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artificialqueens · 11 months

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🏳️‍🌈 The Miracle of Living Pt.2 - Lita

In this world we're just beginning To understand the miracle of living

Lmao I had you in the first half, this is not just a cutesy slice of life family AU and actually gets fucking awful and tragic from here on out, you have been warned. This was originally meant to be a single story but I decided to chunk it into two halves just so it's not unreadably long, which means ALL the suffering gets to be consigned into whatever this is. Anyway, see other part for author notes and shit, apologies in advance xo

Summary: Adore is an adult now, and life is simpler for Bianca. Until an unexpected tragedy shatters her world, and her relationship with her daughter.

TW: Major character deaths, parental loss, accidental overdose, suicidal thoughts

[1] NEW MESSAGE Ben Putnam ✨🏳️‍🌈 12/9/46 19:08 jinkx is about to call you freaking tf out - don’t listen to them, im basically fine. got into an accident driving home, i look kinda banged up and i think my shoulders dislocated but nothing serious. pls call adore and tell her - if she says shes gonna ditch her concert or anything like that dont let her, she doesnt need to worry. if ur not busy and feel like coming to see me id like that (and i think jinkx could use some moral support lol, theyre taking this harder than i am) but don’t let j convince u that im on my deathbed. love ya, bitch! b xoxo

*****

November 12th, 2046

“Bea…”

Jinkx stands up as Bianca enters the waiting room. Their voice is cloying - too sickly. Too sympathetic.

Of all of Ben’s various partners since the divorce, Jinkx was definitely Bianca’s favorite. Bianca had been Ben’s maid of honor (or ‘cunt of dishonor’ as he’d affectionately christened her) at their wedding last spring. Jinkx is kind, sensitive - their eccentricities line up perfectly with Ben’s, they’re a good step-parent to Adore, as resistant as she’d been to having a step-parent. However, Jinkx under pressure is prone to amateur dramatics - Ben’s text prediction regarding the nature of their impending phone call had been totally spot-on.

So Bianca is surprised to see that they look drained - not sad. Not scared. Just tired - their shock of red hair disheveled, eyes puffy and face moist with half-dried tears. Bianca grips the strap of her purse a little tighter. She hadn’t expected this. They had been all catastrophe and hysterics on the phone - sobbing like their life depended on it. Why are they so calm?

Per Ben’s instructions, Bianca hadn’t dropped everything to go to him. She’d been working late, supervising a bunch of bored, annoyed teenagers doing stocktake - she hadn’t exactly bided her time, heading straight for the hospital as soon as she’d clocked out, but she also hadn’t exactly rushed.

Two lanes of the freeway were closed because of a car wreck. She figured it wouldn’t be the same one - it couldn’t have been that bad if Ben was awake, coherent, and texting her. As the backed-up traffic crawled past the remains of the scene at five miles an hour, she’d tried not to look. She knew she shouldn’t have looked. But she looked anyway - she’d caught sight of the remnants of Ben’s car at the front of a pile-up, crushed from behind by a smoldering pickup truck, and felt the sting of vomit rising up at the back of her throat. The driver’s side door looked intact. That was something. Ben was fine. Ben had told her himself that he was fine. So Ben was fucking fine.

On the drive to the ER, Bianca called Adore - anxiety twisting below her ribcage, visions of shattering glass and crumpling metal scorching into her eyelids every time she blinked, desperate for a distraction. The phone had been picked up by her weirdo manager, Winona or Wilma or whatever her name was, who’d decided that a call from her mom, regardless of the matter at hand, wasn’t important enough to bother Adore with before a gig, and had hung up.

And now she’s been taken into a side room that feels like a fucking morgue, and Jinkx is acting so calm and kind that it’s nauseating. This feels weird. There’s a bible on the table in the middle of the room. What the fuck is happening?

Jinkx reaches out, and pulls Bianca into an oppressively tight hug. Bianca squirms, determined to extricate herself from the stifling embrace and start asking questions. She’s never known Jinkx to act anything but weird, but this was bizarre even by their standards. When they break away, Jinkx takes Bianca’s hand. It sets her teeth on edge.

“Jinkx, what’s going on?” Bianca’s voice comes out sterner than she would have liked.

“Did you call Adore?”

What kind of fucking response is that?

“I tried. Her manager picked up - she’s at a gig, I’ll talk to her tomorrow.”

“I really think you should try and talk to her now.”

Bianca really doesn’t like Jinkx’s tone. She also doesn’t know what to do with herself. She figured she was here as emotional support for Jinkx, who seems fine if a bit off-kilter and cryptic - or as a proxy for Adore, who was performing and/or wasted in Austin, enjoying the sudden and somewhat random success of her previously struggling music career.

“Jinkx, where’s Ben? What happened?”

Jinkx grimaces. They try to convince her to sit down - urging her towards a ugly upholstered chair with their lips pursed. Bianca doesn’t move.

“Jinkx.” Bianca repeats herself more insistently, folding her arms. Jinkx sits down, clenching their jaw and breathing shakily. “Where the fuck is Ben? I need to see him."

“…he died, Bea.”

Bianca’s blood turns to ice in her veins. She takes a sharp breath in.

“What do you mean he died?” Bianca’s voice is thin. Jinkx doesn’t say anything. “He texted me - he was fine like, an hour ago.” Jinkx stays silent. Bianca feels like she’s going to throw up. Why won’t they say anything? “He’s- Jinkx, what do you mean he fucking died?”

“They thought he was fine,” Jinkx sniffs. “There were other people from the wreck who were hurt worse than he was - he kept saying he was okay so the doctors would focus on them, and then he coded out of nowhere. I think they said he was bleeding in his abdomen or something - nobody realized until it was too late. He was sitting up and talking to me, then he…” Jinkx stops, swallowing hard. Their eyes have welled up.

“Why didn’t you call me? I would have tried to get here faster.” Bianca’s knees are shaking. She can’t move - can’t admit to the failure of her emotions. Frightening and all-consuming as they are. She’s still wearing her work lanyard, and it feels utterly stupid. Why hadn’t she just fucking left? Why had locking up a goddamn store she could burn to the ground without losing sleep been more important than this? Than Ben?

“I didn’t know how to.” Jinkx won't make eye contact with her. “I couldn’t tell you over the phone - it didn’t feel right.”

Bianca sits down before she collapses. Her hands are shaking. Her throat hurts like she needs to cry, but there are no tears. She isn’t crying, and she won’t - not until it’s essential.

“But you were- you shouldn’t have waited all this time on your own. I would have been here sooner.” Bianca is barely able to talk. “I’m sorry.”

She doesn’t even know what she’s talking for - trying to fill the awful, empty air with some sort of noise, even if it is wilted platitudes. She’s horribly aware of her own breathing; how hard it is, how much effort it’s taking, how it feels like she’s choking. It’s like she’s drowning in the air and the silence - like a goldfish dropped out of the bowl.

Jinkx puts an arm around her shoulders. There are tears rolling down their cheeks.

“I really think you should call Adore again.”

Adore. Adore didn’t get to say goodbye - Adore didn’t fucking know. That was her fucking dad, and she loved him, and she’d never-

Bianca stops. Something in her brain ticks. A somber conversation at the kitchen table.

“His, uh- his advanced directive. San Juni-whatever - Cookie heaven-“ Bianca blurts out, ejecting the words as soon as they appear in her head. The comfort feels cold, but it’s comfort nevertheless.

She looks at Jinkx. Their face has crumpled. They’re shaking their head. No.

“They tried - it all happened too quickly, it didn’t work. He was gone before they could…” Jinkx bites their lip. “I’m sorry - I know how much it means- meant to him, I know he wanted…”

Bianca shakes her head, trying to get Jinkx to stop talking. It isn’t fair - they’ve just lost their husband, and yet it’s them trying to comfort her?

“It’s okay.”

It’s not. But Jinkx rests their head on Bianca’s shoulder anyway, and Bianca takes their hand, even though she feels like she’s only making everything worse. What warmth is she capable of? Her presence isn’t doing anything besides forcing Jinkx to stir up their own raw emotions, and reminding them both of the cavernous space between them that Ben’s daughter should be filling.

Bianca fumbles her phone out of her purse with her shaking hands as Jinkx cries a wet patch into her collar. She needs to call Adore.

*****

November 24th, 2046

The silence in the kitchen is uncomfortable. Neither Adore nor Bianca knows how to fill it. Ben’s funeral was yesterday morning. Bianca doesn’t know if Adore is okay, but she doesn’t know what to say to her either. She hasn’t seen her cry yet.

She’s exhausted. The last couple of weeks have been a terrible, sleepless headfuck. All of the funeral planning and formality had fallen into Bianca’s lap - Jinkx had been too distraught to try and think about it, and she couldn’t ask Adore. It was the only real help she’d been able to offer; if there’s one thing that Bianca knows for a fucking fact, it’s that she’s awful at providing comfort. But as usual, she’d taken too much on, and she hadn’t had time to process what had happened - time to grieve, or even just to fucking take a breath and figure out where her own head was at.

Bianca feels hollow. And Adore won’t speak to her. She’s sitting at the dinner table, with her bright blue hair piled on top of her head in a sloppy ponytail, wearing some tattered band shirt that doesn’t really fit her, and she seems…fine. She’s been home since Ben died, but they’ve been floating around the empty house on two completely different planets; barely making eye contact with each other, let alone talking. There’s a mug of coffee turning cold in Bianca’s hand, and her daughter won’t meet her gaze.

Adore fidgets with the hair-tie around her wrist. She looks nervous.

“Listen, Mom-”

“Are you okay?” Bianca blurts out, and then cringes - Adore looks at her with frustration in her glazed-over eyes.

“I need to tell you something.”

“What’s up?” Bianca tries to inject some warmth into her voice.

“I know I said I’d stay for a little longer, but I’m…”

Oh god. Bianca already doesn’t like where this is going. She clenches her teeth, trying to contain the stupid, defeated little whimper she can feel rising into the back of her throat.

“I got a call from my manager this morning. My new single drops in a week, and there’s- this big-deal band wants me to open for them on their tour. It’s two months on the road, and I know that I shouldn’t- I mean, it’s a huge opportunity, and the money is really fucking good, and I’m…” Adore’s words are stilted and awkward.

Bianca takes a second to compose herself.

“When would you be leaving?” Bianca eventually says. It’s the most neutral question she can think of, and her words come out flat and unbothered. She can’t say what she really wants to - can’t beg her to stay, can’t argue back. Can’t take this from her.

“Day after tomorrow,” Adore says to the floor, still wringing her hands awkwardly.

“And why do you sound like you’re asking for permission to go?"

“Because- I don’t know.” Adore says, equally lacking in emotion. It’s felt for the last couple of weeks like she and Bianca have just been going through the motions of their relationship without any feeling. “I mean- fuck, you’re my mom. And everything is just- I can’t leave you right now. If you said no, then I can’t...”

“Why do I have to say no?” Bianca tilts her head. Her neck is stiff from the sleepless nights.

“Because I don’t want to.”

That answer frustrates Bianca, and she can tell from Adore’s body language that she knows it. Adore picks at a loose thread on her shirt - she’s never been able to sit still. Bianca pinches the bridge of her nose.

“I’m not gonna be the bad guy, Dorey - even if you want me to. We’re talking about your career here - not doing it would be fucking stupid,” Bianca says, toneless and insincere again. She pauses. “Do they know that your dad just died?”

“…No,” Adore grimaces. The first small twinge of emotion flashes across her face for a second, and then it’s gone. “They might give it to someone else. They’ll think I’m gonna be unstable or unreliable or something.”

“Are you?”

“Maybe,” Adore purses her lips. “It’s kinda still not real. Maybe it’ll stay like that if I’m distracted.”

“And maybe it’ll get real when you’re on the road - you need to think about yourself.”

Adore murmurs something unintelligible by way of response, shakily trying to affirm that she can do it. Bianca stares into her coffee cup. They seem to have reached some level of nonverbal understanding that they’re not gonna talk about this any more. Adore is leaving tomorrow, and Bianca better make peace with that.

“You’re not mad about me leaving you by yourself, are you?” Adore’s meek voice cuts through the icy reticence.

“What? No - I’m a big girl, I’ll survive,” Bianca shrugs her shoulders. Why does Adore default to the assumption that she’s always mad? Why does she have to be the villain all the goddamn time? Can’t she just be upset?

“But like…do you have friends?"

“Yes, I have fucking friends, Adore.”

And then she thinks about it. Her family doesn’t give a shit, and Raja had broken things off with her a couple of weeks before Ben dropped dead out of fucking nowhere - and yeah, maybe she’s close enough with a couple of people from work that she’d be able to talk to them, but the thought makes her squirm.

She’d not so much asked Adore to stick around for a couple of weeks after the funeral as she had begged her to. The loneliness is choking her, and her daughter is the only person she can face - because they never really talked about their feelings, and even this wasn’t enough to make them start. She just needed someone to be quietly sad alongside. The more that she thinks about it, the more she realizes that the only person she wants to talk to about the pain inflicted by Ben’s death is Ben himself.

Which she should be able to do. She’s grown more attached to the San Junipero concept than she ever wanted to be. Somewhere, in the back of her mind, she’d gotten comfortable with the two of them never having to live without each other. Except that didn't work, and now he’s gone. Forever.

Bianca had friends. A friend. She’d never needed anyone else, and so she’d never bothered trying to find them. She hadn’t planned for an eventuality in which he’d be dead by forty-six.

Bianca is crying. Horrible, huge, ugly floods of tears. Adore looks nervous - like she doesn’t know what to do with herself. This isn’t fair. She can’t make Adore deal with her like this. But she can’t stop. Twelve days of awful emotional blockage are clearing themselves all at once, and Bianca’s face is soaking wet and there’s snot running down her chin, and she feels about as disgusting as she probably looks. Adore’s chair scrapes the tiled floor, and she’s standing behind Bianca - wrapping her arms around her, resting her sharp chin on Bianca’s shoulder.

Adore’s body is starting to heave against hers, and as Bianca tries to blink through some of the blur to her vision and catch her trembling breath, she realizes Adore is crying too. Is this progress?

“You don’t have to go if you don’t want to, baby.” Bianca takes one of Adore’s hands in hers, running a thumb across her tattooed knuckles. “It’s okay - it’s okay to be sad.”

“I’m not sad.” Adore’s voice is thin. “And I have to go. I don’t want to be here. I can’t be here without him.”

Adore mutters the admission like it’s blasphemy, and Bianca doesn’t like it, but she knows. Ben’s ghost lingers in every brick and board and fiber of this house. It hurts - that she isn’t capable of being what Adore needs right now. But she understands.

*****

June 7th, 2047

“Don’t fucking put that on me - don’t screw up my childhood and then keep making me miserable as a fucking adult, it’s not fair-"

“Ob, cry me a fucking river - you had a great childhood!”

“Did I? Getting dragged up by some fucking idiot who didn’t know what she was doing-"

“I was a fucking kid, Adore - I was trying my fucking best-”

It’s dark outside. Bianca feels like shit. She wishes Adore hadn’t left.

She hasn’t been able to sleep without sedatives since Ben died, and she hates it. She also doesn’t know why - she wasn’t there. It didn’t happen to her. It’s not her tragedy. She fishes the blister pack of xanax out of her purse and swallows one with the tail end of her glass of wine. Sleep. She needs sleep. She needs this shitty, awful, horrible day to be over. Maybe when she wakes up, Adore will be over her tantrum.

She drops the pills on the kitchen counter. The last dregs of the wine are eyeing her up through the bottle. Bianca hesitates for a moment, refills her glass, and swiftly empties it down her throat.

She walks through the empty living room, put off by the silence. It’s too quiet in this house. She wishes she hadn’t kept it. Ben deserved it more - he had a partner, and a good life, and hope for the future. Not the pathetic remains of half a dozen short-lived, shitty relationships, and a dead-end job. Adore loved him - she clearly can’t fucking stand Bianca. There would still be life in these walls if he’d taken it, and Bianca had hiked all her stupid clothes and coffee table books and vanity and venom to a crappy bachelor apartment.

It was Ben’s fucking house - it was his career that had paid for it. Bianca felt sick enough with guilt and frustration that he’d insisted she stayed and he left, and then kept ‘forgetting’ to cancel the mortgage auto-payments when he was still alive - just like he kept ‘forgetting’ to stop making her car payments, or kept sending her cheques from some ‘investment account’ they’d apparently set up years ago that she had no memory of. She’d stolen a better quality of life than she was owed from a guy that she was tethered to based on one night of bad decisions when they were in their twenties. It would have been easier on her conscience if Ben had resented her for it. But he didn’t. He’d looked out for her and loved her right up until the ugly end and she didn’t deserve any of it.

If Ben had stayed here, he would have had to drive a different route to work. That’s why they bought the house - it was close to his job. Maybe he’d still be alive. Maybe it would have been her that died after a rush hour car wreck, of an internal hemorrhage that every medical professional in the vicinity was too busy and too stupid to notice. Maybe things would be better that way.

The house is too quiet, and there’s too much space - Bianca traipses up the stairs, her fingers brushing over the lingering texture of Adore’s childhood crayon-on-wall scribbles, long since painted over.

The wine is making her feel worse. She’s angry - hurt, frustrated, upset. But not with Adore. With herself for making her this way.

Ben was warm, Ben was supportive. Ben could never see a single fault in her - not like Bianca. Bianca was the Bad Cop; the enforcer, the prison warden. Bianca nagged Adore about her homework and her curfew and her room being a mess - Bianca questioned her judgment, Bianca shat on her fashion choices. Bianca tried her best to make sure the kid didn’t turn out like she had. And she’d done it - Adore was successful, she was living a life she could look back on and be proud of. So, no fucking wonder Adore’s ideal future was one that didn’t have Bianca in it.

“Bull-fucking-shit. You weren’t a kid, you were in your twenties-“

“I was two years younger than you are, you think you’d be great at raising a child now? Forget about finding out you’re pregnant when you were twenty-one and having to give up everything you’ve ever wanted in life for-“

“Nobody asked you to do that.”

“No, they didn’t - but I had to do what was fucking best for you. Fuck my dreams, fuck what I wanted. You think anybody is working in a goddamn Urban Outfitters age forty-fucking-seven because they want to be?”

“I’ve been out of your house for five years, you’ve had time. Go live your dreams, since I’m not a fucking burden on you any more-“

“You’re not fucking getting it - the ‘living my dreams’ ship has sailed, since I had to drop out of fucking college for you. I had to put my life on hold indefinitely for you, and so did your father, so stop being such an ungrateful little shit-“

Bianca keeps replaying the fight in her head. Tonight had started well. Adore was back in town between tour dates and album sessions - not for Bianca. To see friends, and to meet with some record execs that Bianca was too uncool to know the names of. But when Bianca had asked if she had a free night, Adore had humored her. They’d ordered pizza, bought a couple bottles of wine, and for a moment, things felt the way they used to. Bianca was happy, for a fleeting second.

Adore had been her best friend until she was thirteen. Then some awful melting pot of Adore’s pubescent bitch tendencies and Bianca’s stubbornness and short fuse had kicked off a bizarre ongoing war between the two of them that only seemed to mellow out once Adore left home and they weren’t constantly in each other’s way. It was normal teenager shit - Bianca remembered things being the same way between herself and her mother when she was in junior high. Her mother that she doesn’t fucking speak to any more.

Bianca loves Adore so much that it’s physically painful, and she felt like a monster the entire time they were at odds. But she didn’t know how to stop it - she didn’t know how to be whatever Adore seemed to need from her.

Not that there hadn’t been good moments. Adore’s first concert. The family vacation to Cancun. The weekend shopping sprees. Every so often, Bianca caught a glimpse of the fully-formed human being that Adore was starting to become, and she…well, adored her. But sooner or later, the shit would start again; Bianca could feel herself failing her daughter in real time.

Just like when Adore was a teenager, things had fallen apart tonight just as Bianca was starting to enjoy the good.

It was her fault. Like usual. Bianca had too much to drink too quickly, and she got emotional. She’d phrased some stuff poorly. She’d upset Adore. It was always her fault - it was always her that made the first wrong step. Adore just reacted to her shitty parenting.

She’d made an off-handed comment about Adore ‘abandoning’ her. Which, in her crappier moments, she often felt but resolved never to say to her. Adore was an adult with her own life and her own burgeoning fame to deal with, and she’d lost her dad less than a year ago. Bianca’s feelings didn’t matter; she should be seeking her emotional support from someone her own age. So fucking what if Adore had better things to deal with than her mom’s grief and loneliness?

But she’d said it anyway, and then she’d doubled down. Just like she always did. Adore started crying. Bianca got frustrated. God, she misses Ben. He wouldn’t have let this happen.

“Leave Daddy the fuck out of this, he’s the only person I never doubted cared about me and I-"

“Yeah, he did. He really, really fucking cared about you - enough to spend nearly his entire adult life closeted because he wanted to give you some semblance of a normal childhood, enough that the night he fucking died he didn’t want me to call you because he didn’t want to worry you-“

“That’s not a good thing! I wish I’d been there! I wish I knew, instead of coming offstage to find out that my dad had fucking died and my stupid, selfish, uptight bitch of a mother didn’t think it was worth her time to tell me that he was in that accident-“

“I told Willam - she said it wasn’t important enough to get you on the goddamn phone! Blame her!”

“You should have tried harder!”

“I didn’t think I had to. Your dad didn’t know how bad it was, he didn’t know what was going to happen - none of us knew, obviously if we did I would have put you on a flight as soon as I-“

Bianca has been trying to write that stupid fucking San Junipero bullshit out of her will for months now. If Ben wanted it and didn’t get it, she’s sure as shit not doing it now. However, the process is a fucking nightmare - eight hundred stupid phone calls to eight hundred useless morons who need to refer her to the next person, to try and sell her on an upgrade or ask her if this is because she wants the payout for the unused credit on her plan. It’s demoralizing and exhausting - the evil spiritual stepsister of canceling fucking cable, but a hundred times harder and with constant reminders of her fucking dead ex-husband and the last request he never got.

Everything is depressing and shit, and she’s tired. She wants it to end - she wants to return to a normal that she can never get back.

Bianca lingers at the open door of Adore’s teenage bedroom. It’s a shitshow. She hadn’t tidied up after herself when she left after Ben’s funeral - if anything she’d made more mess, rummaging around in her things and packing and unpacking for that fucking tour she had to go on. Which had done good things for her. In the last six months, her opening spots had turned into festival headliners and talk show appearances; she had an album in the works, and was watching her teenage dream blossom in real time to heights she’d never imagined it would reach. Bianca is glad that she went. Even if she hates her for it a little bit.

Bianca doesn’t want to touch anything. She treads carefully across the messy floor, trying not to disrupt anything; trying to preserve her daughter’s chaos, learn to live in it and love it as she did. Adore’s bed is unmade. The sheets smell like her.

There’s a framed picture by her bed - a print of a blurry selfie taken at Ben’s niece’s bat mitzvah. She remembers that night. Adore had just turned twenty-one and her hair was purple. They’d gotten irresponsibly drunk on kosher wine, and Adore had climbed into Bianca’s lap to take the picture, pressing her gloss-sticky lips to Bianca’s cheek and telling her she loved her. They’re both smiling like maniacs.

Adore had just turned twenty-one. That picture hadn’t been there when Adore last occupied that room - she’d moved into her college dorm a few days before her nineteenth birthday. She’d brought that here. And left it here. Bianca feels queasy. She picks it up gently, like it’s a precious artifact. The frame is bright red hard plastic, shaped like a heart - painted on one side, in Adore’s endearingly shitty handwriting: LOVE YOU MOMMY XO

Bianca’s eyes well up. It was a fucking gift that Adore never gave to her. Probably because she’d ruined Adore’s last visit home. Just like she ruined tonight. Just like she ruined her. Bianca drops the frame like it burns to touch, and she hears the glass shatter against the hardwood floor.

She closes the door as she leaves, hearing it slam and her own breath becoming frantic. She feels that familiar ache, a sob building up in the depths of her chest.

She’s pressed against Adore’s wall and staring directly into Ben’s old room. She’d transformed it into a pitiful sewing workspace that she’d barely used when he moved out - a weird attempt to kick some sense of purpose back into her life when Adore had flown the nest and Ben was out living his own life, picking up an old hobby that had dominated her teens and fuelled her plans for the future. Plans that had died a death in the bathroom of her old apartment downtown. The mannequin torso sits gathering dust, half-finished sketches litter the table. A waste - like everything else.

She can’t do this. She doesn’t want to be here. She wants Adore back. Wants to hold her in her arms, breathe in her scent and her warmth, and tell her she forgives her for every horrible thing that had come out of her mouth tonight.

No, she wants to tell her that she’s sorry. For everything.

Sleep. She needs to sleep.

“You just don’t want to admit that you screwed me out of a chance to say goodbye! You feel like I’ve abandoned you? Fuck you! You didn’t love him!”

“I did-"

“He was your friend - he was my fucking dad. Don’t try and pretend that what you’re feeling right now is anything like what I’m feeling, because it’s not.”

“It doesn’t have to be - Dorey, we can deal with this together. I want to be there for you. I want to help you. And I miss you, is that such a fucking crime?”

“You miss being a bitch to me - you miss telling me that I’ve wasted my life. You miss having someone else to boss around, because that’s all you wanna do.”

“Adore, I tried my fucking best for you. I didn’t have it in me to be a perfect mother - I didn’t have one, I wasn’t set up to be good at this. I tried my best, and if you feel like I’ve failed then I’m really fucking sorry. But I love you, and-“

Why the fuck are her pills on the kitchen counter? Bianca pops one out and swallows it dry, desperate for her mind to shut the fuck up. She’s drunk and confused and alone and fucking sad, and she wants to sleep.

Should she call Adore? No, that feels desperate. She needs to leave her alone; let her get over this at her own pace, let her come back on her own. If she wants to come back. She’ll come back.

Bianca didn’t come back. Bianca didn’t forgive her mom for the sin of setting her expectations too high, so why the hell would Adore do the same? Maybe her mom feels the same way about her - maybe she feels deprived of a presence in the life she created, and maybe she loses sleep and paces around the house at night like a madwoman and cries over her too. That feels vindicating - so why does it hurt so much that Adore is probably gonna commit her to the same fate?

Bianca collapses into the couch. Her body feels heavy. The clock on the wall says it’s just after midnight. There’s an empty pizza box on the coffee table. Adore’s lipstick is stained onto the rim of her glass.

“God, can you not go five minutes without trying to make me feel like shit? I know. I know you tried, I’m sorry I didn’t turn out the way you wanted me to-“

“Do you think this is what your dad would have fucking wanted?”

“Don’t talk about what he would have wanted - what he would have wanted doesn’t matter. He’s dead, mom. He’s fucking gone. He’s gone, and I’m never gonna get him back, and now I’m stuck with you.”

“The fuck do you mean ‘stuck with’ me?”

“You know exactly what I fucking mean.”

“What, you wish it was me? You wish I was the one that had fucking died? If that’s what you mean, say it.”

“If I have to choose one of you then yeah. Yeah, I wish it was him that was still here.”

The couch is soft and warm and Bianca is falling asleep. She’s comfortable - but she feels wrong. Her head is swimming.

It’s getting dark outside. Bianca watches for headlights in the driveway. Maybe Adore will come home and forgive her. Bianca is tired, and her head is heavy, and she wants to go to sleep. Sleep and forget. Maybe Adore will love her again when she wakes up.

*****

[1] MISSED CALL Adore DR 💕😻👩‍👧 00:21

[3] NEW MESSAGES Adore DR 💕😻👩‍👧 00:23 mom im rlly sorry. i love you. can we talk <33 mom are you okay? talk to me

[3] MISSED CALLS Adore DR 💕😻👩‍👧 00:29

[4] NEW MESSAGES Adore DR 00:34 mom PLEASE answer ur phone im sorry talk to me please im coming over

[5] MISSED CALLS Adore DR 💕😻👩‍👧 00:58

[3] NEW MESSAGES Adore DR 💕😻👩‍👧 01:01 im outside answer the door mommy i know ur mad at me but i want to talk to u, im rlly sorry i love u so much pls answer the door mom MOM

[8] MISSED CALLS Adore DR 💕😻👩‍👧 01:07

[2] NEW MESSAGES Adore DR 💕😻👩‍👧 01:11 mommy please im sorry. i love you.

****

Pride Challenge Points: 6662

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oriigirii · 3 years

Text

Streamer MC headcannons with the brothers 💞

"You were quite a known face on social media back in the human realm, playing games, doing unboxings, just vibin in general, fans around the globe looked forward to your streams a lot! However, considering the sudden (unannounced) invitation to the exchange program, you had to leave all of that behind out of the blue. It wasn't as bad at first, but you have to admit you do miss the feeling of being able to do goofy shit online. Luckily for you, with the advance technology of Devildom and some spicy magic, the internet had synced with the human realm, and thats when you decided to finally re-enter the streaming scene. How will the brothers react upon seeing your peculiar past time?"

Head empty, No thoughts aside from the brothers just bothering the MC while they stream so here you go haha

Warnings: None, just crackhead energy and a lotta mispellings

Gender: Neutral!

Hotel: Trivago

* [ ಠ╭╮ಠ ] Lucifer *

{How did he know about your career?}

I honestly don't see him as someone who goes on the internet a lot

(He screams boomer to me, change my mind)

He doesn't have the time either, he's too focused on work!

So him finding out is gonna take a while

But! He did find out the hard way when shrilled screaming was heard from your room when he was passing by with some paper stacks in his arms (courtesy of Diavolo)

This man felt his instincts kick in, he ran as fast as he could, papers forgotten, and he immediately slammed your door open. Splinters scattering around, your door definitely damaged, as his eyes held a glare and his demon form was out, wings spread in a threatening display.

He was ready to beat someone's ass as he had thought someone had hurt you in here.

But all hes met with is you, infront of your chair and PC, and a game over on the screen...

To say he was unamused was an understatement cause you just lost your internet priviliges for giving him a heart attack (He said it was because you were being rowdy and noisy but with what you saw you knew that wasn't the case)

Good luck tryna puppy-eye your way to his heart to let you continue streaming lol.

If by some miracle you managed to wriggle your rights back from his hands, he'd warn you not to be so loud next time.

You already learnt your lesson though~ (Hopefully)

{How does he feel about your streams?}

Not everyone's the same, so if you were the shy soft streamer who does more art streams or something akin to a podcast, you can bet that Lucifer will be putting you on while he works, he kinda knows your streaming schedule at this point and if you were running late, he'd force one of his brothers to take over your dish washing duties or any chores you were stuck with

If you were the loud obnoxious meme type, hed still try to watch out of curiosity, and as much as he appreciates that you were getting comfortable here in Devildom with how you laugh and joke around, he still can't approve of it. Its too loud, its much like his brothers energy and he has enough of that already, so he probably doesn't watch as much.

He has countlessly came to your room to shush you and at this point your fans had made a compilation of each time Lucifer had barged in to tell you off

Look he likes it when you scream, but not when hes in the middle of work okay--

At this point, chat has deemed Lucifer as dad and you as their mom/dad.

If he ever catches wind of this he'd definitely be teasing you in private for centuries to come.

Overall fine with it, as long as don't do something stupid on stream.

* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ Mammon*

{How did he know about your career?}

I would say he found out by him crashing into your streams midway but that's too predictable, hence why you've Mammon-proofed your bedroom during streaming hours!

Thanks to our wizard daddy, you have managed to cast a simple lock spell on your door and as well as a sound proofing

You love your broke idiot, but you did wanna keep the tone of your stream today a bit more chill, you wanted to have a proper Q&A with your fans to hopefully clear any bad vibes around your 3 month disappearance.

When Mammon has learnt your door was locked he definitely was a bit pissy, he knocked on your door loudly even and was calling out for you to let him in, but to no avail.

Bro he's scared.

He usually was allowed to enter, and you usually answered if you did need to be left alone for a bit, so just leaving him hanging got his mind racing and he had to press up his ear on the wooden door to try and hear if you were okay

When this continues on he finally resorts to getting help, but the only one in the house ws Levi, so he kicks down HIS door.

Levi boutta summon Lotan for interrupting him honestly

But as Mammon exclaim you weren't answering and he worried for your wellbeing, Levi rolls his eyes and scoffs,

"Idiot Mammon, they're streaming don't bother them…"

Streaming? why didn't you tell him???

Rude much.

He did huff and now was forcing his way to use Levi's PC for a moment

Can Levi stop him?

Nah.

He was busy on his console, and if he stood up now hed be breaking his world record so he was at a terrible state so he just resorts to threats of him drowning the Avatar of Greed if he does anything stupid on his PC.

He immediately logs in to your streaming platform and he watches for a bit,

You were more dolled up now just to look decent on stream, and he felt this jealousy rise as you interact with your chat, especially to those saying I love you's and stuff, and you even said it back? the audacity! You were his werent you? Were you replacing him with these nobodies?

He huffs as he realized that those who paid got their message highlighted, and thus, he starts donating. (Mind you this was Levi's account...)

"Mcccccc Open the dooorrr"

"Ill behave i promiseeeee"

"Cmon pleaseeee?"

Chat is c o n f u s i o n

NGL, they thought Mammon was a creepy stalker and red flags were being waved everywhere

but as chat was pondering who the hell he was, you can only sigh and look at the camera with that unamused expression, but ugh! you just KNOW hes doing that kicked puppy expression of his, and maybe it really wont be so bad

So you snap your fingers and say, "Okay MonMon, its open, Im giving you 3 seconds"

Mammon wasnt deemed to be the fastest out of his brothers for nothing

As soon as you got to '2', you were already tackled by the white haired male and chat went wild.

Now that you've shown your life in Devildom, maybe its time to introduce chat to your boyfriend no?

{How does he feel about your streams?}

You get paid to sit infront of a camera, do I have to say anything else?

But really though, as much as he enjoys the thought of getting so much cash from something so simple, he prefers the joy of being able to proudly exclaim that he was your first man!

ohhhh he thrives on the salt of your overly attached stans

but for those who fully support you, he always feels so mushy and shy when they say the ship you guys so hard

The fanarts has him WEAK (he may or may not have saved a few)

You usually do streams alone, but now you've allowed the door to be left open to let Mammon join whenever

Chat pogs when he enters with so much confidence, only for it to crumble when you kiss his cheek on stream.

Overall finds it fun to spend time with you, but just dont play scary games cause Lucifer might hang him upside down on stream.

* ▘▂▝ Leviathan*

{How did he know about your career?}

He is honestly the most attached to his D.D.D and he catches wind of almost anything going down in the internet, so your 'revival' being hyped up was something he definitely saw and he was just s wo o o ned

His Henry 2.0? a famous streamer?

Were you truly a blessing gifted upon him or was he dreaming?

He definitely didn't bring it up at first as he didn't wanna make it a big deal, but you notice hes been more in his head lately, and you have tried asking him what it was but to no avail.

You have to corner this little snake if you want answers and he eventually admits that he knew of your persona online and was incredibly shy to ask you to stream with him

He's a streamer himself afterall but maybe he doesnt stream as much as you do nor does he have as large of a following, so his intrusive thoughts attacked him and made him think that maybe since he wasnt as famous he didnt deserve to be in the same stream as you

Please tell him to join you and gib him kiss U3U

He'll absolutely m e l t

But now, as you make the announcement to your viewers and Levi to his, the internet explodes as a special collab stream was hapening between the expert gamer and avatar of envy of Devildom along with the beloved exchange student and streamer of the human realm

Your usual viewers reach between 10-15k, but as you start stream, that number boosts higher and beyond

Before streaming though, Levi was incredibly nervous, he'd picked the games for you to play that he knew you would enjoy with him, but his mind kept racing about whatthe fans thought, he didnt wanna disappoint them

But you had to remind him that whatever they say will not matter in the end as this was merely for fun, this was YOUR stream and you guys were gonna do what you want and nobody can have a say on it. (Maybe except Lucifer)

You usually talk for him with your bubbly personality, and to calm his nerves, he hs your pinky wraped around his where the camera can't see it.

Regardless, his thoughts subsided as you two delve into your stream that lasted a solid 7 hours, you definitely promised your chat that you and Levi will be doing more streams together from now on.

Once the cameras cut and yall are left alone, Both of you collapse on bed, and despite you being asleep already, Levi was just far too giddy as everything dwells on him.

Having a player 2 by his side now had never felt so intoxicating and he as just so lucky to have you.

{How does he feel about your streams?}

He obviously adores it, although some streams he wouldnt join just so he can play games on his own

He's still an introvert afterall, he needs his alone time

But he prefers that alone time with you, his Henry.

So when youre about to go stream, he kinda becomes a bit pouty, but with a simple promise of kisses (and maybe even more if youd like) he would let you go, but his attention would disappear from his game altogether.

He might just end up watching you instead

May or may not, at some point, just chat you and ask if its too late to join you

You do allow him to join you and play from the comforts of his room as both of you can simply play via internet, you give him the comfort to not turn on his mic or webcam either and you have no idea how he appreciates that.

Will definitely fight someone online when they start claiming you as theirs (-cough- stans) Please make sure it doesnt escalate to him summoning Lotan

Although the comments would often get to him, and as much as he can fight them online, he still does find himself pondering if they were true, so you need to give him a lotta lovin and reminder that he is your player 1 and no one else can ever fill that place.

------

Wow 3 brothers this time, what an improvement, anyways hope yall enjoy! I think its pretty clear who I simp for depending o nthe length of each lol, but do let me know if you guys want a part 2 for the rest of the brothers, or even the undateables!

#Obey me #obey me fanfics #obey me x reader #obey me x mc #obey me Mammon x reader #obey me Lucifer x reader #Obey me Leviathan x reader #obey me headcannons #obey me shall we date

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aprito · 3 years

Text

hello <3 since i got these asks at the same time i decided to combine my thoughts on them in this post. yet another annoying sjw essay from yours truly on this blog

before i get into these i think i need to preface why im like. i guess overly hyperfocused on a certain unproblematic base (same age au / platonic canon) for them and avoid the ped0philic content like the plague lol

tw for pedophilia ment, rape ment if that makes you squicky. ALSO THIS IS LONG AND RAMBLY

as i’ve mentioned a couple times already, ive been into the ship since i was 12, back when it was very very common to not only post untagged (nsfw) canonverse content of the two in writing and in drawing but also non con and the like, so you can imagine how bad my first impression online was. thinking back on it ...as a child i found it disturbing but didnt really register how problematic it really was?? (i know, but i also lived in the middle of nowhere and had no one explain this to me)

skip to 2014 aka me coming back to naruto at 17ish and i had kinda become hyper aware of the fact that there was an increasing amount of people online who had come forward with explaining how fictional problematic content, mostly pedophilia, had been used to groom them into starting relationships with adullts. it was also a time where a lot of people didnt believe these victims, not registering how common it was for minors to be online friends with adults who had no boundaries and no qualms exposing them such content. not gonna get into my personal life here but i was lucky to not having gone through this myself. like... it kinda was my first time truly realising how fiction can EASILY be used to manipulate others irl (and yes i will not argue this, if you dont think fictional media can form and manipulate people’s opinions on attitudes, countries, cultures and virtues, pick up a book about the effects of propaganda media at least once please)

i, being young, still liking the dynamic but not really the romance, would point this out here and there in the fandom and get into fights with grown adults in their mid 20s who assumed i automatically hated the ship(s) and tried to restrict their freedom of speech or whatever, heard everything from the “age of consent doesnt exist in naruto” to the “sasori looks like a child what does it matter” despite people clearly playing on him being older and experienced. it made me so upset that people were just consuming all this content uncritically and exposing children to it tbh?? not really just sos but a lot of minor/adult ships in naruto in general. and thats where i sat down and thought, i do not want to be a grown adult talking down to children that point out how unsafe the fandom is. theyre absolutely right in drawing these boundaries and calling out adults who defend the uncritical consumption and creation of this content. i do not want to consume or create content that predators could use to groom minors, and i absolutely do want to let younger people in fandom know that i am respecting their comfort zones and want them to have a safe and fun experience. after all, naruto is not an adult show and i think a lot of people forget that!!!! i am not perfect in that regard but its something that i, at the age of 23, am very passionate about and strive towards to.

and i guess thats where same age au was born for me and i have been sticking to it ever since.

so finally we can move to the first question

aside from the fact that we both dont like canon sos, i dont think it would work out even if i wasnt prejudiced to it anyways. in all honesty, 35 year old canon sasori is not a redeemable character to me, given the fact that he’s easily amongst the cruelest villains in naruto (torturing and killing and taxiderming people for his own fun personal gain, never for a goal that served anyone but himself. how do you redeem having over 300 corpses in your backpack that you felt absolutely no remorse for killing). sasori was legit one of the only cruel villains that didnt had someone else pull the strings, which sends a clear message on kishi’s part, who absolutely loves to redeem villains LOL.

being that old, he obviously had already been very manifested in what he believed in, even if it was shakey, to the point where the first crack in that world view (sakura and chiyo protecting each other) immediately had him give up on his life all together. that, in my opinion, is not a man who’s going to know what healthy relationships would look like, regardless of it being romantic or not. 35 year old sasori to me has the same appeal as an expired can of tuna and he’s probably very happy 6 feet under. he’s supposed to be a failed gaara in that sense that he had no one to look out for him and therefore was never going to experience anything but a bad ending in life. its fine that hes dead honestly, it wraps up his short character development the best IMO.

adding to that, seriously, sakura was obviously interested in knowing why he was that way, and called him out for being seriously fucked in the head, but it’s weird to me that people assume she had any interest in actively rehabilitating him, let alone starting a serious romantic relationship with him. sakura who’s not only very, uhm, immature and straight forward when it comes to her romantic viewpoints also, as a big bootlicker, wouldnt soil her standing in the village by starting anything with a disgraced and far too gone criminal like sasori. shipping that version of sasori with sakura intimately is still going to set her up for a huge power imbalance that would be difficult to handle imo, even if she was the one in the fight ultimately exerting her power over him. i would still look at it and think damn she deserves better than having to play therapist for man like that lol.

additionally, even if you ignored all of this, you cant really ignore that sasori had already known her as a child, and that had been his first and most impactful impression of her. i dont think that sasori would look at 35 year old sakura and see her as a grown woman and not the little green girl she was in the fight. plus, you easily fall into predatory comparison territory between the “childish” and “womanly” and i have seen way too often in fic just being boiled down to her now being fuckable. a lot of of ships do this and i would just like to remind yall thats it not normal for adults to want to start relationships with children they have seen grown up or known as a child when they themselves were fully grown adults. therefore, maybe if sakura hadnt met sasori before it would be less of a problem? but that also obviously defeats the point of the dynamic and the reason he died in the first place. so yeah, it sounds kind of doomed especially if you were to make it romantic.

WHICH BRINGS ME TO THE SECOND QUESTION

let me preface this that im not fundamentally against age gaps, even if im not super interested in it. after all, colorblind had a 5 yr age gap (with sakura being 21), even if, say, i wrote similar fics today i probably would make it smaller lol. i think it can be handled well if both parties have enough life experience to deal with it, and the author is cautious of where the age gap starts, i think a 10+ year age gap would be fine in a scenario where the younger party (i guess sakura) was at least 25-27ish, meaning she has completed most of her most formative life stages and probably had been in relationships before, meaning she would be able to handle it without having to fear a huge power imbalance. the older the younger party is the less the age gap is going to matter tbh .TsukiHoshino and AngelOfDeath10 both handle age gaps in their fics really well imo, so i do not mind reading about them.

unfortunately, a lot of people in this fandom think making sakura barely "”””legal””””” (18, not even 20 which is hilarious to me because the source material is obviously japanese) because they both cannot stand her being past her “prime years” of being young fertile and fuckable to much older men as well as thinking a 20 year old is automatically old enough to handle that type of relationship. ive seen a lot of unironic takes that believe it will absolve them of callout posts if they throw around age of consent and “shes 18 now suckers!!!” enough lmfao. absolutely hilarious. aging a minor up without aging the adult down seriously reeks of predatory ��cant wait until youre 18″ narratives and thats why i find it similarly disturbing as straight up pedo shipping.

ultimately, sasosaku is and will always be a inherently problematic ship in canon, which is why i think it should always be handled a little more responsibly in fandom spaces, ignoring or outright excusing the main problem factor, which is sasori, isnt going to convince anyone that the dynamic in itself is well written and interesting enough to explore in aus, like giving sasori the redemption most of us wanted him to have by aging him down to a point in time where he was still realistically going to allow being positively influenced, similar to gaara.

so really, what i think is well handled age gap and how most people handle age gap in the naruto fandom are two different worlds at times lol

tl;dr

canon shippers have never been anything but gross when i was younger and i didnt wanna be like that, even if youre “smart”enough to differenate, actual creeps dont really care and might use your content to blur the lines, sasori isnt rly redeemable so romantic canonverse realistically wouldnt make much sense and is still iffy, age gaps are fine if they are handled well, but given that the dynamic doesnt really need the age gap to still work im not that invested on making that an essential part of my shipping experience.

thank you for reading and hope this makes sense!

#nonitxt #meta #another hot take from me #but seriously if you're offended over these #unfollow me lol idc #defending predatory content is not a hill im gonna die on in this life

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thoschei-rights · 4 years

Text

Season 12 but The Master kept pretending to be O??

Basically self-indulgent Thoschei with a twist.

lots of typos bc?? i aint got time to go correct stuff yet? I will later??

So Spyfall is resolved, The Kasaavin are banished back to their realm and the Fam and Doctor are clueless as to the true mastermind, Barton taking the fall while the Master continues to pose ad O, having decided he’s enjoying the game of tricking her too much.

Perhaps among their texts they’ve grown close, or perhaps the brief time together in the outback led to events?? ;) But either way, he changes his mind mid plan and continues to act human.

Since he never leaves the message or has the confrontation in Paris, the doctor remains unaware of Gallifrey’s destruction. The fam wait off on asking their questions since she isn’t off with them.

Orphan 55 happens, and while the fam go do their shit, O stays with the Doctor bc admit it, she was like oh ;-; when everyone went to explore. My poor baby. So they hang out together before everything goes to shit, how cute?? Things get resolved, but with the revelation of one of earth’s potential fates, and the potential that the doctor lied about knowing, the fam decide to ask to know more about her. She shares what she believes its true at the time, being born on gallifrey and being a timelord, O looms in the background looking awkward bc he knows none of that is true and he feels horrible keeping the truth from her, it makes him as bad as the rest of the time lords- but he is selfish and he doesn’t want to stop what he’s doing, he’s started to really enjoy her company, its everything he’s ever wanted, every star.

And then it’s ruined when Yaz asks to see her own planet. Blissfully unaware of its destruction, she takes them, and so they’re right there with her when she sees, opens the doors to the rubble, the dying flames- and oh god. The fam are horrified, she’s horrified, O has to fake it, while being utterly glad those nasties are dead- maybe he gets to sneakily comfort hug her??? like she’s trying not to tear up even after that whole shit show of the confession dial, it was her home??so yeah he’s like hugging her but he’s so angry bc they dont deserve her tears??

The doctor is off after that, and the fam know why, and none of their words of comfort do much, because sure they’ve just witnessed the death of earth too but that is just one timeline, can be completely avoided, while gallifrey is gone forever, and she believes she’s once more the last of her kind. it hurts.

they visit tesla all the same, and when that big ass scorpion looking alien (bc im sorry i didnt like the episode and i’ve forgotten her name so....) mentions dead planets, she can feel the fam stiffen, as though the doctor is gonna blow at any minute, but she keeps calm, tries to bury the rage, but O can tell, can tell by the way her arms shake, hands clenched into fists in her pockets- and it hurts him to see her like this- the longer he spends around her, pretending to be someone he’s not, he’s just realizing more and more what a dumbass he is and that he’s still as in love with her now than he was all those years ago in the academy- none of the truth will change that-

and then boom the shit show with the judoon occurs and suddenly O is confused af because that Lee guy could ONLY have been him. Who else on gallifrey was stupid enough to hide out with the doctor, marry them and die for them?? him because he’s a dumbass? but he’s a dumbass who definitely doesnt remember this memories?? which theoretically in the doctors timeline should have been sometime after the division? or during? he’s not sure? but to his knowledge he shouldn’t have been alive at this stage? and now he’s not sure what the fuck HIS own life is too? did they take his memories from him too? has he lost part of his life? suddenly the truth doesnt seem as known as he thought- so while the doctor is reeling from the information of Ruth being her somehow? O is having his own mental crisis because what the fuck did they do to him too? what is he missing??

praxeus continues as similar as it did originally, O is only the tiniest impressed at Yaz, ever since Spyfall he’d sensed she was the human with the most potential to not be utterly worthless so he’s glad at least one of the doctors latest pets seems to have some initiative?? but yeah i dont wanna change much about praxeus? its not important- except the doctor saying she’s a romantic and the master wants that? wait what- he’s conflicted about his own thoughts? he wanted to break her, destroy her with the truth? but he also just wants to wrap her in his arms? make everything as okay as he can? what the fuck is even happening with him? jsut your usual ‘im a mess’ vibes lmao

when can you hear me? rolls around, it happens in a similar way, i dont wanna get to into it because i dont wanna think too much...the episode was weird, it was just weird-- i cant?? although maybe bc that zellin and the lady whose name i forgot...but they were immortal right?? maybe their species is the doctors species?? huh? huh? think about that- but don’t think too hard bc i hate that theory and i’m gonna pretend i never had that thought- lets just ignore can you hear me even though the end made me cry for yaz bc lol relatable sis, relatable. do whatever you want for this bit fam, idc.

Anyyyyyway. the bit I’m waiting for... Villa Diodati ;) O is ready to smack Byron round the face, fingers itching towards the tce everytime he tries to flirt with the doctor. the lone cyberman appears and wopdie doo earth is going to be destroyed and the doctor is about to do something stupid, thinking there is no other way? the master is like um lol change of plans i dont want the cybermen to win, look how in pain my baby theta is?? i gotta help?? oof? and idk, his patience is like nope all gone? and he whips out his TCE on the lone cyberman and boom. crisis averted? except now the doctor is looking at him in horror and shock and- she realizes who he is then and there, and normally he’d made a big drama out of his, throw in some words, a speech about how easy it was to deceive her, how he destroyed gallifrey- about how he was under her nose this whole time- but he doesn’t, instead he meets her gaze and can barely manage to whisper an “im sorry” and wow shit i wasn’t gonna write that version, i was gonna have feral confrontation but now im stanning a sad master who just needs a hug and some therapy because nothing makes sense, he thought he had everything figured out but he doesnt and he just wANTS HIS FRIEND BACK uiferkghlujkfaghjfkgladhfajkg; i m fine

i dont know what i wanna do after this point? it could go a lot of different ways?? but thoschei rights bitches. could go angst confrontation and then she abandons him in whatever century that was set bc wow i studied frankenstein in school but i couldnt tell you what century the author is from bc im dumb? 18th? maybe idk that seems likely? or 19th? but anyway yeah or maybe she’s just relieved someone else is alive? or is she shouting for answers or?? i dunno.... but woop ???

wow this turned into a big mess but hopefully you can kinda see where i wanna head with things? after this he’d probably show her the truth? i dunno how that’d go down, but he’d be there with her?? But anyway, this idea is free for anyone to write, but holla us a link and I'll give yall a free promo at the end of this post!!

Versions of this that yall Lovelies have blessed us with:

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justsomefluff · 4 years

Note

Heyooooo I stumbled across your blog and IM IN LOVE HOLY CRAP 🥺💕 I was wondering if I could request an ateez reaction to reader confessing/them finding out that a diff member was readers bias before they started dating? 👀

A/N: Thank you so much! And so I kind of tried to twist this request so I could get both ideas in there. I hope you like it! Sorry it took me forever lmao

Summary: You confess to Ateez and they are surprised (but relieved) because they had thought another member was your bias.

Hongjoong:

Joongiieeeeeeeeeee

Sweetheart

SO nervous to tell you he likes you

He sits you down in an empty room so the guys won’t interrupt

His hands are shaking

As soon as you sit down he’s rambling

stuttering a lot

trying his best to keep his cool but failing miserably

now you’re nervous bc you don’t know why he wanted to talk in the first place

you’re brain is like “he’s gonna tell you he doesn’t want to be your friend” or summ

so all of a sudden you’re just like “JOONGIE I LIKE YOU”

and he shuts right up

he :o

You’re so worried that you just messed up your entire friendship but you really wanted him to cut to the chase and it just popped out

Then he starts smiling

kinda creepy bc he still hasn’t said anything

when he finally snaps out of it he’s yelling

OMG OMG OMG ME TOOOOOO

and he’s squishing your cheeks and giving you Eskimo kisses aw

but then he stops and you’re blushing like crazy

and he blurts “thought you liked Mingi but ill TAKE IT”

“Well I do but like….not like that…”

He’s smiling and asking you so many questions bc he wants to know your comfort level and boundaries and everything before you guys even make it official

just a happy baby and is so excited to be with you

Seonghwa:

Honestly with him, it’s an accident

one day you’re hanging out like normal

but you cannot stop staring (but I cant blame you)

He catches you and he blushhhhh

You smile, but he’s so dreamy you’re kind of out of it honestly

And it just comes out

“I like you, Seongie”

Whoops

Takes you a minute to register what you even said, but his eyes are huge

he’s like excusez-mhwa (lol see what I did) I thought you liked Wooyoung

And you get this weird burst of confidence, like since it’s already out there

and you repeat yourself

“I literally just said I liked you”

Then he smiles super big

moves towards you super quick

Kisses you straight out the gate no question

When he finally pulls away you’re like

“Does that mean you like me too?”

“yes”

“good”

and he makes quick work of telling everybody bc he’s so thrilled

Yunho:

(Can you tell im loving the ears?)

Teddy bear baby

You’re doing some platonic cuddling one day and watching a movie

Probably a scary movie

And every once in a while you hide your face in his chest bc it’s too scary

and he’s so endeared

you’re like I need someone to protect me (but he misses that very obvious flirtation)

“Lemme get jongho”

DUMBASS

and you straight up tell him no

“Why not I thought you like him”

“Want you to protect me”

Yunho just blank-face stares at you

totally not getting it

Would never imagine you could like him over jongho

poor baby doesn’t know his worth

So you just tell him like, homie, I like you come cuddle

He smiles so big “OOOhhhhhh”

Jumps back into cuddles without argument

mumbling into your hair about how much he likes you too and how long he’s been waiting to tell you and thank god you don’t like jongho and AHHHH

“shut up im still tryna watch the movie”

straight up turns the TV off

cheeseball force-cuddles you for the rest of your life while simultaneously texting the group chat like “guess who just confessed!!!!”

the guys text back like “ey you finally did it?”

“me? no y/n”

Yeosang:

the day you resolve to tell him you like him ends up being a day where he’s super tired

so when you tell him you like him he cant even register what just happened

“what” x60

and then he figures it out and he’s like “oh ditto just thought you were crushing on Hongjoong)”

DITTO?! you totally ignore the hongjoong comment bc…. YOUR CRUSH LIKES YOU BACK

you’re excited now and he’s trying so hard to match your energy but poor baby just cant right now

“since you’re my girlfriend now can we cuddle”

Duh, who would say no to that?

And then you’re cuddling and he’s half asleep on you and you’re so excited and fidgety

He keeps waking up to pinch you so you’ll stay still

like “SORRY IM SO FULL OF LOVE”

and he’s giggling

He is genuinely happy but he’s so sleepy

so he just squeezes you too him as hard as he can being that tired

and you eventually calm down enough to stay still

and he’s like thank god

“if you’re like this every time im trying to sleep im breaking up with you”

“ALREADY?!”

San:

Since he’s typically super high energy and hyper its really hard for you to get him to chill out long enough to confess

but when he sees that you’re really nervous he gets super worried about you bc he cute like that

and he’s fussing over you

feeling your forehead and holding your hands and offering to get you water and making you sit down

“SAN CHILL IM JUST NERVOUS BC I LIKE YOU”

big ol’ gasp

“but what about Yunho”

Boy what are you talking about

“you like him”

No, you

Really?

SAN DO YOU WANT TO BE WITH ME OR NOT

“oh for sure”

Big cheesin’

Kisses all over your face and then runs to find the guys

screaming the whole time

Mingi:

The day you tell him you’re just hanging out with the members

and you’re all watching different music videos for fun and just being excited about the stuff you love together

and one of their videos pops up in the queue and you’re LIKE SEONGHWAAAAAAAAAAA (just bc he’s your buddy and you wanna hype him”

Mingi is pouting already

obviously he loves his hyung but like hey

Mingi’s bitter “what does he have that I don’t…I have stuff he doesn’t: im taller….”

And obviously you hear his mumbling

and you just give him kissy on his cheek

He’s so surprised

then he shows up in the music video and you flip out even more just to prove you like him

and he gets the message and does that laugh

WAHAHAHA

ya know the one

and he grabs you and your back is pressed to his chest and he’s kissing the top of your head repeatedly

the guys finally yell at you to stop or leave like aint nobody tryna see that

so you guys take their advice and scoot for Date #1

Wooyoung:

you didn’t actually tell wooyoung that you liked him

you were telling your friend over the phone and he overheard you

nosy fool

but as soon as he hears you gushing he stops to listen

fully thinking that you’re talking about San

but then he hears his name and he screams “ME?!”

and runs to scoop you up and spins you so fast you drop your phone

then he picks it up and tells your friend byebye

gives you smooches all over your face not realizing that you’re literally dying of embarrassment

he literally just heard you whining about how bad you wanna kiss him and being super mushy and gross

Wooyoung does not care, he’s just relieved that you like him too

“we’re dating now”

kisses you on the lips for a little then he’s like “CAN I TELL EVERYONE”

and you still haven’t said anything bc you’re so shocked and embarrassed

but he doesn’t wait for you to answer he just runs out while you stand there with wide eyes and swollen lips

Jongho:

Jongho is really shy around you already

And he thinks that you like Yeosang so he is always careful

doesn’t want to make you uncomfortable and he’s so respectful always

so when you sit super close to him one day he’s so stiff

and doesn’t want to move away bc he likes you and also doesn’t want you to be offended

but also doesnt want to do anything wrong

You sigh and you look at him

he melts

“Jonho can I tell you something”

uhoh

immediately assumes he did something wrong and tries to scoot away

but you grab his hand and he stays

“I like you”

He exhales so loud, he was holding his breath and he didn’t even know

he smiles and tells you he likes you too

but since there’s other people in the room he refuses to do anything

like he’s a romantic and he wants your first moments as an official couple to be only yours

so he takes you to another room and kisses you super soft

just so loving as soon as you tell him

cant wait to spend time with you as more than just friends

#ateez #ateez imagines #ateez scenarios #ateez reactions #ateez fluff #fluff #jongho #hongjoong #mingi #seonghwa #yeosang #wooyoung #yunho #fanfiction

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shiro-0197 · 3 years

Note

aw shiro, my love, don't worry about it!! i only hope you're okay and safe :d please only reply when you're free, and don't feel bad about it!! >:(

my day yesterday was okay, i've just been relaxing, and studying occasionally. went out to explore a nearby town too, it's so pretty there. and much colder (since it's a highlands) of course!! Today was great too. I bought doughnuts (they're amazing?? I love doughnuts), and I had instant ramen, but it was SO spicy I nearly died. (Three bottles of water later, because someone finished all the milk in the household *cough* me *cough*) and I'm still just reeling. Sucks having such low spice tolerance HAHA. I'm listening to some old school hip-hop rn, while typing this out :D how were your two days?

here are some i'll be using to teach english :d and that would honestly be much appreciated, he's getting on my last nerve rn. (I included the first few, what do you think?)

thats such a priceless feeling i so totally agree. you're so precious 🥺🥺 i'm sure they're prouder thank you imagine. you're so dedicated!! i'm sure all that extra research you've done will definitely pay off. it's good that you know what the job is roughly like, so you'll be really prepared when you finally do start it. you know that one scene, in the 2nd season of the great pretender? when the chinese mafia boss emphasizes the importance of a translator in literally everything? (like that book award example) i may be getting the thing muddled up, but i found that so cool. like yeah, a book or speech could be absolutely beautiful, but if everyone can't enjoy it due to it being a different language, it would be such a shame. i just find translators really important. sorry, i'm really dorky haha 🥺🥺

awww but i think your personality type is wonderful. a lot of my favourite characters are intj (they're all so precious istg grrrr) yes!! i was in a tooru brainrot yesterday too 😭😭😭 (saw a bunch of couples on my walk, and I was like "if only Tooru was real grrrr") and yes?? there'd be so much to learn from each and every one of them. dedication from hinata, savage lines from tsukki, kindness from yams/yachi, how to be a dork 101 from atsumu. aaaah 😭😭i'm sorry they're all so wonderful.

No pftttt I totally feel you. I saw some people without masks today and I was like "bro wtf" and just really loudly said "I sure hope everyone starts following the rules so the cases don't increase" because I'm a lil bitch like that xD

awww okay!! I'll definitely keep that in mind. Mayo makes everything better, tbh >.< aww that's understandable! I don't have specific preferences but hearing the phrase "soggy cheese" makes me want to cry somewhere :( I don't like nuts in chocolate. I'm very passionate about that? XD ikr??

I'm surprised too, I usually never pass on murder, but I guess you're just special like that 👉👈 sir I'd get married to you as many times as you'd like 😼 oops sorry for being cheesy, but—you like cheese ;)

I won't ask why, don't worry. Since I kinda feel the same about Malaysia tbh. It's a love hate relationship, I think HAHA but yeah 😣😣 i don't look up to US at all, and it sucks because people generally do. And I'm just like ;-; why (no offense to Americans tho lol)

is that even legal omg they're so chaotic?? XD how cute tho. Angel does stuff like that all the time too, but I'd never know that when I first met her (she has the most perfect exterior, and then when you get to know her; she's the biggest dork) Schools opening on the 20th, I can't wait to see her then :] (I can, however, wait for the exams which are scheduled for the 25th ugh)

peanut butter is indeed yellow, not up for discussion hehe :) here's my favourite hues!! I love gentle, soft hues like these (pastels) , for yellow; I don't have a favourite. they're all wonderful

ahhh no that's so precious of you!! :)) I'm smiling rn.

yeah skdhskdjsk I'M JUST SO GRRR. Whenever someone goes "hey Ari can you ______" and we both respond?? The tension?? In the air?? Bro skdjskks. 😔🤚 You share a name with one of the most precious characters too tho!!;

This is Shiro from Voltron hehe. I love him so much, just like I love you (tho I'm sure we both know I love you more <3)

I share a name with a book character. His name is Aristotle Mendoza, but his crush-turned-boyfriend calls him "Ari" (which has been my nickname since I was 12). Reading it for the first time was the BEST feeling ever. It's also my favourite book, "Aristotle and Dante discover the secrets of the universe".

—Ari :D (no pfttt I love the tag so much. I have my own tag, that's like the best thing ever 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺)

Heyyy I'm so sorry for answering so late!! I know you said not to apologize but..... well hmm no excuse I just feel like apologizing, but either way thank you for your patience!!♡ This is the third time I'm rewriting this, and this time I'm doing this in my notes because fuck it😔

Im glad to hear that!! Highlands are always so pretty. Wish we had those here, but it's only steppe here:( Boring~ ooh, donuts!!! They're really good. I havent much, but I tried them like 3 times and they're so good. I really hope I will get to eat more<3 also WHAT'S THOSE NOODLES' NAME I WANNA KNOW- Are you feeling okay now, though? XD

My days were nice!!! Felt as if I had been hiding three bodies, but I've been feeling better lately. We had online school yesterday so I'm excused from the errands for the half of the day, thankfully. But your messages make me very happy. Though I dont always feel like writing a response (or I get stressed because it doenst save) so very sorry for that😔

Ohh those look so pretty!! I'd totally join to just look at them. The colors are so nice🥺 it looks like one of our olympiad prep slides, though better. I dont have the screenshots sadly😩 Either way I really love the little details like the squiggly thingies or the Ж .... they seem unnecessary but the energy changes a lot without them hehe

I really hope they will be🥺 that'd mean a lot to me. And I'm also really hopeful itll work out. I really don't wanna disappoint my family, which is literally just one person. The less people there are, the more it hurts, you know?

Yeah, that scene meant so much to me!! I dknt remember much, but I was very happy they said something like that, because I've been told being a translator wont work out for me. Now look at me, I'm about to tell them to fuck themselves<3 I was also so surprised to see Laurent know that many languages ..... I aspire to be like him😩 And honestly, I havent though so deep of that but you opened my eyes and now I'm about to float off into the next universe😭 dont apologize though, its very cute!!!♥︎♥︎

Heheh, I guess you're right.. every single anime INTJ is a silent sexy mastermind and I love them . ... YEAH every single time I see a passing couple i cry because I dont have anyone 😡💔 and sometimes when I see people doing something amusing (which includes people failing cuz I'm evil) I just imagine one of the characters doing that and I smile all the way xD Honestly, I'd sell my father on black market for a single day with one of them:( though that may sound like a really low price because his cigarette filled lungs wouldnt cost a lot... I sound like my 7th grade self again I'm so sorry

BAHQHHANEJWJD I HOPE THEY WERE EMBARRASED. I HOPE THEY FELT AWKWARD AND OTHER PEOPLE DID TOO, they deserve it. Like, learn your lesson bitch, it's been a year!

Yeah!!! I love mayo, not to the point where I would gulp it down from the package, but it does make dishes taste good. Same, soggy cheese on itself sounds like a dish served in the ninth circle of hell. You should try nuts in honey!! Like, just straight up dip them in honey. Sounds weird, and it doesnt always taste NEJFJKSKF (depends on the honey)but I think it's worth trying xD Walnuts are the best with honey I think

That was so funny ... TOO FUNNY, I LAUGHED FOR LIKE . 3MINUTES STRAIGHT and I do not laugh when I'm tired. You really are special 😭😭😭😭 cheesy ... HAHRNFJJSF

I'm so sorry for being a bully like that but it's so funny how you left a single U there . Its so mysterious, was it in purpose? Or were you lost in the excitement if messaging me?

I was one of those people, honestly 😭 but mostly because I wasnt aware of its political condition, I guess. Maybe theres more than just politics that's bad about US, but honestly, it has more opportunities than this hellfire. Though now I'm more into Norway and Japan. Really wanna travel there :(

Heheh, yeah, we never really show off to strangers at first. I dont know what exactly I mean by we, but you get my point ♡ Good luck though!! I hope it goes well for you<3

Oh they looks so pretty!! They're really wonderful. Like bubblegum and cotton candy and literally anything sweet... it's so cute !!! And I totally agree, there isnt a bad yellow.

HAHAH, honestly, that reminds me of how there were 4 people with the same name in my class, and whenever the teacher did the attendance thing, they would all stand up. Teachers usually dont say the last names, so we always gotta ask which person they mean if theres more than one person with that name, so yeah.. That happened on accident at first, but then they just did it for trolling xD

OH MY GOD HES SO PRETTY? HES SO PRECIOUS?? HUHHH??? I gotta thank Kuro for this wonderful opportunity of sharing a name with someone like .... him🥺

Oh that's so cool!! Also, he has a boyfriend ... I really need to start reading xD it's so cute though! It sounds like such a good book, I'm glad you share a name with him, hehe!!

I also share my real name with one of the characters in a kids' show, and its SO ugly, I'm in pain. Every time my friends see one of those on TV they go

Which is a pain in the ass, it's so embarrassing...........

Awh, okay!! I'm glad you love it, cuz I do too. Because it's your name.... cuz I love u. That was so lame PLEASEJWJDJSJF I HOPE YOUR DAY WAS GREAT !!! LOVE YOU

#Ari💕#💞💞💝💝💗💖💗💖💕💝💕💝💓💖💗💖💓💖💕💖💞💓💝💕💝💖💓💖💗💖💞💝💕💘💕💘💖💖💗💖💓💖💖💞💖💝💕💘💘💗💝💗💖💓💖💞💖

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madisonrooney · 5 years

Text

THOUGHTS ON D3

(some of these may be points about stuff we already knew going into it but like now that weve gotten to see it all together its easier to discuss)

- i like what they did with audrey’s plot. her and mal’s relationship did feel pretty unresolved after d1 so im glad they went this route. not to mention being able to bring her back after her being absent in the second. also i like the message that it gave off about being able to be good or bad regardless of where you come from

- i loved hades! he was so fun and i loved how things ended up with him. and DO WHAT YOU GOTTA DO WAS AWESOME probably my fav song. but i cant say im a huge fan of him being mal’s dad. like i loved the way their relationship played out but while the descendants fan in me is happy the disney stickler thinks its a bit too much creative license for them to make a kid the child of two disney characters from two different movies. it also kinda like...almost invalidates her character of “maleficent’s daughter” now shes the daughter of two villains and it?? feels different?? if that makes sense?? could the other VKs possibly have another villain as their other parent?? who knows. also i wish they hadn’t made it so obvious so early like people guessed this A YEAR AND A HALF AGO WHEN THE TEASER CAME OUT. maybe had it just been a few months it wouldnt have been as bad but yeesh. it made the shock factor...well, almost non-existant.

- continuing on their relationship, i thought tackling the idea of an absentee dad was a bold move for a movie like this and i applaud it. not to mention with an upbeat musical number? they really did that

- i loved celia too!! i was afraid she was gonna be more bad news than she was but she was super cute and sweet. loved her friendship with dizzy. and loved getting to see more of dizzy! and even though dr facilier wasnt in it much he was fun. i thought it was sweet that he and celia seemed to have a good relationship. im also glad we got to see lady tremaine! but wheres drizella lol

- also in regards to hades and celia, i liked that they brought in two more movies into the universe that hadnt yet been acknowledged (not counting wicked world or the books). i love both hercules and princess and the frog and while i wouldnt call them underrated theyre not quite as mainstream as some of the other movies in the descendants universe so im happy with that.

- on the other hand, i dont really like it when they get more kids from movies that they already have kids from. in this case, squeaky and squirmy. gil seemed out of place to me when i first watched d2, especially cuz like why would gastons son be a pirate, but since he had some funny lines with ben (in this movie too!) it was worth it. but squeaky and squirmy had no lines with harry? THEY ALMOST DIDNT HAVE ANY LINES AT ALL??? so why couldnt they have had them be kids from a movie they hadnt used yet? the more the merrier imo. idk.

- mal and uma repairing their relationship was like the highlight for me ugh it was so good. i think we all had a feeling that would happen (not just from speculation but from set pics and whatnot) but it felt satisfying regardless. uma saying “im right here mal you got this”? love that

- WE LOVE MORE DRAGON MAL. EVEN MORE THAN IN D2. WE LOVE THAT A LOT.

- WE ALSO LOVE MORE DUDE. OK SO MAYBE THATS JUST ME BUT SCREW IT I LOVE TALKING DOGS SO IM GLAD HE STILL TALKED. DOVE CAMERON AND A TALKING DOG IN THE SAME MOVIE IS BASICALLY PANDERING TO ME OK

- WE ALSO LOVE MALVIE CONTENT!!! love that evie was the only one who knew hades was her dad AND LOVE THAT THEY SAID I LOVE YOU TO EACH OTHER LIKE DAMN. AND DURING MY ONCE UPON A TIME WHEN MAL LIKE CARESSES HER FACE??? LIKE HER INTERACTION WITH HER WAS MORE INTENSE THAN WITH ANYONE ELSE EVEN BEN??? GOOD SHIT

- OK I KNEW ABOUT THE DID I MENTION REPRISE AS OF A FEW DAYS AGO BUT IM A SLUT FOR PARALLELS SO THAT STILL KILLED ME

- any parallels killed me. especially, ofc, ending with “cuz were rotten...to the core” (tho i was hoping the rotten remix thats on the soundtrack would be in the movie)

- loved getting more harry and gil content. gil is so blissfully stupid and precious and i love him and harry is so chaotic and i love him too

- and just...love the sea three bonding with the core four. also it felt well paced. wasnt rushed, had its moments to slowly get us there (mal+uma, jay+gil+harry) it felt like it went just the way it was supposed to.

- the whole series of events felt well paced and well ordered

- tbh i think its hilarious how chad’s douche baggery never dies down. i mean points for consistency i guess

- (did anyone catch the sign on the isle that mentioned monstro? good easter egg)

- (im really going out of order ik)

- one kiss was fun and cute, but i never felt like doug and evie were like...behind in their relationship? if anything i thought as of d2 their relationship was more stable than that of mal and ben

- night falls was a little silly and felt a little too similar to its goin down to me but it served a purpose and it was still fun

- and ofc it was so bittersweet to watch cam. the dedications were heart-wrenching but beautiful.

overall it really could not have been better! great new characters, great development on the characters we love, great soundtrack, and, most importantly, a story that perfectly wraps up the franchise. its hard to get a trilogy right. i love a lot of trilogies but a lot of them have some major flaws. with like say the kung fu panda movies, the 2nd and 3rd feel like theyre about very different things than the first. it doesnt feel like its telling one cohesive story. some have a second that feels unimportant to be between the 1st and 3rd. this just felt like perfectly coming full circle. everything from the beginning of the first movie to the end of the third felt necessary to tell the story. no useless filler, all essential to the plot, adding more as we go and resolving more, but having a hell of a lot of fun the entire time. i remember d2 being one of the most, if not the most, satisfying sequels ive ever seen. maybe part of that has to do with descendants being such a main fandom of mine when it came out, but sometimes, even new additions to my main fandoms can disappoint. these sequels really haven’t. part of that may just have to do with my love for the franchise regardless of the direction it goes in, but i know that it also has to do with just a great job in storytelling. continuing the story and wrapping it up just right. when the first one came out, we didn’t know it would be a trilogy. it works great as a standalone movie, but when you see the third one, you would think it was intended this way from the beginning, which honestly gives it even more power.

it breaks my heart to let this franchise go, but ofc in mal’s words “this is not the end.” with it just coming out, that means its just the beginning of discussions, gifs, memes, fanart, and all that fun stuff. so lets jump right in!

and, as always, every bit of love in my heart goes to cam tonight. we still miss you endlessly and we always will.

#descendants #descendants 3

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honeyfreckled · 5 years

Note

we have talked a few times and im sorry for this but you are the most accepting and easiest person to talk to honestly i dont have many people in my life i can tell anything real to. but the thing is ive been thinging about relapsing a lot more since i broke up with my boyfriend and i work with him so it makes work depressing and impossible to get through a day without crying sorry this is anon but i am scared ily dont hate me i am not trying to stress you out

ok wow first lemme just say: I DO NOT HATE U. EVER.

and don’t be srry i don’t have a lotta ppl irl i can tell my shit to so i get it. pls know u can always ALWAYS ALWAYS come to me, and u dont gotta be scared to come off anon. i get it and it’s ok if u prefer it that way- but pls know i dont keep it on alot bc i get hate and then i turn it off bc i gotta look out for myself and dont post all the hate bc i dont wanna bring yall down or give them the satisfaction of knowing i have given it a read and response. so u can message me or make a sideblog or idk im just saying this so if it’s off later u dont blame yrself or feel scared to come off anon. ok sorelapse is a real thing and it’s fucked and hard and addiction is fucked up and a real life struggle and we dont treat addicts w the real tenderness, respect, kindness, and acceptance they deserve. but u DO deserve it. and there are hotlines, apps, churches, groups, chatrooms/boards, and sites that are more versed in what are the appropriate things to say to u- i say this bc while i’ve been thru it w loved ones i have not myself struggled w addiction w substances. my addictions were to self harm and victimhood so those are the things i searched for help on. but if it’s alright i’d like to give u some tips or things i used and have heard work for addicts of substances

places like i said like churches, groups, chatrooms, sites, apps, hotlines the apps and hotlines are good if u cant travel or want to talk to ppl who wont share their story bc maybe u cant hear it like its not the kinda help ur looking for. hotlines are sometimes tricky bc some of those folks are not educated they are volunteers so judgment leaks thru and in that case u ask to be redirected and report that volunteer so hopefully they dont repeat that kinda mess to other vulnerable folks looking for help

make a list of things, anything. list of foods u like to order, list of things that make u clench yr teeth, what were yr fave gifts you’ve ever got, style icons of urs, hobbies u tried that annoyed u, movies u can always watch, places on yr skin u hate being touched, any list of anything it doesnt have to be the usual thing of “what to live for” bc when yr depressed those kinds of things arent easy to think of. but if u get a list going of like “best things ive ever touched” “sounds that make me laugh” “trends that were stupid af” “popular things that i didnt like n couldnt figure out why they were popular” “weirdest ppl ive met” well those things might get u on a roll of good memories or laughing or seeing that theres more to yr life than what has been occupying yr thoughts

dancing. dance in yr room in the dark. clear some space. put on some headphones. lock yr door. do it in the shower. just dance. i had to start w closing my eyes and picking songs that i was taken by emotionally. songs that made me jump and slamdance tbh and then it’s just gotten more and more something im not as ashamed w. i spent a date night w james just dancing and then we ya know ya know bc the dancing got so wild. now i make playlists of songs that set moods for diff kinds of dancing

watch shows w ppl who arent doing better than u. they dont live in fancy places, they dont do much w their lives, they dont dress better than u, they struggle, they arent eating good food u dont have access to. iasip. freaks and geeks. letterkenny. undeclared. jake and amir. tpb. the state. youtube. tiktok/vine comps. lots of these kinds of vibes on youtube

podcasts. improv comedy podcasts tbh saved my life. comedy bang! bang! has best of’s those are good ones to start w. improv4humans bc matt besser has great guests of some of the best improvisers out there and he has musical guests and they’ll play a song and the improvisers will use it as inspo for a scene

make things. moodboards. pinterest. playlists. fill a shopping cart and tell yrself “i’ll get it when i win the lotto and move away from anyone who knows me so i can be the me i wanna be w/out judgement” make tea. make a meal if u can. make yr bed. clean one thing. clean the sink. hang some clothes or go thru yr drawers and clean them out. throwing things out feels hard at first but then it’s nice bc u feel less bogged down

find something to throw yr obsession at for a bit. something that wont hurt u as bad, being obsessed in general isnt good. everything in moderation irl. too much of something is bad just as much as too less of it can be bad. but yr looking for something lower risk here and if u gotta be obsessed w a celeb or a song or a food that’s ok. yr focusing the energy on something that isnt a substance so be proud of it

give yrself a break. give yrself some credit. everyday isnt gonna be on the “best of your name here’s days” but sometimes u just live to live bc that’s what u do. u wait it out and get thru it and wait for the sun to come back out. and if u cant get outta bed. or if you hate yr job and wanna scream- that’s normal it’s more normal than always being happy ppl just dont like talking abt bc society kinda trains us to hide our fucked upness idk why but thats how it is. they dont wanna tell us to do preventative care until we’re in the pits

all in all- it comes down to (at least for me) not planning w an endgoal in mind. it’s not over til it’s over and rlly we dont know. it’s all fluctuating and not meant to be a finish line we cross and then suddenly we’re done and we dont suffer anymore and the feeling of shit is gone or the risk of relapse is gone and the depression is cleared away never to be seen again. it’s not realistic. bc it isnt real. on the real- risk is always there and the downs and ups mix and run together and depression is not curable (this isnt something to be miserable over tho) depression isnt curable, yeah ok, but it is manageable. it can be quieted down from time to time and if u keep up w yr healthy routines and coping mechanisms- depression will still find its way to u bc the real world is not something u can manage. death in the family, loss of money or job, car breaking down, sickness outta nowhere, depression grows wild when these very real life stressors come into our lives. but all that too eventually gets easier and easier at least from a “ok i have some distance now” standpoint. and then as those days get more and more btwn it u can then be like “oh wow, ive made it thru X amount of days! ive put up w it this long! whats one more day, whats one more week, hell might as well see how much prouder i can feel once ive got a year under my belt!” plus u will be more capable of handling the bullshit if u know u can still find some safe places in yr coping skills or friends or resources.

ok so this is prob a mess but bottomline know this:

I love you and i will be here the best i can should u ever wanna come spill or if u need me to just send u pics of my dog or boring pics of knickknacks or selfies or memes or links or anything just tell me what u need and i will try my best to show u my love. i hope u can see that u reaching out is just already a HUGE major step in the right direction, give yrself credit! thats amazing! yr already doing it pumpkin look at u! it’s hard ik. but i also know if u are capable of saying u have this problem going on, u are capable of getting thru this. u are a light in the world. u offer goodness and u offer yrself and that’s enough. even if yr fucked up right now- u are contributing to the world by simply being u. there is literally NO ONE ELSE WHO IS YOU. so u are unique by definition. i hope u get something from this post and if not i hope it strikes an idea or thing u can do that will help. i hope u know im here and i hope u see this.

i am sending u all my light and love and good vibes and i can’t wait to see or hear from u again. u are never bothering me, a burden, or stressing me out. tbh it stresses me more that u might be struggling and not telling me or anyone. i dont ever want u to suffer in silence bc u feel guilt or scared or anything. u deserve to have a place to voice yr shit. im here to listen if u do wanna tell me anymore.

everyone else-if this helped or if u can think of anything that might help anon or anyone else- feel free to reblog and get some good NONJUDGMENTAL advice or tips and tricks going, but please please please remember to not come off as judgey or flood it with your drama. keep ur drama out of this post so anon or anyone else doesn’t get triggered by it.

and dont ignore my rule and do it anyway and then say some shit like “ik u said not to but i think this will help lol sorry” like we need this post to stay on this vibe that i set in motion and not a struggle contest or dick measuring or all sad personal reminiscing. go make yr own post for that this is NOT the space.

#Anonymous #sorry if this is a mess but i got a lot of feelings abt the shitty advice that's out there for addicts and i dont know shit except my ideas #and all i can do is pass it along but pls still remember there are plenty more things that could work so if these dont strike a chord lmk #and i can try to think of more and reach out to my friends who are addicts and see what works for them #i love you i love you and i love you and i like you

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pinkykitten · 6 years

Text

By your side

The Greatest Showman

P.T. Barnum x female! reader

Warning: reader having a panic attack

Specifics: romance, one-shot, race neutral reader

People: P.T. Barnum, you, driver (oc, mentioned), group of people (oc, mentioned)

Words: 1,058

Requested: By anonymously Hey, I absolutely adore your writing! Could you do a P.T. x reader where the reader has bad anxiety and gets a panic attack about going on stage and P.T. comforts them? Only if you’re feeling up to it tho💕

Authors Note: thank u anon ur so sweet! srry this took so long and im srry this doesnt have more words but i kinda had writers block in the middle. i havent written a pt fic in a while lol i kinda miss it! i hope i wrote about a panic attack correctly if i havent pls message me or just tell me how i can write it better and more appropriate. thnx for the request guys and i luv to hear what u guys think.

Your palms were sweating, your knees buckling against each other, your eyes in a trance in a day dream.

Nervous was an understatement, you were terrified at the most. You were a singer in P.T. Barnum’s circus. You sang only in front of Phineas and some of your friends but you have never sang in front of a numerous amount of people. This was your first concert.

You almost collapsed when Phineas told you about the news of you singing. The truth was you have had a history with panic attacks. You wanted to tell Phineas but you could tell in his eyes and the way he smiled that he was just so excited for you to sing. You didn’t want to burn that fire within him.

You practiced your song many times out loud and in your head.

Nodding to yourself while staring out the window of the carriage you sang quietly the lyrics. Phineas sat beside you and seeing that you were nervous, clutched your hand.

Your head whipped to both yours and Phineas’s hands together.

“Don’t be nervous y/n. You’re gonna do great out there.” Phineas reassured you, rubbing your hand with his gloved one.

You chuckled, “that’s laughable Mr. Barnum, usually when someone tells you not to be nervous it just makes them more anxious.”

Phineas took his hand away from yours quickly, leaving you a bit saddened. You placed your tiny hand compared to his on your lap, clutching your skirt. You stared out the window again, seeing the white snowflakes dance across the sky.

You smiled and touched Phineas on his shirt, “look Mr. Barnum. Isn’t it the most beautiful thing you have ever seen?”

Phineas nodded, “its beautiful but not the most beautiful.” He then looked at you and whispered, “you are.”

You turned your attention to him with a startled face. “Did you say something?”

Phineas shook his head, “nothing just...remember to hold your head up high when you sing.”

Your looked down to your hands again. Suddenly the carriage came to a halt.

“We are here Mr. Barnum.” The driver announced.

Barnum thanked the driver while you got help getting out.

You waited for Phineas to come around and you wrapped your arm around his.

“May I just say y/n, your dress is stunning on you. You look like a queen.” Phineas whispered to you.

You looked away bashful at his words but thanked him.

Your shoulders peaked out just enough to call your dress risky, but you liked it that way. You wore a coat on top as you were outside.

Walking up to the place your name in a poster was hanged up as big as can be. “Queen of music, Y/n.” You chuckled. “I love it Mr. Barnum. I think it really catches your sarcastic attitude.”

As you entered the building there were many folks there. Wanting your signature or maybe a photograph with you. You clutched onto Phineas’s arm the whole time. Your nerves igniting again.

You shrugged your coat off and everyone gasped in the room at your beauty. You thought you could even hear Phineas gasp a little.

As you walked closer to the stage your heart started to pound faster and faster.

“Phineas I don’t think I can do this.” You desperately said, your eyes begging Phineas to let you go.

Phineas’s expression though was of shock.

“What is wrong?”

Phineas giggled, “No its just, you have never called me by my first name before.”

You stood still for a moment remembering the moments prior to this one and you looked up into Phineas’s eyes shocked.

“You’re right. Oh, please do forgive me Mr. Barnum, its just the nerves and everything.”

“Y/n, I’m not mad. Actually far from it. From now on I would greatly appreciate you calling me by my first name. It sounds like a melody coming from your lips.”

You were very bashful in this moment.

“Y/n you’re on in less than an hour. Get ready.”

You looked at Phineas and then you peaked through the curtains. The amount of people was astonishing.

“I don’t, Phineas, I don’t. I think, I’m gonna.” You were trying to find the words, your heart was beating so quickly. You felt scared and you felt you were being suffocated. Your whole entire environment felt like a blur like a movie. All their voices and words didn’t come to you, it was as if they were speaking gibberish.

“C’mon y/n, you can’t do this. Not here not now.” You told yourself in your head.

Your breathing became erratic, you tried breathing through your nose and then out your mouth but it was not working.

Phineas saw this and quickly kneeled down to you, since he was so much taller than you.

“Y/n, sweetheart please look at me. Can you look at me?”

You shook your head and clutched your chest. You were having a panic attack.

“Breathe y/n, you have to breathe. Breathe for me. In and out.”

You tried but you just felt alone, you felt lost.

“I got you y/n. I am here.”

You breathed in and out, while Phineas held your hand.

In and out.

After a few moments your heart was beating normally and your breathing was slow and appropriate.

“Y/n are you okay?”

You looked at Phineas’s face into his eyes. “Phineas I am scared. I should of told you, but I have had panic attacks in the past. I’m sorry.”

Phineas caressed your face and shook his head. “Y/n why are you sorry. I’m sorry for wanting you to do this and not caring about you being nervous. You are really important to me. I am right here for you y/n.”

You smiled and leaned your forehead against his. “Thank you.”

“You don’t have to sing if you are not comfortable with it.”

No you needed to do this. You promised every one and you were not going to let your anxiety get the best of you. You stood proud and tall.

“I told everyone I was going to sing, then that is what I am going to do. I am going to sing my best.”

Phineas grinned the biggest grinned and kissed your hand, standing tall as well. “If that is the decision that you have choose then I will be by your side through it all.”

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starrysence · 5 years

Note

Javid headcanons? Ps I love your writing!!

oooooo javid havent written for these boys in a WHILE. and thank you anon!!! thats really sweet of you to say !! :)

●ok guys you should know i love dad friend jack kelly with all my heart. he just seems like he'd be so great w/ all the boys y'know???▪this boy is an absolute disaster when it comes to taking care of himself tho▪at 4am davey is just straight-up concerned "jack why arent you asleep yet"▪"sorry i was about to go to sleep but one of the kids had a nightmare"▪also hes literally ready to Fight anyone who even looks at one of the boys the wrong way●modern day jack babysits You Cant Change My Mind▪hear me out tho davey's parents know medda and medda 100% recommends jack as a babysitter if they ever need one ▪and sometimes davey is tutoring kids so they do have jack babysit les (whos very stubborn at first bc "im responsible!!!! i dont need no babysitter!!" but warms up to jack rlly quickly)▪one time davey comes home early and sees les and jack howling with laughter over lord knows what and his heart just kinda??? "ashdbchzjs" y'know?▪"oh hey dave les was just telling me about that time you tripped in the band room and fell into a bass drum"▪"he was telling you WHAT"●the generic snow hc all of u shouldve seen coming: jack loves the snow and everything but davey Does Not▪probably bc davey gets sick so easily in the winter ▪he has to admit tho,, jack looks gorgeous in the snow (buckle up its gettin gay)▪sometimes he'll really just be staring at jack and jack doesnt? realise??? for the longest time?▪but then davey decides to throw a snowball at him and shit gets WILD▪theyre both shuddering by the time they get back inside but it was worth it ● yall these two absolutely love movie nights▪disney movies tho?? and cheesy rom coms??? yes. sign them UP▪they almost never get through the movie tho bc they always end up making out oops▪but sometimes they REALLY want to watch the movie and get through it and so they go full out▪BLANKETS and FOOD▪oh my god theres so much food●jack is like? a really physical person?? hes literally never afraid to make physical contact with anybody its basically a natural reflex for him▪davey discovers this when they start hanging out▪jack is like?? always touching daveys arm or tracing shapes somewhere on his body or resting his head on davey's shoulder▪davey knows its nothing big to jack but it always makes him blush so hard hes so mad at himself for it▪jack is such an idiot it takes him MONTHS to notice▪even when he does▪"???? dave ur face is really red are you okay?"▪davey is about to burst bc jack is SUCH an idiot but also? cute?? so cute ●whenever davey is sick jack is at his side basically 24/7▪"jackie its a cold not a 100-degree fever"▪"shhhhhh lemme take care of you"▪he'll give davey like every blanket he can find and make him soup and everything ▪davey honestly thinks its unnecessary but sweet▪jack thinks it is totally necessary and simply a way to show that hes a Good Boyfriend (like davey didnt know that already ,,,,)●jack uses a lot of pet names??? it drives davey wild▪"baby" he loses his mind▪"sugar" his heart bursts▪"sweetheart" hes dying ▪even when jack is just tired and calls him "dave" hes practically swooning▪it takes jack so long to realise but he ABSOLUTELY uses it to his advantage once he does lmao▪you uh.... interpret that last part however you want to●sometimes they have really intense arguments over fairly small things▪like one time jack hurt himself really bad in the kitchen on accident and kept trying to tell davey he could clean himself up▪he ended up having to yell rlly loud to get his point across??▪and they couldnt talk to each other a little while after that ▪maybe like a half hour?? but they made up●les jacobs is the ultimate wingman bitches▪ok literally one time when jack is babysitting hes like "you really like my brother a lot dont you??"▪theyre like watching a movie and eating snacks and jack nearly chokes▪"w ha t"▪"its ok he likes you too, you guys should go on a date sometime"▪"W H A T"▪needless to say davey is VERY confused when he comes home to les looking smug as heck and jack staring at him w/ wide eyes●DAVEY PROPOSES SHHH▪its around their 5th or 6th anniversary?? and jack os like "i think it would be really nice to be a jacobs one day"▪was it a hint? was it not? davey didnt know for sure but he decided to take it as one since theyre literally like a month away from their anniversary lol▪so its really sweet???? davey does manage to get his whole lil speech out without crying so much he has to stop▪but lets be real theyre both in tears by the time jack says yes

×××

i really.. dont know how i feel about these and im sorry if they suck )): its been a weird week lol

-sanj 💕

tag list:

@but-let-us-seize-the-day

@one-candy-cane-please

@suddenly-im-respecsable

@intoomanyfandomstopickaname

@be-more-chill-evan-hansen

@aw-jus-let-em-try

@bencookisagod

@well-the-kids-do-too

@auspicioustarantula

@spot-conlon-king-of-brooklyn

@have-we-got-news-for-you

@not-a-scab

@newsiesgarbage

@pineappapizza

@andthewoildwillknow

@concrete--donuts

@stopthe-presses

@thomasbeingthomas

@i-love-loki-and-sherlock

@maxvanna

@spot-me50-papes

[if you want to be added to my tag list, please shoot me an ask or a message letting me know! i’d be happy to add you!]

#newsies #newsies live #newsies 1992 #davey jacobs #david jacobs #jack kelly #javid #javey #sanj scribbles

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frida--y · 5 years

Text

first kr series i watched n i didnt do a good long text post about it!

man shinji is still my favorite protag, he’s such a strong character and such a dumbass at the same time. i LOVE how when yui was threatening to kill herself to stop the fighting and ren was saying that he would use the fighting to force a new life for her, shinji was on her side, saying we should consider her feelings and to what she wants, a true feminist icon. he considers the feelings of others so strongly that when he wanted to close the mirror world, he started to see what the others were fighting for and thought to himself that he didnt have the right to dismiss their reasons to fight (ren wanted to bring his gf back from a coma and kitaoka not wanting to die). he is very empathetic, it shows in his introduction when he is disputing a traffic incident he wasnt even involved in lmaoo and is present throughout the whole show. it’s sadly his “downfall” as he tries to take on all the problems everyone has- he wears himself thin and doubts himself multiple times, but honestly i think that trait of his is very strong.

him becoming a rider by chance is really on point of him lol i really love that he shaped this into his purpose as a rider “to protect people, including riders.” he truly wanted the fighting to stop and at the end and even finally brought up the resolve to close the mirror world, knowing it will displease others, but.. ya know whats happens at the end... :’)

ren....number one asshole 2nd rider.. what else can i say.

he frustrated me, because he was so mean n closed off to shinji for such a long time lol (everything that i love in a character) it’s hard to fault him when he’s as self sacrificing as shinji (to a degree.. lmao). he only fights for eri and tries to overcome the hurdle of killing and he ultimately cant when it comes down to it, it’s great to see the limits of his conviction, of course he doesnt have it in him to kill, he’s one of our heroes after all.

;_;

he really showed how much he valued shinji’s friendship at the end, to go from not bothering to understand shinji’s moral dilemma, to fully understanding where he is coming from, it’s the resolution of their friendship. i cannot speak what happened in the last two episodes lol i cry!

uuuuu these two....THEY!!

god did kitaoka grow on me lol, he was such a bastard; made shinji believed he killed someone, thinks he’s hot/smart, and thinks his better than others and above them in terms of class. then once you learn that hes dying and is going to die very soon, it really changes your perspective on him, especially since no one knows it (shinji does, like the day before the huge fight iirc).

it’s such an easy thing to dismiss him, when he’s actually interesting if you look hard enough. even if he’s been haughty seemingly all his life, goro has really changed his life. when he’s at last days all he talks about is how goro is going to fine without him.. ;_;

kitaoka isnt a hero, because to him becoming a hero is when you lose; he doesnt go and save goro because of the possibility of dying, he’s too afraid of dying and he’s supposed to be all about himself, so his wish is for immortality (though im assuming that’s a front considering how bad his illness is wrecking his body, he just wants to live). he even says to asakura that he wishes that he could be like him, free to act as he pleases without concern for his actions. i wonder what was his dream in the past that he gave it up a long time ago (prob living forever with goro) and what is his hidden hobby haha also the irony of the sick and dying man having the strongest attack and the biggest weapons *chef’s kiss*

oh, aaannnndddd ive already said this but, favorite suit from ryuki

i do like the other riders too; gai is the ultimate bastard (a gamer lol), his death was purely to show that we are heading towards the end. tiger hit me hard emotionally (displayed ryuki’s themes), his twisted idea of what is a hero is what we think of in all honestly. we often go “they have suffered so much!! they’re my hero!! ;A;” and tiger twists that into “i have to kill my father-figure and my only friend so i can suffer and become a hero!” it makes his death have so much impact as he acts on an impulse to save a random father and son since they reminded him of the professor.

imperer and raia are great too, raia... he... i love him.. in another lifetime i think he and shinji are happy :’’’) as well as tezuka’s bf. sano............. pain.... ryuki is pain....

yeah... ryuki is fucked up with its message daring to state that a “hero” isnt someone who suffers the most, a hero is someone who believes in themselves and decides what’s right from wrong. <-- a thing i kinda miss in recent riders, but the obvious choice of right and wrong is an easier thing to write.

of course special mention to asakura, too horny to live

what a change in the mood of the story, riders were now being killed, and the mirror world monsters are now getting stronger. he fights because he loves it, kills because he can, theres nothing to it, it’s just the excitement of the fight and that’s why i love him. a simple character with simple motivations and yet he’s my all time favorite villain lmao

i end my talk about my favorite kamen rider series with the most beautiful shots of the series

yui deserved better, the fact that the series ends with her accepting her death as a child and choosing to stay in the mirror world for the sake of the other riders and her brother... whoah..

#text #maybe i'll do ones for ooo n w #kamen rider ryuki

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crafiet · 5 years

Note

1-50 OC questionnaire !!

ill use ary

1. What’s their full name? Why was that chosen? Does it mean anything?anyone else paranoid about people stealing their unpublished work or ideas or name bc me. her name is ary and i found it from a generator [lmao so original] and i thought it was cute. her last name is like pretty standard for fantasy and it inspired me to have everyone elses last names in a similar vibe2. Do they have any titles? How did they get them?WELL lmao shes had a lot. prisoner #22876, the wraith, princess ary. ive scrapped all except the prisoner one and u can guess how she got it3. Did they have a good childhood? What are fond memories they have of it? What’s a bad memory? she was raised among royals and nobles so she has a lot of good memories with her parents and other kids her age running around doing dumb shit. most of her bad memories happen once she becomes a teenager4. What is their relationship with their parents? What’s a good and bad memory with them? Did they know both parents? she has an overwhelming love for her parents, she idolizes them heavily and is grateful for how much they taught her. a good memory is probably them teaching her how to use magic for the first time and she being unable to control it and almost burning her eyebrows off lmao5. Do they have any siblings? What’s their names? What is their relationship with them? Has their relationship changed since they were kids to adults?no siblings6. What were they like at school? Did they enjoy it? Did they finish? What level of higher education did they reach? What subjects did they enjoy? Which did they hate?tbh i havent thought much about their education system as young kids, since its not really relevant and i dont tend to worldbuild stuff that never shows up. however she did attend an academy specifically for her magic caste and she had a fun time up until some shit went down and she deserted. shes pretty competitive and liked versing her friends7. Did they have lots of friends as a child? Did they keep any of their childhood friends into adulthood? she was one of those weird kids who preferred hanging out with her parents over everybody else. so she had one good friend in the academy whos still her friend today, but otherwise she would race home and annoy her mum lol8. Did they have pets as a child? Do they have pets as an adult? Do they like animals? no pets. she has a soft spot for horses though, because she has had so many in her “career”9. Do animals like them? Do they get on well with animals? horses like her, i guess they can sense shes good with them. at one point in the novel she sees some jackals and is afraid of them so shes probably not a dog person10. Do they like children? Do children like them? Do they have or want any children? What would they be like as a parent? Or as a godparent/babysitter/ect?she doesnt have anything against kids, but shes not very good with them, shes never been one for baby talk or dumbing herself down. in one draft she takes care of some adolescents and lets cyri take over bc he loves kids lol11. Do they have any special diet requirements? Are they a vegetarian? Vegan? Have any allergies?nahh12. What is their favourite food? uhhhhhhhhhhhhh13. What is their least favourite food?uhHHHHHH14. Do they have any specific memories of food/a restaurant/meal?man idk, its not like my characters arent well rounded realistic people but im not gonna know her favourite fucking colour bc it doesnt matter in the story lmao15. Are they good at cooking? Do they enjoy it? What do others think of their cooking?i would say shes ok, she doesnt burn anything but shes not a gourmet chef [despite having lessons as a child]16. Do they collect anything? What do they do with it? Where do they keep it? ohh i used to have an answer for this but she probably doesnt now just bc shes pretty nomadic and usually only has the clothes on her back lmao17. Do they like to take photos? What do they like to take photos of? Selfies? What do they do with their photos?cameras dont exist in her world my dudee. but if she lived in modern day which ive thought of, shed be the type to take a bunch of pics of her friends and stuff she likes bc she likes having the memory in a solid form, her actual memory is shit lol18. What’s their favourite genre of: books, music, tv shows, films, video games and anything elsehmm i suppose shed be a horror fan, and shed love making fun of stupid characters19. What’s their least favourite genres?man idk. romance? shes kinda #2edgy4me20. Do they like musicals? Music in general? What do they do when they’re favourite song comes?hmm i think shes more a soft music fan, just something idly playing in the background. ex. a bard playing something for the crowd while she kicks back w friends21. Do they have a temper? Are they patient? What are they like when they do lose their temper?she has a short temper. shes easily triggered with any emotion so shes quick to argue or whatever22. What are their favourite insults to use? What do they insult people for? Or do they prefer to bitch behind someone’s back?id like to think shes witty, and she always says stuff to peoples faces bc a bitch has rabies and wants to fight apparently23. Do they have a good memory? Short term or long term? Are they good with names? Or faces?bad memory, shes gone through physical torture and isolation [wew] so. shes better at names, growing up with royals she got to learn a bunch of family names etc24. What is their sleeping pattern like? Do they snore? What do they like to sleep on? A soft or hard mattress?a light sleeper. crazy light. and she can sleep anywhere, so she has no problems sleeping on the ground unlike others25. What do they find funny? Do they have a good sense of humour? Are they funny themselves?she pretends to be stoic but when u get to know her her humour’s pretty lame, shell laugh at anything if just to make u feel better26. How do they act when they’re happy? Do they sing? Dance? Hum? Or do they hide their emotions? she tends to hide them under an indifferent mask27. What makes them sad? Do they cry regularly? Do they cry openly or hide it? What are they like they are sad?despite being able to hide her emotions, she does succumb to fear a lot and cries openly, but will continue to do whatever shes doing through tears so shes scary in that regard28. What is their biggest fear? What in general scares them? How do they act when they’re scared?abandonment is a huge one. shes not a fan of predatory animals. shes brave though, and will do whatevers necessary, kinda like unwilling exposure therapy lol29. What do they do when they find out someone else’s fear? Do they tease them? Or get very over protective? she doesnt like exploiting people so shell never use someones fear against them. for friends, shell protect them and warn them if something like that is gonna happen30. Do they exercise? Regularly? Or only when forced? What do they act like pre-work out and post-work out?lmao she walks or goes horse riding everywhere and is severely malnourished31. Do they drink? What are they like drunk? What are they like hungover? How do they act when other people are drunk or hungover? Kind or teasing?i just wrote a scene like this!! shes louder in general, laughs more. her guard comes down more and more with every drink. she can hold her liquor pretty well but when shes blacked out shes pretty much useless32. What do they dress like? What sorta shops do they buy clothes from? Do they wear the fashion that they like? What do they wear to sleep? Do they wear makeup? What’s their hair like?she prefers comfort and mobility over everything else. she tends to dress pretty masculine, and never does anything with her hair. does she know what a brush is?33. What underwear do they wear? Boxers or briefs? Lacey? Comfy granny panties?...................ask her lol idk. probably just basic comfy ones34. What is their body type? How tall are they? Do they like their body?she is 5′9. when shes healthy, she has a willowy figure but more on the boxy side than curvy. she doesnt really attribute much to her body [imagine living life without dysmorphia mfg]35. What’s their guilty pleasure? What is their totally unguilty pleasure? i dont she counts anything as a ‘guilty’ pleasure. she just enjoys what she enjoys, fuck whatever people think36. What are they good at? What hobbies do they like? Can they sing?she loves fishing! she used to do it a lot with her dad. i dont think shes a particularly good singer37. Do they like to read? Are they a fast or slow reader? Do they like poetry? Fictional or non fiction?yeah she likes reading. she reads pretty fast and prefers nonfiction. she thinks poetry can get too pretentious lmao38. What do they admire in others? What talents do they wish they had?#deep but i think she admires kindness and care in others. she wishes she was a better person at times and wants to be able to express how much people meant to her39. Do they like letters? Or prefer emails/messaging? lmao letters are the only thing in her world. if she lived w us shed probably be all about texting 600 in a row and then calling when u dont reply “what do u mean you cant answer. its called INSTANT messaging for a reason!!”40. Do they like energy drinks? Coffee? Sugary food? Or can they naturally stay awake and alert?she stays awake through sheer willpower shes a beast41. What’s their sexuality? What do they find attractive? Physically and mentally? What do they like/need in a relationship?shes bi/pan. not really a thing about labels in her world. she loves long hair and soft personalities42. What are their goals? What would they sacrifice anything for? What is their secret ambition?plot spoilers!!43. Are they religious? What do they think of religion? What do they think of religious people? What do they think of non religious people?shes not religious. there is a heavy theme of religion in the novel [which i need to write better in the second draft] but she was kinda skeptical as a child and probably lost faith entirely after she went through some harrowing stuff 44. What is their favourite season? Type of weather? Are they good in the cold or the heat? What weather do they complain in the most? winter. she prefers the cold and hates heat45. How do other people see them? Is it similar to how they see themselves? i think people see her as scarier than she is. shes a formidable opponent and does not give a fuck what you say, but her reputation precedes her a little bit, a lot of things she did out of fear or force are seen as ‘badass’ and ‘brave’46. Do they make a good first impression? Does their first impression reflect them accurately? How do they introduce themselves?shes a compulsive liar, and a good one at that. so she tends to show herself differently to almost everyone she meets, but usually its a false potrayal47. How do they act in a formal occasion? What do they think of black tie wear? Do they enjoy fancy parties and love to chit chat or loathe the whole event?ugh she haaaaaates formal stuff and parties. she grew up royal and had to suffer through many a dinner and gathering. at this point in her life youd never get her in a dress that impeded her movement. shes ok with dresses but really big poofy ones she refuses to wear48. Do they enjoy any parties? If so what kind? Do they organise the party or just turn up? How do they act? What if they didn’t want to go but were dragged along by a friend? in our world shed be one for a chill house party. show up with a case of beer, sit outside by the barbie, listen to music and talk shit. shes not good at organising so she doesnt tend to host, and if she were dragged by a friend itd probably be to a formal event or with people she didnt know so shed just sulk in the corner49. What is their most valued object? Are they sentimental? Is there something they have to take everywhere with them?she abandoned her material possessions before the story a. bc she was forced and b. they bring back way too many painful memories50. If they could only take one bag of stuff somewhere with them: what would they pack? What do they consider their essentials? food, change of clothes, weapons. thats about it. she tries not to be super nasty and find an inn to shower and stuff but shes also poor af

#writing #this was really helpful actually!!!!#i realise how much of my flaws and traumas i project onto her #love a self-insert/emotional support character #cloudybookash

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the-kipsabian · 5 years

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Also sparkleharper and/or spaceharper

sparkleharper ~

Who offers their jacket when the other is cold?jared. this smol thing on his side cant be cold, nope he wont allow. his sparkles will keep him warm lol

Who giggles uncontrollably when the other playfully picks them up?idk how many times i can repeat myself, but mads will just. yell. and she cant pick up jared so yep

Who compliments the other in front of everyone?jareddddd. mostly cause thats just what he does tbh. and mads doesnt need to say anything to compliment him in front of everybody tbh, everyone already knows how fantastic the school senpai is lol

Who is more likely to tell the other a pun and what is the other’s reaction to the pun?i think in this case the puns fall on mads to deliver? being the courteous gentleman that he is, jared laughs. pretty much every time, not even depending whether he gets it or not tbh

When one of them has a bad day, what does the other do to help cheer them up?jared puts up a “fashion show” for mads, completed with a photoshoot session of goofy outfits and expressions and googly eyes. when jared needs to distress, mads sits him down, asks him to ramble to her about any recent d&d games and help him plot some really stupid and lighthearted side quests while having a relaxing cup of tea and some kit made cookies

If they got to pick what one another wears for a day, what would one another wear?blue. lots of blue. mads wants jared to wear his blue shirt (”its pretty and its soft and you look so nice in it”) and jared insist she wears one of his shirts (”cause its adorable, they are so big on you”) and her favorite pair of blue jeans. i dont think i need to say why anymore at this point lol

Who introduces their partner to their family first? How does it go?for this, i wanna say mads? jared obviously isnt too keen on introducing anyone to his family, and while mads is very hesitant about this, especially since this is a super well-behaved boy its. gonna get very awkward considering what kind of a bunch of normies my family is mmmm. but jared is a good boio underneath all that rich senpai stuff, so it would probably go very well in the end, actually

In a coffee shop AU, who would be the coffee shop employee and who would be the customer?jared is too pretty to work as a coffee shop employee sssooo hes the customer, and mads is the daydreaming waitress woo

When they sit side by side, do they touch one another? For example, does one person has their arm around the other, do they sit holding hands, or linked arms, ECT.jared definitely. has at least one arm flung around her at like all times. if he needs to be more discreet in like a more public place or whatnot, he holds her hand under the table

What is a small thing that one another does to make their partner happy?jared definitely tries to befriend the stray cats tbh. mads takes his encouragement about herself to heart and whenever jared is feeling down or just generally missing her, she send him little video messages to cheer him on and selfies she wouldnt sent to anyone else cause jared keeps saying he loves seeing her and that makes him happy so dang it shes gonna push past her comfort zone to be more comfortable with herself and make him happy

What would they do to celebrate their one year anniversary?jared would arrange something very elaborate tbh. take her to dinner, possibly see a movie, go to the arcade, win her everything she wants, walks in the moonlight.. literally anything that he can think of, and he would fit it into either one day or over the weekend, if mads seems like shes gonna get exhausted by it

When did they know that loved each other, and when did they first tell each other that they loved one another?i feel like they both had like. hard time actually recognizing when it was love tbh? like yeah mads first falls for him cause of aesthetic reasons, and jared is playing the senpai card of loving every girl, so you cant really tell on the outside when its actually love or when either of them develop like real feelings, but at some point it just. kinda becomes obvious that oh shit i. love this person?? and yeah its jared who definitely says it first tho. its like an offhand remark at first and mads is like ‘what did you say’ and jared repeats it and realizes that oh heck i. actually do mean this??

Who likes to give the other hugs from behind followed by a kiss?jared does this as a combo, mads sneaks in little kisses when hes piggybacking her around tbh

Who would make a playlist for the other person? What would be featured on the playlist?i feel like mads would do that? jared is more about more expensive presents, while mads cant really afford that so she has to pull something selfmade together and yeah, that happens. its mostly like ambient sounds and background music tbh, stuff she thinks will inspire him and what he could use for d&d games and maybe some more upbeat stuff for the fashion shows and for better days

Who would bring their partner on a romantic date under the stars?they could both do this tbh? mads wants to surprise him so she arranges a little cuddling under a blanket while stargazing moment, and jared just does this a lot in general

~~~~~~~~

spaceharper ~

Who offers their jacket when the other is cold?jeff. mom friend habits kick in and they kick in hard. this has also probably been established somewhere in the canon of this route anyways lol

Who giggles uncontrollably when the other playfully picks them up?im gonna keep repeating myself but mads. except that she yells. put her down yall pls

Who compliments the other in front of everyone?mmm i wanna say jeff? but its like. really soft things and its done in almost unnoticeable fashion, like its just really offhand comments like “oh shes so sweet” etc. unless its something that she has given him a permission to share about her writing. then jeff will lose his freaking mind cause eveRYONE NEEDS TO SEE THIS THING MY GF DID OMG

Who is more likely to tell the other a pun and what is the other’s reaction to the pun?i’d imagine jeff is more of a pun man out of these two. he does it very casually tho, like most of the time its not on purpose or he doesnt put much emphasis on it, so most of the time mads just misses it. if she gets it tho, she will most likely laugh

When one of them has a bad day, what does the other do to help cheer them up?jeff arranges some cuddle time, with the help of kit builds a blanket fort, gets some scented candles, and they just cuddle up with some strays and play animal intersection. if its jeff that needs destressing, mads will literally cling onto him until he sits down and just takes it easy - which is her cue to throw a blanket on him, get jeff a cup of tea and just sit down and talk about random nonsense with him to make sure he takes a break from everything

If they got to pick what one another wears for a day, what would one another wear?onesies all day every day. jeff in a hamster onesie, and mads in a fox one

Who introduces their partner to their family first? How does it go?jefffffff. i think ive crossed this topic enough times by now tbh lol

In a coffee shop AU, who would be the coffee shop employee and who would be the customer?mmmm i’d say jeff is the customer? i could see him working in a coffee shop tho, but this pair feels better to me with mads behind the counter tho

When they sit side by side, do they touch one another? For example, does one person has their arm around the other, do they sit holding hands, or linked arms, ECT.jeff does what mads feels comfortable at the moment. usually its just limited to hand holding, tho if they are in relax mode, like playing games and mads doesnt wanna be too cuddled up but still wants to be close enough to jeff, there will at least be her legs in his lap

What is a small thing that one another does to make their partner happy?jeff brings sweets and stray cats. hes also always available for cuddles and advice when needed. mads sends him stupid pictures of her with googly eyes and gets him hamster related gifts cause they made her think of him

What would they do to celebrate their one year anniversary?STARGAZING WITH CANDLE LIGHT PICNIC NEXT QUESTION

When did they know that loved each other, and when did they first tell each other that they loved one another?jeff helps her through some rough times and shes like. oh heck i like this boi like. LIKE him. oh dear goodness me what do. jeff comes somewhere afterwards as they spend more time together and thats where the whole ‘you wanna join hidden club’ thing comes along and only after that jeff has it in him to actually tell her how she feels mmmmalso it would. probably actually be mads who tells him first? jeff has hard time opening up about his feelings even if they are there, so it falls on her to confess about it first yay

Who likes to give the other hugs from behind followed by a kiss?both honestly? tho jeff needs to be sitting down for this lol, but yeah they both do it. its just a cute little way to show the other that hey im glad youre here

Who would make a playlist for the other person? What would be featured on the playlist?probably both? with both asking help from luke cause oh my god wHAT DO

Who would bring their partner on a romantic date under the stars?mads? its one of those nights when jeff really needs to destress and she knows how much he likes space and stars and stuff so she basically drags him out to just lay on the grass and stare up at the sky like yes pls jeff tell me about your plan to shoot hamsters into space again tho i mean when you put it like that its not like. super romantic pfff but you know it doesnt need to be romantic as long as it makes him happy

#asagao!mads #sparkleharper #spaceharper #its been so long since i did spaceharper stuff oh wow #anyways heres thingsssssss yay <3 #coughedfeathers #thank you for asking! <3

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survivorredemptionislands · 3 years

Text

Ep 1 Confessionals Pt 1 | "Rough With a Captial Ugh" - Stephen

I will not be invisible this season! Okay but in all honesty I still think it’s funny I’m the only one who’s managed to snag that award. The galaxy edge alumni are acting like we have never met each other before which is really funny. I guess because for some of us it was a fever dream lol💜 I’m trying to fix any bonds I may have broken that season and start anew with people. This is redemption and I’m going to play my heart out. Xoxo Jessie

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Night 1 has been good. I’ve talked to 2/3 of the people on my team. I haven’t spoken to Isaiah yet since he is a late addition and I think at work (I just know he said he couldn’t talk until later). But I got along with him well in Sunset Rodeo, I just hope he is more active here because I would like to actively work with him. I’m really not feeling these small teams tho bc that’s scary since there are so few options so you gotta make sure you’re talking with everyone consistently. I just hope everyone on my team resists the temptations and gives all their items up so we can remain safe and get the reward. Based on the other seasons I can see the crystal kingdom team losing bc Shane was a villain and I can see him continue that. Overall this is a good cast and there are a good amount of people I want to work with, let’s just hope that they want to work with me as well. For now that’s all...stay litty.

Hello from the mystical beyond, ooooooooooOOOooOOoOOoOOOOOOooohhhhhh... Ghost Team. Way cool. The first season of Tumblr Survivor I ever played had a similar twist and I'm geeking out over how full circle this is. Love love love it. Truly #blessed. So, night one and my team has already chatted a bit, had a call to sort out the challenge, and enough time has passed since that I feel comfortable giving point-form thoughts. Daisy: INCREDIBLY cool. Been a long while since I've clicked with anyone this naturally off the bat. We made a few dumb jokes pre-call, kept up the good vibes during, geeked out over music afterward. Not someone I see myself writing down soon. Lily: Seems pleasant, and not only happy but eager to take on the team leader role. I stepped back and let her take the reins but I have to admit that I'm very worried on this challenge because of it — more below. As a person, Lily strikes me as sweet. I'll have to make a point of discussing Sea of Thieves with her because she mentioned playing it, and I've been playing more recently with some buddies. Luke: Didn't get to chat tons, but I like what he's putting down. Seems almost happy-go-lucky, but with a definite ability to shift gears and be a pain when the situation calls for it. I like him so far and hope our conversation evolves past our respective geographies, but it's hard to fault him for it when we linked up at about 2 a.m. his time. Lydia: Aw, I love Lydia! We've got a history in games, mostly good. But she also knows I'm good and I know they're good. I suspect it won't be long before that's out and one of us needs to cut the other to get further. If Lydia cuts me, no beef no qualms. I'd hope the same in the inverse. But my intent is to run as far as we can together. Challenge: Nervous. I made a point of immediately mentioning the time tiebreaker and how it may benefit us to just dump everything. It's something I've seen before where a similar challenge happened, and only one or two people took things, making them an obvious target. So if the same pattern follows here... we're all but assured to be going to pirate council. Lily was very assertive in deciding that we should keep powers. Since then, I've heard from Lydia and Daisy suggesting they may just abandon everything, which I'd be SO happy to hear. Even if we do go, though, I THINK I'd be okay on this team? idk everyone seems chill. Ugh this is already more than I wanted to write. Sorry I promise I won't write walls of text every single time! I'm going to break that promise, I bet.

I really enjoyed getting to know my teammates and hope we crush the other teams :))

omg never thought i'd be coming back?? i'm rly excited to see all these important people and cause even more chaos and i'm pumped to get someone rocked out again!!!

chrispy: literally so amazing so funny and i am so ready to get to play a game with him where he doesn't go home right away hopefully asya: only ever heard of her and i'm rly pumped to maybe get to know her!!! timmy: FUCK YEAH I LOVE TIMMY WE VIBE ALL THE TIME shane: we wanted to work together SO BAD and all we did was get rocks to happen so now we're f2 so we can win giraffez: literally never heard of them so uhhh kinda liking them??? this intro is so good???? ZOE: I WOULD DIE FOR ZOE WE'RE LITERALLY COHOSTS NOW so i want to work with her pleaseeeeeee adam john: as long as he doesn't get drunk i think we'll be fine LMAO idk how far they'll make it sam l: THE CHILD im honestly ready for this it's hilarious and maybe this time we won't take him out right away stephen: i'm p sure? he got robbed in one of the games i was in? so i hope he doesn't get robbed this time LMAO jessie: QUEEN SHIT WE LOVE ONE ANOTHER and i love how she's literally invisible and i hope she makes it far lmao. we've been in a f3 together before too matt: also don't know them but probably a vibe seems cool mj: GOTTA BEAT HIM TO WIN ARI'S LOVE BACK he looks so serious jabari: LITERALLY SUCH GOOD VIBES DURING COUNCILS I WANT TO BE HER FRIEND jinx: I WILL NOT LET JINX GET IDOLED THIS TIME LMAOOOO i'm so happy they got to come back for this isaiah: i hope they are a vibe

This 4-teams twist is Rough with a capital UGH. Nowhere to hide, no new people to really get to know. Pair that with a challenge that doesnt promot teamwork and incites drama I am concerned. However so far my team has been pretty chill, talking openly about what we want to keep. Bonus this has led to me and Matt talking a lot and I think he might have formed a duo? Still tentative, who knows if hes saying the same thing to giraffez or Chris, but hopeful. We’re considering talking the half votes, this would mean at any pirate we would have the majority. However now the questions comes up about whether we tell the others.

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Isaiah still isn't really around and I messaged him and nothing so far. We asked in the team chat if he had submitted and radio silence. I know during Sunset Rodeo he had a busy work schedule so I am assuming that is the case right now, but I hope he at least submitted for this challenge and that we are safe from pirate council. If we're not...welp I guess he is at risk.

We're safe wooo!!! But damn people took stuff. I wanted to be safe so I said here take all my shit so we get the damn points, but I guess these bitches are a bit greedy. Am I shocked though...no, because that is part of the challenge, people will take shit. Do I think it will help them...also no, because it's truly not game changing items and there still seems to be a bit left to do for the idol hunt than these items will provide.

#confessionals #MutinyOnTheSeaOfRedemption

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survivor-tierradelfuego · 4 years

Text

Ep. 6: “I hate this slow death” - Pedro

Pedro A

im ready for revenge

Ryan

Everything about that tribal was... not great. I am not a fan of my new tribe, Amy betrayed me and Alan's mullet is starting to annoy me lmao. Might have to go with the hanuha peeps

Najwah

I was looking forward to a tribe swap because I was on the outs of my last tribe but this is literally my worst nightmare. We are outnumbered. So automatically if we went to tribal either James or I would be voted out. Also, the ONE person on my old tribe that I've never spoken to. James. I have zero relationship with him at all. In fact, I don't trust him at all. So this is going to be difficult. Best I can do is get to know the other people. Awesome plus is that two other members are from other parts of the world too so I can talk to people during day hours. Haha. Urgh hopefully we win our next challenge and the ones after that. James isn't really a good team player. He's very technical and I suspect he has the jewelery box. So yeah, let's se how this goes. I only have one goal right now and that is to make it to merge. That's it. Pedro A

i honestly will tell all the alliences kalle has..if we lose the challenge

Alan B

I lost all my friends in the swap!!! Im so scared

James Hayden

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rOoHPa38woQ&feature=youtu.be

James Hayden

Ryan messaged Naj and I saying he and Amy had a falling out, but reconnected with her and is iffy about Alan. Based on old Maola’s round 5 tribal, it appears that Alan is on the outs. Amy messaged Naj saying that she’s happy someone from Africa is also on the tribe. If Naj can pull in Amy and I can pull Ryan then we have a 4-1 over Alan. But I don’t know if that’s the best move. If we vote Alan out, then Palena consists of 2 original Hanuha and 2 original Maola. If we go back to tribal, then we probably deadlock and I’m NOT letting a challenge decide my fate in this game. If we bring in Alan, then we have their vote the three of us can vote out Amy and Ryan, have the numbers on the tribe, and go into the merge three strong. I can offer Alan a spot in F6 w/ Jess or they can be voted out pre-merge because it seems that Ryan, and maybe Amy, are willing to vote them out. In the words of Rory Freeman," I think I found my little crack.” I just need to talk to Naj and see what she thinks about this.

Ryan

I’m bitter as hell. I really wanna make my teammates regret not getting rid of me over John

Zack M

oop- i should have confessed earlier but like i decided to drink and watch the strangers with my roommates because we don't have a challenge tomorrow. love a night off. but i remembered just now so let me try to recap what happened today..... WE SWITCHED TRIBES. thank god i stepped up as the hanuha (i never know if i'm spelling that correctly and i'm too lazy to check) leader. yes, i volunteered but let's be honest i was the leader regardless. maddison from the other tribe and i did a school yard pick for new tribes. i was really hoping that maddison was going to be available because najwah was hardcore online stalking the other tribe and found out she is a big katy perry fan. i happened to have met katy at a party and she took my phone to take a photo of us. i was totally going to lie and say she was one of my artists and i would get maddison a personalized signed record of her upcoming album if she kept me safe. soooooooooooo if maddison sticks around keep an eye out for that move. putting it in my back pocket for now. no one is safe with me. lol. anyways, this couldn't have worked out better for me. i got ben and cody which are each my final 2 but also we're in a final 3 together. what? i know! i needed this good luck. i feel bad because i don't have sarah and james but i couldn't get everyone from my top 5 alliance. i also feel bad because i had a really great conversation with najwah today and i absolutely love her. however, she was ready to work with new people so i hope she finds peace with the new tribe she is on. i also hope she works with james and doesn't fuck him over so we can all be reunited at the merge. praying for you james because i know she is ready to switch it up. i chose pedro and kalle from the other tribes for specific reasons. pedro beat me at the flag challenge. i felt like this would give us common ground to create a relationship. i also chose kalle because she was the one that ben was talking to last night when we struck a deal with the immunity challenge. RELATIONSHIPS. i'm playing a very social game so i want to make sure i'm in everyone's head. side note: can i say how happy i am that john was voted off tonight. i know he wasn't on my tribe but that bio / the way he acted last night when i was trying to strike a deal was so cocky. he would have been my #1 target if we moved into this round with him. like i was debating getting him on my team and purposefully losing to vote him out and get the numbers up for my original tribe. kind of bummed when i didn't see his name on the list. sorry dude ... but not really. easier for me. things at the new hanuha are weird. obviously ben, cody, and i are close. as far as i know none of us have messaged the others individually and none of them have messaged us. again, cody is a wild card. i love him but i just do not trust that kid. hopefully everyone is telling the truth. i want to reach out to pedro but i don't want to come off too strong yet. not making the same mistakes as you john. my goal this entire time (well since i decided this was a legit game and i would stick around) was just to make it to the merge and now i see the finish line. i don't know if i'm going to have the ability to stay after. i'm a huge threat. let's be honest. i don't know the other tribe but if they are playing the quiet game that i think they are then i'm the last person in this game SO FAR who has made big moves and gotten away with it. i think it is obvious to everyone. pedro even mentioned neil tonight which was HELLA strange. like did neil reach out to him? were they close before? WTF IS NEILS REACH?! this is why i will not allow another pisces in this game. if they have the numbers at the merge and they don't vote me out then they are really playing the worst game possible. im READY to really play and i'm sooooooo ready to stop playing a game for the tribe and start playing the game for me. HERE FOR SOLO IMMUNITY CHALLENGES. i've shown that i'm a comp beast ... once i understand the rules. but our tribe has been quiet tonight. i'm not sure what to do to spark conversation with the newbies. one day at a time. i would suggest throwing this challenge to get one of them out but ben is in school for tv / film and feels confident in his editing skills. i would like him to have a moment to shine and i would never take that away from him. i do have to say out of everyone i've met in this game so far that i appreciate ben the most. he is definitely stiff competition and if one person is going to beat me then he absolutely deserves it! everyone else i've met is floating in my opinion. that's all she wrote.

Pedro A

im honestly sooo doneeeeee.....first John......now im on the bottom.....im honestly so done....if the idol hunt doesnt work, ...idk what will happen

Pedro A

the 3 people that are in the tribe with me and kalle are inseparable...there is no cracks what so ever..lets just hope we win every challenge

Pedro A

honestly im just gonna try to be nº4 on this tribe...and hope we just lose once

Pedro A

guess what bitchessss.....my unlucky ass got nothing in the idol search....WE LOVE TO SEE IT..........honestly not suprised..luck hasnt been on my side...i hate this slow death

Pedro A

But if you close your eyes

Does it almost feel like Nothing changed at all? And if you close your eyes Does it almost feel like You've been here before? How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

Pedro A

okay so im creating a graphic ..that explains the routes in the idol search...that me and kalle have done..so we can know where not to go. I also completed it with the info that john once told...rip john....lets hope we find something

Ryan

Ultimately, I am very sad hearing about what Alan is going through. But I am only slightly thankful for them making this decision, as it means I wouldn't have had to blindside Amy next time we go to tribal

Sarah

This new Maola tribe is like night and day difference compared to my old Hanuha tribe. This tribe is so quiet! I’m not used to not having over 100 unread messages in a day... Aimee and I are definitely down in numbers on this tribe and I get the feeling that the three former Maola tribe members are pretty tight so I am hoping we win this immunity! Ideally, if we did go to tribal I would want to work with Aimee and pull someone else in but if that won’t work then I could vote out Aimee since ya know she wrote my name down. But Aimee really is a great human and I would be down to work with her.

James Hayden

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dbm4Ei7thuo&feature=youtu.be

AMY A

Tribe swap! I was unfortunately put in the tribe of people no one chose and that bummed me out for a few hot seconds but I also realized that out of a tribe of five, there's three internationals and one gender non-conforming person so maybe its just that people just cannot relate with us as well as with Americans. That asiude, this tribe seems to be the right mix. I feel like this challenge was MADE for us cos we can totally milk the culture thing. If Najwah is able to put the videos together well, there is no way we wouldn't win outright. In the event of us losing, Alan has already suggested wanting to get out for mental health reasons so that would be an easy vote. All in all, I feel safe (knock on wood) for this round.

Ryan

I feel like I'm really settling into my groove in this new tribe. We really get on and we really all try our best (my last tribe did too but this one's just kinda special idk)

Zack M

i can't remember if i've confessed or not. i wish there was a way that i could read what i previously wrote. well i'm on a team with cody and ben with pedro and kalle from the other tribe. pedro is a little hard to read but i like him. kalle says he is hardcore searching for the idol though. she also shared that she believe grae and alan have the idol from the other tribe. so if they haven't used it by merge, they will be my #1 targets. i don't really have much to say. we made a video for the music video challenge. i sent a few notes to ben. hopefully he listens and corrects them because i don't know how tough the judges are going to be but there were definitely moments that could be cleaned up / better footage that could have been used. look it's hard for me to put my game in someone else's hands and that's what i feel like i'm doing right now. i wish i would have volunteered to edit but this is what he wanted to do so i'm going to respect that. i did get a reward because i was chosen as team leader. i was able to talk to past players who drafted me. i was honestly so stoked to chat with them and tell them what's been going on in my game. however, it seemed to be an inside joke reunion for them and i didn't really get anything out of it to be honest. it's like cool, you've sat on Skype for a crazy amount of time as well. love that for you. NOW HELP ME. but whatever. if i lose, they lose also. i guess i'll probably update again when i find out if we won the music video challenge or not. party.

Pedro A

Omg I hope we win this challenge.....I'm so scared...chilllleee..if we lose ..I already lost my one life lol

Ryan

We are not mad at Alan sending themself home. It'll be sad to see them gone, but it means I can get rid of them without having to worry about souring my relationships with old Maora

Olivia A

I feel really good about this new tribe and am really glad that we were able to keep 3/4 of my original alliance (Maddison, Grae, and me). Since we didn’t lose this challenge I think the 3 (and hopefully 4 if Kalle doesn’t get voted out) of us can stay strong to the merge and through the rest of the game. :)

Maddison

Tribe swap played out as well as I could have hoped. I hope my original alliance members stay strong and we can make the merge as a strong three.

Aimee

Oh! I am having so much fun with my new Maola tribe! I think we vibe really well together. 😘🌈💜

Zack M

WE WON. omg thank god. the other videos were cute. reality: all three videos were tragic in my opinion but i'm a perfectionist. it's a win i'll gladly take. the scores were all positive except from ellie. ellie is really not a fan of the music video challenge and it shows from the bio / scores. we were better than 6 7 8 and 9s. shout out to the person that gave us straight 10s. WHAT WE DESERVED. tribal has also happened. super sad to see that alan asked to leave the game. i do find it wild because kalle shared that she believed alan had the immunity idol. this gives james and najwah a chance to continue on though and i'm so happy for them! low key hope they lose again because i feel like it would be easier for them to convince one person to vote with them. idk. also, i just think james has the idol so i don't mind him taking a hit if he can come back from it. we are currently waiting on a new challenge. not excited. was ready for a night off! but LETS GO.

James Hayden

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HsBK4PSENrQ

Najwah

Soooo last time I did this I don't think I was aware, that the tribe swap was a school yard pick. Dunno can't remember. Tbh I am re-annoyed that when Jay asked who volunteers, I was busy typing, but Zack once again took it. Do I feel bad about not being chosen by Zack when he was decompressing with me for a whole half an hour before it all happened? He was venting and anxious. He probably had his reasons. Well done for choosing a videograoher on his team too. Does it feel weird being part of the leftovers? Sure. As a POC it's difficult not to see that the non white people, person who stutters and young guy were not chosen by the leaders. I'm not sure why Alan wasn't chosen, probably because they were the hosts sibling? But yes, the innate racism, ableism and ageism was definitely apparent. Personally, I think a randomizer should be used. And people would call this exaggeration or trying to play the victim/being salty but if you're a POC and have experienced this kind of thing for 30+ years, you just see things for what they are. Anyway, on the plus side being on a group of misfits means that no one has alliances. Everyone is just genuinely nice. Wow. What a breeze. I started bonding with James more. I like this tribe. I feel less stressed on this tribe. Perhaps it's that we are all on different timezones so we all talk at different times, which I like. Perhaps it's because there are way less people lol. Do I feel discouraged though? Yes. I don't think we will win immunity. We are all too out of sync.

Najwah

The music video challenge was fun. Not the best song choice tbh. I wanted to do Journeys don't stop believing because we were a bunch of misfits and I've been binge rewatching Glee again after Naya's death. Being a POC bi woman, that death affected me a lot last week. And Mr Shue is right. Journey is great. Anyway. I loved all the snippets and how much effort everyone put into the videos. It took me a long time. Like 8 hours to edit all of THAT, coz I did it in Vegas Pro instead of TikTok or a phone app like we should have done ugh why am I stupid. so I was sad when we didn't even place, but also Alan gifted me an immunity idol before they left and I was so overwhelmed I literally CRIED. I miss Cody. I miss Leanne. People I could actually talk to about these things lollll. I guess we just have to try our best to win tonight. Our team is so out of sync though I don't see that happening. But we will try our best I guess. Last time we won an immunity challenge I prayed to God that we win. I think i will do that again. I think God likes survivor.

Najwah

I need to make a disclaimer. I'm not unhappy about anything. I'm not salty about anything. I'm not upset or being complain-y. I'm just making observations. I am still really happy about this game, being able to play in it and being able to get to know people I wouldn't have crossed paths with in my wildest dreams.

#episodes

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