#since I don't think he's saying some of this stuff to be intentionally shitty | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

mushroom-for-art · 8 months

Text

Height tracking lore stuff

Axel - 9'6"~ - due to his unstable genetics from having human genes forcefully spliced into his mew genes a lot of his genetic formation information got screwed resulting in his current mewtwo appearance for one taller humanoid-ish and such unfortunately in the mess of his genes trying to stabilise from the new information and damages the gene for growth in all areas height bone growth muscle growth ect got left on, and by the time Axel even remembered/figured out how to manipulate his own genetic coding to turn those genes off and stabilise himself he was already massively tall and he absolutely hates it. He wishes he was 6 foot odd, the tall hurts both in memory of his past self and also oh god being this tall is suffering, especially when you've got metal armor screwed into your bones causing probably bone fractures and splintering as you grow and the metal fixings don't. Having a horrible time, he's gonna maim me just stupid big mewtwo who wishes he wasn't stupid big

Prototype - 8'8" - it's just a nice number to me fam lmao and also with the slight damages to his dna from being a clone of axel he loses some height and his genes were probably fixed during development to cap his height before he entered the suffering giant height range

Scribe - 7' - due to the Smeargle genes his height got cut otherwise he would've been a similar height to his brother, he is very embarrassed and angry that he's shorter than some of the later generation mewtwo

Dusty - 8' - as an adult he's only a few inches of his papa! Prototype would be so proud of him, not many clever thoughts here just liked him being the same height as Imp

May - 5'4" - #sorry, no height for u it's too iconic your short ass is too iconic May and canonically you are literally stunted because of the tainted with synergy mega stone implanted in development you're physically and power wise stunted I'm afraid assigned runt of genetic litter

Darkness - 7'6" - height restored, this girl has been hassling me for AGES for extra height when she realised 6'9" is probably not actually that big for a mewtwo, like way back since March I think? She realised she was not the big mean bitch she thought she was and she wasn't having it XD so she finally successfully bullied me into giving her extra height and she's quite happy knowing even with Mays souped up Mega evo that adds 2 foot she's still taller than her sister normally

Matt: 6'2" - he came into my office and also bullied me into giving him height, pointing out rightfully that Mays stunted height isn't genetic but was purely environmental soooo he still has the potential to be tol and also lore wise he wasn't immediately terminated for his missing limbs as he was going to be spare parts but if he was only 5'9" his organs would probably be smaller than a normal twos and this kinda shitty spares so he gets height and it also provided him with gender euphoria but in exchange he is losing a kidney reduced to one slightly bigger than average one and losing some eyesight benefits because nope you need more issues from genetic degregation and hes losing his implanted mega stone he's getting a mega stone accessory later in exchange. He tries to get pushed to 6'4" but after being told I'd make him only 6' he shut up

Imp: 8' - big girl!!!! When she first comes out she's fully developed mentally and her body is fully developed organs reproductive system ect but she was intentionally kept in a more cramped tube and kept on strict nutrition which means when she first emerged she was only about 6'3 still rather big but kept smaller easy to handle than say Prototype or Scribe, after she escaping and getting to eat as much as she wanted and not being hungry and having actual space to exist her more prominent fossil mew genes went 'hello!!' and her growing hormones reactivated to let her become her full potential in height and body so she's probably a bit stockier as well that her first image having gained them muscles too

AI: 7'5" - unlike her parents AI is intentionally given access to foods to grow big and strong as an adult (as a teen she's likely about 6'7") with the intent of having her body incubate larger stronger mewtwo offspring that could be transferred to growing tanks or raised, the theory being bigger body bigger womb and growing space and while technically true with Imp having the size and capability to potentially produce a large egg (due to having more other pokemon genes) and MIA likely able to produce a large baby if she desired one AI will obviously be removed from there before they can use her

MIA: 7'9" - being out on the battle fields a lot MIA had room to keep growing and would scavenge food whenever she could devouring down berries and even other pokemon meaning she grew much like her mother had despite the facility trying to restrict her. Also MIA may have been made using Axels dna as well as Imps explaining the coloration change from creams to more purples and the persistence of tall genetics despite them being restricted, this also potentially explains the then jump from purples and pinks to Blue with AI as Axel is a holder of blue gene tho this is usually as a stripe something in Imp/MIAs genes likely had blue stripe gene turned on all the way making it blue fill, this makes MIA Axels daughter as well as Imps.

Important note: Imp and Axel share no genetic relation from their mew donors or human gene donors, though later they may refer to each other as Cousins which will then become siblings as Imp longs for familial connection with anyone like her and Axel can see she needs that and isn't gonna be a "well actually," jerk to her about it. He sees no harm in saying they're family even if by all means they're not. When they find out about MIAs existence and shared genetic relation to them both neither of them see it as weird cause they know there's no relation, despite the hatred of his kin Axel is probably a bit more open to acting as father with MIA (until he realises she doesn't want that in which cause he quickly steps off). So don't be weird about it alright

#My rambles #My lore #Height records #And useless more rambling #Why they so big? Cause I can #I stopped caring XD #Big bitches upon yee #I also just love them all being giants #Makes them more scary and dangerous I think #And then there's May #Oh tiny ex sona my beloved

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archive2394934 · 1 year

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As a Billy fan, I’m sorry for any misdirected anger that’s spilled over to Henry enjoyers. ST4 has created so many firefights (ie: the bullying of Billy fans, Hellcheer peeps, etc etc) and I just want you to know that by and large, we are a lovely bunch and are just suffering a weird and frustrating time!

While no one is demanding that other fans LIKE Billy/Hellcheer/Henry/whoever is under the knife, no one should feel like they’re being morally indicted over a fictional character. 🤡

Y'all are good. I'm not mad with Billy fans per-se, I know why they're angry but that's just the thing, its not anger when I see stuff like this its more just disappointment since no one should know more what its like to see fandoms subscribe to the worst takes of your fav that they then weaponize and use as ammunition to sling shit around that poisons the fanbase at large and results in the fans of that particular character and even often the actor of the character getting shit if the fandoms opinions and misinterpretations are bad enough. The horrific things they say about Henry with the most insane conviction is alarming.

But thats another thing I can also understand- as far as the Billy fandom goes and some of their bad takes on Henry, particularly in defense of Billy- is that Henry as a character is currently victim to some very OUTRAGOUS propaganda against him in this fandom and its being produced and promoted by people who have much bigger and more influential platforms than anyone who is just giving an unbiased take or trying to show a different side that is JUST as supported by canon if not more so than the popular ""theories"" that have done and are doing all the damage throughout the fandom both on tumblr and twitter. But I think its clear at this point that these ""theories"" are in fact being shared just to shit over and damage the character and by extension the fans. Because the thing is lot of the pro-henry theories are good and actually nuanced and don't rely on emotional shock value to try and force the reader into agreeing-- unlike the popular anti-ones. Like so many of the theories I've seen that took off in this fandom are just so emotionally manipulative and full of false accusations and/or things that really are just biggest reaches or completely made up. A lot of its coming out of a very obvious and intentionally crafted echo-chamber as well, or else anyone who says anything that shows anything thats against their narrative wouldn't be mocked and scorned. If this wasn't the case people would probably be more willing to accept and listen to posts about Henry that show its highly possible the entire plot surrounding Henry has been misread by the fandom. They also probably wouldn't try so hard to like actively erase and ignore our own evidence to prove it. And I don't think there is anything wrong with just liking shitty characters with no real redeemable qualities. I like Dr Brenner personally, he's interesting to me and hes so important to the plot as well. But he is pretty shit and therefore you wont see me saying hes not or trying to display him as better and more sympathetic than he is or should be, even if I do think Brenner has his own complexities going on, so to speak. This being said, strangely enough no one comes for Brenner or even Neil Hargrove the way they come for characters like Henry or Billy. So for me its different with Henry purely based on the fact there is just SO MUCH evidence to support the fact that its VERY unlikely Henry IS the "big bad" and that he is just a "psychopath" who does what he does bc he enjoys it and thinks he's better than everyone and nothing more. Canon is more showing that not only was he a victim too, not only just a victim but a victim of the same stuff as the party and was in fact probably one of the most abused, oppressed and exploited of ALL THE characters altogether, no joke, but that its extremely likely there is a lot more to this plot with Henry and the MF and who is who and who is doing what and why than the fandom is comfortable admitting. All for their own silly, pig headed biases and the strange underlying issue the fandom has in actually understanding and having empathy for victims that don't fully match their personal "ideal victim." Its gross and concerning.

This all being said I think Billy has as many supporters as he does haters. Henry doesn't have that and we can't pretend thats not related to the fact he doesn't stay a cute blondie baby girl. I can promise if Henry stayed in his human form or anything that closer resembled his human form, liking him and sympathizing with this plight would be a lot more common and accepted.

#henry creel #vecna #001 #billy hargrove #the mindflayer #i heard that people think hellcheer is p*dophila bc eddies like maybe 2-3 years older than chrissy and thats deranged #truly a chronically online take if ever i heard one #and yet u know the same ppl would not be the ones talking about how Karen acted toward Billy #nah i always see the fandom act like that would have been all billys fault like the woman didnt have a child roughly the same age as billy #ALSO i dont know how to answer ur other ask private but that u for the song skfjkdkfk #i feel it sooo hard

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loosesodamarble · 2 years

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And your darling devil divine for the ask game please ❤️

Ah yes… My beloved Nacht…

BINGO! We got a bingo!

Man do I have thoughts about Nacht. Ever evolving thoughts too.

At first I was neutral. Then I started to like him when it was revealed he was a self-loathing hypocrite who was not so above it all. And now I’ve analyzed his character twice in a matter of weeks.

I believe Nacht is a well written character. He has a compelling backstory which influences his present ideals and actions. It's only my personal bias saying that Nacht needs more screen time. In reality, what attention he does get is used effectively to tell the story of someone who has damned themselves to living in the shadow of another, "better" person and deciding that eternal punishment is what he deserves for the mistakes he's made.

Tabata did Nacht a disservice by rushing Nacht's whole arc. He was laying it out so nicely and then one conversation with Yami seems to fix it. (Maybe it's not totally resolved yet and we just have to wait and see?)

And the fans do Nacht a disservice by like... Oh here are the opinions that would be like hitting a wasps nest...

The way I see it, Nacht only seriously hurts people he cares for on accident. He pushes away people like Morgen and Yami, creating a rift, but Nacht's intent was to save them rather than harm them. Even Nacht's greatest sin, Morgen's death, was an accident and not entirely on him since Morgen was the one to put his life on the line. Nacht is similar to Nozel in that both characters don't intend to harm their loved ones but it happens anyways because of poor/a lack of communication. Nacht's first interaction with the Black Bulls doesn't count because the Bulls didn't know Nacht at all and he was still projecting onto them. Not a good first introduction but it really doesn't hold the same significance to Nacht causing Morgen's death. Also, Nacht does eventually acknowledge the good the Bulls have done and how incredible they are. Yes, Nacht has said bad stuff about Yami, his best friend, but that still circled back to Nacht seeing the worst of himself in Yami instead of actually disliking Yami. So the way I see it, depicting Nacht as being whole-heartedly and intentionally malicious towards those he truly cares about is... not right.

Another mischaracterization of Nacht would be the idea that he wants forgiveness and redemption. Nacht doesn't want to be forgiven. Nacht never seeks to become good and instead believes he will always be evil. He even says he will "fight evil with evil" instead of determining that he will do only good after Morgen's death. Nacht ran away from forgiveness... Up until Yami talked away his issues all too easily. (But like I said, that's Tabata's fault.)

Does it sound like I'm absolving Nacht of guilt? Oh absolutely! Like, I know he did really shitty things. But I also want to point out the context and and possible emotional significance to the characters that gives the situations nuance. Still, I said these opinions would be like a bat to a wasp nest so I know these thoughts won’t be taken well by some.

Also these my opinions so if you’re reading of Nacht is different. We can keep it to ourselves.

Moving onto more light-hearted things about Nacht...

Yeah the music thing sure is accurate. I mean... I did do the whole Music of Faustsele series. And I still have yet to talk about the Yonzeu songs that I think relate to Nacht alone and one's that express his thoughts about Morgen! As you can see, Kenshi Yonezu and Nacht Faust go really well together./lh

And I do think about him so much. I mean, did you read the meta I did of his character? One of my most complex ocs exists thanks to me being absolutely taken in by Nacht's story! I want to learn more about him! Have more to analyze and study!

As you can probably tell, I really like Nacht. In fact, I love him. As a character. A plot device. A vehicle for themes and narrative progression.

Still debating if I'd like him if he were a flesh and blood human though. I wouldn’t be able to handle his criticism well if he had anything to say to me at all. Maybe. Depends on if he keeps the devils. The Bremen crew make him 10x more attractive, let's be real./lh+j

#questions from the ask box #ask game #nacht faust #black clover #soda asides #laura the writing senpai #i can't say the popular ships for nacht sucks because i think there's only one popular ship for him #and that's yami x nacht #and it's fine it makes sense #but also i think it's funnier to imagine them as exes #exes that can hang out but should never get back together again #i do admit that i have a bias as i have an oc i ship with nacht...

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redjennies · 2 years

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You know there's always been something about Alistair that never quite hit the mark with me but its been a few years since I last played DAO so I wasn't really sure if it was just me or something else... But you're right! He does say some dumb shit thats what it is! (Not that anyone else doesn't say dumb shit I mean they kinda all do but you're 100% right about Ali and the way the fandom acts with him)

yeah, I like Alistair but you're completely right to find something off about him and the fandom's perception of him as "Mr. Chugs His Respect Women Juice."

I think the "they all say dumb shit" kinda hits at the heart of why I find it difficult to talk about this kinda stuff because I really don't care for trying to find "unproblematic men" or "unproblematic [insert member of privileged group here]." it's naive at best and actively excusing/condoning shitty prejudiced bullshit at worst. not to be all "we live in a society," but we live in a society that teaches us that some people are superior to others in order to elevate the in-group by exploiting people in the out-group and exterminating those that do not comply and that colors our perceptions of people and even our perception of groups we might belong to. I know nobody wants to acknowledge this, but just because I'm a bisexual woman doesn't mean I don't have years of exposure to sexist and homophobic rhetoric that might give me sexist and homophobic biases against both myself and other people like me. it doesn't actually do any good to dismantle these systems of oppression by pretending prejudice is only perpetuated by a few bad apples.

so yeah, nobody can be completely "wholesome" or "unproblematic" because everyone has their biases and every fictional character is written by people with biases. hell, I believe a well-written character can even be intentionally written with biases and still be well-written. though I think in Alistair's case his sexism is unintentional and is just a reflection of the biases of the writers, it's still worth acknowledging and we shouldn't pretend he's not the kind of guy who'd make kitchen jokes or call a woman he hated a total bitch when he absolutely did those sorts of things in the text. it's kind of weird to pretend he isn't a little sexist because Alistair's moments of sexism are honestly the perfect example of how most guys are sexist.

#asks

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obiwhat · 3 years

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Hey! I've been reading one of your fics and I kinda felt the need to request one! Your writing is so good! If it's levi/erwin is up to you, but that is the ship I'm usually going with 😍🙃

My rec is; Levi is acting out after his squad is killed (Petra, Eld, Gunter and Oulo/Auro? Ouro? I don't even know anymore-) in the way of how he would let out steam in the underground. He goes out drinking and instigates a fight, intentionally or subconsciously, and ends up getting overpowered by a group of men, probably because of his drunkenness and perhaps because of the injured ankle he sustained after the meeting with the female titan. His injuries after the fight are significant and eventually, he's found in an alleyway (or something), by Erwin who's been worried about his mental state (cause obviously, Levi has been trying to hide it, all though rather poorly), and takes care of him.

I hope this isn't too specific 😅 I take requests myself and appreciate people being as thorough as possible. If not; take whatever you like and run with ut 😄😄

AHH THANK YOU FOR SUCH A DETAILED ASK!! good stuff right here^^ big brain moves^^

Fix You:

(AO3)

(warning: language, violence, a bit of a emetophobia and drinking ofc)

His heart ached.

It spread through his chest into every limb of his body, to the point where the horrible throbbing from his ankle felt like a slight ache in comparison.

Every time Levi lost someone, it broke away a little piece of him. Even though he’d never let it see the surface, there were several cracks underneath. When he found his squad; bloody, with limbs dangling from trees and branches, it broke off another rather large piece.

These were people he had trained closely. Erwin had trusted him enough to assign him a special leadership role in the Scouts and a special operations squad to suit it. When he trained them, he had drilled it into their heads everyday not to die. He gave them every bit of his knowledge on how to survive in the shitty world they had to endure.

He wasn’t a leader. He never had been. Unfortunate people just tended to follow behind him. Levi never knew the right thing to say or how to express what he was thinking, but his squad had still learned quickly. They were smart and skillful and he was… proud of them. Truly.

And their blood still painted that forest floor.

Levi knocked back another shot, numbing the pain for a moment longer. A fleeting escape from the horrors that crept into his mind yet again that night. He was dangling off of his bar stool as he slouched forward even further with his shoulders barely holding his head up. He flagged down the waiter for another round.

It wasn’t exactly clear what had driven him to the rougher side of town, to drown himself in shitty booze. It had a lot to do with his hands, which he refused to look down at. Every time he did, he saw red. Dark crimson. The blood of his comrades. Paired with the echo of radiating pain from his ankle. A pain, he felt, was well deserved.

He wasn’t even supposed to be walking on it, as much as possible at least. Hanji had given him grief about going to an actual doctor for the pain and the swelling. At the moment, he couldn’t find the will to care. As long as he could shove it into his boot and stumble his way into a bar for the night, then he was fine by his standards.

He downed another shot of whiskey, barely feeling the burn in the back of his throat any longer. The room spun, he huffed out a broken laugh quietly under his breath. It’d been years since he’d drank himself to this pathetic point. Not since the underground. Or maybe not since Farlan and…

He threw back the next shot and took in a sharp breath as he stubbornly blocked the memory from surfacing. His eyelids shut tightly as he tried to remove the thoughts of his failures from his mind. All the people he’d failed to protect. Despite his overwhelming strength.

Humanity’s strongest soldier…

What a load of bullshit.

He flagged down the bartender once more and asked for the whole damn bottle, slurring his words to the point of near incomprehension. The bartender didn’t seem to mind. Money was money. Even if his patrons drank themselves into a ditch. That’s how it went in these parts of town. Money was the only language anyone spoke, because money was the only way anyone could make it through the day.

It reminded him of home.

He slammed down his money and swiped the bottle from the counter, the bar spun wildly as he stood on his feet again. Levi had nearly forgotten about his injury, the sudden shift of weight onto his ankle sent him stumbling a bit. He hissed in pain, but only responded with another pull of the whiskey, straight from the bottle.

As the chilled night breeze hit him, Levi felt a sudden wave of disgust. It was the smell of sewage and grime. These alleyways were radiating with it. Swaying a bit, Levi grabbed out blindly for purchase. His palm found a brick wall, covered in something sticky. He winced, pain shooting up his leg as the alleyway walls spun dizzyingly around him.

The pain was welcome. In fact, he’d decided he didn’t deserve the numbness that the whiskey brought. He should feel it all. He’d gotten his comrades killed. Again. He wanted to feel something. To hit something.

Levi’s chance was walking down the other side of the alleyway, feet dragging confidently through the sludge of the streets. A group of men walking together, talking irritatingly loud in contrast to the quiet night streets Levi had enjoyed before.

“Haha! He was dumber than he looked!” One hollered confidently.

“What’d you expect from a son of a whore?” A burly man spit as he laughed, his dull voice echoing through the alleyway. He was obviously somewhat of a leader to them.

His last word perked Levi’s attention. He gripped his whiskey bottle tightly in one hand, nearly busting it into pieces.

“That’s a choice word there.” Levi lazily brought up a shaky finger, along with the whiskey bottle, to point in the direction of the burly man. Or at least where he thought he was. His vision was dancing.

The leader laughed a grating chuckle and crossed his arms in front of his chest. “What is, you drunk idiot? You got a problem with the word whore?”

“I gotta problem with your shit leaking face.”

Levi growled out his words with a half cocked smirk, looking much like a wild animal in the dark of the alleyway. Although his threatening appearance was subdued by the fact that he could barely balance on his feet, without the help of the wall nearby.

“Haha!” The man belly-laughed once more, drawing near, his companions followed closely behind him.

“You got some guts, short stuff. Got the chops to back that shit up?”

The leader rolled back his sleeves, his friends followed suit. They were all geared up to fight him. Levi laughed hollowly in the dark. A sick, empty, laugh influenced by the whiskey fueling his veins.

He swung hard at the burly man, a bit surprised to have connected with his jaw. Levi could barely see straight at this point. A hit was coming from his left, which he barely dodged sluggishly before grabbing the man’s arm with the hand that wasn’t still gripping his whiskey. He twisted it, breaking the man’s wrist.

Levi took a slow swig of the whiskey before he caught a glimpse of something shiny out of the corner of his eye, coming from his right. Someone had pulled a knife. Interesting.

It didn’t quite register properly until the next man lunged at him and he barely had the chance to grip his hand before the knife could plunge into his chest. This new face looked angry. Angrier that Levi had felt about the burly man’s comment. The cause of this chosen chaos. In fact, Levi wasn’t feeling much anger at all over this fight.

The knife drew closer and closer. Levi managed to smack it away, not a moment too soon. The sound of metal crossing the stone ground echoed over the heavy breathing of the group. Levi had placed a heavy weight on his ankle with his last move causing a bit of a wince to unconsciously form on his face. Before he could register what had happened, he felt an even more crippling shock ripple through his entire leg.

He gasped suddenly, vision darkening.

The whiskey bottle hit the ground, spilling the burgundy liquid all over the stone floor. Glass shards scattered all around.

The man had kicked him, hard, in his wounded leg. Right where he’d shoved his bruised, aching flesh into his boot. Levi’s legs gave out beneath him and his knees connected with the stone below with a loud thud. His palms hit glass in front of him as he could barely hold himself upright.

His head was spinning, swirling, and darkening his vision around the edges as he knew nothing but white hot pain for what felt like an eternity.

“I knew it! He’s got a bum leg!” The man who’d pulled the knife shouted gleefully to the remaining members of the crew.

He must’ve noticed Levi’s wince from before. The man sent another crack into Levi’s wounded leg, sending ripples of agony through his entire body. It sobered him to another level fairly quickly. The other men were getting to their feet again as Levi quivered on the ground in pain, gripping his palms into glass and whiskey.

Everything was dark around him as another anticipated strike came through, this one connected harshly with his ribs. There was a deafening crack of bone. There was nothing he could do but wait for the next impact. He couldn’t help but yell out in pain as the agony overwhelmed him. Levi nearly passed out as his head hit the cold stone, whiskey and grime covering one side of his face.

With the side of his face, not plastered to the ground, Levi could spot more legs swinging, connecting with his side, and more sounds of shouting. He couldn’t tell if the shouting was his own anymore. He couldn’t feel much of anything anymore, everything was fading out slow. He was fading.

There were six faces dancing around above him in his hazy vision. His head pounded as he tried desperately to get a grip on his consciousness.

Had there always been six of them? Or were they doubling from his drunken, wounded stupor? They all swirled into a confusing mess of faces. Ugly, contorted, swirling faces. He felt sick.

Another shock connected with his ribs. He heard another sickening crack over their laughs and hollers before his vision finally graced him with complete and utter darkness.

—

Another dead end and no sign of the captain.

At some point he was going to have to send out a missing report. Erwin was hoping it wouldn’t have to come to that, but after hours of scouring the near entirety of the city and finding nothing, he was beginning to accept the facts. Levi was missing.

Missing. Out of bed. Injured.

Erwin remembered when he first saw Levi’s leg after the expedition. He’d only caught a glimpse when Hanji was looking him over. It was horribly bruised and swollen, raw. A part of him blamed himself, he’d sent the captain to fight the female titan. Yet again, Levi had sacrificed a part of himself for humanity. His wounded leg was a sacrifice, but Erwin knew there were much heavier weights on him, paining him deeper than flesh would show.

This small section of town was not one he expected to find Levi in. It was full of filth and squalor. A familiar sight to that of the underground. Something he’d assumed Levi would never return to willingly.

A chill was in the air. Cool breeze passed on the outside of his hood as Erwin pulled it over his eyes. He turned into what he assumed was one of the last streets he hadn’t checked yet. There was a group of men who had just left an alleyway quickly, Erwin noticed a bit of blood on their clothes and faces, not exactly a shock in this part of town.

One man was gripping at his wrist and complaining loudly as they passed Erwin by.

“Piece of shit broke my wrist!” He cried out and kicked a stone on the ground irritatedly.

“Be glad it wasn’t your neck, I bet he would’ve been a lot more dangerous if his leg wasn’t busted. I think he was trained or something. Did you see the way…” Their conversation trailed off as they disappeared around a corner.

Erwin was no longer listening, he was more focused on a particular phrase in their conversation.

Busted leg? Erwin thought for a moment, fearing the worst in the back of his mind. It couldn’t be…

The commander broke into a quicker pace, sweat dripping nervously down the back of his neck as he followed the alleyway, where the men had come from. It was dark and smelled of filth, blanketed in whiskey. There was glass covering the ground as he walked further, he could hear it crunch underneath his boots with each step.

Out of the corner of his eye, Erwin caught a glimpse of black dress shoes. A body lay slumped up against the brick wall of the alley. A head of dark hair, shadowing a pale and bloody face.

Levi.

Erwin kneeled down quickly and placed a warm hand on his shoulder, attempting to rouse him gently. His body was shaking horribly, covered in his own blood and the scent of whiskey.

“Levi…? Please.” Erwin winced as his voice died in his throat. “Say something. Are you alright?”

There was no response. Erwin pushed his dark locks out of his eyes to get a better view of his face. The blood he’d spotted earlier was dripping from his lips which made him immediately check his torso for wounds. He couldn’t find any blood, but when he lifted his shirt carefully, he spotted it.

Erwin had looked emotionlessly at many wounds before, but this made him winced in sympathy. Seeing black and blue paint the side of Levi’s porcelain, perfect skin made him want to run and find those men from before. But no. Levi was the most important thing right now and he had injured himself even worse than before.

The thought over his previous injury crossed Erwin’s mind as he hesitantly lifted Levi’s pant leg. If the bruising on his torso was dark, his leg looked like the night sky. His bruises were black and dark purple, spiraling their way up to his knee. The flesh was swollen and warm to the touch when Erwin hovered his hand above it nervously.

How did this happen? Why was Levi here in the first place? He smelled heavily of alcohol, it was probably what was covering his clothes and turning his cheeks pink. Had he come here to get drunk? To start a fight in an alleyway?

It would be very uncharacteristic of him. But, of course, finding him here in the first place was very uncharacteristic. He wasn’t himself. He hadn’t been for some time now.

Without time to spare, Erwin pulled his cloak off of his shoulders and wrapped Levi’s broken, shivering form. He frowned as he watched the man continue to shake harshly despite the warmth of the cloth. He hadn’t even noticed Erwin’s presence, unusually unalert and dazed.

“It’ll be alright Levi. I’m here now.” His hands hovered over his chest. He’d have to carry him back. “I have to lift you. Please endure it for a moment, we’re not too far from my house.”

Erwin scooped him off of the filthy stone floor and into his warm hold as carefully as he could muster. Levi moaned in pain in his embrace, Erwin pulled him tighter against his chest as he brought them out of the dark alleyway and back into the light.

—

A bath was in order. Erwin knew Levi inside and out. He knew he wouldn’t be too keen on waking up smelling like alcohol and blood. He’d be better if he was cleaned up a bit and his wounds were wrapped. Erwin was determined to fix this. To fix him.

He laid Levi’s still, unconscious body carefully into his bathtub, kneeling beside him and washing off the dirt and the blood from his face with a cool rag. He was so delicate with him, like he was handling fragile glass.

Erwin surprised even himself with how carefully he guided the rag across Levi’s broken skin. He wasn’t used to being this careful and soft. War and death had all but stripped him of these qualities. But not with Levi. With Levi, he was different.

It had been a struggle carrying the captain back, with his wounds being so extensive. However, Erwin had made it to his house in record time without much unconscious complaint from the shivering form in his arms. He had been light. Far too light for Erwin’s liking.

He tried to ignore the way Levi’s collar bones stuck out slightly as he washed away soap and the whiskey smell with the soft scrub. Erwin couldn’t bear to glance at the curious patterns of bruises over Levi’s thin body or the way his chest rose and fell with a heavy struggle. He just continued to wash away the soap and water.

Erwin scooped a bit of water into his palms and washed it through Levi’s hair, watching as the last of the blood and whiskey found its way down the drain. As the water trickled through his dark hair, down the back of his neck, Levi stirred a bit but never opened his eyes.

“E-Erwin…” Levi breathed through his words, dazed and unaware of his own incoherent mumbles.

“I’m here, Levi.” Erwin gripped his slender hand tight and ran his other across the man’s creased forehead. “I’m right here. You’re alright.”

“No…” Levi mumbled, voice breaking as his eyes pinched together tighter. “Can’t leave me… Not you… too…”

“I won’t leave you Levi... I promise.”

Such promises were foolhardy in the work they did, but Erwin couldn’t stop himself from making it. He couldn’t stand the way his captain cried out in pain and heartbreak, it was worse than any gruesome scene he’d witnessed.

Levi leaned into his touch as Erwin cupped his palms around his cheeks and kissed his forehead gently. He didn’t know exactly what possessed him to do so, but it seemed to cause some relief from his captain so he allowed it.

Once he was clean, dry and warming up again, Erwin took him to his warm bed to rest finally. He dressed his wounds carefully, glad to see that Levi was finally resting somewhat peacefully. He hoped he could now sense his presence at least. To know he wasn’t alone tonight.

Erwin was concerned with the heat radiating from Levi’s ankle as he wrapped it. He was determined to get Levi to an actual doctor in the morning to look everything over. He would command him this time, to ensure he actually did so. For now, he placed a cool rag on the man’s forehead just in case a fever began, which was entirely likely.

He was in rough shape. Erwin had been lucky to find him when he did.

What if he hadn’t? Would he have caught his death in the chilled night? Or slept on the cold stone ground, injured and alone?

Erwin couldn’t understand Levi’s behavior. It wasn’t like him in the slightest. He was usually so level headed and composed. It made the commander ache to think that this sacrifice had made the man fall so low.

—

A dark ceiling was spiraling above him. One that seemed vaguely familiar. His head hurt too much to even try to deduce where the hell he was. There was a cool cloth placed on his brow, wrappings covered his ribs, palms, and leg, his shirt was missing.

All this spinning was aggravating.

He was going to be sick.

Levi crumbled off the side of the bed, hardly making it to the floor as his legs refused to hold him. His body was broken, defeated, exhausted beyond belief. A dizzying roll to his stomach made him clutch it in pain. There was a waste bin by the bed frame which he gratefully and regrettably clutched to his chest.

For a moment, nothing happened. He wished it would, feeling unbelievably nauseous and confused. But he could do nothing to help himself rather than sitting there, shakily clutching the bin.

“Levi…” A familiar whisper found him in the dark.

He jumped and lashed out with a blind strike that hit nothing but air. Erwin’s hand gripped his wrist softly and lowered it, slow. “It’s just me. You’re here with me, at my house.”

Levi’s chest collapsed in breath as he winced again and dry heaved into the bin. Nothing had come from it. He hadn’t eaten enough. He hadn’t eaten much at all… Since…

Blood… Everywhere…

He dry heaved again, gripping the bin with white knuckles. Erwin rubbed soft circles on his back. The familiar touch was welcome despite the circumstances.

“You haven’t been eating, have you?” He asked, quiet so as to not upset Levi further.

Levi didn’t respond. Not because he was unable, but because he simply did not want to. It was pointless. He couldn’t have stomached food. Not while looking at the blood on his hands as he chowed down. Not while his comrades were left bloody in those damn woods.

He slid the bin to the ground and brought his knees into his chest despite the pain it caused him. Levi rubbed cruel circles into his thigh as his wound echoed agony through his entire leg.

He heard Erwin inhale deeply.

“Levi… Why were you…? You can’t just do something like this. What if I hadn’t found you?”

“How did… you… find me?” Levi coughed slightly as his breath caught in his injured chest.

Something deep inside him almost wished Erwin hadn’t found him at all. He shut it away.

“I came to your room to check on you.” Erwin explained, sounding uncharacteristically nervous. “You weren’t there, so I went looking at your regular spots.”

Levi faced his head towards his chest and buried his face deeper, to try to escape this. He wanted to escape again. It was all too much.

“I didn’t think you’d be in the bar district. It was the last place I tried looking.”

He’s been looking for me all night then.

What an idiot.

“Why were you there, Levi?” His voice turned soft, a tone that only Levi had probably ever heard from the man. Something sacred between them.

“Why do you think?” Levi’s tone was more venomous than he intended. If his head wasn’t pounding, he might’ve corrected himself.

“I was worried about you.” Erwin maintained that soft voice despite Levi’s defensive nature. He placed a hesitant hand on the injured man’s knee.

“With everything going on, I can’t lose you too. I need you.”

He needs me, huh?

Why?

Levi hadn’t realized he’d asked it aloud.

“Why?” Erwin repeated his words back to him, looking damaged by the question. “Because…”

The words caught in his throat, at a loss for the right phrasing.

“You’re important to me. To humanity.”

Humanity…

It all feels like a bad joke…

What part of humanity am I even helping if everyone around me gets killed?

“Why’d you even let me train a squad? I just got them all murdered…” Levi felt his chest hitch.

“Their blood… Erwin…”

He finally risked a glance at his shaking hands and clenched his fists so hard he thought his fingernails might draw blood from his flesh.

“It’s all over my hands.”

Erwin was silent. Without his drawing of breath nearby, Levi wouldn’t have known he was even still there with him. But he was, he knew Erwin would never leave him alone right now.

“No matter how many times I scrub them…” He swallowed a wave of nausea as he could see the red start to blanket his palms again. He felt insane. “I can't clean the blood off.”

Suddenly, large warm fingers wrapped around his slender hands, steadying them for him.

“I can't either.”

Erwin’s voice was hoarse in the dark. He rubbed a thumb across the back of Levi’s hand softly, despite the pain in his voice.

“I’m sorry.” His words soothed something deep inside Levi’s aching chest. “We’ll never be able to wipe this blood away.”

Levi released a captive breath, leaning forward into Erwin’s chest despite the burning in his ribs. Erwin could soothe it. He could soothe this pain. Even just by a fraction. Levi sunk into him with fatigue in his bones.

“It reminds us of their sacrifice. What they did for humanity. What we will continue to do for humanity, with their strength fueling our fight.”

Humanity… Humanity’s Strongest…

Never strong enough to save anyone important though…

No one really needs me… Especially not like this…

Broken…

“Stop. You’ll regret it.” His deep voice was stern now. A command from years ago. A call back to reality. “You were a good leader to them. They did their duty well. Perfectly.”

“Don’t—” Levi’s voice caught in his throat.

“You taught them well. They were able to live as long as they did only because of you. Because of what they learned from their time with you.” Erwin brushed a hand through his hair softly and held him closer. “You did well by them. They were proud to die under your last command, I can promise you that.”

Levi wanted to argue, to refuse this, but he couldn’t find the strength behind words just yet. He could only be held tightly by his commander and hear his voice next to his ear.

“I saw the way they looked up to you. Worshipped you in some cases. Loved you in others. They would not do this if you weren’t worthy of it.” He pressed further. “Just the idea of you makes our soldiers confident in a future of freedom. It’s not just your physical capabilities, Levi. It’s the strength within you as well. That is why you’re important.”

He meant it. He meant every damn word. Levi had never heard someone speak so passionately about another person. With such vigor and honesty. It made his heart clench painfully in his broken chest.

“You have to continue. For them.” He whispered in Levi’s ear now, soft and comforting. “For me, as well. I need you, most of all.”

Tears finally found their way onto Levi’s cheeks, eyes turning red in irritation. He cursed himself and crumbled in Erwin’s arms completely.

“God it hurts… It hurts all over.” He couldn’t tell if he was talking about the pain in his heart or the pain in his body. It didn’t really matter as Erwin caressed him softly and made it fade for just a moment.

Erwin didn’t numb him like the alcohol had. He allowed him to feel, to cry, to express. And he held him tightly through it all.

Until the morning sun rose, finding them fast asleep in each other's embrace on the wooden floor. Soft rays of sunlight crossed their cheeks in unison.

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interestsofabookwormbitch · 3 years

Text

Season 1 Episode 5

Watching the next episode of Roswell

Wait wait wait! I just looked at the episode titles now, are they song titles! OMG I love that! Smells Like Teen Spirit is the episode after this one (that's how I figured it out) and it makes me so happy. I love Nirvana.

Ok, so here's the thing after the recap I just wanted to say. "After all I'm the one who killed those girls" but not Rosa... just saying.

Also, I know this was his thought process, two good lives compared to his shitty one, who do they ruin? Easy answer. The whole shebang. But I always hate that. Like not really but it makes me feel bad and I hate that mindset, love it from a storytelling perspective.

Ok back to this episode of which I have no idea why Isobel is out here alone. Love the crop circles though

See I like this argument though. Like genuinely Michael shouldn't be confessing because he matters too, but you know, with his mindset I doubt he cares. Making him aware of the dangers it poses to his family is more likely to work.

Sidenote: I mean technically speaking they should all confess since you know people died and all that, but I don't really care about those people, so....

Ok, so she went missing, and they're horrible at on the spot lies. Do I need to say "wonder what's up there?" I don't think I do.

Did he BUY that!? Oh my god

Oh he's speechless.🙄 I'm sorry. I know it's rude. And I like Kyle, I do, I just don't ship them. I mean, it's not gonna end up working, so why would I even bother trying.

I can't believe his mom knew all this and his it. I don't like that. Kyle's mom is kinda iffy at times. I get why she would (I think) but still.

Ok, that's gonna be important, but Idk what that thing is.

Kyle being shady. I do trust him now, but why does he have to keep secrets from Liz?

Oh! It's a recorder. Of some kind

Oh my. We have to talk with the conspiracy theorist. I don't mind that. It could be interesting.

She just cuts right to things.

So he's definitely too scared to talk, which I mean, fair enough. Also how did he disappear? Like she wasn't far behind him.

Cabin.

Alex! I missed him last episode. Also, sidenote, why is Kyle's second thought to break the window instead of, oh idk, scoping it out to see if anything is left open?

I'm gonna be honest, I didn't actually remember Noah's name until he introduced himself there. This really is a small town with everyone running into each other all the time.

Dude, Kyle's dad was so fucking shady omg. Like idk why he's connecting to these people, and just has so much hidden stuff. Weird dude (obviously on a less funny note he's extremely gross for getting with Rosa)

What's with the gun? Ah America. Lmao

Wait wait wait. Ok, unpacking this. A) blackouts, right around the end of high school, B) talk of Rosa as stressor, C) she doesn't know what happened. So like, am I reading too much into this or did Isobel kill Rosa? Cause I think she did. Accidentally by the sound of it, but tbh I wouldn't expect her to do that intentionally.

I was about to say I like seeing old friendships, but then things a turn. Oof. Bullying, homophobia, this is not good childhood memories like I thought we were gonna get. This cabin just got awkward

I love when someone asks "how much longer?" And it's immediately followed by something happening.

Fucking, guy who believes everything is normal, "don't open that. Bad things." Guy who knows about aliens and the existence of creatures outside of what we know and also experiments and government conspiracies "ah nothing bad could possibly be down there."

So why does Isobel blackout but the other two apparently don't?

And there's a big bed. Why, idk, but it's here.

First of all, poor Alex, literally life had to suck so hard for him, I can't imagine living life with no one real loved ones. Like I have 6 siblings, you know, hard to not have one of them be attached to you.

But anyways, see, now Alex is arguing if Kyle's dad was a good guy, and like, it pulls into questions which way this story is gonna go. With this it looks like it's gonna go he's not bad, but then what's withthe letter? Wasn't it a love letter? I'm confused

Girl just broke in! Was there no other way? Why does everyone resort to breaking windows in this town?

Yeah, I saw him being there coming. That was obvious after she went to unplug

Ok, was it not a love letter? Is that why it's possible this was just a detoxt?

Confetti gun, cause even if you can't legally own a gun in America you still need to have one

Ok, these three feel so much like siblings here, and I always have to stop to appreciate it cause so many things get siblings wrong.

This time! And truth comes out😬.

😲 why did I not see this twist coming! I'm quite literally speechless rn

Holy shit! I was pausing to say something and the gu went off. Another good twist! Why are there so many twists!? Help this show is actually good. So far I think this is my favourite episode.

How does she know what gun he has?

Oh back to the three of them. That's bad. I thought she was like investigating Rosa or something back then too, that's why they made her leave, but it was literally just cause Max liked her. Like I'm sorry, but that crosses boundaries. Making life changing decisions without the people who's lives your changing.

Fhskfhdskhd. Ok, they gonna be feeling guilty though. Like man, seeing his reaction hearing him be so broken, must hurt knowing you caused someone you love all that pain.

Also, finding her, yes please! She's kinda in danger rn.

Lmao, the gun! I hate that I laugh at it.

Holy shit that's that guy! Is that family bad guys? Omg I'm so confused help

Look, we love a girl who will fight, but tbh, not the best idea. Kinda sucks though cause I can't think of anything better, so A for effort

IS HE PLANNING ON BURNING HER ALIVE! Bitch why!? Like you could've just shot her. This is way too brutal, thank God she won't actually get hurt

Ok, I thought Max was gonna end up saving her and I was low-key rolling my eyes at damsel in distress, but the fact that she got out on her own? 👌 Also Wyatt is dumb. How do you mess up murder that badly?

Ok, so Kyle's dad good apparently. Yay

Anyways. Alex's dad? He fucking disgusts me. He can choke

Aw Kyle, I like that. I hope they can get over that bad phase, cause I'm really digging this friendship. And also I want to hug Alex rn. He kinda needs it

Yeah, he was gonna be dead

Symbolism! Shot in the same spot she was, by the same guy too! Ok ok ok. Um, I was thinking somethings gonna happen and he'll be fine, then I remembered the picture thing I mentioned earlier with Max being see through and now I'm terrified.

Ambulance is here. It's ok. He can be saved. I'm freaking out guys, this episode doesn't stop (unless I pause it of course) it's been an hour and a half and I still half 10 minutes. The episode is 40 minutes.

Ok it's all good. He's safe. Now a moment for him and Liz.

Oh, Noah's confronting her. I mean, fair enough, he's been worried all day.

Well shit. I didn't think it'd get to this point. Like I thought it was gonna be just "where were you? What's going on?" But I should have known we weren't pulling punches today. Things are coming to a head with these two too, the bottles, the lies. Isobel, I feel like you have to tell him.

I feel so bad for her. Like I get why he's doing this. A relationship can't work if there's lies, but she feels she has to lie. It sucks

Ok, yeah, digging into your dead father's history can do that. Also did the actor for Kyle play someone named Tyler? Cause every now and then I want to call him Tyler. Not as much as I want to call Alex Caleb (not even close) but still

What is Alex finding right now? Ajdgkszosysk that's the alien tech omg! He's finding out too!

Aw! I just need Max and Liz to get together right now. Of course it always comes back to Rosa

Yes! Tell people. Michael's right.

Uh, there's one more secret

Shit! Liz has put it all together! Omg I was right it was Isobel! Yes! And no, because like it sucks for her. But yay I'm right!

Fuck me! Ok! Hands down my favourite episode thus far! Like easily. Anyways, it makes me mad that I need to sleep. I want to just keep watching.

#rnm liveblog #roswell new mexico

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xhold-on-tightstay-stongx · 5 years

Text

I have another rant... sorry

So... I have been off my meds for a while... and it's been causing problems between me and my family... I'm not off of them by choice... I lost my insurance and have been having problems with the insurance company. So anyways, I baby sit some little kids that live next door to me and I do it so I can have some extra money and be an overall good person and maybe even be a good mom someday... but, the thing is, my mom and I have been doing nothing but fight the last few days and I often find myself wondering if it's because I haven't had all the medications that keep my brain functioning like a normal persons... even more, I know that it in all reality is my fault we're fighting so much. I spend a lot of time on my phone and doing stuff for other people that it's like I dont do anything for my mom. But I would do anything for her if she wanted me... I dont know if I am intentionally trying to build up walls around myself to make it less painful for when I leave or if I am trying to distance myself because I don't want her to see how shitty I've been doing lately. I love her with my whole heart that every time we fight I end up crying and thinking she hates me... which I know isnt true and I know that she loves me and supports whatever I do in my life. But we still fight and argue and everything is a mess because I cant function like a normal adult because I can't control my moods or emotions or stay focused on something. And that's the major problem for me... I get distracted and then I end up going into my own little world of whatever and forget what I'm supposed to be doing. I try to be a good daughter... I've been trying to be better than I was yesterday for the last 5 years. Some days I'm good at it... some days I utterly suck at it... I've only had one big achievement in my life and that was getting past the ideation and the self harm and made it to the next day. All my other achievements were pretty minor... I graduated on time... I started college... I turn 20 tomorrow... but honestly... what I really want is to be able to make my mom happy and it not be a constant fight between her and I anymore. I dont like fighting with her and I don't like knowing that it could have been avoided if I was just able to function normally. I would love for a day where it could be just me and my mom without her feeling bad or me feeling bad and for us to get along and for us to have fun together again... I miss being able to go do things with her and not stressing out about if things got done at home or if my dad will be in a bad mood when he gets home or anything like that. I want to be able to have my mom back to where we used to be... before I was fucked up and had to rely on my medications to make me feel normal and for me to feel like I wasn't on the edge of a mental explosion constantly or waiting for something to go horribly wrong. I miss the days when things weren't bad and when it was ok for us to argue about something and then we would make up with an "I'm sorry" and a hug. Now any more it's an "I'm sorry" and it gets twisted around into something even worse than before.

I know it sounds prolly stupid to alot of people and like an excuse for my actions and why I've been such a shitty person and lousy daughter but I have been dealing with Bi-polar type 2 for the last 5 years, anxiety, different forms of depression, insomnia and, constant migraines, I was also diagnosed with ADHD at 12 and have been on medications for all of this since the diagnosis. 5 years ago, I wanted to kill myself it was for reasons that I don't want to get into at the moment. I spent a week in the hospital getting the help I needed and my mom was always right there with me saying that we would get through it together. And we have, but lately it's just felt like she's tired of my shit... I try and get things done for her, but I either don't do it right or I start one thing then move to another then another and then another and one project never gets finished before another one starts or I get distracted by something and I forget to do what she asked...

I know that she feels under appreciated and like she does nothing but clean, but without her being the amazing woman she is I would never have gotten as far as I am now and I wish she would understand that.

I feel like such a horrible daughter because I can never do things the right way or I inevitably start a fight for something minor. And I was even told by one of my doctors that I tend to lash out at the people I care most about and trust the most as a defense mechanism and because I know that they wont leave me for it... but I still feel like I am the one who is the problem when I have little control over things that I do...

I hope people reading this will understand that I am not just some entitled little brat that is bitching because her mommy yelled at her.

I am writing this because I need to get what is eating at me out and hopefully someone will care enough to check in on me but if not that's ok too.

I also want people to understand something. I've almost lost my mom 4 different times. The first time was the night my little sister was born... my mother almost died that night along with my sister. She was in an accident and was taken to the hospital by ambulance and was really hurt for along time. Third time was an accident that should have killed her, it is a honest miracle that I still have her to this day. She was rear eneded at 55mph while she was at a dead stop and she suffered from head trauma amongst other things. The fourth was right after she was in the last accident. She had a severe allergic reaction to the nerve pain medication that they gave her. I said that I wouldn't be as strong as I was or where I am in my life without her. And that's why.

I am a total mommy's girl. And I can't imagine a world without her in it.

I wish she knew that though. I wish she knew that she is my entire world and my heart stops every time I hear sirens and that she is my hero. My mom is my best friend and the woman I look up to most in the world and some day I hope to be just like her. Strong and resilient. She's been my rock when my world was being swept away and she held my hand and told me that everything was going to be ok when I wanted to die. I wish she could see the amazing woman I see when I see her.

I know that this rant was a bit all over the place but I really needed to get everything out...

#possible triggers #trigger warning #rant #sorry i needed to vent #anxeity #bipolar #adhd #depression #my thoughts

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mikeshanlon · 4 years

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goddd I cannot believe u have read iwwv u don't know me but for some reason we watch like.. the same shows and now books lol. anyway can I ask what were ur thoughts on the ending? like to me at least it was onvious Oliver had not done it and he wasn't gonna pull a unreliable narrator last minute (despite being an unreliable narrator) I'm talking abt the whole uhh James is a**** thing.. like what HAPPENS NEXT? is he w wren? also I feel so bad for meredith like girl love urself.. sry 4 the essay

omg yes taste!!!! Also no I’m dying to talk abt this novel so don’t apologize if anything im sorry bc I wrote way too much answering ur question LGRNLRGN

IF WE WERE VILLIANS SPOILERS UNDER THE CUT go read it if u haven’t it’s legendaric

Okay the ending!!!! AH!!!! Okay yeah so I think it’s clear Oliver did not do it, I think the ambiguity lies more whether or not James intentionally killed Richard or if it was an accident. Like, did he see Richard stumbling out in the woods hella intoxicated and think to himself that this was the perfect opportunity to get revenge for all the abuse and torture Richard had been terrorizing him with??? Did he lie to Oliver? Personally, I believe James that it was an accident… of sorts. I don’t think James set out with the intention to kill Richard at all. But Richard was goading him and fighting him and after the buildup of cruelty and tension between them over the past few months, Richard be a homophobic dick and calling James and Oliver qu*er and prodding at the most important relationship in James’ life struck a nerve. So when Richard wanted to keep fighting and hurt him again he was like fuck this and he hit Richard too hard with the hook and that in tandem with Richard being drunk caused Richard to fall and die. And, like the others, James felt awful but there was a sort of sick sense of relief.

(Also, I’m not exactly sure Oliver counts as an Unreliable Narrator. I mean he is certainly keeping some things from that detective guy but, and I was reading something from M.L. Rio about this, like he’s literally just oblivious and dumb as fuck sometimes LKGNLRGLKNRG. So idk how often he’s intentionally Unreliable but I also get what you mean)

Anyways I’m totally a believer that James is alive bc despite enjoying dark stories im like okay but I need a happy ending LGKNLKRGlkenlgneg. Like c’mon they never found the body……….. A metaphorical death and shedding of his past life bc he blames himself for Oliver taking the fall is like the MOST tragic hero Shakespearean shit ever like it just works so well!!!!!! The part where Oliver describes the last time James visited him in jail…

“Oliver I’m begging you,” he said. “I can’t do this anymore.” When I refused again, he pulled my hand across the table, kissed it, and turned to leave. I asked where he was going and he said, “Hell. Del Norte. Nowhere. I don’t know.” (343).

GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDd. God. Anyways I think that was very telling of his plans. Hell (for “committing suicide”, moreso for all of his wrong doings). Del Norte is the beach that him and Oliver slept on that one night and so I feel like that place holds a lot of significance for them, but it’s a place only those two know the significance of. So, I like to think he ran away there and started a new life. He wrote that letter with the disjointed Pericles monologue I think to hint to Oliver that he was at Del Norte, if he wanted to find him, because even though his “death” was a self-punishment for ruining Oliver’s life, he still cares for him a lot and doesn’t want to be without him. Like a whole monologue about the sea????????? The fact that he literally said the monologue to Oliver while they were at Del Norte?? “To give my tongue that heat to ask your help; / Which if you shall refuse, when I am dead, / For that I am a man, pray see me buried.” LIKE WHAAAAAAAAAAT god !!!! Also water is gay<3 and in my heart Oliver goes and finds him and they like work through shit and are together.

Anyways I don’t really think he’s with Wren. Their relationship during senior year was always sort of ambiguous to me…. Like they definitely got super close, they probably were romantically involved in some capacity (since other characters like Alexander who is much more perceptive were like Oliver how did it take you this long to notice LRGNRGNK) though idk if it was like the Encompassing Love Affair Oliver thought it to be bc he’s oblivious and jealous. And also like James was very much enamored with Oliver so idk. (EDIT i just remembered they slept together LMAO but i think my point still stands) In the epilogue Wren is in London and is a recluse and doesn’t reach out to any of the Villains which like. Good for her LRGNRLG even though I hated Richard I can’t imagine like how much of a toll that took on her to see her cousin die and all their friends be like uh yeah we should let him die and then have to keep up a lie like… even though she agreed Richard was awful that has to be so heart wrenching (badumtss) and life ruining. So I think she especially wouldn’t want to be with James seeing as he essentially led Richard to fall into the lake, though I’m not sure if she knows that or not.

And Meredith!!!! Like I’ll be real sometimes she frustrates me but I think she’s also SUCH an interesting and realistic character (which is something I love about this novel, all the characters are interesting to me and I like how the female characters are portrayed.... like i LOVE Fillipa she is such a bad ass bitch but again she’s not just like. Expected to always be strong and clever like she’s got feelings too. Anyways love her). As I said before I was perusing through the author’s tumblr a bit and ppl were like “omg why did Meredith go through all the male friends” like BYEEE literally feeding into the stereotypes that made her feel insecure and weak… (Also again, they’ve known each other for four years… so its not that insane lmao). I think Meredith’s relationship with her sexuality and beauty is very interesting and relatable for a lot of women (I mean I am not. Like a seductive femme fatale like she is but LGKNKRGN). On one hand she is definitely a multifaceted person who is more than her sexuality, on the other, she’s constantly Literally Cast by Gwendolyn in sexualized roles and seen as sexualized by her friends/bf (Richard) and constantly told her worth in and out of the theatre is her body. Like there is an interesting duality about the power she possesses with her sexuality but also the extreme insecurity that is bred by being constantly sexualized and this struggle of like knowing she has worth outside of her body but also sort of … not in the eyes of others. That scene where they’re doing those exercises of their strengths and weaknesses really Hit. Anyways yes Meredith love urself queen… get a hot respectful gf… become a powerful successful legend…..

Related-ish sidenote, obviously I like James and Oliver together the most though I will say Meredith and Oliver’s relationship was interesting though ultimately unhealthy…. Like one of the aspects I like about their relationship is Oliver respects Meredith and when he realizes he is falling into that idea that Meredith is this super sexualized person he’s like hold awn that’s shitty of me… But also I think the fact of the matter is that their relationship was catalyzed by shitty stuff,,, like lust and the need for revenge. Like I honestly don’t really think they would’ve gotten together if not for the extreme animosity with Richard and the adrenaline of like that whole show run and more particularly That Night…. It feels like they got together because they were drunk and they’re attractive, which like yeah fine valid, but also, subconsciously, to be like fuck you Richard. Like, guess what I’m with the guy who you’re constantly saying doesn’t matter. And also seeking comfort and validation when their most important people are not valuing them (Richard being literally fucking awful to Meredith, James sort of pushing Oliver away—again I think subconsciously was sort of a revenge jealousy type thing where Oliver is with the person that James doesn’t really like and makes not amazing comments about being promiscuous). And then their relationship I think keeps going because like. Wow grief is a bitch and they want some comfort. Meredith is drawn to Oliver because he’s one of the only people who values her for more than just a sexual object which like is What She Deserves but their relationship is like a mess of sex and guilt and Oliver is in love with James (the parts where Meredith drags Oliver for caring more about James… iconic as she should! Like when Oliver is like sorry James is visiting me I’m not coming or when she’s like are you more jealous of him or me when they kissed for that scene….. OOP!). Anyways idk if that makes sense but I find Oliver and Meredith’s relationship interesting bc it’s not like… the worst unhealthy relationship ever or anything and I think there is genuine care and love/attraction there between them but like Oliver is never going to totally Be What Meredith deserves especially because like… he loves James more. Also the part where Meredith slaps Oliver when he gets out of jail and he’s like yeah I deserve that is so GLKNRglkenrgnrg to me.

Anyways I probably have more thots but wow. This is long. Sorry LGRNLKRGNng

#if we were villains #books #anon #ask #okay i edited something and idk why tumblr glitched the fuck out at least on my dash but i added the read more again...#tumblr is a broken hellscape <3

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littlebitofbass · 7 years

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Hi Jen! I'm a new ed fan and lately some people in my country's fandom started being really mean towards new fans. There's a M&G contest and I don't want to participate because old sheerios say that since I'm a new fan I don't deserve it. I'd really love to meet Ed, I've discovered him late, but also at the perfect time, right after I've experience one of the most difficult things in my 25 years. I feel like I'm so late to the party, and that I'm really bad fan :(

New fan pt.2 Circumstances in my life cause me to shut down from things I enjoyed when I was young, by the end of 2016 I was really depressed and then he come back. Thanks to my 15-year-old niece I started listening to him more, first ÷ and then obviously fell in love with + and x (speacially +) I just didn’t know there was so much more than TOL. Now I’m trying to listen and learn everthing I can. Your blog has been very helpful, thanks for spreading your Ed wisdom to newbies like me

Hello! I’m so sorry that other fans have made your experience here rough. I honestly think there is no bad time to discover Ed’s music. It only makes sense that we all come across different things at different times. You can’t help when you find something, and there’s no way to speed up or slow down the process, especially if you don’t know what it is you’re looking for until after you find it. You know? And just because someone randomly discovers a thing before or after you do, that doesn’t have anything at all to do with whether or not they’re a “good” fan or “deserve” anything more than any other fan. Let me show you one of my favorite things Ed himself has ever said about becoming a fan:

He actually tweeted that a little before I discovered him myself, but it used to get shared around all the time. Back when this fandom was a bit smaller and more welcoming, I guess. But the point is that we’re not and never have been some sort of exclusive club with rankings based on how long we’ve been around, and anyone who treats this fandom like it’s a thing that’s not allowed to grow and change or thinks new fans shouldn’t be allowed the same opportunities as older fans is trying to make this whole thing into something other than what it is. The truth is there’s no hierarchy here. No one is even running this place like an organized group. We’re literally just a big crowd of people who all like the same music, and everyone here holds exactly the same level of importance as everyone else. Trying to assign more significance to some of the people in the crowd than others is pointless and silly. I suppose the fans you’re talking about just want to feel like they are special… but I think there are only two ways to look at it: either no one here is special, or everyone is. I prefer the second one. :)

If it makes you feel any better, though. You’re not alone in your experience. There are actually quite a lot of people from a lot of different countries who feel the same way as you – that because they’re new, that makes them bad fans. Nothing could be further from the truth! There’s also a lot of pressure to learn everything you can learn about Ed and his older music as quickly as possible so people won’t think you’re… fake, I guess? But something to keep in mind - both for older and newer fans - is that no one can instantly know everything there is to know about something as soon as they find it. You know? And “testing” people on their knowledge of older stuff just so you can judge them is mean and uncalled for.

I remember I went to a concert once in 2013, and it was a One Direction concert but I was wearing an Ed Sheeran t-shirt, and since I went to the concert alone I tried to talk to the girls who were sitting behind me. One of them noticed my shirt and immediately started testing me to see if I was a “real” Ed fan, like asking me my favorite song off Loose Change, clearly expecting me not to have ever listened to anything but +. She was impressed with my answer, but gosh it made me angry that she thought it mattered, like I wasn’t worthy of wearing Ed on my shirt if I only knew The A Team and Lego House. Which is so not the case. If you like Ed’s music – any of it! – then you should feel proud to wear his merch, not wary that some stuck-up person is going to give you an exam. Coincidentally, that was the same day that Ed had followed me on twitter, and I didn’t have a smart phone at the time and hadn’t talked to anyone about it – I was still a little bit shocked over it, really – so I told the girl just so I’d have someone to fangirl with, and right away she pulled out her phone to check and see if I was lying. :/

I think we probably all have experiences like this within our fandom. I like to say that we’re a big group of great people, and I do think that there are tons of great people around here, but there are also people like this girl, and like the fans that have given you a hard time. It doesn’t stop once you’re not new anymore, either. I’ve been around for a while and I get hassled online all the time. Every day, actually. I mostly don’t post the shitty messages I get, but I can’t remember the last time I checked my inbox and didn’t have at least one message either insulting me or insulting Ed or someone close to him. Some of them are super easy to ignore, like the ones that just say “fat” and “stupid” but there are also those passive-aggressive messages from people who hate you specifically but whose friends probably wouldn’t consider them a troll, questions intentionally designed to make you feel bad by playing on insecurities, the kind that are like, “Don’t you think that Ed probably finds you annoying?” or “Your last post made me cringe. Aren’t you embarrassed that Ed might see it?” or even, “Why do you think your opinion on his music even matters to anyone? Just curious.” Of course, those answers are 1. No 2. Nope and 3. Literally someone asked me my opinion, but I tend to immediately delete the question and/or block the user and pretend they never existed because I refuse to let some anonymous asshole take up space on my blog with their horse shit. Sometimes I also turn off anon asks for a while when that happens (which is what I’ve done now).

I guess what I’m saying is… some people are mean. Some people think it’s acceptable to treat others poorly. And just because we like the same music doesn’t mean we’re going to get along all the time. But you can’t let that sort of thing stop you from being you, doing what you like to do, and enjoying the good experiences that also come from being in Ed’s fandom – like winning a meet and greet if you can. I promise you will be able to find other fans in your country who aren’t rude. Maybe they will end up being your best friends! Just please don’t let the haters affect your sense of self worth. You’re better than that.

#reply #fandom

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