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#it's like I'm in high school again
apipefullofdreams · 1 year
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today, I hate you
because you made me believe in love,
spinning in a pretty dress at high school homecoming,
you made me believe I could be the one someday.
today I hate you because you left me crying alone
at lunch a few too many times,
because you told me I walked funny so now I
watch the ground to make sure I don’t do it anymore.
today I hate you because you made me promise
so many things a 15 year-old never should have to.
today I hate you because you took a child’s innocence
and made her compete with you in a game of
who could be sad enough.
today I hate you because I try to move on
and I still google your name to make sure
you’re not living out my 15 year old nightmares
lying on your bathroom floor bleeding out.
today I hate you because I try to find love
and I sit here with the insecurities you gave me,
because I feel like a 15 year old being abandoned
every time my heart gets broken by someone else.
today I hate you because I find you in every person
I want to kiss. they’re not you but
they’re always just like you.
it seems I want the emotionally abusive,
manipulative, piece of shits that can make me believe
I can be enough
until they take it away with a few sharp words.
so fuck you. today I hate you because I
never hated you enough.
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inkskinned · 11 months
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one of the things about being an educator is that you hear what parents want their kids to be able to do a lot. they want their kid to be an astronaut or a ballerina or a politician. they want them to get off that damn phone. be better about socializing. stop spending so much time indoors. learn to control their own temper. to just "fucking listen", which means to be obedient.
one of the things i learned in my pedagogy classes is that it's almost always easier to roleplay how you want someone to act. it's almost always easier to explain why a rule exists, rather than simply setting the rule and demanding adherence.
i want my kids to be kind. i want them to ask me what book they should read next, and i want to read that book with them so we can discuss it. i want my kid to be able to tell me hey that hurt my feelings without worrying i'll punish them. i want my kid to be proud of small things and come running up to me to tell me about them. i want them to say "nah, i get why this rule exists, but i get to hate it" and know that i don't need them to be grateful-for-the-roof-overhead while washing the dishes. i want them to teach me things. i want them to say - this isn't safe. i'm calling my mom and getting out of this. i want them to hear me apologize when i do fuck up; and i want them to want to come home.
the other day a parent was telling me she didn't understand why her kid "just got so angry." this woman had flown off the handle at me.
my dad - traditional catholic that he is - resents my sentiment of "gentle parenting". he says they'll grow up spoiled, horrible, pretentious. granola, he spits.
i am going to be kind to them. i am going to set the example, i think. and whatever they choose become in the meantime - i'm going to love them for it.
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podcastwizard · 8 months
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when you tell your friend you're "doing great, actually" but your youtube history looks like this
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uncanny-tranny · 1 year
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The nice thing about reaching adulthood as a trans person is that there are plenty of instances where, before as a kid, your transness mattered, but now it doesn't necessarily
When I was in high school, I was required to take a P.E. class to graduate, and I was always yelled at for being late and bringing my backpack to class with me because I couldn't change in locker rooms like the other guys. I changed in a faculty restroom and brought my bag with me, my tardiness be damned. It gave me an unhealthy view of fitness because I despised how othered I felt, and I couldn't articulate why I didn't feel safe necessarily. I felt like transness would always be what others saw before they saw me, and I hated that feeling. I don't like being seen as The Trans Person, I just like being seen as me, where being trans is part of me but not the whole.
However, as an adult, I can join a gym and they don't fucking care. I get to retrain how to have a healthy relationship with fitness on my own terms because now, I have the freedom to be left the fuck alone about my transness. I love weightlifting, I love feeling physically fit, and high school was not the place for me as a trans person.
If any young trans person is feeling how I felt about their transness being front-and-center, just, please hold out hope. I know shit's scary, especially for you young people, and I do not blame you for how you feel. Just know that there can be good out there.
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Midwestern emo songs are fucking insane cause it'll be this sad mid boy who can't sing for the life of him and then suddenly they say the most profound lyrics that would make shakespeare, edgar allen poe, and fiztgerald all simultaniously go into a coma and you sit there like hell yeah. anyways.
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01tsubomi · 4 months
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cultural perspective being indispensible in media consumption but looking back i find it so funny that for years and years before teaching in japan i thought it was another suspension-of-disbelief surrealist kagepro thing that haruka and takane spent all their time in a homeroom class for just the two of them and now the maximum number of kids we've ever had in my special needs class is 3
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alabyte · 17 days
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just finished reading Hard Contact and how right my friends were to call this book a golden book of memes
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wildbow is a deeply contemptible person but god can he write the pervasive sense of loneliness and unhealthy relationships that oscillate between codepence and indifference that form after being systemically dehumanized
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nerdferatum · 18 days
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Listen, I know every fandom has its problems and that I've been away t*wc for a while, but it's so nice to feel welcomed every time i post anything about it. I miss smaller fandoms that feel like a community. I post a Morgan messy sketch after a year or so of silence about it and everyone has something kind to say
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hamartia-grander · 1 month
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Starting to slowly realise I'm really not doing well mentally and it's. concerning. I feel like I should take a break from tumblr bc it takes some of what little energy I have but it's also my source of joy with friends so idk what to do, like I'd miss y'all more than I'd feel good about being away. But if you notice me talking less/not responding in days it's bc I just cannot. I leave your message notifs up so I don't forget tho <3
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quatregats · 22 days
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Okay hear me out. What if Hornblower and Lady Barbara but they're high school math olympians and also have a crazy psychosexual rivalry with each other
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bumblingbabooshka · 6 months
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Someone on the "is it not enough to see Tuvok" post commented "Unfortunately, seeing Tuvok frequently requires also seeing a Neelix, which is unacceptable." and Bea, I am being sooo brave about it, I've not even murdered them (yet)
I am pinning this to your lapel like a purple heart:
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They are worsties, they're divorced despite never being married, they have pigtail crushes on each other, they are mutually annoying co-workers, they are middle aged men and also high school girls with the most insane beef ever, family men without families, orchid breeders (one for sustenance and the other for beauty), they're everything.
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melit0n · 10 hours
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thawthebeez · 8 months
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hey guys. tumblr user thawthebeez back at it again with yet another haikyuu essay B) the topic of today is one that i see NOBODY talking about which is crazy because this motif is (in my opinion) one of the main foundations of the kagehina community.
now may someone please explain to me why the HELL nobody ever talks about how whenever Tobio expresses an insecurity of ANY KIND, Hinata is ALWAYS the first one to swoop in and tell him not to worry about it?
yes, we've all established that Hinata Shouyou is the #1 Kageyama Tobio understander. we get that. BUT THIS IS ONE OF THE MAIN DISPLAYS OF THAT AND I'VE SEEN LITERALLY NOBODY SPEAK OF IT EVER.
i'm pretty sure there's an instance of it in season 2 (either that or my brain just made it up) when Tobio is a little worried about his and Hinata's quick attack not really working out but Hinata tells him "nah you'll figure it out eventually" or something along those lines. i'm not going to lose my shit over it because i can't find it but if you know YOU KNOW.
a part that i COULD find from season 2, however, was this:
here we have Tobio explaining how talented of a setter Oikawa is- how he's so much better than him- and it's clear that this is something he's insecure about given his facial expression.
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THEN we have Hinata's INSTANT response:
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and it blows Tobio away because WHAT
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because, to paraphrase a little, Tobio basically just said "yeah oikawa can make any spiker look good no matter what team he's on" to which Hinata replied "yeah but that team wouldn't be Karasuno" which is essentially "Karasuno is strong enough as it is" BUT- if ur crazy- " dw he wouldn't take your spot babe" (<- which probably isn't how it's meant to be interpreted because they just finished talking about The Team That's Stronger As Six thing so like... context clues. it's probably not the insane interpretation).
ANYWAYS boom there it is. Tobio expresses insecurity, Shouyou swoops in and goes "Ermmmm Actuallyyyyy🤓" WHICH IS SO FUCKING ENDEARING ON IT'S OWN BUT THE FACT THAT IT HAPPENS MORE THAN ONCE AND AT SUCH A CRITICAL POINT TOO
the critical point in question being:
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(context: Tobio just came back from his training camp in Tokyo and is a little frustrated because he's gotten so used to playing with other prodigies like himself so to go back to talented-but-not-prodigious players is a bit of a switch for him. don't get him wrong tho he loves this team to DEATH it's just a little different that's all. hashtag number one Tobio apologist right here)
SO THERE'S THIS! and it goes without saying that Tobio is DEEPLY insecure about his late middle-school days and being referred to as a king. Tsukishima adds a little salt to the wound and while I didn't take a screenshot of it Tobio makes this look of absolute HORROR after he says what he says
(which, side note, shows a lot of a character development within Tobio. especially since I've been flipping between season 2 and 4 a lot looking for these clips. Tobio didn't even notice when he was acting kingly before but he realizes it INSTANTLY now which is so so so good for him yayyyy character development!)
this also leads fantastically into my next tangent which is
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TOBIO FUCKING APOLOGIZES!
now, admittedly this isn't entirely related to my thesis but i absolutely ADORE talking about this scene and i genuinely think it is one of the most prevalent displays of character development within Tobio because i feel like he tends to get overshadowed by all the other characters (especially Hinata, which i'm not upset about in the slightest like it makes perfect sense and if Tobio got all the attention all the time the show would be soooo unbalanced)
but I feel like a lot of people skip over Tobio's overall development over the course of the show. I mean compare s1 Tobio to s4 Tobio THAT IS NOT SAME PERSON ANYMORE. he grows so much over such a short period of time (which is another essay I could write. something along the lines of "Explaining Why Tobio And Shouyou Need To Be On Separate Teams Actually Because Character Development Purposes" because the amount of people i've seen on tiktok complaining about kghn being on separate teams and how they should just be on the same team forever makes my blood boil violently) and it's so refreshing to see Tobio's growth especially as a big Tobio enjoyer.
ANYWAYS back to the main thesis.
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So Hinata steps in IMMEDIATELY here. literally cuts Tobio's apology off because HE HAS NOTHING TO APOLOGIZE FOR. he was expressing his thoughts whatever that's fine he could have done it in a nicer way SURE but listen the guy still has a LOOOONNNGGGG way to go but still, nothing to apologize for. it's just growing pains, y'know?
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now the quote "What's wrong with him being the King again?" appearing here isn't the first time we're seeing this. Hinata has ALWAYS been confused as to why calling Tobio a "King" is a bad thing. literally from day fucking one Hinata was like "nah dude I think that title is cool" WHICH, AGAIN, TOBIO BEING INSECURE ABOUT SOMETHING AND SHOUYOU REASSURING HIM THAT IT'S TOTALLY CHILL HELLO?????
LITERALLY FROM DAY ONE SHOUYOU HAS BEEN DOING THIS. THAT MAN MAY THINK TOBIO'S AN ASSHOLE SOMETIMES (and he kinda is) BUT NEVER WILL HINATA INHERENTLY HATE A PART OF HIM. and i don't think they realize it here nor do i think the realization comes soon after but at some point there will be the realization that they love each other. every single part. fucking Tobio probably realized it way back in junior high but that's a tangent for another time.
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now this line.... this one right here...... oh my god i can be SO NORMAL ABOUT IT.
the main reason why Tobio had this look of HORROR on his face after he yelled at everyone was BECAUSE HE KNEW THE ENDING. he knew that yelling at them would have consequences (if it weren't for Hinata stepping in thank god). HE'S SEEN IT ALL BEFORE. in his final year of junior high he yelled at his teammates to run faster and jump higher and be better AND THEY LEFT HIM!!!
so Tobio yelling like this instantly makes him afraid that he's just ruined the entire balance of the team. he thinks he's going to be left behind again because he yelled and everyone is going to leave him BUT!!!!!
BUT SHOUYOU IMMEDIATELY JUMPS IN AND SAYS "idc what u say honestly if i don't like i'm just not gonna listen" OR, TO TRANSLATE "i'm not going anywhere regardless of what you say"
Tobio's biggest fear is losing this team. I literally do not need to explain why. that man would fucking DIE for this team (if you really need an explanation just to go the end of the Kamomedai match when Tobio admits that he's upset they lost because he wanted to play with that specific team more).
and for Hinata to essentially say "you could literally be as kingly as u want and i simply would not care, pal, i promise you i am NOT going ANYWHERE!!!" which has got to be SO FUCKING RELIEVING FOR TOBIO.
(also something something "nobody was there" / "i'm here" something something "doesn't matter what kind of toss goes up if you send it my way i'm hitting it" something something they're soulmates or whatever they are literally bound together by the universe they were destined to be together and it's a crime that universe kept them apart for so long and now that they're together they will always BE together two peas in a pod literally inseparable they are hot glued and duct taped together.)
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and then there's this. i mean at this point you already know what i'm going to say like you get it by now but again IT MUST BE SO RELIEVING TO TOBIO to know that shouyou thinks his biggest insecurity is cool. that shouyou thinks that it's not something to be concerned about. that no matter what, no matter how much a King he is, they're not going anywhere.
SOMETHING SOMETHING "you drew stars around my scars" IF YOU EVEN CARE
and just the fact that it's always ALWAYS shouyou to do this. the fact that there was dead silence before shouyou spoke up. the fact that it's ALWAYS HIM there to understand Tobio (someone who has been misunderstood for as long as he can remember) GOD THEY DRIVE ME INSANE.
anyways thank you for being a witness to this madness👍
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atombonniebaby · 8 months
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Okay, but apparently, yesterday marked my 2yr autism diagnosis anniversary!
Needless to say...
I have embraced the fuck out of it!
Tumblr lets me share my favoritest little guy with other humans! I love you all!
There is a reason I like to take screenshots. (Note the mug warmer for all that coffee/tea I used to let go cold.)
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All my Oversized 🙌🏻 COMFY🙌🏻 Tees ❤️
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I'm also hanging with the cat (literally...I'm in a hammock chair!) - her name is Mia as she is a dick. (in an adoring way)
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(Oh and it'll be 3yrs in October for the ADHD diagnosis...but I'll probably forget about that...so have an 'I didn't know I was ADHD' memory)
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As you were...
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oflgtfol · 10 days
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i was talking to my therapist last week about how i'm kinda excited but also equally apprehensive about starting grad school this fall because yes, i so so desperately needed a gap year otherwise i think i literally would have killed myself and/or had a breakdown big enough to land me in the hospital, and even beyond that i just needed to figure out a more concrete plan of what i'm going to do with my life in general -- while all of that is true, and i'm glad i took the gap year for it, i'm also apprehensive because i genuinely feel like an entirely different person than i was even at this exact point in time last year, nevermind anything earlier than that. it's only been a single year of me being out of school but my life has changed so dramatically, mostly for the better, and my whole personality has flipped on its head, it's just going to be so fucking weird going back to the same school, the same campus, potentially seeing my old friends around. augh
#sorry i was trying to find a post in my music tag in my archive and i scrolled so far back i got all the way to april 2023#where i referenced sitting in a dining hall#and its like. DINING HALL ?!?!?!#im going to be sitting in the fucking dining hall again in just like four months. UGH#brot posts#it's almost similar to the separation between high school and college. where i feel like hs me was completely different than college me#and now only a mere year later i feel like. post-undergrad me is completely different than undergrad me#although now that separation is exacerbated by how short a time it was and just HOW drastic a change it was#like . a bitch goes on antidepressants suddenly theyre a whole new person.#like im lowkey excited to see my old classmates and friends again#but i also am dreading it bc like hi. hey. i have the same name and face as the person you knew but i'm someone else now. sorry#and also just the persistent fear that i'm going to regress or at least even just /feel/ like im regressing#just by being back in that environment again?#even if i'll be on meds this time and actually going to therapy and overall having so much more support than i did in the past#so as nostalgic as i am to be on campus again it's also like. hard to separate the present from the past#like despite it all. this bathroom was still the very same place i went to have a mental breakdown weekly#this bench outdoors was the place i sat by myself to eat lunch in the blistering cold bc i couldnt eat indoors during covid 2020-2021#this bench indoors was where my friends had an intervention with me and forced me to call the on-campus mental health services#just . idk. feeling a strange mix of nostalgia and also being haunted by bad memories#oh the woes of going to grad school at the same place you got your undergrad. While mentally ill#but alas i need to save money by commuting and having instate tuition
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