#literally why am i alive

[eempty-ssoul]

i see the years passing through and im not getting any better. how miserable of me.

#mentally exhausted #mental illness #wanna kms #literally why am i alive #i dont wanna be here #depressive thoughts #anxiety #mcr saved my life

[insignificantfailure]

im so fucking useless

#all I do is consume without contributing anything to society #i feel so guilty for eating breathing taking up space buying things producing trash wasting people's time and energy #literally my existence has no meaning #why am i alive #literally w.o.r.t.h.l.e.s.s. #tw depressive #tw depressing thoughts #tw depression #depressing shit #sorry for being depressing #im exhausted #i hate everything #i hate my self #more than anyone else #i dread having to exist #self h@te #i'm sad #mentally tired #vent #venting #personal

[normasshearer]

If anything had to happen to one of us, why did it have to be you?

LOVE AFFAIR 1939, dir. Leo McCarey

#filmedit #filmgifs #filmblr #classicfilmedit #classicfilmblr #oldhollywoodedit #classicfilmsource #cinemaspast #cinemaspam #fyeahmovies #dailyflicks #romancegifs #love affair #love affair 1939 #1939 #1930s #*mygifs #'if anything had to happen to one of us why did it have to be you?' what if i buried myself alive #i still prefer affair to remember but both films are still emotional gut punches. it helps when they're literal carbon copies of each other #the moment michel/nicky finds the painting in terry's room i am INCONSOLABLE

[daisyswift3]

So I think I may have cracked the code. Listening to Clara Bow w this context in mind from the 4th, 9th, and 10th 🎃 messages makes the lyrics cut even deeper and explains the purpose of the anthology.

What Taylor is essentially saying is that above all else she is proud of her humanity. “Human. Human. Human.” “Flesh and blood.” Unlike some ppl in Hollywood like greedy big suits (cough SB^2 cough Big Machine cough) she’s managed to keep her humanity intact and didn’t let these negative experiences corrupt her or turn her bitter. She was able to find peace and courage in spite of it. And she’s saying I am abt to come out of the closet and while I am hopeful I’m also a little fearful. But isn’t that an amazing thing? Because being fearful, sad, furious, insecure, hopeful—these experiences are unique to humans! “Your heart beats red and hot and furious in your chest.”

“And most importantly, they will know about the human heart.” THIS is the purpose of the anthology. This is why she released 31 (13 backwards) songs for her fans to dissect and decode. Bc she wants them to understand that she’s not a god. She’s a flawed human just like the rest of us.

I think there’s a very good chance that THIS is what her movie is going to be about. Her journey out of the closet and all the hardship that came along w it and helping other ppl to understand the human heart. And I wouldn’t be surprised if there was a memoir that was released w it—“the professor said to write what you know.” And it makes sense too why the manuscript lyrics match perfectly w the all too well short film. Bc they’re talking abt the exact same thing!! She has a relationship w a much older man, experiences heartbreak, heals, and then writes abt it in a book—the story of us AKA the manuscript.

And this is why 🎃 kept referencing the story of us. I couldn't make sense of it a few months ago but now in hindsight it all makes perfect sense. Message in a bottle was probably a red tv vault track for this reason too. Bc the message in a bottle is the manuscript. The puzzle pieces really do all fall right into place.

#taylor u fucking crazy brilliant woman #this is literally the whole ‘fucking story’ #it literally just clicked for me that this is why she had the film references at the end of the manuscript #idk that i’m gonna survive the movie #thank you 🎃 anon for sending these beautiful messages and giving more context to these already incredible songs #i can’t believe i get to be alive to witness this i am actually in awe #ik none of this has happened yet but i just wanna say that i am so proud of u already taylor #we’ll be here every step of the way #pumpkin #clara bow #kaylor #closeting #ttpd #the manuscript #all too well #all too well short film #all too well 10 min version #post malone #message in a bottle

[simplykorra]

sometimes the simple truth of being alive just...moves me

#ava silva #avatrice #warrior nun #avatriceedit #warriornunedit #avasilvaedit #alba baptista #albabaptistaedit #it is a very big loving ava silva kind of day today friends #i am deep in my feelings about her #also alba is going to be a fucking massive star and win a shit ton of awards #also taking these notes as a chance to point out to this growing trend i see where people keep talking about ava like she's dead #she isn't #that's the whole point of the end of season 2 #why bea let her go #she's okay #she's alive #and she's literally already back in the world #so let's stop with the ava's dead stuff okay? thanks #anyway #favorite character #number one #it's not particularly close #myedits

[rystiel]

he wanted to grow old with jack 😐😐😐😐 even if jack couldn’t grow old with him 😐😐😐😐😐😐

#you’ll see me die of old age SHUT UPPPPPPP #bro doomed himself with this line btw #torchwood #ianto jones #captain jack harkness #janto #i hate stupid gayass shows why do they do this shit to me #then he says they better make the most of it ?!!!!??!! #he’s not even saying like Oh You’ll Still Be Alive By The Time I’m Old And Dying #he’s literally saying I Want To Make The Most Of My Time With You Until I Die Of Old Age #SHUT UPPPPPPPPPPP #i haven’t even finished s3 i’m still in the middle of this episode i just. had to post about it #update: finished season 3 #i am going to end everything. goodbye #❤️ #ianto you did not deserve that

[avassharpe]

insp

#warrior nun #warriornunedit #avatrice #ava silva #ava x beatrice #beatrice #* #I am SO aware that ava is alive and well #i just was going through my blog and saw this post and was like FUCK it fits so well for these two #being that ava is literal sunshine #anyway dont hate me bye #korralone #katbarrell #also the fuck is this new photo uploader. why is it so complicated lol

[sprinklethetangerine]

Hey, I just watched Dead Poets Society for the first time ever! Now, if you guys don't mind, I'm gonna go sit in the corner of my room and scream!

#me very politely asking whoever made this movie to revive Neil (i am holding them at gunpoint) #NO BECAUSE WHAT THE FUCK #what about my anderperry you cant do that... my anderperry you killed it... why ☹️ #no but literally i usually cling onto one character in every show or movie and the rest i could care less about guess who it was for dps? #NEIL IT WAS FUCKING NEIL AND THEY KILLED HIM #i am rotating his father on a fire like a rotisserie chicken and feeding him to dogs. #i hope his father dies a slow agonizing death. i will boil him alive. #me at the end of the movie waiting for someone to say psyche or people to jump out with cameras and tell me i was being pranked #me before: “haha people seem to like this movie a lot it sure seems interesting ill check it out” #me after: “what is life...” #no but all of them standing kn the desks was so AHHHHHH #and i qant to fucking fight that bitch whatever his face was idk i forgot most of their names #the chatterbox tattletale snitchy bitch #thats his name now forget his actual name #dps #dead poets society #anderperry #since i mentioned it in the tags #nuwanda literally was like “sure yeah ill get expelled but i wont rat you guys out” #but chatterbox tattletale snitchy bitch mister “you forgot about the homework” over here is like “yeah so i told them everything” #i am exploding his head with my fucking mind #he deserved that punch so fucking bad

[natelia-aldelliz]

Guys imagine, Roach died, before the creation of 141, but Soap is able to see his ghost. He was originally following Ghost around, really annoyed that he was using his death as an excuse to not get close to anyone, but when he found out Soap could see him and talk to him he started following him around instead.

And they get really close, like two peas in a pod, except they have to be discreet about it because no one else can see or hear Roach, and they'd think Soap was crazy if they saw him talking to no one.

They use that for shenanigans too: Roach will go follow someone else and report back to Soap, Gaz is genuinely starting to believe Soap has superpowers or something. It's really useful on missions as well, and Soap managed to successfully rescue team members thanks to Roach being able to move through walls and everything.

(Roach is not the only ghost Soap is able to see btw, just the only one he's talking to.)

And then Roach is witnessing his past lover trying really hard to not fall in love with Soap, and Soap trying really hard to not do anything about the love he already feels, and he has to try and convince Soap that he is dead. During that conversation he finds out that something else that keeps Soap from doing something is that he feels very confused about everything because he also has feeling for Roach.

So now Roach has to try and convince him that even if he was still alive he wouldn't have a problem with that. He's known for a while that he was polyamorous, but he hadn't really dared talking to Ghost about that because he thinks he's jealous and possessive.

And Soap is like "oh yeah, you want me to go say to Ghost 'don't worry about your dead lover that I'm not supposed to know, he's actually polyamorous and also in love with me, I know because his ghost told me!' ??? I'm sure he's gonna take that well!"

But Roach is nothing if not resourceful and he manages to put Soap in situations where he's forced to interact with Ghost, and eventually they kiss and their relationship is beginning to be something. They're not really sure what.

And Roach is sad, because he has to watch the two men he loves being in love without him, yes, but at least they're both happy, and it makes him feel a bit better. And then during a mission Ghost almost dies.

Because he was alone and Soap and Gaz were together, Roach was following Ghost this time, ready to fly to Soap in an instant if there was any problems. But there was and he didn't have time, so he instinctively grabbed the gun being pointed towards Ghost's head and moved it as the person was shooting, saving Ghost's life, giving him enough time to shoot the enemy himself.

But even as the threat is eliminated, Ghost is still looking up from where he's on the ground, staring right through him, looking shocked. No, not right through him, he realises when he moves to the side and Ghost's eyes follow him. He also realises that he grabbed the gun. He's never grabbed anything before, in all his years of being a ghost.

Then suddenly Ghost's eyes move wildly around, and he figures he disappeared from his view. He can still go through the walls, but he's kept the ability to grab stuff when he wants. It gives him a ton of new possibilities, to fuck with people and, of course, to touch Soap.

"I wish you were actually alive," Soap whispers to him, holding his hands against his face as he's falling asleep.

"What the fuck," comes Ghost's voice the next morning, waking both of them up - wait, since when could Roach sleep?

Soap doesn't understand immediately, because he's always been able to see Roach. But Ghost is standing in the door, looking straight at dead past lover.

Turns out Soap is a necromancer and he had no idea, though the whole 'I can see dead people' should probably have told him sooner that he wasn't normal... The more he wishes Roach is alive, the more he actually is. And they all end up happy and together. And Gaz is very happy to have won the bet that Soap indeed has superpowers.

The day Roach says, in a wondering voice, "I... I think I'm hungry" is the day they understand that something is really happening and he's actually coming back to life.

(Also, Soap has no control at all on his abilities, he has no idea what does what and why, he knows nothing. No one knows.)

#cod mw2 #simon ghost riley #john soap mactavish #gary roach sanderson #soapghost #ghostsoap #roachsoap #ghostroach #ghostsoaproach #accidental necromancer soap and ghost roach au #this is not organised at all bc my head has been hurting for days and i feel like i'm dying (i'm being overly dramatic don't worry) #this came to me when i was watching megamind don't ask me why #anyway i can't even read that again bc the words make no sense to me when my head hurts so sorry if it actually makes no sense for real lol #omg imagine ghost being interrogated bc someone reported him for sleeping with soap and he goes 'do i sleep with my sergeant? #yes i do but i don't only sleep with one of my sergeants i actually sleep with two of them; one having been dead for 4 years' #and they go 'dead as in... pronounced dead but actually alive?' 'no no dead as in actually dead as in buried; dead dead' #'so you *were* sleeping with him in the past?' 'no i am currently sleeping with him. with both of them.' #and then price has to gaslight sooo hard to make it all right they're literally taking years off his lifespan #and when he complains they giggle at him saying that it's alright bc soap will bring him back anyway if he dies for their sins

[aroanthy]

i love how fraught and complicated discourse around various utena characters ‘dying’ is when anthy is literally stabbed to death eternally by a million swords imbued with human hatred. and then utena gets stabbed to death by them also. like. ‘death’ is incredibly interesting in rgu because most of the time it’s this ambiguous figurative thing that has interesting implications re: ohtori as a closed-off world one can escape. we are all trapped in our coffins. mamiya is the only named character with a grave. nemuro memorial hall functions as one all the same. ruka is implied to have died in the hospital— was he dead all along? who was the boy we saw for these two episodes? is this dead boy the same boy, or is this just another coincidence from the shadow girls, cutting like a knife? it’s heavily implied that akio and anthy murder kanae by poisoning her, adding to the previous implication that they were poisoning mr ohtori too, but there are no perceptible consequences of this. kanae’s absence is not felt. she’s fed an apple slice. what happens to the bodies? we know what happened to the 100 boys, but what about everyone else? and so on and so forth. ‘death’ is a tricky thing in utena, i think it’s constantly functioning on figurative and literal levels in very different ways for very different purposes. dios died. dios was dying. dios didn’t die. he grew up. etc etc

#what am i trying to say here? #idk! think about all of the pieces you have #dying is complicated in ohtori in countless different ways #and i find it boring to see so much ‘this character is dead and that’s it’ stuff #when death is used farrrrrrr more figuratively than some ppl give credit for #and i think the movie too does wonderful things with death #and what ‘dying’ really means #being disbelieved. being forgotten. being rejected. haunting despite this #much more interesting to think about wrt commentary on abusive relationships than it is #to think about what?? oh me when my brother died but plot twist he’s alive and can walk on this road all cool. like????? #akio doesn’t have the power to make himself revenant #he THINKS he does and he absolutely has power when he’s alive and he imbues that power with such meaning that it does live on after him #but ANTHY. anthy is the one struggling with herself and her feelings and the impact of trauma and abuse (that power!!) in aou #he’s dead? he died? she brought him back through her memories? or she’s left him (metaphorical death) and he’s haunting her?? #all such interesting interpretations #i haven’t mentioned touga bc i don’t have the energy today. if dead and just illusion of others memories then why active. why awful #like in aou akio is only Obviously scummy when he’s alive. his illusory self is based upon anthy’s love for him #if anime!touga is nothing more than nanami/whoever’s memories of him before he died……. why does he actively choose to suck again and again #like nanami wouldn’t do that. unless it was meant to be a subconscious thing like ooo he’s dead all along but that’s not what her arc is #it’s not ‘he’s been dead all along’ literally or figuratively. it’s ‘he’s unsafe and i don’t want him’ #sigh. once again i am asking people to think about nanami and touga’s dynamic through touga’s eyes #it’s so interesting to me how people forget to consider his motivations or feelings on ANYTHING #like sure his motivations and feelings are scummy but they’re interesting!!!!! they intrigue me!!!! #compel me even #anyway ignore how i said i didn’t have the energy for this and then typed it all out anyway #dais.txt

[forcedhesitation]

crazy how he just ignores everyone else and speaks directly to wyll. it's like wyll is like one of the most important characters in this game, or something.

#bg3 #thoughts about media #I'm sure if karlach is there- gort might address her first instead? #I looked at the screenshots from my other playthroughs to see if I had this scene archived. #of course I literally have everything BUT this part. #I mean it makes a ton of sense why gort addresses wyll. #beyond the fact that wyll's father is there- baldur's gate KNOWS who wyll is. the patriars know who wyll is. they know he was exiled. #gort's trying to make wyll feel small and out of place. referring to him as the blade but undermining his heroic image by mentioning- #-his newly acquired fiendish features. also a bit of a brag I think. since gort himself escaped the hells & a devil physically unchanged. #that and I think gortash is like...a perfect mirror opposite to wyll. so to have them at odds over the fate of baldur's gate makes sense. #fits the whole fairy tale theme of wyll's story too. I mean how many stories are there of cheats like gortash being ousted from their- #-unrightful place on the throne by the true heir? the valiant and just prince come to save his people from the cruel lying tyrant? #*sigh* yet another thing that I wish they developed more in wyll's quest. #because this would all feel like a rather complex and complete story if wyll himself is your avatar. #but when he is a companion- I just don't think the quest features enough to make up for him not being the avatar. #I wish there was more of this- more wyll being the focus- more baldurians recognising who he is! it's HIS city after all! #I AM going to enjoy beating the shit out of gortash again though. #he and mizora are on my “top ten video game characters of all time I'd like to see SKINNED ALIVE” list.

[clownjacket]

If Kipperlilly DOES end up betraying Porter/Jace as part of a secret other scheme she has (whether good or evil) and it has to do with saving Lucy, I just know she’s going to be a bitch about it and pull a ‘sorry, I only save High Five Heroes’ before leaving her other friends to die or some shit. And then she will take her final form: Magic Betty from Adventure Time, betraying her allies and saving her frost gf at the expense of the world. It would also parallel what Ankarna is going through (‘your girlfriend’s out of town, it sucks’, becoming a little imperialist rage machine under the influence of Porter/Sunstone but not being able to fully turn on Lucy despite going against her values and turning into a violent weirdo). This is my wish. My dream. I am manifesting it. Magic Betty Kipperlilly I believe in you.

#I am currently painting clown makeup on my face rn but this is what I’ve been rooting for from the beginning so let me dream #Come on though she HAS to have some other shit going on though right? #She was DEFINITLY in that temple when the Bad Kids said Ankarna’s name #Brennan literally rolled #and we know she was in Porter’s office #so WHY hadn’t she told him Ankarna’s real name yet? We know he genuinely believed Fig found it #Also the BKs couldn’t see who was in the window during the Wanda Childa scene #Which one of the RGs has invisibility? #HMMMM #Wanda saying ‘Kipperlilly? Why are you doing this? Is it because you’re jealous?’ before getting carried off by a fake Porter would let KP #know ‘okay they FULLY saw what happened after I killed Buddy and are onto us’ which would cause her to follow them to the temple #Also…if NONE of the Rat Grinders knew Ankarna’s name then what did Lucy write on her form to change her divinity??? #We KNOW it was Ankarna’s name and not the ‘symbol representing her’ because no one could see it BECAUSE the god was dead and no one alive #knew her name #Which means Lucy HAD TO HAVE KNOWN and was keeping it from the others right? #And when she died and didn’t come back they were fucked because they couldn’t even check the form anymore #But #Brennan also said that if Porter WASNT using Devil’s Honey and genuinely believed in Rage And Conquest goddess Ankarna instead of just her #domain then he and his ritual would (maybe) bring her back instead of killing her permenantly so he can take her domain #And idk #A powerful goddess of rage and conquest who despite everything can’t be turned against her sister and ex #who’s resurrection would mean the rune could be broken and Lucy can come back to life #One who has (or had) a personal vendetta against at least one of the bad kids #and a personal vendetta against the people who led to Lucy’s death #that sounds pretty appealing to someone as spiteful and obsessive as Kipperlilly doesn’t it #especially after her best (maybe only real) friend died and didn’t come back #especially if she stayed dead specifically to stop Porter #Again I’m putting my clown makeup on but I don’t want her to be secretly good or anything just unhinged and gay and a parallel to Ankarna #Please world let me have this I’m on my knees #dimension 20

[soldier-poet-king]

Ohh someone come move in with me and be my partner or roomate, a 2bdrm is not double the cost of a 1bdrm and my rent would be 1/3-1/2 less even in this insane city + a bigger nicer place

Alas I am terrified of strangers and obsessive about certain routines and arrangement of things so while my family sucks ass, living with 'find a roomate' ppl and not like, a friend, would be worse

Why is being single so expensive. Fr friends come and move in with me

#and SO. i am paying thru the nose for a relatively small place #bigger than my uni shoe box #but my uni place was LITERALLY 1/3the price #granted it was a collegetown and not The City #but hot damn. why is being alive and being single so expensice #anyway i stressed myself out #:)))) #the duality of fran #and so i am going to go read in bed

[seiwas]

i need iwaizumi hajime (27)

#just him #give me him as ANYTHING #iwaizumi hajime (27) IN ME #FUUCUDKKXKDKKXKEKDKKDKZMA #😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 #why is he so alive on the dash today i literally AM BARELY SURVIVING #i talked so much again #ok im logging back out to write

[cherry-pop-soda]

okay but does anyone listen to bronski beat and does anyone GET IT. they released an album, completely unashamedly gay, in the 80s, during the AIDS crisis, during a time of insanely rampant homophobia and over the top conservatism. they released an album with the age of consent for homosexual activity in every european country listed on the sleeve and the phone number for a legal advice hotline for queer people etched into the grooves of the vinyl. they released an album with the opening track dedicated to a hate crime victim, featuring vocals from an openly gay choir. they released an album with songs about homophobic violence, the dangers of following the bible too closely, about leaving behind everything you know and starting over, about homophobic family and homophobic bullying. they wrote about being gay and being proud of it and knowing that there is nothing wrong with who you are. in the face of all the hatred going on in the 80s they released an album that was in-your-face gay and fuck-you queer, and i love them for it.

(see original tags for a lot more commentary)

#bronski beat #for reference : the album is The Age Of Consent #the man the opening track “Why ?” was dedicated to was Drew Griffiths (who according to wikipedia was a #playwright who was victim to a homophobic murder in 1984) #and the choir was The Pink Singers (an openly gay men’s choir in London) #and like yeah. i know this very much centers gay men HOWEVER . considering everything like the time period and #how songs that would’ve been lesbian (see: Voices Carry by Til Tuesday) being basically straight-washed. and also how rampant homophobia wa #(so getting anything even a little gay released was hard bc it was likely to get smashed down by record stores and companies and #radio stations and music reviewers. and us ones particularly ) #in this case i don’t care whatsoever and besides they did something absolutely monumental for the whole community if you ask me #as a lesbian i am literally so grateful that this exists and i wasn’t even alive at the time. even now it makes me feel seen. #i cant even imagine what it would’ve been like for a queer kid in the 80s to hear that and maybe know they weren’t alone #so in conclusion: bronski beat i love you forever and jimmy somerville i love you forever

[ratskool]

I’m like Johnny Truant in the tags of every goddamn post I make or reblog on this site and I’m not apologizing. If you want me to apologize come over to my house and you can talk to the minotaur about it

#House of leaves #im literally going insane these days I should go back to journaling but I’m also afraid of how far off the deep end I’ll go #Literally I am losing it and I’m being serious #I’m so fucking tired of being lonely and being left out and not being able to make connections #Sometimes I feel as if im doing things without realizing and no one is telling me about it #Other times it feels like I must have something incredibly wrong with my face or body and no one will say anything #People make plans and don’t bother to ask me if I want to join and then when I find out there’s a group chat that all my friends are in #Except me and when I asked if I could join I was given a bunch of reasons that were frankly bullshit why I couldn’t join #Are they talking shit about me? I know everybody there it’s not like I am a stranger #Am I just a stranger in this world as I unllikeable? I try my best to be nice and charitable but what am I missing? #Do I black out and say things and do things? Am I more mentally ill than I know? #The only reason (or one of the very few) why I stay alive is because of my horses because I know they would miss me and I already feel bad #Not seeing them everyday #I’m tired of being the odd one out I’m tired of being entertaining when necessary #I don’t want my only friends to be horses because it further alienates me from the rest of society and I just want to be accepted I’m not #Looking to fit in I just want connection and friendship and I can barely seem to manage that #Maybe I’m just not worth it.