#of course i have fucking brainworms about it really it was just a matter of time

[beatrice-babe]

my crops are fucking dying, there are literally 170 Yakov Feltsman/Lilia Baranovskaya fics on AO3 and i have caught the brainworms for them

send recs plz, i’ll take fanfics, fanart, amvs, plz i need c o n t e n t

#yuri on ice #yuri!!! on ice #yoi #yakov feltsman #lilia baranovskaya #look i'm writing a fanfic for them that MAY OR MAY NOT be based on the intro of up #no one is dead it's just Yakov sitting in a chair and looking at where Lilia's chair used to be #and I don't know if I've got the voices right because i've barely read anything because there's not much to read #they are SAD WORKAHOLICS who are DIVORCED and MIGHT STILL HAVE FEELINGS but definitely still have HISTORY #of course i have fucking brainworms about it really it was just a matter of time

[futchgunk]

Bladders Gat3 Finish doc

:et me get the rest of my fucking feelings out about baldurs gate:

im so mad bc any character who is not human or realism/white passoid is literally regarded with the same type of dismissal that you would see in mainstream media. all the companions that are not white passing are treated like shit and have bad ends.

-Lae'zel (gith) gets abducted by the a bad guy for the last 1/3 of the game (also we could talk about her being the fighter class as default is also a bit racist, but the deep dive will be its own essay). and then she can die and not be able to be resurrected. (resurrection scrolls and revivify spells ONLY work on companions and not npcs)

Wyll (THE ONLY BLACK HUMAN MAIN CHARACTER, side note we could talk about how is name is spelled like a white mormon names their kids) is a big talking point bc he is constantly strung between the expectations put upon him by himself, his family, and then his pact matron. AND NO MATTER WHAT OPTION IS CHOSEN WILL CONTINUES TO SUFFER IN THIS EXECUTIVE PURGATORY. He starts as a "i have to kill this devil" actually its a tiefling (suddenly its now fantasy racial infighting, so of course u dont wanna kill another companion so early in the game, so Wyll is forced through Hell's Circles and the exposure makes him grown large demonic horns. (Wyll does not have control over his body or himself, nor his actions, and only suffers the consequences of the actions of the Tav (PC)). Wyll even gets to have the "I did everything for my father's (approval just to have my father misunderstand me and then the most noble course of action is to be independent because i am still bound by choices prior and also if two black people form any sort of family on screen its disgusting and blasphemous so I might as well treat my father like my brother who i never was able to relate to when i was younger" THIS IS NOT MENTIONING THAT WYLL IS LITERALLY THE SON OF THE DUKE OF BALDURS GATE. HE GIVES UP HIS STATUS OF NOBILITY TO BE HEROIC AND IS JUST FOREVER CONTINUALLY PUNISHED. THE DUKE OF BALDURS GATE IS BRAINWASHED TO RELINQUISHING HIS TITLE AND CORONATES THE WHITE DEVIL EVIL DICK BAD GUY WHO SOLD KARLACH (TIEFLING) TO HELL FOR GIGGLES.

Karlach (tiefling) is a bright eyed noble hearted character that is looking for solace after having 10 years of her life taken from her when she got sold to devil and hell and made a war machine slave because thats perfectly tragic. Her heart is taken from her and replaced with an engine (machine) that is slowly killing her when she is not in Hell. THE ENGINE DOESNT EVEN HAVE A GOOD IN GAME MECHANIC, YOU GET TO SET URSELF ON FIRE TO GET A 'HEAT' DEBUFF THAT U CAN CONSUME ON AN ATTACK, you build heat any other way, so its like only <Lv. 4, and if you minmaxed the opening scene, you get a 2h sword that does this every attack, so like its a bit moot and useless. Furthermore i think its really stupid that shes yearning for companionship and yet is not allowed because her engine makes her to hot to touch. Which rubs me the wrong way as a black transfem (u could argue tiefling coded) because I already feel like that. I feel like im too intense and hot with my passions and i intimidate people to the point that I'm actively denying myself the intimacy i crave so dearly just by existing and expressing myself. The taxation of life shouldn't really exist in video games!! The whole party gets mind enslaving brainworms that magically dont work because the plot armor is really strong yet the demon character who EVEN WHEN THEY SEEK HELP IN THEIR COMPANION QUEST ARE DENIED THE REALITY OF LIVING COMFORTABLY BECAUSE THEY SHOULD ONLY EXIST IN HELL. (cried actually). Before the last of this mess, she offers to turn into a mindflayer just to give herself the peace that she could be the hero that saves the world (become the villain because its better than who you currently exist as, or die being yourself (who has LITERALLY BEEN DEMONIZED). Karlach doesn't get to have have a happy ending because she either dies from engine overdose or goes to hell just to fucking breathe. THE KICKER IS THAT WYLL, THE PERSON WHO WAS GOING TO KILL HER AS PART OF THE WARLOCK PACT, OFFERS TO ACCOMPANY HER IN HELL AND FIGHT BY HER SIDE. WHICH MEANS THAT ALL OF THE MARGINALIZED IDENTITIES EFFECTIVELY FUCK OFF AFTER YOU SAVE THE WORLD.

White victim Shadowheart has the option of rejecting what she knows (which was a lie told her) or believing it. The worst she has to do is kill a bound seraphim, and free her parents held captive by putting their souls to rest (she turns them into light, killing them). She gets sick weapons. Clerics are busted anyway.

White devil astarion got to ascend in pale supremacy and got cool vampire powers (bite+, bite++, buff on kill, and consume buff for heal || next hit crits). The final battle WAS BUGGED FOR ME. I WAS STUCK ON THE BOSS FIGHT FOR TWO WEEKS BECAUSE THE END OF BATTLE SCREEN WOULDNT LOAD. LIKE I MADE A WHOLE NOTHER CHARACTER BECAUSE I BEAT THE BOSS 7 TIMES AND MY BUGFIXED DIDNT WORK!!

if im gonna get so heated about video games i am just gonna go play bloodborne so i have no room to complain bc im constantly sucking

#dont play baldurs gate 3 #fantasy racism #buggirl is ticked off #::::( #-> #>::::(

[alpaca-clouds]

Now I have Themberchaud brainworms

I am telling you guys, it really is getting bad with me and my chubby dragon pall. Because the more I learn about him, the more I find him interesting as a character. Especially given that so far DnD has not done a lot with him. I have not found a proper scan of Out of the Abyss, but from all I can gather he does not have tons of dialogue in there or does really show up as much of a character. (Correct me, if I am wrong.)

And I love the DnD movie. I do. But Themberchaud is not so much a character in it, as he is a joke and a force of nature. He does not talk, he just eats.

Basically, Themberchaud most of the times really boils down to: "Haha, dragon fat!" Meanwhile I am sitting there and think about how his fatness is part of the abuse he went through. And how that is such an interesting thing to work with.

It is kinda funny. While plotting Wishing Well, I talked with my roomie and a friend of mine, who both have gone through forms of abuse that also used food and access to food within the abuse. And they both got so invested in the story of Themberchaud. Or, to quote my roommate, after I told her the backstory: "Well, shit, now you made the funny scene sad."

I think there is in general a lot of fatphobia going around. And yeah, if you - like me - saw the movie without any background, you probably just looked at Themberchaud and went like: "So, Themberchaud is a voracious dragon." But the thing is that... he did not have a lot of choice in it, right? In fact, some people suggest, that the duergar fattened him up on purpose, so that he could not escape them or, for that matter, fight back as effectively. So, they controlled his food as a form of abuse.

And I mean if you are just sitting there in your hord without getting to do anything but light the forges, you might also start to eat out of boredom.

Not to mention that a ton of people develop eating disorders through abuse - in one direction or another.

Of course, I know that in general it is the truth that in a lot of fantasy media the dragons tend to be framed more as a force of nature. While they are intelligent and can speak, they are also rarely something that shows up as actual characters and more as obstacles to overcome or maybe some sort of questgivers.

I already kinda expect that once I go in there and write Themberchaud as a character with trauma, someone will come in and go: "Well, Chromatic Dragons are canonically evil, greedy and tyrannical." But let me argue again this: We have now agreed upon the fact that it actually is a bad things that before orcs or drow were considered as "evil" just because. So... Why should it be true for dragons?

I am not going to argue that actually Themberchaud is a nice guy. But I am going to argue that in fact he is bad because of abuse, rather than because he is a dragon. And that just like Astarion (who starts out BG3 as evil), he should get a chance to have a character development from there. :)

And yes, fuck. I really got invested in this dragon now. Like, fuck. I want to write this story now and then start a fucking spin-off about Themberchaud. Because he does deserve to heal from his trauma, too!

#dnd:hat #dungeons and dragons #dungeons & dragons #dnd: honor among thieves #honor among thieves #themberchaud #dragon #abuse #trauma #fatphobia

[felikatze]

Fic authors self rec! When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you've written, then pass on to at least five other writers. Let’s spread the self-love 💗

Oh my, an opportunity to be vain!

The first one is gonna be my current baby, of course.

You awoke to blood in your mouth and birdsong in your ears.

Grima's closest servant followed the Shepherds into the past. Alone and injured, Morgan makes a vow. To save the world, to save their family, to save their father.

No matter the cost.

(Or: Hierophant Morgan AU, without amnesia and a Future Past adjacent Morgan.)

I think abt this fic so much. so much. i keep talking abt my Plans for it bcuz i am just STOKED. i barely even remember what inspired this fic outside the vague notion of "What if FP but Main Timeline"

this version of morgan is near and dear to me. i love laying out their various psycholigical issues. did you notice they emulate grima's speech when trying to be evil.

second! not FE! My original baby on hiatus because the FE brainworms took over. When missing link drops it'll be back I promise.

Naminé finds a shadow creature inside a cave, Repliku gets attached before he can get rid of it, and Vanitas would like for people to stop petting him please.

(Or: Two introverts try to hide a really weird cat from their keyblade-wielding friends, who will probably slay it on sight.)

Oh man. I havent worked on this one in a WHILE which is especially cruel because I left on a cliffhanger but you gotta consider. terminal FE brain. this fic is what REALLY got me started on writing. It actually made me plan things.

It also made me realize that writing slice of life is really hard. If you don't have an overarching plot to push outside of general character arcs what do you even?? do???

i love this fic but i do cringe when i reread it.

if you ever notice oddly slapstick elements in plusquam, this is where they come from. morgan getting yeeted two chapters in a row is really just an evolution of the vanitas defenestration joke.

next up, my current series.

It's just another pitstop for Grima's hoard; Naga's Tear. But as he tears through the ruins, a girl hugs him and claims to be his daughter. Now, if Grima knew how she came to be, and what bees had to do with children, that'd be great.

And of course Chrom had to recruit her. What else.

(Or: Grima meets Morgan. He's conflicted about this.)

Out of the labyrinth is a series that gives me insane joy from its sheer sillyness, but don't feed that thing after midnight is my favorite of the bunch so far. you might notice i love morgan.

considering how mired i was in my AU morgan characterization, going back to canon and seeing how silly as hell she is made me love her all the more. also. also. joke fic yeah but DID YOU NOTICE how much of grima's thoughts about her mirror forneus' in the valentian accord. did you. please i'm so proud of that.

next, what the fuck do you mean this fic is a year old, was my ninjago phase really last summer:

The fateful inheritance letter reaches Jay eventually. Only now, he knows it's coming.

Just in time for Cliff Gordon's funeral.

(Or: Jay meets his mother.)

out of all my eleven ninjago fics, this is my favorite. i wrote it because i kept thinking about skybound during 4am summer insomnia. it went through many typo fixes.

i do love how i did jay in this one. it's far too late for his mom to be his mom. he's already an adult. but it's not late enough for her to be his friend. it's a nice sentiment.

and last but not least! this fic us two years old, goddamn!

Astrid Remond did not expect life after death. And after another death. And a third one, for good measure.

She also did not expect meeting the protagonist. (And falling for them.)

(Or: Reincarnation, the fourth wall, and the slightly eldritch nature of customizable player characters.)

even if i'm not really into loh anymore for various reasons, a lot of the characters are still near and dear to me! lord/astrid is such a ship and astrid is a really fascinating character, and i wanted to explore that. when she came back in extreme mode, i was floored. also floored that my joke that she got isekai'd was actually true.

i also used a custom skin to make the text blue!! look at that!!

honorable mentions for "fics of mine i really like" go out to One Whole Boy, Sunny-side Up, Jailbreak, and dusk of a new night.

thank you for giving me the chance to gush about my fics!!! i have fifty five of these now, jesus christ!! i cant believe i've been writing fic for. five years now. FIVE YEARS!! THAT'S A LONG TIME!! that's a quarter of my whole life so far actually.

#Feli gets asked #feli writes #ehehe. i am deeply flattered by this ask by the way.

[hussyknee]

Genuinely didn't know that "go die" is as much suicide baiting as "kill yourself". "Die already", GDIAF and stuff like "jump off a cliff" and "please go drown" were so normalized and casual since I first arrived on the internet twenty years ago. "Die" just sounded like "fuck all the way off".

It was "kill yourself" that was understood to be a nuclear thing to say, and Not Done. It's that phrase that has a fuckload of trauma for me, because it's the favourite one of antis, many of absolutely do want you taken out of the world because they believe you're a pedophile or pedophile supporter. ("Pee yourself" is also one that became popular during with rise of tumblr, which is clearly ableist and I always registered as sadistic schoolyard bullying.)

But it's been about 8 years since this trend started surfacing, so I was wondering whether hearing these things all over the place, especially from people they believed had the "right" politics, had normalized it the same way the internet culture of my generation defused the word "die".

Otoh, I have seen people reblog posts saying "kill yourself" tagged #yassss go off #tw suicide baiting. What the fuck. They know it's wrong, they know it's harmful to mentally unwell people, so they trigger warn and endorse?? What kind of brainworms?

But then again, I was also dead convinced that "go die" and "kill yourself" had different connotations and cultural understandings, because I've never seen anyone treat the former as suicide bait. I googled it and saw our favourite Elder QueerTM doing what they do best, which is yelling at some poor kid who made the same assumptions I did, but made the gaff of trying to defend it in an info post. But I know they're a few years older than me, so I wonder whether "go die" was not a casual phrase for their internet generation, and therefore registers as nuclear as "kill yourself".

Yet another person said on the same post that as a suicidal person, "go die" and "kill yourself" both meant that they were a worthless as a human life and should commit suicide. I don't know this person's age or generation, but it begged the question – can culture really "defuse" phrases and terms at all if the meaning is still the same? Is there such a thing as cultural diffusion? I'm likening it to how "cunt" is a nuclear insult in North America, but a casual one in the UK and Australia. I can't tell whether that's a false equivalence or not.

I'm aware that dehumanisation and deliberate and malicious callousness is a hallmark of purity politics, and those tags show that the kids know that "kill yourself" is suicide baiting, unlike people like me, who truly didn't know that "go die" could be taken seriously by anyone. But I'm wondering whether they believe that the people they target also couldn't possibly take it seriously, because it's so ubiquitous as to be meaningless to them. Whether "kill yourself" is just a phrase you can say to get a rise out of older people, and only as harmful as any other trigger.

I say kids, but I see this most among people in their late-teens/ early-20s. They're legal adults and being part of the working and voting public while still believing they have no power to seriously harm older people just makes this behaviour even more serious. But I still believe that a large part of it is simply immaturity and the young adult tendency to see older people as stupid, regressive and oppressive. I think this increasing age segregation of social media circles is creating an alarming amount of insularity that is allowing this attitude to become entrenched and propagate, rather than run its course as it should.

Fact of the matter is that culture creates cognitive dissonance and commonsense notions. Sometimes they're not a big deal (unless you're autistic. RIP) but sometimes they are. I want to give these kids the benefit of the doubt, because I'm as stupid as they are when you get down to it. But they sure make it hard.

#purity culture #purity politics #tw suicide baiting #suicide baiting #tumblr wank #anti bullshit #trauma #bullying #ageism #knee of huss

[snootlestheangel]

Fucking love when someone makes a suggestion about a WIP of mine

Like my friend irl constantly giving me suggestions about stuff I can put the ocs through. She understands and loves them well enough that she'll give me ideas (sometimes unintentionally and will be so upset when I tell her I'm going to hurt her favorite)

I just love people being so in love with your work that they have to come back and tell you about an idea they had for it

Thats what I really love about being a fanfic author is that it's something based on a mutual love and when that mutual love collides with something I wrote it makes me so happy. I'm just so glad that my brainrot inspired you as well and it's just because we love these characters so much we love putting them in situations!

Like yes! Give me your ideas! Help me hurt the blorbos! Help me give them love and affection! Help me put them in good situations and bad ones!

I desire to be infected by all the brainworms so please do not be afraid to give me your ideas! I may never use them or I may, or I might be somewhere in between but i still love hearing what y'all think.

Of course, I'm gonna absolutely put the blame on you if it means hurting the blorbos. In the kindest way possible I'm gonna blame you. I'm going to lovingly say something like "Thank you Anon for giving me the idea that inspired this chapter" after the most gut wrenching thing you've ever read

No matter what, if you say something in the comments on something I've written and it gives me an idea, I am 100% giving you credit no matter what I write.

Like it's incredible to get input on my stuff and hear an idea that I've never considered and it opens up a whole new plan

And obviously, this definitely does not apply to every fic writer out there, but it definitely applies to me.

#Brought to you by the comment on my most recent chapter of Unending Devotion #Those ideas are top tier and something I never would have considered #And now I'm plotting something evil #Oh it's gonna be so good #call of duty #Ao3 writer #fanfic writing #Unending Devotion #Snootles rants

[cheshire-castle-library]

Happy Tuesday Ask-A-Thon! Thank you for following us (@ask-a-thon) from the previous blog. Now, on to your questions! [What are some of your favorite themes to write? Is this different from what you read? What about tropes?]

Hello!! Thank you so much for putting this together!

I love writing about personal agency! Its something that I draw from personal experience, and I think is an idea that's important to share. It's the growth from thinking you have to be something or your circumstances made you something, to choosing who you want to be and fighting for it tooth and nail.

In my current manuscript, the MC has lived a life of duty split between his family and the secret space government mostly because he thought he had to - because others implied he had to. But over the course of dealing with the plot, he's eventually going to realize how much garbage that was, and how it robbed him of understanding who he was since he was always trying to be what he interpreted that other people wanted him to be. His growth is finally done when he decides exactly what he wants and moves mountains to get it.

Honestly I think this does show up in a lot of the things I read. I was a huge Percy Jackson kid/young adult, and when teen-kid demigod Percy held the Gods themselves accountable for their negligence - when he chose what really mattered to him at the end of the original series - I think it left an impact on me. And even in more recent things I've read, like The Witcher, I can tell that Geralt is heading towards a "stop living for your duty, live life, or else the eons are going to grind you to dust" kind of direction. (Or at least I hope that's the case, Geralt is so fucking tired please let the man know peace.) This Is How You Lose The Time War was also deeply embroiled in this idea, but that's all I'll say because I really want people to experience the all-consuming brainworms the way they were intended.

"Agency" is one of the secret ever-present rules of life, i think: that the baggage that holds us into some kind of mold or shape isn't real, that it's just the blinders someone put on us either because they had the blinders put on them, or because they can't stand to see someone live better than them - even though sometimes that someone is ourselves.

It took me way too long and way too much pain to learn it, and it took so many different exposures to finally think "Oh yeah, maybe Gerard Way My Chemical Romance was right... maybe I am living as the 'victim of a victim's life', maybe I can just choose to stop letting my situation define my self-worth." And it definitely wasn't that easy to implement, it took conscious thought and years of work -but the point is that the more ways people can be exposed to this idea the better! And so I'm determined to be one of those avenues of exposure.

It's, right now, the thing that drives me to write the most. I think all my stories come down to "learning to make active choice and square up to the consequences", and there's a ton of ways to do that so I'm not worried I'm writing the same thing over and over again. But I'll never stop encouraging people to try to own their lives, no matter how hard or how badly your choices turn out. The important part was that it was your choice, for your reasons, and you can choose again if things didn't go the right way the first time; because that's when you become unshakable. That's when you're life is truly yours.

#writeblr #my big mouth #space opera project #my chemical romance #mcr #pjo #tihylttw #percy jackson and the olympians #this is how you lose the time war #the witcher

[woeisme-iamwoe]

an absolutely massive Haikyuu!! fic rec pt. 1

I went through my entire ao3 history because I’m insane, AND here’s my favorites. (There’s not a lot of aus because I’m not a huge fan of them, and there’s no sad endings. I’m a hopeless romantic leave me alone. There is angst though! Lots) 

Beginning with SakuAtsu (I’m a hoe for Atsumu): 

Hide and seek, by badreputation (10k. E. canonverse) 

It sure is a good thing Atsumu doesn't have a latex allergy 

It’s just a fleeting infatuation. As long as he pushes through it he’ll manage. So what if nowadays there isn’t a night where he doesn’t dream of Sakusa pinning him down on his own bed, in the shower or make Atsumu go down on his knees in the hallway? Those are just pesky details.

Some Memories, We May Keep, by mika60 (31k. T. canonverse) 

This is canon, fight me on it. 

The missing panels, the missing games, the missing moments.

The them we never saw.

*Now complete! :)*

 every action has an equal and opposite reaction, by akanemnida (10k. T. canonverse) 

Miya Atsumu gets a modeling contract with Calvin Klein, which sets Kiyoomi's heart in motion.

(Or: Sakusa Kiyoomi realizes that the rules governing the universe are absolute rubbish at explaining matters of the heart.)

 Ass-fingering as a prelude to relations of the emotional kind: a case study, by neverwere (2k. E. canonverse) 

Fucking hilarious, the imagery is absolutely hilarious. 

"Marry me, he thinks, as he comes around Sakusa's fingers and all over himself.

This. This is exactly why you don't let strangers or very attractive teammates finger you out of the blue.

Everyone knows that the ass is the shortest way to the heart."

Or

When it comes to sex, Atsumu has rules. Guidelines! SOPs! He swears they work, they've always worked.

Until they don't.

 parallax error: angle of inclination, by min_mintobe (10k. T. canonverse)

But now there's the one person Atsumu'd promised himself never to touch. His eyes leave Atsumu breathless with guilt at seventeen, and he spends the next six years safe in the satisfaction of making things right.

Feelings, of the physical kind, and one kiss.

ft. competitive spirit, childishness, and late night conversations.

Atsumu POV.

 autumn ends, but we remain, by wolfsbvne (5k. T. canonverse)

Author says in their ending notes that they're not an ‘author’, but methinks they should write more and pursue that career path because this was wonderful.  

atsumu stares at his ceiling at 2am. he stares until he can make out designs in his popcorn ceiling. a cat there, an onigiri here, and then something that suspiciously looks like a mop of hair, triangle eyebrows, and oh those two bumps are moles right above what atsumu just mapped out as an eye.

(or, atsumu is in kind of in love. sakusa is maybe in like.)

I left a taste in your mouth, by emso (26k. E. bodyguard au)

Because obviously 

Sakusa fixes him with a vague expression of something like distaste. There's a scathing edge to his tone when he speaks. "Contrary to what you seem to believe, not everyone who meets you is instantly dying to get into your pants, Miya."

"Lucky I don't really care right now what 'everyone' wants to do, then." Atsumu swivels his mug around on the tabletop a few times, and then brings it to his mouth to drain the last few dregs of his latte. Over the rim of his mug, he adds casually, "Just you."

Whoa hey Bodyguard Omi, I think Spoiled Rich Kid Tsumu might possibly have a teensy crush on you. 

 How do you know you're in love?, by spiritscript (12k. T. canonverse)

Pure art

“So, how did you know you were in love? How did it feel?” Atsumu felt nervous asking this, a slight wiggling in the pit of his stomach, unable to look at the man beside him who rolled his shoulders in an attempt to reset his posture. “I mean, you didn’t resonate with what I said, so, what is love to you Omi-kun?”

Atsumu thinks he must be in love with Hinata Shouyou and so asks the best person he knows to help him understand his feelings

 san'yo expressway, 6:17 pm, by yamabota (13k. T. canonverse)

Of violent forethoughts, and handheld car vacuums. 

Atsumu tilts his head to watch a slice of orange light bend over the impassive planes of Sakusa’s face. He is absolutely, ruthlessly beautiful. It makes Atsumu want to punch something—put his foot through the windshield—scream, maybe.

Kiss him again, maybe.

They have 344 kilometers to figure this one out. 

Different Kinds of Dysfunctional, by DeathBelle (Series, 5 works. T-E. Canonverse)

Honestly, I think this one is kind of famous amongst Sakuatsu readers but I can’t not include it. If I recall correctly, this is the fic that got me into Sakuastu, so thanks, DeathBelle. The characters are portrayed really well (i.e. Sakusa is disgusted and confused, and Atsumu is a little shit). You’ve got a good balance between conversations and descriptive thoughts and all-in-all it’s just a really good read. 

 Atsumu said into the heavy silence, “You can’t say you’ve never thought about it.”

"Thought about what?" said Sakusa.

Atsumu smiled to himself, smug. "You know."

"No, I don't."

"You know. Of course you’ve thought about it. There’s no reason to be ashamed, Omi-kun. I’m a real catch.”

Sakusa was appalled. "You're disgusting."

"You flatter me. I'm not judging you. I can't lie and say I haven't thought about it, too."

Sakusa shifted, slowly, to peer over his shoulder. He wasn’t scowling, but his expression was unreadable. “Please tell me you’re joking.”

Atsumu wasn't joking, and he was about to get more than he bargained for.

i'll do anything you say (if you say it with your hands), by liliapocalypse (7k words. T. canonverse):

Oh, god. This one was so cute. Super fluffy. Loved the metaphors and symbolism. Sometimes you just can’t say things out loud. 

When a bad injury shocks the whole V. League, Sakusa finds himself paired with Atsumu for more rigorous assisted stretches before every training. Atsumu then finds himself writing random letters on Sakusa’s skin to soothe the spiker, forcing Sakusa to reevaluate how his touch aversion became an irresistible yearning for more, and how the boy with the annoying hair somehow brought that hunger to life.

Or, the fic where Atsumu mindlessly writes a confession on Sakusa’s back when he thought Sakusa wasn't paying attention. Sakusa always did.

 mortality is found is the flesh of your sins, by novrik (10k. M. canonverse)

This is literally my favorite fic of all time. Not just of Sakuatsu, not even of the Haikyuu fandom. Ever. Favorite fic ever. Listen, I’m an atheist, but this fic took me on a religious experience that I haven't come down from yet. The symbolism had me actually shivering, and I had to put my phone down quite a few times. Just, oh wow, just read it. I’d like to share my favorite line; ‘And if Sakusa is Eve, if he takes a bite, what then? Perhaps, he is a little afraid of the knowledge he will gain’. My god, author, if you ever see this, this is not only a plea for you to continue writing, but also an offer of marriage. Your hand, author?

 dickhead one, sakusa kiyoomi. dickhead two, miya atsumu. neither understand how to communicate.

Pray tell, why are you drawn to him?

Are you drawn to him in the way he looks beautiful even when crying?

When his eyes are red, shiny tears streaking down, lips quivering, is he beautiful?

 sakuatsu domesticity simulator, by pseudoanalytics (75 words. T. canonverse)

75 words because it's actually a digital art simulator. An interactive fic! How frickin’ cool is that? The art is so beautiful and I love the plotline and ugh, just everything. Please read, or watch, or click around, yes. Good. 

Update: artist created another interactive fic and of course it is wonderful. SunaOsa this time! https://newttxt.itch.io/cheesecake honestly just check out @newttxt their work is amazing and I love everything they do. 

a vaguely interactive mixture of fic, art, and html, where you too can experience the inherent romance of a big fat jerk and a too-blunt jerk attempting intimacy

***

(this is the result of letting the sakuatsu brainworms really get to you...)

 Pas De Deux, by hatsuna (19k words. T. Ballet/college au)

There's just something about prim, proper ballet Sakusa and human-benign-tumor Atsumu that makes my heart burst. Seriously gorgeous writing style, loved every second. By the same author who wrote ‘liminal spaces’ (which is also just perfect) so that should give you a good idea of the style. 

The mystery athlete gives Kiyoomi a once over in the mirror. “Yer pretty tall,” he observes. The twang of an accent rasps low in his throat. His brazen eyes drift to Kiyoomi’s legs, and something like exhilaration glints gold in his gaze. “Good quads, too. Ya ever played volleyball?”

 Ah. So it’s volleyball.

“I’m a dancer. Ballet and contemporary, mostly.”

 the affective presence of our black and white reruns, by kozumess (19k. E. canonverse)

Beautiful, classic misunderstandings, my heart actually physically ached at that one scene (you’ll know the scene when you come to it). Kiyoomi is so refreshingly relaxed(? Is that the right word to use? We all know Omi never truly relaxes). 

but the want, it's always there, constant like the static playing on every television channel, present even when the station disconnects.

 cut the conversation, just open your mouth, by meeksoo (E. 16k. canonverse)

Absolutely filthy...BUT WITH FEELINGS! Completely nails the Sakuatsu dynamic, and protective ‘Tsumu? Love it. 

Sakusa opens the door. He always does.

 They’re teammates first, barely even friends. But they hook up on the regular and it works. It’s simple, easy. But then a fan gets too close, Sakusa reacts, and Atsumu is swept up in how quickly things can get complicated.

__

As Atsumu palms himself over his briefs, still feeling off, he realizes it’s because he still wants it. Him. Sakusa. Even after already having him earlier.

He should probably feel self-conscious, mildly ashamed even, that he’s panting ‘Omi Omi’ into the dark beneath the steady thrum of the AC unit when Sakusa’s right down the hall, probably good for it if Atsumu ended up back at his door. Instead, he lays there, writhing and sweaty, alone in his hotel room bed thinking about Sakusa and touching himself.

Afterward, as cum begins to cool on his chest, Atsumu really can’t help but face the fact that things may be getting complicated.

 the hands that beckon me to come, by Ellieb3an (4k. E. canonverse)

So hot, what the fuck! 

The toss, the run, the spike-serve at the end of it all—Sakusa sees it happen in perfect clarity as if time has slowed and his vision narrows to the center where just Miya exists, all powerful muscle and extraordinary skill and that air of confidence.

Sakusa isn’t one of the best receivers in the league for no reason, so his body moves on muscle memory, forearms absorbing the sting of the hit. It’s not enough. But his eyes are still on Miya—on the way his shorts ride up his muscular thighs as he lands, on the bead of sweat dripping down his forehead, on the clench of his fist thrust into the air—when the ball ricochets out of bounds.

***

Atsumu stays late at practices to work on his new third serve, even when his frustration with it starts throwing off the rest of his game. Sakusa notices and starts hanging back to secretly watch him from the gym doors. He’s fascinated with Atsumu's determination... and more than a little turned on by it, too.

 you're the flame i use (when it gets dark), by starkartifices (55k. M. canonverse. Ongoing)

Everything is the same except the Sakusas are super rich. 

“Oh, if you want dear, you could bring a plus one. Though, I doubt you have a partner yet.”

“I do actually.”

“What was that, dear?”

"I do have a partner, I mean."

alt title: crazy rich sakusas 

 the inherent romance of classical conditioning (or; the fine art of emotional recognition), by pseudoanalytics (13k. E. canonverse)

Ah, yes. A Pavloved sex life. A Pavloved LOVE life?? 

It's stupid. Atsumu isn't a romantic, no matter how many times he's imagined laying Sakusa out and finally really touching him.

So there's no explanation for why Atsumu is constantly stuck thinking about brushing his fingertips against the meat of Sakusa's palms or the prominent tendons in his freaky wrists.

There's no explanation for why doing dishes sets off a warm burn in his ribcage, or why when he smells disinfectant he inhales like he's walking past a bakery.

Yer doin' this to me, he thinks furiously, as Sakusa derails his thoughts with kisses that come more and more frequently now. Yer conditionin' me, and I can't stop it.

 flutterbird (a collection of sakuatsu oneshots), by wordstruck (5 works. T-E. canonverse)

Works 1-3, I think follow a linear story, whereas the last two don't. 

All sakuatsu works are just the angstiest, most miscommunication filled pieces of absolute gold and this one is no exception. Wow. These men are assholes and they bring out the worst in each other, but I’ll be damned if they’re not soulmates. 

Collection of SakuAtsu fics. Several fics are loosely set in the same storyverse. Not necessarily directly connected and can all be read as standalones.

#haikyuu!! #sakuatsu #haikyuu fic #haikyuu fic rec #sakusa kiyoomi #atsumu miya

[lesbianbernardsumner]

I guess its over now, but it couldn’t have been that bad right?! After all, I’m still here, and you all helped me through it!!

alright this is gonna be messy and im not gonna autocorrect/proofread it but heres the essay on why i loved 2020.... While 2020 was, pretty objectively, one of the worst years for modern humanity. The obvious virus and all its, various strands of natural disasters, impending war threat, gender reveal parties, you get the gist. But i would love to just... look back and see how it treated me. See how it ran :). January/Febuary/March - the months are bunched up cause the least amount of stuff happened in them, but thats not to say that the stuff wasnt... good!!!! After all I met my first online friend (that im still friends with of course) @smilez4milez..! I cannot believe you withstood me for so long tbh........... youve been here the whole time!!!! thats obviously an achievemnt!!! Our circumstances for our meeting do not matter... trust me. April - Got my gender transed and i then id’d as demigirl!! and also had a birthday, i turned a whole year..... i believe this was also the time i... started using discord??? yeah, that sounds right :0) May/June - OOOH WEE DISK HOARD AAAAAAAAA. Ahem, Miles got me into Chuck E. Cheese and the Rock-Afire Explosion, i hold those special interests dear and close to my heart. Around the time i also made friends with @teamgay0tix (<3). Miles decided that he was gonna make an animatronic discord server. Titled the Robot Zone, Miles employed Sarah, Me, and another friendo named Teddy as the moderators. Not long after i met... so so many cool and epic people... uh off the top of my head @worthape, @bahrlee, @boredwiththislifetime, @retrowormz, @knave-woods, @verae. Not all of those were met in May/June but yknow gotta save time >:) and im sure im missing someone gdvhbuydhbdyh. WE UH RP’D AS CEC/RAE CHARACTERS!!!!! THAT WAS FUN :)!!!!!!! I DONT HAVE MUCH ELSE TO SAY AS MAY AND JUNE WERE SIMILAR MOTNHS IN TERMS OF FUN. SYHBDREYS. Oh and my laptop broke! So I was on my iPad for about 3 months!! Also my gender got transed AGAIN!!! I then-ID’d as genderfluid :o). July - HI CASPER @arcadecarpetz!!! THIS WAS THE MONTH WE FIRST MET!!! WE DO NOT TALK ABOUT THAT INTERACTION </3. So I got into the beatles late June/early July!! looks at my url lookat how that turned out huh...  Other things that happened during this month include... meeting @lovecore-ashe!!!!! I joined a certain discord server for a certain emoji blog we both happened to follow and... July was great i dunno why im being all stingy with the details etvfertyghdb August - Oh boy!! I discovered some cool epic things about myself (Emp knows.)!! got much better in the art department too!! I believe I also made friemnds with @hmmdotjpg here! They’re cool! Otherwise not much actually happened. Oh and @verae I FUCKING LOVE YOU/p September - HA! Here is when I got my shiny new laptop :), and with it i also got into Clone High!! Started to also get into Yellow Submarine, a movie which, I enjoy :). And a certain yellow submarine insta post got me and @arcadecarpetz to meet again!!! Now we’re on much better terms!! heh-. This month I left the Robot Zone, no matter how much it hurt, I simply didn’t want to be there anymore. I had got way too into animatronics and I was... very... very... burnt out. The final days of this month were good, I rewatched Yellow Submarine after a 10-Year Hiatus. It was good! :) October - SPOOK!!! HA!!! -COUGH- So you know how The Beatles like broke up in 1970... yeah i got into one of the bands made after them.... Wings good. I made a few more drawings for arcadecasper that im especially proud of, uh... OH YEAH AND I MADE A KETCHUP PRIDE FLAG FOR EMPRESS!!!!!!!! It is also now my most popular post! Cool!/gen .Two of my friends approached me and said they got into the beatles because of me that was pretty swagchamp. November - All of my memories from this month are MUSH. i literally dont remember what happened <3... oh wait yeah we got hte evil man out of office... that was preddy epic... OH RIGHT DESTIEL- December - My favorite season!! The end of the year was pretty swell. It was like everything good that happened to me was settling, getting cozier, just... being better. Like gently stirring the salt in a soup bowl... okay thats a weird analogy- I got into lemon demon too! And uh very glad i did. cause now i can say that cabinet man wishes you a karkalicious 2009 and i can actually understand it./j And all the lessons from all my friends I (probably indirectly) learnt this year... Like @smilez4milez!! You taught me to always be proud and glad!!! @teamgay0tix you taught me that affection always overpowers hatred. @boredwiththislifetime, no matter what your friend is doing, as long as its not hurting anyone, support them!!! @bahrlee, become a vampire/j. @hmmdotjpg, changing for yourself is more important than becoming someone you arent in front of other people. @worthape i dunno... i... bugs???? Im just glad you were here too :). @retrowormz you kinda just made me funnier!!! @knave-woods bro i literally idolize you tsygvfbsyh. @lovecore-ashe, drink ketchup and dont give a shit about what everyone else thinks/hj!! @verae, !!!!!!!!!!!!!! I DUNNO WHAT TO SAY YOURE LITERALLY JUST MY BEST FRIEND GSYHVFTEYWSH and of course, last but most certainly not least, Casper @arcadecarpetz WHERE DO I START ON HOW EPIC AND SWAG AND POGGERS YOU ARE AND HOW GREAT YOU HELPED MAKE THESE LAST FEW MONTHS... HHM- Well, maybe ill just leave it at “You pretty much taught me how to not be a jerk” okay!!! Man i got really sappy here wgvrtedgyshb I’m not sure if any of that is comprehensible!!! Its 2pm and i still havent actually started the day, but i wanted to write all of this down before it left my head. I know im missing probably important stuff but yknow... i have brainworms :O/j You are all... so cool... i just wanted to get that out...

#ok to rb #idk why you would but :)) #2020 essay #<- so i can find it later #vialogue #ALSO IN CASE YOURE CURIOUS THIS TOOK LIKE 2 HOURS IDK HOW I MANAGED TO STAY SO FOCUSSED RGDHBREYD #long post

[borisbubbles]

17. CZECH REPUBLIC

Benny Christo - “Kemama”

So first off, thank you for the nice commens. 😇The past few months haven’t been the happiest time for me, so thank you for your patience as I scraped my bearings together for another post! 😁

So I will now extend that same sympathy to Benny Christo, whom I think I damn fucking underrated. Let’s jump in~

ENTRY ANALYSIS

As one may expect i INSTANTLY liked “Kemama” because you know, it’s a fun, laid-back, tropical afro-breeze, completely different from anything else we would see in NFs and the year. EXACTLY the type of song I was hoping the Czech NF would deliver (and deliver they did, see NF Corner). This level of mild like swung into strong unironic like upon realizing that the title is a contraction of “Okay Mother” 😍 and the song deals with the subject of overcoming racially-tinged discrimination and rising above the hate. That just feels very poetic and apt? “Kemama” felt like the entry that had to overcome the highest odds in order to earn the respect it so fully deserves, and still hasn’t fully reached it.

.In our Western European bubble, comprised mostly of gays and left-liberal straights, we have a very grateful and universal acceptance of many different kinds of [lizard] people that make up Eurovision casts. Yet with “Kemama” we may have reached  an unusually grimy undercurrent of coded racism. 

Of course nothing I read was outrageously rancid, than Cod for that. The worst statement I read was a double-whammy of “EWW THIS ISN’T CARIBBEANVISION” and “WHY WOULD SOMEONE FROM *KENYA* WANT TO REP CZECHIA IN EUROVISION?”, and yes they first got the continent wrong and then *also* got the country wrong in the follow-up post and then they were torn limb from limb by a pack of aformentioned left-liberals. I’m sorry but i can’t not have any other response than laughter in the face of yet another fucking MORON faceplanting themselves with words like a... racist JK Rowling if you will?

Still, while I never read something outright vile about Benny doesn’t mean I found his deniers really annoying and they were! Think “Ew Solovey is ‘Too Aggressive’ it will NEVER DO WELL IN ESC”, a statement that isn’t coded nor racist (and yet extremely false and misguided), functioned as a similar idea by the same minds. A statement borne from the same breed of narrow-minded stubbornness which has caused elitist morons to be all “there is **SOMETHING** about “Kemama” i do *NOT* like and I cannot lay my finger on it... but I **DO NOT** like it at ALL. It won’t ever qualify because everyone will think the same way I do” -- Eurovision snobs, tiptoeing around racial coda in January 2020.

 They would also insist that Benny was “arrogant” because he was seemingly impervious to their (de)constructive criticism. Like, if you were a biracial butterfly living in a slavic country who had to deal with statements such as the above on a regular basis, you WOULD block out the noise. And if you heard them often enough you will start to block them out pre-emptively. DO YOU NOT KNOW HOW COPING MECHANISMS WORK?? (oh wait you’re white-privileged. Nevermind 🙄)

 So naturally, when Benny decided that he would revamp “Okay Mother” by adding in MORE African elements it only made me love him even more lol. 😍 Was it a bull-headed, contrarian and possibly really stupid decision? Yes, yes and absolutely yes. Was it worth it? Well he managed to incite even more meltdowns in a group of people I feel nothing but contempt for, so hell yeah? Eurovision was cancelled anyway so who cares how much ‘worse’ “Kemama” actually got. 

Okay, so we’ve arrived at the revamp.

Granted, it wasn’t the best ‘vamp, I’d be a fool to deny it. The new elements threw a wrench in the melodic balance of the song. Out went tropical laid-back fun, IN went that fucking guitar oh my god this is some Hotel FM piano levels of overbearing I swear. (nb: this still didn’t stop me from ironically stanning Hotel FM’s lame asses anyway 😍). However, it made the personal backstory that I loved and savoured take a backseat to the now inferior composition. 😭

Regardless, New Kemama was fundamentally the same song, and I fundamentally liked Old Kemama, so whatevs, it made no different to me. In the eyes of many Eurovision diehards we were experiencing WORST PRESHOW SEASON EVER (after three songs... lol) and nothing clinches this brainworm more than a revamp announcement. “OH MY GOD HE WILL RUIN IT! I CAN GUARANTEE YOU I *WON’T* LIKE IT”. Self-fulfilling prophecies, ya know? It certainly didn’t help when the official channel accidentally uploaded a vid with broken soundmixing (‘OMG HORRIBLE LAST IN THE SEMI!!!!’ calm the ever-loving HELL down) and took another FULL WEEK to upload the correct vid. The damage had already been done. Typing "SEE I TOLD YOU THE REVAMP WOULD BE SHITE HA HA HA” in the Kemama comment box really just is the ESC equivalent of reponding with “Actually, *all* lives matter :smug:” to a BLM support pamphlet, isn’t it?

NF CORNER

While not my favourite NF of the bunch, I found the Czech NF to be lowkey epic. Not epic enough to remember its name but regardless Czechvision or whatever marked the end of an era because it was also the last selection spearheaded by Jan Bors :o

I think I’ve made it clear enough in the past that I’m somewhat mixed on Bors Era Czechia - Lake Malawi were a toetapping good, Ickolas was a pockmarked, skin-crawling evil and the other three inhibit a purgatory somewhere between “moderately nice” and “moderate timewaste.”

Still, I have great respect for the man who orchestrated Czech’s comeback after scoring NINE POINTS TOTAL across three years with the mindset of “So what? Why says we can’t win?” so ofc I was all into the idea of the “EIGHT INDIE ANGELS, HAND-PICKED BY BORS HIMSELF” NF that would serve as his swan song.

Naturally things went down the drain the second Bors left, with one of the eight peacing and his successor cancelling the live broadcast (does anyone remember what exactly happened? I vaguely recall one was the cause of the other but lol it’s July can’t be bothered to factscheck (Factsczeck?) anymore, bitches.

Anyway, ON TO THE GOOD STUFF, and yes, there was plenty.

We All Poop - “ All the Blood (Positive Song Actually)”

Yes, as you can imagine I ofc IMMEDIATELY fell into like when I saw that chyron and invisioned the inevitability of the Czech Rep’s Rep immediately alienating every parent just based on their name alone <3 😍 w/e WAP quickly became that “Good but not great” song you find in every NF that everyone gushes over because it’s the whitest option available. Like, yes, “All the blood” is good, but musically it’s identical to Green Day and Twenty-One Pilots and god name ANY 90s-early00′s American Punk Rock band. For me the enjoyment came from the fact that WAP were openly crazy vegan fundamentalists and the VC clip actively condemns the use ANY animal protein by replacing the cattle and game with LITERAL HUMAN BEINGS. 😍 :fusedmarcintensifies: :kasiamosage:

Pam Rabbit - “Get up”

Ohhhh YES a glorious experimental Synth-Trap song only I could love and ofc I did. God what is there even to say; the provocative darkness of the verses combined with the swirling amorphousness of the chorus gives me LIFE. LUFF THIS SHIT <3333 Ftr, this was also the fave of Slovene Juror duo / synth angels / Boris faves ZALAGASPER, further proving their pathetic naysayers that they own all things music and the haters can suck a series of-

Barbora Mochowa - “White and Black Holes“

Lol, yes even with a “Get up” existing, there was a song I liked even more. Barbora proved a very competent Lana del Gay last year, but I was a YUGE fan of this year’s... Kate Bush-Björk blend of ethereal awesome. It is so soothingly beautiful and the rare example of a song that I find completely free of flaws. Were the competition not such a hard place, I’d be pissed she didnt win (at least she won the jury vote MASSIVE KUDOS to every alum on that) but w/e this selection had opions and I’m rather robbed of a “Kemama” than I am of a BRILLIANT IRREPLICABLE AETHERBALLAD. ~Danse balance sûr les white and black holes~

Elis Mraz & Cis T - “Wanna be like”

I *VERY* strongly felt that if the Czech Republic wanted to win ESC, they should have picked Elis and even now I STILL believe she could have won. That isn’t to say I gushed over “Wanna be like” because I find it kind of annoying lol. Yes, I LOVE an annoying female voice (:Tones&Icackle:) but Elis’s reaches a Camilla Cabello sort of place for me (good lord get Senorita OFF the fucking radio) and the Scat + White Guy Rapping middle-eight. 😬. However, the second I opened up the video clip for this paragraph and was immediately BLASTED by Elis murdering a ukelele and wearing a  “schoolgirl” outfit straight from a Japanese tentacle porn movie and OH MY GOD THE AGGRESSIVE TWERKING made me reconsider that hey, this min-sized Meghan Traynor actually kinda highkey owns, yo!  Yet, I’m not at all bothered we lost her in the Czech NF because we got UNO DOS QUATRO CINCO SEIS :fatmansplit: fill up the megameme slot instead, so...

Eurovision 2020 vs Eurovision 2021

BENNY RUINED HIS SONG AND NEVER WOULD HAVE QUALIFIED. jk I’m not a moron. Sure, “Kemama” wasn’t an easy sell because you know AFROBEAT in a contest where half of the people watching are fash (ie: all of Eastern Europe, who watch out of ~Nationalistic Sentiment~ 😬), but there are Kemama live renditions out there and he owns them SO hard lol. A few soundmixing issues really would not have stopped Benny from qualifying in that RIDICULOUSLY WEAKSAUCE SEMIFINAL are you fucking kidding me. He probably would’ve bombed in the Grand Final, but I mean it’s Czech and it’s not Ickolas so ofc it would have.

And Czech renewed him for 2021 regardless of the sceptics, woohoo! I think part of it was due the Czech not wanting to re-organize an ENTIRE NF from scratch without Jan Bors, but probably also because Benny owns live when he isn’t engaged in psychological trench warfare with actual human detritus <3 and also because the Czech fucking CARE about their artists and don’t drop them like a sack of rotten potatoes wtfshitprus.

Can’t wait for the moment when he qualifies and Efendi does not, etc, etc. 

FREAKY! FRIDAY! FACTOR!

I’d say that the core around which the Ben Drama spun was pretty standard fare: niche fave beats out the concensus fave, meltdowns ensue, people convince themselves it was the WRONG decision because it wasn the result they wanted, try to disown the song and make a fool of themselves because the song slaps, sorry. Even the revamp drama felt more of less generic for me, because yawn fantards melting down over a revamp of a song they don’t even like what else is new.  

However, what I do take away that the revamp was ENTIRELY Benny’s idea which he told no one about (cue to JAN BORS having a social media meltdown like he’s Caesar at the Ides of March 💔) added MORE afrobeat just to troll his haters even more <3  God, I’d say it was bad from a musical perspective but this level of in-your-face defiance is fucking iconic and hilarious, sorry. This entire this year is so batshit bonkers that the concept of a someone potentially shooting themselves in the foot and “torpedo’ing” their qualification chances  (not rly, he would’ve Q’d anyway lol) JUST to take the moral high ground in a racially coded argument only HE took seriously may not even be the craziest concept in the year! (lol it definitely isn’t. Look at the pics I haven’t greyed out yet)

This and more yield Benny some well-earned Senheads! Yay!! 

Score: 3 Senhits out of 5.

#Eurovision #Eurovision 2020 #Eurovision Song Contest #Czech Republic #Czechia #Bohemia #Ben Christovão #Benny Christo

[in-tua-deep]

it’s past midnight so it’s shitposting time lads!! so i have this weird little au that’s been rattling around in the back of my brain that goes a little something like this:

Dolores is the personification of the universe

because why the fuck not?? anyway, so it’s like this: once upon a time the universe watched as forty-three impossible possible children were born. It’s not that they were born out of nowhere it’s just they were... nudged, a little to the left. Switched places. A universe where a girl decides to go home with a boy instead of with her friends. A universe where someone stays with their boyfriend instead of breaking up. A universe where a couple doesn’t sleep in and decides to have a little fun. Forty three possibilities that never came into being, except the world is nudged and they happen anyway. All at once. All on the same day.

and okay, maybe the universe focuses a little bit on the umbrella academy. She’s allowed to have favorites, whatever. And she especially loves the ones who, in their very own ways, can see her. Can touch her. The child that jumps and the child that summons.

And because she loves them (how can she not?) she sings to them. They can’t hear her, but it’s the thought that matters. Except - maybe they can hear her. Just enough. The more they use their powers the more they can hear her (oh but number six is so very afraid, he uses his powers hardly at all) and it manifests as having like... really good gut instincts. She sings ideas at them, and they just assume that the thoughts are their own. The universe doesn’t mind. She was never one who cared much about credit

and then Five time travels, and that hearing is ramped up to like, an eleven. Because there’s a difference between jumping and between time travelling, from jumping feet first through every possibility the universe had to offer and being spat out again

so now when the universe nudges at her impossible possible boy, he’s aware that it’s not just his own gut feeling. It’s something else entirely.

He names her Dolores.

She loves her impossible possible boy, and even though he can’t hear specific words she can send feelings at him. Comfort and love, disapproval at silly plans, vague suggestions and ideas of how to survive. But that’s all she can do. She can’t hold him, can’t wipe away his tears.

So the universe needs a body. Something that her boy can hold onto, can hug. There are plenty of bodies around, it’s the end of the world, but she doesn’t want to hijack anyone. that would be rude

Which is where the mannequin comes in. Human shaped enough to bring comfort, light enough to tote around, and Five can wrap his arms around it and hug it. So the universe projects her idea to her boy, and that’s how he gets an actual face to go with the name he’s always given her.

And in the apocalypse he gets good at reading her projections, becomes the world’s first expert at deciphering the words of the universe. Of course, many times those words are scolding her impossible possible boy for drinking too much or for getting hurt or for dropping integers in his equations.

i dunno it was just a little brainworm just,, Dolores actually being the personification of the universe that Five can hear because he breaks the barrier between his plane of existence and every other one and she’s REAL okay and I just really fucking love dolores

#tua #the umbrella academy #five hargreeves #number five #dolores #delores #au where dolores is the universe #i just want there to be someone looking out for five #number five needs a hug #if someone wants to steal this feel free #i'm supposed to be doing homework right now rip #it's due tomorrow #hhhh

[felikatze]

give me the a brainworms i am deeply invested in this man

(0) (2) (3) (4)

okay first of all you asked for this. second of all if i am a little off track from the game that is explained by me just building thoughts like building blocks without looking back. third i was supposed to be studying for an exam but this counts as practice right? it's character analysis anyway lmao.

buckle the fuck up, my dearest anon, because I have sub headings.

1. A as the Player Character

Let me begin with why I am obsessed with this horrid little guy in the first place: he's a silent protagonist. I am always obsessed with protagonists. It's a law of nature. I love taking hollow characters and dissecting them for scraps. It's a long standing practice of mine.

Being a silent protagonist, A, as X, does not have a set personality. However, there are patterns. Firstly, as any semi-silent protagonist, A is a reactive character. He does not start incidents, he only responds to situations, presented by the Sephirah, as they arise. He does not actively seek out new information, merely going about the routine of expanding departments, but expresses curiosity when information is presented to him.

I'm aware fandom likes to characterize X and A differently, likely because they are initially presented as different characters. I, on the other hand, would like to pose the theory that they are more similar than expected.

I believe that A is also a reactive character, rather than active. Despite the fandom wiki describing him as stubborn, the goal A pursues with such fervor, the completion of the Seed of Light, is not actually a goal he set for himself. Carmen is the one who set this goal for him by leaving him her legacy.

Throughout the backstory we get relating to the Cogito Project, A is Carmen's assistant, whereas Carmen is the driving researcher. This is how many of the City's inhabitants seem to be; going with the flow of goals set for them by superiors. Yes I will get into his attachment to Carmen later.

The above is not to say A isn't stubborn. Once he has accepted a goal as his own, he will pursue it at all costs, as is obvious from any and all flashbacks leading to horrible deaths. But the point isn't his pursuit of the goal, but where that goal comes from. Even Lobcorp itself supports this, despite what Hokma may say; A as X follows the "simple" task of managing the Corp's day to day activities, and executes any mission given to him by the Sephirah. He outranks them, and doesn't actually need to do their missions, but does so anyway. Players are driven by the reward offered by those missions, of course, and A might be the same in that regard. Nonetheless, at no point in gameplay do you do anything somebody else hasn't told you to.

The overarching narrative of the Script would be the most obvious example. Every single person in the game follows the script, whether they know it or not.

Lastly on this note, a phrase we hear attributed to A, "Machines must behave as machines." Now, Angela may be attached to this phrase because it bears significance to herself as a machine, and informs most of A's unjust treatmeant of her. However, what if it doesn't just apply to machines? The phrase reads as such, "Everyone must act according to their own role."

2. A, Carmen, and the disease of the mind

So, A will at any cost pursue goals Carmen set for him. Question is, why? The obvious answer would be saying he's in love with her, which like, true. But also, how did Carmen come to be so precious to him?

Let us return to the comparison, "This is how many of the City's inhabitants seem to be." We don't really know why exactly most characters joined Carmen, excluding mainly Daniel and Benjamin. But this does not mean we can't have theories.

Carmen's ideal was curing the "disease of the mind." What is the disease? Complete hopelessness. The inability to form aspirations and dreams, to think of a better future. A is a very reactive character who does not set goals for himself. Therefore, I personally conclude, that initially, Carmen's ideology resonated with him because he could identify with the disease.

This is the point where I start rewatching Lobcorp story clips. Dear god.

So, by briefly binging day 27 onward, I've come up with lines that very much support this lil theory of mine:

First, from Carmen, a description of the disease, "People lock away their own potential."

Second, a line from Angela, after the memory synchronization, "You've locked yourself in this prison without bars."

Carmen describes A as humble, and Benjamin thinks he is warm. If I suppose A was one of the diseased initially, Carmen would be the catalyst for this change. Carmen was someone with big aspirations, with plans to heal what is wrong with the City, and it gave him hope. He was one of the diseased, but through time with Carmen, with that relentless optimistic spirit, he may have been cured, for a time. It's not a stretch to say that she was his light.

But lor shows us what happens when the seed of light sprouts wrong, doesn't it? It distorts. A grasped hope for the first time and then it is ruthlessly crushed. Carmen was everything. Yes, A is described as a jack-of-all-trades, as a genius in all pursuits he puts his mind to, but what does that matter in the face of someone who can unite people? Who can give them hope of a better world? Who can inspire them to actually use the talents they have?

And what kind of pressure is it to put the legacy of a messiah in the hands of the diseased?

3. A and the Perception Filter: A is weak to White damage

No, I am serious about that. He's extremely weak mentally. Obviously death of a loved one is a changing experience for absolutely anybody, but Carmen's death destroyed him.

Not only did he refuse to confide this grief to anyone and bottled it up, now everybody looked to him to lead the project, but he just isn't Carmen. He isn't an ambitious person, he doesn't have the same optimism, he can't bring people together, but people expected him to, and he failed. Hard.

While he was without a doubt talented in science, he was also just an average guy.

After her death, A grew to hate humans. He lost trust in them. He refused to confide in anyone, and be confided in by anyone. Thus, the team fell apart.

In both lobcorp and lor, we get interesting tidbits about precations taken to protect the manager.

Firstly, Lobcorp's perception filter. The cartoony art-style of the game is a result of the game being in first person. Through the eyes of the manager, everything is cartoony!

This is a measure undertaken to specifically protect the manager's psyche. Angela tells us that, before it was deployed, the manager would frequently go insane, one notable incident including the manager trying to hang himself. When we first hear this, the previous managers and X are still separate in our minds. However, they're all A! A went insane multiple times without it.

This is understandable, considering that employees also frequently go insane and try to kill both themselves and others. But they're there in action, confronting the Abnormalities directly. Just watching them made the manager go mad. They could not handle the responsibility for the employees' deaths.

In lor, Angela explains why she picked the Rabbit Team from R Corp as their main contractor instead of any other team. One team was simply too big for L Corp's narrow hallways, and the other team... dealt in psychic damage. It was simply too big of a risk for the manager. But the manager is always secure behind the cameras. Would that teams methods just be that brutal visually, or would their attacks have reached the manager?

Combined with his immense grief at all of his friends and coworkers dying in part because of him, A cannot bear to look at death.

4. A's greatest flaw: Avoidance

A common thread during Core Meltdown flashbacks: A refuses to look at suffering. He just can't. Whether it be looking away from Elijah writhing on the floor or hanging up on Daniel's panicked report of death.

This is actually the thing Angela takes the biggest issue with, and what hurt her most. A would never look at her, acknowledge her, and she did not understand why. But I think A did not refuse to look at her out of maliciousness. Rather, it was out of grief over Carmen. He could not look at her without being reminded of what he lost.

Angela's creation came about because A wanted someone to guide him, someone like Carmen. He threw himself into the project to the point it made Benjamin happy that A was passionate about anything again. But as soon as the project he distracted himself with is complete, he is filled with regret. Carmen cannot be replicated, and he breaks again.

Furthermore, tying this back to my first point about A being a reactive person, we see Angela take charge over A. She's the one recruiting employees and leading the business. It was likely a relief for him to be able to step down from the leading position.

But avoiding it made everything worse. He did not act when he saw Elijah's unchecked ambition, he did not act beyond a simple check at Gabriel's decay, he gave Giovanni the same hope he clung to to no avail, et cetera et cetera.

Avoiding his problems is making them worse and sending everything down the drain (including his psyche), so he deals with it the only way he knows how, avoiding them more!

Biggest example of A's big avoidance problem as his psyche crumbles: the memory wipe. A, in perhaps his one singular moment of acknowledging his emotions, recognizes that he is incapable of fulfilling the Script in his current state. His grief is just too much.

By erasing his own memory, he could start fresh without his grief, because he might've really killed himself otherwise. His suffering became bigger and bigger, and he coped by avoiding it.

The memory wipe allowed him to distangle his problems. Through his interactions with the Sephirah (which I will not individually detail for the sake of my sanity and because I dumped all this on a friend on discord already), he can deal with and actually process his issues one at a time.

As the motto describes, only by facing the fear can he build the future. Only by finally facing his grief and acknowleding it, seeing that the past cannot be changed and he has no choice to move forward, can he actually do so.

5. The Sephirah as ghosts

Lobotomy Corporation feels like a ghost story. I've touched upon this in my previous A post.

As you reach the Corp's lower levels, there are less Sephirah. First there are four. They act like normal employees, and do not breach into the story's underbelly until you reach their core supressions and the facade breaks. Second, counting Tiphereth as one, there are three. They still go about their duties, but they know what they are. Third, there are two, and the facade is gone. They know what they are, and they will tell you about the sins of the past.

And finally, you reach Keter, and there is only one.

This gradual decay of the facade is what really gets to me. I said that by interacting with the Sephirah, A deals with his issues one by one, but that's what the Sephirah are, in this case. Representations.

The people the Sephirah used to be are dead, and the Sephirah are their ghosts. The core supression involve putting these ghosts to rest. Doesn't it match the progression of a typical ghost story? Find the ghost, find what they used to be, and help them move on.

So, if everyone is a ghost, then A is alone.

But, behind the scenes, the Sephirah are still there. They are still people, and they have changed for the better, too. As always, A simply does not look.

(Does he even see the good others see in him? Does he look away from praise, too? Did he even realize Benjamin's admiration for him? Will we ever know?)

6. A's end.

A's progression of moving on would be fine and dandy if it did not end as thus: A does kill himself.

A sees himself beyond the point of no return. Everyone is dead. He is alone. Carmen is never coming back. He can't call it quits now, or else everything has been in vain. (Even if the last days show us a part of him wants to just quit, so badly.)

So, there's only one thing left to do: follow the Script to its ending. Fulfill Carmen's legacy at all costs. Death as the ultimate release.

This is the point where I admit I do not like the death as release trope. But the game does a good enough job as presenting it as the only option A had, or the only option he saw himself as having.

However, I've mentioned it before, I'll mention it again: A was not alone. Death was his release, but he left wreckage. In order to end his own suffering, he inflicted the same pain he went through on others.

Throughout the game, he moves on and pushes through. The ending shows that in reality... he didn't.

At least in lor the characters stick together and help each other heal.

This has been most of my thoughts on A, amounting to my longest analysis post ever, having taken me approximately two and a half hours to complete, and clocking in at 2337 words including up to this paragraph.

Thank you anon for giving me the incentive to verbalize all of this, so I can finally be at ease having inflicted my thoughts on everybody else.

#Feli gets asked #lobotomy corporation #ayin #library of ruina #also i saw apparently another fandom besides lc uses the ayin tag which is just fun to watch honestly #many characters could rival this word vomit probably but as i said i already inflicted most of my thoughts abt netz on my good pal borgor #thank you borgor for dragging me back into projmoon stuff. also curse you terribly #long post #Feli speaks

[akatokuro]

The Inevitable StS Rewatch, Episodes 26-29

Leo Aiolia is... an angry person, you say? I never would have guessed!

- This whole Aiolia scene is REALLY interesting on a lot of levels and does a lot for his character.

- I love his whole immediate reaction to just hearing that there are deserters on the loose - Sanctuary is a brutal, awful place even without the recent setup of the Pope making things even worse. You are more than likely to get killed if you are a trainee there. It is more than understandable that people would want to escape. But Lia's response is "you fucking morons."

- Well, Lia probably has baggage about people trying to "escape Sancutary" to begin with, but...

- Lia is a decent guy, especially for a Saint, but he's determinedly and deliberately Lawful Neutral as fuck. He jumps in for the deserter babies situation, is clearly stern and unpleased, but then deliberately "softens" to urge the babies to go back. He's not going to be cruel about it, and he's more "merciful" than a lot of Saints would be, but he's also not going to let them go. His preference is resolving this without having to kill anyone, sure - but if it really comes down to it, he's going to uphold Sanctuary Law.

- And then, of course, Lia gets thoroughly disrespected and shittalked to his face by a bunch of Silver fuckwits. Lol at even the trainees calling him "Aiolia-san" vs "Algol-sama." Like, dude... yikes.

- Aiolia is even kind of weirdly meek when protesting, stammering and trailing off and all. You’d never guess this guy is a Gold Saint going from the dynamics in this scene, who could effortlessly squash everyone involved here like a fucking bug.

- And finally, Lia is clearly off-put by the blatant cruelty here, but does he actually do anything about it, whether it's against Algol and Shaina directly or the broader situation? Nah.

- yumetabibito, being the filthy Aiolia-lover she is, went ahead and checked, and this scene didn't exist in the manga, and Toei almost certainly wrote it before the reveal in the manga that Lia is a Gold Saint. It's hard to imagine that it would exist if they had known, because it revolves around Aiolia getting no fucking respect. Presumably, all they had to go off of was that Aiolia cameo from the first chapter, which they seem to have mostly gotten "likes Seiya and Marin?" from. So they’re vaguely trying to align him with them as sort of a sympathetic underdog in Sanctuary.

- But even so... they somehow stumbled into a really good and fitting scene that adds a lot to his character with future context in mind!

- yume and I have talked about, well, okay, Lia gets shit on and bullied for being a traitor's little brother - that's an important part of his characterization and his motives - but where does the hostility towards him really come from? He's clearly well-liked amongst the trainees and the regular soldiers. Among the Golds - okay, yeah, Milo, Deathmask, and Aphrodite would give him shit. (Goddammit, Milo.) But most of the rest of them either don't care or would be sympathetic.

- Getting his face spit on constantly by SILVERS, though, makes a lot of sense and would be even more rage-enducing than getting spit on by his actual peers. Because the Silvers obviously feel "safe". They know that Aiolia can't actually fight back or do anything without validating everything anyone has said about him and his relationship and his brother. He has to take it. And the fact that he just takes it leads to even less respect, with him being seen as a push-over while Aiolia quietly fantasizes about stomping on their broken arms.

- So in that way, it makes sense with the shitty crop of Silvers that around that jerking Leo Aiolia's chain is thought of as actually sort of a fun, twisted game. They get to taunt a fucking GOLD, a "traitor's brother" and wave their dicks around in his face and all the Gold can do is seethe powerlessly.

- tldr; Aiolia is very angry, has always been very angry, and even though it came together like this on accident - scenes like this give a lot of depth and context to that endless, boiling anger to the point that it is really, really fucking funny that it was almost certainly Toei writing out of ignorance of who Aiolia really was. How Aiolia is treated, and how he responds to the situation - both with the deserters themselves and with Algol and Shaina being assholes - says a lot about him.

- Meanwhile, as ridiculous as the [REDACTED] are, I can't help but find the weird sci-fi HQ Saori and the Bronzies have early on charming in a really corny way. I bet Saori really misses leading from this setup compared to that shitty little stone bed and curtain they throw at her when she's at Sanctuary, jesus.

- Man, there really is a lot more SeiShiryuu service than I remembered in these earlier eps. Will never be my ship, tbh - SeiSao is my One True Love - but lmao.

- for some reason saints on a plane always cracks me up no matter how many times i see it

- (note that once again we set up hyouga rushing in to help and then getting there too late to actually do anything. beautiful beautiful failswan)

- every time seiya whines about hitting girls i want there to be a flashback to this bit of him smashing shaina into the cliff face

- Oh for fuck's sake, the Steel fucking S--

- Wait, what was I thinking. What was I talking about. I have no idea. THANK YOU SAORI YOU ARE TRULY THE BEST.

- Shiryuu vs Algol is probably one of the more engaging fights in StS, Gold Saints aside. It's fun to see Shiryuu try to find a workaround to the shield and everything he tries blowing up in his face until he's cornered into jabbing his own eyes out. The sort of contrast between Shiryuu being the Bronzie who has the best chance at actually finding a normal life and a normal happiness with Shunrei, and Shiryuu being the one who keeps throwing himself into getting mauled like this, is probably the most compelling aspect of the character to me.

- One of the things that's also nice about Saint Seiya as a shounen is that it really feels like all of the Bronzies, not just Seiya, are equally crucial members of the team and get their own equally important fights. Like, Shiryuu legitimately gets to star here and save everyone because Seiya fucked it up. I used to like Rurouni Kenshin a lot, but I remember, like, yes - Sanosuke got his "big fight", but it was very much because Kenshin graciously "let" him because he could tell it was important to Sano or whatever. Or in Bleach, where the question of the others in Ichigo's group contributing during Soul Society is basically laughable. Neither really feels like the case in Saint Seiya.

- This is totally where CLAMP got their eye horror fetish from though isn't it. God I still can't believe Saint Seiya is directly responsible for the existence of CLAMP...

- Nothing to really say about the rest of the episode, but I do have to comment:

- Dude, what the FUCK.

- ANY of the Bronzies saying shit like this about Mitsumasa is grotesque, but fucking Ikki actually sort of makes my skin legit crawl. What the fuck, Toei. SOMEONE BRING BACK THE REAL IKKI PLEASE.

- Shunrei is such a good girl. She doesn't deserve this shit, man. What she honestly deserves is the privilege of getting to stab Dohko to death in his sleep--I mean, uh, what?

- THIS WAS COMPLETELY FUCKING UNNECESSARY. WHO THE FUCK SHIPPED THIS ON THE ANIME STAFF I REALLY WANT TO KNOW

- In seriousness, HyoShun is really darling. I love how weirdly attentive Hyouga is to Shun all the time; it's a really charming recurring detail. I IMAGINE SHUN IS CHARMED BY IT TOO. 

- Hyouga's good point is that, despite his bluster, he really is a sweet kid who is 100% sincere all the time. He acts tough but it's not like he's tsun or defensive about showing people - mostly Shun - compassion and concern either.

- lmao and then Ikki ditches these losers I like how after the HyoShun he instantly starts acting a million times more in-character. Did seeing the swan touch your little brother enrage you enough to expel the brainworms at last, Ikki...?

- Saori and Ikki are really good in this scene, though. I love everything about their quick exchange - Ikki being contemptuous and defiant of her, Saori answering without hesitation "HELL YES DO WHAT I SAY" when he asks if she's ordering him around. Both in how cool Saori is, but also her frankly falling back onto really bad habits dealing with the Bronzies when she's sort of panicking and doesn't know what to do. I love the scene of her lamenting about how she couldn't stop Ikki and obviously feeling like a fuckup by herself later, too. I really do appreciate that there is attention given to the arc of Saori learning to be a leader.

- I love Sanctuary openly referring to Saori as their leader, even without knowing she’s Athena, too. Damn right she is!

- Though I do still really think Saori should have been more involved in confronting Ikki when he was still extremely (justifiably) buttmad about everything. The idea of those two having a weird, special understanding about what Saori has to answer for would have been really cool...

- AND THEN SAORI GETS KIDNAPPED BY CROWS. YOU KNOW WE'RE BACK IN CANON, BECAUSE INSTEAD OF EVIL NEFARIOUS BUGS, WE HAVE EVIL NEFARIOUS BIRDS!

- Next time: THE SEISAO APOCALYPSE, MOTHERFUCKERS, OTHERWISE KNOWN AS: THE DESTRUCTION OF SEIYA’S BRAIN

#rewatching sts #aquarius camus did nothing wrong

[themanicgalaxy]

SPN 5X11 Sam, Interrupted

wait Psych also had an interrupted episode the BRAINWORMS

So I have my presentation tomorrow whee

also I can't believe Misha Collins joined tik tok today, truly unparalleled

man I hope this one is chill

oh someone being hunted by a monster and people diagnosed her, but she can tell the difference

kinda like Anna but still Vibe

"there is no such thing as monsters" sir

look they're cliche, but the visuals are cool

oh god and she's dead

and no one believes her or them

it looks like a suicide jesus

seriously does no one clock the van halen

YES BABAR THEY CLOCK BUT NOT VAN HALEN?

"I'm a lil depressed doc, I started the apocalypse"

oh my fucking god oh my fucking god they just tell the truth

"oh an angel on your shoulder"" nono, his name's castiel, he wears a trenchcoat"

I LOVE THIS

"yeah can you fix him so we can go back to hunting monsters" i'M FUCKING CRYING

THEIR LITTLE HIDDEN PLEASED SMILES

ah so it's another one of Dad's Friends of course

ah Dean isn't coping with Ellen and Jo of course he isn't

people get old ig

ah so Dean doesn't believe them, Sam gives them the benefit of the doubt

man I miss the formula, at least a little

ah yes the dangerously codependent relationship

he sounded so sad though

ah jeez imagine being so panicked but no one believes you, jesus

where'd the narcissism come from, huh?

Dean dude I'm so fucking sorry

the matter of fact conversation is actually...very fun dialogue but also big oof

boy he's fucked up lmaOOO

ah yeah he didn't take therapy well go figure(unfortunatly I know what he means)

I cannot figure out how to spell that for the life of me it's fine

"back off Dean" also feels pointed

ohh right last episode

is it like...whoever saw it, it goes after them first?

oh GOD THAt's a deep cut

Sam what the ACTUAL FUCK

SAM THAT IS A BONE SAW

SAM THAT IS HIS BRAIN

Sam: Dean look! isn't this wack it's a brain that's been sucked dry!

Dean: SAM WE GOTTA FUCKING GO

weird boy Sam

Dean what the fuck that worked

"crazy works" sir

wraith?

it's the nurse isn't it

it IS a perfect hunting ground

oo nice shot

ah the mirror

"you think you have to save everyone" oof

thanks John

"how do you get up in the morning" "good question" :(((

and the heavily implied drinking problem

jesus that was horrifying

so the nurse is Sam this time?

this feels like...REALLY fetishy

"we know what happened in-"

dean's little "dude, why"

this sounds like Bobby

ah the knife

it's the nurse you guys I promise

DAMN dude you got a lot of anger you need to work off huh

they got it wrong, I tOLD YOU

LMAO THEY GAVE HIM STUFF

"you always were a happy drunk" that's right we rarely see him drink

"you've been at least half crazy for a long time" oof

"since hell" oh come on give more of that please

nah happy unangsty Sam is so cute

"I'm fine" sir

MEG?

how does she know about the GED and give em hell attitude I love that quote

oh god he's not talking to anyone?

oh good he's actively hallucinating

but she can't...cuz they acted her like...she was real?

ah fuck poor Dean

ah he's not delusional, he's angry

yeah that tracks

"barely even human" o p e that's the thing he's sensitive about

actually they're both just...good at hiding it

oh my god they're both hallucinating

ah fun he's having fun, he's just completely losing it

Dean is just panicking in a corner jesus CHRIST

boy they're all..so FUCKED

"yeah we'll get there eventually, but the Coincidence" dude come on just think about it

jeez this man has a hundred million neuroses him trying to focus is Insane

oh the Other nurse? yeah ok

sexy monster nurse is totally a fetish I swear

ah so it's the creepy nurse, good ok I was right

It was pretty clear but still

Dean is Not Having a Good Time

ah the blood spatter

sam and the restraints

bro she was so obvious

ah she checked them in didn't she

ah so there was ALSO a reason for crazy brain

"well I helped, but you were always angry" lmaooo

"you build your own hell"

"you think this is gonna go well for you kiddo" "no but I'm crazy so what the hell" lmAOOO

bro he is BARELY hanging on

OH M Y GOD HE RIPPED IT OFF

and she's dead so the visions stopped

"i'm mad at everything" oh poor guy

listen he got like no autonomy ever, he gets to be like this

poor selfless idiot

Dean do nOT BURY IT

THAT I S HOW YOU END UP LIKE MARTIN

YOU FUCKERS ARE TERRIBLE FOR EACH OTHER

ok so

1. Dean. Dean hides everything, he absorbs it, he keeps going because that's what he was taught to do

2. Sam. Sam's anger driven, and emotional, and more importantly, gets so little choice in anything, and is always just Fucked. good exploration of this dynamic, but unfortunately, it got written of as "eh it'll be fine," which strangely enough I don't think this was the point.

3. hunting BAD. Like this was very clearly a "how hunting fucks you up" thing, or how you have to be fucked up to do it, and how they'll end up crazy like that. Like this is so much Not Escapism I'm so confused by the message, it was a different writer probably.

4. ok but like cinematpgraphy was good and parts of this were like...ironically funny

5. the baddy was fun! like obvious but her villain speech was good, she was scary, there was logic for the crazy brain even! it was cool!

#pawswatchesspn #5x11 Sam interrupted #it was a very good episode #I just think it maybe muddled it's message?