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sublimecatgalaxy · 2 years

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Helping Hands- Part 3

Pairing: Elliot (Euphoria) x Reader

Summary: The Reader and Elliot have spent weeks getting to know each other more between the sheets. Everyone was going along as usual until the Reader wants to switch things up. 'Things' as in positions.

Song: "505" by Arctic Monkeys

Warnings: Smut 18+ and pure fluff

Word Count: 1.7k

A/N: Everyone is asking for so many more parts of this so on top of this one, I have two more. This turned into like an unintentional series. What word are we agreeing on using when it comes to writing male anatomy lol? PLEASE ANSWER THIS QUESTION I NEED IT FOR THE NEXT PART. I will not use penis😂

Part 1* Part 2*

I didn't think that I ever needed sex.

I was worried about becoming someone who needed it to feel anything for anyone. Worried that it would become something that I would depend on to feel intimacy with a boyfriend or girlfriend. Before Elliot, I could understand the want and need to have one night stands. It was the easiest way to feel something for another person without getting feelings involved.

Maybe I was too anxious for it, maybe I was afraid of feeling used after enough time went by. But that's just me.

I felt the opposite with Elliot.

Sex with Elliot was definitely a plus to our relationship, but it didn't make the whole relationship. We would have been okay without it, but now that I've felt it, now that he's shown me how he can make me feel, I don't want to live without it ever again.

Every aspect of our relationship was still the same; the intimacy, the trust, the laughs, the support. But everything was dialed up by ten. I could tell that he felt closer to me, he was less nervous to touch me now. In fact, he wanted to be touching me all the time at any point of the day.

Sex with Elliot was like trying a new flavor of the same candy. It was the difference between night and day. Same day, but different. He wasn't too different in bed than he was on a day to day basis. Still soft, still flirty, sarcastic, kind. Everything just translated over. No need to show off or act a part. We were just us.

He was needy. Way more than I was. This was something we were already aware of but he was sexually needy way more than anyone I knew. He was always kind, always flirty, about it. He was good at the art of seduction and it makes sense. It makes sense that I'm with the guy who's great with female pleasure.

But I wasn't as smooth.

Stealing glances over at him as he plucks the string on his guitar neck, his lip pulled in between his teeth in concentration. I want to moan out loud at the sight of him, just the simple act of him playing an instrument making me drip. He didn't glance over at me, he wasn't aware of my need and I had zero clue how to voice it.

Figures, right?

He looks particularly pretty today. He wears a shirt that's a bit too big on him, a comfy pair of sweatpants on his legs and his blonde hair is ruffled and messy. He looks delicious.

Sitting up with a huff, I take a deep breath as I listen to the music that he makes. I rise to my feet, the sound of my socks padding against his floor not being heard by the busy boy. Making my way to stand in front of him, he pauses with a smile as my cheeks heat up, flustered. His gaze flickers up at me, teasing and soft as I sway back and forth.

"Hi, baby, what's up?" He asks quietly, his palm resting against his strings. He tilts his head at me, waiting for my reply as I sigh, contemplating my options. I gently reach forward, taking the guitar out of his arms and placing it against the wall next to him. He looks at me with furrowed brows, waiting for me to say or do something.

My words get stuck in my throat so I just decide to act, my legs swinging over his hips as I place myself on his lap.

"Uh, hi. What's going on?" He chuckles quietly, his hands resting on my waist, fingers teasing under my shirt. I shrug playfully, my lips sealed as I wiggle. He waits patiently, no sign of annoyance on his gentle gaze. I take a deep breath, before pressing my lips to his cheek, my lips lingering.

"I want you." I whisper, his body tensing beneath me as I chuckle proudly.

"Jesus, what- now?" He stutter, his head pulling back to look at me, his jaw dropped and eyes wide. "It's, like, bedtime. Aren't you tired?" He asks with worried eyes, looking over at the clock that reads midnight. I shrug with a happy smile, my arms winding around his neck. Our chests press together as he blinks up at me, his lips parting gently. I gently run my fingers through his hair, my lips lowering gently as he gasps. "If you kiss my neck, Y/n, I'm not responsible for what happens after it." Ignoring his threatening words, my lips press against his neck in open mouthed kisses.

His neck cranes back to rest his head in my hands, my lips skimming against the sensitive skin of his throat. My hand leaves the back of his head, the other hand left to play with his hair as I listen to him gasp. Trailing my fingers down his body, I softly grasp him through his sweatpants as his hips jump against my touch. He whimpers gently, his eyes opening to look between us at my hand.

"O-Oh my god, what the fuck- okay." He whispers through a stuttered moan, my lips against the shell of his ears as I whisper.

"Your pants are bothering me, take them off." I giggle quietly, his head bobbing in a nod as I lift myself off of him.

"Yes ma'am." He responds simply and I watch as he fumbles with the string, untying them quickly before shoving them to his ankles. I chuckle at the clumsy boy, my dress slipping off of my shoulders and onto the floor. I slip back onto his lap, his lips immediately attaching to my breast as I sigh. "What's gotten into you?" He asks quietly against my skin, my chin dipping to look down at him.

"Hopefully you." I tease as he rolls his eyes, but I can feel him hardening beneath me nonetheless. He smiles up at me, his lips puckering as he silently asks for a kiss.

"Kiss me." He whines, my lips dipping down to press against his, hands cupping his cheeks. His hips buck into mine, a small laugh leaving my lips as his hands grip my hips. "You want me to fuck you?" He asks breathlessly against my lips as I moan, my head falling to his shoulder.

"No," I whisper, my nails digging into his shoulders as I catch my breath, "I wanna fuck you." I whisper with a giggle, my head craning back to look at him as he blinks, his cheeks warming at my words.

"Uh, yes- Yep, you can do that." He shrugs, the smile on my lips growing as his fingers trail down my body, his hand cupping me through my panties. I whisper out a quiet moan, my lips finding his once more as his skillful fingers work their magic. "Fuck, you're so pretty, baby." He whispers, my bashful grin returning as I slip my hands down his chest, resting the on the tops of his boxers.

"Off." I whisper, tugging against the band of his briefs as he nods, scooting back on the bed. I slip off my underwear as he does the same, my legs straddling his hips as I find my spot once more on his lap. He shoves a few pillows under him, his hands reaching out to rub my hips soothingly. I look down between us, the nerves building in my tummy again as I bite my lip.

"If you get tired or if it hurts, just tell me, please." Elliot whispers, his voice calming any of my worries as he smiles. He gently reaches down between us, helping me position myself against him. He teasingly nudges against my clit, a warning look thrown his way as he chuckles. "Whenever you're ready, bubs." He whispers, his hands on my back as I lean forward, my forehead resting on his shoulder. I take moment to let out a nervous sigh before slowly sliding down onto him. Elliot moans out immediately, his fingers gripping against my hips as I smile wickedly.

After weeks of him filling me up, getting used to the way he snugly slips inside of me, it doesn't hurt anymore. There's a pleasant ache, the inside of my thighs shaking wonderfully. The angle is certainly different, hitting different spots within me that make me shake and tremble. He lets out a shuttered sigh in my ear, his hands rubbing over my back as I adjust. He gently helps me lift my hips upwards, my body already sore from the new position and lifting my hips up and down.

"Fuck." Elliot whimpers, his head thrown back against the pillow as I drag my lips down his neck. He laughs quietly, lips pressing against my temple as sweat drips down my back, the room seemingly hundreds of degrees warmer. I rest my weight on Elliot, his back arching to sit up as our chests press together. I hug him to me, his arms wrapped securely around my waist as he does the same. He helps me bounce up and down, both of our moans mixing as he captures my lips. I squeal as he taps that one spot inside of me, my eyes tearing as I gasp into him. "Are you okay?" He asks gently, his breathing rough as my heart hammers against my chest.

"I think I need you to take over." I reply with a pleasure-filled laugh as he nods, not hesitating to toss me onto my back, not slipping out from me as I squeal.

"My fucking pleasure." He mutters before immediately snapping his hips against mine. I cling to him as I moan, his pelvis brushing up against my clit every time that he moves. He buries himself into me, his face tucking into my neck as my eyes flutter shut. "Fuck." He groans, lips gently sucking against my neck as my hips move to meet his.

"I'm close." I whimper, Elliot's hand slipping down between our bodies to rub quickly against my clit. His thrusts speed up, deepening as much as he can as my walls flutter around him. "Fuck. Elliot, I-" I topple over the edge as he does the same with a loud groan. His hips stutter as I force out a breath, the air thick around us as we gasp and sweat.

When his hips stall against mine, he chuckles quietly, my hands gently rubbing against his back soothingly. Every time we do this, anything sexual in nature, there's always a few moments of silence following, both of us just soaking and basking in pleasure and love.

A few comfortable moments go by, my heart beat calming down as he softens inside of me. I'm still not used to the feeling, and I've never voiced it out loud, but I absolute loved it.

"You wanna move this to the shower and do it again?" Elliot asks with a breathless laugh, my fingers pinching his side as he squeals.

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#elliot x reader #euphoria series #euphoria #elliot euphoria

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rezzyromance · 3 years

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Maybe if you have the time could you do a part 2 to the heisenberg diary one? It's really cute :3

Absolutely! Ask and you shall receive!

(If you are looking for Part 1 you can find it here. Thanks.)

Part 2 Of Karl finding the readers diary

(CW: Sex) NSFW +18

Hey guys! So many of you requested for a part 2 and honestly it made my day. As someone who doesn't write smut often, I am definitely not well versed in all the different "types". That being said, I'm definitely not confident enough to tackle male on male sexual scenarios yet. I try to keep all of my stories gender neutral unless asked for differently, but I have no clue how to write gender neutral sex. With all that being said, the sex that happens in this story will present the reader as someone with female anatomy. I'm sorry if this isn't what some of you were looking for. I will be writing sexual stories in the future where the reader is male, but I'll need time. So sorry for the inconvenience and I hope this doesn't disappoint.- R

After you were sure Karl was far away from the door, you run to shut it, feeling ashamed of your secret being found out. You almost feel like you could cry out of embarrassment. You let out a sigh and begin to get dressed in the clothing he previously grabbed for you. Once you're dressed, you curl up on the bed and try to gather your thoughts and emotions. Obviously he wasn't upset about your feelings. So, does that mean he doesn't hate you or think of you any less? What does this mean for your future? Can you even look at him after this? You groan and shove your face into your pillow.

Meanwhile, he was in his workshop, grinning ear to ear. He wanted to keep teasing you, seeing how far he could push you, but at the same time he didn't want to genuinely make you uncomfortable. The last thing he wanted was to drive you away, especially now that he's starting to feel strange. Could he possibly be falling for you too? He ignores this thought and begins to work on a new project, a gift for you.

A few hours go by and you haven't left the bd. You hear a knock on the door and stay silent, still embarrassed about the whole situation. The door slowly opens and Karl peaks through. "Hey.. wanna talk?", he asks awkwardly. "No." "Good because I'm shit with words.", he opens the door completely and begins to walk towards you with a hand suspiciously behind his back. "Did you come in here just to fuck with me again?", you snap, sitting up and resting your back against the headboard. He smiles at your attitude and sits beside you on the bed. "Well, I'm very tempted to. But, I came here to give you this.", he moves the hand behind his back to the front, handing you a gift. It was a little metal figure of your favorite animal that he just made.

You take it into your hands and hold it, gazing upon every detail. Why would he make you something so nice? Especially after he learned how you felt? Could this be some type of confession on his part?

You hold the little metal animal close and and look up at him. He was staring at your face the whole time, analyzing your reaction. A smile slowly formed on your face and you move forward, wrapping your arms around his neck as you hug him. This caught him off guard and his mouth slightly gapes open. Positive physical contact was a foreign concept to him, but he loved it. He moves a hand and places it on your back. "Thank you so much, Karl. I love it." "No problem, Buttercup."

Your face grows so hot from the sudden new nickname that he can feel the heat radiating off of you. You pull away and he chuckles at your blushed face. "You're so easy to make flustered." he says. His words make you cross your arms and look away. "Oh shut up!", you hiss. His face doesn't change from its usual smug look. "Why don't you make me?", he hums. You snap your face towards his, shocked at his boldness. "I know you want to. In fact, I know you want a lot more than just that. You made it pretty clear in those pages. So tell me (Y/N), is it true? Do you really want me that badly?"

You feel as if you've stopped breathing. You're frozen in place, stuck in the middle of wanting to kiss him and wanting to slap him. Your silence only makes him smile bigger as he watches you grow more and more flustered. "You don't have to be shy. Though it's really cute that you are.", you watch as his gloved hand extends towards your face, gently gripping your chin between his thumb and pointer finger.

He leans in closer, almost grazing your lips with his. His eyes are fixed on your red face, burning into your soul. "What do you want?", he hums. You can barely hear him over the sound of your own heartbeat. "I want you.", you finally whisper. "That's what I thought.", he grins and breaks the distance between the both of you by placing his lips to yours. You don't fight it and instead lean into it, intertwining your fingers in his hair eagerly. You feel him smile against your lips and his hand moves from your chin to your waist, causing you to flinch under his touch.

He pulls away but keeps his face close to yours. "I take it that you're not as pissed as I thought, right?", he snickers. "No I'm still pretty pissed at you." you say as you try to stifle a smile. "If that's the case then you must want me to just get up and leave you alone.", his body begins to shift away and you grip onto his coat. "Wow you're even more needy in real life than you are on paper." You tug on his coat harder, signaling for him to get closer.

He responds by taking his coat off completely and throwing it to the side. With his back now to the headboard and his legs outstretched in front of him, you crawl over to him and straddle his lap. You look at his face and begin to rub your thumb over the scar on his lip. The scar you had mentioned as your favorite. He goes to kiss your finger, but you move it away. "Aw come on. I won't bite. Even if you feel like I'm the predator to your prey.", he teases. "Shit, he really did read my diary huh.", you think to yourself. He could tell what you were thinking as your face grew more and more flushed. "Now don't get all embarrassed on me now. The fun's just getting started. After all, all you want is me, right?", he places his hands gently on your lower back, slowly lowering them towards your ass as he scans your face, making sure you're still okay. "You're quoting it like it's scripture.", you smile. "They might as well be. Good words to live by."

You smile and place your hands on his shoulders, leaning over to kiss him once again. While you were still nervous, you decided to let a little of your anxiety drift away as you grow more and more comfortable. You begin to unbuckle his pants and pull on his shirt, untucking it. He pulls away from you to help you out and completely removes his shirt, throwing it close to his coat. The kiss resumes as you fiddle with the button of his pants, finally unbottoning them.

Suddenly, he grips your waist and tosses you lightly to the side. He gets off of the bed and pulls you closer to him with your legs, causing you to squeal. An idiotic smile is plastered across his face as he unbottons your pants effortlessly. His fierce eyes had a glimmer in them that caused goosebumps to rise all over your skin. Soon, your pants are completely pulled off. He pulls your legs again, causing the lower half of your body to be dangling off the side of the bed. You wrap your legs around him and he leans down, placing messy kisses across your neck. Breathy moans leave your lips as you feel his bulge sit against your now barely clothed privates.

You look up at the sight in front of you. You could see each and every scar that laid on his skin in so much more detail than before. He watched your eyes wander around his body and felt his pride somehow grow stronger as you grew more and more flustered. With one hand, he begins to rub one of your thighs, with the other, he slides up inside your sweater and begins to fondle your breast. He made sure to show some extra attention to your nipple, using his rough and calloused fingers to play with it as you squirmed and whined. "Alright. Enough fucking around.", his hands leave your skin. All it took was a second for your body to miss his touch. Now, his hands were fondling with his pants, unbuttoning and removing them.

The sight you were met with was intimidating. You lifted your head up and swallowed anxiously. His bulge was so big you could almost see the details of his cock as it was pressed against the fabric of his boxers. The tip was peaking out from the waistline, leaking a few drops of precum. You clutch the sheets beneath you in anxious anticipation. He takes a few steps to go back to his previous position of entanglement with you. Even though he didn't have to take many steps, maybe 3 or 4 at most, he walked with a confident stride that both terrified you and brought a smile to your face.

"What's with the grin? You want me to fuck you that bad?", he moves his hands back under your sweater and begins to grope each of your breasts. You nod, too flustered and shy to verbally say yes. "Aw come on. That's all you got?", he leans forward slightly to place his hand on your throat, applying pressure to each side of your neck. "I want to hear you beg for it.", he begins to rub his bulge against your soaked panties. Your legs twitch slightly as you stumble on your words. "Pl-please...", you manage to say. "What do you want?", he squeezes harder, enough to cause your body to tense up but not enough to actually cause any harmful lack of airflow. "I want you.. to f-fuck me... please..", you say. "Good girl.", he lets go of your throat and begins to pull his boxers down to his knees.

You take a deep breath as you feel his tip graze your entrance. Suddenly, your breath hitches as your whole body is pulled towards him, causing you to take almost all of him in at once. You gasp and he looks at your face, making sure your pleasure was overpowering the pain. Once he knows for sure that you're okay, he pushes the rest of him in. With his dick now fully lubricated with your wetness, he grips your thighs and begins to pound into you.

You grip onto the sheets for dear life as you feel him stretch you. You can hear him grunting under his breath with each thrust. His movements were brutal. You felt like you could feel him in your stomach, intruding on your organs as they tied in knots. Without stopping, he leans down again to nip at the skin of your neck.

You whimper under his teeth, knowing he plans on leaving marks for you to discover later. "You like this? Is this what you fantasized?", he switches in between kissing and biting all over your neck. "Mhm", you whimper. His face moves lower, traveling to your breast. He begins to nibble at your sensitive nipple. You wrap your arms around him and respond with a loud moan as you dig your nails into his back. He winces, but enjoys the feeling.

He continues to restlessly pound into you. The air is filled with moans, whines, grunts, slurred swears, and the sound of your skin slapping against his. He moves his hand in-between your legs, placing his thumb against your clit. This simple action alone is enough to make your whole body jolt. He continues to rub it, watching and listening closely to figure out what works best on you. He sticks to whatever makes you scream the louds and grip onto him the hardest. Your body shakes beneath him as it is overstimulated with pleasure, close to reaching it's peak.

He abrupt stops and pulls out. Before you begin to complain, he makes his way onto the bed and sits up, wiggling his fingers breathlessly to signal for you. "Come here.", he says. Once you're in reaching distance, he grabs you by the arms and pulls you closer. You sit down on his cock, dying for more. You both moan, nearly harmonizing as you take in his girth. "Bounce on it. I know you want it.", he says. You do as he says and begin to bounce up and down, feeling your walls squeeze onto his hard, throbbing erection. "Aw fuck yeah.", he moans and lays his head back, closing his eyes tightly as you use him to fuck your brains out. He opens them again to look at your boobs. It's almost hypnotizing to him the way they bounce. "Aw fuck.. look at you.. so desperate to cum.", he says in-between deep, breathy moans. "Bouncing on my cock like a good little whore. Show me how much you want it.", he slaps your ass hard. You pick up the pace after gasping from his harsh hit, your ass cheek stinging from where his hand struck.

He leaned forward and began to bite on different parts of you boobs, leaving soon-to-be hickeys all over your chest. This makes your knees weak. Your legs shake as you struggle to continue to ride out your high. You could tell by the way that your insides burned and ached that you were so close to cumming, but you were even closer to running out of steam. He could see your struggles, so he decided to help out. He grips you harshly by the hips and begins to thrust upwards, slamming right into the spot you so desperately wanted to be touched. To be obliterated. You threw your head back, so filled with overwhelming passion that your moan came out completely silent. "Come on. Cum all over my dick. Just like you always wanted.", he says between gritted teeth. You tangle your fingers in his hair and begin to tug on his silver locks. While it does hurt, he loves it, and continues to pound into your sweetspot.

"F-fuck I'm gonna ...c- cu", you can't even finish your sentence before you gush beneath him. Your legs shake violently as he continues to pound into you. Soon, he cums aswell. He loosens his grip on your hips and you begin to rise off of his dick. You're so shaky that you can barely move, so he wraps one arm around your back and gently places a hand behind your head, laying your face down on his chest. "Just rest for a sec." , he says while panting. You nod and lay down as he says. You were both hot and sweaty, but your skin felt perfect against each other. After a few seconds of you both catching your breath, he raises your hips up, letting his dick fall out of you and onto him. He then lowers you back down and continues to hold you.

"So.. will you be adding a new chapter to that little book of yours tonight?", he chuckles. "...fuck off.", he smiles at your response and places a kiss on your head. "Will things... be different between us now that you know?", you ask, nervous about how he'll react. "Well.. I think they will. But if we get to do this more often then I don't mind." You then hold each other for what feels like forever. Melting into each other and your newly mutual feelings.

#re8 #resident evil village #karl heisenberg x you #karl heisenberg headcanons #karl heisenberg headcanon #karl heisenberg #karl heisenberg x reader #karl heisenberg fanfic #karl heisenburg x reader #karl heisenburg #karl heisenberg smut

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your-fave-transboy · 3 years

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AUs I'm a Slut For

Sorry, these are also self-indulgent. Just some of my favorite tropes that really butter my croissant. I'll be using Barson as the example couple because they're currently one of my favorite OTPs rn. I'll add more as I find them, maybe.

Starting off with something I'm especially partial too, the Teachers AU. There's so much potential, especially with Olivia and Rafael as competing teachers.

Genderswap AU. When done well, I think these are pretty cool. Plus, a fem!Rafael would be so hot, I won't take criticism on that.

Vampire/Werewolves are one of my favorite things to write, and I'm just partial to Olivia as a werewolf, no clue why, but I am. Rafael would be a vampire for sure, dude's a total night owl.

Role Reversal! Lawyer Olivia? The best ADA who defends the victims with the same ferocity as a lioness protecting her cubs? Sign me the fuck up.

Alright, like a basic bitch, I love the Coffee Shop AU. I think because I worked in a similar environment, I can really see the potential for romance there ngl.

I'm a sucker for the Roommates AU. These two assholes would get on each others' nerves so much, but boy would they still go to bat for each other. Plus, Olivia is the messy one while Rafael is the clean one, I am Convinced.

My favorite AU since like 8th grade is the Soulmate AU. No matter how it's done, I just love the idea of everyone having someone that's nearly perfect for them. Or, on the opposite side, choosing someone else despite your soulmate. That shit hits different.

Now, the Triad Verse AU is also something I'm partial too. I've been in a poly relationship, they're pretty nice and stable if done correctly. Idk who I could see Liv and Rafael being with maybe Sonny or Alex, but I haven't given it much thought tbh.

The Harry Potter AU is a staple in this fanfiction community. You know it's a big fandom if they have this AU, even if they aren't everyone's favorite. I like them, but they aren't my favorite. Slytherin!Rafael and Hufflepuff!Olivia are the way to go though.

I'm gonna slip this controversial one in the middle. A/B/O AU is something I'm a lil partial too as well. I'm a sucker for that found family/pack shit. SVU is already like a family so it just makes fuckin sense to me. Also Alpha Olivia is lowkey hot ngl.

Alongside number 9, the Grey's Anatomy AU is also very popular. I don't think I've seen one in the SVU archive, but I definitely think it'd be worth writing. Rafael would make a nice Alex Karev, I think.

I don't see this one often, but the Bookstore AU. Rafael owns a bookstore and Olivia is his favorite customer, so he buys books and shit he knows she'll love and displays them v close to the door just for her. I just think he's a teddy bear underneath all the grumpiness and trauma lmao.

Crime AU. Now, this is like essentially the same as a Mafia AU in my unprofessional opinion. I like the thought of Mob Boss! Olivia and her lovely ADA husband.

The whole Flower Shop/Tattoo Parlor AU? That shit will always be one of my top ten AUs. Olivia runs a tattoo parlor and knows absolutely nothing about flowers, so when Rafael tries to confess his Feels through flowers she's completely clueless lmao.

High School/College AU. Now, as someone in high school, I don't wanna read about it. On that note, I still like the dynamics that this AU gives the characters. I just know Olivia is the mysterious brooding bad girl and Rafael is like that loner nerd who never takes his earbuds out. Yes, I'm projecting.

Magic AU. I feel like this would make the SVU job a lot easier to the point that it just fixes everything, but it also adds and interesting subplot so I can usually be convinced to read these. Rafael uses his magic to make the perfect cup of coffee.

The Pen Pal AU is interesting to me, but I rarely see it done in a way I actually enjoy, which is unfortunate. I think this would be cool in a high school AU where students are writing to another classmate, but don't know who, and Rafael gets Olivia.

SVU is already a Single Parent AU, but like, still. It's a cute ass trope that hits all my buttons of found family and gross domesticity lmao.

I love superheroes, and villains, so the Superpowers AU is dope. I think that would be a cool element in so many fandoms. Olivia would have a physical power whereas Rafael would be mental. I have no clue what, it's just a vibe I have.

I adore end of the world style movies, so the Zombie Apocolypse AU is pretty cool imo. Whether it's a crossover or the end of their world, I'm usually interested. I think the characterization of Olivia and Rafael would be cool to see in such a setting ngl.

#barson #nbc svu #svu #law and order svu #olivia x rafael #olivia benson #rafael barba

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meanandscary · 3 years

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8 more days until my husband graduates from bootcamp.

I cannot believe I survived almost 8 weeks without him. Was I alone in it? No. But I need to honestly stop knocking myself of the credit I deserve.

Still remember the card ride we were on when he was complaining about how dead end his job was and how better off we’d be financially if he had joined the Navy.

We were brand new parents. Hit with a fucking pandemic, living in a shit hole and feeling like shit holes. Our daughter was five months old. I had no job and we didn’t know what the next couple months were going to look like. Let alone the next couple YEARS. It was scary, dark and sometimes felt hopeless.

I remember being at home all day with the baby while he worked. Breastfeeding, watching TV, entertaining the baby and waiting for him to come back. Not knowing when things were going to change or how.

“Then why don’t you just do it?” I said. And from that moment we had a plan. I can’t believe everything started from a simple conversation and now we are at the end of the hardest part. Not only that, but we have ANOTHER child on the way.

I seldom take the time to give myself slack or credit or really admire the life I have. The things I do. I’m always concerned with not doing ENOUGH.

My husband left in May and since then I’ve successfully weaned our impossible daughter off breastfeeding. Gotten her on a schedule. Managed to feed, change and entertain her for weeks. I’m growing a human. I’ve moved out of our apartment. Dealt with the emotional turmoil that is pregnancy and being totally cut off from your spouse. I’ve done a lot and honestly I didn’t let it destroy me.

I’ve had some really great times through all of this. Like my daughters first birthday and birthday party. Watching her grow, become more interactive, silly, independent. Going to a carnival for the first time in forever. Going to the lake. Dying my hair. Going to the museum. My anatomy scan of the baby. The tiring walks we take in the mornings before nap time. The desperate nap time car rides. Going to the YMCA for swim time. I’ve done my best to enjoy all the little things. Despite it all. Even the joy of getting a letter from my husband can make my day.

But here we are almost at the fucking end! I’ll finally have a little bit of sanity back. And hopefully some more information about the future.

I’ve really had to push myself so much these past few weeks. In a way I think it was totally healthy for me to have this time alone. SO much has happened the past two years it’s insane. I never got to digest any of it. The thing about having kids is, I don’t think you ever do. Everything is go go go until those really big moments happen where it all kind of hits you. Like when the Princess at her birthday party was “crowning” her an official princess and the fact that I’ve been holding this little girl for over a year hit me. I could remember her very first cry and how it made my heart flutter. That’s when it hits you.

Or when she’s sleeping and I get to just look at her peacefully and remember the sleepless nights on my end when we just brought her home. Nobody lies when they tell you enjoy every moment because it goes so fast. It does! It’s time consuming. It’s hard work. It’s never quiet. I guess on the rare occasion that it is, you can truly soak it in.

Being away from my husband forced me to take risks, do things I didn’t think about doing before, being more organized, on top of things. In control. I mean I think we spent the first 9 months of her life not having a clue how to do anything. She was the boss. There was no order at all and we were both a wreck on the inside and out.

I used to not go to the store alone with my daughter because I was afraid of this, that and the other. I also never took the car seat out by myself or knew how to install it. Didn’t like driving with her alone in the backseat. Was afraid to feed her real food instead of baby food I knew was impossible to choke on. All these fears I overcame! I stopped dreading mornings as much and instead prepping for them mentally.

Also I started to slowly but surely get rid of people from my high school off of social media which I know sounds silly but it gives me anxiety. However when I actually do it I feel so much better and don’t regret it at all. I’m rapidly approaching my mid 20’s and it really is time to let go of the past. I’ve had such a hard time closing chapters and realizing I’m in a new one. Social media makes it THAT much harder but I think it’s even harder to break from it as a whole. It’s just unrealistic since my generation was raised on it. It’s so ingrained in me. It’s much easier to just create a safer space for yourself than force yourself off of something that provides creative expression.

I genuinely enjoy MY OWN content I just get annoyed by others. I’m still healing and processing past events and relationships. But those things were real and deep so I need to be forgiving with myself about it. But I definitely have gotten to points in the past where it’s like all I would think about. Now I’m not allowing myself to have SO MUCH dwell time. I need to live and be present. But also gentle with myself as I dont have THEE most stamina out there. Like seriously. Catch me with dizzy spells all the time.

Another big thing I accomplished was changing my name (again) legally which was A PROCESS! I’m never changing my name again. Seriously it is not worth it. Props to my 21 year old self for doing the most and going knee deep with transition but JFC was it a mess to get out of.

This is such a long post but it’s been a long summer so far.

Anyways. When it comes to genders I’ve time and time again come back to the same conclusion that I’m just fluid. A few months ago I was very turned off my anything feminine and felt more masculine again but when I get into THAT mindset I’m very one track mind. Blinders on.

The reality is I’m capable of feeling feminine and being happy in it. Like currently I’m VERY femme vibes and I’m comfortable with it. I’ve found a happy medium. Will I ever grow my hair rapunzel long again and flaunt around like I’m a cottage core princess? No. That’s just not me. Ironically enough I love that aesthetic I just know it isn’t ME. I’m way more rough around the edges. And that’s okay. I’m learning to stop trying and to just BE.

I’m excited to see how my marriage will feel after coming back together. We weren’t in a super strong place a few months ago. I always knew we have a solid foundation but there’s always so much to work on. Most of it comes from the inside of either of us. There was so much lack of being people. I think most new parents go through that but nobody wants to talk about that.

The first year of parenting is supposed to be some magical quirky shit show that everyone has a good wholesome laugh about. When in reality it’s just a flaming messy shit HOLE that you laugh about otherwise you will cry about it. But you end up crying regardless.

Anyways. The bottom line is. I’m ready to fucking move on. Move OUT. And go forward. This is just a little mile marker for me to say “you did it! you got through those dreaded 8 weeks!”

#me #personal

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lethendralis-paints · 4 years

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Artist Meme

Was tagged to answer this set of interesting questions by @kourvo

(original post is here: https://kourvo.tumblr.com/post/621355098110640128/artist-meme

Thank you so much for that!

Let’s see....

1) What is the character you've drawn the most (Can be original or fanart)

This precious boy. I can never get enough of him. One of the most compelling characters I have ever come across. Love everything about Fenris and can relate to him on so many levels!

2. What colour do you often use?

Gray and brown are my faves. And all other colours have the same chance of appearing in my artwork :D

3. Any colour you are bad at using?

I don’t think so...I love them all, even the pinks and yellows people usually find hard to incorporate into a colour palette. Tell me in the comments if I’m wrong :)

4. When drawing people, where do you start?

Funnily enough - either with the front of the hairline or with the left eyebrow. Don’t ask me, why - I don’t know myself.

5. What is a character only your eraser will love?

Hmmmm...any sort of villainous character. I can’t draw evil people convincingly. I’m a huge softy at heart.

6. Which of your works took the longest time?

Big scale commission I did for @pikapeppa, featuring all the Inquisition companions, along with Fenris, Rynne and Carver Hawke. That one took almost 3 weeks, due to its sheer scope and my relative lack of experience in such large works. Pika was extremely patient with me though, for that I am eternally thankful!

7. What techniques do you use when you want to improve in drawing?

Classical art studies. Varying my technique, themes I choose and software I use. I try to experiment and go outside my comfort zone often.

8. What do you think of the art of the person who gave you this ask meme?

I adore Lillymon’s technical skill, refined style and limited colours! She is a huge inspiration for me!

9. What art tools/media are you good with?

DrawPile, Photoshop, graphite pencils and liners. That’s about it :)

10. Art tools/media you are bad at?

Traditional paints. I have no formal artistic education and my lack of knowledge comes to the forefront whenever I have to paint on a real canvas. It’s so much trial and error, you can’t even imagine....

11. What do you think about your own art?

Lately it’s one of the last few things that were bringing me joy. I hope I won’t lose the passion for it. Because at this point I’m not sure I’ll be able to find some occupation I will be genuinely interested in and good at it. I don’t know if me gravitating towards moody fantasy art speaks about my fear of facing reality. If so, idk what to do with that. I do hope to develop my skills and being able to support myself financially as an artist.

12. Do you consult references for your drawings?

Yes. A lot of them. Anatomical atlases, schemes for both academic and manga art, photographs found online and taken on my own, copying colour palettes from classical art - anything goes. I think it’s essential to develop your technical skill.

13. What do you like about your art?

Lately - consistency, both in terms of produced results and in sticking to the timelines I set to myself. I hope this lasts. I would also like to branch out to other themes and not confine myself to quirky fantasy characters, so I’m working on developing my own story behind the scenes (spoilers) :P

14. What habits do you have while drawing?

Only the bad ones, lol. Hunching forward in front of the screen, forgetting to eat, drink and letting my eyes rest. Tilting my head to the side instead of rotating the canvas....I’m an idiot XD

15. Are you good at drawing faces facing right?

I think that’s the thing I’m good at!

16. How frequently do you draw?

For the last 1,5 years - almost every day without fail, for good or ill.

17. What do you do when you have artist's block?

Change occupation and work myself into a depressed state. I changed work places in the last few years a lot, working as an interior designer, draftsman, textile designer, a cook, a bartender to name a few.

18. What must you have when you draw?

No commotion around me and a cup of some hot beverage.

19. Do you have a lot of stray lines (messy lineart)?

In the starting stage of my work process - yes, like you wouldn’t believe! If it’s a personal doodle, I sometimes just leave in as am under layer and draw clean lines on top of that mess. It looks cool in a way.

20. What is drawing to you?

An essential part of what helped me to retain my sanity in the last year and a half. Hopefully a lasting profession that will help me pay bills and survive on my own, if my life falls apart entirely later.

21. Your art goal from now on?

Broaden the themes I depict, improve my technical skill, work on personal creative project and not only fan arts. And most of all - not giving up on it this time.

22. Artists you've had influence from?

To name a few: @kallielef @kourvo @shayafury @fairsparrow who I met here on Tumblr, and many others who I follow and zealously study their works for clues on how to improve my own work.

23. Artists you like?

I am following them all either here or on Instagram, I also do my best to share their works on my side blog!

24. Which is easier to draw, humans or animals?

It was animals earlier. But now that I started to diligently study human anatomy, I would say it evened out! I’m quite confident drawing humans/humanoids now!

25. Show us an old drawing

My first digital drawing from 2010 when I first bought my tablet!

26. What is the charm-point of your art?

I ummm....I don’t really get the question? Is that like the the strongest suit of me as an artist? Intense expressions maybe? Idk. Let me know in the comments :D

27. What is the first thing you would draw if we're talking about fantasy?

Broody warriors, he-he

28. Please draw your most beloved character:

Here’s a sneak-peek of me drawing him right now! :D

29. When thinking of characters is it mostly female? male? or androgynous/no sex?

I usually gravitate towards depicting strong-willed, caring, passionate, brave, honest men and women.

30. What did you draw yesterday?

Started cleaning up that sketch from the last question, actually!

31. What is the funnest part to draw?

A circle. Mostly because you’d die laughing seeing my struggle to draw a believable one XD

32. What part of other people's drawings do you notice first?

colours, mood, eyes, hands.

33. Regarding backgrounds, what is your method of making it easier to draw?

pick your favourite textured brush, find a good reference for mood and colour scheme, zoom out, squint your eyes and start slapping colours like mad. You’d be amazed at how much you’ll be able to achieve in 30 minutes with this approach. Bare white background is the enemy - destroy it! >:)

34. What colour coordinations do you like?

Gray or brown as a main colour and then deep, earthy, saturated colours to complement the main one. Pink and orange is the combination I strangely enjoy using lately too.

35. What character did you last draw? Fenris and Eris :)

36. Does your style change easily?

I don’t think so. More like it’s evolving slowly into something more serious and deliberate.

37. What part of drawing do you pay most attention to?

Facial expression, body movement, mood and light effects. Not so much the composition and framing, he he.

38. How do you feel about drawing adult art?

Tbh, I don’t consider straight up porn to be ‘adult’ exactly. To me adult art means aiming towards serious topics, exploring complex emotions and ideas, being honest with your viewer. I did doodle a few more steamy sketches of my OTP just to see if I could, but it was definitely a tongue-in-cheek kind of a artwork that I don’t take seriously.

39. Do you like criticism from others?

If it’s friendly and in done in private - I welcome it always.

40. How many people do you normally draw per artwork?

1 or 2. Rarely more. Crowded battle scenes are definitely not my thing :D

This was fun! Tagging forward to @shayafury @schoute @stella-minerva @nug-juggler @kallielef and anyone else wishing to go through such a long questionnaire!

#artist meme #art questions #art style #lethendralis rambles #my art

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funkymbtifiction · 4 years

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sx-9

(Thank you for your message. I appreciated reading it, and wanted to quote you while concealing your identity for privacy. Hope you don’t mind.)

I’m the person who’s very passionate and intense in all of her relationships. Even back in primary school, I didn’t like it when my classmates sat in a huge circle at recess and ate and joked around. Not because it wasn’t fun .. it was. But what I truly wanted, even at that very young age, was to have a one on one ‘deep’ conversation with one classmate and get to know her and become her closest friend and have her be mine. A 'us against the world’ kind of friendship. And when I say 'know her’, I mean literally everything about her.

Most girls saw me as weird and intimidating because of it. “why cant she just play hide and seek with us?”, “yesterday she asked me all these personal questions it was so odd!” .. lol. I didn’t understand them. why would they waste time with shallow interactions when they could build these strong, intimate, one of a kind friendships that last a lifetime? why aren’t they looking for their soulmates and as they describe it in Grey’s anatomy “their person”. It would take time, effort and vulnerability but it would be so worth it!

I thought I’d grow out of it when I grow up but damn I haven’t changed at all. I still treat all my friendships like they’re a passionate marriage, it’s so emotional and needy and messy and filled with jealousy and possessiveness.

I don’t love people, I fall in love with them.

I come off too strong to those who aren’t like me (most of the population, it seems). But when it’s someone similar, it’s so beautiful and special and I feel like I’m this endless energy of love and creativity and happiness.

I remember you making a post about your instinctual variant. You talked about friendship too and how you viewed it. I recall wishing I was the same because it was the complete opposite to me. I thought you were chill and cool :>

This is... very sx9. And I will clue you in in something.

I would LOVE to have the kind of deep, intense, raw emotional relationship you are talking about, but I don’t know how to make it happen. Being sx-blind, I try too hard to maintain friendships that are... just not working. That do not have a spark. I try and force intimacy by being more honest with them, in a desire to connect to someone and have them meet me in that place. But it feels like most people do not want an intimate friendship. They want superficial interactions. That is not and never will be enough for me, but it feels like I have no choice. I have a protective wall up that I want to let down, but I can’t unless I feel safe.

One time, my father told me, “What you are seeking is way beyond the depth of a platonic friendship. For some reason, you are treating every friendship like a romance, and they shouldn’t be a romance. Romance is about intense feelings and the sharing of your souls. If a romance is what you want, go out and get one! Stop trying to find it in platonic relationships!”

You, as an sx-dom, cannot help this. It’s your primary drive, to find someone who ignites you and creates a deep resonance in your soul. But... I can tell you that for sx-blinds... it does come across as quite strong. It can feel invasive and rather intimidating to have someone want you like that. I have had two different sx-doms (three, if you count one I went on a single date with) pursue me in my life and... it can be disconcerting to feel like they want you to rip open your deepest wounds and ooze them onto the table when you have only just met. As a 6w5, I want to open up to you but I need to trust you first. I need to know you are not going to betray me or expose my secrets. And I watch you, to see what kind of a person you are. If you push me, bully me, make me uncomfortable, I am never going to open up and be raw with you. Because I can’t trust you not to hurt me with that information. This is the frustration of an sx/so 9w8 in my life. She wants to crawl inside my skin and that’s the last place I want her to be, because her controlling wing 8 tactics make me uncomfortable. If I felt safe with her, I would easily open up to her. But I don’t. So I can’t. I won’t.

I had a close sx-friendship once in my life. We truly were kindred spirits. We could discuss anything. I was more open, honest and ‘raw’ with her than anyone before or since, but it has not happened a second time.

Maybe reserve the deep sx connections for your love partners and have lower expectations for your friends? And... hold back a little. Save some of the way more personal, probing questions for when you know each other better. Some of the sx-blinds out there are willing to open up to you in the way that you want, but they need time to get past their privacy (sp-first) or conventions (soc-first).

- ENFP Mod

#question #submission #instinctual variants

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bazzybelle · 4 years

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Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Bat! AKA Bat-Baz II: Electric Bazaloo

Note: I feel I should explain for those new to the beauty and wonder that is Bat-Baz. It started with THIS piece of art by the talented @parijpg (give them 100000% credit for starting the whole Bat-Baz craze). I was so inspired to write that THIS happened (Original Bat-Baz Fic).

If you scroll through the reblogs of that fic, you’ll find some QUALITY ART by the lovely @subpar-selkie !

I was going to end it there, but THIS (adorable BAT) and THIS (more quality content from @subpar-selkie ) were posted this week… So, I caved and wrote ANOTHER BAT-BAZ fic!

It’s the (not very highly) anticipated sequel to Love is Blind (As A Bat). Definitely not as good as The Godfather: Part II, but hopefully better than the straight-to-VHS/DVD/Blu-Ray Disney sequels.

Thank you to @carryonsimoncarryonbaz for the beta-reading, @giishu , and @f-ing-ruthless-baz for yelling at encouraging me to post this story, and @fight-surrender for bothering me this week and cheering me up and making sure I don’t feel too alone this week.

Enjoy… and I’m so sorry.

PS: Also, posting this on AO3. If you want, you can read it HERE.

__________

SIMON

“How many times do I have to tell you!? Rowling’s spells are dodgy at best!”

Baz is yelling on the phone to his half-sister Mordelia. He looks absolutely exhausted, and I can’t say I blame him for taking it out on his little sister. He just spent the better part of the evening as a small black bat, and must be beyond mortified. Anyone who knows Baz Pitch, knows that he usually deals with his embarrassment with snark and (on occasion) misdirected anger. In this case, the anger is very well-directed. It seems Mordelia was responsible for turning him into a bat in the first place.

“I don’t care what spell you were trying to accomplish! Her spells are as problematic and preposterous as she is! She’s barely a magician herself, if we’re being honest.”

I feel like I need to calm Baz down as he’s quickly heading towards one of his famous tirades. I start to run my fingers through his hair and plant a small kiss on his shoulder. Baz’s grey eyes meet my eyes and he sighs heavily. He grabs onto my hand and gives it a small squeeze.

“I know it wasn’t done on purpose, Mordelia, but you need to be careful! You’re starting Watford in the autumn and I highly doubt your classmates will appreciate you turning them into winged mammals.”

I choke back a snort as I think about the hijinks Baz’s sister will get into once she begins her Watford education. Images of a frozen moat in January, and enchanted snowball fights (you can enchant them so they follow the intended target like a tracker – Baz had gotten me a few times that way) fill my mind. I start to lightly scratch Baz’s back and I feel his muscles beginning to relax. I just hope he ends his call soon, so I can have my boyfriend back to his calm, arrogant self.

“I shall be coming back tomorrow to collect my… belongings. If you so much as breathe on my clothes or my mobile, I will not hesitate to turn you into a tarantula!”

Baz finally hangs up and tosses my mobile back to me. He starts rubbing his eyes and groans heavily. I continue to rub his shoulders and start to nuzzle his arm. He turns to me and offers small, tired smile.

“I apologize for that, Simon. But I’d like to think you’d be the same way if you’d just spent the better part of your evening flying from Hampshire to London. I can barely feel my arms.”

“Would you like me to rub your shoulders for you, then?” I ask him. Baz raises an eyebrow and smiles coyly at me.

I place myself behind him and start to knead my fingers into the space where his neck meets his shoulders. My thumbs press deep circles into his shoulder blades. I am careful to not touch his hair, nor the base of his neck (he flinches when I get too close to where he was bitten – it’s not nearly as bad as it used to be when I first massaged him, but I’d rather not risk it).

I hear a soft sigh coming from Baz. I want to continue, but I’m noticing his head lolling forward. I stop my back rubbing and sit back down next to him. I take note of his eyelids beginning to droop. I move some hair from his face and he smiles dreamily at me.

“Did you need to feed before going to bed?” I ask him. Baz shakes his head slowly.

“I fed right before all this started.” Baz gestures towards his body. I lift myself from the bed and gather some pyjamas for him. I toss them to the bed and grab a pair for myself.

“Here. I’ll warm you up some blood, just to be safe, while you change.” Baz rolls his eyes at me, but I’m already out the door before he can protest any further.

I walk into the kitchen to see that the spell books and materials have already been cleared out. I’ll have to thank Penny properly tomorrow, for her help tonight. I suppose a breakfast of her favourite pancakes (banana-blueberry) is enough to show my gratitude. I heat up some blood we keep on hand in the fridge (several butcher’s shops carry a steady supply). I also take some time to make a few sandwiches for him (and for myself… I get hungry when I worry). Before going back into the bedroom, I quickly change into my pyjamas and wash up (Baz must be beyond exhausted if he didn’t even think to freshen up in the bathroom, which means he’ll be cranky tomorrow).

When I get back into the bedroom, Baz is already settled into the bed, eyes closed, and sheets pulled up to his chin. I can feel my heart softening for him, he’s had an impossibly long day. I kneel down beside him and run my hand through his hair. His eyes open slowly. I place the sandwiches on the night stand and hand him a mug with some blood inside.

“I’m fine, Snow” He slurs, but accepts the mug regardless. He downs it in a matter of seconds (Prat… Was probably more thirsty than he let on), and places the mug on the nightstand, next to the plate (he doesn’t touch the sandwiches, which is fine, he’ll eat when he wants to). I climb into the bed and wrap my arms around his waist. Baz settles in as well. I hold him for a little while as I feel him beginning to doze off.

I plant a few small kisses on his shoulder as I start to fall asleep as well.

BAZ

A rumbling in the pit of my stomach startles me awake. I clutch at my abdomen as I attempt to recall when I had last eaten. I rub my eyes,wondering what time it is. I glance at the window and see the dark skies of the night. I wonder how long I’ve been asleep for, as I glance at Simon still sleeping peacefully beside me. His lips are opened slightly (mouth-breather) and he has his arms pulled tight against his chest. I move to give him a small kiss, when my stomach rumbles again.

Right… should probably take care of that first. I look to the night stand and remember the sandwiches that Simon made. I stare at him as I eat slowly (I’ve been practicing controlling my fangs… the only good thing to come out of America), feeling so grateful for the beautiful disaster in my life. I would never ask him to do what he did for me tonight, but Simon does it anyway, just as I would for him. I finish off a couple of sandwiches from the plate, and bring the dishes back to the kitchen. I brush my teeth in the bathroom (exhausted as I am, I still maintain proper hygiene) before heading back into bed with Simon.

I face him and watch him for a moment as he sleeps soundly, chest slowly rising and falling. I reach over and run my fingers through his hair. I plant a small kiss on his lips (I never want to relive the experience of my boyfriend kissing me in bat-form ever again).

An all too familiar feeling begins to arise as soon as my lips leave Simon’s. The splitting headache, the light-headed feeling, and most importantly, the blinding pain shooting up my back. I leap out of bed and I shout to alert Simon, but all that comes out of my mouth is a small, garbled chirp.

Seven snakes! Not again!

I rush to wake him up, but my head suddenly feels so heavy… and I cannot keep my eyes open for much longer… And my stomach begins to lurch.

I feel myself crumple onto the bedroom floor…

At least Simon will know it’s me this time. I think as I hit the floor and become shrouded in darkness…

SIMON

I don’t feel Baz in bed with me as I wake up. I rub my hand on his side of the bed and feel it empty. My eyebrows furrow as I slowly lift myself up from bed. It’s strange for Baz to be awake before I am.

“Baz?” I call out groggily. I look over to his side of the bed once more and notice his pyjamas in a pile on the floor.

“Fuck!” I yell out as I jump out of bed. If there was something I could be sure of, it’s that my boyfriend would NEVER leave his clothing in a messy pile on the side of the bed. Something must have happened to him… again!

Panic rises in my throat as I search through the clothing. I’m hoping with everything in me that I don’t find ash or anything else that could indicate my deepest fears.

Everything seems to be normal, but I notice tiny claw marks within the fabric of the pyjamas. My eyes widen as I piece the clues together.

Bloody fucking hell! Not again!

My eyes dart around the bedroom for any sign of Baz hiding. I begin to search through the darker corners of the bedroom, each spot turning up empty. With every empty spot, I start to panic a little more. Did he get out? Did he get stuck somewhere? Merlin, are there any stray cats that could have gotten inside?

“Baz!? Stop being such a wanker! Where did you get to?!” I call out. When I don’t hear an answer, I stomp through the bedroom door and into the kitchen, where I see Penny, sitting calmly, drinking some tea and eating cereal.

“Good morning Simon.” She tries to say to me, but I ignore her as I start to desperately search the flat for any sign of Baz, or any place he could be sleeping (is he a nocturnal bat? Does it matter? Is his curse following the rules of his anatomy or that of a bat?).

Penny tries calling out to me again, but I’m currently flipping over throw pillows and searching under the sofa.

“Simon… What on Earth…”

“Baz is missing again! Except he’s also a bat again! And I can’t find him!”

I start to move the bookcase, rattling the books and objects placed carefully inside. The organization was Penny and Baz’s doing. They argued for weeks on how to organize the books (Penny wanted alphabetically; Baz by the Dewey Decimal system – which I’d have never even known about, but I’m in love with an impossibly intellectual tosser), but settled on a system that worked for both of them. I’m now mucking up that system, by moving and shifting things around. I’m wondering if Baz found his way behind on the of the books. Maybe his wing got caught somewhere.

“Simon… you should maybe…” She joins me by the bookshelf, but I avoid her and head into the kitchen. I’m thinking that maybe Baz got into one of the cupboards (were they opened last night?)

“Not now Penny!” I open every cupboard in the kitchen and look inside. Nothing. No Baz. I begin to tug the curls in my head, as I think about other places he could have gotten into.

Penny has joined me by the cupboards. I feel her grabbing my wrists. “Simon!” she shouts at me, finally forcing me to look up at her. She points to her head. Plopped calmly and looking at me like I’m impossibly thick, is Baz. Once again, he’s a bat.

“Bloody hell, Baz! You can’t scare me like that!” I reach out my hands, and he hops into them. Bat-Baz nuzzles his face between the space between my thumb and index finger. I bring him up and plant a kiss on top of his head. Penny scratches him behind his wings.

“I found him perched upside down on the lamp, fast asleep. Nearly gave me a heart attack. He woke up not too long ago and found his way to me. What happened? I know you were joking about trying new things with him… But… did you ask him to change back, Simon?!”

I stare at her, mouth open wide and eyes boring into her. Does she actually think I would put Baz through another round of transformations all for a little excitement? I look at Bat-Baz, and he’s giving her the exact same look.

“For Crowley’s sake, Penny! No! I woke up and he was gone! He must have changed again during the night!” My comments are backed up by Bat-Baz’s frantic chirping and wing-flapping. I try to sush him and start rubbing the back of his wings. It worked to calm him down yesterday, and it seems to do the trick today. Bat-Baz starts licking my hand, and while I think that’s adorable and sweet, I don’t want to think about my bat-boyfriend in this way… lest it start affecting our intimate moments.

Penny starts scratching her head and frowns down at Bat-Baz. “I’m wondering if the spell last night worked at all? Is this a side-effect of that spell? Did it mix badly with the spell that made him a bat in the first place?”

“What do you suggest we do?"

Penny stifles a small laugh, "Maybe try and figure out what bats eat? It seems we’ll be stuck here for a while.” Her comment is met with angry chirps from Bat-Baz. If I wasn’t holding onto him as tight as I was, I’m fairly sure he would be attempting to jump at Penny.

“Oh! I didn’t mean it Basil!” Penny tries to pet him, but he hisses at her. I turn my back towards her and lift Bat-Baz to my face. He is not amused at this situation, but I still frown at him.

“Baz… I know you’re pissed off, but try and calm down, yeah”. I turn to Penny, who’s stuck her tongue out at him. I shake my head at her.

“And you! Now is not the time to take the piss out of anything.” Penny looks away, ashamed and I can’t help but roll my eyes. Since when am I the responsible one out of this group? I place Bat-Baz on my shoulder and head to the kitchen. I need to make myself some breakfast before trying to tackle this mystery.

I look at Bat-Baz, who’s started nuzzling my face, and just wanting to stay as close to me as possible. Baz hates feeling vulnerable in any way, and being changed into a tiny animal, without his strength and his magic… yeah, pretty fucking vulnerable, if you ask me. I pick him up again and look into his eyes (fuck… they’re still grey…). I feel my heart break a little as I stare at them, because they look devastated.

“Hey… don’t be like that. We’re going to figure this out.” I speak in a small soft voice to him, but Bat-Baz looks away from me. I run my thumb over his little head a few times and his eyes close. A tiny, sad chirp escapes him as he leans into my touch. He starts licking me again. I bring him closer to my face.

“I promise, Baz. If anything, this proves even further that we match… y’know… ‘cause of the wings.” I give my wings a small flap as Bat-Baz rolls his eyes.

“I know you’re laughing on the inside, Baz. Come on. I’ll try to find you something to eat.” I give him a small peck on his bat lips and leave him to perch on the edge of my wing. I start to look through the refrigerator for any fruit or blood (seriously… what do bats eat? What kind of bat is he? I mean… vampire bat makes sense, but is that a little too on the nose?).

I don’t notice the bright purple glow surrounding Baz’s small form. I feel him swooping down from my wing and see him flying desperately towards the bedroom. I slam the refrigerator door shut and run after him. Penny tries to follow, but I shut the door before she gets too close. She begins to knock on the door.

“Simon! What’s going on! Is he changing back?”

“Yes Penny! He’s changing back!” I breathe a sigh of relief as Baz turns back into himself (again, completely starkers… probably the only side effect of the spell I can’t be mad about). I rush to him and wrap my arms around him. He leans his head on my shoulder and breathes heavily into me. I run my fingers through his hair and start rubbing his back. He lifts his head and his eyes meet mine.

“At least we know how to change me back.” He says. I start to laugh.

“Fat lot that’ll do, until we know what causes the transformation to happen. D’you remember what happened before you changed?” Baz leans down and presses his hands together. He starts shaking his head. Another series of knocks pounds through the room. Penny’s voice rings out, loudly.

“Is he back to his grumpy self, then?!”

Baz glares at the door. I sigh as I get up and fetch some clothes for him to wear. If we’re going to have a discussion about breaking his spell (or I suppose it’s more of a curse at this point), Penny should be a part of it.

“I’d like to see you maintain a cheery demeanor when spending most of your time as a tiny winged mammal, Bunce!” Baz barks, while slipping on one of his shirts. Now that he’s decent, I should go open the door. Before I do, I walk up to him and cup his face in my hands. I make sure he’s looking at me

“We’re going to figure this out. Trust us, okay?” Baz smiles at me and nods.

“Okay.”

I give him a small smile and softly kiss him once more. Baz reaches up and starts to caress my shoulders. I press further into him, when a pained moan escapes his lips. I quickly back, worried that I hurt him. Baz’s eyes are opened wide, and panicked. I grab his wrists and try to get him to look at me, but it won’t work.

“Baz? What’s happening?” I try to ask him.

“Simon! It-” His speech is cut short by a series of loud, hysterical chirping. He finally looks at me for a few moments, before collapsing onto the bed. I manage to catch him and lie him down, but I can already see the transformation happening. To my horror, he starts glowing and shrinking into his clothes.

“Fuck! Shit! Baz… Why’s this happening?”

Merlin, Morgana, and Methuselah! How many times has it been now? I notice a small lump moving around inside the sweater. I look inside to see a furious Bat-Baz. I cup him in my hands and walk sadly towards the door. I open the door to a Penny with her hands on her hips. She frowns at the bat-boyfriend in my hands.

“Wasn’t he just changed?”

“He was! That didn’t last very long.” I set Bat-Baz back on my wing. He calmly perches upside-down and wraps his tiny body in his wings. I think he wants to be left alone for now. I don’t blame him.

“Well, what happened now, Simon!?”

“I don’t know Penny! All I did was tell him that we’d fix things and then he changed again!” I stomp out of the bedroom and head back to the kitchen. I whip open the refrigerator and pull out some eggs and fruit. I decide to make myself some breakfast and cut up some fruit for Baz. Maybe some food will calm us both down.

Penny follows me into the kitchen and leans on the wall as I cook the eggs. “Is that all you did, Simon?” she asks me. I slam the spatula in my hand down on the counter and turn to her, hands raised above my head.

“Oh of course! I forgot to mention the secret demonic ritual I had Baz perform so that he can stay a bat at my whim!” I notice that my wings start flapping. I take a deep breath and calm myself down. The last thing I want to do is send Bat-Baz accidently hurtling across the room because I’m throwing a tantrum.

Penny places a calm hand on my shoulder. “No! But did you do anything else?”

I sigh and run my hands through my hair, trying to think of anything that could have done this to him. The only thing I can think of is the kiss I gave him. But that can’t be it. It was what changed him back to his normal vampire-self. I shrug at Penny. “I don’t know… I kissed him. But I alway-”

“AHA!” Penny shouts in my ear. Her sudden exclamation causes me to jump back and violently flap my wings, which in turn sends Bat-Baz flinging off. Thankfully, he catches himself before hitting anything and flies up. He dives towards Penny, who ducks for cover. Bat-Baz starts screeching at her, before I step in between them. He lands on my head and buries himself in my curls. I turn back to Penny, who’s wearing a small apologetic look on her face.

“Well? What is it, Penny?” Penny stands up and straightens her plaid skirt.

“The kisses Simon. We know that kisses turn him back into a human. Well what if they work both ways?” Penny grabs an apple and begins to slice it. She places a thin slice in her hand and holds it up towards my head, a small peace offering, I suppose. Bat-Baz perkes up and sniffs the apple slice in Penny’s hand. He slowly hops into her palm and starts to eat the apple slice.

Merlin… My heart melts to watch them. I snap out of it and continue my discussion.

“Both ways?”

Penny starts to scratch Bat-Baz behind the wings. He continues to eat his apple slice. “Yes. Like how we spell your wings off until a bell rings?” I nod at her, pressing her to go on. “Well maybe this is similar. Since we connected it to a Bat-Man spell.”

“What does Bat-Man have to do with this?” I finally finish cooking my eggs and place them on a plate. Penny has placed Baz on the counter and continues to slice small apple slices for him. He starts to eat them slowly. I start shoveling the eggs in my mouth. Bat-Baz looks up at me, and I didn’t think a bat could look so disgusted… but there you go. Penny’s got the same look on her face, so maybe it’s just me.

Penny heads towards the refrigerator. She opens it and starts to look for something inside. “Think about it Simon. Bat-Man is all about living your life within a duality. Maybe the spell was not literal enough. Instead of changing a bat into a man. It allowed for a more controlled dual life. Controlled by your kisses, it seems” She pulls out one of the containers of blood, we keep on hand for Baz. She hands it to me and motions towards the stove. I eat some more of my eggs and get started on heating some of the blood. I don’t suppose we need very much of it right now.

Penny grabs a small saucer from the cupboard. I spoon a tiny amount of blood into the saucer and set it in front of Bat-Baz. He gives it a look and looks up at Penny and me, with drooping ears. I sigh at him.

“Honestly, Baz. It isn’t a big deal if we see you feed. You should feed so that you feel better.” He doesn’t make a move toward the blood, instead focusing on the apple slices. I grumble to myself and grab Penny by the arm, leading her away from Bat-Baz.

“So… What, I can’t ever kiss Baz again? What sort of rubbish is that?” I hear angry chirping, signifying Baz’s agreement that our situation is in fact rubbish.

Penny lifts her glasses from her head. She grabs a small piece of cloth from her skirt pocket and begins to clean them. “Don’t be dramatic, Simon. There is a solution to this. We just have to go to the source of the spell.” I groan, because that means we have to call Mordelia and ask her what spell she used and I do not feel like talking to her. I look over towards the kitchen counter.

“Baz? You done in there?” A series of small chirps tells me that he’s done feeding. I go back to the kitchen. I clean up the saucer and plates, while Baz finishes up the apple slice he’s been eating. I pick him up and he starts licking my hand again (I’ve gotten used to it by now… seeing as we won’t be allowed to kiss until this spell is broken, we’ll have to find more creative ways of showing affection towards each other). Penny looks over at us and makes a face.

“Nicks and Slick, Basil! Maybe I need to spell a small pouch to put you in so that you allow Simon the use of his hands!”. Bat-Baz looks up at her and glares. I bring him up and kiss the top of his head.

“She isn’t serious… Right Penny?” She shrugs and walks away. I frown at her and look down at Bat-Baz who… actually has a sneer on his face. I head towards the bedroom.

“Come on… Let’s turn you back into my Baz.”

BAZ

Simon is leaning against my arm, reading a graphic novel adaptation of Interview with a Vampire (I bought it for him recently, after he would not stop asking me about Anne Rice).It’s taking everything in my willpower to not kiss him right now. All I have to do is think about how uncomfortable it is to move about as a bat and my desires to kiss him disappear (almost disappear… or rather… momentarily disappear. I am a constant disappointment to myself, after all). I have chosen to browse through The Vampire Lestat. It is the homework that Bunce has given to us. She has settled herself on the kitchen table, reading the atrocious Twilight books, while furiously writing down notes. I look down at my own neatly written notes, and the few sentences that Simon’s managed to scribble down (with my gentle coaxing).

We had been going at this all day. After our unconventional breakfast, Simon took me into the bedroom and privately changed me back into my nearly human form. We then (well, mostly me, Simon was pacing about the flat the entire time, while Bunce took extensive notes) called my irksome little sister to ask her what spell she was trying to cast.

Apparently she thought it absolutely brilliant to try and cast Expecto Patronum. According to Mordelia, she was hoping to know what her patronus was, and I just happened to show up at the wrong time. She insisted that “it would have worked had you not shown up, Basil!”. After berating her for nearly an hour on how impossible the very notion of a patronus was (the closest thing could be a familiar, but even that is rare), I once again threatened to turn her into an abhorrent arachnid before hanging up the phone.

We came to the conclusion that I was turned into a bat because, well, if patronuses did exist, it was very possible that mine would be a bat (at least that was the explanation Bunce offered, I personally think it’s bollocks).

Which brings us to our homework session. Bunce believes that in order to turn me back into my full-self, we needed to create a spell that brings forth my true nature (hence the diverse selection of vampire-related literature).

For now, I am scanning the pages of my book, while Simon lazily lies against my shoulder. I look over at him, to see him smiling up at me. I smirk back at him. Simon reaches over and gently tucks a strand of my hair behind my ear. I lean towards him and touch my nose to his. He begins to caress my face and I lean into his soft touch.

I realize too late that his lips have made their way to mine.

I pull back in fear. Simon is wearing a look of shock… which soon changes into one of instant regret.

“Fuck! Bollocks! I forgot!” He yells, which gets Bunce’s attention. She runs towards the sofa, but I can already feel the transformation taking over. I give Simon an angry sneer.

“I swear to Crowley, Snow. I-” my hand clamps over my mouth as a loud chirp escapes it. My head once again feels dizzy and I feel sweat beads on my brow. I lean over and put my head down to steady the all-too-familiar sensation of sickness and lightheadedness. I can hear Simon next to me apologizing profusely. I reach for his hand and hold it tightly. I don’t have much time before I am a bat again, and although I am cross with him, I don’t wish for him to beat himself up over this.

I give a small lop-sided grin to Simon and collapse onto his shoulder as the transformation takes over (hopefully for a final time).

SIMON

And so we’re here again. Bat-Baz nestled in my curls (I think he’s having a nap, the transformations take a lot of energy out of him), Penny making tasteless bat-related jokes and puns, and me trying to keep my head on straight. It’s becoming more and more difficult to do so.

Baz hasn’t wanted to change back into a human and has been feeling extra mopey. I’ve cut up some more fruit for him, but he hasn’t been in the mood to eat anything. I’ve tried petting his head, his wings, his tiny back… no response from him.

I now reach up to my head and hope that Bat-Baz decides to climb onto my hand. I sprinkled some sugared water on my hand as a way to coax him (with that sweet-tooth he’s got). A smile spreads across my lips as I feel his tiny body clamber into my palm. I bring him down to eye-level and he begins to excitedly lick the sugar off of my hand. I start laughing and give him a kiss on one of his wings. Bat-Baz stops licking and a small blush creeps over his cheeks.

“Glad you’re feeling a little better. Can you eat something for me?” I offer him a small piece of strawberry. Bat-Baz thankfully accepts it. As he’s eating his strawberry, Penny enters the kitchen. She’s holding a notepad and a triumphant smile on her face.

“What is it, Penny?”

“I think I’ve got the spell to change Baz back.”

“Okay. What is it?”

Penny shows me the notepad. Bat-Baz looks down at it and starts to angrily chirp at Penny. I read the spell, but I’m not familiar with the quote written down.

“Where is this from, Penny? And why if Baz obviously objecting to it?” Penny’s lips curl into a sneaky smile. Whatever it is, it’s making her far too excited.

“Twilight.”

I shake my head violently and walk away from her. Absolutely not! Baz hates that entire series. He claims they are terrible books, and the very notion of dazzling in the sunlight is offensive to him as a vampire.

“You’ve got to be joking Penny! Of all books to choose, you chose Twilight? Baz will never forgive you.” I look down to see Bat-Baz giving Penny the most judgmental look I have ever seen (well for a bat, that is).

“The quote is technically from the movie, but it should still work! The entire franchise is wildly popular! I still see Normals walking around with Team Edward shirts!”

Bat-Baz covers his head in his wings. It’s going to take some convincing for him to be on board with this, but so far, it’s the best shot we’ve got (even though it’s a rather piss-poor shot).

“Alright. Let’s try it.” I sigh and follow Penny into the living room.

Penny smiles and holds out her hand. I place Bat-Baz in one of my hands and cradle him carefully. He grips onto my thumb and curls into a small ball (I think he’s begun to lose hope at this point… also, bloody Twilight? As if he wasn’t mortified enough). I give Penny my other hand. She lifts the notepad to my eye level and I read off the first line of quote.

“I know what you are” I say to my tiny bat-boyfriend. Penny places her hand gently over Bat-Baz’s head, making sure the ring finger touches him directly. She squeezes my hand tightly and looks into my eyes.

“Say it. Out loud… SIMON SNOW say it!” She yells. I can feel her magic in the air, stong, comforting, with the distinct smell of sage in the air. I feel it wash over me and vibrate over Bat-Baz’s tiny body. He beginning to chirp wildly and I begin to worry that we’re hurting him. I want to get this spell done with. I speak in a loud clear voice:

“Baz Pitch… Vampire-Mage”

A bright, white light explodes from Penny’s ring and causes us to fall backwards. In the commotion that occurs, I let go of Bat-Baz and he slips from my grasp. The white light envelopes him completely and I need to shield my eyes. A strong force pushes Penny and me back a little more. I try to look for where Baz landed, but all I can see if the piercing white light. I have to hope that he’s somewhere in there, turning back into himself. Eventually, the white light starts to dim and the pulsing magical force starts to die down.

Merlin please let this be it. Please let Baz be himself again. I don’t think he can handle another series of intense changes.

I hear Penny screaming before my eyes get the chance to adjust to the scene in front of me. But, there he is, on the ground and fully human again. And… naked. And unconscious! Fuck!

I yell at Penny to get me some water for him. I grab a nearby blanket and scramble to him. I drape the blanket over his body and gently lift his head from the floor.

My anxious mind winds down as I hear his slow steady breaths. He’s alive, but probably completely drained. I lift him a little more and position my legs beneath him, so that I can better support him. Penny comes back with a glass of water and a small wet towel. She bends down and places her hand on his arm.

“Is he alright?” She asks, concern washing over her brown eyes.

I nod at her. Penny sighs with relief and places the glass on the floor, beside me. I ask her to go find some clothes for him, for when he wakes up. I grab the towel from her and start to dab his brow and his face. As I work, I hear a soft groan coming from his lips. His eyelids start squinting and he stirs a little. I give him a small delicate shake.

“Baz? It’s okay. I’m here. You’re okay.”

He starts to mumble something, but it’s hard for me to understand him. I lean in closer to him. “What was that?”

“That was wholly unpleasant.” He opens his eyes and smiles at me. “Hello, Snow.” he drawls.

“Hi.” I laugh at him. I help him sit up and offer the glass of water to him. He smiles as he takes a sip.

Baz’s little smile quickly turns into a slight frown. He looks down at the blanket covering him and his eyes bulge.

“Snow… am I, naked?”

“Um… y-yes?”

“Crowleyyyyy! Just set me on fire now!” Baz smacks his hand over his eyes in complete humiliation. I wrap one of my arms over his shoulders and gently hold him close. Baz buries his face into my shoulder and wraps one of his arms around my neck. I kiss the side of his head and rub small circles on his back. Penny creeps back into the room and quietly places some clothes beside me. I turn to her and mouth a “thank you”. Penny smiles and squeezes my wing. She heads to her room and closes the door, allowing us some much-needed privacy.

I give Baz a small shake and he lifts his head from my shoulder. I grab the clothes and hand them to him. He accepts them and starts putting them on. I get up from the floor and give him a few moments to collect himself and regain his dignity.

I’m putting some water to boil for tea when I feel a set of strong cool arms wrapping around me. Baz leans his head on my shoulder and gives me a small kiss on my cheek.

“Thank you. For everything today.” He whispers to me.

I smile in return. He doesn’t need to thank me. For him, I’d do it all.

“D’you think it worked this time?”

Baz sighs, “There’s only one way to find out.”

I turn to face him and study his deep-grey eyes. They’re tired, mostly. He draws a shaky breath, worried that the spell didn’t work.

“It had to have worked. I know it did.” I whisper to him. Baz closes his eyes and lowers his head.

I comb his hair back with my fingers and trail my hand down his face. We both take a deep breath and lean into a tiny, almost-chaste kiss. I see Baz squeezing his eyes shut, anticipating the transformation to begin.

But… nothing happens.

I shake Baz happily. “Baz! It worked! You��re you again!”

Baz begins to laugh and touches his forehead to mine. He grips my face in his hands and pulls me into a deep kiss. I lean into him and respond with a small happy sigh.

Baz pulls away and cocks an eyebrow at me. “I think I’m going to take a break from visiting my parents. I’ve had enough excitement to last me quite a while.”

I roll my eyes and him and flick his chin. “Baz… I don’t want to hear about your family right after you’ve snogged me.”

Baz laughs and pulls away again. He grabs my hand and leads me slowly into the bedroom. Once we’re inside, and with a coy smile, he grabs his wand from the nightstand and closes the door.

#The Return of Bat-Baz #Bat-Baz #simon snow #baz pitch #tyrannus basilton pitch #tyrannus basilton grimm pitch #basilton pitch #snowbaz #carry on #wayward son #crack #Yes hello I am a trash #trash #I am also a shit #comforting boyfriend #Simon Snow is a good boyfriend #my writing #fanfic

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steviethechihuahuawrangler · 4 years

Text

A Formal Welcome

So it occurred to me that I just hit the ground running. I didnt look back when I went forward and began posting intimate things onto this wonderful Tumblr. Now that I see I have a couple people following me, I figure I owe you a welcome and thank you for visiting my corner of the web, and I also owe you an introduction to who I am.

I am Stevie. There's the general business of stating that I love blogging about my transgender wife. I myself am non-binary born female and still uses she/her pronouns by default but accepts all of the pronouns...call me any of them but just keep calling me *wink* I also love blogging about mental health, human rights issues, and some spiritually inspiring nuggets I find as well as humor and my interests. I am trying to capture my spirit for you all to see.

I am a rather peace, love, and harmony kind of person. I'm a multicultural beautiful mutt of a human that loves people of all walks of the Earth. I was born into a family that always was just getting by with hand-me-downs and used cars only. We lived rather bare bones-humbly on a farm where my mom had a kaleidoscope of animals that us farm kids fed and took care of for her. I still remember wandering out in large snow drifts with buckets of hot water to thaw the ice bricks in the sheep and cow enclosures so that the poor dudes could have a drink twice a day before they froze in the Midwestern winters.

I was successful in school and graduated in the top ten of a tiny class of roughly 200 or so. I worked hard for it though and suffered a great deal. You see,

I was violently molested by a babysitter when I was in kindergarten. That mixed with my family's predisposition for kicking out babies with bipolar disorder and being the lucky winner of that lotto... made for an interesting dark cloud for a kid to compensate. The abuse I suffered at the hands of my sitter gave me PTSD and DID. Most people are familiar with PTSD, but as for DID...most only know it as multiple personalities. And no... its not like Split or even Sybil, at least not for me. I had an intricate system that worked quietly under the surface. Some of my personas my child-self made were so intricate they represented all the phoenixes that rose from the ashes of past failures. I had male personas, female personas, child personas and adult ones too, gay personas, straight personas.... I had emotions I bottled as personas as well. A total count of 16. 17 if you count the true me.

Wow this is hard to write. Hard to admit but I feel more people must talk about these things. Abuse has horrible outcomes for those who experience it. I feel I need to keep writing this because I need it off my chest and DID is a very real thing.

It had gotten so messy but I didnt even realize that it was abnormal to do it. I thought thats how everyone got through the day.... with 4+ trains of thought chattering at you, remembering things, and feeding your mind with the in formation you feel you need at the time. I didnt realize that it was abnormal at all. Its not something you talk about out of the blue with anyone either. So I had no clue I was a multiple til the ripe age of 33. And in 2 years time with mega therapy from many stellar therapists in Wisconsin, I was able to go through integration of all of my personas, making myself whole again. I essentially made myself my own program when we had the insurance great enough to cover all my treatment. I started with finding a therapist and a psychiatrist and then added DBT group therapy as my diagnoses kept changing as they struggled to find my Dissociative Identity Disorder. I added art therapy and that was the point I finally started making dramatic improvements.

They even recognized it making me a formal mentor of the therapy program I was in. I helped in IOP programs inspiring fellow addicts to get clean while working on mental health goals with them. I started helping others go to their sessions and AA meetings or CODA meetings.

My Lizzy was the one that pumped her blood sweat and tears into funding my nearly daily therapy regiment. Then when my excellent therapist.... DrTwin we will call her.... realized that I was switching personas. She argued with herself a bit on whether to tell me or just treat it without doing so but she told me DID and PTSD were the beasts causing my bipolar 2 to be unmanageable.

Truth be told I cracked down on the seriousness I put towards my therapy efforts because I could see that Lizzy, who then was living a depressed and rage filled male life as she struggled with work was having a hell of a time keeping up with which Stevie would be in the room when she came home. I could see that Lizzy couldn't keep fighting through her darkness alone either. time was ticking and I had to get to a stable place.

Thats when Lizzy's dad got diagnosed with early onset dementia. When I got stable enough I offered the jump to come back home to Illinois to help take care of him since my hernias from my botched surgeries make it hard to work. Lizzy's mom welcomed the help as we didnt find out about the dementia until Lizzy's dad already was in stage 4 of 7. now he is toward the middle of stage 5 but its usually a faster decline at this point. Though we moved quickly and helped for months his care needs began to exceed what 3 adults could do in a 24 hour period. He is now moved into a memory care apartment unit with several other people who he seems to get along with. This leads us up to present times

Where we are currently living as a tripod family with Lizzy's mom who doesn't want to live alone now that her spouse is in his new home. Its Lizzy's childhood home and one day may end up being ours.

As far as Lizzy and I, we've been courtin' since Spring of 2008. We were married in spring of 2010 and since day one Lizzy became my best friend. We met when we were in the throws of our alcoholism amongst other things I had problems with. But lets just say I would have gotten my 8 year chip on the 4th of July. SOBER 8 YEARS and feeling great. Lizzy loved me during all the high spirit days where we went to haunted hayrides and houses. Lizzy loved me when I was laying at the bottom of the tub crying and dissociating while screaming in PTSD attacks. Our life has a pulse not unlike Grey's Anatomy....which dramatic turn shall we take next? Terrible Misfortune or Blissed Out Humor? Only time will tell. But its a beautiful ride in the big picture.

I would love for you to ask any questions or leave any messages! If you want to know more I am an open book and thats why I am writing this blog. I want the world to see me. Welcome to my world! Enjoy.

*~*~*~*~*Stevie*~*~*~*~*

#mental health #transgender spouse #me #welcome #im an open book #strange person alert #end mental health stigma #lets be honest #wow this post makes me feel sensitive

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kawaii-puncher · 4 years

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Character Chart

Character’s full name: Vera Ward/Draoskithe

Reason or meaning of name: Ward because she's an orphan and thats the last name they get, Draoskithe is her family name but she doesnt know that

Character’s nickname: Sparkles

Reason for nickname: She likes sparkles

Birth date: Nov. 9th

Physical appearance

Age: 23

How old does he/she appear: 23 but she probably looks 18

Weight: 156

Height: 5'7"

Body build: Fierce

Shape of face: I don't know enough about human anatomy

Eye color: Light Blue

Glasses or contacts: Nah she can see it all, 20/20

Skin tone: Pasety Sour Cream Child

Distinguishing marks: Birthmarks on her back that look like scars

Predominant features: Beautiful

Hair color: Pink

Type of hair: Soft, Long, and wavey

Hairstyle: That half up hairstyle but mostly down

Voice: uuuuuuhhhhhhhh

Overall attractiveness: 10/10, professional at the smolder

Physical disabilities: Super Clutzy and a Bad Ankle

Usual fashion of dress: Fancy

Favorite outfit: A turtle neck, cute skirt, leggings and cute shoes

Jewelry or accessories: Always wears a pair of black cross earrings

Personality

Good personality traits: Super kind and wnats to help everyone

Bad personality traits: Stubborn af

Mood character is most often in: Idk how to explain the mood, basically when youre in the whiney "whhhhhhhy" mood

Sense of humor: Cheesey Jokes

Character’s greatest joy in life: Dazzling the Room

Character’s greatest fear: Silence and complete darkness

Why?

Its creepy and unsettling

What single event would most throw this character’s life into complete turmoil?

Death Probably

Character is most at ease when: Spa Days or playing video games

Most ill at ease when: Someone is belittling her or treating her like she's an idiot

Enraged when: She thinks she did something great and is really proud and someone is like "well its not that great"

Depressed or sad when: Toy Story 3

Priorities: School/Education are at the top

Life philosophy: "Fuck it"

If granted one wish, it would be: To see a real life unicorn

Why?

Have you seen unicorns???

Character’s soft spot: She almost cried when looking at some kittens once

Is this soft spot obvious to others? No because shes allergic to a lot of animals (not all) so she stays away from them

Greatest strength: Thumb War and great at Lying

Greatest vulnerability or weakness: Parent Issues cause orphan

Biggest regret: Letting someone get close enough to her to break her heart and hurt her that badly, only she's allowed to put herself through that much pain

Minor regret: Saying yes to paying extra for rum in her milkshake on her 21st birthday

Biggest accomplishment: Not punching someone she really wanted to punch and just walking away. Also getting on the deans list

Minor accomplishment: Submitted art to a competition and heard some little old ladies talk about how much they loved her piece

Past failures he/she would be embarrassed to have people know about: Didn't know Reindeer were real until Highschool. Always thought they were made up like Santa. Also didn't know that you weren't supposed to eat mango skin the first time she had a mango, got weird looks

Why? Not street smart

Character’s darkest secret: She wishes she could just act out and destroy and break a bunch of stuff but she always feels like she needs to be on her best behavior

Does anyone else know?

No, its a secret

Goals

Drives and motivations: To be successful in life

Immediate goals: Good grades in school

Long term goals: Have a private lake and drink wine all day, relaxed

How the character plans to accomplish these goals: Work Hard

How other characters will be affected: she doesnt hang out all the time and puts school above everything

Past

Hometown: Seattle

Type of childhood: Grew up in a catholic orphanage

Pets: None

First memory: Crying because she tripped and a nun gave her candy and told her to keep it a secret between them

Most important childhood memory: Being told that she was still in the orphange not because no families wanted her but because the lord knew she was already with the family that would love her the most (it was nuns that told her that)

Why: Made her feel wanted

Childhood hero: She-ra

Dream job: To be a Journalist

Education: Highschool Grad, working on a bachelor's in college

Religion: Catholic but super chill about it

Finances: Not even enough for a chicken nugget

Present

Current location: Devildom

Currently living with: The Brothers

Pets: Does Mammon count?

Religion: Still catholic but now with a lot of Jesus puns

Occupation: Student

Finances: Still not enough for a chicken nugget

Family

Mother: Unknown to her but the name is Alice Draoskithe

Relationship with her: none

Father: Unknown to her but his name is Quincy Jameson

Relationship with him: None

Siblings: Half Brother on fathers side named Quincy Jr.

Relationship with them: None/ Jealousy later on

Spouse: None

Relationship with him/her: it would probably be good

Children: She accidentally killed a bamboo plants she cant be trusted with kids

Other important family members: Not family family but she grew up with 4 other orphans that were her best friends and Sister Helen was her favorite nun

Favorites

Color: Baby Blue and Gold

Least favorite color: Orange

Music: Legit all kinds but mostly a fan or Alternative Rock

Food: Mini Cupcakes are her favorite

Literature: Tess of the d'Urbervilles is her favorite novel, she wears a red bow from time to time because of it

Form of entertainment: Video Games or Drawing

Expressions: Happy? Honestly dont know about this one

Mode of transportation: Walking

Most prized possession: Her cross earrings

Habits

Hobbies: Drawing, reading, games, or gardening but shes really bad at it

Plays a musical instrument? No but she can play twinkle twinkle little star on an organ

Plays a sport? Please no

How he/she would spend a rainy day: Watching the rain and day dreaming

Spending habits: Clothes and Hair brushes

Smokes: nerds in games

Drinks: Wine. A Lot.

Other drugs: Edibles are cool

What does he/she do too much of?

Drinking

What does he/she do too little of?

Relaxing

Extremely skilled at: Organization

Extremely unskilled at: Gardening

Nervous tics: Nervously curls hair around finger or hums

Usual body posture: Confident

Mannerisms: Very Polite

Peculiarities: Always moving her hands and can't sit still, bites her lip a lot

Traits

Optimist or pessimist? Optimist

Introvert or extrovert? Introvert

Daredevil or cautious? Cautious when sober

Logical or emotional? She acts like she's more logical but 100% more emotional

Disorderly and messy or methodical and neat? Neat freak

Prefers working or relaxing? Working

Confident or unsure of himself/herself? Confident af

Animal lover? Yes

Self-perception

How he/she feels about himself/herself: Doesn't belong wherever she goes but she can act like she does, but deep down she knows she doesn't

One word the character would use to describe self: Hopeful

One paragraph description of how the character would describe self: I'm invited because I'm fun to be around but thats just an act and it's not really me... or is it? I don't know anymore

What does the character consider his/her best personality trait? Second Chances are always accepted

What does the character consider his/her worst personality trait? She allows second chances to everyone

What does the character consider his/her best physical characteristic? Really pretty hair

What does the character consider his/her worst physical characteristic? Dry skin

How does the character think others perceive him/her: they exist

What would the character most like to change about himself/herself: their personality to fit what they think is right

Relationships with others

Opinion of other people in general: Theyre pretty cool

Does the character hide his/her true opinions and emotions from others? When sober

Person character most hates: Elliot (an ex) and Henry ( the little shit that stole her cookies all the time in the orphange and lied about it but she knows it was him)

Best friend(s): Asmo and Mammon

Love interest(s): Lucifer and Solomon

Person character goes to for advice: Literally anyone, all opinions help her because she has no idea

Person character feels responsible for or takes care of: Herself

Person character feels shy or awkward around: Lucifer

Person character openly admires: Lucifer

Person character secretly admires: Solomon

Most important person in character’s life before story starts: No one

After story starts:

I HAVE NO CLUE

Got this from here

#obey me

4 notes · View notes

babybluebex · 4 years

Text

sunshine (rami malek)

dad!rami melts my heart so here have this i’m in my feels and have baby fever and this was originally a deacy thing but i changed it to rami bc we as a fandom deserve dad!rami now i’m rambling LOL

song: electric love by børns

word count: 2448

My hands were shaking and I could barely breathe. Rami didn’t deserve this sort of thing. He was in London filming No Time To Die, he didn’t need any distractions. His character, the villainous Safin opposite Agent 007, was so different from his usual goofy self, and he usually stayed in character because of how difficult it was to slip in and out of the role. When I told him that I was pregnant, I knew that he would drop everything and come back to me, and while that was the dream response, I couldn’t ask that of him. It wasn’t fair not to tell him, though.

I grabbed my phone and carefully dialed my boyfriend’s number, and I waited as I listened to the dial tone. The time difference meant that his day was over and I hated to wake him up from a much-needed sleep, but it couldn’t wait.

The call was answered, and I heard Rami mumble, “Stella? Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, umm...” I began. “I just... Hell. I just found out that, uh... You have to promise me that you stay in London. You can’t drop everything, I can handle this by myself. Promise me, Ram.”

“Yeah, yeah, I promise,” Rami said sleepily. “What’s up?”

“I...” I began and dug my fingernails into my palms. “I’m pregnant.”

“What?” Rami said. “Wait, hold on. You’re pregnant?”

I chewed on my bottom lip. “Yeah,” I mumbled.

“Stella!” Rami exclaimed and laughed. “Seriously?”

“I wouldn’t joke, Rami,” I said with a light chuckle.

“And you really expect me to stay here?” Rami asked. “Are you crazy? How far along are you?”

“Just passed the first trimester,” I said. “I had no clue at all, I just thought it was my meds or whatever, but... Rami. We’re gonna have a boy.”

Rami’s laughter was unbridled glee. “A boy?” He repeated. “A boy! Stella, a boy... Oh, wow. Thank you. Thank you so much.”

“Why’re you thanking me?” I asked.

“Because you’re giving me a baby!” Rami said. “A boy... Oh, wow. Shit, I promised you I would stay here. Be really careful, yeah? And call Sami, he and his wife’ll help you until I can get home.”

“Okay,” I chuckled. “I know it’s late, I’ll let you sleep.”

Rami scoffed. “As if I can sleep now with the image of a pregnant you in my head,” he said. “Do you have a name in mind?”

“I was thinking Saïd,” I said softly. “Share a name with his Baba.”

“I’m Baba,” Rami laughed. “I’m a dad. Oh, goddamn it, Stella. I love you so much. So much.”

Now came the part that I was really concerned about. “I...” I started. “My family will hate it and so will yours, but I don’t wanna get married because of him. I dunno, I just don’t want that.”

“Okay,” Rami agreed. “Done. I love you so much, you know that? Filming’s gonna end soon and I’ll be home and we’ll do this together.”

“Thank you,” I said. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Rami said. “I’m gonna try to sleep, but I don’t make many promises.”

“Sounds good,” I laughed. “Goodnight, Ram. Sleep well.”

“Thank you so much, Stella,” Rami said. “Again, thank you.”

The second and third trimester passed like it was nothing. Rami got home a few weeks into the second, just in time to see my bump start to grow, and, in the middle of LAX, he dropped to his knees and kissed my belly. He was such a goof, but I loved how deeply he cared for our baby.

The press got hold of the news quickly, and soon Rami was being bombarded with questions. We decided to keep the gender a secret, only divulging that we did in fact have a name picked out. Rami insisted on painting our spare bedroom for Saïd, and we chose a nice soft blue for the walls.

My mother was less than thrilled when we told her. She was happy, of course, but the fact that Rami and I were not going to get married or even engaged vexed her. Rami’s mother was more of the same, but she came to terms with it the first time she felt Saïd kick her hand.

Rami was such a dutiful father-to-be. He helped me stand up when my back hurt, massaged my shoulders for me, always made sure I was eating enough. Every night before bed, we had a small tradition where Rami would lay between my legs with his mouth pressed against my belly, and he would whisper to his son and tell him about his day. Sometimes they would ‘talk’ for almost an hour. I watched Rami as he did this, the way his muscles flexed under his skin as he situated himself to better speak to his son, the twinkle in his blue eyes when a gentle kick came to his cheek, and how he ran his fingers through his dark curls with bemusement once every five minutes. It was still hard for him to believe that he was going to be a father, and Saïd was already a spoiled little boy, just by his father’s love.

My due date was in early June. Our sweet summer boy was only a few weeks away. I made my way into the kitchen and sighed loudly, and I said, “Rami. No, sir, not today.”

“Why not?” Rami asked curiously. He moved the pan off of the stove and came over to me and he gently kissed my messy hair.

“It’s your birthday, jackass,” I chuckled. “I’m supposed to treat you to breakfast. Or did you miss that memo?”

“Didn’t miss it,” Rami shrugged. “Just decided to ignore it. Anyway, I like taking care of you two. Making you and Saïd breakfast is the least I can do.”

I sighed. “Fine,” I grumbled. I slowly sat myself down at the table, and Rami delivered me a cup of hot tea with a kiss on my nose. The whole no-caffeine thing was a real killer but, after eight months, I had gotten used to the taste of decaf everything. I took a sip of the tea and said, “The first thing I’m gonna do once the munchkin’s out is have a cup of coffee.”

“Sounds like a good plan,” Rami said. “Any specific coffee I can pick up for your first cup?”

“Surprise me,” I mumbled sleepily. My back spasmed in pain, and I clenched my teeth together. “Hi, baby,” I whispered and rubbed my belly. An aching back was always the signal that Saïd was awake. “Good morning, little man.”

“He awake?” Rami asked.

“Yeah,” I said. Rami abandoned what he was doing to come kneel down by my chair, and he lifted my t-shirt to see my belly. It was covered in dark stretch marks, but he always took care to kiss every single one every night as he talked to Saïd. He never wanted me to feel bad about any part of myself— ever, really, but especially when I was giving him “the best gift” that he could ask for.

“Hey, you,” Rami cooed. “Are you awake? Gonna kick for me?”

My back ached again, and I reached down and massaged my lower back with my fingertips. “God, this sucks,” I mumbled.

“I’m sorry, sweetheart,” Rami said softly. “Anything I can do to help?”

“Umm...” I began and stopped suddenly. My pants felt damp. That wasn’t unusual, because I had begun to sweat like a pig during the night, but it was strange that the butt of my pants was dry and my thighs were wet. I looked down in confusion, and I pushed Rami away quickly. Jesus, I did not want him sitting in a puddle of pre-labor fluid. Not pre; I was in labor. “Fuck.”

“What?” Rami asked quickly. “What’s wrong?”

“My water just broke,” I said slowly. “I can’t go to the hospital until contractions are about four minutes apart, so start timing them for me. I’ll be—“ I paused to grunt at the pain. “Slightly distracted.”

“Holy shit, Stells,” Rami said quickly. “Okay, I’ll call Sami and let him know, and— Is that a contraction? Right now?”

“According to Lamaze classes, yes,” I said. I stood up carefully and took Rami’s hands, and I said, “Apparently, Saïd does not wanna miss your birthday.”

Rami laughed. “He sure doesn’t,” he said. “Tell me when the next one starts. I’ll get you some new clothes and pack a bag.”

—

I was in the hospital by lunchtime. The contractions were nowhere as painful as Grey’s Anatomy made them out to be; they hurt like hell, don’t get me wrong, but I wasn’t shrieking in agony. A small grunt of pain, but that was about it. I was in a private room— probably because of Rami’s celebrity— and Rami sat next to my bed, holding my hand. We had his phone tilted up and were watching various documentaries on Netflix to pass the time, and then a knock came on the door. The door opened just a peek to show a pair of blue eyes, and I grinned. “Hey, Sam,” I said cheerfully. “How were your classes?”

“I was distracted as hell all day,” Sami laughed. “I got the call from Ram before second block and that just messed up my concentration for the rest of the day. But how are you guys?”

“Good,” I said. “A little tired, but excited.”

“That’s great,” Sami said. “It’s good that you both are calm. When Rosie was born, all bets were off for me.”

I nodded. I remembered Sami being a hot mess the day his daughter was born, and the memory brought a smile to Rami’s face. “You might be waiting a while,” he told his twin. “The doctors say it won’t happen until tomorrow morning if we’re lucky.”

“That’s fine,” Sami said. “I have no problem with that.”

“Happy birthday, Sami,” I chuckled.

“That would be really funny,” Sami said. “If Saïd was born today. Three birthdays on the same day in the same family.”

“Yeah, don’t jinx it,” Rami chuckled. “Bri texted me and said he’d be coming by soon.”

“Dr. May?” I clarified, and Rami nodded. He and Brian had grown incredibly close since BoRhap, even to the point where we asked him and his wife to be Saïd’s godparents; they accepted without hesitation. “Ah, that’ll be nice. He’s such a cool guy.”

Saïd decided to make his appearance before Brian could show up. The contractions became longer and tougher, forcing a few hard breaths from my lungs, and panic began to set it when the midwife made Rami and Sami leave the room. “He’s the— Rami’s the father,” I protested quickly. “Can’t he stay?”

“We’ll get him scrubbed up and he’ll be back soon, dear,” a gentle nurse told me, but that didn’t stop my eyes welling up with tears.

Rami squeezed my hand once more before being ushered away. Soon after that, I had my epidural, and I was only mentally half in the room after that. Rami came back, all dressed up in sterile scrubs, and he held my hand and encouraged me the whole time. “Good job, good job,” he whispered to me. He brushed my hair off of my forehead and kissed my cheek, and he said, “Doc’s saying to push, Stella. C’mon, you can do it. Good, good, just like that.”

I was more aware of what Rami was doing than what I was doing. I watched a mixture of surprise and happiness flit across his face, and I distantly heard a nurse exclaim, “It’s a girl!”

“A girl?” I asked. “We were told...?”

All thoughts left my head as the nurse tugged down the neck of my gown and laid my daughter on my bare chest. She was wailing, her olive skin all wrinkled up, a soft swirl of black on the top of her head. I cooed at her and kissed her forehead, and her wails died down to small hiccups. “Clara,” I whispered. “Clara?”

Rami smiled. He was crying, and he leaned down and kissed my lips. “Clara,” He said when he pulled away. “My gorgeous, gorgeous little Clara.”

Clara was taken to be cleaned and weighed, and Rami held me tightly. “You did it,” he said. “I love you so much.”

“I love you too,” I whispered. “And Clara. Clara Malek.”

“No, she’d have your last name,” Rami said. “Clara Lee.”

“No,” I said softly. “I know I said I didn’t wanna get married, but that was before Clara was a tangible human. I can’t imagine not being married to you as we raise her.”

“This is the best birthday I’ve ever had, no debate,” Rami said with a smile.

Clara was brought back quickly, and she was swaddled up in a delicate yellow blanket with a knitted yellow cap over her small head. She was quiet now, her plump lips forming a perfect o as she breathed, her olive skin filled with a red blush of blood and life. I held her closely and kissed her head, and I carefully gave her to Rami. He looked down at her, a spitting image of himself, and I swear that I have never seen him more in love with anything or anyone. “Clara,” He said softly. “I’m never gonna let anyone hurt you, ya hear me? Baba will protect you until the day I die.”

Sami came in and fawned over Clara, holding her and commenting on her little dimpled cheeks. Sami’s wife took a picture of him holding her, then she said, “Ram, Stells, would you like a picture?”

“Sure,” I said. “I look like a mess but I wanna capture the moment.”

Rami was sitting on the edge of the hospital bed as I held Clara, burying a kiss in my messy and sweaty hair. His eyes were closed blissfully and I smiled down at Clara with every ounce of love in my body. My sweet little daughter.

Rami uploaded the picture to his Instagram after a nearly year-long drought of uploads. Hello all, he captioned it. Help me welcome Clara Habibah Malek. We were told that Clara was to be a boy and we planned on the name Saïd Christopher, but she decided on surprising us. Clara is what we came up with for the replacement for Saïd, and Habibah is Arabic for beloved child. It feels accurate, because she has a whole world of people who love her. Thank you all for supporting us on this journey, and we hope that you stay with us. Sincerely, Rami Malek and Stella Malek.

#rami #rami malek #fanfic #actor #mine #rpf

14 notes · View notes

dontdoitluke · 5 years

Text

We Could Be Heroes - Ch 6

Sky High AU, but instead, it’s a superhero University.

Summary: Skyler decides it’s time to play detective with Michelle, things get a little muddy between Jenna and Ashton, and Michael shares his big news.

Chapter: 6/?

Word Count: 3,638

CHAPTER INDEX

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“Sky, the man can hear a butterfly burp from a mile away and you want me to spy on him?”

Skyler shrugged and halfheartedly stabbed one of her tortilla chips into a bowl of salsa next to her. She had just spent the last ten minutes explaining the details of her interaction with Michael, from the argument with the librarian to him running out of the room. It was all very un-Michael-like, and Skyler was very concerned. And by concerned, she meant nosy. In the best way possible, of course.

“He can hear a lot of things, but he can’t hear your thoughts. So as long as you don’t say anything you should be good, right? Come on, aren’t you just a little bit concerned as to why he’s running around all frantic-like? Or why he’s being so distant with us?”

Michelle took a sip of her water and raised an eyebrow. “Actually... he has been kind of distant these past couple of days.”

“See?”

“But I don’t think it’s anything suspicious. I mean, he could just be enjoying his time with Mickey, you know they’re inseparable now.”

“And I don’t think it has anything to do with Mickey at all,” Skyler said through a mouthful of chips and salsa. “I think he’s trying to drop out of school.”

Michelle furrowed her brows and reached for one of the chips in the basket between them. “What? What makes you think that?”

“I mean, when he came into the library, he got on one of the computers that was facing away from me so I couldn’t see, and normally he doesn’t care about that. He didn’t let me see what he’d printed either, he hasn’t been very vocal in class-”

“When is he ever vocal in class?”

“I mean, you’re right, but he’s been especially quiet lately. And he always takes notes at least, but he hasn’t even been doing that. He’s just been on his phone the entire time.”

Michelle froze mid-bite; realization slowly dawned on her face. “Yeah, he... he always takes notes. He’s very serious about his school work. Now that I think of it, this morning, during Chem, the professor had to tell him to put his phone away.”

“And when we were in first aid class, he spoke up like he was paying attention, but he was on his phone the whole time, remember?”

Both girls stared silently at the table, thinking back on the past few days and remembering all the things that had changed in Michael. Aside from the fact that Mickey was now there, no one had noticed any changes until now.

“So... why would he suddenly stop paying attention in class? Because he’s not going to have those classes anymore.”

Michelle took off her glasses and rubbed her eyes. This whole ordeal was giving her a headache, and she couldn’t stand to think of Michael leaving.

“It has to be something else. Maybe he met someone?”

Skyler tilted her head to the side, considering the idea, then shook her head. “No, it can’t be that. It would explain the phone, but not the forms.”

“Maybe they’re unrelated. I don’t know. I just really don’t think we should spy on him and if you’re really that nosy about it-”

“Concerned. I’m concerned.”

“Yeah, keep telling yourself that. Anyway, I think if you really want to know what’s going on, you should just ask him.”

“Yeah, I thought about that, too. I don’t think he’ll tell me the truth.”

Both girls sighed, sat back in their chairs, and closed their eyes, completely exasperated and at a loss for a solution to the problem. All the clues did seem to lead to Michael dropping out, which neither of them wanted, and they were sure that none of the rest of the group wanted it either.

Michelle reluctantly agreed to listen for anything that may lead to an answer, even if she wanted nothing more than to stay out of it.

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In the common room of their dorm hall, Calum and Val sat at one of the round tables with their first aid binders open in front of them, discussing scenarios for their homework. Val had come up with some pretty good ones for herself, but Calum was still stuck. He couldn’t think of anything other than getting rid of parasites, and Val, bless her heart, tried her best to be serious about it and help him, but all she could think about was what it would be like to have him tuck her away in his stomach pouch.

The whole thing with Calum swallowing Val had started out as kind of a joke, but now they’d been joking about it for a few months and she was genuinely curious. She’d seen him take things out of the pouch; during one of their classes he was dared to swallow Ashton’s driver’s license, and he had done it without a single thought. He just swallowed the little plastic card whole and brought it back up, completely dry, with nothing but a tiny cough to show for it, and Val was enamored. It was mostly due to the fact that she’d had a huge crush on him since the day they met, but it was also partly due to her fascination with the human anatomy. And right now, she wanted to be up close and personal with Calum’s anatomy.

He began mumbling to himself, trying desperately to come up with just one more scenario, and Val couldn’t help but watch the way his mouth moved as he spoke. She couldn’t tell what she wanted more in that moment; to throw herself at him and press her lips against his, or shrink herself down and take a nap in his belly. She was in the middle of one of her many tummy fantasies when she noticed that Calum’s mouth was no longer mumbling. She looked up into his waiting eyes and realized he had been speaking to her.

“Sorry, what was that?”

He smiled softly and looked back down at his binder. “I asked if you were alright. You zoned out on me for a minute there.”

Val twisted her face in mock disgust and blew a raspberry with her mouth, placing her hand on his forearm. “Why? Do you care about me? Getting all concerned?”

Faking a gag, he chuckled and used the eraser end of his pencil to push her hand away from him. “Fuck no, crawl down a hole and stay there for all I care.”

“The only hole I wanna crawl down is your throat.”

“You’re sick.”

“No, you. Let me be your Val-ium, already.”

“I’m n... wait, what’s that smell?”

Val furrowed her brows and sniffed. She didn’t notice anything at first and was about to shrug it off, but then the smell of burnt popcorn filled the air around her. Calum, always a curious one, stood and motioned for Val to follow him to the kitchen on the other side of the common area.

Opening the door, they were greeted with the sight of Ally and Luke arguing over whose fault it was that the popcorn had burned. Ally was insisting that Luke distracted her by asking her to make more peanut butter cups, and Luke claimed that it was Ally’s fault because she put the timer on for three minutes instead of two and a half.

“I could have listened for the pops to slow down, but nooo, Lukey needs his candy NOW!”

“You wouldn’t have to listen for the pops if you would have put the timer on for less time!”

“Yeah, well you... fuck it, I’m calling Jenna to come and drown your ass.”

“No, no, wait, put the phone down, just make another bag.”

“There isn’t another bag!”

Calum covered his mouth to stifle his giggle, but Val let out a full belly laugh, gaining the attention of the banshee and the human xerox machine.

“What’s so funny?”

Val looked up at Luke, still laughing. “I just realized that you two were like a Venti and a Tall at Starbucks.”

Ally let out an exasperated sigh and snorted. “That’s what you’re laughing at?”

Calum looked down at Val questioningly. “So, what does that make you?”

“Why don’t you take a sip and find out?”

“Can you call Jenna to drown those two instead of me?” Luke whispered to Ally, who had started picking out the burnt kernels in the bowl next to her.

“I can call her, but her water bottle only has eyes for you. Speaking of which, there she is right now... I think.”

Ally pointed behind Calum and Val, where Jenna and Ashton were waddling into the common room, completely covered from head to toe in a thin layer of mud and dirt. They laughed to themselves and carried their mud-caked shoes in their hands as they headed toward the stairs to the dorms.

Calum called out to the two and they looked up, wide-eyed.

“What the hell happened to you guys?”

Ashton and Jenna glanced at each other, mouths opening and closing at a loss for words. Ashton looked down at his mud-covered shoes and nudged Jenna’s arm, urging her to speak for them.

“We were dueling in the courtyard,” she started. “It got messy... earth and water, you know.”

“I can see that,” Val mumbled disbelievingly, narrowing her eyes at her water-bending friend.

“We’re gonna... we’re gonna go. Gotta, you know, shower before dinner, because... yeah, this is itchy,” Ashton stuttered out, taking off for the stairs and leaving a trail of muddy footprints behind him. Jenna waved goodbye to everyone and followed him, running up the stairs two at a time.

“Uh... are they?”

“Oh, definitely. Did you notice Jenna was wearing his shirt?”

Luke hummed and stuffed his mouth with a handful of popcorn. “I don’t get it.”

Ally rolled her eyes. Not a whole lot was able to reach the top of Luke’s head, but apparently this had flown right over it.

“Fucking. They’re fucking, Luke.”

Luke choked on his popcorn and dropped the bowl, sending the rest of what Ally was able to save flying all over the kitchen floor.

“Aw, nice going, jackass!”

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Michelle had situated herself at the end of the hallway near Michael’s dorm, focusing on his thoughts. For the past couple of hours, he hadn’t been thinking about anything other than the game he was playing, and occasionally his thoughts turned to colorful images as he pictured the different outcomes in his mind. She was about to give up for the day when the images of his gameplay turned to images of him and Mickey sitting in a classroom with other students. It didn’t look like a memory. Memories are usually much clearer, and this image was fuzzy and distorted. It seemed as if Michael was daydreaming while he was gaming.

She perked up and focused a little harder on the images that were fading in and out with the thoughts of his game, trying to spot anything that could relate to what she and Skyler discussed that afternoon. It looked like they were in a regular class with other students, but Mickey was sitting next to Michael in his own chair instead of hiding in his backpack like he usually does. The two looked at each other and smiled, Mickey’s crooked mouth opening wide with happiness, and Michael simply took off the headphones he always wears. Was he trying to listen for something important? Maybe they were just getting too hot? Maybe he’s just imagining a life where he doesn’t have to wear them? Michelle was beyond confused as daydream Michael put the headphones into his bag and turned his attention to the professor at the front of the room.

Then, the daydream changed from a classroom setting into images of the pair at a concert, again with his headphones off. Michael had expressed his desire for concert-going many times before; he’d never been able to due to his power. Michelle could almost hear the music blaring from the imaginary speakers, she could feel the joy that Michael was feeling, and somewhere in the back of her mind, she sensed another feeling coming from him. It was almost a feeling of need, or excitement. She pinpointed the feeling as best she could, and decided that what she sensed was a feeling of hope.

Bringing herself back to her own thoughts, she left Michael to his imagination and left the dorm hall, smiling to herself. She didn’t sense anything that she could connect to forms or secrecy, but she was glad that Michael was thinking happy thoughts for once.

She decided that she’d try once again to convince Skyler to let him keep his secrets. If he really wanted them to know, he’d share it. And if he was really going to leave S.A.V.E.U., she figured he had a good reason to. Michael usually knows what's best for himself, and who were they to stand in the way of what he wanted?

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The next day, Michael woke up bright and early. He was in an especially good mood, and he sang softly to himself while he showered, hummed a cheerful tune while he brushed his teeth, and even did a happy little dance as he got dressed for the day. Mickey mimicked every movement and sound in his own cheerful little way. Once he and his tiny copy were dressed, Michael picked up his phone and sent a group text to his friends.

“lets meet up for breakfast, I have something I need to share and I wanna do it in person.”

Over the next few minutes, the replies started rolling in, and although most of them were not morning people and would rather spend their day off in bed, they knew that if Michael had something to say, it was important. They all agreed to meet at 10 a.m. in the dining hall, since most of the other students that usually come down for breakfast would have been gone already, and none of them had to change out of their pajamas. Which was something that Carly, Ashton, and Viv were very adamant about.

Michael headed to the dining hall with Mickey riding in his backpack about a half hour early, hoping he’d have some time to really collect his thoughts before revealing his news to his friends. However, when he stepped off of the stairs and opened the door, everyone was already seated at a table farthest from the rest of the students and staff occupying the room.

“Wow, I thought I’d have to wait for the rest of you, not the other way around.”

“Skyler forced us all to get here early,” Emma yawned, laying her head down on the table sleepily.

“You said you had something important to share, and I wanted everyone to be here and awake for it. I was concerned about-”

“Nosy, you mean?” Carly sang mockingly.

“CONCERNED, about what you had to say to all of us.”

Michael scratched the back of his head nervously and looked toward the ground, turning toward the tables and trays filled with various breakfast foods. “Ah, well that’s good, then. Let’s, uh, let’s go get food, and I’ll... I’ll tell everyone my news then, I guess.”

Luke, always the first one to get excited over the mention of food, jumped up out of his chair and led Michael to the serving line. The rest followed after, grabbing their trays and piling their plates with whatever they could fit. Jenna and Ashton briefly fought playfully over who deserves to have the last Belgian waffle before deciding to share it. Exchanging knowing glances, Val and Ally subtly fist bumped, and Calum scrunched his face together in disgust as he picked out his breakfast.

Once the group had paid for their meals and gotten settled at the table, Michael anxiously began to pick at his breakfast. He was so excited to share his news with his friends, but now he was tearing his toast into tiny pieces, unsure of how to start. His news wasn’t even big news, at least not to anyone other than him and Mickey, and that’s what worried him the most. He was afraid that his friends would be angry at him for dragging them out of bed for something so minuscule. He calmed himself down little by little, handing the tiny bits of bread to Mickey, who devoured them with glee and held his tiny hands out to Michael’s plate for more. He broke one of his slices of bacon in half and handed it to him when he heard Michelle’s soothing thoughts in his head.

“It’s okay, Mike. No matter what it is, we’re gonna love and support you through it.”

He glanced up and looked over at her, giving her a shy nod. She smiled comfortingly and nodded back, urging him to begin.

Taking a deep breath, Michael scooted his chair back a few inches and pulled Mickey onto his lap. He cleared his throat to gain everyone’s attention, and after a few nudges and some shushing from Emma and Viv, the entire table eagerly awaited Michael’s announcement.

“I... well... I’m not sure how to start. But I guess I should... thank you all for coming?”

The group murmured words of encouragement and smiled brightly. They all knew that public speaking and being the center of attention was Michael’s worst enemy, so they were always quick to cheer him on if he needed it.

“So, the past few day’s I’ve been doing some research, because... I noticed something strange happening, and... ah, fuck it. Let me put it to you this way; I don’t need these anymore.”

Michael slipped his noise cancelling headphones off of his head and set them on the table in front of him and Mickey. Almost immediately, everyone began speaking in hushed tones, and Michelle covered Luke’s mouth before he could screech something stupid.

“What are you doing? You’re going to give yourself a headache!” Carly whispered worriedly.

“No, that’s the thing. I don’t need them. I don’t know what it is exactly, I couldn’t find anything in my research... but the first night Mickey was born, I noticed that something was off, and my power was either not working, or something else was going on, I don’t know. That’s why I started doing research about what was going on. It has something to do with the fact that we’re the same person, technically. I know it doesn’t make sense, and it probably never will, but...”

Michael smiled widely, his entire face lighting up with happiness. In his lap, Mickey beamed proudly.

“Mickey can turn my power off.”

If you had ever heard the sound of eleven people gasping all at once, you’d think it sounded like something out of a cartoon, or a sitcom. And that’s exactly what it sounded like. And Michael reveled in it. The sound was clear, and at a normal volume. It wasn’t the painfully loud, muffled sound that he was so used to. And he loved it.

“I can go out and do things like a normal person, now. I can go to concerts, movie theaters, festivals... and all I have to do is have Mickey by my side.”

“Wait a damn minute,” Skyler started. “So that’s what all the sneaking around and being glued to your phone was for? Research?”

Michael nodded and softly bounced Mickey on his knees.

“What about the forms you were printing yesterday?”

“Certification forms. I was getting Mickey registered as a therapy companion so that I can take him with me wherever I want to, since apparently some businesses want to treat him like some kind of animal and won’t let him in.”

Ashton, who had been silent up until now, shook his head and stuttered confusedly.

“Hold on. You’re telling me that he’s like a service animal now?”

“Kind of. He’s my Emotional Support Clone.”

The friends at the table sat slack jawed and silent for a solid five seconds before they all burst out laughing. Michael inhaled deeply and sighed. It was so nice, being able to comfortably listen to his friends howl with laughter. Even if they were laughing at his expense.

“Skyler had us all so worried, she told us you were dropping out of school!” Viv exclaimed. Skyler stood and held her hands up in defense.

“Hey, now. I said I THINK he’s dropping out, I didn’t say it was confirmed.”

“What? What makes you think I’d drop out? I wouldn’t leave you guys for the world.”

Emma faked a gag and jumped up to hug Michael. Carly and Michelle followed suit, creating a domino effect; everyone else stood and joined in the group hug much to Mickey’s distress. He slid out from under the hug and moved away to breathe, and Michael tried his best to hug everyone at one time as he cried tears of joy. Being able to hear normally, having so many friends that love him and his clone, it was all too much for his heart, and he felt like he was going to explode, or puke rainbows and glitter, he was just that happy.

“Don’t scare me like that next time!” Skyler whined, smacking Michael’s arm.

“Don’t be so nosy next time!”

Back at his seat, Luke screeched loudly, like nails on a chalkboard. Everyone, including the other students and staff in the room, covered their ears.

“That still hurts, though... what the fuck, Luke?”

“Your Emotional Support Demon Child stole my strawberry!”

Mickey sat in Ally’s chair, absentmindedly munching on the berry in question and waving Luke away with his free hand.

“Am Mickey, Mick-Mickey.”

“What the fuck did he say, Mike?”

Unable to stifle his laughter, he shrugged and wiped his eyes.

“He said ‘fuck off, breadstick’, and I won’t get on to him for it, either.”

Luke pouted, turning beet red as he sat back down to childishly pick at what was left of his pancakes.

“But I was saving it for last...”

#HOWDY DOO #I ACTUALLY LOVE THIS CHAPTER #wcbh #5sos #5 seconds of summer #ashton irwin #luke hemmings #michael clifford #calum hood #correct me if i'm wrong but i feel like working on this story is helping me with my writing>#idk #i enjoy writing it though #and i hope you all enjoy reading?

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