calling toji when you can't sleep bc the trees look like monsters
mysterious shadows danced across the off-white wall that faced the bed. it intrigued you how harmless things could turn sinister in a matter of hours. the trees swayed like monsters outside, and the wind howled like hungry, blood-thirsty wolves through the windows. you sunk deeper into your duvet, your body growing hot with anxiety and fear. it was dumb, the paranormal series you watched before bed.
it was all in your head.
the usual creak of the hardwood floors made your skin crawl. your eyes were darting in every direction as you formulated an escape plan. your chest was tight, and your breathing was quiet but quick, like a duck swimming. you couldn’t bring yourself to turn onto your left side, your eyes glued to the wall parallel to you.
you were officially frozen with fear. the fear of nothing and everything. your phone lay on the bedside table on the left side of the bed, toji’s usual side, although without him here, you were terrified. with a surge of courage, you quickly turned over, facing the empty side of the bed. you shuffled quietly and reached your arm out to grasp your phone. as soon as it was in your grip, you turned the flashlight on. the room looked exactly the same as you had left it before you went to bed 3 hours ago, but it felt different. most likely from the made-up scenario you composed in your mind.
you checked your messages to see if toji had texted, and to your discomfort, he hadn’t. so in classic fashion, you called him and put it on speaker.
“hey doll, what’s up?” his voice was gruff, but it warmed your skin.
“just wanted to check up, see how you’re doing...” your voice was shaky, and you cursed yourself for it.
“isn’t it 3am in tokyo?” he didn’t sound worried, and he had every right to—toji knew nothing was inherently wrong. but you needed comfort.
“uh, yeah, i just needed to hear your voice.”
he sighed, and you could practically hear him run a hand through his hair. “i know it’s hard, but i’ll be home in 2 days.”
toji then scoffed, and you could hear him rolling his eyes. “did you watch one of those stupid, scary shows again?”
you groaned, knowing he made fun of how scared you got. his laughter only heightened, and you covered your eyes with your hand, giggling.
“yes, and stop laughing at me. i’m terrified!” you confessed, your heart practically beating out of your chest as you eyed the bedroom door. “i wish you were here with me, toj.”
“2 days, and i’ll be back in your arms, saving you from the big, scary monsters that live in our apartment,” toji announced, his voice softer than when he first answered. you sighed, hoping the phone call would never end.
“listen, doll, i gotta go, okay? but 2 days.”
you smiled softly at his words.
“okay, i love you,” you mumbled, feeling safer and more content; the picture frames on the chest of drawers on the opposite wall stopped their random movements, and the shadows across the room stilled.
“love you too, and don’t forget to check under the bed,” his hysterical laughter was the last thing you heard before he hung up.
Daddy I love him is an Ariel quote, when Ariel gives up her voice for love. Taylor has given up love for her voice (career), but also not spoken up for what she wants most. But Daddy I Love Him is a continuation of a theme of how fame and fandoms have affected Taylor's personal life. What I love about this song is it sounds like an older Taylor Swift song, she embraces a country sound and speaks her mind.
While the parallels to the reaction to a relationship in May 2023 can be seen, this overlooks much of her experience with this behaviour. I don't mean to say it is not an element, but it is far from a complete story to say it is about ending a 3 week relationship with someone about whom she also said "And I'll forget you, but I'll never forgive" on the same record.
In her NYU Graduation address in May 2022 Taylor had part of the concept in this already swirling in her mind, a full year before she dated Matty Healy:
Having journalists write in-depth, oftentimes critical, pieces about who they perceive me to be made me feel like I was living in some weird simulation, but it also made me look inward to learn about who I actually am. Having the world treat my love life like a spectator sport in which I lose every single game was not a great way to date in my teens and twenties, but it taught me to protect my private life fiercely. Being publicly humiliated over and over again at a young age was excruciatingly painful but it forced me to devalue the ridiculous notion of minute by minute, ever fluctuating social relevance and likability.
What Taylor is referring to is the treatment by the media and fandoms throughout her career, but this was never more of an issue than 2012-2014. Nothing is a terrifying as a teenager on fledgeling social media. This TikTok creator describes it perfectly:
From tabloids, twitter, tumblr, even people who looked like Taylor were abused.
So yes, Harry has had and worn t-Shirt with the song title for years, and yes they have both dressed up as Ariel. But that is not all that makes this song about Taylor loosing her love over fan behaviour... it's because she did. She lost the love she wrote 1989 including "This love left a permanent mark / This love is glowing in the dark" about. And it continues today, there are a lot of people who still call Harry's partners vile names and think it is OK to treat others poorly because they suggest he could care for someone. I think anyone who's read this far knows exactly what I mean, probably first hand.
This affected Taylor the point the Clean Speeches on the 1989 Tour were on this topic, every night she talked about bullying, self worth and holding onto love.
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The 'Daddy' is not just the fans and media, but probably her team also. I think the varied shapes in the CDs are to show this comes in many forms and roles, not just one experience. As Taylor said to Rolling Stone in 2014 before 1989 was released:
Lyrics
[Verse 1]
I forget how the West was won
I forget if this was ever fun
I just learned these people only raise you
To cage you
Sarahs and Hannahs in their Sunday best
Clutching their pearls, sighing, “What a mess”
I just learned these people try and save you
‘Cause they hate you
For the international fans like myself 'How the West was Won' is a 1960's film about American colonisation. I think the opening 2 lines do 2 things, place us in a country setting and also tell us Taylor cares more about speaking her mind than what may be higher bigger goals.
The second half of this verse goes on to set out that it is fans who are approaching her love lost as trauma porn, and I am here for it.
I also note the cage reference, Taylor (and Harry) have a long theme of being caged or trapped by fame, she has a literal cage in her Nashville apartment, he has a cage tattoo and they have used cage, glass boxes, fishbowls, snowglobe imagery. Here she points out the fans are not really there for her, they are seeking to control her.
[Pre-Chorus 1]
Too high a horse for a simple girl
To rise above it
They slammed the door on my whole world
The one thing I wanted
The pre-chorus furthers that the final straw has been broken, she's been cornered by fans to give up something she cares for.
Vigante Shit "Ladies always rise above / Ladies know what people want / Someone sweet and kind and fun /The lady simply had enough"
Is It Over Now? "I was hoping you’d be there and say the one thing I’ve been wanting, but no"
That is the only time Taylor has sung about ‘wanting one thing' before. This also reminds me of the Delicate Behind the Scenes, where she said she got a note from a lover and wants to be with him but realises 'it can never be him'
[Chorus]
Now I’m running with my dress unbuttoned
Scrеaming, “But, Daddy, I love him
I’m having his baby”
No, I’m not, but you should see your faces
I’m telling him to floor it through thе fences
No, I’m not coming to my senses
I know he’s crazy, but he’s the one I want
In the chorus Taylor acts out a churlish child yelling at a father. The 'daddy' is many roles, her actual parents, fans, media and probably record company and PR people who told her she could be with the one she loved, throughout her life. She says the matching line to Harry's Kiwi, which has the same meaning.
Taylor 'floors it through the fences, fed up and unwilling to listen. This is great imagery, to break through fences, and also as metaphorical fences that have been placed around what considered acceptable for her. Cars are also a Haylor theme, including Run below and often used as a metaphor for their love escaping as it is here. (All I know is that you drove us off the road / Let’s get out of this town, drive out of the city, away from the crowds)
Is It Over Now?: Was it over when he unbuttoned my blouse?
Run: And my so-called friends, they don’t know I’d drive away before I let you go
In Kiwi Harry yells a tabloid line followed with it's none of your business. In his Harry's House ONO complete with pointing at the camera and crowd. Taylor also referenced these same tabloids headlines in the Reputation magazine.
Kiwi "I'm having your baby / It's none of your business"
[Verse 2]
Dutiful daughter, all my plans were laid
Tendrils tucked into a woven braid
Growing up precocious sometimes means
Not growing up at all
He was chaos, he was revelry
Bedroom eyes like a remedy
Soon enough, the elders had convened
Down at the city hall
In the second verse Taylor establishes that she has gone everything asked of her:
Style - "I got that good girl faith and a tight little skirt"
Style - "So it goes, he can’t keep his wild eyes on the road"
Yet is denied freedom and the elders decree the match is unsuitable. I think the elders are her team. She describes the muse as chaos and revelry. This is very reminiscent of the I Knew You Were Trouble introduction poem, but while in 2012 Taylor was contrite and said it was too much she now revels in the revelry:
"And the crazy thing is I don't know if I'm ever gonna feel that way again, but I don't know if I should. I knew his world moved too fast and burned too bright, but I just thought, how can the devil be pulling you toward someone who looks so much like an angel when he smiles at you? Maybe he knew that when he saw me. I guess I just lost my balance. I think that the worst part of it all wasn't losing him it was losing me"
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[Pre-Chorus 2]
“Stay away from her”
The saboteurs protested too much
Lord knows the words we never heard
Just screeching tires and true love
The 'daddy' has now forbidden the love, this is reminiscent of Love Story: "And my daddy said, “Stay away from Juliet”
[Chorus]
And I’m running with my dress unbuttoned
Screaming, “But, Daddy, I love him
I’m having his baby”
No, I’m not, but you should see your faces
I’m telling him to floor it through the fences
No, I’m not coming to my senses
I know he’s crazy, but he’s the one I want
'Crazy' and Madness are a Haylor theme, particularly in the Blank Space music video, and these lyrics
Wonderland "And in the end, in Wonderland, we both went mad"
Kiwi "She's driving me crazy, but I'm into it (Oh) and "It's getting crazy, I think I'm losing it, I think I'm losing it"
But many more songs:
[Post-Chorus 1]
I’ll tell you something right now
I’d rather burn my whole life down
Than listen to one more second of all this bitching and moaning
I’ll tell you something ’bout my good name
It’s mine alone to disgrace
I don’t cater to all these vipers dressed in empath’s clothing
I love the last line, vipers dressed in empaths clothing, that is exactly what they are.
[Bridge]
God save the most judgmental creeps
Who say they want what’s best for me
Sanctimoniously performing soliloquies I’ll never see
Thinking it can change the beat
Of my heart when he touches me
And counteract the chemistry
And undo the destiny
You ain’t gotta pray for me
Me and my wild boy and all of this wild joy
If all you want is gray for me
Then it’s just white noise, and it’s just my choice
The only time Taylor has described someone as wild in lyrics is in Style "So it goes, he can’t keep his wild eyes on the road"
Afterglow "Chemistry until it blows up"
I love the end of the bridge, elsewhere on the record Taylor describes her long term relationship as grey, staid and boring. For many years some fans have shoehorned this person into lyrics because they want to see themselves in her, as they settle down they want her too. From my point of view some rather loud warning signs in songs were overlooked, or seen as 'she's remembering the past/when they first got together' to avoid accepting she was unhappy and wanted out.
Out of the Woods "The rest of the world was black and white
But we were in screaming color"
[Verse 3]
There’s a lot of people in town that I
Bestow upon my fakest smiles
Scandal does funny things to pride, but brings lovers closer
We came back when the heat died down
Went to my parents and they came around
All the wine moms are still holding out
But fuck ’em, it’s over
This verse is where I think it becomes clear than the 2023 lens is at best reminding Taylor of a past love, because that relationship never came back. Matty has said they never dated in 2014, there was no controversy around her attending concerts then. They dated for a few weeks then stopped talking, and of story.
However Harry and Taylor did sing about a hidden relationship for years. In fact Taylor wasn't connected to anyone else in a serious way for three years. In particular
Wildest Dreams: I said, “No one has to know what we do”
This Love "This love came back to me, oh, oh, oh"
I know places : "Somethin' happens when everybody finds out / See the vultures circling, dark clouds" and "we're bulletproof I know places (Hide) and you know for me, it's always you"
…Ready For It?: "Island breeze and lights down low, no one has to know"
I Know Places TV's lyric video for got a very TTPD themed look.
[Final Chorus]
Now I’m dancing in my dress in the sun and
Even my daddy just loves him
I’m his lady
And, oh, my God, you should see your faces
Time, doesn’t it give some perspective?
And, no, you can’t come to the wedding
I know it’s crazy, but he’s the one I want
Taylor is asking her fans, parents, media if they have grown up, from when they were teenagers playing with her real life, do they have perspective and willing to accept that she loves someone of her choosing?
And no, they can't come to the wedding, but I bet they have Eras Tour tickets....
My Country: The New Age, first and last episodes & Hanif Abdurraqib, For The Dogs Who Barked At Me On The Sidewalks in Connecticut (text/audio)
image descriptions in alt
Thinking about a Parallels AU where the main four + Camille are all different ages at the start of the show, and all the dynamics are different because of it.
The only main characters who have met at the start are Sam and Victor, and Sam and Bilal.
Sam is fifteen years old, so he's the closest to his canon age.
Victor is nine years old, so he's the youngest by a lot in this.
Bilal is thirty years old, and he's working with his mom on the tests. He also tutors Sam in math on the weekends.
Romane is nineteen years old, and hasn't met any of the other main characters.
Camille is nine years old, and she and Victor go to the same school.
Episode one starts when Sam is supposed to go to tutoring, but ends up needing to bring Victor with him, because their parents weren't able to pick him up from some activity or other.
I haven't figured out how they get to the woods from there; for the sake of convenience, let's say that cat Romane and Camille feed shows up injured, and they end up following the cat to try and help it? Work in progress.
Anyways, once they're close to the bunker, they run into Romane. Assuming we're going with the cat plot device, because I can't think of anything else right now, Romane was also trying to find the cat. The cat is gone now, though, and they're all about to turn back.
Then Victor notices the bunker (the key is in the door, idk), and wants to go inside. Sam and Bilal don't think it's a good idea, but Romane also wants to go inside for some reason, and the four end up going to check it out.
The test goes off, of course, and the timelines split.
Timeline 1 - Romane and Victor are left in the bunker.
Victor definitely blames himself for the disappearances, since he was the one to suggest going in the bunker in the first place. Romane also definitely blames herself for the disappearances, since Victor is nine years old, and she should have known it was a bad idea, but she didn't, and now this kid's brother is probably dead because of that.
Romane ends up talking to Victor afterwards, and realizes that he goes to school with Camille. The conversation turns to that, and Victor mentions that he's not doing great in some subject or other; a subject Romane happens to be good at. Feeling like it's the absolute least she could do for him, she offers to help him with homework after school.
Since Victor is literally an elementary school child, his parents are not sending him to boarding school. They do become increasingly distant and harsh, and Victor becomes increasingly convinced that they don't care about him.
Victor ends up spending a lot of time at Romane and Camille's house. At first, it's just because Romane's helping him with homework. Then it sinks in that no one else understands what happened in the bunker, and that fact starts playing into their dynamic. Then he starts to become friends with Camille. By the time four years have gone by, Victor and Camille are close friends, and Romane sees Victor as another sibling. (She hasn't moved out yet because a. She's attending university nearby. and b. She doesn't trust Herve and wants to keep an eye on her family.)
Then Vanessa Chassangre dies, and Romane is faced with the possibility of losing her sister. She's trying to figure out if she has any chance at getting custody, when Victor shows up to ask if she wants to go back to the bunker. Neither of them have figured out the correlation with the test in this AU, but they still go, out of sentimentality and curiosity and several other complicated emotions.
Test happens again; Victor and Romane time travel.
Timeline 2 - Romane and Bilal are left in the bunker.
Bilal connects the dots between the tests and the disappearances pretty quickly. He tells his mom. Then he tells Romane.
Bilal decides to try and find a way to save Sam and Victor. This time, it's less out of personal grief and more out of a sense of responsibility for what happened and guilt.
Romane graduates high school feeling completely lost. She doesn't know what she wants to do with her life, and she can't shake the guilt over what happened.
Haven't planned it out too well, but Bilal and Romane stay in contact. I'm not sure how it's going to work, but he's able to get her accepted for an internship at some point, and she ends up working with Bilal and Sofia.
The three of them continue to work at the time travel. Along the way, Romane becomes close with both Sofia and Bilal, viewing them as family.
Vanessa dies; Herve tries to take Camille. This time, it doesn't work. Romane has a support net, a steady income, and a future in the physics field. Romane gets custody of her sister.
They figure out the time travel. Bilal decides to go back.
Timeline 3 - Sam is left in the bunker; Bilal travels back to this one; Victor and Romane travel back to this one.
Since Bilal was already an adult before the time travel, Sam still recognizes him. He's clearly aged several years, though, which everyone is very confused about. Bilal has his canonical memory loss.
Idk what happens for the first day, but then Romane and Victor show up to the timeline at the same time they do in canon.
I haven't thought about how the plot changes from there, but the timeline where Victor kills Sam and then disappears after time traveling again doesn't happen. The official explanation is that they're able to stop it from happening the first time; the actual explanation is that I can't keep track of that many timelines in an already complicated AU.
Notes on the AU:
Camille ends up being there for the finale's events, both because she's a little older in the AU and because she's friends with Victor in the AU, so she insists on coming with the main characters.
Victor's emotional conflict ends up being roughly the same, because on the one hand, he's had more of a support net for those four years, but on the other, he's younger with more intense emotions, so it all kind of evens out.
For obvious reasons, none of the canon romantic relationships exist, with the exception of Sofia and Lieutenant Retz.
Obviously lots of things are different with this one, but I can't really think of a lot right now because I'm tired, so I might add to this later.
God nothing hits like early bleach, the substitute shinigami arc and rukia’s execution arc are just. Ugh. Something about the crunchy-ass early 2000s-ness of it that the rest of the series lost (not just animation wise but aesthetic wise), when there was still hope that all the potential would be capitalized on, idk, it was just fun and getting to fall in love with all the characters because pretty much every single one introduced was great and engaging. I just really really wish the series had kept that early vibe that it started losing once the visoreds were introduced, they got the last little tail end of it. As soon as we got to the heuco mundo arc this all vanished and it’s so upsetting, the series just lost a lot of its personality, if that makes sense, I wish it had kept it so badly
I think the strongest direct Ryuji parallel is just that RGGJo is also a There Can Only Be One Dragon-type bitch. But I honestly don't think it chafes him for the same reasons as Ryuji lol, because there's also the element of Ichi "copying" his design and "doing it better" (in a meta sense, on account of Horitomo handling his tattoo but not RGGJo's.) It's a fun callback and good set-dressing for what amounts to two sons squabbling for their dad's approval.
It's kind of fun to think about for real though, because in Ryuji's RGGO story, the Arakawa Family are tasked with assassinating Ryuji. And Jo's all ready to go but Arakawa makes the crucial decision to assign Ichi to the job instead. While Ichi does Empty An Entire Clip into Ryuji and it's badass as hell, he's also nice enough to get him immediate medical attention, which Jo wouldn't have been. Wild that Ryuji would be dead long before K2 if Jo and Ryuji really had met at that time.
Outside of that... perhaps a hot take... but I think Ryuji would be RGGJo's "type." Because the instant he meets Kagami (Tendo's counterpart, whom I personally prefer to Tendo himself lol) they hit it off. By which I mean RGGJo was blatantly flirting with him and batting his eyelashes going "Oh, you wouldn't want to fight little old me, I'm delicate." And, you know, Kagami's supposed to be The Ryujicore Guy, sort of in the vein of Watase in Y5 but even more so.
And I think the reason they get along so well--they, as "old-fashioned" yakuza, value strength above all else within other yakuza--is also something that transferred to Y7Jo, if his monologue in The Eye Scene is anything to go by. So that's perhaps another parallel with Ryuji that originated with RGGO, although Majima and some others are the same way, so perhaps not.
That's definitely the strongest connection between RGGJo and Ryuji, it's an aspect I was immediately able to pick up on when I was first reading through RGGO (and again, it is really funny from the lens of Ichi and Jo being bickering brothers just pointing at each other and going 'I did it first, you copied me!' and whining to dad about it lmao)
Ryuji's penchant for escaping death's pretty funny (if we want to count him surviving in Dead Souls as canonical, this is twice now): bless Ichiban for reserving his right to kill so we could at least meet Ryuji first (though now I can't help but to imagine Ryuji as some heinous beast they've been tasked to hunt down. I guess Ryuji being so large and having a fur coat doesn't help get rid of that imagination: Arakawa Family hunting trip anyone?).
SPEAKING of unmissable Ryuji traits in RGGO, Kagami was ESPECIALLY an absolute slap in the face for RGG to be like 'hey you guys remember Ryuji'. I almost laughed seeing him, but I didn't hate him of course, I was just surprised they really introduced a character so objectively inspired by Ryuji. I think you're onto something though: they could definitely click if given the chance (and now I do wonder what would have happened if RGGJo was sent to kill Ryuji instead…).
A moodboard for Torchwood One: Machines - 9 to 5 . I've so far listed to the first and second Torchwood One series . I've enjoyed all 3 stories in Machines ,but I have to say my favourite of the second series is 9 to 5 .