#that’s not the way the world works

[clanoffelidae]

I’m always scared of jinxing myself by opening my mouth and saying I’m ‘not physically disabled anymore’ or that ‘my cyclic vomiting is gone’; because there’s no cure and we don’t know why it sometimes just… stops. There’s not even really any medication to manage it you just kind of… try to work through it and manage symptoms and side effects as best you can. Namely, the dehydration due to excessive vomiting being the main concern. (Have had abdominal spasms due to becoming dehydrated from it before. Took me 5-6 minutes to army crawl six feet to the shower, wiggle out of my clothes, and stretch up to turn on the hot water to try and soothe the muscles I was in so much pain. It was also like 4am and I was at a homestay in another country so fuck me I guess lol. Fortunately my homestay actually spoke English; which worked out because I speak Spanish decently well so I was making an active effort to converse with her and practice before I got sick, she was extremely helpful because I mainly needed help with specific vocabulary/phrases and she could help me translate them, and then when I got sick and was so exhausted I could barely communicate in English anymore I was able to drop the Spanish and still be understood and given help. That’s a tangent tho lol sorry)

And that’s true of a lot of physical disabilities, sadly, so I’m sure many of you can understand why I’m scared of it. Because I’m one of the lucky ones, even when my condition was at it’s worst I had more good days than bad. One of the defining characteristics of CVS is that in between episodes you would never know something is wrong with us.

And sometimes people just… ‘grow out of it’, so to speak. It most commonly affects children, even being thought of as a pediatric disease, and then just goes away when they get older. I was a weird case, I had two sporadic episodes in high school and then it hit me hard basically as soon as I got to college; it only ever happened when I was an adolescent/adult.

During the worst of it I would have episodes as little as 3 weeks apart; I’d be in severe agony and vomiting profusely for around 24 hours, take several days for the pain to go away (the episode was over but I was sore after the vomiting), and about a week for the brain fog and lethargy to clear up. I knew my stomach was empty, I knew I had nothing in it, but it felt so swollen and I was convinced it was about to tear open like an overfilled balloon. The condition is believed to be related to migraine headaches and I believe it - my severe migraines are the throbbing kind where it feels like my head is about to explode, and that is the exact same kind of pain I was feeling in my stomach. Those same, unique qualities that differentiate the pain of a migraine from another headache were exactly what I felt in my abdomen. I was also light and sound sensitive, seeking darkness and solitude; although it didn’t cause literal pain to be exposed to light and sound like with a migraine headache, it stressed me out for ‘seemingly no reason’, overwhelming me and increasing my pain as a result of the stress and desire for the stimulus to go away.

My last episode was in 2019. I only even had frequent episodes for a little over 2 years.

And I’m still deathly afraid of every new medication I try because I don’t know why it stopped. Nothing about my lifestyle changed, nothing about my habits. I was never able to identify any triggers like with my headaches, it just sort of ‘happened’ as far as I could tell.

I have no idea why it started and no idea why it stopped.

And I’m constantly fucking terrified that I’ll fuck something up and it’ll come back, that this time of peace and ‘health’ is temporary. I’m so fucking scared because it hurts so fucking much and I don’t want to be in pain again.

I don’t want to be in pain again.

And I don’t know why I’m bringing this up or what I’m trying to say really. I guess I just want to get my fears written down because they’re circling in my head again.

And I guess I also want to say that I’m sorry. I’m sorry to everyone who suffers with a ‘hidden’ condition that no one believes you about, I’m sorry for everyone who is barely dragging themselves through it day by day; in pain, exhausted, and with the people around them burnt out on offering help because ‘why can’t you just get better already’.

I’m lucky, I’m so very, very lucky that for whatever reason my episodes just… stopped. They just stopped. And even still I live aware of the sword dangling over my head, never believing that the dragon is actually dead and is only just sleeping, still there to be reawakened if I mess up (when I don’t have the slightest idea what or where that invisible line I must never cross is), and I never dare to say that I’m ‘cured’ because I don’t believe in miracles like that. It’s a miracle that they stopped, and I’m grateful for it, but I will never dare to believe that they couldn’t come roaring right back any day.

Disability can happen to anyone, and I’m vividly aware that my old pain could be stumbled into at any minute, along with any number of other things, and I’m so sorry to everyone who still lives with their pain that is a constant companion. Mine is sleeping, but I remember it well for how it burned like the sun, to the point that I was able to identify sporadic episodes years after the fact that I had thought only stomach bugs because they were so horrible.

Pain is good, but not like this.

Pain is meant to be a teacher, a protector. A warning system of ‘hey! Don’t do that! We could get hurt!’ Your body’s way of keeping you safe and alive; don’t touch the fire because it hurts, don’t touch the fire because it could kill you. Pain is life’s way of steering you away from death, of keeping you safe and alive; letting you know there’s damage so you know to keep that part safe while it heals and use it less. Because when you’re about to walk into the flames your body doesn’t have the time to sit down and explain it to you gently, it has to alert you ‘NOW. PULL BACK NOW!’

Pain is meant to be a good thing; it’s meant to keep you alive and to protect you, to teach you about danger so you know how to be safe, and go let you know when you’ve been damaged so that you can make sure to give the damage time to heal.

But it’s not meant to be there all the time; it’s not meant to be constantly flashing the alarms when there’s nothing to be done, your body trying to help and let you know that something’s wrong when there’s nothing you can do. It’s not meant to linger until it breaks you, to weigh on your shoulders until you struggle to see the good past it. But just like with any good thing, so often does it become ill.

Pain is a constant companion for too many of us, and I’m so, so sorry for that.

You shouldn’t have to be strong.

I’m sorry.

I just wanted to let you all know that.

#vomiting #cyclic vomiting syndrome #actually disabled #disability #chronic pain #recurrent pain #i hate how pain is such a beautiful thing #your body’s alert system and life’s way of making sure you stay alive #protecting you - teaching you - keeping you safe and helping you to heal #letting you know what you need to #and it just gets twisted into something horrible #becoming chronic and never leaving and breaking you down #being used intentionally by others for cruel devices #and i just. i don’t know. #it upsets me is all #i’m sorry to everyone who has to be strong #you shouldn’t have to be #i’m sorry #life’s hard and survival’s not easy #that’s not the way the world works #i get that and i accept that #but this is more than that #and it’s not fair #and i’m sorry for that #i get that life is a constant battle for survival #but you shouldn’t be having to fight with yourself

[fandomsandfeminism]

Yall wanna hear a kinda funny, kinda sad story about my grandmother and hetero-normativity?

Ok, so... when my grandmother was in her 50s (I was an infant), she met a woman at the Unitarian Church. And, as can happen when you meet your soul mate, this event made it impossible for her to deny parts of herself that she had fiercely hidden her whole life.

All the drama- their affair being found out, the divorce with my grandfather, the court battle over who got the house, happened while I was a baby. Even in my earliest memories, it's just Mama Jo and Oma, and my grandfather lived elsewhere (first his own apartment, then a nursing home, then with us.)

But here's the thing- no one ever explained any of this to me. No one ever sat down and was like "hey, Rosie, so do you know what a lesbian is?" It was the 90s. It was Texas. I think my mom was still kinda processing all this, and just assumed that like... I was gonna figure it out. Don't mention it, let it just be normal. Like I think my mom thought that if she explained the situation, she would be making it weird? I dunno.

But like. In the 90s, in all the movies I had seen and books I had read, do you know how many same sex couples I had seen? Like. 0. Do you know how many "platonic best friend/roommates" I had seen? A lot. I had no context, is what I'm saying.

I literally thought this was a Golden Girls, roommates, besties situation until I was like...I dunno, 11? 12?

It was actually their parrot, an African Grey named Spike, imitating my grandmothers voice saying "Johanna, honey, it's getting late", that triggered the MIND BLOWN moment as I realized that *there's only one master bedroom and it only has 1 waterbed* when all the pieces finally clicked.

Anyway. I think it's a real important thing for kids to know queer people exist, for a lot of reasons, but also because kids can be clueless and it's embarrassing to have your grandmother be outted by a parrot because everyone just thought you'd figure it out on your own.

Anyway, here is my grandma and her wife, my Oma, after they moved to Albuquerque to be artsy gay cowboys and live their best life. They helped run a "Lesbian Dude Ranch" out there (basically just with funding and financial support. As Oma has explained "traditionally, most lesbians don't have a lot of money" so they wrote the checks and let the younger ladies actually run the ranch.)

#this is the grandmother who passed away unexpectedly earlier this month #she was so cool yall #and so weird #they got married twice by the way once when Massachusetts legalized it and once when New Mexico did #they hiked the grand canyon together #they had a european river cruise planned for this fall #she was 89 and she wanted to see the whole world with her wife #and they were working on it #literally i thought they were roommates #and there was only one bed

[extravapalooza]

scans from a minizine from late last year! risograph with collage. part of a bigger project on trans relationships to the body thru cyborgs but i got distracted making pinups

more scans

#HI WORLD. i havent posted on here in so long.... life stuff getting in the way of me making work i liked #but im back on it and excited to share the stuff im working on now yayy #trans art #cyborgs #risograph #my art

[stuckinapril]

friend wanted to see my tumblr, and when i told him i can’t show it to him bc it’s basically my personal diary he went “oh so I can’t see it but a bunch of strangers on tumblr can??” he literally does not get me. no one will get me like the people in my phone get me

#It’s just so different #even though it’s public it still feels secret and safe. i feel comfy sharing a lot more on here than I do in my actual day to day life lol #in my head I’m also just speaking to myself 90% of the time which helps #if a friend off tumblr saw my thoughts I’d feel so weird ab it #esp bc they might get the vagueposting about certain situations and tell mutual friends #no thank u. this is for me. I’m not about to start censoring my thoughts bc someone I know knows my tumblr #u guys literally saw me have LIVE BREAKDOWNS #meanwhile I’ll have the worst fucking day in history and tell no one about it. I’m already cripplingly private but way more so in real life #this is basically a low stress journaling outlet for me. it’s so important for me to maintain the separation #like this is actually my diary & has been so handy for letting out emotions / articulating thoughts / staying on track !! #& I’ve met so many kind people on here who actually get me. which is so hard to find irl bc I’m surrounded by pre-med gunners/overachievers #who are by standard not very good w emotion & can be competitive/judgmental. or at least it’s hard for me to be vulnerable in front of them #and I’m part of that crowd so I reserve my emotions only to a handful of very close friends #it’s nice to hop on here and express negative emotions!! or positive emotions!! just whatever I want and it’s low stress and people get me #I don’t have to worry about judgment or competitiveness etc etc #like everyone on here is so kind & nice & understanding. & just a breath of fresh air from the types I run w. it’s just nice to have this #so idk that’s why I think I’ll always be strict about keeping the worlds separate. it just works #p

[hypewinter]

During a press conference for the newest Justice League member, Phantom, a reporter asks him "Do you have anything to say to all the children who aspire to be like you?"

Phantom looked at the reporter puzzled before saying, "Children wanna be like me? Why? I'm a bad influence."

#dp x dc #dc x dp #dpxdc #dcxdp #hyper prompts #danny gets war flashbacks to his days as a feral traumatized teen in way over his head and shivers #completely forgetting that's he's spent the last few years working closely with the jla to make the world a better place #something that a lot of children dream of #nope instead he's shitting bricks because “am i inspiring child to off themselves to gain powers!?” #and of course all of his naysayers are about to use this clip for everything

[vynnyal]

Some comics

#rain world #comic #rw hunter #five pebbles #spearmaster #rivulet #artificer #First one is back when I first started to learn how play the game seriously #And was super jumpy about enemies because of it. Kept killing things before our buddy had the chance to try #I'm better now lmfao but it was still funny #Also I never draw riv the same way twice. Literally #I just choose a random pink purple and blue #Hope it works out #art

[kagoutiss]

pelican town, ‘72

#stardew valley #stardew valley spoilers #sdv #sdv spoilers #grandpa #mister qi #mr. qi #idk how dates work in stardew universe im just bullshittin #i love qi’s huge fucking eyebrows you dont notice them at first but theyre there #(gives our collective grandpa a ponytail) i think he had one. whatever #’why isnt mister qi blue’ my hc is he is blue from long-term iridium supplementation #and was originally just a regular person #but also it’s nice to see ur fav be like a normal human color #if u read tag essays tho consider this: #qi discovers secret to immortality (consuming iridium in a specific manner) #wants to share discovery with his farmer (player’s grandpa) and in that way. they will have all the time in the world to build #a perfect farming/business empire whose legacy will last forever and ever and theyll be 2gether forever #but it turns out. like a lot of normal people would. his farmer does not want to live forever #and obv he doesn’t #in an attempt to try not to ever lose the thing that means more to him than anything else in the world. qi inadvertantly ensures he will #because his farmer is dead. and he’s going to live forever #but. it’s kind of ok. because he has infinite money and was able to figure out how to talk to his dead bf #and now YOU help them fulfill their joint goal of making the farm’s legacy last forever #smile. heart #sobbing

[mwagneto]

im so glad almost all detective media seems to recognise the very important fact that being a detective is inherently homosexual

#just the way the world works man! #please GOD someone make h&w kiss it's all i need. they've already been canon gay once each just make them kiss. #barking #glass onion #knives out #poirot #sherlock holmes #sh stuff #im Not tagging all of them there's so mf many that i like. #tbh i should make a gay detective show reclist im literally thee guy

[arundolyn]

happy testament tuesday

#testament #guilty gear #guilty gear strive #ggst #guilty gif #crow.gif #taunts #poses #uhhh i think thats it. jesus its been a while #anyway happy birthday tes Testament Tuesday be upon ye #literally been meaning to do like Any gifs of them forever and post them on a tuesday as funny joke #but the world works in strange ways (tuesday birthday YIPPEE) #note for anyone checking the op for info on the source: their pronouns are they/them!! #like canonically!!

[domirine]

ever seen a man so beautiful you ram your bike into his flowers?

my full piece for the retrouvailles zine! i had a lot of fun painting it. hope you enjoy looking at the lil details, plants, and the only character who has his shit together (the dog)

#art #jjba #avpol #mohammed avdol #jean pierre polnareff #iggy #i suppose! he sure is here after all. #i sat on this for a long while and i'm very happy that the whole zine is out i had a nice time working with everyone there #also i like participating in zines. just saw another jojo one i would have loved to apply but you know how it is #the world shows you zine info only after the artists are announced lol looking forward to seeing it either way #ok enough babblin. stay cool

[ryllen]

how nice it is if the phone headmage gave u actually has special magic attribute, where it has very shitty network on twisted wonderland universe, but actually very good to connect back and forth between your world to twisted wonderland

#just a what if #twisted wonderland #twst #twst yuu #twst mc #twst grim #sebek zigvolt #ace trappola #deuce spade #imagine u can throw things into yuu's coffin and it is magically sent to her world #and it'd be great if it works the opposite way too somehow #maybe it connected to a magical box that suddenly appears at yuu's room #who knows who knows #but with the power of headcanon everything can happen to make the separation less sad #one of those days one would try to fit their own body too into yuu's coffin jk or am i #yuu is a bit more loose in her own world #that's why her expression soften too #one day they will find a way to connect the two worlds #they will

[tomatoart]

coffee cheetos chicken

#jerma985 fanart #jercula #jerma985 #ster #jerma #sterlovesfood #can his bitch ass get a fanbase. or a tag that works. thanks #my favorites :) also I’m in Vegas RIGHT NOW and I’m not at the nyp show… the world works in mysterious ways #i was at wwwy fest and it was so much fun :) my first music thing ever and it was so cool and it was w my best friends one of which is our #first irl meet up after over 6 yrs:D no one cares I just wanna say it whatever anywyas ily all have a good day jerma was so fine last night #also I hate how this looks but I need to post jerma jerma jerma my autism yay ok bye

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Bare skin, bare feelings.

[First] Prev <–-> Next

#poorly drawn mdzs #mdzs #lan wangji #wei wuxian #blood #Imagine coming off as homophobic to your crush so bad he weaponizes a strip tease against you. #LWJ is just having a storm of bad emotions. His tummy hurt real bad and he was just trying to be brave about it! #WWX is just trying to be a good bro and heal his friendcrush. It worked but not for the reasons he thinks it did. #LWJ's shyness is also hilarious here considering they have bathed together before. Literally nothing there he hasn't seen before. #Granted it was a few years back and before he was left to stew in his feelings. #LWJ is more focused on his pride than being responsible and reasonable (getting is wounds treated). #His arc really is about accepting that he can't be perfect. That there is importance in being honest and vulnerable. #The tragedy is that he realizes this way too late. #Pride is the worst sin because it destroys your ability to protect anything other than the smallest crown in the world. #When everyone is gone and you are left alone - was it worth it to feel safe and protected from showing your flaws? #Control over oneself is in conflict with connection to others. You cannot pick both. #Hanguang-jun appears to us as a 'perfect guy' but the truth is that he is the version of LWJ who is done with *needing* that validation. #And this time - He can properly reach out to those he wants to be close with.

[wyvernity]

been thinking about the sinnohtrio lately......plus misc other stuff

also, casual ko-fi drop!! get something in this sketchy style starting at $10 woop woop

#finally decided to do a commission test run u_u #pokemon #trainer lyra #trainer kris #trainer dawn #trainer lucas #rival barry #rival silver #ayalumi #hisuian zorua #luxio #timeskip tag #rkgk #anyway it's sinnoh time !!! #still figuring out their designs and lore but this works for now #god's specialest little guys & their very normal bestfriend who they would kill/die for. up to interpretation who is killing/dying #dawn is the platinum protag who meets giratina and becomes champion #distortion world affected her way more than compared to cynthia and cyrus since she's still a developing kid. but hey cool ghost hair! #4-5 yrs later lucas gets blasted to hisui..lost his memory for the three years he's there and when arceus sends him back he's just like Man #the entire time barry is CHILLING PLAYING HAVING FUN #and forever worried abt his friends ): dawn & lucas are soo nonchalant about what happened to them it's a bit concerning to everyone else #design comments umm the only thing that matters is that they still have their og scarves 👍 #and i guesss these are spring/summer outfits. winter dawn gets leggings and big coat ok. she already has too much yin energy #btw i use the cleanse tag as the direct opposition to the spell tag even tho that's probably not a real thing LOL) #oh yea barry wears the tower master ribbon 24/7. tower tycoon in training and won't shut up about it (i love him) #character dynamics i will talk abt that in another post if i feel like it... these days i just want to go replay pla aughh

[positivelyadhd]

reminder that making time for your friends, even when you're tried and socialising feels overwhelming is important to do every so often. it's especially important to do this actually.

time alone can be good, for a time, but humans are social creatures and we need to talk to people, there's nothing wrong with that!!

sometimes the more time you spend alone the more your brain will tell you to stay alone. that's not true, you're allowed to (and should!!) see people that are important to you. sometimes that alone can be surprisingly healing.

#hello again!! #ive been in a bit of a SLUMP and started isolating myself but i just visited a friend and saw a show they worked on #and then stopped at a cute little coffee shop on the way home and seeing people being kind to each other and my best friend #was exactly what i needed!! truth be told i secretly hoped this trip would get cancelled somehow but im so so glad it didn't! #feeling very much in love with the world again <333 #reminders #social anxiety #love letters to you

[ffcrazy15]

Someone needs to do an analysis on the way the Kung Fu Panda movies use old-fashioned vs. modern language ("Panda we meet at last"/"Hey how's it going") and old-fashioned vs. modern settings (forbidden-city-esque palaces/modern-ish Chinese restaurant) to indicate class differences in their characters, and how those class differences create underlying tensions and misunderstandings.

#This is neither a criticism nor a compliment of that artistic choice #I just think it's really interesting #Like even looking at the Five: #Tigress talks in an older style than the others because she was mainly raised at the Jade Palace #While Mantis talks like Joe-schmo off the street because he *was* a streetfighter and an ordinary guy #Shifu and even Tai Lung talk like they're from an old-fashioned novel or kung fu movie #Po talks like a modern guy you'd meet working in a twenty-first century family restaurant #Part of Tigress's initial disdain for him in the first movie is clearly because she considers him to be low-class/a commoner #(And therefore an intruder into the world of the Jade Palace and the rest of the Kung Fu masters which appears to be semi-noble). #Shen looks genuinely off-put and disgusted when he has to respond to Po's greeting with a “...hey.” #And when Po wants to appear more legitimate as a warrior he adopts a more “legendary”/old-fashioned way of speaking. #In the aesthetic language of KFP old fashioned=noble/upper class and modern=common/lower class. #This translates entirely naturally—I think especially to an American audience—but it is wild once you notice it #Because you realize: “Hang on—shouldn't *all* these characters be talking like they're living in the medieval era?” #“And what does it mean that they're not? What is the movie attempting to convey with this—probably entirely subconscious—artistic choice?” #kung fu panda