#tomorrow i'm going to go back to working on my season 2 fix-it wish me fucking luck

[pedge-stuff]

God I just thought about an idea for pedro and reader, reading your last post...

They are in a relationship and live together. The reader is also an actress. She asks pedro to practice her lines with her. In the play, she is having a really long line, breaking up with the person ans leaving them... pedro can't continue... at night in bed they are cuddling and pedro talks about how he hated the feeling or the thought of the reader ever leaving

(changed this slightly, hope that is OK...)

bad acting (pedro pascal x gn/m!reader)

a/n: same vague universe as “marked,“ per usual.

thanks, as always, for everything.

(also I did that thing where I didn't save this on drafts fast enough and the whole fucking thing deleted so you could say im LIVID sorry if this rewrite felt rushed.)

summary: things get a little... too real.

—————————————————————————

"You can't laugh."

"I'm not gonna laugh!"

Pedro hands you his iPad, script loaded on the screen. "I'm serious," you warn him, "you had to stop last time, the acting was so bad."

"Just read the sides, baby."

You know he isn't nervous about the audition— if he was, he sure as shit wouldn't be practicing with you. Those rehearsals are reserved for his coach, or someone who can actually talk him through the scene. This was just a formality, a quick read-through for some anthological TV show about people in failing marriages. Season 2 of Oscar's old Amazon thing. With the audition being on Zoom tomorrow, the whole process feels fairly relaxed.

"Should I read it in a lady voice? Will that set the scene?"

"Please don't."

"Scottish accent?"

"Babe."

"Hmm." You clear your throat loudly, for dramatic effect. Across the room, feet propped on the desk, Pedro rolls his eyes. He's got his cheaters on, but no script— the audition's supposed to be off-book. "From the first page?"

"You're stalling."

"Ugh. Ok. Here we go." Leaning forward, you scroll to the highlighted text on the iPad. "Stop, David. You don't know what you're talking about."

Pedro's posture straightens; ever the professional, it's like watching a switch flip. The humored lines beside his eyes, little crows feet that crinkle when he looks at you, disappear completely. His brow furrows, gaze darkens.

"Of course I do, dammit. I'm done with this, all of this. It's like living in a mausoleum, Emma. I'd rather. Do you remember what love even feels like? Because I look at you, and I just... don't, anymore."

"You don't mean that."

"I do! I'm so tired of this. Life with you is joyless. Every day, I come home from work and just sit in the goddamn driveway because I don't want to come in the house. It's hard to be in the same room as you. I can't bring her back, Emma, and I miss her and I'm sorry she's dead. But it isn't my fucking fault and I wish you'd stop pretending it was."

His voice cracks, just a little. You frown as he grabs the glass of water beside him, pausing to wait, but he motions for you to continue.

"That's cruel," you read, "and you know it. That's not fair."

"None of this is fair!" Pedro exclaims. "That's the whole point. It's not fair that our daughter is dead while the girl who was driving got to walk away clean. Life isn't fucking fair. But it's life. And you've sucked all the light out of mine. I can't stand you, anymore, I'm sorry. I just can't. It's not that we can't make it work, it's that I don't want to make it work. If I never see you again, it'll be too soon. Jesus christ, I hate every part of this."

"Are you done? Have you gotten it all off your chest?"

"Don't placate me! This isn't one of your stupid therapy sessions, Emma, you can't fix this with a breathing worksheet and a roleplaying exercise. Be fucking serious. Every day I wake up and I wish I'd never met you. At least then, she wouldn't be dead, because she'd never have existed. And maybe I'd known some goddamn peace."

The page ends there, and you glance up. Pedro has his head in his hands, eyes closed.

"That was good," you offer tentatively, searching for some kind of sign as to what his next move is. He's gracious about work stuff, but you're always a little afraid of mucking up his process.

When he looks up, his eyes are glossy. "Yeah," Pedro says, croakily, clearing his throat quietly before rising from the chair. He takes the iPad back, wordlessly, shuttering the case over the screen.

"Wanna do it again? You were spot-on, Pedge, but we can go over it again if you want to."

"No," he says quickly. "No, I'm good. I'm fine. It's on Zoom, it'll be easy. I'm fine."

Weird. Just a little. Before you can dwell on his sudden cageyness, he's up, headed for the door.

"I'm gonna walk the dogs. We can catch up on Bake-Off, when I get back?"

Pedro leaves before you can answer.

— — — 

No sooner have the leashes been hung back by the door, than Pedro is beside you on the couch, all hands and light touches. It's as if he can't bear to lost contact. You allow him to reposition you, reaching a hand around your waist as you reach for the remote.

"Good walk?"

He hums, tugging you against him. Settles, finally, once you're half-reclined, back against his chest, arm around your middle. You fiddle with the edge of his sleeve as the bakers fumble their way through the signature challenge.

It's not that the clinginess bothers you— he's like this sometimes, when he's just returned home, or you've arrived in LA, or met somewhere in the middle. Every separation leaves him want for touch. It's the one thing you can't give him, while you're apart.

But he's been home a couple weeks now, in between reshoots for a new project. Been home all day, in fact, in an orbit around you while you attempted to work from home. (A little too close, frankly, but you can't really complain.)

"You okay?" You whisper, as the timer runs down on the technical bake.

No answer. Just a tightened grip on your waist, and a firm kiss to the top of your head.

— — — 

It isn't until later, in bed and half-asleep, that you pinpoint the source of the tension.

You'd have thought he was already asleep, save for the soft carding of his fingers through the baby hairs at the nape of your neck. Deep, even breaths tickle your forehead; he's curled around you, arm draped over your back. Had positioned himself this way silently, looking a little silly brooding in his Muppet-patterned pj pants.

"We're never reading lines again," Pedro whispers into the darkness.

"Was the acting that bad?"

Your attempt for levity falls flat. He is quiet, long enough for you roll backwards slightly, to get a better look at his face. A deep-set frown has taken root.

"No, it..." He tugs you closer again, tucking your head beneath his chin. If he weren't so sad, you'd call uncle for claustrophobia; your nose is squished into his jugular. But you lay still, waiting for him to continue.

"It felt too real," Pedro concedes. He inhales sharply, and you can feel it against your own chest.

The kiss you press to the hollow of his throat, doesn't feel good enough. You wiggle, tilting your head to press one against his toothpaste-tasting lips. Whiskers tickle the corner of your mouth.

"Baby, I know you were... pretending." A thin line between placating him and treading on his professionalism. "If our pretend daughter died in a car crash, I know you wouldn't divorce me for being too sad."

"It's not funny." With a groan, he kisses you again, resting his forehead against yours. "I hated saying that stuff to you. Felt too real."

The bone-crushing spooning is making a little more sense, now.

"I love you, but you're a sap."

"Hmph."

You smile into the next kiss. "A very sweet sap, though."

#pedro pascal #pedro pascal imagine #pedro pascal one shot #pedro pascal rpf #pedro pascal x male reader #pedro pascal x you #pedro pascal x reader #pedro pascal fluff #pedro pascal fanfiction #the last of us #din djarin #joel miller #joel miller x reader #din djarin x reader #din djarin x male reader #joel miller x male reader #the mandolorian

[justaredheadf1fan]

First one in the US is here

Well, hiyah!

That gif made sense seeing all the spectacle going on in Miami since yesterday. Not a fan, but what can I do?

I'm starting to think about stopping this blog not even halfway through the season. Just because with a job with such random shifts and maybe only 2-3 free weekends (Barcelona being one of them since we're attending once again) until I'm done in October keeping it up seems kinda tedious ngl. I'll see what I decide in the next few weeks, I'm still getting used to the adult life again 🤣

Press conference - Thursday

I haven't really paid attention to what was said in the pressers, plus they didn't talk about anything interesting whatsoever.

The most interesting thing was about last weekend's drama between George and Sid the Sloth due to Crofty's question. George really is a mood right now. I mean, it was just an inchident, problem with a certain someone is still that he can't take it when someone pulls the same crap as he normally does.

But that's about it. Maybe tomorrow I'll pay more attention, but there's no promises.

Free Practice 1 - Friday

Well, in all honesty, I've watched the first session without watching it. I was drying my hair while FP1 was on and I didn't really pay attention.

There was some trouble for George apparently that they had to fix before he got back on track, the track is almost brand new since they changed the shitty ass tarmac so they all needed to try different set ups to see what works and what doesn't in this new bore of a circuit. Nothing new, all in all.

Hülkengberg did crash with like 20 or 25 minutes to go and the session was Red Flagged immediately. Quick job for once, wish the FIA took it this seriously every single time.

Other than that, the only interesting enough information is having George, Lewis and Sharl respectively on the Top 3. What a sight for sore eyes, am I right? 🥹

It might be a little too late to watch FP1 but I need to take advantage of the free Friday although I'm getting up early tomorrow for work...

Free Practice 2 - Friday

Okay, not the day to watch F1, truth be told. I'm getting ready for bed while I watch FP2 🤣 I'm being so unserious today it's actually funny. Anywho.

Grape Scotch (this reference might be too "obscure"), that save from Kevin!!!!! He missed the wall by less than nothing, phew!!!

Besides that especial someone having troubles with his car's insides, the rest has been really quiet. Even though I've been busy while watching, I've been paying more attention to this one, all for nothing.

SHARL AGAINST THE WALL, NOT AGAIN!!!!!!

Geez, thank goodness it was close to the end and nothing else happened. What a bore. When I wanted some excitement I didn't mean my boy crashing!!!

Anywho, more tomorrow. I might die of lack of sleep but I'll watch from my grave then 🤣

Free Practice 3 - Saturday

Ladies and gents, I'M NOT PAYING ATTENTION. You could say that I dislike this GP and you'd be right. It's not interesting, DRS zones have been shortened, nothing's going on. You name it.

I mean, there's really no point in watching this atm. I couldn't be any more bored. This race for me looks more like a circus than a sport. Well, nowadays all of them are, but Miami is the worst representation. It's more important having celebrities and events unrelated to the sport than the actual race weekend. It's sad. I miss the old F1 so much.

It's been painful to write this crap of a "summary", because you can't even call it that. So unmotivating 🤣

I'm sorry this is such a downer, not proud of it. But I feel like if I don't even try and watch it all and make a post and everything I'd be failing my resolution toward this blog.

Anyway, I'll watch Quali later. I hope it's more interesting. I really hope it is.

Peace out!

#f1 #formula 1 #mercedes amg f1 #scuderia ferrari #aston martin racing #haas f1 team #mclaren f1 racing #alfa romeo racing #alpine f1 team #scuderia alpha tauri #williams racing #sir lewis hamilton #george russell #charles leclerc #carlos saint jr #lance stroll #fernando alonso #kevin magnussen #nico hülkenberg #oscar piastri #lando norris #zhou guanyu #valtteri bottas #esteban ocon #pierre gasly #yuki tsunoda #nyck de vries #alex albon #logan sargeant #miami gp 2023

[angel-milano]

November 20 – Personality Playlist

♏It's Scorpio Season, Babey🦂

Scorpio Personality Traits: Passionate (Read: controlling), Persistent (Read: obsessive), Strategic (Read: Secretive), Loyal (Read: vengeful), Fearlessly curious (Read: morbid) [x]

Chandelier by Sia

I'm gonna swing from the chandelier From the chandelier I'm gonna live like tomorrow doesn't exist Like it doesn't exist

Although equally as destructive, Angel can be a passionate person, going way too hard in what she does. This often is seen in the way she parties, both to have fun but also trying to numb herself to everything.

2. Bug Like an Angel by Mitski

There's a bug like an angel stuck to the bottom Of my glass, with a little bit left As I got older, I learned I'm a drinker Sometimes, a drink feels like family

Angel has had multiple "families" throughout her life, all of which have fallen apart for one reason or another. It's caused her to be isolationist, to pull back into her herself, and use unhealthy coping mechanisms. Despite the loneliness is causes her, she is controlling of her own narrative.

3. Bad Girls by Tennis

The truth you know I'll never find I'll never have any peace of mind It's true I know I'll never find I'll never have any peace of mind

Angel sees herself as a bad person incapable of ever being good, but she continues nevertheless. She is persistent in her survival, as well as her newfound goals of unraveling the mysteries of her life.

4. Gods & Monsters by Lana Del Ray

In the land of Gods and Monsters I was an angel living in the garden of evil Screwed up, scared, doing anything that I needed Shining like a fiery beacon

Over the course of finding out the truth about her family and heritage, Angel has become obsessive over how her life was fucked from the start and how it can't be fixed. She's reckless both in how she copes and also her pursuit of her father.

5. All Men Are Pigs by The Studio Killers

You are one of them Everything but femme I won't be fooled again You've got the same kind of specs As the sex of men

Angel very much plays into gender stereotyping when it comes to the ways she interacts around others, especially men. Whether it be playing along with terrible pick-up lines or pretending to be interested where she isn't. On the flip side, she'll be the first to degrade men with other women. No matter who she is with, she is strategic in all of her interactions.

6. Normal Girl by SZA

Wish I was the type of girl that you take over to mama The type of girl, I know my daddy, he'd be proud of (Yeah) Be proud of (Yeah) Be proud of, be proud, you know, you know

In many ways, Angel wishes she was normal--that she had a normal life and could form normal relationships. But due to everything that's happened, she doesn't allow herself to be, and all of her connections tend to fall apart. She is both secretive about herself and her history, but something always comes out that ruins it all.

7. Love Like You by Rebecca Sugar

I always thought I might be bad Now I'm sure that it's true 'Cause I think you're so good And I'm nothing like you

Despite all of this, Angel does want that connection and will pursue it in spite of herself. She will go into a relationship knowing that it won't work out, but is so desperate that she'll pursue it anyway, just for the moment of reprieve. During those times, always with people who she sees as better than herself, she is loyal. Until she's gone.

8. Howl by Florence and the Machine

If you could only see the beast you've made of me I held it in but now it seems you've set it running free The saints can't help me now, the ropes have been unbound I hunt for you with bloodied feet across the hallowed ground

Angel's father was a werewolf, careless and reckless in his endeavors, thus creating a child doomed to a cursed and unhappy life. Deciding to lean into it, Angel now relishes in the vengeful nature of the wolf, looking to hunt down the man who made her what she is.

9. Sinful by Marina and the Diamonds

You kicked me out and hung a rope down from the roof The Christians came out, they watched me tie my noose I spoke a silent prayer, they began crying They knew that I'd applied to hell, they knew I got in

Angel never had much of a moral compass growing up. She's fearlessly curious and will pursue the things she wants, whether or not it's good for her or others. She doesn't particularly care what others thinks and in fact enjoys offending people.

10. Oblivion by Grimes

You know it's good to be tough like me But I will wait forever I need someone else To look into my eyes and tell me "Girl, you know you've got to watch your health"

Having spent so much time on the streets and by herself, Angel has gotten to see the best, but also worse sides of people. While she has been able to hold her own and protect herself, it's given her a cynical view of humanity and how to live life. She's got a rather morbid outlook that shines through.

#swynwrimo #swynwrimo2023

[spaceskam]

Alex watched Forrest walk off stage, unable to stop staring as he walked right to him.

“So, what’d you think?” he asked, sitting at the table beside him with a smirk. Forrest’s eyes were on him and they had been since he saw him and Alex didn’t know how to deal with that. 

“It-It was amazing, holy shit,” Alex laughed, shaking his head as he tried to order his thoughts. His face broke out into a smile. 

“You think? Not too cringey? I know spoken word can be-”

“No,” Alex jumped in, shaking his head, “No, seriously. That was... Like, I got it completely. It was amazing.” He felt weird, rambling like that. He didn’t do that. He was so, so shit at finding his words. But Forrest wasn’t.

“Thank you. That means a lot to me,” he said. Forrest bit down on his lip and stared at him for a moment. Alex didn’t know if he was supposed to speak next or not. He honestly should’ve prepared something more to say, but here he was. “Let me go get you that drink I promised. What do you like?” 

Alex didn’t mean to react shocked, but fuck him if anyone had ever asked him anything like that before. Anything that had to do with his interests or asking instead of assuming. But Forrest didn’t point it out, just smiled and leaned a bit forward as if maybe he just couldn’t hear over the soft muttering of other people.

“Um, just a beer.”

“What kind?”

“Uh,” Alex felt his face turn hot. “Whatever sounds good, I guess?”

“Got it,” he agreed, tapping his fingertips against the table before standing up, “Don’t go anywhere, yeah?”

“I’m not,” Alex promised, watching him walk to the bar.

Forrest walked there, eyes never wandering to any men or women that passed him. Alex couldn’t help himself as he bit down on his thumb and kept fucking staring. He leaned against the bar to catch the bartender’s attention. He ordered two beers and carried them back to Alex, handing him his drink with nimble fingers.

“Thanks.”

“No problem,” Forrest said, taking a sip. Alex mimicked him, eyes still finding it hard to break eye contact. “So, tell me about you.”

“Wait, why do I have to start?” Alex laughed. Forrest rolled his eyes.

“Because you already know more about me than I know about you, even up the score,” Forrest said. Alex huffed a laugh, breaking eye contact just long enough to look down. He didn’t actually know where to start. ‘I’m in the Air Force, I have one leg, and I have no idea how to have a relationship with another person’? Because that sure as hell wouldn’t sound good. “Oh, c’mon, just tell me anything.”

“I’m so bad at this,” Alex laughed, shaking his head, “I-I don’t really know how to do the whole first date questions thing.”

Forrest took another sip. “So this is a date?”

Alex felt his stomach drop and his eyes widen. Oh, god, did he fuck it up already? Did he fuck it up before it even started? Fuck, fuck, fuck.

“Hey, I’m messing with you,” Forrest laughed, leaning forward in a comforting little way, “I asked you out, remember?”

“Yeah, but I don’t wanna assume anything because then that makes me kind of a dick.”

“Okay, no assuming. I want this to be a date, do you?” Forrest said outright. Alex felt like his head was spinning.

“Yeah,” he breathed out. Forrest nodded. 

“Awesome. Then it’s a date,” Forrest clarified, giving a smile that felt like it was just for him. For the first time in a really long, butterflies erupted in Alex’s stomach. “So, I’ll ask questions because I did kinda put you on the spot. Okay, so I know you like Buffy. Angel, Riley, or Spike?”

Alex tried to focus on the questions instead of the feeling. “Oh, come on, unfair to lump Riley in with those two.” 

“Oh, why not? He was a good guy who treated her well, always did what he thought was best and cared about her feelings,” Forrest said. Alex scrunched up his nose, trying to tell him that maybe he was right but he didn’t hold a candle to the other two. “Okay, fine, Angel or Spike?”

“Angel.”

“Why?”

“He’s the guy who is trying to fix all of his wrongs and is willing to sacrifice his own happiness for it,” Alex answered honestly. Forrest made a little face, half-judgy and half-playful.

“Okay, but Spike is the guy with the real redemption arc,” Forrest pointed out, “You really think about it, Angel had to be forced into that. Spike chose his way through love, you know? Angel needed a soul to be kind, Spike was able to do it regardless, he just had to allow it.”

“You have a point,” Alex laughed, “Never thought of it like that.”

“Yeah, you just have to open your perspective.”

“Says the guy who spends his free time on Nazis.”

“Hey, it’s not my fault history is a lie,” Forrest said, voice teasing. Alex shook his head again. He wasn’t exactly wrong. “Okay, next question. what’s something you’ve never told anyone?”

“Wow, you’re really just jumping in,” Alex laughed, taking another sip of his beer.

“What can I say? I’m bold.”

“Uh-huh,” Alex hummed, smiling a little helplessly, “Uh, let’s see, something I’ve never told anyone... Oh, okay. In 5th grade, this guy kept copying off my math tests so I purposefully did all the answers wrong, waited for him to turn it in, and then changed them.”

“Oh my god, what a dorky secret,” Forrest teased, but his shoulders were shaking with laughter at the idea. It made Alex smile wide and his chest felt a little tight. He felt happy.

“If mine is so dorky, you tell me something, Mr. Slam Poet,” Alex shot back. Forrest tilted his head, taking the name with another laugh and shaking his head.

“Okay, here’s something: the first time I went down on a guy, I threw up on him,” he said. Alex gasped involuntarily.

“You did not.”

“Oh, yeah, I really did,” Forrest said, wincing and shaking his head, “I proceeded to apologize profusely, clean it up, and then he blocked my number.”

“Oh no,” Alex said, folding his lips in as he tried not to laugh, “I cannot say that’s ever happened to me. Well, I’ve gagged a couple times, but nothing that bad.”

“Yeah, I’m one of a kind,” Forrest said pompously, waving his hand in the air before divulging into another round of laughter. It was quite possibly the cutest thing Alex had ever seen. “But I can promise that I’ve never done it since, I have gotten better.”

“I’ll believe it when I see it,” Alex said confidently, but instantly regretted it despite the shocked laughter coming from the other man, “Sorry.”

“Nah, nah, don’t be,” Forrest promised, shaking his head as he tried to swallow his laughter, “I deserve that.”

“I guess,” Alex chuckled, bringing the beer to his lips as he tried to hide his embarrassment.

“So, you’re absolutely sure you don’t wanna go up there?” Forrest asked, brushing past it like it wasn’t a big deal. Alex shook his head.

“Yeah, no, absolutely not,” he insisted.

“Okay,” Forrest agreed, leaning forward a bit more and resting his chin in his hands, “But let’s keep talking. I think I want to know what kind of rebel was created that one fateful day in 5th grade math.”

Alex stifled his laugh with the beer bottle, hoping to subdue those fucking butterflies that just kept fluttering. It didn’t help one bit. They kept coming, flying around more and more frantically as Forrest kept looking at him like that. 

“Why are you looking at me like that?” Alex asked without thinking. Forrest tilted his head, raising an eyebrow. But his eyes were still fond and his smile was still there. 

“Like what? I’m just listening,” he said. So that’s what that looked like.

“I’m not going to sleep with you, you know,” Alex stated firmly.

“Wasn’t expecting you too, it’s a first date and I’m a gentleman,” Forrest insisted. Alex raised an accusing eyebrow and Forrest just smiled even wider, shaking his head. “C’mon, give me a chance to woo you, Alex Manes.”

And wasn’t that a funny thing. Alex never told him his last name. And clearly that showed on his face because for the first time, Forrest blushed.

“I may have asked around about you,” he tacked on, “I was just curious, I’m sorry.”

Alex licked his lips, readjusting in his seat. Someone asked about him, tried to learn about him, knew about his family and still wanted to take him out. But then again Forrest must’ve understood that side of things too if the connotations his surname gave.

“In high school, I punched a guy in the face so hard I had to ice my hand,” Alex admitted. Forrest perked up at the fact he kept talking.

“Oh yeah?”

“At prom.”

“What a little badass.”

“Oh, that’s not even the start.”

They talked that night for a long time, getting wrapped up in stories about each other. That had a lot in common, similar interests in high school and beyond. Forrest listened and he was honest and it was overwhelming in one of the best ways.

Maybe, just maybe, Alex could understand why Riley could compete with Angel.

#i love how i was like 'I'M NEVER WRITING IN CANON AGAIN' #and then my brain was like 'unless' #forlex #forlex fic #alex manes #forrest long #roswell new mexico #my fic #tomorrow i'm going to go back to working on my season 2 fix-it wish me fucking luck

[wornoutmouse]

@midoriyaprofessionalslut

I can't even begin to describe the ask I received so I'm just going to leave screenshots😅😅

Also in the new mha season, I thought Tsu was being petty when she called Mineta Grape-Juice and Shoji Tentacle. But nope, those are their hero names.

Side note: I feel like when Mineta gets old and knows how to work his quirk better, he'll be able to control if they stick or not.

Slight racism, usual smut.

NOT PROOF READ SO LET ME KNOW IF U SEE SOMETHING

 If you imagine Mineta as in the picture above and with a mature voice, this is more enjoyable. Or you can imagine someone else entirely.. Cause even as someone who's tolerant to Mineta I can't imagine him getting any hoes much less smashing (at least not on top). It would be like watching a chiwawa top a mastiff. 

"This is some bullshit." You shuffle through various papers on your desk, each containing the receipts of Pro-Hero Grapejuice's celebratory purchases. Most of it was random appliances that could in no way be used on a day-to-day basis, but there were others….a shiver goes down your spine, there were others that were just downright perverted. "What even is a nub tickler?" 

Being an accountant was something you were good at, the numbers came easy and it was interesting to see the income and ways of business that different people in power displayed. Planning meetings and getting the occasional phone call made everything a breeze, but it wasn't what you wanted to do. Or in better words, this was not whom you wanted to work for. Even being number 6 causes the workload to be higher than should be physically possible in the hero world. That's one of the reasons you never gave praise to the rankings because no matter how low in the chain, a hero’s work is always taxing. 

Shifting in your seat you look at the analog clock on your desk. 3:45, you were supposed to come to work at 5:30 which means you once again have no time to sleep. Having these late nights had increased 10 fold whenever Mineta went up in rank even by a little. His way of celebrating was spending his money carelessly and leaving you to fix the balance. Though you supposed it may be your fault for never objecting when he barged in your office showing his trinkets as well as leaving his credit card.

"Yeah, it's time to go." You muttered as you read the words, "Dwarf Cow in the left lot of Wisconsin."

 The next hour, you take a detour from your office for the first time in months. Heading down the hall you watch the walls go from the pale greys to deep purple and violet splotches splattered along the wall before it inevitably melds into solid purple walls as you get closer to the front door of his office.

Hesitantly you knock on the door and wait until a muffled "Come in." Rings through the thick wood. The room itself was just as flamboyant as the walls leading to it. A beautiful fuchsia carpet on the floor made you realize that calling in your two weeks would have been better than walking into the Willy-Wonka factory that was this office. Various spherical decorations hung from the chandelier, and even something as simple as the legs of his desk was made up of crystal spheres.

The man himself sat perfectly balanced on a large purple ball most likely of his own creation, meanwhile, various children sat around him slipping and sliding on smaller balls in an attempt to copy him. "Ah, here is my beautiful assistant!" The compliment made you cringe as you fiddled with the end of the sleep-wrinkled white blouse you had worn for 2 days straight. "Can we talk sir? It is important." Mineta raised an eyebrow at your formal speech before shrugging. 

In an extravagant display of balance, Mineta does a handstand on the ball with one hand before flipping to the other side. "Well kids it's time for me to get done as a hero’s job is never over and blah blah blah the gift shop is giving out free plushies and you can keep your ball." The teacher does her best to usher out her students and the sound of childish screams resound down the hallway even though the door was shut. "How can I help you Y/n?" Mineta offers you his ball to sit on and you reluctantly take the offer as you grate in multiple directions in order to stay afloat. 

Mineta watches you with hidden interest as he interlocks his hands underneath his chin. "I didn't know you even knew my name?" Mineta Laughs exposing his annoyingly perfect teeth. It was hard to associate this face to the pictures you see when you search for his early years. "Of course I know your name, I stole your nameplate off your desk 2 months ago." Ah, so that's where it went  "What was it you wanted to talk about?"

You sighed, "I would like to put in my two weeks." Mineta goes slack-jawed before composing himself "Why?" Mineta looked at you earnestly, completely confused on why you'd want to abandon your post as his secretary- I mean assistant. "Working for you has become a hassle with your lack of financial maturity." Mineta mock shivers, "Oo big words, me no likey." Mineta hops onto his desk as if he weighed nothing more than paper and squats in front of you, "How about this, you don't quit and instead help me learn how to...how did you say it? Be financially mature." You lean back in your chair unconvinced that he was taking this seriously.

With the final nail ready to be hit, Mineta adds, "How about I give you a raise of 10 percent and a promotion?" You stand up in your chair with an eager grin, "That sounds great!" Mineta smirks to himself but you did not pay any mind to it. "Great, how about we discuss this over food, dinner date?" Your internal celebration screeches to a halt, " Dinner Date-" Mineta looks at you shocked, "Dinner date? Great idea, why didn't I think of it myself!?" A firm hand slides you towards the door as Mineta starts a complimentary speech giving you no room to object, "This is why I need you, you're so smart, I wish I was like you, tomorrow at 11?" You sputter trying to slip past his arms, "11 but I-?!" Mineta loudly gasps again, "There you go doing it again I'm so lucky to have you, tomorrow at 11 my treat!"

The door is shut in your face and the sound of the lock clicking seals your fate. What did you get into?

Cut to 4 years later and you are still not sure of that answer. Simply being bis accountant you had a glimpse of his perverted tendencies, but as his girlfriend, it was further exposed to depths you never could have found yourself imagining. You shuffle papers in the printing room as you do your best to ignore the faint tingling sensation in between your legs. Yet another whim you found yourself following on Mineta’s behalf despite the ever-present fear of being caught. The vibrator comes to life before going back down as quickly as it came. You toss a middle finger to the camera in the top corner of the room knowing he was watching.

"Miss L/n, can I ask you something?" You slap your arm down to your side in embarrassment. I hope he didn't see that.  Your coworker walks up to you holding a small stack of papers. "Yes, how can I help you?" The man shows you various forms as he talks, for once you were thankful for Mineta not embarrassing you in front of others. "Oh I see where you went wrong, this right here would be a 20% increase, not 18%." The man applauded you and graciously wrote down your explanation. "Thank you so much, my name is Kaminari by the way." 

"Ah hello, Kaminari, and no worries I'm always glad to help!" You turn back as your papers finally scan through but can't help notice Kaminari lingering. "Say Y/n?" You open your mouth to respond only to close it again as the vibratory comes back to life strongly. "Hmmm?!" Kaminari peers at you, your reaction was strange but he couldn't figure out why. "Um, never mind, have a nice day Miss. Y/n, maybe we can get together over coffee or something?” You shrug turning away from Kaminari in fear of your eyes rolling up. The man sways from foot to foot awkwardly before leaving the printing room. 

Snapping out of your personal flashback, you look over at your fiance signing autographs for his adoring and objectively feminine fan base. While it was extremely unnerving how unknowingly close they were to your home, you weren't resentful of their gushing.

Your engagement and your overall relationship had not been made public in fear of your personal life being exploited by paparazzi. That doesn't mean, however, the next thing you witness doesn't get your blood boiling.

A girl, no older than maybe 22 waltzes up to Mineta with the confidence of Muhammad Ali in a ring match. Her raven black hair fell flawlessly down her back with not a single split end. Almond eyes decorated with precise coal blink rapidly to draw attention to her seemingly natural eyelashes. With 4 inch wedges. a black halter top, and cuffed jean shorts, it was clear she was someone on a mission. She effortlessly pushes past the nearby fans as they stop to quack at her rivaling beauty. A smirk draws itself with her soft pink lips as she hears people muttering around and about her.

"Wow she's so pretty"

"They would look good together just look at them."

"Ugh, such an attention whore, not giving the rest of us a chance!"

"I bet a 20 she's his type."

"Is she famous?"

The chatter comes to a close as the girl hands Mineta a notebook, "Can you sign right here?" Mineta flips open the book and his eyes widen a fraction before he puts on his heroic voice, "Wow it looks like you got all of Japan's heroes in this book!" The girl smiles as she watches Mineta scratch his signature, "Don't be afraid to leave your number in there too Mr. Minoru." Mineta pauses at the statement for continuing his elaborate handwriting, "I don't think that would be very plus ultra of me so I'm gonna have to pass." Smug pride fills your chest as you watch the annoyance cross the girl's face.

Mineta finishes signing and hands her back her book, she, in turn, forces a small piece of paper in his hand before holding his chin and kissing him. At that moment nothing else mattered but beating that bitches ass as you yanked her black hair and dragged her to the ground. "This ain’t Wattpad bitch get your hands off of him!!" You turn to Mineta making him flinch with a sharp glare as you yank her hair again, hopefully pulling a few strands out. "You just gonna let her kiss you and not do anything!?" Mineta stretched his hands towards you cautiously, "Y/n calm down, if you would have given me a chance I would have settled it-" "No, settle it now!"

Your rage is diminished by the judgmental looks coming from the fans and you realize your brazen display was out of order.

"Who is she"

"I think she's the secretary l, so why is she so mad"

"Delusional just cause you're with him all the time doesn't mean you're together"

"I hope he fires her."

"This is why we shouldn't let them in Japan"

The girl whose hair you have in a chokehold stands up unbalanced before pushing your hands from her hair. Satisfied at the disheveled look of her previously perfect strands, you turn to walk back to Mineta, your anger having been sated, "Black Bitch." You turn around and go charging towards the girl again grinning when she flinches. Your rampage is stopped as Mineta wraps his arms around your waist and picks you up, "Sorry for the disturbance, we deeply apologize!"

It's almost comical how your mouth spews vulgarity that would make a sailor blush as Mineta drags you behind your apartment building. He ushers you through the back door leading to the washroom, "I can't believe she'd do that in front of me, and you let her!" Mineta shuts the door quietly, leaning his ear against it to listen out for any lingering fans. You sit on top of a washer still ranting as your blood cools down. "The nerve of some of these people is outrageous, even if she doesn't know about us that is still sexual harassment!"

Mineta doesn't look at you and instead peeks through the blinds lining the washroom windows. "I think they are gone, come on." The two of you sneak out the door and walk at a moderate speed all the way back to your front door. In hindsight, you knew that causing a scene like that was a bold move on your part. If anyone was recording the whole ordeal you knew Mineta’s name and possibly yours would be in the headlines by later this evening. 

As the last one entering, you lock the door behind you, forehead scrunched together with apprehension. "Mineta I'm sorry, I don't know what got into me. I just saw her touching you and saw red." You face away from the door with an earnest look on your face. Mineta has a cheeky look on his face that can only mean trouble. Despite your similar slim build and height, Mineta easily corners you against the door. "I know exactly what got into you." Mineta’s pointer finger taps your nose. "Jealousy."

You sighed, putting your head down nodding, "Yeah, it's not that I don't trust you, it's just-" "shhh." Mineta lips your head back up with a hand under your chin. "It's fine Y/n. It's not like I expected a perfect little cocksleeve like you to be okay with sharing." You stare blinkingly at Mineta. 'Oh, he's in one of those moods huh?' As expected from such a fiend like Mineta, he was quite possibly hard the whole time he was watching you beat that girl's ass, and for some reason that irked you even more. “Mineta I’m being serious.” The words leaving your mouth did not phase Mineta, he holds your hips and pulls you close to him in order for you to feel his bulge. 

“Oh come on, after seeing you be so possessive for me, how can you not expect me to be a lil turned on?” Mineta’s hands circle your ass before slapping it, “Made me feel special.” Rolling your eyes you lean into the lingering kisses he begins to leave on your shoulder. His grip tightens as he shuffles you to the nearest surface. “Makes me feel all giddy inside to know that you do this only for me and no one else.” Minoru unbuttons your dress pants and removes your belt, “But doing that in front of all those people was stupid.” A shiver travels up your arms from the feeling of lips caressing your ear. Mineta dips his hand into your cotton panties and immediately draws attention to your clit.

“Look at me, Mineta Minoru with a girl like you that would fight for me. Who would have thought?” You ball your fists on the table, hanging your head low. “You’re not going to make this easy for me are you?” Mineta slips his other hand beneath your blouse to cup your breasts. Short l  rub down your slit collecting your slick. The feeling was warm and buzzing just underneath your skin, the bastard was well trained on how to slowly but surely bring your pleasure to its peak and hold you there. Your muscles begin to feel more and more like jelly, you sigh “Oh God..” Mineta pushed his body further on yours, rutting against your body. Up until now, his other hand was simply resting on your skin but once impatience overcame him, he used it to pull down your pants. 

“You know this will be in articles tomorrow right?” Two fingers curl inside of you making you squeal, “Y-Yes!” Something hard and slick smacks against your bare ass as Mineta removes the bottom half of his hero costume. “So how are you going to compensate me for what I’ll have to deal with tomorrow?” You turn your head to the back with a small pout on your face, “She shouldn’t have touched you.” Mineta coyly smiles before pressing your head down against the table. “You should have let me handle it.” 

Mineta was an average of 5 inches in length with conservative girth. But so far he’s been the only man that really added proof that size doesn’t matter. Mineta pulls away from you and leans down to riffle through his pants. You hear a crisp pop of a cap being opened and a slick splatter is heard afterward. A shaky breath leaves Mineta’s lips as he lubes his cock up. Penetrating is a struggle at first, the longer it takes for him to push it in the more both of you become frustrated until he finally pulls your waist back against himself. “S-So good!” The pleasure causes his childhood lisp to slip through as he waits for you to acclimate to the stretch. 

You shift your feet when Mineta refrains from moving. "Tsk, you really don't understand the meaning of patience do you?" Your hands suddenly become cool to the touch as Mineta covers them with medium sized spheres temporarily gluing you to the table. "Mineta this isn't fair! Please just a little bit to the left!" Now having you helpless Mineta puts one hand on your back while stroking the base of his cock. "It's not about being fair, it is about teaching a sneaky brat like you to know their place." Mineta begins to move but it's not right, he needs to go more to the left, "Mineta what are you even talking about!?!" 

A sigh leaves Mineta's lips, "Don't think I forgot about that slick shit you tried to pull with Kaminari." Mineta watches your ad shake and bounce everytime your hips meet. Your arms twitch and pull at themselves wanting to find purchase on the flat surface. Groans leave your lips as Mineta comes closer to hitting your spot,  "Slick shit?! Y-You're the one that wanted to do that stupid little piano in the first place!" You couldn't see it but Mineta had a deep seated glare on his face. He loops his fingers underneath his yellow scarf and rolls it around long ways. 

"I'm really tierd of your mouth. What you think because I let you beat that girl out their I'll let you beat me?" The middle of the scarf is put in your mouth and your head is pulled back by it. Mineta holds both ends of the scarf to slam into your cunt. "Just a greedy little bitch aren't you?" You scream into the cloth as Minetas cock finally hits your spot just right. The constant pulling on the corner of your mouth burned everytime the fabric rubbed against the sensitive flesh. Your feet rise to your toes in a fruitless attempt at getting a break from the pleasure. Mineta holds his scarf in one hand and pushes down your waist. "Didnt you want this? Don't run from it now."

Your pussy squelched around his cock the faster he went making you go cross eyed. "Fuck you feel so damn good.  The table rattled and scraped across the floor with every thrust. "oh fuck, I'm gonna cum!" Your nails scraped the table as you closed your fist, had you had claws it would have been a whole different story. You beared down on his cock, trying, begging to feel more inside of your walls as he moved faster. Suddenly your argument fel worth it.

Mineta knew many things about himself. He knew his birthday, he knew where he was in life, and he knew he had come 6 minutes ago and was bordering hysteria as he pumped his overestimated cock into your wet heat. Each drag made years collect in his eyes.  Tiny whimpers left his lips and his hands squeezed your sides harder and hard.  "So fucking warm. Squeezing down on my dick like that." 

He bowed his head and rested on your back,  kissing the sweaty skin as he pushed through the painful pleasure.  "Fuck, fuck, fuck!" Mineta slaps your ass  before pulling out and shoving his fingers inside your pussy. "Cum for me, Y/n. That's it cum on my hands." Mineta's fingers were the only thing that never really grew on him. They were relatively short but thick so even three of them were able to stretch your hole the way you needed. 

"Y-Yes, right there shit!" Your cum drips down his arm soiling the fabric there as you squint around him, "That's it give it to me." Mineta buried his face in your pussy licking you clean like a man starved. It wasn't until you whined did he stop and pull his fingers out. 

Luckily for you, his spheres were just about coming close to their time constraint. You stand up rubbing your wrists and drinking some water Mineta brings you. A snort captures your attention and Mineta holds up his phone, "Not even an hour." Writing in thick bold words read. 

"Obsessive Secretary Snaps on Camera!"

You snort, "I'm the obsessive one huh?" It was going to be a long day tomorrow 

[pbandjesse]

I wanted to start this post about an hour ago but I finish watching hereditary and I was so horrified that I had to take a break and watch a couple videos. I mean they were videos about hereditary so it's not like I did much to fix the situation but stop. I'll come back and talk about the movie later in the post.

Today in general has been rough. I'm very tired. Working all week teaching and then doing 3 days in a row at ships is not going to be able to work in the future. I can do overnights but 3 solid 8 hour days after the emotional struggle of teaching, is just way too much for me. Today was very hard. There were good parts. But I feel very tired and I don't know how I'm going to make it through tomorrow. If I felt like I could get away with it I would ask James to switch with me. But honestly the whole day is going to be really really tough. And even though he's doing the lunch shift I don't think it's going to make much of a difference for me.

I slept okay. But I felt pretty terrible when I got up. I let myself stay in bed for an extra couple minutes and got dressed and made breakfast. Pack my lunch. I'm headed out. I got downtown and the river rank is almost finished being put together. I found out that it's $10 per skate but they have a season pass for $150. That might be worth it for me. Since my skating classes last year were just about that and only once a week. So if I get 250 as long as I go 15 times over the season it pays for itself. I'm not making a decision yet but I might be able to work at my budget depending on how long the season is. So I'm waiting to hear back from the email I sent to find out. But that would be really nice for me. Because I could go in the morning before I have to go teach and I would really really love that.

Work was okay. It was just exhausting and I felt very done. But me and Frank open the building. And I made my charge. He said I did a good job and I even gave him attempt on folding the tin foil. I started the day at the desk and mostly played online. Read the news. James came at 10:30 and got me a donut. It was pretty chilly outside and I had brought my wool coat out of storage this morning to wear. I felt very Shippy. And it was an okay day. I always liked working with James.

I was in charge of doing the firing today. And I wasn't not looking forward to it because I do want to be fully qualified on it. But as I was getting ready I realized we only had one primer. Was. We're supposed to have 4 firings this weekend. And if my firing didn't go well the first time we were out of luck. We only had the one chance. And of course I had the most people I've ever had in a crowd watching me. But between my ramming and Frank priming it over and over again. We had a good firing. And I felt very proud of myself at the end of it. Especially because it was right on time at noon.

I had lunch and watched videos. I still felt too tired and really just wanted to go home. But I tried to make the best of it. Having lunch helped. I'll talk to some really nice gifts and was able to share some of my knowledge and stories about constellation. And that was enjoyable. I was going to the desk for a while. And then me and James are outside together. And soon enough it was the end of the day. I felt bad that we didn't have a second firing because a couple people had wanted to see it but hopefully that gets dealt with. I'm not pleased that I'm going to be there tomorrow and have to find out what's going to happen about it. I really really wish I didn't have to be there.

I had been spending basically half the day contacting Marcus from access the elementary school about picking up the cat. And I gave him James's number so they could communicate. I sort of wish I had gone to James's house so that I could help get the cat in the carrier and give Marcus some tips. These Marcus didn't end up getting to him until almost 8. And I totally could have gone over there then done that. But what's done is done and I'm glad the cat is in his new home and I really hope he drives with him. He seems like a really sweet cat even though he needs his nails trimmed.

I had dinner and I did laundry. And while my clothes are in the dryer I took a bath. And put my movie on. Hereditary was one of the roughest movies I have ever watched. Like it's beautifully shot and the story was compelling and the characters were well developed. I felt every emotion that they were going through. Enough that was in the first 15 minutes I thought I was going to throw up because of something that happened to the characters and I cried. In a horror movie I cried at the emotions that these characters were feeling. It was way too long. And the ending was outrageous. I would not watch it again but I do want to read more about it and explore some of the themes. Because some of the parts of the movie were wonderful. But I would not sit down and watch the entire 2 hour 5 minute movie again. It was just way too much for me. And I have seen some shit. Like really bad shit and this movie really upset me. But I'm glad I watched it. Because I don't know it felt like I proved something to myself about being able to focus again. So it was nice to be able to watch an entire movie. After it was finished I called James because I couldn't text him my feelings about this movie. I just had a lot I had to say out loud. But I'm glad that we got to talk for a few minutes.

I finished putting away my laundry and I checked the mail. Just sent me a package with the cutest little squishy dinosaur. So now I'm for sure getting a clear backpack to keep all of my cute charm plushies in. But really I still feel nauseous and it's daylight savings so I'm getting an extra hour of sleep so I don't feel so bad staying up to watch videos for a pallet cleanser. I'm going to go wash my face and have a snack and continue to cuddle with sweet pea who has been so affectionate tonight. He keeps trying to push his face into my nose. Wish me luck getting through tomorrow because it's going to be a lot for me. I hope you all sleep well tonight. Good night

#ootd #work #sky #grass #good day #tired #hereditary #saturday

[mittensmorgul]

I'm shook. Dean actually admitted that Chuck doesn't care, that Chuck just left and ignored all of his responsibilities. I thought Dean was pro-Chuck, I mean, he called Chuck a bestie, didn't he? I'm not sure if he really resents Chuck or he was just too depressed to think straight. I'm still shook though. (Oh, and if you're feeling unwell I hope you recover. I wish you luck. May October be kind to you.)

Aahhh, thank you. :P And yeah, I’ve been sick since Walker-Stalker Philly a few weeks ago, stupid con crud that turned into bronchitis because I am a weakling with no immune system. :D

I’ve also been debating whether I should write tonight (fic, which I have a deadline of december 2 on and I’m not even close to finished on), or if I should write a long meta on Fathers, or if I should just go to sleep and try again tomorrow. But this bit about Chuck, and how Dean feels about Chuck as an absent father figure, would factor into that meta.

I mean Dean’s always held a grudge against God since… ever probably, but at least in text as far back as 5.02 when Cas set out in search of God to help stop the apocalypse. Chuck never really grew into anything Dean could really respect any more than that, you know? Even the burden Chuck laid on him at the end of s11 wasn’t what Dean wanted. Dean had his ENTIRE LIFE ruined because of Chuck’s inability to clean up his own mess, and then suddenly Dean fixes it FOR him, and Chuck just sashays off into the sunset with Amara and again lays the entire burden for taking care of EVERYTHING at Dean’s feet… but Dean’s still just a guy doing a job. He doesn’t have Cosmic God Powers to just fix stuff when it goes wrong. How the hell is he meant to take care of the entire world?

He does try, though. Oh, how he tries. Until it crushes and breaks him.

(and whoopsie this is actually shaping up to BE that meta on fathers I’ve been thinking about, so guess how I’m gonna spend the next hour! WHEEE! *tosses fic writing plans out the window*)

I’ll start with the easiest one: Dean referring to Chuck as his bestie. In 12.04:

Gail: Do you know God, gentlemen?Dean: Oh yeah. Yeah, we’re- we’re besties.

Said with about 9 tons of sarcasm. I’d find a gif to demonstrate just how done Dean was in that scene, but he was pretty much done with EVERYTHING in 12.04. I think that nicely sums up his attitude going into that conversation.

But yes, I 100% do feel like Dean resents Chuck– for laying this burden on him and not giving him ANYTHING else. He laid this out to Chuck’s face in 11.21:

Dean: Here’s the thing, um…Chuck… And I mean no disrespect. Um… I’m guessing you came back to help with the Darkness, and that’s great. That’s, you know – It’s fantastic. Um, but you’ve been gone a – a… long, long time. And there’s so much crap that has gone down on the Earth for thousands of years. I mean, plagues and wars, slaughters. And you were, I don’t know, writing books, going to fan conventions. Were you even aware, o-or did you just tune it out?Chuck: I was aware, Dean.Dean: But you did nothing. And, again, I-I’m not trying to piss you off. You know, I don’t want to turn into a pillar of salt.Chuck: I actually… didn’t do that.Dean: Okay. People – People pray to you. People build churches for you. They fight wars in your name, and you did nothing.Chuck: You’re frustrated. I get it. Believe me, I was hands-on – Real hands-on for, wow, ages. I was so sure if I kept stepping in, teaching, punishing, that these beautiful creatures that I created… would grow up. But it only stayed the same. And I saw that I needed to step away and let my baby find its way. Being overinvolved is no longer parenting. [Sighs] It’s enabling.Dean: But it didn’t get better.Chuck: Well, I’ve been mulling it over. And from where I sit, I think it has.Dean: Well, from where I sit, it feels like you left us and you’re trying to justify it.Chuck: I know you had a complicated upbringing, Dean, but don’t confuse me with your dad.

And that’s it, really. The crux of Dean’s feelings toward Chuck. And that never really changed. Dean still had to take the burden of sacrifice on HIMSELF (carrying the Soul Bomb to Amara) because Chuck didn’t or couldn’t or just wouldn’t. It wasn’t Chuck that saved the world there, it was Dean using his words with Amara, dragging Chuck kicking and screaming into the conversation.

Okay, not kicking and screaming, more like whimpering and huddling… whatever… :P

But Chuck told Dean not to confuse him with John, and mistake his own “complicated upbringing” for Chuck’s “parenting” of the entire universe. And yet… as above, so below. And Chuck himself “chose” Dean as his mirror.

Then we have Dean’s own complicated Father Issues, from how John raised him, to how he was forced to raise Sam. As he said in 12.22 to Mary, he was forced to not only be a father to Sam, but a mother as well. And it wasn’t fair to Dean, and he hated Mary for her deal that put him in that position in the first place. What was unsaid there, but plain as day anyway, was that he hated John for it, too.

Lizbob and I were talking earlier about how Jack was describing the fact that he WAS his mother for a while before he was born, and how the very act of his birth sucked the life out of Kelly, and how that was a horrifying metaphor for motherhood, but Dean has said it himself, of Sam. Back in 10.03, when Sam was curing him of being a demon:

DEAN: You notice I tried to get as far away from you as possible? Away from your whining, your complaining. I chose the King of Hell over you! Maybe I was just … tired of babysitting you. Or always having to yank your lame ass out of the fire since … [Dean laughs.] Forever. Or maybe … Maybe it was the fact that my mother would still be alive if it wasn’t for you. That your very existence sucked the life out of my life!SAM: This isn’t my brother talking.DEAN: You never had a brother! Just an excuse for not manning up. But guess what: I quit.SAM: No. No, you don’t. You don’t get to quit. We don’t get to quit in this family! This family is all we have ever had!DEAN: Well, then, we got nothin’.SAM: Would you say that to Dad?DEAN: Dad? Oh, there’s a prize. There’s a man who brainwashed us into wasting our lives fighting his losing battle!

Sam’s “very existence sucked the life” out of Dean’s life, just like Jack literally did to his mother, just TWO EPISODES AFTER Dean broke through to Mary with his confession about the horrors of his life, and his anger over having to be both mother and father to Sam.

And this was about the point I hit my EUREKA! moment over why the idea of Dean being forced to be a parent to Jack just pushed every NOPE NOPE NOPE button in my entire body. Because he’s JUST NOW finally letting go of feeling like his entire life had been one long forced obligation to be a parent to Sam, and now here’s this new pseudo-manbaby with frightening and potentially Dangerous Magical Abilities who needs parenting and looking after that was foisted on him against his will AGAIN.

I mean, it’s like the ultimate in Cosmically Un-Fucking-Fair.

And even the notion that Cas should be responsible for “parenting” the giant nougat-loving nuke in lost-and-found clothes just… sits so wrong with me for the exact same reason. How long has Cas been a guardian to Dean? How big was the whole “You aren’t our babysitter” theme last season? That Cas never really had time to internalize before Jack hijacked Cas’s “babysitter” instincts for his own purposes?

Yes, it’s sweet and I can see that the parallels between Jack and Cas are being written really well so far, but the cutesy Cas-as-Jack’s-Daddy stuff just physically sickens me (which is saying something considering how physically sick I am as a baseline here…). I don’t think it’s “cute.” And I’m saying this as someone who LOVES Jack as a character.

Kelly (who was literally already “dead” at the point she met Cas, and was technically– according to Jack himself– already “Jack” at that point) had sized up Cas and decided that he would make a good guardian for Jack, and that Dagon would make a bad guardian for him, and took matters into her own hands in order to make that happen. Literally took Cas’s hand without his permission, after he’d declined to touch her stomach, and then forced his hand again after literally hijacking Baby and driving Cas to the scene of her “vision.” Then literally taking Cas’s hand again to force events to unfold as they had in the vision, without regard to any of the other horrors that played out as a result– such as Joshua having been killed by Dagon, the Colt being destroyed, Sam and Dean being hurt, Cas nearly getting killed, and then zapping enough power through Cas to kill Dagon, a being of a type we’ve only ever seen harmed by the Colt and the Lance of Michael. It was clear early on that Jack had Serious Power and yet we see he has practically NO CONTROL over it.

I am soooo tempted to apply a little bit of Miriam’s description of Becky to Jack… 

He sees something he wants and just takes it without a thought for who it might hurt. He took candy from the vending machine in 13.01, but… he kinda did that to Cas, too. Even before he was born, he saw the sort of devotion Cas had to the people he cared about and even if he didn’t understand WHY, he understood through Kelly that this was something he would need for himself. So he took it, even if it might hurt other people.

Just like he flung his power out at the sheriff when she touched him while he was being assaulted by angel radio. He didn’t intend to hurt her, but he was already in pain and frightened and that’s just how his power works for him right now… as if it’s “him but not him.” Almost like it’s an independent entity that’s in Extreme Self-Protection Mode.

That’s how Miriam described Dean, as someone who takes things and breaks things no matter who it hurts. But really… that’s not Dean, and that’s not Jack either– or at least not what Jack would CHOOSE to be. But from the outside, it kinda looks that way.

So, yeah, I LOVE the idea that Sam is finally getting a turn at forced parenthood from the other side of the equation. It fits beautifully with his own arc toward self-forgiveness and acceptance of his own powers and feelings of whether or not he was inherently evil because of what had been done to him as a baby. I LOVE the idea that Sam will get to experience being a father and mother to someone going through much the same things he did all his life (albeit as an adult, which was not a luxury Dean had when he was forced into a parental role at the age of almost five).

But for Dean? I’m horrified that this has been forced on him again. And for Cas? The fact it’s not something he chose of his own free will, nor gave informed consent to before he was sock-puppeted into becoming Jack’s babysitter… yeah, I find it moderately to seriously disturbing…

And for the sake little baby Jesus, I AM NOT IMPLYING THAT JACK IS EVIL. I AM NOT IMPLYING THAT JACK IS NOT “GOOD.” Good and evil are entirely irrelevant to this conversation.

But Jack’s power did something to Kelly. And it did something to Cas. It wasn’t done with malicious intent, but IT WAS DONE TO THEM. And it’s something that severely limited their free will. We’ve seen how Jack’s power works, without his active CHOICE to make stuff happen. He’s on a fight or flight sort of level with it right now, and it just happens to be set to overkill, you know? I’m sure he’ll get a better handle on it eventually, but I think it’s also going to be a vulnerability that others may try to exploit (enter Asmodeus, or potentially AU Michael, and possibly eventually Lucifer… this isn’t going to be an easy journey for Jack).

Anyway I think I’ve wandered so far off topic of your original question, but congrats, you won the Which Question Will Result In Actual Meta award this week! :P

I think it’s been more than an hour. *checks clock* *what even is time anymore* It’s definitely been more than an hour.

#kajuned #spn s13 spoilers #spn 13.01 #oh DEAN #sam fucking winchester #castiel winchester #jack nougat winchester #if you say 'mysterious ways' so help me i will kick your ass #the ghost of john winchester #winchester family dynamics #that's what free will is #the special agony of brainwashing #i know i should be sticking other tags on here but it's after 1 am and i am officially out of brain now

[qqueenofhades]

Hi Hilary, first sorry for what I'm about to dump on you - but I have no one else, and you've shared before, so on some level perhaps, you may understand. For the last 12 years, I've suffered through depression. It got crippling for a few years, but I kept pushing past it, and after that I figured I had a pretty good handle of it, even if it was lurking in the background like some mountain. Well, that mountain's grown, and the shadow dark. Most of the time, I choose to ignore it. Some days, 1/3

Some days, the only way I push forward is telling myself tomorrow can’t suck quite as much. Every day, I lie to myself, pushing forward. As I get older, still unaccomplished, still alone, still invisible, I know that my perhaps my parents and sister may be upset about my death, may mourn it a bit - but give them a year, they’ll be okay. Human beings adapt and change. And while I believe I will never take my own life actively, I can’t say the same for that passive carelessness. 2/3     

All this to say - despite the fact that I seem invisible in the CS fandom, no matter who I talk to/how much I write, online, and IRL I’m constantly overlooked. I do my best to stand out but perhaps some people just are natural wallpapers. I digress - the point is I wanted to thank you and everyone else in the fandom. CS itself, while started as a a cute little OTP, became something I lived through - the idea that two people could love each other that much. 3/3+1            

 Even if I don’t know what thats like, to be someone’s priority, Emma and Killian, brought to life by A&E and given so much depth by all of you has been wonderful. Thank you all. P/S - Don't worry about how long it takes before you see this message, the point of it was to let it out and give gratitude. Cheers, and all the best. 3+1/3+1             

Honey.

First of all, come here and let me hug you for a long time, okay?

If you ever want to come off anon and talk to me privately on messaging, I have done that for a lot of people before and I’d be happy to do it for you. In the face of what has been some pretty awful darkness for me too, and my own overwhelming anxiety and fear about the state of things, I’ve decided that the only way I am going to stay sane at all is to try to be kinder and more open-minded and trying to do whatever I can, so yes. Please, please do message me privately if you need someone to talk to ASAP -- I’m usually around or checking my phone, even if time difference is a thing (I’m not sure where you are, but yeah.)

I know exactly how you feel because I’m currently in that same place. I’ve struggled with depression for my entire adult life, and I keep thinking that as a so-called smart person, I should be able to make this stop happening. I should be able to fix it. I had a breakdown last night over that very thing, and how bad my anxiety has been, and how afraid I am of things never working out and everything else shitty and scary and awful that is happening in the world right now. I have also had that thought that if I just happened to go to sleep and not wake up, it wouldn’t be terrible, and nobody would miss me all that much.

I’ve had to deal with that kind of thinking by reminding myself that while it would be HUGELY tempting to just switch myself off for five years and go away, that isn’t how death works. You can’t switch back on when you want to; nobody has invented long-term hibernation or cryo-stasis yet. That is just science fiction. You still get only one chance at life, as dumb and terrible and fucked up as it is. And I see a picture of someplace I want to go, or think about someone I want to see or talk to, or yes, an episode of TV or a character or a ship that I want to see more of, and I realize I do still want to live and keep trying. I think CS and OUAT has been that special thing for many of us, and with the chatter about it maybe ending after this season, I can understand how stressful that is. I’ve drifted away from the show overall, but I will always, ALWAYS be grateful for the people it brought into my life, and the ways in which it’s changed me as a person. I honestly think many people would relate to your feeling of living through it, and being able to experience that kind of love vicariously.

I’ve been thinking a lot about how much human beings love stories, and always have. How in the course of reading a book, or watching a two-hour movie, or forty minutes of television a week, you can identify so completely with people who aren’t real. I think that empathy and that ability to do something like cry at the sad parts in a movie, to feel the pain of these people who haven’t existed and haven’t actually felt that pain, is one of the truest and deepest things that makes us human, and which gives me any hope at all for the future. Likewise, the way we can be so truly happy for these people who haven’t actually existed and who haven’t actually felt that happiness -- that ability to recognize, to connect, to again, do this for people who aren’t real is amazing.

If only, if only, we could be better as a species about extending that kind of empathy and understanding to the people around us who are real, who are feeling that pain, and who do really need our help. Fiction is an absolutely marvelous invention, but I wish humanity could be so much better when it comes to the non-fiction side of things. That we could understand what stories are doing to us, and what they’re trying to do for our own real life.

In the end, I have to remind myself that nobody would blame me if my head was physically smashed open, and I couldn’t THINK it back to being whole. I do my best to comfort and help and tell people it won’t last forever, and I likewise really struggle to believe it myself, that anything I do matters, that I will ever be off this awful roller coaster of a mental illness that has taken most of the last decade of my life (as I said, my entire adult life, and before that as well). But as I have said before, for better or worse, I’m still here, I see you, and you matter to me. I am so terribly sorry you don’t have anyone else to say this to, but I hear you. I hear you. I hear you. And your pain hurts me.

Come here, and we can sit together for a while.

It might not be much, but at least it’s something.

#tw depression #tw suicide #anonymous #ask