#idk I think I'll bring it to my therapist in like 2 WEEKS and get her to read it so maybe it paints her a picture | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

potatopossums · 2 years

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there's a regular who shows up to my workplace every few weeks. I've found her aesthetically (and maybe a little bit sexually) attractive for a while now, but she doesn't come in super often, so i don't really know her that well and only had a conversation with her for the first time like 2 weeks ago.

i was interested in getting to know her better, so i thought it might be ok to ask if she would like to bring some friends and meet up w me and my friends at a local art fair.

i don't know if it's the late night anxiety talking or what, but i just don't want anything to do with the situation anymore. i feel overwhelmed and unsure. i tried to talk about the idea with a coworker and she was confused about why i didn't want to go on a one-on-one date with her. because i hardly know her. but that's how you can get to know people! but that's not how i get to know people. i know I'd just feel really uncomfortable on a date like that. that would be so much pressure.

and now i feel like nobody is going to want to get to know me as a friend and also be open to sexuality and sensuality if I'm not also interested in romance and it makes me feel too nervous to even think about the whole thing.

for once i just want to be excited about people. maybe have a chance to get to know them on my terms, at my pace, at my comfort. i don't want to go on a date, i don't want to insinuate a date.

told my therapist i was nervous about coming off as romantic, and i don't think she fully understands this. she said there's no way to know whether this girl would say yes or no. that wasn't really my issue, though. sure, i know i can't control how other people respond or react to me, meaning i can't control if they misunderstand my intentions. but it also kind of glosses over the fact that I'm afraid of even insinuating romantic shit.

the only reason I'd even want to insinuate any of that is because i just want to be noticed and appreciated. i want people to feel like friendship can be just as exciting and important as romance. i don't want my request of friendship to be considered "less than" or "disappointing" or "friend-zoning myself." i do not consider my desires and comfort flawed or "not strong enough," or even rooted in fear. i am so confused and speechless and unable to articulate myself when I try to talk to allos about this. i know people mean well, even my coworkers (i do not blame them for misunderstanding), but it is problematic how absolutely dumbfounding it is to many allos that you wouldn't want to go on a date with someone or be alone with someone you hardly know. such a situation would actually scare me; i would not be entertaining or engaging; i would not have anything to say, and it has nothing to do with me being afraid to talk about myself or ask for what i want. i only want to spend time with people my way, meaning "in a way that's comfortable for me," and i know what that looks like for me. i know what that process is for me. i know how long that takes for me. i can't ask her to hang out with me outside of work because i do not know her and i don't want to hang out with someone i don't know. that makes me so nervous and so uncomfortable, i don't care who they are or what kind of attraction i might have toward them. no thanks.

so yeah idk. when she asks what i do for a living, I'll be sure to impress her by telling her i write about the toxicity and ridiculousness of romance. because that's really what this all feels like.

#aromantic #queer #alterous #personal #agender #friendship #making friends #fwb #queerplatonic

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quiet-confessions · 6 months

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I was so sure that I had ADHD or ADD, potentially combined with ASD but after seeing the psychologist and going through testing my diagnosis/suspected diagnosis is- Major depressive disorder (severe, recurrent) and generalized anxiety disorder, both of which were already diagnosed Schizoaffective disorder, Bipolar type 1, and Anxiety. The last few days have now have been.... really difficult for me. He talked to me about psychosis, paranoia, melancholic disposition, my hyper-dependence, and I asked about Bipolar since it runs in my family I was not expecting schizoaffective disorder to be on that list and it really scared me to read it. I have a lot of internalized ableism I supposed about reading a schizo-spec diagnosis, immediately I felt the impulsive thoughts come on, I was scared of how my partner would react, and my close friends, my family

My aunt has Bipolar type 2 and I talked to her to ask her about what she experiences, but she also told me a bit about what runs in our family. Bipolar, anxiety, major depressive disorder, schizophrenia... even my own brother has gone to the hospital due to his hallucinations.

I've had hallucinations but I don't know, I guess part of me brushed it off thinking they were normal, and that everyone gets those. Now I'm reading more and more about delusions and I'm understanding more about myself, but also angry? I'm mad that I never got help, especially before getting like this. I have so much I need to learn, so much to unlearn, I'm likely going to need to change medications and that scares me- I already hate taking medications and I don't want to have to take a lot, but maybe it would really help...

The psychologist also wrote a bit how I wasn't displaying symptoms or that I didn't mention certain things, but I wasn't asked DIRECTLY so I didn't bring them up, partially still for the above. I was also masking hard, which has been a learned and forced behavior, especially when I'm in public and trying to focus or absorb info or perform well. I mentioned echolalia and he wrote it off because I didn't do it in the meetings we had, but I'm 24, not under 12. I've learned self restraint and can do it better than a child can. That aspect feels a bit unfair to me, but now I'm questioning everything about myself, my brain, my actions

How much of what I thought was undiagnosed ADHD or ASD what actually undiagnosed schizoaffective disorder and bipolar. How much better would I have performed in school? Would I have wanted to kill myself, or almost tried, in highschool? Would I be less obese bc of my poor coping mechanisms I didn't understand I was doing? Would I have more friends, would I have less trauma from past friendships bc of being able to recognize abuse better? I'm angry.

I want better for past me but I'm also so scared for what's in store for future me. I feel better have a label and a reason, but I'm scared of the label and have to get past that, I'm afraid of how others will see me, I'm having the 'the world is against you and your friends will hate you' thoughts, I'm having the imposter syndrome thoughts, but idk idk idk

I'll use this blog again to vent and write out my feelings. Maybe that will help me, and maybe writing will help me explain my feelings to my therapist when I see her in 2 weeks.

If anyone ends up reading this and is willing to comment advice, reassurance, their own experiences etc, feel free I think I'm feeling alone and confused right now, and definitely overwhelmed

#schizoaffective disorder #bipolar depression #bipolar disorder #schizoaffective #mental illness #depression #major depressive disorder

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ecoamerica · 21 days

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peenybobini · 7 months

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It's 12:52 am on October 13th, 2023.

I'm in bed preparing to go to sleep next to my mom. I broke my ankle a month ago, 3 weeks into starting my own business. I'm feeling good today. My boyfriend quit his job? Lost his job? I think more quit suddenly today, but I'm honestly feeling okay about it. Hoping that he's able to find what he needs to get out of life and praying this pushes some motivation into him!! Love him, he's been very supportive of everything going on lately and I'm appreciative of that. Learning the hard way not to rely on him for everything. My thoughts are jumbled but I'm sure I'll know what I mean. I've been feeling the urge to write again so I figured now is as good a time as any. My dad said an interesting thing today- "As long as you're a giver, the takers will find you." It wasn't in reference to me, and in fact was a reference to many other relationships in our family dynamic. Its hard being back home and seeing first hand how much everyone in their life takes advantage of them. I refuse to let that be me. Im going to find success and help them one day somehow, even though it will pale in comparison to the support they've provided for me through all of the hardships I've experienced.

Anyways, all of that's in the past now. Idk if I'll ever return, but if I do I'm going to try to keep track of the things that happen each day that bring me joy and make me happy, just like I used to do when I had the idea a while ago when I was paying someone to therapist myself lol.

1. Good day at work, easy, quiet, quick appointments. Have made okay money so far this month!

2. Dylan coming over to watch survivor. I love that the longer we're together the more ways I figure out how to make him laugh, the best feeling.

3. Star Guardian Syndra became available in the hextech shop and I snatched that shit up immediately.

4. Had fun going to 5 below and making some silly purchases (Kermit tee for me, herbilogy tee for Dyl, phone charm that is too small but also too bulky to use for work lol)

5. Upgrading to the 15 as soon as it arrives in the mail, ended up being only $5, told my parents I'd pay but they're not into that.

6. Rewatched jujutsu kaisen 0 with my dad, he got invested and was asking me questions and wanted to know what was going on, especially when I then watched the newly released episode he was totally lost. I like having good moments with just him.

7. Ate Indian food for the first time in weeks. Aloo curry. Fucking delicious.

8. Dylan putting my cardigan on me and smoking a bowl out of a pipe with me on the porch and having a good conversation even though he was stressed beyond belief. We're good for each other. I love him

#journalthings

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notaboynotagirljustalilbaby · 8 months

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Im.. not quite nonverbal rn, but it feels like talking just isn't an option? I've felt like this since I woke up and I HAVE spoken to the cat and to my mom, and I drove to the [public transit] station just fine but with the voice thing and feeling a bit floaty and being... not quite small last night, but kind of nearish it at points(?) last night.. idk.

Just feel weird, and I regressed after a bad dream on Sunday and my regression tends to be.. clustered? In a sense? Like I'm more likely to regress if I have recently.

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I was texting my friend, [i can't find a tag for him but I've referred to him as 'penpal friend' before so ig I'll use that and edit/update later if i find that hes labeled as something else on here], when I regressed on Sunday and we set up a code a few months ago to let him know if I was small/smallish because cursing makes me really uncomfortable when I'm small (makes me feel bad-vulnurable, unsafe, just overall yucky), but I literally could not care less about it when I'm big abs regularly curse myself. All that to say that I sent the code (code bc saying it can be hard sometimes and also it doesn't have to be part of the conversation, I just.. need it to shape the conversation a bit, yk?) and he acknowledged the code and we kept chatting.. and then he cursed in one of his messages and I was feeling a bit bigger by then but it still felt a bit 'wrong' and he didn't know I was getting bigger so if nothing else.. the principle of it felt a bit like a betrayal, in a sense?

I brought it up to him the next day when I was firmly adult and brainstormed some ways to hopefully stop it from happening again. And he apologized and hadn't even realized he'd done it (partially bc he was sick at the time) - and I knew he wouldn't have done it on purpose and probably hadn't realized (but that doesn't mean I should let a boundary get crossed without bringing it up once I'm able)... and part of all of this was me realizing that we had a way of communicating when I'm small but nothing to say when I was big again. So now the single emoji I was using to indicate being regressed (🐤) has officially expanded to a spectrum, with any of these 🥚🐣🐥🐤 meaning I'm small or close to it (specific, detailed meanings haven't been assigned to each, but the eggs are basically me going 'hey I'm real teeny rn' and the chicks are a more general little/ish).. and probably most importantly, 🐓 to indicate once I'm confidently big again.

I haven't had cause to use any of them, but I considered it last night when I was feeling pretty close to small - except I realized that we weren't even texting right then, and it's not like the goal is to tell him every time I feel little, the goal is so he knows -when we ARE talking- that he's talking to a kid!

And I think it's important for me to remember that, especially when I am little. It's one thing if I'm little AND decide I want to talk to him, but there's no reason to tell him I'm small just cause. It's important I remember that he's not my caregiver, just a friend who is willing to accommodate me when I'm vulnerable.

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Also, while I'm here, I don't know if I mentioned it, but I finally told my therapist I regress! That happened.. probably 2 months ago or something, now? But it's a big step for me because I've never told a therapist before.. or really anyone who I wasn't really close to.* I've been seeing this therapist for awhile now (over a year), but we only meet every 3-4 weeks, so it doesn't always feel like it. Anyway, he was chill about it, and asked what age.. and I was embarrassed so I told him like, young toddler, I think? 2 or 3, probably, idr exactly. Which, it's not untrue, but I definitely get firmly 'baby' fairly often when I regress. Probably more often than toddler/young kid. Maybe I'll open up about it more at some point (it hasn't come up in a session since), but either way, I'm proud of myself for taking that first step!

*with maybe a few exceptions? Like, I wasn't necessarily super duper close with Roommates R and Red when they were told, but I was close with Roommate D and they were all close at the time and Roommate D knew it'd be safe to tell them bc they both regressed too... idr now what order who found out about who, or if I ever knew, but there was trust there, still.

Also I wouldn't have told Roommates B, C, and D as early as I did, if at all, if Roommate D hadn't asked me directly. I probably would've told Roommate B, at least, eventually though - especially when we decided to keep living together for a second (and later, third) year.

#penpal friend #roommate b #roommate c #roommate d #roommate r #roommate red #(all but penpal friend are just mentions but still)

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ladyaceofspades · 3 years

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Absolutely nearing my breaking point. He really expects me to be wife, mother, maid, house manager, task manager, laundry woman, alarm clock, waitress, chore person/chore reminder (for him), therapist for his emotional labor, and go buy groceries while he gets to sleep in, demand things from me, play video games, pick where to order from with no consideration to my health, feeds to hamster (which I have to double check because he'll forget to give her water or food), sit on his phone, listen to music really fucking loud with no regards to our neighbors or where he is in the apartment (ex: bathroom), and demand that because he did one very small thing, I have to shower him with love and praise. I'm at my fucking limit.

I haven't had time to do ANY hobbies or things that would recharge my mental health because I've been trying to do all the chores since he won't do them or he'll take forever to do them like the trash or his laundry. I won't help him and I've told him I won't help him but he keeps asking that I hold the bag while he puts trash in, or hold the bag for the laundry (both things I can do myself). I have been running on a low battery for weeks because I'm so exhausted I can't even bring myself to do more than laundry, all I wanna do is sleep the entire weekend because maybe I'll feel better then or stare at my phone. I've been taking selfies to make me feel better but i can still see how tired I am. I just don't want to feel like I'm holding the weight of our relationship and home life anymore, and it pisses me off when he claims he's the backbone of everything. I don't demand that I get love or praise for doing basic household things that benefit both of us, but I do ask that he helps so even if he's saying he demands "love and affection for the rest of the day because of _____" jokingly (although he says a lot of things "jokingly"), it makes me angry and exhausts me more.

I'm tired. I want to recharge. I want to spend the time doing things for me, not feeling like I have to get him whatever he wants, on his time. I haven't finished unpacking yet, but part of me is asking "should I even bother? Should I leave? Cut my losses and live my own life?" But then I'd traumatize him further and idk I can't do that.

My therapist has finally said that maybe we should get our own apartments because this is very much an ongoing problem and tbh it sounds really good but we'd have to move out of our neighborhood because I can't afford anything here on my own. She also mentioned that maybe we should get a maid and my husband pay for it since he's the one who won't try to help, and he has most of the money.

Which brings me to a different problem. Since he has less bills than I do (new car, streaming services, nickle-and-dimed for benefits at work so my check is consistently 300-400 less than what I actually make), he was able to start putting money aside for "us". It generally is about $500, but when I have weeks we're I can't afford to buy myself some lunch, or need to go grocery shopping, or need to buy essentials for myself, he has said no before (rarely but it has happened). Now, with my very limited budget, I have to find a way to save up money, which doesn't work when I need the $20 I put aside every 2 weeks to cover a bill I can't pay.

I sent him some videos on weaponized incompetence from tiktok, because that's exactly what is going on. He's also got codependency issues, as do I: a video rocked my world today and pointed out that you can be codependent on broken men and trying to fix them...which I think I did here...fuck. I'm nearing my breaking point, I want to chuck my phone and my keys, get in my car and just drive as far away as possible.

#me #please tell me other married people feel this #please tell me it isnt just me

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aquarianlights · 3 years

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I am in a serious financial bind. 😥 If anyone is in a position to listen & help or signal boost, pls keep reading...

This is from my apartment complex. I am in low-income housing. I called them & sent them proof I could pay on the 23rd. I told them I could (just barely) put 100 down now & they said that was too little.

They said they would file for eviction on the 16th, which adds $150 to my rent. They will cancel the court date and eviction on the 23rd when I pay.

But that doesn't cancel the $150 filing fee.

Idk where that $150 would come from. Idky they think it's fair that someone who cannot pay should be forced to pay even more??? That makes no sense. I can only just barely afford my rent every month as is.

These are from my energy company. I apparently owe them over $600. I genuinely do not know how this happened. We were on the phone for a very long time trying to figure it out & I was in tears for the latter portion of it because I swear I paid.

I usually keep record of my payments via taking a picture of my receipt since they are electronic, but my dog chewed up my phone (which I have pics of if need be for evidence) and broke it, so I had to get a replacement phone sent to me from the insurance company & nothing transferred from the old phone, so all my pics were wiped.

I found no record in my emails, either.

The meds I am taking to try to go into remission and the autoimmune disease itself both cause brain fog and issues with time warping, so it is possible maybe I skipped a month or something, but I highly doubt I would have skipped up to 600+ dollars worth of payments.

I have tons of electronic and hard copy calendars & they are all synced and constantly updated so that I know when payments are due. I also have text and email reminders sent to me, but I could find no reminders in my email for MONTHS now until they were telling me they were going to shut my power off if I didn't pay this. Idk why I was not sent reminders for months???

In the end, I agreed to set up a payment plan. Paying, like... 50-60ish on top of whatever my electric bill is every month for 12 months. It was the lowest they could go.

I can barely afford my electric bill as it is, so idk how I will be able to do this? They did give me a list of charities in my area so I will be using what little energy I have to call around & see if any of them would be willing to help me pay this. Idk how those work (they're mostly churches???), so I'm just gonna try & see what happens. 🤔

On top of all that, I *think* this is telling me my Medicaid has been cancelled but I'm not 100% sure?????

I'm going through treatment for a very serious, disabling problem that should last ~1 year and rn Medicaid is picking up what my Medicare doesn't cover and some of my doctors/specialists and treatments are medicaid only.

If I lose this, I'm basically done.

I know they'll do backpay if I get it back, but Idk if I *will* get it back. I'll be trying to get it back, but in the meantime, I guess I'll just have to pay out of pocket, idk??? Which I do not have.

I have lost almost ALL autonomy due to this autoimmune disease, which (in a very simplified form) is basically my immune cells "eating" my muscle tissue. I can barely get out of bed. Treatment should put me in remission & give me my life back. I am seeing a rheumatologist, neurologist, dermatologist, PCP, physical therapist, psychiatrist, psychologist, and going to a holistic pain treatment center that does a different kind of physical therapy to bring down pain levels (which I was put into that program by my rheum). All of these are in relation to & necessary for my disease. I am going through TONS of testing almost weekly now & trying out treatments like IVIG and chemo where I am in the hospital hooked up to an IV for 4-6+ hrs of that day and the cost of those things without Medicaid picking up what Medicare doesn't cover is astronomical. I have to sign waivers every time I get my blood drawn (which is almost weekly now), do tests, and do treatments saying I will pay if Medicaid does not pick up the extra.

I already have crippling medical debt; I don't need more. I'm scared they won't let me do any more tests or treatments if they see I am just letting it all go to collections & am not paying.

This could mean the difference between having a life worth living (to me) where I am happy & thriving & autonomous or being bed-bound & living a life of just existing from day to day & miserable & in pain & suffering & unable to do anything for myself. This is literally life and death for me because I wouldn't be able to handle continuing to live in the latter scenario. I cannot handle living like I am now. Knowing my treatments are progressing is what keeps me going. Knowing I can go into remission is what keeps me going. Knowing my future is one completely different from now is what keeps me going. But if I cannot have that and am destined to live in this current state, it's just not worth it. I don't know a person alive who would want to live like this.

Finally, my anger noodle needs to get to the vet for MULTIPLE things. Nothing is, like... life threatening or super immediate like his cancer was last year, but they're things that need to be addressed in terms of preventative care & to make sure he isn't in pain.

He needs his trachea checked, possibly x-rays for that, maybe more...

He needs some medication updates, needs a physical, needs a full groom & nail clip under anesthesia (for those who are not familiar with Echo, he has extreme fear-based aggression & usually gets this done under anesthesia; since I worked with him so much, he had his first non-anesthesia nail clip at the beginning of quarantine, but he has gotten worse during quarantine & with my muscle eating disease, I can no longer restrain him & don't have the physical strength to run a brush through his thicker fur as his winter coat is in, so I can no longer groom certain areas of him at home, so his tummy & back legs are matted & I fear he may need to be shaved... which breaks my heart since you don't shave double coat dogs unless medically necessary.), he needs a full physical, & needs to be checked over for MCT's.

He may also need a fecal test or something else, as he has been having odd bowel movements. 😥 His tummy has been upset lately.

I have been crying myself to sleep every single night & often during the day because I cannot get him to the vet. No, it isn't urgent or life threatening. But he is reverse sneezing more than normal & I worry about tracheal collapse, which is a common small dog thing & even MORE common in pomeranians specifically. Every time he has a fit, I think "Oh god, this is it. This is the time I'm gonna have to rush him to the e-vet & get slammed with a huge bill & he is not gonna be okay..."

It breaks my heart to see his legs & belly matted. He is horrible about letting me groom him coz of his aggression so he only gets a full grooms at the vet, but I do short grooming sessions at home with him nightly. Takes about 2 hours just to do the majority of one side of him (not even all of it; just most) coz he needs breaks & lots of praise every few strokes or he will tear me to shreds & hurt himself snapping on the undercoat rake. 😥

But now that my autoimmune disease has atrophied my muscles to the point holding up my phone without something to prop it up feels like I am lifting weights & tires my arms out with a lactic acid burn & pain, I can no longer groom him with the patience he needs & can only groom in 20 minute intervals at the VERY longest. By the time I have gotten one leg done during the week, his entire other side is matted. 😞 Matting on dogs---especially double coat dogs---hurts them. It's like if someone were to wrap your hair around their fingers & then pull it taut. It's a constant pulling pressure on their skin... it's painful & irritates the epidermis. I feel miserable feeling the matting on his back legs & tummy & now feeling the mats beginning to form on the rest of him. He hates me working them out, even with the detangling spray. I know it must hurt so much...

So he may need to be shaved at this point & that will destroy me. I feel sick thinking about it. But anything to get him out of pain. Maybe it is what's best for him while I go through this year of treatment & get my muscles back. But in order to do that, I need to get him to the vet.

The stress of not being able to get him to a vet is tearing me apart & literally making me physically ill.

He is my world. My everything. My #1. My heart dog. My priority in life. My entire universe revolves around him. I would do anything for him. Not a single person, animal, thing, etc, comes before him. It is KILLING me that I cannot provide proper care for him right now. I always always always make sure to sacrifice for him if need be & his things ALWAYS come first, even if it means I'm not eating or not paying bills or whatever. As long as he is taken care of & his needs & wants are met, nothing else matters to me. And right now........ I feel he is suffering because of my finances & the fact my treatment with building my muscles up is not going fast enough.

I cannot control the latter one, but the first one is something I can at least ask for help for. So that is what I am doing.

If anyone is in a place to help, these are my venmo & cashapp codes. I also have paypal.

💙 Venmo: @kqroswell

💚 Cashapp: $kqroswell

💜 Paypal: @kqroswell or [email protected]

If there is another form of payment you're thinking of, lemme know. I also have fb pay activated if you have me on FB (Killian Q Roswell).

Thank you to everyone who read through this & anyone who can help or reblog this. 💖

Sincerely,

Your v scared, struggling transman who really wants his bills/rent paid & his dog to go to the vet,

Killian 💞

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urlocalvampboi · 4 years

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So I'm being forced to go back to my mom's house (I moved with her in July due to a relative being so bad medically that I couldn't be around him for too long and it was taxing, but I came down to spend time with family, and was supposed to go back August 1st, that didn't happen because my mom wanted to go visit her husband who's in Utah for work do I was supposed to be down for 2 more weeks, well... she told my stepmom, who has a lot of shit going on in her life, a part time job, 3 kids to manage, her dad isn't doing too well, and she has a busy life, while my mom was still on leave and had basically nothing to do, that she could bring me back, and I opted to stay because my stepmom's life hadn't gone on pause like hers had...) I was supposed to go back in a week's time but she told me I was coming back up today, and that I had no say, for reference, I am 18, but she doesn't see it that way... now normally I talk big, but in reality, I am not the same big talker... I can only call out people on their bullshit when I'm drunk or extremely angry, and cannot properly convey my thoughts in a concise manner and I tend to internalize it, but I can't argue with someone if I consider them an authority figure, I try, but the words don't come out of my mouth, anyways, when I lived with my dad, whenever my mom would come into town, I'd get apprehensive and anxiety ridden, and I would get uncomfortable with her not being near me if I knew she was in town, but if I was with her I'd internally panic, and now that I'm going up to her house again, I am panicking heavily, crying my eyes out (to the point I've physically ran out of tears for the moment, my emotions are out of control when it comes to thinking about things, but I'm calm when I'm reacting to external things. I really needed to vent because idk how to explain this to my sister, and my best friend is offline, and I don't talk to my therapist until Tuesday so yeah... I'll update y'all if I remember to

#vent #vent tw #anxiety tw #panic attack #panic attack tw

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