i gave you all x crimson rivers
SPOILERS crimson rivers chapter 50 !!!!!!!!!!!!!
for those of you who have read it :
here are the lyrics to i gave you all by mumford and sons, interwoven with quotes from chapter 50. because that song fucks me up, and that chapter fucks me up, so you know. might as well make a deal out of it.
don't thank me for the tears ;)
Rip the earth in two with your mind
"Betrayal is betrayal is betrayal!" Regulus shouts
Seal the urge which ensues with brass wires
"Grow up, Regulus."
"You won't let me!"
I never meant you any harm
"I was a kid, too."
But your tears feel warm as they fall on my forearm
"The one who didn't grow up is you, Sirius, not me. You're still that kid trying to protect me at every turn, but I got older, and I learned to take care of myself, and I don't need you anymore."
But close my eyes for a while
"Shut up," Sirius says reflexively, his mouth dry, heart thundering hard in his chest. You do, he thinks desperately. You do need me. You'll always need me.
Force from the world a patient smile
"What I regret most isn't that you broke your promise, Sirius," Regulus continues. "It's that I wasted time caring enough to ask for a promise from you at all."
How can you say that your truth is better than ours?
"And I don't anymore," Regulus presses on. "Care, that is."
Shoulder to shoulder, now brother, we carry no arms
Sirius' mind just—doesn't accept it. Not this. Not from his little brother. His little brother. Always his little brother.
The blind man sleeps in the doorway, his home
"Oh, you're clever," Sirius breathes out
If only I had an enemy bigger than my apathy I could have won
"You're not going to fight me."
But I gave you all
"No," Sirius says. "I'm not."
I gave you all
"You're my brother. I love you.
I gave you all
That's what it is, that's what it's always been, and that's what it will forever be."
Close my eyes for a while
"Only one of us can make it home"
Force from the world a patient smile
Sirius softens, helplessly. "I know, and that's you."
But I gave you all
Regulus doesn't move, doesn't break his gaze, doesn't do anything for a long moment—and then, calmly, he says, "Are you willing to bet your life on that?"
I gave you all
"Yes," Sirius says firmly, then holds his arms out and leaves himself an open target. All Regulus has to do is throw his dagger, and that'll be it. He doesn't.
I gave you all
"Are you willing to bet someone else's life on that?" Regulus asks quietly, holding his gaze. "Your moon's, perhaps."
And you rip it from my hands
And you swear it's all gone
Sirius doesn't let him finish. Doesn't even give him the chance. In seconds, he has Regulus flat on his back on the ground, hitting him once, twice, a third time.
And you rip out all I had
Just to say that you've won
Everything seems to fall apart, and it hurts, because this—it's proof. It's convincing. Sirius, for the first time, doesn't believe in his brother. Because Regulus wants to say Remus' name, and that would hurt Sirius more than dying by Regulus' hand.
And you rip it from my hands
And you swear it's all gone
After everything that Sirius did for him.
After everything that Sirius suffered for him.
And you rip out all I had
Just to say that you've won
After everything that Sirius tried so fucking hard to fix.
You've won
"I gave everything for you!" Sirius shouts, then hits Regulus again. "And this is what you give to me?!"
Well now you've won
Sirius hits him again, heaving out a harsh breath that escapes him like a sob, hot tears dripping down the length of his nose as he confesses, "I hate you. I fucking hate you. Why would you do this? How could you do this to me, after I—after all of it? All I've ever done is love you! Everything I did, I did for you! It's your fault, and I hate that you were ever fucking born!"
But I gave you all
"You'll have to kill me."
I gave you all
"I will! Don't fucking push me, because I will," Sirius snarls, vibrating in place, suspended in this moment of horrible, sickening rage, and hurt, and betrayal, and fear.
I gave you all
"It's okay," Regulus gasps, one bloodstained hand coming up to shakily cover Sirius' around the dagger. His fingers are slick as they wrap around Sirius' hand, and he swallows, he swallows his own blood just to look right at Sirius and choke out, "I love you, too. Wanted to say it for a while. Sorry. I'm so sorry I didn't. Sorry I'm saying it now, but I do. It's okay, right? It's okay. I love you, too."
sorry for butchering's zar text, i swear if the song had been longer i would have done that with the whole chapter. fucking masterpiece, that chapter is.
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