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agmapansa3008 · 2 years

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VegasPete: Thoughts on the Pool Scene™

@blues-tunes I hope you don’t mind that I’m doing a separate post, because I wouldn’t be able to fit anything into those tumblr comments xD

First up, thank you for not wanting to spoil, that’s very considerate! But also, the way my bestie and I were watching that show was essentially frothing at the mouth in wait for the next episode, so I definitely watched the finale the minute I was able to get my little hands on it in Germany.

And I’ll take any and all prompts to ramble about my obsessions, so thank you for that as well. Also I assume you meant episode 14? I apologize in advance for the rambling mess that this will be, but if you didn't mean that pool scene, please tell me!

But yes, omg the Pool Scene™. How do I even start, man, it killed me. Bible and Build just absolutely acted their little butts off and delivered.

The thing that struck me the most, I think, was the sheer desperation, not only from Vegas - who, let’s face it, lost everything he truly lived for, because being his father’s puppet was the only thing he was good for, in his own eyes - but Pete’s desperation, as well. I’m gonna need to branch out and go back a little for this. Let’s take it from Pete’s view for a moment. Escaping Vegas was a miserable affair, not because he wanted to stay, but because he hated himself for not wanting to leave. To go back to him hitting himself - something he specifically told Vegas not to do, because hurting himself was useless, just a few days prior -, punishing himself for enjoying his time with Vegas and then escaping while crying because he didn’t necessarily want to hurt Vegas, but Vegas was hurting him. Everything in him was a mess because he was craving something that logically should repulse him. I wonder how often young Pete had hurt himself like Vegas, while his father was abusing him. How often he felt that he wasn’t good enough because if he was, his father would love him right? Oh how I wonder, how long it took Pete to stop hurting himself and here he was, back at square one, because of an enemy.

(Vegas, meanwhile, in his own clumsy and absolutely emotionally fucked way, really thought that he was treating Pete the right way, really thought that he understood what they had. I’ve seen a ton of analyses of Vegas’ POV, how he thought that the humiliation, the riling each other up, the constant back and forth between them was their thing. He thought that was their relationship. He attacked, Pete fought back, the tension snapped and… well they fucked. Let’s face it here, what would Vegas understand of actual love and relationships? How fucking quickly did he imprint on Pete like a baby duckling? Pete was nice to him once and Vegas bloomed under that like a fucking dandelion in concrete. We only see two other instances of relationships in the show, Tawan and Porsche. Tawan was absolutely just a tool. There was absolutely zero emotion whatsoever in that relationship from Vegas’ side. Porsche, while maybe a little more sincere, was mainly a way to get under Kinn’s skin. I am still pondering to this day if Vegas would have shot Porsche in that last scene. I am honestly not sure. I think he liked Porsche well enough, but if it got him what he thought he wanted, what he thought he needed - namely his father’s approval and the victory over the major family - I think he would have shot him. But hah, guess who he couldn’t shoot just mere moments later? Pete. He couldn’t hurt Pete. He didn’t even fight back when Pete started beating him. What did he do? He kissed him to distract him, told him he loves him and then left after his father. Why? The novel told us. Vegas was absolutely 100% sure that Pete would never choose him over his duty to the main family. He was certain of that. So he left to fulfil what he believed was his own duty. Because what else would he do? There was nothing else without Pete. But speaking of, back to Pete:)

So Pete escaped and had barely any time to cope with everything that happened before he was confronted with Vegas again, with his own feelings for Vegas and Vegas’ feelings for him. You can see my thoughts on that apology scene here, it also absolutely killed me. And after that, the attack happens. He sees Vegas again, is reminded once more that they are supposed to be enemies, has a chance to get revenge, to hurt Vegas back and, man, he hates every second of it. He’s crying while he’s punching the man who tortured him for days. I can’t even begin to imagine the fucking turmoil he has to feel inside. And Vegas doesn’t fight back. He apologizes again, he quite literally puts his own life in Pete’s hands if things go south, he kisses him and then he leaves. What Pete sees next is Gun dead and Vegas unhinged. He’s scared that he will have to do what Vegas asked him to. Scared, because he doesn’t know if he would do it because it’s his duty as a bodyguard to the major family, or because Vegas asked him to. Scared, because he’s unsure if he’d be able to do it at all. But Vegas leaves and Pete does what Vegas thought was impossible. “No legacy is so rich as honesty”. The major family may be his legacy, but his honesty is Vegas. His honesty is his feelings for Vegas and he can no longer deny them because if he does it will destroy them both.

And it nearly does. In contrast to him shooting Porsche, I am, without a single doubt sure that Vegas would have shot himself if Pete hadn’t followed him. Because he keeps on saying it in the show. He has nothing left. No purpose of his own, the strings his father had on him have been cut and he is plummeting to the ground. He doesn’t know what to live for. He lived for his father, he might have lived for Pete, but again, Pete would never choose him right, Pete is better off without him, right? He could live for Macau, but Macau is young, Macau is probably better off without the influence their father and Vegas himself had over him, as well. Macau would be treated well by the major family, Macau would have a good life. So really, what is left? He would have taken the shot, I truly believe that.

But Pete does follow him. Pete finds him just in time and in time Vegas will be relieved that he did, but first, he’s angry. Because finally, finally, this was something that he could choose for himself. Something that wasn’t decided for him, but someone intervenes again. He’s angry and terrified. I honestly don’t know if the English subs were correct, but I love that he says “There’s nothing left” instead of “There’s no one left”. Because while people can bring meaning into someone’s life, it’s much easier to live without people than to live without purpose in general. Vegas, in his own mind, has truly nothing left. For all he knows, Pete is just here to drag him back to face the justice of the major family.

So when Pete says “I’m here”, Vegas’ first instinct is to react with coldness, to react with icy anger. “Why did you follow me, we both know you would never choose me over them!” But when Pete hugs him, when Pete starts crying, the ice breaks. Vegas breaks, just how he broke when Pete touched him back when they held the funeral for the hedgehog (and boy am I not over that yet either) and the anger turns to desperation and grief. The accusation of “Why did you follow me, we both know you would never choose me over them” turns into “Why did you follow me, I AM NOT WORTH IT. Leave, get back to them, because I am nothing.”

And now it’s Pete’s turn to react in anger because “how dare you say you have nothing left, when you haunted me for months. Told me you loved me. I am right here, I chose you, can’t you see me?” But what they have is so incredibly fragile. What they have is so riddled with misunderstood gestures and reactions, with so many flaws. So Pete, who hates feeling used like a pet, hates feeling like he’s nothing more than a toy to Vegas, who hurt himself over enjoying what they had, what he thought they had, what he wished they had, fought to get out of it by hurting them both, reverts back into that position with barely any hesitation. That’s what I mean with Pete’s desperation. He’s so desperate to keep Vegas alive, to keep Vegas by his side, that he denies himself his own humanity. If what will keep Vegas from leaving, is Pete being his toy, then he will endure it. Really, that alone is way more important for me, than Pete resigning from his bodyguard duties. Yes, the major family is his family, he left his family for Vegas, that’s already a huge fucking deal. But he left his own integrity as well. Was willing to sacrifice his own humanity, again something he physically fought for, for Vegas to remain living and to remain by his side. That’s one hell of a fucking love confession if you ask me. (Now is that healthy? Hell no, but nothing about those two is healthy so shhhh, it’s a show, we know it’s toxic, bla bla bla. Do I still love it, hell yeah, I do)

And Vegas, our sweet idiotic Vegas, tries to push him away again. And here, right then, I believe it’s an attempt to save Pete from him. “Can’t someone else take you to eat?” You have other people, Pete, you don’t need me. So Pete hammers it home. Calls himself Vegas’ pet out loud this time, reminds him that Vegas told him he loves him, asked him to stay by his side, that Vegas wanted them to remain together. So why is he pushing him away now, when Pete is finally willing to give him what he wants (but really only what Pete believes Vegas wants). “If you won’t live for yourself, then at least have the decency to take responsibility and live for me!” And finally he sees Vegas hesitate, finally he sees him consider. So he softens his tone, asks Vegas to please look at him, to see his sincerity, to see that Pete means it. (To see the love in his eyes, not spoken verbally, but there without a doubt.)

And Vegas does and for a short moment, they are allowed to smile at each other. For a short moment, they are both allowed to feel relief, to let the tension, the fear, the desperation seep out of them. And then Vegas gets shot and Pete’s first instinct is raging revenge. Again, I’ve seen so many posts about Pete’s gut reaction being to kill a colleague without a single ounce of hesitation and that again is such an indicator for how deep his feelings are running. He had Vegas at gunpoint three times after he escaped and he was never able to take the shot. But there’s not a single second of hesitation now. Also Build just fucking killed that scene? The crying, the screaming? I had fucking chills. I was so so so glad, that I had spoilers for this one thing, that I knew that the show went the same route as the novel and that Vegas would survive because otherwise, I would have bawled my eyes out.

But yes, of course, Vegas survives and we get the hospital epilogue. And I know you only mentioned the pool scene, but really the epilogue ties in so well because it’s a continuation of their conversation by the pool in the best way possible. Because Vegas repeats that he has nothing left, but here, after a near-death experience with both Macau and Pete by his side, it sounds less sure. Sounds more like an “I have nothing left right now, but I might in the future if you teach me how.” And Pete, who hasn’t left his side at the hospital at all, if Vegas' confusion about his whereabouts at the beginning is anything to go by, assures him that he only followed his heart. That right there, by Vegas' side, is where he belongs. And Vegas finally admits that Pete should have never been just a pet to him. Hasn’t been just a pet to him for a long while and never will be again. Finally, finally, both Vegas and Pete are able to be honest and true to their feelings. Finally, they are able to heal together.

#hoh boy #this is a long one #i'm so sorry #apparently a few months later i have still a lot to say about those two messy messy characters #i still love them dearly #but yes #the pool scene #man what a scene it was #absolutely unhinged #i loved every second of it #vegaspete #petevegas #kinnporsche #kinnporsche the series #be on cloud #thai bl #bl drama #darawrites

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harrowharkwife · 4 months

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i'm so used to there just being random unidentified bones laying around everywhere in these damn books that it finally occurred to me, just now, to wonder where the bones on new rho came from. y'know, the bones palamedes always tried to teach nona necromancy on.

they're his.

palamedes, who always loved teaching, living on borrowed time in a body that's not his own. palamedes, mentoring, teaching- parenting, by sixth standards, mind you. and that boy is sixth, through and through.

and the entire point of teaching nona necromancy in the first place was to try and determine if nona is, well, nonagesimus, right? so it has to be bones, it can't not be bones. bones are, like, her whole thing.

but they're not in the nine houses, anymore. things are different, on new rho.

they burn bones here. dig up the cemeteries. a society terrified of zombies will evolve to dispose of its dead differently.

the only bones he has access to now are his own. (camilla wouldn't let anyone take them- skull or hand, doesn't matter. they're still him, and she doesn't let go, remember? it's her one thing.)

palamedes woke up every morning wearing someone else's body to then gently place the shrapnel of his own in the cupped palms of a girl who's the closest thing he'll ever have to a daughter and try to teach her- how did the angel put it, again? normal school, as much as possible, for as long as possible.

(but hey, in a roundabout way, at least it's a chance for him to touch camilla again, right? nevermind that she's not there to feel any of it because he's in the driver's seat, that he can only stay for fifteen minutes at a time. it's atoms that belong to camilla touching atoms that used to belong to him, and that's close enough. he'll take what he can get, these days- if she can be their flesh, he can be the end. so what if holding his own bones is a mindfuck? so what if looking at them makes him nauseous? surely he can suck it up and deal with it for fifteen minutes. it's the least he can do— his poor camilla was the one who had to scrape the bloody pulp of them off the floors of canaan house.)

(speaking of, here's a fun fact: we actually only see nona practicing with the bones one time, on-page. camilla's final line in that scene, before palamedes takes over, is none other than: 'keep going. there are some bones left.' ow!)

remember, too, that the only part of dulcinea, the real dulcinea, that palamedes ever physically touched, was her tooth- the one that ianthe gave him, pulled from the ashes cytherea burnt her down to. he only ever touched dulcie once, and it wasn't until after she was already gone, but that doesn't matter- it still happened, and you can't take loved away.

in this same roundabout, bittersweet, by-proxy sort of way, palamedes has been physically touched by nona, too: the atoms she currently occupies, touching atoms that he used to occupy, and never will again.

the main interaction we've seen between palamedes and his mother took place back on the sixth, with her acting as mentor and him as pupil: the two of them studying a set of hand bones, juno encouraging him every step of the way.

we know that harrowhark's "most vivid memory of her mother was of her hands guiding harrow's over an inexpertly rendered portion of skull, her fingers encircling the fat baby bracelets of harrow's wrists, tightening this cuff to indicate correct technique."

they're still small for a nineteen year old, but the wrists are bigger, in this new set of memories nona's making. and it's not an inexpertly rendered portion of skull anymore- it's a hand, now, albeit one crafted from [a piece of skull reassembled (painstakingly—passionately—laboriously reassembled) from fragments, manually, and not by a bone magician, from the skull of someone who, soon after death or symptomatically during, had exploded.] and the identity and origin of these bones is no mystery at all. they belong to palamedes, and he's consented to their use for this purpose, and that matters.

but the details are just set dressing, really. the foundation of the memory is the same.

palamedes and his mother, juno and her son.

harrow and her mother; pelleamena and her daughter.

nona and her father-mother-teacher; palamedes and his daughter.

#these fucking books. every 2-3 business days i'll find some new detail to be insane about #this post took me like three hours to write. what the fuck #palamedes sextus #nona the ninth #the locked tomb #nona #palamedes the sixth #tlt #ntn #camilla hect #tlt spoilers #pal honey. im :( :( :(#spiritually that man is a MOM okay! there's a reason tamsyn specifically assigned him the same imagery in this scene #that she's been using to represent crucial bonding moments between mother/mother figure and child/child figure #that and the 'sextus you'll make a very irritating wife someday' joke and cam's 'i'll talk to your mother later' face #ie: talk to palamedes about nona #that boy is momcoded i don't make the rules!

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