#the supermodel music started playing and immediately started crying

[quivering-qunt]

Days without listening to Ctrl.

0

#im at my work desk losing my mind #it's the grey goose live version so it's so much fucking worse #SZA #Ctrl #sza ctrl #the supermodel music started playing and immediately started crying #sick #i need to go home so i can scream #think my period is starting soon 🤭

[itgirlification]

supermodel | jjk

the last three months have been hell for you, but Jungkook seemed to be living his best life.

pairing: ex-bf!jk x thick!reader

warnings: explicit mentions of body image and insecurities, infidelity, anal sex, oral (male receive), foul language (kinda), etc.

now playing: supermodel by sza

part two part three

Exactly three months ago, your and Jungkook’s 2 years relationship officially ended. Unofficially, it ended about 5 months ago. And for about one month now, Jungkook’s been seeing someone else.

Your heart and mind told you not to do it but you couldn’t help calculating. Three months ago, you were still dating, two months later, he started dating someone else. That must mean he’s known her for a while. Did he cheat on you with her? Well, it’s not like it matters now anyway, does it?

Her name was Yuki, an undeniable Japanese beauty. You were still in college, studying music and she was a famous model who appeared in internationally known magazines. You assumed she met Jungkook during a photoshoot since he was a professional photographer who often worked for companies like Vogue and Playboy. You couldn’t help but compare yourself to her.

It wasn’t the fact that he moved on so quickly that hurt you the most. It was the fact that he knew all about your low self-esteem and how you lack confidence. Especially about your body. And he still went and dated a model, of all professions in the world. He was definitely over you.

If you didn’t know any better, you’d think he did it on purpose. But thankfully, you knew better, he looked too happy for that to be even considered. He forgot about you.

You’re making yourself sadder by remembering all the times he assured you you were beautiful and your body was nothing to be ashamed of. The times he let his fingertips run over the lines of your stretch marks, whispering in your ear how much he loved them and how they reminded him of Tiger stripes. The times he caressed your jiggly thighs and told you how sexy he thought they were.

Then your mind would drift back to the phone in your hand, the Instagram page of Yuki Sakurai opened, careful not to accidentally like anything and expose yourself. Not that she’d notice anyway, she had 3.7 million followers, while you had a private one with 500 followers and no posts, and she gets around 300 to 700 thousand likes on each post, depending on whether she posts random photos or pretty pictures of herself. Or newly, your ex-boyfriend, Jungkook. Oh, how crazy everybody goes whenever she posts him. People love them together. You couldn’t blame them. Two attractive people? Of course, they’re gonna look great together.

Fucking great.

That the end of your relationship with Jungkook would look like this was semi-predictable from the beginning. He did admit to you that he never thought he’d date someone that looked like you when you first dated. And your heart broke a little. But he also made up for it in those two years, it was a beautiful relationship nonetheless.

While you weren’t exactly his ‘ideal’ type, he was definitely yours. You always heard from other women ‘when in a relationship, the man always has to love the woman more than she loves him. Otherwise, it won’t work.’ You never really got the saying until your breakup with Jungkook happened. It was the fact that you clearly loved Jungkook more than he loved you that lead to this.

“Oh my goodness!”, your roommate, Jane, dramatically exclaimed. “Will you stop feeling bad for yourself and do something? That’s not what hot girls do, sis.”

Jane was a lovely girl with a not so lovely temper. She always means well and you got along perfectly as soon as you met. Which was around 3 and a half years ago.

She looked over your shoulder to see what you were looking at. You obviously didn’t want her to see you snooping around your ex-boyfriend’s current girlfriend’s Instagram but it was too late.

“Seriously, yn?”, she took your phone in her hand and threw it on the bed. “Let’s go somewhere, you can’t do this to yourself anymore. I’m not letting you.”

Jane was clearly worried about you at this point. The only thing you did these last few weeks was eating, shower, cry, sleep and miss a whole bunch of classes. This wasn’t good at all.

“Where?”, your question was short.

“To the mall? Or the nail studio? Anything that’ll get you out of this fucking dormitory.”, Jane sighed, pulling the blanket off of you, making you whine a little. “C’mon, go put on some cute outfit and we’ll go.”

You felt bad since she was trying hard to make you feel better. But it didn’t really work.

You nodded, standing up from the bed, nonetheless. You picked out a cute two-piece dress, that brought back blurred memories of the time you went on a date with Jungkook, wearing the same two-piece. Bet Yuki would look cuter in this...

‘Shut your petty ass up, yn. It’s embarrassing, the way you’re stuck on a taken guy who wants nothing to do with you’

You wish you could change the way you think, even if it’s just for an hour or two. You wish you would stop imagining Jungkook judging you when he saw you naked or when you told him that you wished you could cut off some of your fat with a pair of scissors.

You were beyond ashamed of yourself. Why wasn’t it easy for you to just stay by yourself? why were you so desperately in need of Jungkook by your side to the point where you’d lock yourself in your room for a month just because he isn’t there?

You needed Jungkook. You became so attached to him in those two years, because you always saw him as a permanent, a forever. Not just a temporary, not just a distant memory. You already saw him as the father of your children, as the man you’re gonna marry.

You were so blinded by the fact that you had him, that you forgot you could lose him anytime.

“I’m done, let’s go.”, unenthusiastically, you announced to Jane, who was already waiting for you.

“Let’s get the fuck outta here!”, In contrast to your spirit, hers seemed to be all roses and daisies. “Lord knows you need it...”

__________

“Look at this cute ass skirt, girl”, Jane pointed at a chic, wine mini skirt she was holding. “You know, when I saw it back there I wanted to have it, but it’d look so much better on you”

You took a few seconds to admire Jane’s beauty. She was about 3 cm taller than you, had a great posture, and almond, dark brown eyes that suited her dark skin tone perfectly. Her body leaned more towards the slimmer side.

“Shut up! No, it would not”, you let out a small giggle. “It would look gorgeous on you, buy it.”

She smiled a little at your laughs. She was happy to see you at least a little cheerful again. “Yeah, but I think it’d look better on you. I’m entitled to my own opinion, am I not?”

You knew this debate was gonna go back and forth, because of her stubbornness. “Let’s both buy the skirt.”

You ended up doing so, added by a bunch of bags full of clothing. This may’ve turned into your new coping mechanism. Who needed therapy when you can go on a shopping spree?

Two hours were spent in boutiques and clothing stores and Jane decided she was tired, wanting to visit the local spa.

“No, seriously, these Riverdale seasons just keep on getting worse and worse. Netflix needs to step up their game ASAP”, Jane ranted, making you laugh at how serious she takes it. “It’s getting embarrassing. I’m being for real.”

The two of you were sitting in the whirlpool at the spa, relaxing your whole bodies a little.

“Yeah, yeah, whatever, I don’t watch these new Netflix shows anyways. Been stuck on the vampire diaries for the last 7 years”, you chuckled, knowing you hated trying new things. “Can you pass me one of those magazines?”

Jane nodded, grabbing a random one from the table next to her and handed it to you, without looking at it.

The cover of it caught your eyes immediately. How could it not, when your ex’s new girl looks absolutely dazzling on the front page of it.

‘Supermodel Yuki Sakurai talks summer fashion tips, struggle with self-love and most importantly, her hot, new boyfriend the media is going crazy over’ was the headline of the Harper’s Bazaar Magazine cover.

You felt your stomach getting sick and your breath getting heavier, but you still flipped the pages until you found the one with her interview. You began reading it, skipping the boring parts.

‘Int: so, we see you have a new boyfriend. Tell us, how did you guys meet?

Yuki: Yeah, he’s an amazing guy. We actually met about six or five months ago at one of my photoshoots, since he’s a photographer and we exchanged numbers and stuff, and then we made it official mid last month.’

About six or five months ago? You were with him back then, but her answer was too unclear to find out if he cheated or not.

“Woah, yn, you okay?”

You entirely forgot about the fact that you were with Jane, let alone somewhere other than your bed.

Before you could react, Jane snatched the magazine out of your hand.

“You really can’t escape them, huh?”, She sighs, taking you in her arm. “It’s gonna be okay, baby. In a few months, you’re gonna look back to this and think wow I really was stuck on a guy who’s scared of microwaves and cried like a bitch when Iron Man died.”

You laughed, punching her arm playfully. “You know, I actually love these things about him. Shows his sensitivity and the way he perceives things.”

Jane looked at you as if she didn’t believe you were actually saying that stuff. “Girl, you’re overanalyzing this. Let’s just throw this shit in the trash, okay?”

She put the magazine aside.

“I just don't know what I did wrong.”, You murmured. “I know we weren't the best, but we didn't even fight that much. We could’ve talked it through.”

Jane pursed her lips and cooed. “You know, relationships are complicated sometimes. The reason why he broke up, to begin with, is probably not your fault.”

“Well, what if it is? I mean what if I was too fat or too ugly for him?”, you asked. “If he wanted a skinny girl so bad, I could’ve lost weight for him, I don’t get it.”

Jane looked at you like you lost your mind entirely. “I can’t believe you just said that! Even if that was the reason, which it wasn’t, you shouldn’t make yourself suffer because of it. That’s his loss. You’re beyond gorgeous and you have an amazing body.”

“You’re just saying that.”, tears slowly started coming up in your eyes. “But the thing is Jungkook knows all about my insecurities. Why would he do that to me? I know he knows that I’m still not over him.”

You usually didn’t like crying in front of other people, but you didn’t really care at the moment, besides that was Jane. You trusted her with your life.

“Girl, men are trash, I can’t believe you’re crying over one right now, seriously.”, she wiped your tears and held your face between her hands. “You know, honestly, I’ve read so many articles about how models actually hate themselves and have like the lowest self-esteem so in conclusion, no matter how miserable you are, his new girl is even more miserable.”

You knew Jane didn’t mean it in a harmful way, but it sounded harsher than needed. “I don’t hate her, she probably doesn’t even know about me. I’m just really insecure. He upgraded from me. He’s dating a whole model now.”

The situation just felt like a deja vu of these last few weeks laying in your bed, even though you were at the spa with your friend. You were supposed to have fun, yet you didn’t feel like having any.

“Why would you feel insecure when all you’ve seen of her are Instagram posts and red carpet pictures? She’s supposed to look beautiful, it’s her job.”

To a certain extent, Jane was right, but that didn’t really help your situation, you still felt bad about yourself. You stayed silent.

“C’mon, this isn’t fun anymore. Let’s leave.”, Jane mumbled.

_______

it’s been two days since the incident at the spa and you felt a little bit better now.

Those days were spent reading the same three book series you’ve read your entire life, overthinking, hot Cheetos, Indian takeout, and Netflix. It really wasn’t as miserable as it sounded.

You were just taking a little rest before term break ends and you have to go back to the shithole college again.

Jane was using the time until college starts again, but in different ways than you were. She was planning on going to some frat party in an hour and forget about the world’ for a minute. Or till 4 in the morning, where she will most likely drunk call you and ask you for a ride back to the dorms, because the friends she went to the party with were shit-faced as well and were in no way capable of driving anywhere without the cops stopping them.

Going out partying on a Friday night was a Jane tradition. In the past, you’d sometimes go with her, but you mostly spent your time out with Jungkook doing something more fun than partying could ever be. Now you can’t do that anymore, but laying in bed is more ideal than a party for you at the moment.

“How do I look?”, Jane twirled around to show off her black cocktail dress. She looked beautiful.

“You look beautiful.”, you responded to her question. “Are you leaving now?”

“Hm”, she said, to which you nodded. “You sure you don’t wanna come with me? It’s gonna be really fun.”

You shook your head no.

“Alright”, she shrugged, making her way out of your bedroom. “But I told you, it’s gonna be fun.”

You chuckled, rolling your eyes. “I’ll stay here, I have shit to do.”

“Yeah, right, like binge-watching the vampire diaries and taking 5-hour naps”, she said in a sarcastic tone. “Anyway, bye-bye, Vic’s already waiting for me in the car.”

Victoria was perhaps one of the most obnoxious people you know, yet she was too much of a nice person for you to talk shit about her. The voice of your intrusive thoughts couldn’t help but to, though.

“Alright, bye, take care and say hi to Vic from me.”

After Jane left, an hour went by like it was just a couple of minutes. You were starting to get real bored and decided to watch some regular tv in hopes to find something you enjoy. You ended up not finding anything fun, but you still watched it, because you didn’t have anything else to do.

A few moments later, the doorbell rang and you were suddenly worried. Either this is a serial killer or Jane forgot something.

But to your surprise, it was neither, but it was none other than

“Jungkook?”, truly, those were the only words you were able to mutter out at your shocked state. “What are you do-“

At the speed of light, you were interrupted by your ex-boyfriend pressing his lips to yours. He didn’t say a word.

You weren’t expecting him. Not knowing how you were supposed to feel at the moment, you just let it happen. You were sure your mental state couldn’t get any worse than that, no matter how this will affect you in the end.

“Is Jane home?”, for the first time in 3 months, you’re hearing his silky voice again.

Jungkook knew Jane always had some type of special hatred for him with her killing stares and her bitter comments. You didn’t notice either though.

He also knew she must hate him even more after your breakup. Or maybe she liked him more now since she was able to get rid of him without killing anyone.

“No”, your answer was short and it made a weight fall from Jungkook’s shoulders before he continued kissing you.

It wasn’t anything you haven’t done before, yet it felt like it’s been ages since it last happened. Your mind drifted to the thought of Jungkook and his model girlfriend. You were asking yourself what their sex life was like, if she was tighter than you or if she had stretch marks and scars.

Jungkook’s lips were moving south, giving your neck wet kisses, while you were wondering why he broke up with his model girlfriend. Or if he even did. You felt selfish for not caring.

Removing your clothes one by one, you were left in your underwear, while Jungkook only had his boxers on.

This body was yours. You knew it inside out. Where he liked to get touched and where he preferred not to. You knew him better than anyone else. You were sure.

You already moved to your bedroom, since Jungkook effortlessly carried you there. You were sat on his lap, facing him and your hands were in his messy hair. His hands were around your waist, he was slightly smiling into the kiss, as you started grinding on him. He loved how easy it was for him to turn you on. You were still his.

Cutting off the kiss, he looked you in the eyes, while his hand was on your cheek. “Say aah.”, he said.

You widened your mouth obediently, which was followed by him collecting as much saliva as he could in his mouth and spitting it into your mouth.

“Swallow.”, demanding, he spit on your face, his eyes become darker with every passing moment. You did as he said.

You looked at him with big eyes. He knew you loved it. You’ve always had a thing for him degrading and humiliating you during sex.

He started grinding on you almost desperately. You knew exactly what he wanted.

Getting out of his grip, you dropped to your knees and freed his hard dick from his drawers. You reached for it and started pumping it, and licking it. Your spit was leaking down his dick as you used it for lubrication. Then you started sucking on it, just the way you used to.

Jungkook’s groans and satisfied sighs were enough to make you even wetter than before. You enjoyed giving more than receiving.

Your mouth was wet and warm around him, giving him a feeling of familiarity. You lick over the tip a few times, then proceed to fully take him into your mouth.

The bulge in your throat could be seen and the way your eyes were tearing up a little wasn’t bothering you at all. You loved giving.

Jungkook started thrusting in and out of your warm, welcoming mouth, his tip hitting the back of your throat multiple times.

“Fuck”, a throaty moan left Jungkook’s mouth, giving you hints that he was about to cum. And he did, releasing in your mouth before you swallowed it. “Shit, baby, that was so good.”

You felt your face heat up and a sheepish smile made its way to your face. Your throat was sore.

The two of you were on the bed again. To you, it felt like it was the times before your breakup again, when you’d purposely start an argument just for the makeup sex because Jungkook wasn’t giving you any anymore. It was like sex was the only thing to look forward to.

You felt attached to Jungkook to a point where it was dangerous. You weren’t okay when he wasn’t around. He affected every part of your life and God knew it wasn’t always a positive thing. Maybe it was the fact that he took your virginity. Maybe because he was your first boyfriend, the first guy that made you believe you were worthy of love and that someone was actually capable of loving you. One thing you knew was Jungkook had an expansive influence on your life.

While you were practically drowning in your own thoughts, Jungkook was busy taking off your underwear.

“You okay?”, Jungkook calmly asked you, looking at your riddled face.

“Huh? Yeah, I’m okay.”, you sounded distracted, Jungkook wasn’t sure about asking you what it is though. He didn’t feel like getting personal.

So he shrugged it off and started kissing you again, his dick was unsurprisingly hard again as he played with your tits. He drew lines over the stretch marks of your thighs and kissed them.

“Can I fuck your ass?���, Jungkook’s raspy, tired-sounding voice casually asked, to which you quickly nodded, knowing that Jungkook’s favorite position had always been anal. He was massaging and gripping your ass firmly.

“This is gonna hurt at first, but I promise it gets better.”, He warned calmly into your ear, while putting some lube on his dick and just went right into your ass, slowly thrusting so you don’t feel as much pain.

He was right, it did hurt a lot when he first put it in, but the pain just changed into pleasure in a matter of time and his slow-paced thrusts helped with the adjustment.

“Fuck, I missed this ass”, he practically growled into your ear, as he kept on thrusting in and out, steadily gripping your wide hips with his big, veiny hands. “It just doesn’t feel right when I’m inside her ass.”

You knew your confidence shouldn’t rely on Jungkook bringing his girlfriend down, but you couldn’t help but feel good about your body when he said that. It’s been a while since you felt even a tiny spark of confidence. You weren’t so fond of him mentioning her while he was inside of you.

Your soft moans rang through the whole room like sirens, while he watched your ass jiggle against his pelvis, thrusting in and out faster every second. He missed this.

You had always thought you were indecisive, but you knew exactly what you wanted. You just couldn’t have that, so you’d eventually have to settle for less.

Jungkook wasn’t to blame for it, you just couldn’t concede your shortcomings. The movie’s villain wasn’t always the real villain.

Your hands traveled to your pussy to make sure you’d orgasm as well, when you heard Jungkook’s breathing getting heavier and his thrusts getting gentler than before, indicating that he was gonna cum soon. You were certain he could make you cum with just anal, but you wanted to cum with him.

With furrowed eyebrows and drops of sweat dripping down his body, Jungkook looked down at your arched back. The whole scene was sticky, especially when Jungkook presses his upper body to your back, whispering sweet nothings into your ear and kissing the spot.

It was kinda odd, having sex with your ex-boyfriend you were crying over just a day ago. There was a certain intensity to it though. Like your long-lasting nostalgia was finally fulfilled.

You’ve realized you couldn’t imagine yourself being intimate with anybody else. Jungkook already knew your body, how it looked without the material protecting it, the strawberry skin, the slightly sagging breasts you swore you’d surgically remove once you had the chance to but didn’t. He knew where you liked being touched, he was the first one to even touch you in those places.

You were unsure what you’d do with yourself when he leaves.

Jungkook’s thrusts slowly started stopping and you too felt the familiar sensation in your stomach.

Suddenly, you two were nothing but desire, fear, and pleasure. And faster than you could process, you came together.

For minutes after your orgasm, you were just laying on the bed, thoughtless. Maybe a little regretful. Not you, but him.

You weren’t facing each other, but you could hear each other’s breathing. Your stomach was filled with something you’d describe as post-sex melancholia.

All of a sudden, Jungkook stood up from the bed, startling your resting self a little, but you decided to keep quiet, wanting to see what he was going to do.

He made his way to the door to leave what he thought was your sleeping body laying there. You couldn’t keep quiet anymore.

“Where are you going?”, your soft voice suddenly rang in his ears. “Don’t you wanna stay?”

He didn’t know how exactly to tell you. You’ve always been a gullible little girl, you were the type of girl to think fucking equals love. Little did you know that wasn’t the case at all.

“Yn.... you know I can’t”, Jungkook responded, you knew it wasn’t gonna be good when he said your name like that. “I got a girl at home and I don’t wanna mess shit up with her.”

There it was. Your suspicion was corroborated. He was still going out with the model and you were a certified home wrecker. Great.

You physically felt your heart breaking. “Bu- but why are you here then?”

You were incapable of being mad at him at the moment. It was your fault for letting him in, again. After breaking your trust and your heart.

“This was a mistake”, he declared, not looking into your eyes. “I’m sorry, yn...”

He’s moved past your room now, already at the exit of your dormitory. He was about to leave.

“You already ruined shit with her when you came here and fucked me.”, your voice was small, but your words were heard.

Without looking back, he left.

And you went back to your room, standing in the middle of it for a minute in silence before your brain fully processed what had happened and your tears started pouring.

#jungkook #jungkook smut #bts #bts fic #bangtan smut #bts smut #jk smut #jk imagine #jeongguk #jeongguk imagine #jeongguk smut #jeongguk fanfiction #taehyung smut #jimin smut #hoseok smut #yoongi smut #seokjin smut #namjoon smut #jungkook x reader #jungkook x female reader #thick thighs save lives

[artificialqueens]

Someone I Genuinely Love (Taywhora) - pureCAMP

A/N - I feel like a broken record but it must be said, I feel like I exclusively write for Ortega at this point and I am not mad at it, I love her more than I love myself. Here is a short little Taywhora for my favourite scottish queen <3

The night - er, morning - was a disaster.

To be honest, Tayce had seen it coming from a mile off, and she had warned Lawrence that inviting both A’Whora and Tia was going to be an absolute shitstorm. They just plain didn’t like each other, which was fine, but A’Whora had trouble holding her sharp tongue at the best of times, and mixing in a bucket-load of alcohol and a pretty cramped house, and you had a recipe for chaos.

(And, really? A house party? Were they still seventeen?)

Nevertheless, it was Lawrence’s birthday, and she called the shots, and she drank the shots, and she got to choose who came to her house to get unreasonably pissed into the wee hours of the morning.

Tia was there pretty early - or, at least, she was on time like most of them. She was stood in the kitchen with a Smirnoff Ice in her hand, happily chatting away to Ellie, wearing a dress that Tayce had complimented, if only to make some brief conversation. It was… passable, really, a half-decent outfit if she went that far, but nothing to write home about. Unfortunately, Tayce knew A’Whora was gonna hate it, and A’Whora with a loose tongue was almost certainly gonna make a comment about it.

The girl in question rocked up late and sloppy, as per her usual style. She stumbled through the front door and leant in the frame with a tipsy smile, plush lips painted pink and dabbed with glitter, eyelashes fluttering. Her skin-tight dress was fuchsia, bright, emphasising her soft tan thighs that the fabric rode up against and clinging to every inch of her. Once neat, her dark hair was messily piled on top of her head, falling tantalisingly in front of her face.

Tayce couldn’t help but feel relieved that she’d decided to come.

“The party can finally start!” A’Whora exclaimed, raising her drink in the air with a flourish and slamming the door behind her with her heel.

“It already started, ya lazy fuck!” Lawrence yelled from the back of the house. Tayce, standing at the bottom of the stairs and looking onto the front door, made eye contact with A’Whora and giggled at their friend.

“Isn’t she charming?” Tayce gestured towards the general vicinity of Lawrence’s voice.

A’Whora crept closer, her eyes wide and expectant. “Okay, listen. I saw Tia’s snapchat earlier. Tell me she got changed before coming out tonight.”

Here we go. Tayce bit her lip. “Aurora. A’Whora Borealis. You be nice.”

“I’m not trying to be rude or anything but she looks like a fucking Year Nine at her first party wearing a Pretty Little Thing dress that her mum chose for her. I mean, is she serious about it? Is it like a joke?” A’Whora covered her mouth with the side of her hand, her tone conspiratory and judgemental. 

Tayce rolled her eyes, both fond and irritated. “Whory, be nice. She clearly likes it, let her have fun. She’s not hurting anybody.”

“She’s hurting my eyes.” A’Whora rebuffed, pursing her lips. “Not like you, though. You’re a sight for sore eyes tonight.”

Internally she was pleased, but played it off smoothly. It wasn’t like Tayce had cleverly thought out her oversized blazer and thigh-high boots combo with A’Whora in mind, of course not. It wasn’t like she’d tailored her outfit hoping for a good response from her… friend? What even was A’Whora besides a hot girl she’d known forever who she spent 50% of her time blatantly flirting back and forth with and 50% of her time denying that she was doing it?

Lawrence burst through the corridor in a flourish of colour to greet A’Whora and groaned, fanning herself with her hand. “Fuck me, I am sweating.”

Tayce blinked. “It’s October. There’s no way you’re hot, in October, in Scotland.”

“Not from the heat, fuckin’ braindead supermodel. From the weight of the crushing sexual tension in this room.”

She looked pointedly between A’Whora and Tayce, neither of whom were particularly shocked by Lawrence’s openness, having grown used to it. However, in an embarrassingly same wavelength move, both girls cocked an eyebrow.

“Aye, I’m talking about you, pinchin’ your Botox lips at me Miss A’Whora the Explorer.”

A’Whora shook her head. “The cheek! Cheek of you to suggest that something’s going on here.”

“Not sure where you’re getting your sources from, but I’d consider leaving The Sun’s team out of your investigations,” Tayce added, A’Whora trying and failing to conceal her smile as Lawrence playfully whacked her arm.

“Get to fuck with those accusations. You carry on living out your little Gavin and Stacey storyline and I’ll go ask the Pope if he’s still shitting in the woods or if bears are still Catholic. Have fun ya fucking lesbians.”

As she disappeared back into the living room, where Bimini had started blasting something with a heavy, pulsing beat, A’Whora turned back to Tayce with an offended look on her face.

“Did that William Wallace wannabe just imply that I’d be the man in the relationship just because I’m English?” She asked, reeling backwards. “Fucking cheek!”

Tayce laughed. “Well, you don’t have legs like mine…” She trailed off, predicting A’Whora’s outburst.

“Hey! Listen, we’d be a great Naomi and Kim, so shut your beautiful face and stop seducing me with that gorgeous accent.” She paused for a second, thinking, and then blinked. “I mean Naomi Campbell and Kim Kardashian, I realise that sounded like something different…”

Tayce looped her arm through A’Whora’s and started trudging down the hallway, making their way into the living room with most of the others. “I love that you think you’re anything like a Kardashian, babe. The Kylie lips maybe, but you’re no Kim.”

As the music grew louder and louder in their eyes, Bimini wrapping a drunk sweaty arm around them both and bellowing something inaudible, Tayce leaned in close to A’Whora’s ear and added, “I’d much prefer what you’ve got to what Kim’s got.”

That was the game; cat and mouse, a game of chase and coy avoidance. After that, she slipped away to dance with Asttina, sipping on her drink and trying to hide her eagerness. The next move was A’Whora’s, as they both knew, and she could play it whenever she wanted.

It was after maybe another hour of drinking and gushing with her friends about how beautiful everyone looked and how drunk they all felt that Tayce realised the atmosphere in Lawrence’s living room was a little too kind. Nothing wrong with that, of course, and a house full of drunk girls was basically the club bathroom scenario elevated to an extreme level, but a kind atmosphere meant that A’Whora had clearly gone into another room. Not good.

Making to find her, Tayce got all the way to the doorway before Ellie and Lawrence stopped her to chat about whether or not it would be stupid to play spin the bottle (it would) and whether or not they should all do some more shots (they did). Then I Wanna Dance With Somebody started playing, and by the first “Woo!”, she’d totally forgotten about her earlier mission, and ran back inside screaming and grabbing at Asttina to dance with her. 

She had to give Lawrence some credit, because her playlist was incredible. Nothing but banger after banger after banger.

About half way through Good As Hell, Tayce became aware of what sounded like shouting, underwater and garbled and messy. Though she carried on grinding against Asttina and singing along to Lizzo’s affirmations, her head checked out a little as she tried to focus on the background voices over the blaring music. It proved to be quite the struggle, being as drunk as she was, but as it turned out, she didn’t need to pay too much attention, as she wasn’t the only one that had noticed.

By the time Tia was standing outraged in the living room doorway, all eyes were on her. She looked furious, cheeks red and eyes spilling over, her fists clenched and trembling.

Lawrence quietened the music.

“So, were you gonna tell me that you all think I look like shit or did you nominate A’Whora to be the nasty cunt she usually is?” She looked down at her dress, back up, and choked back a sob. “Fuck off, the lot of you.”

Immediately, half the room started to follow her with choruses of love, their words getting tangled in a web of you’re beautiful and she doesn’t speak for us and A’Whora’s just a bitch and I like it! 

The living room felt significantly emptier with just Lawrence, Ellie and Tayce in it, the three of them frozen staring at the doorway like they couldn’t believe it had finally kicked off. After a few moments, The 1975 now playing at an awkwardly low volume, A’Whora passed the living room, peered inside with brimming eyes, and broke into a run. 

Tayce followed her on instinct, leaving Lawrence and Ellie behind. Her heart sank as she rushed through the house; one part of her took in the group of girls gathered in the kitchen, their arms hooked over a crying Tia, their tongues slicing away at A’Whora’s character with every dirty look that they sent in the direction of the now wide-open front door. 

As bad as she felt for Tia, no one was going after A’Whora. And maybe that made sense, but Tayce had never cared too much about making sense - not when it came to her. 

Luckily, she didn’t have to go too far. A little way down Lawrence’s street, a familiar figure was sitting crumpled over on the curb, her face hidden in her hands, head leaning against the lamppost under which she was illuminated. Like an angel, Tayce thought. Like a sad, stupid angel. 

“Whory. What did you do, babe? I wanna hear it from you.”

A’Whora looked up. Flecks of black mascara stained around her eyes, the shadows beginning to smudge into the eyeliner from her tears, and her lip trembled. She lowered her head, prompting Tayce to sit down on the curb next to her, legs stretched out into the empty road. 

“I told her the dress was fucking ugly, because someone’s gotta do it. I was just trying to help but I know that was an asshole thing to say and I should’ve just kept my mouth shut.” 

Tayce blinked. She hadn’t expected the remorseful part of A’Whora’s answer, if she was being honest. She usually never gave in, never admitted defeat, proudly shrugged off any offence caused while Tayce tried to interject some kindness into her. It never worked, which she’d always found frustrating, but now it was unsettling that it had. 

“I mean, I’m right. She looks like the embodiment of the fucking kid’s section of a TK Maxx.”

Tayce kissed the side of her head, A’Whora responding by resting it on Tayce’s shoulder. “I thought she was the Year Nine girl in her mum’s choice of Pretty Little Thing dresses?” She teased gently. To her relief and simultaneous heartbreak, it received a short, wet laugh. 

“I didn’t expect her to - to rip into me like that. Like she did.” 

“What happened?”

“She stood up for herself. Which is good, right?” A’Whora sniffed. “She told me I’m a vapid self-absorbed little bitch, and that she can change her shitty fashion sense while I’ll be stuck with my fake face and dog shit personality for the rest of my life. And that at least our friends like her, ‘cause they barely tolerate me.”

Tayce squeezed her eyes shut and hugged her tighter. “You gotta understand she’s coming from a place of hurt, darling. I know you know this, but you have been pretty mean to her in the past.”

A’Whora nodded weakly, throwing up a peace sign. “Karma,” She sang, the humour in it betrayed by her wobbly voice. “I deserved it, but… I didn’t realise it would hurt this much. Especially because she’s right.”

“She’s not right,” Tayce cut in immediately, a little surprised by her own fierce defensiveness. “She was just angry and upset.”

A moment of silence fell as A’Whora lapsed into thought, her face still smushed into Tayce’s shoulder. She scuffed her shoes into the stones gathered at the edge of the curb, kicking them into the road and scraping her heels into the gritty dirt. As cold as the night was, Tayce could hardly feel it with A’Whora so close.

She laughed bitterly. “Tay, look at us. Do you see any of our other friends out here? No, they’re all telling Tia how much they love her. Because they do. And I’m the nasty fucking bully that won’t go away so they just put up with me until I give them a reason to talk shit.”

“That’s not true, Whory. Sure, we gotta work on controlling that lip of yours, but the girls still love you.” Tayce paused, and then peppered a few more kisses to the top of her head. “You may be a bitch, but you’re my bitch.”

“Kinky,” A’Whora giggled, softening into her side. “You still like me?”

“I always like you.” Tayce whispered. 

Above them, the orange street lamp flickered and turned off, casting them into darkness. A crescent moon shone just above them, partially covered by clouds, and the night was quiet. Tayce leaned back, pulling A’Whora with her, until both girls were laying down, half on the pavement and half into the road, their arms around one another and heads facing the sky. A lifetime or even a minute could’ve passed as they just watched the stars, endlessly fascinated by the tiny pinpricks of light, but when Tayce turned her head, it struck her that A’Whora’s eyes sparkled better than any night sky she’d ever seen.

“I should apologise to Tia.” A’Whora murmured.

“Tomorrow.” Their voices were barely above a whisper, something unspoken and sacred about maintaining the tranquility of the silent night. “Give her time to cool off.”

“And you promise you still like me?”

Her eyes were wide, hopeful. Their faces were so close it was no effort at all. It never was. 

Not with her.

The night - er, morning -  was a disaster, but A’Whora’s lips tasted like cherry gloss and her touch was soft and gentle, and maybe things didn’t always end badly. Maybe it would be okay as long as Tayce had A’Whora and A’Whora had Tayce. 

Maybe Lawrence fucking Chaney was right.

#rpdr fanfiction #purecamp #taywhora #tayce #a'whora #tia kofi #lawrence chaney #submission #rpdr uk #uk2

[thatangstyhoe-blog]

Wait II

Part I can be found: Here

Shawn left you when you were newly pregnant with his own kid, saying it was a “distraction” to his career. Now, a year later, you show up with Raul to an engagement party he just happens to attend.

It was day right after the reception that you received the first package.

Eyes puffy from crying the night after bumping into him, you opened your door after the doorbell had rung. A box lied at your feet, which came as a shock to you considering you were too impatient to buy anything online.

Opening the package skeptically, you were met with a small collection of pacifiers adorned with guitars and musical notes. Looking further into the package, you saw that it had diapers inside of it as well.

Convenient, since you had needed some.

But at the very bottom of the box was a small slip paper. A yellow post-it note with sloppy handwriting that was only decipherable by you. You recognized it as being the same handwriting on the loveletters you kept hidden away under your bed.

“S.M. 352”

How had het gotten your address? Why was he trying to contact you? You questioned the random 3 numbers that were attached after his initials, wondering what they could mean. You were grateful for the gift either way. Even though you were grateful, you still wouldn’t let him buy his way back into his own child’s life.

But there was no return label on the package, and you didn’t feel like being wasteful. So you chose to use the diapers and use the pacifiers. Just because you had hard feelings towards Shawn didn’t mean you had to keep hard feelings towards his gifts. You weren’t going to forgive him with a package of baby supplies, but who was to say you couldn’t take advantage of the situation?

The next package came the day after. It was a box of substantial size, two men from the front lobby had to help carry it up to your door. Upon opening it, you discovered a fanciful scooter with a tablet attached to the top handle. It looked outlandishly expensive.

On the bottom of the box for the scooter, you found another post-it note.

“S.M. Danforth Street”

It took you a good amount of hesitation, but once you figured out the easily decodeable message, you felt stupid for not knowing earlier. The combination of the number in the first post-it and the street on the second created an address. You knew he was inviting you to the address, probably trying to inch his way back into Raul’s life, but you weren’t going to allow that to happen.

Even though you understood where he was coming from, you could never forget the menacing look on his face when he told you he would leave. He had prioritized his fame before his blood, thrown all of his promises aside the second something that could ruin his fame came up. As much as you appreciated the gifts, your trust wasn’t something money could buy. What would happen if you trusted him and you left him alone with Raul? Would he neglect him whenever he saw a cameraman on the street?

So you crumpled up the post-its, but just as you were about to throw them away, you instead placed them on your countertop.

The third package was smaller, but still quite heavy. When you opened it, the crinkling of wrapper was all of a sudden heard from inside of the box. Taking out the large plastic bags filled with soft material, you were met with a series of designer onesies from several expensive brands. You knew the clothing must’ve costed a fortune, but you weren’t paying too much attention to the gift.

You immediately reached out and ran your hands along the bottom of the package, grasping a post-it note on the bottom. Without a surprise, scribbled on the bright yellow slip of sticky paper, lied a number in sloppy handwriting.

“S.M. 4:00 PM”

It took a lot of self struggle to accept his invitation. You were still damaged from the events that had occurred a year ago. You didn’t want to get your hopes up just to have them destroyed again.

But you believed in second chances, you believed in people changing and growing and regretting their mistakes.

The thing that ultimately pushed you to go to the small coffee shop the address led to at 4:00 and wait at a wooden table wasn’t your firm belief in second chances, it was envisioning Raul’s future.

Though he had walked out on you when you were newly 20 and freshly pregnant, you knew Shaw would make a wonderful father to a child one day. You remembered the discussions that occurred late in the night while lying on the roof of his jeep and watchin the night sky envelope the daylight. You wanted Raul to grow up with a figure who could throw him a baseball and teach him how to play guitar.

And although Raul was 3-month old baby who still hadn’t sprouted his first teeth yet, you knew it was better for him to introduce a father figure now instead of later.

Holding onto the hope that he had changed, you ordered a strawberry shake at the familiar cafe and smiled at the memories you remembered in the booth.

It was a convenient location he had chosen, the site of your first date. The now cafe had previously been owned by an elderly couple who ran a diner. After they had passed, their children had redesigned the old business into a modern cafe. The interior had changed, but the booths remained in the same places.

You anxiously wondered if you were making the right decision. You considered multiple times whether or not it was too late to run away. Whether you should leave him waiting and devastated like he did to you.

But you weren’t a horrible person, you still held love for him beyond the relationship you had had. You had known him since you were both small children, and the Shawn you used to know wasn’t something that you were wishing for dearly.

It was when you saw him walk into the almost empty establishment that your heart sped up it’s pace. Your eyes remained glued to the doors of the restaurant, matching with his when his eyes scanned the room and met with yours.

His eyebrows raised, as if he wasn’t actually expecting you to show up. You took all of him in, and noticed that one hand was in his pocket, but the other one was tightly grasping onto a bouquet of blue roses.

He slowly began walking towards you. You didn’t actually think his strides were slow, but with the sound of you heartbeat pounding in your ears you were sure your nerves were just acting up.

He halts in front of you and you stand up from your booth, a little too close to him to be hostile.

“I got you these.” He holds out the bouquet of roses. You hesitate for a short second before reaching out and taking them from him. In the transition, your small hand lightly brushes against his large one - which was taking up he majority of the bottom part of the bouquet.

He stares at you for a bit, admiring you silently before walking to his side of the booth and sliding in, while you do the same. The two of you remain in silence for a moment while you swirl the pink straw through your milkshake, but you understand he’s just trying to figure out where to start.

“I’m sorry.” He tells you. You raise an eyebrow, urging without words for him to continue.

“I feel like I never really got to tell you that. It was just screaming, and then all of a sudden you weren’t there.” He fiddles nervously with the small ring on his finger, looking you in the eyes while you skeptically try to avoid his glance.

“I looked for you,” He inquires, “I wondered what you did after. Whether you...got rid of the baby or not. I asked around a bunch but no one knew where you went. Your close friends graduated and left by the time the argument took place so I couldn’t find them.”

You were shocked by the words he was feeding you. The entire time you had thought he wasn’t even trying, hence the fact that he never once visited you during your pregnancy. A small amount of your anger towards him stopped, but you still held a good amount of hatred for the things he had done.

“How was the last year?” You ask him. He perks up at your question and proceeds to open his mouth.

“It was alright. I’ve been writing some songs, lived in LA for a few months but it wasn’t really my thing.”

Losing communication with Shawn after the breakup, you had only gotten information about him from magazine articles and social media sites, all of which painted him as being a player and sleeping around. He had been seen with supermodels who were famous for nothing more than being famous, so you wondered whether these articles were accurate or not.

“How was yours?” He asks you. The environment feels foreign, as if you both feel on edge and overly nervous about the conversation.

“I had a kid.” You nervously laugh, “Spent a lot of time alone back in Pickering.” You tell him. He nods, taking in the information and biting his lip lightly.

“I regret it, you know.” He tells you, “Not just leaving Raul, which is a really big deal too. Leaving you in general. I never realized how much you meant to me before I couldn’t see you, even when I wanted to.”

“He looks just like you.” You tell him, cracking a smile at the memories of your small pudgy baby, “Same hair. I’m sure he’ll be just as talented when he’s older.” You smile at the thought of Shawn teaching him how to play the piano. You wished he had been there through all of the rough patches leading up to where you were.

“I’m sure he will be. You’ve done a great job with him.” He tells you.

You both sit in silence again. It isn’t awkward, the both of you spend time reflecting on the good memories of the past.

“I just wish I had stayed.” He lets out a deep breath, “I want to be there for him. I’m not the same guy that I was a year ago, especially in that moment.” He declares solidly, shaking his head as he reminisces what he said.

“Are they true? The magazine articles about LA. WHat you said at the party about the models, were you telling the truth?” You ask what’s been on your mind the entire time, had he really been messing around with girls from LA? Was he really attached to a string of meaningless one night stands?

“I left for LA after looking for you for two weeks. I checked with everyone you knew from our town, even asked that one lady you buy fruit from at the farmers market. They hadn’t seen you around.” His hands close together, “So I went to LA to get my mind off of it. I tried to push it aside, told myself you had probably moved far away. I drank some, and I slept with some girls because I thought i’d feel better. But it always bothered me.”

You feel a slight ache in your chest at the statement. You didn’t want to imagine him loving other girls, but it seemed like he had no problem doing what he did.

“I know you don’t want to let me back into Raul’s life. I know that you don’t trust me, and I know I messed up more than words could even start explaining. But I already missed so much of his life, I don’t want to sit back and watch him as a stranger.”

You’re hearing him out, you really are. But a part of you still imagines the young boy who had yelled at you to salvage his career, who had accused you of a crime you didn’t commit.

“You named him after me, you did that because you’re selfless. Even though i’ve hurt you this much, you still can’t help but think that i’m a part of him. I’m telling you right now, y/n, that I want to be.”

He admires the blue roses lying on the table next to my glass, reaching out and pulling a flower from the bouquet.

“I asked the florist what it meant.” He fidgets with the thorns and picks them off.

“There were red roses for love, yellow roses for happiness, white roses for purity, and green roses for refreshment. I was going to get you the red ones, but I don’t just love you like that.”

“Blue roses don’t occur in nature by themselves. They need to be dyed by humans with special pigments.” You don’t see the point of the conversation he’s sparking but he continues anyways.

“Because of this, they symbolize things that are unattainable. Dreams, things that you wish for but can’t achieve.”

He pauses for a second, almost tearing off one of the flower petals by accident.

“I got you blue because that’s what you’ve always meant to me. A dream I can’t seem to comprehend. But the best part about you is that with you, every dream i’ve ever had has become a reality.”

“Blue means unattainable, which is what you seem to me all the time. With the severity of which I messed up, you shouldn’t be attainable to me. But the point of dreams is to chase them until they become a reality, no matter how absurd and impossible they seem. And the point of me telling you this is so you know i’m going to chase you, for as long as it takes for you to come back to me.”

You stare at him intensely, remembering the almost cinematic moments you had shared with him in your life. Taking a blue rose from the bouquet of flowers, you place it in front of him, next to the flower he has now placed on the table.

“I love you, too.”

#shawn mendes angst #Shawn Mendes Imagine #shawn mendes imagines #shawn mendes #shawn #shawn mendes writing #shawn mendes blurb #shawn mendes icon #fanfiction #writing #my writing #blurb #preference #preferences #shawn mendes preferences

[coeurdastronaute]

Essays in Existentialism: Arkers IV

more from the Arker universe please. I love the celebrity au. Maybe Clarke is doing an interview and is being asked about a ring on her wedding finger. her and lexa are engaged. VMAs au? Festival AU.

Previously on Arkers 

“I don’t want sushi,” Clarke complained.

The traffic of the city grumbled along as the couple made their way down the sidewalk in the chill of the fall that approached. The rain was waiting, holding out a little long, while the buildings all braced for the inevitable downpour.

An arm wrapped around her bicep as a chin leaned against her shoulder as she lamented the choice her girlfriend made for the lunch plans. It wasn’t even going to be a long lunch, but rather one snuck between sound test and the first of two shows, and a few interviews for the model. They had to make a decision quickly, and the musician didn’t help.

“You’ve already admitted that you feel better when you eat healthy,” Lexa needled, hiding her cold nose in the jacket.

“But, counterargument, pizza is only a dollar.”

“We’re not eating pizza.”

“Not sushi. I won’t get to eat until after the first show, and I’ll be hungry in five minutes.”

The bickering didn’t stop as they meandered around the block. It was lighthearted and normal, which was still so weird for them. Though they were busy, there had once been a discussion in which each decided that time for them was just as important a their careers. It was an important discussion, and it was one that signaled how serious they were for each other.

It was hell for their managers, but it was working.

And it led to bickering about lunch choices because they had the time to be together to do those things.

“I love you, but I can’t live your healthy life all of the time,” Clarke sighed, her breath coming out in a cloud against the chill.

“You and the twins eat like children. I feel like a mom who gets the kids back from their weekend with grandma.”

“Sushi is delicious. I just need sustenance.”

“Fine. How about a diner?”

“Now you’re speaking my language,” Clarke smiled and kissed her girlfriend’s temple as they walked, knit together and warm against the cold and the city.

If it hadn’t been for the bodyguards who almost blended in, and if it hadn’t been for the few people that recognized them and took pictures, no one would not ice who it was, and no one would care. But a few people did, and they ignored it as best they could.

“When we go home, you’re going to be spending a lot of time with me cooking you dinner.”

“Yes, but you travel a lot so I can cheat.”

“You know what?” Lexa remembered. “You should record that one song. I meant to tell you that but kept getting sidetracked.”

“Which one?”

“The one you did at soundcheck last night.”

“When?”

“The one where you--”

“Um, excuse me?” a voice interrupted them, respecting the boundary of a body guard.

The large man approached , blocking the teenager a little bit, as he was paid to do, though she was, by all accounts, not a threat in the slightest.

“Yeah?” Clarke asked, furrowing slightly at the imposition of real life.

“You’re… you’re. You’re. You’re. You’re Clarke Griffin and Lexa Woods, right?”

She couldn’t have been more than a high schooler, and she was sweet and nervous, which immediately put Lexa at ease for some reason. She hated being stopped on the street, but she loved when anyone who wasn’t an adult was so polite and kind and scared. It was endearing to experience that kind of excitement in its purest form.

“Hi. I just. I love you guys,” she explained.

“Easy Dennis,” Clarke nodded the guard away.

“I’m sorry. I don’t want to interrupt your day. I just… I can’t believe you’re here, and I am going to work, but I just won’t ever--- this is just--- I mean-- you two are just--”

“Hey, it’s okay,” Lexa smiled and promised, unwinding herself from Clarke’s arm. “Not a problem.”

“What’s your name?” her girlfriend offered.

“M-M-M-Maddie.” Even though she was smiling, there was the slightest indication of tears as well, which was something the musician dreaded. She didn’t like crying. Screaming was alright. Crying was too much emotion.

“How old are you, Maddie?”

“Seventeen.”

“A good age,” Lexa promised before hugging the stranger. Clarke didn’t like to, but she followed suit well enough to appease her girlfriend.

“And you’re going to work?”

“I work at a restaurant after school. And we’re on break, so I picked up-- Wow. I just can’t believe it.”

“Would you believe that we’d like you to take us to work with you?” Clarke grinned, eyeing her love who smiled and rolled her eyes at the antics. “Serve anything good?”

“It’s just a café with sandwiches and salads.”

“Sounds perfect.”

“Lead the way,” Lexa smiled.

“Are you-- are you sure?”

“We’re starving.”

“Do you think… I hate to ask, but could I take a picture?”

“Let’s get it out of the way,” Clarke nodded and looked at the phone as it was held up between them. “There. Done and done. We’ll take more after we eat.”

“Oh, no, you don’t have-- I mean, if that’s okay… I just. Gosh, I love you guys so much.”

“Well, we’re fairly loveable,” the musician agreed, earning a pinch on her side.

“No, I just. It’s kind of so cool to see you both be so normal and in love. And I just found out I like girls before I saw you together, and it’s just… I love your music, and I guess it’s hopeful. I don’t know. You’re great. Both of you.”

“Welcome to the team. We actually try to meet all girls who like girls and welcome them to the club,” Lexa chuckled.

“I can’t believe I’m talking with you. This is the craziest day of my life,” the teenager shook her head and stared back at them before looking away quickly.

“To be fair, I think we’re the ones stalking you to your place of work,” Clarke realized as they waited at an intersection to cross.

“Oh, you could never. I just. This. I can’t…. Wow!” she squealed mostly to herself.

“I suppose you know us. Tell us something about yourself,” Lexa linked her arm with the stranger.

As quickly as it started, Clarke found herself tugged along with Lexa and her newest pet project. For the most part, she kept quiet unless asked. It was safer that way for her to not say something stupid.

But she listened.

“So you like girls. Do you like a girl?” Lexa grinned.

Lexa had a way with people that was absolutely maddening. Anyone was her friend, and whoever said they weren’t obviously never met her. She had this natural default setting of aloof, and yet she was sunshine and warmth within moments in an unconventional way. It was this kind of ease she made people feel, despite herself. She could command a room and attention. Clarke loved her quiet capabilities.

It was not as easy for Clarke. There was a steep learning curve when it came to interacting. While getting on stage and playing, or performing, was second nature, getting close to people wasn’t. She was polite and humble, but she was never forthcoming or exuberant.

“Clarke studied math in college for how long, honey?” Lexa squeezed her side.

“Six months,” she smiled. “You look like you’re much smarter than I was.”

“We’ll see how it goes. Math books are ridiculously expensive. All books are,” the teenager debated. “But here we are. I can’t tell you how nice it was to meet you both. Thank you so much.”

Much of their break had been spent debating and walking, but both were okay with being a few minutes late, and actually enjoying their lunch. The waitress still couldn’t believe that she’d met them, and she hadn’t known that they would be so polite, or that they would leave her a large enough tip to cover at least one large textbook next year.

And when the waitress posted her pictures with not just a supermodel but a rock star as well, she never imagined that tagging them would lead to them following her. Nor did she succumb to that near fatal case of one’s icons failing to live up to the hype. If anything, she was convinced they weren’t human.

“You look cute in that,” Clarke tried as she flopped down in her bed beside her girlfriend as she flipped through pictures on her tablet.

“She was a sweet girl. Would you do some fundraising with me for scholarships for STEM?”

“I would. But you have to stop picking projects every day.”

“I don’t,” Lexa furrowed and shook her head.

“We went to the park, and you decided to be auctioned at a some environmental groups charity dinner. You did a shoot in Kentucky and now you’re raising money for books for libraries in poor counties,” Clarke listed. “I introduced you to the wife of one of my producers and you are helping with some Music in the Classroom initiative.”

“I like helping, and I might as well.”

“And I love that about you,” Clarke kissed her knee and nuzzled into her thigh. “But you’re making me look bad.”

“Fine. I’ll trade out the parks for STEM scholarships.”

“But what about the big trees and the coral?”

“Don’t do that,” Lexa huffed, pursing her lips and smiling despite how annoying her girlfriend could be. “Did you see what she wrote?”

“The waitress?”

“She said that we bickered about our dinner plans and still, you looked at me like you loved e more than breathing.”

“I don’t know about that,” Clarke yawned. “I’m quite fond of breathing.”

Lexa brushed her hands through the musician’s hair quietly as she looked at the stupid picture of her rosy cheeks in the autumn afternoon and her girlfriend’s cheesy grin. There’d been so much time apart and together, and there was this quiet knowing to them. Lexa felt at home in the apartment they used when they were on that coast.

Somehow it’d been nearly three years they’d been doing this thing, this liking each other, this doting and being a couple in front of the world. Sometimes it just plain sucked to have eyes watching them. Sometimes it was just nice to hear that they were real from another living person, from someone it meant something to a bit.

“Oh, come on, babe, don’t do that,” Clarke groaned and burrowed once again, kissing hip as she hid. “You can’t be friends with everyone.”

“She’s a good kid. I want to see how she ends up.”

“I wish people knew what a stalker you were.”

“It’s not stalking. I’m sure she’s okay with it.”

“Okay, enough of this,” Clarke decided, grabbing away the electronics and sliding atop the girl in her bed. “I can’t breathe. I need to breathe.”

Lips moved to neck and Lexa giggled as an obnoxious fish gaped atop her, pretending she couldn’t catch her breath unless she was kissing.

It wasn’t her cup of tea. Lexa didn’t enjoy the mud and the muck and the heat and the sweatiness. She didn’t particularly care for the smell of weed permeating the air in a smog, nor did she enjoy the loud noise and the exuberance of people caught in the throws of crazed, musically driven dancing on every inch of space.

But damn if Lexa didn’t miss the stupid singer who loved playing at festivals and took it upon herself to have a crazy schedule playing at as many as she could across the world.

And so she donned the old cut up band shirt from her girlfriend’s side of the closet, and she made her friends join her, and she traversed the festival after a sixteen hour flight.

“Look at that crowd,” Anya yelled over the music of another band across the lawn.

The mob of people at the main stage kept growing despite other shows, and even with their passes that got them to a little tent on the side, it was absolutely overwhelming. The mood was catching.

“I don’t know how she does this,” Lexa shook her head as she took a video of the pre-concert crowd.

“You literally walk in shows, have your face on billboards, and have made not terrible appearances in some alright movies.”

“Have you ever honestly been in front of so many people?” she challenged.

The rest of their party drank and danced and did not notice the immensity of it all. But Lexa felt a certain pride at the hush of the masses as the lights came on and the instruments were put out, and it was nearing time to start.

As soon as she walked out, Lexa smiled so much her cheeks hurt. It happened so naturally, she was surprised by how her body betrayed her heart. But there was Clarke, and it’d been about three weeks of chasing each other, and she was so excited, she simultaneously couldn’t wait for the show to start and also be over.

With calm connectedness, they took to the instruments, Clarke slipping the guitar strap over her shoulder as she paced and found her spot. There was a focus to her that was so intense, it felt like Lexa was the only person there, even though Clarke didn’t know.

And then the drum started. And the lights went gentle white behind them. And Clarke approached the mic before beginning one of her favorites.

It was the way she moved around. She had a way of absolutely owning the stage and the crowd and she often came out exhausted, and Lexa knew why. There wasn’t one ounce of energy left over. All of it was out there, for the crowd.

Their voices rose up by the third song, and Lexa watched Clarke smile before joining on the following verse after the chorus, her own written words, echoed back by a thousand and some odd people.

“I’m going to marry her,” Lexa sighed as she watched her girlfriend doing the thing that gave her life passion.

“What?”

“Good show, huh?”

“Amazing!”

“You look amazing. Did I tell you that?” Clarke promised as she reached out to hold Lexa’s hip.

There was a flurry around them, there was lots of noise and there were lots of directions, but they didn’t really look at much else as they were ushered along. They had a routine. They were veterans on the whole thing, and it showed.

“You did. Which I like hearing.”

“This dress is uncomfortable.”

“But you look so pretty too,” Lexa promised.

“Just a couple of pretty gals out on the town.”

It was like that. No one believed that she was as big of a dork as she was, but Lexa knew. She had those moments that made it all real and she loved Clarke so dearly because of all of them she got to steal and keep to herself.

There were moments she wasn’t sure how they were going to make it, and there were moments when she wasn’t sure that they could. But they did. They always did. It was, in part, due to Clarke’s fortitude. She was so damn stubborn and unflappable.

“It was a lot of fun to shoot. They were all very welcoming,” Lexa answered her questions from the interview while Clarke lingered to the side.

“I have some questions coming from Twitter,” he looked at his phone. “We don’t want to keep you too long.”

“Clarke is very anxious for some pop corn,” she laughed and winked at the culprit.

“Now, see, this is interesting, I don’t think I noticed it,” he looked up. “But I’m being asked to ask about your ring.”

“My ring?”

“Yes. That one, specifically.”

“Oh, yeah,” Lexa nodded and fiddled with it.

“Did you get asked about mine as well?” Clarke interjected.

“Have a good night,” her wife pushed her slightly toward the next interview. “This is going to be a long night.”

NEXT

[andrewberkowitz]

2017 - A Year In Review

I’m not a pessimist, but it sure is hard to find the positives in 2017.  We’ve lived through almost a full year of a sexual predator as our President, seen thousands lose their lives to senseless gun violence, and have had our racial tensions soar to impossibly new heights. Changes are happening every day and sometimes it’s hard to tell if we’re even heading in the right direction. The world is scary for everyone right now, and while it’s important to stay vigilant, everyone also deserves a distraction every now and again. Some people sweat out their stress by running marathons, others through hot-yoga, and others through leaving our country all together and traveling the world. My decompression, as it always has been, is through totally immersing myself in the endless abundance that is New Music and dissecting it until the late hours of the night. This year, I was slightly disappointed by the lack of consistency from bands and songwriters. There was no Lemonade to inspire us, no Blonde to lullaby us, and no Life of Pablo to wake us the fuck up. In fact, 2017 feels like the year mainstream rap and pop just took a year off. DAMN. was alright, but overall, I wasn’t compelled by anything that made its way to the Top 50 Charts. So, where does that leave us? With an obscure collection of mostly sad, but beautiful songs that I don’t recommend playing at parties. Grab some tissues, and enjoy. Best Songs of 2017 25. “In Chains” – The War on Drugs Truly almost any song from The War on Drug’s fourth and best album A Deeper Understanding could’ve made the Top 25 list of the year, and I chose “In Chains,” sort of arbitrarily. “Chains” is classic The War on Drugs. A repetitive piano line, grazing synth, and straight-forward percussion chugs the song along until screeching guitars whip us into an incredible chorus that would make Bruce Springsteen diehards sprint down the nearest turnpike at blistering speed. Also, on the topic of The Boss, if the piano solo at the very end is not a blatant ode to “Jungleland,” than I don’t know what is.

24. “The Grocery” – Manchester Orchestra

It’s really hard to include this song by itself because it really belongs as a companion piece to the two-minute “The Sunshine” that proceeds it. In fact, the entire album of A Black Mile To the Surface is such a cohesive album from front to back that it’s hard to appreciate the parts of its sum and not just the whole itself. Alas, if Black Mile is a cohesive narrative, than the “The Grocery” is its epic chapter. After a near death (“you squeeze on the trigger / but all it does is click”), the song builds into an impossibly gorgeous wall of sound, a mix of multiple layers of pitched up vocals, guitars, pianos, and drums. It’s everything, all at once, and it’s freaking awesome.

23. “Through The Roses” – Future Islands Arguably the hardest working person in the business, Sam Herring, frontman of Future Island brings all the emotions to the front on “Through The Roses,” a deep-cut off the AOTY contender The Far Field. Somehow Future Islands always finds a way to make singing about pain so danceable and this is no different. “Through The Roses,” is one of the most emotionally affecting (“it’s not easy being human”) and lyrically vivid (“the cut is waiting / the cut is waxing and it’s cold) songs in his entire catalog, but it will also the one that will get stuck in your head the longest.

22. “Tonite” – LCD Soundsytem

When I first heard this song, I really wanted to hate it. From the jump, we are greeted with a cheesy 80s house beat, SNL-inspired cowbell, and the hyper-processed vocals we're used to hearing in Daft Punk songs. "Tonite" chugs along for four minutes, gradually adding tension with the help of a gorgeous synth line, anxious guitar plucking, and a choir of echo-ing vocal harmonies. In the song's final two minutes, Murphy substitutes his talking for singing and the pay-off is incredible. With lines like “you hate the idea that you’re wasting your youth" and "terrible people know better than you / the use and abuse of the wants of dear listener," you'll be mad at yourself for questioning this incredible song in the first place.

21. “Losing All Sense” – Grizzly Bear

A standout single of the new record, Painted Ruins, “Losing All Sense,” is one of Grizzly Bear’s most accessible songs ever recorded. A bouncy guitar riff pushes along the up-tempo song until a kaleidoscopic chorus takes over, slowing the song down to a crawl as Ed Droste anchors the moment with the thoughtful lyric, “could I ask of you / not to cut into me?” It’s such a great juxtaposition of jingling, upbeat instrumentation and dark lyricism. Not since “Two Weeks” have we seen a Grizzly Bear song this replayable, which is such a nice reprieve from the dense tracks that cover the rest of the album.

20. “Proud” - (Sandy) Alex G

Alex Giannascoli, the prolific Philadelphia singer-songwriter refuses to put himself in a box. In the past half decade, Alex has shown us a multitude of different sides to him, from straightforward lo-fi bedroom folk-rock (Tricks, DSU), to dark, weird indie-rock (Beach Music). On his latest though, Rocket, Alex takes all of his influences, and then some, and throws them into an album that has as many abrasive, screaming experimental-rock songs as it does simple, cozy, alt-country songs. It’s a terrifically weird juxtaposition to hear, but one song that really stands out on the latter side of that spectrum is “Proud,” an incredibly warm, Americana-style song that has Alex strumming cleanly on an acoustic guitar overtop a dancing piano line and a tambourine. It’s such a simple and classic tune you’re going to swear you’ve heard it before. It’s definitely not even close to the most interesting song on Rocket (Check out “Horse” or “Brick” for that), but it’s definitely the most beautiful and replayable, and those are the ones that tend to find their way into my year-end lists.

19. “Supermodel” – SZA

SZA, who absolutely deserves the award for Breakout Artist of the Year, is a co-writer for Rihanna, and on first listen to “Supermodel,” not to mention the rest of the stellar Ctrl, it’s easy to see why. “Supermodel” kicks the album off with a bang, as her vocals carry the song throughout the entire track, twisting and turning in gorgeous fashion, not unlike the cadence one comes to expect with the flows of Young Thug or Frank Ocean. SZA’s lyrics are at the forefront as she sings, clear as day, “I’ve been secretly banging your homeboy,” atop nothing but a few pillow-y guitar chords. Well, shit.

18. “May I Have This Dance” (Remix) – Francis and the Lights ft. Chance The Rapper

Before Chance added a verse to Francis Starlight's, “May I Have This Dance,” it just sounded liked a 80s cheese-pop ode to Peter Gabriel. On the remix, it still sounds like that, but with a much-needed upgrade to freshen it up. Easily one of the most (and only) danceable songs on this list, Francis’s lyrics of “can I say something crazy? / I love you” actually feel authentic and not overly saccharine, which make this song cut deep, if you let it. Chance ends the song with a characteristically fun (ex: “I love you more than you mother”) verse as we’ve come to expect, before the explosive final chorus brings the song to the end. Make sure you check this song out live – Chance and Francis have an adorable dance that goes with it.

17. “Waving Through A Window” - Ben Platt

I’m just gonna say it. If you are not a fan of corny musicals, then go ahead and skip this song. Now that we have the haters gone, I can swoon over the standout hit from 2017’s biggest Broadway musical Dear, Evan Hanson, an incredibly powerful coming-of-age show about bullying, anxiety, suicide, and unrequited love. “Waving Through A Window,” is an immediate hit that may sound like a Top-20 Christian-Pop song (I know) on first listen, but when you really let go of your judgements you can enjoy the song for what is is - one of the catchiest songs of 2017. Just wait until the major-key change at the end – so amazing.

16. “Follow My Voice” – Julie Byrne

There were a lot of solemn, introspective albums released by fearless women this year (Vagabon, Phoebe Bridgers, Julien Baker, Big Thief, Palehound), and Not Even Happiness by singer-songwriter Julie Byrne is one of the best of the year. “Follow My Voice” is the opening track on the album and also the strongest. An absolutely gorgeous acoustic guitar flutters along as Julie shares what seems to be a moment of tension for her in a relationship (“to me this city is hell / but I know you call it home”). Around halfway through the song, strings are introduced and that’s when the waterworks begin. It’s an absolutely real song about personal sacrifice, insecurity, and love, and you can feel every emotion thanks to Julie’s soaring vocal range.

15. “Cold Apartment” – Vagabon

There’s really no silver lining to this song. “Cold Apartment” is a song about the painful end of relationships and how nothing ever goes as planned. I love how vulnerable Laetitia Tamko is on this track, as she starts the song off with “I know it’s my fault. I gave up on everything.” From there, you are in for a ride of dark and brooding instrumentation and lyrics. While this song elicits the same emotions as Julie Byrne’s “Follow By Voice,” the roaring percussion of “Cold Apartment” at least allows you to take out your anger by punching a wall rather than crying softly into your pillow.

14. “Haley” - Big Thief

“Haley,” a standout track from the Brooklyn quartet Big Thief, is a beautifully, intricate folk-rock song with enough tension and resolution to please the average classical music listener. Overlapping twinkling guitars carry the song as the song’s tempo swells and contracts back and forth, reminiscent of a 1970s Joni Mitchell.

13. “Hunters Gun” – Palehound

“Hunters Gun,” the opening track from Ellen Palehound’s newest album, A Place I’ll Always Go stuck with me the second I heard it. While under two-minutes, “Gun,” packs quite the punch, as a lo-fi crunchy drum mix and simple electric guitar accompany Ellen Kempner’s desperate and painful vocals. As Kempner breath-sings “Don’t come near me, I don’t wanna see your face,” you can literally feel the goosebumps from the horrid scene she’s describing.

12. “Ballad Of A Dying Man” - Father John Misty

Enough has been written on Father John Misty that I don’t feel like I need to give this man more credit than he already gets, but I’d be remiss to leave off a cut from Pure Comedy, the latest output from J. Tillman’s impressive catalog. Like many songs on Pure Comedy, “Ballad Of A Dying Man,” is a sardonic social commentary on modern-day culture, but this time from the perspective of someone who is about to die. “Eventually the dying man takes his final breath / but first checks his news feed to see what he’s about to miss” is classic Tillman, as he sings over a track that is brought together by acoustic guitar, piano and some background gospel singers. It may be easy to roll your eyes at this song but it’s even easier to admire its beauty and genius.

11. “Chanel” - Frank Ocean

“My guy pretty like a girl / and he got fight stories to tell” may be my favorite lyric of the year, and it’s the opening line to Frank Ocean’s stand-alone single “Chanel,” released in March. One of the more braggadocious Frank tracks in recent memory, Ocean’s boasts about sex, money, and fame with a vocal performance that constantly shifts and turns with each new line, from tenor singing to a lower-register rap flow, sometimes even within the same bar. This is Frank at his best, flexing both his singing and rapping muscles while somehow still finding a way to make us to shed a tear while he sings about maxing out his Amex.

10. “Mallwalkers - Fred Thomas

Fred Thomas writes stories and then creates music around them. The Michigan native has written over 20 albums under several different alias’s and all of them are just as raw and impressive as the next. “Mallwakers” is the final song of his latest record Closer and it’s vintage Fred Thomas. A distorted guitar riff and crashing drum beat carry us through a mostly spoken-word narrative that builds and builds as the instrumentation intensifies and progresses. Listening to this song, it appears Fred is not singing for anyone but himself, as he reflects on the boredom and torture of a younger, past life, questing and criticizing something new in every line. Almost every line is simultaneously genius, funny, and heartbreaking all at once, particularly when he calls his high-school peers “horrid hushed hall talkers” and “judge-gabled gawkers.” Fred’s art has always been just as enjoyable to read as it is to listen to it, and “Mallwalkers” is no different.

9. “City of Roses” - Sufjan Stevens

In 2015, Sufjan released Carrie & Lowell, arguably my favorite album of all time. Since then, Sufjan has catapulted himself into a rare space of artists I believe can literally do no wrong (joining Justin Vernon and that’s about it). In 2017, he released the Planetarium LP, a Carrie & Lowell live album, contributed two songs to the fantastic Call Me By Your Name movie, and most recently, released The Greatest Gift, a Carrie & Lowell B-Side alum. Within the latest releases, we have been blessed with dozens of new Sufjan tracks that belong on this list, but the one I’m choosing to include is “City of Roses,” a short, addictive ode to one of Sufjan’s favorite cities, Portland. Unlike most of the sad, autobiographical tunes from Carrie, “City of Roses” is a refreshing reprieves of positivity, yet one that doesn’t sacrifice any beauty along the way. Reminiscent of Illinois-style folk rock, Sufjan admits, “I’ve had it enough with the east coast,” as he begins his trek to the beautiful Pacific Northwest. This song is short and sweet enough it will quickly reach it’s way to your most-played list before you know it.

8. “Real Death” - Mount Eerie

On July 9, 2016, Phil Elvirum’s wife died from pancreatic cancer. On March 24, 2017, A Crow Looked At Me was released, an album that pretty much chronicles in real time the aftermath, mourning and pain that Phil went through and continues to go through following her death. There has truly never been an album quite like this. It’s a rare, rare inside look to the unspeakable truth of what it feels like to lose the one you love and be left alone to raise your two-year old daughter on your own. “Real Death” is the first song off Mount Eerie’s arguably unlistenable, yet Album of the Year A Crow Looked At Me. All metaphor is stripped away, as Phil leads the song with the immortal words, “Death is real / Someone’s there and then they’re not / And it’s not for singing about / It’s not for making into art. When real death enters the house all poetry is dumb.” The language alone to describe his loss (“crusted with tears / catatonic and raw”) is enough to make you cringe and threaten to press the skip button. There really is no reward to listening to this song. But it’s real and it makes me feel things. And it’s the 8th best song of the year.

7. “Hey K” - Passion Pit

If you didn’t know, Passion Pit secretly self-released an album this year in March called Tremendous Sea of Love and it’s actually one of my favorite albums of the year. Despite my enjoyment of being in the minority of people who have been exposed to this album, I think it’s worth sharing a piece of the magic from the album in the form of “Hey K,” the most beautiful arrangement Michael Angelakos has composed to date. Warm, dreamy ambient synthscapes that we’re used to hearing from Passion Pit glisten and swell with twinkly pianos as Angelako’s familiar, yet slightly processed tenor glides us through the track.  While the track is directly aimed toward Michael’s ex Kristina Mucci, it is actually an exquisite love-song; a song of appreciation for what they had and will always have.

6. “Pageant” - PWR BTTM

I know I shouldn’t be writing about PWR BTTM because of the allegations against frontman Ben Hopkins, but I can’t help myself and include “Pageant,” --- the centerpiece of the same-titled 2017 record that never even saw the light of the day --- on my list. This is one of those songs that just stuck with me the second I heard it. The way in which Ben’s voice awkwardly bends along with the off-tempo melody of the acoustic guitar, the way in which their voice feels like it’s on the verge of breaking apart at any moment, and the way in which it does break apart at the end, all before an electric guitar takes the song to its natural conclusion. To me, it’s a perfect song and it’s a shame the song never actually got to see the light of day. In fact, good luck even finding this song on the internet.

5. “The System Only Sleeps in Total Darkness” – The National

How long have National fans been waiting for a song like this? After just about two decades of subtle, textured, mellow, down-tempo rock songs, the National reward its fans with “The System Only Sleeps in Total Darkness,” an urgent, thunderous, accessible stand-alone single that fucking rips. “I can’t explain it any other way,” says Berninger, and I have to agree. This song --- along with Aaron Dessner’s gross guitar solo in the middle of the song --- is simply one of the most fun, aggressive, cathartic National songs ever recorded. It’s up there with “Mr. November” as one of the all-time best too, and that’s saying a lot.

4. “Intrepid” – Pinegrove

Pinegrove know how to tangle your heart into a ball, play with it, and then give it back at the exact moment you’re about to curl over and die. “Intrepid,” the single off the supposedly titled Skylight supposedly out in March, is a call-back to the lo-fi days from Everything So Far. On the first couple listens to this song, it’s actually quite unassuming. Evan’s vocals are tucked neatly into the back of the mix, as clean guitars ring out over a tense percussive back. At times, Evan’s voice becomes more pronounced as he screams, “well the way I spent my winter / I wonder” but then almost immediately, he and the music pulls back, and leaves us wanting so much more. What feels like a frustrating tug and pull of tension with no real resolution during the lengthy and repetitive middle section soon makes sense when it transitions to its fateful conclusion. The tempo slows, then quickens, then slows, and then quickens again. Finally, the intensifying vocals and guitars swelter until they can’t take it anymore and we are greeted with a climatic, harmonious resolution all packed within a single chord. It’s a song that really takes a while to sink in, but once it does, you will not be able to stop hitting repeat.

3. “Orange Colored Queen” - Ty Segall

Ty Segall is a legend. If you don’t know him, he’s a singer-songwriter who has released 10 albums in the past 10 years, and that’s just counting the ones under his own name. He is a naturally gifted songsmith, who, at his best, has a really classic sound whose influences range across The Beatles, The Kinks, David Bowie, The Rolling Stones, to Queen. At his most interesting though, you can find Ty Segall crossdressing, wearing a mask and screaming nonsense into a microphone for five-minutes. “Orange Colored Queen” though, of literally the 200+ Ty Segall songs is probably the most straightforward and down-to-earth he has ever sounded. Starting with a beautiful and lazy guitar line, Ty eases us into the song before soon enough at the :50 second mark the track doubles in time, the drums kick in, and we are in paradise. I have a hard time describing this song because it’s such a simple and basic pop song that it really just needs to be heard, similar to any Beatles song you’d find on One. When a song is this good and this simple, you don’t ask questions – you just listen.

2. Appointments” - Julien Baker

Ok, so first, if you know me, I tend to be attracted to certain songs that have a specific formula to them. One of my favorite formulas is this: Quiet, atmospheric piano-driven ballad with introspective lyrics slowly builds to an anthemic, explosive, and deeply cathartic (key word) climax and that leaves you stuck in your chair for a bit after it’s over. Some of my favorite songs of all time employ this formula of slow start → rising action → climax. “Exit Music (For A Film)” does this well, “Ultralight Beam” does this well,” “I Dreamed A Dream” does this well. “John Wayne Gacy, Jr.” does this well. Well, Julien Baker, welcome to the club.

“Appointments” is that formula perfectly executed, with a twinkling guitar repeating throughout the song atop a timid piano line. As Julien reflects on a destructive relationship, the song slowly but surely starts to pick up pace, until eventually the music drops out altogether. After echoing and overlapping vocals fill up the instrumental void, the piano and guitar suddenly come back, this time with Julien belting the final refrain like it’s her final moments on earth, screaming, “maybe it’s all gonna turn out all right / oh, I know that it’s not, but I have to believe that it is.” It’s a powerful ending to a song that seems to bring as much healing to the listener as it does for Julien herself.

1. “Blanket Me” – Hundred Waters

Like I said in the Julie Byrne review, this year was rich in providing deeply powerful introspective indie-ballads from extremely talented frontwomen. “Blanket Me” was a song I discovered this year at a time when I really needed comfort and it really provided me the warmth I longed for. Just like its name, “Blanket Me,” is the feeling of locking yourself in a room, lying on the floor, wrapping yourself like a burrito in blankets, and blasting your favorite song until you sink deep into the floor. And if you think I’m being dramatic, go ahead and press play. The lyrics literally read “gone under, capsized and sinking” before she screams, “blanket me” literally 81 times (I counted). On top of the repeating lyrics, you get absolutely smothered by noise, as you are met with waves of vibrating synths, explosive drum fills, and a choir of pitched-up electronic vocals. There is so much going on at once that it’s hard to separate one sound from the other. It’s totally immersive, visceral, and above all, comforting. “Blanket Me” is the best song of two thousand and seventeen.

Full List:

1. “Blanket Me” - Hundred Waters 2. “Appointments” - Julien Baker 3. “Orange Colored Queen” - Ty Segall 4. “Intrepid” - Pinegrove 5. “The System Only Sleeps in Total Darkness" - The National 6. “Pageant” - PWR BTTM 7. “Hey K” - Passion Pit 8. “Real Death” - Mount Eerie 9. “City of Roses” - Sufjan Stevens 10. “Mallwalkers - Fred Thomas 11. “Chanel” - Frank Ocean 12. “Ballad Of A Dying Man” - Father John Misty 13. “Hunters Gun” - Palehound 14. “Haley” - Big Thief 15. “Cold Apartment” - Vagabon 16. “Follow My Voice” - Julie Byrne 17. “Waving Through A Window” - Ben Platt 18. “May I Have This Dance” - Francis and the Lights ft. Chance The Rapper 19. “Supermodel” - SZA 20. “Proud” - (Sandy) Alex G 21. “Tonite” - LCD Soundsystem 22. “Losing All Sense” - Grizzly Bear 23. “Through The Roses” - Future Islands 24. “The Grocery” - Manchester Orchestra 25. “In Chains” - The War on Drugs 26. “Motion Sickness” - Phoebe Bridgers 27. “Man of War” - Radiohead 28. “Guilty Party” - The National 29. “You Have The Right” - Passion Pit 30. “LOL” - PWR BTTM 31. “DNA” - Kendrick Lamar 32. “Evening Prayer” - Jens Lekman 33. “Charlie” - Alison Crutchfield 34. “Half A Million” - The Shins 35. “Reactionary” - Fred Thomas 36. “A Slow, Slow Death” - Los Campesinos 37. “Ran in Soho” - The Mountain Goats 38. “George Washington” - Why? 39. “Over Everything” - Courtney Barnett & Kurt Vile 40. “Mercury” - Sufjan Stevens, James Mcallister, Aaron Dessner, Nico Muhley 41. “The Greatest Gift” - Sufjan Stevens 42. “Blood On Me” - Sampha 43. “Darkened Rings” - Cloud Nothings 44. “Third of May / Odaigahara" - Fleet Foxes 45. “Total Entertainment Forever” - Father John Misty 46. “Kill Jill” - Big Boy, Killer Mike, Jeezy 47. “What I Want” - Cende 48. “Radio” - Sylvan Esso 49. “American Dream” - LCD Soundsystem 50. “Take Care (To Comb Your Hair)” - Ty Segall 51. “Keep Your Name” - The Dirty Projectors 52. “Dogs” - Pile 53. “Say Something Loving” - The XX 54. “Gone Beyond” - Peter Silberman 55. “Creature Comfort” - The Arcade Fire 56. “How Do You Sleep?” - LCD Soundsystem 57. “Look At Your Hands” - tUnE-yArDs 58. “Tonya Harding (in Eb major)” - Sufjan Stevens 59. “Taste” – Rhye 60. “Sugar For The Pill” – Slowdive Best Albums of 2017 1. Mount Eerie - A Crow Looked At Me 2. Julien Baker - Turn Out the Lights 3. The National - Sleep Well Beast 4. The War on Drugs - A Deeper Understanding 5. Passion Pit - Tremendous Sea of Love 6. Future Islands - The Far Field 7. Manchester Orchestra - A Black Mile To The Sun 8. Father John Misty - Pure Comedy 9. Sylvan Esso - What Now 10. Grizzly Bear - Painted Ruins 11. Los Campesinos - Sick Scenes 12. Fred Thomas - Changer 13. The Mountain Goats - Goths 14. James McAlister, Bryce Dessen, Sufjan Stevens, Nico Muhly - Planetarium 15. WHY? - Moh Lhean

If you've made it this far, thank you for reading. I hope you at least learned one new song or album that can bring deep emotion into your life. Below is a Spotify Playlist of every song except for PWR BTTM and Ty Segall. 2018, bring it on. Playlist here: https://open.spotify.com/user/andrewberkowitz/playlist/1v9fNU9V2foTnGu7LOjspO

#indie blog #indie music #best of 2017 #sufjan stevens #arcade fire #lcd soundsystem #grizzly bear #mount eerie #julien baker #the national #fresh #the war on drugs #passion pit #future islands #manchester orchestra #year end lists #sylvan esso #fred thomas #the mountain goats #frank ocean #father john misty #sza #slowdirve #kendrick lamar #the shins

[miss-m-and-her-blog]

He’s My Girl (Chapter 2)

TITLE OF STORY: He’s My Girl

CHAPTER: 2

AUTHOR: miss-m-and-her-blog

WHICH TOM/CHARACTER: AU Actor!Tom

GENRE: Romance, Drama, Action

FIC SUMMARY: He’s a guy, she’s a boy in disguise. He’s an actor, she’s a stuntman or -woman. How can it ever work when the famous Tom Hiddleston stars in an action film, with Charlie or Charlene as his stunt choreographer? 

RATING: E (Only for this chapter)

WARNINGS/TRIGGERS/AUTHORS NOTES: Yep, just a little sex scenes in this chapter; not gonna tell you between whom, you have to read on to know haha :P

FEEDBACK/COMMENTS:  By the way, the photos that I use as banners are not mine, just found them here on Tumblr :)

-----

“Hey Dodong, take care of Cha in L.A..” Artem instructed his son before they boarded the airplane.

“I’ll take care of him, he’s too busy taking care of his abs!” Charlene shouted out and it made Artem laughed out loud.

Dodong could only scratch the back of his head as Charlene laughed on as they got inside the tube that leads to the plane.

Along with their teammates– three burly men, Josh, Tony, and Gab; they were chosen to train and give out an audition in L.A.. at the Lockley Studios.

Somehow, Charlene felt like she had just joined the Olympics and they are the athletic team representing their country. But she just feels excited because she would see her Uncle Barty again and her cousins.

She had never been to the U.S. but she sees her cousins every Christmas break before she and her father moved to Seoul. Her favorite cousin is the second to the youngest of the eight children that her Uncle has; Barty Jr., or also known as the Youtube sensation and one of the Make-up tutorial Queens– LilyShimmers.

Charlene kept communication with her relatives even when she was already in Seoul. But it had been 10 years since the last time she personally met them, and she can’t help but feel jittery in a good way.

When they got to their seats, Dodong sat with her.

“Comfy?” He asked.

“Yeah, thanks.” the only reply Charlene could only manage to say.

She feels awkward with Dodong and she can feel that he likes her. But as much as possible, she didn’t wanted to have any romantic connection as of the moment. Charlene wanted to focus on the job. But then she tried to think of it, if she ever had any romantic connections in her life; the only answer would be no.

As the plane started to take flight, she looked outside the window and thought about it;

I never had anyone else to love but my Papa. No boyfriends, some intense but quiet crushes on some boys– but no one else.

She settled on to her seat and thought to herself, it didn’t mattered to her if she is a NBSB or, a No-Boyfriend-Since-Birth; she wants to have a job more than she wants to have one.

If I would have a boyfriend, it would be like I took a stone that I’d bash my head with.

This made her chuckle and it made Dodong look.

“Did you said something?” He turned to her.

“Nope. I’ll just take a nap, if you don’t mind.” She replied.

“Okay.” Dodong sighed.

And for the rest of the take-off, Charlene only slept. Not just because she wanted to rest, she wanted evade Dodong’s special attention.

—-

Where are you? I’m outside the cafe.

Tom immediately looked from left to right when he received that text.

And there, he saw her standing over the doorway, wearing a beanie over her fair head and wayfarers as a disguise. He got up to meet her and he gave her a peck on the cheek, and so did she.

“Hi. Thanks for meeting me, Paula.” Tom charmingly said.

“So, you want to go someplace else?” She replied, pointing out.

“Uhm, you don’t like this cafe?” Tom’s brows furrowed in worry.

“Nope. This place swarm with paparazzis, I’ll take you some place else.”

Without any hesitation, Tom took Paula’s hand and they started to walk in the streets. Little did they knew, the paparazzis had already taken a picture of them as they head down to Venice Beach.

There were a few people at the beach for that day, and some people didn’t recognized the both of them behind their guises of sunglasses, a beanie and a fedora hat in Tom’s case.

Tom initiated on getting to know Paula more; when he met her in the script reading, Tom knew he had to get her number. It wasn’t that hard for him as Paula had already shown an interest.

There was something about her that draws Tom; or maybe it’s just his recklessness and needing to forget about his ex that pushes him to Paula.

Paula knew the place very well as she found a lone hotdog stand in the boardwalk. They took a seat and ordered hotdogs and beer. Tom kept looking from left to right, a little bit anxious that somebody might recognize them at the boardwalk.

Paula giggled as she watched him. Tom gave out a nervous chuckle.

“I’ve tried that the first time I ate here. Nobody recognized me, ever. Here–” Then she removed her beanie and sunglasses.

Tom saw her infectious smile that brightens her pale blue eyes. He felt a little breathless, but he kept his cool. Finally, he removed his sunglasses and hat; he squinted a little from the sun, but Paula’s radiant beauty was more blinding than ever.

They began eating their hotdogs and Tom would ask a thing or two about Paula.

He found out that Paula used to be a ballerina until the age of 16. Then, after she was discovered in a play in her high school; she pursued acting.  Her uncle, George Weissman, became her acting coach; while her mother, Celine, pushed her into her career.

Paula paused for a while before speaking another word about her mother.

“Can we talk about something else?”

Tom nodded, “Sure.”

Then Paula’s gaze became direct, “What do you want to do after this?”

He tried to think of something to do, but Paula started with, “How about this; we go back to my place. I’ll make you coffee then listen to music.”

Tom leaned in closer to her, “Then what?” He saw her eyes burn with something else; it was passion, but it was so subtle, it’s only for him to witness.

“We’ll see, Mr. Hiddleston.” Paula winked at him.

“The day’s still young, though.” Tom remarked as he looked around.

Paula tucked her hair behind her ear and replied, “The way you say that, it’s just so Shakespearean.”

“Well, that’s what I was trained for.” Tom quipped.

They both chuckled at each other, but they went quiet, as if they were lost in the budding bliss that both of them are sharing. Tom brushed the side of her head and down to her hair.

I can already tell that I’d be sleepless again because of this woman.

They talked for another hour, something about their previous endeavors in the show business; and even down to their exes. Paula used to date a rock band front man, but she couldn’t handle his womanizing ways, she called it quits.

“Maybe it’s because rock-stars evoke desire from women, you know? Good girls like bad boys-thing.” Paula remarked.

“So, you tend to go for bad boys?” Tom quipped.

This made Paula laugh out loud as it is true. “Well, you’re not one. You’re a straight arrow, Tom.”

Then she placed a hand on his lap that made Tom slowly smile. “You have no idea; but man, did I try.”

Tom then stroke his lower lip as he eyed Paula. Paula couldn’t hide her smile, there she thought, she needed to have him right then. “Listen, Tom, do you want to go now? Back at my place? It’s not far from here.” She offered.

The invitation was enough for Tom to say yes to Paula. He thought, that was he was there for; to hook up.

“Let’s go then, darling.” Tom insinuated sweetly that gave Paula the most seductive smile he ever saw from her.

-----

Charlene felt the jet lag as she went out of the tube. But she also felt the cool winds of L.A. in its November weather. It didn’t felt any different from Seoul, but the air felt more rich to her.

Dodong never left her side, and he even guided her through the crowd. The boys followed them out and when they got into the arrival area, Charlene immediately saw a large glittery-pink sign board, with her name on it.

There was no doubt, it was her cousin's work.

"Lillllyyy!!!" Charlene shouted out amidst the people and she heard a loud and joyful call as a response,

"Cha-Chaaaaaaa!!!" And it was indeed her on-fleek gay cousin, Barty Jr.

Charlene couldn't help it, she left Dodong to run towards Barty Jr.

"Oh my god, Cha-Cha! Come here, lemme hug the fuck out of you!"

As what he is now known by, LilyShimmers, some of the newly arrived passengers and even stewardesses looked on as Charlene and Lily embraced each other so warmly.

"Look at you, Lily! You got taller! You look like a supermodel!" Charlene praised her cousin's outfit for the day and of course, matched with divine make-up that he is widely known for.

Lily had an androgynous body and features; a boy of only 19, he was two heads taller than Charlene; his mermaid-dyed hair ran through his shoulders.  He turned and poised for her as his smile met his violet eyes made possible by colored contact lenses; Charlene was just left breathless and smiling.

Then after the fabulous greeting from Lily, her Uncle Barty came over to welcome her. "Cha-Cha, welcome to L.A.!" And Uncle Barty gave her one tight bear hug.

It was as if the dark cloud of her past shooed away and it was replaced with warmth and happiness, just by a simple welcoming from her relatives.  Charlene tried to wipe out a few tears of joy from her cheeks.

"Aww, why are you crying, Cha?" Lily mumbled to Charlene. Because of this, Lily pulled Charlene in and wiped her tears away.

"I just missed you, guys-- that's all." She choked.

"We missed you too, Cha. And Bo also." Uncle Barty placed a hand on her head to comfort her

Then, Dodong and the boys came over to them; but their biceps and chiseled jaws got Lily's attention.

"Well, hot dayum!" Lily whispered to Charlene and she could only make a funny face at Lily.

"Oh, is this Dodong, Cha?" Uncle Barty asked her, then he met him with a handshake and a tap on the young man's shoulder,

"Dodong! It is you! If it weren't for your eyebrows, I wouldn't recognize you!"

"Thanks, Uncle Barty." He replied with a bright smile.

"How's Artem and Nini?" Dodong asked him.

"Papa and Mama are doing well. Papa's still on stunt choreography."

"Dad, are you going to introduce the boys to me-- I mean to us girls?” Lily sassed, but Charlene snorted out.

Uncle Barty sighed, “This is my boy, Barty Gosengtian Jr.; Junior, the boys.”

Lily wiggled his hips closer to Dodong and the boys to introduce himself, “Just call me... Lily.” His voice got ditzier that made Charlene snigger, she tried to look away so she wouldn’t burst out laughing.

But Uncle Barty already had a sour look on his face, he cut off the introductions by restraining Lily and pulling him back.

“Now, that’s enough, Junior-- anyways, where are you staying, you and the boys, Dodong?” Uncle Barty asked them.

“Lockley Studios had us provided lodging; we’ll be fine, Uncle Bart.”

“Oh, that’s good. So we’ll take Charlene home now, if you don’t mind.”

Dodong tried to hide his disappointment, and Uncle Barty saw it.

“Don’t worry, you’ll see her again.” He joked.

He gave out a nervous chuckle, but Uncle Barty already took Charlene’s pack.

“Bye, Dodong.” Charlene said finally.

“Bye, boys.” Lily gave out flying kisses to them before they left.

Charlene didn’t mind the boys; they’ll contact her in the day of the audition. But as they got to the car park, Lily and Charlene are already gushing about the past 10 years that they have to catch on about.

She may be in a different country, but Charlene felt home. It may not be her father’s company, but to her; it was enough.

------

Paula’s home was just a further walk from the boardwalk; and it was a beautiful two-floor four square house that has a breathtaking view of the beach and the sea. The design of the house for is built for a modernist or millennial, Tom observed.

Girl got class. He thought to himself.

She brought him to the living room where the kitchen was just the other side. Paula turned on the stereo and started to play a song.

“It’s a Lana Del Rey song; from her new album, Lust for Life. I hate to gush but, I so so adore Lana.” Paula lovingly explained as she paused over the counter.

Tom stood up and went over Paula’s side, “I’ve heard some of her songs. What’s the title?”

She looked away as she heard the lyrics of the chorus play, “Love.”

“Sounds hauntingly beautiful.” Tom whispered, but then, he leaned in to kiss her lips.

Paula felt herself bend over to Tom and willingly receive his lips. She closed her eyes and felt how sweet Tom can kiss.

But for a while, she hesitated and she let go of Tom.

“What’s wrong?” He asked.

“What about coffee?” She replied, breathless.

“Fuck coffee. I want you.” He hungrily whispered and once again, he took Paula into a deeper kiss.

Tom’s hands got a hold of her cheeks, but those hands went down to her shoulders, to her arms, until it found her waist. Paula couldn’t help but let a moan escape while he kissed her, as Tom was just too good at it.

He grabbed her everywhere he can grab, he placed her above the counter as he devoured her lips then down to her neck. His warm breath tickled Paula but made her want for more.

She was not letting him do all the work; her hand already found its way to the buckle of his belt, ready to unbutton and unzip his jeans.

Tom smirked but he kept on kissing her. Then, Paula spoke as she also wanted to catch her breath, “Let’s take this up. I’ve got a bed upstairs, you know.”

He carried her in his arms, and up they went to her room.

Tom didn’t cared as he pushed the door with his feet. He settled Paula down on the floor then proceeded in undressing each other. And when they both have no more article of clothing left in their bodies; Tom paused for a while to look at Paula.

“Damn. I could get used to this.” His sweet husky voice made Paula smile.

Then he pulled her once again, but she took him by surprise by pushing him gently into the bed. Tom knows well what she will do; Paula never broke eye contact as her lips got further down from his chest.

He shuddered when she reached his belly button, but that didn’t stop her from giving him head.

He gave in to the pleasure, the decadent sensation. Tom had been given blowjobs in his lifetime, but none were close to how Paula does it. With it every bob of her head, made it feel like he was going to come early.

And so, he stopped her midway; he didn’t wanted to blow off that fast. He asked Paula for a condom, and she was ready for it and gave him one immediately.

“Let’s do it from behind.” Paula breathed.

“What?” Tom’s brows were furrowed as he is now putting on the condom.

“Fuck me from behind.” She almost ordered him but she still sounded like an angel to Tom.

“Well then. How do you like it?”

Paula gave him a kiss, “As hard as you can.”

Tom smiled and made her turn around. They both crouched over the bed, and then he noticed that there was a mirror in front of them.

He slid his cock in and Paula felt it all.

“Fuck.” Tom moaned as he felt it all slippery and wet even though he already had a condom on.

“Because you-- were a good, good girl... You’re gonna get it... Hard... and fast.” He spoke through his thrusts.

With his pace, Paula moaned out loud and had her head slumped down to the bed. They both melted, like ice brought next to scorching-hot fire. They were one and they could feel every sensation, every touch, every breath that they took.

Tom saw their reflection on the mirror; but there was nothing more that he could think of but Paula. She looked at him through their reflection. Her angelic face writhed with passion and desire.

Tom couldn’t hold it back, he was coming. His breath hasten as he went faster with his pace.

"Oh, Paula-- fuck!” He moaned out loud, but he heard in a while, they were both proclaiming out sighs of pleasure through the whole room.

It was done. Tom bent over Paula and made her head turn so he could kiss her.

“So much for listening to music and drinking coffee.” She teased.

Tom chuckled and took her into sweet embrace. They both took a rest, as it had been a wild activity for the both of them.

Paula fell asleep on the bed, while Tom, he brooded over the curtained wide windows that shows the view of the sea. The filming for the The Last Deal would start in two weeks. Till then, he won’t be seeing her for a time.

He was informed that an audition for stunt performers were to take place this Friday. A stunt trainer for him will be chosen, and Tom has still no idea who it would be.

But then, his thoughts got back to Paula. He was wondering where their fling would go. if it’s for the long run or just the short time. He sighed and leaned on the post at the window. For now, he doesn’t want to think about it. He would just enjoy the ride for now.

#my fanfics #tom hiddleston #thfrustration #hiddlestoner #fanfic #fanfiction #AU!ActorTom

[soyoureviewhiphoptoo]

Soundtrack of the Week 11/08/2017

It is time for the Soundtrack of the Week, the SYRHHT blog segment where I discuss latest music releases and other projects that I listen to over the space of 7 days. So, here is a slightly different Soundtrack!

ALBUM

Frank Ocean- Blonde Released August 20, 2016 Label: Boys Don’t Cry 

There is a list of albums that we, fans of hip-hop and music in general, wait for in anticipation but it is likely it will never be released. Dr Dre’s Detox, Kanye West’s Good Ass Job, Lil Wayne’s Tha Carter V, any album by Jay Electronica are just a few of many albums that we waited for eagerly. For a long while, the sophomore album by Frank Ocean was in this class. Following the release of the 2012 album, channel ORANGE, fans of Ocean waited for him to release more music. Despite being slated for a July 2015 release, the project known as “Boys Don’t Cry” would be delayed for another 13 months. Then one day, Frank Ocean released the visual album Endless, making everyone question if this was the project they had been waiting four years to listen to. In a cruel twist of fate, Frank would use Endless as a means of satisfying his record deal with Def Jam, independently releasing one more album the very next day. This album was Blonde

Boys Don’t Cry but, lyrically, this album is sad and depressing; I commend anyone who listened to this and did not shed any tears. Blonde shows a radical change in the demeanour and artistry of Frank Ocean. Gone were the unconventional yet exuberant alternative RnB style of channel ORANGE and enters a much more introverted, sombre style which experiments with a variety of sounds from techno, psychedelic-pop, soul, RnB and so much more than my feeble mind can not comprehend. On this album, Frank Ocean shows an intense level of introspection, openly discussing experiences of love, heartbreak and self-loathing that really takes you on a ride. I feel like it is hard to take songs out of this album to listen individually only because each song plays a part in the bigger story and experience that Ocean is portraying. This album is a full dive into the intense feelings of a melancholy man trying to understand himself following numerous instances of bad times in his life and it personally resonated with me. Blonde is a disjointed masterpiece that I openly recommend.

RATINGS

Concept: 4.8/5 Production: 4.5/5 Lyrical Content: 5/5 Flow and Delivery: 4/5 Repeatability: 4/5 Did I enjoy this project? Yes, I did Songs to Recommend? Nikes, Solo, Pink + White, Self Control, Nights and White Ferrari

Final Rating: 4.5/5

Frank Ocean- Solo Personally, I found it difficult to pick just one song to place here, as any song on this album can be easily recommended but I decided to pick this song. Solo is a long-standing double entendre, with Frank Ocean singing about feelings of embracing being alone while deep down, he feels “so low” and needs some kind of high to feel better about himself. This was one of the first songs that immediately resonated with me as I can fully relate to this cognitive dissonance of feelings

ALBUM

Kid Cudi- Passion, Pain & Demon Slayin’ Released December 16, 2016 Label: Wicked Awesome Records and Republic Records

 I will start by saying that prior to the release of this album, I had never listened to a full Kid Cudi project. While I had heard a few songs from him and his features on Kanye West projects (Welcome to Heartbreak is an amazing song by the way), I had never been drawn to him (this seems like a recurring theme on this blog). In 2016, Kid Cudi found himself in a very strange place. He went on a twitter rant of Kanye-proportions, calling out Drake and the aforementioned Mr West, immediately calling them out for having ghostwriters despite their constant bragging of being top 5 artists. This would lead to a harsh response from Kanye during one of his many on-stage rants, saying  "Don't You Ever Mention Ye name, I birthed you." (Drake also responded...it was wack. It does not even deserve a reference). All of this “drama” would come to an abrupt halt when Cudi would admit himself into rehab a few weeks later for depression and suicidal urges. (Drake would then release the diss track Two Birds, One Stone while Cudi was in rehab...which is also wack). All of this happens to him and strangely, I found myself drawn to him. A weird combination of sympathy, disappointment in two of my favourite artists and the release of the lead singles of Frequency and Surfin’ drew me in and I decided to give Passion, Pain & Demon Slayin’ a shot (that is an amazing name by the way).

Seeing as I had never heard a full project by Cudi, my expectations were naturally low but I can openly say that I was completely blown away by Passion, Pain & Demon Slayin’. This album is lazily labelled as a hip-hop album but it is so much more than that. Cudi utilises the use of multiple instrumental sounds that generates a completely immersive experience. What is even better is Kid Cudi’s use of vocals and sounds he makes; throughout the project, he varies from rapping to singing to even humming. I do not think I have ever enjoyed a person hum more than I did when I heard Kid Cudi do it for at least 30% of the album. Aside from the stellar production, it is the lyrical content that helps set this album apart. In this album, Kid Cudi openly discusses his mental health.

These illusions in my head, ohh (I never wanna leave) Hallucinating, flying through air, ohh, so long To the demons in my head, ohh (No more misery) Hallucinating, flying through air, ohh, so long Free, free

Taken from ILLusions

Nightmares kept a nigga from closing his lids Since a kid, I've been haunted by visions of death Such a trip, now it's normal, I customed the grip

Taken from Baptized in Fire

You could try and numb the pain, but it'll never go away You could try and numb the pain, but it'll never go away

Taken from Swim in the Light

These lyrics only scratch the surface of the larger picture that Cudi is painting. He has spent seemingly a long time, consumed with these thoughts and feelings and while he goes out of his way to find ways of numbing this pain or blocking these thoughts, usually through drug use and sex, he is ultimately unable to overcome. The album starts out sombre and bleak, making you feel as if he will be unable to get out of this unfortunate situation however as it ends, Passion, Pain & Demon Slayin’ changes its tone; becoming lighter and more positive. This shows me that there is hope for anyone who is going through any form of mental illness, showing that with the right help, you can cope and get better. We do not get a lot of music in hip-hop discussing the toll of poor mental health and Passion, Pain & Demon Slayin’ is a hopefully the first of many.  

Ratings

Concept: 5/5 Production: 5/5 Lyrical Content: 5/5 Flow and Delivery: 4/5 Repeatability: 4.5/5 Did I enjoy this project? Yes, I did Songs to Recommend? Frequency, Surfin’, Swim in the Light, Baptized in Fire, ILLusions, Kitchen, Rose Golden, All In and By Design

Final Rating: 4.7/5

Kid Cudi- Frequency The opening song of the album and the beginning of this tale. He is with a lot of women, doing drugs as they all try to tune into the same frequency. To me, this track shows Cudi trying to numb the pain he is experiencing mental with menial things like taking shrooms and having sex. (Which is supported with the next song on the album Swim in the Light, for which the opening lines are above)

ALBUM

SZA- Ctrl Released June 9, 2017 Label: Top Dawg Entertainment and RCA Records

This is the first album of the First Lady of T.D.E and the label’s first RnB act. The label, best known for Black Hippy members, Kendrick Lamar, Ab-Soul, Jay Rock and ScHoolboy Q, the New Jersey singer SZA has found herself in a position to be one of the premier artists of her label. Long-suffering with label issues and album push backs, SZA finally treated the world with her debut album, Crtl. I’ve only heard her 2014 EP, Z and I can say that this album was a complete departure from the older project, showing a maturity in her singing style and a different range of lyrical content.

Spending time listening to the somewhat negative vibes of Blonde and Passion, Pain & Demon Slayin’, Crtl was a nice change of pace. In terms of production, the album presents a hybrid of RnB, hip-hop, soul and indie rock sounds that bring about an overall upbeat sound. What I appreciate about this album is the lyrical content. SZA is completely transparent about her past experiences of love and relationships. The album opens with the song Supermodel where she openly mentions she was having sex with her ex’s best friend after he dumped her on Valentine’s Day (messy...). She would go on to spend the album speaking of past love, loveless sexual encounters and a yearning just to love again. Although I’m not a woman so I cannot attest to all the experiences here, Crtl feels down to earth and ultimately relatable; her recent surge of popularity only makes sense. This is a great album to vibe to whether you are by yourself or with a loved one (I imagine it is a great thing to listen to during a breakup too).

Ratings

Concept: 4/5 Production: 4/5 Lyrical Content: 4.5/5 Flow and Delivery: 4/5 Repeatability: 4.5/5 Did I enjoy this project? Yes, I did Songs to Recommend? Supermodel, Drew Barrymore, Love Galore, The Weekend, Broken Clocks and Garden (Say It Like Dat)

Final Rating: 4.2/5

SZA- Drew Barrymore One of the calmer songs on the album and the lyrics are a reflection of this. The song shows the low self-esteem and insecurity generated in her mind from a bad relationship. While SZA is questioning herself and wondering if the relationship is even worth it, she still yearns for the affection of her lover.

ALBUM

J.I.D- The Never Story Released March 10, 2017 Label: Dreamville Records, Spillage Village and Interscope Records

It only makes sense to end this soundtrack with a rap album. So I decided to listen to another debut album, only this time it is an artist I have seen gain a lot of love and yet I had never heard of before. The Atlanta M.C. J.I.D seemingly popped up out of nowhere and had the hip-hop community talking about his debut project. The latest signee of J Cole’s Dreamville Records, J.I.D comes in as a perfect fit for the lyrical rapper style record label.

The Never Story is a very interesting debut for J.I.D. In this album, he immediately sets himself apart from his contemporaries, especially those from Atlanta who are mostly trap-rappers. He is not mumbling, he is not rapping about all the drugs he sells, he is not talking about going to the strip club every day, he is just rapping... J.I.D makes it very clear that he has a very solid rap ability and a unique flow that is complemented by his high-pitched voice and southern cadence.

Even before grades, going to my brother court dates And I asked my momma bout what he did but they'd never tell me Then I figured he killed a nigga or got caught for some dope he selling Kinda close but no cigarillo, he was armored up, that's a armadillo

Taken from General

J.I.D spends a large portion of the album discussing past experiences, growing up in East Atlanta but he is able to tell his stories in such an interesting way that keeps you hooked and makes you want to listen multiple times over. Production wise, the beats feel crisp and pristine yet they also have an underground feel that perfectly complements his rap style and his hood stories. J.I.D is certainly an artist to look out for and I am waiting for him to do songs with his fellow Dreamville artists (more specifically Cole)

Ratings

Concept: 3/5 Production: 4/5 Lyrical Content: 4.1/5 Flow and Delivery: 4/5 Repeatability: 4/5 Did I enjoy this project? Yes, I did Songs to Recommend? General, NEVER, EdEddnEddy, D/vision, Underwear and LAUDER

Final Rating: 3.8/5

J.I.D- Never The lead single of this album and his most well-known song to date. J.I.D speaks of times of struggle, being impoverished, unable to afford certain luxuries but what he switches this around almost immediately, saying he values his morals and would not ask for handouts or go for quick ways of making money like committing crimes.

#frank ocean #blonde #endless #channel orange #kid cudi #passion pain & demon slayin #man on the moon #frequency #surfin #sza #sza ctrl #love galore #supermodel #drew barrymore #top dawg entertainment #tde #jid #the never story #dreamville #j cole #love #pain #mental health #hip hop #rap #rnb #neo soul #indie rock #electronica #review