#they literally were so fucking terrified the whole time bc nobody told them they can experiment

[prommytheus]

fun thing about figuring out youre trans is that for some people its gonna click straight away and theyre going to pick their name and pronouns off the bat and theyre gonna stay that way. and for most other people its going to take 4 years of nonstop trial and error until you finally find something that works even slightly

#and even then. brother its subject to change #soery im thinking a lot about middle school me this morning #they literally were so fucking terrified the whole time bc nobody told them they can experiment

[twelvedaysinaugust]

I listened to the podcast today that was recommended by that one anon the other day! It changed my whole perspective, completely. After hearing all the shit that was said in this episode (and in the others, there are 3 or 4 with this girl) I have no hopes at all they will ever come out individually let alone together. At least not as long as they are working. The girl in the podcast did break down everything she has experienced as someone who is and was completely unknown while in a queer closeted relationship with a famous singer. Nobody knew about them and only one of these two were a celebrity and they still were forced apart, they were literally dragged into a break up. They broke up even tho they didn’t want to. Their team kept them apart on purpose so much that they even made sure to change their phone numbers so they couldn’t keep in touch with each other anymore after the break up.

They experienced everything that we always assume about h and L situation and about closeting in general, it’s all real and it happens the way we think. Queer celebrities can’t come out in Hollywood and if so only under certain conditions set up by their team. That’s what happens to Harry. He can be out but only in a very vague undefined way. Queer artists can’t be specific about their sexuality, lyrics get changed by their team, they have to use gender neutral pronouns and only can change them on stage bc on stage they are more free, it’s harder to “confirm” or proof anything so that’s the place where they can express themselves more the way they want to even tho their team wont be happy about it, but they can get away with that.

They talked about Taylor and Diana and Kaylor for the most part, I’m not into these ships. But she confirmed that management teams make sure that they are not even in the same country officially when there’s rumors or suspicious fans, at least for like 6 months or more. She confirmed that queer artists do a lot of queer coding and signalling to let their fans know and they hope that fans will notice and talk about it, they want to be seen. If it happens regularly it’s not a coincidence, that’s what she said and repeated a few times. And it’s telling if stars have a large queer fanbase bc queer people kinda find and see each other. She told about her meeting with a very famous actress in her 60s who already has had their hight of their carrier, a literal icon that apparently is in a very obvious glass closet today but even she in her situation isn’t able to come out and probably never will. This woman was in closeted relationships herself and it didn’t work out bc of the circumstances.

There was so much more they talked about and I’m just so done. I know nothing of this is news to any of us but it was terrifying for me as someone who is queer to get this confirmed by someone from the other side who has experienced it all. She said it’s not so much about the people themselves, it’s about the industry and the environment they are in.

After listening to all that I just think it’s not surprising at all we haven’t seen Louis and Harry together for 7 years. Actually, that makes it even more real to me tbh. If it’s already so fucked up when there’s only one celebrity involved in a queer relationship, I don’t wanna imagine how it’s like for two super famous and popular stars to be with each other. Especially when there’s millions of fans who try everything to find out about them and keep track of every step they do. Honestly, I don’t know how they would make it work.

Typing all of this in was probably a bit unnecessary but maybe it’s helps to navigate the current situation without all these negative feelings towards Louis. I don’t know what life is like for neither him nor Harry but if they are queer and together it’s probably just as hard for them as for this girl in the Podcast. 🙁

Thanks for sharing, nonnie. Lots of interesting thoughts here.

In reference to this.

#sadly I have not listened to the podcast yet #just because life has been hectic #but I will asap

[caswellprmanager]

suspended

read it on ao3!

Summary: Ricky is afraid of heights. Nobody knows this.

Notes: This is purely a vent fic in response to 2x10 bc I have pent up feelings that I make Ricky feel instead. Richard Bowen bb I'm so sorry 😩 Anw don't read if you haven't watched the latest ep as there are major spoilers!

Warnings: Mentions of injuries

---

Ricky isn't the most open person – that part he's sure everybody is aware of – and he kind of likes it that way.

Every time Ricky has laid his heart out for anyone, pain follows not too long after. As much as people love to tell him that getting hurt is just a part of life, it does not mean he has to just let it get past him like it was nothing. He's a teenager. He has intense emotions and raging hormones. Shouldn't he be allowed to be upset?

No, apparently.

Because according to everyone else, he's not allowed to be upset that his parents split up. He's not allowed to be upset after breaking up with his girlfriend. He's not allowed to be upset at literally anything because the show must go on, right?

They don't say it out loud. They wouldn't dare. But Ricky feels it deep down that they just want him to get his act together before opening night. They don't know how to help him and he understands that but... it would be nice if they tried.

No one has really tried to get to know him on a deeper level. Sure, he can say that Big Red is his best friend and that Nini is the only other person who gets him but... there are parts of him that he hasn't told either of them. Not for lack of trying – he's tried several times to open up more after all. But being completely vulnerable is still entirely new territory for him.

And one of the things he's never told anyone – not even Big Red and Nini – is that he's terrified of heights.

There was one time when he was a kid, he liked to climb trees like a monkey. And as a kid, his curiosity on how high he could climb got the best of him. One thing led to another and then he found himself crying to his mom about a broken arm and a bruised hip.

Ever since then, he's been afraid of heights.

He tampered it down when Miss Jenn suggested that Troy be suspended in midair for Getcha Head in the Game. She was so excited for it and Ricky was still very much the new kid in the club – so he couldn't say anything. And Miss Jenn has been lovely to him, letting him go home when he wasn't emotionally or mentally at school or rehearsals.

So Ricky just let himself be strapped to the harness and sing his heart out — until he saw his mom with Todd in the audience.

Then, the harness seemed to suffocate him, squeezing at his ribcage despite it being not that tight. Suddenly, the ground beneath him seemed a million feet away and that if the rope broke he'd be fucking dead on impact. Suddenly, the air was thinner, his head was spinning, and he was trying to tell EJ with his eyes that he needs to get down or he's going to die.

There were other things to worry about during the show so he never really did get to bring that up afterwards. Eventually, Ricky forgot about the whole thing after blissfully being back with Nini officially.

Life was fantastic.

Then life suddenly... was not.

The second break-up was hard enough, even if he was the one to initiate it. Now, they're only one day close to doing tech rehearsals and they don't have anything cohesive. Miss Jenn looked like she was about to have an aneurysm, Carlos basically had one hand holding a clipboard and another hand on 911 speed dial, and everyone else visibly cringes every time Ricky speaks his lines.

So yeah. Not a very good time right now. Ricky wants to disappear completely.

And then... they had to suggest that they, once again, suspend him in midair during the transformation. This is essentially Ricky's worst fucking nightmare.

But he wasn't part of the viral intagram clapback against North High, wasn't even there for more than half of act two back in HSM, and everyone just isn't in the mood for any complaints Ricky might have... Even if it's about a fear that brings up one of the worst memories of his childhood. And Ricky desparately still wants to be considered as part of the team.

Yeah. No. It isn't a big deal. Not at all.

Just strap on the harness and wait for the nightmare to be over, right?

Wrong.

Everything seemed to happen in slow motion — the snapping of the rope, the screams from his castmates, the sound of hurried footsteps only seconds too late before Ricky lands on the floor with a sickening crunch. Big Red is the first one by his side, followed by EJ, both of whom instruct everyone to stand back and call some medical help. He vaguely hears Nini speak on the phone with someone but the sharp pain that is coming from somewhere on his body intensifies with each movement.

Ricky can't even see straight and the searing pain of what is most definitely a few broken bones is so intense that he can't help screaming when EJ tries to move him.

"FUCK!" He screams when EJ attempts to move his leg. Well that one is definitely broken... Is it supposed to bend like that? Both Big Red and EJ put their hands up, signaling to everyone else not to touch Ricky.

Ricky tries to move his arm and cries out again. It isn't as bed as his leg but it's at the very least sprained. Big Red reassures him that someone is on their way to bring him to the hospital but Ricky can barely focus on his voice.

The next time Ricky is conscious enough to comprehend what's happening around him, he hears arguing from the other side of... wherever he is. He sits up, blinking rapidly in order to adjust to the dim lighting, and realizes with dread that he's actually in the hospital.

"Ricky! You're awake!" Big Red's voice comes from his left and he sees the rest of the gang follow him at his declaration. Ricky's skin crawls ever so slightly at seeing all of their worries faces. He doesn't need pity or guilt right now.

God he just wants to be alone.

But does he really?

"You broke your leg and sprained your wrist in two places." Nini said to him – the first full sentence she's said to him directly since the break-up – and Ricky doesn't know what to do with that. There's a ringing in his ears and he can't get it to stop.

Then everyone else started talking, taking turns about how worried they were before the doctor told them the news. He could barely even make out their words as they sound muffled in his head. He wants to say he's okay. He wants to say that everything will be fine and that he'll be back onstage in no time.

But the reality is that none of this has ever been fine for him.

"I'm afraid of heights."

His voice was soft, restrained, and thick with tears he'd rather not shed in front of all these people. But even just the sound of his voice right now stopped the rest of them mid-sentence. They process this new information with mouths gaping and eyes widened in more white hot guilt.

"You never told me that." Nini says first, almost accusatoy and a little sad. Ricky scoffs and leans back to bury the side of his face in his pillow.

"You never asked." Ricky replied simply and the weight of his words fell on the rest of the group.

You never asked.

They never asked if he was okay with the harness.

They never asked if he was okay even with all that pressure as the lead.

They never asked if he was okay with any of it.

Maybe he can argue that he never spoke up but the damage has been done and all Ricky wants to do now is sleep for a long time.

"I'm afraid of heights." He says again, allowing a few tears to fall down his face at the admission, not even trying to see any of his friends' reactions. "Can you all leave me alone please?"

He doesn't start sobbing until the last person leaves the room.

Ricky isn't the most open person – that part he's sure everybody is aware of – and he kind of likes it that way. He's not always the first to reach out.

But it doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt just as much when no one does the same for him.

#ricky bowen #hsmtmts #hsmtmts spoilers #cloud's writing now #hsmtmts 2x10 #i just have a lot of feelings #i was supposed to make ricky pop off but i simply believe ricky is tired #he needs a long nap

[neverendingstories00]

you guessed it...another round (unfortunately) of BoB headcanons in the middle of the night because sleep is for the weak but I am weak

Luz has...a unique sense of style. We’re talking clashing patterns, neon crocs with jibbits, sunglasses and fedoras, you name it. Urban Outfitters who? He was wearing it before it was trendy🙄✋🏽 GET on his level. A wonderful example of his fashion sense is the time the company had weekend passes (modern au) and he decided to wear his best outfit; a white shirt with an horribly outdated meme, cargo shorts with a chain, nike socks, and neon crocs. To top it off; a fedora and sports sunglasses with a purple tint. Yeah, it’s BAD.

To add to the Luz and his horrible fashion sense, do any of you remember icarly and the penny tee’s saying stuff like “my cheese my rules” and “fries matter?” HE OWNS A WHOLE DAMN CLOSET OF THEM

I can see Speirs LOVING Lana Del Rey. He has a secret Spotify and has a whole playlist of his favourite songs by her. Actually not just Lana Del Rey, all the sad girls like Lorde and Mitski. If you catch Speirs singing in a velvet robe to Millon Dollar Man, no you didn’t. You would be dead by then.

Speaking of music tastes, let’s move onto Lewis Nixon. First of all, brace yourself. Lewis Nixon has reverted back into his college phase (like he ever grew out of it). He’s a huge fan of Alternative eighties rock like The Smiths, The Pyscadelic Furs, Talking Heads, The Cure, etc. He has all his old vinyls and it’s a cool collection. However, Nixon hates Morrisey, which is good. He complains about the Smiths, with The Queen Is Dead blasting in the back.

Speirs kidnapped Carwood Lipton one time. Carwood works as an English teacher and Speirs is his boyfriend who works as a real estate agent meets ex mafia hitman but he doesn’t talk about it. Speris one day was like “we’re going camping” and took Carwood...camping. But like the thing is...Carwood told NO ONE. And plus he had a job to teach so yeah. Let’s just say that Carwood might’ve been a missing person’s case for like two weeks. But he kept posting on his Facebook like “what a lovely hike with my lovely boyfriend😍” or “look at our rv? isn’t she something🥰” and George Luz would comment and be like “BLINK TWICE IF YOU NEED HELP WHERE RU”

Eugene wanted Babe to start eating healthier, so he took him to Trader Joe’s and made him buy a bunch of healthy snacks because in case you have forgotten, Babe is a literal baby. So Babe picks out a bunch of snacks but doesn’t realize it’s baby food, nor does Eugene. So Babe is casually munching on little yogurt bites and Guarno is like “Franny feeds that to our baby what the fuck” and Babe spits them out, mortified.

Floyd Talbert was apart of the dance team in middle. Like, he was the only guy on the team so it was insanely akwared. I can imagine him having a solo for “Womanizer” but getting kicked off the stage bc he started full on strip dancing in a glittery fedora in front of his prince pal. High school Floyd is an absolute nightmare.

Joe Liebgott eats Hershey Bars, Meat, and monster energy drinks only. No wonder he’s skinny. He’s such a picky eater, it’s horrible. Like he also loves weird food combos, like cheese and Oreos. Which is nasty.

Dick Winters LOVES Water Skiing. I’m not joking, it’s his favourite hobby. Catch your daddy Quaker in a pair of tight speedo shorts and Nixon’s aviators, gliding across the water.

HARRY!! How could I forget. I can see his man owning a bunch of cat’s and calling them “sweetie”, “honey”, “sugar”, and a bunch of cutesy names. All of the name’s were kitty’s idea. Speaking of Kitty, I can see her being a big girl, like height and weight. Harry worships her and calls her “my big beautiful Amazon” and Nixon thinks it’s weird BUT IT’S CUTE

Johnny Martin has a secret Twitter account that nobody is allowed to see. Instead of typing like a normal person, he smashes the keyboard. Nobody knows what he’s saying except for Bull. It’s very concerning.

For Halloween, the mortar trio have really strange costumes. One year, they were a rollercoaster. Other years they were the three musketeers, Alvin and the chipmunks, and the powderpuff girls. There costumes are genuinely terrifying to look at. Did I mention there the sexy versions as well? There worse costume was sexy rock, paper, and scissors. Mega yikes.

#band of brothers #speirton #winnix #carrie chats

[phoebehalliwell]

I've always wondered about paige meeting a witch/darklighter hybrid? Because she is big on nurture vs nature but how would she react to someone who half of their existence is deadly to half of her? But at the same time they are both half witch?

okay but like!!!!! literally Literally we meet a fucking darklighter season 1 whose sole purpose was to knock somebody up like light magic has all these rules to follow but who’s setting the rules for dark magic? the source? the source doesn’t care oh no there are more evil babies in the world aaaa ?? it was the same thing with hecate it was the same thing with the manticore hell it was probably the same thing with cole. evil loves having lil half-mortal babies it stands to reason that the idea of an extra power boost from having a kid with say a witch (or hell even a warlock or any other mix up of the two) would only be a plus. it stands to reason that the girls should have run into So Many splits like. Especially darklighters!! given that we were literally told there’s like darklighters who specifically exist to just knock other people up (which also. girl what. boo.) i mean honestly? honestly? i don’t even think we need a hybrid just straight up someone with a mortal mother and a darklighter father like that alec/daisy situation who was raised by his mom for the majority of his life until his father found him and took him (maybe killing mom who’s 2 say) and tried raising him as a darklighter. but it’s like. you know. he was raised for the most part as a human kid and yes he had some powers teleportation and then like. instant kill. but like. those aren’t well no teleportation is but instant kill is not a fun power especially if you’re just supposed to be a normal dude!

and then i’ve talked about this before (this is where i would link the post If I Could Find It i searched for. 30-40 min. i do not know where it is. aaaaaaaaa.) i don't think darklighters are born with any innate imperative to kill whitelighters or anything, the same with demon warlocks etc. i think it's all a cultural thing like killing the most witches makes you like. idk you know popular celebrity within ur faction. like uhh u drive a whole bunch of whitelighters to suicide ur fuckin steph curry of ur darklighter clan the man can't miss. So. if we have a guy let's name the guy let's pick a name that means darkness. kieran!! okay so lil kieran was raised by mom and knows very little of his powers, and you know mom knows even less she doesn't even know his father's name. But!! mom is a future whitelighter, she's just a bit wayward at the moment, so her whitelighter cloaked her so that she can raise her son in peace n safety. but oh no!! mom's dead. and the cloaking on kieran was only an extension of mom's cloaking so now he's out in the open n here comes dad. and you know we'll say kieran's a bit of a fucked up kid nobody's perfect so like. he's never really quite fit in anywhere and he's always been terrified of his powers but when his dad offers him a people like him who understand him who can better hone his powers (we'll say he's in highschool) he's like this is lit!! and i get a crossbow! and he's always kinda taught that whitelighters are the enemy they're these abominations souls reanimated by the elders as weapons, stacked w powers, they can never move on, and they just have to behave as pawns to the elders whims. bc like. this kid was raised human he really doesn't get hunting whitelighters for like sport so his dad tries to keep him a little bit sheltered from the true nature of it all thinking that once the kid is older, once he gets the taste in his mouth he'll come around. so kieran spends ages 17 to like 23-25 underground in the underworld learning about darklighters learning about the lineage he's from but there's like. like he's a smart kid. and he knows there's something they're not telling him. so when he hears talk of two of his peers going on a hunt, he kinda tails them just to see what's what, only to see them maim a witch to kill their whitelighter, and who should their whitelighter be if not kieran's dead mom. and they leave both the witch and the whitelighter for dead bc like. kieran's mom can't heal with the poison in her veins it’s a slow working poison so they'll both be cold as the grave in 24hrs. and kieran like runs up to his mom like a) you're alive?!? b) you're a whitelighter?!!?!! and c) you know like what the fuck. because that's his Mom. she couldn't have like. told him. left him a sign. and you know like heart to heart blah blah blah and the witch is over here kinda saying like hi?? darklighter? what the fuck? and kieran's like aaaa because he can't help all he can do is like kill and the witch is like doesn't matter bring me a map and a crystal and using kieran's mom's blood scrys for the nearest whitelighter like u should be able to sense them go bring them to us and maybe i won't vanquish you, a threat kieran has literally never received, and quite frankly the terminology makes him a little bit uncomfortable.

and you know where else should the crystal land if not south bay social services, and you know kieran really doesn't know what he's looking for he's never hunted whitelighter so he was never taught to sense them but evidently it's in his power so he gives it a shot but like no. what's he even looking for? he has no idea. so instead he just runs up to this raven haired woman about his age like fuck it do you have a phone. and paige is like ??? who do you need to call who are you here for what are you here for do i need to grab you any forms and kieran's like fuck it if you go to this address you'll find to people in mortal danger. they need help. and then like. bolts. and paige is like what the fuck!!

and you know blah blah blah they manage to save the witch but they can't save the mom bc they don't know what poisoned her and it kinda makes the papers Because It's Fuckin Weird especially because the mom already died?? this woman literally must have faked her own death five years ago only to die from an unknown poison in a san francisco apartment. and then you know blah blah blah within a month or two it's revealed paige is a charmed one! a witchlighter! and then comes the reveal of darklighters and their poisoned arrows and paige is like wait. i've seen this before. and describes you know the scene with the witch and the woman and leo's like. i should name the mom. soleil. leo's like that was soleil she was a whitelighter, and piper's like wait why were you there, and paige is like i don't know there was this guy who told me to go to that address to save them and then like ran away, and piper and phoebe are like that's fuckin weird. and he approached u specifically? and paige is like yeah he pushed his way across the office to get to my cubicle. and piper phoebe are looking at leo like what does this mean what does this mean, and leo's like idk. and meanwhile kieran's trying to break from the darklighter clan but he knows he can't get out unless he's cloaked. so he goes back to try to find the witch he saved to ask her to cloak him but she says she doesn't have that power and he's like okay well who does and she's like only a whitelighter does and he's like okay could u find me one and she's like r u fucking joking. you want me to get a whitelighter here just so u can kill? and kieran's like what no i'm not i want out that's why i'm here i don’t wanna be a darklighter anymore, and the witch is like that's not a choice you have it's in your blood now the only reason i'm letting you live rn is because evidently you’re soleil’s kid she was a good woman i trusted her but i don't know you. and i don't trust you. and if you orb in here again i swear to god i will vanquish you. just so we can get you know a solid dose of light magic not trusting kieran, not based on his actions (hell even in spite of his actions) but purely based on his lineage.

so blah blah blah kieran start spending more and more time above ground and just trying to subtly distance himself from the clan which his father can sense and quite frankly like yes is concerned but is more just like. pissy because he's making him look bad, especially the fact he's gone this long without a kill it's making him look weak. so his dad's like fuck it we're going hunting together and now it's like. obviously non optional. you're gonna kill a whitelighter or you'll you know get the boot lose the only people who could possibly understand you so you know it's kieran and dad above ground and he's teaching him to sense for whitelighters teaching him what the skill is and kieran's actually picking it up quite well and honestly. honestly? he might make this kill. he can't survive alone. he doesn't even know who he is. and his powers are calling him loud and clear to a whitelighter. meanwhile paige is out on a mission with like piper and leo and immediately drops everything breaks from the pack starts running because there's that guy!! and kieran realizes that the call is coming from the raven haired girl. and that his dad is right behind her lining up the shot.

and so you know act now think later he grabs paige and they disappear into a cloud of black orbs and reemerge right behind his father and kieran calls his crossbow and shoots his father. in the shoulder. it's intentional. kieran has great aim. and he won't kill. and his dad's fuckin pissed and honestly about ready to kill the both of them when piper rounds the corner and blasts him to bits. and well. now kieran's definitely left with no family. so he says a quick apology to paige and orbs out. and piper and leo are like that one was a darklighter too!! and paige is like no no u don't get it. he just saved me. and they're like He What? why'd you follow him into this alley in the first place? and paige is like that's the guy! the guy the soleil & witch guy who told me to save them. and leo's like a darklighter working to save a witch and whitelighter? that's not right. paige i trust you i don't think you're lying but i don't think you know the whole story. he's a darklighter. they're evil. and paige is like then why did he save me? why did he save the other witch? why’d he try to save the whitelighter? and piper's like for all we know he's the one who shot her you saw his crossbow. and paige is like no this isn't right there's something we don't know here. blah blah blah they go to the original saved witch who informs them that while kieran is a darklighter he's soleil's son and paige is like !!! i knew it! he's an innocent we're meant to save him. and piper and leo are like respectfully, paige, no, that's way too dangerous. bonus round if piper's pregnant here pre- orb shield knowledge. and leo's like paige he can't help it it's nature it's just who he is. he can't be good. and paige is like why. why not. and leo's like he's half darklighter. and paige is like yeah and i'm half whitelighter. and piper's like fuckin yeah babe that's The Point he's a danger to us. and paige is like no the point is if it's all so predetermined if there's no fighting what we're born as they why was i awful. why was i a brutal cruel evil miserable child? you don't know me and you don't know the things i've done (pushing back the paige dead parent reveal for later) and it doesn't matter that i have literally angel blood i was terrible! there was nothing in my nature that held me back from that vicious side. i chose to grow. i chose to become the woman i am today and every morning i wake up and chose that it's not some predestined halo around my head it's me waking up every day and choosing to fight for the good in this and you know what i think he's part of it.

#charmed #paige matthews #💌 #margaretsminiessays

[tscmu]

first dates with haikyuu boys :)

pt 1. - msby black jackals

genre; kinda fluff idk?? just kinda cute early relationship tings

warnings; secondhand embarassment, lil suggestive comments ( from atsumu who am i kidding )

characters; bokuto, atsumu, hinata + sakusa

all characters r timeskip and 18+ !!

koutarou bokuto

- bruh youd be terrified for this date like.. a guy youve hardly spoken to with a massive personality asking you to meet him at a tiny cafe.. ok

- hed love tiny cafes though like the ones nobody are in so its just you two.. AWH

- dates wouldnt be a massive thing to him so youd be dressed up casual formal with light makeup on and hed strut off the bus in his kit literally sweating, just left practice and youd be like 😳

- you wouldve met him at a club like a week back when you were both off your faces and youd wake up the next morning with no idea what happened the night before, just like 10 texts from someone with the contact name ‘BokJUt OWks MAn’ asking you on a date.. why wouldnt u say yeah??

- it would go rly well !!

- i think itd be a bit slow at first, like youre both describing your lives when.. it happens

- youre both just aimlessly chatting, both tuning in and out of conversation waiting for the food to come when.. you hear it. the thing that you did that you thought NOBODY else did. and he does it.

- “and one of my roommates tsumu always yells at me because i collect stamps-” “WAIT YOU COLLECT STAMPS?? ME TOO BRUH”

- youd both have a joint aneurysm literally

- after that youd be infatuated with eachother ITD BE SO CUTE

- youd get the bill both like a lil tipsy, heading further into the town to just go window shopping in the moonlight

- UWUWUWUWUWUWU pls

- then hed accidentally set off the jewellery shop alarm pointing at a pretty ring and poking the glass too hard-

- when your taxi came he’d be really sad.. then as you close the door hed just jump in and find his own way home HAHAHA

- 10/10 date would do again.. and you did

atsumu miya

- oh you would be EXCITED

- until you found out his suggestion.. one of his own fucking games

- you just cut it down to the fact that he was a personal volleyball player, he was probably busy, yk?? but no it was because he wanted to show off to you🙄🙄

- you met him on the street like he literally picked you up on the street.. only he yall only he 

- well of course you liked him have you seen him 

- you exchanged numbers and were texting for like a week ( where he just begged you to come to a game ) before finally you said ok

- because its a date you didnt wanna bring along someone else so you just kinda showed up on your own and followed the crowd.. before finding out you were on the WRONG SIDE OF THE COURT

- he teased you about this for years to come and you wanted to burst out crying every time

- after finally finding the right seat on the RIGHT SIDE, the players came out and.. lets say you were surprised

- you didnt know that much about volleyball beforehand but.. d a m n

- those uniforms were hot😳😳

- the game went well and they won ( to his extreme happiness ), and then you finally got to meet him again

- it was subtle at first, like while he was signing shirts hed look over his shoulder and wink or something lmao

- thats until hinata and bokuto got to the area you were at and went feral, killing tsumus whole vibe HAHA

- “OH SHIT THATS THE GIRL HE INVITED!!” “WAIT IS IT- OH HI Y/N!! HES BEEN TALKING ABOUT YOU FOR AGES HE EVEN JE-” “BRO FUCK OFF”

- to which you just laughed your head off about

- bro he gave you a kiss on the cheek when he walked over making all the fangirls go absolutely feral.. twitter talked abt it for AGES even after you revealed you were dating 2 months after it happened

- you had to wait around for HOURS whilst he talked to interviewers.. struggles of being famous🥶‼🔥

- but it was worth it ofc

- he took you out to this lil restaurant when he finally got away and even walked u home.. such a gentleman damn

- “so when can i see you again.. and maybe a bit more ;)” “sHUT UP-”

- lets just say u definitely did that again-

shoyo hinata

- oh my god hed be more nervous than you were

- hed overdress like.. not full suit but pretty damn close

- i feel like hed not be that focused on women?? the volleyball grind comes first yk

- but when he made eye contact w you across the meeting table.. jeez he went feral

- bro when he was asked a question he couldn’t function you were just like ??

- atsumu basically had to ask you out for him after it finished he was so nervous HAHA

- you called him cute when he pulled up and he genuinely turned into a tomato like.. ushijima would farm him if he saw him

- hed book you a table at this really fancy restaurant ( with a lil financial help from kenma ) and you were genuinely shocked lmao

- i feel like youd work with the jackals as like a promoter or sumn and hed just be shocked.. like he didnt know you even existed bruh??

- because of that hed be pretending hed had his eye on you for a while ( to which you just laughed knowing he was trying to be cool )

- hed tell you to order something expensive but you knew how much those guys got paid.. yeah no.

- but hed warm up MASSIVELY like by the end of it after a glass and a bit of wine youd both be like peas in a pod literally

- youd go for a lil walk around the city centre before u found a taxi.. HED BE SO SAD LIKE HE DIDNT WANT IT TO END??

- hed go in for the kiss i know he would 

- youd be like ??? but kiss him back bc why wouldnt u hes a baby

- best date you’d had in a couple years by far

kiyoomi sakusa

- you literally wouldnt realise it was a date until the end i stg this man

- hed deadass show up to ur door and be like ‘cmon’ and youd be like EXCUSE ME SIR-

- i feel like you wouldve known eachother for at LEAST a couple months

- and he wouldve just done NOTHING like you didnt even know he felt a romantic connection to you

- but trust me he did

- he just didnt know the words to say :(

- but this is what the lads told him to do LMAO

- before u knew what was happening you were in the backseat of a taxi and he was telling them a street in the middle of the city-

- “oh we’re going out to dinner” “wha- i didnt bring my purse tho-” “eh.” literally

- you were kinda surprised because you knew how much he hated crowds and dinner in the city seemed unlike him, more like something you would enjoy

- but thats exactly why he did it 

- youd pull up and do a double take when he was asking for a table.. WHO THE FUCK WAS SITTING AT THE BACK OF THE RESTAURANT

- however after being motioned to shut up by atsumu you acted like you saw nothing

- it was just like the other times youd hung out but he was a little more.. interested in you

- not like suggestive, he just genuinely was asking about like how your day was, etc IT WAS CUTE AS HELL

- it was at that point you realised oh shit, this might be a date-

- when it was over you suggested going into the city and looking in shops for a bit, but the restaurant filled with people was enough for him lmao

- you got a taxi back and were standing outside your apartment door when he did something hed never done before

- MANS HUGGED YOU

- it was then you realised.. did he actually like you??

- spoiler he did

- and things were different between you ever since IM UWUING PLS

#THIS IS MY FIRST FANFIC HELP #haikyuu #haikyū!! #haikyu #haikyuu!! #haikyuu fanfiction #haikyuu x y/n #haikyuu x reader #haikyu fanfiction #haikyuu fanfic #haikyuu fluff #msby #msby atsumu #msby hinata #msby sakusa #msby bokuto #x reader #fanfiction #hq #hq imagines

[beaversatemygrandma]

Okay. Okay. I’m talkative right now so I’ll tell about that one girl. You all saw that post about the trad-fem spiritual sex and sexual empath thing, right? Story is under the cut if you’re curious. ;) Be warned now, it’s quite something.

Let’s call this girl Debbie. (not a real name) Debbie was some girl i worked with back in the day at Panera. She was this scarily too nice person who’d interject herself in situations because she was an ‘empath’. She befriended most all of my friends there (people i LIVED WITH and knew from places other than work btw). She stuck close to me because she thought i was too. (I have been told by SO MANY people like her that i am. That i have some 6th sense or something and i’m just???) Anyways. I couldn’t escape her presence no matter what. NOW, Debbie was the type who would also do some Wiccan rituals and spiritual healing and such (which really is harmless, it was cool to see tbh. I was curious about it.) But tbh, it mostly involved doing a lot of psychedelics. She once invited me to go with her to this full moon ritual. I was like “okay, that’s cool. What is it?” and she proceeds to explain that it’s a ritual where we’d go to the beach, drink our menstrual blood, and give the rest to the ocean. I had to struggle to talk my way out of that one. I’m terrified of blood Let Alone Drinking Period Blood like a fucking Vampire.... 

Before i go on a whole tangent here. I think you can tell what type of person i was dealing with here. Now comes when she just up and figured out that i was hooking up with a fellow coworker. (Nobody told her, mind you. Idk how she found out. She just confronted us one day.) She went on a tangent to both of us on a couple occasions about we were exchanging emotional energies every time we hooked up and how sacred sex was supposed to be. She’d actively encourage us to actually date with intention of marrying or to just stop talking to each other. (We were, and still are, very close friends. Yeah, there’s some romantic feelings there NOW, but back then? It was Very Casual.) She’d pressure me about it constantly. She was a little less insistent on my partner bc, well, she saw them as a man and that’s a masculine energy thing. Like, they could get into as much casual sex as they wanted, and i had to be attentive to my sexual parts that somehow suck up a man’s emotions. She’d draw connections of both of our emotional states at the time (tbh, we’re very similar people and were both trans eggs at the time so... I still kinda am, but she’s actually on hrt now and im so proud of her.) Like my partner would have something awful happen and i’d have something awful happen in the same week and she’d be like “SEE? What’d i say?” And I just think “We’re both in poverty and have jackshit for luck. So. Ironic at most. Yeah.”

Then comes one day when i get home from work to my apartment and she’d there with her boyfriend at the time (which is odd bc she told me she was a lesbian, ik some bi girls say that and i get it, but she was literally the type that’d be like “Gross. Men.”) and they were hanging out with my roommate and his friend. They had just gotten back from the beach and while Debbie and my roommate’s friend went to go clean up in the bathroom, I’m left alone with the guys. My roommate pulls me aside from the other dude who I’ve never seen before in my life, and starts telling me what was going on with the day. He explained that Debbie had brought molly and vodka, specifically a mixture of the two, and didn’t tell him or his friend so everybody was rolling and drunk AND on acid bc she was doing some spiritual journey day for everybody. At that point, he was more inviting me in on it. So I was like, “fuck it, I’m bored and had a long day at work and I’m off tomorrow. Why not? Give me half a tab.” I take that and I’m still alone with these guys. Debbie’s bf was just quiet, not saying or doing much. And just kinda spooking me. The girls were in the bathroom for a concerningly long time. At one point, I had even heard Debbie call out of the bathroom inviting me in. And I’m just there like “I got home from work. I have to pee. I don’t want to be involved in this shared shower thanks.” I WAS THERE FOR AN HOUR AND A HALF. By the time they came back, i was regretting asking my roommate for half a tab and not just going out with my partner or something. I don’t remember much of what happened until Debbie ended up leaving with her bf. I was sitting on the couch when she did and she went on this whole rant about how i was acting like a whore and ruining my energies and just not staying a powerful feminine being (bc apparently she thought i was), and I was just silent bc I’m tripping. Idk what the fuck she’s going on about. And I’m really wanting to be with my partner instead of experiencing her. She then leaves shortly later, leaving a water bottle filled with the molly/vodka combination (which my roommate dumped. he was mad he unknowingly took molly. rightfully so.) and my roommate’s friend turned to me and flat-out said, “We had sex in there and she was trying to get you to join in.” And I’m just REELING over the fact that she had just called me a whore for having sex with a ‘man’ that i wasn’t dating/married to. And then she continues on telling us about what all she said in there. Like Debbie thought she needed a spiritual cleansing (molly/acid/orgasm) and wanted me in on it bc apparently i did too. (bc of contact with a penis or something? Idk tbh.) And that ended up being sex in the shower. Of my apartment. While i sat out in the living room with the guys in a very awkward and confused manner. 

Like. What the fuck happened there? I still don’t understand it. That day was odd and we had unknowingly become under the influence. I got lucky and missed out on the unwitting molly/vodka (which is a VERY Unhealthy combo btw. Look up your drug interactions kids. Play it safe if you’re going to do that. I don’t recommend that one personally. I didn’t try it, but my roommate was feeling shitty the next day and it wasn’t the hangover.) Her saying all that stuff affected me. I feel like she chose that time to say it bc she knew i was on acid and susceptible to change or advice (bc it disconnects and reconnects parts of your mind that don’t normally connect. It’s how psychedelics are actually used in treatment for ptsd and depression.) Cool stuff about acid tbh. BUT not when it’s being used to send me into a slut-shamed spiral bc I’m getting sexually transmitted depression from somebody with masculine parts. Like. Do other women not count or something? Didn’t you just reach an intimate emotional connection with my roommate’s friend in the bathroom a few minutes ago? Didn’t you two just get each other’s depression and mental illness according to this logic? Were you passing feminine energy over to her or something via vulva? I do not get it one bit.

Did my partner get my feminine energy and I took her masculine energy? Did we sexually trade genders? I mean. With this logic that’s not even far out. Seriously tho, both of our trans eggs hatched soon after we stopped hooking up around then. (idk if that’s the right way to use the egg saying but i stand by it)

Anyways, we’ve started again and as soon as she gets a chance to take a trip up to where i am, I’m off to get some she/they dick and siphon out the rest of that masculine energy for myself. She doesn’t want it and i do and she can have my feminine energy too.

Or, by that logic, with it being between two women now (....mmmm maybe not. calling myself a woman feels uncomfy but i want to make this point.) Would we just benefit each other’s energies by having sex with each other? Or bc there’s a penis involved, it would just be null and we’d just be stealing each other’s energies? I HAVE QUESTIONS. But i can’t ask her bc i want nothing to do with Debbie anymore. She scares me a little.

#ask to tag #drugs ment tw #tho if you've been following me long enough you probably know about me and the person she was trying to convince to stop hooking up #that one who i just cannot get over bc she's just fucking great #im sorry this is a chaotic story #if you want to hear about the bizarre life choices that were made in my apartment this is definitely one #btw this is nothing against those with those type of belief #i am curious about some of it. just in more of a scientific way #i dont want to do it but i do want to know why you would do it #esp when so many people who do that stuff are like ONE OF US #tbh if somebody could answer my questions in a respectful way and actually respect the fact that me and the partner are trans #i promise i'll be nice about it and not be as joking #these are genuine questions. like what it is that you believe exactly? #those little images dont explain much and i dont want to go to some sketchy transphobic side of the internet #my mom was that kind of person but not nearly as deeply into it but she was very close and very interested #esp when debbie came around. i wouldn't even be mad if they hung out. might actually be good for my mom #and told many times which kinds of stones i should use for healing spirits and how to find them #i was taught to feel those energies even tho most of the time im like 'fuckin sweet rock' or 'this rock has bad vibes' #so there's something i just dont get it #90% of the time its just me looking at pretty rocks #i did find that i usually like jaspers and amethyst when i don't like citrine as much?? tho i find citrine pretty so i have some #idk but i get it but i dont and i have some questions about the sex stuff #im not wanting to add it to my beliefs i just need to rationalize why the hell debbie did what she did #i want to put her actions under a microscope bc that was borderline traumatizing just knowing her #and my partner was close to her as well bc they had a spiritual connection according to debbie bc they were born on the same day #in the same year too #but im pretty sure that's gone away by now through covid and post-hrt #like debbie was one to post on facebook about how she was protected by spiritual means from covid and my partner prob dipped immediately #long post #taks speaks

[fekst-fucker]

May I request the proxies & EU with a dirt bike racer/performer s/o and they do a bunch of crazy stunts/races plz??? PS love your writing!!!🖤🖤🖤- sneaky

I hope this said EJ and not. Like. The entire European Union

Toby

- dangerous dangerous!!!

- DO NOT!! Let him see you attempting stunts! Because he will also try them!

- And while he can’t get hurt he can still be injured and potentially dIE

- he still begs you to teach him some cycling stunts, he’s actually very good at wearing helmets/ joint pads/ wrist guards/ anything else you might need for your stunts

- Honestly this man’s balance fucking sucks. It’s a wonder he manages to stand up straight at all

- Biking he’s pretty good at, since the momentum keeps him upright, the only problem is he doesn’t brake like a normal person he just straight up hits the wall

- You have intervened and told him Do Not Fucking Do That!! And have to remind him that it’s very dangerous not because it hurts, but because you could literally damage yourself

- That didn’t do anything except make him worry for you

- He’d love to come to your shows/see any productions you’re in/ just watch you practice though! He’s like your little pit stop worker, he always has food and water ready for you :)

Hoodie

- he thinks it’s incredible

- It’s like, just bordering on sexy for him

- He’s mostly stunned about how daring you are, he secretly wishes he could be so bold but he’s more of a sidelines guy

- He’s your video guy! If you ever need shots or video clips to send in for a potential client he’s willing to go to any length to get a cool shot

- He’s literally hung upside down from lamp posts to be able to get the perfect shot

- He loves to watch action movies with you and point out stunt actors or how they did their stunts, he wants you to recreate it and you have to remind him dude,,, I’m a stunt biker, this stuff is way different

- Nonetheless the guy really knows his stuff! After he started showing up to your shows or practice he got really into stunt acting, he comes along to practice with you now to point out where things might have gone wrong

- It’s only helpful like, 3% of the time, but when it’s helpful it’s really helpful

- Sometimes all it takes is an extra pair of eyes and Brian is so excited to help you practice something so theatric

Masky

- Tim almost had a heart attack when you mentioned it off hand

- Goes on the dad lecture of “are you fucking crazy! That’s dangerous! You could hurt yourself! Breaking a limb could cause permanent damage!”

- He’s scared of bikes bc he got into an accident with a biker as a teenage driver so just sympathize with him at first

- You have to ease him into it, just mention “oh I had a really good practice today, everything ran smoothly” or if you do get an injury be like “hey look at this lol”

- 9 times out of ten he’ll look at it and immediately say “psh I’ve had worse” so you can tell him “oh, then the fact that I got this while dirt biking shouldn’t be a big deal” and he’s stubborn af so he’ll grit his teeth and say “I suppose”

- You’ve asked him to watch you practice or come to shows over and over again and refuses every time, but he snuck into one without you knowing to watch

- He was absolutely star struck, you were so concentrated and made it seem effortless

- He begrudgingly admits that yes, it’s very cool, you’re very good, and yes I can see you don’t get injured very much

- Just take this man on a nice mountain biking date he’ll be a little baby at first but he does love it, it’s nice to feel a little thrill once in a while. Killing doesn’t do it for him anymore

Jack

- his reaction is essentially an enthusiastic thumbs up

- He’s studied the human body, he knows how resilient he is and he knows that nobody would be dirt biking or doing stunts if it were completely fatal

- It also explains why you’re always bruised and sore

- This being said he also understands the risks of stunting, he’s on stand-by with a medical kit anytime you need it

- He wants you to do all these exercises to keep your tendons and joints in good shape in case of trauma

- He wishes more than anything he could be out on a track with you in case anything went wrong, but he’s terrified of being out in public

- He came out once in a mask and big glasses but he got so anxious he was stiff as a board the whole night and couldn’t even leave his seat :,(

- He has total faith in your ability to maneuver and he knows you know what you’re doing. Having demon instincts has kinda made him forget that normal human instincts aren’t always as sharp as they should be

- Of course he worries a little bit, but for the most part it’s “that’s my baby!! Being a badass!!”

#let it be known!!! that even though this is a crp blog!!!! i will write hetalia for you uwu #also SNEAKY HELLO #i LOVE seeing anons on big blogs come over here 🥺🥺 #sneaky anon #ticci toby x reader #ticci toby #toby rogers #hoodie #brian thomas #hoodie x reader #masky #tim wright #masky x reader #eyeless jack #eyeless jack x reader #creepypasta x reader #creepypasta #proxies #proxies x reader #stuntman

[kae-karo]

Can you do an analysis on the last dan vs phil video?

hell yeah i can in the beginning…

nerds nerds nerds ‘in the beginning…..there was a tree…..’ cue phil’s lil laugh smh cowards release the footage of y’all recording this bit i would Die for it i wanna see y’all being cute-ass dorks together thanks

dan’s voice cracking tone when he’s trying to stop phil

‘n they didn’t tell anybody’ dumbasses u told three million people smh

the fucking dvp montage god this whole intro is just a testament to what dorks they are

‘emotional stability’ what the Fuck

we’re the only ones fighting for emotional stability here jfc

‘after,,,,,d- after da long ass time’ dan u spork

they pulled up the first clip of the dvp board i’m not sobbing ur sobbing

phil recognizing he’s doing the same intro voice i’m Soft

cute

dan forgetting what he was gonna say after his big ol dramatic ‘that is right everybody’ we stan a mess

“bitch there’s no space” did u mean

ahem anyway

phil ruining all dan’s dramatic storytelling gives me Life

how did i not know just dance 2 was one of their most popular vids???? it has 7.4m views??? (for anyone as curious as me, sims #1 has 8.2m and is the most popular, followed by just dance, then fnaf #1 with 7.2m then akinator of all things with 6.4m?)

phil liked yasuhati???? i stan immensely i loved yasuhati as y’all know

it’s a grand finale u spoons stop saying grand ‘final’ that just. sounds wrong lmao

dan spent an hour making that crown i’m crying he’s so cute as is phil’s reaction giggling at him 

they ran out of kitchen foil why did i need to know this

they literally fucking kept the present they crushed what’s wrong with them

‘look at what his ass did to this’ as if we don’t know what that ass do

dan keeping up the ‘i’ll ebay this’ joke i think someone’s catching the capita£ester

i love their adorable editing making each other disappear n phil chopping dan’s head off it’s endearing

cereal eating contest at least dan knows he’s lost (dan is the Actual psychic)

‘y’all fricken want us touching each other??? do you????? here ya fuckin go u animals enjoy’

me when dan makes bad innuendo puns

why does phil look so pleased with himself????

hi i know i say it every video but there is nothing more beautiful than phil looking at dan while he’s talking it just makes me weak????

he tongue

also important dan eye roll content

dnp each picking a game they think they can win and then they do win amazing

dan’s confused ‘should’ve put some in??? oh yeah i should’ve cheated’ immediately followed by his oh fuck yeah i probably should’ve

i would just like to point out that at this point we’re literally watching two dorks with their eyes shut psyching each other out for an entire thirty seconds

‘i’m getting so moist right now’ dan we already know ur kink is staring at phil okay we got it

phil looks like he knows he’s gonna win and i love him

why are they such dorks phil trying to make dan lose i’m being thrown violently back to pinof 4

also ofc dan has a strategy to win this of course he does of course i expect nothing less

i think dan,,,,,,broke the sound barrier there ;)

oi hi there lil rosy patch welcome back

caption this

‘it was the longest i’ve ever had my eyes open in my entire life’ dan is such a dramatic gay i love him like babe,,,,,,,u don’t have to hyperbolize everything okay

‘i don’t know why but i stared at u for like a minute’ ‘yeah’ 

dan screaming when phil touched the crown dan,,,,,,,do u have even one (1) ounce of chill

look i’ve never seen dan fixate so much on anything except phil

‘stop enjoying these rolling chairs so much’ hi daniel do u recall not a month ago when u wheeled ur bf around the flat bc i do recall u having a bit of fun there 

phil knowing he has noodly arms and dan immediately going ‘don’t u dare say that abt my husband’ is a mood

buster howell

dnp being terrified of snapping their arms in an arm wrestling contest is such a mood literally that’s like my reason for never ever wanting to arm wrestle

‘when i literally snap phil in half’ try not to look so pleased abt that dan

‘i’m not very good at fighting talk am i’ why did this immediately translate in my head to dirty talk katie u need to Stop with the phanfiction

oh my god they put the board down and my first concern was all the stickers were gonna get moved off or fall off or w.e

disappearing chins

sorry ik it’s been there but the cactus has fairy lights on it

nerds fighting over who moved who’s limbs

dan u can’t call phil out for leaning when ur leaning urself okay 

he looks exactly like he did in the dk vid

rosy patch, rosy patch, we love u lil rosy patch

hi phil’s lips look particularly pretty here

what’s wrong with them who gave them permission to be this cute n domestic

dan u can’t look that offended when u offered to play that game

(offended but fond is dan’s only mood toward phil)

doesn’t count what bloody doesn’t count daniel u dork

hi why are u so giggly looking at phil okay that’s not Legal

very dry eyes and an aching left arm, that’s how you know you’ve had a good time thanks dan thanks didn’t want that didn’t need it goodbye

the way he trails off into a laugh though that’s some good shit right there

“we said it at the same time” of course u did 

okay so pika @wlwphil​ said that dnp exist in a feedback loop of stupid bc they don’t talk to anyone but themselves i think this vid exemplifies that idea quite well tbh especially the rock paper scissors bit these nerds are so isolated in this lil loop that they massively psyche each other out over rock paper scissors i’m crying

“we know each other so well” hi yeah we know

i think it’s quite interesting that dan’s not interrupting phil like he usually would n talking over him? he’s letting phil talk? & waiting for a moment to interject?

dan puts in lil mind sneks does he phil does he really

dan having no plan which is his plan while phil’s got his first eight moves planned out 

dan’s lil shut up

okay okay okay hold up here i wanna talk abt this (hi anon who said i just like to talk abt everything u right son u right) these idiots are staring at each other n dan says ‘you should admit to them right now that i win most rock paper scissors’ and phil, whilst still staring at dan, says ‘he does’

phil. phil ur talking to ur audience. but ur staring at ur man. i’m just. this shook me. this truly genuinely shook me and idk i don’t even have a good explanation it’s just so,,,,,,,unlike them???? i guess??

phil nobody consented to this stop

i’m living for dan not realizing this

what,,,,,what

phil wins: face #1

face #2

break for the weird heartbeat in the background

phil trying to psyche dan out i love him

face #3:

if u notice we have a careful progression of dan going from slightly fond to more fond (but offended) to horrified but fond. phil goes from victorious to massively victorious to ‘i think the universe is about to explode from how victorious he is’

dan shouldn’t be allowed to sound so fond abt losing that’s illegal people can’t do that

the return of cannot believe

bow to me biatch

jiggly camera

i’ve invited ur mum ‘no u haven’t’ i find it super cute that literally every time there’s a ur mum joke directed at kath phil has to deny it?

dan’s sweatpants n slippers

dan pulling out the catti/bratty voices from undertale i love it

philip michael lester, with this…

oi don’t touch it!

now prance, king

dan’s cheeky lil grin

this guy

dan waiting patiently to be thanked

excuse me daniel and philip what did u cut out we went from y’all’s hands being down below shot and then they’re up next to ur face???? excuse me

hi we missed a lot that’s not allowed

cutes

sorry i love when dan does this with his lips it cute

phil has this incredible ability to deliver jokes with such seriousness i mean honestly it’s a genuine skill like???? when dan delivers jokes u Know it’s a joke but phil man,,,,,he could be completely serious if taken out of context

hi i just like that dnp called each other philip and daniel in this vid good content

yes phil all or nothings are valid

i’m here for them like indicating the other has to say some Significant thing at the end of the vids it’s real cute

#dnp #dan and phil #dapg #phan #danandphilgames #the final dvp #vid analysis #anon #ask #kt #moonshine gifs

[merlinthoughts]

Season 1 Episode 4 - The Poisoned Chalice

- god fucking dammit here we go again, i'm bloody done with my life and do not, at all, want to see merlin die bc i don't remember anything except that, yeah, he dies and someone has to get off their ass and save the motherfucking day and kiss him

- i realise how much i swear in these posts bc 1. when do i not? 2. i'm emotionally invested 3. i have no other excuse i just like swearing

- AAAND NIMUEHS IN CAMELOT SHE THINKS SHE'S SO SLY WITH HER HEAD THING

- id recognise her in a split second tbfh, she aint subtle

- *heterosexual tension*

- merlins skin be looking so smooth this episode, this boy be wearing lots of Dove

- he looked so excited to be in the banquet, then arthur just fucking slashes him with “not quite” and his hopes and dreams are destroyed

- “wanna see what you’ll be wearing tonight?” arthur says as he's behind the fucking changing curtains, about to get undressed and show merlin his birthday suit

- i honest to god thought that was where he was going, but no, he was just getting something from behind it

- “tonight you’ll be wearing the official ceremonial robes of the servants of camelot” IT'S A FUCKING DRESS ISN'T IT

- aw damn id have preferred a dress

- that smile shared between them was the most adorable scene

- god

- i

- fucking

- love

- their

- smiles 

- sm

- best thing ive ever seen

- i mean… hunty look at that piece of glistening butter beauty

- wow ok back to the episode:

- bros being bros and giving each other a handshake to destroy the mortal enemy pack and put together a family, we stan.

- as if a servant who has only had eye sex with another servant ONCE would trust them enough to say that one of the chalices were poisoned. like??? “ur the only one i could tell” LMAO NO?

- she's a sly fucking dog tfbh

- “if he kills arthur, uthers soul will be broken and camelot will fall” at this rate uther prob wouldn't care if his son dies or not, look at him, he's already mentally broken. he has anxiety and paranoia over magic. child services where u at in the medieval ages?

- i wouldn't believe a word she said, or well, id have believed it was poisoned but id say yeah no damn way you aren't in on it if you know which one it is. bayard wouldn't tell a fucking servant.

- HE'S GONNA SNAP ISN'T HE

- MERLIN FUCKING SNAPPED

- yknow what we say here folks? U DO U MERLIN

- okay i was fine if uther made bayard drink it but like the moment uther said “mmmh… no.” and slowly turned to merlin i think my arteries just crunched together and died so

- “if it is poisoned, he’ll die” HE'S FUCKING SCARED MERLIN WILL PASS AWAY ISN'T HE?

- “it's fine” he says, then starts to fucking choke

- ah fuck he's down

- my boy is down

- FUCK ME SIDEWAYS WITH A CHAINSAW

- ARTHUR CROUCHES NEXT TO HIM LIKE “BB NO”

- lmfao bayard looks so shocked, his face is in disbelief and confusion, he's like who tf done me bad

- arthurs carrying merlin fireman style this is what i live for folks

- did like nobody notice the flower stuck on the inside of the cup? like honestly if you take a sip you’d kinda spot it or perhaps even the person pouring the drinks would have been “is this chamomile tea? no? then what the fuckery-doo is this leaf in here for?” yknow. it's like that scene in Matilda when the angry buff lady completely missed a fucking salamander in her cup when it was the size of her bloody hand. it brings out the same mood honestly

- does gaius have an index for these books or does he just have every page memorised and know exactly what page to go bc I FUCKING NEED THAT it would make bio so much easier if i knew what page it was on instead of looking back and forth from the homework sheet to my textbook, then closing it by accident and having to find the index again for that specific page i need

- arthur wants to fucking go on a life-or-death journey to save merlin i've never been so happy

- this is honestly my favourite episode, like it may be really fucking angsty but i love it so much

- arthur betrays his dad and leaves his room even after being told not to just so he can save a servants life is literally my new moto

- NO IT WON'T LOAD MY NETFLIX IS STUCK ON 99%

- okay so while i'm waiting for my shit to load, i just discovered the new fucking tumblr rule starting dec 17 and i'm like 0.2 inches away from just spamming NSFW pics on here just for laughs

- like hunty, that won't stop people from posting elsewhere or for thinking about sex bc like??? whatchu gonna do tumblr?? get the fbi to erase it from our minds

- i think nOT thot

- watch me get flagged for just using the fucking term “NSFW”

- i'm gonna end up asterisking everything (is asterisking a word? wow it has red under it so like probably not but i just added it to my dictionary so uhh it is now)

- by asterisking i dont mean furry kin shit ew no

- i mean like N*FW, s*x, t*mblr, m*rthur

- god it took me like 20 minutes to calibrate my fucking wifi and fix the connection problem

- wow the stage for the poison increased by 75% in 30 mins, damn

- merlins like like having a conniption on his bed lmao, chanting arthurs name and sweating lot

- do we ever find out how uther gets that scar bc i'm like 100% positive arthur was a little child and swayed his fucking sword too hard just as uther rounded the corner. the sword then collided into his fucking brain and destroyed a good part of his intelligence, targeting especially his morals on how to accept people and how to be a good father

- that’s my theory

- merlin starts talking enchantments in his sleep while gwens watching, and gaius is just there like wtf merlin ur blowing ur cover “oh! gwen!! uhhh sorry. he’s just... in a latin study group in his pastime and has an oral presentation in minutes”

- omg, nimueh, stfu

- i didn't know dinosaurs existed back then, this reptile be whack

- y’know what's funny? ppl thinking dinosaurs didn’t exist. i find creationism very very very intriguing bc how fucking stupid could you be

- that sword throw was faker than my moms tits

- arthur could have done better

- k but like what if merlin’s hand wasn’t under the covers? like he was just throwing that blue ball around right in front of gwen

- can arthur like not hear her? nimuehs literally enchanting the rocks right behind his ear lobes and arthur acts nothing of it until those said rocks collapse and he gasps and suddenly he realises shes evil

- also his fucking hair in this scene looks glorious. perhaps bc it's pushed back rather than his bowl cut, but its doing things to my abdomen

- i thought for a second she was pulling off her mask to say “nimueh” and arthur was gasping bc he only recognised her after her hair was shown, just like in that scene with joker and harvey in the hospital

- OH RIGHT THE SPIDERS I LIKE COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT THOSE SONS OF A GUNS

- i’d be dead if those spiders came crawling up to eat me lmfao

- k so nimueh went from :) to >:D in half a second

- i'm smelling up those symbolisms, boys

- watch out pals cause here are some of them:

- merlin is the LIGHT of arthur’s life

- he LIGHTS up the party

- he gives arthur a BRIGHTER future

- he's the GUIDE for his path

- hahhahahaha

- i'm serious when i say i have a huge fear of insects (spiders count in that too, no discrimination) so i'm just putting that there, saying to yall id be fucking terrified

- gaius would be so confused, like we don't see his face here but merlins close-up sweaty concentrated frown, but he’s literally just screaming “ARTHUR!!” “FASTERRR!!” “YESS!!” “CLIMB!!!” gaius would be looking like he walked into something he wasn't supposed to. prob thinking he should just let the kid die so he doesn’t have to deal with this shit anymore

- UTHER LOCKED HIS SON AWAY I'M FUCKING QUESTIONING HIS PARENTING SKILLS

- that's grounding???? throwing ur child in prison???

- yes 999 can i have child services on his ass

- gwens so smart honestly i love her

- pretending to be a maiden for the food, god what a queen

- arthur buying it and saying “yuck you say this is food?! disgustang!”

- the fact that i misspelled disgusting but it autocorrected to disgustang (which is originally what i wanted but autocorrect shouldn’t have known) makes me consider if i should really check my dictionary…. who knows what words are on there

- they’re so smart

- and then this fucker ruins it all while eating his food, checking her out and saying yeah arthurs a prick, hyuck hyuck, realising only that wait fuck u aint the maiden

- how’d they know GWEN was the one not supposed to have delivered the food, what if it was that chick right there???

- welll….. maybe it's because gwen took her sweet time up those steps, staring as if she couldn’t blink at the guards below

- i forget what happens at the end of this episode besides the kiss, and there's like 9 minutes left my fingers may rot at this point

- wake him up! wake him up!

- OH WAIT HE DOESN'T FUCKING WAKE UP DOES HE AND EVERYONE PANICS

- YEAH OKAY I'M SEEING THAT NOW

- MERLIN STOPPED BREATHING

- LMAO GWEN IS IN TEARS

- “HE'S DEAD” SHE SAYS

- ARTHUR BB COME IN HERE TO KISS UR HUBBY ALIVE

- OH WAIT UR IN FUCKING PRISON

- WAIT UP, HE'S ALIVE AND SHE KISSES HIM AFTERWARDS????

- FUCK ME I THOUGHT FOR THE WHOLE EPISODE THE KISS HAPPENED BC HE COULDN'T WAKE UP THAT'S FUCKING WITH ME I DIDN'T KNOW

- i keep forgetting to switch up the cap locks, sorry if it seems im screaming im legit using my inside voice for most of the time just emphasizing my words a little more

- goddamn, everytime they say mercia i just think of “murica”, like those americans on the 7th of july or whatever date the “we love our country” day is, chanting it as they throw around beers and fireworks as people gather round in jerseys or crop tops

- it's not that hard to spot the european on here

- the most celebrated holiday here which contains a lot of beers and big pub gatherings (besides every fucking night honestly) is either new years, lowkey stereotypically correct saint patricks, and ig easter monday but that's more for the kiddos

- i mean ofc christmas and all that shit but im not the most devoted christian, i just like presents and small gatherings among good friends

- wow okay it wasn't the 7th of july

- i mean at first i looked up “USA day” (i couldn’t remember the name) and it popped up today’s date, and i was like no thats not it at all. dec?? its in like july i think. and i was close! it was july 4th.

- uther damn knows it's nimueh!!!

- i mean, he just overheard morgana and arthur talk about it, and initiated himself into a convo about it once morgana left, as his sneaky ass just slithered up like “hey man, u know that woman? yeah uhh, what she say? anything about me? no? k i know who it is tho”

- i thought he was going to apologize or like explain to arthur what's the sitch, but he just waits for five whole seconds before saying. “those who practice magic know only evil. they despise and seek to destroy goodness wherever they find it.”

- arthur, confused: sounds as if you know her

- uther, walking away: i do

- arthur:

- wow k lots of fucking quotes here cause it's the merthur reunion

- get ready babs

- arthur: still alive then?

- merlin: oh yes, just about… i understand i have you to thank for that

- arthur, leaning on the chair merlin is sitting in, stifling a smile: ah it's nothing, a half-decent servant is hard to come by. i was only dropping by to make sure you’re alright… i.... expect you to be back to work tomorrow

- merlin, watching arthur as he slightly walks away having embarrassed himself: arthur... thank you

- arthur, slowly: you too

- they stare for like 5 whole seconds

- arthur, uncomfortable: well… get some rest

- there we go folks: my eulogy.

- hope someone reads it at my funeral

#merlin #merlin bbc #merthur #s1 #s1ep4

[survivormetaverse]

Finale - "I. Love. Power." ~Jodi

I'm having a very emotional moment right now, let me just write about my feelings. I spent this entire game countering advantages. Because I wanted to put this game in my own hands. If I had not gotten rid of Dennis in that twist with no advantages, Dennis would've cruised through and when time came, decided to target me when he wanted to and he would have protection. Same with Colin for example, sure, maybe he wouldn't gun for me but he also could've just cruised from Final 7 to Final 4 with his 3 advantages and my fate in this game would've been in HIS hands. If he wanted to keep me he'd do it and if not then he wouldn't. I wanted my game in my own hands, and that's what I did. People kept thinking I was playing a backstabbing game for no reason, but in reality, I just wanted a fair shot at this game and creating my own fate. I don't think that's unfair. Having 9 advantages in the merge as somebody with nothing terrified me, as I suspected they'd all be concentrated in one place. I was not wrong. I rightfully targeted Dennis for having 2 huge advantages, then rightfully targeted Colin for receiving all of Dennis' stuff, then Elle for literally sitting on 2 (suspected) idols and a steal-a-vote. I do not know why I am being crucified for just wanting to have a fair playing field. Even sitting here at final 5, we still have one final idol to counter. When Josh approached me to flip on Colin, Elle, and Amy, I found a light in this game again. Somebody who had the same objectives as I did wanted to play this game with me. He didn't see me as a threat to win, which meant he would've taken me to the end. So many unlucky things happened to me in this game and I just know that people want me out of this game so bad but I just wanted to survive and have a real shot at this. That's all it really was. 

~

I think this is the biggest immunity I need to win. Because if I'm in F4, I think I can at least force fire making. But here today, I believe I need to win it not just to take immunity away from Amy or Elle, but that I think if Jared wins it, my game is literally dependent on a literal 50/50 guess of who the idol is going to be played on. Elle made it obvious that they want to target Jared from last night, so if Anastasia wins it, I might still be ok. I don't want Jared to win this. Straight up. He said he'll cut me at 4 anyways so I'm not going to play with my heart this round. I seriously want this immunity win so bad. You know, I'm sure the jury disagrees and despises me, but I truly think I played one of the most brilliant strategic games, at least for a newbie. I battled 9 advantages with NOTHING in my pocket since merge, with nothing but a social and strategic knack and love for the game of Survivor. At the merge, I got included into a 6-person majority alliance and a 3-person ride or die alliance. I knocked out a guy with 2 huge advantages at F11. I had control over every single pair at F10. I got knocked out at F9 with a CHAOS idol, despite the premise of Survivor being to NOT get votes. I fought back in at F8 as somebody who is incredibly bad at comps. I then voted out one of my #1 allies, the one that would NEVER cut me, even at 4, to create trust and move me further into the game. I created immunity for 3 people at F7 to keep my only 2 close allies left safe, by far my game winning move. I did this and knocked out my biggest competitor without having to write his name down, and with an idol in his pocket. At F6, I had a strong enough alliance to split votes. Unfortunately lost Josh to rocks, but I'm still here. My job at F5 is to either guess correctly to place votes on Amy or Elle or to win immunity. Because at F4, I could at least get Anastasia or Jared to force fire for me. I am so close. So close. 

Ahahahahaha well I have regrets about giving the steal to Elle. One - I forgot to tell them it was good until 5 so elle played it to remove anastasia? (Idk if I've already written about this but oh well) from the possibility of rocks. During the discussion once Josh said that he would vote elle I knew I was going to rocks one because it was fun and spicy and two because they were all set on elle and it seemed josh wasn't really going to vote with us so like it would have been rocks anyway. If I had known the round would be like that I would have held it myself and if I was rocked out lol but if I had it I wouldn't have played it and then elle and myself would be in as much control as is possible at 5. I mean I have the merge idol still plus having 3 of 5 votes please ugh the dream but OH WELL. I cannot wait to just list all my mistakes in this game 🤣🤣🤣 whoopsies. Anyway I'm excited to be immune I'm just worried that the others will just vote out elle because it's easy and / or they will just say to. I have my money on jodi to win this unfortunately because she is so social and would know the most about everyone. And I know nothing about these children bc I was on vacay the whole time. However I also think Jared still has his necklace. I would prefer f3 not have any of the j names lol. However we will see how it goes. I need to get there first and f4 is going to be tough. That's why I want elle still here so we can force fire for more spice. This is such a fun game which consists mostly of me saying whoopsies. Anyway that's all I got bc I am in a travel nightmare weeeeee.

I CANNOT BELIEVE I JUST PULLED OUT INDIVIDUAL IMMUNITY AT FINAL 5 I am an anti comp beast but I win when I need it 😭😭

Sigh... At this point it's like, might as well fight to the end, right?? Might as well fight like hell and make it to FTC. Jodi's almost a sure fire, and part of me is like, "let's see what'll happen when there are 3 hella strong players at FTC". Not a single goat present. I think I want Jared and Anastasia gone for that to be a reality. Granted, I'm not sure I'd win, but also wouldn't it be spicy to find out??? Anyways, I wouldn't be surprised if I go this round.

Nobody is talking to me, does everybody have idols??? I must be the loneliest F5 immunity winner ever

~

I. Love. Power. That’s it that’s the confessional 

~

https://youtu.be/Yt5OI_LfEiQ

~

Roses are red, I'm good under pressure, Who will sit next to me at the end of this adventure?

https://youtu.be/yB5WoxgC-FA

I think I am toast at f4. It sounds like either everyone wants to take anastasia or vote her out but I'm about to play the idol and then I just told anastasia I'd go to rocks for her bc people are between wanting to take her or take her out at 4. I can't believe it sounds like elle wants to take jodi to f3 to be spicy like Jodi will win hahahahaha I have been trying to vote her out since the chaos idol but she had such a hold on people you know what congrats to her 🤣 I can't believe she's even still here rn. Maybe I should have tried to flip it onto jodi rather than go to rocks at 6. Apparently both anastasia and jodi are saying brayden doesn't like them in the game but that literally makes no sense 1 bc brayden is anastasia's bestie irl and 2 bc brayden literally wished good luck for jodi to win before he was gone. I hope they put the votes on me here so I can idol someone out and not just to be safe lol. I kind of hope jared also idols but in that case I'm definitely toast at f4 lol bc idk why they all want to sit by jodi she has convinced them the jury hates her but we literally all said if she makes it to the end she wins ☠️ and tbh I cant say it in the game or they will definitely vote me out but I will vote jodi to win if I'm in the jury and she's f3. If it's anastasia elle and jared I probably vote elle tbh but that one I'll have to hear cases more. It's a fun one for sure! But like the fact that I literally flipped on everyone and had a hand in everyone sitting on the jury.... And I still haven't received any votes is wild. And people just handed me immunity twice. Hahahaha I really think f4 is my end unless I can force fire between anastasia and jodi like why is that even an option. I guess it's not currently on me? But wtf is this I just can't see wanting to take jodi 🤣 everyone loves her despite what she is claiming lol. But I really think everyone in f5 has a solid case. Anastasia never needed immunity or advantages. Jared was last of the fools by merge and made it here and had an idol. Elle had me hand them an advantage lol was able to force rocks to avoid being out and had an idol. Jodi made it this far after having been chaos idoled out then won her way back and still was the biggest threat yet everyone wanted to keep her. Then there's me who no one knows I was the cause of the fake idol, the steal a vote (though played WEIRD), the merge idol yet (though they suspect), the mistake of fucking up the colin vote, the mistake of the 150 buy am advantage thing, the mistake of handing away my advantage, the mistake of not just trying to switch it to get jodi out instead of rocks, but yet here I am lol. It would be a fun one to win that's for sure because it's a hilarious story that I legit wasn't going to play at all. Maybe had I not been drinking so much on vacay and prevacay I would have made sounder decisions but sometimes it pays off to not seem as calculating and just blend in. Here's hoping 1) my merge idol is real (that would be evil if not) and 2) final immunity is something I can win. That's all I got I've been on planes for 12 days it feels like. Love to everyone hosting, in the game, and in the VL.

https://youtu.be/BqX6sSSPOqc

~~~

Power Ranking Update:

Jodi: Immunity has given her the ability to dictate who goes home. She is in the middle of two sides right now: Elle & Amy vs. Anastasia & Jared. She’s giving more consideration to Elle & Amy since Jared, apparently, has explicitly told her that he would cut her at Final 4. This has given their relationship a lot of tension. Thus, it seems that Jodi is making the move first before he can make the move against her.

Elle: Doing everything they can to save their own ass. Has decided to make a deal with Jodi that seems to be very tempting and good if they want to make it to the end. Has the most power because they are on the bottom giving them the biggest credibility. This late game allyship will prove very beneficial.

Amy: Is going to idol. Is safe. Not doing much. Just vibing.

Anastasia: She has not done much in terms of planning this round. However, she has correctly deduced that Amy has the idol. Despite that, she is going to be left out of this plan if it comes to it which may put her in a very precarious spot at Final 4.

Jared: Explicitly telling Jodi that he was going to target her at Final 4 was the Wrong (Capital W) move. Now, he is mega on Jodi’s radar and has since been on Elle’s and Amy’s radar. His under the radar game is being exposed by a poor choice of honesty so close to the end.

~~~

This is my time to shine. I've studied the game since preparing for my buyback. I have a notebook from June 8 that says all the past vote outs, rounds, challenges, etc. I will stay up all night to know this game front and back. This win is mine. 

~

11:06pm PST check in: So far, I've memorized all challenge scores and times (honestly some of these times were really easy, like 57:50.17 or 1:02:26.69) and I'm working on votes against next, then twists. Doing well so far!

~

12:05AM PST Check in: I have now completed the placings, votes against and order of vote out. I am 99% I'm the only one here who knows the actual breakdown of the invisible round votes, so I hope that makes s difference for me. I mainly did this because I don't know how Raffy wants to call us. For example, Dennis was the 8th person voted out, in 11th place, with 10 votes against, and the 1st member of the jury. That's a lot of titles! My next hour is going to be dedicated to learning the names of the twists. These are hard terms that I might not necessarily remember. I don't even remember the buy back one, it's like Samaraasdfa;s something I'll figure it out lol

~

1:04am PST check in: Studying the hunts and twists of the season! Hunts: Chidori yoshino Futuba sakura Shadow Yu Nyx Shadow Teddie Nyarlathotep Twists: Patience Decisions, Decisions (Fortify spirit, debilitate, transparency) Fusion First and Last Samarecarm Survivor Market Invisible Round All or Nothing Jared goes home 🥺💔

~

should I give up immunity and take Amy out in fire? 

The second I saw what the challenge was, I knew it was Jodi’s to win. The first thing she said to me was “I studied your game” and then she studied for the buyback, she’s been studying this whole time. Sorry I’ve been drinking at Disney then had 1 hour after work to study and all that helped with was the names one lol. I kept track of the ones that I mathed wrong or knew but the time countdown was too stressful to think and it was 4 meaning we would have tied LOL oh well.I just hope elle doesn’t turn on me and I can at least go to fire. I told anastasia before that I would force fire for her is the others want her gone but if it’s me or her sorry girl.The difficult part is IF I make it out of this tribal, I still truly believe it’s Jodi’s game to win. If I’m in the jury I’m probably voting Jodi but maybe Elle. I have a lot to convince the jury of because I was so behind the scenes. I think I have Dennis and Colin for sure for votes, Babs is a mystery. I think Josh hates us all but I’m the direct reason he was rocked out. Jodi has Brayden and Jared and probably Jay I think. So it would be really tough to beat Jodi. I will have to use the exact arguments that I don’t actually agree with that were used against me in subrosa (though there I wasn’t voted at 9, it was like 24 lol) saying I was at least never voted out and you shouldn’t need to win challenges to keep yourself alive. I will have to use her own words and say it can be seen as being a coward to not commit to a vote and instead try to keep your hands clean (the Jared vote) so whoever survived she could be good with but also good with the jury members even though he straight up said he made Jared play his idol on her to be able to vote him out soon after lol. Idk I’m thinking ahead of myself bc honestly if I were them I’d vote me out right here. I do want to reiterate that I think Jodi is amazing and we play pretty similar game styles overall. I just made messy moves all game channeling my inner Raffy. I wish this challenge would have been the chop style bc I think jodi loses and Elle wins. Oh well. I’m sunburnt and dehydrated and exhausted bye! Hope I make FTC but we will see lol

So idr what i said last. Ana's gonna have to go. I'm gonna tell her tomorrow morning. I feel bad bc I did mean it at the time when I asked if she wanted to go to fTC with me like 2 rounds ago but then I kept thinking about a spicy FTC and then Jodi reached out and :/// i feel bad but at least i'll tell her. But yeah! Looks like we're going to FTC, guys :) watch me get voted out tomorrow for getting cocky 😂 you truly are never safe in this game

I have decided what I'm going to do tonight.... Who ever thought I'd get here? I guess my studying paid off. Tonight is a big tribal council, because it's more nuanced than just sending 2 people to fire or voting somebody out. Whoever wins fire also has a "cherry on top" in terms of a final comp win to earn their spot into FTC, so as a Final Immunity winner, this becomes a dilemma of do I try to take out my biggest threat to win, at the risk of giving them a possible final flashy move? Essentially, the obvious situation is whether or not I send Amy and Anastasia to fire tonight. I owe my life in this game to Anastasia, who was my most loyal ally since I came back into the game. Amy flipped and played Colin's game and is the representative of that "side"'s game. She is definitely my biggest threat for votes. If she goes, she has to go, she can't win fire. Elle won't flip on Amy, Anastasia's not confident, so what do I do? 1) Vote out Anastasia 3-1, fight with Elle and Amy in the end. This option means there's no fire for either Amy or Anastasia to have on their resumes. This option means I must get 5 votes, as Anastasia sitting beside me meant she would've given me the final tiebreaker vote. Elle and Amy vote for each other, so I have to win straight out here. 2) Convince Amy to vote Elle and then me and Anastasia vote Amy in a 2-1-1. Same reason as Elle, Amy won't vote Elle out. She went to rocks for them even while holding an idol! 3) Give my immunity necklace to Anastasia, and ask her to send me to fire with Amy, and I take out Amy myself. This not only robs Amy of the final flashy move (if I win), but I would directly take control of who I want in the final 3. Pulling an Underwood is obviously risky, but for the Amy stans on the Jury, they literally cannot be upset at me if I take her out like this. I've flirted with this idea ever since making Final 4, but of course, there's a really small (but still existing) chance of me getting Erik Reichenbach'd here. I had to gauge how my chances are at the moment and how much they'd change with a successful fire challenge, but alas, in the words of Jay Bee themself, this would be "the most Jodi move" to cap off my game. I won't reveal what I'm doing tonight here, but I promise it's what's going to win me the game. Tune in to tribal council tonight to find out 😈

Im about to be voted off of this game. I did have the choice to go to rocks because Jodi said she would but I really am fine with getting 4th. Also I want to ask the ftc questions because I had no hope of winning over them. It's sad but true. I'm looking foward to talking to Colin and Jay and Jared!!

~~~

Power Rankings Update:

Jodi: Her winning immunity was crucial for her winning the entire game. She definitely played the Messiest game out of everyone on this cast, but that has more than earned her a spot at FTC. She is most likely to win out of this Final 4, and her vote will be the most crucial for tonight to determine if this will be fire or Anastasia’s vote-out.

Elle: She is the safest person without immunity tonight. From being targeted at 6 and 7 for having an idol they did not have to being assured FTC, Elle has had a journey from under the radar. They are not at threat of being eliminated from this game with whatever Jodi decides to do.

Amy: She is in a very precarious position now. While Elle will vote Anastasia, Jodi might not. This means that Amy might have to go to fire, but I think she got in good enough with Jodi at this point to be higher than Anastasia.

Anastasia: Most definitely receiving votes.

~~~

Wow hahahahahahahaha what a journey this has been. From saying I won’t be playing the game, to saying a have to hard quit by May 28, to winning 3 hunts and knowing where every advantage was, to playing while on vacation literally in Disney World for a week, to avoiding any sort of target from either side somehow, to being here in FTC. Is this how I imagined FTC to be comprised? NO hahaha I still think Jodi is going to run away with it and I have a lot of convincing to do in my speech to try to win over the jury. I had a moment that I was going to have to do fire in my car at f4 haha but I offered Anastasia fire and she didn’t want to do it. Also my original plan to force fire was to try to get Jodi out haha but that girl earned her spot in FTC. I just want to say it’s been an incredibly fun game to play and I’ve enjoyed playing this game with everyone and I hope that I can get to know everyone better when I’m not doing a million other things too. I think my goal in FTC (depending on time limits, Raffy please give me 10 minutes for a speech haha) is to reveal my hunt wins, strategy to keep targets elsewhere, the flip and undercover agent for 3 rounds, being gifted immunity twice, risking my entire game for my allies, not asking anyone to play advantages on me (actually the opposite- please DO NOT play them on me), not needing to win immunities to make it to the end, being in a position to be ale to give away advantages (which benefitted me by making the rest believe Elle somehow had the other idol to ensure the votes were on me instead thus assuring we both made f4 with my idol play), and never being voted out of the game. I want to show thatI played a messy game actually trying to be voted out early with the two alliances set up following my plan of having Dennis and brayden believe I was their ideas all while becoming closer with jodi so she wouldn’t ever go against me. I played deliberately making moves and owning vote outs, never playing only to keep my hands clean. I was on the right side of EVERY vote except Colin - my biggest mistake of the game since had he played his idol there chances are he’d be sitting here too. I want to thank Dennis and the survivor gods for bringing Colin and I together at the perfect time to flip the game completely. I want to show my game was imperfect and I never tried to control people’s every move. I was flexible and worked collectively even going against my trust issues. I put my life in others’ hands and at any point people could have easily turned against me. Frankly I’m not sure why they didn’t. I want to show that I respected everyone and was able to make all the moves I did while being in constant transit or being Epcot drunk. I want to explain that a messy and imperfect game with big moves, never being voted out, many mistakes, hunt wins, a lot of information flowing to me, and a lot of fun in possible and deserving of the title of sole survivor. I kept my cards close as I usually do in games, but I played more risky than ever. Even being in a minority alliance I was never receiving votes nor was my name even being mentioned until it was too late. I’m really proud of the game I played, but I recognize much of the jury might be really bitter toward me and view Elle’s underdog story or Jodi’s power and comeback as more deserving. Either way I think it’s a great F3 and I look forward to a fun FTC. I won’t be stressing as much (hopefully) as my previous FTC. Thank you to everyone who made this game what it was. It might be my favorite game I’ve played even though I still refuse to learn anything about Persona. I look forward to many game nights (if I don’t hard quit skype again lol).

(Imagine "My Way" by Frank Sinatra (or even play it 👀) while you read this ty I'm creating an audio visual experiential mindscape, now imagine that I'm sitting at the edge of a stage clearly after a show but all the patrons are gone, one knee is up and I'm leaning on it casually while looking around at the auditorium, my eyes pausing and flashing with emotions as I pause at the seats where old friends or family may have been sitting.) Well, we made it 🙂 Typical that the game I put the relative least amount of effort into is the one I go to FTC, but that tracks, I suppose. I honestly don't know if I'll win. But I kind of like that, you know? ^_^ I love the mysteryyyyy✨. I hope no one's mad at me at FTC, either for just being there or something I did :/ I mean it's bound to happen but I hate both just people suffering in my vicinity and confrontation. Plus, idk how I'll take it 😂 not like, crying or anything I don't cry in front of people EVER like I'd have to be... idk literally stabbed or something, I'm more worried I won't be able to respond in the "survivor"-y way, and instead I'll go into comfort/validation mode and solutions based conflict management 😅😅. I hope people like my Rites of Passage jokes, I tried to tailor them to every person at least a little. I also people like Ingary, which I'll have 5 dedicated days to plan and prep the rest of it with Dylan 😂 jeez. Me making FTC in the game I thought I'd last like, pre-merge is So Typicallll 🤣 Stay breezy and easy cheesy, Elle ^_^ 💖

https://youtu.be/Dy4zhccMhRw

~~~

FTC Power Ranking:

Amy: Amy had the strongest Final Tribal Council out of the three. She exposed a lot of her game to people turning Amy supporters to Amy simps and people who were on the fence about her into people who recognize how well she played. The secrets she kept were very important to reveal as it changed how the game was viewed. She did an excellent job at unveiling all of the shadows in this game, and I think she impressed the jury the most.

Jodi: Jodi did not have a lot to reveal like Amy. Most of Jodi’s game has already been talked about and/or known about as she played very openly and vocally. This made her Final Tribal Council turn into defending her own play style for most of the time she was given. She certainly did demonstrate a lot of passion which is good to sway some people off of Amy with an emotional plea. I think her biggest issue was that she did not adequately acknowledge the flaws in her game that people had and refute those flaws.

Elle: Elle had a very chill vibe at Final Tribal Council. They mostly answered all of the questions in the same way with the same answers. This definitely hurt them as it felt like Elle didn’t explain how they got to the end of their own merit. Instead, they made it seem like her allies carried her to the end rather than anything they did explicitly. They were a Hero to the very end by simply being themselves and hoping that it would net them votes. However, they were definitely the weakest at Final Tribal Council out of the three present.

~~~

Edgic:

Season Edgic and Overall Edgics:

Power Rankings:

#episode #episodes

[cutemoniic]

i used to rlly like my history of art teach bc when last year i was homesick for two weeks almost she phoned my family and asked my mom how i was and expressed concern about me not attending school and i felt good! wow someone cares about me wow!!!! wow... only to later find out that she doesnt give a shit about students. she phones everyone that misses school for more than three days to tattle on their families. she genuinely thought that i had skipped school for two weeks and wanted to rat me out to my parents. which knew that i was home, sick as a dog.

aannnnnnd since then she became pretty manipulative and bossy overall??? she would trick us by saying that she wasnt going to do oral tests this particular day, make everyone come and not study and THEN do the oral test anyway and give and scold us if we told her that she told us that she wasn't going to and then oral test those people and put bad or low grades on them no matter what. she would make SIX PAGES LONG tests with topics we barely did and she would claim that she gave us papers about that and told us that one of us prolly lost them. if someone would be missing during a test she would first phone them and start SCREAMING like a banshee about ''''''their future scholastic careers'''''''' and humiliating them in front of the whole class because wow youve been called by the teacher???? lol m8. she would also phone their families. she uncovered two of our classmates that were ditching school and got them punished both. she also tried to phone another one of our classmates that was in the hospital with acid in their blood but the mother answered and she got herself chewed up in front of the whole classroom.

and today she reached my limit??? i had to do a test with another girl of my class. the 90% of our class is having fun in berlin for their last years trip, while me and three other classmates stayed behind. she told us to not miss school today bc we were gonna do her test, okay?? i get to school this morning, nobody is here, so the old janitors (theyre such sweethearts gdi) told me to just go home and that they would have told her that and no problem. i get home, i get back to bed to play pokemon in peace. its around 9:30am. my other classmates messages me saying that shes at school and if i was going to come for the test. i tell her that i came earlier and nobody was there, she tells me okay and stops messaging. 10:01am. she messages me again telling me that she met our teach while sneaking out of the school (there wasnt anyone either) and she held her back PHYSICALLY by HER FUCKING ARM and asked her where she was going. my classmate told her that she was gonna go home because there was just her and????? she says 'if you do that i will call your family. you will stay here' and she brought her to ANOTHER CLASSROOM SHE WAS TEACHING IN and she was FORCED to stay here. what the fuck. 10:30am, my classmate messages me and tells me that the teacher is going to call me and to be careful. i go like ?????? and a minute later my phone rings. i pick up because i was confused and curious and she starts SCREAMING LIKE A FUCKIGN BANSHEE TO GET MY ASS IN SCHOOL OR ELSE SHE WAS GOING TO PHONE MY HOUSE AND MAKE ME REPEAT THE YEAR. ofc i get into a panic attack, pick myself the fuck up and go to school because what????? the fuck can you do???????? 11:00am: i get to the classroom to this piece of absolute shit screaming that i HAD to do her test now, slams the door of the classroom shut loudly and starts making sounds with the desks by dragging them around. still screaming. and everyone who knows me also knows that loud, sudden noise makes me heavily panic. by this point i was literally TERRIFIED and shaking and when i got the test i had like. 20 minutes to scramble myself together before i had another panic attack. she pretended to ignore me until i started crying and at that point she went ''?????? anderson whats wrong?????'' LIKE SHE DIDN'T KNEW. she attempted to help me by trying to touch me, which honestly made me panic MORE. my other classmates was telling her not to touch me, that i was having a panic attack and to just NOT TOUCH ME. she kept trying to get to pat my head and reassured her that she dealt with little kids all the time and kept apologizing. after this i literally swunged my backpack on and RAN out of the class, stayed with the janitor lady and she even got mad at the teacher for wanting me to get back inside and finish the test. i got sent home and my mom got PISSED at this situation, and on monday shell have a talk with the principal. she has attempted to call me ALL DAY until i had to mute my phone (so if people message me on kik/etc ill be slower to respond unless im directly looking at my phone ngi) and she gave up for now. thats why im terrified of school and why i started disliking her subject. fuck her and everything she stands for!!!!!!! just fuck her

#;;ooc #negative ;; #its hella long jsyk its about a teacher and her bullshit

[pansexualbatgirl-blog]

So like. Some people were kinda confused by the scattered posts and talking from my mutuals bout my new medical issues so I’m just going to quickly explain stuff here rather than to everyone individually. Anyways below this is my horror story of my gallbladder so far. No I did not have surgery yet but I’m scheduling stuff tomorrow when their office is open from the holidays. I’m alright now but occasionally still in pain and have been p much forced onto a diet.

Anyways without further ado, have the extended story of how 2016 fucked me up one more time right at the end. Anyways, I’m avoiding the majority of the gross details (the worst being probably my ultrasound and the pain which was bad)

My gallbladder got infected AND has gallstones (which is like a complicated thing im not gonna explain but long story short: OW) which happened some time just before christmas (the infection part).

Anyways I thought I had the flu the day after so I was tryna rest and stuff but all day on the 26th and 27th I was sick super bad and wasn’t able to eat. and on the 28th i was STILL sick superbad but the pain i thought was just the flu had just gotten super intense. And by that I mean when my moms boyfriend drove me to the hospital I cried at every bump. I was in so much pain it had just taken over my whole stomach and made it hard to walk and move and do anything p much (which was why I had been going to the hospital)

So anyways my mom had work in the morning and so did her boyfriend so nobody was able to stay there with me (and hospitals terrify me, for the record). So anyways I finally get to a room in emerge and the doctor comes in and THANK GOD it had been long enough for the initial tests to come in so I didn’t have to tell them I was a virgin and therefore Not Pregnant 30 billion times (because as a girl going to the hospital for stomach issues, thats their first thought). So he has me lay on my back and then starts pressing on my stomach and I screamed really loud and was caught between shaking and holding still because it hurt so bad i didnt want to move but like. He kept pressing on different places trying to find out where the pain was worst and it was on the right side (which I couldn’t really tell before since it had p much taken over half my body) which is Bad. Like, pain in the right side of your stomach is bad and they thought it was my appendix maybe so I got told I was going to get an xray and an ultrasound.

Which freaked me out.

So after he left the room my nurse came in and told me that it’d only be a few more minutes and then I was having a small anxiety attack so she helped talk me through some questions I had about the type of ultrasound the doctor had planned (bc it was originally gonna be one of the insert-smth-in-your-body ones) and told her I had anxiety issues (which will come up again later). Anyways she explained things in a way that made me feel less scared and then told me it would be painless and how it worked and made sure I was ok before going.

A few minutes later a guy comes in and puts the thing they put IVs in you into my arm and then injected me with morphine and some fluids and then walked me down to wait for my xray (which was so fucking painful lemme tell you. hes lucky the drugs were good or id have passed out by then but again: anxiety. I was too scared to ask for a wheelchair to go there).

So then they do my x-ray and the lady walked me to the ultrasound room. Not sure why (either from dehydration or because the nurse told them i was anxious about the other type) but I got the normal type of ultrasound. Which, idk if all of you have gotten one before, but theyre generally painless. Generally. They coat your belly in gel and then rub it with this thing that shows them your stomach-- painless. And by then the screeching roar of pain had dulled down a bit. Enough for it to only hurt in some places rather than all.

Anyways, she starts and I start crying right away. Like not moving, but tears everywhere. She had to guide my breathing the whole time (okay hun I need you to breathe. deep breath and hold it. okay now breathe, i know it hurts im sorry) and like I don’t know how long I was in there but it felt like forever and I was just in SO much pain the whole time even with the morphine in me.

Anyways bless her soul when she realized I had walked there she just “haha fuck that no i am wheeling you back you are not walking” only more polite and like when I answered I had walked she had this “im going to kill someone on your behalf” look on her face. So yeah she wheeled me back and told me she couldnt tell me about what she had seen on the thing (as they send it to a professional to get the reading) but she had a worried look which left me super anxious.

Ten-ish minutes not even later, the doctor comes back in, along with the nurse. He tells me that theyre admitting me and that it’s my gallbladder. He mentions its infected and my mind just goes blank with terror because when my mom had her gallbladder out it got infected amd she almost died. And at that time it didnt matter that my older sister and like two or three of my aunts had gotten theirs out with no problems, my mind just went straight to “oh my god I am going to die immediately there is no hope Im going to die alone right here in this room”. And the doctor is a bit patronizing and keeps asking me if I understand whats going on and what hes telling me and I just keep nodding and saying yeah and he left me with the nurse to go over the other stuff and I lost it. Like I had asked if I could call my mom (who I knew would understand WHY my anxiety attack had turned to a panic attack) and the nurse had been about to say that she had to go over some medical stuff first but when I broke down she quickly (bless her soul) got me my phone and let me call my mom right away (because again, I was alone at the hospital).

So yeah Im full blown panic mode and I get my mom on the phone and I barely get out “mom its my gallbladder” before i can no longer talk because I’m having trouble breathing. So my moms talking and asking me things (trying to see how bad it is) and I just am having trouble keeping up the conversation because I’m crying so hard so the nurse offers to talk to her and explains what all is going on to my mom for me properly and how bad it is (again, bless this ER nurse because she’s literally my hero). So my mom had mentioned “yeah when I had mine out I almost died from an infection” and my nurse just “yeaahhh lets not tell her that” but the thing is I already knew it was one of the scariest parts of my life and my mom said that and she kinda got how bad it was. Anyways so she gives my phone back and left to go get me something for my anxiety and my mom is telling me to call her if anything comes up and I knew she had to work in the morning so I’m trying to be calmer (because my mom needs p much all the hours that she gets, our family never has had too much money) and I went to ask if she could have her boyfriend or my sister or aunt or someone come sit with me the next day and my voice broke and it was a big sobfest and she just “I’m going to call in right now and drive up there” and Im trying to tell her not to but she just “I wouldnt be able to work with you there alone ANYWAYS” and stayed on with me while she was getting ready then when the nurse came back let me go so she could call her work (it’s community living so theres someone there 24 hours a day to answer, but either way its like one in the morning)

So the nurse brought me a pill for anxiety and chilled with me until it was time to send me up and ALSO had the pill ordered for the floor I was on so Id be able to have one if I had another attack. Now, like taking care of patients is one thing but she was an honest to god angel okay. Like she went way above and beyond what she needed to do and was super kind the whole time and even helped me pack up the little bit of stuff I had. Like good nurses in my hospital arent anything new but she was incredible and I can’t express that enough.

anyways when I’m up in the room they let me wait for my mom to get there (I was put in the old ppl ward because it had the first bed open on that floor, since it shares one with OB). When my mom got there they went over stuff with her and they said they’d know by morning if I was responding well enough to anti-biotics or if I needed an emergency surgery (which wouldve meant the inflamation/infection was very, VERY bad and not getting better). By then Ive mellowed out because morphine + anxiety medication = the highest Jean you ever did see. So I sign some papers and my mom asks more questions and then the nurse leaves (again, I was super high on the crap they gave me so I don’t really remember this part too clearly). But my mom stayed with me until I was falling asleep then gave me a hug and kissed and promised to be back in the morning when the surgeon would make the call.

Morning comes and I wake up and I woke up in too much pain to even try moving enough to hit the red page-y button for a good few minutes. Anyways when I do they bring me pain meds and they take a little while to kick in (as it was oral ones and not morphine this time) but kick in they did and by the time my mom got there (like half an hour later, its a 20ish minute drive from her place) I was very much high again (albeit still in pain).

So we wait for FOREVER for the doctor to come in and I get the news that I don’t need surgery right away but DO still need it. Annnnddd then I’m told Im spending another night there which was blah. I was also told that I wasnt allowed to eat or drink anything and that I’d be on antibiotics and fluids through my arm since they had to flush out my system or whatever.

She sat with me most of the day and chatted with the older lady’s son who was my moms age nd really nice to me even tho i spent most of the day half asleep nd full of painmeds. Anyways aroundlike 2ish? they took me to another room with a new nurse (this one in OB where I was supposed to be) and the guy wished me good luck and joked around bout how they’d loan me a wheelchair because his mom had like 4 different varieties in there ok. So in OB I had my own room and it was super big and the bed was super comfy,

Anyways my mom had to leave and let her dogs out and take care of my animals at my place so I laid there and napped off and on between pain meds and messaged some people and such. I kept dozing off on everyone though and needing to take breaks from talking and honestly theres not much to tall about this part. I slept and slept and my mom came back later and brought me a colouring book, a change of clothes, toothpaste nd toothbrush. Whcih is important because the morphine made my mouth taste gross and I wasnt allowed to have water even. Toothpaste with a gross mouth is a blessing. Boi, the things you appreciate when in the hospital lemme tell you.

Anyways I had to stay another night, this one less eventful and with less pain. I slept the whole thing nd in the morning I was feeling good enough to get up without pain meds (which i didnt need the rest of the day either woohoo). And my appetite came back (I hasn’t eaten since christmas night and even then, not that much as i didnt want food really. I hadn’t really been eating much at all that day or the couple before it) which was both good and bad... good because it meant I was getting better and bad because I was FUCKING HUNGRY OH MY GOD. But I had been dying for a drink since the day before so when later that day one of the peeps came in with apple juice and ice water I was so happy. When I was able to handle that ok I got a liquid lunch (jello, a popsicle nd broth and MORE APPLEJUICE!!!) and it was good. I got discharged not long after nd then got to go home after getting antibiotics nd pain pills.

So now the plan is to book a follow up tomorrow (since the office was closed due to the holidays) and then i go in for surgery round the middle of february. Which means I’ll probably be in the hospital on my birthday which is, you know, wonderful. Although the bright side is I’ll probably get pity presents. Maybe I’ll get a pity party. BUT I’M NO LONGER ALLOWED CAKE SO IT DOESNT EVEN MATTER.

Like I’m not on an as-little-fat-as-possible diet until its out since fattty stuff will iritate/inflame it again. I also have to avoid sugar or eating a lot at once so. Bright side I’ll probably lose the weight ive been trying to get off downside i cant eat fucking anything and i hate everything 60% of the time.

But ya that’s my story if you read this far ilu nd thanks for listening to me bitch

#jean can you n o t #rant #im dying right now tho tbh #fuck everything

[lightningfilledsaber]

Do not rəbl°g this p°st

Tw for mention/talk/description of gaslighting, ableism, racism, transphobia, gore/death, r*pe, sexual abuse, pedophilia, and inc*st.

Please blacklist/filter the tags #blacklistnow or #blacklist now if you don't want to read this

I'm adding this after I've already written this vent because I'm done being quiet about who has incestually abused me and some of the details of what happened to me. I will not be editing this to sound nicer or more coherent because I am not a nice or coherent victim. What happened to me was horrific and I won't water down my raw reaction to remembering what I went through.

Do not speculate/debate/invalidate my trauma and absolutely do not rəbl°g this post. It is incredibly fucking hard to be posting this. I am posting this however because my general silence on most of the things that have gone on has been my weakness and my former abuser has used that as power over me because my lack of detail is easy for him to manipulate to make him look like the victim. This is not detailing nearly everything that has happened to me, and I will not relive more of my trauma than I'm comfortable with, so keep that in mind as well.

I'm not airing urls/other accounts of my former abuser and (current?) stalker because I don't care if nobody knows who he (I am using he/him pronouns to refer to my former abuser because those are the only pronouns I have ever seen/been told that my former abuser uses. I have not been given any other examples besides he/him of the pronouns my former abuser has used or is using) is. He openly "jokes" about rape and pedophilia, says the n word both with and without the 'hard r' despite being nonblack, says r*tard despite not being on the autism spectrum, deadnames and misgenders trans folks, and owns a server with channels dedicated to talking about/posting both drawn child porn and graphic real life photos of gore, mutilation, and death of children and animals.

It goes without saying that the people in this server either actively participate in this or just dont give a shit. The people he associates with know his character. If you don't excuse the shit mentioned above then you don't have to worry about interacting with him, and frankly I'm tired and wary of putting myself at risk again for exposing him.

Do not rəbl°g this p°st

Fuck folks, what really pisses me off about everything I've gone through with being stalked, deadnamed, and just generally harassed by my stupid ex abuser and his stupid (now ex) boyfriend is that literally the whole reason I had put my neck out like that was bc I had seen a post abt how someone had warned the partner of their toxic ex and had helped them. I just fuckin. I saw that and I felt confident enough to be vulnerable to a fucking stranger because I thought I could help him like that person helped their ex's partner but it just turned around and kicked me in the ass.

Like fuck, this ex who is a TRANS MAN talked about wanting to kill me and called me, EXCLUSIVELY, her or it. Then had the AUDACITY to tell me that he was """just checking on me""" as if he was fucking worried about me?? And that I needed to stop venting about my abuser bc """it upset him"""????? Oh yeah lemme just take into consideration the feelings of the person who lied, manipulated, abused, and yeah fucking raped me. Because pressuring someone into sex is fucking rape. And it wasn't even once! Once would've been enough but it was fucking CONSTANT! EVERY SINGLE TIME I CAME OVER. "Please can we do anal. Can we? Do you want to? Do you want to?" Over and over and over no matter how many times I shrugged or said maybe or said I wasnt ready or into it or that it was too much or even fucking RIGHT OUT SAID NO he would ask and ask and ask and ask until I caved in like YEAH. THAT'S RAPE MY DUDE. And to a lesser degree he, whether he actually has DID or OSDD or not, manipulated me into dating and being sexual with his "second personality" that had repeatedly misgendered and deadnamed me before. Not to mention the fact that HE TOLD ME HE HAD BEEN DATING SOMEONE WHO HAD EVENTUALLY KILLED HIMSELF BUT THEN LATER ADMITTED TO ME THAT HE WAS LYING ABOUT THEM DATING AND HE ACTUALLY WAS JUST STALKING HIM??? LOL. Not to mention that our """""relationship""""" started with him manipulating me in what was and is still for me the most humiliating way fucking possible. I'm not gonna talk about that but he fucking lied to me and tried to convince me that I had fucking TOLD MY DAD I WANTED TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM, MY DAD, and that he felt bad bc it was his fault for """corrupting me""" WHEN MY FUCKING DAD HAD DIED ALMOST A FULL FUCKING YEAR BEFORE OUR FIRST """""RELATIONSHIP"""""" He gaslight me so fucking BAD so fucking constantly even about the dumbest shit but that was the fucking worst. I started to fucking BELIEVE IT for a while it was so fucking bad. I didnt know what was real or fake I still dont know if his fucking ""second personality""" is real or not I dont KNOW. He just fucking downplayed EVERYTHING he did to me and had the fucking AUDACITY to say I was the reason he THOUGHT about killing himself like???? NAH LMAO. YOU USED SUICIDE AND SELF HARM AS A THREAT TO KEEP ME WITH YOU OR HAVE SEX WITH YOU OR WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANTED AT THAT TIME. YALL WANNA KNOW THE WORST PART ABOUT ALL OF THIS??? THAT VERY FUCKING FEW PEOPLE KNOW BECAUSE I AM TERRIFIED AND ASHAMED AND FUCKING HUMILIATED OF THIS STILL??? HES MY FIRST FUCKING COUSIN. THIS SON OF A BITCH MANIPULATED ME INTO THINKING INCEST WAS OKAY BECAUSE I WAS AN EASY TARGET FOR BEING NAIVE SO HE COULD FUCK ME. I HAD ALREADY FUCKING BEEN SEXUALLY ABUSED IN THE PAST I ALREADY HAD FUCKING ISSUES. HE MADE ME THINK INCEST WAS OKAY AS LONG AS WE ""NEVER HAD KIDS""" I WAS SCARED AND TRIED SO HARD TO CONVINCE MYSELF THAT WHAT WAS HAPPENING WAS OKAY THAT WE """DATING"""" WAS OKAY AND THAT BEING MY BOYFRIEND WAS OKAY AND EVEN THAT FUCKING BRINGING OTHER PEOPLE INTO OUR FUCKING RELATIONSHIP WAS OKAY BECAUSE HE FUCKING GASLIGHT ME SO BAD. HE MANIPULATED AND GASLIGHT AND ABUSED ME SO BAD THAT MY FUCKING BEST FRIENDS COULDNT SAY ANYTHING ABOUT IT BECAUSE I WOULDVE LASHED OUT AT THEM OUT OF FEAR AND SHAME BECAUSE HE MADE ME THINK THAT SHIT WAS OKAY. SO YEAH. FUCK HIM. FUCK THIS SITUATION. AND FUCK HIS EX BOYFRIEND. BET HE DIDNT FUCKING TELL YOU WE WERE COUSINS HUH?????? YEAH. WONDER WHY. CAUSE HE'S A FUCKING PATHOLOGICAL LIAR AND COULD GET AWAY WITH IT BECAUSE I'M STILL AND ALWAYS WILL BE FUCKING ASHAMED AND HUMILIATED WITH MYSELF FOR IT. FUCK YOU FOR BEING A DOUCHE TO ME. FUCK YOU FOR STARTING THIS SHIT. FUCK YOU AND FUCK HIM I HOPE YOU BOTH CHOKE

Do not rəbl°g this p°st

#mud rambles #text in red has special characters to prevent searching #long post #r*pe mention #r*pe tw #inc*st mention #inc*st tw #inc*st #r*pe #im not adding too many initially cause i want to prevent search through tags #blacklist now #blacklistnow #ask to tag

[pixie-daydream]

i haven’t ranted in a while but BOYS ARE FUCKING ANNOYING and i just need to rant okay

first of all i feel like we need some backstory in case anyone actually reads this. this is gonna be long as fuck but I’M REALLY IRRITATED EVEN A YEAR LATER so i just need a place to let it loose so i’m not reeling over it in my head. a year ago at the end of my senior year of college i befriended two guys, one of which i had a mutual crush on, the other i saw strictly as a friend. all three of us were friends. it was cool. it was fun, they were funny, we became friends in such a short amount of time but got so close so fast. the three of us hung out a few times in person and also had a groupchat going, whatever. me and my crush started talking just us and that’s a whole different story but yknow, that whole thing happened and we started liking eachother more and more, it was getting pretty deep, we’d facetime-sleepover a few times, blah blah blah, met up to hang out/whatever you wanna call it, it was cute, it was magical, it was a great time, it didn’t end up working out, but it’s an important part of this story. so that’s just some backstory. so while me and my crush are crushing on eachother, me and our friend are also talking outside of the groupchat... basically they both started talking to me on the side and the groupchat died. interesting. but anyways... MY FRIEND is joking around calling me his wife bc he gave me this fake ass plastic ring at a party and clearly i thought it was just a joke. it’s something i’d joke around about, like “haha you gave me a ring, we’re married obvz”... i didn’t really think anything of it cus it really wasn’t that deep. so i THOUGHT that was all just a joke between friends but then he started getting deep with it and telling me i’m such a beautiful person and any guy would kill and be lucky to have a girl like me and all this other shit, how he wanted to be with me forever and it would be us together forever and he’d die a better man having known me... all this weird shit. now DUMB ASS ME being the insecure person that i am honestly just thought he was being nice like i didn’t think he was being serious i thought he was just being a nice friend and saying something nice to another friend but in the back of my mind i was like “oh shit what if he likes me” cus yknow, you never know. but like i said i was insecure as fuck and my confidence level was so low it was almost nonexistent so i was like yeah he prob doesn’t like me, i didn’t even think my crush liked me back at that point but ANYWAYS i digress....... sooner or later my friend starts getting weirdly jealous of literally anyone i hung out with, guy friends, girl friends, it didn’t matter he was just mad that i hung out with other people solo and only hung out with him in a group setting. so i was like wtf chill out it’s just convenient for me to hang w other people bc they’re close by whereas he lived way further away and ALSO, i knew him for less amount of time so for me w the social anxiety in MOST instances it takes me a while to get comfortable w someone on that level to hang out just us two, but he never understood that.... anyways...... he found out me and my crush facetimed and again got weirdly jealous, and was like ‘clearly u like him better than me bc we never facetime’ which 1st of all HE NEVER ASKED ME TO FT HIM, second of all he has a fucking android so 4+5=48 wtf how were we supposed to facetime u fucking moron. but clearly my crush told him we facetimed cus nobody else knew at the time, so clearly the two of them were talking about me. and my friend was asking if i had a crush on him, which at the time i didn’t really wanna say bc i wasn’t sure if my crush liked me back and i didn’t want it getting back to him so i just played it coy.... but it was obvious i had a crush on the kid so my friend could really just do the math. but my friend was being so weird about it pulling the “marriage” card saying if we’re married why am i cheating on him AND HONESTLY ONCE AGAIN I THOUGHT WE WERE JUST JOKING AROUND yet at the same time he was really accusing me over absolutely nothing and i was like oh shit is he actually mad........ and then eventually he’s like “chill it’s just a joke” but he would consistently say “whoever makes you happy even if i dont understand why you like him” and shit like that. anyways, he knew i had a crush on the guy and he knew the guy had a crush on me, from the inception of his crush on me apparently, and said MOST of their conversations were about me. everyone thought the two of them were like bffed out, yet apparently most of their convos were about me... ok.... anyway. point being, he knew how much we liked eachother. fast forward a couple months, over the course of the summer me and my friend were still friends, we’d hang out like once a week in a big group of people but we were always fighting. it was like fighting between siblings kinda that’s what it reminded me of but would play it off as a joke, but he’d still pull the husband/wife joke thing and i’d go along with it cus again i’m an idiot and even tho it was starting to get weird i didn’t wanna look like i was taking it seriously since most of the shit he said was a joke anyway. for example, around this time i was starting to sense something odd going on with my crush... eventually things were starting to fizzle out which was devastating to me but again that’s a whole different story i don’t really need to get into. i mentioned to my friend how i was kinda worried i was gonna lose some people in my life, bc if i pick up on the slightest thing that’s off i go into panic mode, and my friend was like ‘so screw everyone else. it’s just me and you. and since i’m your husband you should let me take you out on a date.’ and i was like ????? wtf........ i dont wanna go on a fucking date with you. i was like ‘i mean, we can hang out’ and he goes ‘so date?’ and i was  like ‘no...’ and he’s like ‘why not??? why wont you let me take you out??? i thought we were best friends. best friends can’t go out together and hang out?” LIKE. LITERALLY. THIS IS WHAT HE WAS SAYING. and i said i’d hang with him but he always would try and turn it into a date and he goes “chill, do you actually think i’d take you out on a romantic date? i’m not about that life.” ??????????? alright, s you’re just joking then? EVEN THOUGH YOU CONSTANTLY BRING UP WEIRD SHIT IN A ROMANTIC WAY ABOUT ME ALL THE TIME. it’s just a joke tho. alright. so anyway, the day after this happens, my crush mentioned my friend wanted us all to go to the beach or something, so clearly they were speaking to eachother at that point. and then my friend texted me at the same time asking if me and my crush were an item yet..... and at that point i still never outright admitted i liked him so i was panicking bc i knew they were talking about me and i was like why the fuck is he asking me this........... anyway i said no and my friend said he was gonna “hook it up” and tell him to ask me out to which i said WHY because I DON’T WANT/NEED OTHER PEOPLE MEDDLING IN MY LIFE WITHOUT ME ASKING. just a side note i’ve never been in a relationship i’m VERY new to someone even having actual reciprocated feelings for me and i really really REALLY REALLY liked my crush a lot... like i adored him and definitely could have fallen for him truly but i did not want anything to mess it up, just wanted to let it evolve naturally and let it keep progressing slowly bc i was terrified to lose him and i especially didn’t want this fucking idiot to talk to him for me since i was starting to get sufficiently creeped out by him. so his response was “bc you’d say yes” and i just didn’t respond bc i was so annoyed at that point AND THE FUCKER HAD THE NERVE 3 HOURS LATER TO SAY “why didn’t you text me back? that’s not what best friends do...” tHaT’s NoT wHaT bEsT fRiEnDs Do ??? WHAT KIND OF FUCKING CHILDISH BULLSHIT IS THAT? keep in mind this fucker is like 25 years old yet he pulls cards like that... WTF. anyway. i find it very odd how after that conversation, things with me and my crush started to fizzle out. very odd. i can’t fully blame it on my friend bc in the future i’d found out from my crush that he himself was just........ an idiot, i don’t really know what his issue was but he fucked up on his own.... HOWEVER, i definitely find it sus that my friend was saying he was gonna hook us up or w/e and then suddenly it turned to shit. interesting. ok. so things w my crush were getting weird, i was clearly upset by it and my friend picked up on it and attempted to reassure me that my crush loved me and was obsessed and wasn’t going anywhere, i even asked him if he said anything to him since YKNOW last time i checked, he said he was gonna talk to him about us, yet he claims he didn’t.... #surejan. but bottom line was my friend’s advice to me was “who cares” if my crush isn’t talking to me... when REALLY IT WAS MORE THAN A CRUSH AT THIS POINT, silly me knows now that boys are not to be trusted and just bc they say all this lovey dovey deep stuff to u and make it seem like they truly r falling for u, it might not be the case.... but at the time i really thought we loved n cared about eachother on a way deeper level than just crushing so I WAS OBVIOUSLY RLY UPSET, and for my friend to say to just get over it pissed me off to no end. ESPECIALLY BC HE LITERALLY SAID “i dont get why you like him when he’s nowhere near as interesting as i am.” HE REALLY SAID THAT. MY FRIEND. SAID THAT. AS IF THAT’S GONNA MAKE ME FEEL ANY BETTER. and i kept saying it’s not that simple i can’t just get over it or move on if he’s being weird and not talking to me as much... he was trying to tell me it was UNHEALTHY for me to be upset if he wasn’t responding to me (to be clear the point wasn’t that he wasn’t answering, it was that after talking nonstop every day all day and building that trust with eachother and being so sweet to eachother, he went from all that to just one word answers and barely talking. like clearly somehting was wrong and he wouldn’t tell me what it was which scared me, THAT is what was upsetting me. i can handle someone not responding. just fyi.) ,,,,,, so my friend would say that was unhealthy yet him getting mad at me and being jealous if i hung out with other people was totally normal??? ok. ALSO, A SIDE NOTE, i have ANOTHER friend, we’ll call him jim for now just so things don’t get confusing..... while all this stuff with my crush was going on, me, my friend, jim, and a few others were hanging out and food was involved so we were on line to get food and jim put some on my plate for me. really not a big deal....... i do that for people all the time and my friends do it for me like it really IS NOT THAT DEEP. YET MY FRIEND TEXTS ME THAT NIGHT SAYING ‘i need to talk to u........... i think u and jim are in a secret relationship or he’s in love with u bc he put food on ur plate for you and u just said thank you and moved on like it was nothing.’ LIKE. HE REALLY. FUCKING. SAID. THAT. !!!!. Guys. help. when i say i laughed for 15 minutes I REALLY WAS ROLLING. this guy was getting heated bc a friend put food on my plate for me. fast forward to my friend having a party, jim was there, a bunch of friends were there and we were drinking so we stayed overnight but everyone had left by morning and i was the only one there. so finally my friend gets to hang out w me one on one for a few hours. we were just shooting the shit, talking, watching tv. whatever. we also talked about my crush and once again my friend was saying to just get over it which pissed me off. i also ended up texting my crush that night bc it’d been a while and i was like freaking out over that, long story short i could tell he really was done with me so from that point on i decided if he wanted to talk to me he can come to me bc i was done looking like a fool and texting him getting 3 second responses and an attitude and making myself crazy and feeling disappointed over it. so not only was my crush no longer talking to me but my friend was also being short in his responses to me from that point as well. and i tried to just be normal about it and keep it lighthearted, talking as usual with the same stuff we always spoke about, but the conversation was like pulling teeth and i was like wtf??? like why is everyone being weird with me not wanting to talk to me? and my friend who knew i was upset over the crush thing was doing it to me as well.. so i was like okay then, guess i’m on my own. a few weeks later, about exactly a year ago, my friend texted me again asking what was up and stuff and asked me out of NOWHERE if i had talked to my crush lately. keep in mind, i literally never speak about my crush or bring him up on my own to my friend bc i know how jealous he gets, if we talk about him it’s bc someone else brought it up.... so i responded saying it’d been 2 weeks but who’s counting cus yknow, I WAS HURT. and my friend goes “well clearly you aren’t over it.” ..... NO SHIT SHERLOCK YOU FUCKING PENDEJO I FREAKING ADORED THE KID AND REALLY LIKE IDK LOVED HIM I GUESS OR WHATEVER, AND GOT SOMEWHERE WITH HIM I NEVER GOT WITH ANYONE LIKE I /NEVER/ FELT THAT WAY BEFORE ABOUT ANOTHER PERSON AND NEVER EXPERIENCED THOSE FEELINGS SO OBVIOUSLY. I WASN’T GONNA BE OVER IT. YOU STUPID FUCK. but anyways... i basically said that to him in nicer words lol and once again he was like get over it.... so i went to bed upset over it cus idek why he brought that up... also keep in mind, my friend and my crush no longer spoke to eachother either. they pretty much stopped talking when the two of them started talking to me one on one if that makes sense... they’d talk here and there but their ‘friendship’ ended when our friendships began. anyways. i woke up the next day and my friend texted me saying “I TALKED TO [insert crushes name here]” ....... EXCUSE ME YOU FUCKING CUNT BAG. WHEN THE HELL DID I ASK YOU TO TALK TO HIM???????? DID I EVER SAY “pls ask him what happened between us”...... NO. I REALLY DIDN’T. SO WHY. WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT AND MEDDLE IN MY LIFE ONCE AGAIN? and my friend told me “I don’t need to get into details bc i don’t wanna hurt your feelings, but he said he did not like you anymore and said he was done.” yeah WAY TO SPARE MY FUCKING FEELINGS YOU COCKMOUTH. guys i cannot even begin to explain the emotions at that point i didn’t know whether to be heartbroken or infuriated or both but i was fucking upset let me tell you. i mean, it was pretty obvious my crush was done with me but this was somewhat of an actual confirmation bc at that point i still held out some bit of hope that he might try and talk to me again but clearly it wasn’t happening. so my friend goes “well at least now you know the truth” AS IF HE WAS DOING ME A FAVOR. and then i was really fucking sad and even more depressed than usual, and my friend seemed like he was annoyed with me for still being upset over it... first of all you assface, there’s no time period for how long someone is “allowed” to be sad over something and for ME ESPECIALLY, THE MOST EMOTIONAL PERSON ON EARTH, two weeks is definitely not long enough for me to be sad so you can shut up. but anyway, after that, we really didn’t talk much until the end of that month. i hadn’t heard from my crush either until one day he liked a few of my pictures... i also noticed he and my friend were interacting on social media as well, and that night my friend messaged me for the first time in a while saying he was going to visit our old school and asked if i wanted to come say hi to everyone. he also invited jim. interesting considering they hated eachother but anyway. i found it a BIT peculiar that this was all happening at once but i hadn’t seen my friends in a while so i went, and he “casually” mentioned that “[crush]” wanted to meet up with him so we were meeting up with him or whatever. at this point i was like WTFWTFWTF even tho i had a feeling that was what was gonna happen anyway. but i was really taken aback, cus like, my friend knew how i felt about the situation and how upset i was and i was shocked he didn’t even ask me about it first, but i didnt have much of a choice at this point so... we met up with him and it was so fucking awkward bc he really was gonna pretend like NONE OF WHAT WE HAD OR DID OR SAID OVER THE SUMMER EVER EVEN HAPPENED, and he was being so quiet... i just carried on being normal myself masking the fact that i was having major internal anxiety but if he was gonna act like nothing happened so was i. we met up with our other friends and it was fun, my crush barely spoke to me and my friend also barely spoke to me, they pretty much spoke to eachother the whole time and when i tried to interject or contribute to the convo they’d basically ignore me or just go ‘haha......’ or some shit. so i was really like ???? WHY DID MY FRIEND EVEN INVITE ME IF HE WAS JUST GONNA KNOWINGLY PUT ME INTO A REALLY AWKWARD SITUATION AND NOT EVEN TALK TO ME ALMOST THE WHOLE TIME. and then that night, where i feel like he’d usually have texted me to ask how i felt about the whole situation, he didn’t say shit. THE NEXT DAY THO, MY CRUSH STARTED SNAPCHATTING ME AGAIN and basically was really drunk and trying to get me back, gave me this whole sob story of how he fucked up and as much as i wanted him back obviously knew he prob didn’t mean it... but anyway, the fact that he tried that after seeing me in person and not even talking to me was just weird but i had a feeling he and my friend kinda talked about getting me to see him that day like i feel like it was a premeditated plan. anyways. things w my crush stayed quiet from that point on and so did things w my friend until ANOTHER month later when i sent my friend something that reminded me of him, he was like ‘can we be friends again?’ and i was like yeah we’re not nOT friends....... he was the one who wasn’t rly talking to me anyway so whatever. but we were texting AND WHILE WE WERE TEXTING, I GET A SNAPCHAT FROM NONE OTHER THAN MY CRUSH. i was super fucking confused since i hadnt heard from him since the last time he messaged me and also a little weirded out how they both pop back into my life at tthe same time..... but anyways, just to tie up the crush story, this is when i found out my crush initially stopped talking to me bc he felt like it wasn’t going anywhere (which is bullshit but ok, he clearly just wanted to bang me but i didnt wanna do that without being completely sure that he wasnt gonna just hit it n quit it.... so he quit it before he could even hit it i guess) and claimed we were ‘just talking’ and it ‘never amounted to anything’ which is also bs to me bc it was WAY deeper than just talking so if he wants to pretend like it wasnt that deep he’s an idiot bc he was the one making it deep. but anyways. that’s just a SHORT version of the end of that story (i was devastated i guess i consider that my first real true heartbreak and it took me SO long to finally be okay but y’all don’t worry bc I’M OKAY NOW and i’m happy. i lowkey still miss it sometimes but i’m happy now n he’s happy so like whatever. we’re cool)..... but anyways i feel like i should just wrap that story up before i get to the rest of the whole shit with my friend lol ANYWAYS ........   me and my friend weren’t really talking anymore after that, it’d pretty much be social media liking or comments but that was about it. he would message me every now and again tho to be like ‘why haven’t we talked’ and stuff like that, or if he said he missed me i’d be like ‘i miss you too’ and he’d be like ‘no you don’t.......’ and try to make ME feel guilty for no reason. and for real, our friendship was fun a lot of the time. i did miss it and i missed him too. he was a funny dude and we had a lot of common interests but most of the time i felt like i was doing something wrong or he was constantly trying to make me admit to him that he was my favorite, that i liked him the best, and was just generally possessive and obsessive and weird about it, so why keep that going especially when we had our own lives and shit. come january he wished me a happy new year and when i responded a day later (i didn’t have service) he was like “yeah, we’re not friends anymore....” ??? so wtf ????? i was like ??? he didn’t reply until like a week later saying ‘hey’ bitch what i thought we weren’t friends anymore so wtf. and the thing with me is, if you’re my friend you’re always my friend, i’ll always care even if we haven’t spoken in a while but i’ll always consider you a friend. yet this guy thinks that’s not true if we don’t talk 24/7 apparently. he’d constantly tell me ‘that’s not what real friends do...’ and that type of BS, make ME feel like a shitty friend, yet still hit me up and say hey???? but it was a vicious cycle of him saying hey, me replying thinking maybe it’ll be different and then him just going right back to saying we’re not friends. and that shit was exhausting to me. he’d text me a few times asking if i wanted to work on a movie project with him (he’s in film and i’m an actress) but i was busy with other shit and he wouldn’t take no for an answer but eventually again we stopped talking. so april rolls around and he messages me again. he’s probably jealous cus i was back with all our group of friends again including my crush, and we were all having a good time putting on a musical (i went back to help direct the show after graduating) and my friend clearly has major fomo. but he messaged me on FB asking if he could text me cus he missed me, and yknow THE POLITE THING IS TO JUST SAY I MISS HIM TOO so i said that and he goes ‘no you don’t, but okay...’ and proceeds to text me. WHY BOTHER TEXTING ME IF U THINK I DON’T MISS YOU THEN? jesus fucking christ. so he texts me and i jokingly said it was will smith (don’t ask.... it’s an inside joke and to try and keep it lighthearted i brought it up thinking he’d joke around cus yknow... EVERYTHING IS ‘JUST A JOKE’ TO HIM) and then goes ‘oh i thought i was talking to the girl of my dreams.’ there he goes again bringing it up how much he’s in love with me, he even told me he has dreams of me all the time and was wondering if i had dreams of him too... i was clearly weirded out at this point and just responded sarcastically because WTF. and then he gets mad like “i’m done. i don’t wanna play games anymore but everything is a joke with you ( !!!! are u fucking kidding me my guy), i really do think about you all the time and miss our friendship but you don’t need me anymore, i dream about you all the time, i miss what we had, i’m really sorry.” ????????????????? BITCH. WHAT. THE FLYING. MOTHER FUCKING. FUCK. !!! ???! !!?! !??!?!?!?! he really wanted to accuse ME of playing games all the time? like are u serious..... EVERYTHING’S A JOKE TO ME??? BC EVERY TIME I ASK U IF UR BEING SERIOUS ABOUT SOMETHING UR THE ONE WHO SAYS IT’S JUST A JOKE. i obviously went off on him at that point bc what the fuck ! ur the one who constantly tells me i’m a bad friend yet u still try and talk to me, if i’m such a bad friend then leave me alone! u constantly put me in awkward uncomfy situations that i put up with bc i thought you’d say i was a shitty friend if i didn’t, ur the ONE THAT’S A SHITTY FRIEND. after that we didn’t talk for about a month til his birthday when i texted him cus what’s the big deal, he wished me luck on the musical. casual. whatever. fine. then after that he started texting me again but i would just ignore it bc i really did not want to deal with that shit again, also i thought he was done with me. eventually i caved and said hi back cus i mean, i felt like a bitch ignoring him and eventually he was like ‘we should hang.....’ and i knew were the convo was gonna go so i’ll admit it. i ghosted. which is something i HATE having done to me and i hate doing it to others but why would i put myself through this bullshit again? this was in june or july. it’s september now and for about a month he would text me EVERY TWO WEEKS saying ‘steph?’ or ‘???’ or “hello...” bro TAKE THE FUCKING HINT. I DON’T WANNA TALK TO YOU. he texted me for the first time in a while yesterday and again i didn’t respond... so he messaged me on FB saying “why won’t you talk to me and text me back?” OH. SO SOMEONE YOU REALLY LIKED AND CARED ABOUT ISN’T TEXTING YOU, YOU SAY? JUST GET OVER IT! MOVE ON! IS IT REALLY A BIG DEAL? NOT SO SIMPLE IS IT WHEN YOU CARE ABOUT SOMEONE RIGHT? Right exactly, karma is a fucking bitch I hope you know how it feels now you fucking asshole. i am NEVER one for revenge and i’m not even doing this to be spiteful because really, the reason i’m not texting back is because he is a manipulative, jealous, obsessed and possessive fucking child, but it’s pretty funny how when i was dealing with someone not talking to me, he told me to just get over it and move on. yet there are dozens of ignored messages from him on my phone, where he CLEARLY isn’t over me not talking to him. maybe i owe him an explanation, sure, but why the fuck should i? just to be yelled at by someone who i really don’t want anything to do with anymore? yeah no thanks. it’s just amazing to me how he can still be so fucking obsessed all this time later. at least when someone is obviously done with me i back off and can realize when it’s over and not be a desperate bitch constantly texting them even when they ignore me 7 times. i’m not delusional i know when done is done. BUT THIS GUY. NOPE. HE STILL REALLY IS WONDERING WHY I WON’T TALK TO HIM. you know why, you dickbag. sometimes friendships just don’t work out and that’s okay, it doesn’t need to get to this point though. and the funny part? i’m apparently not even the only girl he’s done this to... the sweet talking and ‘oh but I’M your favorite right? cus you’re my favorite.’ and ‘we should hang out, like all the time, bc that’s what best friends do...’ yeah he’s pulled that shit with 4 OF MY FRIENDS. you think that shits not gonna get around buddy? he obviously has issues. it’s sad and yknow i don’t usually have problems with people, i can count on ONE HAND the amount of people i’ve had a falling out with or a negative relationship with... and i’m not one to expose people or whatever, that’s not my thing. but when you piss me off THIS much, well, sucks to suck. 

it’s been over a year, stop fucking texting me. lose my number, loser.

#i am ANNOYED #this is so long #but that felt good to let out #rant

[bankofamericavevo]

a single text frm my ex

”dude im so confused like wtf is going on???”

i’ve been polite and apologetic, so why are you like “hey so what’s up talk to me” and then like *radio silence* every week??? is this middle school? is this degrassi? anyways im sick of being terrified to text you because of how you responded with the intense blocking (???) and what alexander has said. im glad you finally acknowledged my apology, though it’s clear that apologies apparently mean shit all to you, bc i literally apologized to you multiple times profusely and honestly but you weren’t ready to talk about anything. the first time i tried to apologize you literally said “youre only apologizing out of peer pressure.” like what the heck??? do you realize how messed up that is to say to someone who cares about you and who you care about? if you really thought that, that i was capable of that, then why are you even friends with me? why do you even care enough to be mad, if you think i was the kind of person who wouldn’t actually feel bad if i hurt you? and when the hell have i EVER apologized out of peer pressure??? if im pissed, im pissed, and you know it. i lowkey ignored alexander for months when i didn’t think he acted fairly towards me when i’ve always had his back - i think i make it plenty clear. conversely, if i feel bad, i apologize and do some corresponding action(s) to show that i really feel bad, which i did. i deleted my instagram account and told you that i felt bad for what i said and that’s why i deleted it, and said i was sorry. nobody fucking MADE me do that, or even suggested for me to. just because someone might make a mistake and hurt you doesn’t mean you get free reign to treat them however the fuck you want. you didn’t even talk to me after that week and then blocked me on literally everything ??? as if i even show up that much on anything but tumblr and/or snap?? and i know what i did and what i posted was wrong, and i am sorry for it, but it was also incredibly immature and out of character for me!! and you didn’t even think to ask if i meant that, or call me out yourself like “dude wtf is that insta post about me for?” or talk to me about why i said it or how you felt about it or facilitate any sort of conversation about it. but anyways after that i apologized again multiple times to make sure you really saw that i was indeed sorry, once even in person, and at that time my whole attitude and body language was literally filled with shame and relief and joy to see you and talk to you and apologize to you. i was and always am ready to know how to improve things, in spite of all the various mental and physical problems that i have. hey, you know something? it’s almost like we’re friends and i care about you!!! and even when i fuck up and hurt you, i care about you and what you think and feel and how you’re doing!!! and what i can do to help!!!! anyways, on top of this i apologized profusely about you/to you via alexander and sabrina as well, when they literally sought me out for the sole purpose of like? reprimanding me or some shit? on your behalf and putting words in your mouth, even though they are NOT involved in our relationship, don’t know everything about me or even about you, honestly, and have no right to pass judgment and verbalize their hurtful thoughts to me, especially fucking sabrina. she NEVER texts me back or even tries to maintain a friendship relationship with me, who the hell is she to suddenly appear out of the blue to tell me she “was so happy i was growing but now i’ve disappointed her” and make me feel like some schoolchild who needs to stand on the wall during recess ????? as if she even knew any of the growth i’d done other than what was told to her filtered through your voice and mind. she never seems to give a fuck about me apart from when it has something to do with you, so what the hell? there was no reason for me to deserve that, especially not from her, someone who hasn’t had a heart to heart with me in like two years. and im sick of hearing 10 different stories about what MIGHT have gone on / be going on in your brain from Alexander and Sabrina and other people, who don’t even know all the facts or what happened or even exactly why you’re upset. every time i ask for clarification or to be told specifically exactly what all you’re mad about (because if i don’t know exactly for sure, my mind wanders to bad places and i start overthinking every single action, which detracts from the main point, leaving me with the complete wrong impression), everyone always keeps saying “you know what you did” all dramatically like this is house of cards or law and order or some shit??? like calm down! i obviously am still confused and don’t know exactly, or i wouldn’t be asking, and i obviously care to fix it and make it right or, again, i wouldn’t be asking! and when sabrina was scolding me or whatever, i literally had to correct some of the information that she was incorrectly upset with me on your behalf about. and since im assuming youre the source of that information, god knows what the hell you’re thinking, or what all your assumptions and anger are based on!!! you may even be mad about shit that didn’t even happen or isn’t true and never has been or that you assumed, all because you never talked to me!!! like when you assumed i cheated on you??? what kind of person do you think i am??? you assumed that about me, and then immediately accused me of it like im even capable of that???? like i even have enough game?? for god’s sake, you thought that when i said you were my best pal that i was acquaintance-zoning you, when i literally have talked to you every day for like 3 years and love you to bits and pieces??? and i know i hurt you this night too, and i’m sorry that was completely unintentional and caught me by surprise and im sorry i said things in a way that triggered you, but do you honestly think im like a super femme pokemon like altaria, or like roserade - when im so obviously not that femme of a person???? im not NOT femme but im no altaria?? and just because i dress up when i hang out with you, doesn’t mean that there isn’t more to me apart from how i dress? and if i say i think im monferno, and relate to that and feel that, then maybe consider that you could be incorrect and that my self-assessment might be more accurate than your assessment of me? someone like sabrina could maybe be a roserade, all pretty and fierce. but not someone like me! anyways, do you still think that? that im all femme? or that i hate you, or that i’m out to get you? or that i’d cheat on you???? because all those thoughts are all evidence that just goes on to show how bad you are at perceiving and understanding me. so do you really trust everything you maybe have assumed that you think about me or my thoughts and feelings or reasoning behind my actions without confirming anything with me?? what the hell did you even tell them anyways, that made them vilify me to that degree and treat me as though im incorrigibly horrid? i didn’t murder anyone, i didn’t cheat on you, i didn’t even break any rules??? i didn’t know what was happening in my head myself and i wasn’t ready to tell you and also assumed you weren’t ready to hear any of my thoughts/perusings in that area. but what alexander and sabrina said to me? made it sound like you’re a saint and i’m uncontrollably evil and batshit crazy (and i hate using tjat word but jesus). and that literally fucked with my brain and self esteem so badly, and you already know how crap that is (it’s what caused most of this mess in the first place) and just because i made a mistake and we’re in the middle of an argument does not mean that i deserve to feel like that, or view myself like that, or to be treated like that. what did you say to make them completely ignore and forgo my own friendship with them and treat me like literal shit as they stroked their own moral egos for telling me off in your defense? and i know you let them because alexander sent me a screenshot where you literally said he could say whatever the fuck he wanted to me on your behalf. and if you have the right to literally make most everyone i know in this state hate me to the point of them seeking me out and making me feel like an irreparable disgusting monster and then actively ignoring me for a mistake that i made, accepted, and apologized for (which you don’t, by the way, but you did it anyways, so about what i said earlier, you can say whatever you want to whoever but you need to learn to fight your own fucking battles, and you need to take responsibility for the consequences of what you tell people and what they do with that information), then i at least deserve to know what the hell is happening in your brain, why you thought it was a good idea to drag this on for so long without even directly speaking to me and allow other people to speak for you, and why the hell it is that you can forgive shruti after they ignored you for literal months, or why you can hang out with amy who literally makes your stomach curdle and makes you hate yourself to the extent that you get anxious and sick, but you can’t treat me, your fucking best friend, like a FRIEND who made a MISTAKE and is OWNING UP to it and is SO OBVIOUSLY TRYING to make it right. im not forcing you to forgive me, or even asking for you to, but your policy about not talking about important stuff that you can grow from just because it’s difficult or because it hurts you is honestly? complete shit. that’s not how you talk to people or maintain relationships with them. and just as i have shit to learn from this experience and work on, that’s something that you do too.

additionally, about what i said earlier about my misplaced guilt, i’m sorry, but that’s kind of on you. i phrased it nicely earlier, but i am NOT responsible for how you feel about my feelings (that i am not in charge of/in control of) for other people. “it feels so good to see you blog about hahn and caroline in a way that you never blogged about me, it makes me SO wet!” is pretty much what you said to me on tuesday when we facetimed. i had not slept at all the night before, was cramming all night for my chem final, took my chem final, just came out of a two hour yelling session with my best friend holly (which actually allowed us to work out our issues and im grateful she spoke to me clearly and honestly like that so we could resolve the problem as effectively as possible. so. idk what i did to make you think that i was rolling my eyes or being dismissive of her and what she said to me??? but wtvr), i had a pounding migraine, and my eyes hurt like hell. but you had asked me what happened so i just called to tell you what happened, and you like ??? suddenly start with that ??? completely unrelated topic that i am not even responsible for??? you didn’t even address the actual problem, the actual reason you actually had a right to be mad at me about!!! look, i am not yours. i like you a lot and wanted to give us a shot to see if we could work out, and i cared about you enough to try before dismissing the possibility. maybe that was wrong but i was trying my best and have learned and grown from that. i was not trying to hurt you, and i learned my lesson that it can still hurt anyways, and we already talked about that stuff and resolved it as best as we could. and i know you’re not mad about that, you get it. it might hurt, but we talked about it so you’re not mad. but what you said to me on facetime on may 9th? is NOT my responsibility. i can’t MAKE myself be obsessed with you, not that i’m even sure why you’d want me to be in the first place. i have told you repeatedly that being like that makes me feel disgusting, and is terrible for my mental health, and regardless of whether who the object of that angst is, it feels fucking terrible for me to experience and i hate it and i hate thinking like that and being like that. and you know that. and the reason i blog about it at all is because i want to flush it down the toilet, get it out of my head and out of my life, so i can breathe again before i get consumed by some trash useless feelings, but i want to be able to see what i said and thought later when i’m better, to remember that it did in fact happen because of my memory issues. and yet you were upset about me not angst blogging about you??? because you never treated me like the people i DID angst about did??? are you seriously upset that you’re so nice to me that i unconditionally love you??? and back when i did angst abt you and you saw my sideblog back in september or october you got pissed and rightly so, and i apologized then and i explained to you then too that those are my toilet thoughts?? and then i made my vent insta for being similarly salty and flushing away similar crapola thoughts like ??? like for example, im not still upset with autumn for protecting hahn back when i was mad at him. i was irritated then but i dont give a fuck now. same with the things i vagued about you - i was mad and pent up then but i dont think any of those things consistently and im obviously not mad at you now. that doesn’t excuse saying them, or make it okay, but it helps explain where i was coming from in my irritation. people say bad shit they don’t mean in a fight. that’s not an excuse, that’s a fact. people also apologize for saying shit they don’t mean in a fight. that’s what i’ve been trying to do for two months now. im guessing the blogging thing you said might have been something you don’t mean that you only said bc you were pissed, but i don’t know because you HAVENT SPOKEN TO ME. im currently still frustrated with this situation regardless of you saying to clear it from the top of my mind, and im upset and annoyed that what sabrina and alexander said to me made me feel like the worst person alive, which i know i am not by any means. bc i’ve deleted those things i said and also apologized to you for them. so like what else can i do? im not justifying my insta posts or defending them, i know and admit that they were unnecessarily mean, and a paragon example of the word Extra but im just asking you to be a little introspective. since we didn’t talk properly or clearly after that, and we were both highly emotional and upset, anything that we may have spoken about tuesday night (may 9th) does not count as us talking about this issue in a beneficial manner. and we haven’t spoken properly since, which i do Not Like. how do even know what you’re supposed to be mad at someone about if you haven’t even talked to them?

and speaking of angst, just so you know, you were so fucking wrong about Hahn this entire time. all your weird suspicions that you kept projecting onto me about me being angry because i still liked him were all fucking wrong. i emailed him on may 4th because i felt like complete shit, like i was powerless, and it was the only thing i felt like i had the power to change in that moment. it was me doing something to try to drag myself out of my own mental hellhole. and at that time he and i talked, but i did not forgive him. but then three weeks later, in the middle of this shitstorm between you and me going down, he called, crying, saying that he wasn’t ready to be friends again, and that he may never be, and that he’s sorry but he’s not at that stage. and i said thanks for respecting me and telling me that, i wish you the best, goodbye. and that ended that. so im not talking to him currently and im fine, because all i ever wanted was just to be treated like a human. and i haven’t thought about that boy angstily since and when he does come to mind? i feel nothing. just calm and normal and pleasant. so you were wrong to make me feel paranoid and guilty and gross in my own skin because YOU thought i still liked him, and also it wasn’t cool that you somehow conveyed to alexander that ME trying to DO SOMETHING for my crap mental health made you sad because i was “shoving it in your face” ??? that im somehow responsible for how you’d feel upset ??? about me FINALLY getting some semblance of peace and getting over a mental block i’ve been tormented by for MONTHS???? one that you knew all the gory little details of and still insisted that i reevaluate because you thought i liked him??? bc im sorry that it made you feel bad, but you insisted on me telling you everything always, so i did, honestly, but ultimately your suspicion that i still liked him hurt both yourself and hurt me. and my entire attitude when i told you and alexander about talking to hahn on the phone was empowered and salty and savage and relieved, not goo-goo-eyed in love or any crap like that. so there. that’s some shutting down of some of your unkind thoughts that i know are often intrusive or mean to you, and im willing to do it as many times as it takes for you to believe me. and i know that your insecurities and intrusive thoughts are not your fault, but you need to be aware of when those intrusive thoughts affect your relationships with other people, and so do i. i let my intrusive and frustrated thoughts hurt you because i was mad, sick, and sleep deprived, and that was fucking wrong and messed up. i should have shut up then and then asked you to explain to me what you felt when we both were calm and ready to talk about things. and im sorry for it, and have been ready and willing to make up for it for a long fucking time. but this is a rule that applies to everyone, and letting our intrusive thoughts hurt each other is something that we both do, and that we both need to work on in general for ourselves and the people we love.

so all in all, please stop holding your moral high ground over me until you’re ready to do it properly, so either disappear for a while like you did before and take your time to deal with it on your own and be mad or whatever, or speak up now. because i can’t stand another second of this stupid weird fake melodramatic dancing around, where you peek your head out the bushes for a moment before vanishing again. i thought we were good enough friends to grace each other with the honest opportunity to talk it out, including BOTH PARTIES communicating, even if you ultimately decided you needed space or didnt wanna be friends or whatever, since we’ve both done shit to each other in the past and gotten over it. but i guess i’m not a friend, anymore ??? in your eyes?? all because i made one mistake that i am apologetic and regretful towards. oh, and before you go to sabrina and alexander and shriya (who literally just dumped a boy and got with a new one within like two days??? and yet IM judged and “insensitive” for catching feelings after a month since we broke up?? ok 😒) and the rest, if you’re offended, maybe try considering that if someone you supposedly care about makes you upset, the normal thing to do is to talk to them rationally about it and explain to them clearly why what they did made you upset, and what you expect from them moving forwards. when you’re mad at people you love, and you’re fighting with them, most people like to try to resolve it as soon as theyre ready and as soon as possible, not drag it out for months, include everyone they know, and allow their friends to say whatever they want to them. not ignore them for months, let other people say random shit to them to stroke their own egos, and assume that everyone can read your brain and knows exactly how you feel. to axie at one point you said “they know what they done” but obviously i am still unclear about it if you don’t tell me with your own words why exactly you’re pissed??? so do with that what you will, because if you think that this mistake defines our 6 year long friendship where we’ve frankly overcome much worse shit than this, if you’re really that shortsighted and salty and naive (which I like to think you’re not) and if you think that i don’t have other shit going on in my life apart from you to deal with and spend my time on, and that i’m not strong enough to move on, then that’s your problem. talk to me when you’re ready to be real about things. it won’t kill you to be emotionally vulnerable with your supposed best friend for 10 seconds. im sorry about creating this mess. let’s try to work on fixing it. and if you’re not ready to talk about this? then let’s continue this radio silence thing. and let’s talk only when you’re ready to address this and move forward from it.