#tbh i actually like my therapist

[stuckinapril]

I’m finally biting the bullet and contacting a therapist today after being ambivalent ab it for so long… this hellsite has its many disadvantages but one thing I can say is it has truly helped me be less scared of pursuing therapy. Silver lining etc etc

#And to be clear I have nothing against therapy. I’ve seen it do wonders for other people #I think the reason it’s a point of defeat (just a little) for me to be like ok. I need a therapist. Is bc I’m admitting to myself that I #need one to begin w. And I get it’s not healthy but I always liked to think I could handle anything by myself #That was even the whole point of this blog. It was supposed to serve as a conduit for these feelings #And I’m not saying I don’t have a support system. I do. I have many wonderful friends #But I struggle to be vulnerable at all tbh and whenever I am I’m guilty ab it bc #I understand so many people have busy lives & I feel like an emotional burden on them by venting #Despite them telling me that it’s totally fine. Obvi a therapist is literally paid to listen so no guilt there #And I think that’s what I need #I’m not like on the brink of a psychotic break or anything but it’s just little things. I think it’d be nice to sit in someone’s office for #One hour a week and just go. That did bother me actually. I am tired actually. I do feel that way actually. #Rather than just burying my feelings w school and a busy schedule #I don’t think therapy will make me any less of a workaholic anytime soon but it’ll at least allow me to slow down one hour a week #And also not bottle shit up so fuckin much #But ya all of this is to say I’m drafting the email to her RIGHT now . #Starting the day off strong by oversharing on tumblr dot com

[angelosearch]

okay had this thought in my head for awhile just wanted to put it down somewhere. This is me trying to apply psychology/neurology/therapy concepts to the GF game mechanic.

Gaurdian Forces. They provide incredible power, increased defense, amazing abilities, and super attacks. In exchange, they occupy the part of the brain that handles memory (and I would argue specifically long-term memory).

In real life, when you encounter a scenario that triggers your amygdala (flight or fight response), your amygdala hijacks the rest of your brain as it is focusing on just keeping you alive in that moment. Sometimes that means you develop a memory of the scenario that is crystal clear, as you had focus on specifc things in the moment to stay safe. But other times it can result in ineffective storage of memories - they are fragmented or impaired.

So in FF8, these child soldiers are being asked to trigger there amygdala on a daily basis with combat. Children are already traumatized more easily because they have less context of what a threat is. Is it that summoning the gfs make you forget, or are you breaking your brain being forced into fight-or-flight scenarios because you have gfs equipped so you are physically strong enough to face those battles?

Alternately...

In the therapy modality of Internal Family Systems (IFS), clients identify 'parts' of themselves. Like "part of me is angry about this, part of me feels ashamed of this," etc. Some of these 'parts' play a bigger role than others. These are called the 'Protectors' and they are parts you develop to keep you 'safe.' (Mentally or physically.) Protectors are basically our internal coping skills, good or bad. A certain Protector may make sense when you were in one unsafe scenario, but now that you're out of it, that coping skill may be holding you back in your present situation.

ANYWAY, Protectors can take the form of blocking memories. These Protectors can give you "strength" and save you from being vulernable, but at what cost?

Your memories.

Anyway I guess the point of this ramble is Squall is the strongest because he's the most traumatized.

#I feel like I oversimplified this way too much #But I actually DID tell my therapist about the GF/memory thing and she was convinced #I have more thoughts about how EMDR would work with GF memories too but tbh I want to do more research #Ff8 #Ffviii #final fantasy 8 #final fantasy viii #squall leonhart #squall #occult fan ii content

[bi-buck-coded]

.

#ik that i need to be honest with my doctor and tell him i havent been taking my meds… #but what if i lie instead and somehow fic it myself #its just what if like i tell him how long i havent been taking them and he decides that i dont deserve them?? #which isnt likely and would b a very shitty thing to do that i think legally he might not b able to do but #what if??? #i might lie a little and tell him but say its been a shorter amount of time than it actually has been #dude idk but im starting to feel like possibly i might have an episode soon like it feels like one might b coming on and im scared tbh #like idk at this point theres not much i can really do except make aure im getting sleep and continuing to go to my lifting classes #but ya idk #i need to figure out how to get back on track with my meds but im scared to talk to him abt it bc i Just started seeing him #i also start therapy with a new therapist tomorrow and thats scary #but maybe i could talk to het abt it idk

[linabirb]

please i just want to stop feeling hungy

#it's actually insane like it's only been an hour since i've eaten and i have to eat something again. #i've talked about this with my therapist but tbh she also had no idea why this is happening #maybe it's not a mental thing but more like. a physical thing #can asahi yano and yurika maruyama please stop controlling me like i'm getting ratatouilled #[ 💚 𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐚 𝐭𝐚𝐥𝐤𝐬 ]

[ubereatsyourpussy]

not to sound ridiculous but damn this current college situation has got me feeling the worst despair ive ever felt before LMAO

#im just sick and tired of not being able to exceed like i want to #or to at least do a little bit better than nothing #i need a therapist who's actually going to help w my anxiety #or at least see me in person #at this point im paying an exuberant amount of money every month for a zoom call about How I'm Doing Lately #and How Did That Make You Feel etc etc #no hate to my therapist i just need help that is 1. in person and 2. psychiatric #ive hit my limit of being ruled by my own depression and anxiety #ive struggled so much these past few years tbh #also i wanna add im not a danger to myself or others dw!!! its not that kind of depression rn #I'll be fine i just wanna see a new therapist and a psychiatrist #anyways #ciara.txt

[phrogarmyinvasion]

this just in: 19 year old crumples under the weight of academics, legal battle preparation, ongoing and unresolved trauma, lack of sleep, activism, and an identity crises. critics have claimed it is "not healthy to drink coffee and avoid sleeping", but their cries have so far gone unheard. the 19 year old in question is unsure what can be done to aid in their situation, and continues to overwork themself without sustaining a healthy diet. more on this after the break

#life #life is hard #my therapist doesn't get paid enough for this #tbh neither do i #i need to get paid more #ptsd #no like actually #actually ptsd #reliving trauma #i'm done #i can't #i hate it here #i hate this #fight the system #fight the power #but please take care of yourself #i would kill for a cigarette right now and i don't even smoke

[merevide]

sdfghjkl i have state-mandated exams starting tomorrow that determine if i graduate also fragile mental health this week and listening to home video by lucy dacus a normal amount but tbh i'm chilling totally

#also i have to take the SAT in one month. totallyyyy chilling. i take more breaks than i'm meant to but tbh #i'm exhaustedddd. but i also dont have the academic legroom to be exhausted #bc i was early on and that fucked literally everything up sooo i gotta work like 10x harder #n if i flunk this basically all the good work will feel insignificant #will try to be on here more once i'm done w/ exams but i wont be fully done until april n then i got more stuff to #worry about in may/june not even mentioning all the shit i gotta do for fucking college. #still not 100% sure what i actually want to do BTW. so pray i figure that out asap #goddd i dont wanna be a human being. dont wanna. really do anything tbh #but also i'm clinically depressed according to every therapist i've had ever n anyone who's ever looked at me. FORK SPOTTED IN KITCHEN #but yeah complaining. boo/ gn.. #stream home video. good album but idk much about good music i listen to whatever. please stay + hot n heavy + cartwheel + thumbs my faves #my text #Spotify

[machidielontheway]

i am chatty today because i've got ✨The Anxieties✨

i choose to stop two choirs this year cause i didn't have fun like before (a long while, actually) and i had said to friends "i will come back with you to this other choir, the one we met all in, like you already have since a year". and i really thought i would cause it would let me keep community, and a regular occasion to work on what we'd see with my singing teacher.

but in the last two months i felt so relieved and free to not have to go back to the choirs i stopped, i began feeling like going to this other one would be again 'stiffling', even tho it's at a very low level (beginner level, altho a good beginner level). and that it would become a chore again.

i went to the open session yesterday and seeing all my friends and having fun in the warm up was really, really nice. but the choir work in itself, while of good sound quality and with a good chef, was so sloooow to my own needs. and we can't talk for real when in session, or just quick when the voice working is changing, so it's texting or nothing.

and i felt that i would be soon unfulfilled / bored in it, of the pace, and also the songs are nice but not really my taste (it was once 100%, but now it's only 50% to what i heard was planned.)

cons : - lot of people, mask is somehow accepted. i don't want to go back to singing in mask because it's really hard and creates problems which i have already, in terms of Singing. but given how covid moves lately i also don't want to be in 60 people's company in one medium room without a mask. - "slow" pace, potentially boring "what am i doing here" thinking. i could definitively bring something to do, or just read or something, as lot of people do, but i don't want my choir experience to be "you come for 2 hours and, besides warming up, you sing 15 of them". i know a good numbers of good / high level singers are in this choir and don't mind cause the ambiance is really nice, the quality is here, and the community is good, but i don't think i would have liked it. - i already have three weeks a night taken (danse, tv night with friend<3, and instrument soon if i'm not averse to it after the trial class tonight). going to choir would make it four nights a week taken every weeks (unless i double one night which is possible but not ideal especially on the long term). and i want that time to try new things / try to go forward in my life ! - i don't want to double down on my "choir the last years has been more of a duty sometimes than anything else" and continue and risk disliking it even more. i feel like simply singing in the grass or in a church with friends brings me much more pleasure, simple giddy fulfilling and without anxieties. yeah i can't sing masterpieces i've been dreaming to sing since years, needing 40 persons, but those masterpieces are not going away. they will still be sung in years and years (indodana and baba yetu my beloved)(that, funnily enough, are going to be sung this year in one of the choir i left lol. didn't change my decision) - having "one night more" gives me a little more time to try to be more active in reaching out to friends and proposing drinks or outings or so (....maybe. that's the plan. "if you wish you had a friend like that, be that friend" post)

pros : - singing and spending a little time every week with my friends, who as adult is hard to do in other circomstances ! - not feeling like my friends are having fun and sharing time together and i'm all alone not being there :( - working on what i'm working on with my singing teacher... maybe (loosing your long-time used crutches / wrong things you did because you didn't know better is very hard in context of choir where you body has sooo many automatisms)

So cons are winning a lot. but i'm so scared i'm making the wrong choice !! especially imagining them all having fun and feeling like i'm the one not there, shunned of my own desire. it uh. it hit a little bit deep in the never healed wound in my heart.

#3615 my life #posts that makes me fidgety cause if someone irl read that they would know who i am #and i could not say 'it's another person in the same situation !' #anyway. inscription are today and places are limited #so if Instrument i really dislike tonight i will try to sign up for choir anyway even though i may not get a place #as i'm sure every other new singer want to be in #but i don't want instrument to not be cool !! i have thought of doing it for the last two years so i'm excited to try it #recipe against anxiety is doing things so i will go do things now #and cry a bit #because losing the community of choir -even if i wasn't really using it tbh... sometimes it was more awkward than anything actually #but it's still scary because i'm very scared of feeling alone cause i'm actually lonely. so. #but it's time for change. and if i see i don't like it then i will know ! pain is only information your brain gives you !!! #god i need to find a therapist.

[mercyluvsyouuu]

I had a dream where I was running outside the other night. I was in my backyard and it was getting dark and I was running around. My dad was outside next to a campfire and I just kept running. I felt so free. I felt alive and every single muscle in my body was screaming that exact message: "RIGHT NOW, YOU ARE ALIVE. MAYBE NOT TOMMOROW OR THE NEXT, OR MAYBE YOU WERENT EVEN ALIVE YESTERDAY, BUT TODAY YOU ARE ALIVE AND YOU CAN FEEL IT." And I've never felt something like it. Not even in real life. But then someone who I can't remember the face or name of came out of my house and they were crying. I tried to help them but it didn't work, and they just kept crying. Any sense of freedom I had was gone so quickly, and I felt like I was just forced to stay at their side for the rest of the dream. I couldn't keep running because they needed me, yet I wanted nothing more than just to leave them there

#mercy talks #this isnt like a fictional writing piece this is an actual dream i had btw #i just. the way i write it makes it sound that way even to me tbh 😭 #dreams #weird dreams #poetry #i guess #writing #my writing #last night i dreamt #i cant wait to bring up all the weird dreams i have when i finally have a therapist

[pinegreentea]

Why why why

Am I self sabotagin so much again? I'm onto you, brain, you might be winning now...

#personal #like im scared of sleep again and instead of taking my sleeping meds i just stay up til 5 in the morning #and other things #tbh not doing great my dudes #my therapists say i should consider getting hospitalised again #but i really dont want to. like really really do not want to. #and i usually accept hospitalisations when its kinda already too late if u get what im saying #and my therapists say i should consider just going so I'll prevent another crisis #which makes sense but.. still nah #anyway #mental illness #actually mentally ill #actually schizo #actuallytraumatized #actually clinically depressed #actually autistic #actually schizoaffective #rant

[robinsnest2111]

please don't look too closely at the fact I crave unconditional love and attention in the way pets get unconditional love and attention. because they're adorable and lovable without having to earn it or actively put effort into being so in the eyes of others. they just are. please don't psychoanalyse me and my trauma and mental illnesses through that lense

#therapists would have a field day with my late night mental illness posts and realisations tbh #also still stuck in the stupid thought loop of: i am traumatised and mentally ill BUT ALSO i am totally fine and just a whiny weak baby #who needs to just tough up and shut up and just Be Normal because nothing really traumatic happened to me and i'm just too stupid and soft #but also!!! there was physical and emotional abuse !!!! but it wasn't bad!!!!! but it was there and it did something to my brain!!! #BUT IT WASN'T BAD AND I SHOULD BE FINE ACTUALLY!!!! AND I SHOULDN'T BE SO WEAK AND SICK FROM IT #but i am!!!! but i shouldn't!!!! because it wasn't bad. it was almost nothing!!!! and almost nothing should NOT fuck your brain up so much #so i should be fine and go on with normal adult life!!!! but somehow i CANNOT and it is frustrating as hell!!!!!!! #just WORK like you SHOULD you silly brain body thing!!!!!!!!! #rinse and repeat rinse and repeat

[bucky-barnes-diaries]

Some venting in the tags because sometimes it’s easier to vent into the void than talk to my therapist 🙂 Although I should probably make an appointment and bring this up with her. Don’t mind me being depressed for a minute 😂 Carry on with your whoring and other shenanigans

#I’m so deeply depressed that it’s not even funny anymore 🙂 #Even with all the help I’m getting with therapy and how wonderful my parents are in letting me know that they’re here for me and will help #me no matter what I’m still so fucking depressed and bordering falling into a deep dark fucking hole 🙂 #And I feel so guilty because with all this help and love? I surely shouldn’t be feeling like this? #It just fucking sucks and I literally just want to disappear into a fucking cabin in the woods away from all the bullshit #that’s making me so depressed and miserable. #This is kind of dark but I don’t want to live but at the same time I don’t want to die(?) #Idk I find pleasure and joy sometimes in the small things but at the same time I just don’t feel any real joy or light deep inside me. #It kind of feels fake? Forced maybe? This joy I sometimes get. Because I think I just feel empty mostly. #Like there is no real life in me or something. I always think I’m overreacting or being dramatic but this is literally how I feel. #I’ve been trying to suppress this for so long and act like everything fine but I don’t have the strength for that anymore tbh. #So idk? Am I actually depressed or just overreacting? I should probably be asking my therapist this and not the Tumblr void 😂 #and I’m sending a little hug and strength out into the dark void of anyone needs it 🫂

[starlitwishes]

"... What the hell is a 'therapist'?"

A person with a service you desperately need!

#muse: Wrenn #technically dash commentary but not really #Saw a thread where therapists were mentioned on my dash and this thought came to my brain #Wrenn my good god you're a disaster #I unfortunately imagine that any therapist looking at Wrenn's history of trauma would just die on the spot tbh #Like #That's 400-500 years of so much Trauma to Unpack #Still Wrenn does need therapy desperately ngl #I've been tempted to make a Therpist Fandom OC for a while actually #an immortal one for all of the immortal beings who desperately need it #fmdklmgkdgnmkfjdnhlkfd

[behind-the-sc3ne]

sometimes i think about trying dating apps/online dating in general but i don't think i'll be able to attach to a real person again

#cw vent #oversharing #shoutout to the people who ruined it for everyone #like don't get me wrong i want (and probably need) relationships with real people #but how am i supposed to do that when i don't even have the courage to message first #at a glance i seem pretty open and honest about who i am and what i've experienced #but there's a lot of things i'll never talk about. not online or irl. #i can't open up fully to my therapist (who i've had for two or three years at this point) #so how am i ever going to have normal relationships? #there's people both online and irl actively trying to befriend me but i don't know how to react #how can i trust them? #i feel like they don't know me well enough to want to be my friend but how are they supposed to know me if i never talk to them #i think the biggest problem is i don't know what's appropriate to discuss. (<- autistic) #i always accidentally overshare or talk too much and become annoying or make them uncomfortable etc #and i can't talk about my interests over and over because it'll get repetitive and annoying #and no one cares anyway. #about any of it tbh. i'll be honest and say that humans are very self-centered. #we want relationships to make OURSELVES feel better #i'm convinced no one actually cares about me and they just want to talk to me because i'm cool #they're not looking for anything mutually fulfilling. they're not looking for anything meaningful or long-term. #they just want short term pleasure #and i'll be honest. so do i. i'm not going to be around for much longer so it's all i can get. #i'll likely kill myself before next year is over and no one's going to miss me #can't say i blame them. i don't think i'd miss anything.

[spacejammie-eimmajecaps]

Immovable object (my chronic fatigue) vs unstoppable force (my desire to do literally anything other than lie in bed)

#was cooking nonstop for an hour yesterday #then did a bunch of dishes and some cleaning #my body did not appreciate that #i could tell when i was going to bed last night that i overdid it #but today was worse than i thought it would be #btw ive been trying to process my grief or whatever over losing so much of my ability to function over the past year #its not going well #thought a therapist might help but the ones i found and liked dont take my insurance #my last therapist specialized in trauma (was good at helping me process that) but isnt a good listener lol so i need someone else #im not thay motivated to find a new one though tbh #its a hassle and im too exhausted to deal with it #maybe ill save up all these feelings and put it into a fic someday #i talked to a fandom friend once about writing a story about a disabled character so maybe ill actually do that #someday #after i finish sgb #which will be a long time from now #a long long long time #at this rate #its so frustrating to be incapable of doing the things i want to do #especially when those things were within my capabilities not that long ago #i have to chill out about it though because emotions use energy and i have so very little of that to spare #ha ha #ha ha ha ha ha #its all good #we press on

[weirdlizard26]

i guess the thing abt the diagnosis for me is that. nothing has ever been severe for me. its just kinda. annoying and vaguely concerning. people with the real disorder are out there suffering and im just. mildly bothered. but im still diagnosed nonetheless? sounds fake

#wl26 #and its not just abt ocd. well it kinda is bc thats the only diagnosis ive got #but like with all the other suspected disorders too #like the other day i told mom that i brought up with the therapist that i struggle with studying and preparing for classes #and then a few days later she was napping while i studied #and she said hey maybe its not a disorder problem. maybe its just because ur always getting distracted to text somebody #and i didnt wanna admit it to her so i took evasive action but like fuck! maybe so! #n she said maybe if you just closed all ur apps for an hour and focused on studying maybe then u would get it right #n im like fuck! maybe ! #but i dont want to is the thing KFJDNGDFGD #guy who is so painfully lonely every second of his existence. tbh #i dont want to have to NOT talk to my friends. i dont want to #so its like. do i actually have adhd or am i just a stubborn childish loser who deliberately refuses to put effort into ANYTHING #bleh