#we had a really good time together yesterday and it almost reminded me of old times before any of this stupid shit even happened

[bubblegumbeyotch]

.

#spent some time with ***** yesterday #god…. this would be a lot easier if he was just a totally unrepentant asshole and i could just cut him off completely #because it’s so fucking hard to get over someone when you still see all of the little things that you loved about them #we had a really good time together yesterday and it almost reminded me of old times before any of this stupid shit even happened #i had to keep stopping myself from holding his hand or touching him excessively but it just feels so unnatural it’s so hard #he also always compliments me when he sees me which is really sweet but ugh #like yesterday we took a picture together and after he was like #’you have such a beautiful smile’ #and that was sweet right but also made it feel like my heart was collapsing in on itself #and we hugged for a looooooong time and i think we both know it’s because we still have so much attraction for each other leftover #and this is kind of the only way we can express it without fucking up the boundaries we already set #but jesus it’s hard #like god it’s so hard to be around him because i feel like i have to be cold and distant because otherwise this happens #like despite everything i can’t help how much i still love him #and that’s why i can’t talk about it because it feels like everyone expects me to hate him and want nothing to do with him #when the real issue is that yes i am still very mad at him but i wouldn’t be nearly as mad if i didn’t love him #in conclusion: fuck this stupid baka life #personal

[vro0m]

i've been thinking about smth for a while and it came to me this morning (post race clarity or delusion?) that the way merc is operating this year remindes me a bit too much of mclaren after lewis's championship, car is everywhere, or it's good, but the strategy is not, lewis asks for one thing and they give smth totally different, tp's assuring that they're on the right path as they go to their demise, it's just that lewis isn't 25 yrs old anymore, do you see it or do i need to drop f1 for mental health and go for a walk?

Between F1 and a walk, the right choice is always the walk, first of all. That said, it's a tough question because it's very up to interpretation. In my opinion, I see what you mean but it's not that bad— yet.

Long post / essay :

For starters I'm gonna say something super controversial that people might completely disagree with and is totally arguable : imho the '09 McLaren was worse than the W13. Simply because back then McLaren was pretty much the only team having put together such a shit car, whereas in '22 some of the issues the W13 had, they all had.

McLaren corrected their issues much more quickly than Merc is doing now but you have to keep in mind that there was no costcap so they were able to throw money at it until it worked. It's not the case anymore. It means Merc has to get used to operating with a suboptimal car, instead of "just" trying to fix the car, which creates new issues they never had before and are struggling with, such as adjusting their expectations. (As are a lot of the fans, btw.)

If they were as positive and as comfortable with hard times as they like to say they are (saying stuff like 'you only learn when you fail' and all these platitudes), they might see it as an opportunity to optimise every other thing they can apart from the car, like the pitstops (didn't RBR become the kings of pitstops while Merc was dominant?) and the strategy (you have to try things rather than play it safe when you can't rely on your car to close the gap). Alas they can't seem to shift focus from the engineering department to the rest of the pieces of the puzzle.

But I think the main difference between McLaren post '08 and Mercedes post '21 is the team culture. They are not functioning in ways that are comparable in my mind. McLaren in the 00's was shady AF. I mean that's the team that forced Lewis to lie to the stewards and got him DSQ from a GP! Merc is fumbling atm but they're not a mafia.

25yo Lewis thought he had no choice but obey, 38yo Lewis is not gonna take shit anymore. His relationship to Merc comes with loads of perks and they can't push him around like McLaren used to. They can't force him in a box like McLaren used to. His worth, and thus his leverage, has increased dramatically since then. He's not a puppet. He's choosing to stay there and negotiating every penny and every bonus and every clause he can, there must be a reason why. I'm not gonna pity him, nor see him as a victim of his team.

The thing imo is that most teams struggle with what Merc is struggling with. They all make bad strategy decisions, some more than others (Ferrari being specialists), they all fuck up pitstops more or less often, etc. The feeling that Merc is doing particularly bad at the moment exists mostly out of comparison with previous results. They used to win everything because they are a good team, with good resources but, more than anything, because they had the best car. Them fumbling is mostly that shocking and remarkable because they used to win everything. Ferrari has been struggling for almost two decades and we're pretty much used to it now. Not Merc. But truly Merc is not more dysfunctional than Ferrari (or McLaren, or Alpha Tauri, or Williams, or...) at this point. I really don't think they got worse at strategy and pitstops than they used to be pre-'22. They just can't fall back on the car to hide their shortcomings anymore, as we were saying yesterday. They need to face up, but we get back to my previous point re: being apparently stubbornly unable to work on and question more than the car itself.

About Lewis suggesting things and not being heard, I wanna say the same thing I did yesterday and several times before : despite what I often read around here, the team gets it right more often than not. They have access to data he doesn't have access to. Not listening to him yesterday was a huge mistake because when it comes to rain, no one has better insight than the driver driving through it. But as far as engineering goes, sure, he can give his opinion on what needs to be worked on, but he's not an engineer himself. It's not as easy as saying "we need more downforce" ; adding more downforce changes how the rest of the car performs. The engineers know better than him what is possible and what is not possible to do in what time window.

For me, what makes McLaren post '08 the absolute worst is not really the racing part of things. It's how they treated him as a person. Merc is not abusing and disrespecting Lewis the way McLaren did. McLaren did not listen to him because they didn't take him seriously. Merc did not listen to him yesterday because they were fucking idiots. Hence why I said it's not that bad yet. We have to distinguish independant mistakes from dysfunctional patterns. Imo, yesterday was an independant mistake, albeit probably the worst one I've seen them make so far. The dysfunctional pattern is them not seeing anything past engineering at this point. McLaren was also making independant mistakes, but McLaren's dysfunctional pattern was belittling their drivers. We're not there yet. And I'm not sure we can get there at all with 38yo Lewis.

#f1 #lewis hamilton #2023 #essay #vro0m's asks

[hiskillingjar]

Collars (Strade/MC)

day 24: collars second person

"I have a present for you."

Strade’s voice was deceptively cheerful, almost airy in how light it was, as he approached you early in the morning, while you were still nursing a cup of coffee and a slice of wholewheat toast (he had good taste in sourdough, if you were going to give him credit for anything).

"Oh?" You glanced up cautiously, taking another long sip of coffee as you toyed with the thick crust of your toast, letting it break and fall apart on your plate. You didn’t trust that any gift from him would go well for you, not even for a minute. But you weren’t stupid enough to say that. "What's the occasion?"

"Come on now, don't play dumb," He chuckled, reaching forward to ruffle your hair and curl his fingers into it, a fist at the base of your skull, giving your head a little shake as he did so (reminding you of the number of times he’d done it before, bashed your head into cement, brick, bone). "Don't tell me you've forgotten already. It's our anniversary!"

"Anniversary?" You mumbled, swallowing thickly and setting your mug down, your face tight with a grimace as he curled his fingers tighter and tighter into your hair (threatening, always threatening, always keeping you alert and ready). "It's...it's been a year? Really?" 

"Yes, yes," He said, smiling as he brought his stubbly chin down to the crown of your hand, his free hand going down to your shoulder and rubbing his palm down your bare arm, feeling your goosebumps. It's almost a hug and it almost makes you vomit. "How time flies, eh? It feels like just yesterday I was picking you up at that seedy bar and we were spending our first night together."

You swallowed again. 

You had to, or you might have been sick.

"But I'm getting off-topic," He mumbled into your hair, his hand stilling as he held your shoulder, his fingers gripping a little tighter, digging into your skin (as he had done so many times before, you had the scars to prove it, to prove how much he liked digging into you ). "I have a gift for you, to celebrate such a happy day. Would you like it?"

"Mm..." You hummed uncomfortably, biting your lip, suddenly not hungry, and thoroughly put off the idea of finishing your breakfast. "Sure...that sounds nice."

"Good," He praised you casually, carelessly, (just as he hurt you so causally and carelessly, treating you like a toy he could throw away if he so chose to) as he let go of your shoulder (and your hair) and stepped to your side, a gift in hand wrapped in brown paper and twine. It was so normal looking, you almost laughed. "Here we are. Just for you."

You ran your tongue over your bottom lip nervously (you had bit it hard enough that it started to sting, it was the least amount of pain you’ve felt in days) as you took the little package, your hands shaking. 

You half expected it to blow up in your hands, or to start oozing blood or moving, like he had cut off a still-living limb from a new playmate that had been doomed to rot in the basement and gifted it to you, but nothing like that happened.

He waited expectantly for you to unwrap the gift, and...well, you had no reason not to.

Not really.

You untied the twine and removed the brown paper from the gift, your fingers brushing up against the cool metal that lay underneath.

It was a collar. 

Brand new and polished to pristine condition, you made note of as you pulled it from the paper, and lightweight enough in your palm that it probably wouldn't have even left the bruises on your neck and shoulders that your current one did.

"Out with the old, and in with the new," He said with an amused laugh, crossing his arms over his chest proudly while you gaped at the new collar, before taking the controller for your current collar from his trouser pocket and giving the button a quick click. 

The painful, bone-achingly sharp shock didn't emit like you had expected it to (like it had so many times before, you hadn’t even done anything wrong, he just did it when he felt like it) , instead, the tight metal clasp popped open at the nape of your neck and you felt it loosen instantly.

You gasped and reached up to grab it quickly, so it wouldn't fall, before rubbing your bruised skin with a relieved groan, feeling the slightly scabby bumps that the sharp prongs from the shock mechanism had left behind at the top of your spine.

"Now, don't tell Ren, I really can’t have him getting jealous," He said with a teasing tone to his voice, pacing back to his spot behind you and removing the old collar, setting it down on the counter (no doubt to be used on another helpless plaything, a pet he decided to claim as your replacement, who even fucking knew). "But your new collar doesn't even have a shock emitter in it, not yet. I figured, well, it's been a year now...I think I can trust you not to do anything stupid, since you've been so well-behaved up until now. Acting like such a little suck-up. It’s pretty cute!"

He didn't ask permission as he took your new collar in hand and brought it up to your neck, slipping it around your throat and clicking it into place, the new metal band a little looser around your neck than the previous one, but still just as immovable.

You barely resisted a whimper as you reached up to touch the polished metal, feeling the notch at your throat that he could use for…well, whatever he wanted (a leash, an o-ring, a tag that had your name, his address, a plea to ‘please take me home, I miss my owner!’)

If anything, this new collar laid his claim on you even more so than the last one.

The last collar, as heavy and as painful as it was, implied at least a certain degree of resistance, symbolising a painful punishment for misbehavior that must have happened frequently enough to necessitate such a brutal contraption.

This one told everyone what you were with just one look, that you were truly a spineless animal who didn't even need to be threatened with punishment anymore, because they thought so little of themselves, they didn't even try to fight back.

It told everyone that you had handed him your submission on a silver plate, and he had proved his ownership of you to be long-standing, brutal, and true.

He might have been bad, so bad, maybe even evil, but God, you were so much worse.

"Ah, it looks perfect. Not like I had any doubt," He toyed with the notch of the collar with a little smirk clear to his voice, triumphant and victorious, and no doubt imagining the things he could do with it. "You always look perfect."

"Mm," You bit your lip, eyes flitting downwards towards your old collar, unable to look back at him, unwilling to, (you might have cried if you even tried to).

"Aren't you going to say thank you?" He then asked, his voice a harsh whisper in your ear after a heavy moment of quiet, a thick finger trailing along the metal and back over the tight clasp that bolted you to him, permanently, if he decided to keep you . "I went through all the trouble of making it for you, after all…I think I deserve something in return."

"Ah...yeah," You cleared your throat and looked over your shoulder, through your thick hair (it had grown out in the year of him keeping you, he hadn’t cut it, he didn’t want to) back at him, an attempt at a weak smile on your face. "Thank you…I love it, I really do."

"You're so welcome," He purred, satisfied with your gratitude (at least for now) as he pressed another kiss to the crown of your head, humming happily against your skin as he wound his arms around your waist, pulling you tight to his body. 

You squeezed your eyes shut, your hands trembling at your sides. 

"Happy anniversary, liebling ...let's hope we get to another year, hm?"

#strade btd #strade x reader #strade x mc #kinktober 2023

[novemberhope]

Guess I'm in my revolutionary era again... well, sue me. The story was originally supposed to feature Elliara and Sabo as well, but it's too long already, so we only have Ginny and Dragon.

Here we go:

Surprised by the soft knock on the door, Dragon looked up from the papers he'd been looking at. This was usually not the hour people came to see him. "Come in," he said. To his surprise, it was Ginny who walked in. She seemed unsure of herself and after the events of the last few days, she looked like she hadn't slept in months. Her arm was covered in bandages, she was limping and her face looked like someone had used it as a punching ball. "Gin," he greeted her. This was usually not the person who came to see him either. "How can I help you?" She had never come to him before and he wondered what that was all about. For once, she did not seem angry, which for her, was a first. "About yesterday..." Ah yes, yesterday. They were all lucky to be still alive. Many other people hadn't been that lucky. It was a big setback and they would need some time to recover from that. "I'm sorry," she said. "I tried really hard to ... I'm still to weak ... I should have..." "Ginny," he quickly interrupted her. "You did good. Really really good. There was nothing more you could have done." "Then why do I feel so miserable?" she asked.

"Because sometimes what we do sucks," he bluntly told her. "In the end, it will be worth it. But in between, it's going to be hard. We won't always win." "But like this..." She closed her eyes. "We almost didn't make it out of there... and then it would have been... all over... again..." She barely held back her tears which was unusual for her, too. He'd seen her angry many times, but never this close to tears. But knowing her backstory, he understood where she was coming from. Twice she had lost her crew - once because she had left, which had been a big mistake on her part because she had trusted the wrong person - and once due to them being captured and nearly everyone having been killed. Coming this close to a third time had clearly shaken her up.

"But we're alive," he firmly reminded her. "We're a little worse for the wear, but we've made it." "Not thanks to me." "It doesn't have to be thanks to you, Ginny. It's a team effort and we are all trained for situations like this, not just you. It was a harsh blow and we will need time to recover from this, but it's not the end of the world." It had felt like the end of the world for him too. But he had pulled himself together and forced himself to focus on the future. He was their leader, he could not allow himself to dwell on thoughts of what might have been. He had to focus on getting them ahead again.

Ginny slowly nodded. He looked at her and remembered the angry and broken young woman Sabo had brought back one day. It's taken some time, but she had started to change. She wasn't quite where he hoped she would be one day, but she was getting there. "When you came here, your one goal was to learn to fight, to get strong and then get the hell out of here," he reminded her. "Guess I didn't get the hell out of here," she muttered, slowly lifting her head. "You think I should have?" "I'm glad you didn't," he told her. "As long as you want to stay, you are part of this crew." He could see her face lighting up, although she was trying not to let it show too much. "Get some rest, Gin," he told her. "Knowing you, you'll be waking up Koala at the break of dawn and demand another training sesson." He paused, since she was looking more like she needed a trip to the infirmary. "I guess telling you to get some rest will be ignored anyway?" She grinned. "Probably... I feel fine... the pains helps me to push through it." She paused. "Unless it's an order?" That was something that had taken some time to get into that stubborn head of hers - that orders needed to be followed. "I'm not wasting my breath with this," he replied. "You are old enough to know your limits." Also, he trusted Koala to put a stop to it when it got out of hand because Ginny had yet to learn the meaning of "getting some rest" and "letting it go". "Okay then..." She turned towards the door but turned back around to face him. "Thanks, Dragon..." "You're welcome," he told her. He watched her go and then turned back to the papers on his desk with a sigh. He might have helped Ginny to move past it a little bit, but while he knew he needed to move forward, it would still take time until he could let it go as well.

#oc #original character #my ocs #oc creator #one piece #one piece oc #one piece original character #one piece revolutionary army #revolutionary army #opla oc #oc: argent gin #oc: argent ginny #argent gin #argent ginny #oc x monkey d dragon #monkey d dragon x oc #monkey d dragon #one piece fanfiction #one piece short story #one piece drabble #my writings #writers write #oc fanfiction #oc story #oc drabble #oc writing #platonic!ship: ginny x dragon #oc fic #oc ficlet #fyeahonepieceocs

[jaidasstuff]

“Found Again” - Vinny Mauro

Summary: Vinny and Y/N break up, but they have a pet together and neither of them want to give it up. Then they spend a few days each with the pet separately. It kinda brings them back together.

- Yesterday -

"Y/N can't you just stop arguing, at least for once?! I'm taking her for three days, that's it!" Vinny yelled at me, his face all red because of his pure anger. I really never wanted us to end up like this. Actually I hated it! Vin looked so much like my father right now, but in the end i still loved him. i wouldn't ever be able to hate him, i know that i will always have a soft spot for this guy and love him. that's a fact, for sure."Okay well then I'm taking her three days after you!" I replied, also angry but trying not to yell at him. yelling is something that i disliked a lot because my father used to do that a lot.. let me tell you it never ended in a good way.

- Today Vinny’s POV -

God, Lexi reminded me so much of her. How come we ended things on bad terms? We were both ready to take the next step and move into our own house, but two weeks before moving, things literally went downhill. I really didn't know what our fucking problem was and why we were so angry at each other. these past days I've tried to find a solution for the both of us. I loved Y/N but things can't be like this anymore and we both should know that. But how am I going to stop us completely from drifting away from one another? Lexi was our child, well not really but basically she was. She's our almost one year old Pitbull. I got Y/N a puppy on our second year anniversary. it was a very sweet moment to remember, she cried a lot of happy tears that day. It was one of the happiest days i've ever experienced in my whole damn life. Her smile is everything for me. Now Lexi grew up and I knew it hurts her when we both aren't there for our dog like usual. "You miss mom too, huh" i said while petting her head, Lexi just looked at me but I could see that she didn't understand why mommy wasn't here with us.

- After the three days -

"Oh hey Vinny you're pretty early!" Y/N said, sounding surprised. I'm over an hour early but I just couldn't wait any longer. Through these past three days Lexi made me realize that life without us all being one family isn't what I wanted. I want Y/N back, my beloved girlfriend. This time I'm definitely doing it the right way. "I know I'm sorry to disturb, but we really need to talk about something. It's very important Y/N" I replied calmly looking down at her. She didn't look too good, Y/N had red and puffy eyes which revealed that she must've felt the same, which did made me feel better somewhat. "Alright let's go upstairs, Mads is here" she whispered softly and i nodded my head slowly, letting Lexi walk into the house. We arrived in our once shared bedroom and sat down. It was difficult to start the conversation since I was nervous but I knew that it's now or never.

- Y/N POV -

"So? What's up Vin?" I asked quietly. To be honest I was afraid of what he was about to say, being clueless and all isn’t that fun. "Right, so I've been thinking these past days.. about us and the whole relationship" after this I completely frowned. What was he about to say? God please don't tell me you already found a new girl. I wouldn't be able to live through that. i think that'd probably kill me. "Don't look like that, I'm not saying anything bad" he smiled softly and it reassured me somehow, which was odd. "Okay" I simply stated and he continued "i still love you and that won't change. These past days were horrible without us being together, Lexi and I missed you so much. Right then I knew that I want to be with you forever okay? She made me see things that I didn't really see before, she looked like a daughter that missed her mom dearly. It made me realize a lot if i'm being honest. even though i've already adored you, it just made things more clear." He whispered quietly and i exhaled a breath that I didn't knew I was holding. Vinny got up from our bed and stood in front of me. "Now I want to do this the right way. We've got so much memories together, both good and bad but we always kept supporting and loving each other. You've always had my back. Even when I decided to move back to my hometown you supported me and came with me. I want us to be a family for real and I want the whole world to know about us. Y/N Ramirez, will you please do me the honor of becoming my wife?" Vin asked while kneeling down on one knee. was this really happening right now or am I imagining things? Oh my gosh, this whole time i thought he was seeing someone else! I've honestly always wanted to marry, just like in those movies. "Of course.. yes Vin I'll definitely marry you and become Mrs. Mauro!" I almost shouted while tears of happiness were rolling down my cheeks. I kissed him "I love you" I whispered almost thinking that I was really dreaming. "I love you too Mrs. Mauro" he said and kissed back.

#band blog #band imagines #bands #fanfic #imagine #motionless in white #vinny mauro

[bazwillendinflames]

Hey there, got a Halloween prompt for you: Ryan and Dylan meet-cute, with Ryan taking his little sister out for trick-or-treating? Happy Halloween!👻🎃

It had taken almost half an hour, interrupted by other kids starting trick or treating, but they were finally ready.

Sarah was in green overalls over one of Ryan’s old white polo shirts, a little ribbon at her neck. She’s accessorized with a tea pot on her head and a frog plushie she’d been claiming to be too old for a week ago. Not that Ryan wanted to remind her. At thirteen, Sarah would be too old for Halloween soon too. Or at least Halloween with her older brother tagging along.

“You forgot something,” Sarah said, tugging on his sleeve.

Sarah held out the red cone that they’d constructed yesterday, still held together with the excess amount of hot glue used. It would complete his insomnia of his white shirt, suspenders, mismatched shoes and blue cape (knitted by their grandmother) for Ryan’s Wirt costume.

“Thanks.”

Ryan was finally aware he looked a little dorky but Sarah had begged him to match with her and he’d never been good at saying no to her. Even as their grandparents took photos - first with their ancient Polaroid camera, then a blurry one on Ryan’s phone - his smile wasn’t forced at all.

“Come on,” Sarah said impatiently, pulling on his wrist again. “I heard the clowns on Mary’s road are giving out full sized Twix.”

“Clowns?”

“Scary clowns,” Sarah added. She rolled her eyes - yeah, definitely a teenager now.

Their night went well. Sarah got plenty of candy and graciously handed off whatever she didn’t like onto Ryan. Her dislike of peanut M&M meant his own collection wasn’t too bad as they walked home.

“Can we watch Hocus Pocus later?”

“Again? We watched it last night.”

“Ryannnn-“ Sarah pleaded. “You know it’s my favourite film.”

They had finally reached their street and all of Ryan’s self consciousness came flooding back at once as he spotted a group he recognised from college. They were all dressed as various forms of pirates, trying to squeeze together for a photo.

Sarah caught him looking. “Uh Ry? You stopped.”

He shook it off. “I’m fine.”

Sarah raised an eyebrow. “Sure.”

Ryan hurried his step. “Hey, if we hurry home we might have time for both Hocus Pocus films.”

“You’re being weird,” Sarah said, quickening her pace to follow him.

They weren’t fast enough. They passed the group just as a gust of wind knocked off Ryan’s hat and left it rolling right at the feet of one of the guys in the group.

“Hey, here,” he said, far more chill Ryan was.

It got worse. Ryan recognised him from his literature class. He’d forgotten his copy of pride and prejudice and they’d had to shuffle together and read about Mr Darcy’s failed proposal.

“Thanks.”

“You guys look cool!” Sarah said. “Right Ry?”

“Right,” Ryan agreed.

Despite how chilled he seemed, Ryan’s literature partner had to be prodded by the shirt girl next to him into answering too.

“You too! I love Over The Garden Wall.”

“You do?” Ryan asked, after spending the whole night explaining their costumes. “It’s one of my favourite shows, with all the Byron inspiration and the darker tones-“ Ryan stopped. “Sorry.”

The guy smiled at him. “Don’t. You’re cute when you ramble.”

“Smooth.”

The girl next to him snickered. “Dorks.”

“Ignore her,” he said.

“Ryan,” Sarah said. “Quit flirting, you promised me two Hocus Pocus films!”

“See you later,” Ryan said.

“Wait-“ the guy said, prompting them to turn around. He was suddenly flustered. “Happy Halloween.”

“Happy Halloween,” Ryan said back.

Once they had parted again, he overheard the group again.

“You call that flirting Dylan?”

“That’s the guy you were gushing over?” Another girl said. “He doesn’t seem very brooding.”

“Shut up, shut up, shut up-“

Sarah punched his arm. “You are such a dork.”

After being a dork had gotten him a smile from another cute dork, Ryan wasn’t really offended.

#asks #the quarry #the quarry fic #dylan leviny #ryan erzahler #rylan #Radioheads

[alwayslovingharry]

True Love

A/N: I don't want to spoiler but I'd like to say that if you're expecting a handsome green-eyed, curly-haired guy to show up soon, you're going to be disappointed. He's going to be wanted for a while in this story, if you want to see him you'll have to wait a bit longer…but I think the wait will be worth it.

I also want to remind you that everyone is free to comment what they want about the story and ask me any question, you can also ask me for any blurb or one-shot idea, you are free to do it and I would be happy to answer you.

previous part

PAIRING: Harry Styles x Hailey Foster (1Dmember!reader)

WORD COUNT: 5.7k

WARNING: Not an english native speaker.

SUMMARY: It's Jack and Hailey's Valentine's Day dinner but everything takes an unexpected turn.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

14/03/2017

As I imagined, the restaurant looked completely full from its windows when we arrived. It was one of the most famous restaurants in London and it’s expected to be packed on a day like Valentine's Day. As we walk into the reception of the restaurant, I see a couple of girls waiting for the maitre of the restaurant, hugging each other and whispering in each other's ears while giggling.

I wish I could be like them right now

Jack is not a cuddly person, he doesn't like public displays of affection either, when we are in the street he avoids kissing, hugging and petting, at the most he takes my hand while we walk together from time to time. At home it doesn't change much either, she doesn't like to cuddle at all and doesn't like to start playful situations in which we end up kissing and caressing each other. 

I am a person who loves a lot physical contact, cuddling, kissing…I can show better my feelings with actions than with words. But Jack is the most physically and emotionally detached person I have ever met. He's really proper and formal, sometimes, even if he's only two years older than me, he's more like a gentleman on the verge of retirement than a 25-year-old.

"Hailey, honey," Jack calls my attention, bringing me back to reality and seeing that the girls are gone and there's a guy who must be the waiter right in front of us.

"Sorry."

"Let me show you where your table is." the waiter says as he turns around and starts walking to the dining room followed by us.

The restaurant looks even more crowded than it seems from the windows. All the tables are full, almost all of them occupied by couples celebrating Valentine's Day. Our waiter leads us to one of the few empty tables in the middle of the room and pulls out one of the two chairs so I can sit down. I take off my jacket and the waiter picks it up and places it carefully on the back of the chair.

"Thank you very much," I reply as I sit down, smoothing my dress.

"I'll bring you our menus now, but do you already have in mind what you're going to have to drink?

"What red wines do you recommend?" asks Jack as the boy pulls a notebook out of his apron and reads one of the pages.

"We have a 2013 M. Chapoutier reserve which is a hit but yesterday we had a 2015 Marques de Riscal wine arrive from Spain which must be very good, but I can bring the wine menu if you like. "

"No need, bring a bottle of Spanish wine, I've always heard that Spanish wines are the best." orders my boyfriend while the waiter just nods and writes the order in his notebook.

"For me a bottle of still water please," I ask just before he turns and walks away, nodding in my direction again as he goes back to writing in his notebook. 

Jack and I are silent again, with the sound of the conversations going on around us in the background. A few minutes later the boy returns with our drinks and hands us each a menu. The boy opens my bottle of water and pours some into my water glass, then uncorks the wine and pours some into Jack's glass. Just before he sets the wine on the table he asks me if I want him to serve me, to which I decline.

"Pour it," Jack asks, making the waiter look at me with a blank expression on his face.

"Jack, I don't want wine, I don't really like it so you don't need to serve me," I reply looking at the waiter.

"It's a special night, so pour the wine in her glass because we're going to celebrate."

"Jack..."

"One glass isn't going to do anything to you, Hailey."

"Okay." I concede to avoid arguing further, letting the waiter pour the wine into one of my other empty glasses .

"I'll be back in a few minutes to take your order," the waiter replies, about to turn away, but Jack stops him.

"I know what we're having, you don't need to go, I'll have Wellington beef while the lady will have a pea and garlic soup. That's it, you can go."

I remain silent as the boy picks up our cards and leaves. Jack hasn't even asked what I wanted. I don't even know what the hell a pea is! He's barely spoken to me, but he's decided everything without even asking my opinion. I decide not to complain to him, because I know who he is and I know it will be in vain. 

I watch as he picks up his phone again, on the way to the restaurant he hasn't even said a word to me because he's been on his stupid phone the whole time. It's Valentine's Day and he hasn't even said I love you or told me if he likes the way I look or not. Tears start to blur my vision and I think I'd better go to the bathroom to avoid anyone seeing me crying. 

"I'm going to the restroom, I'll be right back." I say getting up from my chair and walking away from our table without waiting for him to answer. 

I walk towards the bathroom, it's not the first time I've been in this restaurant and I don't have to ask any of the waiters where they are. I walk quickly, keeping my eyes on the floor to avoid anyone seeing me and recognizing me. 

"Hailey!"

Hearing my name behind me I turn around, finding my mother smiling at me a few feet away as she walks towards me. Her hair is in a high ponytail and she's wearing a dark green dress paired with high heels. She walks with confidence and her head held high, as I have often seen her walk around the company offices. 

"Mum?" I answer as she gives me a big hug, taking advantage of the moment when I return her embrace to wipe the tears from my eyes without her seeing me. 

"You look stunning, sweetheart, how are you? How's Valentine's Day? And Jack? "

"Jack is at the table, I was going to go to the bathroom before they bring our food. What are you doing here? 

"Your elderly parents are still celebrating Valentine's Day, believe it or not, daughter" jokes mum, still smoothing my dress and putting my hair back in place. 

"Dad's here?"

" Of course, Valentine's Day is one of the days I can drag him out of his office or out of the company." 

"I should go say hi to him, I haven't seen him since Christmas."

"No need honey, I'm sure Jack wants you to hurry back to the table for your Valentine's Day dinner. "

"I think the only situation he'd want me back quickly would be if I brought him a charger when his phone is dying, he's barely said a word to me all night, so, I doubt it." I say wryly. 

"I'm sure he's just nervous, you know he only asks the question once in his life, after that it's all normal. "

I remain silent, analysing what my mother has said. Question? No...no...NO. 

"Mum, what question does Jack have to ask me?" I watch as Mom gets nervous and starts playing with a ring on her hand. 

"I think I should get back to your dad, honey, have a nice dinner... "she replies starting to turn to leave, but I grab her wrist carefully, forcing her not to be able to leave. 

"Jack's going to propose? Now?"

"Sweety, it was a surprise, you shouldn't know, I've been such a big mouth" mum replies with a smile but I notice how my whole body tenses up and a cold sweat runs down my back. "At Christmas he asked your father for permission and told us he was going to propose on Valentine's Day. But we're here purely by chance, we didn't know you were coming here. "

I feel something squeezing my chest, preventing me from breathing normally. I knew Jack wanted to propose, his mother warned me months ago when I attended one of his snob parties, but I didn't think he'd do it so quickly.

I thought I'd have more time.

"Hailey, are you okay?" my mum asks me with concern.

"No...I'm fine, it just caught me a little off guard," I try to smile, hoping my mum won't ask anymore, "You know, they don't usually tell me that my boyfriend wants to propose every day."

"I can imagine, when your dad proposed I was so surprised that I stared at him for five minutes straight not knowing what to say. And I'm not exaggerating!"

"I'm sure it was very special."

"Any situation is always special if the person you're with is special to you. You just have to make sure you don't make a mistake."

"What if it's not so easy to be with that special person?" 

"Do you think that person is worth it?"

"I think... yes?" I answer hesitantly.

"Fight for them, no matter what."

"What if it all ends badly and I lose everything and then there's nothing?"

"Hailey, is something going on with Jack?" I know my mum wouldn't say anything if I told everything that's going through my head right now, but I don't want her to worry about me.

"It's okay, don't worry mum," mum just nods, accepting that I'm not going to say anything else, "I think you're right, I'll go back to our table with Jack, they'll be about to bring the food.

"I'll talk to you later sweetie," Mum replies, taking my right hand in hers and giving it a little squeeze. "Enjoy your dinner and say hi to Jack for me."

"Say hi to dad for me too."

Giving me one last smile, my mother disappears from my sight, leaving me in the middle of the restaurant. I feel the nerves weighing heavy in the pit of my stomach, I don't want to go back to the table but I don't have a choice either. With slow steps, I walk back to the table, Jack is still on his phone but our food is already on the table. 

I sit back in my chair and Jack finally blocks and leaves his phone on the table, for the first time that night. He stares at me, but I decide to fix my gaze on the green soup in front of me. 

Maybe if I ignore him, nothing will happen. 

I start eating my soup, which tastes as strange as its green colour. I've never been a fan of soup, even less if it's a green coloured like this one.

I take a couple of spoonfuls, without looking up from my plate when suddenly, while digging around with my spoon, I can feel something hard at the bottom of the bowl. Carefully, I try to scoop up whatever it is with the spoon, hoping it's not something disgusting from the kitchen.

It takes me a while, but when I manage to pull it out, I almost let it fall back into the soup. In the green liquid I can make out the shiny stone of a ring. I notice how all the soup I've eaten before wants to come out of my mouth.

"I know this may come as a surprise, but we've been together for so many years that it seemed like the best time to pop the question. Will you marry me?" I hear Jack speak, but I can't look away from the ring, which is still on the spoon.

I can't do it, I can't do it.

"Hailey, are you okay?" Jack asks, and I can feel him try to move his hand closer to the one I'm holding on the table, but I quickly push it away.

I finally look up, seeing Jack looking at me expectantly at my answer. I feel like if my head keeps spinning, it's going to explode. I can't help but think about the conversation I had with Harry in the dressing room. And everything I've talked about with Louis and Liv today...what my mum just said to me and....

"I can't," I whisper so low I can barely hear myself.

"What?"

"I can't, I'm sorry Jack, but I can't right now." I repeat dropping the spoon onto the plate and quickly pulling my chair away from the table, standing up.

"What? Why?" asks Jack as I put my jacket back on, grabbing my bag. "Hailey, where are you going? Talk to me, please." 

"I need to breathe..."

"I'll walk you out and we'll talk."

"No!" I almost shout, drawing even more attention from the surrounding tables, so I lower my voice and crouch down a little towards Jack." I need to clear my head, be alone and...think. A lot.

"I just proposed and you're sneaking out on me, I need an explanation or at least you're not just going to walk away.

"I also need a lot of things too but I can't have them," I reply, picking up my phone from the table and walking away from her. 

I walk towards the exit of the restaurant, ignoring Jack calling me from our table and calling an Uber to go home. Walking out to the entrance of the restaurant, I find my father talking on the phone, staying under the restaurant's entrance awning to hide from the rain. 

"I have to hang up, Ronald, I'll call you first thing in the morning." My dad replies to whoever he's talking to, hanging up his call and walking over to me as he tucks his phone into his suit. "Hailey..."

"I just stood Jack up at our table, after he proposed to me."

I clench my phone tightly in my hands, being watched by my dad as I speak. 

"I haven't said yes or no to him, but he can take it more as a no because I know I don't want to marry someone who I'm absolutely certain isn't the love of my life and can never become so."

My father is silent for a few seconds after I finish speaking. He has always made it clear that he doesn't like his two children to be artists, forced to lead a life we don't always want because of our public image. He would have preferred us to follow in his footsteps in the company and not complicate our lives so much.

"And what are you going to do now?" he asks me as he folds his arms across his chest.

"I'm going to go home and-"

"I don't mean what are you going to do right now, Hailey. What are you going to do now that you've stood up your boyfriend in there? What's going to happen now?"

"I...I don't know, I need to think and clear my head before I do anything or think about what's going to happen," I reply running a hand over my face wearily." I just hope my managers don't find out about this right away, I really hope they didn't recognise us after the little number in there and I have to do damage control for them...because I really don't want it to look like everything is going great with Jack. And now I don't need your usual speech about how this wouldn't happen to me if I'd followed in your footsteps at the company, please."

“I wasn't going to say anything like that, sweetheart," my father walks over to me and wraps me in his arms in one of his typical bear hugs, "I've long understood that I can't control your decisions, you're trying to find your own happiness and I can only support you in that, but I can't watch you suffer like this. I know you're a mature person, aware of what you want and that you'll do anything to get it, but I hate that you let them play with your life like this.“

My father keeps hugging me until we hear a car pull up at the entrance of the restaurant, when I look up, I see it's the Uber I ordered. I pull away from my dad's embrace but I don't pull away before leaving a kiss on his cheek. 

"I have to go, my Uber is here," my dad runs his thumb across my cheek and leaves a kiss on my forehead.

"If you need anything, mum and I are just a phone call away, Hails."

"I love you dad."

"And I love you too,my little girl."

Forcing a smile before turning and walking quickly through the rain to the waiting Uber. I get in, waving to the driver, an older man who waves back. I turn my head towards the car window, watching as my father still watches me from the restaurant and waves goodbye. I mimic his action as well, waving goodbye as the car starts and I finally feel the tears fall freely down my cheeks. 

On the way home, I don't take my eyes off the car window, watching the raindrops fall and slide down the glass as the tears run down my cheeks. My mobile keeps vibrating, Jack's contact on the screen all the time. 

After about 15 calls, just as I'm about to turn my phone off to stop him from calling again, the car pulls up in front of my house. The driver turns around for the first time that night, giving me a friendly smile before he gets out of the car and opens the door to my seat so I can get out. 

"I hope you have a good night," he says as he holds the door open. 

"Likewise, thank you, have a good night." I reply as I start walking through my garden towards my house, it's no longer raining like it was when I left the restaurant. 

"Wait" I hear from behind me as I am about to walk up the front steps, I turn around, finding the uber man with the driver's door open and about to get in." I know it's not something I should care about and I wouldn't want to sound nosy but I'd like to tell you that if the guy or girl you've run away from was really worth it, they wouldn't be calling and they would be here waiting for you with an apology . They don't deserve your tears. "

"That was sweet, thank you, sir." I say as he gets back into the car, starting it up and driving away. 

When I no longer see the car on my street, I turn around again, walking up the stairs and into my house. I close the door, leaning my back against it, and let myself slide down the wood until I end up sitting on the floor. I take off my heels, tossing them somewhere in the doorway. 

My phone rings again, Jack appears on the screen again. This time I hang up on him directly, hoping he'll understand once and for all that I'm not going to pick up his stupid calls. 

I get up from the floor and start to walk slowly up the stairs, walking to my room. I throw my phone on the bed and go to my dresser, where I take off my jacket and dress and change into my comfy pajamas. From the dressing room I go to the bathroom, remove my make-up and brush my teeth. 

As I'm taking off the hairstyle Liv made for me, I hear several notifications come through my phone in a row. When I finish taking everything off and put it in a ponytail to go to sleep, I go back to my room but I don't even look at the screen that's on. I go to my dressing table and put my earrings in a jewellery box on top of it, staring at the flowers Harry sent me. 

I stroke a petal and smile at the thought of Harry's attention to detail. I turn and bend down to pull the box of things he sent me out from under the bed and put them on top of it. 

I sit on the bed with the intention of looking through the box but my phone rings again. Not wanting Jack to call again, I reach out my arm ready to finally turn the phone off but when I see the number ID I don't. 

I simply pick up the phone, placing it to my ear waiting for him to speak first. 

"Hailey." 

"What's up Louis, why are you calling again?" I ask. 

"The asshole that calls himself your boyfriend called me 3 times in the middle of a meeting with the record label. When I finally got out of the meeting and picked up on the fourth time he yelled 'where the fuck is Hailey' before I hung up, so yeah, I think something did happen so you're telling me what’s happening because your tone of voice doesn't give me any good feelings from here either."

"Lou, you said you were in a meeting, it's not that important, if you want I can call you tomorrow afternoon. "

"No, I just got out of one and you're more important so you tell me." while Louis is talking I unmold my bed, getting into it and pulling the box with the presents closer to me." Where are you now? 

"I took an Uber from the restaurant, I had to get out of there, I felt like I was going to drown."

"What happened?" 

"He did it, he proposed."

Louis is one of the few people I'd told about how Jack's mother had warned me that her son wanted to propose to me soon.

"He put the ring in my soup, just left it in my plate for me to find and popped the question in front of the whole restaurant. "

"A horrible proposal, wasn't it? "

"Indeed, the worst thing is that my parents were also in the restaurant and I met them. First my mother on her way to the bathroom and then my father in the middle of the Uber getaway. "

"Did your parents know I was going to do it? "

"My mother told me that yes, Jack had asked permission to propose to my father at Christmas and that he had told them he would do it on Valentine's Day, but they didn't know anything about him doing it at that restaurant...my mother talked to me about how everything would be special with the right person and when Jack popped the question I couldn't stop thinking about what she said. Also about all our conversations, what Liv has told me and most of all I couldn't stop thinking about how desperate Harry looked in the dressing room when I told him I knew Jack wanted to ask me to marry him. 

"Wait," he interrupts me, "you told Harry that you knew Jack wanted to propose? He didn't tell me anything.

"I don't really know why I told him, I didn't even think about it at the time. But, oh my God, Harry in the dressing room almost got down on his knees begging me not to say yes and Jack hasn't even been able to say one fucking I love you to me in his proposal, not even all night, Louis. How can I not compare that?"

"Wait a minute Hails" Louis says and then I hear some voices talking in the distance arguing and Louis speaks again." Fuck, I don't want to have to hang up on you now but.... 

"They need you. "I complete and I can just imagine Louis nodding his head with the phone to his ear. "I understand Lou, it doesn't really matter. 

"Tomorrow as soon as I wake up I'll call you and we'll talk about all this, I promise. "

"Okay." 

"I feel terrible for leaving you like this, it's Valentine's Day, you shouldn't be spending it alone and bitter about some jerk."

"I'm not bitter and I'm probably going to go to sleep now, I need to. "

" Well, I'll call you tomorrow and we'll talk. "

" All right." 

"Don't shed any more tears for that asshole in the suit. He doesn't deserve you." 

"I love you, Lou. "

"And so do I, Hails. 

“ Good night, Lou. “ I say goodbye and hang up, feeling a little better after talking to Louis. 

I silence my phone, leaving it face down on my bedside table. I settle back into my bed, adjusting myself on my pillows as I place Harry's box on top of my legs. The first thing I take when I open it is the little envelope that came with the flowers. 

I open it carefully so as not to tear it and see that there is only a card with a sunflower print on it. I take it out of the envelope and turn the paper over, instantly recognising Harry's handwriting. 

Sunflower

My eyes, want you more than a melody

Let me inside

Wish I could get to know you

H :) 

Is it a poem or a verse? I put the card back in its place and leave it on the bedside table, next to my phone and I go back to the box and take the notebooks. They are very similar, both are black with different little pictures of stars and planets drawn on their covers, they also both have a little golden string between their pages to mark the pages. 

But the big difference is that one of them seems to be more worn, as if someone had used it a lot but with care not to damage it too much. I decide to open it, taking a little peek inside. Suddenly, as I turn the pages, a small note falls into my lap. When I pick it up, I see Harry's handwriting again, of course. 

These are ideas, songs, texts or phrases I've written since I met you. I don't want to sound like a stalker, but if you read it there are a great majority of things that you can relate to you or to things that have happened to me around you, you were the great inspiration for everything I've done. 

You are my muse. 

H.

PS. These aren't everything I've written about you because I'm so selfish and so dependent on what I've written that I can't separate myself from it. I promise I'll show it to you sometime, if you want. 

I feel the tears come to my eyes again, but this time I don't mind crying. I find it very sweet that Harry sends me one of his notebooks containing his ideas and thoughts, what's in it can be very personal and I'm happy that he trusts me enough to give it to me as a gift.  

I leave the notebook on my bedside table next to the envelope of flowers, it's better to read and research it when I'm not as tired and emotionally broken as I am today. I pick up the other notebook and turn the pages quickly back and forth, finding the first page of the notebook with another note.

 In the dressing room you told me that you were taking some time off from composing and making your music. My notebooks always contain everything from songs to nonsense scribbles to shopping lists. 

I'm giving you this notebook so you can do exactly that, use it however you want and carry it with you everywhere you go in case a song idea comes into your head, you want to draw something or you want to write down your shopping list. You choose how to use it. 

I hope you like the idea and use it. 

H. 

I smile as I read Harry's words, I can just imagine him rambling as he thought about what to put in the notebook, trying to explain himself in the best possible way. I leave the second notebook on top of the first one, thinking that maybe the idea of writing music again after more than a year without doing it wouldn't be so bad. 

Now only the envelope and the little box are left, I take the little box, hoping that in the envelope there is a letter that will make me cry, so I leave it for the end. But as I open the box I instantly regret it, picking up a thin chain from the bottom along with another piece of paper. I look at the pendant, instantly recognising it as the moon necklace that until a few seconds ago I thought I had lost forever.

Carefully, I place the necklace around my neck and fasten the clasp, making sure it is securely closed. Watching as the pendant is back in place after so long, I can barely stop the urge to cry with happiness. I take a deep breath and I take the paper that was under the necklace, I pick up a paper that was under the collar, unfolding it to discover that it does indeed seem to be a letter.

I remember like it was yesterday when we saw the matching necklaces in that market on one of our first trips to London together just after we finished XFactor. We ran away from the bodyguards and we went to this market which was full of handicrafts and people. I don't know how we disguised ourselves in the crowd, but we were lucky they didn't recognise us or it would have been chaos. 

You saw first my necklace with the sun pendant and insisted that I should buy it because I was a sun in the life of the people who knew and loved me. You were so determined to buy it that when you asked the man at the stall its price, your face almost broke my heart when he told you that he couldn't sell it individually from its twin necklace.

Without another word, he went to the back of the stall and came back shortly with a smaller silver necklace with a moon on it. I knew I would have no trouble convincing you to take the moon necklace, but I still said "the sun cannot exist without a moon by its side during the darkest nights". 

In the end I don't know how I managed to do it, but I paid for them in spite of all your complaints and screams, I think this necklace was my first gift to you that wasn't for your birthday or Christmas. 

When you arrived one day during the recording of the last album saying that you had lost it, I felt terrible. This pendant was as important to you as it is to me. 

When I went back to that same studio to start my album, one afternoon I went alone to the room where you loved to compose and play so much. Where you would disappear by yourself for hours until one of the guys or myself would come to your rescue to get you something to eat. It was while I was looking for a pick that I had dropped on the floor between some guitars when I found your pendant. I don't understand how it could still be there after so long. 

It had a broken clasp, so I had it fixed and cleaned. I thought the best idea was to return it to its owner, after all it belongs to you and I would like you to be able to wear it again whenever you want. 

It would make me very happy if you could wear it again.

H. 

P.S. I still wear mine, even if I can't at some time, I always try to wear it. (so this is the idea I have of the necklaces, pretty simple both of them)

With the back of my hand, I wipe away the tears that fall down my cheeks. I read the letter again, remembering perfectly the moment when Harry bought the pendants and the day I realised I had lost mine. I fold the letter again and put it and the box with the chain on it back on top of the notebooks. 

Now only the big envelope is left so I take it out of the box it came in and put it on the floor next to my bed. I look at the envelope and turn it over so I can open it, but inside I don't find what I was expecting. Careful not to leave my fingerprints on it, I take the photo out of the envelope and look at it. 

It's in black and white, but I recognise it instantly. It's me and Harry with our backs turned, looking up at the sky when we were in Sydney during the Take Me Home tour. 

There was a time when I was too much in love with it, to the point that the small tattoo of a moon and shooting star I have on the side of my right wrist is inspired by the moon and the plane in the sky in the photo. 

I remember being with all the guys enjoying one of our few days off in Sydney Harbour. It had just got dark, Louis and Liam had gone to get something to eat at a nearby fast food stall while the rest of us waited in a secluded part of the harbour. Niall and Zayn started to play the guitar that Niall had brought with him, while the stars started to appear and Harry started to explain to me how he loved astrology as a child, starting to tell me what he knew about the constellations of the southern hemisphere and the differences with the northern ones. Zayn took advantage of the fact that we were distracted and took this picture of us, he always complained about the poor quality of the picture but Harry and I loved it.

I turn the photo around, finding on the back a sentence written in Harry's handwriting. 

Can we ever be again just the moon, you and me? 

H. ♡ 

Careful not to crumple it, I hold the photo close to my chest in a mock hug, trying not to fold it either. Harry deserves to know the truth, that we're not together because of my contracts, that I love him and that he's the right person and that I've always known it. 

After a while, I leave the photo with the rest of the presents on my bedside table and turn off the light in my room to go to sleep with the idea of telling Harry everything in my head. 

to continue...

next part

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Thanks for reading and I hope you liked it, please leave any comments or leave a like it if you enjoyed it.

See you soon :)

#harry styles one shot #harry styles #harry styles fanfic #harry styles soft fanfic #harry #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles x famous!reader #music #one direction #styles #happy #harry styles x reader #harry styles x y/n #harry styles x singer!reader #harry styles x model!reader

[miras-ash]

Chapter 9 of "Just as the stars love the night"

Mira's pov

"Liz? Lizzie!" Someone shouted from the other side of the large helicopter cargo bay and came walking quickly toward us. It was Hibana. She dropped to her knees beside me, gently took Eliza's face in her hands and stroked her cheeks with her thumbs.

With moisty eyes, she then looked at me.

"Why is she so cold? Why is she still unconscious? Mira what's happening to her?"

It was the first time in months that I saw her so upset and it made me anxious too. Thank God Doc came to the rescue.

"She's weak and Finka gave her an adrenaline boost to get her through, her body is exhausted. When we get to Nighthaven, we'll know more."

"Why Nighthaven? She has to go back home to us, right?"

Obviously Yumiko was a little out of it, or so it seemed so I took her in my arms to comfort her, that was something I had to remind myself lately, Yumi and Eliza were like sisters. Of course it was just as hard for her as it was for me. Even though I wanted to stay with Eliza, I trusted that she was safe so I took Hibana and sat with her a little further away. My arm around her shoulder, she leaned her head against mine and closed her eyes and I closed mine.

I really didn't want to fall asleep, but I was so damn tired.

When I woke up the last ones were packing up everything and leaving the helicopter. I rubbed my eyes and looked around, she was gone. I jumped up and ran, only to bump directly into Yumiko and Jordan.

"Where is she, where did they take her?"

I quickly tried to run past them but didn't get very far because they stopped me together.

"Mira you need to calm down, they took her to the infirmary right away, she's probably already in surgery. Remember she is in good hands. Gustave will take care of her himself and Nighthaven has fabulous doctors too. There's nothing you can do now anyway."

And that was the problem, I was once again powerless. Anyway, this was all my fault, if she hadn't left instead of me, I would be lying there now fighting for my life.

"That's not fair. She didn't deserve that."

Somewhat confused, they both looked at me.

"Of course not and that was never the point. She was just damn unlucky but at the same time incredibly lucky, after all she's still alive and back with us now."

Now it was up to Yumiko, she took me in her arms and hugged me tightly and it felt incredibly good.

Together we went inside where Ela was waiting for us, she led us to the common room which was a bit crowded because Nighthaven and Rainbow Operator met there together. What an unusual sight. Yesterday we were two rival almost enemy units and today we had worked and sat peacefully together.

We sat down at a free table and took off our still wet and cold armor. That would have to do, I would have plenty of time to change later. Someone handed out hot coffee and tea to everyone and small groups formed which now chatted boisterously with each other. Again and again, my old and new colleagues came by to inquire about me and wish me well, which drove me crazy and again and again I looked at the clock. Time passed so incredibly slowly.

Suddenly a small bright scream, startled I looked over to the door. Pulse was standing there, holding little Maho in his arms, who hurriedly came towards me and threw herself into my arms.

"Aunt Lena!!! We haven't seen each other for so long. Dad told me that you are here and also mom and Jordan and.... And then... And there are soooo many here!"

She barely managed to put it all into words. She jumped around on my lap and looked at me with big, shining eyes.

"And Dad said that Auntie Lizzie is here?! He said something really bad happened and that's why everyone thought she was gone forever but it was all just a big misunderstanding. He said she is really sick and she has to go to the doctor now."

It was all a bit much at once, I loved Maho but I was overwhelmed. How could I explain to a child what had happened? I could hardly handle it myself.

Yumiko probably saw what was going on and took her daughter in her arms.

"Hey baby, Aunt Lena is really tired. She's been on duty all day and is just waiting to see Auntie Lizzie and then it's off to bed for her. Speaking of bed... What are you doing here?"

Maho blushed and tried to avoid her mother's gaze.

"I was supposed to be sleeping, but I was so excited so I snuck past dad and when he caught me I said "please" until we got here."

Yumiko gave Jack a quick glance and then turned her attention back to Maho.

She's grown so much in the last few months and seeing her now brought out feelings of guilt in me. Only half a year ago she had been with us so often, stayed over, been on trips with us but after Eliza's supposed passing I had withdrawn too much, had no time left except for work. Damn it! Another thing I had screwed up.

The room emptied more and more from hour to hour. Meanwhile it became three o'clock in the morning and except the small kitchen radio it was quiet. Most of the people had already gone to bed, Kali had also provided rooms for her guests. After all her base was big enough.

Only she, Hibana and I were still there, waiting for something to happen. Another hour later, there was a knock on the door and a visibly exhausted Doc was standing there. I jumped up and went to meet him. The other two followed my lead.

I imagined the most horrible things, he would say she had not made it and that they had done everything but it had not been enough in the end. I felt dizzy, I had been awake for almost 30 hours now, apart from my little nap in the helicopter. I hadn't eaten anything since then either and the stress. I closed my eyes and tried to brace myself for the worst. Doc's voice just barely got through to me.

"It wasn't easy, but she'll survive."

#rainbow six siege #ash #r6 ash #tom clancy #eliza cohen #mira x ash #r6s mira #mira #ash x mira #mirash #r6 fanfiction #fanfiction

[queeniecook]

"Full Circle" - Part 1

I had an amazing time with Pak for his Birthday.

So why did I have to dream of him?

I didn't understand it. It hurt, seeing him even in dream form. Why did I dream of him after one of the best days of my life?

I handled it like any sane person would do. I put on something pretty and went on a walk around town. I harvested some mushrooms and thought things over. Maybe it was my subconscious' way of telling me to careful with my heart. To remind me of what can happen. Or maybe it was trying to get me to finally deal with the whole Brandon thing. So I could have a chance to move forward with my life. I was going to end up alone and childless if I didn't let anyone in.

Later on that day, Pak came over for our weekly Yoga and Meditation get together.

"You seem....distracted." He said to me. I guess I had been quiet and not really paying attention to his story about some old lady's pet lizard being stuck in a tree.

I bit my bottom lip and thought about telling him about my dream and about some of my past.

He grasped my hand, squeezing it gently. "Hey, whatever it is...if you want to talk about it. I'll listen." He offered.

I was on the verge of tears. He was being very supportive and sweet. It was hard me to try to say something about Brandon. I had never really talked about it, to anyone. Except a few things to Cleo. Besides telling Pak that things ended badly with someone in the past. That was as close as I had gotten.

"I had a dream this morning....about my ex whatever he was." I told him softly. I blew out a breath and felt a few tears escape my eyes.

Pak wiped away my tears with his fingers. He remained quiet, giving me a chance to speak if I wanted to.

"I wasn't expecting it. The dream. Especially after the great time we had yesterday." I said, managing a small smile. Yesterday's memories were good. "But he pops up every now and then. I hate it. I haven't even seen him in a few years and he's still ruining my life." I told Pak, sniffling. "It's not fair. Hasn't he done enough? I loved him so much. I would have done almost anything for him and he just...." I trailed off and stared into space, beyond Pak's shoulder. I was starting to feel numb. "I waited for him. In so many ways." I whispered. And I had. I waited for him that night. I waited for him for years, for him to notice me beyond friendship. I hadn't realized it at the time, but I had even waited for him when it came to my virginity.

Pak hugged me tightly, but not enough to hurt me. I clung to him and closed my eyes, taking comfort in the hug. In him. He rubbed my back gently. We stood there like that for minutes. I wasn't sure how long.

I was the one to break the hug. I looked at him and before I could stop myself...

I kissed him. I wasn't sure why I did, just that I wanted to. It was a few moments before my brain really caught up with what I had done and I tried to pull away.

But he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me closer to him, not letting the kiss end. He was kissing me back. More than that, he was showing me that he wasn't rejecting me. That he wanted to kiss me too.

We probably would have gone on kissing, if his phone hadn't rung. He was on call for his job that night. We parted and he grabbed his phone, staring me down as I tried to wrap my head around what just happened.

"I have to go in, one of the dolphins is in labor." He told me.

I nodded, I was kind of disappointed. But it was probably a good thing. I might have gotten carried away. I wasn't thinking straight. But I did know for sure that I wanted to kiss Pak again. That I enjoyed it. It made me happy.

Pak grabbed me and dipped me. I let out a very unladylike scream.

"What are you doing?!" I asked him, shocked.

"Sweeping you off your feet." He replied, smirking.

He gave me one heck of a goodbye kiss. He eventually let me stand back up and promised he'd text later, before leaving.

"I am so screwed." I muttered to myself after he left. I just stood there for a while, stunned stupid. I couldn't believe that had just happened. But for some reason, I couldn't get rid of the smile on my face. I was getting in deep. But that night, I didn't seem to care.

next ->

#the grant legacy #ts4 legacy #evie grant #paka'a uha #brandon puggles #generation 1 #ts4 #sims4 #simsstories #ts4 story #sims4 story #sims4 storytelling

[inairbinad]

Steve Harrington x Eddie Munson; WIP; Rated E

It's January 1999, and it's been almost thirteen years since the Upside Down has been closed off for good. Steve and Robin now live together in New York City, and may be flailing a little bit when it comes to their personal lives.

When El asks Kali to use her powers to help Steve get his act together, he's in for a shock. Kali shows him a vision of a happier version of his life where Barb never died, and somehow as a result he ended up practically married to Eddie Munson.

In the end, Steve can't help but wonder if he's meant to be with Eddie in every universe.

read chapter 1 on ao3

excerpt under the cut

Steve barely managed to lift his head towards the bathroom door in time to see Eddie Munson come strolling through it, steam billowing out behind him, hair dripping onto his lean but broad shoulders, and with nothing but a towel slung low around his hips.

Steve’s mouth went very, very dry, and it was already at near-desert levels just from the hangover. He felt his heart rate pick up in an excited panic. Did he somehow manage to fuck Eddie Munson last night?

“Morning, sunshine,” Eddie smiled at him before grabbing another towel off the back of the door to dab at his long curls with, acting like he owned the place. He started humming again, some tune Steve couldn’t identify when his mind was making an audible whirring sound in between his ears.  

“See something you like?” Eddie asked when he caught Steve staring, jaw slackened.

This…couldn’t be right. Could it? Eddie seemed so cheerful. Just yesterday Robin had told Steve what a wreck Eddie was. Steve was very confident in his skills in bed, but there was no way he’d made Eddie this happy. What the hell had happened last night? How did Eddie even get here? Steve didn’t remember seeing him at Argyle’s party, or realize he was even in town. 

He was honestly going to be pretty pissed at himself if he’d slept with Eddie Munson and couldn’t even remember it.

“You okay, Stevie?” Eddie asked, face shifting towards something more concerned.

Steve watched Eddie stride towards his closet door, then did a double-take when it opened and revealed the contents. Steve took a moment to let his eyes adjust to what he was seeing; Eddie was very clearly rooting through his own clothes, haphazardly mixed in among Steve’s.

“I came home with you,” Eddie chuckled, looking over his shoulder. “You don’t remember?”

Steve thought back very hard to the night before, particularly the part where he left Jonathan and Argyle’s for home. He remembered Jonathan asking him to stay over…then what? Kali. 

“I thought Kali walked me home,” Steve answered, and Eddie barked out a laugh. 

“I mean, I know you don’t care too deeply about the difference between punk and metal, but come on, Stevie. We look nothing alike. I’m the one who hoisted your drunk ass up those stairs and into your pajamas last night.”

All that did was remind Steve that he didn’t recognize the pajamas he was wearing, either, in addition to all the new clothes in his closet. He felt like he might be hallucinating, so he didn’t really trust himself to speak anymore. He shook his head and regretted it immediately. 

“I keep telling you we can’t hold our liquor like we did when we were twenty-two and touring all the gay nightclubs,” Eddie grinned at him and pulled on a sweater that was definitely Steve’s. “Especially not in conjunction with Argyle’s weed. We’re old men now.”

The way Eddie said that made it sound distinctly like they’d been touring gay nightclubs together ten years ago. Except ten years ago they weren’t in touch even a little bit, because Eddie was touring the world and being a rockstar, while Steve was trying to put his life back together after getting dumped by Nancy for the second time. What the fuck kind of dream is this? Steve wondered. 

“Old men,” Steve swallowed drily. He needed about a gallon of water, he thought. “We sure are.”

Eddie padded over towards the bed, still barefoot but dressed now, and planted a chaste kiss against Steve’s lips. It was the kind of kiss Steve imagined you shared a thousand times without thinking about it, only with the kind of partner you were completely and utterly comfortable with. It was the kind of kiss you expected to give each morning to the person you planned to spend the rest of your life with. 

“I’ll go make coffee,” Eddie pulled his fingers through Steve’s hair in a way that made Steve want to curl up in Eddie’s lap and purr like a cat. “You clearly need it.”

#we're back #and still as fixated as ever #steddie #steddie fic #steddie fanfiction #steve harrington x eddie munson #petals in a storm #this one might update more slowly than falling awake did #but rest assured that i've got the whole thing plotted and half of it written already

[werewolf-hunter]

So I read Red, White & Royal Blue and here's my opinion on it:

In short: I really enjoyed it! I read through it in approximately 8 hours yesterday so the memory is still fresh. The rivals to lovers trope is one of my favorites so it wasn't very hard for me to enjoy. I liked the build up and even though I have no real concept of American Politics (as Henry said "Is that far?") and really, anything American lol it was still easy to understand, especially as an immigrant child in a foreign country.

If you're still here: Hi, hello, welcome to spoiler city! You have been warned!

I liked Alex well enough, loved Henry, and the entire character cast was enjoyable (well... Almost but more on that later) and unique. (Unique as in, everyone of them had different voices in my head and I never got confused about who is who because it was very well established, which in my opinion is a good sign!)

Plotwise it was not really the best book for me, I do not enjoy Queer Pain. If you also want something that does not center an outing without consent, the aftermath and somehow everyone brushing it aside this book may not be the best choice for you.

For clarity's sake: I am well aware that the characters do deal with the aftermath of Alex's outing but in my opinion it was pretty weak. It really felt more like "This sucks for your mom and oh yeah, you're here too lol" Alex got drunk about it and had a panic attack but other than that it wasn't treated with the caution it deserved.

Now, does that ruin the entire book for me? No. I love the banter between Henry and Alex, I love that they're allowed to be queer teenage boys who are in love and horny and stupid. I love that they don't shy away from (indirectly) criticizing how celebrities are treated as a main attraction at a zoo when it comes to their sexualities, as if they're someone's characters in a TV-Show. I also love that they weren't afraid to call it what it is (bisexuality) as I am also aware how much erasure the Bisexual community faces. Not only that, we also got male bisexual rep!

Let's talk about the parts that I did not enjoy as much.

The pacing was a bit awkward, you've had tons of build up between the main characters only to then have the reminder of american politics in between (it was off putting to say the least, suddenly we are talking about how to turn Texas Blue? I understand that this is part of the story but I do not have to like it.)

I did not enjoy Zharas character at all. That was a personal ick of mine, where it is seen as strong and cool and feminist to be a jerk to people. It was especially awful when Alex got drunk about his outing and the entire focus seemingly shifted to: "How can we fix this for your mom, so she can get elected again? Oh also you're here too but feelings later." This is not really the author's fault or flaw as (shocker) asshole characters exist, I just also don't have to like them. It felt flat, it felt rushed, there was no real time to process and grief, when there should've been. If you get outed nation-wide albeit in a safe enough environment (for Alex anyway, Henry was an entirely different story) the focus should be on exactly that.

I have a lot of words and none of them are fitting together well but english is not my first language and this ain't Goodreads so we're fine.

I loved the references to queer history because it is so, so important for young queer Kids and old, tired, queer people (like me lol) to remember that we existed, and we made it, that we loved and were loved since the dawn of time. (As a Hamilton enjoyer it was also a delight to see it mentioned lol)

In conclusion: I liked the book well enough. I would not want to read it a second time though, I will keep it in fond memories.

On a score it was a solid 3/5 for me. Hope you enjoyed this little review!

Cheers,

Cassian

#history huh #red white and royal blue #casey mcquiston #queer books #book review #book criticism

[marvelous-mushroom-lady]

Post Breakup Rant Incoming

I went through a break up late march and suddenly all of TS's songs make a terrible sense to me. I feel like this is my first true heart break, like he's the one that got away. I listen to Lizzy McAlpine music and it's not for fanfic inspo anymore.

I miss very simple things, like recognizing a show he might like and talk to him about it. I miss spending the weekend together in bed with his or my cats. I miss his two chubby cats. I miss his friends, they were all super nice to me and I felt like if we had more time we could become friends as well.

I miss seeing small things and trinkets that he would love. I miss telling him about my D&D sessions, planning games with him. I miss telling him about video games I liked and finding new ones we might play together.

This feels like friendship breakup on top of the regular breakup.

I'm currently changing my summer wardrobe and thinking how we were supposed to be moving in together around this time. I had to wait to see if we break up because my matress got too old and lumpy to sleep on. I told myself that if we move in I won't have to buy a new one.

Now I'm going to IKEA with my mom to look for a cheap option.

I'm buying my cat a new cat tree knowing she won't be sharing it with two older sisters. That she'll probably stay my only fur baby for a while.

I met him at a mutual friend hangout yesterday. I saw him but decided I'm too hurt to say Hi. I ignored him and felt good talking to different people. And then he came up to me and said hi himself. I don't know why he did that, why he thought it would be okay. He broke my facking adult lady heart and I made sure he knew it. I coldly replied and moved along. I texted him after I left that if he ever sees me at a geek event he shouldn't approach me. I was dying to see if he replies and what he'd say. A small part of me hoped he'd be angry or sad. But nope. Just texted me back a thumbs up emoji. I hate that I feel this way about so many small things. I feel like a teenager with a crush on a boy at school that didn't work out.

He broke up with me two times before, so this is just... I feel like I'm actively dealing with the clearest end of a relationship. This is a person that I could never go back to. We can never become friends. He's just going to turn into a stranger I never acknowledge, this person who at one time knew almost every small thing about me, and I knew about him.

All the jerky poetry and Jane Austen novels make sense, but this one is not getting back into my good graces with a well written letter. We already did that before. And I let him back in for almost a year. And the worst of it is, I feel like I don't know what would be worse - If he tries to get back despite promising me he wouldn't, or if he never wants to again. If he truly moves on from me and I won't really move on, just along.

I was so angry yesterday, partly because seeing him reminded me how broad and soft his shoulders are. How the last time we were at the park with his friends I'd constantly lean on him. How kind his eyes are. How great it was to kiss him casually, lightly. How at home that feeling was.

I really hope you get more than one 'soulmate' type love in your life. Because honestly, that feeling of comforting, homely love was the best while it lasted. Nothing less than that will be enough.

#breakup #breakup thoughts #heart break

[larklooksatbooks]

Old Review of "Red, White & Royal Blue" from 27/02/2023.

So I read "Red, White & Royal Blue", and here's my opinion on it:

In short: I really enjoyed it! I read through it in approximately 8 hours yesterday so the memory is still fresh. The rivals-to-lovers trope is one of my favorites so it wasn't very hard for me to enjoy. I liked the build-up and even though I have no real concept of American Politics (as Henry said "Is that far?") and really, anything American lol it was still easy to understand, especially as an immigrant child in a foreign country.

If you're still here: Hi, hello, welcome to Spoiler City! You have been warned!

I liked Alex well enough, loved Henry, and the entire character cast was enjoyable (well... Almost but more on that later) and unique. (Unique as in, every one of them had different voices in my head and I never got confused about who was who because it was very well established, which in my opinion is a good sign!)

Plotwise it was not really the best book for me, I do not enjoy Queer Pain. If you also want something that does not center on an outing without consent, the aftermath, and somehow everyone brushing it aside this book may not be the best choice for you.

For clarity's sake: I am well aware that the characters do deal with the aftermath of Alex's outing but in my opinion, it was pretty weak. It really felt more like "This sucks for your mom and oh yeah, you're here too lol" Alex got drunk about it and had a panic attack but other than that it wasn't treated with the caution it deserved.

Now, does that ruin the entire book for me? No. I love the banter between Henry and Alex, I love that they're allowed to be queer teenage boys who are in love and horny and stupid. I love that they don't shy away from (indirectly) criticizing how celebrities are treated as a main attraction at a zoo when it comes to their sexualities as if they're someone's character in a TV show. I also love that they weren't afraid to call it what it is (bisexuality) as I am also aware of how much erasure the Bisexual community faces. Not only that, we also got male bisexual rep!

Let's talk about the parts that I did not enjoy as much.

The pacing was a bit awkward, you've had tons of build-up between the main characters only to then have the reminder of American politics in between (it was off-putting, to say the least, suddenly we are talking about how to turn Texas Blue? I understand that this is part of the story but I do not have to like it.)

I did not enjoy Zhara's character at all. That was a personal ick of mine, where it is seen as strong and cool and feminist to be a jerk to people. It was especially awful when Alex got drunk about his outing and the entire focus seemingly shifted to: "How can we fix this for your mom, so she can get elected again? Oh, also you're here too but feelings later." This is not really the author's fault or flaw as (shocker) asshole characters exist, I just also don't have to like them. It felt flat, it felt rushed, and there was no real time to process and grieve, when there should've been. If you get outed nationwide albeit in a safe enough environment (for Alex anyway, Henry was an entirely different story) the focus should be on exactly that.

I have a lot of words and none of them fit together well but English is not my first language and this ain't Goodreads so we're fine.

I loved the references to queer history because it is so, so important for young queer Kids and old, tired, queer people (like me lol) to remember that we existed, and we made it, that we loved and were loved since the dawn of time. (As a Hamilton enjoyer it was also a delight to see it mentioned lol)

In conclusion: I liked the book well enough. I would not want to read it a second time though, I will keep it in fond memories.

On a score, it was a solid 3/5 for me. Hope you enjoyed this little review!

Cheers,

Lark

#history huh #red white and royal blue #casey mcquiston #queer books #book review #book criticism #larklooksatbooks

[humansun]

writing 3 pages a day should actually be the norm lulz

Written Saturday, July 22nd, 2023 at 1:34PM

Why does today feel like someone’s birthday? Like someone close to me. It must’ve been someone I used to know.

Today, I woke up, worked out with Fuzzy, and hit Hot Yoga! It was really wonderful watching Fuzzy experience something for the first time, but also enjoy it. He deserves to have new experiences and so do I. Although yoga isn’t something I’m madly in love with, I do enjoy how I feel after doing it. I love that the poses stretch parts of my body that I haven’t touched in a while. I love hearing my 25-year-old bones cracking and feeling my joints cry for help. So that was definitely the highlight of the day.

Ever since watching Fireflies, I learned that every moment, even though ordinary, can hold so much weight and significance in my life. The fact that at any point, all of what we experience can be taken away from us, is what scares me, but also motivates me to appreciate small things and stay present. That is a lesson I think of often and although it was a hard watch, it was one of those films that give you an important reminder in life, so I’m grateful for it.

My dreams from last night also felt strange. You know when you dream of someone you haven’t seen or talked to in a very long time? I wasn’t happy to see that person in my dream, but I felt grateful for them even if they weren’t always good to me in real life. These dreams that I can’t completely remember gave me the feeling of gratitude this morning based on the contrast of the dream and what I’m actually experiencing.

Even though my grandma and I have a bit of conflict in our history and my dad gets on my last nerve with coming back and forth, talking about the same thing - and talking at me, not with me - I feel lucky and fortunate to live with these two bright spirits.

Grandma has special something about her. Although she has really stirred my emotions a few months ago, almost to the brink of explosion for me, I think she is a cozy person who is damaged. If I just let her act how she acts without letting it affect me, we actually live together in peace! Same with my dad. If I just let him go on and on about the same things he’s been going on about since we were 5, I’d live in peace with him. I credit this emotional regulation and self-control to the book I recently read about mental strength, and to meditation as well as mindfulness.

Especially because my career is crystallizing more with each day that goes by (if not my career then my desire for my career), I’m looking forward to improving as a person, a writer, a reader, a family member, and a friend. Trying to better myself in different arenas means that the behavior in one role will transfer to the other positions in my life and that is a very affirming thought.

Learning to be a better girlfriend to Fuzzy has led me to be a better friend to Mel. Being a better friend to Mel has taught me to understand the complexity and diversity in people we interact with each day. This bleeds into my daily chats with my grandma and dad and whether my neurological pathway is structured and well-designed enough for me to withstand their tactics.

So yeah! Lots of improvement happening that is intangible, but later on tangible. I spoke to a couple filmmakers yesterday (which was amazing), and I’m learning that filmmaking and the industry itself can be what we decide it will be and that will be determined on who we are as people and what we think. Rearranging thoughts and belief systems is probably one of the most difficult things to do in life, but I believe that readjusting where I may be lacking can be deeply beneficial to my career.

Let’s take bravery for example. Had I not implemented this bravery and got the motivation from one of my closest friends, half of the calls I've had lately wouldn’t have happened and I wouldn’t be sitting here, deep in thought about what my next moves are. I wouldn’t be here feeling like I’m at square one, and then battling that thought with realizing that I’m not at square one. You know?

It’s like what Fuzzy said about everything being a library once you know what you want. My creative execution and brainstorming may not be as clear as the analysis I’ve done to think about where I want to be in life and that’s okay. Accepting where I am in my journey is a gift that 25 years of life has given me and I’m happy to have this awareness.

Speaking of awareness, I was talking to Mai via voice message this morning about how the people I feel I deeply admire are folks who are especially self-aware. People who are conscious of not only themselves, their thoughts, their actions, words, interactions, behavior, but also their society, other people, how life works, what’s wrong with life, what’s good with life, and have a good hold on their moral compass, are my favorite people. I’m lucky to have a few of those folks in my life as well, but it’s incredible learning about the lives of people with this much perspective.

They seem to have so many rich experiences and are open-minded to a myriad of things, without practicing too much judgement. Although a few of these folks tend to be more self-critical, I think they are amazing and I strive to have the amount of wisdom they do. I believe self-awareness and deep reflection take work. To sit in silence or even in solitude to understand more about the self or the world is difficult. The fact that some people go above and beyond to trying to learn about themselves is powerful to me.

Today we have the OC Fair lined up, which I’m certain Fuzzy is more excited about than I am. And then tomorrow will be a day focused on domestic rest, but also working on our own projects and not worrying about external things like our jobs or other distractions.

I look forward to my productivity levels, but I think the thing I am looking forward to most is getting the time and energy to dedicate toward my practice. The practice of enjoying what I’m writing, enjoying the journey I’m on, being excited when I see improvement, trying my best to be a better me and having fun in that process. Creatively, I want to look at my work and understand its daunting, but tackle it anyway. I want to take the time to jump on a cozy bed, chair, or couch to read a couple chapters of a book I like or want to finish. Because that is what life is about to me. It’s about learning, understanding, growing, processing, journaling, analyzing, processing again, and developing all of these mental skills to be a better and wiser individual.

It’s never been so apparent to me that music really drowns out my worries. Especially if I’m singing. I’m trying to understand if I’ve been using music as an escape and a distraction to not think about my own life, or if I actually find it as internal therapy. It can be both, I think, depending on whether it’s used in moderation or not.

Writing this entry has been surprisingly really fun. Finding the time in my day to just sit down, write, wordbarf on digital paper and see where my thoughts take me. The previous sheet of paper and all its text actually gave me profound thought and let me sit with my feelings about what I want, why I want it, and what life is to me. Although I’m a huge question asker, and I usually always want a very definitive answer, I learned that there are many questions that will never remain static.

That the answer will change no matter what point you are in your life. The answer may change second to second or next month or the next five years. That is what is beautiful about life and humans and learning and growing and changing and pursuing what makes the most sense to me. My mantra for hot yoga today was “I will be okay”, and that brought me peace. Friends, today’s reminder to you will be that you will be okay. I will be okay. We will all be alright.

Written 2:23PM

Ho! Before I move forward. I want to talk about society for once and not always talk about my feelings.

Dude. Living in Los Angeles at this point just makes zero sense. I went to hot yoga yesterday night as well in Highland Park and it baffles me to see people walk around so comfortable. Like wow. Can’t relate to you dining at these nice restaurants, ordering drinks at these bars. Like, that means you have enough disposable income to spend on drinks and a nice dinner? I could barely order 2 chalupa supremes from Taco Bell without it adding up to $18. 

California as an entire state I’m sure is expensive, but Los Angeles took itself to another level. I wouldn’t be taking any yoga classes or exercise courses if it weren’t for free. I just can’t process it. I am still striving to have a home of my own one day, but jesus, it’s crazy to just think about how people can afford living here. It’s wild. Crazy crazy.

Oh! Another thought (these are all stemming from me reviewing the mental strengths book), its scary to think I’ll be 26 very soon, but I’m trying to morph my fear into excitement about the future and determine the best plan of action to ensure I will be financially, physically, and mentally okay by that point. I think I’m doing like proficient right now.

I’m going to get ready for OC fair soon, but this was a fun time. I’m happy that I wrote this much! I hope I can spend more time writing because it’s actually really, really fun.