#so we see guilt

[queersouthasian]

The way Charlie closed his eyes before crashing his car, the way babe's eyes are still red and he is still zoned out, eating less and enraged, the way Charlie is devastated when he asks Jeff "Is babe very sad?", it may come off as a stupid question until you study his expressions, HIS EYES are pleading, begging jeef to say that babe is fine, that's why when jeff says the obvious, there we see grief and GUILT, the way Charlie is ready to be a test subject to unknown drugs just so the senses no longer remain so that BABE is safe, the way CHARLIE GETS OVERPROTECTIVE in the preview after finding those babe related pictures, the way Charlie was so pale and injured but he did all of that just for babe. Charlie sweetheart, he loves you sm, he is not sad, he is devastated, he will never get over you sweetheart, he loves and cares about you sm, please go back to him. Save him, again pls.

#lgbtq #alan giving babe pills #reminded me of charlie taking care of babe #without even being told so #babe's red eyes #determination to take down tony #he is ready to do everything #it's the way babe had always made sure #charlie knows he absolutely hates the idea #of him dieing #so we see guilt #extreme guilt #no one #AND I REPEAT NO ONE #CAN BE THEM #they are my everything #pit babe the series #charlie x babe

[tawaifeddiediaz]

you know what boils my blood.

over the last 2 weeks, i've seen countless patients walk into my urgent care center, symptomatic for so many things, refusing to get tested for covid and flu, citing that they don't want to knowingly bring it to their holiday tables. i had a patient tell me, verbatim, "i don't want to test for covid, because i don't want to be the asshole who brings it on a plane."

i understand that - i understand that holidays are times where people look forward to meeting loved ones that they might only see once a year, or where they get a break from the hectic back and forth of their lives.

but here's the thing - whether they get tested or not, they will bring whatever they have to their holiday tables. it's pure recklessness to know that you're sick, and walk into someone else's house spreading the disease.

today, january 2, i saw 91 patients, many of them who have tested positive for covid and flu. many of these patients are the same ones who didn't want testing 3 days ago, until their events were over, and now, they will have to reach out to everyone they know to let them know that they were positive because they were showing symptoms well before their event.

the next week or two? we're going to see many, many more, all people with symptoms that started around christmas. these are the only two viruses we test for rapidly in our office, but they are potent and can be fatal in many people.

so here's why i wrote this post, and maybe it's a little late, but - if you care about your loved ones, please get tested if you know you're sick. it doesn't have to be at a clinic if you don't want it to, because the over-the-counter tests work just fine too (if you test within 5-7 days of symptom onset). just...please don't try to run from the knowledge that you might have covid, because immunocompromised people, elderly people, people with co-morbidities like asthma, pregnancy, diabetes, etc...many of them may not recover. and they may not be sitting at your holiday table in the future because of it.

#zee rambles #this isn't to guilt trip anyone #but im so so tired of people coming in and just refusing testing because they want to see grandma or whatever #and on top of that people are avoiding vaccinations and all that too?? #we all lived through the pandemic - everyone saw how many people unfortunately passed away from it #now because of vaccinations and some amount of herd immunity we're finding milder cases in healthy people #but that doesn't mean its gone #that doesn't mean it doesn't have long-term repercussions even in healthy people and that doesn't mean people aren't still dying from it #honestly i just needed a lil rant #and if this helps at least one person??? im all for it #also i can't sleep so here we are spilling thoughts into the voidddd

[ruporas]

your love returns in tragedy (ID in alt)

#farcille #falin touden #marcille donato #dungeon meshi #dunmeshi #coming face to face with the consequences of acting out of love - marcille u will always be famous #dunmeshi is really a series that keeps on moving bc it's about so many different characters and centered on the journey #rather than like... introspectively on one singular individual so i dont think we see marcille dwell on it but we can see her fatigue #her shock and surprise in the recent ep “don't hurt her she's just confused” Gah. desperately trying to grasp everything thats going on and #not to lose hope. bc undoubtedly the remains she put together was falin's - that short moment of reprieve the party had was with falin #she was able to bring her back her magic did it!! but the violence the fatal swings was not falin at all. #just pondering about holding that guilt... it's such a huge responsibility to be in charge of life in the first place and yet it is #a burden she'll keep trudging with. defying the natural orders to keep the people she love alive... i Lauv her... #also shared sentiment with the rest of the fandom but God. Chimera Falin... she is Everything.... #ruporas art

[seagreenstardust]

When Katsuki Bakugo needed saving, Izuku came up with a plan where Todoroki, Iida, and Kirishima went rocketing across the sky to reach him.

When Izuku Midoriya needed saving, it was Katsuki, Todoroki, and Iida who went rocketing across the sky to reach him.

Both times, our Twin Stars decided to set their own needs aside and allow the other’s trusted friend to take the lead in bringing them home. Izuku knew Kirishima was the right choice to get Katsuki away from the league quickly and safely, and Katsuki knew Iida was the better man for the job of catching up to Izuku and bringing him back.

Can we please just take a moment to appreciate the parallels. Please.

#bkdk #bakudeku #mha #bnha #I was rewatching Deku vs Class 1A #(easily in my top three favorite eps btw) #(if not the top) #and the parallels slapped me in the face multiple times #Katsuki really is showing how he’s finally pulling even with Izuku emotionally #he’s been beaten over the head with Save to Win for literally the last two seasons of not longer #and his guilt for how he treated Izuku for years has been eating up at him #he has to bring Izuku back to UA and he has to apologize #but he let’s Iida take the spotlight #he recognizes he’s not the right person for what needs to be done so Katsuki helps Iida get there and let’s himself wait for his turn #he’s working as part of a team #he’s putting Deku’s needs first #and he’s determined to apologize for a lifetime of what he acknowledges at last were very bad and hurtful decisions #and we see it in how his rescue of Izuku parallels Izuku’s rescue of him #i can’t with these two I really can’t #twin stars but actually #wonder duo #happy ending when because I literally cannot accept anything else at this point

[luxrayz64]

like we were so fucking robbed of seeing perez in the wake of saw vs events I want to see her getting out of the hospital and flipping tables and pointing a gun in ericksons face after being told that strahm is the lead suspect. I want to see her having a breakdown after strahms fingerprints come back dead. I want to see her hand twitching over her gun everytime she sees hoffman. I want to see her fucking losing it and desperate to avenge her friend and partner and to clear his name. I want to see the thought process that lead to her inviting known serial killer mark hoffman to the basement lab just so she could torture him psychologically before she had a legitimate excuse to shoot him. I want to see more of her and I want to see how strahms death impacted her the way the reverse impacted him.

#lindsey perez lindsey perezzzzz #we did not see nearly enough of her #she was so overshadowed by strahm in iv and then didnt even get to be a main character in vi #she showed up. psychologically tortured hoffman. and then she died (again). #realistically she's way better at hiding her insanity so I think she wouldn't lose it nearly as bad as strahm did #but I want just one little moment where she's on her own and she fucking loses it #forced to let your boss tell your best friend you're dead. he goes missing. is declared a suspect. turns up dead. no body to bury #more of her pov on these events please. please. please. #it would be so sanity inducing cause she KNEW it was hoffman. her last words to strahm was hoffmans name #and she knew him so well.... she must've known strahm went after him in the wake of her 'death'. the fucking guilt she must have felt #espeon cries #saw #i am so so sick in the head about her today

[amaraudermind]

Anyone else ever thinking about the constant nightmares Dick was having at the beginning of his solo in the nineties(in which he was Robin again and trying to catch a little boy who’s face he could never make out and was always too late) that culminated in the fear gas induced hallucination issue wherein there’s another faceless young boy who eventually introduces himself as Jason

And the dreams were subsequently never brought up again

The closest we got was the hallucination he had in his secret files where he spent the whole time talking to Robin

Because I am. I am thinking about it a lot

#dc #dick grayson #jason todd #the amount that dick blames himself for jason's death while refusing to blame himself for it is astounding. #i think about it so often #because like. he is NOT like 'woe is me if i had only been there this never would've happened' he's not sitting here like #i killed jason. this is my fault. #in fact it's far from it. outwardly everything i've read from the nineties he refuses to think about or talk about jason at ALL #we get these weird isolated moments where the ghost of jason's presence is obviously HERE but even then dick isn't acknowledging it #'there's a boy falling. i never see his face. he's calling out. i never hear what he says.' #'this kid who brings the newspaper is just a kid. i don't know him.' #'i am talking to robin. just robin.' #everywhere you turn dick is surrounded by the idea of jason. he's haunted by him. #but he refuses to see it. he won't let it in #jason is gone and dick can't bring himself to think about it. won't let himself grieve. #lets the guilt he feels about not being around for jason and not knowing about what was going on and not being on the planet #and not letting himself think about the situation or jason at all. lets all of that guilt eat him slowly. lets it fester in his mind #because he can't acknowledge it. but everything he does is because of it

[kamariya]

i know the fandom loves to pretend that xie lian doesn't take care of himself but let's really think about it for a second. he doesn't have a penny to his name, he has no luck, no spiritual powers and no friends and family left in the mortal realm. how exactly should he take care of himself?

he eats food off the floor because it's better than going hungry. that's how many people in poverty live. he doesn't think twice before touching something that might poison him because when you don't receive medical attention for centuries, you're naturally going to adopt an "it is what it is" mentality about your health. he probably didn't get treated by a healer the first few times he got corpse poisoning because he didn't have enough (or any) money to pay them with. he's humble and ignores however which way he's slandered because what can he do? he's heard things like that and worse before.

800 years of poverty will teach anyone humility as well as strip them of it. 800 years of poverty and solitude can make anyone into a complete cynic, an abuser and/or worse.

but xie lian didnt break, not permanently. what jun wu put him through is nothing compared to what the world put him through. tell me this: is jun wu truly the real villain of the story? or is he a micro manifestation of all the other systematic issues in the TGCF universe, wrapped up into a shiny, evil package that's easier to hate, easier to digest and easier to fall for?

know that even though jun wu "set up" the fall of xianle, it was corruption and imperialism that truly brought the kingdom to its knees. know that teen xie lian truly fought for his people, be they patriots or rebels, and that the reason his efforts could never come to fruition was the corruption of the royals and the nobles.

in a world as systematically corrupt as that (much like our own), how easy do you think it would have been for a poor, homeless and friendless man to live a happy, fulfilling life (which he never lived)? and how much easier would it have been for him to gradually give away his morals and principles in favour of a better meal for once, for a better bed for the night? considering his martial skills and vast knowledge of cultivation, would it not have been easy for him to take a path like jun wu himself? like xue yang, even?

and do you think that xie lian did *not* do all these things just because he had "self-sacrificial" tendencies? after centuries of being only a little better than a beggar, do you think the reason he wants to help the common people is because he feels Rich Prince Guilt?

don't you think that the act of preserving oneself here, the act of not sacrificing onself for a cause, is actually whenever xie lian decides to keep following the path of justice, his Third Path? does self preservation only count when it's your body you're preserving, or your material wealth, or your name? surely your own principles matter more. surely you mean more than a fancy title on a tyrant's mouth.

place yourself in xie lian's shoes, and answer this: if you were to go through all that, even if you were to not become a horrible person, would have found and maintained the courage, time and time again, to keep being kind, to keep taking care of yourself, to not become heedlessly reckless, to not become a walking corpse with a noose (ruoye) wrapped around your neck?

in my opinion, xie lian is a hell of a lot positive for a man who's been through so much and never heard a "it's okay, you can rest now" once (until hua cheng came along, at least).

do you think xie lian doesn't feel bitterness towards lang qianqiu, who buried him with a stake through his heart for gods know how many years, because he just... hates himself? or do you think it's because he helped raise lang qianqiu since childhood and earned real respect and admiration from him, after so many years of being spat on, cursed and ultimately turned invisible? do you think he begged to be banished once again only because he felt guilty (although yes, he did feel very guilty) for the terrible fate that befell lqq's family, or because he also genuinely cares about what happens to his people --- he protected the xianle remnants by setting himself up as a cold-hearted murderer, and he protected lqq by refusing to fight him.

do you think that being so old and having seen so much, xie Lian can't tell danger when it's looking him in the eye? he's not stupid. he doesn't neglect his safety until and unless it's to protect someone he cares about. e.g., when he tried his level best to protect shi qingxuan during the Blackwater arc, knowing that he's fighting things and people beyond his control. my point: it didn't matter if he failed. he had to try, just like he tried with his kingdom, and the kingdom that came next. sqx was the first person after hua cheng to befriend and defend him in a long time, and he wanted to show him the same courtesy. can this be reduced to "self-sacrificing" tendencies or "playing the hero", too?

when xie lian stepped out of that bridal sedan, he knew he was playing with fire, but he's not stupid. if he hadn't stepped out, who is to say that crimson rain sought flower wouldn't have entered on his own, or dragged him out forcefully? xie lian isn't a "you only live once, let's make bad decisions" person. xie lian is a "no matter how many lives i live, i will not change" person.

#why do so many people think that xie lian is stupid or just trying to die when he does Literally Anything? #like i promise you people like him have existed and do exist IRL #real people do fight for humanity real people do fight for their loved ones #real people do fight for their fellow citizens ... people are capable of doing Good Things #without just being “people pleasers” #xie lian couldn't be further from a people pleaser ... that guy practises radical love and acceptance #that's the point !! that he cares for humanity in all its forms !! #and no I'm not saying that he doesn't struggle with guilt and self-acceptance at all #he def does!! we see him do that !! #but i dont think it's fair to reduce every good thing he does to him “compensating” for when he couldn't save his falling kingdom #tgcf #mxtx meta #tgcf meta #heaven official's blessing #天官赐福 #swan stuff #tian guan ci fu #xie lian #long post

[daftpatience]

one thing I have learned about being poor is that you cannot for a moment stop thinking about it

#theres no peace #every little thing reminds me we are poor #seeing friends having electricity wifi heat food gas. it all costs money. and bills and fees and charges happen all the damn time #im constantly worried that i am measing up somehow or im not keeping track of my finances properly #the person handling our disability assistance application keeps coming back with question after question about my job #and i have so much doubt and fear that ive made some mistake in my answers that will disqualify us from support #and theres this sick backwards stupid thing where applying for and being on disability support is discouraging me from trying to make money #because the more i make the less likely we'll get support but i need to make money to live #its just fucked. and once we're on support i have to make monthly reports of my income so ill feel like im explaining myself all the fuckin #time #cus the system isnt built in a way that makes sense for self employed ppl who have business expenses to account for #sorry for the ranting i cant sleep #truly truly i think poverty is making me a worse persin #more anxious more resentful more jealous more miserable more spiteful #i have so little and there is so little i can do to help it #i want things in a more desparate and even childish way than i used to eant things #spend a lot more time fantasizing about magically having expendable income #not to mention the constant exponential guilt that comes from asking for help or recieving help. its guilt i need to unlearn but i feel it

[chirpsythismorning]

S5 opener REAL

#byler #will byers #stranger things #every season besides s4-5 opens with non main characters #for el we got a flashback of the lab followed by her perspective in the scene directly after #and I think for Will we will see something similar #with us getting the flashback of him in castle byers in the UD #followed by him in the present in the scene after #but what exactly would warrant that memory being brought up in association with Will in the present? #mayhaps his connection to the mindflayer and the UD run deeper than we realize… #it’s likely not something he could just rid himself of in s2 and now he’s all good #he literally still feels a connection to everything he is feeling #that means he is still technically at risk of being the spy in some capacity #the massacre at Hawkins lab also was a guiding force for El discovering the ‘truth’ in s4 #so it’s likely for Will this instance will operate in a way that re-contextualizes the events in the past up to now #like that time Will suggested they go to the hospital in s3 only for the flayed to be waiting for them #or how flayed Billy knew they were at the cabin… #all while Will was looking cryptic as hell in that scene watching over el #or the fact that he picked Billy in the first place the season after he focused on Will… #you know.. williams #I think the easiest way to introduce the castle Byers flashback is a dream honestly #specifically a dream within a dream #seeing that recent leak and Will looking like either he has a black or hasn’t slept in days #is giving very much ‘I am afraid to sleep bc I’m scared of what will happen’ #I think dude is not exactly possessed in the sense that we already saw in s2 with like the particicles #but he’s still vulnerable #the door is still ajar… #no but fr this idea of opening a door in your mind was so blatant in st2 AND s3b of teen wolf #I think a big part of it will be guilting Will over the fact that Will has helped him before without Will telling the others #hence his weird vibe in s3… like he’s already successfully fucked with Will post s2 potentially with us being none the wiser aka here we go

[suntails]

I’m going to paint you a picture of modern communication, and how it is fundamentally broken.

Let’s look at one friend. You chat pretty much everyday, and mostly talk to this person on twitter and discord, with occasional tumblr DMs. That’s three places you talk. But that’s actually not true, because you also have each other’s priv twitters and talk there as well. That’s four. Now account for, let’s say, one post reply per account per person, in addition to your DMs. That’s eight. But that’s ALSO not true, because not only do you talk in discord DMs with each other, but you’re in a friend group server as well! And you talk in those channels together! That’s nine.

This is one friend.

Now look around you. How many friends, how many mutuals are you in contact with. A few, a handful, a dozen, more? How many accounts per person do you have, how many places can you send each other posts, devolve into separate topics and conversations? How many people text you as well. Friends, family, coworkers? What do you do day to day around catching up, what IRL commitments will rip you away long enough to let the pile build again?

I can’t do it. I cannot live an actual life in the real world and balance this much interaction, it’s crushing. I reply to a friend’s post because I’m interested in the subject, I want to have a discussion! I WANT to talk about it with them, but I immediately kick myself for adding another conversation to the pile. Day by day, I ignore messages for hours on end and watch mountains pile around me, to reply en masse at the end of the night to let the cycle repeat. I wake up to six discord DMs and as I clear the third, the first replies back again.

We weren’t meant to have thirty simultaneous conversations. We weren’t. And you know in your bones that the number isn’t an exaggeration.

#hush catríona #this is essentially copy pasted from my twt last week but made a touch more coherent #iiiii spiral about this pretty regularly. i think this is the 4th or 5th time ive gone on this spiel bc its agonizing #i feel horrific guilt for ignoring messages for so long. and its absolutely voluntary. but i cant FUNCTION like this i cant DO it #i have friends where we talk Every Single Day and i LOVE them so much. so unfathomably much. but it KILLS me #hell take my roomie for example. one of my fav ppl in the world. we text- twit dm- discord dm- ig dm- reply to posts. thats five right? #i guess!!! but we also LIVE TOGETHER. i see them in real life and talk to them out loud with my voice and its still this much to add on!!!! #and i feel like nobody else talks abt this shit and it makes me feel crazy. am i the only person completely debilitated by this??? #i dont want this to come across as like ‘boohoo we get it ur sooo popular’ that is NOT what this post means #i think a lot of ppl big acct or small. fandom or otherwise. talk to a dozen ppl online. and i dont get how anyone copes #this is agony. and every single time i ever make a post? its another opportunity to add to the pile #i only reply to comments on posts on twt and this is why. i cant DO it i cant keep up. i see every tag and im so grateful but i cant ever #reach out. i cant add to the pile. theyre already taller than me

[spacedlexi]

the way the ericson group were at the outbreak just a bunch of troubled kids who made various mistakes or committed crimes and were judged by a system that punished and abandoned them instead of giving them the support and love they needed, are then nearly a decade later put into a situation where now they must judge a troubled child for the mistakes and crimes hes committed against them. and 5 to 3 vote them out 😭

#twdg #i love the way s4 connects back to lees whole 'murderer' thing back in s1 😭 guilt...atonement.....systems of punishment #i love thinking about s1>s4 themes and crying #anyway this is partially why i hate when i see the ericson cast reduced down to 'just some teens' its so much more than that #them being abandoned in a boarding school for troubled kids is SO IMPORTANT its not 'just some school' #anyway its also probably why theyre my favorite cast #theyre literally one of if not the most mature group of the series even while being a bunch of kids who make choices i dont agree with #because they actually love and care about each other. even when theyre mad. because theyre all they have left #i do think the vote was a fair way to handle it even tho i still ultimately find it cruel. they couldve talked it out #but this is still a story that needs conflict to resolve so is what it is #they would rather they leave than have to face their confused feelings. the most immature thing they do. but understandable #they did such a good job crafting that cast for clem GOD an entire ensemble built around her and aj....delicious #zombie/post apoc media about love and community my beloved 😭 #sorry but get tf out of here with that 'humans are evil and everyone dies' lame ass bullshit we are nothing without community #the amount of love pouring out of s4 is like getting my ass kicked but then they give me a big hug and kiss after and send me on my way #s4 my absolute beloved i really love it more and more every time. so much to appreciate even with it the way it is #the themes bro the themes........ the connections between seasons 1 and 4 you are everything to me #it speaks

[fizzytoo]

made a bottoms (movie)/“fight club” inspired oc :D —leah dawn (she/her, 21, physics major) joined her university's "secret" self-defense (fight) club to impress girls and get pussy 😞

#ts4 #sims 4 #ts4 cas #show us your sims #*fizzysims #oc: leah dawn #bc apparently she's not getting any bitches in the physics department #and everybody thinks she's straight 😞 #she can’t fight either 😞 she gets her ass tore up takes silly little selfies then guilts her friends into taking her for ice cream #not too much on my girl’s big ass forehead ✊🏽 #idk when im gonna see the bottoms movie so idk the dynamics of the fight club so dont come for me for including random ass details 🫵🏽 #i just wanted an excuse to make a lesbian oc that’s in a fight club but doesn’t look like she’s in a fight club #y’all think she’s getting pussy? LMAOAJSJSHSH #we need more people in this fight club :D hint hint wink wink #i already have some more ideas for different members maybe antagonists 👀 (enemies to lovers 👀) #anyway this was fun. i’m not rlly sure about the white cas bg WHEW bright as hell and not great for white clothes swatches #ik the bottoms movie is set in a high school but i’m not doing that 💀 i’m grown #blood #cw blood

[drunkenlion]

Here’s more of my ramblings about Trimax Vash. Can we talk about how in really conservative Japan in the 90s was created the character of Vash? Vash who openly weeps, grieves, softly smiles, consoles, empathises and sympathises, stubbornly stands up and refuses to answer to violence with violence? I know he’s literally an anime Jesus, but if we water it down to just a character in a medium, he’s really unique. Especially for a 90s shonen manga?  All I’m trying to say that he’s the original cinnamon bun and babygirl of all times okay? And I love him so much, I don’t think I’ll ever find the words in any language I know to describe it. Also, here’s a dump of the cute Vashies’ screenshots I took while reading Tristamp from beginning to end. Love and peace to everyone. 

#Trimax #Trigun #Trigun stampede #Vash the Stampede #Vash #Can we just agree that he's angelic? #He's my one and only babygirl #And can we all appreciate how Nightow magestically drew all his emotions? #You can see it all in his eyes #All the pain and guilt he bares #And love? #And grief? #And this tiredness? #UGH i feel so many feels now

[saturnniidae]

'To Catch a Changeling' was the first episode where Jim actually kills someone (not counting goblins), and I've always wished there had been some kind of focus on the moral ramifications he experienced because of that.

Because there's no way he just went from being unable to kill a gnome, a creature considered a common pest, to killing a person with no afterthoughts other than: "oh man! I killed our only evidence of changelings in arcadia!"

Though I guess he could've just been doing a shit ton of compartmentalizing as well as justifying it to himself with the fact she was going to kill both him and Toby. But still, there's no way he didn't feel at least somewhat guilty.

#despite the fact he quickly learns to see trolls as people rather than 'creatures' #i feel like theres definitely a mental dissonance when it comes to killing them #because it's opponents that either explode into dust or turn to stone and crumble upon death #conpared to human deaths which are much messier #and much more traumatizing to a child than #again #opponents that literally turn into statues and crumble #but still I'm having a hard time believing he just killed that changeling lady and immediately moved on #without any kind of lingering guilt #tales of arcadia #wish we got to see the mental toll being trollhunter had on jim more in general #there is no way this kid isn't severely traumatized #but thats what fanfictions for ig #trollhunters #jim lake jr #also this is going off memory so i might be wrong abt her being his first kill #Moth.txt

[transmascutena]

thinking about how akio sees his younger self in utena and wondering if there's any fondness there. doesn't change the horror of what he does to her obviously but i do wonder

#akio and utena #m #long ramble in the tags sorry: #the thing about akio is that he's so evil bit he's also so human #he has feelings. i just don't know what they are (if anything) toward his victims #he loves anthy at the very least i'm sure of that. even if he hates her too. just like she loves and hates him. the lines are blurry. #and i just. i have to wonder whether any of that extends to utena at all. we know anthy at times feels similarly about utena and dios #(and akio by extension.) the simultanious love and resentment. so it's not too unlikely i think. #like. even though he never had anything but bad intentions in getting close to her #i'm not sure it's possible to do everything he did and feel nothing #not that he has any meaningful amount of guilt or remorse for it. i don't think that. #and i obviously don't think he “loved” her in any of the ways she might have thought he did #but did he not care at all? did he not feel any kind of fondness or sympathy or just. idk. pity? for her? #whatever the case it wasn't enough to reconsider having her killed so you know. how much does that actually matter anyway #idk. i think about it a lot. how abusers are rarely entirely indifferent toward their victims #the role he's playing in her life is so fucked up but it IS a role he's playing and i wonder how much he you know... internalizes it? #how much does he believe the illusion of family that he invites her into? because akio DOES often buy into his own illusions. #(similarly i think it's possible that akio is fond of touga too. their mentor-protégé relationship is horrible and abusive #but that doesn't make it less real. you know? maybe real is the wrong word.) #when he talks in episode 25 about wanting utena and anthy closer that's obviously so he can continue to groom her #but is there something genuine there too? i don't know. #again. it obviously does not make anything he does better or even different. but it is interesting to think about to me. #on the other side of that coin does seeing his own past youth and naivete and desire to do good that he (maybe) once had #reflected back at him through her mean anything? #is there resentment there? that she is what he couldn't be? or more likely he just thinks that idealism is stupid. #either way it's something he wants to take from her. anyway ramble over. #i talk a lot about utena's feelings toward akio (familial vs romantic love and the way the two are intertwined in fucked up ways) #but not much the other way around. probably because utena is actually a sympathetic character whose feelings the show very clearly #wants you to analyze and think about. #which is... less true for akio i think. though he's still a complex character with complex motives. he's just harder to get a grasp on.

[fallen-goldfishcracker]

hey fallen, what moment lives rent free in your brain? thanks for asking, i'll tell you!

we see very clearly that the collector doesn't see grimwalkers as people, this is expected, at this point I don't know if they see anyone as people.

but what i find fascinating is how Belos sees the grimwalkers. i'd always kinda assumed he didn't see them as people either (something something dehumanization and cycles of abuse and making so many he eventually stops caring about them even in his own, twisted way), but that isn't exactly true.

the collector calls them "those things".

Belos calls them "him".

in a way, i wasn't wrong. Belos doesn't see them as people, he sees them as a person. specifically, Caleb.

Belos has seen every single grimwalker as an extension of Caleb, not as their own people with individual thoughts and ideas and personalities.

yea it uh. messes me up a little.

#Sorry if this has been said already Imma a bit new to this fandom #Do you ever think that maybe that's why Belos can do callously kill and dispose of his grimwalkers so easily #because I mean we know him killing Caleb messed him up a little bit #But maybe he never really confronted or dealt with the guilt of killing him #Because he immediately went and made the grimwalkers #And if he sees them all as Caleb #Maybe he's never confronted the fact that Caleb is dead #And he just keeps making and killing them in an endless cycle of avoidance #I have brainworms about this concept don't talk to me Im foaming at the mouth #the owl house #toh hunter #emperor belos #phillip wittebane #toh #the collector #grimwalkers #Belos