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#trans people for the fear of 'getting advice'
thediktatortot · 8 months
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It sucks how a fairly large demographic of Gen Z that makes up the online community they have are REALLY just falling into the same emotional patterns as Boomers usually do in every day life.
Asking for help isn't a childish thing. It's okay to ask for help, it's GOOD to ask for help if you need it. Not asking for help isn't an 'adult' thing to do, that's just plain ol setting yourself up for failure.
Let's do away with the Boot Strap theory and start accepting help and helping each other in our communities.
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libraford · 4 months
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Here's what's going on in Ohio right now. Heavy stuff ahead.
First, I want to apologize for the misinformation in my original post. I am still learning about legislative processes. To correct: the changes to ODH and OMHAS in regards to gender therapy are not a bill, they are changes in regulations.
This is important because citizens CAN affect rule changes. There is an open commentary period where your submissions get counted and can affect how they write new regulations.
Disclaimer: I am not a lawyer, legal advocate, or medical professional. I'm just a dude who had to have it all explained to me.
The first one is Ohio Mental Health and Addiction Services. The rules proposed would make the already prohibitive process of gender transition even harder. In order to diagnose and treat gender dysphoria, a hospital needs to have a board certified psychologist per patient, a board certified endocrinologist familiar with the age group being diagnosed per patient, and a medical ethicist overseeing the hospital's plan for transition. 'Board certified' does not guarantee that the specialist is trans-friendly. It must include a detransition plan. Hospitals would have to report compliance annually. The professionals must have a contractual relationship with the patient, but do not need to offer in-person care. (In this instance, I'll get to that in the next rule change.)
This rule also deems it impermissible to prescribe gender transition care (this includes hormones, puberty blockers, or drugs) for anyone under the age of 21 without the approval of the professionals mentioned and 6 months of therapy.
There is an exception for intersex people, who may have their sex assigned to them without their consent.
The open comment period for this ends January 19 at 5pm.
Send an email to [email protected] with the subject title: "Comments on Gender Transition Care Rules."
The second one is Ohio Department of Health and it repeats a lot of the same as the first one. However, the focus is more on the regulation of doctors and paperwork. Anyone seeking transition will be put into a registry with their name redacted, but demographics like age, agab, specific diagnosis (difficult to achieve with the new regulations mentioned above), and any medications (not just related to gender transition, but any medications at all). Any cessation of care must be reported within 30 days.
This is a lot of paperwork and can overburden hospitals.
That 30 days cessation is important because if a person transfers doctors or if a clinic closes and the paperwork isn't filed, it may count as a 'detransition' when tallying demographics, even if that is not the case.
But what's curious is that the ODH regulations DO require in-person care. The rules are contradictory and vague.
The comment period for this ends Feb 5th.
Send a comment through the ODH website
Here are some important things that were mentioned at the meeting:
This is a good time to be personal with your statements. If this would disrupt your life in any way, please say so. "I fear that" "I believe this" "I worry that"- these are great ways to start your comment. An example one person gave is "I worry that this change in regulations would force me and my daughter to move out of state.'
With that being said, anything that you send to these sites will be public record, so be cautious about what you reveal about yourself in your comment.
If you are in need of help, please reach out to one of these resources:
Trans Ohio Emergency Fund Resource Page
Kaleidoscope Youth Center
If you are in need of legal advice on how to navigate all this, please call
888-LGBT-LAW
This is not everything. There is unfortunately more because Ohio decided to break a record this month with anti-trans motions. But today I'm focusing on things that we can take action on.
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alwaysbewoke · 5 months
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our entire political system is flawed, but
you're not going to change it in one election to perfection; what you can absolutely do is make everything worse in one election. also, you can acknowledge that the system needs work and that you want more without lying and pretending as if it has produced nothing positive for you. the problem right now with many people is that you guys want an instant solution. you want an instant fix. however, there is no such thing. there will not be one election or one candidate or one bill that's going to fix this. this is going to take long-term, strategic, methodical work for us to make it right, and i can tell right now that many people are not up for the task. they're too weak, but they won't be weak enough to complain, make videos, tweets, ig posts, reels, tiktoks, blog posts and whatever whining when shit hits the fan. they'll be the first ones howling at the moon and gnashing their teeth without taking responsibility for the part they played in the shitstorm.
here's some simple advice: pack the senate and congress with hardcore progressives. hardcore progressives. and then go to your local election and pack that with hardcore progressives again. but by no means should any of us accept any talk or strategy that gives the republicans power. at some point, you've got to stop playing checkers in a chess game.
however, the problem is this point of view should have been adopted in 2016. i fear that it might actually be too late because people played checkers in the chess game knowing full well that whoever won that election was going to have at least one supreme court pick. that winner actually got three and now has set this country back for the foreseeable future. generations are going to be feeling that pain. we missed out on critical years to address climate change. the voting rights of black people have been completely undermined. the educational opportunities for black people have also been undermined. discrimination against gay people has been affirmed. we saw the death of millions of americans at the hands of a global pandemic that was profoundly mishandled, and yet having seen and experience all of this people are willing to entertain the idea of allowing those in power who did all this to get even more power again. UNBELIEVABLE! people like that deserve ridicule.
if you actually care about black lives, people of color, trans rights, gay rights, healthcare, education, palestine, dr congo, police brutality, child poverty, climate change, restoring democracy, voting rights, equitable access to all levels of education, ending the prison industrial complex, women's rights, and etc do not entertain any talk about taking actions that will give republicans power. not in the short term. not in the long term. don't let your anger and your disappointment force your hand into making things worse for yourself and others. there's already been widespread voter suppression so if you think you're going to give republicans all that power and then vote to take it away from them down the line when everything is more to your liking, you are delusional. if you really want to change things (like for real, you're not just talking shit about "progress"),here are some insightful videos:
#FuckBidenButHellToTheNoOnAnyRepublican
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genderkoolaid · 8 months
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Hi!
I (24 nb) am having a serious issue with girls my age being quite misandric and using radfem rhetoric in their speech.
The issue is I understand their fear and mistrust of men in patriarchy and with many of them having horror stories to share about bad heterosexual relationships. But i am deeply uncomfortable with misandry and i don't know how to effectively point out that no it's not good feminism to hate on men.
Do you have any resources you could recommend me to build a good argument? I want to be prepared for this kind of discussion because it keeps happening more and more frequently.
I know it's not the main topic you cover on your blog but as it is closely related to transandrophobia I was hoping you (or your followers) could still give me some advice.
I wish you a wonderful day
My advice would be to start with talking about the negative impact of misandry on women first (although don't use the word misandry, at least at first). Starting off with "it hurts men" in any regard will likely not go over well, but if you first bring up the issue in relation to a group they already really care about, they'll be more likely to listen. Also, I would reaffirm that having trauma or bad associations with men isn't the problem, they aren't obligated to associate with men in ways that make them uncomfortable or exhausted, and that they have a right to feel their emotions, be angry, be annoyed, etc. Affirm that your concern is with how their actions and attitudes could be causing real harm to others, and that anger being valid does not mean you don't need to take responsibility for how you choose to act.
Some potential talking points:
When women are perceived as manly or masculine, they tend to get viewed with the worst traits of masculinity: butches and trans women are seen as aggressive, violent predators who prey on sweet, feminine straight/cis women. The patriarchy doesn't just hurt women through their femininity, but through their (real or perceived masculinity as well.
Even inside queer spaces, butches are expected to fulfill toxic masculinity: they are expected to be sexually dominant tops, not be emotionally or physically "weak," not do feminine things, etc. Butches can get ridiculed by others, even partners, for not fulfilling these things. Things like balding and small penises, that are traditionally seen as failures of masculinity in the patriarchy, are also made fun of in queer spaces; it seems like queer spaces have issues with how they deal with (real or perceived) masculinity.
When spaces make jokes about hating men, put a lot of emphasis on gatekeeping men, etc., it makes it a lot harder for trans women and nonbinary people assigned male feel safe. Some trans women & genderqueers might not realize their gender because they are kept out of spaces that could've helped them realize because of how queer & feminist spaces act regarding men. Butch trans women and genderqueers often face heightened scrutiny because of their masculinity, from both inside and outside their communities. (Also, send them this article.)
^ As a result of all of that, maybe we need to be more careful with how we think and talk about masculinity. It seems like we are reusing a lot of negative patriarchal stereotypes about men & masculinity in ways which hurt marginalized people the most.
From there, you can bring up marginalized men: you can talk about how trans men, multigender/nonbinary men, men of color, Jewish men, fat men, disabled men, etc. are negatively affected by negative patriarchal stereotypes about men & masculinity- I emphasis that because its how I would go about referring to "misandry" or "antimasculism" without actually using a word. Since misandry (and anything that sounds similar) is such a trigger word for many, its important to set the foundation that there is a big difference between the MRA concept of misandry, and the transunitist concept of misandry. Transunitist misandry focuses on how sexism & genderism* is used to target marginalized groups (specifically trans* people). Transunitist misandry does not say that misogyny doesn't exist, or that men are oppressed in the exact same way women are; its saying that the patriarchy (as a part of kyriarchy) uses gender and sex to harm not just marginalized women, but marginalized men too.
My goal with this would be to introduce and try to convince them of the idea that Misandry Is Harmful Maybe, and then once they realize how its harmful, bring up the idea that this kind of stuff needs to be named. Once they generally agree with these ideas, I think it will be much easier to help them understand why misandry is bad even beyond marginalized men: because the patriarchy relies on harmful ideas and expectations for men, even as (dominant/non-marginalized) men have a different place and more rewards; because liberationist feminism must be concerned with universal liberation, and that means it must be concerned with everyone's wellbeing and liberation; because we cannot disnantle the master's house with the master's tools, and letting any patriarchal thinking in poisons the well of your feminist praxis; because it just makes you a meaner and shittier person. In my experience people who think in the ways you described are resistant (not necessarily for bad reasons) to any kind of criticism towards sexism/genderism towards men, so my tactic would be starting with areas (like women) that they are concerned with not hurting and show how misandry hurts that group. Connecting the harm of this way of thinking to something they care about is going to make them more open to seeing it as an issue in general.
*I use "sexism" to describe the system of oppression based on physical sex, and "genderism" to describe the system of oppression based on gender identity/presentation/roles.
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doglikegod · 27 days
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I would love to learn what it means to be a real man
trying to do it alone can be tough and it's so much easier when you just have to do as your told
for starters, seeking out advice on becoming a real man is a solid first step. that shit takes some serious balls. you’ve already started.
becoming a man is about gaining confidence in yourself. don’t make yourself smaller, don’t try to take up less space. be as unapologetically yourself as you want. cis people, and even some fellow trans people, won’t be comfortable with you being confident and secure in yourself, but fuck em. you exist for yourself, not anyone else.
becoming a man is also about presenting in a way that makes you feel powerful and enhances that confidence. if you haven’t tried wearing men’s clothes, get a couple things from a thrift store or hand-me-downs from a friend. try them on, wear them to a store. get a pack of boxers briefs and pin a rolled up sock to the front pouch. that’s your dick now—wear it as much as you can, even outside of boymode.
if you’ve already done all that, make sure the clothes you wear fit your personal style, whatever that may be. punk? jock? guy that works at geek squad? make sure the outside matches the inside.
start manspreading in public. sit with your legs shoulder width apart. it’ll be easier if you’re packing. it’ll be even easier when you start t—you’d be too sensitive to do anything else.
stop giving a shit about your height if you’re below the male average. tons of short guys exist and are hot as fuck because they own it. josh hutcherson is like 5’5 and tons of people think he’s sexy. part of that is because he doesn’t come off as insecure.
apologize less. be polite to people that deserve it, but don’t be subservient. dont apologize for asking questions, don’t apologize for correcting someone, don’t apologize for existing. don’t be afraid to be a bit abrasive, even.
try out more masculine hobbies. you don’t have to abandon any “girly” hobbies you may have—it’s 2024, men can knit. try out woodworking or shooting or fishing or computer building or working on cars or even growing chili peppers. ask your male friends what they do for fun and try it out for yourself. if you have a good relationship with your dad or any other male family member, ask him to teach you. if you don’t have someone irl to teach you something, pick a hobby you’ve always wanted to try out but were too scared to, and watch youtube videos on it. even if you don’t end up loving it, you’ve stepped out of your comfort zone, which is a big accomplishment in itself, and you might’ve even had a nice bonding experience with someone.
look into how to get t, and then do it, if you haven’t already. find a trans clinic in your area, go to planned parenthood if you’re in the states, hell even do diy if you need to. if you’re in an area where it’s unsafe to start t—especially florida jfc—work your ass off to get out of there as soon as possible.
start jacking off and fucking more like a man. stroke your dick instead of rubbing your clit. get a strap on and jerk that off. repeat, “i’m a man” to yourself on every stroke. try pumping your dick. picture yourself topping. actually top. experience your sexuality as something beyond cis society’s expectations for a “woman”—because you never were a woman, so why should you fuck like one?
if you’re scared to do something that’ll help yourself transition, ask yourself “why does this scare me?” and decide if your fears are as big as they seem. many things that seem daunting about transitioning aren’t actually bad, and sometimes end up being fucking awesome.
it’s not going to be easy and it’s definitely not going to be easier than “staying” a woman, but becoming the man you were always meant to be is the best thing you can do for yourself. being able to look in the mirror and like what looks back at you is the greatest feeling in the world. i hope you get there.
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Not strictly snakes so feel free to ignore, but I'm a Black trans guy majoring in biology, I really want to go into herpetology but where I live all STEM fields are so...WASPy. I'm kind of scared I'll never fit in or get anywhere, and you're the only person I know of in a similar situation, so can you just put my mind at ease a little? Any advice?
I remember being in your shoes, definitely! I totally had similar fears, and I used to be so scared that, as a gay Jewish trans man, I'd never be able to break into a traditionally very White, cishet-dominated field. But I promise there's space for you here!
A few words of advice:
At first, you're probably going to feel out of place, but never let anyone make jokes at your expense. Don't laugh, don't give an inch. My boss at my venom lab made an Antisemitic joke one time many years ago, I called him out on it, and it was so awkward at first. But he apologized later, we talked about it, and now he's a regular guest at my family's Passover seders. Sometimes people are straight-up bigots, but there are also lots of people who are just ignorant and willing to learn. Don't be afraid to call people out, they may be dicks about it but frankly if they are, they aren't people you want to work with anyway. The people who care to listen can become valuable allies.
If people question your ability to be an expert in your field, don't bother trying to convince them. People like that aren't looking for an expert, they're looking for someone who looks like them.
Be your own cheerleader. It's going to feel like bragging, but I swear it's not. Don't be afraid to give yourself credit for your accomplishments.
There are more people like us than you realize. I even have groupchats with other herpetologists of color and queer herpetologists in my state! The field is slowly becoming more and more diverse, and we've got community here.
I wish you the absolute best of luck. Remember, in the words of the late great Shirley Chisholm, "if they don't give you a seat at the table, bring a folding chair." Don't ever let anyone tell you that you don't belong. Make space for yourself, and take up that space proudly!
Looking forward to seeing you at a herpetology conference somewhere down the line! :)
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jell-o101 · 6 months
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As a Luigi fan, what is something you really DON'T like when it comes to the fandom's interpretation of him?
Making him too scared to do anything without a solid reason. No body is just..BORN that way. You gotta give an in-depth explanation for why you BELIEVE he is the way he is and give him a proper motive to do anything despite his fear. Because Luigi will complete the task DESPITE being afraid and that’s cool.
It also depends on which version of Luigi too. All of the main games and spin offs after Luigi’s Mansion have taken his personality of said game and seem to have made it canon…except for the Paper Mario series.
The Paper Mario series is like a separate pocket dimension or something like that, so the Luigi in THAT universe is no coward. A little envious and socially inept, maybe. But no coward.
When it comes to writing Luigi, I prefer to keep those different versions separate. So
Another thing I kinda dislike is when the fandom seems to agree that Luigi is trans, but still make him super feminine like they ignore he probably just likes wearing dresses and that’s it. People calling him Queen or Wife or Mom. Like…PICK ONE OR THE OTHER, MAN. Unless someone writes Luigi as someone who doesn’t mind if he is misgendered. That or he dislikes confrontation so much that he’d rather not say anything, which is the more plausible version for me since whenever anyone in the games, most notably in the Mario and Luigi games, pokes fun at Luigi, he will NOT do anything about it unless it gets to him REALLY HARD to the point where Mario has to step in (example of this, Mario and Luigi: Partners in Time)
Maybe I trailed off a little, but to summarize, making Luigi a coward/burden and when people don’t know how to write him as a trans character (I am not trans myself, but I have a couple of friends who are and I ask them for advice)
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b0tster · 10 months
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Adding to the discussion: I had figured out I wasn't a boy by the time I was 16, but for various reasons that shifted and changed for a decade and a half I stayed in the closet. The big ones as I got older were the (silly in hindsight) idea that I'd be more useful as a "cisgender" ally, the fear of being openly queer in a conservative, rural area, and, of course, the hassle of doing it. At 30, after being miserable in lockdown for a couple months, I decided enough was enough, started slowly coming out to friends, moved to a more welcoming city, and almost two years later started transitioning. I'm 33 now, and have been transitioning for almost a year and a half. It was, without a doubt, the best decision I've ever made, and I'm so happy with my progress, but if I had one piece of advice for others who are older and thinking of transitioning, it'd be to just fucking do it, and sooner than later if you are safe and able to do so. As happy as I am with my progress, there are still physical aspects of myself that I've lost due to aging that I wish I could have back and estrogen won't help, but with time and growth I've learned to make it all work for me. And the good news (at least in the province I live in) is that the hassle is slowly getting easier, I'm one of the last people in Nova Scotia who was required to go through a psych evaluation to start my transition. (The evaluation mainly consisted of the guy going "I basically just make sure you're serious and know what to expect, I don't know why we still do this, we're actually ending these soon" anyway and ended up being way less stressful than I was worried it would be)
"just fucking do it" really hits the nail on the head. even if its just admitting it to yourself. so many trans people i know say that they wish they just did it. ive yet to meet a single trans person who wished they did it later.
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cy-cyborg · 6 months
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Hi! I'm trying to include autistic and/or ADHD characters in my stories but I'm afraid I'm not doing a good job. I'm neurotypical, so I fear I might find myself using stereotypes and that's not my intention. Do you have any tips? Thank you in advance, have a nice day!
Ok, so personally I have a lot of trouble coming up with advice for auDHD (autism + ADHD) because, well, the spectrum of experience is so large and there isn't a lot of consistency within the community in regards to what is considered good representation vs just stereotypes. There's a few outliers, like every one I know has agreed Sia's movie "Music" is offensively bad lol, but pretty much everything else I can think of is less clear cut. Generally though, if you want examples of media portrayals of autism done well, avoid anything from or connected to Autism Speaks. They are not a reliable source.
I only really have 3 suggestions:
decide what level of support your character needs. Support needs for autism are variable and they can fluctuate throughout a person's life, but typically, people will fit into one of 3 categories. In Australia it's Level 1, Level 2 and Level 3 with Level 1 is defined as generally being low-support needs, and level 3 being generally very high support needs. Of course, it's a spectrum, so there's massive amounts of variably person-to-person, but as an author, it can be a good idea to pick one of the levels, because you'll typically find more specific information about how autism will present.
Find content creators (as in multiple) with both Autism and ADHD. It's a good idea to listen to the community directly, but when you're writing an AuDHD character in particular, you do need to be aware that those autism and ADHD can play into one another or in some cases, can cancel some traits of each other out (kind of). But it'll be different from person to person. They are very distinct disabilities, but they have some unusual interactions it's vital to be aware of. Ideally, you'll also want to try find auDHD people in the same age range and who are the same gender as your character. Different generations and age groups will treat AuDHD differently, and while It's not a hard and fast thing, both autism and ADHD manifest differently in men and women because of how we are socialized and raised (this applies to trans and nonbinary people too, they'll typically take on traits associated with the gender they were usually raised as, but not always. Personally, I showed a mix of both, but my traits do align more with the typical presentation of AuDHD in girls). Just a little side note, not every person creating content about Autism/ADHD is open to working with authors. Find content creators, listen to them, but don't ask them about your character specifically unless they have stated somewhere that they're open to helping with that kind of thing.
Find sensitivity readers and sensitivity consultants for autism and ADHD. A sensitivity reader goes over your manuscript once the draft is done, but consultants help you from even earlier on in the process. If you're worried about not doing the community justice, this is the best way to go. People online like myself can offer generalized advice, but SR's and SC's will be able to go much more in-depth with you and help you fix moment-to-moment issues in your story.
Some additional things to be mindful of as well when looking up further resources:
Both Autism and ADHD can make it difficult to regulate tone and emotion. This means you are likely going to get information from the community at some point that might not be easy to hear and you're not going to like how its presented to you lol. They're going to be blunt and maybe even "rude". It's not personal (usually lol) but don't expect everyone to be polite, and don't only take criticism from those who are. Tone and emotional regulation is literally a part of both disabilities for a lot of us, and this is a topic a lot of us have strong feelings about to begin with.
I mentioned it already, but avoid taking advice from anything connected to or directly from Autism Speaks.
Social media tends to favor low-support-needs folks, so you'll find info about them, from them, much easier. Even if you're writing a LSN character, be mindful of that bias
Be wary of anyone claiming autism/ADHD is a superpower unironically. This is one of those things that's said by a lot of lower support needs folks and is often a warning sign that they might hold harmful beliefs about other parts of the community and could give you bad info. Just again, something to be aware of when researching.
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johannestevans · 1 year
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Okay so similarly to last anon about topping as a trans guy/trans masc, how do you build the confidence within yourself to top someone with a penis? Cause my partner is super kind and willing to let me learn but I struggle with my own mental barrier of lime not being "manly" enough or confident enough for topping. I know a lot of it is internalized transphobia but I just wasn't sure if you had any past experiences that helped you over come that or other fears surrounding newness and such.
my directory of work / / tip jar
That sounds like a tough set of feelings that are all mixed up together!
I'm gonna unpack some gender stuff and ungendering things first, and then specifically get onto feelings of masculinity, because I think those are two separate mental processes that are (understandably) tangled up.
Before I go on, though, there's a lot of thoughts and exercises I'm going through in this essay, and I just want to say that more valuable than anything I'm about to say re: your sexual relationship with your partner, is to talk to them.
]Everything below is ontological gender thoughts and then feelings about your own confidence and masculinity, but given that the important thing here is your sexual chemistry and dynamic and relationship while the two of you fuck, their feelings and thoughts might well be super valuable here!
Even if you just say, "Hey, I asked this pretty writer fag for advice because I've been feeling these feelings and it's been tough for me, would you also like to read what he said?", that might be very helpful and valuable!
All these big feelings and big problems often feel less big when we share them with those we love and are intimate with. A problem shared is a problem halved - an insecurity shared with a trusted someone is one that can be soothed and be specifically treated with gentle gloves. If your partner doesn't know about it, they can't do that!
Anyway, on to me talking too much:
Me and my boyfriend were at a kink event yesterday that was very straight-dominated, and one thing that sort of occurred to us that we don't tend to think about, because we're not really in community with cishets and their sexual culture, is that for a lot of cishets, "pegging" - a cis man being penetrated with a strap-on, by a woman or by someone else without a cock, is in itself considered a kink.
And Lewis was like, "And that's ridiculous because it's just like... It's the woman topping. It's not special or important because it's just two people in a relationship and she's the one topping, but because they're straight, it becomes about him being humiliated and her dominating him when it's literally just normal."
And he's obviously right, like...
People often assume that in a sexual dynamic:
the top = the dominant partner = the more masculine partner
the bottom = the submissive partner = the more feminine partner
But the act of topping or bottoming (which I'm using in this context to refer to someone being the penetrating or penetrated partner, although "top" and "bottom" are often used to refer to a partner acting versus a partner acted upon, which is explored and discussed a lot in this glorious piece, Top or Bottom: How do we desire? from The New Inquiry a few years ago) is not in itself an act of domination or submission.
You mention not being confident enough to top, and link that confidence with your masculinity - do you think of topping as an inherently more confident act than bottoming? Is there a certain security you associate with topping, or a certain certainty of thought or intention, that you might not ascribe to bottoming, because you think of bottoming as passive and topping as active?
To be penetrated is not to be subjugated, nor is penetration in itself an act of subjugation, or emasculation, or even domination.
But while we still think of penetration as domination, we automatically association that act of domination with masculinity, with butchness, with being (as in the essay) the brute, with being the actor upon the acted, with being the "active" (as opposed to passive) partner, etc, because in cishetero ideals of sex, sex is something done by the man to the woman.
But you know trans girls that top, do you not? Whether that's them fucking boys or girls or other people entirely, there are trans woman who top. They are not less feminine for doing so, they're certainly not less womanly.
And you know cis men that bottom, yes? And not just twinky, effete, fairy boys who are fruity with lisps and grabbable hips and pretty eyes - there are big, hypermasculine butch men with glistening muscles and thatches of thick hair on their tits who just stepped out of a Tom of Finland poster who love to be fucked. It might well be those ethereal fairy boys who are doing the fucking.
Perhaps they like to be bent over and fucked - perhaps they like to lie back and cup the faces of their partner and coax them into fucking him, smiling sweetly, saying, "That's it, come into me, you're doing so well, yes," and treating it as an act of love and tenderness, but also, one in which he is still undeniably in control and the dominant party, but not by way of typical masculine, patriarchal performance. It can be anything it wants to be, depending on what the parties involved are intending, what they're thinking, feeling.
What the fucking signifies and what it means is in the eye of the fucker.
Is a cis woman topping her cis man boyfriend masculine? Is she actually taking away his masculinity, or is she having any for her own? Is she less or more feminine because she uses a strap-on? Is it more or less so if it's matched to the colour of her flesh?
What if it's pink?
And all of what I've just said really assumes a binary of tenders, of the transfeminine and transmasculine as extensions of the cisfeminine and cismasculine, as parallels of their gender thinking that in themselves are, you know, constructed by the dominant culture - white Western imperial culture, where that binary was constructed and where those boxes exist to oppress and to control, through a flimsy defence of "biology" and also through constructed social roles.
How much do you believe in that stuff?
Play it out as a mental exercise - make a list (you don't have to write it down, you can just think about it in your head) of the sex acts you and your current partner do together, and the sex acts you've done with other partners, and other sex acts that you've dreamed about or fantasised about, and ask yourself...
Do I think of this sex act as more masculine or feminine or is it gender-neutral, or do I think it's genderfucky in some way? If it's genderfucky, in what ways is it genderfucky?
Is it genderfucky because it particularly adheres to or particularly subverts certain gender roles in or outside of the bedroom? Is it genderfucky because it exists in some way outside of the gender binary for you, whether that makes it genderless or genderful, or abstracts it to some entirely different kinds of gender?
For example, if a cisgender man is penetrated by someone else's homegrown cock, how does that feel, genderwise? What if it's someone else's cock as a strap-on? Does the colour or consistency or size of that cock matter in the equation? What if the person penetrating him is an android, and their cock is part of their body, but it's metal or silicon or otherwise matched to their robotic body? What if the person penetrating him is someone who's had a phalloplasty, and their penis was made via surgery and a cool skin graft from their arm? What if it's a fantasy universe where the person did have a clitoris, but they drank a potion and it turned into an average or more-sized typical cock? What if the person penetrating the man is a tentacle monster or some other kind of alien creature, and they do not conform with the bipedal constraint of the human form?
What if all of that is the same, but the cisgender man being penetrated is now a transgender man? What if all this happens to a transgender woman? What if all this happens to a cisgender woman? What if all that happens to a nonbinary person?
If that nonbinary person was assigned female at birth, or if they were assigned male at birth, does that change your feelngs or your assumptions? Why? If that person has had different surgeries of their own - phalloplasties or vaginoplasties, penectomies or mastectomies, metoidioplasties, or any other kind of genital reconstructive surgeries? Does that change anything?
And that's just the act of penetration, but you can think of any other kind of act that you do during sex or as a lead up to sex - kissing, massage, biting, frotting, using a vibrator, nipple play, spanking, dressing up, etc etc. How does gender play into it? What are you gendering, and what are you not gendering? What about the language you use? Say, calling a cis man's chest his tits or boobies or breasts or his mommy milkers, but calling a cis woman's chest her pecs or her chest, or even her man boobs?
What acts do you see as adhered to specific gender identities or presentations or ideas of gender, and which acts are more flexible or unattached? Why are they different? What makes them different?
So that's part one of this, yes?
And all of that is. A lot of thinking and a lot of ruminating, and by no means am I saying you have to sit down and get it all done tonight like it's homework due tomorrow - that's more a set of thoughts and ideas that you can start unpacking as they come to you? As you think of new things, you can play with those thoughts and unpack them, and compare them and contrast them to each other, and see how much actively thinking about and deconstructing them in your head changes your feelings about them - and how much your feelings stay the same.
No matter what thoughts come up as you go through this, no matter what biases you find you have, or thoughts you find that you don't agree with once you start examining them, that is okay. There is nothing wrong or bad about how you think or feel.
None of the above is intended to lecture you, none of the above is intended to make you feel bad or insecure or like you've done wrong by having different thoughts or feelings about the different genders of things.
You have not transgressed by holding a bias, or by thinking of a sex act as masc or fem rather than neutral, or anything similar.
You have not transgressed. You have not sinned. You have thought thought bad thoughts, and subsequently are a bad person, or a bad queer, or a bad trans person.
This business of unpacking and untangling gender and sexuality from specific sex acts, of ungendering things or adjusting our lenses of gender, is hard and difficult and complicated work. Many thousands of essays have been written on this subject by other queer people, by BIPOC, by disabled people, by trans people, by intersex people, by everyone who has not been written into the constructed white imperial gender binary and its associated ideals of sex (which themselves have been escalated and fine-tuned and commercialised because of capitalism and other forms of white cultural supremacy), because it is hard and difficult to do. Because these are things we all have to unlearn, which is difficult!
A lot of these feelings, when we start unpacking them, cause us pain and make us feel discomfort, nausea, dysphoria, shame, uncertainty, fear.
They make us feel that way because by our existence, we are transgressing - because we exist in the way that we do, outside of this constructed binary (and unwilling or unable to conform to it, or at least feign / perform conformity), we disrupt it and we break its rules and we twist it and we bend it. Simply by being, we do those things.
And then when we start to look inward and really start doing that work, it can feel insurmountable and impossible and agonising, because how are we to unpick a framework which we've been sewn into our whole lives? How can we unpick our threads from a tapestry when we're sewn into it with surgical thread?
It's not our fault. It's not your fault or my fault, it is not our partners' faults, it's not even our parents' fault or our teachers' fault or any individuals' fault.
But it's a process.
So. Coming away from the broader thought exercises and zeroing in on your personal feelings about your own body, your own gender, your own role during sex.
How do you feel more manly? How do you feel more confident? How do you get past that barrier and feel "ready" to top?
If you want to top while feeling in control...
Does your partner normally top you? What positions do they usually top you in? Are there any positions they top you in that make you feel more vulnerable in some way, more controlled by them, in a way that you enjoy? Do you think that using those positions, you would then feel more like you're in control?
Would you feel more confident, for example, topping doggy style rather than in missionary?
Have you considered fingering your partner first and penetrating them not while fucking them, but during some other activity? So, blowing them while also fingering them, or using toys on them? Using a vibrator or a dildo on them while giving them a handjob? Even watching them fuck themselves on a vibrator or dildo while you give instructions - so not touching them or moving them down on it, but they only move as instructed by you?
All of those are playing with you being in control and dominating while they're also being penetrated, but is not necessarily topping them while fucking them with your own cock - you can use them to ease yourself more into the mental role or more of the confidence of what you want, rather than plunging directly in (pun intended).
There's roleplay, where you could play out a specific fantasy or wear a particular costume or outfit or something similar, that lets you feel more or at your most manly and confident, so that it's easy to really lean into a butch persona if that doesn't normally come naturally to you?
If you think you'd be more confident topping while ceding some control, have you thought about different positions for that? For example, you lying back and your partner riding you, and easing themselves down onto you?
Or you topping them while they instruct you exactly how to move, or you're being guided by them, acting more in the service top area?
Another option is double-ended dildos! I'm not sure how comfortable you are bottoming or being penetrated, but if you do enjoy such things, a double-ended dildo means neither of you are topping, but you're both bottoming, and that can be somewhere interesting to start that's focused on the sensation and experience together.
All of the above you can then use to transition into topping your partner more the way you first envisioned, or first fantasied about.
Sorry that's a lot to chew on, Anon, but I hope it helps and I wish you love and luck! Like I said to the other guy that asked about topping, so much of this is like...
Because it's new and because you haven't done it before, it can feel like it's a huge and impossible thing, and then once you do do it, a lot of that mystique and that sense of infinity (infinite things that can go right, infinite things that can go wrong, infinite emotions one way or the other) fades away a bit!
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saintjosie · 1 year
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can i ask how you cope with the transphobia fear, im a trans man and im white so i know realistically that im at a lower risk than my sisters and espc those of color but... i feel like im just terrified to leave my house. ive been hatecrimed twice when i was a lot earlier along in my transition but im pretty passibly cis now. i dont want to hide my transness but anytime the word trans is on the news or in an article theres just this instant ourpouring of hate. i live in a city next to a super conservative county and i just dont leave my city anymore. i dont even wang to leave my apartment. any advice?
first off, there isn’t really a point that being a trans person in the world gets less scary. in fact it feels like it’s getting scarier all the time. but it does get easier!
there’s a cheesy quote that says something along the lines of “courage isn’t not being afraid but rather facing your fear”. and that’s pretty fuckin good advice especially when it comes to being a trans person.
one of the best ways to combat that fear is by finding community in other queer and trans people and other people who understand and value you for who you are. being around people like that allows you to be authentically yourself. and the more time you spend being authentically yourself around other people and out in the world, the more your confidence grows.
the bad news is that to find those people and to build that confidence you’re kinda just gonna have to do it, even if it’s incredibly uncomfortable for awhile. i promise you tho, it does get a hell of a lot easier.
hope this helps!
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gnc-culture-is · 23 days
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(warning, this is a vent, but i am also asking for advice genuinely, if you dont have the energy to read that sort of thing now then that's okay, take care of yourself 💙)
How do I get over my fear of correcting people?
I have my pronouns (it/they) on a pin on my bag (it's actually just it/its, but that was the only pin available with 'it' - but I don't mind they/them), I've said that those are my pronouns, and yet when I get misgendered, even by well-meaning people who say "Please correct me if I mess up!", I just don't do it. It makes me extremely uncomfortable to be seen as my agab, even though I present in a way that would conform to it. I'm also scared of changing my name and the things that come with that (telling people I go by a different name, etc). I was selling pins for a fundraiser my school was doing, during a basketball game which I wasn't interested in. I was wearing my aforementioned pin on my sweater, which under it I had on my one item of trans gear that would make me appear less like my agab. Multiple people asked for my name. I had to give them my deadname, because nobody knows me by my real name. I don't want to do that anymore I want to be known by my chosen name I want people to see me as my real self.
you just do it often, i think. you deserve to be addressed with respect. i've found some success in going, "ah, i'm actually 'x', 'y' is just my legal name. long story." if I have to give out my deadname.
would love to hear from others about this though
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unopenablebox · 1 month
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one of my friends organized a trans(*)-only lunch for people in the department which i had a shockingly good time at. partly because i have apparently already met and befriended the entire trans and nonbinary population of the biology department at ***
however, since there were several people there who have only recently started Considering Gender, we did get into like "how did you tell your parents, how do you handle coming out to people" type stuff
and since i firmly recloseted at work back when the alternative was trying to come out to ancient faculties members over zoom, my answers were all things like "just do things and don't explain them! personally instead of ever telling anyone my pronouns i just refer to myself as a man only when using the rhetorical third person! i see it bring the fear into certain people's eyes and then i do not address that fear."
and i feel like that was. irresponsible advice
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genderkoolaid · 1 month
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advice on how to get over the fear that t is going to make me ugly? or that i’m going to miss “the old me”
i’m a queer trans guy and i’ve been questioning going on t for years now and i know i definitely want bottom growth, body fat redistribution and more body hair.
but im err on the side of face and voice changes. i’m scared of disliking my new voice and suddenly growing dysphoric over it (i dont have too much voice dysphoria now) and disliking how my new face will look. i’m kinda genderfluid as well so it’s complicated. but i don’t want to go my whole life without knowing what it’s like to be on hrt. but i can’t get over the fear of looking/finding myself ugly and undesirable and losing my community... which is ironic cuz i find other trans men attractive as hell. i discussed this in therapy and i still feel this way :/
i wish there was a way for me to start without telling anyone and then breaking the news when i’m experiencing changes and feeling more confident about it. i have my gender dysphoria diagnosis and i can start if i want to, but i need my family’s financial support. i don’t want to make it a big deal since it’s just something i’d be trying out to feel more like myself in certain ways.
sorry this turned into a long ass rant and you don’t have to reply but i’m just gonna kindly leave it in the ask box 💀
There's a post that goes like "all of life is irreversible. i cannot go back a single second" and I think thats something good to keep in mind when you are thinking through this. You are already living with a body that has changed and will continue to change in ways largely out of your control. You are already living in a post-irreversible-alteration body.
If you do go on T and find you don't like how your voice sounds: for one, you can stop at any time (& if you haven't checked out microdosing as an option, you should). But two: plenty of people live with a deeper voice than they want. Plenty of people live with facial hair they dislike. You can pursue the same therapies and procedures they do. Or maybe you don't, and you find ways to live with a voice or face you aren't totally in love with.
So much detransition fearmongering, especially directed at transmascs & assoc. trans people, heavily relies on the specter of the fallen woman, itself steeped in trans-misogyny & intersexism. The idea that, for one, a "woman" who has mixed-sex features is ugly and undesirable, and two, that a "woman" made undesirable is forever doomed to be miserable and worthless. The transphobic story of detransition keeps our bodies stuck in this moment of revulsion and regret, narratively preventing us as characters from being able to move on and live happy lives in atypical bodies. Even if you do regret/dislike some things about T, you are not forever stuck in that feeling. The story does not stop at that! You will just keep living and find new ways of dealing with your bodily feelings!
The social aspect of this is a bit more complicated but I also have some firsthand experience with it. Because, as mentioned before, there's a lot of transphobic misogyny/misogynistic transphobia that affects transmascs & others who go on T, who have to confront the feeling of losing your potential desirability. And then there's also the way many people are treated after going on T, facing a whole new area of bodily scrutiny: you may suddenly have people making comments about how someone needs to force teenage boys to shave because their facial hair is a personal offense. I went from being self-conscious about how high my voice was to being self-conscious about how undeniably trans my voice was. And, specifically, my facial hair, voice changes, etc. were all signs of my transmasculine desire, and I became self-conscious about how obvious it was that I desired being trans, I desired this body. I could no longer let everyone pretend I was a cishet girl at family gatherings and avoid confronting these issues, because I had essentially written I WANT TO BE A TRANNY all over my physical form.
This is something I'm still struggling with myself. I, like many other queer & autistic people, already struggled with feeling desirable or worthy of being seen alongside conventionally attractive cishet people who could act normal. Being visibly trans, and taking a huge step away from the desirable cis-perisex-girl body, can really open up that can of worms. Especially being genderfluid/genderqueer! Because we often cannot find a comfortable space for ourselves within the conventions of attractiveness for cis men, like some binary trans men are able to.
But ultimately, I don't regret going on T at all. I would have had body issues regardless, and I got a lot out of going on T. I think mentally preparing yourself to struggle with these things, and seeking out other transmasc people, is a big help. Again: all of life is irreversible. we cannot go back a single second. We are already living in imperfect bodies we struggle to love or see as worthy. If you know you want some of the things T can offer, and you don't want to go your whole life without knowing, then just do it. Dive in, and don't feel any shame if you decide to get out. Just keep living and finding ways to live better right now.
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your-queer-dad · 14 days
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I'm only a month into discovering I'm trans, and the Cass Review here in the UK has got me worrying that I'm going to have a hard time (even though I turn 25 at the end of July).
I want to do something in the fight against this transphobic excuse of a study, but I don't know what I as an individual can even do.
Dr Cass even corroborated with DeSantis, which makes me fearful the UK is going to end up just like Florida.
Do you have any advice on what I can do to fight back against the Cass Review? I'm not at the stage of socially transitioning just yet, so speaking as a transwoman in public isn't an option for me sadly.
Hey kiddo, thank you so much for reaching out. I hadn't heard of the Cass Review before your ask so I did some research. As a trans person living in the UK myself, I can reassure you- we are here, just as much as they try to make us hide, the community here is so strong when you find it and there is always people who will fight for trans rights. Getting healthcare isn't the easiest but it's a lot easier, one area I'd recommend looking into is the gender dysphoria clinics on the NHS.
As for fighting back against it- you being yourself already does that kiddo. Our very existence as trans people is rebellion and I think that's kinda cool. Find your local queer community, go to protests or keep up with the news, sign petitions. And remember, you are loved, you are valid and you aren't alone in this fight.
I love you and I'm proud of you.
- dad x
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uncanny-tranny · 15 days
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The Cass Review coming out and the media frenzy surrounding it makes it feel like the world is falling apart around us. I'm very fortunate to live outside the UK at the moment, but my heart goes out to the trans people that are facing these current circumstances. It feels like the US will follow soon, and the rug will be pulled out from under us at any point.
How do we survive? How do I know if my friends will be okay? What if I fully transition just to be persecuted for the rest of my life? What will happen to us?
It's terrifying out here right now - if you have any advice on how you handle any of it, it would be greatly appreciated.
- a young trans person
I think so much of this relies on community support - you won't be alone in this, so you shouldn't live life alone in this. Regardless of potential intracommunity bickering, regardless of if we perfectly get along, no matter if someone passes or not, or has a complex identity or not, we all are affected by transphobia. We have to be in it together, to fight and support together.
Nobody knows, truly, what the next few years or decades are in store for us so, frankly, I think we invest as much as possible for the future, but also try to live. You don't just deserve to survive, you deserve to thrive. So whatever you do, I hope you're able to pause for even the briefest of moments. I hope you eat well, I hope you smile genuinely, I hope you laugh, I hope you dance. Fear and stress will literally kill you. I know for me, the stress I felt pre-transition absolutely would have killed me eventually - I don't wish that on anyone. It's absolutely reasonable to be scared about the future, I'm not saying it's not, but what I am saying is that you deserve a break. You deserve hope.
From a (perhaps slightly) older trans person: It can absolutely get better. Those tiny glimmers of hope that you cling to like diamonds won't be so few and far between. That sounds like absolute bullshit when you're on the receiving end of this, and I know that because I've been in that position, but something else that helps me through those "negative" feelings is this:
We survive. We have always survived. We have lost an unconscionable amount of people, but they won't be forgotten. No matter what happens, we keep surviving. The world cannot leave us behind without leaving behind swaths of humanity because we belong in the fabric of society. And something about that reassures me, because it is a reminder that we have existed and will continue to exist. And that means that we will outlive the hatred.
You're going to survive with us. In fact, I think you can thrive and not just survive, and I think that's something that doesn't happen in spite of the 'phobes, but rather it happens because you are an inherent equal person who is entitled to happiness.
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