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heartpascal · 8 months

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please don’t lose it again

— joel miller x platonic!f!reader

— summary: the aftermath

— a/n: i’m replaying tlou2 and got to the scene again. this followed. sorry if the flow isn’t great!! im all over the place. please please please heed warnings. love you so much. not the official ending for itdws!

— warnings: major tlou 2 spoilers, major character death, grief, burying a loved one, loss, spoilers for itdws, throwing up / vomiting (referenced, not really explicit), all the stages of grief in like 3 minutes, guilt, blame, being sad, GORE, or descriptions of gore, and dead bodies

— taglist: @rhymingtree @sleepygraves @wnstice (everything) @auggiesolovey @just-kaylaa @evyiione @lemonlaides @faceache111 @randomhoex @canpillowscry @pedropascalsrealgf @star-wars-lover @coolchick333 @soobsdior @rvjaa @sunflowersdrop @definitely-not-a-seagull-i-swear @miss-celestial-being (pedro)

a what if one shot from the if the door wasn’t shut universe!

masterlist (part one , part two , part three , part four , part five )

∘₊✧───── ───── ───── ─────✧₊∘

The world is full of horrors.

You learned that much a long, long time ago. In your formative years, your youth, when you were actually a child, you had experienced more horrors than you could name. You didn’t have enough hands to count them on. There was loss and there was pain and there was Joel.

There was a brief time, after arriving to Jackson, where you didn’t have Joel. A part of you always knew he would come back. Not for you, that was true, but you had always known that he would be back. That he wasn’t gone in the way so many were. That Tess was. In the very depths of your mind, he lingered. Even if he had left you behind, he was still with you, in the worst of ways.

You have never lived in a world which didn’t have Joel Miller.

He had always seemed untouchable. Unmovable. As if the world could only move around him.

You never thought you would have to live in a world without him.

There was always a certainty that you’d held. Joel would outlive you. He would survive, where you wouldn’t. Despite how you had improved in your skills out in the wild, in the back of your mind, when you saw Joel, you had always believed he would be the one to bury you.

Because even if Joel hadn’t stayed for you, he would surely stay for your death. It was who he was. Always the survivor, always the one to bury the bodies, always the one left.

You had never considered what it would be like to bury Joel.

Even now, as you sit with your hand pressed against the freshly turned earth, frozen at your fingertips, you aren’t sure you really know what it’s like. Because, surely, there’s no way that Joel Miller could be reduced to this. A body in the dirt. A faceless name left upon a headstone, forgotten in a garden of the dead.

He was alive yesterday.

He was alive.

How could they have buried him? You think of the way the dirt has iced over, numbing your fingers. You wonder how much effort had gone into plunging a shovel into the dirt. How much ice had formed on Joel’s skin when they put him in there?

He would be cold, out here. Without the jacket you knew was hung up in his closet. He would be cold.

“C’mon,” Jesse said, faintly. “Put your gloves on.” He tried, crouching beside you, beside Joel, with the very gloves Joel had gotten you held in his hands. Did you thank him, for those? You needed to. You needed to thank him.

You turn your head away from the wooden headstone, the clumsy carving that Joel could’ve done better, the letters spelling his name. If you don’t look, if you turn your face away, or close your eyes, Joel is still out on patrol. He’s wearing his jacket, holding his gun, pressing a warm hand against his hip in his signature pose. He’s not cold.

But when you turn back, it’s still his name. The ground is still frozen, and as much as you press your hand against the dirt, Joel doesn’t reach towards you. Joel doesn’t do anything. Joel stays buried underneath frozen dirt, underneath snow and ice. Joel stays cold.

Jesse’s hand is warm when he grips your own, his stare concerned and helpless. You wonder what would have happened if it had been you on patrol. If you were the one taking Joel and Tommy off duty. You wonder if you could’ve saved him. You pull your hand away.

He follows you when you stand up.

When you look back, Joel’s headstone blends in with the others. There’s nothing remarkable setting it apart, nothing screaming that it was Joel and he had been alive yesterday.

You wonder who the other headstones belong to. You wonder if anybody remembers them. You wonder why nobody is here, visiting. You wonder if Joel’s grave will end up the same way.

Vaguely, you notice that you’re counting. As you walk, you count the crunch of snow beneath your boots. There are thirty-three steps from Joel’s grave to his door. Thirty-three measly steps between his home, and where his body is buried. Did he know, yesterday, when he was drinking his morning coffee — the coffee you had brought him — that he would spend the rest of time buried thirty-three steps away? Did he have any idea that he would never come home? That he would always be thirty-three steps away?

Tommy is stood in the house when you walk in. His head is bruised, blood still crusted on his skin, and you wonder what happened. You wonder how this could have happened. He doesn’t look like the same man who had once walked on a patrol with you, gun raised, vigilant in every movement. If they let Tommy live, if they let Ellie live, why did they kill Joel? Why did they stop him from coming home?

It’s not long until you realise that you have nobody to ask about Tess. Tommy had long ago told you everything he could remember, most of which was corrected by Joel. Is there anybody left in the world who knew her? Anybody left who would ask about her?

Will it just be you, until your death, who remembers Tess? Who remembers Joel? After you, Tommy and Ellie are gone, who will know him? Who will remember him? Who will put flowers on the grave in which they buried him?

You wonder how long it will be until people wonder about his grave, as you had with the others. How long it will be until he’s forgotten.

What’s going to happen to his pictures? The photographs of Joel and Sarah? Of him and Ellie? Of you and him? Who is going to understand each of these pictures? Who is going to know what was happening in each? How many memories are gone, now that Joel is dead?

“Kid, I…” Tommy trails off, eyebrows furrowed.

Joel is dead.

He’ll never finish the supply of coffee you gave to him. He’ll never complete the guitar he was making for you. He’ll never finish reading your favourite book. He’ll never receive the new mug you’d made for him. He’ll never do anything. Because Joel Miller is dead, and he’s buried thirty-three steps away.

How do you fix that?

How do you tell Joel that you’ll forgive him for ever leaving, that you’ll forgive him for everything, if he just comes back? If this time, he comes back to you. How will he know that things could go back to normal? That you’d— you would do anything. You would bring him all the coffee you found. You would watch every shitty movie he wanted. You would make him every damn mug he asked for. You would forget about him ever leaving at all. You would go back to normal. To before he left, but better.

All he had to do was come back again. That was it.

He just had to prove that it wasn’t him they buried. That the disfigured body they’d brought back to Jackson wasn’t him. That he wasn’t the one who’d had his head caved apart. Joel had proved things that had been far crazier. Surely, for you, he’d be able to prove this.

He would come through the door, all amused grins and warm jacket, and he would walk the thirty-three steps to his grave and tear the headstone with his name on from the ground. He would make fun of Tommy for ever believing it to be him, and he’d make a better gravestone, the name — which wasn’t Joel Miller — carved on neatly, more clearly.

Joel Miller was a survivor. He had to survive.

You aren’t quite sure what you’ll do if he doesn’t.

“I’m sorry.” Tommy says eventually, finally finding his words, and the look on his face reduces your denial to ash. You look at him, trying to find the similarities between him and the mess of the body that had truly been Joel. You find nothing. No resemblance between the body and Tommy. It makes it all the more difficult to believe that he’s dead. You’re not quite sure what Tommy is apologising for. Was it his fault? Did he goad that—that girl into cracking Joel’s skull? Into spilling his blood out of his veins? Into leaving him there like that? Like a body, not a human being?

Jesse says your name, gently, as if your skull would cave if he spoke it any louder. You realise that you’re standing here, in Joel’s house, in the very place that you had drank tea and coffee and whiskey with him, and you have no reason to be here. There’s no Joel to make you a terrible cup of tea, or to play his guitar while you carve at his workshop desk. There’s no Joel, and all of Tommy’s apologies won’t change that.

“I didn’t—” You cut yourself off, finding that you can’t speak any further, lest your throat go dry and your eyes get wet. And really, the words you had gotten out are enough. You didn’t.

You didn’t save him. You didn’t give him that god forsaken mug. You didn’t take him dinner. You didn’t tell him how much you appreciated him. You didn’t tell him that you loved him. You didn’t tell him that he was your dad when nobody else was. You didn’t forgive him.

“It’s okay.” Jesse tells you, and he believes it, obvious in his arms as they wrap firmly around you. Obvious in the way he holds your head, in the way he breathes. But it’s not. It’s not okay.

How could it be okay? You want to yell at him. You want to scream at him that Joel is dead, that it’ll never be okay. You want to do something, anything, but there’s nothing you can do. It wouldn’t matter. Joel would still be dead, and still, nothing would be okay. But you can’t do anything. You can’t vocalise a thing, except for what becomes a choked sob as it leaves your throat.

This is the first time that you cry.

And even though Jesse squeezes you tighter, as if he could possibly put your pieces back together, you fall apart. Once it starts, it doesn’t seem to stop.

There’s an acceptance here. Tears wash away any hint of denial, and you’re left with a reality you can’t help but accept. A reality where Joel Miller is dead, and you will never see him again. The arms around you will never be Joel’s. He’ll never teach you to play a new song on the guitar he was making you. He can’t hear the way you cry, even if you scream and yell and call out for him.

For once, you can’t feel him lingering in the back of your head. As if his absence has removed him from you. It feels like losing him all over again.

You didn’t see Tess’s dead body. Now, you’re glad. If there had been anything left of her to see, anyway. But you had seen bodies before. Mostly of Infected. Or of raiders and hunters who were often shot and killed, sometimes when you were the one shooting. Either way, you’re not used to remembering them as being so… still.

When you close your eyes, forcing the tears to fall, you see him. You see the flashes of skull and soggy brain tissue and smears of blood. And he’s still. You think that you’re so used to seeing Infected people that this just… wasn’t natural.

And to think of that body as Joel? It was even more unnatural.

“C’mon,” Jesse urged once more, voice a murmur in your ear as he tightened his arms around you. “Let’s get you home.” He said, moving to leave.

It was wrong. You didn’t want to leave. It was making you feel all wrong, like there was a constant chill sending shivers down your spine. How could he ask you to leave? How could he ask you to leave when Joel had never come home? Who was going to wash Joel’s mug — the one you had made, that he had stolen — of coffee that he’d left on the side? Who was going to make his bed? Who was going to clean the dirty dishes Joel inevitably would’ve left on his dining table?

Joel wasn’t coming home. So who would do it? How could you leave it like this?

“Kiddo,” Tommy sighed, stepping towards you and taking hold of your hands as Jesse dutifully stepped back, expression creased. He looked tired, more than anything. He looked his age. Tommy blinked, looking up towards the ceiling as if holding back tears, and squeezed your hands in his. “Please, don’t… Go home, okay? I’ll send Maria by. And we’ll—we’ll talk later. Alright?”

It was hard to face the fact that Tommy didn’t want you here. It was incomprehensible. How could you be anywhere else but here? How could he want you anywhere else but here?

How could he expect you to go home? To go back and see that stupid mug you’d almost finished? That Joel would never see? All because you had insisted upon it being a surprise. Insisted that he couldn’t see it until you were done. And now he would never see the mug that matched his own, a slightly better looking owl painted upon its side? The size of it just a smidge smaller than Joel’s own?

He had been complaining that you always had to use the shitty old mug with a football logo on the front. You wanted to surprise him with a mug which matched his own. A sign of your bond. A symbol of your trust, your forgiveness.

Things hadn’t been the same since he left you, all that time ago. Both of you had known it. It was almost tangible, every time you saw one another. But you were getting better. You were seeing him at least once every week, which was improvement from the sporadic visits that’d been occurring last year.

You were all he’d had, after he and Ellie had fallen out.

You, perhaps better than anybody, knew that isolation. You knew how cold it could get. You wonder whether or not he would have even been on that patrol, had you not declined his offer of dinner, in favour of working on the mug.

It was a bitter feeling that bloomed as you pulled away from Tommy. An ugly, rearing feeling that was biting at your throat, and the only thing that stopped you from falling to your knees was Jesse. You wanted to be angry at Joel. You wanted to be able to scream and cry at him, to scold him for leaving you once more, even after he had promised he would never do it again.

And you know it wasn’t his fault. You know that he wouldn’t have chosen this. You do know that. But who else can you blame? Tommy, who is grieving the same as you? Jesse, who had done nothing but support you since you had known him? Ellie, who had no choice but to helplessly witness his death? And there was the girl, of course, Abby, Tommy had said to Jesse. But she seemed… inconceivable. A figment of imagination. After all, Joel was the strongest person you knew. What could have taken that away? Who?

It’s not fair. None of it is fair.

Abby had taken so much from you, and you know from the state of his body, that she hadn’t done it quickly. You feel sick.

Jesse is rubbing your back as you kneel on the snow, the shock of the cold seeping through your trousers bringing you to reality. You hadn’t even noticed leaving Joel’s house.

In the corner of your eye, you can see all of the flowers that people left for Joel. It doesn’t help. These flowers, too, will be cold. They’ll be cold and they will die and then Joel’s porch and garden will be covered in flowers just as dead as he is.

And all of the notes will be left unread, because Joel Miller is dead, and he is not coming home.

∘₊✧───── ───── ───── ─────✧₊∘

if the door wasn’t shut taglist: @sleepylunarwolf @am-i-shit-or-am-i-the-shit @mandowhatnow @aphrcdites @doodlebob-mp3 @rrickgrrimes8 @nikt-wazny-y @fallenoutofrose @wrathofcats

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jinxed-lemon · 2 months

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I’ve seen a lot of peoples characterization about Future!Leo meeting Present!Leo and while I am a sucker for the whole “Future!Leo giving Present!Leo a hard time bc of angst” trope let me also present: F!Leo being kind and understanding to P!Leo:

However you wanna headcanon why F!Leo is suddenly back in the past, he somehow is and it’s after the the whole Krang situation has been dealt with and of course everyone is freaking out bc “oh god did something else bad happen that another time branch opened up just to warn us about something?”. Skip ahead and everyone is welcoming him in bc of course they would and we pan over to P!Leo and the kid is obviously freaking out and going through the 5 stages of grief.

He spends the next week absolutely avoiding future him- ducking corners, making excuses to be out of the lair, straight up just pretending that F!Leo isn’t there. Everyone is confused bc they thought ‘Leo would have LOVED to meet a cooler, older more experienced version of him from the future’ but apparently not. F!Leo is kinda fed up with it cause he really wanted to meet the younger version of him and ask about how they defeated the Krang so he finally corners him one day.

It’s totally awkward at first but F!Leo just sighs and decides that there’s no beating around the bush and directly asks P!Leo if there was a problem. He thinks that the younger version of him must hold some type of anger or animosity for how the future went- and he’s fully expecting to ease the tension if true but before he can continue P!Leo just starts sobbing his eyes out and F!Leo is standing there like 🧍 thinking ‘holy shit did I scare him??’.

P!Leo: I thought that you would hate me for what I did. I’m so sorry that I’m like this- I’ll be better, I swear.”

F!Leo: …Kid what are you talking about…?😨”

F!Leo is just absolutely stunned when P!Leo starts explaining about how he thought he’d hate him. About how he was fully expecting his future self to absolutely loath and despise him for getting their world destroyed in another life and before he can finish his rant F!Leo is putting an arm around him and going ‘Kid what are you saying??? I would never hate you? Why would you think that?? :(‘

P!Leo: I thought you’d be mad at me? I messed up everything and-

F!Leo: But you didn’t though? That was me from another timeline, not you. Sure you messed up a little but everyone does- you still saved the world.

F!Leo- the same guy who raised Casey in war and raised him with love despite the battle and loss? The one who made Casey feel appreciated and trusted enough to help change the future for the better?? I’m sorry, but I can’t see him looking down at self-sacrificial, sad version of himself with a newly born martyr complex and not immediately imagine another kid like Casey that needs to be protected.

Like yeah, of course he has regrets, had those moments during the war where he was at an all time low of depression and doubt. But that was him, not P!Leo. F!Leo is the adult and more than aware that there’s nothing he can do to change what happened to him in his timeline. What happened- happened, you know? Why would he be mad that the younger version of him still had the opportunity to grow up and be a kid without worrying about the death and destruction of his world?

P!Leo: ..Are you sure you’re not even a little angry with me?? You don’t have to lie you can hit me if it’ll make you feel better-

F!Leo: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING IM NOT GONNA HIT YOU YOU’RE JUST A KID- 😟

Give me F!Leo always reassuring P!Leo. P!Leo messing up a move during training and expecting to be berated but instead hears ‘You almost had it! Here let me show you how to do it-‘. F!Leo insisting that P!Leo keep his little childish hobbies and to treasure them while he still can.

P!Leo: *Talking about his collection* I should really stop reading these. It’s kind of babyish for a leader to have Jupiter Jim comics-

F!Leo: Jupiter Jim will never be babyish!!1!/j 😡

I want F!Leo begging P!Leo about the newest editions- the movies and lore and merch he missed out on. I want him to still have the same, corny humor and the wide shit-eating grin he gets when people dramatically sigh at his jokes. I want him to put a comforting shoulder on P!Leo’s shoulder and assuring him that he made the same mistakes. I need P!Leo feeling comfortable enough to individually seek out F!Leo and feeling confident to ask him for help first.

P!Leo: I feel bad

F!Leo: How come?

P!Leo: Bc you lost an arm and I didn’t. Maybe if I lost a limb during the battle then we could be matching and-

F!Leo: Kid I cannot express enough how glad I am that you didn’t become an amputee ☠️

I need them to be a weird father/son duo

#rottmnt #rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #tmnt 2018 #rottmnt leo #rottmnt future leo #rottmnt leonardo #rottmnt movie #tmnt leonardo

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i0veless · 1 year

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you are so right babe you worded it perfectly, ive spent last hour on twitter reading people's opinions bc i really dont want to assume too fast but at the same time r*pe is a very serious thing so im not gonna defend him either. its just a very difficult pill to swallow bc ive been a fan of his for some time now and if someone told me something like this would happen like 6 months ago i wouldnt believe them but no surprise the girl is anonymous bc people are alr accusinf her of lying like what

as a fan of the person in question, we go through the stages of grief we try to rationalise the situation and try and find any and all flaws in the accuser's story. and I think her being anonymous makes it a lot easier to claim that the woman is lying (and maybe she is). And perhaps if I hadn't experienced some of the things I have, I would say she was lying, but I have had friends in situations like this where no one believes them. And some of those friends are no longer here, so this situation is difficult for me so I apologise that my opinion may be biased as some of my wounds are still fresh. But I am also aware that many people lie about being victims just for money and fame (eg: the neymar case). I'm not saying he is guilty, but I think people need to be aware of what is going which is why I chose to speak on the situation in the first place.

#inbox :: anon #achraf hakimi #achraf hakimi x reader

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emberphantom · 3 years

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#trying not to be dramatic but it's my first day back in the office since march 2020 and like #im going to have a breakdown bc the last time i was here i still worked for my bosses that i liked and they're like gone now #and all their stuff is still here so its like fucking depressing #everything is still dated for march of last year i still i have notes on my desk to do stuff for them im #i feel like im in Chernobyl #thankfully this is the only day i have to be in until like the fall #its all voluntary but im like lkfahshfds idk what this feeling is but im experiencing it #like idk i guess stages of grief speed run or something #girl help #allison says shit

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hanijunk · 3 years

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watch me go through the 5 stages of grief this week in preparation for the presumable CAIFILWAI MV release sometime next week

#honeyworks #dolce #nobody cares trash #CAIFILWAI #i hate how long this is its literally a ln title aint it DLKSJADKLASJ #LIKE I CANT EVEN SHORTEN IT TO CANT AN IDOL FALL IN LOVE BC THATS. A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT SONG.#HANIWA WHY #but yeah im in a constant cycle of making sure to keep an open mind about fuuma/yui and keeping expectations abt kazufuum LOW #but also being unable to break from the 'but *insert evidence here*' loop. LMAO #catch me experiencing the stages of grief before the MV even comes out #but also reexperiencing them once the MV comes out #in all seriousness tho im hype asf for it whatever it turns out like ;DD #trashtalk tags #can't an idol fall in love with another idol #im gonna be trying to distract myself from thinking about it until it comes out #otherwise its gonna be the same 5 kazufuuma thoughts echoing in my brain or on this blog dlksajdaskldj

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guanana · 2 years

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do u still take reqs?!?!?! bcs im absolutely obsessed with ur pervy!hyuck fic😭😭 i want more of an elaboration of panty sniffer jaemin </3 maybe smth where jaemin is roommates with y/n and he finds her panties mixed with his laundry,, then he just goes to town with it 👹 then maybe he returns it completely soaked with his juicy come </3 i love u mwa have a nice day !!!!!!

request 05 ♡ njm x reader

aka beware the panty perv (jaemin special!)

genre: drabble smut, jaemin x reader, f x m, light angst

word count: 6.6k+

smut warnings: masturbation, penetrative sex, oral (f receiving), a new panty perv arises, panty sniffing, dom!jaemin, possessiveness, squirting, don't get too mad at mc she just luvs cock too much

author's note: take this one with a grain of salt, it's not necessarily canon to the panty perv fic. i just love unnecessary drama and strife, and i love jaemin even more 💓

────── 〔✿〕──────

Previously, on Beware the Panty Perv:

( “And out of all the guys that you fuck, I’d like to think of myself as the most normal one. Yuta and Jaemin are weird,” Doyoung emphasizes. “Jaemin is definitely a panty sniffer. Have you seen him when he’s with Jeno? He practically looks like one.” )

——

"So, are you guys like," Jaemin tries to wrap his head around what he wants to say. He dons a scrunched face as he tries to belch out the god forsaken word out of his lips. "Dating?"

You're unamused at the way he shrivels up, shaking his head and sticking his tongue out in disgust like he just drank straight lemon juice. For someone so laid back, you'd never guess how painstakingly immature he could be at times.

Obviously referring to Haechan, here's the sitch on your guys' little entanglement.

Ever since Lee Haechan had been unmasked as the notorious panty perv, the people had been expecting you in all of your rage to make his life a living hell and ostracize him from any forms of human society.

Yet something that nobody ever anticipated was, considering your lack of rationality in most situations, was that you would end up fucking the guy. Even crazier, becoming exclusive fuck buddies with him.

So to answer Jaemin's question:

"Mm, no. Not yet at least," You shrug.

"Not yet?" Jaemin topples over theatrically, a hand clutching at his heart as he gasps for air. Reaching out to you in Shakespearean style to conjoin your hands, to which you oblige to entertain him in his dramatics. "The state of your guys' relationship is prophetic at this point?"

"I guess? It's all up to him, really. He says he wants to take it slow," You answer him, taking note of how the orange in his hair has long faded and grown into a gritty brown. Funnily enough, you like it on him more. "Why are you interrogating me anyways?"

"Because I'm going through the stages of grief right now," He cries, laying on his stomach and digging his head into your lap. Feet petulantly kicking against the cushions of the couch. The behavior causes you to sigh, he really is a kid. "Don't you sigh at me, missy. I'm experiencing denial right now!"

"Jaem," You try to break away from him when he lifts your shirt up to nibble at your stomach. "Haechan and I have been seeing each other for months now. There's no reason for you to be upset. Much less on stage one of griev— ow, you fucking weirdo. Stop biting me."

Pushing him away from you, his pretty face pops back from beneath the fabric of your shirt. Considering the fact he's allegedly 'grieving,' he sure does have a smug grin on right now. Upon being caught however, it quickly morphs into that annoyingly irresistible puppy dog look.

"I miss fucking youu," Jaemin whines, swaying back and forth against your thighs. "C'mon, just once? For old time's sake?"

"Nope," You bring your index and middle finger to the center of his forehead, exerting enough force to have him rolling off of your body and down to the floor. A small 'oompf!' following in his wake as he lands on his side.

"Why not?" The rejection doesn't deter him at all, collecting himself quickly before kneeling and resting his forearms on the top of your thighs. Sharp chin resting against your lap yet again like it was his very throne. "You said it yourself, you guys aren't dating yet! It wouldn't kill him."

"Isn't the second stage of grieving supposed to be anger? How did we skip to bargaining already?" You ask with a cocked eyebrow.

"It's interchangeable. Plus, I could never be angry at you," He responds indubitably, hurt that you could ever come to such a conclusion. "All I wanna do is make you feel so good, baby," He traces circles into your knee, bottom lip just barely grazing the top of your thigh as he inhales your scent.

His ears could never fail to catch the faint hitch of your breath against his feather-like touches, yet it still wasn't enough. Admittedly just a tad saddened at the fact you aren't already dripping wet for him. Once upon a time you'd start leaking for him upon his arrival, but ever since lover boy has come into the picture, it's as if he never existed in your realm in the first place.

"We can't, Jaemin," You reply in a somber tone. The right thing to do is to push him even further away, yet your body betrays you when you trail a hand through the brown tresses. Softening further into the back of the couch when he nuzzles into your hand, nose tracing into the palm of your hand upon delivering a chaste kiss to the flesh. You hate how plush those lips feel, retracting the hand like you've been burnt. "Seriously, stop that."

You admit that it's hard not to feel small when he watches you so closely. Practically seeing the flashbacks that play in his mind. Longing for the days where you could release your pent up frustrations on one another with no boundaries.

"What makes him so different?" The male asks, blinking up at you. "It was never a problem for either of us if we slept with other people. So, why now?"

What could you say? Haechan delivers in every category: sweet, intelligent, dorky, absolutely hilarious, thick dick, and oddly enough–

"He makes me really happy," You reply simply, looking down at Jaemin with complete stoicism. "I like him."

"Oh," Is all he musters.

Arms leaving your body like it's been forcibly repelled. There's a weight on his shoulders that has gotten increasingly heavier throughout the months the two of you had been separated sexually, your words making him feel like it's increased tenfold. He ponders what it could possibly be, realizing that he was granted no special privileges despite being there with you as both a sexual partner and friend for years. It what leads him to saying what he regrets in mere seconds.

"—even if he's a creepy panty stealing pervert?"

Jaemin has always been fond of you. You’re exuberant, warm. An unabashed confidence that never failed to draw people in. Though you've donned the not so friendly titles of many, anyone with two working eyes could tell that you were one to be respected.

So when the room of your shared apartment goes ice cold, Jaemin realizes he's fucked up beyond comprehension.

Callous eyes stare right through his soul, lifting yourself off of the couch before kneeling down at eye level with him. He's heard the stories of you when you're pissed off. The petty arguments that escalated a bit too far with Doyoung that lead to him shriveling in fear in a corner. Or the time you dragged Jeno by the ear for being mean to your friend. Everyone knows, Jaemin knows that you're absolutely ruthless. Yet he's lived so idly in your life that he's never been on the receiving end of it.

Kneeling down to eye level with the male, you poke an accusing finger into his chest. Twisting the nail just a bit too harshly into the flesh, he's thankful for the hoodie that separates you two, because surely with the force you're using you could break skin.

"Know your place, Jaemin," Your words laced with venom as you stare him down, causing him to cower away. "Don't you ever talk badly about Haechan."

Nodding feverently, he gulps as you break away from him. Standing up and brushing your clothes smooth before heading back to your bedroom. Craning your neck back to make a point, you make sure to hammer the nail. "Got it?"

"Yes, ma'am," Jaemin sweats, this demonic aura of yours sending shivers down his spine.

It's not that you were overreacting, by all means you feel justified in how you handled the situation. Ever since the ordeal, people have been way too into your business for your liking. Word getting around the grapevine that Miss Popular decided to throw panty perv Haechan a bone. (Fuck Mark and his loud ass mouth for that, by the way.)

It annoyed you to no end. It's not like you liked Haechan because of what he did. The masses under the impression that you either took pity on him or you just liked having someone to blackmail, which wasn't the case at all.

You liked Haechan because he was Haechan. Nothing more, nothing less.

But when you look back at the deflated Jaemin, a pout adorning his face, you can't help but take his words into consideration. While you and Haechan were in this limbo between fucking and dating, no title whatsoever—

Would there be any harm in fucking around just a little bit more?

——

"I'm heading out!" You yell from the front door, shoving your boots on while keeping balance on the door handle.

It had been a little over a day since the altercation between you and Jaemin. With a disagreement being completely new ground for you two, he admittedly doesn't know how to handle it. Not one for confrontation, he sort of just wants it to let it mend itself.

Peeking his head out of his door, he catches you down the hall. You're wearing a pretty skirt and blouse rather than the usual baggy attire. Bile forming in his chest when he feels a little bitter at the thought of where you're probably going.

"Meeting with Haechan?" He asks blankly.

"Mm," You nod your head, struggling with the clasp of your boot without removing your hand from the door. Cheeks puffing out impatiently as you keep missing the latch to loop around.

Unable to deal with how cute you are much longer, Jaemin blows his bangs out of his face before strutting towards you. Bending down onto one knee to swat your hand away. Your eyebrows raise in surprise at the act of kindness, watching him take the latch into his own hands and looping it around with ease. "There," He huffs, brushing back the hair that's fallen past his eyes again before standing again.

"Thanks," You murmur, still feeling some leftover awkwardness from the day before.

"No problem." There's a beat of silence, then two. "Hey—"

"I—"

"You first," You insist, extending your hand to allow him to finish.

"I'm sorry," Jaemin apologizes, rubbing his neck nervously as he's not used to the gesture. "I shouldn't have said that about Haechan. I know you like him a lot."

You nod your head, appreciative of his words. "I forgive you, thank you. I'm sorry if I was a bit too harsh on you, I just don't want people to think badly of Haechan for what he did." "Don't even," He shakes his head. "It's understandable. I know everyone's been in your guys' shit. I guess I just got a little.."

When he sees you giving him your undivided attention, eyes big and nodding intently, he can't help but wonder how much more fondly you look at Haechan. Wondering what he had to do in order to be in his position. What he had to do to get that same affection and passion.

"Jaem?"

"Yeah, sorry. Jealous. I got jealous."

Your lips part in surprise at the confession. You're not used to this Jaemin, the grounded one who was always so sure of himself. So cool, calm, never one to be so vulnerable. You yourself are a bit scared to delve deeper into the meaning, afraid that you might find yourself in a situation that could ruin the stasis of what you've built these past few months.

Whether for better or worse, Jaemin continues. "Fucking you, I mean. Of course," He fumbles, trying to alleviate the tension.

Releasing a breath that you didn't even know you were holding, your shoulders drop in relief. "I see." "Yeah, so don't mind me," He plants his hands on your shoulders before twisting you around and pushing you towards the door. A long arm reaching past you, unlocking and opening the door before shoving you past the threshold. God this shit is awkward, he thinks to himself. "Good talk. Have fun, okay?"

"Wait, Jaem—" But before you can finish, he's already closing the door on you. Setting the boundary between you two for good, you accept that in letting Haechan becoming your number one, you'd have to accept losing others in the process.

Meanwhile, you're uncanny to the conflict that Jaemin's suffering through on the other side of that same boundary.

——

Said conflict has just gotten worse, bursted into an absolute dumpster fire in fact.

"This fucking idiot," He breathes out when he holds the material between his two hands, stretching it out for good measure to make sure he wasn't hallucinating.

Upon waking up to such a lovely day, Jaemin decided that today would be great for some productivity. Starting with laundry, he's neatly separated his piles. His spring playlist in the background as he tries to block out all thoughts of you probably getting railed by Haechan at this very second. He thinks he's been doing pretty well, thoughts of you coming to a pause when he gets into the groove of his chores.

Until he reaches a little halfway through his hamper, an unfamiliar floral piece of mint green meeting his point of view. Fishing it out, it takes no more than a millisecond to realize what he's just plucked out.

"You can't be serious right now," He rubs his face with a free hand irritably, holding it out to the light.

No doubt about it. These were yours, quite familiar with this pair in fact. You wore it often. Sometimes wearing it for him specifically because it's his favorite color.

How it got mixed in with his laundry? He doesn't want to know, nor does he care. Okay, maybe he does. A little bit. But that's beside the point.

The point is: you are absolutely terrible, treacherous, evil. An absolute minx that is out to ruin his life. He's sure of it.

And by the grace of some horny demon, or his own volatility, a horrible light bulb goes off.

The little angel and devil on his shoulder are currently clashing. Mind racing as he angles the panties to get a good look at them. Reminiscing the visions of how well they fit on your body, the strappy elastic squeezing against your hips so tightly that just a smidge of skin was poking out— his favorite thing to bite.

He really shouldn't be doing this, but when he remembers how beautiful you looked when he slid them to the side and slipped inside of your heat so easily, he loses all consciousness when he rolls back onto his bed. Sliding his shirt up and pushing down his sweat shorts past his thighs, member growing embarrassingly fast.

"God dammit," He berates himself, the material held between his index and thumb. Was he really about to do this?

If he remembered correctly, you didn't get mad when Haechan did it. So, it should be okay if he did, right?

Fuck it.

He rubs along the texture, feeling the damp remnants of your wetness on the seat of the material. Chest heaving in a quiet rage at the realization that these were most definitely fresh. Whether you did this on purpose or not was a problem for later. Right now, all he could think of is the taste of you on his tongue, wanting nothing more than the sweet pleasure of you suffocating him between your thighs.

It played like a record, the moment he brings the panties to his nose. Inhaling the potent scent of your past arousal brings him back. Fist gripped impossibly tight, knuckles are white as he sniffs to the point of his nose scrunching in. Getting lost in your smell before his tongue rolls out, losing his mind when it licks from the base. Sucking in the taste in hopes of absorbing every last drop, whites of his eyes taking him like a man possessed.

You were always such a good girl for him, doing whatever he told you to. The visual of you climbing up his body, a thigh planting on one side of his head before the other lands just as carefully. Looking down at you bashfully with a flushed face.

Past thoughts drove him up the wall, knowing that he was the only one who could make you nervous. He knew Haechan's appeal was being your bitch, but did you ever miss it? Not being in control? Being bent at another's beck and whim?

Letting the panties drop from his mouth, he licks around his glossy lips to savor the small amount of your taste he was able to get. It might've backfired though. Under the impression that it would quench his thirst for you, to bring him back to earth knowing that he wouldn't have you anymore. It only furthered his hunger. Wanting, needing more.

Panties that are now slick with his saliva trail down his body, the lace tickling his torso as it drags down to where he needs it most. He shudders when he wraps the material around his solid cock. Groaning when he gives an experimental pump, a pea sized drop of precum aiding him as it glides with ease.

He throws his head back in pleasure, picturing you riding his cock up and down instead of the pathetic alternative. Moaning your name out into the empty vicinity like it'll bring you back to him. It didn't matter who else it was, nobody's pussy could ever compare to yours.

"Miss how tight you are," He gasps, his orgasm approaching with each pump. Abdomen clenching when he thinks about the half lidded gaze you'd give him whenever you let him cum all over your face. Gorgeous, swollen and glossy lips lapping up the remnants like a delicacy. "Miss you so, so much."

When he slides the fabric along his tip, slimy material brushing against his frenulum, his hips buck up to chase the pleasure. Your name leaving his lips like a mantra, too drunk off of your minimal scent to consider how wrong his actions are.

White coats his taut abs, dripping down until it lands on his pubis. Profuse amounts of cum from holding back his desires. Gasping as he jerks himself to oblivion, the last of his orgasm painting your panties. Smiling fondly at the thought of your arousal and his meshing together, only mildly perturbed at the fact that he craves you so much he's willing to go to such lengths.

"Fuck," He curses. Dropping the defiled material to his side, rubbing at his face and groaning. Brushing his sweaty bangs from his forehead to take in the mess he's made of himself. "I really just did that."

"Yeah, you did."

He can't even be shocked. Shoulders drooping when he catches you leaning against the frame of his open door, an equally unamused expression meeting him. Clunking his head obnoxiously back against his bed frame, he grunts in irritation at being caught.

"Were you just standing there the whole time, you perv?" His head lolls onto his shoulder, making no effort to hide the evidence.

Tutting in response, you make your way over to his bed before plucking your used panties. Much too used to this scenario at this point, just because you and Haechan are seeing each other doesn't mean he didn't still go through your laundry. You sigh at the cum soaked material, plonking it onto his stomach. "Not the whole time, at least. Also, do you really think you're in the position to be calling me a perv?"

"Kind of, you just invaded my sanctuary without knocking," He shrugs. "What are you even doing back here anyways? Thought you had a date with lover boy." "First of all, your door was open," You raise a finger before taking a seat at the edge of his bed. Neither of you address the fact that his flaccid dick is out and he's got semen riding up his torso, it's almost comically mundane for you two. "Secondly, we had to call it early because Mark's punk ass busted a flat tire in the middle of nowhere."

"Great," Jaemin puffs.

"And thirdly," Your voice takes on a lower tone, cadence laced with an untraceable motive that has him peeking up in interest. "I don't think you're allowed to get mad at me when you used my panties to get off." He rolls onto his side to get a better look at you, lips quirking when he assesses your features. After years of fucking you, it doesn't take rocket science to know your tells. A twitch of your eyebrow lets him know that you're feeling things that you aren't supposed to be feeling.

"You're being awfully casual about this," Jaemin's own brow quirks, his veiny hand reaching back down to play with his cock ever so subtly, running his fingers down the softened length to entice you. He knows he's on the right track, the way your attention immediately darts to his movements. "I thought you'd be mad at me."

"I am mad," You scoff, toppling over his body and caging him against the wall behind him. Irritation coursing through you when you don't detect a single ounce of guilt or embarrassment. "You're an even worse panty perv than Haechan."

It only hits you then. This isn't Haechan. In fact, it's the polar opposite of your sweet boy. No amount of berating or intimidation could ever make Jaemin falter. The two are similar in the fact that they get off on this, but the latter loves pushing your buttons.

He wants you to succumb to him.

"What's wrong?" Jaemin smirks up at you when you soften above him, leftover cum aiding him in his strokes. Your lips caught between your teeth as his mouth drops open, gasping out in pleasure while he puts on a show for you.

Taunting you with a charming grin, his other hand grazes through your hair, tucking the strays behind your ear. He loves the way you watch him, your thighs clasping together to hide the fact that you're getting wet for him.

"You're so..."

"So..?" He tilts his head, erection springing back to life even harder at the adorable loss for words. "Why don't you show me how mad you are, baby? Teach me a lesson?"

"Jaem, I—"

"What? You can't?" He pouts, hand trailing to the side of your face. Thumb sliding across your bottom lip, cooing at your obedience when you take it into your mouth so pliantly. "C'mon baby. I miss that sweet pussy so much." "But Haechan..." Your eyes gloss over in conflict.

Pulling the thumb away from your mouth, the mood of the room completely shifts. Jaemin holds his pinky out, mischievous demeanor put on pause for just a second. Face somber and completely serious.

"You guys aren't dating yet. I won't say a word if you won't," He swears. "One last time, I promise."

You've been fighting it for a long time. You're sure of it, you were heavily enamoured by Haechan. He delivered in every aspect except a certain inherent need, something that Jaemin could always give with flying colors.

The only one that could turn you into putty with just that damned smirk.

Pinky finger stuck out like it's a seal of fate, you wrap yours around it. Locking them tightly, Jaemin's beyond elated at your agreement.

"One last time," You say.

"One last time."

And with that, he pulls you in close by your interlocked fingers, joining the two of you in a kiss. Instantly sighing in relief, missing the feeling after what feels like ages. Free hand cupping the back of your head to bring you in even closer, parting your lips with his tongue.

Relishing in your moans, he swallows them with glee. Loving the way your arms wrap around his neck, straddling him to mesh your bodies together.

"Mmf, missed this," Jaemin grunts when you take his bottom lip in between your teeth. Cupping your ass under your tiny skirt, he rolls the flesh eagerly. Snapping the elastic against your skin playfully.

"Hey," You giggle, interlocking your fingers to stop him from hiking your panties between your folds. "Fucking weirdo."

"Don't act like you don't love it," He laughs, rolling the two of you over. When you're below him, hair so prettily flowing against his pillows and beautiful neck exposed, he can't help but moan out dreamily. It really has been too long.

"Jaem," You whine, outstretching your hands in a grabby fashion when he goes down to nibble at your thighs. Scent of your arousal wafting his senses, his nose meet your covered core like a pied piper. Thighs snapping shut around his head, it only encourages him to dig deeper.

Strong hands pry them back open, licking you over the black lace. Soaking through them to the point that he can see juices leaking around your thighs. "Wore these for him, didn't you?"

You nod timidly, to which he chuckles lightly. "Did you guys fuck?" Peeking his head out of your skirt to hear your answer properly. When you shake your head, he's over the moon. "Perfect. You're all mine for today, then."

Peeling your panties quickly, he stares at the material with the same vigor he had with the mint colored ones from just a few moments ago. His tongue experimentally dips into the newly wettened panties, eyes rolling back at the extremely fresh wetness.

You moan at the depraved sight, his tongue dangling against the wet fabric with just the tip. Moans reverberating throughout the room at your nectar. Trying to pull him in by the shirt to bring his attention back to you, he blinks away his panty hypnosis. Dreamy grin when he apologizes quietly. "My bad, I just see why Haechan is so into this now."

Relishing in your sweat whines, pestering him to touch you, he climbs back down. Eye to eye with your throbbing core, wet with want. Jaemin always had that effect on you, able to get you giddy just from being in his proximity.

Much too starved from the appetizer, Jaemin dives right in. Tongue pointed and diving straight into your hole, causing you to cry out in euphoria. "Jaemin!" You cry, his fingers digging into the meat of your thighs as his nose rubs to and fro along your clit.

"Fucking love how this cunt tastes," He groans against you. Grunts vibrating against your folds and aiding in the pleasure. Appendage swirling from all four sides of your walls, snaking along the sides before dipping in as deep as his muscle will allow him.

You see those two veins on his neck popping out, straining himself to give it you rough, just the way you love. Taut biceps circling around your thighs to bring you in even closer, a mixture of saliva and arousal leaking down and tickling against your rim. Slimy tongue spitting saliva down your hole. "Tongue feels so g-good, Jaem..." You gasp, hands tangling in his hair as you grind against his face.

Swapping his tongue to your clit and plunging his fingers knuckle deep, he needs no time to adjust before taking on a pace that leaves you dizzy. Fingers reaching deeper than his tongue as it grazes against your spongy wall.

He's fucking drunk off of your taste, deprived from the real thing for so long that he's almost forgotten how good you are. Maybe the fact that you're practically with another man makes the forbidden fruit even sweeter, rapture in taking what's not his. Envisioning Haechan watching you two as he devours you whole, crying out in anguish at his love being pleasured by another.

"J-Jaemin..." You cry, feeling the knot in your stomach about to release as his fingers increase in tempo.

"That's right, baby.. Say my name," Jaemin praises you. Suckling at your clit harshly, unrelenting when he feels you beging to spasm. His free arm circling around your stomach to push you down so you can't run away. "Say it again, and I'll let you cum."

"I— that's embarrassing!" You cover your face.

A stinging slap at the top of thigh spurs you into action, locking eyes with a frightening Jaemin. Devoid of any sympathy and wanting nothing more than to bend you to his will. "Say it."

"J–," A saliva covered tongue darts against your clit, lapping left and right harshly. "Jaemin!"

"Louder!" He snaps his fingers ruthlessly, like he has something to prove. Hitting your g-spot every single time.

"Jaemin, Jaem—! Fuck!" You screech before releasing all over his face, clear liquid coating his entire face translucent. The man beyond insane when he refuses to pause his fingers' thrusting, jaw wretched open to catch every drop you give him. An innate need to ruin you. "Jaem— no!"

Trying to shove him away when he attacks your clit again, he pushes you from the back of your thighs to fold you into yourself. Growling into your cunt deeply as he laps you up until your clean, ignoring your pleads as fat tears roll down your eyes from the overwhelming stimulation.

When he breaks away his hair is a mess, covered from nose to collarbone in your pussy juice. Panting crazily as he wipes at his swollen lips, exposed cock practically weeping with precum. Getting up from the mattress to throw off his shirt and pants angrily, smearing his first orgasm off like it was never there in the first place.

"Want you. Need you, now."

Jaemin doesn't spare you a second of recovery, immediately pulling you by the ankles until your ass is hanging off the bottom of the bed. Tearing your skirt off and ripping at your blouse, buttons popping off mercilessly.

In any other situation you'd yell at him for his haphazard actions. However, you're meeting a completely new side of Jaemin. A man completely malnourished of his desires, taking out his frustrations on the one thing he's wanted most.

You fear the intimacy, yet chase after it. Letting him have his way with you when he pulls at the cups of your matching black bra, suckling as much of your breast as possible. Lapping at the nipple, the leftover droplets of squirt trails along your own body.

"I missed this," You admit aloud, raspy with croaked tears and an overwhelming amount of pleasure.

"Yeah?" Jaemin growls, lining his cock with your weeping hole. Never averting eyes, you gasp when his tip intrudes at your hole. Teasing ever so slightly. You're convinced at this moment you need nothing more than Jaemin. "Bet your sweet boy would die on the inside if he saw you like this, breaking beneath me like a little fuck doll."

As mean as the comment is, it just turns you on even more. Cursing at yourself when a fresh coating of arousal helps Jaemin slide in. Inching in so slowly, girthy cock splitting you open. "Fuck, you like that? You like the thought of cucking Haechan? Letting him see how much of a slut you are?"

"N-no..." You stutter, lips dry when Jaemin makes his way all the way inside. The two of you gasping in unison when he bottoms out. "That's so mean.. I-I love Haechan."

Love?

The word causes a chord to snap in Jaemin. Wanting to take his last time with you slow, but the devil on his shoulder wins. Possessing him, rearing the ugliest side when his hands dig into your hips. Pulling all the way out to the tip, waiting for just a few seconds—

"Jae—?"

And slamming all the way back in, so forceful that he shoves you up the bed several inches. You scream at the pummeling, not able to address the way he grips the back of your thighs. Folding you into a mating press before he climbs up the bed with you.

"Fucking slut," Knees dig harshly into the bed when he slams into you. Squeezing your face to make room for your lips to pucker in, not allowing you a second to realize his intentions before hwacking a wad of spit. Fluid shooting straight down your throat with precision, you cough around it a little before the delicious liquid slides down your throat. "Love? Don't fucking play with me."

"I do!" You scream, finding that your protests cause to him to be even rougher with you. Your ankles practically meeting the sides of your head. "I love Haechan!"

"You love Haechan but I'm fucking you right now, how does that work?" He scoffs at you, laughing maniacally at the tears that wash down your cheeks. Makeup from your prospective date completely ruined, eye makeup trailing down your eyes and lipstick smeared along your ruined lips. "Obviously don't love him enough if you're running back to me like this. Or, don't tell me—"

He brings his lips down to your ear. "He just doesn't fuck you as good as I do?"

When you don't protest, he feels victorious. Length piercing unreachable destinations inside of you. Thighs burning from how far he's stretching your body out. If this was going to he the last time, he was going to leave an impression.

Jaemin's tongue lolls out to slide up the cheek that sheds such sweet tears for him, he loves how every part of you tastes. He wishes to etch it into the most important crevices of his brain.

"You... you do..." You bite against his shoulder, digging your nose into his neck as you peck kisses along the beautiful expanse.

"Hm, baby?" He punctuates with another poignant thrust.

"You fuck me best! You!"

Jaemin has always been fond of you. You're unbelievable. Jaemin's every fantasy manifested into a one single being.

Yet, you could never be his. At least, not in the way he wants you to be.

So the very least he could do was make sure that you would always look back at the memory of him fondly. To remember the ways he would bend you to and fro. To arch your back when a shiver of a flashback invades your mind. To leave such an impression that you wish Haechan could be just like him.

"Love you," He whispers so quietly, he prays you don't hear it. Arms dropping your thighs in exchange for hugging you close, rutting into you like he's lost in heat.

"Jaemin!" You screech, pussy clasping around his cock so tightly. He's lost in your wet walls, wrapping around him like you're sent from heaven. Hips trying to get even more of him greedily. Wetness slapping against the bottom of his abdomen, it's too much to bear.

Wishing that the moment would last forever, he clasps his eyes shut as he fantasizes a scenario where this would only be the first of many times. You'd allow yourself to be his hole that he could take whenever he wanted, whether it be the couch or the kitchen counter.

The head of his cock gets trapped between your walls every time he tries to go too far away, and your legs dig into the bottom of his back painfully to bring him back in. Feeling you get so much tighter that he knows you're about to cum. "C'mon, baby. Cum with me, let me use this pussy one last time."

You look at him worriedly, completely forgetting that his favorite place to cum was inside you. With a pleading face, you could never deny him. Giving him the go ahead with an ardent nod.

He can't help it, when you circle your arms around his neck to pull him down for one last kiss. There's something beyond desire, but you can't push him away. Welcoming his feelings as he spills them inside of you.

Everything is full. Your mouths with battling tongues, your walls being coated in egregious amount of cum, and most of all—

your heart full of unspoken affections that were never expressed before.

He calls your name, eyebrows furrowed together as his orgasm is borderline painful from how much he spills inside of you. Plugging it in all the way to the hilt to let it simmer for awhile, never wanting to leave.

The room reeks of sex, walls swirling around you after such an intense fuck. Feeling the indentations of nail marks along your hips and thighs.

When Jaemin loses his strength, he falls on top of you. A small 'oof!' escaping you when his weight encapsulates you. Still connected even if his cock is beginning to soften.

It shouldn't be allowed. This intimacy, the way he blinks at you slowly and that soft smile that creeps onto his face. You shouldn't be trailing a hand along his face, kissing the corner of his lips longingly.

"Last time," He bargains. Rolling onto his side, taking great care to not pull out. Wanting nothing more than to stay attached to you until there's no other choice than to leave.

"Last time," You emphasize, eyes shutting closed when he pulls you close. His bare chest pressing into your back, you hate how safe you feel. Closing your eyes and allowing Jaemin to press kisses that hold meanings like love letters down your spine. Lips tracing every crevice of your body and memorizing it.

As much as the two of you joked about it. Jaemin really was grieving, but with the last piece of you completing the puzzle, he believes he's gotten the closure he needed. Knowing that your heart has already been captured and that he was just a bit too late—

he's made it to the final stage, he's ready to accept.

——

epilogue (weeks later)

"Haechan!" You screech from your bedroom, bursting out with the door slamming against the wall. Steam practically simmering out of your head when you reach your boyfriend who immediately sits up from his spot on the couch.

"Y-yes, sweetheart?" Haechan squeaks, your hands on your hips letting him know that you're beyond pissed.

Jaemin peeks his head out of his lair curiously. Watching the chaos unfold, you're animatedly throwing your arms around as you berate Haechan. An eyebrow cocking upwards before his lips form into an 'o,' muttering an 'oh shit' beneath his breath.

Holding out a defiled set of cotton panties in front of Haechan's face, your boyfriend's mouth drops in sheer confusion. "Wait a secon—"

"We talked about this! If you want to use my panties, you ask!" You stomp your foot onto the carpeted floor. Puffing your chest out, ignoring his protests when you grab his ear.

"But baby! It wasn't me!" Haechan cries out in anguish as you drag him down the hall, neither of you addressing Jaemin as you make it to your room.

Maybe your blind trust in Jaemin was your own fault. But, you couldn't even consider the possibility of it being him after Jaemin solemnly swore to never interfere with you and Haechan's relationship ever again.

However, after carrying the torch that Haechan had left as the notorious panty perv. Jaemin thinks that in the fine lining of the contract, using your panties to jack off was fair game. He definitely should have been stealthier in hiding your panties after he did the deed, but such is life.

When you slam your door shut and Jaemin's ears are flooded by Haechan's obnoxious squeals, he rolls his eyes. Closing his own room to head back to his desk, he pops on his noise canceling headphones. Much too aware that you're about to ride Haechan's dick until he's a crying mess.

In the meantime, an evil smirk appears on his face. He walks over to his night stand and slides open the drawer, pulling out those floral mint panties.

Snickering to himself, he wonders if you're really just that oblivious or if you yourself couldn't keep your promise of your rendezvous' coming to an end.

Whether it's the former or the latter, Jaemin sighs with glee when he takes an obnoxious sniff of your panties.

Ah, bliss.

end

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author's note: dear anonnie, thank you SO much for your patience. i know this one took much longer than it should have, but i kept on changing the plot around until it was something i could be satisfied with. i hope i was able to deliver.

thank you for participating and making this event so much fun, and thank you for being so fond of not only the panty perv fic but liking it so much you wanted more elaboration on the other characters <3

EDIT: request status — CLOSED

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warmrainandlavender · 2 years

Text

my grief makes me feel so incredibly alone

in every fucking stage that happens

which happens again and again by the way

not in order either

but every single stage regardless I always find myself

reaching out for others who feel the same way

trying to find similar stories to mine

people who’ve experienced

the loss of an almost lover

no not a break up

we never were together and we didn’t break up

not exactly

this person

the first person i was ever really in love with

that butterflies in your stomach

heart pounding cheek flushing

tunnel vision kind of love

my person

died before we could ever be anything more

than friends

they died

unexpectedly

tragically

violently

and now im left here with all of this love for you

and you

are not here

you’re in an urn in your parents house

or maybe your sisters

or maybe scattered somewhere

i don’t even know

and i never will know

and that’s no one else’s fault because

i barely had a year with you

i barely got to know your family

your life

we had just started planting the seeds of this

love and

we weren’t anything… yet

and now we never will be

and my love for you still lives on

it’s only become deeper

fuller

and i have come to know your death

all too well

and my heart carries all this love

and all this pain

and all this grief

and it always will

always

#personal #poetry #grief #griefrecovery #coping with grief #rip #jko #love you always

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kumoriyami-xiuzhen · 3 years

Text

Hakuoki Yuugiroku Drama - Thumb-Sized Samurai Tracks 1-4 (of 7)

This is my last post of the month, so I’ll end by asking you to please support me if you can through my ko-fi, and paypal or patreon which provides access to my hakuoki blog translations and early access to my postings. Also, please let me know if you have any hakuoki drama cds that you’d be willing to share that are on my Lookout List since i either do not have audio for those cds or do not have audio that I can share.... and if you are able to remove watermarks from a video, please contact me.

Well... I’m finally done with all that i can translate for this drama. posting these tracks all together since im unable to continue translating the rest of this by myself... which is something i wouldn’t normally do because i prefer splitting tracks up for more items on my queue, tho that’s also a side-effect of me usually not being able to stay focused on one drama... not sure when i’ll get to the subtitle videos for these since im still pretty busy (while i have the first 3 tracks of this drama subtitled [unedited], at this rate, i might just wait for when finals are done and just focus on all my videos in bulk then... plus ive yet to receive the tl for track 6 and 7 [and need someone else to go over where the voices overlap in track 5], so that will likely cause further delays to the videos for this drama).

also i totally caved in and exchanged points for the yuukoku no moriarty stage play file with chinese subs that someone finished translating recently and bought the blu-ray for the 2nd musical. havent craved more content from a fandom this badly since about a few months before i decided that i would start translating hakuoki stuff lol.

Hakuoki Yuugiroku 2 Limited Edition Bonus Drama CD “Thumb-sized Samurai”

Translation by KumoriYami

Track 1

Kazama: hehehe~ Sure enough/As expected, this medicine's blend of Forsythia grass and boiled eel, along with my yearning and passion....

Heh.....hehehahaha~!!! Success at last! This forbidden drug, it shall be named ——the New Ishida Sanyaku · Changed/Improved!!

Hm~. as long as this strange drug "the New Ishida Sanyaku" is improved, it will become a panacea that will make people fall deeply in love.......

She obviously loves me, [however] my wife is is unable to honestly admit to her feelings [and] is tormented by the pain of love-sickness/My wife, tortured by love sickness, has refused to admit her feelings, isn't this medicine suitable for her?

Alright/Well, now that this medicine has been completed, this must be quickly brought to my wife to drink.

No, wait, just in case, the effects of this must be tested first. (Kazama begins walking off somewhere—)

Track 2

Harada: So that's it/all, Hijikata-san, that's all I can report on. Sure enough/As expected, the team members' most pressing concern is the security of headquarters.

Saito: My opinions/suggestions are almost the same/similar/the same as Sano's. I believe that we need to improve our defences against intruders.

Hijikata: Is that so. I understand what you guys are saying. Harada and Saito, you've worked hard....... That being said, it's difficult to completely prevent intruders from coming in. This place is a temple, not a fortress. Even if we installed a fence now, that isn't really a good plan.

Saito:.....So what you're saying is......

Harada: But, shouldn't the area around Chizuru's room at least be fortified? It is true that someone is after her.

Saito: Kazama Chikage, Amagri and Shiranui [check audio], the self-proclaimed group of oni......

Hijikata:......Indeed. In short I need to consult with Kondou-san about this....... Then, that'll be it for today's report.

Saito: Then I'll go make some tea. You should rest first. Sano, you should also drink some.

Harada: Oh, thanks a lot. Then I won't be impolite [rephrase later].

(Saito leaves then returns shortly after)

Saito: I've brought the tea. This is fresh[ly brewed] and hot, so please be careful.

Harada: Thank you. I didn't expect this so quickly.

Hijikata: (sips tea)......Oh, what's this, Saito? Did you use some other tea leaves today?

Saito: Nn?......No, I haven't done that.

Hijikata: Really? Then why do I feel that this tastes different from usual?

Harada: You didn't put poison in did you?

Saito:......!! Don't say such frightening words, Sano. The idea of me poisoning the Vice-Commander is complete nonsense. [i prefer the word 'utter']

Harada: Don't get angry, I was just kidding. (sips tea).......but, like Hijikata-san said, the taste of this tea really is odd/strange [tl says 'subtle']......

Saito: Strange? How could that be...... (sips tea)....!!

Harada: What's wrong? You've suddenly become quiet.

Saito: This taste is of...... Ishida Sanyaku ！？

Hijikata: Ahaha, I was thinking that this tasted a bit familiar, so that's what it was........ wa, wait! Why was that put into the tea!?

Harada: Saito..... you bastard, did you actually put Ishida Sanyaku into tea/you didn't actually put Ishida Sanyaku into tea did you? Even if you love that stuff, you should know when to stop before going too far [idiom. rephrase later]!

Saito: No......I would remember doing something like that. I only saw that the teapot lid was open, that there were tea leaves already inside, and that I was thinking how it could easily be brought over to be used......

Hijikata:......There was already tea inside? Did you notice if there was something strange/weird in the surroundings?

Saito: Speaking of which........ I saw something, I thought it was garbage so I ignored it, I think I remember how a note there was a written note saying "dedicated/specially for my wife. Dogs are strictly prohibited to touch this" or something like that.......

Hijikata: What, those words. From where do they....seem... familiar.......

(Hijikata collapses)

Saito: Vice-Commander!!

Harada: oi~ oi!! What's wrong, Hijikata-san! Why are you/why did you suddenly....... falling/collapsing/fall/collapse......!!

(Harada collapses)

Saito: Sano!! Why are you also......!!.......Why am I/How can I.......also....... be fainting........!

(Saito collapses)

Track 3

(footsteps)

Souji: Ha...... good grief, this is a real problem. I've long wanted to say this, but why is it necessary for us to submit a report about our patrols when nothing unusual happened?

Heisuke: I actually think that way too. But nothing can be done about this because of the rules~

Souji: Anyway, if nothing unusual happens, isn't it enough for Heisuke to make the report/that you make the report, Heisuke? I don't think I should be involved in giving it~

Heisuke: You just don't want to go to Hijikata-san's room. If you were giving a report to Kondou-san, you'd obviously be very happy.

Souji: That's because Hijikata-san sees me he won't stop talking as soon as he sees me. Before this, all I did was secretly prepared some ink and smeared a stone into it so that it turned black. He surprisingly became furious at me.

Heisuke:......Anyone who experienced this kind of thing would get really angry....... Hijikata-san, we're coming in. (they stop walking and open a door) Hey~ Hijikata-san~! Eh? Ah? It seems that he isn't here?

Souji:......But, doesn't it look like he was was recently in the room? Look, something spilled on to the floor.

Heisuke: What~? Is it possible that he wasn't careful and spilled his teacup, then panicked as he left to go and get a towel to dry this?

Souji: Maybe. Anyhow/Speaking of which...... besides the tea, there seems to be some other strange thing on the floor...... What is this?

Heisuke:......Hijikata-san, Sano-san, and Hajime-kun? What are these, these puppets/figurines [or dolls] look very well made. These might be Hijikata-san's things, so it'd be better not to touch them.

Souji: Anyway it seems like he's not in his room right now. Nothing to be done about it then~ [we'll] hand in our report later.

Heisuke: Yeah. Really, just where did he go......

(they open the door and leave the room)

Track 4

Harada: Saito...... Oi, Saito...! Wake up, I'm telling you to wake up!

Saito:.......Mm...mrgh... S-Sano?

Harada: Yeah.... oh, wait a sec! It's good that you're awake, but you can't open your eyes yet!...... Well, how should I put this...... you need to be mentally prepared......

Saito:.....? What are you saying? What mental preparations......?

~music tune~

Saito:.......!! Sano!?………………Sano?

Harada: Why is that a question? Without a doubt, it's me, Harada Sanosuke.

Saito: No....... But, the Sano I know, doesn't have that height......

Harada: Don't worry, you've become just like me. Just look down at your own body.

Saito:.....!! Even my sword is unsteady in these smaller hands, and if I step forward, there's the risk of falling over because this extremely big head..... What the hell happened to my body...!

Harada: I'll say it first, but this isn't a dream. Because I've already my face quite a few times.

Saito:......This lowly/humble body...... let alone moving, won't I be useless to the vice-commander and be unable to contribute to the Shinsengumi!?

Harada: In a sense, I don't think you'll need to worry about that? Take a look/Look, Hijikata-san has also become like/also looks like this.

~music tune~

Hijikata: Ah...... damn it......! My hands and feet [arms and legs] have gotten shorter, and everything else [tl is surroundings/everything in the surrounding] has become incredibly large......!

Saito: E-Even the Vice-Commander.....!? Why do you [also] have this awkward appearance......!!

Hijikata: Saito, you're awake. I just woke up...... Oi, Harada, why on earth have we become/do we look like this!

Harada: Even if you ask me that, I have no idea/I don't know. I was like this when I woke up.

Hijikata: Yeah....... well, since the three of us have all become like this, it's obvious/goes without saying that the pot of tea was strange.

Harada: Yeah. To begin with, it's strange to have tasted Ishida Sanyaku in tea.

Saito:......I see. That is to say that this is all due to Ishida Sanyaku......

Hijikata: No, that's impossible......

Saito: Ishida Sanyaku is a medicine that is meant to be taken with sake, because it was deviously put into tea, this sort of of trouble happened.......

???: Che~ how stupid [tl is more "stupid beyond the point of help/redemption but i can't figure out how to word that]! Devious? It's shameless to even guess/speculate about this [reword later].

Harada:......! That arrogant voice......! Kazama!!?!?

Hiijikata: You bastard! Are you actually here to harass Chizuru again[??? there's an idiom used in this sentence that I don't really get so i omitted it]!? Where the hell are you hiding!?

Kazama: HAH~! Are your eyes just decorations? I don't run or hide, so are you not able to see who is before your eyes?

~music tune~

Saito: Ha....... so you've also become like this...

Harada: I couldn't help but look up just now ['doubt my eyes'ish or 'look away'.... or something?] . (whispers) Ha.... It turned out be some random passerby.

Kazama: You bastard, sighing after looking at someone else's face, you really know nothing about etiquette!

Hijikata:: After breaking into someone's home, it goes without saying that etiquette will go to the dogs [reword later]! Alright, Saito, Harada! Let's drive this guy out of headquarters!

Saito: Understood (draws sword)

Kazama: Ah~ do you plan on fighting me with that poor body of yours?

Hijikata: Look at yourself, aren't you also the same!?

Harada: Speaking of that guy, why are you even here?.... Don't tell me that it was your plan to make our bodies smaller!?

Kazama: Ha, have you finally noticed it. You idiots/fools with no brains.

Saito: In other words, this is all that guy's fault?! Making all of our bodies smaller, what do you intend on doing?!

Kazama: It has nothing to do with you. I was only looking for my wife.... Yes, only just my wife.... That damn vile medicine!! To actually make turn me into this inferior article!!

Hijikata: Although I don't get why you're so upset, quit rambling, and hurry up and tell us the way to get us back to normal!

Kazama:.......Che.

Saito: You still won't talk. Then violence can be the only answer [reword later. don't like how it reads]...!

Harada: Hold it, Saito!

Saito: Why are you stopping me, Sano! If we don't get the answer out of that guy's mouth, we won't be able to get our bodies back to normal!

Harada: Don't you think it's a bit strange? Kazama was originally the culprit with that medicine, but why is that guy so small now? If he was able to get back to normal, he already would have done that!

Hijikata: Co-Could it be.... you're not going to say that you don't know how to get us back to normal, right!

Kazama: Did you finally realize it? You idiots with no intelligence!

Harada: Uwah....... I really want to beat him up......

Saito: Vice-Commander, please give me the order to cut that guy down!

Kazama: Che, listen to me! It's not that I don't know how to restore us to our original states. It's just that this method will be extremely difficult to accomplish.

Hijikata:……Difficult [Difficult how]……?

Kazama: It's simple to get back to our original states. The teapot with the medicine in it is still in the kitchen. We just need to drink more of that medicine, the "New and Improved Ishida Sanyaku."

Harada: I feel that I want to complain about the name of that medicine since it's a bit too subtle.... But will that really work?!

Kazama: Of course. As I possess the noble bloodline of the oni, it's impossible for me to lie.

Hijikata: For the time being, we'll believe what you say. For the time being, we'll believe what you say. You said it'd be difficult, but shouldn't being able to get into the kitchen smoothly, be the only problem?

Saito: Indeed. Just from the drop to the ground, which looks as high a wall, you can definitely infer how difficult it will be to get to the kitchen...

Kazama: That's right. As a dog who can only wag his head and wag his tail, that ability to understand is really good.

Harada: How is it that I feel angry whenever I hear you say something nasty [reword later].... Well, since we're like this, if we have more people, we'll be able to solve this problem sooner.

Hijikata: Speaking of which...... if someone would pass by/if someone just passed by......

(voices heard in distance)

Souji: Eh~ really, I don't always want to be doing this every time~

Heisuke: Don't say that. Hijikata-san should be back at his room now, right?

Hijikata: Those voices just now...... are Souji and Heisuke's?

Saito: Souji! Heisuke! Come here......! Mmph......! (mouth gets covered by Harada)

Harada: Don't be impulsive, Saito!!

Saito (weakly) What are you doing......!

Harada: I'm telling you/Listen [to me], just think about it! Even if Heisuke helps, the other person there is Souji!

Hijikata: If that guy finds out that we're tiny/this small, who knows how he would react!

Saito: (gasps and moves Harada's hand away) Ha...... Indeed, he'd treat us like toys and handle us as if we were straw...... just imagining that gives me the chills [reword later]......

Kazama: Che, as expected of a pack of dogs made up of rogues and villains. It's amazing that how you don't even have confidence/trust in your own companions.

Hijikata: Shut up! Under these circumstances...! Perhaps Souji is the only exception!

Harada: In the first place, what should we be doing, Hijikata-san? We have to do something, so should we just tell Heisuke about what happened?

Hijikata: Uh………… No, let's pretend to be dolls for a while. After, we can wait for Yamazaki or maybe Gen-san....... ah, there's still Chizuru, [but] we should wait for someone reasonable to pass by.

Kazama: What are you saying? You're actually telling me to pretend to be a doll [reword later]!?

Hijikata; Shut up and just do as I say! Even if it's you, if you can't get back to normal, won't you have a lot of problems!

Kazama: Che. There's nothing to be done/that can be done about it then.

Harada: Heisuke's coming! Everyone stop talking!

(door slides open)

Heisuke: Hijikata-san~! Hah!? Still not here......

Okita: That's strange. I just heard a very quiet voice just now, so I thought Hajime-kun was here. (looks around) Anyhow, why have these dolls that were placed here, so scattered around [reword later/thesaurus]? Furthermore, this/And this strange doll with blond hair, I don't remember seeing it earlier.

Toudou: What is this, a doll of Kazama? There's even one of one of Sano-san, but why isn't there one of these odd dolls of you or me, Souji?

(Heisuke pokes Kazama's head)

Kazama: You bastard......! The only one in the world who is allowed to touch me, is my wife...!

Harada: Come on, don't talk, just be patient!

Souji: These two figures look very much like Hijikata-san and Hajime-kun... Come look at them, they look pretty funny/interesting~

(Souji pokes Hijikata's head)

Hijikata:………………！！！！

Saito:…………！

Okita: Nn? I seemed to have heard something strange?

Harada: Well since these are Hijikata-san's things, if you play around too much with them, he'll get super angry~

Souji: That's right. But, if we just leave them here like this, isn't it likely for that cat to play around with them [reword later]?

Heisuke: It's as you say though since they were already left in a mess, maybe that cat messed them up [reword later].

Souji: In that case, why don't we just put them all into a box? They can be also put into a closet where the cat won't be able to reach them.

Saito: ………………What!?

Harada: If that happens, won't we be unable to move!?

Hijikata: This bastard/guy, he just had to come up with such a rotten idea right now!

Heisuke: Let's hold onto them for the time being then. Anyway, we still need to come back later and give give the report for our patrol. At the time, we can return these to Hijikata-san.

Souji: You're not thinking about taking these back to your room to prank them because you're upset about the faces of these dolls, right [i think? reword later]?

Heisuke: This idea of yours won't be any good/You're the only one who would come up with such a bad idea... well, then I'll take the Sano-san and Kazama dolls for to hold onto for safekeeping.

Kazama: Kuh......! Things are getting more and more complicated...

--To be continued...?---

#hakuoki #hakuouki #hakuoki drama translation #hakuoki drama cd #hakuoki yuugiroku #Hijikata Toshizou #Saito Hajime #Okita Souji #Toudou Heisuke #harada sanosuke #Kazama Chikage

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khadgarfield · 3 years

Text

vent/negative utc

TBQH, I havent been feeling very good lately about my work, or about being in the wow fandom generally.

I dont have any friends here, a small fandom where everyone has their own niche, and truthfully it feels very lonely. i cycle the same concepts and images and ideas over and over in my work, in the same way my irl anxieties are cycling through my head, because i think i am trying to process them but struggle to find any resolution. I fear everyone can see me flounder for any sort of meaning, or even on the most mundane level the development of the tools i might deploy to construct meaning, deeply couched in the bizarre tracts on sex and death and love and grief that could have been about literally ANYTHING in human experience but had to be some fucked up videogame for some reason (yikesssss). i am invisible in that particular way all people become invisible, when they are alone with their thoughts, and though i typically enjoy this kind of isolation theres no comfort in it at all right now. Everyone else seems to be having such a nice time and god, i wish that were me lmao.

All of this begs the question as to what i ought to do next, or what direction my peculiar method of experiencing human emotion ought to next take. i still have so much unposted material, i still know that if i stop trying to express or process or create i will become completely dysfunctional. And yet!!!! Im miserable!!! what then? I will have to think on it i suppose.

At this stage, im contemplating just dumping everything i have on AO3 then deleting everything, like how i did when i dipped from fan culture in like 2017. weirdly enough, i cannot for the life of me remember what i did in my spare time during that period, and i know for a fact that I kind of completely forgot how to write last time i did that so im hesitant to do it again. ive toyed with the prospect of writing kindle erotica, but i find the marketing, social media, publication process etc PROFOUNDLY daunting. dont even get me started on the guilt i would feel asking people to pay actual irl money for what is essentially my traumatised little autistic brain trying to descartes itself.

wish i could be normal lol.

#personal #text #im goin thru it creatively im afraid #dont mind the greviousness i take myself way too seriously and its kind of humiliating #autism brain go brrrrrr

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nonbinarykai · 3 years

Note

Martyrdom is not inherently noble. Lloyd and Kai are both valid in their POVS, especially in a subject like loss. When Lloyd sees that all Kai thinks of is how he wishes it were him instead, he sees it as Kai not valuing Zane’s own sacrifice. While of course, everyone handles grief differently, this can be seen as Kai disregarding how everyone would just be grieving him instead, and this can be exhausting for loved ones. Thus, Lloyd sees this as selfish from his POV. That’s just my two cents :]

Idc how many times Im going to say this but I am going to keep saying it until people realize it

It is never okay in any circumstances whatsoever to call someone selfish because they are grieving.

There’s no “valid” POV’s in that there’s just reasons, not excuses.

Tw: desc of grieving,

For people who need explaining, what Kai is going through here is the 3rd ((or like 5th? Idk I don’t remember the updated chart)) stage of grieving which is bargaining, basically it’s when you try to come up with scenarios where you’re able to “trade” something for the item or person your grieving for. For dead people this can be what Kai is experiencing, thinking that the world would be better if you died instead of someone else.

What Kai is going through here is a natural progression of the grieving cycle. While your right everyone handles grief differently, Kai expressing these thoughts isn’t exactly unique or out of character for those who are going through this grieving stage.

And while yes I understand Lloyd is a minor, and I understand he is also grieving, and that he’s probably been taught this by wu, that doesn’t make what he says ok what so ever. These are REASONS why he said it, but none of them are going to make his POV “valid”

The reason why it’s so harmful to say that to people because their grieving is because it effectively harms there grieving process and what Lloyd did harmed kais. Your effectively telling that person that they’re selfish for being upset about something it’s completely normal to be upset about. And encouraging that person to bottle up there emotions WHICH IS NOT HEALTHY! Teaching people that there response to grief is to just ignore it or push away those thoughts is teaching them to try to stop grieving which is bad because it stops the grieving cycle which is important because it allows you to properly cope.

So is lloyd instance of this kind of unhealthy coping valid because he has the wrong perspective of what Kai is expressing? No it’s not. Because the instance of this kind of behavior isn’t valid to begin with. There’s nothing valid about suggesting that your friend expressing these thoughts is somehow selfish of him. There nothing valid of using past experiences you weren’t personally involved in against him just to make your point.

And again, like I said I understand Lloyd is a kid. And I do believe that wu is the most at fault here. But you need to realize that this type of thinking is harmful to all parties here including Lloyd and to suggest that because Lloyd doesn’t properly understand the situation means that kind of thinking is valid is ignoring the real issue

#dw Im not mad about you thinking this #you’d be surprised to hear how many people would rather try to defend Lloyd then recognize the issue here #as someone who’s personally experienced losing a friend I know what it’s like from both Lloyd and kais perspective #the problem wasn’t that Lloyd was being rude the problem is that Lloyd was enforcing toxic coping mechanisms taught by him #if you have any questions about this kind of stuff feel free to ask me #Im no therapist or psychiatrist though so I do suggest doing your own research aswell

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confoundingconfessions · 3 years

Text

Do We Haunt Ourselves?

Have you ever wondered why perceived ghosts and spirits behave and manifest the way that they do? Why the activity experienced in one location by one group of investigators can be completely different than that experienced by another a week later? This is the power of projection and focused intention. Its actually one of the fundamental pillars in most Occult and Magical Practices. It also happens to be one of the most commonly reported types of hauntings and most people have no Idea its happening! Let me explain.

A Thought Form is created when a person or group of people project a focused narrative about a person, place or thing onto the environment with enough belief and intensity that the natural Metaphysical properties present on site will adopt, adapt and conform to them like structural support to build on. Its like going into a space, writing a script, setting the stage and then sitting back and watching your own custom haunting play out over time. I've been on several cases and worked with other investigators that have walked into a psychically charged environment and the place energy will shift and contour to fit the personality and cultural filters of the individuals entering the space. A spiritual mirror that reflects back to you everything you personally think and believe paranormal activity should look like. To the grief stricken widow its messages from her dearly departed husband of 50 years and the activity will respond accordingly. To the paranormal hipsters chasing demons in dark alleys, the activity rises to meet their expectations and what do you know, they find what they perceive to be a demon. You ever hear the phrase that talks about getting back what you put into something? Same principle just on a spiritual scale.

The implications for this are HUGE. This theory goes so far to explain so much of what we encounter in the field working cases and lines up well with several schools of thought found in Quantum Physics and the influence of the mind over matter. I can also see this as a Pandora’s box waiting to be opened if the wrong people misuse or weaponize this information and process. Can you imagine a group of Occultists funneling enough focused energy and intention into a thought form that it manifests and then they could in theory sick their new Paranormal Pitbull on anyone or any place they choose? The only thing needed to maintain the manifestation is a steady flow of focused intent and the practitioners could even act as Haunting Hackers and literally program details into an already existing energetic narrative somewhere apart from introducing their own demonic virus into the ghostly simulation. The more I think about this as I'm typing the more I'm legitimately shaken up because looking back on 14 years worth of cases, I know that I've seen this phenomena occur first hand and quite regularly.

This is also ground zero for most urban legends and spooky stories that lurk around every corner in any town in the world. As our understandings of Science, Spirituality, Psychology and Metaphysics grow and broaden, what if all this time, hauntings have literally been the lingering residual cognitive energy of countless generations coming and going as life and time marches on. Need we look too far then to find the source of the phenomena we see and document in the field? Is it a coincidence that the most haunted and active locations in the world are places that were met with a heavy human presence passing through? Im certainly not saying this is the root cause of everything supernatural or paranormal. There are beings and forces out there beyond our comprehension but on a base level, there is absolutely something going on here beyond theory. I've seen it, my colleagues have seen it, mankind has seen it since ancient times. What if somewhere down the line we find out that sometimes the only thing going bump in the night....is us?

#Thought Forms #Ghosts #Hauntings #Spirits #EVP #ITC #Paranormal

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dsk129 · 3 years

Text

Breakup advice from a relationship therapist

Hello all. Hopefully all of you have been doing well. Unfortunately, although im not clinically experienced in therapy myself(as you guys may have hoped), I have visited a relationship therapist who was a friend of my relatives back when I wanted to become a therapist myself back in 11th grade 4 years ago. After some general talks about this possible future career, I out of curiosity asked what the best breakup advice would be regarding if I had to encounter a future breakup if I were to enter a relationship with someone. He said that the first thing one should acknowledge is that love is an overwhelming emotion that defies rationality and logic. A breakup would bring even the emotionally strongest people on their knees, despite how many emotional struggles they have endured in the past with seemingly little effort. It brings even the most logical people into a great state of confusion. They may act on emotions rather than their own rationality, serving as proof that emotions can overpower logic. Not only do people struggle emotionally, but also physically. People suffer from a lack of appetite, breathing would be like inhaling toxic gas for them, and many patients of his would report body cramps all over. He told me that emotional strength is determined by how quickly one would strive to rebuild himself and focus on healing from a breakup. As much as time is needed in order to heal, effort is the main thing that heals one from any emotionally devastating experience, whether if it’s a breakup or loss of a loved one!

Here comes my own advice: Rather than trying to distract yourself in the toughest stages of a breakup, just grieve it out. Cry if you want. Grieve if you want. Smash everything you see if that is what helps you. Acknowledge that it requires time and effort to regain a positive and healthy mindset. Thinking about your ex often is normal. Feelings of anger and regret are normal. Having desire to stalk his or her social media is normal. If these thoughts are overpowering you, talk to a friend or family. Mental force alone does not overpower love. Therefore trying to force yourself to believe that the “past is just the past” will never work. We are humans, not androids or computers that can delete unwanted data from our memories. We need to stick and become one with our emotions and evolve with them. Apart from exercise and daily goals, focus on releasing oxytocin and serotonin. These activities can include a warm bath, hot coffee, writing a sad poem, etc(research this if you wish). A particular advice tho, is to call a friend or family. Talk about what made you feel grateful about their presence. Talk about any particular moments you guys had together. Try to establish the most heart-warming conversation you can attempt. Read books on character building. Grab sunlight and fresh air too. Practice tidiness and organization. Perhaps stop wearing shoes in the house if you are wearing them(I feel so much better not wearing shoes in the house lmao). What I would recommend for you guys is to start doing daily goals. Every morning when you wake up, the first thing I want you to do is to try and plan out how you will spend your day. Try to make it as productive as possible without making it too overbearing or inadequate. The key here is to gradually uplift your motivation and spirit without overstraining yourself. As you heal, gradually challenge yourself more and more. Push to your limits, but do not go beyond them. At the end of the day, I want you to reflect on how it was. How could you improve it? Was it helpful? Was it worth it? Additionally, prepare a list of daily triggers on a separate piece of paper. It is always helpful to write down your emotions as it can help process your thoughts better.

After a decent healing, consider doing long-term goals. try and Conquer any fears and insecurities you may have. Overcoming them helps build your self-worth as you recover from a breakup. Practice good character. Perhaps dedicate some time into supporting homeless children or pets by joining a particular group. Offer some change to the homeless too. Try new things in life. Hobbies are fine, but the problem is for hobbies is that you are repeating the same lesson you learned over and over. For many people, finding new ways to cope by building new skills and experiences does not only help one recover from a breakup, but also score points in life in general. Scoring points in life is not just about building new experiences and skills. It refers to emotional growth as a whole. Emotional growth is how we evolve as people. We become better at handling issues as well as developing good moments as we mature. Imo, everyone should strive to learn new things. This is because we share a planet with nearly 8 billion people who have went through different experiences. Therefore, there is always something we can learn from each other. Not only that, we then have the solar system which is outside earth. Then we have the galaxy, and then the universe, and lastly, a realm of space which humankind is completely unfamiliar with. Therefore, logic is infinite. It is impossible to learn everything. No matter how much we learn humankind will never be able to learn everything. This is why we take advantage of every opportunity to learn!

Finally see the breakup as an opportunity to grow stronger and wiser. As you heal, your heart grows stronger and stronger. Your outlook will improve! Look forward to seeing the evolved version of yourself! Hopefully this doesn’t trigger any of you, but a breakup might just be a blessing in disguise. Yes it is painful, but no one else was hurt. All that happened was that your heart was shattered into pieces. All that needs to be done is to recollect the shattered pieces of your heart and re-glue them. A recovery from a breakup will help you deal with other emotional challenges, whether if they are lighter or heavier. The thing that will score you the most amount of points is the recovery from the breakup! Completing day to day chores and everyday responsibilities to achieving major goals grants you new points in life! Scoring as many points in life as you can without unnecessarily overstraining yourself emotionally is the second best advice I can ever offer to one going through a breakup!

Another piece of advice i forgot to include is to let go of grudges against your ex, even towards anyone. Im not suggesting to let go because its wrong, but because it is unhealthy to a person as a whole. It can affect your relationships with others and overall all it will do is prevent you from having a positive outlook towards life. Build the time and effort to gradually let go of your grudges. I BELIEVE that one reason why people struggle on accepting and moving on is because they hold resentment towards their ex. Part of accepting and moving on is to let go of hatred. Hatred is never healthy at all. Try to see yourself as the bigger person and pity them for what they are if you were in the right.

Conclusion: Yes it is a hard and difficult road with many roadblocks and obstacles. A breakup will be like a rollercoaster. Some days are easier. Other days it may be a challenge getting out of bed! Remember that as you go through this you will grow. You will mature. You are in the process of overcoming one of life's most emotional challenges. You will grow stronger. You will be able to lead other people as well. See your breakup as a physical illness/injury that requires time and judicious effort to bring yourself up for recovery. Finally, I want you to scream at the sky. Scream and yell at the top of your lungs saying that you will not let the past cling onto you and you will be mighty and work on yourself to recover. To give you some motivation, think about the low economic status the poor residents of Africa suffer from. They go through so many fears. They lack housing, food, access to medical care, as well as lack of access to clean water. They have to go through the fear of losing someone dear to them and may have even lost so many loved ones from disease or poor living conditions. Despite these emotional challenges they struggle from, they are always up on their feet, working for survival, staying positive and happy. They are some of the mightiest people on Earth. If these people were able to achieve such emotional strength from these hardships, then why can’t you? To become strong like them, challenge yourself. Stop relying on simple everyday comforts such as Wifi and technology and strive to improve. Becoming stronger means extending your comfort zone. Everyday challenges was how the people of poor economic status stand mightier. My overall summarizing advice is to not try and simply “move on.” In fact, I encourage you to embrace your grief and grow from it. Every emotion serves its purpose in our hearts. Happiness brings us energy and motivation, but negative emotions such as anger and grief grant us exceptional emotional growth once we recover from them. Therefore it is at times of hardship, no matter how big it is, should be embraced. The summary of this post is: rest. Then cradle. Then stand. Then baby steps. Then walk. Then sprint. Then sprint faster. Finally. sprint as fast as you can.

#breakups

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