#or ache sometimes when i see people reading the Bible in certain ways

[queenlucythevaliant]

Do you think Behemoth and Leviathan were actually real and happened to be dinosaurs? Behemoth was a huge and formidable land dinosaur while Leviathan was a pleisiosaur. Technically, plesiosaurs weren't dinosaurs, but you get my idea?

So I've been sitting on this ask for a little bit because I honestly didn't know what tone to take in answering it. I don't know your background, and thus don't know whether to be more blunt or delicate. Ultimately, I settled on blunt, simply because I could not figure out how to answer this question delicately. That said, I hope you take this in the gracious spirit in which I have written it.

SO. That's a hard no from me, friend. Let's discuss!

So typically when you hear people say that Behemoth and Leviathan were dinosaurs (or dinosaur adjacent), it's in the context of arguments in favor of young earth creationism. It's a fairly big talking point with the Answers in Genesis crowd. Basically, they make the argument that Biblical texts referencing creatures that superficially resemble dinosaurs are evidence that humans and dinosaurs could have lived at the same time.

This works out if the earth is only 6,000 years old, but not if we take paleontology, geology, or human evolution at all seriously. The writer of Job would have had no way of knowing that dinosaurs and plesiosaurs existed because they had already been extinct for many millions of years. Even if you want to argue that maybe God is describing creatures with which Job was unfamiliar, it still doesn't track. God's address to Job treats these creatures as something for which he has a point of reference. It also just doesn't make sense why God would choose this moment to reveal the existence of dinosaurs. Talk about a tangent!

I don't know where you fall on the spectrum of Christian beliefs regarding origins and the age of the earth, but I've written at length on this blog about the case for theistic (old earth) evolution, so I won't rehash that here. Check out my all truth is God's truth tag or shoot me an ask if you want more on that. Regarding Behemoth and Leviathan, however, I think some of the same exegetical skills involved in reading (or misreading) Genesis are involved in the relevant chapters of Job.

When God addresses Job out of the whirlwind, he uses poetic language. He's talking about a real thing (his sovereignty over the universe), but it's something that transcends human comprehension on an overwhelming scale. Much like we can't ever hope to wrap our heads around deep time, we're simply not capable of grasping the extent of God's sovereignty.

When God describes storehouses of hail reserved for the day of battle, are we supposed to literally think that there is a giant building in heaven where God keeps all his hail? Or is it a picture of God's might as both creator and judge of the universe? If we know our Bibles, we see that hail is frequently used as a tool of judgement against God's enemies: Egypt, the Canaanites, apostate Israel, and ultimately the rebellious earth. So when God describes his storehouses of hail, we see the reality of his total control over the arc of history, his ultimate justice, his orderliness.

Likewise, Behemoth and Leviathan use the established language and symbolism of Scripture to convey truths for which plain language wouldn't suffice. Behemoth's description isn't that of any real animal, living or extinct. God paints a picture of a creature that no man could ever hope to tame and expresses that he, God, can.

Leviathan is the longer and more interesting image; it's a mighty creature of the deep that breathes fire and cannot be controlled. We know that in Biblical parlance, water is frequently associated with chaos (too many places to enumerate, but Psalms, the Prophets, and Revelation are good starting places). Leviathan is a picture of this chaos: mighty, rearing, deadly, uncontrollable, terrifying. Then God says to Job, "Can you draw this creature out with a fishhook? Can you make a covenant with him? Will he serve you? Can you injure him? Do you have any means at all of controlling the chaos monster? I do." It's poetry used to express a truth that we humans cannot hope to grasp otherwise: We cannot control the chaos of the world around us. We can't even try. But God can, and he does it effortlessly.

So no. Not dinosaurs. And I think that arguing that they are, especially trying to pick through the text and figure out which ones they're supposed to be and using that to argue for literalistic interpretations of Genesis, really misses the point and the power of what God is saying here.

I think Job's words back to God at the end of the book actually give us a remarkably important principle when it comes to Biblical interpretation: "I have uttered what I do not understand, things too wonderful for me, which I did not know." The whole Bible is too wonderful for us. God condescended in order to give us his truth, and he had the magnificent grace to give it to us in ways that we can begin to grasp.

I think a lot of really literalistic reads on Scripture (Job, Genesis, Revelation, and elsewhere) are a kind of grasping at control. There's an assumption in it that God gave the ancients an exact accounting of things that humans just aren't equipped to fully comprehend.

That doesn't mean we shouldn't try! But it does mean that when we read Scripture concerning the Big Things: the Sovereignty of God, the creation of the universe, the origin of life, eternity, infinity, even spiritual mysteries like the Trinity and the nature of the Incarnation, we have to approach it as something fundamentally beyond our comprehension which God is showing us the edges of. We can see other, different edges of many of those same things through scientific observation (or philosophy, or whatever other disciplines-- not all of the Big Things are scientific in nature.)

It's like Isaac Newton said: "I do not know what I may appear to the world, but to myself I seem to have been only like a boy playing on the sea-shore, and diverting myself in now and then finding a smoother pebble or a prettier shell than ordinary, whilst the great ocean of truth lay all undiscovered before me."

#i really really hope that this doesn't read as unkind #i really appreciate the question! and i don't know where you're coming from generally #but this stuff makes my heart sing #or ache sometimes when i see people reading the Bible in certain ways #i love my YEC brothers and sisters which is why I'm so passionate about theistic evolution #it's about panting after truth-- all truth any truth more truth than I can ever have #and yet recognizing that some truths are too lofty for me #i wish like hell that I could cast my mind back and really understand deep time #the eons the clockwork-precision the tides leading to life #i wish that i could understand the mysteries of knowledge the mysteries of God's sovereignty of suffering of grace of the Godhead #i will have so so many questions for God when I see him face to face #and even then i probably will not be given all the answers #i am trying to learn how to be okay with that #side note: there will be scientific research in the new heavens and the new earth i am all but sure of it #all truth is God's truth #ask me hard questions

[imgoingtocrash]

Made of Iron, Born of Fire: The Fanmix 

by @imgoingtocrash

Listen on Spotify and 8tracks

Read the series on Ao3

AKA: A labor of love for @savvysass’s birthday!!!!

What can I say that hasn’t already been said because we’re both incredibly sappy people in our Author’s Notes? Writing this series with you has brought me so much joy in the last two years, and I never could have hit over 100k words without you. Here’s to whatever we write next in the series...and all of the WIPs we’re working on right now...and only god knows what’s next for us personally and professionally...and most importantly, to you on your Birthday. Thank you for being such a good friend, in both fandom and outside of it. I’m so, so thankful to know you and love you. 🥰

Director’s Cut Below, because we all know I love talking about this series, and yes, that does extend to why I picked these songs. (And also maybe because these song choices only make sense in my brain and hopefully Savannah’s?? Who knows! Feel free to ask questions if you want but let’s be honest this series and fanmix are most importantly for us, because we love the series so dang much.)

My Wildest Dreams by Ron Pope

I spoke in riddles and in rhymes, but my time with you has taught me to simplify, you’re not quite what I pictured you would be, you’re better than my wildest dreams.

We’ve talked about this one before, and I’LL TALK ABOUT IT AGAIN!!!! Ron Pope is so good imo, and this song wowowow the father-child feels, but especially with Tony and newborn Peter a la A Foreign Feeling and A First Time For Everything.

Big & Scared by Raleigh Ritchie

I want to be better for you, let me do that now, you’re my favorite human, so you should be prepared, I’ll help you get through it, when you’re big and scared

We’ve mentioned Tony’s thoughts about legacy multiple times by now, and I think this song really represents Tony looking forward to the person Peter could be become and that “breaking the cycle” mentality of supporting Peter even when he’s not a perfect father.

Legacy of Sadness by Ron Pope

irrational as it may seem I guess I’m sorry, even though I know that none of it’s my fault, it is easier for me to count my blessings, than to cry for every single thing we’ve lost

I have 0 shame putting these two songs by Ron Pope almost back to back because they’re the opening and closing of an album dedicated to his child like...it’s so perfect for Tony and this theme of reflection on who he is and who Peter will become/is becoming and all that entails.

this is me trying by Taylor Swift

They told me all of my cages were mental, so I got wasted like all my potential, and my words shoot to kill when I'm mad, I have a lot of regrets about that

I wrote something...very sad but also soft recently??? and this is for That it’s about pre-CW Pepperony being separated and the road to them trying to come back together including Tony working on himself and I love it!!! It hurts really good!!! This whole song is perfect for it and I can’t wait until people get to read it.

Be Good When I’m Gone by Four Year Strong

I'm sorry I can't stop to listen, but I've got so much to do and I've got some place to be, the house looks like the aftermath of a hurricane, I hope it stays that way

Tony being a busy parent but doing his best to make time for Peter in his life and making that time count has been something super important to illustrate to us, especially the transition from being a CEO to being a superhero and how that changes how Peter sees Tony’s absence over time.

I Won’t Back Down by Johnnyswim, Drew Holcomb & The Neighbors, and Penny and Sparrow

Tony puts on the original version by Tom Petty in Home Is Where The Heart Is, but I think this cover has a very slow, emotional undertone that’s really great too. The interludes, if you didn’t catch it, have all been featured in a fic previously.

Let It Matter by Johnnyswim

So if it matters let it matter, if your heart's breaking let it ache, catch those pieces as they scatter, know your hurt is not in vain

Pepper in Never Tell Me The Odds ALL DAYYYYY. She’s the emotional rock of that fic (and of our Ironfam TBH) and it’s all because she allows herself to feel her feelings and encourages the Stark boys to do so as well.

Simmer - Acoustic by Hayley Williams

And if my child, needed protection, from a fucker like that man, I’d sooner gut him, cause nothing cuts like a mother

Post-Home Is Where The Heart Is...y’all know Pepper’s not that mad about what happened to Obie. Also just Pepper when someone hurts her family?? I always write it as her sort of putting all of her emotion into something she can control and doing it well, so, this song is all about that.

Tightrope by Nia Hendricks

one step after another, keep holding on to each other, don’t look back, move on and let go, that’s how you walk on a tightrope

Pepperony trying to navigate their relationship and the insanity of superhero stuff and also co-parenting. It’s all excellent, I love them so much, I enjoy writing it so much!!!!

Dancing With Your Ghost by Sasha Sloan

Never got the chance, to say a last goodbye, I gotta move on, but it hurts to try, how do I love, how do I love again?

This song is tilted towards romance, but if you’ll remember, we’re a Pro-Tony Survives Endgame AU series, so it’s not about THAT...but well...Infinity War sure will hit something fierce for certain non-romantic relationships in this series, huh?

The Bones by Maren Morris

Call it dumb luck, but baby, you and I, can't even mess it up, although we both try, no, it don't always go the way we planned it, but the wolves came and went and we're still standing

Post-Endgame Ironfam!!! Tony and Pepper married with their kids, their family and HAPPY...THIS IS WHY WE DO ALL OF THE ANGST...FOR A FAMILY...WE LOVE THEM

Carry on Wayward Son by Kansas

Considered Pepper and Peter’s ‘song’, as it’s referenced multiple times in the series, and was one of the bigger solidifying moments of their mother-son relationship as a whole.

Mundane by Hardcastle

And I’ve been sinking into silence, dwelling on my thoughts, and in these months, I haven’t felt that most conversations have left me anything but blue

Peter’s selective mutism was something very special to us when we originally had the idea, and making sure we talk about it and utilize it in the right way is something we’re still working on, particularly with the Therapy Fic we’re brainstorming atm.

survivin’ (One Eyed Jack’s Session) by Bastille

What can I say? I'm survivin', crawling out these sheets to see another day, what can I say? I'm survivin', and I'm gonna be fine, I'm gonna be fine, I think I'll be fine

Spoiler Alert: Peter’s not fine, like, a decent amount of the time. But he’s sure trying, and we love him for that.

Jacob from the Bible by Jake Wesley Rogers

Mama, don't worry, it took me years, to say I'm sorry, to see your tears, Mama, forgive me, I grew up too fast, but it's not on you, it's in the past

Mostly part of Peter growing up to become a hero and realizing what his parents--particularly Pepper--have gone through for him to become the person he is today, but that sometimes he still doesn’t feel like he’s making them proud enough.

Compassion Is a German Word by To Kill A King

Don't be so arrogant, you ain't no different to anyone I've met, we're all the heroes in our own film, or maybe the villain in someone else's

Spider-Man being an excellent superhero boi!!! Being kind and good!!! We love it!! Also, I put a TKAK song on...a LOT of my playlists, because I think they’re great.

brutal by Olivia Rodrigo

And I'm so sick of seventeen, where's my fucking teenage dream?, if someone tells me one more time, "Enjoy your youth", I'm gonna cry

I mean...this song is such a Teenage Mood...I had to do it...

In The Wee Small Hours Of The Morning by Frank Sinatra

So, I had this cute little scene in my head that went with this song for SO LONG but there wasn’t really anything for it to fit into so...yeah that’s part 2 of Savannah’s Birthday Gift, a little soft Baby Peter drabble. Fluffy Goop from top to bottom. That can be read here.

Home by Phillip Phillips

Just know you're not alone, 'Cause I'm gonna make this place your home

...I know it’s not original, okay? It’s found family, it’s great, I don’t care!

Comes and Goes (In Waves) by Greg Laswell

And this part was for her, and this part was for her, this part was for her, does she remember?

This song is good family angst in general BUT these specific lyrics made me think of Mary and that they never forget her in their lives despite the other stuff going on (because we refuse to let them).

I Have Made Mistakes by The Oh Hellos

I have made mistakes, I continue to make them, the promises I've made, I continue to break them, and all the doubts I've faced, I continue to face them, but nothing is a waste if you learn from it

No one in the Ironfam is perfect, but they all do their best to try and grow even when they’re scared they’ll never be able to. The ups and downs are all par for the course of this series to us.

Easy Days - Demo by Bastille

Cause I don’t wanna fall back again, back into the easy days, everything was so simple then, little fires burned away

Strife is a part of life, and the family in this fic growing through their loss and struggles and moving ahead as a unit to get to a better place is super central to making the fic what it is...but it’s easy for them to remember the old days before being superheroes and wishing it was simple again.

North by Sleeping At Last

Let the years we’re here be kind, be kind, let our hearts like doors open wide, open wide, settle our bones like wood over time, over time, give us bread, give us salt, give us wine

The way Tony went from feeling so alone to having an entire built family that’s so full of love and everything he never dreamed of...*screams into my pillow* I love this series so much thank you and good night!!!

#made of iron born of fire #irondad #ironfam #fanmix #savvysass #this series just makes me burst with content i can't describe it #also doing the graphics was a fun experiment!!! #mine #mine: marvel

[boydeviil]

{   LORENZO   ZURZOLO   ,   CIS   MALE   ,   HE   /   HIM   }   way   out   here   in   the   ozarks   ,   i’d   never   expect   to   find   PARKER   MURPHY   ,   the   TWENTY   year   old   PART   TIME   BARTENDER   /   STUDENT   at   the   SILK   AND   SATIN   /   COMMUNITY   COLLEGE   .   on   the   afternoon   of   september   4th   ,   HE   was   WITH   FRIENDS   AT   CRESCENT   INK   but   i’m   not   sure   i   believe   a   word   they   say   .

hm   ...   f   -   finally   ?   hi   i’m   bailey   &   i’m   kind   of   a   piece   of   garbage   ,   but   i   mean   well   uwu   .   this   is   very   bare   minimum   as   much   as   it   pains   me   ,   someone   who   writes   like   novels   if   not   stopped   ,   but   i   really   wanted   to   get   it   out   so   sacrifices   had   to   be   made   (   i   ..   say   this   as   if   i   still   didn’t   go   over   1k   lmao   anywsgdfhdhnf   )

PINTEREST   /   primarily   blood   tw   ,   minor   smoking   +   food/drink   tw   .   also   ,   mentions   of   death   ,   blood   ,   very   briefly   food   ,   smoking   &   underage   drinking   in   intro   !!   nothing   too   descriptive   ,   but   still   there

—   ASSOCIATED   AESTHETICS   .

blood   -   stained   teeth   cracked   wide   in   a   mirthful   grin   as   loud   laughter   rings   out   .   fake   id   cards   tucked   neatly   in   a   shoe   box   ,   ready   to   replace   each   other   after   confiscation   .   holding   up   cigarettes   to   angel   statues   .   sneaking   alcohol   in   between   bible   pages   ,   in   coke   cans   ,   anywhere   .   blood   under   your   nails   but   you   aren’t   sure   where   it   came   from   .   nihilistic   tendencies   as   a   coping   mechanism   .

—   ASSOCIATED   TROPES   .

it   amused   me   .   honor   among   thieves   .   cool   people   rebel   against   authority   .   clandestine   chemistry   .   troubled   ,   but   cute   .

—   QUICK   STORY   .

prideful   and   stubborn   ,   thinking   yourself   on   top   of   the   world   for   no   good   reason   .   from   a   young   age   ,   you   believed   that   you   could   be   untouchable   if   you   put   your   mind   to   it   .   always   the   rambunctious   boy   on   the   playground   ,   spinning   tales   to   your   classmates   and   creating   schemes   which   landed   you   on   the   dreaded   timeout   wall   ,   everyone   either   flocked   to   you   or   steered   clear   .   understandable   ,   you   would   think   as   you   grew   up   .   you   were   an   acquired   taste   ,   and   that’s   something   you   took   satisfaction   in   .   your   mom   soon   found   scolding   only   spurred   you   on   more   ; �� negative   attention   is   still   attention   ,   a   terrible   mindset   to   have   ,   but   what   you   adapted   .   tough   love   is   evident   in   your   posture   ,   the   way   you   speak   ,   it’s   what   you   know   .   what   many   thought   to   be   a   boyish   phase   didn’t   change   as   you   got   older   .   if   anything   ,   it   got   worse   .   your   schemes   elevated   ,   all   for   the   risk   .   all   eyes   on   you   .   it’s   like   a   heightened   middle   child   syndrome   ,   some   could   say   .   you   aren’t   sure   if   you   can   disagree   or   not   ,   but   you   would   sooner   bite   your   tongue   and   swallow   the   blood   than   admit   it   .   the   more   phone   calls   to   your   mom   ,   the   more   frustrated   with   you   she   became   .   understandable   ,   you   think   again   .   however   ,   you   didn’t   stop   .   like   always   ,   it   grew   with   you   ;   a   scab   you   couldn’t   quit   picking   ,   an   aching   tooth   you   kept   prodding   with   your   tongue   ,   bruises   you   kept   pressing   fingers   against   in   order   to   see   if   they   still   hurt   .   you   never   learned   .   not   how   they   wanted   you   to   ,   at   least   .

on   your   thirteenth   birthday   you   got   a   chemistry   set   —   your   mom   wasn’t   sure   if   it   was   worth   it   at   first   ,   knowing   you   spent   more   school   hours   in   suspension   than   in   a   classroom   ,   yet   the   way   your   eyes   lit   up   told   her   it   was   the   best   purchase   she   made   .   little   did   she   know   you   would   catch   small   fires   from   mixing   things   together   ,   because   you   were   bored   or   because   you   wanted   to   see   what   would   happen   ,   even   if   you   had   an   idea   of   the   possible   destruction   .   but   ,   despite   all   the   clashing   ,   your   mom   loved   you   .   you   know   she   did   or   else   she   wouldn’t   have   dealt   with   you   like   this   .   only   a   mother’s   love   could   adore   such   a   nightmare   like   you   .   as   a   teenager   ,   you   gained   a   more   notorious   reputation   .   in   and   out   of   the   local   police   station   ,   mostly   for   juvenile   crimes   ,   but   constantly   skating   on   thin   ice   .   we   all   die   one   day   ,   you   would   say   with   a   laugh   ,   let’s   have   interesting   stories   for   when   we’re   six   feet   under   .   despite   your   failings   ,   purposeful   or   not   ,   you   maintained   well   enough   grades   in   school   ;   specifically   in   sciences   .   chemistry   really   was   the   love   of   your   life   ,   next   to   unbridled   mischief   of   course   .

taking   a   break   year   after   high   school   graduation   ,   you   found   a   job   as   a   bartender   at   the   local   strip   club   .   it   wasn’t   what   you   wanted   to   do   for   the   rest   of   your   life   ,   though   it   was   good   to   pass   time   .   you   eventually   enrolled   in   the   community   college   for   chemistry   ,   but   it   still   left   you   feeling   restless   and   unfulfilled   ,   wanting   more   than   this   small   town   life   .   maybe   you   paid   too   much   attention   to   the   legacy   your   grandfather   left   (   perhaps   another   bad   mentality   of   yours   )   ,   or   simply   you   were   reading   too   many   comics   and   watching   too   many   crime   films   .   but   the   wild   idea   of   pharmaceutical   chemistry   for   an   ,   admittedly   ,   less   than   savory   gain   had   worked   its   way   into   your   head   a   few   times   .   no   one   knows   exactly   what   you   get   up   to   when   you   shut   them   out   to   mess   around   with   chemicals   ,   however   would   anyone   be   surprised   if   you   went   completely   off   the   rails   ?   the   answer   came   sooner   than   you   expected   ,   just   not   in   the   way   any   imagined   .

you   had   an   argument   with   your   mom   again   .   you   slammed   your   bedroom   door   like   a   child   ,   causing   your   out   -   grown   signs   to   rattle   at   the   impact   ,   angry   and   hurt   by   the   stinging   words   thrown   back   at   you   …   yet   again   too   prideful   and   stubborn   to   say   it   .   she   loves   you   ,   you   reminded   yourself   .   she   wants   what’s   best   for   you   .   and   the   bullshit   you   kept   pulling   ?   not   it   .   if   she   wasn’t   so   well   liked   ,   you   were   almost   certain   you’d   been   kicked   from   college   before   finishing   .   you   didn’t   mean   it   ,   you   didn’t   mean   what   you   said   —   you   never   do   ,   do   you   ?   words   come   out   hot   and   hastily   before   your   brain   can   stop   them   .   sometimes   you   can   blame   the   booze   you   stole   ,   most   times   you   can’t   .   when   she   turned   up   ,   dead   ,   you   felt   sick   and   violently   so   .   your   nihilism   turned   itself   up   in   order   to   protect   you   .   we   all   die   one   day   ,   your   own   words   echo   back   in   your   head   .   it’s   maddening   ,   and   you   just   have   to   cope   . 

how   do   you   cope   ?   you   aren’t   sure   .

—   QUICK   FACTS   /   HEADCANONS   .

place   of   birth   :   veritas   ,   missouri date   of   birth   :   august   8th   ,   1957 astrology   :   leo   sun   ,   sagittarius   moon   ,   gemini   rising   ,   aries   midheaven

positives   :   confident   ,   innovative   ,   steadfast   ,   fun   -   loving negatives   :   impish   ,   discontented   ,   boisterous   ,   intense

mbti   :   entp enneagram   :   type   8

romantic   orientation   :   demi   -   biromantic sexual   orientation   :   bisexual

dog   person   !!   would   absolutely   get   tackled   by   a   police   dog   and   be   like   omg   what’s   their   name

has   an   eyebrow   scar   cause   that’s   cool   ,   right   ?

favorite   flavor   combo   is   cherry   &   vanilla   ,   but   mint   &   chocolate   is   close

honestly   that   one   kid   in   class   who   makes   the   teacher   go   “   i’ll   wait   ”

a   nightmare   luv   …   but   he’s   trying   to   keep   his   vibe   …   acts   like   he   doesn’t   care   ,   actually   cares   a   lot

uhhh   i   project   this   onto   so   many   of   my   characters   ,   i’ll   admit   it   .   but   like   ,   he   has   gotten   a   nosebleed   after   stepping   into   church   before   jdfhbjdhnf

big   “   god   has   a   lot   to   answer   for   ”   energy

#grit:intro #a MESS luvs.......... #i'll be on later tonight more hopefully !!

[saymypiece]

This nobody’s journal of hot, boring afternoons…

Day 21 (7.4.2020 - Tuesday)

I did not sleep through the night, again! What on Earth! On the other hand, I worked out, a little, but still a workout. As in I played with my dog. She got a hold my bro/sis old silambam belt and goes around playing with it. So grabbed on to the other end and had a tug of war with her, which was fun, until she realised I wasn’t much of a competition and got bored. :S It’s alright, I will prove to her that I am worthy of her time. I shall try again. Practice makes perfect Koko, you adorable snob! 

Day 20 (6.4.2020 - Monday)

Omgoodness its day 20! I cannot believe we have been stuck at home without a choice for so long. I keep hearing of doctors and nurses falling ill, scientists working so hard to create a vaccine. I can’t help but wonder what this virus is all about. This thing we can’t see is causing so much chaos, panic and fear in everyone. And the way I see it, it’s not going away anytime soon. But our God is God over the impossible! He is the only way this virus will be washed out. This time at home, especially during this time leading up to Easter, has allowed me to spend some time in devotion and the Bible. And what I have learnt is we are not alone. Our time on Earth, though temporary, is designed to be fulfilling and beautiful. So I’m embracing that. No matter what comes against me, it shall not prosper. For my God is for me. On the other hand, I have not been able to sleep. It’s been challenging to 

Day 19 (5.4.2020 - Sunday)

As usual, Sunday was enriching and chill. Not that every other day is not chill, but Sundays, they are quite a little more chill than other days. At 3pm, I joined a group chat with some friends from church. Fun.

Day 18 (4.4.2020 - Saturday)

After last week’s shopping debacle, I was terrified about going out there with mum again. Nevertheless, we had needs and they needed to be bought, so I got ready with my gear, the usual suspects of masks, gloves and a hand sanitiser. This time, the mall staff were even more strict. They checked body temperatures before anyone could even enter the building. And only one person per family was allowed in. So, yes, we kinda put on our inner Meryl Streeps and acted the strangers we never knew we could play so well. They believed it. Heck, at one point, even I believed it. My mom, I think, may BE, Meryl Streep, I don’t know. Anyway, no drama during shopping, everything was perfect. I even got to keep my shorts intact the whole time. No, it was a different shorts, I wash them everyday. Yes, I’ve got a whole lot of loose shorts okay? They’re comfy! What some more you want?

Day 17 (3.4.2020 - Friday)

Another Friday has come and gone. There is really nothing new happening, but today, I got to catch up with the darling! You don’t feel time passing you by until you actually do something you used to do very, very often, years ago. We used to Skype and video call all the time until work and life happened. Then suddenly, it had all come to an abrupt end. This conversation felt like such a treat. I felt like I was catching up with her entire lifetime. Well, a lot can happen in over six years. Feeling so blessed for technology and this time we get to reconnect and spend quality time with each other. 

Day 16 (2.4.2020)

Ok so, sleep lost it’s way and didn’t really get back to me, blardee heartbreaker! Didn’t do much other than write and hang around all day. So I decided, to pick up my guitar and do somethin with it. :) You Say by Lauren Daigle

Day 15 (1.4.2020 - Wednesday)

I know it’s meant to be April’s Fool today, but like the rest of the world, it didn’t mean a thing. I mean, our situation right now seems like a giant prank anyway. There is no need to scare anyone else about, anything else. The greatest prank in the world right now would be to just go up to someone who’s NOT your family, and sneeze or cough right at their faces. Once they know you’re pranking em, they’d either laugh or slap you so hard, you begin to foretell your f-f-future. Even watching old YouTube videos of interviews or clips from shows where there is some amount of coughing or sneezing involved makes me cringe so hard! And I’m not the only one. Read the comments. Once thing I am certain of, whether a vaccine is found or not, is that once this MCO is over, everybody is gonna be a germaphobe/hygiene-junkies - always washing hands and sneezing into handkerchiefs and such. Anyway, goodnight, hope sleep finds me tonight.

Day 14 (31.3.2020 - Tuesday)

Oh praise the Lord I’m alright. At least, I think I’m alright. I don’t feel fuzzy, I have no fever, no headache. I was awake super early and I decided to feed my three dogs, for the first time! Let my bro and sis sleep in a little this morning. I had no idea how to do it. I just winged it based on what I thought is normally done, and it worked. The three ding dongs listened, sat patiently, ate sweetly and gave me some kisses. And then, I put on a fan for them, coz there was no air movement out. It was so weird, it was early morning and it was so hot with zero movement in the air. Man, we really need the rain!

Day 13 (30.3.2020 - Monday)

I am so not feeling good today! My mind is racing. Was it the shopping at Tesco on Saturday? Was it the Lontong flavoured Chef noodles I had for dinner last night? What is it? I have a bad headache, body ache and my brain is a little fuzzy, like when I have a fever. When I asked my sister to check my temperature, she confirmed there is a slight fever. Paracetamol. I need it. And a good shower. Had both. Going to sleep again. Maybe I’m tired, exhausted. I’ve told everyone in the house to stay away. Lord, protect papa. And heal me. Let this not be…it.

Day 12 (29.3.2020 - Sunday)

Time for church online. Mummy made friend mee hoon and some Portuguese tarts. It was one of those quiet days. Didn’t do much today.

Day 11 (28.3.2020 - Saturday)

Nope. Zoom didn’t let me down. I let Zoom down! My frickin alarm didn’t go off, or maybe it did and I didn’t hear it, I don’t know. All I know is I wasn’t up until 11.20am! The meeting was supposed to start at 11am! #muchembarassed Thankfully they were all in conversation while waiting for me. I didn’t even have time to brush my teeth. Just washed my face, tamed my hair and appeared online. Connect was awesome though. The two newcomers were great. Kinda weird we didn’t shake hands or hug, kinda weird we literally met face-to-face, online, but it was great! Cheers to new experiences, I say. Speaking of new experiences, I have never liked shopping. Like, ever. I don’t enjoy walking around, I don’t enjoy going to shops after shops after shops. Basically, I’m most men when it comes to shopping. Today, my mom and I had to run to Tesco to stock up on some of our essentials that are running low. I wore a shorts and t-shirt but with two masks, gloves, and in my pockets, Clorox anti-bacterial wipes and hand-sanitiser. We strategised how and what to touch before entering the store. I was going to be the one doing the touching, cos I wore the gloves, and my mom, wearing one glove, was to be the one pointing out what I was supposed to pick out from the shelves. Carefully, but swiftly, we began picking out everything on our list. My heart, for some reason, was drumming like a Taiko drum in my chest. And to make matters worse, sometime during our walking through the aisles, my mom completely ditched our strategy and started touching the things on the shelves! Like, ALL things! Okay, granted, I wasn’t fast enough for her but PATIENCE IS A VIRTUE, okay? Just… keep your hands to yourself and straighten ONLY the index finger. How difficult is that strategy? Now, she’d gone and made my mind spin round and round tryna think of how the virus would travel, or get stuck on her phone (which I sanitised the moment we got out), or what her gloved hand touched and what she could and could not touch anymore not that is has been exposed. Arghh! Finally at the cashier, we more or less got in sync. Everything went according to plan, like which hand she would get her debit card out of my shorts pocket with and which hand she received it from the cashier with after the payment was made. It went pretty perfectly, with the slight risk of me losing my shorts because mummy decided to shove her hands so far down my pockets. The shorts was loose to begin with. Thankfully, with my firm grip, nothing untoward happened. We got out, got home, showered and washed all the clothes we were in. All good. Phew…

Day 10 (27.3.2020 - Friday)

Thankful for technology. It’s made life very easy. Even my mom, who is completely resistant of anything “technology” (because she thinks she would destroy the internet or something) has had to organise Zoom meets, coordinate her kindergarten teachers’ online lessons and activities - it’s been quite a trip seeing my mom grow into this technological wiz, so to speak. I joined her connect group today, had a good discussion. A little nervous about mine tomorrow morning. We will have two newcomers on board. Hopefully Zoom doesn’t let me down.

Day 9 (26.3.2020 - Thursday)

It’s the end of the day, and lo and behold, I have completed the pages I was meant to complete. Turns out, I didn’t have to do some of the last pages, so that saved me some work. I was right. I DO feel blind and like a bat after completing the job, but the satisfaction of a job completed is unmatched. The number of cases keep increasing by around 130 every day! It’s not even funny how people are still choosing to ignore this situation. We are already in day nine of the MCO and they still feel it’s alright to meet their friends and family in such a time as this. If only we all, collaboratively, stayed home for two weeks, we could actually curb this virus from spreading out. STOP GIVING IT TRANSPORT! Ugh! On the bright side, I am organising our Connect meet online.

Day 8 (25.3.2020 - Wednesday)

Quick update: Still on the project. I have managed to complete around 10 pages, mostly profiles. I am so surprised at how weirdly written everything is. On COVID-19, we are 300 cases short of 2000. It’s not looking good at all. And what’s worse, the government has extended the MCO to April 14. So instead of going back to work on 1 April, I would be jobless until 15 April. Lord, I surrender this to you. Let all that happens, happen according to your plan. I place my trust and hope in You, Lord. Amen.

Day 7 (24.3.2020 - Tuesday)

…aaaaaaadddd!!!! There are sooo many words in this, it doesn’t seem to have an end! 105 pages of THIS is more than I can bear!!! I’m gonna go nuts by the end of it, or blind! Anyway, I started on this the day before yesterday, but it has been a lot of, what my dad would call, broken focus. I just can’t seem to stay on the editing bit. I keep getting beckoned by either YouTube or Facebook or Instagram, and end the day without completing even one full page… so here we are. I have exactly two days to complete editing 103 pages of words. *takes a deep breath* RM530 is riding on this, man! Get it together and do it! I know RM530 seems little, but to me, after 5 months of RM0, it’s an upgrade I never thought I’d get. #suckitup

Day 6 (23.3.2020 - Monday)

Monday has arrived. I am refreshed, I have my mind set on the epilepsy article I am gonna write and the copy-editing project from the marketing department. I’m all set. I sent my interview questions to both the people I am meant to talk to. Under the current situation, I am not able to talk to them so email is the next best thing. Except an interview over Zoom would have been better, but they can’t seem to make it. Being researchers and lecturers and all, they don’t have much time on their hands…. unlike me. Anyway, that’s done. Now, continuing the project. Ohhhhmaaaiiiigaaa…

Day 5 (22.3.2020 - Sunday)

Oh Sunday. It was a really awesome Sunday service. It was truly something I think we all needed. The praise and worship was amazing, and allowed me to just soak in worship. Despite all the chaos and fear that I have in my heart and mind, I felt a peace wash over me. Suddenly I realised that the only reason for the fear in my heart is the unknown. But every “next step” we take is an unknown anyway, so why fear this one? I will keep praying, staying home, except during essential buys, washing my hands, working and doing pretty much everything I always do WITHOUT having fear in my heart.

Day 4 (21.3.2020 - Saturday)

What a total frickin crap-show! The numbers are increasing and I’ll tell you the truth, I’m afraid. Every time I wash my hands, I can’t stop wondering if I’ve washed them enough. There is just too much stake. My dad, his lungs are really not good and I am worried about what would happen should one of us get careless and carry this virus home from some essential grocery shopping. The only comfort I have right now is that my God is bigger. I know my God is bigger than all of this. I know my God is bigger than all of this!

Day 3 (20.3.2020 - Friday)

I know I wished for an eventful 2020, but my goodness, enough already! 

OMGIF already?? So, suddenly, the number of the infected in Malaysia hit 1000+. That is really too much! Who’s to blame? Why are there still cow dungs out and about on the roads, meeting friends and speaking their essentials words and letting their spits flow freely in the world and into each others’ ears? Don’t they know of a phone? There’s WhatsApp, Zoom, Hangout, Telegram, frickin Signal, Line, FB Messenger…heck, everything has a caller these days! *checks if Tinder has a caller* Not Tinder, thank goodness. Just…ugh…stop going out. *breathes* Meanwhile, my lovely brother gave us all his homemade Ais Malaysia and it was lovely! Like, it hasn’t properly rained in quite a few weeks now, and it is sooo hot. That Ais Malaysia was truly somewhat of a saving grace. And to top it off, my darling little sister made o-maki sushi, with the tuna and everything. Superb! Anyways, all things considered, the numbers locally are not too bad, is it? Is it? I’ll just have to keep washing my hands… “His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti…”

Day 2 (19.3.2020 - Thursday)

#tbt like #tbeverydayforthelast5months ! 

This MCO doesn’t really make much of a difference for me since I was not working the last five months. This time around though, I wash my hands more, go out lesser, and can’t go out even if I wanted to. You know what? The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon: Home Edition is super awesome! I love it. It’s a breath of fresh air so I’ll have that to enjoy over this period. When we get out of this, I don’t think my hands will make it out “alive”. The number of times I wash my hands to the first verse of “Lose Yourself” is nuts!

Day 1 (18.3.2020 - Wednesday)

So, I started this to keep track of what is happening in this lovely, wonderful, fantastic nation during the Movement Control Order and also to me, as a… non-essential employee. Coz as long as I’m not working, I am not paid. Ok, let me rephrase that. As long as I am not present AT the office, then I’m not paid. Never been in this position, kinda worrying, but thankfully, I do have projects to complete to get me some kinda cash. Don’t know how its all gonna pan out. I am leaving all these worries to the Lord Almighty coz I know there is nothing I can do to change anything happening around me other than pray and stay home. These daily entries will be filled with dramatics and descriptive nothings, coz seriously, I can’t imagine another two weeks at home. So I AM gonna add some spice to this. Alright, so, first day was…err…normal. How’s that for spice? Whaaaat? I don’t know what to say in this okay? I am just…I just wanna remember what I went thru so…

#mcomalaysia #mco #stayhome #covid_19 #coronavirus #malaysia

[tiredandineffable]

Left Unaware Pt 2

Find this one on AO3: Left Unaware Pt 2

Read part one here!

Summary: Things haven’t changed, not really. Except God is tired of waiting and sometimes, when your creation is bad at putting things together itself, you get involved. Reverse fall au with ineffable husbands endgame. Consider this the end of the slow burn that was the whole series.

……………………….

Aziraphale actually had intended on doing some shelving. He’d recently gone on a bit of a trip around the British countryside to pick up some very old and very collectable children's books from some elderly collectors who were looking to downsize and had responded to his newspaper advert. “Looking to buy school books,” the advert had read. “Anything prior to 1900 will do.” He was rather lucky with the number of responders to such adverts through the years. He always walked away with far more books than he’d planned to purchase and many more individuals willing to sell their books than was really likely. He just knew not to question his good fortune lest it end.

(Crowley still claims he has no hand in Aziraphale’s book buying luck. Crowley is also a liar.)

He looks over at the utility cart full of books.

There’s at least fifty in there.

It would take him the better part of an hour to shelve all of them.

He could be doing better things with his time.

One would think that Aziraphale’s book of choice for demon and angel related questions would be the Bible. In this, one would be incorrect. While the Bible contains a great deal of information on certain events of religious importance, it seemed to gloss over the minute details of daily life as an employee of Above or Below. After all, God preferred to give only what information was most relevant to Her creation like a professor who outlines what will be on a test because she knows her students won't care for the material anyways. People wanted the answers to the “how to get into heaven” test, and therefore she provided it along with some fun factoids for the tryhards (as every class and every creation had at least a few of those).

No, such details were only provided to the Almighty’s creation through the visions or musings of one or another chosen mortal. Angels and demons didn’t much care to know what their purpose was or why they were present or what the rules and regulations surrounding falling were. Angels and demons were usually quite satisfied with the simple explanation that these things are ineffable. Humans were different. Some humans, however select and few their numbers, wished to know everything. These humans were known amongst mortals as philosophy majors.

If one lacks living philosophy majors, the textbook or article variety will do.

Armed with a shelving cart, Aziraphale spends the better part of an hour combing through his extensive collection, pulling off books and dissertations by long dead monks and recently dead college professors and perhaps never really alive PhD students. His demonology collection really has grown in the past few decades. He has transcripts of private conversations with medieval popes and a signed copy of the Catechism. He flips through his very annotated copy of the Bible in search of his even more annotated copy of a 2010 article on the physical constraints of demons. An encyclopedia containing the names of every major demon and their general abilities is also added to his cart (although upon its purchase Crowley was quite disappointed to hear that his new name was not used and that, rather, he was still referred to as Nachash). Then, just for good measure, he pulls out The Nice and Accurate Prophecies.

With at least twenty individual sources, Aziraphale finally sits at his desk to read.

He’s promptly reminded of the gravity of the situation. None of these sources will have a concrete explanation of what is happening to Crowley. As he’s thought over and over again through the past few decades, a reverse fall has never occurred before or at least has never been witnessed. Therefore what he expects is not a manual on how to handle these sorts of situations. Rather, what he hopes for is a confirmation that it is, at least in theory, possible to reverse fall.

He takes a deep breath to steady himself, eyes closed for a moment, before finally opening the cover of his first book.

……………………….

Crowley went downstairs the next morning looking like he’d just been emotionally run over by a truck. His sunglasses were back on and his coat was tucked around him tightly despite the warmth of the late summer. Were he to be fully honest, he just didn’t want Aziraphale realizing what an effect last night's conversation had on him. The weight of every poor decision he’d ever made was sitting on his shoulders. He was an Atlas of his own making. No sense worrying Aziraphale about it.

He steps into the central portion of the store, having expected Aziraphale to still be shelving. Aziraphale did, occasionally, de-stress by removing every book from the shelves before spending the day locked in, reorganizing the books using a new and increasingly complex system of his own creation. With how visibly uncomfortable he’d been the night before, Crowley half expected him to still be up, alphabetizing the books by the third letter of the author's mother's maiden name or something equally, exaggeratedly bad.

It’s then that he hears it: the shattering of a mug on the floor, a softly muttered non-curse, and a sudden ruffle of papers.

He follows the sound into Aziraphale’s back room and finds him seated at his desk. He only knew of the desk's existence through memory as every square inch of available space was presently covered in books and academic sources, layered as much as three sources thick in some places. In the middle of this literal storm of paper is his angel, picking up the pieces of his favourite mug with a bit of a sigh.

Crowley leans against the doorframe as the pieces come back together, sealing as if they'd never been broken in the first place. Aziraphale turns at this, looking frazzled and a tinge manic.

"I'm sorry I didn't mean to wake you," he insists. He's comforted by Crowley's slight shake of the head, a mutually understood yet silent it's no bother.

"Was up anyways," Crowley says instead, squinting a bit to read the title of the book tucked under Aziraphale's arm. "Reading the Catechism at five in the morning, are we?"

Aziraphale's eyes light up at the reminder of his night of reckless academia. He shakes his head, opens the book, and pulls out a poorly photocopied paper before handing it over to Crowley.

"It's possible," are the only words that come with it.

Crowley raises a brow but quickly skims the perfectly highlighted portions of the paper. Worry begins to fester in his gut again, cold and bitter. It's possible. Aziraphale sounded so excited. Whether this was the normal academic excitement of discovering something new or the angelic excitement of saving the unsavable, Crowley didn't know. What Crowley did know is that this, for Aziraphale, is quite literally playing with fire. He can't risk it.

"Does anyone else know?" Crowley asks, tone lifeless. "Did you ask for guidance or talk to the Metatron or pray?"

Aziraphale's face falls a little at the unreadable tone of Crowley's voice. He hated it more than he did seeing Crowley angry. It was the tone he used when he knew something was a risk but didn't want to get Aziraphale involved. He fidgets in response, rocking imperceptibly on his feet.

"No. I didn't believe they'd be of much help. You know how angels are, not very keen on curiosity."

Crowley nods. He's still disappointed in himself for getting Aziraphale caught up in this mess, but at least Aziraphale hadn't gotten himself too deeply involved yet. Crowley could still fix it.

"This doesn't leave this room and you aren't going to look into this anymore," he says, tone cold as he hands him back the paper. "Don't get yourself involved."

Aziraphale’s brows furrow and he stutters a bit, as if he’s attempting to fully process the gravity of Crowley’s tone, to somehow make sense of it in conjunction with his own hidden excitement. Something in Crowley aches and Aziraphale feels it as if the pain were his own. But something about how Crowley is reacting angers Aziraphale. He feels a need to hurt whoever made Crowley think that he wasn’t worth being saved. It steeles him, his anger, directed at this mystery entity that makes Crowley question his self worth so constantly.

“I wasn’t there when you fell,” he says, tone measured, clipped. “Therefore I have no way of knowing who is responsible for your feeling the way you do. But a third category, fallen but neither angel nor demon, is theoretically possible and if this isn’t mercy, I don’t know what is.”

“Mercy, angel, is for humans. She made that very, very clear when she damned us all to hell for asking questions.”

Crowley just about spits the response, but he can’t help it. Aziraphale is insufferable, bull headed when he wishes to be and as much as this is usually what makes Crowley like him, Crowley also knows this will one day be Aziraphale’s demise. If the angel being angry at him is what it takes for him to drop this line of inquiry, he’ll take it even if it means losing him.

“You’re playing with fire and I’m not staying to watch,” Crowley concludes before walking out the door.

#Aziraphale #aziraphale/crowley #aziraphale x crowley #crowley x aziraphale #crowley #Ineffable Husbands #ineffable husbands fanfiction #ineffable husbands fic #ineffable idiots #My writing #good omens #good omens fanfiction #good omens fanfic #good omens fic #reverse fall au

[royalcordelia]

when the sun goes to sleep (1/1)

..Drabble prompt #2 from @length-of-rope who asked for Gilbert confessing his feelings for Anne with bitter results. This is going to be leaning into full length territory, whoops! Also it’s a little angsty, so let me know if you’d like a second part! ~ Hope you enjoy!!..

Shirbert Drabble Collection [2 / ?]

Anne always thought she like to watch him go. Not because she was happy to see him leave, but because she always got the faint feeling that perhaps he would stay longer if he could. Or maybe it was that he wanted her to trail along with him. 

Whatever the source of the longing in his eyes was, he would always stop at the end of the drive at Green Gables, look back at her, then head home. No wave, no last call goodbye, just a small, happy smile and a truth that he had yet to mutter aloud to anyone. Even himself.

So focused on the memory of him standing beside her, shoulders brushing and gazes lingering, Anne nearly missed the sound of voices coming from the parlor of her own home. She stopped in the doorway, instincts telling her to restrain the rambunctious girl who always greeted guests. 

“You have to know that I don’t agree with them, Marilla!”

Rachel Lynde’s voice echoed across Green Gables like the fire siren it was, and suddenly Anne was glad she had held her tongue. Creeping like a mouse avoiding being caught, she maneuvered herself past the creaky door soundlessly and sat on the stairs. 

“I just don’t understand why you think it matters,” Marilla replied. “If no one has heard for certain of his plans, then perhaps all the gossip is over nothing.” 

“You and I both know it isn’t over nothing. Sooner or later Gilbert Blythe will propose to Anne and that fact is as true as the good Lord’s Holy Bible.” 

Anne felt her entire spirit leap out of her body and settle back into her with a jolting force. She gripped on the edge of the stairs to keep from toppling over, lightheaded and confused. There was no way Gilbert was planning to propose to her. They were friends - equals in intellect, friendly rivals in school, companions who spoke the same language that could break through loneliness. Anne knew Gilbert well enough to know that he did not feel anything remotely toward her, not even a little. 

But, oh, how she wished for it sometimes. In the depths of her heart, she wished that the whispers could be true, and that she could hold his heart. It was the disappointment that kept her protected. Even if he thought he loved her, how genuine could it be with a girl so...plain? 

“I just thought you should know what the ladies in town say about it,” Rachel concluded. 

Something in Anne snapped, and with a fire in her that ignited without warning, she was marching into the parlor where Marilla and Rachel sat wide-eyed and slack-jawed. 

“And just what do they say about it?” Anne demanded. Marilla met Rachel’s eyes, but the woman only shrugged off her friend’s warning and spoke in a gentle tone. 

“Now listen here, child, I’m only telling you myself because I don’t want you to hear it from anyone else in town when you’re not expecting to.” Anne fought back the urge to tap her foot impatiently. “The ladies in town say that if you were to marry Gilbert Blythe, it would ruin his career as a doctor. If he’s to be the medical professional around here, he’ll need someone...sturdier, more level headed.” 

Ruin his - what? 

“Oh, don’t look like that, Anne” Marilla comforted. “You know how cruel the Avonlea ladies are. Don’t put any stock in the things they say.” 

But the Avonlea ladies made up the society that Gilbert would reign doctor over. If they spoke something as truth, perhaps they knew best of it, then. 

“It doesn’t matter. Gilbert isn’t going to propose to me,” she heard herself saying. “I think I’m going to go upstairs to read a little.” 

The book was open on her lap, but Anne only stared blankly down at the words. It ached enough to know that she was too plain to catch Gilbert’s affection, but for the entire town to know she wasn’t sturdy enough to be his wife, and that she’d ruin his medical career was more than she was prepared to weather through. A stray tear slid down her cheek, dribbling at the edge of her chin before she swiped it away. 

Was she really that hopeless of a girl?

“You know, I thought I might find you here. Marilla said you and Mrs. Lynde had a little bit of a spat yesterday.” 

Anne looked up to see Gilbert standing before her, blocking the sun from shining in the small patch of earth next to the willow tree where she sat. Just the sight of him was a salve on her aching heart and another tight, twisting pain all at once. Relief and agony twisting her every which way, for once striping away her ability to speak. So instead, she patted the grass beside her. Gilbert sat with the same ease as he always did around her, pushing back a stray hair sticking up from her head as he settled against the tree. 

“What’cha got there?” he asked, poking a finger down into Anne’s lap where she was weaving a huge collection of dandelions together into a crown. 

“Diana wants me to make her a crown of flowers for her wedding,” Anne explained softly. “I’m practicing on something small first, so that it doesn’t fall apart atop her head when she’s at the altar with Jerry. One less thing for Mrs. Barry to add into her eventual temper outburst, I suppose.” 

“I admire Diana for still marrying Jerry even though her parents disapprove,” he  said in a strange voice. “She deserves to be the person she wants without judgement from everyone else.” 

Anne got the sinking feeling that Gilbert wasn’t just talking about Diana. Maybe Mrs. Lynde had been right. Maybe - 

“There’s actually something I’ve been wanting to talk to you about, Anne,” Gilbert continued. He took the crown in her lap and placed it on her auburn hair. His eyes softened the way they sometimes did when he was thinking of something couldn’t see, the same way people look at stars and the sea. He sat on the back of his heels before her, hands slowing moving to hold hers. “I’d just rather you heard it from me than the ladies in town.”  

“Gilbert-” Anne’s heart felt like it was clawing its way up her throat. How could she stop him from whatever he was going to say next? 

“You’ve done all the talking in this friendship, Anne-girl. Just give me a few minutes to speak my peace before I lose my nerve.” His hands did take hers then, and Anne felt herself tighten her grip against her will. She felt if she let go, she’d widdle into nothingness and float into the wind - away from Gilbert somewhere where he couldn’t find her. 

“What is it?” she said meekly. He opened his mouth, then closed it with a furrow in his brows. He tried again, only no sound would come out. Anne thought about what she’d heard Rachel Lynde saying, and fear twinged at her nerves. 

Just as she was about to retract her touch from him, he said, “Anne, I care about you.” 

“Well I care about you too, Gil, but-” 

“Not just like a friend. I mean, I cherish you as a friend, as someone I can confide in and trust with anyone, but it’s more than that. I want- ” His voice cracked a little, and he swallowed. “I want to be with you, and I’ve spent a lot of time pretending that it wasn’t true, but I was just lying to myself and lying to you. I’m done lying, though.” 

Anne fortified herself, wishing the tree wasn’t pressed against her back so she might flee. 

“I love you, Anne. I can’t remember when it started, but I can’t remember a time when I didn’t love you.”

Anne felt the whole world crumbling around her. Goodness, she was so happy, though. Why was she so elated to hear those words from his mouth? And if she was so happy, why did it hurt so badly? Then she remembered with a start - she was poison for his future. If they were together like he wanted - like they both wanted - he’d only grow to resent her, to regret they’d ever done it. 

But still, she wanted to leap into his arms and bury her face in his neck and accept him with all the feelings that she had contained in her heart for years. She wanted to laugh and cry and yell into the sunset sky about the endless days of pining and craving his attention. She wanted to analyze every meaningful stare he’d ever thrown her way, having burned every single one into her memory, never to be forgotten. 

But she didn’t want him to hate her in the future, either. And he would. If she ruined his dream of becoming a successful doctor with her own outlandish ways, if she made it so no one would ever trust him because of her inadequacies, she’d never be able to forgive herself and neither would he.

Anne reached forward, caressing both of his cheeks in her tender hands. She bent his head toward her and pressed her lips to the spot where his dark curls danced along the soft skin of his forehead. 

She lingered there for a second and said against his skin where he couldn’t see the pain on her face, “I’m so sorry, Gilbert. But I can’t.” 

GIlbert tore away from her, shock evident on his face. Not just shock - the betrayal in his eyes was no different than it would have been if Anne had taken a blade and run him through. The effects of her rejection were immediate. He stood up and back away a few steps, the air between them burning like acid. His eyes were glassy. 

“I thought...I was so sure that...” he mumbled out. Anne had to bite the inside of her cheek from yelling at him that he was right all along. That she did care for him the way that he cared for her. 

But she couldn’t. And it was too late to change that. Not with things the way they were, not with his future hanging in the balance.

“I’m sorry,” she managed to say through her own lump of tears. She reached for one of his hands, but he jerked back as if he had touched fire. 

“You don’t have to apologize.” His voice was rough, nails on a chalkboard to her ears. “I’d better...” He pointed behind him. “I’ll see you around.” 

She waited until he was gone, dark hair and strong back lost in the colors of the sunset, before leaning against the tree and weeping out an entire friendship’s worth of tears. Maybe she was terrible for him, after all. 

Oh, what had she done?

#anne with an e #anne of green gables #shirbert #anne and gilbert #anne x gilbert #tessa writes #shirbert drabble collection #this the saddest thing I've written in a while! #i've got some happier requests lined up though! #let me know what you thought!

[thesoutherncloset-blog]

An Introduction

Hi there! You can call me J. I’m just a lady who grew up in the Southern US under very strict religious guidance. And one other thing: I am SO gay, you guys.

I’ve known myself to be bisexual from at least the 7th grade, although I sometimes remember little bits of memories that leave me giggling at the obliviousness of it all. I honestly have had a hard time labeling myself in the last few years, no doubt a result of being brought up in an environment where you can’t just follow your instincts. Was I ever in romantic love with my former boyfriends or was I settling because I didn’t have the option to date women? The verdict is still out on that one.

Over the past few years, I’ve embraced my sexuality and continuously fought the self-hate and self-doubt that made up the majority of my adolescence/young adulthood. I want to be clear--I am still struggling to come out to my family, former coworkers, and friends who are still under the spell of ultra conservative religion.

While I have moved out of the Bible Belt and personally feel more comfortable with myself than ever before, I would still deal with a ton of backlash and pain if I were to write this under my given name. It makes me feel helpless, knowing I need to be an undercover gay for a while longer. I’m on my way to adopting the “I don’t care” response for those who don’t understand me, but I’m not there yet. Have you ever felt that kind of fear? The fear that holds you back from following certain “out-and-proud” accounts on social media, afraid of someone using context clues to figure out your secret?

I often feel scared to tell my LGBTQA+ friends that I am not completely out of the closet. It feels like since I don’t have the standard “coming out” experience, I haven’t truly earned my spot in the community. I fear that I’ll be seen as weak and fake. And I know that out of all the people in the Southern US, I can’t be the only one who feels this way. That’s part of the reason why I wanted to tell my story. If I can help one person feel less alone, I want to try.

Even though I am in the closet, I am still queer. I’m still proud of being queer. I fawn over pictures of female celebs and make gay jokes like the rest of y’all. I scroll Tumblr way too much and I have a very active group chat to keep up with my very gay friends who live thousands of miles away. My heart breaks when I see LGBTQA+ characters being treated unfairly in the media. Life is hard enough, don’t we deserve to see a little bit of fake happiness on TV? Anyway, that’s a whole different blog post. Stay tuned.

This blog will kick off with a collection of personal essays. I came across some of them recently, and I think it’s time I share a little insight into what it’s like to be me. Some will make you laugh, others will make you ache. It will read as a story in chapters, so don’t miss out. The feelings are real. The situations are real. The names have been changed. (Duh.) Wherever you’re from, whatever your sexuality, I hope you come along for the ride.

PS-if you have a similar story, I’d love to chat with you so feel free to send in a message!

#thesoutherncloset #southern #southern gay #gay #lgbt #lgbtqa #lesbian #essay #personal essay #feelings #new blog #blogger #writing #writers #personal #wlw #wlw positivity #inspiration #encouragement #pride #lgbt pride

[transstudiesarchive]

Poems from a young queer trans kid who eventually made it out

New offering for this project below (click “Keep reading”). Full text for the four poems above included below that. ______________________________

Four poems written by a young queer trans kid, raised Mormon, who didn’t know out queer people existed and had never heard of the concept of being trans. I lived in a small, conservative agricultural town with seemingly more churches than people. I was the fifth of eight kids. When I came across a bunch of my childhood poetry a while back after coming out as trans, they all made so much more sense…

Once I’d Seen Seattle

I think I’m glad I didn’t know sooner—

I’m not sure I’d have made it out.

I always knew I didn’t belong, but had no idea why.

I lived in a desert of ideas. Actually, it was worse than that.

I lived at ground zero where ideas that took hold were quickly censored or driven out; there was nothing in the air in my suffocatingly small, claustrophobic town to even let me conceptualize what I would later realize to be not only my truth, but my beautiful kaleidoscope of identities.

My town might as well have been an island because we never left the city limits. The only time anyone ever left was when my parents traveled to nearby towns for cancer treatments or other medical care.

I am the fifth of eight children raised in what I thought at the time was a staunch Mormon home. My dad was the eldest of six, all of whom lived within thirty minutes of us.

My siblings joked that I had to be adopted because it was clear I didn’t fit. Nothing fit.

But I kept trying.

I was a mama’s child and for some reason I was driven to be a golden child. I wanted to excel at everything and make my mom proud. But in my town, that meant Cub Scouts, then Boy Scouts along with church groups which became gender-segregated church groups and gender-segregated sports at school and at church. And outside school and church? Partying, partying, partying. And three-wheeling and fishing and shooting guns and hunting. But I never went hunting. (Even then, decades before waking to veganism, I couldn’t fathom how anyone could point a gun at a beautiful, innocent animal—a sentient being with a will to live—and pull the trigger.)

So I kept trying, sometimes channeling some fictional character to manifest some forced hyper-masculinity and jackass behavior. Somehow I survived all that and so did my closest friends. Even though at least a couple kids every year didn’t survive.

I learned about ‘homosexuals’ from the bible and felt a combination of curiosity and fear. Even as I sensed the repulsion and fear in others whenever it came up, I found myself fascinated. Was this me? Two close childhood friends later came out as queer.

Maybe, I told myself at the time, my discomfort in all-male spaces was because I was really attracted to guys and frightened it might show or that I would be tempted to act on those feelings.

But that didn’t explain how much discomfort, bordering on distress, I felt when I had to wear masculine church clothes—button-down shirts and jackets and slacks and ties and Oxford shoes. My mouth is getting that vomity sensation just writing this.

I remember the horror I felt one day when my sister pointed at my bare chest:

“You’re growing chest hair! You’re becoming a man!”

It’s the first time I remember feeling truly depressed. I found myself feeling more isolated as time passed and activities at school grew more polarized. Skipping events started to feel much better than staying and having to be one of the guys.

I loved nothing more than when I’d be invited to activities with the girls—but they were so heartbreakingly few! So I often stayed home, a devoted mama’s child, happy to help out with what she asked me to do.

In junior high school I had that rare teacher who loves what they do and has held onto the spark. He brought homemade borscht in when we were studying Russian literature.

I have no idea how, in a town like ours, he got approval to do this let alone budget, but he took us on an overnight trip to Seattle to see Shakespeare productions, art museums, art galleries and the science center. My world went from gray to a riot of color during that trip.

I don’t know if I saw something or someone in particular while there; if I did, it never registered consciously. But that trip lit something in me that gave me hope about who I was and who I could become. I knew there was someplace better for me.

In some ways, that made the next four years more difficult and more painful than the years before. Because compared to Seattle, my town was hell. Specifically, my town was a dull bathroom break in the red-state flyover part of hell. And I had four more years ahead with no clear path out even then.

I got contacts and became the class clown, but I lived under storm clouds I couldn’t dispel. My grades suffered. When I was at risk of not graduating, some friends of the family came up with a plan. I moved in with them and after graduation, at their encouragement, I left for a two-year Mormon mission to Japan.

Then I came back, moved to Seattle, met someone amazing, sang her Somebody by Depeche Mode without missing a word in the middle of the store at the mall where we worked. We got married in the temple because for some reason I was still doing that then. I struggled off and on with the feeling I might be gay. It was still all I knew; the only option that could explain the fact that I was different. That I didn’t belong.

I knew I’d made it out when I went back to visit my parents one year and the clerk at the drugstore asked my partner and I if we had ever visited the area before. I asked how they knew we were from out of town and they said, “I can just tell. Are you from Seattle or something?”

Almost thirteen years after saying “I do,” we divorced after giving an open relationship a try. I was a workaholic the entire time. A had a few relationships of varying duration, including some casual relationships with men. A couple months after swearing to stay single for a year I met the person I hope to spend the rest of my life with. We met through mutual friends, but both had online dating profiles and both had ours set to exclude vegans because WTF? How does that even work? Then we got together and went vegan.

Over the last several years before we met, the idea of being trans hit my radar. I’d talked with previous partners about it. I’d even gone through the not-atypical pattern of splurge-and-purge where I would embrace my sense of who I was and buy a bunch of skirts, cute tops, dresses and other things that never saw the world outside our house. My partners were supportive. But then I would panic and get rid of everything and go back to life in drag. I would do things like let my fingernails grow long, shave my armpits and some of my body hair, pluck my eyebrows—but never enough to “give me away,” as far as I knew.

Then at the age of 47 I learned my company was going through a restructuring and my department was being eliminated. Having grown up in poverty, I’d always let a stable job and reliable income take precedence over everything else. And my life history reflected that. But because of my partner, my circle of friends and who I’d allowed myself to become, I did something I never thought I would do. I left my job, volunteered at the local QIATBLG+ community center two days a week, did other social justice organizing and volunteer work, came out as trans, changed my name, updated all my legal documentation (including the non-binary X gender marker on my driver’s license) and enrolled in school full time. I had been on the fence on whether to start school or start a non-profit to serve the area trans and queer communities. When I learned about the brand new major at PSU—Sexuality, Gender and Queer Studies—I knew what I had to do. And I knew my life was right on track. - Iris @ Age 49

Signs of Humanity

Why can’t I be human? I’m called a child when I cry So I hold my feelings deep inside. Again I ask you, why?

Why can’t I be human? When I laugh, they think I’m weird. So I just smile to myself. Are feelings to be feared?

Why can’t I be human? When I’m quiet, they ask what’s wrong, So I think of something to talk about. Must I do this to belong?

Why can’t I be human? I’m scoffed at when I make a mistake. So I just turn and walk away, Though deep within, I ache.

Why can’t I be human? Why can’t I act like me?!?! Instead of just another model in… Series: Humanity. - by Iris @ Age 14

Close Your Eyes and Look at Me

Do not judge me by appearance. You have eyes but cannot see. Look at my spirit and my feelings. Close your eyes and look at me!

Hold your ears so you can listen. Hear my meaning, not my words. It is my heart that is speaking now. Is my language so absurd?

Quell your pride so you can feel. I know that you care deep inside. Why must these feelings that are so human Be held within, always denied? - by Iris @ Age 15

Balanced Confusion

Just sitting here, my mind is spinning With contemplative images. Caught in limbo between past and future, Unable to focus on the present. Trapped in a loop of unanswerable questions, I seek out nonexistent facts. Falling toward my termination— Groping for what is not there. Each time I sense a certain order And settle to a steady state, A new unknown begins to form And throws me into chaos. Emotions reign in my subconscious Running rampant, take their toll. I struggle to cling to reality, But slip across the line… Perceptions are nearly nullified. I no longer trust my senses. I crawl to the center of my mind And slumber in balanced confusion. - Iris @ Age 14

Sitting in the Oven

Sitting in the oven Wondering why the hell I’m here. I’m thinking and feeling something… Not sure what, but sure not fear.

It’s not too comfortable in here. I’m sitting on the wire rack; The bars aren’t big enough for my butt And there’s nothing to support my back.

Looking through the dirty glass I can see life passing by outside. Something is welling up inside me; I’m not sure what, but it’s sure not pride.

I guess I don’t like it here, But there isn’t much that I can do. Maybe if someone opens the door I’ll jump and try to make it through.

I’ve come to the conclusion That this is not the way to live. I’m thinking and feeling something… Not sure what, but sure not initiative. - Iris @ Age 16

[anthemverseduology]

Geraldine

I was four-years-old when my mother split town for Toledo. Like most people in my life, my mother never liked me much. She'd met my father, and as legend would tell it, she fell in love with him. He was around for a while, but before or soon after I was born he disappeared, too. He left me with my name, William, and his black hair and blue eyes, then he vanished like vapor.

My mother was indifferent to me, that I can remember. She sent me to every daycare facility that she could, but the children always avoided me, leaving me to play in the corners alone. When I wasn't left to myself the teachers would sit me facing the wall, as if there was something about me that they couldn't stand to look at. Finally, one day, my mother dropped me off at her sister, Geraldine's, and then without a word of farewell, she was gone.

I cried a lot in those early days, as you would imagine a little boy missing his mother might do, but Geraldine wasn't sympathetic to my feelings at all. She was a cold and callous woman, and I knew that she didn't truly care for me, even as young as I was. Geraldine set me up in a room at the top of the stairs that I was fairly certain had once been a storage closet. There was one, tiny window that looked down onto the alleyway, but the building just behind Geraldine's blocked out most sunlight.

There was always dust in the air, and all that I was allowed to keep on the shelves in my room were two thrifted pairs of jeans, four pairs of underwear that I'd have to wash myself by hand, then hang to dry (she didn't want me using too much water or power), and two t-shirts, that were over-sized on me to start with. Eventually, I grew into them, but by that time they'd been worn threadbare.

I remember Geraldine like a dark shadow in my life. She was tall and imposing, with long, dark-brown hair that she kept drawn back, half-up in a tight knot at the crown of her skull. Her eyes were small, almost appearing black at times when she was particularly filled with brimstone. Her clothes all seemed like they were de-saturated, with the exception of two dresses; one in blue, and one in red that she would wear on her outings to meet with men that she called her 'friends'.

Geraldine had spoken many times about the ungrateful nature of my mother, saying often that she had run my father off, instead of convincing him to stay so that we would have money. As I grew older, I realized that all Geraldine cared about was being well-off, and when I reached eight years old that became more and more apparent as I finally found my first friend.

“Hey!” a kid around my age shouted, just before Steve's fist connected with my jaw again. I'd never done anything to Steve, Gary, and Dave, but they hated me all the same, and they made sure that I felt it on a daily basis. Sometimes it was my ribs that they pummeled, but that day my face had particularly offended them. “Let him go!”

Steve turned, looking to his right, pausing with his fist drawn back. “Stay outta this, MacFerrily.”

The other boy let out a loud scoff. “I don't think I will! You really wanna try me, Stephen?”

“Screw it,” Gary said as he and Dave turned my arms loose, and I fell to my hands and knees, spitting blood from where I'd bitten down on my tongue from an uppercut to my chin. “See you tomorrow, Willy.”

“It's...'Billy',” I said, coughing a little as Steve reluctantly followed Gary and Dave down the sidewalk. “Assholes.”

“What's those guys' damage?” The boy that Steve had called MacFerrily helped me to my feet, before grimacing as he looked at my face. “They do this to you a lot?”

“Every day since school started,” I said, wiping the back of my hand over my chin to get some of the blood off of my skin. “Thanks for stoppin' them.”

“You woulda done the same for me...I'm Frank,” he said, putting his hand out to shake mine before noticing the blood on my knuckles. “Get a lick in on them?”

I looked down at my own hand, shaking my head. “Took a swing at Gary and hit the wall.”

“Is it broke? You need a doctor or somethin'?” Frank asked, looking concerned.

“No, way. My aunt would kill me for goin' to a hospital,” I said, flexing my fingers, unable to help the hiss that escaped through my teeth. “Doctors cost too much.”

“Yeah, but if it helps keep you from havin' a messed up hand, don't you think she'd want you to go?” Frank asked, clearly confused. “My mom takes me to see the doc if I blink wrong.”

“I've never been to the doctor. I just know that she says it costs too much,” I said, inspecting a new rip in the collar of my shirt. “Damn...”

“What happens when you get sick?” Frank crossed his arms over his chest, seeming as though he was angry on my behalf.

“I get a can of soup and some crackers, and she leaves me in my room,” I said, shrugging. “Why?”

“Look, I don't mean to be nosy or nothin', but is your aunt poor?” Frank looked uncomfortable, but there was still concern in his eyes.

It was the first time that I'd really thought about that. Geraldine had always had nice new things, she was always out on the weekends, and she always had her meals after I went to bed. In the mornings, when I'd take out the garbage, I'd find the remnants of T-bone steaks or whole chicken meals, while I'd been sent to bed with oatmeal or broth. Something in my head and my heart clicked at that moment, but I needed the confirmation. “I have to go, Frank. Gotta see about somethin',” I said, turning to walk away. “Thanks again for the save.”

“Hey, listen, Billy,” Frank said, stopping me. “You could sit with me at lunch and recess. Those guys are cowards. I've been scrappin' with my older brother and his buddy, Rick, since I was little. I'll help keep Steve, Gary, and Dave out of your hair.”

I nodded my head once, feeling my head pounding with the ache setting in from having my face used as a punching bag. “I will,” I said, raising my left hand to wave goodbye to him as I made my way home, to Geraldine's house. Normally, I would have crept inside the front door, trying to make as little noise as possible, hoping that I wouldn't incur her wrath. That afternoon, though, I wanted to get her attention.

“Geraldine!” I called down the hall, my voice echoing off of the walls that were covered in gaudy wallpaper. “Where are you?”

Geraldine's face appeared around the kitchen doorway. “Who do you think that you're talkin' to in that tone, William Anderson?”

“I'm talkin' to you! Are you rich?” I asked, my voice coming out in an embarrassing squeak.

“What did you just ask me?” Geraldine asked, stepping into the doorway, holding a plate of chocolate cake, which I was never allowed to have.

“Are you damned rich?” I shouted, pointing at the floor.

“How dare you use that language with me, young man!” Geraldine shouted, throwing the plate she held, spattering chocolate frosting all over the wall. “Look what you made me do! Clean that up!”

“You clean it up! You're the one that made the mess. Answer the question. Are you rich?” I yelled back, even as she charged at me.

She grabbed me by the jaw, never questioning where the lacerations on my face and lip came from. “You insolent little shit. I should throw you right out on the street! See how you fend for yourself!”

“I might do better,” I growled.

“Oh, you think that you'll make it in the world alone? No one can stand the sight of you, William! You're a pustule on the face of the Earth. You shouldn't exist! You're the bastard son of a drifter and a weak-willed whore, and you're lucky that you're even alive!”

Any argument I had ready was silenced by her slapping me hard across the face. With the injuries I'd already sustained, and the pain in my head, I lost consciousness immediately. When I woke up I was in a dark space. I could see, but only just a little; enough to know that I was in the storage space underneath the basement stairs. I pushed on the door in a futile attempt to get out, then I started pounding. “Let me out! Open the door! Let me out!” I was left in the room with nothing but a Bible, a jug of water, and a loaf of bread. No one ever came to rescue me. Finally, the door creaked open, and I scrambled out, facing Geraldine in her finest red dress.

“I'm goin' out. Don't leave this house or I'll lock you right back where you belong,” she said, batting me across the face for good measure. “You'll obey or you'll go to Hell...What do you say...?”

“Yes, ma'am,” I said, resisting the urge to put my hand to the wound on my cheek that had been split open again by her strike. Blood had dried on my face, and it itched, but still I didn’t move. “When'll you be back?”

“That's not your business! Read four chapters in your demonology book,” she said, leaning towards me so that her nose was close to mine. “You need to remember your place, you little shit. You're lucky that I took you in or you'd be on the streets.”

“Being on the streets would be better than having to deal with you,” I said, feeling unusually bold.

Geraldine inhaled deeply through her nostrils, her eyes wide and glaring as if she hoped that she could kill me with a look. “You're lucky that you're lucrative.”

“There it is,” I said, feeling vindicated and still sick to my stomach. “What do you get out of keeping me? Tell the truth.”

“You want the truth?” Geraldine asked, laughing. “Your mama and papa couldn't stand you. No one can. You're an insufferable child, and you have no redeemable qualities to speak of. You, Billy, are a waste of flesh. Heaven couldn't possibly want you, so you must be bound for Hell.”

“And where do you think that you're gonna go, Auntie Geraldine?” I asked in a mocking tone.

She raised her hand as if she was going to strike me again. “No, no. If my hand is red I'll have things to explain...Get out.”

“What?” I asked, incredulously. “‘Get out’?”

“Get out of my house. I don't care where you go,” she said, crossing her arms. “You're not staying here while I'm gone.”

“I have school tomorrow!” I argued.

“Well, you should have thought of that before you decided to be so disrespectful!” Geraldine growled as I backed towards the front door.

“No! I need somewhere to sleep! You can't just leave me out here!” My back hit the front door, then like a malicious tower Geraldine was looming over me. “I'm just a kid.”

“You've never been ‘just a kid’. You're a cancer on this planet, and if I could eradicate you, I would.”

I found myself speechless. I'd felt unwanted before, but I'd never had anyone tell me so specifically how expendable I was. I moved away from the door in quick steps, letting Geraldine pass. She sneered at me as she walked out into the evening, slamming the door behind her. That was the last night that I cried for myself until many years later.

That's a whole other story.

What's important here is what happened to Geraldine.

***

It came as a surprise to me when twenty years after the afternoon that Geraldine had locked me in the closet I found myself once again in her presence. I was out on the road with some new friends, riding our motorcycles cross-country, seeing what trouble we could stir up wherever we went. Some nights, though, I got to dwelling on everything that I'd left back home, then bitterness and loneliness would settle in my chest. Those nights I allowed my three friends to do what they might, and I tried to hide myself in the darkest corner of the darkest upscale bar. My friends loved the dives, as did I normally, but they avoided any place with class. The denizens of those kinds of bars tended to have money, they would be missed, and many of them had contracts with Hell, so they were off limits, anyway.

I could go into the details of how I knew about the contracts, but this story isn't about me.

This story is about Geraldine.

That night she sat at the bar across the room from me, flirting with a man who was much older than her, but his wristwatch was expensive, and he kept ordering the most costly scotch they had on the shelf. He projected old money, and he had the distinct appearance of a man who had never done any real work in his life besides pointing a finger as he shouted.

He was perfect for her.

Unfortunately for the potential future of the couple, fate had smiled on the old fool, and my Path and Geraldine's had crossed once more. I waited until the man had gone to the bathroom for the fifth time that hour, then I tossed back the rest of my vodka, heading over to the bar. I sat my empty glass down on the counter, standing next to her as she adjusted the straps of her red dress to attempt to hide the wrinkles of her shoulders. “Hello, Geraldine,” I said, fixing my eyes on the rack of glasses above my head.

Out of the corner of my eye I could see her head snap over to look up at me, her eyes widening. “William? What are you doin' here?” she asked, looking around her quickly as the other people in the room froze right where they were. The only sound still filling the air was Geraldine's nervous breathing, and the music being piped in over the bar’s stereo system. Electronics have no respect for the way that time works. If you've ever had a song skip ahead for no reason, consider if you might have been frozen in a moment and didn't even know it. Geraldine was starting to shift away from me out of her seat, careful to snatch her purse off of the bar top as though her life depended on the object. “How are you doing this? What do you want? I gave you over to those people so that I wouldn't ever have to look at you again.”

“Ah, yeah. My family...” I bowed my head a little as I looked down into my empty glass before reaching over the bar to grab a cheap bottle of whiskey. “I'm not really welcome at home right now—not the way that I am. See, what you always said was true. I'm a curse on the Earth, and lately I've been leaning into the curve, so to speak.”

Geraldine screwed her features up into a scowl. “What does that mean?”

I turned down the corners of my mouth, closing my eyes as I shrugged slightly as the televisions mounted behind the bar that normally showed live updates on the stock market, all switched to different national news stations reporting on the same thing. “Maybe you should watch more TV, Geraldine,” I suggested, taking a swig from the whiskey in my hand.

“Multiple murders, assaults, and destruction have been reported now across the eastern United States. Authorities in all of the local areas and the FBI say that they are certain that there is a tie to a group of individuals on motorcycles. Witnesses at each scene said that these people were calling themselves 'Horsemen', though they say that one of the group is a female,” the reporter said, looking grim. “No one is certain if she's being held against her will.”

I couldn't help but let out a snort of mild annoyance. “Agata’s problem is that--against her will--nobody's holding her.”

“What is this?” Geraldine asked, holding up a hand to gesture at the televisions. “Are you sayin’ that you're one of the people doin’ this?”

“No, no, no. We're not people,” I said, shaking my head as I gripped the neck of the whiskey bottle, pointing at Geraldine. “'I looked, and behold a pale horse, and his name that sat on him was Death, and Hell followed with him.' I'm sure that you remember the verse well. You know, I used to skim the bits about the Horsemen. I thought it was ridiculous, you know? Not scary, at all! Let me tell you, though, Geraldine, there's a lot of horsepower in a motorcycle.”

“I always knew that if you survived you'd grow up to be a wicked, sinful, monster,” Geraldine growled through gritted teeth, leaning towards me slightly, as she used to do when I was much smaller than her. The intimidation would no longer work. She had no power at all, and I stood a whole foot taller than her. I took a step forward, looming over her as she had once done to me, seeing fire flames flash in front of my vision as Geraldine's expression changed to one of horror. “You said that I was bound for Hell, but it seems to have turned out that Hell was bound for me. I've tried to leave it behind me, but it follows me wherever I go. Do you understand?”

“I don't...What happened to you, Billy?” she whispered, tears of terror running down her face.

“Oh, ho! So, now it's 'Billy'! I thought I was a pustule?” I asked, hopping up to sit on the bar top, knocking off her martini glass. I looked down after it briefly before turning back to her. “Oops. Eh, you break a glass, you destroy a few cities—same difference in the long run. Except when it isn't. What do you know about that, though? You just tried to destroy an innocent little boy.”

“You were never innocent. Clearly, by your behavior now,” Geraldine said, her voice quaking as she tried to inch backwards away from me. I wasn't quite done talking yet, and she found herself locked in place where she stood. “Why can't I move?”

“I'm in a mood,” I said. “If you were anybody else I might have let you try to run. I'd have let you think that you were getting away, and then I would have made some great gesture of power to show you that you're just a little, tiny thing in the grand scheme of the Universe. Not even a blip on the radar, really, and that's strictly down to you.”

Geraldine reached down, jerking at her ankle, as if simply pulling her foot from her shoe would allow her to flee. “You stop this right now, or I—”

“Or, you'll what?” I growled, the vibration of my voice rattling the glass in the bar. “Throw me in a closet? Toss me out on the street without so much as a jacket, or a place to sleep? I sleep wherever I want now. I dress how I like. I drink, I smoke, I've done a few drugs, and boy is it all fun! I've killed angels and I've made the Devil laugh. You...you're still dressing up like a two-bit floosy, just trying to find her next free ride.”

Geraldine raised a hand, slapping me hard across the face, but I didn't flinch. She grasped at her hand, looking from her wrist back up to me as she broke into sobs. “What are you?”

“I'm what you'll think about every night when you're trying to sleep. 'Will this be the night he comes for me? Will it be tomorrow?'” I asked, mockingly. “You'll wait every day for that moment when I'll appear again. One day you'll start wishing that I would come. You'll wish that I'll appear to you and just get it all over with—whatever it is that I'm going to do.” I hopped down off of the bar, moving to stand just in front of the spot that she was still frozen in. “The next time you see me, Geraldine Sharp, will be at the moment of your demise, for I am Death, and Hell waits for you.”

“No, please, no! I've prayed! I've gone to church! I've done all that I was supposed to!” Geraldine pleaded, tears streaming down her face.

“You tortured and neglected a little boy in your charge. A little boy, I might add, that you probably shouldn't have been a dick to, being that I inherited some serious power,” I said, turning the whiskey bottle up to chug from it for a moment as gold lightning flashed outside the windows of the bar. “I see where your time-line ends, Auntie. You keep a watch out. You never know when I'll be coming for you. Could be in twenty years...could be tonight.”

Geraldine jerked to a stumbling run, screaming at the top of her lungs, as if she was on fire. The other patrons in the bar looked after her in disgust or confusion, watching her push past the man she'd been flirting with earlier, nearly knocking the elderly gentleman to the floor. Her shrieks could still be heard from the entrance as she ran towards the elevator bank.

“Good Heavens, boy,” the old man said, coming over to stand next to me as I feigned bewilderment. “What on Earth was that?”

“Sir, she seemed to believe that I was the Angel of Death!” I said with a smirk. “I guess it takes all kinds, am I right?”

The old man let out a choking laugh, the stage four lung cancer he wasn't telling anyone about suffocating him a little further. “I suppose that you are right!” he wheezed. “Shame, I was going to move her into my manor house, in Vale.”

“Is that right, Marvin?” I asked, the wheels in my head beginning to turn. A house would be nice, and Marvin wouldn't mind dying early.

[nadjastersurveys]

How many pounds do you want to lose? I don’t want to lose any weight

What would you have been named if you had been born the opposite gender? I’m not sure

What’s one thing that makes your heart ache? Just sad stuff lol

Is your hair naturally curly, wavy, or straight? Straight

Do you like curly or straight hair better? I love curly hair but I don’t think it would fit me, I like my hair straight but in general curly hair is prettier

Do you find skinny jeans comfortable? Not when I want to chill at home but I don’t mind wearing them in public for example

What’s one unpopular opinion that you have? I don’t like strawberries. Is that unpopular? They have to be really sweet for me to like them but that’s rarely the case

Have you ever tried Bible art journaling? No, I don’t even know what that is?

Were you born in the 90’s? No

Were you born in the 80’s? Nope, in the 2000s

Which American Girl doll did you have, if any? I didn’t have one

What color is your cell phone? Rose gold

What color was your first cell phone? It was red/pink something like that

Have you ever been abused by a pastor? No

Have you ever been bullied by a teacher? Yeah in elementary school, she was really mean, not just to me but to couple other kids as well. And she didn’t care about some other kids bullying me

Do you have memories that torment you? Yes

Have you ever read a book that gave you nightmares? No

What was the name of your first imaginary friend? I didn’t have an imaginary friend

What was your best subject in elementary school? I liked English the most and I think I was pretty good at it as well. Also geography

What was your favorite subject in high school? I’m not in high school yet lmao, but in middle school I still liked geography and the languages

Do you consider yourself gifted? I guess?

Do you feel that people appreciate you? There’s some people that do

What’s your passion? Dancing, watching movies and listening to music, spending time with nice people in my life

Are you living your dream? No haha

What is your dream job? I don’t know

Ever had a crush on a teacher? No

How do you react when you get stung by a bee? I've never been stung by one

Have you ever been obsessed with a celebrity? If so, who? Not really obsessed, no

Have you ever been raped? This took a wild turn. Anyway I haven’t

Have you ever been accused of being gay? Couple times by my friends, yes

Are you heterosexual? No, I’m bisexual

What’s one thing that makes you swear? Just my brain being itself lol

What Disney princess do you look the most like? (if you’re female) I guess Mulan the most? I surely don’t look like any of the others lmao

What are you known for? I don’t know

Do you enjoy camping? I’ve never actually done it

What color shirt are you wearing? Black and it has a little bit of yellow

Do you wear yoga pants? Sometimes

Do you take vitamins? When I remember to 

Does your heart ache for the past? I guess

Are you lonely? No, I don’t feel that way

Were you lazy today? I’m lazy everyday, so yes

Did you leave the house today? No

Are you hurting? No

Do religious people piss you off? No they don’t, I’ve personally never had anyone “shove their religion down my throat” and for example two days ago I was walking outside with one of my friends and then two women came to us and asked if they could pray for us if we have some worries or pains or something like that, we just simply said that we’re good and wished them a good day haha. They we’re really nice even though some of the stuff they said we didn’t really agree with but I wasn’t pissed off by any means?? They have their own beliefs and we have our own so I can’t see any problems with that

Do you feel shy around certain people? Around new people yes

Do you look your age? I guess? I think it’s not that easy to estimate how old you look by yourself but no one has ever said if I look older or younger than I am

What was the last restaurant you ate at? I don’t even remember haha, but we did get takeout from this local Italian restaurant couple weeks ago

What’s one word to describe your room? Small

#survey

[chfaiq5k-blog]

I love Jesus but I want to die: what you need to know about suicide

I was in California on a business trip, just yards from the beach, eating ice cream and laughing as the conversation drifted away from business. Eventually, somebody mentioned a friend-of-a-friend who had died by suicide.

The familiar ache and nausea filled my chest. My insides rattled when my coworker said he didn’t understand what would make someone feel like taking their life was the only option.

I swallowed hard and let out the breath I’d been holding. “I do.” For the first time in my life, I spoke up. “I completely get that. I’ve been there.”

My coworkers stared, jaws dangling in breathless shock. Finally, someone asked what it’s like to want to die. So I told them about the physical pain, the exhaustion, the heaviness. I told them it’s like dying of a terrible disease and wishing I could hurry it up, knowing things would only get worse.

The last two weeks have brought news of too many people wanting to die. Anthony Bourdain and Kate Spade ended their lives last week. Several of our friends’ kids have attempted suicide, shocking their church communities. Our hearts are breaking with those in such pain.

I remember my colleagues’ faces as my words sunk in. They had never heard what it’s like to be suicidal and they started to understand, at least a little. And I’m reminded how little the church knows about depression and suicide.

We are called to be the light of the world, a refuge for the broken and weary. But if we don’t understand the darkness people endure, it’s much less likely we’ll reach them in it. So here are some things every Christian should know about suicide and depression:

It’s not just mental and emotional.

The phrase “mental illness” makes it seem like it just exists in our thoughts. But it doesn’t. WebMD lists at least 12 physical symptoms of serious depression. Chronic pain develops or worsens. Chest pain, migraines, stomach problems, and a weakened immune system are some common symptoms.

There’s a bone-deep weariness that becomes a constant companion; no amount sleep or coffee can shake it off. When people say they can’t get out of bed because of depression, this is what they’re talking about.

That day at the beach, I told my coworkers about depression’s physicality. Every part of me ached from resisting gravity, as though my cells wanted to collapse in a puddle on the ground. My skin stung like lotion on a fresh sunburn and my throat hurt from the lump that lived in it. At one point, I was seriously underweight because I couldn’t force food down.

Suicide is not a selfish choice.

Sometimes people say suicide is the most selfish act you can commit. But for many battling the darkness, dying seems like the most selfless thing to do. Depression often carries an intense, shameful sense of self-hatred. In those pits, I believed I was toxic and harmful to those close to me. I was certain taking my own life would be a blessing to others.

It’s a familiar refrain. This mom thought her husband would find a beautiful new wife and mother for their baby. She knew he wouldn’t be burdened by her illness and her child would have a better mom. My good friend, Steve Austin, nearly died because he believed ending his life was best for his wife and infant son. Thankfully, he didn’t die. He spent some time in a psych ward, got on meds, and found support he’d never found in the church.

We might not be sad.

Depression isn’t sadness, as this article explains. It’s much more complex: emptiness, flatness, irritation, or a strange numbness. Many people who seek help for depression only report physical symptoms because they don’t feel sad.

For me, I first notice it as brain fog. The world seems to move in slow motion, but I still can’t keep up. All I want is sleep, not just because depression is exhausting, but because sleep is an escape.

It’s not because we don’t pray or read our Bibles.

In 2013, a Lifeway Research study found that nearly 50% of evangelicals believe that prayer and Bible study alone can conquer serious mental illness. Unfortunately, this mistaken belief prevents people from seeking the help they need.

I know this firsthand. No matter how many times I recited verses, asked for healing, and did all the other things I was supposed to do, I still had an illness. I wasn’t miraculously healed.

Of course, our God is powerful and able to heal in an instant. And sometimes, mild depression naturally goes into remission, like cancer, which may reinforce the dangerous idea that seeking medical help signifies lack of faith. Christians need to know prayer and reading hope-filled verses are important parts of a holistic self-care plan.

But they aren’t enough. It wasn’t until I started taking medication and seeing a licensed therapist (pastors don’t receive adequate training to counsel people with depression or suicidal thoughts) weekly that the darkness lifted and my chest stopped aching.

And I’m just as grateful God chooses to work through little pills and skilled professionals as if he waved a magic wand and healed me instantly. He is still the ultimate source of healing and still glorified by working through people.

People serving God wholeheartedly struggle, too.

The lie that those walking closely with God don’t ever have suicidal thoughts or other mental health issues is dangerous because it wrongly casts these issues as sin.

If we believe depression and dark thoughts are sinful, we’re more likely to feel ashamed and expect God to deal sternly with us. But the truth is he’s good and gracious, not waiting to punish us for our struggles.

Depression and suicidal thoughts don’t care about how spiritual we are. I’m sure plenty of devout believers and faithful leaders wish it did. I do.

I was in ministry – serving, preaching, leading worship, going on mission trips, leading Bible studies – but still wanting to die. Still hurting. Still hopeless.

I mentioned Steve earlier. He was a youth pastor when he tried to die. He knew what the Bible said and how to pray. He was well aware of all the “right” answers and appropriate spiritual statements. They just left him more ashamed because the stigma of being a pastor with these issues was too great.

Depression and suicide are on the rise nationwide. We can’t assume that those we love and look up to aren’t fighting the darkness.

We can’t “choose joy” or “stop thinking about it.”

Sometimes Christians tell us to “choose joy” or focus on somebody other than ourselves. There is some truth to this: caring for others and learning to cultivate joy are important parts of a healthy life.

But when death seems like the only way out of an internal torture chamber, those things don’t work. What’s worse, they become a way to mask pain. That’s how I could be involved in several ministries and wear a big smile while I wished for death.

Saying things like, “I’m so sorry you’re hurting,” and spending time with people struggling is much more effective than telling them to choose joy. It allows them to be honest, which might wind up saving a life.

Not sure what to say to someone struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts? Or are you dealing with depression and wish someone knew how to help? Click here for a free, 2-page guide to talking to struggling loved ones.

Suicidal thoughts are intrusive.

They show up, whether we want them or not, like a horror movie playing constantly in our heads. We watch our demise over and over. Sometimes, it’s terrifying. Other times, it seems like sweet relief.

Several years ago, I was part of an incredible church in Atlanta. I co-directed a non-profit and served in the youth ministry; students looked up to me and came to me for wisdom. Nobody knew how much I struggled. They never knew about the horror movie in my mind.

One tough Sunday, I stood alongside my students in worship, doing everything I could to turn my eyes upon Jesus. I told him I love him and would praise him anyway, even if I always felt like that. But when I closed my eyes, all I could see was an image of my body, swinging from the rafters.

I didn’t tell anyone.

We know we’re not supposed to have these thoughts, so we don’t tell.

We know they are not healthy and normal thoughts. We are well aware that they are uncomfortable and frightening for people to talk about. So we fight to suppress them, telling ourselves not to think such hideous thoughts. If we’ve been in treatment for a while, we might be able to recognize that those thoughts belong to the disease. We might be able to recognize them as lies.

But we might not.

We might believe God has forsaken us because we’re so bad.

The disease lies. When healing doesn’t come, it’s easy to believe that God has left. And if we’ve been taught that depression and suicidal thoughts are sinful, selfish, or displeasing to God, we may believe he’s right in abandoning us.

This is why we need to treat depression and suicide with the same compassion we treat other serious health issues. Kindness and encouragement from other believers are rich and powerful; they prove the presence of God and demonstrate his unshakeable love.

You can wholeheartedly love Jesus and be depressed.

If you’re struggling, you need to know your life can be set apart to his purpose and filled with opportunities to serve and bless others. You may still struggle. Sometimes, you might want to die, but you are no less beloved, worthy, or faithful because of the dark thoughts. And, though you may not believe it, it’s still possible to live a full, joyful life in the midst of depression.

It will require hard work and lots of support from trained professionals. It will probably require therapy, digging into painful stuff, and maybe medication. But you can still have abundant life; I know because I do.

I have to take my meds every day, spend time with Jesus in the morning, and go to therapy faithfully. I tell those closest to me when I have hard days and dark thoughts because I am determined they will not win. And a few years into my journey, I still struggle. But my life is beautiful and I’m happy.

You can be, too. But please, invest in yourself. Take care of yourself. Here are a few steps to take:

It’s easier to save a life than you think.

Earlier, I mentioned believing my death would be a blessing to others. But I’m still here because one friend noticed something was wrong and did something about it.

Angela invited me to dinner, took me along to pick blackberries with her kids, and constantly reminded me how important I was to her family. She told me she loved me, it wasn’t my fault I was broken, and God didn’t like that I was hurting. She was simply present in my pain.

On a hot July night, when I was tired of fighting to stay alive, I showed up on her doorstep because I knew it was safe. And her family walked with me through the dark.

When I needed Immanuel, God With Us, she carried him into my life. She helped me believe I was loved and my life mattered.

So often, all it takes to save a life is being Jesus to us – being present, being loving, and being light. Christ is “in you, the hope of glory” (Col. 1:27). You don’t need answers or to be able to fix it. You just need to be present, perhaps help set the doctor’s appointment or just listen. Just be aware of those hurting. Just be kind.

Depressed and suicidal people just need you to enter the dark and sit there with us, your love unchanged. You could be his arms to hold us, his hands to feed us, his voice to tell us we’re not alone. Your love and kindness are more powerful than you know.

Depression and suicide are serious issues, and my heart breaks with those of you facing them.

If you need to talk or you know somebody struggling, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or text with someone at the Crisis Text Line by texting HOME to 741741.

Feel stuck, broken, or discontent?

I have some hope to share with you. Can I send you a short manifesto for imperfect lives?

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This content was originally published here.

[woodworkingpastor]

The value of “reverse mentors” 2 Kings 5:1-15 November 11, 2018

Call to Worship

On days when we think God has nothing to do with work or family or the world:

The Bible tells us of One who was a carpenter; who wandered the streets; who even upset his family.

On days when we think the purpose of life is to make more money and fewer friends:

The Bible invites us to live our lives on behalf of others; finding a community as we do so.

On days aching with loneliness and empty of love and laughter:

The Bible draws us into the embrace of God's open heart.

Prayer of Invocation

Jesus Christ, Uncomfortable Word: you stand with society's castoffs outside the halls of respectability; you break bread with sinners and give them the seats of honor at your Table; you walk the darkened hallways of death, comforting those who are taking their last steps; and you call to us, saying, “Follow me.”

Holy Spirit, Word sifter: by your touch our anger can dissolve into gentleness; by your presence our enemies can become lifelong friends; by your joy, our envious spirits can become generous hearts.

God in Community, Holy in One, set us free to be your servants, even as we pray as Jesus taught us, saying,

 Our Father in heaven, holy is your name. Your kingdom come, your will be done on earth, as it is in heaven. Give us today our daily bread. Forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us. Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.  For yours is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, forever.  Amen.

One challenge that comes with a sermon series—especially one as long as this one—is what to do with those “special Sundays” where something else that is also important competes for the time.  We bumped into that last Sunday with having Samuel Dali with us.  It was too good an opportunity to let go, so it was easy to take a break from our Disciples Quest series for him.

The only real issue for me was what to do with this text from 2 Kings 5 that I was really looking forward to. I hated to miss it, so I decided I’d skip the one we normally would have had for today and use last Sunday’s instead.  For those of you who are reading along, we will be back with the advertised text from Isaiah next week.

By my reckoning, the healing of Naaman is the most unexpected and unusual text in this fall’s selection from the Narrative Lectionary.  Everything about this story seems at least out of place, or in some sense “wrong.”  It’s not wrong in the sense that “this isn’t God’s word,” or “we can just go ahead and ignore it and look for inspiration somewhere else.” The text is a reminder that God doesn’t always act in the ways we might prefer or bless the people we think are blessed. But it is consistent with something that we have been seeing all fall: God did not choose this particular people so that they could be proud of themselves or look down on others; they were chosen to be God’s people to be a blessing to other nations. They—and we!—are a people with a purpose; mission is written into our constitution and hardwired into our DNA. There are no qualifiers on that promise. Even when—as in this Scripture passage—those other people might happen to be our enemies.

So before we go any farther this morning I want you to think about a question: “Who would you rather not receive God’s blessing?”  Don’t get overly pious and say “I want everyone to be blessed” before you think about this a bit. Mark Lowry once described people like this, saying, “we’ll cry at their funeral, but we don’t want to go on vacation with them.” There is someone—or some category of people—that you probably have a measure of contempt for. But “blessing” means that they receive the very best thing from God that they most need. And in our New Testament/Brethren understanding of following Jesus, it means our being in relationship with them.  So who are those people for you?

In Michael’s art for our Disciples Quest, he included this little “window” on the image that shows the tools we’re carrying.  As we read Scripture together this fall we’re looking for tools that help us follow Jesus. Does this text add a tool to our collection?

We ought to get suspicious that this text will be unusual when we read that it is a story about Naaman, the commander of the army of Aram.  Not Israel. Aram, also known as “the enemy.”  Right away our radar ought to be up.  Why is the Bible telling us a story about a 5-star general in the enemy’s army?

But it continues: Naaman “was a great man, in high favor with his master, because by him the Lord had given victory to Aram.” If you want to be offended by Scripture, this is an excellent opportunity. For those of you who use Facebook regularly, think of the outrage a post like this would cause, and how many people would quickly and angrily say that God surely would not work in Naaman’s life.  It just couldn’t happen. He’s not one of us.

We can be so quick with our contempt toward those we think get their Christianity wrong. And have you ever noticed that the things we are certain are God’s will are always the things we think ought to be a certain way? But 2 Kings 5 won’t work that way for us. God has other ideas, even blessing Israel’s enemy at Israel’s own expense.

Naaman, however, has a problem—he has a skin disease. The Bible calls it leprosy, but it’s not the same thing that we call leprosy. And as we move to verse 2, we meet another unlikely character: a young Israelite girl who was captured in one of Naaman’s battles and now serves his wife. And the thing is, she acts like she cares for Naaman, at least enough to point him back to a place in Israel where he can be healed—where God can do something else in his life.

So the king of Aram sends Naaman to the king of Israel with silver, gold, new clothes, and a letter: “Please cure him of his leprosy.”  But the king is like so many of us; he can’t imagine that God would act in the life of his enemy. He effectively says, “this isn’t God, this is a trap!”

The story then moves to the prophet Elisha. Somehow word has come to Elisha of Naaman’s dilemma and Elisha says, “send him to me.”  Naaman makes the trip down to Elisha’s house, and Elisha tells him exactly what he needs to do to be healed: “Go wash in the Jordan seven times, and your flesh shall be restored and you shall be clean.”  And Naaman does a curious thing: he gets mad. Why on earth would you get mad at this? His ego gets in the way big time. It’s the same notion we talked about earlier: if it isn’t the way I think God should act, then it must not be God.  “I thought that for me he would surely come out, and stand and call on the name of the LORD his God, and would wave his hand over the spot, and cure the leprosy! Are not Abana and Pharpar, the rivers of Damascus, better than all the waters of Israel? Could I not wash in them, and be clean?” He turned and went away in a rage.

But this part of the story ends with Naaman’s own servants coming to the rescue.  They know how to talk to him; they get him to do what Elisha said, and Naaman heads back home having been cleaned.

So what does this story add to our spiritual tool box? How does this story help us follow Jesus in Roanoke in 2018?  One thing it shows us that if we are willing to be humble, then the help we most need might be found in some unlikely places. The heroes of this story are the servants and slaves, people that had next to no standing in society. And yet they knew things that the powerful people didn’t because they either didn’t know everything or were too busy being offended to realize what was right before their eyes.

Social scientists talk a lot about confirmation bias: only considering evidence that seems to validate what we already believe. For instance, if we think someone is angry with us and we call them but never receive a call back in a timely fashion, we’re tempted to say, “See, I told you they’re angry with us.” Or in Naaman’s case, “Why should I listen to this prophet?”  Or in our case, “God surely can’t do anything in that person’s life.”  The thing is, the reasons we think something is the way it is might not be correct.

2 Kings 5 shows us what can happen if we have some “reverse mentors” in our lives: somewhat “unlikely” people who can help us see important things we would otherwise miss.  A helpful spiritual discipline for our time would be to consider who we are listening to, and who we are not listening to. If you’re a senior adult, are you listening to and youth and young adults? If you’ve been a member of this congregation for a long time, are you talking with the people who have only been here a short while? Are we listening to minorities, Christians from other cultures and socio-economic levels?  Who are our reverse mentors?

As I thought about this, I was reminded of how amazed we often are at the children among us.  They very quickly learn to do some amazing things.  Then they get older and learn to do even more things like play an instrument or act in a play or score points in a ball game, and our amazement increases.

I wonder sometimes, if we are too limited in this amazement.  We should be sure to be amazed at the beautiful and creative things adults do. Hymn accompaniments by our musicians; property team members fixing or building things at the church; the way Lois Souder can take scraps that really look like trash, then show up at the Talent Show with a beautiful quilt.

And while we’re being amazed, we ought to be amazed at Jesus.  His Lordship covers every aspect of our living. There is not a square inch of creation over which he is not Lord. There is no thought that we can have that he doesn’t want to take captive and make his own. There is no problem, issue, opportunity, or difficulty in which he cannot work for good.

The apostle James told his congregation to be “quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger.” If we would do that, think what we might learn and from whom we might learn it! It is amazing to me that he does amazing things through people whom we think might be the nobodies of the world, like this servant girl and Naaman’s servants.  But there they are, the heroes of this very strange story.

So lets go back to the beginning: Who would you rather not receive God’s blessing?  Might they be “unimportant” like many assume servants are? Can you begin to imagine what you’re missing by not having people like this in your life to maybe tell you a few things you’d rather not hear?

[kellenanderson]

December 23 - Proverbs 31:4-7

4 It is not for kings, Lemuel— it is not for kings to drink wine, not for rulers to crave beer, 5 lest they drink and forget what has been decreed, and deprive all the oppressed of their rights. 6 Let beer be for those who are perishing, wine for those who are in anguish! 7 Let them drink and forget their poverty and remember their misery no more.

You could look at these proverbs and pinpoint what they’re saying about alcohol. Alcohol used in excess isn’t good for anybody. But, yes, the Bible is indicating that alcohol may not be the awful thing in all circumstances that some Christians make it out to be. It may have some credibility as a pain reliever or as a way to calm a distressed mind. On the other hand, it could be easy to read this as saying, “Leave alcohol for those without hope.” In other words, some people have resigned themselves to a certain lot in life—let the defeated be the ones to drown themselves in wine or beer. Let’s face it though, Jesus turned water into real wine. Alcohol itself is not the devil. But it’s a dangerous thing for anyone who considers himself to be a leader. A king or ruler who is a drunkard is likely to stop fighting for the needs of the oppressed (v4-5). A leader that’s pulled along by alcohol in any way jeopardizes the opportunity that God affords her in the position that He has granted her. These proverbs point us back to the idea of hope. We are to give hope to those who are oppressed. We are not to become hopeless like those who may resort to a life of drunkenness. I’ve made a personal choice in my own life never to drink alcohol. While it took me a long time to realize that drinking in and of itself is not a sin, I don’t make the choice not to drink because of some mis-guided sense of self-righteousness. I’m no less a sinner than someone else simply because I don’t drink. I really make the choice not to drink as a way to try and bring hope to others. I want kids to see that it’s possible to have fun and to be a fun person without being a party animal (yes, I think I’m a fun person, but I suppose others can be the judge of that). I want those who struggle with alcohol to see that it’s possible to live free from alcohol’s grip. I don’t want to become a stumbling block to someone for whom alcohol is a real struggle. And I don’t want to hurt my children or embarrass my wife or destroy my good name because I do something foolish in a time when I don’t have my good sense about me because of a substance that has grabbed ahold of me in a way that I can’t shake free of. There is a better hope than living that sort of life, and that hope is Jesus. Are you aching for the pain to go away? Try running into the eternally hopeful presence of the Holy Spirit rather than the temporary numbing that you can find elsewhere.

Prayer: Lord, there is a greater hope that I can find in you than anywhere else. Sometimes I lean on entertainment or exercise or other people to lift my spirits when the only thing that brings lasting joy and peace is knowing you. Help me to know you and the power of your personal care for me more today. Amen.

#december23 #proverbs31

[purplesurveys]

146

How many pounds do you want to lose? None. If anything I’d like to gain some, because being too skinny has made me look 12 for the longest time. What would you have been named if you had been born the opposite gender? My parents never really thought about that. They didn’t even know if they’d be having a boy or girl, since they wanted it to be a surprise. What's one thing that makes your heart ache? Any sort of animal abuse. Is your hair naturally curly, wavy, or straight? Naturally frizzy, but I guess my hair falls under wavy. Do you like curly or straight hair better? On mine, a little curly. Extremes of either don’t suit me.

Do you find skinny jeans comfortable? No they are absolutely not. I always dread the day I run out of dresses or shorts to wear and then have to make do with jeans, because I find them super uncomfortable to wear and move around in. What's one unpopular opinion that you have? Org culture in UP is stupid. Students would let themselves be bossed around and do unbelievable tasks just to get in an org in the university I study and it’s a pity watching them be slaves to that. I mean at least the org I joined only has good intentions and won’t let me eat a chili pepper unlike my friends who have had to do that... Have you ever tried Bible art journaling? No. There was a viral tweet before where this girl doodled all over the Bible, and I didn’t get the hype over it because it’s is supposed to be a sacred book lol. Were you born in the 90's? I was. Barely caught it. Were you born in the 80's? Nope. Which American Girl doll did you have, if any? I didn’t own any growing up, mostly because I wasn’t interested in dolls.   What color is your cell phone? Black in front, silver at the back. What color was your first cell phone? I believe it was a red Winnie the Pooh case and it was one of those old Nokias with the screen still green. Have you ever been abused by a pastor? No. Have you ever been bullied by a teacher? No, but I have had teachers who subtly hated me. Have you ever been abused by a parent? Years of mental and emotional abuse, yes. Do you have memories that torment you? I wouldn’t say torment, but they haunt me every once in a while. Have you ever read a book that gave you nightmares? Nope. What was the name of your first imaginary friend? I named her Katrina, but she lasted for like 20 minutes. Five year old me didn’t exactly buy the idea of believing in someone that I couldn’t even see. What was your best subject in elementary school? English, then social studies, then science. What was your favorite subject in high school? Asian history. Do you consider yourself gifted? No. Do you feel that people appreciate you? I feel that with my friends, yeah. What makes you angry? Again, animal abuse. What's your passion? I dunno. Do I have one? Are you living your dream? Unless being heavily depressed and constantly anxious is the life everybody is chasing for, then no. What is your dream job? A work with good pay. Ever had a crush on a teacher? LOL yes lots. I didn’t like school, so I guess I spent some of my time looking for teachers to crush on. :// How do you react when you get stung by a bee? I’ve never been stung by a bee because I get the fuck out of the vicinity as soon as I see one.   Have you ever been obsessed with a celebrity? If so, who? Yup, Beyonce and Kristen Stewart. Have you ever been molested? No. Have you ever been accused of being gay? Kinda. There was a rumor spread that I was with Andi way back in sixth grade, but it never got worse than that. Are you heterosexual? No. What's one thing that makes you swear? Stupid drivers who drive too close to my car. Do you want to meet your guardian angel? Erm. Are you open to the supernatural being real? Yes if you’re referring to ghosts and spirits. No to anything legends or folklore. Do you believe in the supernatural? I’d want to believe ^ those are real, yes. Ever had a supernatural experience? I think so. Months ago, in my aunt’s house. I headed to the bathroom to pee but when I pushed the door open, someone pushed it back shut. I did it a few more times but some force kept trying to close the door. Thing is, the bathroom light was turned off and it was pretty much pitch black in there, and everyone I knew who lived in the house was in the living room all talking. I didn’t feel afraid though, since I liked to believe that it was my grandpa just fooling around. What Disney princess do you look the most like? Moana :) What are you known for? For being shy and canceling plans at the last minute, I guess. What stereotype do you fit the most? I don’t freakin know. What's your preferred method of transportation? Car or plane. Do you enjoy camping? I’ve never done legit camping before. What color shirt are you wearing? Red. Do you wear yoga pants? No, I think I’d find them uncomfortable. Do you take vitamins? Nope. Does your heart ache for the past? No not at all. I mean sometimes I wish I could relive 2014 because it was my best year, but I’m not desperate for the past. Are you hurting for a friend right now? I’m good. Is there any way I can pray for you? (if you don't believe in that just leave blank)

Are you lonely? Essentially. What's your favorite natural phenomenon? Double rainbows.

Were you lazy today? I don’t think I will be. Gabie’s taking me along to Starbucks later today, so it’s easy to predict we’ll be working the whole time we’re there. Did you leave the house today? ^ Yes. Are you hurting? Always am to some degree. What color is your favorite teddy bear? I don’t have a teddy bear. Are you alive? (as in really living, not just existing) Ahhhh these questions are too deep for 9:38 AM. If not, what would make it better? What do you want? IIIII really want a good box of doughnuts right now. Do you ever swear? Of fucking course. How old were you when you started swearing? Normally? Maybe when I was 11 or 12. Didn’t exactly have the best childhood, so I learned pretty early on. What's your favorite swear word? Fuck. Do you think swearing is appropriate? Yes. Do religious people piss you off? Yes. Do you feel shy around certain people? Around most people. Do you look your age? I highly doubt that. Do you act your age? I try to. Do you feel your age? Getting there. Do you feel worn? Very much so. Has life been good to you? Nope. What would you do to change it? What do you want more of in your life? I’d love for my parents to be out of the picture. Like, full-on restraining order so they can’t go anywhere near me. I want more of that in my life, because that means peace for me. Are you a target for haters? No. What was the last restaurant you ate at? Rodic’s. It’s a place owned by my school that serves reeeeally good Filipino cuisine. What was the last coffee shop you went to? Starbucks. What's one word to describe your room? Comfortable. Ever wrote a love letter to yourself? A wha? Do you snore? I used to but I haven’t had anyone tell me that for a while now. Do you plan on living a long time? I’m here for a good time, not a long time. What's your favorite flavor of tea? Lemon iced tea. What's one thing you're bad at? Parallel parking.

#survey #surveys

[healthmatters4u]

Lyme Disease Remedies : Prevention & Support Groups. Food is Medicine -  Full Video & Transcript! New Stemcell Therapy.

Lyme Disease Symptoms

 Lyme disease is caused by an immune reaction following a certain type of tick or insect bite. 

Lyme     disease symptoms include fatigue, muscle aches, joint pains, digestive     issues and skin rashes, among many other things.  Especially shortly after being infected.     These include a fever, trouble sleeping, neck pain, fatigue, chills,     sweats and muscle aches

Poor     sleep, chronic     fatigue and lethargy

Digestive     issues including nausea and loss of appetite

Achy     joint and joint pain. The CDC found that about 30 percent of Lyme     patients develop symptoms of arthritis

Long     term, maybe people experience mood changes, including depression and     anxiety

Cognitive     changes are also a long-term symptom and include forgetfulness,     headaches, brain-fog, misplacing things and     trouble concentrating.

 Inflamed Body that Mimics

·         thyroid disorders

·         fibromyalgia

·         depression

·         lupus 

·         rheumatoid arthritis

 Lyme Disease Remedies

 Lyme disease is often treated with antibiotics; however natural treatments and lifestyle changes such as eating an anti-inflammatory diet, limiting toxin exposure and boosting immunity can all greatly help and should be part of any treatment program. Sometimes Anti-Biotics seemed to work on the outset, however the symptoms appear again!

 QI – CHI

 After Studies in Chinese medicine Lyme Diseased persons are usually in a Damp/Moist or Moldy Stagnant Condition. This dampness is also referred to Candida Overgrowth of yeast! So When Anti-biotics are given they are trying to kill the Lyme and Candida off, but also the good Bacteria too! So the Residual Lyme or Candida grows back stronger because there’s nothing to fight off! So that is why you want to work on cleaning up your damp body by warming it up and keeping the system dry.

 Repair the Gut lining with easy foods on the body to help boost immune system. An old Oriental Program for these similar conditions included a program of 90 days of a daily regimen:  Chicken with Broth, Cooked Vegetables, little Brown Rice and Herbal drinks all day. Rest allot, get Sun, reduce stress and go for nature walks in greenery areas. So this can be instituted along with new known Food as Medicine Below:

 ORGANS TO FOCUS ON: Because these regulate your system

·         Spleen

·         Pancreas

·         Colon

·         Lungs

·         Kidney

·         Adrenal Glands

 REMOVE: Damping Produce

·        Conventional Dairy 

( Cheese/Milk/Cream/Ice cream) If you can find Raw, that is okay!

·         No Juicing Either

·         Refined Sugars

·         Corn & Corn Oil

·         Processed Foods

·         Gluten

·         Refined Grains

·         Banana

·         Egg whites

·         Wheat bread

 CONSUME: Calming Alkaline & Light Pale White & Yellow foods

·         Bone Broth

·         Wild Caught Fish

·         Avocado

·         Cooked Fresh Vegetables (not raw)

·         Green Leafy Salads

·         Chicken Protein (Clean)

·         Coconut Oil

·         Nuts

·         Seeds

·         Mushrooms (cordycep, reishi and maitake)

·         Ginger

·         Garlic

·         Onion

·         Pear

·         Brown Rice

·         Bitter & Sour Foods 

(Bitter Melon, Apricot Seeds, Lemon, Orange peel Arugula)

  SUPPLEMENTS: Bolster up the Immune

·         Vitamin D3

·         Omega 3

·         Adaptagen Herbs:

(Ashwaganda, Holy Basil, American Ginseng, Oregano)

·         Pau arco Tea/Ginger/Astragalus Combination (Drink 3 Cups Day)

·         Probiotics (1 Serving Each day: SPO Soy Based & Food Based)

·         B-Complex (Cellular Energy)

·         Collagen Type II (Can be Bone Broth or the Actual Powder)

·         Master Tonic:

(Garlic, Ginger, Onion, Hot Pepper, Horseradish, Turmeric, Apple Cider Vinegar)

·         Mushrooms (cordycep, reishi and maitake Formula)

  FOOD BASED PROBIOTICS

Sauerkraut

Tempeh

Kimchi

Miso

Kombucha

 ESSENTIAL OILS:

·         Myrrh (Extreme Bitter Preserver)

·         Rosemary (Anti-Inflammatory)

·         Thyme ( Anti-viral Parasitic – good for Kidneys and adrenals)

·         Holy Basil (Inguinal Component is an adaptagen)

·         Orange (Peal Bitter Historical remedy)

·         Ylang Ylang (Lifts and Improves Spirits/Mood)

 EMOTIONS: You want to get your Chi Boosted (Energy)

·         Be Grateful Everyday (what are you happy most about)

·         Joyful affirmations of Great things in life

·         Read Bible Verses of Comfort (a faith and hope outside of yourself)

·         Who do you know that lifts you up when your around them: 

 3 People (Be with them)

·         Remove the Fears, Greif 

(which is your system worn down from Disappointment or displeasing)

Reducing emotional stress: Stress weakens the immune system and makes complications more likely. Reach out to family and friends for support and practice stress-relieving techniques regularly like deep breathing, meditation, journaling, reading and exercising. Getting plenty of rest: Lyme can contribute to fatigue and require that you get extra sleep, so balance activity with rest.

 STEMCELL THERAPY (Last optional treatment)

Regenerative Stem Cell Therapy allows one’s own cells to have the potential for “homing the body”, searching for tissues and organs which are damaged or deficient due to disease or the aging process. Once these areas are recognized by the regenerative cells, they are able to repair these tissues and organs by regeneration. Stem cell therapy offers the potential for billions of viable mesenchymal cells to differentiate within the human body

WEB: https://nsistemcell.com/stem-cell-therapy/lyme-disease/

 LOCATION INFORMATION for NSI Stemcell

CALL: 1-877-278-3623

NSI Stem Cell Clearwater 29901 US-19, Clearwater, FL 33761

NSI Stem Cell Brandon 1120 Kyle Wood Ln, Brandon, FL 33511

NSI Stem Cell Spring Hill 5311 Spring Hill Dr, Spring Hill, FL 34606

NSI Stem Cell Weston 2853 Executive Park Drive #102, Weston Fl 33331

PREVENTION

This simple Essential Oil Homemade Solution can aid you in repelling them! For you and your "FAMILY" & "PETS" Too!

In a spray bottle, mix 2 cups of distilled white vinegar and 1 cup of water. To make a scented solution so you do not smell like bitter vinegar all day, add 20 drops of your favorite "Essential Oil". Then, add two spoonfuls of Vegetable or Almond oil, which both contain sulfur (another natural tick repellent).

To make a repellent that will also deter fleas, mix in a few spoonfuls of "lemon juice", "citrus oil", or "peppermint oil", any of which will repel ticks and fleas while also creating a nicely scented repellent.

Eucalyptus oil is a calm, soothing scent that also works as a tick repellent, while peppermint and citrus oils give off a strong crisp scent.

After mixing the solution, spray onto clothing, skin, and hair before going outdoors. Reapply every four hours to keep ticks at bay, and examine your skin and hair when back inside to make sure no ticks are on the body.Spray onto the "PET'S" dry coat, staying away from sensitive areas including eyes, nose, mouth, and genitals. When outdoors for an extended period, spray this solution on two to three times per day.

Alternative Tick Repellent Spray

Other recommended Essential Oils that repel ticks and mosquitoes as well.Tick Spritz Recipe

1 cup of Distilled water

2 Drops Geranium Essential Oil

2 Drops Palo Santo Essential Oil

1 Drop Myrrh Essential Oil

4 Drops Grapefruit Essential Oil

1 Drop Peppermint Essential Oil

1 Drop of Thieves Hand Soap or Castile Soap (emollient)

Place in a spray bottle and shake. Spritz when needed.

(No cats! Don't use this essential oil mix on cats!)

Keeping Healthy Helps Too!

The first step to avoid tick bites is vibrant health. Parasitic creatures are more drawn to unhealthy humans (and pets) than truly healthy ones. Part of the attraction is our smell, which is affected by our health, the products we put on our skin, and the foods we eat. Onions and garlic repel pests - both mosquitoes and ticks. And both are very good for you.

Anti-Virus Protocol

If you have been bitten by a tick, this is the time to follow the healthiest and cleanest diet. Remember that sugar feeds viruses and bacteria. There are several natural means to boost your immune system. Check out

How Viruses Work and How to Prevent Them Naturally and

Make Your Immune System Bulletproof With These Natural Remedies

How to remove the Tick

Smear some Vasoline or Vick"s Vaporub all over it so it can't breath and see if it backs out.

If it does not back out in 5 minutes or so then get a pair of tweezers & try to gently remove the tick by the head or as close to your skin as possible.

Do not squeeze the tick by its body or twist.

When you get it out save the tick so it can be tested.

When Should I Call My Doctor?

If you think you may be at risk for Lyme disease or a tick has bitten you, contact your doctor. Although conditions other than Lyme disease can cause similar symptoms, it's always a good idea to discuss them with your doctor. That way you can get further evaluation and treatment if necessary, before the disease progresses. This is especially true if you develop a red-ringed rash, prolonged flu-like symptoms, joint pain or a swollen joint, or facial paralysis.

SUPPORT GROUPS

I have included a link CLICK HERE to join  "TICK HEALING" forum.

Lyme Disease FaceBook Support Group CLICK HERE to Follow

Original Story & Credits go to:

https://www.facebook.com/roger.lee.howard

http://animals.nationalgeographic.com/animals/bugs/deer-tick/

Dr. Axe https://draxe.com/tag/lyme-disease-natural-remedies/

These statements have not been evaluated by the food and drug administration. These products are not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease.

#lyme disease #remedies #fibromyalgia #candida #CPTG essential oils #chronic fatigue #Arthritis #inflammation