#mom ig is going to try to help me get on disability (she is on) and that is my one ray of light. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

nque02 · 11 months

Text

While I’m in the mood to lay shit bare, ig I’ll get this off my chest.

I’m calling it now, I am going to work myself to death. Just a slow inevitable decline of my health, patience, and my sanity. I keep feeling sudden sharp pains in my side, I get random pains in my bones, back, knees. Sometimes my chest just hurts for no reason. Im not even 21, I can’t buy a drop of liquor and I have back pain. The worst part is that I wouldn’t be the first in my family to die from overworking themself if it were to happen.

My father is working himself to the bone, even now on his vacation. I’m gonna go fishing with him tomorrow, but he isn’t healthy. He has no energy, he eats a lot of crappy food, energy drinks, etc. His wife(my stepmom) doesn’t help, she’s insistent that she will get on disability for her mental illness(even though she was able to hold down several jobs in the past) and is making him support her and my autistic brother.

My mother literally died from working too much. Mother of 3 and a single income household. She had no time to sit down and decompress. She would come home, eat something, watch some YouTube, go to bed and wake up for work 5 hours later. She was a saint, she was way to patient and forgiving. My two sisters lived with her, and they let the apartment fall to shit. I can’t blame Autumn, she was 16 and was way too overwhelmed to make any progress. Maddy however. She was a 23 year old, grown women, living in her mothers house rent free. Refused to help clean, barely left her room. Did fuck all to help mom. I know she regrets it but I’ll never forgive her. Mom passed away from undiagnosed diabetes. She barely had enough money to pay the bills, let alone any medical bills. She just ignored her failing health, and kept pushing to support her children. God I miss calling her and listening to her talk. No matter what if she was awake she was happy to talk. We would drive for hours just talking about work, life, just. Anything. I was planning on moving back in with her so I could help get everything under control. Maybe if I took the lead and cleaned the apartment, Maddy and Autumn would help. Mom could relax, and I could help pay her bills so she wouldn’t have to worry so much. She passed away two weeks before my planned move in date. Her heart gave out while she was asleep. I found her laying there. She was resting her head on her arm, she clearly fell asleep, but something was wrong. You could tell by looking at her. I went up to her to try and wake her up, but one touch of the arm and…

Well she was cold. I called 911, they told me to lay her on the ground and to start performing CPR. The ground. God was it a mess, not a clear spot to be found. I couldn’t just lay my mom down in filth, random objects stabbing her back. So I quickly cleaned the area I’d lay her down despite what the operator said, and got to performing CPR.

I could slowly feel the warmth coming back to her as I did it. Her lips were slightly blue when I started, but by the time the paramedics got there they looked healthy and I thought there was a chance she’d be alright. That she’d wake up, and insist that she was fine. The officers who came with the paramedics got my dog from my bedroom, and thank god they did because about a minute later they told me she was gone and that there was nothing they could do. God bless that beautiful dog, he was there when I needed him. Normally he’s a little hellhound that refuses to behave, but he knew something was wrong. He just let me hold him while I cried on our stairwell. After that I tried calling my older sister, but she didn’t pick up. It was Halloween at 2 am after all, the night before she got drunk with her friends and was asleep at that moment. I called my aunt, and let her know mom passed away. She immediately got out of bed, got dressed, and was on her way. I also told my dad, and he did the same. He got Maddy from her friends and came to moms to pick me up. One thing your never prepared for is to see the man, the pillar in your life shaking. Not out of anger or frustration, because… well I don’t even know. I don’t think he knows. They were divorced nearly as long as I had been alive, but he was shaking when I hugged him.

I’m scared he’s gonna work himself to death like mom did, and I’m worried I’m going to do the same. It’s what we have to do to survive after all in this hell scape.

Anyways anyone who reads this. I’m sorry you found your way to my trauma dump. I can’t afford a therapist, and the next best thing is to scream into the void at random strangers

#trauma dump #vent blog #personal vent #cw vent

4 notes · View notes

rickypottsboyfriend · 1 year

Text

ok im really struggling here . i have really bad chronic pain specifically in my knees and legs . like bad to the point where even moving is unbearingly painful . i use crutches to take the pressure off my legs as much as possible and have been for maybe around 6 monthsish . its not enough anymore and it hasnt been for a while . my mom was against the idea of me using them and the only way i managed to get them was because i talked to my doctor without my mom there and my doctor thought it would be worth a shot . i brought up possibility of a wheelchair in september to my mom and she struck it down immediately . she just doesnt listen . im paranoid that shes gonna stop renting my crutches and im gonna have to suddenly go back to walking without aids and i cant do that . my pain is getting worse and walking is getting really difficult . my mom wont listen and my life in general is super inaccessible . i take public transit too and from school and half to stand 25 % of the time anyways despite there being clear signs to move when mobility impaired people come on the bus . and yes not all disabilities are visible ik . people just either stare or avoid looking at me coz they know what their doing is wrong . ig i just need help and suggestions on how i can convince my mom to at least try a wheelchair because its just unbearable at this point . im constantly telling her my pain is getting worse and shes just like “ is it ? mhm ok “ and thats it . idk what to do

#wheelchair #forearm crutches #disabled #disability #mobility aid #help idk what to do #chronic pain

4 notes · View notes

lunar-fey · 3 years

Text

been trying to nap for almost 2 hours but i gues im just not done . so much below cut. mostly incoherent and unspaced.

for one thing im just like. i dont know how to word this but like if your hr....... you should do. that. literally got told i wasnt approved to keep working after i move bc i didnr work all my hours last month but its like ya i have medical problems thwre on file and i EVEN used to get days off w fmla for it and like. few months ago i requested to have my hours lowered so i could miss less work and they were like. no bc you need to start working what you have first like...im asking for a solution to the problem of i cant work this many hours and in order to let me be allowed to work less. first i habe to "prove" i can work more. like that makes sense

and its lime my supervisor has been teying to figure out who exactly handles rhe approval all MONTH and its this new hr lady ive never met before and since his supervisor refused to tell him that its like. you know probably no one bothered to even inform her a little bit abt my entire situation and its just.. why as an hr person would you make that decision without speaking to me first? it is so easy? so easy to fire someone after 6 years who has a clean no violations record and is just very sick? and parently no one even knows if im "fired" or "quit" anyway so idek if i can apply for unemployment i gotta look into it ig

and its like my mom im so pissed at bc i guess she was talking her dr and telling him ant this other dr i saw once who wouldnt do testing just said my pain fake go home. and her dr got pissed on my behalf so cool but literally we wouldnt be here right now if she had taken my health seriously as a child instead fo trying to cure me w home remedies of pouring peroxide steaight into my ear and leaving it for 5 minutes and stuff. ya the sizzling sound means its killing the infection yeah SURE and im gonna be so psychotic whilw im there too bc im like barely. coherent rn but the first time someone screams at me im either gonna deck them or dissociate (bad timeline) or they may even push me into an episode. and its going to be sooo funny bc rhey thonk hallucinating all the time and sometimes be in g delisional is just normal. everyone hears their name being called from a dismbodied voice multiple times a day yanno normal :)

and theres like more but im getting less and less coherent. im just tired.

edition with more coherency: in short i been like on the Verge of breaking down for the last couple months with my only hope being if i could keep my job i could move back out after just a couple months and now i may very well be stuck living with my parents at least until sister graduates high school bc skerples doesnt wanna move in w me while she still has to deal w our parents. which is 2 more years unless she emancipates herself (well she is already getting a job anyway but i can barely support myself let alone a minor is the point and my parents like. own a house and i dont so something tells me the courts wont wanna give me custody of her)

but like im fine. im fine i can take it one day at a time and im FINE im just. tired and angry and. stuff.

#positivenews here. in tags #mom ig is going to try to help me get on disability (she is on) and that is my one ray of light.#if i can take a couple months of unemployment (if i can GET it)#nd just focus on health. and get ssi.#it would be so sexy and cool but i know how hard that shit is.

2 notes · View notes

skylar36 · 3 years

Text

So, question for all you neurodivergeny folks like myself who have been masking so hard for so long that they basically started stimming as an adult. I’m 20 and I don’t know how to explain to my mom that the weird thing I’ve been doing with my hands lately is a stim and I should have felt like it was okay to do it my entire childhood, but for whatever reason I didn’t.

Probably the complete lack of adult neurodivergent role models that stim.

I don’t know how to explain to her that I didn’t just start stimming because I saw some people on TikTok do it and thought it was cool, I started doing it because I saw some people on TikTok and thought, “oh, I’m allowed to do that because it’s okay. There’s nothing wrong with me because my head sometimes wants to twitch in different directions and my hands want to fly around when I’m happy.”

I don’t know how to explain to her that I don’t flap my hands around because I saw someone on TikTok do it, I do it because the way I’ve been dealing with too many emotions has been to hit myself (I stop if it hurts, but it’s still not good) and this has been an incredibly positive change in my life.

I don’t know how to explain to her that the tone of her voice when I have conversations with her have such a dramatic impact on me and I shut down when it feels like I’m about to be made fun of even if that’s never what she intends because I’m still feeling really sensitive and defensive about it.

It’s still raw. It feels like I’ve had a part of myself hidden away for so long and I’m so excited to share it, but I’m also so scared of being rejected for it. Or made fun of for it. Not because my family is malicious, but because we tease each other a lot and this is something that isn’t ready to be teased. It’s too new, it’s too raw. Like an open wound.

You can laugh with everyone about an old scar. I have a scar from a fight with my sister years ago and it’s hilarious because it came from such a superficial scratch that I don’t even think actually drew blood. I wasn’t laughing while it was still healing, but I’m laughing now.

Im not ready to laugh at stims that objectively look very silly. I know that someday I will be, but not today. The wound is still healing. It’s scabbing over, but it hasn’t quite scarred and faded into the past yet.

We’ve known that I have ADHD since I was little and my mom has been a strong advocate for my school accommodations and getting medication when it became clear that that’s what would help me most. Just to make it known that my mom is not a neurodivergence denier and she’s never told me that I need to be more normal or anything like that.

Though she did look very confused when I called ADHD a disability, so there is that. I think we’ve got some of that internalized ableist ideas that I have so much potential and if I would just work harder to apply myself, then I would be doing so much better. We’ve worked on that, it’s become clear that it’s not just my dumbass being lazy, we just didn’t know what the fuck executive dysfunction was and what it means. I had been telling people for years (including therapists so idk wtf they were doing knowing I had ADHD and not explaining to the crying middle schooler that what she’s describing has a name and there are tools to help with that, but go off ig) that I didn’t fucking know why I couldn’t do my homework. I wanted to get it done because I always felt better when it was done, but I just could not do it. Nobody suggested that maybe I try this or maybe we do some research on executive dysfunction and emotional regulation in people with ADHD. Not a single fucking adult, even the child therapist that I saw in middle school, but that’s a rant for a different day because I’ve got some feelings about that.

Right, this turned into a vent where I make metaphors that probably don’t make any sense. Anyway, I would still like that advice if anyone has some. My mom isn’t an asshole, she’s willing to listen, it’s just hard not to feel like I’m being talked down to.

Maybe it’s just my own attitude and expectations that are the issue here?

#personal #asking for advice #neurodivergent #adhd #please help #internalized ableism #ig #how does one talk to their parents #adult adhd #stimming #stims

7 notes · View notes

clocks-are-round · 2 years

Note

🤔 What is the hardest part of writing fic? ✨ Choose three adjectives to complement your own writing. 💭 What is a headcanon you have about your own work?

🤔 What is the hardest part of writing fic?

Writing outside your experience— especially things like race and disability. “But people are people”; yeah and people are also shaped by every facet of their identity and how others respond to those facets. The options are pretty much risk screwing up, or curl up into a little ball and avoid posting anything publicly ever (tempting, very tempting). I’m going with the former and if I fuck up, learning from it in the future. Honestly even mentioning this makes me anxious, but like… systematic racism and ableism are things and pretending they don’t exist won’t change that it influences on even a subconscious level. Hate to be this real in a fun ask meme, but I’m answering honestly. Fic writing feels more low stakes than a novel, or even my Queer Canyon webseries, but still… not trying to be insensitive (except when I am because I’m writing dialogue or POV of one of the many RvB assholes but even then there are lines not to cross). I try to avoid stereotypes but sometimes you don’t realize. For example, single moms are a go-to for me because of my own life experience, but then realizing absent fathers are apparently a common trope for black characters I was like ohhh noooo. I tried to mitigate that by acknowledging Tucker knew he did not have a normal home situation (obviously) by comparing it to his childhood friends’, and avoiding other stereotypes (as far as I’m aware, and I did look up lists of stereotypes). Simmons and Caboose also had shitty dads and both those dads were white so idk if that also helps balance. Oh and Grif’s dad abandoned them canonically but idk his race. As for Tucker’s, I HC it wasn’t intentional abandonment, though I couldn’t find a way to bring that up naturally other than Julie mentioning she didn’t know which guy was Tucker’s father. Julie opted not to inform the guy. Probably would’ve been better to not go through with writing it at all but i wanted to write that particular story so i chose selfishness ig. I also changed directions on my plans for Doc’s parents (Like Tucker I also HC Doc as black); before I came up with Tucker’s mama they were going to be neglectful, continuing (beginning?) the “Doc is always ignored/forgotten” trend. Like Marilla and Matthew’s parents from Anne with an E. Same situation— based on it really. But I don’t want to write almost the same parent story twice so I’m going to go in the complete opposite extreme. You will see what that means when it’s written. I read many posts by the writing-with-color blog regularly (and also check other sources as well when I have specific wonderings), and hope everything I read will stick to my brain permanently but it probably doesn’t. As for disability… I kind of avoid/dance around that topic? I know I’m not super knowledgeable so so far I haven’t really touched on more than mental health stuff like anxiety attacks. I do plan on touching on disability a bit (I mean, it’s the reds and blues for fuck’s sake!) but it’ll definitely be little by little.

TLDR: Ableism and systematic racism have almost certainly imprinted into erybody’s subconscious in some way, and I try not to do that because those are bad things, but there’s probably stuff that gets past me that I don’t realize is bad. Gonna post this before I chicken out because these are BIG topics that make me ANXIOUS but imma say it anyways

Also not really knowing anything about the military outside of what I learned from RvB and RvB fics. And the Marvel movies. And occasionally funny tumblr story time posts. Yeah, I could go research… But unless I have something specific I wanna know I don’t ( ; .w.) If I’m not personally interested in something my eyes just glaze over, so I’m not going to read pages and pages about military life unless I suddenly become interested.

That was an essay and a half. Moving on!

✨ Choose three adjectives to complement your own writing.

uhhhhh

angsty, silly, soul-devouring

does that work?

💭 What is a headcanon you have about your own work?

Fffgssdd wrote like three before I was like— wait, too much lol but i couldn’t decide which of these two to keep so here’s both

Tucker’s mama’s friend Sal is one of the people Tucker went to when looking for an Earth caretaker for Junior. After Julie’s death, Sal wasn’t super big on the party scene. They were never as into it as Julie in the first place anyways. They settled down with someone and raised a couple kids. Later, Junior. Although Junior was a teenager at that point. First half of his childhood was with the Sanghelli, second half on Earth. Then as an adult he could choose for himself wherever he’d like to be. That was the deal Tucker made with the embassy. I just like reusing characters and tying stuff together like that.

Caboose’s memory is pretty spotty a lot of the time (after Omega, Alpha, and Beta went in and had a fucking FIGHT in his fucking HEAD) and that can lead to a lot of confusion obviously. This unfortunately especially applies to his memory of his siblings since he’s not around them as often as the guys. This was touched on a little in Fuzzy Feelings. He doesn’t forget he has siblings, just… what they currently go by, how many there are, whether they’re all girls or not (most of them have called themselves one at one point or another and at one point almost all of them did at once). Sometimes he just remembers a sibling by how he knew them a couple decades ago as kids and that doesn’t always match up with their current name and pronouns since a LOT of them are trans (like half I think? like Caboose probably assumes half of ALL people are trans bc of that). Or their age doesn’t match. He’ll be reminded that a sibling is a parent and sometimes it’s like— does not compute— what? How? But? It’s easier when he’s with them in person but when talking about them he might get mixed up. Or occasionally he’ll be visiting for a holiday and ask why Dad’s not home yet and everyone’s just like “yeah, he’s not coming home anymore”.

#rvb #about my fics #fanfic ask game

6 notes · View notes

earthingoddity · 4 years

Text

so you know how y’all are constantly like: “what’s there to like about season five???”. i decided to make a list *-*

1. the discussion of disability in a teenage show. how many teenage shows can you name featuring disabled characters? and how many of those feature a character becoming disabled in the course of the show and having to adapt to that? i was very surprised when i realized this was the route they were going to take this season and i think it was very well done.

so let’s break that down:

1.1 they actually made sure to talk about other disabilities. i know some people will say they were just doing the bare minimum, but i disagree. that is such a complex theme, they could’ve easily said representing other disabilities respectfully would be a lot of work for only ten episodes, but they did their best with the limited amount of time they had.

1.2 the representation of the deaf community wasn’t limited to their disability. it actually pisses me off hearing people say “wow, for a while there, i even forgot arthur was deaf!” as if he *has* to let you know everytime he’s on screen. disabled people are more than their disabilities, thank you very much.

1.3 overall, it was a positive representation. they could’ve spent so much time going through all the things that would be too hard for arthur, but they actually had an entire episode where arthur was completely deaf - he took his hearing aids off - and it was a very happy and positive episode. he was having fun, clubbing, dancing, laughing with others, and i think we took a lot of that for granted in the midst of everything that was going on, but that was a really positive representation that didn’t limit itself to stereotypes around deaf/disabled people. i actually expected that they’d drag a lot longer the feeling of loneliness and discomfort of the first couple of episodes, but they quickly changed that rhythm, so that instead of focusing on what arthur was “losing”, they focused on everything that arthur was gaining - new friends, a new love interest and a new way to see the world. also, in relation to the whole implants thing, they delivered very in depth opposite perspectives on the matter and never felt like they were shaming one group or the other.

2. SyMbOLisM! skam france is very good at it and they nailed this aspect in season three. but there was a lot of it in season five as well. like the 7am clips in episode 2, that were used to show the lack of progression in arthur’s hearing and his growing frustration and how those clips were incredibly dark, to match his mood. episode 7 also had such an interesting meaning. with arthur taking the chance to explore the world without his hearing aids, he got to explore a whole *new* world, and not a lacking one, which ties very well with what i just said about being a positive rep, but also shows that the entire episode wasn’t about arthur finding a new layer of himself, but rather him just uncovering one that was already there.

3. use of music/sound effects. it can be hard to represent deafness in a media like a tv show, but skam france did it so well. the use of music is always very conscious in this remake; while others really go hard in the soundtrack, skam france hardly ever has background music, unless it means something. another small thing but that i loved was whenever arthur was taking off/putting on his hearing aids, if he was to put the left one first for example, the sound on the left side of your headphone would start first. it was such a small thing but made the experience a lot more immersive imo, as well as the use of muffled sounds, pitching, etc.

4. Arthur. i am always surprised whenever i hear people say that they liked arthur better when they were not in his pov. i completely disagree, but then again, i feel like this fandom has very unhealthy expectations on their mains, as if they haven’t watched already 4 seasons of the main making mistakes over and over again, lol. i loved getting to know more of arthur - he’s loyal AF and protective of the people he loves. he struggles in letting people in, though, and never wants to be a burden or worry others. he’s perceptive and quick to notice when his friends need help. he is also short-tempered and when he gets mad, it is explosive, but he doesn’t hold grudges for long. he was a much more complexed character than i imagined and he totally made this season for me.

5. le gang. this boysquad is the best, sorry. they’ve always been the funniest and warmest, but it was really nice how s5 explored all the sides of that relationship, including the not so pretty ones. they were the relationship i wanted the most angst from, and i am so happy i got it. i loved seeing how chaotic, but supportive they were of arthur though and they brought so many laughs this season.

5.1 the lack of toxic masculinity. i think this ties well with arthur, because it is amazing to me that even though we were following a straight white boy as a main this season, we had no moments of unhealthy masculine competition; le gang could actually talk about other things rather than just porn stars and jerking off (other boysquads Wish!); and arthur would literally flirt with anyone without a care in the world, because he’s certain of his sexuality like that. it was *refreshing* for once not to be confronted with these tropes that have become so common in teenage shows.

7. alexia. i have to talk about alexia separately here, because that’s the most we’ve ever seen from a chris character (not counting eskam cris, ofc), and i loved her so much. she wants to be a videogame designer and she’s creative and adorable. she always knew how to make arthur laugh, but also knew when he needed words of affirmation and she was never shy in telling him how much she loved him. it was also amazing seeing her open up about some of her insecurities, and that her confidence is something she had to work on as well. she was such a great friend & girlfriend and just ugh the best.

7.1 the female characters are badass and unapologetic. i am aware that the love triangle was unnecessary and a mess. but i am not mad about the way both characters were represented, because they were both great characters. i liked alexia more simply because i was already attached to her from previous seasons, but noée was badass as well and teaches arthur so much, and not only about her experience as a deaf person, but about life/love in general.

8. arthur’s relationship with his mom. we LOVE and STAN parents in the skamverse. arthur and his mom had the best relationship ever; i loved how they truly became a team by the end of the season. but since the moment she showed up, it meant so much that arthur could have at least one supportive and loving parent, no matter how much he screwed up or felt lost. his mom was really trying her best and i adored her.

9. *actual* adult advice. i understand why all the adults in the skamverse are a bit cringey and weird, but i feel like this results in these characters relying on each other’s poor advice throughout an entire season before they realize what they actually should do. and the talk with the school’s nurse and his doctor by the end of the season was meaningful AF and i wish something the remakes would explore more often, because it could resolve so many of their issues just talking to someone who knows better, lol.

10. the relationships with the girlsquad. i know this is actually very intentional of skam france - to build a specific kind of dynamic between the main and all the side characters. we saw that in season 3, and i think it’s a lot more evident here, but it still made a lot of sense and warmed my heart so much. arthur and imane were the purest - she was the first one to notice that something was wrong with him and also reached out to give him advice on how medical school could still be a possibility even with his disability when she absolutely didn’t have to, but she’s just a sweetheart like that. arthur and daphné had a lot more tension, which is understandable, because both are protective of their own best friends (bas and alexia) and would defend them to the ends of the earth. i think they honestly have a lot more in common than they think. but my favorite dynamic was arthur and emma. i totally did not expect for emma to have such a part in this season, but every single one of their interactions was Gold. emma could see a lot of herself in arthur and i think that’s why she was so quick to notice that he wasn’t interested in becoming a surgeon at all. that scene when she says it would’ve been nice to have arthur as a brother was the sweetest thing Ever.

11. i’ll finish with the acting. y’all, the guy who plays arthur literally CARRIED this season and i hope his back is doing fine. he was So powerful - he made me cry, and laugh, and feel frustrated. he delivered every single emotion perfectly. i also think that the fact these actors are friends irl (i assume? lol but i think i’ve seen them in each other’s personal IG stories) really helps their chemistry on camera. le gang feels like a group of brothers/best friends and they were always so natural and effortless in their interactions. the new actors also Rocked and delivered so much emotion even if they were using a completely different language and it was awesome.

(also, this just literally applies to *me*, a lucas lallemant HOE, but it was so nice seeing lucas up close from a different perspective. the fact we could still see so many layers of him: his emotional self, his bratty self, his supportive self, even a touch on his abandonment issues and everything made me so happy. i think sometimes i forget the lucas character was real and not something i made up because he feels too good to be true, and it was really interesting seeing him from arthur’s POV).

i’m not here defending the mistakes they made in s5, i don’t think it’s a perfect season either, but tbh i have yet to find what i consider to be a perfect season in the skamverse, so here’s just some things i liked about this season that i feel like y’all should take into consideration as well. thx

#skam france #i am aware that no one cares bc judging is easier than listening #but i had this on my drafts for weeks now so i was like hm might as well post it #:)

195 notes · View notes

cloveroctobers · 4 years

Text

ROCCO MACBRADY —

IG info/bio : @/macbradycoeats | 77.1k followers | just a spiritual being that wishes the best for everyone on their journey 🙏🏼 yes i was on tv once & won’t be again, you may now check the vibe🥬🌱

21 (22)

From Belfast, Northern Ireland

I genuinely believe Rocco didn’t come from much, just like Gary. & it’s never a competition between who’s had it harder in life, cause we all got our own shit, but I don’t think his life was all rainbows and glitter you know? Just don’t get that vibe from him

Maybe he’s lived in a mobile home park and his mom can never hold a job since she’s a hot head & can’t take direction? His father comes in and out of his life, he’s the definition of toxic masculinity yet never does shit to prove his worth of a “man.” goes as he pleases drunk off his ass and stealing whatever $ his mom has saved up

His father used to be a truck driver but got fired after he kept drinking on the job, causing an accident that could have been much worse

They’re one of the few families that aren’t okay in the park. They just happen to be the loudest. At least his parents are, very vocal and try to beat the other in a screaming match. They never married, didn’t see the point in doing so since they stuck around with each other for this long

Very abusive relationship...mostly verbal but rocco’s seen enough to cause trauma

Maybe his parents had him at a young age, cancelling their youth? Sometimes he feels like it’s his fault, his father told him that once; drunk of whiskey so he started to believe it, which pissed his mother off to no end

Rocco knows his mother loves him but he’s not so sure about his dad. She does little things that mean so much to show that, she does try hard it’s just many don’t see that. Maybe he’s bias since it is his mother

Has a half-sister, Roisin. (Ro-sheen) means, “little rose,” and he picked the name out when he watched his mother have a home birth in their bathroom. He loved her just as much as he loved his mother. He’s heard of the name before, liked it and knew it fit when he first saw his little sister. She was the reddest baby he’s ever seen but gorgeous

“You’ve named your sister raisin, huh?”

It didn’t take long for Rocco to figure out that his mother had a boyfriend outside of his father and suddenly had a bump in her stomach a month later after the guy came around. Rocco wanted to hate the guy but he kinda taught him how to be. He was from wales, loved to surf, and always carried philosophy books which he encouraged a young Rocco to read and, “expand his horizons”

At first he didn’t understand the shite or even wanted to. He just knew it would be hell whenever his father decided to pop back up, but this time around? He didn’t for some reason. “I hope he’s dead.” He heard his mother say one night, talking to Elis, when she thought Rocco was asleep on his bed in the living room

Rocco didn’t think he could think that harsh about someone...but the longer Elis stayed around, the more he found himself not missing his father

Before he began to look at life in a different way, he was the type to run through the streets from the age of 16 and getting into some trouble

Such as: Vandalism, stealing booze, trespassing, & public indency

Around 18 was when he decided to turn his life around, after losing a friend he deeply cared about. He went off to uni, because it was what she wanted to do and he never gave it much thought in the first place but he tried for her

Looking back on it, why did he ever think finance was for him? He wanted to be what his mother wasn’t, she tried but she didn’t know how to manage $ well. Elis had to step in every now and then but he was also always on the go due to surfing competitions

Not only that but it was hard to make friends in uni, people were much different here than in the mobile park. He had more in common with people who lived in the same atmosphere as him

He felt judged and it made him deeply insecure so he dropped out mid-semester

Picked up healthy cooking habits and managed to purchase a food truck after working multiple jobs/ odd jobs from dish cleaner, bartender, doing weekly grocery runs for the people with disabilities in the mobile park, etc...

Guilty pleasure is Mediterranean food

Helps his mother with his sister when she’s out looking for a job + working the job or when she needs a nap. It’s the perfect bonding moment between brother and sister

It doesn’t take long before Rocco feels it’s his time to leave & he does so by going on tv for this show called love island, which is short lived & he comes back empty handed + still feeling like he didn’t make any friends but he met people that changed his life for sure

Marisol being one of those people.

His food truck gains traction after the show and he’s pleased by this. He specializes in a go green environment, which is more expensive but everything costs something

A customer tells him he’d be better off traveling to gain more exposure to his food, although there’s been customers who post his food on the socials—he rarely checks it but it’s 40% negative

Once he saves up enough, he does so and wants for his mother and sister to come with him but she says his sister is too young to be on the road

He’s torn but decides to go on a three month tour, with a few people trying to manage him. Rocco doesn’t take the offer, he feels like that’s a trap to take all of his $.

He can do it all on his own

He meets more people and women on the road in different cities and keeps up with Marisol whenever he can, it kinda hurts to know that she’s found someone knew

So when he’s on psychedelics, he starts sleeping around when the loneliness tries to creep up on him. He doesn’t want to feel that, because if you let it be then it might control you. You’re in control of your emotions.

He always has to find a pay phone when he gets to the next city to let his mom, sister, and Elis know that business is doing okay and he is too. He either forgets to charge his phone or one of the women he invited into his truck stole it

Yeah his food truck is also his home? But people don’t need to know that, he plans to get rid of the truck, buy a storage container to be his new restaurant on wheels and invest in a car where he can pull the storage container along on his car, he’s thinking maybe a Subaru or a pick up truck of some sort. These are all goals, he’ll achieve if he works at his own pace. If it’s meant to be it will be

Very flirtatious and it can come across as not being loyal but he finds it to be more, “free spirited” than anything

Does yoga, has a bicycle too for days he doesn’t feel like driving his truck around, Elis bought one for his birthday & is studying Buddhism

Plays the ukulele & wants to start a garden

Is he a Scorpio? Is he a Gemini? I don’t really feel like he’s a fire sign? He might have a small amount in his chart if we’re being technical. The only thing I can see, Leo maybe for being idealistic? Flirtatious & optimistic?

Scorpio sun + Leo moon + Gemini rising

His favorite animal is an ostrich?

Lottie accidentally likes his photos (whenever he decides to post) and unlikes them or pops into his lives every now and then just out of curiosity. When he addresses her, she leaves lmao

Hair and eyes shifts just like the seasons, becoming reddish brown + a hazel green

Stops at every farmers markets & side attractions to give back to the people & loves flea markets

What does Rocco listen to? He definitely uses psychedelics & smokes that gas c’mon now so: bob marley & the wailers, Jimi Hendrix, fugees, Fiona apple, Norah Jones, johnnyswim, & Bombay bicycle club

Celeb crush? Emma Roberts, zendaya, halle bailey, camila mendes, Sarah Bolger, & Saoirse Ronan

Anthem = The wombats, “Give Me A Try”

#litg #litg2 #litg s2 #litg rocco #litg marisol #litg lottie #litg headcanon #litg au #majority dont care about his ass but i found a fc so thats why i got him out the way lol

15 notes · View notes

arcanefaye · 3 years

Text

Ermmm...well hi :)

My name is Faye - i'm a sixteen year old, straight (C) student! I would probably be aceing my classes if it wasn't for my club lol

I was born and raised in New York City - with only my mother and grandparents.

...and two other siblings.

Besides the sibling part life's great!

at times.

I mean it can be difficult...moms a workaholic since my grandparents can't work. Being retired they still get money but only enough to feed them and one other person.

They use it for house bills and hospital money, which is why my mother (who i love dearly) works two jobs. one as a store clerk the other as a car dealer...or something like that.

I have an older brother and younger sister.

my older brother (Ian) is soon graduating high school - he's a lot more 'mature' than me, but that's only because he's never caught. like - ever.

One time i caught him vaping in his room (i'm not a snitch so i said nothing) , but my mother got angry at me after she mistaked my humidifier for a cigarette? how does that even happen?!

My younger sister (Amara) is only eight. She's much more wilder than me. My mom watches her more since she likes getting into things haha!

I tend to not get angry at Amara a lot because she has lots of morals and is very respectful.

Ian on the other hands likes to believe that since he's older than me and my sister he can say whatever he wants. I dont show my anger to him as much though seeing as it'll just fuel the flame.

So instead i try to ignore or just dryly reply to his remarks.

example being ;

Later today he was telling me about this girls he's been messing around with, then when i showed i was dis-interested he began to 'insult' me.

"Whatever...at least i can actually sleep with someone and i'm not cooped up in my room all day doing - whatever the hell it is you do."

so instead of giving him the attention he so badly wants i only responded with "okay."

that really pissed him off...

But just like me he doesnt like to fight. so he just walked away doing whatever he wants to do.

--- i guess i should talk about myself since this blog is about me - a bit.

Well, my name is Faye (as you may know lol) it's meaning is

{ Loyalty ; confidence; trust : belief }

i did take that from google ^^

I really do like my name. I think it's beautiful - even if someone people mistake it for May ... :/

Being sixteen girls my age would be wanting a car normally - Well I have my license just not my car.

Its okay though! Ian allows me to use his car once in a while - even though it smells badly of smoke.

My mom doesn't have the money to buy me a car - and my job only pays so much.

Im making excuses...

I strated saving up , but my mom needed money for bills and so I didn't have much left. I want to say i'm bummed out - but atleast I have a home.

AGH- this is sounding depressing, I apologize , I tend to rant without realizing it.

On a positive note; my club (i2iC - its a weird name i know lol) Working witinvolves study's of mental health and the education of others. It's based mainly around the stereotype that neurodivergent people can't learn, or people with learning disabilitys can't learn. so our group has made a way to show that, well that just isn't true!

It involves a lot of other things too.

We have some people in our grades who aren't doing their best, but we don't know their story, and we don't know what's happening. but it's a group to help them, and it's raised our scores extremely !!

Our average used to be 68-76 now it's 87-93.

Consdering the diversity and ability to allow the kids to go at a pace they're comfortable at really helps them.

We've had plenty of new kids move to our school in the last three years which helps expand our group.

Oh !! i should talk about my friends !!

My friends Amanda, Colton, and Margaret all help me out with the group. Along with Miss Lindsey who is our drama teacher and i2iC manager lol.

i2iC is really just "Eye to Eye See" it's a play on words - ig? It's like seeing eye to eye with things and allowing your creativity to flow and expand.

oop- ran out of space - part 2?

#blog #blog fiction #arcanefaye #know about me #fiction story #made up #part 1

3 notes · View notes

surveys-at-your-service · 3 years

Text

Survey #303

“if i can’t be loved, then i’ll be hated”

What color are your glasses, if applicable? Black. Candy corn or conversation hearts? They're both gross, don't make me pick between garbage. Do you own a lot of earrings? Not really after I weeded them out before moving. What did your backpack in high school look like? I dare say I had the dopest backpack of them all. It looked like a massive Ouija board, and the zipper was the planchet (sp?). Have you ever been to a rave? Nah. What is your favorite art medium? I have a particular fondness of oil paintings. They tend to look so smooth, and you can achieve incredible realism with them. How far away is the nearest hospital from you? Not even five minutes, I think. Who was the last person you visited in a hospital? My mom. What is your favorite car color? Pink, duh. How did you learn to type? We actually had a class specifically for typing in middle school. What style of wedding dress do you want? I don't have that set in stone yet, but I really do love ballgown dresses with long trains as well as a-lines with a moderate train. I love a lot, except really for mermaid dresses. Do you fit into any stereotype, or are you non-stereotypical? I don't know if I fit perfectly into any and really don't care. Would you want your first child to have your hair color? ???? I don't care about their hair lol?????? It would depend on the hypothetical father, in which case I'd probably find it cute, but this is so, so unimportant. Do you enjoy writing in cursive? Yeah, it just feels good and flowy to me. What is your favorite hair color? Natural? Probably blonde with natural darker undertones throughout. I like blonde hair because it's far easier to dye, haha. Now, if we're including DYED hair, rose gold or pastel pink is *chefs kiss* What is your favorite eye color? Sapphire blue, probz. Would you put your birthday on a different day if you could? Nah, it's fine where it is. What holiday is your birthday closest to? Valentine's. Do you vent on social media a lot? NOOOOOOOO. I barely post ANYTHING about myself on social media because I feel like I'm being annoying, self-absorbed, find anything I do actually interesting, or don't want people to think I'm a whiner. All I ever really do on social media is share or reblog funny shit, things I love, stuff I find relatable or inspirational, educational, important for whatever reason, etc... Do you have abusive parents? I am very thankful to say no. Is your house haunted? Doesn't seem like it. What's your favorite thing to watch on YouTube? I'm in a real WoW-related phase lately... Watching my favorite streamers, gold farming guides, and other various aspects of the game. What are five health problems that you have? I talk about the mental issues enough, so I guess I'll talk about physical stuff here. Uhhh I have very low blood pressure (it's a med side effect), I have extremely weak legs following muscle atrophy, I have bad tremors, especially in my hands (amplified by medication once again), maybe TMI but we're adults here and it's a legit issue that I have chronic and severe conspitation, aaaand then of course I have hyperhidrosis (excessive sweating) to a fucking outrageous and also humiliating degree. Ooooonce again as a prescription side effect. This answer made meds sound kinda bad, I know, but really, I'd rather have the will to live and just have to deal with these than want to die everyday and not. Do you have surgery coming up? No, let's keep it that way until I lose enough weight and when I am 110% getting loose skin removal. Which family member(s) do you look the most like? My sisters, ig. People say my mom also, but I honestly don't see it. Have you ever cried while watching a YouTube video? Yeah, usually just in let's plays, but it's happened for other reasons. Are you missing a website that just shut down? Nah, none that I know of. NO. FUCKING WAIT. So, when my laptop was fixed, a LOT of shit was wiped from it, and that included all of my goddamn Lightroom editing presets. The site they were from no longer exists, so I had to use a different, pretty sub-par one to install at least a few because it helps me get a start on editing the photograph and leaning towards the "vibe" I want before spending like 15+ minutes tuning it myself. Would you be a barefoot bride? No. Which would you rather name your daughter: Eliana, Echo, Emerald, or Ellery? Ohhh, I like these. I think I prefer "Eliana," but "Echo" is a close second. "Ellery" is nice, but it sounds too much like "celery" to name my kid that lmao. Which would you rather name your son: Maverick, Matthew, or Moses? Ugh, none, honestly. But "Matthew" wins. When was the last time you gave a speech? Like a *legit" speech? Probably not since uhhh... I guess when I argued my disability case at court? Does that even count? Have you ever been in a stampede? Well, never seen this'n in a survey before, so good job, lol. No. If you were a fairy, what color would you like your wings to be? It would depend on what I wore, really. And my hair. But probably light pink. Would you rather name your son Storm, Skylar, Sorin, or Solomon? "Sorin." "Skylar" is SO Southern, and "Solomon" sounds like the creepy kid all his classmates avoid and I ain't putting my kid through that. Did you read a devotional this morning? Not my jam. Would you rather be named Arizona, Alaska, Cali, or Georgia? Hm... "Alaska" is actually kinda cool???? And I'm white as fuck so lol????? I wouldn't mind to nickname of "Ally," anyway. Are you repulsed by ugly reptiles? lololol bro get out Did all your friends know about your first crush or was it a secret? I was definitely secretive and shy about it when I first started getting crushes. Do you ever feel insecure about going out without makeup? I feel insecure either way, so... How many different natural hair colors are there in your immediate family? So, this is a hard question to answer. My mom was born with brown hair, but it darkened to almost black; only her daughter Katie inherited that. By some genetic magic, Dad had blond hair as a kid, but it also turned black. Like... how?????? I was born with dirty blonde hair like him, and mine turned an average brown with age. My immediate sisters have always had brown hair. What is your favorite online game? World of Warcraft is ballin'. Would you ever want to be famous and sign autographs? Ha, the idea of signing autographs is awful... I can't physically write very long without my carpal tunnel flaring up. Do you like your shirt to be loose or tight? LOOSE. Especially as a bigger person, tight shirts are just really uncomfortable. What is your favorite Spanish name? I don't know nearly enough to answer this. Would you rather visit Asia or Europe? I think Asia is, in general, more interesting and prettier as a whole, but I guess I'm drawn to European culture being more like my own and there are specific locations I'm interested in, like Germany or Scotland. So to answer the question, I guess Europe wins. Are there any Asians in your family? I don't believe so. Have you ever had colored braces? Haha yeah, I did that when I had them. Do you take birth control pills? Yes, just for period cramps. Without them, they can be immobilizing for me. If you live in the USA: do you feel free and safe? Ha, no. Well, not *entirely*. Have you ever been sick on your birthday? I was recovering from the stomach virus, if that counts. As in I still got sick the day before and felt iffy on my actual bday. 17th, I think? Is talking about your past painful for you? Yes. Are you a member of any support groups online? I'm a member of The Mighty site, if that counts. When I'm feeling very, very sound of mind and helpful without all the negativity being a detriment to myself, I do like going on there and trying to help or comfort people. Have you ever called a suicide hotline? Yes, and the line was busy, and that's when I decided I was a goner. Do you ever fantasize about revenge? I uhhhhh... sometimes. What's a movie you would recommend to someone who never watches movies? Ohhh, that's hard. I don't really watch movies either, and I'm trying to think of one that essentially anyone would like, so hm. Oh, Coco is absolutely a possibility. That movie touched me so, so deeply and is high on my favorites list. It's impossible to not feel the emotions. Do you want to have grandkids? Hell, I don't want kids. Do you want to be an aunt or uncle? I already am one, and I love being an aunt. Who was your favorite Spice Girl? I don't remember their names or characters in general. Did you make a lot of home videos growing up? I mean *I* didn't, but Mom filmed quite a few. Do you enjoy babysitting? NO. What's an unpopular opinion that you have? Avoiding some political ones, uhhhh. OH. HERE'S ONE. THE SCENE AESTHETIC IS FUCKING CUTE AND NOT CRINGEY AND YOU CAN FIGHT ME ABOUT IT. Are you attracted to the opposite gender, same gender, or both? Both are A+. Was your first crush on someone of the same gender or opposite? Opposite. As a kid, I didn't even fathom the concept that women could date women. What is something you'll never eat again? Why? Brussel sprouts. Fucking disgusting. What is currently happening that is scaring you? Besides the very obvious answer of "Covid," I worry about my mom a lot. She's so weakened after all the chemo and meds and can do literally less than I can without heavily breathing and sweating. I just worry a lot that cancer will return sooner than we hope; I don't want it to EVER come back, but doctors say it is very, very likely at one point or another because she was so very close to Stage 4. What would be your personal hell? Being completely and entirely isolated forever while somewhere hot and humid, lol. And play one of my trigger songs on repeat eternally. What made the "weird kid" at your school weird? There was this poor guy named Alfred that was VERY clearly depressed out of his mind, and I heard him speak maybe once through all of high school, and the entire class couldn't believe it. He always sat way in the back and never smiled. I wonder how he is nowadays. What is a word you personally find offensive? "Retarded" personally offends me the most when misused and spoken as an insult. What instantly puts you to sleep? Now that is HARD to do; I have a ridiculously hard time going to sleep. The easiest way though would probably be me being drained from an emotional breakdown. That is so exhausting that I'm capable of crashing pretty fast and hard. What song is in a language you don't speak, but you love it anyway? I adore Rammstein, so there's plenty. I'll probably say "Donaukinder" is their best. What is something you would like to do if you weren’t judged for doing it? I keep that I RP a complete secret in my "real" life for this reason unless it's like, pried out of me. What's a movie you think everyone should watch? Why that one? Johnny Got His Gun. See how goddamn disgusting war is. What was the most unexpected good thing that's ever happened to you? Ha, realizing I was bisexual after once being homophobic. What is the funniest fact you know? Oh man, I know a lot of random trivia shit, really, so it's hard to say. Maybe that quokkas throw their offspring at predators to distract and escape from them... As awful as that is, c'mon, you gotta admit it's funny and shocking with just how adorable they are. What was your 'mic drop' moment? Oh, I don't know. Possibly when I publicly came out as bi on Facebook and made it abundantly clear that I gave no shits about some homophobic friends and family & I was beyond willing to let anyone's ass go over it. What's the kindest way a stranger has treated you? I remember as a kid at McDonald's, the woman in front of our car paid for our food; apparently seeing a mom, dad, and three kids in a van was enough that she wanted to just be kind and give us a smile. We have no idea who she was, never saw her face or anything, she was just a sweet woman. What is the biggest design flaw of your body? Okay, I'm going to let go of all hatred for my body weight-wise and just think of this as from a strictly natural design perspective, in which case I'd say my toes are too small. What age are you afraid of turning and why? 30, because I'm terrified of getting there and seeing I've possibly gone nowhere. What is the strangest thing you have ever felt? I'm keeping this question in just because I think there could be some interesting answers for others, but I'm witholding my answer because nobody wants or needs to know lmao. What makes someone immediately unlikable? Acting better than others and belittling. Who's a villain you sympathize with and why? D A R K I P L I E R because of his origins and overall purpose and just simply existing. What is something you regret to NOT have done? I have this oddly weird regret of not going like, all-all the way with He Who Shall Not Be Named????? Idk why though????? Considering I loved him way too much and I was a reckless and impulsive person who probably at some point would have wound up accidentally pregs????? What a fuckin trip that woulda been. What movie changed your life for the better? None have really "changed my life." What book you think should be directed as a film? Oh, idk. Most I can think of have been. Of all the decades you've lived in, which one have you liked best? The 2000s, probably. A carefree kid. How are you doing today? I'm exhausted. While out with Mom and my sisters yesterday, we got behind a van whose driver was obviously drunk or high off his goddamn ass, and he was swerving EVERYWHERE, nearly shoving so many cars off the road. Mom called 911 to get in contact with highway patrol to report his dumb fucking ass in. I was having an absolute panic attack and cried quietly like the entire 45 or so minute drive home. I was just so, so upset because this is why I don't fucking drive, and I felt like I'd made my sister (who was driving) mad because she had to firmly tell me I had to calm down (I was hyperventilating and talking to myself to try to calm down) if she was going to focus and keep us safe. She later ensured me she wasn't mad, but I still wasn't the same the entire rest of the day. Anyway, I slept hard last night but had two nightmares, so I'm still really tired today. I'm trying to keep myself really distracted. What's something your relatives don't know about you? A whole lot really, considering beyond my very immediate family, I see almost nobody because they live many states away. What's something your parents did, which you have sworn never to do? Mom would spank us or slap an arm pretty hard if my sisters or I misbehaved or "disrespected" her by "talking back." I'm not having kids, but I would never, ever, ever, put my hands on them in any way that isn't loving. You do not teach children via inflicting fear. I also have this probably overly strong aversion to beer because that's what Dad always drank as an alcoholic. I'll probably never try it, not that I really want to because it smells awful. What's the most annoying thing your pet does? I feel like "annoying" is the wrong word for this, but Roman (my cat) can be incredibly demanding of attention and to lie on me when I'm on the laptop in bed, and sometimes I just want space and be able to clearly see the screen, haha. He will legit meow like a baby and gently swat my arm sometimes if I try to keep him back. Heeee usually gets his way. As for Venus (snek), she does nothing "annoying" either, but rather a bit concerning to a snake mom: she is usually very slow to find and strike her food. I feed her frozen/thawed mice, and she will first slither around her entire cage, tongue flicking and clearly looking for her food, even though I always place it atop the same spot on her hide, and she can have her head RIGHT beside it and still do nothing. She ultimately generally eats (as a ball python though, she's a picky eater and will occasionally reject a meal), but I of course wonder why she's odd about dinnertime... As a champagne, she does have the notorious "spider gene" in her, which can cause neurological issues, but idk if something like this could be related.

#survey #surveys #questions #lyrics: ''rise rebel resist'' by otep

2 notes · View notes

figuringouthowtobehere · 3 years

Text

please dont reblog this

i dont have many ppl to talk to. so here i am, screaming into the void that is my tumblr again.

im mostly posting this because im alone. im really really fucking alone. and im hoping i might, idfk, make a solid, trustable connection from tumblr??? idfk. im alone in the world.

please dont reblog this

cw family issues, su*cidality, abandonment, abuse, childhood abuse, trauma, being alone in the world

i have no one to go to. my entire life since i was a baby all ive ever been able to do is survive at the skin of my teeth. and here i am, 20, breathing, trying so fucking hard to live and, idk if im succeeding. im doing my film shit which is cool but. im alone. im on my own. im alone in the world. i never had parents. like, obviously i had parents, but they were never parents, dyou know what i mean? like the people who genetically made me were around but they were abusing me or just being awful or refusing to listen to me about what i needed from them, from their parenthood.

i had a conversation with my mom yesterday (after two days of not being able to get a hold of her and really really needing to) and i was basically just like ‘why cant you be my mom’ and she was like ‘i am your mom’ and i was like ‘well, yeah, but youre not--you cant--you dont mother me. and you dont mother me in the ways i need you to.’ and she was like ‘what does that look like to you?’ and i said ‘someone who i can turn to, always, someone who has my back no matter what, someone who respects me and what i need and who listens to me and trusts my experience and, yeah, someone who i can turn to always’ and she said ‘i mean i can talk with you on the phone, i can tell you what i think you should do, i can try to give you advice from my experience, but as far as someone having your back 24/7 always, i cant do that’ and we ended up talking about how im an adult now - and she was talking about it in the sense of ‘youre a grown man now, you dont need your mom like that anymore’ - and im like ‘ya, i am basically a grown man but i still need my mom. i still need parents.’ and i think im gonna end up cutting contact with her again because its too hard to simultaneously grieve her not being the mom i need and also talk to her. if im not talking to her then i can deal with the idea that i dont have a mother, that i dont have parents and i probably never will.

ive never really had people. i never really had friends when i was a child and i dont really have friends now. maybe its cause im trans, maybe its cause im autistic, maybe its cause im mixed, i dont know, but generally people in the world dont like me or it takes them a long time to not hate me. it doesnt matter why right now the point is i never had people (like, a support system) and i dont now.

so yeah im pretty seriously thinking about killing myself (or, trying to anyway). i dont wanna die but ive spent my whole life trying to just. be a person. and find contentment. and everything in my life ends up going awful or causing me a lot of trouble at some point or another. ive come to expect it. whenever anything happens in my life im just like ‘when will this go wrong. how long will it take this time.’ and im alone. im just fucking on my own. and i know theres lots of people who are and have been more alone than i am/have been and i admire these people so fucking much like GO YOU!! YOUFUCKING DID IT!!! HELL YEAH! im so proud of u. for real, i have so much respect for all yall reading this who have made it through shit and made it through being alone in the world. you fucking got this. youre doing it. good fucking job!!!!! ✨ but then. idk ig it doesnt take away from this being incredibly fucking difficult for me. pretty much everything in my life was fucked from birth to age 18 and now over half of everything in my life is fucked. which is better, for sure, but its still. ive never had a chance. idk it just seems to me like it doesnt matter. i can try and try and do all the therapies and take all the psych meds a psychiatrist might give me and i can meditate all the time. it just seems like im Doomed. (WOW i sound dumb and childish) like ik logically this is probably incorrect, that im not actually just.. doomed but thats how it feels. whenever a good thing happens im just waiting for it to collapse on me. and usually it does in way or another. generally not because of anything ive done or havent done, it just ends up being shit.

and then. ive never had anyone. i dont have anyone. im alone in the world. like its not that im ignoring people i do have or choosing to omit them from my mind right now. i have a singular friend in the place where i live; my other two friends both live in the states. i live with someone who was a support for me until like last ... july or so, i think, who now makes me feel like shit (they arent being malicious its just a bunch of issues in our relationship. theres more on that in stuff ive posted before, if you feel like digging through my posts for a while go ahead and youll find more on that) and i have like 5% (out of 100%) trust for them. i have a therapist who i see once a week and ik shes invested in me, but thats her job. and i cant just call her whenever i want. i have several people for film stuff but theyre either just casual pals and then colleagues or just colleagues. i know a lot of people, who dont really show any investment in me as a person or their relationship with me and who i dont really click well with. and thats it.

and im so. im so in love with Film. all of it. (not The Film Industry obviously.) im so fucking in love with it. the only real concrete reason that i wont end up killing myself in the next like month or two is because Film. and i just. need. people. i need parents. or something. fuck.

i think part of this is probably the long-term ramifications of ongoing childhood sexual, physical, and psychological abuse and never really having good, consistent support cause id be surprised if that didnt fuck with my brain (and, yk, untreated severe childhood brain damage from tbis beginning at less than a year old). but it doesnt really matter does it. ive been through the shit time and again and its not like anyone has appeared and been like ‘hello, i see you never had parents, this is who i am, would you like to get to know each other for a while and maybe i could be your mom?’ cause thats literally what i need. i need parents. like i know theres a thing of ‘if you didnt have parents then you cant undo that damage’ but like idk. if someone has a bunch of unhealed broken bones that got broken years ago that are now causing them a lot of pain you wouldnt just be like ‘sorry, i see youre in trouble from this shit, but because it happened years ago theres nothing we can do’ cause there is??? i forget how i was gonna say this before but like. i didnt have parents. with the ‘parents’ i had its a scientific anomaly i lived past age three. i refuse to believe that having Good Parents and a Good Support System now would do nothing for me. cause it would.

im also facing impending homelessness due to a) welfare/disability programs not giving you enough to live off and b) not having a roommate/not having support systems/not having people. so that doesnt help.

i dont know how to do this. im on my own. im doing all i can. ive reached out to everyone i feel like i could reach out to and. im on my own.

help. i guess. idk what that means but im, once again, at an incredibly fucking AWFUL point in my life and i need help. i doubt anyone will be able to but. if youre able to then. idk. do something. ik that i sound desperate and pitiful and i literally dont care at all because i literally am desperate for support and i literally am at - ANOTHER - extremely low point in my life and its pitiful. im cringing at myself actually posting this because its like ‘you think youre actually find what you need via a tumblr post? where are you? cause thats not real life dude’ but i dont fucking have people to talk to (as you have already understood 🙃) and im tired and tired and tired and tired.

if you took the time to read this i thank you and i hope ur day is going vvv well

please dont reblog this!!

#childhood abuse tw #tw #tw alone in the world #suicide tw #please dont reblog this #no rb #homelessness tw

1 note · View note

and-i-uh · 4 years

Note

6? 22? Any other number you wanted to answer?

6- i dont have any stim toys, ive never really delved into that stuff, i was never really given the chance to explore stuff that would help me out with stimming and such. I also dont think i would like stim toys? Maybe i just have to try some but idk.

22- idk any specific songs i stim to. But ive stimmed while listening to mcr, and honestly i just stim to alot of the general songs i listen to. I really like singing along, i think thats a stim of mine, and some songs just listening to them is like stimming (anything with drums and/or guitars)

2- i like blankets a lot. Even if im hot and dont really need one, ill subconsciously grab the blanket on the couch and put it on my lap, and on my bed. There was one day i grabbed a pocket-sized beanie baby and put itin my hoodie pocket, and just knowing it was there made me happy. Also when i was with my friends one of them stuck their hands in my pocket and i panicked and like moved it out of their reach bc i was scared to get made fun of lol, it ended up being fine. I sleep with stuffed animals a lot. I think thats it

3- my school experiences were,,, not fun at all. Theres a lot to unpack there. My schools all had this thing called a “504 plan” or whatever. And it’s supposed to help people with certain disorders/disabilities. Mine only acknowledged my adhd as far as i know. Maybe my anxiety too. Some of the things that were supposed to ‘help’ were moving me to the front of the room, i got extended time to complete stuff (supposedly), extended time on certain tests (which i only saw on the act, literally i got no other extended time to do anything else. And after i got extended time on the act my scores shot up. Imagine the potential if i was given my actual extended time shit) and the meetings were hell. They started to have meetings with me in middle school, sixth grade i think. Having an administrator there, and my parents, and at least one teacher was terrifying to me. I think i cried every meeting. Honestly it felt like an interrogation to me, esp with all the damn eye contact and shit. My dad asked me if i wanted to continue it this year and i was immediately like fuck no nuh uh not happening. And whether or not I actually needed to be in the front of the room depended on the class, teacher, the people in there, but a lot of the time i would just be moved to the front and i would hate it. In eighth grade my math teacher moved me from the back of the room (a favorite seat in that class) to the front of the room in the middle of class for like a week. It was honestly humiliating and the only time i was eventually able to express my opinion on the 504 shit. Actually my freshman math teacher did that too. Ahaha moving on now before this gets too long.

4/5- three negative and positive things about being autistic.

Pros-

(1) i dont really have a chance to not have a hobby. Ive always got an interest to keep me entertained and i like that.

(2) stimming is nice, i like it, im not afraid to let myself stim. Makes me feel better.

(3) im unique and shit. I have a different pov than other people and that allows me to have different ways of thinking. I think outside the box ig. I also have this weird version of confidence and objectivity that I appreciate in myself

Cons-

(1) its hard to feel like i belong somewhere, bc im so different. Im getting better at it but im not good at getting close to people.

(2) i also like,, dont have certain permanence? Like object permanence? A lot of the time i dont really miss things/people unless im somewhere that reminds me of them. Idk if it’s negative really but its something,, even a spin, like bts, i dont really miss them that much until i do. Theyre still very important to me but yeah

(3) people dont really get me the same way other people get other people. And its hard for me to explain it to people. And theres certain people i get more than others. Its weird.

7- people need to give autistics a chance to be heard. Apply the accommodations you “give” them. Dont put them in the spotlight and give them space when needed. We are what you might call “picky” too. Eating, learning, socializing, we have our own things we need to be able to do shit. Learn them. Let us stim. Encourage us to learn about ourselves and remind us that youre there for us. But dont try to help us unless we ask or we actually need help. Dont trigger meltdowns on purpose, stop using the r word even in passing like its not a big deal. Be more than aware of us, accept us, appreciate us. Dont be a bystander.

8- i dont have much experience with meltdowns? I think? If i have i didnt have chances to recover. I had to go back to class or something. Idk how to recognize them in me either.

10- showering. Thats a big thing that even though i kinda need i forget to do. Except during school. I had a whole routine in the morning and i was super punctual. If i didnt shower i would be late, miss the bus, forget something.

12- meat. The way it feels. Disgusting. How do people eat it and not feel like dying? Same with lettuce. Spinach is fine but every time i try to eat lettuce I almost throw up. Bell peppers, pickles, vinegar, mayo, eggs usually, cheese sometimes. Just off the top of my head. One time i tried putting lettuce on my burger, was feeling adventurous, and after biting down i had to just take the lettuce off. Another time, my stepmom (newly married to my dad) made slads for us, and i was skeptical. There was white stuff all over the salad and she wouldnt tell me what it was. I tried eating a little carrot stick thing and almost vomited. Thats when she learned I cannot eat mayo. Even if idk that its mayo i still cant fuckin eat it. She forced me to eat bell peppers one time. Didnt go well at all. At all.

(Not gonna do the spin one bc ive already talked about them and if i do again itll be too long)

15- yes! I only do big stuff(?)(like yelling n shit) when im completely alone. Like if im home alone. Bc i get so loud. Sometimes ill hum in my room or sing to myself in my room though. Its so fun. As for phrases i repeat, ill repeat anything i find interesting. In a movie or song, or even something a friend said. One time my mom said the phrase “tough titty said the kitty but the milks still good” and i went around the kitchen repeating it until she got annoyed. Also sometimes something in the room will have a constant sound and ill like think a phrase to that sound repeatedly. Idk how to explain it lol. Idk if thats echolalia either

16- rocks. Typical i know, collecting rocks. But i just cant help it. I see a rock i like, i pick it up, take it home. I used to collect sticks. And when i was in elementary school, i used to pick shit up off the playground. Beer bottle caps was a favorite. Apparently the school called my mom about it bc they found my stash and thought it was from home and my parents were drinking excessively. 😬 oops

18- introverted?

19- kinda depends. Idk. I really cant tell wow. I would probably say hypersensitive. Just cause i have a ton of sensory issues and a lot of stuff bothers me. Like types of clothes. And how things are resting on my body. Yeah i guess i am hypersensitive.

20- i used to struggle with self love a lot. And sometimes i still kinda do. But in the past few years ive really started appreciating myself and trying to learn a lot about myself. Its going well id say.

21- empathy. Hmm. I think im very empathetic, actually. I can always tell when someone is feeling uncomfortable in a situation. And when i should tell people to back off of them if they wont say it themselves. And im very uncomfortable when theres secondhand embarrassment. And bullying, in something im watching or reading. Yknow, I actually cant watch mean girls. I just. I tried, i had to walk away bc I couldn’t take it. It also kinda triggers me so theres that. Bc of the bullying. But yeah im very empathetic. Otherwise socially im not good at that.

23- nope. Ive got like no support system other than tumblr and online friends. Apparently my dad refused to acknowledge im autistic and hes my favorite parent. Thats his big flaw though. And if i “came out” to him and said it myself he would probably come around. I know hes not completely nt either. My Opa has ocd, so nuerodiversity runs in the family ig.

While making this i got distracted and went on insta for like an hour oops lol

24- steampunk cosplay? Or college dorm tips? The steampunk one was freshman year, and the college dorm one was fifth grade. It lasted well into sixth grade and seventh grade.

#actually autistic #autism #autism acceptance #special interest #ask #spin #spins #autistic

4 notes · View notes

rodislandpsychic · 4 years

Text

Angelina Jordan Winning the Golden Buzzer from Heidi Klum Marking the End of 2019 as the Year of Jordan

This is a really poignant first post for my blog because it is the beginning, but also symbolizes the end of 2019 as the Year of Jordan.

People just didn’t see it because they haven’t been taught how to read Earth’s Math Language that is used by Subconscious Minds.

This post was a really important to me. Realistically, most people won’t believe my story about the Psychic Field and how it is really possible for one individual to be the focus of TV, Film, and Music for one year.

Angelina Jordan singing “Bohemian Rhapsody” was a big help. Most people don’t know the rest of the 1975 Queen Album “A Night at the Opera.”

The first track on Side B is the “Prophet’s Song” that cites 42 as the 42nd State of Washington where I’m from. It sings how you should listen to the madman.

Track 3 on Side A is “I’m in Love with My Car.” Herbie the Love Bug as a car came out 3/13 of 1969 on the birthday of Jordan born 3/13.

When it comes to Prophecies, working in the Psychic Field, and being a Seer, people will naturally think what you’re spouting is gibberish and a bunch of nonsense.

By having the 1975 songs included in the Album anchored to Bohemian Rhapsody, it reinforces that I’m translating the information correctly.

THEME ABOUT THE MAMA

Most people who are familiar the song “Bohemian Rhapsody” by Queen know the lyrics by heart.

There’s a passage that refers to how the mother killed someone. When I was trying to train Jordan in the Psychic Field, I noticed that her enthusiasm plummeted. She used to get excited about the Psychic Field.

Then I found out that my conversation with her mother didn’t give a good impression. Jordan’s mom found me to be “overbearing.”

However, when people realize just how much Jordan was influencing the news in 2019, I had good reason to keep close tabs on her and monitor Jordan’s progress.

IT WAS ALREADY PREDICTED THOUGH

The song “One Step at a Time” by Jordyn Sparks with Cutfather born 4/9 already predicted Jordan would “cut her Father” on 4/9 of 2019.

It was the birthday of Las Vegas Shooter Steve Craig Paddock on 10/1 of 2017 on the birthday of Jordan’s mom.

It was done a year before I met Jordan 9/27 of 2018 to show that I wasn’t the one who did that. I couldn’t have been involved in that if I hadn’t met Jordan yet.

That was Planet Earth already predicting what Jordan was going to do. Jordan is in Texas and my Uncle Fernando in Texas died that same day.

Over the years, I’ve observed that Earth will fiddle with people’s lives before I met them to make it clear that Rod had nothing to do with it. It’s where Earth already knew what the person was going to do to Rod and pointed it out early so they can’t blame Rod.

Rod couldn’t have been the one using the Psychic Field on them if Rod hadn’t met the person yet. How could Rod hex or curse someone he hasn’t met yet?

SYDNEY’S TOTALED MUSTANG AS A HORSE

Jordan’s friend Sydney had a Mustang at age 16 and it was totaled. It was completely demolished.

Jordan is born Year of the Horse as a Mustang. THe Mustang was created by John Najjir born 11/11 as Washington Statehood. I’m from Washington.

Sydney’s totaled Mustang is an omen put there to show that Jordan born Year of the Horse was going to get wrecked.

TWIN CAR CRASH IN 2002 FOR JORDAN AS 2002

I know the other twin wreck. Aphrodite Statues were found in the country of Jordan. My former business associate Davis was born 2/14 for Love. His BMW was completely totaled.

He should have died in the accident but he walked away from it without a scratch.

The person who hit him had the same name with Lane in it for Lois Lane. Joran is born 3/13 like Lois Lane actress Dana Delany as Jordan Shaw. That accident was in 2002. Jordan is linked to 2002.

KNOWING WHAT THE OTHER JORDANS DID

I’m usually able to make an educated guess about what Jordan did or is going to do based off what the other Jordans I’ve met over the years wearing her same tags and symbols did.

I may not know Jordan personally, but I know what all her other versions of herself I met in my lifetime did.

INSTAGRAM POST ABOUT ANGELINA JORDAN

Angelina JORDAN singing #BohemianRhapsody winning the #GoldenBuzzer by #HeidiKlum moved me to tears.

2019 is Year of Jordan for jordanecraig. It meant a lot to see her acknowledged.

With all due respect to Greta Thunberg, Time Magazine's Person of the Year should have gone to Jordan.

To show I am reading the info correctly, #BohemianRhapsody is Side B of the 1975 Album #ANightAtTheOpera the year I was born.

The first track on Side B is the #ProphetsSong where the lyrics sing about 42 as 42nd State of WA and to “Listen to the Madman.”

3rd Track on Side A is "I’m in Love with My Car.” Herbie as a car came out 3/13 of 1969. Jordan was born 3/13.

1) JORDYN Woods with Tristan Thompson born 3/13 with ex "'Jordan Craig" with child Prince mirrored Jordan E. Craig born 3/13 whose cat is Prince

2) "Once Upon a Time in Hollywood” with Leo DiCaprio is dating Camila Morrone with same initials as Charles Manson as 3rd 13th Letters who tried to murder Terrence JORDEN

3) Miss December 2018 JORDAN Emanuel as 2019 #PlaymateOfTheYear followed by Miss December 2019 JORDY (Jordan) Murray

4) Super Bowl LIII Rams vs Patriots score 3-13 for Jordan's birthday

5) Freaky come-from-behind win was by last place St. Louis Blues with JORDAN Binnington taking the #StanleyCup

6) 2019 NBA Finals (#Psychic ORACLE Arena Golden State Warriors with players disabled against the Toronto Raptors with Drake's song "In My Feelings” with Phylicia Rashad talking about JORDANs and "God’s Plan” with Denzel WASHINGTON. JORDYN Canada moved from L.A. to the Seattle Storm in WA predicting the Raptors would win.

7) Cindy Crawford's daughter Kaia JORDAN Gerber where last name Cra[WFORD] is actually Cra[IG]. K+A/IA means 12/29th State Iowa or 12/29 Texas Statehood. K+A/IA Jordan Cra[WFORD] means Texas Jordan Cra[IG] meaning Jordan Craig of Dallas, Texas.

8) Twin Earthquakes in CA and WA 7/12 of 2019 referred to birthday of #CherylLadd whose daughter is JORDAN ELIZABETH Ladd for JORDAN ELIZABETH Craig.

9) United Flight 4390 emergency landing 4/5 of 2019 in Dallas, Texas for #HayleyAtwell and #LilyJames both born 4/5 as Cinderella's mom and Cinderella in the movie out 3/13 of 2015.

#rodislandpsychic

1 note · View note

cassidycollective · 5 years

Note

♣☾●☑ [hermann, raz, honora, rory, ellis, rob]

♣: Any headcanons about your muse? ok so i have so many for all of em so im only givin 3 fjbvnfkmlvHermann: •He has a tendency to overwork himself/has bad self care habits •He has obsessive compulsive disorder and sensory processing disorder! •His dad is an ass and he doesn’t have a very good relationship with him but he does have a good relationship with his siblings (and vanessa and karla r lesbians)Raziel: •The only member of his family he still regularly associates with is his baby brother, Micah! •His dad was/is really religious (he’s jewish!) and Raz respects that and his roots even though hes not, particularly religious/practicing himself •He has dermatillomania associated with his ocd, hes got it a bit under control now but he still has bad spells, especially when hes really nervous or messed upHonora: •She was a hero on her home planet before going to earth with captain! •Her hero name on Earth was Sugar Rush! •On that note, she has a total sweet tooth and loves baked goods n candies! Rory: •She genuinely thinks of herself (and by extension boss) as the peak of absolute beauty •She went through numerous looks before settling on the cowboy look, knowing it would likely annoy her counterpart the worst but still be attractive •She picks fights with boss sometimes on purpose bc she thinks shes hot when shes mad Ellis: •He’s bi and has known it for ages, he doesn’t really hide it but he also doesn’t speak out about it too much… •His mom was a hairdresser and had her own shop before they left his shitty dad! even after tht she still cut ellis’s hair! even after he moved out fjvnfk •He viewed Keith as a best friend but also a very hectic father figure bc keith was a good few years older than him, and keith may have done some dumbass shit but always told ellis not to do as he did and took the brunt of any actual harm Rob: •He is gay! •He deals with ptsd from the whole Clover thing, as well as a physical disability resulting from injuries sustained during the whole attack •Obvi my portrayal is canon divergent, in that he lived, and hudson did as well! i see it as beth was dead when they got there from the spike through her abdomen, so from there they left and there helicopter was still crashed but they made it out. Lily still escaped before them! and ye!

☾: Favorite moment from your Muse’s canon, and why. (If your Muse is an OC, then favorite aspect of their story.) Hermann: his lil grin when he says ‘do i really have a choice?’ to newton or when hes trying to figure out the handshake sorta thing and says ‘by jove we are going to own this thing for sure!’Raziel: When he stops being a stupid idiot and actually realizes how much he loves Sage and they get to be happy together and try to help each other grow and get better??? good shit!Honora: Any moments she has with Cap…. Espec when they met because she was so inspired by her and immediately infatuated fjvnfRory: None shes goblin (I’m kidding fjcnkc i really like that she differentiated herself from boss in her own ways and the fact she chose to be a cowboy is endlessly funny to me i love it so much fjvk)Ellis: The fact hes a special infect magnet fjvnfkml, the fact tht he apparently sometimes hops onto coaches back so coach occasionally thinks jockeys r ellis fjvnkmf, or mayb the fact he planned to get a tattoo of his truck on his other arm but the apocalypse fucked up his truck so he thinks mayb eventually of getting one of jimmy gibbs jr.s stock car insteadRob: When hes at the party and hud asks what he’s gonna do without rob around and he says ‘i dont know, im like your main dude’ and hud just says ‘straight up’ ?? yeah thats good content

●: If you could say just one thing to your Muse, what would it be? Hermann: You are capable of being loved, it’s ok. No one is lying about how they feel for you.Raziel: Please, please stop being such a dumbass. He doesn’t love you, and he never will. Honora: You didn’t fail by getting killed, that’s all on boss. You’re still very capable and helpful.Rory: Stop.Ellis: Keep that hope and optimism, it’s an endless gift to have.Rob: You are safe now, this isn’t temporary. You will get to be happy.

☑: An OTP with your Muse in it (if you have any).Hermann: Hermann and newt ofc because gay rights Raziel: Raz and Sage, bc its the only healthy ship he has and its ultimate gay rights!!Honora: honora n cap!!! bc theyre literally married and yet again, gay rightsRory: her and her own ego, and ig her and boss jfnvkmf theyre perfect for each other because theyre both literally the worst! and cant feel love!Ellis: ellis and nick bc im a simple man and its good soft gay rightsRob: rob and hud…. gay rights

#charliecrew #headcanons || 𝒸𝓇𝑒𝒶𝓉𝒾𝓋𝑒 𝓁𝒾𝒸𝑒𝓃𝓈𝑒 #asks || 𝒾𝓃𝓉𝑒𝓇𝑒𝓈𝓉𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝒾𝓃𝓆𝓊𝒾𝓇𝑒𝓈 #long post /#Hermann || 𝓇𝑜𝒷𝑜𝓉 𝑒𝓃𝓉𝒽𝓊𝓈𝒾𝒶𝓈𝓉 #raziel || 𝓂𝓇. 𝒹𝑜𝒸𝓉𝑜𝓇 𝓂𝒶𝓃 𝓆𝓊𝑒𝓈𝓉𝒾𝑜𝓃𝓈 𝒽𝒾𝓈 𝒽𝒶𝓃𝒹𝓈 #Honora || 𝒿𝓊𝓈𝓉 𝒶 𝑔𝒽𝑜𝓈𝓉 𝑜𝓊𝓉 𝑜𝒻 𝒽𝑒𝓇 𝑔𝓇𝒶𝓋𝑒...#Rory || 𝓉𝒽𝑒 𝒹𝑒𝓋𝒾𝓁'𝓈 𝑔𝑜𝓉 𝓃𝑜𝓉𝒽𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝑜𝓃 𝓂𝑒!#Ellis || 𝒷𝒶𝒹𝒶𝓈𝓈 𝓏𝑜𝓂𝒷𝒾𝑒-𝓀𝒾𝓁𝓁𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝓂𝒶𝒸𝒽𝒾𝓃𝑒!#Rob || 𝓈𝓁𝓊𝓈𝒽𝑜™

1 note · View note

scbines · 5 years

Text

WORD okay what up i’m ally, i’m twenty1, i use she/her pronouns, my timezone is est & small disclaimer: i don’t know what the fuck i’m doing, okay!! just keep that in mind when you .. go to read this complete shit storm okay i’m Trying.. anywhen! i may or may not have uhhh copied & pasted the majority of this from the last time i played her but.. that’s neither her nor there, tbh! if u wanna plot, feel free to hmu on discord at [mournful bagpipe music]#2581 or yk use the lil chat thing on tumblr if u aint got discord bhvfjn. MOVING ON..

cw: alcohol, neglect, sex ( & i think that’s it, folks! )

sab’s pinterest: here!

( sofia carson, cisfemale ) did you hear how SABINE VALDEZ is applying to columbia university as a PHILOSOPHY major ?! the TWENTY-ONE year old is living in the WATT HALL. i heard that they got in because they are +MAGNETIC and +INTREPID, but honestly i think SHE can be -FLIGHTY and -VOLATILE. they’re a real CATACLYSM. oh well, only time will tell if the JUNIOR will make it til the end.

imma just dive right in cos idk how else to go about it bgvjn

sabine grew up w/ a single mom in Detroit & they were basically skating the line between lower class and poverty, meaning they had like a proper house, but they were definitely behind on mortgage always and living paycheck to paycheck :// like when they went grocery shopping & sab would put anything but the basics in the cart her mom would look at her like ‘that’s a joke, right?’ and never could afford like birthday/christmas presents or cake or anything rip ( honestly not that sab’s mom gave enough a shit to even notice smh ) ! so everything was always a little .. hectic ig ? her mom couldnt ever relax unless she was blackout drunk so uhh that’s p much that on that sighs

even worse?? when sab was about eleven her mom got injured at work ( dont ask me How cos i have? no idea hibgfnjd i’ll flesh it out at some point.. maybe .. probably not.. ) so she and sab lived on disability checks and whatever small money sab could make helping her neighbors with like yard work/babysitting/shit like that until she was old enough to get a real job smh meaning she’s been working as long as she can remember god im exhausted just typing it

this basically left sab to raise herself, which .. most likely left her better off than if her mom paid her more attention tbh? cos her mom is selfish and doesnt care about anything but the next drink & the next man she’ll be inviting home smh !! the whole thing w/ her mom is that she Never Wanted kids but it wasn’t an option to abort or give sab up for adoption so she was Stuck raising a kid she never wanted .. truly .. rip ..

that said, sab’s mom was .. promiscuous to say the least .. all thru sab’s childhood there were countless nameless men in and out of their lives ranging from a day to a few weeks at most SIGHS anyways this of course led to sab having a seriously warped idea of what a healthy relationship is HELLO hvicnjm it’s super flawed to the point where she thinks the height of healthy relationship goals is to be exclusive for more than a few weeks smfh its wild tbh .. romance? dont know her! love? WHOMST? to sabine, there’s no point in bothering to rely or care for someone else because you’ll just end up disappointed so she ? keeps her distance for the most part.. relying Solely on herself cos thats the only person who wont let her down ( while also suffering from deeply rooted self-hatred? wow .. legends only .. )

anyways !! she Hated detroit like nobody’s business and always wanted nothing more than to Get Away from the toxicity of her home life and the suffocation of being the caregiver for a woman who will hardly get out of her bed gtg !!! so this led to her putting all her focus into after school jobs and making sure she was the top of her class At All Times like .. shes always been super determined and goal oriented but to a fault if that makes sense. she will work her ass off when given reason to, but once she’s accomplished that goal, she feels absolutely aimless sighs

bitch had .. like 3 jobs in hs and applied to a dozen schools, all of them at least 100 miles from detroit like Word ! she applied to columbia on a whim not thinking she’d get in but when she got that acceptance letter you can bet ur ass the bitch was Outta There!!

getting here tho … she isnt sure what to do next ihbvfcnj she never thought as far as majors and actually choosing what to do with the rest of her life so she?????? is undetermined about p much everything hgvifncjd but philosophy seems like the cop out she’s been looking for lmao !!!

anyways she works at a shitty diner not too far from campus like almost every day after classes but on weekends she COUGHS strips across town hibvfncj HA didnt see that coming did ya smh hibfnjd but!! she does it across town cos she lk wants it to stay a secret like she doesnt need to kick a frat boy’s ass for making shitty comments now does she??? but i mean .. its not something she’s ashamed of, she’s just Not Interested in having people she hates talk shit and slut shame ygm??

being so busy all the time, she doesn’t really have time for any school activities but she’s down for a party at any time ( esp if its like themed hbifnjd she loves a costume ) and uhh dtf too lbr shes v in touch w/ her sexuality #freethenipple ( does she even own a single bra?? we just don’t know! )

THAT SAID !! she doesnt correlate sex with like .. emotions?? cos shes never seen them in a situation where they’re mutually exclusive rip :// this led to her thinking people only ever Wanted Something from her be it her body or like a chance to put her down to feel better abt themselves smh ! she isnt a generally violent person but if it’s the latter she’s more likely to throw a few choice words in ur direction hvifcnj

generally, sab’s p much just ur Stressed Out Scholarship Student just trying to graduate so her life isnt a fucking trainwreck like her mom’s! she’s desperate for both human affection and adventure, so offer her one, the other or both and her heart is yours tbh! as much as she’ll pretend its not lmao !!1!1!!!!

anywhomst i cannot for the life of me think of anything else to type her atm since im??? garbage???? but !! mssg me if u wanna plot smthn out fam since uhh sab having friends??? sounds like a pipe dream tbh and im desperate for it lol!

#☆ — ❛ ooc. ❜#columbiaintro #this is embarrassing i can do better #but here we are ..

25 notes · View notes