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bruhstories · 3 years

Text

switch

summary: you and yuji have been together for three years now, but on your anniversary night, you allow your own demons to come to the surface. pairing: ryomen sukuna x female!reader (itadori yuji x female!reader, too, i guess?) | aged up characters word count: 3.5k warning & content: cheating?? (is it cheating if it's technically the same body?), unprotected sex, creampie, slight dacryphillia, vaginal fingering, blackmail, reader is kind of an asshole? (can you blame her tho, sukuna is such a daddy ugh), bit of overstimulation, slight dumbification (if you squint)

a/n: i'm back, and i can tell my writing skill is getting rusty. i took a break and it's obvious with this fic, but i need to get my head back in the game. it is what it is.

Yuji was a great boyfriend. In all honesty, he was every woman and man's dream — funny, charming, attentive and, most importantly, caring. He cared about you so much that he always made sure to control his own personal demon. You knew about Sukuna, Yuji told you after a few dates, and you were well versed in Jujutsu Sorcery, enough to know that he was not someone you could mess with. But you didn't want to give up on Yuji, and stuck with him through thick and thin. After almost three years of the beautiful and fun relationship you two had, he asked you to move in with him since you were both adults now, and you gladly accepted, because after so much time, you came to love him, despite seeing Sukuna's outbursts during fights. That thing, that monster, was beyond terrifying, but you trusted Yuji with all your heart, and that was all that mattered.

Or maybe you were unhinged, maybe you wanted Sukuna to come to the surface. Maybe, deep down in your heart, you fell in love with the switch, with the raging, brutal frenzies that you happened to witness on the rare occasions when Yuji couldn’t control the King of Curses. Maybe you weren’t meant to be a Jujutsu Sorcerer, because, as opposed to your optimistic and good-natured boyfriend, you never hesitate to kill – human or curse. Sometimes it felt as if your curiosity surpassed your love for Yuji, and that was a horrendous thought. Surely, that can’t be the real you, right?

Today is your three-year anniversary, and naturally, you want to surprise your boyfriend, so when you come home from a mission, you stop by his favourite ramen restaurant, picking up something to eat, maybe even some dessert. You tiptoe inside when you notice Yuji napping on the couch, and after silently setting up the table, careful not to wake him up, you quickly change into something... nicer. Yuji doesn't really enjoy it when you show some skin, which sucks because you want him to show you off. Nevertheless, you respect him, but tonight is special, surely it wouldn't hurt if you wear a shorter skirt. And a low-cut blouse. And heels. Fuck it, you think, adding a pair of thigh high socks as well, maybe that would rile him up. As much as you loved him, Yuji was too gentle. You liked that about him, truly, but sometimes you just need him to give you a good fuck, which was impossible, no matter how much you begged him to do it. You watch your reflection in the mirror from head to toe, proud of your skimpy outfit, but you can't help but wonder if he might be upset at your choice of attire. Even if he prefers it when you're dressed in pastels, that's not you, the real you. "You look good enough to eat." Yuji's voice breaks your trance and you turn on your heels to look at him. He stands in the doorway of the bedroom, arms folded across his chest, but there's a strange aura around him, and you can't exactly see his face through the dim lights. "You like it?" Your ears perk up, happy that he's not bothered by the clothes. "I do. You should dress like that more often." He sneers, stepping closer to you. "Alright, what kind of prank are you pulling now, Yuji? You never liked these kinds of clothes." You lower your head, your luscious lips turning into a pout. His calloused fingertips grip your chin, turning your head to face the mirror, and that's when you see the black markings on his face. Fear paralyses your entire body, eyes widening in panic and anxiety. "He might not like them, but I do." His voice is lower than Yuji's, calm yet obscenely dangerous. "I- you-" The words get caught in your throat, and you can't take your eyes off of his reflection. You know for a fact there's absolutely nothing you can do to defend yourself from Sukuna without hurting Yuji, and that thought makes you feel incredibly small and downright pathetic. "Little lamb, do you have any idea how hard it's been for me to watch this ungrateful brat take you for granted?" His hand is still leaving imprints on your chin and cheek, the other travelling down your back. "To watch you lose yourself for him, of all people?" "You don't know me!" Lips open without a thought, and you regret every syllable that came out of your mouth. "Oh, but I do." Yuji, no, Sukuna sneers, that same hand that was once on your back is now on your abdomen, painstakingly slowly creeping under your blouse. "Everything he sees, I see. Everything he smells, I smell. What he hears, I hear. But I just couldn't touch what's mine. Until now." You feel him pinching your nipple, and you're ashamed to admit how good his skin feels against yours, his hot breath fanning over your nape. "'M not yours." You grit your teeth, manicured fingernails digging into the plush of your thighs to keep your composure. "There's one thing I can smell that he can't. Wanna know what that is, sweet dove?" He whispers in your ear, and it's dotting your skin with goosebumps. "Enlighten me." "Your arousal." "You're bluffing." Is all you manage to say before Sukuna spins you around, pinning you against the mirror. "Let's see, shall we? I bet you're dripping," he shoves one of your legs to the side with his knee, and you don't stop him, "I bet you you've fantasised about this, late at night, when this brat can't please you. He's well endowed, though, it's a shame he can't use his dick." "S-stop it, please. I love him." "Pardon me if I doubt that." "Please, sir..." Sir? How should you call him? Demon? Cursed spirit? Monster? "How about master?" Sukuna barks back, as if reading your mind sarcasm dripping

down his tongue. You can't stifle a moan when his teeth sink in the crook of your neck, and you know damn well that you want this, and that every word he uttered so far was correct. You have thought about Yuji switching with Sukuna, wondered how he would fuck you, make you chant his name, but you never told your boyfriend, you couldn't. It's sinful, disgraceful and disgusting. Instinctively, you grind up his thigh, tears of shame and lust pooling at your eyes when you slowly give in to the temptation. He's already bruised your skin, one hand toying with your tits, the other lifting your skirt up. It's too late to fight him, because you never wanted to fight him in the first place. You deepest, darkest wish is finally coming to life. "That's better." Sukuna licks his lips, and your half-lidded, glossy eyes land on his tongue. "Please, m-may I kiss you?" Eyes dart away, cheeks burning with desire and embarrassment. "How polite of you to ask." He coos at you mockingly, his face inching closer to yours before absolutely crushing your lips under his. You don't hesitate to partly open your mouth, allowing his tongue to slip between your lips. Fuck, he kisses you so good that your knees give in, and all you can think is that if he's such a good kisser, he's definitely going to fuck you dumb. And you want that more than anything. When he pulls away, you lick your lips, still tasting him on your tongue, and he tastes so much better than Yuji — sweet and addictive. "I really wanted to take my time with you, after all, I waited three long years for this. But you're such an eager little slut, aren't you?" "I'm n-not a slut-" You try to protest, but you can't fool him, especially not when he's pushing your panties to the side, fingers grazing over your slit. "You are a slut. You merely buried that side of you for a pathetic little boy who can't handle a real woman." Sukuna's index finger gently brushes against your clit, enough to have you weak and needy. "Don't worry, Y/N, you don't have to hide from me. You can show me what you really want." It hurts to know that Yuji probably sees and hears everything, that he will probably break up with you after this, but you're too far gone to care about his feelings when finally someone is paying attention to yours. Your hand travels up his thigh, palming his already hard cock, and the way he groans, throwing his head back is satisfying enough for you. It hurts to think that Yuji never appreciates this side of you, and it's more painful when you consider this to be cheating — it's still his body, technically, but it's not your loving boyfriend, and you're perfectly fine with that. He slips a finger between your folds, a quiet moan escaping your lips, and Sukuna knows you won't dare say no to him, or try to reason with him. He adds another finger, but he absolutely does not move them an inch, instead you automatically fuck yourself on his hand, gripping one of his shoulders for support. "That's a good whore." Sukuna praises you, tongue lapping at your collarbone, making you delirious with lust. "You want my cock? Want me to fuck your aching cunt?" It's impossible to refuse his proposition, instead you buck your hips, your fingers gripping his t-shirt and you know you might tear it if you keep this up. "Yes..." You answer him, voice soft and quiet. "Yes what?" "P-please... Yes, please!" "Much better. Get on the bed." Sukuna commands and you obey, skirt dangerously hiked up. You proceed to take it off, but he slaps your hands away, too impatient for such formalities. He did wait a long time for this, you understand that, and so you lay on your back, blouse unbuttoned, panties on the floor and legs wide open for him to take you. Oh, and he adores this sight, how you willingly give yourself to him, your dainty fingers spreading your juices around your cunt, eager to be filled. In those three years of being with Yuji, you got used to his cock, but seeing it now seems like it's the first time. Precum leaks from the blushing tip and your mouth begins to water just by looking at him, and

this pleases Sukuna greatly. "Tell me what you want." He climbs on top of you, hands resting next to you as your fingernails graze over his chest. "I don't wanna say it..." You avert your gaze, a crumb of dignity left in you because you know Yuji hears everything. "Oh, you don't?" He quirks a brow, brown irises bearing a hint of red. "Then you won't mind me killing the brat." This garners your attention, and you feel stupid because of course he would blackmail you. Do you care? No. Do you want Yuji to think you care? Yes. "Please don't hurt him." You look back at Sukuna, tears pricking your eyes. "Why shouldn't I? We both know he doesn't deserve you." "You're wrong, I love-" "This isn't about you loving him, it's about you renouncing your true nature." His hand finds its way on your neck, fingers wrapping around it. "How many times have you begged him to choke you and he refused? How many times did you ask him to fuck you harder and he said no? You're a filthy slut, Y/N, and it's time you got what you deserve." The lack of air has your pussy clenching around nothing, and you hate him so much for being right. Yuji could never give you what you want, but Sukuna can, and it's an opportunity you can't pass. "Now, I'll say this one last time — tell me what you want." He releases the grip on your neck. "Y-you! I want you to fuck me, please, fuck me good, make me yours!" The tears that roll down your cheeks ruin your makeup, mascara mixed with eyeshadow smeared under your eyes. The tip of his cock pushes past your folds, and inch by inch he bottoms out. It feels bigger than before, stretching you open in a beautiful blend of pain and pleasure, your lips forming an O as your eyes roll back. "He doesn't deserve your tears. But I do. Cry for me." Sukuna sneers, his broad frame hovering above you and you feel so small and vulnerable. Yet again you obey, allowing more salty droplets to run down your face as you wrap your legs around his waist, feeling him go deeper. "Fuck, 's big! Oh, god-" Sukuna's palm meets your cheek, a sharp, stinging pain bringing your eyes on him. "Focus, whore. Not god, not the brat, me." He grunts, hips rocking back and forth harder and faster. "Who do you belong to?" You don't want to say it, what would Yuji think of you? He's probably already disgusted, contemplating breaking up with you once he regains control of his body. Another slap pulls you out of your thoughts and you buck your hips against his. "Answer me." "I b-belong to you! You!" "That's right, you're mine. Don't worry your pretty head, little lamb, Yuji won't be coming back any time soon." He grunts with every thrust, and his reassurance is somewhat comforting, because, god, he fucks you so good, you would kill for another opportunity like this. His teeth sink into your shoulder, fingers bruising your skin and you're delighted that he's marking you. All that matters is that you're his, chanting his name over and over again, praying to your new god, and Sukuna is beyond pleased with his work of art. When he pulls out of you, you almost cry, because it feels like a part of you is missing, but he's a merciful god, he won't let his newly devoted subject famished. Flipping you over as if you're made of feathers, he thrusts back into your aching cunt, and you yelp at the feeling of being overpowered by him. Sukuna's stamina is off the charts, because while your legs begin to feel numb, he's fucking into you with such force and intensity that the damn bed slides on the floor. It's raw, the way he's defiling your cunt, and it's sending your brain into overdrive. Your spongy walls clench around his cock, and while he doesn't say anything, the simple fact that he's going deeper and harder makes you feel special. Squirming and thrashing under him, you're desperate for some form of validation, and so you lift your ass up, pushing it back against his hips with a delightful moan escaping your lips. Sukuna takes notice of your sudden change of posture, and the way you curve your spine to try and get a look at him is adorable. "You want something,

pet?" He barely spares you a glance, and his indifference makes your pussy flutter. Your incoherent sentence almost makes him laugh, words such as good and please distinguishable between the other stutters. "Use your fucking words." A slap over your firm ass makes you yelp and jolt up. "A-am I good enough f-for you?" The question takes him by surprise, but he doesn't stop to think. Instead, he digs his sharp talons into the plush of your hips, overjoyed by your eagerness to please him. "You could do better." Sukuna teases you, but you take it personally, sadness and determination coiling inside of your heart. By this point, you don't even remember your boyfriend's name, too high on pleasure to even care. "'M sorry! P-please, I wanna be good!" You throw your head back and he wraps an arm around your neck, pressing his chest against your back. "If you wanna make me happy, you best forget about Itadori." "W-who?" "Your– never mind." Sharp canines flashed in his smirk, Sukuna tilts your head enough for you to catch a glimpse of his eyes. They're dark and vicious, and any sane person would be repulsed by them, but not you. No, you drown in them, completely absorbed by the hatred hiding behind them. The more you stare into his orbs, the closer you are to your climax. And he knows it. "Fuck fuck fuck!" "That's right, little lamb, let go of all that is moral and human." "Don't stop- oh, god, please don't s-stop!" In your frenzy, in his frantic pace, Sukuna's close, too. It would have taken any other woman hours to please him due to his insatiable nature, but you — your cunt clenching around his cock for dear life milks him dry, and inch by inch he pulls out, watching the hot liquid dripping down your trembling thighs. Art, he thinks, this is what art is — your face buried in the pillows, ass up, and his seed spilling out of your sore cunt. You come down from your haze, slowly but surely, and the realisation of what just happened begins to hit you. You want to regret everything, to feel a shred of shame, but there isn't any left. After this night, Sukuna irrevocably owns you, and you wouldn't have it any other way. He lays on the bed, lazily watching you stumble in the bathroom to clean yourself up, but with his guard up in case you want to try anything stupid. Yet when you don't come back, Sukuna wonders if you ran away out the window, which makes him laugh to himself because he could find you anywhere if he wanted to. So, he drags his feet across the room, finding you on the edge of the bathtub, watching the water pool inside with a blank stare. When you feel his presence, you get up and tug at the hem of his shirt. The man flinches, until he remembers that you are harmless and exhausted, and you don't look like you even want to put up a fight, so he allows you to take his shirt off. "Is this for me?" He points at the tub, brow quirked and a mischievous smile on his lips. "Yes." "Are you gonna clean me up?" "Yes." You sigh, wondering if you truly ever loved Yuji, wondering why you didn't even try to fight for him. "Do you want your boyfriend back?" Oh, how you dreaded this question. You cringe at the words, and don't reply. Silence is also an answer, but he's cruel. "I need to hear it." "He will also hear it." Of course he will, that's the whole point of humiliation. Sukuna steps in the tub, dipping himself in the hot water, a hand extended towards you. "Join me." You hesitate to take his hand, lips pursed and eyes narrowed at the man who looks so serene that it amazes you how brutal he was before. "I won't ask again." Complying, and not wanting to anger him, you don't waste another moment to get in the tub, back against his chest. "Can I ask you a question?" "You just did, sweet dove." "Fine, I’ll shut up." "Now, now, don't give me that attitude, or else I'll have to put you in your place. And you won't like it." His nails are pressed onto your jugular, and you know those things can cut, your hips are still bleeding. "Ask away." He lets his hands fall on your shoulders and you exhale the breath that was caught in your

throat. "Why didn't you kill me? Why don't you kill me?" "I need a pet." "Oh." Your disappointment makes Sukuna burst into laughter. What did you expect? A confession of love? "Oh?" He mocks you, tracing circles on your skin with his talons. "Don't worry, I take good care of my pets. Especially if they're loyal and obedient." His hands travel down your body, one pulling your knee to the side, the other moving up your thigh. "You are loyal and obedient, yes?" "Please, no more-" The rest of the sentence dies before you can utter it when his fingers ghost over your swollen clit. "Answer me, Y/N." "I can't come again!" "You can, and you will, because I want you to. Now answer the fucking question." Sukuna toys with you, only pushing his index finger one knuckle deep between your folds before pulling it out, and somehow you can't feel the sharpness of his nails. "Will you serve and obey me, not once questioning my authority?" He pushes the finger back in, curling it upwards and you don't fail to clench your walls once more. "Oh, f-fuck, I will, I will! But please, I can't–" When he rubs your clit, you are done for. You didn't think you could reach another climax, but those circles he's rubbing with enough pressure to both give you pleasure and pain have you melting in his arms. "Swear it, then. Make a pact with me. I can give you anything in return, maybe even the brat." "I s-swear it, S-Sukuna! I swear my loyalty to you!" You hiss between your gritted teeth, hips rolling in synchronicity with his hand. "And in return, what do you want?" "I want you! Oh, god, I only want you!" "Clever girl." The man decides to give you what you want, and with a quickened pace, you squeeze your thighs together, coming undone on his fingers. "I'm going to enjoy your company." Embracing your true nature is your salvation, and damnation. Your boyfriend is never coming back, Sukuna simply won't allow it, and from this moment on, your memories of Yuji begin to fade away, like a bad dream, because you simply must serve your beloved master, your merciful and devastatingly powerful god. That's who you really are.

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smallblip · 3 years

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Okay, but (sorry for my english) I just really love modern hc where they perform as the band No Name during their school festival (their identities are already known and that people know they belong to one of the most famous group in the school /with nanaba and erwin/).

Levi’s the face of the group and almost half of the fans have him as their bias but they really thinks he’s asexual or bi or even gay since they never knew anyone who had been his girlfriend and he doesn’t seem to be that person to be involved in any romance.

But then he surprises everyone when during their performance, he just grabs hange’s ponytail and kissed her deeply.

And people were just like—oh, shit, wait, what.... levi just—kissed his friend....his....friend.....Hange....the Hange

Then the crowd went wilder and even Levi’s fans just gasped with excitement because—damn that’s hot!

Even Hange herself were surprised but she couldn’t do anything since levi’s grip was too strong, lost in his own world as he ravishes her with kisses as if he doesn’t give a shit about everyone watching them

she doesn’t even know how long it lasted.

Then there’s Erwin in the crowd, capturing every moment with a camera because he’s the only one who wasn’t surprised about this

Stop the presses!

“Breaking news! Levi Ackerman frontman of No Name is having an illicit love affair!”

“It’s not breaking news if everyone already knows...” Porco rolls his eyes. Connie groans. Great. Now Porco is in his shot. The school’s journalism club is essentially him and Sasha with her phone’s camera. They do not have the skill nor the budget to edit him out.

“Who’s he dating then?” Sasha shoots back.

“Heard it’s a girl from another school.” Porco shrugs.

“Heard he’s gay...” Reiner offers.

“You just want him to be gay...” There’s sniggering and Reiner wants to punch Porco, but he’s a man of discipline, so no violence before breakfast.

“It’s just a rumour! He isn’t dating anyone! Levi’s too cool to date.” Eren says, gagging at the mention of the word. A literal child.

“Who would wanna date him?” Mikasa scoffs.

“Everyone in the school apart from you, Mikasa...” Petra says, “he’s dreamy...”

Connie urges the discussion on, Sasha capturing all of this. This is the best content they’ve gotten all week. “Come on! There are no bad answers!”

“Maybe he’s dating a fan?” Bertholdt says.

“Maybe he’s dating Hanji... They do seem rather close?” Pieck says, and the silence and scowls are intended to shame her. Connie looks at the aluminium foil on Pieck’s head. Right. The Signs movie screening organised by the conspiracy society is today.

“No bad answers except that one...” Connie says.

—

“You’re the talk of the town again...” Mike says, “they were discussing you on the school’s YouTube channel.”

Levi tsks. He doesn’t know why Mike bothers with that crap. It’s a pretty high quality production... he had justified, but there’s nothing high quality about Sasha’s shaky hands and Connie’s head covering half the frame. Everyone knows Mike enjoys the gossip, and there’s no one that enjoys it more. Except maybe Erwin.

“Do tell! Who is the enigmatic Levi Ackerman dating?” Erwin teases. He knows he’s not getting anything out of tight-lipped Levi. But it’s still worth a shot. Also worth seeing how annoyed he can get. Plus it’s not like they don’t already know.

If the canteen hadn’t been so goddamn full, Levi would’ve relocated long ago. Then again, his lunch groups hasn’t changed since his first day at school. The routine works.

“I’m sure you boys would be the first to know...” Nanaba chuckles. She had been the first to know and frankly. Levi’s inability to confess has been getting stifling. The only thing that really breaks the conversation though? Hanji tripping and landing face first on the table, lucky for her Levi moves her tray out of the way, saving her lunch, “watch it four eyes!”

“What did I miss?” Hanji asks, eyes already gleaming at the possibility of new knowledge.

“We were just talking about Levi’s illicit love affair.” Mike says. This is getting interesting.

“Awww Levi! You didn’t tell your ol’ pal Hanji that you were seeing someone?”

The rest of them exchange looks. God she’s so goddamn oblivious.

“Eat. We’ve got band practice before class.” Levi says, fingers already working to peel Hanji’s orange for her.

Nanaba winces. So goddamn oblivious.

—

“So we enter school today and Sasha what do we see?”

“Merch!” Sasha pops in front of the screen and does jazz hands with Connie.

“In the lead up to the big No Name concert, everyone’s donning their best No Name merch! First, let’s speak to the best in the game, Armin Arlert.”

Armin fidgets awkwardly, “ahaha I’m just a fan who just happens to make high quality merch.” Modest for someone earning big bucks from his enterprise.

“Ah... And you have competition this year!” Connie says into the microphone, which is really just rolled up newspaper.

“Well... The quality of my work speaks for itself...” Armin smiles sheepishly at the camera, but there’s something insidious in his eyes. Armin has to admit having sole monopoly over No Name merchandising in school has gone a little stale. Surely a little competition will spice things up.

“So Zeke, care to tell us more about your entry into the merchandise game?” Connie asks the bearded boy. Who has a full grown beard at their age? Connie makes a mental note to insert “sells bootleg merch” in the little panel that runs below Zeke’s interview. The whole school is also pretty sure Zeke had been behind the whole oregano debacle last year- someone had been passing oregano off as weed and selling it to the younglings.

“What’s there to say? Mine’s cheaper.” Zeke winks.

“So, satisfied customer. Why did you choose to buy Armin’s merch over Zeke’s?” Connie asks.

Pieck glances down at her Hanji shirt, “Armin got Hanji’s nose right.” She smiles.

In the background Armin and Eren are yelling at one another.

“How could you Eren! I thought we were best friends!” Armin says. Maybe the competition spiced things up a little too much.

“It was cheaper Armin! So much cheaper!”

Eren is wearing the ugliest shirt in school so, is it really worth it though?

—

“We are absolutely not blowing our budget on a confetti canon!”

“But Levi!” Hanji whines, “you already rejected so many of my ideas...”

“May I remind you that your previous ideas include a guillotine on stage, you repelling from the ceiling-“

“A tiger...” Mike adds and Hanji shoots him a look, traitor...

“It was two tigers...” she mutters under her breath. “Aww Levi you never let me do anything fun!” She pouts and Mike watches as Levi’s resolve slips an inch. There’s nothing more disgusting than the weakness of a man in love. Mike rolls his eyes. He had told Erwin if he wanted in on the action, he should join their band. There’s just so much to see that Mike has honestly had his fill. Or maybe he’s just saying it. Damn Nanaba was right, he enjoys this more than he’d care to admit.

“If you shut up through the next five songs, I’ll buy you dinner.”

“What about me?” Mike huffs.

“Deal!” Hanji shouts triumphantly, “and if you let me sing the chorus with you on this next song at the concert I’ll buy you dessert!”

“Almost as if I’m invisible...” Mike mutters.

“Fine... Deal... If you can hit the notes that is...”

“Ohhhh snap!” Mike says, and Levi turns to him for a high five. Mike smashes a beat on his drums. Hanji deadpans.

Ba dum fuckin tiss indeed.

—

“So it’s two days before the festival and the big No Name concert. Today, we’ve got a special treat for you. Roving reporter Jean Kirschtein will find out more about Levi’s love affair, straight from the horse’s mouth!”

Jean shoots Connie a dirty look. But the pun had not been intended. Connie mouths a quick apology before continuing, “but first, a word with the people closest to him-“ Connie nudges Jean towards the general direction of Erwin, Nanaba and Mike. Remember you owe me Jean! Connie whispers harshly when he senses his friend’s hesitation, now go!

Jean groans once more. God his reputation was going to take a hit. He’s vice captain of the soccer team for God’s sake. He doesn’t need this.

“Erwin Smith! A word? Uh... Thoughts on the rumours surrounding Levi Ackerman’s love life?” Jean asks. “Erwin Smith, football captain, history club president, student council treasurer, overall overachiever, and Levi Ackerman’s friend” appears on the screen. They all know if anyone’s likely to spill, it’s going to be Erwin.

Erwin’s eyes light up, he’s finally going on the channel he watches religiously with Mike. There’s so much he can contribute, so much gossip to share, so much insight. Maybe they would even invite him as a panelist on their show. The sheer power! He looks at Nanaba and she frowns at him and shakes her head. Ah damn it! He knows she’ll tear into him if he divulges too much.

“That’s strictly on a need to know basis.” Erwin grins.

“Well... Can you give us anything at all?” Jean asks. Please for the love of god he needs to pay Connie back somehow for setting him up on that date with Mikasa. God is generous but he can easily take it all away.

“We have good, solid guesses, but other than that... No... We can’t confirm anything...” Erwin answers, but not before glancing at Nanaba. She’s nodding. Good, that’s a good answer. Ambiguous enough to keep people wanting. Erwin is relieved. Jean isn’t however, he’s now certain that his debt is going to be rolled along a tab he will soon never be able to pay.

“Oh and the history society’s having quiz night next week, be there or be square!” Erwin plugs.

“Nerd!” Nile yells from across the hallway and Mike chortles.

It doesn’t take Jean long to find Hanji, after all she’s president of the biology club, so why wouldn’t she be in a lab elbow deep in a vat of something Jean doesn’t want to know the name of. It’s her kingdom with a whopping total of four subjects.

“Hanji Zoë, I’m here to ask for the latest on Levi Ackerman’s love life-“

Hanji Zoë- the school’s resident oddball, the genius herself, in the flesh, eating a checkerboard cookie. She looks up at him and there are crumbs on her face.

“Oh! Hi Jean!” Hanji looks up momentarily, “that’s easy, Levi’s in love with me.” She winks at Jean and chuckles. Jean’s jaw drops, surely she’s kidding. Hanji’s known for that after all- her quick wit and dismal personal hygiene. He chuckles awkwardly. “Yeah... Okay...”

“See you at the concert?” She beams at him and he replies enthusiastically. Is she kidding? Everyone’s gonna be there. But Jean remains strategic, he leaves right before she gets the chance to talk his ear off about joining her club again. “Shoot... There goes another one...” she says under her breath as he exits the lab.

Jean bumps into Levi when he’s leaving the lab, odd, what’s Levi doing here, no matter, Jean has a job to do.

“Levi Ackerman! Care to comment on the recent rumours surrounding your-“

“No.” Levi interjects and heads off.

Jean flips the camera so he’s in it, “well, that’s the scoop. Back to you Connie and Sasha.”

—

“It’s the day of the festival! But really the whole school is buzzing with anticipation for the No Name concert!” Connie announces into his makeshift mic.

“Will there be another accident on-stage this time? Will Levi Ackerman reveal more on his secret romance? Is there even a secret romance to begin with? More importantly, will Porco Galliard finally pay for his own food at the festival?”

“Hey!” Porco whips his head around to glare at Connie, “did Reiner get you to say that?”

Connie shrugs, “we’ll find out after these messages...”

The concert is a blast, from a spectacular entrance (choreographed, no doubt, by one Hanji Zoë), to Mike’s drum solo, to Levi’s vocal riffs. But there’s an anticipation of another sort- will Levi Ackerman finally address the rumours of his love affair?

“My Levi-Hanji senses are tingling Nanaba...” Erwin says mid-concert. As the self-proclaimed expert on school gossip, there’s no gossip sweeter than that which surrounds his two best friends. Nanaba thinks it’s an overstatement of his abilities.

But Nanaba feels it too- the electricity in the air, “i think it’s finally happening!” She says, nothing short of a vision.

Levi announces the last song for the night, and he makes his way over to Hanji during the last chorus.

HUH?

Sasha’s cameras are rolling. She holds her breath, for what she doesn’t know, but she feels it coming, call it director’s intuition if you will.

Hanji looks at Levi and beams past the bandages over their eyes, now upgraded to a material they can actually see through, ever since that one accident with Hanji trying to execute a stage dive completely blind. It’s not fun explaining to the ER nurse how you managed to fracture your arm in so many locations.

Hanji’s expression changes to one of confusion when Levi closes the distance between them. This isn’t part of any plan. Her lips part in a gasp. The crowd falls silence, breath collectively held in anticipation. It’s happening. The most significant and exciting moment of their young lives.

What in the name of Maria, Rose, and Sheena!

Levi grabs Hanji by her ponytail and crashes his lips into hers. She forgets how to function, her guitar now hanging limp and forgotten. But her arms find their way around Levi’s neck. It’s just Mike on the drums now, roaring with laughter.

“Hell yes!” Mike exclaims and it’s captured by one of the mics, joined by Nanaba and Erwin at exactly the same time. There’s a flash from Erwin’s phone, there, immortalised in a photo forever. He knows it’ll come in handy one day. For blackmail or for a future wedding montage. Either is fine.

What just happened?

Connie’s jaw is hanging.

“Levi Ackerman and... and... Hanji Zoë?” Connie says, more for his own benefit than for his audience. Because this is Hanji they’re talking about? The Hanji Zoë? Resident evil genius, overall weirdo, oddly magnetic and popular amongst both the boys and the girls, Levi’s childhood friend Hanji Zoë? The answer had been staring them right in the face! Levi at the biology labs, Levi glowering at her, the bickering, the chemistry on and off stage.

Connie whips his head over to Pieck, and she winks at him, told you so!

“I don’t believe it! Stop the presses! Levi Ackerman, frontman of No Name, in love with the brilliant, the magnetic, the one and only... Hanji Zoë!”

Hanji is kissing Levi back with fervour, until they’re both blushing and giddy, the music long forgotten, and when everyone is done gawking, the crowd erupts in violent cheering. Who would’ve thought emotionally constipated Levi, Levi whose private life has been kept a secret for so long, safe from the prying hands of the school press and his loyal fans, would choose to make an announcement like this. What a night! What a spectacle!

“I guess that’s all for tonight folks, and what a fantastic and surprising evening it has been!” Connie laughs, “I’m Connie Springer, and you heard it here first!”

The confetti canon goes off. And Hanji watches with uninhibited joy as confetti rains down on the stage.

“So... Tigers next time?” Hanji says, unwrapping the bandages from her face, her eyes glazed over and more beautiful than anything Levi has ever seen. He scoffs, pressing another kiss to her lips for posterity.

“Don’t push it...”

(A/N: prompt so good I had to write a mini fic! Thank you anon💖💖💖)

#yes it me pretending the manga and its spoilers don’t exist #thank you anon💖#anon #inbox #Drabble #levihan #levihan fanfic #Levi x hange #Hanji Zoë #hange zoe #Levi Ackerman #mine #shingeki no kyojin

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hellsprite · 3 years

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hi, I’ve had some wine, it’s 2am and I’m rewatching Phil’s Moving Out - Keep it or Yeet It video. Is this my favorite Phil video ever? Maybe! I laughed throughout this vid in a real way - not just like a hehe funnie :p but real, serious laughter. Here’s some notes.

WE’re MOVING

Phil ‘discovering’ the basket of seemingly random but perfect for a video items is so dumb but at least he’s like “I knew it was there!!!!!!” love this growth

Like a shameful………… lover

god i love phil

Vibrating Sloth, Put It On Your Back Like A Sloth Friend

Naked Man Apron — countdown to Phil saying 9-pack oh he said it

Koala souvenir pic, historic!

Spon Break

Okay we’re back, what’s next? OH. It’s THESE. It’s….. Like……. A Million….. photo booth photos……………………………………………. of me and Dan :)

Okay so this part where Phil acknowledges Dan’s sexiness is so cathartic like… YEAH!!! We know! You Know! Phil, you really know. And a line was crossed and we’re here now. Phil casually and jokingly mentioning that his bf is hot is something we have not seen outside of dailybooths and formsprings so uhhh yeah, I guess you could say I’m pretty happy.

god phil is also hot, btw

mad at these pajamas very mad, ew

Phil and Katya interact tiny hands challenge — i’m manifesting

Mysterious Hard Drive - Love this, can’t wait to see more

2 videos 1 picture

Okay

He’s concerned

OKAY

Okay listen, Phil really seems confused about what this video is, even after he sees Dan in the mirror, his face is still like scrunchy and puzzled but he also keeps filming and keeps talking like he absolutely knows there is nothing shady happening, because please. But I think he’s also like ‘but where am I if Dan’s there?’

And then he sees himself and he figures it out and hey, remember how Phil is really not a good actor? This ain’t acting. But it is very cute, A+ narrating and mystery solving.

I laughed so hard at that fucking styrofoam chair because i KNOW this is something they have mentioned in passing but like it’s not something that I think about on the regular so I can’t tell you when or where I heard them talk about it but anyway. When I saw it I was like, “OH THAT CHAIR HAAHAHAHA” like I was in on the joke. Love this.

omfg

person juice

FUCK that’s so god damn funny and dark person juice are you kiddin me

p.s. did I just google the word juice to make sure i was spelling it correctly because i looked at it too long? yes!

Chopsticks from the CHOPstick Challenge, another favorite video of mine.

Fan Edition CAH: oh we’re starting out with a gaping something ;). Pete Wentz and Harry Styles. Meaty Legs. The End!

I am dying over that crystal looking exactly like a lil chicken breast. I never noticed in videos and never read comments so this was news to me and the reports were TRUE AND WELL-RESEARCHED.

Okay. First of all, I need to know how old Phil was when he bought this gelly foot bath for his own MOTHER. Because I think it was probably only a year ago. Second of all, Queen Kath was like ‘...uhhhhhhhhh yeah no, thanks though’ which is absolutely correct.

I am laughing so hard at this foot bath, how silly!

Remember going on holiday????

Dan and Phil play suck and blow

Dan acting like there’s anyone else on earth in normal times, let alone during a pandemic.

“If you’re using the spa with a friend, why not ask them to pamper…..” Dan’s not having it, and I get that

Pause for maybe the only real ASMR moment Phil or Dan has ever inserted into their videos - not my thing particularly, but I appreciate the focus on the squishy sounds without the added and overdone harsh whisper mocking ASMR — hi, I’m hellsprite and I’m here to talk to you today about the dangers of ridiculing healthy and harmless coping mechanisms. In this essay I will —

Phil is having so much fun

Dan saying this is the most upsetting thing he has done or seen this year is a lie because he did see Phil in those fake beards and I for one have not forgiven that.

Blurred feet, unblurred feet — blurred feet sexier hehehehehe

Phil found his groove, and also just figured out what toenail clipper looks like????? WAIT

Does Phil not automatically know what a toenail clipper looks like? WHY Would he say, “I thought it was a hair clipper tee hee *giggle*” WHATTTT I am very confused by this. I could blindfold myself, touch a pair of shears in one hand an a toenail clipper in the other and know exactly which was which without hesitation. I’m mad again.

“WHY DID YOU BUY IT!!!!” — Dan, asking the real questions. Kath co-signs.

Okay we’re going around the apartment now and keeping or yeeting……… plants, basically.

Oh wait it’s not just plants, I’m so cynical!!! Bye & Sign! Bye red puzzle (?) mirror! Bye Hulk! Bye Iron Man!

Their peace lily does look glossy and perky and lovely.

Bye yoga ball!

Bye Entire Room of Boxes??? Do you know how much money I would pay to see inside of those boxes??????????????????? Like 10 bucks max!!! ugh

Quick reminder in the outro that Phil is very cute!!

#phan #i loved this video i laughed and laughed

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popculturebuffet · 4 years

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Scooby Doo (2002) Review: The Most Punchable Fred Jones of All Time

It’s one last hurrah for Halloween as I take a look at the often derided 2002 Scooby Doo Movie! See what happens when you combine future superstar director James Gunn with .. the guy who thought directing the Smurf’s movie and Big’s Mama’s House were good ideas. Oh and with a splash of the guy who wrote the loveable family film Cheaper by the Dozen and the utterly loathed Percy Jackson film. It’s as messy as you’d expect with that.. but is it BAD? good, so bad it’s good, just sorta okay? Come with me as I try to find out under the cut with a full review.

I’ve always loved Scooby Doo. I grew up with the guy, watching reruns of the non-scrappy classic series from Where Are You to the Scooby Doo Movies, the three Superstar 10 movies (Boo Brothers, Ghoul School and Reluctant Werewolf), or the at the time brand new What’s New Scooby Doo. And later in life i’d absolutely adore Mystery Incorporated.. minus the whole Shaggy, Scooby Velma love triangle, but i’ll likely cover that at some point or sooner, you can comission reviews from me for 5 bucks each, 5 dollars off group orders if you really want to make me suffer through that that bad. But getting off self promotion point is I loved and still love the franchise. While I”ve yet to see “Scooby Doo and Guess Who”, though given there’s Weird Al, Kristan Schaal and Urkel episodes you can be sure i’m going to eventually, and Scoob was VERY ehhh even if Dick Dastardly was awesome. But despite my history with the great dane much like with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, despite my rich history with the franchise I haven’t dove in yet and with a friend who could use a nice halloween suprise and loves scooby doo, I figured now was the time to take a look at it. And since i’d been wanting to take a look at it again anyway, and decided going big wasn’t a bad way to start, i’m taking a look at the 2002 Scooby Doo movie. I saw this flim first run in a drive in, and saw the sequel the same way and loved it as a kid, and fondly remember checking out the Sountrack Preview page back before youtube existed to make checking out soundtracks easier. It was a simplier time. And even rewatching it later with my nieces, I found myself liking it. And the thing was almost every time this film comes up it’s with a turned up nose. The CGI, the confused audience, the deciding to cast Freddy Prinze Junior.. all terrible decisions that overshadow the film, when it’s not that bad. It’s not GREAT, but it’s not TERRIBLE either. So what is it then? Well i’ll tells ya. Let’s start with

PRODUCTION: Wait James Gunn Wrote This?

At the turn of the millneium Scooby Doo was back on top. After waning popularity during the Scrappy era, the advent of the warner affilated Cartoon Network meant a whole new generation of kids (raises hand) got to experince Scooby Doo for the first time. This new audeince lead to Scooby Doo on Zombie Island, the first of the franchises 80 or so DTV movies that will continue on long after the earth dies, and brought back the franchise after it’s long slumber. Scooby Doo went from dead to as popular as he was in his hey day again. Naturally Warner wanted to cash in and thus this movie was born. Originally the film was supposed to be a more adult project, a send up of the franchise with more sex jokes and what not than made the final cut according to writer James Gunn. Yes, the same James Gunn who wrote and directed the Guardians of the Galaxy movie and whose currently saving the suicide squad. It was one of Gunn’s earlier films but just from when he’s talked about it, you can tell he genuinely cared about the project. Along for the ride with our future Guardian was his co-writer, Craig Titely, who i’m convinced only came in to do punch ups as the guy has only written three other movies. One of them was being one of MANY writers on Cheaper by the Dozen and thus likely not doing much of note with that, and the other.. is being the only writer on Percy Jackson: The Lightning Thief’s movie adaptation.. aka the movie the fanbase and general audiences rejected in droves yet SOMEHOW got a sequel. Which is somehow still worse than his other film, one that asks “was the moon landing a hoax?” Spoilers, it wasn’t. Point is this isn’t a resume that screams co creator and more screams “Guy brought in to kid freindly this up”. More on that in a minute. The director is another less than reassuring face: Raja Gosnell, whose credits BEFORE this film were Home Alone 3, Never Been Kissed and Big Momma’s house.. so already he dosen’t have the best track record but somehow got worse because AFTER this film and it’s sequel he directed both live action Smurfs Movies and the universally hated Show Dogs, aka the film that thought dog rape was funny. The fact this film isn’t out and out terrible is a miracle.

Even more so because naturally, as Studios tend to do they interfered: The film was supposed to be more adult, cracking jokes about common things fans of the series growing up thought like Velma is Gay or Shaggy’s a stoner, and having both be fully true. But wanting to appeal to kids, Warner gradually lightned it, hence Craig, and Raja clearly having no shame gladly took it instead of you know.. standing his ground. So Velma has a love intrest thrown in and her kiss with Daphne is gone, while Shaggy’s toke smoking was lowered to subtext.. because either of those things is bad apparently? I dunno the 2000′s were fucked.

Point is THAT’S why these films are so tonally confused and why I don’t hold it agains the film now I know: It wasn’t James Gunn or even, as dumb as he is, Raja Gosnell’s fault that the film had some tones clashing when the studio was demanding it, instead of you know, thinking this through at all and realizing more kids cared about Scooby Doo than they would’ve josie and the pussy cats instead of bringing it up DURING production, when most of the adult stuff was in there. It’s also why the sequel has no real adult stuff, though it’s STILL damn good, but i’ll get to that some other day.

The film was also shot at an actual theme park in australia. Neat.

So yeah the film’s humor kind of ping pongs between knowing adult winks and kids stuff. We get Scooby dressing like a grandma in the same film shaggy enhales his demon possed love intrests breath like weed. The jokes themselves on average are pretty good: Some of my faviorites include the grandma scene, everything rowan atkinson does, Velma getting drunk off her ass, and the instructional video bit which is easily my favorite bit of the episode and one of my faviorite scooby doo jokes period:

youtube

This is even FUNNIER to me on rewatch, as we now know this is an instructional video for demons.. and that Scrappy clearly had enough problems with his demon horde to have to pay for this thing. It tis glorious. However there also are also a few that HAVE NOT aged well, are very creepy at best and disgusting sexual assault at worst with Daphne getting her ass grabbed by the Luna Ghost at the start being treated as a joke and Fred oggling Daphne’s body when he’s in it being treated as a ha ha and not...

So yeah the humor’s USUALLY good, but the slipups are noticable and do bring things down a bit when they come by. So the humor is decent if mixed and the production’s a nightmare, how’s the plot? The Plot: Scoob, We’re Getting the Band Back Together!

I won’t be as through as usual because this is a 90 minute movie, I’m running behind as is and it’s 20 years old,

We start with your standard mystery inc case with the Luna Goose, aka Old Man Incel who resented Pamela Anderson for not boning him. But Fred hogging the glory during the resulting News Cast leads the gang to start fighting over lingering tensions: Velma is tired of Fred hogging all the credit when she does most of the legwork solving things, Daphne is tired of being kidnapped and being mistreated by Velma and Freddy who laugh at the idea of her doing more, and Fred..

We’ll get to him later. Shaggy is the only one wanting to stick together, but no one’s having it and the group breaks apart and Matthew LIllard REALLY sells Shaggy’s heartbreak over his friends all abandoning him well.

Two years later though, with Shaggy and Scooby naturally getting stoned and eating large quantities of food on the beach, have made peace with retirement, and have apparently had to duck tons of people coming to them to solve mysteries since they aren’t about that. The latest in that line is a man representing Emile Mondovarius, the owner of Spooky Island, a vast island resort and theme park. Naturally since it has spooky in the name the boys want nothing but Mondovarius does what honestly every previous guy coming to them should’ve done: offers them an all you can eat buffet. Since they’ve done more traumatizing for Dog Treats, they agree and it soon turns out the entire gang was invited, though none of them but Shaggy and Scooby are happy to see each other. I will say one of my complaints about the film is it never tackles the emotions behind the breakup: while the teams slowly repairs there are never any outright apologizes or scenes of them recociling or scenes of Shaggy chewing them out for abandoning him due to their spat. It just skips over the emotional bits to either wave a joke for the kiddies around or scream

Really the jokes aren’t bad, the film just has trouble with actual emotion or depth that could’ve been there and tries for it once in a while, but dosen’t really do anything with it. The gang splitting up’s a good concept, and at this point on Scooby Doo on Zombie Island had really used it, and that was one where they were clearly still close friends and were still in touch they just quit mystery solving for a while till Zombie Island happened. Mystery Incorpreated would finally give this story justice later: Instead of over a petty ego squabble, the gang broke up over underlying tensions: The revelations about Fred’s dad caused him to go try and find himself, Velma alienated herself by hiding things from them, and Shaggy was shipped off to Military School and Scooby doggy prison camp... thankfully the last two didn’t last and Scooby rescued Shaggy with a tank but the tension DIDN’T go away: While the gang mostly reunited, Velma took time to forgive them and also tried bringing in the friend/girlfriend she’d made in the meantime only for her friends to isolate her and throw her out while Daphne took her time to return due to being hurt by fred. It’s complex and good stuff versus here where it’s just “WE’RE APART BECAUSE WE HATES EACH OTHER. And now we’re NOT”. It’s just a waste of a good concept and i’ m glad the franchise got around to doing it right.

But my gripes aside our heroes head to the resort and meet Mondevarious, who admits outright to having tricked then and with confronted with the gang being broken up, makes it clear he knews. “That’s the thing about broken things.. you can put them back together.”

And so he did. He needs the Gang’s help as he’s worried about the island and something going wrong there: The teens are leaving polite, well behaved. and clearly not themselves as one reacts to an old friend by neck lifting him and tossing him aside. Something’s deeply wrong here and the gang’s intrest is piqued enough to stay though everyone but Shaggy is determined to solve it themselves out of ego. Mondvarius is played by Rowan Atkinson and while I watched the bean movie as a kid this is where I fell in love with the guy, with later watches of Blackadder confirming that in my college years. Rowan just brings a fun dorky energy to the character and a nice earnestness too but when he later takes a turn for the bad, he does that well too. Atkinson is HIGHLY underated in my opinon and easily the MVP of this film’s supporting cast. So the investigation begins, and we get our supsects: The first we met on the plane, Mary Jane, a kind blonde played by Isla Fisher who got the job becasue Gosnel, in a rare good decision, saw how talented she was and while still picking Sara Michele Gellar for Daphne, made sure she had a part. She’s a nice sweet girl who Shaggy falls for and Scooby’s annoyed by it.. though unlike earlier the film beats mystery inc easily here as it’s a more understandable conflict and dosen’t act like Dog Issues is a thing people says. Again i’ll get to that clusterfuck of an arc some day. The other two are N’Goo Tuna, a shady worker at the park who spouts off the legends of the island. In a nice twist, he’s NOT the vilian, as is obvious but is his right hand man. He also has his own right hand and muscle in Zarkos a cool looking Luchador and N’Goo’s muscle. Also N’Goo may be one of the worst names in Scooby Doo History, and that includes Dabba Doo. But the legend claims the island was once owned by demons who want revenge since the resort took the island from him.

The other is probably my faviorite non Rowan Atkinson character, Voodoo Maestro, played by Miguel Nunez. He’s basically just a guy who lives on the fringes of the island and also hates the resort and tries using voodoo curses. He’s honestly a delight from his attempt to sacrifice a chicken (An already dead one at that), to his general hammy and annoyed at dealing with these teenagers demeanor. NAturally he has nothing to do with this but he’s still a fun addition and I wish he was in more scnenes than the two he gets. But with what they’ve gathered the gang all end up at a spooky castle attraction, with Scooby and Shaggy of course being bribed by daphne while Velma and Fred show up indpeendntly and end up finding the weird training video from earlier but all get caught when the traps are activiated> There’s also a farting contest which.. eh not funny to me but i’ve seen so much worse i’m not even remotely upset. But then the traps trigger though during the chaos Fred and Velma are forced to work together and finally start doing so, and Daphne finds a clue: A mysterious pyramid known as the damon righus and finally gets some, if not nearly enough, credit. So the gang is back together.. even if it’s a tenative peace, the high from solving this and relay to their boss the suspects, including him, though Fred assures Mondovarius it’s just because he’s spooky and rowan’s character’s delight over that is fucking glorious. So the gang enjoys some down time at the local bar, with Fred and Daphne doing their own look ins, Scooby and Shaggy eating and encountring mary again and Velma getting hit on by a dude while looking over the ritus, revealing it’s some sort of soul sucking aparatus, and going into their history... which is really just an excuse to bring Scrappy in who in this universe, is a horny egotistical little shit whose abandoned as a result. ANd before anyone boos he’s not a puppy here, he’s got.. dog dwarfisim.. which while .. how does that even work... means he’s a grown ass man and deserved this. We also get drunk velma and Linda Caredenlli is a delight

The night gets interupted by terrible cgi monsters, the aformentioned emon who soul suck most of the college kids present and also get fred and velma who both find out these are very much real. We also get the best song on the soundtrack, man with a hex. It slaps. But it makes good chase music as with Mondvarious, Fred and Velma captured, the rest of the gang and mary escape. The next morning we get a surreal as hell scene as everyone’s partying, Fred’s talking in slang and Velma with clevage, thank you, is chatting up.. Sugar Ray? For those younger of you they were a band at the time. They were a big thing. Not half bad but faded away. They looked as 2000′s as hell though. WHy Smash Mouth gets all the memes and not them is beyond me. Look at lead singer Mark McGrath!It’s like the early 2000′s gained sentience and took a human form. But the gang is quickly forced to run from sugar ray, though they get Daphne in a deleted scene. Why it was deleted I dunno. Point is Shaggy, Scooby and Mary are all alone.. oh and Mary’s possessed. Shaggy and Scooby argue over it because Shaggy just thinks Scooby is jealous and while he is .. why would he lie about this? He’s as cowardly as you are. But Scooby falls through the floor, and Shaggy is now going solo but luckily finds his friends souls, and eveyrone elses in a massive cool looking vat and frees them all. Velma, when the demon leaves her and confronts her, finds out sunlight kills the demons and saves Daphne from hers... only to find Fred in her body. Daphne is naturally horrified and we do get a great bodyswapping scene.

Our heroes reconvince on the beach where htey find the Maestro who explains what’s going on to a point, with the gang’s clues filling in the blanks: The ritus, which they stole back earlier, is used for a ritual that will allow the Demons to rule over the earth for “a thousand years of darkness” but it requires a pure soul to work. Cue our big bad talking Scooby into being their willing sacrifice since Scooby dooes not understand what a sacrifice is. Shaggy naturally rallies the group to go save him after their understandably worried since they usually dealt with weirdos in costumes and not the apocalypse.. well okay Velma and Fred aren’t, Daphne dealt with this kind of thing once a week back in Sunnydale. So they set up a plan to destroy all the demons at once by unleashing the soul bath, setting them all loose and then using a spooky disco ball from one of the attractions rigged up over the ritual area to shine the light in. It’s classic scooby doo.

Things naturally go wrong as while Shaggy goes to rescue scooby and makes up with him, he’s caught, so are fred and velma and they have to scramble, while Daphne looses a fight with the luchador up top while trying to let the light in to finish the trap. Meanwhile Shaggy saves Scooby’s soul just as Mondovarious sucks it out by shoving the guy.. revealing him to be a robot! DUN DUN DUN. And inside is Scrappy.. which you all probably knew already but try to act suprise who wanted to conquer the world as revenge for the gang abandoning him and because again, in this universe he’s kind of an asshole. He absorbs the souls gathered so far and merges with the damon ritus, because we’re operating on video game rules now apparently, so final boss time. But we get a great climax as Scrappy chases scooby, Daphne goes buffy on Zarkos ass , and as a result he shatters the glass and lets the light in releasing the disco ball the kill the demons.. man I love that I get to type things like that. Scooby removes the ritus and defeats his nephew and the day is saved. Velma hooks up with random guy, Daphne and Fred get together, I die inside a little and Shaggy and Mary Jane bond. At the press Fred does his good deed for the movie by letting Velma explain things and get the spotlight and the group have firmly reunited. THE END. Overall it’s a solid plot, that works well, comes together in the end and was well put together, it’s more the filling that causes it to tilt back and forth a bit, but overlal outside of the issue I mentioned it’s a good scooby doo plot. While some have pointed out it is similar to zombie island, a case reuniting the gang, the person who brought them there wanting to sacrifice them, or just scooby here, monsters being real, it works because everything else is so different. But since there’s more to break down and it’s easier to give it it’s own section let’s look at...

THE CHARACTERS: NOT HALF BAD, FRED CAN GO FUCK HIMSELF.

So we’re down to character.. and since there’s a blonde, preeening, selfish, arrogant, sleazy, sexist, obnoxious, loud mouthed, useless elephant in the room, let’s start with Fred. And to quote it’s always sunny....

Yeah so that fury of a thousand crashing waves (Cracks Knuckles): Fred is the worst part of this movie, the worst version of the character across the entire franchise that i’ve seen with the sincre doubt that there is ANY version worse than this. Everything I said above is true and THEN some. He is one of the most unlikable characters i’ve seen in a film that wasn’t INTENDED to be. There’s just NOTHING to like about him. Nothing. He treats his “Friends” like garbage, all four of them: He basically ignores shaggy and scooby at best and treats them as if they were nothing. For Velma he’s your classic power abusing douche who pushes her to the side and often steals the credit for things she did. He’s still a good mystery solver, but he acts like he does all the work to the press and takes all the credit when Velma works as hard as he does if not harder. And worst of all is Daphne, who he basically either treats like some moron who gets kidnapped due to incompetence and not because creepy old dudes want to feel her up, which given the intro is VERY likely the reason she’s the resident victim of the group, and not like a person, or like a pair of boobs and legs he wants to bang or feel up creepily while he’s in her body. For fuck’s sake his reaction to finding out he’s in her body is a creepy and smug “I can see myself naaaakeddd” If that dosen’t make you want to smack him get off my blog. And they get together in the end!

Who who wanted that. I genuinely want the presumibly original ending where Daphne and Velma hook up and Fred falls off a pier and is never seen again. The acting does not help. While the other four gang members are expertly cast Fred was given to Freddy Prinze Junior, who made a career out of playing arrogant dicks who are somehow the main character so I can’t fault the casting but I can fault that he can’t delver any line without that smug air of trying to be cool douche and it’s at it’s worst with Fred since Fred’s already written as the biggest creepiest douche in the world and Freddy somehow makes it WORSE. He also has zero chemstiry with Daphne, which would be weird given he and Sarah Michelle Gellar had dated for 2 years at this point and as of this writing have been together for 20 overall and have two wonderful kids together... but given how badly written Fred is here, I can’t blame either of them. And i’m sure FPJ is a swell guy, loves his kids loves his wife seems like a really plesant guy, nothing against him as a person, but at least at this point in his career he wasn’t very good. And I am actually planning on trying to seek out one of his later works in his career to see if he’s gotten better in recent years, and willing to give him the benifit of a doubt that he probably has. I just don’t like him here, and while the script does most of the work he only makes it worse.And works before this (Pup Named Scooby Doo) and after this (Mystery Incorperated) would prove you can give fred a personality that’s not dick tip, so fuck this character, fuck the writing.. and I hope Freddy is having a happy halloween with his loving wife and children, seriously I meant it I have nothing against him as a person. A terrible actor can still be a WONDERFUL guy.

Now that’s thankfully put to bed, let’s pivot over to Shaggy, whose easily the best of the cast. Matthew Lillard looks the part pefectly, has the right combination of heart and goofus and has some great comedic timing. Granted Scream had already proven the guy’s got genuine talent, but still he’s great here and is currently playing Shaggy in most films and productions, except Scoob which.. was far from it’s only mistake but easily the biggest. There’s not much else to say: the guy IS Shaggy and is the only person whose taken up the roll to equal Kasey Casem in it. As for how he’s written.. he’s basically the same and apart from one line of him wanting to leave everyone to their deaths, which feels like it was added later, he’s written really well and is easily the most likeable of the group.

Scooby is alright. Not the best version but funny and charming enough when he needs to be and while I hated the CGI at one point.. it’s honestly not that bad. It’s not GREAT, but time has actually been very good to it both in how it’s held up and in the fact we’ve gotten SO MUCH WORSE with so much better techlogies. I mean.. Cats exists.. Marmaduke Exists.. the Bill Murray Garfield exists. This was offputting at the time but now it’s just okay. But character wise he’s good and again not much diffrent.

Velma is the second best casting of the movie. Played by Linda Cardenelli, who i’ve harbored a crush on for a good few decades now and admire mostly for her talent and charm, Linda kills the roll and easily slips into it as easily as Matt did, and while not picking it up full time like he did, still did it a few times afterword and played hot dog water in mystery incorperated, so she did finally get to play a Lesbian Velma it just took a while. And while Velma being gay is kind of sterotyping, it would’ve been nice to have been kept in instead of edited out for bullshit reasons. But overal her character is decent: While she ALSO bullies and belittles daphne like fred, unlike fred it comes less from just being a douche and more from insecurity. As her scene at the bar makes clear she feels undervalued like the other, like the nerd who the cool kids LET hang out with them instead of part of the team. While it dosen’t make her treatment of Daphne OKAY, it makes Velma understandable. We also get Velma Clevage which.. okay not sure if the world needed that but whatever. Point is it’s throughly likeable portryal that I wish got some character growth. Finally out of the main 5 there’s Daphne, whose alright. Not as good as the other two, as it feels they lean a bit too heavily on her having taken self defense and wanting ot be tougher, but Sarah Michelle Gellar gives her a ton of charm and likeablity that her husband’s character sadly lacks. There’s just a fun, adorable energy to daph that ends up coupling with her buffy style badassery at the end and Sarah plays both beautifully. The script didn’t give her a ton to work with, though that’s the same for all four of htem, but Sarah really made the character work and made her somewhat memorable despite not being as good as Linda or Matthew. Basically not the best, but still a comfortable third ahead of scooby doo and jackass jones.

As for the rest of the cast, Rowan Attkinson i’ve covered and is utterly fantastic as is the Voodoo Maestro, and both should get hteir own hbo max spinoff together. The minons.. stupid name and luchadoor are decent enough, nothign special but they have presence and do the job of goon well. And Mary Jane is alright.. the joke is WAY too on the nose to be funny and she’s mostly just there to be sweet, but she’s harmless. Not good but not bad. So finally we have our big bad, Scrappy. And i’m.. mixed about this. On one hand, Scott Innes, who it turns out is also from Missouri good on you dude!, does a terrific job and I couldn’t tell it wasn’t don messick as Scrappy and he plays him as evil great. On the other.. it’s just kinda goofy. Out of all the tips of hte hat to scooby stuff this feels the most over the top. Scrappy was hated, including by james gunn.. so he’s the bad guy. It’s just a bit on the nose, and the twist is pretty easily teligraphed since Scrappy suspciously is mentioned in one scene so him showing up at all is pretty easy to see coming. It’s not terible but it’s not great. His demon minons also just suck.. the designs are wonky and their cgi, unlike scooby and scrappy’s, is just REALLY bad and dated, and even as a kid I never liked them.

FINAL THOUGHTS: Scooby Doo is a decent but messy movie. The clashing tones, dated humor and godawful version of fred drag it down at times, and it’s very clear this had a lot of hands in the pot. But.. I still enjoy it. It’s not the best scooby ever, tha’ts mystery incorpeated, but it has great atmosphere, some good ideas, an utterly spectacular with one exception cast, and some really funny jokes. I genuinely feel the film is overhated when it’s a unique, weird and wonderful slice of Scooby. For better or worse there’s no other Scooby doo property quite like it, and that’s what makes it so fun. And it has enough good performances and jokes to smooth out the edges. It’s not the best, it’s a mess.. but sometimes a mess is fun and I like this flim for being a fun mess I can enjoy with my nieces and talk about to all of you. And sometimes that’s all you need. Thank you for reading this. If you like this you can comission your own review: 5 bucks for a tv episode, 15 for a movie, 10 for an hour long special, and 5 dollars off when you order more than one episode of a show at a time. Just send me a direct message or ask on here and we’ll get started. Until then you can check out my backlog of reviews, check this space every monday for ducktales reviews, and VOTE DAMMIT VOTE. Until we meet again it’s been a pleasure. Play us out Atomic Fireballs, it’s been a wonderful halloween.

youtube

#scooby doo #james gunn #shaggy rogers #fred jones #velma dinkely #daphne blake #rowan atkinson #sarah michelle gellar #freddy prinze jr #linda cardellini #matthew lillard

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softlywithhissong · 5 years

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I’m calling bullshit on your hate.

STOP STEREOTYPING SANGWOO FANS!

I am a Sangwoo fan. I am also a Bum fan. A strange dichotomy, I know.

Both of these characters exhibit problematic behavior, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be a fan of them, either individually or simultaneously. Does being a fan of either of these characters mean that you support these damaging behaviors in real life? NO. Calling out people who support REAL LIFE crimes is fine, but calling out people who are trying to enjoy being a fan of a FICTIONAL character IS NOT OKAY. You are clearly not helping real life people by doing so. You are being judgemental and self-righteous, shaming people to feel superior and patting yourself on the back for it. You not only contradict yourself several times, but you also act entitled to hate real people for liking something you personally don’t, have the arrogance to proclaim what the author “better not” do, and wish ill on real people. The hypocrisy is appalling. Do you not see the irony? You are not protecting people from real life abuse BY HATING ON REAL LIFE FANS of a fictional character. You are in fact engaging in verbally abusing real life people. It doesn’t matter what the character does; it’s fiction. Are there real people existing out in the big wide world who do crimes or support criminals? Yes, but to generalize, stereotype, and basically accuse FANS of being as bad as the people who do this or to conflate us and lump us together is disgusting, illogical, and highly offensive.

How can we “still stan his ass / this ship”? We can because the beauty of fandom is that you get to pick and choose what you like. You get to twist it up, turn it inside out, and make it into an AU parody of itself. ART IS SUBJECTIVE. It’s about what individual thing each and every one of us found gut wrenching or what pulled at our heartstrings. Don’t invalidate what other people found or resonated with just because it’s not the same thing you did. People fear different things. People emphasize, magnify, and conversely minimize different things based on what concerns each of us individually. That’s okay and people shouldn’t be shamed for having a different opinion. After all, being a fan is a form of opinion. And opinions are not facts. Don’t confuse the two; you holding an opinion does not make your opinion a fact.

Fiction is about emotional catharsis. It doesn’t matter that stealing a car or killing a dog are not crimes worthy of the death penalty in real life - I wanted to see John Wick kill all those fuckers for killing that little puppy.

And NOT ALL MEDIA should have a healthy or happy ending. Was Romeo and Juliet’s double suicide a healthy ending? NO. It was a tragedy! Tragedies have an important place in media. They often serve as cautionary tales. If you want another cliched boring “bad guy dies/goes to jail” ending, WHY ARE YOU SHAMING FANS WHO WANT SOMETHING DIFFERENT? You have an endless supply of your preferred ending. Go watch one of the thousand CSI/detective/cop procedural shows. They are everywhere. While I enjoy psychological thrillers (AS RARE AS THEY ARE), I am also a fan of some great detective shows and murder mysteries. I could recommend so many fantastic ones. But some of us want a unique ending for Killing Stalking, even if that means something “unhealthy” by real life moral standards. It was labeled a psychological thriller, after all. Not a mystery. Not a detective story. It was also labeled BL, and even if it gets a twisted/unhealthy ending because of the psychological thriller genre, it still qualifies because twisted BL is still BL.

I do not excuse Sangwoo’s abusive treatment of Bum. I’m often disappointed and angry on Bum’s behalf. And while I find it difficult to believe canon Bum would be in a healthy relationship with anyone (and I would love to make a post about how I see his fondness for frogs as symbolism for his relationships), I still have the ability to enjoy the possibilities of a healthy fanon-based relationship or even appreciate the grim take of a tragic and/or twisted unhealthy ending. This is how I still ship Sangbum in certain contexts, but not always, because context matters and it depends. I know that sentence sounds ridiculous, but that’s how it works! Because it’s OKAY TO SHIP FICTIONAL UNHEALTHY SHIPS. Because it’s fiction. And if people can vent their issues through the written word in order to not do so in real life, good. Many people find reading/writing therapeutic. Some authors write a lot of problematic behavior as angst. Do they deserve hate? NO. There are plenty of instances when I have shipped a healthy ship but not shipped it (and in fact wanted them not to end up together) in certain fics because I felt the fic had portrayed an unhealthy relationship. But did I send hate to the author of that fic when that ship ended up together anyway? NO. Just because it ended in a way I didn’t like didn’t give me or anyone else the right to spread hate or shame over a fictional story.

Also, as a Bum fan, I do not appreciate seeing any victim blaming of Bum. There’s some out there (including your despicable “Bum better not” comment), but at least this hate is not anywhere near the amount of Sangwoo hate. As a fan of both characters, I can see that there is clearly so much more Sangwoo hate out there. And it’s fine to criticize, dislike, or even hate Sangwoo as a character, but it’s NOT OKAY to hate on his fans. He is a fictional character, but his fans are real people.

I am a fan of Sangwoo because he is an intriguing, complex, and well-written character. He’s got flaws. All characters do. And I understand his flaws are pretty damn big. But I understand that he’s a fictional character. I would never support a real person committing such crimes or abuse. So, frankly, while you may find my being a fan “annoying” - I will not be shamed or hated upon.

To quote my sister, “In the safety of fiction, we can deconstruct the complexities of what’s morally gray.”

In other words, exploration through FICTION, discussion, and debate are welcome. Hateful posts are not.

This is a long post, so I’ll put my further calling bullshit on arguments made by haters behind a “Keep Reading” link:

Also, the criticisms for being a fan because of “fetishizing gay men” are bullshit. Firstly, anything anyone finds hot could be labeled “fetishizing” which is ridiculous. Secondly, some fans are gay men who are not “fetishizing” - they are simply enjoying the story even if it is twisted. (It’s okay to be a fan of a story that portrays an unhealthy relationship; not every story is meant to be a moral standard.) But also, this bullshit argument is just reducing people down to a ridiculous stereotype used to stifle women in fandom. This has been used through the ages and it is wrong. Are there possibly straight women out there objectifying gay men the way straight men would objectify gay women? Yeah, there’s probably some. But I’ve been in fandom a LONG time and this is not representative of fans in general, let alone all female fans. How about you let women consume all forms of media they find identifiable, cathartic, containing unique storyline with complex flawed characters, or even (gasp) entertaining? Stop shaming people. And maybe especially - don’t resort to misogynistic tropes to do so. I think it’s safe to say that fans (including female fans) generally tend to be a fan for more than just a character’s appearance and body parts. There’s usually character traits, personality quirks, things that draw you to go beyond casual reading/watching into becoming a fan.

Personally, I identify with stories portraying gay relationships equally as much if not more than with stories portraying heterosexual relationships. Maybe that’s because I’m bisexual, but I don’t think so. I believe that straight people can also find themselves identifying with the story and the struggles portrayed - no matter what the sexual orientation of the pairing portrayed.

You think I only like portrayals of gay men rather than women? No, I like both. Killing Eve is a fantastic example of a fandom that I would love to see grow! I despair at how small the fandom is compared to my usual fandoms, but it’s new! It can grow and I can’t wait for season 2. The harsh reality, though, is that f/f ships tend to be smaller fandoms. This may be due to so few well-written female characters in general throughout media - though, this is improving and having more female writers in media helps. Killing Eve has great characters and really great writing, so hopefully they can buck this trend and grow a decently large fandom featuring f/f ships. Sara Lance/Ava Sharpe from Legends of Tomorrow are a pretty big ship, which is heartening, and Xena/Gabrielle from Xena Warrior Princess were an absolute juggernaut back in the day (kudos to anyone who recognized Xena from my main tumblr’s icon).

You think I only like hot men? Or that I excuse the actions of killers who are hot men? NO. I watched The Fall with Gillian Anderson and Jamie Dornan, where Jamie Dornan played the serial killer and NO - I was not a fan of his character, let alone attempted to excuse any actions by his character whatsoever, even after they explained his tragic backstory. And You on Netflix is just too obnoxious in my personal opinion for me to even watch. But I’d never take time out of my day to hate on any fan who enjoys it.

Calling out problematic stuff in media is fine, but don’t use it as an excuse to spit vitriol and hate at fans who you disagree with.

P.S. Seriously, ask me for recs of good detective shows/murder mysteries. I’ve got so many I could recommend that are way better written than most. Want a female detective? I’ve got plenty. Want a gay male detective? Got it. Want a murder mystery twist where the murderer wins? Got that.

#Dear Antis #sangwoo #killing stalking #i'm not tagging that hateful poster #because if they don't frequent the tag they spewed their hate in it won't matter #my post wouldn't stop them #but if i can reach the ks fans who do #and encourage this fandom to be nicer to each other #that matters

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davidmann95 · 6 years

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This weeks comics?

So much to cover, and just so we’re all clear upfront, SPOILERS ahead.

Sideways Annual #1: I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to forgive the cover for simply reading “All-out Action, guest-starring Superman” rather than the declaration of “The Champion of the Oppressed is BACK–JUST WHEN THE WORLD NEEDS HIM MOST!” it demanded, but otherwise what a delightful comic. It’s a mess in so many ways given Morrison’s working with what DiDio laid down for him (which he seems to demonstrate hilarious contempt for when he almost literally drops a bridge on the no-hoper who’d been set up as the arc villain before he can do anything) and jumping on mid-stream to boot, but it’s basically just an extended excuse for him to put dialogue in Superman and the Seven Soldiers’ mouths again and remind everyone how rad his takes on them are, and thereby shame us for abandoning the former. Plus give us a taste of what his voice for Spider-Man would be, which it turns out is a perfectly fine one in spite of his past professed skepticism that he could pull it off. And above all to assure us with a smile and the proper send-off (a particularly satisfying one for me personally given my arachnophobia) we never got before that even if we never see our pal cop-punching, bank-busting, casual Fridays Superman again, he’ll be out there, along with all the other cast-off good Superman ideas, helping out wherever he can.

Also, who else caught the nudge and wink about the Tailor, and how that tells devoted Seven Soldiers fans just how much of role Morrison really played in saving his take on Superman?

Batman #60: Batman is…Batman is weird lately. I honestly don’t have anything else to say about this issue, except that the bit with Alfred cleaning was obviously killer.

The Unexpected #6: So Ronan Cliquet is bad, right? Like, we can all agree that dude is just bringing nothing to the table? I’ve never seen pages so plain look so simultaneously cramped and barren. This book has been such a damn disappointment: clearly promises were made about how much space Orlando would have to work on this that have been entirely broken, he’s cutting past what was clearly intended to be dozens of issues of buildup and fleshing-out of the concept to the grand finale, and he’s already obviously and understandably checked out. This should have been one of those “hey, you never heard of _____, but it was quietly one of DC’s best books for awhile there!” titles you learn about 20 years after the fact, but it was stillborn and unable to explore even the slightest sliver of its potential. It’s almost reached a point where it can make me think its coming conclusion is a mercy killing, but then, said conclusion is the problem.

Justice League #11: The debut of the Super-eyepatch! Otherwise, while it’s definitely not my favorite issue thus far of Snyder’s Justice League, it might be the one that feels the most well-realized in terms of getting his vision on the page thanks to Francis Manapul. I desperately hope he sticks on the book past Drowned Earth, because as much as I absolutely love what Jorge Jimenez and Jim Cheung are doing, his vision feels the most in line with the, as Snyder put it, ‘magisterial’ tone this title is going for a lot of the time.

The Green Lantern #1: Not my favorite Morrison title of the week in spite of its lack of clutter and outside influence, to the point where I’d honestly say it initially left me pretty cold, but much as with Morrison’s last major #1 in Action Comics, a reread did wonders for me once I knew what sort of tone I’d be grappling with. I do think it was oddly structured in a way that didn’t benefit it, leading with the mundane-flavored-with-cosmic with the alien beat cops rather than Hal’s more grounded perspective leading into the awe-inspiring, but given it sets up an immediate contrast with his ‘civilian life’, I’d call it a calculated risk that didn’t quite pay off. Hal himself is interestingly realized, this blunt, bored dude who only really comes alive when he’s on the clock, who’s as hyper-competent at his job as you’d think the Greatest Green Lantern Of Them All would be but almost seems to be sleepwalking through his days. It’s when we reach Oa with the mission statement for the Corps that the book really comes together, meshing up the beautiful design sense, an evocation of some of Morrison’s past recurring themes and elements, and raw high concept into the most powerful evocation of the basic idea of Green Lantern’s Deal I’ve ever read. And Liam Sharp mostly does justice by it; I know some find his style off-putting and his anatomy wonky, but he sells the what-if-GL-was-a-2000AD-strip sensibility, and his work has a framing and structure and a tangible, doughy 3Dishness that recalls the flavor of some of Morirson’s best prior collaborations. Not that, to be clear, I don’t think plenty of those prior collaborators couldn’t have done a much better job with this, but I think this’ll pan out just fine.

On top of that a couple minor notes: I suspect David Uzumeri might have been right regarding the possibility that this could be the book where Morrison delves into the basic question of whether superheroes are by nature cops, and thereby police brutality (Maxim Tox and Hal himself both have some startlingly severe moments in here) and the moral feasibility of the whole business. Rather than rethinking his process in his time away, Morrison’s storytelling tics are as prominently on display here as just about anything he’s ever done. And I was genuinely shocked to see the acknowledgement of Manhattan in here - a landmark chapter in The Last War In Albion in the making if ever there was one - right alongside addressing Snyder’s Justice League, making this to my knowledge the only book in the company’s lineup to acknowledge both contenders to the throne of DC’s current actual Important Cosmic-Scale Story. I suppose Lantern is the place where that makes sense, but both bring interesting elements of their own, as with the Source Wall Morrison’s going right on in and acknowledging how other creators have brought his ideas and spirit to the forefront of the DCU in the last several years, and with Manhattan, having a Grant Morrison DC Comic acknowledge the presence of Watchmen characters as parts of the grand scheme of things makes that whole bizarre business feel real in a way even Doomsday Clock itself hasn’t for me.

Adventures of the Super Sons #4: What a charmer! I harped a lot on Pete Tomasi by and large sucking on Superman, because by and large he sucked on Superman, but put that dude on just the right project to play into his strengths and he absolutely shines.

The Dreaming #3: Wound up in my pull file since I’d unsubscribed so recently, and decided to give it one last chance. It’s pretty and confident in what it’s doing and I’m sure lots of people are rightfully getting a lot out of it, but I’m not one of them and it won’t be getting another shot.

Border Town #3: It feels odd to think this given how much positive attention it’s been getting and how well it’s sold for a modern Vertigo book, but Border Town absolutely still feels like the sleeper hit of 2018. It so feels like the sort of comic that I usually can acknowledge the quality of but doesn’t do it for me personally, so I keep picking it up expecting to not quite gel with a given issue, but each time I’m dead damn wrong. It’s brimming with energy and personality on every level, and it’s still early enough that I can’t possibly recommend enough that anyone who hasn’t given it a chance yet jump onboard.

The Wicked + The Divine: The Funnies: Speaking of titles that I can acknowledge the quality of but rarely do it for me, I’ve followed W + D from the beginning on the understanding that the fairly subdued joys I take from it on a month-by-month basis will be eclipsed by the scale of my love for it on a full reread, as was the case with the team’s Young Avengers. But boy did this one buck that trend, because it was a hoot. Honestly couldn’t tell you which was my favorite short, because like half the book is made up of front-runners.

Death of the Inhumans #5: Because Death of Some Inhumans, But Don’t Worry Not Any of the Good Ones, Other than Maximus wouldn’t have shifted as much copy. Donny Cates is establishing himself as a solid mid-tier superhero writer alongside your Tim Seeleys and James Tynions, and Ariel Olivetti’s a treat, but I have to call this one a miss.

Shatterstar #2: As I expected it didn’t grab me as much as the first issue since the tenants aren’t front-and-center, but I’m still digging it to a truly startling extent!

Marvel Knights #1: Okay? I mean, I liked it (aside from the unbelievably poorly-chosen ‘I can sort of see even though I’m blind’ line - had to be a dozen better ways of putting that), but aside from that it’s gritty and involves some of the characters with notable history in the imprint, I have no idea why this is the Marvel Knights 20th Anniversary book as opposed to just a random Marvel miniseries that I suppose could be published under that imprint if you wanted. The conceit feels so odd for the intended purpose.

The Immortal Hulk #8: This book is SO FUCKING GOOD ALL OF THE TIME AT EVERYTHING AND YOU ALL NEED TO BUY IT AND TELL YOUR FRIENDS ABOUT IT. CHRIST. Still the best super-shit on the stands.

DC Nation #6: Yanick Paquette needs to write Batman explaining science so as to teach us how to better fight crime for as long as he lives, if not in fact longer.

#Grant Morrison #Superman #Green Lantern #The Unexpected #Border Town #DC Comics #Marvel #Liam Sharp #Week's Comics #Opinion

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readygamerone · 6 years

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Chapter 19: The Hairless Gunter

It's been a few weeks since Art3mis "dumped" Wade (never mind that she was only named as his "pseudo-girlfriend" just in the previous chapter) and he's not taking it very well. The only thing that can get him out of bed is setting his alarm to a Wham! song, which he hates so much that he can't help but get up. Do I think it's absolutely damning that the first piece of 80s pop culture that Wade outright "loathes" was recorded by a gay man? No but it's certainly something worth mentioning. Particularly because the only other notable thing about the first half of this chapter is Wade plugging the fictional products and companies that occupy his meager gunting lair. We get to hear all about the components for his OASIS rig, produced by corporations with names like Odinware, Dinatro and Shaptic. Model numbers like HC5000 and RLR-7800 are included as well. As if namedropping K-Mart and Aquafresh wasn't bad enough, even made-up brands have to be venerated to the smallest detail.

Luckily, Shaptic just isn't in the gaming accessory business. They also make sex dolls, which Wade purchases in an attempt to chase away his feelings of loneliness and heartbreak:

"Driven by loneliness, curiosity, and raging teen hormones, I’d purchased a midrange ACHD, the Shaptic ÜberBetty, a few weeks after Art3mis stopped speaking to me. After spending several highly unproductive days inside a stand-alone brothel simulation called the Pleasuredome, I’d gotten rid of the doll, out of a combination of shame and self-preservation. I’d wasted thousands of credits, missed a whole week of work, and was on the verge of completely abandoning my quest for the egg when I confronted the grim realization that virtual sex, no matter how realistic, was really nothing but glorified, computer-assisted masturbation. At the end of the day, I was still a virgin, all alone in a dark room, humping a lubed-up robot. So I got rid of the ACHD and went back to spanking the monkey the old-fashioned way."

"Oh no, he finally brought up beating off," you might be thinking. Unfortunately, he's just getting started.

I felt no shame about masturbating. Thanks to Anorak’s Almanac, I now thought of it as a normal bodily function, as necessary and natural as sleeping or eating.

AA 241:87—I would argue that masturbation is the human animal’s most important adaptation. The very cornerstone of our technological civilization. Our hands evolved to grip tools, all right—including our own. You see, thinkers, inventors, and scientists are usually geeks, and geeks have a harder time getting laid than anyone. Without the built-in sexual release valve provided by masturbation, it’s doubtful that early humans would have ever mastered the secrets of fi re or discovered the wheel. And you can bet that Galileo, Newton, and Einstein never would have made their discoveries if they hadn’t first been able to clear their heads by slapping the salami (or “knocking a few protons off the old hydrogen atom”). The same goes for Marie Curie. Before she discovered radium, you can be certain she first discovered the little man in the canoe.

It wasn’t one of Halliday’s more popular theories, but I liked it.

There's a lot to unpack here.

You've got the statement that human scientific achievement is directly linked to masturbation, as if no animal had ever pleasured itself.

Then you have the listing of famous intellectuals who were surely only successful because of beating off, which ignores how much Galileo and Einstein loved to fuck, often outside of marriage.

And I was never the best student of chemistry, but I'm pretty sure that hydrogen atoms have to have only one proton or they stop being hydrogen altogether.

Gotta love that the King Nerd, whose #1 fan advocates for rational scientific pursuits over helping the wretched masses, doesn't know dick about anything outside of John Hughes movies. I can't imagine why this "theory" isn't more popular with his fans!

There's basically nothing more to this chapter at this point, thankfully. Wade describes the workout routine he forced himself to undergo to maintain his health in his NEET cave. And that his automatic shower blasts him with a hair-removing liquid, making him totally smooth from head-to-toe in order to cut down on time-consuming grooming. As he sits down to begin another grueling gunting session, Wade has a brief pang of regret at the isolation that he has imposed upon himself. But I'm not going to be generous and allow that to be anything but moping brought on by his one and only love interest rejecting him. Especially given how he still callously disregards the news of "war, rioting, famine" that his AI software tries to present to him. Sure enough, this brief moment of self-reflection is swept away as soon as the OASIS powers on, delivering him to the only place where he feels like he has worth and stimulates his reward centers.

Pop Culture References: 19 (1.9 per page)

Movies Vision Quest I

Television Max Headroom IIIII III Buck Rogers in the 25th Century II Silver Spoons I Star Trek I

Music Wham! I Plimsouls I John Waite I They Might Be Giants I

Books Rumpelstiltskin I

Brands Coca-Cola I

#ready player one

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illusivegore · 5 years

Text

31 for 31: Gore Horror Reviews – Part 1

Note: This series was never completed due to personal issues.

31 for 31 (not to be confused with ESPN’s 30 for 30 movie series, which I totally didn’t rip off) is a series of articles where I cover a different horror movie for each day in October. A few years back I tried something similar to this feature where I attempted to watch and review a movie every day throughout the month of October. That idea quickly ran out steam as I couldn’t keep up with the task, so this year I’ve decided to try something a little different. This time around, I’m still planning on covering 31 different movies, but it will be broken down into four parts that will go up about once a week throughout the month.

I’m also not trying to break down each of these movies or write in-depth reviews. Instead this is just going to be a more laid back series of articles. I’ll still give you my final score for each movie (because people love scores), but think of this more like a blog. So with all that out of the way, hopefully I can help guide you towards something worth watching during my favorite time of the year.

-1- The Conjuring

2013 | R | 1h 52m

Based on one of the real-life cases of famed paranormal investigators Ed and Lorraine Warren, The Conjuring tells the story of a Rhode Island family that is being tormented by what appears to be a demonic force. I’m normally not a fan of possession/exorcism movies (I think The Exorcist is one of the most overrated movies ever made), but when I watched The Conjuring back in 2013 I loved it. I have to say, after watching it again for this article, it definitely holds up. Even though I’d already seen it and was watching it in the middle of the day there were still parts that creeped me out and had me on edge. It’s the perfect combination of psychological and jump scares and also features some pretty decent acting. It’s honestly one of the best horror films I’ve seen in the last decade and I think everyone should watch it.

Score: 5 out of 5

-2- The Conjuring 2

2016 | R | 2h 14m

The Conjuring 2 takes things across the pond to England where another family is being tormented by a demonic force and is based on the real-life Enfield haunting. The first half of the movie is about on par with its predecessor, as it creates a palpable tension and is genuinely frightening. Unfortunately, as the film progresses it starts to go a bit off the rails. Most of the scare tactics were used up in the beginning, so repeated scares had little affect. I mean, you can only be scared by something suddenly appearing on screen accompanied by a loud noise so many times before it gets played out. There were also times where the film just felt downright campy, which I normally don’t mind, but it felt out of place in this particular movie. All that said, The Conjuring 2 still tells an interesting story and is better than most other horror films from recent years. It’s good and deserves a watch, but It does fall short of living up to the original.

Score: 4 out of 5

-3- Don’t Breathe

2016 | R | 1h 28m

Three thieves, each with their own motives, decide to break into the home of a blind veteran in hopes of nabbing an easy $300,000. That’s the simple premise behind Don’t Breathe, but when the blind man turns the tables on the would-be thieves and they end up trapped in his home, simplicity goes out the window. I wouldn’t say it’s a groundbreaking moment for the genre, but with a few twists and a lot of tension, Don’t Breathe is a damn solid film and one I’d highly recommend checking out.

Score: 4 out of 5

-4- Ghostbusters

2016 | PG-13 | 2h 14m

The original Ghostbusters is one of my favorite movies, but unlike many other “fans” I was actually looking forward to the Ghostbusters reboot from last year. Unfortunately, all the whiny little internet trolls got their wish and said reboot turned out to be pretty bad. The pacing is atrocious and the writing is even worse. I have zero problems with the cast. In fact I like each member of the Ghostbusters team quite a bit. It’s just a shame that the writing is so terrible that none of them could actually shine. I did feel that, if written properly, these characters could have been the perfect collection of new Ghostbusters. There were some small glimmers of hope like the variety of new weapons and gadgets at the busters’ disposal, as well as the talented cast, that I know a possible sequel could be great. I guess we will have to see if it ever manifests though. Until then, I think it’s best to just forget this particular entry even exists.

Score: 1 out of 5

-5- It Follows

2014 | R | 1h 47m

Until I watched It Follows, it seemed like a film that people either loved or hated. I guess I bucked that trend because I fell somewhere in the middle and thought it was just okay. The premise is basically that characters are pursued by some sort of supernatural entity and the only way to free themselves from its pursuit it to pass it on to someone else through sexual intercourse. There were some genuinely creepy and disturbing moments, but there were also plenty of moments that just fell flat thanks to sub par acting. If I had to point to one thing that I found particularly great, it would be the soundtrack which was done by Disasterpiece, who worked on the games Fez and Hyper Light Drifter. If you’re a horror fan, I think It Follows is a movie you should watch at least once, if for nothing more than to see what all the hype is about.

Score: 3 out of 5

-6- Krampus

2015 | PG-13 | 1hr 38m

Two things I particularly enjoy in the horror genre are movies with a Christmas theme and those that integrate comedy. Krampus does both of these nearly perfectly. There’s nothing more unsettling than seeing people being terrorized during what is supposed to be one of the happiest times of the year. While it’s not the scariest movie you’ll probably ever see, between homicidal gingerbread men, grotesque children’s toys, and freaky little elves there’s just so much to love about Krampus.

Score: 4 out of 5

-7- The Midnight After

2014 | NR | 2h 2m

I originally watched The Midnight After on a whim and I’m glad I did because it’s kind of fantastic. Set in Hong Kong, a group of strangers catch a late night ride on a minibus and soon realize they are the only people left in the city. What follows is one wild ride of a movie filled with a ton of bizarre and off-the-wall moments. Some of these moments actually kept me thinking about the film days after I watched it. It really is a movie that has to be seen to best understand and, if you have Netflix, you should definitely give it a shot.

Score: 4 out of 5

-8- Train to Busan

2016 | NR | 1h 58m

Prior to watching Train to Busan I had heard great things about it and I’m thrilled to say that it did not disappoint. In a genre that has been over saturated by zombies in the last few years, Train to Busan feels like a fresh take. It displays one the most brutal and relentless depictions of zombies I’ve ever seen in a movie and it also features a cast of endearing characters that I actually came to care about. There were also a handful of jaw-dropping moments that I wasn’t expecting to see. I can’t say enough good things about Train to Busan. It’s absolutely a movie that all horror or zombie fans should check out.

Score: 5 out of 5

#movies #review #reviews #horror

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nautilusopus · 7 years

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1, 10, 46

1. How did you get into FFVII?

As much as I bitch about how the original game was the best and everything afterwards was terrible, I’m actually comparatively a latecomer. Funny story – I was just gonna shit all over this game and call it a day, initially.

‘Twas the far off year of 2008-ish. The emo subculture was alive and well, nobody would shut the fuck up about Haruhi Suzumiya and how it was the Greatest Anime Ever, Legendary Frog’s career had just started to peeter out, and Let’s Plays were only just starting to become A Thing. Since the market wasn’t oversaturated to the point of self-parody at times, it was anyone’s game back then. You had your Chuggaaconroy, your Slowbeef and Beetus, your Pokecapn, your Red Chocobo/Orbital Grouse, but little else. I’d just gotten done watching the Brand Spanking New Sonic 06 LP and I figured, “hey, anyone can do this! I’ll just find a famously bad game and tear it a new asshole on the internet and get and become internet famous”.

Back then it was also in vogue to talk about how terrible and overrated VII was and how it was actually an awful game, and I was right at the goddamn forefront of that particular bandwagon. If you’re ever going through some long-forgotten internet forum crypt and find some Guest taunting people about how Final Fantasy VII is a Bad Game for emo fags and Cloud is gay and cuts himself and Sephiroth isn’t as cool as Kefka? There’s a good chance it was me (I had played neither VII nor VI at the time, it’s worth noting. I just knew that was the thing you were supposed to say.) The number one rebuttal at that point to most of the shit we’d say was “dude did you even play the games?” and the answer was no, but of course, you didn’t need to, right? You could ascertain everything you needed to know about it via Internet Vogue Opinion Osmosis. So that was obviously all there was to know about the game at all, end of story.

Also I saw a bit of Dirge. Did nothing to help my opinion of the franchise at all.

So, I had my Definitely Shitty Game, I picked up a used copy for fifteen bucks (a real bargain, even back then), and I sat down to complain loudly about everything that could possibly be complained about and prove all those haterzz wrong. I did pretty well for the first three hours – The Graphics are Bad™, Cloud is a Douchebag and I Hate Him™ (that’s another thing, I fucking despised Cloud at first), Aeris is a Mary Sue™, Tifa is Boring™, Sephiroth is Gay and Fucks His Mother™, Who Is This Black Man Why Did Nobody Tell Me About Him™, et cetera. Wall Market earned a few brownie points with me just out of shock value alone, since before that point my main exposure to T and M rated content had been Metal Gear Solid and the tone that adult content is handled with in each of them is quite different.

Then I hit the Shinra Tower segment and found the President dead at his desk and went through the chase scene afterwards. Been a diehard fan ever since. Never looked back.

It’s difficult to describe the exact moment where I realised “hooooly shit I was wrong about everything this game is fucking amazing”, but I think a lot of it can be summed up with the idea that it took every preconceived notion that I had developed about what the game absolutely must be like and smashed them to pieces. The characters were expertly written, the story was complex and surreal and bittersweet and funny without ever feeling like they needed to sacrifice levity for drama or vice versa. You have to realise, if you were generally familiar with traditional RPGs like I was back then and then went into VII expecting the same traditional RPG setup, this game would have blown your goddamn mind. A lot of what’s taken for granted about how story-heavy games are written nowadays stemmed from VII, and in complaining about it being overhyped, one does have to realise it was hyped as much as it was initially for a really good reason. I knew about Aeris by then, everyone did. What I didn’t know about was the sheer magnitude of everything else in the story that nobody ever fucking talked about because how could you possibly, and people are still debating about it all to this day. You can’t gush about the brilliance of the plot twist on disc 2 and the subtleties it reveals about Cloud’s character the same way you can about “Oh man did you see when Aeris dies that was so sad guys”, or the questions the game poses about what makes you you in terms of validation and guilt and identity, and the mature insightful take it had on mental illness that is rarely matched even to this day, and the innovative way where they decided that death wasn’t heroic or glamorous or beautiful or tragic but instead just sucks and hurts a whole fucking lot and comes to everyone in the end the way you can about “WHOA THAT SUMMON CUTSCENE WAS FOUR MINUTES LONG AND THAT DRAGON BLEW UP A CONTINENT”.

(And then I played Dirge and Crisis Core and saw the movies and was crushed because it went and proved thirteen year-old me right about all the stupid bullshit I said because it was the opposite of everything I ever loved about the original. God damn you, Nojima, you hack.)

VII is a good fucking game and it has the box quote it does for a damn good reason. Go play it.

Since then I’ve always tried to avoid buying into internet hype about when a game is supposedly bad, because I almost made the same mistake all over again with Undertale. It says a lot about VII that I actively tried to hate it as much as I possibly could whether it was necessary or not and still wound up absolutely loving it. You never know, is all I’m saying. Make your own decisions.

10. A NOTP?

ACGZsvs Statutory Rape Gangbang

1.Cloud is 14-16, that’s gross. Like, with Zack, it’s alright I guess, but everything else is gross.

2. All of these people are his fucking bosses and outrank him ten times over. In a military setting. That’s extra gross. And fraternisation. (Also are you telling me Shinra doesn’t publicly execute any sort of insubordiation via firing squad on live television, especially with their top weapons?)

3. It’s illustrative of basically everything I hate about the fandom and the Compilation and the way Crisis Core went out of its way to write everyone that isn’t a the young white male marketable/shippable character out of everything even remotely resembling relevance, and how the fandom is not only absolutely fine with this, but completely on board with it all because it means they get more prettyboys to ship. Aeris is Zack’s accessory. Tifa isn’t even fucking in it. Barret? Who the fuck is Barret? Oh he’s not willowy enough and black so who cares. Nobody cares what happens to the story or the characters (or even Cloud’s arc, good god) as long a they have more material for their doujins. I hate it more than I can possibly find the words to express.

46. Favorite song in the OST?

Ah geez, this is actually a really tough one for me. I guess there’s four that really stand out for me.

I really like Cait Sith’s theme, which is actually my ringtone and has been for years because I really like jazz or anything remotely resembling jazz.

youtube

Pretty good one. Works nicely with the electric keyboard midi.

Jenova Absolute, the one I linked to earlier, is another favourite, and also my favourite boss theme, even moreso than J-E-N-O-V-A. I actually went and learned how to play it on the piano and everything, and a full arrangement of that with multiple piano tracks was gonna be my “200 follower” present to you all except then I got mic problems and then I got really lazy and then I forgot about it, so the ETA on that is “eventually probably”.

youtube

You Can Hear The Cry Of The Planet is a really good one. Very pretty, kinda spooky, vaguely alien, and sort of ominous considering what’s coming, which also plays in my favourite (also really pretty, kinda spooky, vaguely alien, and sort of ominous considering what’s coming) location in the game. It’s a shame this is the only place it plays in one location in the game. Sometimes I drive all the way back here just to listen to this one track.

The last one is another exclusive track that’s very pretty and vaguely alien (well it plays in that marshy area on disc 3 but that doesn’t count) and plays during my favourite scene in the game.

youtube

Even hearing this sets off the same step-on-my-goddamn-heart response it did all those years ago. It’s sad. Not even like “sad”, sad like you’d usually think when you hear “sad”, it’s just… sad. That’s it. That’s all he had and that’s gone and that’s it, and he just kinda unhinges because it’s all he can do. I consider this one Cloud’s theme as much as his actual theme is his theme.

Fuck I wanna play this game again now.

#tw: self-harm #asks #forfdorfsorf #tw: rape #Squid Alienates VII Fans #fury-brand #longpost is long

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auburnfamilynews · 4 years

Link

Derick E. Hingle-USA TODAY Sports

Welcome back, Tiger fans! Hope everyone has enjoyed their time over the Christmas holidays and is ready to get a head start on those New Year’s resolutions today by...sitting somewhere comfortable with a tasty beverage in hand to watch what is hopefully (but probably not!) excellent football that’s not involving Auburn today (NO STRESS YET!).

With that in mind, let’s dive right in, shall we?

Peach Bowl - LSU vs. Oklahoma - 3:00 PM God’s time zone

Today is a tough edition of the Index to write for yours truly. See, a lot of folks have some very deep, real feelings of hate for the fanbase of Louisiana State University. I myself have been told that “Auburn ain’t sh*t” by a kid who had to be less than 10 years old before the 2005 John Vaughn game in Baton Rouge. I offered to go to jail with a Louisiana gentleman during the game by way to beating his ass for running up to my father and screaming in his face after a Skylar Green punt return for a TD (WHY DOES THAT HAPPEN SO MUCH NOW I’M DEFEATING MY OWN POINT HERE BECAUSE I’M THINKING BACK TO 2017 WHY GOD WHY). I was sober. The gentleman declined.

What I’m saying is that I get it. They can be awful. “But Josh, every fanbase in the SEC has fans like that!”, people might say. Which is total crap. There’s no other fanbase in any stadium I’ve ever been to that the fans have spit on me aside from those in red and black. There is only ONE fanbase in America that would have a fan have his entire personal identity so wrapped up in a football program that after a loss he would wait a few days then drive to Auburn’s campus and poison historic and cherished trees. Show me anything close to that at Auburn. Maybe we do have some of that, but from a sheer volume perspective, it’s hard to find any orange and blue needles in crimson, white, red, and black haystack.

Which leads me back to LSU. Why don’t I include them in above haystack? Especially after some of the crap I’ve had to put up with down there? Because I’ve gotten to know a fair amount of these people. When I think about LSU’s fanbase, I think about the Valley Shook crew and their tailgate, led by Zach Rau, and how truly welcoming they are. I think of how much I love getting a group of my friends in Baton Rouge to go to Juban’s or Adrian’s and have a Hallelujah Crab the night before a game.

@JoshBlack Instagram

Hallelujah Crab - Apologies for the NSFW nature of this picture

I also kinda love the nature of this LSU team. They are so engulfed in state pride, which is a legitimate, non-confederate thing for that region of the southern United States. They have an underdog Cajun head coach who I would want to run through a brick wall for if I played for him. They have a quarterback in Joe Burrow that Ohio State didn’t want, who went down to LSU and earned where he is today. And the only time they really had the hell scared out of them this year was against us, and have actually shown a decent amount of respect to us in my corner of the twitter-verse over it.

And let’s talk about one other thing that pushes me towards LSU in this game...Jalen Hurts. Sure I like the kid fine. His story is a great one. But you know who is pulling for Jalen Hurts today? Tide fans. Because they need to identify with some form of greatness out of their own insecurities instead of just sitting back and enjoying the day. Oh yeah sure, we’ve all been happy for Jalen to have success away from Alabama this year. But now that they’re irrelevant, they’ve got to find a way to feel relevant. Jalen Hurts is the avenue to that for their psyche.

But you know what? The Index doesn’t give a damn about my feelings or yours. There’s not one damn thing to gain for our Auburn Tigers by LSU winning today. LSU having another national championship trophy in Baton Rouge actually hurts Auburn in recruiting. It doesn’t “enhance” the SEC at this point. It doesn’t make us look any better. Our record in 2019 is our record. But give a recruiter like Ed Orgeron a national title to show rings to 5 Star recruits in Mobile, AL? No thank you.

And don’t give me the, “But Josh, a strong LSU and Auburn means a weaker Alabama!” No. Auburn doesn’t need help from anyone in the SEC West in weakening Alabama. The SEC East is another story (YEAH TENNESSEE I’M TALKING ABOUT YOU and also LOL Georgia you have BLOWN the literal best shot you’ve had in 40 years because you seemingly CAN’T beat Alabama thanks to not getting out of your own way).

So with that in mind, and with a heavy heart for the good people of Louisiana, I say...

BAH GOD...

Photo by Jackson Laizure/Oklahoma/Getty Images

...BOOMER SOONER!

Fiesta Bowl - Clemson vs. Ohio State - 7:00 PM God’s time zone

We are all so sick of Dabo and his bellyaching about undervaluing Clemson. Their schedule sucks. I mean when you’re toughest test is against a Kellen Mond led Texas A&M at home, you don’t have a lot of room to talk in terms of resume.

Where you do have room to talk is having a death machine program that flips a switch every November without looking back and is primed and ready to get the credit they deserve in the College Football Playoff. I mean, we see it every single year. This is a loaded team that no one is talking about that may end up winning the whole dang thing.

On the other side we are all enjoying Justin Fields play quarterback for someone other than the University of Georgia. If we’re being honest, Fields should be at Auburn. Kirby Smart is a real asshole when it comes to negative recruiting, telling Fields that we would move him to another position if he signed here. Fields was extremely interested in Auburn after decommiting from Penn State prior to signing with Georgia. So yeah, it’s an absolute pleasure watching Justin Fields do the thing away from Georgia while they legitimately ponder if they will be able to score enough points to beat Baylor.

But here’s the thing about Ohio State...there’s always this...

Oh God ew gross

Those three people deserve disappointment. Why? Because why the hell not? There’s also the whole thing of the fanbase at large defending Urban Meyer for keeping an abusive husband on his staff while arrogantly thinking he could be part of the solution instead of the law. That’s beyond shameful.

But you know what? The Index is only biased towards the benefit of our Auburn University Tigers. I recognize the need for Ohio State to feel pain and agony, but there’s potential for that to happen on a larger stage in a week. This boils down once again to recruiting for the Index. We’re going head to head against Clemson for kids in Georgia and even Alabama at times. 3 titles in 5 years puts them on a level all by themself and serves to harm Auburn’s efforts on Signing Day.

So with that in mind let’s get this over with because I think I’m gonna be sick...

Go Bucks.

Oof that was gross. Let’s not ever do that again. I don’t ever want to be on the same side of an argument as folks that see fit to pour chili over spaghetti noodles. Anyways, there it is folks, a terrible national championship game with no southern flavor in New Orleans. This is the best outcome for Auburn based on who we recruit against. It’s awful. It’s ruined. Which makes it perfect.

WAR EAGLE!

from College and Magnolia - All Posts https://www.collegeandmagnolia.com/2019/12/28/21040244/rootability-index-college-football-playoff-edition

#IFTTT #Blogger #auburn #auburn fast #wareagle #AuburnFamilyNews #war eagle #sec #football news #aubu

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rfschatten · 7 years

Link

"You learn, just as you learn good manners, how to approach things with a certain amount of Diplomacy" ~~~ Robert MacNeil

When you have Kim Jong-un & Donald Trump; 2 impulsive Psychopaths, dreadfully Callow, Egocentrics, and raving stark Narcissists…what can ever possibly go wrong??

Admiration for someone's "Leadership" in the World, should be based on his or her positive accomplishments, not on a person's constant failures in Foreign Affairs throughout the World. An Administration without a solitary sense of Wisdom or Moral Leadership cannot Lead a Nation…and consequently, because of their actions…cannot ever lead a Free World!

Diplomacy? In the Era of Trump? Where Immorality, Obscenity, crass Disrespect, Bad Manners, and Systematic Hatred reigns supreme?…Diplomacy, like Decorum…is a nasty dirty word in TrumpWorld!

Now, you got two Man-Babies holding pissing contests over waging Nuclear Annihilation. And all just for that ever-present "Limelight"!…they're both passionately in love with themselves, and in love with those Lights & Cameras. And the Notoriety that comes along…no matter whether it's the Fame or the Infamy!

There have been many models studied on ways Thermal Nuclear Warfare might be started...but, in today's world, where nothing is Traditional or Rational? Who would've ever thought both sides would be disputing, who wants to end the World, 1st??

Yes! Both sides are led by Childish, Egocentric, Spoiled Temperamental Brats! Two Big Fat grown-up Bullies, both ironically, with really tiny little hands. And just to think; These whiney little Man-Childs might be responsible for the end of this world!

Both, extremely Immoral, obscene human beings, whom neither of them understands a single meaning of Critical Thinking, nor Logic or Rationality. These two ding dongs? Basically, neither of them knows how to Reason whatsoever! Not good! when these 2 little fat clowns have matching Red Buttons at their disposal!

What civilized people understand and imbecile Trumpers can't ever get it right; If the sh*t ever hits the fan for North Korea, and the United States uses a Preemptive 1st Strike with Nuclear Warheads, the fanatic North will not ever surrender! If death is imminent, they'll simply Nuke neighboring Seoul, South Korea…and maybe Japan…before they're all vaporized together and cease to exist. "We may be Dead, but we still Win...argh"!! Yea! it's from a little movie that proves; all the Nuclear Power… without an Intelligent Leadership, doesn't really mean diddly squat!

Does anyone know the cost of waging war with North Korea? The Physical and Financial Loss? The tragic death toll in the Multimillions…at least 25 Million in North Korea? and 51.44 in South Korea? Don't forget, South Korea is among the world giants in the Auto Industry, the Tech Industry, in Commerce, and Banks! Their GDP (PPP) for 2017 is $2,030 Billion!! It'll be the Crash heard around the World! The Human Loss! and the Collapse of the World's Markets! A financial devastation unequal to anything ever seen before. The US? what's left of us?...it'll take 100 years or more, rebuilding our Society to make America Great Again!

Our problem?...and the World's?...is that we have 2 Dysfunctional Human Beings!!! One rules a Country cause he's the 3rd "God" of North Korea, following his Father, Kim Jung-iI (God II), a famed collector of Porno Flicks...and his equally crazy Grandfather, Kim il-Sung, the originator of the horsesh*t tale on how he became Korea's chosen God! This rotund little guy is sure following in the footsteps of a lot of horsesh*t! The Other? A Bullsh*t Artist, Con-Artist, Liar extraordinaire, incredibly incompetent, and a seriously inept and unqualified Humanoid to lead a Nation!...he's not even qualified to by a Father!

Don the Con is a cheat, who cheated in Politics like he cheats in life…all his life...and had Russia hand him an election, without getting a Majority! America's Leader is selected by the Majority of the American Voters….technically, he may be a leader in "Name Only" or the Leader of the entire Universe within his own imagination!…but he's not the true Leader of this Nation! The majority of the United States has already voiced 'that' opinion by who they voted for! And if the Russians did assist this Orange Clown, the legitimacy of the Election is thrown out the window…null and void! Is Trump an Illegitimate President??

When all this drama ends, if he gets his Nuke War? I 'will' guarantee you; a man disguised as a Mexican with a big mustache and a big Mexican hat will start inquiring on a Travel Visa & a one-way ticket to South America...under the name; "D. Drumpf". All those good so-called "moral" Christians may get their Armageddon opportunity, after all, thanks to their love for an Idiot, who's always full of sound & fury but never actually signifying, absolutely nothing!

America's biggest problem…and complication…in negotiating Foreign Policy, is Donald Trump. A man who doesn't listen to anyone doesn't take advice from anyone! and who truly believes he's the World's Greatest Salesman! Well? At least, He's proving one thing; He's the World's Greatest Sucker…a schmuck, who's become the easiest "Mark", World Leaders & Politicos everywhere have to exploit and manipulate to their heart's desire!

And as complications continue to set-in on the negotiation efforts by the most amateurish, unqualified State Department in American History, more complications continue to pile up for the United States…and now, just to pour a 'little' gasoline over the fire?…Vladimir Putin stated Russia will "support" North Korea Militarily if ever attacked in a Pre-emptive 1st Strike. And recently, told the United Nations he would not abide by their sanctions and continue to export Oil to Pyongyang. China too offered the same conditions for Military support and also refused to recognize the sanctions. They too will continue to export 'their' Oil to North Korea.

This whole Korean conundrum is what happens when a totally Incompetent President and a totally Incompetent State Dept. takes hold of Foreign Policy. Our Leader and his Crony Sec. of State have absolutely no experience or understanding of International Foreign Affairs, on Diplomatic Engagements and Skills, or how it all works in World Politics!! Using Military Options cause they exhausted all talks?? BULLSH*T!!

How in the hell can any talks even be held between the Countries involved, if the State Dept...with all the tension of Nuclear War and Armageddon…still has no Ambassador in place in South Korea? Or in China? Or in Japan? And no Undersecretary of State for Asian Affairs? More than 30 countries still lack US Ambassadors, Embassies under budget, and all running dangerously understaffed!!...and then, you hear the constant hypocrisy of the GOP, always bitching about Benghazi?!?! The next Benghazi? Any of a couple of Dozen Embassies with no Ambassadors, a very small Budget & a very small Staff!!!...in all seriousness, God help them!!

As tension grows, the military escalation by Korea and the US continues to grow...and while the tension of Nuclear War spreads around the World...the White House's (actually Rex Tillerson's) official schpiel on their beloved leader was; "Don't listen to what Donald Trump ever says".

Don't listen? don't Listen?? Improvising, or flat out Lies!...Donald Trump simply does not understand or just lacks the knowledge that as President of the United States...anything he says represents America's position, and is taken as his official "word". He definitely lacks the academic knowledge…or did you really expect Donald Trump to turn into a respected Gentleman, Statesman, and Scholar??

Don't believe what Trump said in the United Nations?...His speech declaring himself "Ronan the Accuser" and threatening a Wrath of Hell on North Korea? I know what Rex said after another of Trump's Rants, and Mattis made sure to say it after this speech…don't listen or believe Trump. But, you really got to feel sorry for Kelly. This man can't ever raise his head in public from the shame and embarrassment his boss brings to him! His expressions and body language say it all!

Sorry, Donny! You flunked again in the World of Diplomatic Decorum, Barack Obama you'll never be! nor will you ever reach up to his level. Which is why You, Sir! are so deeply deeply jealous of 44! Live with it, you can't change reality!

The Man-Baby War of Imbecility that can exterminate mankind. As rhetoric continues to escalate between these 2 totally incompetent fools, our readiness level is reaching "DEFCON 1"!!...the "Cocked Pistol" is loaded and ready to unload a Nuclear War!

Like Slim Pickens' Wild Ride down the B52's bomb bay doors...I believe that if Trump ever drops his damn Bomb...it's only appropriate, Trump to be 'Forced' to Ride It Down like a Bucking Bronco, and waving a Big Cowboy Hat! Yippy Kai Yay! Motherf*cker!...and Adios, Amigo!!

#donald trump #north korea #south korea #china #japan #nuclear war #united nations #kim u #kim jong-un #john kelly #fascists #war

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wrestlingisfake · 7 years

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G1 Climax A Block finals preview

This airs Friday, August 11th at 5:30am Eastern time, so plan on spending all morning avoiding spoilers until you have time to watch it.

Hiroshi Tanahashi (12 pts) vs. Tetusya Naito (12 pts) - There are five A block tournament matches on this card, but this is the only one that can still decide which wrestler wins A block and goes to the G1 Climax finals on 8/13. Tanahashi is not defending the current IWGP intercontinental championship here, but a loss would almost certainly set up a rematch for the title later.

The winner of the match gets 2 points, the loser gets 0. If the match goes to a 30-minute draw, both men receive 1 point apiece. (I think if it’s a double count-out or double disqualification, both men get 0 points, but that’s probably not going to happen anyway.) So whoever wins this match will end up with 14 points--more than anyone else in A block can possibly score at this stage--and win the block. If we do somehow end up with a 13-13 (or 12-12) tie, I don’t know what the hell happens, but this show gets English commentary so I suppose they’d explain it pretty thoroughly.

This match was booked as the main event of this show weeks ago, and it’s not exactly a shock that the entire block comes down to this. Naito and Tanahashi had a damn good match for the IC title back at Dominion 6.11, so this should be at least pretty good. However, it’s been tough watching Tana work with that torn biceps--particularly since every match has been about his opponent targeting it--and you have to figure everybody’s pretty wiped out this deep into the tour. I’m not counting on a repeat of Dominion, but chances are Naito and Tanahashi have been saving something up for this big stage.

Of the two, I prefer Tanahashi, but in light of the arm I would much rather see Naito be the one to win and go on to work another grueling main event and Tana take it easy in the midcard. Naito (and LIJ) have been super over throughout this tournament and he really makes the most sense to go the finals, whether or not he can actually win this year.

Kota Ibushi (10 pts) vs. Hirooki Goto (8 pts) - Another A block match. Kota was a cult favorite to win A block, mostly because it might set up an Ibushi vs. Kenny Omega dream match, but I had a feeling they’d cockblock everybody for now to tease it for later. On the bright side, Ibushi did get a win over Tanahashi, which puts him in line for an intercontinental title shot later in the year.

If Kota scores 2 points here and Naito and Tanahashi both score 0 points in their match (which I’m not even sure is possible), I guess Ibushi is in the picture for a tiebreaker? I mean, I can’t see it actually coming up, but I don’t want to act like it absolutely can’t happen. It just seems weird to me that they’d have him get so close and then make it impossible for his last match to matter. I would have at least booked him to have 12 points coming into this match and then lose to Goto.

Goto is just sort of...there. I can’t really get into the guy. I could see them giving him the win here just to maintain a nominal push, but meh. I’d put Ibushi over to see where you can go with him.

Tomohiro Ishii (8 pts) vs. Zack Sabre Jr. (8pts) - Neither of these guys can win A block, but only one of them can at least finish with a winning record. I really liked their match in Long Beach, where Sabre is being a British twink and Ishii is like “fuck this” and pounds the shit out of him. I wouldn’t expect the exact same dynamic this time, but in any case it’s a good mix of styles.

I’m guessing Ishii goes over because New Japan loves to protect its old big guys up to a certain age. But I think Sabre can build on the momentum of having an impressive G1 debut (including a big win over Tanahashi), and I’d take it as far as possible.

Togi Makabe (6 pts) vs. YOSHI-HASHI (4 pts) - Nothing against either guy, but they’re starting to feel like filler in the G1. I suspect this match is going to be very skippable. Not because they’re both so low in the scoring (if you expect every G1 match to matter, you’re gonna have a bad time), but because they both feel like they’re just...there, and it’s bad enough to have just one guy like that. I guess Makabe wins.

Yuji Nagata (2 pts) vs. Bad Luck Fale (10 pts) - This is Nagata’s final match in his final G1 tournament. (He’s not retiring but, at 49, he probably doesn’t need to be one of the top 20 heavyweights in the promotion anymore.) The booking logic seems to be that Nagata should lose almost all of his matches to justify his decision. Fans don’t like this because they’re sentimental and don’t want to see him jobbed out, but I kinda get it. I want to believe Yuji is this wise old master who can sense that he’s past his peak, so a miraculous swan song would undercut that.

At 10 points, Fale is in the same “Bernie can still win” zone that I mentioned with Ibushi. But it’d be weird for NJPW to pull a goofy stunt just for Ibushi to win the block, and it’d be absolutely insane to do it for Fale. Also I’m still pissed at Fale for tearing up Daryl.

On paper, I think Nagata should be able to take this fucker and get his badass theme music played one last time. But Fale is deceptively tough to beat in the G1, so you shouldn’t bet against him. At least that’ll keep the match exciting while we’re waiting for the main event.

Kazuchika Okada & Toru Yano vs. Kenny Omega & Yujiro Takahashi - Okada and Omega will be meeting in the B block finals on 8/12. Yano also has a B block match, but it’s against Minoru Suzuki, so I don’t blame him for getting booked as far from that guy as possible.

If you ask me Yano’s had a particularly great run of comedy bullshit this year, notably including his matches against Okada and Omega. Add to that the fact that they’ll want Okada and Omega to rest up, and I suspect this will be a fairly nothing comedy match. Oh, and Okada will have Gedo at ringside and Takahashi will have one of his bikini models with him, so I bet that’ll mean even more HIJINX~! Works for me. I’m predicting Yano pins Yujiro with a nutshot.

Cody Rhodes & Nick Jackson & Matt Jackson & Hangman Page & Chase Owens vs. Michael Elgin & Raymond Rowe & Hanson & Ricochet & Ryusuke Taguchi - All the guys who haven’t been on the tour are coming in for the finals weekend. On 8/13 Cody and Page are facing War Machine (Hanson/Rowe), and Tagushi & Ricochet are facing the Young Bucks (Nick/Matt). Elgin is the only one in this match that’s part of the G1 tournament, so I’m just saying maybe he should score the win.

Satoshi Kojima & Juice Robinson vs. EVIL & Hiromu Takahashi - Kojima will be facing Evil on 8/12. Robinson is also in B block but he’s set to face Elgin on 8/12 and Elgin isn’t on Evil’s team, so that’s how Hiromu ended up here. A quick Daryl update for those of you who don’t follow New Japan (but somehow made it this far down a New Japan post): Daryl is reportedly on the mend, but I haven’t seen him back on TV, and at this point I suspect we won’t see him until at least the 8/13 show. I’m sure the New Japan side of Tumblr will keep you posted. I don’t know who wins here, but New Japan sure likes Evil a lot so I’d bet on him.

SANADA & BUSHI vs. Tama Tonga & Tanga Loa - Sanada and Tama are booked for 8/12. Tama and Tanga are usually a tag team, but Loa’s been nowhere to be found on this tour until now. I assume this means they’ve got a tag match in the works for 8/13. Tama insisted before the tournament that he has nothing to prove, and so far he’s 3-5 so I guess he’s succeeding at proving nothing. It’s kind of a shame and I hope his team wins here to make up for it.

Minoru Suzuki & El Desperado & Taichi vs. Katusya Kitamura & Tomoyuki Oka & Hirai Kawato - Suzuki leads his thugs against the rookie jobber guys. I like the Young Lions but Suzuki is going to fuck them up pretty bad.

#njpw #g1 climax #hiroshi tanahashi #tetsuya naito

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