#ive never really felt that 30 is the end of life

[the-eclectic-wonderer]

As promised - here's my final thoughts on The Golden Girls, my way of honouring this show that has kept me such good company in the past few months. Before I begin, I'd like to thank all the people who have liked/reblogged my rants about this series: I've appreciated each and every one of you, and while we might be few, it's been nice knowing I wasn't alone shouting into the void. I hope you had as much fun as I did.

Be advised: this is long and rather messy, but if you're interested, here you go - under the cut!

Let me preface by saying that I knew basically next to nothing about TGG before I started watching, last September. I had seen the couple of very famous posts about it circling around tumblr, which gave me the idea that it was an old but relatively progressive and very good show, and I knew that Betty White, beloved American actress, starred in it - so, in general, I had a favourable disposition, but being both non-American and born in the late 90s I had literally no idea what I might be getting into.

To be honest, I knew I wanted to watch it eventually, but I would have waited even more if not for a certain occurrence - that is, I read the Good Omens book. It is mentioned a couple times in there that Crowley considers TGG one of his favourite sitcoms (there's even a scene in which hell communicates with him via Rose). I was at the time (and still am...) completely obsessed with GO S2, and in need of something to distract myself: I took the bait, expecting it to be a good way to spend some time.

I did not expect to like it this much.

Some stuff you probably already know - it's really very progressive, especially for its time, and it's certainly got an original premise: how many shows do you know in which the main characters are all middle-aged and old women? And, of course, you probably know that it's a funny comedy show. Here's the thing, if you've never watched it: it is way, way funnier than you think. Yes, funnier than that. My God, is this show hilarious. I am, in general, an emotive person when watching stuff, but I've never watched a show that had me laughing so much, so loudly and so consistently during its whole airtime (B99 got close, but nowhere on this level). The writing is (almost always) great, the jokes and gags are delightful, the characters all have amazing chemistry, and the actresses are EXCEPTIONAL. Rue McClanahan, Bea Arthur, Betty White and Estelle Getty deserved all the praise and awards they got for this series, and even more. It's almost miraculous how so much talent - in the cast and crew alike - managed to end up in the right place at the right time like this.

Let's delve into a little more detail, shall we? So - the writing. As I mentioned, the premise is already original in and of itself - a show about four ageing ladies living as roommates in Miami would be groundbreaking even now, let alone in 1985. Not only that: it's a show in which four ageing ladies live as roommates with very full, enjoyable lives, fulfilling hobbies and platonic relationships, romances and sexual relations; it's a show in which four ageing ladies deal with life, death, old age, health problems (especially "feminine" ones: that episode about menopause was scandalous!), family, love, sexuality and a plethora of other subjects, while at the same time embarking on shenanigans and incredible adventures.

I always say that, while the opposite is not always true, great comedy actors are also great dramatic actors, and this is true for the writing as well: the same actresses and writers that make you laugh until you wheeze one second will have you a sobbing mess in the next one. The girls face together a lot of heavy subjects and events (Blanche's relationship with her estranged children, Dorothy's first marriage and divorce, Phil's death, Rose's childhood in the orphanage and the identity of her parents, and so, so much more), which creates the space for some truly moving performances by all actresses. Hell, there's a scene in S7 that lasts less than a couple minutes, in which Rose talks to a dog, that still makes me tearful when I think about it.

Not only that: this show delves into a lot of themes that are still controversial today, and while a few jokes here and there might be outdated by today's standards (although there's much, much less of these than I expected), you can always tell they treated these issues with love, care, and genuine respect for all the people involved. The episode dealing with AIDS has already reached tumblr fame, but just off the top of my head I remember episodes about the life of immigrants, queer identities (both in terms of sexuality and gender identity), artificial insemination, racism, poverty, homelessness, ageism & the treatment of people in nursing homes, assisted suicide (yes, you read that right). Compare this with sitcoms aired years later (I'm looking at you, F.R.I.E.N.D.S. and The Big Bang Theory), and then tell me this isn't a Very Special show.

Above all this, though, TGG is a show about four ageing women who become a family - who sometimes fight, sometimes keep secrets from each other, sometimes get involved in absurd circumstances, often bicker, but always, always, always have each other's backs and take care of each other. That's why, while the series finale was touching (once all the circumstances are taken into account: I wouldn't have forgiven such a hurried romance for Dorothy if not for the very strict constraints the writers had to work within), the actual, real finale to me was the next-to-last episode, Home Again, Rose: Part 1&2. Let me explain why.

There's an episode in S4, E22: Sophia's Choice, which deals with the condition of people in nursing homes, and how so many slip through the cracks of the system and live out their old age in horrible situations, alone and without any support. The three younger girls are understandably shaken by this thought: old age is growing closer for all of them - what if they end up slipping through the cracks too? What if they have to live out their days in solitude and abusive conditions? In the end, Rose (met with enthusiasm by her roommates) finds this solution:

I know, girls: let's make a pact that we'll always take care of each other. That we'll never desert each other, no matter what.

and in Home Again, Rose, Dorothy restates this same promise to Rose's daughter, Kirsten:

Honey, we made a pact a few years ago that if anything happened to any one of us, the other three would take care of her. Sort of an extra insurance policy.

She says this after an entire episode where the theme is that of family by blood vs chosen family: an episode in which the girls are barred from seeing Rose, who has to undergo an operation that might leave her dead or unable to take care of herself alone, because they're not her relatives; an episode in which they spend hours upon hours at the hospital anyway, waiting and hoping, and they are ready - they actually suggest the idea - to put themselves in horrible debt to cover Rose's medical expenses, because while they might not be related, they are family. It's just like Blanche states at the end of the very first episode, S1E1 The Engagement:

I was humming. And humming means I'm feeling good. And then I realized, I was feeling good because of you! You made the difference. You're my family, and you make me happy to be alive.

Do you see? They set the scene for how these characters interact in the very first episode, and then spend 7 seasons showing how true it is, up until the very last second. Sure - the girls argue, they bicker, they hurt each other at times, but you never doubt that they love each other deeply (except in the very, very rare occasions when the writing wasn't up to par - and even then, the doubt is very fleeting and quickly resolved). All of them have both blood relatives and romantic relationships (although not all of those are happy), and yet these other bonds are never portrayed as more important or more significant than what they share with each other. This is the very heart of the show, and it's a heart that beats thunderous and warm throughout all seven seasons of it - it's what makes TGG such a beloved, well-remembered sitcom.

(Since this is tumblr, aka the shipping old people site, and since you've all read my comments in the past few months, let me also spend a couple words on the queer romance reading of Blanche/Dorothy/Rose. For my own enjoyment, and because I needed some old woman yuri in my life, I decided in S1E1 that these three were in an open polycule and watched accordingly; can you blame me? They're always touching, they send each other some quite smitten Looks, they have great romantic chemistry, they're committed to each other, and quite a number of scenes are actually explicitly suggestive in that sense, although it's usually as part of a bigger comedic setup. I like to think that maybe, in a different and kinder world, this series would have ended with the three of them staying together as partners - if only for the fact that such a romance would have had incredible comedic potential. In any case, the point stands: these women love each other, whether there's some romance in there or it's all platonic, and that's the beating core of the show.)

Of course, even the best plots won't work if the characters involved fall flat; luckily, all the characters in TGG are spectacular. They're all very distinct, identifiable personalities without ever becoming stereotypes or growing stale; they have incredible chemistry in a comedic setting, but are so well-rounded that they work perfectly in a more somber setting too.

I've already commented in the past on how great a decision it was to keep Sophia a main character of the show, instead of just a recurring one: her special brand of caustic sarcasm is a crucial part of the dynamic between the main girls, and her one-liners are always iconic. Her bond with Dorothy is so sweet and realistic, and the way she gradually becomes Blanche's and Rose's mom too was delightful to watch. Dorothy herself, of course, is my very first love: the character that left the best impression on me in E1, and the one I resonate with the most. Her stares are iconic, her comebacks are legendary, and her regal poise and steadfast delivery make for a uniquely enjoyable kind of humour that I don't think I'll ever find anywhere else. And this is only her comedic side: her sweet and dramatic moments are equally memorable, and make her a favourite in no time. Rose is a testament to both the genius of the writers and Betty White's one-of-a-kind talent: her gimmicks and traits would have left me bored after a while in any other show, but in this one they just make her endearing. Giving her a heart of gold (on the good side) and an incredibly competitive streak (on the bad side) were clever choices, and they combined with her naivety and absurd anecdotes to make a character that is always, always funny, and always, always lovable. And finally, Blanche - oh, Blanche! I didn't expect to like her this much. I'm guessing this is equal parts due to the amazing character writing and to Rue McClanahan's exceptional ability - it might be because she's wonderfully charming in her usual, confident self, and even more compelling in her rare moments of vulnerability. What I can tell you with certainty is this: at some (early) point while watching I realized that I couldn't get enough of her character, and the feeling never went away, up until the very end.

You really can't help but love them all! The way they interact with each other, they grow with and thanks to each other, they support each other - it all makes for such compelling characters and dynamics that it's impossible not to enjoy. Betty White stated once, during an interview, that these four ladies are nice to visit for a half-hour every week, to see what they're doing, and I agree with the sentiment (although much more than 30 minutes a week would be wonderful!): they feel like real people, with real lives, and you just want to know what they're up to this time and how they're going to power and laugh through it. To misquote what Neil Gaiman once said about Aziraphale and Crowley in Good Omens: you could lock these four in a dark basement for a half hour and you'd have an entertaining show.

There's so much more I'd like to talk about (it's real hyperfixation hour, boys!) - from the amazing work of the costumes department to more character analysis to specific plotlines and themes, I could stay here rambling on for literal hours. However, this post is already long enough - I'll just keep this steam to fuel my creative endeavors.

Just briefly - so, what's next? Technically speaking, there's still The Golden Palace to watch, but I haven't made up my mind about it yet. According to the internet, Bea Arthur left TGG in part because she felt the writing was declining in quality, and I can see why she thought so; although the general level of the show always remained high, I also had my issues with some episodes in S7, and from the few reviews I've read about it it's a decline that's felt in Golden Palace as well. There's also the elephant in the room of Bea Arthur's departure: I think it was once again Betty White who said that Golden Palace felt like a table with a missing leg, without Dorothy there, although I'm sure Don Cheadle and the other actors did their best to compensate for her absence. This being said, I do love Sophia, Blanche and Rose, so I might decide to watch it eventually - although I'll probably opt for something else for a while, now.

If you've gotten this far, thank you so much. Watching this show and sharing my love for it with you all has been a delightful experience, and I'm truly grateful for it. I'll keep interacting with the fandom, of course (I have so many ideas for stories and vignettes!) - and I'll be sure to rewatch an episode here and there anytime I need to wrap myself in laughter and warmth. To you all, to Sophia, to Dorothy, to Rose, to Blanche: Thank you for being a friend!

#im so emotional you all have no idea #i feel like this show has planted some fruitful seeds in my brain that will help me so much as i age #ive never really felt that 30 is the end of life #but tgg has certainly given me a newfound appreciation and hope for what comes after #ive noticed it so much in the past few months. so many of my friends are worried about 30 approaching and stuff #while im honestly so excited to keep living my life and doing stuff and learning new things and and and #and i think it's in a lot of ways thanks to this show #thank you for being a friend indeed #i could go on and on about what i feel i've learned but once again #this is already a divina commedia as we say in italian #so farewell for now #the golden girls

[to6ge]

IV.5 aftermath of the rain ( DENIAL )

woohooo, 4.5 ❗❗

quick recap : you wanted to sleep with your headphones on in the train ride, but Gojo didn’t let that happen.

You managed to successfully sleep, and Gojo also managed to take off your headphones and turned off your music playing on your phone. He was actually worried about you.

It was halfway into the train ride, till you woke up. That nap felt really good, and you enjoyed it a lot. ( most specially because Gojo made you lean onto his shoulder ) It was nearly just the two of you now. Nobody else seemed to be in the train, and it was so calming—peaceful, quiet.

“How long have I been out for?” You asked, with a tired voice. “About 30 years” he said with a grin, hoping hed convince you “No way Satoru, no way” You smiled at him back playfully.

You didnt pull away even when you woke up, your head was still resting ontop of Gojo’s shoulder. The train ride was near to its end.

It was raining really hardly, the atmosphere was so calming and relaxing, you loved this train ride. You could even sleep again if you wanted to. The sound of the rain was so calming to hear, it was dark but the signs in the train lit the train up—everything was so nice.

. — ☆ — .

You reached the nearby beach, it was dark but it was better that way. There were a bunch of stars bundling up together since it had just rained. Yet one of them stands out the most—so extraordinary, that star had shined nothing like the ones who were last adored. You immediately pointed at it to Gojo, with a big smile on your face—one that nobody had ever seen. ( except for gojo )

“Look look, that one is so pretty!” you ranted on and on about stars, and Gojo was just looking at you as if you were some kindergarten kid who was over the moon talking about their interests. ( he found it cute, he js doesnt know that ) “Were you always that into stars? You look childish when you rant about them” he teased

“Childish? Liking things are NOT childish!” you muttered. “I was just teasing, do that more” He teased you even further. “Better than hearing you complain about me,” he wrapped an arm around your shoulder.

Gojo and you sat down comfortably by the beach, watching the waves crash onto the sand, looking at the stars and admiring the whole surrounding. It was so pretty, so very pretty.

You proceeded to video you both, and all that was left to do was just to edit it. It was around 11pm now, the moon shined brighter than ever. Nobody was there, just you and Gojo.

( sorta time skip )

It was around 1.30 am when you came back to your dorm, you layed down on your bed as if youve never gotten sleep throughout your whole entire life.

You watched the moon outside your window as you thought about what you just did this night, it was fun and both you and Gojo shared laughter and joy.

The more you thought about him, the more scenarios you make up. You soon dosed off, a thousand different thoughts of gojo and scenarios of you and gojo ran through your mind before you slipped into sleep.

Your phone lit up the room as it buzzed, receiving a notification from Gojo. “Goodnight, thank you for today y/n. We are so gonna get 100 for this project ❗” —delivered, 2.47am Thursday, 14 september 2023

TAGLIST STATUS : Open

SUMMARY : IN WHICH! You transfered to Tokyo Jujutsu highschool, where your “enemy” goes. ( Friends that loved to tease eachother & get on their nerves ) Even before you transfered, you both had a rivarly ever since you were a kid. This’ll be so bad. Atleast you though so. Then, you both decide to fake date eachother for some reason,, and you didn't think youd even fall for him—but you were wrong.

NOTE : this took me so long to make ughh. :(( I have a chinese test tomorrow!! Didnt study because I was too busy doing this ongm im so gonna fail 💔💔☹️ when i say that kindergarten thingy..HES NOT INTO KINDERGARTEN KIDS OKAY pls dont misunderstand

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#˚ʚ♡ɞ˚gwens4vr #gojo satoru #gojo x reader #jjk drabbles #smau #jjk gojo #jujutsu gojo #jjk fluff #satoru gojo #gojo satoru x reader #jjk satoru #gojou satoru x reader

[toughknit]

really dysfunctional day but enough of this. i forgot i had a social event and didnt know if i should go, i ended up telling myself it would be a good idea to socialize. instinctively wanted to sit beside the person i like the most in the group, coincidentally my back was facing the bar (so i couldn’t stare at bottles for the entire thing). when i saw the alcohol menu on the table i felt a wave of shock. even to this day it’s still so hard not to order anything. i just had water. a few hours later i left the bar with the person beside me and we walked slowly to the metro, talked about vulnerability and our feelings about the rest of the group, our thoughts about feeling like not belonging anywhere because nobody seems to care. they thanked me for being vulnerable, told me that they felt the same way and that it was nice to hear me talk about those things. i don’t know. i feel like my ability to talk about deeper things easily makes me connect to the people who also seek this, i do feel like a light blinking for intellectual and emotional connection/s, i don’t have time for surface-level or just otherwise “comfortable” relationships (i mean i’ve never had any kind of comfortable relationship, but now im shifting in a different position, one of self-control and reciprocity). i’m starting to build the connections and relationships i really want now. comparing this to the rest of my life where everything was fast-paced and so fucking intense is impossible. and the person i talked to tonight is a few years older, like a majority of my friends at this point. i think they’re in their 30s. and as usual older people tell me how impressive and great it is that i have things figured out at my age… i never know what to reply to this! because i don’t view my life as stages according to my age, there’s that traumatizing part i barely remember, then substance abuse, and then healing. i’m always every person ive ever been at every single age because my body brings me back to those ungodly times so often. it is terribly hard being sober and today i feel completely exhausted and damned. i don’t know what to expect next. i don’t want praise for surviving on my own i just want a place to stay you know.

#diary

[craqueluring]

hi i LOVE ur acc and i was wondering if u had any ideas on this cause i cant seem to like. figure it out? in mizumono hannibal's like "do you think you could change me? the way ive changed you," and wills like "i already did." and i was like WOAHSJDGF. but like also how? i get the general feeling that he changed to view himself capable of love and realized he did actually want understanding and acceptance?? but i feel like theres a shift in his mindset based on his actions im not getting?? or rather how will changed him? like what of wills actions led to it? if that makes sense?

OMG hi!! i think this is the first ask ive gotten of someone asking me about what i think of a specific scene in hannibal and i am SO excited about it, so thank you!!!!! and also for saying you love my account, it means so much <3 thank u thank u thank u

okay but YES i have many ideas about this, I'm gonna go back to a couple lines before this, though, and go line by line and explain how i personally interpret this scene and topic!! sorry this is so long i got excited <3

warning: i make a lot of assumptions about hannibal's past which i am not 100% sure about, because the show makes his past very very vague. i am mainly going off just what the show implies and tells us, not the books.

also, there is a TLDR at the end of this!

-

hannibal says, almost exasperatedly, "my freedom, then. you would take that from me. confine me to a prison cell" and then looks at abigail. she looks down, almost guiltily, and i feel like in this moment everyone is remembering how hannibal took /will's/ freedom from him and confined /him/ to a prison cell (using abigail's fake death). and he is acting like it is somehow unfair that will would do the same to him.

but hannibal /is/ right in that he and will took or were going to take each other's freedoms for entirely different reasons. hannibal confined will to a prison cell because he was trying to change will for what he genuinely thought was the better. this is evident by hannibal saying "i have always had huge faith in you, will" and "i think you are more in control now than you have ever been" and the rebirth themed episode directly after will gets out of prison. will's imprisonment was to change him. this change was not only will being more "in control," but more in tune and intimate with his "urges," and generally more intimate and less afraid of the parts of his mind he had been trying to suppress.

after hannibal says "...confine me to a prison cell," and looks back at will, he looks thoughful for a moment. that is when he says "do you believe you could change me, the way i have changed you?" because he is asking will if he believes that he could change hannibal by imprisoning him (which was his "plan" with jack for most of s2b), just as hannibal changed will by imprisoning him. 

will replies with "i already did," the script says after that, "hannibal studies will a moment, realizing he's right." will did not need to imprison hannibal in order to change him. by just making hannibal feel this kind of love, devotion, and trust, he had already changed hannibal drastically. i dont believe hannibal had felt what he felt for will since mischa 30-40 years ago. to really put it in perspective, hannibal had gone through his entire life probably completely alone, letting nobody close to him like he let will be close to him. he never let himself be seen, and never let himself trust enough to experience anything like this (presumably).

will's changing hannibal is also shown physically by the entire scene in mizumono happening at that moment. hannibal massacred everybody in his own house. this is not the way he kills. his kills are not impulsively reactionary or born of emotions as intense and volatile as he was feeling in response to will's betrayal. will himself says hannibal's kills are like "pests he's swatted," born of annoyance at best. this killing and violence resulting from a situation of genuine, deep hurt is entirely new for hannibal. like i said, hannibal had not let himself truly be seen by anyone other than will in a very long time, and he trusted will in a way he didnt even trust bedelia in season 3. when hannibal found out will's betrayal of him, he was heartbroken. heartbreak is not something hannibal is supposed to open himself up to. he is supposed to be in complete control of his emotions and actions. but he wasn't, and he did open himself up to this heartbreak. so, this cocktail of emotions is completely and entirely foreign to hannibal (other than mischa), and he unleashes it all in the mizumono massacre. what hannibal does for will makes him act in ways he does not and has not acted before, generally.

semi-TLDR: so, will changed hannibal because he was the first person hannibal loved and trusted in this very vulnerable way since mischa. because of this, he was the first person capable of betraying hannibal in such a deep-cutting way. will caused hannibal to let himself experience love and trust again. and also heartbreak and betrayal. these volatile emotions are all behind hannibal's mizumono massacre, which is absolutely uncharacteristic of him (at least, up until this point). in this way, will changed hannibal.

as for the consequences of this change in hannibal: hannibal is grappling with this realization/coming to terms/figuring out how to deal with his love of will (and will's betrayal) during mizumono and post-mizumono. he doesn't know what to do with this change in himself. s3a is literally just hannibal trying to figure out how to deal with his uncontrollable obsession with/love of will and what to do with it. and also how to deal with will's consistent rejection of him (mizumono betrayal, the knife in the uffizi gallery, and the digestivo rejection). secondo is where he concludes that the only way he can forgive will for making him feel this way (and for his influence of hannibal to betryal himself) is to eat him, as he did the same to his sister. when they're back at will's house after the brain eating is interrupted, and after the consequent muskrat farm massacre, hannibal is regretting something (either the brain eating, killing abigail, or opening himself up to wills "influence" at all. or all three.), and starts writing theoretical formulas to turn back time in a notebook. after will's final rejection in digestivo, hannibal turns himself in. hannibal is All Over The Place after he starts loving will and lets himself be heartbroken by will: he kills abigail, runs off to europe, tries to kill will and eat his brain, then regrets it and tries to convince will to let it go, and then puts himself in prison after will rejects him. i'm not going to go into the reason for the prison thing because this is already getting too long, lol.

hannibal is known for being able to control his emotions and calculate his actions very carefully. hannibal literally says "you cannot control with respect to whom you fall in love." and bedelia says "what your sister [and now will] made you feel was beyond your conscious ability to control or predict." hannibal is used to being able to control and predict his emotions. the appearance of his uncontrollable and unpredictable love and forgiveness of will is in direct conflict with what hannibal is used to, and this is the change in hannibal that will caused.

full-TLDR: will changed hannibal because he was the first person hannibal felt love and trust for in this very vulnerable way since mischa. because of this, will was also the first person capable of betraying hannibal in such a deep-cutting way. will caused hannibal to let himself experience love and trust again. and also heartbreak and betrayal. these volatile emotions are all behind hannibal's mizumono massacre, which is absolutely uncharacteristic of him (at least, up until this point). after hannibal runs off to europe, he doesn't know what to do with this change in himself. the entirety of s3a is largely hannibal trying to figure this out, and he concludes by putting himself in prison.

-

of course there are many different ways to interpret this very complex scene & topic, so those are just my thoughts (which are admittedly a little shakey still, lol) i hope that kinda answered your question, or you at least got something out of this! :]

#im so nervous about posting this #ive suddenly lost so much confidence in my analysis/thoughts abt hannibal lately idk #but seriously it means a lot that anon liked my thoughts enough to ask me abt something :] so i tried #nbc hannibal #hannibal lecter #hannibal #will graham #pluto analyzes #pluto answers #hannigram #mine #hannibal meta #hannibal analysis #mizumono

[fairyofthehollow]

pls someone tell me how to deal with not being a teenage girl anymore i don’t think i can do it. i always drift between feeling excited and okay that i’m growing up and being utterly terrified / panicked and wanting so badly to be 16 or 12 again that i feel physically sick. and then feeling so horrible about not enjoying my teenage years and wasting them away that i’m about to end up doing the same for my early twenties. i know 20 is young but it also feels so old and like i should have everything figured out already. i know i have my whole life ahead of me but it doesn’t feel that way at all. society viewing women as ancient beings from -2 billion years ago when they hit 30 doesn’t help either. like? do i seriously just have 10 years (or will it be 5?) before people don’t see me as young and free or whatever the hell but then it’s like who caresss what people think agghhhhh. idk idk idk. i look at my mom who’s fifty this year and she’s as bright and active and smart and fun and youthful as ever. she’s going to the gym and she’s gonna start school again. i don’t see her as old, like at all. idk why i have such a hard time with me though. it also doesn’t help that ive never ever experienced any sort of romantic attention / interaction / intimacy :’) & it makes me think ooh boy the clocks really ticking. BUT ITS NOT WHY CANT I UNDERSTAND THAT!!!!!! but time moves so so quickly and it petrifies me into not even wanting to do things bc what if i end up wasting my time? what if i fail? why even try.

like im so excited bc im finally getting to know myself. high school was actual dookie water and i was a shell of a human but now im starting to feel alive again and like the world is actually big and not super tiny. im so excited for the summer bc i plan on trying new hobbies and reading a lot and doing a ton of crafts. i finally found clothes i love and feel comfortable in!! but what if my hobbies and interests end up seeming childish. do i have to retire those things when i get older? i just want to be able to be older and still wear converse and silly graphic tees or wear cute hairstyles and read fantasy novels (EVEN MIDDLE GRADE BOOKS BC THEYRE NOSTALGIC AND THEYRE REALLY GOOD) and idk rewatch phineas and ferb every once in a while if i feel like it without seeming crazy. idk :|

ugh. ive never felt so split in my emotions.

#turning 20 in like 4 days is really freaking me out #LIKE DUDE ILL BE GRADUATING COLLEGE IN THIS DECADE OF MY LIFE #I SHOULD BE EXCITED FOR IT!! #but im not #but also i kind of am? #but no #guys help 🥲 #♡ fairy speaks ♡

[premium-value]

this is not goodbye by Premium Value

i started making vaporwave in 2020 because ive loved vaporwave for a long time and it occurred to me that it seemed easy to get into just for fun. it was an easy creative outlet during the worst of covid, and it kept being satisfying. looking back a lot of the stuff i made early on was crap but it was still fun. in late 2021 i got reached out to for an opportunity to have one of my albums featured on this new digital label along with a release on cassette which id get a cut of. i had to make some adjustments which resulted in it eventually being a double-album feature to make it feel substantial enough, but i was really excited. essentially over the course of the next year and a half barely any progress was made on their end, id get very little communication, and while that was happening they were still releasing other albums from other artists. this sucked big time. i eventually got fed up and told them i was out, to which they responded seemingly in earnest, but it felt hollow and like they were trying to make amends far too late to save face. this year and a half led to me making probably some of my best stuff, but it was also the beginning of the end. i was running out of ideas. it wasnt until this year when i really started losing steam, both running out of ideas and motivation. again the stuff i have made this year is among my favorite releases, but lets be real including this i only released 4 completely original albums, 1 expanded re-release and one triple album re-release with just a handful of new songs. it feels like every new release i really have to strain to come up with stuff, let alone try and put it all in a cohesive album concept. when i started, up until early 2022, i was releasing an album every month. i was throwing everything i could at it, and then with the label deal sitting around and me burning through my ideas i finally slowed down to an album every other month. this year there were more and more gaps as i allowed myself some room to breathe and come up with stuff. and it was around the middle of the year when i finally cut my ties with that group and that label. if youre a part of that label and you see this and you figure out this is about you, just keep it to yourself. no drama, not necessarily any bad blood, it just sucked and im done with that part of my life. im now officially giving up on any official obligation to regularly make vaporwave. it served me as a huge passion while it lasted, and it is still fun to make stuff when it comes out good, but its just so much harder now. so maybe ill make another album next month, or the month after. maybe ill make another album in 3 months. maybe 6. maybe a year. maybe 5 years. maybe never. i dunno, i leave that up to future me. i still love vaporwave and id love to have more ideas. maybe i need to explore more rabbit holes of music to inspire me. maybe i need to explore making original music more. who knows. to sum up, this is not goodbye. it's "ill see you when i see you." so ill see you. love you. 

track list:

feeling - 6:46

Say You Love Me - 4:02

Talk to Me - 2:30

does he know - 6:34

感情 - 5:27

this is not goodbye - 3:26

released december 4th, 2023

all sample credits included on bandcamp page

#vaporwave #plunderphonics #electronic music #Bandcamp

[definitelynotshouting]

HEY KING, ITS BEEN A HOT MINUTE

Been super busy with school (my grades are SUFFERING) plus studying for the ACT, PLUS trying to figure out what i want to do with my life so thats.... fun :)

Logged on to Tumblr to discover the prequel oneshot hungerau thing and ENJOYED IT VERY MUCH! keep at it dude, we're all cheering you on <3

-🐛

Hey bug anon!!! :D

Oh my gosh that sounds like so much on your plate dude 😭😭😭😭 GODSPEED BRAVE SOLDIER I AM ROOTING FOR YOU!!!!!! also im so glad you liked the oneshot!!! I worked really hard on it and i am treasuring every comment 🥰🥰🥰🥰

Also im hoping you dont mind a bit of unsolicited reassurance, but your comment about figuring out your life really vividly reminded me of when i was in high school trying to figure out college and my career and life in general, and just. Couldnt come up with anything. And i still remember how fuckoff scary that felt, so i just wanna reassure you, as someone who is a few years shy of 30 and never even ended up going to college, from the bottom of my heart you do not have to figure things out for yourself yet. I know there is so so much pressure surrounding that concept, but your life and priorities can drastically change as you grow. Sometimes you dont settle into what you want to do until you're far older, and thats okay!!! In fact thats genuinely the norm-- i didnt know i wanted to be a professional editor until about 6 years ago. And in the future i might decide i want to do something else, too, and pursue that instead!!

You never have to settle on One Path for yourself. Things change, people change, and everything is in constant fluid motion. Its okay not to know what you want out of your life-- genuinely, at this point in time youve barely even lived it. Ive barely lived mine-- im only just now hitting a point where i can really think about the longterm and put down lasting roots. Give yourself the space to figure it out organically, and i promise you as someone who has gone through this exact same thing, it will ultimately turn out okay❤️❤️❤️❤️ its a big learning curve, but you arent alone, and there are countless people out there who will be willing to help you as you go along :]

#shouting speaks #asks #hunger au #compliments #and advice i guess fkbsfkndmd #very much hoping this doesnt come across as condescending or anything i just!! i remember what it was like and how scared i was #and how i ultimately decided college wasnt for me and continued staying in the workforce #and well. i am honestly living just fine!!! even though i never went and only figured out what i wanted to do years later #honestly im a big proponent of doing what makes you happy and fulfilled and obviously you do have to balance that with survival #in our current capitalistic society #but i still think its so much healthier to focus on finding what makes you feel good and present instead of what you want to Do in life #because that tends to come much later and far more organically!! basically what i am saying is things will turn out alright #even if they feel really daunting rn #you will be okay!!! things will get tough and then easier as you learn how to deal with them :] #anyway im wishing you the best of luck in your studies and i hope this at least eases a little of the pressure youre carrying off your back #❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ #txt

[alyxdoeswrite]

High times|| John "Soap" MacTavish x reader

Warnings: Illusions to sex, drug use (weed), my horrible knowledge on the military,swearing, not proof read A/N: happy (late) 420!this is the first time ive wrote since like 2019 so sorry if its ass. might write a part 2 to this!

Word count:1.9k

!!GIF is not mine!!

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It was a late night on base, and while everyone was sleeping, you decided tonight was the perfect time to light up. you had just gotten back to base after a particularly difficult mission and decided it would be the best way to relax. after missions 141 would usually head to a local pub and knock back some beers to relax and unwind after working their ass off. you were never really a drinker. you would have a drink here and there but never quite liked getting drunk. you preferred smoking. you were an experienced smoker. In high school, you were the classic stoner, had even sold a little bit back in those days. you knew every trick in the book and used them all now to not get caught. your smoking days didn't end once you joined the military. it was normal for you to sneak out to go smoke real quick. you stuck with joints for easy access and they were easier to sneak but now and then you would smoke out of a piece, most of the time it was your beloved bong. it wasn't often you smoke in your room out of the bong, it was saved for special occasions. tonight was one of those special nights. you had spent all day trying to catch up on all the sleep you had lost on the past mission, only waking up to go get dinner and then coming back to take a nap. 11:30 shined on the alarm clock, one of your only sources of light. the only other source of light was the moon shining in through your open window. you locked your door and put a towel at the bottom to block the smoke and turn on the fan while walking to the chair you pulled up to the window. the quiet cool breeze blowing through, making your room slightly chilly. you sit in your pajamas taking one good look at the moon before you started to pack a bowl. this was the most relaxed you had felt in months, nothing made you quite as happy as smoking on a quiet summer night, it was therapeutic. you grab your lighter and take the first hit, holding it in for a couple of seconds before leaning out the window and exhaling. these were the most relaxing nights. you take a couple more hits before sitting there for a moment peacefully, enjoying this refreshing night. that was until you heard a knock on your door. you quickly panic, throwing your bong in your closet and reaching for the nearest can of air freshener. another knock this time followed by a familiar Scottish accent “You in there lass?” soap asked. you sigh in relief and go to open the door. “you scared the fuck outta me soap, I thought you were someone else.” you chuckled, tucking the towel back under the door after you closed it. “You've been smoking with other people besides me lass? I see how it is” Soap fake pouted while making himself comfortable on your bed. soap was the only other person on base you smoked with. He would sometimes join you in your parking lot smoke seshes. he was also your classic high school stoner but had cut back when he joined the military, but still would partake here and there, you being his main smoke buddy. “I thought you were price for a moment and I swear I saw my life flash before my eyes,” you say, walking to where you threw your bong in a moment of panic. luckily for you, nothing broke or spilled. you grab the piece and put it in your chair to pull another chair up for soap. you finally grab the bong and sit for a moment, letting out another sigh of relief. “price had a little bit too much to drink at the pub tonight, I doubt he’d even be able to walk down here right now without busting his arse” soap chuckled. You chuckled as well, handing soap the bong and your lighter. You watched how the moonlight illuminated his eyes. You’d be lying if you said you didn't have a thing for soap. He was the one who welcomed you the most when you first joined 141 and was probably the one you were the closest with. You’d also be lying if you said you both weren't flirty with each other, especially while you were under the influence. Flirty little remarks and shared glances were usually all it was but there were a couple of shared kisses and even a messy high makeout session that had happened between you two. A part of you hoped tonight would end similarly. You watched Soap as he took a hit, god that man looked heavenly in the moonlight. The way the moon reflected in his eyes was one of the most beautiful things you had ever seen. He was the most beautiful thing you had ever seen. You swore you fell more in love with him at that moment, watching him as he blew the smoke from his lungs out the window and sat back with a sigh. “You got some good stuff, Bonnie, I'm already starting to feel it” he smiled at you, handing you the bong back. “only the best for you handsome,” you said, smirking at him before taking another hit yourself. The bong was passed back and forth a couple more times before you had to pack another bowl. “Wanna do the honors Johnny?” you ask him, handing him the bowl and your grinder. “Don't mind if I do” He took the items out of your hand and set them on your desk to get to work. You watched him as he did his magic, he somehow always managed to pack his bowls better than yours. “your so handsome when you pack my bowls for me Johnny” you flirted. “I think you just like making me do all the work lass” he laughed. “you also got a handsome laugh,” you said to him and he handed you the freshly packed bong back. “you take the first hit Johnny, you're the one who packed it” “well don't mind if I do.” One more bowl later and you guys were stoned out of your minds. “that’s probably the best weed I've smoked in ages y/n, where the hell did you get it” Johnny asked while looking up at you “I usually don't spill all my secrets but your just to damn cute for me to deny you that information” and you told him how you had gotten the chance to stock up on the good stuff last time you hit the dispensary. “you wanna go watch a movie bonnie?” soap had asked, looking at you with puppy dog eyes. “how could I say no to that pretty face of yours” you said as he offered to help you up. after you both had crawled into your bed and got comfy you decided to find something to watch. you clicked through all the streaming services you had but couldn't seem to find a movie y’all had wanted to watch. you dramatically sigh and click out of another streaming service “It's like every funny movie has been wiped off the planet or something.” you sigh, dropping the remote signifying you had given up on the movie search. “I know something else we can do,” Johnny said, and you knew by the smirk he wore on his face he was up to no good. “and what would that be handsome,” you asked and before you knew it he was crawling on top of you. he then embraced you in a kiss, to which you grab his face and return the kiss. you run your hands up to tug on his mohawk as he deepened the kiss. He slowly pushed you down on your bed, now laying on top of you. He sits up momentarily to slowly take his shirt off, teasing you.“I quite like this idea Johnny” You smile at him and give him a peck. “I want to take this further Bonnie,” Johnny says, avoiding your eyes as a light shade of pink dusted his cheeks. “Like what?” you asked playing innocent. “Let me show you?” you could only nod yes as he smiled brightly at you before kissing you again. This time the kiss moved down to your jaw until his mouth made your neck its home, sucking at nipping at your neck. Leaving hickies and kissing them to soothe them after. Your hand found its way back to his hair, slightly tugging at his hair when he would nip at your neck, causing you to let out a small moan. One of his hands found its way to your stomach, slipping under your shirt and roaming your torso. The other one stayed on your jaw, pulling you further into the kiss. You were so into the moment that you almost didn’t hear the knock at your door. You and Soap both shoot up and stare at the door before another knock rings through the door, “y/n don't make break the door down” a slightly aggravated ghost said through the door. You curse at yourself quietly “Just a minute” you yell towards the door, grabbing your stuff and throwing it in the closet. As you turn around you see another thing you have to hide, Soap. You bring a finger to your mouth signaling to him to stay quiet before you grab him and shove him in your closet and close the door behind him. You collect yourself for a second before opening the door. Ghost stood there wearing sweats and a T-shirt that showed off his muscles perfectly. “Sorry, I was naked,” you say, instantly regretting the excuse you made. “Price sent me to investigate a suspicious smell coming from your room.” Ghost said. Slightly pushing you aside to go into your room. You sit in the doorway watching Ghost search through your room, making sure to check every nook and cranny. You prayed to whatever holy thing you could as Ghost made his way to the closet. You don't know what would be worse, him finding the weed or one of his sergeants shirtless in your closet. You hoped the half-naked scot would distract your lieutenant from the weed. Ghost arrives in front of the closet, staring at it for a second before looking at you as he opened the door. He looks over to realize he is face to face with soap. You just sat there mortified. “Smoking and fucking other teammates y/n? You’re fucking asking to get in trouble.” You cant reply as you just stare at your lieutenant. “Price wants you in his office first thing tomorrow morning, and for you,” he said looking at the soap, “get your clothes back on and get to your room,” he said to soap. Soap quickly grabbed his shirt and scurried out of your room, not wanting to do anything to aggravate ghost anymore. “I'll let you keep your stuff, but you gotta let me join in” you hear ghost say from behind you. You turn around again and instantly take him up on his offer. “Just don't be so sloppy next time y/n, if you're gonna break the rules don't do it all at once.’ He patted your shoulder before squeezing by you to walk back to his room, leaving you to stand in your doorway still slightly in shock.

#soap x reader #john soap mactavish x reader #soap mactavish #soap #call of duty #call of duty x reader #mw2 soap #mw2 x reader #soap x you

[scaredgirlsilly]

sad rant about an album i really like below the cut

butterflies drink turtle tears by human people is a deeply sad album, or it is to me at least. multiple songs have repeating choruses that amount to "please kill me", the whole album is kinda just a girl wailing about how all she does is get high and wish she was dead, even the instrumental parts of the songs drive home this feeling of just. feeling like absolute shit. its the type of sadness that makes you wail at 3 am that everything is awful and will never get better and it would just be great if a plane crashed into your house, but then you fall asleep and carry on to do the same thing and not change anything.

there is a reason why i like this album so much

this album has been with me through truly my lowest points in my life. i have played this album from the moment i woke up some days, desperately hoping that everything would just. stop. that being a functional person and just life in general is just too hard, and it would be better for everyone involved if i just died.

this album does not end with a happy message about how these feelings are wrong. it doesnt say anything about these feelings. it doesnt have a hopeful message at the end about how life gets better. it just lets them out. like bloodletting. just throwing these awful feelings into the void. maybe someone will connect with these feelings, the album seems to say, but it doesnt really matter cause i still feel like shit. it is an album that explores these feelings of depression and isolation from someone who has not figured it out. that connected with me (i wonder why)

just today i went to go look for the lyrics so i could sing along. i just looked up the album title and nothing else cause ive always read it as nonsense. just a jumble of words to go along with an album that is just a jumble of feelings. its kinda charming honestly.

then i saw this

and i immediately started crying

butterflies literally do drink turtle tears

im not sure why it hit me so much, but the idea that the name isnt just random words really affected me

i immediately told my dad, then my friend, then changed my discord status, and now im making this post

it feels... odd. almost out of place with what i imagined this album was as a piece of art. so many things clicked into place, or at least it felt like it. thinking about it now still makes me tear up

just. the idea that this album, pretty much 30 minutes of uninterrupted suicidal ideation and depression and isolation, an album that i have listened to on some of the worst days of my entire life, an album i relate to a scary amount. the idea that its named something so... hopeful. almost to say,

"we are here for you. people are here for you. you are not alone. if even a turtle has someone to wipe their tears away, then so do you.

and if you dont, let this album be that for you. let this be the butterflies that drink your tears when no one else will"

it really made me think about the album in a totally different light. go listen to it. its really good

#look at my posts boy #idk its just been on my mind all day

[emptifylie]

i have some bad news. binged yesterday at 128lbs. i passed out and woke up with the extreme fear that my long fast was about to kill me lol. sounds super irrational but i had never felt so sick in my life, and also was not sober so... you connect the dots. but yeah i binged. proabably around 1,300calories. which is genuinely the biggest slipup ive had in a long long time. i burned 360 calories tho at the gym and 400 calories walking today. so that 760 total burned. i ended up eating today. HOLY FUCK HOLY FUCK HOLY FUCK. I JUST CHECKED HOW MANY CALAORIES ARE IN THE BURRITO BOWL MY MOM GOT ME. HOLY FUCK HOLY FUCK HOLY FUCK. I DID NOT BELIEVE IT COULD BE ANYTHING OVER 400 CALORIES. 1,200 calories. 1200. 1200 fucking calories. holy fuck. thats what i ate today. i feel sick. oh my god. i could have never imagined it would be so much. i dont know what the fuck im gonna do. okay. okay im gonna calm down. i guess the plan is, tomorrow ill fast and go to the gym for about 30 min after work. and then i wont eat thursday-sunday as well. okay. thatll work. i feel sick. im gonna drink a shit ton of water and hope that this doesnt make me gain weight but i feel like im back where i started. i feel fat again lol. i really thought i ate less calories than what i burned today. i guess a word of advice for everyone: even if you think you know the calories of something, or if you think it cant be that much, just check.

anyways, im gonna go cry and think of a plan on how to get on track to being 125lbs by the end of this week.

god my day was bad enough without this.

#ana trigger #ed bllog #eating diary #only pro for tags #tw ed diet #disorderd eating #ed vent #tw edd #meanspø #tw ed sheeran #4n4m1a #4n0rexic #4namia #4na thoughts #4norexi4 #4n4rexia #4narex1a #4na vent #not pr0 4na #4na fast #ed diet #disorder eating #disordered eating mention #disordered eating thoughts #ed di3t #ed disorder #ed not ed sheeran #ed not sheeren #tw disordered eating #tw eating issues

[for3v3r-st0n3d]

I get so sad about wasting all my 20s on my addiction. I went to rehab at 30 and relapsed at 32. So behind on life compared to my peers. Shit makes me sad yo but I can’t quit. I keep myself stuck. I’m in that really shitty can’t get high anymore phase, only sick and maintenance unless I move to crazy doses or IV. I’m on the other side of the world from you, in the UK but sometimes I come check on the OGs. Can’t afford to go back to rehab, don’t want to go to charity funded detox because there’s more drugs there than I have available where I’m at.

Sometimes I wish I hadn’t ever felt the warm and soothing caress of opiates. Cause I would still be miserable but without that sad addict longing, you can’t miss what you never felt.

I’ve followed you since the real OG nod squad days. If I had known where I was gonna be then I would of quit that shit while I was ahead.

Shoutout to the-lowz-of-highz for boosting your new page.

Keep well girl.

This is so painfully relatable.

I feel for you. 💯

Stat strong & keep fighting. It's a hard fckn life but there's always a light at the end of the tunnel. It's there, even if you can't see it yet, and believe me when I say when you get there it makes all the struggles, pain, and suffering you've had to endure through ylur journey so, so worth it.

#questions #for3v3r st0n3d #forev3r-st0ned

[khodorkovskaya]

14.07.23

watched my mum's homevideos yesterday and omg

maybe my grandparents did love each other, despite what my grandma claims..? bc every day she's like "thank god i don't have a man" or "my retirement wouldve been miserable if he was still alive". but they looked so happy in those videos! idk i feel like everyone's been super unfair to my grandpa bc he was ill by the end of his life and it was literally not his fault he went crazy like he had a medical problem. yes, okay, he did try to kill my grandma and my auntie with an axe, but it's sad that it's the only thing he's remembered for! and i don't think he was an alcoholic like my grandma claims. on all videos they took shots together and my mum said that he never drank in the house. i think he was just depressed and homesick and no one loved him and that's why he was miserable by the end of his life. i would've definitely vibed with him, i know it!

but yeah the videos were mostly of lviv. and they made me homesick even tho ive never been to lviv. but seeing my greatgrandma and all of those distant relatives ive never met made me feel this kind of longing for a time ive never experienced. everyone was always smiling and laughing and they all looked so happy. and beautiful. and i love how back in the day women wore those little babushka headscarves, i want to start wearing one too.

it's a shame that there is no audio bc there are many videos of my greatgrandmother singing and my mum said that ukrainian singing is the most beautiful thing in the world. and i would've loved to hear it. it's sad to imagine that so many folk songs and traditions have probably been lost.

there was also a video of my other greatgrandma's funeral. she was married off to a man 10+ years her senior and had 10 children. she was illiterate. and she died at 68. i wonder what she was like.

and on the video you see all of her children. and now the only one left is my grandma, the rest have passed away long ago. both her sons went to jail, one of them commited suicide and the other killed his wife. the son of the one who killed his wife is on the videos too, there's a video of his wedding. he worked with khodorkovsky and fled to lithuania after the whole yukos case thing. he's in his 70s now.

another woman from the videos i would've loved to meet was auntie nadia. she looked so wonderful! my own auntie went to visit lviv for the first time in like 30 years in 2013. and she saw auntie nadia and she was like 76 and had trouble walking. i hope she's still alive. she looked so wonderful! she couldn't have children of her own, so she took care of all the neighbourhood kids and everyone loved her, she was so lovely.

but yeah, time is weird. it's even weird to think that my greatgrandmother had a name, you know? idk how to explain it, but we're so used to our ancestors just being our ancestors that it's weird to imagine that they had all these whole lives of their own with their own friends and ups and downs and memories and dreams. like my greatgrandmother was called pani yankevichova (no idea how that would be spelled in polish sorry) or anastasia grigorievna or maybe she even had a nickname, who knows. and my other greatgrandmother was called arina but apparently that wasn't russian enough so her passport name was irina. and her husband called her arisha. i wonder how she felt constantly being pregnant and living in poverty...

even my own grandma, i dont really know know her. like yes, she's my grandmother and we used to be very close before she got really old and started having memory issues. i used to call her every day when id come home from school, we would skype for hours, she was my best friend. but seeing her on those videos of when she was in her 30s is like wow who is that? and seeing all of them hanging out in lviv and singing and dancing and hugging each other and drinking together and omg there were some clips of them eating what i think is pierogi/pelmeni/vareniki..? everything is in black and white but yummmm. my mum always told me that her lviv grandma's food was delish. but yeah, i would've loved to time travel to meet all of them. </3

#july

[pandoraslxna]

sorry for bothering you, don’t feel pressured to answer

sooo Ive had this problem for like years now, I can’t seem to loose weight, like it doesn’t matter what I try and do it’s never worked for me

I’m currently 19 years old and wayyy too heavy for my age :( I feel like crap most of the time, can’t wear what I like and my love life is well like a 0

I’ve always wanted to loose weight, don’t get me wrong I don’t want to look like a model but at least like a normal teenager

I wanna be able to wear shorts and crop tops and bikinis without feeling ashamed 24/7 ;(

so my question- do you have any tips? similar experience? 🤎

Oh pookie I know exactly how you feel. I’ve always been tall and big and felt extremely uncomfortable in my body because well unfortunately the beauty standard is small and thin (at least where i live)… :(

I tried sooo many different diets but none of them really worked for me. I once managed to loose like 10kg in a couple of months but I’m kinda stuck since then, like i can’t loose any more weight no matter what I do. The only tips i can give you is make sure you do cardio every other day for at least 30-60 min, stop drinking sweet drinks and drink loooots of water everyday (make sure it’s 2-3 liters every day, it surprisingly helped me a lot with loosing my very first pounds), it’s okay to eat snacks/sweets/carbs- just don’t overdo it. Don’t try out diets, most of the time they won’t work or they will just end up making you gain more weight than you lost as soon as you end the diet. You should just learn how to eat healthier in general without having to give up on anything. Giving up on sweets, snacks or other stuff that you normally enjoy will just make you loose motivation to keep going.

I hope that‘ll help you a little, but pls don’t feel ashamed of yourself. I know it’s hard sometimes but you’re not alone 🩵

#ˏˋ°•*⁀➷ 𝒶𝓈𝓀𝓈 ˚₊‧｡⋆✩

[coolcoelacanth]

i've been so fucking sad about my ex recently and i feel like a crazy person. it's deadass been 1 year since we last saw each other but it's all just hitting me right now. i was relieved for the first few months after we ended things, then i was sad, then i was doing just fine, now all of a sudden i have been fucking miserable about it for the past month. i really wish i could take my brain out of my head and run it under cold water. i feel like im short circuiting. ive just been overall depressed then ill randomly burst into tears about it for like 30 minutes. i've only been one one date since we ended things, and im starting to feel like ill never find someone i love like that again. he didn't treat me right, and i deserve better, but damn did we work together so well. if he hadn't been an idiot things could've worked out really well. now im back to square one, with all these people i genuinely have no interest in. and im pretty sure he started seeing someone shortly after we ended things and theyre still together. so i just feel even worse, like did all of that really mean that little to him? and why does he get to move on and have a happy ending? i feel like nothing is ever fair bro, i give my heart and soul to this shit and i get the short end of the stick every time. and i really, truly, deeply trusted him. i really really did. i dont know how to get over this horrible feeling of betrayal. it burns a hole in my stomach. it doesnt feel real. i dont want any of it to be real. its all just some kind of sick joke. and i keep playing back all the memories of all the things he did that hurt me, so im just hurting myself over and over again and just crying about it all. my brain is truly putting me thru my own personal hell, for why? who fucking knows. maybe bc i havent had a day off since august and im finally having a nervous breakdown, so my brain is just throwing everything its got at me. and i literally spent 8 hours studying today, then im working 8 hrs tmrw and studying afterward for my exam on monday. but it doesn't end there, it all just repeats on an endless cycle until my semester ends in december. i only have this semester and next semester left until i will only be doing rotations, but jesus christ if this doesnt kill me. and i used to have a reprieve on the weekends when my ex would come over for three days and we would just LOL and eat good food and i really felt like i could completely let all my walls down. now i never get to let my walls down because i dont trust anyone to be myself around. so im just constantly holding everything in all the time until i finally explode one day. this is literally so long but if you made it this far, im literally at my breaking point. and i dont even have time to have a break down, i get to cry about my life for a couple hours a day then i just keep going and going and going like a fucking lunatic. somebody please put me out of my misery for fucks sake

#personal #this is extremely long #but im literally fucking miserable holy shit #someone put me out of my misery #idk how i was so mentally stable literally like one month aho #i feel like completely insane again #i dont understand myself

[paula-of-christ]

I felt the call of the Lord again today. I was watching wendigoon discuss paradise lost and realised how desperately I want to be at gods side. ive been so far from god that I don't know how to properly return now. do you have any advice for me please?

We are never as far from God as we seem. The fact that you noticed God's work in your life and desired to be closer to Him proves that. I can't explain it well but "Interior Castle" by St. Therese explains it really well.

Returning is difficult because one never knows where to start, but certainly prayer, especially small ones such as "please God" or a desperate cry in the heart is enough. But also making it regular and attending Mass or adoration or confession is of utmost importance. It's specifically carving out time for God in our busy lives. And that's what faith ends up being mostly. Just the specific, intentional time given to God, even if it doesn't yield anything other than 5, 10, 30 minutes of quiet in our busy lives.

Deo gratias that you felt Him again!

#catholic #catholicism #christian #christianity #queue me up (queue me up inside) can't queue up (queue me up inside) queue meeeee

[bottomburt]

gonna be a big venty post about a lot of things im sad about

its not gonna be everything obviously

also dont worry, im ok, im absolutely terrified of dying so my life isnt at risk or anything

i honestly hate my apartment, i wish i didnt have to pay 2000+ dollars a month for what feels like a hotel room. i wish i could be in a house. i want to live in a place that feels like where a person would spend their life in, and this apartment just doesnt feel like that. i hate having to use a community laundry area. i want my own laundry room i want a place that feels like an actual fucking home and not a pair of rooms joined together with some extras like a bathroom and a kitchen. i want an actual living space. i want a front and back yard. i dont want to have to climb 2 flights of stairs just to get back home. i hate living in this place. theres roaches every now and then and im scared theyre gonna keep coming back. i hate not having a garage. i hate having a closes thats barely enough to fit most of the things i have. i dont like the general feeling of the people around me. i dont like being around university students. i hate living right next to a shopping center when its loud as fuck late at night. i wish i had chosen something different.

i hate feeling so lonely lately. 3 out of the 7 days in a week im just at my desk or in my bed just waiting until i feel ready to stream and talk to fucking no one for hours on end. i dont want a roommate though because i like the experience of having to take care of myself. it only sucks when im by myself with my own thoughts and nothing to do and everything to think and the sound of my own voice in my own head gets so grating i just want to hear another person speak to me for once. and the days i do have social interactions are just classrooms where im so burnt out from the classes that i just dont have much to say.

my classes are so fucking stressful. im more stressed out about classes than i ever have been. it doesnt help its adding onto the stress of renting an apartment but the classes feel so much more time consuming and exhausting this semester. one of my classes requires 10+ discussion posts on full chapters of reading and i really just am not motivated to do any of it. the in class time is honestly really good and i like my teachers, but the time outside of class just feels like a 30 ton weight on my shoulders that i just have to drag around until may.

i miss inky so much.

i keep ordering food and it really bothers me. i have the greatest opportunity to cook for myself but i either keep ordering food or the times i do cook for myself end up feeling unsatisfying. i feel like im fucking up cooking rice. i dont even know how thats possible. the rice keeps getting weirdly soggy and gross every time i make it and it just hasnt been the same since the first time i made it. i dont know what im fucking up. its so annoying trying to make rice that just doesnt want to turn out how i want it to.

i have so many boxes that i need to throw out but havent had time to. i know it'll make me feel better if i do but i just can never get any sort of motivation to do it.

the light strips i have put up have been barely hung up for months now. theres a big section of the light strip that i havent put back up so like half of it has just been hanging off the wall and honestly ive just been hoping itll fall on its own so i finally have a reason to put it back up properly. itll just stay like that i guess.

im generally unhappy with my streams as of late. its the same feeling ive felt before where i put in so much effort to my streams and it just never feels like it pays off. i could never quit though because i absolutely love streaming, but even just having a tiny piece of the interactivity that other streamers have would be nice.

i think thats all im really sad about, it felt nice to put it somewhere

#vent