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mor-beck-more-problems · 3 years

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Reading Rainbow || Morgan & Leah (feat. Sundew and her pixie troop)

TIMING: Current

PARTIES: @phoenixleah & @mor-beck-more-problems

SUMMARY: The White Crest Supernatural Literacy Initiative has its first test run. Results are....mixed.

Pixies fly in the sky I can go twice as high Just take a look It's in a book A reading rainbow

“Are you sure you’re good to go?” Morgan asked, rocking along the edge of the woods. She had secured her keys and phone to her carabiner and tucked everything else she needed in her knapsack: water, taser, knife, snacks, offerings, stationary. She’d asked Deirdre for advice on what pixies liked best. She’d gone through her checklist, and she had a good feeling about this expedition. The fae were so insular and some of the smaller of the bunch, so underserved by the world. Living out in the wild, away from even an Aos Si, surely they could use a leg up for when they had to deal with humans, or if they wanted to engage with the rest of supernatural society. Literacy had been Leah’s idea, of course. But while she had seemed plenty excited by it when they’d talked, Morgan still worried about that knack for suppression she’d mentioned, and the wolf injuries that were only just healing. Was this too much too soon? Was she being a bad friend for not waiting longer?

Morgan squinted behind her over the glare of mid-morning sunlight. Her friend’s hiking bag was at least half her sized, packing everything from a small library’s worth of board books and mini books, to shiny offerings, to camping equipment, including a tent, for some reason. She was one strong wind away from being knocked over, and Morgan couldn’t help but laugh a little. “We can always come back if you’re not up to it, or if you feel like you uh, need more supplies before going in.”

Leah looked over at Morgan, adjusting the bag over her shoulder with a determined nod. “I’m fine, really”, she said, although her eyes didn’t quite meet her friends. She was fine, right? She’d gone out plenty of times since her incident with Ada, and physically, she was fit as a fiddle, thanks to Nisa. Still, it seemed every time she ventured out lately- first with Nicole and then with Kaden, she was faced with another monster attack to deal with, all before fully processing the trauma of what happened with Ada. But she wanted to be over it- an encounter with a monster was never much of a bother before, and she was determined not to let it be now. “I’m fine”, reiterated. “I’m excited, actually… I really think we could do something good here.”

They had been talking for months about spreading literacy around White Crest, and so doing it here and now was the perfect way to clear her mind from all the annoying anxieties that seemed to be popping their way in these days. She shook her head playfully, a smirk playing on her lips. Nicole, too, had something to say about the size of her bag. “It never hurts to be prepared”, she said, holding up her hands in mock defense. “I’ve genuinely thought of everything, Morgan. There’s not one thing we could go back for.” As they walked toward a small picnic table in the distance, she glanced at her friend again, smiling softly. “Besides, it’d just be rude to back out now, don’t you think?”

“No, I don’t, actually,” Morgan said. “I can handle this just fine on my own if you wanted to take it easy for today. I know you’re all shiny and healed, but that doesn’t mean you have to go running into the trees to look for pixies.” But Leah seemed sure, and they did have all the supplies they needed, and then some. “Come here,” she sighed, reaching for her friend’s hand. “Thank you for doing this with me. Lets poke a little way’s into the trees, okay?”

She squeezed Leah’s hand, securing her grip, and walked to where nature clustered the thickest.

“Oh no!” She called. “I think we’ve already lost our way back to the park! I sure hope no one comes to try and take advantage of us! Don’t you?” She winked and Leah, encouraging her to add to the ruse.

Morgan’s insistence that she didn’t need her help was sweet, but Leah didn’t want to miss out on an opportunity like the one they were about to take. Maybe Morgan could handle it on her own, but Leah needed to be there, for her own mental health. She took a deep breath, stepping forward slightly and letting Morgan’s hand wrap around her own. She was fine. Her eyes were alert for any tiny creatures buzzing by, knowing that in order to teach a pixie to read, they’d have to find one first.

She nodded at Morgan with a smirk, her eyes becoming comically wide and her arms outstretched. “I do hope we do not run into any tricks, dear Morgan. We are just two small friends, trying to find our way home! However will we solve this predicament?” Her voice was a bit too loud to be believable, but she was really committing to this act they were putting on. “If only there were someone to play a game with us!”

A high pitched giggle emerged from behind them, followed by a slight rustling of the brush. She pressed her lips together to suppress a smile, glancing at Morgan to see if she’d noticed.

“What’s that?” Morgan said, still exaggerating her voice for the benefit of any pixies hiding deeper in the trees. “Did you hear something? It sounded kind of scary, don’t you think?” She turned and started walking backwards, nodding encouragingly at Leah. “I think I’ll stop and have some of this candy to make myself feel better.” She slung her bag to one shoulder and took out a bag of candy fruit slices, crinkling it as loud as she could.

A hum of fluttering wings tickled her ears. Morgan turned. “Hello--?”

“GOT YOUR NOSE!”

The pixie was so close, she could only see a glowing blur of pink and green. There was a quiet pop like bubbles bursting under fingertips and then a gory impression of Morgan’s severed nose appeared in the pixie’s arms. She flitted back, cackling so hard with delight she started flying in backflips.

“I’ll take that!” Another pixie squeaked. The fruit candy bag was ripped from her grasp and plunked to the floor. Morgan turned, dazed, and saw two tiny sets of legs sticking out of the opening and kicking to find their balance.

“Wha--oh, Stars!” Morgan felt for her nose, just in case. She wasn’t sure if she got to grow a new one if anything happened to it.

“Made you look! Willowbud, look how dumb she is! I made her look!”

Sighing with relief when she felt it, Morgan finally let herself laugh. “You sure did! That was--whew!--some big magic. But I have much better candy if you and your friends will talk to me.” She grinned slyly at them. “And I have it on some very good authority that it’s one of your favorites.”

Leah followed Morgan slowly, her eyes still wide with fake fear, trying to grab the attention of the pixies that were sure to be nearby. “I am feeling very, very scared right now, Morgan. Thank goodness you brought so much candy to keep us well fed and nourished.” There was somewhat of a robotic tone applied to her put upon acting voice, but she felt it was doing the job all the same.

It was fascinating to be able to watch the pixies from so close, and she savored every moment, hoping she could remember it all to document later. She had seen a few as a child, and read about them tons, but being this close was a real treat. She wondered if the excitement shone on her face as much as it fluttered in her heart.

Strands of her hair floated above her head, and she heard the faint buzzing of wings as another pixie held it up, pulling and prodding as if it were the most interesting thing the pixie had ever seen. It flew directly in front of her face, it’s glow shining bright on her nose. “You’ve got a stain on your shirt!”, the pixie squeaked, pointing down toward Leah’s chest. She looked down, mocking shock, before it flew up playfully, poking her in the nose. “MADE YOU LOOK!”

The other pixies erupted in fits of giggles before marveling at Morgan’s news, all rushing toward the candy offered to them. Leah, for her part, got to work on setting up the mini chairs and table she’d borrowed from her niece’s play set, a perfect size for the pixies before them. “You can even sit down, if you’d like!”, she offered, grinning slyly and excitedly at Morgan. This plan might actually work!

Morgan eased to the ground, tearing open a handful of pixie sticks and hold them out. The pixies abandoned the candy fruit slices and flitted over, pulling at their favorites and dousing themselves in sugar.

“That one’s mine!” One of them cried.

“I saw it first!” Said another one.

“It has my name on it! See? It’s Appleseed!”

“They all say the same thing!”

“It’s okay, I have enough colors for everyone!” Morgan said. “But maybe one of you can tell me what these words on the candies do say?”

“Why? Don’t you know, Dummy-Boob?”

Morgan squinted. There was something strangely familiar about this one, the way she fluffed her pollen-strewn hair or flew a little ahead of the others, like she was the boss, or the name she called her. “I asked you first,” she said. “What’s your name, anyway?”

“Sundew,” the pixie said. “Can I have yours?”

“No. Deirdre told me all about your little tricks, and she would be mad if you used our friend offerings to trick me. You wouldn’t make a fae mad on purpose, would you?”

The pixies swarmed into a tittering argument about whether Morgan could possibly mean their Deirdre, and who had last visited her and knew how she was doing, and could they trust this human to know anything about her?

“Not a human,” Morgan tried to interject. “And you can call me Morgan, and you can call my very good and also not-human friend here, Leah!”

“Oh! The Morgan Thing! Yes, yes, yes, I knew it all along,” Sundew said. “I remember you! Your face still looks like a Dummy Boob, but I guess since you gave us Pixie Stickses, you’re good for something.”

That was definitely not how to pronounce Pixie Sticks, but Morgan could see the mistake froSundew flew lazily down to the doll furniture and started munching on her treats. Only then did the other pixies join in. If Sundew thought it was alright, then they could enjoy what was being put in front of them. Morgan side-eyed Leah. She had never been especially good at speaking queen bee unless she was bartering something she knew was wanted, and how were they supposed to convince the pixies that this was a ‘them’ thing?

Leah had no doubt that Morgan would be well versed on how to deal with the pixies, especially after she avoided Sundew’s trick about names. She chuckled at the attempt, observing how the other pixies deflated with disappointment as Morgan refused.

She smiled shyly at the pixies as she was introduced, offering them a small wave as some of them swarmed around her in curiosity. “Morgan’s good for a lot of things, actually”, Leah said, noting how much the other pixies seemed to follow this Sundew’s lead. If they needed to get through to any of them first, it was definitely her. “If you think her Pixie Stickses are good, just wait until you get a look at her flowers and cakes.” Locking eyes with Morgan, she sent her a quick nod, a plan quickly forming in her head.

“Here’s the thing, Sundew. These human treats that the Morgan thing brought?...”- she glanced at Morgan at that, amused, before continuing. “...there are tons of them, all over the world. And they’re totally delicious, right?” The pixies around them tutted tiny noises of agreement as they munched on their own, and Leah sat down on the grass before she continued on, planting a dramatic, sad look on her face. “The problem is that Morgan thing here only brought us the very best tastes. Some of the tastes of the treats? Just awful. You get your tongue on one of the bad ones, it’ll be the only thing on your mind for weeks!”

Dramatic gasps erupted around them, and Sundew seemed to lean forward in her tiny chair. “There’s only one sure way to know which taste you’re about to get, Sundew, and that’s being able to read what flavor treat you’re about to eat.” She sighed dramatically, sitting back on her hands in the grass. Maybe, if Sundew thought this was her idea, she’d actually go for it. “Do you know how to read, Sundew?” She stared at the sky as she asked, as if the question was as casual as asking someone if they knew how to ride a bike (reading was obviously much more important).

“Of course I can read, Lee-lee,” Sundew said, puffing out her tiny, glowing chest. “And I can write too! Which is more than a dummy boob can do. How else would I know it says pixie stickies?” She proudly rippled open a blue pixie stick and dumped a heap of it onto her face to wipe and lick off her face.

“Okay, well, what about you?” Morgan asked, pointing to another pixie. “How do you know which one tastes the best?”

“Your face knows which one is the best!” Sundew interrupted.

“Obviously red always tastes best,” the other pixie said. “That’s why I get all the red ones.”

“See? We knowsy-knows everything we need to, Morgan Dummy Boob,” Sundew said. “You can tell Deirdre thank you for all her presents and I got that sexy spriggan’s number for her just in case she changes her mind, you’re welcome very much for--”

“Okay, moving on!” Morgan said, growing shrill.

Another pixie flitted up to Leah, pulling on her ear to get her attention. “Do you have any more of the stripey ones with the crinklies? I love the minty ones so much, they’re so good, and the stripes are so pretty and then if you get them sticky, you can put them under people’s fingers and toes and make them scream and it’s sooo much fun.”

“What’s this?” Two more said, picking at the doll furniture she’d brought. Together they pulled up one of the tiny cabinets with mini books and spun it around before letting it fall and tumble on the ground. Then up again, and down again, higher, letting the doors snap on their fragile hinges and all the carefully assembled books fall into the dirt.

“Oh, but you wouldn’t want to make people scream, would you?” Leah chided, tilting her head to the side. “That wouldn’t be very nice.” She was too focused on the pixie in front of her to notice the rumblings of Sundew and some of the others, who conspired with tiny whispers and giggles behind her.

Leah let out a sharp gasp as her ear was yanked, the action taking her off guard and causing her heart to flutter. She closed her eyes and let out a breath, and a flash of snarling, hungry werewolf teeth snapped into her vision. She had sworn that the flashbacks were over with, that they’d no longer be disrupting and distressing her at the drop of a hat, but somehow, she kept being proved wrong. Opening her eyes with a start, she swallowed a hard lump in her throat, attempting to focus all of her energy on here, on now, on this.

She reached into her bag, about to feel around for another candy cane to hand over to the small fae with some more coaxing toward reading when the commotion with the doll furniture caught her attention. “Don’t!, ...-stop!” All that hard work, all the arranging and careful planning she’d done, it was a waste if the pixies weren’t going to take it seriously. She reached forward, ready to pull the furniture away from them and carefully piece back together, but the pixies were quicker than she was.

“Don’t stop? Okay, we won’t!” one of them giggled, picking up the nearly destroyed, tiny books and dropping them again and again.

She pushed herself up into a standing position, determined to snatch the books and furniture away from them for good, when the pixies who had been conspiring behind her let out another raucous round of giggles, and Leah only realized why when it was too late.

In a matter of seconds, they had managed to tie her shoelaces together, causing her to tumble back toward the ground with a scream, landing on her hands in front of her with a grunt. Her mind flashed again, and suddenly, she could feel herself tumbling down her hall stairwell with the wolf, breaking and bending and bruising something new with each passing moment. No. No no no. She didn’t want to break anymore, she needed to get away and find a way out and-

“I think we do want to make people scream, Lee-Lee. Even not-human people, like you!”

She wasn’t in her house, it wasn’t that night, everything was healed. So why did she still feel so broken?

As she attempted to push herself back up, the pixies swarmed her, tugging at her hair, her ears, her fingers, her clothes- anything they could to elicit more silly screams and prove their point. Tears stung at her eyes, but she was essentially useless against their tricks, and even as she successfully pushed herself up into a sitting position, they continued to taunt her.

Morgan tried to shield Leah with her body, but there was no point when the pixies could fly over and around her to keep pinching, pulling, and laughing at Leah. “That’s enough!”

“You’re right, we should move onto tickle torture!” Sundew squealed.

“No, that is not what I mean--”

“But she’s so funny when she screams!”

“I know, a-and I understand that but…” But what? What was more important to a pixie than tormenting someone for fun? Panic tensed through Morgan’s muscles. She couldn’t hurt them. She couldn’t scare them. “WHAT IF I KNEW A BETTER WAY!” She shouted. “I know a better way to mess with humans!”

The pixies didn’t stop, but they did look up with eager faces, and some paused in pulling on her hair.

“It’s so fast, once you really know how, and the humans make it so easy, they won’t even know it!”

Sundew folded her arms and flitted up to stare Morgan in the eyes. “Oh, yeah? And what’s that?”

“I won’t tell you anything about it until you leave Leah alone.”

Sundew didn’t seem to like putting a stop to her fun, but she and the other pixies came to the same conclusion with one exchange of looks. Yes, finding easy ways to trick the humans did sound like more fun.

One by one they let go of Leah and flitted over to Morgan and as they each crowded around her vision, she realized that she had no ideas in her head but one, and she would have to hope very hard that this went over very well. “I--need you all to come over here and give me a little space while I show you.”

She took out a notebook and one of the markers she’d brought and wrote very carefully, one word on each set of lines. She was tempted to add an artistic flourish but remembered from her friend crying behind her that these pixies were not as child-like as they seemed, and she wasn’t in the mood to have her art critiqued. “Okay,” she said, donning her teacher-voice. “Can anyone tell me what this says?”

Silence from the pixies.

“This is a way to get humans to do almost anything you want,” Morgan said. “If you can get them to say this or agree to this in writing, You can have so many kinds of fun. Better kinds. And, it works both ways, so you should probably know how to read it.”

“That doesn’t look like anything so special to me,” Sundew said, glaring skeptically.

“We can break it down. It’s definitely a long phrase. You all know the first word, right?” They did. “And the second one?” Only Sundew knew agree, which she was very proud of. But when they got to terms and conditions, the little pixie folded her arms and stuck up her little nose.

“If you’re lying about these words, you’re going to be in sticky-sticky trouble,” She said. “No one gets away with lying to pixies.”

Morgan held out the marker to her. “If you really think I’m lying, then you should be able to check the box without any worries, shouldn’t you?”

All the pixies looked at her, waiting to see what would happen.

“I could tell you first, though, if you want to trust me,” Morgan said.

Sundew got as far as hovering the marker above the checkbox before her doubt came in. “Fine,” she huffed. “What does it say?”

And Morgan told her which each word meant, one by one, helping the others sound it out slowly. “Alright, so put together what does that mean?”

“I agree to your terms and conditions!” Willowbud cried. Her face fell as she realized what she’d said. “..Oops.”

“That’s okay, Willowbud. I release you,” Morgan said. “But you see, you don’t have to speak words to make them powerful. You can do all kinds of magic if you learn to write them down and leave them for other people to find. And there’s even more words than that out here. I could teach you some more of them, but, I’m definitely going to need you to do some things for me first.”

Sundew reluctantly agreed and the rest of the pixies let out the rest of their enthusiasm. Morgan would exchange one lesson in exchange for staying on task while they were in the learning area, which would be in her garden next but might change and be established by her later. And she would get one favor for releasing Willowbud so quickly and recognizing Sundew as her very special teaching assistant. When this was settled, Morgan helped the pixies gather all their candy into the spare dinner napkin they’d brought and waved at them as they flew away, carrying the stash between them all.

When the pixies were gone, really, completely, and not even in earshot gone, Morgan sagged on the ground with relief and crawled over to Leah. “Hey…” she said gently. “That was uh...pretty wild huh? Definitely not how I planned to do things. Are you okay? I brought some first aid stuff, if they did anything to you. Is it okay if I take a look? Leah?”

There was no end in sight, no stop to the pulling, and picking, and flashbacks. The torment- it was everlasting, even with Morgan’s muted voice in Leah’s ears trying to talk the pixies down. But the endless did have an end, even in the darkest of moments, and slowly but surely, whatever Morgan was saying seemed to lure them away.

As soon as it was possible, Leah pushed herself up, crossing her arms over her chest and walking briskly away from the group to lean against a nearby tree, trying to steady her breathing. The trees around them, despite staying in the same space, felt like they were closing in on her, inching and inching until she’d soon have no space left to breath. Suddenly, she was pinned under the wolf again, with no way out of the darkness that encompassed them. There was a sweat above her brow that hadn’t been there earlier.

Why did she still feel like this? Why couldn’t it just be over? She knew she was safe, she knew a bunch of pixies couldn’t hurt her- so why did her brain keep insisting on flashing back to that one, fateful night?

Something in Morgan’s tone shook her out of her thoughts, and Leah’s attention was turned back to her friend and the pixies, who were now surrounding Morgan. How much time had passed since she walked away from them? It had felt like hours, at least, but the position of the sun suggested it had merely been a few moments.

I agree to the terms and conditions.

Suddenly, a new wave of panic bubbled up inside her at what Morgan was saying, at what she was doing, and she closed the distance between them in a flash.

“Morgan-”, she warned, but it was too late- the pixies were already fluttering away with satisfied grins, clearly already planning the tricks they’d play with all they’d learn from Morgan. Her body slunk back down to the ground, in shock and disbelief at what her friend had just done.

“What did you just agree to?” she asked, her eyes wide and angry. Her voice sounded foreign in her ears. It was raspy and uneven and held emotion that she was not yet ready to let spill over. “Why would you… They’re going to torment the whole town, Morgan! Do you have any idea how dangerous what you just did is? How much damage it will do?”

She ignored Morgan’s offer of first aid, too enveloped in the thought of what the pixies might do with all they were about to learn. She was fine. She told Morgan as such, crossing her arms over her chest again.

Morgan flinched back, bewildered. “What did I--” Leah didn’t look tormented anymore, she looked furious. Instinctively, Morgan inched further away. She replayed the last few minutes, but the only thing she could see as wrong was abandoning her friend for so long. But she couldn’t have done things any faster. Or if she could have, but she didn’t know how. “I--I did what I could. I negotiated a no mischief or violence in the learning area agreement so this doesn’t happen again! I got them to leave you alone! What do you mean damage? They--it’s gonna be fine. They’ll have to write a whole lot more convincingly than Sundew’s chickenscretch before they can scam the town into hopping on one foot til they pass out.”

She still had this impulse that she should do something. Her bag was close by. She should check Leah for injuries, right? But stronger than this impulse was her confusion. “I--don’t understand what’s happening right now, Leah. You need to tell me what’s happening because I don’t--I-I know it wasn’t great but isn’t this what we--what is it you think I should be doing?” Morgan finally met her gaze, her look accusing through her hurt.

This was too much. There was a thought, somewhere in the back of her head, that maybe Leah wouldn’t be reacting the way she was if she hadn’t just been tormented by the pixies- if she hadn’t spent the last few weeks tormented by nightmares of being attacked by werewolves, and tiny snowmen that liked to stab your ankles. If the town hadn’t been plagued with people falling into sleep and never woken up again. “And you don’t think they’ll find a way around that? They’re pixies, Morgan. They’re known for their tricks! Giving them the power of those words is like tossing a lit match into a dry forest. They’ll learn… they’ll teach each other, and handwriting be damned, they’ll torment the whole damn town with this.”

She held Morgan’s gaze for a moment, her breathing shallow and heavy, before sucking her teeth and looking at the ground below them. “I don’t know”, she muttered finally, her voice small. “I don’t...know”. A panic began to rise in her chest, building and building in neverending wave of worry. “Everything feels like a big deal, Morgan. Everything feels like it’s about to come crashing down, all the time and all at once. I can’t differentiate between real danger and everyday mishaps, I can’t-...” She let out a sob and put a hand over her chest, struggling to catch her breath.

“No! They’re not going to take over the world! And what’s wrong with appealing to what they like? We’re not here to change them or make them like humans! I don’t--I don’t--I---” Morgan sputtered, quivering as she tried to assemble the pieces between them faster. Her mind whirred in place, nothing made sense, nothing fit. Weren’t they supposed to accept supernaturals the way they were, as long as there wasn’t recreational murder involved? Sure, the pixies might get up to some intense stuff, but education wasn’t about programming people to be like you. The pixies would always be themselves, that wasn’t something to fix.

But Leah breathed, and then she quieted, and then she cried, and then she panicked. Panic, Morgan knew how to handle.

“Hey. Hey, Leah...can I come close?” She inched towards her, hands in plain sight. “I just want you to breathe with me. You know all about breath control, yeah? It’s, um, it’s actually a nice game to play when your lungs don’t regulate themselves anymore because you’re dead.” She let out an uneasy laugh, unsure if levity was something that would help at a time like this. “Breathe slowly with me, and tell me how you feel.” Tentatively, she reached for Leah’s hands and tapped the familiar rhythm on her knuckles. “In, hold, out. In, hold, out. Where did you go, when they hurt you? Come back to me, help me understand…” She kept tapping, kept breathing, and strained all her dead senses toward the earth, searching for more answers.

Leah’s ears felt like they were clogged, and Morgan’s words were far away and muffled, and she could barely make them out. But she continued to hold her eyes, silently pleading with her to help stop whatever magic the pixies had sprouted that was making her lose her breath. This had to be the pixies, right? But then Morgan was requesting to come closer, clear as day, and Leah did what she could to let out a nod. Breath control. Yes. It was one of the first things she learned as a child in phoenix training. Controlling your breath was often the first step in controlling your fire, or even in focusing your heat. Focus, focus ,focus.

She tentatively let Morgan take her hand- it had felt like an anchor on her chest, as if before Morgan had reminded her about breath control it was the only thing keeping her grounded. In, hold, out. It was hard, now, but she kept trying. In, hold, out. Focus. In, hold, out. “I-I...my house, that night…” In, hold, out. She was here, not there. There was far away and gone and didn’t exist anymore, right? “...with A-...with the, ...werewolf”. She let out another sob, squeezing Morgan’s hand tight. “I… it’s still… I can’t stop…” In, hold, out. In, hold, out. “I thought I could… be over it. I thought I could forget. I can’t even get myself into my fucking guest room to clean up the mess we made, I … I can barely sleep through the night without waking up with a start thinking she’s there again, I…” She looked at Morgan again, clinging to her for answers, or comfort, or anything. “...I can’t stop feeling like this.”

“Oh, Leah,” Morgan whispered. She pulled herself closer to her friend and put her free hand on her shoulder and tugged, gently. You can fall, she wanted to say. I’ve got you. Let me catch you. I’ve got you. “Keep focusing. In, hold, out.” She did it with her even if her lungs didn’t need the exercise. “You’re with me now. You’re not alone. I’ve got you, and I’m not going to let anything happen to you. You’re safe now, Leah. Keep breathing with me.” In, hold, out. In, hold, out…

Steadily they went, one round after another, and all the while Morgan told her I’m here, you’re safe, I’m here. At last, when the worst seemed to be ebbing away, Morgan said, “You can’t hide from it, Leah. It’ll just jump out of the shadows at you like this. Love sorrow. She is yours now, and you must take care of what has been given.” She reached up to comb her fingers through Leah’s hair. “I’m sorry. I am so, so very sorry you must carry this with you. That you can’t pretend like it never happened, that you can’t go back to being someone this hadn’t happened to. But you can control it, if you look at it, if you hold it long enough, you can keep it calm and quiet, and one day it won’t be so big or so heavy.” She tugged on Leah again, urging her into her arms. “You have to be the one to decide, though. We don’t have to talk about it right now if you don’t want to. Whatever you need is what we’ll do. I am your friend and I love you and I am here for you as much as you’ll let me.”

In, hold, out. It was helping, Leah thought. In, hold, out. It seemed to be helping. The breaths started entering her lungs more willingly, although the pit in her stomach didn’t cease. And she let herself let go. For the first time since the incident, she let herself be cradled and held and cared for. It wasn’t to her sister, or Bea or Jas, who’d all offered countless times to help her pick up the pieces, but it was here, with Morgan, in the middle of the forest, when her resolve finally cracked. It felt ironic, but she didn’t know why. She listened to Morgan’s words, her voice grounding and soothing as she let herself be pulled back to earth. As she was wrapped into Morgan’s arms, she closed her eyes, her breathing finally… finally feeling steady enough to speak.

“I don’t know...how to look at it”, she admitted, anxiety bubbling up in her chest again. “I-... I’m so used to… I know about the supernatural, you know? I know how to d-deal with them, and handle the dangerous, and help them, and I thought that if something like this ever happened, I wouldn’t be so… sh, so shaken by it.” She let out a quick breath, bringing her hand up to wipe away at the tears that were falling down her cheeks. She swallowed a hard lump in her throat, slowly sitting up and pulling away from Morgan, a bit embarrassed at the whole ordeal. “I didn’t mean to yell at you”, she told her friend, catching her eyes.

Morgan bundled Leah into her arms as tight as she dared. She would have fallen to the forest floor with relief if she could have. Leah’s cries sounded as though they broke her body on the way out, as if her pain had become an invisible creature, clawing its way out. Morgan did her best to soothe the monster away with soft hushes and circles rubbed into Leah’s back, but that was only a bandaid at best. “Hey, don’t worry about me,” she said, brushing the issue aside. “We don’t have to talk about that today. I know you didn’t mean it now.” She kept on, soothing Leah while she held her and hoping with all she had that her dead arms were enough.

“You’re still a person, Leah,” Morgan said into her shoulder. “You can’t theory your way out of being a person, or suffering. You can’t skip around your pain. And feeling pain, carrying suffering, doesn’t make you any less strong or kind or wise, Leah. You are still every bit as valuable, as yourself, as you ever have been. And it’s so hard to feel that sometimes, I know. But nothing is going to be taken away from you if you look at it. If anything, Leah, you will understand more and have an even greater capacity to help people who’ve been hurt after you face this and learn to carry it better.”

Morgan’s skin was an interesting contrast to Leah’s, her friend’s cool and icy while her own burned red hot with embarrassment and sorrow. It was soothing. She let herself sink into it as she closed her eyes and listened to the logic that was flowing around her. She had been so in her head about everything that had happened with the wolf, and all that had happened after too. The snowmen with Nicole, the ballybog and vodnik with Kaden, and now the pixies with Morgan- they seemed to all be adding to an ever piling list of emotions that Leah was determined to deal with in some sort of metaphorical ‘later’ that she would never let come. But now, Morgan offered an out- a way to start digging through the pile and know she could still be herself once she reached the other side of it. And what better way to start than to just… look at it? To see it, to relive it, so that when the flashbacks inevitably came again, they wouldn’t be so jarring or scary. The idea scared her beyond belief, but it made so much sense that Leah couldn’t deny it was a good one.

After a long beat of thinking and sighing and breathing again, Leah let her eyes lock with Morgan’s, wondering if they looked as vulnerable as she felt. “You’re right”, she said finally, her voice just starting to sound like her own again. “I… I’ve been working so hard on pushing it all back- burying myself in work and scribe things so that I could move on and forget about what happened… but how can I expect to forget about it when I’ve not even let myself really remember it?” As she spoke, she picked at the grass awkwardly, needing something to do with her hands. She was fully embarrassed at the scene she’d caused, even if it was just between the two of them. Because of that, her attention was brought back to the mess the pixies had left- the wrappers and doll furniture were strewn about the grass around them, left without a care in the world. “Perhaps we should start cleaning up…”

Morgan took Leah’s face gently in her hands and held her steady while they looked into each other’s eyes, gently and clearly. “So remember. On your terms. And it doesn’t have to be alone.” She stroked her friend’s hair as she looked at the mess around them on the forest floor. “That won’t take so long. I still have the store bags, we can put the wrappers in one until we find a recycling bin and put your niece’s furniture in another. Maybe order her some upgrades to make up for the damaged stuff.” She smiled, relieved and confident. “What I want you to do is think about where you want to go next. Anywhere in town, as long as it’s just for you. No tumbling back into work, okay?” Giving Leah one more knowing look, a gesture to show that they were really okay, Morgan reached into her bag and started scooping up the mess.

Leah let herself sink deeper into Morgan’s touch, losing herself in the sheer gentleness that was presented to her. She let out a slow breath and nodded. “On my terms”. As they cleaned up, she thought about what Morgan said. Normally, she’d probably head to the library basement after an encounter like this, and write down everything she could remember. But she wanted to be better- to stop feeling like the world might fall apart at the drop of a hat, and so for once, she opted to take a break and take Morgan’s advice instead. “Morgan?”, she asked as they picked up the last of the garbage, moving on to the tiny furniture. “Would you like to go to the movies when we’re done here?” She leaned down to pick up the small table, one of its legs barely hanging on. “The Nordica is showing old classics tonight… it might be fun.”

Morgan beamed down at Leah as she stuffed the last of the wrappers and tied off the bag. “Oh, yeah? Hmm, I don’t know…” She scrunched up her face, pretending to give it some very serious thought. “You, me, and the rom com double feature with Irene Dunne and Katherine Hepburn?” Then she burst into laughter and pulled her friend up with a helping hand. “I would be delighted, Leah.”

#reading rainbow #wr leah #wr chatzy #wr leah chatzy #wr pixies #wr pixies chatzy

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ninja-go-to-therapy · 4 years

Text

Whumptober 5: Where Do You Think You’re Going?

On the Run

I finally got around to writing something for my own damn AU, and it’s not even canon! I’m great at this.

Summary: Months after escaping from Prime Empire, Scott finds himself in Paris with none other than Unagami. It doesn’t go well. (This is of course part of the Miraculous crossover that I talk about sometimes on @blursed-ninjago-ideas)

Trigger Warnings: death threats, violence, panic attacks

4517 words

The years of his life Scott had lost to Prime Empire were hard to come to terms with. Every day he had been in there, he was well aware of the passage of time, but it was still the hardest thing he’d ever gone through.

Every day he had convinced himself that he would get out soon.

That first day, he was certain he’d be out by the end of the week. By the end of the week, he thought it couldn’t possibly be longer than a month.

It had gone on for years. Thirty, specifically.

Everyone he had ever known and loved had grieved and moved on. He had missed decades with them. His friends. His family. Everyone.

And it was all Unagami’s fault — right. Unagami was actually just a stupid little child who hadn’t really known what he was doing. He was supposed to be trying to get along with him, because he needed to be a role model or some shit.

Honestly, now that the kid wasn’t actively keeping him trapped inside a game for decades, he wasn’t all that bad. Sure, he could be a bit of a brat at times, but that was a phase that all children went through.

And apparently, he lowkey — that was the word Jay liked to use, right? He was so behind on the current slang — idolized Scott. Yeah, the child who’d been trying to turn him into a lifeless, numb, empty little energy cube for years and years and years, thought he was cool. That was… something, he supposed.

He was mostly doing this because Jay had all but begged him to. Said it made him a good person and he needed to let go of his anger.

Scott didn’t know if he would call it anger. He couldn’t bring himself to hate Unagami, but that didn’t mean that he wasn’t a little… well… uncomfortable around him. Yeah, that was definitely the right word.

But that was dumb. That debacle was finally over, and even if the nightmares and trauma didn’t go away, it wasn’t like Unagami acted malicious anymore. He wasn’t trying to kill anyone anymore.

So what if every time Unagami did much of anything, Scott’s grip on whatever it may have been that he was holding tightened enough to break a bone? That wasn’t that concerning. Everybody did that. Probably.

And hey, he could have had worse problems than scratching up his hands when he was nervous or anxious or really freaked out or really scared or flashing back to that cramped dark horrible nothingness when he was just lines of code trapped in a little energy cube with no way to get in or out or anything — and, uh, everyone had a random bad dream once in awhile. Or every night.

But he could put that aside, because he was a mature adult.

So here he was, babysitting an arcade-game-turned-boy, who was surprisingly energetic and very bright-eyed.

“When are the ninja coming back?” Unagami asked, popping up from behind the couch.

Scott barely suppressed a surprised curse. This kid was way too light on his feet. “I don’t know,” he said, taking a deep breath to calm himself.

Unagami, unlike most kids would, actually accepted that as an answer and went back to his BorgPad, tapping away at the screen.

The thing was, nobody had seen the ninja in a few weeks, now. Scott was beginning to get concerned. After Lloyd had disappeared — which had been information divulged to Scott privately by Jay, because they didn’t want the general public to know — the next few days had been spent in a raw panic. And then, total radio silence.

He hadn’t heard from the ninja since.

He hoped they were okay. He was a little too familiar with people disappearing only to never be heard from again. Well, not until thirty years after the fact.

He wasn’t bitter, not at all.

“What are you doing, anyway?” Scott asked, trying to get his mind off the subject. He was supposed to be taking care of the kid for the day, he might as well have been trying to make some sort of connection.

“Hacking the Hexagon!” Unagami said, looking up from his screen with a big smile.

Oh, that was nice — wait, what?

“Excuse me?” Scott asked, jumping over the back of the couch and crouching on the floor, where Unagami was sitting criss-cross-apple-sauce. Scott peered over his shoulder at the screen.

“If they didn’t want it hacked they shouldn’t have made it so easy,” Unagami shrugged.

Was it… was it normal for a child to be hacking into government facilities from a BorgPad?

Scott was going to go out on a limb and say no. …It was probably just an AI thing? Yeah, it was probably fine.

He watched for a moment as Unagami’s fingers flew across the screen, lines in a language Scott didn’t understand everywhere. He’d never had the ambition to learn how to code.

But damn, back before Prime Empire, people had hardly even dreamed of tech like this.

It was kind of crazy.

Scott was going to be honest with himself. The BorgPad was cool. It had tons of features that were all put together onto one little device — texting and pictures and games and social media and more. It had everything.

But at the end of the day, it was just another reminder that Scott had missed out on so much while he’d been trapped inside the game.

Back in his day, people had been perfectly content with “low quality” arcade games and flip phones. But now… well, people like Cyrus Borg were completely changing the world.

It was cool. But it stung.

“As long as you don’t get like, in trouble with the law or something. I don’t want Dyer buggin’.”

Unagami gave him a weird look, but slowly lowered his gaze back to the screen.

Right. People didn’t say that anymore, did they? His vocabulary was really outdated. He was really outdated.

He sighed, standing up and heading to the kitchen so he could make some tea. Jay had given him some, claiming it was really calming.

Scott could use a little of that right now.

The label was faded enough that it was basically unreadable. Scratch that, it was completely unreadable. Did tea expire…? Nah, Jay wouldn’t have given it to him if it was bad.

As the tea was brewing, Scott leaned against the counter, fiddling with his phone. It had been brand new technology at the time, and had been pretty expensive.

Now, according to Jay, it was “mega-outdated”.

That hurt more than it should have. He remembered being so excited about this thing, but now it was nothing compared to the technology of today.

“You want some tea?” Scott asked when it was done, going for a mug.

“What does it taste like?” Unagami asked, setting aside his tablet and coming over to observe the tea with interest.

“Uhh… I dunno, haven’t tried it yet,” he shrugged.

“I think I would like some, please.”

“Yeah, sure.”

Scott went to pour it, but as he was doing so, he found his mind wandering to wondering where the ninja had disappeared to again. It was strange that they had just —

“Is that supposed to be happening?” Unagami asked.

Scott looked down at the tea, concerned to see a bright glow spilling from the kettle. “Uh…” before he could come up with a rational answer, it brightened, all but blinding the two as it took over the room.

When it faded, there was nothing left but a broken mug on the floor.

———

What the fuck?

What had just happened?

The last thing Scott remembered had been sitting in the kitchen making tea, but now… now he was outside, near some giant metal tower, in a place he absolutely did not recognize.

He didn’t recognize the place, but he did recognize the feeling.

He was in a new realm.

The first thing he could feel was the panic.

Not again. Fuck! Not again. He couldn’t go through this another time, he couldn’t lose more of his life to a monster, he couldn’t — he couldn’t — he couldn’t breathe. He gripped the grass he was sitting on, practically hyperventilating.

“Scott? Are you alright?”

Oh first master, Unagami was here too.

“Get away from me!” he yelled, though he made no move to put distance between them. Instead, the little brat only came closer.

“You need to breathe.”

“I said get away—” Scott’s words died in his throat. Something was different. Something was wrong.

“Captain Clockwork,” a voice said, booming throughout his head.

“What’s going on?” Scott demanded.

“I am Hawk Moth. I can feel your distress. The anger, the grief, all of it. You just want things to go back to the way they used to be, don’t you?”

“Yes…” he found himself agreeing, nodding along.

“I can help you with that. I can give you the power to take back your life. All I need in return is for you to retrieve two pieces of jewelry for me, called the Miraculous. Do we have a deal?”

Scott didn’t even have to think twice. “Yes, Hawk Moth.”

———

Unagami was concerned.

Scott was freaking out, clearly on the verge of a panic attack, and nothing he was doing seemed to help. And then, out of nowhere, it just stopped.

And then Scott started talking to nobody, and then his body, for the briefest of moments, was enveloped in a purple so dark it may as well have been black.

When it was gone, Scott looked different. He was wearing an outfit that could only be described as old-timey-steampunk.

It wasn’t that strange, considering that sort of stuff was perfectly normal in Prime Empire. Still, Unagami should probably make sure that Scott was okay.

“Scott?” he asked, stepping a little closer.

Scott glared at him dark enough to kill.

Wide-eyed, Unagami took a small step back. “Scott, what’s wrong? Who were you talking to? Is this a video game, like Prime Empire?”

“You would just love that, wouldn’t you?” Scott yelled. “You would just love to ruin even more people’s lives!”

“What?”

A ball of light burst into existence in Scott’s hand, which was closed tightly in a fist. He threw the light off to the side, launching at a huge television screen on the side of a building. Almost immediately, it turned into a box-style TV.

Scott smiled wickedly. “Oh, would you look at that? The power to downgrade tech. If I can do that to a TV, I wonder what will happen to a stupid. Little. Arcade game.”

Unagami narrowly dodged a blast from Scott following those words. “Scott, stop! You’re — you’re not in your right mind!”

“Oh, I’m in my right mind!” he screamed. “I’m finally free, and what am I met with but a world that moved on without me? You took away my life!”

“Scott, please, you are not thinking clearly!” Unagami said, desperate.

“Save it, you little brat! Now hold still so I can kill you!”

Unagami tripped, falling back into the grass. He scrambled back, doing his best to get to his feet, but regardless, Scott had the upper hand. He was done for.

He squeezed his eyes shut, accepting the inevitable.

Suddenly, he was being lifted, and then he was in the air. What?

He opened his eyes.

“I’ve got you!” a girl dressed in red spandex with black polka dots all over it said.

“What’s going on?” Unagami asked.

The girl looked confused. “Uh…” they came to a stop on a rooftop. It was then that a boy dressed in what looked like a leather catsuit joined them, vaulting up with an infinitely long pole.

“How do you do, M’lady?” he asked, smiling at the girl.

“Not now, Chat. I just saved this kid from the latest akuma, but I don’t think he’s speaking French.”

“Language barrier powers?” Chat asked. “That’s a new one.”

“I don’t know, from what I could tell, the akuma was speaking in the same language as him.”

“What’s going on?” Unagami demanded. “What happened to Scott?”

Chat frowned. “It sounds kind of like Japanese. But like, not quite? It sounds like Japanese on drugs.”

The girl sighed. “Wonderful description, Chat.”

“Thanks! I try.”

“Wait, I’ve heard this before! It sounds like that language the ninja speak!” The girl said.

“Oh yeah! Maybe they’re from the same place?”

Unagami tuned out their rambling, glancing over the edge of the roof to see if he could still see Scott. Luckily, he couldn’t.

Or was that unlucky?

Scott was the only person he knew here, but at the same time, he’d lost his mind out of nowhere. And now he was on some sort of evil… violent rampage… manhunt… chasing after him… well, that was uncomfortably familiar.

“Okay, well, our miraculous allows him to understand us, I wonder why it doesn’t work the other way?” Chat glanced at Unagami. “You can understand us, right?”

Unagami gave a frustrated nod.

“Okay, well, do you know why that guy got akumatized?”

Unagami had absolutely no idea what that was, but it was clearly in reference to what had happened to Scott.

“I don’t think he does. We have to get back to fighting before this guy destroys half of Paris,” Chat said, tapping his wrist as if there was a watch there.

“Come out, come out, wherever you are!” Scott yelled from the streets below.

“Oh, hey, that was French!” Chat said. “Akuma powers are awesome.”

The girl gave him an unimpressed frown.

Various balls of light were transforming technology into older versions of themselves left and right as Scott rampaged.

“Shit, okay, Chat, can you drop him somewhere away from the akuma?”

“Sure thing Bugaboo!” Chat said with a wide grin. He held out a hand to Unagami. “Hold on tight, kid.”

———

Ladybug landed in front of the akuma gracefully, her yo-yo at her side.

“Ladybug, I presume,” the akuma said.

“That would be right.”

The akuma glared at her. “Look, I don’t particularly want to hurt you. Just hand over the earrings and the kid, and I’ll be on my way.”

“What do you want with him?” Ladybug asked, eyes narrowed. “What could he possibly have done?”

The akuma laughed, and it started low, but it quickly gained a touch of psycho, edging on hysteria. “What didn’t he do?” He yelled, his arms widely gesturing — though his right hand stayed tightly closed. That could be important. “He kept me trapped in a video game for decades. He made me live every day in fear that it would be my last! He ruined my life! He took everything from me!”

Well… fuck.

That was actually a pretty valid reason to be upset with somebody. But how on earth had that happened in the first place? Well, the details didn’t matter. She had an akuma to fight.

Against all reason, Ladybug decided to try getting through to the poor guy. “You don’t have to do this! Hawk Moth is manipulating you!”

“I don’t care!” He screamed. “He made me into Captain Clockwork! He gave me the power to take back my life!”

He threw a blast of energy at Ladybug, which she only barely managed to deflect with her yo-yo. It bounced back to what looked like a brand new car, which immediately turned into a station wagon.

Oh boy.

“Time has moved forward without me. I don’t fit into this world, so I’m gonna make this world fit me!”

She needed to figure out what to break. Whatever he was holding, that could be it.

Unceremoniously, Chat dropped from the sky, landing in a heap next to her.

“I did not get that right…” he muttered, getting to his feet with some difficulty. “What’s the plan, M’lady?”

“I don’t know, but I think the akuma is in whatever he’s holding. We need to get him to drop it.”

“May I offer a distraction in these trying times?”

Ladybug smiled.

“Hey, the future isn’t all that bad!” Chat exclaimed, dramatically vaulting himself to be behind the akuma so that he had to turn around and his attention was off of Ladybug, while she quietly summoned her lucky charm.

“We’ve got video games! And bullet trains, and iPhones, and — ooh, we’ve got anime! It still baffles me that people ever managed to live without anime. A tragedy, really.”

Captain Clockwork glared at him. “We had video games and anime back in my day. It was good enough, it didn’t have to change!”

“That’s sort of the way of life, buddy,” Chat shrugged, batting away a blast with his baton.

“It shouldn’t be! I shouldn’t have gotten left behind!” he screamed, sending blasts of energy one after the other at Chat.

“Left behind?” Chat asked, lowering his guard slightly when the akuma, breathing heavily, stopped firing.

“That boy you stole away just a few minutes ago,” Captain Clockwork said, laughing hysterically. “He kept me trapped inside a video game, for thirty years. Thirty years! It’s not fair! It’s not fair! I’ll kill him!”

“How did a little boy trap you in a video game?” Chat asked, legitimately curious.

“He is the game! He ruled Prime Empire! He ruined my life!”

Chat was regretting asking, because now the akuma was backing him into a corner, his fist glowing. He wasn’t sure he’d ever battled an akuma so full of pure rage before.

Chat extended his baton, sweeping it under the akuma’s feet and knocking him to the ground.

“This is so cool!” Alya shouted from across the street, filming with her iPhone.

“Alya,” Nino all but begged. “We gotta get to safety!”

“But I’m getting some great footage on this thing!”

Captain Clockwork growled, blasting violently at the pair. Alya’s brand new, expensive phone immediately reverted to a flip phone.

The way Alya screamed would have suggested someone had been murdered. “No!” she shrieked, being dragged away by Nino.

“Phones don’t need to be able to record! Just use a fucking video camera! They didn’t have to change it!” Captain Clockwork yelled, running after Alya.

That got the couple’s attention enough to start running.

Chat put himself between them, crying out when he intercepted a blast.

“Chat!” Ladybug yelled.

Chat grunted, rolling with great difficulty away from the akuma.

His baton immediately grew in length, turning into what looked like a perfectly regular, non-magical, old-fashioned baton.

“Oh fuck.”

“Hand over the ring and I won’t hurt you,” Captain Clockwork demanded.

“Sorry, I’ve got a contract,” Chat replied, using the baton as a sort of cane to help him get to his feet again.

He didn’t manage to dodge the next blast, which turned his magical very technologically advanced leather suit into a hoodie and a cheap pair of sweatpants.

Panic gripped him, and he quickly went to feel for his mask. Oh, thank god, it was still there.

Captain Clockwork charged up another blast, but before he could use it, Ladybug grabbed Chat and swung her yo-yo, getting them both away and into a back alley.

“Are you okay, Kitty?” she asked, setting him down gently.

“I’m alright,” he affirmed. “I need to detransform, make sure Plagg is alright. Maybe when I retransform it’ll go back to normal?”

Ladybug purposefully turned around.

“Claws in,” he said.

Immediately, Ladybug could hear a low groan from her partner’s kwami.

“Here,” Chat muttered, presumably offering him some food.

“Thanks. God that really hurt…” Plagg muttered.

“It did?” Chat cried, worry seeping into his voice. “Are you okay? How can I help?”

“I’ll be fine, Kitten,” Plagg said, laughing somewhat through the now very obvious pain. “Just defeat this guy and you can buy me some extra nice cheese to make up for it.”

Chat laughed. “Sure thing Plagg. Claws out!”

Ladybug waited a moment, then turned back around. Luckily, Chat had been right, and his suit was back to normal. “Okay, so we’ve got my lucky charm, but I still don’t know how to use it. Did you learn anything about the akuma?”

“Well, apparently the kid he was trying to obliterate trapped him in a game for thirty years,” Chat shrugged. “I dunno if that’s important though.”

“Yeah, I’ve heard. He keeps screaming about it every chance he gets. But as long as we free the akuma, he’ll be fine. Did you happen to see what he was holding?”

“It looked kind of like a phone, but like, one of those really old flippy ones. Like the ones they used in High School Musical!”

Ladybug sighed. “Well, that’s something. Actually, my lucky charm is a flip phone.”

“That’s weird… think he’d like that?”

“Wait! I have a plan.”

———

Meanwhile, Unagami was hiding behind a trashcan as Scott got closer and closer to his whereabouts. His heart was pounding loudly in his ears.

“Unagami,” Scott called out, his voice sickly sweet and too high in pitch. “Come out, come out wherever you are…”

Unagami held his breath, praying Scott didn’t find him.

“Isn’t it ironic?” Scott asked, something out of Unagmai’s sight crashing loudly. “The hunter becomes the prey. Bet you never thought you’d get retribution, huh?”

He hadn’t meant to ruin Scott’s life. He’d just been following his father’s instructions. He’d apologized. He thought Scott had forgiven him. He’d acted like he had.

Had he felt like this the whole time?

Angry and hurt and wanting to kill him?

And… was this how Scott had felt while trapped in Prime Empire?

Scared for his life, fearing every second that it could be his last? Keeping himself hidden away for years with the constant terror that he would be found?

The trashcan was thrown, and there was Scott.

“Found you.”

“I’m sorry—” Unagami said.

“Save it! Sorry doesn’t make up for the lost time! Sorry doesn’t make up for the fear I lived in! Sorry doesn’t fix things!”

He charged a blast.

Out of nowhere, a bright blue tornado threw Scott across the street.

It slowed to a stop, revealing none other than the blue ninja. “Unagami?” he said, bewildered. “How are you here?”

“Why are you defending him?” Scott screamed. “He trapped you too! He took all of your friends! He hunted you down like a wild animal! Aren’t you angry?”

“Scott? Jay cried, even more bewildered than before. “What the… wait, but Unagami is just a kid! Sure, he caused a lot of pain, but it wasn’t his fault! And he’s done all he can to make it right!” “That’s not good enough!”

“Ice to see you!” Zane yelled, dropping down from the rooftop.

Scott growled, charging a blast of energy. “Just let me kill the little brat! He’s not human! He’s not a person! What difference does it make?”

Unagami froze.

Scott… didn’t see him as a person? All this time?

He thought they had been bonding. He had thought… well, he hadn’t thought they were friends, exactly, but he had at least thought…

It was true that he wasn’t human, but Unagami had likened himself to Zane. They weren't human, but they were still people. But that wasn’t how Scott saw it at all. And he had never known.

Zane screamed out as he was hit with a blast. The light encompassed him, and suddenly he was left with rusty copper skin.

Unagami’s eyes widened in horror.

“I — I — I — do not feel — Jay — I cannot — what is happening?” Zane stammered, his voice box glitching heavily.

“I can downgrade tech,” Scott said, laughing darkly. “You’re tech.”

“Scott, this isn’t you!” Jay attempted. “You’re better than this!”

“I don’t want to be better than this!” he yelled. He threw Jay to the side, completely knocking the boy unconscious.

With Zane unable to even move, Unagami was about to die.

“I never meant to hurt you,” he said.

“Hurt doesn’t care about intention.”

In what was either the best or the worst timing ever, the boy from before — Chat — waltzed over to them casually. “You were right, Captain Clockwork!” he exclaimed loudly. “Old technology is better! I’m just surprised that you didn’t notice I took your phone!” he said, waving around an old flip phone.

“What?” Scott — Captain Clockwork? — gasped, opening his fist. “No you didn’t, it’s right here?”

But then it wasn’t. Ladybug’s yo-yo string wrapped around it, and yanked it hard.

“No!”

Ladybug snapped the phone in half easily. “No more evil-doing for you, little akuma. Time to de-evilize!” she declared, catching the butterfly — Unagami wasn’t even going to ask why a butterfly had come out of Scott’s phone — easily. “Gotcha!” she set the butterfly free, and in a stark contrast to the previous shade of sickly purple it had been, it was now a pure white. “Bye bye, little butterfly.”

Scott fell to the ground, his new avatar — or whatever it was — dropping.

“Miraculous ladybug!” Ladybug shouted, throwing the fake phone into the air. A swarm of butterflies took over, somehow undoing all the damages that Scott had caused.

Honestly, it was far from the strangest thing Unagami had experienced recently.

———

Scott came to on the sidewalk. Hadn’t he just been near some big metal tower thing? And how had he blacked out in the first place? What the hell?

“What… what happened?” he groaned, unable to get to his feet.

Zane — when had Zane gotten here? — said something in what sounded like another language.

“Everything’s alright now, sir!” a girl dressed as what looked something like a superhero said, smiling gently at him. “You don’t know what an akuma is, do you?”

Again, Zane repeated her question, this time looking at him. Ah, he was the translator.

“No…?”

Her and a boy in a leather catsuit shared a look.

“A bad man called Hawk Moth took advantage of you,” the boy explained, reaching out a hand and helping Scott to his feet. “You were feeling some kind of negative emotion, and he used that to turn you into a supervillain.”

A supervillain? What kind of negative emotion could he have been —

He spotted Unagami, who was staring at him in nothing short of terror from against the brick wall of a building. Oh yeah.

“What did I do?”

“Nothing that couldn’t be undone,” the girl assured. “All property damages have been magically repaired, so you don’t have to worry!”

“It’s not the property damages I’m worried about,” Scott muttered, looking at Unagami, guilty all but stabbing him through the heart. The kid looked traumatized.

Before anyone could say anything else, Unagami ran. Jay immediately went after him, but the others stayed behind.

Scott knew that if he went, he would only make things worse. “Please, just… what did I actually do?”

By the end of the recap, Scott had sunk back to the ground.

There wasn’t really a way to fix this, was there?

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jetsetlife138 · 4 years

Note

DarkBeej continuation? ;3c moved to another prompt list this time! :D 5. "So tell me when you're gonna let me in." 55. "Don't you ever do that again." 61. "Is this too fast for you? Too fucking bad."

Paring: Dark!Beetlejuice x Fem!Reader

Rating: Explicit

Warnings: Emotional Manipulation, Threats of Physical Abuse, Dub-Con, Stockholm Syndrome, Psychological Trauma

I hate Tumblr’s formatting. It always fucks with me. Sorry for any issues. Please enjoy! xoxoxo

“Are you hungry?” Beetlejuice asked as he magically summoned his clothes back onto his body after your intimate shower together.

“Um, yeah, actually,” you replied, only now remembering that you had hardly eaten at all since you had gotten there.

“Well, let’s go into the kitchen and see what I can come up with,” Beetlejuice insisted, taking you by the hand and leading you out of the bathroom and through the dark hallway.

A paranoid thought clawed through your mind at that moment, and you couldn’t help but ask in terror, “You’re not going to poison me and kill me… are you?”

Beetlejuice halted immediately to stare directly at you. His eyes appeared to glow brightly in the darkness, reminding you that he wasn’t human, which made your stomach churn in fear. “Babe, you know I would never do that, right?” he insisted, caressing your cheek gently.

“It’s just… and please don’t get upset… you’ve hurt me quite a bit since I’ve arrived and I don’t know if you’re going to do it again. Please, Beetlejuice… don’t tie me up again” you pleaded, losing control over your emotions.

Beetlejuice’s heart shattered at the desperation in your voice. “Don’t you understand that I had to do that? I’ve explained this already. Weren’t you listening? I had to show you how deeply my love runs for you. I couldn’t show you that by simply telling you. You had to feel it for yourself. You had to experience every emotional cut, every stab, every bite, and every other painful encounter that I have felt for you. But now that you have, we can move on and you can understand. Unless, of course… you don’t?”

His question was a challenge, which you picked up on immediately. It was clear that you were pushing Beetlejuice too far with your honesty and you had to do something that would convince him once again that you understood his actions, as barbaric as they were.

With an animalistic impulse and a burst of strength, you shoved Beetlejuice up against the wall in the dark hallway before pressing yourself against him. Gripping the back of his neck tightly, you shoved your mouth against his, devouring him hungrily.

Beetlejuice hesitated for a moment, not fully understanding what was happening, but it didn’t take long for him to melt into the kiss and plunge his tongue into your mouth and explore it greedily.

The kiss was hot, heavy, and uncoordinated, but it was just what Beetlejuice needed. It was all passion and he held onto your hips, pulling you even closer. Absentmindedly, you began to grind your hips into Beetlejuice’s, the friction causing Beetlejuice to moan into the kiss.

Much to your bewilderment, you had started to lose yourself in the intimate encounter, even slightly enjoying the way Beetlejuice’s form fit against your own. When it dawned on you that you were letting your control slip away, you pulled back slowly, breathing heavily, wishing that you could see Beetlejuice’s expression in the darkness.

“Oh wow, gorgeous. That was… um… unexpected,” Beetlejuice sputtered. “I adore you, babe,” he concluded, lifting your hand to kiss the back of it tenderly. “Come on, let’s get you something to eat.”

Though you were grateful to have found a way to distract Beetlejuice from his flaring temper, it made you nervous. It was obvious that you had to use sex and affection as a weapon, but you knew that you couldn’t overdo it or Beetlejuice would notice. He wasn’t a dumb guy, but he was clouded with obsession, and you knew that you could use that to your advantage if you played your cards right. The only problem was remembering that it was an act and that you weren’t actually falling for the psychotic son of a bitch that kidnapped you and had put you through hell.

Beetlejuice had escorted you to the table nestled in the corner of the severely outdated kitchen as he started to raid the cabinets for something to eat. “As I’m sure you can imagine… I don’t eat. But there’s gotta be something in here that will hold you over.” Picking up a box from the cupboard, he inspected it with a grimace. “How does Mac n’ cheese sound?”

“That sounds perfect,” you assured him.

“Excellent! Obviously, I think it goes without saying that I’m not the best cook. I had to possess a guy to get this stuff, but it seemed pretty basic enough that even I could make it. I guess we’ll find out!.”

You were consistently confused when it came to Beetlejuice’s demeanor. It was almost as if he was suddenly normal and not a dead psychotic ghoul. There were no mood swings, no threats, and no gore obsession. If you didn’t know any better, you would think that you and Beetlejuice were actually friends. It was a very odd situation and you had to constantly remind yourself of what Beetlejuice was capable of.

As Beetlejuice started to prepare the food, the silence became uncomfortable and he decided to initiate conversation. “So, is there anything you want to talk about?”

You were hesitant to reply. “Uh, no, I’m fine. I don’t mind sitting here quietly.” Your attempt to sway him from further discussion didn’t go over well.

Beetlejuice turned to give you a disapproving stare. “Come on, hot stuff. You don’t have anything you wanna talk about? No typical breather concerns or questions about your new home or our future or anything? I seem to recall you being very chatty when you first arrived. So tell me when you’re gonna let me in, babe. Obviously, at first, you weren’t ready or willing to hear me out. It seems like you are now, so go ahead. Fire away.”

You considered his proposal for a minute. The first question you wanted to ask was where the exit was, but that obviously wouldn’t go over well. Ultimately, you had decided to start out with something simple that would help your connection to Beetlejuice. “I guess I’m curious about you. I really don’t know much about you. How did you end up here? What happened to you?”

“Ahh,” Beetlejuice acknowledged with approval. “Now we’re getting somewhere. It’s a long story, but I guess you should know.” He turned his attention back to the boiling pot of water as he thought back on his past..

“I had everything in life - or so it would seem. My life was pretty fulfilling. I spent a good amount of time traveling, graduated from Harvard Business School, attended Julliard, and ultimately ended up as an overpaid corporate lackey. But none of that mattered. Not after I met her.”

Unable to stop yourself, you swallowed hard as you failed to hold back your grimace. Luckily, he didn’t notice anything. “I couldn’t sleep, I wasn’t eating, and I fell into a depression because I couldn’t have her. She didn’t want me. So, I took her.”

You were grateful that Beetlejuice was currently focused on preparing your meal and wasn’t facing you to notice your appalled expression.

“You remind me of her in that way. You didn’t want me at first either. Remember how badly you treated me?” he asked, turning briefly to raise his eyebrows at you.

“I do. I’m really sorry about that, Beetlejuice. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

The ghoul chuckled and turned back to the hot stove. “That’s alright, babe. We’re past that now. You’re mine, and you’ll never leave me again.”

The way he said it so matter-of-factly sent a shiver down your spine. It was difficult to understand how Beetlejuice became so fucked up if he had supposedly lived such a charmed life. He probably didn’t even know that he was crazy, and you weren’t about to be the one to tell him that. No, you had to bide your time and play your part, which you thought that you had been doing pretty convincingly so far.

“Anyway, our relationship was doomed from the start and eventually I ended it all,” he finished vaguely, leaving you to wonder what that poor girl’s eventual demise was. The thought of it left knots in your stomach.

“And the rest is history!” Beetlejuice finished happily, pulling you from your thoughts. “I have you now. Something about your very existence drew me to you, and I don’t think that it’s a coincidence. We were meant to be together and I’m so glad that you’re finally here with me.”

The food was done at that point and ready to eat. Beetlejuice had placed an ample amount into a bowl for you, beaming at his accomplishment. “I hope you like it,” he said with a grin as he placed the food down in front of you.

For something as plain as macaroni and cheese, your stomach growled loudly at the appetizing smell of it and you were unable to stop yourself from digging in greedily, relishing as the food hit your empty stomach.

“Do you like it?” Beetlejuice asked earnestly.

After swallowing a large mouthful, you replied, “Very much, thank you, Beetlejuice. This is great.”

Beetlejuice grinned widely, happy that he was able to please his lover.

He allowed you to finish eating in silence as he watched you practically inhale the food. When you were finished Beetlejuice had cleared your bowl and held out his hand to you.

“Come on, let’s watch some t.v.,” he insisted as you took his hand, surprised that there was a working television in the decrepit house.

The two of you wandered into another room, which was pretty sparse apart from a big couch and a small t.v. As the two of you settled on the sofa, Beetlejuice managed to maneuver you like a ragdoll so that you were curled up against his body. Shifting uncomfortably, you were not at all enjoying the direct contact, but you knew that you had to suppress the unpleasant feeling.

“What do you wanna watch?” Beetlejuice asked, enjoying the way your chest rose and fell against him with each breath.

“Um, I’m not picky, whatever you want,” you insisted. Beetlejuice gave you a disapproving look to which you feigned a smile and reached up to press your lips lightly to his in hopes of convincing him that you were content sitting there snuggling with him.

It had worked just as you had hoped. Beetlejuice smiled in return and flipped through the channels until he settled on a The Exorcist. “You know… I’ve seen this at least a hundred and sixty-seven times, and it just gets funnier every time I see it.”

Humming in acknowledgement, you had a hard time understanding what was so funny about a terrifying movie about demonic posession, but it must have somehow appealed to his sick sense of humor.

As the two of you watched, Beetlejuice kept looking from the t.v. to your face to read your expression, probably making sure that you were enjoying yourself. Eventually, he relaxed a bit and allowed his head to rest on the back of the couch. After about an hour or so later, you could hear him breathing heavily, which soon turned into a full-on snore.

Glancing up at him, you whispered, “Beetlejuice? Are you awake?” Shockingly, you received no response.

As carefully as you could, you unwrapped yourself from Beetlejuice’s clutches. It was surprising that he had continued to sleep soundly even after you had slipped out from underneath his heavy arms. Now was as good a time as any to explore your surroundings in hopes of finding a way out.

Beginning in the room you were currently in, you looked for any signs of a door, but just like every other room so far, there were no doors that led outside - nor any windows for that matter. The only thing you could find was a small vent towards the ceiling. It was barely big enough to fit your head through, so you knew that there was no point in investigating further since you couldn’t fit through it yourself.

Continuing your search, you inspected the kitchen to no avail. Even after searching the closets and cupboards to see if there was a hidden doorway, there was nothing remotely close to an exit.

Next, you began walking down the main hallway and inspected the rooms that were now unlocked, but much to your disappointment, they were only closets and other storage spaces. For every room you had checked, you had come up empty-handed.

Feeling discouraged, you sauntered back into the living room and sat down on the other end of the couch next to Beetlejuice. The light of the t.v. flickered across the room while you lay your head back on the couch, absentmindedly following the lines and patterns on the ceiling. You had to wonder how this place could have been built without any entrance or windows. There was no way. It couldn’t be done. You had to have gotten in there somehow.

On top of that, who in their right mind would create such a depressing place? Though, you had to give Beetlejuice credit for finding the perfect hideout to stash away a kidnapping victim.

Lost in your thoughts, you continued to follow the patterns in the ceiling to calm yourself before Beetlejuice’s voice pulled you back to the present.

“Babe?” You bolted upright to see Beetlejuice staring at you with half-lidded eyes. “What are you doing?” he asked tiredly with a hint of suspicion in his voice.

“Nothing,” you answered too quickly. “I got up to--”

“Don’t you ever do that again,” he snapped, the harshness of his voice making you flinch. “I-I was just…” you stuttered, trying to come up with a good excuse. “You fell asleep and I wanted to give you more room to spread out. I didn’t want to go far, so I just stayed here while you slept. I didn’t think that would upset you. I’m sorry.”

Beetlejuice narrowed his eyes at you, making you want to melt under his heated gaze. “I don’t ever need space from you. In fact, let’s go lay down. We’ll have more in the bed.”

Begrudgingly, you stood up and shuffled over to Beetlejuice as he got up from the couch. You really didn’t want to go back into the bedroom, but you knew that there was no point in arguing with him.

At some point, Beetlejuice had changed the sheets and you were grateful for the fresh smell of detergent as you lay down on the soft surface that you had come to know so well during your time there.

Turning back to your captor, your eyes widened at the sight of Beetlejuice’s bare torso. He smirked, knowing that this wasn’t what you were expecting.

“Beetlejuice?” you asked quietly, your voice hoarse with anxiety.

Not bothering to give you a response, he instead crawled on top of you and pulled himself up so that his face was directly above yours, so close that your noses practically touched. Beetlejuice stayed there for a moment, searching your eyes with his own before he started to lean in.

Instinctively, you turned your head away, exposing your neck to the ghost, which he took advantage of and edged forward to delicately brush his lips over the soft skin of your throat.

Beetlejuice had looked up at you after he kissed your neck to see what your reaction would be. You had refused to meet his gaze, which didn’t bother him at all because he knew that you were enjoying what he was doing to you, whether you wanted to admit it or not.

He continued to plant soft kisses on his lover’s neck as his hands went from stroking your chest, to running through your hair. He became more forceful with his kisses until he switched to nipping and sucking, leaving marks on you to claim you as his own. Beetlejuice was marking his property and he could feel your body shudder beneath him at the sensation.

Beetlejuice slowly and sensually made his way back up your throat until his lips found yours again and he sucked on your bottom lip. It surprised him that you didn’t resist, but he was too pleased to be overly suspicious about it.

An internal battle was coursing through your mind. Obviously, you were disgusted, but if you had to choose between Beetlejuice cutting you open, or kissing you, the latter was the better option.

If you wanted to get Beetlejuice to trust you enough to let you have more freedom, you couldn’t keep fighting him. You hated it, but you would have to accept whatever Beetlejuice was doing to you. Not only that, but you would have to pretend to enjoy it. You weren’t sure if you could, but you had to try.

Once he was finished teasing your bottom lip, Beetlejuice wanted to see how far you were willing to let him go, so he pressed his lips softly to yours, not waiting long before forcing his tongue into his lover’s mouth with little resistance. Beetlejuice sighed into the kiss, relishing in the taste of your saliva, wishing that he could have that flavor on his tongue forever.

When your lips parted from one another, Beetlejuice pressed his mouth to your ear and whispered darkly, “You taste so fucking good. I want more of you.”

He noticed how you swallowed hard at his remark. He smirked and slowly pulled away, removing himself from on top of you, placing his hands on your shorts and panties before tugging on them. Beetlejuice paused, noticing your apprehension and grumbled, “Is this too fast for you? Too fucking bad,” he barked, not waiting for a response. “I love you so much. I would do anything for you. I want you to feel how much I love you.”

He continued to pull your shorts down until they slipped off of your legs, soon joined by your top, leaving you bare before Beetlejuice’s hungry eyes. He didn’t waste any time in kneeling back onto the bed as his mouth watered and lingered over your hot core. “Just relax, babe. I’m going to make you feel so good,” he promised as he eagerly parted your legs and pressed the tip of his index finger on your bundle of nerves.

Loathing the situation you were in, you knew that you had to persuade Beetlejuice that this was something that you wanted, too. You didn’t know if you could do it, but you had to be as convincing as possible.

When Beetlejuice started to rub small circles against your clit, you forced out a pleasured groan, causing Beetlejuice to halt his movements for a moment. You met his widened eyes with your own needy ones as Beetlejuice’s mouth hung open in surprise. “Did you just… Do you like this, baby?” He asked, anxious for a response.

Biting your lip, you hoped that it looked more seductive than you felt. “Mmnh, yes. Please… don’t stop,” you begged, your voice trembling slightly.

Beetlejuice released a breath that he didn’t realize he was holding. He couldn’t help the grin that spread across his face as he let your words wash over him. He had waited so long to hear you speak to him like that. He wasn’t about to waste another moment in case you changed your mind.

Sliding his finger down to your hole, he slipped in a thick digit while he leaned down to wrap his lips around your clit, sucking in lightly, swirling his tongue all around. “Oh god… fuck,” you groaned as you let your head sink into the pillows, closing your eyes tightly, trying to force yourself to enjoy this.

Beetlejuice hummed happily as he inserted a second finger, pumping in and out of your sex with vigor. Lapping up your juices greedily, Beetlejuice continued to eat you out like he was starved, earning soft curses and moans of approval, which only aroused him further. He tried to memorize the taste of you, delighting in the sweet and tanginess of your slick as he added a third finger, earning a choked sob from you.

“Mmnh, Beetlejuice. Oh god, I-I’m close,” you warned as your climax was drawing near.

Beetlejuice pulled himself off of you, earning a desperate look from you. “Not yet, babe. I’m not done with you yet.”

Surprisingly, you were actually disappointed when Beetlejuice stopped eating you out. You tried to tell yourself that it was just because he was really good at it, and that your acting skills were better than you thought, but a part of you wondered otherwise.

“I can’t tell you how long I’ve waited for this,” he commented soothingly as he pulled his length out of his striped pants, giving it a few pumps and smearing the pre cum over his length.

This moment was inevitable. You knew that. You were trapped and Beetlejuice had absolutely no intention of letting you out of there without some establishment of trust. Otherwise, you were probably going to die there.

Beetlejuice’s body quivered as he continued preparing his length, knowing that he was about to stretch and fill you to completion.

The ghoul crawled onto the bed and straddled you once more before bending forward and pulling you towards him harshly into a sloppy and needy kiss, to which you not only accepted but reciprocated in return. Beetlejuice was in Heaven, and he never wanted it to end.

He pulled back and gazed hungrily at you. “I love you so fucking much,” he whimpered as he positioned himself above you, taking his large cock into his hand once more as he gave himself more stimulating strokes. His eyes met yours as he asked barely above a whisper, “Do you love me?”

You knew you had to reply quickly, but you weren’t ready to utter those words, even if it was a lie. Beetlejuice would see right through that and his suspicions would make for a bad situation, which you wanted to avoid, especially considering the position that you were in.

Taking a deep breath, you finally answered. “I could love you… someday.”

Beetlejuice let the words register in his mind. No, you didn’t love him… yet. He knew deep down that it was probably too soon for that. You still barely knew him, but the fact that you were open enough to admit that you could someday love him was enough and he accepted it.

He smiled widely as he lined up his cock to your weeping entrance before pushing in at a torturously slow pace. As you were painfully and somewhat satisfyingly stretched, you emitted a satisfied moan. “Fuck, babe,” he groaned as he bottomed out, pausing to allow you to adjust to his girth.

A small whimper spilled from your lips as his length became sheathed inside of you. You couldn’t deny how good it felt, even if it was with someone you despised. He seemed to fit inside of you perfectly -- like he was made for you.

The ghoul started to lift himself once he felt like you had become more adjusted before he shifted back in, relishing in the feeling of being inside of you. Before long, he had built a steady rhythm, concentrating on the sinful sounds spilling from your mouth as you moaned with pleasure. It calmed Beetlejuice knowing that he was the one who was making those sounds come from your lips.

Alternating his angle slightly, you cried out when Beetlejuice’s shaft hit your g-spot, grazing against it just right. His own sock started to throb painfully, but he refused to come, instead, picking up speed now that he had found that perfect spot inside of you.

“Fuck, babe. You’re so- mnf- you’re so fucking perfect.”

It was clear that you weren’t going to last much longer with the increased friction that Beetlejuice was causing with his desperate speed. You were lost in your own pleasure as Beetlejuice continued to pound into you. “Oh my fucking god,” you whined softly, not wanting Beetlejuice to hear the effect that he had on you, despite the fact that you had been pretty vocal this whole time.

Fortunately for Beetlejuice, he had heard your cries of pleasure, which only spurred him further to bring you to completion. He rolled his hips and increased his speed, causing you to moan shamelessly loudly at the increased friction. “Cum for me, baby. Come on. Show me what you look like when you’re all fucked out,” he demanded, breathing heavily.

“Beetlejuice… fuck,” you choked out as the familiar feeling winding tightly in your lower half. “I-I’m gonna-” and before you could finish your sentence, the coil snapped, causing you to spasm harsly, the force of it practically paralyzing you with bliss.

Beetlejuice lost himself shortly after, his cum filling you to the brim as he nearly blacked out from how good it felt. Coming to shortly after, he continued to thrust in and out until he was completely spent, still sheathing himself inside of your heat, not wanting the experience to end.

After he caught his breath and he could feel your trembling body calm a bit, he removed himself from inside of you and fell forward on the bed beside you.

As you panted heavily, you absentmindedly moaned as Beetlejuice leaned over to lick the sweat that had accumulated on your face, which you immediately regretted as Beetlejuice hummed happily in assurance. He then wrapped his arms around you tightly, still catching his breath. “That was perfect,” he muttered as he planted soft kisses on your cheek.

Unsure of what to say, you just stared at the ceiling. The sex had actually been somewhat enjoyable, which frightened you. It was imperative to recognize the sadist that Beetlejuice was rather than the sexual bliss that he could make you feel. Though you felt repulsed, you knew that it would be worth it once you were able to get out of there and be free from Beetlejuice.

It was only a matter of time.

#beetlejuice #betelguese #musicaljuice #beetlejuice the musical #beetlejuice the movie #beej #soft beej #beetlejuicexreader #beetlejuice x fem!reader #beetlejuice x reader #adult themes #dark elements #mature themes

62 notes · View notes

perspective-series · 5 years

Text

Switched Perspective (12)

By: @arc852 and @hiddendreamer67

Warnings: Mentions of Past Trauma, Revenge, and Mention of Deceit

(Check the reblog for the links to the previous chapters and the prequel!)

This is a sequel to A Third Perspective! Read that first or you will be confused!

Prepare yourselves guys...

Smirking, Virgil poked Logan’s side. “Logan, wake up.” He said.

Logan let out a groan, startled by the pressure to his side. He sat up slightly, rubbing at his eyes beneath his glasses before taking in his surroundings. Looking up at Virgil and realizing this hadn’t all been some elaborate dream, Logan turned an ashen gray. “...oh.”

“Yeah, ‘oh’ is right. And guess what?” Virgil leaned in real close. “It’s just the two of us now.”

Logan tried to back away but was stopped when he collided with Virgil’s curled fingers forming a wall. Why were they alone? Where had Thomas gone? Why had he ever listened to that idiot Roman? He should have told Patton when he still had the chance.

“They’ll come back for me,” Logan said, although even he wasn’t so sure. Had everyone agreed this was for the best? Was it a group decision to sacrifice him to Virgil?

Virgil hummed. “Maybe, but by then it’ll have been too late.” Virgil changed his grip so he was now holding Logan in a fist. “You’ll already be broken. Just like I was.” He moved the beaker closer and dropped Logan inside, watching him through the glass.

“This look familiar to you?”

Logan tumbled against the smooth glass, hitting his head in the fall on the wall hard enough to certainly leave a bump. He groaned, putting a hand to his head as he stood up. Looking at Virgil through the glass distorted the view, making Virgil appear even more ghastly and threatening than before.

“Yes.” Logan was hesitant, but he knew he couldn’t get away without giving Virgil answers.

“Hmm, thought so. How about this.” Virgil picked up the notebook and held it up, waving it in Logan’s line of sight. “Hope you don’t mind, but I sorta destroyed everything in it.” Virgil opened up the journal, revealing the ripped pages. He shrugged and kicked the paper at his feet for good measure.

“That’s fair,” Logan admitted. Though he hated seeing one of his beloved notebooks torn to shreds, he did have to destroy the borrower evidence kept inside anyways. Hopefully, it had at least been therapeutic for Virgil to be the one to do it.

Virgil glared at him, having hoped for a better reaction. He huffed and took a seat at the desk. He grabbed the gloves and made a show of putting them on, before grabbing a pencil and opening the notebook in front of him. “...I wonder how tall you are?” Virgil asked out loud, pretending to look deep in thought as he looked Logan over.

“Oh, but would you look at that, you’re moving way too much to be able to get an accurate reading,” Virgil said, despite the fact Logan was completely still. He reached his hand in, and in similar fashion to what Logan had done to him, pressed him up against the glass. “There we go.” He went ahead and wrote down the number.

Logan let out a slight groan, his head injury pressing up against the glass in an uncomfortable fashion. “...how tall am I?” Logan had the guts to say, curious about if his borrower height differed from Virgil’s.

“Huh, you’re actually my height. Or, er, my borrower height.” Virgil said before he blinked and glared at Logan. “Wait a second, no!” He took his hand away, letting Logan fall to the bottom of the glass again.

“You’re supposed to be scared. Not asking me questions.” Virgil growled out. Why did Logan have to be so frustrating?

“Oh, I am scared.” Logan clarified, brushing off his clothing. And he was, but Logan knew this was mostly instinctual fear and thus could be suppressed. Also, the glass barrier between them made Logan feel a bit bolder. “But I also know you’re not going to hurt me. Of course, that’s assuming your own word can be trusted.”

“No, no, no.” Virgil shook his head. “You’re supposed to be panicking and shaking and-and crying just like I was!” This wasn’t working, his idea wasn’t working. Fine, new plan.

Virgil stood up so he was towering over Logan. He took off the gloves before reaching in and grabbing Logan in a fist, taking him out and holding him close to his face. “Fine. Then let’s talk, hmm? Because I just got a very interesting call from a certain someone just before you got here.”

“Wait, what?” Logan was now nervous, not sure what was going on. At least when Virgil was doing his little bit of repeating Logan’s own actions, Logan could predict what would happen next. The uncertainty was a mystery Logan didn’t wish to explore.

“Yeah. Professor Dee. You know, the one you were going to show me off to? Well, he called about wanting his cage back...and the occupants inside.” Virgil glared and tightened his grip a little more, not enough to hurt him though. “He told me you had discussed it before.” Virgil shook his head.

“Looks like I was right about you after all.”

“L-Let me explain myself!” Logan spoke up frantically, feeling the grip slowly tightening around him. “It was when we were searching for my phone. The dean began to threaten me and asked for me to give him both in exchange for knowledge about the phone’s whereabouts.”

“But-!” Logan rapidly finished his explanation. “I only agreed to his deal because he asked for the cage and its current occupants. You and Patton were safely in Roman’s care at the time, so all I promised was an empty cage. Which I was planning on returning, regardless.”

“And why should I believe you?” Virgil asked, throwing his free hand up for emphasis. He then pointed it at Logan. “You already planned on doing it once before, I can’t imagine it would be too hard to convince you to do it again.” He thought back to another thing Dee had said. “Especially if it counted towards your masters program, which you seem to care a lot about.” Anything to do with school, it seemed Logan cared a lot about.

“Virgil, you know how I acted,” Logan argued. “You are the one individual who saw me at my worst. I was calloused and calculating and cruel. My sole motivation in life was to impress Professor Dee and get myself into that masters program. That presentation was my best chance, and all I had to do was give you up. Certainly, if I was going to turn you in that was the optimal time to do it. So why didn’t I do it then?”

“I don’t know! Maybe you actually did have a change of heart there for a while, maybe not. Either way, how do I know that Dee didn’t convince you to just do it? You were adamant on keeping us after all, of putting us in this cage.” He motioned towards the cage. “Maybe Dee said you’d be able to keep Patton if you turned me in! Because clearly, you liked him much better than me, what with how Patton is way too friendly for his own good and you could take advantage of that.”

“I wasn’t trying to take advantage of Patton!” Logan insisted. “I was trying to positively bond with both of you, but given my behavior upon our first meeting, it’s no surprise my efforts failed there. But regardless of my failures, I had-have- no intention of turning either of you into that insane failure of a scholar.”

Virgil grit his teeth. “Fine, let's say I believe you. That doesn’t negate the fact you still wanted to keep us, even as Roman agreed to let us go. You simply agreed because you knew you wouldn’t be able to stop Roman, but if it wasn’t for him both Patton and I would be sitting in that cage.”

“For your own good!” Logan blurted out, before realizing that Virgil would not see it the same way.

Virgil’s eyes twitched. “For our...own good.” Virgil stared at Logan. “And what could you possibly mean by that?” Virgil growled, his anger quickly becoming out of control.

“W-Well…” Logan whimpered slightly, leaning as far back as Virgil’s fist allowed. “You kept hurting yourself trying to escape, and I thought...if there was someplace you could stay without being able to harm yourself…” Logan trailed off; even he noticed how weak his argument sounded.

“Harming myself-? Wait.” Virgil raised an eyebrow. “You mean when I was running against the beaker, right? Well, newsflash nerd, but I wouldn’t be trying to harm myself if I hadn’t been trying to escape.” Virgil sighed.

“You really think keeping me trapped would have fixed that? No.” Virgil sneered, bringing Logan closer. “Any other reasons you think it would have been ‘good’ for us?”

“S-Shelter?” Logan cringed, trying to offer up all his reasons so that maybe Virgil would take pity on him. Of course, both knew that was highly unlikely. “Food? Water? Higher standard of living? Warmth? Protection?”

Virgil leaned back, narrowing his eyes. “...Are you saying we can’t take care of ourselves? That we’re completely helpless when it comes to surviving? Besides, even if we were, what right do you have to make that decision for us? Huh?”

“I-I know that now!” Logan backpedaled. “It’s a common human error, assuming a lesser species is incapable of sustaining itself. I had no right to try and interfere with the delicate borrower ecosystem.”

“No, you didn’t.” Virgil was getting tired of this. He couldn’t tell for sure whether Logan was saying was the truth or not. For all Virgil knew, everything he said could be a lie, a way to save himself from Virgil. Virgil stood up, Logan still in hand.

He silently made his way to the door, opening it and heading up the stairs, past the fifth floor and still going.

“Uh, V-Virgil?” Logan asked quietly, trying to duck down. He was worried by Virgil’s behavior. Usually, Virgil was so focused on keeping borrowers a secret, yet now he carried Logan out into the stairwell without a care in the world. Logan’s concern only grew when he noticed them pass Roman’s floor. There was only one thing above the 5th floor: the roof.

Virgil had been to the roof many times as a borrower. It was peaceful, especially at night and it allowed him a quiet space to think. Virgil looked up, the stars were out and looking down below, there didn’t seem to be anyone out and about. It was just Virgil and Logan outside tonight.

Perfect.

Logan shivered, a cold breeze blowing over his head. The altitude made the air especially freezing on his tiny frame.

“Virgil, why are we up here?” Logan asked, hating the look on Virgil’s face and the fact the human wasn’t answering his questions.

Virgil didn’t answer, instead going over to the edge of the building. He did smirk at the fear in Logan’s voice though. His other plan hadn’t worked, hadn’t caused as much fear as he had hoped. Nowhere close to what he had felt. So...maybe this would.

He reached the hand holding Logan out, past the edge of the building.

A drop of five stories if Virgil were to let go.

#gt #Giant/tiny #thomas sanders #sanders sides #infinitesimal!sides #au #borrowers #virgil sanders #switched!virgil #logan sanders #switched!logan #platonic #analogical #switched perspective #part 12

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just-kessho · 5 years

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Ambrosia: Dazai Happiness Week

[Day 5] Dancing

AU: None

Warnings: None

[Day 1] [Day 2] [Day 3] [Day 4] [Here] [Day 6] [Day 7]

Song fic (Sugar Song and Bitter Step)

It’s not something that [Name] would pick to kill the time… especially when the agency (and her own organisation – if it can even qualify as one as it only had two members, and that includes the boss/founder himself! – helped) just closed a particularly exhausting case that contained a bigger threat than presumed.

Thus like dominos falling, the members that were dragged in involved somehow stockpiled as this job dragged on. And that led us to now, with the whole of the agency in this spacious room that… will probably stink of a rotten stench of vomit and alcohol as soon as the first rays of sun light breaks through.

Oh wait, judging by the opened bottles that formerly housed fine wine and sparkling campaign that was perhaps worth more than Dazai’s life insurance – when he finally decides to get one, that is.

What sort of place were they in?

A room that should be the range in the 80s, and if the disco ball that hung as the central masterpiece didn’t really give away where they currently were enjoying themselves (and by that, I mean drinking their problems and traumas away), the lights that flashed red, green, yellow… all the vibrant colours that were available to the human eye, thus making [Name] wonder whether she was high or not, pained with the thunderous music that were blasted should make you put everything together.

Yes, the Armed Detective Agency and The Office were having a private party that only the chosen (i.e. only those who worked in the two organisations) were invited.

Hmm… but seeing Atsushi being swung round and round like that traditional sport originating in Scotland by Naomi, and Kunikida’s glass seemingly to contain endless wine for him to drink (that probably has something to do with the fact that Yosano was next to him) thus making the colour on his cheeks imitate the colour of the wine more and more as the night went on, even [Name] had to pinch herself just to make sure that this wasn’t a dream.

And she pinched her cheek harder when Sugar Song and Bitter Step came next… blaring the singer’s voice throughout the whole room for everybody to hear.

I’ve gotten used to this super-natural-cataclysm-like-madness

That I mistake this daily life for peace

Shaken around by the rambling coaster

What is the thing I can’t loose sight of?

Hey, hey, hey. When did the lyrics resonate with her so much?

“The thing that I can’t loose sight of?” she repeated, eyes unconsciously setting on her brunette of a boyfriend – who was, might I add, doing the fucking worm on the dance floor.

Dazai Osamu, the demon prodigy of the Port Mafia, who could break a human being in under one minute, doing the worm?!

Swallowed by the concept of fundamental equality

It feels like even my heart is an et cetera

Hate it! Love it! If you don’t speak out clearly

You’re no different from a doll

All right, that that last sentence was weirdly called out for… [Name] was often compared to a doll in her younger years. But looking back on her having as much personality and emotion as a wooden door was absolutely nothing seeing the intoxicated state that Dazai was in.

Granted, she was 98% sure that he wasn’t really drunk, but being the drama queen that he was, it was almost guaranteed that he would act like he was drunk like, thirty minutes into this party.

Still, the way he twirled around, the blue blazer flared around like… like a miniskirt (wait, that simile was horrible – eh, [Name]’s going to blame it on the delicious wine in her glass… she might had one too many) and the carefree laughter that soon accompanied were music to her ears – more so than the song that was playing.

In the crowds of people moving through the night city streets

Some seem happy, some seem lonely

The contrast skips around the music staff

And turns into song and rhythm

“Lonely”, huh?

Even when she wasn’t, strictly speaking, in the city streets, strolling along in the streets much like what [Name] does when the sweet dreamland that awaits her did not come, this place does really echo what was sang in the song. As the agency’s newest member, Kyouka, seemed rather… uncomfortable (and that description was mild) when she first stepped foot in this room wearing an attire that was more formal for parties such as this one, looking as though she would rather be anywhere but here.

It somehow prompted an instinct and a burn in the chest of [Name] that she could not put a finger on… for reasons unknown, she had to suppress a wave of emotion that wanted her to just run up to the girl and show her the time of her life tonight (Port Mafia wasn’t known for generosity and ‘fun times’). But she suppressed it, as while the two did converse, most of the times the topic ran itself out and so an awkward silence would reside over the two.

Besides, [Surname] [Name] personally wasn’t known as someone that worries over people and/or known as a kind woman who would do anything for her friends (unless that person is Dazai Osamu but let her catch you say that, and you wound end up missing a few fingers).

Thankfully, Atsushi directed her to the refreshments where they had a lovely time together – well, until Naomi dragged the poor boy to the centre of the stage and swung him round like a toy.

… And Izumi Kyouka wasn’t the only one who was lonely.

And her eyes glanced over to Dazai (who was… was he doing the Mexican wave now?!) again.

His movements weren’t controlled… that was a good thing. In dark times several years back, every movement that he made was almost robotic and… inhuman to the point of [Name] wanting to even dissect Dazai just to fuel her curiosity of whether he truly was a human, or a robot wanting to understand humans.

And his predictions, which were – and are – frighteningly accurate did not help much.

Still, now his movements were so carefree and fluid now that the metaphorical puppet strings that were stitched painfully into his skin (no doubt by Mori) were cut.

Honestly, it made her happy.

… But once again, [Surname] [Name] will blame her change in mood on the alcohol.

Marmalade and sugar song, peanuts and bitter step

It’s sweet and bitter and my head seems to be spinning around

Let’s head for south-southwest and keep the party going on

It will be a night to amaze the whole world

I feel fantastic; form a chain and reflect

Huh, she must say, being beside him does have its ups and downs. Her world did – and will continue to – spin around, not that she was complaining.

For as long as the smile – that genuine smile stays on Dazai’s face, then she wholeheartedly wouldn’t mind to continue spinning around him.

“[Name]-chan, dance with me!”

Wait, wait, wait, wait!

“No!”

“Come on!”

“No, no, no, no way, no way, no way!”

But her complains landed on deaf ears. One hand in [Name]’s, the other hand snatching away the glass and tossing it somewhere (oh dear, she hoped no one would have to pay for the damage that they inflicted on this place…), Dazai lead her straight among the non-ability office workers of ADA and twirled her around, all the while filling her ears with his laughter.

Hmm… perhaps she should entertain him for tonight.

Marmalade and sugar song, peanuts and bitter step

Ranpo was, as expected, filling his stomach in the dessert section of the refreshments, not understanding the term of ‘sharing’ at all as he continued to literally inhale every sweet edibles straight in him. Beside him, Fukuzawa said nothing, though he did drink from his wine glass at regular intervals. Perhaps it was his way of letting the agency’s best (self-proclaimed, though nobody would disagree) detective have a break.

It’s sweet and bitter and my head seems to be spinning around

The Tanizaki siblings were dancing with each other once again, now that Naomi finally, finally let Atsushi off. Their synchronised laughter could be heard even above the song that was playing.

Let’s head for south-southwest and keep the party going on

Kunikida and Yosano were still pouring wine in each of their glasses, and Vesalius Andreas, [name]’s uncle and boss, joined them with his cheeks already a red colour. None of then once stopped to re-evaluate what they were doing.

Ah well, if they were enjoying themselves, fully, then what were anyone to do? Even if the three are going to wake up tomorrow feeling like the end of the world as they know it – which they, spoiler alert, did.

It will be a night to amaze the whole world

Atsushi and Kyouka left the refreshments table and started to dance, as invited by Kenji (who had the brightest smile on his face, it had the power of a thousand suns now that the two joined him). Never have Kyouka once shown an expression like that in all her thirteen years at the mafia… or rather, when she is alive.

I feel fantastic;

(Yeah, [Name] really does feel fantastic. Right next to the dancing brunette who had the brightest smile on his face – which was foreign and unknown to the eighteen year old of four years ago. This was fine.

This is fine.)

form a chain and reflect

Goes on; fun leaves, hardship leaves and fun comes again!

Guess who’s three days late.

@dazaixhappinessweek2k19

#bungou stray dogs #bsd #dazai osamu (bsd)#dazai x reader #dazaixhappinessweek2k19 #reader insert #fluff #imported work #atsushi nakajima #izumi kyouka #naomi tanizaki #literally everyone in ada #Ambrosia: Dazai Happiness Week

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sanaxehsan · 5 years

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&&. word has it sana ehsan was just spotted around the city. she is a twenty nine year old with no direct affiliation. she has been said to be resolute & candid but also quite obdurate & irascible. she is currently serving as a personal assistant to marcus blackman.

tw: mentions of emotional abuse, miscarriage, and depression

UPBRINGING

The daughter of two Muslim Indian immigrants, Sana was four years old when she came to the US. Chasing the American dream in hopes of building a better life her father had already been in Jersey when he married her mother, working on putting down roots, and gaining citizenship before he was able to have his wife and daughter move over with him.

Though they made a home in the US, her parents never quite embraced America, or it’s culture. They kept themselves closed off from integration in the community they lived in, opting to only associate with other Indian muslims they either knew from back home or shared some kind of distant connection with.

The cultural barriers aside, they saw their religion as something that set them apart from others we well, never realizing that they have come to this country for the chance to gain acceptance, and to escape religious persecution. It wasn’t that they never experience bigotry, but the fact that they also experiences immense love and support from their neighbors but yet refused to embrace these positives that always bothered Sana.

It was because of this her life was always a struggle between who she was becoming, and who her parents wanted her to be. They failed to see that while they may not consider themselves to be American, she did. English was her first language, all her friends at school were people from different ethnic backgrounds, her diverse education meant she understood the fundamental need for acceptance.

As she grew older and really began to understand herself, she realized that she didn’t believe in their god, she simply didn’t believe in any god. She found the cultural norms her family followed to be oppressive, and at times suffocating yet there wasn’t anything she could do about it. Her family, and extended family, and family friends were so deeply entangled in her life that were she to say anything at all, just like that everyone she knew and cared for would distance themselves from her. She’d be ostracized, so really the only choice she has as a young adult was to keep on pretending.

No matter how much of herself she had to hide from those who were the closest to her, no matter how much doing so hurt her. She didn’t realize it at the time but she was spiraling into this endless pit of depression and anxiety.

EDUCATION

One thing her parents did value highly like most parents was the value of education. Her parents were not given the opportunities to be well educated and that’s why they brought their kids to America so that they would have those opportunities. So doing well was an expected, and school was after all her only reprieve so she put her all into it. Not caring that she came off as being headstrong, overly opinionated and ‘a know it all’. She enjoyed doing well, she enjoyed learning about the things she found interesting, and she reveled in positive feedback (perhaps because she got it so rarely at home). She was a natural leader in school, involved in extra curricular, academic related as well as track and field, she was the first person to raise her hand in class if she knew something, and also if she required clarification not letting anyones opinion of her get in the way of her learning.

As well as she did in school it wasn’t a surprise she was able to get a full ride to the college of her choice. However her choice did have to be within the approved radius of her parents choosing. NYU was a stretch for them, but after weeks of pleading, and bargaining they agreed but only after getting her to agree to allow them to start looking for marriage prospects for her. This was something she knew was coming and had been dreading but at the time she figured it was just a matter of saying yes to get to go to the school of her dreams.

ARRANGED MARRIAGE

Never had she thought saying yes would mean they’d find someone for her in less than a year of her starting college. He was a friend of a friends son, a computer software engineer doing well for himself, living in New York City. For her parents it was perfect match, it was a family they knew well, and a guy who was financially stable, not more than a decade older than her even just twenty seven while she was barely twenty. He and his family seemed open minded, and were willing to allow her to continue to pursue her degree even after marriage, how could it be anymore perfect?

And like every other thing she’s ever wanted in her life, the choice was out of her hands because it was a choice of choosing herself and her own happiness over her family. Not able to leave behind her family she reluctantly agreed after meeting the guy a couple of times. He seemed fine, there was no spark there but he seemed kind, and understanding she could definitely do worse she told herself.

Unfortunately what she failed to realized before agreeing to it all was a marriage among her community was not between a man and a woman but the two families, so very intimately involved in all their business. The plan had been to live with his parents for one year before finding their own place and building their own home, however a couple months in she could tell that was not happening.

Slowly everything became harder, she felt suffocated in her relationship and under the burden of responsibilities that had fallen on her shoulders all while she was desperately trying to keep up with college, already having had to take a three quarter sabbatical. Everyday was a struggle, wether that be with her husband, her mother in law, or her bratty sister in law. She was emotionally and soon physically becoming so strained that it showed on her face, something her MIL never failed to point out to her.

The worst thing to have happened at that point in her life was for her to become pregnant. And even worst for her husband under the instance of his mother to have tampered with her birth control (that his mother had never been happy she was taking). The pregnancy was they last straw for her however, she could not get an abortion or rather they would not let her. It was like she was trapped in a sick soap opera a cycle of abuse she had no way of escaping.

It really shouldn’t have been a surprise to anyone when she miscarried, from how stressed and unhealthy she’d become in this period, no joy in her at all from the child growing inside of her. Of course she was tormented endlessly for it, her MIL having succeeded in placing a permanent wedge in her marriage, and leaving her completely isolated in her own home.

DIVORCE

Slowly she mustered up the courage then to return to college after the two years that had been wasted, it was this act of reclaiming control of her life that eventually gave her courage to get out of that toxic marriage against the will of everyone in her life. They all wanted her to compromise, give it time, try harder, but she was done trying to suppress herself for the benefit of others.

She not only got her divorce but also dragged his ass to court, something no woman in her community had ever done. She get penance for her emotional trauma she suffered while in the marriage, the court ruling in her favor and ordering him to pay for the rest of her college expenses. This gave her some peace to focus her energy in earning a livable wage to support herself, she was not going to be returning to her parents home, or depending on anyone else for that matter. Soon everything was back on track she was living by herself in the city completing her bachelors and then going on start law school.

PLANS DERAILED ONCE AGAIN

Thing were finally going as planned, she was living her life on her terms deciding what kind of person she wanted to be, figuring out what she believed in and who she wanted in her life. College was a breeze for her considering academics had always been her forte. What she didn’t expect two years into law school was that her father would get a heart attack caused by her little sister getting pregnant out of wedlock.

Already a heart patient who’d suffer from two minor strokes prior to this incident his heart gave out when this happened. And she found herself picking up the pieces of a family that had caused her so much pain and set her on a path of misery. After fathers passing she not only assumed the responsibility of caring after her mother and two sisters, but also the financial burden he left behind.

ENTER MARCUS BLACKMAN

With all the financial burden she’d found herself in she knew that school would have to wait, what she needed first and foremost was a well paying job. This was when she came across an opening with the Italian Mafia Underboss (which she did not know at the time). The job was seemingly perfect, and the pay better was than other positions of the same title. Desperate she didn’t give it too much thought applying for the position, with some experience working as an office assistant and a receptionist through school, it was a huge surprise to her when she got the call back.

That was two years ago, and things have been fine ever since. Her pay check is well budgeted, she is able to keep her distance from her family and live her own private live simply providing them with the bank transfer they need at the start of each month, working some odd end jobs when the need arises but overall she has fallen into a good pace with her boss.

As long as she overlooks the bad boy persona he seems to enjoy putting on, and minding her own business. Her impeccable work ethic proving true, she’s gotten very good at her job leaving Marcus no room for complain. She keeps to herself, and doesn’t ask too many questions though even she is slowly getting closer to the truth of her bosses true dealings.

PUTTING UP HIGH WALLS

Given her struggles with herself and nearly every close relationship she’s ever had, Sana has now put up some very high walls around herself. Not allowing anything or anyone to penetrate them and bring her back to the place she worked to hard to escape from. She refused to feel that lost and helpless against another person ever again. While being guarded and protecting herself is something that’s keeping her safe, it’s also holding her back from truly enjoying the freedom she finally has, and keeping her closed off from anyone that might want to get close to her for the right reasons.

WANTED CONNECTIONS

A new reluctant friend

Someone interested in dating her

Strange Mafia encounters that are leading her closer to finding out the truth about who she’s working for

Literally anything, bring me all the plots!

#tdrintro #✧.*･ﾟ( ᴅᴇᴠᴇʟᴏᴘᴍᴇɴᴛ )

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calliecat93 · 3 years

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ST: TNG S5 Watchthrough Episodes 10-13

(Trigger Warning: The section covering the episode Violations will be discussing topics such as assault and r***. While I don’t talk in-depth about the subject, it is a part of the episode even if they use the Midn R*** trope and thus will be mentioned. If these topics make you uncomfotable or are triggering to you even int he slightist, then please skip that section of the watchthrough. Thank you.)

New Ground: Alexander and Worf’s adopted mother have returned. Sadly Worf’s adopted parents are just too old at this point to properly care for a young Klingon child, and thus Worf agrees to allow him to stay on the Enterprise. Unfortunately not only is Worf completely unsure how to go about parenting, but… well, children are not always perfect little angels. Alexander is… well, a difficult kid. Worf having no idea how to be a parent certainly doesn’t help either him or his son. He tries, but… well, he tries. It’s perfectly understandable at least to me, why Alexander is like he is. His mother, someone who likely didn’t force him to choose either his human or Klingon heritage, was horribly murdered. Then Alexander finds out who his father is… and he sends him to Earth to live with his parents, who were no doubt loving but just not capable of caring for Alexander. Then Alexander is sent back to the Enterprise and again has to adapt to a new way of life, and his father not only is incapable of caring for him and clearly wants to raise him as a Klingon but is busy with Security duties and is now gonna send him to a Klingon school. And likely Alexander got no proper help with coping with his mother’s death or the various life changes that happened in a relatively short amount of time. I’d probably be more concerned if he wasn’t acting at least a little bratty. I don’t doubt that Worf cares about his son and he is clearly trying. Sending Alexander to his parents and now a Klingon school is probably the best option since he knows that he’s not able to are for him, so he has him sent tot ose who can. But without those proper emotional needs handled, it would cause a variety of emotional problems for Alexander like abandonment, anger, and… well, him lying and getting into fights is pretty expected. I was expecting to not like this episode, but it was alright. Alexander acted how I would expect a kid to act due to those circumstances and he’s never demonized for it. Worf isn’t made outt o be a bad parent, but someone very much out of his element and just not suited for the job at the current time, but he does try and int he end allows Alexander to remain, willing to tr and be the father that Alexander needs. It’s those kind of nuanced stories regarding parenign I wish that we got more of instead of them automatically having to be abusive or incompetent. I guess we’ll see what happens next, but still good eisode. 3/5.

Hero Worship: We essentially have a mish-mash of S2’s Pen Pals (Data saving/befriending a young child) and S3’s The Bonding (said child dealing with enormous grief but hiding it). So a young boy named Timothy has lost everything, including his family, and has been brought onto the Enterprise. To deal with the grief and pain, he decides to emulate Data, who had been the one who’d rescued him. As Data ‘can’t feel things’ (I know, I know, just roll with it), he decides to shut out his emotions and act as though he can’t feel anything. It is kind of cute to see how much Timothy looks up to Data and him dressing similarly and trying to act the same way isn’t surprising to see from a young kid. Normally this kind of plot I’d deem too childish for something like Star Trek, you usually only see this in children’s shows or comedies, but given the circumstances, it makes more sense than it would otherwise. Now I've made it clear how I dislike the whole ‘Data is emotionless’ thing since it's been made pretty clear that despite not expressing it in the quote ‘normal’ way, he does. It’s one thing for Data to believe that he doesn’t, but it feels like the show can’t decide if he does or doens’t. But for the context of this episode, going with this angle does work. timothy, being a kid and having the misconception that Data can’t feel, decide to act the same way in response to coping with the trauma. But of course, Timothy isn’t an android. He can’t live as something that he isn’t. He’s suppressing his trauma. IDK if just letting him keep acting that way as he slowly begins to act more like a child was what most counselors would suggest, but hey it worked. I just feel so bad for the poor kid, he blamed himself for what was a horrible accident, and when the kid finally breaks down… no child should have to ever go through that. Apparently pairing Data with kid characters is just guaranteed to make something good cause his interactions with Timothy were just really sweet, especially when he talks about how he wished he could do things like being able to taste as humans can. As I said, we’ve crossed this ground already and it’s no better or worst than say how The Bonding handled the topic of grief, thought he certainly does it differently. Still, it’s a nice episode. 3/5.

Violations: So… as I mentioned in the Trigger Warning above (if you did not read it, please do so) this is an episode about r***. It’s the Mind R*** variety, but it’s pretty clear what they were intending, so… needless to say, I shall repeat what I said in the Trigger Warning; while I won’t be going too terribly in-depth, if you are uncomfortable with this topic, please skip this part of the watchthrough and go on ahead to The Masterpiece Society. Alright, so now let's discuss the episode. The Enterprise is hosting a group known as Ullians, who are strong telepaths. They are all creepy as heck. Troi gets mentally assaulted, and… well the images that she sees make it very clear what the intention is, and yes, even knowing that it wasn't real did nothing to make it any less uncomfortable. Troi is comatose and while the audience sees who did it, the Enterprise crew has to deduct who the culprit is among the Ullians. So… how did they handle the subject? Well, they sure as Hell handle it WAAAY better than TOS did. I love TOS but if you’ve seen the episode The Enemy Within, while I do like that episode the way that they handled what Evil Kirk did to Rand, the aftermath with them allowing her supposed attacker to get close/in her face (yeah the audience knows it’s Good Kirk but no one else did and even then they should have NEVER allowed that), and a horribly OOC/disgusting remark by Spock towards her at the end makes it utterly rage-inducing to look back at. In comparison, the subject is handled with more tact and they do nothing anywhere near that horrid. However, I want to compare the different visions between the victims. The ones who get attacked are Troi, who I already went over, Riker, and Crusher. While Troi’s goes exactly as you’d expect in an episode covering this topic, Riker’s and Crusher’s visions (crewmen dying and reliving her husband’s death respectively) are very much scary but not portrayed as an actual r*** scene. So… umm… writers WHY did it have to be portrayed as a r*** scene? If we didn’t need that for Riker or Crusher (aka the only other female character), why do that to Troi when there were plenty of other options? Just to hammer the intent in? Which they had to have her go through it three times?! No, we didn’t need that. Troi’s been sexualized a lot throughout the show or given just gross, inappropriate scenairos like the whole prgnancy thing in The Child and Dear God the woman does NOT deserve that. Again, nowhere near as bad as in TOS, but still. Though credit to them, Troi does regain counciousness and is able to fight back against the culrpit when he attacks her again the third time (the second time is a little more complicated) so at least they allowed her that much. It is certainly not the worst thong covering this subject material that I’ve ever seen, not even in this franchise. IDK if the warnings were necessary, but it never hurt to be too careful. The episode was fine, certainly creepy and one I can probably rewatch without getitng angry like with The Enemy Within. But I repeat, quit sexualizing Troi show. The woman deserves a Hell of a lot better. 3/5.

The Masterpiece Society: What is The Masterpiece Society, you may ask? They are a society of flawless, genetically engineered beings. They are engineered to serve specific functions and occupations, such as the scientist Hannah Bates being designed as… well, a scientist. They also terminate the flawed/disabled such as the blind… so needless to say Geordi’s not exactly fond of them. The Enterprise is there because, of course, the colony is about to be destroyed. So… it was okay. I didn’t find it good or bad. It’s kinda how I felt about Transfiguration in S3, I don’t really have any serious issues, I just don’t have a lot to say about it. The only thing I do want to talk about is the ending. So after the Enterprise has resolved the Issue of the Day, Bates fakes another incident to cause an evacuation. Why? Because after encountering The Enterprise, she wants to leave, but her leaving will cause issues due to her role. Nevertheless, she and those who want to leave are allowed… but Picard questions if this is best as it may cause societal collapse., the very thing that the Prime Directive is meant to prevent Ugh… what?! Okay yes, they’d clearly have some issues to work out, but they also saved the colony from getting destroyed. They were saving innocent lives. Certain death is MUCH worst than some societal reconstructing. Yes, problems and conflicts would arise, that shouldn’t be ignored… but the implication that saving their lives from a natural disaster was the worst? I don’t… why did they shove the Prime Directive in at the end like that? Their ‘interference was done only to save the society and those people should be allowed to make choices for themselves, their society shouldn’t dictate their life direction. The comparison is just ridiculous and I was very much on Bates’ side when she made her argument at the end. One scenario is recoverable, the other is not. Otherwise, it was fine. Again, not much else to say. 2.5/5.

So far S5 has been… fine. IDK, S4 was really good and maybe my expectations got raised too high due to it. I’m still enjoying it, but the quality has just been alright. It’s not bad, but doesn’t quite have that oomph from last season or even S3. But we still have half the season to go, so still plenty more to go through.

#st watchthrough

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the-bounce-back · 4 years

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26 LIFE LESSONS LEARNT IN 26 YEARS

So… ya girl turned 26 back in May. I had originally planned to post this the day after my birthday for maximum dramatics and symbolism, but here we are.

Yes, I am painfully aware that my birthday was over 4 months ago now, and yes, I have already been dragged to the moon and back by both myself and my friends for not finishing the post on time (it’s been chilling in my drafts since, like, late April)… so face your front and mind your business.

All jokes aside, these past months have been insanely chaotic for us all on both a personal level and global scale. Everyone and everything seems to have gone mad. A whole pandemic… having to literally fight for equal rights and justice in 2020... having to watch world leaders single-handedly destroy the countries that they themselves campaigned to govern... and on top of that, being forced to stay indoors and not being able to do whatever you want?! Sh*t, I’m even surprised that myself or anyone I know hasn’t been sectioned yet. This whole year needs to be put in rice, immediately.

I can’t lie, watching everything unfold these past few months - while struggling to come up with ways to entertain myself because of the constant negative news and energy drifting round and stifling my creativity - has had a massive toll on my mental health. Although my coping skills have become a lot better over the years, how in the hell was I (or any of us) meant to prepare for a year of constant chaos, death and revolt? No one could’ve seen it coming, and that’s why these circumstances have made me feel like my mental health has been dropkicked in the throat. We’re not built to be cooped up at home for so long, and we’re definitely not built to have to consume heartbreaking and traumatising media on a daily basis. No wonder so many people have been feeling like they’ve lost the plot.

On top of that, I’ve also been dealing with a lot of other things - because when it rains, it pours. Not being able to distract myself by doing fun stuff because of Corona has somehow given my subconscious the confidence to go absolutely apesh*t. This, in the sense that a lot of past situations I’ve forced myself to suppress over the years to be able to just function like a normal(ish) human being have managed to claw their way to the surface and demand my attention like a bunch of spoilt and crying toddlers. To put it in the least dramatic way possible, these feelings and memories have been killing my ~*vibe*~... like, a lot. Ya girl’s been going through it. It’s been particularly hard because I promised myself at the beginning of the year to work harder on not obsessing so much over past situations that I have no control over, but due to the circumstances I’ve forced myself to give myself a break and take each thought as it comes.

Yes, this is all very depressing - but despite everything, there have also been a lot of silver linings of this lockdown. Besides day drinking, chick flick marathons and chatting sh*t on facetime 24/7, having all this time to focus on my mental and spiritual health has definitely taught me a lot about myself. I genuinely feel positive and like this time of my life is needed to be able to grow and evolve when I’m not in that negative state of mind. These experiences coming back to the surface and demanding to be felt and dealt with may be hella exhausting, but I’ve definitely done this enough now to know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and that one day I’ll be able to fully make sense of it and fully heal. And when I finally have gotten to that stage, I will definitely write a few posts about it - because no one should feel like they have to deal with this level of headf*ckery alone.

Anyways, there you have it - another long-ass excuse for my lack of productivity. But hey, at least it’s valid.

Enough with all the dark sh*t - we have more than enough time to revisit that and other fun stuff in another post, don’t worry! Instead, let’s pretend that it’s still the day after my birthday, that I am editing this with a hangover while stuffing my face with leftover cake, that I am indeed capable of keeping personal deadlines and that I haven’t been AWOL for over a quarter of a year. Keep on reading for 26 big and small life lessons I’ve learnt along the way in this dunya, in no particular order. It’s going to be a very long one (tip: scroll and find the ones that resonate the most with you), so get cozy, put the kettle on and get some snacks or whatever.

1. You are still young - do not compare your journey to other’s.

Okay, so I’m definitely projecting with this one. When I turned 25 last year I had a bit (a lot) of a minor (major) existential crisis because I was very far from where I had always expected to be at 25 years old. Career-wise, fitness-wise, finance-wise and relationship-wise I just felt like a massive failure, and like from that moment on life would just go downhill. I made the mistake of comparing myself to my agemates and people younger than me, and seeing other people’s success when my own life was a mess didn’t exactly make it better.

For this year - despite me now being on the wRoNg side of 25 - I feel very calm and even happy about getting older, simply because I realised that my time will come and that everyone's journey is different. For this reason, comparing your progress to other’s doesn’t even make sense and just puts a load of unnecessary pressure on yourself. Be patient - all the work you’re putting in now will pay off soon.

2. Take time to reconnect with your ~*inner child*~.

I know, I know - it all sounds awfully hippy-dippy, but hear me out. In short, your inner child refers to the subpersonality that still feels, thinks and reacts as you did when you were younger, and reconnecting with that childlike aspect of yourself can be beneficial to your mental wellbeing and psyche for many different reasons.

The main reasons I have focused on reconnecting with my inner child in the past couple of years have been for a) learning how to tap into that creative, free and spontaneous nature I had as a kid before life got in the way; b) to heal wounds that occurred in my childhood that are still holding me back, and c) to reparent my inner child by unlearning toxic mindsets and behaviours that have had a negative impact on my life.

In terms of creativity, I remembered how much I used to love drawing and writing as a child, and returning to these passions as an adult has had such a massively positive impact on my mental health in ways that I can’t even begin to describe. Doing activities you used to love as a kid should really be considered acts of self-care, because the childlike joy and excitement that comes from it? Absolutely bladdy priceless.

Then there’s the dark and mildly traumatising side of reconnecting with your inner child. Revisiting and analysing what can be very emotionally painful memories is never going to be a delightful task - but trust me when I say that you have to push through it, regardless of how long it takes. There aren’t any shortcuts or detours involved when trying to heal a wounded inner child, so make sure that you are patient with yourself and take the time you need to heal.

All in all - regardless of if you’re trying to get your creativity flowing, trying to enjoy life more in general or trying to unpack almost a couple decades worth of trauma (my personal favourite!), setting aside some time to really reflect and remember your thoughts and feelings from way back then really does help make sense of your thoughts and feelings as an adult. I’ll even bet money that every single insecurity and doubt you may have about yourself can be traced back to something that happened during your childhood - which is why reconnecting with yourself at that age is imperative if you want to truly heal.

3. Be confident about your creative projects.

One of the biggest lessons I’ve learnt in life so far is definitely understanding the fine line between confidence and arrogance. I can only really speak for myself - although I know that a lot of women can relate - but I was raised to be humble about a lot of my accomplishments. It got to the point where even the slightest self-acknowledgement of my talents made me feel like I was being arrogant, attention seeking and braggy, so for a long time I kept a lot of W’s and my pride in my work to myself. However, this is one of the aforementioned toxic mindsets that I’m currently working on unlearning - because if I don’t hype up myself and my talents, who will?

After speaking to friends about similar topics I get the impression that this reluctance to hype up our own creativity goes - in many cases - way back to a time during which we might not have had our creativity appreciated and validated as children. For me, this makes a lot of sense because I was extremely creative and had a very vivid imagination as a child, but I think somewhere along the way it got stifled by the pressure of making certain family members (who thought anything remotely right-brain stimulating was a waste of time) proud.

Anyways, it doesn’t matter anymore. Now that I’ve realised that my creative vision is a blessing, and that being confident in the quality of my work has nothing to do with being arrogant, you best believe that I will self-validate every single project I complete, and I hope you will do the same.

4. Love and take care of your body.

I mean this from both a body-image and health point of view. I spent way too many years of my life hating my body and hating looking different to literally everyone around me, and I’d be lying if I said that realising how damaging this self-hatred was doesn’t get me in my feelings from time to time. However, I have been able to get out of this mindset - for the most part - and can now appreciate that my body is beautiful, and that the perfect body I was always striving towards doesn’t even exist.

With that being said, it is important to remember that loving your body goes beyond self-acceptance... It also entails taking care of it through exercise and healthy eating.

I know, it sucks. I don’t make the rules.

I’ve definitely been struggling with being healthy during my 20s - partially due to my sweet tooth and partially due to comfort eating and other unhealthy coping methods when my mental health was at its worst. As expected, my initial reaction to the weight gain was piling even more self-hate and pressure onto myself, when I really should have been kinder and more understanding to myself during that time. I should have used exercise and healthy eating as a coping mechanism to get better, instead of forcing myself to lose weight in a harmful manner due to feelings of disgust for my body.

CoUlD’Ve, WoUlD’Ve, ShOuLd’Ve… Sigh. Hindsight really is 20/20. What’s important is that it’s never too late to start the self-love journey, and that your body is beautiful regardless of the form it currently happens to be in.

5. Know how to communicate effectively.

That is, with people who are genuinely worth your time and energy. No matter how good of a person you are, there will always be people that seem to be entirely committed to misunderstanding you, twisting your words and trying to make you out to be a bad person. Hell, you might even be that person in someone else’s life... whether you realise it or not (I reckon I probably am). Trying to communicate with someone that has no desire or intention of getting to a level of understanding with you is literally the most frustrating and draining task ever - which is why I no longer do it if I don’t have to. There’s literally no point, and I’m just exerting energy over someone that is probably enjoying the conflict - so why bother?

With that being said, learning how to respectfully disagree, give constructive criticism, set boundaries, resolve conflict, listen to and g-check the people that you do genuinely want in your life becomes more and more important with age. I’m definitely guilty of leaving things unsaid or unresolved in the past - due to fear of offending/losing friends that meant a lot to me at the time - but we’re aDuLtS now, guys. If we can’t talk without constantly having to sugarcoat things, are we even really friends?

The answer is definitely a resounding ‘no’ from me, and since adopting this mindset - along with knowing when to distance myself from people that are literal energy vampires - my life has been a lot more peaceful. 11/10, would recommend.

6. Eliminate fear of failure.

Obviously, no one wants to fail at anything. But I’ve genuinely found that my biggest L’s in life have been the most character building and taught me the biggest life lessons. Although it might be hard to see how the situation is making you evolve when you’re neck deep in the sh*t, once you get into the mindset that failing is a learning opportunity, you’ll see that your ego won’t be as wounded when things don’t work out the way you wanted them to.

Again, I can only speak for myself, but I feel like many of us with immense fears of failing at something were probably raised in environments in which failure was not an option and often followed by some kind of negative reaction (e.g. undermining of intelligence, disappointment, verbal abuse etc). I think that constantly associating failure with this kind of shame has made us terrified of making perfectly human mistakes. Mistakes that we wouldn’t pay any mind to if someone else were making, but that we beat ourselves up over - just because it’s us.

Or maybe that’s just me. I don’t know, man. Regardless, teaching myself that failure and making mistakes is okay and part of the process has made me feel a lot more secure in myself and my capabilities - simply because I now know that there aren’t any mistakes that are unfixable and it’s never that deep. At the end of the day, as long as I know in my soul that I’ve done my best, there’s really no need for negative self-talk.

7. Pick your battles.

I.e. don’t sweat the small stuff. It’s so wild to me that a couple short years ago I would let every minor inconvenience, disagreement and disappointment caused by others really get to me and ruin my day. Nowadays I have gotten so good at simply removing myself from situations and people that just bring negativity into my life, because honestly? The stress isn’t worth it. Life is so much more peaceful when you refuse to give energy to negativity and toxic/inconsistent people, and once I got past the feelings of guilt for not being so available to everyone it really became one of the best choices I ever made.

8. Be kind.

This one is a cliche and a no-brainer, but still very imperative. Remembering that literally everyone has their own sh*t going on - regardless of if they speak on it or not - is extremely important, especially in terms of us interacting with each other. Being kind, sensitive and respectful to others literally costs nothing, and positive energy has a tendency to be contagious.

Obviously (for me at least), this becomes a slightly different story when the person involved constantly allows whatever they are going through to affect the way they interact with you. Things like lashing out, self-isolation and self-destructive behaviours are all tell-tale signs that the issue isn’t with you and that you shouldn’t take it personally, but of course everyone has limits to how much they can empathise with these kind of behaviours. As someone that has been on both the receiving and giving end of this kind of behaviour, I’ve found that the best approach for me is to still be kind, but to love and support them from afar - simply because I know that I have a tendency to take things to heart when I’m not even the issue. The bottom line is to try your best to be kind and understanding, but also to know when to distance yourself from toxic behaviours that can end up taking a toll on you.

9. Process your feelings.

I definitely get it. Sometimes life throws sh*t at us that is a lot easier to just push to the back of our minds so we can stay focused on what we have going on at the time. But believe me when I say that whatever feelings you squash, ignore and push past now will come back to haunt you in the future.

Okay, so this sounds very dramatic and ominous. Your feelings aren’t going to take physical form and beat you up… however, it might feel like this is what is happening. Obviously this differs from person to person, but I’ve found that when I don’t allow myself time to process my feelings as soon as possible after they’ve been triggered, there is a risk of me being re-triggered and snapping again at a later stage - albeit at something wildly unrelated and minor. In other words, small small issues that pile up on top of negative feelings end up becoming the straw that breaks the camel’s back, the drop that spilled the glass, and whatever other corny and related sayings you can think of.

What I’m trying to say is that carrying around the weight of unresolved negative feelings takes a toll on you, no matter how resilient and ~*zen*~ you are. I have no doubt in my mind that carrying past negative feelings, trauma and pain for days, weeks, months and even years has detrimental effects on both your mental and physical health. There is a lot of research to explain this further, and I have also seen these effects on family members, friends and myself when times have been tougher than usual.

With that being said, it might sound like you’re screwed if you’ve gotten to this age and not learnt how to fully feel your feelings. I’ve been feeling that way for about five years now, I reckon. However, it’s never too late to strive for good mental health and to deal with unresolved feelings/trauma - once you get past the fear of being triggered by the bad memories, you soon realise that that’s all they are; they can’t hurt you if you don’t let them.

10. Be ‘selfish’.

So, we’re at that age now where - traditionally speaking - we’re sUpPoSeD to be looking to settle down. Get married, have kids, get a mortgage, be on a set career path… all of that adult stuff that always used to seem so far away, but is now heavily breathing down our necks and killing our vibes. It’s upsetting me and my homegirls, to be honest.

All jokes aside, there is nothing wrong with wanting these things for yourself at this age. However, my point is that millennials/Gen Z (especially women) are put under insane amounts of pressure in their twenties to have all their sh*t together - either by family or just society in general. Meanwhile, many of us are so riddled with anxiety, insecurities, unresolved trauma and lacking a sense of self due to constantly trying to please others and to not be a disappointment to the older generation that we don’t even know which way is up anymore. This is where selfishness comes in.

No, being selfish doesn’t mean to be an inconsiderate d*ck to everyone around you in this context - sorry to disappoint. I mean that it’s important that we take the time to slow down, not be so hard on ourselves and to focus on finding our own path, purpose, dream career etc on our own terms - not to please someone else. Now is the time to unpack your traumas, ~*find yourself*~, and unlearn any destructive mindsets and behaviours you’ve picked up during your childhood and teenage years. Now is the time to learn how to love and accept yourself fully. The way I see it, if you don’t make time for this, a happy, lifelong marriage and strong, healthy relationships with children you bring into the world (if that’s what you want) are a myth - simply because healthy relationships require inner peace. Even if you don’t see yourself going down the ‘traditional life plan’ route, this is still extremely important.

Times are changing; there is nothing wrong with doing certain things later in life if you’re not emotionally, mentally, physically or financially ready to deal with it… no matter what your parents/judgemental aunties/condescending uncles might try to tell you.

11. Take people at face value - not for their potential.

If I got a pound for every single time I’ve told myself this over the years, blatantly ignored it and then ended up getting hurt, I would’ve spent this entire lockdown at an all-inclusive luxury resort on a beach somewhere hot, instead of struggling in a germ-infested London. Honestly. I try not to get mad at myself for this, but it’s very hard not to because it ends up being a cycle that infinitely repeats itself in all my relationships (platonic, non-platonic and family) - leaving me feeling like Boo Boo the Fool for not listening to my intuition.

In my defense, I get myself into these situations because despite coming across as a sarcastic and heartless piece of sh*t sometimes, I genuinely do try to see the best in people and give them a chance to prove themselves as a good and positive influence in my life. This in itself isn’t the problem. The problem is that once I see even a molecule of potential in someone, I very easily latch on to that potential and become Stevie Wonder to the million red flags that pop up over time… and I don’t even realise how disrespected I’ve been until further down the line or long after the situation is over. I reckon that this insistence on riding for people that end up doing me dirty stems from knowing what it feels like to be given up on, or dismissed before even getting to prove myself. It’s a really, really sh*tty feeling, and I think I’m just wired to not want anyone to feel that way because of me.

In other words, my niceness and understanding/accommodating/empathetic qualities might be some of the best things about me - but they really invite sh*tty people to take advantage of me.

The bottom line is that despite wanting to push people to be their best selves, there really isn’t much you can do unless they want your help. Unfortunately, a lot of people would rather fake a desire to improve themselves instead of just saying that they don’t want help - simply because they enjoy the attention and the energy that they end up leaching from you while you’re worrying about them and their (non-existent) ambitions.It’s literally only recently that I’ve kind of figured out how to combat this, and now I see right through these type of people, and can cut them off with ease. Again - it’s all about protecting your energy, and making sure you only give it to people that are genuinely trying to improve and elevate themselves. You are not a charity - stop allowing useless somebodies to deplete your life force just because their own is clearly not enough to keep them motivated.

12. Be self-aware in a healthy and constructive way.

As you’ve probably gathered from reading this, I am insanely self-aware. I honestly don’t think there is a single negative thing someone could say about me or my character that I am not already trying to work on, or at the very least am aware of. Of course, being so in tune with myself for most of my life used to make me overanalyse everything I said and did - sometimes years after it happened - and I’d be so harsh, mean and critical towards myself for things that weren’t even that deep when I look back on them.

I’m not going to lie, I don’t think there’s a ‘cure’ for overanalysing and overthinking everything. Once you’re aware, it’s very hard to just stop - believe me, I’ve tried. But what I’ve tried my best to do instead is to flip my overthinking into something positive. By this, I mean that when I’m up at 4am and start to deep my whole life and everything I should’ve done differently, I try to focus on what I’ve learnt and how much I’ve grown from the situation, and how much of a better person going through that situation has made me. This is definitely something I’m still working on, since negative thought patterns that have been imposed on you from a young age are very hard to break. But what’s important is that I try, and it has definitely helped me be kinder to myself.

13. Don’t let feelings distract you from your goals.

More projection for ya headtops. Tantalising humans really just pop up out of nowhere when you least expect it sometimes, and when the connection is there it can become dangerously easy to get carried away and lose focus on your own goals. I’ve been very vocal about my opinion about how healthy relationships are meant to elevate and inspire you as opposed to stressing you out and holding you back, so this isn’t exactly anything new to those who have read my blog for a while.

With that being said… I get it. Meeting someone new is hella exciting - of course you want to make an effort and see how things go. It’s easy for me to come on here and say that you should make sure that you don’t go catching feelings for someone that wouldn’t want you to continue shining and flourishing in your lane while with them, but we all know that a) we can’t help who we fall for, and b) me saying so would make me the hypocrite of the millennium. I’m not sure how or why I manage to attract (and get attracted to) people that I later on down the line realise do more harm to my goals than good… but at least I’ve learnt a lot from those situations, and I’m a lot more picky about who I deem deserving of my time now.

14. Always make time for #self-care.

There’s not much to explain here besides reminding you that the world and everyone in it is mad, so taking time to yourself and doing something you know will make you feel better during a hard time (or even a simple time, let’s be real) is crucial in this life.

Get the takeaway. Buy the shoes. Do a cheeky face mask. Have your 3rd bubble bath of the week.

Life really is too short and too crazy to deny yourself the little pleasures, so do it and do it without any feelings of guilt. If you’re anything like me, I’m confident you’ll think of a reason for why you deserve it - no matter how ridiculous it may be.

15. Get comfortable with being alone with your thoughts.

Okay, so I feel like I’ve discussed this topic to death, so I won’t delve too deep into it here. Instead, I’ll just reiterate that learning how to just sit alone with your thoughts and feelings from time to time - especially at this age - is imperative for your mental health.

As important as it is to have genuine and supportive friends that you can open up to about your mental, it’s important to remember that there are always abstract thoughts and feelings lurking beneath the surface, that you couldn’t even put into words even if you tried. Regardless of if it’s unresolved feelings, suppressed traumas or an uneasy gut feeling/your intuition, some things just can’t be explained until you’ve been able to figure out where these thoughts are stemming from - and I firmly believe that this “detective work” needs to be done alone to be able to get to the root cause of the thought/feeling.

It goes without saying that delving deep into yourself to try to figure out what these thoughts/feelings mean can be a very intimidating and triggering task - so I fully understand why a lot of people struggle with facing this alone. To clarify, I am not saying that you shouldn’t turn to friends for support if you need it - I am saying that as great as your friends may be, they can’t read your mind and will never be able to do so. Only you can know for sure exactly what you’re thinking and feeling, and taking time alone to allow yourself to become in tune with your mind and understand yourself on a deeper level is the first step towards being able to put your feelings into words - and to be able to communicate them to others.

16. Don’t let fear of judgement stop you from doing whatever the hell you want.

This has been a major one for me the past couple of years. As I’m sure you know, regardless of what you do, say, wear or look, there will always be people - sometimes even complete strangers - who will have something snide to say in an attempt to discourage you from trying to do your thing. I’ve mentioned in previous posts how many hairstyle, outfit, blog and creative ideas that I’ve scrapped because of fear of being judged, and I try not to get annoyed with myself for caring so much - because it’s not my fault. I’m sure many of you will relate to being raised in an environment in which you were almost forced to conform to whatever was seen as a rEsPeCtAbLe lifestyle. If you didn’t, you’d be deemed a disruption to the status quo by others… which we were conditioned to believe was a terrible crime. Shock horror.

I’m here to tell you to not give a f*ck about their opinion - because who in the blue hell are they?

After being very concerned about what others think of me for most of my life, finally realising that judgement from others usually stems from their own insecurities, bitterness, jealousy or an otherwise tragic and unfulfilled existence came as a massive breath of fresh air. I even feel sorry for people that feel the need to insert their sh*tty little opinions into things I do, because I don’t even think they realise that it’s falling on deaf ears and blind eyes now. I’ve literally become Helen Keller to the nonsense now, because I don’t have time. And they’re wasting their energy. Poor things. I hope they get some rest soon.

With that being said, it does take time to get to a point of not being phased by judgement. A lot of time - for me, I’d say it’s been a couple of years. I still have a long way to go in regards to not being phased by judgement coming from people whose opinions I still care about too much (i.e. family members and other people I look up to), but the key for me was definitely baby steps.

17. Learn how to forgive.

As appealing as holding on to everlasting hatred towards someone that did you dirty sounds, trust me when I say that the best thing you can do for yourself in this kind of situation is to forgive them - or at the very least try. Carrying anger, hate and resentment in your heart is extremely emotionally draining, and let’s face it… the person in question is most likely sleeping soundly at night, at peace, snoring, drooling and having happy dreams about living rent-free in your head after all this time.

The thing about forgiveness, I’ve learnt, is that it doesn’t have to mean that suddenly everything is okay again, or that what they did somehow became erased overnight. Absolutely not. Instead, forgiveness has become a tool to give myself closure over a situation, letting myself accept that what happened happened and to reclaim my sanity after being angry about it for a long time. It’s for me and my mental health - not for the person that hurt me.

Additionally, it is important to remember that forgiving someone doesn’t necessarily have to mean that you are now obliged to continue being nice and cordial with the person. If you’re on that level of maturity, honestly… you deserve all the accolades, because I don’t think I could ever do it. For me, most of the time the person in question won’t even know that they’ve been forgiven - and I like it that way. I just wish them the best from afar and keep it pushing once I’ve healed from the situation. Regardless of the choices you make in relation to your own situations, just make sure that you’re doing it for yourself and not out of consideration for the other person.

18. Understand that your ~*purpose(s)*~ may take time to become clear.

Bare in mind, this is coming from someone that still has no idea what the f*ck she wants to do with her life. Honestly, every year around my birthday I try to figure out why I’m even on this planet - and every year I think I have the answer before life comes and humbles me again.

While I’m not particularly interested in getting into existential questions regarding if life even has a purpose, I will say this - just keep doing your thing. Stay in tune with your emotional, spiritual and mental health so you can determine whether or not you feel you’re on the correct path for you. If you’re anything like me, you will feel in your heart when you’re not where you’re meant to be, regardless of if it’s a job, a new activity you’re trying out or even a relationship. If your gut feeling is telling you that something isn’t for you - don’t ignore it. Eventually you should get a fair gist of where you should be going and what you should be doing - even if the actual purpose in itself doesn’t become apparent until much later.

Or at least, this is what my theory is. As I said, I have no clue. But this is what I’m doing and it’s definitely been working.

19. Don’t feel forced to have a detailed life plan.

Don’t get me wrong here - having goals, plans and aspirations is extremely important. However, having your whole life planned to the minute just isn’t realistic. I have written about how I used to be extremely adamant on being in control of every single situation, and would have a minor (major) breakdown whenever plans changed in a way that I couldn’t affect.

Having a nervy b everytime something doesn’t work out in your favour is obviously a very counterproductive (and hella childish) coping mechanism - if you can even call it that. Nowadays, I just try to stay as open minded and flexible as possible whenever life feels like throwing me one of its cute little curveballs, so I can try my best to adapt to the situation and keep moving forward, as opposed to throwing all my toys out of the pram like a spoilt brat whenever a minor obstacle to my plans presents itself.

What’s more is that having a rigid life plan with hard deadlines for when you should’ve accomplished certain things leads to - in my experience - another unnecessary reason to start criticising yourself, which we at this point know is a waste of time, energy and just bad vibes in general.

Just relax. Honestly. You’re doing great, regardless of if you’re exactly where you want to be or not.

20. Put yourself first. Always.

I’ve touched on this multiple times in this post already, but I definitely feel like it deserves its own point. I also want to direct this specifically to women - although some of the gems of wisdom I’m about to drop can be applied to men too, I assume. I don’t really care if they don’t though, to be honest - everything else in this world is already for them, so I’m sure reading something that isn’t won’t kill them.

Sis. I know you are exhausted from being strong all the time - yet here you are, still standing and still fighting. For what it’s worth, know that whoever and wherever you are - I am extremely proud of you for constantly picking yourself up and dusting yourself off every time you are mistreated, disrespected and/or taken for granted.

But it shouldn’t be like that.

You may have been taught early in life to always put your own health, happiness, dreams and wellbeing to the side when needed to accommodate and support others - because that’s what women are mEaNt To Do. But this is so inherently f*cked up, wrong and unfair - it genuinely pisses me off whenever I think about it because it literally makes zero sense to me. It reinforces the notion that we only exist to serve, protect, help and satisfy others needs - whether it be in a family setting, at work or in relationships… almost as if we aren’t human beings with feelings.

Yeah… f*ck that. Call it tough love, but I really need you to grow a back bone right now. Too many times have I personally felt/heard about us feeling the need to bend over backwards for people that do nothing to help or protect us from the pains that life can bring, so clearly you need to be there for your own damn self. Think about it - that ex/potential/fwb/mcm that you’ve spent so many sleepless nights obsessing, crying and worrying about, and that you tried so hard to keep satisfied to the point of mental, emotional and physical exhaustion - where are they now? Living rent free in your head and almost definitely not thinking about you.

Yes, I am a little heated. Yes, I am projecting. And yes, if I ever catch you placing a mans needs and feelings over your own, you will catch these hands because clearly you haven’t been listening.

All jokes aside and as cheesy as it sounds - you are a queen, and I need you to step into your power right now. I want so much better for you, and you can’t get better until you fix your priorities. Your focus should always be on protecting your heart and mental/spiritual health - regardless of the situation you find yourself in. It is 100% possible to nurture and care for others without giving up your sense of self and power, so please, please, please find a balance that empowers and benefits you, and you alone.

21. Learn how to practice detachment.

I have plans to write a post about this in depth in the near future, so I won’t delve too deep into it here. In short, detachment refers to the practice of severing ties to people, feelings and memories that may have meant a lot to you for a long time and had a major impact on your life, but that you now realise are toxic and are holding you back from moving forward and growing as a person. Essentially, it is all about forgiving, forgetting, letting go and moving on from whatever hurt that may still be lingering long after the situation is over - and never bringing it up again.

Sounds great right?

Wrong. Detachment f*cking sucks - but it is extremely important. As I’ve mentioned earlier, I naturally hate giving up on people and I tend to obsessively reflect on past situations. I try to convince myself that all this reflecting and overthinking is helping me heal - which it has, to a certain degree - but the honest truth is that it takes up a lot of time in the present. It’s emotionally exhausting and time consuming. Detachment, on the other hand, basically forces you to not even acknowledge the past pain and hurt someone has caused you, and placing all your focus on the present and the future… so this is naturally a very hard task for me.

With that being said, it’s pretty obvious that it’s not going to be easy for anybody. Reaching a level of emotional maturity in which you can completely disregard the pain someone that meant a lot to you has caused you really sounded impossible to me at first - especially mixed with the complicated feeling of not wanting to “abandon” the person that hurt you. But I’ve been working on this very hard during the lockdown, and I can confirm that after doing it for a while you begin to realise that the situation's power over you is entirely determined by the importance you attach to it. Once you learn how to remove that importance and your emotions from the equation, you’re one step closer to being able to truly move on.

Anyways. Stay tuned for a post about this because there is a lot to unpack.

22. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.

This is another one I struggle with a lot, because who wants to feel like a weak-ass b*tch who can’t manage on her own? Not I, said the cat.

All jokes aside, I think many of us can relate to not wanting to bUrDeN our friends and family with our struggles and problems, simply because we’re now at an age where everyone has their own lives to tend to and figure out. No one wants to feel like they’re being annoying, or feel stupid and paranoid about being judged because they can’t figure their own sh*t out (more projection for ya!).

I’ve really been working hard to get rid of the notion that asking for help has anything to do with intelligence or capability, but it’s very difficult to do so when you’ve been raised in an environment where admitting that you can’t manage to do something alone was often equated with not trying hard enough, or not being smart enough. Asking for help was seen as a weakness and a last resort, and I’d often feel ashamed to admit that I was struggling with something.

The funny thing is that while I apply all these rules about not burdening/disturbing people with my problems to myself, I’d literally drop everything in a nanosecond to help a friend out if I could. I’ve noticed this a lot with my friends, too - we’re reluctant to ask for help, but always there for each other if needed. This if anything proves that the fear of being judged/annoying is all in our heads, and that we should be kind enough to ourselves to allow ourselves to be helped from time to time. Yes, everyone wants to be that superwoman/man that has all their sh*t together - but the reality is that we are all human, and life can be very brutal at times. Surrounding yourself with people that care about you and want to see you win is key - and although allowing yourself to lean on someone else from time to time might take a little (a lot) of pride-swallowing, I promise that you will feel better once you’ve shared the load of your problems.

23. Don’t let past experiences poison current friendships.

This is quite possibly the biggest challenge for me right now, and I’m literally only just beginning to get better at this. I’ve mentioned multiple times that my overly empathetic and accommodating personality has attracted a lot of sh*tty “friends” over the years, and for the longest time I blamed myself and thought there was something wrong with me for constantly allowing people to treat me so poorly. As a result of this, I developed hella trust and abandonment issues.

I genuinely didn’t even realise how much these experiences had f*cked me up until I started taking my mental health seriously, and realised how much I had closed myself off emotionally to protect myself. I also realised that I - very unfairly - projected my trust issues onto people in my life that have done nothing but be kind and caring towards me, simply because I allowed myself to be so blinded by the past and assumed that they would do me the same way. I’m honestly just grateful that my closest friends could see through the front I put up and didn’t give up on me, because whew… they really didn’t need to.

The point I’m trying to make is that while it’s very natural to be afraid of being hurt, betrayed and disappointed again, you can’t live your life thinking that everyone is against you - simply because it isn’t true. Yes, it’s very hard to rebuild your trust and confidence in people again... but going through life being paranoid that everyone is against you is just setting yourself up for loneliness and bitterness, and we don’t want that. Again, what’s worked best for me here is working on detachment from the past, and learning to not feed into the feelings of paranoia that arise from time to time. It will take time, but you definitely owe it to yourself to allow good people into your life properly.

24. Step out of your comfort zone more often and just have fun.

Let me be very clear and say that I’m not encouraging anyone to jump out of an airplane - although that would definitely be a massive step outside of anyone's comfort zone. But what’s life without a little thrill?

Regardless of if it’s as extreme as launching yourself off a cliff and placing all your trust in a flimsy elastic band, or as simple as just trying a new activity or restaurant, life becomes so much richer and more fun when you do something you wouldn’t normally do. It genuinely nourishes and stimulates your right brain - which for me is a much welcomed break from life having to be so f*cking serious all the time.

It also boosts your confidence to try even more new things, and that’s when life starts to get a bit more interesting. Live it up, b*tch!

25. Make happiness your priority.

Right, so I appreciate that not everyone will agree with this - and that’s okay. You’re entitled to your wrong opinion. I’ve been very open about the mental health struggles I’ve had since my teens, and about the various unhealthy coping methods I’ve tried to deal with it. However, I’ve found that the best way of coping is very simple:

Just do what makes you happy.

Honestly, it’s that easy. A lot of people - myself in the past included - feel a lot of pressure to give their life meaning and purpose by using something outside of themselves to define them as a person. When I was younger that thing was sports, and after uni I thought I’d find happiness from pursuing the career I thought that I wanted. However, I realised a couple years ago that attaching the concept of happiness to an external factor will constantly just make you feel like it’s just beyond your reach - and when you finally reach the goal that you swore would make your life happy and fulfilled, you’re just left with an underwhelming feeling of “...is this it? Surely there must be more to life than this?”

For this reason, I wholeheartedly believe that true happiness stems from inner peace, accepting the past and simply just pursuing things in life that sits right with your mental health and spirit. Building happiness from within sets you up to be confident that you will be fine no matter what life throws at you, and will make you truly unf*ckwithable.

With that being said, I fully understand how it can be easy to equate our obsession with reaching career/life/relationship/fitness/etc goals to happiness, but let’s say for argument's sake that you do reach every single of your goals that you think will bring you joy. When the pride and elation of accomplishing these goals wears off, are you genuinely happy? Or do you realise that your inner battles are still there, and that the part of your brain that was so focused on accomplishing this goal now just feels… empty and idle?

Okay, so that got a little depressing - but these are questions that I highly recommend you ask yourself. Chances are that you realise that while having goals and ambitions are important, they’re all air if you’re not genuinely happy on the inside.

If there was a one-size-fits-all path to happiness, I would share it here. But unfortunately, the path to happiness is highly personal - only you can determine what will bring you inner peace and alignment. Personally, I started with reconnecting with my childhood self to remind myself what made me feel happy before life started getting serious, and went from there - maybe that could work for you, too.

26. Understand that everything will fall into place at the time it’s meant to.

I put this one at the end because I feel that it summarises all points very nice-like. It’s extremely easy to get caught up in how you think life is supposed to be like at this age, and even easier to fall into a depressed state when you deep how far away from this ideal you might be. As someone that has had the importance of an established career, rigid life goals and living up to others’ expectations rammed down my throat at a young age, I’ve always had this unsettling feeling that I’m running out of time to accomplish what I need to accomplish in this life - and I’m only 26.

What’s helped me a lot with this unsettling feeling is taking time to ground myself, take a deep breath and reflect on how far I’ve come, as opposed to how far I still have to go. I also force myself to remember that as long as I’m constantly in tune with myself and gently pushing myself to evolve and mature, I’m already winning.

You will find happiness. You will find love. You will reach every single goal that you’ve set for yourself. You will overcome whatever internal battle you’re currently fighting. You will feel like yourself again. You will receive every single blessing you’re waiting for - as long as you’re willing to put in the work and understand what is right for you and your mental/emotional/spiritual health.

It may take longer than you want it to, but it’s important to remember to enjoy the journey and learn from your mistakes. As uncomfortable as it may be to accept that no amount of control and planning can predict life’s twists and turns, allowing yourself to trust that the universe will give you everything you need at the right time is extremely empowering and calming.

Keep doing your thing, and you will reap the rewards in due time.

So, there you have it. If you read the entire post from start to finish, you deserve all the accolades because at the time of posting this, even I haven’t read it all in one go. I hope that you found something that resonated with you and will help you navigate through the f*ckeries in this life easier than before.

Anyways. Happy belated birthday to me, I guess. I can’t wait to never do a post like this again!

Love,

Liv

#selfhelp #opinions #Empowerment #selflove

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loveiwillsurvivethis · 7 years

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So, I slept fourteen hours today, and while asleep and after waking I’ve been working on grasping what’s been going on with me health wise.

Not that what’s been going on itself has been lost on me, things such as depression, anxiety, dissociation, now sleep disorders I need to be evaluated for. But how to handle them, has been.

I obsess (and OCD is on the above list too) over fix it fix it fix it. I’ve been able to bring down that obsession, and kicking self pity in the ass has helped a ton with me actually learning things again, rather than the “I know I know - I’m still panicking but I know” response while trying to force solutions into working without fully understanding.

But gods I wanted to say I did. Gods I wanted to stop. And it wasn’t until I very fine lined, nearly nuked one relationship, it finally hit I’m nuking everything, and whining about it. And oh boy I haven’t been perfect since. Every day I make mistakes. Today I made some pretty big ones.

But I’ve started actually understanding what I’m doing and what I need to do. Not what people need to do for me. That was a big one. I wanted other people to make me feel better. Others hurt me, I felt helpless on my own, and tired, oh so tired. So someone else carry me. Someone else make it stop.

Something I’m still reminding myself is that my intentions don’t count for shit. Like I can say I mean well all I want. I can say I didn’t mean to hurt you until the cows come home. That doesn’t take back what I did. That doesn’t help me handle why I did it. I didn’t mean to. But my god the more I say that the more I find I’m feeling sorry for myself, the more I’m convinced I’m out of control, the more helpless I feel, as if intentions and “well I didn’t WANT to hurt you” are enough to just automatically guide my decisions and over-ride the trauma’s that I’ve gone through and put myself through - yup, self inflicted trauma, that was a pill I’ve had to swallow too.

No, it takes work. It takes daily, life long work. And honestly, I don’t want to die, I want the people I care for to know how much I love them, I want to spend a life in creation, sharing what I make and learn with other people, and helping them. And that’s worth the work, even when it’s overwhelming some days. Bad days are bad days. Not the rest of my life.

Like, I want this emphasized. I’ve changed so much, in a lot of ways for the worse with the friends around me the past three years. I was someone that didn’t know how to take care of their selves but I would stay up until 6 am talking, I clung to hope and worked to do my best, no matter how bad I felt.

And then I got caught up in feeling sorry for myself. It wasn’t immediate. It started with self fear. Things came to surface and exploded, I panicked. I started to get a handle and then got called a liar, got told I needed things I didn’t. I stopped holding onto the people I cared so hard for who had been helping and got mixed up between them and bad advice, bad thinking, bad influences, and then self pity. Mostly as a barrier on because I couldn’t accept things I’d done in that period. So feel sorry for me so it wasn’t my fault. And that stunted me hard. I did so much for the past year to hurt myself, hurt those around me, because no I would never have stolen money, no I would never have shamed you, I would never have sexualized anyone. I know I have related trauma, I know I have multiple personalities, but no I would never, I would never, I didn’t mean to.

It was them.

I was the victim.

I’m so sorry.

And that thinking stunted me so hard. On one hand that was a lot to swallow. On the other hand I should have been talking more, when I was afraid to. Like you don’t undergo that much with someone with the intention to just leave after. They have told me so many times I’m human, I take time to learn, effort to learn, that I’m imperfect with good and bad and weird and everything in-between, that even with that I should find pride in myself.

And I was stuck over obsessing if I said one more thing, added one more to the pile, it’d be the last thing to break the relationships and they all would leave.

So defense mechanisms kicked in and I left them unchecked, because they felt right at the time.

I have massively shit on their trust, I have strained and tugged and tested the relationships in ways I shouldn’t have, it’s hard for me to look at them and still not remember everything I’ve done to abuse them and my relationships with them.

That, and trauma from past relationships I didn’t want to acknowledge in full. I wanted to be over my exes. I wanted ex friends to mean nothing. I wanted the compounding trust issues to not exist. So every time I got closer to the friends I keep now, I’d panic and shove them away, and pretend that the trauma wasn’t why. It was just me. I was inherently fucked up.

I’m sorry.

And I never got better.

I’ve poured myself whole-heartedly into empty relationships. Most of my past ones were one sided. I’ve been isolated and socially abused most of my life. I don’t understand how relationships work. I don’t understand every cue. I don’t recognize mutual investment. I don’t register I’m cared for, and once I do, I recoil hard.

And I’ve been wanting them to make me feel better about it. As much as I was putting my faith into just being some inherent fuck up, I was also holding them responsible for making me feel better about everything left untreated from my past, my traumas. While pulling them in my back and forth of “don’t get too close - but don’t leave”.

Talking it out helps. But I’ve got to pull my own weight too. So finally, after far too long but finally, I started researching relationship trauma.

And one of the first things I read was not to try and solve the trauma in the current relationships. No one should be playing hero, and I shouldn’t be offering it up for that sort of attention. It’s trauma, it takes time, and my trauma is not my current relationship.

And it’s so simple, so simple but something I completely missed, and it’s something set off by the line of “The brain needs time to process traumatic information”.

In the beginning of these new relationships, the very fucking beginning, I found out a friend I had been with for 7 years was back stabbing me and manipulating me the whole time, hiding things and lying, and tried to sabotage relationships with others as well, including these ones.

And then I broke up with my boyfriend at the time, who I swore I was in love with, and was using me, neglecting me, and abusing me, while covering up for the fact that he was gay, and this was dating him a second time right after another guy abused me, cheated on me, threatened me, and then abandoned me, who I was only dating because in-the-closet “someone please dick me” abandoned me for struggling with mental illness while living in an abusive home, and I wasn’t “happy” enough (nor did I have a dick, and he had lost interest in my “scary” vag). And I broke up with him that first time because I thought it was my fault.

So they help me get away from that, and then help me realize someone I thought was my friend for 9 years, who I had been living with, was out to use me. Nearly getting me killed, keeping me unemployed, leaving me without food or water, watching me as I slept, stealing the little bit that I had, and letting me know he was better than me, he was right and I was wrong, he was all knowing, but he needed me, and don’t I dare leave.

Everyone I thought of as a staple, that I trusted and cared for, I learned better, and I became suicidal somewhere in the mess of all that as well. I am so glad I hung on, I’m so glad I learned better, and got out with such helping hands before things were even worse.

But holy shit it fucked me up.

These new friends then got me a new home, a safe one. And I cried, because I was bought a bed, the first one in two years. I cried because I was offered food. I cried because they were worried about the bruises I woke with. And I was terrified. I was a clashing of realizing this was the safest I had ever been and absolutely confused and fearful of what was going on, how things worked. The relationships being established were so new, there were signals and expectations I didn’t understand, needs I haven’t known about.

And then I got diagnosed with multiple personalities. A disorder I had been suppressing. A disorder I had been abused by. A disorder I was told “there’s no way you could have”. And in a rush, certain things made sense, and in the same stride, the personalities themselves swelled, enraged and bottled, and very well let me know they were here now.

And in the panic of it all I latched onto the woman who called me a child, a traumatized child, and that she would be my mother.

It caused a spiral I’m still pulling myself out of. It’s a spiral that ended with me sleeping in my car again, homeless, of me losing that car, living back with abusive relatives, of shoving the way the friends that got me away from abusers, got me into safety, got me to a car, a good job, shoving them away out of panic and fear because it felt like far too much and I had begun clinging onto the wrong things.

I went from endlessly clinging onto ways I could help myself to wanting to be saved, wanting attention, wanting pity, wanting distractions, and I got told I wasn’t acting like myself anymore.

I hadn’t acted like myself in a good year.

And now I’m starting to step off that spiral, and stepping back into square one of that whole mess - I have trauma regarding trust and relationships and I’ve been wanting them to make it better.

It’s not their place, and it’s not what helps. Friends are support to lean on, never, ever cures. I’ve got to step back into pulling my own weight again, every day, day in, day out. And work on the fact that as much as I know I can trust them, there are times I’m going to panic, and they’re there to help while I learn to recover from what’s past.

All of this set off by this one line in this article.

I’ve been wanting to say I’ve been overwhelmed for two years now as well, and it felt true, but I didn’t know how to say it, I didn’t know why. That transition, that overwhelmed me, I don’t feel I was ready for that much change at once. But it’s past tense now. I was overwhelmed. I had lost control. Now it’s picking myself back up. Properly, this time, and taking the time I need.

#mental health #dissociation #mpd #did #depression #anxiety #recovery #trauma #relationships #suicide #therapy

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cateringknowledge · 6 years

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Blog One

Blog one Q1

The article Truth and Reconciliation in Canada relates to the United Nations Sustainability Development goals in many ways. The primary points I would like to address is the humanistic and societal relations that the text went over. The goals that will be addressed and that I found had the most relationto the text are; 4. Quality Education, 7. Good Health and Well-being and 11. Sustainable Cities and Communities.

The goal of quality education strikes me as the education that the European men believed was quality was that of conformity, segregation, and assimilation. The indigenous people of the land were being forced to change in a way that the white man deemed civilized and not as savages as they believed the native habitants were. I am using a snippet from the article which mentions the attempt at assimilation through residential schooling, "Aboriginal languages and cultures were denigrated and suppressed. The educational goals of the schools were limited (Truth and Reconciliation - Introduction, p.3)." This relates to the UN's fourth goal as they believe it is essential to growth and prosperity in a community and to have a positive influence on the society they live in. Education such as reading and writing is fundamental to lead a sustainable life as through knowledge and learning they can help each other grow. What the UN is trying to do is support this opportunity to all so that these genocides based on prejudice do not occur. The native Americans have so many teachings and ways of life that should be considered valuable knowledge, but to relate what we are doing now to what we have done then is incomparable. I found it extremely odd when the article stated that on occasion the schools would bring in a singer or dancer to share with the students some of their heritage, unfortunately this only came to be in the 1970’s when the issues have already been brought out in the light to society, it was almost as if they were trying to make it seem better in a way. By any means, it seemed the early European settlers tried to do as the UN is trying to accomplish today, just in a slight backward manner as the indigenous people should not have had to suffer but they should have been sharing their knowledge and religion and we should have been doing the same. Conformity is what drives people away from each other in the long joust of it all, as people just want to be themselves, even if that is hard for them to see, quality education helps them learn about themselves and find what interests them.

The second goal I listed is that of good health and well-being, this goal is trying to promote a clean and healthy life for all of those who need it. Who needs it you ask? Just about anyone who is willing to contribute to a sustainable society. Now the Canadian government back in the 1800’s went about this all wrong. The aboriginal people in Canada were not given this opportunity of a healthy lifestyle. They were brought to schools where they were supposed to be “safe” and live a healthy life learning how to “fit into” the white mans’ society. Negligence, starvation, abuse and close to zero health aid was all something that the white man believed would either eradicate or help the youth grow into people that can be civilized. This is in no form a way to promote this type of civilization because one, they cannot simply unlearn what they were taught, and two, how can a malnourished and abused victim prosper in an environment where they are wanted to succeed. The UN created this goal as a human being that is growing needs healthy vitality to survive, learn and pass on their genes to the next generation to have a sustainable civilization. I’ve started to notice a trend that the UN sustainable development goals do not directly relate to what the government was doing in these times but moving forward it is how things should and shall be done now in time to encourage the generations in a way that it is possible to succeed. These native Americans were not even given this sort of chance, they were quite literally set up for failure, then punished in cruel and inhumane manner when they did. For example, in a text I read following Truth and Reconciliation, it was mentioned that “many children suffered physical, sexual, psychological, and/or spiritual abuse while attending the schools, which has had enduring effects including, health problems, substance abuse, mortality/suicide rates, criminal activity, and disintegration of families and communities [5]. Moreover, many of the residential schools were severely underfunded, providing poor nutrition and living conditions for children in their care, leading to illness and death.” Vouching for what I mentioned earlier it was no condition that was safe or led to the promotion of a healthy minded individual. A quote from the original text also indicates how inhumane these schools were, “Frederick Ernest Koe said, you kind of behave, you followed orders and things would go smooth (Truth and Reconciliation - The History, p.77).” In conclusion of this goal I bring you to my final attempt to show the relatedness of the UN goals and the article with

Lastly, we must go over sustainable cities and development, the eleventh goal set in place by the UN in what they believe will lead to a sustainable future. The goal is clear that for a future to be sustainable, not only does the environment have to be, but the society that is living in it as well. The society that resulted in the upbringing of residential schools was not one that had this goal as their endgame, in fact the only thing they really did care about was the conformity of a uniform and integrated civilization, which is part to why there were few prosperity stories of the native Americans who made it through their schooling. Yes, they had their actions and methodologies that were totally in the wrong places, but their means for what they really wanted as an end goal was somewhat logical, the integrated civilization that is. As it became apparent in the latent years of their actions, there were governments that were able to see that the actions could not continue and that this was by no means the way to integrate our differences into a holistic society thus closing the doors to many of these schools across the nation and even compensating these people for their losses and trauma that had been done by what was recognized as “their” government. I do not believe there is any amount of compensation that can be done to repay these peoples for what has been done, not to their cultures, beliefs, education or minds. The few things that can be done is to acknowledge this gruesome and historic part of Canadian history, to educate, to ensure their lands and people still living on them are protected and looked after with access to health care, and to promote growth in their communities and ours by the means of integration should it be what they desire. All this, to foster the new generations to come with this legacy that their ancestors went through to be where they are today. Many of their teachings have been recognized as actions that were found to be sustainable such as the burning of the decomposing matter on forest floors that were proven to germinate seeds and lessen the chances for forest fires, something that British Colombia has been fighting against for some time now and where many of the first residential schools first sprouted. A portion of the text that was very well written, “We do this, not as a way of subtly excusing ourselves or of rationalizing in any way so as to denigrate this apology, but as a way of more fully exposing the reasons for our past blindness and, especially, as a way of honouring, despite their mistakes, those many men and women, Native and white alike, who gave their lives and their very blood in a dedication that was most sincere and heroic. (Truth and Reconciliation – Appendix 4, p.386)” The commission did a fine job writing an apology letter but something that would even bigger than just some words on a page would be to act and show the native Americans that we, in fact, had learning to do from them would be to apply these sustainable measures that they are so knowledgeable of, in our communities and our cities as there are approaches that we take in current life that are most certainly for granted and the non-anthropocentric way of life as a take away. As the white man thought everything revolved around him, including those who are different.

Blog Q2 A)

The tedtalks did not change much of what I thought of nature, I always knew how important it was since an elementary school experience where I littered a slurpee cup on the snow and later that school year saw as it slowly but surely started to decompose, the straw however did not. It was at some point then that a realization came to me that this non-natural substance of a slurpee cup and a plastic straw did not fit in the environment. That day I picked it up and in the following weeks, my school had gone ahead to teach the students about waste and recycling as well as fossil fuels used as automotive fuel. The talk done by Suzanne did not change my views as I learned in recent years about this communication aspect that our trees had, she did mention some bountiful information regarding our old growth forests and how the old trees will “speak” and “pass down their wisdom to future generations.” This was bold and very relatable as this is what our species does already, pass knowledge down or forward to the next generation. This affected how I think about nature and humans as partners, as it was there for us throughout our evolutionary scale, and now we must be there for it as it no longer needs to support us in the same ways it had in our debut. In many ways we rely highly on the environment, however, we neglect and use it a lot more than appreciate and nurture it as it did for us. It is like a mother and her child, she will nurture, teach and give life to this child until it is the time for that child to do the same for her as she grows older and needs the same nurturing that she had provided us in the start.

Q2 B)

The aspect that I feel most obliged to protect is our oceans. Even knowing that the decomposer roles in our ecosystems are vital, I believe the oceans are the most at risk. This question has no right answer unless you are to say all of it, however no one person can change every aspect, at most we can perform actions that will chip away at the problem. We need focus groups, simply learning about the ocean ecology and health as it was thousands of years ago only to know of its health today is terrifying. This fear is great, as it is one, if not the largest motivator to homo sapiens, it has allowed us to surpass all imaginable thoughts at defeat as a species and will continue to be our drive for change and the urgency will be the call for action. The physical action I can do is educate and motivate our youth to take the wheel and start steer us onto the highway and not the exit that I believe Elon Musk is taking. This planet is ours and will continue to be so long that there is a human being breathing in its prana, and if we have it we must act in ways that push people to their wits end and move people’s hearts not just their thoughts as this will produce the best cures, not band-aids, for the ecological and environmental threats that not only we pose as a species but that we will succumb to should we not regard this in our future.

Q3.1:

One experience that I can relate this to would be a time spent in Birds Hill Provincial Park. This was recent experience and I shared an exuberant time in the wild space that our province has to offer during the summer. I was on a trip that led me away from the people I was there with and as they went to the beach I moved into the bush and learned a lot about myself and the nature around me. The trees were lush with life, the birds speaking in languages I could not understand, and the waters were dancing in ways I had not seen them move before.

Q3.2:

Through this journey I learned a vital piece of information, it is that we could not be here if not for it, and it would not be here in the condition it lies in were it not for man to act and protect it, and because of this I was thankful. As I roamed through the small but vast landscape I came across different wildlife and plants that I had not seen before or noticed in our urbanized lives. This trip I had my device with me but had no urge or thought to acknowledge it, it was no use to me out there other than to capture moments and images I did not want to escape my thoughts. Part of my experience in this land that struck me the most was the sight and sound that I was beholding, there was no sirens, no lights but the sun, and the view was spectacular as no leave was identical to the last and the noises made were all that of living beings, none were part of the machine. I believe that was the biggest effect that nature had on me in a long time as I was alone with me and my thoughts, but even those weren’t there, I could not stop listening to what the birds were saying and watching as the leaves danced with me as I passed them by. By the time I reached a clearing of a sort, with fewer trees, I heard water and was instantly led to it, as I just realized I had hardly been drinking or eating this time in the forest. Approaching the water world, I came across a small tree of berries and ate them. Knowing they could be toxic to humans I thought back to what our ancestors would have done and eating a few berries would not have killed them right off, but maybe gave them a sickness that they then died of. These berries were delicious, and I then moved to the waters to see of what quality it was. It was of no quality that my body could bear at that time but simply standing in it I felt replenished and my quest for thirst and hunger had dissipated. This is a moment, where I realized nature had an incredible effect on our human bodies, not only through the mind but through our physical well-being as well. I was able to continue my quest through the woodland and the trees had led me back to a familiar place, where I had begun the journey, from around and around to the other side of the forest, and what had seemed different was not the location that I started, but it was the perspective that I had on it. That experience I will not forget.

Q4.1.1:

Nature connectedness is that of a feeling of being a part of nature and to be able to cognitively think and feel connected to the different environments we have. With this also comes the undying act to care and preserve it as we would a child in this world. To promote this connection between ourselves and the nature around us, we must not confine or blind ourselves with our screens, our day jobs, and the materials we have constant access to. We must often spend time with someone to learn about them and value them as human beings, it is the same with nature. Except, with nature, there is not the underlying feeling that this person is an asshole, we can always rely on nature to be kind to us, even when it shows us that it is frustrated with us. This frustration be a hurricane or some catastrophic event, it is merely trying to show us that what we are doing is hurting it, but it doesn’t know any other way to express it other than with pain, as that is all we have been committing unto it. Therefore, this connection that we can share with must be one that is loving and nurturing, as mentioned earlier in my blog, it is a mother that we must now care for in old age now, otherwise, she will not last long with us neglecting her.

4.1.2:

Disconnecting ourselves is not something nature did to us, it is what we did not it, high rises, massive communities, society, that is what’s disconnecting us from nature. Newer generations seem to lack the understanding that what you are sitting in, walking or driving on, is all within nature. Screens we stare at can show us a pretty picture of an epic landscape but that is in no way a relatable feeling to what the person who took the photo felt, breathtaking and eye-watering some of these views are truly otherworldly with the beauty that is seen. It is amazing just to think this is on this planet and not some far-fetched fictional world, we have this and with losing that connection of care and empathy for it, we will have nothing to care for and nothing left to stare at. This is a feeling one could almost call love, that moment where all you want to do is be immersed in it, it is a feeling I don’t believe many have experienced in lives and hopefully one day they take off the shades and can see our planet in a new light. An evolutionary biologist by the name of Stephen Jay Gould said: "We cannot win this battle to save species and environments without forging an emotional bond between ourselves and nature as well – for we will not fight to save what we do not love.” (Wikipedia – Nature Connectedness).

Q4.1.3:

The growing disconnect that our current generations are experiencing is that of negligence and abuse. They don’t think about it, and when they think about it and want something from it, they abuse it to get that access or allow it to be abused in the process of wanting. This does pose a grave threat not just for nature, but for us as individuals as well. It is known that those who have been deprived of a natural environment will lack the capacity to care for it as they will never feel as it did anything for them, and so why should they for it. This disconnectedness will continue to stretch further and further pushing people away from caring and will let them continue their path to a materialistic and neurotic future for themselves. I believe this since I have already seen this sort of behavior and strongly so with neuroticism, people freak out when they lose their device or cannot stand being a day without it, causing them to feel left out and anxious because of this. Don’t get me wrong when I lose my device I can be upset; however, I never feel connected to it the same way as with nature, I cannot say I love my phone, I love the features and the people that are being communicated with. But to no extent do I care for this device more than what nature has to offer, intellectual, spiritual, physical and emotional strength and support, it is truly something incredible. We are a spawn of nature, we always have been and always will be up until we begin birthing in laboratories nature will always be our birthplace and for this reason it allows us to feel so intimately for it as we do with our parents, because of what they’ve both done for us, Jennifer McDowell commented, “They don’t want to leave now that we’re here. It’s a struggle to get them to leave the house — they want to watch TV or play on the iPad — but once they’re here, they don’t want to leave.” (Nature Deficit Disorder: Our Disconnect from Nature Is Simply Unnatural - Amanda Bindel).

Q4.2:

My environmental ethics lie with ecocentrism. Reducing the inequality in our systems created by anthropocentric views and actions and protecting what it has not already destroyed. They lie here as in my first year at a post-secondary institution I have learned about the three main views that one may support in this world, anthropocentrism, biocentrism, and ecocentrism. The thing that makes less sense to me is the mere idea of the former two, without ecology and functional systems on our planet we would not have the birth of these other two views and so it only makes sense to be supportive of it. Now, of course, opinions are everywhere, but man would not be able to perform or commit to many of his actions had our ecosystems not supported him throughout his evolutionary journey here, sustaining off the lands and their processes. To define ethics; moral principles that govern a person's behavior or the conducting of an activity. (Google search “ethics”). Therefore, I believe it is most important to protect and support the health of our ecosystems as it is what connects our global environment and can connect us as well in doing so, making for a strong biocentric and perhaps anthropocentric, if the ecosystems are well as can we be, and everything living amongst them.

Q4.3:

Parks have very limited flexibility if they are opening their doors to the public disturbance, rules, and legislation such as what you can have with you upon entry and what you can do when you enter. With fines and penalties that will be endowed not to the government but to the park, to strengthen its protective measures. As well as a limited access period where it is only available before the mating season or something of the sorts, for example. Parks can probably meet this mandate of access and protection it will be hard to regulate in the coming future with more and more demand for development, but we must stick to our roots as the trees might say, and plant ourselves in their way so that they cannot conquer the landscape.

Q4.3.2:

This can be achieved in the Wapusk park through a few methods. Move the community, provide them with the means and resources to be an internally displaced person, then provide nourishment and growth sustenance to the parklands so that the many species who are at risk in their current environment can flourish again. Even when we move we will still have to aid these species since the environment had been affected so deeply by the humans, if it was more of a sustainable way of life there in the past there is a high likelihood that the current biodiversity and ecosystems would not be in dwindling. Now realistically this is not possible and so we decided to continue living in these regions however integrating both man and wildlife so that they may co-exist. I still believe this is less than ideal but it is more realistic and so I can see where protection act came into place. This change in access and protection what has happened in Wapusk and so the government believes it is possible but I don’t think it is the most ideal method in order to protect its spaces and wildlife inhabitants.

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