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#i'm certainly less destructive than i used to be i'll say that much
malwary · 10 months
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a little while ago @neuro-typical sent me this post by @bye2k of a popup that appeared when trying to right-click images on a shadow the hedgehog fan forum, known as Wishes are Eternal (after the SA2 line). this version of the site appears to be an archived snapshot on the wayback machine, and I'm happy to confirm that it is indeed real. though i couldn't get the popup to work in my own browser, the javascript does exist in the source code of the site, so it's very real and very cool.
i had a lot of things to say about this, but i didn't want to blast the notes of the OG post into oblivion with my big funny wall of text, so I've made my own post. below the readmore I'll explain javascript popups on the internet, some malware that has utilized this, and some very interesting sonic fan community history.
first of all: what is this? how did the webmaster manage to create a popup window in your computer to stop you from downloading images?
well, that would be javascript. because JS is just a normal script language that can do whatever you want, creating a popup is no exception. now, whoever ran the site did not write this script themself, this much is evident by the credit you can see in the source code for the site.
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this script is offered by a site called dynamicdrive.com, specifically for disabling right-clicks. you see how simple this is? javascript makes it possible to bother users in all sorts of creative ways. plenty of malware on the web utilizes javascript, and you're probably already aware of most good examples.
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you're most likely familiar with offiz, better known by the colloquial name "You Are An Idiot". though its status as malware is somewhat debated, most people can agree that the sites it was on abused a javascript function that allowed it to create hundreds upon hundreds of bouncing windows, slowing the user computer to a crawl and forcing the user to restart their machine, meaning any unsaved work they had open was now lost. in that way it was destructive, though indirectly.
offiz is an example of javascript malware that is harmless on its own, but not all JS malware is that friendly. javascript can be used to force your machine to download software, steal user data, serve you all manner of popups, employ many kinds of malicious code through xss, and more. although these cases are rarer than they were, say, a decade ago, that doesn't mean they don't still happen. here is a fascinating little instance of javascript being used maliciously very recently. it's hard to suggest ways to avoid these without just telling you to use common sense, but there's no other way to put it. as is the case with all malware, your best bet when it comes to not getting it is thinking before you click.
browser malware is extremely common. you may have encountered it going to a suspicious website. there is certainly a necessary aspect of social engineering to this type of malware, you have to be paying less attention to where you're going and what you're doing to stumble upon a site so unsecured that it could infect you. users who get themselves into these situations are typically looking for either p_rn or pirated stuff, so they're more likely to act in irrational or desperate ways to get to their content. don't be a fool online and you won't get played for one.
so, why? why does this old, obscure sonic fan forum have javascript that prevents you from right clicking images? prevents you from downloading images?
this forum is very, very old. the last posts on the entire site were about 10 years ago, even to this day. it's no surprise to me that a lot of this site is a relic of its time. the photobucket watermark on the header image, the collecton of midis of shadow themes playable on the site, the use of the term "ripped off" (as opposed to ripped) to describe the action of taking sprites from a game. it's all there on the very first page, the only one in this archive. despite what youtube video slideshows with a single text scroll that says "no copyright intended, pictures found on google" may imply, reposting images was indeed taken seriously at this time. this was a time when it wasn't too uncommon to see a credit to the person who made an anime girl image transparent (a render, for those unaware) in a forum signature. this was a time when someone got caught tracing every 5 days.
that's not to say there were no issues, but people were still very defensive over what they deemed to be theirs. this was especially prevalent in fanart. fan works are hard and are always a labor of love, so it's no surprise nobody wanted their work reposted, especially not without credit. this was especially clear when looking into some parts of the sprite ripping community. making spritesheets was much harder then than it is now, and it was especially impressive if sprites were hand-edited or even made from scratch. this incredibly painstaking work combined with sonic fans reputation for... unwavering passion... could often culminate in a very serious attitude towards doing something as simple as saving an image. in fact, for some people, this mindset has never truly left.
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in 2014, fangame creator Leemena Dan published Sonic Gather Battle on SAGE (the Sonic Amateur Games Expo) to mostly positive reception but ultimately little attention outside of sonic fans online. that is, until 2017, when after a seemingly inconspicuous update, players discovered what appeared to be an audaciously malicious form of DRM present in the game.
this malware had everything. all the bells and whistles. when a player would do any number of things from opening software made to decompile games to simply typing "sonic gather battle cheat" into their internet browser search bar, the payload would activate. (which, of course, means it tracks your keystrokes!)
it's difficult to find good footage of both layers of this DRM (or, rather, both payloads of this malware) that doesn't include a facecam of some gamer dude gawking and screaming at his computer screen. even so, I've found two decent ones. layer 1, and layer 2. this DRM also sends your IP address to a privately owned server, presumably so that the DRM would activate even when the game is uninstalled, and when trying to play it, a splash screen would show telling you to abide by the rules.
unsurprisingly, people did not consider this a proportionate way to respond to the threat of people ripping the sprites from a fangame, and the creator has since been banned from SAGE. to this very day, some people are simply so protective of their work that they'd be willing to go to any length to prevent you from saving it. as obnoxious as that can sometimes seem, it does make for some very interesting history.
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acti-veg · 2 years
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I'm taking an environmental course this semester and one of the required readings ("The Ecological Indian: Myth and History" by Shepard Krech III) brought up some interesting points that I hadn't considered before that I thought should be part of the conversation when non Native American anti-vegans try to justify themselves using indigenous folk as a scapegoat for personal choices.
The book basically discusses and questions the validity of Native Americans being as truly environmentally conscious and as respectful of the earth as we as a society generally believe. It looks into the origins of that stereotype, and suggests that the idea that indigenous folk are more connected to nature stems from racist roots. To summarize, when colonization of North America began there were two stereotypes that arose surrounding indigenous people, the negative violent stereotype, and the more positive environmentally conscious stereotype. However, both still spawned from the idea that Native Americans were 'less advanced' than Europeans. Thus, the idea that indigenous folk are the idealistic examples of how humans and nature should interact is a racist characterature of actual Native Americans, and said Native Americans historically leaned into the stereotype because at the time it was helping pave the way for the environmental movement.
There are, of course, a lot of stewardship techniques and beliefs that are adapted from indigenous lifestyles and traditions that are used in environmental conservation to this day, so obviously non Native Americans can learn a lot about how to care for the earth from these groups, but I think that understanding this history puts a lot into perspective, at least for me. It certainly makes non-indigenous individuals using indigenous people as excuse to continue meat consumption that much grosser in context, considering it is just another way they are using yet another minority to fit their narrative regardless of how much it hurts said minority (in this case resorting to racism to make their point, intentionally or not). This of course, is made that much worse by the fact that Native Americans are amongst the groups that are most negatively impacted by the animal agriculture industry. Like, the absolute nerve of anti-vegans to act like they are preaching for these groups when end of the day they don't actually care enough to understand nuances of what they are arguing for or against.
Some great points raised here, and I'll definitely check out this book. I really think it all stems from this colonial idea that you can really say anything about 'indigenous people' and what they do or believe, as if they were some homogenous group and not a collection of peoples as diverse as any other continent. It's like trying to talk about the entirety of Europe in general terms, what we end up with is this simplistic, over-sanitised noble savage stereotype that just is not at all helpful to the cause of indigenous sovereignty.
Anti-vegans lean into this stereotype for one reason only: It serves their own narrative. Look at what happened when that misogynist cosplaying as an indigenous person put out that video about how 'veganism is colonialism,’ it was eaten up by hundreds of thousands of people without anyone bothering to really examine it. Compare that to the attention indigenous groups get when they oppose deforestation by cattle ranchers, or god forbid, talk positively about veganism in public?
It's just one more string in the anti-vegan bow, they use indigenous people as pawns. Just like quinoa farmers and crop pickers, their concern extends right up until these groups start saying things that don't reinforce their existing beliefs, and sometimes not even then. People didn't even bother to find out what the issue with quinoa was even supposed to be they just made up ‘quinoa child slaves’, and they didn't pay attention to the fact that cattle ranching was and is a key driver of the destruction of indigenous lands.
It's very depressing, but unfortunately we really can't have a constructive conversation about indigenous issues in relation to veganism until people on both sides (because I see vegans do this too) stop reducing indigenous people to an idealistic stereotype. We all need to stop supporting people who very clearly only bring up indigenous issues when it serves their own interests.
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thekingofthieves · 2 years
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Is there anything in particular you like to get up to when you're in your fox form? Also, does being in fox form change how you think or process thoughts, or do you pretty much have the same "brain" and thought process you do when in human/demon form?
Actually, one of my favorite things to do as a spirit fox is cuddling with Hiei- though, that really applies regardless of my appreance, hehe. My various forms have different perks for that, and my fox body has the bonus of being the sole form in which I'm smaller than him. We both usually prefer me being the big spoon- and our usual size difference works well with that- but sometimes it's nice to switch, and being in my fox form for that on the occasion has a nice unique touch... It's extremely comforting to just be completely eveloped in his embrace. ☺️ The only downside is that it can be easier to overheat if he isn't paying attention to moderating his temperature... He's usually good with keeping it lowered though, especially when we're cuddling on warmer days.
I also really love laying on Hiei's lap or chest when we're relaxing- and once I started doing that, it didn't take long for him to discover my favorite spots to be scratched. (Just a little fun fact, it's on and behind my ears, right above my tails, and under my chin. I'm certainly not giving this tip to convince people to give me more pets in my favorite spots, but if any of you ever encounter a silver fox that doesn't seem of this world, then... ;) My underside and tails are off limits for strangers though, sorry!) I often hitch a ride on Hiei's shoulders and curl my tails around his neck as well- which he tends to joke about me being spoiled for not even walking around on my own, haha. I know he loves me snuggling up on him in that fashion though. :3
Aside from that, I've always enjoyed doing more mischievous activities, and that certainly hasn't changed about me, haha. Though, I do it in significantly less destructive ways than I used to. Sometimes I will pull simple pranks on locals- like taking and hiding their things, or shrieking nearby to startle them. The latter is especially fun to do around "haunted" locations people often get dared to go to (usually they're spots that simply have an atmosphere people find unsettling, the actual spirit activity is typically low to none). I've given plenty of people I went to school with quite a fright from doing that. 🤭 And there's also been a couple times I, ah... left a little "present" at the doorstep of some rather unpleasant classmates and coworkers. 😅
I've also given Kuwabara a good scare on a few instances by sneaking up and pouncing on him, haha! Though I accidentally freaked out little Eikichi as well one of those times. I'm glad she forgave me rather quickly- she came up to rub her head on me as soon as she recognized who I was! I actually play with her in my fox form on occasion (that is, once I assured Kuwabara again that I had no interest in eating her 😅). I'm not entirely sure if she understands that all of my forms are one individual, but she seems to be able to tell that my scents are similar enough, as she trusted me in both my Youko and spirit fox forms immediately once she sniffed them for the first time.
As for my mental capabilities in that form, I was originally much like your typical mortal fox. My brain was much more primitive, focused mostly on play when I was young, then survival when my spirit fox family and I went our separate ways. Though, It's hard to recall precisely how my thought process was like back then, it's been so long... My memories of my earliest years are quite hazy- I suppose that's a result of both time and a once-simple mind. I gained more intelligence as my youki grew, however. By the end of my first century when I obtained the ability to shift to my demon form, I'd say I was certainly wiser than many other demons on the lower end of energy classes. Or perhaps that's just my ego talking? 🤭 I'll admit I've had quite a big head for much of my life, haha. I got into thieving for fun early on, and had many successful heists even back when I still only had my fox form, and with much less expertise in controlling plants (albeit they were much less complex or risky thefts than ones I've done much later on, but I was quite proud of myself nonetheless).
But to get back on topic- my mind is always the same whenever I shift forms, as spirit foxes gain more complex thought long before they become proper demons. The only exception has been my shifts induced by the Idunn Box and Fruit of the Previous Life potion, as they were specifically reversions rather than ordinary form changes. My memories of my human life felt like they were locked away far out of my reach, where I could remember only the vaguest details- like my current goals, why I was at the Dark Tournament, and somewhat of who the people were on my team. It was... jarring, to put it very mildly. After the first time, both my body and brain went through such a shock that I struggled keeping touch with reality for a while afterward... I'm so grateful for Hiei being patient and supporting me through that once we had some time alone. He may not have been sure of what to do, but even just his presence and kindess was a major help to getting me grounded again.
Otherwise, the only mental alterations I experience through shifting forms are along the lines of some urges becoming stronger. It's likely due to the familiarity of my original bodies causing my impulses to be more in line with my past tendencies. They're nothing that can't be controlled, of course, but it can sometimes make me act a little bit different if I don't keep myself in check- whether I do so accidentally or purposefully. It is nice to let myself go on the occasion and simply indulge in my fox instincts. I'll even go all out and spend a good portion of a day acting like a little kit again. 🤭 Hiei seems to find those times quite amusing, haha. Actually, there's been a few times where I've gotten so lost in enjoying pets from him that I started happily biting on him without realizing it. 😅 Though, it's not like biting him is unusual in any of my forms, but I'm typically more conscious of when I initiate it... Most of the time. I suppose pleasure in multiple forms can make me bite Hiei without thinking, hehe!
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dom--minnie · 3 years
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Three’s a Party
Summary: There aren’t supposed to be secrets in relationships. Unfortunately, Felix currently has three. One is let out with no problem. The second creates complications no one could have foreseen. The third, unknown to him, he isn’t the only one that holds the same secret.
Word count: 9.3k
Genre: fluff, smut, angst
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Content: non-idol au, established reader and felix, gender-neutral afab reader, felix is nervous, chan is a bit of a dummy, felix wears skirts, threesome, switch! reader, switch! felix, dom! chan, mutual pining, slight lack of communication, threesome arrangement with kink and safeword discussions included, daddy kink, piv, protected sex, unprotected sex, MxM intimacy, (slight) size kink, (slight) strength kink, hand kink, finger sucking, praise kink, pet names, creampie, slight voyeurism and exhibitionism, accidental confessions, polyamory negotiations
Taglist: @solistired @hyunsluvv​
a/n: I only technically lied about the release date. Yes, I said Saturday but I also said the 18th which is today for me still, so it’s fine! I hope I made the wait worth it for anyone interested and for everyone else, voila
Relationships aren't meant to have secrets. Felix technically has several but he keeps them under wraps. The most damning one... one that he would never reveal except under the direst of circumstances. The other ones are far less destructive but are arguably more embarrassing. 
You live in blissful ignorance of all of these, at least for now. Until Felix decides he should tell you something, considering how often he thinks about them. So one day you walk into your shared bedroom with Felix he's wearing a short, blue skirt. Your face is neither positive nor negative and Felix spins, skirt flaring, staring downwards still. 
"And what's the occasion here, darling?" You question. 
Felix makes a confused noise in his throat and looks up to you just a little more. 
"Why have I received such a beautiful gift today? You look amazing, Fe."
Felix leans forward to kiss your nose and giggles when your hands roam under the skirt and squeeze his cheeks. 
"I've wanted to wear a skirt in the bedroom for a while, but wasn't really sure how you'd react." 
"Awwww baby, never be worried about anything like this. I might be confused but I love you so I'll never react badly."
Your comforting words are genuine and Felix wonders how far they truly reach. Would you say the same if he wanted to have a threesome with one of his closest friends? Or said he had a crush on, was practically halfway in love with, said friend? It's not what tonight is about and the thoughts fade when your lips connect.
You're so, so gentle with him and Felix sinks into you. Felix's wandering hands spur your own and suddenly it's like you're horny teenagers again that can't get enough of each other. Your hand slips back under the skirt and the easy access is fun, especially if he plans to wear nothing under it like he is now. Easy access to start jerking him off, and you happily do so, keeping your mouth pressed against his. 
Even with the anxiety Felix must have been imagining a number of situations with how hard he is in your hand. A sigh leaves his mouth as he rests his head on your shoulder. With one bite in your neck and only one sentence all of the power in the situation flows back to him. 
"I want you to sit on my face and then ride me, doll."
Any stress you may have had is gone after that.
Similar situations happen several more times over the next few months. Felix either has a skirt on and is obviously wearing nothing under it. Or he changes into a skirt with nothing under it when it’s clear you’re going farther tonight. Each time you’re caught a little off guard by how truly pretty he is. Lee Felix is sunshine, rainbows, and starlight of course but it’s like the skirt gives him a little extra confidence to shine brighter for you. 
So one hurdle down, only two more to go, great. Felix has never been so glad to have incognito mode with the number of phrases he googles related to 'how to bring up wanting a threesome with your significant other.' 
It's honestly not that useful, as the so-called advice was generic things he could've gotten from anyone. 'Trust them and they'll trust you' or 'do it with someone you both trust' like thanks he knows all of this already. 
Your next take-out dinner and movie night brings some strange behaviour from Felix. He's quiet where normally he'd be commenting on these extraordinarily stupid characters. When one of them completely ignores the obvious thing and Felix doesn't react in the slightest you know he's not paying attention at all. 
He certainly pays attention when you stop the movie and straddle his lap. Your hands cup his face and your forehead rests on his while your eyes meet. 
"What's on your mind, Pixie? Don't try to avoid it either, I know." 
Your gentle compassion almost makes Felix want to spill everything. It all bubbles up to the tip of his tongue but then he thinks of the possible disgust or heartbreak and pushes most of it back down. 
"You know how you said I don't have to be uncomfortable bringing up anything about... bedroom life?" 
You giggle at the euphemism and how adorably shy Felix gets about it when not in the act. Regardless, a hum of assent vibrates your throat. 
"I've been thinking about having a threesome." He blurts then squeezes his eyes shut, not allowing your reaction to reach his eyes. 
The small boop your finger leaves on his nose leads him to open his eyes. Nothing about your expression is negative and you look at him as fondly as ever.
"Do you-"
"Chan." 
A bright, fond laugh bubbles over your lips. 
"Sorry love, you just answered so quickly. Sure, we both trust him. We can talk to him about it and... arrange a day." 
Arrange sounds more formal than you intend but that's what it is. With the weight off of his mind, Felix is able to make fun of the new characters not seeing the plot right in front of them.
Chan knows this is a bad idea, he even cares that it's a bad idea, and yet he agrees. Backing out at any time is always an option, neither of you will be mad. It doesn't matter because he won't. Even if it hurts he will take the one chance he may ever get to screw around with both of his crushes. 
There was no pretense of a normal hangout. You texted Chan that you wanted to talk about something. When you all sit down Felix ends up doing the talking about it since it was his idea in the first place. You both want to have a threesome with him. 
It takes all of Chan's willpower not to coo at the blush that spreads across Felix’s face and ears. Also, a significant amount of brainpower to agree with the right amount of excitement. Not too little that you think he's unsure or doesn't want it wholeheartedly. But not too much that you are suspicious about any underlying feelings or motives he could have. 
Really, you're just thinking about your boyfriend and how cute he is. Not anything against Chan but you love Felix with every cell in your body and it pours out of you often. He can see it from a mile away and doesn’t mind because he’d love to be doing the same thing. Looking at Felix with all the fondness in the world that lets each side know that everything’s going to be ok. But alas, a threesome will have to do for now. Or forever, honestly. 
Then the fun part of it comes: interests. What does Chan have that he likes to do, and would like to do with you. Vice versa, what are you comfortable with and want to do with a sudden, if trusted, third-person present. 
"I'm wearing a skirt," Felix says. 
You smile at how easily he's able to say it, a stark contrast to before. You know that it will give the same confidence on the day of all of this as well. Surprise flits over Chan’s face but he just nods and doesn’t say anything more. 
"I want to dominate both of you." Chan brings it up first, any type of power play and dynamics. 
You and Felix look at each other then back at him and both nod excitedly. Chan already has strong leadership qualities, especially around all of the boys so really this makes sense. It will be very attractive for him to be giving you full orders and expecting them to be followed. Even thinking about it makes your brain work overtime and you have to physically shake yourself out of it.
"Felix and I… we'll just see how it works out. But we’ll both listen to you, for sure. Sound good?" 
You have to check with Chan if he's going to be in charge of both of you. A quick look between both of you and then he nods. 
A moment goes by and you look at Felix with a smirk on your face. He frantically shakes his head before you turn back to a visibly confused Chan. 
"Felix over here has a strength kink. Wants someone to manhandle him a bit." You drawl and Felix doesn't even mock tackle you. 
"Yeah, well you have a size kink! Wanting someone to look down at you and hands fitting around your limbs."
Felix sticks his tongue out at you as you feel your cheeks heat up to the temperature of the sun. Perhaps Chan fits you better than first anticipated. Strength and size in one, not to mention some other interests he slots right into. 
"Any kinks you both have and aren't about to expose to me?"
You and Felix easily speak in unison.
"Praise and hands."
The moment you say that Chan reaches his hands out and lays them vertically so you can see the incredibly veiny backs. Imagining those fingers in any of your wet holes has you readjusting your legs and you can hear Felix do the same next to you.
Felix clears his throat in an obvious attempt to quickly move along from that. 
"Anything you have in mind, Channie?"
The nickname is affectionate and if you didn't know better you'd think the tips of Chan's ears are flushed under his curls. 
"Praise for me is good, no matter who’s giving or receiving it. I like nicknames or pet names, titles as well."
When it becomes clear Chan isn't elaborating you both lean forward in a clear gesture for him to continue. 
"Ok. Baby, bunny, angel, beautiful. For myself? I dunno, choose some. Particular titles especially." 
You all have flushed cheeks as this is becoming a reality, hearing Chan say these things out loud. Hopefully, you'll both be saying some of them as well. One title sticks in your mind and you’ll just have to test whether he’s into that or not. 
"Safewords." You state and both men nod. "We use the colour system generally. Green, yellow, red.”
"Sure," Chan easily agrees. It only slightly surprises you that he knows, and has probably used that exact safeword system before. 
You lean forward to rest your cheek on your palm. 
"I mean... I think that's everything? We can have a phone call or hangout if there's anything else."
Okay but... when? When are we gonna do this?" Felix points out.
It had gotten lost in actually arranging but the goal of this was actually enacting it all so that fact was a bit important. 
"Like 2 weeks from now?" Chan says. 
You consider it, a fair amount of time to go but not too far either. Enough time to mentally prepare but not to freak out fully and leave the country. You look at Chan then Felix who voices his agreement. 
"Alright then, Saturday in 2 weeks. Come over for dinner, Chan. We can ease into it that way."
You stand and Felix follows. Heading to the door you both give Chan a hug, Felix longer and tighter than yours as usual. 
You step out and turn around to face Chan again. 
"See you later, daddy." You wink.
Felix purposefully makes his voice lower and repeats the playful words. It's obvious he tries to hide it but Chan shivers at Felix's voice. You only knew to look because he has the same effect on you.
The two weeks pass entirely as normal. A couple hangouts with various groups of the guys and knowledge of the future threesome doesn't invade your mind. The day before you thought Felix would be visibly stressed already but he seems entirely fine. 
He seems fine to you, but Felix is good at hiding his emotions if need be. And he is freaking the fuck out. There came some point where it really settled in that this was a plan, it was happening, and it was going to be tomorrow. From that point on it had hardly left his head. Hiding his feelings while fucking around with the man? Is that even possible for a Lee Felix? It doesn’t really matter because it’s already happening, so really something is going to happen and he is determined not to ruin it. 
To calm himself down there’s a number of things he can do, yet he chooses the one that wouldn’t make sense to most people. Calling his best friend, the slight hyperactive squirrel man, Han Jisung. Jisung is adept at the two things that can bring Felix out of almost any type of nervous state, whether with genuine comfort, or with chaotic distraction. 
Yet when he calls, Jisung seems to know something is different. 
“Soooooo, what is up my dude? How have you been?” Jisung sings.
“Ah, just a bit nervous for no reason and I know you’re not doing anything.”
Jisung is silent for a couple moments longer than the normal, puzzling. 
“You sure it’s nothing? You’ve been…. extra. The past week, especially.”
Felix goes over the last times they’ve hung out together, especially as a group of 9. There’s nothing out of the ordinary that he thinks Jisung may count as ‘extra’, whatever that even means. 
“Extra what, Ji? What are you even talking about?” Felix laughs, assuming Jisung will too and they can just move on. 
“You’ve been staring at Chan like way more than usual, dude. I thought it was ridiculous before, but now… he’s either denser than a brick or ignores it.”
Felix’s mouth drops open and he’s silent for nearly half a minute. Other people have noticed how often he stares at Chan? Jisung noticed how much he stares at Chan? This is an entire disaster. And if Chan ignores his stares, then what does that mean. Actually, no, if he goes too far down that route then he’s going to chicken out of all of your plans and he wouldn’t dare ruin it. 
“Are you the only one who noticed?” Felix asks hesitantly, mouthing please in hopes that if someone else has noticed as well, that it’ll just go away.
“No… Jeongin and Seungmin are wayyyyy too observant for that, the little demons. Minho, too. I haven’t heard from the others but if I’ve noticed then…” Jisung trails off. He’s not the least observant in the group. That title goes to Felix and Chan themselves. But he and everyone else would put him low on the list, so if he knows then almost everyone else probably does too. Well, shit.
“I’ll only tell you if you promise with your whole heart not to tell anyone else.” 
Felix’s heart is pounding and it thrums loudly in his ears. Is he really about to tell someone else about this? Jisung, no less. 
“I’m concerned but yeah, of course. Unless it’s a crime.”
Felix forces out a laugh, and he knows Jisung can tell but neither of them comment on it.
“So… maybe I have a bit of crush on Chan. It’s fine, it’ll go away eventually and I can just move on, but for now. I have crush feelings.”
Jisung is silent and Felix has to check if he hung up at some point.
“So you stare at your ‘just crush’ like he put the moon up himself? Not believing that or a second. But I understand now, so whatever. You gonna tell them or…?” 
Felix lets out a real laugh this time, then scoffs like Jisung’s proposed robbing a bank tomorrow. 
“And have them break up with me? No thanks, I’ll just live with it.”
This time its Jisung scoffing so hard his throat will be sore.
“You’re an idiot. If they love you, and we both know they do, then it’ll be fine. Be honest about your feelings, it’ll only make you stronger.”
Felix considers it, turning the idea over in his mind. Inevitably, his mind turns to your possible reactions. His dreams come first, the ones where you somehow like Chan as well and Chan likes you both. Or the ones where you’re ok with it. Or any of the ones where Chan even likes him back. But of course, the more likely reality. Where you’re uncomfortable or disgusted. Or want to… nope. 
“I’ll think about it. Thanks Ji.”
“Sure man, anytime. Popcorns going so I’m gonna dip. Good luck.”
Felix is left in the silence of the bedroom to ponder. They both know he won’t do it but the wonderful fantasies make it seem possible. Some wonderful fantasies can come true, somehow.
The stress explodes in the morning. Felix is out of bed when you wake up and when you exit the apartment is practically sparkling. From top to bottom, you’d believe this house had never been lived in if your pictures and souvenirs weren’t everywhere. There's also a wonderful cookie smell coming from the kitchen, and it draws you in. Whenever Felix bakes it floods through your apartment and makes it seem like a home. Cheesy, yes, but it’s really what he does to you. 
Felix's back is to you when you come in the kitchen and you wrap your arms around his stomach. He lets out a small squeak of surprise before giggling, face lighting up at you being awake finally. 
"You do know Chan's been here before right? You didn't have to do this."
Felix sighs and turns to face you, leaving a kiss on your forehead. 
"I know I didn't have to. I'm just nervous and all this kept my mind off of it for a bit."
You coo at your adorable boyfriend and peck his pink, pouting lips. 
"No matter what happens he's just Chan. You're still you, I'm still me. It'll be ok, Fe." 
The sigh Felix lets out has a different meaning to you both. You assume it's clearing his mind and re-centreing himself. Really it’s thoughts of how, at the end of the day Chan is never just Chan for him, but this is reality and not his ideal world. He doesn’t get to have two attractive partners to come home to every day. The timer goes off behind him and the reminder makes the smell of cookies flood your nose and mind again. 
"Join me on the couch when you're done, baby. I'm gonna work on some stuff for a bit." 
The reminder of cookies existing every timer goes off is delightful, and really the only reason timers should exist ever. Most of the way through the batter, Felix dances into the living room and feeds you one, delightful as always. He’s beautiful like this. The lingering stress showing on his face from the morning is entirely gone. The blinds are finally open for a reason and sunlight reflects off your sunshine.
The day passes easily once it begins and Felix is done practically vibrating out of his skin. In the early afternoon, he even falls asleep with his head in your lap for a while. Looking at him is like looking at a sleeping kitten, curled up and peaceful. 
It gets later, a bit darker and you pull up the recipe on your laptop. The kitchen barely fits 2 people but you and Felix work well enough together that there are few problems. It’s nice to just… coexist with someone else so peacefully and naturally. The door rings and you and Felix glance at each other, for just a bit too long before he patters away. 
They both pop their heads around the corner and Chan joins you both, squishing the kitchen space even more. He gives you both soft kisses on your foreheads, smiling and greeting you quietly. As soon as he does you and Felix look at each other and nod, kissing his cheeks at the same time. His cheeks flare bright red and his eyes widen but he quickly recovers. Expression settling and laughing, even if his ears and cheeks don’t stop burning for quite a while. Then you notice the box, probably a dessert that you won't be getting to tonight. Or… you will get to dessert technically, it just won’t be any of the typical sugar. 
It proceeds normally, you may even forget what your plans are for a minute. But as plates start getting emptier Felix is the first to tense up. Chan follows soon after but you manage to stay the calmest, at least on the outside. 
Chan puts his hand on your knee first and you stand. Suddenly, Felix's grasp comes from your other side and tugs you towards him. He looks so… innocent that you just can't help but tangle your fingers together. At the same time, he tilts his head up towards you, waiting for a kiss. Your hands tangle in his hair and press your lips against his. 
You both turn to Chan after and he's sitting up, completely straight and still. You round the table and he puts his hand on your hip. It doesn't escape your notice about how much of you it covers and you resist looking down to see it. 
"Can we kiss you?" You ask, breath fanning across his lips. 
He should say no. Say no, say no, saynosaynosay- 
"Yes." He says with false ease. 
You lean in and he lets you lead it, simply resting his hands on you. Felix comes up behind you and rests his head on your shoulder, watching. 
Chan briefly bites your bottom lip but you pull away before too much happens in the kitchen. Before you can move Felix switches places with you and throws his weight against Chan. It's like he was prepared and his hands go around Felix's back. You take a good long look at them before playing with Felix's hair and taking your own turn to watch them. 
"We should go to your bedroom." Chan pants out, eyes blown wide when he opens them. 
"You heard him, baby boy. Follow him." 
You giggle when Felix whines at the pet name. 
"You're our baby boy tonight, aren't you?" You tease. 
Chan feels something flare inside of him when you use such possessive words, especially "our" anything. In any other situation, he knows it would be "your" and it kills him. He wants so much more, but he cannot either of you entirely in the way he wants so much. It's not a controlling type, simply a statement. Felix is yours as you are his, and neither of you are Chan's. 
The moment you reach the room the door is closed and you are pinned onto it. You watch Felix disappear to change but Chan makes sure your attention is back to him quickly. He kisses you again, but harder this time. 
Felix feels like this is a dream. Maybe he's finally achieved lucid dreaming. Because he's standing in the bathroom changing his skirt and about to have a threesome with his significant other and best friend/crush. That can't be real. So he's ready to wake up and tell you about the totally wild dream he had. But not the feelings, because those are still very real. 
He never wakes up. Instead, he pulls the skirt on and walks out to see you pinned against the door and Chan nipping at your neck. 
When Felix appears your attention is immediately split between them. It goes back to Chan pretty quickly when he starts whispering in your ear. 
"I certainly know what I want to do. First, I'll watch the 2 pretty kittens in front of me for a while. A pretty picture being painted right in front of me. I'll keep the rest to myself for now. Go kiss your pretty boyfriend and give me a show, alright sweetheart?" 
He backs away slowly and you go to Felix, whispering in his ear as well. 
"He's going to watch and wants a good show from us first. So let's give him one, huh?" 
Felix throws his arms over your shoulders and nods. Before you can tug him in he looks at Chan who nods as well before pulling out your desk chair. 
Your kiss with Felix is already heated and messy, the extra thoughts of an audience and pleasing that audience in mind. It moves faster than you normally would when in the bedroom. Though the tension of the whole day, and especially of the dinner may be enough to make up for that. 
Your hands roam furiously around each other and each time your lips break apart you each let out a gasp before diving back in. Felix starts walking you towards the bed with slow steps and flips it around so you fall onto his lap. Before he can do anything you fall to the ground on your knees. 
When you flip up his skirt and see nothing underneath you can hear Chan groan from his spot. Immediately you sink your mouth down, gagging just slightly as he hits the back of your mouth. Taking a second to breathe, you look up at Felix who already has his eyes closed. When you stop his eyes flutter back open and his hands go to your hair, resting there with no intention of pulling. You bob your head slowly, not taking him all the way in every time. A couple times you try to glance at Chan in the corner but he’s moved farther than what you can see. So, your attention is focused on Felix who’s very entertaining and responsive on his own. 
It starts as low moans that tell you he’s feeling good but you’re already looking for the high whines that you know he gives out. You hollow your cheeks and swirl your tongue in that way you know he likes, and the low groans turn into higher moans. They’re quieter than normal and you can tell he’s holding back, which is understandable, but you want him to let go. 
Your head gradually bobs faster and faster, with Felix’s moans getting higher and more frequent. With one particularly deep dip, he hits your throat and a loud whine breaks free. You do it again and again, letting Felix lose control. His hands twist in your hair, still not enough to cause any pain to you, but his hips stay still to let you set the pace. You know Felix is close and you both want it and are both ready to receive it, even so early in the night.
“No, no, little one. He’s not cumming yet.” Chan suddenly speaks, tone firm. 
Felix whines and you make a disappointed noise and slow down, not giving him enough of anything anymore. 
Felix pushes you off of him with a shuddering breath and a poorly concealed whine. After a moment of confusion, you switch places with him. He’s on his knees and starts peeling off your pants, with the noises of Chan shifting in the background. With every inch of skin that is revealed under your pants, he makes sure to kiss it, all the way down to your ankles. He pulls down your underwear after, with less reverence and more impatience this time. 
Before he can dive in, as he so clearly wishes to, Chan clears his throat across the room. 
“Felix.” Said man perks up and turns towards Chan, eager to please. “Turn them towards me and let me have a look, won’t you baby?” 
You obediently don’t move and let Felix turn your body, spreading your legs as well. Even without looking down, you know that you’re soaked already. Chan’s groan confirms it and you shift impatiently. Felix waits though, until Chan nods, before turning you back and getting his mouth on you. 
All things considered, he’s gentle but the build-up and tension makes each bit of pleasure like a shot of electricity through your body. He licks eagerly, tasting you and making you twitch. Your hands go his hair less nicely than his did before. You tug at the strands, which only makes him moan into you which makes your hips buck into his mouth. Each small sound from Chan makes you want to see and feel him but you wait, indulging in Felix as is. 
Felix knows exactly how you want it and with every minute that passes your whines get louder and with each flick of his tongue your brain gets fuzzier. Chan is taking a relatively hands-off approach for now but even with his seemingly infinite patience, he must want more. It’s hard to focus on that when Felix is eagerly slurping at your wetness and making you want to ride his face. You test the waters by rolling your hips once, twice, three times. When neither man stops you, you roll them incessantly. 
With no prior experience, Chan somehow seems to know exactly when to stop you from getting too close.
“Felix, stop.”
Felix eagerly obeys, and you whine loudly in disappointment. One look from Chan cuts you off and you resolve to not protest again when he finally walks over. He stands above both of you but looks down with fondness and not scorn. 
“How should we do this, pretty pets?” 
You don’t even look at Felix before boldly speaking to him, knowing it was mostly a rhetorical question.
“Fuck me! Please?” Your sudden boldness is tempered by the way that Chan looks at you and you dip your head down.
Felix visibly brightens once his fuzzy brain puzzles out that he’ll probably get to be back in your mouth. He’s the first one onto the bed and you follow, Chan coming up behind you. Your kiss with Felix is interrupted by Chan tugging your shirt over your head and shoulders. He pulls it off and you turn around to pull his own clothes off, bringing Felix over as well. 
Chan laughs when you both eagerly tug at his own clothes, trying to pull everything off at once.
“Slow down little ones. You’ll get it all soon.” 
You and Felix stop and stare when his shirt comes off and you are suddenly very aware of him. It isn’t that Chan hides how muscular he is, just that you didn’t pay too much attention to it before. Now, you’re certainly paying a lot of attention. It’s broken when Chan goes to Felix’s shirt and you’re as excited as usual to reveal what’s underneath. 
Just the sight of them alone nearly has you drooling and your hands run over their bodies at the same time, hardly believing they’re both in front of you. There’s hardly a chance to admire them as they both want to see you as well and pull your shirt up, one hand on either side. 
Chan’s hands get on you and dip lower, lower and all the way down to between your thighs. You shiver and watch his face, waiting for his next move. Felix’s hands go up, to your nipples. His warm hands on you makes you shiver but still, you watch Chan who just is not moving. It makes you want to whine and beg but you know, almost for sure, that he’d disapprove. So you wait. The light touches on your nipples makes you whimper and moan occasionally and Chan watches you. 
With a slowness that makes you want to scream, he pushes one finger inside. Even the barest feeling of being full makes you shudder and sigh in relief. After a few thrusts of his fingers where he meets no resistance, he pushes a second one in. You make a high noise in your throat and lean back against Felix’s chest, who takes the easy opportunity to kiss along your neck and shoulder. 
The sensitivity of being so close from Felix’s mouth is still there and it has you moaning louder than you normally would. One of your hands reaches out and grabs Chan’s hand that is laying on his thigh. He doesn’t stop you so you bring it to your mouth and suck on two of his fingers. Felix lifts his head and groans at the sight, Chan’s pretty hands in your beautiful mouth. 
Both men seem to thoroughly enjoy just playing with and teasing you, and it feels so good that you honestly don’t want them to stop. But you’re also craving so much more. With reluctance, you pull Chan’s fingers out of your mouth and whine at him.
“Daddy, please!” 
He raises an eyebrow at your insistent tone and pushes another finger into you. It makes your head fall back onto Felix’s shoulder but also increases the need of being filled by Chan right now. 
“No~ need you to fill me up, please.”
He slams his fingers into you, hard and deep and it makes you gasp. 
“Do these fingers not fill you enough? They just aren’t good enough for you.”
Felix behind you huffs then laughs, clearly caught between finding Chan’s teasing amusing or exasperating on your behalf. 
“Don’t make me say it! You know what I want.”
Felix finally starts sucking marks on your shoulder and it makes you sigh happily, a good distraction for just a moment before Chan speaks again. 
“I wanna hear you say it, sweetheart. I want to hear you beg.”
Chan’s tone makes even Felix gasp, his mouth disconnecting from you and a sudden, hot breath caressing your sensitive skin. You shiver from the many sensations on your body and the sudden addition of his clear order. 
“Want… want your dick, please. Daddy, fuck me!” 
After you’re done speaking Chan puts his fingers back in your mouth, letting you suck on them contentedly. If you’re going to get what you want you have to leave what you have and Chan pulls all of his fingers out of you at once. You know better than to whine so you hold it back, but your eyes screw shut in displeasure. 
“All fours, doll. Come on now.” Chan coaxes, and Felix also sighs when he has to disconnect from you. Chan takes that time to get a condom, and when he turns he just admires you and Felix on the bed. A perfect picture, but one that he’s also involved in tonight. 
You get on your hands and knees then just wait for them to touch you again. Felix knows he’s still a bit sensitive and waits for Chan to start. Chan with infinite patience that is now absolutely killing you. His hands are feeling you up, down your ass and thighs and back up again. When he notices how obviously impatient you both are he finally lines himself up with your entrance and pushes in. 
It makes you sigh. The opening of your mouth prompts you to look up at Felix who smiles down at you. You push your neck out, wanting him in your mouth and he pets your head. His fingers lift your chin and make you look up at him again.
“Be good for us, baby. Make us feel good.”
You eagerly nod and he finally moves closer. Once the tip of his dick is in your mouth, you start swirling your tongue around it. The moment he thrusts in you open your mouth wider and let him use it. It doesn’t take Chan and Felix long, as close and in sync as they are, to set a rhythm where when one of them pushes in the other pulls out. Chan’s thrusts push you towards Felix so much that his cock is nearly always in your mouth fully. 
At some point, you can feel the drool starting to drip down your chin and Felix coos while he wipes it away. 
“So messy, baby! Drooling all down my cock.” 
All you can do is hum in agreement and hope he hears it. Being absolutely ruined with him in your mouth is always a fun experience and having Chan behind you improves it quite a lot. Speaking of Chan. His hand has come around and two of his fingers are feverishly rubbing your clit. It makes the long-awaited pressure build-up and he groans when you clench around him. 
“Such pretty pets in front of me. Wet holes dripping down our dicks and making everybody messy. You just can’t hold it in, can you little one? That’s ok, we know you’re enjoying it.”
Chan’s voice is raspy when he speaks and it bolsters your confidence to know how good he’s feeling, too. It’s not as if you can say or do much about it. Especially not when you can feel an orgasm building and he thrusts so hard to make you dizzy. 
Felix broke back into high whines a minute or two ago. When he speaks, it’s strained and he can barely get more than a few words out at a time if he can think them at all.
“Gonna cum. I want you to- to swallow it. Holy fucking shit, your mouth is so good, honey.”
You open your eyes, when did they even close, to look up at Felix. Attempting to get across how good he feels and how badly you want it. His chest rises and falls with quick, harsh breaths. Chan is so good behind you, rubbing your clit in small circles and long length filling you up better than you dared to hope. Your own peak is building but can barely focus on that for now, no matter how badly you want to. 
Felix hits your throat once then twice more and with a small cry and jerk of his hips he cums. His whole body quivers and trembles as his seed shoots down your throat. You cough on it for a moment but swallow it down. The convulsion of your mouth projects a high-pitched whine from his own. 
The moment Felix leans back, and your mouth is still left open, Chan drives into you roughly. A noise of surprise that you barely recognize comes from you before you start moaning, feeling your own high so presently. With Felix no longer in front of you, Chan holds your hips and pulls you back, slapping against your skin even louder every time he thrusts in. The continued stimulation on your clit is almost overwhelming in its intensity. 
Felix can see the grunts and groans leaving Chan’s mouth but can’t hear them due to your own keening moans. To everyone’s surprise, Chan cums before you do but doesn’t dare stop or slow down his pace, even when it overstimulates him. The movements of his hips are less fluid but it doesn’t make you feel any less pleasure. With each thrust, he had learned to hit nearly any spot you needed him to. 
He’s left panting but is rewarded when you let out a gasp and something that sounded like ‘gonna cum’. Your whole body shivers when it washes over you and even still Chan thrusts which makes shake that much more intense. Eventually, he stops when it becomes far less pleasurable for himself, he has a limit, but still rubs circles on your clit. A distraction shows in the way of Felix who climbs onto his lap. The relief and pleasure are still coursing through you and you flop to your side, curling your legs up and inwards. You watch them kiss through blurry eyes and how Felix submits to him so readily. 
“Lixie~ one more? Inside?” You pout. 
Chan coos and runs a thumb over your puffed-out bottom lip. It’s always a bit of extra fun when you let Felix cum inside. It’s a bit messy which neither of you really wants to deal with afterwards. Tonight’s special so why not add an extra little bit of a reward for him? 
Felix turns to you and gasps. When you don’t laugh it off, he moves in front of you.
“Can you ride me? If you’re not too tired, I mean, of course.” 
The way he nearly spits out the words, like they just can’t come out fast enough is adorable. You prop yourself up on your hands and look at Chan over his shoulder, with wide eyes just barely seen by him.
“Go ahead, pets. I’ll join the show again in a bit.” 
You giggle and nearly tackle Felix down by his shoulders. His hands go to your hips out of instinct but you sit on one of his thighs first. Sitting on his thigh, you nearly want to grind and ride on it, looking at Chan’s thighs makes you fully pout again. Those are some good thick ones that you’d love to sit on. Felix chuckles when sees what you’re staring at but tugs you forward by the hips to try and get you moving. 
You make a noise of recognition and easily sit down fully on his dick. The familiar fullness makes you let out a small mewl. 
“Does he feel good, kitty?” 
“Mmh, yes. Really good, daddy.” Your voice is breathy, different from the fully voiced moans from when Chan was railing you before. 
“Ride him then, doll.” 
The order that you were actually waiting for comes and you bounce, slowly. Chan is intending to let you go at your own pace but when a fair amount of time passes, with a fair few whiny moans from Felix, he tsks. 
“You can do better than that. Faster, harder. Make him feel good.”
You place both palms flat on Felix's chest and spread your fingers wide. Your thighs flex as you ride him and the slide makes you gasp. After you’ve set a steady pace for yourself you take your hand to your clit, starting a bit slowly but going quicker as the stimulation doesn’t quite satisfy you as you need it to. Felix watches you, enraptured. You try to look back whenever your eyes are open but it’s overwhelming and they swiftly screw shut again. 
Felix is back to his low groans that you can nearly feel and it’s nearly unbearably unattractive. Chan thinks the same if the small noises he, unintentionally, lets out are any indication. He tries to mumble praises to you but more often it’s Chan who takes the lead. 
“Such pretty little babies, putting on a good show. Only for daddy to see.” “You both look so cute and small. I’d be able to ruin you both so easily.” 
His words and encouragement make you clench and Felix jerks his hips up into you more than once as well. It’s good and you want to keep going but soon your thighs are a bit sore and tired and you begin to slow down again, whining in disappointment. 
“Looks like kitty can’t quite keep up anymore. Why don’t you do it instead, Lix?” 
The familiar nickname used in such a different context makes Felix suck in a sharp breath and his eyes widen. He’d really like to get used to that but as it is he holds your hips and starts pumping. Felix just manages to hit different spots inside of you when he does it himself and he has you moaning loudly within a minute. 
When you look back over at Chan he’s jerking himself off in time with Felix’s movements. He’s not sitting close enough for either of you to reach but his eyes flick all over both of you, taking it all in. Looking down at Felix, his eyes are completely closed but his mouth is open to let you hear his low moans. They get a bit louder and you can tell he’s getting close so you turn on the begging.
“Lixie, baby. Cum inside me, please. Want you to make it all messy and I wanna see it drip out.”
Felix grunts and starts cursing under his breath. In less than two minutes he spills inside you and the warm spurts of cum fill you up more. Your breath is heavy as you get closer again yourself. Chan finally joins you again, fingers replacing yours. Felix still jerks his hips into you as much as he can, but he’s too sensitive for too much of it. Still, Chan’s hand just works and you roll your hips into his hand to feel more. He barely has to do anything honestly. Still jerking himself off with the other hand you can tell he’s holding back by how tight his voice is.
“Use Lix and my hand to get yourself off, kitten. I’ll do it with you, too.”
Your mouth falls open and a long, loud moan comes out. Your second orgasm feels like an overflow of the senses, so much so that you barely even notice Chan spilling over yours and Felix’s legs. You come down with a shiver and your legs and fingers are left with the most shakiness. 
“Up, sweetheart. We wanna see it drip.” 
Felix’s voice is low and rough but not stern. You nod and slip off of him, laying down and letting them both see. It’s nothing you can see yourself but from both of their low noises, it’s very appreciated.
You’re all left panting, sweaty, and shaky. You stay on your back and throw your legs on top of Felix’s. Chan stands and shuffles off to find towels for you all first. It makes you recognize that you need water and you grumble and sigh before standing. Felix hears you and jumps up to get you on his back. Just as you get onto Felix’s back, Chan returns.
“Why don’t we dry ourselves off first, okay cuties?” 
You both sit back on the bed and look up at Chan with wide eyes. He continues to take care of you both as best he can and it makes you even sleepier, eyes drooping occasionally. Felix keeps you awake with small jabs and pokes. Everything you all need is done and Chan has agreed to stay for the night. All the buses have stopped, Ubers seem sketchy, and any other arguments he may have are shot down. As well as the argument for him just sleeping on the couch. Felix wiggles himself in the middle and shoots a firm ‘cuddle me’ at Chan before snuggling happily down and going to sleep.
You and Chan share small glances of bewilderment before settling in as well. It’s hesitant but you can feel how Chan eventually moves in, centimetres at a time, to do something that could be considered as cuddling Felix, if you really want to stretch it. The bed is full but instead of feeling crowded you feel comforted, knowing two of your favourite people are the ones there with you.
Chan wakes first but doesn't move in a way that would indicate he's in anything but deep sleep. Once he's sure neither of you are awake he sits up and gazes at both peaceful, sleeping faces in front of him. You're both beautiful in the throes of passion but there is something about the peaceful light of day that pangs his heart differently. 
Surreptitiously, under the blankets you and Felix hold hands but lay with eyes closed as you feel Chan looking, observing. He takes a heavy breath in that makes you want to sit up and ask, comfort him, but something about the stillness in the air stops you. 
"Fuck," he curses lowly, but in a different way than the last night. "You're both so beautiful, I wish every morning could be like this." 
You stay quiet, even if thoughts race through your mind, but sensitive Felix gasps, no matter how hard he tries to muffle it. Chan leans back against the wall to create as much distance as possible. 
Felix sits up slowly and you follow a moment after. Chan lets out some nervous, forced chuckles. The confidence of yesterday has melted away, leaving the usual, shyer Chan sitting here instead. 
"Channie?" He shudders. "What did you mean by that?" 
He stutters and fumbles, trying not to lie but also keep feelings intact. Eventually, he just stops and freezes everything for a moment. Then before you can even think, he tries to leap off the large bed towards the door. Felix is fast and grabs one wrist while you rush to stand and grab the other to push him back down.
There is no fight, only an acceptance to sit back down. 
"Channie, please." Felix chokes out the words and when you look at him he's on the verge of tears. 
Why is unknown, but it's clear this is going to be a difficult conversation. 
Chan sighs and runs a hand through his hair, flipping his head to look at both of you. 
"I never thought this was going to happen, any of this. Last night, everything this morning. But whatever happens, don't let my words affect your relationship."
He looks at both of you separately to receive an agreement. 
"I really like you both, romantically. Maybe even love but I've tried to avoid the thoughts. For obvious reasons."
In the silence of anticipation, Felix's tears had dried on his eyes but now they sit, teetering on the edge of his eyelids.
"Lix. Are you ok? You look like you're about to burst." You speak gently to Felix because he looks like a terrified little animal. 
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I was never going to tell you." 
Your confusion only grows at his vague words and you can't see Chan from the way he's turned his head. 
"I understand if you wanna break up with me. I'd probably want to if the roles were reversed."
A gentle hand on his knee prompts Felix to raise his head and look at you.
"It's ok, love. I'm sure we can work this out. Just tell me the whole story first."
"Chan and I have been best friends for so long, years before I thought about dating anyone. He's seen all my highs and lows. Then you came and changed that a lot and we started dating. But still, somewhere along the way I... I developed feelings for him." 
Felix curls himself so small it seems impossible and leans away from both you and Chan. You sit in stunned shock and try to make sense of everything that just happened. When your eyes focus again Chan's eyes are flicking between you and Felix. Felix. 
You mentally curse and lunge towards him, embracing him in a tight hug. 
"Can you look at me, my love?" You coax gently. 
He sobs harder at the loving, familiar pet name coming from your mouth but obliges. Somehow still the prettiest man you may have ever seen, but that's not important.
"It's ok." You say simply. 
Felix looks at you in confusion, sobs still wracking his body periodically even as he tries to hold them back. 
"Your feelings for Chan, they're ok." 
You can hear the small, confused noise Chan makes from his spot behind you but mostly you hear the loud whimper of Felix in front of you. 
"What? Are you joking? How are you ok with knowing your boyfriend has a crush on someone else. His best friend, as well. One of the people you're both closest to. And you're ok with that?" 
The points Felix is making aren't completely out there. But there's something that flares up in your chest, something amazing, when Chan and Felix interact so tenderly. Their normal banter is what you expect but when it's quieter or later they get softer and so do you when looking at them. 
"I am. I like that you two have an incredible dynamic completely separate with me. Of course, I love talking to you both as well. I can't explain it, but it's there. So yes, it's ok." 
Felix launches himself onto your lap and buries his face in your chest. You focus on him, nuzzling your nose in his hair and rubbing his back. To the point where you almost get lost in your own world completely. Of course, almost is the key word. 
Chan watches in envy as you both drift off into a comfortable affection and closeness. There was just a whole confession but he can’t help but feel like he doesn’t fit perfectly, not yet anyways. He wants to hold you like that, or Felix, or both. Maybe later, not today. Today he needs to go home and let you have a day to yourselves. 
Chan is off the bed before you can even speak and you and Felix look at him, puzzled. 
"Haha, um, I just don't to y'know intrude on your morning routine or anything. You don't need to get up I'll just go, yeah. We can talk more another time." 
Your deadpan look to Chan somehow increases as he says 'intrude' and you're sure Felix has pulled out his sad kitty look. 
"Chan. Bang Chan. Christopher Bang. Sit down." You order.
Felix laughs when he follows your order, almost dazedly, and sits back down to fiddle with his hands. 
"Can I kiss you? For real this time." You ask, Felix moves off your lap in anticipation.
Chan looks up at you with his jaw hanging down. He nods then closes his mouth and clears his throat.
"Yes. Please." 
You're half on his lap with your arms around his neck before he pulls you in. After a dizzying minute or so you pull away. 
Felix would be mad you got to kiss Chan with feelings first if it wasn't so damn attractive. When neither of you moves he whines and does grabby hands in that general direction. 
You move out of the way and watch as Chan goes to Felix without hesitation. Chan is wider and could probably cover Felix up entirely from the right angle. They're so soft. Chan's hands are barely touching Felix's waist and Felix's hands are moving up Chan's arms and shoulders. They’re beautiful. Absolutely stunning. When they pull away from each other your hands go to rest on each of their shoulders’ and you level Chan with a stern look. 
“Just listen until I’m done. No interrupting. Just listen.”
He has the presence of mind to just look slightly sheepish and nod.
“Me and Felix have been dating for a while but that will make you no less of a valued or important member of this relationship. If we’re going to do this then we all need to communicate our feelings to each other. So, Chan. If we ever, ever, make you feel left out in any way, you need to tell one of us. That goes for all of us in any situation.” 
You sit back but Felix catches you and pulls you into his side. Chan follows his lead and moves in front of you, putting his long arms to use and hugging both of you. You all sit in peace and adoration for a bit before stomachs begin to grumble a bit. Chan is the first to disentangle himself and the look of disbelief that crosses his face all over again is almost comical. 
"You're... This is ok?" 
You giggle at his still present disbelief. Hesitantly, you reach one hand towards him and he grabs it and moves toward you. While still making eye contact he gingerly presses his lips to the top of Felix's head. 
"It's real, Channie. I promise." You giggle then whisper.
Chan pulls his hand back and looks at both of his palms in shock. You give him a few moments then he reaches his arms back around both of you as best he can and buries his face in Felix's shoulder. 
"Thank you." He mumbles. 
"Three's a party, not a crowd for us.” You reply, leaning on Felix as well.
Felix is the glue that binds you two together, and the one that got you here in the first place. For not the first time and not the last, you're happy to have met him. 
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Part 1 - Basic Concepts of Miraculous Ladybug: Miraculous Jewels
Alright! I promised you meta and now I deliver!
I feel like people mostly watch Miraculous for the romance these days. Shipping is all everyone cares about. I wonder why? Probably because writers themselves don't take their worldbuilding very seriously and because they don't put much effort into making the audience care about something other than Love Square, like the mythology behind the Miraculous, or motivations of the main villain, or some pretty heavy topics for a kid's show that they bring up and then refuse to touch again. You know, all the good things. And this is coming from someone who is a passionate multishipper. I have lived through several shipping wars in different fandoms and came out victorious after all.
I am probably the only person out there who cares about the big picture, the overall storyline and the worldbuilding of Miraculous in addition to all details and implications that could develop into fascinating plotlines relevant to the main story. It is a rather lonely fandom experience, I must confess. But, hey? Who cares? I am here to have fun and bring to the table discussions no one wants to have.
So, let's talk about the basics.
If you, as the writing team, are capable of keeping only 1 thing consistent, then please, I beg you, let it be the basic concepts of your universe. Because in this case, one has to actively put effort into writing characters and conflict resolutions badly. And also because nothing can save bad worldbuilding.
I don't have high worldbuilding standards for Miraculous. They certainly aren't as high as the ones I had for Legend of Korra (which was a badly written trainwreck, that ATLA doesn't deserve as a sequel) or the ones I currently have for Dragon Prince. Therefore I won't be too harsh in my criticisms. Granted, I think that Miraculous has better worldbuilding and lore consistency than Winx Club for example (I haven't seen the reboot yet, so writers might have fixed their worldbuilding at least a little bit). Even though I enjoyed Winx when I was younger and some elements of this story still attract me.
Both serialised and episodic shows as well as movies to the lesser extent must have some flexibility in worldbuilding and plot because you can never be 100% sure where your story is going. Maybe, you'll get money for more seasons, maybe not. However, you must never lose sight of your basic concepts. They have to stay the same no matter what, because rewriting lore and retconning major developments every new season is not and never will be called good writing.
Forgive me for using architectural metaphors, but you need a solid foundation to build any kind of structure. Otherwise, everything falls apart.
I like to apply this logic to writing as well. When designing a world where your story takes place, you must lay a few ground rules. It's especially important if you have a magic system. What kind of ideas absolutely must exist? What kind of conclusion do you want your story to have? Does your magic system has limitations? Where is the grey area? Could you introduce new elements later on?
And I feel like the writing team of Miraculous Ladybug did not ask these questions. This may feel like I am nit-picking canon material and looking for problems that simply aren't there, but I promise that I am not. You see, things that I am about to point out only seem small at first glance. But these details are actually the source of the largest plotholes in the series. And their presence negatively affects character development, conflicts and resolutions of said conflicts.
That doesn't mean that I have nothing good to say about the magic system of the show and its elements. There are a lot of great ideas and concepts. And some of them have the potential to contribute to the delightful story.
Let's dive right into it, shall we?
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Camouflage
I have to give credit where it's due because the idea of camouflage and shapeshifting for Miraculouses is brilliant. It seems like Miraculous can't fundamentally change its type of jewellery or accessory. The ring will always be the ring but with a different ornament, colour or shape. This is true most of the time (Monkey Miraculous is an exception since it transformed into earplugs/headphones/headband/circlet) It makes sense and avoids plotholes. Grimoire doesn't have the pictures of each Miraculous in disguise for identity protection. That was very neat too. I have no comments. This concept was very good.
Also, since Marinette wore a nose ring of the Ox in "Kwamibuster" without any problem and Adrien wore Ladybug's earrings in "Reflekdoll", we can assume that you don't need to have piercings to wear a Miraculous. Miraculous just magically passes through your skin.
I'm interested to know the following. Can Kwamis recognise a camouflaged Miraculous on a person? Can the holder order them to confess the identity of this person? This shouldn't be possible for identity protection just like with Kwamis sensing each other. But more on that in later posts.
Power Levels
For a long time, we assume that there are only 7 Miraculouses. Turtle belongs to Master Fu, Gabriel has Butterfly and Peacock, Marinette and Adrien have Ladybug and Black Cat. Everything is pretty straightforward. Then it's revealed that there are more jewels and more boxes. It makes the worldbuilding interesting, but it also majorly complicates things, making them inconsistent.
Their position in the Miracle Box implies their power levels. Creation and destruction are the most powerful forces in existence, therefore they are at the top. Moreover, it makes this Box the most important, the most powerful out of all others. Su Han in "Furious Fu" calls it "Mother Miracle Box". Fox, Turtle, Bee, Butterfly and Peacock have less power than the main pair, but more than the Miraculous of the lower Zodiac tier (since they correspond with animals of the Chinese Zodiac).
1. Ladybug can create anything out of nothing (Lucky Charm, which gives what you need the most at the moment). This Miraculous can resurrect the dead, reverse the effects of the Cataclysm. The power of Miraculous Cure or Miraculous Ladybug can work in several ways:
it simply repairs the damage (puts stuff back together, heals injuries and so on)
it reverses time for the matter, restoring things back to the state they were before the destruction occurred (however, the Cure doesn't erase people's memories of everything that happened unless they were mind-controlled, frozen in place or transformed by Akuma into something else - this is an important point that I'll discuss some other time)
How does Miraculous Cure work when there are no supervillians? In NY Special Marinette just says this.
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Excuse me, what? What was that? You can't do anything when the villain is gone? What the hell?
*insert here every scene where Ladybug fixed Paris after destroying akumatized/amokized object (this action causes the Akuma victim to detransform/sentimonster to disappear - villain is gone) and purifying butterfly and feather*
It was such cheap angst. I couldn't even be upset when Adrien gave up his Miraculous, because that whole situation is just stupid. But, never mind. We aren't talking about that today.
Apparently, Lucky Charm and Miraculous Cure only work when summoned to battle a specific villain. What is the point then? Huh? You can't tell me that Ladybug has the power of unlimited creation and then say that she can't repair the damage without a special Lucky Charm that was magically synchronised with specific big bad of the week.
Ladybug also can purify Akumas. It makes sense for Ladybug to have the ability to reverse the magic of less powerful Miraculous. But this power can't be applied universally. How does this power of reversal apply to different situations where there is no evil Butterfly holder? Can Ladybug reverse the magic of any Miraculous?
The unlimited power of creation introduced in season 4 ("Mr. Pidgeon 72") is another fascinating thing. On one hand, it's logical and proves the status of this Miraculous as the most powerful. On the other hand, by introducing this power, you have created a plothole. Look, Marinette can create the charm which repels Akumas. If Ladybug can create anything then what stops her from creating a tool for finding Hawkmoth (like special glasses for discovering identities or a compass)? I mean, the show says that the power of creation is unlimited, it means that the creation of such tool is possible.
2. Black Cat can destroy anything with Cataclysm, even other Miraculous. He can kill living things and turn them into ash, but not himself. This Miraculous is supposed to have other special abilities that we don't see. And they should be equal to powers of Ladybug, both in number and in potency. Unfortunately, after 3 seasons writers didn't give us anything. It makes laughable the idea of balance between Ladybug and Black Cat.
Now, to the second tier. These Miraculouses have a singular ability, but they need a second one to keep the power balanced between Zodiac and the main pair.
3. Butterfly creates champions with different superpowers. But how does the time limit of children work for Butterfly? In theory, the countdown should start right after the creation of the Akuma since for Ladybug and Chat Noir countdown starts after activation of their powers even if they don't use them. However, if the countdown of the Butterfly begins after Akuma creation then there's no point because the holder has to stay transformed to guide their champion. The charged butterfly won't have time to even grant powers before the transformation of the child-holder drops. This issue is never explored because Gabriel doesn't have a time limit. However, I feel like it should be addressed in flashbacks of past Butterfly holders for example.
This Miraculous should be less powerful than Ladybug and Black Cat. It's often not. Some Akumas are too overpowered. Stormy Weather can move the Earth away from the Sun, Timetagger can send people through time and jump through time as well, Chat Blanc destroyed the world with a single energy blast, Miraculer could steal powers of those more powerful than her by default. These are the most notable examples. One could argue that Chat Blanc was a different case. Hawkmoth simply gave the most powerful Miraculous a boost. However, we know that even without a holder (the wildest and the most powerful form of uncontrolled Miraculous magic) Plagg's Cataclysm can't destroy the universe just like that (he presumably wiped out dinosaurs and sunk Atlantis on his own without a holder). I think that the less powerful Miraculous (Butterfly) shouldn't be able to increase the power of destruction to such a degree and give Black Cat the power to destroy celestial bodies and galaxies.
Writers want us to see Hawkmoth as the formidable villain. But it's not easy because he is less powerful than your main heroes by default of your worldbuilding. Sometimes writers make the Butterfly more powerful than creation and destruction to raise the stakes, breaking the laws of their magic system. So, how do you solve this? Let Ladybug and Black Cat keep their status as the most powerful and instead of giving Hawkmoth more magical power, make him smarter, more cunning, inventive. Gabriel is a fashion designer, whose creativity makes him a very good Butterfly holder. He has a life full of experience, he knows much more about things than the main teenage characters. Catalyst was very interesting for this very reason. Gabriel sort of discovered a cheat code to boost his powers. Show us how he experiments with his powers, how he analyses his past Akumas and tries to find the most effective ones. Maybe Gabriel tries to design Akumas that can specifically neutralise Ladybug and Chat Noir. This exploration could also give writers an opportunity to explain how the powers of Butterfly work. Can he control the type of powers he grants? Can he control the appearance of Akumas? There are many things to be explored.
4. Peacock creates sentimonsters. I remember that fans were very disappointed when the power of the Peacock was revealed at the end of season 2. I was one of them. The concept of Amoks is far too similar to akumatized butterflies. Other Miraculouses have unique abilities and keywords for their powers, while Peacock just looks like Butterfly 2.0. That glowing mask effect just adds insult to injury.
You have to start by figuring out the powers of the Peacock in a normal situation. If a holder is a good person, then how does their power work? For example, make them related to sight (because of the "eye" pattern on feathers). Maybe, Peacock grants the ability to see the several possibilities of the future, but only a few minutes ahead. Maybe, this Miraculous gives you the ability to see through someone's eyes for a few minutes (and the victim is completely unaware of the intrusion). Perhaps, Peacock allows the holder to use feathers (or tiny peacocks) as cameras one at a time and be all-seeing. These feather-spies can be destroyed by the holder or disappear on their own after some time. Such power could be devastating when used against heroes in canon.
5. Bee can paralyze. This power is pretty straightforward. Once I read a fanfiction focused on very vell done Chloe Redemption, where she fights alongside Ladybug and Chat Noir. Eventually, she grows and becomes a better person. This fic ends with an Akuma battle, where LB and CN are trapped and Akuma is ready to kill them. But Chloe uses a second power of the Bee on the villain - Miraculous Stinger. It's deadly both for the holder and for the victim (because bees die when they sting someone). Chloe kills the Akuma with a Stinger before it can get LB and CN, but she too dies making the ultimate irreversible sacrifice. I will add a link if I find it again.
6. Turtle can create a shield. I don't have much to say on this either. It feels underpowered compared to others in the second tier. Maybe Turtle can also slow down opponents (because turtles aren't the fasters animals out there).
7. Fox creates illusions and acts as their puppeteer. In order to create a balance between other powers, these illusions must hold for as long as the holder needs them to. I propose this mostly because we see that Venom of the Bee lasts very long, the shield of the Turtle lasts either until it's destroyed or the holder wants to remove it, same goes for Akumas and sentimonsters who disappear only when the holder wants them to or their affected object is destroyed.
Let's talk about Zodiac tier. Miraculous of the third tier shouldn't have the second ability like more powerful ones. These powers are the most inconsistent. Even if we haven't seen all of them yet.
8. Mouse can create many small clones of the holder. It is unclear how these clones communicate with each other and how many of them this Miraculous can create. The holder can control the number of clones. This power was very convenient in "Kwamibuster" and it makes sense symbolically for the mouse. What activates the time-limit for children? Marinette didn't have any problems with it when she became Multimouse.
9. Snake can create a 5-minute time loop and has the ability to come back in time. This Miraculous feels a bit overpowered for the Miraculous of the Zodiac Tier. The holder can reset the time as many times as he/she needs to. It's was a good source of drama and trauma in "Desperada". I was honestly surprised that Adrien was capable of fighting after spending months in a loop. But this doesn't change the fact that Snake is overpowered. You can give this Miraculous the power to hypnotise or keep the time ability but place a limit on the number of resets. How does the lyre work as a weapon? Who knows? No one!
10. Dragon can shapeshift into elements: water, wind and lightning. It has the coolest transformation words hands down (Bring the Storm and Open Sky). Apparently this Miraculous doesn't have the time limit.
11. Rabbit can time travel or jump through alternative realities, even writers aren't sure. Time-travel in this show is so badly written it gives me a headache. This Miraculous shouldn't exist just like its powers. Snake belongs to the same tier, but 5 minutes and whole centuries of time jumps aren't comparable in power levels. They are not and this is the hill I will die on. Give the Rabbit powers related to its symbolism in China like an ability to de-age people, heal them or give them a speed boost in contrast with Turtle who might have the ability to slow down.
This Miraculous is so special that its Kwami - Fluff can live separately from his Miraculous in a Miracle Box for millennia (Fluff lives in the Box in "Sandboy", but his Miraculous, pocket watch, was passed down for generations in Alix's family). This is a discussion for a separate post, however. There's a lot to unpack. We'll do that some other time. You will suffer with me but at a later date.
12. Horse can create portals. They could lead anywhere, which is pretty cool. On the other hand, this power is not very useful in direct combat, especially when it's used by a child since we can have only one portal per transformation.
13. Monkey can cause a malfunction in powers of other people. What is the point of this? This power was specifically created by writers to defeat Akuma in "Party Crasher". That's it. What if your target is not magical? How does this Miraculous work in different circumstances?
14. Pig shows people their greatest desire. Both the holder and the recipient of this power can see this desire. Chat Noir wasn't impressed in "Guiltrip" and neither was I. It's underpowered compared to other Miraculous in this tier. Also, why does the tambourine can shoot energy beams? Why?
That's all I have to say on the matter. I'll update the power analysis as needed.
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Leonard McCoy - Guilt
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♫ - Mars - Sleeping At Last
For @space-cowboy2227, I hope you enjoy and this is what you wanted! You lot as always, thank you for reading! Hugs! ♡
TW/CW: Survivors guilt and PTSD are running themes, if these make you uncomfortable then please skip this one! 
Vulcan had been your home for some while, though you were not Vulcan yourself. Your studies had granted you time on many different planets, there to study the way their society worked and culture as a whole. Though, despite your time on other planets, there was just something about Vulcan that drew you to stay. Once your studies were complete, you returned and had resided there since. Two years later and you had remained.
There was something about Vulcan that kept you there. So much about it was beautiful. The colours of the planet were all sorts reds, greens and browns. The natural environment was made up of jutted rock formations, most of its surface covered in large deserts and mountain ranges. Bodies of water and rivers broke up the land. Your favourite parts of the landscapes were the volcanoes, some active and some not, alongside the ancient ruins and lava fields.
These were all things you were forced to remember about the planet you had come to call your home. Distant memories were all you had left.
Fire and death had replaced every good thought you had about Vulcan. Needless bloodshed all for the sake of revenge. A less than understandable motivation, more so now than ever. You were there the day it happened, the day Nero had drilled into the surface all in the name of vengeance. People died around you, in front of you, Vulcans and non-Vulcans alike. You were told fewer than ten thousand people on Vulcan had survived; most of those you'd held dear were dead. Images of that day flashed through your mind each day, unable to escape the thoughts.
You had ended up aboard the Enterprise, a Federation starship sent by Starfleet in an attempt to help Vulcan stop Nero's attack. They did, they managed to destroy his own ship, the Narada, but just a little too late. The ship's doctor, a man named Leonard McCoy, was the man to treat your injuries.
"There, you'll be fine," his voice was low, not unkind. You failed to say anything, you hadn't since you got into sickbay, and the doctor was rather worried. "Are you alright, Y/N? I mean, I can understand you bein' quiet and all, but are you alright?"
His voice pulled you from your thoughts, and you feigned a smile at him.
"I am, thank you, Doctor."
"Yeah, you look it," he raised an eyebrow. In a sincere voice, Leonard spoke again. "I'm a doctor, not a psychic, but I can absolutely see you ain't alright. I'm here if you need anything, just come on in and I'll help you with what you need."
Each night was a struggle to fall asleep, to even get any form of relaxation; memories and recollections plagued your waking thoughts, and your subconscious was no better. You were unmotivated to do anything, barely leaving your quarters unless you had to. Feelings of sickness and isolation overwhelmed you at times.
The gravity of Leonard's words didn't hit you until your worst night. Waking up with a start, you were in tears, and decided to take the doctor up on his offer.
Making your way from your guest quarters, you navigated the ship as best you could, still a little unsure of what was where; you hadn't seen a ship the size of the Enterprise before, she was beautiful. You only wish you had been aboard for better, happier reasons. Eventually, you found yourself at the doors to sickbay, hoping Leonard was still in there. In your scared state, you failed to acknowledge that these were indeed sleeping hours.
Opening the door, you slowly padded in to see a small light in the office, making your way over with a light foot. Knocking, you waited for any answer from inside.
"Come in." A gruff, tired voice sounded, and you did so.
The door opened to reveal the handsome doctor, hunched over his desk with a dim light above him illuminating the room and setting a rather pensive mood. A pair of shining eyes made their way up to your own, eyeing you with a curiosity; Leonard most certainly wasn't used to visitors at such an hour.
"Oh," he realised he hadn't spoke, so he stood and motioned for you to enter, inviting you in. "Please. What can I do for you?"
As you stepped in, you sat on the chair that was free and now in the light, Leonard could see your tear stained face, eyes red and puffy. He looked down apologetically, kneeling down in front of you.
"I- I-" you stuttered, unable to get your sentence out for fear of your voice breaking. Luckily, Leonard interrupted you, saving both an awkward sentence and an uncomfortable silence.
"I know, I understand."
"It was horrible, doctor. I can't put it out of mind, every time I close my eyes all I can see is the destruction. I feel so guilty, Leonard, there were people I knew, people I cared about, that didn't survive. I lost everybody, and still I managed to survive. A part of me thinks I shouldn't have..."
Your string of words had fallen off its trail as Leonard placed a hand on your shoulder, noticing the silent tears that began to fall down your cheeks once more.
"You absolutely should be here, Y/N. Please, don't ever think that you shouldn't be. Survivor's guilt is not uncommon, especially when someone's gone through what you have. It makes you no less worthy to be here. We'll get through it though, right? Together."
You looked up from your lap and stopped twiddling your thumbs. Seeing Leonard give you a small smile, you nodded, albeit a little half-heartedly.
"Is there any getting through this?" Your words were whispered, and he frowned slightly, not liking seeing you upset. He brought his hand from your shoulder and took one of your own in his. The other came to rest on your knee.
"Yes, there is. It will take time, and a lot of patience, but you can do it. Hell, we can do it. I'll work with you for as long as it takes. There's steps for things like this, and I'm gonna make a promise to you now, that you'll be alright in the end. Fully healed and moved on? Perhaps not. But better and healthier? Certainly. You don't deserve this; none of you do."
Leonard had moved his eyes from yours and instead was looking at the hand he held in his. You looked at his face, and in the light, you could see how he felt. He was upset himself, almost pained, and you instinctively took his other hand.
"Are you alright, doctor? You yourself seem... a little down" you asked softly.
"I uh, I'll share something with you. I have a.. a friend," he began, still not looking up at you. "He's a Vulcan, and he works on this ship. He's just lost his mother. Now, we fight tooth and nail and we never agree on nothin', but I still don't want to see him the way he is. He's struggling, as much as a Vulcan will let on, but he refuses help, citing his own peoples traditions as coping mechanisms instead. So, if I can't help him then I'm damn well gonna help everyone else."
As he spoke, you could see in each word that he was serious. Very serious. You placed a hand on his cheek, drawing his head up to you. Your eyes were watery, and so were his. Leonard looked at you just as you had him when you first arrived. Bringing him forward, you wrapped your arms around his neck and held him close.
"I swear," he said quietly. "I swear I'll help you be alright."
Pulling yourself back, you looked him dead in the eye, eyes still brimming with tears as you let your emotions free. Cupping his face, you wiped some of the stray tears that fell down Leonard's face too, a side of himself he rarely chose to show. In the face of such tragedy, however, it was hard not to. Taking comfort in each other, you whispered your reply.
"Thank you."
You stayed with Leonard in his office that night, sitting whilst he worked, both of you taking solace in the other's presence. From that day on, you vowed to work on recovery, knowing that with Leonard's support, you could accomplish anything.
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shaggi · 3 years
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if i could stop time, i would
info ; eren x reader ; soulmates ; 1.8k
content warning ; end of the world concept, mentions of not really wanting to live lol, gentle angst
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Day one. 72 hours until the world ends.
The world is going to shit. I know it is because I can hear the panicked buzz of mothers holding their children close and reassuring them as the news practically burned "we're all going to die" into our heads.
My fingers twitched as they held the dark blue fabric of my jeans. I'm terrified ㅡ as is the rest of the people watching the news ㅡ and it most definitely doesnt help when they plaster a large timer onto the screen counting down our days and hours left on our beloved blue planet.
"We never thought this day would come.. Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached the end of the chapter." The words echoed into the back of my mind. 'The end of the chapter'? I havent even really lived my life? I'm only seventeen.. I barely made it to graduation. I suck in a deep breath, filling my lungs fully before releasing the built up pressure.
Theres a burning sensation on my waterline, tears threatening to roll down my cheeks. My hands begin to shake when I think back to all the sleepless nights I spent not enjoying life. I took life for granted ㅡ and now it's going to end in three days. In seventy-two hours, it's all going to go away. That's not enough time to say all the things I didnt have a chance to say.
Wasted opportunities.
Wasted chances that I now no longer have control over.
My legs suddenly feel like spaghetti and walking seems like a foriegn topic to me. I just need to sit down, take a breather.
Who am I kidding. The storm inside me is raging on tonight and my hands have a handful of messy locks.
I catch glimpse of inked red calligraphy spelling out the name 'Eren' that is marked onto the inside of my forearm in small writing just an inch below my wrist. My heart swells with sadness.
The sense of realization settles in, practically telling me to 'let this sink in for a little'. I'm not ever going to get the chance to meet my soulmate. I'll never get the satisfaction of weaving their fingers with mine, to lay on the couch on cold winter nights with blankets drooped over our shoulders. Never get the chance to tell them I love them over and over again, to brush their hair behind their ears, grab them by the smooth skin of theirs and feel the fireworks of pressing my lips against their own.
I wont feel the sweet electricity course through me like people explained would happen when they touched their soulmate for the first time. I've spent seventeen years searching for this perfect person in the happiness of this little town. The universe promised a perfect person, they never promised me to meet them though.
The younger generations were lucky, for they werent born with marks. They werent tied to someone, so they dont have anything to lose other than the fact that they're too young to leave this world.
A crowd begins to pull outside, staring at the sky with both a mix of admiration and fear. The blue sky has begun to turn itself into a peach color. My town's happy vibe has now turned uneasy, scared, unsure.
That day, I walk home slowly when the sky begins to darken, taking the scenery of the autumn leaves disarray upon the concrete sidewalk. If the world is ending in three days, I'm going to make the most of it. Soak it up like a sponge. Do what I should've been doing these past seventeen years and love life for once ㅡ despite all the wrong. Despite the fact that I'll never graduate, and never meet my soulmate. I force myself to disregard the nagging thoughts that tug at my conscious.
I dont think about the fact that I'll never get a chance to buy my first apartment.
I dont think about how I wont be able to wake up every morning to make my significant other breakfast.
And I most certainly dont think about how I'll never be able to take my lovers hand at the alter and say with great pride, "I do."
Day 2. 48 hours until the world ends.
Today, I woke up early. Early enough that the sun still hasn't peaked over the clouds. They say that if you wake up early enough the day takes longer to end.
The aching pain in my chest never seems to cease. I laugh a little bitterly at the calander on the wall, I feel like its mocking me now. A part of me wants to rip the thing to shreds and scream until my throat is raw ㅡ but I said I'd make the best of these last days. So, I push these bitter thoughts from my mind and start up a warm shower.
Seventeen years of not wanting to be alive, and now I only have two days to live until the entire world completely goes to shit. Ironic, isn’t it? Why now am I so angry? The water is warm trickling down my bare body, as my shower thoughts continue treading forward to how I could make life better in less than forty-eight hours.
I walk down a different road today, deciding that routine wasnt necessary when the world is going to end in forty-eight hours. The countdown continues on nearby TVs, the bright white luminous against the dark morning sky.
It makes me feel anxious.
Destruction clouds my mind, but I bite my lip and hold my ground. This situation will not drive me crazy.
The town is a lot quieter than I expected, then again it's only 6 in the morning.
The day carries on just as any other day, the air seems heavier though. It's the night time that brings chaos.
You see, I've been walking around town all day blowing that last little bits of money I have on little things that have no purpose. The sky is the same sunset peach as it was yesterday, only barely hinting at a blue color.
There's a faint noise a few blocks from where I am standing, and at first I chose the ignore it. The yelling got louder and louder until I felt my feet pull like magnets to what was going on.
Chocolate hair, smooth tan skin shining under the soft orange of the sky, handfuls of someones shirt as this mystery man pinned some junky against the rough brick wall. His eyes held a killer glow, practically fuming from the ears. I was going to mind my own business, but then I saw the other strike at the brunette ㅡ and I dont know why, but I stepped in.
A surprise attack, a blow right to the face, maybe a minor bruise on my cheek from when the other decided to attack back ㅡ but soon he left. I turn my gaze back to the brunette who still sits on the floor, palms pressed into the concrete.
"I didnt need your help," he hissed, dusting his hands against the black fabric of his jeans.
"Oh you're welcome for saving your ass, wasnt a problem at all." My hand lifts to my face, pressing onto the bruise and wincing before squatting next to this stranger. "Is it bad? Let me see," The moment my hand makes contact with the others chin I feel the rush of electricity course through me.
Overwhelming is an understatement. Sweet emotions flooded through my mind but I can feel the pounding of fear in my veins, and bittersweet it was. When I retract my hand, I see that he's mirrored the exact expression I have; eyes blown wide, fear in the darks of his pupils.
"Eren..?" trying to keep my voice from cracking seems hard, and it comes out more like a whisper. This situation leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. Where the hell has he been for seventeen years? Why is he just now showing up?
Eren immediately sprung to his feet, taking a few steps back with no words to say. I snatched at his left arm, pushing the sweaters sleeve up and over his forearm to see my name inked in blue against his paper skin. "So.. you're my soulmate?" I promise I didnt mean to make it sound disappointed ㅡ but in a way, I guess you could say I was.
So many questions raced through my mind; but the biggest question of all was why? Why now of all times we could've met? Why must I be gifted with the worst luck.
Eren isnt a bad person though, and in the few hours we've spent together I can tell you this; His favorite color is red, he lives with his mother and a girl that his family took in when they were very little - who he loves dearly, he can play guitar very well, he looks absolutely adorable with his hair tied up, and that's only the stuff he's told me within the first hour.
Words cannot express how much I wished we could have more time together, but the bright TV clocks continue to remind me that our time is running out.
"There's nothing more I'd rather do than to spend my last moments with you," Eren whispered, golden flecks in his beautiful ocean eyes. His hand was held in mine as the pained expression washed over his face. Somewhere in the conversation led us to this point of heartbreak. We both explained how we wanted nothing more than to meet earlier in life, but apparently the universe had a different plan.
The idea of parting with Eren now just seemed like a waste, and I'd much rather take my dying last breath next to the one I looked for my entire life. Falling in love is easy when you've got nothing to live for.
The walk back to my house is silent, but it's a comfortable silence, and we never seem to let go of each others hands. The house is quiet and dark when we enter.
The rest of the remaining night we have is spent cuddled under the thick blanket of mine, Eren held me close to his chest as we whisper sweet things that wont mean much in a few hours. Chaste kisses are showered over the male as I remind him of how I never stopped searching for him.
He studied my face, moving a strand of hair behind my ear before placing his palm onto my cheek and rubbing his thumb across the smoothness underneath my eye. I could feel my breath begin to shallow and my heart skip a beat. I loved the way his eyes sparkled under my dim-lit room, the way I could feel his heartbeat pulsing from how close we lay where, how steady his breathing was, and how gentle he caressed me.
Its bittersweet, and I never believed in the after life, but with him - maybe, just maybe, we will meet again in the next life.
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1dfangirls35 · 4 years
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Voir Dire (N.H.)
A fake dating OU about contracts, soulmates and risking it all for love
Masterlist // Tell Me What You Think!
twenty-one
Niall couldn't help but feel out of place. 
As he sat in the near silent waiting room, surrounded by mother's cradling their baby bumps, holding hands with their partners beside them, and chasing after children, he began to wonder how he'd ended up in this place, sat beside Krystal as they awaited her very first OB appointment.
His palms were sweating, which probably had something to do with the fact that with every passing minute this became more and more real. He was going to be a father. In six short months he would have a child; a miniature version of him staring back at him.
It wasn't that Niall didn't want to be a father. He'd always pictured it as part of his future. Chasing a giggly toddler around the living room. Kicking a soccer ball back and forth in the green grass of his backyard. He'd even envisioned himself changing a few smelly diapers. But when he'd imagined it, it had always been with someone he loved beside him. A child created because he loved someone so much that he couldn't wait to bring another person into their life together. He'd never thought he'd become a father in this way- knocking up his fake girlfriend in a one night stand because both of them were lonely.
Niall looked over at Krystal. She was twirling a piece of her long blonde hair around her finger, over and over again, her eyes fixated on the blank beige wall in front of them. She hadn't said a word since Niall had picked her up this morning, well, except for a very soft 'Krystal Hoffman' to the lady at the front desk. Niall knew that for every ounce of fear he had in his body, the number was a thousand-fold in Krystal's. This wasn't what she'd planned either. She was supposed to be getting ready to land her first acting gig, not preparing to have her life changed forever by a child.
He reached his hand out, placing it on top of hers with a reassuring squeeze. Krystal turned her head and gave him the smallest of smiles, but Niall saw right through it. Her eyes revealed that she's just as terrified as she was when she broke the news to Niall almost four weeks ago.
******************
After their "hook-up", Niall chose to act like it never happened, and lucky for him, Krystal chose the same stance. Maybe they'd both realized it was a poor decision, made in a vulnerable, emotional moment. Things returned to normal for a few weeks, they went on their last few PR dates, they maintained their friendship, and Niall still  returned home at night feeling like his life was in shambles. The light at the end of the tunnel was that the end of the contract was in sight. The promo was done, the concerts sold-out, all that remained was one final blockbuster-worthy break-up to get Niall that last ounce of publicity.
But then something changed. One day Krystal was cracking jokes with Niall as they walked down Rodeo Drive hand in hand; three days later she was nearly mute, speaking only when absolutely necessary. She seemed unfocused- like her mind was in an entirely different place than her body. He'd tried probing her, thinking that maybe she'd talk to him about it- the boy that was on her mind or the audition she was stressed about . Instead he was answered with a sharp "It's nothing. I'm fine" and the most forced smile he'd ever seen.
Niall attributed it to the nerves of this all ending. He told himself that Krystal was simply looking into auditions, trying to find her next step after the split from Niall. Niall didn't even consider the idea that there was something bigger eating her up inside. Much bigger.
"We need to talk," Krystal said one evening on a PR sighting out to dinner, her eyes shifting to look out the window.
"Go ahead, I'm listening," Niall laughed. They were talking. That's all they'd been doing at this table where a few paparazzi had come to take some pictures. The media had died down slightly, perhaps because the newness of Niall and Krystal had faded. Perhaps they were on to the next celebrity couple- at least for the time being.
"I think this is a conversation that would be better to have in private." Krystal's voice shook every so slightly as she spoke, and Niall couldn't help but notice that she can't seem to look him in the eyes.
"Okay," he responded cheerfully. His insides, however, churned in anticipation of what Krystal could possibly have to say to him in a private conversation.
His insides continued to churn. While they exited from the restaurant with Krystal's hand intertwined with his. While they drove in near silence back to Niall's house. And now, while Niall sat impatiently on his sofa as he waited for Krystal to speak. 
She was staring at the black and white framed photo of The Eagles positioned on Niall's wall and Niall could have sworn that she hadn't blinked since they'd arrived. He watched as Krystal twirled a piece of her hair inbetween her fingers, her chest rising and falling in deep even breaths as if she's concentrating on her own respirations.
"I'm pregnant," she blurted out suddenly, her words leaving her mouth so quickly that Niall's not even sure he heard them correctly.
At first, Krystal's statement didn't even register in Niall's mind. It made sense to him- why Krystal would be acting so anxious, why she seemed like her mind was on something else. And then suddenly, his brain comprehends why she's telling him this. His stomach lurched. It couldn't be.
Niall's mind scoured for any recollection from that night. But there were hardly any pieces to be found. He remembered Krystal showing up at his door, her remembered comforting her, and he remembered laying in bed afterwards feeling like he'd been punched in the gut- but the in between? That was all a bit blurry, like his emotions had blocked it from his mind.
"But," Niall began, as if protesting what Krystal had said would somehow make it less true. "Didn't we use..."
"I don't remember," Krystal spat, as if she'd suddenly gotten her voice back. "But I'm on the pill and I mean I guess sometimes I forget or a miss the alarm but I swear I always take it when I remember and..." Krystal began to ramble.
Niall didn't hear the rest of what she said, her words sounded muffled, like Niall was underwater. He certainly felt like he could be underwater. Like he was drowning- the outside world slowly slipping from his grasp. 
"Fuck," Niall muttered under his breath. He felt his pulse quickening, his head  pounding, and his breathing becoming ragged. He couldn't be in here, in this space with this announcement. He rushed towards the back door, flinging it open with a bang and rushing out onto the green lawn.
"Where are you going?" Krystal shouted but Niall didn't even hear her.
He stood there for a moment, inhaling and exhaling deeply. He felt like he was not even in his own body. Like he's watching a movie of his life- a very bad one at that, where everything that could possibly go wrong for the protagonist does. Niall looked up at the blue Los Angeles sky. He figured that at any moment, the skies would open up in a torrential downpour, to really set the mood. They didn't. Instead, the sun shined back at him and he felt that maybe he should curse at the world for all the bad cards he'd been dealt as of late. But he couldn't do that either, because this -this was all his own doing. It's the wake-up call that Niall  had needed for so long. The shock to his system that finally made him realize that he was on a path to self-destruction. And in that moment he realized that his life was never going to get better if he didn't start taking back control. And that started with facing the consequences of his actions. 
Niall heard Krystal sniffling as he re-entered the house. He watched as she quickly tried to wipe her eyes with the back of her hand, but even that couldn't hide the puffiness that now surrounded them. He instantly felt guilty for running out on her like that. She'd probably been terrified to tell him in the first place, and here he was bolting like a total dick.
Niall didn't say anything at first, sliding onto the couch next to Krystal and wrapping his arm around her shoulder. She laid her head against him as he whispered "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have left like that."
He half expected her to lash out at him. To yell at him for leaving after she just told him something so serious. To lecture him that his actions were nothing like that of a father, and that he had a long way to go if he wanted a place in this child's life. She didn't.
"It's okay," she responded in a shaky voice that proved that it was far from okay.
There were a million questions racing through Niall's mind, including the looming question of whether or not this was even his baby. He knew it was a possibility, but it was a small one right?   They'd only ever slept together once. 
"It's mine?" Niall asked, "You're sure?" Niall wasn't sure what transpired that night, but he swears he is starting to remember grabbing that foil package from his bedside drawer. He was always careful. Always.
Krystal  quickly nodded. "I've looked at the dates a million times and it... it just adds up that way." Niall could have sworn he heard some hesitation in her voice, but maybe that was his brain trying to hear things that weren't there, searching for a way out of this. Krystal wouldn't lie to him. Not about anything this important. Not about something that would change the course of  both their lives. He suddenly regretted ever asking about the paternity, thinking it likely made him look desperate for a way out. 
"I'm sorry, I debated not even telling you, and I know we have the contract meeting next week and..." Krystal's eyes began to glaze over again. "I just want you to know that I completely understand if you want nothing to do with this. I'll keep quiet about it- even to your management."
Niall looked Krystal in the eyes. He could see the fear filling her hazel irises, and he began to think about just how much strength it had taken Krystal to tell him. The turmoil that had likely been going on inside her head day in and day out . And though every ounce of him wanted to be angry, at himself, at Krystal, at his management for every putting him in this situation in the first place, all he could feel was an ache in his heart for Krystal.
"Krystal, look at me," he said, taking her hands into his.  "I will support you in whatever decision you make. You aren't going to go through this alone."
Krystal nodded, but her eyebrows were still laced with concern. "I'm going to keep it," she murmured softly, as if she was hesitating to vocalize her decision aloud. "Maybe my mom's right and I've made a terrible mistake and I'm ruining my life, but maybe it's a blessing in disguise? " Niall could tell that Krystal was still trying to convince herself of that last part. He wanted to press her about her mother, but he knows know is not the time.
Instead, he wraps his arms around Krystal, hugging her tight. "You're going to be an excellent mother, I just know it."
*****************
Niall and Krystal came to the conclusion that they had to mention their news to Niall's management, especially since their upcoming meeting was supposed to be all about how to break things off. Not to mention the fact that Niall was supposed to be on tour during the time Krystal's online due date calculator indicated the baby would be arriving. Niall found it a bit ironic, for so long he had longed for the day when he would be free to spend time with whoever he chose again, and here he was willingly giving Capitol a reason to continue to dictate his personal life.
Mr. Michaels was perched behind his desk with a sinister grin plastered on his face like always as Niall and Krystal entered his office to discuss the status of the contract. Entering the Capitol Office never got any easier, and Niall wondered what bombshell Mr. Michaels had to drop on Niall's plans this time. Niall wasn't thrilled with the idea of extending the contract, but he wasn't sure what else there was to do at this point. He was trying to do the right thing. And if the right thing meant continuing to fake a relationship with Krystal- that's exactly what he would do.
He took a seat in the chair next to Krystal, rubbing his palms against his grey trousers as Mr. Michaels began to clear his throat. "As you both know, the contract is about to expire. So we need to discuss how we will wrap this relationship up," Mr. Michaels announced.
"Before we discuss that," Niall interrupted hesitantly, noticing that his voice cracked. "We have something to tell you that may...influence how the ending of this is handled."
Mr. Michaels raised an eyebrow, clearly confused.
"I'm pregnant," Krystal blurted out before he had a chance to ask questions.
Mr. Michaels was silent for a moment, and Niall took small satisfaction in knowing that for once he had caught the man off-guard. "I see," Mr. Michaels paused, tapping his pen against the metal surface of his desk. "Well in that case we can certainly extend the contract as needed, although  it's not what we had planned for promotion I can't say that this won't generate its own set of publicity..."
"No," Krystal said suddenly, causing Mr. Michaels to look up abruptly.
"I'm sorry," he asked, giving Krystal a confused glance.
"No, I won't sign another contract," Krystal repeated, her voice firmer this time. "I'm simply notifying you so that you can alter your plans. If Niall wants to be part of this child's life, I want it to be by his choice and on his terms."
Mr. Michaels looked startled, like that was the last thing he expected to leave Krystal's mouth. Niall wondered if he looked shocked too, because he also hadn't even considered the fact that Krystal would refuse signing the contract. 
"You didn't have to do that," he said as they entered the elevator to leave the Capitol building, having come to an agreement with Mr. Michaels that their relationship in the public eye would fizzle out without any outside interference and that Niall's tour dates from mid-February to March would be rescheduled. 
"It was the only thing I could do Niall. I don't want this contract dictating your life anymore, and I certainly don't want you to resent me or this baby because of it."
"Thank you," Niall replied softly, but he knew even those words weren't big enough to express just how grateful he was to finally be out of Capitol's control- or at least partly. 
***********************************
In the time since they'd met with Capitol, there had been many rumors circulating. Rumors that Niall and Krystal had broken up when their sightings together disappeared. Rumors that they were expecting a baby triggered by the suspicious rescheduling of some of Niall's tour dates. Even rumors that the two had broken up because of the baby. 
They weren't together- not in a romantic sense- but Niall had committed himself to being there for Krystal in whatever way possible, especially after learning that her mother had effectively disowned her when she learned she was pregnant. He knew he was doing the right thing- but that didn't make the right thing easy.
He often laid awake at night wondering if this is what his life would become, a platonic co-parenting relationship with his former fake girlfriend. Fearing what this would do to his career. Imagining what this news might do to the person who still had a grasp on his heart, no matter how much time had passed. A part of Niall wondered what would have happened if all those months ago, Capitol hadn't decided he needed a girlfriend to promote his record. Would he be where he was now? Or was his life always meant to be this way?
"Krystal Hoffman," the nurse called out, entering the waiting room with a clipboard in hand and snapping Niall back into reality.  Krystal stood abruptly and Niall noticed her hand shaking as she reached to grab her purse. He reached out, setting a hand on the small of her back and leaning over to whisper in her ear. "We can do this." 
But he's not sure who needed more convincing- Krystal or himself.
Tag List: @awomanindeniall​​ , @ihearthemcallingforyou​ , @niall-is-my-dream​​ ,​  @stylishmuser​​​ , @thicksniall
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dduane · 6 years
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I've talked myself out of writing ideas I love because I'm too afraid of what my audience will think and that I'll be vilified for writing just about anything that isn't low-rated fluff. The fear exists for both fanfic and original fiction. Do you have any advice on how to overcome that fear?
I don’t know that it needs to be overcome so much as ignored. 

Here’s the deal. (And you must all imagine me being as serious about the following as you’ve ever heard me get, even though there will be cussing in this. (In fact, as as the continuity announcers say over here, “Adult language, violence and flashing lights from the outset…”)
First of all: The hell with your audience. (…This sentiment may sound rude or potentially self-destructive, but if you run this past most professional writers who routinely do work of higher-than-phoning-it-in level, I bet you’ll get a lot of agreement.) If you’re serious about writing well, your first duty is to please yourself. You are the only audience you have any business being concerned about.
Confused people, especially people with no interest in writing anything, may attempt to shove this insight aside as somehow egotistical or selfish or silly. Ignore them. They are missing the vital data that comes of being saddled with the desire to write (and to write well; I don’t think anyone sets out on purpose to write badly, though God knows it happens).
(ETA: Wow, I got kind of intense about this, and it goes on for a bit. So here’s a cut.)
This naughty world being the hotbed of uncertainty that it is, what you write may be successful (in either the public spheres of professional publication or of fanfic, doesn’t matter which) or it may not be successful at all, or it may be just a little bit successful, or occasionally successful, just enough to make you crazy. This being the case, the one reasonable, logical thing to do is make sure that at least somebody, at least one person, is happy with it / about your work: the only one whose responses you have a better than 50/50 chance of having be positive. And that person is you… assuming you do your work the best you can. 
Your business is to write what makes you happy.
That quality of having written something that gives you joy, that satisfaction, will illumine whatever you do. And it doesn’t matter a good god damn if anybody else sees that light—though the less you worry about others’ responses, I believe, the better a chance you have in others seeing it. Please yourself first, because you have zero control over whether anyone else will care about what you’re doing or how you’re doing it. Follow your heart. This may sound like a cliché, but all clichés got that way because they have some element of truth buried in them; and in this case the truth isn’t so deeply buried at all. Seeking to bring your desires out of the nonmanifest and into the here and now, out of the unreal and into the real, and pulling it off, is one of the very best ways to make yourself happy.
No, it may not necessarily be orgasmic, mind-blinding joy. Yes, you’ll almost certainly start seeing ways to improve whatever you just wrote. (One of the better signs that you’re meant to be a writer.) You may also immediately get the urge to write something else, something completely different; this is a commonplace. So then you go do that. But you will have made yourself happy at the very least by starting a thing, by finishing it (you have no idea how difficult some people find completing a work), by it being worth having started and finished. Even if it’s not perfect – and it won’t be: every writer chases the radiant and unimprovable “Platonic” version of a work that they see in their heads, and none of us ever catch it, for entropy’s running – even lacking perfection, you’ll have done the thing you wanted to do: made something out of nothing, and created something that (ideally) made you glad.
People aren’t clear, I think, about how much power is wound up in that simple concept. But only after you’ve done that for a while do you need to be wondering about how to satisfy an audience beyond yourself.
…And before I go on to the next thing: let me correct a misconception you’ve acquired. I note the concept “low-rated fluff”. Ratings systems are of varying use in This Naughty World: even good ones get busted or abused, and as for bad ones, well, someone who writes for a living doesn’t have to look much further than certain gigantic bookselling empires and The Reviews, as in “Don’t read the reviews!!” (I sure don’t.) But here in particular, I want to rein you hard on the idea that fluff (in the fanfic sense) is necessarily worthless, or of low worth generally.
When the craving strikes, I am an enthusiastic consumer of fluff of a level of cuddly  huggy-wuggy smoochywoochieness that would rot every single tooth in your head and turn your cerebrospinal fluid to maple syrup. And some of it is not all that well written, but never mind that, because you don’t necessarily need a writer to be fucking Faulkner or Joyce when you go looking for fluff: you want SENTIMENT and you want it chucked on by the shovelful. You want a dose of sweet pathos, ideally with only the necessary balancing amount of the bittersweet: you want positive catharsis: you want what Tolkien called eucatastrophe. If the writer delivers that, then who the hell cares if they over-adverb the pudding a little? And if the writer who’s committed to the work is skilled as well, then wow and holy shit, you are blessed.
And the reason you’re blessed is because that writer—I’m betting—did exactly what they fucking well pleased and wrote fluff, the very best goddamn fluff they could that day, and screw anybody who would come along and judge it negatively later. They wrote what they wanted to say and feel, and did the work, and you’ve benefited from it. So there are two people now who’re happy, yeah. (Or theoretically more.) Which is a good thing.
So if the spirit moves you, write fluff. Write terrific fluff. Commit to it (because life’s too short not to commit completely to what you decide to write). You absolutely cannot tell who will read a piece of your fluff one day (or any other work in any other genre) and when they’re finished say DEAR GOD THANK YOU THAT WAS EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED, and go away refreshed in spirit. Or with their life somehow changed for the better in ways you can’t possibly imagine or understand.
Never, ever assume that something you’ve written is of no use or little importance… for this is perhaps the only kind of alchemy that actually works. People you’ve never seen or met will take stuff that you made up out of your head, stuff you might have been telling yourself was no better than dross or base metal, and turn it into gold.
So write the fluff. And anything else that you bloody well feel like. This bit of pleasing yourself by making something out of nothing is as close to true and perfect freedom as you’re ever likely to get as a human being.
…Now where else were we?
Oh yeah, the fear.
Ignoring it as irrational and not worth paying attention to is the quickest way (in my experience) to get on with things. But I have a lot of practice at it, and not everybody can do that. You may have to come at it in a slightly more strenuous way—like taking it to the mat and conquering it repeatedly by simply writing something every week, ever few days, every day. Writing something—doesn’t matter what. Writing some words, doesn’t matter how many. A few sentences, a few paragraphs, a page a day.
Fear can be blunted, worn down or away, with surprising ease sometimes if you keep at it. Fear of a given thing is a habit you can unlearn by writing another habit over the top of it. (Think of it as a kind of cognitive therapy.) Fear of writing can be overcome simply by writing little bits every day, until you start noticing it’s not so hard any more. Get jostled out of the habit by events? Remake the agreement you had with yourself to do this and start writing again. You’re allowed to say “Whoops, I screwed that up, let’s try that again” and go back to your routine, whatever it was.
And all this time, remember that audience? Screw them. This is for you. Once the confidence has piled up high enough that you no longer have to nerve yourself to keep at your writing, that’s time enough to be thinking about letting other people see what you’re doing, and what you want them to see. Nail down the art of writing for your own satisfaction before worrying about what people will think about it. (And even then, itll be healthy to remind yourself that your main business still isn’t giving a damn what they think. It’s your voice and your certainty about what you’re doing, acquired by doing it for yourself, that will draw readers in if they’re at all susceptible to being drawn.)
…If I sound really sure about this, it’s because this is how I got started. Under my belt, the day I sold my first novel, already rested a solid two decades of writing only for myself, without the slightest thought about other people ever seeing any of it. I’d say now that there’s no need for it to take other people intent on approaching this goal anything like that long. That long period of incubation (as it were) was just a function of my particular developmental speed, coupled with the realities of a world before social media, and the lack of any encouragement on the home front toward thinking of writing as something to do where others could see it.
That said – knowing that writing is a way to make yourself happy, and just going ahead and doing that, can be powerful stuff. (I wrote reams of Star Trek fanfic, by the way, years before knowing that there was even a name for what I was doing all by myself, or that others were doing it too. And if you’d told me that someday people would pay me money to write about Spock and Kirk and the Enterprise, I’d have told you—as a fledgling psychiatric nurse—that you needed your head felt. Yet look what happened.) 
So anyway. Just go write. In the writing itself (and dammitall, isn’t it always the way…) are the solutions to your difficulties.
Right now: screw the audience. And write. Just write.
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cottontail20 · 6 years
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For awhile, they walked through the streets. Vision's arm around Wanda, keeping her close. Wanda clutching the mildly crushed flowers. Not heading anywhere in particular, not needing to say much. Just enjoying being together again.
But despite how happy they were to be together again, how easy and good and right it felt.. There was a slight tension hanging in the air between them. It wasn't unpleasant, but it was there. A bubble waiting to burst. There were things they needed to talk about.
Wanda shifted, tilting her head to look up at him.
"You could have got in really big trouble, Vizh.."
"I took a calculated risk."
"Right up until you abandoned the plan and went inside The Raft."
"How did you.."
"Natasha told me about it" said Wanda. "She had that look she gets when she's annoyed and impressed at the same time.."
"Oh.." Vision chuckled, "Like when Sam programmed Redwing to pay for the Pizza?"
"Exactly like that. She said you were supposed to stay in the Jet and watch the security, so you weren't seen.."
"I had to go in. Nobody else could get the shock collar off you.." He brushed a finger over her neck, and Wanda felt the same pleasant shiver she'd begun experiencing before their forced separation. "It's healed quite well now, but at the time.." Vision's face suddenly looked rather haunted.
"Vizh, it's okay."
"I couldn't leave you like that.."
"You didn't. I'm here with you and all healed up, just like you said. Bun ca nou." Yes, she had probably been left with a few psychological scars from the experience, but he shouldn't have to worry about that.
They kept walking for a while before Vision spoke again, seeming almost nervous.
"Wanda.. Before.. before everything happened.. I couldn't help feeling that something was changing between us.."
Wanda sighed. She knew this conversation was going to come up soon.
"It was.."
"Maybe even into something.. something more than friendship?"
"You're not wrong, Vizh.. But things are so complicated now" She looked up at him sadly. "You're so special, Vision. You deserve more than a few stolen moments. You deserve better than having to run around and hide from the world. Right now, that's all I can give you. Maybe that's all I'll ever be able to give you.."
"Maybe stolen moments and hiding from the world are worth it, for the right person" Vision countered. "Isn't that my choice to make? You said that I make my own choices. What if I choose you?"
"Vizh.. I.."
They had come to a stop in front of an Ice Cream Parlour. Vision smiled.
"Wait. Before you answer, Wanda, let me buy you an ice cream. Then, I will tell you a story.."
"Well.." Wanda managed a smile. "I can't say no to ice cream."
Wanda sat in a booth across from Vision, taking a spoonful from her Strawberry Sundae.
"Okay, Vision. Tell me this poveste."
"It is about a choice I made, quite a long time ago." Vision began. "One I wasn't even sure I was making at the time, but I made it none the less."
Well, He certainly had Wanda curious.
"Go on."
"It started on the day I was born.."
"It's really quite confusing, blinking into existence with a fully formed mind and no real idea of who or what you are.. I was having a difficult time working it out."
"I am not Ultron. I'm not Jarvis either. I am.."
"I looked in your head, and saw annihilation.."
The newborn Vision felt an unpleasant jolt at her words.
"There was a girl.."
"Mmm" Wanda mumbled through another spoonful. "All the best stories have a girl."
"Well, there was a girl. And for some reason, it suddenly mattered very much what this girl thought of me."
"Yes, girls do tend to do that."
“She thought I was dangerous. I asked her to look again." He seemed uncertain at this point. "I think she did.."
"She did" Wanda confirmed, blushing slightly. Oh. And she was holding Vision's hand under the table. When had that happened?
"Unfortunately, there wasn't much more time for working things out before we had to go battle Ultron. Then Sokovia was falling.. So many frightened voices.."
Vision winced. With the stone in his head, he heard them all.. The panicked civilians being carted away in ships. The final cries of those beyond saving.
But there was one voice that Vision heard louder than all the rest. Afraid, grieving, and so alone. The girl who had been so sure he'd bring destruction.
He could also sense the last Ultron, limping its way to freedom. It needed to be destroyed. But.. He couldn't leave Her.
Ultron would have to wait. Vision took off, following the loudest of the voices in his head. Swooping and dodging the growing clouds of dust and debris, zooming into a crumbling train to sweep the very surprised girl, Wanda, into his arms. Carrying her to safety before turning his attention back to the final Ultron.
"So you see, Wanda.. it feels so long ago now.. Back then, I already chose you. Now I know so much more, and I still choose you. I think I will always choose you, if you'll let me..
"Oh.. Vision.."
Vision glanced across the table to see Wanda tearing up.
Vision was so panicked by this point that he didn't notice Wanda moving around to sit beside him, until she was grasping his face, her eyes locked on his.
"I don't want to forget it."
Then she kissed him.
And boy, Vision thought her touch gave him tingles, but her kiss.. Her kiss was fireworks. Wanda's lips were cold from the ice cream, but so soft, and beginning to warm against his. Shyly, he reached out to cup Wanda's cheek, gently returning her kiss.
When they broke apart, Vision had a clouded, sort of awestruck look on his face.
"Well.. Wow.."
As her own mind floated back to Earth, Wanda burst out laughing.
"Vizh.. Your nose..
"Hmm?" For a moment, Vision remained distracted, thinking that Wanda's laughter was one of the most wonderful sounds in the universe. But then.. "Oh!" He shook his head, clearing his mind to restore the illusion. "Better?"
"I don't know" Wanda gently teased. "I like your real nose."
For a moment, Vision's disguise turned a similar shade to his true face.
"So.. Stolen moments and hiding from the world?"
Wanda nodded, smiling softly.
"We'll make it work. But you really have to work on keeping that nose of yours disguised in public.."
"Maybe you can help me practice."
Of course. We'll start right now.." Wanda grinned, kissing him again.
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Mr. Mandalorian for the ask thingie, if you'd like!
I suppose I could be convinced. 😉
First impression
Oh, that actor from Game of Thrones is playing a bounty hunter in a Star Wars thing? That's pretty cool, I liked him in that. What' that? He's a cocky gunslinging badass with a ship that looks like Serenity? Yeah, sure, I'm on board, let's see where this goes.
Impression now
DIN MY BELOVED. My shiny, Beskar-clad space husband. I love you. Please eat some soup and take a nap. You've earned it. I'll even let you be the little spoon because you have Been Through It Lately.
Favorite moment
I could go with a lot of jokey ones ("Bad news. You can't live here anymore."/ "Wake me up if the door gets sucked off its rails. Just kidding. If that happened, we'd all be dead."), but it's 10000000% a moment in S2 that I can't talk about until you've seen it but it involves an enemy computer and a rescue mission and you'll know it when you see it.
Idea for a story
Other than the ones I've published or done text RP of for the last 6 months? lol.
I feel like there's a lot to unpack with his Mandalorian Creed. As much as it helped him, I think it's also done some real damage that we've started to see him begin to unpack, and I want more of that journey. How much does he really know about the origin of the Death Watch, or their (partially unwitting) role in the destruction of Mandalore? Man’s was basically raised by a cult. What does it mean that he's essentially shut himself off from other people for so long, when it's obvious he has a natural instinct for reaching out, protecting, and connecting with other people? Where does the end of S2 leave him with all of that? Why were the other Mandos at his home base such dicks, and can we see more of the Armorer? Hang on, this is getting away from me...
Unpopular opinion
I don't think it's an unpopular opinion, but certainly less common- I interpret Din as on the ace spectrum, maybe demi (although maybe I'm just biased and want more rep) or gray ace. We haven't seen him express an interest in anyone, other hints that he and Xi'an used to be a thing (even that may have been more on her part).
Favorite relationship
I mean, OF COURSE it's Din and Grogu. It's hard to pick a second though, I love his relationships with so many of the other characters. Maybe Cara, because I think she's the closest to a confidante he has (maybe a certain Togruta from S2 can fill that spot for him once Gina Carano is rightfully booted?).
Favorite headcanon
I can't say it's my favorite, but I could talk for days about Din being touchstarved. I won't, because it hurts, but it's an indisputable fact and it makes me so sad. So, here's a happier one: Din doesn't seem to interact much with the Mandalorians in his Covert, but I guarantee all the kids there love and climb all over him. He's quiet about it, but it makes him feel more like he belongs and he would do anything for those kids.
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Thank you for asking lovely friend! <3
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