#its likely ill post more here since its a more personal main than my last

[biggiedraws]

thinking about post-implantation wash again.....

cause like. the rvb writers dropped a lot of balls, but this is the one i find personally the most upsetting. like. a soldier getting irreparably fucked up by an experiment gone wrong is the kind of premise i read fanfiction about (that probably says something about me but im not gonna examine it. moving on). especially since he STAYED with freelancer???? you could take this in so many different directions- his fellow freelancers are worried about him but he pushes through anyway. his fellow freelancers ARENT worried about him and push him harder than he can handle. the director pulls the ai fragments and theres hostility from more than just the one-dimensional "raging bitch" character. the director DOESNT pull the ai fragments, which seriously calls into question the ethics of the whole operation (which i believe is more in line with the pfl that was described in earlier seasons, but thats a story for another time) AND puts potential pressure on wash to get another implantation (oh my GOD. show me THAT version of pfl).

and of couse. how could i possibly forget epsilon. there is something so uniquely tasty about 2 characters who went through something traumatic together and then didnt see each other again until ages later- ESPECIALLY when one of them was the cause, even though they werent directly at fault, and the other was just unlucky enough to be involved. like holy shit????? the TENSION that would cause???? the discomfort being around each other? the guilt? having nowhere to place the blame except the director?? oh my GOD literally any interaction between them couldve had so much FLAVOUR. im not saying they need to be the main focus of the story or anything but we didnt get a single interaction!! not even a crumb!! like. do something with the fact that wash needed to have alpha in his head in season 6 despite refusing to ever have another ai after epsilon. do something with wash needing to SEE and HEAR and TALK TO epsilon again. do something with epsilon remembering fucking exploding in washs head!!!! im not asking for a lot here- asking for a lot would be suggesting a scenario like the one from season 6, except wash needs EPSILON in his head for some reason and gets legitimately triggered by it or cant bring himself to do it. thats the kind of shit i want to see, but i understand that that isnt carolina-centric enough so ill get it from fanfiction as god intended. but cant i ask for at least some awkwardness? maybe an uncomfortable confrontation? irrational hostility? SOMETHING. it doesnt have to be the focus but it should be THERE.

and like. youd think that this is an issue with retconning. and it kind of is, but its more about missed opportunities. like. i dont mind the retcon that freelancer was always its own thing, or that church was always an ai. those things are cool! they take the story in a more interesting direction! yeah it makes things more confusing and id prefer if the retcons werent necessary, but. its not the end of the world. but the thing with wash is. they did a really cool and interesting thing by having an ai COMMIT SUICIDE in his fucking HEAD. and then they went back on it! they very quickly went from "this clearly left a lasting impact on him" to "oh well it was bad, probably worse than hes letting on, but some of it was an act! so he could take em down from the inside!" to "yeah i mean he screamed while it was happening but he was fine when he woke up. no lasting consequences" and then it was never addressed again. and im mad about it!! they didnt even properly retcon it- they just decided that it had no consequences anymore, and it made washs character LESS interesting.

#anyway. having a lot of wash thoughts lately #rvb #red vs blue #rvb washington

[peachesofteal]

just want to mention that since the last update of DD ive been reading it in a straight loop. as soon as i finish a reread i start over again, get through 2-3 chapters a day i think. sometimes ill take a little break and go reread all of the AU posts and drabbles again. dead disco has me by the fucking THROAT you have so much power

its fr like the GTA gif "ah shit, here we go again" i swear HAHAHA

also a question! whats your writing process like? there's so many flashbacks and jumping around (which works SO WELL, i havent read an author that does it like you and thats a damn shame bc its just so seamless and gives so much insight to the characters and the dynamics and gives the pacing a lot of interest, like it gives the main storyline time to breathe without forcing it to jump from Big Thing to Big Thing since we get little snippets of past Things UGH so smart)

im so curious how you plan it out and execute it!!! do you come up with the little events you'd like to cover when doing the full outline, write em out and slip em in where they fit best in the 'main' timeline? do you come up with the timeline, then write a note for yourself like "put flashback here about xyz" in where you want to emphasize the background/buildup of whats happening in the main timeline, then write the flashback after the main timeline part of the chapter is done? i cant imagine writing the chapters straight through like they are and keeping it all straight in my head, theres gotta be a method haha

thanks for the endless reading material ur a lifeline fr xoxo

Ahh thank you so much! I'm so flattered. Dead Disco is my ultimate personal comfort fic, so it means a lot that others enjoy it (and the AUs!) 🖤

About my writing process: Dead Disco has two outlines. Current timeline and past timeline. It's outlined by 'events' more than anything else, and I use that to steer me when I'm working on it. I write current timeline first, and then past timeline second, usually because I'm trying to figure out where to put the flashbacks in so they make the most sense. So a chapter will have two major events on the current timeline that are outlined to correspond with something specific in the past timeline, if that makes sense.

Sometimes it gets a little complicated and/or confusing, but I try to smooth it out for the reader if I feel like I'm not telling a cohesive story. I really enjoy writing this way, with flashbacks, and would love to adapt it to something like a book, but who knows. Basically everything I write looks like this in my head:

#frogladder #peaches asks #dead disco

[xavieryaa]

Making My Own Tumblr Year In Review

So tumblr is not doing the individual years in review for 2023 like they did the last couple of years :(

This is the first year I’ve really been active on Tumblr and used it as my primary social media, so I was really sad to hear that. But then I decided…why not do it myself?

I posted 1837 times in 2023. That’s 5 times per day.

1748 (95%) of my posts were reblogs, and 89 (5%) of my posts were original.

Blogs I think I reblogged the most? Not in order.

@yipeewahoo

@hoodie-sys

@94erz

@namchyoon

@heybaetae

These are just based on me cmd-f'ing my blog using the names of blogs I remember reblogging a lot. It's probably wrong.

My top 15 most used tags (not 5 because i love tagging and want to show more):

#bts - 1045 posts (yeah obviously)

#bts pics - 803 posts (yeah obviously x2)

#queue attack my heart - 691 posts

#memery - 312 posts

#namjoon - 308 posts (i am so mentally ill)

#hoseok - 167 posts

#jungkook - 166 posts

#seokjin - 138 posts

#jimin - 138 posts (i wrote down seokjin's tag first so i put it higher)

#yoongi - 119 posts

#fic & writing - 108 posts

#taehyung - 103 posts

#bts birthdays - 99 posts

#serious posts - 92 posts

#namjoonposting - 59 posts (my favorite tag)

By the way this was so fucking annoying to do. The archive does not show how many posts you have in a certain tag. For every month I counted the amount of rows in a tag, multiplied it by 8, and added in any rows that didn't quite get up to 8. Then I added all those months together. I had to do that for every tag. Tumblr why is there no easy way to see the number of posts in a tag.

My top 5 posts of 2023:

5. Luffy Tab - 20 notes

Still can't believe we just. got a luffy tab. i just woke up and had a luffy tab

4. BTS Post Search - 27 notes

As it turned out. the poster changed their name to something else so that's why i couldn't find the post from tumblr user soupmoths -- they were an entirely different person. oopsie

Also I ended up being able to reblog it! Someone tagged me!

3. 3D Rant - 32 notes

This post got me my first hate reblog <3

In case anyone is wondering. I still agree with everything I said here.

2. Porn - 99 notes

Not doing the big link preview for this one since that on its own is kinda nsfw. Minors don’t click that link.

But yeah. That makes sense.

Even though there’s only 5 reblogs people find it semi-frequently (especially the past few days, no idea why), so I guess it’s spreading somehow? Which makes me happy :)

The Reddit Post - 2.1k notes

Obviously that was going to be it lol, over 20 times the amount of notes than anything else. My notifications were Dying.

Also, this stuff wasn’t in the actual Year in Review(s), but I’m adding them in for fun.

I liked 21k posts in 2023.

I followed 426 blogs in 2023 (not including the accounts I unfollowed).

I gained 69 followers in 2023 (excluding porn bots and regular bots). Nice.

I started 4 blogs on this account, 1 main blog and 3 side blogs.

I gained 15 mutuals in 2023 <3

All this data was as of December 18th, 2023.

#xavi.txt #tumblr year in review #year in review #diy year in review #tumblr year in review 2023 #year in review 2023

[bonesandthebees]

ello bones hope youre doing good

just found even more cool songs thanks to you, how do you always have more???

also WE COULDVE HAD YOU DOING ASL??? aw man :( (/lh)

anyway, I just turned in my paper that ive been working on for the last few months (yay, finally, it ate like all of my free time and energy) and suddenly I have too much free time and not much too read or watch (I had saved so many fics I cant manage to read anymore)

any coming of age books (or fics) or movies recommendations? (I need me some honey and tangerines vibes yk? ive been listening to the playlist too much again. one day I think ill read that fic again, but today is not the day)

much love to go you all in the ask box, eli <3

I'm doing pretty good! went to a yoga class tonight and I'm seeing the tommyinnit live show tomorrow so it's shaping up to be a pretty great weekend!

I actually filmed a video to post here on language day and everything but I wanted to redo it so my face wasn't fully in frame but then I just didn't get around to it :( oh well next time

OOO congrats on turning in that paper!! that's a huge accomplishment, I hope you get a great grade on it. and yay for free time!

oh boy ok coming of age recs I can do this. I haven't read any coming of age books since I was a teenager though so keep in my my memory of these are all hazy

books:

the perks of being a wallflower by stephen chbosky - hallmarker of the coming of age genre, read this when I was 16 and cried, even if you've seen the movie I highly recommend the book

aristotle and dante discover the secrets of the universe by benjamin alire saenz - literally was one of my favorite books for so many years. I read it when I was 15 and became obsessed with it. I still look back on it so warmly it's just such a great book

it's kind of a funny story by ned vizzini - also read this one when I was like 16ish. I remembered enjoying it but not as much as the other two I've listed here. still very good though!

movies:

cha cha real smooth (2022) - actually one of my favorite coming of age films I've ever seen. it's a coming of age film about a guy in his early 20s instead of in his teens which is refreshing in its own. it hit particularly hard for me because I saw it when I was 22 and freshly graduated from college unsure what to do, the main character is 22 and freshly graduated from college unsure what to do. it's also a very unique setup and I really loved how they pulled it off

the edge of seventeen (2016) - this might be a controversial pick because the main character is actually pretty insufferable in this, but that's part of why I enjoyed it. the character is meant to be insufferable. she's a teenage girl dealing with the hell of being a teenage girl and she sucks! it's an intentional thing and it does it very well! I would say it still falls flat in some areas, but I'm mainly recommending it because it's so refreshing to have an mc genuinely be a shitty person

sing street (2016) - I count this as a coming of age movie but it's also kind of a music movie? it's incredibly fun no matter what. the songs are so catchy, the characters are all great, and the relationships are just all very well done

the kings of summer (2013) - genuinely why do I never hear anyone talk about this movie. I haven't seen it in so long but I remember it being incredibly funny with a great dose of summertime whimsy

hunt for the wilderpeople (2016) - tbh I never thought of this as a coming of age movie and it might be a bit different than most of the films on here but I was looking up lists of coming of age movies to try and remember which ones I've seen and I saw this one mentioned a few times. if you're a fan of taika waititi films, in my opinion this is his best one hands down. it's hilarious but also incredibly sweet and heartwarming at the same time

moonrise kingdom (2012) - very charming and storybook esque in the way all wes anderson films are, but with a really sweet story between two kids at its core. again, different from most of the ones on this list, but definitely an enjoyable one all the same

hope this list helps!

#ask #jiksvokrat

[ryetherat]

so... percy jackson rp?

i've had this idea in my mind for... years at this point, i guess, just swimming around in the back of my mind. and it Hit me again thanks to the show so here we are

i'm not looking for a roleplay partner, which seems to be the "norm" nowadays. my plan: a pjo rp forum site, hosted on jcink or proboards, whatever works. forum roleplaying was a big part of my online experience growing up and god i just MISS it

i have basic ideas, ill put them under the cut

the bulk of the rp would be character building, threads in camp and elsewhere - but i have this main gimmick idea for "quests":

they would be primarily crafted by admin (who have first dibs for playing cabin counselors too), and assigned to players who signed up to be on the quest "waiting list". admin (which would have a shared account so it didnt matter specifically Who) would play the parts of NPCS - including monster encounters. if/when gods showed up, they would also be played by admin

i'd love to implement some sort of ttrpg dice system, with quickfire threads for combat separate but linked to the main thread. monsters would have different stats, etc. and players could even consent to character deaths when signing up for quests!

demigods wouldnt be the only type of character available to make, but it would have to be the majority. satyrs, i think, would be the most numerous "side characters", maybe nymphs around camp. those details arent important rn tho

what i'm thinking:

with admin, i'm looking for people who know how to code and create custom layouts, graphics etc. ideally, 2-3 people so its not all one one person

i'd want the timeline to be vaguely post-pjo - meaning, there are more than the 12 cabins, less unclaimed demigods, etc. but its been a while since ive read the heroes of olympus and i've barely cracked open the first trials of apollo book so idk what Happened to affect the site's timeline/lore. so in my mind, it's just post-last olympian.

also, i wouldn't want to have canon characters - at the most, they'd be NPCs that are rarely used.

i know a big thing is that people have lives, and i have no idea what the forum-rp scene is like because i haven't been involved since.... god(s) idk, around 10 years???

me personally, i have the free time to be willing to overlook the site and get everything written out; admin i would want to be more active, of course, just enough to keep things running

age-wise, it wouldnt feel right to make it a 17+ forum, this is a kid's series after all. i think 13 is the limit for most if not all forums, and i'd be fine with that. player ages shouldn't be broadcasted, we could have some sort of Minor/Adult indicator but idk if even that would be necessary.

and i'd want at least a "proficient" level of writing, whatever the terms were - rp posts wouldnt need to be whole novels, but at least a chunky paragraph that the partner could work off

i'm hoping the popularity of the show will give me a chance to actually do this >:3

so uhhhh i guess if you're interested, shoot me a dm or reply to this post? let me know if you'd want to be an admin or mod, what you'd be able to do for the site, whatever you think is important to mention. if you just want to be a normal member and rp a funny lil demigod, thats fine too! maybe we could have Special Privileges for those who join at the start!

#pjo #percy jackson #pjo rp #roleplay #forum roleplay

[lokilysolbitch]

My new fixation is bad poetry

and its making me think about how to define art and poetry and what makes poetry good etc but I can't go back and find my sophomore english teacher and rant about it so I'm making it yalls problem. but mr c if ur in here pls read also what do you mean thats one way to skin a hamster. thats not how it goes what are you talking abou

first of all, ive finally figured out my current definition of art: records of the human experience or just experience in general. so yes paintings and poetry but ALSO tiktoks or a decorated room. idc if you think its stupid there are remnants and references to human experiences ALL OVER those. so basically if it left a mark at any point, its art. maybe not always "good" or skilled, deep, etc but it is art (to me)

secondly, what is poetry? the same sophomore english teacher asked this at the beginning of a unit and the class was struggling. every time we listed a requirement for poetry he went "is that necessary though?". "it has to rhyme" "does it?" "it has to be deep" "does it" "it needs to have words!" ".....does it?" man idk i was 15 and sleep deprived

but now im less sleep deprived and i have an answer. I would consider poetry a spectrum (but not necessarily flexible. i wouldn't say you have to bend it's meaning to make something fit) but also playing with language, to be playful with it and have fun with it, to use it as a toy in a way. using language in a way different from its intended use. so writing a personal narrative about a deep topic? not poetry. maybe you had fun with it but thats still its main use. to make words rhyme, to alliterate, to use words just plain wrong? probably poetry. its still a spectrum. and im aware this means that saying something like "yew nork/glass fork" would count as a shitpost and poetry while "Ill love you and ill never stop loving you" doesnt and um i dont care i said what i said--

this would also mean most books and speeches would have little bits of poetry in there and i stand by that too. maybe the entire thing isnt poetry but bits of it could count. i came to this conclusion on the meaning of poetry because i saw too many "aesthetic" free verse poems that were just. tweets. you coulda just made it a sentence and posted it for free. there was no attempt to play with language. you just used it the way you were supposed to. its just a quote.

im definitely going to add more onto this about what i think poetry critics miss sometimes and why formal teaching of poetry is flawed but not all in one post bc its a lot. However i have one last concept to attempt to define. this one has always made me the angriest

GOOD VS BAD POETRY/ART

where do i even start. maybe we should just get rid of these terms completely and make people say what they mean. is it good or did he just use literary devices correctly. is it good or is it genuine. is it good or is it deep. is it good or is it entertaining. is it good or do you like it. is it good or is it popular. is it good or is it complex. is it good or is it creative.

ive been saying since i was i was maybe 12-13 that even though good does not have a solid stable meaning, there is still a sense of what good is. We know what its supposed to be. classical music, Edgar Allen Poe, Da Vinci are good. sure most people barely know or understand or care about these things other than one piece of work they can recall because they had to look at it in highschool that time and the teacher seemed to appreciate it. and we know that reality tv, messily hand drawn animals, and half assed near unintelligible tiktok skits are bad.

but....wait we like those though

ive come to the conclusion that while still shifting, "good"'s meaning in scholarly settings tends to come down to whatever those somethingth century european dudes and what the modern smart looking guys deemed intelligent. and in colloquial settings, what everyone likes.

many pretentious types will say rap is bad and the subject matter is crude and the same way im sure some old european guy would have said or has said traditional african music is too weird and primitive to be respectable.

now. i dont really listen to rap intentionally. if its in there its in there. I used to be pretentious and after changing i just never got too deep into it BUT. i listened to a Nicki Minaj song one time just to see and yeah it was not family friendly but dear god was it clever. the way she'd drop the most genius alliteration-personification-allegory-englishvocabword and then just keep it moving like im not gonna have to stop and ponder the seven layer reference to bedtime hanky panky. its smart. its creative. its complex. and so many rappers can write about the same topics over and over and still come back with a new way of phrasing it. its genuinely impressive

but so many still wouldn't consider it good.

the term good when it comes to art, while having somewhat of a meaning is still useless. make your own personal standards for what is important for you to see in art. its kind of silly for us to collectively decide "okay this art? we like it. this is good" and then go to a different community (age group, culture, race) and go "were going to show you the new gold standard for good! its what we liked! you dont do it like this?? then yours is bad!". historically thats never been a good move

what i find important with poetry (and by poetry i mostly mean song writing bc i dont even read poetry like that) tends to be "is it a poem? or a sentence/paragraph". everything other than that just has to do with my taste and what I prefer in the moment. and it goes the same for everyone else. there's no universal good or bad with art. its just what a dominant or culturally respected group of people said was important.

limericks are bad tho jesus told me/j

TL;DR: i think anything that records an experience is art. i think toying with language mostly makes it poetry, and i think its weird people create little boxes for good and bad and make everyone else adhere to it

#poetry #poetrycritic #creative writing #formalapollooffering #instagrampoetry #instapoetry #art #philosophy #songwriting #bad poetry #rap #writing analysis #literature #ididntproofreadthis #infodump #hyperfixation #adhd #literary device #handmadeorganicpost

[herpoetryshelf]

[Blog #10] Spring 2023, Plath, Sexton and Lowell vs Olds, Flynn and Davis

Today, I am comparing and contrasting early Confessional poets -- Sylvia Plath’s “Lady Lazarus,” Anne Sexton’s “Wanting to Die” and Robert Lowell’s “Skunk Hour” -- to their Confessional contemporaries --  Sharon Olds’ “My Son the Man,” Nick Flynn’s “My Mother Contemplating Her Gun” and Olena Kalytiak Davis’ “Not This”.

For reference, confessional-style poetry or confessionalism is poetry that often incorporates first-person perspective to detail psychological struggles such as mental illness and/or childhood traumas.

Before I analyze the similarities and differences between those six poems, I would love to greet anyone who happens to stumble upon this blog post.  

This is the link to my first blog post on Ada Limon’s The Carrying (2018):

My professor assigned a poetry book collection or individual poems every other week. My main objective was to dissect a few poems that left an impression on me while using his T.R.I.F.F.I.D. method.  

Tone: the voice, mood, or attitude the reader believes the author is conveying through subject and word choice. 

Rhythm: the pattern and beat between the stressed and unstressed word syllables. 

Imagery: the details told through the five senses (touch aka physical, sound aka auditory, sight aka visual, taste aka gustatory and smell aka olfactory). 

Figure: or figure of speech, is the non-literal expression of language. Figures of speech include hyperbole, irony, metaphor, simile, anaphora, antithesis and chiasmus. 

Form: the way a poem is presented on paper or a screen. Think of how the author physically shapes the poem -- the use of dialogue, line spacing, paragraph breaks, rhythms and patterns. 

Idea Density: how the author expresses their ideas throughout their poem. Can be literal (concrete) and/or figurative (vague or hidden).  

Diction: the word choice and arrangement within a piece. 

Part I:

The most noticeable difference between early and contemporary confessional poems are their forms. For example, both Sylvia Plath’s “Lady Lazarus” and Anne Sexton’s “Wanting to Die” have 3 lines per stanza, while Robert Lowell’s “Skunk Hour” has 6. 

On the other hand, Sharon Olds’ “My Son the Man” is one long stanza compose of 15 lines; Nick Flynn’s “My Mother Contemplating Her Gun” is a bit harder to deduce where a stanza starts and end, but it seems to vary between 1–3 lines per stanza. Olena Kalytiak Davis’ “Not This” starts at 2 lines, then 11, and shifts back to 2 lines for the last three stanzas. 

Part II:

I feel as though I can’t quite compare and contrast the early and contemporary poets’ idea density because they all similarly discuss mental health awareness/topics. Plath’s “Lady Lazarus” (Lazarus means a person who is resurrected from the dead) reveals the narrator’s (Plath’s) third suicide attempt by age thirty:

I have done it again.   

One year in every ten   

I manage it——

(...)

And I a smiling woman.   

I am only thirty.

And like the cat I have nine times to die.

This is Number Three.   

What a trash

To annihilate each decade. (1-3, 21-24)

Lowell’s “Skunk Hour” the narrator admits to his declining mental health -- feeling crazy, alone and depressed, so much so, he compared his state of mind to Hell:

My mind’s not right.

A car radio bleats,

“Love, O careless Love. . . .” I hear

my ill-spirit sob in each blood cell,

as if my hand were at its throat. . . .

I myself am hell;

nobody’s here— (30-36)

Sexton’s “Wanting to Die” is vaguely similar in topic to Plath as they both discuss “suicide,” though Sexton is more on the nose than Plath. In reference to the title, the narrator confesses to her desire to commit suicide:

Since you ask, most days I cannot remember.

I walk in my clothing, unmarked by that voyage.   

Then the almost unnameable lust returns.

Even then I have nothing against life.

I know well the grass blades you mention,   

the furniture you have placed under the sun.

But suicides have a special language.

Like carpenters they want to know which tools.

They never ask why build. (1-9)

Olds’ “My Son the Man” the narrator confesses that she is afraid of her son growing up and becoming his own person outside of her control/influence (maternal fears).

She compares herself to the chains strapped on Houdini, while her son is compared to Houdini himself:

Suddenly his shoulders get a lot wider,

the way Houdini would expand his body

while people were putting him in chains. It seems

no time since I would help him to put on his sleeper,

guide his calves into the gold interior,

zip him up and toss him up and

catch his weight. I cannot imagine him

no longer a child, and I know I must get ready,

get over my fear of men now my son

is going to be one. This was not

what I had in mind when he pressed up through me like a

sealed trunk through the ice of the Hudson,

snapped the padlock, unsnaked the chains,

and appeared in my arms. Now he looks at me

the way Houdini studied a box

to learn the way out, then smiled and let himself be manacled. (1-15)

Eventually, like all traps, Houdini figures them out and escapes, which is what the narrator fears her son will do to her when he matures. 

Again, Flynn’s “My Mother Contemplating Her Gun” is similar to Plath and Sexton’s poems as it deals with the topic of suicide; as the title implies, the narrator is the mother. 

Throughout the poem, the mother discusses the gun -- the act of suicide -- as insignificant or easy by down-playing the severity and adding colorful descriptions to the gun:

 I bought it

when I didn’t feel safe. The barrel

                      is oily,

          reflective, the steel

pure, pulled from a hole

                   in West Virginia. It

could have been cast into anything, nails

along the carpenter’s lip, the ladder

to balance the train. Look at this, one

                        bullet,

                        how almost nothing it is—

          saltpeter   sulphur   lead   Hell

burns sulphur, a smell like this.

                        safety & hammer, barrel & grip

             I don’t know what I believe. (9-23)

Lastly, in Davis’ “Not This,” the narrator reveals she regrets not appreciating the little moments of family time in the past since the family dynamic has change -- the children growing up and the narrator (possibly) falling out of love with their spouse:

i raised my kids, they

grew i lost two pasts–i am

not made of them and they

are through.

we forget what

we remember:

each of the five

the fevered few

days we used to

fall in love. (10-19)

What did I learn?

The most noticeable difference between early and contemporary confessional poems are their forms; early poets stuck to a rigid line count, while their successors are more free-flowing. 

Moreover, they all discuss mental health issues. Plath, Sexton and Flynn explore suicide in their poetry; Lowell, Olds and Davis wrote about varying topics: solitude, maternal fears and regret. 

Whether early or contemporary, not all poets write about the same mental issues; even if two poets wrote about the same mental illness, they have differing voices, imagery, figures of speeches, etc. 

Though, most confessional poets seem to share the same tone: melancholy, desolate, grim, mournful and pessimistic.

Spotlight Poet: Who is Sylvia Plath?

Some may only know Sylvia Plath by how she infamously died, rather than how she lived her life. I am here to correct that! Boston native Sylvia Plath specialized and was highly noted for her confessional poetry; her topics ranged from her mental struggles, self-image and familial and marital traumas. During her lifetime, Plath published two poetry collections: The Colossus and Other Poems (1960) and Ariel (1965). 

One of her most well-known and studied poems is “Lady Lazarus” and “Daddy”. In the former, as discussed earlier, Plath confesses to her third suicide attempt, whereas in the latter, she recounts her patriarchal sufferings through her father’s death and the conflicting relationship with her husband (poet Ted Hughes). 

In the end, Sylvia Plath’s poetry remained timeless and praised by her contemporaries and successors because of how relatable and descriptive her thoughts and emotions -- anguish, alienation and self-destruction -- are to the past and present literary communities.

For more information on confessionalism and poetry by Plath, Sexton, Lowell, Olds, Flynn and Davis, check out the links below:

Lastly, what are some of your favorite confession-style poems? 

Feel free to share some below!

#poetry review #poetry book #poetry recs #Sylvia Plath #Anne Sexton #Robert Lowell #poems #early poetry #contemporary poetry #sharon olds #nick flynn #olena kalytiak davis #confessional poetry

[yellowbluemoonshine]

Hey,manhwa anon,I was wondering if u have read seasons of blossom(sob) its recently ended so it'd be the best time to read I think you would like this story alot and as you said u liked romance in the response that make me more confident that u would like it

It's has romance but it's also touches other topic such as friendship,su1c1de,being bullied, pressure from parents to get grades etc nd imo all couple r good(execpt for one which I personally don't like) it's has 4 szn all have diff mc but! All of the characters r connected somehow it's funny,has good romance,touches serious topic,they help e/o through hardship

I love it nd I like ur opinion on many things so I wanted you to read this & give your opinions😅

Hey, anon, from this post. Thanks for your rec. Actually, i read first season before and maybe season 2 too, i dont really remember though. But i didnt complete it before but after getting your message, i decided to give another chance and i recently restarted it and finished the whole story. Also you made me curious about which one you didnt like, lol, let me know. And Here’s my opinion about series;

First of all, art is good and characters are generally good too . Though i prefer romance as sub-plot more because when it become main plot, it has cliches. I think this story make certain post too quick, like characters moving on, changing mind and growing and falling in love happened to fast, to the point i find it unrealistic. Though, i would still say this story is far better than most romances, at least.

Season 1; I think this one was my less interested in. I hate love triangle and misunderstandings, and all that fake boyfrien thing so cliche but also, i really didnt root for main couple since Jaemin and Bomi had a thing. And i thought what Bomi did is so unfair to Seounhi, Jaemin and Jinyoung, it was really frustrating because i think it was selfish act so. And i kinda felt sad about it and i wasnt big fan of Jinyeong and his brutal honesty and rudeness. He is cute but dude needs to learn some manners. But other than that, they look good together so i didnt really hate it. But i kinda get bored and forced myself to continue. And another problem with this one is the way Bomi described her feelings for Jaemin and Jinyoung. She says she feels more comfortable with Jaemin while to her, Jinyoung is unexpected, make her explode etc...I mean, actually love is all about feeling comfort, not unexpected events or excitement, thats more like lust and crush but we can also say love is different to anyone so. The fact that she fall in love with Jinyeong cause he is more rude while Jaemin was just kind...I mean, she just said she fell in love with Jinyoung because she felt more comfortable with his honesty at last scene of spring season, just like she said before when she talked with Jaemin.

Season 2; This one might be my favorite. Ironically, summer is my favorite season too. At first, i thought it was gonna be Jaemin x Somang but it turn out to be about Hamin and Somang. And you might say, Hamin is also rude to her so i wouldnt like it but actually, i love them together a lot. Their interaction happens so naturally and its also funny. Also sad. Jaemin and Somang making connection together is also very nice too. Something i didnt like, ‘its everyone’s fault but noone’s fault’ speech. Like , i get what she was trying to say but honestly, it is Hamin’s parents and school’s fault for him ending up like that. They are responsible for what happenned to Hamin. Its nowhere near to Jaemin and Somang, they were innocent. Also i wish story showed Jaemin’s tension building up in spring season, it would be better. Btw, i also like the fact that Hamin didnt kill himself because he was just in darkness but because he witnessed the light he couldnt reach make him suicide because thats how mental illness works. We dont feel miserable until we saw some people have better. Thats so realistic. And as last, i wish Jaemin and Hamin didnt look too similar. I mean, they look like twins, i feel weird when i see him with Somang and others lol. And this also the season i started to warm up to Seonhui and other mcs because they were kinda annoying at start/first season.

Season 3; This one might be my second favorite. At first i was so sure that i wouldnt like it because Gaeul’s revenge plan and using his feelings, also the fact that he was kinda related to her bullying but i actually liked it because they were so good together. The chemistry...between serious mature girl and kinda silly dense boy. My only issues would be she became too comfortable with someone who is indirectly related to her bullying, like that kind of discomfort dont go that easiely. And bully girl's plan was too silly and it got destroyed too quickly, it was kinda unrealistic. And even though Gauel was already comfortable with Subin, what was the point of them breaking up? I wish at least we saw her discomfort with Subin’s presence so it would make more sense that her wanting a little time and space. And one more thing, i hate the idea that Subin had to take care of that bully kid, just because he was indirectly related to his bullying as child....because i disagree. He doesnt have to be friends with him/them, after all they did. Another couple of the autumn season, i actually ship Jaemin and Seonhui more but i kinda warmed up with the idea of Seonhui and Jaehyeon more at the end of fall season and winter season. Like, i kinda like them too because they are cute together.

Season 4; And the winter season. I was waiting for this one since the beginning to the point sometimes i couldnt focus on others because how can i, when there is a bullying at the background? So messed up. But i was actually disappointed with this season. Because even though, i am glad to see other main characters with happy moments, we hardly get Dongchae as main character. He deserved more screentimes, more narrative but he was like a side character in his own story. I was also very dissapointed in Jaemin in this season. He literally lost his brother because of bullying but he saw someone else is also dealing with it and he said its none of my business and only interested in because he fell in love with his sister....Eunchae is good girl, i get it but your brother is being bullied and you have time for romance with random dude you just met? It was actually frustrating to read because Dongchae was suffering to the point that he was planning to kill himself while everyone is being lovey-dovey. It was painful to read. Though, i love his connection with Hamin and everyone coming together to save him from suicide. But instead of last minute speech before he was about to kill himself, we could’ve get more effort. Because you cant change someone who wants to kill himself’s mind that easiely. I wish we saw all that small efforts for Dongchae and that saving scene would be the last one, the one that finally reach Dongchae’s hearth but it all happenned one time. Until that moment they all (later Jinyoung’s friend too) ignored him when they know what was happening, so it was so annoying and disappointing but generally, ending is good. I didnt really ship Eunchane and Jaemin, Gyuri and Dongchae etc. And i ship Somang only with Hamin, not with glasses friend of Subin. And i am glad that Subin and Gaeul meet again and end up together. Anddddd i must admit i love the speech of ‘if you dont know how to love yourself, i will teach you’. That was amazing.

This is all but there might be things i forgot to say so for now, thats it. Despite some of the issues etc, i did have good/sad/emotional etc times too. So i think it was worth to read and give it another chance so again, thanks for rec. it to me.

#anon ask #webtoon #webtoon analysis #writing criticism #seasons of blossom #manhwa

[sjweminem]

do you miss your dad in a quantitive way? ive recently lost someone close to me and it hurts but you seem to be coping so well even tho its been years

i think a whole lot of it has to do with some of my own illnesses/disabilities (especially autism and SZPD), actually, as well as a severely trauma-ridden life..so i guess the """""""short"""""""" version (literally this fucking essay IS a short rundown) of the deal is this:

not only was i born with a predisposition for emotional scarcity, but also live the damage done by a life so harsh it just drains you of the more basic human emotions. i think that's why i'm so obsessed with math? everything is an equation to me. now, i loved my dad more than anybody on earth, but i don't know what "grief" means since i wasn't equipped with it, i don't think i know what it means to be "sad" (i'm recalling this old journal entry in which i said i was jealous of people who got sad, cuz like their mom died or they had a breakup or put their dog down etc. because my definition of the word "sadness" portrays it as a state of being with an inherent end-point, and good god did i wish i could be sad for that fact alone (i still have that journal, i can post that page or others if anybody wants, it's probably explained better there). the last time i cried was in drug detox like 3 years ago and that was due simply to the physical pain of opiate withdrawal. otherwise i straight up CANNOT cry, it's like i'm physically incapable of it. i think the ability has been taken.

it would make sense to cry over my dad, that exact moment while i was talking to him and felt life exit and soften the hand i was holding; at the moment we were looking each other in the eye and then suddenly..weren't. no tears; the mathematical equation had just been completed- when you become an adult it is the natural progression of things and has been for millennia. it made sense, it added up.

maybe, for weeks to come, it looked to others like i was repressing my Sadness (my WHAT?), that i wasn't letting myself Mourn (umm i don't think anyone ever taught me that ability?) but i'm still like that to this day. personally i just appreciate that i had him as a father, that he cared for me while my mother worked, taking me out for fun little adventures. i love that i had a father who so openly showed his love for me, was affectionate and never closed-off, and also he was brilliant and hilarious. moving on, i appreciate that the remainder of his life post-diagnosis was bright, that he moved in with us, that he and i got to be close again, that he continued with his passions. i hope you can gather past memories/positive facts to be seen through this kind of lens that eases your hurt.

i'm proud that i was the one to take care of him, driving him to and staying around for every single chemo session, sitting up next to his bed where he'd watch me draw in amazement. i'm delighted that the very last thing he felt while still a living human was my hand on his, that the very last thing he ever saw was my smiling face, that the last thing he ever heard was my voice. that's enough for me. i don't understand why i should feel hurt. i have plenty of "oh man i wish my dad could see this drawing!/hear about this stupid thing i did today!/etc but i mean..hey, i wish a lot of things! i wish i lived with mobius in a little house in maine! i wish there weren't so many dirty dishes in the sink right now! i wish my skin didn't get so dry no matter what i do why is it so fucking dry! i don't dwell. maybe the fact that i can't feel sadness and loss and whatever but am still able to feel love and affection work out in this case.

all that being said though, i wouldn't call any of this "coping well"- i just never HAD to cope. and i wanna make sure this doesn't come off as braggy abt how Strong i am or make you feel jealous for how i handled this loss!! like i come on here for people and content and i cuz i think i'm funny but the downside is it can project an inaccurate picture. like even if you've read the worst of the worst about my life and self i've cared to mention here over the years you've still only read the children's edition. if anybody ASKED for a real rundown i'd be totally fine writing that dissertation and pop some pics in for extra fun but i'm not the kind of person who whines all woe is me on their social media as if everyone cares lmao

#anonymous #correspondence

[deimosmadcomirl]

wanted to make an about me for me n my sys as well as an about me for the blog! (we may edit this post often)

firstly, let me explain the blog and what its for!

this blog is mainly here for us to educate people about ug subs, talk to others about reality shifting, post about our system, and post mood boards for characters! everything will be tagged appropriately incase you wanna block out a specific tag so you can just browse through our other posts without seeing posts with that tag! ill add onto this post later with all the main tags were gonna use so you know what posts/topic will be in which tags! a quick warning about the blog! this blog will talk about sensitive topics, as a lot of ug subs revolve around sensitive topics! we may also have posts that could be considered 'sexual themes' as we do make and use subs for that stuff!

secondly, i guess were just the nevadan system?? idk we dont really have a solid name figured out but that works i think. our system really isnt that large, theres probably maybe less than 20 of us? though, youre probably just gonna see the madcom guys show up on the blog as the others dont really care for social media. we use quiogenic as our label as we dont exactly feel we fit traumagenic or endogenic. were bodily 18, but all our ages are different of course! boundaries depends on whoevers fronting

now, onto individual intros!

hi, im deimos, the one making this post! im the host and probably the main person to use the blog. my boundaries are mostly just dont act sexual around me when im age regressed (swearing is fine cause i grew up with swearing in my household) and please do not talk about my death/make purgatory jokes. it makes me very upset when i see anything relating to it. im an age slider and age regressor who slides/regresses between 4-18, but i usually stay between 15-18! i use he/they/clown/it pronouns and identify as a trans male, though i do use genderfluid as well to explain the way i present. im on the aro-ace spectrum, not sure what exactly, just know i dont experience romantic attraction the same way as others and sexual attraction is very limited, as well as pan n polyamorous! i use UG subs and am the main reality shifter here as the others dont front that often (though were working on that). ill sign off with 🚬 on posts!

the next person you may see often is hank! hes a trauma holder of ours, so please be gentle with him. his boundaries are just basically ask before any physical affection and dont flirt with them platonically or romantically as it makes them uncomfortable since hes taken. hank seems really cold and aggressive, but thats just his natural state! theyre about 39 (old ass man /lhj). he uses he/they pronouns and identifies as nonbinary. theyre on the aromantic spectrum as well as unlabeled n polyamorous. he is taken by doc and tricky. hanks mostly just here for giving advice as thats the thing theyre best at. theyll sign off with 🔪 on posts!

the last main person youll probably see is tricky! trickys a persecutor and can get a little aggressive, but it doesnt mean to! their boundaries are just no romantic flirting. honk tries to be very nice to people and loves making new friends! honks 69 but doesnt act like it. he uses it/honk/they/he pronouns and identifies as nonbinary! theyre bisexual and polyamorous! honks taken by hank and the auditor. it types in all caps as well as uses clown in place of me and i! sometimes it may shorten words like you to u and abbreviate things when possible. trickys here for moodboard/aesthetic related requests/posts! they love making those types of things. itll sign off with 🤡 on posts!

the other people that may potentially pop up are doc and dr. hofnarr, but theyre either antisocial or shy around strangers

tag list (will add as we use more/think of more)

deimos rambles - deimos rambling posts, talking bout whatever comes to his mind

nevadan system - posts about our system, updates on it, talking about new members, etc.

ug subliminal / ug subliminals - posts about ug subliminals, could be a ug sub of ours, one we think is cool, or posts talking about them!

mood boards - mood boards weve created or ones we think are cool!

#intro post #quiogenic system #reality shifting #ug subliminals #ug subliminal #system #endo safe #reality shifter #surfies dni

[perenlop]

2, 4, 23, 27 and 50 for the oc asks!!

already answered 4!

2. Do you have a personal favourite among your OCs?

it changes with the week really but rn its predictably castor LMAO. i think abt him a lot

23. Introduce OC that has changed from your first idea concerning what the character would be like?

first one to come to mind is bates! how she changed is kinda spoilery so ill be vague, she was originally just gonna be comic relief and not important to the prequel at all, just a side character. she's basically crucial to the backstory of the prequel now and is castor's best friend initially (i havent posted art of them yet but!! its been sketched but it got deleted bc it was on a different program but i care abt em so expect em at some point lmao) she's still got a goofy concept in being a merchant that only sells trash but gets just as violent as kecleon if you steal it, but other than that... damn girl

(valerie also sorta counts for this ig but she hasnt really changed at all in terms of Her Deal and personality. its just that she was a side character instead of a main one. she only lasted as a side character for like a day)

27. Any OCs that were inspired by a certain song?

idk if it counts but goodbye to a world and sad machine by porter robinson inspired me to actually do something with starfall (idea has existed since middle school). so u could say asha and skylar technically hehe. otherwise tho idk ive never heard a song and made an entire character around it. sometimes itll influence what they do or inspire me to tweak their arc tho

50. Give me the good ol’ OC talk here. Talk about anything you want

WAH ok ok so like. once the semester is done (bc holy shit i have way too much to do rn) i may just say fuck it and start writing starfall. im really bad at the outline stage so im thinking if i just write a first draft immediately, then weigh it and do a ton of rewriting and reformatting itll just inspire me to write more and just get it done. im feeling so bad for not posting bc i wanna talk abt these guys in more detail sjdklfjsdf

if not that then im absolutely starting @bugsofpetalroot. that one is very low stakes and will mostly be decided by ask prompts i think, its very laid back slice of life besides the few story arcs i have in mind (which will wait bc i want yall to know the characters first and the first one is pretty heavy) i wanted to do it earlier but i just have wayyy too much going on and i wanna spend my free time on quick stuff like mlp designs.

i also have a pokemon soul silver nuzlocke story i really wanna do!! the run itself is done i just gotta outline and make it fit as an adaptation (tons of characters gotta get cut bc i used a rotation team oof.) hopefully that wont be as difficult tho bc its based on a pre existing setting and stuff. most of the characters are figured out. no idea when its happening tho i have pmd oc brainrot

#nuzlocke will be a pmd setting btw! ik predictable of me but ive always wanted to do one #and finding your roots (comic) is inspiring me to actually do it since it was recieved so well #i was afraid to bc another comic tried and ppl got really rude abt it #mail #moonscape

[rigelmejo]

Updates??? Maybe?? July 2, 2022

My Japanese is like the last post more or less. I tried watching Sailor Moon in Japanese. Since I wanted to try more stuff in only Japanese, no English to help me out. I could follow the overall main idea, some real simple slice of life lines, and sailor moon is thankfully so visual in its storytelling its really easy to follow even if you barely know the words. I've been watching Ranma 1/2 in only Japanese too, but Ranma I already know the plot and characters. I'd say my Japanese level is like... almost where my chinese was 8 months into studying? Ahich for me was like: can start following the Overall Main Idea of shows without subs but most details are a massive struggle unless I look up stuff (but ill pick it up eventually probably), can follow manga without looking stuff up but again it's mainly overall main idea only and details are hard (but i can get some details with word lookup), can start baby step wading into reading actual novels but aside from a line here and there and maybe a vague overall idea of some paragraph main ideas I really need a dictionary lookup to figure out the overall main idea For Sure (and even with word lookup the details are still a struggle).

Audio is perhaps the odd one out... I have been listening to Final Fantasy X in Japanese, and since I have prior context from playing in English and knowing the plot/characters, nearly constantly I know what lines I'm listening to even when I don't know the words and I'm not getting visuals (only listening to audio). I'm honestly surprised I follow the audio of ffx as well as I do. I think particularly for me Listening Reading Method with Japanese text and audio would probably help me a TON... but i don't have the focus or time. If I do ever try an L R Experiment with Japanese I'll let you know. With playing Ryu ga Gotoku Ishin, I also found myself mainly relying on audio when I heard it (over Japanese subs) just because I can listen easier than I can read fast when it comes to Japanese. My audio listening skills are more like where chinese was after 1.5-2 years. So I would say my decision to focus on listening in study a lot with Japanese was a good decision for listening skills.

I am definitely mostly doing a hands off approach with Japanese study these past few months and for the near future - listening to glossika Japanese is the only "structured" study I'm doing and to be honest I consider it comprehensible input repeated exposure rather than the more intensive kind of study grinding. All my other "study" is just: play a game in Japanese, watch something in Japanese, listening to something in Japanese. I've been occasionally reading in Japanese, and during that I do some word lookup which is about the most studying I'm doing (but it's really not much more than maybe 20 words I've looked up this past june).

I am very much trying the approach of "extensive exposure of somewhat comprehensible material (but like only main idea comprehended) and maybe your level will improve". Like the article on Reddit I mentioned of the person who watched 1000 hours of Japanese and got their listening from N5 to N2. I don't know if my results would be as drastic - especially given I'm not clocking 1000 hours for a long while lol - but I'm also a higher starting level than thar person. I could already play video games in japanese that I'd played in English before, I could already read manga for the main idea, so my initial Japanese before attempting to keep learning just by "exposure" was probably higher than that person's. Also, again... I just do not study often so I'm not going to get nearly that amount of hours.

Eventually? I'd like to do the following things with Japanese. Maybe I will get to come back and check off what I've done!

Play Kingdom Hearts 2 entirely in japanese

Play Final Fantasy 6 in Japanese (I own it now!!)

Play Nier Automata in Japanese

Play Yakuza Ishin in japanese

Play any of my old games in japanese (Mario world is probably gonna be easy but it'd still be a lil accomplisment!)

Finish one of the lets plays I'm watching in Japanese (there's a new channel I really like, but I'd also love to find an LP of Devil Summoner Raidou)

Finish Koisenu Futari novel in japanese

Finish reading Any manga volume in Japanese (it would be a cool little accomplishment! And I'm surprised I haven't fucking done this yet...)

Finish reading any novel in Japanese (gonna be funny as hell to me if it's Parasite Eve the first Japanese novel I bought, or Guardian japanese translation which I've already read 2 chapters of)

Do listening reading method Mejo Light Edition. Which would be listening to a Japanese audio drama episode of mdzs or the audio cd for Nier Replicant and just watch with eng subs then again with Japanese subs. Should be easy and only take 2 hours but I just cannot focus ToT

Do listening reading method with Alice in Wonderland (I've already done 1.5 chapters but then I can't focus)

Finish listening to Final Fantasy X condensed audio since apparently it's easy, and it's fun to hear the differences in what they say

Watch a show season in japanese

Whenever I can focus on textbooks, I have two books for learning to read Japanese. I really want to cram ans JUST READ THROUGH THEM. I feel like my reading skills would get SUCH a technical boost, my Kanji pronunciations would improve, and my grammar would get a nice refresher and reinforcing. I think it would push me up significantly in my reading level, and overall japanese level, if I'd just sit down and focus. (But knowing me I may not end up reading these textbooks until I've already read a whole japanese novel).

So yeah. We will see how my japanese does.

In other updates!!! Chinese!!

My reading level in chinese? Quite decent. I'm lazy. That's what it all amounts to. ToT I am officially at a perfectly fine reading level to start just CHUGGING through a lot of the physical novels I own and digital webnovel pages I have opened in my tabs. Chapters take me 20-30 min (4000 characters) which to be honest is probably roughly my English reading speed when I'm sinking in. So it's all just a matter of time at this point, making time to read. I have no more excuses to put off reading these novels except lack of time. I could definitely read Saye now, Guardian now, dmbj now. I honestly predict somehow I'm going to read my can ci pin chinese volumes before I actually read the translation. That's the state I'm in.

I've also been reading manhua, and again it's just TIME in my way. To be fair, time is also holding me back on reading all the novels I'm mid reading in English. Generally just readings been hard. Partly why Japanese gets so much focus lately is I CAN game right now and the yakuza games are having me listen to Japanese nonstop, remind me to listen to other Japanese stuff I've been going through. So yeah.

Chinese reading level? I'm really happy with it right now! It's not perfect but it reminds me of being maybe 9-10. I was an "advanced reader." It reminds me of being like 10 and picking up a huge James Michener novel or Stephen King novel - i could follow the plot fine and appreciate some nuance but definitely wasn't catching All nuance and some really cool literary stuff was going over my head and some details were foggy because I didn't have the vocabulary to grasp them clearly but had a good guess of the rough idea. That's where I'm at when I read stuff "at the level i aim for" which I guess is like 95% comprehension level as far as words per page I know. Guardian and dmbj are about that reading level.

That decent reading level ALSO means I'm probably at the point now where extensive exposure to audiobooks may reap improvements in listening and overall chinese. But I'm just... so lazy. And the instant loss of some comprehension versus my reading level is always a hit to enjoyablility. But I do think now or soon, more extensive listening should be done because I could make genuine improvement JUST doing that. I was watching Hikaru No Go cdrama no subs and I can follow it really well, so I am definitely using chinese subs as a crutch to a degree.

If my japanese level, which is maybe upper beginner or lower intermediate, is good enough to learn from doing extensively for the most part? Then my chinese DEFINITELY is and I'm just lazy when it comes to that challenge lol. Where japanese is more of a mental drain and challenge TO focus and try to learn new things through exposure, my chinese levels okay enough I'm pretty much guaranteed to always follow the main idea and half the details fine. So it's a lot less challenging to just figure out a few new details/words each time I do it. But again... that laziness lol

For chinese sometime soon I'd like to:

Finish reading my poyun manhua volume at home

Rewatch hikaru no go chinese drama adaptation no subs

READ GUARDIAN PLEASE TOT

finish the pingxie fic I'm 1/3 through rereading

Listen to and finish listening to one of the dang audiobooks I'm listening to

Finish reading any of my manhua volumes at home

Read the new dmbj village novel when I get it in mail

Finish reading a volume of ANY chinese novel.

#rant #june #june progress #july progress #july #progress #study plan #july study plan

[irregulardiaryposts]

20:40 07/03/2024

okay wow well its been well over two years since i updated this 'diary' blog lol

so weird seeing all those old posts about being a teenager with existential thoughts lol i dont really think like that anymore, at least not so much. i guess an update is in order then lmao okay so im in my 3rd year of uni now and im doing my year abroad! doing it in a small city in spain and i really quite like my job, ive only got 14hrs, i have a 3 day weekend, the city is small so i can walk everywhere and this job really gives me a sense of purpose that ive been missing in my life. makes me really realise that university is NOT for me lmfao i was so depressed during my second year i probs went to like 20% of my classes loool. im pretty sure i mightve almost failed aswell but since the professors were doing a marking boycott they released grades without marking the final exam and so since i was already doing well enough in all my classes i passed! quite lucky i think cos i wouldve been so entirely embarrassed and ashamed if i had to repeat a year cos of mental health. i think things are better here tho my issues havent disappeard completely like eg i have these evening classes 6-7.40pm tuesdays and thursdays and for the past like month i havent attended :/ at first it was cos i was sick (i think it was covid lol either from glasgow or on the plane back idk) and then i just didnt go back to class. i think my main excuse is that that is dinner time for me and i dont wanna move dinner time lol. but also i think the class itself is just not for me i dont feel like i learn a whoooole lot while im there and learning on apps is easier for me? but i always felt better for going to the classes cos i was like ha! im not depressed would a depressed person do this!? but of course depression doesnt work like that and i think i need medicated ! but that seems too scary to say. but at least i found someone to do a language exchange with! ive only had one hour with her in spanish, which was yesterday, but i already feel like ive improved lmaooo like i literally dreamt last night in a mix of spanish and english ahahahah cos when i think about it i literally have not ever regularly spoken spanish, ive only really spoken for activies in class or speaking exams so no wonder i have 0000 confidence in my speaking abilities but im hopeful that this will really improve my speaking :) about my job i guess- i work in a high school and i really enjoy interacting with the kids they really do make every day different and more interesting so i am grateful for them but sometimes damnnn sometimes i wanna jump out the window especially with this third year class they are the class KNOWN for being a bitof a pain lol and sometimes i have to lead the class by myself lmaooo mid u ik im 20 but i dont look it and they certainly dont treat me like an adult or a teacher and ngl they are a bit disrespectful at times but also what are u gonna do they are 14 and i have no proper teaching experience to help them by myself i can only hope that im actuallt helping them learn english lol. it is quite difficult tho with my scottish accent to try and sound as clear as possible because i pronounce almost 100% of the vowel sounds differently than rp english which is what i think they are used to so i have to realllyyyy annunciate all my words and man is it tiring lol.

what else. im going to madrid this weekend with bestie and im really looking forward to having a relaxing and fun time but i still havent packed my bags looooooool i alwyas do this tho and its fine not a big deal at all but i def need to do it tonight cos im leaving tomorrow immediately after work so ill have to have an actual breakfast and take snacks with me. im really enjoying my time in spain or at least im trying to but i feel like i have pushed myself enough out my comfort zone to be able to look back on this and say yeah i really took advantage of that. like i think i need to be more personable (is that a word yes it is i used it right) in teaching and be more interactive with them and stuff also i feel like i shoulve arranged a language exchange sooner cos i think this will really help, and i need to interact more with the other assistant but the thing is is im just not a sociable personnnnnnn aghgh. any way cutting this short cos i need to pack my bags for my trupppppp

#not using the tagging system i did on other posts i dont think theyre ever likely to be useful lmao

[chlodyssey]

sorry, been quiet on here lately but I wont let this get like my other projects and just abandon it as soon as i start.

A few things have happened since i last posted: My partners moved to germany for their year abroad, ive missed a fair bit of uni, and ive got my first trans related medication!

I miss my partner so much. I knew i was gonna, but its so much worse than i thought itd be? we text loads and call as much as we can but....just having them around? just having their presence nearby - not even talking just existing together? i miss that so much more than i can express. and thoughts or fears or ideas that i could just throw out to them, its so much harder to do when we're not just lieing there together.

My first trans medication as well!! Its begins with a v and i cant remember exactly what its called....but it supposedly slows/ stops facial hair growth! Which is really nice because thats my main dysphoria pain atm - as well as physical pain cos i have to shave like, everyday to not have stubble, but my skin is decidedly not a fan of that. I also got some more makeup today with the money i saved last month, so gonna try and experiment more with that as well!!

Am feeling really positive gender/ transition wise atm, except for coming out to people. Im okay with work, im sure the people with be nice and i can deal with the public when they crop up, but its just the faff + finding the best way to do it. And parents are parents - i really dont know how theyll react, it feels like it just depends on the day. The main one atm if the clubs i go to, cos although they call me Chloe, none of them know my deadname and i wear a padded bra they still he/him me? which i understand cos i cant wear makeup while combat training - but it really does suck cos i love what im doing atm?

Am thinking of sending a message to the person who runs the local ludosports telling them "hey, could you refer to me like this" and asking when might be the best time to say so at the club - but its just building up the courage to.

sorry for quite a long post, i do promise ill update you properly from now on.

chlo

ps. i got a letter from a friend today and they called me a "beautiful woman" and...i just teared up - there are times i wonder when im trans, but then someonell do something like and itll be like the sun emerging from clouds you didnt know where there :)

#trans #diary #update

[mentally-ill-and-nd-culture-is]

(first of all, im so sorry for using this blog as a place to post this kind of thing. on my main blog, posts like these wouldnt get much attention. this blog, however, has over 2,000 followers and a lot more people who are willing to give input! so, i use this blog for this kind of thing as well. if you dont want to see this content, ill be tagging all posts similar to this as "not culture" in future. i know this is not the kind of blog you'd expect to see content like this, and im sorry, but it's the only place i can think of to ask with a fairly good idea that someone might respond.)

okay so i had this idea to write down a list of what i think might be my "autistic symptoms". im writing this down both to help myself and to ask the people who see this if it seems possible that autism might be worth looking into and talking to a professional about.

obviously im not asking anyone on here to diagnose me, or tell me i do have it. but i am asking autistics to provide input, if theyre willing, to give an indicator on whether it seems like something worth looking into for me, if they relate etc. thank you! the info and symptoms will be under the cut.

its going to be very very long so i'll be impressed if anyone actually reads it haha

first of all, i also do suspect that i have adhd, so keep that in mind as you look through this that some of these might just be adhd symptoms.

1. i have always found it very hard to make friends, and have a skewed idea of what a friend is. for me, introducing myself to people and talking to them feels like a huge task. all my current friends have been introduced to my by first friend that i met at my school, and barely any of them i made myself. when talking to a person, especially the first few times, i feel immense pressure to form the right facial expressions and laugh at the right things. i often have to pay a lot of attention to smiling at the right times and nodding to show im listening.

as for having a skewed idea of what a friend is, i often have a lot of trouble figuring out what friend means. for example, i sit next to this girl in my art class. we talk sometimes, because we are often told to work together on projects. she's nice, and talking to her isnt wildly unpleasant, although i do feel that pressure to smile, laugh, and nod at the right times even though it doesnt come naturally to me. and she does tend to speak in a way that is difficult for my auditory processing issues, but other than that she's pretty nice. however, i wouldnt consider her a friend because well, my standard of a friend involves a lot more than just talking a few times in one class! however, when i talked about how i dont really have any friends in my classes, she seemed offended and asked "what about me?" as if i was supposed to know we were friends. i mean, she never told me, and we've not talked a huge amount. so it kind of confused me why she considered us friends and expected me to know that even without telling me that was how she saw our relationship!

2. i have "samefoods". i heard of this person describing a phenomonon often experienced by autistics, and they called it samefoods. it basically means eating the same food for sensory or routine purposes over and over and over for a prolonged period of time. my most prevalent example of this would be cheese sandwiches. i ate a cheese sandwich every day for the first eight years that i was in school. every single day, the same sandwich. i didnt get sick of it until somewhere during sixth grade, in which i became utterly repulsed by it and ive refused to touch a cheese sandwich ever since. i think it came from the comfort of it being the exact same thing every time. it was part of my routine, and its sameness comforted my sensory issues. i do this with a lot of foods over time, however none have lasted quite that long.

3. related to the last point, "pickiness in eating". i have always, always, always been labelled as a picky eater. i used to think i really just was picky. however ive come to understand that it might not just be that? its possible its due to routine reasons and sensory issues!

4. just??? not understanding social things??? until VERY recently i did not realise that rolling your eyes did not mean literally rolling your eyes in a circle, it is just looking up and then back down??? thats what NTs call eye rolling?? what??? suddenly it makes so much sense why people call me rude when i look at the ceiling so i dont have to make eye contact. anyway, aside from that, i often struggle to grasp why the hell social norms are what they are, and what the point of them existing is. other people seem to understand the norms almost instinctively. however i dont know they exist until someone tells me explicitly, or i learn by trial and error of me making a social mistake multiple times and them getting angry at me for it.

5. my raads-r scoring seemed. well. very indicative of autism. it was, if i recall correctly, 187 points. it was definitely above 180 points but i dont remember exactly.

6. i always wear a sweater??? i dont know if this is to do with Sensory Stuff but i feel like it might be to do with routine. im always wearing one, even if its super hot out. i constantly am asked "its 40 degrees (celsius) why are you still wearing a sweater??", like all the time, and its unexplainable. im just wearing it and i cant take it off because that feels awful. like im sweating to death but idc

7. masking. so, ive always felt like i have to kind of force myself to have appropriate reactions to things and act normal, as mentioned in #1. however... it doesnt feel as exhausting as it seemed to feel to other ND people. like, its so tiring, and a lot of the time at the end of the day i come home and do nothing because i have no energy just from masking all day! but it seems to be more distressing to other people than it is to me so idk

8. so i heard hyperlexia is a commonly associated autism trait and idk how early i learned to read n shit, but from a pretty young age i was very good at reading and writing etc, dunno if it was hyperlexia or not tho

9. stimming!!! i stim so much. its almost constant. often its kind of swaying from side to side while standing, wiggling my toes, bouncing my foot, etc. my favourite one to do while watching youtube is twist around my earphones cord, make one bit into a circle and push another bit through it.

10. bfrbs i think are also common in autistics or nd people in general. i skin pick, rip off my nails, bite the inside of my cheeks until they bleed, etc. its to the point where people notice and make comments sometimes.

11. sensory issues in general. along with my food issues, i have texture issues too!! and auditory issues. my worst auditory one is when people rub their hands together. it literally feels like someone is grating my ears and it makes me want to rip my ears out or scream. i often stim and get very upset when people rub their hands together around me, which sucks especially in winter when all people are doing is rubbing their hands together to warm up. with texture, theres just certain things ill touch and immedietely feel repulsed by, to the point where im trying to wipe the feeling off on my clothes. another issue i have is dry skin- sometimes, touching my skin to other parts of my skin feels unbearable. right now it feels so awful when i touch my fingers together which is making it hard to type this. sometimes this is a full body experience.

12. however i only have small routines. i mean, i love planning and stuff, it makes me brain happy to follow plans and make schedules etc but (i think its the adhd) i dont often have the patience to follow through with them which can be upsetting and frustrating and sometimes it makes me feel a bit gross

13. i get really upset when changes are made to the plans i already have. when i have a plan for the day, and somebody tells me they can't make it/we have to do something else/cant do certain thing etc it makes me so frustrated and upset to the point of crying. to avoid that i make back up plans for every activity i plan, so that if something goes wrong ill have a backup idea i can still do so that i wont get as upset, since that thing was already pre-planned and part of my day.

14. not sure if this is an autistic trait, but i struggle with following instructions. if someone tells me "clean your room, take out the trash and wash the dishes", it gets very confusing because "which one do i do first?" "how throughly do they want me to clean my room?" "do they want me to take out the trash and then put a new bin bag in or not?" "should i dry the dishes too?" "which dishes need cleaning?" etc. theres so many variables. i need clear instruction to do tasks or i wont be able to do them. furthermore, when i ask my parents for food and they say yes, i often have to ask exactly how much im allowed because if they don't tell me how much im allowed, what do i eat? and theyll often just say "well, just take a reasonable amount! you know what a normal amount is!" and i dont know that, so i just dont eat.

15. echolalia! i think i experience it, at least. i'll repeat phrases ive heard before over and over, or make random noises many times, maybe as stimming?

16. i heard that autistic people often have a weird gait and posture! well, this could be a result of my scoliosis, but my posture is very strange. and as with my gait, my podiatrist let me know i have a weird way of walking as well

17. i love and hate rules. rules are great because it means i know what to do and what not to do, and its even better if the rules are super complete so i understand exactly what's required. rules also suck, though, because they often dont make much sense or feel ridiculous.

18. my emotions feel super intense sometimes, and super muted in other times

19. sometimes, especially recently, ive had trouble discerning when im hungry. its felt like hunger is the same kind of hurt as when im too full, or just a regular stomach ache. i cant tell the difference.

20. i rehearse conversations often, which might be scripting. i constantly think about questions people could ask me (even if its very unlikely/weird) and come up with a good response so that if i am ever in that situation i can answer them. even mundane conversations i script.

21. its difficult to interpret peoples facial expressions- what i think is anger could actually be amusement, etc

22. i experience shutdowns, i think. i have no energy to write about what they feel like so do with that what you will

this is not nearly all of them, but this list is already so long and i doubt people will read to the end so! here we are, im ending it early. um, congrats if you read most/all of this and thank you! i would appreciate any input at all <3

#autism #autistic #asd #asdfghj im so sorry for this!!! #im kind of embarassed about posting this ngl? #im not sure why #theres just sm embarassment i feel when i post stuff asking for help with things i should be able to figure out myself #but this blog has a great autistic community in it and i figured this post would get more attention here #not culture #< make sure to block the not culture tag if you wish not to see this kind of post@ #love yall!

[vynegar]

a few tears of themis fan theories: lilies, Svart, and giann

gonna post some interesting fan theories/speculation i saw on bilibili.

this post may contain spoilers for main story up to ch 5, vyn’s medieval suspense and brewing thoughts SSRs, and info about marius’s family (from his RRG and xmas SSRs, and probably also his personal story).

First, a comment on a video of the card story for Vyn’s RRG card, Brewing Thoughts (I’m translating the card, the most important part for this theory is part four where Vyn talks about his family’s history with the Svart church)

借个楼。整理了一宿线索发现在简遇和pv里被烧掉的那张照片中都出现了百合花，而在危情邀约中出现过教会的圣物就是百合花，所以海奥森幕后的大boss可能是教会。聂秋背叛了NXX，陆景瀚被海奥森捉去当试验品了，可能是因为原宁的病。亚宁可能在斯沃尔特有研究场所，用来研究NXX 和X03A，夏彦卷入的跨过案件可能与斯沃尔特有关。感觉以后四个男主都有刀..

Gonna borrow this post. I was organizing clues and realized that lilies appear with both Jerome and that picture that burned up in the PV, and in Medieval Suspense, lilies were the sacred flower of the church, so the big boss behind Heirson might be the church. Neil betrayed NXX, Giann was taken by Heirson as a test subject, possibly because of his mother’s illness. Crimson Biotech might have a research center in Svart used for researching NXX and X03A, the international case that Luke got involved in might be related to Svart. I feel like there’s angst in all four boys’ futures...

I’m going to try to go through each major point they bring up (part explanation, part opinion).

Jerome was that suspicious research scientist at the start of ch 5, and this post is pointing out that lilies appear to be the company’s logo, based on their lab coats and the design on the building.

An image from this bilibili post (gathering clues up to main story ch 5; warning that the post is very long and image-heavy) shows screenshots of the logo and the photo from the "Ends of the Scale" Trailer/PV (I’ll come back to discuss the photo more later).

In Medieval Suspense, Vyn said that he had actually experienced very similar events to what happened in the murder mystery. In Brewing Thoughts, we learn that , like in the story, his parents’ union was forbidden by the Svart church, his father was unable to cope with his mother’s departure, and the church’s opposition to science and change all contributed to Vyn leaving Svart.

(btw, that bilibili post was made in august 2020 and correctly guessed vyn’s relation to duke haspran)

My gut reaction was doubt towards the idea that the science-hating church might be working with Heirson on biochemical products, but X03A/NXX being used in pursuit of “eternal youth” DOES feel similar to the Duke in Medieval Suspense trying to revive the dead via alchemy rituals; both of them trying to defy the natural world through extreme means. The Duke wouldn’t really be aligned with the church, since the Vatican killed his lover, but it still adds another connection between the sinister research group/s and the story from Medieval Suspense.

Neil is stated in the main story to be suspected of betraying NXX and playing a role in Giann’s abduction.

In Marius’s xmas card, he says that his (and Giann’s) mother had an illness that worsened in the process of carrying/giving birth to Marius. (There may be more details in the personal story, but I haven’t read it yet.). I’m not sure if there’s more “evidence” on the part about Giann but i really like the thought of this motive since it’s so angsty lol.

The BDL entry for Crimson Biotech says “Since the middle of the last century, the Cromwell family has been gradually shifting its business focus abroad and its influence overseas is no less than that of the world's largest multinational group, the Pax Group.“

And the BDL entry for the Kingdom of Svart says “It has a stable political environment, an affluent society, as well as well-developed aviation, telecommunications, and pharmaceutical industry. Most multinational companies have a presence here, making Svart a hub of international trade.”

So yeah, I definitely like this part of the theory that pins Svart as the location for two international incidents; we keep hearing about large, international powers, and Svart is the only other major country that really gets focus, and it hasn’t shown up much yet in the main story. It makes a lot of narrative sense as a way to tie all the boys’ plots together.

Also, back to the photo: that long bilibili post also guesses that the man in the photo is Giann von Hagen.

Left: comparison between the photo and Giann’s silhouette; there’s not much to work with, but it’s certainly possible; the hair in particular is similar.

Right: a formal posture in both the man in the photo and in Vincent, possibly indicating that this is Giann’s servant.

Here’s a slightly larger silhouette of Giann from Marius’s RRG card, and the hairstyle does indeed look similar...

...I’m convinced.

#tears of themis #marius von hagen #vyn richter #luke pearce #artem wing #giann von hagen #lu jinghe #mo yi #xia yan #zuo ran #tot translation