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iridiss · 8 months

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I want a (non-canon compliant) Narinder whose gentle.

I want a Narinder who was once a kitten, newly crowned immortal, under Shamura’s careful mentorship. Who grew up the hard way, who learned you have to be rough, loud, mean, manipulative, and maniacal, you have to be bloody and violent and cruel, in order to survive in this world. In order to survive against Leshy and Heket’s brutality and Kallamar’s back-handed cunning. He learned from a family cruel and cold that love was a fool’s game, that sentiment was insignificant, that caring was weakness. So he scoffed at caring for anybody at all and learned how to break and toy with people as if they were dolls, made only for his own consumption and desire. That’s what his siblings told him, that’s what Shamura told him, that’s what his subjects and the fight to survive told him.

But he never saw his toys fit for anything more than the most necessary use, he never let them come any closer than professional arms-reach business, and he made sure to throw them away the second they were no longer strictly necessary. And he hated the cruelty of his siblings. He hated how they treated him, he hated how they made him fight for his fair share. And then he kept rebelling against the doctrine of the Old Faith. He would take the cruel, old, traditional rules of how one was supposed to act, and he would take them more as loose suggestions than anything severely concrete that you had to live by. He would start making up his own rules, or ignoring other rules that he simply didn’t like or deemed “inconvenient.”

He quickly became the black sheep of the “family.”

And then the Gods of The Old Faith betrayed him. And everything he was ever taught became a horrible lie. Everything became unjust. Everything turned into a false, corrupted kingdom that had to be torn down, that he could fix, that he could replace with something better. He tore it all down, violently lashing out against the family he had trusted, the family he had followed to the end of the road at his own expense, tearing them apart with his own two hands, because the scars he bore over the years became far too fucking loud to bear. Because everything had been a lie all along. Everything had been wrong, this whole damn time.

And they killed him for it. He screamed so loud about their lies that they simply had to smother the sound. They murdered their own brother—if he was ever a real “brother” to them at all, or nothing more than another religious heir to a crooked throne.

He was a God turned exiled heretic.

So he’d make his own fucking kingdom instead. He would undo everything, and start anew, following the doctrine he always knew was better. What he thought was superior. But problem is, it’s not that easy to shake off the entirety of one’s religious upbringing overnight. He was still clinging on. He would scream and shout about the incongruities and arrogance of The Old Faith all damn day—but then he’d keep Aym and Baal, a gift from his old mentor and oldest sibling, close to his side. He would call them fools and tyrants and wretched liars, but he’d remember the Darkwood flowers with a fondness, yearning to stand in his brother’s flower fields again someday. He would stay in the Lamb’s cult, when he could easily become a constant dissenter and leave like any other follower, when he could attack them, maybe even kill them, at any given moment. He doesn’t. He stays. He clings on to the fondness. He never fully let go of that old sentimental feeling.

I want a Narinder who doesn’t understand what love looks like, because the closest thing he’d ever known to true, honest love growing up was the scraps he’d receive from a withdrawn and uncertain Shamura. Those rare moments where Shamura was kind, warm, gentle, full of love, when he’d listen to the lullabies and the poems that they would weave to put him to sleep, when he’d be wrapped up in the blankets of their webs and their nests. When they would give him gifts.

When they gave him their final gift.

He doesn’t understand love. He was trained to view it as weakness. He still feels deeply, severely insecure about showing said weakness, he doesn’t want to face the severe and violent consequences of welcoming it. There’s a part in him deep down that understands devotion, that already internally understands what real trust, respect, loyalty, and integrity looks like. But it’s buried deep, under layers upon layers of indoctrination, manipulation, fear, insecurity, doubt, ungodly amounts of pain, and rage. He has enough of a natural moral compass to be able to tell when someone’s entire belief system is flawed or fucked up, and he has enough justice in him to want to tear the entire damn world apart from the ground up. Even if it’s just in the name of avenging the kitten in him that was forced to die all those centuries ago.

He isn’t aware of it. He doesn’t understand what’s going on inside of him. He’s never even taken an introspective glance at himself and why he feels everything that he does, he’s never even asked himself why everything hurts so much beyond the simple “my siblings betrayed me, therefore they all must die as they killed me” surface level. Frankly he’s too scared to look, so he pushed it all away and easily leans on the grinning, devilish, mean mask he always depended on before.

Then I want a Lamb that’s everything he ever needed. Literally, yes, as the vessel prophesied to save him, but also emotionally.

The Lamb had everything taken away from them by The Old Faith. They were killed and thrown away to Narinder’s feet like a broken toy. They want to destroy the doctrine of the Old Faith, they want to rip the world apart from the ground up and completely start anew. They share Narinder’s moral core, his drive for justice, his drive for revenge.

But they also learn, through their own cult, how to rule with love and mercy. They save and spare each follower individually, they marry their own followers, they cook for them, clean for them, house them, decorate for them, they love their followers. They learn that there is value and strength in utilizing the “sentiment and care” that the Bishops deemed as weakness. Literally: one of the best and most overpowered mechanics of the game is building your friendship level with your followers. You can’t live without them. You are their servant as much as they are one to you.

And when Narinder demonstrates his upbringing at its fullest by betraying Lamb and throwing them away like they were nothing more than a toy—The Lamb spares him, too.

I want to express to you how much that means, especially to him. I mean, hell, Narinder wasn’t spared by his own family. But instead, this tool, now proven Almighty God, gave him a level of grace that he wasn’t even allowed to fathom before. There couldn’t be a stronger, faster way to take a wake-up-sledgehammer to someone’s childhood manipulation. The Lamb was sent to destroy every last trace of the Old Faith, and I don’t think Narinder ever considered the extent of what that entailed.

He’d been lied to his entire childhood, being told that heart was weakness, that kindness would be his downfall, that sentiment was heresy. And yet here was a God besting him and every other deity/bishop in the land, and still cleaning up their servants’ shit with a broom. And I like to think that Narinder would undergo a massive change during his time in the cult.

He’d start off hostile and vicious and mean, because he’s still convinced that the Lamb betrayed him and “betrayal” is kind of a very emotionally heated topic for the guy right now. Even if the Lamb actually did the opposite of what his siblings did to him. He’s also terrified, confused, lost, and he certainly doesn’t trust any of the flowery, overly friendly mortals getting all touchy-feely with him.

But maybe he starts to show a little more wistfulness and nostalgia through his side-quests, maybe he’s trying to gauge how trustworthy the Lamb is by asking them to bring him special items from his childhood, and when they follow suit, he dips his toe in the water and shows just a little bit more of his heart, a tiny, itty bitty fragment. And then they don’t hurt him for it. They treat him with the same kindness they give to all of their followers.

And over time, he starts to see that the Lamb’s dominion is one of safety. All of their safety had been violently torn from them in the hunt for the last lamb, so now they do everything in their power to make their cult a home. And they welcome Narinder into that home, and Narinder is safe, and he’s loved, and he’s taken care of, and he’s respected, and he becomes one with the community. The Lamb is able to rule like this and still keep their power. And actually, their power is tripled by their bond with their people! Their kindness literally becomes a strength, and Narinder has never seen anything like it before, but they pull it off! In fact, the Lamb literally defied and beat Narinder into the ground because they weren’t willing to give up their home and their people.

I think he’d come to see The Lamb very differently over time. He’d go from seeing them only as an insignificant weapon for someone else’s use (possibly projecting a lot onto them), to bring in total awe of them, to learning that they’re trustworthy and safe, to seeing them as an equal.

I think they’d be two halves of the same whole. They understand each other in ways that no one else ever will. They’re the Gods of Death, past and future, they belong to the same power. They sit on this throne together. They teach each other everything they ever needed. They’re immortals together. Lamb once served Narinder in total devotion, then Narinder served Lamb in total devotion, and now they’re equals in every conceivable way. They have literally trusted each other with their lives. They were forged in very similar religious trauma and bloodshed, they were there at each other’s darkest time, working as a team. They’re vengeance-bonded. They saved each other. They spared each other, gave the other a second chance. They made each other better. Bonded in blood, divine vows, death, and resurrection. They are THE POWER TEAM.

As their bond grows, Narinder would end up letting his repressed soft side shine through. I can see him allowing himself to be kind for the first time, learning to recognize that not only is it safe for him to care here, it’s fully embraced and encouraged. The Lamb will punish him if he’s too mean to one of their followers. He can be gentle here, he can let his guard down and unwind. So he does, and he becomes a whole new cat. The Lamb eventually trusts him with leadership positions in the cult, until they’re ruling side by side, as they should. Narinder moves on from any desperate reach for power, because he’s secure enough in himself to know he doesn’t need to fight for it anymore. He would fight and die for Lamb as much as they would fight and die for him. They’ve given him true sanctuary, true family. True devotion.

#Narinder my symbol and my sponge for all religious trauma #tw religious trauma #tw religion #tw religious abuse #they are ‘wow I’m not crazy’ by AJR #true devotion #cult of the lamb #cotl Narinder #cotl lamb #narilamb #but it also works for a platonic or other relationship between them #cotl headcanons #iridiswrites

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animentality · 8 months

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#twitter #parenthood #childhood #abuse #tw religious abuse

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sleepitawaydear · 7 months

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#personal #ok to reblog #mine #trauma #actuallytraumatized #tw vent #tw religious themes #religious trauma #tw religious abuse #ptsd #cptsd #bpd #my art

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0809sysblings · 7 months

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Amane, indoctrination, and gaslighting

and why voting Amane innocent would be the best course of action

I've been wanting to write a big post on Amane talking about indoctrination and such. Because I see takes sometimes that make it clear the person doesn't really... Get It.

Most of what I'll be explaining comes from my personal experiences growing up.

Additionally, most of what I say when it comes to outcomes (i.e. "If x happens, Amane will do y") will be based on the assumption that realism, not entertainment, is prioritized in the writing and that there are no major holes in our knowledge of what's going on. Theoretically anything could happen since this is a fictional scenario and we don't know everything when it comes to the world, the cases, and the characters. Not to mention my situation was nowhere near as extreme as hers. So although I probably have a better understanding of it than most people, I definitely can't claim that I know what she's gone through.

Personal anecdotes I add to better support my points will be in the small font (this!) since I don't want them to distract from the main text and so that they can be easily skipped for those who may be worried about being triggered. But if anyone needs plain text descriptions, I'll happily provide them!

!! TW for child abuse, religious abuse, and cults !!

I recommend skipping my personal anecdotes if more detailed discussions about these topics are a trigger for you.

At the heart of "good" (read: successful) indoctrination is gaslighting.

Since gaslighting has been one of the many psychology terms completely watered down and distorted by the internet, I will define it just so we're all on the same page!

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation used to make the victim question their own sanity, sense of reality, or power of reasoning.

Basically, you can't trust yourself. You can't trust your thoughts, your feelings, your interpretations, etc. You become completely reliant on other people (usually specific people who are the ones doing the gaslighting) to figure out what's real/true or not.

Toxic/extremist religious groups like to take gaslighting a step further though. Not only do they make it so you cannot trust yourself to judge what is right or not, they may also teach you that what feels wrong is actually right. You can see where this can start to cause some issues lol.

Anything your gut may tell you that contradicts what the group/cult leaders tell you—"this is wrong!", "this is bad!", "I don't want to do this..."—must be ignored. Because those feelings and thoughts, according to the leaders, are actually the sinful part of you trying to lead the good and faithful part of you astray. They make you question yourself to make sure you never question them.

They will figuratively or literally beat this into you until your first instinct is no longer to listen to your gut and do what it says, but to dismiss it and do what it's telling you not to do. Existing becomes a chronic power struggle between your unconscious mind and your conscious mind. Unfortunately, the fact that you're struggling often then gets used against you as proof that you need to follow their teachings. Because if you're unhappy, then you must be doing something wrong. You just need to have a little more faith, dedicate a little more time to the religion/group, go a little harder into your duties... Only then will you feel better—feel more enlightened.

An integral part in making all this work is isolation. If you don't somehow isolate the members, they may figure out that they're being manipulated and abused.

Now, isolation doesn't always mean purely physical isolation (though Amane is being isolated physically to at least some capacity). Psychological isolation is almost just as powerful. An almost universal psychological isolation tactic used by extremist groups and cults is the "Us vs Them" mentality. We can see this being very prominent with Amane. A lot of things she talks about with regard to the cult involves an Us-vs-Them dynamic. There is "Us", the cult, and "Them", everyone else.

Personally, we were taught that those who weren't believers of our religion were out to get us or will, at the very least, get us hurt/killed somehow. We were told many people wanted us dead just for being believers. You had to be careful and watch out when interacting with non-believers; you couldn't trust them. God was constantly testing you via others, and you had to make sure you stayed faithful.

This in particular is why no matter if you vote guilty or innocent, that itself will not actually do anything to change her beliefs. Voting her guilty will not make her start to feel bad and then question her beliefs. Voting her innocent will not make her listen to us and then question her beliefs. If we make her have any doubt about the cult, that's just proof to her that what we're telling her is wrong and is just another "trial" from God for her to overcome. So, changing her beliefs should not be a factor considered when voting since it's completely irrelevant. Everything can be twisted to support the cult. That's just how it works.

I don't think any amount of punishment will make Amane "come to her senses". I mean... what could we possibly do to her that she hasn't already had to endure? Punishment will likely only escalate things even more. Not to mention that having a bit of a fascination with martyrdom isn't all that uncommon in those who have been religiously abused and indoctrinated. The threat of punishment may only serve to motivate her to double down on her beliefs and behavior. Not to say she wants and likes punishment. It's obvious she's both scared of punishment and wants it to stop. After all, that's most likely the motive behind the murder.

Even prior to Amane's age, I was already fantasizing about being a martyr. A part of me almost wanted to be killed for my religion and community. It was seen as something extremely admirable. The ultimate sacrifice, if you will. We were taught that if given the choice between saving yourself by denying your faith or letting yourself be hurt/killed by standing your ground, you should choose the latter. Of course, I also did not want that to happen at all. It scared me shitless. But we weren't allowed to be scared about that stuff. It was seen as questioning God and the religious authorities, which was completely taboo. So I had no choice but to "want" it.

Isolating Amane is the worst possible thing we could do to her. No one gets better from being isolated, and this goes double for people living in abusive environments. She's been isolated her whole life. The best thing for her would be spending time with the other prisoners without restrictions. The more time she spends around people who have no connection to the cult, the better. Trying to argue with those in cults about why they're wrong and why they are in a cult (because most don't even recognize they're in a cult due to the gaslighting, indoctrination, and stigma) will almost always backfire. The best thing to do is to just be there for them to have someone to interact with who is not a cult member.

The only reason I left the extremist religious community I grew up in was because I made a friend who was not affiliated with it. I don't think I would've been able to see that the conditions I was living in were Not Very Good without that friend. He didn't even really do anything to actively help me. Just learning more about the real world through him was enough to make me start looking closer at my life.

To vote her guilty would be to continue isolating her. Not just physically as the guilty prisoners get restrictions put on them, but it's also an inescapable psychological isolation. Innocent vs Guilty is just another Us vs Them dynamic.

I fear that, if she ends up guilty this trial, she will likely be voted guilty again in trial 3. Her aggression will probably only escalate as she feels herself becoming more and more cornered. And since I know many people are voting her guilty solely to make sure she doesn't hurt Shidou or other prisoners, I can only imagine what the voting will look like for her in trial 3 once she's forced to become even more aggressive to protect herself.

And tbh... I can't imagine that having a prisoner with 3 guilty verdicts will make for all that interesting of a story for them. Not that it would be boring, per se. But having variety would, in my opinion, be the most interesting and entertaining! So, if nothing else I've said has been able to sway those who vote her guilty, then think about the entertainment factor!

Please vote this severely traumatized 12 y/o girl innocent. We can give her so many secret cakes to eat.

#Milgram #milgram project #milgram amane #amane momose #milgram analysis #... i guess?#ミルグラム #yeah im pulling out all the stops for this #tw child abuse #tw religious abuse #tw cults #this is a bit less in-depth than i wanted. but i also have a horrible rambling problem and am attempting to be more concise LOL #ive got shit to say you know? /ref #im so passionate about amane #pls have mercy... free my girl...#im nervous about posting this 😔. not sure why #my social anxiety is horrible. but. i very much encourage discussion and such #for amane i will conquer my demons. they may know how to swim‚ but /i/ know how to poison the fucking water supply

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error-core-animations · 2 months

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SM(E) Chapter 2 and the oneshot about Rupert's pre-Mikey life are OUT!!!!!!

@tmntaucompetition the people need to see this. They need to see Mikey's stupid little outfit. It's imperative.

#rottmnt #rottmnt au #tw csa #tw abuse apologism #tw sa #eyestrain #tw religious abuse #rottmnt mikey #rottmnt april #rottmnt meatsweats #soulmates #soulmates (evil) au

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monstrousparalysis · 9 months

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Idk sounds like you just described love man. Not to be rude, i just genuinely don't understand how what you're saying isn't a type of love. Idk why you'd be engaged and care about someone if that isn't love. Are you saying you're a psychopath/sociopath? Even they can love, especially pets. Even if you love him in the same way you would a pet or a plant or a child, that's still love. It sounds like you just don't like the word love. Which is fine. Weird but fine. But all I've seen you describe is love for someone, even if you don't wanna call it that. That's whatever. But from the outside looking in, that's love and a pair of people engaged most would say would only happen in a loving relationship. Is your relationship not loving? Caring about someone? Giving someone the world is literally love. Help me understand please,

Okay so. Anon, please understand that I may get snappy at you, and that is because people, including you, having repeatedly told me that either I do not know my own feelings, or I am worse than a serial killer today.

(and that has been mixed with ableism to people with personality disorders, which also hurts because my fiance is one of them. Most people with antisocial personality disorder/"sociopaths" aren't evil, they can choose to hurt or not to hurt people the same way everybody else can.)

I am sorry if I sound snappy, because I do not want to attack you for being confused.

But you see. We can all agree that the word love is complicated, right? Sure, most people would call a happily engaged couple "in love". People can say they love their partners, their friends, their pets, nature, humanity, all of that. But that doesn't mean that love is all good.

Like my own fiance said when people told him not to settle for me if I can't love him: his conservative parents love him. His mom, who forcibly converted him to Catholicism, loves him. She did it out of concern for him, because she thought it was what's best for him. She loves him, and she hurt him. Those are both true.

And you can say all you want that that's not love, but she called it love. She hurt him out of concern for him. She wanted to protect him. Plenty of other people would call what she did love too.

So if love is so confusing, so complex, if nobody can agree on what it means, if all words are fake and feelings are complicated anyways. Then I can do the inverse. I can care about him deeply and want to give him the world and refuse to call it love.

If everyone in the world can talk about how love hurts, then I can talk about my lack of love that heals.

Maybe somebody else feeling these same feelings would call it love. Maybe they wouldn't. But that doesn't matter, because they're my feelings, and I am the one who can describe them best. And I will never call them love.

#rem's ramblings #questions for this bastard #lovelessness #loveless aromantic #loveless aro #loveless aplatonic #loveless #tw ableist language #tw parental abuse #tw religious abuse #arophobia #aromisia #aplphobia

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mon-mothmas-collar · 1 year

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it was actually incredibly therapeutic to me to watch ellie fucking murders a bunch of religious leaders and father-like abusers

#tw religion #tw religious abuse #tw toxic family #i live vicariously through her #the last of us spoilers #tlou spoilers #the last of us

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skaldish · 6 months

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My abusers use witchcraft and claim their Gods want to hurt me and have helped them hurt me but wouldn’t a God know the truth about my situation with my abusers and not help them hurt me? I get some Gods can be vengeful but would they really help an abuser?

The gods would know about your situation, and would not help an abuser carry out their punitive behavior.

As a rule of thumb: Anyone using the threat of divine retribution in order to scare you is 100% blackmailing you.

The point of this threat isn't to issue a truthful warning about the gods' capabilities, but to say whatever statement is most effective at controlling your thoughts and behaviors. Whether your abusers believe in their claims or not is purely incidental.

In my experience, gods don't pick sides in our interpersonal battles the same way we don't pick sides between two fighting kittens. In fact, the gods' instincts are the same as ours in this situation; they try to separate us so no one gets hurt further.

However, unlike us with felines, the gods can't pick us up bodily and move one of us behind a bathroom door until we calm down. But they can help find a way for us to disengage.

I know this ask comes late, so I hope it finds you well.

#answered #tw abuse #tw religious abuse #tw spiritual abuse

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star-ocean-peahen · 2 months

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I was watching one of those reddit reading videos (i'm pretty picky about the channels i watch for those because it's really easy to tip into misinformation and shock entertainment as opposed to the Tea and some reality checks) and I'm crying right now because I just read one about a kid whose family destroyed all their unicorn memorabilia because they thought it was "satanic", and when the mom came to her senses and tried getting the kid some unicorn trinkets along with an apology the kid just. stared apathetically and said they didn't want it anymore. and fuck, fake story or not, that's fucking real. the guilt and self-loathing and self-denial that comes with being told you're in danger of becoming evil if you love the wrong things or you love something too much is traumatizing. it's so hard to let yourself care about things after that, when you're supposed to weaponize your own joy against you.

for me that seeped into every decision i made. sometimes it just made me uncomfortable, other times i would punish myself for wanting food when i was hungry.

i watched the movie Big Hero Six once with some youth group friends, and after the movie i asked one of my friends what she thought of the movie. the first thing she said was "Um, I thought it was kind of heretical." she was referring to the credits song, which is titled "Immortals". the song is about feeling invincible when with a person you love. but it had the word immortals in it, so it would lure me away from God and ruin my life if I listened to it. (she did like the movie btw she wasn't being a jerk thats just how we were raised)

I loved that song. And I hated myself for loving it. Every time I watched the movie or heard it somewhere, I would fight a painful internal battle of the part of me that enjoyed the song and the part of me that was afraid of doom and annihilation.

I thought by not rejecting the "worldly" joys, i was rejecting God and the infinity of good things he represented, because I was just that stupid that I would pick a momentary joy over eternity. I believed I was choosing my own death by loving non-Christian things.

I don't really have a good end to this. I guess my point is that this kind of thing doesn't automatically seem so destructive, but it really can be.

#i was even raised relatively freely #nobody invaded my boundaries to enforce this #nobody ever told my the state of my soul rested on my ability to love the right things only #they actually tried very hard to impress upon me that things you do aren't going to send you to hell its faith not works and all that #and ngl that messed me up a lot because i couldn't pinpoint a reason why i felt that way #hhhhh #i really feel for the person who wrote that story if theyre even real #i get it man #i get it #tw christianity #tw religion #tw religious trauma #tw religious abuse #lassie vents #vent

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babyspacebatclone · 4 months

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My brain’s been in a downward spiral for a while now.

I have something I am close to being inspired by, but I really need some interaction from people to maintain my interest.

So, four years later, would people be interested in me getting up a side blog devoted to Horde Prime from SPoP as an exploration on Cults, Abuse, and Cult Manipulation Tactics?

It would be given a Mature tag across the blog, because I’d want to be able to discuss real world cults and survivors’ experiences.

#horde prime #prime makes everything worse #tw cult #tw abuse #tw religious abuse

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blessedarethequeer · 1 year

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I don't think I will ever fully understand other Christians who force such a distorted, corrupted image of God down others' throats while threatening hellfire and pain should we vomit out the poison they scatter

if your God is a God who demands unquestioning obedience and calls you to build walls that separate and isolate you from empathy/love/solidarity with others who aren't like you, while the alternative being nothing but eternal punishment, that's not a Savior, that's an abuser and a tyrant

and abusers and tyrants are far from being worthy of worship.

#cardinal Cupich tweeted in prayer for Muslim folks aproaching Ramadan and drawing parallells to Lent #but all the replies are just trad caths with twitter brainrot being awful #honestly the prize for most brainrot take goes to 'calling muslim people our sisters and brothers is actually severe heresy'#s c r e a m s #Lord grant me patience #one of the greatest blessings ive received in my faith is not being raised in church #tw religious abuse #tw religious trauma

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justbreakonme · 11 months

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I’m sneaking my younger sister to a Pride prom without telling my parents, and…

It feels like the longest, heaviest thing I’ve ever been a part of.

My parents are “love the sinner, hate the sin” types, and while they aren’t dangerous, it’s not ideal.

Some of her friends are less sure. It’s hard to know, and dangerous to assume.

I get texts from people, kids who I don’t know, asking for advice. Essentially strangers, but, my sister gives them my number so they had someone to ask these questions, to just…talk.

And it throws me back immediately to when I was sitting in my room crying, texting my uncle who I barely saw, because there was no one else I knew that was an adult that was out. No one who was living proof that I could grow up and things would be okay, that things wouldn’t feel this way forever.

It feels like a long chain of people, holding hands reaching back into history, and I didn’t realize my link in it until I was no longer the tail.

This isn’t meant to be a depressing post, not really. As awful as the need for it is, the idea that this multi-generational chain exists is…overwhelming.

#tw homophobia #not whump #pride 2023 #tw religious abuse #just a weight off of my chest #homophobia #lqbtqia

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dreary-clouds · 2 months

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i do get jealous, sometimes, when people talk about missing the time «before» they were traumatized, or before their abuse started, or whatnot. because i do not have a before. my abuse started on day one. i have no fond memories of being a child because i have no memories of being a child. everything was done with a purpose, and now we must bear that burden for the rest of our lives.

i know i was told that i was a mistake, that i was not wanted but god brought me into the world to atone for the sins of those who made me. and that i had to accept those punishments without question, because i too, harbored the original sin and they were only trying to cleanse me of it. that this is what i was made for, and so i should just let it happen, and that trying to stop it was only adding more sin to the pile.

i was told that god created me as a vessel through which others could cleanse themselves; that i had a purpose which i could not yet understand but which was very important. i was told that through pain my own sins could be cleansed—though, in truth, i had committed none—and through cleansing me, others would be forgiven.

i was told these things and i believed them—i still do, sometimes—because a small child does not know any better than that. i believed that even though i was not someone my parents had wanted, god had given me a purpose, which it was my moral duty to fulfill, lest i be responsible for «good, innocent people» being sent to hell.

but those were not good, innocent people. and if they did achieve salvation through me, i hope that in my absence they became damned even further.

#bee.txt #kai.txt #kind of a blurry mess of the two of us so the feelings of remembering and forgetting are mixed #but i would like to write this before it disappears from my consciousness again #because i know it will #it always does #tw religious trauma #tw religious abuse #religious trauma #religious abuse #tw ramcoa #cw religion #cw ramcoa #ramcoa

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0809sysblings · 3 months

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amane hours. purge march hours.

this is a draft from. october. i want it out so im posting it.

it just really hits different thinking about The Everything. like idk. the pain of having two families, a biological family and a Family Through Faith, both of which would not hesitate to hurt you if you can't be what they want you to be.. its like. man. not only is the family who is obligated to "care" for you by law not actually your family, but the family that says it actively chooses to "care" for you is also not your family. because they both hate you for who you are and want to change you to fit their idea of who they think you should be.

but the feelings that result from not receiving love from your biological family or your religious family cannot even compare to the feeling of not being loved by God (and feeling this way is just a natural and inevitable consequence of it all). the person they tell you is the Only one who will always love you, the person they tell you is so merciful and loving... not even he seems willing to give you love. what does that say about you...?

to strive for perfection in this environment is to be striving to be loved. to be striving to be able to Feel love. to be striving to feel worthy of living. to be striving to not feel soul-crushing guilt over occupying space.

love and care is dangled in front of you by three entire sources, 24/7. and yet not even one of them will give it to you.

Amane... the concepts of love and happiness being held above her for her entire life as things she could maybe deserve to be gifted if she's good enough... but she's not yet. maybe after putting some more work in, proving more dedication to the faith, overcoming more trials.... maybe then. just not yet.

then you reach the goals they set and they tell you you're finally learning how to be obedient and not living a life of sin. but that was only the beginning. you still have a long, long journey ahead of you to become what they say is the only purpose and meaning your life has.

#Amane #amane hours #tw religion #tw abuse #tw religious abuse #i guess i was going through it when i wrote this tho i dont really remember why. or really remember much of writing this in the first place #oh well. take it #me like 8yrs old being told my only purpose in life is to be a servant for god: yes of course!!! i cant wait to fulfill my purpose!!! :D!!#me now looking back: Hey What The Fuck Actually.

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