#this is long and confusing and convoluted and i'm sorry

[ebonytails]

maybe im just dumb but what is the difference between kris p and kris t?

TL;DR - They are Kris Dreemurr fictives and we needed a way to differentiate them

Oh you're not dumb, don't worry! It really is a little confusing because we haven't talked about who they or we are in a very long time. I'm going to talk a lot here so you have all the context you might need! If it''s too long,, the TL;DR above is the gist of it.

For context, we are a system! You can read about it a little in our FAQ

Kris T and Kris P are TWO Kris introjects/fictives of Kris Dreemurr from Deltarune in our system.

Originally we just had Kris T who split in Dec 2018, and then when Chapter 2 came out, Kris P came into our system after that. Of course at first, Kris T. was just "Kris", but since we had a double now, we had to figure out how to differentiate between the two. We knew another Kris fictive from a different system at this time who was nicknamed P. Kris by Susie in our system, and susie wanted to emphasize who she was talking about.

SO. As a small nod to that, everyone decided to nickname Kris P as Kris P, as an inverse of P. Kris.

A little convoluted, I know!

Besides being Kris introjects/fictives though, they also look different! I made some new drawings to try and showcase their differences if that helps :3?

Their dark world forms also look different. Kris T's is simpler, with a shiny soft cape, while Kris P's is more complicated with a hooded cape, which is also described as "very comfortable"

Here's a whole Toyhouse of images of how Kris T. looks like right now! There's also his reference ! vvv

Sorry if you weren't interested in our "life story"! They're not just random characterizations (they are alters), so I wasn't sure how to answer w/o giving you some sort of explanation.

They have their own sideblogs, so if you have specific questions directed towards them, you can always ask here because we'll see it better, or you can send them an ask in their own blogs. Kris T's is @kristalpepsi, and Kris P's is @itswhattheycallyou

#ask #Anon #fictive #fictives #headspace #ebonytailsart #Because I drew something I guess??? #Tumblr is going to be special because I think these images are going to be too haunted for Twitter and Instagram #Feel free to call Kris T. Kritty or Kris T.! #Please be nice to him. He is still a person and presents as trans and nonbinary both inside and when fronting #He just so happens to use binary pronouns. #This is all information they're willing to share publicly! Especially because this has all been public information since 2018 lol! #In regards to 'does this means I cant reblog art of them anymore or use their art as my icon/header?' you still can! It doesn't matter. #As long as the post itself doesn't say “do not use as...” then don't worry about it! :3 #Being a system in public/ online and having UTDR fictives is actually rather terrifying. Susie is just very brave about it and doesn't care #Hm what else.. this really brings us back to ogeeitsme.. when people would ask us questions about our system a lot. #Like 'what's the difference between Chara's and Kris's eyes?" We drew a whole graph for that hehe #From Kit #If I get too scared I may delete this.

[fortyfive-forty]

i've been ruminating a lot on it because i think i'm bad at putting my thoughts into words but i need y'all to understand that while there are absolutely a lot of Not Good Things about the finals being held in saudi arabia for three years...the way people seem to treat is as morally black and white is shortsighted and unhelpful.

realistically the players traveling there will be protected. it may be uncomfortable, it's certainly not ideal, but they will travel there for a few weeks, play their tennis, then leave. there are a lot of women, a lot of queer people who actually live in saudi arabia who cannot just leave, who are actually subjected to laws and social climates...and to me it just seems very disrespectful to that actual lived experience, for everybody to sort of turn their noses up and get on their high horses. of course, if the players wish to opt out, that is their choice, but that is their choice to make. that's their judgement. not ours.

and then, what about a tournament like miami? florida is literally experiencing one of the worst active regressions that i've seen in the us (granted i'm young). things like critical race theory and lgbtq+ ed are being removed from curriculums, rights for trans youth, trans healthcare, etc. are going backwards. abortion rights? gun violence? and yes i know that the laws and climate in saudi arabia are different gravy, i understand that, but my point is, no one would ever DREAM of arguing against hosting a tournament in miami despite all of these issues. and we can extend this to a lot of other tournaments! i mean, all the outrage about fifa hosting a world cup in qatar, but we don't have any of these sentiments about doha? i've seen other people bring up that the finals were hosted in singapore when gay marriage was still illegal there. we've already talked about italy's fascist prime minister. and i could go on and on and on about the war crimes of countries like the us or the uk - is the us not participating actively in genocide right now? where is the standard? if you argue against hosting the finals in saudi arabia for the reason of human rights, to me it seems you have to uphold that standard for the location you do land on. and i can guarantee, you will not find a single country in the world with clean hands.

i want to be clear i am not arguing that hosting the finals in saudi arabia is a good thing, especially for three years, especially because it's definitely going there because of money, and not for any of the "good" reasons i think some people want us to believe about "improving the region" (which is very weirdly white savior-esque anyway). i don't really have an official "conclusion" to this discussion.

what i am arguing is that i think a lot of the protests against saudi arabiahosting the finals are more an example of implicit anti-arab bias and islamophobia, rather than genuine discussion. key word implicit: i don't think most people are purposefully trying to be anti-arab/islamophobic. or at least, i'd like to believe nobody is. but i also think, particularly in the west, there is already so much of this xenophobic sentiment ingrained. and this is why i think it's really really REALLY important to check ourselves when we talk about it instead of just jumping straight to the human rights conversation without a second thought.

i'll say it plainly: i don't think the finals should be held in saudi arabia. but for me, it has more to do with sportswashing, with the dangers of the way money is thrown around in sports, and because i think it's more evidence that the wta doesn't care about player welfare but rather about making a profit (what else is new). human rights are absolutely a concern of mine, but how is it fair to hold saudi arabia to a standard that we don't seem to care about for literally anybody else?

literally look at the us's ugly ugly history, past and present, and tell me why we deserve to host a tennis tournament.

#long post #idk. this is not even all my thoughts #this is long and confusing and convoluted and i'm sorry #but i need y'all to understand it's not as easy as just saying 'oh we can't host it there' #'oh the players should boycott' #it's more complicated than that #and again i'm not really arguing one way or another #i do have my own opinion but i'm not positing that as The Right Choice #i'm definitely open to a lot more discussion on it #because i know i don't have the full perspective either #but i'm tired of seeing takes talking about how 'evil' it is to host the finals there #the way that it's happened and my suspected reasons for it (money)? yeah that's fucked up! #but just the fact that it will be hosted there...hold your horses. slow your roll #saudi arabia is like. a real country with people who actually live there and experience their own regime #god forbid they get to watch some tennis #and again. i just don't think you can ever really talk about these kinds of things and not bring up #the way countries like the us ALWAYS go unchecked #also like. gay marriage wasn't legal federally in the us until 2015. so. were do we go from here

[enbysiriusblack]

Sirius turned as he heard someone call his name, a flash of a camera followed his movements. He locked eyes with a reporter, dressed in a cheap brown suit more suited for a classroom than a red carpet event. The reporter smiled, waringly, at him.

Sirius stepped towards him.

"Do you have time for a quick interview?"

He grinned, "I thought that's what this allotted time was for?"

The reporter looked down slightly, a small blush working its way onto his face, "Right."

Sirius turned directly to the camera behind Remus, a blonde man in a long black skirt and white jumper nodded in greeting, half his face hidden by the camera in his grip.

"I'm Sirius Black", he directed to the camera, "And this is...?"

Remus' eyes widened as Sirius stared at him, "Remus. Lupin. Sorry, I'm meant to ask you questions, aren't I?"

Sirius barked a laugh, as Remus hurried to turn towards the camera.

"We're here with Sirius Black, a fantastic actor who's just finished filming his new film, the great gatsby, where he will be playing the infamous, Jay Gatsby."

Remus turned towards Sirius, "So I've heard you were a huge fan of the book when you were younger. Who was your favourite character?"

Sirius grinned again, "Jordan Baker. Beautiful but extremely self-centered, I relate to her a lot. Who's yours?"

Remus' mouth opened slightly, a twinge of confusion evident on his face, "My favourite Gatsby character?"

Sirius nodded.

"Um. Well I'd have to say Gatsby. I find his story overwhelmingly tragic and convoluted. He's so intensely in love with Daisy, and do caught up in his past with her that he is unable to move past it and lives like he's in a dream. Which, inevitably, becomes his downfall."

"Well, I hope I live up to your expectations of him."

"You will", Remus smiled slightly, staring at Sirius as he smiled back.

The cameraman coughed, and Remus turned.

"Right. Sorry. So..."

Sirius winked at him, and Remus dropped the microphone to the floor. He scrambled to pick it up and stared at Sirius for a moment.

"Fuck. Sorry. I can't remember the questions."

Sirius' eyes locked onto Remus, "How about we have another interview some time. Maybe with less people around, less of a rush."

Remus nodded slightly, his ability to speak seeming to have left at the sight of Sirius.

He touched his arm, squeezing it, and winked again, "I'll be in touch, Remus."

As Sirius turned, Remus called out, "Goodbye!"

Sirius turned, another interview having stopped him, and smiled wide at Remus.

"Well, that went well", Peter taunted.

Remus glared at him, "Shut up."

"Looked like you were going to faint right there. Maybe Sirius Black would've caught you as you fell, holding you in his arms.

Remus bit his lip to stop a smile, "Fuck off."

#a little something about the celebrity!sirius and journalist!remus i said about before #living for this au right now <33 #im so tempted to write more #marauders era #marauders #sirius black #remus lupin #wolfstar #my writing #celebrity!sirius and journalist!remus #wolfstar au

[exilethegame]

Hello! I just finished the Exile demo and it had me hooked, it was amazing!! But I’m a bit lost because I’m all new to this, the only content available as off now it’s chapter 5 right? Are you moving to another platform or app to continue? And will it be free or do I have to pay to continue the story?

Sorry for the questions, it’s just I’ve been so confused 😅 Get lots of rest and i hope u get better soon 💕

Hello! My answer got a bit convoluted so there's a short one and a more detailed one!

Summarized Answer: Yes, the demo only goes up to Chapter 5 (pt. 1) right now! Chapter 5 (pt. 2), which I'm working on now, will be the last part of the game you can play for free. After that, the game will be ported over to Twine to be finished. There will be an alpha build available on the Patreon that you can pay to play, but that will have a cap on content as well. The full content of Book One will be released for a price, though I'm not yet sure how much it will cost!

Long, convoluted, rambling answer: Chapters 1 - 5 (pt. 1) are all that's available right now, that's correct. As of now I'm working on finishing pt. 2 of Chapter 5, which will likely be another 170k words or so, and after that the public demo will be "done"!

To explain the format of the book briefly, The Exile was originally intended to be one book. However, I'm worried it'll get too big for my limited coding skills to deal with, so for logistic reasons, it has been split up into two books. This means it's one storyline spread across two releases. In those two books, there are roughly four acts, two per book. So, Book One will have Act 1 + Act 2 while Book Two will have Act 3 + Act 4.

The public demo, once finished, will be Act 1. So, you'll be able to play Act 1 for free no matter what, but you'll never be able to play past Act 1 for free.

An alpha build of the game will then be available for my Patreon, though I'm not sure for how much yet. The alpha build will be given much more frequent, though less substantial, updates as opposed to the current model of being updated once per chapter. The alpha build, as of now, is planned to only finish all of Chapter 6. I know what you're thinking, "but Pheo, that's just one extra chapter!"

To that I say: Chapter 6 is such an absolute behemoth of a Chapter that it strikes fear into the hearts of men everywhere. It's big. Real big. I don't want to get into logistics too much since that's a little too far into the future to be planning, but the point is, it'll still be a lot of content you're getting. On top of that, Patreons will be able to vote on what branches are finished first since Chapter 6 has a lot of them, so they'll be able to control what they get to play, so to speak.

Then, once Chapter 6 is done, the game will go into private development, which means no one but me and the alpha readers will get to read past Chapter 6 until the full book is finished. Then, a small but mighty batch of beta readers will be chosen to read The Exile Part One in its entirety, and then the first game will be released. You'll have to pay to play it, though I don't know what the final price with be.

... and I think that's everything!

#answered

[rosybetta]

Who’s your DnD character? And, did you defeat a dragon with the power of friendship??

I'M SO GLAD YOU ASKED

Okay so when I say "defeat", it was more like "she surrendered", but a win is a win!! I'll get to that in a second -

This is Pip! Short for Piperre, she's my houndfolk glamour bard!! I'm in the process of redrawing her to suit my current art style, so this is the best art I have of her right now lol. She's just a little ouppy that plays the harmonica and the banjo and I ADORE HERRRRRR.

Her backstory is a bit convoluted, but the major highlights are: She was kidnapped from her clan as a pup and sold to some drow royalty, where she was trained as an entertainer/handmaid/servant for the princess (yikes). She escaped with a gang of orc thieves who raided the drow castle. She acted as their "distraction" getaway person for a while, until she inevitably got caught while distracting the city watch, so she ended up in jail.

I'll put the rest under the cut bc I got kinda carried away lol

That's where this new campaign picks up! I'm a bit busier than the other players, so my character needed to be able to disappear occasionally. So I worked with the DM and we landed on this... While in jail, Pip was visited by "The Jester", the main antagonist(????) of our campaign (I think?? It's confusing). He offered to free her and set her up with a secure comfortable life far away from the people looking for her... she just had to agree to complete tasks for him on occasion. When she made the deal, she was told it would be "nothing that would weigh on your conscience", but it turns out that she just has no memory of what happens. Long story short, when the rest of the party meets her, she's an entertainer at the local inn, and disappears some nights, waking up in odd places with unexplained scrapes and bruises. But she's not gonna let that get her down!

Buncha other stuff happens that I can't easily summarize, but anyway. The green dragon stuff!! Long story short, we've found ourselves in an underground fighting competition thing, essentially a dungeon crawl where each room is another fight closer to the exit. This is the opening "qualifier" match, so we're allowed to pick our opponents, and Pip obviously chooses to face off against the other bard in the lineup. What ensues is a brief but spectacular...

BATTLE OF THE BARDS!!

Pip pulls some showstopping bardic ability shit and the crowd goes WILD, her opponent forfeits the match, and she's doing a victory lap around the ring with the rest of the party, when one of the competition organizers approaches her. Essentially, this woman "collects unique talent", and was very impressed by Pip's performance. Pip politely declines because "I don't do residencies, sorry! ^-^", and the woman is like "Oh, I Wasn't Asking". And that was the end of the session for the night.

SOOO before next session, we brainstorm a plan. Essentially, we challenge the green dragon to a fight using the terms of the competition - not to the death, but each party wagers something of equal value if they lose. We wager one of ours, for one of hers. (We suspected she was holding a beloved NPC hostage.)

She accepts, and the battle begins! Predictably, it's a TOUGH fight, but she's not in FULL dragon form, just partially-tranformed, so it's a bit easier. The turning point is when our aaracokra monk, who is kinda the glue holding our party together, gets targeted. He had just dealt some serious damage to her (thanks to my bardic buffs), but left himself vulnerable in the process. The dragon goes in for the kill, delivering a wicked slash that sends him across the ring, unconscious.

He's making death saves now. This is bad.

The dragon moves in for a killing blow, BUT that gives the rest of us a chance to make an opportunity attack against her! We had some really ulucky rolls, which we explain narratively by saying we're all in utter shock at our friend being taken down like that.

And then it's Pip's turn. She turns and makes eye contact with our aasimar paladin. The paladin nods. Pip turns back to the dragon, snarling. They've NEVER seen her this angry; it transforms her whole demeanor. That's her FRIEND, and she is ABSOLUTELY FURIOUS.

Now, some background here: When Pip first met the party, her nightly disappearances were linked to some bad shit that the rest of the party was there to investigate. There was a lot of suspicion initially, but once they filled her in on what had been happening, Pip was wracked with guilt, and swore she never knew she was a part of it all. The aaracokra monk was one of the last to put aside his distrust, but once he did, he became one of her strongest supporters. He ALWAYS had her back, assuring her that he wouldn't let anything take away her freedom again, even if they didn't know what was causing her disappearances (and apparently crimes). He was the first to run out into the ring to celebrate with her when she won the battle of the bards! He means A LOT to Pip.

So when he's taken down by the green dragon, our little supportive healer switches into fucking Attack Mode. And uhh I could just describe what I did mechanically, but it's more fun to make it a whole dramatic scene.

Pip plays the banjo, right? Well, I decided she can probably pull some bard magic bullshit to make it sound however she wants... Mostly so I could justify using a certain song for what she does next. Imagine the opening notes of this song in the following moments. >:)

She strums a sinister chord, then raises her banjo up as if it was a bow, pulling back a glowing magical bowstring. As she fires, an arc of magic shoots across the ring like an arrow. And in that split second, a deafening, discordant screech thunders from within the dragon's ribcage, shaking the earth, shattering nearby rocks, raising a cloud of dust in the air. The dragon's scales rattle, bones crack, muscles shudder as this wave of pure sound thunders all around her.

Pip cast the strongest spell she knows at the highest level she possibly could, dealing enough damage to send the dragon to her knees. This buys our paladin just enough time to slip past her and heal our monk, stabilizing him. But before the dragon can fully recover, the paladin is back on the offensive, going ALL OUT, sword blazing with divine fire, body radiating light in a way I can only describe as Going Nuclear. She tears through the dragon's wing, and that was the final nail in the coffin.

The dragon, grounded and badly hurt, cries out, "I yield!" Our monk rises to his feet and looks down at her, tired but triumphant.

And THAT, my friend, is how we defeated a green dragon with the power of friendship and incredible violence.

#SORRY THIS IS SO FUCKING LONG LMFAO #I WASN'T LYING WHEN I SAID THIS IS MY CURRENT OBSESSION #I'M CURRENTLY ANIMATING THIS MOMENT BTW

[onboardsorasora]

The way that f1 wants to enter American markets but is doing the exact opposite of what most Americans like in their sporting events — competitive and accessible.

F1 already competes with football, basketball, etc during the weekend, but by making tickets so expensive and having a convoluted schedule that makes each day a competitive session they’re just furthering the average, casual American sports fan from entering f1

they're trying to make the sport accessible while literally creating a new way to gatekeep. The amount of time I've seen, read, heard people ask 'is it quali?' 'wait, whats happening today?' in terms of sprint weekends is painful. and these aren't casual fans that ask these questions (no shade to casual fans, but if people who have been watching from they were young can't even grasp the new changes, I can't imagine how confusing it must be to new people)

you'd think they'd do some market research before attempting to plop a track in every major city right?

and its looking more and more like the US races (outside of COTA) are being initially funded BY Liberty and theyre then hiking the prices to recoup all the money they put in. thats why Miami and Vegas are so fucking expensive. youd think that the money theyre getting in sponsorship and rights and all the other stuff would offset some of it. but at the end of the day its all about profits and to be able to say that the attendance was x hundred thousand and it was super popular and profitable!

onto the next city!

I don't think theyre realizing that they've already passed the level of oversaturation. And i don't just mean in the US. In general. The season is too long, theyre doing too much with the sprints that don't reasonably make sense to the championship as a whole. Theyre introducing way too many new tracks, street tracks, instead of bringing back OG tracks that maybe haven't been on the grid since lockdown and before.

I'm sure we wouldn't be this upset with the new addition of all these tracks if instead of Vegas, Miami and Madrid it was Hockenheim, Sepang and Kyalami. Bring back race tracks built for racing! Stop making civilian life hell because you want to block off every street in the world and have drivers go vroom around them. Do you know how annoying it must be to randomly all of a sudden wake up to the noise of racing (and those bitches are LOUD) if this was never something you ever had to experience before?

Sorry this became a proper rant but yeah, I don't think they're truly thinking about the fans. theyre only thinking about the spectacle and even that is taking a backseat to the profits. We don't even need to go into how shitty the tv direction and actually just how poor some of the overall product has been.

#phew this was a rant. sorry anon #answered #anonymous

[icharchivist]

As someone who thought that the Lucius just had a bunch of nicknames, I’m somehow just now realizing he’s three different people??? :(；ﾞﾟ'ωﾟ'):

i'm sorry to make matter worse, but i think you meant Lucilius... because Lucius is another character who's completely unrelated to the bunch.

But yeah there's three Luci- characters whom we nickname the Lucifaces who have the same face (and same voice actor), which makes things confusing for everyone who's not used to it.

The long story short is that they're clones of one another.

Lucio is the Original

On the left is his real appearance, his real name being Helel Ben Sahar. He's one of the two Speakers of Bahamut, the God of this world. He's basically one of the most powerful person in existence. On the right is his newish appearance, and now he uses the name Lucio as he pretends to be a stage actor to infiltrate our crew. The crew knows something is fishy with him and MC saw his powers in action, but very few people knows about his real identity. He flirts with Sandalphon sometimes but Sandalphon can't stand him.

Personalitywise he's defined by the fact he's teasing and mysterious, and overly loyal to God, despite the fact Bahamut has been ignoring him and his calls for the past few thousand years.

Lucilius is his clone.

No one knows the circumstances behind Lucilius's existence. He's an Astral, one of the immortal people of the stars. He himself didn't know he was a clone if not for the fact he was plagued with dreams of Lucio's life, which made him believe God was tormenting him personally. So he developed a God Complex, coming up with plans to destroy the world and take God's place. He was beheaded by Lucifer during one of his apocalypse plans, and thousands of years later, Belial set up a plan to behead Lucifer in order to sew Lucilius's head on Lucifer's body to bring him back to life. Thus the second zombie look. Currently, Lucio has locked him and Belial in an interdimensionnel prison called the Rainbow Dimension in order to stop them from going on rampage, after Sandalphon stopped their last attempt at destroying the world.

Personalitywise he's cold, mean and calculating, the only person he ever liked was Lucifer, and no one else. He hates God more than anything in the world.

(as a side note his Japanese name is Rushifaa which is the actual way to pronounce "Lucifer" i Japanese. GBF!Lucifer is pronounced Rushiferu, a variation on how Lucifer could be pronounced by accentuating the "r" ending)

Lucifer is Lucilius's clone.

In his convoluted plan to take down God, Lucilius created the very first Primal Beasts. One of the very first (the second one after Belial, in fact) was Lucifer, whom he created to be the idealized version of himself. Lucifer was made to oversee evolution itself. he was considered the light of the skies. Because Lucifer was meant to look over evolution, he was able to evolve himself enough past his programing in order to see Lucilius's destructive way and behead him when his apocalypse plan was threatening to destroy it all. He then watched over the skies for thousand of years before being murdered and beheaded. In his last breath he passed down his powers to Sandalphon, his official replacement and the one person Lucifer always yearned for the presence of, and because of that Sandalphon often has dreams of Lucifer's memories. And because of this bond, he hasn't fully moved on to the afterlife, stuck in between worlds, watching over Sandalphon.

Personalitywise he's kind, caring and dutiful, though a little dense. Also he created coffee. God likes him. Literally Bahamut put Lucio and Lucilius on mute but he actually talked with Lucifer recently-ish and values his opinion. Which is kinda hilarious.

So those are 3 drastically different people, but they are clones of one another with various degree of knowing about it. All of them have also very unique relationship to Sandalphon and it's why the real test is "put Sandalphon in a room with them, you'll know who is who in due time"

So those are the three Lucifaces: Lucio, Lucilius, Lucifer. Three different people. Not to confuse with Lucius who has absolutely nothing to do with those guys.

It's easy once you know i swear!

The more you know then?

#ichareply #pandapillow #ichafantalks gbf #ichablogging wmtsb #here. Lucifaces crashcourse. #also sorry if the Sandalphon description is weird on Lucifer's part but Lucifer legit called him that #the other thing i could have said is that Lucifer also called Sandalphon his one and only solace #but like. if i'm talking about Lucifer's relationship with Sandalphon this ask would be out of control #i already find it incredible i managed to keep it mostly short.

[mathlann]

1, 11, 28, 42, and B for Casimira? Sorry for sending so many, there's so much I want to know 👀

From this ask meme. Thank you! Ask and you shall receive lol.

1. What’s the maximum amount of time your character can sit still with nothing to do?

Answered here!

11. How do they cope with confusion (seek clarification, pretend they understand, etc)?

She's a seek clarification type of lady. Cas will not have herself looking stupid because she made an assumption she shouldn't have. With anything genuinely important she'll make sure both parties in the conversation agree on what is being asked and what she plans to do before she does it. The exception to this is Marazhai because he will maybe let her get one question in and still won't give a straight answer 80% of the time, so in that case if she still doesn't know by Dodge Answer #2 she just goes with it until she can read whatever cue he's giving. It never ends up being that much of a problem but also he's generally not in charge of stuff like "trade routes" and "making sure the colonies don't implode" so his exception is allowable.

28. Would they prefer a lie over an unpleasant truth? 

She prefers the unpleasant truth. A lie has a high chance of making fools out of everyone involved but an unpleasant truth can at least be worked around and come to something better. Duly note that she is a bit of a hypocrite on this, because she herself is okay with lying if she thinks there's no consequences to it, like telling Heinrix she didn't know anything about the sword shards. And when the need comes for her to approach a difficult topic she will internally grind her teeth and drag her feet to avoid the conversation until something forces her hand.

42. How badly do they want to reach their end goal? 

Her end goal here being: "make the Protectorate less chaotic and get the dynasty under the control," greatly. Cas has never had a great opinion of off-worlders in general and Imperium nobility in particular and so frankly everything that happened after her arrival on Theodora's flagship was a reinforcement of all her biases. Between Theodora's neglect and Calcazar's scheming, Cas hasn't had a peaceful night since she left Iocanthos because there's just so much she needs to do, fix one problem and five more spring up. But if she can actually get things back into some kind of working order her way that will make all the difference (and stick it to a political entity that she very much dislikes, so a mighty bonus).

B. What inspired you to create them?

Oh that's a long and convoluted answer. In short I'd say she's an amalgamation of a lot of character concepts that I've played with off an on since I got the original Rogue Trader TTRPG book a decade or so ago. The CRPG is quite different from any of the FFG 40k games but Casimira being A) high Fellowship, B) Xenos-friendly, and C) probably from Iocanthos (a favorite from Dark Heresy) were going to be givens for me. I'm always looking to play high charisma PCs in general and I also really like having characters that are from the outskirts of Imperium society in some way. Also just for the general concept I'd just finished Catherynne M. Valente's Palimpsest, and I'll say the Casimira in that book is very much her vibe (alone and in parts of her romance w Marazhai) in ways I didn't know when I first grabbed the name off of her.

The rest under the cut because it's long 😅

Mechanically, since Psyker (my usual preference) wasn't fully implemented in EA, the original Cas in EA/first half-playthrough was a Death World/Commissar/Operative (conceptually similar to how I see her older sister actually). That Casimira was more genuinely "good person" Iconoclastic, which didn't quite fit what I was going for but also I didn't really know how the Iconoclast/Heretic split was going to go at the time. This Cas was practical, had some Dogmatic moments, and generally was approaching her role as Rogue Trader by trying to be a decent person/"benevolent noble" more often than not.

Then Yremeryss kicked my ass back to Act 1 and Cas was remade as a Hiver/Noble/Officer, both for the Fellowship bonuses and because at that point I'd decided Marazhai was the one for her and frankly "You. Serve Me." being the Noble's key ability was, uh, fitting for their dynamic. That Cas was going to be from Scintilla, and I made her a bit more spoiled, callous, and scheme-y, very into crime and other light heresies because she's very sure of her power as Rogue Trader and the right to do what she wants.

The current Xenoheretical, actively Anti-Imperium, Chaos dabbler Casimira emerged partway through that playthrough. She became Iocanthan again, an envoy this time, and Hiver still fit with the nomadic background. She got some of her old altruism back but it was more out of pragmatism than genuine feeling and could be overridden if she felt wronged or that her immediate want had a greater benefit. Also her being nominally a Noble but unable to meet the proper expectations of how she should act (according to Imperium standards) became a bigger part of her arc, one that ended up resulting in the Great Heinrix Divorce Arc and her darker turn with Marazhai in the second half of the game. And with all that, the Casimira I have today!

(Honorable mention vibe-wise, Bizet's Carmen, and specifically this performance of "Ramparts of Seville" conceptually influenced quite a bit of how I see her and Heinrix in that they definitely fit the "uptight man married to his job meets a mezzo soprano and they are not compatible and won't end up together but boy will they wreck his fucking life with the time they've got" genre 🤫)

#don't worry about sending too many questions I'm happy to never shut up about her #thank you! #arendaes #ask games #casimira von valancius #long post #sorry!

[ryegarden]

are you ever going to stock ur etsy with the amount of stuff you have on redbubble? (1. sorry if it usually is stocked like that, i just checked it out for the first time bcs of ur recent post 2. totally understandable if u get more profits from redbubble bcs of some cuts shenanigans idk abt 3. asking specifically bcs i rly want a poster (im confused abt posters on etsy- does that website count them as large prints?) of 'kisses upon kisses upon kisses!!!!', but the shipping is more than twice what it is on redbubble, and since id probs buy other stuff bcs i Love Art, it would rack up the shipping to insanity 4. hope this ask isn't too convoluted and that i've not come across as rude or morgana knows what negative thing, and thanks in advance if you answer!)

Absolutely never lol :') Even if art becomes the only thing I do with my time, my Etsy will never have the amount of stuff my redbubble has. A lot of people don't know this I've found - the reason is that redbubble is a print on demand site, so I put my art on there and then can basically ignore it forever and get a percentage of the sales, whereas Etsy is run by me, personally, so I create the items, make the listings, and print and pack and send everything all by myself. I hope that makes sense!

Kisses upon kisses upon kisses, as well as my other art, will probably never be available as a poster on my Etsy, because it makes shipping a nightmare for me - I'd have to send posters in a tube, but then if someone buys other items I have to send them separately, and tubes are super expensive to ship overseas, it's a whole thing.

All that said, I'm usually happy (so long as I'm asked first!!) to give you permission to print it out as a poster yourself. A bit of cash my way (into my Kofi or top surgery fund for example) doesn't go amiss, but even if you don't ask or pay.. it's not like I would know is it? Just so long as it's personal use.

#also dont worry it is not rude at ALL im glad u asked #bc a lot of people dont know how redbubble works it seems #lots of sites are like that - inprint and teepublic and teespring and bonfire all work the same way #and often artists will get angry messages because their item arrived damaged or smth when its not something we can do anything abt #bc we essentially dont run the shop at all beyond uploading artwork #rye.txt #asks #faq

[banghwa]

hey, can i ask how you were able to get such a good grasp on the hyyh storyline?? i'm asking because i've been a fan of their work for over a year but i was never able to fully comprehend the actual events of hyyh.

i have watched videos and learned some other stuff from comments here and there but the problem is that, although there seems to be a general consensus on some of the themes of hyyh, some people have different interpretations of what actually happened. not as in they have different interpretations of the meaning of the events, but rather the actual events themselves. i know this is inevitable considering the way the storyline was presented (through music videos that weren't in chronological order, mobile games (?), the notes, social media easter eggs, performances, etc.) but it's kind of discouraging to think that there will almost always be stuff you miss, you know? all the appreciation i have for hyyh comes from the few things i've been able to understand but i sometimes wonder if my analysis is completely off simply because i don't understand the storyline itself.

it seems like there's a lot of resources out there helping people understand references and metaphors but the problem is that i never actually know where their source is from (as in, for example they make a connection to another even that i didn't even know had happened).

what i'm trying to say is that i would love for you to maybe talk about your experience understand and analyzing hyyh and how you consumed it in the first place. did you just watch the music videos and hope for the best? do you think reading the works that were referenced in the story (demian, the ones who walk away from omelas, etc.) would help ones understanding of the events or is it of more help in terms of themes? did you use secondary sources? if so, do you have any recommendations for people that want to understand the storyline but are starting essentially from zero?

im so sorry this ask is so long lol. of course you don't have to answer it, i'm just really really interested in this and what you have to say, and i trust your judgement so.

hiiii omg of course! i think video essays and stuff are really great for understanding how the mvs depict the storyline and to get a good idea of the main themes and symbols, but when it comes to understanding the timeline your best bet is the notes! i got into the hyyh game veryyyyy late but i had read the webtoon when it was coming out, i watched the video analyses etc etc but it really wasnt until i read the notes that i felt like i really understood the key dates and the characters too. i think reading the books that inspired hyyh are totally secondary and not really necessary, especially that the direct references as so sparse in the grand scheme of whats concrete canon vs what is symbolism. watching the mvs first and watching a few analysis videos/posts first really helped me get interested but if you're looking to get invested in the characters, understand their motivations, and be able to link dates to the mvs i rly recommend the notes!

however, like you said, hyyh is incredible and annoyingly confusing and convoluted :') even the notes can be difficult to read bcs 1) they're translations so some details are lost or skewed and 2) there are a lot of double notes + notes that are from different timelines without any distinction of what happens when and where and 3) theyre just for the most part poorly written. like its just straight up poor sloppy writing lmao. and there's just soooo much BU content but the problem is none of it is really that consistent and its hard to gauge whats canon vs whats another attempt vs whats a hyyh/ARG nostalgia cash grab. and so its very difficult to remember absolutely everything. so honestly my advice is to keep it simple! no need to remember dates or anything, just key events is fine. the notes for the most part cover everything and there have been lots of fan translations in addition to the official book so theres always backup for more nuance!

tldr: i would highly highly highly recommend reading the notes for anyone interested in getting into hyyh, i think theyre rly the best bet for balance between canon and clarity. definitely feeds the other sources rly well and fills in a lot of the blanks!

#theres a ton of notes pdfs and translations online !! #and pls!!! i dont mind long asks at all esp hyyh asks!!! i love to answer them!!! #💌 #yoongi3 #hyyhposting

[awakefor48hours]

The Maribug Fic

[Fanfiction.net] || [AO3]

[Chapter 1] || [< (3) Prev Chapter] || [Next Chapter (5) >]

WOO!!! We're back with another chapter. Sorry this took so long. I got a violent case of writer's block and then the block passed but I still couldn't make an update to this, it was almost as if this fic was covered in a weird ooze that my brain wouldn't touch. But the ooze and block are gone and now we get to see more of the idiots.

Adrien couldn't believe it! The feelings for Marinette and Ladybug were mutual! If soulmates are real, then those two must be. They're so similar in so many ways, there were times when you'd think they were the same person.

Now that Adrien had confirmation on their feelings for each other, he tried to think how he could bring them closer together. It seems like Ladybug might be too shy to talk to Marinette and Marinette is a civilian so there's no way that she had access to Ladybug. He could try to potentially bring Ladybug to the Dupain-Cheng residence but would that be right? To just stop by uninvited and say "hey there, Marinette, Ladybug has something important to tell you." That's not fair to her and knowing Marinette, she would hate that. Then again what other way could he help? The only times when he sees Ladybug is when Paris is in danger.

The school day flew-by and Adrien was distracted the whole day. This was too important to him. Ladybug and Marinette were his friends and he wanted them to get together more than anything. But would they even want his help? Probably, therefore butting in and trying to come up with an elaborate plan to get these two to meet under non-dangerous circumstances that feels entirely natural is definitely a good use of his time.

When he got home, he immediatley rushed to his room and ignored all his homework to start coming up with a plan. This was quite difficult but it was for love. He would find a way to help his friends.

He had about an hour before and Ladybug had to go on patrol, that is unless an akuma shows up.

Marinette doesn't have the same after-school activities but she does do fashion and knowing his father, that could take up a big chunk of time. He also didn't have a clear understanding of her schedule since he was usually modeling or cooped up in his room playing piano. Was Marinette a homebody or did she go out? These are questions he feels like he should know by now. Is he a bad friend? No, no he wasn't. Bad friends don't go out of their way to make convoluted plans to get their two friends to start dating each other. He was definitely normal for this. He wished he could talk to someone else about this though but there probably isn't anyone else in Paris who would understand what he's trying to do.

He then shifted his focus to Ladybug. Ladybug only really shows up when there's a crisis around. She was very meticulous about keeping her identity a secret that he didn't really know what her hobbies are. Maybe daydreaming about Marinette was one? Yeah, that's definitely a normal hobby. He took this moment to write a note of that.

He was about to keep going until Plagg finally pipped up. "Adrien, what are you writing about?"

"I'm trying to come up with a plan to get Marinette and Ladybug to start dating!"

"What!" Plagg shouted more in confusion and less than shock. That's weird but there's no use thinking about that.

"Yeah, you rememeber that last night Ladybug said she had a crush on Marinette and today Marinette told me that she had a crush on Ladybug!"

Plagg seemed confused. "That's right, Ladybug did mention that." He then mummbled something under his breath but it he couldn't understand it. "What did you say, Plagg?"

"Oh, nothing, just a joke you wouldn't understand. But, uh, might I recommend not doing this. I mean, you could be putting Ladybug's identity at first if you do this." That's true. He didn't even think about that. "I guess that makes sense. But one little day together wouldn't hurt though. I mean… I went on a date with Marinette once as Cat Noir and my identity wasn't put in any danger."

"That's true but--"

"Also, Ladybug is super careful with her identity. Besides, the girl of her dreams like her back and after everything Ladybug's done, doesn't she deserve to know!"

"Well, what if Ladybug doesn't want this!" Adrien didn't understand why Plagg was so relenting on this. He didn't really care this much when Adrien was interested in Ladybug. Did he bond with her as Lady Noire? If he did then was she a better holder than him…? She was actually, no question about that, but he did wish that Plagg was on his side with this.

"That's nonsense, Plagg. Besides, you've said countless times that you don't understand human relationships." Adrien looked at his phone and noticed the time, patrol was starting in just three minutes. "We'll have time to talk about this later, Plagg. But for now…PLAGG! CLAWS OUT!"

I'm back baby! I like how this one turned out but I am slowly learning I like writing from Marinette's POV more so hopefully next chapter will have better shenanigans and I'll see you all there.

#my fanfiction #miraculous ladybug #ladynette #maribug #adrien agreste #selfcest

[nellie-elizabeth]

The Walking Dead: Lockdown (11x17)

I gotta say, this episode really didn't pack the punch that you'd want for a first outing after a long hiatus. It kind of felt like more of the same, making me wonder why they chose to break the season up the way they did.

Cons:

I've said this before, but watching The Walking Dead tends to cause me to just... zone out majorly. Important plot details will just slip right off my brain without making any sort of impact. There are too many characters and their motivations are too murky, too unnecessarily convoluted. You've got Hornsby doing his takeover of the other communities, and our good guy heroes trying to stop him. But then you've also got the Milton family inside the Commonwealth, and all the trouble being stirred up there. It's like a slice of a different TV show, watching the political protests and scandals happening inside this world. And earlier in the season I was praising the Commonwealth stuff for just that, for standing out and being somewhat different. But now it just feels super unmotivated, and I'm not sure what characters I'm supposed to be connecting with at any given moment.

Like, we've got Connie, stirring up a mob. Yumiko, trying to play nice. I simply don't know what anybody's endgame is here. Is this community going to get ripped apart and spat back out into the lawless wasteland of the zombie apocalypse? And is that what we want to happen, because there are evil fascists in charge?

I think what it's coming down to is an awareness of how few episodes there are left of the show. I want the ending of The Walking Dead to feel like a big culmination, not a confusing, meandering dead end.

Also, the stuff with Negan and his pregnant wife continues to make me sigh in vexation and boredom all at once. You could not pay me to care about Negan's happiness. Sorry.

Pros:

What it comes down to for me is that I still do like some of these characters, and so when I watch the show now I'm on the lookout for these little character moments, things I can grab onto. And this episode, like most episodes of the show, had a bit of that.

I liked the moment where Daryl says he'll always look after Maggie, mentioning that it's what Glenn would want.

I liked Carol making food for the kiddos, and Judith lovingly mocking her bad cooking, but roasting Daryl's as even worse.

I liked Yumiko and Magna having a check-in, Magna saying they'll never leave the Commonwealth without Yumiko, that it's all or nothing.

But honestly, these little moments are about all I can say in praise of this episode. I want the writing to grapple seriously with the plan to overthrow the Commonwealth's current leadership. Not saying it's wrong to tear down the evil fascists or whatever, but what is that going to lead to? How do we protect the community while still overhauling its structure of leadership? And how to we get Hornsby out of the picture, since it seems pretty clear we've gotta deal with that dude?

Maybe I'll be pleasantly surprised with how this is dealt with in the coming weeks. Either way, I look forward to the finale of The Walking Dead with considerable relief - enough is enough!

6/10

#review #the walking dead #the walking dead review #walking dead #walking dead review #twd

[ultraviolet-ink]

Smile - Pinkie Pie goes to Los Angelos and meets Franziska and Manfred while they’re investigating a murder case. She decides to hang out with them, despite the legal repercussions. She’s just super happy to meet new people and make new friends! Hilarity ensues. She does end up becoming friends with Franziska while Manfred still forbids her from trying to help with the crime.

Fun - While investigating, she’s interrogating the suspects. There isn’t an actual defendant because there isn’t a lead, so they have to work together to find a suspect and charge them with the murder. Manfred and Fransizka are very careful with this task because they don’t want to ruin somebody’s life, but Pinkie Pie doesn’t seem to grasp the harshness of the situation. (As a funny gag, halfway through the investigation, she switches with Manfred’s clothes because cartoon physics. Cue a very unhappy Manfred and a “This is my serious Manfred Von Karma voice” Pinkie Pie. They do switch back though.) However, she does end up becoming friends with Manfred, one way or another, whether he wants to admit it or not.

Discord - The culprit has been found— somehow, someway, their investigation leads them to the foot of a centuries old statue. Not sure where to go from here, they almost end up abandoning the case— until it starts to rain chocolate out of the blue. Confused, they hear thunder behind them, and see Discord. Turns out he was the culprit all along! And being in immortal God trapped within the compounds of a stone statue, he couldn’t help but cause a prank for people whenever they passed by, which in turn caused them to get bad luck as a side effect of his magic (think Poison Joke type stuff). Turns out this bad luck was a lot more harsh than anticipated, causing a death! Now Manfred and Franziska have to work together to fight against this timelord. (During the storyline the song is based off of, Discord does cause hallucination and brainwashing magic for both Franziska and Pinkie Pie. Pinkie Pie halfway through this arc, becomes an unlikable jerk who hates laughter, the magic making her think that SHES being laughed at, even when it’s just a snicker or even a smile. Meanwhile, Franziska ends up becoming paranoid, no longer her confident self. She ends up having panic attacks, and is very codependent on her father. Manfred is the only one not effected, because Discord claims his personality is already bad enough.) (Side note: He right tho lmao). Eventually, though, the three manage to find five other people that help them on their quest to defeat Discord, and they end up saving the day, one way or another.

Sorry this is so long, but I daydreamed about these three for a long time, so a convoluted plot is very likely lol. I’ll have a separate ask for the non-canon-adjacent AUs/stories.

👀👀👀👀 Honestly, I'm just imagining Pinkie Pie and MvK in an LA Noir type scene haha, that sounds great and hell yeah Fran gets friends!! :D This is all so intriguing! It sounds like an amazing story!!

#ask

[throwawaywhumper]

Do you need these?

Tw: Lady Whumper

Whumpee slumped in the chair, racking his head for answers. The clock was ticking down, he knew he needed to think quick.

"I don't know I-I just..."

And suddenly, in the nick of time, an epiphany.

"For balance! I need them for balance, so that I don't trip and spill your tea and make a mess?"

Whumper tapped the side of her face with the flat of her knife in thought as she looked at the stopwatch. The answer came just in time...a shame. She sighed and stood up from her own chair.

"I guess that's a good enough answer. You can keep your toes."

"Th-thank you ma'am..." Whumpee replied with a weak smile. There was no happiness behind it, just relief.

"How about your tongue?"

Whumpee looked up in confusion. "I'm sorry?"

"Your tongue." Whumper repeated, gesturing with the knife. "Give me a good reason why I shouldn't cut it out. Why should you keep it?"

"B-because I need to eat, and its-"

"I said a good reason." Whumper folded her arms expectantly, much to the chagrin of whumpee.

"To...to reply when you ask me questions, ma'am."

"That's much better. Now how about those eyes?"

Whumpee squirmed uncomfortably in the chair, burning under the ceaseless gaze of whumper. And so, he answered her question. And the one after that, and the one after that, repeatedly justifying the existence of his eyes, ears, mouth, nose, arms, lungs, teeth, spine, everything. By the end of the questioning, whumpee felt his brain throbbing from the effort of searching for the increasingly convoluted answers whumper wanted to hear.

"Whumpee, I think its time for a bit of reflection, yeah?" Whumper took a few steps closer, and scooched her chair directly in front of whumpee. As she took a seat, she positioned her knife just under whumpee's chin. "What did we learn today? Give me one good reason why you should keep your body. Think carefully about this one, the price for an incorrect answer is a little bit more expensive."

Whumpee looked at whumper wordlessly for a few moments, the feeling of cold, sharp metal so close to his throat making speaking feel like a dangerous endeavor on its own. "It's...it's a trick question, ma'am."

"Is it? Explain it to me then."

"It's not my body to keep..." Whumpee mumbled. His hands tugged instinctively at the restraints behind him.

"What was that? I need you to speak up." Whumper nudged their throat with the tip of the blade, playing at the idea of cutting the skin.

"It's not mine! It's not mine, it's not my body! It's not...It's not my body." Whumpee cried, trying to pull their head back. "If-if my body's only purpose is to serve you, then this body is yours. T-to do with as you please, ma'am. There's nothing else I can do, please..."

Whumper couldn't help but smile. She hadn't even needed to get physical, but whumpee was sitting here in front of her, shaking and crying, giving himself away fully. She pulled her knife back and playfully tussled whumpee's hair as his body wracked with shivers. "That's what I like to hear whumpee, very good...say it again."

Whumpee sniffled, he knew he looked pathetic. It hardly mattered, his dignity had long since been sacrificed. "My body is yours, I exist only to serve you, ma'am."

#lady whumper #whumper #whump #whumpee #inky void #ask to tag #she's been doing so much stuff in my head lately and I'm glad I've been able to get some of it down #my writing is getting a little less horrible too again which is nice #but this whumpee is still one of my favorites he's a good boy

[realpokefarmconfessions]

WELP, guess who's back!

real quick, I want to touch on something she wrote yesterday that rubbed me the wrong way. I'll just copy-paste it here but hopefully you see what's wrong with it.

Am suddenly reminded of a story I once saw on Facebook. This one person brought up that a carnival was in town. And the person he was with excitedly talked about everything she knew about bees. He was confused, and asked her "What does the carnival have to do with bees?" Apparently, the place the carnival comes to used to be a camping ground. When she was a child, she got stung there. Because of that, she educated herself on bees. So to her, it was memory by association. Don't ask, "What does X have to do with Y?" It's not their fault that their brain works differently or makes odd, long, drawn-out, and convoluted connections. Like. I'm sorry it's confusing. But I can't help that it makes perfect sense to me. Why do I continue to help when I'm misunderstood more often than not? Are people deliberately misconstruing me to start problems? Or am I just that dumb? And yes. I know I'm reading too much into this. But when you run into the same issue over and over...

Please tell me you see it.

The person asking "What does x have to do with y?" is trying to understand. Isn't that why you ask questions? To get answers? And hopefully those answers make sense??

"It's not their fault that" bitch no one said it was? Why are you making a big deal out of this when that was clearly not the intention? Who can reasonably make the jump from carnival to bees without context? They're... they're asking for the context to understand?

"I'm sorry it's confusing. But I can't help that it makes perfect sense to me." Good for you to make that very reasonable leap in logic. The rest of us need help, but apparently we're wrong for it.

And then she make a victim of herself. Why, oh, why do I continue to be a good girl and help 🥺🥺 oh why do I continue to be an angel, a beacon of hope in this bleak black world when all I get is spit on in the face over and over?

Smdh.

No matter what happens, she's better than everyone ever!

#pfq #pokefarm q #pokefarm #pokefarm tea #pokefarm drama #pfq drama #pfqfw

[boringsideeffect]

i've been thinking about gender and my specific feelings on the matter and where i fit withing the spectrum and it's just... so complex, i guess? idk. i'm afab. i've never felt truly comfortable within the feminine gender - idk - bracket? (sorry, i literally don't have words, apparently) for a long stretch of years i haven't been truly paying those feelings/thoughts much attention (i had to focus on staying alive and somewhat sane, and then i've been in a relationship with a partner that was ignoring anything "other" about me and was trying to make me fit into a "perfect girlfriend" type person) but they have been surfacing every now and then. ever since breaking off my engagement and leaving that relationship, i've had much more time, energy and motivation to do a lot more thinking soul-searching and trying to figure out what feels right, and for some time i thought the genderfluid "label" might fit me, and to a certain extent i still do think so i guess, but i've come to realise that there might be something else, maybe? i'm getting increasingly uncomfortable with using feminine terms while speaking about myself and feminine terms being used to address me & talk to/about me. and in a certain way it feels like i still don't know anything about myself. i've spent the last four years trying to get to know myself better and i still don't know shit. i'm 32 and i'm sitting here, baffled. like, who am i even? am i genderfluid? am i. am i trans? i don't know! and who should know me better than me? no one! i know! it's a wholeass shitshow in my head sometimes. sometimes i feel like crawling out of my own skin. i've known for a long time that i'm not entirely comfortable within my own body, and my hips/thighs and boobs especially are a weird area for me. sometimes i'm like Wouldn't it be wonderful to just magically wake up with a more "masc" body. i know it's a minor thing but i got my hair cut short (again) recently and when i look at myself in the mirror (esp when i'm wearing a sports bra and a looser-fitting shirt) i get such a thrill. every time my online friends (who - btw - are so good at reading my confusing cues, like wtf you guys, you're legitimately the best) say shit like "dude", and "you're a lovely guy", and "you're a pretty boy" when i'm shamefullylessly fishing for compliments, i feel like i'm being stabbed in the chest if being stabbed in the chest was the best feeling ever. and i kinda wish i could feel like that all the time. but i'm scared. that's what it all boils down to in the end, isn't it. i'm 32 and i'm scared and i don't even know how to talk about this to myself, let alone to other people. oh and don't even get me started about the prospect of dating and the sheer overwhelming sense of terror having to either 1) explain someone else the weird, convoluted feelings that i have (and being fucking terrified of what they're going to think) or 2) bottling it up inside and trying to put up with language i'm not comfortable with being used about me. even without all this i'm pretty certain i won't ever meet someone who would be right for me, and this isn't helping. my other language (the one i'm using most offline) is also stupidly, unnecessarily gendered so that sucks too. i shudder at the prospect of being called someone's girlfriend. i'm terrified of having to explain someone else that i'd like to be called their boyfriend but i'm not transitioning and i haven't told anyone irl about all this because I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO EXPLAIN IT. sometimes i feel like i'm drowning in it. ugh.

#personal #gender thought #tw gender dysphoria #feel free to ignore i'm just trying to sort through my thoughts and having zero luck