To the ones who are alive, and the ones who are there
A3O
Summary : Dick had been found dead, his body floating in Gotham Bay, hours before.
This could just be a simple story if he wasn’t banging on the door of Jason’s apartment.
Or: When you wake up in a morgue, the first person to go see is your resurrected little brother.
Whumptober 2020 day 31: experiment, left for dead
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Note: And this will be the last one for whumptober 2020! It took a year and half for a one month challenge but I’m proud I finished it!
Warning for discussion of death, resurrection and grief.
Hope you’ll enjoy the fic!
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Jason should do something. Anything.
He should go back to the manor. He should see if Tim, Cass, and Damian are okay. He should check that Bruce isn’t getting himself or others in harm’s way.
He should scream and punch something. He should get up, get out there, and tirelessly hunt the assholes who did this to his brother.
He should answer his phone, which is lighting up with what is now the fifteenth missed call from Roy. He should find a shoulder to cry on, to let his grief out.
He should do anything but stay here, alone in his apartment, laying on his bed, staring at his white ceiling.
It’s a funny thing, grief.
Since his phone is now ringing with the sixteenth call from Roy, he assumes the Titans know. He wonders who told them. But they had been involved in the initial search and rescue mission, so maybe they got an official message from Batman. He doesn’t want to go to the Titans. This was never his team to begin with, even if he did a few missions with them when he had been Robin. It’s certainly not his team now.
From the beginning, it was Dick’s. Just like the big brother role, which now falls on his shoulders.
Some big brother he is. He’s spent the last few months trying to do his best, but it never seemed to be enough. And now, he can’t even get up from his fucking bed.
One night, Nightwing never gave his all-clear signal. It wasn’t all that worrying in the beginning, they just did a check on his apartment, on his current cases, and organized a rescue mission. When they couldn’t find him on the first day, some of them started worrying. Then one day turned to two, which turned to one week. And one week turned to two, three, and then to a month, and then to months with no lead.
Until yesterday. When Bruce Wayne got a call saying that a corpse had been washed up on the bay. It wasn’t common per se, but it wasn’t unusual. It was Gotham, after all. What was unusual was that the body corresponded to the description of Dick Grayson, who had been filed as a missing person, by now.
They went to the hospital. They checked. Sneaked in bat-gadgets to do additional testing. It was Dick.
Taken from them months ago and now given back to them by the sea, naked and lifeless.
Fuck.
He’s gone. Maybe for good.
And they have to keep living, somehow.
Someone is banging on his door.
He doesn’t know when it started, hasn’t registered the noise until now. But now that he hears it, it’s obliterating. He puts his hands on his ears to try to stop it. When it doesn’t work, he throws the glass that had been sitting on his nightstand at the door. It shatters noisily, but the pounding doesn’t stop.
“Go away!”
“Jay!”
Time seems to freeze. He knows that voice.
“Jay, please open up!”
He’s in front of the door before he can think about it, because this is impossible.
This is impossible. Dick can’t be here.
But he’s here, isn’t he. And so is Damian. And so are so many people around them. So maybe it’s not that impossible.
He opens the door. This might be a trap. This could very much be a trap. But he doesn’t care right now.
Dick is here. His breath catches in his throat, and he lets out a strangled swear. Dick is here, looking as pale as when he saw him on the morgue not four hours ago. He’s drenched by the rain that had been falling nonstop since the morning, as if Gotham herself is mourning her lost son. He’s clenching a large blanket around his shoulders, thinner than the last time Jason saw him alive, but he’s here.
“Um, Hi? I woke up in a morgue, didn’t really know where to go, I figured your apartment was a good choice as any.”
“Well, err…” What do you say to your newly resurrected brother? “Come on in.”
Dick walks into the apartment, and Jason winces when he hears the sound of glass crushing under his brother naked feet. Dick doesn’t even seem to feel it. Figures. On top of the psychological shock it is to, well, die and be brought back, he’s been walking from the hospital under the rain, with nothing but a thin blanket, probably the one that was resting on his body on the morgue. He’s got to be at least mildly hypothermic.
“Maybe you should take a shower and get some warm clothes? You know where the bathroom is.” This is awkward. He should ask dozens of other questions, or maybe hug Dick or something. But he doesn’t feel relieved. He doesn’t feel anything but blank surprise. He might feel relieved later, but for now, his brain is protecting him from feeling anything.
Dick smiles at him, and while it’s familiar, there is something wrong about his face. Jason can’t exactly place what. Something that should be there and isn’t, or the opposite. Dick disappears into his bathroom, and he’s left alone. He would think he had dreamed the whole thing if not for the blood on the glass shard next to his door.
He takes a broom and cleans up the shards. This is easy. This, he can do. And then…
And then, should he call someone? The kids deserve to know. Damian, at least, deserves to know. But can he do that without Dick’s consent? How would he have reacted if someone had revealed his resurrection to Bruce before he was ready? It doesn’t really matter, he thinks absentmindedly, because he’s not Dick and Dick is not him.
He’s still lost in what he should do when Dick comes out of the bathroom. His brother falls heavily on the couch next to him.
“Are you okay?” Stupid question. He knows.
“You mean, besides-” Dick gestures vaguely to his own body- “everything?”
Jason snorts. “Yeah, fair.”
“I’m okay. I mean, I’m not in any pain, but everything seems too loud and too bright and too much everything, so heads up, I might have a panic attack in the near future.”
“Good to know. How is your foot?”
Dick doesn’t seem to understand. “My foot?”
Something cold washes over Jason. Had he not felt anything? “You walked on glass.”
Dick blinks. Looks at his feet. His intact feet.
“How the fuck…” Jason heard the glass crushing. He saw the blood. There is no way Dick didn’t cut himself at least a little. Has he already healed? Jason knows he’s healing a little faster than most people since the pit, but this is something else. Come to think of it, all the scars his brother had had disappeared.
The pit had healed some of his scars too, but if Dick had been resurrected via the pit, he wouldn’t be that calm, would he?
“Feel any…” Jason trails off, trying to find the right words. He gestures vaguely, “…need to kill somebody sometime soon?” So much for finding the right words.
“No pit madness, if that’s what you’re concerned about. No, I’m fine. I mean, freaked out, but I’m fine.”
Come to think of it, his eyes aren’t green, right? He would definitely have noticed if his brother’s eyes had turned green.
That’s when he notices it. Just as the thought crosses his mind, he sees it. He understands why Dick’s face felt weird.
His eyes aren’t green, but they aren’t blue, either.
They’re yellow.
“Your eyes…” he trails off, not knowing exactly what to say.
“I know,” Dick says. “I saw it in the mirror in your bathroom.”
There is something unbelievably sad in the way he says it, as if he’s mourning his irises’ color, of all things. To Jason’s look, he explains, “This was something I got from my mother.”
Jason puts his hand on Dick’s, words on the tip of his tongue, but when he feels his brother’s wrist, everything he wanted to say, from “it’s not the only thing you got from her” to “my eyes were blue too” just evaporates.
The only thing he can say is, “You don’t have a pulse.”
���What?” Dick blinks. Jason just jumps, checking his brother’s wrist again, then his neck, and finally his heart.
“You don’t have a pulse,” he repeats. This is impossible. He’s made bad taste zombie jokes more than once, but overall, his body still functions the same way most humans do. His heart pumps blood into his veins, which fuels his organs, which in return function to keep him alive.
Dick is in front of him, moving, talking, yet his heart isn’t beating. His skin wasn’t any warmer than the room when Jason touched him. He’s probably breathing out of habit more than out of need. He’s an animated corpse.
This is so fucked up. And so out of Jason’s expertise.
“We need to call Bruce.” The words are out of his mouth before he can think about the implications. About how he’s running back to his father in the face of an issue he can’t solve.
A hand is immediately on his. “Wait. No.”
Jason takes a deep breath. “Dick, we can’t let him, let them, think you’re dead.” Not to mention he doesn’t know what’s going on and Dick’s heart isn’t beating. He’s not ready to see his brother suddenly drop back dead in front of him.
“I will, but… not now. I just… let me process it all, okay?”
Jason closes his eyes. Who is he to refuse such a thing? “Do you know what happened?”
Dick stays silent for so long that Jason wonders if he’s going to answer at all, before finally sighing, and saying, “I do, part of it. I guess I should have started with that.”
“It’s not the pit,” Jason guesses. The symptoms don’t match.
“It’s not the pit,” Dick confirms. “It’s the owls.”
Jason gives him some time, and, as expected, after a short silence, Dick starts talking again. “I don’t remember much. I was on patrol and suddenly, I was surrounded by Talons. I couldn’t even activate my distress signal. And then… it’s just flashes. Pain. I remember swimming into the ocean, but not how I got there, and I woke up in the morgue.”
“Don’t try to remember,” Jason warns. “Your mind is trying to protect you by making you forget.” He knows it all too well. “Let it. Let it protect you.” Let us protect you stays unsaid. There is no way Jason is going to say this. This is Dick, for fuck’s sake. Strong, independent, unshakable Dick. His big brother, his predecessor whom he never stopped looking up to, despite everything that happened. He doesn’t need to be protected. But he’s here, looking so small in Jason’s hoodie, so scared with his unmoving heart and his cold body.
“They changed me,” Dick says. “I can’t go back to Bruce like this. I’ve changed.”
Jason sighs. “Yes.”
That gets him a snort and a half smile. “Yes? That’s it?”
He shrugs. “What do you want me to say? You’re not the same person you were before you disappeared, that’s true. I won’t tell you that you are. But you’re here, aren’t you. And that’s what matters.”
Realization hits him the moment he says it. Because Alfred had told him that, and so had Dick and even if Bruce hadn’t said it, he made it clear that he felt it. But Jason never really believed that it mattered for him to be there rather than to be like before.
But with Dick now, and with Damian before him, he realizes he doesn’t care if they’re not the same, as long as they’re there. They’ve changed. They’ve all changed. “And you won’t be the same person tomorrow, because everything, every scar you get, everything that you see, changes you at least a little,” he continues, not really knowing where he’s going. “But you’re here.”
“You’re alive.” He says it to a cold body with no blood flowing in its veins, but a cold body that holds his brother.
“You’re alive.” Something else hits him, something he refrained himself from feeling since Dick passed the door. Hope. Relief. Dick is alive.
“You’re alive.” There is another lost child, with a beating heart, who crawled out of his own grave too long ago, and who needs to hear it too. A kid, as big as a man, now, who doesn’t have the shoulders to support the world.
“You’re alive.” He doesn’t really know who he’s saying it to.
“You’re alive.”
And he is.
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Endnote: And with this I finished whumptober 2020! Hope you enjoyed the fic! Many thanks to @ohmytoddhewitt for beta reading!
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