#like that fucked me up in so many ways. most tangibly my bad tooth.

[munch-mumbles]

its been over five years since i blacked out and landed flat on my face and busted my teeth and theyre STILL FUCKED UP!!!!!!!! like the chipped ones got fixed but one of my front ones got completely knocked out of place and never healed right and TO THIS DAY it still gets sore easily if i bite directly on things with it too much THIS FUCKING SUCKS ASS

#FEELING BITTER. why did my spanish teacher think it was a good idea to show her students matadors being gored and horribly injured by bulls #like that fucked me up in so many ways. most tangibly my bad tooth. #but i think that also switched some levers in my head and gave me my current problems with certain brands of gore #its better now with time but i still get squicked out by the smallest most particular things while other types of arguably worse gore are #fine #thanks mrs whatever for freaking me out so bad i passed out and caught myself against the floor with my front teeth #IM SO MAD RIGHT NOW #her deciding to use shock value to convince us bullfighting is bad is going to affect me for the rest of my life #i still vividly remember a pic of a guy who was being dragged around by a horn stabbed up through the soft part of his jaw #were you Trying to like. traumatize us cause i dont know i think it worked #ive had problems passing out when i think too hard about certain types of injury ever since #ive gotten better with time but also not really bc it almost happened again like a month ago #at work #whatever. rolls over WHATEVER i dont even care (cares)

[sohotthateveryonedied]

Chaos and Bloodshed Already Haunt Us

Read here on AO3!

Summary:

Tim and Jason get kidnapped by Black Mask. Jason is too sacrificial for his own good.

Tim has been waking up tied to chairs in strange places since he was thirteen, to the point where he has been kidnapped more times than he’s been to Chuck E. Cheese. When you’re a Wayne kid and a batkid, you learn to accept regular kidnappings as a part of life, just like taxes. Is it so unreasonable that Tim would prefer to wake up in his own bed, for a change? First things first: take stock. Assess the situation. Go from there. Before he’s even opened his eyes, Tim feels for what he’s pretty sure is regular rope keeping his hands tied behind him. Unfortunately, even rope can hold a bat when said bat has no weapons to bail them out, which Tim doesn’t. His utility belt and bandoliers are missing, and any spare tools he has hidden on his person are impossible to reach with the way his arms are wrenched behind him. His fingertips are already tingly, going on numb. “Red? You up?” Tim opens his eyes at the familiar voice. Jason is tied to his own chair across from him, a mirror of Tim’s own situation. The room itself is small—gray walls, cement floor, unmarked crates stacked along the walls. Jason’s helmet is off, exposing the domino he wears underneath. Tim’s mask hasn’t been touched either. “Do you remember what happened or do you need the recap?” Jason asks.

It’s blurry at best, but Tim remembers enough. “Intel mission on Black Mask, right?”

“Started out that way. We got here and I figured out that Sionis was selling weapons to Intergang so we blew the whole shipment to hell.” “You figured it out?” That doesn’t sound right, as fragmented as Tim’s memories are. From the throbbing in the back of his head, he must have been hit pretty hard. “You calling me a liar?” “I ain’t calling you a truther,” Tim mutters, fiddling with the rope that’s been cutting off circulation in his hands for what must have been at least an hour. He can’t get Jason and himself out of here in this condition. “Did you—" “Already signaled him.” Good. Bruce will send someone to bail them out of this in no time. They just have to hold out until then. “Oh, good, you’re awake,” a chilling voice speaks from behind Tim. “You have no idea how bored I was waiting for the party to start.” Fingers touch Tim’s shoulder and he jerks away. Jason, unbothered by the newcomer, snorts. “This is what you consider a party? You need some fucking friends.” Sionis ignores the jab. He passes Tim and goes straight for the camera set up near the left wall, just far back enough to fit both Tim and Jason in frame. Very, very bad sign. He turns it on, the red light blinking. “You making a movie?” Jason says. He’s snarky, but Tim can see the fear lurking behind his eyes. Roman ignores him and adjusts the camera so it points at himself. “Hello, Batman.” Tim’s eyes snap up to meet Jason’s. “In case you were wondering, this is a live feed you’re getting now. And don’t try tracing it, you’ll just waste your energy. You’re not the only one who has talented technicians on his side.” He leans in closer to the camera, his mask nearly touching the lens. “In the spirit of clarity, let me be clear: this, right now? This is a gift. This is my warning to you to stay the hell out of my business, otherwise you and your precious lackeys will have to answer to me.” He moves out of the frame and zooms in on Tim’s masked face, then Jason’s. “Lucky for me, I found a couple of your birds messing with my shipment, and they so graciously volunteered to help me set an example.” He steps aside and gestures to a tray of tools, each one more horrible than the last. Most of them are still coated in blood from his last victim. Tim gulps. Sionis peruses his collection, which gives Tim the chance to catch Jason’s attention. He jerks his head toward the camera, mouthing, Tell them where we are. Jason nods, and Tim looks back at Sionis. “You think I haven’t been tortured before? This is just a workout.” Is it true? No. He’s terrified, actually. But Jason needs time to signal Bruce through the camera, so Tim will stall for as long as he can. “Bold words, kid.” Sionis picks up a knife, tracing the edge of it with his fingertip. “Just makes it more fun for me when you break.” He comes closer and grabs Tim roughly by the chin, pressing the knife against his cheek uncomfortably close to his eye. “I’ll bet I can make you cry.” “Hey, Blackie,” Jason calls, ripping their focus away. His eyes are narrowed, mouth twisted. “Did you hear the one about the rich dude who wore blackface?” Sionis tightens his grip on Tim’s face. “Do tell.” Stop talking, Tim tries to convey telepathically. Don’t make this worse. “It was universally agreed that he was a piece of shit.” “You should learn to keep your mouth shut when someone’s holding a knife to your baby brother’s face.” To prove his point, Roman digs the knife in, slicing a thin line down all the way to Tim’s jaw. Tim inhales sharply at the sting. “Baby brother?” Jason repeats. “You really are an idiot.” He doesn’t look at Tim, keeping his glare solely on Roman. “I barely know the guy. He follows me around, thinking I walk on water or some shit, but trust me. He’s a pain in the ass. You’re doing me a favor, really.” Sionis pulls the knife away from Tim’s face. Tim releases a breath. Sionis approaches Jason now, his knife still raised with Tim’s blood staining the steel blade. “Someone’s mouthy today.” “If you think this is mouthy, you should have heard your mother last night.” Sionis plunges the knife into Jason’s knee. Jason locks a scream behind his teeth, his face contorting in pain. “Try walking on water now,” Sionis hisses. He yanks the knife out, blood splattering on Jason’s legs and the floor. Tim looks nervously at the camera, its red light blinding ominously. Is Bruce watching this from the other side, agonizing over having a front-row seat to this display? Or is he already gone, on his way to rescue them? Tim hopes it’s the latter. “You think—think I haven’t been stabbed before?” Jason pants, his teeth gritted through the pain. “That was child’s play.” “Is that right?” Sionis looks over his shoulder at Tim. “Then maybe we should get a second opinion. What do you say, kiddo? Want to match your brother over here?” “Thank god,” Jason says. “Go over there and stay, if you wouldn’t mind. Your breath smells like dog shit. But I guess you are what you eat, so.” Roman punches Jason in the face so hard Tim can hear his teeth clank from here. He does it again two, three times, until blood streams from Jason’s nostrils and spills over his lips. Tim pulls frantically on the ropes binding him, tries to do anything, but he’s held tight. “Now, that,” Jason says, spitting out a mouthful of blood and what looks like a tooth, “was better. Still amateurish, but at least you’re not a fuckin’ sissy about it.” “Hood,” Tim snaps. “Please, shut up.” Why are you doing this? “Why should I listen to you? You’re the one who got us into this mess in the first place, replacement. This is your fault.” Jason’s words are snarls and his eyes burn with a tangible hatred, all directed at Tim. But Tim knows him too well. Not everyone wears a literal mask like Sionis does. Roman reaches for his tray and picks up a new blade, this one with large, jagged teeth. “By all means, keep talking, Hood. See where that gets you.” “What, are you going to stab me? Go ahead. The little shit deserves to feel guilty.” Sionis poises the blade at Jason’s shoulder, digging the tip in until Jason hisses. He leans in close, grabs Jason’s jaw with his other hand. “I know you’re not stupid. You think that if you act like a big enough asshole, you can save the runt from me.” He pushes on the knife, slowly sinking it into Jason’s flesh, ridge by ridge. “I’m very okay with that.” Roman twists the knife and Jason screams. Tim closes his eyes but he can’t cover his ears; he can’t tune out his brother screaming in agony, and he almost wishes that he were in Bruce’s position, watching this through a video feed. At least then he could turn it off. “Stop, please,” Tim begs. “He didn’t do anything, it was all me. It was my idea to blow up your shipment. I ruined your business, not him. Just—hurt me, take it out on me. Not him.” Sionis releases the blade, leaving it sticking out of Jason’s shoulder. “Told you I could make the little bird cry.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tim has never felt so powerless in his life. It feels like it goes on for hours, the blood and the screaming and the sickening sound of torn flesh. It only gets worse when he escalates to the snapping of fingers, the crackle of knife through bone. He hits Jason so many times there’s more purple riddling his face than clean, unmarked skin. And every time Sionis so much as looks at Tim, Jason does something new to pull his attention back like a wasp on a string. He provokes the sadistic bastard with vulgar comments, snotty complaints that belong more in Damian’s mouth than Jason’s. And Tim can’t do anything but watch. He doesn’t know how long it’s been when something crashes behind him, which he assumes is the door. Roman barely has time to drop the blowtorch he’s holding before a batarang strikes him in the center of his mask, knocking him out cold. Jason doesn’t react. He hasn’t lifted his head in so long it puts Tim on the edge of panic, just quiet groans and grunts through every new injury inflicted on him. “Tim!” Dick is at Tim’s side in an instant, already working on the ropes binding him. “Are you okay?” Bruce is tending to Jason, putting a field dressing on one of his many open wounds while he talks to Alfred through his earpiece. He’s telling him to call Dr. Thompkins and tell her it’s an emergency. As soon as his hands are free Tim is lunging up from the chair, only for Dick to grab him by the shoulders and force him back down. “Hey, hey, slow down. Where are you hurt?” Dick lightly prods around the cut on Tim’s face, which is undoubtedly going to need stitches, but Tim couldn’t care less. He doesn’t take his eyes off of Jason, who lets out a groan when Bruce accidentally jostles his broken arm. Tim shakes his head, swallowing thickly. “He didn’t—he didn’t do anything to me. He didn’t touch me at all. Only Jason.”

#whumptober 2020 #batfamily #batfam #batman #jason todd #red hood #robin #tim drake #red robin #idiot duckboy #angst #fanfiction #fanfic #black mask #roman sionis #dc comics #no.6 #'stop please'

[theloyaltyofthewolves]

stray kids

one of you asked me if i could talk about why i love stray kids on my old blog. i know it’s about three months too late, but if ur still out there anon, this one’s for you.

it’s been five years since i stumbled into the world of kpop. i started listening in 2015. which is crazy. you know how long ago five years was? bts hadn’t even won an award in 2015. b*g b*ng was still together in 2015. twice and ikon won rookie of the year, nct hadn’t debuted, exo had just begun their rise to fame. 

it’s been a fun five years. i have loved many different groups. i have watched them sprout, grow, blossom, followed several of them to stardom. some of them, i’ve broken up with. many of them, i still check in with from time to time. i’ve watched several of them disband or go into hiding. i still listen to their music, i still watch their old fancams. 

this is all to say that stray kids are different. they always have been and i knew that right away. i was sitting in my dorm room, five thirty am, headphones on while my roommate slept, watching the 2018 MAMA awards. you know the performance. we all know the performance. two years later, and it’s still their best performance. not just because they won rookie of the year, not just because of bluesung. but because they threw absolutely everything they could into it. sure, maybe the show was a little sloppy. maybe there were mistakes, maybe they were a little bit awkward, maybe the vocals weren’t perfect, maybe they couldn’t fill the whole stage. but they were giving it everything they had. and the thing abt live streams, live performances, is that shit like that shows. you can dose up music videos with as many special effects as you like. you can edit the official recordings, slip in some autotune, crop some angles, blur some skin as much as you want. but you cannot fake desperation. you can’t fake passion. 

to this day, i have never seen a performance like that. not from a rookie group, not from a veteran. i didn’t even know who the hell they were, where the hell they had come from, who they belonged to, what their names were, but i could feel their desperation across six thousand miles of ocean. in an industry overflowing with glittering diamonds, these kids were broken shards of obsidian. they were raw. they were unpolished. they were sharp. they had cut themselves open for this performance, they were bleeding all over the stage. 

i will always have a weak spot for underdogs. for the kids who fight tooth and nail just to be there, who come out with scraped knees and bruised knuckles. the kids who force themselves into places they don’t fit into, stages too clean for them. the kids who make a scene just by showing up. who come in hot, burning, running their mouths. talking way bigger than they are, way bigger than they have any right to be. the reckless hubris of youth, the kind that turns heads. fucking look at us. fucking pay attention. we fought to be here, we survived, we’re staying.

that is what stray kids is. an experiment, a test. eight wolves just coming into their own. they’re messy and they’re ragged and they’re scrappy and they’re real. they can’t be handled the way that other groups have been built to be, they can’t be air-brushed into perfection. the thing about a company ceding control the way it has is that there is no reclaiming it. there’s no picking up the end of the leash once it’s been dropped. stray kids are self-made. they built themselves with their bare hands. it’s their blood, their sweat, their sacrifices. their music, their dream, their voice, their sleepless nights and empty bank accounts. their fire, their heart, their honest-to-god love. yes, they have been confined within the limits of jyp and yes, they are still chained to the performative nature of being an idol. but they have pulled the boundaries far further than any group that has come before them. their own terms, their own music, their own limits. stray kids are the new standard. 

and then there are the members themselves. i could spend another four thousand words talking about why i love them individually. but stray kids are more than the sum of their parts. they always have been.

all idol groups love each other. i cannot imagine there is any other way that they survive. the pressure, the expectations, the fame, the stress, the exhaustion, the bullshit, the objectification, the subjugation. being worked to the bone, run like a racehorse, treated like a commodity instead of a human being. it’s a version of trauma bonding, it really is. your teammates become the only people who understand what you are going through, who can relate to you, share your burden. they are also often the only ones looking after each other. keeping each other safe, keeping each other healthy. friends, if not family. allies, if not friends. teammates rely on each other, that is universal.  

but stray kids’ bond runs deeper than that.

we like to talk like it was fate that they found each other, like they stumbled into one another and it all just fell together and everyone was happy and the river ran smooth and the blood was sweet like honey. we like that, we think there’s something holy in it because it rings like destiny and we like that. soulmates, meant-to-be’s. 

that’s not what they are. i wish i could get it stapled across my blog in big bold letters. it’s not a coincidence. it’s not a miracle. it’s not an accident. stray kids are not an act of fate, they are an act of love and that is what makes them so fucking special. 

it’s not luck that got them this close. it’s not destiny. stray kids put in the time. they put in the effort. they looked at each other and they decided this isn’t going to be an accident. love takes work. love takes sacrifice. love takes patience and selflessness and respect and effort. it’s not one and done, you don’t just fall in love and everything falls into place. choosing to love someone, committing yourself to someone, devoting yourself to someone – never mind seven other people – is a big fucking deal. it has to be done consciously. it has to be done on purpose. you have to look inside of yourself and say this is more important. these people are more important. i will put them first over everything.

it’s the millionth time, but i’ll say it once more for the people in the back: stray kids practice active love. love as an action, love as a verb, love as an act of defiance. on purpose, on purpose. i’m going to love you on purpose. i’m going to take you for everything you are, all your flaws and all your strengths, all your dreams and all your fears, all the stones and scars and ghosts that you carry. i’m going to love you for all of it. the good and the bad. 

losing teammates is a bitter and terrible loss. it must haunt them restlessly, follow in their footsteps and shadow their shoulders, whispers in their ears at every turn. wounds like that don’t heal right on their own, so they have stitched themselves up with parts of each other. it’s why they never stray too far, are never more than an arm’s length from each other’s sides. it’s why chan doesn’t let the kids out of his sight, why they are always so on-edge when they are not eight, why every time one of their teammates is returned to them, he is subjected to a full check-up by seven worried faces. they all have it, that obsessive tic. they reassure with their hands, with physical touch. tangible. it’s not enough to see, they have to feel each other under their fingers. reassure that we are here, we are together, we are eight and we are still alive. they are terrified to lose one another so they bind themselves tighter, lean on each other harder, love fiercer and bloodier.

it’s an act of resistance, love like that. screaming into the endless void of hate and emptiness, loneliness and despair, failure, defeat, grief. even after all this time. all the heartbreak and the devastation, everything they’ve lost, all the tragedy. to get back up, to put on a brave face, to take a stand with your chin up and your arms outstretched: these are my people. my heart and my soul, my blood and my bones. you cannot take them from me, you will not take them from me, i will cherish them to my death, i will protect them to my death, i will love them to my death. practicing active love because they want to be together, because they will be together, because they are better when they are together--that’s brave. that is bravery. that is an act of rebellion and it is the most human thing one could do and it is the reason i love them more than anything. because they love each other on purpose, and because somehow in this world of chaos and violence and hatred and fear, that is enough.

you kiss me with your mouth wide open like you're not afraid of swallowing poison. i taste the good and the bad in you and want them both. we call this bravery. - anita ofokansi

#in this stray kids shit for life my dudes #truly some of the bravest kindest most incredible kids ive ever seen #we are lucky to know you boys #stray kids fighting #until the end of the road #happy valentine's day #stray kids #skz #long post #bang chan #lee minho #lino #seo changbin #hwang hyunjin #han jisung #lee felix #kim seungmin #yang jeongin #and now the loyalty of the wolves

[ghostmartyr]

Avengers: Endgame Thoughts

SPOILERS, obviously.

So I figure I’ll babble enough to keep all the genuinely spoilery content under an appropriately timed cut. Even though everything after this statement is full of expectation spoilers. The few key things that I can think about to mention are that I really appreciated the movie and enjoyed the highs and teared up aplenty.

Also that I think this is going to be a primarily negative post. Whoops.

Not because I think it’s awful. I want to emphasize that I don’t think it is awful, because I am very worried that I’m going to forget to say that.

There’s a base level of quality you can sort of expect from MCU movies, so I don’t generally feel the need to move beyond the role of passive audience member for them. Then Infinity War really impressed me, and I couldn’t wait to see how everything was going to wrap up when they really left the movie there, so my investment level piqued.

As a result, there are more thoughts than usual. About a movie I really did find to be of high quality, and probably would see again happily if planning to sit still for another three hours didn’t make me twitchy.

I liked the movie.

There are just some character decisions and plot mechanics and overall writing decisions that... really?

First thing that I don’t have much to say about but can’t rationalize having a complaint post with no mention of: Thor and Hulk.

People in charge of the movie, you had no problem including Captain Marvel when you had no earthly clue what to actually do with her. Her smile warmed my heart in every scene she graced, and while I was criminally disappointed she was not more involved, none of the material she was given made me feel like the people writing her didn’t care about her.

...

Actually, now that I think about it, this should not have just a Thor and Hulk complaint section. Like that was the idea, because I didn’t have much, because I don’t care (slightly different than the writers’ level of don’t care), but the whole...

...

Oy.

Here, once for flavor, with the knowledge that I’ll get back to it and repeatedly whine about it this whole post.

I find the fucking time skip wanting in too many ways for me to really forgive the film for.

Anyway, Thor and Hulk.

In short, no.

In less short, what are you doing.

Hulk I don’t have a serious gripe with, except my main complaint about Infinity War was how Banner (I should probably change how I name him based on which character I’m talking about, but I really just mean the entity represented by a particular actor so I can’t care that much) got used up as comedy relief. You can have comedic moments and characters. If you have transformed your character into a comedic moment, you’ve fucked up.

(See Thor in too much of this movie.)

But one of the interesting parts of Hulk’s general arc in the MCU was how Banner and Hulk were starting to negotiate for their place in their body.

Cue Endgame, cue time skip, cue completely glossing over how they make their peace with each other.

Avengers franchise, why?

I am not attached to Hulk or Banner or any of that section of the plot, honestly, but the potential of that entire element is shot and left for dead in the water. Then the floating corpse gets up and starts walking around as part of a cog of the story.

Hulk’s most interesting plot point basically happened in another movie that doesn’t now, and probably won’t ever, exist, and considering what Infinity War put the guy through as a character, my writing senses are hurt and sad all over.

Then there’s Thor.

I think he might fit into the whole thing I will soon get into about character resolutions that hit the right emotional keys solidly enough that you forget they’re playing the wrong song.

Mostly he picks up the “hole” (wrongly perceived as something that needs to be filled) left by Hulk leaving the walking gag scene party. Drinking himself into oblivion and disregarding self-care in the aftermath of an immense trauma is one of the film’s chosen humor mainstays.

My impression is that I’m the only person in my tight corner of the internet who doesn’t really like Ragnarok because its silliness felt like it was trying too hard. It’s my favorite of the Thor movies, but a bunch of the humor didn’t feel natural to me. Better than Infinity War’s handling of Hulk, and better than Endgame’s handling of Thor, just not my favorite tone.

Endgame sort of takes that element, jacks it away from its surrounding strengths, and rolls out a keg for it to drown in.

When the movie remembers to empathize with Thor instead of mocking him, there are some great moments. But he draws one of the shortest straws of the movie.

And the character resolution is...

Good fuck this is why I had to say I liked the movie. Because when I actually sit down and think about my problems with it, the rest of my brain just lounges to the side in horror, wondering what could possibly have been entertaining if such elements were included.

The very beginnings of my problems with the movie is that they kill Thanos.

I think he’s dead ten minutes in.

Then they skip five years.

Five years.

Ooooh my everything.

Okay so like, you know how you start reading something, or watching something, and your head immediately takes note that oh, this must be a dream sequence. The couple in a romance is suddenly way too hot and steamy for where the story has them in their development, a random bomb goes off, the guy who destroyed half of all life in the universe because no one can stop him in the last movie is killed in the first ten minutes of the next--

There’s like.

A rhythm. There’s a rhythm to how stories work.

When that rhythm is disrupted, the audience is left with a tangible feeling of wtf. Either that feeling enhances the other quality stuff going on, or it enhances the other Quality stuff going on, if you catch my drift.

You step into a vacuum.

It’s great for recreating that sense of absence. The world is irrevocably changed. It’s emptier. The heroes are broken. Their revenge doesn’t fix anything. They just. continue to exist, with losses they aren’t equipped to handle.

FIVE YEARS OF IT.

I have probably a longer list of things I want stories involving time travel not to do than is perhaps healthy. But maybe stories involving time travel should keep their act together better or I don’t know.

Bad Future ends are not something I appreciate, because often, they go grimdark just because they can, because they know it’s not the final future, so anything goes. You don’t have to treat it like any reality that matters, because it isn’t permanent.

This story... I would say it toes the line there, but in ways that grate on me thoroughly enough that it presses all the same buttons.

Thanos can die in the first ten minutes, and it doesn’t matter. We know it doesn’t matter, because it happens in the first ten minutes. ...Maybe twenty, to be safe. It’s early. But you have this villain who’s built up to a ridiculous degree, bizarrely succeeds in living up to his own hype, then you kill him off so that a younger version of himself gets top billing in the final battle.

Why?

I get why as far as the story is designed, but at some point in the process, this story is designed by humans. Humans who could have stopped and asked themselves if they were really telling the best version of this story they possibly could.

Thanos is defeated while his blight remains. I love saying that. I love that I can describe a story with those words.

But the initial defeat is so unsatisfying and bereft of life. All the energy of him as an external force for our heroes to unite against is bled out early, and to get it back, they really do just ship in a younger model.

Which does make sense. Younger Thanos’ motives are fine and reasonable. Just, as far as the plot design, the whole presentation of the movie’s setting feels like a dream sequence. It feels, very early on, like this will never be allowed to be forever.

Then that feeling lasts for five years.

Getting into the time travel thing.

Time travel is really hard to get right in stories. You want to change something, but the people doing the changing are products of what they’ve lived through. How do you honor that while still fixing the unspeakable evil that happened? How do you change the world while keeping the threads that made us care alive and relevant?

One thing I very much like is that Tony fights to keep what he’s gained alive. Good. The volcanic soil grew him something irreplaceable, and it’s perfectly reasonable for him to want to hold on to that, and I’m glad he does.

But then you have the other half of the story, where no one is able to move on.

My preference for time travel correcting things is for characters to either be trying to change their own future that they have yet to live through, or for them to trying to fix something that is so recent the characters are still wrangling with it as a piece of their present. I have more than a touch of “humans should not mess with these things they don’t know what they’re doing,” past a certain point.

In case it weren’t obvious, five years is pretty far past that point for me. It hits this awful uncanny valley sweet spot of people wanting to change a reality that never should have been vs. people who are willing to fuck up the world because they can’t let go.

I like superheros. I like correcting injustices. Save all the people. I like people fighting tooth and nail to fix things set in stone because these are their people, dammit.

I also hate seeing people so stuck in the past they refuse to make a future.

This movie screams both of those elements so loudly that it’s hard for me to really piece out how I feel about the story in its entirety.

I like that they don’t simply hit an undo button, and do bring everyone back in a way that lets the future that has already happened continue.

But then there’s Steve and Nat and just... fuck, dude.

Gun to my head, I’m a happy person. If everyone could be alive at the end, that would be my preference, I don’t care if it’s cheesy. But you have the choice between Hawkeye and Black Widow. The man who’s lost his family, and the woman who’s lost purpose.

Or something. I don’t do MCU meta.

The sense I get from watching is that Natasha feels like her life works better as a sacrifice. If they succeed, she doesn’t have children and a wife waiting at home. So clearly it makes sense for her to be the one to die. Her road ends to bring back the happiness of others.

Which...

I don’t know how to articulate my problem with this without moving on to Steve first.

So let’s do that.

Steve.

Steve, whose story ends with him going back in time and staying there.

Forget about how the story criticizes every movie that does time travel better than it. Forget about all the levels of not caring went into designing the time travel elements. If possible.

I do not like how Steve’s story is essentially about how there’s only one time and place for him to experience a fulfilling life.

It is the nature of writing stories that we want to encapsulate things. The perfect moment. The perfect set of emotions. The perfect time. Everything falls into place, and that’s how we want it. We’ll never get it better than that. Keep retreading that dead horse, because it was so good.

Steve and Peggy are beautiful together.

What I hate about them ending up together is that... there’s this obvious, painful belief that the world of the future doesn’t have anything left for Steve. Bucky’s there. Sam’s there. Billions of people have just found there way back. Steve’s lived in this century for years.

Reclaiming the past is more important than building a future.

Even though the story’s driving plot is about keeping their past maintained so they can have this future. Or something.

Steve doesn’t have a future. Natasha doesn’t have a future. So the story removes them from it, and calls that a clean, happy (if bittersweet) ending. They’re pieces that don’t work in this world. Their chances are gone. They can live in the past or die.

I hate that. I’m a sap who will read a million stories about someone having a single true love they can’t be without and no one else could ever compare and blah and blah and blah, but that somehow feels different from watching a character’s life play out for years, and seeing them come to the conclusion that they can never belong in this place.

Building a new home never compared to the old one.

That’s depressing as fuck.

Thor gets a piece of this as well, becoming more of a knight errant than a king. After going to so much trouble to become his people’s king and just. Geez.

I don’t think that this is a thing the movie as a whole is really trying to encourage. I think the people working on it just had different visions for what would be cool as a sendoff and so on. Tony’s insistence that they don’t undo the five years they’ve had, and Nebula’s... everything--those aren’t elements of a story that says you can’t grow and find a new place. You don’t have to keep on repeating what you know and nothing else. You really don’t.

But that feels very twisted around for some of these characters’ personal journeys, and as happy as I am for Steve getting his dance with Peggy, the idea that this is a person whose true happiness could never be in the future...

That lingers in a way that I can’t like, and colors a lot of the other resolutions.

.

.

I really enjoyed the movie?

Yay?

Even though no one cared even a little at all even once except to attempt to drag other movies about time travel.

This movie’s time travel mechanics are terrible.

They’re just bad.

When you drop the titles of that many other things that have time travel.

And say this isn’t like that.

You should. you should hope. that your thing could at least make a convincing case for making more sense.

This does not succeed in that.

How could you watch enough of those movies to know they had time travel, yet fail to learn anything about how to write time travel. How. Why did you. why. Dragon Ball Z has more internally consistent time travel.

Three hours well spent. The hours on this, maybe less well.

#Avengers #Avengers Endgame #endgame spoilers #spoilers #tl;dr

[upwardeath]

answer 11 questions, tag people and ask 11 questions (tagged by @lsfp @cognitionis-amor @venusian-prince @kishka) thanks dudes. I’m combing the first two sets of questions I was tagged in, and I gotta jet so can’t do them all rn

lsfp/cognition-amor questions:

1. What’s your favorite music genre/movie genre/book genre and why?

I guess alternative would be my favorite, I enjoy finding obscure or independent artists, I can spend hours on Spotify if I’m not careful. Movies, well I go for anything that combines drama and psychological. But I enjoy sci-fi and rom com as well, I’m a romantic. And yeah I get into all the typical Ni shit. I like classic lit a lot and apocalyptic/post apocalyptic/sci-fi books most.

2. Where do you see yourself five years from now? Ten years from now?

Funny you should ask, bc I’m currently very undecided about my future, I’m leaving the education field and leaning toward psychology, but I’m also considering a graphic design/advertising strategy role. But I’m fighting strong ‘fuck it’ inclinations atm. SO, 5 years from now, I hope to be settled somewhere that challenges me and also satisfies my passions. 10 years, happy and in control of that bitch, anger.

3. What’s a quality you always admire in others and never get tired of?

The ability to truly forgive, bc fuck if I could ever figure out how. Also, the ability to be vulnerable, because while I can be with a select few, it still kills me, but in the name of being authentic, I value it and want to get better at it.

4. What in the world/universe/human mind just ABSOLUTELY fascinates you?

How spirituality intersects with psychology. How physiology intersects with psychology/mental health. All psychology, how the brain works, neuroscience, sports strategy, relationships, love. Existentialism, anything ‘dark’ and mysterious. The idea of absolute truth.

5. Have you ever been proven wrong about a person’s character for the better?

Fuck yeah. There have been many times I was rubbed wrong by God knows whatever hunch I had at first. I find that no matter how good my magicalTM Ni/Se abilities are uwu (I’ll clarify right here bc I’ve been known to be misunderstood on this, but I’m very sarcastic and ironical when I say things like this), tert Fi can be a bitch when looping as it can be susceptible to using Te to support it’s schemes with Ni. And sometimes it can’t be trusted, but the more self-aware I become, the more obvious it becomes when this is happening, when I’m falsely basing my hunch on some shit-sensitive feeling I had. LOL. I’ve experienced the enemies to friends trope a couple of times actually. And I love it.

6. How do your favorite aesthetics make you feel and why? What aesthetic do you find rly ugly?

Connected to some deeper understanding and satisfied, because they put my inner world into something tangible. Ugly? LOL. Anything but my own uwu. Kidding, ummm, colors that clash, like I can’t explain it. I may have inf Se, but I think I have a decent eye. Shrug.

7. Would you kill someone?

Only in defense of others, and in a heartbeat if needed.

8. Who would you die for?

People I love, I think, but uh maybe not idk.

9. What method of suicide would you prefer? (Even if you aren't suicidal, please don't kill yourself cause i asked this oh my God). If someone killed you how would you probably get killed?

Gun to the head. If someone else killed me, I’d probably die because I didn’t back down to a threat of some sort. Likely some chaotic good scenario. I mean I do some crazy shit, but sp keeps me in check most of the time.

10. Is there hope for humanity?

Yes. But I hope I die before it ever comes time to test this theory. Like apocalyptic shit. But I hope God saves us from whatever fate we have in store. Actually, I hope I’m alive to save humanity tbh. Yeah I’m stupid I know.

11. On a scale of 1 to 10 how bad was the worst pain you ever felt?

I have a high pain tolerance so the scale is skewed imo. I guess that time I had my gut knifed open by... jk. Lol. I don’t know. I’m having a hard time remembering. As into extreme sports as I am, I surprisingly haven’t had too many injuries other than bruises and some broken bones which weren’t very painful. I’m very prepared for stuff like that and don’t put myself in situations I don’t think I can handle, and thanks to genetics I’m pretty good at that stuff. I think nagging pain is worse tbh, I’d rather get shit over with. So maybe tooth pain? Cause you feel it in your head and it makes you want to rip them out. I’ll give it a 7.

Venusian-prince questions:

1. do you believe in romantic soulmates, if so, multiple or just one?

Yeah, just one, and i also think your soulmate doesn’t have to be romantic.

2. thoughts on religion? do you practice anything?

Raised Christian, currently having an existential crisis, so no fucking clue what I believe, but i do know what i don’t believe.

3. believe in magic? 

No, but the concept is cool.

4. describe your absolute perfect / idealized partner

Someone nicer than me and better at dealing with their emotions. But not in denial or devoid of them. xstp tbh. An edgy nerd. Someone who will do Se shit with me and also talk about interesting stuff. Someone who doesn’t poopoo my big emotions and crazy mind but also calls me out on shit. Someone hot.

5. what is a little quirk/nuance about you, that not a lot of people know?

Idk I’m tall. 5’11” to be exact. Yes I played basketball in college. I seem very serious, but I’m actually quite playful and I love to laugh, only with certain people of course.

6. what is the perfect weather for you, and why do you like it that way?

65 degrees. Dry. I sweat easily and I don’t love hot. Humidity sucks.

7. first thing you think about when you wake up? last thing you think about when you go to bed? (be honest!!!!)

I need to pee and i wish i could sleep longer. Sex and i hate myself.

8. name something about yourself you highly value & appreciate 

My advice-giving abilities, my passion.

9. have any regrets? if so, why?

I regret hurting some loved ones with my anger. Ugh. Why, bc my anger/pain is no excuse.

10. how do you deal with your negative emotions? 

Drink them away when disintegrating/gripping. I punch the hell out of my punching bag, workout. Drive/walk around at all hours of the night brooding. Writing. Drawing. EMDR therapy. Talk therapy. Talking with this one person. Or I just don’t deal.

11. have you ever been obsessive / addicted to anything?

Chapstick, salsa, I’m probably addicted to coffee. I obsess over trying new beer/whiskey. I wax the hair off my arms obsessively.

My questions (I’m yoinking some from others):

1. Names you find beautiful?

2. What’s a song that embodies you as a person best?

3. Do you have any weird/out-there theories? What are they if I may ask?

4. Do you have a favorite enneagram/mbti type?

5. What’s the thing that annoys you most?

6. Where would you live if you could choose one place in the world?

7. What are your hobbies?

8. What are your religious beliefs, if any?

9. Do you like pizza? Yes or no?

10. Do you have any vices and what are they?

11. What’s something random you were thinking about today?

not gonna tag anyone cause I think most have been tagged already

#about me #long post

[kaisooficrec]

Favorite authors??

this is a very hard question to answer because there are LOTS of incredible writers out there, so we’ve decided to name the ones we like but also feel are new and/ or super underrappreciated/underrated! this is not to mean the authors not on this list don’t deserve love and recognition because everyone does! 

Admin I:

hanjoooo (purple macarons) - i’m speechless? the writing is so emotive and raw, the build up of tension in the fics is just stunning. i highly recommend this author!

kaisoochateau (Heart on Your Sleeve, Running Home) - screams one of my favourite new writers!! i love the creativity, the descriptions and just, everything! guaranteed feels :>

hojichadust (The Third Path) - if hojichadust seNPAI doesn’t end up writing actual novels, then the sky isn’t fucking blue. suuuuuper underrated and underappreciated! 

xiseoks (Point Zero, Dust to Dust) - definitely the most underrated writer in all of ficdom imo, her talent is really unparalleled! some people are born to write, and xiseoks is one of those people c:

alicelittle (a rose by any name) - gorgeous writing like whoa, my jaw drops every time! the ongoing royal!au is just.. incredible 

minty-pixie (Mirrors) - another really amazing writer who deserves so much more love ;; more fun and lighthearted writing :>

at1stsight (Waxing and Waning: Two Moons) - relatively new writer, with super witty writing. the actual queen of non-au!

_ksps_ (The Good the Bad and the Fluffy) - really, really good fluff writer! just something i personally like, their kissing scenes? wow? i actually feel my toes curl!

whisperlucifer (Cosmic Fire) - so talented! the worldbuilding is so amazing!

crownjules (The Apocalypse Killed the Video Star) - THE QUEEN OF FLUFF!! every single one of her fics are amazing, and i treasure them a lot. GUARANTEED TO BRIGHTEN UP YOUR DAY and make you DIE bc of the tooth-rotting fluff. 

nignojmik (Dianthus Boy, priceless) - QUEEN OF FLUFF 2.0 also just, really gorgeous writing that will genuinely move you 

aistehtik (Goodbye to a World) - another super underrated author! her writing style is very unique, and it just flows like water (mixed with a lil magic glitter). truly insane talent *cries*

Admin O:  

indigomini - so creative but also that versatile kaisoo + everyone has a thing for kyungsoo’s bum help [also size queen!soo is snuck into every thing istg yessss]

at1stsight - the wit, i can’t. she’s also mini’s beta and i just, can i be the little sister who follows them around everywhere? THEY’RE WRITING A FIC TOGETHER DREAMS DO COME TRUE.

kaisoochateau - i love writing like this, it’s so comfortable and tangible, like i could reach out and touch sometimes. 

dokyan - the cute. help. i want to die drowning in this cute. bearnini and penguinsoo are my life.

hanjoooo - everything. all of it. this is what i live for. the feels. ㅠㅠ

Copperkitty359 - i feel like she should count, i know she has tons of subscribers now but i feel she’s still relatively new? or, am i just trying to find an excuse to tell everyone how much i love her. hmm. is she the first in this list i did that for? probably not.

jongdaesang - I JUST FOUND YOU AND I NEED YOU TO LET ME LOVE YOU FOREVER. oh god. every single fic. the characterization is so sweet, so precious. from the cute fluff, to the sexy strippers, to the beautiful gods, someone please help me i am in love. speaking of, anyone know where i can take a crash course on tagalog?

fanserviced - you. writer of Juice Pouch. where are you. let me write you love letters. let. me. i think the other admins know lots about you but you are new to me and i just asdfghjkl.

[also i’d marry flowergirl if 1. she’d have me and 2. ma chéri[e] wouldn’t kill me for it. 

i got progressively more wordy i’m so sorry. ㅠㅠ the longer we have this ask the longer my list gets asdfghjkl.

Admin R:  

Supervium - praise kink fic ended me and omg such amazing writing

johnwick - one of the best writers of our generation, tunnel vision is such a beautiful fic I highly rec. Also funny and cute and precious everyone needs to cuddle johnwick. 

kyungception -  has great fluffy and smutty fics, the perfect balance 

kairousels - I’ve read their space au like 50 times someone help me ;; such a quality author

Dyominateyou - topsoo central, what more could you need

InariChi - ok I literally love them so much?? all of their fics are amazing I want to cry. They’re not super underrated because SENPAI but they just need all the love and appreciation in the world ok everyone go read their fics please.

kaisoochateau - they’re everyones new fav author but omg it’s super well deserved. I love their Catfish fic so much I think about it all the time asnjnrfuthr also they seem like just the cutest person? I want to snuggle them ;;

_ksps_ - literally have the ability to suck you into a story and keep you there omg their writing is so addicting. Literally dying over the good the bad and the fluffy for days, one of my current fav fics.

unfinishedpages - omg ok admist antenuptials and elevator kisses took over my life ;; I pulled an all nighter reading it I couldn’t stop reading, it was everything I could ever want in a fic. I can’t wait for them to keep writing and growing and getting all the appreciation they deserve

CopperKitty359 - omg their kitty hybrid au is also one of my recent fav fics, like, I love it so much. Also the way they write is so perfect like how?? And they’re kinky hello let me love you.

Admin J:   

all the admins’ picks are my faves as well but this would get rly long so i’m basically ctrl+c ctrl+v the list here :p

kaisooxxx - soulmate au queen, many this author has amazing fest fics that r so good yet underrated af (in my dreams, there is you, by the power of love, chase the sun and many more)

tokiio - very good at smut i’m shookt???? (Receive My Ball(s), Maybe?, Ma-Ma-Machine) 

yukisooba - has many great fics so don’t sleep on this author yall (Come On Home With Me (baby, let it loose), The Friend Zone)

oxygenlove - my friend and one of the most talente and underrated authors of kaisoo authors ;; her writing is so so stunning and i can’t help but fall in love with her characters. readHow We Love, Summer Rai, Free Fallin’ and you’ll understand 

also look here for our favourite authors! we looooove them all very much ;u;

#kadi #dika #kaido #authors

[eat-a-mint-jungkook]

Fic Meme

End of the year fic meme for 2016!

Total word count written: 73,995

Total word count published: 39,302

Fandoms written: BTS, EXO, Winner, iKON, Mystic Messenger, original fiction

1. Looking back, did you write more fic than you thought you would this year, less, or what you predicted?

Hmm I actually thought the total word count written would be a bit higher than that (like 100k at least COME ON), so I’d say less, but I think I wrote a LOT more than I have in past years. So, just the right amount ^^

2. What pairing/genre/fandom did you write that you would never have predicted in January?

I never thought I’d dip into writing for Winner or iKON, and I still don’t know too much about them, but it was a good experience! 

I also didn’t expect to write Taegi, but I really liked the way Something Tangible came out! And now they’re one of my fave pairings heh

3. What’s your own favourite story of the year?

AHAHAH GOOD QUESTION. I think my favourite work would be this Jikook WIP I’ve been working on earlier in the year (there’s a snippet of it in the “favourite lines” section below). But out of the fics that I’ve posted, it’d be Two wrongs make a right. 

4. Did you take any writing risks this year? What did you learn from them?

Y E S. When I decided to take on smut for @jikook-love‘s birthday fic, Happy birthday, hyung. It was... something that I’ve always been attempted to write to challenge myself, but uh STILL TOO SHY TO POST SO YEAH. What did I learn? HMM A LOT. More than I need to know

5. Do you have any fanfic goals for the new year?

Finish something.  Yeah. That’s it. Because I start too many projects and never end up finishing them. 

Okay fine, I want to finish posting my 95k EXO fic that I started back in 2013. 

From my past year of writing, what was...

My best story of this year: 

Two wrongs make a right. This was very spur-of-the-moment fic that I wrote in one sitting after I got home from shopping L O L. I like it because the flow is good and the tone is just right. 

My most popular story of this year: 

Be careful what you order. Guys, I don’t know why you all love this so much LOL. This was also written in one sitting and based on real life events-- aka me being embarrassing, except unfortunately there was no Jimin for me TT

Most fun story to write: 

Fight Fire with Fire. These pickup-line insults were the best thing ever. The second half of it wasn’t even supposed to turn out this way but you can’t go wrong with pickup lines right??? When you’re out of inspiration, just add crack ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Story with the single sexiest moment:

Double Bind. Hands down the sexiest moment I’ve written...that’s published on here. The real one would probably be in my 16K Jikook WIP. I liked the sexual tension and buildup in this one and although it was not resolved, it flowed really well. Oh I also liked Jeon’s insults at Jimin and the way they turned out hehe.

Most “holy crap, that’s wrong, even for you” story:

Let our your wild side. The near-OT3 incident LOL. I mean it’s not bad at all but then again I never ended up writing out what I had actually planned. It’s just a little too risque for my liking y’know?

Sweetest tongue and sharpest tooth. I think the ending weirded out some of you or was kind of confusing? Again, the type of writing was a little risky for me but I really like this one.

Story that shifted my own perceptions of the characters:

Sixth Sense. It was my first Jikook fic and I think I got to learn more about their relationship dynamics through it. Yeah now I don’t really see Jungkook as the dominating alpha that fic writers tend to portray him as. He’s a clumsy lil cutie ok

Hardest story to write: 

Happy birthday, hyung. Because smut. Need I say more? 

Biggest surprise: 

Don’t forget your keys. The way it turned out was a surprise for me because that wasn’t exactly what I’d originally planned...I think 

Most unintentionally telling story: 

Rain Date. My fics are often based on real life events to some degree, but this one was heavily based on real life... so welp there’s my life for ya

Favourite opening lines: 

“Hi, how are you today?” The boy at the counter greets, reaching out to take the clothes from Jungkook’s hands. He has a soft and smooth voice, and Jungkook barely hears what he says at all.

“Uh, three,” Jungkook responds on instinct, handing over the three items he’s holding on to. Then he stops. What did fitting-room-boy just ask?

[Two wrongs make a right]

Favourite closing lines: yeah not choosing one of my one-liner endings LOL

Jungkook meets Jimin’s gaze, the two of them exchanging a glance that revealed more than words ever could as they’re surrounded by the consuming flames and smoke billowing to the sky.

[Sixth Sense]

And he doesn’t need to lie to himself about that.

Because they have all the time in the world. They’re in love.

[Something Tangible]

Favourite lines from anywhere: 

"Jungkook, are you sure everything's okay?" Namjoon asks when he hears a faint sob.

He doesn't blame Namjoon for asking, though. What he described is exactly what a soulmate should be like—someone who you can talk to about anything, someone who trusts you with their secrets too, someone who understands you. Someone who takes care of you, someone who you can love, and someone who can love you back.

Park Jimin was none of those things.

"Jungkook, tell me what's wrong."

"I..." Jungkook stops to take a deep breath because his nose is burning and his eyes sting and everything just hurts. "I hate him. I fucking hate him."

"Jungkook, slow down."

"I don't know if I can do this anymore." Another tear dribbles into his pillow, wetting the linen under his cheek. "Because if this is what having a soulmate is like, then I wish I didn't have one at all."

[16k Jikook soulmates AU WIP that I haven’t named... there are better things from here but I can’t reveal yet]

Scenes from anywhere you would have choose to have illustrated: 

The sunrise scene from Something Tangible

The kiss scene from my scenario, First kiss with Jungkook

The balcony scene from Sweetest tooth and sharpest tongue

New year’s resolutions:

Finish that soulmates AU, ugh.

Possibly write the Nerve AU? 

I want to be able to finish the projects that I start, and let others’ writing inspire me to improve instead of making me want to give up. To focus less on comparing myself to others, and more on self-improvement. I also hope to take on new challenges in writing styles, voices, characters, instead of always sticking to some sort of formula that I know would work. 

Word Count Totals

Total finished, posted fic: 39,302

Longest posted fic: Let our your wild side, 3k

Longest wip: That 16k Jikook soulmates AU that may or may not ever be posted. I’d call it my best work because it was written during my peak, and I’m a bit scared to finish it...because I’m afraid that my writing now will never match up to what I had before. I don’t want to ruin it. But for now, I’m out of inspiration so I can’t be bothered to work on it OTL 

Total number of words written: 73,995

Tagging: @jikook-love @dreamscript and anyone who also writes :D

#fic meme #2016 #personal #writing