#sometimes life is fucking hard

[greenbergwrites]

How do you get motivation to write 😭 you’ve have so many amazing bodies of work while I struggle to finish one idea 💀

oh, babe. I have random ideas that I do not develop AT ALL and just write some choice emotional/porn bits for, that's not the same thing as having numerous bodies of work.

And I'm cool with that, because that is literally 100% of the reason I started this blog. I needed to try and teach myself how to write without editing it to death, which was downright fucking terrifying when I first started doing it and only mildly frightens me now.

That's what everything on this blog is, literally unfiltered stream of consciousness, but it's what I needed to learn how to do because I have a well-documented and pathological tendency to just rewrite the same thing over and over again because it's never good enough in my eyes

When it comes to actual finished works, I have very few. FAC is the first big project I took on since I was a teenager and look at it now, absolutely fucking unfinished. The project that will haunt me to the end of time.

But I'm trying to get better. At the beginning of January, I told Ked I wanted to have a writing schedule and because she is an unstoppable force of nature and also a goddamn angel, she agreed to take up the task of herding me.

Most nights at 6:30, I get a message from her that simply says "it's time," and that's my cue to stop whatever I'm doing and try to write something. It was really fucking hard at first, but here we are 7 months in and it's finally getting easier.

The goal we somehow came to is 400 words, which was apparently Terry Pratchett's daily goal. Sometimes it's hard to get there and sometimes it's really easy, but it's doable and that's the important bit.

But sometimes, even though it's doable, I don't get there. Sometimes I've had the shittiest day and even though I want to, my brain just isn't in it. Sometimes I'm so goddamn tired because my anxiety meds fuck with my ability to sleep and sleep aids only help so much.

I hate myself for not being able to commit in those times, because dumbly, I feel like I'm letting Ked down. But Ked never makes me feel like I'm letting her down. She'll just commiserate with me, or if she feels I've gone too long without writing, she'll say, "Just think about the story for 15 minutes and then you've done what you need to for the day."

I think the BIGGEST thing--the thing that honestly has fucking helped more than anything--is through this whole process, Ked has taught me to be kind to myself.

It's not the end of the world if I don't write every day, as long as I don't make it a habit of not writing, and whatever the fuck I manage to do, whether it's a hundred words or a thousand, it's something to celebrate because it's better than continually writing nothing at all

So, like. Just be kind to yourself. If you're not writing, it's for a reason. And if that reason is simply only "I'm out of practice," well then find you a friend like Ked and let them herd you.

That only really works if you're willing to submit to someone else's authority, though, and luckily for everyone involved in my life, I might be a brat, but I'm a people-pleasing brat so I allow myself to be herded most days.

I just, you know. Complain about it loudly, too.

#nani asks #greenberg replies #i don't know if this helped at all but i hope it did #it's okay if you don't write lots of stuff #sometimes life is fucking hard #but if you wanna try to get into a better habit: good news! it's possible! #Ked tricked me into DEVELOPING A STORY #I HAVE A SCRIVENER PROJECT NOW #WITH A KIND OF OUTLINE? #idk man anything even marginally resembling an outline is a fucking FEAT for me. i fucking hate outlines #ked is a terrifyingly competent individual #i'm glad she's on my side

[eggwishing]

i love them actually

#trolls #velvet and veneer #theyre so cunty i wish they had more screentime #also fucking banger of a villain song #fuck my entire life for veneer's hair being so hard to draw #idk what they're fighting over in that bottom one #sibligns just want 2 kill each other 4 no reason sometimes

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

thinkin' about Bardaby and his illusion smoke...

#went on yet another bardaby bender. these are only part of it lmao #i am often seized by the fatal need to Draw Barnaby In Some Shape Or Form #but yes. thinking very hard about the illusion smoke #i feel like sometimes he uses it recreationally... mixed with other stuff to dilute it ofc #but it keeps the color! #im imagining that it can act sort of like a Mood Ring! #the core color that he exhales yk yk! #but using it full strength for proper illusions and such #he's gotta be careful about it! it'll fuck him up! #he's built up Quite The Resistance to illusions and illusion magic over his life #but everyone has their limits... #scribble salad #wh fantasy au #IM NOT USED TO DRAWING SMOKE. IT LOOKS BAD LMAO #i'll have to work on that! look up tutorials! Practice! #anyhow i think the other scribbles need their own post #its mainly bardaby and our little warlock... #there are three ways i love drawing barnaby #i love scribbling him angry. i love scribbling him with howdy. and i love scribbling him being soft w/ wally #side note i realized earlier that part of the reason why i love characters who are just so much bigger than everyone else #ex: poppy & barnaby #is bc then its like. they're the smaller guys' personal jungle gym lmao #free bed! free climbing wall! free bean bag! free Getting Tossed Around!!!! #all wrapped up with the wonderful bow of Friend!!!! #...my touch starvedness is showing isnt it. away with ye demons!!!

[the-world-is-just-bitch]

Be brave and ask for help.

#text #quotes #relatable quotes #spilled ink #fuck #its hard sometimes #life quotes #sad thoughts

[soplapinga]

If you like dazai from bsd you like gojo from jjk and if you like gojo from jjk you like vash from trigun, its literally stated by god

#sometimes bbg is a grown ass man w overboard sillyness as his preferred trauma response #and is also very emotionally married to his bestie kinda rival kinda the worst thing to ever happen to him kinda the love of his life #implied soulmates by the author AND in canon narrative multiple times even .hard ass situationship on god #All tragically doomed by the narrative tho yikes #dont know how to exactky link vanitas to the principal post bc i dont know that much ppl whove watched vnc #but it somehow does #vanitas fits all of this too af #fucking gayass #jjk #bsd #trigun #gojo satoru #dazai osamu #vash the stampede #vashwood #satosugu #soukoku #vanoe #vanitas no carte #vnc vanitas #jujutsu kaisen #bungo stray dogs #trigun 1998 #trimax #specifically

[wis-art]

Women, so pretty, so shaped, i am so lesbian,,,

#im also incredibly dysphoric tonight #but i was told by my coworker im incredibly feminine by her earlier #and i mean yeah #..... #i am a tall weird internet woman who likes to draw #so funny how i thought i was bi #I'm just really into women... #my ex is a trans guy and he told me he thinks im lesbian and i had a “holy fuck this explains so much moment” #we broke up but we still have a weird queer relationship outside of social heteronormative norms that is hard to explain and only we #can really understand #im not into men because you know #im a lesbian #had a weird period in my life when i was dating a guy and said im a lesbian and i felt sooooo scared #turns out when youre on meds and your brain is working right you just stop caring about such things #i went on a parade wearing big lesbian flag and girls loved it :) #i dont really know if i ever want to date anyone again #but i think if you look at my art you can really tell my sexuality quite easily lolol #funny how love can be so complicated sometimes #i mean it was kind of inevitable we break up cause we're kind of incompatible but tbh #it was better for us #hehe

[oceanwithouthermoon]

saiki being an oblivious harem protagonist is the funniest concept ever to me... its so fitting with the normal tdlosk shenanigans too...

like imagine, maybe hes wearing his ring, is out of town, or doesnt have his powers in the exact moments someone realizes theyre in love with him.. so he doesnt have the benefit of immediately hearing the words "im in love with saiki" so he'll have to figure it out with context clues and yk. emotional intelligence.

WHICH HE SUCKS AT AND DOESNT HAVE.

notice how the only people we know had a crush on him in the show are people who very explicitly thought "i have such a huge crush on saiki.." "i think im falling in love with saiki!" "saiki youre my soulmate, kiss me!" but anyone else could have and he just didnt know... what about people who are more subtle with their feelings, people who havent even realized their own feelings yet, or even people who are actually pretty obvious but saiki just doesnt get it !

(also i wrote this out a while ago and then read this volume a bit later and im adding this cuz it reminded me of it lol)

#not to mention its also in character for him to be like 'well they prob dont ACTUALLY have a crush one me- they just think they do' #cuz that happens sometimes #i left this in the drafts for so long cuz i was like. this phrasing sucks how do i say this better. #but i cant fix it im just dumb and thats fine im sure itll come across somehow someway #whatEVER #saiki k #tdlosk #the disastrous life of saiki k. #saiki kusuo #meows post #torisai #saikechi #kubosai #saikai #um idk what else but those fit with this a lot #torisai and saikechi one sided crushes go so fucking hard

[uncanny-tranny]

It's actually kind of heartbreaking how many people feel their life has ended right after high school or college, and honestly, the heavy romanticization of that period of time is so overwhelmingly predominant that it can be hard to avoid. It's insidious to constantly be told that ages 10-24 are the only worthwhile parts of life, that everything after is essentially meaningless and dull.

It's hard not to look around you and think that your life still is open and full of potential when you're told over and over again that the rose-tinted childhood is the last time you were alive. It's hard to realize that your life isn't over when you walk off the stage of your graduation.

We must realize that we will always be full of potentials. Your life won't be over until you take your final breath, and then? That's simply another chapter in your story, one of many. Let yourself realize that you're alive in the here and now. There will be good and bad, but never a complete loss of potential or hope.

#positivity #it's just... weird when you see somebody your age who says how over their life feels you know? #and i feel for them. i feel their pain and the emptiness of not knowing what's next or what you should do #and that's sometimes the scary part of life. but your story isn't over yet #one day it will be. one day you'll put the pen down and dry the ink on the yellowed pages and close your book of life. but that's not today #you are allowed to be an aimless spirit. you are allowed to breathe in without the crushing weight of productivity #the idea that your only potential happens when you're too young to realize it is wrong #your potential has nothing to do with feeling your youth and how little you know #it is hard to really internalize this and remind yourself to make space for hope and positivity... #...and you might not be ready to internalize this. that's okay. i'll wait with you (in a strictly spiritual sense) #we can wait together and not think about any of it. just to rest and collect our minds and feel the world hold its breath with us #all this to say that your life isn't over yet. you don't have to beat yourself up over not having lived at fucking 18 #allow yourself the compassion to realize that you needed time to grow and mature and explore the world in your own way

[aki-bara]

Percy goes Dad Mode

I've been working on a story where Percy and Annabeth have a daughter and he is SO OVERPROTECTIVE OMG. Like he wants to build a tower to keep her safe so no one ever hurts her (like freaking Rapunzel) and it's kind of cute, but also like... This boy is so afraid of loosing what's important to him! He had nothing for so long, (no friends until he met Grover) and no self-esteem (bullied by teachers and peers at school and Gabe at home).

His mom was the only "good thing" he had growing up, and when he thought he lost her? He risked his life to bring her back even at TWELVE YEARS OLD.

Now he has people he cares about, no deadly prophecy looming over his head, and some knowledge that he can and has accomplished good things, but the idea that he could lose it all? That underneath everything he's still just that loser kid? That terrifies him. Percy's self-worth is based entirely on his ability to help and protect people and failing to protect the people he loves most? It means that everyone else was right, that he is worthless, and he desperately doesn't want that to be true.

And that's not even the whole of it because he ALSO doesn't want his own kid to ever feel this way. The idea of her going through the same shit he did, even just the normal human parts (not even the demigod stuff) like, he so does not want that to happen. He would do anything to protect her from that kind of pain and it sort of breaks my heart. Like, I get it. How could he not feel that way? How is he supposed to learn to let her go when he knows how easy it is for the world to destroy you? And I still don't have an answer to that.

#hopefully annabeth helps #also obviously his kid's opinion on his actions is going to matter to him #but kids can't even really tell you how your parenting affects them until they're older and sometimes by then it's too little too late #life is fucking hard #pjo #percabeth #percy jackson #annabeth chase #percabeth kids #parent percy jackson #aki fic #aki rant #pjo headcanons

[camellcat]

you ever realize you never properly learned how to say a character's name, so by the time you finally HEAR it, you have no idea who they're talking about? cause I feel like I keep doing this and it's very confusing to keep being corrected like that

#I have this habit of only reading the first few letters and then completely skimming over the rest of a name #which leads me to just. totally making it up #ko-she-key (koschei from doctor who) and tin-tall-gia (tintaglia from the rain wild chronicles) are my favorite names that I've fucked up #the funniest part is I only sometimes chose to recognize the mistake and fix it #I do not think those two will ever be pronounced correctly. I just. can't. that's who they are to me #plus soz but you're a liar if you're gonna tell me the way I say “ko-she-key” isn't an infinitely more fun way to pronounce it #even if it is... y'know... just not even the same name FFVJVFJ #I'm not tagging either media cause I mean whatever if you find it good for you but I NEEDED to show off how egregious those examples are #I'm being so fucking serious when I said I SKIM over these names. I didn't even know how to spell them I had to look it up #in fact I was so shocked about tintaglia I had to rewrite hers three separate times #I have never in my life paid any closer attention to these names and after this I will continue not doing so #they are “kosheci-said-with-a-hard-c-for-some-reason” and “tintalgia” to me thank you and goodnight #—:*after these messages we'll be righttttt back*:—

[quietwingsinthesky]

Dean is such a paradox for me because on the one hand, I have been actively triggered by him in the show, there are moments where, intentionally or not, the writers managed to create a portrayal of manipulation and abuse and control issues that it sets off actual alarms for me. And on the other hand, I would not have him any other way. There is something — not comforting, that’s too soft a word — about knowing where Dean’s actions stem from, having seen and learned all that we do about his childhood neglect and parentification and the trauma he goes through repeatedly in the show, and that he doesn’t come out clean. He comes out a goddamn mess who ends up hurting the people around him in reaction to his own pain!

There’s a reality there that’s. Almost nice, actually. Distressing to watch, but it is a fucking mess, it’s a good mess! He’s got zero healthy coping skills and a healthy relationship with say, his brother, is terrifying because it leaves him open to abandonment!

I’m not sure I’m wording this correctly. There is a way to be a good abuse victim. Take the pain, martyr yourself on it, and then, even if you have no support or idea how to, then you have to become a Good Person who never hurts anyone the way you have been learning to your entire life. Simply toss everything that shaped you out the door and emerge a saint with a tragic backstory. And Dean is not that. And that’s so fucking good. Everything that he has gone through continues to effect the way he treats the people around him, and he can’t fight the behaviors he might recognize as harmful because he also sees them as protecting him (or protecting Sam by keeping Sam with him.)

And sometimes, idk. It feels good to see a guy who didn’t heal the “right way.” Who mostly didn’t heal at all, just keeps the wound open because it’s easier that way.

#there’s a whole other bit to this about how like. it’s hard for fandom to hold the idea that someone can be both a victim and abusive #at the same time. that the ways someone has been hurt don’t always shape them into kindness and wide-eyed sympathy. occasionally it just #makes them hard to live with. and I think most obviously is the thing that a lot of what Dean does is an expression of love. of protection. #he’s very much his father’s son in that way. that’s why Sam. the guy he’s been Told to protect his whole life. is also the person he ends up #hurting the most. it’s tragedy. it’s realistic. it’s a good fucking mess. #and that’s why I don’t get interpretations of dean that are determined to shave off the ugly parts of his character. to me those are the #parts that make him a character worth revisiting. he’s so full of love. and he uses it to hurt people. he means to sometimes. a lot of the #time he doesn’t but hurts them anyway. he has been shaped by violence his whole life. and it’s just. I get why someone might take this #part of him away. to make him easier to love. because I get that he’s stressful to watch also like I get that. but he is. #he is compelling. in his anger and his controlling behavior and his strangling love. he is compelling in all the ways he has become this. #Dean’s degradation into these behaviors can be both a failure of a show that ran to long but also the believable trajectory of a man who #can’t heal. and I love him for that. I love him for emerging from pain as a angry sharp thing. I love that it brings the glimpses of him #being gentler and recognizing his actions as bad into stark relief. I love that this recognition often only lasts until he is hurt again and #then he backpedals into the safety of behaviors he knows will allow him to control a situation through force or manipulation. #it’s good fucking mess. you know? dean winchester everybody. #maybe I should have put all that in the main post. oh well. too late now. #spn #dean winchester #tw abuse

[bonefall]

I would never harm an animal but clear sky.............. I'd kick that thang like the football

You see, it is because Clear Sky is no animal, he is simply a beast.

#Quote that goes hard that often gets left out of watership down adaptations #Is the one about Animality #It's such a good line too. I hate that it gets cut sometimes #Looking a tyrant directly in the eyes 'sir. You lack animality!' #'Humans go around fucking shit up because they cant leave well enough alone. We can appreciate life as it happens as rabbits.' #'But YOU are no animal. You lack animality' #Paraphrased but man it rocks so hard

[talentforlying]

priest: i don't, ah, quite know what to say to you. if you are in such terrible danger, why are you taking it all so calmly? constantine: hmh! i dunno, father. i had a bloke beaten to a pulp earlier this evening. that sound calm to you? priest: you did what...? constantine: i must've been off me bleedin' rocker. i've never done anything like it before in me life, y'know?

constantine: but there's header gets his guts blown out, and george is stickin' his head in the noose, and helen gets ... jesus, then friggin' sarah bites me head off — ! everything's coming to bits in me hands and it's so easy to just see red and now, shit, they could've killed the tosser for all i know! and now i'm just like the bastards i've hated all me life! kill him! fire him! close them down! piss all over him! screw you, i can do whatever i want! i so much as blink and you're dead, pal! i'm in charge!! ...

constantine: 'scuse me, father. i'm always like this when i don't get me own way. — hellblazer #81, "rake at the gates of hell pt. 4"

babygirl you are just....so, sooooo offputting. (and grieving, and guilty, and terrified, but yeah: offputting.)

anyway, it's issues like this one that remind me why i kind of hesitate over some of the retcons in the recent spurrier runs, like the one with him now having opened dream's pouch of sand and stolen some before they even met. because like, it's easy enough to look at john constantine now — with 70 years of worst possible choices and unresolved trauma crystallizing underneath his skin to cover up all the soft, hopeful bits where he's used to getting hit — and assign him arbiter of ill intentions, magus of wasted potential, saint of shit choices, but man . . . he was new to this, once. he was still new to this 80 issues in.

80 issues in, and he's not used to losing friends yet; he even has time enough between catastrophes to grieve each individual one. still has enough left to live for at this stage to necessitate running and hiding, instead of bodily throwing himself at the problem like he learns to later, or sitting apathetically by to do nothing except smoke and watch the world fall apart when he finally gives up. fuck, he still apologizes.

and you're telling me this guy, this soppy wet cat motherfucker hiding from the devil in a church basement, so guilty over not knowing what happened to the guy that he paid people (paid chas, so chas could pay people) to attack that the bottle he's holding in this scene isn't even his second or third........this guy's past, more innocent self lied right to the face of DREAM OF THE ENDLESS and got away with it?

hm. i just don't know about all that.

#also this is where my headcanons tag is from <3 #( ooc. ) OUT OF CIGS. #( visage. ) AND I'M A BASTARD. #( character study. ) A WALKING PLAGUE OF A MAN. #sometimes i just think that. people really like to reduce constantine down to one or two things #and somehow. after 250 issues of putting his life on the line bc he could never really make himself look away from people suffering #the soft sullen guilty person who wants so fucking desperately to be a better man? is never one of those two things #idk man. i think about this issue all the time #if i put these pages side-by-side with his grief in hellblazer 2? with his grief in hellblazer 213? 215? during the empathy virus arc? #it becomes CRYSTAL clear that the guy we know at the end of hellblazer isn't someone the guy who sat vigil for gary lester would recognize #in fact i think he's someone that hellblazer 81 constantine would fucking Hate #ANYway yeah. i don't think he lied to dream about the pouch. i don't think he ever got it open. i don't think that's canon for me #i want him to fucking Earn his asshole nature. the hard way. by making All The Wrong Choices that it took to get him there #he paved that road with good intentions himself but. he also used to remember the ones he started with #idk if i'm making sense but i have had this panel open on my laptop for Two Months now #bc i can never stop thinking about how fucking crushed he is here to realize that he might be exactly as bad a man as sarah said he was #and how little it will surprise him later on to learn that he is Easily capable of So Much Fuckin Worse #and with that your honor the defense rests. our evidence? just. just Look at this fuckin guy #scopophobia / #scopophobia #eye contact / #eye contact tw

[inamagicalhallucination]

i dont get when ppl say "atsushi would be horrified" at something thats probably just another tuesday for him

#yall atsushi is sheltered as in he doesn't know the real world literally cuz he was locked up #not that he doesn't know how evil or awful ppl can be #sure maybe some things he'll be horrified - especially since he usually seems to sympathize and empathize but stop treating him like he's #only seen good things in his life and doesn't know how hard it gets #i think atsushi would really only react to the specifics of dazai's relationship with akutagawa in terms of akutagawas past but i dont thin #hed start being scared of dazai or anything #i think he might take some time to process it but atsushi is aware of the dazai that dazai has changed into too #also in terms of atsushi not wanting to kill #when he realized that he killed shibusawa he had a little break down and then he got the fuck over it lmao #so idk whats this stuff about atsushi not being able to handl ever killing anyone #like he doesn't like unnecessary killing and he doesn't like not valuing life but still guys come on #also when ppl talk about atsushi not understanding or getting the fact that dazai wants to kill himself #like okay yea atsushi isnt dazai he'll never understand but sometimes ppl act like atsushi doesn't know what suicide is #or that despite his strong want and thirst to survive he also doesnt also think itd be better if hed died in a ditch #what else #also i dont like when ppl say atsushi is weirdly mean to akutagawa becuz akutagawa showed up and in a way confirmed atsushis worst fears #bringing misfortune to those around him #and then tried to kill him #and then resented him for dazai liking him more even tho thats not atsushis fault at all #fuck id throw dazai's name back at akutagawas face too #and he did come to understand and care for him to some extent #atsushi cares about akutagawa i dont understand how ppl can think he doesnt #anyway #also atsushi canonically gives ppl who've hurt him second chances like look at lucy why would he turn his back on dazai ever

[elliesbelle]

you CALL ME UP AGAIN just to BREAK ME LIKE A PROMISE

#i hate you i hate you i hate you #YOU unblocked me and fucking followed me #your fucking girlfriend CAME FOR ME #and YOU have the audacity? #‘i’m so tired of this’ i have fucking LEFT YOU ALONE FOR MONTHS #I HAVE YOU BLOCKED ON EVERYTHING #‘please move on’ you come into MY life when you feel like it to just fuck it up #fuck you #fuck you fuck you fuck you #are you not fucking TIRED OF DOING THIS TO ME #absolutely rich saying i’ve made you into a personal villain #look at everything everything EVERYTHING you’ve done to me #you’re telling me i have NO RIGHT to villainize you????? #this blog is MY own fucking personal equivalent of a journal sometimes so get the fuck out of my face #my life is fucking hard enough go fuck off and be happy with ur gf who’s fine with a cheater of a partner #fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you #v #belle speaks

[ye-xiu]

will i ever feel genuine joy about life again more often than once every six months or is this just it. like is this just going to be that for now.

#and i get the ‘it’s about small joy’ i live by that too but sometimes you just want to feel good about your life in general u know #sincerely feel like i fucked up one thing and now it’s just. ramifications of that forever and ever. well we will see i guess #one of the things is that what happened made it really really hard for me to talk to people and be a good friend again #and like wanting to talk about myself bc well the last time i did that it came down so horrendously i don’t know how to work through it rn #i am working through it but i feel like it will take months and years longer to come back to a state of myself where i feel genuinely good #i will unpack 2022 / 23 for years to come anyway just had to put this somewhere #gonna delete it later peace and love on planet earth #al.txt #tbd.