#violence here and there. it was an interesting outlet for sure. i basically always did it with a friend as well. bonding <3

[kenobihater]

reblog for a bigger sample size of former angry, creative, and/or highly dramatic children

#len asks #strangling tw #choking tw #drowning tw #<- ik followers and moots need those tagged but lmk if there's any more you want me to add #polls #personally i mostly hung my toys up. not in like a morbid way but i thought it was fun to swing them from trees #DEF threw them off structures in a morbid way. and melted their faces off in a morbid way. and gave them swirlies in a morbid way #i usually only did that to free mcdonalds toys and i don't think i ever did any of this to my expensive toys but i did like a bit of #violence here and there. it was an interesting outlet for sure. i basically always did it with a friend as well. bonding <3 #OH and we put out sparklers on an action figure once before tying blackcats to him and throwing him off a bridge. fun times! #oh and the freezer. i think that's it tho and i honestly only did most of these things once bc the novelty wore off #gonna periodically rb this for a bigger sample size. i will be HIGHLY disappointed in y'all if 'none' sweeps

[arlingtonpark]

SNK 138 Review

The moral of this chapter is that the rumbling is all Mikasa’s fault. #truth. 

Mikasa loves Eren. She loves, loves, loves him.

Eren’s family brought her into their home and they became her new family. Eren wrapped a scarf around her, and she never forgot that. Mikasa wanted to live a quiet, peaceful life with Eren, and nothing would stop that from coming true.

No matter how many times that suicidal blockhead got into trouble, she’d bail him out. Bullies, titans, warriors. On the street or on the battlefield.

She’s indulged Eren’s pursuit of freedom, but she’s always kept her eyes on what was always on the horizon: a mountain cottage with just her and Eren. Basically her old life but with her new family this time.

It’s what she’s always wanted. It was her wish.

But she failed.

This time, Eren went too far. In multiple meanings of that phrase.

Eren is easily the worse thing to ever happen to humanity. Like, maybe a giant asteroid hitting the planet would be worse, but idk. We saw there were many survivors, but it’s genuinely a question if human civilization can bounce back from this.

The human death toll is only the tip of the iceberg. Food and shelter will be hard to come by. Vital infrastructure is destroyed, so shipping emergency supplies into damaged areas will be impossible. Not just food, but medicine and materials to rebuild. The rumbling also probably ruined a lot of farmland, so there won’t be any food for a long time no matter what. Now consider the environment Eren caused. Many habitats were probably crushed, which means there is a mass dying off of animal life to come. And on and on, deeper and deeper into the abyss.

The whole planet is screwed.

Oh, yeah, and he killed most of his friends.

Not even Mikasa can save Eren from all this.

Mikasa has always clung to the hope of a simple life with Eren, but what she realizes in that vision she has is that there is no hope. Her dreams are dead.

I’ve been very critical of Mikasa for being slow to realize that. She just wasn’t making any progress with accepting Eren needed to die. Every single time it was brought up that they had to kill Eren, Mikasa would react like it’s the first time she’s heard it. Every discussion of that need seemed to bounce right off her.

There was no progress, and as a reader, that was so frustrating. She couldn’t accept it right until the last second. I was so sure Isayama was setting up a scenario where Mikasa failed to let Eren go at the moment of truth, and then she would be the one to get killed.

(Dark? Yeah, but the Earth is ruined, so why the fuck not?)

How Mikasa comes to let go of Eren and her dreams was so beautifully done that I honestly think it makes up for all the thick-headedness we got from her up until now.

The takeaway from Mikasa’s vision is that it’s not real. It’s not her reality. She could have told Eren how she really felt back then, but she didn’t and it’s too late to take it back.

Arguably, it was too late even before they joined the military. Eren’s death was guaranteed when he gained the Attack Titan. Living alone with Eren was always going to last a handful of years.

I think that’s what Mikasa realizes in this sequence. This world where she essentially gets what she wants is not her world. It’s not even a memory she can cherish. It’s what she wants, but cannot have now.

It’s a long dream.

(As far as Mikasa is concerned)

I don’t actually know what this vision is supposed to be exactly. Maybe it’s an alternate reality or a previous reality (ie a timeloop). Maybe Mikasa is seeing this because of Eren or maybe it’s her ackerblood. That can be explained later, but for now, it doesn’t matter.

The point is that Mikasa’s life is cruel, and she needs to focus on what little, minor, insignificant parts of it are beautiful.

It would have been easy to kill Eren in righteous fury. He harmed and killed so many people. I for one am glad he’s dead, and I hope he burns in hell. And I don’t think anyone would’ve been surprised if Mikasa killed him with horrified tears in her eyes. But that’s not what happened.

She killed him with a smile on her face. She killed him as an act of love. I think a big part of why Eren made so many people suffer is that he himself was suffering. The way he saw it, so long as people existed outside the walls, he couldn’t be free, and so long as he wasn’t free, he would struggle endlessly until the day he died. He would never know peace.

That doesn’t make him worthy of anyone’s sympathy, but it does make Mikasa’s slaying of him an act of kindness.

In hindsight, Mikasa was always going to be the one to kill him. She was the only one who’s killing of Eren could be reasonably presented as an act of love.

At last Mikasa has returned Eren’s favor: she wrapped the scarf around him. Just as Eren ended her suffering by taking her in, Mikasa has ended Eren’s suffering by taking his life.

Instead of thinking of all the harm Eren’s caused, Mikasa chose to think of the good he did.

Eren did wrap the scarf around her. What he’s done since does not diminish that kindness. In the time they knew each other, they were in it together, against the titans, and both enemies in the walls and outside it. And they cared about each other.

Is that petty compared to all the people Eren’s killed?

Yes, it is.

If you didn’t know him personally, that is. I’m willing to grant that Mikasa’s relationship with Eren makes her justified in having a unique perspective on him and his actions.

If this vision means anything, it means Eren loved her. What’s sad is that the closest Mikasa will ever get to experiencing that love is kissing his corpse.

But Mikasa isn’t abandoning Eren either. Like in Trost, she accepts that she cannot live with him, but pledges to live on regardless.  Eren tells Mikasa to forget about him because apparently he thinks that to move on from him, she has to reject him completely. She has to reject even the memories she has of him.

Mikasa refuses. She even puts the scarf on as she’s preparing to kill him. Like in Trost, she promises to remember Eren even as she moves on from him.

What makes this moment so much more powerful than the one in Trost is that this time Mikasa is the one killing Eren.

I think this chapter cements Mikasa as a person of profound emotional strength. Who among us could kill their loved one as an act of mercy and smile the whole way through?

Mikasa killed Eren out of love rather than vengefulness, and in doing so, she has broken the cycle of violence.

Hallelujah!

I guess.

Eren is dead, the rumbling is over, and most of the cast is dead too. Soooooooo…, where do we go from here?

The sequence with Mikasa was great, but taking a wider view of the story, I’m left wondering how Isayama is going to play the aftermath of this disaster.

Attack on Titan is not as hopeful a story as people think it is. “The world is cruel, but also beautiful.” I think people pay too much attention to the latter half of that quote. Yes, hope glimmers through the darkness, but that’s all it does. It glimmers. The light is still enveloped in darkness.

Just ask yourself: what are we supposed to make of all this?

The climax is over, but it’s basically a wash for everyone involved. Humanity survived, but will have to deal with famine and ruination for decades to come. Eren succeeded in crippling humanity, but failed to fully wipe them out. The Alliance saved humanity, but at the cost of not only their lives, but the lives of their loved ones, too.

There is nothing beautiful about this.

In the real world, violence and cruelty are not as common as Attack on Titan would have you believe. I think the series is smart on how it’s described people overcoming their animosity: everyone has a monster inside them and everyone needs to work hard to keep that monster in check. Unfortunately, the series vastly overestimates how powerful that monster is.

“I got the idea for Attack on Titan from a computer game. The whole universe was under attack from aliens. I thought if those monsters ate humans, that would be pretty interesting. The cruelty of man-eating titans. I think it came from my experience of growing up in a farm. As a child, I remember thinking ‘all living creatures must get nutrition from other living creatures to survive.’ We might call it cruel, but it is actually the norm.”

-Isayama, on his inspirations for Attack on Titan

Humans are not like animals. Human beings have created a complex web of sociopolitical and economic relationships called “society” which other animals do not have. Yes, humans commit violence because of a need they must have satisfied, similar to how an animal hunts for nutrition, but human needs are strongly affected by society.

What this means is that it is always possible to modify society so those needs can be met through less violent means.

Humans have a strong need for community. But nationalism isn’t the only way to express or satisfy that need. There are other outlets like sports or religion that can do the job. I’m not saying that Floch would’ve turned out alright if he’d gotten a hobby he could pal around with everyone with…well, actually, yes, that’s exactly what I’m saying.

Extremism is always a choice. It is never inevitable.

Attack on Titan acknowledges that people can do better individually, but I don’t think it’s ever acknowledged that herd mentality doesn’t always hold.

And no, I’m not counting the Marleyans at Ft. Salta as an example of that. They made peace with the Eldians en masse, but then Isayama, almost as if to mock the very idea of making amends, has the Eldians turn into titans and destroy the fort.

An ending where Eren outright wins was never going to happen. The laws of good storytelling required that he get a comeuppance for resorting to the rumbling. That didn’t mean the Alliance had to win.

After reading the chapter, I was left with an overwhelming sense of emptiness. No one really got what they wanted even though they all basically lost everything. I’m glad there’ll be one final chapter to sort it all out because it can’t end like this.

Eren committed the most despicable act imaginable; the Alliance acted bravely to stop him. The story can’t end with the Alliance no better off than him.

He was going to die no matter what, so the simple fact that he’s dead and (some) of the Alliance are alive isn’t much of a consolation.  

Even humanity being alive doesn’t really mean Eren failed. Paradis is self-sufficient and mostly intact. They can ride out whatever environmental blowback the rumbling causes with little trouble. Any leg up Paradis gets because of what Eren did is a victory for him.

Something more needs to happen that really sticks it to Eren. I don’t know what that could be, but next chapter will hopefully be the Eren POV we’ve been waiting for, so my fingers are crossed that Isayama will have something up his sleeve.

Remaining question marks include the worm thing, Historia’s baby, and the fallout from this possible timeloop reveal. All three of these plot points could easily be fumbled in the final chapter in a way that ruins the ending.

If Historia’s child is really born with titan powers, then they’ll die by age 13. It’s like being born with a crippling birth defect. Hooray?

As for Historia herself, what role did she play in Eren’s plan, really? Everyone’s assumed the details of her pregnancy have been obscured because it’s relevant to the main action of the story. Somehow.

It’d be really lame if she was just a passive bystander. If the pregnancy was only tenuously relevant to the rumbling.

One idea I’ve toyed with is that the final chapter will actually be Historia’s POV and we’ll learn Eren’s POV through her.

We still don’t know what else was said between Eren and Historia when they discussed his plans. That conversation was a critical juncture for Eren: he confided his plans in a friend and they came out strongly against it. Returning to that moment is a good opportunity for us to see what Eren really thinks and what’s really driving him. And that can be done through Historia’s perspective.

Everything about the worm thing is a mess and I wish Isayama had kept it out of the story. Like, yes, this thing is “the source of all organic life” as Kruger put it. It is the first complex lifeform to evolve on Earth and all living species are descended from it.

Why does it have supernatural powers?

The worm thing’s motivation has been described as being to simply propagate, which is to say it’s more a force of nature than an intelligent being acting on a cognitive thought.

Its actions are purely conative. It acts purposefully, but not out of intelligent thought, like how a hyena acts to obtain food for itself. It has a goal it strives to achieve, but not in the same way as humans do.

(The greatest tragedy in Attack on Titan is that this distinction is apparently lost on Isayama)

I don’t know how the worm thing will be dealt with; I just think it’s weird to introduce this thing as a late stage antagonist when it’s just an animal doing its thing.

Speaking of questionable, late stage additions to the story: all this timeloop business.

We’re really doing this now? In the second to last chapter???

This is like if episode ten of Madoka Magica was the last episode. What can the existence of a timeloop add to this story-that’s-already-over.

How did it start? By what means? To what end? What does this add to the characters and themes of SNK?

Everything about is just… ??????

If nothing else, I expect the final chapter to at least try and resolve these plot points.

Next chapter is the last. Ladies and gentlemen, our final moments together are upon us. It has been a privilege playing with you tonight.

#shingeki no kyojin #attack on titan #snk 138 #snk chapter 138 #snk spoilers

[dangermousie]

That is seriously like attracting the attention of the neighborhood serial killer.

The thing that MG2018 gets wrong for me is that it removes any stakes from Makino’s act of bravery and defiance. MG2018 hero is hardly going to gang up on the heroine getting the whole school to bully her in a horrible fashion. Her stakes are close to nil. Here, we have seen what a complete violent headcase Domyoji is and the reign of terror he runs at school and she still confronts him.

That takes hardcore guts.

Also, God, that kid is a horrible horrible dumpster fire of a human being and I always loathe him so in the beginning and yet somehow by the end of s1 I end up madly in love.

Like:

He is basically borderline a psychopath. Here he is terrorizing flunkies for not running Makino out of school but literally shoving them underwater.

This is longer than the interstate so the rest is behind read more.

Said flunkies decide an attempted rape is a good way to get rid of her and even though Rui stops it (on which more below), Domyoji is hardly pleased. I mean, his friends literally have to tell him:

And his reaction to finding out that’s what his flunkies intended is - whatever, I don’t care, I just want her out. (It goes with the fact that he has never had to govern his impulses, wishes or temper so when he meets any obstacle, however minute, to immediate gratification, he goes insane.)

Speaking of friends, and yes, that includes the beauteous Rui (Oguri Shun is the sole time in any adaptation I did not find Rui boring btw.) They are just as sociopathic as Domyouji because they see their friend is an out of control raging id who keeps hurting people and they do not even attempt to stop him whatsoever but are just “ehhh whatever.” They may be better socialized than he is, but they are just as prone to not seeing beyond the class barrier.

But the thing is, we meet Domyoji Mama and so much is explained in so few words. She is a woman who hasn’t seen her son for six months and doesn’t bother to greet him, whose only words during the reunion dinner is to fire a chef for no reason. The meal at that grand house, at that giant table where they are at the opposite ends and you see his face as he watches his mother treat the chef as a nonperson and you realize where he learned that from and that he’s never had a chance to be normal with that upbringing, and even the fact that he identifies more with the Chef than his mother because he realizes that she feels about as much for him as she does for the help and would get rid of him any time she found him inconvenient - it’s a brilliant scene. He is someone who’s never got the love or even interest of a parent, one love most children take for granted, and that warped him like mad, combined with the inherent icy, classist attitude exhibited by her where she treats everyone as a chattel and that has warped him into what he is today, someone who is full of thwarted rage and never sees other people as people (and I think that is why he later fixates on Makino like a limpet - no emotionally healthy person with other outlets fixates like that. PS even by the end, he is still not someone who sees people as people by default. Makino is in his very small circle of people he perceives as “real” and separate but overall he will always remain not overly invested in others though he gets much much much better.)

No wonder he goes off brawling with strangers in the streets as an outlet while Makino may have a poor family meal but a loving warm one where they are all squished close to each other and happy.

Aha!!! The iconic scene! I always cheer when she punches him out because it is so richly deserved but I love her speech that he has never earned a dime in his life and is just bragging about his parents, not himself, even more. SHE IS AWESOME.

And she punches him out and he falls in love on the spot. HAH!!!! Look at that stunned, smitten face!!! Of course, that fact has its own story to tell about his insane relationship with violence especially since this reminds him of when his beloved older sister used to punch him out and I am not sure what is more messed up - that he falls in love with a girl for reminding him of his sister (who is the sole person in the world to show him love before - hmmmm) or that he associates caring and violence because what he really dreads is indifference. Hmmmm

She is tough as hell and she knocked him down. Of course he is in love!

And the ep ends on the hilarious to me scene - only Domyoji would think an acceptable way to ask a girl to be your girlfriend is to have your flunkies chloroform her to deliver her to your house for a make-over first.

Honestly, the fact that the jdrama goes so OTT in a very committed way really works because if you make it more realistic, the set up becomes hugely problematic because in RL violent emotionally abused headcases do not ever make an OK boyfriend. But by making it an absurd, darkly comedic, screwed-up romantic fairytale, it paradoxically makes it more acceptable and believable because this isn’t the real world, this is the funhouse mirror world of BOF and the fun and the romance and the insanity are irresistible.

#jdrama #hana yori dango #boys over flowers #inoue mao #matsujun #matsumoto jun #long ass post

[blossomandglow]

(1) thank you so much for all your words and the time you put into this! your writing style is amazing - I really appreciate it and you nailed so much stuff - my mars trines my jupiter by 2 degree so yep, the thing with over indulging is true as well haha actually mars is my most aspected planet, it also squares pluto and my asc aaand saturn. nice t square I have there 🙈

(2) but I‘ve also got a grand earth trine and a kite Formation going on (with the pointing bit to my venus conjunct sun in the 8th) so I really shouldn‘t complain. the part in the end where you gave some perspective on what my profession could look like was especially interesting to read, since that’s a question I’m asking myself a lot.(3) I’m pursuing my masters in rhetoric and international public law - I’ve always been into international relations and politics but I don‘t think I‘d be too much of a good politician, always loved the thought of being a diplomat tho. well - whatever I may be in the end, again: thank you so so much!! all the best for you, and your children ♥️ (and sorry for those horrendously long asks/messages!)

Awww, thank you! Getting responses to my responses is my favorite, lol, so your asks don’t bother me at all! I appreciate feedback. [original ask/answer here]

There are a lot of various specific careers within politics and diplomacy, and I’m sure as you keep following your interests, the path will become clear to you, step by step, and then probably meander or detour as you go, as careers often do.

The Mars T-square is worrisome, and warrants a second look, because it can create a tension that could find expression physically, through accidents or even violence (although it also powers and strengthens your career.) 

Now, did you mean that your Mars is in opposition to your Ascendant? Since your Pluto/ascendant is in Scorpio and Mars in Taurus, and then I assume both are squaring Saturn?

Potential accidents are most likely to affect your physical body (1st house and 6th house) or occur in your workplace or while traveling to work or while exercising (6th house). Employees can be a potential source of this tension (6th house Mars) so I would be extra careful of vetting employees, and clean my own damn house (no maids) if I were you. I would stick to bodyweight exercises (no equipment needed) and stay away from exercise machines or weights. You can also channel that Mars opposition Pluto energy in a positive way by studying martial arts, because you will be releasing explosive “violent” type energy, but in a non-violent way. And adding to your own security toolkit. Win-win!

I would also watch out for your own managers or supervisors trying to coerce you, use you, blackmail you, or throw you under the bus. Politics can be like that. Always keep receipts and don’t make friends with employees or employers. But also remember that NONE of that can hold you back from your destiny. 

Basically, there’s no need for paranoia, but you want to think about channeling that natal Mars-Pluto-Saturn energy to YOUR benefit, and not letting it “happen to you” (the danger zone is when either your natal Mars, Saturn and Pluto are activated by transiting planets via aspect.) It will find an outlet in your life, one way or another, so you can try to guide it proactively. 

#t-square #astrology #astrology ask #ask #saturn square pluto #mars square saturn #mars opposition pluto #6th house #1st house #ascendant #pluto conjunct ascendant #blossomandglow

[doomedandstoned]

AS I DIE AT MY DESK

Interview by Shawn Gibson

Can you tell me the meaning of the band name As I Die At My Desk? I imagine dying in a cubicle in corporate hell!

The honest answer to this is that it was a joke. I overheard a co worker say it at work and I thought it would be a hilarious band name. It is also a bit ironic as I always told myself that I would do work I truly love and follow my passions as they tell you that stuff in high school and college and it hasn't worked out that way for me yet! I am not deterred. I do get to make music in my spare time. Music gets to be my fun escape. It gets to be my artistic outlet that I don't have to share if I don't want to. All that aside I am a man who loves to laugh and loves to joke. Despite the themes and sounds of the music which are very real and emotionally heavy for me, the band name was a way to take the piss out of the situation. I can laugh at myself for being a weirdo who likes heavy music, where people scream and howl like demons and laugh even harder at how ridiculous I must look doing that in the bedroom for my music. I am pretty serious about most things, but I have to remember to have fun. That is what I think is important. I'm sorry it's not a very metal answer!

Suicide as Cleansing by As I Die at My Desk

You do everything in As I Die At My Desk, all instruments right?

Yes, I do all instruments and my main goal is to try to not suck. I actually record through a pre amp and I use different virtual amp sims like Amplitube for my tones. I used my Sterling by Music Man John Petrucci 7 string guitar, Ibanez BTB7 7 string bass, and an Alesis brand electric drum set for this record. It's a pretty basic setup, but given the size of my recording space, it's the best I can do. I have been writing for the past eight years or so. This is my first attempt at a metal release despite the fact I am a huge metal head! I was pretty happy with what I was able to do by myself.

What are your influences musically?

My influences range from classical music to jazz to anything under the rock umbrella. I am particularly interested in Soviet era composers. Dmitri Shostakovich, Sergei Prokofiev, and Igor Stravinsky. The first instrument I started playing was a cello at age 10. I graduated college in 2016 and gave a recital featuring Shostakovich and Prokofiev. The desperation and darkness they were able to convey so beautifully have influenced me greatly. I don't have a lot of experience with jazz, but the works of Coltrane, Thelonios Monk and especially Miles Davis have influenced me, as well. I just love especially experimental music and anything that ties to reshape and reform the genres wherein they find themselves pigeonholed. My music doesn't really sound like it to me, but Dream Theater and Iron Maiden are two of my favorites. I didn't actually start to get into doom or sludge until college. Now I love that stuff! Eyehategod is one of my newer favorite bands, as well as Sumac and YOB.

What are some of your favorite books and movies?

I tend to read non-fiction. I am a big history nerd. However I have spent a lot of time in the fiction world, as well. Some of my favorites are Catch 22 by Joseph Heller, Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoyevsky, Twelve Chairs by Ilf and Petrov. I am a big Lynch and Tarantino fan! Blue Velvet and Eraserhead are two of my favorite films. Reservoir Dogs had a really big impact on me, as well. I first saw it when I was 14. It was so gritty and real to me then. That was a very realistic show of violence.

Are you a fan of horror books or movies?

I was a bigger fan of horror when I was in high school. I must have read every Stephen King a dozen times. I don't tend to like a lot of horror books or movies. There are some exceptions, I love monster movies. Give me Jaws or Godzilla any day! I tend to like movies that are creepy or unsettling, but I don't get into paranormal stuff. There are plenty of flesh and blood horrors in our world that are much more terrifying than ghosts.

You have some very heavy music with some very dark themes. What inspired 'Suicide As Cleansing' as your album title?

I am depressed and have anxiety. What more is there to say? To answer your question, though, the title popped into my head one day. I remember I was reading something on social media about mental health and the act of suicide. Someone described suicide as an act of cleansing. That idea stuck with me and I thought about it for quite some time. I decided to use that in an overall positive way. I thought that since I was channeling my negative and destructive feeling into my music, I was attempting to kill myself. Attempting to kill a bad part of myself that I don't want to have to deal with all the time and thus conducting a cleansing of sorts. I wanted that to be the album title because it reflected the whole reason I was making the record. It doesn't help to keep those feelings bottled up cause they fester. I urge anyone who has suicidal or self harming thoughts to seek help. Talk to people; they will listen. You may feel like it doesn't help, but it does. I struggle, but I feel better when I know I'm safe to talk about it. Here's why I give my wife a huge shout-out for being so supportive and understanding!

What was the inspiration for your songs on 'Suicide As Cleansing'?

The inspiration for this whole record was feeling trapped and depressed. Modern day life appears to be doing that for younger generations these days. Waking up one day and realizing careers that you were dead set on are no longer sustainable. Seeing all of the political strife becoming more prominent and ruining friendly and familial relationships. We live in a very depressing world. I don't need to get into all the issues facing us but there are many and enough that are potentially world ending are enough, to make anyone uneasy. In that way I feel that genuine themes of feeling trapped, powerless, isolated and really angry are appropriate.

I would say "No Pride" is one of my favorites. The gallop of the drums, the riff! I feel myself rocking and swaying. Definitely banging my head!

Thanks! It might be my favorite song on the album. It was actually fun to record that one and I did it in far fewer takes than the other ones.

"Trapped In The Bass-Ment" is hypnotizing! It's almost a chance to catch your breath from the other six songs that precede it!

I appreciate the comments! The whole track was written and recorded in one sitting. I am a big fan of drone and ambient music so it seemed fitting. I felt that even I needed a break after "No Pride." It just hit me really hard in conjunction with all the earlier tracks. I worried it might be boring for people, but I silenced that voice. I try to make music for myself, but I really appreciate it when people like my work!

"Annihilate Me" is the equivalent of the musical Dim Mak! Nine-minutes-and-fifty-eight seconds of destruction! Tell me about this song.

"Annihilate Me" was written over a span of about three days. I was in the middle of a very depressive episode and I remember sitting down with my guitar and playing the heaviest, angriest, gnarliest stuff I could get out of it. There was no preconceived plan as to lyrics or vocals. After I recorded the guitars and drums, I screamed anything that came to mind. It was a very cathartic episode and I view it as the perfect ending to an unpleasant journey.

Where did the artwork for 'Suicide As Cleansing' come from? What does it mean to you?

The cover art is a photograph taken from my lovely wife, who gets another shout-out. We were hiking at the Englewood Metropark and we noticed the tree almost all by itself. She took a bunch of photos of it because it was cool and interesting, also creepy. One thing I remember clearly, was the tree's base was covered with these beautiful yellow flowers. In a way I felt it represented the album. The tree itself was dead and bare. It was a little unsettling especially in the photos my wife took. The fact that life had sprung from this dead tree seemed to fit this theme of killing a part of yourself or perhaps a rebirth.

Calculating the Cost of Existence by As I Die at My Desk

Your second album 'Calculating The Cost of Existence' (2019) came out in December. What can you tell us about the new project?

I will say in terms of sound, the new record came out with a different sound. It's a doomy, sludgey mess for sure. There are more introspective parts included. The music is expressing a greater array of feelings than the first.

Another one-man effort?

Yes, I did all the instruments again. As long as I possess the tools to do it, it certainly makes it easier in the creative process not having to deal with other personalities or egos on something so deeply personal to me. Now with that said, I don't mind collaborating or anything in the future.

Is that strenuous at times doing everything in the band?

The worst part about recording is I am not the best musician. It is strenuous when I have to perform everything and I am not that great. (laughs) My skills on guitar and drums are intermediate at best. I have played bass longer so I am a much more confident bass player than I am anything else but that's not saying a lot. It also doesn't help that I don't like the sound of my voice. I fancy myself as a composer, not a performer.

As I Die At My Desk is from Dayton Ohio right?

Yes, the band is based out of Dayton, where I have lived for most of my life so far.

What are some bands from Ohio you love?

To be honest, I don't know a ton of bands from Ohio. I will say I am a fan of Mouth of the Architect and Others by No One out of Dayton, Cloudkicker out of Columbus. Oh I can't forget Skeletonwitch!

Have you been to Ohio Doomed and Stoned Fest?

This might be shocking but I have never heard of Ohio Doomed and Stoned Fest. So no I haven't been but I am certainly interested now!

Will As I Die At My Desk play live or tour down the road?

Well, As I Die At My Desk will probably remain a studio entity. As I said I wouldn't be opposed to any kind of collaboration or possible touring but I don't have any plans for that at the moment. Now for my pretentious answer. As an artist I do not want to feel confined to any one medium as it exists. As I Die At My Desk was born out of specific life circumstances. As long as these circumstances provide emotional weight and depth for me, this project will continue. Once that source dries up(if it ever really does) then I will move on to a new project. As it stands I have a few other projects that I am working on that I can't discuss much yet. Stay tuned!

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Collateral Damage [M]

↬ Pairing: Gang!OT12 | Baekhyun x OC/Sehun x OC

↬ Summary:

“Life belongs to the living, and he who lives must be prepared for changes”– Johann Wolfgang

Chanyeol certainly never thought his life would transpire the way it has. At 19, he never expected to become a guardian and have to support the both of them. He hadn't planned on running one of the most successful gangs at the age of 24, but of all the things he hadn't planned on, he certainly wasn't prepared for the day his rivals kidnapped his sister. Everyone knows that you never touch Chanyeol’s sister but his rivals seemed to have missed that little detail and had no idea about the war they just started.

↬ Word Count: 6.6k

↬ Warnings: Drugs, Abuse(s), Violence, and Death

↬ Genre: Angst

↬ Part: Trailer | 1

Chanyeol handed her the popsicle he had just bought with a smile, “Aren’t you having one?” she asked.

“Don’t worry, I’ve already eaten.” He lied. His stomach growled while he watched her happily eat the ice cream, he had bought her. Leaning back on his hands the two enjoyed the sunlight in front of the gas station down the road from where they lived. The curb had become a second home during the summer and unlike most siblings, he enjoyed having her around.

“Minah…” He let her name hang in the air to grab her attention.

“Hmm?”

“You know once school starts, we’ll be at different schools now, right?” the smile fell from her lips and she nodded. Chanyeol would be starting high school this year which put them at different schools and both would be released at different times. “I don’t want you going home by yourself.” The heavy topic sobered the mood. “He’s gotten worse and I don’t want you there without me, so either come here or go to the library and I’ll come to get you so we can walk home together.”

She leaned over and hugged him as tightly as she could. It would be the first time they would be separated like this since she came to her current foster home. The two of them had dubbed it the ‘house of horrors’ and he had promised to protect her until they could get out of the system. “Thank you.” She mumbled against his chest.

He wrapped his arms around her in return and squeezed her tight, “as long as I’m with you there’s nothing to worry about.” Chanyeol had become a sense of comfort for her and been the only one in her life to truly love and protect her. She felt safe with him and she never wanted to lose that.

“Minah you’re staying here, end of story.” Chanyeol huffed in frustration knowing that she wouldn’t let it go.

“No, it’s not. Oppa you’ve made me stay at home for two weeks already. I’m a social creature unlike you.” Minah stood with her hands on her hips glaring at her older brother.

“For once can you not argue with me and do what I ask?” Her older brother pulled on his jacket and looked at his younger sister. “You know I wouldn’t do this unless I had to.”

Minah felt like that was an unfair blow to make. She knew that Chanyeol cared about her, probably more than anyone else. So, when she did push back when he was being too overprotective, she always felt bad because she knew it was coming from the right place. “Oppa, please! I’ve stayed in for the last two weeks like you asked—”

This got a sarcastic laugh out of her brother, “You got busted at the race just last weekend and this was after you promised me you would stay home.”

“Traitor.” She mumbled. She knew that Minseok would probably tell her brother that he had caught her there, but he must have talked her brother down because he normally would have come home in a tirade and she would have to sit and listen to him lecture her for an hour.

Chanyeol rolled his eyes, “Minseok isn’t a traitor Minah, he’s around to help protect us. Trust me when I say that he protected your ass once he told me.” He looked at his sister in warning, “I won’t be in town so for the love of god, please, stay home.” He walked over and dropped a kiss on her forehead.

“Be safe.” She mumbled begrudgingly.

“I text Sehun to come keep you company tonight.”

“Oppa! He was on a date!” She wanted to hit her brother. Minah had worked her ass off trying to talk Sehun into going on that date in the first place.

“I gotta go. Stay put until he gets here.” Chanyeol pointed a finger at her in warning before walking out the door and reminding her to lock it.

Minah walked over to the couch after locking the door and dropped down onto it with a huff. She hated being stuck at home and she was tired of being so isolated. Her only outlet was school, but she had already finished with her finals so she no longer had anything to study for. Poor Sehun, her best friend, had suffered the same fate just to be there to keep her company. She looked at her phone knowing that the rest of the group would be at the party she had been dying to go to. Kai, who was basically her second brother, had managed to score his biggest win to date while racing for Chanyeol. To celebrate he decided to throw a party at his parents’ mansion and if she was truthful, she fell in love with the mansion, even more, every time she went.

She chewed on her bottom lip contemplating on going anyways, despite what Chanyeol said. He was going to be out of the city for the night which meant that Minah could go and not have to worry about running into her brother. Her only obstacle was her brother’s friends, but most of them were putty in her hands so she hoped that she would be able to bend them to her will so they wouldn’t tell him.

Deciding to risk it she stood and slipped her phone in her pocket and grabbed her jacket to put it on. Sliding her shoes on she walked out and locked the door and double checked to make sure she had locked it before heading down to the bus stop. It still felt weird seeing the nice hallways with a tall ceiling and fancy carpet. Chanyeol had finally decided to move both of them to a more upscale apartment with better security after someone tried to break in while Minah had been home. It didn’t take much convincing for Minah to agree and the two were moving into a new place only a week later.

It took about an hour and three different busses to actually make it to Kai’s neighborhood. Once she stepped off the bus she made a mental note to talk to Chanyeol about finally getting her a car like he promised for when she graduated high school. Thanking her lucky stars that his parent's house was towards the front of the neighborhood she started her half mile trek to the party. She could hear the chaos before she could see it. His parents had bought the five lots surrounding their house so they were far enough away to not deal with their neighbors.

The warmth from inside the house had her taking off her jacket as she made her way through the house. She felt a vibration coming from her pocket so she pulled her phone out and saw Sehun’s smiling face looking back at her as it continued to vibrate. She bit her lip knowing that he had probably gone to her apartment and noticed the fact that she wasn’t where she was supposed to be. Instead of answering Minah sent a text to him letting him know that she was fine and would call him later. Even after sending it his calls didn’t stop so she just turned it completely on silent before putting it back in her pocket.

“Well, aren’t you beautiful.” a voice caused Minah to roll her eyes. The one downfall to the parties was the fact that there were drunk and horny guys looking for a piece of ass to take home. Most of the people that normally show up knew that she was off limits and if they tried anything, she had a band of brothers ready to end you for it.

“Yeah, I’m not interested.” She continued to try and scan the living room to see if she saw any of her brother’s friends. She wanted to keep her presence a secret and strolling into a room with all of them was the last thing she wanted.

The guy grabbed her arm as soon as she started to walk away which forced her to face him. The guy was attractive enough but she could tell that he was completely wasted and her best move was to just walk away because a drunk guy starting something over getting turned down would be the opposite of laying low. Minah pulled her arm away and gave the guy a small smile before turning and heading past the stairs but the guy pulled her and backed her against the wall. She refused to make eye contact with him even though he had a hold of her chin trying to force her to look at him.

“Minyoung if you have any sense you better drop your hold on her if you don’t want Chanyeol to come looking for your ass.” Minah closed her eyes cursing her luck. She looked over Minyoung’s shoulder and saw Kai standing at the foot of the stairs with a murderous stare.

“This doesn’t involve him, who is he to decide who I wanna fuck so stay out of it Kai” The guy ran his thumb along her cheek and she looked away wanting to just sink into the wall to put distance between the two of them. There was a tug and then a sudden rush of warmth upon arm. She turned to see Kai with Minyoung in his grasp and fabric bunched in his hand. Minah looked down and noticed that her shirt was now ripped and you could see her bra. She grabbed the tattered pieces and held them together to keep herself covered.

“Don’t you ever lay a finger on her again!” his voice was deep and beyond angry and Minah knew that she was going to get lectured once Kai handled Minyoung. “Minseok!” he yelled out and it took only a moment for him to show up with a curious expression. His eyes landed on her hand that was holding the fabric so it kept her covered.

“Minah, what happened to your shirt?”

Kai looked in Minah direction and saw that her shirt had been ripped. He turned to Minyoung and punched him as hard as he could causing the guy to stumble towards the wall and falling to the floor holding his head. “Minseok.” That was all Kai had to say for Minseok to understand what he wanted.

“With pleasure.” Minseok looked at the guy with extreme distaste as he dragged him out by the collar of his shirt.

Kai’s eyes went back to Minah and she could tell he wasn’t happy. He walked and stood in front of her with his arms crossed “You know you aren’t supposed to be here.”

“Jongin—” she used his real name in hopes to soften him up but he cut her off knowing exactly what she was doing.

“No, don’t even try that with me. Chanyeol is going to kill you, you know that right? Minyoung will be lucky if he doesn’t end up in a body bag.” He was disappointed in Minah for being so rash in her decisions.

“Don’t tell him, please.” She grabbed his hands pleading with him.

Kai shook his head, “I’m not keeping this from him. He has his reasons for making you stay home.”

“Minah I swear to god!” She turned seeing Sehun standing there his eyes blazing in anger. Her eyes went back to Kai and he was shaking his head knowing that she was about to get an ear full and he thought she deserved it.

“I gotta call Chanyeol, I’ll leave you to it,” Kai said as soon as Sehun walked up.

“Jongin! Please!” He turned and walked off with his phone in hand.

“Shit.” She cursed at herself for deciding to come knowing that she would be lucky if Chanyeol didn’t turn around and come back home just to yell at her.

“What the hell were you thinking.” Her eyes moved to Sehun. She bit her lip and dropped her eyes in guilt, she felt bad making him worry. Chanyeol and Sehun were the only two people in her life that really affected her when they were mad at her.

“You were on your date,” Minah mumbled knowing the both of them knew the excuse was bullshit.

“Do you have any idea what you put me through?” He ran his fingers through his hair, his anger dissipating now that he had her right in front of him.

“Sehun-ah, I’m sorry. Please don’t be mad at me.” She bit her lip nervously. The one thing she hated the most in the world was when Sehun or Chanyeol was disappointed in her. She would rather them scream at her until they were red in the face instead of being disappointed in her.

“You realize Chanyeol hyung is going to beat my ass because of your little impromptu trip, right?”

Minah grabbed his hand, “No he won’t, I’ll talk to him and make sure he knows that I left almost right after him and it was before you got there and I wouldn’t answer your calls.” She sighed, “How did you even know I was here?”

“Because you’ve been complaining for two days that he wouldn’t let you go, also because Minseok called me when I was almost here, about five minutes ago, to let me know you were here.” He motioned to where a group of people stood in the living room with beers in their hand.

When Minah looked over to the group of people she heard a quick intake of breath and looked back over at Sehun who looked livid. “What the hell happened to your shirt? Did someone try to force themselves on you? Who was it?” She put a hand on his chest to make sure he wouldn’t go on a tirade through the house.

“Minseok and Kai took care of it. I’m fine, okay? It’s just a shirt.” Sehun had already started to unbutton his shirt and pulled it off leaving him in a plain black undershirt.

“Here, take this.” He helped her put her arms into the sleeves and wrapped it around her. He started buttoning the bottom buttons and she put her hand on his.

“I got it.” She dropped her hands so she could replace his and continued buttoning it the rest of the way up. When she looked back up at him, he still looked angry. “Sehun-ah.” Minah leaned in and hugged him tightly around the middle. He was practically a head taller than her, he wrapped his arms around her and rested his chin on the top of her head with a sigh.

“Let’s get you home in case Chanyeol shows up.”

Kai came from around the corner and startled her as he started to talk, “He’s right, you should probably head home. Chanyeol is livid. I did my best to calm him down but I don’t think it did any good.”

Minah dropped her hold on Sehun and walked over to Kai and hugging him tightly, “Thank you for earlier.” her voice muffled against his chest, “You’re always looking out for me.”

Kai hugged her tightly, “I always will. Now get home in case Chanyeol decides to head back and maybe you can work your little sister magic and he won’t kill you.”

She rolled her eyes at his dramatics, “Okay, okay. I’m heading out.” She turned to go but gasped and turned back around, “I forgot to congratulate you on your race!” Minah cried out.

Kai couldn’t help but laugh at her antics considering what was hanging over her head at the current moment. She had always put everyone before herself no matter what it was, “You can gift me your return home.” He smiled at her. He looked over at Sehun seriously, who was waiting patiently with his arms crossed, “Take her home and don’t let her out of your sight. I’m serious Sehun, you know what’s at stake.”

Minah hated when secrets were talked about around her. She understood why Chanyeol kept her in the dark but it only frustrated her that he wouldn’t include her. If she knew, then maybe she wouldn’t make the decisions that make him so angry. After what had happened with the foster home and everything she dealt with, Chanyeol wanted to do everything he could to protect her. Telling her when things were going wrong and possibly dangerous would only cause her to worry and he didn’t want to be the source of that.

Sehun’s eyes cut over to Minah and she looked down feeling completely awful for making him worry and coming to get her, “I know, he explained it all to me.”

Minah sighed and Kai nudged her over towards Sehun, “One of you text me when you get there.”

With Sehun driving her back home the ride took less than fifteen minutes. A comfortable silence followed them all the way up to her apartment. Both of them sighed in relief when they saw that Chanyeol hadn’t decided to turn around and come back home. Minah pulled out her phone and text Kai to let him know they had arrived safe and that it looked like Chanyeol decided to not to come back.

Sehun sat on the couch just as Minah’s cell phone started to ring. She looked down to see a picture of her and her brother staring back at her. Her heart raced as she tried to prepare herself for his tirade.

Minah took a deep breath and answered it, “Hi Oppa—”

“Do you realize the stress you put people through with your antics!? Not just me but Kai and everyone else that cares about you? Stop rebelling like a child—”

Minah’s anger flared, “Oppa!” she yelled, “If someone would actually tell me what the hell is going on then maybe I could take your warnings seriously and not you being overprotective. You can’t save me from the world Oppa! I still need to have a life!”

“Goddammit Minah!” he roared through the phone causing her to pull the phone away from her ear, “When are you going to stop acting like a teenager and grow up?! Life isn’t sunshine and rainbows Minah, it’s dark with a bunch of fucked up people roaming around. I didn’t take those beatings just so you could carelessly put yourself at risk!”

She bit her lip to keep it from trembling. She hated when Chanyeol yelled at her and his last comment had tears threatening to fall. She tried to muffle her sniffle but Sehun grabbed the phone from her. “Hyung I don’t know what was said but you’re going too far.” Sehun usually never interfered but he heard Chanyeol’s last comment and knew that if he continued it would only reduce Minah to tears.

“Sehun what the hell are you d—”

“You made her cry.” Sehun cut him off and he heard Chanyeol sigh followed by a thud.

“Let me talk to her.”

“Are you going to be nice?”

“Sehun give her the fucking phone!” he barked.

Sehun made Minah look at him. She had streaks of tears on her face, so Sehun used his free hand and wiped the tears from her eyes with the pad of his thumb before handing her the phone with a comforting smile.

Minah held the phone to her ear and made a noise indicating that she was listening, “Minah, you are the most important thing to me and toying with your life just to go to a goddamn party? Kai wins races all the time and if you wanted to see the guys that badly we could have invited them over, and don’t think I don’t know about you ditching Sehun,” Minah looked at Sehun who was still standing beside her, “Once all this shit has passed, I’ll tell you, but nothing positive will come out of you knowing right now.” The only response he received was a sniffle.

“Look I’ll be back early tomorrow, so just stay at the apartment and Sehun can stay if you want. Chanyeol paused with a small sigh, “Please don’t cry Minah, you know I hate it when you cry. I’ll see you in the morning okay?”

“Okay. Stay safe.” Her voice barely audible.

The two of them hung up and Sehun pulled her into a hug as soon as she dropped her arm that was holding the phone. The two stood like that for a while as Sehun slowly rubbed her back. Chanyeol always had a shitty filter when it came to arguments where emotions were involved. Everyone knew that what he said was true, Minah was the most important thing in his life and the thought of something happening to her crippled him. Sehun was often the one comforting Minah after his tirades of him saying something without thinking.

“Do you wanna stay over? Chanyeol said it was fine.”

“If you want me to I will.” Minah nodded and mentioned watching a movie until they fell asleep and Sehun went to lock the front door.

Minah wouldn’t admit it but the adrenaline rush from her run-in with Minyoung had seriously exhausted her. She absentmindedly put her hand up to where he had torn her shirt. Sehun’s hand covered hers and she looked over at him, “Are you okay after what happened?”

She nodded her head and pulled her hand from his letting it drop to her side, “Yeah I’m fine.”

“It’s okay if you’re not.”

“Sehun, I said I’m fine.” Her tone came off clipped and she instantly regretted it. He looked at her with a sympathetic gaze but dropped the topic.

The scene at Kai’s had reminded her so much of her last interaction with her foster dad and it shook her to the core. He had been a drunk and apparently hitting a defenseless fifteen-year-old girl wasn’t enough anymore. He had attempted to touch her and it was the first time she had ever fought back. Minah left with torn clothes and bruises around her neck where he had choked her, but she had protected herself. That was when her sleep problems started and she never fully recovered from them. She still had problems falling asleep and knowing that tonight might be more difficult than normal she was glad that Sehun had agreed to stay.

“Do you wanna watch a movie or something?” Minah nodded and he started looking through Netflix trying to find something worth watching. It felt like they had seen almost everything because of how often Chanyeol had forced her to stay home lately. Feeling something light and funny like an animated movie would be best, he selected Toy Story a true classic.

Minah climbed onto her bed and settled down under the covers and patted beside her inviting him to lay with her. He smiled at her and walked around and got comfortable laying on top of the covers but close enough where she could curl up against him if she wanted and that’s exactly what she did. Sehun started the movie and he saw the edge of her mouths twitch upward and he felt relief knowing he chose a movie she would approve of.

Minah ended up falling asleep a lot quicker than he anticipated. Throughout the movie, she scooted closer and laid her head on his lap and as usual, he would run his fingers through her hair and her body would always visibly relax. It made Sehun feel good that he could alleviate her anxiety over whatever had bothered her for that day. He continued even after she fell asleep because it was the only time he could allow his guard to waiver.

It was their graduation when he realized that what he felt for her wasn’t what guys normally feel for a girl that is just their friend. After asking a few of his friends he realized that he was absolutely, without a doubt, in love with his best friend and it was the worst realization he could have come to. After realizing this new-found information, it felt like the world was against him. Minah had fallen in love with Baekhyun just as Sehun had started to realize his feelings. When the asshole disappeared and left Minah in pieces he was left to help pick them up and place her back together all the while seeing just how much she loved him and Sehun would have given anything to be on the receiving end of it. Her feelings weren’t the only obstacle either after Baekhyun broke her heart like he did Chanyeol became even more protective and would beat the shit out of anyone that even thought about dating his sister. While he wasn’t Chanyeol’s close friend he knew that he also fell into that category because Chanyeol fully trusted Sehun to protect and take care of her.

Sehun tucked a piece of hair behind her ear that had fallen into her face. He sighed and looked up at the ceiling. He wondered how long it would be until his heart was able to move on. He had talked to a few of his friends that had told him that they had a huge crush on a girl but after a while they became so close that the feelings eventually disappeared. They had gotten to the point where they only saw each other as close friends and would never be able to see each other as anything else. It had already been four years since Sehun met Minah and they only continued to get closer. He was beginning to feel like that it would never happen because he could admit, at least to himself, that what he felt for her wasn’t only a crush. Sehun was pulled out of his thoughts when he heard a whimper.

Minah had her shoes in her hand and slowly opened the front door as to not make a sound and alert her foster parents. The smell of cigarettes hit her in the face. She had lost track of time while studying at the library with Sehun and was late coming home. She held her breath and tiptoed hoping to make it upstairs to her room without being heard. She quietly sighed in relief once her hand touched the banister of the stairs. She only had one more obstacle to conquer before she was in the clear. She stepped over the first step knowing that it creaked. It was a third step that caused her to miscount and land on a step that created the loudest.

“Shit.” She cringed and listened as hard as she could for any noises coming from the living room. She still heard the TV playing in the background she sighed in relief and took two more steps before she felt bony fingers latch around her wrist.

“Where the hell have you been!?” His gruff voice caused a shiver down her spine and she jerked her wrist out of his grasp like Chanyeol had taught her. She knew she needed to get to her room and close the door and lock it. She ran up the last bit of stairs two at a time. She saw Mino stick his head out of his room and when their eyes met, he looked at her apologetically before hurriedly shutting the door and locking it. Minah couldn’t blame him for not helping her, it seemed that she was her foster fathers favorite target and anyone that got in his way paid for it cruelly.

She felt her heart burst with relief when she was two strides away from making it to her bedroom but her body was slammed against the wall and he used his arms to cage her in with nowhere to go. Minah looked away closed her eyes as tightly as she could. She was already shaking despite trying as hard as she could to not look scared.

“I asked you a question pretty girl.” She swallowed down the bile that rose in her throat at his nickname for her. He grabbed her chin and forced her to face him, “Look at me when I talk to you!” he bellowed in her face. She opened her eyes and looked at him. The fire in her had always surprised him because on the outside she always seemed scared but whenever their eyes met, he could see the hatred and defiance in them and it made him want to beat her into submission. He took great joy in seeing just how much she hated him…he got off on how much she hated him.

Minah continued to look at him but didn’t open her mouth to answer. He loved feeling like he had all the power when it came to any of the foster kids and she was no different. He squeezed her chin as hard as he could and she yelled out in pain and jerked her face to the side forcing his hold on her to release. Her back was pushed against the wall with his right hand wrapped around her throat. Minah clawed at his hand to let her go but he only closed his hand tighter.

The darkness tickled at the edges of her vision and was worried what he might do if she lost consciousness. She pulled her foot back and instead getting his crotch like she had hoped she kicked right below his kneecap because of the height difference. Her mistake still caused him to stumble and hiss in pain. He hopes for being able to run to her room were dashed when the only thing she could bring herself to do was cough.

“Bitch!” She felt his bony fingers wrap around her neck and lift her from the floor and slamming her against the wall. His hold on her was even tighter than before and the darkness was already beginning to crawl toward the center of her vision. The panic was starting to rise as the darkness inched closer. Minah clawed at his hands as hard as she could but it only made things worse.

“I told you to keep your hands off of her!” The voice sounded familiar but far away. Came into view after she was dropped to the ground. He was helping her up as she continued to cough. Chanyeol pushed her towards her door quickly and her eyes fell on her foster parent beginning to get up.

Chanyeol’s eyes followed hers before locking back on hers with a sense of authority, “Lock it and don’t come out until I say.” He pulled the door shut despite Minah’s silent screams for him not to leave. She knew what would happen and it always made her nauseous knowing that the sounds of skin hitting skin was him taking the beating she would have gotten only much worse. She locked the door like he told her to but she pounded on the door doing her best to beg her foster Father to stop. She knew Chanyeol never fought back after he got her out of any situation knowing the quicker it was over the better. Minah sobbed against the door feeling helpless as she heard the grunts from Chanyeol and the thud against her door from being kicked.  

After awhile she heard a soft knock on her door, “Minah, it’s me. Open up.” She gasped at the sight in front of her. The tears that had barely dried were already replaced with new ones.

“Chanyeol!” she cried out, her voice still hoarse. She grabbed the arm that wasn’t clutching his side and pulled him inside. The gentle movement caused a hiss of pain from him. “Chanyeol,” whimpered as the guilt began to eat her away.

“Are you okay?” He had already gently grabbed her face and turned it up so he could see her neck a little better in the light. His jaw clenched seeing the red marks that had begun to turn purple. Having his fair share of beatings, he knew that it was going to leave a bruise she wouldn’t be able to hide. “I swear I’m getting us out of here.”

The sudden gasp and tears caused Sehun to jump in surprise. “Hey hey hey, it’s okay Minah.” She was still gasping for air with her hand around her throat between her sobs as her body was shaking in his arms. “Minah you’re okay” he went to cup her face to make her look at him but she jerked away. Sehun noticed that her eyes didn’t seem focused and realized that she wasn’t aware of her surroundings yet.

“Chanyeol, is he okay?” Minah was looking around frantically.

“Minah it was a dream. Chanyeol is fine, he’s coming home in the morning. You talked to him earlier remember?” he asked softly and gently grabbing her hand to try and focus her attention on him. He had figured out how to handle these dreams with trial and error over time. Minah would rarely discuss her dreams but he knew some of the things that ventured into her nightmares having met one of them himself. He always got angry at himself for not beating the guy to an inch of his life when he had the chance, but being a scrawny teenager wouldn’t have done him any good.

She wiped at her tears that had fallen and Sehun slowly pulled her into him until her head was against his chest. She bunched his shirt in her hands as silent sobs wracked her body. “I know it’s stupid, but I’m here if you wanna talk about it.” He knew it was a long shot and Minah knew that she would never tell him but it didn’t stop Sehun from letting her know that he was there for her after every bad dream. On the rare occasion, he would get a call at three in the morning from a worried Minah and she wouldn’t talk about the dream or even know why she was calling, but he would spend that time talking about whatever he could until she fell back asleep.

Minah was sitting up in her bed resting against the headboard as Sehun walked back in with a glass of water. He sat beside her as she sipped her drink, “Do you want to call Chanyeol?”

She shook her head, “No. Whatever he’s doing he doesn’t need his mind worrying about me.”

“Minah you kn—"

“I said no!” she snapped. Sehun dropped the subject and she looked at him apologetically, “Sorry.”

He waved a hand dismissing her apology, “It’s fine. Why don’t you pick another movie?”

While Minah’s attention was preoccupied he pulled his phone from his pocket and sent a quick text. He quickly slipped it back into his pocket as she turned to ask if he was okay with watching something scary. He never understood her decision to watch something scary after a nightmare but agreed and the two settled back against the headboard and watched the movie.

Sehun awoke to a pain against his forehead and opened his eyes. He blinked to help the room come into focus and his eyes locked onto the reason for the throbbing sensation. Chanyeol was glaring at him and motioned with his chin to his sister who was curled up into his side. He could help but roll his eyes and slowly removed her hold on him so she wouldn’t wake up.

Once he was free the two of them walked towards the kitchen and the two sat at the table as Chanyeol slid Sehun a cup of black coffee. “You told me to talk to you before I talked to Minah…why?”

He remembered sending the text to Chanyeol after her nightmare because he knew that Minah wouldn’t tell him and he felt that Chanyeol needed to know what happened. He took a sip of the coffee and grimaced at the bitterness. “Did Kai tell you what happened last night?”

“No, he said he needed to talk to me when I got back though. Seems to be a current theme.” He replied eyeing him.

“Minyoung, you know him?”

“I think I’ve heard his name once or twice; from what I remember he’s trying really hard to earn his place but no one will speak up for him.” Sehun nodded knowing that Chanyeol didn’t let just anyone be part of his operation so the only way in was to have someone that was already a part of it to nominate you. He didn’t want anyone associated with him to go starting trouble for everyone because they decided to be impulsive and stupid. “Why?”

He pushed his cup away from him and stood up making his way to the counter and tossing a pile of fabric at him, “Your boy Minyoung decided he’d try and…persuade your sister.” The words felt bitter on his tongue. Sehun would have taken care of Minyoung himself for pure satisfaction, but even he knew that a pissed of Chanyeol was going to make more of a point than he ever could.

Chanyeol shook the fabric until he could grab an edge and hold it out. He turned it correctly once he realized it was a shirt and his face turned red with anger before dropping his arms and looking to Sehun for answers, “I want to know everything that happened.”

He went through the events starting from when he received Chanyeol’s text to Minah waking up from her nightmare. He tried to figure out what was going through his head after telling him the events of the previous night, “From what I know Minseok and Kai handled it, so maybe that’s what he needs to talk to you about? My sole focus was on getting Minah back here, especially after what you told me about Luhan.”

“Enough. That isn’t to be discussed here.” His voice was dangerously low and it made Sehun feel uneasy. He was pretty sure that Chanyeol wasn’t angry with him and his anger was towards Minyoung, but he didn’t want to take any chances.

“I need to go talk to Kai, stay here with her. I’ll be back in a few hours.” The murderous look on his face made him feel an ounce of worry for Minyoung because no one wanted to be on Chanyeol’s shit list and Minyoung just jumped to the number one spot.

The guy sat in his leather chair twirling the whiskey around in his glass as he stared at the photo. He hadn’t taken kindly to Chanyeol’s constant winning lately. He had ordered a few of his guys to follow Chanyeol and his main but he hadn’t expected him to actually show up in person this last time. He had finally managed to lure the cockroach from his hole. He respected Chanyeol for not taking him lightly as most had in the past, such weak competition, but to have a boy from the slums become his top competition…that was something he couldn’t have.

In this world money was power, therefore he held more power than the other, but somehow the cockroach still continued to thrive despite his attempts to squash him. Although an annoyance, he was finally gifted with something that made him smile. It was an unexpected surprise to see a girl constantly by his side and it made his stomach bubble in excitement at the prospect of taking something that was his.

His gaze lingered on the girl that was laughing with a bright smile as she looked at his competition, he really despised the cockroach being attached to that term. He set his glass down and pulled grabbed his phone from the table. Holding a down the number five it began to ring.

“Yes, sir?”

“I want Kris to start following that girl, something tells me she holds the key to finally getting rid of this pest.”

AN: This is my first time writing EXO and I’m really excited about this story. If you like it a reblog or like would be nice. I don’t have many EXO readers and any help would be amazing. Thanks for reading!

#exosnet #kpopwonderlandtag #prettyboysnetwork #exo #exo smut #exo fanfiction #chanyeol #sehun #baekhyun #kai #suho #xiumin #d.o. #chen #lay #luhan #minseok #junmyeon #kyungsoo #jongdae #yixing #park chanyeol #exo chanyeol #chanyeol fanfiction #chanyeol smut #oh sehun #exo sehun #sehun fanfiction #sehun smut

[rochellespen]

Watching Doctor Who Season 37 (Series 11), Episode Three

I had heard that there was going to be an actual pure historical this season and was intrigued. Pure historicals were common back in the black-and-white era of Doctor Who, but were pretty much history (see what I did there?) by the end of Troughton’s first season. Which is a shame as I enjoyed seeing the Doctor and companions deal with history and its complications without the crutch of having an alien crash into the scene.

And for the record, I do consider Black Orchid a pure historical because my definition of pure historical is taking place in the past and having no other sci-fi/fantasy elements other than the Doctor, his companions and the TARDIS. I know other fans have the additional criteria that it has to involve an actual event of note in history, but I’ve often thought that that shortchanges the plot potential of the Doctor dealing with problems that can’t be solved with a wave of a sonic screwdriver or by re-wiring something at just the right moment.

Unfortunately, while Rosa is a welcome trip into the past for our latest TARDIS crew, it’s not a pure historical. At least not to me. I guess I’ll have to keep hoping we will get a pure historical someday in a future episode.

So what do we get with this episode? 

Spoilers ahoy under the cut.....

Episode Thoughts

From the outset, I felt that this was going to be an episode that makes people uncomfortable. I also felt that this is not a bad thing. History is full of things that are important, but also ugly and painful. And sci-fi has traditionally been an outlet to explore those uncomfortable themes.

Thus, it was hard to watch Ryan and Yasmin get mistreated so horribly by the people of the time period, but it’s also the reality of this era of history. The fact that the Doctor and Graham were not immune from distrust and disdain because of their decision to associate with them is a disturbing reminder of how deep this ugliness went.

While it did get a touch heavy-handed at times, I think where the writers really excelled as far as bringing the messages about racism across was in how the companions reacted to what was going on around them. Sure, they’re all excited to meet important historical figures like Rosa Parks and Martin Luther King Jr., but then they get nasty reminders of what kind of world those people existed in. Their enthusiasm to watch history unfold becomes tempered with the unhappiness and frustration of what people struggled against in the first place. It’s a very realistic reaction to learning how traveling through time can be both exhilarating and heartbreaking. 

I also enjoyed the ongoing theme of how little events could make such a huge impact on history. A thought that leads to an interesting chess game between the Doctor and her nemesis, Krasko as they each have to find ways to move history in the direction they want without drawing attention to themselves. 

My main complaint about the plot it’s that I felt like it didn’t have enough build up to it. I wish that they had either drawn out the mystery of why another time traveler was there or put in more obstacles to the endgame of making sure Rosa Parks fulfills the moment of history she is meant to. As it was, the pacing felt awkward and rushed. Like it had a lot it wanted to say and forgot at times that there needed to be an actual conflict and plot progression to give those important themes something to hold onto. 

This shows in several dangling plot points. A good example is that racist cop who was following them around at one point. Sure, they had one confrontation with him, but were we supposed to believe that he wouldn’t keep trying to find ways to make their lives hard? Why didn’t he show up again? I thought for sure that Krasko would take full advantage of getting the law involved with his plot to alter history. It would have been easy to pull off and yet, he didn’t for some odd reason...

That said, it was nice to see the Doctor deal with an opponent who was forced to operate under the same “no violence” rules that she chooses to adopt. It’s a welcome change from the all-too-common conflict of a villain who relies on brute force to win versus the Doctor’s (usually) pacifist cunning. 

One thing I also thought was particularly effective was the scene on the bus when the Doctor, Ryan, Graham and Yasmin realize that they were going to have to take part in the events that led up to Parks’ protest in order to keep history running as it should. The discomfort they silently expressed along with the wordless exchange between the Doctor and Parks as she’s led off the bus are beautifully pulled off with the right level of emotional subtext.

I sort of wish that they had ended the episode there instead of having that additional bit on the TARDIS. Then again, I think the emotional release of reflecting on the payoff of Parks’ sacrifices is probably a needed moment at the end of such a charged episode.

Character Thoughts

A lot of the characterization for this episode was tied into the plot, especially in regards to Ryan and Yasmin.

I’d like to add though, that we get some lovely scenes between the two of them which highlight the differences in their personality. Ryan is definitely having a harder time dealing with the much more brazen-than-usual racism of this time period and thus, it’s no surprise that he deals with Krasko by dealing out the harsh punishment of sending him to heaven knows where in time. 

Meanwhile, Yasmin tries to remain positive while still acknowledging the frustration she feels. She even manages to find humor over being mistakenly labeled as Mexican over and over again and I applaud the writers for making this both amusing and cringey at the same time. 

I also felt for Graham as he was faced with the difficult position of being aware that he has an unfairly privileged status and has to use it to his advantage while also dealing with his deep-seated disgust for it. The fact that he openly asserts that Ryan is his grandson, despite knowing how that will be received, says plenty about his character. 

The Doctor clearly conveyed her disgust with the situation, but it’s interesting to note the contrast between her and her immediate predecessor. Twelve was vocal with his disappointment with humans and their prejudices and had actually slugged someone who spouted bigoted thoughts toward his companion. Meanwhile, Thirteen is less direct in her disdain even if she is no less disapproving and seems to have the more prominent mindset that people could do better if they chose to. It’s a softer quality to the Doctor’s character that we don’t always get these days and thus, it was nice to see it here.

Also, kudos to the writers and Whittaker for not letting the Doctor’s joke about possibly being Banksy with Graham become tedious. It was the sort of fun Doctor-companion kidding that I’ve missed at times. As was Graham’s “absurd” idea to invent a smartphone and calling himself Steve Jobs. Touches of humor like that were needed in an episode with so much gravitas. 

Being as she was the title character and the central plot point to the episode, I was also happy that Rosa Parks was given some solid characterization. Throughout the episode, she becomes someone you can root for, even if she wasn’t involved with major events within the cause of civil rights. 

I think the one main area of characterization that really fell flat for me was Krasko. Yes, I know it’s super naive of me to think that people in the distant future who know all about the basic mechanics of time travel couldn’t be racist bigots, but I still believe that such simplistic ways of thinking would be out of place in such a technologically advanced society. So it seems odd that someone from the distant future would have a mindset that fits in perfectly with the 1950s US south.

This problem is compounded by the fact that racism seems to be Krasko’s only notable character trait. We know nothing about why he has these views or what led him to be such an evil person in the first place. Other than his being a criminal and from the future, we know zilch else about him. He exists solely to be racist trash and that is taking the easy way out rather than demonstrate the uncomfortable truth that racism persists partially because it isn’t always so straightforward and obvious. 

I do wonder though, if there will be any consequences from Ryan sending Krasko back further into the past. That might actually be an interesting plot thread to pick back up at some point. 

The Last Word

Rosa is a good example of what a historical can do as far as showcasing the Doctor’s and companions’ ingenuity as well as give the audience plenty to think about in regards to how history unfolded and continues to play out. While not perfect, it’s an emotionally satisfying episode with plenty of good moments of characterization from the main cast which makes up for the minor plot problems. 

#Doctor Who #thirteenth doctor #series eleven musings #rosa

[miss-musings]

My List of Top 10 Blacklisters

Let me say right off the bat that it was really difficult to compile this list. Because while I feel a lot of one-off Blacklisters are pretty much throwaways, especially all the different cults and kooky people that the show likes to keep introducing, many of the better ones (IMO) were bad guys who had been around for multiple episodes, maybe even entire arcs or seasons.

So, picking out my Top 10 -- based on how unique they were, how memorable they were, how intimidating, how threatening they were to the main cast, etc. -- was relatively easy, but ranking them was difficult. Because, again, a lot of them get way more screentime than others.

So, I'll try to rank them based on a combination of how much I personally liked them, how much of an overall impact to the story/characters the Blacklister had relative to their screentime and build-up, how well the actor did with the role, how unique and memorable they were, etc.

You'll notice that people like Laurel Hitchen, who was an antagonist but not technically a Blacklister, isn't on the list; and you'll notice that "good guys" like Dembe or Marvin Gerard who were technically Blacklisters, but weren't antagonists for Red or the Task Force aren't on here either. Tom, who flip-flopped between good guy and bad guy as the show progressed, isn't on here either; but that's because there's so much material to judge from as he was a main cast member for at least three seasons, which is unfair.

Anyway, without further ado: my list. Again, feel free to disagree and make your own lists if you like.

(EDIT: I’ve done a follow-up list of ‘Top 10 Best One-Off Blacklisters’, because so many of the below entries had multiple episodes in which to be menacing.)

Note for future reference: this list only includes Blacklisters up through the end of S5.

###

HONORABLE MENTION: MR. KAPLAN

I really wanted to put Mr. Kaplan on this list, and I had at one point, but then I realized I forgot one of the more imposing Blacklisters and had to slide him into the spot where I had Mr. Kaplan. The only reason I took her off completely rather knocking every lower-numbered entry down a spot, was because while I really liked Mr. Kaplan up until S3c, I hated how the showrunners forced the storyline where she had once been Liz's nanny and hated Red for doing her and the Keen family wrong. I love Susan Bloomaert and think she's a very talented actress who's incredibly underrated; but I loved her character more when she was on Red's team -- his cleaner, his friend, his confidant. Granted, there were some really good episodes with her as an antagonist, but I hated the way she died -- throwing herself off a bridge.

Anyway, again, I want to emphasize that this list is purely subjective. So, if you think I've done Mr. Kaplan a disservice, feel free to make your own list to give her to honor you believe she deserves. As I said: I loved Mr. Kaplan, but I felt the whole S4b storyline completely assassinated her character as we knew it up to that point.

P.S. I also feel like GREGORY DEVRY should get a shout-out, but I’ll probably include him in my list of Best One-Off Blacklisters.

10. LEONARD CAUL

This is one of those entries where I guess I kind of cheated. Caul didn’t really end up being an antagonist for Red, Liz or the Task Force. But he was introduced to us a little ambiguously with him developing photos of Liz and Red, listening to the police scanner -- and then holding Liz at gunpoint (briefly) in Red's Bethesda apartment... I really liked all of that and how it was kind of vague from the beginning whether he was on their side or not. Granted, he doesn't get much screentime even in his own episode, and honestly, after S2, I'm not really sure what happened to him. I know he was hanging around with Red up until the S2 finale or thereabouts, but yeah, whatever happened to that guy?

Anyway, it was a really tense episode, and I felt like Caul brought a level of adrenaline and urgency to the situation with Red and the Cabal, as well as the show in general.

9. IAN GARVEY

You'd think Garvey would be higher on this list, but I was never really a big fan of him. Granted, he did pose a pretty serious threat for our main crew, after he stole the Real Reddington’s bones, killed Tom and his goons knocked Liz into a coma. And the actor did a fine job. But, I just felt that -- up until his connection to the Reddington family was revealed -- he was just kind of cartoonish. A dirty cop who runs a drug cartel? Yeah, I don't care.

But, again, while I don't really like Garvey, I felt like he had such an impact on the show and the characters that he deserved a spot -- even if it was a low one.

8. MADELINE PRATT

The only female Blacklister to formally make it onto the list. (Sorry, Mr. Kaplan.) I thought her character and this episode was incredibly well-done. It was a little bit of a heist storyline, and Pratt was a good foil for Liz and Red, forcing both of them to open up in ways we hadn't seen before (up to that point). Liz became more comfortable doing criminal-type things, using her slight-of-hand, infiltrating locations and lying/manipulating people; while Red, conversely, became more human and opened up about why he has been so distant with people and the hurt he has experienced in the past.

Also, Madeline is one of the few past/current love interests of Red that we see on the show, and I really like Jennifer Ehle (mostly because of the 1995 version of Pride & Prejudice). I felt like she matched well with Spader and wasn't overpowered by his always-charismatic performance. And, while we only ever saw her in this episode and briefly in 2x14, I felt like she deserved a spot because she was such a unique character and that episode introduced a lot of character details and traits that became important later.

7. THE STEWMAKER

I really, really liked the Stewmaker -- both the bad guy and the episode. The only reason I didn't put him higher on this list is because I feel everyone else is too good (or bad, depending on how you want to look at it) to be displaced.

So, I remember reading on one of those TV-watching websites that if you weren't entirely sure about a show but you wanted to give it a chance, you should watch at least four episodes to see whether it was any good. By the fourth episode, the show should have established its characters, its dynamic, its continuing plot points, its feel, etc. Pilots, of course, always feel a little different than the shows themselves because they're filmed months before any other episode; so you have to give shows a chance to establish themselves and walk on their own two feet.

So... when THIS was the show's fourth episode... oh, buddy.

The Stewmaker posed a serious threat as he was the first person to ever hold Liz captive and feel the wrath of Red for such an offense. The episode gave us the infamous Parable of the Farmer; and continued the then-mystery of Liz finding out about Tom's shady past.

But, as for the character himself, he was just really weird. Walking around naked while he was working, but having that mask on; disintegrating bodies; having his dog with him; actually being a family man but having this criminal work on the side. And, also, we had a little bit of interaction where Liz was actually trying to do her job (for once) and profile him and use that info to her advantage.

He was a character that I feel the show has tried to redo several times -- the kooky weirdo who's very calm, apologetic and doesn't like violence but who is also fascinated by death, bodies, etc. But, of course, this was the FIRST time the show had used such a character, so it was much more memorable then and not so watered-down.

In any case, I really liked the Stewmaker and thought he was a fantastic Blacklister for the show to have in its fourth episode of the entire series.

6. MATIAS SOLOMON

So, this is actually the spot where I had Mr. Kaplan. But, while I was doing some background research on my #1 choice, I ran across Edi Gathegi's name and remembered that I left Solomon completely off the list. He had been an antagonist throughout the whole of S3a and then came back for his namesake episodes where he and his crew attack Liz and Tom's wedding, Liz gives birth to Agnes, and later she "dies" with Red by her side.

Solomon is either directly or indirectly responsible for a lot of major shit that happened on this show -- hell, just in those two episodes. And, I really like Gathegi's performance, especially considering how Solomon was a little Extra™. So he had to play him as dramatic with a penchant for flair and style ... but without him becoming cartoonish. He was just a little bit eccentric but could still hold himself and lead a team of goons in shooting up a church.

Again, I hated to leave Mr. Kaplan off the list but I felt it was a greater disservice to not put Solomon on it, considering how much of a threat he posed to our main cast throughout various points of S3.

5. THE DECEMBRIST (A.K.A. ALAN FITCH)

This is basically just an outlet for me to talk about how amazing Alan Alda is and how much I love him and wish the show hadn't killed his character off. Seriously, he's just so adorable, and it was hilarious to see him partly playing against type here. Fitch was intimidating, but I also kept wanting to give him a hug.

And, I felt like that was how Red felt toward him. He hated Fitch for the whole bullshit in that raid on the Post Office, but yet, he also respected him. That look on his face when he's having that last conversation before the bomb on Fitch's neck goes off... just heartbreaking.

And while so many actors seem to bow under the weight of Spader's performances, Alda is also one of the few actors who I felt like was on-par with him in terms of charisma and acting chops. It seems he just strolls onto the set and does whatever is required of him without a care in the world. "Need me to be gruff and menacing? I can do that. Need me to be sad and fearful? I can do that. Need me to look bored and indifferent? I can do that." God, I just love Alan Alda, and I want to give him a hug. 

But, seriously, Fitch was a Blacklister who's impact on the story goes all the way back to setting Berlin on Red decades before S2 takes place, and he was one of the few people (at that time) who seemed to know Reddington from the pre-Night of the Fire era. (It's unclear now whether that was actually true; he probably knew the REAL Reddington, but never knew our guy was an imposter.)

Anyway, Fitch had a major impact on the story because he was the one person/thing who had a connection to the raid on the Post Office, the Cabal and Berlin. So, he definitely deserves a spot on this list. And also, ALAN ALDA!

4. BERLIN

This is a weird entry, because Berlin is hardly in either of his two namesake episodes; and even when he is, his identity is obscured until the very end of "Berlin: Conclusion."

Berlin had been built up for a long time, and while I still am so frustrated that it was never addressed how he organized a giant criminal syndicate from inside a Russian prison. Honestly, for as much as for as long as he was built up, I feel like the pay-off was a little bit disappointing. Which is why he’s at number four for me.

Still, when he came back in the first half of S2, he was such a good baddie. I absolutely love when he and Red meet on Coney Island, and that weird, dynamic and layered conversation that they have. And overall, Peter Stormare's performance is fantastic. He's mustache-twirling, sure, but he was so intimidating at the same time... threatening Liz, capturing Naomi, being responsible for the attacks on Cooper and Meera, etc.

He had a tremendous impact on both S1 and S2a, so he definitely has to have a spot.

3. ALEXANDER KIRK (A.K.A. CONSTANTIN ROSTOV)

Like Berlin, Kirk is hardly in either of his namesake episodes, but we get to see him more fleshed out as a character/villain in S4a.

Unlike most villains, we actually got to see quiet moments of Kirk, where he was caring, respectful, loving and just ... generally not villainous. Most of these other Blacklisters never got those opportunities, and Kirk -- in hindsight -- was built up as a kind of hero out of a Greek tragedy. Odette tells Liz that he was a kind, caring and gentle man up until he found out about Liz’s identity as Masha and her connection to Red. Then, he flipped his shit and did whatever it took to get his (step)daughter away from him. And, honestly, I really liked his little farewell speech to Liz about how she would only ever remember him as a villain who kidnapped and threatened her and her child; and she would never remember him as the young, happy father who held her in her arms, excited at what the future would hold for their family.

God, just thinking back to that speech makes me feel such sympathy for the man... not the one he became but the one he used to be. Kirk was hurt and betrayed multiple times by Katarina, the Real Reddington, the Fake Reddington, and all these other people who played him like a puppet for their own ends. Really thinking back on it, it’s no wonder he became the broken man he is, so desperately trying to cling to this frayed prospect of happiness with the family he once had. Yes, he was hoping that Liz or Agnes would help cure him of his disease, but I truly believe that was only a bonus in his mind and he was really hoping to piece his family back together -- to have a second chance in his (step)daughter’s life and help her with her newborn.

He’s also one of the few villains with his own arc who WASN’T killed off at the end of said arc, so I REALLY hope he comes back. I doubt it, but I would really like to see it. Maybe he could help Liz understand what all happened with Katarina, Real Reddington, Fake Reddington, and everything on the Night of the Fire.

And, again, like with Fitch, he was a really important Blacklister as he was connected to both Red’s past and Liz’s. And, that scene where he’s about to kill Red, and the two stop to reminisce about Katarina, who she was, and how important she was to them ... that’s the kind of depth we don’t get out of most Blacklisters.

Honestly, even though his introduction to the audience was a little too Darth Vader/Alias-esque, I still really enjoyed the range of emotions Ulrich Thomsen got to run through in his portrayal, especially in that final episode. And while he doesn’t really have a lasting effect on the story once his arc is resolved, he was a major threat to everyone, including Liz, and the main characters to make major decisions in the latter half of S3 and the first part of S4 that showed us who they really are.

So, yeah. IMO, he deserves to be this high on the list.

2. ANSLO GARRICK

It might seem a little weird to have a one-off villain this high on the list, but Anslo Garrick -- both the character and his namesake episodes -- was an actual game-changer. Here we were, skipping along through S1, pretty complacent and chill. And then all of a sudden, Anslo Garrick shows up and turns everything on its head. The Post Office is under attack; Ressler gets seriously injured and he and Red have to make due hanging out together inside the box; Cooper et al is captured; Liz and Aram, who have little field experience between them, have to team up to try to get to safety. Luli is killed; Dembe is almost killed; Liz is threatened; Red is captured and later escapes.

God, so much happened in those episodes, and I still think “Anslo Garrick: Part One” might be the best episode of the show to date. Seriously. Even though Red and Liz have zero screentime together, that episode is just SO GOOD. Intense, dark, with high-stakes and important character moments -- and there have been very few episodes like it since.

But, anyway, as for Anslo Garrick himself... he isn’t really all that much. He was a rabid dog sent by Fitch to bring Red in. He was intimidating, coarse, violent and gave zero shits about his actions.

This entry doesn’t really celebrate who the character of Anslo Garrick was, but more of what he represented and the major impact he had on the show at that point in time. He introduced us to Fitch, who first brought up the whole “Cabal” storyline, which was responsible for a lot of shit in S2 and S3a.

Again, Garrick woke us viewers out of our little complacency that Red & co. were just going to glide through their Blacklisters with only a few cuts and bruises and no real stakes (outside of the Tom/mystery storyline that was going on at the time). This was a good kick in the pants to make us realize that we were wrong.

So, yeah. I feel like he deserves to be Number 2.

1. THE DIRECTOR

So, you’re sitting there, wondering who the hell could be sitting at Number 1... above Garvey, above Kirk and Garrick and Fitch and everyone else?

It’s the man who if I could push a button and bring any of the show’s dead character back to life, he would be the one I’d pick:

Peter Kotsiopulos, The Director ... played by the amazing David Strathairn.

Even though he appeared in 12 episodes over what amounted to an entire season of the show (from 2x09 to 3x10), I really wish The Director hadn’t been killed off. Seriously, I have no idea how much money TPTB had to throw at Strathairn to get him to appear for as long and as many times as he did, but it wasn’t enough. I've always said that this show deserves a Big Bad (assuming that Red isn’t it), and he would’ve been great as the Big Bad for The Blacklist.

While Strathairn's basically just reprising his role as "Unethical and Shady AF Government Official and Resident Mustache-Twirler" from The Bourne Series, it's a role he's REALLY good at. And even though he didn’t get a lot of quiet moments to be humanized or come across as sympathetic, like Kirk did, I still feel like it was such a bitch move for Red and his crew to play on The Director’s feelings for/obligation to his wife as their opportunity to abduct him. I know that Liz was facing trial for murder and desperate times called for desperate measures, but I can just imagine that poor lady sitting in her therapist’s office, wondering where her husband was only to find out that he was a villain who had ditched her and fled the country, when that wasn’t the case AT ALL.

Yeah, I know The Director’s an absolute piece of shit who’s responsible for threatening the entire Task Force, publicly demonizing Liz and almost killing Red... but he was so good at being bad that I wanted him to stick around long-term. I wanted to see him and Liz have more interactions; and again, Stathairn was one of the few actors who held his own in scenes with Spader without any effort.

He was also the first one, as I recall, to set Liz on this path toward Katarina Rostova’s backstory and finding out how alike the two of them were. Remember in 2x19, he remarks how much Liz looks like her mom, and I feel like that sends Liz down a road to get answers from Red about who she was and what his connection was to her mom and her family.

But, anyway, yeah. I just love David Strathairn; I loved him in this role, on this show; and I loved how diabolical, manipulative, and just conniving his character was. I also just absolutely love the look on his face in 3x10 when he and Red are watching Laurel Hitchen on the TV and Hitchen just outs The Director as a member of the Cabal. He just goes from angry and staring daggers at Red to flustered and “oh shit” in an instant.

So, just like my Fitch entry was my opportunity to celebrate how amazing Alan Alda was, this is my chance to celebrate how underrated David Strathairn is as an actor and how much I wish he was still on the show.

But, putting all of that aside, why should The Director as a character be ranked above all those other people as a better Blacklister?

Because, The Director represented the Cabal, which was an entity that had been built up from 1x09 as a major force that had power to easily destroy everything Red, Liz and their crew was trying to work toward. They sent Braxton after info about the Fulcrum, they sent Karakurt to frame Liz, they sent that team of commandos to attack Red. They were a force that seemingly could not be stopped, and the Director was at the head of it all.

And, while I can’t find it anywhere (so help me out if you know what I’m talking about), I know there’s a saying about how the worst man is the one who does evil in the name of good. And that’s The Director. He is the embodiment of all the worst parts of The Blacklist’s villains, actual real life government officials and humanity at large. He has dozens of people killed without batting an eye because it’s all in the interest of “national security.” Or so he tells others. But, deep down, we all know that he’s only really concerned about his own self-interest.

Now that the show has killed him off, obviously, there’s no way for Strathairn to return as The Director; but perhaps, if/once the show delves more into Katarina and Red’s backstory, maybe we will see a Young Director in a flashback so that we can see exactly how he was connected to Katarina, the Cabal, and that whole mess with the Fulcrum.

Plus, I can’t get over how awesome his interactions with Liz were, and Strathairn’s delivery of the now infamous line, “I know who you really are, Raymond -- who you are TO HER.”

###

Again, if you disagree, feel free to reblog with your comments or your own list. This is all purely subjective, but -- because we’re on this crazy-long hiatus until January -- I felt like it was good to fill the time with SOMETHING. My goal with this isn’t to give a definitive list and that’s it; but rather, to prompt discussion about the topic.

Thanks for reading all the way to the end and cheers! ~mm

#the blacklist #nbc the blacklist #lizzington #nbc blacklist #raymond reddington #james spader #masha rostova #elizabeth keen #liz keen #megan boone #blacklisters #mr. kaplan #mr kaplan #leonard caul #the director #anslo garrick #alan fitch #alan alda #david strathairn #alexander kirk #constantin rostov #berlin #solomon #matias solomon #mr. solomon #mr solomon #the decembrist #the stewmaker #madeline pratt #jennifer ehle

[autisticblueteam]

Different People (Carolina/Girlie)

Chapter 2 / 4: Waiting

[AO3] [Ko-Fi in Bio]

Rating: Teen

Warnings: Canon-typical violence, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Canonical Character Death, Drowning, Paralysis [other tags on AO3]

Girlie survived Longshore.

The sole survivor of her team, she found herself thrown out into the world with nowhere to go and nothing to cling to except the burning resentment she held towards the Freelancers. After years of aimlessness, when presented with an opportunity for revenge she snaps it up without hesitation.

But reality is never as simple as fantasy. People aren’t always what you imagined them to be.

Chapter Word Count: 4397

Notes: Writing from Girlie’s perspective here is interesting because it’s making me write opinions of characters that are basically the exact opposite of my own, since she’s so negatively biased.

The conviction was nothing if not swift. Girlie barely had time to register her actual charges before she was pushed through the system and thrown into a prison on some obscure inner colony, but they weren’t hard to guess. Insurrectionist activity, especially this deep into the war, could come with a hefty sentence.

With her history it wasn’t even a wrongful conviction. It may have been years since their cell had disbanded and they’d signed up to the UNSC, but their time in the military and working for Charon didn’t erase the plethora of evidence against her. All Charon had to do was plant a little more evidence to fill in the gaps and ONI ate it up.

Didn’t need the lone member of your questionably legal private security force getting in the way of your rising political power. UNSC Oversight Subcommittee her ass. The shit they’d done for Charon was exactly the kind of shit he was now in charge of investigating.

Funny how that worked.

Prison wasn’t kind. The newfound support of her armour had been stripped away from her so swiftly that it left a sour taste in her mouth. Sure, she could move short distances without it, even train for short times, but she relied on her wheelchair for anything substantial. And prisons? Turns out that in practice, they’re just not that accessible.

Especially not when the wheelchair provided wasn’t designed for self-propelling and any requests for an exchange were ignored. Insurrectionists lay low on the hierarchy there, always had; since the war started it had only gotten worse.

It took a long time and a willingness to sacrifice luxuries to get on her cellmate’s good side, get her to push her as far as the prison’s gym. Keeping up with her exercises helped, fought away some of the hopelessness and restlessness that plagued her, but it wasn’t a fix-all. Most of her days were spent wasting away in her cell, with too too little to do and too much time to think.

“You got any Innie buddies waiting for you on the outside, blondie?” her cellmate, Cass, asked after another long, long day of sitting around doing nothing. She was still trying to decide if it was better or worse than the hospital.

“Nah. No one left to wait for me,” Girlie said, laid back staring at the ceiling.

(Sharkface’s heart monitor flatlining. Snipes, pierced by the same bullet over and over and falling dead on their face.)

There was a pause. “Aliens or humans?”

(Sleeves, his neck snapped by the sheer force of one punch. Demo, blown up and thrown into the water. The Chain Twins, crushed by a fucking crate.)

Girlie chuckled dryly. “We’re Innies. Take a guess.”

(Her back snapping on impact with the concrete platform, water in her lungs and the desperate fight to survive.)

“Damn. That’s rough. Least I can blame the aliens for my lack of welcoming party instead of— y’know, myself.” Girlie raised a brow at her. “You are an Innie. What’d you think was gonna happen?”

“I don’t blame myself,” Girlie said, rolling onto her side. And she didn’t, she never had. This wasn’t her fault, no; she knew who she had to blame and they wore white and aqua armour. Cass mimicked her raised brow and, in turn, Girlie mocked: “You did murder a UNSC official, what’d you think was gonna happen?”

“…touché.”

Huffing, Girlie rolled restlessly to her other side. “All we want is some fucking freedom and the right to self-determination, but nah, that’s enough to warrant killing us. I’ve never blamed myself or any of us when we lose people. Isn’t on us.”

“Shit, girl, sorry I asked,” Cass said, raising her hands defensively.

It had been years since she’d been able to think like that, been able to talk like that—but hey, if she was going to be treated like she was an active Insurrectionist again, then she may as well act like it.

For years, that pretty much summed up her prison experience: being stuck in her room with cellmates that were various levels of shitty; wheelchairs that didn’t suit her needs in prisons that were too big for her to walk; prison guards that didn’t care at best and were outright abusive at worst; long, uninterrupted hours of nothingness. No matter how many times she was transferred—and oh, she was transferred a lot—it was the same. Every prison, every cellmate, every year.

Eventually she came to the conclusion that it was worse than the hospital, much worse. In hospital, there weren’t multiple dangerous pricks in the building that could decide she was the next target at any time. In hospital, there was a modicum of freedom. In hospital, she had a goal.

Locked away in prison with no exit in sight, her anger felt more like a trap than a motivation. All of that rage she’d allowed to fester and target itself at the Freelancers had no outlet—but at the same time, it wasn’t something she could just let go of. More than just a driving force, it came from a place of genuine hatred and resentment towards those fucking Freelancers, from a place of consuming grief that never quite faded.

Just as that resentment and grief wouldn’t fade, neither would the anger that sprung from them. As the years went by it only had longer to simmer, to gnaw away at her.

Everything that had happened since Longshore was their fault—that was a fact to her just as much as it was a fact that you need air to breathe. Agent Carolina and Agent Maine and their team had taken everything from her. Because of them, she’d almost died. Because of them, her family was gone. Because of them, Charon had no use for her. Because of them, she was in prison.

It was all. Their. Fault.

And for all her anger, all she could do was hope that somewhere, out there, they were going through as much hell as she was.

Nothing was unusual about her move to the prison ship, Tartarus. Not only was it far from the first time she’d been stuck on a prison ship for transfer, but it wasn’t even her first long-haul trip with no clear timescale. The ship was filled with a co-ed selection of the UNSC’s least desirable prisoners—people like her, who they simply didn’t care about. People with quite the variety of convictions, from what she heard through the bars.

She’d always hated long-haul transfers. Prison ships meant even shittier cellmates and no time out of their cells. Sure, the cells were a little more spacious to make up for it—she was able to work out, thank god—but there was only so many hours you could share a room with someone without a break before you wanted to add murder to your list.

Weeks went by and nothing happened that challenged the monotony of the journey. The skeleton crew wandered the levels every few hours just to give themselves something to do. Prisoners yelled crude and violent things, but even those began to get repetitive after a while. Stassney did some dumbass shit at least once a cycle. Weeks and weeks of the same shit, of the same routine—it was driving her up the fucking wall, but it wasn’t anything new.

Honestly, the ship getting invaded was the most interesting thing that had happened to her in years.

One minute Stassney was walking past talking about ‘hitch-hiking cheerleaders’—Girlie rolled her eyes so far back she could see herself think—and the next he was returning with a shady looking asshole in full power armour. The way he tilted his head was subtle, but Girlie had years of reading helmets under her belt.

He was scanning the cells.

They disappeared up into the staff areas and the chatter quickly focused on the new arrival. They had to be in the middle of utterly empty, open space right now—where the hell had this guy come from?

Girlie sat on the end of her bed, leaning her elbows against her knees. Even on a full tank and emergency reserves, a Pelican couldn’t get out here on its own and they certainly weren’t staffed by one guy, power armour or not.

Something wasn’t right.

Her suspicions were confirmed less than an hour later when some big fucker strolled through with at least five people in black armour and killed the straggling guards.

It probably said something about her mental state that her only reaction was a dull, “Huh. Figured.”

Yelling filled the air, a cacophony of indistinguishable noise that only fell silent when a deep, commanding voice came over the intercoms with one simple order—

“Quiet.”

Absolute silence fell over the room.

“As of this moment, we are the new crew of this ship.”

Someone a few cells down from her yelled out, “Well who the hell are you?!” and there was a pause, just for a moment, before she saw the taller of the two take a step back and the original guy take the microphone.

He started talking and admittedly, she was only half-listening until she heard the word ‘Freelancers’ in the midst of some verbose speech about needing people for some war, or something. But she didn’t care about that, no.

Freelancers. Fucking Freelancers.

She was listening after that.

“…now, if this totally awesome idea doesn’t sound like your kind of job, we’ll let you off the ship. But if you’re willing to fight for your freedom, then please firmly grasp the bars of your cell in a sign of solidarity.”

Let them off the ship, huh? Nah, no way that was as innocent as it sounded; there was only one way off of this ship when they were out in open space. And she didn’t plan on dying today—especially not without finding out what the Freelancers had to do with this.

So she got up, grabbed the cell bars. All around her she heard the sounds of hands slapping against bars, of indistinct mumbling. Some people sat back down, paced their cells with dismissive waves of their hands. Their funeral, she guessed.

Weakened as her legs were, her upper body had remained strong and when the purge activated, she had all the motivation she needed to hold on tight. The sharp, gut-punch of a tug tore her breath away and filled her with a genuine fear for her life that she hadn’t felt in years—

And then it was over. Purge doors slammed shut and the screaming all but stopped. Girlie collapsed to the floor, waiting for her cybernetics to recover after the sudden jerk.

But she was alive.

And they’d mentioned Freelancers.

Now all she had to do was wait and see what the fuck was going on.

As it turned out she didn’t have to wait that long at all. Not even another hour passed before heavy footsteps approached her cell and she was confronted by both the leaders of this little invasion and another prisoner. A man with deep brown skin and a pair of dark eyes that glinted with something inscrutable.

She’d never seen him before in her life, but that look in his eyes told her one thing: he definitely knew her.

“Arianna Leoraine,” the tall, awkward one said, “we’ve been informed—” his helmet tilted towards the prisoner, “—that you have history with the Freelancer agents we’re up against. Is that true?”

Huh, just like she thought. Somehow, this random guy who just so happened to be on the same prison ship as her knew her and not only that, knew her history. There were only a couple of reasons she could think of that would explain that: either he used to work for Charon—unlikely, her team was known of by only a select few—or he used to work for Freelancer.

And oh, wasn’t that possibility interesting.

“Maybe. What’s it to you?” she said, even as she stood up. Folding her arms under her chest she tilted her head. “Gonna let me at them?”

“Maybe,” the small, talkative one said, one hand on his hip as the other gesticulated vaguely. “Depends on a few things, like if you can hold your own in a fight… if you know how to follow orders… that sort of thing. Boring stuff, but necessary. Can’t have someone causing us more trouble than we already have, now can we?”

Rolling her eyes, Girlie tilted her head forward and set him with a firm stare. “Look, you point me in the direction of one of those assholes? I’ll do whatever you need me to do. No questions asked. I’ve been waiting for a chance like this for years, I’m not going to mess that up.”

“Well then,” he shared a look with his partner, that tall, quiet one whose helmet gave away nothing, “I think we have some talking to do, don’t you?”

“Yeah, I do. But if you want that talk happening up on the bridge? You’re either gonna have to bring me some armour or send one of your guys to grab a wheelchair from storage,” she said, folding her arms tighter and standing her ground. Her legs still felt shaky after the pull of the purge.

The tall one nodded towards a couple of their men that were standing by and soon, they returned with a chair.

Alright, that was a decent start.

Their names were Felix and Locus. They were some mercenaries working out here in the middle of bumfuck nowhere on some backwater planet named Chorus. Somehow the locals had gotten the help of a couple of Freelancers and their friends. All the mercenaries wanted was some manpower to help them clear out the resistance and to get rid of the Freelancers.

Couldn’t say she agreed with the principle of the thing, but she had fallen far beyond principles. Years of boredom and building resentment had left no room for that, not right now. Not when she was faced with the chance to get revenge.

There were only two of them, apparently. Two survivors out of the ten colourful suits of armour she could never forget. At first they didn’t mention names—she couldn’t tell if that was deliberate or not—but eventually, her prodding got an answer.

Agent Carolina and Agent Washington.

The assholes who fought Sharkface (the entire left side of his face crushed and scarred, his eye gone, the bone implants he needed to survive—) two of the assholes that dropped that fucking building on him and Demo (his arm, gone, absolutely mangled, the missing chunk of his torso—) that fucking aqua armoured fuck who stabbed her, who helped that big brute kill Demo and tried to kill her (her back snapping, so much water between her and the surface—)

Turned out the big guy had been dead a while.

She didn’t know quite how she felt about that, not getting the chance to take them out herself, but…

One was better than none.

“Seems like our goals line up perfectly,” Girlie said, sat in her chair. The helmets were still on, but she met Felix’s gaze through his visor. “I want the Freelancers dead, you want the Freelancers out of the way.”

“Exactly,” Felix said, gesturing his pointer finger vaguely in her direction. “A nice neat little arrangement. You get your revenge and we get those pesky Freelancers off our asses so we can finish what we came here to do.”

“You will be provided with armour and equipment,” Locus said, still unreadable behind that helmet. “You will work more closely with us and you will be guided by the Counselor.”

The Counselor hovered silently off to the side. She felt the weight of his gaze on her, observing, analysing. That look in his eye made sense when she realised he must have been some Freelancer psychologist or something, with a name like ‘the Counselor’.

Didn’t surprise her that they wanted to keep an eye on her, but it wasn’t like she really cared. So long as he didn’t get in her way, there was no reason for her to risk objecting.

But only so long as he didn’t get in her way.

“Alright,” she said, shrugging. “That armour better be the good shit. Oh, and I work best with knives.”

With a hand over his chestplate and mock reverence, Felix said, “A woman after my very own heart. Don’t you worry, Leoraine, you’ll be supplied with the very best equipment we have to offer. Just make it worth it.”

“Don’t you worry,” she retorted, “because making it worth it won’t be an issue. Also— I’d prefer if you called me Girlie. Not Leoraine, or even Arianna.”

Even with his helmet blocking her view, Girlie could practically see the quick blinks of his double-take. “Girlie. What kind of— seriously? That’s a little on the nose, don’t you think?”

Maybe. These days she barely even remembered the origin of the nickname—it wasn’t that she was the only girl in the group, after all—but that had always been the point of their nicknames, they were ridiculously, ridiculously ‘on the nose’. They were stupid, but they used them more than they ever used their real names.

She needed that back now, more than ever.

“Oh right, okay, says the guy who’s partner goes by the name of their helmet,” she said, raising a brow. Catching the slight tensing of Locus’ shoulders, she added, “Not being a dick, just making a point.”

“…touché. Alright, Girlie, congratulations, you’ve got yourself a job.”

No, she’d gotten a little more than that.

True to their word they got her kitted up and they didn’t skimp out on her, either. The armour was top quality and it felt good to be able to stand without pain again, without feeling like her legs were going to give out under her at any minute. All black and standard issue, it was nothing special, but it was more than functional.

Somehow, an off-hand comment to the Counselor about how she preferred her old helmet even swung her an old ODST model from somewhere. He was trying to make her ‘comfortable’, get her to open up or some shit—definitely a psychologist. For now, she let him believe it was working.

It had been days since the invasion of the ship and days since she’d been promised her chance at the Freelancers, but so far there had been no opportunity to act. Being stuck up here on the ship felt annoyingly like nothing had changed, but she held on to the fact that as soon as there was news, she’d be shipped out.

Hopefully.

Until then she was subjected to daily sessions with the Counselor. He was good at acting like he gave a shit, she’d give him that, but she wasn’t here to be psychoanalyzed. She gave him just enough to keep him satisfied without ever really revealing anything he didn’t clearly already know—even when he pretended he knew nothing. Offering up little bits about her teammates’ deaths and her need for revenge even got her some information in return, information outside of what he needed to tell her.

Agent Maine, the big guy, had finally been killed by drowning.

She’d be lying if she said that didn’t give her some kind of sick catharsis. Nothing could have been more fitting.

Days passed by and she found it harder to suppress the frustration. Sessions with the Counselor were tedious and she had to watch her words closely. Any time that wasn’t spent with him was spent training, running drills to get her strength back.

After almost a week of nothing, the Counselor brought her another ‘gift’: red spray paint.

At first, she side-eyed it, wondered what she’d said that made him bring it, but finding no point in letting the offering go to waste she picked it up; it would make it easier for Carolina to recognise who she was.

For once the Counselor sat mostly silently as she worked, using the tools he provided her with to mark up her lipstick print and heart—once on the helmet, once on the chestplate—but it didn’t last forever. Eventually, he opened his mouth.

“That symbol… I take it that it’s important to you,” he said, nodding towards both the work she did and the matching tattoo that was visible on the back of her shoulder. There was another one much lower down, but he wasn’t ever going to be privy to that.

“Suppose so.” Finishing taping it off, she threw her hair back into a messy bun and grabbed a face mask.

“Do you find it representative of yourself?”

“I find it representative of me being a gigantic lesbian, sure,” she said, finding herself holding back an eye roll and not for the first time. Fucking psychologists. “Look, we all had a symbol; Snipes had a crosshair, Boss had a pill, the twins had their smileys, Sharkface had his fucking shark teeth, so on and so on. It’s just a thing. It’s not deep.”

“Alright,” the Counselor said, in that tone that meant he really did think it was deep. “Have you chosen to recreate the symbol to honour your fallen teammates?”

God this man was insufferable. Like fuck she was going to tell him that. “No. I’ve chosen to recreate it because one, I like it and two, I want Agent Carolina to recognise me.” She started shaking her spray can. “Simple as that.”

“So you want her to be aware of who’s killing her and why.”

“No shit. Doesn’t take a degree to figure that one out. Yeah, I want the asshole who nearly killed me and did kill my friends to know who the fuck’s killing her.”

“I see,” he said, with that same tone; he really thought he had her on lock, didn’t he?

She was starting to rethink the idea that killing him wasn’t worth the trouble.

Opting to ignore him instead, she finished shaking her can and started spraying out the design on her helmet. The shade of red wasn’t quite the same but it looked good enough. Bright and distinctive against the black. There’d be no question of Carolina noticing the symbols.

Setting the helmet down to dry, she moved onto the chestplate. There was silence, for a while; the Counselor slipped back into that observant quiet, ever analysing eyes set on her.

She’d moved onto adding other red details by the time he spoke again.

“Once Locus and Felix have finished their work at the newest location of interest, you’ll be sent down to monitor the location for the Freelancer’s arrival,” he said out of nowhere. Forced her to restrain the burst of what was almost excitement in her chest, tense up to stop herself reacting too strongly. “I trust you’ve reviewed the files on Agent Washington and Carolina?”

“Of course I have. And no, I don’t have any questions.” Agent Washington was stubborn and survivable, but he was better with a weapon in his hand than he was at hand-to-hand. Agent Carolina was competitive and highly skilled in multiple ways; she worked with an aging AI called Epsilon and had units at her disposal. Nothing she hadn’t seen before. “No, actually, I do, but not about them. What kind of location?”

“An ancient temple of alien origin. There are several on Chorus, this particular one having been newly revealed. It’s a point of interest for both sides of the conflict, at least one of the Freelancers will certainly arrive.”

“Alright.” Alien temples. What kind of planet was this? “I can work with that.”

Stopping the spray, she took a moment to admire her work.

Striking red, unmissable and unmistakable.

Agent Carolina would definitely know what hit her.

The strange mix of anxiety, excitement and rage that filled her on the Pelican ride down to Chorus was… indescribable. A combination unlike anything she’d ever felt before. Years waiting for this opportunity, hanging onto the idea of revenge with a somehow resigned desperation. She didn’t know if she’d ever believed she’d get the chance, not after Charon turned her in.

But here she was.

They arrived on-location a little while after Locus and Felix had moved on, heading to some big confrontation out at one of the radio towers. Girlie only had time for a cursory glance at the temple itself and the strange bright light shooting out of it before she and her back-up had to duck into a hidden area, overlooking the central zone. Wait.

As the sound of Warthogs and voices approached the temple.

A voice that Girlie hadn’t heard in years, but would recognise anywhere, among them.

It took all of her willpower not to blow their cover then and there, to gather information first like she’d been told to. She had to stand there, gripping her knives tight to ground herself as she took in everything that was said—most of it was irrelevant, but once that alien AI appeared… well, she figured the mercenaries would like the information that followed.

The Purge. Any other day she might have felt some kind of hesitance in passing that information on, but as she typed and sent the communication she found she felt no such thing. Not with Carolina a mere hundred metres away.

Not when the mention of the multiple maps finally gave them a chance to act.

“Carolina!”

Four of the ‘space pirates’—really, what kind of title—jumped out from their hiding position, rifles drawn, firing—

And just like she’d expected, the bubble shield appeared. (The thing that had killed Snipes, the death trap that ricocheted bullets endlessly, shooting them over and over with the same fucking bullet—)

Like she’d ever have let the pirates have first shot if she thought it’d work.

“And that was close.”

“Affirmative.”

“Charon’s here?!”

“Urgh, they've been here the whole time.”

“That’s right.” Her heart pounded in her chest as she strode forward, out into the open. Looked down at them, at that aqua coloured armour that had haunted her for years. Rage, bubbling up in her chest—

Carolina looked at her. Girlie saw the intake of breath. Smirked.

“Well hello. What a pleasure to see you again.”

#rvb girlie #agent carolina #girlina #rvb #red vs blue #rvb fic #my fanfiction #fic: different people

[sftswigan]

Manchester gutter punks, The Battery Farm, talk to us about horrific crime inspiring a song and how they just had to form this band...

We’ve got frontman/guitarist Ben from the band.

Alright Ben, can you tell us about the band. Who plays what and how the band got together?

Hallo! We are The Battery Farm, four gutter bastards from Manchester playing gnarly, seething punk rock music.

Ben Corry on Vocals and Guitar, Dominic Corry on Guitar, Paul Worrall on Bass, Sam Parkinson on Drums. Me and Dom formed this band from the ashes of a band we'd previously been in together for 8 years. At the point we formed The Battery Farm we were in a low place, feeling like failures, feeling defeated by this thing that we'd built for years just imploding, feeling angry and scared and hopeless at the utter state of the world. We basically decided to do this in the pub one night when we felt like we had absolutely nothing to lose. It was formed as a desperate reaction to two lives and minds spiralling out of control in a hostile, hateful world.

That must have been tough but, seems like it’s worked out well and the band from what I can tell is going from strength to strength. How soon did you find the remaining members, Paul and Sam? What have they brought to the band?

It has actually. Helpfully, it was a fertile environment from which to create. The first wave of songs - stuff like I Am a Man - are the purest distillation of that sense of lashing out, that sense of desperation we were feeling at the time.

We found Paul pretty much straight away. I'd known him for years through Manchester's Fringe theatre scene, having been in a couple of plays with him. He'd come to see me in a play, I knew he was a musician as well as an actor (although I don't think I'd grasped just how good he is), so I asked if he fancied playing bass for our new band. Sam we actually didn't know before the band, and it took a little longer to get him in. He works for the same company i do and I'd heard he was a drummer, so I got his contact details, asked him if he fancied coming for a rehearsal with us. It all clicked, and the rest is history.

Paul and Sam bring a massive amount to the band. They lift the songs me and Dom write and add a very particular combination of power and melody which you'll be hard pressed to come by very often. They're fucking ace and they know what is good for the song. No ego, no fucking about. They know what's important.

Sounds like you needed that new band to form quickly and to find drummer and bassist when you did you was very fortunate. I watched an interview of you and Dom recently and you talked about inspiration for songwriting and I was interested in where 97/91 came from. When it comes to writing where do you first look to for ideas?

Yeah we did, finding a drummer was comparitively difficult and I think if we'd have really struggled then we honestly would have just given up on it. 97/91 came about after I read an article about the murder of Suzanne Capper in Moston, north Manchester, which is where me and Dom grew up. I'm not going to go into details but if you look it up you'll see that it's the most horrific thing you've ever read. It stuck with me for weeks afterwards, and part of that was because I knew the streets where it had taken place and the community in which it had taken place. The houses it happened in - numbers 97 and 91 - are still there to this day. I got to thinking about why I reacted so viscerally to that story in particular; atrocities happen every day and we don't bat an eyelid, not really. It had such an impact because I was so familiar with the setting, so familiar with the type of person involved. It was too real. 97/91 explores the idea that we make a trade-off in our lives, one which enables cognitive dissonance that shields us from the impact the mass, relentless violence of the world. It also means that when something evil happens in a familiar setting the impact is much greater.

How can it only be real when you can see it? 97/91 isn't necessarily about the Capper murder itself, but the murder is a jumping off point to explore the faustian pact at the heart of the human condition, the one that keeps us sane but also ebbs away at our souls.

Our ideas just literally come from trying to explain our perspective on the world, we don't necessarily make a conscious effort to look in one place for ideas. We just write about whatever moves us. That can be mental illness, corrupt political systems, or the fact that I've never been to Gorton, which is literally the title of one of our new songs.

I find reading about crime stories really interesting, it’s madness what goes on in this world! This is one I’m not aware of but this must have been difficult to write about with it being so close to home? I love the anger and aggression in your music and lyrics.

You mentioned being an actor earlier, do you think this has an influence on your performance as a front man?

Yeah I went through a short phase of listening to true crime podcasts earlier this year but i had to stop bec it was all too grim. It was difficult to explore the ideas that particular incident led me onto but the endgame wasn't to just write about the murder itself, so I suppose keeping that in mind kept my head clear and made things easier.

Honestly, i try to keep any ideas of acting and theatre separate from the band. The actor thing can be frustrating at times because people conflate that with what I do in the band and think that everything must be a performance of some kind, which it isn't. The whole idea of putting The Battery Farm together was that it could give us an outlet to express ourselves honestly, and to me the stuff I do as a frontman is just an honest reaction to what I'm singing and what it makes me feel. I try not to overthink that aspect of it because I feel like to do so would water it down. It needs to be raw, it needs to be stark, it needs to be reality. If it's an actor's performance I'm not really getting anything out of it.

It’s amazing how reading/listening to one can lead on to another one. But yeah hard to shake off once you’ve learned about them.

You’re performance on stage seems very honest and I love to see in a frontman.

Moving on to the music scene...Manchester in particular is buzzing at the minute. Did the band find it easy to slot in? What’s been your favourite gig up to now?

We did actually. We knew a couple of people anyway from being in previous bands but until now I'd always found the Manchester scene a little unfriendly. It's totally different now. Not only is it overflowing with incredible, original, exciting new bands but it's also full of amazing people, and in the year we've been gigging we've made some wonderful friends. There's a proper sense of inclusivity and community, a lack of ego and aloofness that wasn't there before.

My favourite, and I think the others would agree with me, is our first headline set which was at The Peer Hat last November. It was an Abattoir Blues night and they're always amazing. The venue was packed to capacity and the atmosphere was electric. It was the kind of big, simmering sweatbox that seems impossible to imagine in the current climate. I want every gig we play to be like that one.

Yeah it’s great to see bands appreciating each other’s music and plugging their stuff on social media etc. I love going to Manchester for a gig. It’s a great time for guitar music in the UK at the minute with bands like Idles, Fontaines DC and Sports Team doing really well. And also The Blinders bringing album 2 out very soon!

That gig sounds like a great night!

When all this is over and we get some normality back...what are the bands plans?

Well, we're heading into the studio later this summer to begin work on... something. Beyond that it's hard to say because like everyone else we can't really make plans at the moment. Like everyone else we're pretty much having to make it up as we go along. We do have gigs booked for November and December but whether they'll happen or not remains up to fate. Everything going to plan, we may be in for an exciting end to the year. Maybe.

Gonna be very exciting for all bands and music once gigs/recording etc can happen again isn’t it.

Got so many new bands I want to see. Have you discovered any new bands during lockdown? If not, what have you been listening to?

Lockdown's actually been really fruitful in terms of new bands releasing amazing stuff. I've been listening to a lot of Tinfoils recently, they're a delight! Also been loving new stuff from Cold Water Swimmers, The Red Stains, Richard Carlson Band, The Maitlands, loads of stuff. I've also recently discovered John Shuttleworth, a comedy singer from Sheffield who does weird Phoenix Club-type songs about stuff like margerine and vans. I love stuff like that, real end of the pier nonsense.

I love Tinfoils and down to have them on here in Wigan but then lockdown came. The other bands I’m aware of too but not the solo artists you’ve mentioned.

Yeah Tinfoils are great. John Shuttleworth has been around for years i think. I can imagine he won't be to everyone's taste. Richard Carlson Band are actually named after the actor Richard Carlson, who was in The Creatire From the Black Lagoon. There is no Richard Carlson in that band! They're absolutely ace, they released their debut single a few weeks ago and I've had it on repeat.

I’ll be sure to listen to your recommendations, love finding new music to listen to.

We’re coming to the end of the interview now, I’ve just got a couple of questions. You’ll get two options, you pick one answer...

Winter or summer?

Sex Pistols or The Clash?

Roast dinner or Chinese?

Film or Book?

Winter

The Clash

Roast Dinner

Book

Thanks for having me! Hopefully see you soon

Thanks Ben for taking the time to chat to us. Hopefully we’ll cross paths at a gig soon.

If you want to listen to the band please go and follow them on social media and their music is on Spotify etc.

#Batteryfarm #97/91 #Manchester #Punk #SFTSWIGAN #Youtube

[lj-writes]

Thoughts on The Get Down Part 2

This show is definitely NOT afraid to shake things up create seismic change, is it? I love it!! No pussyfooting around here, TGD actually goes there with the consequences. The rest under the cut for spoilers.

- And here I thought, was hoping in fact, that Boo-Boo’s drug dealing was the one plot point that was going to end without consequence and hoo boy... I thought, didn’t I. They sure showed me.

One interesting thing about Cadillac is that, evil as he is, he's a genuine believer in disco and its culture. It isn’t a combination I’ve often seen, the overlap of murderous crime lord and fanatic for his art. Both sides are genuine aspects of his character, making for a complex and layered characterization.

- After seeing the Season 1 finale (I refuse to call it the show finale, okay?) I can see that this was actually a conflict within the character, the part that wanted to break free.

- I am naming “You find something melodic about this situation?/The whole thing’s off-key to me” the best villainous exchange of all time.

Who would have thought the character crossing their Rubicon would be Lydia even more than Mylene? If I had any doubts about Ramon being an abusive piece of shit (I didn’t), his violence toward his wife and daughter sealed it. I mean, when people think of abuse they usually think of violence, but that’s not always true. A lot of abusers use violence as a last resort, when they feel their control slipping.

On a related note, I love that this show doesn’t shrink back from the complexities of freedom--criminality, objectification, commercialization, drugs, it’s all presented without sanitization. The Get Down Brothers and the Soul Madonnas each fought in their own ways to be free without selling out, to succeed without compromising who they were as people.

- I squealed when, backstage at the Ruby Con, Zeke gave Mylene pretty much the exact speech she game him in Part 1--that he could not be with her if she did not fight for her ambitions, that he loved her too much to watch her give up on herself. These two support each other and hold each other up so much, my heart melts every time I see them together.

- Some, of course, didn’t make it out. It was gutwrenching when Shaolin, who convinced Cadillac to break free by confronting his own history of abuse at Annie’s hands, himself ultimately went back to Annie to save his friends. This, when we already knew how he was affected by the abuse in the way his rage at Annie found its outlet in violence... just... no words.

- They were missing part of the footage in Mr. Books’s show, all right? They didn’t get to the part where the lights shone on the other side of the stage and there was Shao behind his turntable. I refuse to believe otherwise.

I think Jackie’s learned something about himself and his creative process from writing “Set Me Free.” Creative isolation is out, big, communal, spiritual party is in. It also looks like he’s kicked his addiction, or at least cut down/switched to less hard drugs? It may be amusing to think of the assortment of drag queens and musicians holed up in his hotel room as his church, but I think it serves pretty much the same function as Jackie himself told Ramon.

Papa Fuerte’s fall was an understated epic. He was used, betrayed, and discarded, a visionary whose ambition came smack up against capitalistic greed and systematic racism. He has a lot to say, indeed. He is called a criminal but I understand him more as a big man, a leader who takes responsibility for his constituents and allocates resources. Look at the way he provided for the community when the blackout happened. A lot of criminality in underserved areas can be understood as filling the void left by governments, I think.

Hearing the man moan like a wounded wolf at the sight of Lydia’s wounds may have been one of the most emotional moments of the show for me. The good-bye in her kitchen, her telling him she loved him, it was so heartrending and perfect.

- So like was anyone surprised at Mylene’s parentage reveal? ...Anyone? No hands, I see. It was obvious from the moment her mother’s relationship with Papa Fuerte was shown and should have been obvious sooner, she really is a mix of them.

- I remember wondering more than once what the attraction to Ramon was and why Lydia couldn’t have been with the guy she loved in the first place. Ramon probably convinced her that she was a sinner who needed him to save her, and he can be very charming when things are going his way, i.e. when she was suitably submissive. The stability he represented, emotionally and socially if not financially, may have been a draw, too. And of course, if she was already committed to Ramon before she met his hot brother that would have presented impossibilities of its own.

- It was probably for the best anyway, she would have been put through unimaginably more shit as Papa Fuerte’s wife rather than his sister-in-law. Maybe that’s why he didn’t press the issue, he knew this would happen sooner or later.

- This is terrible of me but “pillaged my nest” may be the hottest euphemism for cheating I have heard.

Ra-Ra is autistic, right? I mean, I thought so from Part 1 but it became even clearer in Part 2. Watched Star Wars 57 times? (And I thought my watching Crimson Tide 17 times was a lot...) Finds it easier to explain concepts through pop culture? Talking sounds stilted, as though he’s taking the wording from books and movies which he’s all but memorized as references? Like, it’s so obvious. I’m pretty sure Dizzee is on the spectrum too.

I wish we’d seen more of the Zulu Queens because we did not see nearly enough female MCs and b-girls. I wish there was more of everything from this show, basically.

#the get down #so many thoughts #that's all i can think of for now may add more #review #meta #basically i'm a mess right now

[blschaos3000-blog]

Its 3:31 pm

Welcome to a another edition of “8 Questions with…..” I’m pretty jazzed up for today’s interview with George Rother. I’m finally getting to talk with a fellow film buff and critic who is very much like myself. And just like most SERIOUS film buffs,George just doesn’t stick with the latest blockbusters or trendy releases,he isn’t afraid to explore quality foreign offerings or B-movie fun. If it can be seen on a screen,George is there to offer fair and quality insight and honestly,one can spend hours on his website Movie Guy 24/7. I know because the cheetah and I have spent a few visits checking out some classics from days gone by. George also has a crazy interactive Facebook page with over 10,000 followers who enjoy talking films in a respectful way which is rather refreshing to see. I’ll post a link down below after the interview. But for now,let’s go ask George his 8 Questions…….

  Please introduce yourself and tell us a little about Movie Guy 24/7

 My name is George Rother. I am a lifelong movie lover. I started Movie Guy 24/7 in 2010 after health reasons forced me to retire early. I’m primarily a film critic but I do more than review movies. If you go on the Movie Guy 24/7 FaceBook page, I post things daily. I offer up trivia, I ask questions, I give challenges, I put up songs, clips and trailers from movies. I do all sorts of things to interact with my fans/friends. 

What makes film so important to you?

Film has been a constant in my life. I didn’t have a lot of friends growing up so I often went to the movies by myself. I got used to it actually. Film has always been a subject of interest to me. Even as a kid, I wanted to see adult-oriented films like All That Jazz, The Rose, Apocalypse Now and Kramer vs. Kramer. Of course, that pesky parental R-rated movie block kept getting in the way. LOL! Anyway, I just felt at home getting caught up in a filmed story. I became a regular filmgoer at 13 and always seemed to know more about movies than other people my age. 

Are movies better today then when you started watching them? What are the three biggest changes besides budgetsand special effects that you like/dislike from films of yesterday and today?

LOL! I hate to resort to cliches but they sure don’t make them like they used to. Most of today’s movies are so impersonal. They’re not art, they’re made by committee. A lot of them are derivative. Comedies aren’t funny anymore; they’re just foul, gross and vulgar. PG-13 horror movies are the cinematic equivalent of watered-down alcoholic drinks. Blockbusters are little more than convoluted, CGI-heavy noisefests. I don’t really care for CGI; it looks too fake. Give me old school practical effects any day. 

What makes a movie a “classic” in your eyes?

 That’s a subjective thing. Everybody has their own ideas as to what makes a movie classic. If pressed, I suppose I’d have to say longevity. Will it hold up 5, 10, 20 years from now? Sadly, not many of today’s movies are future classics. 

Did you feel Hollywood has played a huge part in the rise of gun violence with so many violent shoot-’em ups?

 There has always been shooting in movies. Look at the old westerns from the 20s and 30s. Look at the gangster movies from that era. They seemed very violent at the time. Nowadays, filmmakers can get away with showing a lot more. However, I think the depiction of gun violence in film (and TV) has little to do with the rise in real life gun violence. I think it has to do with a person’s nature and/or their surroundings. 

What is a difference between a movie critic and a movie buff?

 LOL! Why can’t somebody be both? OK, here’s my answer. A movie critic watches a film analytically whereas a movie buff is passionate about film in general. In other words, business vs. pleasure. 

What five films/five stars/five directors are you favorites and why?

 WOW! That’s a tall question. Let’s start with favorite movies. If you mean all-around cinematic perfection, perfect in every way, I’d have to say Casablanca. If you mean what movie gives me the most pleasure, I’d say the 1982 version of Conan the Barbarian. I can’t really give you a top 5 here so I’ll just give you my favorites in a few genres. Sci-fi: (tie) Blade Runner and 2001: A Space Odyssey, Horror: The Shining, Comedy: A Fish Called Wanda, Cop: Sharky’s Machine, Action: First Blood, Action-Adventure: Raiders of the Lost Ark, Drama: Gandhi and Western: Once Upon a Time in the West. Okay, top 5 (no particular order) lists coming up. My five favorite actors are Jack Nicholson, Clint Eastwood, Steve McQueen, Harvey Keitel and Samuel L. Jackson. My five favorite actresses are Bette Midler, Goldie Hawn, Scarlett Johansson, Audrey Hepburn and Ingrid Bergman. My five favorite directors are David Lynch, David Fincher, Quentin Tarantino, Alejandro Jodorowsky and Martin Scorsese. I don’t really have a reason why other than I like what/who I like.

 Is streaming going to kill both the theater experience and pyschical media in your opinion?

 I hope that there will always be movie theaters. Nothing matches the experience of seeing a film on the big screen. However, I think more and more small-to-medium budgeted films will premiere on streaming services. It will definitely cut into box office revenue. As for me, I will always see films at a theater.

What five films/fiver stars/fivedirectors do you dislike the most and why?

 Ah, my dislikes. Okay, here’s my Top 10 Worst Movies starting with 1979’s Caligula, In my not-so-humble opinion, that is the absolute worst film EVER! It is a vile, disgusting, degrading, depressing and artless piece of crap. The rest of the list is as follows: (2) Basic Instinct 2, (3) Windows, (4) It’s Pat: The Movie, (5) Gummo, (6) Wild Wild West, (7) Baby Geniuses, (8) Knock Off, (9) Dangerous Game and (10) Born American. My five worst actors/actresses: Tom Cruise, Roseanne Barr, Rosie Perez, Ben Affleck and Steven Seagal. Five worst directors: (1) and (2) are Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, the guys behind lousy spoofs like Disaster Movie, Vampires Suck and Meet the Spartans. The others are Michael Bay, William “One Shot” Beaudine (Billy the Kid vs. Dracula, Jesse James Meets Frankenstein’s Daughter) and William Shatner (ever see Star Trek V?).

Your Facebook page is rising fast in popularity,what makes it such a hot spot for fans?

 I guess I’m just lucky. I try to make the page fun for everybody. It’s geared towards movie geeks like myself but I also try to make it accessible for casual movie fans.

What is your impression of TV in general?

 For years, I regarded TV as a cultural wasteland. I had no interest in it. As of late, it’s changed a lot. Episodic TV is rapidly becoming popular. Some stories just can’t be told in two hours. Look at Killing Eve and Big Little Lies. My wife and I do a lot of binge watching in the summer. Right now, we’re doing Stranger Things. It’s great. In May/June, we did all eight seasons of Game of Thrones. It was great too.  The other great thing is when a network cancels a good show like Designated Survivor, it might get picked up by a streaming outlet like Netflix. I’d say TV has come a very long way.

The cheetah and I are flying in to catch you hosting a film festival but we’re a day early and now you are playing tour guide,what are we doing?

 If I was to show you guys around Philadelphia, I’d probably take you to some places where movies were shot. Of course, we’d have to go to Philly’s best cheese steak joint, Jim’s on South Street. After that, who knows? Maybe we’ll catch a movie at one of the Ritz Theaters here in town.

I like to thank George for graciously taking the time to talk film and TV with us today. The cheetah and I seriously recommend following George’s Facebook page for Movie Guy 24/7.  Tell’em that we sent you…..you won’t be sorry and you’ll be very entertained! I should have asked George if Jim’s Steaks delivers……..

While the cheetah and I don’t have 10k fans as of yet,we too have a Facebook page called Have Cheetah,Will View which we hope you’ll drop by and join up…

Thank you all for your support,we have a whole new crop of interviews coming including two of my biggest names yet. Stay tuned…….

8 Questions with…………. film buff George Rother of Movie Guy 24/7 Its 3:31 pm Welcome to a another edition of "8 Questions with....." I'm pretty jazzed up for today's interview with George Rother.

#8 Questions With #film buff #film critic #film reviews #Film theater #George Rother #Movie Guy 24/7 #movies #Netflix #passionate #Philadelphia #streaming services #TV shows #writer

[freeselfeducation]

I’m a poet so I wrote it in & then technology made sure no one “poked” it. Since—poof—disappears! In a strange new atmosphere where “parents” can be safe again? I appreciate the interest of one person TODAY. At MCA. Head injury, TBI/PCS with PTSD is no big deal when I win back divinity since they had to get real with me to feel what I reject—hypocrisy. Does poetry scare ya? Why I double dog dare ya to deflect that convo about a classroom for my kids ONE more time & this time, I won’t stare at ya. What is memory? What we hear. What we see. Documenting a stupified face looking back at me & the words were, “it’s your tone Ms...” but the trick is, that stupid expression is me/mine. Ugh. Next time I’ll find that perfect rhyme.

Lesson : never make a situation about educational discrimination & cognitive/physical & yes, sexual (an investigation that really didn’t follow policy) safety about one’s tone. Like eva.

No gag order & my only warder is bystander abuse on replay like a crank recorder & why PROJECT ONE (out of 25) is to officially resign from education online after I report what I found, the query always stigma bound of How To Stop the Rewind of voices saying COPE. No. Change the law since I reported abuse/neglect, lost my license, but I have great hope. Ptsd is “p”ics, “t”ouches, “s”ounds disordered, so I ordered it & that is why I now describe all their lies, my ptsd brain recorded IT❣️

Lesson : one’s ignorance can be the very thing to set them free. Two parents ask the principal to change the grading scale & my evaluation on him goes missing... leave ED. This isn’t your strength, dude.

I write “IT” here. I shared this site, for the first time in years. But freeeducation is safest, my determination to create is to elevate all who have helped me regain that teacher identity! Seriously! If I can teach myself anything then what’s the point of being a teacher who will always dream 🍎❣️ Not knowing what I wrote (that’s short term memory loss) & the “IT,” since I refuse to sit with these shittiest shits because my body gave out & after 6 years, I can’t handle it! Oh no 😬 but wait. Stop. Regroup. Demand—make the body move—then command since TODAY, shaking, dizzy, stiff & an immediate sense of how many people are in this space—get away from “IT”—call it out as fear—now groove—say, “u get outta here!” When you FACE IT, it can never adhere if you are crystal clear.

GIVE MY STUDENTS A CLASSROOM IS CLEAR TO ME.

Check time ✅ & I WILL NOT BE going tonight to the place of violence since decided to write [this] & next week, I can always try it —or not—already scared to share. How can I give it a go if I can’t get to that spot? An open mic night since creating a safe artistic space to learn work & play in is my only goal, hanging around too many adult play pens so start that pen. Deal with triggers. Write, go figure. It’s all full circle w 6 0 6 1 4. Someone breaking a silence & didn’t know then, but now, it did remove more violence since this admin is not just childish, but greed personified & oh the ways they lied & lied & lies.

Lesson : if you take federal money, do not violate IDEA (google it) & if you make up a story to ADA about pullout/pushin sercuves, it reveals NO KNOWLEDGE of your students’ rights. How can this person stand up for them?

In a nutshell,

Let’s encourage self-expression in a variety of hands-on & performance art ways. It’s possibly to include daily practice in self-assessment & self-regulation through modeling. Include biology/anatomy & the dialectic/the aesthetic as essential foundation skills. I witnessed things I can’t forget, uncomfortably numb about what exactly I was going to do about it after the principal walked out of a room when violence exploded during my evaluation thus showing me everything about basic stupidity (I had to return his laptop to him) & why I will always support debating ethics, intriducung psychology in the form of abnormal personality (insecure, lonely, inadequate) & creative problem solving 🙄 🌈❣️...that darkness is artless & with no outlet, it’s starkness KILLS CHILDREN’S FUTURES & not just my students. What do you think happens if ‘lil kids who self-harm & harm others never learn self-control? They become stats.

Education is Victimology & special education is intrinsic motivation + learning behavioralist, don’t forget.

T-note 🍎 took 72 minutes to write & tech blew up first written piece (took 37 mins) w 0 memory of what I wrote. (1st go & let it go) That’s the uj. Also, 3 audio flows to support physiological increase of symptoms w 100% awareness & ability to manage “flare-up.” Verbal ✅ Tech ✅ under 5 mins? ✅

ALL THESE WORDS INSPIRED BY a pic : THE END ✅❣️

TY J

[ethanalter]

HBO Oz 20th Anniversary Oral History

(GIF: HBO)

In today’s Peak TV landscape, television creators have a multitude of content-hungry outlets eager to attract an audience for their wares: Streaming services and premium cable compete alongside basic cable and network television, while viral video-generating Internet hot spots like YouTube and Funny or Die are cranking out original programming as well.

It’s a brave new world, one that began to take shape 20 years ago on July 12, 1997. That’s the date that Tom Fontana’s sprawling prison drama, Oz, premiered on HBO, setting a channel best known for replaying movies and the occasional cult comedy series like The Larry Sanders Show on a course to becoming a dramatic powerhouse that lived up to its famous tagline: “It’s Not TV. It’s HBO.”

And Oz was the kind of bold, provocative experiment that only could have aired on a restrictions-free cable network looking to shake up its image. Set in Emerald City, an experimental incarceration unit inside the fictional Oswald State Correctional Facility, the show offered an addictive fusion of gritty prison drama, dark comedy, graphic violence, and even a touch of soap opera romance. Oz‘s serialized storytelling and ensemble cast — J.K. Simmons, Eamonn Walker and Dean Winters were just some of the future stars who passed through Emerald City’s glass cells — attracted the attention of critics, as well as those within the industry. Two years after Oz premiered, HBO debuted a new show from David Chase called The Sopranos, and the rest is Peak TV history.

To commemorate the prison drama’s milestone anniversary, Yahoo TV talked with 13 key players in Oz‘s groundbreaking premiere and eight-episode first season. (Sorry, Keller and Beecher ‘shippers, that means no Chris Meloni, who joined in Season 2.) Read on to discover which famous hip-hop star played the role of narrator Augustus Hill before Harold Perrineau, how Simon Adebisi acquired his name (and famous hat) and the unsung heroine behind both Oz and the premium cable boom.

The Participants (In Alphabetical Order) Kirk Acevedo (Miguel Alvarez) Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje (Simon Adebisi) Chris Albrecht (CEO of Starz; Former CEO of HBO) Jean de Segonzac (Director of Photography; Director) Tom Fontana (Creator/Showrunner) Ernie Hudson (Warden Leo Glynn) Terry Kinney (Tim McManus) Darnell Martin (Director) Tim McAdams (Johnny Post) Jon Seda (Dino Ortolani) Lee Tergesen (Tobias Beecher) Dean Winters (Ryan O’Reily) Luna Lauren Velez (Gloria Nathan)

‘Oz’ creator Tom Fontana (Photo: Getty Images)

Chapter One: The Wonderful Wizards of Oz Tom Fontana never set out to be a premium cable pioneer. The Buffalo-born writer was a creature of network television, getting his start as a writer and producer on the beloved NBC medical drama St. Elsewhere, before collaborating with Barry Levinson and Paul Attanasio on NBC’s acclaimed police series Homicide: Life on the Street. It was during the making of Homicide that Fontana found himself contemplating what happens to criminals after they entered the penal system. That germ of an idea eventually grew into Oz, which he developed in collaboration with Levinson. As Fontana quickly discovered, his show never stood a chance at making it onto a broadcast network.

Tom Fontana: I grew up watching cop shows where at end of the episode the bad guy traditionally got arrested and went to prison while the cops sat around in the last scene and did a funny little joke. Then we all went to bed feeling [satisfied]. While I was doing Homicide — where the bad guy didn’t always get arrested — I thought, “Maybe the more interesting story is what happens to these people when they go to prison.” In David Simon’s non-fiction book [that inspired Homicide] there’s a section about a prison riot in Baltimore, and I decided to expand on it for an episode, [Season 5’s “Prison Riot”] and bring back some of the murderers we had seen in previous seasons. That was my first swing at seeing what writing a prison show might be like.

While developing Oz, I spent about two years going to prisons all over the country, and I saw that there were two kinds — these old Gothic horror chambers, and new, experimental prisons. But there was never a place where the two were together, and it was important to me that you had the old and the new butting up against each other. When I talked to prisoners who were in places like Emerald City, they were very clear that it was worse for them because they had no privacy. I found that very moving, and so that’s where Emerald City came from, and the idea of glass so that everybody could see everybody else at any given moment.

Back then there were only four networks, and none of them were the least bit interested in my version of a prison show. I sort of pathetically adapted it as I got each rejection. I can’t remember which network I pitched which version to, but one of them was set in a juvenile detention center, and another was a Club Fed, where it was rich white collar guys who been sent up the river. Once I really started to examine what I wanted to do, I went back to the idea of that Homicide episode, which was a down-and-dirty prison with all sorts of crazy characters.

I was lucky that Chris Albrecht at HBO was looking to start doing original material. At that time, HBO had a comedy side — they had Dream On and a few other comedy shows — but they hadn’t really had a drama side yet. Chris had the vision to say, “We need to expand the reach of our network.” He told me that the [network] had had success with prison documentaries, so he had an instinct that a prison show might appeal to his subscribers. He said, “I’ll give you a little bit of money to shoot a presentation, about 15 to 20 minutes, and let’s see what it looks like.”

Chris Albrecht: The show had been in development for quite a while before we were really even contemplating doing a lot of original programming. There was a change in management, and we wanted to ramp up our originals. We hadn’t ever done an hour-long drama before. I went to Tom and said, “Look, we’ve put you and Barry [Levinson] through the ringer here. I’m not going to ask you to make any more changes, but we need to shoot something, so, here’s a million dollars. Shoot as much of this as you can.”

Fontana: I probably shouldn’t say this, but I will — it wasn’t enough money! We shot it in Baltimore while we were shooting Homicide, so we would book a location and I would say, “Okay, we’ll shoot the Homicide scene here, and then we’ll shoot the Oz scene.” So, in a way, NBC paid for it a little bit, if you know what I’m saying.

Darnell Martin: I had directed a feature, [1994’s I Like it Like That], but Homicide was my first television experience. They gave me the script for “Sniper: Part 2,” and it was written like a film, with helicopter shots and blockaded streets. I kept trying to figure out how to do that for the budget and time that we had. Maybe that was a seller for Tom. He asked me to direct the Oz presentation.

Fontana: The cast of [the presentation] was different. Jon Seda and Terry Kinney were in it, but the part that Lauren Velez [now Luna Lauren Velez] played, Dr. Gloria Nathan, was played by Jennifer Grey. The reason I later made the change was I really felt like the cast was [too] white, and I also liked the idea of a Latina woman in the midst of all these men. And there was a different guy playing Augustus Hill than Harold Perrineau.

Martin: I cast Mos Def as Augustus. He was amazing. Amazing. He was recast. It was crazy! I begged and I fought — not with Tom. It was above Tom; Tom couldn’t change it. Harold is wonderful, but you know, Mos Def had something really special.

Harold Perrineau as Augustus Hill ‘Oz.’ The role was played by Mos Def in the original presentation (Credit: HBO)

Terry Kinney: Tom had cast me in a Homicide episode, [Season 4’s “Map of the Heart”] and he said that he’d always wanted to make up for that, because it was an indecipherable episode. I played an NSA mapping guy, and to this day don’t know what it was about! I remember meeting Tom and Darnell for the Oz presentation, and they were talking about a character that was a die-hard liberal in a way that seemed extremely naïve. I basically played the warden, whose name was still McManus.

Jon Seda: I worked with Darnell on I Like It Like That, and she raised the bar for me. I told her that anything she ever does, I’m going to say yes to it. Sure enough, they said, “Hey, listen, there’s a script that’s called Oz. It’s a presentation. Darnell Martin’s directing.” I said, “Okay, I’ll do it.” I didn’t even know what the role was. What a lot of people don’t know is that at the same time that I was shooting that, I was also shooting the movie Selena. So when I met with Darnell, I said, “You’re going to have to help me, because I’ve been living as this sweet guy Chris Pérez for a couple months already, and now I have to play this ruthless Dino Ortolani.” I didn’t know how I could do it, but she said, “Just trust me. Put everything in my hands and it’s going to be great.”

Jon Seda in ‘Oz’ (Credit: HBO)

Tim McAdams: I had built a pretty strong relationship with Pat Moran, who was the local casting agent for Homicide. When they decided to do the presentation for Oz, I auditioned and got cast. Nobody knew what Oz was or really thought anything of it; I just knew it was a show I got hired for and I was a young actor trying to work. We shot this presentation, and Mos Def and Jennifer Grey were in it, so I was like, “Wow! We got some names in this thing, and maybe it’s gonna get some traction!” I was honored to work with Jennifer Grey; I remember how excited I was and how friendly she was. And growing up in that era, having a chance to spend time around Mos Def and watch him transition to becoming an actor was really exciting. Sometime later I got a phone call about the show being picked up by HBO, and they said, “They’re gonna be doing a lot of recasting, but they’re going to allow you to play Johnny Post.”

Fontana: That initial presentation was more tonal; it was a real attempt to say, “This is the kind of subject matter we’re going to cover, and these are the kinds of characters we’re going to see.” You have to remember, this was before we built the Emerald City set, so it was all hallways and rooms, but it wasn’t what the show eventually looked like. Though, if you watch the first episode of Oz, there are a couple scenes that are from the original presentation, like the shower scene where Seda gets the s**t beat out of him by the COs. And I think the hospital scenes are from the original presentation.

Ernie Hudson as Warden Leo Glynn and Terry Kinney as Tim McManus on ‘Oz.’ In the pilot presentation, Kinney played the warden. (Credit: HBO)

Kinney: Jon Seda and I were two of the survivors of that 15-minute presentation. I didn’t think that I was going to make it to the series. I remember that I was in Los Angeles doing something else, and I called Tom and he said, “You know what, you’re my guy. Let me work this out.” What I think they’d done is they wanted the warden to be African-American. They wanted Ernie [Hudson], and they had a relationship with him. So Tom made me the keeper of the Emerald City section of the prison. I was grateful [for] his loyalty.

Albrecht: At the end of the presentation, the lead guy, Dino, gets killed in his cell. I said to Tom, “He comes back next episode, right?” And they said, “No, he’s dead.” I go, “What do you mean, he’s dead? He’s the lead in the show!” They go, “That’s what’s happening here.” That’s when I realized that they were gonna change the rules.

Seda: What’s funny is that I remember that the death scene wasn’t supposed to carry over [to the pilot]. I was expected to come on and be a regular on the show. I think what happened was that HBO just really loved the idea of the lead guy actually dying. That kind of set off the trend on Oz.

Fontana: We got an eight-episode order. I was literally yelled at by friends of mine and peers of mine on the drama side of television. They said to me, “Why are you going to work over at HBO? It’s a movie channel. Nobody watches it.” And I said, “Well, who cares if nobody watches it? They’re going to let me make the show I want to make.” Literally people thought it would kill my career, that I made the wrong tactical move and that I should be doing Touched by an Angel! I’d like to tell you that I’m the visionary who had this incredible sense that cable would someday dominate the television world, but it wasn’t that. It was simply that there was an open door and I went through it.

Chapter Two: Populating Emerald City Having walked through that open door, Fontana’s next task was assembling his prison population. At the time, and still today, Oz stands as a model og diverse casting; it’s large ensemble encompasses a multitude of races, religions and sexual orientations. And shooting in New York, Fontana tapped into a deep reservoir of veteran actors and fresh faces.  

Fontana: Our feeling about the penal system in America is very cyclical; you go through periods of “[Prison] should be about redemption” and then “[Prison] should be about retribution.” At that time, it was about retribution and there was this sense that prisoners were bad people, and there were no heroes in those stories. The truth is, I wasn’t interested in writing heroes per se. And that was the great thing about Chris. I’ve often quoted him as saying, “I don’t care if the characters are likable as long as they’re interesting.” That was what I needed to hear because I wasn’t planning to make likable characters — I was planning to make interesting characters.

J.K. Simmons in ‘Oz’ (Credit: HBO)

Throughout the life of the series, we were able to get some wonderful, brilliant New York theater actors. We’d used J.K. Simmons in an episode of Homicide, so I gave him the part of Vern Schillinger because I knew he could do it. Dean Winters had done Homicide episodes, and was my favorite bartender before that, so I wrote Ryan O’Reilly specifically for him.

Dean Winters: Tom had come up with the idea of Ryan O’Reily by watching me bartend. When I was a bartender, I was a real hustler. My motto was, “If you leave my bar with cab fare, then I failed.” I would try and drain you of every dollar you had. I quit my bartending job and was in Los Angeles doing my first movie, Conspiracy Theory. It was a real leap of faith. Tom came out to visit, and we had a long talk. I told him, “You know, I really don’t think this acting thing is for me, it doesn’t feel right.” And he goes, “Listen: I was doing a little presentation for HBO about a prison, and I think it might turn out well for all of us.”

Dean Winters as Ryan O’Reily on ‘Oz.’ (Credit: HBO)

Ernie Hudson: The first time I heard of Oz was when I got a call from Tom. I did a six-episode arc on St. Elsewhere [in 1984], where Tom was a writer and producer. I got to know him a little bit on set, and when he called me about Oz he said, “Do you remember we talked about working together on a project?” I didn’t remember that conversation, but I pretended that I did. I based Leo loosely on Robert Matthews, the first black warden of Leavenworth prison in Kansas. I read a book where he talked about how father was a minister, and wanted him to go into the ministry. Later on, he said to his father, “This is my ministry.” I thought of it that way. He was a guy who finished college, but probably started at junior college, and went to night school. He’s worked his way up. He’s the guy who loaned money to the friend and never got paid back.

Luna Lauren Velez as Dr. Gloria Nathan on ‘Oz.’ (Credit: HBO)

Luna Lauren Velez: My first film was I Like It Like That, directed by Darnell Martin. She called me and said, “Do you want to do this show, Oz?” And I said, “Well, I’m doing this other show, [the Fox drama New York Undercover].” She said, “It might be a one off, I’m not even sure what’s going to happen with the character,” and then she said, “Jon Seda is doing it.” Jon and I had done I Like It Like That together, so I came onboard and they just kept asking me to come back. My understanding was that Jennifer Grey played Dr. Nathan in the [presentation]; everyone had glowing things to say about her, but said, “We decided to go a different direction.”

Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje: I went in and read for the casting director [Alexa L. Fogel]; there were only two lines and I read them in a British accent, an American accent, an African accent and a Jamaican accent just to show what I could do with it. She told me to wait, auditioned a few other people and then closed up shop and took me over to Tom’s office. He was in the middle of writing, and she told me, “Okay, he’s going to give you two minutes.” He didn’t even look up; I performed the lines in those various accents, and he said, “All right, stop. That’s enough.” That was it! He didn’t say I got the part — he didn’t say anything.

Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje in ‘Oz’ (Credit: HBO)

Alexa called me the next day and said, “Tom liked the African character, the Nigerian one. He doesn’t have one of those in the show, and he’d like you to play that.” I was a little bummed, because I wanted to play an American. Then she said, “What he wants to do is he’s going to write it as an American and he wants you to be able to translate it into the African character,” which was freaking great. When I met Tom again, he told me that he had a Nigerian friend he went to college with whose name was Bisi. So he said he would use part of my name and part of his friend’s name: that’s how Adebisi was born.

Fontana: Eamonn Walker was someone I didn’t know until he came into audition, but he was so incredible that it was a foregone conclusion he’d be part of the cast. I was obsessed with getting that character of Kareem Said right. And Eamonn was equally obsessive about getting it right. Some of the extras in his Muslim Brotherhood prisoner group were actual Muslims, so he would go once a week to the mosque, and pray and experience the whole religious side of what it is to be an Imam.

Eamonn Walker as Kareem Said on ‘Oz’ (Credit: HBO)

Kirk Acevedo: Originally Tom wrote Miguel Alvarez for someone else, and then I came in and I got the gig. I remember the exact audition: there were five actors ahead of me, and the scene was an emotional scene where you had to go in and scream and yell about some s**t. Every actor who went in before me screamed and yelled, and I was like, “Well, I can’t scream and yell, because no matter how good I can do it you’re gonna get tired of seeing the same fucking thing.” So I played it just the total opposite, and I stood out and got the gig.

Lee Tergesen: I had been doing a show for USA called Weird Science, which had just finished up, and I was working on Homicide for a couple of episodes. I was down in Baltimore and Tom said, “When you’re done, can you come up to New York? I want to talk to you about something that I have in the works.” So I went up and he and I started talking about something that ended up being Oz. We talked about a couple of different ideas he had for parts, one being a guard and the other one being this guy who ends up being in jail as sort of a fish out of water. I was like, “That sounds more interesting than a guard.”

Fontana: Initially HBO didn’t want me to cast Lee as Beecher. I was like, “Well, what’s wrong with him?” And they go, “Oh no, he’s a brilliant actor. It’s just not who we had in our head.” I said, “Well, he’s who I had in my head, because I wrote the part for him. So you’re stuck with him.” And then, of course, they were [ultimately] thrilled with him. But at first they were a little nervous, because he didn’t look like who they thought Beecher should look like. I never understood what that meant.

Albrecht: I do remember talking about that, because Lee was such a prominent character in the beginning. We were kind of new to it all. I had worked pretty closely with Garry Shandling on The Larry Sanders Show and Marta Kaufman and David Crane on Dream On, but this was really the first time that we had this size of a show, and this kind of serialized drama. So I think we were just babbling at Tom and Barry, who obviously had a lot more television experience than we did.

Lee Tergesen as Tobias Beecher on ‘OZ.’ (Credit: HBO)

Tergesen: In retrospect, I know that happened, but Tom didn’t make me aware of it at all in the beginning. But yeah, my understanding now is they [thought]: “This character is so important, and this guy has just being doing Weird Science.” And Tom was like, “Well, don’t worry — you’ll see, you’ll see.” I wonder what they think now!

Fontana: I had met Rita Moreno at a party at Elaine’s that was marking the end of The Cosby Mysteries, which she had been a regular on. I went up to her and said, “It’s such an honor to meet you — I’m such a big fan of your work.” And she went, “Well, if you’re such a big f***ing fan of my work, why didn’t you f***ing write me a part?” I went, “Okay, I will!” So years later, I took her and her husband to dinner and was talking about Oz. She goes, “It all sounds fantastic. What would I play?” And I went: “You would play the nun.” Well, she laughed for about a half hour and then said, “Tom, I’ve played hookers, I’ve played bandits, but no one’s ever had the balls to ask me to be a nun.” I also talked to her about my sister, who is from a very liberal order of nuns. In the summers, she would run the hospitality house at a prison near Buffalo. I always thought it was so incredibly ironic that my sweet sister was scheduling conjugal visits for prisoners. I told Rita all that, and she said, “Okay, just as long as I’m not going to be in one of those habits.”

Martin: Tom was fabulous in the way that I could say, “Tom, check this guy out. Is there a place for him?” And he’d say, “Yes, I’m going to write him into it.” There were some people that were just out there in the world, and not necessarily actors yet. He was really open to bringing people in, looking at them and trying to find the place for people who had this very specific New York vibe. With a network, you try to get someone hired and it takes so long. With HBO, it was fabulous: if Tom and I liked an actor, we would go to the one person over there and it turned around real quick.

Rita Moreno as Sister Peter Marie Reimondo on ‘OZ.’ (Credit: HBO)

Fontana: I was very clear in the auditions, and when people signed the contract that they might be asked to be nude, and that there would be violence. I didn’t want people who were going to be skittish.

Akinnuoye-Agbaje: Tom made it clear that this was going to be groundbreaking, and that he was really targeting authenticity, so that meant that it required certain actors and certain characters to go in places that may be uncomfortable personally. There were rape scenes and all kinds of complications that weren’t going to be comfortable. He made it clear that if you don’t want to do that, then you’re not the actor for the part.

Acevedo: No, he never warned us! I think there was a nudity waiver because there might be nudity. But every week it was like, “Alright, Kirk, today you’re gonna eat s**t out of the toilet.” Every week we were just like, “Dude, as long as I don’t get raped, I’m alright.” It wasn’t a scary thing, it was kind of titillating. It wasn’t like we were all nervous about it, because we would do it. It was more of like, “What’s he gonna have us do?” I don’t ever remember him warning me, but then I’m pretty sure there were people he didn’t have to warn because we were all game to do it.

Kirk Acevedo as Miguel Alvarez on ‘Oz’ (Credit: HBO)

Winters: I was there from the inception of the show, and I told Tom, “Look, I’ll do anything you want.” And I did. The smart actors knew that we were doing a show about a prison, not a show about a prep school, and it’s cable television. If you had half a brain you knew that this was not going to be everyone’s cup of tea, and it was not going to be a walk through the daisies. So that’s the way that I approached it, and obviously there were people who had a hard time with it. Some guys didn’t want to do this, some guys didn’t want to do that, but that’s the nature of the beast, I guess.

Kinney: I remember in the first episode that Edie Falco [who played a correctional officer] and I were supposed to have a love scene during an execution. As someone was being electrocuted, we were supposed to be having sex in a cell. As much as everybody took their clothes off on the show, both Edie and I felt it wasn’t the right choice, and asked if we could do it in a way that was less graphic. From that point on, that’s how my character was treated. I wasn’t one of the people who had to do [anything graphic].

Edie Falco as Officer Diane Wittlesey on ‘Oz.’ She later was cast on ‘The Sopranos’ but made occasional appearances on ‘Oz.’ (Credit: HBO)

Fontana: I have to say, over the course of the series, there was only really one actor who lied to me and said he would do whatever I asked him, and then when it came time he said, “No, I’m not going to do it.” But he wasn’t a regular and I was able to kill him off fairly quick. Let them guess who that was!

Chapter 3: Getting Into ‘The Routine’ Some TV shows take a little while to find themselves, but Oz‘s series premiere lays down the law about what viewers could expect from their time inside Emerald City. Written by Tom Fontana and directed by Darnell Martin, “The Routine,” swiftly establishes all the elements Oz would become infamous for, including densely-intertwined narratives, a parade of compelling characters, shocking acts of violence and a pervasive sense that nobody is safe within Oswald’s walls. Especially not the person you think is the main character…

Fontana: In terms of the writing of the first episode, Augustus was the first voice I heard in my head. In terms of the design of the show, Beecher was the first character that I came up with, and then McManus. One is there as a prisoner, and one is there as a warden. It just seemed like, for the audience, Beecher’s our Dante coming into the Inferno. He’s the one who’s guiding us into this world where we’re going to be exposed to these different cycles of violence.

Jean de Segonzac: The very first scene we did was in McManus’ office where he tries to put the glass on top of the cockroach. That was the very first shot on the very first day.

Kinney: I hated that scene. It was a trained cockroach; there was a cockroach handler, and back-up cockroaches. That’s a delicate area for me, cockroaches. We did endless angles on it, because Darnell did a lot of angles.

Winters: I knew no one on my first day besides Lee Tergesen. So it was like the first day of school at a juvenile delinquent reformatory. Everyone’s kind of looking around going, “Oh yeah, so you’re Alvarez, alright. I got to keep my eye on you.” Or “You’re Adebisi, alright, you’re big and scary, okay.” Or “You’re playing Said; okay, you’re kind of cool, but what’s up with the English accent?” In the first couple of days, it was just like, “What the fuck have I gotten myself in to here?” But in a good way, obviously.

Tergesen: Nobody really talked to me in the beginning. In the first four or five episodes, the extras would not talk to me. But once Beecher went crazy and attacked Schillinger [Episode 7, “Plan B”], all of a sudden everybody was like, “Hey Beecher, Beecher, Beecher, oh hey Beech!” It was so weird. It was like high school.

Fontana: This is a little piece of backstage history: we shot the pilot and the first season in Manhattan at what is now Chelsea Market, and what used to be the old Oreo cookie factory. The cafeteria had really high ceilings because the stoves had to go up to those windows to let out the smoke from baking the Oreos. We always had to cut if somebody left the cafeteria, because there was no way they could walk to the next set. It was all a bunch of different rooms.

McAdams: I’ll never forget the first time I arrived on set. You’d get off the elevator, and it would be like a normal office with people going about their duties. Then you’d turn the corner, walk down a little bit and you’re in prison.

Akinnuoye-Agbaje: We were about five floors up; the first four floors were offices, and then when you got to the fifth floor, it was literally Emerald City. At any given time, there were 300 or 400 extras in there. The cells were real cells, with the right size and proximity. It was hot, sticky and you felt claustrophobic, like you were in prison. In between takes, there were waiting room areas where we could go, but I chose to stay my cell for the whole time.

Seda: It was scary when the reality hit you that this is the life for so many; at least we were actors and able to walk away at the end of the day. All the details were incredible, and it just really added to making it just so authentic. The set itself was probably the biggest character of the show.

Hudson: It was like being transported to another world. I’d walk to work from the Upper West Side down to where we were shooting, and the contrast of being on the streets of New York and then going in and being on the set of Oz was cool.

Winters: People used to ask: “How did you prepare for the role?” It was very easy. You just got off the elevator, and walked down to the set. It was a f***ing prison! With the glass cells, you realized that everyone was being watched all day long. It was very unnerving. I remember Vincent Gallo came by the set one day, and he was looking around and goes, “Man, this set’s the f***ing cream.” Meaning, they really nailed that set. And my brother [Scott William Winters, who joined the cast in Season 2 as O’Reily’s brother, Cyril] actually spent the weekend on the set by himself, just to get that feeling of incarceration.

Adebisi and Beecher get to know each other in ‘The Routine’ (Credit: HBO)

Akinnuoye-Agbaje: For my scene with Beecher in the first episode, Lee and I were meeting for the first time as actors. It was kind of organic because his character was entering the prison, and it was a new world for him, whereas I’m a lifer. The thing for me was to establish that I own him. I own his life, I own his physical body; he was going to be my bitch and do exactly what I told him to do. I had the luxury of sleeping in my cell, and I would not wash. I became one with my own odor to stake my territory [despite] the complaints of the DP and the crew. Quite often they said, “Perhaps you should shower.” But I told them I was going to stake my claim. Whatever feeling I would evoke in the crew was exactly the feelings that were intended when the actors would come in my cell: repulsion, fear and disgust. It was lovely!

Tergesen: I don’t remember that! I do remember Adewale being ridiculous. He was so f***ing good in that part. I used to say that being in that cell with Adebisi was like being on a date from hell that lasted a month. I mean, he literally grabbed my penis more than women I had dated for a month.

Akinnuoye-Agbaje: I had two scenes in the first episode, and was meant to die in the second episode. But Tom liked what he saw [in the premiere], and kept liking what he saw. I’ve lived a life that gave me an insight as to what it was like to be in a gang in my teenage years, so I just brought that rawness to it. I wore my hat in the way that I used to wear when I was a teenager on the street myself. I knew that the tilt of the hat represented defiance. The costume and production were very much against me wearing the hat initially, because they wanted everybody in prison to be uniformed. I had to respect that, but I just knew that I needed to put my stamp on the character. That scene with Beecher was the first scene I shot, and when they said “Action,” I pulled the hat out of my pocket and put it on. When we wrapped and moved onto my next scene, the director said, “Wait a minute — he had the hat on. Now we have to keep it.”

Tergesen: I was so happy to get out of [Adebisi’s cell], but then I go to Schillinger’s cell. We didn’t rehearse at all on that show, so J.K. and I just met when we started shooting. The funny thing about him is when we’re playing those initial scenes, it’s like he’s the nicest guy on the planet. You know, he’s always smiling. It’s like, “I can trust this guy!” And then it just devolves. The branding thing ends up looking like I’m getting f***ed in the ass, which I didn’t realize was going to happen. Not that I minded, but when he was burning my ass it was causing me to like buck like I was getting f***ed. That was my ass, bro! No stunt ass.

De Segonzac: One image I have, which I can’t get out of my head, is Tergesen’s ass two inches from my face while Simmons is branding him. I’m just going, “This is the weirdest way of making a living that I can ever think of.”

Fontana: When it came to shooting the first episode, moments like the swastika on the ass were defining moments for the show. And the moment when Dino is naked and getting beat up in the shower was, at the time, as brutal, a scene I’d ever seen on television. Those are, to me the moments that said to people this isn’t your father’s [TV show].

Seda: The shower scene was wild. It showed how quick things can happen in prison. Dino wasn’t afraid of anyone, and I was so into being that guy that I carried that with me. I literally walked onto set butt-naked. I walked right up, and stood there talking to Darnell as if I had clothes on. I said, “Okay, let’s go. Let’s shoot this scene. What do you want me to do? You want me to do this? Want me to be here? Want me to do this? Okay. Great, let’s do it.”

Velez: The storyline with Dino and Emilio [a prisoner dying of AIDS] really resonated with me because I have friends and a family member who are HIV positive. I also loved working with Jon. There’s one scene where I could barely keep a straight face because we had done that movie together, so there was something delicious about watching him play this wise-ass character. It’s really one of the few times in the pilot that you see Gloria engaging with one of the inmates in a fun, slightly flirtatious way.

Seda: Jose Soto did such a fabulous job as Emilio. What I love about that scene was how well it was written. It wasn’t that Dino just didn’t like Emilio because he had AIDS; Dino actually found compassion for him. The fact that he honored his request to take him out was done from compassion. That was a way for Dino to be in touch with his heart. It was just brilliant.

Fontana: When I talked with Chris Albrecht, he said, “What’s the one thing you’re absolutely not allowed to do on a broadcast television?” And I said, “Kill the lead in the pilot.” And he said, “Well, then go ahead and do it.” So I hired Jon and told him this is what’s going to happen. He was cool with it, and then I hired him on Homicide, to sort of compensate for the fact that he was killed off.

Seda: For Dino, there’s a point where what was keeping him afloat was the fact that he still has his family out there. There’s a scene where his wife comes to visit him and the kids are there playing and that’s when he makes the decision that it’s never going to happen. The reality of the fact that he’s here for life really hits him. Darnell and I added a moment where Dino taps the glass, kind of like he’s touching her for the last time as a family. I don’t know if a lot of people realize or catch it, but that tap on the glass to her is basically saying that’s the last time she’s ever going to see him. From that point on, it’s just a matter of time for Dino.

Winters: I remember reading the script and going, “Oh, Dino’s a badass!” And by the way, Tom named the character after me, because my nickname is Dino. Then all of a sudden he’s dead, and I’m the one who has him lit on fire. My first thought was, “I feel pretty f***ing good, because I’m not the one dying!” But I was also blown away that this was what Tom was going to do.

McAdams: To say I was excited [to kill Dino] would be an understatement. At that point, I didn’t realize that I would be the first inmate to kill somebody on Oz. That didn’t connect until way later, what I realized the show had a reputation for killing people off. The idea that I was going to be killing someone was just a thrill, and I knew that it was going to be memorable. The fact that they were killing Jon off in the first episode told me how edgy the show was going to be. No one’s safe, and episode to episode, you don’t know what’s going to happen, who’s going to die, and how it’s going to happen. You just don’t know. You have to tune in and watch.

Seda: Talk about going out in a blaze of glory, right? That’s what he did. It was pretty wild how it was shot. I remember seeing the dummy that they had made up in the makeup trailer, and I said, “Oh my gosh, that dummy looks just like me!” When we were shooting it, I remember just looking up and telling Tim, “Hey, hey, hey, don’t actually light it.” A couple times, he kept forgetting and actually lit it. I’m like, “Wait! You’re going to drop this on my face, dummy!”

McAdams: Dropping that match under the camera and watching those flames come up was the most exciting and invigorating feeling. To this day when I see it, I still get excited. Because that wasn’t CGI, it was a glass plate. Also, being given the creative autonomy again to just go in there and have fun with it. Johnny Post wasn’t wired right, so just dropping the match would’ve been one thing. But dropping the match like, “Boom, you’re gone,” was so fun as an actor, because we were so deep in the character at that point.

Fontana: I wanted to do a show in which the audience never relaxed, because I these men who are in prison don’t get a chance to relax. So if I’m really going to try to convey what they’re going through, then the audience should never be able to kick back.

Winters: I’ve never seen this before or since: the scripts would come out, and people would take one and rush to their dressing room, a corner of the set or go in a jail cell, and read the script and see if they’re still alive at the end. It was nerve-wracking.

Seda: I don’t remember any [farewell] party. I think it was just, “All right, you’re dead. Goodbye.” But Fontana came to me and said, “Don’t worry. I’m going to bring you on Homicide.” So that worked out great! [Seda played Detective Paul Falsone on the final two seasons of Homicide.]

‘OZ’ director Darnell Martin (Photo: Getty Images)

Chapter 4: The Future was Female When the histories of cable’s rise have been written, they tend to dwell on the accomplishments of male showrunners like David Chase, Alan Ball and Shawn Ryan. While Tom Fontana is certainly part of that group, both he and Oz‘s cast are quick to note that one of the show’s key creative architects was a woman. As the director of the original pilot presentation, and then the series premiere, Darnell Martin established the innovative visual language that distinguished OZ from anything else on TV at that point. Having gotten her start as an independent filmmaker before landing television gigs, she sought to infuse the series with some of the same spontaneity and energy that defined that era of indie movies. Martin continues to alternate the occasional feature film, like 2008’s Cadillac Records, with a diverse slate of TV credits that includes such series as Grey’s Anatomy, Grimm and Blindspot. If Tom Fontana is among the founding fathers of the premium cable boom, than Darnell Martin is its founding mother.

Fontana: I’m not a director. I never aspired to be a director, and I have no real interest in it. So I rely very heavily on directors to create a visual style that goes with the storytelling, and I trust directors that I hire to bring their best game to the playing field. Darnell was there from the beginning. She and I had worked on Homicide together, and I thought, “Oh, she’s really got some stuff going on here.” I suppose back then the idea of a woman directing a male prison show didn’t make sense to some people, but it made sense to me because of Darnell.

Martin: The funny thing is, I didn’t want to do it at first! I had brought another project to Tom, and we brought it to ABC and ABC ended up not making it. I really didn’t want to do this show. Not because I didn’t like it, it was just because I had a thing about people in jail. I grew up in a very rough place, and I know a lot of people that really needed to go to prison because the neighborhood was a lot safer with them not there. I had my own very real and personal reasons not to want to glorify that. Then I said, “Let me go visit some [prisoners].” So I visited prisons, and said, “You know what? People in jail are human beings, and there but the grace of God go I.” I didn’t want to do it if they were going to be other than me. [But when I] saw people in prison and how they were living, that helped me emotionally get around dealing with the show and made me want to do it.

Albrecht: Darnell was such a critical part of setting the tone and the style; she worked with Tom on the production design and how to shoot this. I think we all set out to do something different visually. Drama has been a staple of network television obviously, and the fact that we [at HBO] were now entering that arena, the one thing that everybody felt was we really needed to differentiate ourselves. I don’t think if any of us on the HBO side had any idea that Tom and Darnell were gonna take that so literally, and just make something that startlingly different.

Winters: Darnell Martin is no joke. She came in with a vision, and her vision just happened to match Tom’s. I think she’s kind of left out of the conversation a lot of times when it comes to Oz, and she should really be part of the conversation, because she came in there as a woman, in a hyper-male environment and she laid down the law in this jail. She really did; and people took notice.

De Segonzac: She’s someone with a real vision. Tom was always telling me, “Just do your thing.” And I, of course, was trying to do Darnell’s thing. The [visual] theme was us being in these tight quarters, just participating. Basically, we just did whatever we felt like within the moment. As you’ll see, some scenes are all on a dolly and laid out, and others are completely handheld. For one shot, I remember being on a foot dolly, and going around the edge, while Jon Seda is trying to force feed a guy who’s dying of AIDS.

Jose Soto as Emilio and Seda as Dino (Credit: HBO)

Martin: There’s an idea in television that I don’t think makes the best television, and that is you have a plan before you get there. If you’re new at doing this, that’s probably helpful. The bad thing about it is that you can have a plan, and then all of a sudden the light is over here so you have to deal with shadows or maybe an actor has to go to the hospital. There’s always some kind of issue in this business. What you need to do, and what I like to do, is go to a place, sit in that place and come up with all the ways I could shoot it. I think shot lists are so reductive, because you can go through every scene [ahead of time], but in reality, you didn’t even work with the actor. You have an idea of blocking, but it’s only you know that knows exactly how you’re going to block it, and then you’re going to make that actor a puppet. That’s a big problem. These actors were very passionate about their characters, and had very strong ideas about their characters, and they all had their homework done when they came in. They were all willing to rehearse and find it and they were generous to one another.

De Segonzac: We had to go fast, fast, fast because there was so much to do. I remember that the dolly guys would just be sitting on the dolly [between takes], and I was like, “What the f**k are you doing? There’s not sitting around here.” At 7 a.m. all the cameras were built, the sound cart was ready and the actors were on set in costume. There was one time where we were running out of time, and Tom happened to be visiting the set. Normally, he wouldn’t be there, but he showed up and he was angry that we were going to go late. So I’m saying [to Darnell], “We’ve got to go fast, so if I do this and this, will you be happy?” And she was angry at me. Tom pulled me by the arm and said, “Why are you talking to her? Just do your thing. Just do whatever you always do.” 15 minutes later the scene was done.

Kinney: Sometimes somebody would be late, and that was a bad thing, because we had to start at 7am and finish at 7pm. If somebody showed up for the first scene late, then that person had sole responsibility for killing our day. We all understood that. For the most part, there was never a hitch in any of it. Darnell had a very specific shooting style; it was a lot of pushing in. The camera was its own character. It was cool to be a part of, but at the same time, you had to hit marks a lot in terms of your acting with that style. You had to turn at exactly the moment the camera arrived. She did a lot of things as one-offs, and that saves some time, but it also makes for very complicated shots. We used to get into little dust-ups about it, but it wasn’t anything that was bad. I would just say, “I’m trying.”

One of Martin’s signature push-ins (GIF: HBO)

Tergesen: She was a very strong personality, but I got along with her pretty well. Every once in awhile there would be something camera-wise [that was tough]. I remember I had a scene with Terry Kinney, and I thought, “Why would I stand right here in a place where he can look at me?” And she’s not letting up or even letting me have an idea about what I wanted to do. She’s rolling the crane across the big main room, and I’m like, “Is this about a crane shot?” She said, “No,” and of course it was about a crane shot. It was a cool shot! Sometimes you have to give up to the people who know what they’re doing.

Hudson: I like Darnell. I did not like the fact that she really liked Eamonn Walker more than me. That really annoyed the hell out of me. She kept praising him, and didn’t have a damn thing to say to me. Since then I’ve gotten to know her. In fact I did a series called APB for Fox, and she directed one of the episodes. I really like her a lot.

Velez: I can put any episode on, and say, “Darnell shot this.” She’s got a great eye; it’s the specific way that she’ll shoot something. Or those unexpected, beautiful tracking shots that Darnell does. It’s almost like a dance with her, and theatrical as well, because it has to be seamless.

Akinnuoye-Agbaje: Darnell would do these sweeping moving shots where she would literally introduce about 10 characters at the same time. There was a lot of movement, and you just had to do all your dialogue on the move, and interacting with other characters. It was very fluid style, which was tricky because as an actor you just have to be very ready, and very much engaged in your character so that you don’t miss a beat. You had to be in rhythm with the flow of the camera, because it moved a lot with Darnell. It was alive, and I think that’s what it was meant to capture.

De Segonzac: We shot everything on 16mm; there was never any question of going 35mm. Back then, the 35mm cameras were immensely huge, and very heavy. For the spaces we were crunching ourselves into, it never would have worked. We were just constantly doing stuff you could never do with a big camera or a huge dolly. At one point, I got enamored with the Dutch tilt [a canted camera angle], so I’d start my shot at a Dutch and then move back and straighten it out, or maybe even Dutch it the other way. I wanted to have fun. After a week of doing that, somebody tapped me on the shoulder and gave me a phone message from Tom, and it said, “Enough of the f***ing Dutch tilt.”

An ‘Oz’ Dutch tilt (Credit: HBO)

Fontana: The cube that Augusts is in was her idea. I kept saying to her, “We’ve got to find some place where he’s isolated, but I don’t want him to be in front of black curtains or something.” She was at some museum, and there was some kind of cube there. She told me, “You’ve got to see it, because that’s what I think we should use for Augustus.” Every director after her hated that cube! But I insisted that they had to use it in some way, shape or form because it was so expensive to build that I wanted to amortize it over the course of the series.

Martin: I was at the Whitney Biennial, and I saw this box in a room that was tilted on its side. I wanted to utilize something like that, and I brought that to the production designer [Gary Weist] who was phenomenal. From there, we started to riff; we riffed about 2001: A Space Odyssey, the way they’re kind of under this glass. We started talking the tricks we could do with the box and really show this idea of isolation, and no longer having any privacy. You can’t even go to the bathroom without the world videotaping you and watching you.

De Segonzac: I saw the same show at the Biennial. The box just looked like a silver box with windows; some kind of construction art. I was not impressed by this thing at all, and it didn’t occur to me to think twice about it. But she came while we were building the set, and she was talking all about this box that she saw. Perrineau’s character was supposed to be in a wheelchair, so he had to be able to get into so that his wheelchair would be latched down and the whole box would turn and move. We built a box that had a crank and a motor on it, and we could put Harold in there, strap him down, and send him upside down.

Seda: I got a chance to be in the box in one of the episodes where Dino comes back as a ghost. [Season 6, “A Day in the Death”] It was pretty wild. Harold had so much dialogue, and [I loved] the way he made it flow in that setting. I’m sure Harold would say he loved it because it made him become one with the character. That cube just became his M.O.

Tergesen: The crank made so much noise that you couldn’t shoot sound with it. So Harold had a lot of looping to do. I did a few things in the box, and, of course, J.K. and I did that Barry Manilow song, “The Last Duet.” [Season 5, “Variety.”] That was a song I was gonna do in the 10th grade with my girlfriend, but we never did it. As soon as I thought of it [for the episode], I knew Tom was going to love it. And then two years ago, I was sitting next to one of the guys who wrote the lyrics for that song. He said, “You used one of my songs in your show.” And I was like, “No s**t. I picked it!”

Kinney: I really liked the cube. In the two episodes I directed, [Season 3, “Cruel and Unusual Punishments” and Season 4, “Wheel of Fortune”], I did some very fun stuff with it. In my first episode, I remember making Harold be in smaller and smaller boxes, until he was inside a little dark thing. I didn’t find it an entirely successful exercise; I would have needed production values that we just didn’t have at the time. For the second one, I made the cube a big lottery thing. We spun it around with all the balls inside. I strapped myself in and tested it out before I put Harold in there to see if he was going to be able to talk and hang upside down a lot. He was amazing, that guy. He’s an acting machine. Every time he gets to the cube, he’s not only super-prepared with those monologues, but ready to take on any challenge to get it done.

Fontana: Where I get nervous is when a director creates a visual style that isn’t telling the story, because then I think they’re just showing off. But if you have a director who stages a shot like that great shot that Darnell does in the first episode where we see Emerald City for the first time, and the camera moves wide? That to me is excellent visual storytelling.

Martin: What’s great about Tom is that he understands filmmakers; he’s not trying to prove anything, and he’s really open to being collaborative. The problem now is that that we’ve dumbed down the idea of directing episodic TV. On a lot of these shows, anybody can walk in and do it. Directors like working for Tom, because Tom doesn’t consider them idiots. He created these wonderful stories, he had a great vision, and then he put it in the hands of other artists who gently put it through themselves and added new colors to it. I think he set a tone because he was not a dictator or micromanager. No one knows I directed the premiere. It started with a female director, and that was only possible because it was a forward-thinking man who thought that was important.

Chapter 5: Life in the Big House As Oz’s first season unfolded, the cast and crew became comfortable inside this prison of their own making. Largely left to their own devices by HBO, a familial atmosphere flourished on set that was nourished and encouraged by Warden Fontana. As with all families, tensions occasionally arose, but nothing like the prison riot that closes out the first season.

Fontana: What was important for me, and what I always worked very hard to do, was take a character who was despicable and turn him into a sympathetic person. And then, just when the audience was rooting for that person, have them do something despicable again. So if you watch the series over all the seasons, you’ll see character like O’Reily who do the worst possible thing and then have this incredible moment of vulnerability. And then as a reaction to that, he does something worse! The other thing I promised to myself was that every character in Emerald City belonged there. I didn’t want to do the wrongfully convicted story. Not that that isn’t valuable; it’s just that I met so many men in prison who told me they were innocent that it felt like almost like a joke. It would also feel more mainstream to suddenly have a character in there that was innocent.

Kinney: In the first episode, Darnell saw McManus as one of those misguided, but well-intentioned educated white guys. He thinks everybody can be rehabilitated, and put back out onto the streets. But the prison system itself teaches you otherwise. Given that conundrum, this character was an anomaly in the prison. In the first episode, I was campaigning with Tom to change that. I said, “We’ve seen that guy, and he’s going to wear out. You’re going to lose interest. Let me change. Let the prison system seep into me. Let me become more and more one with it.” Slowly but surely, Tom agreed to start shaving my head a little more, to grow the beard, and to start to look a little more like a prisoner.

Hudson as Leo Glynn in ‘Oz’ (Credit: HBO)

Hudson: I thought Leo was as balanced a guy as you can get under those circumstances, but I’ve heard people say, “He was the worst. He was an awful guy.” I’m like “Really?” There was a website in the late ’90s where fans could give their comments, and I remember going online and some guy had said, “Leo seems to have a stick up his ass. That actually broke me of the habit. Even now, 20 years later, I don’t go online to find out what people think. The thing I take away from my character is — and I’m sure Tom would hate me saying it — but he was the dumbest warden! He was a well-intentioned warden, and he could be stern, but he never got to the bottom of anything. He had a murder a week and he never figured anything out. I’m like, “Can I just solve one of these frigging cases?”

De Segonzac: During the first season, there was only one accident, which I was the fault of. We were doing the riot scene in the Season 1 finale [which De Segonzac directed], and with 150 guys running around, you had to find someone each of them could do. Tergesen had the fire extinguisher and was spraying it all over the place. He was like, “Really?” and I said, “Yeah, it’ll be great, you’ll see.” There was this one young guy — who I think in real life was a violinist and he somehow got a part on the show — the guards beat him up, and they put the cuffs on him behind his back. The scene felt like it was about to lose energy, so he screams at the guards, “Get them off!” They grab him by the arms, but he’s handcuffed and that’s exactly the wrong thing to do. Now the guy is squealing, and I thought, “Wow, that’s pretty f***ing good.” But it turned out that the cuffs had cut him to the bone! I was very embarrassed.

Velez: I wasn’t in the riot episode at the end of Season 1, and that’s because Tom said, “I don’t want you to be in that episode.” Because the prisoners talked about Dr. Nathan a lot, and would be like, “Oh, Nathan’s hot.” He said, “I’m afraid it would have to get graphic. They’d wind up raping Gloria, and I don’t want that.” Which I thought was very interesting. In some ways, it would have been predictable; you would expect that to happen to the character. But then she could never go back there and I think there were all those considerations as well. We’d have to lose her, because there’s no way she would come back to work in this prison. No way at all. Tom had the wherewithal to think about the totality of the show, and being able to see it going beyond what we saw.

Velez in ‘The Routine’ (Credit: HBO)

Acevedo: At the end of every season, what Tom would do is sit down with you and say, “How’d you feel about your arc? Where do you feel that you could’ve gone or that you maybe want to go next season?” I’ve worked with everybody, and no showrunner has ever done what Tom Fontana has done. The whole storyline in the third season about Miguel being too white, and not Latino enough was something I brought up with Tom, because it was a big issue for me growing up in the South Bronx. He put all of that into the show.

McAdams: I just remember not wanting Johnny Post to go out like a punk. So I loved reading my death scene, and realizing they set him to go out in all his glory, cussing and fussing and telling people to kiss his ass. The fact that they decided they were going to chop his penis off and deliver it back as their message meant that I knew I’d spend the rest of my life being laughed at. My only request was that it was delivered in a big box, not a small box.

Velez: Tom was always really great about discussing where he thought something was going to go, and it was always in a very off-handed manner. At one point, we hung out and had steak and whiskey, and he said, “I’ve got something I’m thinking about, and tell me if it’s crazy. Would this woman ever fall in love with a prisoner?” And I said, “Absolutely.” He said, “I’ve spoken to other women and they said no.” I replied, “When you fall in love with somebody, sometimes you can’t help who that is. The more complicated the better. Please make that happen!” So she fell in love with Ryan O’Reily. I’ve never had a woman tell me that they didn’t buy it or that they thought it was inappropriate.

Fontana: Initially, we had a consultant who had been in prison, but he wanted to be a writer and he just would have preferred if I had just handed him the pen and said, “You can write everything.” So that was very short lived. All I can say is I that did two years of research, and I continued to read and talk to COs and ex-cons, so I kept having conversations about what was going on in prisons. The thing about prison is that no two prisons are the same, so I had a lot of room to make up s**t. But I also took my responsibility very seriously; I didn’t want anything to be salacious or sensationalistic just purely for that. Anything that happened had to come out of character. On the other hand, you also find out stuff that really happened, like a guy who worked in the prison cafeteria hated this other guy so he fed him broken glass. My attitude was if something was real, then it was fair game. Oddly enough, as the series went, I would get yelled at for something I didn’t make up, but people assumed that I had made it up.

Albrecht: We were certainly put back on our heels a few times [by the content], and I don’t remember if we ever actually asked Tom to change something or just voiced our concerns about things. We really were charting new territory here. We had no idea what was possible to do, and the content of Oz was certainly beyond any of the content of the movies that were on HBO.

Winters as O’Reily in ‘The Routine’ (Credit: HBO)

Winters: I’ll tell you one thing: I had two friends in prison during Oz, and they were like, “You motherf***ers got that s**t right.” Prison is a microcosm of our society, and a lot of bad s**t happens in our society every day. I’ve been on panels where I’ve heard this question from some white guy whose face is melting into his khaki pants, blue blazer and red tie: “Oh, is this really [accurate]?” It’s like, go f**k yourself. Have you ever been in prison? Have you ever even visited a prison? Because I’ve visited prison, and it is not a cute place. There is some horrific s**t that happens there. I don’t think Tom went deep enough. He could have gone so much darker, because the stories that we heard while we were making this show, would never even pass the HBO censors. So, you know, suck on that.

Akinnuoye-Agbaje: In terms of the sexuality and sensationalism, there were occasions where I felt it was not always necessary. But then there are occasions where it would go there because it was written from an authentic place. I think there’s a wonderful balance, and Tom was always open to that collaborative dance. We all trusted Tom. We didn’t necessarily like him, and I mean that in the best possible way. He’d done meticulous research so you knew it was not just some flippant, sensational kind of thing.

Martin: There’s a scene with Schillinger after he’s branded Beecher where he’s just talking to him. I said, “You know what I want you to do? I would like you to have your shoes off and your foot in his lap, and you’re making him give you a foot rub.” For some reason, that just seemed right. The branding had nothing to do with sex; it was about power. There’s such an intimacy to the foot rub, and J.K. just ate it up; he was tickling Lee with his toe. That scene explains to me, in a weird way, how I handled [the sexuality]. Sex, in general, is not an empty thing to me, and sex scenes are not about, “Lay on top of this person and bounce harder, and then it’s over.” It has to be about something. Beecher probably massaged his wife’s feet, you know what I mean? So that scene is about something other than power, because we just played that beat with Schillinger tattooing the swastika on his ass.

Kinney: When the romance between Beecher and Keller started [in Season 2], here were two straight guys that were being asked to engage in a graphic depiction of a gay prison couple. They were a little bit shy going into it; one of the things that happened was that everything was out in the open. Everything was shot in a wide open space, so there was no sense of, “Hey, this is a private set.” We would all stand at the monitors and watch this stuff. And they went for it. The whole dynamic in that building was “Go for it,” and that’s what those guys did. What was surprising was how it caught fire. That was one of the first things that became a really popular element of the show. There were a lot of viewing parties for those two.

Chris Meloni joined ‘Oz’ as Chris Keller in Season 2 (Credit: HBO)

Tergesen: I loved the part of the show. In my opinion, it was never about them being gay, it was just about them being in love. If you can find love in a place like that, you’re lucky. My first memory of Chris is that he came to set for a costume fitting, and he was wearing a Tool shirt. And I was like, “This guy seems like a tool.” I told him, “Listen man, let’s go have dinner.” So we went out to dinner, and I said, “You’ve seen the first season, so you know we’re trying to push the envelope. I know the tendency is for two guys who are not gay to try and skirt around it, but I have a feeling we’re going to be doing a lot of this and I think we should try and make it sexy.” Chris looked at me for 10 seconds and then said, “Wow.” But I feel like we did that; there were some amazing moments of tenderness [between them], and I love that it was just about the love. The funny thing is, just as an aside, he and I went to a Tool concert the other night!

Acevedo: We worked together twelve hours a day, and then we would go out four to five nights a week with each other. We were all in our twenties, and we saw each other at work and after work. We all hung out with each other in general, but there was a devious mentality with the inmates. Adewale would get these scenes where it would be like “Adebisi rapes this guy,” and we would be like, “What you going to do?” He would say, “I don’t know,” so we would give him [advice]. Like, “I think you should grab him by the hair or rip his pants.” That was the best part, because the material was so heavy and emotional. You can’t walk on set and be like that the whole day; you’d be so burnt out. It was easier to joke around during those moments.

Akinnuoye-Agbaje: There were several times when we had extras on the set where altercations would break out. They would! They were quickly broken up, but it was just the nature of the beast. When you’re being pushed to be as defensive as you can without actually being the actual prisoner, there were times when it would spill over. I know for myself, certainly with the guards or the warden, I wouldn’t mix with them. Because they were guards, you know what I mean? Many times there were blurred lines, and in the heated scenes you’d go overboard sometimes. That’s why you got such great chemistry and great work coming out of it.

Hudson: I knew Adewale [before Oz]. We shot the movie Congo in Costa Rica together and we became, I thought, really good friends. When I first got the show and found out he was going to be on it, I was like, “Great!” Then he became Adebisi and suddenly I go, “Who the hell is this guy?” He maintained that character for years. Towards the end, in the last couple of seasons, we went, “Okay, we can let our characters go. We do know each other.” There was about four years there where I don’t think I could even speak to him.

Velez: I remember the first time I met Adewale on set, he literally almost skipped towards me! He took my hand, and with the most incredible smile said, “I’ve been wanting to meet you.” I was like, “What?” We just walked hand-in-hand across the stage just gushing about each other, and this is this guy who plays Adebisi! Take your pick between him and Schillinger about which is more reprehensible. I had the same experience with J.K. when he was in the infirmary. At one point, he was sitting there and he had the most beautiful, glowing smile. It was interesting. Sometimes in the beginning I couldn’t put two and two together between the actors and the characters.

Kinney: I went out with Adewale all the time. People would recognize him immediately because of that little hat and everything else. He’s a beautiful man. We’d go to bars, and he was quite popular. I hung out with everybody, especially Tom and his posse — Lee and the Winters brothers.

Adebisi abiding in his cell in ‘The Routine’ (Credit: HBO)

Winters: At the end of the day, we were all just a bunch of kids, even the guards. Most of us were new to this. You would want to think that there was animosity on the set between the guards and the prisoners, and there might of been a little tension off set here and there. But the truth of the matter was that we were just a bunch of golden retriever puppies in a storm box going bananas. In between scenes and during down time, there were guys break dancing, having a push-up contests, working on their one-man shows and reading poetry. It was really like the Royal Fontana Company, a kind of theatrical experience during the day. Tom and his crazy roving company of just insane bandits, just going, “What the f**k just happened?”

Chapter 6: What Oz Hath Wrought By the time Oz ended its six season run in 2003, HBO’s ranks of original programs had swelled to include such era-defining shows as, The Sopranos, The Wire, and Sex and the City. The larger cable landscape had changed as well: Showtime had ramped up its originals slate with Soul Food and Queer as Folk, and in 2002, FX premiered The Shield. In several cases, these descendants overshadowed their ancestor in terms of ratings and awards. Still, 20 years later Oz remains a singular TV series, and a foundational experience for everyone involved in its making.

Fontana: HBO didn’t bother us with ratings. If they did marketing or demographic research, they didn’t share it with me. The thing that Chris said to me was, “I don’t care if this show is talked about in the TV section of the newspaper. I want it on the op-ed page.” So anytime somebody on an op-ed page made a reference to the show, he considered that a 40 share of a Nielsen rating. He wanted HBO and the show in places where people who don’t watch television are looking. I had no idea what the ratings were; all I knew is that he said, “Let’s make more of them,” and I said “Yippee.”

Albrecht: I got a lot of comments [about Oz] from people who were my peers in the entertainment business, so I knew that people were paying attention to it. I think that was the first step towards having it be an impact. I don’t know how many subscribers we had at that time — 15 or 17 million maybe — but the fact that we were getting that kind that kind of attention for something that we had done for our programming strategies [told us] we were in uncharted territory. There was a bridge here we could continue to widen and build as long as we were prepared to make the investment.

Winters: Back in 1997, who had HBO? I didn’t. Did you? And given the content of the show, we were going to work thinking, “Are these people f***ing crazy? No one’s going to watch this.”

Tergesen: Right before it started to air, a bunch of us had this thought, like, “Oh my God, what the f**k are people gonna say when they see this thing?” And there were definitely some people like that. One of my favorite reviews was a review that said, “This show offends God and it offends me.” But then it came on, and it was such a great show. And it was a great show to be in New York doing, because people were so verbal. When the show was on, there was always a bunch of stuff happening with people on the street. People who had been to jail would be like, “Yo man, I love that show you’re doing, but I just gotta tell you — the sex stuff, it’s not like that.” Like really bro? You need to tell me this on the street? I wasn’t thinking about whether or not you had sex in prison until you just brought it up now.

Hudson: I got a call on to be on some talk show on MSNBC; the Monica Lewinsky thing was going on, and the wanted me to come on a panel to discuss Bill Clinton. I didn’t know why they asked me, but I go on the show and I say, “Well, you know, we all make mistakes.” The commentator said, “That is not what you said on the show.” Then it occurred to me that they actually thought I was a warden! They were dealing with it like I was this authority having worked in prison. I don’t know who did their homework, but I’m like, “I’m an actor. What I say on the show comes from Tom Fontana and the writers. It’s nothing to do with me.”

Velez: There was some strange fan mail about outfits they wanted Gloria to wear. I was like, “Wow, this is just a little bit too much.”

Acevedo: All of us would get mail from prisoners. I would get mail constantly. “You remind me of me. You remind me of my brother.” Or, “Hey, can I get a job? Because I was really in prison and I know what’s up.” Stuff like that. The one complaint that people did say was, “Goddamn, everybody’s so handsome in prison!” All of us were too good-looking to be in prison. We’re actors, though. I think probably none of us would survive in prison.

Fontana: I took the responsibility of doing the first drama series for HBO very seriously. Because when you’re given unlimited freedom in terms of language, sexuality, and visual storytelling, it’s very easy to go, “I’m free at last! I can do anything I want!” It was a real lesson for me to try to truly use the violence and the sex when I felt it was necessary for character stuff, and not just to put it in because I could. Not knowing who the next people at HBO doing drama series would be, I felt a responsibility to them. If I f***ed up, Chris would say to them, “I trusted Fontana and he f***ed it up, so I’m not trusting anyone after that.” Fortunately, I didn’t f**k it up too much, and David Chase was the next guy in the door.

Albrecht: First and foremost, OZ was an “Open for Business” sign for HBO. But it wasn’t like all of a sudden the floodgates opened; it was still a growing process. Even The Sopranos was brought to us through Brillstein-Grey, because Brad Grey had been a dear friend of HBO for a long time. The idea that he was going to pitch a show to us was not unusual, but what was unusual was that it was an hour-long drama instead of Fraggle Rock or a comedy special.

Winters: When HBO got wind that hour-long programming could work, they greenlit The Sopranos and Six Feet Under, and then Oz kind of got lost in the conversation a little bit. I’ve always looked at that as a little unfair to Tom, because Tom really needs to be credited as the guy who literally broke down the walls of late night [original] programming for cable television. It’s not sour grapes at all, because those shows were amazing. All I’m saying is that Oz was the guinea pig, and guinea pigs usually get left out of the equation. But you’d have to be really academically bankrupt or just stupid to watch OZ and not see the bigger picture. In mean, in 1997, one of our lead characters was a Muslim. People are talking about Muslims on TV now, and we did it 20 years ago. Tom was so ahead of the game that it frightened people, and they’re just figuring it out now.

Kareem Said talking to his Muslim brothers. (Credit: HBO)

Kinney: All of us were resentful; that’s just the truth. The Sopranos came on, and we loved that show. I still do, obviously. We just really felt like the bastard cousin. We kept wanting recognition; we kept wanting marketing and publicity to put us out there more. We kept wanting to be put into at least the mainstream of cable, since we were the first cable drama ever. We were all working under the radar, and we were all wanting the radar to find us a little bit.

McAdams: Twenty years is a long time with multiple generation gaps, so there are a lot of people who just don’t really know the value of what this show meant to cable television. They don’t know how it set the foundation for all these other shows that came on HBO that everybody loved. Not just The Sopranos; I’m talking about shows like The Corner and The Wire. I was blessed to work on The Wire for a number of seasons, and people get more excited about me mentioning that then they do when I mention Oz. That’s because they don’t remember Oz

Albrecht: I think maybe from the subject matter point of view, Oz was a tougher show to watch than a lot of the others, even though the others were groundbreaking in their own way. Oz was more violent, and that’s saying a lot compared to The Sopranos. Even in The Sopranos, you didn’t see people get killed a lot; they god killed off-camera. In OZ, the violence and stuff like that happened right in front of your face. The other shows were maybe easier on the stomach for people.

Tergesen: You now, whether Oz gets included in a list [of influential shows] or not, it doesn’t matter. I know what it was, and to this day, I find people are always stopping me and talking about it. So was The Sopranos a major hit? Yes. But it was part of a process. There wouldn’t have been a Sopranos if there wasn’t an Oz.

Akinnuoye-Agbaje: I think the very reason that we’re talking about it today shows that it’s not overshadowed. We were first, and Oz was probably an uncompromising show that was always going to be a hard pill to swallow. But what it has become as a result is a cult phenomenon. The Sopranos was slightly more commercial, and a little bit more palatable but Oz was uncompromising.

Martin: I think Oz was so far ahead its time, because it didn’t have a Tony Soprano. That was deliberate on Tom’s part, because he really wanted an ensemble piece and he loved this idea of the guy you love might die. In a weird way, Oz shot itself in the foot, because there’s nobody for you to hold onto. Tom would kill them off so quickly. You watch for the performances, but not for any one performance. That couldn’t work for a very long time, and now where do we see it working? Game of Thrones also has no Tony Soprano. Oz is the one that started that. It’s a very forward way of thinking, and now everyone’s thinking that way.

Fontana: Even though they were both about criminals, The Sopranos was so different from Oz that it wasn’t like it a copy of something we did. It existed in its own universe. I’m glad Oz worked for HBO, and gave them the courage to keep pushing the boundaries that it did with The Sopranos and Six Feet Under and all the shows that have come since.

Albrecht: I learned a tremendous amount by doing Oz Tom was a consummate showrunner and supportive friend. There’s a real bond that’s made when you go through something like that. I’m incredibly proud of the show, and I always talk about it like Tom and Barry were a little like Lewis and Clark, looking down at the Pacific going “Holy crap, we made it.”

De Segonzac: What I like about the show is that it’s completely timeless. Re-watching the first episode, it could be happening today. It’s also just a great memory of what filmmaking can be about, and the kind of feeling that happens if the people involved are given free rein.

Tergesen: Oz changed me in a lot of ways, and most of the time work doesn’t, you know? I learned a lot about myself as an actor, and I have a career that’s largely based on the fact that I did this show 20 years ago. I’m so happy that I got that chance, and the relationships that I still have to this day. When J.K. won the Oscar for Whiplash, I texted him, “Wow, I just realized I licked the boots of an Oscar winner.” And his return text was, “If memory serves you also shit in the face of an Oscar winner.”

Future Oscar winner J.K Simmons as Vern Schillinger on ‘Oz.’ (Credit: HBO)

Akinnuoye-Agbaje: No matter where I go in the world, people will always call me Adebisi, and that’s cool with me because it’s been the foundation of my success. Whatever role I play is a result of writers, directors and producers watching Oz. And I think it made people aware of what goes on behind those bars. I was invited to Rikers to speak to some of the younger offenders in there, because the prisoners were some of the most popular viewers of the show, and felt that it was an authentic voice as far as it could be.

Seda: Every now and then, someone will be like, “Hey! I love Dino, man. It was the best character. Why’d they kill you?” I’m like, “Aw, thanks.” It’s great to be a part of something that when you pour so much into and you get so much passion in your heart. It was just a great project to be a part of.

Acevedo: This is gonna sound so mushy, but Oz was the truest sense of an artistic family that I could ever, ever have. I was in New York two months ago, and I had drinks at Tom’s house. I still talk to most of the guys. So there’s that sense of family, and other actors looking out for you. This whole business is really not forgiving, so for that to be one of my first jobs spoiled me. When I go on any other show, and I see a guest star come on the set, I think about how nervous I was [on Oz]. So I try to be as welcoming as possible. I go, “If you want to ad lib, throw it at me.” I make them feel that it’s okay to f**k up.

Velez: This truly was a family. You hear people say that, but I just remember hanging out watching people’s scenes, and I remember the level of commitment to the work and to the collaborative spirit. You don’t get that often in your career. It made me a better actor and gave me something that I’m proud of to be a part of. And I met some great people that I love.

McAdams: Oz set the foundation for what my career is today, working as a professional stuntman. That only happened because of the exposure I had to the stuntpeople that I met on Oz. It changed my family’s life, too, because when I left New York and went back to Maryland, the dream was real at that point. Oz showed me what was possible in life, and the belief system and faith that I gathered built my confidence for everything else I’ve been able to accomplish.

Hudson: For me, Oz brought a certain integrity and honesty that touches you on a deeper level. It was the most amazing cast I think I’ve ever worked with.

Winters: I’ve been on a lot of great shows, but Oz is the biggest, baddest motherf***er I could ever have been a part of. That was a period of time that will never be repeated, and for that I’m eternally grateful. Plus it was where I got my chops: I learned how to fail, and I learned how to succeed. Nothing will ever come close to it, ever.

Kinney: I have two personal legacies that really shaped my entire being as an artist. One is my theater company, Steppenwolf, which shaped the way I see the world through art. The second thing is Oz. Tom gave me the language for filmmaking and that side of things, and the idea of having one person be the captain of the shop. Tom was the great decider for all of us, and that really shaped so much of how I treated everything after that as an artist. I don’t do anything unless I think it has that kind of vision now. Because of Tom, my standards were raised, and I think all of ours were.

Fontana: As a writer, Oz liberated me in a way that I didn’t know that I needed to be liberated, in terms of how to tell stories and how to develop characters. On a personal level, being friends with the cast has enhanced my life. I get asked every couple of weeks when I’m bringing the show back. But the sets are gone and the actors are all too expensive, so there’s no chance of it. I couldn’t afford Dean Winters or J.K. Simmons anymore! So I can’t say that I sat up night cursing the darkness that we didn’t get the recognition [at the time]. What’s funny is that it’s taken 20 years, but now everybody’s saying that. You know what I mean? I lived long enough to hear it.

Oz can be streamed on Amazon Prime and HBO Go.

Read More From Yahoo TV: ‘Twin Peaks’ First Look: Bring Home the Log Lady From Comic-Con ‘Game of Thrones’: Ranking the Couples From Ewwww to #Goals Review: Joe and Mika’s Smug Appearance on ‘Colbert’

#_revsp:wp.yahoo.tv.us #hbo #_author:Ethan Alter #peak tv #oz #_uuid:4cfd0e6f-728f-3b93-aeb8-b9063963e54a #_lmsid:a0Vd000000AE7lXEAT

[canaryatlaw]

ok, long but good day. woke up to my alarm at 7:45, got up and got dressed, stuck the last of my toiletries in my suitcase and got an uber to the airport. Got there about 8:45, which was my goal time, so I was happy about that. got through security no problem, something I was like low key nervous about because I had originally thought the Real ID law going into effect meant I needed an enhanced driver’s license to use as ID, but I did a bunch of online research and knew that wasn’t the case, but was still a little worried about lol. I walk to my gate, which is allllll the way at the very end of the terminal. there’s a starbucks there, so I order a breakfast sandwich and a drink. I keep making the mistake of thinking that if a drink is on the app’s mobile ordering menu the barista will know how to make it, when that is clearly not the case. I asked for a “violet drink” which is the equivalent of “pink drink” but made with the berry hibiscus refresher instead of the strawberry acai refresher. but the cashier didn’t know what I was talking about so I just ended up with a normal berry hibiscus refresher 🤷🏻‍♀️ oh well. I sat for a while and used the free wifi while charging my phone on the conveniently located outlets, and in not too long they were boarding. My zone gets called, I swipe my boarding pass on my phone, and the lady is like “you’re good- oh wait no you’re not” because the machine was saying there was something wrong with my boarding pass and she was like “are you on standby?” and I was like....no....I bought this ticket a month ago I’m not on fucking standby. so she has me come around to the front of the desk and wait while she gets other people on the plane, where there are apparently other people waiting who also had boarding pass issues. At this point I’m fairly ticked off, and if I somehow don’t get on that plane I’m mentally planning what I can threaten to sue them over (clearly breach of contract, they made false promises that I relied upon to my detriment and I should be able to collect damages for the ticket prices and waste of my time), but then she types some things into the computer and gives me a paper boarding pass with a different seat number (which was exactly 5 rows in front of my original one). So I’m just like hey whatever, I don’t really care, just let me get on the plane, and if I don’t have to threaten to sue anybody than that’s good. So I boarded and got settled, opened the in flight magazine to see what sudoku they had going, they had easy and hard kenken puzzles, both of which I completed before the plane even pulled away from the gate 😂 (hashtag expert status) and I made pretty fast work of the easy sudoku puzzle before pulling out my phone and reading some fanfic I put on there forever, and then I was gonna start the stuff I loaded on it last night, but ended up wanting to reread one of Jess’ longer fics, and that pretty much took the rest of the time of the flight, lol. We landed at 1:30 NY time, I get off the plane and get my bag just fine, I’m texting my mom about where to meet her and I literally walk out of the airport just to see my mom driving by and I’m like, waving furiously trying to get her attention but NOPE she just keeps driving and I’m just like DAMMIT because if you’re familiar with laguardia airport you know they’re currently doing a massive construction project that has been making everyone’s life hell, so she had to do another full loop around to get back to where I was, which took another like, 15 minutes. So I finally get in the car and we start the drive home, my mom randomly pulls off the highway to this little town in search of somewhere she can get a green tea latte (which is apparently her thing now) and we end up in this adorable little place that’s billed as a coffee and ice cream shop but has a whole lot of interesting food options like fancy grilled cheeses and an assortment of belgian waffle flavors. And if you know me you know I’m obsessed with well-made belgian waffles, so I got a “churro” flavored one which was made with cinnamon in the batter, then topped with cinnamon sugar and vanilla ice cream, and damn I was pretty much in heaven. so we go back to the car and finish the drive home, pretty soon after we get there my mom has to take my sister to her therapy appointment (apparently she’s doing much better now than earlier in the year and my parents are very happy about it) so I was mostly alone and just did stuff on my computer for a while. eventually people returned and we decided to order pizza for dinner because my mom hadn’t been to the store and didn’t have anything to bake, so I called that in and the delivery guy came, and there was a very awkward exchange during which I was just standing there with the door open holding the collar of our golden retriever so he didn’t go run and jump on the delivery guy (he’s totally harmless, but he’s rather big and I know some people would not appreciate being jumped on) while my mom went upstairs to get money out of the sock (where my parents stash their cash) to pay for the pizza lol. But we got the pizza and paid for it successfully, and I put my piece under the broiler for a few minutes so the cheese gets nice and crispy and I’m in pizza heaven. dad comes home pretty soon and my mom pulls out some anchovies she was apparently saving for him (my favorite topping combo is pepperoni and anchovies, but I can’t really have pepperoni now so it just ends up being anchovies) so I had my second piece with them and it was very enjoyable. After dinner we just kind of chilled, me still on my laptop and the parents watching HGTV or whatever while the other siblings kind of milled about, and that ended up being out it for the night. we figured out train schedules to get me to the city tomorrow, the interview is at 11 and it’s about a 20 minute subway ride from penn station, so I’m gonna take the 8:30 train that gets in at 9:56 so I’ll surely have enough time to get there, even if everything goes haywire and I end up having to just hop in a cab or an uber (I’ve successfully navigated New York’s subway system before, once you’ve mastered one you can really figure out all of them, so I don’t expect anything to go wrong). the interview is supposed to last a little over an hour, and then I can take the train back home. It’s still been on my mind all day about whether it’s a job I want to take or not (assuming I get offered the job of course) and as much as it pains me to admit it because I’ve really, really liked my life in Chicago lately, I know this is the best opportunity for me and it’d be foolish not to take it when I don’t have any other possible offers or even interviews for any other job period, much less any job that actually deals with children. and like, I could make a job in a similar field like domestic violence work for a few years, but my heart wouldn't be in it (I mean, for DV in particular it is a cause I’m very much invested in so I would have my heart in it, but not the same way it’d be when it comes to kids where I really want to be) and it’d just be passing time until I can get hired at a job with kids. Right now I’m not crazy about the idea of being close to my family, even though they obviously REALLY want me back, and at one point in the past year I was convinced that it’s what I wanted to do and I probably accidentally got their hopes up on it, something has shifted, I don’t know what, but I’m not quite in that frame of mind anymore. I guess part of it is realizing that if I took this job in the city I don’t really have a group of friends there and I’m scared about being lonely, especially when my friend situation has been so great lately. So I don’t know. I think if it gets offered I’ll probably feel obliged to take it, but then I just have this overwhelming sense of foreboding of my time in Illinois and my time living this awesome life I’ve been living is going to be over, and like, that really sucks. But that’s about all I gotta say on that subject. Another thing worth noting that happened today though was I convinced my parents to pay, as my birthday gift, for me and Jess to go to Collective Con in Florida the weekend right before my birthday, because Brandon Routh and Courtney Ford are going to be there and we *obviously* need to take advantage of this and be able to experience seeing them as a couple outside of the show. I was pretty sure I could get my dad to go for it if I framed it right, so I looked up flights to make sure I got the absolute best prices (which were unfortunately still like $500 a pop, but there were ones that were much worse) and identified an airbnb and convention passes to give him a final number because I know that he’s more likely to approve stuff like that if I frame it the right way. So that’s gonna be coming up at the end of the month and I am SUPER psyched about that, we’re gonna fly out Friday morning and come back Monday morning, which is my birthday, and also the night “I, Ava” airs, then in two weeks we have C2E2 and HVFF Chicago, so it’s basically gonna be the best time ever and hopefully I won’t start flunking all of my classes because of it. But yeah, that was mostly my day. Hopefully tomorrow will go well. I’m always trying to think of questions to ask them because I know in job interviews they want you to have questions, but I always end up defaulting to like “what’s your favorite part about working here?” which I feel is kinda lame, so if any of you have ideas on that front, please hit me up with them by tomorrow morning lol. It’s almost 1:30 am now though and I have to be up at 7, so it is definitely time for me to go to bed. Goodnight my lovelies. Happy Friday.

#daily journal #March 2018

[weekendwarriorblog]

Maybe Movie Theaters Aren’t as “Lethal” as “Experts” Are Telling You?

I was going to write this piece “30-Minute Experiment” style* but then decided to write it offline in case I want to make changes before posting, although this is still mostly being written freeform.  I’ve been dwelling on this stuff for months now, and I’m shocked that others who work in the movie business haven’t made even half the effort I’ve made to try and figure this stuff out. Instead, people seem more interested in making stupid jokes or spout the type of doom and gloom fearmongering to purvey the myth that reopening movie theaters will extensively kill people. Not only is this not true but none of these conversations have been even remotely constructive.

I’m here to say that a lot of what is being said is absolute fucking horseshit.

Besides spending more time in movie theaters than many if not most “experts,” including most of New York’s vast film critic base, I also made the time to take the Johns Hopkins course in contact tracing, mainly so that I could learn more about the spread of COVID and how to prevent or stop it from spreading.  Sure, this is a constantly evolving pandemic where we’re getting new and conflicting information on a weekly and even daily basis, but there are simple premises in place that has made it possible for places like New York to beat it. Frankly, I have no idea why movie theaters have suddenly been deemed the most dangerous place on earth … compared to airplanes, churches, supermarkets, restaurants, etc. etc.

I can understand why reopening movie theaters has not been considered a priority by lawmakers since moviegoing might not seem essential, but right now, we need movies more than ever. If you look at all the craziness in the world right now, and especially in the United States, it’s pretty obvious that people staying at home in quarantine is like shaking a closed bottle of soda pop. Nothing is going to happen at first but eventually you have to open that cap and soda is going to spray everywhere.  In this case, the effects have led to a lot of angry people but also a lot of bad behavior. I won’t go into details but you can see the uptick in violence across the country and wonder if maybe people had the outlet of going to movies.

Before I proceed, I just want to remind anyone reading this that NO ONE IS FORCING YOU TO GO TO MOVIE THEATERS!! If you don’t feel safe, don’t go. If you’re a film critic and don’t feel safe enough to go to a press screening of Tenet, don’t worry. There will be plenty of other writers out there who will gladly go and see the movie and write a review and ultimately replace you. There’s plenty of other jobs out there that are far more essential than being a film critic, and most of the film critics I know are so fucking lazy already, that they just want any excuse to sit at home in their bathrobe and slippers watching movies on their giant-screen TV sets. As someone who has reviewed 70 movies since April – you read that right – I’m already sick of watching movies in this less than optimum way and not being able to fully appraise the hard work by filmmakers at their craft. So yeah, I’m partially wanting movie theaters to reopen out of selfishness, but I also think that it can be done safely and in a way that people who need that outlet of  escape can have somewhere to go and something to do, as opposed to what we have now…. NOTHING.

Not Everyone You Encounter Has COVID!

This is important, because there seems to be this underlying myth right now that everyone out on the streets, including those who aren’t wearing masks, are COVID carriers and potential spreaders. This could not be further from the truth, particularly in places like New York and New England where COVID has mostly been kept under control. When testing in New York is showing that around 1% of those tested are positive, that’s basically saying that 1 in 100 people currently has or had COVID, and most of them will have recovered and no longer be infectious in roughly two weeks. I don’t think I’ve been around more than 10 different people TOTAL in the last four months, and before that, I can’t remember the last time I was at a screening with more than 100 people (probably Birds of Prey, which was this big premiere/party fiasco in Times Square – I will not miss these).

If someone gets COVID, they may be carriers but they’re only infectious TWO DAYS before their symptoms show up. This is fact, straight from Johns Hopkins. If someone is in contact with someone with COVID on Thursday, but they don’t have symptoms until the following Thursday, they’re not infectious until Tuesday.  But that also makes them pre-symptomatic since neither you nor they will know that they’re carriers. That is one of the biggest issues with COVID and why everyone needs to wear a mask… but hey, if you get tested today and you test negative for COVID, I’m gonna assume you’re okay, as long as you haven’t been doing stupid shit like going to COVID parties or hanging outside bars jabbering with other people you don’t know. This is how COVID spreads. Not sitting in a movie theater quietly watching a movie and not necessarily interacting with others you don’t know. I mean, who does that anyway?

Social Distancing

One of the key points to fighting the Corona virus has been for people to stay six feet apart from other people and generally isolating themselves from others. A lot of people have readily complied, because frankly they’re scared shitless of getting the virus themselves. Sure, they’ll say that their concerns are about spreading it to others, but it’s just not the greatest thing for everyone to stay isolated and away from other people. I’ll admit it that I’m getting pretty lonely, because I don’t have any friends who live in my general neighborhood, so I’ve not seen any single one of them in person in four months. It really sucks. But that doesn’t mean it’s impossible to socially distance in a movie theater. In fact, it’s much easier now more than ever since there are reserved seats, and in some theaters, they have the reclining seats which means they’re spaced further apart back-to-front.  There are some issues with doing any sort of barrier or taped-off-seating thing because you have to expect that families or groups of two, three, four or more might all want to sit together, but you’ll still need to space out patrons/groups by two or three seats. On top of that, moviegoers tend to want to sit where they like to sit, so this could end up being somewhat limiting but I have to assume that most theaters won’t be able to be full beyond 25-30% capacity on reopening anyway so there will probably be plenty of space and options. That actually makes me happy, because like most people,  I don’t necessarily want to be seated right on top of some person I don’t know… unless they’re very cute.

Mask Wearing

As we now know, wearing a mask is the most important part of preventing the spread of COVID-19, and except for a few people, that hasn’t been a big issue. More importantly, it really isn’t that big an issue inside movie theaters. While you’re in shared areas like bathrooms and lobbies, masks will have to be mandatory. There’s no reason not to wear a mask there, and it’s not hard to purchase and pick up tickets without having that much contact between employees, who also shouldn’t have a problem wearing masks when dealing with customers. (In fact, there’s far less contact between patrons and employees in movie theaters than restaurants where servers need to keep going back to tables and talk to people eating without masks.)

But honestly, once someone is seated, presuming that they’re more than six feet apart from others, they should be able to take off their masks, drink soda, eat popcorn whatever. It’s not like people are jabbering away while watching movies (at least they shouldn’t be, even without COVID), so I don’t think wearing a mask will be that big of an issue once everyone is settled.

Speaking of which, some of you may realize that I had leukemia back in 2013, and some might realize I got a stem cell transplant in October 2013, which basically reset my immune system to zero. I literally did not have an immune system, and I could have gotten measles or mumps or anything that people are normally vaccinated for as toddlers. I was told that if I got a fever or anything, I would be back in the hospital, so I basically was wearing an N95 mask whenever I was out and around anyone besides my mother (who I was living with at the time). That said, less than 30 days after my transplant, I was back in a VERY crowded theater to see Thor: The Dark World, and I continued to see movies. I’d wear my N95 mask when I went into the theater and once I was seated (usually on an aisle next to someone who I knew wasn’t sick) and I felt comfortable, I would take my mask off to watch the movie. When I returned to New York City in February, I rode the subway everywhere, and I continued going to movies including crowded all-medias, always wearing a mask but taking it off once the movie started. Sure, my situation was very different from how COVID spreads, but it’s a similar concept where anyone can contact COVID since there’s no vaccine. One also has to think that the safety measures being taken (as mentioned above) is helping to quell the infection when the rules are followed, and I see no reason why being in a movie theater, socially distanced from others, is any different than riding the bus or being in a store or anywhere else.

Cleanliness

I’ve seen a few comments online about how “theaters won’t be cleaned properly” because according to them, theaters employee underpaid teenagers who aren’t going to take the proper time and care to clean theaters and other spaces to the standards needed for preventing spread. Again, bearing in mind that not everyone who goes to theater is a carrier and just in general, people don’t walk around movie theaters spitting and spraying everywhere under normal circumstances, this is probably the dumbest reasoning I’ve heard. Experts have also said that more people have gotten COVID from it being airborne than it being on surfaces they touch and then proceed to touch their faces. Surfaces will generally have to be cleaned but I don’t think defaming young people is the stance to take on this matter.

Air Condition vs. Ventilation

This is the biggest question in my mind, and so far, I don’t think any of the “experts” have fully agreed. To be honest, a lot of what has been said is completely contradictory. At first, the reason movie theaters were being considered so dangerous was “because the air conditioning can blow the COVID all around the theater” but then, more recently, it was said that the reason why indoor locations aren’t good is due to the “lack of ventilation.” Those things seem to be polarly opposite to me. Either the air conditioning is blowing the COVID or there is a lack of ventilation and therefore nothing blowing around. There has also been talk about the AC systems needing a certain type of filter that can keep the COVID particles from travelling around or that the AC system needs to draw in fresh air from outside vs. recycling the air from inside, which makes sense if there is anyone positive with COVID inside. (And again, that’s a BIG “If.”)  

Listen, I have been in a lot of movie theaters, both commercial and smaller screening rooms, and I prefer to have some sort of air or ventilation for it to be comfortable. I would rather have air blowing on me and keeping me awake than stale or “dead air” or worse, a warm and unventilated theater. But I also have never been in a theater where the air conditioning  is blowing so hard that it might blow any molecules from out of my mouth into someone else’s mouth or vice versa. I mean, seriously… that’s gross.  

I question this entire line of thinking, because I just don’t think there’s anything in the air in a movie theater that’s any worse than the air in a supermarket, a post office, a subway train, a bus or even a hospital.  If you think about it, most ER waiting rooms in hospitals are so bad that if someone comes in with COVID symptoms, and for some reason, they’re not wearing a mask, they could literally infect every single person in there, going by the theories on why movie theaters are so bad.

The “2 Hour” Rule

This is something that’s come up most recently with China reopening its theaters but only for movies under 2 hours. So apparently, sitting in movie theater for less than 2 hours is MUCH safer than sitting there for 2 hours and one minute or anything longer? This makes little sense since you’re generally sitting in the same place, and the only way that being there less time may be safer is because, sure, there’s less time for you or someone around you to do something stupid. But that whole time, most of you will just be sitting there watching a movie. It’s not like you’re wrestling or singing hymns or doing anything that forces you to come closer into conduct with someone over the course of two hours or longer.

But there’s a really simple way to avoid people sitting in movie theaters too long… just kill the 20 minutes of ads and trailers in front of every movie. I mean, I prefer seeing trailers this way, and I always get to the movie theater earlier to see them, but it’s not really necessary, and it helps to get people in and out faster, if that is such a big concern.

Easy Tracking and Tracing

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, and I’ll keep saying it until I’m blue in the face because PEOPLE DO NOT LISTEN. The key to quelling an outbreak like COVID is through testing, tracking and tracing… plus social distancing, mask-wearing of course… but when someone tests positive for COVID, people need to know immediately who they came into contact with to make sure that they quarantine themselves and don’t spread it further. If someone quarantines for two weeks without symptoms, it’s pretty safe to say they didn’t contract COVID but if they immediately went out and get tested, at least they can quarantine while waiting for the results.

This is the key to why movie theaters are far safer than anyone seems to understand, because it’s far easier to track/trace who went to see a movie in which theater at what time. The person who tests positive for COVID would have to tell the tracer where/when they saw the movie, and then through online and onsite ticket sales, one could figure out who else was in that theater, call them up, see if they have symptoms, make sure they get tested/quarantined, etc.  In fact, with reserved seating, you can determine who was sitting anywhere near the COVID case and you can contact them to see if they have shown any symptoms. One major problem right now is how slowly tests are coming back. These results need to be known within two or three days tops for contact tracing to make a difference, but the point is that movie theaters have so many ways to help in the contact tracing process by knowing more about their patrons (even if that information just sits in a database for two weeks in case it’s needed).

The COVID pandemic has been pretty awful, but getting COVID has not necessarily been a death sentence for roughly 95% of the people who have contracted it, and in some areas (like New York), the infection rate is so low you probably spend more time around people who don’t have COVID and maybe never had COVID then you do those who have contracted the disease. But if you get it, and you’re not over a certain age or have conditions that make it harder to beat, then you’ll just have to deal with it.

I find it more than a little funny and ironic that film critics -- one of the least essential jobs out there -- can't seem to drum up the courage to do their jobs, while nurses, doctors, delivery people, supermarket clerks and millions of other essential workers get up, go out and face the unknown every single day.  Seeing movies in a movie theater may not seem essential to some people (including film critics, oddly) but movies have brought joy and escapism to millions of people across the world for over a hundred years. To some, watching movies in theaters offers a lot more to them, even if it’s just getting out of the house or getting some air conditioning for a few hours.

If you want to go to see movies in theaters, that’s just the risk you’ll have to take, and if you have diabetes or other conditions that might make it more dangerous for you to get COVID, then it’s up to you if you’re willing to take that risk… but I have a feeling that if you’re at risk, you will be a LOT more careful while interacting with people you don’t know when you go to the movies.  You’ll wear a mask, and you won’t get up and up close to people you don’t know who are not wearing a mask. Really, it’s not that hard to figure this out.

(*Incidentally, I did write a 30 Minute Experiment on how to reopen movie theaters literally THREE MONTHS AGO!!)

#TheWeekendWarrior ReopenMovieTheaters