Something that got me curious about the whole deal Zuko and Iroh have with the concept of destiny is how ingrained in their minds it is concerning stuff that they believe must be theirs at any cost or it is theirs from the start because they feel it or say so despite the evidence against such sentiment or how questionable it is. And that got me wondering: what if it was a family thing? And well, I rewatched a fragment of The Avatar and the Firelord episode because I wanted to know if this destiny stuff had started during the several years before Sozin and Roku met each other again. Guess what? It did happen during that time or that is what Sozin’s dialogue implied: “I've been thinking hard about the state of the world lately.” Lately as in the several years before Roku’s return? Or lately as in the time it took Roku to ask Ta Min to marry him until the talk they had during the wedding party? Anyway, Sozin had been thinking and that’s where “destiny” comes into play: “Right from the start, I was destined to be Fire Lord. And although we didn't always know it, you were destined to be the Avatar. It's an amazing stroke of fate we know each other so well, isn't it?”
With that mentality, Sozin believed it was also destiny to expand the Fire Nation, to “share their prosperity with the world” and that both best friends had this great future handed to them until Roku refused to be part on his delusions of power.
Other thing that is interesting is that even when Sozin had been thinking lately about such destiny, maybe there was an external influence that pushed him toward it, like his father’s teachings or words, or the greatness of former Fire Lords and what they had accomplished to make him believe world domination was his “destiny call” to make history.
Still, this context is super intriguing because it puts more weight into this mindset that we’ve seen on Zuko and Iroh. It’s not just reaching the top and make your mark on the world, it’s also like a family tradition. Though, while it was both of them for Iroh, for Zuko, destiny was tied to his self-worth too. Beyond the typical entitlement of a prince, there was also this high value his father had put on concepts like power, strength, dominance that were deeply connected to being a ruler, to be on the throne, and concerning the throne, that was also on a high pedestal. Heck, Ozai even created a new throne by naming himself the Phoenix King because he believed that was his destiny. So, when Zuko was stripped from his title and banished, his destiny AKA the throne, was taken away from him. No destiny means you were worthless or you screwed up so big you didn’t deserve to be close to what you have been told should be yours as long as you showed your power.
The same happens with the concept of honor, Zuko thought he was trying to restore it but in the end chasing Aang was just to please Ozai and get his love and approval. Honor and destiny are tied to his self-worth and this imaginary path he had paved in his head: getting his honor back means he finally did something right and he’s not a failure anymore, fulfilling his destiny means he has reached his true potential and is not a worthless excuse of a prince but someone worthy of the throne that is the embodiment of that potential.
The problem is that this attachment is not only unhealthy but also dangerous. Nor the show or the comics push Zuko to understand and come terms to with the fact that the throne is his not because of destiny but because of how the family inheritance structure works: if you are the firstborn, you will rule, if you aren’t, you won’t. And in very rare ocasions, if there were in ancient times, if the firstborn died on birth or childhood, another baby would have to take their place. Oh, but let’s not forget that he wasn’t even on the list, it was Lu Ten until he died on the Siege of Ba Sing Se and then Ozai schemed against Iroh and killed his own father to steal Iroh’s birthright, so Zuko’s case can be categorized as a special one of brother’s treachery and power usurpation.
Besides, by putting so much focus on destiny as this grand treasure that “he oh-so-rightfully deserves” it takes away the real struggles he had to endure to make sure the country is ruled appropriately. Sure, he was shown determined to restore the world with Aang after the war as a Fire Lord, but the comics have made him regressed a lot on character development making him incredibly entitled, abrasive, harsh, making poor decisions in politics, and arrogant by talking about how the throne is his and that’s law, blah, blah, blah. Though, to be a bit positive about how the comics portrayed Zuko, I have to say that they make him look like an ATLA version of Democles.
Have you ever heard of Sword of Democles story? He and the king, Dyonisius, swapped places and Democles starts enjoying the luxury and glamour of a king’s life, thinking that royalty is only that. He couldn’t have been more wrong because above the throne was a sword hanging by a single hair of a horse’s tail to depict the crude reality of being a king: facing multiple enemies and dangers that could eliminate him to take his throne.
Did Zuko have a sword hanging over his throne by a single hair? Technically, no. And symbolically, the comics made sure he was untouchable or that he got out of any trouble without confronting him with hard questions and realities in regards of always thinking the throne is his destiny instead of a duty based on loyalty to his people or how warped his sense of worth is by tying it to power. And honestly, with all the backlash I’ve read toward the comics, I doubt Zuko will be faced with such challenges.
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WROTE THIS IN LIKE AN HOUR IGNORING A BIG ASSIGNMENT I HAVE DUE TONIGHT SO GTG BUT HERE IT IS, THIS FIC WAS THE ORIGINAL CONCEPT FOR I CAN'T MISS YOU (the fic i wrote that we do NOT speak of that was embarrassing) THAT GOT LOST ALONG THE WAY I DID NOT REREAD IT SO IF THERE'S GRAMMAR MISTAKES SORRY
word count: 2036
Rich heard from friends that Jake had spent almost every waking moment in the hospital while Rich had been in his coma. According to them, Jake had been worried sick. He talked about Rich constantly, asked about him repeatedly, paid hospital bills, and brought flowers and gifts every other day.
They also tried to tell him that Jake being incessantly clingy ever since Rich had woken was natural, that it was kind.
Rich was pretty sure it was a trick. There was no way Jake, who had everything and lost everything, could forgive Rich in a heartbeat. Rich knew Jake was perfect from day one, admired every inch of him before Jake even knew Rich's name, but this was too far. This was unnatural, the self-destructive part of Jake taking over rather than an angelic act of kindness.
"It's okay," Rich said for the umpteenth, "If you need time or space, or—"
"Rich," Jake said, smiling down at him, "I promise. I forgive you."
Rich studied him, searching his face for the lies in his words. He was just the same as Rich had left him: soft lips that formed soft smiles, light freckles like stardust from the heavens, a thin line between his eyebrows from all the times he scowled down at his homework, frustrated that he couldn't be perfect first try.
"Are you s—"
Jake grabbed Rich's unbandaged hand and squeezed gently. The touch had Rich seeing stars.
"Yes. A hundred percent. More than that. A thousand. A million. Whatever it takes to convince you."
Rich looked down at their hands, his cheeks matching his faded-out streak.
"So," Jake said slowly, as if he was explaining something to a toddler, "I really, really do want you to move in with me, okay?"
He squeezed Rich’s hand again, and when he pulled back there was a key pressed into Rich's palm, cold and metal and real.
Rich couldn't talk. He nodded rapidly like a lovestruck girl who'd just been proposed to and cried into Jake's varsity jacket when he got to see their apartment for the first time.
It was too easy.
Setting up Rich's new room was too easy. Making dinner together was too easy. They'd gone from friends to nothing to roommates as if nothing had ever happened—there should have been some difficulty. Some adapting. But when Jake hugged Rich from behind, using Rich as a makeshift cane while his real one leaned against the kitchen island and whispered, "You're the best thing to ever happen to me," Rich was suddenly forced to forget that life could ever be too easy.
Friends to lovers was the same as friends to roommates. Rich confessed to Jake on the couch and Jake dragged them to the shower, turned on the water, and kissed him amidst the steam.
"What the fuck?" Rich said, smiling so hard the conviction in his words was lost to sugar-like giddiness.
"I'm not giving you some lame-ass first kiss. Hence: kiss in the rain."
"We're in a shower."
"You're a buzzkill."
"You're an idiot."
"You're a dick."
"Suck my dick."
Jake gave him an ingenuous smile and, like an overeager virgin, promptly stuck his hand in Rich's pants.
Rich didn't think about anything being too easy as Jake took him to dinner a week later, or pecked him on the cheek while walking down the school hallways, or left bruises on his neck in the quieter parts of the library. He only reveled in the feeling of being loved, of having everything he'd never dreamed of without voices screaming in his head and electricity shooting up his spine.
Jake was safety. Being wrapped in his arms was like having everything else erased and blurred into unimportant lines of text, a book Rich no longer had to participate in. He wasn't a determined main character, a traumatized side character, or a comic-relief love interest. He was only Jake's, and everything was perfect that way.
Until some terrifying climax started hovering on the horizon and Rich lost the privilege of living in just the rising action.
Jake held on too tight. Stayed up too late. Talked too long. He filled every moment of silence with desultory rambling, never giving Rich the chance to ask are you okay?
The terror of losing Jake lived in every molecule of air Rich breathed. There was no SQUIP in his mind to tell him when he was messing up anymore. Every word Rich said could have only been making it worse and he'd have no idea.
He stayed up late overthinking every interaction with Jake, searching for the exact moment he'd fucked up. It must've been something terrible. Earth-shattering. If Jake could forgive him for Halloween but not this, it must've been something so purely unholy even the devil wouldn't know what to say at the sight of it.
Rich stared at the wall in front of him, sorting through memory after memory clumsily; messily; desperately.
"Are you awake?" Jake whispered, voice thick with unshed tears. The noise was sudden and jarring. But, as Rich was learning, if he spoke he might only make it worse. If he gave any indication that he was awake then Jake might force them to talk until everything they'd mended shattered.
Rich stayed perfectly still. He kept his breathing level. He just wanted one more night of Jake holding him, his nose pressed against Rich's spine as he got as close as he could. One more night.
"I miss you," Jake continued. The way he said it, like the moon and stars above were telling him not to, made the words sound thick with shame despite the seemingly innocent, even benign, implications behind them. "I miss you so fucking much and I—I... I'm so sorry."
He burrowed his face into Rich's shirt to muffle a quiet sob. Rich felt Jake's words like acid in his mouth.
"It's not fair. It's not, it's not." Jake pulled back just long enough to gasp in a breath of air before pressing his face against Rich again. His hands were shaking and clutching Rich's torso hard enough to leave bruises.
"I love you. I love you so fucking much it's going to kill me, and—and it's you, I swear it's you, I love you."
Chloe. Christine. Madeline. Penelope. Jackie. Helen.
Rich trusted Jake with his soul, but the guilt in his voice and stature had the name of every girl Jake had slept with bobbing to the surface. Kayley. Aurora. Nina.
"But—" Rich's heart stopped. “—but...before. The squip. He—fuck."
Jake wrenched himself away, ripping his arms from around Rich to wrap them around himself protectively.
"Fuck. I feel so fucking naive. It was manipulation. I know that."
His words were getting louder, edging on yelling now that Rich wasn't there to muffle the sound. Still, Rich kept his breathing steady. He was asleep. He wasn't hearing this... this... what? Confession? Break-up speech? He was going to puke if he thought about what this could all be leading up to for a second longer.
"And…and he wasn't real. And it was just a robot catering to my every need and want, but fuck, he was my best friend. And you're so different now, and I love you for it. I love you like this. I can't do this, because I've got you right here, I do, I love you, but I lost my best fucking friend, and everyone's acting like I'm supposed to be fine with it and I just—I can't—"
Oh. Jake missed squipped Rich.
Rich's eyes were wide open, staring blankly at the wall in front of him. Jake was behind him, sitting upright with his hands tangled in his hair. Rich could hear his breathing, echoey and raw, heaved in and out with the desperation of a madman.
"Fuck. Fuck. You should've just killed me. You should've locked me in my bedroom and watched me die. Put me out of my fucking misery instead of letting fate torture me like this."
Rich had to put a hand over his mouth to stop a sob from escaping. Jake was too lost in his rant to notice, leaning back against the wall with his head tilted back to glare at the ceiling.
Rich could feel the remnants of the SQUIP scraping at the back of his skull, begging to be let out with a new, desperate fervor that Rich was sure he was feeding into. At that moment, with his eyes squeezed shut and his hand over his mouth to hide his crying, he wanted it back in his mind, if only to erase this night from his memory. If only to make Jake happy.
"I love you," Jake whispered. He sounded empty now, his anger placated by the catharsis of confessing to the dark. "I love you so fucking much and I can feel myself pushing you away and I can feel you letting me and for the love of all things good and holy, you have to stop me before I ruin the best thing to ever happen to me just because I'm a fucking coward who can't move on from some robot."
Rich didn't want to stop him. Rich agreed. He missed who he was. He missed the easy confidence, the straight-As. The sauntering down the hallways and having everyone bend to his will just because they liked him. He understood what Jake missed. He missed it too.
"Please, please. I can't do this anymore. I can't miss you like I do when you're right in front of me—"
"We both miss him,” Rich whispered, “It's okay."
For a moment, Rich was convinced Jake had ceased to exist. That he'd simply evaporated. He didn't speak, didn't move, didn't breathe. It sounded like his heart had stopped in his chest.
But then, slowly, his voice trembling, Jake choked out, "...Rich?"
Rich rolled over, unashamed of the tears on his cheeks.
"Yeah?" he replied, sounding casual compared to the destruction tearing through every neuron inside him.
"How long have you…?"
He didn't even need to finish his question to know the answer. He stared down at Rich through the darkness, eyes glistening with tears that matched Rich's.
"I'm sorry," he breathed, "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it. I was just rambling, I swear, I didn't... I didn't..."
Rich shook his head. The lump in his throat hurt too much to talk, so he was forced to simply sit up and throw his arms around Jake's neck. Jake didn't hug him back, instead hovering helplessly, his hands up in the air like he was surrendering.
"You love me?" Rich rasped.
"With all my heart. I swear, I swear it, okay? I hate myself for—"
Rich shook his head against Jake's neck. "No, no, it's okay. You love me, but he was different. Fuck, he was so easy. He could just...he was so much better than me."
As if he'd never not been hugging Rich, Jake's palms were suddenly pressed against Rich's shoulder blades, warm and safe.
"That's not true," he said, "I only fell in love with you."
"But he made everything so simple. I miss it so much, Jake. He could just talk and everyone was happy and teachers loved him and his grades were perfect and he always knew what to say to make you feel better."
Jake nodded at that, still holding onto Rich like the floor was disappearing underneath them and opening up into the empty void of space.
"He was never scared," Jake offered quietly.
"He was confident."
"Suave."
"Always knew how to charm a girl."
"He could actually act, unlike some people."
Rich let out a small, watery laugh, and whispered, "He could actually beat you at chess."
Jake hummed and pressed a soft kiss against Rich's hair.
"Yeah, he could. But do you wanna know a secret?"
"What?"
Jake lifted Rich's head from his shoulder to look him in the eye. He looked exhausted, red-eyed, and scared. There were tear stains on his cheeks and that determined line between his eyebrows. He ran a finger over Rich's cheekbone and smiled.
"I may miss him a little, but I always liked him better when he was drunk."
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