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littlestpersimmon · 2 years

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OK so ive always been into gentle swords but not fully got it but i Get It More now that uve posted more and i did a big read of all ur tag for it. so heres my questions. 1. we know how radinta reacts to finding out darenyas still alive but how EMO and 'nothing left to live for' unhinged does dinta become when he finds out about darenyas execution. also like how close to the execution does dinta know about all this in the first place (esp w the pregnancy ...) 2. youve touched on that darenyas undead + undead servants are used in the world as unending labor, is there any sort of way to tell someone id undead without them directly telling you? (also doesnt darenya count as twice undead because of his birth circumstances?) 👀👀👀

Ohh my g-d.. the more asks abt this the more I reveal how much of a whipping boy Dinta is to everyone around him..

Dinta is autistic as I mentioned before, so his only friends have always been just Humadsan and Narakan, whom are Both Also On The Spectrum, and Darenya.

They have been through thick and thin, been together catastrophe after catastrophe, however, no one grasps Dinta like Darenya does, no one is as kind and patient over Dinta's quirks and awkwardness and Difficult to Understand-ness like Darenya, who is just always... amused, never angry, and always willing to see the better side of Dinta's thought process, since Darenya knows what it's like to be Disabled But Not Visibly So.

Dinta was raised by a single mother, and though he's Understanding that life in an occupied land is difficult, and he's willing to give his mother Understanding, he just, also. Is terrified of the idea or being like her.

Because Renya is an "amsara", a child called back from a stillbirth for another shot at life, it is understood that he will only live partially a normal human lifespan, in my world's case, the oldest he could possibly be would be his early thirties. This doesn't daunt him, he's always known death, he has made peace with it. But also knowing he was gonna have a shorter life than other people, it made Renya very assertive, honest, and direct with asking for what he wanted.

It was him who pursued Dinta, asked him out, and was very protective of him. It was Darenya who was always chasing this boy and making sure he was okay. And Darenya's directness was very good to Dinta's brain, he never had to wonder if Renya had hidden motives or was not speaking in plain words.

Renya became pregnant when he was in his early 20s, and both him and Dinta were super excited, even if they both knew Renya did not have much long to live, they were determined to make the most of it,

Darenya would retire from his job at the rajah's court (he is a starfarer!), and Dinta would start to withdraw as well, Dinta is also a starfarer, but he'd be more of a "mission control" guy, like computing how much a ship should steer away from certain winds, monitors the weather condition, how much karhanan is needed to let a ship take off, just nerd shit, and he also makes wayfinding maps, for people like him who can't really memorize or visualize navigating stars by mind alone.

At the back of Dinta's mind, he knows he's gonna be a single dad for the rest of his life after Renya dies, and he's already sort of, depressed about it, and the only thing that they're both super excited about is how nice it would be to live near the ocean and they can swim every day, and both Renya and Dinta spend hours and hours drawing what their house is gonna look like..

Dinta, does one day, give Renya a small vial of this shiny liquid. It looks like.. almost translucent, almost prismatic liquid, and he WONT tell Renya where he got it, only that if he so wished.. to extend how long he belonged on their earth.. then he may have a drought of it. Renya would be shocked, because he immediately recognizes it to be sap from the saranggita, the holy trees from their world, and it is only permitted to take ONCE from it, to bring back stillbirths, but he is teased by the notion of getting to live longer, which was something he'd never even considered possible, so he keeps the vial Dinta gives him, and mulls it over.

But then eventually, Darenya finds out how Radinta got the vial, and another terrible betrayal, and he, being very hormonal and heartbroken, goes nuclear, but he does not stop loving Dinta, and Dinta does not stop loving him, and even to the Last day before Darenya eventually dies from his long, drawn out execution, Dinta never stops trying to, save him, run away with him and be vigilantes somewhere they can both be safe, even after Renya miscarried.. they can try again. Renya still dies, from infection, exhaustion, blood loss and just grief, and Dinta does not cry.

He does tenderly take Renya's body, in a fetal position and in rigor mortis, and he does the autopsy, the bathing.. scrubbed him clean in plumeria and coconut until he did not smell so dead and some of his beauty was restored to him.

Usually the Idina Tala, the undead slaves, would arrive to the deadships caked in blood and dirt and sweat, because the Idina Tala were executed criminals whose punishment continued even after death, and they were considered the dregs of mankind, people so unloved their deaths would just go on and on as eternal outcasts.

Renya arrived very clean, his nails clipped, his hair lovingly cut, bathed and with herbs in his mouth, and a talisman that would ward off any demons wishing to reposses his body, because Renya had an autopsy and was prepared like how a loved one would be buried, much unlike the others. The witches who would call him back remembered the man who dropped him off laying him down on the table very carefully, like he was still alive and could still feel pain.

I always see Dinta as having a blank face, rarely smiling, not mean, but just very.. reticent and withdrawn. He would comb back renyas hair on the table and stand there in numbed silence for a very long time, before he turns to the manhiyang, the witch who would reanimated Darenya to turn him into a slave, and he tells her, "do not think Ill of him. You know him not."

After Renya dies and is surrendered to the dead ships, its like Radinta was going about his life half a person, when he closed Darenya's lifeless eyes he knew no one would ever love him, and look on him with such deep understanding like Darenya did. Narakan did not know it was possible to have someone who was as distant to the world like Dinta, become even more distant, walking around the halls of the Rajah's palace like a man trapped in a thick fog. But, life must go on for Dinta, he still had some other matters to attend to, so. He focuses all his effort and energy and resources to find his sister in Sasaban, the most difficult to get into Sundering, and to get to Sasaban, he first must get to Janalila. All his hopes for the future, all his grief, he pours into finding the one family he has left, something to anchor him to the world, or else he might, he might die, lose himself to the myriad and the wheel of time.

In the world of Hidlawonen, when you are deemed to have done a social transgression, or a crime that is judged to be extremely gross, you receive a single tattoo, of a ring of salamanders and geckoes that goes around your limb. These are magical tattoos, one that remind the person branded that they have some role in the world to perform, and that all their actions must turn the wheel of time forward, meaning they must do all the good in life to progress the world. The more bad a person has done, the more they receive these rings of geckos. Almost everyone in Hidlawon has some form of gecko tattoo on their body, it is all part of being human to make mistakes. This system of punishment, though, is easily abused by people born into more fortunate circumstances, to isolate people they deem to be people "the wrong way", people who were born into misery are just.. trapped in a cycle of being miserable and a burden to their respective societies, and trapped to recommit evil acts trying to survive in a world that is just naturally hostile to them, and the gecko tattoos become a mark of shame the more there is on your body. The gecko tattoos are normally invisible, until you receive so much of them that they become visible and painful, once past your elbows or knees. The tattoos start at your ankles or below your shoulders, and the more "bad" you do as deemed by the local governments, the more tattoos of them you receive. When the gecko tattoos reach your wrists and ankles simultaneously, you are sentenced to death, and yoir fate is to become inevitably an Idina Talan, "no longer a person", an undead slave. That would be how people in Hidlawonen identify the Idina, and most Idina are "broken in thought and body", meaning while they are conscious, their mind is broken to the point they cannot speak, cannot smell, or anything. Most of the Idina simply cry, groan in pain, unable to remember who or what even they are.

#long post for ts #the lord of gentle swords

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confessions-official · 1 month

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i feel like im so fundamentally different from everyone else. not in a "quirky omg not like other girls!!" way or whatever or in an edgy teenager way, not like there's anything wrong wiht that we all have our phases but. i've been called weird and strange and odd and every synonym of the words above a million times over my entire life and i've tried so hard to be like everyone else. i've tried time and time again and every single time i just come off as more weird or too much or too little or just too something. i just don't think i can anymore, i give up at this rate. but i've tried so many times. at this rate i just come off as intimidating and i think i'm done trying because it's better than coming off as awkward i guess. im kind of stuck in an infinite loop because i can only be around folks ive known for years to actually feel like i can exist without having to be somebody im not. i cant meet new people because im unapproachable, i hate being approached, and i cant approach people. i cant keep conversations going with folks i dont know or make small talk or greet them or whatever. im completely inapplicable to what most people consider a normal conversation. im generally just so outcast from everybody else and i can't figure out why. i try to observe people and i read article after article and try to look at their vocab and body language n whatnot but i just cant do it right. its like im missing one little piece of it and maybe that's it being natural but it's not like i can do that. i can't just "be myself" either, i've tried and it didn't work out for the better. i'm not a particularly bad person either, nobody's ever come to me to talk about anything of the sort like that and if i had hurt them in some way i apologized and quit doing x thing. i try literally so hard. i fight so desperately and yet all i get over and over nowadays is just "youre scary lol" or something of the sort. it's either that or the same old same old of being considered odd n whatnot. i dont know why but i cant fix it. it's not even my fault but its like im just somehow completely wrong or unacceptable or something. i think i give up on trying. i kind of expect im going to end up alone at some point if i lose like the one person im actually comfortable around but if the only way to get people to like me is to desperately attempt to be someone im not for the millionth time im not going to do that. this is frustrating and annoying and exhausting and i just cant deal with the constant repeats anymore. whats the point in trying to meet new people if they all act the same way about me and never tell me why i come across so out of place. this sucks. i dont know what im expected to do anymore

#confession

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rattotheimperialcheesegod · 4 months

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OOOOOO my rewrite/misteria stuff has been brimming in my head for DAYS!!! 💥💥💥

esp with what ive done with the ro'meaves and their importance to the divide of both worlds, and i'll say, its all proubly not totally original esp with esmund proubly and most likely being a ro'meave and stuff but,

I'd say, what if the ro'meave's were put so high up in royality and such, for lets say their first born...esmund being the first human to be graced with godly hood?

now i'll explain alittle, Irene herself was made from the entity of what is, and always will be magicks, but the other divine gods were brought to where they are now because of their actions and their backgrounds, being that at least every divine god is a certain race from this magical world, and well, esmund was the first and only human to be a god, Esmund the god of protection, was his godly given title and such.

Now, how does this affect anything with the biggest mark of history for both worlds?--

(or well at least in Ru'aun, the modern world has vague mentioning of the divide in very very old books, esp when it comes to it being a bigger thing over in Ru'aun...)

Well, its mainly because of how out of all the gods, esmund was the most favoritive to his own people, especially when it came to his family and his brothers, and besides him being a god, esmund wasn't the only ro'meave who was special, he was the oldest of two younger brothers and here is where his middle brother, Esterose Ro'meave comes in, he was next in line to be lord to his kingdom, O'Khasis, but because of Esmund being a god and being immortal, he was never going to become lord without there being good reason for Esmund to give up his place for the role, so Esterose took his time to start a group, the council of four, people who he knew wanted a different vision for o'khasis like him, so they planned to strike esmunds most easiest pin points, his heart, his pride, and his devotion to protecting his people.

But to do that, Esterose needed to plant the seeds, and with that leads to our next introduction to a certain someone, someone who was the most wronged, but still has the most hope for humanity out of all the divine gods as a whole, Shad, but here, here he was known as a different title, he was a competely different god entirely before he became who he was today, Shad...was the god of seasons, the wild and nature itself was of his role to influence and control, and those who sight him or even cross his path, are graced with a healthy life and or harvest, he was even once known to have brought a lost child back their village, unharmed and competely healed of injury. But, out of no where, like a tidal wave or landslide, there has been sightings of him, and things said about him, that are truely not to believed, these lies that had been spread, from village all the way to kingdoms, were saying that Shad has no longer been seen as an omen of health and good harvest,

But now, was the omen of death and destruction

said that many have seen him at the scene of great recent deaths and pillages of towns, and even, was the reason of a recent lords death. And to those who were in O'Khasis? They believed every, single word, why? Because...

they're prophet...

they're second prince, and they're soon to be lord...

(To be continued in pt 2)

Esterose Ro'meave

Told them so...

#mystreet #minecraft diaries #mcd #mystreet x mcd merge rewrite #my rewrite #recreation #misteria #my remake #shad mcd #esmund mcd #shad the destroyer #esmund the protector #divine warriors #the divine warriors #early jury of nine??

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jlilycorbie · 6 months

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Didn't See Any of This Coming

Late at night on Thursday, October 19, I drove myself to the emergency room. I fully expected to be treated and released, and after I saw triage just barely after midnight, it looked like exactly what would happen.

Instead, my entire life changed.

I went in for an abscess in an embarrassing location, which shouldn't have stopped me from seeking treatment earlier, but absolutely did. I figured they'd open and drain it, put me on some IV antibiotics, then send me on my way with a prescription for oral antibiotics. And for a while, that looked like exactly what would happen.

At least, until someone came into the room to ask me, "Are you diabetic?"

"Not as far as I know," I said.

"Did you know your blood sugar is 330?"

I've known for a long time things weren't great with my health, but I didn't see that one coming. Honestly, I was hoping whatever was wrong would kill me, preferably painlessly and in my sleep, within the next five to ten years.

That was already my first trip to the ER as an adult. What followed were a lot more firsts.

First IV.

First person who has seen my butt as an adult (a number that unfortunately kept climbing).

First CT scan.

First minor surgery (lidocaine is weak, I felt almost all of it).

First admission to a hospital.

First time taking insulin.

First major surgery under general anesthesia.

First time receiving fentanyl (or any opioid). After all the hype on the news, I thought that should be good, and instead it did absolutely nothing. Found out afterward that my dad and grandfather both got morphine a few times after surgery or in the ER for injuries and it did nothing for either of them. Just my luck to come up with chronic pain and a resistance to opioids.

I've suspected for a while that I have an autoimmune disorder, though I don't know which one. And a collagen disorder, probably EDS, but not sure which one. I've heard all the nightmare stories about fighting for diagnosis, so it was a little unsettling to mention autoimmune disorders and have every single medical professional say, "Yeah, that sounds right." Or to do my stupid human tricks (bending fingers and moving my trachea only, I never got far) and have people immediately go, "Yup, that's a collagen disorder."

Also, surprise! I have a heart murmur.

Shout out to my liver and kidneys, apparently the only organs in my body quietly doing their jobs without any drama.

The following days were frustrating. Everyone was eager to explain what diabetes is to me, but not what I needed to do. People kept mentioning that I had a sliding scale for my insulin, but no one would tell me what that meant. A diabetes educator would be coming to my room to explain it to me, so they didn't need to tell me anything.

After surgery, I never saw the surgeon again. No followup of any kind. Also absolutely no pain management. Before surgery, someone would occasionally offer me Tylenol. Afterward, I didn't even get that. It's apparently acceptable to leave a patient in so much pain she doesn't sleep for more than 36 hours, and after the 24 hour mark, you can offer melatonin.

Honestly, I don't think Tylenol would have helped, but a few throat lozenges would have made a huge difference in my world.

No one ever really explained or showed me how to care for the open wound left after surgery. The wound is located somewhere that is very difficult for me to see or reach, especially both at once. One person told me, "Just take a corner of gauze and poke, poke, poke it into the hole, but not too far, because you don't want to make the wound worse." When a nurse pointed out the difficulty of seeing the location, wound care sent a hand mirror smaller than my palm.

The doctor gave discharge orders, but the nurse at the time didn't want to let me go because the diabetes educator still hadn't come. I didn't know exactly when to take my blood sugar or insulin or how much to take. Because no one would tell me. So the nurse talked me into staying an extra night.

The doctor and several nurses also said someone with the hospital's social services would come talk to me about handling the bill and about getting a primary care physician because after 12 years without one, I can't keep not going to a doctor.

Neither the diabetes educator nor anyone from social services ever came to my room. I finally got a frustrated nurse to explain the sliding scale for insulin to me and when I should take my blood sugar and when I should take insulin. The next nurse diligently avoided me at all times until she announced I was getting discharged, better get ready. I stayed an extra night for literally no reason, for help that never came.

A pharmacist called me to tell me the doctor had ordered a glucometer and some other supplies for me, but my insurance had a really high copay on them, and she wanted me to know that I could buy them way cheaper on my own if I'd like to do that. When she found out that no one had explained most things to me, she was outraged. She spent a long time on the phone with me, explaining everything that she could. Bless that woman. I've told everyone who would listen her name and that she was so helpful when I was desperate and alone.

I got discharged just like that. I didn't get any written aftercare instructions from my surgery. I still don't know if I'm caring appropriately for my wound. I have a followup scheduled for three weeks after my discharge. I have since reached out, and people will apologize, but no one will give me the information I need.

I left the hospital terrified and confused. I'm used to figuring things out on my own, but the repeated promises of help that never came almost broke me completely.

I got two different types of insulin in reusable pens. No one had shown me that type of pen or how to use them. I had to figure it out by myself after I was home.

After I got home, someone from social services did call me. I had an appointment for the next day with a diabetes educator...who heard about me for the very first time after I was discharged, when social services called him and he immediately arranged an appointment for me.

Also, no one ever told social services they needed to talk to me about anything. They arranged an appointment with a primary care physician. It was written in my discharge paperwork, but no one told me.

The diabetes educator was actually pretty helpful. Turns out I'd gotten about half the information I needed about when and how to take my insulin. Since he gave me a different sliding scale and more instructions, I've actually kept my blood sugar consistently under 150, and mostly between 110 and 135.

I did tell him that the last time I saw a doctor, he dismissed all of my concerns to pressure me to join his high intensity weight loss program. At the time, I weighed around 300 lbs. I figured before I could get real help, I needed to wait until I was old enough, thin enough, or sick enough for people to take me seriously, and in the 12 years since then, I've done my best to take care of myself. When I arrived in the ER, I weighed 208 lbs. I was the sickest and most miserable I've ever been.

He told me he expects me to lose at least 20 lbs by the next time I see him.

#medical #medical horror #frustrating #cw weight loss talk #I would say I'm doing ok but I'm still frustrated and scared

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t0mcruize123 · 2 months

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Stuck with you

Last part🎀🫶

AGHHH THIS IS THE LAST PART OF STUCK WITH YOU I CANT BELIEVE I FINISHED IT ALREADY😭😭 I’ve loved writing this story the most it’s been my SLOWEST SLOW BURN but I’ve absolutely been ADDICTED to the plot and hot mini tropes🤭 ofc this entire story was written for the beautiful beautiful one and only @mqverick so yes, this is for HER AND HER ONLY🫵👹 IVE SAID IT BEFORE AND ILL SAY IT AGAIN HAPPY BIRTHDAY LUV UR THE BEST AND DESERVE EVERY SINGLE TOM CRUISE SMUT FANFIC IN THE WORLD THIS ONE IS FOR U🫶💞

There was a knock at the door and I jumped to my feet, panic holding me rigid. After my argument with Charlie last night, I’d tried to find another hotel nearby but they’d all been too full or too far so I was still in the same one. I’d purchased another room on the other side of the building, but I knew he’d find me. Charlie could be persistent when he wanted to be.

“Hello?!” He banged his fist against the door, “I know you’re in there, let me in! I dont like how we left things yesterday, can we talk?!”

I sighed heavily and opened the door a few inches. Charlie’s palms were pressed flat against the doorframe and his eyes were red as though he hadn’t slept all night. Now I felt bad because he had a whole day of driving ahead but it was still deserved.

“You want to talk or yell?” His head snapped up at the sound of my voice.

“Talk,” he promised solemnly and pressed his lips into a thin line, “But I haven’t got long because Ray is on his own in the hotel room and I don’t trust him to be careful.”

I inhaled sharply and opened the hotel door. Charlie slowly brushed past me and my stomach fluttered at the small touch. I walked forward into the bedroom and he followed quietly behind me.

“I haven’t been sleeping all night, because I’ve been thinking about what you said…and you’re right. I mean you’re always right, but I never realised just how right until you weren’t there to remind me,” his hand rubbed the back of his neck nervously, “Ive been really shitty to you and Raymond and you’re such a good person, and I want to be the perfect person for you. You deserve someone better than me but…if you come with me to LA, I’ll spend the rest of my time trying to be that perfect person to you.”

I forgot how to breathe, “You’re ready for commitment?”

“The idea still terrifies me, I can’t lie- Ive got so much going on but you’re right. You’ve been so helpful and comfortable to be around, and I know we haven’t known each other for long but you’ve really impacted my life. That first night in the hotel, was the night I started to forget a life without you.”

He took a step forward and breath caught in my throat, “I wasn’t lying when I said I needed you. You keep me sane, you keep me anchored, and you remind me when I’m acting like a total dick and I love you for it. I love everything about you, your stubbornness, the way you smile when you think I’m not looking, the way you fit perfectly in my arms.”

His hand came up to hold the small of my back and I arched into his touch, “There’s only you. Even when I'm not with you, there's only you. Next time, just ask. You've never had a problem being bluntly honest with me. If we're going to do this, then we have to trust each other."

"And you want to do this?" I hold my breath.

He sighs, long and hard, then admits, "Yes." His hand slides up, and he caresses my cheek with his thumb. "I can't make you any promises, But I'm tired of fighting it."

"Yes." One word has never meant so much to me. Then I blink, remembering his previous comment about our first night together in that hotel, “You wanted me then?"

"I've wanted you from the first second I saw you,” he admits, “Even when you were screaming at me in the airport, the fierceness turned me on.”

I laughed quietly and he stroked my cheek with his thumb, “And if I was short with you yesterday... well, it's just a shit day and I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have spoken to you like that.”

"I understand,” I nodded, imagining I was in his situation. His head tilted ever so slightly towards mine and I gestured to the bed, “Now sit.”

"What?" His eyebrows rise.

"Sit," I order, staring him down.

To my absolute surprise, he does as I ask, sitting on the side of his bed.

His long legs stretch out in front of him, and he leans back slightly on the heels of his hands. "Now what?"

I move between his thighs and run my fingers through his hair. He closes his eyes and leans into my touch, and I swear, I feel my heart crack wide open. "Now I take care of you."

His eyes fly open and gods, are they beautiful. I've memorized every gold fleck in those green depths. Running my hands through his hair, I sink to my knees before him.

"You don’t-“

"I'm just taking off your boots." A smirk plays at my lips as I unlace one, then the other, taking them off.

His gaze locks on my skirt, heating every time the slit reveals a section of my thigh. "You've been wearing that all morning?"

"That's what you get for walking behind me," I tease, coming to stand between his thighs again.

"I can't really argue about the view from the back, either." He tilts his chin to look up at me.

"Be quiet and let me get this off you." I take off his jacket and his arms curled around my hips.

"I don't deserve you." he tugs me closer. "But I'm going to keep you all the same."

"Good." I lean in and brush my lips over his. "Because I think I'm in love with you." My heart beats erratically, and panic claws up my rib cage.

I shouldn't have said it.

His eyes flare wide and his arms tighten around me. "You think? Or you know?"

Be brave.

Even if he doesn't feel the same, at least I will have spoken my truth.

"I know. I'm so wildly in love with you that I can't imagine what my life would even look like without you in it. And I probably shouldn't have said that, but if we're doing this, then we're starting from a place of complete honesty."

He crushes his mouth to mine and pulls me fully into his lap so I'm straddling him. He kisses me so deep that I lose myself in it, in him. There are no words as he takes off my my shirt and unbuttons my skirt, all without breaking the kiss. "Stand," he says against my lips.

"Charlie.” My heart thunders.

"I fucking need you, Right now. And I don't need anyone, so I'm not quite sure how to handle this feeling, but I'm giving it my best. And if you don't want this today, that's fine, but I'm going to need you to walk out that door right now, because if you don't, I'm going to have you naked on your back in the next two minutes."

The intensity in his eyes and the vehemence of his words should frighten me, but they don't. Even if this man loses every ounce of his self-control, I know he'll never hurt me.

"Walk away or stay, but either way, I need you to stand up," he begs.

A smile curved at my lips, “I think two minutes might be overestimating your skills.”

He grins and lifts me from his lap.

My feet hit the floor. "I'm timing you."

"Is that_"

"One. Two." I hold up my fingers. "Three."

He's on his feet in a heartbeat, and then his mouth is on mine, and I stop counting. I'm too busy chasing the strokes of his tongue, feeling the ripple of his muscles beneath my fingertips, to give a shit where my clothes are going.

I feel air rush against my legs as my skirt hits the floor, leaving me in my underwear while I suck on his tongue.

He groans, Then his hands are in my hair, and he pulls back only long enough to rake his ravenous gaze down my body. "So fucking beautiful."

"I think that might have been a little longer than two-" I start, but he grabs the back of my thighs and lifts, sweeping my feet out from underneath me. My back hits the bed with a slight bounce, and honestly, I should have seen that move coming given that he's been putting me on my back for the better part of a year now.

"Still counting?" he asks, dropping to his knees beside the bed and pulling me up.

"Do you need me to keep score?" I tease as my ass hits the end of the bed.

"Feel free." He grins, and before I can get another word in, his mouth is between my thighs.

I suck in a sharp breath and throw my head back at the sheer pleasure of his tongue, licking and swirling around my clit. "Oh fuck."

He licks me from entrance to clit, finally flicking his tongue over that sensitive spot and I moan.

"Fuck, you taste good." He lifts my thighs up onto his shoulders and settles in like he has nowhere else to be tonight.

Then he absolutely devours me with tongue and teeth.

Pleasure, hot and insistent, spirals in my stomach and I'm lost in sensation, my hips rising and falling as I chase the high he drives me toward with every expert stab of his tongue.

My thighs tremble when he takes up a rhythm against my clit and drives two fingers inside me. They lock when he strokes his fingers in time with his tongue. Mindless, I'm simply mindless.

when he tips me over the edge of oblivion, it's his name I scream as that power whips outward with every wave of my climax.

"That's one," he says, kissing his way up my limp body. Moving his fingers out of me, he moves them to his lips and never once breaks eye contact. I suck in a deep breath as he licks his fingers clean, savouring my taste.

"Your mouth is..." I shake my head as his hands slide under me, moving us to the center of his bed. "There are no words for that."

"Delicious," he whispers, his lips skimming the plane of my stomach.

"You are absolutely delicious. I never should have waited this long to get my mouth on you."

I gasp when he sucks the peak of my breast into his mouth, his tongue lashing and stroking my nipple as he works the other between thumb and forefinger, setting a whole new fire within me built on the embers of the first.

By the time he gets to my neck, I'm a writhing flame beneath him, touching every part of him I can reach, stroking my hands down his arms, his back, his chest. Fuck, this man is incredible.

Our mouths meet in a deep kiss, and I can taste us both in it as I draw my knees upward, settling his hips right where they're meant to be- between my thighs.

he groans, and I can feel the head of him at my entrance. He shakes his head slowly and I smile.

"I don't get equal time to play?" I tease, arching my hips so he slides against me and making my own breath catch with the motion.

He nips my lower lip. "You can play all you want later if I can have you right now."

Yeah, that's a plan I can get with. "You already have me."

His gaze collides with mine as he hovers above me, bracing his weight to keep from crushing me. "You have everything I have to give."

That's enough...for now. I nod, arching my hips again.

Eyes locked with mine, he pushes into me with one long roll of his hips, consuming every inch and then taking another until he's i feel him everywhere.

The pressure, the stretch, the fit of him is beyond words.

"You feel so damn good." I roll my hips because I can't help myself.

"I could say the same thing about you." He smiles, using my own words from earlier against me. Hard, deep, and slow, he sets a rhythm that has me arching for every thrust as we come together again and again and again.

He drives us up the bed, and I throw my arms back, bracing against the headboard for leverage as I meet every plunge of his hips. God, each is better than the last. When I urge him to move faster, he gives me a wicked grin and takes me at the same mind-blowing, heart-jolting pace. "I want this to last. I need this to last."

"But I'm..." That fire in my core is coiled tight and so ready to burst free that I can almost taste how sweet it will be.

"I know." He drives forward again, and I whimper at how fucking good it feels. "Just stay with me." He adjusts the angle so he hits my clit with every thrust and presses my knee forward, taking me even deeper.

I'm not going to survive this. I'm going to die right here in this bed.

"Then I'm going to die with you," he promises, kissing me.

I'm so far gone, I didn't even realize I said the words out loud.

"More. I need more." Pleasure simmers beneath my skin and my legs lock.

"You're almost there. Fuck, you feel so damn good around me. I'm never going to get enough of this, enough of you.”

"I Love you." His eyes flare and his control snaps as he pounds into me, and that coiled pleasure explodes as he drives toward his own release, groaning into the side of my neck as the last waves of my orgasm leave me shuddering against him.

Long minutes pass before our breathing steadies, "You're all right?" he asks, brusting my hair back from my face.

"I'm great. You're great. That was-“

"Great?" he supplies.

"Exactly."

"I was going to use the word glorious but I think 'great covers it,”

His fingers tangle in my hair. "I fucking love your hair. If you ever want to bring me to my knees or win an argument, just let it down. I'll get the point." I grin as the breeze rustles through the brown strands.

My head turned to the side and I gasped at the broken desk to our left.

"What are we going to do?"

"Right now?" He strokes my hair back from my face again. "That was two, if we're still counting, and I say we clean up, move the desk out the way, and get you to three, maybe four if you're still awake."

My jaw drops. "After we broke the furniture?"

He smiles and shrugs. "I don’t care about the cost.”

I gaze down at his body, and the craving for him ignites again, "Yeah, let's go for three."

We're going for five, my hips in Charlie’s hands while I slowly ride him, and trail my fingers down the hard planes and muscles of his back. I'm not sure how either of us is still moving, and yet we can't seem to stop, can't get enough.

"It really is beautiful," I tell him, rising up only to sink back down again, taking him deep within me.

His dark eyes flare as his hands flex. "Oh yeah, you always wanted a man with a nice back, didn’t you?." He arches his hips, hitting me at a sublime angle.

"Mhm,” Fuck he's robbing me of every thought.

Someone pounds on the door.

"Go the fuck away!" Charlie yelled, reaching up my back and hooking onto my shoulder to pull me down into his next thrust.

I fall forward, muffling my moan in his neck.

"I really wish I could." There's enough regret in the voice that I believe it.

"Someone better be dead if I get out of this bed," Charlie retorts.

“It’s your brother, Raymond Babbitt?” The man called, “Nothing bad, we just found him wandering the hotel looking lost.”

Both Charlie and I startle, our gazes colliding in shock. I slide off him, and he covers me with his blanket before shoving his legs into his trousers and striding for the door.

"What the fuck are you talking about?" Charlie swung open the door to see the hotel manager and Raymond standing there awkwardly.

“Charlie, Charlie Babbitt,” Ray mumbled quietly.

Charlie clapped his shoulder softly and I couldn’t help but grin.

~3 days later~

Charlie stared down at me with a mischievous smile, “Dance with me.”

I scoffed, “You don’t dance.”

“For you I will,” he offered me his hand and I looked down at it hesitantly, “Come on. You can’t come all this way to a wedding and not dance.”

I rolled my eyes playfully and accepted his hand. Keeping his eyes on me, he led us to the dance floor as though he knew exactly where to go and I sighed.

“This is so embarrassing,” I wrapped my arms around his neck and glanced to my right. My sister, dressed in her brilliant white gown, winked at me and I scrunched my nose back at her.

“Love isn’t embarrassing,” he murmured lowly and wrapped his arm around my waist. Our free hands came up to clasp each other and I smiled at the sight. The music slowed to a more romantic tune and we began to sway from side to side, never once breaking eye contact. I was wearing a red dress that accentuated my hips and hugged at my curves. Charlie kept reminding me how beautiful I looked though in all honesty, I was most excited for when he took it off me tonight. We’d made it to LA and we’re currently moving from hotel to hotel whilst we came up with a solid plan.

I looked at all the dressed up people around us and realised one person was missing, “I’m sorry about Ray.”

He shook his head fiercely, “You don’t have to be. Ray’s better off back at his institution, it never would’ve worked if he lived with me.”

I nodded, “Yeah…you did deserve a bit of the money though.”

“Its all his, that money was never meant to be mine and besides,” he leant closer to press his lips against my forehead, “I already have everything I need.”

I grinned and claimed his lips with mine, my arms tightening around his neck and his hands pulling me closer. I couldn’t get enough of this man, Charlie Babbitt was going to be the death of me.

“What happens after this?” I pulled back for breath, “When we both go home?”

“Well we don’t live far from each other,” the corner of his lip lifted, “And I need a new employee at the company.”

“Oh really?” My brow raised jokingly, “I didn’t realise there was a job vacancy.”

“It actually opened up recently,” he pretended to look at his watch, “Two seconds ago to be precise.”

I chuckled quietly and he nodded, “Though seriously, there is a job for you at the company if you want it.”

“What would I be doing?”

“I’m sure we can find something,” he shrugged as we moved around the dance floor, “I’d be your boss…”

“Sounds like a forbidden Office romance,” my mouth curved into a smile as I kissed my way up his jaw, “I’m in.”

“You just like the idea of me bending you over the desk and fucking you senseless when we’re not supposed to, don’t you?” he murmured against my skin and my back arched slightly.

“You know….we could always take this conversation to the bathroom.”

He leant back, “At your sisters wedding?”

I shrugged, “She won’t care, and I need this right now….so I can go to the bathroom alone and think about you slamming me against the wall and sliding your-“

His head leaned back with a low groan and I continued, “…Or you can come with me and make these fantasies a reality.”

I grew hot under the intensity of his dark gaze, and he smirked, “You never even had to ask.”

Without wasting a moment of hesitation, Charlie grabbed my hand and we rushed back out to the private bathrooms. My skin was already hot at the idea of Charlie filling me, and my heart pounded loudly enough for the both of us. This day couldn’t get any better.

My back pressed against the cool bathroom wall and Charlie pinned my wrists above my head. Pulling my skirt to the side, he lined himself up at my entrance and wait…no, it could get better.

He rolled into me with one thick thrust and my head tipped back in blissful pleasure. Completely inside of me, I took a moment to adjust to his size before he pounded into me once more, my thighs already spilling with a pool of wetness.

Best

Day

Ever.

The end💋

#fanfic #tom cruise #smut #romance #enemies to lovers #rain man #charlie babbitt

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flower-zombie-rob · 2 years

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AHHHH HOW DID THIS HAPPEN

To behonest ive been holding off making this post for a hit because i was affraid they'd all be bots or id randomly drop in followers quickly as i made it because its so hard to beleive that its actually reached this point! Never like in my life did i espect this and in such a hectic stressful time for me its honestly made me so damn happy! Im so proud of what we've done and i say we because theres is no possible way id have gotten to this point without all the lovely, kind interactions, reblogs and likes from all of you fantastic people! Thanks so much to all of you for supporting me and enjoying my content and just making me feel like the luckiest person to have the kind of audience of followers that I have. You are always so amazing and it's really been incredible to see my progression credible to see my progression in art and in general Internet liberal Internet recognizability among some of you. I've gone from someone with 5 followers to a person who people genuinely recognise in the communities that I draw for and nothing in my life has made me feel more feel more excited and appreciative than you guys. I cannot thank you enough for how far you've gotten me and the fact that you've helped me reach this incredible milestone. I'm going to tag a few people now who have been particularly significant to me in my time on Tumblr and have really made this experience as good as it can possibly be through my interaction with them and the incredible inspiration they've offered me

@animallover4000 You have been there for me since very near the beginning and you've always offered me a great conversation and support when I needed. You're an amazing person and such a fantastic user to have known and I'm really thankful I met you on here.

@rainboom-23 Same as with the 1st tag you've been the 1st tag you've been here for a very long time for me. You are someone I am always glad to see and even though you're not online as much as you used to be I'm always thankful to have you around.

@leobashi You started out as someone that I couldn't imagine at all interracting with because you are such a talented artist and you have been such an inspiration to me and my art style ever since I started drawing here. I have you to thank to so much of my art style and so many of the amazing concepts you have come up with have been such an inspiration to me. Thank you so much for being a part of my journey here on Tumblr.

@tracobuttons Ever since you stumbled upon my blog it's been so amazing to see the way that you support me and other artists on this platform. You really do a service to so many of the underrated artists and I even have a lot to thank for you spreading my art to people. You are a saint among the jse community artists and your art is beautiful and wonderful and I hope that you know that.

I also want to thank my little ghost likers because don't think that I don't see don't think that I don't see how often you will support me from turning up so me from turning up so regularly in my notes

@dragonsavernero @glass-trash-bab @bondedostae @chaos-carnation @7spaceace7 @reblogs-are-the-love @celestialcompassion @bidiza55555 @itsonlyparker @mostlyghostly42 @monstermemories @silver-dragon-rider @floorgoblin @maxthelocalemeraldmayor @gemthespaceangel-blog @shawnthevampire

And of course I have to thank every single person that's followed me, looked at my posts, spread them or liked a single one of the things on my blog because I honestly could not be here without any of you contributing. I love you all so much and I don't know where I would be on this platform without your endless support and love. thank you so much.

💖❤💚💙💜🧡💛💕

#zombie draws #900 followers #follower milestone

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greysunshinexx · 2 years

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ok hear me out

when seetha is introduced, this guy from their village mentions that ram hasn't contacted them in the four years he's been gone. he didn't write back once.

(i relate to this deeply. im also a perfectionist and have way too much pride, and will disappear for weeks when working on a project, only to reappear with the results.)

but. he writes back after he arrests bim. on my first couple rewatches i thought it's because he's so close to his goal he can taste it, but that isn't the case for me? if im that close to finishing a project, i get more secretive, hunker down and finish it fully before showing other people. because, hey, ive gone this long without telling you what ive been up to, i don't even know how to start that conversation now. it's gonna be so awkward to reach out to you again, because ive been avoiding you kinda. it's much easier if i just show you the finished product.

so it got me thinking. he didn't write back for other milestones in his mission. he has 2 medals pinned to him at the beginning of the movie. he didn't write back about those. he didn't write back when he didn't get recognition for dispersing a 2000-person mob single-handedly. he didn't even write back when he got reminded of her when his friendship bracelet (😩) flew off, or even when he thought he was going to die in an hour.

he did write back when he had to arrest bim.

that single thing was somehow much more significant and frustrating that he had to reach out to seetha about it. someone he's known since childhood, and lived through trauma with. trust me, that would make anyone close; we can even presume that she's his closest friend. he can't talk to babai about it, he might judge him. what if he thought that he was a bad cop, having befriended the guy he was supposed to arrest? frolicking around with him for five whole months when his search for lacchu was going nowhere? he only has seetha to write to.

"i had to betray my closest friend. i don't know if what I'm doing is right. i wish you were with me." - excerpt from the letter.

he wrote to her about bim, despite his perfectionism, despite his pride standing in the way, despite having never written back for 4 years because arresting bim was just that deeply upsetting.

and he doesn't even apologize for not writing back all this time.

i don't even know if this hits anyone else like it hits me lol. the catalyst to him doing something that goes so against his comfort is...betraying bim. and like, he's so rattled by having to arrest bim that he is so vulnerable in his letter to seetha, mentioning that he is unsure of his Life's Goal, that, need i remind you, he's been working towards since tweenhood.

idk

#rrr #rambheem #rant #ram is my babygirl #if i ever write fanfiction im going to hurt him so bad

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feral-cockroach · 4 months

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MASSIVE TW FOR SELF HARM

ive been clean for almost a full year. maybe just over at this point, i dont know. but all (and i mean ALL) of my scars were fully healed and some were even fading into those little white lines that are barely visible on your skin.

and i relapsed tonight. ive been fighting it for weeks now but realistically i knew it was going to happen eventually. i feel so, so hopeless. nothing is working out and i cannot convince myself that things will improve. its a feat to just talk myself out of suicide every morning at this point.

im so fucking sick of everything. i mean honestly what is the point? im barely making rent, im going to lose my home in october of next year, ive got no car, no license, i can't afford groceries most of the time with absolutely no help from anyone around me. im scared. im tired and im alone.

i havent self harmed in a year or over and the worst of it was 3 years ago. except im getting back to that point i was at 3 years ago and i cant afford institutionalisation again. even if i could i dont want to go back. they held me for a week and then gave me a caretaker and then took away my caretaker when i turned 18 and then when i found myself a new therapist they completely cancelled my insurance with no warning and then denied me when i tried to reapply. ive been without insurance for a year in march.

im fucking terrified and i hate it here and i cannot do this shit much longer. i just cant. i dont know how much more fear and paranoia and justified upset one guy can fucking take !!!!

i just wish my father hadnt stalked and coerced my mom and i wish my moms mom wasnt such a pro life piece of shit and i wish my mom hadnt developed such an attachment to her abuser to convince herself that having a child was a good idea and i ESPECIALLY wish that my mom hadnt completely discarded me when we left my father and then immediately started dating new men every fucking week my whole life ive never known her to be single

and i love my mom !!!! but my mom does NOT love herself !!!!! and my mom HAS TO HAVE validation from men !!!!! and ive spent the past FOUR YEARS trying to have a relationship with her and she wants absolutely nothing to do with me and it SUCKS !!!!

it sucks so fuckinf much that EVERY SINFLE PERSON involved in bringing me into this SHITHOLE wants NOTHING TO DO WITH ME because i didnt end up how THEY WANTED ME because GOD FORBID I BE FUCKINF TRAUMATISED BY WHAT THEY ALL PUT ME THROUGH.

and im so , so angry. and scared. im so scared. im not sure when im going to kms but honestly, if i look to the future, thats all i see. thats all i have ever seen since i was 12 years old when i first self harmed. thats almost an entire decade of self harm. and i was convinced i wouldnt hit 16 or 18 or 21 and im about to hit 21 and every year it was "if i make it to [16/18/21] i wont make it to 30" and here i am at 21 and you know what

i wont. i dont think im going to make it to 30. by my own hand or my fathers or capitalisms i dojt fucking know but i will not live to see 30. i am certain

and it is the only thing i have ever been certain about my entire life.

#vent #tw vent #vent post #cw vent #self harm #tw self harm #self harm mention #cw self harm #cw self harm mention

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official-sovietunion · 1 year

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Yesterday was trans day of visibility. I want to write this post here bc it is the only account online where i feel comfortable doing so. I dont use this account anymore, but when i did, i was very vocal about being trans. I was vocal about being trans everywhere. I was, and still am, proud of my transness, and dedicated to fighting for myself and my trans siblings. I was also pre-medical transition, and despite feeling i looked very masculine, existing in the world meant outing myself every single day.

It is exhausting. It is exhausting to constantly be fighting and correcting and telling not only strangers but people ive known for years. I did not know there would ever be another option for me, so i accepted this and fought and made damn sure my voice as a trans person was heard. It is also exhausting to be homeless and stealth for safety reasons, knowing you have nowhere to run to, knowing that any sign of queerness could be the end of your life, knowing you must constantly hide and choose your words carefully to not gibe anything away.

Shortly before starting hormones, i experimented with being stealth in a particular online community that is known for its edginess and tendency to attract bigoted people (there is also a large amount of queer people in this community and we've managed to shift the userbase over the years to be more inclusive).

I made this decision because of the interactions i would have with some members that were sometimes s3xual, as well as interactions i had on dating apps. I had sent some nudes with a packer to cis men on grindr without really meaning to pass it off as my natal organs, but they assumed i was cis. That was the first time i realized i might be able to 'pass' in this capacity.

I knew that many of the cis people there, if they knew i had certain parts, would never fully think of me as a man. I just wanted people to imagine me with a penis regardless. Did being stealth in this community work? Not exactly. A lot of people made it clear they knew i was trans and would harass and ask me invasive questions, but i was adamant in never admitting my transness to them. We dont owe cis people anything.

Shortly after this i became homeless, following my 18th birthday. from that point on i have been 100% stealth until i find out someone else is trans too, i will tell them in private. At first i was getting misgendered still, but i would act confused like 'you thought i was a girl? How wacky and unusual for me! Haha!' This seemed to work pretty well and after a couple years on hormones i passed pretty much 100% of the time.

A lot of trans people read me as cis. This was comforting, briefly, since if even another trans person couldnt tell, a cis person definitely wouldnt be able to. But i hate it. I hate to think that any trans person has to wonder if they can be themselves around me, if they can trust me. Its interesting also to see the way cis people will talk to me about trans people, not realizing im "one of them"

I feel like i am betraying part of myself. I feel like i am betraying the whole trans community. I want to fight and be vocal again. I want to actually be open about my gender identity. I tell people i am a man because it makes things easier. Because it is safer. Because of all the people who just continued to call me a girl and said i had to pick a gender. I dont have to pick a gender. Gender isnt real to me. I will present the way i want to present.

As i get closer to bottom surgery, i feel much more confident that i will be able to be more vocal about transness. I dont know what i will tell people about my gender identity. I dont really want to have to have a gender identity at all. I have experienced far too much ego death to be connected to any concept of identity that goes any further than a preformance. I just dont want people to know my AGAB. i want them to see me as someone who has always had a penis, even if it was only in my mind for much of my life. What i really want is for people who have no business in my pants to stop thinking so hard about whats down there.

I want to balance being able to maintain my privacy while not feeling i hafta hide myself. I want to balance being able to feel safe with my activism. So many people dont have the priveldge to hide. I was one of those people once. I dont want to hide, its more important than ever that trans youth see people that look like them. This isnt something that will come easily, with everything happening politically. And aside from that, untill theres not a single transphobe left in the world, i dont think ill ever feel completely safe as an openly trans person on the street. But im working towards… something. Like everything, itll be a transition.

Im tired of my identity, my existence, being so intertwined and influenced by violence, biogtry, capitalism. If it werent for the way cis people treat us, if it werent for the way this society works that keeps us poor and refuses us housing, i wouldnt hafta worry about any of this. I would be loudly and joyously trans. I dont know if ill ever be able to get to that point, bc its not even really up to me. But if i am willing to speak up and fight, i can help make changes that will make it possible not just for me but for everyone.

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kestrel-of-herran · 2 years

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do you know why 2521's ending rubs me the wrong way? because it's what happening to me and my ex. even though ive known him for so long, i think we got to a point we can't be in each other's lives anymore. we haven't spoken for almost a year now. and it's more fitting for us than them. we were not nearly has supportive and understanding of them. he didn't simply accept me, he didn't even try to understand me. we didn't communicate well but we cared and we thought that would be enough, it wasn't. except they have all that and more. our foundation wasn't as strong and that's why we crumbled. he gave up easily at any inconvenience for him, and that's not who baekdo were at all. that's why it hurt me to see how strong their relationship was in every way, and see them quite literally not wanting to let go of each other to being forced to, and resigned... that's NOT them. that was my ex. we were toxic, they weren't. even though i've known him for a decade of my life, all the miscommunication and non support.. it was easy to see this was the path we were headed into. i was just hopeless and held on to any bit of love left, where they were overflowing with love, even years after. nothing about them tells me they would've just given up like that, nonetheless not have each other in their lives in ANY way. it's so ironically unrealistic for them, even though the writer intended it to be the 'nothing lasts' realistic approach. i will never not be annoyed about it.

thank you so much for sharing your experience, anon ❤️

it feels so validating to see you demonstrate how the two situations are incompatible, and how what you're experiencing is a realistic outcome while baekdo's ending isn't.

"i was just hopeless and held on to any bit of love left, where they were overflowing with love, even years after" -- this gets me so much, because here is a real-life example of how we act when we're in love -- we want to hold onto it, even when it might not be the best decision in the end. your behaviour at the moment you began to realize things were falling apart shows how baekdo's actions in ep.16 are unrealistic -- no one who's been in a relationship for as long as they have, not to mention feels as strongly for their partner as they do, would just let go without even trying to salvage the situation.

you're so right, they were forced to separate, and while that plotline fits within certain stories, especially in the fantasy genre, it's completely out of place and illogical here, in a contemporary and mundane situation where literally nothing prevents them from reaching each other. neither external factors like lack of technology nor internal factors like being too proud to apologize and confess apply here, and instead the characters are hurt senselessly and are barred from sharing their hearts when it's painfully obvious how much they want to.

everything you outlined here as a foundation of a strong and lasting relationship -- communication, support, love that withstands trials and distance and time -- baekdo have demonstrated it time and again. realism isn't universal, it's circumstantial. the story didn't give them their real ending, because their real ending is one that is consistent with every single action they've taken towards each other before the end. and every one of their actions has been a moment in a love that lasts.

#thank you for the ask!!!#and i hope everything works out in the best way for you #twenty five twenty one #lilly gets an ask

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silverandarsenic-hcs · 2 years

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Ghost BC x Mistresses, Cheating, and it’s Ending.

You read the first one. How exciting. How god awful. But all things must come to an end, delightful or disastrous.

Papa II: You probably ended it. You probably got bored of the sneaking around, and secrets, and only ever getting fucked without conversation or care. You probably want a real relationship now, a real life with someone else. You tell him it’s over, and you two can go back to being civil when you need to see each other, and that’s all there is to it. He says “I’ll probably be around if you need a fuck, and you always know where to find me. Now if you’ll excuse me I’m in the middle of work, please”. He’s not hurt because no one’s heart was ever going to break, but suddenly going home to that good woman of his is incredibly less appealing, and the guidelines of being a good man are a little blurred and a lot less strained. He tries a little less hard to do the right thing because the right thing became second nature and second for a reason, because his divine nature was living with reckless abandon of all ethical and moral codes, and he’s a little more alone without either of you in his corner. Your life is a little more boring without him and you realize the thrill of the lie, the thrill of knowing a man like that, was more of the excitement in your life than you thought all along. You might call him once a month, maybe longer between, maybe not for a few years, but he’s always around, and you always know where to find him, and that’s the only promise he’s ever kept in his life.

Papa III: He loved her. He loved her so much. She kept the fire inside him alive for a long time. But dear, you brought the fire in him back to life, which is a much harder task, full of much more love. And if you promise to never let him read the paper, and never let the love you have for each other cool down, he promises that if you give him exactly thirty days, he’ll be on your doorstep with a megaphone to declare you relationship and a shiny ring to ensure it lasts forever. The waiting is agony. By the twentieth day you haven’t heard, you’re convinced he isn’t coming back, You’re convinced he could leave, couldn’t get away, and you would never be getting him back. By the twenty-ninth day, you’re in tears every second trying to find a way to grieve a loss so great, the loss of the one man you truly loved, one man you were willing to risk everything for, put everything on hold for. On the thirtieth day, he is outside your window with that megaphone and a lump in his pocket. You hear from three stories down, “Caramia, I love you so entirely, so completely, it is madness without you. Won’t you come to me and end this torment?” You run down the stairs so fast you trip down the last few and nearly break your ankle. When you throw open the door he’s on one knee, and the diamond on that ring is bigger than hers was, and he’s never looked so happy in all your months together. Be mine, he whispers. Be mine forever and I promise to never let you read the back of the cereal box, or read books in bed. Marry me, my love. You take the ring, and it fits perfectly just as you two do together. It’s three years before you’re the new her, and he’s coming up with new nicknames for the new you.

Papa IV: It’s not fun anymore, you say every single day to him like it matters anymore. He still says it was never meant to be fun. When you’ve convinced yourself with childish lies for so long that all the stomach-ache laughter and the sex and the look of what you wanted to call love in his eyes when he was crying, that it was worth how dehydrated you’ve been for all the months you’ve known each other, and it was worth all the drinking, and it was worth all those prescriptions. It wasn’t. It never was and it never would be. When you’ve convinced yourself that you’d rather die than be without him because that’s the only thing that can tear the terrible two of you apart. He’s terrible, and bad, and awful, but he made you all those things too. All those times you cry on the exhausted shoulder of your friends because you hate him so much and love him bad. All those times you got too drunk to see, because that’s all you do together, and your friends had to stay up all night by your side to make sure you don’t choke on your own vomit in your sleep. It was worth it to be loved by him. Then he gets bad, he gets worse, and worse, and worse, and worse. And with a few phone calls to the wrong people, wrong in his eyes only, all the sudden you’re on the phone with Her to make sure he’s okay before you never speak again. She thanks you for calling those wrong people and all you want to say is don’t thank me, please don’t thank me, I did this to him and he did this to me and we’ve been fucking the whole time he’s been trying to convince you he still loves you. But you don’t. And you spend your days wandering like a ghost, a little more hollow than before and infinitely more lost, and you scream in your sleep and only sit on the floor in the shower. You grieve him like he’s dead and not just a phone call away, because you said only death could tear you apart and if you had to see him again or hear his voice the cycle would start again and one of you would be. He always said you would always stay friends if anything happened. You’re glad he’s immortally dead so you don’t have to.

- Rosie

#Can you tell im leaning a little hard into the copia ones #am i being too obvious #if i changed the name i could call all of these a memoir #I would post more and happier things if i was happier #ghost #ghost bc #the band ghost #papa ii #papa iii #papa iv #copia #popia #affair #mistres #rosie #tragic #cheating #cheating pt 2

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fearfylsymmetry · 2 years

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tagged by soph @nizynskis for my top 9 movies (im making it 10 btw because it looks better on a grid and also i love things too much ) anyways tysm soph always a pleasure i love doing these

so yes i think Beautiful Sunday is just the most amazing thing ever i spent monthsss looking for it and trying to find a decent download and goddd im forever happy i did. its the perfect movie about nothing in particular, it just captures that specific air of laziness that comes on Sundays where you're just content doing nothing. it means so much to me

i put Rebels of the Neon God up here over Vive L'Amour which i prefer , mostly because it was my introduction to Tsai Ming Liang. i found the movie slow at first but then Vive L'Amour cemented Tsai as one of my favorites. Besides, this movie is the start pf Hsiao Kang's entire legacy so really, you can't have Vive L'Amour without this. his films are slow of purpose and the rhythm of everything is initially hard to adjust to, but when you give it time, you'll find the most thoughtful and beautifully shot meditations on loneliness in modern living. in Tsai's movies, Taiwan looms over the characters. its a cage of skyscrapers you cant free yourself from with drugs or alcohol. the city eats everyone whole.

Parasite is just ahhh its why i love movies so much it really is. it made me a cinephile. it made me want to make movies and ive seen it the most out of any of these. i even saw it with my english teacher at the cinema. this movie is a defining part of my life it really is

A Brighter Summer's Day is just splendid. the purpose of art is never to be relatable but i couldn't help draw parallels to every part of my life. the constraints of Taiwan's development reminded me of my own state's troubled history. classrooms of boys hiding behind their shallow ideas of masculinity. Xiao Sir's lonely childhood spent lazing away in brief lapses of summer. i cant help but feel it so closely, youth taken away by a struggle for identity and stability both in the nation of Taiwan and in Xiao Sir's own life

and to Chungking Express i send all my love, my introduction into the dreamy haze of Wong Kar Wai. it remains my favorite in his filmography. fun thing was i got to watch it with Chick too. chick if ur reading this hiiii

Buddha Mountain is frenetic it is relentless, shifting from tragedy to joyous energy in a single cut. and Fan Bing Bing is gorgeous in it so that helps...like i can't go into detail here but i haven't known peace after that bloody kiss scene like i get lightheaded thinking about it . okay wait ill behave.

Mary is Happy, Mary Is Happy is a delight all the way through even in its rather sad final act. the listless joy of friendship , it offered me a a delightful glimpse into it

the rest of these films i can only encapsulate in moments, not because i like them less, but because these moments are just that mesmerizing.

Paris ,Texas has the Super 8 scene. it honestly stuck with me more than the scene in the booth.

The Lovers on the Bridge has THE scene on the bridge , ive showed it to u soph, oh god that scene is bottled joy i get goosebumps just thinking about it

(let me just sneak in the entire Silencio sequence in Mulholland Drivee. i just love it okay???)

and Long Days Journey into Night has the 53 MINUTE LONG TAKE OH MY GOD I LOVE THIS MOVIE SO MUCH WHEN YOU SEE IT UNFOLD aghhh. ... its a dream it really is,, a dream caught on film

okay im done sorry. tagging ummm anyone that wants to join let me not burden you. just say your thing and tell everyone i sent you.

(this is very long because i love saying things and i want to let out all this useless info to the general public. long live cinema and i know shes not on the list which is criminal but Viva Varda)

#long post #soft whispers under moonlight #at the pictures #yes again sorry this is very long im ibsane just ignore it #i had to justify the long wait with an essay #also i watched Paris texas and Mary is happy with [redacted] sgjjkhgjkj BUT WE DONT HAVE TO TALK ABOUT THAT

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repulsivechameleon · 2 years

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Im doomed and This is my final destination..

Some people are born to set examples while others grow to be made an example of and im becoming one and i dont wanna see how thats going to end for me, other than suicide. Either ways.

My life is so colorless and i can barely get out of my bed to pee

I dont drink water anymore

Or eat much

I haven’t had food in 4 days and im not even phased

Im so unbelievably ill

Its like my depression is so bad it literally paralyzed me, mentally numbed me that i dont even care about my eating disorder, or my manic episodes anymore, everything is meaningless now even my anxieties and nightmares.

I never catch up until the damage is done good.

Nothing ever matters to me.

Mostly because nothing is ever under my control

Ive always felt like an outsider everywhere i went, maybe its cos im fat maybe its cos im black maybe its because im dumb and ugly or just chemically unbalanced.

I have fought to be normal and to belong every single day of my life just to end up failing at every simple little task i dealt with, just like how i failed every single thing in my life, somehow ill always mange to end up being the weirdo and the target.

I don’t understand how people can stand to be in a room with me.

Im the worst friend, the worst person I’ve known all i do is self destruct

Ruin relationships

Make everyone feel so fucking awkward and uncomfortable

Lie lie lie lie

Im so fucking ugly inside and out I’ve tried to convince myself otherwise but ifs impossible to ignore the truth.

Badly wired like shit

Im so sorry for all of this and what i am

I hate myself so much

I cant even look in the mirror without breaking down i don’t recognize myself anymore

Not even photos

I shaved my head and its so grown and i missed all of it

I’ve missed on major life events, mine and my friends unfortunately i cant take that back

It eats me up alive because there is no excuse for disappearing from thr people i love without notice, there is no way i can bring the days back. The hopes and dreams that we had, the lives we thought we were going to lead once we grew older together, your life is going to be much more better than the dreams weve dreamt once upon a time my friend and knowing that makes me the happiest person alive. Im so sorry to any friend i hurt and i might hurt. Im sorry.

I feel like someone ought to understand why im doing what im doing

nobody deserves to be burden with my stupid meaningless issues.

I have no memories or attention spam anyways

I dont remember anything

Ive been erasing who i am

I just thought this was rock bottom yet i somehow still manage to dive deeper to the lowest point

And the drugs dont work anymore and when the music starts to sound more like background noise without any significance to the words, i know my time is near.

Mental illness, lack of religion, brainwashed im probably going to be called all that but for once in my life i want to not care, call me that so fucking what ill be dead anyways we’re all going to die. Isnt life meant to be a test? This is it.

For once in my life i want to have a say in anything, i want to make a decision on my own and i want that to be my first and last decision i make, just once please.

I do miss believing. When i had religion i had peace and sometimes i wish I listened to my parents and never questioned anything, it would’ve been so much better, different, drastically different than this, different waves of depression but with more stability, anything but this. I wanna believe in something again but it’s kinda too late for me because i can barely look at my reflection and believe what i see.

Im so sorry mama n baba, i would kill myself to give you a better life and a different prodigy wannabe daughter but i just keep taking from you im just a waste of money and resources and i cant bare the guilt anymore, I thought I could fix it but im in too deep. The truth is so disappointing and embarrassing i think i would rather do anything than to face you after you learning about who i am, i dont know what to say than im really so sorry from the bottom of my heart the entirety of my being im sorry snd I love you and i love you and im so fucking sorry that i am the way that i am. Thank you for always being attentive thank you for giving me unconditional love and for making me feel the safest ive known, i know its not easy being my parent, you’ve done amazing and youre doing amazing still. You were just kids who didn’t know anything yourself, i wish that you can somehow forgive me. I fear a lot of things in this world but knowing that my parents could disown me and hate me if they learn my truth, it cripples me. I love you so much mama i love you so much baba. I wish i could give you one last hug one last time but youre a thousand miles away.

To my sisters,

My 2 beautiful sisters, you know.

Im the luckiest person to have had my sisters with me in this life. What a ride, The definition of the word sisterhood. I would take a bullet for my sisters in a heartbeat. Im so sorry

About everything, i hope you can forgive me, i know it grows conflict in your religion, but know that i am going to be at peace now and you dont have to worry about your baby sister anymore. Im not your liability anymore. I hope you grow old to become everything you both ever wanted. I love you so unbelievably much. I love you so much and im sorry. Im going to miss you like crazy. Im going to hug you both again someday somehow.

I dont know when but soon ill be gone, i have a lot to say but i dont feel like leaving anything behind because i dont want to be remembered or cried upon, im selfish for thinking that no one would think to shed a tear for me I know its not true but I don’t want to think about it, once again im a lesson to be learned. Its going ti be better for everyone in the long run. I’ll be more beneficial when im gone<3

I remember i was 12 thinking about suicide, then 15 attempting suicide, promised myself that i would take my life by 18, now 22 surprise surprise im still here.

I’ve always been fascinated by death, I’ve always planned my death it became so normal i would daydream about dying before going to bed and I remember when i was younger during my religious phase, I thought that i could kill myself ages 12-15 so all my adulthood responsibilities and the sins that accompanies that gone avoided too.

I remember thinking it wont count id be tried as a child that god will understand why i killed myself and will somehow sympathize and send me to heaven as if “god” is the highest judge in some sort of fancy supreme court or something that id have to defend my soul for that. I was a fucking child but it was smart. I wish ive done it tho; shouldve listened to the voices huh.

Whatever, im just lonely and bored out of my mind, I feel so old worthless and unaccomplished like I became everything i didnt wanna be, and there’s no going back.

Waadeena, you know that i would give you the world x

#last days #goodbye #last words #its not that deep #grow up #living with bpd

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