I realized how alone I am when I was sat in the library on a Sunday night, watching the Grammys on my laptop, freaking out over the fact that Taylor broke so many records and announced a new album, all the while trying to not scream, cry, throw up (because, library) and didn’t have one person that would share my excitement or just be by my side while I freaked out. Not one. No one I could call after. No one that would check up on me asking how I was doing or was I okay. And it made me so so sad. The level of sad that doesn’t make you cry, but just smile in disbelief and tiredness. I’m still smiling while writing this, partly because I know this is not the biggest problem in my life rn, and party because smiling through these things helps me hold back tears that are fighting to fall out of my eyes. sigh
Trying to do all the things while trying to rest, while trying to show up for others, while trying to be/find/keep enough for myself, while trying to have grace, while trying to stand on business, while trying to create, while trying to make money, while trying to have fun, while trying to get my shit together, while trying not to isolate, while trying not to be a burden, while trying to stay afloat, while trying not to panic.