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sanchoyo · 3 years

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danny phantom episode 4-7 Thoughts: (under a readmore because, these got kinda long!)

-the outfit danny had to buy for dash's party. CLASSIC 2000S i cannot stop laughing. And also showing up to the party and everyone is dressed like the trio is hilarious. and further proof that everyone looks good dressed goth.

-dash has a closet full of cute lil bear plushies?? LOVE that. adorable. also his response to danny trashing his room fighting a ghost was SO valid if somone BROKE MY BED IN HALF ID BE PISSED TOO.

-technus being like 'oh smart, u should be a tutor!' then later being like 'forget tutor, be a teacher!' :) supportive king <3 I also really like his upgraded suit/design. AND SPOCK CAMEO??? HELLO??

-the music in this show is super. its so funky. I looked it up and the guy who does it, guy moon (awesome name) also did music for other cartoons like fairly odd parents, barnyard, chalkzone, billy & mandy, AND some actual movies like FIGHT CLUB??? the whiplash I got from reading that)

-sam being rich explains a lot about her, actually.

-I know the moral of the episode was supposed to be 'dont ditch your friends for popular people/spend a lot of money on clothes that arent You to Fit In'. but tbh. it wouldve been easy for danny to have been like 'well, okay, ill come but only if my friends can!' but I get. that hes 14. so. not a lot to say there.

-BOX GHOST IS BACK!!!!! also, danny sitting up and wearing the dress/wig/makeup. umm thats how I dress everyday LMFAO. unironically me. (hate the jokes that boil down to 'haha funney man in dress' tho. but this is a look)

-jazz being protective of her brother once again being like NOOO YOU GUYS BETTER NOT STAKE OUT HIS (actually haunted) LOCKER!! shes aware of how people perceive him and she wants to help :( which is also probably why she told dash to invite him to that party even tho she had no interest in going!! she wants to help him out :(

-gotta say im with tucker on the whole 'should danny use his powers to get back at bullies' debate. 100% yes. let him teach kids to fight back. making dash throw his food at paulina out of the blue? no. but when hes actually about to pick on someone? yeah! for self defense? YEAH! if dash and his friends just threw food at him, I think rather than. idk doing sneaky shit with frogs he couldve just threw it back and not pulled punches if they tried to fight. I kNOOWWW its a kids show so they are like 'if u fight back ur just as bad!! violence bad!!' but. theyre HIS POWERS. WHO CARES.

-like my only gripe is that dash really isnt LEARNING ANYTHING WHEN DANNY GETS BACK AT HIM IN THE MOST PETTY INDIRECT WAYS. whatever they had to add a bully psa episode I guess. I hate it and I hate the way cartoons usually handle it because these methods simply Do Not Work. 'aND YouRE USinG YOur poWErs FOR EVill???!' this is Not Evil. even when poindexter takes dannys body, theyre only being 'nice' bc hes stealing soda for them!! bitches deserve what they get (nothing too brutal bc theyre high schoolers but damn, if they pick on danny he doesnt need to be the 'bigger person' he needs to start biting people)

-SAM TRYING TO SMUGGLE FROGS OUT OF THE BIO LAB?? girl in middle school when we had to dissect frogs we could opt out, also, they came to us already dead and preserved...

-sidney's lingo and the fact hes in black and white is sending me. also, danny is a ghost celebrity apparently for being a halfa?? ok. thats interesting to know

-the DENTIST BEING EXCITED ABOUT THE COTTON CANDY FLOOD IS THE FUNNIEST THING SO FAR.

-I LOOOVE the trope of 'wishes gone wrong'. not crazy about the stereotypical genie, or the use of the dreamcatcher looking design. (also, I KNOW theyre scientists but the way theyre handling a cold...are the fentons ANTIVAX)

-the genie. she. whitewished paulina. JKASDFHKJ. (the ghost literally just being hello kitty???? im dying) 'why do i feel that im special and wonderful? because I AM! <3' paulina ilu self worth queen. felt bad for her also getting possessed by (2) boys later who were arguing INSIDE HER. WTF.

-imagine being the guy trapped in his now flying car. he thought danny and tucker were HALUCINATIONS. imagine being trapped in a flying car with two, what you think are imaginary arguing 14 year olds convinced ur gonna die. i WOULD say this dude is gonna need so much therapy, but he seemed totally fine and excited when they landed (I would be happy too if a chicken was on my head. chickens rule) stoner rights

-sam's bat slippers??? iconic. SO cute.

-I think desiree's backstory is so :( do all ghosts have messed up sad backstories?? poindexter's was sad too...cannot imagine box ghost has any kind of fucked up backstory. but what if. his mom got pushed off cliffs by boxes...........a la cruella... anyway her 'no man may lay a hand on me' iconic. ilu

-I know danny has no concept of how much bras cost but my god dont attack tucker with some girls bra. those are so expensive.

-its really. well its not a GOOD THING he went into the portal and got fucked up, but its good danny was the one to do it rather than sam or tucker. because even tho he was being influenced by desiree and kept getting more malicious and it prob wasnt 100% him...he sucked as a ghost like most the people he 'pranked' were innocent ppl just Chillin and he didnt want to help anyone at all. I think danny is the most responsible out of them but also, hes 14 and shouldnt HAVE to feel obligated to fight every ghost. hes a good kid and wants to, but I also feel like he feels like...responsible for the portal turning on?? because his parents did give it up,, but it was an accident and not his fault (if anything, why was the on switch on the inside. why was it that easy. why was there no safety measures. that seems like smth OSHA needs to hear about). like thats my son. hes a good boy. and hes never done anything wrong in his life, ever. if anyone hurts him im killing everyone in this room and then myself. etc.

-danny's curfew is 10PM????? DUDE. when I was 14...shit I couldn't be out that late, I had to be back at like, 8 at the latest, and my parents had to know exactly where and who I was going with, AND i had to call/text them regularly...is this a case of my parents being overbearing, or the fentons sucking??? the only time i could EVER be out that late was if I was at an overnight sleepover or smth...

-the vultures have lil fezes. why do they have fezes...theyre so fuckin funny 'ask him for directions' 'I KNOW WHERE IM GOING' these ghost vultures are my new grandpas. pick them up, put them in the adopt box.

-'I wonder why those guys were trying to waste dad!' THEYRE GHOSTS. YOUR DAD HUNTS GHOSTS. why is that not a conclusion you'd immediately jump to??

-*jazz voice, clearly disgusted* WISCONSIN???

-mrs fenton with the lab coat and leg warmers and PERM. YESSS STYLISH.

-was going to say 'ew billionaire' @vlad but. super valid he used his powers to assumedly steal and cheat to get that money, thats how all billionaires do it! but ew hes a SIMP. and spending your billions on FOOTBALL STUFF?? you are Not Valid overall. I DO respect the fact you have a castle instead of a mansion. in wisconsin. if youre going to be stupidly rich might as well go all out, torches on the wall and all. I DO like his ghost form's little kitty ears. catman. and his cape! every design can benefit from a cape. and how different his forms look, like danny looks the EXACT SAME IN BOTH FORMS ASIDE FROM COLOR CHANGES. vlad's is like,, I could believe they were different people!! also I love the drama. but dude you are fighting a 14 year old. lame. also he was like, telling danny he wanted his mom and him and like, wanted him to renounce his dad?? WHAT ABOUT JAZZ?? bitch. those r MY kids and they are both important and special. I do agree they need better parents but thats not u sir <3

-I thought vlad's 'little badger' nickname for danny came from the football mascot of the packers, but google says they have NO MASCOT?? so now I'm like?? is it because his hair is sometimes black and sometimes white?? I hate to give him props but thats a PERFECT NICKNAME. theyre also tiny and vicious!

-why did I get so excited that Skulker is back!! its been like. 2-3 eps LMAO. AND THE DAIRY KING. ICONIC I LOVE HIM. hes the nicest guy ever :) more nice ghosts please. danny cannot be fighting alone everytime with no ghost buds like every ghost being hostile sucks :(

-mr. fenton knew vlad was controlling him, but a few episodes ago he had no clue danny was doing the same thing...is it something about how malicious the ghost is?? he just seemed to think his memory had gaps the first time, this time he was INSTANTLY LIKE 'GHOST'. then again in this ep when danny did it again he was just slightly confused but not immediately freaking out like he did with vlad possessing him!!

-'my parents will accept ME NO MATTER WHAT' so. so why haven't you come out to them yet, danny?? if you really think that?? if theres no harm, and you're sure??? if vlad is a real problem, wouldnt that make dealing with him easier, to expose him???? SO WHY HAVENT YOU COME OUT YET?? COULD IT BE,, MAYBE YOU HAVE DOUBTS ABOUT WHETHER YOUR PARENTS ACTUALLY WILL ACCEPT YOU??? 🤔 ... 🏳‍🌈 I get why people say He Is Trans. I totally totally get u danny.

-sorta unrelated, but it just occurred to me in one of these eps they go to casper HIGH not casper middle school??? theyre 14?? dont highschools usually do ages 15-18? (I didnt go to hs so I might be wrong, if I am ignore this...) freshmen are usually 14-15, could just be a case of them not turning 15 yet but they will sometime in the school year (I say they because tucker said he was 14 too)? I know the show has 3 seasons, so by the end of it will they be older? thatd be neat but usually cartoon characters stay the same age...I love shows where you can see the characters age and grow up, though...three seasons seems like a long time to spend on like, 1 year...

#sanchoyorambles #danny phantom #me on the first post:#its not a liveblog!#me this time: it kinda is. but not in the same format as my tmm one #i like doing one post for a handful of eps bc it saves time #and crowds my blog less #and also i just like talking abt what im watching lol #dp thoughts

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cassyapper · 3 years

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loving you may mean losing you but i dont mind (jotakak playlist)

dont talk to me about the title of this thing im embarrassed enough

anyway but okay so!!!! very excited to share this!!!! this has been in the works since september but my picky ass finally found an adequate amount of songs so here it is!!!!!! my jotakak playlist (:

special thanks to my lovely and wonderful friend jade for helping me finish this this thing <3

track list nd why i picked the songs that i did under the break!

1. the predatory wasp of the palisades is out to get us! by sufjan stevens i chose this song because it’s all about internalized homophobia and being in love with your best friend as a kid which RLLY resonates w jotakak imo. esp cause in the song, stevens’ friend ends up leaving abruptly, leaving stevens to wonder about what couldve blossomed if they had stuck together and worked through the difficulties together, which JOTARO....THAT IS JOTARO-CORE esp cause kak also “leaves” (dies). so this song was a v obvious choice for me and in fact this song is what inspired me to create this playlist in the first place

2. we are beautiful, we are doomed by los campesinos! this song is abt being in love with someone but you both have ur issues so it’s kind of a mess. considering jotaro and kakyoin’s (to point it quite frankly) trauma and the fact that both of them do jack shit to try and cope with it healthily, this song DEFINITELY fits them. esp cause this song mentions physical fighting and the imagery that goes with it (”he got his teeth fixed/im gonna break them”, “i’ve got a fist on fire”, etc) and the entirety of the bridge/last verse rlly gives me these two’s vibes so! ya (:

3. love love love by of monsters and men this song is the singer feeling like shes completely unworthy of being loved by this important person in her life, particularly because she has NO idea how to show affection and love the (for lack of better word) “acceptable” way, or any way at all really. this REALLY has jotaro vibes cause he is one repressed motherfucker and as we see the entirety of his story, jotaro is full of love he loves so much it’s just he has no idea how to properly express it cause he’s scared essentially. but that didn’t stop people from loving him, in this case, that being kakyoin. hhhhHHh

4. ribs by lorde this song is about being scared of growing up but due to the lyrics being written the way they are, i kinda spin the interpretation of it to be the fear jotaro and kakyoin had on the crusade to egypt, as they were the youngest and didnt know if they’d make it back and everything is just incredibly overwhelming there is so much going on all the time those 50 days. i can do a full analysis on why but that would be kinda long LMAO. for now let’s leave it at they have a very Unique fear of growing up but it still fits with the lyrics. particularly the last bit of the song with the “youre the only friend i need” verses,,,makes me think of these two...

5. can i call you tonight? by dayglow i interpret this song to be about trying to figure out what, exactly, your feelings are for this very specific and important person in your life. since jotaro and kakyoin r both repressed and also suckers of internalized homophobia, i think they fit that theme very well. particularly with the whole “i feel like we’re close, but maybe we’re not actually? what are we?” theme going on in the lyrics, this whole song makes me think of jotaro and kakyoin figuring out their intense and sudden (cause again only 50 days but also, those 50 days had So Much going on) feelings for each other. also the “now i’m no longer alone” line in the chorus HHHHHHH that’s them

6. la la la love song by toshinobu kubota ft naomi campbell SO I KNOW THIS SONG IS KINDA JUST FLUFF but we need some light-hearted moments in this thing hjgg;. ALSO toshinobu kubota is canonically jotaro’s favorite musician so i wanted to reference that and this was my fav love song of his that i’ve found so far so (: also the “you are my shining star” line,,,heh

7. truce by twenty one pilots so this song is very soft. it’s about tending to wounds and taking a moment before continuing to push on. it makes me think abt jotaro and kakyoin taking care of each other on the journey (for example the lovers arc/n’doul fight). also the whole “stay alive, stay alive for me/you will die, but now your life is free/take pride in what is sure to die” makes me go fucking nuts that is. that fits these two to a T fuck

8. this side of paradise by coyote theory this song has big “two lonely people are in love with each other for the first time” vibes and OHHHHHHHHHH THAT’S JOTAKAK.... there are a lot of little lines that make me specifically think abt these two, such as “love so strong it makes me feel weak” (jotaro-core...), “if you’re lonely come be lonely with me”, “i’ll be yours if you’ll be mine” (wanting some security while ur in love for the first time is common but especially for these two i think it works spectacularly) but yea this song as a whole is just...ohhh them. theyre in lvoe HK;FNJFL

9. i saw you in a dream by the japanese house EVERY. SINGLE. LINE. OF THIS SONG IS POST-EGYPT JOTARO. EVERY SINGLE LINE. and the ghost the singer talks about seeing? they hadnt changed at all? they were such a pretty vision, a perfect hallucination? BRUH... just listen i could do a whole analysis on this song it all just fits jotaro mourning kakyoin throughout the years so so so so well it makes me feel nuts holy shit i just. literally every line. every line fits i am not joking. i cried when i first heard this song LMAO

10. video games by the young professionals SO LMAO obviously kakyoin’s epic gamer moves are being referenced but beyond that i interpret this song to just be the fun parts of being in love esp when ur young (backed up with the “kissing in the blue dark” and the “watching all our friends fall” lines). also the chorus just makes me want to cry cause just, happy jotakak moments PLEASE. “the world was built for two only worth living if somebody is loving you, and baby now you do” THEYRE NOT ALONE ANYMORE THEY FOUDN EACH OTHER IM GONAN WAILLLLLLL oh my god. im nuts theynkjNJKNJF also “i heard that you like the bad girls” please. these two shitty teenagers

11. ikanaide by sohta ft. yuki kaai this song is abt not wanting someone u love to leave u cause youll miss them obviously but also ur scared of how the time will change you and if it’ll make you unrecognizable eventually. big post-egypt jotaro vibes 😔 especially cause one part of the chorus translates to “i shouldnt cry, i shouldnt cry, but the truth is i want to say dont go” and im jus like OHHHHH NO IT’S JOTARO FINDING OUT KAKYOIN DIED jkfnNKJFNJDhkld

12. therefore you and me by eve ALRIGHT. god this song is one hell of a doozy. i interpret this song to mean being sincerely in love but youre in the wrong place/wrong time. considering the uh Whole Situation in part 3 there were definitely better times to fall in love for these two. jotaro and kakyoin try to be happy w the moments they do have (i think the second verse in particular adds to this sentiment what with the selfish ghosts part) but they want a better environment understandably so theyre also just kinda ignoring things until they can properly care for a relationship. but well...who knows if theyll live to make it to that better environment ):

13. mayonaka no door/stay with me by miki matsubara this song is a v sweet sentiment abt like “it’s not just heat of the moment!! i do care about u a lot!!” and asking the person u have feelings for to stick around. big kakyoin and jotaro vibes as it would be easy to call what they have a fling considering how relatively short of a timeframe they had but i genuinely think their relationship was deeper than just that and this song nicely reflects such. “jotaro and i will share a room cause we’re both students” fuckin head ass

14. a thousand years by sting oh sting.... so since sting is kakyoin’s favorite musician canonically i had to add one of his songs here as well but beyond just that i do think this song fits them!! it kinda gives me big “if not in this life, then the next” vibes which is a big uhhh thing for jotakak. they may be doomed to tragedy but the moments they have together make the tragedy worth enduring ironically i feel like this song is mostly from jotaro’s pov considering i dont think he ever completely got over kakyoin and this song def has that kinda sentiment but hey it fits them...

15. mr loverman by ricky montgomery SO FUNNY STORY i actually REALLY. REALLY didnt wanna add this song at first cause i felt it wouldve been...idk too cliche? i guess? and i was ALL kinds of picky when choosing songs for this playlist HOWEVER. eventually i relistened to it and read the lyrics while thinking specifically abt jotakak and it actually rlly does fit quite well KJDFN; another jotaro mourning song ): it’s not just the chorus tho the whole song fits jotaro immediately post-egypt but also i feel like some time around part 4 this sentiment would come back to him cause Yknow. Gays In Morioh and the mess of his family life back in america. it just aches for him cause while he’s happy josuke is happy he wishes he couldve had that for him and kakyoin too but yea jus ... them

16. you by petit biscuit an instrumental?? in a ship playlist?? yes that’s right much like mr loverman i was hesitant to put this song in cause it’s harder to justify since i dont rlly know much abt music (and not to b controversial but interpreting lyrics and interpreting music r two different things) however i really think the vibes of this song fit jotakak. it’s got a somber melody but the keys of the piano are high which im taking to mean “light in the dark” which. jotaro and kakyoin (along w the rest of the crusaders) were each other’s lights in the dark. also the ending samples a conference/lecture talking about space flight and like. star platinum. space symbolism. jotaro. yeah

17. saturn by sleeping at last MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM. this song is all about losing someone very close and important to you, but reflecting on the good they brought into your life rather than the pain of losing them. this song also has HEAVY space imagery which stardust crusaders is absolutely chalk fucking full of so also it’s a very philosophical song and considering that jotaro and kakyoin are both Nerds and both got a nice view of the stars/space in the desert with each other, im sure they had conversations similar to the one highlighted in the song. i think it’s a good note to end the playlist on cause kakyoin is dead and jotaro is the survivor but it’s not a mourning song so much as jotaro taking the love he had for kakyoin and pushing forward with it allll th way into part 6

but yeah that’s the tracklist! i might add or take away a song or two but this is mostly it (: hope yall enjoy!

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lemongogo · 4 years

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Hi, so I was wondering what u think this chapter is supposed to mean for hawks character? Is this him reluctantly following orders or is he seriously questioning what side he is on? Twice is obviously not gonna change, and I don’t think hawks understands how much his betrayal hurt twice. Twice devotes all of himself to his comrades happiness. He wouldn’t leave them. What was your opinion on hawks offering to help twice and not wanting to fight him? And twice’s reaction to it

(tl;dr at the bottom)

hey ! so i think a lot of hawks’ character is still shrouded in mystery given that we still don’t know much about him as an individual, as much as we are familiar with Hawks, his hero persona. but with that being said, I think this chapter was pretty clear in showing that there’s a part of hawks that realizes the current system is flawed, even if he isn’t currently planning to abandon the hpsc as some of us (such as myself) would like to see in the future

i think before the chapter released, there were two main paths that his story couldve taken.

in one situation, he could’ve incapacitated twice and taken him out of battle immediately. aka, no talking, no trying to explain himself, just wrap up the job he was given to do. this scenario would suggest that there is no capacity for hawks to change or evolve away from the hpsc. this outcome would mean that , for the rest of the story, he would most likely remain heavily tied to this idea that heroics hold a moral superiority over the villains. that sympathy shouldnt be spared for people like twice because they are “bad”. (aka, feed into this binary of good vs bad)

in the other situation, hawks would hesitate or try to reason with twice, and show that there’s some sort of internal conflict that he’s dealing with. this outcome, unlike with the first scenario, would insinuate that hawks’ story will, at some point, deviate from the path the hpsc intends for him to take. that he will, to some degree, question the institution he works in / contributes to. aka: is what he doing the right thing to do (emphasis on morally grey characters / situations unlike the black/white perspective of situation 1)

chapter 264 shows us that second situation: hawks, despite having the upper hand (cornering twice with all of his feathers drawn), does not immediately “finish the job”. he tries to reason with twice by saying that he can “rebuild” his life and start over. “atone for his crimes” and so on so forth. in my opinion, this is a really good step in hawks leaving the cage the hero commission forced him in at such a young age. i mean, as other people have already stated earlier, this isn’t something he will be able to overcome quickly or easily at all. but, it shows that he’s starting to make some decisions for himself. the hero commission does not seem like they would care for the rehabilitation of the criminals. it doesnt seem like they really care for how these people “feel” and would rather smush the rebellion if it meant upholding the current standard of society

the cool thing here is that we see the conflict between hawks and the commission in a very visual manner. scenes where hawks looks menacing are the scenes where he’s speaking with a sense of authority imposed by the hpsc and his status as the #2. this is where we see him talk about the logistics of his mission, and these lines are accompanied by an obscured, shadowed face. emotion is removed from the equation. he is cold and calculating. unforgiving.

compare it to when he starts to give twice a “chance”. we see his face and his emotions clear as day. from this point forward, we’re seeing what keigo wants to say, and what keigo wants to see from twice. his face is revealed when he says “because you are a good person”; he places faith in twice even when the commission couldnt (wont).

he sees twice’s tears. he sees twice break down and it all ties back to the notion that , in my opinion, hawks WAS connected to jin, even though he might frame it as part of his mission. yes, he got “close” to twice because he had to. and yes he used / manipulated twice. we can’t deny that. but he also tells twice that he recognizes the good in him and, through his internal monologue in the end, we know !! that keigo did care for him to an extent. what twice said to him back at the end, the thing about friends caring about each other and wanting to help hawks out of the “cage” he was “stuck in” resonated with him!! and thats why he offered his help in getting twice “back on his feet”

to me, i feel like he does understand how much this betrayal hurt twice. i think he tries to put on a facade and act like it doesnt affect him bc its his job (as in . he’s not supposed to get attached) but then you see THIS panel at the end

and its obvious he’s upset and reflecting on the idea that what he’s doing and how he’s using people isnt okay and that, yeah, jin has a point . somewhere along the way, heroics lost sight of what it meant to help people

idk. its a lot to process. maybe im reading this all wrong, but to Me i feel as though this is a sign that hawks isnt as tied to the commission as he originally was. because although he’s still doing his job as he’s supposed to, he’s also grieving? in his own way? recognizing the harm he’s caused twice and understanding that this is just a really shitty situation. like others have mentioned, i don’t think we could’ve expected this big “switch” in hawks right away but this is the perfect step in the right direction imo

to answer your question, i don’t think he’s questioning his position just yet but . he does seem to be emotionally distressed and perhaps critical of himself for what he has to do. @miriio describes this better than i can:

“if anything i think i’d be bad writing for hawks to join the league this quickly. we clearly see hawks struggling with his options and he genuinely seems to feel bad about what he’s doing….but what he’s doing is what he’s been trained to believe is right. if hawks really wanted to i’m sure he could’ve killed twice instantly. but he didn’t because he doesn’t want to. he even said he would help twice after because he knows he’s a good person. it’s clear hawks doesn’t wanna do any of this but as far as he’s concerned it’s his only option”

im really bad at explaining how i feel abt this but @miriio and @spinneraki both make ! really good points on what this means for him as a character too if u want to check out those discussions :-)

tl;dr this chapter shows hawks has the capacity to change, given his choice to “talk it out” with twice and his later reflection on how the “bad ones are always us hero scum”.

#long post #bnha spoilers #bnha 264 #bnha #hawks #twice #when i write long posts like this i feel like i dont make sense #or somehow contradict myself #so hopefully this kinda answers ur question #durbinfan13 #asktag

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mousehole5000 · 3 years

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tgcf chapters 107 - 120 this is one where i give some Opinions. i do overall like hualian a lot but i have some quibbles

wait why am i still taking screenshots? i can copy/paste again afskldfjasad

It really was hard to tell whether people would feel happy after watching such performances. However, in truth, slaughter and the sight of blood did create excitement in people. Whether or not there was fear, after the initial shock was over, a rush of adrenaline would be produced in the heart- me watching horror movies

“Shi Qingxuan said. “Then, Your Highness, Crimson Rain Sought Flower! I order you to—to immediately strip each other’s clothing!” - djslkadjlsd WHY DID HE SPECIFICALLY SAY THEY HAD TO STRIP EACH OTHER THISALSKDJ is this a normal thing is it a wingman attempt what is happening

“I’ll tell you what it is,” he said softly. “To watch with your own eyes your beloved be trampled and ridiculed, yet be unable to do anything. That’s the worst suffering in the world.” ... “Ming Yi asked, “What’s the biggest regret of your life?”- when truth or dare gets a bit too real

On the side, Hua Cheng was still only observing, and was already bored to the point where he’d changed back into his red robes. Then he changed to black robes again. Then to white robes. Almost every time Xie Lian looked back, he would be donning a different appearance, and with every new look there were different hairstyles, and different accessories, and different boots, and so on; sometimes playful, sometimes elegant, sometimes deadly, sometimes glamourous. Xie Lian was growing dizzy from all the colours and kept looking back, unable to look away. - THIS ISNT THE TIME HUA CHENG. YOURE PRIMPING. THE WINDMASTER HAS BEEN KIDNAPPED AND YOURE PRIMPING

obsessed with xie lian not being able to figure out to use the windmaster’s fan and just. using it to SMACK

also windmaster??? whats going on??? :( i know some things from spoilers like who is not to be trusted but i really have no clue whats happening rn

anyways back to puqi shrine lets check on those kids also can we PLEASE get some funds for this restoration smh. hua cheng and xie lian doing mundane hard labor together to fulfill prayers.... :pleading:

jailbreak in the heavens 2: dig a tunnel

Sure enough, the moment Ming Yi put pressure on his shovel, a hole opened up before them. With the shovel raised, he burrowed crazily ahead while Shi Qingxuan, in the middle, cheered him on crazily. As the only non-crazy person, Xie Lian brought up the rear. That treasured shovel of the Earth Master was indeed magical, and with only a few strokes, a new tunnel of over ten meters was dug. - anybody remember mulch diggums from the artemis fowl series? this is much more dignified than that but i think this is only the second time ive read a character just starting digging a tunnel as a plot point

okay so much is going on i wish i hadnt spoiled who certain characters actually are for myself but i have no one to blame but me for a) not blacklisting spoilers at all and b) just having a little freefall through the tags. oh well. anyway heavenly college admissions scandal except way worse. the corruption extends to the heavens and the windmaster is having a very bad day

i guess we’re having a high seas adventure now?

im gonna keep it real im getting tired of how often we get told how handsome hua cheng is. i know its all xie lian’s pov and while im not terribly familiar with it i know what genre we’re working with and im assuming thats pretty typical. its something i dont much care for in general and idk maybe it sounds better in the original but ngl its starting to make me roll my eyes. love you goth king but god okay we get it.

i guess what i will say about hualian so far is that overall i like them and i like how they interact in general they have a lot of nice moments and they just genuinely seem to like each other which is really nice to see EXCEPT for when it actually comes to things that could be romantic or sexual which is a shame bc i dont think it has to be like this. again disclaimer that im only reading a translation and dont know everything might not have all the knowledge necessary to accurately criticize etc etc and im assuming a lot of this is expected from the genre (disclaimer to this disclaimer that i cant say that for sure its just based on things ive picked up about the bl genre over the years) but idk like xie lian was so distressed after their underwater kiss scene. it was kind of uncomfortable to read and maybe im being unfair i know his cultivation is based around abstinence or whatever but idk i dont care for it. and that scene alone doesnt have to be a bad thing like idk i guess its his first kiss ever (?) and it would make sense if he feels weird about it but i just have my doubts thats going to be addressed or resolved in a satisfying way. also im like. dude everyone is like centuries old. xie lian’s been on earth for 800 years. has he really never met or heard of a gay person during all this time? maybe he hasnt idk what he got up to yet maybe that’s actually a thing. also same thing with the reactions from the immortals to xie lian in a dress and characters like the windmaster like again you’re all centuries old and its not uncommon to be able to just completely change gender presentation. why are you all weird about a man wearing a woman’s dress? i just feel like that shouldnt be a big deal to these characters idk

also again not going to lie part of this that im not really a big fan of reading romance in general. yes i am reading this book. yes i do read and write a lot of fanfic that includes or centers romance. im multifaceted. but really what im talking about is the like physical side of it and descriptions im extremely picky about it. ill give an example. early on in the torture pit (or whatever it was called i cant remember lol) when xie lian kind of accidentally felt up hua cheng in the dark when he was being carried. i dont think thats a bad thing to have happen between the two romantic leads i think thats fine and good to include that early but i just did not enjoy reading it when it happened idk maybe it was the wording and i do think that moments like these work better in a visual medium. ive definitely read het romance that reads like this and i wasnt a fan of that either lol same with fanfic i get tired when writers go on and on about how hot one characters finds another character. this isnt a huge criticism of it like i said im picky but again like with the way that hua cheng is described it just makes me roll my eyes sorry kings

okay back to the reading. this whole saving the fishermen thing feels like a big set up for something narrative-wise. hua cheng specifically insisted on coming and i know one of the characters involved ends up dying im wondering if thats now it would be a good time tbh if things get just a bit too unfortunate during this heavenly calamity... and the brothers are notably not having a harmonious time... also tho it feels very likely we’ll just have another Hualian Moment (tm)

In such a situation, Pei Ming still acted the same. In the evening, when they rescued a few fishermen girls, so scared their eyes were blurry from tears, he held them in his embrace and soothed them with a gentle voice; a true show of honeyed romance, affectionate and charming. - pei ming please get pickled again.

also its funny that hua cheng is just kinda hanging out and everyone else just has to deal with it

Looking down from above, the entire area was painted in a terrifying black. It was easy to see the collision between the two different-coloured currents. Their fierce battle was what formed this enormous whirlpool. As the eye swallowed the ship whole, the two currents of water separated. However, the battle was far from over. Like two venomous vipers, they continued to snap at each other. Each collision was followed by a mountain of angry waves. - this pretty dope ngl. also love our wind and earth masters just chilling on a shovel i dig it. hehe

Yet, other than discovering Hua Cheng had a fine body, there were no other finds. Xie Lian was at his wit’s end and started to worry. - okay see this one’s funny im just also irritated bc im like WE KNOW!!! WE GET IT HE’S HOT AND XIE LIAN THINKS HE’S HOT OKAY GOT IT

okay kiss #2 again its not the kisses themselves its xie lian’s reaction it just bothers me idk im not saying i need him to be super into it and completely unconflicted about it rn but he’s just so freaked out about it and idk i just dont really like it just feels weird i dont care for that aspect of it. also dude hua cheng is a ghost and he did this exact same thing for you before just chill. i wish instead of xie lian literally running away while screaming that hes sorry he was just like “oh haha youre fine thats cool im gonna go look around the woods i dont feel weird about this at all haha” like idk its kind of funny but when its literally our two romantic leads i just feel like its confusing like it kind of makes me feel like they shouldnt be together if one of them freaks out this much again considering the fact that they are both CENTURIES old. i know i know xie lian is an 800 year old virgin but. he hasn’t been like this about anything else so yeah idk like it still could have been awkward and funny i just dont think it needed to be so :/ that being said it was funny that xie lian was then internally like “oh i did it wrong? perhaps i should ask him for more.. instructions....” if that actually happens i might like it bc it would complete this little watery theme

Before he finished, he immediately remembered. Coffin wood. There were trees here everywhere; and a deceased? There was one right before his eyes. Sure enough, Hua Cheng smiled. “Won’t it be fine once I lie inside? - love that hua cheng just sat on the fact that he can turn anything into a coffin. that would have been really useful information earlier but no he just waited until everyone but xie lian was gone afjaklsdjf

also i do think that oblivious xie lian thinking “wow whoever it is that hua cheng fancies is an idiot for not liking him back theyre totally taking him for granted :/” is kind of funny and sweet. actually the whole conversation they have at the campfire is good and im bookmarking it to think about later

“...You on top and me on the bottom,” Xie Lian replied. “Isn’t top and bottom the same?” Hua Cheng asked. - okay im sorry but. mood whenever theres discourse about top/bottom dynamics for a ship im just like jesus christ i dont care. tbh i rarely read fanfiction if its just sexual and ngl if i see a fic specifically tag characters as top or bottom i wont read it lmfao. especially when people have really strong opinions about this stuff when theres nothing canonical to back it up like headcanon all you want but whenever i see people argue about it im just like no offense but go work out your own sexual issues and dynamics instead of arguing with strangers on the internet about who’s a top and who’s a bottom. sorry to be mean but just thats how i feel lol

this was mostly a ramble with a few excerpts but im getting sleepy im going to TRY to take a break from this for like a day but we’ll see how that goes i do very much want to know what happens. anyway if you read this whole thing hiiiiii sorry for subjecting you to my opinions on top/bottom discourse

#minors dni #reading this is weird its like wow this is pretty great actually im having a blast #and then there's these moments that are like...... hmmmm.#idk they havent been awful i just think theyre :/#still funny tho ill give it that #tgcf liveblog

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jinxiaroo · 4 years

Text

4/9 9:49 pm

hey, another day another blog. post.

im sitting in my new living room that i moved out to. im so grateful that i got to move out. but i guess even though as grateful as i am. i wish my fingers would move as fast as my mind. i have so many emotions i dont know what to do with it. all over again. i cut my nails and i painted it. just got off facetime with my soulmate cindy thank god for her because i would not know what to do without her. last night i dont know why but it felt like a panic attack of emotions. i had so many feelings i had to do breathing exercise in the room because i was so stressed from doing everything. everyone was asking for help. but if everyone is asking me to help then who is going to do my fucking job. but it’s fine i got to chat with her and i calm down a bunch. idk what it is about her but everytime i chat with her everything just melts away and i dont stress about anything. i really want the guy that im seeing to be that person but i dont think he can be because i dont trust him. i also reminded myself alvin got to where he is in my life he had to push really hard. i dont trust people easily. i dont let people in easily. justs because i am interested in someone that gives them a leeway into my life?.... i dont think so. it's the same for everyone. those people that i picked, i chose them for a reason and i am extremely loyal to my friends. i dont have a lot of those people and they are extremely special to me. i would do anything for them just as i know they would do anything for me. so why does this one person that i merely met in 3 months get to have all this privilege and power to. also.... i remember we arent even dating so why do you have so much power. alvin reminded me of this. we arent official but i dont mind it much. i guess i shouldnt take it so seriously.

4/10 11:37 pm listening to lindsey ray : float on.

i wanna do more journaling to document what im feeling. im about to get my period for the first time in some time. more then a year ago. im going to really hate it tbh. but whatever it needs to happen. ernest came over today and it was a nice get together. i feel like there is alot of uncertainty. i dont know what to do with this information. i dont like it. i like knoowing things for sure. im suppose to read more but ive been lacking tbh. ive just been chatting with friends and just making sur everyone is okay during this pandemic. i see alot of people are stressing over everything. family. friends and making sure evryone is mentally okay. this staying home is taking a lot of mental toll on people. im not sure what else to write about. ive talking about my feelings alot. to everyone really since i check on people. i guess i talk alot when i am comfortable with the person. maybe a little too much. idk, im scared and i have a feeling it wont be working out with me and him. i guess thats alright right? nothing good last forever anyway. im sitting here in the bed room and the heat keeps blowing into my face. it is so anoying. LOL. maybe im meant to be single forever. OMG i got the game we are not really strangers. im so excited to play with my friends. we are gonna have such intersting conversations. ernests wants to play as well.... i wonder how does it go.

this pandemic puts alot of things into perspective. i think i realize what is more important to me. im surprised at how im living alone and im not uncomfortable or im not having anxiety. its actually really relaxing and im having a bomb ass time alone. i thought i would be really lonely. but maybe ive gotten use to being alone. after moving out like this i really wanna move out for sure by the end of this year or next year but then that also means i need to save all my money and not go on many vacation. i really want to go to cali but its gonna be in june. im not sure if i should go because of hate crime and also alot of things are closed i guess. maybe just airbnb and cook a bunch ?..... im not sure. i guess ill figure it out.

alright peeps. if you read this far you really care about my life huh LOL. more to come... see ya

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honeymoon-bear · 5 years

Text

whats up yall its time for an Extremely Long And Definitely Super Cool Art Rant!!!!!!!!!!! (dont feel bad for skipping this its literally just my string of thoughts typed out hh)

the thing is. that 99% of the artists i know/see on social media like. genuinely like drawing hhh which should be a no brainer huh!!! but for some reason it tends to feel more like a chore to me? i put it off and i procrastinate until im feeling so guilty that i wake up at night in panic bc i havent posted anything in two weeks or smth. dont get me wrong i do like the finished product and im proud of what ive put out so far but the cost of that is so high sometimes?? cause most of the time im too terrified to even open sai and getting started drawing feels like an absolutely impossible task. cause i just dont know if this drawing is gonna be good? have i already peaked? what if this is garbage and ive lost all my art skills and everyone will be disappointed and noone will care and i think my problem is that i just dont really have a reason to create art. which is why i mainly do fanart i guess? it gives me a reason to care, at least somewhat, to actually draw. i think i havent really drawn personal art since i was 13 or something. cause i just dont see a reason for doing that. expressing myself is embarrassing and cringey (just for me, not when others do it ofc!!), i dont wanna do that, and noone would care about my oc’s (not that i care that much about them in the first place? like theyre somewhat important to me cause looking back i think they gave me a platform to explore my identity but. yeah. idk.) so like??? the thing is. that i only want to create art that i can upload to social media. is that normal? shouldnt i be drawing cause i like drawing??? and this then leads me to being scared of drawing again cause if i cant upload it its pretty much worthless. the things on my tumblr are literally all ive drawn these past months. thats it. PLUS, bc i only draw like once a week, i want to push my comfort zone every time i then do draw cause i want my published pieces to be the absolute best art i can possibly produce!!!! and if i never practice i can only hope for a miracle lol uuuh i kinda lost my point there. this is a bad rant im sorry. typing everything out here helps me sort through my thoughts,,, , oh also: the instagram algorithm is literally the WORST i fucking hate it cause i just cant upload art frequently enough!!!!!!! tumblr and twitter are alright, they dont care about when and how often you upload but instagram? god i hate it. but i dont wanna leave it cause i like the little community im i guess somewhat a part of there? aaah idk. i really dont know :^)) oh ALSO: i feel like i have nothing to contribute to the fandom. my art is alright and all but its nothing groundbreaking? the thing is i dont only want to make art i personally like, like it should be, i also wanna make art i know others will like. so im always trying to find balance between these two? to be brutally honest: im scared my posts will flop!!!! i literally dream about that and wake up feeling like shit. all of this is toxic but i dont know what to do!!! i dont wanna give up my art account im too proud of what ive achieved so far? like 13 yr old me would just burst into happy tears if she saw my insta and i dont wanna disappoint her?????

so yeah. havent uploaded in two weeks. im scared to get out my tablet. this rant is stupidly long. it feels like im the only one with these dumb dumb problems and i kinda wish anyone else would say they feel the same but surprise surprise: noone does cause they make art cause they god damn like making art, hanna :)) if you read all of this im so sorry for wasting your time sjdksd please dont feel obliged to answer on this post i kinda just wanted to yell into the void. for some reason ranting like this makes it easier to pick up my tablet pen. maybe ill actually draw tonight. we’ll see.

#as always maybe you can at least relate or smth hh #kinda feel like my early taz art and the vampfire pieces are where i peaked #why make more art #wheres the point #idk.#like genuinely do not feel like you have to write anything to this #i already feel much better having all of this written out tbh.#all of these are such first world problems im sorry!!!!!!!

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kiddoryder · 5 years

Text

Birthday Puppet

Hey guys! I wanted to say thank you for liking my first Hazbin Hotel fanfic and my OC. I really appreciate it!

Anyway this new fanfic introduces my other Hazbin Hotel OC Lucius! The nephew of Sir Pentious, and it’s his birthday which is uncle got a special surprise for his nephew that don’t sit well for Charlie and the others.

So relax and enjoyed the story! @vivziepop

At a fancy Victorian Castle (Idk where he lives but I can picture it’s something fancy) Sir Pentious was ordering his Egg Bois to set up a party. They were in his stage room setting up the party and the egg Bois was working hard and fast.

Sir Pentious - “Hurry up and set up those balloons!”

All Egg Bois - “Yes boss!”

Egg boi 21 - “Hey boss! What’s the party for anyway?”

Sir Pentious angrily grabbed the egg boi with his tail. This made him and the other egg Bois scared and jealous that Pentious grabbed one of them.

Sir Pentious - “Haven’t you been listening?! Today is my nephew’s Lucius birthday. This year his parents decided to let him to spend it with me. And this party gotta be perfect!”

Sir Pentious then heard the door knocking.

Sir Pentious - “He’s here!”

Sir Pentious threw the egg boi away and quickly slithered to the door. He opened the door and there was his preteen nephew Lucius. Lucius looks similar to his Uncle, but he was more humanmade since he has legs. Lucius has gray hair, wearing a white shirt, a black tie, gray vest, black pants, and black shoes with white spats. He was also holding a book bag.

Lucius - “Hello Uncle Pentious.”

Sir Pentious - “Hello Lucius! Happy birthday my boy. Come in! Wait until I see what I got planned for you.”

Sir Pentious came into the house and Sir Pentious lead him to the stage room. Lucius eyes widen in amazement at what his uncle plan for him.

Luscious - “Oh Uncle this is amazing!”

Sir Pentious - “Anything for my nephew.”

Egg boi 8 - “Hello Lucius-“

Lucius - “It’s YOUNG MASTER Lucius to you minion.”

Egg boi 8 - “My apologizes Young Master Lucius but, didn’t you invite friends over to the party?”

Lucius - *scoff* “Who need friends when I have minions? Besides, friendship disgust me.”

Sir Pentious - “Your parents and I taught you well my boy.”

Then all of a sudden, one of the egg Bois accidentally tripped and dropped a bowl of punch. The bowl of punch landed on Lucius wetting him and ran toward a mirror and saw that he was a wet sticky mess.

Lucius - *angry* “IM UGLY!!”

Egg boi 47 - *nervously* “Oopsie…”

Then glass cups were being thrown at the egg Bois and Pentious. Some of the egg Bois got crushed to death.

Egg boi 28 - “Hey!”

Then more dangerous things like glass, forks and knives was being thrown. Pentious and the egg Bois hide behind big crates.

Lucius - “YOU IDIOTS RUINED MY GOOD LOOKS!!”

Lucius kept on throwing things which kept Pentious and the egg Bois still hiding.

Sir Pentious - “Now look at what you idiots has done! You made him mad!”

Egg boi 47 - “But I tripped while holding the punch.”

Sir Pentious - “Well you shouldn’t have tripped!”

A sharp knife was thrown through the crates and it killed an Egg Boi.

Egg Bois and Pentious - “AHHH!”

Looking for something else to throw, Lucius went inside his bag and picks up a doll. However it wasn’t just a doll, it was a raggedy Sonya/Liz doll he made. Lucius then looked at the doll, tears began to form in his eyes and began to sob and wail loudly while hugging the doll.

Sir Pentious - “Go see what he is going now.”

Egg boi 23 - *frighten* “But Boss, I’m scared.”

Sir Pentious - “NOW!!”

Egg boi 23 timidly looked up and saw Lucius crying while hugging his doll.

Egg boi 23 - “The young master Lucius is crying Boss.”

Pentious looked up and saw Lucius crying while hugging his doll.

Pentious - *concern* “Why are you crying Lucius?”

Lucius - *through his tears* “Now the girl of my dreams will never love me like this! She even rejected my invitation to my party...I even called her my property!”

Lucius just broke down into sobs again. It just breaks his Uncle’s heart to see him so sad. Especially on his birthday.

Sir Pentious - “Don’t worry Lucius your birthday will still be great! *sinister* and I already know the perfect gift!

()()()()()()()()

Meanwhile Sonya was there spending time with Charlie and the others at the hotel. There was a knock on the door and Sonya opened it. It was an Egg Boi with a letter in his hands.

Egg Boi 19 - “Good morning my good lady. Sir Pentious would like you to come to-“

Sonya grabbed the letter, kicked the Egg Boi far away, and close the door.

Charlie - “Who was it, Sonya?” Sonya “Some talking egg thing who gave me some weird letter.”

Sonya - *reads it* “Come to my party my lovely property from Lucius" Augh! Does anybody got a lighter?” Angel Dust hands her a lighter and she burn the letter. Then she crumbled the envelope and threw it in the trash.

Vaggie - “What’s wrong Sonya? Who’s Lucius?”

Sonya - “He's a boy who have a crush on me.”

Charlie - “Aw! That is so cute!”

Sonya - “No it’s not cute! It’s disgusting especially with him.”

Vaggie - “Aw come on he can’t be that bad.”

Sonya - “He’s Sir Pentious’ nephew.”

Vaggie - “On second thought maybe him having a crush on you is really bad.”

Angel - “So wait, Sir Pentious’ brat have a crush on you?”

Sonya - “Yeah that what I said.”

Angel then burst into laughter much to the confusion of Charlie, and the anger of Sonya and Vaggie. Husk was just drinking his alcohol not caring and Nifty was busy cleaning.

Sonya - *crossing her arms* “And what is so funny?”

Angel - *laughing* “Sir Pentious’s brat having a crush on you! *laughing*

Sonya - *mad* “Angel it’s not funny!”

Angel - “Oh yeah you’re right it’s not funny...It’s fucking hilarious!! *laughs more*

Vaggie- “Angel stop it, or I’ll knock you out!”

Angel - *laughing dying down* “Okay okay. You gals have no sense of humor.”

Sonya - “Well it’s not funny to be always get kidnapped by a slithering asshole.”

Charlie - *shocked* “Wait he kidnapped you?! Why didn’t you tell me? I mean if that the case we gotta lock up the hotel and-“

Sonya - “Ah Cousin Charlie don’t worry about it.”

Charlie - “What? But he come and kidnapped you and-“

Sonya - “Oh please he’s always tries to kidnap me. Do you know how many times I been bag snagged, locked in a suitcase and chained up? So much to the point that this rate, I can escape blindfolded. Oh he forgot to blindfold me that time.”

Angel - “Wow that’s really impressive kid.”

Sonya - “Yeah but it’s really stressful too at the same time. He just likes me for my looks and want me to be a “proper lady” and follow the “woman code” basically being a stereotype of a girl: wearing dresses, looking pretty, doing housework. Bleugh! So stressful… *sat down on a bar chair and turn to Husk* hey buddy, what drink you recommended?”

Husk - “Hold up let me see. *give her a liquor bottle* here you go.”

Sonya - “Thanks.”

Sonya was about to take a sip until Charlie grabbed the bottle.

Charlie - “Sonya are you nuts?! You don’t drink liquor! That’s for depression. You drink red wine for stress.”

Charlie hands her a glass of red wine. Sonya began to drink the wine and feel a little calmer.

Charlie - “Okay so Lucius have some obsession issues, but have you try talking to him about it?”

Sonya - “Yeah. The first time I let down gently, he did this!”

Sonya lift up her shirt a little to show a stab wound scar above her belly button.

Vaggie - *shocked* “He stabbed you?!”

Sonya - “Yeah saying that he ‘freaked out’.”

Charlie - “Sonya why didn’t you tell me or anybody else?”

Sonya - “Because like I said Cousin Charlie, I can take care of myself. I mean he is related to Sir Pentious after all and failure do run in their family. Besides, stuff like stabbing and killing happen in Hell all the time it’s not much of a big deal.”

Angel - “Sonya does get a good point Charlie. Somebody could get run over and nobody would care.”

Charlie - “Okay that is fair...but still though!”

Sonya - “Hey don’t worry Cousin Charlie, if I really needed help, I will call you.”

Charlie - “Promise?”

Sonya - “I promise. *drinks more wine* But I can take care of myself *starting to sound mad and stress* to that no good Victorian bastard son of a bitch. I’ll-“

Unknowingly to Sonya, she was also shaking in rage. It got so bad to point that she crushed the cup in her hands and the wine splatter on her clothes and face.

Sonya - “Damn it! Excuse me I gotta go change now.”

Sonya went upstairs to her own hotel room. Then after she finished changing in the bathroom, she heard a strange noise. Sonya started to look around her room.

Sonya - “Hello? Anybody there?”

Suddenly, Sir Pentious slithered into the room. Sir Pentious - “Hello my dear.” Before Sonya could scream or fight back, Sir Pentious took out a white rag that has his venom and covered Sonya’s mouth and nose with it that knocked her out. Sir Pentious evilly smiled and slung her over his shoulder and quietly open the window, and saw the latter connected to his blimp. He grabbed the latter and flew away without being noticed.

Sir Pentious came back to his house still holding Sonya over his shoulder. The Egg Bois saw their boss stage back carrying Sonya.

Egg Boi 666 - “Wow boss! You got the girl!”

Egg Boi 15 - “Should I get Young Master Lucius boss?”

Sir Pentious - “Of course not! I want this to be a surprise for him. The question is: what to do with her? Hmm…”

Sir Pentious sees wooden board, paints, hooks and a big pink frilly dress. Even saw some of the egg Bois either playing with them or getting themselves killed. Pentious - “Hmm I got an idea!”

()()()()()()()()()

Back at the hotel, Angel Dust was just flipping channels on the television drinking liquor, Vaggie was reading a book and was drinking beer, and Charlie came into the lobby looking worried.

Charlie - “Hey guys, have Sonya came down at all?”

Angel Dust - “Nope.”

Vaggie - “No why?”

Charlie - “It’s been half an hour and she haven’t calm down at all.”

Vaggie - “Maybe she just wants to have a little alone time.”

Angel Dust - “Alone time? Isn’t she a little too young for that I mean once you start watching those type of movies, you can’t stop and-“?

Vaggie - *shocked* “NOT that kind of alone time you idiot!”

Angel Dust - “Well be clearer next time!”

Vaggie - *rolled her eyes* “Anyway, she’s probably in her room reading or listening to music.”

Charlie - “That’s true. Maybe I’m overreacting...Hey Husk can I have some vodka?”

Husk threw her a vodka bottle and Charlie caught it. Charlie sat on the couch with Angel and Vaggie to watch TV. The TV turned static for a few seconds until it shows Sir Pentious fiddling with the camera.

Sir Pentious - “Is it on?”

Egg Boi 52 - “Yeah boss! We are on TV now! *he waves at the camera* Hi people!”

Sir Pentious was annoyed and pushed the Egg Boi out of the way.

Sir Pentious - “Greetings you pathetic sinners! It is I your future ruler: Sir Pentious!”

Angel Dust - *deadpan* “Oh joy it’s Sir Penny on TV.”

Charlie - “Let see what’s his so called “plans” this time to take over Hell this time.”

Vaggie - “I bet it’s something really stupid like most of his other plans are.”

Sir Pentious - You see, I prepared something very special for my nephew Lucius who *The egg boi was moving the camera down but Pentious made it go back up* HOLD IT STILL! Anyway, I prepared something very special for my dear nephew Lucius whose birthday is today!”

The Egg Boi turned the camera to Lucius. He was now cleaned up but still looked bummed out. He was hearing a party crown and sadly blew a birthday blower. Then an Egg Boi tapped Sir Pentious’ arm and whispered:

Egg Boi 12 - *whispered* “She’s awake now Boss!”

Sir Pentious - “Oh perfect! Oh Lucius come over here, I got a surprise for you.”

Lucius went next to his uncle and saw lots of buttons and levers and a small button remote. Sir Pentious presses a button on the table, and the curtain stage opens to reveal wooden fake animals, trees, and the backdrop was the forest. Angel, Charlie and Vaggie looked confused on what Sir Pentious was doing on TV.

Charlie - “Really a puppet show?”

Vaggie - “I guess he lost his touch.”

Angel Dust - “Forget his touch, he lost his fucking brain. With all those extra eyes you'd think he'd see just how stupid that is.”

Charlie chuckled at that statement as she, Vaggie and Angel Dust continue to drink their alcohol.

Charlie - “I wish Sonya was down here to watch it with us.”

Vaggie - “Maybe she’s watching it in her room. You did put the TV in there for a reason.”

Charlie - “Good point.”

Lucius - “A puppet show? You made me a puppet show? Well I guess that is pretty cool since your puppet shows always entertain me.”

Sir Pentious - “Thank you. But this isn’t just any puppet show for you my boy, I happened to have gotten a very special for "puppet" for you!”

The Egg Boi turned the camera to the stage and Sir Pentious pressed a button on the table. The stage lights went on and Sonya came down the stage. Two hooks were impaled into both her hands which made her float and her hands bleed. Sonya was wearing a pink Victorian dress with white socks and Mary Jane shoes. She was also wearing a white headband with a feather on it with her hair loose. Sonya was fully awake but looked confused and a little in pain. Lucius gasps happily while Charlie, Vaggie and Angel Dust spit out their drink in shock.

Lucius - *happily* “I-Is That!!”

Charlie, Vaggie and Angel Dust - *shocked and horrified* “SONYA?!”

Sonya - “What the hell? Where am I? And where are my clothes!?”

Pentious - “Oh I burnt them and gave you a brand new pretty one!”

Sonya - *mad* “You burnt my clothes?!”

Pentious - “Oh yes cause a young lady such as yourself shouldn’t being wearing such horrid clothes.”

Lucius - “Uncle, you did this for me?”

Sir Pentious - “Well of course. You deserved something special for your birthday. What's more special than your own property? Beside I-“

Sonya - *shocked* “What?! I'm nobody prop-“

Angry that he got interrupted, Sir Pentious pressed the button he had on the remote and the hooks and chains glows light blue and end up electrifying Sonya and she screamed in pain.

Sonya - *panting* W-what the hell was that?!”

Sir Pentious - “Oh it’s something I added to the hooks and chains. I just to press this button on the remote that can make me shock you as much as I want! It would teach you some matters to becoming a proper lady for Lucius. The pain helps you learn.”

Lucius - “And we will make sure that other self of yours would be a proper lady too. Excellent idea for making the hooks not reach her fingers Uncle. We can’t let that wild side of her come out you know?”

Sir Pentious - “Agreed. Although perhaps once Sonya becomes a proper lady, the other side of her would be even more proper.”

Sonya - *angry* “When I get down here, I'm gonna-“

Then all of a sudden, Sir Pentious use his tail and wrapped it around Sonya’s neck beginning to choke her. He even grabbed her cheeks and began to sink his nails into it.

Sir Pentious - "Oh I'm sorry what was that you said missy? You said: *sinisterly* I'm going to make Lucius happy by being his puppet because if you don’t, I would kill you by squeezing you until your lungs pop?" Sonya - *while being choked* “S-Stop!”

Sir Pentious - “That's what I thought.”

Sir Pentious let go of Sonya and she was now panting from being choked. Even though she couldn’t see it, she felt small drops of blood fell off her cheeks.

Lucius - “Oh Uncle, you've made me the happiest boy in Hell!”

He hugs his uncle and The Egg Bois awed. The Egg Boi that was the camera then turned to Sonya. Sonya was panting in pain and saw the camera turned to her.

Sonya - “Oh god I don't normally say this but: *desperately* SOMEBODY HELP ME!!!”

Sir Pentious - *takes the video camera away* “What you doing to stupid fetus? Don’t record that! *looks at the camera* Lucius! How do I turn this thing off?”

Lucius - “You need to rotate the zoom ring to off in order to turn the camera off.”

Pentious - *confused* “Huh? Where is this thing you call zoom ring?”

Lucius - *takes the camera* “Let me do it!”

Sonya - “You better let me go now-“

Sir Pentious pressed the button that shocked her and screamed in pain. Lucius then turn off the camera which made the TV goes back to its regular channel.

Charlie - “Hold on Sonya I’m coming!”

Charlie was about to run out the door until Vaggie stopped her.

Vaggie - “Wait Charlie, we can’t just go yet.”

Charlie - “But you saw what happened on the TV!

We need to save her!”

Vaggie - “I know but we don't know where the party is. It could be anywhere for all we know.”

“I figured out where.”

They all turned to Niffty and saw she was holding a crumpled envelope.

Niffty - “I saw it on the TV too and I remember Sonya having this and throwing it out. The top left should say his address.”

Niffty took the paper, straighten out and the address. They all looked at the crumpled envelope and said an address that said, “Nightmare Boulevard 11001”.

Charlie - “Excellent work Niffty let’s get going!”

They all ran to Charlie’s limo and surprisingly, Charlie got into the driver’s seat and began to drive fast.

Charlie - “Don't worry baby cousin, Charlie is coming!”

()()()()()()()

Meanwhile back at the party Sir Pentious, Lucius, and the egg Bois was laughing being entertain by the “puppet show”. They were” controlling the chains to move Sonya’s arms around and two extra robot arms to move her legs to make her dance. Sonya never felt such anger and pain in her life and wanted nothing more to be free and beat the living crap of them. Sadly she couldn’t due to the hooks being deep impales in her hands and keep on getting shocked. Even if it she wasn’t getting shock, she would be banged against the wall, the floor, or even the lights. Sonya couldn’t even let out Liz due to her fingers can’t reach the ends and all Liz could do is sadly watch seeing her other self-getting tortured.

Sonya - “Let me go your Victorian asshole!”

Sir Pentious shocks her and Sonya screamed in pain.

Sir Pentious - “Ah ah ah. That's no way to speak to me or my nephew, especially on his birthday.”

Lucius - “Come on my lovely Sonya where's your passion?”

Sonya - *angry and sarcastic* “Oh, you mean beneath my rage and fury?”

Sir Pentious - “Aw you just can’t handle the fact that I'm just simply having some fun with my dear nephew.”

Egg Boi 91 - “And us too!”

Sir Pentious slapped the Egg Boi away in annoyed.

Lucius - “Yes I mean my property Sonya.” Sonya - “No I'm not! You always try to kidnap me!”

Lucius - “Because I want you with me, forever!”

Pentious - “Okay enough chit chat. How about a little puppet show!”

Egg Boi 12 - “Oh boy!”

Lucius - “Oooh, I'd love that.”

Then Charlie, Angel Dust, and Vaggie sneak into the castle and saw the party room. It was actually pretty easy since the guards were eggs Bois and they quickly killed them. Then they quietly sneak into the party room and hide behind the chairs and they saw on stage the curtain opening.

Sir Pentious - “Once Upon of time, there was some weakling pathetic girl name Sonya.”

He pressed the button and Sonya came down looking angry and in pain.

Sonya - “I'm not part of this!!”

Sir Pentious pressed the button and Sonya got shocked again.

Sir Pentious - “The pain help you learn.”

Sonya - “The pain is melting my brain!”

Sir Pentious - “Anyway, Sonya was really lonely and pathetic. She would always say: Sonya - “FUCK YOU!!”

Egg Boi 25 - *gasps* “What such language!!”

Lucius - “May I uncle?”

Sir Pentious - “Oh, how could I say no to the birthday boy?” Sir Pentious gave Lucius the remote and Lucius presses the button two times and it shocks Sonya twice. Sonya screamed in pain much to the horror of Charlie, Vaggie and Angel Dust. Even a jerk like Angel Dust was even horrified and disgusted on what Sir Pentious and Lucius was doing to Sonya.

Charlie - “This is horrible!”

Vaggie - “Wait until I get ahold of that brat! I'll give him the biggest birthday beating of a lifetime!”

Angel - “Yeah! Can’t we just shoot them?”

Charlie - “No you can’t! We could get caught and they could kill Sonya.”

Angel - “So what else you suggest we-“

Vaggie - “Shh! Something happening.”

They turned and heard Lucius saying:

Lucius - “Uncle I’m starting to get famished. Is it okay we have some birthday cake?”

Sir Pentious - “Why of course Lucius. Come on you chicken shits it’s time for cake!”

Egg Bois - “Yes Boss!”

Sonya - “Wait! Can’t I at least eat some cake? I mean isn’t it the “women code” ladies first?”

Lucius - “Well Yes you are correct about that. But it’s my birthday and I get what I want! You get to eat later.”

Sir Pentious - “Oh and one more thing:”

Sir Pentious pressed a different button. Instead of getting shocked, two small hands appeared from the side of the headbands and it stretched Sonya’s mouth into a force smile.

Sir Pentious - “This helps you smile. Don’t worry once your mind is clean from our training, you will be the proper lady you meant to be for Lucius. Remember, the pain helps you learn.”

Sir Pentious laughs as he left the room. Sonya was panting in pain and felt like crying. She never felt this kind of torture before especially from Sir Pentious and Lucius. Liz came in shadow form came and looked at Sonya sadly because she can’t help. Sonya noticed Liz’s and tried to say:

Sonya - “It’s. Okay”

Then two small knives were thrown that destroyed the two robotic arms. Sonya spit out the remain of the robotic arms and her mouth was free. Confused, Sonya looked and saw Charlie, Vaggie and Angel Dust coming toward her.

Sonya - *gasps* “Guys!”

Charlie - *whispers* “Shh! Don’t worry sweetie we will get you out. The question is how?”

Angel Dust - “Don’t worry Princess I’ll already figure it out.”

Angel Dust use his second pair of arms and grabbed Sonya’s ankles. Angel was about to pull, but Vaggie stopped him.

Vaggie - “Do you literally have shits for brains? Are you trying to cause more pain to Sonya?!”

Angel - “Is there anything you suggest Vag-hag?”

Sonya - “Look I-“

Sir Pentious - “What’s going on in there?!”

Thinking quickly, Angel opened the doors opened the floor of the stage and hide. Vaggie climbed up the pole where the lights, and Charlie saw a clown costume. Getting an idea, Charlie quickly put on the costume and close the stage curtains. Sir Pentious, Lucius, and the Egg Bois came back into the stage room and saw the stage clown and the “clown”.

Charlie - *in a goofy voice* “Why hello there!”

Lucius - “Who are you?”

Charlie - “I’m uhh...Chuckles the clown! I’m here for the birthday boy party!”

Sir Pentious - “Strange. I don’t recall ordering a clown unless it was stupid minions of mine! *facepalm* ugh! They are stupider than I imagine. Anyway, what kind of clown are you? *threateningly* because if you are one those molester clowns you better not lay a finger on my nephew!”

Charlie - “Oh no no. I’m the happy clown that makes kids happy!”

Charlie began to do a goofy weird dance on stage. This leave the Egg Bois entertain while left Sir Pentious and Lucius confuses. While that was happening, Vaggie crawled on the top pole where Sonya was hanging. She hanged upside down and gently grabbed Sonya’s wrist and saw how deep impales the hooks where in her hands.

Vaggie - “Aw geez the hooks are really impaling in your hands.”

Sonya - “Please just do it! I can’t take any more of the torture.”

Vaggie - “I know the hooks and shocking must be really painful.”

Sonya - “Well yeah but wearing the dress is the real torture! And I don't care how painful to take out the hooks just get me out!”

Vaggie - “Hang on, kiddo.” Vaggie took a deep breath, and start pulling the first hook out and Sonya’s left hand. Vaggie managed to pull out the hook and Sonya managed not to scream, but a few tears slipped out. Her left hand was free but now had a hole and was bleeding more.

Vaggie - “It’s okay Sonya, just one more hook and your free.”

Sonya then gasps because she felt like somebody was holding her ankles. Vaggie and Sonya looked down to see Angel Dust halfway out the bottom stage door and holding on to her ankles.

Vaggie - “What are you doing?”

Angel Dust - “I’m getting the kid out what it looks like?”

Vaggie - “Hey I got everything under control.”

Angel Dust - Well you are taking too long. Plus I don’t think Charlie can keep up with the shitty clown act.”

Charlie was still doing some goofy dances. While the Egg Bois was laughing and enjoying it, Sir Pentious and Lucius was just confused.

Lucius - *whispers* “You think he’s a drunk clown or a drug addict clown?”

Sir Pentious - *whispers* “Not sure. They are always hard to tell. It could be both.”

Lucius - “Well this clown dance is weird.”

Sir Pentious - “Agreed. *yelling* Hey clown! Entertain my nephew!”

Sir Pentious threw an Egg Boi at Charlie. However Charlie caught it and began to juggle the egg boi.

Lucius - “Oh that’s cool!”

Sir Pentious - “Oh do you Huh? Hey clown! Juggle these!”

Sir Pentious threw lots of Egg Bois at Charlie as she tried her best to juggle them. Lucius was laughing and being entertain as Pentious kept throwing more egg Bois. Unfortunately, it was too many Egg Bois she had to juggle, and she ended up losing her balance and fell dropping the Egg Bois. Sir Pentious and Lucius laughed at the some of the Egg Bois ended up getting splattered. However, one Egg Boi, grabbed onto the curtain and tried to hold on but his gripped wasn’t strong enough to hold on. But it was strong enough to pull down the curtains. That when it reveals Vaggie and Angel Dust trying to free Sonya and they all had an “oh crap!” Look while Sir Pentious and Lucius looked shocked.

Now that they are caught, Angel Dust quickly pulled Sonya down. The good news is that freed Sonya’s from the chains. Bad news: while it did freed Sonya, the hook was still impaling to her hand and Angel Dust accidently slam her face to the ground. Angel Dust quickly pulled Sonya with him to the stage floor and close the door.

Lucius - “Those disgusting parasites are stealing my property!”

Sir Pentious - “Well don’t just stand there you duck shits! Get that gay parasite!”

Some of the Egg Bois grabbed long tasers stick and began to stick it on the stage ground. Angel Dust was holding Sonya in his second pair of arms and was dodging all the lasers. Angel kept dodging and even took out his gun to shoot them while holding Sonya.

Sonya - *impressed* “Whoa you’re really good!”

Angel - “Eh I work part time as a stripper before kid. This actually similar to this only I don’t have to take off my clothes.”

While that was happening, Vaggie jumped down stage and began to crush some of the Egg Bois that was coming toward her and using the tasers. Charlie quickly took off the clown costume and also began to fight back.

Sir Pentious - “Ah Princess. I should've known you were the jester because that all you are in hell!”

Charlie - “At least I’m not a try-hard wannabe like you!”

Lucius - “How dare you insult my Uncle like that!”

Lucius pressed a button on the table and lasers began to come out. It started to shoot Charlie and Vaggie, but they managed to dodge them and even use Egg Bois as shields.

Sir Pentious - “You added lasers? I taught you well my boy!”

Lucius - “Well I did learn from the best.”

However, Vaggie managed to destroy the laser gun by throwing a knife at it. Angel Dust managed to get himself and Sonya out of the bottom stage. Unfortunately, he tripped over a dead Egg Boi’s yolk and end up dropping Sonya. Sonya slid across the floor and two Egg Bois chained her up.

Lucius - “Your parasites should have known better to steal my property!”

Charlie - *angry* “Property?!”

Vaggie - “Sonya isn’t your property!”

Angel Dust - “Yeah! Charlie knew Sonya longer so she’s Charlie’s property.”

Sonya - “Not helping!”

Lucius - “Doesn’t matter. I choose and get what I want: And I choose Sonya as my property and that she is!”

Sir Pentious - “And somebody tries to get in my nephew’s way, they have to go through me!”

Sonya then managed to get up and swing the Egg Bois to the wall since they didn’t tighten the chains enough. Then Lucius noticed Sonya standing up and looking angry.

Lucius - “Don’t you know it’s unlady of you to fight! It’s my birthday and I order you to surrender.”

Sonya - “Surrender my ass! I don’t give a crap if it your birthday or bar mitzvah, I’m nobody's especially your property. All of the torture, you put me in a dress! Since you love puppets so much: Why don’t you be one!”

Sonya pulled the hook out of her right hand beside the pain and threw it at Lucius. The hook impales his shoulder and he was now stuck in the wall.

Lucius - *in pained* “Wow...this hook is pointy!”

Sir Pentious - “Lucius!”

Charlie - “And why don’t you join him!”

Charlie took out two Spears that Vaggie handed her and impales Sir Pentious’s arms and pinned him on the ground.

Angel - *amazed* “Whoa Princess that was impressive.”

Charlie - “Hey you messed with family, you get deadly consequences.”

Sir Pentious - “You will pay for this!”

Sonya - “Hey here’s a treat for you!”

Sonya took some cake and smashed it on Sir Pentious’s face. Then he walked up to Lucius and said:

Sonya - “Happy birthday your douchebag of a brat!”

Sonya smashes cake on Lucius face too. Then she and the others left the “party”. One of the Egg Boi just blew a party blower which Lucius angrily kicked him.

()()()()()()()()

At the hotel, Sonya was now back in her regular clothes since she keeps spare clothes at the hotel. Charlie was cleaning the wounds on Sonya’s hands and was wrapping it gauze bandages. Then Charlie was finished, and Sonya was feeling better.

Sonya - “Thanks for saving me guys.”

Charlie - “Anytime. How are you feeling?”

Sonya - “Well beside the terrible pain I felt getting shock, hooks impale in my hands, bang into walls, wearing a pink dress, and this could most likely scar me for life...I'm fine.”

Charlie hugged Sonya in comfort since spent the whole day getting tortured by one of her most hated enemies .

Charlie - “I’m just glad that you are okay. You know we would do anything to save you right?”

Sonya - *smiling* “Yeah I know.”

Vaggie - “I’m surprised that psycho brat didn’t come out.”

Sonya - “Well she felt like that was more of my battle. Plus my hands was still in pain so she couldn’t use her weapons and didn’t want to bring more pain when it comes to using the fists.”

Angel - “But what happened to Miss “I can escape Blindfolded?”

Sonya - “Hey I was knocked out! I was caught off guard.”

Vaggie - “Now we gotta know to be more careful. We can’t let that happen again.”

Sonya - “I know I mean I can’t be one of those wimpy damsels in distress girls. They are so annoying and useless.”

Charlie - “I understand that. But there’s nothing wrong for asking for help to get rescue once in a while.”

Angel - “Yeah I mean I even asked for help when Penny kidnapped me.”

Sonya - “He kidnapped you before?”

Angel - “Yeah. He tried to torture me, but all he did was turn me on if you know what I mean?”

Charlie - *uncomfortable* “Uhh right. *to Sonya* “What Angel is trying to say that is that even tough people like him and you, even Liz, would sometimes need help being rescue. And we would do anything to save you because we are two peas in a pod and family.”

Sonya - “Thanks Cousin Charlie. I would do the same too.”

Charlie and Sonya smiled and hugged each other. Charlie was happy that she rescued her cousin and Sonya knows her cousin and her new friends would come to rescue whenever she’s in trouble.

Hope you all like it!

#hazbin hotel #my fanfic #fanfic

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swayinghummingbirds · 5 years

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feeling a way because yesterday i found out my brother and his wife are having a baby. and idk. i didnt think that would be happening for a few years. nowim beside myself in a dark seasonal depression, this time last year we almost moved back to fl because i missed my mom and brother and hated living with treys family. instead we moved to knoxville a week before we werent to move back to fl. i had to move from pa to fl away from all of my family at the age of 11 and it was really really hard. and i hate that i just watched my little cousins grow up over the internet. and i still am. i hate the fact that everyone is getting older. one day they wont be here even to give a phone call to. i think about my grandparents. my parents. i watched my mom do exactly what i did and i hated her for it for years because she took me away from my family and everything i knew. and then i did it to myself. i wanted so badly to get out the town i was in because there were too many ghosts. i was stoned 24/7 and just full of disappointment. i do have to admit moving away helped me be able to get off of my antidepressants and now ive been very sober and am progressing at my job and making myself more vabluable and kind of making stronger relationships. sometimes i feel like ill never make a friend like kaylee again. it was just such a wholesome friendship that i miss so so dearly. i still dont have an actual friend here. i have one girl that i go to church with sometimes, shes my coworker. i feel like i dont want to make a friend because it just hurts. when i moved i didnt talk to anyone for like three months. and when i finally called my mom i just cried because i told her i felt like a disappointment. of course, i was still going through medication withdrawals but still. ive made so much progress with my mental health and spirituality. so much spirituality. its been so nice to not have someone else tell me what i should or shouldnt do. all my life id have someone in my ear whether it be family or a friend. just making my own decisions. being able to go to the store and just absolutely know i wont see anyone i know, its been a dream. but when i told my manager about becoming an aunt he said i was going to have such a great time being an aunt and went on to tell me how great it is to be an uncle and i just felt in the pits of my stomach how it felt to watch my family grow up with out me . and now if i stay here ill be doing it again. and i dont even know if ill have kids myself. sometimes i want to and other times i dont. today after work one of my favorite coworkers- id go as far to say shes probably my favorite person there and id call her my friend- was sitting in the cafe and she was crying so i sat down to talk to her and she just went on about the book she was listening to about pets and reincarnation and how they live their life and learn more and come again but she was upset because one of her cats is very old and she knows shes going to pass soon. and she tells me about how her roommates sister moved in with them and is just making her life hell. the sisters roommate doesnt like her dog, her plants, the way the furniture is. my coworker is probably over 60 years old and i just feel for her. at one point she had a house paid for had so much in the company but ended up quitting so she lost it all , she sold her house, doesnt really have any decent family she could be with. my other coworker who’s 72, is moving back to florida to be with his son. another one is thinking about moving to missouri to be his mom whos in her 70′s. my mom is going to be old one day and i dont think i want to wait that long to be able to see her often. i dont want to end up like her and her brother where they dont talk and when she does call he thinks somethings wrong. today my yogi tea tag read “life is a flow of love, your participation is requested” and i just am not sure i want this anymore. im going to be 25 in less than a month and life just keeps going and going and going. to be honest january and february are so hard for me. ive been having a hard time taking care of myself. i have no motivation to do anything. i havent had a full yoga session in over a month. i cant bring myself to cook for myself so ive been eating like shit. i take my vitamins but i know thats not sufficient. everyone i talk to are going to the gym and feeling better. i tried doing yoga today and i did a few thigns and had a little meditation which was nice, but then my neighbors started yelling at each other so i gave up and just came to my room and here i am typing this. which is very theraputic i needed to get it out somehwere but now i feel like im just wasting my life away sometimes. depression has crept back in and the sun is gone and i have no friends and no family here and my fiance and i are on opposite schedules for half the week so im just going to go to sleep maybe. if you actually read this- thanks and also sorry it wasnt meant to be read it was meant for typing it out of my mind. o rmore so so i could read it and give myself conversations and other thoughts about it all.

#blogging #long

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friednose · 6 years

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missing you comes in waves of memory stupid memory of things I can’t do with anyone else that nobody would understand stupid memorys of dumb roleplays that i loved stupid memroys of your voice get out of my fucking head why dont you just leave stop clogging my memory it just hurts its memorys from when it was good i want it to be good i want you to love me i just want your love your special love i dont want to give my love to anyone else i dont want you to love again yet i fall into another relationship with an ex I’m not happy I haven’t been happy in months I havent brushed my teeth sense you last told me too all my cuts are infected and I dont know what to do i dont have my little nurse girl anymore I think im around 95 pounds it hurts im in constant pain someone take me off this earth i shouldnt have left you despite you not loving me in the slightest because it felt better pretending you did i love you I love you I love you I love you love everything you hate about yourself its terrifying you know everything about me and you can do anything with that now you have no reason not too i think the only way to be friends is if you never even loved eachother in the first place maybe im wrrong idk i regret not touching you or hugging you i regret being dumb i love you idk how many times ive said that but it never loses meaning i have a bad memory you know this you know its weird you know i remember things at weird times when did it stop when did you stop loving me why i couldnt i fix it i shouldve fixed i shouldnt say this but i will i think id give up all my friends for you even Seth your not reading this and if you are you dont care I want answers to my questions I dont even know what i can do to fix this now im broken now you fixed me slow and broke me in a matter of around 3 months i have gotten next to no sleep i am always tired im failing almost all the classes imactually out during and its painful to eat everything hurts everything good reminds me of you so i start to throw up not even on purpose nobody cares about thispost though idont anyones reading it and I doubt theyll do or say anything if they do i dont really want anyone elses love despite everyone telling me thres so much other people in the world who could love me i dont care i want you i dont care i need you im working off all the foodd i eat during practie hoping to die of malnutrismatian eventually and nobody cares thats the fucking worst because i cant take care of myself i dont know how and i dont want i would pay someone to kill me rn because i dont have the motivation to do it myself i love you idk how many times ive said this ik i said that already your the best and worse thing that ever happened to me i deoned in you to ive and that wouldve been fine if you planned on staying i feel my bones i black out for two seconds when i stand up im always dizzy and tired at practice youree beautiful you know your brown eyes are beautiful i torture myself thinking about you every fucking day until i pass out at 5 and get up at 6:30 i need your voice i need a voice telling me it’ll be okay even if theyre lying i need you to promise me you wont leave me again i need you to actually stick to that promise i need to hear i love you too even if youre fucking bullshitting everything id rather live a lie then this if youve made it this far thanks what the fuck are you going to do now im not gonna kms so dont go telling tumblr staff idk live your life this post wont ever change anything and if this person i targeted this to is reading this then great what now babe @sinningdragonfromspace yep im tagging you calling you out i guess because i doubt you even go on tumblr anymore

#vent #depressed #alone #breakup #heartbreak #personal #lonely #missingher #missingyou

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punkscowardschampions · 5 years

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Carly & Ali

Carly: heard from drew? Carly: long shot Ali: Ha, good one Carls Ali: God no Ali: he's AWOL? Carly: yea Carly: gimme calebs number? Carly: longer shot Ali: 'Course but doubt they're chillin' Ali: and he might act like saying his name invokes him to pop up like a demon but you know Ali: Have you spoken to Meena? Surely he's keeping her in the loop Carly: shes not picking up Carly: to me Carly: same as my mum and dad Ali: That's not like her, she's probably just busy, keep trying Ali: As for your 'rents, where have they gone? And why do you need Drew so urgent? Gah, sorry, so many questions Ali: Just go with this one, are you okay? Carly: ive been trying ages Carly: shes not on spanish time idk why she cant answer Carly: idk wot to do Carly: how do i get it to stop ?? Ali: Spain's only an hour ahead of us anyway, not an excuse Ali: I'm 8 hours ahead and I've managed Ali: get what to stop babe Carly: the crying Carly: i cant think Carly: its all it does Ali: You've had the baby Ali: how long ago? did you go to the hospital? you need to if you haven't, like now Carly: what Carly: why would i go there Carly: its over with Ali: Because you both need to be checked over Ali: its really important Ali: have you birthed the placenta? Is it all out? If not you could die Ali: Never mind if there's anything wrong with the baby Ali: Call a cab and give me your deets, I'll transfer the money now Carly: that alien shit Carly: yea Carly: it screams healthy Ali: that is a good sign but there could be something you're missing, maybe that's why its screaming? better safe than sorry, they're not allowed to ask you about shit unrelated, so if you're high, sober up and then go, yeah? Ali: When did you last do a feed? Have you been able to? They'll show you how, it can be tricky Carly: id scream if i was born here Carly: gonna be stuck Carly: sober up? i need more Carly: shit hurts dont need to tell you Ali: They'll give you stuff at the Hospital Ali: why do you think anyone goes? Ali: and fo free baby gurl! please Carly: i cant Carly: gotta be hear for when my mum rings back Carly: & drew might come Ali: Give me your mums number and I'll tell her where you are Ali: then she can ring the hospital and they'll let you know Ali: I bet Drew has a key, no? Ali: Leave a note Carly: he left it when he went Carly: threw it at me Ali: Oh bab Ali: I'm sorry Ali: but you gotta focus on you Ali: and the baby now Ali: Not him, he knows where you are Ali: I can text him if you want, or try to call Ali: I swear nothing bad will come out of it Carly: but its his Carly: and i am Carly: he should be here Ali: But he isn't Ali: maybe he'll come back but you gotta keep going 'til he does, alright? Carly: i need to find him Ali: Not right now Ali: next step Ali: he's not lost, he doesn't want to be found Ali: i know that's harsh but its the truth Ali: he'll come back when he's ready, alright? Carly: what about me Carly: im not ready Carly: he doesnt care Carly: why should i Ali: he cares about himself Ali: AT LEAST do that Ali: if you can't the baby then the people at the hospital will help with that too Ali: you can't just leave it Ali: boy or girl? Carly: its a girl Carly: another one Carly: hes gonna be mad Ali: I don't think he's salty about not having a male heir babe Ali: If you really won't go...I'll do my best to tell you what I know and I'll send you links Ali: we'll do our best health check and then you've got to try to feed her, yeah? Is that okay? Carly: mad that shes here Carly: i said i wasnt having one Carly: you want me to read? cant hear myself think Ali: But you were Ali: and if you were doing it without protection then he was fully aware it was a possibility Ali: I'll voice memo you then Ali: it'll stop the crying Carly: he says its not his Carly: maybe not Carly: idk Carly: its got blood on it but could look like him when thats gone Ali: He said that to me when it definitely was so kind of his go to Ali: but even if it isn't, doesn't mean he has to be a dick to you about it Ali: Its not right regardless Ali: Especially not when you're alone Carly: how do i make it sleep Carly: im tired Carly: should i sing? Ali: That might help yeah Ali: Skin to skin to, that's comforting Ali: Lemme break down how you feed it, yeah? Hold on Carly: i cant pick it up what if i drop it fuck no Carly: gotta stay where it is Ali: You won't Ali: its your baby, its safer with you than it is on the floor Ali: get a towel, that'll keep it warm and put it to your chest Ali: [Sends 38 sec video] okay, if that's easier this vid shows you how but I'm here to talk you through Carly: all the towels are wet Carly: it can have my tshirt thats warm Ali: Good idea, see Ali: you know what you're doing Ali: you've got this Carly: its too small Carly: i have to put it back down Carly: ill hurt it Carly: fuming about me coming near it Ali: She's just hungry and confused Ali: Understandable, right? Dunno about you but I'd be pretty fucked off too if I'd just been pushed out my nice comfy home of the last 9 months Ali: You'll be her best friend in my time at all Carly: id put it back if i could Carly: whyd you wanna do this 3 times Ali: 'Cos I'm a bossy bitch and I want underlings to do my bidding and I get to tell 'em what to do Ali: speaking of, time for your masterclass Ali: get her and get comfy on the sofa or your bed or wherever is bed Ali: best Carly: k Carly: shes heavy wtf Ali: That's good! You did a good job cooking her then Ali: and if she's a lil chunk, this should be easier Carly: shes small but im sleepy Ali: you can both take a snooze when this is done, usually conks 'em right out Ali: is your tiddy out? Carly: knew you fancied me Ali: you know Ali: getting in there while your defenses are down Carly: im single Carly: you too Ali: Lets do it mama Ali: cutest fam ever? i think so Carly: shes not cute like yours Carly: weird coloured thing Ali: she's probably covered in the gunk and pink from screaming her head off Ali: no ones finest hour i bet she's beautiful Carly: ill get it to take a selfie Ali: yay! get it on the nip 'cos i gotta see my boo too 😍 Ali: line her nose up with your nip, kinda tickle her top lip with it, she should open her mouth wide Ali: then you can shove it in Carly: done that before Carly: weird Carly: [Sends pic of tiny baby Indie] Carly: does she look like him idk Ali: Definitely Ali: Looks a bit like Edie Carly: ill send him the pic Carly: probs should take a better one Carly: how do i look? Ali: Like you've just given birth Ali: so a goddess Ali: but a knackered one Carly: youve got a fetish Carly: cant trust that Ali: me??? Ali: didn't impregnate myself Ali: look at Caleb! Carly: and drew Carly: wont see him Ali: Clearly its his thing too Ali: but he's more about the before than after yeah Ali: he can't stay away forever Ali: he wouldn't leave Meena Carly: youre smart Carly: if i go there he cant avoid me Ali: Exactly Ali: Camp out Ali: Ana will help you with the baby shit if you like Carly: why Carly: she doesnt know me Ali: Because she's a good person Ali: plus she's a social worker, it what she do Ali: and she knows Drew better than most, she raised him Ali: worth a shot Carly: shes not his mum Carly: but she can take this kid Ali: yeah she's better than Ali: is that what you want? Ali: she'll discuss it with you, make sure you both get what's best Carly: im not talking to her Carly: she can take it or not Ali: No one will just take her with no questions asked Carls Ali: for your welfare and the kids Carly: im not answering a social workers questions Ali: They're not entitled to judge you Ali: She won't Ali: and as far as drugs are concerned, if you want to give the baby up then literally none of their business at all after that Ali: and if you did decide to keep her then they work with you Ali: they're not gonna just shop you, it ain't like that Carly: make me go to rehab is how its like Carly: fuck no Ali: They can't make you Ali: there's no point Ali: you can only get sober if that's what you want Carly: my mum and dad'll make me Carly: i know theyre gonna Ali: well, where the fuck are they now? Ali: if they're so concerned about you they'd be here Ali: actually supporting you Carly: theyll come when they find out about her Carly: i never told them Ali: Good, I hope they do Ali: but how did that happen Ali: how could I see and they didn't Ali: or Drew Carly: they dont come back Carly: drew did see thats why he left Ali: yeah but they must talk to you Ali: your mum has obviously been there how did she not clock something being up Ali: and not soon enough in Drew's case Carly: i call them if i need money Carly: they gotta think its why im calling now Ali: When do they call you? Carly: if i call and they didnt pick up Carly: unless theyre busy Ali: I see Ali: how's she doing? done feeding? Carly: sleeping Carly: how are yours? Ali: best feeling ever, right? Ali: much the same, its late here Ali: I'm pulling an all-nighter lowkey, finishing up some work Carly: i miss junie Carly: whatever your on for it gimme some Ali: i'd be creepy and snap him sleeping but no doubt the flash would wake his highness Ali: he misses you too, i'll get him to facetime Carly: aw Carly: go work bitch Carly: i shouldnt kept you this long Ali: don't be daft Ali: queen of multitasking Ali: and not just junie who misses you is it Ali: #massiveLESBIANcrush Carly: my tits are gonna go down Carly: snap me up now Ali: Trying, like Ali: make it facebook official Ali: that'll get the lads attention ey Ali: why else do it Carly: yea Carly: my parents too probs Carly: lapsed catholics Ali: be on the next plane over to get you back on the dick like Ali: i'll get on it #longdistancelesbians Ali: my ex gonna be so mad Carly: mine too Carly: wtf am i gonna do Carly: I dont want him to be an ex Ali: even though he's fucked you over like this? Carly: i fucked him over first Carly: i lied Ali: not really Ali: if anything, you lied to yourself Ali: but you didn't wanna hear it, couldn't Ali: and that makes sense Carly: cant block it out any more Carly: fuck Ali: it gets really real really fast Ali: doesn't it Ali: but you have got this Ali: i've got you, however i can, yeah? Carly: i dont want it to be Carly: i dont want it Carly: i cant do this Ali: okay, that's okay too Ali: but she isn't going to just go Ali: whether it was getting an abortion earlier or what you have to do now Ali: you have to do something Ali: there's no quick fix for it Ali: ana can get you in touch with the right people who will make it as easy as they can for you and her Ali: or my mum Carly: if i leave her she'll get found Carly: why does nobody ever call me back wtf Ali: Yeah but they'll still try to find you Ali: or Drew Ali: and his DNA will be on the system so Ali: and I reckon if they got to him, he'd sell you out Ali: when's the last time you slept? Carly: idk Carly: what day is it Ali: Tuesday Carly: sunday Carly: saturday Carly: idk Ali: fuck girl Ali: you shoulda been banking up on it before Carly: ha Carly: easy fix Carly: need my dealer Ali: not if your gonna be breastfeeding Ali: unless he gonna bring formula too Carly: i can go myself for that Carly: get a car Ali: you getting enough cash in, yeah? Carly: ha no Carly: no student loans for this bitch Ali: you'll have to look into getting help with that Ali: there's funds and shit, i'll find out the info Ali: that or tap Drew up for child maintenance Carly: yea cos hes declaring his earnings Carly: i wish hed talk to me Ali: exactly, bribe him like Ali: he's got a lot to lose Carly: hed never forgive me Carly: i cant Ali: but you can forgive him for all he does? Ali: got it bad honey Carly: yea Carly: its fucked Ali: is there anything he could do to make you stop loving him Carly: idk Carly: why Ali: cos you'd be happier if you didn't Ali: right Ali: like, he treats you like shit Carly: i wasnt happy before Carly: & he hasnt this whole time Carly: it got bad Carly: me too Ali: but you could be Ali: you don't have to give up hope of ever being Ali: and he did for the majority of the time though, that should outweigh the good Carly: with what Carly: this kid Carly: im not you Ali: no Ali: of being happy Ali: with just you Ali: or someone else who treats you better Carly: i dont have a job or friends here and i live in a caravan Carly: not gonna happen Ali: you can get both Ali: you're cool Carly: ha Carly: youre dreaming Carly: fucked the allnighter Ali: i'm not the only one Ali: and why not? Carly: drew says im a junkie Ali: what does he know Ali: and anyway, functioning junkie Ali: shits possible Carly: he knows me Carly: he loved me til i fucked it Ali: you haven't DONE anything Ali: a baby happened to you BOTH Ali: you're both reacting, right or wrong now, whatever Ali: and he probably still does but Ali: love ain't always enough Carly: why are you my friend? Ali: I said, you're cool Ali: funny, smart, nice, you already know i fancy you so no need to kiss arse any more, yeah? Ali: you're SO friendable, babe Carly: shoulda fallen for you Ali: yeah well, the tragedy of being straight and feelings not following logic Ali: sometimes, you gotta fuck feelings tho, do right by yourself Carly: i dont feel anything when he isnt here Carly: nothing happens Carly: cept today Ali: make stuff happen Ali: its only chaos darling Carly: youre not here either Carly: what am i gonna make happen on my own Carly: this shit Carly: idk Ali: what do you wanna make happen Ali: anything, however unlikely you think it is Carly: i want him to come back Carly: my parents too Carly: but none of them are Ali: can't control other people nah but you can do all YOU can to make it happen Ali: what would make him come back? who would he wanna be with? and you can try to talk to your 'rents and tell them what is up...longshot but maybe they don't realise how shitty they're being Carly: they're not Carly: theyre busy Carly: and im not a kid Ali: busy with what? Ali: living it up in spain? Ali: they kept you, you're their kid for life Ali: they don't get to peace at 16, 18 whatever the fuck Carly: they didnt vanish Carly: i know where they are Ali: yeah but they should be here rn Ali: you need them Ali: maybe if you ask, when they answer, they will come back Ali: i'm not slagging on 'em, its just facts Carly: i dont want to go live in spain Carly: fact is theyll try and force me Ali: well, they can't make ya, tell them why you wanna stay here Ali: they could still be supportive Ali: even if they're not physically with you every day like Carly: they wont let me stay for him Ali: okay...make something more parent friendly up then Ali: what they don't know won't hurt 'em Carly: youre so smart Ali: so i've been told Ali: with varying levels of sarcasm Carly: yea Carly: same Ali: You are though Ali: One of the many reasons we get along Carly: youre such a mum Carly: bigging me up like Ali: s'what i do best right Ali: shoulda been a cheerleader, fucking irish schools not letting me shine Carly: thats what schools do best Carly: be shit Ali: true dat Ali: even if my uni is pretty swish Ali: and full of nerds like me Carly: looks it Ali: still, miss the homeland like Carly: switch places Carly: shes crying again what does she want this time Carly: headfuck Ali: think its a bit too early for her to have shat, maybe wee but Ali: probably wanting her next feed Ali: you do it roughly every 2 hours for the first month Carly: ffs Carly: howd you get anything done with 3 of them Ali: ask myself the same question Ali: luckily they're not all on the tit 'cos form an orderly queue lads Carly: not getting my tit out again Ali: its that or formula run to get her to stop crying Carly: i cant put her in the car Carly: she'd fall out Ali: that solves that then honey Ali: get 'em out get 'em out get 'em out Carly: perv Ali: 🤷 Ali: single mum, gotta get my kicks where i can yo Carly: get fucked Carly: not offering Carly: one of the nerds would be up for it Ali: no need to tell me Ali: desperation station Ali: bless 'em Carly: do you go to class with your shoulders and knees out Ali: its boiling here, not even trying to be a shameless hussy Ali: can't be swooning erryday, got places to be, shitty bums to wipe Carly: yea Carly: cant steal that excuse myself Ali: sadly not Ali: can use breastfeeding though Ali: you're just out here feeding ya kid, looking hot as a by-product, fight me world Carly: don't Carly: how is this happening Carly: im looking at her and idk Ali: i can't believe you did it all by yourself Ali: you're a right tough nut Ali: but you don't have to keep doing it alone Carly: but i have to do something Carly: wtf Ali: yeah, keep both of yas alive until you figure out your next step Carly: make it sound simple Ali: 'course Ali: i'll allow you some melodrama but i can't claim hormones as hard Carly: u can Carly: and homesickness Ali: alright, lets have a good sob Carly: this kids done enough Carly: has you beat bitch Ali: rude Ali: already winning fresh out the womb Carly: what you naming it Carly: said you would Ali: you're serious? Carly: idc Ali: probs think on that a bit longer, whether you wanna name her or nah Ali: but my lists be ready don't fret Carly: k

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lilacflamesss · 7 years

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Hi. I don't like ayahina but i think the anon went to far in calling it triggering. but I dont think that ayahina is as healthy as you seem to put it either. I dont like the ship because I think hinami shouldnt be with ayato. he is not healthy for her. hinami is innocent and pure. she's caring and she has never killed or wished any harm on anybody. ayato is the complete opposite. i don't hate ayato. i really like him. but his development cannot change his past and the kind of person he is -c-

he kills and he enjoys it. he has hurt people (his own sister!!!) and kind people like banjou have suffered under him. it’s something that cannot change. i think for hinami, it’s important that she’s around people who are just like her and are pure and innocent. ayato is not healthy for her because he’s a bad person in general, no matter how kind and supportive he is. he’s a bad sort of influence in her life. aogiri was in general and to her, ayato is a connection to that past, i think. -c-

and when ishida made hinami go back to aogiri and to ayato for comfort it is him showing how damaging the situation is to hinami. so bad that she needs to turn to the bad part of her life for help. it’s because the ‘good’ part of hinami’s life is causing her pain now. and i think the moment she finds herself able to find comfort in people like kaneki and touka again, she will not need ayato anymore. because he stands for what she isn’t. does this make sense? -c-

it is like returning to unhealthy coping mechanisms just because we think it is good for us. something like that. basically my point is that ayato is an 'evil’ person because he has killed and he continues to kill and he shows no remorse for it. he’s really quick to rush in to fight people he considers enemies and he doesn’t show mercy. (his profile says he likes brawls i think that is important) and hinami is the complete opposite of this. her influence on him is good -c-

he became a better person, but he still kills and hurts people. but ayato’s influence on hinami isnt good. she takes part in fights now and she doesnt stop it, but in the past she stopped touka from killing mado. i am sorry this took so long. it is something i have wanted to say but im scared of getting hate from shippers. i dont want to hate or be mean. i hope you understand. i still love your fics because you write well. but you only write ayahina ;; thank you so much if you read this fully

Anon this is SO LONG. But I want to thank you because even ifyou don’t like Ayahina, I don’t mind your message at all because it is reallynice of you to remain calm. And it’s so much better than sendingbaseless hate because you actually explain yourself. So even though you’recriticizing Ayahina, thank you for providing me with an interesting perspective.But given that, I am sorry but I have to disagree with you on this.

Yes, Ayahina might not be a healthy ship in terms of how we mightdefine it in everyday terms. I mean I have had people saying to me that hestill kicked her before to protect her and that’s not a thing you should do. I’mnot going to argue with any of this because it’ll take too long but I’ll justsay that I think it’s important to realize that the TG universe provides adifferent kind of environment than what most of us are used to.

You talk a lot about how Hinami shouldn’tbe with Ayato because he is too wrong for her since he had killed before andall. And you say that he represents a bad part of her life while people likeTouka and Kaneki represents the good part of her life. But I just want to askyou, how exactly is Ayato any different from Touka and Kaneki? Touka has killedbefore and she still kills people now— ie. when she saved Tsukiyama and whenshe was in Cochlea. Kaneki continues to kill as well. Ayato feels no remorsetowards his victims, but neither does Kaneki. In fact, he showed more sympathyto ghouls back when he was Haise than he does now. Let’s not forget Kanekitortured Ayato when he broke his bones. I know it’s not as bad as what Kanekihad gone through but it was still torture and Ayato was still a child. He wasHinami’s age. Kaneki showed no remorse for this and instead went on to justifyhimself by saying that Touka has gone through more pain. You might find mebiased but, I don’t think that’s how you should really treat a child. Idk. Imean Ayato was pretty much already defeated and shaken up by the conversation.Anyway, I’m not here to discuss the 103 bones scene. Basically my point isthat, Hinami’s past is filled with violent ‘murderers’ and she grows up aroundthem in Anteiku, the 6th Ward, Aogiri and now Goats. This makesAyato no different from any of them. Sure, Ayato might have killed a lot ofpeople because he was in Aogiri and he might tend to derive a little enjoymentfrom it when he was younger, but so had others. Tsukiyama and Nishiki did. AndI’m guessing you count them as under the ‘good’ part of Hinami’s life as well, right?

Ayato wasn’t a bad influence in herlife. In fact I think he was a good influence on her, just like she was withhim. Being in Aogiri and with Ayato hadn’t changed Hinami as a person. She’sstill the same nice, kind Hinami who puts others before her. But it has madeher a stronger person and it has given her the courage and confidence to fightto protect the people she loves. There’snothing wrong with this. Sure, she fights now but Hinami has only ever usedkagune to protect rather than to hurt. She wasn’t badly influenced at all.

I think you’re somewhatmisinterpreting Ayahina’s relationship. That’s how I see it at least. Ayato isn’ther connection to Aogiri when she was in Goats. He’s her connection to Toukaback when she was in Aogiri. Which is why the first thing she comments on whenthey met was that he reminds her of Touka and which we have her confirmingagain in the novel. She goes back to Aogiri because she wants to seek the strengthshe once sought when she joined— that is true. But the reason she brings Ayatois simply because she feels better with him. In the first place, in Re, Ayatowas associated less with Aogiri than he was in TG (in Aogiri arc he was the ‘face’of the organization for readers and I remember Ishida saying in Zakki that heended up redrawing the picture of them because he wanted Ayato to be moreprominent). His plot in Re was about breaking away from them, he doesn’t appearin any Aogiri ‘group pictures’ and as time went on, he appeared less and lessin omakes with them. It’s unlikely that he’d represent Aogiri to Hinami becausehow is that possible when he himself is no longer associated with it. When Aogiri was at it’s final stand, Ayato was with his sister, Yomo and Banjou trying to save Hinami after abandoning Aogiri.

Her going back to Aogiri doesindicate a flaw in Goat and that’s the fact that she was unable to find comfortin the adults of the series and the people who were involved in the Madoincident with her— you know, people who could relate to her over that specificissue. So she turns to Ayato because she knows she can find comfort. She’s notusing his as a substitute. It’s because of how close they are, she knows hewill be there to support her. And he did. He didn’t say anything about how hethinks she should act (Kaneki seems to think she should save Akira). Ayato justlets her all out and that’s a really good way of dealing with people.Sometimes, just being silent and letting someone voice everything out and maybeproviding a little physical comfort is better than imposing what you think onthe person in distress. And Ayato does this well. He just silently reaches tocomfort her.

Even if they’re not in a romanticrelationship, these two are REALLY GOOD FRIENDS. And I think that whether ornot she settles her issues with Kaneki and Touka wouldn’t change that. Wouldyou abandon a friend entirely just because you managed to settle problems withyour old friends? I mean, if you do then you’re scum and we know Hinami isn’t thiskind of person.

I think there are more similaritiesthan differences between them. Both Ayato and Hinami were broken, lonely kidswho were forced into a world they were too immature and naïve to deal with.Hinami was manipulated in joining Aogiri by Eto and she obviously didn’t reallylike it there. I personally always thought that Ayato was somewhat manipulated andbrainwashed as well. Because when he grows up it’s obvious he doesn’t see theworld the same way either.

It’s just that despite the sameissues they were dealing with (ie. losing their parents at a young age, beingforced into such a world alone, not being able to find comfort and guidance inthe adults around them) they just managed them in different ways. Ayato takeseverything out on the world and Hinami chooses to bottle everything in and bearwith it in silence. Both are damaging, especially when you’re as young and immatureas them. But it feels to me that together, they were probably able to ease eachother’s burden because even if they can’t resolve the other’s issues, theloneliness they felt was eased. They’re not alone anymore because there’ssomeone beside who’s going through the same thing.

Ayato is not an ‘evil’ person. Ithink that deep down, he’s actually a really good person. The Ayato we wereintroduced to was a shell, in a sense? It was something he put up as an act toappear strong and to ease his own fears and worries about being weak. He’s kindand he cares for people but to him, these are all signs of weaknesses becauseit’s stuff his father used to exhibit. It isn’t who he truly is. He has allalong been the same Ayato who would run back for his pet bird even when hislife was on the line. It was the same with Hinami. He tried to run back to hereven though it was dangerous because she’s important to him. And yes, he hasdone terrible things at the earlier stage in his life but it doesn’t make him a badguy because his heart is in the right place. He just chose a wrong path andbecause of that made terrible mistakes and for a short while kinda losthimself? But that’s not the case anymore.

You pointed out that Hinami hasn’t stoppeda fight anymore and that’s true. But this case is different because they’re atwar in a way. She cant just go to the middle and announce a ceasefire. Hinamiis supporting the Goats. But she still hasn’t killed for her own sake. Whichwas what the issue with Mado was about— she doesn’t want to kill for revenge.

And there’s this part I findinteresting and that’s the fact that among everyone involved in the Clown Raid-Lab mission Ayato is the only one who wasn’t involved in a fight and instead hedragged Kaneki away from one. Even Hinami was involved by commanding the fight andsupporting the White Suits. It’s just an important point to add on to his developmentthat no one seemed to have pointed out.

Also, his profile seems to imply helikes RABBITS (only rabbits iswritten like this, with the caps and bold in the official English translation)a lot more than brawls. And it’s just brawls. Come on, the kid likes to fight alittle. It’s not like it’s said he likes to kill. I seriously wonder if he doesn’thave any remorse, honestly. Because we’ve never actually had him sayinganything about it, especially recently. He seems to not want Hinami to dirtyher hands so we know that he sees it as something that is wrong. I feel like he’sprobably so used to it that he sees no longer thinks much about killing. Becausehe’s been immune to it after killing so much in the past. And because of how hewas, I don’t think this is entirely his fault.

The part about him doing all thedirty work for her shows how good he is for her. Because Ayato can easily justslowly get her to kill and teach her how to do it. But he doesn’t do that andhe takes on the task of doing it for her sake. He openly expresses how hethinks Aogiri is damaging for her and implies that she shouldn’t stay there.And I think these are all genuine bits to show how Ayato really is a goodperson to be around Hinami because he cares and wants what’s best for her. I feel like it’s because she had him, she was ableto make it through. And I’m sure Hinami feels that way as well, which was whyshe wanted to honestly express her gratitude to him in the novel (AND MAKE HIMHAPPY OMG).

I probably didn’t finish answeringall your points and I’m sorry. But I think that basically, just know that Ayatois not wrong for Hinami. He’s good enough for her because she’s not the perfectprincess and he’s not the worst scum. And even if you don’t ship them, it’sokay! But it’s important to note that as of right now, Ayato is Hinami’s strongestsupport and I think that says something!

Also, anon, you are really sweet!And I’m so thankful you’re so kind. You can read my writings. If you don’t wantto read Ayahina, you can just request whatever you want me to write! Once AyahinaWeek has ended I will get right to my other requests. I wrote Hidekane and Akiramon before as well and I wrote one fic focused on Urie. You could check them out. And I’m glad you managedto express your opinions on my blog. Don’t worry about getting hate from me. Ifyou’re nice and civil, I’ll be the same as well. Really, thank you so much!

#im so happy i got a nice anon #tg #answers

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intothespideyverses · 7 years

Text

what I imagine going down next season (as a result of everything that happened in sesson 3) warning for discussion of suicide/self-harm:

SHINY

-ok since the whole sex subplot was never really resolved (they SAID they talked but we didnt see shit so) I think this would be a good time to introduce ace!Shay. Now another part of me would also like for shiny to have sex just so esme could stop fucking with m'daughter's head but shay seemed way too opposed to the idea of sex in general (and not in a nervous way, but in a "why would I ever have sex?" kinda way). And maybe once Shay's comfortable with being ace she can just deck esme right in the nose idc idc idc she had it coming! Fuck a $230 skirt bih! Tiny would be weirded out and probably disappointed at first but bc he’s literally the perfect bf he'd come around eventually. Hopefully they could highlight that there are ways to be intimate in a relationship w/o having sex. I just want shiny happiness and for people (lola up until she apologized, esme) to stop going out of their way to make shay feel so insecure and then getting mad at her when she reacts to their bs.

-speaking of which as much as I hate to see her miserable I think shay needs an angsty storyline. She solves her problems so quickly and efficiently, we never even see the emotions she must be going through. i don’t think her being ace would cause her too much stress, she'd do her research for a bit, have a fight with tiny about it (maybe even suggest to keep the relationship open, which would offend tiny) but other than that the real source of angst would come from esme. lets say esme finds out, y’all already know she would never let shay hear the end of it. that, on top of esme being EVERYWHERE and the two of them competing to be both the smartest and most athletic girl in school, would probably really get to shay's psyche. maybe esme goes too far one day, and shay just says fuck it and throws hands?? or maybe she breaks her phone?? idk something rly impulsive bc shay doesn't normally make impulsive decisions. of course esme makes shay out to be the irrational one and shay tries to quit the track team, her grades start slipping, etc etc. esme gets bored without having someone to compete against, or maybe she notices the change in shay's demeanor (and bc of maya’s suicide attempt and her mom) is afraid she pushed shay over the edge. they talk after class one day, esme still being bitchy but by the end a little teary eyed. I think their talk would be reminiscent of anya and holly j in season 8?? 9?? where anya was all like "why are you so mean to me" and hj's like "bc u let me bitch :)" so esme CLEARLY isn't gonna take any real responsibility for bullying shay but shay decides that shes NOT gonna be the bigger person for once. Idk how this would end but I definitely want shay to be more confident by the end, and for esme to learn when to stand down.

-Tiny's line about shay just seeing him as a "good nerd boy" rly stuck out to me. How much does shay know about tiny's past?? This definitely has to be brought up at some point, and I really thought the show would've mentioned that but w/e. Shay probably knows SOMETHING about the gang stuff but not how far it goes, or his family, etc. Tiny has an image that he keeps from everyone else but saves only for shay, which is adorable (they have boggle ((is that like scrabble???)) dates...need me a freak like that) but at some point shays gonna have to see the rest of him. Tiny is tired of shay assuming so much about his intentions too. That and shay not wanting sex period will (in my vision for s4) definitely be the biggest conflicts for shiny, but they'll work through them quickly bc unlike every other couple on this show they actually know how to communicate :)

-also how does tiny feel about the crash?? he looked all the way fucked up when they rushed him into the hospital so...he has to have some sorta trauma from that come on now

TRILES/MOLA

-this is gonna be messy lol. triles and mola are two very polarizing ships so we already kno theres gonna be some mess once tristans back at school. tristan may have been all "okay w/e idc" at the play but we all know once his petty ass is able to speak he's gonna go out of his way to make lolas life living hell. its truly gonna be slutshaming for days, and lets not forget the biphobia. he wont really direct any anger at miles, except tight-lipped quickly concealed bitterness. i can already picture these scenes yall like this is literally what is gonna happen WATCH.

-miles is of course gonna still feel guilty about the whole knocking her up thing, and he rly does love her and values her friendship (their friendship was so cute) so he's gonna want to keep hanging out with her (it’ll start off with just checking up on her every now and then like craig after manny’s abortion, but it’ll grow to miles getting an actual job at lola’s, etc). tristan will be okay with this on the surface but as soon as he and lola are alone (maybe tris is @ the hollingsworth household while lolas there for frankie or hell even miles and miles leaves to get some snacks or something) tristan just lays into her!! on some "you were NOTHING to him" shit. on some "you tried to trap him with a baby" shit!! some “he never loved you, just pitied you” shit!!!! and then tris is all back to smiles the second miles comes back. lola’s on the verge of tears but keeps this to herself cause she doesnt want to start drama so soon after tristan coming back and bc she loves miles too much etc etc. miles of course eventually finds out, and he and tris have the fight of the century where it ALL comes out.

-now I just read a list of PERFECT mola headcanons (by @beach-city-mystery-girl!) that should definitely happen throughout the season! idk if triles will stay together or if mola becomes official but at some point someones gonna be all "make. a. DECISION" at miles so!!

-lola should also find value in being alone and being comfortable with herself. she and yael become genuine friends (bc she needs someone outside of frankie and shay and miles) and form a weird almost symbiotic relationship where they give each other advice on things the other lacks. baaz flips between trying to flirt with her and making insensitive comments about her abortion. lola finally sets him straight for once and for all.

-maybe something goes down at the restaurant? idk I just started caring about lola’s existence yesterday idk how this goes

-I think frankie eventually finds out that miles and lola hooked up, idk how but she does and she’s not happy about it yikes.

-actually after just reading another great post (by tristanmiligay), a lot of tristan’s insecurities could also lie in the fact that he’s disabled now. maybe miles rly wants to get tris up on his feet again and do something FUN and EXCITING but homeboi literally just got out of a coma and can’t make it, so I can see miles asking lola to go instead (like maybe its a couples thing and he already reserved it or w/e) and that kinda sets tristan off the first time. he’ll probably try to force himself to heal faster, maybe even injuring himself further in the process? he’s gonna have a lot of self-doubt and internalized ableism like the post said :/, and all of that is gonna manifest in hate for lola.

ZASHA/GRONAH (is that what we're calling it??)

-okay so this section is kinda tied into the maya section and rly just centered around grace so yeah. but thats mainly bc there wont rly be any drama between zasha (except like normal preparing for college type stuff, like zoe wants to go to some rly good school far away and rasha wants to stay in toronto bc she just got there).

-zoe's pretending to be fine with getting kicked out but its absolutely destroying her on the inside. she and her mom were so close despite everything. zoe starts going thru mad identity issues bc everything about her was sculpted by her mom. if shes not in her life anymore then who is she? she keeps replaying "i love you despite who you are" in her head and its killing her. she sometimes sneaks out of grace's room at night and leaves voice messages on her moms phone (which ms. Rivas never responds to) and ends every night crying on the couch. grace grows super concerned for her but has no idea how to balance both helping maya out and helping zoe. one day at school grace tries to confront zoe about the voicemails but zoe brushes it off and says something cute like "being with rasha makes it all worth it" but grace is still like 👀.

-grace then moves on to trying to help maya but maya is sick and tired of everyone walking on eggshells around her and she tells grace shes fine and that she needs to back off, but grace knows somethings still off. later that day she spots zoe in the student council office trying to call her mom and leaving an angry voicemail, ripping mama rivas to shreds!! "you were never a good mother, a mother who cant love her own daughter shouldnt even be having kids, i hate you, go to hell" type of shit. at the last minute she realizes she doesnt mean half of that (or she does mean it but that scares her) and tries to backtrack but by then the voicemail's already been sent. zoe starts freaking out and crying again and leaves another one like "im sorry I didnt mean any of that please just let me come back. Im sorry, im sorry, im sorry" like just saying sorry over and over again, and grace finally steps in like "sorry for the voicemail or sorry for being gay?" and confronts zoe again. zoe tries to get the attention off of her by asking about maya and grace is like "she's 'fine' just like how you're 'fine'. cut the bs binch" or whatever and zoe breaks all the way down, but before grace can comfort her she sees maya and esme fighting outside the office and she runs out to stop it. zoe, now that shes alone and still crying, contemplates self harming again (im gonna end this here cause this is long enough I deadass would write this whole episode if I could)

-anyway juggling between her upcoming surgery, college apps, and two lowkey suicidal best friends, grace is stressed tf out. this is where gronah steps in lol. i dont care much about jonah but i do know hes much more interesting and likeable when he's with grace. he gives her advice and shit and they go on a bunch of golfing dates, grace maybe takes him to yoga or something, they help each other with college apps, and well gronah happens! jonah basically goes from boring to manic pixie dream boy who tries to show grace that life is worth living and blah blah yall know the drill

-rasha needs a plot outside of zoe and i think her pursuing acting could be a thing!! she goes out to casting calls but every director says something along the line of "we just...envisioned someone else for the role" or "we dont rly think you'd...fit" bc shes muslim and then the one time she gets picked up for a student film, its about a terrorist attack and rasha doesnt realize until she shows up to rehearsal. she goes off on the director (and reminds her that most terrorist attacks are domestic lol) and runs off to goldi and they talk. maybe she tries to write her own webseries (probably with the help of winston) and it becomes a hit!! maybe we could have a probably cheesy as hell famous youtuber plot (and vijay gets jealous lol) and they have some sorta subscriber war where everyones taking sides. baaz, yael, and hunter try to sabotage rasha's show and bc our girl loves scheming she hits them back even harder :).

-also maybe we find out what happens to her friend back in syria? i dont want her to have too many depressing plots so maybe her friend is okay physically but not mentally and she has to deal with that :(

MAYA

-so like I already said maya's done with everyone bullshitting her and being overbearingly nice, so she starts closing herself off. this just makes everyone even more worried tho, so she forces herself back into music and her studies. grace and jonah are all over her, zig always looks guilty as fuck and treats her like a baby, miles forgot she existed but if they pass each other in the hall he'll ask how shes doing, zoe hugs her randomly one day, and esme...esmes the worst one. she starts lowkey stalking maya and its getting on her last nerve.

-she avoids saad like the plague at first, but eventually realizes that he's the only person who doesnt treat her any differently (or so she thinks). they go to the roof one day (cause that shit is never locked no matter how many suicide attempts happened up there) to talk things out, and saad completely switches gears. "what were you thinking??? why would you do that???" type of stuff. maya gets mad at him talks shit about his pictures maybe, idk. saad reminds her that its a coping mechanism after everything that happened in syria, maybe he says he once contemplated too?? idk all the ideas I have are depressing moving on

-one day maya explodes on everyone after she dissapears for a bit (umm maybe she was chosen to perform a song at a school event but, after hearing some girls talking about her suicide attempt in the bathroom, she decides to ditch) bc everyone (grace, jonah, zig, esme, zoe maybe) gang up on her to check if shes okay. she goes off, saying "none of you cared before i tried to kill myself so why care now?" and idk where I was going with this, I want maya happiness and closure but idk how to get there smh.

-uhh she finds hoot! she goes home after school and finds hoot stuffed in the back of her closet. she writes a bittersweet song and after a long talk with her mom, decides to call grace. maybe grace invites her over for a sleepover?? and zoe and maya can finally have a real conversation since The Incident too! Also grace can kinda kill 2 birds with one stone.

FRANKIE'S ANNOYING ASS

-I cant stand this child but shes the writers' baby so she'll get at least 5 main plots next season oh my god. My wishful thinking speaking, but maybe she'll learn its okay to be alone and finally learn to like herself! Hopefully she sees the value in sticking to the sidelines and helping her friends through their issues. Ooh, maybe she learns how to be a good ally after gorillagate and educates her brothers on why their many intolerances are wrong (lbr here, hunter probably uses "triggered" as an insult and continues to call all the refugees "scary", same with miles) BUT come on this is degrassi :) so the writers are probably gonna throw in a new male character for frankie to obsess over. Well, either a newbie or someone completely random thats already in the cast like fucking baaz or saad.

Z*SME

-zig and esme spend a lot of their time obsessing over maya I think, esme bc she sees her mom in maya and zig bc he feels like he made her do it. umm noah fence but i dont rly care about these two so thats all I got lol

if anyone has any specific headcanon requests I’d love some!

#you can clearly see who my faves are smh #degrassi #degrassi next class #dnc spoilers

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jess-oh · 7 years

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Reflection

Hello blog,

it’s been a while. I really hope and pray that no one reads this anymore or at least doesn’t read this post. So if you are reading this, please skip over it. I don’t care if it’s in the future and this is an old post. Skip it. Please.

Just me? Okay cool.

So....i’ve got a lot on my mind and they arent necessarily all good. i think ive been struggling with indentity issues lately and figuring out who i am and who i want to be. i really like michaela and i just got back from playing D&D with her and her friend and i honestly had a good time! but on my way there, i was questioning myself. i thought about how much alcohol we would drink and how much i would just shrug it off and say that it’s fine. when it really wasnt. i was uncomfortable and past me would have never put myself in that position. So why do I keep doing that to myself? Purposely finding places where I could drink and wanting to in an effort to fit in. Why do I care so much? I know that I shouldn’t but I do. And I don’t think it’s a matter of feeling alone. It’s just a matter of wanting more friends and not wanting to be gossiped about or ostracized.

I also think I’ve been feeling a bit more insecure lately too. I have been more prone to gossip and I realized that I when I previously vented about people, just because I didn’t say their name, it didnt mean that i wasnt gossiping. Because I was. Even if I kept that anonymous, I was still talking smack about them. And then I started questioning the line of gossip. Is venting gossip? Is talking smack in an effort to feel better about yourself gossip? It’s not always so clean and simple where you are intentionally talking badly about someone for the sake of talking badly. I want to spend more time with myself, by myself and figure myself out without influence from outside forces. And I do feel bad because Loren has been messaging me kinda often when I can’t exactly talk on the phone. And I do want to be there for her and although she has been a bit of a burden, I haven’t been a great listener either. I often just check out of the conversation and vent about her issues to my friends and that seems pretty messed up. I don’t want to do that. I want to genuinely be there for her. I want to be the kind of friend that just drops everything in an effort to care for their loved ones. but... idk man. i also dont know if when ive been thinking, ive just been forcing myself to be this mold or someone that i want to be but not necessarily who i am. i keep saying that im super aggressive and sometimes i am. but not nearly as often as i claim to be. i think thats just who i want to become. and yes, i have been trying to keep myself a little more in check with my bluntness. but honestly, i am scared and intimated by what other people will say when i do want to confront them. i think it’s important to be considerate first. and i was just thinking about the summer and how in my own skin i felt and how God gave me the gift of compassion and how so in love I felt. I was so on fired and fueled by prayer and the words just poured out of my mouth. i didnt even have to think about it there. there was great power present and it was honestly amazing. but when we were at pastor william’s and i was asked what i like most about myself, i said, “compassion.” but it felt so weird. and wrong. because it was no longer true. i think over the summer, that was by far my best quality. i was filled with so much love and care for others and i was blunt bc i just wanted the best for them. but ive grown so unbelievably selfish lately and have “treated myself” way too often. i do still love others. a lot. but it’s not just about me. i want to care and serve for others too. those are my defining features. and maybe one day i will receive the gift of tongues. but for now, i just want to reestablish myself with Christ and move forward from here. I want to be me and work toward a better version of myself. I want to take good care of myself and while gaining control might have been a good excuse in the beginning, im nearly halfway through with the semester now and there are still so many variables that i cant control. so much has been happening and i just want to continue to do my best and maintain my cool.

im starting to get tired since it’s 2:26am but I really want to finish this blog entry.

So, Andrew. Hi Andrew.

I don’t like Lauren. You’re with her at Disneyland right now and I have no idea how it’s going but I’m assuming and fearing that it’s going really well. Because I really don’t like her. And maybe it’s bc we got off on the wrong foot or because I never gave her a chance. But more than that, she just reminds me of high school and how miserable I was. A part of me is afraid that she’s just using you as a sick joke and laughing about you behind your back with her friends. And I know that you’re worth so much more than that and I don’t know why I’m so worried about you but I am. Maybe it’s because I feel like I’m losing you as a friend. Not just to her but in general. Maybe it’s because I know Lauren is close to Anela and Anela hardcore fucked me over. Maybe it’s because she was on ASB and knew Heidi. And Heidi drove me to cut myself. Maybe it’s just the thought of idea of her, getting close to you, and you guys becoming something more...and the two of us just drift apart again.

I mean, we already are. I finally confronted him recently and said that he’s been a lot more apathetic and selfish lately and he wasnt too offended but i dont think he fully registered it either. and i still havent told him about how he keeps objectifying women by just their appearance or as sexual objects and at first, i kinda just brushed it off and said, “oh...well, he’s a guy! whatever” but i knew in my heart that that is just a cop-out. i know so many guys that are much more respectful and not nearly as misogynistic. But I still want to be his friend and idk if im just overreacting because when i was watching jane the virgin earlier, i realized that i just casually say, “man, hes really cute.” and hes just going that to girls so is that really so weird? and im just not used to hearing the other side of it? maybe?????????? or it’s similar but hes taking it into the sexual approach? but he does still seem willing to give people a chance and move past appearance? But, he’s also been saying hes a lot of things that hes not in an effort to make himself look better. it’s a defense mechanism and i realize that i do that too. whenever something is remotely negative toward me, i immediately try and think of all the reasons why im actually good and not that bad thing. but i want to stop and try to just accept them as true and fact and work on them from there instead of dying them in the first place.

and finally, my sexuality. ive been drawn a lot more over the years to watching big boobs and scantily clad women. and im wondering if it’s bc im lowkey gay but im too afraid to admit it because of my religion? Why would God make me like this anyway? But all the people ive crushed on have also been guys so maybe im just straight? maybe? ???

or bisexual? maybe? i honestly dont know. or maybe it’s just because women are so overly exposed and their bodies are so heavily sexualized in media and im just used to that media too. bc i def feel turned on whenever i watch an anime clip or a real life version of sexy scenes. but it could also just be a result of repression and my sexual desire for the flesh and wanting to feel that intensity and that passion. but i know i shouldnt til marriage! but i would definitely be lying if i said that ive never been tempted. i have definitely thought of masturbation as an option too. eee, who knows. but i also like to dress scandalously sometimes too bc it makes me feel good. yes, sometimes it makes me incredibly uncomfortable. but other times, esp in my high waisted shorts and crop top, i feel BOMB DOT COM!!! And I might even be a little bit turned on by myself. i was hanging out with joyce and sharlene the other day and joyce mentioned how shes only a C cup and i thought about how i’m a D. And yet, Joyce is a lot bigger than I am. And then I felt kind of self conscious. But I do want to be more body positive and grow to love and appreciate my rather large boobs as they are. I know growing up, I felt pretty ashamed of them but I want to just be able to openly flaunt them instead and work in and wear crop tops and low necklines bc i feel good and im killin the game. really. thats part of the reason why i want to dress up as silk from the amazing spiderman. shes pretty well covered but i know that the body suit would accentuate my curves and mostly my boobs and i do want them to pop and feel hottttt. and i did a lot of research into creeps at the con and obviously i want to avoid them but a part of me actually wants to get hit on by a creep, just for my self esteem. yknow? like, wow, im so hot that i am worthy of getting hit on or cat called. and it sucks and it’s a bi degrading but i do think i would feel pretty good about myself, as sad as that sounds.

im just... im feeling really conflicted right now. i do want to do more exploring but thats not how i was raised but i dont want to live such an oppressed lifestyle but i also just want to be with God. and i want to be around people that i feel open about sharing my sexual fantasies with, even if i want to remain a virgin until marriage. not really but i know that it’s the right thing to do.

hm.

welp, yeah. i played dungeons and dragons with michaela spontaneously. we planned to do it at 11pm that night after work and we follow through and even though we were short a few people and jordan couldnt do my hair, we still had a pretty gr9 time. so yay.

i just. yeah. sigh.i got a lot to do and think about.

on the bright side, ive made sooooo much progress with my homework! but now i just really got to work on graphic design. ive been realizing that ive been putting that off more and more bc i want to avoid it whilst focusing more on physics and ITM, the two subjects that i previously used to avoid. neither are great but i guess it’s better that im focusing on those two notes bc i am hardcore struggling. but i also dont want to neglect a major class. so...we’ll see, i guess, haha. tess wasnt at work today and i didnt talk smack about her at all. instead, i met hailey and made a new friend c:

im going to see rocky horror tomorrow night and im happy to be going out with my friends and keeping marlena company but i do also feel bad bc church and im risking not waking up. and now that’s just on me. and it’s no longer such a small deal if i decide not to go. bc that affects dana as well and i do really want her to get to know Christ and really rekindle this relationship that she has with Him. I want Lakeview to become a place where people can feel a lot more personable and open with each other. And I don’t want to compare myself to others and wonder why someone did something for someone else but not me because it’s really not about me. it’s about us, in that moment, at that time, and what they are going through. not about me. not at all.

i think that’s all for now. i hope i can get a lot done tomorrow for graphic design and management! C: and i hope i can be more open with andrew too bc we definitely are growing apart and it breaks my heart and i feel this underlying sense of loyalty, just bc we were both there for each other when we needed someone to be there for us. and i am afraid that lauren is going to take up his time and he’ll neglect his time with me and i wont be as much of a priority to him. and that does kinda break my heart and i do miss him. i miss so many of my californian friends. i really do. and i cant wait to see them again over winter break.

#reflection

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unproduciblesmackdown · 7 years

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if you were around for the pre-end-of-mh days you might remember times i like to talk to myself extensively, pointlessly, and dumbassedly about my own thoughts, which go nowhere and solve nothing. literally ignore me, talking about bring me the spider cup, i wanna prank crimmins natcho. my proclivity towards trying to figure out mysteries is matched only by my total inability to do so.

firstly i was like ok, this doesn’t necessarily mean eno knows who this guy is, which i think is true but unlikely. he’s probably met him before and while i think it would be funny if this is all some roundabout unnecessary revenge scheme by someone who considers eno his rival, i’d think it was more likely eno was kind of in a position like wallace where maybe they just worked in the same place. (sidenote: he is so clearly evil how do people share an office with him. please fix this mess jerry)

becoz the thing is it was a bit strange eno said he couldnt take a client via a social workers request with the reasoning that he’d left that life behind him? because he is a therapist now after all. but it would make more sense if he used to maybe be associated with / work for a company like that. i dont even know anything about privatised versions of social work but maybe it could work like that. and maybe he worked with crimcrom because sure, maybe crimmins just murdered his way into head of a company or other unsavory methods, and/or maybe also he has actual experience in the field. because maybe he was working at the same place as eno?

because honestly if i was going to take a very vague guess of where the social work is involved here, its that if youre going to do terrible dangerous medical experiments on people, you take people who have connections without the wealth/time/stability to investigate or else just people who wont be missed at all. people whose debilitating struggles and unstable situations you actually have documentation of. and it does seem like everyone with someone missing was relying on kent and co. to find them, because they couldnt themselves, because their sibling/whomever had been targeted for that exact reason, that their family/friends wouldnt have the means to find them. probably this has been going on for a while and most people are just killed and those who arent are kinda just chucked out somewhere to be found by whoever

anyways, the thing with eno, the idea he was working with/for a company earlier is a bit confusing too because its confusing that kent and yumi were killed but eno wasnt? theres the chance that the attempt simply failed, but i had thought that maybe because eno wasnt the semi-public face of the effort like kent was or an official worker like yumi, maybe nobody who put the hit out knew he was even involved. but since im guessing we’re guessing crimmins was directly/indirectly involved in the Day Of Murder and he knows about eno, thats not true……but then its a bit fuzzier why eno wasnt killed if he wasnt just helping out as a friend but sort of associated with his work, like yumi was. maybe it was part of a longer con, like as might be made clearer soonish. because unfortunately i really doubt crim would show his hand like this if he wasnt secure in everything favoring his schemes currently

it also makes sense that eno had been in a position like yumi’s because im also assuming eno thinks its his own files that someone had got hold of. cuz if yumi and kent had the same papers, surely eno did too. and if he was just keeping them to himself it would be one thing but if he was using them with his work like yumi was, then maybe it happened like he said it did only with his file/company in place of yumi’s. which makes sense coz of why he is so uncomfortable and why he was so surprised about it. probably he didnt suppose it had happened until kip said it did, and he suspects it was on his end that it happened but doesnt want to say it because its unpleasant and because he doesnt want to say it to kip.

i was hoping that gayness would be the wrench in the gears aka kip wasnt supposed to learn of the link between kents files and wallaces, but maybe he actually absolutely was? it would make sense why crimmins was so keen to make sure wallace got kip to work with him. because unless it is remarkably nuanced i doubt part of his plan involves trying to get wallace to directly harm anyone, cuz obvs he wouldnt, he is just motivated to not get fired and hopefully do good work. but it seems like a safe guess that kip would see wallaces papers even though kip really should be getting paid for this, and maybe crimmins was assuming that kip had already seen kents file? because if he had worked with eno and gotten his files, he would basically know what must be in kents files. and it apparently wasnt a secret that the files had made it out of the fire with kip

but its a hell of a con because its like, it seemed like a bonus that kip realized the coincidence, because why would crimmins want kip to suspect that wallace is somehow connected with the scheme that kent was investigating / his family and yumi were killed for? but apparently he could guess that kip would meet with eno about it, because i guess he’s tracking one or both of them. speaking of, im hoping that kip hasnt just gotten jumped. im sure its a concern on the best of days that eno told him to be safe, but it seems ominous

just like it seemed ominous when kip told wallace he trusts eno more than anyone. wallace sure learned a lot in those couple of days, namely: he already knows where kip lives exactly and who with and that they are good friends (not sure how coincidental it is that they live in the exact same building, maybe its just convenient), who kip’s ex-boyfriend is and where he works and who he works with and that he and kip have Strong Feelings for each other, who kip’s therapist is and that he sees him once a week and is a old and close friend whom kip trusts above all others, and i’m sure wallace has been able to pick up that kip has a dead brother and theres a story behind it and its a touchy subject. i mean, that’s mostly completely irrelevant info to put into a report, but maybe not if it was relevant to mention that he was working with kip since after all his boss had told him to. but probably crimmins was guessing that if wallace was making headway at all, he had got hold of kip. and since apparently he has eyes on people, that helps too. fix it jerry

im not thinking that its ominous that kip trusts eno so much because he shouldnt or because eno has been lying all along or something—like, if eno suspects himself for being involved in something now, im supposing he hadnt thought so before or hadnt considered it mattered because everything about how everything happened was moot because nobody was going to be continuing the matter and everyone was leading totally different lives. and as for currently, its not like i think eno is like, having the past catch up with him aka he’s betrayed kip or anyones trust before. i mean maybe eno has some totally unrelated dark secret that can be held over him, but even then i doubt that it would be anything where he would be forced to do something to endanger kip to protect himself. rather, i’d guess he might be given more of a non-choice in which he has to do something that will endanger kip because the threat is of causing kip immediate harm. what seems worst is that crimmins is really showing his hand early here maybe, or anyways, he thinks that theres no possible way for eno to prevent whatever crim wants to have happen. which is like, bad

and if he knows how much kip trusts eno, which he probably does, thats bad too…

if wallaces only purpose though was to show kip the files he had, that also has to mean rousing kip’s suspicion…..also, if kip had known about kents files before he’d seen wallace’s, wouldnt he potentially be immediately suspicious enough of wallace to cut off ties with him? maybe that doesn’t matter idk. b/c tbh it seems like theres only so much you can do w/ wallace while preserving his “unwitting involvement in an evil scheme” status, you cant ask him to do anything non-job related. unless his reports are doubling as surveillance or something. but he wouldnt do anything he thought was harmful or over his bounds. even asking him to get kip involved was weird, but at least crim seemed to accurately count on wallace caring too much abt his job to object with stuff rather than simply doing what he had to to keep it

like, clearly something about kip is important to crim’s schemes but how could i guess what. because im guessing we dont have enough information yet, but even if you gave me the info we have now and told me to fill in the blanks however i wanted, i couldnt come up with anything. im really really dumb as hell and not creative enough to take the ventures required to come up with accurate theories. but ok, medical experiments, it could just be anti-monster, but it could also be pro-human which happens to be anti-monster aka more exploitative. cuz it doesnt seem like theyre “Kill All Monsters” as much as “its fine if monsters die but if theyre alive we’ll just dump them somewhere because we just literally assign them no value unless somehow they’re useful towards whatever’s going on here.”

coz kip has two powers: 1) he’s a beloved semipublic figure, and 2) ice and he’s cold

and he has one majorly exploitable weakness in that he’s very afraid for his surrogate family, generally more scared than the average person of being murdered horribly, and knows he has good reasons for that and also trauma

but it seems like if crim wanted to get hold of kip by threatening his loved ones, he could do that at any time? why would wallace need to be involved at all; he wouldnt. why does he need to tip kip off about his own schemes. why did he need to wait five years? why has there been this five year gap? simply development of the mystery scheme? or is it because kip has moved back to c and/or because kip is a semi-public figure again

coz reading between the lines but im supposing that kip had earnestly and strongly intended to follow in kent’s footsteps but was presumably discouraged from this when his family was murdered. but even tho he only told wallace about moving back to c because roy and molly missed it, in the intervention that gets sprung on him and other hints, it sounds like kip still considers himself dedicated to helping people like kent did, which is what his sjw blog is, but he’s majorly aware of the danger of that and unwilling to get anyone killed this time, which is a major limitation, seeing as that happened to him before and everyone is disappeared all the time w/o repercussion. except the repercussion of one tiny group of people who look into it and get murdered, except for eno

but also kip must not have been doing any Helping The Public stuff before he moved to C, because when he says he has to help wallace to justify having thrown so much away, and considering how he’d lost so much in the fire, presumably what he’s thrown away is his life with pascal. im guessing he couldnt have made roy and molly split from him even if he tried, but pascal apparently could be parted from. for like a week, but whatever. he’d been dating pascal before the fire, but if he hadnt been involved in any position of openly helping monsters before the fire and hadnt before moving back to C, that explains why he tried to convince pascal not to go with them.

anyways, uh, see ive lost track of what i was saying. that, while kip is so afraid for the safety of those too close to him, he can also be pressured into a riskier position. but thats by his friends and himself. but maybe if he’s going to be given false information he thinks is from eno, he could do other risky things too. cuz i doubt theres any real protection, as if kent and yumi and eno werent trying to be safe. im guessing kip’s just trying to keep his head down and his cards close to his chest. its frustrating because technically he was right to be immediately suspicious of wallace to the point of associating him with the death of his family and being afraid of helping wallace, but not because wallace’s personal intentions arent good. but still its going to be really awkward if kip gets an idea of what wallace is associated with. cuz its an extremely delicate process that would allow wallace to figure out what was going on and break the news to kip and have kip trust him, so delicate that i doubt it exists and anyways the odds are not in its favor. but its frustrating because i want people to not be friends and not feel betrayed by their bosses and each other and even better, to be friends working together to resolve murders and an evil scheme

anyways. what does crim need from kip. stuff he knows? i doubt he’s trying to corrupt kip’s blog, or otherwise exploit the fact that kip’s probably a trusted community figure. for starters, crim’s already been getting away completely with abduction, murder, arson, etc, for years. unless theres some new Phase of the plan that requires something new. but again, it seems like a big ol coincidence that kip and co moved to C five months before wallace was moved into their exact building with the goal of getting involved with kip, tho wallace obviously doesnt know about all that stuff yet. why does it matter that kips in C. did crim not know where he was prior? did he need kip to be involved in the public sphere so that he could catch hold of him by sending out a social worker too naive and earnest to focus on the suspicious evilness of his new boss? did he just not need kip yet???

it seems strange to consider that crim could like, blackmail or threaten either kip or eno longterm. like, is he about to make a move here. because yeah they both have reasons to be extremely protective of people, which can be leveraged. but like wallace, i dunno how far they could be pushed with doing anything obviously harmful, or doing anything for anyone so obviously evilly motivated. or how long such a chokehold could be maintained. eno being threatened with kip’s wellbeing and being pressured into manipulating kip in one way or another is one thing, and even then how could he be threatened more than once. how could he be expected not to do something to warn someone if the pressing is let up for even a moment? is the point to abduct eno maybe and make kip feel even more afraid, because that would probably admittedly be super effective, but i imagine kip would just withdraw completely from things like being involved with wallace, blogging, etc. but to try to coerce kip into doing something by threatening multiple people is trickier, and what could kip do?

the thing is that i could see kip as being targeted for the ice thing, because thats another coincidence, that he has a really strong ability that seems pretty unusual even for monsters. like, freezing freshly brewed hot tea in a few seconds is really something. and i’m supposing he survived the fire by freezing himself / ice protection, which is really really something. and maybe the fact that he’s also an sjw who’s always scared that someones going to get hurt or killed is just a way to get to him. coz maybe, even probably, kip wasnt supposed to survive the fire, but just be another casualty because crim and co do not give a shit about bothering to spare any monsters life. but the fact that he did, using ice, and that he had his brothers files, all probably wasnt a secret. i mean, the surviving and the files part definitely wasnt, but just knowing the place was on fire and he survived ok probs implies that he had the ability to protect himself somehow, and thats a really impressive ability

so like maybe whatever traits theyre looking for makes kip the ideal target. maybe for once they felt like they couldnt just steal him away normally, but idk why they wouldnt. for example if crim just wanted to kidnap kip, maybe he just has. but that seems like wallace wouldnt need to be involved and eno wouldnt need to be involved and why wait til he’s in C? he doesnt need flushing out to be stolen off the street; he travels to B at least once a week on a schedule and he walks to work.

again, probably theres necessary info we dont even have that will fill in a missing piece here, but even now im too stupid to expand on the stuff we know to imagine up something that would fill in that blank. im too horrible at reading/understanding peoples motivations to even fully Get basic interactions sometimes, and im too uncreative to even come up with stuff like say, guess what crim’s trying to develop over there. maybe theres something about moving from development to initiation that needs kip’s particular involvement (??how??). but why has there been five years of them having been left alone in D, maybe, although how do we even know that

idk all i know is im stupid and i dont like that everyone is going to be even more miserable and endangered and mysteries are a trial for me because i want to die and dont want to have to deal with dying on a cliffhanger, i’ll be an angry ghost. ive probably forgotten a tangent or two i wanted to touch on and that makes me an angry pre-ghost. w/e

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grubhivemind · 7 years

Text

-- devicefulFlightrisk [DF] began pestering decastichAmazifier [DA] --

DF: Hi.

DF: Are you still on Avalon?

DF: I was just wondering...

DF: If anything else was happening? There? Or...

DF: I dont know.

DA: yeah i'm still here, not pullin out yet

DA: nothin is goin on form what i can see but i got my eyes in as many places as i can

DA: check your local Kavi for street stories

DA: i got this shit my man if anything happens you want updates

DA: also i know you've been asked how you are a million times so i'm not gonna do that but i do definitely give a shit how you are

DF: Oh, its okay... I dont really mind people asking.

DF: Im just not sure what to say...

DF: Theres...

DF: A lot going through my head I guess.

DA: wanna talk through it?

DF: ...

DF: I think I do.

DF: It hurts too much to carry it around.

DF: But I dont know... Its scary to even think about.

DF: For... a lot of reasons.

DA: no judgement man

DA: just let her rip

DA: have at me, ramble all you gotta

DF: :(

DF: I just... wish I wasnt thinking about it the way that I am.

DF: I want to be angry... I want to pretend I never had anything to do with any of that. Like...

DF: Like its unforgivable.

DF: Because it is.

DF: But I dont feel that way.

DF: I can only think of what Id do if

DF:

DF: Theyre his family... I cant even imagine how Id react to

DF: Its stupid. Im stupid for thinking that way!!!

DF: I shouldve just listened to Joel!!!!!!!!

DA: woof, never thought i'd read that statement ever

DA: obviously he'd never know about this but now he'll especially never know, we can't let his ego have this

DA: but anyway

DA: it's not dumb to rationalize

DA: for many reasons, i think

DA: for one you were into him and for two that's... yeah? makes sense?

DA: we all kinda Rush The Fuck In™ when it comes to our family and that's like... understandable?

DF: But it doesnt matter...

DF: Nobody else sees it that way. Even if people do, its not...

DF: I dont know. It just doesnt matter.

DF: I wish I was never a part of any of this.

DF: It hurts so much...

DF: I dont know why I ever thought things could work out.

DA: well

DA: i'll tell you somethin jujubee

DA: if you think somethin is worth it then they can work out... it's just give and take and i dunno man

DA: it's a complicated situation

DA: i'm not really a big fan of violence either if it can be avoided but not all people are like that and some shit is plain inexcusable

DA: and mayve sometimes you try and things just still don't work out it's about how much you're willin to give up

DA: i tried to give Sapire a second chance and that didn't work so now he's like.... gone forever i guess? which it sucks and all that but like, you have to focus on you at the end of the day

DA: don't compromise your feelings or morals for anyone man, it might keep someone in your life but it'd just make you miserable in the long-run

DA: and you deserve more than that :(

DF: Its so confusing...

DF: Like... if circumstances were different... It would have been perfect. You know? DF: Im afraid that Ill forgive anything just to have that feeling back. It just... aches!!! Ive never felt so awful...

DF: But... Its scarier thinking of how alienated Id feel from everyone else.

DF: If I forgave it, I dont think anyone would forgive me.

DA: that's somethin you're gonna need time to think about

DA: and i mean just because you forgive someone doesn't mean they're out of the shit

DA: to be honest i can't really think of anything that would be a suitable punishment or penalty or whatever but i mean it doesn't have to be black or white

DA: also things are stupid hectic right now so taking time to think or even worrying about it later is probably best for you in this situation

DA: shit's tense

DF: I guess youre right...

DF: Im worried whats going to happen on Avalon too... Without Kougah there to take care of things.

DF: I wish the people had just listened... We couldve done something.

DF: I know... some things??? But I dont know if I can really help on my own. It feels... hopeless to try.

DA: yeah Baldur feels the same, he was actually asking me if i did any shit with music and that it might help?

DA: to be honest i'm not keen on anyone dipping toe out the castle

DA: also i've already got the place on lockdown so like

DA: nah?

DA: i get he wants to help but he's not about to solo this shit out

DF: ... Well, um...

DF: Maybe we could work something out...

DF: Auryhn, Kagome and Karima could come with us? They could watch out for us while we try to ... do our thing or whatever.

DF: I just... I dont know what might happen and I dont want to stand idly by... :(

DA: mm

DA: maybe yeah

DA: you guys can put what you know together and try to do your thing

DA: but we all are definitely sticking together, it's crazy out there so just.. we'll try to set this shit up and give it a go and see how it goes but if it doesn't work then i'm sorry but i wouldn't vote for another trip back in...

DF: Thats... probably fair.

DF: I guess Ill try getting ahold of Baldur and see what we can do.

DF: Ugh...

DF: I really should be relaxing, shouldnt I? :(

DF: But I cant help thinking about all this...

DA: lmao to be honest i should be relaxing too probably

DA: Nellie's been making me chill the fuck out but ... no??

DA: there's so much to do and so much to think about and so much to plan for

DA: it's impossible to waste time and there's too much going on to not be doing shit

DA: is what it feels like, and probably is

DA: i think it just needs to get to the point where we're not running ourselves ragged

DA: do what we can, plan some shit out, then when it's like you gotta scrounge for shit to do then stop

DF: Yeah... That makes sense.

DF: There isnt much I can do right now...

DF: What have you been keeping yourself busy with? Exactly?

DA: mostly making sure this castle is impossible to get in if you're not supposed to be in it but also making sure we're not exactly sitting ducks

DA: right now i'm doing a little minor reprogramming to some of his service bots around here

DA: also playing host

DA: makin some food and shit

DA: gotta keep the guests well fed

DA: i've also been watching the monitors i can tap into but some are too fuckin far

DF: Ohhh... Wow. You have been busy.

DF: Id probably be doing the same. Hehe.

DF: Im glad youre keeping safe... I think of all the places you could be on Avalon, thats already the safest. Um.

DF: In terms of avoiding certain dangers... The weather probably isnt great up there. But even then...

DF: Im just relieved.

DA: you know me, ever the busy bee :P

DA: and yeah it's a chill place to be for now

DA: tbh i wish Auryhn would drop the fuck in but idk i know he has a job also he's just.... upset really

DA: he's a big guy but him feelings too big for him damn body

DF: Oh.... Yeah......

DF: I can imagine this is all pretty, um... Stressful for him, too.

DA: yeah...

DA: i'll wear him down eventually i'm confident of it

DA: but it's all fresh right now, he's still processing i think so yeah. it's just a lot for everyone to absorb

DF: It is.....

DF: But... Im glad I talked to you about it. I feel a little less overwhelmed now...

DF: At least my thoughts are sorted out a little better, if nothing else...

DA: glad to help Peapod <3

DA: i'm glad we could talk, sorry i couldn't make it to the open invite thing but i'll get at you later

DA: before all this i dug up some manga turned anime about two dudes whose dongs got turned into chicks and the chicks are gay for each other

DA: if that's not a pride month shitfest of a marathon i don't know what is

DA: give me the large gays and tiny lesbians

DA: so yeah. strap the fuck in next time we get together

DF: Thats...... :O

DF: That sure is the concept of an anime alright!

DF: Hehe... Im looking forward to it.

#devicefulflightrisk #decastichAmazifier #in which don't compromise your feelings or morals

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