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zozophoenixxx · 3 years

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Serotonin Booster :D🐉

How to train your dragon edition

Here are some things I had forgotten or little details I just noticed on my rewatch, maybe even Unpopular Opinions 🤭👀

✨Defenders of Berk✨

Not Astrid being pissed bc Fishlegs called her mean lmaooo

OMGGG "I would never call my father ridiculous. I'm calling my chief ridiculous" THE POWER OF THIS SCENE

The way Toothless just sat to look at the sunset.. Me too bby me too 🥺

Toothless and Thornado's shots combined was amazing!

"The first rule about the dragon flight club is that there is no dragon flight club"

Istg Meatlug and Fishlegs are made for each other

Baby whispering deaths!

OMG THEY JUST CAME UP WITH GRONCKLE IRON

I love seeing the origin of things ☺️

Wowww I just realized that Gobber has a unibrow

Sandstone makes glass

That shiny black rock makes another shiny black Rock, it also has Meatlug boiling

WOW a combination of multiple rock makes Meatlug a magnet

The way Hookfang pays more attention to Fishlegs than Snotlout is funny

Fishlegs on Toothless!!!!

"TOO MUCH FURY, TOO MUCH FURY!" JAHDHDHAH

Awwww love how Fishlegs feels happy abt being needed

DAGUR'S BACK AHH

I never understood why Dagur called Hiccup his brother but it's kinda funny

Young hiccup actually fighting is pretty badass and that shield 🥴

The way they were all trying to get Gobber to shower lmaooo

Gobber saved Gustav's life and Fishleg saved Astrid's

Am I the only one that finds the whispering deaths kinda funny, like yes they're scary but these mfs have tiny wings, a big ass head, are covered in spines and can't see like-

Newly hatched whispering deaths can be more deadly that adults bc they can't control their jaws or spines

WOW WOW WOWWWW A WHITE WHISPERING DEATH - Titanwing whispering death with red eyes OMG NO NO THIS IS THE SCREAMING DEATH I KNEW IT ‼️‼️

Wow but the pain in Snotlout's eyes 🥺

Monstrous nightmares are stoker-class dragons

Fireworms get brighter the closer they get to each other

Ohhhhh now I get the history behind Hookfang and the fireworms queen's connection

"You're not just another sword, Hookfang"

Awww the fireworm queen saved Hookfang, I ship them now JSHDHSHS

BABY ASTRID!! 🥺🥺🥺 AWWW

Flightmare - follows the glowing algae caused by Aurvandil's fire, sprays a paralyzing mist to those who it considers a threat to its survival

Aurvandil's fire = Aurora Borealis

YES ASTRID BEAT SNOTLOUT UP

Hiccup: Well, you know, Astrid, uh, training dragons isn't the only thing I think about.

Astrid: Are you actually saying that to me with a straight face?

JAHSHAHAJAJ I SWEAR I LOVE THESE TWO the way both of them said these lines I can't ✋🏼😂

The way she said the exact same thing as her uncle and even took on the name I-

I have this headcanon that bc I'm pretty sure Astrid's parents were barely mentioned in the shows or movies that her uncle was the person that was there for her the most which is another reason why it upset her to see people making fun of him

Why does whenever Astrid gets shot by a dragon she always tries to hit it off like her axe is a baseball bat? 😂

Hiccup saving Astrid in the flightmare ep🥺🥺🥺🥺

GLOWY TOOTHLESS AND GLOWY STORMFLY AND GLOWY MEATLUG ARE ADORABLE

Awww I love how Hiccup makes sure to mention the fact that "Fearless Fin Hofferson was indeed fearless, just like all the Hoffersons" 🥺🥺🥺 STOP AND THEN SHE SMILES AND HE PROCEEDS TO PUT HIS HAND ON HER SHOULDER I-🥴🥴🥴

I love how they're always interrupted whenever they're about to say a bad word

Lil terrible terrors are adorable 🥺

The fact that what they were trained for was actually useful it's crazy

Astrid: "no one is kissing me on the lips ever!!" HHSHAHAH ASTRID WHY U LYING

I feel like we don't appreciate how smart Hiccup actually is, and I don't mean that dragon-wise or building stuff-wise I mean in general. I'm in ep9 and they're finding old dragon traps to get rid of them and there was a lil breeze and he was like "there's a dry hot wind coming in from the north. It hasn't rained in 2 months. This is definitely fire weather." like how- am I the only one that would've been like okok a nice warm breeze 😩

Dude the typhoomerangs are so scary and huge wtf

I KNEW HE WAS TORCH

Torch actually built a lil relationship with Tuff just for that but of time I love it

WE'RE FINALLY GONNA SEE THE SKRILL!! I love it it's one of my favorite dragons :D

I never understood why fishlegs says his name when he's excited

Skrills - The skrill was first found frozen, it's the symbol of the Berserkers, it can stay safely frozen for decades because of their internal body temperature, can't redirect any lightning if it's in the water 😳

Y'all the skrill and the nightfury have gotta be related somehow, they're probably like cousins or sum. I mean the night fury is the "unholy offspring of lighting and death" and the skrill can control lightning AND TECHNICALLY TOOTHLESS CAN TOO REMEMBER HTTYD 3 + they also have similar physical characteristics at least Imo.

Dude this dragon is so badass 😌🤩🥰😩🥴❣️🤍🤝 I'm literally so obsessed

Wow one of the first times I see the twins actually doing sum useful

The way the shots combine🥴

Dagur has misophonia - condition where people experience intense negative emotions for sounds such as eating, chewing, loud breathing or even repeated pen-clicking [ep11]

Oh wow so they originally trapped the skrill in this show i didn't know

Wait but baby Gustav is actually adorable wtf and the fact that he and Snotlout have matching Viking hats

OMG SEE NOW I'M SEEING GUSTAV'S ORIGIN WITH HIS DRAGON AND HIS DESIRE TO BECOME A RIDER

Fanghook🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

Ruff puts fish oil on her hair to get "a greasy unwashed look"

Really hate when Snotlout doesn't accept no for an answer

THE HAND THING AHHHH I LOVE IT this time is Ruff and a scauldron

Ok guys so I did this with mi friend's puppy who I accidentally scared enough to make him piss himself and I'm pretty sure I traumatized him and now when I'm around the poor dog tries to get as far away from me as possible but one day we were kinda bonding although he still wouldn't let me pet it AND I DID THE HAND THING BECAUSE WHY NOT AND THIS LIL MF ACTUALLY PUTS HIS FACE IN MY HAND- I screamed and he left again🥺😂 BUT IT DID WORK

Scauldy🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥰😌☺️🤩🤍

Ok but ruffnut with short hair 🤩

Speedstingers

Also the way Astrid ran up to Hiccup in the ep14

Wait but the scene whenever they're fighting the Speedstingers and Fishlegs says they're too fast but Hiccup's like "not for a nightfury" and then they show Toothless dodging the Speedstinger's attack AND THEN THEY SHOW HICCUP PROTECTING HIMSELF WITH HIS SHIELD WHICH GETS THROWN AWAY BUT RIGHT THERE TOOTHLESS CATCHES IT AND THROWS IT BACK TO HICCUP who's like "Thanks bud" 🤩🤩🤩 literally so badass go watch it!! It's ep14 frozen min 17:40

I really liked the relationship Snotlout and Astrid created with each other's dragon 🥺

HOOKFANG'S WINGBLAST AND STORMFLY'S SINGLE-SPINESHOT ARE HELLA BADASS... I love how they worked together this time 🥺

DUDE JAHDHSJAJJJSA ppl really underestimate Ruff's cleverness, this bish really gets Tuff to do the dumbest things just to enjoy looking at him hurting himself JAHDHSJAH😂

TOOTHLESS REALLY JUST BIT AN EEL'S HEAD OFF TO SAVE HICCUP🥺

Baby toothless is high🥺

"Uh, okay. That one was a little close to the one good leg" JAHDHAHSHA ISTG I LOVE THIS DUDE

Johan hates Snotlout for breaking his stuff

Tuff got Macey the Mace from Trader Johan

Astrid looks hot without her shoulder pads

Ok but Dagur looks so weird without his viking hat in this show

The baby thunderdrums are adorable - BING BAM AND BOOM

NOOO STOICK JUST LEFT THORNADO 🥺

OHHH SO ALVIN WAS ACTUALLY FROM BERK and he was Stoick's best friend

Snotlout and Hiccup are parallels of Alvin and Stoick

Ok but that trick Snotlout did was amazing, he really had Hookfang do a lil typhoomerangs move and then the wingblast🤩

I FINISHED IT OMG NOW ONTO RTTE!!

#hiccup x astrid #how to train your dragon #httyd #hiccup #astrid #hiccup haddock #astrid hofferson #Snotlout #fishlegs #ruff and tuff #stoick the vast #toothless #toothcup #hiccstrid #race to the edge #defenders of berk #riders of berk

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kinnoth · 3 years

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What's your take on Thor Ragnarok? What's your take on Thor's development within the MCU so far?I'm a fan of your posts and tags!

GREAT QUESTIONS THANK YOU FOR ASKING, THANKS FOR BEING A FAN

tldr I """"like"""" Thor's canon development now bc I've done some fucking Olympic grade backfilling and contortion to recontextualize the canon to make it meaningful, but this results in me living in my own pocket universe of an interpretation where I can't really interact with other people bc they don't subscribe to my exact reading of canon

But bro I LOVE Ragnarok. I know that can be a controversial take (I've read the meta of people who think it "slaughtered" Thor and Loki's characterisations), but I just thought it was so much fun! Like on a movie watching experience level and on a lore/meta level, it's FUN. That's not something I can say for 95% of marvel movies, which are nigh universally too dimly lit and too reliant on hateful sarcasm between characters as a substitute for a relationship.

On a meta level, I 1000% subscribe to the idea that the entire movie is a retelling that Thor is preforming for his refugees, so it's a heavily edited, exaggerated, and sillier version of events meant to keep everyone's spirits up. On the point of lore continuity, I really appreciate that thor3 makes CANON and EXPLICIT Odin's campaign of imperialist violence behind his "peaceful" reign over the nine realms, I FUCKIN LOVE IT. I LOVE the context Hela gives to their family, because she makes canon and explicit Odin's disappointments in Thor. I LOVE that Mjolnir was Hela's weapon before it was Thor's because Mjolnir was never meant to be a metric for moral goodness or readiness for rule, but a metric for a colonialist's commitment to imperialist violence on behalf of an empire WHICH IS WHY IT FINDS CAPTAIN AMERICA WORTHY BUT NOT LOKI

(btw if anyone else can draw a line between Hela and Steve Rogers that is a. representative of Odin's priorities and b. includes Thor but excludes Loki, hmu, bc this is the best I got.)

(Mjolnir rejects Thor in thor1 bc Thor was trying to conquer Jotunheim for personal glory and doesn't accept him again until he starts thinking about the good of the empire again by protecting Midgard, an imperial asset. Mjolnir rejects Loki bc Loki is a not an imperialist in service of an empire)

Off topic but I know a lot of people get hung up on Thor leaving Loki paralyzed in the parking garage, potentially to be found by the grandmasters dudes? Like people say that was unaccountably cruel and ooc for Thor. But like, ok, they killed everyone on the way up, and Thor knows his armed gladiator rebellion is on his heels also headed for the parking garage, so I dunno, I never read it as Loki was in any particular danger? But I'm a notorious Thor apologist as well as a Loki apologist so 🤷‍♂️

Things I also love: loki defunding the military to spend that money on art and infrastructure, Loki's live action thorki fanfic that Asgard unaccountably loved, Loki stonewalling Odin's attempt to reconcile bc fuck Odin, Thor's lightning powers, Bruce banner is now a Jewish grandma, Hela have I mentioned Hela love that girlboss, Jeff goldblum love that wiggly man, the Valkyrie love that angry girl, "piss off ghost", inglorious deaths for all the warriors 3, "I'm here" (screaming, crying, shaking), the story about how Loki bit Thor as a snake as well as the confirmation that they are in fact the same age

I have complicated feelings about Thor's canon development tbh. On a very ground floor sort of reaction, I despise what they did to My Boy in infinity war and endgame. I think it's a disgusting character assassination and I don't think the russos understand humour and specifically how to use humour to expand on tragedy like what thor3 did.

On the other hand, if you've read my fic and meta, you'll know that I've accepted the canon development, bc at this point, I've done a LOT of very deliberate and concerted labour to MAKE the canon development we see between thor1 and endgame WORK. But, like, there was a LOT of labour that I, specifically, put into it. It fully relies on me specifically doing a lot of digging and reaching and mining these movies for every possible frame of content to the point where I am pretty sure I've put more effort into making all the development make continuous sense than any of the screenwriters put into the actual development.

And I think I've probably just drank too much of my own Kool aid but like, I am in a position now where I do think my interpretation of Thor's character development is THE most complete and accurate reading of his character development. Key to these points are: a) I think he is an ex-imperialist who is currently and actively trying to deprogram himself from the colonialists' mindset that Odin instilled within him b) he is trying to deprogram himself from Asgard's culture of extreme toxic masculinity wherein he was not taught to have any sort of emotional processing that did not involve physical violence c) Loki is/was/always will be the person he loves best

So like, as I try to show in my thorki canonverse fics (shameless plug for myself), I can make most of the bad decisions made about Thor's character in infinity war and endgame work if I recontextualize all of his canon actions with my own (well supported, well documented) headcanon'd baggage. Of course he goes on a death wish mission to get revenge on Thanos -- he has a literal deathwish bc he was already supposed to die with Loki. Of course he sinks into an unshakeable depression afterwards -- he has no identity now that he has no family bc he was never taught to live by himself or for himself. Of course he leaves new Asgard and abdicates his rule -- he hasn't wanted a hand in the dirty business of Empire ever since Odin's ambition got his mom and brother killed in thor2, and that hasn't changed. I try to make him go through all the canon-implied feelings and anxieties and doubts in front of the reader. My entire goal of this is that people read my shit, then look at canon and think "oohh that context DOES make it better!" I will be gratified if that is the case.

(The only thing I cannot fix is the bit in endgame where Thor walks past Loki's Tupperware cell and the narrative doesn't come to a screeching fucking halt as Thor has so many feelings that he has some sort of paralytic breakdown where he simultaneously wants to commit Time Crime (tm) so he can just stay here forever and also wishes he could just die here, next to loki, like he was always supposed to. Like, that needed to happen to really lynchpin all of my work together into one smooth, problem free reading, but I'm not allowed to have nice things so)

(oh also I didn't like Thor calling frigga "mom". Shouldn't it at least be "mum"? I think "mother" is best tbh, bc I don't really read them as having that sort of relationship, see "toxic masculinity", see also "homosocial socialisation")

(and ok I get that it was a nice moment for Thor to call the hammer back to his hand, and I get that it even still works with my headcanon that mjolnir finds Thor worthy still bc Thor is defending the imperial asset that is Midgard, but like God damnit. The uncritical and unquestioning use of that word "worthy" when he catches the hammer again. Like worthy of what you guys? Do you ever ask yourself that question bc I very much do. I kinda wish they didnt bring it up at all, or if they did, it didn't come back to Thor's hand and he is just like, wistfully, "that's all right, I suspected as much. I'm such a different man now, mjolnir doesn't recognize me. I don't think I'd be alive right now if I had been the same man I was")

Wow that got long, anyway, thanks for chatting with me! Again, always a pleasure to field asks!

#internal thor tag

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twink-appreciation-posts · 4 years

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Innocence - Spencer Reid x Reader

Request:

Agegap!femreader w post prison Reid One of the agents suggest the team go clubbing & Spencer was all like nahhhh man I’ma go home but reader isn’t all like “please Spencer, I want you to come so badly” w an innocent look on her face & he’s like fuck fine I’ll go idk if that makes sense lmaoooo

so uhhh you mentioned age gap and so i made that kinda intrical bc i LOVE a good age gap. anyway porn below!!

“Are you really not coming?”

You heard Garcia’s voice walking down the hall towards you.

“Yeah, I’m sorry. I’m just gonna head home for the night.”

You peeked around the corner and Garcia noticed, calling your name and frantically motioning for you to come over to her.

“Y/N, you’ll come to the club with us right?” She asked excitedly.

“Uh, yeah!” You smiled. You figured you deserved a nice night out. “Who all is coming?”

“Everyone.” Garcia turned to Spencer, glaring jokingly. “Except for our resident genius over here. He’s turned me down twice now.”

You raised a brow, turning to face Spencer, who was putting his hands up and shaking his head. “Clubs just aren’t my scene,” he explained. You pouted. You wanted Spencer to come. Not for any particular reason. Of course.

You considered for a moment and Garcia nudged you, asking for you to help her convince him.

“Spencer, you really should come,” you met his gaze, the height difference forcing you to look up quite a bit, and frowned. “I really want you to come.” You spoke softly, feigning innocence, utilizing your young age to your advantage. You looked so pure. How could he say no?

“I-I really don’t know…” you could tell your plan was working, he was already giving in.

“Please please please.” You continued over-dramatically. “Who’s gonna make sure I don’t drink too much and get home safe?”

He rolled his eyes, sighing. “I’m sure Morgan would be more than happy to do that, but if you really want me to go then fine.”

You and Garcia squealed with excitement, high fiving each other for your success. “Hell yeah!” I’ll see you tonight, then!” You grinned.

Spencer just shook his head in defeat. “See you tonight.”

When you arrived at the club you saw your co-workers huddled around a table. And fuck, you couldn’t help but notice how good Spencer looked. You were glad you convinced him to come. “Hey!” You said loudly ad you approached your friends.

“There she is! I’m surprised they let you in, you must have a pretty convincing fake ID.” Morgan teased. You were of age, of course, but you were pretty young and you definitely looked it, and he never missed an opportunity to make a joke out of it.

“All I had to do was show them the identification.” You joked back. “Told them it was for a super secret FBI mission.”

You gave everyone a hug, leaving Spencer for last. “You look good,” you said sweetly as you wrapped your arms around him. He chuckled and you could feel it reverberate through his chest. “You too.”

As the night went on the group separated a bit, each person going off to flirt or dance with a stranger, except for you and Spencer. You had kept close to him and you weren’t even sure if it was intentional or not. You were seated at the bar together, exchanging casual conversation.

“This is our first time out of a group since you left,” You told him over the music at some point.

“Yeah? I didn’t realize you were keeping track,” he replied, leaning down a bit to hear you better.

“I missed you, you know,” you admitted, face turning a bit red. Had you drank enough to be telling him these things? No. It was normal. Everyone had missed him. He wouldn’t find that strange. “Thought about you a lot.”

He didn’t speak for a moment and you were scared you might’ve said something wrong. When you looked up at him you saw his jaw was tense. Was he upset? “I thought about you a lot, too.” He said eventually. “Sometimes I think I thought about you too much,”

You almost choked on your drink. “Oh, really?” You questioned. “What, um, what type of things did you think about?” Why were you doing this? What were you implying?

He coughed a bit, readjusting himself. “Things I definitely shouldn’t have thought about. Especially not about you.”

“Why is that?” You asked, using the same innocent voice you had used to convince him earlier.

“You’re my colleague. It’s unprofessional. And you’re… young. It’s fucked up.”

You nibbled your bottom lip, suppressing the surge of heat that was forming in your belly. “Does that mean that I shouldn’t have those types of thoughts about you, either? Am I doing something wrong?” You poked at his chest, the collar of his shirt, the buckle of his belt, fingers wandering absentmindedly.

“I suppose it’s not wrong as long as we don’t act on them.” He was watching your every move, trying to maintain composure. But he wouldn’t last for long, you knew, because you had already proved your abilities to work your magic on him.

“So, it’s not wrong that I would think about you late at night while you were away?” You prodded, pushing him further over the edge. His hand was in a fist and he was tense. You held down a smirk. He was flustered, you could tell. “I guess it’s just.. I can’t help it. When I see you, when I think of you, my body just… reacts on its own.”

Before you could recognize what was happening you were being pulled off of your seat by your wrist. “W-Woah, what are you doing?” You were shocked by the switch in his mood. He looked hungry. Starved even.

“If you’re going to tell me all the dirty thoughts you’ve had about me, I might as well tell you what I thought about, huh?” He was weaving through the crowd at the club, pulling you towards the bathrooms. “Sometimes I would think about fucking you for hours on end. I’d think about how tiny you are. I’d think about how I could ruin you, strip you of that innocent little act you always put on and watch you become the greedy little slut I know you are.” He was practically growling, and when you arrived at the door to the bathroom he took a moment, taking you in, eyes filled with desire. After he was done, though, he pulled you inside, locking the door behind him.

“You like it, don’t you? You like the power you have over me. Bigger, older, stronger, more mature. It makes you want me more.” You scoffed. “You’re right. That is pretty fucked up. Preying on me just because you know you can.”

He narrowed his eyes at you, searching for something in your face. He knew you were just saying things to heighten the situation. He knew he was letting you win, but you were right. He knew it was wrong, he knew that you calling him out on it should’ve made him uncomfortable, but it didn’t.

“I guess you’re lucky, though. Because I like it too.” You crashed your lips onto his and he responded by cupping your face in his hand roughly, his fingers squeezing your jaw tightly enough that you couldn’t move if you tried.

You used your hands to unzip the dress you had thrown on for the club, and he let you go to allow it to fall down your body and pool at your feet.

“I knew you were a slut.” He groaned, undressing himself from the waist down as well. He pushed you up against the wall, hands roaming over your bra and down to the waistband of your panties. “I bet you’re so fucking wet.”

“Find out for yourself.” You challenged, panting, and he did, dipping a finger underneath the fabric. You arched your back, moaning, as he ran a finger over your clit. You were grinding your hips into his hand, desperate for more.

“I thought you said we shouldn’t act on our dirty thoughts?” You panted out.

“You were practically throwing yourself at me. If you’re going to act like a whore then I have no choice but to fuck you like one.” And with that he was pushing your panties to the side, lining himself up at your entrance, and thrusting his hips against yours. You were absolutely paralyzed, the pain and pleasure of him stretching you out overwhelming you. “You’re so fucking tight,” he breathed out.

You moaned in response, one of your hands reaching behind him, nails raking down his back over the fabric of his shirt. “Fuck, is this what you thought about while I was gone?” He whispered in your ear. “You think about me fucking you? Did you think about me throwing you around and calling you mean names?”

You didn’t reply, opting to moan instead, and he slowed. “Answer me.” He placed a hand on your chin, forcing you to meet his eyes. “Is this what you wanted?”

You whimpered, nodding, your hips moving to meet his in an attempt to urge him to keep going. “Y-Yes.”

“Good.” He smirked contently, thrusts picking up speed again. You were close, your moans loud enough that you figured someone walking by the bathroom might hear, and he was relentless in his pace.

“I’m g-gonna..” you whined, and his hand shot up to your throat, wrapping around it and cutting off your oxygen. You sputtered, a hand moving up to pull his away but to no avail.

“Cum for me, slut.” He commanded, and your body responded quickly, moans catching in your throat as your orgasm washed over you. Only a few thrusts later Spencer was pulling out, his grip around your throat easing up, as you watched him finish himself, the warm substance coating your stomach and chest, dripping down. He let go of your neck completely, focusing on your body like he had just created a masterpiece.

“Let me clean you up,” he said after a moment, grabbing some paper towels and wetting them in the sink. You rubbed your face in your hands, in shock about what had just happened.

“Aren’t you glad I convinced you to come tonight, Spencie?” You asked sweetly as he wiped you down.

He chuckled. “Definitely. Your methods of persuasion never fail to impress.”

#spencer reid #spencer reid smut #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x you #spencer reid x y/n #criminal minds #criminal minds smut

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inkofamethyst · 2 years

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January 20, 2022

Update: math actually sucks and I’m glad to be done with it. I can say “oh I love problem solving and applying things I’ve learned to new situations” till I’m blue in the face but my true feelings are hiding just beneath the surface and make themselves known as soon as I encounter a problem that is ever so mildly more difficult than anything I’ve done before. [my sister needed help with test corrections and they were hard (I mean I eventually figured it out but only after giving up lol)]

Okay but,,, Lin Manuel Miranda, am I right?

Listen. That guy has such a talent for writing musical lines that go on top of one another and build with each other and are separate but flow into and out of one another’s orbits and it’s just kind of incredible. You can switch between listening to each line individually like changing television stations or you can have them all going at once like you’re listening to four different youtube videos simultaneously but they all line up at certain parts. Like, I remember doing that one song before the Big Fight in West Side Story and thinking that was cool. Two summers later I heard Non-Stop for the first time and haven’t been the same since. We Don’t Talk About Bruno? Incredible. I’m sure In the Heights had an example of this too but I can’t recall specifics.

What’s interesting is that concert band/orchestral(/chamber choir too, apparently) music does this type of thing all the time, but the tricky part is the addition of words. In band, different instruments have different voices, sure, but adding words can make things muddy (I have personal experience with this through singing warmup rounds at choir practices last sem ugh). Miranda’s music is clean.

Anyway I’m gearing up for next semester (yknow, setting up Notion, clearing out Notability, etc), and I have a look at my schedule and come to find out that I’m taking the less favored prof for both biochem 2 and physics 2 which is lovely (I can tell based on who has the most seats left open lol). Frankly, I chose to stick with the same phys prof because even though he can’t teach I a) don’t want any classes before 11a this sem, b) want as many of my classes as possible to be back to back instead of having a gaping 2-hour hole between them, and c) got an A in his class last sem despite being frustrated and fed up the whole time so it probably will be annoying but at least it’ll be annoying in a way that I expect. The only reason I’m taking that biochem 2 prof is because the other one conflicts with my anth class.

Speaking of anth,,,,, I’ve been stressing over the past few weeks bc I couldn’t figure out exactly when the right time would be to send the anth prof an email checkup of like “heyyy I know I’m supposed to TA for you,, are we still cool for that?” because I didn’t wanna be too forward but then it got to the point where I’d waited too long to follow up in my opinion and I was also stressing bc I’ve got the whole imposter syndrome thing climbing up my throat again like bile (you know how it is) and it’s been absolutely paralyzing and the first day of his class is this Tuesday and then today he just goes and sends a casual little email today and is all like “excited to have u as a uta :) also meet ur co-uta she’s been working with me for a bit :)” and honestly that made me feel a little bit calmer. That’s what I’m thankful for today. That my fears were unfounded (and that, so far, everything seems to be turning out alright), as they so often are.

Last thing: It’s a crazy thing to be involved on campus. Over the past few days I’ve received emails from almost all of my major orgs about kickoff meetings and jazz and it’s kinda wild. That said, seeing the email from the orchestra reminded me that there was one primary goal which I did not complete at all: practicing the concert music. Not once. I completed the waistcoat and walking skirt (which I took out for their first spin today actually and it was fabulous (if I get some American Duchesses the skirt length will be perfect)), started on another top instead of the mauve one bc I need to figure out sleeve length stuff (might be able to finish it before I go back), finished my mom’s dress, started Ni No Kuni and Shadow of the Colossus pieces, and started working on my summer plans. So while I didn’t complete everything, I did do quite a bit, and I’m proud of what I was able to accomplish.

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janelleislove · 2 years

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why is my self esteem so wrapped in at all times around what i look like or if anyone finds me attractive?

it’s the think that’s sit in the front of my mind at all times

i feel like when i get anxious the fear makes me feel like out of body like i feel like i’m going crazy and it feels like i’m acting?

like my panic attack in new year’s eve felt like i was joking but i also wasn’t bc it was the worst i’ve ever felt in so long and i kept thinking about the time i went to a party and there were gunshots where someone died apparently and when in a protest and the __ were threatening us…the unexpected firework bomb went off 10 ft in front of me and i turned my head to see it explode right as it went off the noise was so loud is it shook the house walls and set off care alarms

it felt like i didn’t have control of my body bc i wanted to calm down and was like this is stupid why am i crying and screaming and shaking when i could just choose to be calm?

anyway so still processing that night it sucked that was how i wrung in the new year :( my last one at home for a long while

i’m feeling kinda regretful that i’m taking a job away from home and a big commitment too but i’ve also said that about college and other stuff but with the world with a ticking countdown and my grandparents are getting older, it feels just like i have this fear of the other shoe dropping and i could have stayed but instead i left and i missed so much in my families’ life but also when i’m home all i do is work and i see them like 20 minutes a day and other family members outside the family i live with i see even less. i go months without speaking with my sister even though we didn’t fight or anything and i don’t speak to my dad bc i always have to mentally prepare myself to speak with him but most times in the end, it was a pleasant talk my sister said she realized he has difficulty articulating his thoughts but he tries really hard to communicate with me so that we can understand each other he is very patient with me but there’s a lot of baggage there bc when i was a kid i felt like i wasn’t given patience and now i find it difficult to give that patience back but after talking with my sister i realized i wanna be more patient with him but it’s still hard to do

the excitement i felt before about getting a new job and moving back to seattle has dwindled but i wanna force myself to be excited bc it’s a great opportunity but it doesn’t feel like mine or that it’s right but how will i know if i haven’t even started yet?

it’s just anxiety lol literally i’m afraid of the future lol and the fact that any choice i make impacts my future and others paralyzes me it feels like the passage of time is slow but FAST and then suddenly it’s 4 years later and so much has changed except for my insecurities

i feel like i know what i’m doing and but also i don’t know what i’m doing just kinda winging it :// idk if i have a true passion bc i’m just tired, can’t think of anything except for what my immediate big plans are. can’t think about the small things or putting too much pressure on myself that i keep procrastinating but i’m actually on time and there’s a lot of time OR knowing i’m procrastinating not WANTING to procrastinate but doing it anyway? i feel like everything has to be urgent and if i don’t do it right away it’s like i’m choosing to be “lazy” but i still feel like not mentally prepared to use my brain like how i had to for school and healthcare feeling like a drag again a month ago i was excited bc i felt like i was ready and not i’m not sure if that’s i said to convince myself if i was ACTUALLY excited or just faking it? like everyone seems more genuinely excited than i am and that scared me bc what did i sign myself up for

like i don’t really know what i want my future to look like i never think what my life would be like bc there’s so many possibilities but they feel so far away

the suffering of an emerging adult love my early twenties ✌🏼✨💕

i feel like when i think, one topic leads to another and another and it has to come out of my head and into words otherwise i’m gonna forget but in the end i end up losing my originally thought and it’s like an endless run-on sentence

and the topics are connected by association with each other but it’s not overall cohesive?

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retvenkos · 3 years

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ahhhh congrats on 2.5k! i am in fact using this as an excuse to put sommat in ur ask box (bc i certainly haven’t always wanted to but been too scared nO) 🔥- mayhaps.... a ship for Harry Potter, a series of unfortunate events and the marauders era (also Harry Potter lol). idm what gender the person is btw. I love to read, write about anything that comes to mind, write poetry, I love musical theatre, and my fav genre of music is songs that make you want to throw urself into a bog in the best kinda way. im smart, quite anxious, low-key a train wreck, I’m so sarcastic it’s bad, m pretty well-liked and kind sometimes. and i don’t like when ppl cross boundaries that have been clearly set out, or those foam banana sweets. other stuff is that I’m a Ravenclaw, intj, secretly a 7 year old. thank you!!! and well done again on 2.5k! (that’s a crazy number homie. not surprised they follow u but it’s a lot 😳)

I don’t write for “A Series of Unfortunate Events” so I can’t do a ship for that show, sorry!

HP Golden Trio:

I ship you with Ginny Weasley!

okay, quick side note but you would be best friends with michael corner, you cannot convince me otherwise. in my mind, michael corner is the most sarcastic ravenclaw and generally a disaster, and the two of you together would be peak friendship.

first of all, you’re both hella intelligent, even if it’s not the first thing people recognize, and you both have strong wills - you are a power couple if i’ve ever seen one.

i 100% believe that ginny is shocked by your sarcasm at first. you’re introverted and a little shy when you first meet people, so she wasn’t expecting you to come out with the big guns, but when you do she loves it. the two of you can rip apart anyone you come up against.

but, what’s also good about you guys is that you are also kind and pretty charismatic, when you want to be. you both are softer underneath your intense independence, and so in the vulnerable moments, the two of you can lean on each other for help.

ginny is a music lover, but i don’t imagine she’s too into musicals, so the two of you definitely do some music hunting together, finding songs that both of you adore. due to your natural curiosity, you’re open to new music, which is good because ginny has some that are very near and dear to her, and she can be just a little stubborn when it comes to her tried and trues.

we all know that ginny is the biggest extrovert we’ve ever met, and you’re more of an introvert, which is going to be interesting, to say the least. the redeeming quality here, though, is that you are fairly versatile and so is ginny, so both of you are willing to try out what the other loves.

i imagine that you were friends for a long while before you got together - and that happened kind of naturally, with ginny telling you, once she realized it - so you’ve definitely figured out activities that the two of you do well together.

but, both of you value your independence and are totally fine for the other to do something without you - as long as they bring you food after, or at the very least, a good story.

i think that ginny loves your way with words - your writing and poetry is something she finds very sweet and interesting. she’s never been one to pour her heart on on a page, and to see you do that is something really special.

(don’t @ me, ginny send harry that poem when she was in her first year and then never did so again. she probably got a really bad taste in her mouth for writing down the her feelings - the diary, anyone?)

at least once, you have convinced ginny to try and write poetry, but she insists that it comes out all wrong - she’d much rather use something like songs - ideas already written down - to profess her love for you.

there’s a lot of dancing in the living room in your relationship, the music on full blast.

HP Marauder Era:

I ship you with Remus Lupin!

i kind of went in the opposite direction, but stick with me.

alright, so we all know that remus is an awkward mess when he’s first meeting people, but then he has the (quiet) confidence to rival his fellow marauders once he’s warmed up to you. i imagine you are much the same way, so i’m going to say that the two of you end up meeting because you have a class together and end up being partners after the marauders get split up. maybe charms? either way, the two of you meet and over the course of the week that you work together, you become comfortable and get to know each other alright.

but then, because i am a cruel writer, you don’t properly talk again until you are in the same apparition class. the two of you definitely see each other in the halls or you pass in the library and you’re kind to one another, but you don’t have drawn out conversations until you are learning to apparate, and you are terrified that you are going to get splinched.

(which is a valid fear, tbh, remember how susan bones legit lost a leg? and poor ron?)

remus is, again, assigned to be your partner (no doubt mcgonagall told the instructor to split up the marauders) and having been well versed in coping with paralyzing fear, he help you calm down and over the course of the class, gets you to apparate multiple times (enough to get your license) without having a single accident.

it’s also during this time that the two of you start hanging out more. a couple times the two of you skip lunch (which is right after your class) and head to the library or courtyard to work on homework or studying. you’re very clever and very creative in the way that you study, so you are a big help to remus, who is perpetually behind in school work.

and on your little study dates (which are not dates, it’s not like remus has had a crush on you for years or anything) you both realize that together your sarcasm is unparalleled. it’s enough to shock lily evans, who is known for her sharp tongue.

and you realize you really like this side of remus - you love all of his soft kindness, of course, but this? this is legendary. remus doesn’t hold back and his comments never fail to make you scoff and laugh in disbelief. he can be so savage in his remarks - it now makes sense why he is friends with the marauders.

eventually, you hear the marauders teasing him mercilessly about his crush on you - “ever since you were charms partners in 3rd year, moony!” - and he doesn’t even deny it.

and so you bring it up in some roundabout way the next time you’re walking to the quidditch pitch (you often keep him company when he has to support james’ matches) and remus stumbles over his confession, but you kiss him right as the game starts (and james is too busy rooting for remus that he gets hit with a bludger)

i can 100% see you and remus hanging out in the ravenclaw tower (it’s one of the few places he can go to escape his friends), reading or working on homework while listening to music.

he especially loves musicals, and the two of you debate over what song in the show is the best, and whether contemporary musicals are better than golden age musicals. a lot of the time he’ll play devil’s advocate just because he loves the fervor with which you defend your opinions.

#2.5k celebration!#celebration #lxncelotships

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matamisin · 6 years

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Consider: Mina is a genuinely happy and positive person, but everyone has bad days (especially people who have been thru trauma, like seeing your loved ones regularly beaten to a bloody pulp). The thing is that Mina just. Refuses to show that trauma has actually been effecting her. She starts suppressing negative reactions to situations bc she wants to "stay strong." Beginning of the year? She cried when they got rescued from USJ. End of the year? "Lmao guess we survived another one! Ha! Ha! :)"

oh my god like millennial humor?? if yeah then lmao mina please

if not ahhh Mina baby you have feelings too that you gotta tend to!\

Alright- All (or at least all the angst headcanons I received) are answered below the cut! Please be careful, there are some, well angsty things in there!

TW: Eating Disorder, Gore/ Graphic Depictions, Homophobia, Depression, Suicidal Tendencies/ Self harm mention, Death, Possible spoilers to those not caught up with the BNHA manga- Please ask to tag if I missed any!

(looking at all these warnings made me realize omfg YALL DID NOT HOLD BACK IM CRYING ASK AND THOU SHALT RECEIVETH I SUPPOSE)

a-single-eyelash asked:

Denki accidentally hurt someone as a kid, say a sibling or good friend, with his quirk. It made him hate his work, until he saw a hero with a similar work to his. This is what made him think that not only is his quirk cool, but also that he can become a hero. Well until, he hurt Sero. His boyfriend, got electrocuted by him on the battlefield. (Sorry this is an idea I’ve had for a fic)

O H

BRUH THAT HIT ME LIKE A TRAIN COMING OUT FROM BEHIND THE BUSHES I THOUHGT THERE WAS GONNA BE A HAPPY ENDING THIS IS STILL GOOD THO

anonymous asked:

Bakugou is still sad, Sero is suicidal (Read to may fics about it man), Kami is legitimately afraid he’ll disappoint his parents, Tsu feels to normal, Kiri feeeeeelsss way to useless, and idk maybe Aoyama feels ignored. My own angsty headcanons.

Ah, yeah I can see how those can play into those characters!

anonymous asked:

Sero’s fight or flight response with a villains ice-like quirk (if your for that headcanon) OR Sero overwhelming his quirk trying to rescue a goddamn building of people

OH YA I AM FOR THAT

Also NO STOP HAVE I GOT SOMETHING IN STORE ABOUT COLLAPSING BUILIDINGS

anonymous asked:

Ashido + Bakugou bond over their quirks being destructive and not really knowing how to use them to actually *help* people

oh wow, I’ve never actually seen it that way.

But how about this: while they vent to each other about how their quirks can’t help people, the other is like, full on giving them descriptions of how their quirks actually CAN but they just never realized and they’re opening each other’s eyes while having their own insecurities knocked down

anonymous asked:

Omg your angst au is so angsty it’s beautiful

AH thank you haha!

anonymous asked:

Angsty headcannon boi- Sero was bullied in middle school for having wonky teeth and actually had braces. Which is why he has such a pearly white smile now. Sero was the last in his class to get his quirk and when he did he was laughed at because it was a ‘useless quirk’

n O ANON IM SOB

IM CRYING LEAVE HIM ALONE ILL SQUARE UP WITH THOSE BULLIES

anonymous asked:

Angst head cannon. Sero flinches whenever kirishima hardens. Sero’s parents are majorly homophobic and are actually quite strict. So whenever sero isn’t with bakusquad he tries to revise but it doesn’t work and he’s scared to ask for help.

Aw, man that’s heart wrenching to have parents so unsupportive- I feel it :( He’s just in a constant worry state whenever they’re around

anonymous asked:

If you’re still accepting the angst hcs… i think kaminari gets like really overcharged whenever there’s a storm and since they moved to the dorms there’s nowhere for him to release all the excess energy. So he just kinda hides away in his room in pain.

Aw, that’s terrible!

I dunno.. I feel like that one day when someone finds out during a storm, they’ll like, ask the teachers about “where someone could discharge a lot of energy askingforafriend” and they immediately know who they’re talking about and they’ll ask Powerloader and Mei and others in their department to build something for him to discharge all the excess AND be able to utilize it somehow :0 just a thought!

anonymous asked:

My headcannons: Sero is anorexic Bakugou has PTSD Kaminari has depression Kirishima had self-esteem issues Ashido is perfect (canon)

Oh that last part- she is, she is *clap**clap*

Though.. I will say that just because the others are haunted by those- it doesn’t make them less perfect. It’s their struggles that they learn to cope with and grow from, and it makes them, well, them. Not a definition of perfect can define that :’)

(sorry just speaking from my thoughts cause these hit close to home ahhh)

anonymous asked:

Lmao i sent a lot sorry if their not the best but hopefully some heart strings will be pulled

NONSENSE ANON ALL MY HEART STRINGS WERE PLUCKED BY ALL THESE AND NOW ITS YALLS TURN

transcandydemon asked:

Todocanon; todoroki has constant nightmares of the boiling water incident and of his father hurting him or his mom which causes him to not get as much sleep ie his calm attitude and how he’s not quick to get into conversations because of exhaustion

oh ya, such a traumatic past is def something that could still be haunting him in his dreams :’( but when the others notice, they’ll make sure to check up on him and try to find ways to help reduce nightmares or at least comfort him whenever they’re in his dreams

anonymous asked:

Deku head canon : deku is super jealous of kirishimas and bakugoa relationship since hes been trying to get close to kacchan for years and kirishima managed to do it within days

D’: He probably would feel that- jealousy’s very strong! But ah, in my personal opinion, i think he’d feel that, but after time learns that maybe it was best that he stopped dwelling on it and moves on, and learns to accept and be happy that he and Bakugou could at least be acquaintances that could eventually work well :’)

anonymous asked:

Denki headcanon: where he wants to be as close to bakugo as kirishima is and he tries so damn hard but takes bakugos insults to heart and he really does get torn up and upset about it(ex: the sports festival scene )

Oh wait which scene? Dunce face or?? :0 but yeah, I feel like he’d take it to heart at times. (but my bakukami heart tells me to say that when Baku realizes he gives him a good ass pep talk and beings hold back on his insults, or reassures Denki)

anonymous asked:

Bakugou could have PTSD and nightmares

Oh same headcanon! :’D Ah, but poor Bakugou. I’m sure the others would take it into mind and be aware of it and help him subtly so as to not provoke him, :’(

violetsare-tblue asked:

Bakugo: because of his inferiority complex, feels like he needs to prove himself over and over or he’ll be just the victim again Iida: his left arm is completely numb. He isn’t paralyzed and he can move it. He just can’t feel anything in his hand or arm. Makes holding hands with someone feel empty and useless Sero: he is so scared of being worthless as a hero and a person. He doesn’t want to be left behind by his classmates so he overworks himself and comes to school with random bruises

Oh mmhmm, I definitely see the Bakugou one! Especially after what he said during his fight with Deku, it def shows :(

Aw, Iida probably still looks back at his actions back in the Stain arc and regrets the errors of his ways. Luckily, I’m sure he’ll find someone who helps him through it and reminds him that mistakes don’t define him :’)

:’( Serooo MAKING ME CRY

casua-aria asked:

I have this Sero headcanon where he was the disposable (like how when tape dispensers run out and become disposable) friend in groups throughout his childhood, but now that he goes to UA, he has true caring friends that would never do that to him.

D: !!

That’s so sad- he must have thought his quirk was just life taunting him for being “disposable” hence the tape quirk :( but heck yeah, once he meets the students of UA he definitely begins to see that he wasn’t the problem in the past, but rather those that he was “friends” with!

anonymous asked:

Sero remembering very clearly all the pain that happened when his arm got cut off, maybe being a little scared of Kirishima for a few days after he first wakes up? Idk

OH YEAH THAT ONE HURTS

Like maybe.. once he’s able to respond again, he flinches and has an anxiety attack when he sees Kirishima because the sight of him just sends a flood of the memory to play in his head OOF

anonymous asked:

A personal favorite that nobody’s really thought of: a villain cuts off one finger from each of Ochako’s hands so she can’t use her quirk

OH MAN THATS BRUTAL OMG

That’s so dark!! I feel like a villain would do that should they get a hold of her and, mm maybe wanna rile up someone close to her to lure them in

meptoonzart asked:

Kirishima traitor

b R U H ID CRY MY EYES OUT IF HORI MADE HIM THE TRAITOR

Anonymous said:

I have a lot of angsty headcanons about Kaminari specifically so I’ll just spam you with those. He attracts electricity, so he often gets struck by lightning and has almost died from it twice. Kaminari knows people think he’s the traitor and it eats him up inside every day. He’s been ‘propositioned’ by quite a few creeps because he’s pretty and his quirk is, well, what it is. He has nightmares a lot and it causes power outages, he’s terrified his classmates will hate him for it.(1/?(Idk2maybe)

Sero got into a fight with someone after the sports festival, because how the hell did he make it into UA’S hero course, and Kaminari happens to be with him and he actively threatens the dude who started the fight with his quirk. No one bullies his friends. His overuse of his quirk is slowly killing him, he hasn’t told anyone that it’s destroying his brain. Bakugo reminds him of living in an abusive household but he doesn’t know how to say it so he laughs it off.(2/?(Okaymaybe4wearegettingthere)

Kirishima and Sero are the first to find out about both the frying brain and the abusive household, and Sero asks Kaminari if he wants to go try something. Kaminari says sure and Sero reserves a training ground for them, and Sero swings around with Kaminari and he hopes it works for Kami the same way it does for him. Sero is smiling because he doesn’t know what else to do, but swinging through the air helps him feel better and free. It helps. But there’s always, always the anxiety (¾)

the anxiety of ‘Maybe today is the day I fall’, but he doesn’t realize that Kaminari is helping him stay grounded. He won’t fall. Not when he gets to see Kaminari fuller of life than he’s ever been. They land on one of the buildings in ground Beta, and laugh like idiots as it starts to rain. Kaminari’s dying, Sero is a mess, and they just sit there for hours, past the end of their reservation, talking through their anxieties. Kaminari is scared to die. Sero is scared to lose him. (Okay1more4/5)

Sero promises Kaminari he’ll be there, he’ll do everything he can to help keep him alive as long as possible, and he asks Kaminari how long he has from his last estimate. Kaminari laughs, starting to cry. Six years. Sero tells the Bakusquad, and they promise him that they’ll be there when the time comes. Not villains or Dadzawa could stop them, and finally it does. For only being a hero for three years, he’s made history for kids who have terminal illnesses (ranoutofspacedammit)

And the drawbacks of quirks come more into light. Kaminari may not be a great student or hero, but he brought hope to a lot of people, and everyone will miss him. They can’t hear thunder crack without thinking of him, can’t see the golden sunrise without thinking of his smile. Can’t even bear to look at the classic lit section in a bookstore. He saved people and raised awareness, but he wrecked their hearts as well. (Somehow this turned into a near-fic I’m so sorry Hope you’re doing well(Done))

ANON OMG THANK YOU FOR THIS BASICALLY FIC IM CRYING THERES SO MUCH I DONT EVEN KNOW WHERE TO START CRYING

iamnootthedabmast-r said:

Heard you want some angsty headcannons- so Kaminari tends to stay up due to his quirk and he likes to stay in the dormitory lobby, so he just sits on the couch on his phone or just sits there in the dark- but this leads to him finding some secretive angsty stuff about other people in the dormitory for ex; Bakugou comes downstairs and just starts cooking cause he has terrible night terrors and Kaminari just quietly witnesses as Bakugou cries silently while he eats. (Part 1)

(Part 2) the next morning Kaminari kind of wants to try ask or comfort him but feels rude and awkward so he also kind of struggles with the knowledge of knowing that everyone in his class is a little to a lot of broken. So yeah, sorry if it’s a little confusing- in awkward when it comes to writing what I want to write…

DUUDE THIS IS SUCH A SAD CONCEPT IF YOU WRITE IT I WILL LEGITERALLY PERISH ON SPOT

Anonymous said:

May we… suggest directly… angsty oneshots? Please feel free to ignore this if you preferred hcs

(lmao sorry, im not caught up with the manga or anime to know what the first part is referrring to :’D) but ah yeah I’ve seen that headcanon, not too sure how to feel, but it’s out there!

#tw eating disorder #tw gore #tw graphic depictions #tw homophobia #tw depression #tw suicidal tendencies #tw self harm #tw death mention #bnha spoilers #long post #ask to tag #ahh i wont tag much else of bn/ha so it doesnt gloom up the tags!#all i want for christmas is queue

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kouhadyne · 6 years

Text

me infodumping abt marvel!wren and her infinite wren-ness cranked up to 12

(SO jsyk wren lives in Midtown’s basement in an old computer lab. she’s about a year below Peter but in some advanced classes (namely science and history but thats it.) so she like...vaguely knows him but loves michelle (u cant convince me otherwise wren wouldnt be head over heels for her + probs started calling her mj) so that’s a thing.)

anyway, the kossor bullshittery happens like...either after dark world but before civil war. alt hot take, after iw (as in, everyone is fine, nobody is dead. iw was just a fight over the last hot pocket, avengers are back together.) the fog rolls in every night across NYC and it gets bad enough that there’s a curfew in effect (but people are dumb and go in anyway) so wren (being a dumb person) goes into the fog. she thinks shes gonna die but instead turns into a funky little alien. she thinks she’s a mutant (she isn’t.) and has the power to transform based off chemical responses (half right.) what does she do? she becomes a fucking superhero that’s what.

so she’s running around, trying to fight in like, the worlds shittiest costume but a cool mask (she made everything herself. her mask looks like this and her costume looks like this just without the mecha arms) and wren’s like ‘oh i wish i could control my magic instead of only using it when im scared.’ and woosh, loki comes along like ‘i can help but i need a favor’ and she’s like ‘ya what u need strange green deer’ so loki’s like ‘i’ll teach u how to hide me on earth bcs i got some stank dudes on me’ and shes like ‘aight cool lets make that happen, im THE DARK MAGE; HEROINE EXTRAORDINAIRE whats ur name’ and hes like ‘yeah im loki and we gotta work on that name.’

so they’re doing their thing, wren destroying anything and everything while he teaches her to control her magic so it doesn’t hurt her anymore. all the while she’s explaining her life to him like ‘i met u two weeks ago do u wanna hear my life story’ ‘no’ ‘too bad im an amnesiac orphan and i live in a basement its cool but im also a very cool mutant whos a hero. very neat and cool but people keep trying to kill me’. also i should mention people are trying to kill her left and right bcs word of a perfect-amalgamated hybrid is being spread and an organization of anti-hybrid assholes known as CICADA are like ‘hey kill her and we’ll give u money’. all the bad guys are like “ooh money” or “that nasty halfbreed is going down murder time.” (she does not know shes a hybrid. oblivious baby.)

so loki knows because he isn’t wren: local dumbass. and hes like “is it true ur a descendant of banished asgardians” and wren’s like “im asgardian? neat.” but eventually kossor shows up like “im here to kill the runaway experiment real quick, thanks.” and they fight! but he eventually paralyzes her with a spell only to spill the beans on what she is. turns out, she’s a project called “Warbreaker” whose essentially a natural hybrid with the fused soul of a general and a child soldier smushed into her body. wren, understandably is pissed to shit but can’t really do anything bcs she’s being strangled as her creepy..uncle? father? whispers to her. anyways she’s left to die for 12 hours (he thinks the paralyzer will kill her. it didnt it just kinda...paralyzed her body.) and she has a meltdown because shes alone and faced with the truth about who she is. she believed she had a family somewhere waiting for her to come home, even if she didn’t have parents but now she’s just a disgusting half-breed with a price tag on her head and a target on her back who cant do anything except die.

loki finds her once the fog lifts with the dawn and hes patching her up and she just starts...crying. she explains what she is and hes like ‘oh welcome to the club i got lied to too’ and they have a Moment of Bonding-ness over their shitty families and heritage. but she kinda takes a step back and asks ‘what am i fighting for’ and at this point, she just wants kossor to stop. shes now furious and on a path of vengance and loki’s like “u go baby”. so wren makes a call-out post in the form of a literal war call and theyre gonna duke it out babey!!!

and now they fight bcs wren’s like ‘idfc what i am, what ur doin is wrong asshat’ and kossors like ‘u again, lol perish thot’ and then they fight (its cooler than i make it sound, im sorry.) but it takes 6 hours and both are like, at the fucking brink and wren jsut sucker punches the shit outta him with some magic (namely the illusions loki briefly taught her). so now kossor’s dying on the floor and wren’s dying standing up and he’s like “im sorry i didnt mean to start a war i just wanted my sister back.” and wren’s like “maybe don’t take bribes from extremists then” (i imagine their final conversation to be either deeply moving and influential to wren’s character or just. this vine) but now with his death comes more problems but now wren is stronger than before (using her soul of literal chaos as a fuel for her magic was a good idea) and ready to fight to defend people bcs why not (justice. thats why.)

but two months later shes back up from her hyperthermia induced coma and she’s like “Shit my homework fuck and also loki” (loki has Vanished in loki fashion, aka thor is on earth). cps finds her again and puts her back in a home bcs they thought she was just caught in the fog. but she’s being dark mage, running round the city fighting criminals/alien bad guys trying to kill her but sooner or later she gets a call from the avengers/nick fury and hes like “hey u wanna do an interview” and shes like “yeah its not like ive dreamed of this moment since my childhood as a small 15-year-old i mean I Am An Adult, I Pay Taxes, I Drink The Al Col Hall.” so, like any good person, she lies about her age to join the avengers after an interview with fury and hill (where she just tells how she beat up kossor but lies about her age and who loki is bcs she doesnt go back on her promise of hiding him) so theyre like ‘cool ur in welcome to the avengers dude’

so she’s living in the tower/compound and for Dramatic Purposes (learned from someone) she never takes off her mask and never really...talks. Only on missions when her Serious Wren shows up. but the kinda break her little shell and shes just so quirky u cant help but get charmed. it isn’t really until a mission where they fight CICADA that they find out who she is (they single her out and go after her until she’s near-death and her mask is broken to fuck). she eventually explains everything in the medbay and its like “great, here’s a child with big PTSD and anxiety who lied about her age to join the avengers so she can live somewhere better than a basement, now what” so they argue about it and wren quietly sneaks/runs away. but big worm, here comes a terrifying winter soldier who stalked her to her little hideout. so shes like “i know when im not wanted and ill just go back to being a vigilante’ and hes like ‘hey ur good, kid they arent gonna kick u out.” so they have a Talk of Mutual Bonding and he gets her to come back so they can talk it out. stuff gets argued about and wren’s like “why not just...don’t say anything to fury. im doing this outta my own free will so none of u will get in trouble. plus im also not a kid bcs technically im 4 years old.” ‘that is not helping, Kujisela’ ‘call me wren its my name’. long story short, they agree to let her stay as long as Dark Mage still fights. (im a big slut for family dynamics so Hey + i feel like the supersoldiers start calling her plum bcs of her Purple-ness and it catches on)

so ye thanks for reading my TED Talk; i love Wren Ataxia Kujisela with all of my heart (pls just...talk to me abt her)

#wren tag #quill.txt #its a LOT but im.....big wren mood #love u bb #oc tag

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decembercamiecherries · 7 years

Text

First-Name Basis

HAPPY KILLUGON DAY! :D

I actually wasn’t sure if I was going to post anything for today bc I didn’t know if I had the time to write a real full-length story…..

BUT then I remembered this post that golden-chocobo messaged me about like two months ago and I changed my mind XD Please enjoy~

Ao3 link

Word count: 3104

Prompt:

does the “i slept with you the other day and i didnt know we had a mutual friend and now we’re sitting across each other for brunch and it’s awkward because i ran out when you were asleep” au exist bc i need that fic

Modern au :3

Killua had never been as mortified as he was now, standing frozen and utterly paralyzed while Kurapika introduced Leorio’s friend who had suddenly joined them for lunch on this random Saturday afternoon.

There was no denying it. Killua knew Leorio’s friend, had met this stranger with caramel skin and spiky brown hair last week at Palm’s party. It was this exact same bright-eyed man who had invited Killua back to his apartment, who Killua had spent the entire night with before waking up in said stranger’s bed, horrified, and sprinting away as fast as his legs could carry him.

This same person who was now gazing at him with eyes that burned gold and had Killua’s heart doing back flips in his chest.

Killua clenched his hands into white-knuckled fists. To say that he wanted to jump out of the nearest window would have been an understatement.

“Killua,” Kurapika said, startling Killua out of his mind-numbing shock. “Are you listening?”

Killua swallowed thickly. “Yeah, ‘course I was,” he said and the back of his neck prickled at the feeling of intense eyes locked onto his face.

Leorio snorted. “I doubt it, kid. You were staring off into space the entire time Kurapika was talking. What, did you see a ghost or something?”

Hot anger flashed through Killua. He snarled, “Listen here, old man-”

Leorio’s friend chirped suddenly, “So, your name is Killua?”

Killua’s mouth shut with a click. He shifted his eyes onto the other male, dragging his gaze over freckled cheeks and tanned hands and that brilliant smile. It was frighteningly easy to remember how those hands had felt brushing against his arms, calloused fingers finding his in the dark and intertwining, holding on tight enough to leave imprints-

“Killua Zoldyck” he said stiffly, trying and failing to ignore the way his cheeks were on fire. “And you’re Gon, right? Gon Freecss.”

Gon’s smile bloomed into a full out grin and something in Killua’s chest tightened. He hadn’t known Gon’s name until now. The night they’d met had been a whirlwind of…activity. They’d moved past the term strangers so fast that they’d left introductions behind in the dust. Names somehow didn’t matter when Gon had him shoved up against the wall-

Anyway. It was actually kind of nice to finally have a name to the fuzzy but warm face in Killua’s memory. Not that he would ever admit that, though.

“What are you two staring at, sit down so we can eat!” Leorio said impatiently.

Killua scowled. He plopped down next to Kurapika on the rectangular table, with Gon sitting directly across from him.

“Do you think they have any specials today?” Leorio mused aloud as Kurapika and Killua shifted in their seats. “If Machi’s on duty there’s usually some quality omelets or fish platter or something-”

Killua pointedly ignored the rest of Leorio’s question, staring down at his empty plate but barely seeing it.

He couldn’t ignore the way Gon’s pressing stare was digging into his face. Killua could feel it like it was real and tangible thing, crawling over his skin and leaving it tingling. It made him self-conscious. It made him want to duck under the table for the rest of the meal.

Instead he just lifted the menu to hide his now scarlet face.

“I’m sure you can ask the waiter when they come around, Leorio,” Kurapika said, tone amused. “In the meantime, though, you should tell us how you and Gon met.”

Gon said, “Oh, well, I’m a scientist! I do research on nature and different species around the world. But one day I got hurt by accident with one of the animals I was studying. Leorio was the doctor who patched me up.”

Killua frowned. A scientist, huh? He did vaguely remember Gon talking about a fox or something last week…

Leorio huffed. “And you’ve been a pain in my butt ever since. You’ve come back to my office three times in the last month!”

Gon laughed freely, not sounding at all embarrassed, and Killua’s pulse began to race. Gon’s laughter sounded like music, bells, and chimes. He gritted his teeth. It should’ve been illegal for someone to have as nice of a laugh as that. Especially when the idiot was laughing over something so completely stupid-

“Killua, are you all right?”

Killua blinked and dropped his menu in surprise. Kurapika was looking at him with concern, worry knotting his brows.

“Yeah, your face looks kinda weird,” Leorio leaned forward, eyebrow raised. “Don’t tell me you’re gonna whine about the quality of the water again-”

“Shut up, that was one time!” Killua hissed, hot embarrassment washing over him like a tsunami. “And I only said that to piss you off!”

Leorio sputtered and Gon laughed again, setting Killua’s cheeks aflame.

He looked away quickly to hide his expression. He reached for his water, saying lamely, “I’m just thinking about what to order since I’m not sure what I’m in the mood for. That’s all.”

Gon said cheerfully, “I’m sure whatever you have will taste delicious, Killua!”

Killua choked at the implication. He spat out his drink and water spewed all over the table.

“AUGH- Killua!” Kurapika cried out and Leorio pushed himself away from the table with a howl.

Killua was too busy coughing up his lungs to give any kind of response. He gasped for air, stomach rolling.

Did Gon seriously just say that?! Was it on purpose, Killua thought wildly as the unwanted memory and taste of Gon’s soft lips pressed against his rushed to the front of his mind, or-?

Gon grinned at him from across the table, eyes shining mischievously, and Killua knew the answer instantly.

“You bastard,” he rasped and Gon’s smile only grew.

“Heh, sorry! I couldn’t help it.”

“Then toughen up and keep your smug comments to yourself, you little gremlin-”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa! Calm down, you two!” Leorio said loudly and Kurapika yanked sharply on Killua’s arm in warning. “I wanted a calm lunch with my closest friends, not a brawl, okay?! This is a nice place, I don’t wanna get kicked out of another restaurant-”

Kurapika spoke over Leorio’s heated speech, “Do you two know each other, somehow?”

Killua’s blood turned to ice.

“No,” he said just as Gon chirped, “Yep!”

There was a tense pause. Leorio and Kurapika glanced between the pair with confusion while Killua glared daggers at Gon. Gon, on the other hand, just pouted.

“Killua, its mean to pretend you don’t know me,” he whined. “We had a lot of fun with each other the last time we hung out!”

Fun with-?!

Heat rushed to his cheeks as Killua made a strangled sound. Holy shit. If Gon kept this up, Killua was going to stab him with the restaurant knives before lunch was even served.

Hands curling into claws, Killua began to hiss, “If you say one more word, I swear to god I’ll-”

“Hi, may I take your order!”

Killua jolted at the sudden appearance of the waitress. He turned away with a scowl as everyone haltingly ordered their drinks. When the waitress left again, palpable awkwardness hung in the air.

Kurapika coughed. “So. You two have met before?”

Killua pressed his lips into a thin line. As if he was going to give Gon the satisfaction of answering!

“Mhm!” Gon cupped his chin in one hand and leaned forward on the table. Killua watched him warily even as Gon beamed at him. Gon continued, “Me and Killua met at a party last week and we hit off right away.”

“What?! You were invited to a party without me?!” Leorio exploded. “Who’s party-”

“Palm Siberia,” Killua said shortly. “Y’know, Ikalgo’s cousin? Girl with long wavy hair and blue eyes that you keep claiming is super-hot?”

Leorio flushed. “Why don’t you shut it, brat?”

Killua smirked. “Don’t ask, next time.”

“How do you know Palm, Gon?” Kurapika quickly interrupted before Leorio could get another word in.

“Hm? Oh, we used to date!”

Killua’s heart plunged to the floor. He suddenly felt winded, like the ground had been swept out beneath him. Date? But, then why had Gon-

“- we broke up a long time ago, though,” Gon finished and the air returned to Killua’s lungs.

It was stupid and dumb. Killua was stupid and dumb, to get this worked up over hearing about an ex-girlfriend of a guy he’d had a one night stand with. Killua cursed himself silently. Sometimes he really hated himself.

In the background Killua heard Kurapika ask, “And you and Palm are still friends even after that?”

“Yep! And I’m really glad we are, ‘cause otherwise I wouldn’t have gotten to known Killua so well!”

Killua’s muscles locked in place. His blood boiled as he slowly looked up at Gon.

“What,” he growled lowly. “-did I say about suggestive comments?!”

Gon innocently titled his head to the side. “Hmmmmm? I don’t really know what you mean.”

“You-!”

“But I really am happy I got to see you again, Killua,” Gon interrupted him. “You know? ‘Cause I was upset the last week when I realized I didn’t get your phone number, or even your name. I might have never talked to you again if Leorio hadn’t invited me to lunch today, and that would’ve made me really, really sad.”

Killua’s angry words died in his throat. Left speechless, he stared at Gon and Gon stared back. Killua’s insides squirmed under the intensity of that gaze and the restaurant around them disappeared as the silence stretched on.

Now that he was really paying attention, Killua couldn’t help but notice how ethereal Gon looked, even though he was simply sitting there. Sunlight streaming in from the restaurant’s windows hit Gon’s skin at just the right angle and set it aglow.

Killua’s heart pounded loud and heavy against his ribs. Gon was beautiful, and the sight of him took Killua’s breath away.

The waitress materialized next to their table. “Okayyyy, here are your drinks-”

Killua jumped so badly he fell out of his chair.

“Killua!” Kurapika said, alarmed, as Killua scrambled back to his feet. “Are you-?”

“Fine!” Killua said shrilly. His whole body tingled and he could still feel Gon staring at him, always staring at him and it was driving him insane-

“I g-gotta,” Killua stammered as his friends gaped at him. “- gotta go to the, the bathroom. Um.”

He turned on his heel and bolted. His heartbeat echoed in his ears with each step and his vision blurred as he sped past customer-filled tables.

Gon had been upset that Killua had left without saying anything. Gon had been sad that he might’ve never known Killua’s name. Gon was happy to Killua again.

And Killua couldn’t deny that deep, deep down, past the horror and the shock- he’d been happy, no, thrilled to see Gon again, too. That one night with Gon had been the best time he’d had in a while, and not just because of the ‘after party activities’.

Talking with Gon had been amazing; Gon made him laugh so hard his sides ached and his cheeks hurt for hours afterwards from how much he had smiled. There had been a click between them. A kind of chemistry that made Killua want to fly back into Gon’s arms even as he ran away.

Killua bit the inside of his cheek to stop himself from screaming. What the hell had he gotten himself into?!

Gon headed for the restroom exactly fifteen minutes after Killua left.

He found the hallway where the bathrooms were located easily. He was about knock on the men’s room when he heard a loud laugh from inside.

Gon’s heart leaped. That was Killua’s laughter, he would recognize it anywhere. Even in the dark.

He leaned in closer to the door, curious despite himself. Killua always made him curious. Gon wanted to know lots of things about Killua, like his favorite color and what movies he hated and what kinds of music he listened to…Gon wanted to know it all; it was a desire burning in the pit of his stomach.

Gon shook the thought away. He could learn all that stuff later. Right now, he had to focus.

“-know, it’s crazy, right?” Killua was saying. Gon frowned at his tone- it verged on hysterical. “I mean, my first one night stand and the guy shows up at lunch the next week.”

Gon’s mouth went dry. Killua was talking about him, about Gon.

He heard Killua sigh heavily. “Yes, it’s the same guy. No, Alluka, it’s definitely him. I wouldn’t mess this up.”

He paused and Gon had barely a second to wonder who Alluka was before Killua was saying shrilly, “Shu-shut up! Y’know I didn’t call just for you to tease me the whole ti- what? Oh, god, no. Please, don’t start.”

Gon pressed his lips together to stop himself from giggling at Killua’s drawn-out groan. “Nooooo, c’mon, don’t say that. I’m not gonna- are you seriously suggesting I go out there and tell him how I feel to his face?! Are you insane?!”

Gon’s heartbeat began to race. What did exactly Killua want to tell him? Was it the same thing that Gon had been dying to tell Killua since he entered the restaurant with Kurapika?

Gon remembered so clearly how Killua had looked right before they’d fallen asleep in Gon’s bed last week- tousled silver hair, smooth stretches alabaster skin and beautiful scarlet-stained cheeks. The gentle smile Killua had given him then had filled Gon with an elation left him speechless.

Gon had closed his eyes that night with his hand in Killua’s, knowing somehow that he never wanted to lose sight of Killua for as long as he lived.

And waking up the next morning without Killua there….that had been the worst morning of his life.

But Killua was here, now. And that was the only thing that mattered.

There was a thumping noise on the opposite side of the bathroom door, starling Gon.

“Why do you always have to be right?” Killua moaned and Gon’s lips twitched. “Yeah, yeah, I get it. You’re smart, smarter than a moron like me, I know.” He snorted. “Mhm. Sure. Whatever you say.”

“Okay, fine. I will. I said I will. What, you don’t trust me? I will. Okay? Okay, talk to you later. Bye.”

Gon’s pulse skyrocketed and he scrambled away from the bathroom. A second later, Killua opened the door, running a hand through his starlight hair with a long breath.

He stopped short when he saw Gon.

For a few seconds, they just looked at each other.

Gon blurted out, “You were taking a long time, so I! I got worried.”

Killua blinked. His normally pale face slowly darkened and Gon couldn’t help the warmth that spread through him. The flustered look was nice on Killua. Gon would know.

“You.” Killua wrinkled his nose. “You were saying all that stuff at the table on purpose, weren’t you?”

Gon scratched his cheek. “Eh, well.”

Killua narrowed his eyes. “Well?! All that, and the only thing you can think to say is well?! What do you think I am, an idiot?!”

Gon laughed at Killua’s enraged expression- Killua was cute even when he was angry! It was really incredible!

“Gon,” Killua growled. “You better have a good explanation, or else I’ll-”

“Sorry, I’m sorry!” Gon said breathlessly and grabbed Killua’s hands on impulse.

“I’m sorry,” he repeated as Killua’s whole body stiffened. “I’m not trying to make fun of you, I swear.”

Killua visibly swallowed. “Then. What do you want? You kept saying all that stuff and I didn’t know what you were trying to…”

Gon couldn’t stop the affectionate smile that spread across his face. He squeezed Killua’s hands, saying, “I was trying to tell you that I really like you, Killua! I liked you last week when we first met, I really liked falling asleep besides you, and I like you even more now that I know your name!”

“So,” he said, trying his hardest not to laugh at how large Killua’s blue eyes had grown. “-so, Killua. Wanna get lunch sometime soon? With just the two of us, this time?”

Killua opened his mouth, then shut it. Gon waited patiently, letting their hands swing back and forth between them. He would wait until Killua was ready to express himself the way he wanted. They had time, now.

Finally, Killua took a deep breath. He confessed quietly, “I’d like that.”

Gon’s heart soared. “Really?”

Killua nodded, face turning even redder, and his hands were warm in Gon’s.

“Then how about we go out now?” Gon asked excitedly.

“N-Now? But what about Kurapika and Leorio-?”

“I don’t think they’ll mind. We kind of ditched them already. And you did spit water all over them, so-”

“Shut up!” Killua snapped, but to Gon’s delight, didn’t pull away. “That was totally your fault! If you hadn’t said that stuff to embarrass me, that would’ve never happened!”

“You didn’t have to take what I said so literally, though.”

“Why, you-!”

Gon jumped forward and pressed his lips to Killua’s in a brief kiss, effectively cutting off the rest of Killua’s angry retort.

“Relax, Killua,” he breathed as Killua gaped wordlessly at him. “I was kidding. Can we go, now? I wanna take you someplace nice for our first date.”

A strange mix of emotions flashed through Killua’s eyes- irritation warred with desire, all mixed together with a soft fondness that made Gon’s chest swell.

Killua sighed. “Yeah, okay. Let’s get out of here.”

Warmth spread through Gon’s body. His cheeks ached from how wide he smiled but he couldn’t care less.

“Yeah. Hey, Killua.”

Killua tilted his head to the side. “What?”

“I’m glad we’re finally on a first-name basis.”

Killua’s sputtering laughter filled Gon to the brim with weightless joy.

“Me too, Gon. Me too.”

#KILLUGON DAY #:D #i love my precious babies #i wrote and edited this whole thing in one day #and then reread it for mistakes the next three days #XDDD #happy anniversary boys #<3 #dc writes #hunterxhunter #killua zoldyck #gon freecss #killugon #modern au #au

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jess-oh · 6 years

Text

Reflection

hey journal!

i had a pretty good day today but it was all ruined so quickly.

i started the day by waking up late and so, i didnt meet linda in time at the fullerton red line stop at 8am this morning and i felt super bad but i chose to just take a lyft instead. i debated on training it up to jenny but by that time. i’d get to church by 10am and i wasnt sure if i would even make it in time so i just decided to take a lyft instead. i made a commitment to come early and although i would be very late, it was better to come a little early than not at all! and i had a good time talking with my lyft driver about church and my busy schedule anyway! and i think i’m getting the hang of finding the balance of listening intently and actually caring for others and sharing my own experiences. as of right now, ive been trying to not share about myself unless prompted to and i think it’s been working so far! im just afraid i’ll end up having a lot of pent up emotions that i never felt comfortable sharing and end up feeling miserable again. but hopefully it doesnt come to that and people just know to ask! but i saw josh, johnathan’s roommate, there again and that was really nice! i got to see amanda and johnathan and josh and p josh and i was glad. and i got to see some familiar faces! like david, austin, rachel, johnny, christine, daniel bang and more! and although, again, i am sad chelsea and angela were missing, im also relieved that they werent there bc i wasnt so afraid of being judged constantly. honestly, jason too. he was also missing and i felt kind of relieved bc although i know he means well when he teases me, it’s slowly spiraling into verbal abuse and i actually do get kind of hurt sometimes. i tend to shrug it off but like when he calls me a “dummy” when i learn about new information, i feel kind of bad. if i knew but forgot, then thats one thing and i know i deserve that. but i literally just found out. why does that warrant or mean im not smart in any way? i’ll probably confront him about it in the near future and as of right now, i do value him as a friend and we have had real, deep conversations with each other, which i do really value and appreciate. and i also dont think i have a real issue in telling him about how i feel. i have been wondering if he’s been wanting to check up on me since i cried when he told me about my flaws. but, he hasnt asked yet so i guess it’s whatever. but then again, we also havent seen each other in a while. it’s been what, two weeks, going on three weeks now? it does feel a bit weird. but then again, even missing just one sunday left me feeling like i’d been gone for such a long time! and though i was a bit stressed at first with the cross conference meeting and meeting so many new freshmen at once, i am really glad and grateful that i got to spend time with everyone today. i didnt pay too much attention to the cross conference meeting as my attention was divided elsewhere but it sounded good for the most part! it sounds like we’ll be selling calligraphy prints, doing a bake sale, and a benefit concert! im excited to see how it all goes! then, johnathan, amanda, p. josh and i went to the college room to prepare and pray over the meeting for the day and it was really nice to just be able to spend that time with them! p josh pitched a game, i couldnt think of anything better and neither could amanda or johnathan, so we just ran with it! johnathan was full of great ideas today, tbh! he had a lot of little afterthoughts that really contributed to the success of the icebreaker today! it was a bit awkward at first but all the freshmen seem to be really close and im excited to see how many of them stay and choose to invest in the community here! oh! i also prayed for the service today pretty on the spot! p josh legit texted me on my way to church and i sheepishly agreed to it. but i was really feeling the music today and my heart feels so much lighter and happier after having gone to vision camp over the weekend with amanda! so when i got up to the front, i tried to go over everything happening today during the service but more importantly, really tried to be real and genuine with the words that i said and i think that i did. and i later asked elsa if it was a good prayer and she said it was so i guess i did pretty well! ^_^ thank you for speaking through me today, God!

Then, i debated on whether or not to go back downtown or stay in Evanston and God made a way! it seemed like Amanda would go home and i felt bad ditching her and choosing to stay in Evanston and possibly spend time with the freshmen but they ended up not coming! haha. but instead, alex cho, austin, briefly d. bang, daniel kwon, yaeji, johnny, johnathan, p. josh, amanda, christine, and esther were there! and im really only “close” with amanda, p. josh, and johnathan but i think through the icebreaker and just studying together today really brought us all closer together! i held a few conversations with christine, i talked to austin about my client work, i joked around with johnny and the others, i gave my opinion to yaeji both while we were waiting at church and while we were studying and overall, i didnt feel very scared or nervous or pressured. i was just there and enjoyed the moment and the opportunity i got to spend with them. and im glad. i do really want to grow closer in my relationship with them all this coming year. and im hoping we can start through the EC retreat this weekend! im stressed beyond belief with all my responsibilities but im also starting to feel better and more optimistic! as i was typing this, jason randomly messaged me and it was just for a test but it meant a lot to me that he would even think of me to do that. i really hope he and angela are doing okay! i cant imagine how hard this must be for him to have his significant other attending a different church when he has been placed by God at lakeview. maybe it wasnt meant to be or maybe angela just needs to grow on her own apart from us. regardless of the reason, i hope shes doing well. but i also want to give her space bc i do feel partly responsible for why she left. at the end of the day, she was just bitter towards everything but i also didnt help the fact either. but i really do hope chelsea and angela are doing okay! i think the best thing i can do now is to just pray for them and lift them up! i want to genuinely care for them and put them first before myself. i know that i’ve been incredibly selfish and prideful in the past but i really do want to do better. i really do. and only by God’s strength may i do that!

But onto why I was so stressed out earlier. I walked back with Amanda to the train and then took that down with her for most of the ride. We got to know each other on a much deeper level and I want her to know that I will be there for her just as much as she has already been there for me! And I do really hope we can grow deeper in out relationship together. I asked her if she didnt mind sharing why she is such a people pleaser and i learned a lot about her through that! i just paid attention and listened intently and didn’t think of myself at all throughout it. i dont always need to give advice or respond. i just need to be there for her. and i was. so i did. i couldnt relate to her situation but i cared more that she could understand her thought process more than i did about sharing my own feelings. and it did really fill me with joy to do that! im glad we got to spend so much time together and can continue to spend more time together in the near future!

but anyways, she got off at monroe, which was fine, bc i was almost home anyway. BUT, i dont remember exactly where. i think around Roosevelt or maybe Sox-35th...these 4 kids got on and started acting pretty crazily. They were ripping the plastic screen protectors off the windows of the train and rolling them up. Presumably to use later but just to have fun, they started whacking each other with the pieces of plastic. and i was kinda shocked at myself for feeling somewhat paralyzed in the moment and scared. it wasnt bc they were black. it was just bc i didnt know what to do! i was afraid of how they would react or what they would do to me if i spoke up and said something! so instead, i just turned a blind eye and did my best to focus my attention elsewhere and simply look out the window! and i did almost get hit when 2 of the kids were hitting each other on opposing sides of the window and i think thats when the kid next to me noticed me. he was probably about 8 or so years old. he was definitely a child while the others were a bit older ranging from 8-16. but as i tried to politely leave, he grazed my butt with his plastic roll and from behind me, i heard him say, “haha, i touched that girl’s booty!” and i did feel a bit violated but i could chalk that up to being an accident if i really wanted to. so then i waited for my stop and it felt like the longest ride in between the two stops. but i waited and just did my best to ignore the kid and look out the window, ready to leave. to which, he definitely purposefully hit my butt again with the plastic, underneath my buttcheeks and said something along the lines of, “see ya, babe.” and i just sheepishly/nervously smiled and quickly left. and my thoughts were running pretty fast. i was in such shock and didnt think it would bother me as much as it did. i think the fact it was a kid and not an older man to which i actually really did feel helpless was nice but the fact that i was just physically sexually harassed at all surprised me. and i have been catcalled before but this was different! i felt so violated. he knew what he was doing and was proud of himself for having touched me. i felt violated. and i still do. i worry about what my first time having sex will be like if this is how i react to getting touched on the train. but anyways, i quickly told amanda and later my group chat with jordan and tykira and i was worried that they would brush it off and tell me it was no big deal. so i was pretty surprised when they were concerned for my safety and wellbeing instead. to which i responded that i was okay, just shocked. but their genuine concern meant a lot to me! i still cant really believe that happened and i had a really hard time concentrating or focusing on the lyrics of praise songs so i just prayed to God instead about how i do trust somewhere that this experience happened to me for a reason and it could have been a lot worse than it was but it wasnt. it happened and im here and i just have to accept it and move on. i dont know what was going on in that kid’s life and the best thing i can do is to just pray for him and wish him the best.

and finally, i slipped on this but the bathroom flooded at church today and idk who did it or when but i was honestly prepared to leave at first, had it not been for an ahjumma that came in and noticed the mess. and idk... something about that triggered something within me and i quickly ran to get a mop from the MPR and clean it up! it wasnt mine to clean and im sure someone else would have done it later. but for the time being, it was there and it was a mess and getting in the way of everyone’s restroom experience so i took initiative and cleaned up the mess. and honestly, a part of me hoped that p josh or yaeji or amanda or someone would see me or wonder why im taking so long and ask what i was doing. to which, i could humble brag and say i cleaned the restrooms faithfully though it was not my responsibility to do so. but no one asked or noticed my leave of absence. so i ended up just telling amanda instead and she didnt respond very enthusiastically which made me realize that i had made an error in my ways. and now im here, reporting it and reflecting upon it!

but yeah! thats where im at now! i was about to post this but then p josh messaged me about meetups and i started talking to him and im just really so blessed to have gotten to know him so much better over the summer and i reall yam excited to work with him this coming school year! i do believe that he has grown, a lot. and i am very proud of him. thank you for blessing and placing me here, God! I know i was weary at first but i really am so much happier here than i could have ever imagined!

#reflection

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dreamiejournal · 7 years

Text

dream #18

i fell asleep somewhere around 3 and it's 4:30 am so it was only an hr and a half (woa actually a perfect, full sleep cycle) but that felt like fucking ages. i'm still feeling paralyzed with fear but i really need to get up and pee because i think that's actually what contributed to this (anxiety? tension?)

in this dream i kind of ended up in this room that looked kind of like an unfinished basement. in the room, there was one of those faceless mannequin things that was all white. it was functional and basically sentient. it was called a Psychopath and it was violent and acted very human with a robotic voice. the Psychopath started chasing me and threatened to kill me but then i ended up running right into the laboratory of its creator, who i referred to as the "Architect.” I was injured and scared and thought he would help me, but because the Architect discovered that I had somehow gotten into his lab, he got angry and forced me into one of those long, glass chambers and I just sat there and curled up into a ball, scared out of my wits

i fell asleep in the chamber and in my dream i woke up in my own bed at home. literally this is one of those nightmares where you think you’ve woken up but it’s you waking up to another layer of dreaming and it’s just awful. i was shaking and i got up and grabbed my laptop, which was next to me on my bed (it’s actually there too irl rn, which is exactly what i just did to write this down and it’s kinda scaring me). i started researching the Psychopath robot, trying to see if i could find more information about it, and if it was real, and it turned out that this kind of robot belonged to the broader Sociopath species of mannequins (wtf???). i just remember scrolling through ages of those terrifying mannequin robot things... i found this website that asked me to do some kind of thing but idr what. all i remember is that at one point i looked away from the screen and towards my closet and it was like my very fuckING paranoia manifested in dream hallucinations. i started hallucinating all these grim reaper type apparitions and tall chain mail ppl and there was this horrible keening sound in my head and all the images were blurring into one another with red waves andi couldn’t escape it and holy fuck i’m like shaking as i write this because that kind of paranoia is my worst fear and it’s exactly how i believe my fears and paranoia would come into perceptual existence.

at one point it let up enough for me to grab my bearings and i was recovering from the shock of it exACTLY LIKE I WAS RECOVERING WHEN I WOKE UP FROM THIS DREAM but this is real life now. i know it is real life now. it’s okay. i’m okay. i was lying flat on my back in my bed which i hate doing because i always get sleep paralysis and dream me was thinking that maybe the reason the “bad dream” i had (which was a dream inside a dream) was because i slept on my back. SCARILY ENOUGH I ACTUALLY SLEPT ON MY BACK TONIGHT BC I VISITED HOME AND I DON’T LIKE SLEEPING FACING AWAY FROM THE CLOSET. I’M A PARANOID BABY. anyway. in the dream i managed to shakily get out from under the covers and run to my parents’ room. i could still hear the sound in my head slightly and it was like i physically ran through a wall of the paranoia that hit me. when i got to their room i ran to my mom and started shaking her and told her i was scared and had a bad dream and that bad things were happening (when i was little i actually did do those things and sometimes my mom would sleep in my bed with me or i would just curl up on the ground next to her bed..... oh god i was pitiful..) and like always she gave me a big hug and let me get into bed with her and held me in her lap like a little kid while i was terrified out of my mind. i went on my phone and continued doing my research and i stumbled upon an amazon review page for the website i was on???? it literally said that a bunch of other people had experienced the same kind of hallucinations i did so they gave the website like 1 star.

suddenly the dream changed again and i woke up back in the chamber. my heart was pounding and i pressed up against the glass trying to figure out where the Architect was. somehow i managed to get out of the chamber thing and i kind of peeked around the corner through an empty doorway and saw the Architect carrying a torso piece over to this mounted mannequin head on a stand. there was neon purple electricity flowing through its head and then the architect attached its body n i got even more scared knowing that it was closer to completion. the Architect realized i was just standing there around the corner and explained to me that he was designing another sociopath and apologized for the other one going awry.

i was angry and scared still but there wasn’t much i could do. the Architect said he’d let me go and I agreed, but I was still afraid to go back into the open basement bc I thought I’d see the Psychopath again. the Architect reassured me that he reprogrammed it and shut it off so it shouldn’t be able to do anything again. i reluctantly agreed and all of a sudden Angeline appeared in the dream and walked back with me to the door. i opened the door and was about to leave, but angeline was like “are u not going to take anything” and inside i was like oh shit i should maybe i can turn off that other robot he’s making??? so i went back and the architect heard me trying to get back into the lab and said “i know you’re still there. don’t take anything” and i turned back to leave again. but once i got to the door i opened it so it made a convincing sound that i was leaving and then i crept back into the lab and tried to pull off the torso of the Sociopath. it didn’t work tho and I was caught but for some reason I wasn’t locked up again. the Architect just told me, slightly more exasperated this time, to leave and i agreed this time.

it was so weird bc right after i left the building, i ended up going right back in again and i saw that the interior had drastically changed and it was no longer the gray, sterile-looking environment of before. now it was like the same room shape, but the ground was covered in grass and flowers, there were no Sociopaths, and the sky outside through the windows was blue instead of just gray slates of nothing. i sat down in the grass and it was so sunny and beautiful and i was in a bathing suit for some reason. it was blue with little polka dots even though i own nothing of the kind. all of a sudden, the door opened again and a woman with dark hair that kind of looked like alex (v*ausem*n, i don’t want this to fill the tag lol) and she looked at me with this kinda sultry smile and sat down across from me in the grass. it turned out that the room was designed to react to the energies of the people in it and basically the room generated an ocean atmosphere. i’ll call the girl alex for now lol even though she didn’t have a name. anyway alex started smiling and i said something like “oh, ocean. makes sense, since i look like this” and then she looked over and looked me up and down basically and then all of a sudden i’m like making out with this girl in the grass of this weird basement type room

ofc THIS is when my body chooses to wake up so

yeah um this was so long but i really needed to flesh it out bc i was feeling really scared earlier and i feel better now that i took time to write it down. jeez its 5 am now i should sleep

#dream #reverietxt

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