#now i'm so dependent on my parents i don't really need to challenge myself | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

dzpenumbra · 1 year

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2/1/23

Alright, here's how today went. Last day of the 30 day yoga thing, the woman who was doing the challenge decided to like... let you do your own thing and just look at what she's doing if you run out of ideas. It was surprisingly easy. Kinda liberating actually. I could just listen to what my body needed today (mostly hips and lower back) and focus on that. It inspired me a lot, honestly. I know what I'm doing. And I can always look up reference for more poses if I want to add them. I don't really need to be dependent on being guided with that, I have a good idea of what I'm looking for and honestly... I usually ended the session wanting to keep going. So now, I can just go as long as I like and just close it out whenever. I was unsure how things were going to end as recently as yesterday, but now I feel pretty confident in my ability to keep this habit going. I just need to get myself to the mat and light the incense and the rest will come together.

My mom wanted to follow up after our talk last night. I requested a conversation earlier in the day, so I wouldn't get caught in the middle when my dad is freaking out about getting home and eating food or whatever... that he has decided to be completely dependent on my mom for... for 40 years... for whatever reason... It was weird because last night my mom freaked out about "being caught in the middle" because I was on the phone with her and my dad was pressuring her and interrupting her call even though she was very obviously in a serious conversation and on the fucking phone. But he just... does what he wants. So, I kinda opened by saying... in a sense she absolutely is caught in the middle of two stressful forces... but I am caught in the middle of a marital dispute. And all that stress, all the blame, everything from that interaction gets dumped on me. And he gets whatever he wants. Beyond the "fairness" of that... it's just... super unhealthy. Like, I really don't deserve (at any age) to have my parents' marital problems dumped and blamed on me. And I just addressed that directly, but tried to be gentle with it. And I think it went over okay. There was no conflict in our 2 hour conversation today.

We ironed out a plan for furniture, I'm not going to go all-in on it, but it's good to hear positive thinking from her. She asked about Max, so I filled her in on the insanely complex web of bullshit that's been going down. After today, I am pretty much 100% certain she is just sick of this prescription diet and refusing to eat this shitty food anymore. She was circling my legs and loudly meowing and begging me for food when I was cooking tonight. A cat that "needs meds to stimulate hunger" doesn't fucking act like that. And if she's that ravenous that she's going to yell at me? She'd eat the food I gave her. I mean... last week, on wednesday, she ate the same exact food gladly. No problem at all. Even when it was dosed with joint supplements and a big dose of Gabapentin. Then she got the blood draw. Since then, she will barely eat more than one or two bites of the shit. Something. Fucking. Happened. I'm convinced of it. There's no other logical reason. Either it's a trauma thing and she has associated the food taste/smell with the effects of Gabapentin or the act of a blood draw, which might make sense... except... she's not eating the new bland GI prescription diet food either, and that's a very different taste. So... it's possible, but doesn't seem likely. Or... someone gave her treats, she was reminded of what real food tastes like... and now she's just basically on a hunger strike until she gets better food.

I'm really hoping I'm not reading into this, but for fuck's sake, I've already gotten her ultrasounds, xrays and blood work. She's not fucking sick. She had a little bit of an elevated temperature, that was it. The vets gave her GI diet food, an anti-nausea medication and a hunger stimulant. Those aren't remedies for an illness, those are to make her eat the damn food.

So here's the new twist to this clusterfuck, in case anyone actually gives a shit about this. It's kinda fucked up. So... I got a text this morning from the vet, they said that the distributer is sold out of the prescription food. Like everyone is sold out of this food. So... the only food my cat is supposed to eat... is not available anywhere on the internet, even for animal hospitals. And it's prescription only. Figure that shit out. Maybe because it's fucking $75 a case, and these fucking online warehouse companies are buying up every damn crate available to upcharge it, so even medical services can't get it. How fucked is that? So I called my vet back, got the woman who places the orders and started trying to explain the super complex nature of what's going on the simplest I can without losing people. I offered to look online to see if I can track it down (even though I can't fucking order it) and really tried to double underline for her that I don't know if my cat even needs to be on this diet anymore because the vet hasn't talked to me about her blood test results, which came in on fucking Saturday. The worst part? I know the results. I know her thyroid levels have leveled out. I've known since the day those results came in. I've know the test results pertaining to dietary restrictions for my cat who has been refusing to eat a full meal for going on 6 days now... for 4 entire days. And my vet does not. Figure that one out. She better be on vacation or something.

So... given that information... do I take it into my own hands and just say "she's done with the diet, her thyroxine leveled out, she's good now, we're going back to the chicken and fish diet." Do I risk sending her back into hyperthyroidism? Do I risk kidney problems? Just so she will eat a damn meal and not be miserable laying around sleeping all day, visibly exhausted? Or do I continue to wait for an indeterminate amount of time to hear back from my vet, while throwing entire cans of this food that I CAN'T GET MORE OF literally in the trash because my cat is refusing to eat it, even with the hunger stimulant med. Even with praise and celebration. Even after a 2 day hunger strike. Even when I leave it by the bed all night for 2 days. How long do I wait for this call back? How long do I let her starve?

I think at some point, I'm going to have to set a time. Like... if I don't hear back by... 6PM tomorrow, I'm going to mix some chicken into her food so that she'll eat it. I'll get some chicken broth and give her that or something. Like literally anything I can to make sure she's not starving, she's like... visibly losing weight. I think that's fair.

And when I finally get to talk to a vet person, whoever it might be, I'm getting a goddamn menu of thyroid friendly meals. I'm just going to cook for her if I have to. I can't put my cat's life on one fucking brand of one canned food that is literally sold out world-wide, that she is "not allowed" to eat anything other than. I just can't do it. I need options here. And I'm not getting options, I'm just getting, "Yeah, she should call you back soon. Yeah, we'll let her know. Yeah, I'll send a message along." It's a damn shame because I liked this vet, she was chill, but now I'm getting pretty... unhappy. Like... these test results have been sitting on her desk for 4 days, I brought my cat to urgent care directly related to those results, and I haven't even had anyone call to check in and follow up on how she's doing. At all. I have had to call back and check in with them. And I get a different person every time. UGH. It's just... I get if they're busy or whatever, just say that and schedule a time for me to talk to someone. Don't just tell me to kick fucking rocks. Don't just put me on hold for a fucking week.

Okay, that's out of my system for now. I finally stopped the rock tumbler. I'm pretty sure the problem with the tumble was the grit. Cheap grit from National Geographic. My last tumble was better, but still not like... the mirror shine it should be. I took them all out, cleaned the barrels a bit... (I need to clean them even more, it's such a bitch when you can't dump the water...) And got all the grit off that I could. They've lost a lot of mass, but there are still some good pieces in there. I took some of the softer ones out and polished them with the glass polish I have. It's not a perfect mirror shine, but it's pretty good. I have no idea how the quartz will take, but it's promising. I ordered some better quality grit for future and general use. And a string of multiple colored tigers eyes too, just... cuz. And then spent most of the night hand-polishing those samples while watching Twitch. And... here I am.

I don't know what else to say about that. This vet thing is just... fucked up. 4 days ago they were treating it like my cat was gonna die and I need to go to urgent care asap. Now, I couldn't pay them to just review her blood levels and advise me on what to do about a diet they put my cat on over a month ago that they know for a fact is OUT OF STOCK. Kinda getting mixed messages, tbh. Like... do they expect me to just let my cat starve? I'm certain this starvation is not good for her organs. I do not like sitting here powerless and watching her suffer, it really upsets me. So yeah, I think that plan I came up with earlier is a good compromise. If I don't hear from them by 6PM tomorrow, I guess I break my cat's diet and risk sending her thyroid levels out of balance. Because at least one nurse already did that, so... fuck it. I can't just let her starve.

I'm getting really upset. But there's nothing I can do about this now. I need to just rest for now and take it up with the vets tomorrow. Wish me luck.

#diary #journal #online journal #stream of consciousness #stream of thoughts

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maizeyamess · 2 years

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This is the vacuum we bought as newlyweds in 2008 for $50. I took a picture of it to jokingly use as an announcement for my divorce with some comment about how this tiny vacuum lasted longer than my marriage. I never did though. Recently this vacuum had one of the wheels break off. It's still kind of usable but it's probably time to retire it. I found the timing of this somewhat poetic because it's also been very recently that I personally have felt less broken.

I have never been a fan of myself. I've struggled with low self esteem for as long as I can remember. My confidence fluctuated depending on who I was around. Looking back, I got married at the lowest I had felt about myself up to that point. I stayed in an unhealthy relationship that seemed to validate every thought I had of not being enough. After I had my daughter I started medication for post-partum depression and then I never stopped it. I started therapy to help with my depression but at some point it turned into trying to learn how to be happy in a marriage that I wouldn't leave.

Then I started nursing school and all of my insecurities amplified with the stress. My social anxiety that I hadn't realized that I had, went through the roof. I couldn't connect with people which felt foreign because it used to come so easy for me. I felt awkward and uncomfortable and like I didn't belong. I was good at the school part of nursing but my personality no longer fit the job description. While in nursing school my then husband told me he wanted a divorce. If he wanted to leave after all I did for him and our family then I truly wasn't worth anything. My anxiety and depression got worse. I was in survival mode.

I got through school and started my first nursing job. I was so excited. I was going to be doing something new that challenged me. I was going to be in an environment where no body knew my drama and I could be whoever I wanted to be. Turns out, I was still in survival mode. I was still dealing with an unfinalized divorce and custody crap. I tried really hard to be the nurse that I wanted to be and it just wasn't working for me. I still had a hard time connecting with people, especially my coworkers and parents of my patients. I learned how to do what I needed to do, and nothing more.

As I started to come out of survival mode brain fog. I realized how much I had missed out on. It felt like I forgot everything from school. I felt like there was so much that I didn't know that I should know at work. I constantly felt inadequate and embarrassed in multiple areas of my life. My family and friends tried to tell me that I was a good nurse because I was a good medical assistant, or because I'm good with people, I pay attention to detail, I like learning, etc. Their words were of no comfort because I no longer felt like I was any of those things. I was a different person. I had a different personality. I wasn't who they thought I was and it hurt that they wouldn't just let me be whoever this new person was.

One day, I finally asked for what I needed. I asked that they just give me space to be. I needed to not be a good nurse. I needed space to just feel what I wanted to feel without anyone trying to convince me that I was something else. I just needed to be accepted for who I was and where I was at. That was a turning point for me. In asking my family for acceptance I gave myself the opportunity to ask it of myself.

I have learned that it's okay to be a different person. Experiences change us, but we don't have to start from scratch all over again. I still love people and I would love to be able to connect with people like I used to, but that's not who I am right now. I can be smart and still have a lot to learn. I can still like to learn and I can also be scared of new situations.

I've been consistently going to therapy for over three years. It's been a battle. I have to process things over and over again. It's really annoying to think that you've worked on something and you've moved on, only to have it resurface when you're talking about something that has nothing to do with the first thing. That's also what I love about therapy. I don't think healing is linear. I've had to come at it from a lot of different angles and I know that I'm no where near done.

I frequently get discouraged that I'm not making any progress in my healing journey. I would say, " I feel like I'm back where I started." My therapist had me write a list of who I wanted to be, character traits, and habits. Then I had a journal to write down every miniscule thing I did in the day that got me closer to who I wanted to be. At first I felt so dumb that I had to break things down so small but it became motivating. I would feel stressed about something and I could turn that into, what can I do right now that I'll be able to write in my journal?

I recently was reading Atomic Habits and the author used the analogy that you can be in a 25 degree room, looking at an ice cube when the temperature increases by one degree and nothing happens. Increase by another degree, still no change. Then seemingly all of a sudden when the temperature changes from 31 to 32 degrees the ice starts to melt. I feel like my ice has started to melt.

I told my sister the other day that I feel like a switch has been flipped. Now I realize that it's been happening one degree at a time. Suddenly I'm enjoying work more. I'm talking to more people. I'm feeling more confident. I don't feel as awkward. I'm excited to learn new things. I can say with 100% honesty that I don't hate myself. I can take a selfie and not immediately delete it. I can look in the mirror and my first thought is no longer a list of everything I want to change. I still delete some selfies. I still have insecure moments at work. I still replay social interactions in my head. But I'm learning to question my thoughts.

I'm having a bit of an identity crisis, in a good way. I have started to feel happy which feels wrong because "I am a depressed person". I am anxious about not being so anxious. I'm worried that people will think I'm weird because I'm not acting like I usually do (aka super shy and/or awkward). It's all backward and I know that. I know that depression is cyclical and I won't always be this happy or optimistic. I also know that depression will hit differently because I am different.

I started writing this because I had a break through in my healing journey and now it seems like an afterthought but it was a victory for me, so here it is. The other day my daughter was really hurting and struggling with the life that is divorced parents. She asked me if I could change one thing in her past so that she didn't have to hurt so much, what would it be? I knew she wanted me to say that I wouldn't have gotten divorced, but I couldn't. I wrestled with how to respond because I can see so clearly how our experiences shape us. It's not ideal in anyway but I needed this journey and it would never have happened had I stayed in my marriage. So, the time has come that I can retire my vacuum, my ideas that staying married would have been better, and a whole lot of other misguided thoughts.

I'm happy that my daughter will have the best version of myself as her mother. She doesn't understand it now, but one day she will and I'm grateful for that.

#divorce #therapy #mental health #healing #self compassion #healingjourney

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local-starry-catboi · 3 years

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Right or Wrong Challenge

Introduction

I had stumbled upon this challenge after seeing it pinned at the top of the One Piece Amino featured page back in April 2019. It was the first challenge I entered after actually becoming active. I decided to polish this blog a little (aka match the formatting to Tumblr, hope I don't fuck up-), to post it here as well •^•

Decided to pick the imagine-yourself-as-marine-so-which-justice-do-you-follow-for-reasons question the leaders of this challenge set up. On the one hand because it seemed interested, on the other hand because it looked like it might be one of the easier questions to answer for my 🍞 brain. After typing out everything though, I can say that it's actually tougher than it looked like at the first glance to be honest. Especially not deciding what justice and why..

The challenge question set up was

"If you were a marine, whose justice would you follow and why? Or do you have your own sense of justice? If so, explain."

Definition(s) of Justice

Many people define justice by other things, like how they know it, how they feel about it, if it's important or not, what makes a decision just or unjust.

That leads us to a spot where there are a few points to consider. So first off, it makes sense to start by breaking up the meaning of justice using three methods.

First option:

"Justice [noun], coming from the Latin word 'justitia'; refers to just behaviour or treatment, the quality of being fair and reasonable as well as the administration of the law or authority in maintaining this." - Oxford Dictionary.

Second option:

"Justice, at it's base, means 'to be just, fair'. Most commonly however, the meaning of justice is to punish a criminal that has done something wrong in a suitable manner that fits their crime." - One Piece.

Third option:

"[...] Justice will prevail, you say? But of course it will! Whoever wins this war becomes justice!" - Doflamingo during the Paramount War.

So far:

Firstly, to sum up: In the end, the first two definitions go hand-in-hand with each other. The definitions of justice are in some thing close to each other and in some things they are far apart from each other. On the whole this means that even though they both use different words, are the same in the end of the day.

Secondly, hence the Marine is actually the "good" fraction in One Piece whereas the pirates are the actual antagonists, they have to shoulder and act out their role as eyes and sword of the law, judging over those who were unjust towards the law due to criminal activities.

Thirdly, the way Doffy looks at justice is also interesting though, hence he points at the fact that those with the great power usually decide what justice is. This way the stronger fraction also decides what is right and what is wrong. I wanted to put him into this as well because his viewpoint is interesting, too, even though he's not a Marine.

But now let's get back to the topic, shall we~?

Lastly: Moreover, every single one of the forms of justice has its right and a good reason to exist. Why you ask? Because not every living being thinks the same way like another. Even animals seem to possess another sense of righteousness and justice as humans - in addition, they differ from animal to animal as well. The effect of this is that Kuzan's statement he gave to Jaguar D. Sauro back then, that "The thing called 'justice' changes its shape... Depending on where you stand." is true, too. As a result, every form of justice is true - only depending on from which side you look at it.

Despite this freedom of opinion like with this topic, the Marines' general way of justice can be looked at as some sort of 'ridding the world from everything evil existing there".

Types of Justice

Since there are multiple types of justice given in the world of One Piece, lead by the Admirals, the CP9 and other Marines, I'll explain each of them.

Akainu's Absolute Justice:

His motto regarding the Absolute Justice is the "Thorough Justice". He seems to stick to this doctrine as close as possible, yet seemingly does not to mind going against it on the other side, judging by how he reacts to Coby, deserters, pirates and the likens. If Sakazuki comes up with any issues regarding illegal activities, I believe it's better to rethink these choices and to put in at least a bit of benevolence. It's an efficient option to differenciate well between those who can be taken down without major consequences or remorses and those who can "stay".

Lucci's Dark Justice:

Supposedly the CP0's kitty cat can be compared to Batman - to a certain degree at least. He bases his sense of justice on his own personal philosophy of "Neccessary Evil". Thus, he only destroys those who go against the interests of the World Government to defend them ( = the interests). For this, he himself becomes evil to support his ideals. Besides the fact, that he doesn't seem to care much about it, possibly comes from the WG deciding what justice is for him and the other CP agents. Thus, this results in him having his reasons for choosing this type of justice.

Aokiji's Lazy Justice:

The Lazy Justice (before it was the Burning or Fired Up Justice) is the rather laid-back opposite of the Thorough Justice in my eyes. It underlines his lack of interest and relaxed attitude towards many things as long as he doesn't think about a situation worthy enough for him to intervene. This is part of Moral Justice, thus acting according to it when it's needed. It shows well how he doesn't care about much that happens around him besides the complexity of his character. The Lazy Justice could be a sign to point out that it doesn't always need a ruthless man leading the sword of justice, but can also take a more relaxed but equally capable.

Fujitora's Blind Justice:

Besides the Moral or Virtuous Justice type of motto Isshō follows, he sticks to his own ideals instead of the Marine's Absolute Justice doctrine. He acts according to what he thinks to be morally fine like bringing those to justice who act without moral or anything. All this is underlined by the fact that he took his own eyesight to never see the unjustice of corruption done otherwise. This way Fujitora goes as far as taking responsibilites onto himself which other members of the Marine wouldn't have had to take otherwise if they were in his shoes.

Kizaru's Unclear Justice:

As its name states and how he possess a neutral attitude towards the Absolute Justice, it's somewhat unclear, how to define his type of justice. Except for the fact that it's mercy what he lacks, he doesn't really show a lot of passion or anything to pursue justice most of the time, however. If things restrain him from achieving his goal he only gets slightly annoyed and that's it, unlike Sakazuki for example.

Smokers' Eat Shit Justice:

He follows his own path of justice, unlike the majority of his colleagues do. Out of most of the Marine, he appears to be the most "normal" out of the bunch. Smoker seems to act on some sort of "be nice to me or I'll kill you" codex, like it was shown back during the Alabasta Arc for example. His Eat Shit Justice may be one of the more humane types of justice. After all though you shouldn't get on his bad side then or it surely will be over as soon as it is like with the other types of justice.

Conclusion Time

Now, to the interesting part. Whose justice would I and why?

That's actually a really tough decision. I had to think a lot between three types of justice, yet all of the ones mentioned above have their pros and cons. Eat shit, Lazy and Blind were the ones I couldn't choose between first.

But behold.. In the end I came to my current point: By a high chance I would follow Smoker's ideals of justice - as long as I understood and interpreted it correctly and not completely wrong, of course.

Why I chose his one over the others, you want to know?

The answer is simple. It's partially a thing of good education, I suppose. My landlords (called ✨ parents ✨ by some others) always said I have to be nice to others unless they become rude, there's the point then to just go out of their way. Just a typical thing every little kid hears, one day after another, so nothing special. Over the last few years however (to be exactly back when I came into 5th grade, middle school), I kind of accustomed myself to not always just take diverse comments, rude behaviour and all the likens because not all of the other students of my year were nice. Since then I decided to not take shit from most others who are constantly rude and toxic, especially for no reason. That's the reason why I follow the motto of "Be nice to me and I'm nice to you. Be, constantly, a bitch to me and I'll bitch back so eat shit, you idjit.".

Outroduction

Yee, so that was the blog •3• I surprisingly won with it, although it was the first one I had ever written, I've linked the original post from OPA. Looking back now, it sort of feels like a very lame, plain and boring character analysis and by now, I'd put far more effort into it.

Credits

Treasure Cruise renders on the dividers by KaizokuJotei on DeviantArt, and edited in PicsArt.

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dia-is-dia-ing · 3 years

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30 Day Challenge: Days 1-9

I just finished Day 18 and I'm bored lol so I'm gonna answer up to that point then go day by day after that 😊

Day 1: My hw was 161 lb (Jan 2020) but I got to 138 healthily by Sept 2020. But then I was stuck on 138 lb until I started heavily restricting on July 7th, 2021.

Day 2: I'm 5'3 and ya it's pretty average I guess. I don't mind it.

Day 3: My favorite th1nspo rn:

Abs:

Slimmer legs & a thigh gap:

Tiny waist, small arms & overall ⏳ figure:

Slender neck, pronounced collar bones & a defined jawline:

Day 4: I'm really scared about hair loss. I feel like it's happening already tbh 😕

Day 5: I've always felt uncomfortable around people beacuse of my weight (and therefore I knew they were uncomfortable beacuse they could sense I was uncomfortable). I would always compose myself in a way that didn't stand out and never actually built any meaningful relationships/friendships after high school (which is when I surpassed the 120 lb range). So ya, I'm doing it for myself, so that I can become more comfortable in my own skin and actually be able to show my real personality to people and be comfortable forming closer relationships with them.

Day 6: Since relapsing this month, I've binged 4/18 days 😒. It sucks but it makes sense that your mind and body will have a few uncontrollable food cravings when you're restricting. For me, a binge is when I go above my cal limit for the day by 400 cal+ because that becomes an amount I can't work off easily (either through exercise or cutting out a few more cals for the next couple of days).

Day 7: Ya, so when I came back home from uni to live with my parents for the pandemic (Jan 2020), I was around 161 lb. I successfully got down to 138 lb by Sept 2020 through a calorie deficit and exercising almost every day (I took up biking 6.8 km/day through my local parks and I ended up falling in love with it). My mom was definitely happy about my weightloss lol.

But from Sept 2020-June 2021, I stayed at 138 lb. I was avoiding tracking calories at that point cuz I knew I would get obsessed-plus I was kinda too lazy too. And then one day (July 6, 2021), I binged like crazy after having my dad's bday party leftovers. So on July 7th I said fuck it and reinstalled tumblr and made an account and decided I was going to restrict and track my cals and progress. Then I successfully lost 6 pounds in 7 days and I haven't looked back since! (I'm currently 131.6 lb so the progress did slow down a lot haha!)

My mom is now saying that I don't need to lose anymore weight (but I'd have to disagree loll).

Day 8: I actually loved all kinds of exercise (back when I was eating enough to maintain a high enough energy level to do so). But right now I either bike outside or run on the treadmill since those things are easy to track.

Day 9: my first memory of being insecure is when my mom said I shouldn't wear my green shorts to my friend's pool party when I was in grade 5/6. I asked her, "why not, [friend's name] wears shorts and it's a pool party!". My mom replied, "well, because she's skinnier than you".

And she continues to make unprovoked statements about how I look from time to time even now 🙃.

And we also have these family friend parties and one of my mom's friends ALWAYS comments on my weight. I guess to be fair, my weight does fluctuate quite a bit depending on how focused I am on school vs. my ed.

#30 day challenge #mypost

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crimsonrae · 3 years

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Disintegration

Chapter Two

Summary: He witnessed the worst night of her life, he just never expected for her to become the love of his life.

KlausxCami

Warnings: Mentions of Domestic Abuse.

Rating: Mature

Chapter Two

2009

Amber liquid sat almost tauntingly within its iced tumbler as Camille stared aimlessly at the wall. Low chattering echoed dimly in her ears, but she registered little of the subdued crowd. She felt angry... no, she felt numb. Like a spindly serpent lying in wait for its prey, her anger lurked beneath the surface – its coil hardly tolerable.

Her fingers clenched around her glass, silently reveling in the wet dew that had coalesced on its exterior. It anchored her to the present even as she drifted in her scattered thoughts. Small bursts of Saturday played in her head, stuck like a broken reel. It was both a blur and all too clear. She could still feel the slick feel of Scott's blood on her hands, even as quips of conversation broke her reverie. Hours spent in the county jail had been nothing compared to the cold words from her mother and the stony silence that had followed her back to her dorm.

It had all become too much. She needed to get out.

It had occurred to her there was a certain amount of irony that she had taken refuge inside a bar. Not the one that she had beaten Scott to a pulp in – she was firmly banned from that establishment, but one across town. Away from campus and anyone who knew her. Camille tried not to pay too much mind to the fact that she was employing less than stellar coping mechanisms over the mess she had made of her life, but really, she was already on a roll of bad decisions. Why stop now?

Still...it was amazing how quickly everything had spiraled out of control.

One minute she had been a junior, set to finish her bachelor's degree with honors in the next year – now, with a court date set for next week and a meeting with the Dean's office tomorrow, it looked as if expulsion was on the horizon. And somehow that was at the bottom of her priority list. Felony assault and battery charges hovered over her head like an impending noose, not to mention, two parents infuriated with their daughter and the shame she had brought her family. She hardly cared that Scott was breathing from a tube in a hospital, she did care that Marnie hadn't called her.

Had she lost a friend as well as her academic career? She hadn't foreseen that... though, in truth, she hadn't put much thought into her actions. She had simply reacted and that – that wasn't like her.

"Penny for your thoughts, love."

Camille nearly jolted at the honey grizzled voice that chimed next to her table. She glanced up into a pair of oddly familiar cerulean eyes that shined curiously at her. It took her a moment to place him, and it was only as his lips curled into a self-satisfied smirk that she remembered.

He had been there.

Entertained by the entire debacle.

Now, that's what I call a show.

Her hidden ire rumbled in the face of her spectator. How she had hated his delight. It annoyed her that he had found her now when she wanted nothing more than to be left alone.

Pursing her lips distastefully, she arched a brow, "They're not for sale."

Her irritation was not lost on Klaus, if anything her dismissal amused him, "Come now, that's not true. Anything is for sale; it all depends on the price."'

"Well unless you have a time machine, I don't think you'll be able to afford my thoughts." Camille muttered wearily as she sipped from her glass. She pointedly turned her gaze away, making it silently clear she was done with him.

Yet, Klaus had never been one to let a challenge go untested. He found himself slipping into the chair across from her, much to Camille's exasperation, "Now why would you want a time machine? Please tell me, it's not to go back and stop yourself from beating that pillock from the other night half to death. Such passion should never be undone or regretted."

Camille arched a brow, nonplused by his words, "Not everyone views such acts of violence with the same enjoyment as you did... I don't believe that I invited you to sit. I'm not particularly in the mood for company."

"Yes, you've been quite rude." Klaus intoned almost cheerfully as he signaled for a waiter – now he was making it silently clear that he had no intention to leave, "That's alright, I don't mind a bit of surliness. I've been known to be a rather temperamental creature myself... but let's be honest here, love, while I may have enjoyed your spirited attack, you enjoyed committing it more."

She hated the truth that rang in his words. Stifling a sigh, Cami tossed back the rest of her drink and dropped a few bills on the table. She came here to get away, not to be harassed.

She wasn't granted the chance to stand as his fingers entrapped her wrist, "Let me go."

"Stay." Klaus implored, loosening his grip, but not removing his touch, "I won't speak of your little... incident if you do not wish it. I have several hours to kill, and you are by the far the most interesting person I've run into today. Please, keep me company."

Despite her desire to depart, her curiosity glimmered faintly at his words, "Is that why you seemingly tracked me down? Boredom?"

"Hardly tracked you down, love." Klaus said after placing an order for two more drinks with the waiter. "You're in the pub of my hotel. Merely, came downstairs and saw you."

Camille blinked before she sat back and viewed the bar through new eyes. There was an entranceway toward the back that she now realized led into a lobby. Marble floors and polished banisters gleamed through the glass door. It fairly screamed expensive. It also explained the quietness of a bar... the stillness that had drawn her inside.

Klaus watched her perusal with muted amusement, "You have no idea where you are. Not that you're in a bad neighborhood, mind you, but it is foolish to not have your bearings about you."

Camille silently stifled her unease as again his words rang true. A sense of danger lurked with his presence that she was only beginning to acknowledge, but something kept her survival instincts from fully sounding off.

"I wasn't really..." She trailed off as she realized her words would only reinforce his point about being foolish.

He knew it too.

His head tilted to the side and his eyes softened with an understanding that she swore he shouldn't have. It was similar to the way he had looked at her as she had been carted off by the police... Cami didn't understand why it had seemed to soothe and irritate her then, and she still didn't understand it now.

"Running away, were you?" Klaus intoned sagely, "I know a fair bit about that, but you don't strike me as the type to run from a situation. What demons plague you, aside from the obvious?"

Cami snorted and wondered if this counted as talking about her incident, but found herself replying, "Demons is a bit harsh... and why would I tell you, Nosey Stranger, anything about my demons?"

Klaus grinned and was stalled from answering as their drinks arrived, "Well conversation is easier when at least one party opens up, no? And you can call me Klaus. Niklaus Mikaelson."

"Cami." She returned softly, "Why don't we focus on you, instead? What brings you to my little corner of the word, Klaus?"

"I am not nearly that interesting."

"I somehow doubt that."

"Doubt all you like, but I could say the same of you."

"Could you?" Cami said almost teasingly as a smirk tugged at her lips.

Klaus huffed a low laugh as he conceded, "Well, I could if you told me about yourself."

They were flirting, Cami noted distantly as they exchanged not-quite-shy smiles again. Her head spun – how had this happened? She had been thoroughly annoyed with this man not even ten seconds ago. And while some of that sentiment still lurked, she now could only think about how handsome he looked when he smiled... actually smiled, not smirked.

One thing was for certain, she wasn't feeling quite so numb anymore... and she wasn't sure that was necessarily a good thing. Despite how handsome the man before her was or how charming he was turning out to be, she had the distinct impression that she was a match strike away from playing with fire.

"How about a question for a question?" She proposed almost absently and nearly cursed as soon as the words left her tongue.

Klaus considered her offer with shrewd eyes, "Any question?"

A reluctant sigh left Cami, "Let me guess, you have a question about Saturday night?"

"A few." Klaus acknowledged with a sly quirk to his lips, "But mainly one pressing one."

She shook her head and dragged the untouched drink he had bought her to her side. If they were going to play this game she would need the alcohol, "Fine. Ask."

"What did he do?" Klaus asked quietly as she hesitated, her glance almost suspicious – he explained, "In two minutes of conversation, I've ascertained that you are not a rash person. A bit foolhardy perhaps, but you've been moderately cautious since I've engaged your interest. You also don't strike me as the type to attack someone without reason. So, what was your reason? What did he do?"

There was a long silence as Camille gauged what she wanted to impart. Several glib answers rested on her tongue, non-answers that would dismiss his question and move their conversation on, but the truth burned in her throat. It would be nice to tell someone who didn't know her, who didn't know Scott or Marnie, who wasn't there to judge her actions as just or fair what her motivation had been...

"I have a roommate. We've roomed together the last three years – and she's great. Sweet, shy. I couldn't have picked a better roommate... or friend." Camille started quietly. She ignored the lick of angry flames that sparked in her belly, "She met him a few months ago and they hit it off immediately. I liked him. He was funny and he brought her out of her shell."

A wave of nausea swarmed her simmering fury and she paused as she remembered the carefree way Scott would greet her. The little presents that he would bring for Marnie. Those gifts seemed so more insidious now that she realized those parcels showed up after every incident.

Klaus waited patiently, somehow knowing not to speak as she sought the proper words. Her jade eyes had deepened to a sparking emerald, imbued with dark emotion.

"Then one day she came back to our room. Her shirt was covered in blood, a plaster taped over her nose, and two black eyes. He had hit her. Only once she said. It was an accident she said, but he broke her nose." Camille swallowed and resisted the urge to ball her fist, "She refused to go to the RA or the Dean or any other official and just waved me off. It wouldn't happen again, and I knew that was bullshit. I knew..."

The shiver of rage in her tone struck a chord within Klaus as he watched her. Any hint of his earlier joviality and curiosity had vanished in the face of her anguish. His own anger growled in answer to hers – he had never been one to shy away from violence, but brutish nonsensical abuse had always been and always would be a sore point for him.

"How many times?" The question slipped out before he could stop it.

If Camille had been paying closer attention, she would have noticed the almost eerie calm that had leveled his voice. Instead, she shook her head, "Too many."

Another sip from her glass, "He sent her to the hospital Friday night. Two broken ribs and a concussion. I had been with her all night, and I just couldn't go back to our dorm, so I wandered. I wandered and before I knew it, I was inside the campus bar and there he was... Scamming on a freshman. Both of them laughing at some stupid funny joke he had said, as if it were just another Saturday. As if he hadn't just pulverized his girlfriend and left her to rot in a hospital as if he hadn't been getting away with much of the same for months. I was so incredibly angry and all I wanted was to make him stop."

Warm skin brushed across hers and she glanced down to see he had cradled her hand. She was trembling. It was so faint, but the box that she had been stowing all her wildly out of control emotion into had been pried open with his question.

His fingers curled into her palm like an anchor into the seabed and she smiled bitterly, "Still think you received a good show?"

It took Klaus a second to remember his words from that night, but he didn't scowl.

No.

His smile was tinged with undue pride and awe, "I think you just made it even better. I had initially thought you to be some hellcat. Sent into a jealous rage at capturing your boyfriend cheating. The truth is far more satisfying. You're a protector. If anything, I stand by my earlier sentiment. Do not regret your actions, Camille."

She blinked at hearing her full name cross his lips, most assumed her name was Cameron when she introduced herself as Cami, "My name, how...?"

Klaus smirked, "Camille O'Connell, you are under arrest."

His voice was flat with an American intonation, but what part of America she was unsure as his little gimmick threw her from her despair into a baffled disquiet.

Slowly she cringed, "Okay, one – don't ever do that accent again. Just... no. Two – no one calls me, Camille, unless I'm in trouble. It's a grandma's name."

Klaus bit back a laugh as he pressed with his fake accent again, "What? You mean this voice? I think it's uh, rather convincing."

Camille shivered; it was almost like nails on a chalkboard when he spoke like that, but the tension her little story had engendered dissipated, and she felt a coil within her loosen.

She couldn't stop her snicker as she begged, "Stop, please. It's just not right. It doesn't fit you at all. Smarmy Brit is much more your style."

"Smarmy Brit?" Klause threw back almost indignantly, "You wound me, Camille."

"Somehow I think that's hard to do." She countered sagely, but she couldn't keep a grin from her mien. She appreciated his levity.

Klaus arched a brow, "You'd be surprised. Sometimes it doesn't take much at all to wound me."

"Oh?"

"A beautiful woman maligning my character five minutes after meeting me. Stings a bit, love." He answered indulgently, but there was a mischievous glint in his gaze that belied his words.

Cami giggled quietly, "You don't think you're smarmy?"

"I prefer the word charming." The faux innocent look he flashed her had them both grinning, "And I believe it is your turn to ask a question."

There were several that had erupted in her thoughts as they had spoken, but it was hard to choose just one. Part of Cami was grateful that he had lobbed such a hardball as a first question because it gave her clearance to do the same.

"What are you running away from? You said you had some experience with it earlier." Cami finally asked, figuring it would also answer the question of what he was doing here. Two answers for the price of one.

Like with Cami, Klaus sat in a long silence as he thought over his answer. Now he was the one who wished he had placed restrictions on these questions, but unlike Camille, he had no compunctions about lying. After all, they were still strangers, and he was still debating whether to continue their acquaintanceship after they parted ways. He had half a mind to seduce her, drink her, and dump her... but the more time he spent with her the less he wanted to dump her – at least right away. Camille was proving to be very intriguing indeed.

"Family. I'm running from family." Klaus announced, surprising even himself with the truth, "More specifically my father... though my brother is currently a close second."

Camille frowned, not liking the shine of pain in his eyes before he shifted to something more blank, more superficial. Perhaps her question wasn't the gem she had originally thought it to be.

At her muted concern, Klaus smiled bitterly, "My father has no love for me. Even less after it was discovered I was a product of my mother's infidelity. He's been bent on making my life a misery for as long as I can remember. The more distance I can put between him and myself the better."

"And your brother?" Cami pressed almost reluctantly, at once curious and hesitant about requesting such personal information.

"Has a great love for me actually and I, him. But I've... upset him and he needs some time to calm down." It was the most tactful way that Klaus could think to say Elijah was furious with him for daggering their siblings and supposedly dumping their bodies into the ocean. While the first part was true, the second was not... and he was not prepared for his older brother to discover that fact just yet.

An odd mildly entertained expression crossed Camille's face as she puzzled over his words. More questions surged to the forefront, but with great control, she managed to restrain herself... at least for the moment.

Klaus seemed to sense her desire as he cocked his head to the side and grinned, or she was simply terrible at hiding her thoughts, "You want more details."

Almost embarrassingly, she sipped from her glass as she fought a sheepish smile, "I really do."

"And you called me nosey? Sorry, love, you're just going to have to wait." He taunted lightly as she scowled at him.

He was saved from her retort as her phone chose that moment to sound off. Her previous merriment dulled in the face of the device's alarm and fell further as she glanced at the screen. Klaus watched as she reluctantly clicked the phone silent after responding with a text and turned remorseful eyes to him. This would be their parting it seemed.

"Such a dour glance. My last question then, who's beckoning you?" Klaus asked gently, an unexpected jolt of jealousy scoured his veins at her answer.

"My boyfriend." She quirked her lips self-consciously. She had no obligation to inform him of her relationship status and their conversation while personal, had always meant to stay a conversation... at least on her end. Yet, she felt a strange sense of guilt – she felt like she had led him on, "I should be going. It was nice to meet you, Klaus... and thank you for the drink."

Klaus tightened his grip over her hand, both had forgotten he had still been holding it, but now it worked in his favor. He wasn't ready for their conversation to end, "Stay, Camille. By the look on your face, it's what you would rather be doing."

Timidly, she squeezed his hand back, but her rueful smile told him that he was fighting a losing battle. He was tempted to compel her... but somehow that felt like the wrong move for this particular moment.

"He's worried about me. Everyone's worried about me. Or angry. This was a nice reprieve. One I really needed, but I have to go before that worry goes to def-con four." She said almost deprecatingly and moved to stand.

Cami was surprised when he stood with her until she felt him slip her phone from her other hand. A word of protest played on her lips at the theft, but she stayed her tongue as she watched him deftly enter his phone number. It was slightly embarrassing that he had caught her passcode pattern so easily. He must have the eyes of a hawk. He hit the call button and his phone vibrated in his pocket for a moment before going silent again.

Klaus returned her phone with a genial smile, "There. Should you need another reprieve, simply call. I'll be in town for a while and more than happy to indulge you."

"That was bold." She murmured, "Giving your number to a girl who just told you, she has a boyfriend."

He shrugged indifferently, "Fortune favors the bold, does it not?"

Cami snorted and shook her head, "Goodbye, Klaus."

"Goodbye, Camille." Klaus murmured, brushing his lips to her cheek.

The act startled her and brought a lovely blush to her smooth skin. He had no intention of this being their last encounter. Camille O'Connell would see him again. His cerulean eyes danced deviously as he watched her turn to go.

She glanced at him over her shoulder, and he was surprised to see a puckish light in her sylvan gaze, "Definitely smarmy."

Klaus choked on an unexpected laugh before he found himself calling through the pub, "Charming, love."

______________________

Hours later, Klaus remained at the little corner table in the pub. He had steadily nursed several drinks as he kept an eye out for a potential dinner – finding himself feeling pickier than usual about his fare. He was tempted to send Camille a text. She had been reluctant enough to leave that enticing her to return shouldn't have been much of a battle. He regretted not pressing his advantage earlier. They could have spent the afternoon in his bed, sated in every possible way.

Sighing in boredom, he ran an idle finger around the rim of his tumbler generating a low hum. His thoughtless gesture brought a few curious and annoyed looks from the nearby patrons, but no one had the gall to say anything. Something dark and angry lingered in Klaus's stiff presence that discouraged social interaction of any kind.

"Well, you look positively morose."

And yet not all were so cowardly.

Klaus smirked at the amused lilt that sounded behind him. He arched a brow as he awarded the young woman behind him a small smile, "Greta... you've arrived sooner than I expected. Fruitful day, love?"

"Yes and no." Greta answered loftily as she came to stand next to the table, "The witch we're looking for is proving rather difficult to scrounge up, though her boyfriend has been the source of a lot of gossip but..."

"But?" Klaus intoned softly, a dangerous edge tinging his voice. His mood for games had dissipated with the sun.

"He's in the hospital. Unconscious, someone caved his head in apparently. He would need some of your blood to be revived enough to get any information from him." She smirked, knowing how much Klaus loved to do such things, "That is if you're feeling generous."

Niklaus frowned; it would be too convenient... "What's the boyfriend's name?"

"Scott Nebroski." Greta answered simply with a raised brow.

The name had no meaning to Klaus. Camille hadn't mentioned any names when she had recounted her motives to him – and he didn't recall a name being spoken when the paramedics had arrived at the campus pub. Though to be fair, he had lost interest in the whole affair once Camille had been taken to the squad car.

Her fiery emeralds would forever be etched into his memory. There had been a moment where he had thought that she'd break from the officer's grasp and swing at him before something fragile... vulnerable had crossed her gaze and he had to fight the urge to go to her.

It had been an odd night.

"When was he attacked?"

Greta shrugged, "A couple of nights ago, I think. Some chick took a beer bottle to him. A lover's quarrel is the rumor. In which case, it should make him more willing to cooperate with us. He'd probably be looking for a little revenge."

A slow grin spread across Klaus's face – what were the odds?

"It wasn't our little witch who tore into him, love." Klaus murmured, "How long would we need to wait before you could conduct the ceremony?"

"The estival solstice isn't for almost eight weeks, that's when the spell will be at its strongest. We have some time." Greta replied softly as she watched the wheels spin in her master's head. She hadn't expected him to take the news of this current delay so well... but the calm, almost pleased smile playing at his lips spoke to plans with which she had no knowledge of, "The boyfriend?"

"He can enjoy his stay in the hospital for a while." Klaus said after a long moment. He refused to heal the cretin that had rightfully earned his beating at Camille's hands. He would not deny her victory, "Tomorrow I want you and Maddox to find out everything you can about Camille O'Connell. She's Marnie Taylor's roommate and friend... she'll lead us to our little witch."

Gently, Klaus reached out for Greta's hand, bringing her delicate fingers to his mouth as he pressed a kiss to her smooth flesh. He was feeling a tad grateful for the news she had delivered him, and she smelled sweet, like honeysuckle and ivy. His fangs edged at the inner muscle of his cheek, reinforcing his hunger... but he wouldn't bite her here.

Klaus stood and placed a few bills on the table, "Keep me company tonight."

It sounded like a request, but Greta heard the implied order to his tone. She could say no, and Klaus wouldn't bat an eye. She was under no illusion that she was more than a tool in his arsenal. Problem was, she had never been able to say no to him. Not to his power, not to his hunger, and not to his bed. She fully enjoyed being possessed by him. It was the shame that she could not possess him.

She peered slyly at him, "Merely company?"

An indulgent hum purred from Klaus's throat before he pressed his lips teasingly to the corner of her mouth, "You could never be merely anything, love... but I desire this luscious mouth of yours to be otherwise occupied."

Greta's smile turned sinful, "As you wish."

He breathed a kiss to her neck before turning to escort her upstairs. His soul ached for a taste of the hunt... something that Greta could not provide him – she was all too willing to fall into his clutches. She was decadence, chocolate, and champagne. Simply divine.

For tonight she would sate his baser urges, but tomorrow...

Tomorrow he would go after that which was not yet his. Fiery emeralds glinted in his mind's eye. Tomorrow, he would go after whiskey and smoke. Hidden passion.

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#disintegration #klaus mikaelson #Camille O'Connell #klaus x camille #the orginals fanfiction #the originals #fanifc #fanfiction #klamille

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sorrowsz · 3 years

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30 Day Thinspo Challenge

I'm just gonna get this over with in one post lmao

Day 1: Your stats

My cw is 120 lbs which I think is the highest it's ever been? I don't get to weigh myself often lol

Day 2: How tall are you, do you like your height?

I'm like 5'5 or 5'6 so pretty average. I'm ok with it but I kinda wish I was taller lol

Day 3: A picture of your thinspo. What features do you like about this person?

Jack is goals tbh I mean just look at those arms. perfect

Day 4: Your greatest fears about weight loss

I'm kinda worried what happens after I get to my gw, like it's not too far away but I'm not just gonna go back to eating regularly when I get to it? Idk

Day 5: Why do you want to lose weight? Are you doing it for you?

I just want skinny legs tbh. I am doing it for myself, but I'd be lying if I said other people's opinions of me/my looks didn't matter to me. I miss the skinny nicknames lmao

Day 6: Do you binge? If so, explain why you think you do.

Yep, after I start restricting for too long I'll just devour everything in the refrigerator even if it makes me feel like absolute shit.

Day 7: Do your parents know you're trying to lose weight? Do they care?

Oh hell no. Idk if they would really care, but it's way too embarrassing bc I've been trying to lose weight for years now and I've only gained since then. I'm a failure lmao

Day 8: Your workout routine

I don't really have a routine, I just have a playlist of some different workouts to choose from. I don't even do it that often tbh I'm lazy (gonna start doing it nightly though!)

Day 9: Did people ever make comments about your weight in a negative way?

Idk about negative but I've been told my legs are getting big by family. Another family member also told me they were fat lmao

Day 10: What was the hardest thing you gave up during this weight loss?

The ability to eat without counting calories lmao

Day 11: Your fav. thinspo blog and why.

I don't really have one rn. I spend so much time scrolling through this shit but I just kinda move on from one to the other

Day 12: What do you normally eat?

I've been living off instant rice noodles recently. 200 cal for a packet and it's so filling when drowned in water. Add a poached egg and you have some gourmet shit

Day 13: Are you losing weight in a healthy or unhealthy way?

Both ig? I used to do it more healthily but this recent dip back into being obsessed with getting skinny has been the worst so far lmao.

Day 14: What's your UGW? When do you expect to reach it?

Rn it's 96 lbs. I certainly could get there by the end of the year but knowing me I probably won't. A bitch can dream. A bitch can also undo a week's worth of progress in one day.

Day 15: Are you vegan or vegetarian? If so, has this helped you to lose weight? If no, do you ever consider turning vegan or vegetarian?

I tried veganism out a few years ago, but I'd never go back to it. I don't need stress dreams of accidentally eating meat or dairy products and binging. Fuck the cows tbh

Day 16: When did you first decide to lose weight?

I actually don't know. I have memories of trying to stop eating altogether and then binging on uncrustables from when I was younger, but I only really got into calorie counting like 2-3 years ago?

Day 17: Do you have an ED?

Nah but I certainly relate to the ed side of tumblr more than the dieting subreddits I used to subscribe to. Idk at what point you're allowed to say you have an eating disorder but I definitely have some disordered eating going on lol

Day 18: What food is your weakness?

Avocados and oil. Oil scares the living shit out of me, jesus. Why does there have to be so many calories in such a small amount??? And I love avocados but I just can't look at them the same anymore lmao

Day 19: When was the last time you ate fast food?

Idk the last time but my family gets it pretty often. I used to use it as an excuse to binge but once you learn the low cal options it isn't rlly scary anymore

Day 20: Fav. diet

I don't really go by any specific diets, I just try to stay under a specific amount of calories

Day 21: What are your clothing sizes?

Idk at this point. It varies too much depending on the brand so I just try shit on and don't pay attention to the size

Day 22: What was your lowest weight? How and why did you gain?

Maybe like 8 lbs? Idk I don't much remember being a baby tbh

Day 23: Did the media play a role in your wanting to lose weight?

Ofc lmao

Day 24: How do you feel about the terms pro-ana/pro-mia?

I definitely don't like them lmao. I may be a bit hypocritical here as I spend so much time reading that shit, but it's different when it comes to other people ya know. I kinda worry just making posts like this is pro-ana? But like I can't talk to anyone else about it and I kinda need a secret vent acc so idk

Day 25: Have you ever purged? If so, describe your first experience.

I've tried, but I just. can't. I rarely ever vomit and honestly I think I'd rather fast it off than go through that. I wish I could just make myself do it but I keep removing my fingers once I gag

Day 26: What excites you most about reaching your UGW?

There's this cute two piece beach set I've had in my Amazon cart for so long that I'll finally be able to wear without hating myself. Hopefully lmao I may still be fat by then

Day 27: How do you deal with being around food?

I fucking love food. It's so hard for me to turn it down which is why I'm in this mess in the first place

Day 28: Do you want that gap between your legs (thigh gap)? Why?

Uh yeah. Idk why aside from that's what I was taught is attractive lmao. We live in a society tbh

Day 29: Your definition of beauty.

This one is difficult for me to answer. I want to be skinny but I don't think everyone does in order to be considered beautiful. Different people are just beautiful in different ways lol

Day 30: 10 facts about you!

I'm 16, female, my favorite director is either wes anderson or bergman (ik how this sounds lmao), uhh. Idk that's all you get lmao

#30 day thinspo challenge #30 day thinspo #disordered eating tw #thin inspo

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wonder-kid-pugh · 3 years

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The Bet (Kelley O'Hara x reader) part 1

Okay I wrote this ages ago but when I tried to post it, it was too long for a single post and then forgot about it. So I'm going to break it up into 2 parts. Hope you enjoy!!!

Kelley's Pov

"Cmon O'Hara! Your late!" Coach Ellis shouts as I jog onto the field for morning practice. I caught up to the rest of the team and started doing the warm up with them, "Sorry Coach!" "Pipe down and run your lap" she shouts back before going back to her notebook.

I run alongside Alex and Allie which the later of which sniggers at me, "Too busy shagging to make it to practice on time?" I just shrug with a smug grin and keep jogging. "Do you even know her name?" Alex asks raising an eyebrow at me. I open my mouth before closing it again and try to think, "R...Riley? Rosa? Rachel! It was Rachel!"

Alex rolls her eyes, "You stop shoving your tongue down her mouth long enough to ask her?" "Don't get snippy with me just cause Serv can't put out to satisfy your needs" I tease and step out of her reach as she goes to smack me. "Are you ever going to stop sleeping around?" Christen asks from in front of us. I snort, "Why would I want too?"

We finish out the lap and start to stretch, "Beside I can't help it it they throw themselves at me". Christen scrunches her face at me, "Your disgusting". But I just shrug while Mal turns to us, "Did you hear about the new girl?" The some of the others nod while they tilt their heads at the young forward. "What new girl?" Alex asks as she stretches her quad.

Mal just shrugs, "I don't know just hear there was a new girl joining today". Christen hums, "Yeah I'm supposed to show her around after practice". I smirk, "Is she hot?" Christen scoffs, "I haven't met her yet". I give her a cheeky grin, "Well if she's hot can you send her my way". She glares at me, "I'm not helping you add another girl to your list of conquests". I just smirk at the forward, "Fine either it's going to end up with me and her in between the sheets".

"Her and I" Becky corrects as she walks past. Christen looks shocked at our captain, "Don't encourage her!" But the captain shrugs, "I've learned a long time ago to not get involved in Kelley's sex life". I stick out my tongue at Christen who narrows her eyes at me. But Becky crosses her arms giving me a look, "But it doesn't mean I approve of your lifestyle choices".

I stop teasing Christen and look at Becky who gives me a stern look, "I don't like it but I'm not going to tell you what to do. All I'm saying is one day it's going to come back and bite you in the ass and you'll have to accept that".

I watch as Becky walks off to the drill coach has set up as I can't help but think of what she said.

"One day it's going to come back and bite you in the ass and you'll have to accept that"

But I shake my head forgetting it as I follow them to the drill. I respect Becky a lot. She's a great captain and an even better person. But there's no way she knows that for certain.

Right?

...............

I sigh as the bell rings signalling the end of history as I walk out of the class with Tobin, Allie, Alex and Ash, "God I thought he was never going to shut up". Ash nods stretching her arms up over her head, "Yeah. Collins never learns how to shut up. Should we be concerned with how excited he gets talking about the Holocaust?"

But I don't answer instead my attention turns to a girl walking down the hall. She was looking down at what I presume is her timetable as she looks at the numbers on the doors no doubt trying to find her class. She was drop dead gorgeous but as she bit the corner of her lip trying to figure out where she is- holy fuck did that do things to me.

But before I could make a move one of the football players saddle up to her with a sultry smile, "Hey your new. Need help?" She looks him up and down raising an eyebrow at him but before she can reject him I slide up beside her throwing my arm around her shoulders, "Sorry Jacobs she's with me". All I can see is him glaring at me before I wheel her away from him down the hall a bit.

"Thanks" she breathes out, "I was just trying to find my class I didn't exactly want him to get the wrong idea. I owe you one". I wiggle my eyebrows at her, "Well we can call it even if you give me your number". But my smile drops as I see her scoff and mumble something under her breath, "What?" But she just shakes her head, "Look thanks for the save but I didn't escape one flirtatious jackass only to end up with another one".

My eyes widen slightly at her bluntness before trying to recompose myself, "Now why do you think that?" "Because I know what your like. Your all the same. There's always one". "One what?" I ask again trying to understand where she's going. She waves her hand up and down motioning to me, "A player. Has a different girl every few days. Thinks they're god's gift to the world and have have any girl at their beck and call".

I try and keep the smirk off my face as I tilt my head at her, "Why do you think that's me?" She raises an eyebrow at me while she deadpans, "Cause you didn't even asking for my name before you started trying to get into my pants. Besides there's always one like you at every school".

I take a step closer to her with a grin, "Oh honey I promise, you haven't met anyone like me before". To my surprise she puts her finger on my nose and pushes my face away from hers, "Hmm I'm sure. Now excuse but I have to go to class. I'm sure you can find another girl to bang".

And with that she walks down the hallway without even looking back at me. "Don't you need help finding your class?" I shout after her but she waves her hand not sparing me a glance, "I'll find it".

I let out a puff of air as I watch her walk away from me slightly stunned. Even when I hear Allie's cackle I can't seem to pull my eyes away from her retreating figure, "Hahaha Wormie got rejected bad". Ash wraps her arm around me, "So how does it feel to know that not every available girl wants you?" But I ignore them, "Don't worry she'll come around soon". Alex shakes her head, "I don't think so Wormie. I think you've met your match here". But I shake my head, "She will fall for me". Ash smirks, "Wanna bet?"

I finally look at her with a glint in my eye, "What do you have it mind?" "There's no way you can get her before the end of championship" Ash challenges. I smirk at her, "Your on". I look down the hallway where she disappeared,

"She's mine".

.............

I lean up again the lockers with a charming smile plastered on my face, "Hello again". She rolls her eyes as she takes books out of her locker, "Hello O'Hara". I grin, "I don't remember telling you my name". She slams her locker door shut, "Your reputation proceeds you obviously". I lick my lips at that.

That's going to make my job slightly harder

I wiggle my eyebrows at her, "All good things I hope". She raises an eyebrow at me, "Depends on who you ask?" I look at her, "Who did you ask?" But she can't answer as someone calls behind her, "Hey Belle!" She looks behind her and smiles at the forward, "Hey Chris!" She returns the smile before her eyes land on me, "What are you up too Kels?" I shrug, "Just trying to welcome the new student to our wonderful school".

Christen hums obviously not impressed before turning back to the new girl, "What's your next class?" She takes out her phone and checks it quickly before answering, "Uh Calc with Mr James?" I immediately grin, "So do I. I can take you". She once again rolls her eyes while christen gives her what I could only say was a sympathy look, "Sure I'll meet you after for lunch". She sighs but nods before Christen walks away to her next class.

"Ready to go?" I ask but she just sighs and nods, "Let's go O'Hara". I start walking towards our class her barely looking at me, "Why do you hate me so much?" She shrugs, "I don't hate you, I just don't like people like you. I've barely been here a week and I've already heard all about you". "Okay that's fair. But you've only heard about me from other people. You haven't actually given me the chance to really get to know me. How you do know it's true?"

She stops right as we reach the class and turns to me, "That's true. Another thing that's true is your literally saying this to me wearing a leather jacket. What is your motorcycle in the shop?" She runs her hand through her hair before looking me straight in the eye, "It isn't just the fact that you are the perfect image of your stereotypical player. It's also the fact you wear it like a badge of honour. You love the fact that people see you as that and that girls stumble over themselves to get your attention. I'm sorry but I'm not interested in being another name to your already long list of girls you've bedded. I will say that whatever girl that finally gets you to settle down will deserve an award and I hope you find her in the future".

With that she leaves me there standing in the doorway as she turns on her heel and walks into class and introduces herself to the teacher. And as much as I would like to say her words affected me.

I was too focused on how blue her eyes were

.............

"Ladies I would like to introduce you to our new midfielder, Belle Rose" Coach Ellis says as Belle smiles at us but it soon falters when she sees me. "Get a quick stretch going because after we're going into th beep test!" Ellis shouts only for us to groan but start stretching knowing it's only going to be worst if we keep moaning.

"Funny how we keep running into each other" I joke as I walk over to her as she stretches out. She gives me her signature eye roll, "Or maybe I have a stalker?" I grin as I swing my leg, "You wish Princess". She scoffs, "Oh wow that's so original. I've never heard that one before". "I mean you kinda teed it up with your name" I laugh. She snorts, "Yeah my parents had a funny sense of humour". "Well if your beauty where's your beast?" I ask wiggling my eyebrows at her. "Anyone but you" she answers simply before walking away but I'm quick to follow.

"You really not going to give me a chance?" I sigh. "Nope" she says popping the p. "How about a little wager then?" I try again. Thankfully this gets her attention as she turns and quirks an eyebrow at me, "What are you up too O'Hara?" I smirk, "If I can outlast you in the beep test, you have to go on a date with me?" I see most of the team turns and watches us as she thinks drumming her fingers against her bicep, "Wow you really that desperate that you have to challenge me to a race?" The team laugh while I just focus on her as she tilts her head at me, "What's in it for me?" I shrug, "What do you want?" She licks her lips before smirking, "If I win, you have to go a month without sleeping with someone".

All the youngin's ohhhhh but I ignore them and hold out my hand, "Your on". She shakes my hand, "Let's see what you've got O'Hara". "You got it Princess" I wink but she scoffs and walks over to Christen calling over her shoulder, "Good luck beast".

Belle's Pov

"Are you sure about this Belle? I know you have never seen Kelley play before but she's the fastest on the team and always lasts the longest on the beep test" Christen frowns as I shake out my arms and legs. I grin, "Don't worry Pressy. Your forgetting you haven't seen me either. I got this". She sighs, "I hope your right. Kelley is my friend but she leaves a trail of heartbreak in her wake and I don't want to you be another victim of her ways".

I smile, "I appreciate that Chris. I'm glad I have a friend like you looking out for me". She smiles and gives me a side hug, "Anytime". We all line up for the beep test and Kelley makes sure that she's on the other side of me with Mal on the other. We start off with the easy levels. Obviously the goalkeepers were the first to go followed then by the defenders, Kelley being the only one left. The higher up we go the more people drop until it's just Kelley, Christen, Alex, Mal and I left.

Kelley makes it her mission to keep making comments in my ear. Teasing and trying to psyche me out. But I just shrug her off and focus on the running. Soon the other 3 drop leaving only Kelley and I. "I'll give you this. Not many people can keep pace with me" Kelley breathes out. I shrug and wink at her, "You should be worried about keeping up with me". She huffs out a laugh before another beep sounds and we're off running again. We go another few rounds and we're both breathing heavy now. "Just drop so we can both be done with this" Kelley huffs out with a cough but I shake my head with a similar huff, "No way. There's no way I'm stopping until I win".

Again the all too familiar beep comes too soon as we're forced to run again. We both make the line with barely a second but this time you could see that Kelley was struggling as she goes into a coughing fit. I frown as the defender hunches over in a coughing fit and doesn't stop. It gets so intense that she drops to her knees still hacking. I kneel beside her the beep test is completely forgotten as I take her wrists in my hands. She lifts her head as I raise her hands above her head looking into her eyes. "Just take some deep breathes. In the nose out the mouth". She nods slightly as she follows me instructions.

It was only then did I realise how close we really were. My faces scan over her face as her eyes close. Although I would never admit it out loud to her. She was beautiful. She had the looks. Her defined features paired with her sharp jawline would have anyone in awe. Then the millions of freckles scattered across her face only made her more adorable.

But Christ her eyes

When her hazel eyes opened and peered back at me. My breathing almost hitched. The way her eyes just pulled everything together was incredible.

Who knew hazel could be so pretty?

No words were spoken as we both tried to gain our breath back. But our little bubble was interrupted by the rest of the team. "You okay Kels?" Alex ask standing over her friend who nods giving her a thumbs up. It's only then I realise I'm still holding her hands in mine as I quickly drop them and stand up beside Christen who hands me a water bottle, "You good?" I nod before taking a drink.

"Okay while Kelley and Belle catch their breath the rest of you will move onto the next drill" Ellis explains as the rest of the team nod and head over to the drill. Coach turns to us, "You good O'Hara?" She just nods slightly but coach doesn't look convinced, "Sit out for a bit and if your feelings better you can join in. Don't push yourself. Same with you Rose". We both nod before coach walks over to the team and start the drill.

We both just sit in the bench for a little while just taking a breather as we watch the girls before Kelley speaks up, "You could have won". I just turn and look at her as she continues, "You could have kept going and won the bet". I just shrug, "Winning a bet shouldn't come at the expense of someone else". I furrow my eyebrows as I swear I see her flinch slightly before looking down but I ignore it. But it's quickly forgotten about as she gives me a teasing smile, "If I was there any longer I might have needed mouth to mouth".

I groan loudly, "Do you ever stop?" She shrugs with a small smile, "Sorry". I shake my head as I look at the team and see it's a defenders Vs attackers drill and nudge her foot with mine and nod my head towards them, "Cmon O'Hara time for me to show you up in the drill". I start walking over but I heard her scoff behind me before following.

"Not likely Princess"

..............

"Cmon baby you we can have some more fun this weekend. I've got the house all to myself" some girl smirks as she places her hand on Kelley's arm. I roll my eyes but I tilt my head as I see she shrug her off, "Sorry can't". It's obvious that I'm not the only one that's surprised as the girl looks taken back, "Why?" But she just shrugs, "Just can't".

But this doesn't detour her as she once again goes in close to Kelley gliding her hand down her chest to her torso, "Cmon you've never turned down an offer before. Besides we both had fun the last time". I slam my locker shut and houst my bag over my shoulder as I walk over to them, "Kels cmon we have to get to class". She nods before detaching herself from the girl who just narrows her eyes at me, "We were talking". I shrug giving her a bored look, "Not anymore". She scoffs but looks at Kelley, "So this weekend?"

Kelley genuinely looks annoyed for second so I decide to step in, "She can't". Both of them look at me, one in anger the other in confusion. "And why not?" The girl challenges crossing her arms. I lean into Kelley and nudge her side, "We have plans right?" I hold Kelley's stare as she catches on and wraps an arm around my shoulders, "Yup we have plans. Sorry Rachel". "It's Reagan" she glares at us while I try to hold back a snort. "Sorry" Kelley says as she wheels us away and towards our next class.

"Thanks" she breathes out as we make our way through the sea of people. "As much as your a pain in my ass. Your still my teammate and it looked like you needed some help" I say. She smiles, "I appreciate it". "Can I ask you a question?" I ask. "Shoot" she nods. I look at her out of the corner of my eye as we keep walking, "Why did you say no?" She looks at me as I continue, "I mean from my knowledge you never turn down something like that".

She licks her lips before she shrugs, "It was apart of the deal". I furrow my eyebrows at her, "What deal?" She grins, "The deal we made at training. About the beep test". "But I didn't win" I say. She shrugs, "Neither did I. That's why I'm also taking you out on a date this weekend". I give her a blank face, "Seriously?" She smirks, "Deadly. Neither of us won but both of us lost so we both do the forfeit".

I sigh, "I suppose that makes sense. And I'm guessing your not going to let me out of it either". She shake her head, "Nope!" I toss my head back and groan, "Fine. One date and then you leave me alone". She pumps her fist while I can't help but giggle at her child like behaviour as we continue on the way to class.

All the way I didn't realise her arm was still wrapped around me.

#kelley o hara #kelley o hara x reader #kelley o hara imagines #kelley o hara imagine #uswnt #uswnt imagines #uswnt imagine

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karls-writing-space · 3 years

Text

『 Backstory 』

➵ Any TWs? :

➵ Subtle Mentions of Transphobia.

➵ Beau Romano - his deadname being Bianca - was born a year after his older sister, Faye. He lived with his semi-wealthy parents, Camilia and Dylan Romano in Manitoba.

When he was in second grade, Beau began to have a big sprout of creativity. He had drawn pictures of people and anthropomorphic animals, and create small little tales about these people/animals he has drawn. He Drew more and more of these as time slowly passed, and he enjoyed telling stories about these drawings. This had grown into a hobby, and something he enjoyed thoroughly.

His older sister came out when she was nine that she felt like a girl and that she was attracted to girls. Now, their parents are very accepting people and proceeded to assist and support Faye - who was formerly known as Lovino - get what she needed to transition.

Beau happily cheered on his big sister on, supporting her and showering her with love. He celebrated her transitions and her relationships happily, happy that he had such a prideful older sister.

By the time Beau was ten, he had begun to experiment with his sexuality by feeling some weird way towards a guy in music class. He talked with this guy more and more, and these feelings continued to grow.

After a couple of weeks, he felt the same way towards a girl in music class too. The feeling for the boy stayed, but now he had feelings for a boy and a girl.

One day, while walking to school with his mom, he heard two girls behind him talking about the people they liked. One of the girls had said that she was Bisexual, to which little Beau tugged on his mother's sleeve and asked what "Bisexual" meant. The woman explained that it was when someone liked two or more genders.

Beau put that into thought, and not even a minute later, he exclaimed "I'm Bisexual!"

His mom smiles and ruffled her son's - then daughter's - head. While Beau was still a kid, and she thought that Beau didn't know what he was talking about, the boy knew exactly what he was talking about.

Those feelings of the boy and girl faded over time. When Beau was twelve, he had fallen for another person. There had been this really cute girl in class who enjoyed drawing, and boy, what a talented artist she is.

Slowly, but surely, Beau began to fall in love with this girl, and spent time with her. Months went by, and the two had fallen in love.

The girl had confessed to Beau, which he accepted.

These two were a great, healthy Lesbian couple at the time. They were both very happy and loving. Beau had welcomed his girlfriend into the family, to which they welcomed with open arms.

The relationship lasted for two years until they fell out of love. The spark was gone. Their breakup wasn't nasty - they awkwardly stated that they lost that romantic spark on both sides. Beau had turned thirteen at the time. Beau and his ex-lover are on good terms to this day.

Once puberty hit, Beau looked at the body he had at the moment. He didn't quite fit with how it was. It made him feel like he didn't fit in a girl's body. He wanted to cut off his developing melons. So, he decided to talk to Faye later that evening, whom had fully transitioned. She was a beautiful woman. As he talked to her about what had been up, Faye stated that Beau could be Transgender, and even gave him a few articles on Gender Dysphoria.

Weeks of looking into gender identities later, Beau took the label "Trans Male" and used it to describe himself. With encouragement from Faye, he came out to his parents, who accepted him. He didn't want to transition as quickly as Faye, and wanted to take it slow. Testosterone and binding first.

As he grew older, Beau got bullied for being a Transgender Bisexual man. He was experiencing Transphobia from a few of his fellow peers. He knew that not everyone would accept him for being who he was, but this hurt quite a bit. Being bullied for this wasn't fair - he had every right to express himself! - but nooo, people were idiots.

His love for writing had grown more and more over the years. He began to write little stories that he presented in school and posted online. People loved his little stories. Whether they were fanfiction or characters and universes he had created in his head, they received a lot of positive feedback. Sure, there were haters, bullies, trolls, and rude people in general, but Beau didn't pay attention to them too much.

Beau had gotten top surgery when he was fifteen. He had been on testosterone for a year, and he had been binding for that time being. He loved his new, flat chest. Sure, he would have a scar on his chest from the surgery, but it didn't really bother him. He was happy that his tibbies were deleted. Now he could feel like a guy somewhat.

During the time passed from fourteen and fifteen years old, Beau had been watching a show known as "Total Drama" with Faye. The show was appealing to the young teen. The risky challenges were entertaining, most of the cast was likable, and it was really entertaining for the young boy. He'd talk about joining the show every now and then and would think about what his label or cliche would be on the show.

Timeskip to now, Beau and Faye are sixteen and seventeen respectively. After watching an ad to audition for the next season of Total Drama, Faye looked over at her little brother.

"Hey... You should audition to be on there!"

Beau, liking the idea, auditioned for the show. Once his audition was seen, Beau was invited to be on a season of Total Drama.

『 Voice Claim 』

youtube

『 Miscellaneous Facts』

➵ Theme Song

youtube

➵ Quotes

"O-Oh, hello...!"

"I'm Beau. It's nice to meet you!"

"It's too people-y in there. I-I'd like to stay right here."

"He's... Kinda pretty."

"Are you lonely? I could hang out with you if you'd like."

"I-It's not a diary! It's just a journal that I put my writing and ideas in."

"Sorry, I'd rather be by myself. I-It's nothing personal -- I j-just don't like large groups of people."

"Sorry... I'm rambling again, aren't I? Sorry about that..."

"He's a... He's a man. And I'm just a boy."

"Ciao, bello..!" (Hello, handsome..!)

"Aren't you guys a little too old for a bedtime story?"

"Fine, fine. Once upon a time, there were a few guys on an island who needed to go the fuck to sleep. G'night, guys."

"What do you mean that 'isn't a good bedtime story? I think it's a brilliant story."

"Fine... There was once this God named Fóllame de lado-"

"Hey - do you wanna fuck around with the others?"

"H-Hey! I apologize for interrupting what you were doing, but... I'd like to confess something if that's o-okay? Look, I'll cut to the chase. I... love you, dude. And not in some bromance way. Like... I have romantic feelings for you. I love you so much I could scream it to the world..! I hope you f-feel the same way. And if you don't? That's p-perfectly fine."

"Good morning, mio amore."

"Sorry, but could you like, shut up for five seconds? Thanks..."

➵ Ship Names (OC X Crush or OC X OC)

Duncan x Beau = BeauDun/ BeauCan

DJ x Beau = BJ / BeauJ

Alejandro x Beau = AleBeau

Mike x Beau = Meau/Bike

Lightning x Beau = Blightning/BeauLight

Topher x Beau = Beaupher / Beaupher

Shawn x Beau = Sheau / Bawn

➵ Random Facts

• If they're comfortable, Beau calls his male friends "Bello" (Handsome), and his female friends "Bella" (Beautiful).

For Nonbinary folk, it depends on what they prefer.

•Beau has learned how to play the ukelele from Faye.

•He would actually like to go windsurfing sometime!

• Speaking of his sister, she's a well-known acrobat/performer for her age. He admires her for being so talented in such a thing..

• His sister is an extrovert, and more outgoing than Beau. The two are opposites,,but yknow, opposites attract!

•Beau prefers to write stories that are/include horror, action, and supernatural/fantasy. He can write romantic stories, but he doesn't prefer writing things like that.

•He has written some shitty fanfictions when he was younger. He will share them among his friends and laugh at what he wrote.

•The languages he speaks are:

• English

•Italian

• (Some) Spanish. [Italian and Spanish are similar language-wise in a few ways. That, and Beau just wanted to learn Spanish.]

• Respectful boi when it comes to Pronouns, Names, People's likes and dislikes, etc.

•Beau has some family members that live in Italy. He has gone to Italy to visit them numerous times.

• Beau doesn't believe in soulmates. He thinks that it's just some fairytale thing that people believe in. He wants to love someone on his own accord - not someone who the universe was like "Oh, let's put these people together.".

♫♪.ılılıll|̲̅̅●̲̅̅|̲̅̅=̲̅̅|̲̅̅●̲̅̅|llılılı.♫♪

╚═══*.·:·.☽✧ ✦ ✧☾.·:·.*═══╝

#td oc #total drama oc #beau romano #tdpi #tdas #tdwt #tdi #vix writes stuff #nico writes stuff #Youtube

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finkmakescharacters · 3 years

Text

Name: Dantalion Goethe

Gender: male

Age: 30

Residence: Here-Nor-There

Personality: serious, fair, reserved, intelligent, prim, logical, arrogant, persnickety, introverted, unfriendly, morbid, polite

Likes: black tea, mystery novels, being challenged, puzzles and riddles, rainy nights, learning something new, studying magic

Dislikes: getting dirty, parties, people who mistreat library books, closemindedness, secrets, rulebreakers, yardwork

Important Belongings

-The Old Grimoire, a book of incantations passed down to him by his father

-his vintage tea set, very expensive white porcelain with plum and gold trim

This is Dantalion, a well mannered psychic. He can show you visions of past, present or future and control the minds of others. He's a bit haughty and very hard to impress but he has a strong desire to maintain order. Lawful Neutral, if you will. Quiet, serious and eternally hungry for knowledge, Dantalion is often holed up in his study, reading through his grimoire or perhaps a good mystery. He loathes secrets and will not stand for information being withheld from him. He'll use his powers to either stealthily read the other's thoughts or overload their mind and cause crippling migraines if a more forceful approach is needed. That's not to say he doesn't hold his own secrets. Bit hypocritical maybe. Dantalion is not a social creature, preferring to keep his nose buried in his books. He's open to learning about all types of magic and has great respect for those who can provide him with an intellectually stimulating conversation. His wild hair appears to have a mind of its own and he can even hold objects with it. More books to read! He lives in an old gothic house in the small port town of Here-Nor-There that's not exactly in the most fabulous state, but Dantalion doesn't seem to mind. The roof may leak and the doors all squeak but he calls it home. His belongings are all tidy and organized, despite the exterior of his home looking rather shabby. If he's not reading, Dantalion may be writing his own tales or practicing his calligraphy. He takes great pride in his gorgeous penmanship and lettering. Though rather distant and stern, Dantalion is far from heartless. He's the type to listen closely and say little, allowing you to vent your frustrations without judgement. He's also dependable and loyal, as well as honest. Lying disgusts him and he picks on lies quickly. Dantalion has a very strong sense of honor. He will never back down from a fair challenge, nor will he flee or quit when he's losing. It does sting him when he's defeated by a lesser opponent. Dantalion isn't one to joke around and cuts playful goofiness short with a curt call back to serious conversation. That's not to say he doesn't ever have a laugh. His own sense of humor is very dry and unique to him. Others might think he's being weird or even rude when he's cracking the rare joke.

Design Notes

-6'3"

-wears pale face makeup and blush, neck is his natural skin tone

-beauty mark under eye

-hair is wild and untamed but always covers one eye

-cleft chin

Have a character interview with Dantalion!

WHAT IS YOUR NAME?

"My name is Dantalion. A pleasure."

WHAT IS YOUR REAL NAME?

"Dantalion is my real name. Dantalion Victor Goethe. Please do not call me Dante."

DO YOU KNOW WHY YOU WERE CALLED THAT?

"I can't say that I know the full origin of my name, but I recall Father mentioning my middle name was taken from a distant uncle. I don't believe I ever met him though."

ARE YOU SINGLE OR TAKEN?

"I am quite single and quite happy so. Perhaps in time I will find a man or woman that I can spend my life with, but I am content as I am currently."

HAVE ANY ABILITIES OR POWERS?

"I am a psychic, a seer. I can see what has been or will be. It is not always voluntary and visions can be sudden."

STOP BEING A GARY STU.

"I apologize, I don't know of a 'Gary Stu'."

WHAT’S YOUR EYE COLOR?

"Allow me to move my hair for you. They're a vibrant light green."

HOW ABOUT YOUR HAIR COLOR?

"My hair is a dark, deep, plum purple."

HAVE YOU ANY FAMILY MEMBERS?

"In my immediate family, there is Mother and Father, as well as my two younger brothers, Valefar and Eligos. Valefar is two years younger than me and Eligos is five years younger."

OH? WHAT ABOUT PETS?

"Not currently. I had a wonderful cat for many years before he passed recently. His name was Azrael, a lovely little sphynx. It's unfortunate but not unexpected. 24 is quite good for a house cat."

THAT’S COOL I GUESS, NOW TELL ME ABOUT SOMETHING YOU DON’T LIKE.

"Secrets. I can't stand them. Not terribly fond of sweet tea either. And people who 'dog ear' the pages of books, don't get me started..."

DO YOU HAVE ANY HOBBIES/ACTIVITIES YOU LIKE DOING?

"I took calligraphy lessons as a boy and continue to practice today. I'm also an avid reader and enjoy cleaning and organizing my study. Granted it doesn't really get disorganized, but I enjoy organizing my books in different ways. Perhaps alphabetical by title, perhaps alphabetical by author, who can say? Bit of a wild card, I am."

EVER HURT ANYONE BEFORE?

"Yes, though only when necessary to obtain information or incapacitate. I have assisted local detectives before in apprehending criminals and in order to give them what they wanted, I was required to use my powers to induce migraines in the accused. I don't particularly enjoy it, but I answer to the authorities at the end of the day, and they needed me."

EVER….KILLED ANYONE BEFORE?

"No, I have never needed to use lethal force and I pray I never need to. I believe lethal force should only be used if there is a very real threat on one's life and even then it shouldn't be your first choice."

WHAT KIND OF ANIMAL ARE YOU?

"I'm of the humanoid sort."

NAME YOUR WORST HABITS.

"I, ah...am rather embarrassed to admit that I often pour myself another drink before finishing one I already have. It tends to slip my mind..."

DO YOU LOOK UP TO ANYONE AT ALL?

"There is an author I am absolutely enamored with, Bea Wilder. Her work has inspired me since I was a very young child. I recall picking up her novel Hair in the Spider's Web from the school library and reading the entirety of it in one day."

GAY, STRAIGHT, OR BISEXUAL?

"I identify as bisexual, with a small preference for women."

DO YOU GO TO SCHOOL?

"I graduated years ago. I was salutatorian, in fact."

DO YOU EVER WANT TO MARRY AND HAVE KIDS ONE DAY?

"Perhaps one day, but not in the near future. I believe I'm a bit young for marriage and children."

DO YOU HAVE ANY FANBOYS/FANGIRLS?

"Not that I am aware of. Unless every pop star, actor and internet celebrity drops dead at once, I doubt the children would obsess over the likes of me."

WHAT ARE YOU MOST AFRAID OF?

"Death, naturally. It's the greatest unknown and that terrifies me."

WHAT DO YOU USUALLY WEAR?

"I typically wear a dark colored suit, two or three pieces. My favorite one is the one I'm wearing currently. Quite a beautiful shade of purple."

DO YOU LOVE SOMEONE?

"I love my parents, as most do."

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WET YOURSELF?

"I was four. Accidents happen."

WELL, IT’S NOT OVER YET!

"Very well."

WHAT CLASS ARE YOU? (HIGH CLASS, MIDDLE CLASS, LOW CLASS)

"Higher middle class. I live quite comfortably but I wouldn't call myself notably wealthy."

HOW MANY FRIENDS DO YOU HAVE?

"I have very few friends, only one I speak to regularly, but they are very near and dear to my heart."

WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS ON PIE?

"I enjoy blackberry pie."

FAVOURITE DRINK?

"Black tea, no milk, no sugar. Especially in the morning with a light breakfast."

WHAT’S YOUR FAVOURITE PLACE?

"My study. It is my sanctuary."

ARE YOU INTERESTED IN SOMEONE?

"Not currently, no."

WHAT’S YOUR BRA CUP SIZE AND/OR HOW BIG IS YOUR WILLY?

"That is a very inappropriate question and I will not be entertaining it."

WOULD YOU RATHER SWIM IN THE LAKE OR THE OCEAN?

"Neither. Are you aware of how filthy that water can be? The types of parasitic creatures that thrive in it?"

WHAT’S YOUR TYPE?

"Intelligent, artistic and graceful."

ANY FETISHES?

"I will say this once, please refrain from asking these invasive questions."

SEME OR UKE? TOP OR BOTTOM? DOMINANT OR SUBMISSIVE?

"If you continue to pester me like this, I will ask you to leave. This is your final warning."

CAMPING OR INDOORS?

"Indoors. It's pleasantly warm and there are the conveniences of tea kettles, antibacterial soap and indoor plumbing."

ARE YOU WANTING THE QUIZ TO END?

"If it means you will not ask me about my sexual preferences, yes."

#male original character #male oc #oc ref sheet #oc reference #oc #original character #art

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cleverclovers · 4 years

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Why I cut off a couple of my former roommates, how I felt about it then, and how I feel about it now...

This is something I've been considering talking openly about for a good long while. A way to clear the air and make my feelings known.

I moved out of my mother's house at a tumultuous time, for my family, and for my own personal psychological health. I was 24, starting out in my transition, desperate to be myself, and living in an increasingly crowded household. My sister in law was moving in from Japan with my toddler nephew, bringing the household from five to seven, leaving three of us (at least) sleeping in the living room of an 800 square foot apartment, while my youngest sibling was still in highschool. It was too much to handle.

So one of my best friends and I moved forward with plans to move in together.

I wish I could say I was prepared for the challenges that would present. I knew from stays at his house he was messy. I new he didn't like, and perhaps didn't really understand cleaning. I knew he had his own cocktail of trauma and mental illness that might not compliment my disabilities, but I thought that our long standing friendship had prepared me to handle these things.

I don't want to blame things on his mental illness alone. Part of our mutual difficulty came from my own issues, and difficulty understanding the nuances of his issues. Part of it came from my increased depression due to long periods of isolation that came from HIS long periods of isolation, from my own failure to reach out to friends and family in determination not to worry them, and their failure to reach out to me-- I'm more social than I thought I was, desperate for interaction, vocal communication, physical contact, and social stimulation. Going long periods without speaking or touching another human being really fucks with my head, and he was (and maybe is) very touch adverse.

At some point his father decided I was his caretaker, responsible for reminding him to attend appointments of various natures (and attend them with him), reign in his habit of eating out, or buying junk food, remind him to pay bills and clean his room. He made me responsible for managing his life, and my friend only added to this, asking me to make calls to schedule his appointments and refill his medications, and schedule vehicle maintenance. Not only did I feel socially isolated, I took on the role of a parent, changing my relationship with my friend and further distancing me from someone I trusted and depended on.

My needs started to fall by the wayside. If I was injured or ill and needed medical attention I had to ask for assistance from outside the home, or grin and bear it. Alcoholism that I'd been developing while living with my aunt in years previous became full blown, and all I could really do was manage Bean's care. I lost all sense of time, I worked days without sleep, and when I wasn't working, I was drunk beyond reason. It would sometimes be whole weeks between having more than short vocal conversations with my roommate, where the only creature I had any vocal communication with was my cat, or the occasional phone call with Tom, my current roommate and QPP.

At one point I was so drunk I called him in the middle of the night, lost in my own home, asking if he knew where I was. This scared him. It wasn't the first time, and it wouldn't be the last...

When it came time that he needed a rescue, he leapt on my offer to come live with me, so concerned that I was in danger from myself that he was willing to put himself in an uncertain living situation in order to help me clean up and get sober, get control of my life.

My roommate at the time didn't do that, and I can't have expected him to, with his own issues, but he certainly didn't like me insisting on Tom coming to live with us. They clashed. He grew aggressive, though he'd insist he wasn't. He yelled, he slammed doors, he stomped and beat his fists on the counters, and at one point I witnessed him kick my cat.

He insists to this day that he didn't. That he would never. But he hadnt been taking his medication at the time. He had a lot of breaks, a lot of issues where he stopped being him, and another facet of him took over. I don't want to hold him accountable, I don't know what that's like, but it doesn't change the fact that it happened.

As I sobered up, it started to scare me more and more. My anxiety was through the roof, and I spent a lot of time crying. At the same time, his father was still expecting me to be responsible for him, his appointments, his bills, his spending.

We became desperate to get away.

When plans fell through with one group of friends, we took an offer from another, and Lord. That was a bad decision. Had we decided to go our own way, we might still have that friend. Sometimes. Sometimes you shouldn't move in with friends.

Sometimes it ruins friendships.

And boy did it ever.

For a while our household of four adults and two cats only had two incomes. We moved in together in July. He promised he'd get a job. He promised he'd contribute. He promised not to dig into triggers and be respectful. He promised to learn to keep up after himself, and I believed him, because he was my friend, he knew I'd been abused for not keeping the house clean, he knew what my former roommate had left me with.

Food became scarce. I was working all the time. I was barely sleeping. It was hot. He always had something he wanted. He insisted on taking us on adventures and almost got into accidents with me in the car on many occasions. I'm terrified of cars. I'm terrified of other drivers. I've been in 16 accidents and none of them have ever been my fault because I don't drive and it's wrecked me. He knew this. He still took offense at my gripping the car and crying when we were nearly t-boned.

He broke heirlooms from my mother's family. He shrieked when I couldn't fix his car, when I didn't immediately lend him my dying phone so he could find his own. He failed to keep his promise to keep up after himself. Stenches started wafting out of his room, horrible stomach turning stenches, and he'd leave his barely rinsed dirty dishes on the drain rack containing my painstakingly soap and bleach scrubbed dishes, pans and containers.

When I started to feel panic because our rent and electric bill had increased but income had not, and asked him desperately if he had found a job, if he'd made progress in his job hunt, if he was willing and able to contribute to the household because Tom and I were starting to go hungry, eating once a day at best while I continued to lose sleep working trying to make ends meet, and Tom's social security case dragged on, I became the villain.

Tom started to break down. This roommate started slamming doors. I started crying in the shower and begging Tom to let me drink away the emotions that were growing unmanageable.

I fell out of touch with one of the only contacts I'd had through the isolation with the first roommate, due to this friends insistence that I was unreasonable. But I still tried to be friendly, even as I was falling apart and breaking down

Even as I was desperately trying to cover it up to friends who were growing tired of my complaints and desperation for help.

I lost friends because this person made me his villain, and then informed me that my PTSD could be CURED by being more mindful, that my reactions to him were destroying HIS mental health. I was starving, Tom was starving, we were throwing everything we had into rent and bills and feeding the cats, and huge distances were opening up between me and my found family.

Because they were his, too, and he'd been connected to them longer, and his word carried more weight than mine. Nothing I said could save that relationship.

He left the household in February, he left behind a huge mess, it took Tom and I twenty hours to scrub down his room, and two weeks before we managed to air the stink from the room he left.

Our mutual friend stopped talking to me. I think he's unfollowed me. I'm certain he believes I was the only guilty party in these situations.

I can't say I'm completely without blame. I let myself be walked on until things hit critical mass, and then I exploded in anger and tears. I ranted and cried to other friends rather than directly discussing my issues when they arose. I didn't self advocate. I can't think of everything I did wrong, but I'm certain there's more that I'm just not seeing...

But even years later I feel wronged by both these people. People I knew and trusted for years. I still miss them. I still feel lost and confused.

I just. Need to put my side out in the open. Maybe someone else can see where I went wrong. Maybe friends who were there can step in and help me understand. Maybe this will help lighten my heart. I don't know. I just know that I'm still hurting, and it's not making recovering any easier.

I'm sober now. I've only had one slip up in three years where I had one drink. I've been looking back more, trying to see through the haze... And I've been failing to understand exactly what I did to earn the treatment I received. I know sometimes you don't earn it, that sometimes people can't see past their own issues and take yours into account... But damn if that doesn't still hurt.

#vent

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fictional-worlds-are-exquisite · 3 years

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thank you! i think you're genuinely the only person that has ever said they actually like the fact that my bathrobe is obnoxiously pink. and you're absolutely right, one of the things i like most about it is that it hurts people's eyes. i love it actually. if you ever celebrate halloween you should absolutely add your bathrobe to your costume. an amazing idea. since it has a mouse face on the hood it could be two costumes rolled into one - both a vampire and a mouse (if in the middle of the evening you get bored of one), which i think would be awesome. and you probably wouldn't get cold (is it cold in nz during halloween? because here it almost always is). we don't celebrate halloween in lithuania either though. which i'm a bit bummed about, because halloween sounds super fun. mostly because of the dressing up! but i did celebrate it once, when i was 11 or 12 maybe? me and a couple of friends decided it would be fun even if it's not really celebrated here. so we dressed up, even went trick ir treating (half the houses had no idea what was happening and also i pretty much froze to death because i was dressed as a dead bride and refused to put a coat on because then you couldn't see my dress) and also watched horror movies. 12 (or 11) year old me thought it was amazing.

oh yeah! i've broken a knife on 2 separate occasions i think. once i tried to get something out of between the blender's blades, used a knife and then accidentally turned the blender on (i'm so fucking glad it was a knife and not my fingers). so the tip of the knife broke off (the blender was ok tho). and the second time i have no idea how it happened. i was cutting up broccoli and the knife just fell apart??? i was so confused, because one second i'm holding a knife and the next it's just two pieces of a handle and the metal part, all separate. had fun explaining that to my dad. you sound pretty unlucky too! i mean, a cut every time you use a knife, but you don't even notice it at the time? i think it's just that knives are out to get us (it's my newest conspiracy theory). i actually get double vision too sometimes! mostly when i'm tired, but i just figured that it was because i have really bad eyesight

they definitely SHOULD teach about gender and sexuality in school. it's a really big problem that in a lot of places it's either not compulsory or not even in the curriculum. honestly, everything i know about sex ed or lgbtq+ i had to learn myself on the internet, because we only had one class when we were like 13 years old with a guest speaker and it was mostly biology and then a little bit about menstruation and pads for girls (i have no idea what they told boys because we were also separated). so sex ed definitely sucks a lot in my country and i bet it's the same in a lot of others, which makes me really mad

exactly!! it's so hard to tell whether i'm feeling romantic or platonic love sometimes! it's confusing. also i remember one time me and a couple of friends had a sleepover and the friend's, who was hosting, parents weren't home so we watched romance movies (scandalous i know). again we were maybe 12. and they kept going "oh he's so hot" and intensely watching the sex scenes. while i was looking away from the tv whenever sexy times were going on and commenting on how much i loved the house design and the garden. gee i wonder what that means. (still can't believe it took me this long to figure out i was ace)

the breakfast went very well though! it's so interesting how different traditions are everywhere. i hope your lunch and the rest of christmas day went well too! (also i forgot to ask last time, but what is boxing day? google says it's mostly a shopping holiday, is it that? we just call it the second day of christmas and it's pretty much the same as christmas day but there's no presents!) but yeah i hope you had fun with your extended family on boxing day!

having acid reflux sounds like it sucks. i love breakfast, it's my favourite meal of the day (when i don't have to rush that is) and i skip lunch a lot because i usually have no time for it (my schedule kinda sucks), so i usually try to have a bigger breakfast. but hey, peanut butter is good! so at least you can have something that tastes good for breakfast!

aaand i feel like this ask got away from me. sorry it's so long!

it’s because i have t a s t e. it may not be GOOD taste but it sure is...taste...and i am proud of it. and yes, i love the idea of adding my dressing gown to my costume specifically because it means i’m basically in my PJ’s. minimal effort. comfort to the max. living the dream. halfway through the night i’m tired of being the vampire no one invites in so i drop to my knees and start the mouse act. mice are good at getting in houses and getting to chocolate and such. the dream. also i absolutely would get bored of one costume within the space of a few hours knowing me, so that’s a plus. uhhhh halloween is october which is. mid-late spring so it really depends on the day. it might be a little cold, might be shorts weather. I rarely leave my house at night so I’m not an expert on nighttime temperatures sdflsdfjsd.

I used to wish we did Halloween here but that was mostly because I wanted lollies. Although I also liked playing dress up as a young kid so maybe very young me would’ve vibed with the costume aspect. I know there’s a photo of me when I was like, 5 and my best friend of the time dressed up as witches at some point, maybe we had our own little halloween. I also possibly had a halloween themed birthday party once as a kid? I remember the little gift bags having spooky things in them and also possibly a bat cake but my memory is too bad to remember for sure. aha that’s the problem here too, no one locally would ever think to buy lollies to give out so it’d just be like um. you can have an apple I guess? at least you had fun though! i respect the commitment to the costume despite the cold.

that is such a stressful story to read, i fear for your life. although i understand the knife breaking in that first scenario. that would be terrifying though. what if the blender launched it,,, nOPE. i’m very glad it wasn’t your fingers, that’s some horror movie shit. the second time is just,, it be like that sometimes. it was probably just waiting to happen. my parents have a cheese grater with a loose handle and it. falls off. every time. i dry it. with the dishes. and every time i fear for my life as the grating bit drops off towards my feet as i’m left holding the handle. i should expect it by now but i never do. I get scared every time it happens. knives are definitely out to get us, i fully support this conspiracy theory. oh yeah, tiredness doesn’t help with double vision. i kind of need bifocal glasses by now but I also don’t want bifocal glasses so i just suffer but I suspect having them would reduce the double vision. maybe. maybe not.

yup! i remember someone handing out tampons and pads at primary school, i assume after giving a talk about periods, idk. i do also remember a teacher pulling the girls aside and being like yo, this is what a period is, here’s a horror story about my daughter and a tampon, enjoy the trauma, go back to class. good times. we did actually get really comprehensive sex ed concerning most things at my high school but that is faaaarrr from the norm around here, clearly. although teenage boys are good at filling in gaps, in my experience. they’re like little sex encyclopedias that offer up information without you asking. i didn’t ACTUALLY want to know that but i do now, i guess, thanks michael.

dude. the ‘oh he’s so hot’ comments are so confusing. ‘hot’ is like a category of attractiveness that I’ve never understood. ‘isn’t he hot?’ what does that MEAN rebecca. i think i asked once if it meant like, attractive or good looking. and the person i asked was like, you know, hot. you just look at them and, you know- no i don’t know. what is this. i don’t think i’ve ever watched a sex scene with people my age though, generally i just zone out for them sdkfhskdfh. i feel like there’s definitely all these indicators when you look back like oh yeah, should’ve realised i was ace then, but it’s just. such a hard sexuality to figure out. not that other sexualities aren’t but you’ve got to figure out an absence of something when you don’t even know what the something feels like- it’s a challenge.

I’m glad it did! It is interesting, for sure. I’ve always been interested in how winter Christmas’s work. As a young kid I didn’t understand hemispheres...obviously...i was like 5...and i’d go out on Christmas morning to see if there was snow. and sometimes it’d be a bit chilly in the morning and I’d be like damn. we almost had some this year. it’s a shame our climate tends to be too hot for snow on christmas :// like no you tiny dumbass it’s summer you little idiot there will be no snow no matter what. everything ended up going super well here :). boxing day is basically just a shopping holiday, i don’t know if it has any significance in any other way, i’m sure it did at one point, but i know there’s always boxing day sales everywhere. I think it’s also a public holiday (?) to give people another day off work and that, but I could be wrong there. I know I also used to regularly go to the races (horse races) nearby that were always held on boxing day, it was like a 150 year old tradition or something until people in attendance started dropping and I think they finally shut it down a couple years back. I didn’t care all that much about the horses but they also had food and carnival-type rides and such for the kids which is why I loved it. also we tended to meet extended family there for a picnic lunch.

acid reflux is like the least of my problems sdfkjshdkf. it’s annoying but it’s pretty managed with medication, I have to watch certain foods and drinks but I’m used to it by now. I think it’s also what causes me to not be able to eat large amounts normally so I survive a lot on snacks and a reasonable sized dinner. works for me. but peanut butter is good! i’m glad i can have that! I used to also have vegemite but that’s a bit more of a push, it’s easier to stick with peanut butter.

also it’s fine!! my responses are always very long too sdfjhskdf.

#i got told i probably needed bifocals like #at LEAST 2 years ago #probably more #but realistically i'm probably too dumb to use them correctly i wouldn't look in the right place for close vision or whatever #i'd probably give myself a headache #also to this day i have never gone NEAR a tampon #the horror story gave me enough trauma thanks #anyway gonna go eat an ice cream sundae and suffer #might fuck around and make my lactose intolerance hate me haha #it'll be WORTH it #i say now #in an hour i'll be dying #it's fine #Anonymous

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catholicartistsnyc · 5 years

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Meet: Laura Pittenger

LAURA PITTENGER is a NYC-based writer and director, and a Catholic Artist Connection board member. (www.laurapittenger.com)

CATHOLIC ARTIST CONNECTION (CAC): What brought you to NYC, and where did you come from?

LAURA PITTENGER (LP): I graduated from Ball State University (go Cards) in 2012 with a degree in theatre production and moved here almost immediately from Fort Wayne, Indiana. I have known I wanted to live in New York City since a high school drama club trip. Living here has shattered my illusions about what it would be like, but I think in some ways the reality is better than the fantasy. I never knew New York was so diverse and fascinating outside Manhattan, but I've really fallen in love with the entire East Coast at this point.

CAC: How do understand your vocation as a Catholic artist? Do you call yourself a Catholic artist?

LP: In mixed company, I call myself a theater artist, or a Catholic, but not often both. When I get to introduce myself as such, it is a real joy, because that’s a much more complete picture of who I am. I think it's a label that is often maligned and misunderstood, but I don't make it a personal mission to correct every single person's presumptions about what it means. I try to let my work speak for itself. I couldn't have the ideas I do about life and being human if I weren't a Catholic, and it shines through everything I create, whether I like it or not. (I think that's the Holy Spirit. Right?)

CAC: Where have you found support in the Church for your vocation as an artist?

LP: Being on the board of Catholic Artist Connection, while it has been a lot of work, has also been so faith-building and rewarding and communal. Because I have not often found the support I need as a Catholic artist in the church proper - aside from individual priests and friends, who have been lifesavers - I want to make it my mission to be that open door for other Catholic artists. This is something I believe the laity can do and can do well.

CAC: Where have you found support among your fellow artists for your Catholic faith?

LP: It really depends. Some people can see that the theater is a place where diverse creatures gather to present and grapple with interesting questions, and that gives them the curiosity to explore what it means to be a Catholic during this strange period of history. Some people aren't yet in that frame of mind, and that's okay. If I can be Christ to them, that's what I care about, and that's in my power to do. I'm actually embarking on a process with Project Y Theatre right now where I'm going to be doing a short adaptation of a piece by Hrotsvitha of Gandershaim, a Catholic religious sister who wrote plays in the 10th century, of all things.

CAC: How can the Church be more welcoming to artists?

LP: By supporting groups like the Catholic Artist Connection!

CAC: How can the artistic world be more welcoming to artists of faith?

LP: Ask more questions about faith instead of relying on pat and easy answers. Let religion appear onstage as more than a punchline or punching bag. Let's have stories about religious persons struggling, yes, but let's also have stories about them thriving in religious communities. We could all benefit from that kind of open-mindedness.

CAC: Where in NYC do you regularly find spiritual fulfillment? Do you recommend any particular parishes?

LP: I attend a parish in Queens - reach out to me directly if you want more specifics. Otherwise, in Manhattan, I'll recommend a few parishes that stand out:

St. Francis of Assisi is fantastic, very welcoming, diverse community, and caters to so many marginalized people.

If you want spectacle and the Seat of Everything in NYC, St. Patrick's Cathedral.

I have a special place in my heart for the Dominicans over at St. Vincent Ferrer, it was one of the first churches I attended regularly in the city. You might see a few familiar faces at the noon mass, and sometimes the Sisters of Life go there.

If you want to go to an 11pm mass in Times Square, check out the The Actor's Chapel/St. Malachy's. It's quite something. They have actors and singers galore so the liturgy is pretty beautiful.

St. Ignatius Loyola is a BEAUTIFUL Jesuit parish on Park Avenue, and the music is out of this world good.

CAC: Where in NYC do you regularly find artistic fulfillment?

LP: I have done a lot of work with Turn to Flesh Productions with my good friend Emily C. A. Snyder. I've worked with a lot of companies, some of which have moved away or developed into other companies - such is the nature of the theater!

To get inspired, I visit new places in the city. There are always new places to go. There are still neighborhoods I've never even set foot in and I've been here since 2012.

I read about 50 books a year on average. You have to keep your mind moving so it doesn't get stagnant. And there are a lot of independent used bookstores in the city that you should DEFINITELY support. The Strand is an institution. And Heaven help us, when we get the Drama Bookshop back, you should support them, too.

I also took a class recently with the Brooklyn Institute for Social Research when they had one on "Bible as Literature." Take any class that you can afford. Sign up for Barnes and Noble alerts, they always have famous people come to read from their books in Union Square.

CAC: What is your daily spiritual practice?

LP: I pray throughout the day. My prayer life is extremely simple, basic, and conversational. I spent a long time dealing with anxiety and depression, and I have found it best to just live in the silence with God. I expect a lot of myself by nature, and so my biggest challenge has been learning when to ease off and just know that I am loved by God. I find a lot of comfort in spiritual reading. Read Letters to a Young Poet by Rainer Maria Rilke.

I'm self-conscious of the fact that it seems like I often do the bare minimum of what is expected of me as a Catholic, but my heart is at peace - most of the time. It helps to find a spiritual director or regular confessor who knows you well and can guide you when you're feeling lost, and it was important to me when I moved here that I find one quickly. He's busy, but he'll make time.

CAC: What is your daily artistic practice?

LP: When I was writing my novel I wrote several times a week, and it was a real pleasure. It's good sometimes to work on creative projects that are simply for fun, because it's easy to lose sight of your art as anything but hard work. But, in general, I try to be really protective of my time and energy. I wouldn't say I have a daily practice, but I am trying to get better at doing at least one creative thing a day, even if it's just composing funny dumb tweets.

CAC: Describe a recent day in which you were most completely living out your vocation as an artist. What happened, and what brought you the most joy?

LP: A collective of playwrights including myself have been meeting regularly with the New Sanctuary Coalition at St. Francis Xavier Church in order to write plays based off the interviews the NSC does with immigrants living in the city. It’s been a salve to the soul to find a way to share those stories with the world, they are urgent stories for our times.

CAC: You actually live in NYC? How!?

LP: If you want to move here and are not sure what you want, or if you don't have a big budget or any credit, or some other reason why you don't want to or can't rent your own apartment right away, I recommend starting in a short-term sublet. I arranged a sublet on Facebook in the month before I first moved here, with a girl I hadn't met. I found a sublet group on Facebook, and I know Craigslist (although sketchy) does have sublet opportunities as well. Technically speaking not all subletting is "legal," but NYC subletting laws are pretty draconian. There are legal sublets out there but I can't speak for all of them. It's a little ridiculous, but only the strictest of landlords really seem to care. Just something to keep in mind.

I will be very candid with you - if one of your parents has a very high paying job, you'll be in much better shape to rent your own place. Oftentimes landlords want renters with a guarantor who makes anywhere from 40x to 90x the monthly rent.

If you can find a roommate, do it. Keep open lines of communication about what your priorities are in a living situation. Those things typically come down to:

1. Distance from the train/Manhattan/jobs 2. Space in the apartment 3. Personalities 4. Interest in the neighborhood

If your roommate has a parent who can be the guarantor, or one of yours can be, you will be in great shape to find your own place, even without jobs right away. If not, subletting is your best bet. Do NOT be afraid to speak openly and candidly with each other about finances. You have to be realistic. You have to be wise.

I live in a neighborhood in Queens called Astoria. I share a 3bed convert (meaning it's 2 bed with no living room now because we made it into a bedroom) with a big kitchen, a decent bathroom, and a great landlord. I pay around $900 every month for this, and I'm paying for proximity to the train, proximity to Manhattan (I can be in Times Square in 25 minutes if the trains are running on time), and space. The price jumps up at least $500 a share once you try to find a similar place like that in Manhattan. Yes, the prices are insane. The cheapest studios I see are somewhere around $1500 and you usually don't get much space for that money. The more roommates you have, the cheaper your rent can be, but you will have to sacrifice things like privacy and quiet.

When I first moved here, I paid $750 a month for one half of a 2 bedroom apartment in the same neighborhood, but the landlord was not great, and we had mice and heat problems. You really get what you pay for, and sometimes neighborhoods (like mine) get trendier every year.

I found both apartments with a local broker who knows the neighborhood, and I found her on Craigslist. This is not a blanket endorsement of Craigslist. If something seems too good to be true, it definitely is.

Stay away from Williamsburg, or anything off the L train for now. Look up where the train lines are going to be shut down for long periods of time, and don't move there. Good neighborhoods to look at for lower budgets:

Manhattan: Inwood, Washington Heights, Harlem, Queens: Sunnyside, East Elmhurst, Astoria, Long Island City Brooklyn: Bushwick, Crown Heights.

I don't know Brooklyn super well, honestly, but there are parts of Brooklyn that are still affordable. The ones I listed are all really vibrant and diverse communities, and if you want to be a part of them, they'll be glad to have you. If you have your heart set on Manhattan, you will be paying a lot more for a lot less convenience (longer walk to the store, higher prices, fewer laundromats), but you will have proximity to a lot of cool stuff.

CAC: But seriously, how do you make a living in NYC?

LP: When I first moved here, I got a job at a hotel as a food runner and then a server by attending an open call I found on Craigslist. I also got a job as a host at a Times Square chain restaurant because I had friends who were working there at the time and got me an interview. Another friend recommended a temp agency to me. I got a decent amount of work through there. Basically, it's easier to get a job if you have an "in," but you may have to start at the bottom of the barrel and work your way up.

Some weeks I worked five days at the restaurant, one day at the temp job, and mornings at the house of an actor preparing for a one-man show he was doing. I had to keep really careful track of my paychecks and budget to make sure I would have enough for rent. I made sure I had a cushion of money in my checking account just in case I had an emergency.

The hours will be long and frustrating and you might cry a lot, but if you can stick with it through the tough times, I promise you that you will be able to work anywhere in the world and do anything you want to do, because you did it in New York. Go to open calls. Make phone calls. Walk in and be ready to fill out an application in person, and ask to see the manager right away. Be proactive. Let the rush of energy and fear from being in a new place help you take action.

The one thing I will say is don't let the job become your whole life. There are so many things to see and do here, and you want to have the time to enjoy them. It's not just about survival, it's about living well, and about having time to work on your art. Now I have one job in due diligence, with benefits and healthcare, that allows me to work on my theater stuff, my real passion, in my spare time. I've been with that firm for a little over four years.

CAC: How much would you suggest artists moving to NYC budget for their first year?

LP: I moved here with about $5k, and it took me about $3k to get settled over a period of three months. I lived out of suitcases but clawed my way into an apartment, and took it from there. I also talked to my parents to figure out what my "bailout" fund looked like, and they gave me a ballpark figure - if things ever got really bad, I knew I could call them, but there was a limit, so that encouraged me to stay frugal. I didn't consider that money part of my budget, just a little peace of mind - and I still haven't used it. (But keep in mind, this was in 2012, so adjust for inflation!)

CAC: What other practical resources would you recommend to a Catholic artist living in NYC?

LP: Apply for an IDNYC. It's a municipal (city) ID card that comes with yearlong museum memberships that you can sign up for via the website and it's also a valid ID card if you're somewhat irregular in your living situation - anyone who can prove residency, even homeless persons, can get one! Also, make www.broadwayforbrokepeople.com your bookmark for discounted play tickets. Most theaters have discount programs based on age. You can also try for lotto tickets using the TodayTix app.

CAC: What are your top 3 pieces of advice for Catholic artists moving to NYC?

LP: 1. Go to Mass, every Sunday. Try out different parishes until you find one where you feel comfortable and welcome. We have so, so many and they are waiting for you to fill them up with your time and talents. If they are in your neighborhood, so much the better.

2. Invest in your neighborhood. Shop local. Get to know the community. Attend local events. You're going to meet people you'd never have met back home, and most of them won't be artists, or Catholic - although some might be both! It will inform you creatively more than you know.

3. Surround yourself with people who treat you with the respect and dignity you deserve. This might seem like general life advice, and it is, but as a Catholic you'll find yourself facing challenges in the city, and as an artist in this city, you'll certainly be challenged. But at the end of the day, when you lay your head down, wherever you find a spot, you have to know you are safe and loved. Nothing is worth your respect and dignity, and do everything you can to maintain it. Don't be afraid to ask for help if you feel trapped and afraid. You aren't the only artist (or Catholic) to feel this way in this city.

#laura pittenger #playwright #director #catholic #catholic artist #catholic artists nyc #catholic artist connection #ball state university #new sanctuary #new sanctuary coalition #writing #writer

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