#like oh let me write essays about men but for the women? have them do crime and kiss bc lesbian | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

dootznbootz · 6 months

Text

Odysseus was afraid the entire year on Aeaea in the Odyssey.

Content warnings: Rape, Sexual Coercion, Sexual assault, Sex Work, power dynamics, this will also be long as fuck as I talk too much. This is NOT a "Circe the Goddess Hate Post". I call her out but that's it. I tried to keep this neutral but still making a point (Let me know if I gotta put more)

Lots of lovely folks on here have written great essays on what Calypso did to Odysseus as it's soooo blatantly obvious there. It literally states how he cried every day and how he flinched from Calypso, very straightforward on how he was explicitly raped.

But I've noticed that a lot of people are always iffy about Circe's situation (understandably so, it's not so in your face.) She's usually always mentioned in the "Odysseus never cheated! He was raped!" posts but then the evidence is only ever given against Calypso, and then mentioning how you can't say no or disobey the orders of an immortal and how it was in exchange for freeing his men.

WHICH IS ALL CORRECT!!! But!!!

There ARE immortal/mortal couples who genuinely love each other. Dionysus and Ariadne, and Eros and Psyche are examples. Apollo and Hyacinthus. Psyche indeed becomes immortal eventually and in some versions, both Hyacinthus and Ariadne do too. But even while mortal themselves, their immortal lovers still remained respectful and loving towards them and definitely doted on them. There are definitely power dynamics at play here but there's some nuance.

Odysseus and Circe's relationship, however, is very different. We all know he slept with her at the very least once. And that was in exchange for his men being returned to humans. That was the only time it was explicitly stated. With Calypso, it tells you every night he was enchanted and slept beside her. It was the narrator speaking but Odysseus is the narrator now and it's his story. If you think he lied, this probably won't change your mind anyway.

But even if it was a one-time thing, (which isn't the only interpretation and I will have points that talk about others) then why did he stay a year? What was he doing?

I'm doing a deep dive into the year he spent on Aeaea based on evidence in Book 10 and then the beginning of Book 12. Step by step, and honestly I'm writing this for Tumblr, not as a thesis so I will be a bit more casual but still using sources. To me, it's very obvious that he was uncomfortable throughout the text simply based on the language that is used. But it's very subtle and not an outright statement of "He's been crying every day."

BTW, just so we're clear, this is not a "Circe is the root of all evil, etc." type of post.

This isn't meant to villainize her. She's an immortal being and in mythology that changes things. Everybody is morally gray. I genuinely think if we were to ask her feelings on it, she'd probably be like "Oh, yeah! Turned his men into pigs! Strange little man he was." I don't think she gave a flying fuck.

I just simply get pissed tf off when people think Odysseus was fine. It honestly disturbs me how often I'll go on other websites YouTube and see everyone call him a whore and a womanizer. It's sexism at its finest because 1.) "MaN AlwAyS wAnTs sEx" and 2.) women can't rape/coerce. THIS IS SIMPLY TO LOOK INTO HIS FEELINGS ABOUT IT.

This is also only for Homer's Odyssey, using different translations. If you want to discuss this, (I'd be happy to! Just be nice!) DON'T BRING UP ANY OTHER WORKS.

With all that out of the way, come yell with me 🤗

I've read multiple translations, as I know there's going to be bias depending on who's translating. And having done so, each one has basically the same situations described the same so that's nice for consistency. Also, there are some parts in the story that are vague and that we'll never have answers to.

Odysseus first simply sees the smoke from her chimney and then sends his men in, after drawing lots Eurylochus leads half of the men to check out the house. I mentioned here vaguely how the 2 immortals he sleeps with are both introduced while singing and weaving, which could be seen as an enchantment (which to me is most likely. They both possess magic and are goddesses). So I'm just gonna move past that. Just take a peek and come back or just know that enchantment was likely.

Next, I'll see people often joke on Tumblr about how

"Odysseus says that Polites is his best friend yet only mentions him once!"

I think Odysseus mentions his best friend, the one to jubilantly go in first, to show WHY he would go through with this. How much these comrades mean to him. That's his best friend, and there are approximately 20 others who are now pigs as well. Could you knowingly leave one of your best friends to live a life like that knowing you could've done something?

[...]Circe—and deep inside they heard her singing, lifting her spellbinding voice as she glided back and forth at her great immortal loom, her enchanting web a shimmering glory only goddesses can weave. Polites, captain of armies, took command, the closest, most devoted man I had: ‘Friends, there’s someone inside, plying a great loom, and how she sings—enthralling! The whole house is echoing to her song. Goddess or woman—let’s call out to her now!’ So he urged and the men called out and hailed her. She opened her gleaming doors at once and stepped forth, inviting them all in, and in they went, all innocence.

(Fagles, Book 10)

In the Odyssey, it's never mentioned why she turns people into animals. I think they were turned into pigs because, throughout the Iliad and Odyssey, Odysseus is often associated with boars. His men are associated with him, therefore: 🐖 Piggy. From what we know, the lads were just eating her food. With how much Xenia and hospitality are a large part of the story, they probably thought they were safe. They were GUESTS. This is especially welcome after the Cyclops and the Laestrygonians. And it literally says "All innocence". They were simply naive.

Then Eurylochus runs back, so terrified that he couldn't speak at first. He then begs Odysseus to just leave the men behind. Odysseus has shown that he does TRY to save his men when it is truly not reckless to do so.

But I shot back, ‘Eurylochus, stay right here, eating, drinking, safe by the black ship. I must be off. Necessity drives me on.’

(Fagles, Book 10)

Then the famous warning from Hermes. I've seen folks bring this up when talking about this. YES, he is literally commanded by Hermes to not refuse her if he wants his men back in basically every translation. It sounds like Circe was warned as well. When? We don't know, but it sounds like Hermes didn't pick "sides" here.

Strange that he was still like, "Sleep with each other" to both, because he could've been like, "Circe, there's this guy named Odysseus. When he comes to this island, change his men back." But who knows, maybe it was Circe's idea from the beginning and Hermes went along with it. Just food for thought.

Now here’s your plan of action, step by step. The moment Circe strikes with her long thin wand, you draw your sharp sword sheathed at your hip and rush her fast as if to run her through! She’ll cower in fear and coax you to her bed— but don’t refuse the goddess’ bed, not then, not if she’s to release your friends and treat you well yourself. But have her swear the binding oath of the blessed gods she’ll never plot some new intrigue to harm you, once you lie there naked— never unman you, strip away your courage!’

(Fagles, Book 10)

But that doesn't explain why he was there for a year afterward! Nor if he himself was okay with it, which is what I'm trying to delve into as he wasn't.

Also the knife thing? She's still immortal. It was meant to startle her. Her dad is Helios. Odysseus would've been toast, literally.

Also note this exchange wasn't a "Yippee! Hermes says I'm going to get laid!".

...just approaching the halls of Circe, my heart a heaving storm at every step, paused at her doors, the nymph with lovely braids— I stood and shouted to her there. She heard my voice, she opened the gleaming doors at once and stepped forth, inviting me in, and in I went, all anguish now …

(Fagles, Book 10)

Another translation by Ian Johnston, (they all say the same thing essentially but trying to make a point.)

I continued on to Circe’s home. As I moved on, my heart was turning over many gloomy thoughts. After I had walked up to the gateway of fair-haired Circe’s house, I just stood there and gave a shout. The goddess heard my voice. She came out at once, opened her bright doors, and invited me inside. I entered, heart full of misgivings.

HE👏WAS👏SCARED! The tone is solemn and suspenseful. He was just told that without Hermes' help with the root, he wouldn't be able to survive and bring back his men. Circe was dangerous.

He made her swear not to harm him.

Straightaway she began to swear the oath that I required—never, she’d never do me harm—and when she’d finished, then, at last, I mounted Circe’s gorgeous bed …

(Fagles, Book 10)

Please note that she NEVER promised that to his men. His comrades did NOT have moli in their systems. He had no way of truly ensuring their safety in any way from Circe.

He then refuses to eat or speak, literally "lost in grim forebodings". If he "just got laid", then why isn't he happy? Not many men can say that a goddess CHOSE to have sex with them. He did it to get his men turned back. It was an exchange. I don't think Circe is "Evil" so maybe it slipped her mind. Or yes, she could've thought, "Hey, I got what I wanted. He's handsome enough. Homer never shuts up about how hot this guy is He hasn't brought up the pigs yet. I'll just let this play out. Maybe HE forgot. I don't have to do anything." We don't know. But Odysseus probably felt like he got deceived.

"Hey, I did my part of the deal. I slept with you. Now do yours."

She pressed me to eat. I had no taste for food. I just sat there, mind wandering, far away … lost in grim forebodings. As soon as Circe saw me, huddled, not touching my food, immersed in sorrow, she sidled near with a coaxing, winged word: ‘Odysseus, why just sit there, struck dumb, eating your heart out, not touching food or drink? Suspect me of still more treachery? Nothing to fear. Haven’t I just sworn my solemn, binding oath?’

So she asked, but I protested, ‘Circe— how could any man in his right mind endure the taste of food and drink before he’d freed his comrades-in-arms and looked them in the eyes? If you, you really want me to eat and drink, set them free, all my beloved comrades— let me feast my eyes.’ So I demanded.

(Fagles, Book 10)

He doesn't trust her despite what she had told him that he should when they sleep together. He has figured out that while she will not hurt him, his men were not a part of that oath, the men he was trying to protect in the first place.

She is then moved by how they rejoice when they see one another again. While turning people into animals for funsies isn't cool and coercion is fucked up, I think she comes to see this group as not quite friends but I think she did find them entertaining in a way.

This is very strange but I've seen some folks say that since Odysseus was pissed at Eurylochus for still not believing him about Circe is proof that "Oh he was trying to defend her!". Which??? Uh, Eurylochus was literally questioning his leadership as a whole. Calling him reckless and shit. He is captain and he's the King, he can't let that shit slide. The text literally says "Mutinous". Also if I had to sleep with someone I did not want to especially if it was to save my friends and I got called names afterward I'd get fucking pissed too.

Only Eurylochus tried to hold my shipmates back, his mutinous outburst aimed at one and all: ‘Poor fools, where are we running now? Why are we tempting fate?— why stumble blindly down to Circe’s halls? She’ll turn us all into pigs or wolves or lions made to guard that palace of hers—by force, I tell you— just as the Cyclops trapped our comrades in his lair with hotheaded Odysseus right beside them all— thanks to this man’s rashness they died too!

They stay a year. Again it's never stated that Odysseus slept with her that whole time. You could interpret that. (Honestly, I feel Circe would get bored with him? She's a goddess, she's got more important matters than mortal men. And she definitely doesn't love him.)

His men DO have to bring it up that "Odysseus has forgotten his native land." Maybe they thought they could sneak out without her knowing??? I am fucking REACHING but hold on as Telemachus did because he knew Nestor would well, be Nestor and try to coax him with "Have a meal with us! Let me tell you about how badass I used to be in my youth." But to sneak away from a goddess? Without her permission? That won't end too well. Aeolus in the beginning kicked out Odysseus when he tried to ask for another bag of wind. If she didn't want him around, she could literally boot him out. While she didn't force him to stay like Calypso did, she didn't "release" him either.

We don't know if they've been asking for a long time. Odysseus does say to Circe that they have been begging him nonstop, but he could also be saying that to try and convince her. He's good at persuasion. I think while he knew he could rely on her for food, shelter, and good advice, he still didn't feel...SAFE with her. I think he was possibly avoiding her personally.

I think HOW he asks her to leave is important to know as well.

...but I went up to that luxurious bed of Circe’s, hugged her by the knees and the goddess heard my winging supplication: ‘Circe, now make good a promise you gave me once— it’s time to help me home. My heart longs to be home, my comrades’ hearts as well. They wear me down, pleading with me whenever you’re away.’

(Fagles, Book 10)

Throughout all of Homer's works, the characters grasp another's knees when they are desperate and are literally at the other person's mercy. Priam did when begging Achilles for Hector's body back. The man who literally killed his son and was defiling his body by dragging it around. Leodes grabs Odysseus' knees to beg for his life before Ody kills him. If he saw her as a friend, and not a captor, WHY DID HE FEEL THE NEED TO BEG IN ORDER TO LEAVE?! No one, who is in a healthy relationship, has to BEG for permission to leave. Or to "Break up", if you interpret them as still sleeping together.

And even Circe acknowledges that he is there against his will!

‘Royal son of Laertes, Odysseus, old campaigner, stay on no more in my house against your will.

(Fagles, Book 10)

[...]Odysseus, man of many resources, scion of Zeus, son of Laertes, don’t stay here a moment longer against your will

(A.S. Kline, Book 10)

This is probably another reach that you can ignore but the whole "they wear me down", could be trying to appease her. "Look, you're REALLY cool, it's actually my crew that wants to leave hahahah please don't kill them"

I mentioned before how Telemachus snuck away from Nestor but that was simply out of necessity because he needed to go home now. Not rest for the night. NOW. Nestor is just everyone's grandpa. Menelaus kind of talked more but Telemachus is very straight up in "Please I have to go now" and Menelaus immediately got things ready for him. He never has to beg and clasp his knees. Telemachus was never afraid. Menelaus is a fun uncle and Helen is your cool auntie.

Back to Circe! She tells him instructions for the underworld, they were in her bedroom. But that might've been the only way to speak with her. As even Penelope is usually away from the suitors when they are in her halls, Circe may have done the same. The text never states she played hostess physically. If she was hosting in the halls during the day, why did Odysseus wait until night to talk to her? He could've just asked her while she was on her throne in front of everyone. (He did so with the Phaeacians)

Or maybe he went alone because she only swore an oath to not harm him and so he didn't want his men near if she decided she didn't want to let them go. I could be missing something here so feel free to say something. Idk if this was a pride thing on how "I don't want others to see me beg".

She has info he needs in order to go home as well. She tells him to go to the Underworld.

She gave him new fine clothes and put on pretty clothes herself but that doesn't mean they had sex. Nausicaa gave him nice clothes as well but he never slept with her.

Then he leaves. Immediately. Not even doing a headcount as he didn't realize one of his men had died. (That was negligence on his part but he wanted out) He booked it, to the UNDERWORLD BY THE WAY. Circe even had to sneak the animals he needed for the sacrifice. Odysseus even basically said "She's a goddess. She can do things mortals can't" at the end of the book. And it almost feels...Numb? Solemn? Neutral? Gives a "It is what it is" vibe.

But Circe got to the dark hull before us, tethered a ram and black ewe close by— slipping past unseen. Who can glimpse a god who wants to be invisible gliding here and there?

(Fagles, Book 10)

She’d slipped past us with ease, for who can see a god move back and forth, if she has no desire to be observed?

(Johnston, Book 10)

She's a goddess. She has magic. She can do whatever the fuck she wants.

NOW ON TO BOOK 12!!! That was long! GET A SNACK AND WATER! LUCKILY THIS'LL BE SHORTER!

In Book 11, Odysseus swears, upon all his loved ones in Ithaca, to Elpenor that he'd give him a proper burial as he's been "unwept, unburied". So in Book 12, he sails back to Aeaea to fulfill his promise.

But you know what's funny to me?

He didn't tell Circe he was there.

He didn't even go to greet Circe himself. He sent his men to go get Elpenor's body.

The biggest clue that he didn't love/trust her is that if she was his "Affair partner" then why not go see her for "one last night together"?

SHE came out herself and pulled him aside to know what happened and then gave more advice.

I dispatched some men to Circe’s halls to bring the dead Elpenor’s body. [...]

Nor did our coming back from Death escape Circe— she hurried toward us, decked in rich regalia, handmaids following close with trays of bread and meats galore and glinting ruddy wine. [...]

But Circe, taking me by the hand, drew me away from all my shipmates there and sat me down and lying beside me probed me for details

(Fagles, Book 12)

In every translation, it talks about how he sits, and she lounges/lies down. That's not sex 🙃 In some translations, it even says he tried to be with his shipmates but she pulled him away!

So we lay down and slept beside our ship’s stern cables. But Circe took me by the hand and led me away, some distance from the crew. She made me sit, while she stretched out beside me on the ground.

(Johnston, Book 12)

Then, she gives advice about the sirens, Charybdis, Scylla, and her father's Cattle. He tries to ask if he could save all his men. She scolds him for even thinking he could try. He again books it out of there.

I think we all know it wasn't "love". But I think a lot of people think Odysseus was willing and happy with whatever this was. "Friends with Benefits", if you will. I guess you could see it that way but I will say that makes me feel itchy with the whole power dynamic and fear. I don't think folks who have that arrangement have to beg on their knees to ask if they can leave though.

I mean the entirety of Book 10 gives me the vibes of "Laughing uncomfortably because you don't want to upset the other person". To just grin and bear it.

A lot of this was just putting the text here and picking it apart step by step. What you do with this is up to you. It's rambling while banging pots and pans together.

Maybe you see him as drugged the entire year and still sleeping together, as the moli "wore off". Even then, just because her magic can't affect him, there are plenty of natural concoctions that can be created that can affect mortals.

Maybe you see the entire year as sex work in exchange for shelter and food.

Maybe he was just alongside his men the whole time under her roof and was avoiding her after the exchange. After he got asked by his men to finally leave, he would start to walk up to that room only to freeze and turn around, thinking "One more day won't hurt. Should wait until I know she's in a sympathetic mood".

I beg of you, however, PLEASE understand that there was fear and coercion throughout his entirety on Aeaea. He wasn't staying to get laid. While there is so much going on and too many things that are left vague to really know exactly what happened, it is consistent that he was scared/numb. Lots of people go through with things they don't really want to do just to appease others. There are plenty of situations of sexual trauma where one person goes through something and the other has no idea the other person isn't okay. ESPECIALLY WHEN SOMEONE CAN HARM THE PEOPLE YOU CARE ABOUT AT ANY MOMENT!

Sexual trauma is a very complicated thing and while he was scared, he definitely wasn't as traumatized by her as he was by Calypso. Calypso was a torturous hell while Circe was a year of walking on eggshells. Not comparable but I still think it should be acknowledged. It's wild because I read the Odyssey and kept thinking "Y'all are calling the sex slave a cheater? The guy who slept with a goddess to get his men back? The ultimate simp apparently doesn't love his wife??"

Things I'm adding that shouldn't affect the argument as it is not in the Odyssey but I want to mention as it's a "fun fact": Odysseus' dad was an Argonaut. Laertes probably met Circe as well, (or knew of her) with the whole purifying thing and maybe Odysseus heard his dad tell stories of her. Later myths also have Circe with the habit of turning her crushes (or their lovers) into something with Scylla and Picus.

In conclusion, Yeah, he was afraid of her. At least to an extent. And don't pull the whole "Ancient men didn't get raped". Male victims exist and deserve compassion for what was done to them and women are capable of sexual abuse. If you think otherwise, you are not a true feminist and Fuck you. I said in the beginning this'll be casual and I don't wanna write a fancy ending. You can still think Circe is neat but you have to know that this was fucked up.

If you think a lot of this is bullshit or wanna give more context or wish to yell with me but still know he wasn't alright on Aeaea, cool. If you want to point out mistakes or something I should keep in mind with interpretations then feel free to say so but give text evidence. If you try and bring up the Telegony and/or Madeline Miller's Circe, fuck clean off. This is Homer. If you call Odysseus a whore and not the malewife he canonically is I'll start biting. 😤

#feel free to add thoughts! just be nice #Was a bit afraid to post this but now I don't care lol #I'm a tired bitch #Youtube and idiots on tumblr got me acting up.#This may be too thorough but idc.#idk why the colors get weird #I don't know how other people can see all these things lined up together and not see how he was not okay.#like I said you can still like circe the goddess but know this was wrong!#might make private sometime but fuck it #anti-madeline miller #Circe the goddess is “fine”. Circe the book is not #It sounds like it does her dirty anyways. Odyssey Circe would take book Circe out back and beat the absolute shit outta her.#As another Madeline I'm ashamed.#if you bring up the tele-GONE-y then BEGONE yourself #odysseus #the odyssey #odyssey #circe #tagamemnon #tw rape #tw sa #tw sex assault #crying shaking throwing up #greek mythology #circe rant #odyssey rant #anti madeline miller #anti circe #the BOOK #Mad rambles

217 notes · View notes

hannigramislife · 4 months

Note

for my own gratification bc i just ran into nie mingjue hate in the wild, would you mind making a post that defends my poor good boy? he worked so hard and got gaslit to shit before getting murdered terribly ;; literally everyone sat there telling him "youre being too harsh" and he's just responding appropriately. like yeah, if you witness a murder, ya kinda got to do something about that as a clan leader. its kinda your responsibility, even when you care about the person who did the murdering. he was also a really young when he took on the role of clan leader and idk, it just made me rlly sad to see people dunk on him cuz wtf he's literally just trying his best in an impossible situation WHILE being perpetually fucked over by his clan's own traditional cultivation cuz now the stronger he is as a leader, the closer he is to going literally insane and dying bc of it. (mingjue did nothing wrong i will die on this hill) ((sorry for going on a tirade, im just sad and defensive of my good boy rn))

Oh no! I'm so sorry you had to go through Nie Mingjue hate! Truly tragic. I went through that once when in the beginning of me reading the books, when I still had no proper opinions, and never again.

I'm more than willing to make a post about Nie Mingjue! I'm always down to talk about Nie Mingjue tbh, he's my heart and love and if I were to have been given the opportunity to be his right hand person, I would have simply never betrayed his trust and married him. Rip Jin Guangyao but I'm different.

Anyways, I, huhhh, actually think you?? Covered it all??? Pretty much?? Yet I will talk about it. This will be long and non-coherent, because I don't have the books rn to find quotes in them and honestly, I could write essays on Nie Mingjue either way.

Nie Mingjue is a central piece of the narrative, despite the limited amount of appearances he made, and the fact that he wasn't close to the main characters at all. The entire second part of the plot revolves around him- it happened because of him. His murder is a tragedy; literally, by greek standards, man has Cassandra Curse all over him, so I don't get how people can tell me, confidently, that his death was warranted. I've been told the man had asked for it, and this has mostly been by Jin Guangyao apologists.

So let me make something real fucking clear.

Nie Mingjue did not deserve to die. Let's get that out of the way, anyone can fight me on that. Nie Mingjue had more good qualities than half the people in this fucking story, despite his flaws. After his father was brutally murdered when Mingjue was only in his teens, Nie Mingjue stepped up as clan leader. We can only speculate the hardships that await someone leading a clan at such an early age. Yet, political challenges weren't the only thing he had to battle; Nie Mingjue knew about his clan's harmful cultivation, and he knew he was going to die young. So what did he do? His best. Literally his best, always. He was always giving 100% of his abilities, because that's who he was.

Let's talk about who Nie Mingjue was, shall we?

When Jin Guangyao, still Meng Yao then, describes Nie Mingjue, he finds himself perplexed, because Nie Mingjue isn't like other men. He is not frivolous, and he has no vices; Meng Yao describes how Nie Mingjue never showed an interest in arts, or alcohol, or women. All he did was train, and fight the Wens during the war. It shows that he had a one-track mind from the start, and has got a strict discipline; yet this strictly disciplined man, leader of a clan that prizes strength, continuously indulges his lazy and undisciplined half-brother, his one and only heir, despite not understanding his interests. We gather, pretty quickly, that Nie Mingjue is a bleeding heart for his brother, and for the ones he loves in general. We see the same softer side displayed in the presence of Lan Xichen, and of course, for some time, Meng Yao.

People seem to think Nie Mingjue took Meng Yao's betrayal too harshly. As if somehow seeing a man he thought to have been just and honest commit premeditated murder, then cover it up, was something he was just supposed to get over. To this day, I can't believe how Lan Xichen was so understanding of it. But not only did Nie Mingjue catch him in a cowardly act - Meng Yao proceeds to manipulate him, using the fact that Nie Mingjue cared about him, to stab him in the back. Or front, however it happened. I get that Meng Yao was in a difficult position, that he suffered at the Jins, that he felt backed in a corner; but Nie Mingjue was a man that had extended his help to Meng Yao before, and even then, he went to find Meng Yao in righteous fury, ready to help him again. To Nie Mingjue, the idea that Meng Yao "had no other choice" but to kill - to kill in the manner he did - it could have been nothing but a betrayal.

One thing that I personally highly respected Nie Mingjue for was the fact that he did not judge Meng Yao for his background. This is not up for debate; Nie Mingjue stood up for him, quite publicly, quite vocally, when Meng Yao was being insulted over it. And not only that, but he promoted Meng Yao to be his right hand man, just like that. Because he's impulsive, and to prove a point, but it was still huge of him to do. Not even Lan Xichen would have done that - In a society built on power dynamics between social classes, Nie Mingjue was one of the few characters who did not let that define his actions. It wasn't because he was born privileged (though he was) but because he he didn't let anything other than his judgment direct his actions. Nie Mingjue also never shied away from anything; if it had to be done, he did it, no matter the cost.

Nie Mingjue was decisive, and had an iron will. When Meng Yao killed the Nie disciples in Qishan, he wanted to kill Meng Yao. Meng Yao told him, paraphrasing, that "don't you understand that if I hadn't done that, it would have been your corpse up there?" and Wei Wuxian takes it to mean "Translation: I saved you so you can't kill me, because that would mean you're in the wrong." So Nie Mingjue hesitated for a second, then said: "Fine! I'll kill you, and then take my own life!" And the only reason he didn't, was because Lan Xichen was there. Otherwise, Nie Mingjue would have killed his former friend, then followed him to whatever afterlife awaited.

Nie Mingjue is often portrayed like he doesn't understand stuff, like he's stupid, simply because of his black and white sense of morality. That's not correct: Nie Mingjue understands motive, but he doesn't accept the ends justifying the means. Scratch that, he doesn't accept or justify either, if they're unjust. The murder of the Jin commander, the murder of the Nie disciples, not executing Xue Yang - how can Nie Mingjue possibly understand Meng Yao's decisions, when Nie Mingjue would rather die, any day, than live thanks to vile actions?

And then, Nie Mingjue starts falling into qi-deviation. We know that it affected his temper the most, and his judgement. I don't understand how it works, really, so I don't know by the end how much was Nie Mingjue and how much was the mess that the spirit made of him - maybe a combination of the two. But what is certain, is that the rapid qi deviation changed him.

But I could write a hundred more pages on him, meticulously going over every single scene he has ever appeared in, because I find him that interesting. I find him the most interesting, and the most appealing character, because in a story where the navigation of the cultivation world's complex politics and hierarchies with tact and diplomacy is crucial, Nie Mingjue stands uncompromising in his principles, choosing duty and honor over anything else, even when it's hard.

#the untamed #mdzs #cql #mo dao zu shi #nie mingjue #nie mingjue had his flaws #and he had his virtues #i will not allow slander on his name #when he always did what he thought was best and just and good #when he was loving and kind and hot-headed but he was also just in his early 20s with the weight of the world on his shoulders #cold absolutely freezing day in hell when i'm over him

112 notes · View notes

captainmera · 4 months

Note

Hello! I've just gotten caught up with both your TOH fics and IBWR and let me just say, your writing is fantastic! I have a million things I want to ask you, but if you haven't already answered this one, it's what I'm most curious about; How do you do your research on things like puritan culture? Like what sort of questions do you search for to get the information you need about historical costumes and culture? Thanks a million and I can't wait for the next updates to all three!! (metaphorically speaking ofc take all the time you need)

Hello! Thank you for reading! :D/ I welcome questions like these!

Oh! Let me break this up:

COSTUMES:

Find passionate people who hyperfocus on the era you want to dive into. There are a ton of reenactors and seam-enthusiasts on instagram & youtube who do historical sewing, and all of them usually have one era/decade that they spend most time in. They are extremely enthusiastic about both showing their progress of making the costumes, what makes them accurate to history, as well as displaying the garments by happily twirling around in them.

So costumes? Find the nerds. They'll tell you all about how men's shoes went from silk ribbons to buckles.

These people are the best researchers. Not all of them have degrees or have a history background. But they read, live and breathe these things more than any degree could give them. Some of them even learn languages just to read a book about wigs, buttons, and gloves.

Following the nerds will get you to the points much faster than reading the books yourself. They'll pluck out the important details and, very enthusiastically, teach you about the important bits. It'll also stick much better if someone is excited to teach you something.

CULTURE:

Same thing here, really. Find the nerds. But instead of just looking at fashion, look at things like: Food, music, lower social classes, local entertainment, pub songs, drinks, jokes and humour, pets, baby names, folklore, superstitions, agriculture, architecture, interior decor, furniture, sleeping routines, etc.

Ask seemingly mundane but important questions, such as: Where do they shit? What did a dentist do? What's a quack? And are there famous quacks? How did they deal with crime? What was punishments? Did kids go to school? When was it acceptable to get married? What was socially taboo?

Things like that.

I like to start with asking myself: What is relevant for me to know, in regards to my story?

Because you are telling a story, not an essay on the era you're having as your backdrop. You don't have to include every single accurate thing. It's okay to be off on some details in favour of telling your story (in my opinion). You're not a historian.

With that being said, if something like crime and punishment is important to your story, you should look that up. If you feel that the way people dressed, and the social morals and taboos, might be something that adds both world-building, and would let a reader fall into the era more.. You should look into that too!

Culture adds flavour to the setting. It allows both you and the reader to see the invisible stakes. For example: The puritans were very gendered. So it impacts how men and women interact with one another. It can invite both humour, conflict and pearl-clutching. Because if you understand that it would be, say, unacceptable for a man to press his lips upon the skin of a woman's hand, and you can both tell and show this to the reader; when such a thing occurs, the reader will LE-GASP.

Youtube is also a good space to go to.

Write down names of important figures of the time. Musicians, politicians, criminals, philosophers, inventors, women, plays, etcetera.

Something that influenced the culture was also what people were currently discussing and discovering. What was invented at the time? What were the philosophies and poetry written? Who were the prominent speakers of the time?

Like how we, today, are talking about how "social media is bad and ruining the children!" What did people talk about back then? People have always yelled "But what about the children?!" What were the social fears and terrors? These things influences the culture.

MY OWN NOTES:

I would say that no source is a bad source, one thing will lead to another. Don't just look for videos/documents/books about the puritans! Look at the era as a whole, even the time just before the one you are looking in at.

Context is everything. What happened in 1635 is a result of the previous culture's just 10-50years before. Don't dismiss the little things.

You never know when; a curator explaining why a led-cup was an important to medicinal practices at the time; might be of use to you! (note: Drinking over-night wine from a lethal cup in small doses made you shit a river and vomit. This was believed to be all the bad in your body leaving you, and even out the levels of various liquids in the body. Like pee, sweat, blood, and mucus. That's why blood-letting was a practice, too, to even your levels.)

TAKE NOTES.

Like, listen to a documentary and have a piece of paper nearby that you can scribble down something important you heard.

Documentaries can be a bit of a drag to sit through just to find ONE piece of good information. But hey, as long as you get something useful right?

That's the short summary of it. Hope that helps!

#history #ask mera

46 notes · View notes

coella-cox · 1 year

Text

Oh a lot of discourse™️ about that SM episode and…

I don’t think screaming meals even knows what they want to be or do (lowkey they kind of just want to make money? or views?) they seem stuck between being a podcast about racing, or a podcast with racing drivers about whatever, or just being boys talking into a microphone (imo…they aren’t interesting enough to do the last one and that’s why no one listens to clems wine corner). And they keep trying to anticipate what their female audience would want (and missing horribly) while also clearly trying to move beyond that audience into…idk (and they don’t either).

I’m in America and regardless of drive to survive no one really know about f1- and believe me when I say NO ONE knows about Indy car (and mind you Clem drives f2…) so the boys can do with that information what they will. But ultimately I think they need to accept that they do a VERY niche thing and so their audience might never expand beyond niche. Obviously it’s hard being in content creation and seeing people like Yung Filly dabble in Motorsport while being an entertainment/content mongul but Yung Filly is…better at it? Lol

Anyways one day I will write the essay about how many men don’t view women/girl fans as legitimate and how they simultaneously discredit the fans support and also crave it (but they want it from other men! bc that legitimizes it to them bc men don’t usually think of women as fully complex and intelligent peo- [GUNSHOT])

Also… there is an underlying tension of like social/class divides between the boys and their potential audience and as a spectator…you can feel the tension simmering lol

And Rory has to spend hours editing podcasts down to absolutely nothing bc of this underlying tension and idk babes…let the mask slip and just adopt critical thinking skills

Idk be open to changing and growing and being corrected and they won’t have to worry about being canceled or whatever it is that they think of when they say “politically correct” on the pod

#the novel is done.#the other thoughts will stay in my mind and my dms 😌#this post might self destruct in 24 hrs idk I haven’t decided yet #screaming meals #marcus armstrong #clem novalak #James Harvey Blair

95 notes · View notes

wannaeatramyeon · 10 months

Note

hihi!! i thought this was funny and wanted to tell you😭

i was telling my friend about Goo and how i would absolutely marry him and they said that he needs their blessing. i asked what he can do to get their blessing and they said he needed to write them an essay about how much he loves me so, to entertain them, i wrote them an essay from Goo's perspective about why he wants to marry me with a 20 minute timer. it was 584 words in the end and I worked a miracle.

Moral of the story: Goo got the blessing😭so uhhh you can always write your way into someones life??

This tickled me, just imagining the unhinged ramblings from Goo POV mixed with your own. Drop it please.

Inbox clearing time! Non fic requests answered: 6. (Check it - plus my fave Lookism arcs!)

To the non-anon anon that I have not included and I don't know what to do with your message - No, I won't hold your hand while you poop. Good luck with that.

Really?? I feel so... unhinged and nonsensical (even more so than usual) when I rant. Seriously thank you for reading!?!!?

PTJ did somewhat write women with more of a personality in his Life As A Loser Series so it seems more of a shame that he's lost his touch and catering much more towards teenage boys with his current series.

Which. Fine. Action manhwa - great. BUT if your target audience are teenage boys then yknow, wouldn't it be even BETTER to write some strong badass women so these impressionable youngsters realise that not all girls need saving, and oh look. Girls are human too. With their own ambitions and flaws and imperfections, just like everyone else.

If you must make them simp, form a harem. Also. FINE. At least give them something beyond that.

Hey Black Anon! Sorry again for how long it took me to respond to your ask before, and hope it's going much better for yourself since your last request.

I'm muuuuch more responsive with DMs so if you ever wanna come out of anon - come shout at me in my DMs!!

HTF s2 is really... something. Completely lost the meaning of HTF and Viral Hit. Don't blame you for dropping it. Alas, the Taehoon grip on me is still going STRONG.

LOL. Me in a similar position, wondering if I should get into JJK.

Can I... recommend some of my fave arcs if you ever do decide to read Lookism? The ones I like are generally more story driven.

Vasco's backstory (prepare the tissues) - 52 - 57

Johan + Zack + Mira backstory (cult warning, another sad arc) - 132 - 138

Goddog (another pretty sad arc with Johan) - 199 - 213

Jacedichi Files (silly crime solving with Burn Knuckles) - 215 - 218

One Night (Johan + Jace!! Fun action) - 258 - 262

Jake Kim (PLEASE READ THIS IF NOTHING ELSE) - 302 - 318

Workers (2A) (Rescuing Sinu. Honestly, I cry almost every time. Read Jake Kim's arc to appreciate this!) - 372 - 392

Let me know if you ever get into it!!!

Me??? Mine????? I cannot write that guy so thank you - that means A LOT to me! I will try harder to write a decent Eli (that doesn't devolve into ranting about his current direction).

Thank you for reading and being so friggin CUTE!! 💖

I feel a vaguely threatening tone from this.

Like something Goo would recite before walking into a darkened warehouse with a crowbar 🤔

Baby there's nothing noble about this, but it is actually more satisfying than my normal job lol (lolling through tears).

Thank you so much for reading!! My single braincell has been firing quite well with these ideas.

Anon. Honestly this is adorable, I've screenshat this for a pick me up ahhhhhhh 🥹

My dear 🕊️ anon, thank you for reading my DG fic! I also feel very little for DG but I will admit I am coming around to him.

YES!!! I LOVE the idea of someone getting close to James Lee in his younger years, and him being soft for the reader.

And then I also like angst so let's bring those 2 things together. Heh.

Eeeee I also added that Remember fic to my list of faves that I have written.

Please. I also have a list of fictional men I am unwell over. Let's start a support group! 🫠

#🕊️ anon #🖤 anon #ramen asks

28 notes · View notes

arcaneniffler · 20 days

Text

So like some days ago I got into a “fight” with someone here over a post saying i *might* wanna write a fic from the women’s pov of robert’s rebellion… you know i thought i’d get a few likes and that’s it?? (I got a fic recommendation similar to my idea so thank you for that.)

And then someone just had to go and say stupid shit like “nobody blamed women”… well i responded and didn’t receive a reply, so i was like ?? have you given up so easily? Guess what.. they blocked me. (Funny thing is that i could see their newest reply through my browser so… lol)

“Lyanna chose to run away with Rhaegar.” Do we ever get a Lyanna pov?? No. So we can’t know for 100%. Most of the characters believe she was kidnapped tho, so maybe that’s an indication? Yes, of course she played a role in the rebellion. Was that a voluntary role? That’s the question of the century.

“Rhaenyra played an active role in the dance of dragons!!/ is partially to blamed for it” Of course??? She was literally one of the two people vying for the throne?? And the literal only reason why the whole dance happened was because she was a woman. (If anyone brings up the bastard-arguement… if she were a man nobody would’ve given two fucks about her having bastards.) As for Alicent Hightower — she’s a good example too. I love her as well, she’s such a complex character, but the point of an example is to just name a few [poeple, things, etc] not every single one…

Calling me sexist is a low blow. I am here literally defending women, saying they shouldn’t be blamed for stupid shit. I have dealt with sexism my whole life — thank you very much. Maybe you should just stop and look into yourself for a minute before saying shit??

Asoiaf generally treats people bad. Everybody suffers pretty much. I am not downplaying the bad things that happen to men; my initial post just happened to be about women. (I think the sexist thing to say is rather that “oh ok women have it bad buT WHAT ABOUT MEN. THEY SUFFER TOO. POOR MEN, let’s make this one about them too.”) I could write essays about the bad things that happened to some men in asoiaf, how they were mistreated etc. But I was talking about women in that post. Period.

And obviously, these women are all very strong. I think that’s what makes them especially strong and brave — that even though they live in a world designed to opress women and have many horrible experiences, they still survive and fight on. Sansa, Daenerys, Brienne, Arya, Catelyn, Cersei, Margaery — just to name a few. It’s not “wa waa women can’t do anything because they’re victims” it’s “yes, even though many women were victims of cruelty, they still continue to fight.” All of these characters (and not just the women) are very complex. Putting them into the roles of “victim” and “oppressor” are just too cliche; but I of course didn’t sit down and and write an essay about it, I made a shitpost on tumblr thinking 5 people will read it and that’s it. The fact that you came and critisized the idea of a women-centric fanfiction is just ridiculous.

I don’t know why arguing with strangers on the internet is such a good pasttime? If you didn’t like my original post you could’ve just ignored it. (And if you say “oh but you aren’t ignoring my reply either.” Yes, because you dragged me into this.) Everyone can have different opinions and theories, but when it goes over to the point where you insult me, I just can’t take it. I’m not sure if you will ever see this post, but if you do; I’m sorry if you’ve misunderstood me at any point— but please keep your chill.

#what am i even doing #arguing with strangers #acTuaLLy iNfuRiAtiNg #women deserve better #game of thrones #asoiaf

4 notes · View notes

helena-thessaloniki · 1 year

Text

Welp. Sharing my Top Ten Favorite Films is probably giving more identifying information about my irl self than if I posted my last name, birthday, and mailing address, but here you have it. 🥰 Nominated by my dear friend @a-slut-for-smut 🖤

After careful thought and consideration, these are indeed ranked in order. heh

Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

“So much death. What can men do against such reckless hate?”

Sinbad: Legend of the Seven Seas

One day, I will write the essay that nobody asked for about this one. A real study into fate, destiny, and the role of our own personal choices. Brilliant storytelling: I’m endlessly inspired by what happens in the beginning coming full circle for the surprise twist at the end. Especially with how it’s seamlessly interwoven with the anti-hero’s redemption arc and sacrifice. Of course, there’s also a compelling female villain (Eros, Goddess of Chaos) and a strong, feminine female lead-- y’know, grit and grace-- with real autonomy and agency (Marina). Even the “handsome prince” is not a stereotype, but a deconstruction of toxic masculinity. The bromance and charming ensemble cast. The gorgeous scenery. Oh, how I could go on and on.

Rogue One

“What chance do we have? The question is ‘what choice.’ Run, hide, plead for mercy, scatter your forces: you give way to an enemy this evil with this much power and you condemn the galaxy to an eternity of submission. The time to fight is now!”

Be still my heart. The chosen family vibes of six truly unique characters, all so vulnerable, determined and brave in their own ways, learning to trust and lean on each other, risking it all to save the galaxy... For me, this further revolutionized storytelling from the singular hero who saves the day to the everyday people who do. And, you can really see why this was one of the most expensive films to make of all time. It’s breathtakingly beautiful. Lastly, I know SW is inundating everything now, but I’m sorry not sorry, let’s keep being anti-Imperialist, anti-fascist, yeah?

“Rebellions are built on hope.”

Troy

“We men are wretched things.”

Lord of the Rings: Return of the King

“A day may come when the courage of men fails, when we forsake our friends and break all bonds of fellowship, but it is not this day. An hour of wolves and shattered shields, when the age of men comes crashing down, but it is not this day!”

Stand by Me

“Wish the hell I was your dad! You wouldn't be goin' around talkin' about takin' these stupid shop courses if I was. It's like God gave you something, man, all those stories you can make up. And He said, ‘This is what we got for ya, kid. Try not to lose it.’ Kids lose everything unless there's someone there to look out for them. And if your parents are too fucked up to do it, then maybe I should.”

Brother Bear

Little Women (2019)

“I can't get over my disappointment at being a girl.”

Dune (2021)

I’m not sure if Dune will hold up as the years go on, but I went back to see it in theatres four times and I wish desperately to see it again for the first time. They don’t make many (big blockbuster) movies this grave and grandiose anymore. The music, visuals, and somber tone was unlike anything I’ve seen in a long, long time.

Constantine

“I guess God has a plan for all of us.”

“God's a kid with an ant farm, lady. He's not planning anything.”

Honorable mentions to Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring, The Italian Job, Pride and Prejudice (2005), Mad Max: Fury Road, Inception, Atlantis: The Lost Empire, and my ultimate guilty pleasure, Mr. and Mrs. Smith.

Nominating @warbarbie @stalactice @known-as-naya @levi4mikasa @infinitelystrangemachinex @queenofangts @quinnxra @onigiri-dorkk @ally147writes & whomever wants to reflect and share with this fun 🥰

#favorite films

10 notes · View notes

daincrediblegg · 9 months

Note

Because I was re-watching silence of the lambs earlier, and the scene came where Clarice was being stared at by all male police officers whom were not receptive to what she said, regardless of the fact she was there to do a job, let alone fbi, in addition to information purposefully being kept from her, despite being tasked to help in solving the case, I was of course reminded of what u said abt Lady T. and how the men on board the ship were not at all keen on having her with them, if not frightened of her presence due to superstition, save for Blanky and Francis being some of the few that treat her with the respect she deserves yknow.

With that being said it did make me curious as to whether or not she would b included in the meetings Sir John has with his team (Francis, Jfj, Blanky, etc) not to mention how her presence would b perceived by those at the table as it is very much something that was unprecedented at the time.

oh man it's REALLY funny you mention that movie in particular- I just watched that again recently for this Gothic Novels Seminar that I took just this past semester( and I'd be remiss to say that it didn't heavily influence a lot of the thought-work I did initially for her- among other things). And actually I did a whole essay on gothic couplings (romantic and not so much- and the lines blurred between them)- and argued why it's one of the few literary genres that affords women agency when it's written with a strictly romantic lens in mind (sorry my dear EAP, on whom I gave the lecture of my fucking life, but you don't win at this actually).

Anyway I digress- the shortest answer I can give without getting too terribly long-winded about telling all without actually writing the damn thing - is yes, she's included, but BARELY, and not given much thought despite her earned (and it was EARNED, but also HAD to be given) position. And actually, from the start it's one of the things that draws Francis and LT to each other- because actually (and this would be part of a larger essay on Crozier, had I less brain fog and more time), I see a lot of Clarice in Francis. In a very similar way, the way the anti-Irish sentiment towards him in particular manifests in the way a lot of characters treat him, is very similar to those very scenes in which Clarice is surrounded by men who dismiss and discredit her. Francis has to face a lot of the same stuff- even though we only really know with the benefit of hindsight that he was actually 100% right about what their strategy should have been, but regardless. He's dismissed by Sir John as speculative and alarmist (and a drunkard- which is another byproduct of Irish oppression under imperial rule) when he actually does have better credentials for arctic AND antarctic survival. James dismisses him as melodramatic. Hickey (as well as a good laundry list of others) don't even fully take his orders as seriously- and it could very well likely be because of this, reinforced by the dismissive attitude that his other two commanders took. And at least where my line of thought with Lady Terror is concerned... seeing someone else go through the same thing... tends to light a fire under people. Make them want to support each other in spite of potential consequences. And there are really only two other people on these ships that I feel would be able to understand that it's just the same imperialistic mindset projected onto another arbitrarily and unjustly perceived by said imperialistic mindset as lesser. One of them by direct understanding, and the other because he's a wise old goat who has seen this happen to people he adores before and understands.

#uh... is this meta?#egg's meta #francis crozier #lady terror #egg's oc's #man your asks are lovely and give me a great excuse to run my fucking mouth. I ever tell you that? yeah. THANK YOU #I APPLAUD YOU in fact #blanky continues to be an MVP in this regard. bless him #oh yeah did I mention because of this class and my actual love for edgar allan poe and also the pale blue eye that I made him lt's best bud #yeah

2 notes · View notes

hi-my-name-is-dotdotdot · 2 years

Text

how come I can't write my common app essay but I can go off on a slightly related tangent and write... 543 words on kids learning about the world

I am now posting that because I didn't type it all up to sit in my google docs forever

(The "Looking back" to begin was referencing the college essay - something about watching a bunch of space science shows when I was little. my parents were always like "how do you understand any of that" and it made me think of this)

Looking back, it’s made me realize that kids are capable of understanding a lot more than we give them credit for. They don’t have a basis of comparison to think “oh, that’s complicated,” they simply comprehend it. Try explaining general relativity to an adult, or even to teenagers like my physics class last year, and you’ll be met with confusion. After all, the idea that time, distance, and even direction aren’t constant is hard to accept when the observations and experiences of your whole entire life tell you that they are. “How does that work?!” You’ll wonder. But a kid… sure. “Why not?” They might say. Kids are learning new things about how the world works all the time. When I was 3, I thought the moon belonged in Michigan and that I wouldn’t see it anymore when we moved to Texas but was delighted to spot my old friend in our new state. Not confused, not incredulous, simply ecstatic. The point is, kids are used to unlearning assumptions in favor of reality because they have to do it on the daily. There’s no reason that shouldn’t extend to more complex topics like astrophysics. Big masses bend space-time? *shrug* Okay, why not? This makes light bend? Okay, why not? The Solar System has a lot more than the eight or nine planets and the asteroid belt? Okay, why not? There might be a hidden planet out in the Kuiper belt? Okay, why not? Stars collapse into black holes that nothing ever escapes from? Okay, why not? Blue is actually the hottest color even though we think of it as cold? Okay, why not?

Why? Not?

A kid hasn’t yet built the instinct to automatically fight that “why not” with answers. “Well, I always knew-” They’re not gonna do that. Yesterday they learned that subtracting is adding with negative numbers and that leap years don’t happen once every 200 years. They have no reason to fight you on something that, in their perspective, has no reason to be more important than that.

This is making me think of those posts about how all that “protect the children” rhetoric is actually ridiculous. Just straight-up saying you don’t want your kids to know about queer people is one thing, but disguising under the pretense that it’s going to be “too confusing” or an “adult” topic doesn’t hold up. No one’s saying teach a five-year-old how sex works, but acknowledging that two men or two women can fall in love just like mommy and daddy won’t do any harm. Acknowledging that some people don’t like the gender they were born with won’t do any harm. A kid knowing queer people can exist isn’t gonna scar them for life. It’s probably only the twentieth most confusing thing they’ve learned in the past day, let alone week. When you grow up learning that everything has to be exactly one way - that everyone is cisgender and straight and not queer in any way - that’s when you have trouble opening your mind to other possibilities. That’s when you say, “I’ve known this my whole life so it must be true.” But if you’re introduced to these ideas as a kid (to be ab-so-lute-ly clear, in an age-appropriate manner) - Okay, why not?

#if I could freaking use this I'd only need like 50 more words to get it into the ideal range #I can do that #somehow I started with kids and space (and general relativity??) and got into queerness #look I have not reread this I'm sorry if I'm rambling nonsense out here #what else is tumblr for though #don't mind me rambling into the void #that was a tag I had going at some point wasn't it?

1 note · View note

mspaintp7ague · 1 month

Text

quite thankful i dont have a lot of dysphoria cause my mom thinks hrt will give me heart problems or some shite 😐 like bitch please you do realize cis men just have that much t and don't go around dropping dead right

my doctor is chill on the whole thing she's just bein weird. there's a trans health center pretty close to us but nooo she doesn't want to go there and check out the actual medical resources and opinions on the matter. oh and she's also antivax but just for the covid vaccine. yes i am still not vaxxed for covid fml

tldr. im gonna be Busy after i turn 18

fr tho she really is just being stupid. i don't ever want children so idgaf about losing my fertility. idgaf if it would actually kill me tbh the world is going to shit anyway and i doubt i'm gonna amount to anything. thing is literally no one thinks hrt kills you. she needs to get off chinese 4chan fr

she lets me do what i want for the most part but is annoyingly stupid about certain things. yeah i don't like the government either but the vaccine that millions of people have taken is not going to give me cancer in ten years. she fr thinks people will start dropping dead eventually and "we just need to wait to see the long term effects" the mrna is reabsorbed in like. three weeks. how do you have this little critical thinking / trust in science

and she thinks men and women genuinely have biological differences to the point that gendered razors are actually important and you need a dick to wear boxers. fuck off mom let me buy some swim trunks. the razors i could care less about tbh cause she pays for them but still

ughh. kinda glad i'll probably commute to college cause rooming with someone would probably get awkward in several ways.

she also doesn't seem to believe in mental illness. which. while im self diagnosing and mostly guessing at what's wrong with me i am about 100% certain i have trichotillomania (hair pulling compulsion) because. yknow i fucking do that and have a giant bald patch on my head. and she will just be like "why don't you just stop?" and "use some self control" etc. recently i've decided to just stop showing her my hair (i wear a hat a lot) because it really just makes me feel worse and it's not her fucking business. she keeps asking anyway but i'm just gonna keep telling her no until it grows back. she literally can't do anything to help and only makes me feel worse about it

another thing i'm less sure about is the possible cyclothymia / mild bipolar i may have. i mentioned it to her and she thinks it's just mood swings, which, it might be, but this has been happening for a long time. so much in fact that i've projected it onto my ocs. plague as a character started off as a 'normal' mask of myself but gb (who was based off my irl appearance but. whiter) had two characterizations that i swapped between inconsistently. can u guess what they were. yeah. depressed/apathetic and extremely manic, deranged even. looking back i see the patterns of depression and extreme interest in media/characters/other stuff i've had. even if i would hide it irl i'd have weeks where i stayed up until 3 or 4 multiple days in a row just because i couldn't stop playing a game or reading or i just had this amazing idea and i have to write/draw it right now or i will explode. sleep is for the weak. etc. and then i'll have weeks where i can't look any of my teachers in the eye and am too tired of caring to shower or do laundry or anything beyond the bare minimum chores and wake up in the morning skip breakfast and walk to the bus stop contemplating if it's worth it to still be alive. at least when i'm excited i'll do essential stuff just so i can get back to the fixation again. it's so fucking stupid. "yeah sorry i havent worked on my essay in six weeks because i was too busy doing random shit and/or thinking about dying but was too pussy to actually do anything sorry"

that and the anxiety spirals. those were pretty bad for a while. like. someone told me they wanted to play games with me and i said yes. then they didn't reply for forty minutes and i just. kept thinking i did something wrong or misunderstood their message or otherwise fucked up but turns out they just forgot they messaged me. haha. yeah totally normal reaction there plague.

i can't tell if there's something seriously wrong with me or not but i don't want to tell my therapist about it because i don't want to get institutionalized or something. and my mom is anti medication too. yippee. maybe it's too much to hope some drug will make me stop having days where i can't fucking do anything for literally no reason but i don't know how to fix myself otherwise.

oh and i mentioned to my mom very vaguely a time where i overshared some suicidal thoughts and proceeded to spiral for like 5 hours straight over getting no response and ultimately dipped from a friend group for a while and now she wants to know the details. i literally told you i didn't even tell my therapist the whole story what gives you the right to know? huh?

i don't know if i'm normal. i feel like i'm not but i might just be overreacting and being edgy. i also have definitely have experienced impostor syndrome about several things in the past so i clearly can't trust my own judgement on either thing.

i also don't think i love my family. they don't really matter that much to me anymore. i think i felt something for them when i was younger but it's just not there anymore. my mom simply does not understand a lot of things and i think i see her on the same level as a friend, maybe. we talk and spend time civilly but there is nothing deeper there on my end. i've tried explaining it to her but i don't think she gets it. i really feel nothing more for her than for my school friends.

my siblings i've never been very close to anyway. i don't feel like i can talk to either of them about much anymore. with brother i can sometimes but i only reference certain stuff through jokes. yeah look at this funny stan blog i made for this vtuber that i've been thinking about nonstop for the last two weeks because i can't tell the difference between a crush, admiration, gender envy and aesthetic appreciation of his avatar. i'm so silly and not mentally ill at all.

there's no one who's an appropriate audience for this huh. ok. mental illness blog it is

0 notes

iwannaban0nym0us · 1 year

Text

good god it’s been a hell of a day week month and all I want to do is go to bed rn but no i have a stupid english essay that i’m struggling to write

shit about today below (tw mention of queer hate crime + f slur)

so first of all i got up early for trans awareness week (small celebration at school) and that was fun and chill and I got donuts

then i had class and both of my morning classes ended up being work periods and I tried to get shit done but i just couldn’t and ended up getting very little done

then at lunch i chilled with my friends and we complained about thanksgiving and extended family and shit

oh and then I dragged one of my friends to go their soccer uniform (since their first game was also today) and I tried again to get a men’s uniform but I got told no again, this time because not all of the boys have their uniforms yet

then my afternoon classes were also both mostly fucking work periods and I was slightly more productive during them

then things started to go to shit, with a few min left in class I get an email that went out to the QSU (Queer Student Union) mailing list about a hate crime that happened in one of the few gender neutral bathrooms and what is being done about it (at this point this is the first time I’m learning that anything happened)

class ends and i start talking with my friends passing my phone around trying to figure out if anyone knows anything or saw anything and no one does

then i run by the shop and see if the teacher i set up a meeting with is out of her meeting yet, she isn’t so i start talking with another teacher after that I go back to my friends

I end up finding another friend who is able to show me a photo of what was etched into something in the bathroom and read “Abbot f-slur FL” then I have to run to my meeting with the teacher but let my other friends know that i have stuff to fill them in on after the meeting

during the meeting i’m finally able to figure out why stupid arduino is being dumb (it gave me an error for no reason and my code was actually working all along it was just too simple to tell)

anyway then I go back to my friends and tell them what the image was and then I have to run and get changed for my soccer game

i get changed and remember that I fucking hate my game shorts because they’re women’s and too short for comfort

so then i return to my friends and i’m a fucking ball of anxiety at this point, 5 different school assignments running through my head, the fucking hate crime, my fucking uniform, our first game of the season and a van to the game that i can’t miss

Then I step away from my friends to say hi to the soccer coach who’s on campus and he fills me in on what he’s thinking for the starting back 4 as I’m the starting keeper and know who imma be playing with and what their skill set is is really helpful especially since this is the first game of the season and neither of the center defenders from last year will be at this game (one graduation the other just couldn’t make it)

Then I notice one the QSU student leads who’s also on the soccer team talking to the counselor (one of the teacher leads of QSU) who I reached out to about the whole uniform thing, so I walk over join the conversation and mention the the counselor that she never replied to my email about the uniforms so then the conversation shifts to that

She asks if the answer I got was just a no so i tell her how it was a ‘no, it has to match’ which is very dumb and the QSU lead backs me up on this, especially since I’m a goalie and like I should have different shorts and so the counselor asks if anything can be done now and I’m like ‘the jersey is fine for today since we’re wearing the less bad one but some different shorts would be great’ after hearing that she puts the previous conversation (about the hate crime) on hold and decides to focus on my issue for a bit because it’s something that can actually be resolved

She ends up getting the dean of student life (gonna call him DSL for short) and he asks me where the uniforms are and what my size is and he uses his master key to unlock the athletics office and get me some mens shorts behind the athletics department’s backs, DSL tells me that I should give him the shorts back tomorrow and he’ll return them to athletics and deal with any backlash from his choices

After that I rush to switch my shorts (which feel a hell of a lot better btw) and then shove the rest of my stuff in my bag and run to make the van to the game

The van ride there was boring and normal, the game on the other hand, the game was something

We got there early enough to see the last couple min of the first half of our boys team playing the same school as we did, they went into halftime down 3-0 we had to start warming up before they finished but the final score was 5-0 I think

Our warmups were normal or as normal as they can be with a new generation of this team and not much space (since the boys game was still going)

Before the game started our coach had to let us know that this school’s marching band thought that they had the field and were trying to get us to the cut the game short (since they couldn’t just not let us play) my coach was trying for a 70min game (vs the normal 80min) but we ended up playing a 60min game

We started out strong, with one of the freshmen scoring after not too long and dominating the game so much that all I did was a lot of yelling and a bit of passing, at one point they were down to 9 players so we dropped to 10 and played with a 3 back, even with that we ended up going into halftime 4-0

At halftime coach gave us a similar speech to what we’ve heard before (about backing off when up by so much) with the slight twist that this school is one of the ones that hates to lose to a D5 (the lowest division) school and would absolutely be willing to just call the game if we score too much especially with their marching band waiting (who gave us some nice background music through the game) so we decided to start with the 3 back and we weren’t allowed to score until the coach made subs but even then we were still holding back and couldn’t shoot inside the box

We ended up scoring one more (really pretty goal) and ended the game 5-0

Despite doing almost nothing it was a really fun game and reminded me how supportive and uplifting my school team is and how fun it is to play with such a good passing team

#me #personal #shit went down #personal shit #vent #trans #soccer

1 note · View note

olderthannetfic · 2 years

Note

Are there any openly trans guys from the mailing list/zine fan eras? I can’t believe that the LJ/tumblr fan generations would have been the first to use fic and fannish spaces to help sort out our own genders, but I don’t hear anyone talking about older guys. Idk, don’t want details on anyone who doesn’t want the info out there and I wouldn’t be surprised if people want privacy, just wondering… how much of that kind of history is actually there? How much old slash meta is like those 90s queer/butch essay collections where it keeps being like oh hm that author’s last name and writing style are familiar, guess this really is an old essay… :P

Not that I can think of, but that proves nothing.

How often do you hear anybody on tumblr discussing anything pre-LJ?

I don't mean "K/S is where slash fandom started" quotes from Fanlore: I mean personal experience. There was spockslash (RIP, legend!). There are a few people who talk about the zine era occasionally. There's almost nobody who talks about usenet or mailing lists from first hand experience. When we went to rescue yahoo groups, it was hard to get anyone to give a fuck because almost all of the Olds on Tumblr are LJ era Olds.

Pre-LJ Olds who are still in fandom are on Facebook.

One thing to keep in mind is that the 25-year-old trans guys often came out like five years ago...

And the 35- and 55-year-old trans guys also often came out like five years ago.

I went looking for Gender Stuff in the 90s, and it was all about trans women who wanted bottom surgery and experienced dysphoria. That wasn't even a gatekeepery jerkface thing back then. It's just where the understanding of transness was at. I think writings about trans men lagged behind a lot of other queer stuff, and a lot of trans dudes didn't figure themselves out until pretty recently.

I mean, you clearly know all this if you're referencing butch essay collections, but just saying. For posterity. Or the Youths™ or whatever.

I think there can be a disconnect in trans guys' spaces where the younger guys are looking to the older guys as mentor figures, but the older guys are just as early in their transition process and don't have the spoons, let alone the experience, to be that for them. (This is a complaint I've heard from guys I know.)

My guess is that that history is not there in the sense that I suspect any such dude had not figured out he was a dude during the zine era. It wouldn't just be that he was closeted. It would likely be that he didn't know at the time and figured it out with everybody else in the 00s or 10s. But that's a guess.

The further back you go in zines, the smaller the population. We're talking a few hundred to a few thousand people depending on which bit you're looking at, not the hundreds of thousands on LJ or the millions on FFN and AO3. So while I assume there's somebody, it might be like one single dude. Surveys suggest enbies are more common than trans men in fandom, and when we're dealing with such a small population back in ye olden times, that probable percentage doesn't add up to a lot of people. Out of our handful of hypothetical guys, are they still in fandom? Are they still alive? Will they have told me about their gender? There could totally be a dude I even know from cons or something, and if I haven't run into him in the past few years, I'd never know.

I can think of a few nbs, including one who lived as a trans man for a while before discovering that nonbinary was even an option, but I'd have to go check on exactly when they got into fandom. They might be more LJ than mailing list.

There are totally oldschool zine people who wrote m/m who explain it by going "Oh, I've always felt like a man inside", like whatevs, no big, don't all women feel this way?

If you wanted to interview an out trans man of the zine era, I don't know if I could direct you to one off the top of my head, but yeah, old-ass fandom sounds a lot like more recent fandom. I'm sure there's a fandom Patrick Califia kicking around somewhere. And if there isn't, maybe next year.

For a pro writer example, Billy Martin, formerly Poppy Z. Brite is an interesting dude. His 90s gothic horror books were such BL-flavor m/m, and slash fandom loved them back in the day. He was kind of an ass about fanfic, so I assume he wasn't in fandom, but you wouldn't know it from his books. Not quite what you asked about, but adjacent.

Fellow Olds, am I forgetting someone obvious? Anybody want to come out as Trans Fandom Grandpa to the Youths?

170 notes · View notes

peachbear88 · 3 years

Text

The Greatest Love Story

A/N: Inspired by this lovely image I saw. I'm making this into a high school angst AU that takes place in like the 1900's. For the record, I know Steve isn't a bad person but this is an AU and I need one of those... You know, guys for this story so.... Yeah! Sorry! BTW, the second poem is not written by me, it's written by Elizabeth Barrett Browning and I stole some quotes from Shakespeare.

Warnings: Angst, homophobia, swearing, character death.

Word Count: 3.2k

Pairing: Yelena Belova x Reader

----------

You scale the ancient wooden stairs of your small school. avoiding eye contact with anyone. The stares you receive from others are painfully obvious as you speed walk towards the library, seeking shelter from the judgmental glances from your peers.

"Hello dear," the kind librarian greets you as you walk past her towards your corner of the library.

You don't respond, quickly ducking behind the massive shelves, hoping to spend as much time as possible in your safe space before the classes start. Placing back your old books, you scan the shelves, until a particular title catches your eye.

"Love Poems by Women?" You murmur, flipping through the worn pages.

----------

A giant dusty book lands on the librarian's desk, making her look up.

"May I take this out?" You ask, your tone emotionless, cold yet tentative. The librarian smiles gently at you handing you back the book.

"Of course dear. Happy reading." You give her a small, thankful smile before dashing out of the library door. The halls are partially empty, save for the kids that skip class, hanging around in the hallways and dark alleys after school.

You duck your head, avoiding eye contact as you pass the group leaning against the lockers, most importantly, the hazel eyed beauty that could snap your neck in half, Yelena Belova.

"Hey!" Your head snaps up. Big mistake. You lock eyes with the famed blonde and you drop your head immediately, a faint blush creeping up your cheeks.

"Y-Yes?"

"Look at me when I'm talking to you." She snaps. You peek at her from the corner of your eye, her sleek dress pants catching your eye.

"Interesting outfit choice," you note before you can stop yourself.

"What did you say?" She demands and you gulp, backing away.

"N-nothing." She slowly steps towards you, backing you into the lockers.

"Get to class. And don't ever let me see you again идиот (idiot)." You hurry down the hall towards your classroom, tripping in the process as you repeatedly look over your shoulder, watching as Yelena turns back to her friend group.

---------

"She was cute," Natasha points out as Yelena reclaims her spot leaning against the lockers. "Why do you feel the need to tease her so relentlessly?" Yelena rolls her eyes, grabbing the flask of vodka back from her sister.

"She's annoying. I don't like her." Natasha smirks.

"Sure. Whatever you say."

---------

You let out a sigh of relief when the bell rings.

Your classmates flood out of the classroom, jostling each other aside in their rush to get home. You quickly sprint out the door, eager to get home, safe and sound when a hand grabs you by the arm and pulls you into a dark alley behind the school.

"Hello there girly..." A deep voice says. You gulp. The boy steps into the light to reveal Steve Rogers. One of those people that take pride in hurting others, a bully, your tormenter.

"W-what do you want?" He smirks, stepping closer to you.

"Well, a little birdie told me that someone had an encounter with a specific blonde this morning." You flinch when he grabs you by the throat, pinning you to the wall. "You wouldn't happen to be... I don't know, one of those dykes would you?" Your eyes widen and you shake your head vigorously as he laughs. "Oh man," he sputters, choking through his laughter. "Wait till the school gets ahold of this-"

He doesn't get to finish his sentence because a fist connects with his face, sending him reeling backwards.

"What the-" A strong hand wraps around his throat, pushing him backwards till his back connects with the wall.

"Listen to me you маленькое дерьмо (little shit), if you ever even think about coming near her again, I will sneak into your house at night, gut you like the fish you are and paint the school with them." Yelena warns in a surprisingly calm voice. Steve's eyes widen and he nods his head frantically until she lets go.

"Crazy bitch!" He spits, backing away quickly. You shuffle your feet, looking down at the ground as she watches him run.

"T-thank you." You mutter, not daring to look her in the eye. She sighs.

"This better not become a daily thing Y/L/N." You nod feebly. "Get out of here." You quickly pick your bag back up and sprint out of the alley, leaving Yelena by herself,

---------

"I'm home mom!"

"Welcome home sweetie!" Your mom pokes her head out of the living room.

"How's your book going?"

"As great as a woman writing a book can be." She chuckles forcibly. There's an awkward silence before she continues. "Your father came by today." She pauses as you swallow, feeling like something lodged itself in your throat.

"And what did he want?" She frowns at your tone.

"Sweetie, I know you don't like him but he's still your fa-"

"I don't have a dad," you growl, picking up your bag. "My dad died when he chose to abandon us." She watches as you climb up the stairs, sighing and rubbing her temple.

---------

You flop onto your bed, dropping the thick dusty buck onto the bed. You spend the rest of the afternoon reading through the poems until your mom calls you down for dinner.

It's an awkward dinner, quiet, only the sounds of dishes, chewing and utensils filling the room.

"I'm going to bed." You say after washing the dishes, not bothering to wait for a response.

That night, you lay in bed, staring at the ceiling of your room.

"Love poems by women." You mutter, an idea popping into your head. You quickly sit up, flicking on your lamp and pulling out the book and a pen.

----------

"Good morning dear," the librarian greets you like she does every morning.

"I'd like to return this book." You reply coldly, passing her the book once again. She smiles gently at you.

"I hope you enjoyed your reading." She says while passing you, returning the book to its original shelf.

-----------

"Hello hon, can I help you with anything?" The librarian asks the dirty-blonde haired girl.

"No, thank you." The girl sends the librarian a tight lipped smile before returning her attention to the shelves. A ripped leather cover catches her attention. Love Poems by Women. She smiles, pulling the book from the shelf. Flipping open to the title page, a neat cursive catches her eyes.

Love flows between beings Gift from the gods Curse from the demons The missing part of every person Destined to be opposites Love is flexible Yet some seek to objectify love Love is not for the weak willed. - Aristophanes

The blonde haired girl hums, pulling a pen from her jacket's pocket and discreetly writing in the book, right next to the poem.

------------

Terrible.

That's the only way to describe your day. You received your essay back, ecstatic to see that you had received an A. Steve on the other hand had absolutely flunked. Instead of dedicating his time to studying, he decided to beat you up as a way of taking out his frustration.

You ended up limping out of the women's toilet, your leg flaring up whenever you moved, tears threatening to fall from your eyes.

"Hi sweetcheeks," the librarian murmurs, her eyes trailing down your injured leg.

"'Ello." You quickly duck behind the shelves, pulling out the book you were looking for. Your brows scrunch together in confusion as you see a messier scrawl next to your handwriting.

Reality hits hard

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I love thee to the depth and breadth and height My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight For the ends of being and ideal grace. I love thee to the level of every day's Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light. I love thee freely, as men strive for right. I love thee purely, as they turn from praise. I love thee with the passion put to use In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith. I love thee with a love I seemed to lose With my lost saints. I love thee with the breath, Smiles, tears, of all my life; and, if God choose, I shall but love thee better after death.

- Orpheus

You smile letting a light laugh slip from your lips. A sweet titter revealing the little girl underneath your cold, traumatized exterior.

Quickly, you grab your pen from your pocket and begin scribbling.

-----------

The air is knocked from your body as your back makes contact with the floor.

"Listen here dyke. I don't like you alright," Steve growls into your ear as Tony cracks his knuckles. "So here's what's going to happen: Everyday you're going to meet us here and," he pauses, cracking his neck. "Help us relive some stress." He smiles wickedly before punching you in the stomach, making you double over in pain.

Your eyes flutter shut as they deliver blow after blow 'till they finally stop. You tentatively open your eyes to see Yelena tackling Steve to the ground as Tony stares at them, eyes wide.

"I. Told. You. To. Leave. Her. Alone!" She screams, pummeling Steve with her fists. He groans, unmoving. You watch in terror as Tony picks up a trash can lid, sneaking up behind her as she punches Steve in the face.

"Watch out!" You scream, taking Tony as well yourself by surprise. She looks up to see you slamming into Tony sending him flying into the nearby wall of the alley.

He crumples, unconscious.

"Are you okay?" You mumble, limping towards Yelena, who's clutching a blood gash on her arm.

"'M fine,' she grits out. You shake your head, grabbing her wrist. She flinches but doesn't push you away.

"You're not okay. Let me help you." You plead. She stays silent and you quickly take her silence as a yes, leading her to the front steps of your home. You rummage through your back pack, finding a large wrap of bandages that you kept after your daily beating from Rogers and his friends.

She winces as you wrap her wound swiftly.

"Gentle!" She growls and you stare back at her defiantly.

"Well maybe if you would stop moving, it'd hurt less!" You retort and she shuts up, staring off into the distance. You dab the cut with a small bit of alcohol before wrapping the bandage all around her arm.

"Thank you." She whispers, giving you a small smile. Reaching out, she gently tucks a strand of hair behind your ear as you flinch back. You quickly, shovel the bandages and medicinal alcohol back into your pack, not noticing the hurt look on her face.

"No problem. The least I could do since you saved me." You reply bluntly, swinging the bag over your shoulder and slipping through the door.

"Wait-" She sighs as the door slams shut in front of her.

You exhale, leaning against the door as you try to catch your breath.

-----------

Yelena sighs exasperatedly, tugging at the collar of her dress shirt.

"What's wrong little sis?" Natasha smirks, plopping down next to her.

"I got hurt and Y/N patched me up." Natasha jumps up, eyes wide.

"You stained your new shirt?" She groans shaking Yelena violently. "God I'm going to kill you!" Yelena grabs her sister, stopping her.

"You're missing the point!"

"Oh yeah? And what's that?" Nat challenges, flopping back down on to the couch.

"She patched me up!" Nat's eyes widen.

"Oh. Oh." She inches closer to her sister, nudging her playfully, much to Yelena's dislike. "So are y'all like," she winks at her sister insinuatingly. "A thing?" Yelena scrunches her brows in confusion.

"A thing?" Nat rolls her eyes, sidling closer to her.

"Yes. A thing. An item? Lovers?" She shrugs, missing the way Yelena blushes.

"In her dreams," Yelena snorts, leaning back into the couch.

"If you say so..."

-----------

"Morning pumpkin!" The librarian chirps.

The blonde girl ignores her, breezing past her towards the the shelves at the very back, peeking over her shoulder quickly before pulling an old, leather bound book from the shelf.

She flips the leather cover aside to reveal the title page. Next to her messy, distorted scrawl was a neat, distinctive cursive once again.

Speak low if you speak love

- Aristophanes

She smiles gently, chuckling as she shakes her head.

"Shakespeare of all people," she whispers, her accent thickening. Pulling a forgotten pen from the shelves, she begins writing,

-----------

The highlight of your day became going to the library and reading the little messages scrawled in between the margins of the book by Orpheus. Like:

If music be the food of love, play on

Her passions are made of nothing but the finest part of pure love.

They made you smile on a daily basis, sometimes even eliciting a rare light laugh.

"Good morning sweetpea." The librarian greets you, not expecting a response. To her surprise and yours, you muster a small smile and a wave.

"Hello." You can feel the librarians shocked eyes following you as you round the bookshelf corner to find Steve, eyes wide, mouth open in shock as he stares down at something in his hands.

Your heart plummets. A book with a soft leather cover, yellowed pages. The book of poems.

You lunge for it but he step sides you swiftly, raising the book above his head.

"Speak low if you speak of love huh? I'm not surprised you know Shakespeare, you're such a nerd." He sneers, waving the book above his head.

"I-I don't know what you're talking about." You stutter, backing up. He grabs you by the collar of your shirt, lifting you into the air.

"Don't fuck with me!" He growls, dropping the book and kicking it to the side. "Who's Orpheus?"

"G-Greek hero. Musician." You stutter and he slaps you, hard. You can feel your cheek swelling under his fiery gaze.

"Don't even try me. Who. Is. Orpheus?"

"I don't know, I swear!" You mutter, wincing when you accidentally bite your cheek.

He drops you, watching as you scramble to your feet, backing away.

"This isn't over you little shit. I'll be back for you," he warns, giving your book one last kick for good measure before storming out of the library with Tony and Bucky on his heels.

You fall to your knees, silently sobbing as you crawl over too the book, dusting it off and hugging it to your chest.

Yelena sighs, her heart breaking as she watches you curl around the book protectively, lying on the floor.

-----------

"Where are you going?"

Yelena turns to find Nat, leaning against the school stairwell doorway, watching her.

"Just up to the roof. Need some fresh air," she lies, avoiding Nat's gaze. Nat lifts Yelena's chin up, staring into her eyes, boring into her very soul. Yelena squirms under her gaze until she finally lets go.

"Okay."

"Okay?"

"Okay." She smiles sadly at her little sister. "Just-" Her voice cracks as she pats her sister's shoulder. "Don't do anything stupid."

"Don't worry. I won't." She gives Nat a brief hug before hiking her pants up and starting up the stairs.

-----------

"Ah, well look who decided to join the party!" You look up from the ground to see Yelena, your eyes clouded with pain.

"No..." You croak but Steve pays no attention to you.

"Come to save your love Yelena?" He sneers, dropping you to the ground. "Or should I say... Orpheus?" Your eyes widen as you watch him advance towards her, pushing her closer to the edge of the roof.

"I don't know what you're talking about." She deadpans and Steve chuckles.

"Sure. If you won't admit, I'll just have to settle for destroying you from the inside out instead." He grabs her by the arm. "I haven't forgotten what you did to me." He points at a long thin scar along his jawline.

You watch as Tony sneaks up from behind Yelena, striking her with a metal bar. She crumples, falling to her knees.

"Hold her." Steve directs and Bucky dutifully grabs you by the arms. He holds Yelena's chin in between his thumb and forefinger, forcing her to look at him. "Now you watch as I destroy the one thing you love the most." Tony tosses his the metal bar and Steve prepares himself before swinging it like a baseball bat.

There's a sickening crunch followed by your scream as the bar makes contact with your ribs.

"Stop!" She struggles, her eyes never leaving your broken body as he hits you over and over again. "Please! Leave her alone!"

Steve smiles evilly, locking eyes with her before swinging the bat again. Another scream. Blood trickles down your face from your nose.

"Is that right? Did the famous Yelena Belova just beg me?" He smiles cruelly before pushing you down on your back, his foot on your chest. You scream as he increases the pressure, your broken ribs digging into your lungs.

Yelena screams, kicking Tony's legs out from under him before punching Steve in the jaw. She grabs the iron bar before it hits the ground, clobbering Bucky in the stomach before kicking Steve in the stomach.

"ты сука (you bitch)!" She steps on his face swiftly, taking satisfaction in the groan of pain he emits before turning to you, gently cradling your face.

"Wow... That was pretty badass," you mumble and she laughs, tearing up. You reach out, wiping the tears from her eyes. "Don't cry." She frowns.

"I'm not crying."

"You are too." You smile, wincing in pain. "I didn't know you knew Shakespeare."

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have let this happen." You frown, caressing her face, forcing her to look at you.

"Hey, hey. It's fine. Don't worry. I'll be fine." You attempt to smile reassuringly but it comes out as more of a grimace. "Listen, if I don't make it-"

"Don't say that! You can't leave me!"

"Shush, listen you thickheaded poet. If I don't make it, go back to the book." You instruct her. She frowns but you can her off. "Promise me."

"But-"

"Promise me."

"I promise..."

"Good." You smile at her, pressing a gentle kiss to her forehead, your eyesight blurring. "Wait for me okay?" Your eyes flutter shut.

"No! No Y/N! Come back!" She shakes you roughly, sobbing when you don't respond.

----------

Yelena watches as your body is carted off under a white sheet. Nat stands to the side, watching as her sister stares off into the distance, all life drained from her body.

Go back to the book.

She stands, slowly trailing towards the library, her eyes bloodshot, cheeks caked with dry tears.

"Hi dear," the librarian greets her, discreetly wiping her eyes with a handkerchief. "What a shame. She was a lovely girl."

"She really was the best." Yelena agrees quietly, giving the librarian a small, comforting pat on the back before moving to the back of the library where she finds the book, lying on the floor.

Yelena,

I believe that we are the greatest love poem ever written. I love you always,

Y/N

A choked sob escapes her lips as she stares at the page. You knew. You knew the whole time and you didn't even say anything. A pair of soft arms wrap around Yelena's stomach as she lets go of the dam, her cries echoing throughout the library.

"I'm sorry..."

I'm sorry...

----------

Taglist: @username23345 @musicinourlips @gingerbreadcookieforlife @xxxtwilightaxelxxx @trikruismybitch @ima-gi--na-tion @nicole-rayleigh-hot @olsensnpm @peabrain112

#yelena belova x reader #yelena belova x you

145 notes · View notes

writingabouteverything · 3 years

Text

The Perfect White Flower--and Other Nonexistent Things

a/n YALL THIS IS PROBABLY DUMB BUT I HAD THIS IDEA ABOUT A HARRY STYLES X READER FIC THATS BASED ON THE PLOT OF JANE THE VIRGIN AND I WANTED TO WRITE IT SO BADLY I MADE THIS ACCOUNT

disclaimer--wont follow the show exactly

Pairing: Harry Styles x latina! reader (a key factor of the show revolves around the lead being latina, and im latina and honestly love writing for us but anyone can still read and understand/hopefully enjoy and the fic doesn’t involve any physical descriptions:))

Series Summary: Y/n l/n has had the world figured out since she was a child. She won’t be a writer because it’s risky, she’ll just focus on school and becoming a teacher. She’s never been a child, because her mother had her at sixteen and hasn’t aged a single year since. That’s part of the reason the promise she made to her grandmother means so much to her--if she doesn’t have sex before marriage, her child will never have to grow up as quickly as she did. And Harry Styles is at the top of the world--his music has never been more successful, he has a lovely girlfriend, and he’s never been more in demand. He has everything in the world...except a child, and through a series of unbelievable events--y/n might be his only chance to have one. Ever.

Chapter One Summary: Who knew getting a pap smear on two hours of sleep and three cups of coffee was as bad as having unprotected sex?

There’s something dangerous about taking public transportation in LA. And no, I don’t mean it in the ‘there are bad people in the world’ type of way. I mean it in the ‘I live in one of the casual influencer, celebrity, tourist hubs of the world and each time I step onto the bus I find myself mesmerized by all the stories I see in them’ way. Kind of pathetic, I know, but sometimes a child with blonde pig tails or a woman streaming on instagram live will catch my eye and the urge to pull out my lap top and start something I’ll never finish.

I know that writing isn’t some kind of disease. But I can’t let myself fall in love with it the way I want to. There’s nothing wrong with writing a short story or two, but trying to write a novel? That’s impractical. It will distract me from school, from the four year plan I’m almost done with.

Sighing, I brave taking at my surroundings. I deserve this today, after the anonymous, rude costumer at the hotel today, I need positivity. No one is particularly inspiring. The bus stops and I watch out the window. At first the crowd is ordinary, and then i see them...paparazzi. Flashing cameras from all angles, grown men violating all rules of personal space. It never sits right with me, but I guess it’s just part of living in LA. The bus starts moving again. When it stops again, I see even more paparazzis, but their cameras aren’t flashing. Good for whoever escaped that.

The bus door opens and I snap my attention back to my computer screen. I rub my eyes as I stare at my word document. How is there more that needs to be edited? This professor is the harshest grader I’ve ever had, and my friend, Gisa, is kind for giving me even more notes. But I’m exhausted. Two tests and an essay due before 12:00. And it’s...11:38. Great--I have to upload it the second I’m at my doctor’s office and have WiFi again.

I spend some time highlighting and rewording sentences, and once I’m done I reward myself with more people watching because I deserve it and I can’t fall asleep here. I’m kind of invested in the girl live streaming her bus ride...maybe she’ll say her instagram handle.

But when I look up, she’s not on the bus anymore. Almost no one is. An elderly couple is sitting towards the back. A woman with a toddler sit two rows in front of me...and there’s now a man directly across from me. I blink for a moment, imagining a story for someone who’s face I can’t quite see beneath such dark sun glasses. His dark waves and strong jaw do most of the imagining for me--he deserves a mystery, a dramatic one with a happy ending and just enough romance to keep the people interested. A good romance, too--not too sappy. Enemies to lovers, maybe. A mysterious stranger that’s not really a stranger because something about him is just...familiar.

He turns his head and I drop my gaze immediately. There’s no doubt he caught that, but I still pretend to edit the title of my essay. “You’ve been typing stubbornly since I first got on the bus.” There’s an accent--of course he’s english. But it’s more than that, I’ve heard that voice before. I’ve been...soothed by it. And--oh my god, I’m sitting across from Harry Styles.

Okay, don’t freak out. Don’t freak him out. He’s probably on here to escape the the whole ‘oh my god, you’re Harry Styles!’ thing.

“What are you writing?” Harry Styles just spoke to me. I greeted my one direction poster every single day in middle school, and Harry Styles just spoke to me. Okay--relax, breathe--it’s only weird if you make it weird.

There’s a kind of curt curiosity to his question. He could have been ruder, considering how blatantly I was staring at him. “I um...an essay.” I’m temped to turn the screen so that he can see I’m telling the truth. Though he wasn’t hostile, a part of me is paranoid that he thinks I am writing about him. It’s a fair assumption, for all he knows I’m drafting a tweet about who I saw on the bus this morning or preparing to send something in to some gossip girl-esque blog. “It’s due today at noon and normally I’m way more on top of things, but I had this last minute doctor’s appointment rescheduling because my usual doctor is out of town and--” I cut myself off before I can tell Harry Styles that I’m ovulating and that if I don’t go to my OBGYN now, I have to wait an entire month and I’ve already been off birth control longer than I’d like. I might not have actual sex in my near future, but my cramps have been extra terrible. “An essay, I just finished an essay.”

He nods once. Maybe he feels bad for so thoroughly startling me into such a rambling, because the corner of his mouth tilts upwards. A soft smile adds even more grace to his features, I focus on the dimple that appears in his cheek. “An aggravating essay, I take it, considering the death glares you’ve been giving your laptop screen.”

I smile at his polite humor. “It’s for the harshest grader on campus. She took three points off of my first essay freshman year because I spaced my bibliography wrong.”

He cringes in sympathy. “Good luck.”

“Thanks,” I hum, proud of myself for not letting him know that I know who he is. The bus stops, I can see my doctor’s office behind a few paparazzi. “This is my stop.”

Harry nods once, ducking his head slightly. A tiny part of me feels sympathy for him; from what I’ve gathered, he genuinely loves his fans and the relationship they have, but it must be draining to never have a moment of privacy. Especially when it’s people who care more about selling your picture than your mental health.

I linger on the bus’s step, watching the men with large cameras look around. “Excuse me, are you guys looking for Harry Styles?” Most of the men disregard me, but one looks at me. “I know he’s near here because I’m a really big fan and my friend just texted that she saw him.” This gets me the attention I wanted. “He’s at Northfield--a cafe like three blocks down. I just know that if she got a picture with Harry in like a magazine or something she’d totally lose it--in a good way, and she’s been having a bad time so if you see her can you try to make it happen? Knowing her she’ll be at his side, she’s blonde, shortish hair.”

The men seem skeptical, but I guess they realize that this is the best lead they have. I think the fact that I gave a reason to justify selling Harry out for no reason helped. They disperse together, heading at least three blocks away from Harry. I don’t know if I’ve actually helped him, but I hope I have.

“Essay girl.” I freeze, half cringing. Did he hear that? That’s embarrassing. I consider darting away, but decide that would just make me cringe more. So I turn on my heels. “You...you forgot your phone.”

He just saved my life. “Thank you.” I take my phone from his outstretched hand, ignoring the slight thrill that runs through me when our fingers brush. “You’re my hero--the last thing I needed today was to run all over the city searching for my phone.” I finish the awkward admission with a partial laugh.

“Least I could do,” he mumbles, “especially considering what you just did.”

...He did see that. “Oh um--it was nothing, I just kind of made a connection and assumed the only reason you’d be on a public bus is because you were trying to avoid some things, and you make really great music and a lot of people happy, so you deserve that break.” Why does it feel like I’ve been talking forever? “Anyways, thanks for the whole phone thing, and I hope I got them off your tail.”

My joke seems to somewhat land. His lips part, like he’s planning on saying something else. A timer on my phone interrupts him. I instinctually look down--great, the alarm on my phone warning me that I’m only ten minutes away from being late. “I’m late.” I turn towards the bus’s exit. “I gotta go, but thanks again, and I hope you have a good day.”

I disappear after that, still not sure that that whole thing wasn’t some kind of hallucination. Did I just meet Harry Styles? He...he gave me my phone. Harry Styles has touched my phone. I can’t wait to tell Gisa, she’ll lose it.

I’m still thinking about Harry Styles when I finally reach my OBGYN’s office. When I get there, things are a lot more hectic than I thought they’d be. Many people crowd the waiting area and the receptionist’s desk is clearly understaffed. Two young girls are trying to address multiple upset pregnant women and take phone calls at the same time, all while practically buried in a sea pf paperwork. Wow, I didn’t realize that transferring was such chaos. One of the girls waves me over and barely checks my name before shoving a form towards me. I fill out as quickly as possible.

I upload my essay quickly after checking in. Who knows, maybe Harry Styles’s blessing will get me an A? A third person in scrubs emerges from the back after a moment and ushers me into a room. I tell myself to focus on going over the facts I need for the test I have to take in a little over an hour. Or to focus on the fact that I just met Harry Styles. But instead, I feel my heavy eyelids fall shut.

I don’t know how long I sleep, but I know that I wake up during the middle of a doctor’s sentence, “...I know I’m not your usual, so I just want to make sure you’re comfortable.”

“Hm...Yeah, yeah I’m comfortable.” She nods once, her wide eyes slightly red. “But I do have a class today in like an hour, so I was wondering if this was going to take longer because of the office’s move?”

“Oh, no,” she shakes her head. “Just because Dr. Rodriguez gave us no notice before deciding that she no longer wanted to work here...or in the country. Or even live in the US, despite the fact that we just signed a lease on a place together...” Tears well in the stranger’s eyes, pity settles in my stomach.

“That sounds incredibly complicated, I didn’t mean to rush you.”

She blinks twice, her expression blanking as she fights against the pain of what’s clearly a terrible break up. “No, no--you have every right. Today is your day and if..honestly, if you’re strong enough to go to a class after this, and do what you’re about to do by yourself, then I’m strong enough to get through today.”

Um...didn’t realize a pap smear counted as something that needs moral support, but I’ll chalk it up to her heightened emotions. “Thanks.”

She snaps on her medical gloves. “No, thank you for your patience. Now lay down.”

I do as told, preparing for a sensation I haven’t often experienced. A moment passes and I know she’s started. She’s moving away from me much faster than expected. Oh--I guess pap smears are a lot shorter than I expected.

“That’s it?”

“Yep,” she hums, pulling her gloves off. “Now just take it easy, and hydrate.”

Weird...but that’s like general doctor advice. “Thanks!”

I’ve never wanted to keep a secret from Gisa, but sometimes I really regret telling her I met Harry Styles. It’s been almost a month and I find my mind wandering back to the moment in which our fingers brushed more than I should. Sometimes I let myself wonder what he might have said if my phone hadn’t rang. I was probably just imagining the way his lips parted, but my ind refuses to let it go.

“...You know it’s kind of sad, I read an interview in which he spoke about the fact that he has some genetic condition that makes it hard to have kids. He has so many godchildren, and I feel like he’d make such a great father.”

I try to keep up with Gisa’s words, but the dull ache in my head makes it feel so far away. “Yeah...he seemed really patient.”

Gisa nods, turning to face me. “You alright, you’re looking kinda green?”

“Yeah...” I reach for my canvas bag. “I think I just...I probably just need some water.”

My hand grazes the metal of my water bottle and then the corners of my vision blur into blackness. I sway, Gisa’s hand is on my shoulder...and then it all goes black.

I sit uncomfortably on the hospital’s cot. Gisa is a traitor for telling my mom that I fainted. I knew she’d just drag me here--hispanic mothers, they either believe they can cure you with vic’s vapor rub or they want you in the ER. No in between.

“I know you didn’t want another test, but you’ve been throwing up in the morning for days and now you’re fainting.”

“Fainted,” I correct, “it happened once.”

“C’mon, mija, it’s just one doctor’s appointment.”

Speaking of, an ER nurse returns. “Fainting and nausea spells explained,” he says, glancing at his clipboard, “you’re pregnant.”

My mom and I can’t help but exchange a look before bursting into laughter. Pregnant. If I’m pregnant then the second coming is here. “That’s impossible, I’m a virgin.”

He glances at my mom, “maybe we should have this conversation in private.”

“No, what you say in front of me you can say in front of my mom.”

My mom raises an eyebrow. “Y/n, did you and that guy from your english class--”

“No! No, we did not. I am a virgin and there’s no way I’m pregnant.” I glare at the nurse.

He then ushers me to a bathroom so that I can provide a urine sample. After I’m finished, he shows me a pregnancy test strip. “Pink means pregnant.” I bite my tongue as he tests the strip in my sample. He pulls it out and it’s...it’s bright pink.

“I’m calling my doctor, because this has to be a mistake. It has to be like a hormonal thing.”

“Exactly, pregnancy hormones.”

I glare even harder, calling the doctor that I saw last week. “Hello, Dr. Ash? I was wondering if I could get a consultation because I’m in the ER and some crazy doctor is trying to tell me I’m pregnant.”

Silence on the line for a long second. “...I actually cleared my calendar for you.”

#harry styles #harry styles x reader #harry styles x y/n #jane the virgin #jane the virgin AU #lot #hslot st louis

77 notes · View notes

iwhishtomeetinournextlife · 3 years

Text

An anonymous lover (part 3)

Summary : Y/N sees Sirius Black running away after a particularly rough letter from his mother. She wants to cheer him up and decide to send him a letter, anymously, she knows how much he hates her house.

Warnings : Slytherin!Reader, female!reader, Sirius and James critisizing Slytherins (and Y/N), not proof read

Word count : 1.9K

Part 1 - Part 2 - You're here - Part 4 - Part 5 - Part 6 - Part 7

English is not my first language, sorry if there is any mistakes

-----------------------------------------------

Y/N had transfiguration class next, it was usually the class were she would sat down next to Lily Evans. The two young women liked each other quite well, they weren’t the closest, each having there own group of friends, but it wasn’t that rare for the two of them to study together, or to talk for hour, saying things they felt they couldn’t tell to the people they were the closest to.

That’s how Y/N found out Lily actually quite liked James Potter, and the rest of the marauders, despite being a bit hard on them. And that’s how Lily found out about some of Y/N’s little secrets, like the chocolate she hides in some classes to snack during lessons or that time she stole back one of her belonging from Finch’s office. Despite being part of his favorite house, the caretaker didn’t liked her much.

When Y/N entered the classroom and greeted her professor, she quickly spoted Lily to sat down with her, her being at their usual stop. But when she was about to put her stuff down, someone else hurried to take the spot. Y/N was about to face the intruder, but her words got stuck in her throat when she saw who it was; Sirius !

“What are doing here, Black ?”, Lily on the other hand, despite being happy to see him again, was not going to let him do what he wants. “What Evans ? Not happy to see me ?”, Sirius did an exagerate pout before throwing an arm around her, “that hurt my feelings, I thought you’d be more caring”

“The sit was already taken !”, Lily tried to push him away, with a hand on his face as he was getting dangerously close. At that, Sirius turned to you, “Oh but you don’t mind, right Y/L/N ?”. Before Y/N was even able to form a thought, McGonagall interrupt them. “If you don’t mind, Miss Y/L/N, I would like to start my class”. She got all red. “Sorry Professor”, she then looked around and sat down at the only seat left, who happen to be right next to James.

Once she was at her seat and Mrs McGonagall started her class, she looked at Sirius and Lily, the black-haired was throwing a big smile at their table, but she was unsure if it was to her as a thank you for the spot –he had stolen-, or to James. Y/N then looked at the boy next to her, a bit confused, shouldn’t it be him trying to sit down next to Lily ? James simply respond with an innocent smile before looking at the whiteboard, to try to pay a bit attention to what the professor was saying.

She looked at Sirius again for a few seconds and smiled to herself, looking at what the professor was writting. She was happy to see Sirius was doing better, was it thanks to her letter ? She blushed at the idea, no, it couldn’t be. Sirius was a strong person, always getting up, he was probably already doing better even before receiving the letter. Maybe he didn’t even got it ! She heard Sirius and Lily talked a bit during class but didn’t think of it to much, he was quite the chatty person, always something to say.

“Shit, can I look at your notes for a sec ? I missed the last bit” James was turned to her, Y/N her eyes widen a little, but then she just chuckled. “Sure” She then turn the paper for him to look; “Th-” but he stop when he looked at it, “wh- How can you read this ?!” he talked a bit too loudly and McGonagall scolded him “Mr Potter quiet !”, “Sorry Professor”.

He turned to her again and talked way more quietly this time, “How can you read this ?”, she smiled and respond with a fake wise man voice “I was there when it was written”, James rolled his eyes and she laught at that, “Here, let me help you”, Y/N told him what was written so he could catch up, he thanked her, the rest of the class went smoothly.

Contrary to what people might think when they found out Y/N loved writing letters, she didn’t actually have much of good handwritting on the daily. When she would send messages, she would take her time, appreciating the moment, but in class ? She had to be quick, write all she could with her own note taking system, if you were able to puzzle out the words it was quite helpful, but only a few people were able to do so.

Even professors had a hard time, it wasn’t as bad as her notes but still could be impossible at moment. Many times have some of them asked her to rewrite the whole essay, one even threaten her to not marked it at all and failed her. After that, she made sure to be just a tad more carring of her homework and tests.

At the end of the period, Y/N calmly put her supplies away, contrary to James who stuffed everything in his bag before joinning Sirius at the door, looking like they were waiting for something. As for Y/N, she went to Lily, they were suppose to study together as class stopped early today –poor Professor Slughorn had a burst of Gargoyle fever-.

“So, do we go to the library ?”, Lily felt a bit embarassed “I’m so sorry Y/N I can’t go today, I have to help Sirius-” she looked over and saw James was there too, she sighed, “-and James with something, is that okay ?”. Y/N’s looked soften, “Of course, there’s no problem ! We could always do that another time”, Lily had a big smile “You’re the best”, Y/N flipped her hair in a faux attempt of looking snob, “I know”, they laughted and then went their separated way after saying goodbye.

-------------------------------------

Lily, Sirius and James all went to the boy’s dorm so she could take a look at the letter, so far, it was Sirius’ best shot to know the identity of his mysterious penpal, he really hoped he will be able to find out who it was.

“Take that smug away Potter, I’m only helping Sirius because he insisted a lot”, James simply put his hand in the air in front of him in a sign of peace, “Of course Evans, don’t you put any worries in that pretty head of yours, I had nothing in mind”.

Before Lily could reply, Sirius put his arm around her shoulders, “You’re a saint Evans ! Thanks you for helping me here, you’re my only chance right now to find the one I’m destined to be with !”, Lily rolled her eyes a bit, “If it’s one of your prank I’m going to hex you so hard your kids will feel it”.

The three students entered the dorm and Sirius sat on his bed. “Yeah yeah, of course, it’s not like you had anything better to do anyway”, Lily open her mouth in disbielive “I was suppose to study with Y/N !”, James scoffed, “Yeah, a slytherin, I don’t understand how you can be friend with her !”. Lily rolled her eyes, an habit she did quite a lot around the marauders, “She’s nice, not all slytherin are death eaters”

It was Sirius’ turn to mock her, “ ’might as well be synonym”. Lily hit him with a pillow, “And what would you do if it’s a slytherin your little anonymous lover ? Or Y/N even ?”. James laughed, “With a pig like handwritting like hers, imossible !”, Lily was now red of irritation from the two young men.

“Show me that dang letter so I can be done with you two !”. Sirius growled a bit and gave it to her, while she was reading he thought of the possibility of a slytherin being the one who send the letter and his nose scrunch at the idea. It wasn’t possible, no slytherin would want to cheer someone up, especially not him, or even to say nice things to anyone.

Then he thought of Y/N. Sure, she never did anything wrong to him, she even was nice enough to listen to him rembled with his anecdotes, she even looked like she was actually listening to him, and she was cute, and she smelled like parchment and roses, and her li-... No, that’s not possible. They barely talk together, never would have she known enough of him to write all those nice words, it was purely a polite relationship.

When Lily finished reading she pinched her nose and then sighed, “I’m sorry Sirius, but I don’t know who send you this”

The boy who was previously abstracedly playing with the “kiss”, jumped out of his bed in one motion to her friend. “What do you mean you don’t know ?? You’re their friend !”. Lily put a hand on his shoulder, “Listen, I didn’t recognize the handwriting, I don’t know anyone who can make drawing moves and the things said are not a secret to any of my friends, I’m sorry”.

Sirius let out a loud growl, throwing his head back, James sympathetically tapping his shoulder. He had such a pityful puppy face, Lily felt bad. This letter was full of love, no denying that, and clearly Sirius wanted to find the one who sended it. “Look, I can give you a list of the friends I talked to the most, that might help narrow it down and I would try to get information, alright ?”

Sirius’ face lighted up and he took Lily and James in a big bear hugs, “Thanks Evans, you really are a saint !”, Lily laught a bit “You already said that”. Sirius winked at her, “We should start with those who write with colored ink maybe ? There shoudn’t be that much people”. James shook his head, ”You don’t remember ? It’s actually very popular, so much, Minnie had to precise light colored ink were prohibited to use on tests and homeworks because some idiots started to use yellow ink”. Sirius had a bit grin on his face, “Then I guess we better get started, Prongs”

And that’s how mission “Anonymous lover” started, the marauders would try to gather information on Lily’s friends, on who might have or might have not write the letter, but they quickly found out none of her close friend had anything to do with it.

----------------------------------------------

The rumors of Sirius searching for a mysterious penpal didn’t took long to reached Y/N. She was a bit shocked, why would he wants to meet her ? She didn’t thought he would tried to find her, she didn’t know what to do, she didn’t want him to be desappointed to found out it’s her. She had talked of it to noone, and she hoped that for now, there were no way to find her, she wanted to think about it for a bit on her own.

After debating with herself for a few day, she decided to have a bit of fun with it, watching Sirius looking for her at the complete wrong place was quite entertaining, and she wanted to try to have a chance to have Sirius to get to know her without the prejudice of her house on the way.

That night, she decided to write, and before classes the next day, she gave the letter to an owl, who would send it at lunch with the other owls. She couldn’t wait to see his face.

-----------------------------

taglist : @blackpinkdolan

#sirius black x reader #marauders x reader #an anonymous lover #sirius x reader

107 notes · View notes