#its autism awareness month so you kind of have to read this

[surr3al1sm]

Just Dancers and their favourite Efteling attraction + fairytale!

Night Swan is here too btw, its just like Canned Heat.

I stand behind my choices and am not afraid to go into heavy detail (and I will for some of them). Everything’s below the cut :)

This is going to confuse so many of you but being very real with you: I don't care. This is me mixing my special intrest with my current hyperfixation and you cannot stop me.

Wanderlust

The attraction I chose for Wanderlust is called Symbolica. It’s a dark ride that takes you on a tour through the Palace of the world of wonders aka Symbolica. I feel like he really enjoys this ride simply because of the whimsy of it. It’s an exploration through all different kinds of rooms (from a garden with a huge whale to a ballroom with all different types of dancers). It just feels right up his alley. He would 100% pick the music tour (and get into an argument with Jack in line why the music tour is better than the treasure tour). They always end up going for Wander’s choice though.

The fairytale I picked for Wanderlust is the Indian Water Lillies. I picked this fairytale for its story! I feel like it’s something he would really enjoy. If you don’t know it here’s a little summary: The stats dance on the water at night, and return to the sky before the first light of day. One day the stars refuse to come back through. The sun rises and a witch curses the stars. Now they’re water lillies during the day and dance as girls during the night.

Sara

The attraction I chose for Sara is called Dreamflight. It’s also a dark ride but it takes you through the world of fae and trolls. I feel like Sara would be a big fan of the fairies and maybe even have a plush of one of them. She always buys the pictures of her and the others whenever they go.

The fairytale I chose for Sara is Rapunzel (Raponsje). Although this version follows the original source of Rapunzel much closer, I think we all know the premise of it. I feel like it would be her favourite fairytale, why? Purely vibes. She does compare Jack to Rapunzel every chance she gets just to mess with him.

Brezziana

The attraction I chose for Brezziana is called Joris and the Dragon. It’s a roller coaster based on the story of Joris and the Dragon. I chose a roller coaster for Brezziana because I feel like she would enjoy roller coaster’s more than dark rides because of the thrill. The story doesn’t really influence why I chose this ride for Brezz. I feel like she would be more interested in the racing aspect of the ride. She would definitely challenge her friends to races if they were in the park on a quiet day. Brezziana is 100% a water side girlie (and good on her because water always wins). I feel like she would also really like the theming for this ride.

The fairytale I chose for Brezziana is Snow white. A true classic really. Don’t think I need to tell you the story of this one either. Brezziana really does strike me as a princess enjoyer, so thats mainly why I went for Snow White. A simple classic that no one can blame her for.

Mihaly

The attraction I chose for Mihaly is called Fata Morgana. It’s a dark ride that takes you on an adventure through the stories of the 1001 Nights (in a boat). I feel like they really like this ride because it’s often seen as a way to relax in the middle of a busy day or at the end of the day. I also think that they like it for all the different scenes you see throughout. Although they used to be really scared of the giant that you encounter near the end of the side as a child.

The fairytale I chose for Mihaly is called Frau Holle. I picked this fairytale because I feel like they would really agree with the message behind it. If you don’t know the fairytale it basically tells the story of a very hard working girl. One day this girl falls down a well while doing chores. In this well she gets transported to another dimension. In this dimension she does chores for Frau Holle. When she goes back to the human world she is rewarded with loads of gold. Her spoiled step sister throws herself down the well in search of gold, but once she comes back she’s covered in soot because she didn’t work hard enough. I feel like Mihaly would really agree with the idea that you get rewarded for the hard work that you do. Also Frau Holle is just iconic and we love her.

Jack Rose

The attraction that I chose for Jack is called the Flying Dutchman. It’s a roller coaster that is based on the legend of the Flying Dutchman. He likes it because of the theming and music. Thats all really, no other reason (looks at Night Swan who doesn’t like this one bc theres a tiny possibility that you can get wet and she doesn’t want to ruin her perfect outfit). No but in all honesty: he’s right. This is the best one.

The fairytale I chose for Jack is called the Red Shoes. It’s a fairytale about a poor orphan girl who gets adopted by this old lady. The old lady gives her a pair of red shoes that she can dance in. Eventually the old lady falls ill, but instead of caring for the lady the girl goes to a ball. As a sort of moment of instant karma the girl gets cursed and now she has to dance in those shoes forever. Seems decently innocent right? Nope. It ends with a lumberjack cutting off the girls feet. The shoes continue to dace, even without the girl. Feels right up Jack’s alley ngl. I feel like he talks about liking it really innocently too, and when people read the story they’re just kind of horrified. (It was between this one and the little match girl so)

Night Swan

The attraction I chose for Night Swan is called Villa Volta. Its a mad house type of attraction where like the entire room spins (or at least thats the illusion that is created). Basically the house got cursed and only someone with a soul as pure as a new born baby can list the curse. Just feels like her type of thing. Also she heavily vibes with the music.

The fairytale I chose for Night Swan is called the Chinese Nightingale. Although this is a very ironic fairytale for her to like (basically a ruler with a god complex finds out that they’re truly not as great as they thought they were), I feel like she would because it made Jack cry as a kid. Thats all, that amused her enough.

Thank you for listening to me yap.

#its autism awareness month so you kind of have to read this #i should probably mention that the efteling is a dutch themepark #the target audience for this post is me and the other dutch just dance enjoyer that sometimes pops up on my feed #jd #just dance #just dance fandom #jack rose jd #jd wanderlust #jd mihaly #jd brezziana #sara jd #night swan jd #efteling

[blueper-saiyan]

alright I have a fandom hot take to get off my chest. It rubs me the wrong way a bit when I see people refer to Vegeta as Bulma’s (or occasionally Goku’s) pet. Honestly I’ve made the joke myself and I usually don’t mind it, but I feel a bit guilty/weird about it, and it’s taken me months to work out why. I think first there’s an in-universe reason. Vegeta’s actual backstory is that he was functionally Freeza’s pet for about three decades. And I don’t really want to compare his relationship with Bulma or Goku to his relationship with Freeza in a way that makes it sound like he just changed ownership. I’m pretty sure part of the reason the joke is so common is that Vegeta does call his own redemption(ish) arc “being domesticated.” (At least in English, I’m not worrying about the Japanese original today) It’s absolutely funny that he thinks of it that way, but I also think that Vegeta’s opinion can’t be trusted on anything, especially himself. It’s one of the more interesting parts of the character to me that he doesn’t quite think of himself as a person (a topic worth its own meta). He’s also got the aforementioned history of being dehumanized. Combining that with his internalized idea that the only valuable trait is strength and being kind or merciful or caring is just weakness, it makes sense that he might decide to label his character development as “domestication,” even though that’s not really a good description of learning to find contentment in peace and care for others. So part of why that line is funny is the irony, even if there is some truth to it. Taking it at face value and using it as a joke on its own without the irony sort of feels like it misses the point for me.

Then there’s the half that I feel sort of guilty posting because I know it’s not the intent behind the jokes and it feels like I’m getting upset over something trivial and saying this feels accusatory, but I’m getting my hot take out of my system once and for all regardless. I feel like I see people say Vegeta is a pet either because he doesn’t have a job and he’s just living off Bulma’s money, or because he’s really weird sometimes. And I really don’t like the implications of either of those. Again, I am aware it’s a joke, I know that I’m not supposed to be taking it literally, but. Not working a job sure as hell doesn’t make someone less than human. Being financially supported by someone else does not make someone a pet, that’s spectacularly fucked up. And behaving strangely, even in an animalistic way, also does not make someone less than human or someone else’s pet. (and for the record I can’t actually think of much Vegeta has done that’s animalistic in canon, the closest to that has been eating the bug person, and he did that in a pretty human way. He cooked that bug person first and everything lol. Vegeta being cruel is not animalistic, it’s just a negative character trait. Most animals aren’t even aware enough to be cruel, so it’s a pretty human negative trait at that. I know it’s popular fanon to make him more animalistic but it is fanon. That’s probably a really hot take too but whatever.) Actually this goes for jokes about Goku too, who is the one who actually has some “animalistic” traits in canon. I hate the implication that the way either of them acts would make them the “pet” of a more “normal” human character. It feels really gross. Especially because they read far more as neurodivergent and/or having trauma then they do as true aliens. Part of that is an inherent side product of writing aliens as a human, because you can only really use things that humans are familiar with. But there’s also a whole history of which human traits get used to make an alien seem “inhuman.” I’m only personally familiar with the autism part of that history, but I know there’s lot more than that. Regardless, it certainly has an effect if you have those “inhuman” traits that people say are what makes an alien or robot or whatever into something less than human. So uh, “Vegeta is Bulma’s pet because he’s blunt, aggressive, often confused by other people’s intentions, and doesn’t always understand Earth” does not feel great as a joke. I know it’s not that serious and I know that’s not the underlying intention and I know that caring about this character in particular really does not help my case. But I guess I just can’t quite escape my feelings about it anyway.

#I’ve been brooding on this for at least a year I’m sorry about this one #No hate to anyone who does find the jokes funny #I can see why and some of them *are* funny #And it took me ages to even articulate why it gives me pause #But I guess I think it’s at least worth pointing it out in case anyone else feels the same #I’m sure Goku fans could give their own version of this rant because I see a similar trend there

[tblsomedoodles]

(Back when the Donnie Au was first suggested. I had a lot of ideas and ask but decided against it because of fear of overshadowing the original Au. But now that it has its own tag might as well share some:)

1) Do the 2003 gang know about Donnie’s Autism? How does Raphie feel about it?

2) How does Donnie feel about 18 April and viceversa? (Giving that in the show April is the closest to Donnie)

3) (Since Donnie is Marie favorite cousin) what kind of shenanigans where they do together? I can personally see Marie sneaking Donnie into her school. (without Raphies permission)

Lol yeah, Donnie's version grew on me so it got it's own tag : )

1) I think they would know, or at least figure it out along the way. They are pretty aware that Donnie is a bit different. There was a lot of trial and error involved in finding textures and foods he didn't hate (it didn't help that he didn't talk for the first few months he was with them. I'll get into that later, i have a comic planned for it : ) ) I think Don would eventually bring it up seemingly off hand like

Don: It's possible he may be autistic.

Raphie: is that a bad thing?

Don: No, It just means his brain works differently then a neurotical's would. Some symptoms are difficulty communicating and socializing, limited interests, repetitive behavior. More specifically things like not making eye contact, being upset by changes in routine, intense focus on very specific topics, being sensitive to various sensory inputs like textures/tastes/or sound. That's just a few. It varies with each person.

Raphie: It does sound like him though.

Don: That's what i thought. I have some articles saved if you want to read them.

and Raphie would read them b/c he desperately wants to understand his kid. I think it would help, if only to reassure him that he's not doing anything wrong and give him ways of helping (getting him good headphones for if noises are too much, fidget toys, weighted blankets. not making him socialize if he doesn't feel up for it. Listening to hyperfixation rants even though he only understands every other word. Basically just Raphie getting best dad award b/c he loves his son.)

2) I think they'd get along pretty well. Donnie would be no stranger to having adopted human family members so once he gets to know her a little, they'd probably be damn near as close as they were in canon.

3) Oh my gosh yes! Growing up with Donnie would be an absolute game changer for Marie! She probably wouldn't be as passive about learning techy stuff b/c Donnie right there learning it with her (also can see the two of them designing weapons that scare the parents.) These two would be the absolute best murder duo.

And she would TOTALLY sneak him into school! Like this little 8 yo Marie sneaks her 10 yo turtle cousin into elementary school telling the teachers he's a new student with a skin condition (please don't ask him about it. he's shy.) (plus, our little brat of a turtle would have easily hacked the school's computers to add himself on the list for the day.) Raphie would be panicking b/c he DOESN'T KNOW WHERE HIS SON IS! Casey! Why is he not at your house! He's supposed to be at your house!?! Only to eventually find out he went to school and now Raphie has to convince someone the school doesn't know to pretend to be Donnie's parent just so he can get his damn kid back.

There is so much potential for these two getting into shenanigans growing up together.

Thank you!

#asks #tmnt #rottmnt #adopted donnie au

[copperbadge]

Hi Sam! I’m a few years younger than you, and like you (iirc) I struggled with a good deal of depression in my 20s. In the decade+ since then I’ve always just thought of my inability to do tasks and frequent lack of motivation as like a “background depression” kind of thing. I didn’t have any of the depressed feelings, but I’ve always just associated that kind of mental fatigue with being depressed.

In the past couple of years I’ve really started wondering more about adhd as I’ve seen more people talking about it and found myself identifying with a lot of it. I’ve thought about getting evaluated, but I always just keep coming back to writing it off due to my history of depression and keep thinking a doctor would probably do the same. So I was just wondering if that’s come up at all for you, either in your evaluation process or getting medicated or anything. This whole process has been really interesting and enlightening to read about, so thanks for all the partying you’ve done!

It actually did come up, because here's the thing: ADHD is apparently frequently misdiagnosed as depression. Particularly in women, who have lower ADHD diagnoses overall (for primarily sexist rather than biological reasons) but not uncommonly in men, as well.

They share a lot of traits: depression causes lethargy (lack of executive function), and you can feel numb (depression can manifest as numbness rather than sadness) because your brain is trying to shut out the constant stream of inputs you're receiving that you either can't sort or are sorting too efficiently. If you "act weird" socially because you're wired a bit different, that can lead to isolation, and if you “can't seem to get your shit together” because of your disability, that can also lead to low-self worth, and both of these things cause depression.

I think we sometimes forget that depression can exist as a result of actually being sad about something, not just as a condition on its own. You can Have Depression for no reason but you can also Have Reasons To Be Depressed.

So especially if you haven't been extensively treated for depression -- I've never been medicated for it and left therapy (voluntarily) at eighteen -- but even if you have, whoever is diagnosing you for ADHD may see your depression as evidence of ADHD. And honestly, any specialist that automatically rules out ADHD or Autism because of a diagnosis of depression is not a specialist you should be trusting. Maybe you don't have ADHD, but it shouldn't be ruled out just because you have a diagnosis of depression.

I don't know if I ever actually had the depression I was diagnosed with. Maybe I did! Maybe I do! What I know is that there came a point where I felt like I kinda had life figured out, I was looking after myself and holding down a good job and doing okay socially -- and that’s the point at which I stopped having severe depressive episodes. The episodes I did have became progressively milder. Even when I was really, really struggling in early 2022, I didn’t feel depressed. I was just not doing very well and aware that something was really wrong with me.

And that too stopped the week I started taking Adderall. 

My standard dose is 10mg per day, sometimes 20 if it's a long work day, and even on that relatively low dose my to do list is the shortest it's been in years, my home is cleaner than it’s been since I moved in, and I'm doing better at work than I have in about six months. I don’t know what the long-term effects will be, since my depressive episodes were down to maybe twice a year if that and I’ve only been on the drug for two months, but even if they do come back I’m radically more prepared for them now. 

So I’d say talk to a psychiatrist who specializes in adult ADHD and/or diagnosis of neurodiversity, and if they rule you out automatically due to depression, talk to a different psychiatrist. I’m not saying shop around until you get a diagnosis, just talk to someone who’s not willing to automatically say no. Good luck, however it turns out -- depression is a real thing too, and should have compassionate and effective treatment, so even if you don’t have ADHD it’s good to know what your options for depression are.  

#sam has adhd #adhd #depression #neurodiversity

[nothingtherefornow]

Sadly and furiously, there's worse teachers than Bustier and Mendeleiv, and worse principals than Damoclès in real life

I've just read stories and testimonials from people about their years in primary and secondary school in France, And I've realized that, in fact, there are really so much worse cases than Miss Bustier, Mrs. Mendeliev, and Mr. Damocles as teachers and principals in real life :

Teachers and principals who aren't just enablers, but bullies themselves. Teachers who select one of their students as a scapegoat to vent all their frustrations, often punishing them unfairly, and ignoring or making fun of their difficulties, humiliating them in front of other students, etc. To the point that it also encouraged others students to bully the scapegoat student. One testimony particularly schoked me :

"I had a teacher who found all possible excuses to punish me, when we had presentations/assignements to make, the others in my class had 1 week to do it... I had to do it for the day after. She very often deprived me of recess, prevented me from going to the toilets, but above all, she couldn't see me so much that she very often sent me to the principal's class to do my punishments. She and the director were very good friends, and the director also had fun punishing me and saying mean things about me in front of her students. I was the student not to become. And this had quite a repercussion since the class of the director attacked me physically and also mentally during the lunch break (the only recess I had the right to because I had to eat), which , over the months, had rounded up all the other classes who came to harass me too (except my class, being aware that I did nothing wrong). And the harassment was even sometimes sexual and I confess that I do not understand how no supervisor could see what was happening."

it's terrifying how Miraculous actually only shows a fraction of school bullying and what a bad teacher is

Fortunately there are also testimonials on teachers who have helped students a lot.

A favorite youtuber of mine spoke of a teacher in a large kindergarten section who had traumatized her, and led her to withdraw into herself and never participate in class again. Then in CP, she had a teacher who was the exact opposite, fair, kind and attentive A teacher who helped her heal the wounds of the previous year. as kindergarten and primary shared the same canteen, the bad teacher and the good teacher already knew each other, and one day the youtuber witnessed a conversation between the two teachers of which she was the subject. The good teacher complimented her student and expressed her joy to have her in her class, while the bad teacher dared to ask "are you sure she is not mentally retarded?" about her former student, and she added that "according to science" students who are too well behaved hid a vice, and that one should not hesitate to often punish them, even if it means going as far as corporal punishment. The nice teacher replied that if she were to come across a teacher punishing his students this way, she would report them to the rectorate, slash their car tires, and set their house on fire. Then the good teacher asked to her colleague "I sure hope you're not that kind of teacher, right ?" Karma is rare in real life, but when it does its job, it's a jubilant moment ^^.

This story may be exaggerated, but I found it interesting to cite it

Myself I had an immense chance to have a schooling which took place without aplomb despite my autism thanks also to the presence of my twin sister (my parents always and rightly arranged for us to be in the same class) and I have always had relatively good teachers.

But reading and listening to this kind of testimonies really makes me realize that there are still a lot of bad teachers who do not just enable but also participate in the bullying of one or many students. Those kind of "adults" are the shame of teaching, people who shouldn't even have the right to teach nor approach children.

SPOILER WARNING ABOUT MIRACULOUS SEASON 5

That's why the episode Confrontation had me starting to despise Caline Bustier and Denis Damoclès a lot less, because it's better to have a teacher and principal regretting their past bullying enabling actions and misleading, and wanting to make up for it and become better, rather than teachers and principals who do enjoy abusing their students and never get caught

#miraculous ladybug #bullying and bad teaching #abusive teaching #school trauma and phobia #I hate teachers and students who abuse and torment others #fuck the bullies #whever they are students or teachers #comparison with real lives testimonies

[terraliensvent]

I’m really scared I’m going to out myself by posting this but to be honest I don’t even want to be in terras anymore so I don’t really care. It needs to be said. This isn’t even about the species itself or the mods.

I’m a 21+ y/o system, and I can tell you that I’ve had my fair share of discrimination from other ‘systems’ - most being underage - within this community specifically, multiple times, because most of my alters are ‘too normal’, blunt, whatever. I mean fuck, I had somebody tell me that I made their group feel unsafe because I’m a *persecutor* who is ‘too cynical’. That’s incredibly fucked up and it screwed us up for a short while. As if…persecutors don’t exist for that exact fucking reason.

I don’t agree with every point most blogs make about fake systems, but at this point it’s hard NOT to think that kids do this shit for fun because when they’re faced with an actual alter, they cower and cry ‘you’re making me UNCOMFORTABLE!!’ if they’re not a silly quirky person. I’m so sick of it and this behaviour has had us fakeclaiming ourselves for months because we felt fucking awful about existing.

I feel like I have the right to criticise people’s behaviour towards me because this IS discrimination, no matter how you wanna view it. And it’s normalised in Terras because mods don’t want to allow fakeclaiming (which is fair) but. Come on. Please do some self reflection if you are one of these people.

exactly anon, this is the kind of consequences i was talking about in relation to DID fakers

(adding a read more to this post because i got pretty introspective)

DID kids love to use their various talking points, one of which being that you should never ever even THINK that someone is faking, and even if they are, theres no negative effects to them presenting their warped perception of the disorder as truth.

many DID fakers will tell you that the only ramifications of their nonsense is that DID becomes more discussed and people become more aware of it, and then more people might realize they also have DID

what they dont realize is that a lot of their rhetoric pushes out medically diagnosed people who dont fit into their new definition, despite the fact that their definition is completely false

im gonna use the autism faker crowd as an example since its pretty much 1 to 1 and i have more personal connection to it. this is gonna be a bit of a side tangent but i promise i have a point

for context, i am an adult with a corporate job who suspects themself of being on the autism spectrum. as a slight tangent, personally, i prefer to use the term asperger’s to describe myself despite the history of the term because most of the people i interact with on a day to day basis are on the older side, and in general the social interpretation of asperger’s more closely aligns with my presentation than how many older people (however wrongly they may be) interpret autism.

now, i was in the process of seeking a diagnosis, but because of extraneous circumstances and loss in my family, its pretty much halted. however, i dont think im going to continue this process because for the most part, i have low support needs. granted, as a child i can see areas where i may have needed assistance and understanding, but now as an adult im pretty much aware of what things trigger me and i can implement self soothing strategies in my day to day settings. i can manage my life, and seeking a diagnosis now wouldnt really do a world of difference because i dont have a strong need for accommodations.

despite my low support needs, i still drift on the edges of autistic discussion groups (mostly on reddit), just to see other people who live life like me, who have to put a little extra effort into social situations, and who have to fight tears when touching an incredibly common texture in the same way that i do. and what i see in these groups is that autism fakers are making the lives of autistic adults harder than they actually have to be.

when you tell illness fakers that they are taking resources from people who need them, they will often say “what resources? there arent any systems in place to help people who struggle, so why do you care?” when they couldnt be further from the truth

i see post after post of autistic adults who NEED support, who go to irl support groups for assistance, and are turned away because there is no space. i see autistic adults who are ostracized among other autistic people for being weird or for interacting strangely, and when they explain themself, theyre pushed further because “well all these ‘autistic’ people can operate fine, why cant you?”

suffice to say, i think the crowd of people who fakes disorders and turns them into flashy trends are incredibly selfish, and terraliens in particular is full of that crowd.

(also for future posts ill try not to be so long winded, im not gonna delete any asks talking abt syscourse and stuff like this because i dont really believe in deleting asks, but i want to try and keep it more brief going forward)

#closed species vent #terralien #closed species #terraliens #vent #syscourse #mod rambles

[commander-diomika]

I started a dreamwidth journal. The point of it was that I wanted to explore my voice and thoughts without writing for an audience, inspired by things that Chuck Tingle has written about how masking his genuine voice caused him a lot of anguish over the years. I will cross post the occasional entry here because some people might find it interesting or helpful. This here's an entry I made whilst making a start on reading Unmasking Autism by Devon Price, a book my psych recommended to me.

Perhaps the sore wrist is a sign. I don't exactly believe in fate but I do want there to be an order, a reason for things, or to arrange things for myself into a cohesive narrative. So perhaps I will take this time that I am forcibly removed from some of my self soothing behaviors, viddy games, fixations, and take the opportunity to get real uncomfy with it.

I picked up the Unmasking Autism book over a month ago, read a few pages and snapped it shut, unable to move forward. I'm fucking wallowing through my feelings of injustice, temper tantruming inside and demanding why me? Why did this happen to me? Why was i diagnosed late? Why couldn't people have seen this sooner? Why am I suffering though feeling so fucking misunderstood when the information about autism is not new, its not mysterious. I'm fucking textbook in so many ways.

Picking Unmasking back up I keep having the desire to post to facebook, to send it to my partners to tell my sisters, my dad, to scream from the roof tops LOOK.! This is me! This is how I am! Why don't people understand that? Why can't they make space for that without me having to ask or explain it?

The best way through is taking those parts that reverb like a booming gong inside me and write about them here. (and also talk about them with people, but one step at a time) It will be slow going but that frenzied wail inside of me at certain passages, the one that makes me want to snap the book shut and fling it across the room, needs to GO somewhere, otherwise it will simply vibrate the walls of my being until the mortar holding me together comes completely unglued.

For many masked autistic people, repetitive behavior is something that must remain hidden. If you chew your fingers a lot or keep humming the same 3 note tune to yourself, people will notice and mock you for it. I don't even know what feels good to me. I can't even remember a time when I got to indulge these stimming behaviors freely, without judgement or a filter. I'm constantly policing myself, an ever present awareness of how other people see me, adjusting and modulating for their comfort. Magaret atwood constant observer patriachy plus other shit on top. and I viewed this as a success. Being as "normal" as I am felt like winning. But what am I really getting out of it? No one is really celebrating my stoicism because nobody knows I'm doing it. (I talked about this with my psych.)

We find socially acceptable ways to get the energy out... like playing with our phone. God, as if half the reason I'm dealing with these wrist issues aren't that I'm unable to go moments without looking at my phone, scolling, texting, holding. Constantly easing that boiler pressure inside of me. Elevated risk of eating disorders, insecure attachment, substance abuse and there's that fucking wail again. It was out of my control it was out of my control I was out of control I was always going to be at risk for becoming an addict but maybe if I'd just been better smarter stronger, the "right" kind of disabled or ND person maybe I can forgive myself for being statistically average but I have to be exceptional I must be the best always I have to WIN at having autism it's ok I've got autism but I'm one of the good ones, it's not that bad and suddenly I realise i'm gently rocking back and forth as I feel whatever it is I'm feeling. 

God, I want to just forgive myself for all of it.

That's like a page and a half of the book. Slow going indeed.

#hank talks #asd #autism #unmasking autism #DW crosspost

[mikeyfuckinway]

auuuhhg everyday of my life im like this guy and i are so incompatible. it would never work if we were to date and tbh i do not want to date him traditionally however i am deeply charmed by him and think hes one of the funniest loveliest and most interesting people on this planet earth i WANTED to listen to him talk about the beatles for an hour over lunch and he made me a beatles playlist after i made him a they might be giants playlist and hes so wonderful and i want him to be like. my best friend forever like i want him to be my guy like hes not my bestest estest friend someone else occupies that position and they always will its like that thing where u know someone for so long and your relationship has gone through so many weird phases that nothing is ever going to make you not want to be friends with them anymore like theyre my ultimate person who i will know and love forever. but like i want this other guy to be one of MY guys and. you know what i dont think i have a crush on him anymore. my friends and i were talking about love languages and i am severely physically affectionate and he is a germophobe he has ocd but like thats one of the things i like abt him bc he has things like i do like ticks and habits and we both habitually chew our nails and we are so similar but at the same time we are both so different and hes also really really straight and cis so like i dont think itd ever truly work but anyways we were talking abt love languages and hes like a big quality time guy and im very like i wanna do my things like i love you but if youre doing something im uninterested in i dont want to do it. like i have done things that i wouldnt otherwise do bc he was doing them but like it wasnt a "i dont want to do this" to a "i want to do this bc hes going to be there" it was more of a "im indifferent to this but it sounds fun im just not specifically interested" to a "i specifically would like to do this now bc it sounds fun and also he is going to be there" idk its still a thing where like. im just not a specifically quality time kind of person but since im a physical affection kind of person it can kind of come with it but i dunno oh well oh well. either way i dont think we would fulfill what the other wants out of a relationship idk maybe i would for him mostly but i dont think he would for me. unless our understanding of each other changes dramatically and he spends like a month and a half reading queer theory. then like maybe but still. my biggest problem is i need someone who will understand me and understand why i am the way i am genderwise and the thing is. the people who fully understand the way i am will also probably identify like me bc my identity is a product of my understanding of gender and society and that shit, not the other way around. i identify the way i do mostly bc of how my ideas about that shit have changed and the reading ive done about it. and like also the autism but he kind of has that too like not totally the same but like i said we have like some of the same little things but when it comes to like our ideas of ourselves i think we are very different i also have severely pathologized myself from a young age and also i hated my mom and wanted to kill myself and as far as im aware he was much more well adjusted as a child but i guess i dont really know. hm. but i met his parents when they came for family weekend and also he was like surprised when i said my family doesnt eat dinner together very often so they seem pretty like normal midwest american family and didnt seem like they had many familial issues like my household did which honestly is the least big deal thing to me. like if it was just that id be like whatever that doesnt matter but in addition to all the stuff yknow thats just one more thing that is like very extremely different about us and how we developed as people. like honestly its mostly the queer thing. and the germophobe thing like when we were talking abt it like he did say he would probably be very bad at it in a relationship like i oh wow i hit the character limit

#i didnt know that existed on text posts

[unwhitewashthebadbatch]

Disney Email Draft 2

(going under a cut because it's much longer. Here is the Google Doc link for anyone who would like to comment directly)

Reminder that we are encouraging critiques and comments regarding this email!

To Bob Iger, Kathleen Kennedy, Dave Filoni, Jennifer Corbett, and the creative team of Star Wars: The Bad Batch:

We hope this email finds you all well. We are fans of color, disabled fans, neurodivergent fans, and Jewish fans writing out of concern for the portrayal of our communities in the Disney+ series Star Wars: The Bad Batch. For several months now, we have been campaigning on social media to spread awareness about these concerns through #UnwhitewashTBB, a movement we began to raise awareness about the ways in which the series has poorly represented several minoritized groups of people.

Just like the creators of Star Wars: The Bad Batch, all of the creators of #UnwhitewashTBB grew up with Star Wars as the backbones of their childhoods, and for many of us, Star Wars: The Clone Wars was crucial to our development as artists, writers, creators, and lifelong Star Wars fans. We are all firm believers in the phrase “Star Wars is for everyone”, and we would like to see Disney support that message by hearing our plea.

As fans of color, as disabled fans, as neurodivergent fans, and as Jewish fans, we’ve seen ourselves on screen in both good and bad ways, but recently it has been more the latter than the former. One such reason is Star Wars: The Bad Batch, a show whose premise piqued many fans’ interest, but whose main cast has left an increasingly sour taste in the mouths of those who watched.

The series follows an elite squad of clone troopers who have named themselves The Bad Batch, due in part to their series of mutations that gives them an edge over regular clones on the battlefield. These mutations drastically altered the appearance of each of the members to a generally lighter, more Caucasian appearance--one that is inconsistent with how the original Jango Fett actor Temuera Morisson looks. Fans take issue with the implications in the writing and design of The Bad Batch: that in order to be elite, special, and better than one’s contemporaries--in order to have a story worth telling--one must also be white or as close as possible.

Merriam-Webster defines whitewashing as “to alter (something) in a way that favors, features, or caters to white people: such as to alter (an original story) by casting a white performer in a role based on a nonwhite person or fictional character” The #UnwhitewashTBB movement comes with two carrds explaining the grievances of the fans. A summary for each character is given below:

Sergeant Hunter, the leader, closely resembles Sylvester Stallone’s Rambo character, despite being a clone of a man of color. The importance of his character, the fatherliness he has with Omega, and his centrality to both their Season 7 appearance in The Clone Wars and the series itself sends the message that important people look

Wrecker is the demolitions expert, and he’s the only member of The Bad Batch with features similar to that of a Maori man’s, like Temuera Morrison/Jango Fett. He’s large with broad features, brown skin, and is a stereotype of men of color. His personality as first introduced to the audience was that of a loud, aggressive, impatient, slow man who called frequently for violence/destruction. He falls into the “Loveable Brute” trope, an observation that is supported by statements from supervising director Brad Rau and voice actor Dee Bradely Baker that Wrecker is like a little boy and has a heart of gold.

Crosshair is the sniper on the team, and he’s the most derisive of the “regs”--the regular clone troopers. Taken in conjunction with his appearance (inspired by Clint Eastwood), the various messages being sent by the writing and appearance of the other team members, and his comment about the regular troopers--the he and the Batch are superior and thus should join the Empire--his character pushes forth a message that there is superiority inherent in whitened or fully white features.

Tech, the technology specialist, has incredibly light skin and hair compared to the regular clones. His mutation made him a genius, with an IQ that outpaces that of any other clone in the Republic. Fans of color are upset that Tech’s genius mutation apparently also affected his skin color, as now this creates a direct link between intelligence and appearance/race. Contrast Tech with Wrecker, who is the exact opposite in every way, and this harm becomes only more apparent. In addition to this, many Autistic fans of The Bad Batch have noted that Tech, being “on the spectrum” (according to Dee Bradley Baker) is a popular stereotype of Autistic people: a nerdy-looking white man with a formal way of speaking who’s a genius but dismissive of others’ feelings. Baker also plays Tech with a British accent, further cementing the harmful message that intelligence is in some way connected to ethnicity.

Omega is the newest member of The Bad Batch. Despite being a pure Jango clone, she’s come out looking nothing like Boba Fett--she has lighter skin than he does, as well as blonde hair. Fans are concerned about the connection between genetic purity and light skin/blonde hair, as this is directly harmful to the people of color who don’t sport those features.

Echo is the ARC Trooper of the team, but many fans--disabled fans especially--fear that his series of disabilities have reduced him to the “droid sidekick”. Echo does not have a prosthetic, instead sporting a scomp-arm attachment that allows him to plug into computers but would otherwise hinder him greatly in daily tasks. He rarely is the focus of an episode, and the series has not given him as much attention as it has given characters like Hunter and Omega. Disabled fans worry about the lack of attention given to his medical trauma, and fans of color note that his skin color goes beyond what a brown man who’s been without sunlight for a few months would look like.

The issues do not stop here. Asian fans noticed and were harmed by a Tiananmen Square parallel in 1x10, “Common Ground”--a recreation that was led by an Eastern Asian-coded woman. Jewish fans are hurt by the antisemitic stereotype in Cid the broker, a greedy lizard woman who speaks with an accent commonly associated with New York Jews--and who is played by Jewish actress Rhea Perlman. Black fans were harmed by the whitewashing in Saw Gererra and the one other Black character in The Bad Batch being a Black woman who works for the Empire and burns civilians alive.

The full analyses can be found in the official #UnwhitewashTBB carrd: unwhitewashthebadbatch.carrd.co. We respectfully ask that you read this carrd and give a public statement in response to these criticisms.

Our movement has only gained traction since its inception on March 30th, 2021. A few months later, we wrote and released an open letter on Change.org to be signed by supporters of #UnwhitewashTBB, and every day it gains new signatures and draws nearer to the next milestone. A survey we released over a month ago has received over 1,100 responses and also continues to climb. The latter displays a range of opinions regarding The Bad Batch, but one sentiment stands out: Hunter, Crosshair, Tech, Wrecker, Omega, and Echo are written in stereotypical and actively harmful ways. Respondents were shocked at outdated portrayals of Autism, sickened by antisemitic stereotypes, and confused at how, in this current social and political climate, a family-friendly corporation like Disney could greenlight a series that sends a message that is the complete opposite of “Star Wars is for Everyone”. Some sample responses are below:

“I would just like to elaborate on the ableism aspect. As a amputee myself, I don’t like how Echo’s trauma has been ignored. The whole reason he is with the BB is because of what he went through. Losing one limb, never mind multiple, it’s extremely difficult. They made it seem like just because his prosthetic can be of use on missions, that means he isn’t grieving the loss of his actual hand. There is no healing or evolution. It also feels wrong to only address the fact that echo uses prosthetics for the sake of hacking into machinery. Prosthetics are so personal and become a real part of who you are as a person.” - Respondent 130

“...I can't believe Star Wars is still doing this, and that an entire team of animators with a huge budget can't get skin tone right. I didn't even know the clones were supposed to have a NZ Māori accent until a friend told me. That's a big deal, since I live in NZ and hear it every day…” - Respondent 209

“As someone who is neurodivergent myself, Tech and Wrecker just. sting, you know? in a “is that really what you think of us” kind of way. I grew up in an environment where intersectional equality was heavily discussed, and I can still miss things. Having Jewish friends does not mean that Cid’s antisemitic implications can’t go right over my head until someone points them out (thank you).” - Respondent 87

“As a fan of color, its irritating and painful to watch and be brushed off as "lighting issues" and see justifications made by white fans and producers...It also feels very bad to me that TCW spent 7 seasons with several arcs emphasizing that the clones were all as individual as a 'normal' person, but then undo all that with TBB, which centers a group of "special" clones (who are suspiciously white) and have them treat the "regs" as a homogeneous group who are lesser than them, and then expect us to find it within ourselves to put that aside to enjoy the MCs. The way the treat "regs" is very offputting and it made me dislike them since their introduction...Star Wars is no stranger to racist and antisemitic media, but I must say, the blantancy of Sid, a greedy lizard who essentially financially enslaves the protaganists, being Jewish-coded and being protrayed by a Jewish voice actress is really next-level even for Star Wars. As a Jewish fan, it really grates on me.” - Respondent 40

“I’m disabled and autistic, and the ableism is appalling to watch. Watching Echo be treated as subhuman for needing machinery to survive makes me feel like having implants to keep my spine from breaking itself would have me be the pitied member of any group. I am disgusted by the blatant antisemitism, as a fair number of my friends are Jewish and it hurts me to think that people can so easily hate others based on internalized stereotypes. Me and my friends have also critically analyzed the fact that, despite being clones of a character portrayed by Temuera Morrison, for some reason the bad batch look nothing like him in any way. No resemblance in any way: just a bunch of someone’s badly worked characters fraught with disgusting writing decisions and design choices that make no sense. It makes me angry to think that the writers for this show, and to an extent any modern writer, would believe that using harmful tropes to make a story is acceptable and someone brings in profit. I tried to watch it out of fact that my family likes Star Wars and we all grew up watching it, but all of these unhealthy assumptions and terrible choices in terms of writing and design leave a bitter and nauseating feeling.” - Respondent 605

In the survey, various questions were asked about fans’ feelings about The Bad Batch. Before reading the carrd, 34.7% of fans answered that writing was their least favorite aspect of the series, with the next being the main characters. Elaborations in the following free write made clear that the whitewashing and stereotypical writing were huge factors of these opinions. One a 1 to 5 satisfaction scale, 68.1% of respondents rated their satisfaction at a 3 or lower--again, due to the whitewashing and other issues respondents perceived in The Bad Batch. When asked to analyze pre-post carrd-reading feelings regarding the above issues, every category saw a marked increase in awareness of the issue at hand. The perceived prominence of the whitewashing went from 81.3% to 91.4% in respondents. The awareness of ableism jumped almost 30%, from 52.6% to 84.4%. The majority of respondents (59%) were not aware of the antisemitism in the series, but after reading the carrd, that statistic flipped to 80.5%, a near 60% increase from the original 26.7%. Regarding the other racist issues, the respondents went from 63.1% to 83.7%.

Fans of color, neurodivergent fans, disabled fans, and Jewish fans have been waiting for the day where we can see ourselves on screen a level of attention and care that makes us feel even more at home in the Star Wars community . If Disney’s message is truly family-friendly, if Star Wars is for everyone, then Disney needs to support these views with not just words, but with actions. Resolve the racism in Star Wars: The Bad Batch, take out the antisemitism, and treat your nonwhite, disabled, and neurodivergent characters--and fans--with the respect and dignity they deserve.

This will not be a benefit solely to the fans who are asking to be represented properly. In today’s time, popular media is facing a reckoning; media that is inclusive of and respectful towards minoritized groups ends up with leagues more popularity, high ratings, and good reviews than those that don’t. A recent and prominent example is Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings, a movie for which the inclusion of Asian-Americans at nearly all levels of production boosted its image and aided in its successful box office release. Black Panther is another prominent example--a movie spearheaded by Black people that completed its box office run at more than five times its initial budget in total revenue. The proper representation of people of color is a two-fold benefit.

Star Wars: The Bad Batch already has beautiful animation that reminds many longtime Star Wars: The Clone Wars fans of their childhood.

It is our hope that you will take our concerns as well as the concerns of others into account, and address the issues that we have outlined in order to better reflect the Walt Disney Company’s commitment to inclusive, diverse entertainment for audiences of all ages. Thank you for your attention to this issue.

Respectfully,

Fans of The Bad Batch

#mod CH #email #disney #star wars #the clone wars #the bad batch #unwhitewashtbb #swtbb #racism #antisemitism

[noa-nightingale]

Watcher and Autism

It is April! It is Autism Acceptance Month!

It is Autism Acceptance Month (formerly Autism Awareness Month but we are shifting away from that), and I finally found the time to write about something I wanted to write about for a long time: My experiences with Watcher, as an autistic person.

I already write a lot about being in Watcher’s audience as someone who is queer and I will keep writing about it, but this needs some attention too.

I had plans to write something about Watcher and Autism for Steven Lim Appreciation Week but I decided that it would make more sense to include Ryan and Shane in this too instead of just Steven.

Here is some background: I got my autism diagnosis as an adult (early 20s), and it was a huge relief for me. I finally had an explanation for why I was so “wrong” all the time, and that maybe I was not inherently wrong or broken. I can’t go into detail about my autism here, that would be a post of its own (or many posts) but, unsurprisingly, my autism informs the way I interact with the world; and it informs how I interact with Watcher too.

I believe it is even a big part of why I love this content so much - and Watcher is 100% a Special Interest of mine.

First of all, what are the defining traits of autism? Officially, it is defined as a neurodevelopmental disorder (I have Opinions about that but that, too, is another post), and its “symptoms” are difficulties with social interaction and communication, and repetitive behavior. There are many more traits associated with autism though, and I am just a little bit disgruntled that it is so often only defined by the things that are “wrong” with a person. Personally, I like being autistic and I (mostly) like my autistic traits.

Now, let me talk about the Watcher fandom for a second: It is a huge advantage for me to be able to communicate with y’all online. It is more accessible, not only because I would have problems to find so many Watcher fans near me (I mean, we are from all over the world, how effing great is that!) but also because my difficulties with social interaction and communication don’t feel as heavy when I can communicate in written form. I don’t know how weird I actually seem here but if you’d meet me in person, it would become pretty obvious pretty fast that there is something strange about me. (I also sometimes just go semi- or non-verbal, and that does not happen in written communication.)

I never had a stable friend group offline, I never really felt like part of a group offline, and I have difficulties making friends. So, let me just admit it now: I don’t have offline friends. Like, I do have friends that are not in the Watcher fandom but those are not offline friendships either. I don’t see my online communication as a consolation gift or some weak copy of the “real deal”. On the contrary.

Now! Watcher! First thing that comes to mind - Watcher’s special kind of compassionate weirdness just works for me. It seems very non-judgmental, and as someone who gets judged from all sides (sometimes outright, sometimes more subtle - we live in a society etc etc lmao), that’s just very refreshing and soothing. It makes me feel like I can be weird too. (I mean, there is something to be said about allistic people being praised for being weird while autistic people get shamed for it, but allistics being weird is not the problem with that - everyone has the right to be weird. Btw allistic = non-autistic.)

I also have to talk about Steven Lim here. Because I effing LOVE his awkwardness. I am the King of Awkward, and to see someone who is so awkwad and so loved is just so so SO good. And personally, I love him because he is awkward, not despite of it. He is also so... earnest. So passionate and sincere. I have those traits too, and I often feel like I am Too Much and Too Intense, or like people think I don’t have a sense of humor. (Don’t know how it is online but I don’t think people think I have a significant sense of humor when they meet me offline. I feel a lot more like myself when I can talk online. All the clumsy social stumbling falls away to a degree.)

I remember some moments from Here’s What You Do (and maybe also Watcher Weekly) where Steven did not know a certain phrase or expression, and Shane and Ryan explained it to him - without judgment, without shaming him, even if some people probably would think that you “should” know it. Again, this is very relatable to me, and I wish people would not act like there is something strange about it when I don’t know things that “should be obvious”.

We, of course, also have to talk about Mr Bergara’s ability to just say what he thinks. I am not the first person to say that he sometimes does not seem to have a filter, and holy damn, it is beautiful to watch. It is comforting to me, especially because I overthink EVERY interaction I have with other people.

Also! Fashion! Shane said (several times, I believe) that his goal is to look as weird as possible in his 30s, and it gave me the confidence to get some new clothes too. Just a year ago, I NEVER would have dared to wear them. My approach to life always was, don’t stand out, don’t attract attention, you will get punished in some form. I tried to make myself small and unthreatening, occupying as little space as I could. Watcher and their lovely, lovely wackiness gave me the confidence to stand out, and folks, I love it. (Today’s outfit was this: Pride Converse, jeans, Ryan Bergara self portrait shirt, pink demin jacket with a bunch of pins and buttons, Shane Madej Headband. It felt really good, and I have some other outrageous clothes now.)

(I also WISH I could have a mustache but that’s a whole other story lmao.)

I also have to mention Watcher’s integrity. A while ago, I read a study about autistic people and that one reason we sometimes seem like we stick to the rules so much is that we just have a strong sense of what’s right. Sorry for the awkward wording, and I don’t mean to say that allistics can’t have integrity (obviously) - but my own integrity feels very attached to my autism, I can’t untangle that. It is the most important thing in my life - is this kind? Is this right? Am I doing right by people? And I feel like that is reflected in Watcher’s values.

I could say a lot more but I will leave it at that for now. I am just beyond grateful that Watcher exists and that I get to have this Special Interest. This is so important to me, and it is really really fulfilling. I don’t know if I really could convey properly how an autistic brain works buuut I hope you got at least a little tiny glimpse. (Also, obligatory “I am just one person, I don’t speak for other autistic people” disclaimer.)

My queerness, my autism and all my other traits are all interconnected, and Watcher just seems to be a near perfect fit.

Happy (rest of) Autism Acceptance Month, friends! And thanks for giving my awkward, weird, Too Much self a cozy little home here.

#watcher #autisticwatcher #autism acceptance month #actually autistic #i FINALLY finished writing it!!! #proud of myself ngl

[longitudinalwaveme]

When Giftedness Isn’t Relative: The Autism Spectrum, Hyperlexia, and Me

When it comes to Gifted programs in schools, I have seen a lot of criticism, much of it warranted, from both people who were placed into the Gifted program at their school and for those who were not. 

One of the biggest problems with Gifted programs is that they are somewhat relative: a child who is considered gifted at a small school might not make the cut at a school with a more rigorous academic schedule or a larger population, and the vagaries associated with the system have caused many gifted students to become perfections as they strive to maintain high grades as coursework becomes more complex. In other words, gifted programs often create unrealistically high expectations for children who are good at school. 

What makes talking about Gifted programs complicated in my case is that, while I definitely struggled with perfectionism in middle school (hello, social anxiety disorder)....I think I may have been a case where the “Giftedness” was not entirely relative. You see, my school considered me to be Gifted in reading specifically, and, while this by itself doesn’t prove anything, there were some extenuating circumstances in my particular case that made things unusual. 

You see, I am on the autism spectrum, and one of its signs is something called “hyperlexia”. The difference between this and gifted reading is...basically that the person is on the autism spectrum, which is annoying. Apparently, if you read well, but also have signs of autism, you can’t actually BE a gifted reader; it becomes an obsession. But I digress. The point is, I read early, and I read well above my age level. 

My mother said that I recognized letters when I was about 18 months old, and she taught me to read at age 4, before I entered preschool. She did not, however, tell my teacher that she had taught me. As a result, my teacher, who had noticed that I seemed to be reading a book, decided to test me to see if I was really reading or if I had just memorized the story (as some young children do). She had me read through the book, then flipped to the back of the book and pointed out a word that was fairly advanced and not a part of the story itself. I read that, too. This surprised her, and she called my mom, who explained the situation. By the time I was six or seven, I was reading chapter books. I was always at the highest reading level the school library had for my grade, and I was perpetually annoyed because there were certain books that I was prevented from reading due to my grade level. The highest levels for my grade were usually too easy.  I also did really, really well on timed reading tests. (I pretty much always made it through the entire passage and was usually about halfway through it again when the timer went off.) 

Naturally, being good at reading meant I was also good at school in general (a lot of elementary school revolves around reading and writing, after all). While my handwriting took awhile to shape up (being on the autism spectrum, my fine motor skills were slow to develop), and my math skills were basically just average (I got good grades because I consistently did the work), I did very well indeed in all my other classes...to the point where I was often bored. As a result, when I was tapped for the Gifted program in 2nd grade, I was thrilled. Finally, I had a class that I didn’t read through most of after finishing the actual work twenty minutes early! I was in the gifted program for the next three years, at which point I switched schools to a parochial school with a more rigorous courselaod and no actual gifted programs (though I was still easily the fastest reader in the class and made some of the best grades).

Being a kid who loved to read, was quiet, and loved the strict schedule of school (again, autism spectrum), I’m afraid I may have been something of a teacher’s pet as a kid. Not in the sense of trying to get other kids into trouble or in the sense of deliberately sucking up to the teacher, but in the sense of being the kid that all the teachers really liked because I always participated and obviously really liked school. What I was not was popular. In fact, until I switched to the parochial school, I made only one real friend...and she was promptly snatched away by another girl who didn’t want to share her friend with anyone. While I was lucky enough to only be bullied a few times (there wasn’t any persistent harassment), I was also a bit of weird loner who talked too much about books, was often lost in her own world, couldn’t read social cues, and kind of hogged the swings, so I was generally ignored, except in the classroom, where I was acknowledged as “that really smart kid”. (I suspect that the lack of bullying was probably correlated, at least in part, to the fact that my teachers all liked me and it was probably recognized by the other kids. Bullying a weird kid is a lot riskier when they regularly and comfortably talk with the teachers.) 

The parochial school where I attended middle school was a Godsend, in more ways than one. I finally had classes that were challenging enough to be enjoyable, I actually made friends at school, there wasn’t an arbitrary book cut-off level anymore, and, most importantly, my building anxiety issues were finally addressed. As noted above, my math skills are basically average. I’m not actually BAD at math, but, since my reading skills were so high, I thought I was...and this provoked intense anxiety...to the point where I started having anxiety attacks in class. My mathematics teacher, who was amazing, immediately informed my mother about the problem, and, within a year, I started seeing my equally amazing counselor, Elisabeth. (I was incredibly blessed to have such supportive parents, teachers, and counselors. I know a lot of people on the spectrum aren’t as lucky.) 

When I was 12, I was formally tested for the first time and diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder and OCD. Furthermore, we also learned that, while my spatial intelligence was absolutely terrible, my reading intelligence was in the 99.9th percentile, and I was reading at a collegiate level. While I am not a genius in terms of overall intelligence, in terms of verbal intelligence only, I am. (This would be why I was able to read War and Peace in a week at the age of 13 and understand what was happening.) Strangely, he did not think that I was on the autism spectrum, but he did think that I might have Nonverbal Learning Disorder (due to the massive gap between my verbal intelligence and my intelligence in other areas), and it seems like there is a general consensus that NLVD is related to autism anyway. 

When I entered high school (at the same public school where my dad teaches), I was already an avid consumer of Shakespeare, classical literature...and frankly any other book I could get my hands on. I started taking Honors and AP courses as soon as they were available to me (for some reason, there weren’t any Honors courses available during freshman year). I scored a “5″ on the AP Government Test, the AP Language Test, and the AP Literature test, and was third in my class. (The main reason I wasn’t higher was because of the inconsistent weighing of honors and AP courses.) I enjoyed high school, and I am enjoying college even more. 

When I was 17, I was re-tested to see if I had Nonverbal Learning Disorder (as suggested by the previous test ) and/or autism (this because I had read enough testimonies from other people on the spectrum to identify myself with the condition). Again, I scored in the 99.9th percentile for verbal intelligence, and I was formally diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder. They also confirmed the first psychologist’s suspicions that I had NVLD. I was happy to get this diagnosis, as it confirmed my suspicions about myself (I am even more relieved to have gotten it now, since I am now aware of the fact that many women on the spectrum aren’t diagnosed until their thirties!) 

#autism spectrum #gifted kid discourse #nonverbal learning disorder

[lulusoblue]

this isn’t me vagueing or anything, or I’m not intending to because people have previously expressed the same of what I’m about to rant on, and I don’t want to @ or refer to any blog specifically for reigniting my bafflement of this take because this isn’t a personal grudge match against anyone, just a general *what* of this concept, but

jesus h christ on a stick, why do people want BioShock Infinite’s Elizabeth to have been a racist?

I get an AU fic of another timeline where Comstock’s motives weren’t messy as fuck and he didn’t just plan to force his messiah with a spinal shock collar from the word go, like “what if” stuff, but like saying she should have been racist in the original game and actually wanting this change because it would “improve” her character?

like, disclaimer because I am a white woman who may not have a say in things like this anyway, but honestly the racism angle was a huge mistake in Infinite in the first place, and should never have been done in this game because the lead writer is a white man and I can bet my bottom dollar he most likely did not consult anyone on race or racism beyond what historically accurate heinous racist acts to not depict in the game so players could “sympathise” with the flying racists getting their dues post-Finkton.

You know how important the racism of Columbia is to him? How relevant is it to the ending of the game? Answer: it isn’t. BioShock 1’s ending has the failings of Rapture relevant to the ending regarding the player’s choices. The ending of Infinite, however, focuses on Elizabeth, Booker and the multiverse, where nobody mentions the Vox or how Columbia was a failure or anything. Nothing with the Vox Populi or Columbia’s hubris is linked to the game’s ending. Both are left feeling superfluous. It was just something to stick into the background rather than be a story element that properly tied in with the story’s real focus. If you wanted Levine to write a better racism story I would have to ask you why??? Do you trust him to?????

What reason was there that we switched from extreme nationalism and its consequences in the demos as late as 2012 to “racism bad but the victims of it are also bad if they fight back” in 2013? Who fucking knows. Probably shock value, because I don’t see how time and resources would cause such a change from what Irrational put out there in interviews leading up to release. Given how Levine tried to retcon Daisy’s story in Burial at Sea (and keep in mind Black Lives Matter didn’t start as a movement until a few months after Infinite’s release and before BaS Episode 2 was released) he certainly didn’t commit to “Daisy and Comstock are the same”. If he had conviction for his “both sides” story, he wouldn’t have tried to rewrite it to Daisy choosing to play monster as a necessary sacrifice for her cause (which itself is its own can of worms with how it now plays out).

Considering as well how we had that article revealing how long it took to get a playable build out of Irrational thanks to Levine’s lack of solid direction, as well as the recent revelation that he had never read Ayn Rand when making a game about a city BUILT ON HER IDEOLOGY, I’m pretty sure the poor writing around Columbia’s racism and the Vox Populi in the final game was just made up as he went along to push out a finished product, because it had been five years at that point and 2k was piiiiiiissed.

Then we have how Elizabeth is your companion character, your escort mission. Friends, do you know how escort mission characters were viewed back pre-2013? Bad. The AI could just look at a player funny and they’d draw a 5 page comic on how awful a character they were and post it to deviantart. One of the worst levels in BioShock was when we had to escort a very killable Little Sister with a fishbowl filter on our FOV, and one of the major complaints people had with BioShock 2 was how they had an OPTIONAL escort mission to get more mutation juice. We didn’t start getting games with escort characters like Elizabeth or Clementine or Ellie, characters people actually cared about and WANTED to protect, until around 2012-2013.

You think the people creating Elizabeth, the escort mission character built to be a likeable, enjoyable to be with and empathise with her character, who can never get hurt or kidnapped in combat and actively helps the player, should have had her been a racist??? In a post-Mass Effect world??????

Ashley Williams is a woman from a military family. She is a proud member of the Alliance military who has concerns on working with aliens after having had no prior experience working with aliens. However, you can ease those concerns and help her warm up to building alliances in the first Mass Effect game. Ashley grows to trust alien squadmates, and even without your character’s influence will regard two anti-alien groups with disgust for their outright racism and human centrism.

And here’s the kicker, even with that nuance to her character, in a game of plenty of other more overtly racist and prejudiced characters? ASHLEY IS STILL THE BUTT OF THE SPACE RACISM JOKES. She had flaws, she developed, she proves her loyalties to the point of refusing to work with you when you’re forced to join one of the human centric groups, AND SHE’S STILL MOCKED FOR SPACE RACISM. EVEN IN PROMOTIONAL MATERIAL SHE’S RETROACTIVELY REGARDED AS BEING DIFFICULT TO WORK WITH. THAT IS HOW MUCH THE FANDOM AROUND MASS EFFECT HAS AFFECTED HOW ASHLEY IS SEEN.

And you want Infinite to have Elizabeth be very obviously racist with real life racism? (which is the vibe i’ve been getting) Like, you think all the people behind Elizabeth’s design, her game functionality, her interactions and personality, would give players ammunition to hate a character you’re supposed to enjoy having around on purpose? You think they’re going to give the actual racists and bigots and nazis of the internet a mascot????? Because we already had the facebook header image debacle for a Columbian propaganda poster, you KNOW they would.

And personally I don’t think it would make great character development, because the game is not in the format for that kind of exploration of character’s story. BioShock Infinite is not an RPG with you making dialogue choices with squadmates where you feel like you really influenced them to see the error of their ways. Infinite is a linear shooter. There is no real sense of the passage of time in a linear shooter, the player will experience it like it really doesn’t happen in the span of 20 hours.

Unlearning racism and religious brainwashing is not a quick fixit, and a quick fixit is how it would feel in the 20-40 hours you take to play through the entire game. If Infinite had had Elizabeth going from “I’m racist” to “*sees a black person suffering* maybe racism is wrong???” to “i am no longer racist, I see the error of my ways, you can like me now” in the span of what feels like less than a day to players in a linear game, people would be super critical of the pretty white girl getting cured of her bigotry way too quickly and how the game makes it like we’re supposed to applaud her for being so brave and mature and open-minded, and how much Levine really doesn’t understand nuance or anything about how internalised racism works.

BioShock Infinite’s final release proved that the Vox Populi should not have been handled the way they were. Yes, more media should be discussing and making audiences aware of what is racist, and how irrational it really is when you get down to it, but BioShock Infinite should not have been that media. It was originally written for two opposing sides in a city built on extreme nationalism, much like how BioShock was for objectivism, and then changed relatively last minute. It was written by a white man who’d already written the franchise’s only gay named character as a horrific monster of a man (Cohen) and has expressed how autism is what made a person evil (Tenenbaum). It was written with Elizabeth in mind, a main character who was literally designed to be an escort mission players would actually enjoy, most likely from Day 1 given how much behind the scenes stuff we know of her.

I wouldn’t trust someone like Levine to write a story of a character unlearning racism over the course of a game’s story, i don’t think he should ever have touched a story where racism is a such a prominent element with a 100 foot pole.

#in which i rant #bioshock #bioshock infinite #elizabeth comstock

[shad0ww0rlder]

Hi everyone! So a few weeks ago, @julemmaes messaged me and asked me if I would be interested in a project for World Autism Awareness Day, which is today, April 2. Since Ty Blackthorn from The Shadowhunter Chronicles is supposedly an autistic character, the idea was to write something or draw something or make an edit about him. So here's my contribution!

Even though it is from Kit's perspective, I hope I'm able to convey the purpose of this project. Enjoy! :)

The Postcard

Kit Herondale was having his usual saw that movie/read that book fight with Tessa as both of them prepared the breakfast. Tessa appeared to be mixing some gross-looking, bland paste for Mina, which Kit knew Mina would throw away or spit out the moment it neared her mouth. And then Jem would make a loving comment about how his lovely little daughter was actually a wee little devil and Tessa and Jem would share a sappy smile, but after a while Tessa would get annoyed and hand the responsibility of feeding Mina to Kit. They had recently discovered that Choo- Choo train or airplane noises were much more believable when they came from Kit’s mouth, because both Tessa and Jem were 150 years old, and Jem had never even been on an airplane before. Kit usually offered one of his fingers to Mina, and she would clutch it tightly in her tiny hand and look at him with excitement bubbling in her large, sparkly eyes as he made train and plane noised and zoomed the spoon near her mouth. She would let out a peal of laughter and Kit would snatch that moment to stuff the food in her mouth. Tessa claimed that she was immensely grateful for his help, and it made Kit feel that he was useful, so even though he complained about his task everyday, he secretly loved it. 

          The door opened and Jem entered with Mina in his arms from their morning stroll. “Good morning, my love,” he said to Tessa with that quiet, beautiful smile and bent down to kiss her cheek. Mina leapt forward from his arms to catch Kit’s finger. Kit grinned down at her. “Hey there, Min-Min. How was your trip?” Mina made babbling noises and Jam ruffled Kit’s hair. 

“Min-Min has a present for her favorite brother, doesn’t she?” Jem said with a grin and Kit looked at him in surprise. “Oh, did that bakery woman’s sister give me her number? I mean, it’s cool that she called me a beast, but I don’t really want her number.” 

Perhaps if he took the number, he could make a new friend. But Kit didn’t want to. The thing that had happened with his previous friends still made his chest hurt at the mere thought of it. A vivid image of Ty’s beautiful curls bathed in the silvery light of the ritual and his intense grey eyes flashed in Kit’s mind and he brought himself back to the present with great effort. 

“- something even better,” Jem was saying, “here,” he said and in his other hand which wasn’t holding Mina, he held a small rectangular piece of paper. Kit blinked. “A… letter?” He said dubiously, not quite believing what he was seeing. “It’s a postcard,” said Jem and he gave it to Kit, who automatically took it without being aware of his action. “It’s for you.” From the corner of his eyes, Kit saw Tessa and Jem share a curious glance and he turned away, shielding the postcard from their sight. 

              The postcard had a beautiful photograph of a mysterious landscape printed on it. Kit stared at it intently. It wasn’t a place that he’d ever seen. The picture was taken some time after sunset, and the sky was inky blue. The silhouettes of the mountains were dark and ragged and beneath them lay a bottomless, dim lake with water as still as a rock. Who had sent it? Kit thought, rolling the question in his mind, over and over. Magnus, perhaps? But why would it be addressed to him, then? Magnus was a friend of Jem and Tessa, and though Kit liked Magnus, he was sure that Magnus was definitely not interested in being his pen pal. Jace perhaps, he thought, but Jace had made no efforts to reach out to Kit again. Kit wasn’t upset about it at all. Kit was happy. With Jem and Tessa and Mina. Kit’s fingers slowly turned the card over and his heart came to a screeching halt as he saw the neat, elegant handwriting. 

              It was as though his brain had forgotten how to breathe, his heart had forgotten how to beat and his fingers shook and his throat felt dry. Kit touched his face numbly as he felt something on his cheek and realised with a start that they were tears. He wiped them quickly, as discreetly as possible and then began reading the letter, his eyes devouring every word in front of him as fast as they could. 

Dear Christopher, 

Ty had written. Ty, Ty, Ty. Simply looking at his name scrawled in Ty’s handwriting was enough to make Kit’s guts clench. He recalled how Ty wrote, how he took notes and scribbled down observations in that little notebook, how the pen moved smoothly and the ink flowed easily from his pale, nimble fingers, how his hair fell in his eyes as they were intensely focused on their task; the sheer serenity of Ty’s presence. Kit took a shuddering breath and read on. 

I was about to write Watson instead of Christopher, as I used to call you when we were together a while back. However, my twin Livia insists that since this is the first interaction we are having in a long time, I should address you by your Christian name. And now she is admonishing me for sounding too formal. 

There is not much space on this postcard, and therefore my handwriting is infinitesimally small. I must apologize for it. Magnus delivered the necklace you sent for Livvy and I. Livvy says it is very pretty. I would like to thank you for it. I have been noting down various observations about Livvy’s ghost form. This necklace will allow me to study the effect of its magical qualities upon Livvy. 

I am afraid that I must take your leave now, as according to my schedule, I have to feed Irene. 

I thank you sincerely for the necklace. 

Much obliged, 

Tiberius Blackthorn. 

Kit ran his eyes wildly over the postcard again. It had already reached its end. Kit didn’t want it to. Absentmindedly, he ran his fingers softly over Ty’s beautiful, precise handwriting, and couldn’t help but smile. No one used this kind of language now, not even Jem and Tessa. But Ty did. Ty had gotten Kit’s necklace. It would help Ty. It would protect him and Livvy now, which was something Kit had failed to do. 

Kit read the letter again and again and again. It was so short. 

Ty seemed happy. He had made a schedule for himself, it appeared, at Scholomance, and knowing Ty, he would follow it religiously every day. Kit remembered how uneasy Ty got when something was out of line or when something unusual happened. Ty’s hands would flutter at his sides like butterflies or he would play with the lighter Julian had got him. If it got too much, he would put on his headphones and block out the world that was too bright, too harsh, too noisy for him. 

        The night at the London Institute flashed in Kit’s mind like a lightning bolt, how it felt to hug Ty, how soft Ty’s hair was, how devastatingly clear and true those vivid grey eyes were. And then Kit remembered another night by the lake in Idris, and his own hand on Ty’s shoulder and his own words echoing in the empty space, “I love you, Ty. I love you.” Kit also recalled seeing Ty on the beach with Dru, Livvy floating beside them silently. He had seemed so much at peace, Kit had not been able to bring himself to say goodbye to him. And now Ty had written to him. After months and months of silence, Ty had written to him. 

        Kit squeezed his eyes shut for a moment. “Kit?” he heard a gentle voice say and opened his eyes to meet Tessa’s concerned ones. Kit blinked multiple times. 

“I’m going out,” was all that he managed to say with a tight throat before rushing out of the house and running wildy along the familiar path towards the hill. 

The air was chilly, and the wind bit at his face, making his eyes and nose water but Kit didn’t stop running for a long time.   

#TyBProject #TBP #ty blackthorn #kit herondale #the dark artifices #the wicked powers #the shadowhunter chronicles #cassandra clare

[harperhug]

In case the article gets paywalled:

What Good Is 'Raising Awareness?'

Just being educated about diseases isn't enough to make people healthier.

In 2010, a strange meme spread across Facebook. People’s feeds were suddenly filled with one-word statuses saying the name of a color, nothing more. And most of these posts were from women.

The women had received messages from their Facebook friends that were some variation on this, according to The Washington Post: "Some fun is going on ... just write the color of your bra in your status. Just the color, nothing else. It will be neat to see if this will spread the wings of breast cancer awareness. It will be fun to see how long it takes before people wonder why all the girls have a color in their status. Haha."

Oh, okay. It was for breast cancer awareness. Except, no, wait—how? The Susan G. Komen Foundation had nothing to do with it, though it did get them some Facebook fans, according to the Post story. It wasn’t clear at all who started it. There was no fundraising component to the campaign. And the posts weren’t informative at all. In fact, their whole point was to be mysterious. Maybe people asked their friends what they meant by just posting “beige” or “green lace” and then they had a meaningful conversation about breast-cancer screenings and risk factors, but I’d guess that happened rarely, if at all.

This incident is just one example of the nebulous phenomenon of “raising awareness” for diseases. Days, weeks, months are dedicated to the awareness of different health conditions, often without a clear definition of what “awareness” means, or what, exactly, is supposed to come of it.

Recommended Reading

According to a commentary published this month in the American Journal of Public Health, the United States has almost 200 official “health awareness days.” (The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services lists all national health observances on its website.) And that’s not counting all the unofficial ones, sponsored by organizations.

The paper was an attempt to begin to investigate whether awareness days actually improve people’s health. Jonathan Purtle, an assistant professor at Drexel University’s School of Public Health, teamed up with Leah Roman, a public-health consultant, to see whether awareness could even be quantified.

“We both kind of anecdotally observed that there seem to be more [awareness days] than ever,” Purtle says. “In public health, and in medicine, we’re putting more and more emphasis on evidence-based practices. Everything should be informed by science in some way. We asked ourselves, has anybody ever evaluated these things, do we know if they’re effective at all?”

The answer: Not many people have, and we really don’t.

Awareness days do seem to be on the rise, by at least a couple measures—the researchers found that more than 145 bills including the words “awareness day” have been introduced in U.S. Congress since 2005, a huge leap compared with previous years. Articles that reference "awareness day"  in the PubMed database have followed a similar, but less extreme, upward trajectory.

Trends in Attention to Awareness Days in U.S. Congress and Health Science Literature

But most of the articles Purtle and Roman found in their search (which was just preliminary, not a systematic metareview) were editorials or commentaries announcing or discussing awareness days. Only five studies empirically evaluated the effects of an awareness day, “but the designs weren’t that rigorous,” Purtle says. The best one, according to Purtle, found that on “No Smoking Day” in the U.K., five times more people called a quit smoking hotline than the daily average. “But that was about it,” Purtle says.

So evidence really is lacking on what good these awareness days do.

Liz Feld, president of the nonprofit advocacy organization Autism Speaks, says she has seen results from World Autism Awareness Day, which was April 2, and Autism Awareness Month, which goes on for all of April. The organization has raised more than $10 million so far in April, more than 50,000 people registered on Autism Speaks’ website, and more than 18,000 buildings around the world illuminated with blue lights on April 2 as part of the “Light it Up Blue” campaign. A spokesperson also told me that “Light it Up Blue” was a trending topic on Facebook and Twitter on April 2.

The money is something concrete that came out of the awareness month, but what about the rest?

“One-third of people who live with autism are nonverbal,” Feld says. “The power of a global blue-light movement is very strong. On that day, that is the collective voice of the autism community. That’s a show of power. The blue lights are really a voice.”

Here, "awareness" seems to mean sending a message, getting attention, and getting people to talk about the issue, at the very least on social media. During the week of the most recent World AIDS Day, December 1, 2014, AIDS.gov got the most engagement and new followers of the entire year, Miguel Gomez, the director of AIDS.gov, told me in an email. Perhaps not coincidentally, the organization’s HIV Testing and Care Service Locator got nearly triple its average traffic on December 1.

Social-media activism gets a lot of criticism, some of it deserved, some of it less so. (There's even a somewhat pejorative term for it: slacktivism.) On one hand, it’s an easy way to reach a lot of people, and it often amplifies the voices of the marginalized. On the other hand, changing your profile picture for an awareness day (something Autism Speaks asked people to do for Light It Up Blue) might just be the smallest possible unit of support for a cause. If not backed up by money or deed, it’s little more than lip service. But lip service is not nothing—if enough people do it, it could help shift cultural norms, as Melanie Tannenbaum wrote in Scientific American, about people supporting marriage equality by making equals signs their profile pictures.

“Based on everything that we know about our brains and their bafflingly strong desires to fit in with the crowd, the best way to convince people that they should care about an issue and get involved in its advocacy isn’t to tell people what they should do—it’s to tell them what other people actually do,” Tannenbaum writes. “And you know what will accomplish that? That’s right. Everyone on Facebook making their opinions on the issue immediately, graphically, demonstrably obvious.”

With a controversial issue like marriage equality, enough equals signs on Facebook pages could send the message that this is a common cause to support, and just maybe, gather more support, in a snowball-rolling-down-a-hill sort of way. The thing is, though, that with diseases, everybody’s pretty much already on the same side. There aren’t pro-cancer people who need convincing to come around.

“The question I would ask Autism Speaks or someone who's doing some sort of initiative like ‘Make your picture blue,’ is how they think that will trickle down into some sort of positive outcome for people with autism,” Purtle says.

So I asked.

“First of all, anyone who takes the time to change their picture, they feel invested, like they’re part of something,” Feld says. “That’s the culture we live in now. It’s a way for them to participate. It creates a sense of a community, it really goes back to that. People like to be part of something, look at the ALS ice-bucket challenge. They wanted to be part of something that was bigger than themselves. It’s free, it makes you happy, it makes you feel like you're doing something.”

But Feld recognizes that this isn’t enough.

“You’ve got to follow it up with something else,” she says. “What comes with raising awareness is a responsibility to do something about what you’re aware of. I always say to people, ‘April 2nd is great but what happens April 3rd?’”

When so much is vying for people’s attention, especially online, including the couple hundred other awareness days, even if you get people to listen, how do you get them to do more than just post a status?

There is a sociological theory called narcotizing dysfunction, which proposes that the more people learn about an issue from the media, the less likely they are to do something about it. Purtle and Roman posit that this might be an unintended effect of awareness days, that people might “conflate being knowledgeable about a health issue with taking action to address it.” It’s not enough to just say “this is a problem, and we need to do something about it.” There are a lot of problems in the world that need doing something about.

So in addition to awareness-raising, to try to get people to do something, Autism Speaks fundraises and asks people to sign petitions. “[When we try] to get corporate sponsors, I always tell people here, you can’t just go pitch this as a moral imperative,” Feld says. “There are a lot of moral imperatives. An effective awareness day has got to give people a window into what a real person who's living with autism is going through. My goal is for people to see the face of someone with autism on Autism Awareness Day, so that they carry that with them on April 3rd, April 4th, April 5th.”

Awareness days wouldn’t be so popular if there weren’t an appetite to address health problems. “People want to do something, which is good,” Purtle says. What he worries is that awareness campaigns’ focus on the individual—what you need to know, what you can do—could reinforce existing troublesome ideas about the origins of health, especially with conditions like obesity and heart disease, where lifestyle is a big risk factor.

A lot of people believe, he says, that “it’s really people’s choices that determine their health outcomes and if they’re unhealthy it's either: 1. They made bad choices, or 2. They’re just unlucky and have some genetic thing. These awareness [days] seem to be reinforcing that if you’re aware of the health issue, it’s a good step, and it might be even sufficient to address the health issue. That really flies in the face of the complexity of the various forces that influence a person’s health and a population’s health.”

Those forces include environmental, societal, and economic factors—things that can’t be fixed with knowledge alone. “I think if more people understood that, perhaps we’d see awareness days looking a little bit different,” Purtle says. A better awareness day, he thinks, would spread information about the prevalence of a condition and its risk factors, as well as policy changes that could lessen disparities or help people living with the condition.

“Neither Leah nor I think awareness days are necessarily a bad thing, nor is awareness a bad thing,” Purtle says. “Awareness can be a first step toward changing behavior, but in my opinion, more importantly it would be a first step to positively address the policies that impact a population's health.”

#personal #important information #call to action

[bluewatsons]

Michael John Carley, Autism-Schmautism...In the End, Darius McCollum was Poor and Black, Exceptional Parent Magazine (December 2018)

On October 5th, Darius McCollum, the autism world’s previously-unending sideshow, was sentenced to life inside a New York State psychiatric facility. No, he was not relegated back to Rikers island, or any other “normal” prison, as had been the case for the majority of his adult life. He was this time sent to the kind of place where our most dangerous, disturbed, and marginalized individuals are secretly warehoused to endure horror after horror without witness, until the unmarked, mass grave on Hart Island prematurely, and slowly consumes their trauma-ridden, dissociated selves. Darius’ remarkable story of rotating in and out of the prison system for 38 years came to a halt on the worst side of the turnstile. Autism-Schmautism: He is black and poor. We were fools to think this story would end in a restorative manner.

He almost made it. His brilliance, and the subsequent media coverage had all but ensured that he would not slip through the cracks like other poor, spectrum or non-spectrum African-Americans. Darius had a shot because he was noticed. But the final nail came, comic/tragically, from an African-American judge; one who justified ending Darius’ life because Asperger’s Syndrome, to her, is a “dangerous, mental disorder.” In the words of Darius’ lawyer, Sally Butler, “The sweetest guy in the world, never committed any violent acts, never hurt anyone, is going to be held in a hospital with people who slaughter people.”

Judge Ruth Shillingford hasn’t yet apologized with the standard, Kavanaugh-esque backtrack of, “Ok. Maybe I could have used a better choice of words.” But she will. Too many of us have this same “dangerous, mental disorder.” Darius drew a different kind of bigot.

The success rate on appeals is very low. He’s gone.

***

Darius McCollum, as most spectrumfolk know, couldn’t stop stealing subway trains and taking them on joyrides. His first arrest came when he was 15, and over close to the next four decades, he was caught and sentenced over 30 times.

But by his estimation, he was not caught thousands of times.

Like innumerable spectrum children, young Darius had a “thing” for trains. As a fellow spectrumite myself who works in the field, I’ve long thought it funny how the clinical world overthought our too common fascination with rail travel. The simple truth of why we love trains has not to do with the trains themselves…it’s the track. We don’t have to make any decisions about going left here, or right there, thanks to the track. We don’t have to read between the lines, or interpret a thing, as we would driving a car. The track has already determined our destination and our route. Furthermore, we have full control over the speed of the journey. For folks like us? That’s heaven.

How was this possible, though? How could one man, however Houdini-like, sneak into the driver’s seat so easily, time after time after time? Amidst our modern paranoia of mostly imagined terrorist threats looming around every corner—our FOX News hysteria—how did Darius manage so easily to take over the controls while we were the passengers? Well, Darius was brilliant. He not only knew the ins and outs of the New York Metropolitan Transit Authority (MTA) ten times better than any MTA employee, he knew the employee timetables, and how the MTA’s Human Resource department operated. He knew the trends, and the procedures, and he was also gregarious. Darius McCollum really is the sweetest guy you’ll ever meet. So when he’d arrive on the scene in a stolen uniform, and tell the scheduled driver “I just got a free day, man. Lemme help you out.” The uninformed, overworked and underpaid MTA employee usually said, “thanks, man,” and laid back on a welcomed break.

No passenger, it should be noted, was ever hurt when Darius was driving. Not one passenger was even aware that, driving their subway train or bus was someone other than a trained MTA employee. Lastly, Darius’ routes were always finished on time.

***

More than two decades would transpire thereafter that first arrest before we’d hear his name. For us, it all started with a Harper’s article from 2002—Jeff Tietz’s The Boy Who Loved Transit. In the opening paragraphs, Tietz introduced us not only to a train thief, but also a brilliant forger, who brought letters to crews “signed” by MTA managers, dictating that the crews allow “Mr. McCollum” to inspect their safety protocols. Tietz also showed us a concerned outsider, who always attended MTA workers’ union meetings and rallies. Finally, Tietz pointed out to us that Darius only attempted to steal these trains, buses, and equipment. After all, he returned everything he stole. Darius’ behavior originated not in contempt. He loved the MTA, and all its inner worlds.

But despite a diagnosis of Asperger’s Syndrome, one that should have explained his lack of criminal intent, he got idiot judge after idiot judge—monsters of an unfair, impotent, racist, and arcane criminal justice system in New York. To them, Darius was too intelligent, too polite, and too “white sounding” (as one judge put it) to both have a disability and not have control over his actions.

I first met Darius around that time. He was out on parole but at high risk for going back. People put high hopes that my new organization, GRASP, could help. GRASP was the first real peer-run (i.e. run by people on the spectrum) organization in the autism world, and later grew to become the largest membership organization in the world for adults on the spectrum. That all said, we didn’t have much of a budget, and we weren’t a services organization—we had no contract with the city. The type of help that Darius needed wasn’t complicated, but it was intensive. He needed talk therapy with a shrink that really knew their Asperger’s, peer support, perhaps some Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, some trauma-based therapy, a gym, and a Microsoft Excel class. He came to one GRASP support group meeting, but given his relative stardom, he had a hard time feeling like a part of the group. So he hung out in our office with me on several occasions. I’d work while he’d read. We’d talk. We’d go for walks. We got to know each other.

***

Everyone on the spectrum is different. On one end you might have someone non-verbal, who may never experience a reciprocated sexual relationship, or hold down a steady job for long. But this same individual could in fact be quite happy if surrounded by the right supports and attitudes; as measuring happiness by the capacity for speech is one of the infantile mistakes we used to make in the autism world. Why so stupid? Because on the other end of the spectrum you might have someone very verbal; maybe with an IQ of 180—we have all these famous people diagnosed in retrospect such as Einstein, Beethoven, Edison, Jefferson, Emily Dickinson, every famous mathematician…—whom everyone expects to be the CEO of a Fortune 500 company someday. But because no one explained to them how the social world works, their loneliness intensified until they became a suicide statistic. You can’t dumb this stuff down. We’re complicated.

I hadn’t yet seen anyone whose level of “juice” resembled mine—More functional than most in many capacities, I present well. But I was also inundated with spectrumites who were/are way smarter than I. So while better than most at hiding my cluelessness, until then I had always felt somewhere in the middle of the spectrum, with no real parallel.

Darius McCollum was the first and only time I’ve ever sensed someone whose spectrum gifts and challenges instinctively reflected mine. Four months apart in age, diagnosed at virtually the same age, both only children, our internal makeup seemed identical. Darius didn’t present like me, but I knew that if you took away the experiences of being stabbed repeatedly with large scissors when he was in second grade, the horrific prison rapes and beatings, the lifelong trauma, the brilliance…and that if you then took away my educational opportunities, and blatant white privilege…he was my mirror. People thought I was talented—more talented than I really was—and so I got scholarships that allowed me to divide whatever intelligence I had into many different directions, thus creating a more well-rounded individual…than Darius, who had real intelligence that few wished to recognize, and who in lacking those opportunities directed everything he had to trains. I ended up with an Ivy League Masters degree. Darius didn’t graduate high school.

We may have gotten close—It felt that way; the ease was both inexplicable and beatifically jarring. But I’m not sure. It’s hard to tell when the relationship was never equal; for in addition to both our racial instincts, I was to be the mentor, and he the mentee.

***

By this time, everyone was writing about him. Whether it was the New York Times, the London Times, or every news station…By 2004 Darius had racked up an impressive media portfolio. There would be a play, and a documentary—interpretations of Darius’ life made by people that were not out to exploit him—Good people were always on his side. There was talk of a movie starring Julia Roberts…

However, my main mission with him was contrary. I wanted to try and get him to stop seeing dollar signs from imagined film deals, to stop being addicted to the media attention. In my opinion, this was his real challenge. For in addition to withstanding the temptation to steal more trains came the devaluation of what he would do with his life if he wasn’t stealing trains. It’s difficult enough for ANY ex-inmate to get excited about trying to start a new life…when you’re a convicted felon (very few jobs hire folks with prison records) with no job training, money, or education. Being black just decreases your chances even more. I began running interference to try to de-celebrity his life a little.

And just so you know, of course he would have been a perfect hire for the MTA. But they wouldn’t have him. We tried. We tried the MTA, we tried the MTA’s transit museum (where Darius could be a tour guide), we tried the transit authorities of other cities, we tried Amtrak… But Darius, in his “career,” had shamed these folks. He had shown that their security procedures were a joke, thus pissing off Homeland Security and driving their insurance rates through the roof. Later, the MTA would rebuff our criticisms and escalate the divide even further by demanding re-payment on any possible movie deals. In addition to Darius pinning them down, MTA officials dug themselves a deeper hole by reacting like the petty, insecure bureaucrats they might have always been.

(Speaking of Homeland Security: Darius, in his infinite kindness, had even welcomed a visit from them during one of his jail stints, asking nothing in return. And they, after absorbing much information and consultation that Darius was more than happy to give them, free of charge, about how easy it was to skirt the MTA’s procedures…gave him nothing in return. Again, we are discussing the sweetest, most childlike, least streetwise guy in the world. Today, he is still proud of that meeting as he feels he served his country.)

By then, many media outlets were calling me to reach Darius (who struggled to maintain a consistent phone number), and I was trying to rebuff them. That time would be Darius’ longest stint outside prison. And when he fell off the wagon per se, he did so repeatedly thereafter. Over the ensuing years he would get out and almost instantly get caught taking another car or bus for a joyride. In the absence of access to real supports when he would be out, being a celebrated train thief was the only life he could see. He might not have been wrong.

During those years he also made bad decisions, about people, money, and especially legal representation. Stephen C. Jackson, the celebrity lawyer who gained fame during the Tawana Brawley case, rushed to Darius’ side and filled him with promises of millions. But when Jackson (now deceased) quickly saw that the fame he sought wasn’t forthcoming, he then abandoned Darius without officially dropping his name as Darius’ representative. What this meant was that when Darius, on more than one occasion, would show up from his cell for sentencing or a hearing, that he sat alone in court. The judge would ask where his lawyer was, and Darius could provide no explanation. But because Darius, in the court’s mind, couldn’t represent himself (because of his Asperger’s, the courts deemed him incapable of the decision to switch lawyers), he was then sent back to jail for months, even years once, until a new hearing could be rescheduled. Herein, my power of attorney was worthless.

GRASP didn’t have the means to help, but larger organizations like Autism Speaks and the Autism Society of America (ASA) could have. But neither organization would touch Darius McCollum with a ten-foot pole. The excuse was that they didn’t like the way Darius was using his Asperger’s as…an excuse, and that this made everyone on the spectrum look irresponsible. But to me, this was the excuse—to not have to acknowledge the punishments not fitting the crimes. If people really thought Darius deserved to be raped and beaten for taking subway trains on safe joyrides…I just couldn’t believe that. But I grew to believe that as a poor, black man, Darius for them was a lose-lose proposition. These orgs’ gutlessness did not have justification, but they did have explanation.

My prison visits felt more and more like spankings. I’d arrive, furious with him over the most recent arrest, and I’d lay into him. But at the end of the visit we would have worked it out. I once broke policy, and facilitated an interview with him for Caren Zucker and John Donvan’s book, In a Different Key (I trusted Caren, whom I knew from her days at Nightline when she produced some really fine autism coverage). I laughed in solidarity at the finished book, where they quoted my first words to Darius when I brought them to Rikers…in which I distinctively used an expletive. Donvan had inquired after the visit why I was so harsh with him, and rather than explain that neither Darius nor I came from finishing school, or that this was just the way we showed we cared, I answered in an acknowledgement that maybe it was wrong of me, but that “I visit him.” For at the time, no one else really was.

But then Sally Butler became Darius’ (seriously) pro bono lawyer. And he finally had a real chance…because he finally had a real hero.

***

Forget the nightmare center that Darius will go to (Kirby, or Mid-Island, according to an old colleague), our regular prisons are increasing in violence. Author, Shane Bauer, went undercover for Mother Jones as a $9 per hour Louisiana prison guard (an experience he recounts in his new book, American Prison) and took away a wealth of terrifying information. In a recent interview, Bauer stated that when he was being trained, he was instructed that the proper procedure for when prisoners were stabbing each other, was “to yell, ‘Stop fighting!’ and that’s it. We should not get in between them. We are not going to pay you (the guard) that much…if those fools want to cut each other, than happy cutting.”

And does anyone still think that you can go through long prison experiences without being raped? Are some people still capable of such denial? Unfortunately, yes. We are that naïve, or dumb, or complacent. And it’s mostly the law & order crowd—those who demand punishment, punishment, punishment, even when they acknowledge that punishment (even as a concept) really doesn’t work—that heartily approves of our “nudge nudge, wink wink” relationship with rape. We are complicit in this manner because we want to believe that we live in a society that does not condone rape. But it’s nonsense. We don’t just condone rape, we willingly use it as a coercive tool, and the proof doesn’t lie in drunken college parties. The proof of our societal need to never eliminate rape lies in our prison system.

“According to the Bureau of Justice Statistics, around 80,000 women and men a year are sexually abused in American correctional facilities. That number is almost certainly subject to underreporting, through shame or a victim’s fear of retaliation...To tackle the problem, Congress passed the Prison Rape Elimination Act, signed into law by President George W. Bush in 2003. The way to eliminate sexual assault, lawmakers determined, was to make Department of Justice funding for correctional facilities conditional on states’ adoption of zero-tolerance policies toward sexual abuse of inmates…But only two states — New Hampshire and New Jersey — have fully complied with the act…The Justice Department estimates that the total bill to society for prison rape and sexual abuse is as high as $51.9 billion per year, including the costs of victims’ compensation and increased recidivism. If states refuse to implement the law when the fiscal benefit is so obvious, something larger is at stake…Compliance does not even cost that much. The Justice Department (also) estimates that full nationwide compliance would cost $468.5 million per year.”

— “Why We Let Prison Rape Go On”

Bozelko, Chandra. The New York Times. April 17, 2015

***

This past year, after 38 years of in and out, it was time to roll the dice. Darius’ health had been deteriorating—He has gained tremendous weight and is experiencing rapid hearing loss. His brilliance has become less accessible, having slowly drowned in accumulated trauma.

In January, Sally scored a major victory: she got the Brooklyn District Attorney's Office to finally admit that Darius was not a criminal. But because of how the court still contextualizes non-apparent disabilities, Darius, in order to become relatively free, would have to plead not responsible by mental defect. And there was a big risk herein. As Sally wrote: “If Darius is determined to be dangerous, he will be confined in a truly horrific locked facility for the criminally insane perhaps for life.” But if the judge were to determine that he was not dangerous, he would be “civilly committed for intense treatment with the goal of returning to society with services available to him.”

In talks at the time with the Puerto Rican government on an autism consulting contract, I began looking into a side project of building a treatment center on the island, one that would use Darius as a pilot for low-risk, non-violent offenders with diagnosed non-apparent disabilities. Everyone’s been saying “there’s no proper care available,” even though what Darius needs is not brain surgery, and since no one else was doing it…I dreamt of him taking that Excel class, going to trauma-based therapies, and helping to repair houses in Puerto Rico’s still-reeling infrastructure, one with no transit system—Yes! There would be an ocean between Darius and temptation, if not also a warm, loving populace that would welcome him. The courts would save a ton of taxpayer money and stop enduring the bad public relations. Sally forewarned that getting the powers that be to allow him to receive his treatment outside state lines would be the challenge, but I was confident. It seemed a no-brainer.

I wasn’t alone. We all figured the odds were good. Who in God’s name would sentence this good-natured child to more torture?

But again, Sally and I being white, we forgot that Darius was black.

***

I’m guessing that at best, only 3% of the people that read this article will be African-American. It’s not that I don’t have black readers. As a white writer, I’m confident I have more than most. But for African-Americans, I would imagine that this material, like any material about Darius, reads like the box score of a game African-Americans already saw, participated in from start to finish, and in which their team got its ass kicked. There’s nothing to be learned, and only more heartache to be gained from reading. Maybe as some “militants” might say, everything really is about race. Maybe everything isn’t about Darius’ autism, nor fiscal variations (I especially have professed in the past that everything revolves around economics)…I’m white, so I can’t go there completely, but I could argue that maybe the Judge Kavanaugh hearings weren’t about women if, as a New York Times article reports, 53% of white women were in favor of his confirmation. Maybe the wonderful #MeToo movement will at some point have to address the buried complaints that many men of color, in corporate settings, have about the sexual harassment they’ve endured from many white, female supervisors. Maybe the LGBTQ community will someday acknowledge that a stereotype exists of them all being wealthy liberals—when most are actually poor (and therein, contain many people of color). Maybe the #MeToo heroes can see that while they risked their career track to report harassing bosses, that when this occurs to women of color in factories (that I’ve worked in), that for her and her family that woman doesn’t risk a delay in promotion, she risks homelessness. Maybe even our nation’s bipartisan era isn’t about Trump, but is still about Obama? After all, one look at the farcical complaints many Republicans had about Obama during his tenure, when compared to their silence regarding Trump’s unending list of proven lies? This nation’s divide isn’t about Republicans and Democrats at all…And then there’s Judge Shillingford, pictured on Google images at many NAACP functions, who simply may have seen a Darius we never saw; one who didn’t have the intelligence we knew of, or the indisputably kind nature. Maybe she saw a person who was incapable of a productive life given the right supports…because of his skin color. Maybe she knew better.

Having raised white children in predominantly black, Brooklyn neighborhoods, I can confess to you that every once in a while, a fellow white would let slip their belief that we were throwing our kids’ safety under a bus to prove our liberalness. The truth was the opposite—Because of the trust we’d extended by living there my boys were protected by those communities. The black on black shit is what will astound you.

(“Sidebar, your honor?” An old contact of mine works closely to [but not in] the Brooklyn District Attorney’s office. Not to go spy-novel herein, but this “source” felt that Shillingford will not be reprimanded for this ruling or her language. She may actually be rewarded. My contact’s theory is that the Shillingford’s “shortcomings” regarding her knowledge and feelings about developmental disabilities, are well known by the Brooklyn DA, Eric Gonzalez. Shillingford may have been set up to take the bullet for a DA’s office that has wanted this ending for Darius all along. And this would make sense; for Gonzalez’s office seems intent on preserving a progressive aura; yet in the case of Darius McCollum has never negotiated in good faith.)

Whether you are African-American, Spanish, on the spectrum, LGBTQ, or Muslim…any minority will always feel doubt about their way of doing things, even if that way is brilliant. And any majority will have supreme confidence in their way of doing things, even if their way is so dumb it’s beyond repair. Unless we are all educated otherwise, that’s simply how majorities and minorities think.

***

I can’t compartmentalize Darius McCollum as the screwup twin brother who couldn’t stop breaking my heart, or as the African-American who only had a chance in our dreams. Darius will perhaps best be categorized as the human being who consciously made us face our capacity for cowardice and inaction. For I could cry at will, in gratitude, for the fact that I was raised on this one notion: If in the course of your job, you have to turn a blind eye to a giant injustice? Then it is time to look for another job. These days, this concept feels more than lost. Judge Shillingford cowardly stated in her sentencing that her “hands (were) tied.” Bull. The judge is a bigot, perhaps twice over (though I can’t make that call). Because she is both a female and an African-American, and I am a white male, I will grant that she had it harder than me—I’d bet a limb on it. But the end result matters too.

I know I’m angry. And in my anger, I erroneously feel it’s my duty to look upon her, and maybe Gonzalez, as garbage human beings. But I think the real duty for us all is to acknowledge that they are not alone.

#racism #ableism #darius mccollum #real folk heroes of the 21st century #travesties #miscarriages of justice #outrage #autism #asperger syndrome #transit #transit history

[a-woman-apart]

Watch "I'M BACK! WHY I LEFT YOUTUBE FOR TWO YEARS!" on YouTube

This scared me so badly, because this is EXACTLY what happened in my life, except it was all in The Reverse.

I graduated with an Associate Degree in Music Performance in 2018, but instead of running TOWARDS my dream/calling I ran hardcore AWAY from it. My pride in graduating only lasted a month before I declared myself Utterly Unmarketable and sought to go after a "real degree" and get a Big Girl career.

Between 2018 and 2020 I had major life changes.

My dad died of stomach cancer

I broke up with my neglectful boyfriend

I turned down a Full Ride to a major college

I hospitalized myself for Suicidal Ideation (Sept 2019)

I quit my job of 5 years

I started working for my best friend and became her Office Manager

I started dating the Love of my Life

I lost my friend group and peer support

I lost my mind and left college due to COVID-19 (but not before making one of my best decisions in taking a Screenwriting class because I WANTED not NEEDED it)

Started distancing myself from the toxic women in my life and definining Womanhood/Adulthood for myself

Visited my brother's grave after over a decade of waiting and got closure

Fully acknowledged my childhood trauma/abuse

Rediscovered my sexuality

Was disowned by who I erroneously thought was a close friend of 17 years over my political views

Joined and exited Unity2020

Turned in my car for repossession

Spent a week in the hospital after having a severe, paranoid psychotic break, but came out completely free of the vice of self-consciousness I was living under

You know what is nuts? I feel in many ways, I have completely reverted to who I was in the summer of 2011. I was off my meds, and it WAS mania, but personality-wise, the tempestuous, gum-chewing, cigarette-puffing, flirtatious, humorous, free-spirited ball of fire that drove all the way to Colorado on a whim wasn't rebellious, SHE WAS ME.

I just wasn't Me around the right people, and it wasn't the Right Time.

My inner Sagittarius moon would remain in a dormant state for almost a full decade. I would spend the next 9 years heavily sedated, sleepwalking through life, only alive at The Sound of Music.

It was Torture to feel so much but be afraid to express myself. I had to Hide while doing a major that demanded that I Command Attention. I am by nature "dramatic", "theatrical", "emotional", "expressive" but that part of me was so suppresed that I was frequently told I sang with excellence but without emotion.

Aside: During my 2011 manic episode, I spoke a lot about Doppelgangers. Without going into excessive detail, this is a German word that means "Double" and it is considered bad luck to encounter yours.

In the past 2 weeks, I have encountered people that look/sound like me (Josephine is Nigerian-Canadian and I am Nigerian-American and I kept thinking about her work even though I initially disagreed with her lot) and a woman with my name (different spelling) who was NOTHING like me and I also think might've had malice in mind for me.

I was DEFINITELY an agnostic atheist when I started this year, but as a result of undergoing so much weird shit I almost certainly believe in God, and yes, "God is a Woman." (More on that later)

Also, I realized that I really DID, as many teenage girls, "lose interest in math and science" but that was because of the terrible, unfactual way it was presented in my homeschool curriculum and by my mom, who was a Math major but whose disinterested detachment made every algebra lesson an excercise in torture.

I have always loved biolology and anatomy and I remember so much more chemistry than I thought. Geology class in community college was amazing and also helped me understand-- even more than the Theory of Evolution-- why young earth creationism was completely impossible.

As for math, I spent 15 years thinking it was my greatest weakness when I have had to use arithmetic in cashiering, my managerial work, and my monthly budget for the last 7 years. Also, as annoying as it was to hear constantly, my mom parroting "What you have to do to one side, you have to do to the other" (but in reverse) gave me the ability to do Algebra quickly and (mostly) effortlessly. I could never get A's, but I got a B in Quantitative Mathematics with no real help aside from occasional teacher input and the "Help me solve this" function of MyMathLab.

Here is where it Gets Weird. I am a Creative. I have been writing stories since I was 6 years old. I have loved Story all my life. My parents were in math and science fields and they completely lacked any creativity. COMPLETELY. It was part of why they were so religiously rigid, authoritarian, and draconian. There was no room for spontaneity or childish imaginativeness.

Looking back, I had major sensory and processing issues. I was likely speech delayed, I learned to read late, and I recently confirmed that when I am stressed my dyscalculia kicks in bad (it IS real). Numbers and symbols get really interchangeable (like an 8 and infinity symbol become kinda the same) which is why I had to recite phone numbers out loud to remember them or write them on colorful backgrounds so I can see them in my head as an image. Also explains my aversion to math but my ease with fractions (1/2 is half a sandwich, etc).

My spatial awareness is also shit when stressed. Before I turned in our car, I had earned the nickname "U-turn" from my boyfriend because on that Floating Death Machine left and right got completely crossed, frequently.

By the way, I struggled with right and left until I WAS EIGHT YEARS OLD. I literally didn't understand the concept of a mirror and 3D space, meaning that the basic understanding that my right is someone else's left didn't come into play until I had an argument with my [now-deceased] brother about it.

What is so weird, is that because of years of correcting for these issues, my sense of direction, ON FOOT is good, if not better than most people. Also, once I realized that, given the opportunity, I very much do whatever I can with my left-hand, and that my hearing is MUCH better than I even thought, I am far less clumsy. Depth perception is still crap, but that is probably also because I was forced to spend years without the glasses I needed (and got earlier this year after living with chronic eye strain)

When I talk about these "issues" it is in line with female autism, but you know what? If really do have adult autism, then I am a Complete Boss because I have pwned that ho.

After being rehospitalized, a kind nurse suggested I may have PTSD and suggested medicine for insomnia and nightmares. It was extremely helpful. I had been looking into C-PTSD for a while, because I didn't think I had "suffered enough" to have "real" PTSD. But that isn't how diagnoses work.

Btw, I still have Bipolar I, Psychotic Features. Another kind nurse told me I don't need anti-psychotics, and no, I don't. I was given Zyprexa by a bitch nurse and it was like getting drunk. I stumbled the halls, almost fell over (possibly did) and woke up with a neon "Fall Risk" bracelet. Anti-psychotics also fucked up my menstrual cycle for years and I have had lingering hormonal isssues. Haha no thanks.

Anyway, I digress. Of course I am fucked up. I lived under family members who questioned my reality, attempted to crush my dreams, threatened me with physical punishment any time I behaved in non-neurotypical ways, violated my rights and interfered with my treatment even though I was a full legal adult, undermined my relationships, tortured and socially isolated me, etc., all under the guise "of knowing best."

In minority cultures, our darkness hides in plain sight, and ESPECIALLY in the Bible Belt, with its supeestition and idolization of familial hierarchy/patriarchy, victims of financial, spiritual, emotional, and physical abuse have no where safe to turn. The Long Arm of the Law is often Short when it comes to "breaking up the family", and women and children are victimized openly with little to no intervention.

On top of doing my Creative Work, I plan to create legislation to make sure that what happened to me and my siblings isn't allowed to go unpunished. We lost my older brother, and I almost died, too, but Enough is Enough.

The Time is Now.

P.S. If Josephine is an Air Nomad I identify as a Water Bender. I basically have no water in my astrological chart, but water signs bring me great comfort in times of need (and make bad romantic partners for me obviously)

Also, this is one Bad Biyatch.

I also found out I am an ISFJ, not INFJ. Yep. Gonna be a Playwright and Director. I want to be a part of the action, not just writing about it.

#losing my religion #religious abuse #spirtual abuse #toxic family #parental abuse #no more silence #god is a woman #suicide #mental health #neurodivergence #homeschooling #social isolation #musical mind #soundtrack of life #true love #it gets better #covid2019 #college dropout #Youtube #Korra is my Avatar #we must complete our purpose