#so yeah love having big denial moments only to prove myself wrong at the same time LMAO

[bthump]

I know this is very nitpicky, but what do you think is the level of awareness Griffith has during the stairwell scene? For a very calculated and rational guy like him, it's hard to imagine that he hasn't even tried to decipher where these strong reckless reactions come from. I mean... even king of denial Guts has reflected a bit on it. Enough to ask Griffith about it. I know yoy mentioned in a recent answer to an ask, that you don't headcanon Griffith as pining, so would you say that you (cont)

Would you say that you imagine that he compartimentalizes his thougts and represses to the point that he doesn't aknowledge at least to a certain extent, that his feeling for Guts are more passionate, than what he feels for other comerades. The fact that he fully realises the depth of those feelings once Guts leaves is clear. But Idk the stairwell scene makes me think that he is at least aware, that he has a bit of a crush, but choses to not give it much importance. Curious about your thoughts 

hmmm. okay first off I just want to say that I can see multiple possibilities, from full on repression and denial, to recognizing his attraction but not acting on it, to knowing he cares for Guts and wants him as a True Friend(TM) but often downplaying that because he believes Guts sees him mainly as a superior officer. But yeah I do prefer the denial and compartmentalization explanation and I want to go into why, because I think it’s fun to talk about lol.

So the big reason I read Griffith as refusing to acknowledge his feelings to himself is because that’s how he deals with all his other inconvenient feelings, like his guilt and fear and the fact that he cares about the Hawks. Like eg when he tells Gennon that he doesn’t feel a single emotion about him whatsoever, or when he tells Casca that he doesn’t feel guilty over the deaths of the Hawks, I don’t think he’s just lying to them, I think he’s convincing himself too, to the point where he really believes it.

It’s sort of hard to explain how I see this working in Griffith’s head bc it feels v intuitive to me but I know that’s not the case for everyone. So yk it’s not that I think he like, eg makes himself forget that he nearly had a breakdown in a river, but I think he doesn’t ask himself why he nearly had a breakdown beyond maybe a shallow ‘sex with gennon was unpleasant and made me uncomfortable for a couple hours but i’m completely fine now’ and doesn’t think about it afterwards if he can help it.

And when he tells Charlotte he doesn’t have any friends and tells Guts he belongs to him during the second duel, I think he’s telling himself lies/rationalizations he genuinely believes there too. In fact, I think his denial of his own feelings is straight up meant to be his tragic flaw, which is why he’s only able to finally acknowledge them in the torture chamber, after it’s caused his downfall.

In the torture chamber we see him remember the face-off with Zodd and acknowledge that it was an irrational thing to do and wonder why Guts is so important to him, and I think part of the reason the monologue works so well is because it’s the first time we see that kind of self-reflection sans lofty rationalization from him, because before he ended up trapped in his own brain for a year with nothing to distract himself in between bouts of torture he didn’t really ask himself these kinds of questions. If he had, things probably would’ve gone better for everyone.

And like, I don’t think this makes Griffith less intelligent, or negates his rationality in other areas of life. I don’t see a contradiction in someone being able to analyze a battlefield or read other people well but avoiding genuine soul searching whenever possible and lying to himself a lot. I think it’s actually pretty realistic - I don’t think very many people fully understand themselves or their feelings, even really self-reflective people, and it’s very easy to rationalize away inconvenient cognitive dissonance. and I include myself in that lol.

Griffith’s life is kind of a contradiction that would really fuck him up to untangle (he sends people to their deaths to achieve a dream for the sake of assuaging his guilt for sending people to their deaths to achieve a dream), so he doesn’t try to untangle it, he avoids the question and hides behind a philosophical ideal. And his feelings for Guts add to that cognitive dissonance because if he values Guts over the dream, that kind of proves his entire defensive life philosophy is bullshit and his whole life plan is built on a precarious house of cards, so it makes sense to me that he’d avoid examining those feelings closely too.

And you can look at Guts too, who does navelgaze a lot and tries to analyze his own feelings and motivations - when he’s faced with a contradiction (I want to become independent of Griffith and do my own thing solely to gain Griffith’s approval) he actually notices it and briefly questions himself... and then he still puts it out of his mind and continues pursuing his contradictory goal anyway, and manages to stay in denial for 3 days even after learning that Griffith ended up in a torture chamber because he left.

Along those same lines, Guts eg realizes that he kills things because it makes him feel better but he doesn’t make the connection between his irrational urge to fight powerful enemies and his childhood trauma the way the readers can, the King didn’t acknowledge his incesty feelings til Griffith shoved them in his face, Count Slug kept denying having human feelings til Puck went on a tirade against him and he couldn’t sacrifice his daughter, Casca lies to herself about her feelings for Griffith for a long time before finally acknowledging she’s in love and then doubles down on her Griffith feelings when her newer feelings for Guts threaten them until she has a breakdown and admits some things to herself (I mean I find that last one disappointing lol, but it’s also a really straightforward example of someone living in denial of romantic feelings and therefore a good comparison point to show that Miura does this on purpose), etc. So I think this interpretation of Griffith is also consistent with how Miura just like, tends to write people.

Like imo Griffith has moments where he comes close to self awareness and could’ve started potentially reflecting on his feelings and coming to better, more accurate conclusions, and those moments definitely include the Zodd conversation (as well as the river scene with Casca, and “do you think I’m cruel?”) but none of those scenes lead to useful self-reflection because they all go wrong. Casca tries but fails to reassure him bc she’s out of her depth, Guts reminds him of his dream, the King interrupts their conversation and Charlotte reorients Griffith towards his goal so he can move on from that moment of irrationality and refrain from thinking about it further for a while. Even after the duel Griffith tries to avoid self-reflection by fucking Charlotte imo (”take all the sad and frightening things and cast them into the fire” ie hey girl wanna repress some shit w/ me?), and imo his previous ability to do that makes it all the more impactful when it doesn’t work this time and he breaks down.

BUT YEAH all that said I don’t think this is the only reasonable reading of Griffith’s awareness of his feelings lol, it’s just the one I like best and consider the most satisfying and interesting and fun to think about. And honestly that’s partly because I love dramatic irony and have a real thing for characters who lie to themselves, so I’m biased in favour of it too. Nothing about Griffith being good at denial contradicts the idea that he could still be aware of an attraction to Guts (in that case he’d probably just write it off as irrelevant and deny the associated internalized-homophobia-related self-loathing lol until it all pours out while he’s projecting at the King), and he could eg be aware that he irrationally cares about Guts above and beyond anyone else and just doesn’t even try to reconcile that with his dream, ie compartmentalization in another way.

But I think the idea that he only fully admits it to himself in the torture chamber is just very narratively satisfying.

#Anonymous #ask #griffguts #ty for the question and giving me an opportunity to go on about this #a #b #character: griffith #theme: coping mechanisms #theme: repression #ship: griffguts #headcanons #character thoughts #arc: ga

[minimitchell]

callumhighwayweek day 6 - “I’m glad I met you.” (ao3 link)

.

“Ben, can you please sit down? You’re making me nervous.”

Callum watches Ben heave out a heavy breath, letting himself fall into the chair next to him. The seats they’re in are incredibly uncomfortable and sitting in them for longer periods of time makes his butt go all numb so he could use a walkabout himself, but he also doesn’t want Ben to get even more nervous than they both already are.

They’ve been here for hours now. So long that Callum has memorized every single little detail of the room by now. He can point out every crack in the walls, every pamphlet that’s a little too crooked in the display case on the far wall, can tell you all about the way the big clock’s minute hand stops right before the twelve and then has to rush to catch up again.

The baby pink of the walls around them doesn’t prove to be quite as soothing as he thinks the NHS would’ve hoped it would be, and as soon as Ben’s back in his seat, he starts shaking his leg up and down in nervous anticipation.

When they first got here nearly four hours ago, they had thought it wouldn’t be a long wait. After an hour with no new developments, Callum got up to get them both some coffee, what with it nearing one in the morning at that point. It tasted like shit but at least they felt marginally more awake afterwards.

It’s more the nerves keeping them awake anyways. The uncertainty is hard to wade through and now, after three more hours of complete standstill, Ben’s nerves are completely fried. To an outsider Callum is probably looking much calmer than Ben is but that really isn’t the case at all. He keeps wringing his hands together, twisting and turning the white gold band sitting on his left ring finger.

At first, they kept having to send texts to the few family members that decided to stay up with them. But as the clock passed two in the morning, Ben told his mum to go to bed with the promise that they’d call if they had any news.

Callum is beginning to think they could still be hours away from that though.

“God, I hate waiting. Not knowing what’s happening, it’s driving me insane.”

Callum reaches over to lay one of his hands on Ben’s knee, stilling the bouncing with one well-placed touch. He’s so incredibly thankful he’s had Ben next to him these last few months but right now his husband does nothing to calm Callum’s own nerves.

He’d even go as far as saying he wouldn’t have made it without him but he knows the same goes for Ben. Thank god they had each other through it all; always alternating between who’s the nervous one and who’s calming the other.

“I know, babe. You’re the most impatient person I know. And that includes Lexi.”

It’s definitely true. Ben’s never been good at the whole patience and waiting on things aspect of life but it’s not like they were able to speed things up with this whether they wanted to or not; bound to a mixture of science and nature from start to finish.

He’s gotten better over the years though. Callum likes to think him and Lexi have done wonders in smoothing out many of Ben’s rougher edges and he’s definitely better than he was years ago when they met - in almost every aspect of his life.

As is Callum, needless to say.

“At least we know she’s alright. They’d tell us if something was wrong, right?”

“Of course they would.”

Callum didn’t think he’d be this nervous when the time finally came but the second they got the phone call last night he’d started panicking. They might’ve had over six months to actively prepare for this moment but now that it’s actually happening, it’s even scarier than Callum ever imagined it would be.

Because this is about his baby, their baby, being born a few rooms away from here.

They had started talking about it a little after getting married and moving into their own place. Callum loves the little family of three they had before they decided to have another kid, but he couldn’t stop the wish of his own child with Ben slowly brewing in his chest. It kept festering until he just blurted it out one day at lunch, much to Ben’s surprise.

After that, it was mostly about figuring out if they can afford it, about what their options are and whether they feel ready to have a baby. It wasn’t an easy journey but now, over one and a half years later, they’re finally here; finally about to meet their little girl.

Ben tangles their fingers together on his thigh, squeezing Callum’s hand in his. It’s his own personal way of letting Callum know he needs him right now, so he pulls Ben into his chest, letting him tuck his head under Callum’s chin. His free hand comes to rest on Callum’s stomach, gripping the hoodie he’s thrown on before they drove to the hospital.

“Bit mad, innit. That we got here, how we got here.”

It brings a smile to his lips, because it really is a bit mad. How they went from being at each other’s throat to happily married. How Callum went from being so deeply closeted to expecting a baby with his husband. It’s crazy to think how much his life has changed since he moved to Walford - and that’s mostly down to the man right next to him.

“Hm. I wouldn’t have believed it when we first kissed.”

Internalized homophobia and denial aside, Callum doesn’t think he would’ve ever thought Ben Mitchell was the type to settle down and get married. And Callum wouldn’t have thought he would settle down with Ben either, not at that time at least, but here they both are. Ben likes to call it a happy coincidence but to Callum it’s nothing less than fate.

“Some night that was, eh.”

“First night I felt really free.”

Ben shifts under him, turning his head so he can look up into Callum’s eyes, face soft and eyes gentle as he regards Callum. They’ve talked a lot about that night during the course of their relationship. About what it meant for them respectively, how it basically kickstarted Callum’s coming out, how it was the start of Ben slowly falling for him.

They don’t need to hash it out again but it’s always nice to remember how much that night meant to both of them; how much it still means even after years of making memories together.

“You freed me too. Saved me from myself, didn’t you.”

Ben’s finger keeps running over the cold metal of Callum’s ring, gliding from left to right and back again. Callum has noticed him doing that a lot, when they’re laying in bed at night or lounging on the couch in front of the TV, their hands tangled together and fingers dancing over each other’s skin almost absentmindedly.

The meaning behind the gesture makes him emotional every time he sees Ben doing it. It almost feels like Ben does it to remind himself that this is real; that they’re joined for life because they truly love each other.

Suddenly, it becomes the most important thing to let Ben know he does.

“Love you.”

Ben’s expression softens even further, leaning up a little to press a soft, chaste kiss to Callum’s lips. Callum runs his forefinger over the soft skin of Ben’s throat and up his chin, dropping his hand again when Ben leans back down.

It still knocks Callum for six to know that Ben is his; that he gets to share his life with this man, have a family with him and make him happy every single day of their life. He’s been supportive of every choice Callum makes and it hasn’t been any different with this.

There were a lot of nights sleep hadn’t found Callum because he was too busy worrying about being a dad to a newborn baby. He hadn’t come into Lexi’s life until she was already her own little person, how could they be sure he won’t mess their kid up. Ben had heard him out each and every time though, had reassured him that he was a natural dad and promised him they would figure this all out together.

It’s only because of Ben he feels ready to be here.

Ready to finally hold his baby girl in his arms.

“You can take a quick nap if you want. I’ll wake you if anything happens.”

As if on cue, a tired yawn claws itself out of Ben’s mouth and he drops his head back down onto Callum’s chest, nose buried in the soft, grey fabric of Callum’s hoodie. It’s past four o’clock now and they haven’t slept a bit since getting up for work yesterday morning, but he also knows that Ben is as stubborn as ever and there’s no way he’ll go to sleep now - not when they’re waiting with bated breath for their baby.

“Don’t wanna. Just wanna see our baby. I wanna know if she has your cute nose and your pretty dimples. God, I hope she has your eyes.”

“I hope she has yours. Hopefully your ears as well.”

Their laughter is barely audible in the waiting room, just soft huffs shared in the little space between them. They didn’t want to know who the biological father is going to be; it didn’t matter to them. Besides, speculating is too much fun anyway. And really, as long as their baby is happy and healthy, it doesn’t matter to them.

“I’m glad I met you. I’m glad we can sit here today, even if we’re both dead tired, and wait for our baby to be born. Glad we got here in the end.”

He can feel Ben press a kiss to his chest, squeezing the hands still linked together on Ben’s thigh to let Callum know he feels the same way. They don’t need words, they never did.

“Mr. and Mr. Mitchell?”

They look over at the nurse at the same time, Ben’s head darting up from Callum’s chest and straightening his back. The woman has a kind smile on her face and just seeing her after the many hours of waiting they’ve done already, calms something in Callum’s stomach.

“Yeah?”

“Are you ready to meet your new baby?”

The big smile on her face must be mirrored on both his and Ben’s as well and she waits for them to get up from their seats before she beckons them to follow her down the corridor. Callum sees Ben blow out a deep breath beside him and he reaches his hand back out to him, smiling when their hands clasp back together like two magnets finding one another.

He can feel his heart hammering inside his chest, the nervousness coming back to him full force all of a sudden, but he knows it’s going to be alright as long as Ben is by his side.

It always is.

#chweek2021 #callumhighwayweek2021 #ballum fic #my writing #apparently day 6 is future family fic day with these prompts for me

[bitchiha]

may i request kiba nsfw headcanons and kakashi smut also ily lizzie mwah :33

Kiba NSFW HC’s

A/N: ily too anon!! So this is obv the Kiba NSFW and I’m currently working on a Kakashi smut. Also I combined this request with another one which was asking for Kiba w a biting / marking kink and I think that’s pretty spot on for him so I’ll just add that here as well!

I DID NOT PROOFREAD SO IM SORRY IF THERE IS ERRORS I JUST NEED TO POST SOMETHING LOL

Okay first things first, Kiba does not know how to be gentle.. like this fucker will really try okay, like he’ll try and kiss you softly, but it just gets him all flustered and before you know it your lips are bruised again. Same thing with sex like omfg he tries to make it savoury but his instincts just kick in and now you’re all bruised on the inside. He feels so bad afterwards, but you kind of like it and he can’t help it.

He’s a possessive little shit sometimes too. Like one time when you came home you smelled like Naruto and it got Kiba so pissed off lol. He’s like, “where’ve you been?” And you tell him you went to get ramen with Naruto and he’s being too pissy about it, which just leads to him fucking Narutos scent off of you and a shir ton of hickeys. That drive just makes his thrusts 10 times more aggressive and like you’re so worn out after because like I said, he cannot be gentle with regular sex so imagine just imagine the jealous sex..

Because he’s so possessive he always leaves marks on you. Like if you’re not marked up after a good fucking is that really Kiba laying next to you?

His favourite spot to leave marks is on your thighs. Likes when you wear skirts and you move your legs a certain direction, accidentally letting a few hickeys peek out. He gets a kick out of watching your flustered face as you desperately try and cover them.

When he’s eating you out, leading up to it he does a real good number on your thighs. They’re so soft and squishy and he’s biting them and sucking and licking and just he loses track of time, but your whimpers always snap him out of it. Then he gets down to business. He does the same thing with your tits and sometimes you have to claw at him to stop because it’s way too stimulating. He can’t be gentle so he’s sucking and biting down on your nipples like there is no tomorrow. PLUS!! He’s really good at massages so if your tits are sore afterwards he’ll make sure to rub them real nice for you.

Also like.. after he’s already did a number on your chest and you’re going at it again (like literally the next day because Kibas libido is >>>>) wear a lacey bra. His head will explode. He will go feral. Like He goes to lift your shirt off your head and then he has to pause at the sight of your tits because wow. They’re covered by this really fucking hot lacey white bra and hes drooling over how it contrasts with the purple and red marks he left all over you.. yah he’s a goner <3

As much as Kiba loves lingère on you, you don’t wear it for him very often. This is strictly because he always ruins the pieces. Once you wore this really cute matching set of a purple bra and panties and kiba ribbed the panties off you. Like straight up ripped them off you. In the moment you didn’t care because right after he ripped them off his dick was fucking you senseless, but the next morning you were pissed. He even managed to shred up the back of your bra. Like he just got irritated with the clasp and scratched it off you.

He doesn’t think it’s a big deal, lingère is hot and it’s meant to be ripped off you, right? Plus you can always buy a new set.. but when you show him the price tag after you’ve dug it out of the garbage his eyes pop out of his head. Who knew that small amount of fabric could cost so much??

Jealous sex is always the best. He just gets so worked up and he can go on for hours. If you piss him off enough he’ll be into orgasm denial, but for the most part he’s trying to show you how much better he is than whoever you tried to provoke him with, so he’ll try and make you cum as much as possible.

Anyway, I think Kibas loud in bed. I mean like I think he’s just the type to not care how loud he is?? Like he’s just horny and the only thing he’s thinking about is you. He wants to make sure that you’re loud too though. Don’t hold them back girl, let him hear it. Or don’t and he’ll try like 100 times harder to make you moan.

He groans a lot, but he also says dirty shit too and like I don’t think he even cares how dirty it is. Also he has a thing for claiming too, so expect a lot of talk with regards to that. “Taking by dick so well baby, so eager for me to claim you?” “You’re all mine.”

Uhm tbh I think you could just lay down forever and let Kiba just go at it.. like he just has so much energy that he doesn’t mind expelling it onto you. Of course he wouldn’t mind if you returned the favour every so often. Like don’t get me wrong he loves getting his dick sucked. More than most boys do.. and he also likes if you want to ride him too. Riding him is the best treat ever, bonus if you wanna dig your nails into his shoulders or chest. But for the most part he doesn’t mind doing majority of the work. He likes going down on you or just treating you because he gets so excited at the noises you make.

Kibas an ass and tits man. You cannot and will not change my mind. He likes cumming on them too LMFAOO. Like ok he likes cumming in you a lot — he has a breeding kink, but if you’re not into it or he’s not in the mood he’ll just let his load off on your tits. It doesn’t matter if he’s hitting from the back because he’ll just flip you over and finish himself off. Your ass works too though. You’ll scold him for doing it sometimes because he likes to make sure it’s all over your tits or your ass, but he’ll just shrug at your scolding and give you a smirk.

Okay back to the breeding kink omg.. let me collect myself for a second here.. Kiba is a dirty talker okay, but when he’s really getting into his breeding kink his dirty talk turns kinda soft?? “Look how pretty you are all filled up.” “You’re so gorgeous like this, so ready to have my kids.” I mean.. That’s pretty fucking nice man, I feel like he may also manage to be a tad bit gentle when he’s getting into the whole breeding thing, just because the idea of you having his kids makes him soft, but it just depends on his mood tbh. Sometimes he just flips a switch and just goes for hours like he’s on some next feral bullshit and other times he takes it a little slower.

I don’t think this really makes sense and I don’t really have much to go off of to prove this point but.. I think he’d be good at aftercare? Like he would always have to shower you in complinments after, please give him some too, “that was great babe, you did really good, so good.” Then he’ll help you clean up. He ALWAYS and I mean ALWAYS, gets you a glass of water after sex. Probably drinks it halfway back to the bedroom and has to go and fill it up again, but the effort is what counts.

Uhm aftercare got me thinking of showers and now I think that he would also like shower sex. It’s kinda like what I said about kakashi in my NSFW headcanons for him, but I think Kiba would want to do it with you anywhere in your apartment: in the shower, on the bathroom sink, on the dinner table (WITH the dinner on it), on the coffee table, the couch... and do I really need to continue this? I think you all get it. It just ties into his claiming thing.

So when your friends are over and you’re eating snacks on the couch with pizza on the coffee table, it kinda makes him smirk because he’s like.. we did it on that coffee table lol

Also when either of you come home from mission, expect Kiba is gonna wanna fuck immediately. Like he’s not even halfway through the door but he’s taking his shirt off and telling you to do the same.

OKAY BUT HIS ORGASM FACE —

Ugh. Magnificent. Exquisite. Delectable. Like if he’s laying down, his head is titling back on the pillows, if he’s ontop his head is tilting down and all his fair falls in his face. He definitely squeezes his eyes shut and makes a little hissing sound, plus, he curses after. “Fuck, yeah right th-there.” “Shit, b-babe, I’m cumming.” Yes I believe he stutters when he cums. Don’t try me <3 AND ITS CUTE TOO. Okay also his mouth will fall open a little and it’s super hot because you can see his little canines peeking out.

This man

This man...

I am whore knee for this man.

#naruto shippuden #naruto #naruto headcanons #naruto imagines #naruto x reader #kiba x reader #kiba inuzuka #kiba inuzuka x reader #kiba headcanons

[angelsfalling16]

okay okay i can’t think of anything specific but like hurt comfort for deniall? i can never get enough of that ship and i really like the idea of that trope for them!! like something where devs upset about all the attention baz has ever gotten and how he feels like such a background character in life and nialls like ohhoho how would you feel if i told you i’ve been in l or with you since we were like 10. idk just spit balling anything you want to do tbh i love all ur work so!!!

a/n: As soon as I saw this ask, the ideas started turning in my mind, and I really liked the idea that you had, so I ran with it. I love writing deniall fics because it allows me to write different types of stories, which is really interesting. Thanks so much for Sending me this prompt, Nonnie!! I hope you like it! :) The title is from the song Story of Us by Taylor Swift

Read it on ao3

***

Niall

Dev is having a meltdown. Like a full on lying on the floor with moody music blasting through the speakers meltdown. This isn’t the first time he’s acted like this, and the fact that he didn’t come find me to tell me what’s wrong means it can’t be too bad, so I decide to ignore him for the moment until he’s ready to talk.

He reminds me so much of Baz in the way of his dramatics at this moment, but if this were Baz, I would be backing way off for fear of being burnt to a crisp for the sole reason of being in the same room as him. Dev on the other hand is all bark and no bite. It's kind of adorable.

I move around the room, pulling books from my school bag and tidying the room a bit, pretending not to notice the boy lying in the middle of the floor or the fact that I think my ears might be bleeding from the volume of this music.

I’m walking over to pick up a stray shirt on the floor when Dev grabs my ankle, nearly causing me to fall flat on my face.

I sigh. "Alright. What gives, Dev?"

"Did you know that Baz is older than me?" He mumbles into the carpet, and I briefly wonder when the last time was that we thought to vacuum in here.

"What?" I ask, wondering what this has to do with him lying on the floor.

"Yeah. By three months. For three months, I was the only grandchild, the only nephew. I was beloved by everyone. Then Baz came into the world and all of that went away."

"Uhh..." I say, still not seeing the point. "There's no way you even remember those three months."

"No but it’s still true."

"Okay?" I say slowly. Where the hell is he going with this?

He rolls over on his back but dramatically throws an arm over his face so that I can’t really make out his expression. I’m not sure whether he’s being serious or just really melodramatic, but realizing we're going to be here a while, I plop down on the floor next to him, using my magic to turn the music off, sending us into a silence that sounds almost as deafening as the music was.

"Do you ever feel like you're a background character in someone else's story?” Dev asks finally. “Like nothing you ever do will be important enough to be the main character?”

I think about it for a moment. "Not really. Why?"

"It's like my whole life I've been living in the shadows, a few steps behind Baz. No matter what I did or how deeply I was hurting, it could never compare to whatever was going on with Baz. It began to feel like a competition, one that I never had a chance of winning."

"Life isn't supposed to be a competition. The way you feel or hurt is valid even if someone else has it worse. It’s your life and your experiences and that is what's important."

"I know but it’s still hard not to feel like a background character."

He really sounds distraught over this, and I wonder how long he’s been holding all of this in. I want to reach out and take his hand in mine but decide that that would be stupid and keep my hands to myself.

"You know what I think?” I say. “I think everyone is the writer of their own story. They get to make their own choices and decide how much they allow themselves to be affected by others. They can’t change other people's stories, but they can be a part of them. So yeah, it’s possible you're a background character in Baz's story, but what about in your story?"

He slides his arm down to rest on his chest so that he can stare at me. "When did you get to be so wise, Niall?"

I shrug self-consciously, hoping he doesn’t notice the blush creeping up onto my face. He looks away to stare up at the ceiling, like all of the answers will be up there.

"Okay. So say that that’s true and you can write your own story, what could I do to make it my own?"

I hum noncommittally, thinking about it. I know what I would do if it were me. I would tell my best friend I'm in love with him and have been since we were like 11 and first thrown into this tiny room together.

I can’t say that though because it would ruin everything. Maybe I will in a few months when we leave Watford for good and go our separate ways.

He's looking at me expectantly now, so I try to come up with an acceptable answer.

"If I were trying to make my story my own, I think I would try to figure out what's holding me back and find a way to change it. I would find a way to take charge of it and not wait around for things to happen to me."

He tilts his head thoughtfully at me and a strand of hair falls down in front of his eye. My fingers itch to reach out and brush it away but I ball my hand into a fist to keep myself from doing something stupid.

"So, what's holding you back then Niall?"

My face heats even more as I stutter out a response. "N-nothing. We weren’t talking about m-me."

I press my lips firmly together as if to prove my point.

The corner of Dev's mouth turns up in a small smile, and it looks like his dark mood is almost gone. Something else has grabbed his attention. I just wish that thing wasn't me.

"We should go to dinner," I say in an attempt to distract him. I start to stand up, but he grabs my arm and pulls me back down. He doesn’t let go and now we're sitting face to face in the middle of our room.

"You have a secret," he accuses. "You're terrible at keeping secrets, so this must be big."

I swallow hard, my heart beating hard against my rib cage. "It's nothing. It's stupid."

"Come on. You can tell me. I'm your best friend."

And there it is. The reason I could never tell him how I really feel: I don’t want to lose his friendship. It means too much to me. He means too much to me.

"It’s nothing," I say again. "It’s not an important part of my story." The lie causes me physical pain as the words leave my mouth, and I want to take them back. I hate lying to him.

He looks like he wants to push the matter further, but he simply lets go of my arm and shrugs.

"Fine. You don’t have to tell me." He says it flippantly, like it really doesn’t matter, which for some reason makes me hurt even more.

My skin feels cold where his hand just was, and suddenly it feels like there’s too much room between us. He was wrong. I'm not terrible at keeping secrets. I just don't like keeping them, especially from him,which is why I decide that it's time to stop keeping this one.

"Dev wait," I say even though he hasn't moved yet. "I'll tell you."

"You don’t have to," he says softly. "I didn't mean to push you."

I shake my head. "No, you didn't. I want to tell you."

"Okay."

I drop my gaze down to my hands in my lap but then I decide that I need to look at him when I say this. I have to see his reaction, no matter how bad it is.

"You said that you feel like a background character but I know that's not true. It couldn’t possibly be true because you're such a big part of my life."

He starts to say something, but I shake my head to stop him. If I don’t say this now, I don’t think I'll ever be able to say it. I take a deep breath and continue.

"From the moment the Crucible pulled us together and brought you into my life, I knew my life would never be the same. As soon as I saw your crooked smile and floppy hair falling into your eyes, I knew that I was gone for. I may not have known what it meant just yet, but I knew having you in my life was all I would ever want." His expression is unreadable as I say all of this, so I just keep going, trying not to worry about what he must be thinking. "You can't possibly be a background character because you’re a main character in my story. You’re one of the most special things about my story, and you’re one of the things that keeps it going, gives it purpose."

"Niall, what exactly are you saying?" Dev asks slowly.

A small part of me wants to say that he's just my best friend, but I can’t go back now. I have to see this all the way through.

"I’m in love with you, Dev. I have loved you for years and--mmph."

I'm cut off when he presses his lips to mine and kisses me with so much force that it nearly knocks me over.

He pulls away just as quickly, his face red and unable to look at me.

"Sorry. I just--. Sorry."

"You don't have to apologize."

"Niall, I... I love you, too." He looks back up at me when he says it, a smile playing on his lips.

My brain stalls out at that, but I can feel my face break out into a giant, stupid grin. I can’t believe it. I can't believe Dev actually feels the same way about me.

It’s my turn to kiss him, and I actually do knock into him with enough force to make him land on his back on the carpet. Then I kiss him like my life depends on it.

He wraps his arms around me, and we lie tangled up together kissing for a long time.

"I think dinner is over now," Dev says when we finally break apart, and I laugh.

I roll off of him so that were both lying on our backs together, side by side. His hand finds my and I interlace our fingers.

We stay like that for a few minutes before there's a knock at the door.

"Are you two alright in there? You missed dinner." It's Baz.

Dev sits up quickly, and I join him.

"Remember," I say quietly. You’re not a background character. You are so much more than that."

He smiles and says, "I know. Thanks for helping me see that." Then louder, he says, "We're fine. We just got a little...distracted."

I can feel my face warm as I stand up, hoping I don’t look too much like I was just rolling around on the floor with my roommate.

"Oh. Is it alright if I come in?"

Dev looks at me and I shrug. "Sure. I have some snacks hidden in my wardrobe. We can eat in here."

"Alright thanks," Baz says when I let him

The three of us sit on the floor together passing snacks around and making small talk about our day. Dev keeps throwing knowing glances my way, and I try not to blush as I think about all that has transpired on this carpet in the last hour and a half.

I wonder what Baz would say if I just reached over and took Dev’s hand right now, but I don’t think I'm ready for him to know just yet. I am not ashamed of this. I just want it to stay between me and Dev for a little while longer.

It will be our little secret. Our special, amazing secret.

I can't keep the smile off my face, and I can tell Dev knows exactly what I’m thinking about, but he doesn’t say anything until Baz has left for his own room.

"So..." He says.

"So..." I repeat.

He smiles at me and my heart melts. Merlin, I love him.

"What does this mean?" He asks, and his face flushes, giving away how nervous he was about asking that question. I'm surprised he even has to ask.

"For me, it means I want to be your boyfriend."

"I want that, too."

We kiss again and it's perfect.

It’s like one of those big moments in a story when everything comes together, and all the pieces fall into place. This is what everything has been building to, and it’s even better than I ever could have imagined.

This is not the end of our story, merely the end of this chapter in it.

#deniall #deniall fic #dev x niall #the simon snow trilogy #rainbow rowell #story of us #my writing #i wrote this in like an hour and a half on my phone last night #which is kind of crazy for me #lol #i had a lot of fun with it!

[unhealthyforexo]

Bold (M)

In which Sehun is weak for your confident and impudent attitude towards others, but still feels the need to prove to you it doesn’t work on him...ever.

Pairing: Sehun x reader; Genre: Smut; Word Count: I have no clue; A/N: This is my first time posting an EXO blurb and... it’s smut. Go big or go home lol. English is not my first language and I only edited half of it, because I got carried away, so I apologize in advance for any mistake I might have made. I really hope you like it, because I love to write and I also have other things I want to post here, so let’s see how it goes! Please enjoy!!

Taking a cloth in your hands, you turn to slide it across the kitchen counter. Your moves start to get a little harsh, your annoyance coming to notice as you keep rambling about your co-workers to your boyfriend, who is next to you, carefully putting the dirty dishes in the dishwasher.

“Oh but right before I left, she had the nerve to ask me for my contacts before I leave for vacation next week!” At some point in the middle of that statement you stop cleaning and turn to Sehun, your hand moving up sassily, swaying the cloth along with your words. “And I just… Excuse me?” You frown, emphasizing at the slight thought of it. 

Sehun stops what he is doing and turns to you. The side of his hip brush against the kitchen counter until it is pressed against it completely as he leans in. He crosses his legs and stares at you attentively as you speak. For a brief second, he thought you might have been talking about him when you emphasized your words, but once his attention is fully on you, he notices you’re completely lost in your thoughts but, the way you start to express them so assertively then, it is what gets him to focus entirely on you. He takes one of his hands to place it over the kitchen counter to help support his body weight against it and then takes his other free hand to rub his chin gently, his eyes never leaving yours.

“It took me the longest time to get my contacts and to even get their confidence afterwards and… and this ass sucker comes out of no where thinking.. no, she doesn’t even do that…” You roll your eyes and nod your head in denial. Sehun clears his throat quietly watching you put down the cloth on the kitchen counter and then turning back to him, proceeding with your reasoning. “… she considered, she even considered!” You clench your jaw at the thought of it and he shifts in his place, growing as impatient as you, just in a different way; a way he didn’t think would make him that uncomfortable but, for his own surprise, he was enjoying your story a little bit too much. “But for what though? What is she trying to prove? That she can do a job she should have done before when she was asked to, now that she realized she lost the promotion to me…?” You ask hypothetically.

You raise a brow at him, your eyes blinking slower as you stare at him blankly. The way you tilt your chin up confidently, like your job’s big promotion, that you worked so hard to get, is tattooed right across your forehead sends him an electrified feeling up his spine and he is forced to react.

“What did you say to her?” He asks quietly. His hand stops moving on his chin and across his neck and goes up to his lower lip, pinching on it nervously. He really wanted you to go on, not only because he wanted to push you, but he was actually listening to you too.

“To her?” You ask sarcastically. He nods, gulping silently. “Nothing. I went straight to my boss and told him everything.” You shrug.

“Oh…” He starts, blinking rapidly in confusion. “You were serious about it.” He says as if he is taking a mental note himself. 

You sigh in response and he adjusts himself against the counter. You stand up straight and look around uneasily, trying to find the words to explain it to him.

“Hun, you know I don’t do my job just for the money, I love what I do an-“

“Wait, baby, did you qui-“

“No, no, no!” You turn to him, nodding your head repeatedly. You notice his body, somehow, relax, as he stares at you. “It’s just that everything the others do wrong comes back at me and I didn’t fight for my position to take other people’s shit.” You frown, your shoulders rising at disbelief of your own self and what you had been going through at work in these past few months. “He knows that.” You nod, letting your attitude show again. Sehun is no longer leaning against the counter, instead, he is taking one step closer to you, his hands falling on each of his sides as he wets his lips. “What he didn’t know is that I am not going to be that quiet anymore.” Sehun’s mind starts racing, your words taking a different meaning in his own little dictionary. “I am done holding back and keeping it all to myself and still getting bit back by it, especially when I have nothing to do with other people’s ignorance and lack of common sense. It’s a small office for them to think this would even last long, but I don’t fucking care about what they think anymore. Mr Kye knows I’m right.” You state, adjusting your shoulders back as if the realization of what you had done earlier that day was finally coming down on you in that moment.

Sehun nods at each of your words and, within milliseconds, he is hovering you, one of his hands is trying to reach for you as his fingers snake around your waist to grab you. Your eyes widen at his sudden, yet unusual, response to your conversation and you consequently part your lips as you stare down at his covered torso now brushing against the fabric of your t-shirt.

“What is this… what are you doing?” Your cheeks flush at the feeling of his fingers pressing harder on your waist, causing your body to instantly move as they guide you closer to him.

“Hmm?” He hums quietly. You look up at him, forcing a frown on your face.

Sehun is smirking at you. You take one hand and place it over his chest, his heart race increasing at your touch while you try to push him back. He watches your clueless expression and how you try to harden your frown at him and lets out a chuckle. You start taking steps back but he follows right after you, his body almost glued to yours at that moment.

“Why are you coming so close?” Your voice comes out more like a breath and Sehun liked it too much. He wets his lips again when you lower your gaze to your hand, which is still against his chest. You can feel him breathing against your forehead as he speaks.

“I just love when you go from a big baby to fucking untouchable.” His words are harsh against your hair as he comes closer. You’re quick to respond.

“Hun, were you even listening to me?” You speak a bit firmer this time, your hand stronger against his chest as you try to push him away but he is quicker and, in a blink of an eye, he has you pinned against the kitchen counter. The sudden cold touch from the tiles against your lower back through your thin t-shirt makes you arch your back, causing your chest to bump into his. He takes it as an attempt for you to escape and holds your waist steadily with both his hands on each of your sides.

Sehun starts to lean down and you widen your eyes, feeling his breath now tickling your neck, pressing his forehead against your cheek as he speaks.

“Hmm-mm… yes baby.” You slide your hand up across his covered chest until your fingertips feel the warmth of his skin once you reach for the collar of his sweatshirt to grab it. “Every single word.” He completes his statement, answering you.

You close your eyes and harden your grip on the collar of his sweatshirt. You take your other hand up and place it against his belly, feeling his muscles tense under your touch. When one of his hands sneaks under your t-shirt and he starts moving it up your back slowly, your body responds rapidly, like always, and you feel a thrill go up your spine leading you to try and move away from his touch, only to press your chest harder against his. He takes advantage of the situation and holds you in place, letting his lips press against your neck, pecking its skin gently. You open your eyes once you feel his hot breath against your skin and try, once more, to push him away, now with both hands, but it’s no use. He notices your moves weakening at his touch and he continues, enjoying way to much how your words have started to not mach your body reaction to him.

“But then I realized I’m the one who gets to kiss that potty mouth of yours and I…” He exhales against your neck and then moves his head up slowly, to look at you, at the same time the hand, that was once placed on your waist, makes its way up your torso, brushing against your breasts intentionally before his fingers caress your chin. You open your eyes when you feel him move and look at him in the eyes as he continues. “…I suddenly want to have a taste of it.” His thumb is now sliding across your lower lip at the same time his fingers tickle the skin under your chin. 

You feel breathless and your mind was racing from the sudden change of behavior. You gasp quietly.

“Yeah we can do what you’re thinking but… uhm…” You stumble in your own words and watch a grin form on his lips. Your eyes try to capture every single one of his moves as if you were trying to hold back at some time, even though it was impossible. You ease your grip on the collar of his sweatshirt and he bites his lower lip when he feels you caressing his shoulder. “…later tonight.” You finish quietly.

“Why?” He breathes, leaning down. You move your head to the side and he pecks your cheek with a smile. “Why not now?” He asked, lips tickling your cheek at every single word. He keeps leaning down, leaving a trail of sloppy pecks down to your jaw.

“Because…” You start answering, moving your hand up from his belly to his bicep and doing the same with the other. You try to push him away, except, to him, it felt more like you are firmly holding onto him. “I promised to help Minji at her apartment today.”

You feel the vibrations from his chuckle go down your body and you let out a whimper. You instantly regret it and try to sneak away from his touch once he lifts his head from you.

“What a cute plan.” He jokes teasingly, smiling at you. You look up at him, not holding back your smile.

“Stop.” You say without meaning it.

You try to move to the side, but his body mirrors yours inevitably. The hand he had on your back, under your shirt, moves to your side and he starts caressing the bra frame with his thumb, right under your breasts, only to confirm you were wearing a rather thin bra. Wise choice Y/N.

You take your hands down from his forearms and try to remove his hands from you, but you fail and Sehun is already leaning down to press his lips against you. You nod your head stubbornly.

“But I can’t later tonight.” He excuses himself, his voice coming out more like a whine and you raise your eyebrows apologetically.

You keep taking a few steps to the side, following the edge of the kitchen counter along the wall and Sehun follows back, his hands never leaving your body, no matter where they were placed at this point. Once you reach the corner of the wall, you stop and he stands in front of you again, his waist moving slowly towards your tummy, just below your belly button, applying pressure against it for you to feel the growing bugle under his sweatpants. Your take your hands off of him rapidly and cross your arms over your chest once you notice him moving closer to you. He, consequently, takes his hands off of your waist and from under your shirt and reach out for your crossed arms, trying to force you to uncross them, but you fight back. He looks down at you, licking his lips before smirking. He is enjoying that too much.

“And why can’t you later tonight?” You ask, raising one eyebrow at him. He chuckles and ends up biting his bottom lip again. You’re making him impatient.

“I have stuff today.” He affirms, his fingers reaching out for your wrists, holding them gently.

“You have stuff…?” You’re both looking at each other in the eyes and he nods in response. He can’t hold back his smirk and keeps biting or licking his bottom lip. You know he is lying. You let out a breathy chuckle and fight back to keep your arms across your chest while he is still trying to remove them. “What stuff?” You ask quietly, trying to hold back your giggles from his desperate hands all over you and the clear lying expression his face holds. He knows he can’t lie to you, but he pushes it, anyway.

“I have to go help Chanyeol.” He nods as if he was trying to believe it himself. “He asked me.” He tries to perfect his lie, but it only gives you the confirmation of how fake that was. 

He hums and presses his waist against you again. You let out a gasp in response and lose some of your arm strength, giving him the opportunity to uncross them from your chest. He keeps holding your wrists, guiding your arms to where he wants them, finally pressing his chest against yours. You try to hide your smile, bitting the inside of your cheek as you move your head to the side when he leans in.

“Chanyeol, huh…?” You tease. He wraps your arms around his own waist and you hold onto his sweatshirt strongly at the same time you feel his lips against your jaw.

“Hmm-mm… at the studio.” He hums against your cheek, now moving his head to the side. 

You close your eyes for a brief moment, one of your hands moving to the side of his waist as he bumps it against you, this time more forcefully. Your cheeks flush at the feeling of arousal after sensing his boner way better this time. You grip the hem of his sweatshirt and feel one of his hands on your cheek, making you turn your face to him. You look at him in the eyes for a few seconds, but your gaze instantly goes down for you to look at his lips as they come closer to yours.

“So I can’t tonight.” He breathes, leaning in to kiss you but just as his lips brush against yours, you lean back. He mirrors you and keeps his gaze locked on your lips as they move further away from his. You watch his mouth pressing into a line and he clenches his jaw impatiently. You like what you see so you tease further.

“Yeah, but I have to go in a bit.” You breathe. You weren’t lying though.

“That’s why we have to do it now.” He states.

With that answer, his hand moves a little down from your cheek, to your neck to hold you in place as he bends over you. You feel his other arm wrap around your lower back to pull you closer and it gives you a second to close your eyes before his lips crash a little too harsh against yours.

You kiss him back and hear him hum against your mouth. Unwrapping your arms from around his waist, you move your hands up, one to hold the bicep that his around your waist, and the other holding his forearm firmly. You don’t try to push him away, because you know you don’t want to, but you try to keep him right where he is, before he starts pushing harder against you, already feeling the edge of the kitchen counter burn against your lower back, just below where his arm holds you. You know he would never intentionally hurt you or hold you too tight to the point it would hurt you, but you knew when Sehun got too into it, the moment would become so intoxicated that he would press his body so hard against yours until it was no longer physically possible to be so close to you. But still, he would try.

“Sehun.” You try to make him come to his senses, humming against his lips.

The kiss becomes heated, tongues already moving together. Your fingers dig deeper into his sweatshirt, still holding him in place. He feels is as if it is burning his skin under the clothing and takes his hand from the side of your neck to the back of it, his fingers tangled around your hair, kissing you faster. You moan and he moves away quickly. You look at him, your eyes lazy with the infatuation of the moment as you try to catch your breath. His chest also rises and falls rapidly as he tries to speak.

“You’re not walking to your bedroom so I’m taking you right here.” He says, breathlessly.

He unwraps his arm from around your lower back and you feel his fingers teasingly slipping under the waistband of your pants. You gasp at his touch and your eyes widen as you look at him.

“I’m not walking to my bedroom because the coat I’ll put on to leave is right there.” You hiss.

Your remove your hands from him, one of them holding his arm up so you detach his hold from your waist but he is quick to grab your wrists again, not letting you move. You look at him surprised by his quick response and part your lips innocently. He has a hard frown plastered in his face, his features hardening with the tension you’re making him feel. He keeps breathing heavily and stares down at you and you feel like his eyes undress you quicker than his touch can in that moment. You feel the heat increase in your body just by watching him stare at you. He feels your strength weakening under his touch and presses your arms against his chest as he leans closer, eyes landing on your lips, watching you bite down on them. 

“Save the attitude for Minji,” He breathes. “we both know you’re not untouchable with me.” He takes your arms up, loosening the touch on your wrists as he places your hands over his shoulders, moving closer to you. He doesn’t wait and leans in to kiss your neck slowly, each of his hands now caressing your sides. You take your hands from his shoulders to his neck, turning your forearms down, until your elbows are stiffly against his chest.

“Oh Sehun.” You try to warn him, but, besides your body, not even your voice matches your body language anymore and it comes out more as a whimper.

“Again.” He whispers against your neck, then kissing it up to your jawline. 

His hands are sliding down your sides again, to reach for the waistband of your pants. He feels your elbows pressing harder against his chest, your fingers slide up the back of his head, brushing against his hair and he presses his body against you again.

“That wasn’t a moan, you idiot, I was scold-“

He pushes away from your jawline and stands straight, looking at you. His hands go up to reach out for your elbows and gently push them up.

“Stop trying to fight back, I know you want it.” He cries, nodding his head while leaning in. 

His fingers brush against the back fo your arm, sliding down until his hands are again on your sides. You breathe out before he kisses you. You murmur something against his lips which he can’t understand but moans to it anyway. He gives you a few pecks and moves down through your jawline, until his warm breath is against your ear, pecking it slowly.

“You know I want it?” You moan, your arms already giving in, wrapping around his shoulders, giving him space to move closer to you.

“Hmm-mm…” One of his hands quickly find a way through your shirt and he is quick to start rubbing his fingers against your nipples over your see-through bra. He stops kissing your earlobe and you can only imagine his smile as you close your eyes and he whispers. “I could feel this through your t-shirt.”

He keeps moving his thumb in circles over your nipple and you pull him closer, arching your back to bump your hips into his and your arms wrapping stronger around his neck. Your lips find their way to his neck and you peck it repeatedly.

“Why are you lik-“

“Why am I like this?” He finishes your sentence as he pinches your nipple, causing you to hiss against the skin of his neck, clearly making him shiver.

He loosens his touch on you and his hands are quick to find its way to the waistband of your pants, but this time you lean your waist against his touch just as he sneaks his fingers under your panties. You remove your head from the crook of his neck and your foreheads bump against each other clumsily. You gasp, feeling his finger slid downpour clit to your entrance and then back up, spreading your wetness, repeating it over and over again, painfully slowly.

You move your hands up to the back of his head, caressing his hair. He leans closer and kisses your lips calmly. His palm is warm on your hip as he hold you in place once he stops his finger at your clit, rubbing gently up and down, pressing against it sending pleasurable shocks through your body, causing you to flinch a few times.

“Hun…” You moan against his mouth and he smiles in the kiss. You try to move your hips along with his touch, but he doesn’t let you.

One of your hands comes down to his neck, holding him close to you. You whimper again after he presses his finger down your clit, teasing your soaking entrance. He pulls away from the kiss, his nose rubbing yours.

“I know baby, I know.” He whispers. You keep your eyes close letting his words get the best of you.

You swear you can feel your body shaking with how quick he pulled down your pants along with your panties. You open your eyes widely, gasping as you feel him get on his knees so quick, your hands fall on his shoulders. You breathe out, feeling his arm wrap around under your leg, squeezing your bum. You stare down at him and watch him smirk at you, pulling you closer to his face with his palm pressed against your butt cheek. Your fingers are quick to grip around the back part of the collar of his sweatshirt when you feel his other hand sliding up your leg, to your inner thigh. He presses his elbow against the inside of your leg for you to part them a little more and winks at you just before pushing two fingers inside you, his thumb sliding up your slit to your clit, causing you to throwback your head, your hair falling around your shoulders.

He caresses your clit with his thumb before adjusting the others inside you. Your mind goes blank when you feel his thumb slide down again, causing your body to flinch again. He starts to move his fingers teasingly slow in and out of you and you moan in response. You feel his hot breath getting closer to your sensitive clit and before you know it, he is kissing it passionately, causing your, now, trembling hand to move up to his hair.

“Oh shhh-“ You breathe, not even being able to form a proper sentence when you feel his lips parting and his warm tongue licking up your throbbing clit.

You feel your legs weakening as he increases the pace of his fingers pumping into you, its sloppy sounds echoing in your mind, causing you to let go of the grip on the collar of his sweatshirt and harshly placing it on the edge of the kitchen counter, trying to balance yourself.

Sehun is attentive to your body language and takes his palm from your butt cheek, wrapping his arm around your leg, and placing it on your waist, holding your strongly as you give in to his touch. Your chest starts to rise and fall heavily and faster than before, your legs shakily closing as he presses hard circles against your clit with his tongue, his fingers moving deeper inside you. You moan breathlessly, already removing your hand from his hair, also taking it to the edge of the kitchen counter as you try to hold on. You feel your hips moving along with his tongue, shutting your eyes strongly. You move your head up and open your eyes slowly. You try to look down at him but your vision is completely blurry and your head is spinning really fast. You blink rapidly when he pecks your clit continuously and pumps his fingers in you harsher than before.

“Ahh!” You whimper, your sweaty palms sliding across the kitchen counter, causing your forearms to fall against it abruptly.

Sehun looks up at you as he slides his thumb across your slit, pressing it hard against your clit, but you don’t meet his eyes. You throw your head back again, shutting your eyes strongly as you feel a rush of adrenaline go up from your stomach  to your chest. Your heart starts to beat faster and he intensifies the pace of his touch on you. You feel your body flinch harder at each time he pushes inside you and your legs start to tremble so feverishly, that it gets harder for him to hold you in place. You feel his arm unwrap from around your leg as you reach your high.

“Babv..bvv…” You breathe louder, your words barely understandable as you bite your lip.

Sehun starts to stand up, his arm now going around your waist to hold you. You gasp when he removes his fingers from inside you, quickly pushing circles against your clit, your legs trembling painfully as you orgasm, arching your back at his touch but before he stands straight, you, oppositely start sliding down to the floor.

“Ooo, ooo!” He exclaims, hastily stopping his actions after you orgasmed, trying to hold you from falling on the floor. Your hands hold onto his arms, gripping his sweatshirt, as you breathe heavily.

Sehun lets out a giggle, getting back on his knees, not being able to prevent you from falling on the floor in time. His giggle turn into a high pitch laughter as you fall on your side on the floor. You can’t help but smile, your hand reaching out for something to hold onto as you fall on your side, ending up on the cold tiled floor. You try to sit back up, looking at him as he laughs. You roll your eyes at his teasing laughter and chuckle, nodding your head in disbelief yourself. He keeps on holding you with his arm still around your waist and takes the other hand up to his chin, cleaning some of your juices that might have slipped down on it. He takes advantage of your position and starts leaning down, smiling now, as he positions himself over you. You move, to get under him, your forearms now against the cold floor.

He licks his lips and his hands find their way to the waistband of your pants again, but this time he slips them off along with your house slippers, throwing them to the side. He keeps his eyes on you as you adjust yourself on the floor. You bite your lip as you watch him reaching for the collar of his sweatshirt to remove it.

“Take your shirt off.” He says with a smirk smirking, tilting his chin at you and then removes his own.

You smirk at how messy his hair gets once he slips his sweatshirt out of this body, throwing it away to where your pants landed. You try to sit up, but not completely to not literally sit on the floor, not only because it’s cold, but because it is obviously dirty somehow. Sehun starts getting in between your legs, his hands pushing his sweatpants down as he looks at you. He sees you struggle and takes one arm to reach for you, holding your smaller back so you don’t fall, using his other hand to rub against his growing length as he watches you strip your shirt. You let it fall on your side, your eyes instantly watching him slowly touch himself. He doesn’t bother to remove his sweatpants completely, not wanting to waste any time.

You place your hands on the floor again and look back up at him as he moves closer to you. He gives you a cheesy smile as he adjusts his position in between your legs, but not too close to give you want you want. You lick your lips as he looks down at your body.

“Bra.” He whispers and it is enough for you to quickly move your fingers on your back and unclasp it. You take the straps off through your arms and throw it back.

Sehun unwraps his arm from your lower back as you let your body lay on the floor, the heat of your body caused by this touch on you as his fingers hold your hips in place, excelling the coldness of the floor. Just as he is hovering your body, his head quickly moves up at your phone ringing on the kitchen counter. You take your hands to the back of his neck and he looks down at you as you pull him to you.

“Fuck you Minji.” You whisper and he smirks at you, letting out a small giggle at your comment.

He gives your hip a little squeeze before taking his hand from it, to place it on the floor right next to your head as he leans in. You feel his tip on your entrance and just as he pushes inside you, you close your eyes, lips parting as you let out a gasp which his lips are quick to catch, breathing you in.

I never know when to stop but it was getting too long, I’m sorryyyy

#exo scenarios #exo blurbs #exo imagines #exo drabble #exo writing #exo reactions #exo series #exo au #exo au scenarios #exo au series #exo blog #exo writer #exo texts #exo sehun #oh sehun #sehun #sehun x reader #sehun smut #sehun blurb #sehun scenario #sehun series #sehun imagine #sehun drabble #sehun writing #sehun text #sehun au #exo #exo smut #oh sehun smut #oh sehun scenario

[thomaslightwoodenthusiast]

here it is!!! i hope you guys like it fjfkcks (disclaimer: it is set in modern world!)

no time to die - thomastair

(TW: death, mentions of suicide and murder, also for simplicity reasons even though it’s technically iran i called it persia like the book)

➰➰➰➰➰➰

Thomas turned to Alastair. “Are you sure you’re gonna be okay?” he said, whilst adjusting the shorter man’s suit jacket.

“Thomas, you need not worry so much. You know I’ve been doing this for years- an awards show should be no different.”

Thomas looked at his boyfriend. Boyfriend. It was still strange to even think. It had taken him so long to accept the truth, and even longer to admit his feelings for Alastair. Despite their past, Alastair alongside Anna had been the ones who understood what he was going through and helped him. It was just that, it had taken so long to get him, Thomas was afraid Alastair would disappear.

“I love you. Blow them away, eh?” he said with a wink.

“Oh darling, I always do,” Alastair replied. “Though sometimes I do feel like I’m doing so much that I’ll have no time to die!”

That had been their last conversation. The last words Alastair spoke to Thomas before...it. Even though five years had passed, Thomas kept replaying the night and the events over and over. He still cried about it. The pain had been immense.

The song ends.

Lights go down.

Bang.

Men rushing to the stage. Paramedics running to the scene. People screaming bloody murder. Thomas didn’t believe it. Couldn’t. But there was Alastair, down like a flash and bleeding across the wooden surface. His typically brown skin paling to a sick, deathly colour. He had tried to get across, tried to see what had happened but not only did the men refuse; he was promptly dragged out of the building and sent away.

Something about what happened wasn’t right.

They all claimed Alastair had killed himself onstage; that he’d hidden the gun and used it at lights out. But Thomas knew that wasn’t true; there were no guns in their house, and he would definitely have noticed if Alastair wasn’t feeling okay. No; Thomas was convinced.

He was murdered.

The men hadn’t let him near him, which just convinced Thomas more. And any time he tried to make an attempt to the press, they didn’t listen. They brushed it off as ‘a grief-stricken boyfriend’.

Which was exactly why, five years later on the anniversary of the incident, Thomas Lightwood was sitting in a bar with his cousin Anna.

“Bullshit!”

“Whoa there, where did that come from?” Anna said, offended.

Thomas flushed. “Oh- sorry. Nothing.”

Anna could tell he was lying. Ever since Alastair’s death it had never been the same. Cordelia had been heartbroken; she refused to mention him at all even now. Thomas was the reverse. He was absolutely convinced it wasn’t suicide, but rather murder. He had dedicated the majority of the last five years to trying to find information or any evidence. It was almost heartbreaking to watch. Thomas had been through enough, losing his sister too. Anna was always very protective of her cousin- they used to nickname each other the ‘Gay Defense Squad’ because of how they stuck by and defended each other from anyone who might ‘disagree with their way of life’.

“I know it’s not nothing, ya big idiot. It’s him, isn’t it?”

Thomas sighed. “Yes. It is. I’m sorry, Anna. I really am.”

“You don’t have to be. You lost someone extremely important to you in an awful and tragic way. It takes years to get over that stuff. Especially with poor Barbara. How many years now? 7?”

“Yeah.” Thomas felt his eyes tearing up. The mental pressure to hold everything together was terrible. “Dad’s still- Gideon is still heartbroken. Well, anyone who lost a child would be, but sometimes I see him and I can see how red his eyes are, how pale he is and it’s just not fair. If there was some way, any way to just take all my parents’ pain away I would.”

Anna was thoughtful. “But what about your own? Thomas, you need help. You need someone who’s a therapist; not your cousin.”

Thomas shook. “No, no I don’t need help. I’m not insane, do you think I goddamn am? I’ve spent years trying and trying to find out what happened and look where it’s got me? No. Fucking. Where. I won’t rest.”

Anna Lightwood’s heart tore. Thomas didn’t deserve any of this. She wished he could understand that people didn’t think he was insane; they thought he was in denial. Anna had to admit; she agreed with what Thomas was doing, but there comes a time where you can only do so much, or else you might uncover a truth you might not want to hear.

A slim waiter approached the two, holding a note in his hand. “Hey guys! Sorry to bother you, but there was a man sitting at that table over there and he handed me this note. Pointed to this table and said it was for the dude.” He dropped the folded piece of paper in front of Thomas and sauntered off. Thomas picked the paper up and unfolded it. It read;

324 Blackends Street.

Tomorrow. 8pm.

Anna glanced over. “What is it?”

“I don’t know,” Thomas replied. “All it says is an address and a time. What could this...mean?”

Anna winked. “Maybe someone’s seen something they like?” she said, to which Thomas glared. “What? Look. I don’t want to get your hopes up, but this could be your big break. Your next step into finding out what happened! I say you go, but leave if the person isn’t there after a few minutes.”

Thomas considered it. He’d waited for a moment like this for so long, yet now that it was a possibility he felt strangely sick. He was anxious and terrified. “Of course, we could be wrong and maybe it’s just someone playing some stupid prank. I’ll give it a chance though. Just in case.”

The cousin duo left and parted ways at the door, Thomas’s stomach sick with a mix of anxiety and excitement. Could he really be about to solve the case? To find out the truth?

➰➰➰➰➰➰➰➰

The whole day, Thomas had been extremely off. Even Christopher had noticed.

“Tom, are you okay?”

“James what have I told you about calling me that-“

“I know, I know. But you’ve been so quiet all day. You seem tense, worried about something. I know it was the anniversary of...that...yesterday. Do you need to talk? You can if you want, you know me, Christopher and Math are all here for you.”

“Look I appreciate it. Yes. I’m just stressed about something that happened when I was out with Anna last night and I can’t figure out what it means or why.”

Matthew came over from where he was sitting. “What is it?”

Thomas handed him the note.

“Ooo is someone involved in a secret little rendezvous? Kidding. Unless?”

Thomas deadpanned. “No, Matthew. No I am not. Although I don’t even know what I’m involved in myself. This waiter gave us this note saying it was for me from a random guy at another table. I don’t know what he wants from me or why, but I’m going.”

James’s eyes narrowed. “No you’re not. I don’t want you getting hurt or anything. None of us know what’s happening.”

Thomas took a breath. “I’m only gonna stay there for five minutes I promise. I’ll call you guys as soon as it’s over or if something goes wrong. Trust me, ‘kay?”

Christopher stopped his reading to look up at his cousin for a brief moment. “Please don’t die,” he said in a worrying tone.

“Kit!! I’ll be fine! Please don’t worry. You just concern yourself with your weird and wonderful world of books.” Thomas notices the way Christopher avoided his gaze. He was very fidgety. He tended to get like this when in stressful situations.

“Group hug,” called James.

➰➰➰➰➰➰

Thomas breathed in and out slowly to calm his nerves. He was walking towards the building he presumed it was. He knew he should nope the hell out of there, but what was life without a little risking it? He stopped at the right address-

And was promptly yanked through a doorway.

On which he banged his head.

“Okay now if you’re trying to be discreet on kidnapping me it isn’t really working-“

“Oh SHUT up I’m not kidnapping you you daft log.”

Thomas opened his mouth to reply, but he froze where he was standing. That voice, that beautiful voice. The accent with a slightly foreign lilt.

“No...”

The man replied back in a mocking tone. “Yes...”

“...Alastair?”

He flicked the light on, as if to prove it. And it was. The brown skin, the dark hair and eyes, the short yet lean stature. “In the flesh.”

Thomas threw his arms around him. Alastair returned the gesture. The two sobbed into each other’s shoulders for a while, as if their tears were glue holding them together. Alastair moved his head away, but did not dare to release his grip on Thomas. “I suppose I have some explaining to do?”

“I thought- I thought you were dead! You were shot! Wait, was it fake? Was-“

“That’s one thing that was real about the situation. They had intended to kill me but missed my head and hit me,” said Alastair, rolling up his shirt, “here.”

There was a scar on the left side of his chest. It looked painful.

“Who’s ‘they’?”

“Well it’s not really a they, more a he.”

“Then who’s he?”

Alastair stopped for a moment. Thomas could see his fear. Whoever had hurt him this badly deserved death.

“It’s actually- well, my psycho ex. But- you know him.”

“I do? Who the hell is he?”

“Think of Matthew. Did he ever say anything about his brother? About him going away for several days at a time with no explanation?”

“It’s not- no. Your psycho ex, the one who did all this to you, is Charles? Fairchild? The goody-two-shoes who always acted superior to everyone?”

Alastair nodded.

“Dear God! I’ll kill him, I swear to GOD-“

“No Thomas, please. I need to explain what happened. After I was hurt, I was taken straight to wherever Charles lived. The bleeding stopped on its own, but that’s why the wound hasn’t healed as well. I was basically held captive for three years- not allowed out on my own, or left alone in the house. But one day, I did it. I hurt him, Thomas. I beat the hell out of him and didn’t even care. I still don’t.”

“But- you said you were held for three years. It’s been five.”

“I’ve been all around this country. Trying to hide from him.”

Thomas felt hurt. “But why didn’t you just come straight to me? Or Cordelia? She’s been heartbroken ever since, and she refuses to even mention your name now.”

Alastair was desperate. “I know, and I’m sorry. I couldn’t go there because I thought it would be too obvious. I thought he’d come for one of you, and I couldn’t risk it. But over time, I realised I can’t do this anymore. I decided I was going to move back home- to Persia. Or at least, that I would...if I could do it with you.”

Thomas stood, suddenly angered. “What about my family? My parents?? They’ve already lost one daughter, I doubt they want to lose their son. And my friends??”

“You can visit them! They can come to Persia! It’s just, I will never be safe unless it’s at home,” said Alastair, rushing his words as if he was afraid Thomas would make a run for it. “Please, come with me. I love you, Thomas. I love you and I need you.”

Thomas resigned; he knew what he was going to do.

He leaned down and kissed Alastair; it was as beautiful a moment as it was heartbreaking. Years of pain, now joined together again. Alastair stood up on the tips of his toes and enveloped his fingers in Thomas’s hair. Thomas felt as if the two torn-apart pieces of his heart were knitting themselves back together in that very moment. They broke away from each other, catching their breath more than they thought they needed to.

“You don’t even have to ask twice.”

➰➰➰➰➰➰➰

Thomas informed the others of what was going to happen. No one was pleased, and Sophie was worried, but they made an attempt to understand his situation.

Thomas felt alive for one of the first times in a long time. It was exhilarating and the whole thing was so fun. Part of him worried for his family, but he knew they were safe; it was his duty to protect Alastair.

“I can’t help but feeling that there is not much difference between what we are doing and an elopement,” voiced Alastair, the two together on the plane. Thomas laughed. He put his arm around Alastair, who cuddled in to him as best he could with the awkward aeroplane seats.

“I suppose you’re right. Maybe we’re criminals, and we’re on the run! Or we’re secret lovers, running away to be who we truly are!” he said. The instructions started and the plane began moving. Alastair suddenly felt an odd sinking feeling.

“Are you okay?”

Alastair dismissed the question with a shake of his head and sat up. “I’m fine. It’s just- well we’re leaving so much behind I guess.”

Thomas gripped his hand. “You’re doing what’s right for you, and that’s all that matters.” The stewardesses finished giving their instructions and a new voice came over the plane.

“Hello and good afternoon, this is your pilot speaking!”

“No,” said Alastair. “No no no this can’t be true. He couldn’t have. I-I-,” he froze. He felt his seatbelt in an attempt to open it, but it was jammed. Speechless, he reached over Thomas, who had paled slightly.

His belt was jammed too.

“Alastair- breathe, please you’re going to choke.”

“...please keep your seatbelts absolutely fastened at all times...”

“He found me, Thomas.”

“...because there really...”

“I’m done for.”

“...is...”

Thomas was as speechless as Alastair. He was terrified. For even though they weren’t close, he knew exactly who the voice belonged to.

Charles.

“...no time to die.”

➰➰➰

this is so dramatic i’m sorry but anyways i have a plan for a short prequel (as in, the events leading up to Alastair’s ‘death’) if anyone wants one? and also lmk if you want a sequel 😗✌️

#shadowhunters #lgbtq #queer #the shadowhunter chronicles #the last hours #chain of gold #thomastair #thomas lightwood #alastair x thomas #alastair carstairs #fanfic #oneshot

[hatari-translations]

Hi! There is a radio interview from december 31st called "Á síðustu stundu" (rás 2 kl 12:40) . Would you like to translate what they are saying? :)

The show can be found here, with the segment that Matthías is in starting at roughly fifteen minutes in. It’s quite long and most of the segment isn’t relevant to Matthías or Hatari at all, so there’ll be a lot of omissions here, but I’m translating or summarizing everything substantial that Matthías says, as usual. They actually talk about the international fanbase a little!

(Also: I’m bad at voices, I may be wrong somewhere in here on whether a host or a non-Matthías guest is speaking, please forgive me)

He is introduced as a “Matthías Tryggvi Haraldsson, I’m going to say playwright…” “Thank you.” “…singer…” “Okay.” “…activist…” “…Sure.” “And hater/Hatari.” Matthías then again says “Thanks for ‘playwright’.” I love that people do introduce him as a playwright a lot; I get the feeling that may be the work he’s proudest of, and he likes it when it’s acknowledged.

They talk about global warming a bit and denialism; Matthías contributes, “Denialists don’t want to be called denialists. It offends them.”

He’s asked if he’s doing anything special in his life for the climate; the other guy being interviewed talked about sorting his garbage. “Other than sorting garbage? Well, one should attend those protests [the youth Friday climate protests, which the woman being interviewed was part of organizing]. I haven’t done so thus far, I must admit.” They talk about how most jobs won’t let you just disappear off to a climate protest every week. Then he says “In the meantime, maybe I should buy a ‘Rótarskot’ from the persons of the year.” [The “Person of the year” was announced earlier in the show as the Icelandic Search and Rescue organization. For many years, their primary source of money was to sell fireworks for New Year’s Eve; in 2018, they started also selling ‘Rótarskot’, for those who don’t want fireworks, which is essentially funding the planting of trees and Search and Rescue at the same time.]

After talking about Search and Rescue for a bit, Matthías is asked about Eurovision, “all this… hullabaloo”. Matthías says “Yes. That’s a good choice of words.”

Host: “Have you recovered?”

Matthías: “No, I’ve just been kind of bit by bit regrounding myself. Then of course we get the New Year’s Comedy tonight and that’ll be a backslide. And then of course there’ll be another Eurovision Song Contest, and that’ll also bring it back. But then I think we’ll be rid of it, in the summer. May-June-ish.”

The host talks about how Eurovision is so huge here and people often think we’re the only people who care about it, which is a myth. He says he runs the social media for RÚV and put a photo of Matthías on Instagram when he was on Kappsmál, no gimps or leather, just Matthías (“I was wearing a green shirt,” Matthías adds), and that this photo got a lot of likes, almost exclusively from international Hatari fan pages.

Matthías: “hatarii with two i’s underscore belarus.”

Host: “Matthias I love you…”

Host: “Pics of matti…”

Matthías: “Matthías smiling is one. Hatari memes.”

Host: “Is this something that you sense in your everyday life, or is it just there?”

Matthías: “It comes up in the unlikeliest moments. Just some child pointing, or a woman at the store complimenting you out of nowhere.”

Host: “People are still thinking about this?”

Matthías: “Yeah, it’s still…”

Host: “But what about the foreigners? Are you still getting a lot of attention from abroad, messages or love confessions or…”

Matthías: “Uh, I get messages. I’ve stopped looking at my requests, long ago. Of course it’s calmed down a lot. It was real chaos back in May/June. But yeah, there’s still… you get weird tags on Instagram from all these pages. But of course, when you’re in a nation of multi-millions, the contest is a lot more niche. Even though it’s big, it’s not this unifying public thing, like it is a bit here, even though it has a large fanbase. It doesn’t dominate society in Britain or Germany like it does here.”

Host: “Here and Sweden.”

Matthías: “Yeah.”

They start talking about podcasts for a bit; Matthías says he associates audiobooks with that as well. He’s asked if audiobooks have become mainstream, and he thinks yes, at least for him this year. Somebody asks if it’s the authors reading or actors, and Matthías says he thinks it’s actors working as contractors.

A bit later they start talking about whether this is actually the start of a new decade, and Matthías opines that he feels it is. They talk about how to celebrate that; the woman host says she just bought more fireworks than usual for 2010, but today that’s not really the zeitgeist (there’s been a lot of discussion in recent years about how the ridiculous amounts of fireworks Icelanders set off on New Year’s Eve create serious pollution). The guests agree they haven’t been doing a lot of fireworks recently; Matthías says last year he just bought one rocket and one Rótarskot. Host suggests then he rocket was already carbon-neutralized. “Yes, I’m allowed.” Matthías talks about how in Sweden there’s a law where you have to prove you attended lessons before you can set off fireworks.

It’s suggested maybe there should just be one fireworks show. Matthías agrees that he likes that idea, that there’s one show and if you want to see it you just go to a certain place to watch it. Somebody says “A state show,” and Matthías says “Yeah, the state - or you could have private enterprises bidding on it.”

Eventually Matthías is asked what’s next for Hatari. “What do you do next? It’s a lot of performance art. How can you top yourselves?”

Matthías: “A good question. Well, we’ll probably take one step at a time. There’s an album in January, and a release gig, both an evening show and one the next day with no age limit. It’s all on tix.is, just to mention that. But then the future will show what we end up doing. Personally - well, you don’t want to say too much. But just continuing to surprise, introduce unexpected elements into the staging. We’ve been working with opera singers, a choir, a violin player, an accordion player… just trying to get in new elements, use the dance in a new way, just back to basics, thinking about the staging.

Host: “Will Europe crumble?”

Matthías: “Well, yes. That’s clear and that’s why we named our tour Europe Will Crumble.”

Host asks him about how they’ve got a show for all ages now, and they could hardly have imagined when they started this that they’d have children on board. He brings up Ash Wednesday and all the BDSM children running around.

Matthías: “I didn’t actually see that. But no, we weren’t expecting that. But we were to some extent conscious that we were going to slip away from the audience’s expectations. If we’re part of some scene or some particular demographic is into us, we try to surprise them and throw ourselves into some other scene. So Eurovision was in some ways a part of that. At first it was mainly metal fans who liked it. We went to Eistnaflug and it’s the first time I sing on a real stage that’s not at a bar or something. And after that we start getting more into rap, and publish a song with CYBER, and yeah, we try to demolish expectations.”

Host asks if Hatari have to restrain themselves a bit with the wider age demographic.

Matthías: “Nah, we’re just doing the same we’ve always been doing, and developing that show further. But yeah, of course the audience has changed, and we’re still trying to put our finger on exactly what group it is that’s attending our shows. It depends on the country a bit too, and place in the country. We still haven’t figured out who the typical Hatari fan is today.”

They discuss the current President of Iceland, Guðni Th. Jóhannesson, who is pretty universally beloved.

Matthías is asked for his plans for New Year’s Eve.

Matthías: “I’m getting nut roast at my dad’s, then driving home, where I rent with five cool kids, and we’re having a party. I’ve never done that, hosted a New Year’s party.”

The segment then wraps up pretty quickly after they’ve talked about what they’re doing for New Year’s.

#hatari #matthías tryggvi haraldsson #interview #translation #Anonymous

[rureikia]

Chapter 3

[Previous] [Contents] [Next] 

  Kita wasn't watching me. He was with the handsome shop owner instead, either having a long conversation or helping around, proving what he said earlier to righteously be the truth. 

Currently now, the restaurant only had one group remaining, which was us. 

Though a while ago, I had this phase where I kept looking at my phone to check the time and I'm sure it was a way to hold down my desire to go home as soon as possible. That was until I saw that it only struck 10:00pm.

It was 10 at the time yet everyone was still lively and excited, all except... Me of course...

Well maybe If I ignored the feeling of dread due to Kita being in this same building, I would have actually enjoyed this event a bit more. 

That didn't mean I disliked it, don't get me wrong. I had some fun even though the people around were quite loud and more outgoing than I was, they were still kind enough to converse with whenever they could.

Thus, the goukon was better than I was apprehending. The members were interesting people with interesting pasts, there were jokes and laughter thrown back and forth, then there also the wide range food options this restaurant or shop had. And everything was unquestionably delicious so I ate a lot to the point I felt a little sick.

But it seemed what I loved the most was the drinks... Beer specifically.

Partially the reason why I drank more than my body is used to is because of the peer pressure and to fit with the social group. But the other reason is because I wanted to distract my thoughts off my ex-boyfriend walking around nearby.

I'm not sure why he stayed so late, by now it's already 12. I thought he could have went home to go rest, but  for some reason, he chose not to.

"Excuse me!!" One of the obnoxious guys loudly said to the shop owner, "Miya-san can we have some more drinks please?!"

"Oh my god." I muttered in English, clutching Sumiko's sleeve desperately.

She noticed my dreadful expression in a flash, so did Yuzuru. And thank goodness they both chose to do a good deed for the old pitiful me tonight.

"Haha actually you know? We've finished all our food, right? We should probably get ready to go home." Sumiko said, somehow not drunk as I was.

  At her suggestion, everyone except Yuzuru groans in unison, but fortunately chooses to agree nevertheless. 

  "Yes, I think we should better leave, it's already 12 and a lot of us are going to be busy with work tomorrow." Yuzuru added on.

"Hmm... Now that I think about it, it's true that I have to wake up early for work..." One of the women, said in disappointment, "I guess we should really all split then."

"Awhhh, I'll miss you guys it was so fun... Oh Yuzuru-san, (L/N)-san you guys better keep in contact! You two talked together in secret a lot tonight!! Definitely go something going on over there haha!" That same obnoxious dude exclaims, pointing at us like we were the stars of a show. And he was so damn loud about it the staff members or maybe even Kita probably heard him too.

Yuzuru makes a sheepish expression and turns to face me. But when I looked at him, he was distorted in my eyes to the point he appeared like a blob. That's how drunk I was.

Whilst my chin was still on the table, I accidently let out some untranslatable nonsense and heard everyone laugh in amusement.

.......

We idled around for ten more minutes, sharing each other's contact information although I was too dead-face to do anything, hence why Sumiko had to hand out my number to them alternately.

It was most likely inevitable for me to turn into this state, but in all honesty I wasn't planning to get drunk today. 

I simply wanted to eat a lot and go home carrying the leftovers from here, maybe make some new friends too since this is still a goukon event. However, how come I turned into a soulless and alcohol-induced human despite all those plans? How come nothing goes the way I want it to...? I must be very unlucky or I must be very stupid then — not to mention that out of all the days, my ex-boyfriend decided to walk in this restaurant when I was here.

I was mentally ranting and it took another couple minutes for the others to chit-chats before they all finally paid for the meals and stood up. 

Well, everyone stood. Except me of course.

In fact, my spaced out mind was ever-lovingly busy wondering whether I had human legs that worked or not I began to struggle. 

Then there was also another part of me who was awestruck over not being able to figure out why my body had such a fuzzy sensation. And so I became so immersed in my mysteriously fuzzy feeling in my bloodstream to the point I was too fatigued to move. 

  Ah, just to make my life and everyone else's easier, my vision was also wildly all over the place.

For example, whenever I wanted to do something, I got distracted over the random, colorful shapes that were bouncing on and off the walls. And it felt like everything was a dream as I was surrounded by this a gooey surface that was melting...

I'm glad I wasn't the only person that was influenced from the drinks, but I was most certainly the one that was most affected. It was only Yuzuru that drank the least, not even managing to finish a single can of beer as I was feeding off what felt like a gallon.

"(L/N)? Are you alright? I'll get you to a taxi." Yuzuru says in concern with his hands on my shoulder to try to support me. However, another person stops him from doing anything more.

"Yuzuru-san, I'll take (Y/N), is it okay if you help the others?" Sumiko said quickly, putting her hand on my arms and pulling my head to her chest.

By the way, I wasn't doing anything here, I was more brain dead than the dead.

"A-Are you sure? I am happy to help (L/N) if you struggle." Yuzuru insists in a truly worried tone.

She was always like this, that Sumiko. Ever since high-school she would be highly suspicious over new people that come into direct contact with us, as if she knew something and wanted to protect our territory. That's why as a teenager, I made sure for her to be the one person to not let go of since she is practically my personal body guard.

  "No worries," Sumiko continued, putting me aside on the floor like I was some toy, "The others are staggering too so go help them."

"What about (Y/N)?"

"Hah?! Did you just call her by her first name?" 

Yuzuru gasps, the shakes his hands at her in flustering denial, "N-No that was unintentional!  I-I mean (L/N)-san!! It's because Sumiko-san said it so I said it without realizing!"

"Excuse me?! Did you just call me by first name now?!"

"!!"

  The two were talking or fighting I don't know, but they forgot about me. Therefore I very stealthily crawled away to stand up by myself in an open space.

  "Hnng, my shoes..." I whimpered, aimlessly meandering to locate them.

  My stance was quite wobbly. 

I subsequently tripped over my own foot and stumbled forward into something. To be specific, I stumbled into someone.

  Without me even being spatially aware of my environment, I closed my eyes from the impact and latched my arms around the body. In return, he puts a hand on my back to help me stand still.

It took me less than a moment. I somehow recognised the shape, the height, the scent and most importantly, I recognised the way this guy held onto me, all of which gave me this unique sensation of nostalgia.

Something washed over and I couldn't resist nuzzling my face against this person's chest with a muffled giggle as if I was a young child again.

"..."

"I'll take her home." The guy that's holding my back said.

In shock, Yuzuru stammers, "H-Huh? I'm sorry for my rudeness, but... Who are you?"

Sumiko's mouth opened, with her eyes widening in stun the longer she watched us, "Woah wait you can't be serious – ......Kita-kun is that, you?"

"Huh, Kita-kun? Ayama-san do they know each other?" Yuzuru was in further inquisition, and my friend nods at him slowly in reply, that frozen expression of surprise still plastered her face.

Kita keeps hold of me, this time by effortlessly moving my lifeless corpse to the side of him so he can wrap an arm around my waist. 

"I'm her boyfriend." He bluntly said before Sumiko even managed to explain everything to Yuzuru, "So I'll take her home."

"..." 

It was like they saw the grim reaper walk into the shop.

Everyone went eerily quiet when watching Kita grab my shoes, coat and bag without exchanging any words to the people he didn't know. And once he got all my stuff, we left the shop, no more complications needed.

I was quickly welcomed by the coldness of the concrete beneath my shoeless feet once we both walked out. And obviously, I was still very drunk so I couldn't think of any sentences to to describe my distress of him touching me like that. 

  Essentially, I leaned against Kita's torso very dazed and whined, very timidly.

  To that, I felt Kita stagger just a little bit as my whole body weight was chucked right beside him. And so I watched him without helping myself, whilst experiencing this light-headed sensation that confused the colorful shapes I was seeing to be real-life.

"(Y/N), put your stuff on." Kita said, dropping my shoes on the ground and yet holding on my waist in order to prevent me from falling flat on my face.

I then shoved my feet in my shoes with this tiresome twist, and heard him breathily laugh whilst I was doing so.

My sentences sounded sloppy, but I still succeeded to snap at him in sheer irritation, "What? Why you laugh mister?! Do I look funny to you?!"

"Yes, you wore your shoes the wrong way round." He replies, now helping me put my arms through the holes of my coat, "Hm. Okay, can you walk properly now?"

I made a really big 90 degree bow for a single nod, "Hngh...Yeah..."

"Don't fall." Kita said, hesitantly letting me go.

My body felt weird without his support, unusually unstable. So when I took a step forward I almost fell in an instant.

"Ah! Please help me sir!" I fixed myself back to my normal posture, raising my arms up like a child that wanted to lifted off the ground, "Carry me please!"

"You're heavy. I won't carry you." Kita rejected the request and hurted my heart. He then turned back to me, grasping onto my waist once more.

"Whyyyy...? Why can you not carry me?" I whined, weakly smacking his chest with my flimsy hands, "You used to always carry me on your back..."

He removed my hand and put it back down to my side, "Even back then you were heavy." He mocked.

"... No I was not."

"You were. You probably still are."

"..."

I went hushed. 

  Then fiddling with the sleeves of my coat I sincerely looked up and told Kita, "I was joking with you just now. But it was wrong to insult me like that."

  He ignored me though, which I thought was rather harsh but still handled my drowsy body with consideration.

There wasn't a single moment where Kita made any unnecessary attempts to touch me in places other than my sides, which was just to keep me standing. But even so, I managed to get embarrassed and feel abashed in the ears.

And while we were walking, there were several times where my shoe would plop off and he had to quickly go back to grab it so I could wear it again. Then there was another thing that happened where I started drooling on his arm, so he had to push my forehead away with his finger. 

It was as if the more we noiselessly walked, the more I experienced sadness in his presence. But only my heart spoke that, as my mind was unconscious about it and thought the alcohol was simply just getting into my system.

  Back when me and Kita were dating, there were memories where I had gotten drunk like this before. Though it was always rare, occurring during college nights mainly.

  Sometimes, when you grow into new-born adults, you will get curious over the additionally new environment. There will be times where you can't help but to explore things like certain drinks and certain relationships. 

In my case, it was only ever alcoholic beverages.

  I remember that I didn't really like the taste of beer by itself at first. So whenever I did give in to peer pressure and drank, I couldn't bring myself to finish it. At times, I'd put some soda or cola in it (not making it taste any better, only making it more diluted). Maybe I'd not drink at all and pretend I did by throwing it away or giving it to someone else.

So I was quite weak apparently, that's what the others would call me when they see my makeshift beverage or no beverage in my hands. And I felt more inferior than the rest due to all those teasing and cooing at people alike of me. Now that I think about it as a 24-year-old working woman, I believe I may have been around some rather unfitting people.

Ultimately I'd still try buckle myself up and drink, but have great difficulty attempting to swallow it down as it brought such a strange, burning sensation to the back of my throat. However I wasn't expecting how one drink with a bunch of classmates will suddenly turn into two, two will turn into three, three into four... So on...

Sumiko was the one person that always was with me in these events, and so when I did get drunk she would call Kita from my phone and he'd quickly come pick me up from whatever restaurant I was suffering in.

  Kita would carry me to my apartment on his back, whilst I'd drool on his shoulder like a toddler. Without him raising his voice too much, I would hear him scolding me about how irresponsible I am or maybe how my parents were gonna kill him if they ever found out. But I was so focused on hugging him from behind I half-heartedly let go of what he said only taking account of his caring warmth.

I'd then continue to splutter my drunken words in the most childlike way... All of a sudden, Kita would stop getting angry at me and would join in my strange conversation to keep me company until I sobered up.

.......

"Do you know who I am?" He asks out the blue.

I smacked the roof of my mouth, tasting the alcohol stuck there, "Yeaaaaaah hahahaha..."

"Who am I then?"

Reaching out, I smothered my hand all over his face without him agreeing beforehand, just so I could feel him better. It keeps happening but Kita had to push my hand down with his own spare.

I carried on, "I know that you are Sumiko."

He shook his head, "I'm not."

"Oh then! I know who you are!!" I chirped enthusiastically,

"Who?"

"Ayama Sumiko."

"..."

We didn't have to go very far, my home was conveniently near. It only took a total twenty-five minutes of walking alongside my nonsensical blubber, so there was no transport necessary. Throughout the whole journey, I really was just staggering with Kita's aid. Plus, it was dark too, so I was also doing my best to keep my eyes wide open and not sleep, which all-in-all brought great difficulty.

  Once we arrived, I tried to stay calm.

I was drunk, yes. But I was definitely aware enough to suppress the strong surge deep inside my heart. It was urging me to talk to him longer, but I was holding down everything and deliberately ignored those voices.

  "Do you have your keys?" He asked.

I nodded.

  We were together outside the two story studio apartment building I  was resident in. To make things more simple, I lived in the bottom middle one too, therefore he doesn't need help me up any stairs and can just leave me be.

Maybe if I wasn't so alcohol-induced, I would have been somewhat surprised to know that Kita still remembered where I lived even though we broke up. But now him standing here with me, it didn't feel surprising, just felt drastically more solemn. 

After all, it has been three years since he stood by my door again.

  Kita checks at the door's number and back at my feeble form. Then he moves away and grasps onto my shoulders so he could physically turn me around to look at the door too, "This is where you live right?" 

"Yeah" I faintly said, about to fall asleep at any moment.

  I slouched back, squinting hard at whatever jiggly sight was in front of me for a good couple of seconds, until I could piece everything together.

"Oh that's my apartment. I live there." I pointed with hazed half-grin.

"Good." Kita said, "You can go home from here."

When his hands slid off my shoulders, for some reason I blurted something out in my abnormally drunken state.

"Hng, Kita wait..." I called out shyly.

"What is it?"

I threw on a sincere look, "You used to visit me so much, do you... remember?"

My ex-boyfriend stops in his tracks, barely a meter away from me.

And there was an itching silence lingering between our space,

"... I remember." Kita replied slowly.

I spoke again, practically a mutter, "Everyday. We saw each other, we ate, we walked, we talked, we did everything... And suddenly that had to stop..."

"..."

Right now, as mentioned constantly, I was drunk. 

I could see things currently as a blur, but can still feel emotions quite well, meaning what I just said hurt me with an immense prang in the stomach.

All my sentences are thoughts that would roll off my tongue with no filter. And for a second I sobered up by the absolute slightest, realizing what I told him might have been way too unrefined.

Subsequently, I began to contemplate whether to apologise or not.

"..."

Kita noticed me go soundless. So he put his hands back on my shoulders, forcing me gently to turn around and face him this time. He then moved those same hands back down on my waist, pulling in a mild manner. 

At that moment, he stared at me stoically as though he had made up a decision in his mind and I blinked at him sluggishly in return. All of a sudden, I put my two hands on his face. Each palm on each cheek – and it felt cold due to the wintery temperature we were walking in.

"(Y/N)–" He was taken aback from my actions but I heard his voice stay monotonous and unchanged afterwards.

  "(Y/N), what do you think you're do–"

  I didn't let him finish. I cut Kita off by squishing his cheeks and then laugh out loud like a stupid person.

"Shin-chan smile! I want to see your chubby cheeks again!"

.......

But he doesn't listen to my request. Instead, Kita sighs and removes my two hands by the wrists – then carried on observing me with those dull doe eyes of his.

"(Y/N)." He said my name out in a deep tone.

"Uh-huh?"

"Are you drunk?"

Was I drunk? I asked myself in this very low state where I could see three Kita Shinsukes, one of them being purple.

I had reached out in an attempt to touch purple Kita, but ended up accidentally brushing past his ear instead.

So with that being my evidence, I guiltily looked off to the side, "Probably..."

.......

"If I kiss you will you remember it?"

I made eye contact with him again, doing a big and exaggerated shrug, "Mm...Don't know..." 

He goes silent to think, building up tension for himself only as I was still partially lost in space. But after ten seconds of his heavy self-contemplation, finally, he proceeds speaking...

"If you remember... Call me."

In a delayed manner, Kita's hands pulled me even closer towards his torso, our gap closing up completely, whereas my own arms laid beside my sides with zero sense of movement.

He gazed at me extremely carefully, analysing every angle of my face as if he was checking to see whether I was truly his previous ex-girlfriend.

"(Y/N) when you're drunk, you're extra obedient." He exhales a sigh of relief with the most kind smile and my ears went flushed red.

  "You haven't changed one bit." Kita whispered, his hot breath tickling my skin. And his breathing only got even more vivid when he inched nearer to reach my level.

Very soon, my eyes automatically shut once he decided to kiss me on the lips.

"..."

To my surprise, it was much more affectionate and tender than what I can remember from the past. But that's probably because it has been a while since I received a kiss like this from him, therefore I may have also forgotten the feeling of being touch-starved of Kita.

Yet, I wasn't rejecting how he moved his lips against mine earnestly and longingly...

I didn't take note of how it was a rather long kiss either.

  ...If I had to describe what type of kiss we shared, it would be similar to drinking a cold bottle of water during a frustratingly hot summer night in one huge gulp, and one massive breath...

That's what it felt like. 

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[wiggly-blue-shite]

Chapter 14 The Bell Doesn’t Dismiss You (Tedgens)

Hey there's a couple slurs that are gonna be thrown around a little later. Also some really bad parenting soooo Yeah. Heads up.

"I'm definitely Bi." I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know how I got here. I don't know how I got this lucky. I don't deserve this. Somethings going to go wrong. Good things aren't usually very permanent in my life.

"What did you lie about?" Henry looks almost scared. I probably shouldn't have phrased it like that. I don't I just thought it was a decent line.

I don't know how to phrase it, without it sounding off.

"You were the one who made me question..." Henry's smiling so much. I forgot what I was going to say. His smile is just so perfect. "You're adorable."

"I could say the same thing about you." Henry giggles. Just when I think he can't get more adorable he does.

"Can I kiss you again?" I don't know how I've resisted him for this long. I went almost an hour without kissing him, that's pretty impressive, I would say.

Henry nods with that dorky smile still plastered on his face. My heart feels like it's exploding, in like a good way.

I lean in and kiss him. He kisses back. His lips are so soft. Wow.

He wraps his arms around my neck pulling me closer to him. I instinctually put my arms around his waist. This is far more comfortable. I think this is the most pleasant kiss I've experienced in months. No one's drunk or crying! It's just pleasant. Everything is good in this moment.

I pull away for a second to catch my breath. Henry starts to move me backwards. My back hits the wall. Henry starts pushing into me more. My heart rate starts slowing down.

Henry pulls away for a second and looks me in the eyes. He starts to laugh. He steps away and leans up against the counter.

Did I do something wrong? Why is he laughing? God damnit.

"This isn't real." Henry starts laughing. He keeps laughing. That's the laugh of someone who is deeply sad. I've heard it before, in a couple of different people.

"I sure hope it is." I find that I am still up against the wall. I adjust my posture so I'm standing less awkwardly.

I never did understand that kind of mentality: The "this isn't real" thought process. I don't really have vivid dreams so I guess I don't have a good reference point. Just you're life is so definite, you are conscious. I don't understand how anyone could every doubt that. What's happening is happening. Denial is bad for everyone.

"Because I've lived my whole life, had my whole life up to this point and time. It would really suck if none of that was real." I know if that makes sense. I might just be spouting nonsense at Henry. Henry doesn't say anything. He looks back at me with almost a surprised expression. "I'm capable of existential thoughts, Henry." Not that I experience them that often.

Henry nods and kind of looks off. I walk over to him. There's a little bit of curly hair in his face, so I move it. Henry looks me in the eyes.

"So this is real. All of today happened." He seems unsure. He's so intelligent, you would think that stuff like this wouldn't be a problem for him.

"I'm pretty sure." I smile. Henry smiles back at me. I peak him on the nose. Henry reverts back to bright red.

We kind of just stand there smiling at each other. I familiarize myself with every detail of his face. He is unnecessarily attractive.

"Oh shit I smeared your lipstick." Henry starts rubbing the outline of my mouth. I could melt. I know he's trying to rub off the makeup, but I don't know. It feels intimate.

"I honestly completely forgot I had this on." I paid the pizza guy like this. And he didn't even bat an eye. He was either pretty progressive or did not give two shits.

Henry smiles a little. He stops rubbing my face. We stand in a comfortable silence, just staring at each other.

"So what do you want to do now?"

A lot of things...

No that would probably hurt him. I don't want to hurt his feelings. We can just have some good wholesome fun.

"Want to watch a movie?" I shrug slightly. Something low energy sounds really nice. It's been a long day and it would be really nice to relax.

Henry's eyes light up.

"West Side Story! I want to watch West Side Story!" Henry looks like he just realized that he yelled that out. "It's on Netflix." I can't help but to laugh. He's such a dork. It's really adorable. "Don't laugh at me." Henry does a little fake offended voice. He pushes me playfully. I want to grab his arm and pull him into another kiss, but I decide against it.

"I'm not!" I would say I was laughing with him but he wasn't laughing so that doesn't really work.

"Yes you are!" He's like a little kid.

"I'm not even laughing." It's good that I'm basically just a little kid too. The perfect balance of subtle immaturity.

"You were!" Henry takes a step towards me like he's trying to be intimidating. He maybe taller than me, but he's too cute to be intimidating, in this moment at least.

"Prove it." I take a step as well so we're head to head, less than a foot apart. We stare at each other, just waiting for someone to make a move. This tension is... interesting.

"Sooo, West Side Story." Henry finally breaks the silence. He smiles.

"Sounds good." If he enjoys it, it's probably a pretty good show. He seems like a pretty cultured guy, for the most part.

"Great!" I love his smile so much. I don't know what it is. It's just so perfect.

During the movie, I was able to pull off the arm around the shoulder thing. That lead to him leaning into me. It was so warm and nice. I don't know.

I don't know how I ever thought I was straight. I guess I didn't really know Henry. Henry might be the only guy I'm attracted to. But there was...

"I feel pretty

Oh, so pretty" Henry hums along.

"You are pretty." I can't stop myself from whispering in his ear. I can feel his face heat up from here.

"I feel pretty, and witty and gay"

"Pretty, witty and gay? That sounds familiar." It's not that I don't like the movie, it's just very serious at times. And yeah blah blah blah Romeo and Juliet, tragedy and whatever. But I'm just saying I would pay to see a version of this that's just the funny happy parts. A two hour long version of America.

"Shhhhh watch the movie." He's enjoying it. I came here for him, it's important that he's enjoying himself.

Henry head rests on my shoulder. I don't want to move, ever. I just want to stay like this, then one day I'll die, and it would have been a good life.

The movie ends. Henry looks up at me with big old puppy eyed waiting for my response.

"It was good." Romeo and Juliet is not my story. They just seem kind of naive. "I like the music."

"The music is the important part, at least in this one." I feel a rant coming on, "Leonard Bernstein is a genius. The music of this show is just so beautiful. The classical and the Latin music just." Henry makes some noises that I assume mean that it's too good for words, but I'm paraphrasing gibberish. "I don't know how to explain it."

"We'll just have to watch it again sometime." I smile down at him. He looks really happy. I'm really happy. This is just good.

I see something light up out of the corner of my eye. Shit my phone.

I've been getting messages and shit this whole time and I haven't been responding.

17 missed calls, 10 voicemails, and 59 text messages. Wow you would think someone died. Wait did someone die.

Mom: Get home now. We need to talk.

Keith: Who do you fucking think you are

He's in my fucking house again. What does that bastard think he's doing. I wish my mom fucking stayed away from him. He doesn't do anything but drink and scream. He doesn't pay rent. I don't think he has a fucking job.

What are they even mad about. What could I have possibly done. He's mad when I'm there, and he's mad when I'm not. He usually doesn't  care when I spend nights at other people's houses.

Keith: You disgust me

Like you're any better.

Mom: What is this

She sent me the picture I had taken with the makeup. Shit. Why did I post that. Fuck. I'm such a fucking idiot.

Keith: I knew you were a fucking faggot

Mom: Get home now

I'm scared to listen to the voicemails. I don't want to go home. Keith's definitely drunk. I want to go help mom but, she'll probably scream. I can't go home right now.

"Hey can I spend the night here?" I shouldn't load this on Henry. But I feel safe here. "I sleep on the couch."

"Yeah is everything alright?" Henry seems so genuinely concerned. He's not bill or Paul, he doesn't know the drill yet. I'm kind of sad he had to learn about this so early on.

"I just can't go home."

#tgwdlm #tedgens #the bell doesnt dismiss you #fanfic

[drkamalkhurana]

Relationship Conflicts as perceived by a woman - Relationship Counselor in Delhi - Dr Kamal Khurana

I thought of sharing this post because i see a common pattern with almost all of the woman clients who approach me for their relationship issues. It is important to keep in mind that only those couples seek help who are facing difficulty in relationships - Right ?. This means that there are plenty of people (both men and women) who naturally know how to relate to each other's emotions and needs. And if you are reading this blog, most probably you too must be seeking some help. The intention behind this blog is to help men have the needed awareness about how a woman feels when her man is unable to comprehend her pain. It doesn't mean that the man doesn't have his challenges. Certainly he does !.  Women too are unable to express their deeper emotions in a way that the man understands. Just that he is unable to sense the gravity of her feelings. He has his own set of survival mechanisms and defense mechanisms, which work for him. But that's not the case with her. The only remedy to this conflict is 'understanding' - Under Standing or Standing Under. I mean that for a while, if a man can park his concepts aside, and acknowledges her emotions while assuring her that he will support her with his best capacity, he can crack a solution. He too needs to share his perspective without blaming her and yes he too needs to seek support. Only when he acknowledges her emotions, he can express his concern and seek support. Since all of us communicate with our partners in the styles and biases that we have observed & learned in our childhood, we are unable to see flaws in our own communication.

Here is an opportunity for men to comprehend what a woman feels. Following are her challenges as she faces them -  

1. Difficulty in handling his emotions  

The first challenge is that she is clueless on how to handle his emotion, how to understand him. This happens because she is aware that he is also going through emotional challenges but he chooses not to own them or express them. She is constantly struggling with the question - "How do I bring him to a level where both can unite as a team and make resolve everything? "

She then tries a whole lot of ways and tries to convince him that there are issues between them. She forwards articles or videos related to the concerns trying to prove that they are valid issues which need resolution. But mostly he finds them impractical because it is difficult for him to take inputs. It is not his fault when if he finds them rubbish because he is unable to comprehend and says why is she making a big fuss about such small things. He doesn't realize that it's not about making him bend. Yet when he takes it all personally there is way out.

2. Difficulty in managing his reactions.  

Despite all her efforts, she is unable to sort out things on time. She can foresee that with passing time, all the negative experiences get piled up and form a void which goes on increasing. On one hand, she is aware that he too wants peace and love, but when he is unable to she uses all the different way like communicating nicely, pleading, crying, allowing anger outburst and loving too much as well. And then she gets confused when nothing works. She is unable to understand him, because whenever she shares some emotion he finds it as a blame or perceives it as his failure and then he defends. She goes into the loop of following questions -  

How to break his defense mechanism ?

Why does he get in denial mode ?

Why does he operate from ego - and puts conditions - My way or highway ?

Why does he talk one sided ?

Why does he not to work like a team ?

How to make it work with him ?

How to make myself so well equipped that he becomes willing to deal with conflicts ?

Why does even physical intimacy not work with him ?

3. Difficulty responding to his back and forth attitude towards the relationship.  

The man goes back and forth from operating from ego position and suddenly expressing his willingness to care for the woman. It's seems to her, that he has two personalities. It's like a fight that he is having in his own mind - a fight between the heart and the head. He is struggling between the logic (his beliefs regarding what's right and what's wrong) and his need to have the love of his woman. Following are the two sides of him that the woman faces -

When there's an argument he doesn’t speak anything for some days(thinking that it's better to avoid confrontation imagining that everything will subside on its own).  

Someday his vulnerable side bursts out and he says "nobody understands me".

He thinks his woman judges him, and she doesn't look at his positive side and positive actions towards her.

He doesn’t know how to communicate and that reflects in his expressions.

He doesn’t know how to deal yet he assures that everything will get sorted with time.

Sometimes he says that these all are minor issues which should be ignored.

He mentions that he can't take females who are dominating and are not ready to  understand.

Within himself he does want to solve things but finds it as never ending emotional struggle which he feels like running away from.

He sometimes makes attempts to express his care and concern, but the moment she wants to initiate the discussion, he gets frustrated and reacts. And his reaction sometimes reaches an extreme.

With all the back and forth she sees her trust and respect for him going and moves her to walk off.

Her helplessness is perceived as her ego and unnecessary exaggeration.  

4. Dilemma of the woman  

A day comes when she gathers courage and thinks of taking a break without having any strong urge to end the relationship. She continues to have hope till the end that may be someday he will understand. At the same time she deals with an insecurity that if she goes back will it become good. She has a unable to curb her desire to resolve issues and make her attempts by responding to his calls thinking that the gap of few days would have given him a chance to realize his part. She goes through following doubts that keep on running in her mind -  

I could have dealt the situation with a little more maturity and composure

Could i have addressed his set of complaints which majorly is about 'talking politely and respectfully' ?  

Should I initiate the communication ?

If i initiate the communication, will he value me less and think that it's my need and i am desperate ?  

Should I have been a little less loud because he can't take criticism ?

When he asks me to come back, should i trust his words that he will handle the issue and meet my needs ?

Way Out for a Man

1. Understand & respect her emotion

Indeed she goes through all of the above, but there is a need to understand a man's mind as well. He is continuously looking at solutions instead of looking at the cause. And he is unable to understand how can an emotional experience be a cause big enough. As per him what has happened in the past should be forgotten and forgiven. He thinks one should move on. He actually can't cry long for a lost watch for long. But for a woman it's about her emotions connected to the watch. The funny thing is that if it was him who had gifted her that watch on some occasion, she values the feeling about the watch more than the anything. If he says forget it, why are you crying on that watch, i will get you a new one, she would perceive this as not valuing her emotions. His mind looks more at a logical level instead of understanding and acknowledging woman's emotions. Sometimes it's not about what's wrong and what's right. She just wants to listen - "Yeah i understand, I am with you. Let's see what best we can do for this." So in the example of the watch if he can actually feel that losing that very watch is a loss of memories, he can win heart. And he can't fake it. He needs to actually see similar situations in his own life as well. For an example if he works hard for a project and his boss doesn't give him any credit and says that it is a part of his responsibility (which logically is), then what forces him to look for job outside. Despite good positions why so many people resign. There is some x-factor (which is certainly emotion driven) that makes a man resign even when he is paid well as per the role.  

It is actually very simple to care for her emotions, but at the same time it's difficult for him to get over his own obstinacy of how can he be wrong. The best part is that logically he is right and she knows it.   Both men and women are unaware of the cognitive biases that both of them possess. Yet there's a fundamental difference in thinking style. She wants her emotions to be acknowledged instead of being rejected and instead of being told that this all is unnecessary drama over a negligible thing that can be ignored.      

On the other hand a man expects that things can be sorted with being emotional. He then expects his logic to be accepted without realizing that it may not be the case every time.

2. Be there for her and take a stand for her

At a logical level she may be incorrect in her approach, in her expectation, but if the man stands for her at that very point, he can gain her trust. This way he creates an opportunity to share his view as well. An old saying, it's better to lose the battle than losing the war. She needs support at that very moment, and she wants to stand tall with her man backing her up. Instead of winning the argument, if the man supports her, he can win her. But yeah most men who get stuck at the intellectual level are never able to relish relationships. Relationships are way more about giving than asking. Lots of schools of psychology talk about respecting the self and needs of own self. But where is it written that your partner is not a part of your own self. It is inclusion that works with woman. And those men who look at them being included first or operate from logical level, learn it later. It is more of how the cycle than measuring who does more and who does less. And the cycle starts from man caring for his woman's emotions which results in her supporting him and so on the cycle goes on.

3. Pamper her like a child

However matured she may appear on her career front, she is a child at heart. She expects to be treated withe care, sensitivity and affection. Be hard with her, however correct you are, you lose her. On the other hand take care of her like a baby and she will start depending on you more. It is only love gestures that she longs for, even in the middle of any argument or difficulty. A man may argue that he needs to be cared as well. But that is a reward for his actions. Care for him comes as a consequence of his sensitivity. There are a lot of articles around concept of masculine and feminine energies. It's like a chicken and egg question. But whatever is said, it has been always expected from a man to take the lead to care for her. And what's wrong about it when it is the only way. I get across many men who question me - why should men only every time say sorry or care ? And then i answer to them that why should sun shine first and give the light and be the power source for all the planets. And then the planets revolve around the sun because of its unconditional spreading of light. Every human has a right to exercise his / her choice. Eventually there are consequences. A wise is one who learns and is open to inputs. The way there are laws of nature, the same way if you want love for a woman, pamper her like a baby instead of justifying, defending, arguing or proving her wrong and see the results. And as always i will say that you can't have a negative image of her and do things for the heck of it. She can always sense that you are faking it.  

What can a woman do from her end

1.  She needs to attempt talking in bullet points

Since his brain looks for solutions and acts at task level, she needs to give him bullet points around what she wants. He needs practical - doable one liner tasks that are within his reach. If a woman tells him, i am not happy, she expects him to know what she wants. And that's where he becomes handicapped and finally frustrated.

2. She needs to talk only when she is composed

He creates his dream world where it is all about winning and being confident and never being vulnerable. Look at all the motivation videos from the business world, don't they promote "Go do it" approach, Never cry on failure, You have to win anyhow". Do you ever see any motivational video talking about being sensitive. What are they consuming all the time - success, strength, courage, victory - Isn't it ?

So most man when they see her woman crying for long, those who are unaware what to do, tend to run away or negate the emotional aspect of the problem.  

3. She needs to explain the logic behind what she wants firmly yet respectfully

Indeed you need to explain the logic behind what you want. And you need to share the logic with confidence while being firm and respectful at the same time. In most cases, when a man sees that a woman is not giving the logic behind and not stressing the validity of that logic for her, he finds it irrelevant.

If you are a man and reading this article, a piece of really valuable advice.

Please don't call your woman and ask her to read her part. She still will find it very hard to express logical steps to you and it's only you who has to decipher her needs. It is like hatching of an egg. You can't be in a hurry. You need to give the needed warmth and then life comes out on it's own. You need to be there for her acknowledging her emotions and after some time she will give you the hints to what she wants. Just go on following the thread and you will win for sure. Trust me.  

To conclude be it a man or  woman. those who are open to inputs and have a sense of collaboration create opportunities to form a team.

#relationship counselor in delhi #relationship counselling

[peterparkesfluff-blog]

Let Me Help You (Part 1)

Spidey Imagine (hopefully this idea wasn't written before, if so, I’m sorry)

Living is with an abusive family member was the worst thing that could happen to a teenager who only seeks happiness and redemption . You were living in this endless nightmare that you hoped it will end when you go to college , but because of how things were , you were losing the hope of going to college or even getting a job in the future . You weren't just losing hope , but you were giving up on yourself as well . Things got worse and worse , at school you couldn't concentrate and be that A+ girl that you were once , you lost your friends with no specific reason , but inside you knew that it was probably because you didn't fit in anymore , you weren't smart anymore , you weren't beautiful anymore , nothing was the same . It all started when your sister died , your parents got divorced and yes , at first it was painful for everyone , but you were an united family till at some point when your mom decided that she deserves someone better than your dad , and that's how your life turned upside down , your whole world crashed on your shoulders . The violence began and there was no stopping it , as it turned out , you couldn't let yourself not loving your dad and that was eating you alive because everytime you looked into his eyes , you saw no remorse , no mercy , like he wanted you to fall apart , but there were quiet days , when nothing happened and as the stupid girl that you were , you thought that maybe things will stop and begin to get better .. The homecoming was close enough and there was that little hopeful part of you that still remained inside that maybe the boy you were in loved with and also your neighbour , will ask you to come with him , but of course , that didn't happen . You and Peter were close friends since you moved in the neighbourhood , you were going with him to school , studying together , along with Ned sometimes, watching Star Wars and having debatings , building the Death Star , everything . You , Peter , Ned , even MJ and Liz Allen and the rest of the group were the nerds of the school , but having one another helped getting through the bullying and everything . But I guess , after the death of your sister , you izolated yourself for a while and they understood , but things never came back to normal , not even Peter , he changed a lot in the last 8 months , he was always dissapearing , sometimes at night he was sneaking out causing you to wake up , but you never actually saw him , you just heard the window scratching as usually like when you were coming to study nights . Also , when you were trying to have a conversation with him , he always seemed so tensed and stressed , and you decided to give him a break , maybe something happened to him and he needs time like you did . So you thought , till the homecoming finally was finally here . Still dissapointed and hurt that Peter didn't even bother to ask if you're going , or anyone from the ''nerds '' , you decided to go and talk to them like old times . Poor you , hopeful that someone will talk to you . Being there was the worst decision that you ever made and you instantly regreted it . Not even an hour in homecoming and something already happen . As you walked in , kind of happy you didn't drawn attention because your dress wasn't a big deal , you saw your group and you smiled at the sight of them being together , reminding you of old times . As you got closer , your breath hitched in your throat when you saw Peter and Liz dancing , so close and they seem so happy . You swallowed hard , thinking of the nights when Peter talked about Liz and you gladly listened to him till at some point when you realized that you feel less and less happy when he talked about her like she was the only one , i mean , yeah , Liz was so beautiful , smart , caring and one of your closest friends , it hurted when you admitted to yourself that she was the one for Peter , maybe you and Peter weren't meant to be , but that didn't stopped the developing of your feelings for him .You stopped for a second and then kept walking , hopefully MJ and Ned will talk to you .

''hey '' you said as you approched them . It took them a second to realize who was talking to them . MJ greeted back , simply as usual , and Ned stuttered as he said ''hi '' back .

'' what are you guys doing-''

'' im just gonna go and get myself a nice piece of cake '' MJ said as she walked away . You weren't surprised , that was MJ , at least she stayed the same . YOu turned to Ned to finish your sentence , but he excused himself to go and talk to Peter , leaving you alone . You sighed to yourself and watched the others dancing . just staying there , like an idiot . You tried to avoid looking at Peter and Liz , and focusing on other pairs . Standing there , alone made you realize how worthless you are , and how your life ended in the moment your family fell apart . YOu bit your lower lip , trying not to brust into crying . You felt your throat clentching at how much pain you were feeling . This was your only chance to prove yourself wrong , but you spectaculary failed , like every other times . You couldn't stand it anymore , that feeling of failure and worthlessness . ''It's my fault '' , you thought to yourself as you were walking fast out of the gym , covering your mouth and holding your stomach as you let all that pain in . You arrived home , quietly not to wake your father , that was missing , him to wake up and hit you . You closed your bedroom' door as you began to silently cry . The fact that you couldn't even cry properly to let everything out made it even worse . After a few minutes, everything was silent and numb . For a while you just sat in your room , analyzing the situation and this time you didn't find any solution and it began not to hurt anymore . There was only one avaliable and you hardly admitted it to yourself , in the end , giving in and accepting the fact that it was over . You took off your dress and dressed normal , took your jacket ,scarf and beanie . As you walked up to the roof , you looked at the city and its beautiful lights . On the roof , you took a good look at the clear sky , seeing the stars , remembering how you used to come with your sister and always trying to count them . A smlie that faded appeared on your face . You walked to the edge and for one last time you looked at the town , breathing the cold air , tears spilling out of your eyes as for th last time you searched for hope , but this time it was over , and you lost . You looked at your feet and down the street , some whimpers of pain escaping your mouth ,you closed your eyes and calmed down , waiting for the perfect moment to jump . Minutes has passed , and your brain brought all the negative thoughts , giving you all the reasons , till suddenly you felt a hand on your right shoulder and heard a soft, calm voice from behind saying `` Don't jump'' . Your eyes widened and you didn't look back till from the corner on your eyes you could see a figure dressed in red and blue . Slowly you turned your head towards the person . It was the one and only Spider-man . It was shocking ,he was real after all . Many people claimed to saw him but you never did so it was a doubt . You swallowed quickly as even through the mask you could see that he was sad . You looked at him a bit , still processing what happened . You shaked your head in denial and close your eyes , turning your head back in the initial position .

''why not ?'' you asked more like a whisper , you could barely speak with your sore throat . He didn't sat anything , he was trying to understand the situation .

''i just don't see a point.. '' you cried , finally admitting to someone , even if you didn't know who he was . He was next to you , a little behind , but he could see your face . Behind the mask , Peter was scared , so scared and panicked , he could feel the tears threatening the corner of his eyes . ''How could I let this happen '' he asked himself in dissapointment . He shaked his head and focused on the situation and what he should to say . For the first time , Spider-man was speechless and had no idea what to do . '' I'm just drowning ..'' you said once more . He didn't know what he was doing, but he softly took your hand and place it on his chest . Still not looking at him , he said ''you feel it..?'' as your fingertips felt his rushed heartbeat . You didn't know what to say . '' It beats , for a purpose ..o-okay ?'' . You frowned and clentched your jawline , warm and salty tears still streaming down your red cheeks . ''we can try and fix this ..t-together.. alright? we can do it together , i'll help you , i promise '' . You felt your chest exploding at his words , and especially at the word ''together'' . With your hands still in his , you turned around carefully not to lose your balance . He helped you stand on your feet and in the same time you quickly hugged each other , his body was still shaking and he left a releaved sigh as he brought the back of your head closer . It's weird how a hug from a stranger can change so much , but you let it happen , you let it in just like everything .

After maybe half an hour or maybe more , you were back in your room with as well-said Spider-man . Well,kind of in your room , he was just at the window with your little cold hands in his .

''Look ,i gotta go to solve some big problems and prevent some chaos that might come over Queens ,but-`` he said slightly squizzing your hands tighter ''i promise you , i will come back and then maybe , if you want , we can..we can talk, but only if you want , its not like an oblig-'' he kept strumbling over words so you decided to nicely intrerupt him

''I'd like to '' you said softly and slightly shaking your head ''Now just go and save us '' you gave him a tired smile before he took off . You could see him swinging from building to building heading god knows where . Carefully enough you closed the window and sat on your bed in the dark , exhaling that breath you were holding for hours . Looks like part of you was afraid that you might actually end your suffering forever . You covered your closed eyes with your cold hands because they were burning from crying and from all the overwhelming emotions that you felt in one night . You took your boots off and dragged your body up in the bed . you wanted to stay awake but you were so exhausted and you needed rest , so eventually your mind gave in and fell asleep .

In the morning , being the first day of your week off , you woke up with the worst headache and your stomach was screaming for food . Still in the clothes you had from the earlier night you got off from bed , whimpering because of the pain from the headache, you brought your hand up to your forehead and held it there a bit . Standing up hurted more and you felt like your head just exploded . You leaned into the desk from your right with your eyes shut and then you tried opening them slowly so the day light won't hurt that much . As you opened them you noticed a strange bag right next to your window and surely wasn't yours . It was a bag full of mostly junk food and a smoothie , they never smelled better . You turned the package around and on its side was written '' I didn't want to wake you up . Hope this will cheer you up a bit . Hope to see you at 9pm . Spider-man '' . You simply smiled at the kind gesture .

Peter, on the other hand , was a completely mess . Confused, hurt, both pshyhically and mentally , exhausted and the most , he was terrified because of what he witnessed . His best friend, his first friend he ever had could've been gone in this moment if it wasn't for Spider-man to show up . He was finally home, in his bathroom , cleaning one of his injury he's just got . Frustrated tears filled his tired eyes as a frown etches its way onto his face . In his mind , only flashbacks of childhood and teenage memories he had with you . He shut his eyes closed and got a strong grip of the edges of the sink , his head bowing down . How could he not notice ? He felt alone and guilty . He couldn't blame anyone else but himself . Hours later , he felt like he was going to break so he thought about telling someone about what happened to you . It wasn't okay and someone should know . As May passed his bedroom ,he thought about telling her , maybe she could give him some good advice or even maybe help y/n . He kept thinking for a bit , assuring himself that nothing bad is going to happen if he does this . He went to the kitchen , where May spends most of her time , she was cooking something of course , her back facing Peter . Peter cleared his throat before he started talking .

''hey may ? '' he simply asked . She was really concentrated and determinated to finish the dish she was currently cooking , so she quickly turned around and replied ''yeah ? what's up ? already bored in your week off ? '' .

''Um , no..'' Peter stated as he approched May . He was standing next to her with his arms helping him lean on the kitchen sink . ''..there is this thin-situation actually where I simply...don't know what to do '' Peter rambled with his voice trembling every word making aunt May to turn her head straight to him , seeing how sad he actually is . Her mouth was slightly open and wrinkles of worry etched onto her forehead . She dropped everything that she was doing and took a few steps to get a closer look to Peter .

''What happened ?'' her voice was soft, caring in her tone, worry in her voice . Peter sat down on the cozy couch , his head still down , looking at the floor . May was still standing in front of him close enough for Peter to lean his head on her , her hand gently carresing his back . '' I screwed it up..'' he stated, May didn't said anything, she gave him time to tell her .

''It's abou-...''he could feel the tears forming at the corner of his eyes . Too much was going on in his life as well . He rubbed his hands together as he felt another wave of tears fleeding his eyes . ''It's about Y/n '' He breathed out , swallowing hard and closing his eyes shut .

''y/n ? like y/n , your y/n ? '' May's voice rised a bit , surprised that Peter finally talked about her, May noticed that Peter didn't say anything about her for a while , or even seeing each other as they used to . Aunt May always saw you in the mornings because you were always late to school , sometimes you chatted ,but since things with Peter were off you kinda didn't see a point of bothering May too . Peter nodded as May looked at him with sad eyes, he looked drained and exhausted . She gently sat right beside him, her hand not leaving his back as she kept tracing paterns on Peter's back .

''Do you wanna talk about it ?'' She asked calmly . He took a deep breath in , closing his eyes once again remembering the whole thing , realizing how much he ignored you the past few months , there were those small moments where you just walked up to him in the cantin and he just found lame excuses to leave , not because of you , but because of what was happening to him and the city , he never meant any harm especially to you or anyone . He realized how many times he turned you down, just like the others , you needed them, not them, but Peter to be there for you just like you were there when uncle Ben died . If it wasn't for Spider-man , a stranger to show up , you would've died alone . With a shaky breath he started telling aunt may what happened , of course , avoiding the spider-man parts and replacing them with him needing some time alone on the roof because things didn't go so well at the Homecoming . Aunt May wasn't just upset of what she just heard , but she was terryfied that she was right all along . She knew that your dad wasn't doing well and from time to time it happened to hear things breaking down the building , it happened sometimes to see a lightly bruise on your cheek or the tiredness on your face from the lacks of sleeping .

''May , you okay ?'' Peter asked . May was a few steps away , her back facing Peter once again .

''Yeah, i'm okay, i'm fine , i just-it's a lot to take in , that's it ''

There was a long silence in their apartament , only some heavy sighs filling the room , till May spoke up .

''Maybe we should invite her to dinner ..tonight ? But without mentioning anyhting about what happened , it's better that way ''

Peter looked at the clock . 8.30pm . He had to go and see y/n in 30 mins , i mean Spider-man has to .

''I'll try and talk to her '' He lied , heading to his room leaving May to prepare dinner .

Meanwhile , you were just sitting in your room, in the dark as always , laying on your bed while you listened to music . The day passed really slow but you were too tired so you mostly napped through it . You knew that in 30 minutes you had to go on the roof and meet your new found friend , Spider-man .

At 9pm you were going up the fire escape , slightly shivering because of the cold of January . You were surprised when you saw Spider-man already there ,his back was facing you so you just simply said ''hey'' making him jump and turn around in a split of a second . You raised your left arm apparently with a bag , different from the one he gave it to you . ''Thought you might be hungry '' you simply stated , giving him a small smile . You could tell that he was surprised at your kind of calm, steady attitude compared to yesterday, but he knew that it was just temporary and inside you were breaking . He came closer , his body language showing you that he was a bit nervous , or maybe he has no idea what to do . You handed him the bag and he awkwardly took it . ''Get it together , Peter'' his voice ringing in his head .

''Thanks-Thank you ..'' he stuttered remembering you of Peter . ''i'll eat it later, it just-i can't really eat with my mask on and yeah..''

''oh...no ,it's fine ..i should've thought about it ..''

There was this awkward silence between you two, you could feel him staring at you but you looked at the city trying to avoid the eye contact , it was always intimidating . You decided to end it because your chest felt like a bomb about to go off .

''so did you sav-''you were intrerupted by the sudden hug he was giving you . His muscular arms wrapped around your back bringing you closer . This time the person who needed a hug wasn't you , was the person behind the mask . Your mind was blocked for a few seconds , it was still processing what just happened . You hugged back feeling the warmth of his body that slightly stopped your shivering . He pulled away just enough to be at a resonable distance .

''I'm sorry , I just believe that you deserve more of those ..'' he said with a lower voice . The words hitted you hard . Did you ? Do you actually deserve them ? You mumbled a 'thanks' because you didn't know what to say . You sighed because you had so much to tell him but you didn't know if he wanted to hear it .

Accidentally , you both started talking in the same time .

''Look, I-'' you stopped and giggled at the fact that you said the same things .

''You first '' he pleaded .

'' I was going to...thank you , for the other night , where I-um..you know ..''you trembled every word and you hated yourself for that . You were that kind of person that even if you're dead inside or even sad , you act like nothing had happened , more like you didn't want to remember . Behind the mask Peter was seriously speechless, he had no clue what he should do nor say .

''I just ..i'm having a hard time lately and things became too rough , out of my control and i guess, stupid me thought of a way to ..escape ? i don-i don't really know ..'' you said .

''I don't want you to thank me for anything that i did last night ...i just...i just wanna know..'' Peter was trying his best not to give in or let his Peter Parker voice out . His voice was clearly shaking so he swallowed to get it togheter .

''I'd like to know why...''he said it more like a whisper but it was loud enough for you to hear it . He saw that you were staring at him with your lips slightly parted . For a moment , you were analyzing him and what he said . You pursed your lips and shoved your frozen hands in your pocket , your eyes not leaving the masked hero .

''I mean-I mean if that's okay , i don't want to push anything or make you uncomfortable...i'm just worried ..'' he quickly stated .

''worried? worried about me ? '' you didn't mean to sound harsh ,but you wanted some truthful facts .

''yeah..about you..and what would've happened if i wasn't here ..last night ..'' every word he said made you realize that if he wasn't there , you wouldn't be here right now . You looked down at your feet , thinking for a second '' should i tell him ? '' . Long silence between you two , only the sound of cars driving was heard .

''well..spider-man , would you like to hear my story ?'' you said with a less confident steem .

And that's how it started , you told him the essential things , but you stopped when it came about your father . He was a fight-crime hero ,he would try to stop your dad or the worst case scenario , he would take him away from you and the thought of being alone , since your mother left far away without the desire of seeing you or your father ever again . So you didn't tell him . You just said you aren't close as you used to be and things aren't going to get better between you and and your father . Also you didn't mention anyhting about Peter or your friends , you just said that you drifted apart .

In the end, after you finished his bag of junk food since he insisted you to eat and you were never the kind of type who refuses food .

'' is it okay if we are going to meet again ? '' he shyly asked . You felt this spark of joy in your chest . He wanted to talk to you again , he wanted to listen .

''sure..but ..uhm..if it's not much to ask , do you have a name ? like , i feel bad calling you Spider-man , plus it's too long '' you chuckled at the end .

''oh , is it now ? '' he sarcastically said . '' how about Anakin ? how does that sound to you ?'' he laughed .

''Star Wars much ? '' you teased raising an eyebrow at him .

''I'll see you, y/n'' he waved before he swinged to another building .

Back in your room this time with the lights on , you were sitting on your chair with your head titled up staring at the celling . That night was nice . Few minutes , you heard a knock at the door and since your father never bothers to answer , you sat up and walked to the door . When you opened it your heart stopped . It was May . You frowned and your jaw dropped and then you frowned again .

''May?? ..oh my god , hey '' you looked around the room making sure your dad doesn't come and you stepped out the door , closing it behind you .

''wh-what brings you here ?'' you said as you hugged her back . wow , you missed her hugs and her pep talks . late girl nights because peter was the first to fall asleep .

''well..'' she said with a big bright smile . ''i cooked thai food , your favourite and i thought maybe...you wanna have dinner with us ? '' she hopefully asked .

''us ? like us ? you , me and peter us ? '' you stuttered .

Her smile began to slowly fade and you hated to see that . You gave in and said .

''Yeah ! sure , i'll come..sorry-it just , i haven't talked to Peter or you in a while and my brain is pretty slow at processing ''

As you walked in the apartament , the usual smell of flowers and food was in the air and nothing was really changed , everything was pretty much the same .

''wow, it's been a while since the last time i was here '' you breathed out . Aunt May walked to the kitchen as she replied to you ''just feel like home , honey '' . You stopped at ther words because those were the exact same words she said to you when you first came in . You looked over the couch where you usually crashed on after coming with Peter after school and when you usually played video games with him and aunt May and sometimes even with uncle Ben . You and Peter were competitive when it came to video games and studying so that resulted many arguments over simple things . You awkwardly walked to the kitchen table , sitting down where you usually sat snd Peter usually sat right in front of you . You also remembered when you and Peter tried to surprise May by cooking meatloaf which turned into a total disaster . Or that one time you were working with Peter on a biophysisc project and you two were cuddled up and making sciences jokes and May saw how happy you were and brought the food in Peter's room . You missed this , even the stupid science shirts . On the kitchen counter you noticed some of the old pictures frames , and you thought ''they didn't throw them away..'' .

''Is Peter going to join us ? '' you finally asked because you were beginning to feel anxious that he is probably in his room and he doesn't even bother to come and say ''hello'' to you .

Peter wasn't going to come . He was so dissapointed and pissed that the Vulture couldn't stay in his cage for one night and he knew that he let you down once more . He texted May apologizing he won't be able to come because of a project with Ned and May insisted for him to come back home but of course he couldn't .

''uhm ...sadly, no , he has this project with Ned for pshysisc that has its due tomorrow ..'' you could feel your eyes watering because the project was for yesterday and Peter and Ned already presented it . You clentched your fists trying to resist not to cry in front of May . ''come on , you've done this a million times , just pretend you didn't hear it '' your inner voice said . You bit your lower lip and avoided the eye contact with her .

''y/n..'' she calmly said as she saw you fall apart right in front of her . You shut your eyes and brought your hands covered by the long sleeves of the sweater . You felt your throat clentching and that was the signal that you need to calm down so you don't brust into crying . May quickly brought a chair next to you and hugged you as your face was still covered .

''shh, it's okay '' she ran her hand up and down your back that was rising up and down from the heavy breathing . At that moment , Spider-man swang on the building he is living and he stopped at the kitchen window , witnessing what was happening between you and May . He pulled his mask off and watched the whole thing , the feeling of guilt going through his veins . '' I should've been there '' he said to himself before he couldn't stand what he was seeing so he just went up at your meeting spot . He covered his mouth to stop the heavy breathing and he just put his mask back on so no one can see him falling apart .

After you and May had a long chat about how Peter and you drifted apart in the past months , you left and went to your apartament . After brushing your teeth , you changed in some comfortable clothes and went to bed . You read yourself to sleep , living the lamp on . Peter also stayed outside your window till you fell asleep , making sure you are okay and nothing bad happens to you . He was so tired ,but watching you gave him the feeling of safety . He noticed the lamp on and he knew how much you hate to sleep with any kind of light on . He had a debating to either leave it that way or come in and turn it off . He decided to go in , carefully not to wake you up .He tip toed till he was next to your bed and turned off the lamp , only the city lights helping him to see a part of your face . He chuckled when he remembered the way you used to fell asleep , all covered in blankets with at least 3 books around you . He risked himself to pull the blanket up to your neck and slowly remove that book from your hands . He was getting sleepy only looking at you so he decided to leave .

#peter parker x reader #peter x reader #spidey imagine #peter parker #ned #mj #michelle #liz allan #spiderman #spider man: homecoming #marvel

[sublimazion3]

Not in that way. (One Shot | Sakura/Haruka)

I’m not saying you should read this.  In fact, you shouldn’t. ‘Cause it was supposed to be an happy thing but it turned out to be pretty dark and depressing.  I’m just gonna leave it here and on AO3 because I feel like it. Bye.

Haruka was sitting on her wheelchair out on the balcony. Rain was pouring down her face and her whole body, mingling with her own tears and sweat. She was sweating, but it was cold. 2°C they said at the TV, with a strong wind and 76% chance of rain. She had looked at the sky outside, already full of dark, grey clouds; silly, she had thought, there definitely was at least 20% more chance of rain. The A/C had kept her warm inside somebody else’s  bedroom. And that warmth and those unfamiliar walls suddenly made her feel like a caged animal. She felt like suffocating in her orthopedic corset, the wheelchair felt more paralyzing than ever, and soon she started cold sweating. She looked outside the window once more: the wind was indeed strong and rain had already started pouring. She smiled at herself for a moment – maybe the meteorologist career could be an option in the future, too. She drove herself to the balcony window, opened it and proceeded forward; tears began falling down her cheeks immediately.

The world outside was chaotic and loud and fast and alive, and Haruka had no idea how much she had missed it. She had locked herself inside somebody else’s apartment for four days, feeling like time had stopped, crippling and weakening and chaining her to a stone that was slowly and constantly dragging her to the bottom of an ocean called helplessness. The smells and the noises reminded her of a busy Tokyo she used to meet with a big smile and dreamy eyes every morning at 5. And despite sometimes waking up was a living hell – because sleeping was the third thing she loved the most in the world – she quickly found her usual enthusiasm and cheerfulness sometime between breakfast and a shower. And that was because she loved her job. She loved to be able to perform every day, singing and dancing, even though she might’ve not been the best at neither of them. She loved to meet new people, talk to them, share opinions and impressions over all kind of topics and common interests. She loved to make new friends in the work environment, she loved to give advice to her juniors and to receive advice from her seniors. She simply loved to be around people, and she loved to be an idol.

She loved all those things she probably wasn’t going to be able to do anymore.

With clenched teeth and puffy eyes, Haruka slowly stood up from her seat. Her spine immediately felt like being stabbed by a thousand knives, and her arms and her legs fell weak to the excruciating pain. She leaned against the balcony railing, grabbing it as strong as her fists let her, staying up for as long as her feet carried her. She screamed and she cried and she screamed again, in pain and exhaustion and misery. She screamed, until she wasn’t anymore. Now, she was laying on the floor. It was wet and cold and hard at the touch with her back. And slippery. That’s right. She slipped, and it happened all so fast and tragic that her brain struggled to even register it.  

The sky looked even more unreachable from that angle, or so she thought. And the rain was now blinding her, falling down straight like arrows.  She turned to her left, glancing at her wheeled cage; she hated that machine so much. She began dragging herself towards it, and every strain felt like breaking bones down her spine, sending acute pain throughout her whole body. Her nightdress was soaked wet and she was cold and she was miserable. She desperately attempted to pull herself up in the wheelchair, but she failed. She tried again, and she failed again. She cursed and she cried, and she pushed the machine away from her, as to make it fall, as to reject it. But her arms were so weak and her body was so aching, it only moved so slightly; as to fight her, as to mock her.

Then, she heard the front door opening and then closing. And her heart took a dip in her stomach only to surface in her throat, and her brain went blank, and for a moment or two she forgot how to breathe. The house owner was back. And as always, the very first thing she did after stepping inside the house was checking on Haruka. And that’s why she was still wearing her coat when she rushed to help her sitting back on her wheelchair, after finding her out on the balcony looking like a mess.  She gave it to her to keep her warm after pulling her back into the house and closing the balcony window.

“What happened?!” she asked alarmed. A strongly concerned look in her eyes. She had stepped outside that balcony only for a few seconds, but the rain still caught her. Her bangs was all messy and wet, and yet Haruka thought she looked beautiful. “I fell.” she simply conceded, her eyes laying everywhere but on the other girl’s.  

“Yeah, I saw that, but why?” she kept pushing. “Did you try to stand up on your own? And out on the balcony, of all places!?” Regrettingly: a moment of silence. “Why do you care?” Haruka asked. She could hear the apprehension in the other’s tone, and it made her feel so uncomfortable and pathetic and a fool. But also fooled by her. “Why do I care? Are you serious right now!?”

“Are you serious?” her tone was harsh, hurt. Her body was still in agony, but this was a whole different kind of pain that was arising from her chest and aiming for her heart only. She’d learned to recognize it very well, and she knew the other woman did too, although she probably had no idea what it felt like. Her hostess let out a sigh as a response and then began pushing her towards the bathroom. Haruka figured she was going to give her some towels to dry up, but she was wrong.

“What are you doing?” She asked, when the other turned on the shower.

“You’re soaked wet. You need a shower,” she explained, taking her own coat off of Haruka’s shoulders.

“I’m not taking a shower.“ “I’m not letting you fall ill because of your stubbornness!” “Don’t you undershtand!? I can’t take a shower! My armsh are so weak I can’t even lift them!”

Her ribcage felt on fire. There was anger mixed with hunger, desire mixed with denial, sentiment mixed with resentment and self-deprecation mixed with self-preservation. She was burning and she was cold and she was craving for things she couldn’t have. Freedom. And Love.

“Fine then, take off your clothes. I’ll wash you.”

Bewilderment. Haruka stared at the other in silence, searching for the hint of a joke, or humor, or anything that could prove her that the woman standing before her, whose eyes were piercing through her very skin, was just very poorly messing around.

“Are you high?” Haruka asked, perhaps even too seriously.

“Excuse me?”

“You’re either high, or drunk, or just too stupid to realize that such jokes aren’t funny at all. Leave me alone, Sakura. I’m not taking a fryeaking shower!”

“Fine.” Sakura decided, falling on her knees and unbuttoning the other’s nightdress.

Haruka’s arms were too weak to be lifted. When she told Sakura that, she wasn’t lying. In fact, every single limb and inch of her body was in pain. So when she saw herself slapping Sakura in the face, quickly, sharply, almost as though she was out of her own body and witnessing someone else doing it, the shock hit her first like a train.

“Shit, I’m sor—“

“You know what? Go to hell, Haruka.” Sakura stood up, one hand on the sore cheek, her eyes watery, “Just because I don’t feel the same towards you it doesn’t mean you’ve got the right to treat me like shit, okay!?”

The fire in her chest had momentarily extinguished only to be replaced by a dagger with the word HUMILIATION carved on it. Which began stabbing her at almost every word Sakura spoke.

“I’m trying my very best to be supportive. I’m hosting you in my apartment, I’m taking care of you, I do care about you, and I want you to recover soon! That’s why I don’t want you to also add a fever to your current condition!” Haruka wondered for a moment if it were possible for her to fall into the floor, or become invisible, or just vanish into thin air…

“And yet, it looks like the more I try to help you, the more you hate me. And I’m sorry, I really am, but I can’t force myself to love you. Not in that way!”

…or simply die.

“So you better deal with it soon enough, or I’m going to ask the manager to take you someplace else. Because, I know it might sound crazy, but I have a heart too. And it bleeds, just like yours. You’re not the only one that gets hurt here. You’re not. And your dagger is just as sharp as mine.”

And just like that, Sakura grabbed her own coat and stormed out of the room. Haruka stayed there, staring at the ceiling, silently crying, and thinking. Three weeks ago she was filming for a new AKS produced drama called Tofu Pro-Wrestling. Having already had a back injury in the past, the doctors had told her not to do extreme efforts or movements. She had also told the staff and management, who assured her that they were going to take all necessary precautions. Clearly, they lied. Shimada’s wrestling character had this move that consisted in taking the opponent by the legs and spinning for five or six times until she threw them on the other side of the ring. And despite the staff had told Haruka that the ring floor was soft enough that it wasn’t going to cause her spine any kind of damage, the moment after they tried the move for the first time, her back began aching. It wasn’t anything unbearable, just a slight pain, and because she is the stubborn idiot she is, she didn’t tell anything to anybody. She just started taking a bunch of pills to make the pain go away and kept showing up at shootings. Ten days later the pain seemed gone so she stopped taking the pills. Few days later, while meeting fans at a handshake event, her spine began aching to the point she nearly fainted. She couldn’t move, she couldn’t even speak for how painful it was. And after spending a couple of nights at the hospital, anesthetized, the third day the doctors told her she had to start physiotherapy. Her mom and dad took care of her at her own apartment on Tokyo for the following few days, but because they both had jobs they had to attend to, they left for their hometown on the seventeenth day. That’s when her manager thought to ask Sakura to host her.

Terrible idea.

Haruka was in love with her. And if you asked her, she’d tell you she fell in love with Sakura right away, the moment their eyes met because, the truth is, she didn’t even recall when exactly she started feeling different towards the other girl. If it was after their conversation in Sakura’s hotel room when they both had the center-position stolen from under their noses by a second generation newbie, in which they cried and cried and told each other words of support and Haruka could swear that, for the first time in her entire life, she finally felt seen and understood by somebody to the very core; if it was after they moved Sakura to the new established Team KIV and she felt like they had cut out a piece of her own heart and thrown it to hungry dogs; or if it was when Sashihara asked both her and Sakura to kiss in front of a more than fifty thousand people audience during a concert. And she felt suddenly awkward and embarrassed and confused, but also weirdly excited and happy and actually grateful to Sashihara. And then she looked at Sakura, and she was embarrassed too, and she was beautiful and she was funny, and then Haruka wondered if she should’ve kissed her first in order not to make her feel uncomfortable. She didn’t want her to feel uncomfortable. And then she glanced at her lips and they looked soft and warm and tasty, and so she leaned in and kissed her. And in a moment, in the fragment of a moment, the fifty thousand people audience vanished, as well as all the other members that were looking at them, waiting impatiently, and it was only the two of them. It was only Haruka’s heart, pounding and exploding like fireworks in the summer sky, and then blooming back to life like flowers in spring, and Sakura’s heart. And they were kissing, and Sakura’s lips were soft and warm and tasty . Like all different kinds of food Haruka would love to try in the world because eating is her second favorite thing in the world kind-of-tasty.  And they were kissing, and for a moment, Haruka could swear Sakura was kissing her back. Before she pulled away. Before Sakura pulled away. And everyone else were laughing and cheering, and Haruka looked at Sakura and Sakura knew.  

Haruka was in love with her and Sakura knew it. But, she didn’t feel the same. And now they were forced to live under the same roof and pretend it wasn’t the most awkward and inconvenient thing in the world. And Haruka couldn’t help it but acting like a bitch because her whole body and heart were in indescribable pain and she didn’t know how to make it stop. The doctors told her it was going to take some time before physiotherapy made effect, but even if that were true, even if eventually her body stopped aching, what about her heart? What about the nights spent crying before finally falling asleep because Sakura had to work until late with other members and she felt jealous and she wanted to be with her so badly? What about her feelings?

Her train of thoughts was abruptly interrupted by the door opening. She quickly raised her arm to wipe away the tears, but the sudden strain caused her to whine. Haruka was only now noticing that Sakura had left the shower on, and because of the steam that it formed, it took her a few seconds to recognize the little, round shadow that started rubbing against her feet.

“Hey you. What are you doing here?”

“He wanted to check on you.”  Sakura spoke up from the doorstep, and Haruka froze. She made her way through the room and turned off the shower, and Haruka wondered if she had left it on, hoping for her to jump in it like she currently wasn’t the most pathetic of creatures, or if she really forgot to turn it off. Which wouldn’t have been much like her.  Because she was the clumsy, absent-minded one, not Sakura. Sakura pretended to be. Sakura was way too clever and attentive for that.

The girl stood there, and Haruka could feel her eyes on her. But she didn’t look up, she kept her own on Maru-chan, the cat. She knew the other was waiting for her apologies, and she knew she had all the rights to. But the more she tried to look up the more the fear of rejection and judgment and criticism and hatred tied her eyes to the cat. And her chest was on fire again, and she was burning again, and she wanted to be brave and strong and decent to the person who more than anyone else was looking over her and taking care of her, even more than her own parents, but she couldn’t. She simply couldn’t.

“Maru-chan, let’s go. Let’s give her some more time alone,” again, Sakura broke the silence. She picked up the fur-ball and headed for the door. “Call me if you need anything.”

“I’m sorry!” she threw up the words. And she was feeling lighter, but also sicker.

They were met with silence, but Sakura was there. Glancing at her back.

“I’m sorry.” she threw up again, her heart racing, her hands shaking, her lungs turning ashes for how much they were burning. “I’m sorry.” This time, a whisper. A sob, but without tears. Perhaps there were none left, she thought. Perhaps her eyes had finally become dry and she had no more tears to shed. Not too bad, right? Not too bad.

She felt a hand touching her shoulder, then her arm, then her hands - gently, tenderly – and Sakura was back on her knees, facing her. Maru-chan nowhere to be seen, and their eyes burning into each other. “It’s okay.” she said in a whisper. “I just want you to heal…” And in that moment, all the tears Haruka no longer had to shed were running down Sakura’s own face. Silently, slowly. Beautifully, painfully. And Haruka wanted to kiss them away, and vow her that she was never going to hurt her again. But she knew herself, and she knew how she felt, and she knew her condition, and she didn’t want to lie.

Sakura wiped her own tears away. Then a smile, “You’re still soaked wet. Are you going to slap me again?”

And Haruka knew that Sakura already had the answer, but she still slightly shook her head in response. And so she began unbuttoning her nightdress once more, without ever breaking eye contact with her, but Haruka’s eyes would too often fall on her lips, linger there, crave them, while the arousal became stronger every loosen button. The orthopedic corset came after that, leaving her completely naked.

Sakura embraced her, wrapping her own arms around her back, slowly lifting her up from the wheelchair. Their bodies were touching, rubbing against each other. And it was painful, and it was humiliating, but it also was hot and pleasant and the closest Haruka was ever going to get to her. So she compromised with herself and decided to focus on the bright side, for once. The shower had a small stool in the middle, which Sakura put in there after Haruka moved in. She put her down, carefully. Then turned the shower back on and began washing her back. Her touch was gentle and soft, and the water was running, and Haruka could see her getting wet, and she could smell her shampoo, and she wondered if she was going to smell like her now. When she was done, Sakura asked her if she wanted her to also wash her front body, but Haruka figured it wasn’t going to be too hard for her to do it by herself. And she was right.

Sakura wrapped a tower around her, then, and began drying her up. And Haruka stared at her, begging to know what she was thinking. She could clearly see the pink bra she was wearing showing from under her shirt, and she was soaked wet and she looked ridiculously beautiful. So she dared, and timidly cupped the cheek she had hit earlier with her hand.  And she slowly leaned closer.

“Haruka…” Sakura let out in a whisper, as to warn her, but she didn’t move. She kept still, her eyes fixed on hers.

“Stop me.”

She actually begged her to. It was a cry for help. Because she knew her, she knew Sakura, and she knew that she wasn’t going to pull away. Because she knew Sakura cared for her and she wanted her to be happy and she knew how miserable and hopeless she had been feeling, and she was going to do anything in order to make her feel better, even that. Even kissing someone she didn’t have feelings for. Because she knew that Haruka actually also wanted to kiss her. And that the paradox that she had always been once more was showing, and once more, Sakura was the one who was going to be blamed for anything that was going to happen next. Because she knew that whatever decision she was going to take, it was going to hurt Haruka anyway. Because the one thing that Haruka wanted, the one thing that Haruka truly needed, other than being free of walking and working as she used to, was her. She wanted her, she wanted her love. Because that was the number one thing she loved the most in the world; Sakura. The one person that could make her smile and laugh, and cry and weep like nobody else could. She wanted to be with her, living in the world and experiencing all sort of things with her; challenges, achievements, failures, harsh moments, happy moments, joy and sorrow, all of them. She wanted to share her life with her, because being with her was the only thing that truly made her feel happy and complete.  And it might’ve been selfish, and it might’ve been wrong, but Haruka had been fighting over those feelings and that side of herself for so long, she just wanted to feel joy.

And Sakura knew it. And Sakura didn’t move.

She let her kiss her, and she kissed her back. Embracing her, accepting her, welcoming her and all the weight of rejection and pain she’d been carrying with her. And Haruka felt that, she felt the acceptance and the warmth and the affection… But she didn’t feel the love. Rather, she did feel that, but not her own same kind. And so the tears were back, and her kiss became a little rougher, and her hand travelled down Sakura’s jugular while the other made its way up her shoulder. She was naked and she wanted Sakura to be naked too. She wanted her to be as fragile and exposed as she was. And if she couldn’t love her, she wanted her to hate her. She wanted her to hate her and stop pitying her. She wanted her to hate her and stop acknowledging her. She wanted her to hate her and stop loving her in a way that was never going to be enough.

And then she pulled away. Haruka pulled away. And she cried. And her spine was still aching, and her heart was still pounding, but the fire in her chest died, leaving only ashes behind. Because, it didn’t matter how hard she tried, or hoped, or begged, it was something she had to accept; that Sakura was never, ever going to love her back.

#miyawaki sakura #kodama haruka #hkt48 #mirokusFF

[youdecode]

Why is Life so Unfair? What’s the point of living anymore? [HERE IS WHY]

How many times have you questioned why is life so unfair and what is the point of living anymore?

How hard is it to admit ‘Yea, I have crippling depression”?

There are 10s of million people who suffer mental illness and 99% of the root cause turns out to be depression.

Don’t you think life unfairly throws these depressed souls off the cliff and compels them to fight depression?

You must be aware of what depression feels like. Yes, like me.

It is not long ago that I got slapped with the reality of life which forced me to question why is life so unfair?

Feeling sad over tired listless fatigue hooked me completely.

But with consistent steps and a spoonful of courage, everything changed.

The bravest thing which I ever did was continuing living when I wanted to die.

You won’t agree more, how hard it is to tell someone that you are suffering from depression.

For many people, it is not a big deal.

Ever wondered why? Well, because we live in a cruel world.

People only show concern when they can, in actual sense, witness your pain.

Yes, those physical wounds. They are oblivious to the answer of what is depression . . . and what is the point of living.

Why Life Gets Unfair: Depression Causes?

 There are listless causes of depression.

Chronic depression about losing someone, career problems, relations, financial situations, illness, or other symbolic losses.

I experienced major depression because I lost my world until death. My dad.

The last person who suddenly departed . . . and the last goodbyes were never said.

Wondering why I am referring to the loss of a loved one as major depression?

Because It will let the financial crises, career challenges, and stressful relations trail behind

. . . The mounting bills, zero concentration on the career, and unexpected behaviors of relations.

I have been through it all.

But trust me losing my dad, my most precious one, shook my life and flipped it completely unlike all other causes.

One family member gets missing out of sudden, won’t you expect the change of roles?

These things will multiply your stress unless you find a correct way out. And I did.

Effects of depression: a journey of complicated grief

With whichever depression, you are suffering with . . . it is showing its effects.

And what are they?

I am not talking about the typical effects of denial, anger, sadness, fear, or other accompanying losses. I am referring to these effects below:

What does depression anxiety do to you immediately?

The most common struggle with depression is the disturbance in sleep. I became miserable. Whenever I used to shut my eyes the flashes of that unfortunate day used to appear before me.  Even staring at the ceiling did not help as all the memories of twenty years with my loved one used to puncture my heart. Sleeping for a few hours would only invite nightmares to increase the depression attack.

You will question, ‘Why am I so lonely?’ Feeling of loneliness will mount your depression effects.

Often in emotional numbness, you will hallucinate and even think as if hearing the voice of a deceased person. One day, I also felt that my dad just called out my name . . . then streams of evident tears.

You can suffer from weight loss due to loss of appetite.

Long-term effects of depression: Does depression ever go away?

You will also feel depression fatigue, as you will be devoid of energy. Physical exhaustion is a symbol of anxiety that will not allow you to even clean your room. You will be tired of living and the untidiness will prevail.

There are also some social effects of depression. As you won’t want to attend any gathering or special events. You will be like I hate this world. And this can continue for years.

You can also suffer from unbearable guilt from depression thoughts.

A research of 2015 showed that depression has the ability to change the structure of your brain. The brain circuits get changed when a person looks depressed.

How to find point of living anymore? [7 Powerful practical ways]

Studies show 6.7% of American adults each year get affected by depression.

Out of such a large number do you have an idea of how many actually seek treatment?

Studies show that only about 35.3 %.

Why do many resist seeking treatment?

Well, they underestimate its effects and think it is not that serious to be cured.

How to actually find depression treatment without several appointments from a therapist?

Is there an escape possible from irritable depression without the consumption of several medications?

If these questions are burning in your head then I assure you the guide below has got it all covered. You need to help yourself as trust me no one . . . NO ONE else is going to do that for you.

1- Shift your mindset:

You are your thoughts? Do you know why we feel depressed? Because of a thought.

That thought is constantly looming over the head and feeding “life is unfair. . . ”

Now, this thought is on repeat.

This looping turns the thought into a belief. This belief is extremely dangerous because this belief is giving rise to your depressed emotions.

The feeling you are having right now is the result of your belief. Hard times have struck you.

(Yes this is a belief is fine) But there is no point in living now because life is unfair (this is a wrong belief as this is not a reality and has not been proven).

But if you continue to ingrain this belief and evoke the depressed feelings then you will be the one for turning it into a reality.

Every second your brain is vibrating energy into the surrounding.

By repeated emission of the same energy of high intensity, you are in essence attracting more of depression into your life.

The same type of energy attracts and the law of attraction is one of the laws of the universe.

The only difference is that you can not prove it like gravity = 9.81.

I cannot prove it to you.

But your own life can.

What you are experiencing today is the result of what you thought yesterday.

Your life will continue on this track because every day you have the same thoughts which feed the same beliefs into the subconscious mind and thus attract the same depressing events in your life.

This is very much scientific.

I highly encourage you to read this post: thoughts are things because the moment I became mindful of my thinking pattern.

My life changed.

2- What should I do with my life: Journaling

Next, I can’t stress more importance of writing down your thoughts.

This is a therapeutic tool that is better than any therapy.

It healed me.

Get the facts straight: Every time you will not find yourself surrounded by a bunch of close friends, grief counselors, or family members.

No one stays for long and in the end, you will remain together with your loneliness.

So why not befriend loneliness to treat depression?

Yeah, you read that right. I have done this myself. Trust me the sort of inner satisfaction which I find when I am all by myself is beyond description.

Resolve your feelings and conceal depression. This is a way to address else it will stay within for years which will have a negative influence.

If you are not yet aware of the magical capability of journaling then that is because you might have not used it with the right intent.

You can attract miracles and get rid of your past by manifestation journaling.

The suffering time has taught me Triple G’s journaling technique where you find the answers to all your problems.

It is a method of connecting with infinite intelligence where all the answers already are. You can find more about her here.

So if we generally talk then you can resolve all your issues with journaling!

Great grief therapy.

Open up a journal and write what is disturbing you? Why does your life suck?

Throw in as much negativity as you want into the journal. I will encourage you to write at least 80 reasons why you think life is unfair.

Yes, you need to come up with this count. If your career sucks write it if you love life sucks ink it . . . if you have lost someone.

Now take out at least 8 reasons for bringing your life back on track. Write 8 things that you can pull out of the incident.

Come up with any creative expression to fight depression.

Try scrap-booking as this will be a great source of coping with the depression. As depression sucks! You need to use such creative expressions.

If unaware of what to write then the easiest thing is to grab random items from your room. Pick candles or earplugs. Start writing about how it symbolizes what you are going through. Compare your situation with the candle. Observe how it melts away, die in the process while giving light to others. In the same way, relate earplugs to your situation.

3- Depression treatment through Gratitude:

I get what you read through this headline. You will be like,

“I want to punch this girl on her face for telling me to be grateful while I am questioning why is life so unfair and what is the point of living.” 

Read this complete and trust me you will realize that I don’t deserve this sweet-cruelty!

Focusing on scarcity will transfer the feeling of incompleteness.

But focusing on gratitude will cultivate appreciation and kindness within you.

Think of gratitude as a tow truck that will haul you from the pits of your depression.

I understand that you are in a severe depression right now.

Thus when you will start to ponder good things in life, you will hardly be able to name one.

You will be in life. I have nothing . . . exactly NOTHING to be grateful about.

Start small from a day, rather than listing gratitude for your whole life.

Quick action:

Gratitude in a day:

Gaze through your window and relish those first spring buds.

Enjoy the messages of wind when it caresses your cheeks and blows off the oak leaves.

Think that those who departed can’t relish nature again thus you should be grateful.

Gratitude in a week:

Thankful for the loving people in your life who visited you.

Gratitude about the food, water, clothing, and shelter you have.

Gratitude in a life:

You have five senses to thank for.

If any of your closed one has departed then other closed ones might be still there. My dad departed thus I only have my mom value more.

You must have accomplished something by far in life. Something to be proud of.

Additional Tips:

Phones for tracking your gratitude: Use of notepad. Start specific and then expand on general blessings that you are availing.

Pay the token of thanks to your loved ones: You need to value them before dealing with a loss. Before it is too late. Write a compassionate letter which will impact their life. No matter how much advancement the technology has taken. But this method will give you inner satisfaction together with mental wellness which will be different in its way.

Are you sure you can feel the gratitude for real? If no, then here lands the solution: all you need to do is visit less fortunate people. Tears are guaranteed to roll off from your eyes. No matter how stone-hearted or strong your long-term depression has made you.You need to jump over it and see the world which is waiting for your kindness and love.

Tapping my tale:

Reflecting my own experience: I lost my world but I am thankful that I got to live with the best father for twenty years of my life.

By this time your list will not be just a blank paper. You will now not be staring like an unprepared student for an exam!

But this time, you will run out of space.

4- Fast-forwarding flashes of severe depression

You will eventually begin to hate stuff when incidents of history will loop over and over again. Get rid of those flashes of melancholic depression by a simple exercise.

Quick action:

Make use of a notepad or any paper. Mark the count for the next seven days when those flashes strike.

As a part of grief counseling, skip to the next thought rather than responding to the memory. The next thought has to be a supportive incident.

The supportive story has to be a safe, hopeful, goal-oriented, or calming story. Get the intricate details of that story which is enough to pour joy onto your lips.

The supportive thought has to have all the five senses (sight, sound, hearing, smell, touch). You will feel the change of sensation once you will relive the supportive story. This will help to stop depression.

This will become your resilience story. As you will be heading to a calmer situation from a difficult and haunting one.

Tapping my tale:

This common trauma has hit me several times. I used to recall the dead face of my father.

Especially the time when his body was brought and how I touched him.

I do want to recall my father every second, but only the good memories with him.

I don’t want to live with the memories which are enough to haunt you and tear your heart every day.

Remember living with depression is not an option now, overcome depression, and deal with it.

5- Music has power

You can feel a dramatic change when you are feeling hopeless.

It is a therapeutic tool that you must use for healing your soul and overcoming depression.

Quick action:

Listen to old songs which have exciting memories to enjoy (Do not listen to the songs which have bad memories attached. It is not escaping the event but preventing)

Experiment with new music and see if your mood fluctuates.

Tapping my tale:

Personally, this grief therapy has helped me to stay motivated. I listened to those songs which have special memories attached to my dad.

Those songs have made me relive the moments of my childhood.

Every other song reminds me of those golden days which we all cherished together, as a family rather than depression thoughts.

This might work against some. It depends on the situation

6- Treating depression with money:

If you are depressed about your goal or career choices then you are free to skip this.

If you are financially stable then you can cure depression and achieve inner satisfaction by helping one in need.

Keep money which is just enough for your financial independence.

As for the rest, play your part in others’ lives. Your generosity won’t disappoint you but diminish your depression anxiety for a lifetime.

Quick action:

Help someone achieve their goal in business

Finance the education of someone

Shelter the homeless and contribute in any way possible

Spend on your family for their happy adventures

Tapping my tale:

I sat with people in whose life I can contribute in any WAY.

Living for only oneself is very easy but living for others is the real challenge.

This challenge has really rewarded me in diminishing my depression.

6- Peace of soul and mind: real medication for depression

Realize the importance of mental health through spiritual practice. You do eat nutrients vital for your body but what about feeding your soul?

Quick actions:

You have to establish a formal place for meditation for depression counseling. A spot where you could dispose of all your negative energy.

Go into the woods, explore nature, and feel it.

Pay great attention to your breath and control it Connect your beliefs and happenings in your life together to find unanswered questions.

If you don’t feel like going out then at least reserve a corner in your house for filtering out your thoughts.

Go for hot yoga, saunas, or warm baths in hot tubs, as warming up can help. Charles Raison highlights in his study that exposure to heat can have antidepressant effects.

7- Doing something hard: My best treatment for depression

This girl has completely lost it! Aren’t these thoughts crossing your mind?

On the one hand, I am asking you to relieve your mind and on the other hand, I am suggesting something like this to cure depression?

I am trying to make you see that why life is not pointless. I am trying to convince that there is a point of living.

Well, it seems counter-intuitive. Though it’s not. Meditation is for the calmness of the mind.

It channels the stress away. You need to keep your mind calm and your body busy at the same time.

Quick action:

Learn your favorite skill which could benefit you, no matter how hard it is. You will find relaxation if after grief you have never enjoyed living in the world.

Remember, being depressed is a weapon you have. Yeah, you read it right. Just use this weapon carefully, either you can shoot yourself with it or shoot the worldly problems.

Let your mind remain calm and quiet with the aid of a difficult concentration.

You will have to train your mind rather than torturing yourself by being hard on yourself. Yes, become hard on yourself. But only to learn something new rather than punishing yourself for old sorrows.

Tapping my tale:

This one is my personal favorite to counter why life is not pointless, as the effort of going the hard way really helped me.

I learned a lot about graphics when my dad departed.

I took the hard way and decided to start my own business rather than rot in the corner of my room. Love challenges and the fire of a depressed heart is enough to solve them.

My final words about why life is not unfair?

I know you have gone through a lot.

But get one thing today: Now you can win over anything.

So in a nutshell, being depressed means you are already strong so use the strength in the right way.

I want to know your story so do tell me. You can help many others.

Recalling again:

“The bravest thing I have ever done was continuing to live when I wanted to die.”

-PROUD SURVIVOR

The post Why is Life so Unfair? What’s the point of living anymore? [HERE IS WHY] appeared first on You Decode.

[recovering-evangelical-repu-blog]

Choosing Humanity

I have a personal philosophy, I never unfriend people on Facebook over politics. Which means I don’t unfriend conservatives, no matter how much they make my head want to explode. But first, before I go into why that is, I want to be clear: do not confuse me recognizing their humanity for silence on injustice. Silence in the face of injustice is never, ever okay. Choosing to see beyond the politics of my family and friends does not require my silence in the face of their ignorance. If that means they unfriend me, that is completely their prerogative, but I won’t be doing it.

I won’t unfriend them in part because I refuse to be that cliché liberal who cuts out all dissenting voices and insists on living in a happy bubble of like minds… but that’s not really just a liberal issue, not by far, it’s a human issue. The thing is, I come from a very conservative part of the country, where liberalism is a bad thing and feminism is the other F word you don’t say. As a result, I didn’t exactly grow up with a healthy view of liberals, even if we had some in the family. They were pitied, looked down on, but also type casted with the best of them. They were simultaneously viewed as arrogant elitists and painfully ignorant. And one of the biggest criticisms is that they didn’t listen to the other side, our side, and were wholly ignorant about all things conservative because they chose to be and were lesser for it (because of course we were right and they were wrong/delusional). Now, I have a lot more sympathy for why liberals reach a point of wanting to just shut conservatives out. I get it, now. The hypocrisy of American Christians who vote Republican gets downright painful. Watching people tell me they’re pro-life because of Jesus and then insist all brown immigrants must come over “the right way” without a moment’s consideration for what that looks like or how the poorest of the poor do that… well, it can make your head want to implode. Maybe that’s why I’m so stubborn about unfriending folks, even when they’re every cliché in the conservative handbook: anti-immigrant, anti-LGBT, “pro-life,” and Trump loving, because I was once such a harsh critic of the left. So even though I now disagree with the right to the point of feeling like their beliefs are downright blasphemous, I still won’t delete them.  

But it can’t just be about proving to someone else, who doesn’t even care, that I’m not a cliché. I realized, I have to be determined to see their humanity even when they won’t see mine for the sake of my own soul. It’s so easy to be angry these days, America is a special level of dumpster-fire thanks to the Republican party. From voter suppression in ND, Georgia, and well, every other predominantly red state, to children ripped from their families and thrown into cages, it’s all a bit much (understatement of the fucking century, to be clear). Watching people I know defend the indefensible, constantly hearing belittlements of marginalized groups… it’s so easy to get so angry, to hate… so I refuse. I can’t refuse to feel blinding rage when I read selfish, ignorant comments online, but I can choose to work through it and move past it; even if that means following the same frustrating pattern again and again and again. Read a shitty comment, boil with angry, breathe, remember they’re human and not 100% pure evil, breathe, think of puppies, breathe. Rinse and repeat.

A prime example is watching my family defend the prominent placement of Confederate statutes. As if that crap doesn’t represent generations of our own family members brutalizing our fellow Southerners just because of the color of their skin. Choosing to be willfully ignorant about the harm Confederate worship has caused real people while insisting “it’s ancient history” by folks who were literally alive when Emmitt Till was murdered is enough to make me want to permanently walk away… Or watching Cuban family friends from back home post lies about refugees in a pathetic attempt to back up their double standards. Folks I’ve known my whole life, who literally had to flee the country of their birth for safety, demanding others not be permitted to do the same. Their families didn’t patiently wait ages in Cuba while the Revolution turned all they knew upside down! So how the fuck can they demand that now of others, who just happen to be a bit darker… but I’m the crazy liberal who wants “open borders” (fyi, this is not a thing, it wasn’t ever a fucking thing, most of us believe in vetting, we just want the realistic version that actually enables asylum seekers to come and settle here. UGH. Breathe. Fucking hell. Breathe…). UGH, see, it’s SO fucking hard not to be angry, not to cuss and throw things and unfriend… but worse than unfriending, to stop seeing their humanity, just like they refuse to see it for so many marginalized and hurting people.

So I try. I try because I don’t want to lose my soul during this cluster fuck of a timeline. America’s problems can always be traced back to fear of the other that leads to zero respect of the other, which is ultimately just a denial of someone’s humanity simply because they’re different. So yes, I want to hate them, even when they’re my own family, because I hate their lack of compassion for poor people, I hate their insistence that racism isn’t systematic when I’ve told them what it’s like working in a Public Defender’s office, the cases I’ve seen, the humanity behind the incarceration numbers. But I can’t hate my own family, not really. I’m fortunate that I had to decide this a long time ago. We’re sufficiently dysfunctional in non-political ways that I had to make a conscious choice about what kind of daughter and niece and sister and cousin I would be. Would I let their behaviors dictate mine or would I decide what the right thing is and do that regardless of their behavior? I chose the latter. I still believe in healthy boundaries, which means limited visits and short ones at that, but I still show up, I still check in upon occasion. Because my actions don’t actually say anything about their life choices, my actions will only ever speak to MY character, my integrity; and I choose to be someone who sees their humanity even as they refuse to hear me out and insult many of the values I hold dear (you’d think equality and inclusion were secretly enemies of the state if you listened to my dad long enough; also, Socialism and Communism are two separate things, no matter what he says).

So yeah, I want to hate conservatism and the people behind it too, but I didn’t get the luxury of those folks being nothing but numbers and red dots on a map. They’re the people who raised me, who do still love me, who ask my parents how I’m doing when they haven’t seen me in a while, who helped me become the woman I am today… Part of me wanted to shut a door, walk away, and never look back. To embrace the anger and just hate. But I also couldn’t bring myself to do it, because I still love them. I can’t hate the people who make me New Mexican enchiladas for my birthday purely out of love for me. I can’t ignore the big brother who taught me sarcasm and wit are a sport. No matter how much their beliefs break my heart, I still love them, I still choose to see their humanity. And that goes for a lot of other folks who I do not have as personal a connection with. I can’t hate them and not my family, the heart doesn’t really work that way, it demands we choose. Do we choose humanity and compassion consistently or do we choose sides, dig in, and hate? It does not mean I agree with them and it does NOT mean I stand down and let their ignorance go unchallenged (again, my love and compassion for them is NOT the same as silence; silence would also require selling my soul out). What it does mean, is that I embrace the complexity of being human. The paradox that says people can hold horrible, horrible beliefs and support awful regimes while still being capable of good in other areas of their life. I refuse to accept a purely black and white reality of an incredibly complex world. Which means, when I want to hate, when I want to push them away, and forget the good, I choose not to. I stand up, I argue, and I may even yell, but I still choose to love them when it’s all said and done. Because if I didn’t choose to love them through all of this, it’d make me quite the hypocrite to expect them to learn how to love the many groups they’re choosing to write off.

And if there’s anything I cannot stand, it’s losing the moral high ground ;- )

#choosinghumanity personalpolitics

[youdecode]

Why is Life so Unfair? What’s the point of living anymore? [HERE IS WHY]

How many times have you questioned why is life so unfair and what is the point of living anymore?

How hard is it to admit ‘Yea, I have crippling depression”?

There are 10s of million people who suffer mental illness and 99% of the root cause turns out to be depression.

Don’t you think life unfairly throws these depressed souls off the cliff and compels them to fight depression?

You must be aware of what depression feels like. Yes, like me.

It is not long ago that I got slapped with the reality of life which forced me to question why is life so unfair?

Feeling sad over tired listless fatigue hooked me completely.

But with consistent steps and a spoonful of courage, everything changed.

The bravest thing which I ever did was continuing living when I wanted to die.

You won’t agree more, how hard it is to tell someone that you are suffering from depression.

For many people, it is not a big deal.

Ever wondered why? Well, because we live in a cruel world.

People only show concern when they can, in actual sense, witness your pain.

Yes, those physical wounds. They are oblivious to the answer of what is depression . . . and what is the point of living.

Why Life Gets Unfair: Depression Causes?

 There are listless causes of depression.

Chronic depression about losing someone, career problems, relations, financial situations, illness, or other symbolic losses.

I experienced major depression because I lost my world until death. My dad.

The last person who suddenly departed . . . and the last goodbyes were never said.

Wondering why I am referring to the loss of a loved one as major depression?

Because It will let the financial crises, career challenges, and stressful relations trail behind

. . . The mounting bills, zero concentration on the career, and unexpected behaviors of relations.

I have been through it all.

But trust me losing my dad, my most precious one, shook my life and flipped it completely unlike all other causes.

One family member gets missing out of sudden, won’t you expect the change of roles?

These things will multiply your stress unless you find a correct way out. And I did.

Effects of depression: a journey of complicated grief

With whichever depression, you are suffering with . . . it is showing its effects.

And what are they?

I am not talking about the typical effects of denial, anger, sadness, fear, or other accompanying losses. I am referring to these effects below:

What does depression anxiety do to you immediately?

The most common struggle with depression is the disturbance in sleep. I became miserable. Whenever I used to shut my eyes the flashes of that unfortunate day used to appear before me.  Even staring at the ceiling did not help as all the memories of twenty years with my loved one used to puncture my heart. Sleeping for a few hours would only invite nightmares to increase the depression attack.

You will question, ‘Why am I so lonely?’ Feeling of loneliness will mount your depression effects.

Often in emotional numbness, you will hallucinate and even think as if hearing the voice of a deceased person. One day, I also felt that my dad just called out my name . . . then streams of evident tears.

You can suffer from weight loss due to loss of appetite.

Long-term effects of depression: Does depression ever go away?

You will also feel depression fatigue, as you will be devoid of energy. Physical exhaustion is a symbol of anxiety that will not allow you to even clean your room. You will be tired of living and the untidiness will prevail.

There are also some social effects of depression. As you won’t want to attend any gathering or special events. You will be like I hate this world. And this can continue for years.

You can also suffer from unbearable guilt from depression thoughts.

A research of 2015 showed that depression has the ability to change the structure of your brain. The brain circuits get changed when a person looks depressed.

How to find point of living anymore? [7 Powerful practical ways]

Studies show 6.7% of American adults each year get affected by depression.

Out of such a large number do you have an idea of how many actually seek treatment?

Studies show that only about 35.3 %.

Why do many resist seeking treatment?

Well, they underestimate its effects and think it is not that serious to be cured.

How to actually find depression treatment without several appointments from a therapist?

Is there an escape possible from irritable depression without the consumption of several medications?

If these questions are burning in your head then I assure you the guide below has got it all covered. You need to help yourself as trust me no one . . . NO ONE else is going to do that for you.

1- Shift your mindset:

You are your thoughts? Do you know why we feel depressed? Because of a thought.

That thought is constantly looming over the head and feeding “life is unfair. . . ”

Now, this thought is on repeat.

This looping turns the thought into a belief. This belief is extremely dangerous because this belief is giving rise to your depressed emotions.

The feeling you are having right now is the result of your belief. Hard times have struck you.

(Yes this is a belief is fine) But there is no point in living now because life is unfair (this is a wrong belief as this is not a reality and has not been proven).

But if you continue to ingrain this belief and evoke the depressed feelings then you will be the one for turning it into a reality.

Every second your brain is vibrating energy into the surrounding.

By repeated emission of the same energy of high intensity, you are in essence attracting more of depression into your life.

The same type of energy attracts and the law of attraction is one of the laws of the universe.

The only difference is that you can not prove it like gravity = 9.81.

I cannot prove it to you.

But your own life can.

What you are experiencing today is the result of what you thought yesterday.

Your life will continue on this track because every day you have the same thoughts which feed the same beliefs into the subconscious mind and thus attract the same depressing events in your life.

This is very much scientific.

I highly encourage you to read this post: thoughts are things because the moment I became mindful of my thinking pattern.

My life changed.

2- What should I do with my life: Journaling

Next, I can’t stress more importance of writing down your thoughts.

This is a therapeutic tool that is better than any therapy.

It healed me.

Get the facts straight: Every time you will not find yourself surrounded by a bunch of close friends, grief counselors, or family members.

No one stays for long and in the end, you will remain together with your loneliness.

So why not befriend loneliness to treat depression?

Yeah, you read that right. I have done this myself. Trust me the sort of inner satisfaction which I find when I am all by myself is beyond description.

Resolve your feelings and conceal depression. This is a way to address else it will stay within for years which will have a negative influence.

If you are not yet aware of the magical capability of journaling then that is because you might have not used it with the right intent.

You can attract miracles and get rid of your past by manifestation journaling.

The suffering time has taught me Triple G’s journaling technique where you find the answers to all your problems.

It is a method of connecting with infinite intelligence where all the answers already are. You can find more about her here.

So if we generally talk then you can resolve all your issues with journaling!

Great grief therapy.

Open up a journal and write what is disturbing you? Why does your life suck?

Throw in as much negativity as you want into the journal. I will encourage you to write at least 80 reasons why you think life is unfair.

Yes, you need to come up with this count. If your career sucks write it if you love life sucks ink it . . . if you have lost someone.

Now take out at least 8 reasons for bringing your life back on track. Write 8 things that you can pull out of the incident.

Come up with any creative expression to fight depression.

Try scrap-booking as this will be a great source of coping with the depression. As depression sucks! You need to use such creative expressions.

If unaware of what to write then the easiest thing is to grab random items from your room. Pick candles or earplugs. Start writing about how it symbolizes what you are going through. Compare your situation with the candle. Observe how it melts away, die in the process while giving light to others. In the same way, relate earplugs to your situation.

3- Depression treatment through Gratitude:

I get what you read through this headline. You will be like,

“I want to punch this girl on her face for telling me to be grateful while I am questioning why is life so unfair and what is the point of living.” 

Read this complete and trust me you will realize that I don’t deserve this sweet-cruelty!

Focusing on scarcity will transfer the feeling of incompleteness.

But focusing on gratitude will cultivate appreciation and kindness within you.

Think of gratitude as a tow truck that will haul you from the pits of your depression.

I understand that you are in a severe depression right now.

Thus when you will start to ponder good things in life, you will hardly be able to name one.

You will be in life. I have nothing . . . exactly NOTHING to be grateful about.

Start small from a day, rather than listing gratitude for your whole life.

Quick action:

Gratitude in a day:

Gaze through your window and relish those first spring buds.

Enjoy the messages of wind when it caresses your cheeks and blows off the oak leaves.

Think that those who departed can’t relish nature again thus you should be grateful.

Gratitude in a week:

Thankful for the loving people in your life who visited you.

Gratitude about the food, water, clothing, and shelter you have.

Gratitude in a life:

You have five senses to thank for.

If any of your closed one has departed then other closed ones might be still there. My dad departed thus I only have my mom value more.

You must have accomplished something by far in life. Something to be proud of.

Additional Tips:

Phones for tracking your gratitude: Use of notepad. Start specific and then expand on general blessings that you are availing.

Pay the token of thanks to your loved ones: You need to value them before dealing with a loss. Before it is too late. Write a compassionate letter which will impact their life. No matter how much advancement the technology has taken. But this method will give you inner satisfaction together with mental wellness which will be different in its way.

Are you sure you can feel the gratitude for real? If no, then here lands the solution: all you need to do is visit less fortunate people. Tears are guaranteed to roll off from your eyes. No matter how stone-hearted or strong your long-term depression has made you.You need to jump over it and see the world which is waiting for your kindness and love.

Tapping my tale:

Reflecting my own experience: I lost my world but I am thankful that I got to live with the best father for twenty years of my life.

By this time your list will not be just a blank paper. You will now not be staring like an unprepared student for an exam!

But this time, you will run out of space.

4- Fast-forwarding flashes of severe depression

You will eventually begin to hate stuff when incidents of history will loop over and over again. Get rid of those flashes of melancholic depression by a simple exercise.

Quick action:

Make use of a notepad or any paper. Mark the count for the next seven days when those flashes strike.

As a part of grief counseling, skip to the next thought rather than responding to the memory. The next thought has to be a supportive incident.

The supportive story has to be a safe, hopeful, goal-oriented, or calming story. Get the intricate details of that story which is enough to pour joy onto your lips.

The supportive thought has to have all the five senses (sight, sound, hearing, smell, touch). You will feel the change of sensation once you will relive the supportive story. This will help to stop depression.

This will become your resilience story. As you will be heading to a calmer situation from a difficult and haunting one.

Tapping my tale:

This common trauma has hit me several times. I used to recall the dead face of my father.

Especially the time when his body was brought and how I touched him.

I do want to recall my father every second, but only the good memories with him.

I don’t want to live with the memories which are enough to haunt you and tear your heart every day.

Remember living with depression is not an option now, overcome depression, and deal with it.

5- Music has power

You can feel a dramatic change when you are feeling hopeless.

It is a therapeutic tool that you must use for healing your soul and overcoming depression.

Quick action:

Listen to old songs which have exciting memories to enjoy (Do not listen to the songs which have bad memories attached. It is not escaping the event but preventing)

Experiment with new music and see if your mood fluctuates.

Tapping my tale:

Personally, this grief therapy has helped me to stay motivated. I listened to those songs which have special memories attached to my dad.

Those songs have made me relive the moments of my childhood.

Every other song reminds me of those golden days which we all cherished together, as a family rather than depression thoughts.

This might work against some. It depends on the situation

6- Treating depression with money:

If you are depressed about your goal or career choices then you are free to skip this.

If you are financially stable then you can cure depression and achieve inner satisfaction by helping one in need.

Keep money which is just enough for your financial independence.

As for the rest, play your part in others’ lives. Your generosity won’t disappoint you but diminish your depression anxiety for a lifetime.

Quick action:

Help someone achieve their goal in business

Finance the education of someone

Shelter the homeless and contribute in any way possible

Spend on your family for their happy adventures

Tapping my tale:

I sat with people in whose life I can contribute in any WAY.

Living for only oneself is very easy but living for others is the real challenge.

This challenge has really rewarded me in diminishing my depression.

6- Peace of soul and mind: real medication for depression

Realize the importance of mental health through spiritual practice. You do eat nutrients vital for your body but what about feeding your soul?

Quick actions:

You have to establish a formal place for meditation for depression counseling. A spot where you could dispose of all your negative energy.

Go into the woods, explore nature, and feel it.

Pay great attention to your breath and control it Connect your beliefs and happenings in your life together to find unanswered questions.

If you don’t feel like going out then at least reserve a corner in your house for filtering out your thoughts.

Go for hot yoga, saunas, or warm baths in hot tubs, as warming up can help. Charles Raison highlights in his study that exposure to heat can have antidepressant effects.

7- Doing something hard: My best treatment for depression

This girl has completely lost it! Aren’t these thoughts crossing your mind?

On the one hand, I am asking you to relieve your mind and on the other hand, I am suggesting something like this to cure depression?

I am trying to make you see that why life is not pointless. I am trying to convince that there is a point of living.

Well, it seems counter-intuitive. Though it’s not. Meditation is for the calmness of the mind.

It channels the stress away. You need to keep your mind calm and your body busy at the same time.

Quick action:

Learn your favorite skill which could benefit you, no matter how hard it is. You will find relaxation if after grief you have never enjoyed living in the world.

Remember, being depressed is a weapon you have. Yeah, you read it right. Just use this weapon carefully, either you can shoot yourself with it or shoot the worldly problems.

Let your mind remain calm and quiet with the aid of a difficult concentration.

You will have to train your mind rather than torturing yourself by being hard on yourself. Yes, become hard on yourself. But only to learn something new rather than punishing yourself for old sorrows.

Tapping my tale:

This one is my personal favorite to counter why life is not pointless, as the effort of going the hard way really helped me.

I learned a lot about graphics when my dad departed.

I took the hard way and decided to start my own business rather than rot in the corner of my room. Love challenges and the fire of a depressed heart is enough to solve them.

My final words about why life is not unfair?

I know you have gone through a lot.

But get one thing today: Now you can win over anything.

So in a nutshell, being depressed means you are already strong so use the strength in the right way.

I want to know your story so do tell me. You can help many others.

Recalling again:

“The bravest thing I have ever done was continuing to live when I wanted to die.”

-PROUD SURVIVOR

The post Why is Life so Unfair? What’s the point of living anymore? [HERE IS WHY] appeared first on You Decode.