#like??? i have a lot of health anxiety generally which is really why i hate the dr so much

[wachtelspinat]

Hey ! I’ve been seeing your art going around since your midnight crew stuff and I just recently stubble across your tumblr, thank to your beautiful overwatch art for our beloveds junkers ! I’ve been scrolling through your account and read about your experience of being a former graphic designer who is a doctor now. And damn. I can’t emphasize how much I admire you, especially as someone who is struggling really hard to choose between 2 careers paths ( with one of them being art related ). This is why I was wondering if you would be open to talk about how and why you switched from art to medecine ? Especially because most of the time I feel it happens more the other way around ? ( If it’s too personal just ignore this ask + sorry if you already talked about it before )

hey ! no worries, i don't expect ppl to scroll through my tumblr to find an answer for a question they might have. first of all thanks for your nice words, means a lot <3

i switched from art to medicine because my early 20-something-self was even more anxiety-ridden than my present-self, and being in art school and having to "perform" regularly was a nightmare. i'm talking about a time in which i was so scared of being perceived that i often skipped grocery shopping, just so i could avoid being around people. so like, pitching art related projects to peers and profs was eeh... especially because art is so personal oh my god. i still hate it when someone tries to sneak a peek while i'm drawing, makes me wanna throw my sketchbook and myself off the bridge. anyways so i always felt a 110% inadequate (plus i got a gf during that time who was so good to me and tried to get me out of my funk on multiple occasions (she was and still is an artist and has now a career as a freelancer and i'm rly proud of her) but i couldn't see that because i just compared the two of us all the time and sabotaged any attempt she made for having fun with drawing with her) that i sat down at some point and asked myself if i could do this any longer, and i came to the conclusion that no, it really kills me rn.

what made me go into the health sector? i don't even know anymore, i think it was a mixture of "i loved biology, esp. the human body in school" and "my mum is an icu nurse and talks a lot about hospitals, maybe i should check it out"... it was not a well thought through decision, which is so funny because studying medicine was a hell of a meatgrinder ride (also my anxiety and self hatred? still there, but now i wasn't judged anymore because of my art but instead being called a dumb idiot collectively with all the other students because nobody likes med students) and for some reason i was able to get through that despite it not being my passion at all, but i couldn't stand up for myself in art school. i don't even know if i could work through it nowadays, but the good thing is i don't have to ask myself this question anymore, because being a doctor pays the bills, and ever since i left art school i was able to just draw without consequence. which is nice to a degree, my artistic output is not tied to the means of generating money. on the other hand... idk, in another life with more confidence and less worries, i'd love to be some sort of character designer T_T

so yeah that's basically it. at some times i cherished my career decisions, at other times i regretted them deeply, worst thing is i know it has a lot to do with personality, but the fact that we can't change who we are with a blink of an eye gives me the framework to think that the path i took was ok. as in. things happened for a reason and maybe i'm just not cut out for that kind of work. you have to be aware of the conditions of a job to decide if you are up for it. because being an artist doesn't end with "just draw". i myself had an unrealistic view of the job back then too. and the fact that i could not seperate between personal aspects and "doing a job here" was crucial.

yeah, idk if this is helpful at all. i think the one thing that is super important here is to have a realistic view on the conditions of work you are about to head into, and i know this is mostly very difficult to aquire. because unless you really work in a sector there is often no way to fully grasp the situations you can find yourself in (this applied for me also in the health sector, which made me fall into a depression a year ago, but what do you do after you spent 6 years of studying :') ). doing internships and just trying to get to know a lot of things really helps. and - idk how old you are, but if you're really young: it's ok to switch careers at some point. it's even ok to do so when you are older (trying to end on a positive note here because it feels like i just said a lot of depressing things... like don't get me wrong i like my job, the conditions are just fucked up, and again my personality prevents me from switching again but it's also not that easy in germany, BUT it's a valid thing to do, being versatile is good! just... make sure you don't end up with a job that you absolutely hate because that kills it all)

#LONG #sorry #i'm rambling #being an adult is hard and it never ends being a work in progress

[mariejordans]

i honestly don’t even know where to begin with this post, so i guess i’ll start with hi! sorry, i’ve been gone so long, though probably most of you didn’t even notice i was gone lol. sorry for not giving any warning to my absence, and i am especially sorry to the mutuals who have reached out to me that i haven’t responded to. i was and still am struggling with anxiety and depression and towards the new year it was getting to be a bit much for me, so i decided to take a mental health break from social media.

i’d honestly been contemplating coming back, but today i received a dm from someone with a link to a post that was accusing me of bullying and creating fake accounts to bully other people in this fandom. first of all, i would like to emphasize that this is not true. attached below is a screenshot of all the blogs that i own (EDIT 2/9/24: i have since deleted the screenshot for my own privacy and i believe that since i made this post, there has been more than enough evidence to clear my name.) milfsociety is my main account, which i have linked before on this blog and many of my mutuals also follow me on my main, and the rest of them are just me saving my old usernames or other sideblogs that i rarely use, but all of them have been inactive for two months at least.

i do NOT condone bullying ever, and to be continually accused of it by this person is very disheartening. it started with this post (seen below) that i made back in november after seeing a post discrediting marie as the main character of gen v. i admit that my language was probably a bit harsher than was necessary, but honestly my intention was not to send hate to op (which is why i never tagged it with any gen v related tags) but to defend marie. it also wasn’t meant to be solely specific to this one person but as a general post because at the time, there were lots of accounts discrediting marie and to be honest, i was just kinda venting bc of how sick of it i was. (also, just to mention, i have intentionally left out their username because the last thing i want is to send hate to this person.) this was the only post i made on the topic and later i heard that apparently op blocked me afterward (which does not offend me in the slightest since i have since done the same thing) so this honestly should have been the end of it.

i honestly hadn’t given this post a second thought until a little under a month later i received this ask out of nowhere, accusing me of ableism and bullying. i replied to this ask, which i will link here. honestly this ask came as a complete shock to me, because i had honestly forgotten all about my previous post.

i responded to anon and in the reply i apologized to their friend for my hurtful comments and expressed that it was never my intention to attack anyone, especially anyone with a disability, which i did not know about when i initially made the first post. i also explained my side, stating why i made the post in the first place, which i still stand by. originally, i had linked their post in my reply, which in hindsight was a mistake that i regret and i should’ve known better. again, my last intention ever is to spread hate and negativity or to bully anyone, so i deleted the link when i was asked by a third party. this person has also since deleted that post about marie entirely.

shortly after i posted the reply, i guess i can only assume that whoever anon was told them about the reply. i’m honestly not sure if they’ve ever actually read this reply or not, but they made a response to my reply, accusing me of harassment and bullying. honestly, it really confused me at the time, since i’d only made two posts in reference to them, and one was a reply to an ask, but we ended up having a third party account who was mutuals with both of us acting as a mediator to settle things and i genuinely wanted to move on from the situation. we both had each other blocked and it seemed to me that anon was just trying to instigate more drama between us, so i thought it best to just leave it at that. i was also going through some mental health issues at the time (unrelated to this situation even though it didn’t help) and had been considering taking a break from tumblr, and so i thought it would be best to just go inactive for a while.

this is honestly the first time i’ve used tumblr in the two months since i’ve been gone, so i have no idea what else has been happening regarding any other blogs and this person, but apparently i am being named as the sole instigator here and i just wanted to once and for all clear up this issue and my name. i’m honestly not sure if this person will see this post or if they’ll even accept it as truth. i can’t force them or anyone to believe me as i really don’t know what else i’d have to do to prove that i don’t have any other secret accounts other than making this post.

i will probably continue to be inactive on this account as i think it is in everyone’s best interest. i never wanted to contribute or start any drama in this fandom, but i feel like i am partially responsible in how this situation has turned out, so i would also like to apologize to you all as well. i’ve never had an account of mine get as big as this one has (thank you to everyone who liked and supported my silly little ramblings!) and i can honestly say i have had the best time interacting and fangirling with you all about this show and these characters that i love so much and i will continue to enjoy and love gen v and marie from afar!

goodbye for now,

rose (aka mariejordans)

#gen v #heronamedhawks #update this user is actually a racist transphobic piece of shit so please block them and do not give them any more of your attention

[bunnidid-reviews]

is it frowned upon to wish that one could dissociate or have an alter take over in moments that are awful and stressful? genuine question

Hmmm, this blog is really more intended on reviewing and sharing media about complex dissociative disorders, or could easily be related to CDDs. Certainly not an advice blog for this or anything else > < I think any more general questions about DID can be forwarded to @sundropglass (main blog) if at all, just to stay on topic here.

But since you asked, I may as well share my perspective a little bit. I urge you to read it all.

Of course it's something anyone would want. Shut off and let the stress be taken care of for someone else? go off to fairyland a bit? It's actually an extremely sophisticated way of functioning in the midst of trauma; tuck it away, get through the thing that you might otherwise feel like you're dying from.

But where does that stress go?

Say that you had a very stressful day. Maybe one thing after another kept going wrong. And all day, there was absolutely nothing you could do because you had to carry on with a smile on your face and act like everything's fine, while more dismays pile on top of you. Maybe on top of that, you end up having an argument with a loved one and now you have social anxiety and no sense of safety or relief.

This is not out of the norm. People live very stressful lives all the time. It builds up though, all that stress is piled into your immune system if you don't have any release.(Expressing emotions in a healthy manner) It comes out in the ways that maybe you get ill, or spend all day in the bathroom, or get a migraine. This is what we call the body keeping the score (a book I should read tbh). What the mind doesnt handle(dissociates from), the body will.

This is what people with CDDs regularly go through. Trauma = stress that's beyond your range of coping. Chronic trauma means chronic stress, just stored away in pockets upon pockets where its never dealt with until much later in life. This is why I don't think I know a single system who doesn't have some sort of chronic health issues. The initial trauma may not have killed them, but maybe the health issues that come from all this chronic stress might just finish the job.

This isn't even addressing what the disorder implies mentally.

Look up the symptoms of PTSD, look into personality disorders, attachment disorders, anxiety, depression, suicidal ideation. Any trauma-based symptoms could come with a CDD, because there's nearly nothing special at all about DID or OSDD. They're not sectioned off 'incredible' disorders as much as media or people on the internet will imply. We are normal people who have been hurt. A lot.

We have this disorder because no one came to save us, so we had to turn to ourselves, sometimes at an extremely young age. There's no measuring the amount of hurt it takes for a young child to feel this alone.

Going off this ask alone, but because you wish you could dissociate to such the intensity as you're suggesting, tells me that you haven't actually. Daydreaming or spacing out is a very minor case of dissociation, but the level at which you're having alters would imply that you're hoping to dissociate much further than you actually think you want. Do you not want to recognize your own spouse, or be completely unable to be present in the best moments of your life? This doesn't shut off when you're happy again.

Say fine fine fine, yes yes yes to all of this, you could deal, because at least you'd be another person who would bear the responsibility for you.

I hate to tell you this, but that's not how alters work. They are, at the end of the day, still part of you. They don't magically whisk away all this stress they face, they'd still hold onto it, be strongly effected by it, and you're a lot more likely to have the same stress come back over and over again and go unprocessed because of the fragmentation involved.

If it's to ease off some of the responsibility of being yourself, then.. Well that's not what happens with DID either. Those of us with a CDD tend to feel overly responsible for everything around us, actually. It's not the escape you're hoping for.

In a short answer: Yes it is very believable to want this disorder, to want alters. That's understandable even!

But I'm also going to say this is frowned upon. There is a LOT more to these disorders than some spacing out and some cool characters. I hope you can understand a little more why this mentality is frowned upon; no one who has it actually wants it when it comes down to it

BUT i HAVE GOOD NEWS FOR YOU ANON!! Please listen

It's okay to want to be someone else to get through the stress. It's even okay to turn off your brain and space out. These are natural human things. Just.. They don't have to be a disorder. There are some recommendations for coping that aren't hoping to have a CDD, but might suit you if you struggle with this:

Try to analyze your life and see what it is that's causing you so much stress that it makes you want to not exist in such a way. If you're in a bad environment that you can't change, there are still little things you can do to make it better for yourself

Are there things you CAN change? Maybe you can look into getting professional help or finding a new job, or even so much as regularly tidying up the space you're in

Look up coping mechinisms and grounding techniques

Take breaks and let yourself really unwind. Read a book or go outside and look at clouds or something until you feel calm. I promise this feels way better than dissociation

Fun Coping Tools That Feel Like What You Want Out Of Dee Eye Dee:

create a story in your head. If you come up with a world all your own to explore, it feels like having an inner world

Create original characters you can "be". By this I mean be imaginative like when we were all kids. >>Here's a really cool version of what adults can do if 'playing pretend' seems too childish for you<<

Have some staring out a window time. Just let your mind go for a bit

None of this has to be disordered to be helpful, and have nearly the same effect that you're hoping for.

If you are at a point where you want to not exist for suicidal reasons, I really urge you to get some help. There's always someone who wants you to be around, even if thats some time in the future.

#askies #dissociative identity disorder #why yes I did word vomit on this sorry! I have some feelings about it #I think my blog does a not so great job at showing the harder parts of DID becauseeeee Iiiii am reviewing media thats not always accurate #I want people with CDDs to feel less alone in representation but it is far from wanting others to have the disorder bc its fun #actuallydid

[warrior-cats-rewritten]

Do you have any plans for Alderheart? I always thought Alderheart was a boring pov in AVoS, and I kinda wished that they kept his anxiety, and have another WAYY less ableist reason for why he became a healer.

Okay. So I don't wanna do a page for him JUST yet, mainly because AVOS is under so much construction, but I do have some general ideas I can bounce off as things stand.

1. Alderheart is NOT a main point of view. He technically is at the beginning as a bit of a fake out. His POV in canon is a slog to get through anyways, and I personally think it should have always been Sparkpelt.

2. He has anxiety, and he does keep it. He isn't just "worried" often, he constantly feels like everything is going to go wrong, his mind often wanders when he is supposed to focus, he's irritable and tense, and while he wants to be perfect, he also... Isn't doing a lot to help himself. He projects towards Sparkpelt out of jealousy. He never means to, he's just... He's a lot like his dad.

3. The thing about him becoming a Medicine Cat is Squilf going up to her son and gently speaking with him about struggling with his training. She suggests him to be a Medic, proposing cool things he can do. He can make friends in other Clans easier, he can go wherever he wants in their territory at any time, he will be able to visit the Moonpool whenever he wants, and he'll get to work with Aunty Leafpool! She knows he is hating his training, and she doesn't wanna see her son struggling like that. He takes it to heart pretty badly, but he gives it a try when his dad says he doesn't have to stick with it if he doesn't want to.

4. But... He REALLY likes being a Medicine Cat. Sure, it's scary at first, but between Leafpool being supportive and Jayfeather having proper development in the arc to become a better person, the position is enjoyable. It helps that he sees the power that the position offers. He has more influence than his 'perfect' sister will.

5. He is proper mates with Velvet, and still sees her after she goes home. He does it under the guise of herb gathering, and often times WILL bring back herbs, including Velvet Thyme, a very valuable herb.

6. He is still exiled during TBC, and in the end, decides he is done with Clan life. He goes to live with Velvet and Hattie. He recovers, takes his mental health seriously, and improves his outlook. He becomes a better person, and visits Sparkpelt in secret later on to tell her he is sorry.

Please note, I... Really don't like canon!Alderheart. I don't think he is very nice and I really dislike the way the narrative bends other characters to make him correct. I know he is one of Kate Cary's favorites, and the way she treats male characters she likes gets on my nerves, and while I am redoing some male characters to be better, I... Just don't want to with Alderheart.

Embracing his flaws makes him interesting to me. He says kind things, but if you don't validate him often enough, he will try and pull out the same crap Bramblestar does with others. He gets jealous, feels like others are trying to show him up, or replace him. He is loving and patient, but he often projects his insecurities on/towards others and can get wrapped up in a slightly frail ego, an inferiority-superiority complex. He won't take criticism because he needs to be right. He wants to be better than Sparkpelt and Dandeliontuft, not getting/seeing that they're struggling too. He LOVES them, but he's a bit emotionally short-sighted.

He's a good guy, but he needs to work on himself, which is difficult with his father around. When it's just Velvet and Hattie, he does a lot of self-reflection.

#warrior cats #warrior cats rewrite #wcr #warriors #asks #alderheart

[surrexi]

so i've been working at my new job for a little over two months now. i'm supposed to be having weekly one-on-one meetings with my boss to track how i'm settling in etc but because he's outrageously busy (like, the kind of busy that indicates there really should be two people with his job) i'm really having them every two weeks or so.

anyway i had one today, about an hour and a half before the end of the day. and it was going all right, if a little awkward because i'm a socially awkward penguin and i don't know how to mask right yet in corporate land. we were going over the various projects i'm working on, pretty normal, except every so often my boss would make an aside comment that would make me worry Something Was Wrong.

finally at the end of the meeting he's like "so there's a couple things that have been brought to my attention" (did not specify what things, like if it was something i said or i way i handled a situation or work that i did). he sends me a link to a training module he's working on building and points out a specific section that talks about a particular business dude's book about how to be a good team member, which says the key is to be humble, hungry, and (people-)smart.

boss is like "before i talk to you about [the unspecified reasons i am being made to feel vaguely in trouble], i want you to look this over and think about it. and we'll pick this up in our next meeting."

which is currently scheduled for next friday, but he's traveling that day so he absolutely might put it off longer.

he also made sure to say multiple times that if someone doesn't agree with this business dude's take on team building it's fine but also it means they won't fit on boss' team and to mention that although "many states" are at-will employment states (meaning during your first 90 days an employer can fire you without having a reason; note that texas is one such state but he weirdly didn't mention it), the company we work for "doesn't do that," which boss thinks is "very generous" of them because when he was a disney exec disney would absolutely fire the shit out of people at the drop of a hat.

so now i have NO IDEA what i did to make someone upset and/or angry at me or what i did wrong, but by god i have at least a week to obsess over (a) what i did and (b) who the fuck narc'd on me without idk TALKING TO ME FIRST?!

boss has said way more about his weird libertarian politics than i have about my own politics, i have only mentioned my religion in passing/in the context of discussing easter weekend plans with a coworker. i don't think i've behaved inappropriately or confrontationally with any of my coworkers, like with my anxiety i'm always worrying about doing my best to be clear and polite and not make people hate me lolsob.

the only thing i've thought of so far is that i've been pretty firm about working 8-hour days/40-hour weeks unless there's a concrete reason to graciously donate my time since my company doesn't do overtime pay and i'm salaried/exempt. like i have never said i would never work overtime and there's already been several days where i worked an extra 30 minutes to an hour that, again, i do not get paid for. unsurprisingly, boss frames being salaried as "we get to work more than 40 hours a week without it being a hassle because of overtime rules." and i do make offhand pro-labor comments/jokes a lot, but i haven't actually, like, threatened to unionize my fellow office workers. i live in texas ffs, if you say the word union too loud the cops show up.

i just feel like this is unhinged levels of psychological warfare from my boss and it took me SO LONG to find this job but now i'm like... maybe i'm not a good fit for your humble/hungry/smart team, bro. but god knows i don't want to be unemployed again. i just got decent health insurance! i can pay my own rent! and buy groceries and medicine!

ugh. why is everything hard.

#this has been a post #about me #work #capitalism was a mistake #anxiety

[k1ngj0ve]

Random Metalocalypse headcanons

Nathan: I think hes bisexual (but hides it), is deeply emotional, likes and is kind to children but doesnt want any of his own (hopes someone else will have kids he can dote on), the only instrument he plays is piano (but not super well), is straight up the only one here who is actually A Goth, is deeply deeply insecure, has accidentally become a 'can only solve problems with threats' type due to that being how he dealt with bullying. Also he has ALWAYS had vaguelly prophetic dreams since childhood, but cant tell them apart from regular ones and cant always tell if they are good or bad, so he only sometimes does what they say

Skwisgaar: i made a long post about this previously but he has complete dylexia and due to his intense anxiety and his moms general belittling of mistakes he actually is WAY worse at english than it seems like he is and he sort of just muddles through and pretends. His english is much worse when hes thinking about it, which the others noticed, which is why they rarely correct anything he says because hell go silent for 3 days. Also hes bisexual (openly before being in Dethklok) and yes he IS some kind of god child but he probably WASNT appointed for the soul purpose of making babies Toki: not stupid! not 'mind of a child'. Just immature. I headcanon that he was not of-age when he joined Dethklok and someone in Dethklok (i havent decided who is funniest yet) had to legally adopt him to keep him in the country and they kinda forgot. He only hit 21 in season 1 and while he HAD been drinking before that he really started going overboard after it got easier. Also, skwisgaar taught him english (hence same pluralization quirk) but hes now much better at it. Despite his comments about 'superior scandinavian education' he didnt actually go to school and didnt learn to read or write until he was older, but hes very good with computer codes and math. ALSO his parents arent his real parents, he was thought to be a demon child born to a member of the flock with no husband and was adopted to be 'fixed' but ended up just goign towards demonic things since he thinks hes a demon. Is it true? idk. Murderface: Gay but also in-universe many many many many people are attracted to him. Hot people. Movie stars. gay men especially. Refuses to admit hes gay because it feels like 'giving in' to a thing that everyones always said about him. He grew up in Tomahawk with pickles but doesnt have the accent because he took after his grandparents. PIckles mom refuses to admit she knows murderface. ALSO that 'murderface expert' guy is making up at least half of that. he does bath he just has like skin problems and is too impatient to deal with them and too anxious about being made fun of to go to the doctor about minor issues like athletes foot. Hes in a secret highly emotional online relationship with a guy hes only seen in person once because of insecurity reasons

Pickles: trans or cis depending on my mood at the moment ;p Bisexual and knows it but doesnt knwo the word for it. A lot of health problems hes been diagnosed with but he always forgets about. Wears contacts (or just chooses to be blind some days). He is NOT Mollys son, actually, hes Calverts from a mistress which is why his mom hates him so much (also why his dad said he belonged in a 'garbage can', hes referencing that he wishes pickles mom had an abortion). yes of COURSE hes in love with nathan, he just like assumes its not possible and 99% of the time is okay with that. Ofdenson: for some reason i had a misunderstanding for many years that he had ALWAYS been part of the church of the black klok and so even now that i know its not true, i still prefer it. To me, this is why he is so fucking negligent-- in some way the klokateers and audiences must be a blood sacrifice for the apocalypse (or potentially to stave it off? unclear). Additionally he is largely responsible for the entire 'look' of the enterprise. I simply dont believe that half the shit in mordland were ever seen by dethklok or could even possibly have been conceived of by them, let alone asked for. My headcanon is he is the one that started the entire 'branding of the gears' thing and is responsible for the brainwashing (this i think has canon support at least)

#metalocalypse #dethklok #headcanons

[pluralcultureis]

Previous non-host Anon here :(

Yeah we try to co-front with him if he’s frontstuck or has to front. Otherwise, we try our best not to trigger him into the front. It’s to the point where he’s been having panic and anxiety attacks lately from stress and I really don’t know what else to do other than be there for him. He seems to think we hate him or find him inconvenient or something :( I mean he’s not perfect but I don’t see why he would assume we don’t like him. Every time he feels even slightly better he immediately starts to do work again, which is why I think he is so badly burnt out lately. He seems to think that he has to do everything since he’s the host, but it’s been taking a toll on his mental health lately. He also struggles with asking for help, so sometimes we don’t know he’s struggling until it’s too late. We’ve been trying to find coping strategies for anxiety and stuff recently, but we’re still in a stressful situation so it’s hard. I hate seeing him in pain, he’s always in so much pain all the time. He of course didn’t chose to be the host, but being a trauma and symptom holder probably makes fronting awful! We actually had a major host change a few years ago and he was the new host. At first he was doing great getting work done and stuff, but now it’s been a few years and he’s clearly exhausted. I don’t know if or when we’ll have a host change, but he definitely needs a break :(. Being a system is hard enough, but feeling like you have to do all of the work makes it so much worse. I don’t think he understands that he has a very low stress tolerance. I genuinely can’t fathom how singlets deal with life in general. We switch out frequently for the most part because we get exhausted or triggered in the front easily. I don’t know how else we’d exist if we weren’t a system, and I don’t know if we could deal with the stress of everyday life without each other. Even if we don’t all get along, we’re alive because we’re a system, and I’m thankful for that. Being a system may be difficult, but I’m glad we have each other.

It's so nice to have each other. Im a co-host (was??) And I had to take a step back for a few months just because everything was so bloody hard.

Our host hasn't taken a step back since they became host almost 6 years ago now.

They're almost always in front, and refuse to switch if they can help it

I know they're scared of a host change, but with how they've been recently I think they need it. And it's hard to tell them that without triggering a panic attack

Being a system is hard, but if we weren't here for our host I'm worried our host wouldn't be here. I

I'm glad we have him, and I'm glad he has us. It's hard to deal with a lot but I wouldn't trade it for the world

#endos dni #osdd #pdid #did #did system #osddid #pdid system #actually did #traumagenic #actually dissociative #tw vent #tw suicide implications #tw sucidal ideation

[theflagscene]

Twenty Questions for Fic Writers

I was tagged by @tazzy-ace ☺️

1 - How many works do you have on AO3?

I have 37 works, 7 of those are part of series.

2 - What’s your total AO3 word count?

255,686.

3 - What fandoms do you write for?

I’ll write for any fandom, if I know enough about it at least. But the fandoms I have fics on AO3 are; The Falcon and The Winter Soldier, Supernatural, Not Me, The Eclipse, Semantic Error, Between Us and Never Let Me Go.

4 - What are your top 5 fics by Kudos?

Do I Ever Cross Your Mind? / E / (Not Me/The Eclipse)

There Is No Normal / E / (Supernatural)

Want A Do Over? / T / (The Eclipse)

In The Light Of The Morning / M / (The Eclipse)

When The Darkness Comes / T / (The Eclipse)

5 - Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Yes and no, it depends on the comment and how I’m feeling. I know I seem like a loud mouth on here, but I’m actually extremely shy and have generalized anxiety disorder, so interacting with people - even online - can cause me a lot of anxiety so it can be difficult to reply to ever comment.

6 - What is a fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Hmm, I don’t know. I don’t think any of my fics actually end with angst, start with it, run with it or just are angsty in general but I typically try and make endings at the very least hopeful.

7 - What’s a fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

There Is No Normal, I would say that one is the happiest ending for sure. It ends with a proposal and a happily ever after, domestic bliss with a dog and a kid and a happy group of friends and family.

8 - Do you get hate on fics?

Nah, I legit have the best readers on the planet. The sweetest people, who I love to interact with. The closest thing I got to hate would be one little complaint during a Big Bang I was in because I alluded to a character being a switch instead of a strict top, someone saw that and went to the mods to complain instead of coming directly to me. So I absolutely did not change it, because screw their petty ass lol.

9 - Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

All kinds, I’ll write all types of smut featuring all types of genders and sexualities. I’m also willing to try to write any kink (within reason) but that doesn’t mean I’ll write it well lol, I make no promises, I might be total shit at writing a type of smut I’ve never written before.

10 - Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest crossover you’ve ever written?

Yes, I do write crossovers. I think the craziest is actually an unpublished fic that is a crossover of Supernatural and The Void, which is a Canadian made Lovecraftian horror movie from 2016.

11 - Have you ever had a fic stolen?

If so, its not come to my attention.

12 - Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yep, I’m always happy to link to any translations of my works on the original fic, so I always remind translators to drop me a line with a link so I can post it.

13 - Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Yes, I have a co-author that I’ve worked with for like a decade now. I trust them with so much, we work together amazingly well.

14 - What’s your all time favourite ship?

Bro, I’m supposed to have one!? Impossible to answer, no way, next question lol.

15 - What’s a WIP that you want to finish, doubt you ever will?

I’m not really sure, I wanna think that all my WIPs will eventually get done. Because of how my mental health fluctuates, I tend to not to like posting chaptered WIPs because I don’t like leaving people waiting. Which is probably why I only have a couple posted, those ones will absolutely get done. As for non-posted WIPs, well… since they’re not posted there will be no proof of them not getting done. 😈😈

16 - What are your writing strengths?

I have no idea, so I’ll go with what I’ve been told. Characterization, emotional atmosphere and general ambiance. Also smut, I’m your neighbourhood smut peddler for a reason lol.

17 - What are your writing weaknesses?

Spelling and grammar in general, I have dyslexia and mild aphasia due to a TBI that I suffered in my early twenties. Even though I go over my fics dozens of times before they get posted and typically they go to a beta, not always, I’ll admit I am impatient lol. There are still some fuck ups in my fics, even after posting.

18 - Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

Unless I speak it at least somewhat fluently, I don’t do it. If I wanna suggest that the person is speaking in a different language than what’s being written, I just slap it in italics.

19 - First fandom you wrote for?

Pretty sure it was Buffy the Vampire Slayer or Ginger Snaps, I can’t remember tbh.

20 - Favourite fic you’ve written?

One of my faves is actually not even on AO3, it was back in my LiveJournal days. It’s a Torchwood fic, it’s basically a Torchwood version of Alice Through the Looking Glass just way more violent and gory. I might actually go over that old thing one day and eventually put it up on AO3, it was one of my first big fics and it’s still one of my favourite plots.

Tagging - I honestly forget who I follow that writes, who draws and who’s a gif maker lol. I don’t wanna tag the wrong type of creator, so if you see this and wanna take part, then consider yourself tagged! Make sure to tag me back so I can read your answers 🤗🤗

#tag game #fanfic tag #fic writing

[unbrcakablc-hcart]

sleep, chronic, relaxation, stress

all about health meme (answered ooc cuz vash would never share any this shit)

sleep: how many hours a night does my muse sleep? do they take naps? how restful is their sleep? do they experience nightmare? if so, how often?

{honestly, for vash, it varies... a LOT. in extreme cases, he gets as little as 3 hours (which is thankfully rare), and on the other end, he's been known to sleep for 12 hours straight (which generally means he's about to fall ill). most of the time, he falls between 6-8 hours, due to the fact that he wakes up between 7-9am no matter how late he falls asleep, which ranges anywhere from 10pm to 1am. it doesn't help him feel any less tired most of the time.}

{if he thinks he can get by with it, he DEFINITELY takes naps, and it's something he's started to do a lot more now that he's travelling with a group and feels safe enough to. he did it occasionally when he was on his own, but usually when he was between towns; he otherwise felt like he was being lazy and wasting time that he could be spending helping other people, and it's still hard to fight the feeling sometimes.}

{his general sleep quality HAS improved though, because now that he sleeps with wolfwood and the rest of the gang every night, he feels like it's relatively safe to take off his prosthetic arm and that they'll probably protect him long enough for him to put it back on if something were to happen.}

{but he still isn't very restful when he's asleep; he shifts around a lot and finds himself waking up slightly through the night whether he really registers it or not, typically because of chronic pain. on top of that, he's a light sleeper anyway; he used to be a deeper sleeper, but he's kind of trained himself out of it... in that he has so much anxiety. all the time. and knows it's never really safe to get TOO deep in sleep.}

{he's also... pretty nightmare prone. he tells himself he's used to it and for the most part, that's true, but god knows there's a lot of shit he just REFUSES to process and acknowledge that his subconscious dredges up when he's asleep and they've just gotten worse the longer he's been alive. he has nightmares more nights than not, and he tends to remember the more intense ones.}

{this man is honestly so sleep deprived please help him.}

chronic: does my muse have any chronic health conditions / illnesses? how do these affect them from day-to-day?

{so first of all. by this point vash definitely has chronic fatigue. and he definitely has a form of chronic pain. i'm tempted to give him fibromyalgia on top of everything else he has going on because it's something i personally have and idk what it's like to NOT have fibromyalgia honestly.}

{if you were to ask vash, he would tell you that it doesn't affect his day to day life much. and probably he's not entirely wrong, because this is just... The Way He Lives Now.}

{but he looks perpetually tired and almost always looks like he's in a little bit of pain, but he's gotten good at playing it off and hiding it. it's a small part of why he wears his shades All The Time; if he does things right, no one can notice the circles under his eyes and the wrinkle between his eyebrows that reveal these things.}

{he also tends towards having a bit of a limp when the pain really starts to get bad; he can force himself to ignore it, and usually he puts forth an effort to hide it so no one will notice enough to either worry, or take advantage of it.}

{vash is a very paranoid little man who hates giving off signs of weakness or vulnerability and if he starts to actively complain, he either trusts you a LOT, or you should worry. most likely, both.}

relaxation: what does my muse do to relax? do they find it easy to carve out time to relax?

{answering this one for lostcompact!!}

stress: does my muse handle stress well? what is a surefire sign for others to tell that they’ve become stressed? how does stress affect them mentally / physically?

{vash can handle short-term stress pretty well; if it's something he knows how to handle, and he feels like he's helping someone, he almost relishes the stress and is pretty in control of the situation. it's why getting shot at doesn't REALLY bother him anymore, at least in the moment; it's afterwards where you have to worry.}

{the more stressed he gets, the more vash fidgets and squirms idly. this can be hard to detect if you've just met him because the guy already naturally fidgets, but if he starts to mess with his handcuff or if he starts to mess with his hands more than usual. he usually only really touches his handcuff when he's getting VERY nervous.}

{and, of course, he starts to whip out the empty, hurting grin.}

{in terms of behavior, he kind of goes... just about everywhere, but he makes an even more concerted effort to be funny, like SEE WOULD A DEPRESSED PERSON DO THIS [becomes the worst most annoying clown of a man no man's land has ever seen], but he's also got a tendency to just start crying at the drop of a hat without even knowing why, usually the moment he stops being busy and stops performing for people. this habit is one he hides the MOST.}

{stress especially results in him eating less frequently, feeling more nauseous, starting to shake, and having a harder time putting his thoughts together. if he's stressed AND feeling useless and worthless, his self-care just walks off a cliff to die, much to the chagrin of literally everyone he travels with, and he's being forced to learn to stop doing that.}

{his mental issues... also generally get a lot worse. his depression and anxiety ESPECIALLY.}

#livlaughlovio #ooc #ask #ask game response #about vash #long post /// #{SORRY. SO SORRY.}

[goldenhaz]

Hi! Can I request a Rafe x reader.

Where reader is struggling a lot with depression or being sad (if ur comfy with that?) and rafe comforts her just alot of fluff 🥺

I love this idea 😫 I’ve been mentally unstable the last two weeks, so I am here for this. I hope you enjoy :) If anyone is ever struggling, I’m here for you❤️

Summary: Y/N has been really depressed lately, and she doesn’t have a thought to explain why. When her boyfriend realizes that she’s not her usual self, he’s there for her in a heartbeat <3

Warning(s): angst, slight suicidal thoughts, depression, anxiety, suicidal talk, LOTS AND LOTS of fluff

My head is a Jungle

Sadness. Depression. That feeling of being empty. That feeling of being so low that there’s nothing to motivate you of doing anything ever again.

I didn’t have a reason to feel depressed, but at the same time it was everything that gave me a reason to be. I didn’t have the motivation to go anywhere, do anything I loved to do.

I wanted to disappear. I wanted to leave this earth, and never return. Or maybe even go MIA on everyone until I’m okay again. Or maybe if they’re doing fine without me, just stay MIA. Either decision didn’t bug me. I would’ve been fine with both.

I hated how much of a jungle my head felt like. Nobody would ever want to be near me again if they knew what was going on inside my head.

“Y/N, please come down to eat, love.” My mom yells up in a sweet voice, causing my eyes to burn with tears. I didn’t want to leave my bed.

It has been a week. A week of laying in my bed, not going anywhere. I haven’t even had the energy to answer my messages from all my friends, and boyfriend especially. I only used my phone to listen to my music, and that was it.

I knew Rafe had become concerned with how his texts started sounding, but I also knew it wasn’t enough for him to completely have a heart attack.

My lack of appearance did that alone actually.

I sighed before slowly pushing my covers away, looking around my room. My clothes were all over the floor, my blinds shut so it was dark yet you could see the sunlight trying to peek through.

It was summertime. Which should’ve made my mental health skyrocket upwards instead of shooting downwards, but I just couldn’t feel or be okay.

I pulled my hood back over my face as I opened my door, sniffling slightly as I made my way down the steps slowly. I kept my AirPods in, putting my hands in my pockets.

I wasn’t even hungry. If I ate that meant I had to work off the calories. Which meant I had to be active.

I didn’t want to do shit.

When I got downstairs, I realized that the actual time of day looked as if it was almost sunset. I padded towards the kitchen, seeing my parents scurrying around.

Date night. No wonder.

If I wasn’t around, they wouldn’t have to worry about making my dinner, or even my presence in general. It would be easier for them. Everything would be.

My mom turned to face me, a sad but concerned expression on her face when she saw my state. I took my AirPods out, feeling even more empty than I already was.

“Honey,” she sighs, coming over to hug me tight. I should’ve loved the feeling of being loved by my mom, but that voice inside of me was telling me she had to love me. I was her child, she had to.

I hugged her back as an answer, she lets go a few moments later before looking me in the eyes. “Dad and I made your favorite. It’s nice and warm, just came out of the oven,” she explains, motioning to the steam coming off the meal on the stove.

She turns to look back at me. “We are also going to pick up your favorite sweets after our reservations.” She says with a soft smile. My dad comes over to hug me tight, my mom joining.

“We love you. More than you know,” my dad mutters into my ear before kissing the top of my head. They soon break the group hug and leave the large house, leaving me by myself.

I sighed as I looked over to the meal I used to absolutely love, not feeling hungry by the sight and smell of it. It just wasn’t something I wanted. I wanted to go back upstairs into my bed, and hide away from the world. Hide forever. Maybe leave the world forever.

Unfortunately I am not that lucky.

I could feel the tears beginning to form once again, my darker thoughts starting to cave in as I tried to shake them away. Why can’t I be okay? Why can’t I just be normal? Be happy?

I let my body slump onto the hardwood floors, my head dropping the floor. My AirPods fell from my hands, not wanting to hold onto anything anymore. I wanted to disappear. Leave the world forever. Never see the light again.

“Babe?” I heard my boyfriend’s voice say. I didn’t even notice his presence had come into the house, too zoned out of the world to want to notice. His footsteps got closer to the kitchen, the sound of his steps stomping abruptly.

I didn’t even bear to look up at him. Knowing if I did, I wouldn’t be able to talk. “Baby,” he sighs slightly, coming over to me before bending down to my level.

I shook my head, I couldn’t do this. Not right now. He shouldn’t be seeing me like this. “You shouldn’t be here,” I say, noticing my voice is completely hoarse and dry.

I hear him sigh. He is quiet for a few moments, then I see his hand come into contact with my chin to lift it so I was looking at him.

When I met his eyes, I could see the concern and sadness across them. “Y/n/n,” he says, making my bottom lip quiver.

“I hate it here, Rafe. I don’t want to be here anymore,” I begin to sob, Rafe immediately scooting to my side to wrap his arms around my waist. I let his arms comfort me, his warmth making my tense muscle sooth as he caressed my arms.

“Can I ask why?” He asks cautiously.

“I don’t have a reason. I’m just not happy. I don’t want to be like this anymore, I don’t care what it takes. I hate this feeling, Rafe. I hate feeling so empty, like nothing will ever be good anymore.” I cry, hearing Rafe sigh while he kisses my head multiple times.

He lets me cry in his arms on my kitchen floor, for what feels like hours, but is only a few minutes. He then takes his arms out from around my waist, putting one around my back and one under my knees before lifting me up.

I let him carry me wherever he was going to go, which was to my kitchen where the meal my parents made for me. He set me softly on the counter, his eyes never leaving mine. He puts his hands on my hips, caressing them soothingly as I calm down from my breakdown.

“Well I’m not entirely sure how I can help, but I want to help however I can. So let me say my truth,” he questions me softly, making me nod as I wipe under my eyes.

Rafe uses a hand to take my hood down, exposing my rats nest of a head of hair. “I want you to know that I want you here. I want you existing. Because without you, without your presence, or your smile, your laugh, or even your terrible jokes that are a bit funny,” he jokes, making me smile a little. His eyes pour into my own.

“I wouldn’t have changed to who I am now. I wouldn’t have become better without you. It wasn’t because of my dad, or Sarah, or Wheeze. It was because you were there every step of the way as I became sober. Became okay. Because of you, I know how to love, how to care, how to be somewhat normal. I love you. I love everything about you. Your happy days, your harder days or weeks like today, I just love you.” He says, making my mouth slowly part to a smile. He smiles back just as much, rubbing my sides up and down with a reassuring squeeze.

“I love you, so so so much. I promise you that I’ll be here in every waking moment, until you’re feeling like yourself again. I’m not leaving your side, so you’ll have to get used to me living here for a bit until I make you laugh as much as you used to.” He jokes, earning a small and slight chuckle from my lips.

Rafe smiles ear to ear hearing my small noise, kissing all over my face before planting his lips softly on mine. “There’s the laugh I love hearing. Music to my ears.” He chuckles, kissing me a few more times.

He holds me for a few more moments before looking back at the food that was still steaming.

“How about we try to eat some of this amazing smelling food I see? Get something in this tummy of yours? We can bring it upstairs and we can just lay together and try to get you to eat?”

I smile with a slight nod, thanking him with one more kiss to his cheek and he hugs me tight.

#angst #depression #rafe cameron #rafe cameron imagine #rafe cameron x reader #rafe cameron fic #drew starkey obx #obx fic #drew starkey x you #drew starkey imagine

[starryeyedrogue]

mental health update

hey everyone. this’ll inevitably be a long one, so feel free to skip. TLDR: hiatus; mental health update (as mentioned). 

tw: depression, anxiety, dark thoughts.

like I said above, this’ll be a long one, sorry. this spring has been a hard one. there’s no real reason why, but it has. I don’t have a job. I’m not going to school. my home life is fine, normal. even still, I can’t get out of this hole. I’ve always known I have depression, since probably 4th grade, but it’s never taken physical form. I’ve skipped church/events for weeks thinking I had covid or some other sickness, but after some research and lack of typical illness symptoms, I realized it was my depression. my body aches constantly. headaches and migraines are constantly around the corner. I haven’t slept well in weeks, months. my comfort activities (gaming, D&D, writing, painting/drawing, cooking/baking, music) don’t do anything anymore. it’s hard to get out of bed most mornings, though I pass it off as the overly warm or cold temperature and the fact that I’m not a morning person. my mom was the one who noticed these things first; she’s been where I am, so she knew the signs. I don’t know how I didn’t notice sooner; it’s my own mind and body. I keep having dark thoughts, too. not of suicide, I would never, but the typical depression things of “I shouldn’t have been born” or good old “everyone secretly hates me. that’s why I don’t get responses. that’s why no one’s noticed. no one cares, just stop talking already and leave them alone.” I don’t do self harm, either, but my habit of anxiously picking the skin on my fingers is slowly progressing into constantly having raw skin and blood on my hands. I try to stop, but I keep zoning out (ADHD) and find myself with stinging thumbs. I know full well I need to get over myself. I’m a grown adult. I don’t have “real” responsibilities like bills, a job, or schooling, and I don’t have a significant other to worry about. I worry about my friends and family, of course - guilt of not reaching out or doing better is killing me - but my habit of checking on my SO to make sure they’re not cheating on me or somehow hurting themselves at work isn’t there. 

constant pressure from family is eating away at me. I know I need a job. I know I need to do something with my life. but I can’t. even remembering to mask, eat, drink, and take care of myself in general is painfully hard. I’m in the process of “repairing my mask” and looking for a job that suits me, but it’s hard to do when even my favorite things don’t spark passion and joy in me. 

I posted a quick message on facebook a few days ago asking if anyone wanted to join a oneshot D&D game. all I asked for was that no one makes fun of my religion, Christianity. my post was taken down over “bad religion and agendaposting” (not at all my intentions), and I got hundreds of hate comments in minutes. I think that’s what made me realize how bad it is, my depression I mean. I cried for two nights straight, barely managing to keep my mask up around others. it’s stupid, but I can’t mask anymore. it’s just gone. tears keep coming, even if there’s no good reason. I don’t want to tell my closest friends and family members because I don’t want to burden them with this. I know they’ll see it, but still. I’m sorry. 

I’ll still be doing D&D every week, since talking to my ridiculously feral best friends helps a lot and writing campaigns distracts me for a bit, but I won’t be posting much, if any. I’ll queue enough for the week and respond to my asks & tags, but unless I get more I won’t really be here. I’ll be back before next week I’m sure, or I’ll probably post a few small things here and there to distract myself (seems to be the larger amount = how bad I feel when I rb a lot, which makes no sense. I’ll mostly be offline thought). I’m only posting this so no one worries; I’ve seen people go MIA on here and I’ve felt that worry and fear that something’s happened. it’s nothing against any of you, I just need time. that said, if anyone comes forward needing advice or help of any kind, I’ll still do what I can. I’ll always be here for all of you, no context or previous friendship/conversations needed. if anyone has any tips to deal with this or the dumb things that seem to help me with this (i.e. dumb jokes, anything pippin related, dog/pet pics, plants/woodsy pics, recipes, etc), please share. please let me know. nothing I’m doing is working. thank you in advance <3

#please skip if you don't want to deal with bad mental health crap #i don't want to seem that way but I literally cannot reach out first right now. i'm so sorry #i desperately want to talk to my friends/family for the sake of talking but can't for some reason so please reach out first #roguespeaks #mental health update #depression #anxiety

[schumigrace]

so sorry about the anon hate; i feel like it happens whenever slight criticism/not overwhelmingly positive opinions are aired. it's happened to me with various other drivers, too :/

but anyway! i have two fairly expansive points for you! and some extra bits of discussion, too :) <3

a) the "lando paydriver" thing seems to have originated from a singular article written by a quasi-"journalist" fan on a fan-based journalism site, with no real evidence and, probably more importantly, hasn't ever been corroborated by any of the actually trustworthy, legitimate f1 publications. it's also been propagated by those who don't particularly like him who've just seen that his father is wealthy and have made assumptions.

he talked his dad's wealth in a quite measured way on a podcast a year or two ago; he essentially had his dad's backing through the junior series (rather than academy or just sponsor funding) which let him be more flexible with what, where and how he was competing (mainly being able to nope out of the general vicinity of helmut marko), but he set a boundary with his dad that f2 would be the last thing he paid for.

lando won the autosport brdc award, which was affiliated with mclaren at the time, which lead him down the path of simulator tests and eventually signing as a junior with them, which lead to the simulator, test and reserve driver roles he had in 2017-2018. which lead to him signing for his debut f1 season in september 2018, when he was still 2nd in the f2 championship.

the paydriver moniker is a strange one nevertheless; as you say we've seen a good number of actual paydrivers and sort-of paydrivers and even not-even-really paydrivers prove themselves to the point where there is no point or even merit to bring up how they got into the sport in the first place. and so at the end of the day... if you had the money, why wouldn't you?! i know i would lmao

b) i don't think i can ever begrudge lando for what can be interpreted as only ever talking about mental health when it pertains to himself. precisely because it does pertain to himself; lando opening up about the doubt, the anxiety and his mental health being at its worst in his rookie year is incredibly brave, and quite frankly inspiring to me. i know it lodged in the back of my mind when i eventually had to stop bottling everything up and talk to my family and eventually go to therapy/counselling for my anxiety. he might not always be the most eloquent about it but it will always be a point of admiration for me.

for everything else i feel that's just up to a lot of interpretation; i think he does genuinely struggle when it comes to packaging his non-driving related press into a way that is understandable or even palatable to those who aren't fans of him, and sometimes he doesn't always hit the mark; he's by far not the most eloquent driver on the grid.

there are nuances to everyone in the paddock, and i think we sometimes forget just how much scrutiny all these guys are under and how much the quotes used in articles can sometimes really miss a lot from the context of tone, be cherry picked or twisted. and even after all of that, lando arguably gives over more of himself to public scrutiny than anyone else with all his streaming and other social media activities.

and, i almost always hate this reasoning but it does have to be said, we forget how young he was coming into f1, just freshly turned 19. and already with a big social media following even then; the maturing you'd go through over 5 years would be very strange and not always linear. it's a weird one.

overall while i do hold lando quite close to my heart (as you could probably tell) he can be marmite-y to those who don't "get" him. and that should be okay, too.

and anyway f1 is just a game of picking your favourite fallable tax dodgers! people often take anything and everything much too far to heart for these 20+ "some guys".

hope you have a lovely day/night anywho, and apologies for the long message :)) <33

hey nonnie. thanks for this! I really appreciate your take on this (and thanks for being so respectful about it!)

I should clarify, I also admire lando discussing his own mental health. The issues I have come from his apparent reluctance to speak out when it comes to the abuse other drivers face, again - I'm only basing this off of what I've seen, and I've personally never seen him go to the defence of anyone else. It only makes me uncomfortable because as an ambassador of a mental health charity I'd just, idk, expect more ? I guess. But like you say, they are at the end of the day just "some guys", and we probably shouldn't expect a lot from any of them.

Anyway. I don't really have much else to add to this, I think you've made some good points

#*says im logging off and not commenting further* *immediately comments further*

[thatnarcissisticfeel]

hi! so i don’t rlly know how to even phrase this but lately i’ve had a lot of stuff getting worse, none of the “basic” diagnoses i have (like depression and anxiety and stuff) describes it at all. so i’ve started questioning if i maybe have a personality disorder bc it’d all make sense, both the behaviors and how i see the world and why its only getting worse and more noticeable now etc.

i keep finding myself in cluster B PD traits and lately ive been reading more on NPD and i genuinely completely see myself in the description of the covert subtype. i always blame others for everything and am completely unable of accepting or feeling guilt. nothing is ever my fault, its always someone else doing something or provoking me or it’s the way i was raised or it’s because of the system etc. i’m deeply insecure but hate showing any kind of vulnerability. when i’m in a vulnerable position i get ashamed and angry bc i cant stand feeling weak. i often get so angry i do shit that could easily destroy all the relationships i have. i never apologize (unless it’s a situation where i have to in order to save the relationship but still never actually feel sorry) bc that’s showing vulnerability and admitting i’m wrong. i always compare myself with others, i used to think this doesnt apply to me bc i generally don’t care about typical things such as popularity and status as i’ve always been an outcast - and it’s kind of a major part of my identity that i feel different than everyone else (even though its most likely just how i was forced to learn to cope with being excluded), but i’ve come to realize i absolutely do always see myself as “the worst one” in terms of mental health. i can’t stand others talking about their issues bc no you don’t even have it that bad at all, i’m worse. i feel like no one will ever be able to truly understand me bc the majority of people are npcs anyway. no one thinks for themselves, they dont have any self awareness and just do what they’re told. i treat others like shit but still expect them to be nice to me because i deserve it because i’m sick. i deserve more attention from doctors because of how unwell i feel. i should be the one that gets treated first. i obviously never voice these feelings but it makes me so pissed off when i have to wait like i’m never important enough for anyone. like there was this one case when i had to wait longer for my appointment bc some girl came in due to an emergency and all i felt was angry and annoyed and like when is it my turn to get taken seriously?? i completely lack affective empathy and very rarely genuinely care about others. others being sad annoys me and others being happy makes me angry, sometimes even to the point of having homicidal thoughts. i’m envious of pretty much everyone who i consider better off than me. and again i dont mean shit like money or clothes but more like just the ability to be normal, having close friends, being in a relationship, all that stuff i know i’ll never be able to have bc of my mental illnesses. i’ve never been able to form genuine relationships, i do have a few friends but they all mean nothing to me and are just there so i’m not lonely. i’ve never been able to feel love or affection for anyone. and when i think abt it i dont even really want to be like them, i just want to make them suffer. i lie to everyone and only reveal my “true” self when im having a breakdown and basically cant control myself anymore as i have so much suppressed anger inside i sometimes feel like i have to genuinely put effort into stopping myself from physically attacking others; who cares abt words when im that far gone. and even then i later turn it around and make it seem like im just depressed and stuff (which is true, but theres also so much more no one knows about). everyone around me considers me a shy meek polite nice caring person and it just feels so ironic.

idk what to do at this point, genuinely. writing it all down like this makes me sound so fucked up even though i act relatively normal when i’m stable enough. but in reality i feel like on the inside i’m just breaking, i’ve had to turn to drug abuse as its literally the only thing that helps me cope with everything & prevent me from being even more destructive (towards both others and myself) and its making me even more short tempered when im sober and even more paranoid someone’s going to find out and get me in trouble. my therapist knows about it but doesnt do shit. ive been on so many psych meds before but its as if literally nothing ever works on me. like i would never normally seek advice on tumblr out of all places but i thought just maybe i would get understood here as i keep getting just either ignored or insulted on places like reddit (sure jan calling me a psycho is definitely going to help my issues when all i did was fucking ask how to cope with my issues).

sorry abt the wall of text. do you have any advice? ive been going to therapy for years but its all useless. i cant be honest with anyone for pretty obvious reasons. i just really dont feel like living for much longer. but even just acknowledging this ask and not judging me would mean a lot.

I obviously can’t diagnose you, but I will say a LOT of what you said is behaviors that and I other NPDs do, which makes me think that even if you don’t have it, advice and such that is geared towards pwNPD could help you. Unfortunately there isn’t much self-help geared towards pwNPD (I say self-help bc clearly your therapist is not a good therapist for you and I know it would probably be difficult to get a new one), but DBT workbooks are a good place to start. I think they’re technically geared more towards BPD, but they can definitely still help narcissists. Stuff like this is why I hate how much NPD is stigmatized, because we all DO deserve help and we all DON’T deserve to feel like this.

It sounds pretty basic, but are you a part of anything like online NPD/cluster B support groups, ie discord servers? Obviously they’re not a cure-all, but even just being around people who have the same thing and who you don’t have to mask around can help. If you don’t have any I could happily provide some if I can find a public one. Of course, communities like that can be a hit or miss, but it’s definitely at least worth a shot to try to find a group of people who are struggling with the same thing.

Another piece of advice, which might sound completely neurotypical on the surface, is to start journaling or writing down feelings. It might seem like just a small thing but having a place that only you can access where you can talk about things like vulnerability could be a good starting point, because at least you’re admitting it to yourself and getting it out there in some way. Lying to everyone and not being able to show your true self is really exhausting, so having one space that’s yours and yours only where you can learn to be comfortable with being vulnerable — even if it’s just to yourself — is a tiny thing that can work wonders. It doesn’t have to be some super dramatic “dear diary, woe is me” type thing, it can be something as simple as “Today I fucked up, and I know I fucked up, but I still blame xyz, I hate xyz.” That way you’re getting the vulnerable thoughts AND the angry thoughts out there without 1.) hurting others with the angry thoughts or 2.) having to show vulnerabity which would hurt you.

Of course the end goal might be to “unlearn” the behaviors, so to speak, but that can’t be done overnight, and until it is done, it’s better to have a few places to be open, even if it’s just amongst yourself or other pwNPD.

I hope this helped, lmk if you need more advice — and definitely know that you’re not alone, as cheesy as it sounds.

[golbrocklovely]

Unpopular opinion, i think fans are really mean towards Sam and there's not such a big reason behind it. He really wants to help people in his own way and just because his way of coming out with a piece of advice or a way to offer some kind of support is just different from Colby's, that doesn't make him less caring than Colby

Also, i don't understand why people hate on his dumb and wise newsletter or whatever u wanna call it because there aren't many influences who take their time to do something like that (i mean starting from scratch and managing to come out with something, cuz forwarding emails is easy afterwards) and also takes time to find things that might come in handy for fans who need that piece of advice. If Sam does this, even if it's a lot of Internet information and his side notes in that email, he did something good, tho unnecessary, a money grabbing brand. But if Colby comes on Snapchat and starts talking about life, he's a role model and he's so amazing and look how nicely he responds to questions and how nicely he speaks. Colby is way too overrated when doing the bare minimum any influencer should do, like staying in touch with fans and talking about mental health and anxiety and problems that don't go away by clapping ur hands. I appreciate a lot the fact that he talks about this stuff, don't get me wrong, especially because Sam and Colby are 2 of a small number of influences who address these important topics, but when they're both trying to answer their fan's questions or even talk about it how well they can, why try to make a difference between them? One might have a certain pov, while the other one has another pov and that should be alright. Any topic should be seen from more povs, it's not just colby who's right, it's not just sam who's right and u can't stay sam hasn't been through depressive episodes and bad anxiety. If he doesn't talk about these things is strictly his choice, but u can't say that he sounds cold and very objective when talking about stuff because "he didn't go through it"

This thing is literally like u and ur best friend giving the same answer in class but ur best friend gets the credit because "she's prettier"

Where i use u, I'm not talking about u 😂💜

this is so fucking long of a response to you. omg, i apparently have a lot of opinions lol

well, i can only speak on my behalf and say how i feel about the advice both boys give.

while i love the boys a lot, i do think sometimes their advice isn't as universal as they make it seem. i think that sometimes their lack of acknowledgement towards their own privilege makes it hard to want to listen to them. bc they give out advice and think that it will work for everyone listening, when that's just not the case. i do think over the years they gotten better at recognizing when their advice can help and where it can't, but they still struggle to realize that (especially for neurodivergent ppl) their advice doesn't go as deep as it could. or that in general, their advice isn't as prolific as they believe it to be.

like with metalife. one of the major problems i had with it is that a lot of their advice was basic or surface level. a lot of their philosophies weren't that deep. hell, most of the things they said on that site they said on the life project first, so they were just repeating themselves at that point. and while it's great that that worked for some ppl, i think it's also fine to admit that it doesn't work for most fans, especially those dealing with deeper issues. but that's okay. i don't expect snc to have the answers to my mental health issues. they aren't professionals. but i think another major problem was just the fact that anytime they gave advice, it was hard to listen to it knowing that they haven't lived a 10th of the life i have. i don't wish for them to struggle like i have, but when they are miles above me in every which way, it's hard to listen.

as for the split between sam and colby, again, i think it has a lot to do with how they sound. and while sam is genuinely trying to help, i do think that sometimes his words don't quite hit the mark. i think sam has a tendency to just repeat what other ppl say just bc that advice worked for him. which is fine, bc realistically none of us have original thoughts anymore lol, but if the advice was barely advice in the first place…. repeating it and putting your own spin on it lessen it's value.

i think there is also this out of touch attitude that sam can get that colby for the most part doesn't have. like, when sam wrote about not living for your vacations in the dumb and wise email….. like, bro, in this economy? you're telling ppl not to live for vacations, as if they can even get one in the first place?????? you just sound out of touch. i get what he was going for, but there are better ways to have said it. and he makes himself more out of touch by looking up to musk and bezos. i get it, you're a business man. but there is no ethical way to make billions of dollars. and then to keep it all??? even worse. and to top all of that off, he never apologizes for upsetting fans. he'll just ignore things until ppl forget or stop talking about it altogether. and while i get that for some situations, doing it all the time doesn't work. it makes it sound like he doesn't want to listen to fans.

also, i just gotta add this in bc i just remembered it, he has this vibe/attitude/whatever of "feel less, work more". he's surrounds himself in so much business but does little to no introspective work. he doesn't allow himself to feel, and would rather be busy all the time. but that doesn't work for anyone, let alone him. and i think that if he would allow himself to either work thru his emotions or just…. feel for once, he might be able to give good advice.

and while i say all of this, i still genuinely love sam. i can love him and still be annoyed at him tho. both things can be true. bc on a basic level, i feel like he does try his best to give the advice he thinks will work, but it comes across a bit pretentious bc he doesn't recognize his own privilege. and his dumb and wise emails, if i even read them in the first place, i just kinda shrug off and go about my day. sometimes i read them and think "oh that's good advice" but for the most part, i don't pay attention to them.

and as for colby, i think (and i know, at least, i feel this way) a lot of ppl relate to him more than they do sam. maybe it's bc sam is extremely closed off so we don't know as much about him as we do colby. maybe for some ppl (even tho they'll never admit it) they just generally find colby more attractive than sam and thus are more likely to listen to him. who knows, who cares. for me, colby comes in with advice that at least shows hesitancy. he outright refuses to answer questions about mental health problems, and tells those that need help to seek professionals. i don't think i've ever heard sam do that. maybe he just ignores those questions and instead goes for ones he thinks he can answers, maybe i just don't remember him doing what colby does. either way, colby tells does that, and then any of the advice he does gives, he follows it up by saying "this may not work for you, but this is what worked for me" and that alone puts him above sam in my book for giving advice.

that hesitancy shows a more realistic side to him than sam. sam comes in with a certain tone that's just very matter-of-factly, that there's no way he's wrong. colby, bc he's cautious about what he says or at least understands that his words may not help, shows that he acknowledges what he saying. he's not just regurgitating something someone else said in a book he read.

and i think as much as colby claims to be private or closed off, he tells a lot more than he shows. i don't think he realizes how much stuff he's actually told fans, and just that bit of vulnerability helps to make a connection. that's why i believe he probably does struggle with depression and, at the very least, anxiety. he's shown us what he's like after being super anxious all day. he's told us the stories of needing to take tums everyday at school. and as for the depression, which i know is just an assumption on my part, there are things he has said in the past (like not being able to leave his couch for weeks on end, like feeling like he was on autopilot, like isolating himself from ppl when he's feeling bad) that makes me believe he has struggled with depression without realizing it bc those are things i went thru as well. and that, i think, helps fans connect with him more. if sam struggles the same way colby does, we wouldn't know bc he doesn't tell us. and i get that he has every right to his privacy and that he doesn't have to tell us that information. but bc colby has, with or without his own knowledge, means ppl connect with him more and want to listen to his advice.

all of this being said, if you don't agree with me, totally fine. you might relate to what sam says more. that's great. if his advice works for you, please listen to it and use it. i'm just saying it doesn't work that way for me, but that's okay. i don't look at sam as less than bc of it. i still love sam. he's just a bit annoying sometimes lol

#ask #personal #sam and colby

[mouseratz]

I truly truly hate how initially some online communities were presented and did feel like a place to see people struggling in the same ways you were and feel less inhuman or othered for it, and how it's evolved into an obsession with diagnoses and proving on a list every single thing you have "wrong" with you and proving just how quirky and relatable you are because of it.

it can still be that first thing, but the second thing encroaches in on it. you can't just see what you're going through as an Experience, it needs to be sorted into traits and symptoms of something.

and I don't say this as someone who thinks psychology isn't real or people don't have these things- that's not what I'm saying. no, my point is, really:

A. this is the result of an attempt to sanitize and make mental illness more marketable- that whole idea of, this is what's holding you back, you'd be normal without this, this is why you're failing at capitalism! let's sell you things for your anxiety and depression and ADHD! go get em girlboss!

B. this other part, people don't do from ill intent, but it has resulted in people focusing a lot more on what the Name of whatever mental illness they have is and ensuring it's real and Verified, as opposed to focusing on how to make your day by day life a little easier. like that's the point of even seeing a therapist in my personal opinion. (And, yes, there are absolutely shit therapists and a million fucking problems in the system, but that's a different discussion.)

it doesn't mean you aren't mentally ill, it just means focusing on what you can do instead of What You Are, your identity. (Which I'm also not saying is totally unimportant.)

i just feel somehow the discussion on mental health and healthcare seems to start and end with diagnoses and prescriptions. People say go to therapy as an online insult and then when you do, nobody knows what to even expect, or what the purpose is.

it's strange, you're essentially asking yourself over and over, what is the work you have to put in to try to make your life more liveable? it's daunting. it's overwhelming at times. and I think that's the part that making it all relatable and funny and clean and cut and dry leaves out entirely, how messy recovering from or learning to live with it better can be.

and in general, in both therapy and beyond, some of the most human parts of any of these experiences are being sanded out, erased, because they're too "ugly" to make into either a palatable shareable meme or a marketable product. it's all work in cutting out the parts of mental illness others can't consume.

you need to become a clean, crisp line, something easy to see, marked by a defined identity. sort and group yourself nicely. sort and group your day by day experience nicely, orderly, tell me which personality trait came from what mental illness today, make a spreadsheet picking apart your own goddamn skull. you're not a person. you're made of your own suffering. a patchwork of cutouts from the fucking dsm, that's what you have to remind yourself of, that you have that broken head, and it's in everything you do, and you'll never escape it. you can't live with it, because it is you, it is your start and your end. if you got any better, well, you just wouldn't be you anymore.

this is not my most eloquently worded post. but also this is Tumblr dot com and I am just tired and frustrated. I'd appreciate it if you didn't send me hate mail about it.

[bloominglately]

Waking Up

There is a fine line between self improvement and acceptance. I would like to have both. I would like to be a better person while also loving and accepting myself for who I am now. I don’t know, is that possible? I have missed out on so much in life due to an anxiety fuelled propensity for avoidance. I am a very young 30 years old. I don’t have a driver’s license, and I have never been on a date. There are many other things that I am embarrassed to admit, I have never done. I would like to change my life and put myself out there. I avoid out of fear, self loathing, and depression. I escape in food and YouTube and social media and Netflix and I am done doing that. I think I am finally at a place in my life to work on myself in a meaningful way. I am starting a l glow up journey and would like to share my progress with others who may relate or be in a similar situation.

I would like to improve every aspect of my life including:

Physical Health/Weight: I would like to lose about 70-80 pounds. Right now, I am around 210 pounds. I was 220 pounds at my highest weight; I have lost about ten pounds since May 2022. I also have PCOS, sleep apnea, aching knees, digestive issues, and constant fatigue. Right now, I see both a general practitioner, and a naturopathic doctor as well as a few specialists. They have encouraged me to lose weight in a non-judgemental way at my own pace. I am very fortunate to have access to healthcare. I have all the right tools and knowledge, just need to actually apply myself, as they say. Overall, I’d like to have more energy, lose weight, heal my fatty liver, and get rid of my sleep apnea. I just want to feel better and look better.

Mental Health: I have been diagnosed with generalized anxiety, social anxiety disorder and major depression. I have a therapist and it’s going well. I am not currently on any medication but have been in the past. My goal is to feel less anxious and depressed, and to be able to function at a high level and feel well. I truly believe this is something I can accomplish. I just want to wake up with enough energy to get through the day. I would like to not hate myself. I’d like to feel secure and have a little self esteem.

Beauty/Skin: My skin is AWFUL right now. I have both trichotillomania and excoriation disorder (hair pulling and skin picking disease). I almost never pull my hair out anymore (which is great because I didn’t used to have eyebrows or lashes) but I still pick at my face, A LOT. It does not help that my hormonal imbalance from PCOS is causing me to have intense acne. As soon as I turned 30 a hormone bomb went off and I haven’t recovered since. My skin has always been pretty bad, but lately it has been so awful that I’ve kind of given up on it. I am getting back into the skin care routine now, but it’s been a huge hurdle. I am caught in a never-ending cycle of acne, in grown hairs and dark spots. Please skincare gods I humble myself before thee. Imagine having wrinkles, cystic acne, and hirsutism. What a joke.

Career & Education: I work in higher education and am in the process of applying for a master’s in education. I would like to also do a master’s in music as this is what I studied for my undergrad, however right now an M ED. Is a little more practical. Since I work in higher ed, the college I work at will cover my tuition, which is fantastic. Honestly, I think this is the only part of my life that is going relatively well. I have a decent job which is why I think now is the best time for me to really try to tackle my goals. I at least have a bit of money to finance them. I would also love to start a side hustle as a producer/composer. I am a little rusty though but also determined.

Personal/Social Life: I have a few close friends and live at home still. I don’t mind being at home though, as my mom is not well, and I like to be there for her. I also enjoy spending time with my siblings. I just wish everyone would clean up after themselves. Other than that, no complaints. I do wish I had some more friends and a more exciting social life; however, I think I need to nurture the relationship I have with myself as well as my existing friendships.

Romantic Life: LOL. DNE. I don’t think I am ready for this right now. I would like to work on the other aspects of my life first.

Finances: I have a shit ton of student debt. Like 70k. But no credit card debt. I want to pay this off as quick as I can. I would like to own a house some day, but I don’t know if that is possible in this economy. I would really love to be debt free and have a decent chunk of savings. Right now, I have very limited savings, and a whole lot of debt.

Those are the areas I’ll be focusing on. Anyone in a similar boat? I feel like I have been sleeping under the veil of depression and have just woken up. I am realizing now how much I’ve missed and how much I regret. I have definitely experienced some sort of arrested development (it’s one banana Michael, what could it cost? Ten dollars?). Does anyone else fell like they are playing catch up? Would anyone like to join me on this journey?

#glow up #self improvement #weight loss #adulting #self discipline #happiness #self care #skincare #personal #therapy #mental health