#which is. well i would figure expected.

[dairyfreenugget]

(Going insane boinkinh one AU in my head)

Hey hey hey

May I interest you in

(Slowly slides my FaaF AU towards you but void just Disappears without a trace one day before the accolade)

Teehee

#thylacines can talk #faaf au #i love this au very yummy. a very fun twist on how Flower's dynamic with their parents would progress afterwards #the vessels live but the void exits their bodies in quite a violent manner (extreme pain and literally throwing up an entire person worth of #void). Flower was on guard duty and theyre found barely conscious in a pool of rapidly evaporating void. passes out seconds later #PK also had the displeasure of experiencing extene pain and burning as void forced its way out through his skin <3 And his moulds all melted #and evaporated. after the initial shock wears off theyre hit with “Oh No #the vessel“ and rush to find them. Well somebody else was already looking for the royal pair about this #Flower wakes up dazed and in pain in their father's workshop. their stomach hurts their throat burns and they feel lightheaded. the entire #place is considerably brighter than they remember and in they can hear two faint voices in the background but theyre too preoccupied with #examining their now pure white hand in shock to focus on anything else. until they hear their mother say “My wyrm they're awake” and #suddenly their parents are by their side. Now the two have no idea what void leaving their body might have done to them. Are they still #hollow? are they still dead? do they understand anything are they sentient? or was what was done pernament even without the void? do they #have the mind of a child if their sentience was restored? or do they remember anything? So WL stays by their side and helps them sit up #while their father goes to grab his tools. She's trying to keep them calm and comfort them but theyre still too disoriented to pay her much #attention. Until their father checks their breathing and they yelp audibly from the cool metal contacting their skin and suddenly they seem #much more alert. theyve never experienced true coldness before. PK quickly apologises and tries to be gentler with them. Theyre breathing #properly and they have a heartbeat. And he just pauses for a long while just. listening to their heart beating. Many emotions to be had #after the exam's over he asks them point blank how theyre feeling. And Flower looks up at him still seeming a little disoriented. and then #they lower their hand to their stomach and mutter 'My tummy hurts...a-and my throat burns'. It's to be expected after the way the void #left their body. so he goes to grab them some water and meds and they also ask for food and a mirror. And after he returns they just stare #at themself in the mirror and pull on their bangs for a while then blurt out 'I have your eyes' when PK asks if everything's okay. And he #and he almost chokes up as he replies 'Yeah...Yeah you do'. Flower eventually spins a lie that they remember everything but its all distant #and blurry. Like they were not aware until now. They figured it'd be better to not break their hearts #And now the three have to figure out how to be a family while PK is also scrambling to find a new solution to the infection #oops i meant to only give a brief rundown in the tags which is why it was in the tags. but i got too invested KDHDKFB

[docresa]

Today I had the best time volunteering for a teaching project (which is led by our chief vascular surgeon).

That is, apart from the fact that we ran into some of our abdominal surgery attendings, who gave me a massive (verbal) side-eye for technically hanging out with the vascular surgeons in my free time. (Some of them don’t really see eye to eye, both medically and personally).

And I’m soooo sick of it, can’t I just try to figure out what I eventually want to do with my career without having to navigate a social and political minefield?

#yes I am technically an abdominal surgery resident #but since we are a general surgery department we do both thoracics and vascular as well #and both have been pursuing me to switch to their respective subspecialties #it’s putting a lot of stress on me tbh #because there are a lot of expectations #and I’m a stupid little people pleaser and I don’t want to disappoint anyone #and also I get excited by so many things #I get excited by pancreatic surgery as much as aortic surgery #though I’m at a point in my training where I do neither #which is ok btw #but how am I going to figure this out? #especially if everything I dip a toe in one department the other two get offended #and also there are some co-residents who would be very happy to have less competition in their respective fields #so there‘ll always be comments there as well #if anyone has any advice #please let me know #this is stressing me out #(and yes I do realize that this a very first world problem) #it’s still stressing me out though #and there is sooo much to finding a good mentor #I probably overthink this wayyyy to much #but yeah #After two weeks of actual vacation #(like actually being on another continent doing something completely unrelated) #my brain took the first best thing to cling to #sigh #resa rambles #residency #medblr #surgery

[aroaceleovaldez]

I really dislike the inherent main plots of TSATS and Chalice of the Gods as they’re being explained to us currently, mostly just cause I feel like they take away from already established lore of the series and other plot points.

There is no way TSATS can go that doesn’t make either Tartarus feel cheap and/or the entire book just feel like Percabeth In Mark Of Athena: 2 Electric Boogaloo. Unless the twist is that they don’t go to Tartarus it is physically impossible. Because either they go to Tartarus and breeze through it, which makes Tartarus as a setting feel cheap and ruins all prior instances of it being used as a landscape of suffering, or they suffer Lots and Lots and it just feels like we’re rehashing the same exact plot over again purely for the sake of treating solangelo the same as percabeth, which doesn’t work because they’re vastly different character dynamics and putting them in the same situation has nowhere near the same emotional weights. Also it makes Nico’s original foray into Tartarus feel null because it makes it feel like his trauma doesn’t have any actual meaning, because why would he jump right back into it? Even with Nico’s character being extremely self-sacrificial, we’re at a point where we’re being told he’s improving on that and this is possibly the one circumstance he would think twice about. AND it makes Tartarus feel overused - Nico surviving Tartarus once? Okay, makes sense, he’s the son of Hades, and it’s cool that he’s the first mortal to ever survive it. Percabeth too? Getting iffy (especially since we see their trip in detail and that inherently means it’s lost a lot of potential oomph, because when you’re going for horrifying a lot of the time less is more) but okay, sure, Nico probably gave Percy some Tartarus Tips after being rescued and they had a literal dues ex machina or two helping them out, and they fell in accidentally so it’s not like how Nico waltzed in there. Third time? And it being Nico AGAIN and Will Solace (who as far as we know has little to no quest experience and most of his experience is being a battlefield medic) and then purposefully going there? Nope. It’s just a poor set-up. Plus “the major gay couple goes on vacation to superhell” is a... questionable plot set-up to begin with, especially when it’s been heavily implied it will be traumatizing for them, and we have already been told explicitly that references are being made to things like Call Me By Your Name so there is a self-awareness about the themes there (also that alone raises questions about how we’re going to be taking the tone of things - again, there’s two ways it can go and both would be extremely difficult to get right). If Mark Oshiro were not co-authoring this I’d be a little horrified. I’m very glad Mark Oshiro is co-authoring this. I don’t believe it can’t be done tastefully, and yeah it’s a situation ripe for symbolism, but it is definitely the kind of subject that would be difficult for a non-queer author to handle appropriately.

As for Chalice of the Gods, we know two things: A.) It takes place prior to TOA, and B.) The chalice Percy has to retrieve has the power to make anyone who drinks from it immortal. ..... so basically, without the book even being out, we are told “If Percy had waited like 20 minutes, all of TOA would be null.” Admittedly, this does give justification for Percy specifically to be doing this quest outside of “college” reasons, and in my opinion, “The gods asked Percy specifically because they have verified he adamantly does NOT want to be immortal” is hilarious. However, adding yet another universe mechanic to the repertoire that nullifies death is annoying as hell, because death as a consequence in the series has been completely ruined since HoO. The more avoiding death options there are, the more every death scene feels completely pointless and avoidable.

#pjo #riordanverse #tsats #the sun and the star #chalice of the gods #forgive me for complaining this was in my drafts and i figured since i was talking about plot changes i'd make yesterday #might as well post this then yknow #while we're on the topic #i'll find something lighter/sillier in my drafts to post later #also my hesitancy about the overarching plot does not say anything regarding my expectations for the actual quality of the book(s) #just putting that as a footnote #could the plots be total shit but the books themselves end up lovely? sure. totally. #i am just personally grumbly about Tartarus' use as a narrative device and how it keeps getting overused #and also the growing lack of consequence in the riordanverse which tends to make any stakes feel automatically low and cheap #mind you i would LOVE if the twist in TSATS is that they end up not going to Tartarus at all #im currently 50/50 on reading it but if it turns out they dont go to Tartarus at all i'd be sold immediately #and i do think Percy being saddled with a quest because he's the only one who wouldn't be tempted with immortality is hilarious #tbh if we had a third plot concept rolling here and we condensed all three ideas down we could just do another 3-short-story book #like Demigod Files and Demigod Diaries #we have options #heck. yknow. if we're talking particularly long short-stories here we could probably roll with two #if demigod files is for the first series and demigod diaries is for HoO we need a TOA one anyways #cause CHB:C and CJ:C and those ones are their own category they're different

[s0fter-sin]

so lately i’ve been obsessed with a 141 dancer au

gaz runs classes, has a youtube channel and quickly becomes one of the most sought after choreographers in the music video scene. soap is his dance partner for his classes, he helps run them and does demonstrations with him

ghost is also a choreographer and he’s gaz’s Arch Nemesis

he's famous for never performing his routines, never doing public appearances without his skull mask and being highly exclusive with who he allows to perform his choreo which earns him his name (since he’s a ghost creator). gaz however is a social media darling, his classes and videos regularly doing huge numbers

they both popped up around the same time and are neck and neck in terms of popularity and skill and they immediately rub each other the wrong way

gaz accuses ghost of not actually choreographing his routines himself bc no one has ever seen him dance and ghost thinks gaz is a clout chaser who's just in it for the fame instead of passion

he became a dancer as a way to channel his rage after years of being an underground fighter, the discipline and physicality helping him more than fights ever did. he hates the thought of someone just using it just to get famous when it literally saved his life

deep down they know their accusations are wrong and they have a grudging appreciation for the other's talent but they'd both rather die than admit it

price is a famous dancer turned director they both work with frequently and they always fight over him; trying to get their routines picked for his music videos. he's also the only one in the industry who's ever seen the ghost perform (before he got famous and before the Incident™)

he finally gets fed up with them constantly being at each other's throats and hires them both to work together and choreograph a joint routine. they're both famous in their own right but this video is for a huge artist so neither of them can refuse no matter how much they hate the other

gaz has a gymnastics background but also a ballet background which lends him to a more fluid style whereas ghost’s style is stronger, more masculine with sharper movements so they naturally end up butting heads

then there's soap who has a completely different style altogether, focusing on a more modern, breakdancer style which makes him see everything completely differently

but it also adds to his self-doubt bc he didn't have a formal dance education, he built his entire repertoire by himself. people see him as inferior to gaz who has that very formal, highly disciplined style. his insecurities about only ever being seen as gaz's demonstration partner and that he can only do gaz’s routines so all his skill is just an extension of him instead of being seen as a dancer in his own right forces him to adopt a rigid - destructive - perfectionism in himself and his body

soap meets ghost before the first rehearsal. he gets to the studio early to practice when sees this beautiful man dancing

he has no idea who he is but he moves so seamlessly, almost better than gaz, and he immediately falls a little in love. the man catches him watching in the mirror and he flusters, getting worse as the man just smirks at him and flawlessly completes the routine

soap tries to save face and asks him to teach him the routine he's doing

the man agrees, introducing himself as simon. the style of the routine is familiar to soap but he can't focus on it when simon's hands are on his waist, guiding him through the steps; his chest pressed up against his back. they work together beautifully, picking up each other's body language and dancing together easier and better than they've ever danced with anyone

then gaz arrives and the vibe in the studio immediately changes

simon's easy confidence becomes hostility, pulling up the skull gaiter he'd let hang around his neck as he practically pushes soap behind him to square up to gaz

soap’s shocked when gaz hits back with the same energy until he realises it's the same way he acts whenever he talks about ghost and his stomach drops

he steps out from behind ghost to side with gaz and the betrayal in simon's eyes hurts more than anything he's ever felt

from there it's romeo and juliet; camp gaz versus camp ghost as they fight over every step of the choreo and soap is the poor bastard stuck in the middle

soap tries to channel that “you’re my best friend’s rival, i have to hate you,” mindset but he can’t forget the way it felt to dance with simon

and how much he wants to do it again

#my friend mimi introduced me to gymnast gaz which made me think he grew up in competitive gymnastics and left it to be a dancer #whether his family was disappointed in that decision i havent figured out yet #the Incident™️ was roba getting simon directly from the underground and manipulating him into working at his strip club where price finds h #and pulls him out when roba tries to force him into sex work too #soap earned his name for being such a clean dancer and never making mistakes during performances #which just make his insecurities worse bc now he has to live up to his new reputation as well as fight of the gazs partner image hes gotten #farah and alex are definitely team gaz and i think nikolai would be his manager #then im thinking alejandro and rudy are team ghost with laswell as his manager #then bc soap is the odd man out hes used as tie breaks when they get into arguments about what move should go next in the routine #the pressure of picking correctly and the routine being essentially on his shoulders freaking him out just as much as having to choose #between his best friend who expects him to always side with him and ghost who always has good ideas #this isnt a negative haz au btw i think it would be a good way to explore his arrogance and stubborness #hes decided ghost is his enemy and nothing can pull him away from that #(except for what eventually does but im not sure what that is yet lmao) #i want soap at some point to completely overwork himself and his bad knee swells and gets irritated and finally gives out #and its ghost who forces him to take a break and convinces him that working his body to death wont help him be a better dancer #cue tender wound care and ghost backstory as he reassures soap that he is an amazing dancer #he offers soap a no stress space at his studio if he ever wants it & gaz overhears and thinks soap is betraying him and leaving so cue angs #we’re a team. ghost team #coming out of my cage and i’ve been doing just fine.txt #soapghost #ghostsoap #ghoap #john soap mactavish #kyle gaz garrick #simon ghost riley #save post #john price #cod 141 #soapghost au

[seariii]

I was stressed but now i'm more chill and really sleepy...

#overall my mood has been better but i am so incredibly terrified of the future... its like.... #like i feel as if someone has holding me at gun point and got told thst if i did any mistakes they would shoot #but then im not given clear instructions on what i need to do and i have to figure it out myself #i am really scared... even tho all of this gave me a new objective... i dont wanna be obsolete... #... so... that what we will work on... also... i wanna work towards my dreams... #I've been putting it off for so long i want to do it #people support me and actually enjoy my voice... i want to... #the things on my plate right now are things i can achieve... but i want more... i want things i actually want... #i want... #my house has a constant buzzing sound. i believe its because of the small power plant behind the lot. which makes it difficult for recording #since i have to get rid of that and that messes with the rest of the audio #its comforting to know it wasnt the mic tho... heh... #tomorrow lets try to take the first few steps... well more like lets try to continue with the set up #we have already a couple stuff but we still have a lot missing... #... today the girls said some stuff that impressed me... thats how im perceived?... is that what people think of me? #i kinda want to... fulfill those 'expectations'... they dont expect anything but its more of a me thing... ive been dreaming and hoping for #so long but i dont take the next step. i never do... and its because of the executive dysfunction... but... once i get the hang of it... #once i do... everything will be excellent... and we will take it easy #i am so tired already... i feel im gonan falla sleep #seari talks

[dying-suffering-french-stalkers]

god help me i'm going insane about dickson xenoblade again

#this is what i get for thinking about lord of the rings too hard this week (specifically denethor / gríma / saruman and the like) #thinking about the way anthony may delivered “when will you learn you HAVE no future?” #he thinks shulk is fully DEAD at that point. he thinks HE killed him. which he very much meant to. but now that the kid is no longer there #now that the terrible future he's been preparing for and actively working to bring about has in fact come about #i don't know that dickson really cared anymore. he played his part he did the deed expected and he did it unquestioningly. So What Now? #well. now nothing. now the world that he spent so long biding his time in; so long getting enmeshed in (even for nefarious purposes) #is about to end; is about to be gone forever. #sure zanza will probably just create another world and maybe he (dickson) will have Even More Power in the new one #(though that's not a given! he doesn't know for SURE his lord and god will keep his promise!) #but like. what the hell does he care at this point #dickson SAYS he wants power but i suspect that long long ago what the giant dickson really wanted was SURVIVAL. #we never get to know just how he became a disciple or what the giant civilization looked like in its heyday or how it ended #but in MY headcanon dickson saw that some kind of destruction coming and he wanted Out #and maybe he hated his peers and figured any power and prestige that came from this bargain was just a bonus #i think he thought of himself as a saruman type: powerful; remote; far above the petty troubles of mortals (even the long-lived high entia) #but i have always headcanoned that by his later days (i.e. when he started engaging w/colony 9; machina village; etc. in earnest) #he committed too hard to the bit and started “going native” as it were; started to give a shit in ways that he would never dare admit #maybe not as much of a shit as; you know; a regular guy would. but more than an immortal disciple and horseman of the apocalypse should. #and all the time knowing that all the world he'd seen would soon be gone #maybe everyone else can get fucked. but shulk had to die too. and that's what their god MADE them to do. #he can't allow himself to care or to hope for another option bc in his mind it's already over; decided; that's it #what else can you do in the face of ultimate power but bow to it and take whatever scraps may fall to an obedient servant? #“you have no future” nor does he except that shulk came back. except that the peoples of bionis/mechonis just wouldn't accept Fate. #and in some final rebellious corner of his mind he starts putting eggs in shulk's basket. “if they can't even defeat telethia they won't #stand a chance against me (or zanza)” so let's see if they CAN. oh they did? how about a dragon? oh fuck they defeated the dragon too? #well fuck. maybe there WAS another option all along. but will/can they stand against me; the final disciple? oh they can?? #guess i'll die then bc i'm not looking THAT in the face. i am NOT unpacking my cowardice/failure/lack of vision after all these years. #good luck with that tho <3 you're welcome for the training btw. where i'm going i don't have to see your trauma assuming you live that long. #dickson #xenoblade

[bumblingbabooshka]

Learning Curve Hall-of-Famer right here. Tuvok making Chell clean the transporter room with the equivalent of a toothbrush as, I assume, a punishment of some sort & Harry coming out of left field with a 'You missed a spot <3' just to kick him while he's down. Harry, the man's gonna be there LITERALLY all day. Absolute bastards these Starfleet types <- said with love

#learning curve #Tuvok confiscating the Bajoran earring is obviously bad but his entire method of training is also just so ... it's a Lot #He's such a drill sargent v_v It's moments like these that make me think he and Harry would well together in the mirrorverse #B'Elanna: ?? But he'll be at it for hours! / Kim: (knowing that's the point) : ) ..... #B'Elanna: Well good luck! / Harry: You missed a spot : ) #Tuvok: Ten laps around the ship in increased gravity. Ten more laps if you talk back to me. Twenty. Thirty. Forty. #Twenty six hours scrubbing the floor as punishment. No stopping for water. I expect you to improve daily or I will consider this a failure. #Also Tuvok: I just don't understand why they aren't responding well to my training....hmm.... / Neelix: ................ : ) Um. #People like to focus on Tuvok as a good mentor or father figure but I really think that's only to very select and specific people about #select & specific things - this rigidity and lack of compassion and inability to understand others and general #vibe of being uncaring is also part of his personality #Like what Neelix said: 'That's the problem - you have no feeling for me but you have feelings against me' <- That sort of vibe #<- And also the fact that he's very close with Janeway despite (or perhaps because of) this is another interest component of them #Janeway who at the start of the show stated explictly that she was comfortable with her distance as Captain (which hints that she's not #like say - Pike. Who wants to get to know his crew intimately) #Idk I just think it's interesting! #Janeway & Tuvok as colder than other Human/Vulcan pairs is something that intrigues me. Janeway being comfortable with distance from others #and heavily segmenting her personal vs private lives and Tuvok who is the most quintessential Vulcan also being the closest to her for the #longest time (They've been friends 20 years prior to the show's opening) #There's no component of their relationship which demands Tuvok be more Human which is something I /WISH/....we EXPLORED more....the #Janeway-Tuvok friendship....it's SO telling that other Main Vulcan-Human pairs are like the most delved into relationships on screen but #Tuvok & Janeway's relationship is paid lip service but never REALLY is any time devoted to it explicitly. I wonder why that IS.

[aro-culture-is]

Aro culture is not understanding many parts of romantic relationships, like why people hate cheating so much, why people consider different things cheating, or why people so often seem to hate the exes.

.

#Anonymous #aro culture is #aro #aromantic #actually aro #actually aromantic #ask #mod axel #did a full explanation a while back after i figured it out but basically: #relationships tend to have unspoken rules to them #for the majority of individuals one of these rules is exclusivity of relationships #and this doesn't really map well onto other relationships since that's not usually a rule in other types of relationships #but one way i think of it is like... if you expected that this rule was mutual #it feels like a betrayal of trust when an individual breaks that rule #which is usually defined by a combo of cultural understanding and personal values around relationships #i specifically liken it to someone ignoring/actively disrespecting my boundaries #because that's uhhh basically what it is #i'd be upset if a total stranger walked up to me and started touching my hair #that isn't a spoken rule but culturally it's generally understood to be a rule (except for with white ppl and afro hair :/ ) #and i also have a personal expectation that i would like to not be touched by strangers #if someone breaks that unspoken rule and expectation i will likely feel shocked / repulsed / defensive #except that's for a stranger and the concept of cheating is someone you know and presumably trust a LOT doing an equivalent move #so it's a big deal #wrt what counts: typically things that are seen as exclusively romantic/sexual by the cultures of the people involved #wrt the exes thing. i think. as best as i can tell: #ppl are terrified to break up and frequently draw out bad relationships to such a point that by the time they end it #it has been going downhill for so long that you can't take the bad anymore #and it becomes your primary association with said ex #(this is all just my thoughts though - there's probably other views!)

[realasslesbian]

So subsequent to being a robodebt victim I sort of fell into this funk of ‘not only is there no point in trying, but in fact it’s better if I don’t, bc every time I have ever tried to do something good it’s backfired horrifically, so I’m just going to make like a tree and exist, no trying to do anything for myself, just drink some water, get some sunlight, and that is all’. And recently, after a few years of living a tree-like existence, I thought ‘you know, this is illogical, like there is no rational correlation between ‘trying’ and the universe taking a big shit on you, let’s just try again, yeah?’ So I signed up for a one hour a week job and the Australian government took that as an excuse to call up all of my previous employers of the last decade to ask for payslips and as an aside tell them all I’m homeless. Additionally all my online government accounts are being overrun with entirely fake income data from a century ago, not to mention apparently thousands of dollars in superannuation I have never had. And the logical part of me is just like ‘ok cool yeah, obviously they’re mistaken, someone just got their wires crossed, it’ll work out’, but that’s exactly what I told myself the last time a whole bunch of fabricated data was flying around my government accounts bc of robodebt, so I already know what’s coming. In conclusion: irrational belief system confirmed✅

#I guess the Australian government figures they swept the robodebt scandal far enough under the rug by now they can resume their bullshit #especially irt the robodebt victims who caused all this hassle for them in the first place #ngl I was expecting this since the class action kicked off #bc the Australian government does not just graciously accept defeat in anything #it doesn't matter if it's coalition or labor #they're literally just two sides of the same coin #they both protecting the same interests #which is the well-being of their own tax-payer funded bank accounts #like hell would they just close the book on a bunch of people who had them cough up $1.9 billion #out of what would have otherwise been their annual bonus fund #robodebt victims been marked since day one of this scandal #that's why it ain't been in the media #why the biggest class action in Australian history is so widely unknown about #even to this day #they been preparing for revenge #that's literally it #auspol #australia #corruption #authoritarianism

[lighthouseborn]

this is kind of me still marveling at that i can make gifs that look like this now but also i am just. thinking thinking thinking about how Afraid of salazar henry is, is all. what a flinch. he didn't even see salazar kill anyone he just Knows that he did and the rest is the immense vibes of Bad coming off this thing that is entirely too far into his personal space at all times

#many things this movie does w/ salazar that i don't enjoy. #i DO think it's really interesting that there are exactly zero junctures at which henry isn't petrified of him #a lot of like modern (late 2010s-forward) blockbusters tend to have this aura of quippy one-liners right #which dmtnt absolutely falls prey to i'm not saying it doesn't #but one key difference (to me) is how many of those other movies will have their plucky action guys like #attempt banter or undercut the villain by just. being immune to their presence? #which works in some movies!/with some protags! absolutely some movies do perfectly well with heroes who just #spoil the Drama of it all you know? it's definitely a potentially functional trope #but it's became so common it was like. it's expected now almost? and so many action heroes just #do not give their villains due credit for being like. serial murderers or genocidal war criminals or figures of mass destruction you know? #like *we* know they're the main character and probably aren't going to die in the first (checks notes) fifteen minutes of the movie #but *they* shouldn't (always) be cognizant of their plot armor #so i just. really think its neat that at every turn any time salazar is on screen or someone mentions him henry goes a little pale and look #like he would rather be talking about something else #that's all #dreaming up things to say & never quite saying them ( my edit. ) #oh maybe #blood tw #i'm sorry i forgot to tag first go

[heartyearning]

picking up a weekend at the bar of the theatre in my street for someone who cant be there then & i agreed without knowing the pay bc its one weekend + i have reason to want money to spend that very next week + idk the min wage is fine enough for me not to care too much abt 2 days and its lit in my street, so, but !!!! i just got the document and uhmmm student pay is 15.60/hr hello feeling rich hashtag blessed hashtag money hashtag millionaire

#plus she scheduled me in for the thursday as well which i thought was just gonna be sorta unpaid since its just like #the person im picking up the shift for showing me what to do & i get to see the piece theyre showing for free #but on the contract she actually scheduled me for 'work' from 19-23 which. like ok tbh #i dont expect to get paid those hours at all bc also the play is apparently some 2 hrs and starts at 8 so itd be 2 hrs of work?? #I MEAN WOULD BE NICE THO #nah but it is nice the shifts are from 630 till 1am and since i live on the corner i'm not gonna lose any real sleep #and idk its nice to be handed things. im ngl i feel like i live a lot of my life being handed things #my internship too like i still dont know why my teacher specifically was happy that i responded and hoped that i would #bc like. she'd seen me like 3 times and most of that was either spent on the knitting machine or being bad at patterning #so i still cant figure it out like she said she liked my way of working but like how would she even know that #WHATEVER this is getting into silly territory and not the point anyway the universe smiles down on me perhaps unfairly

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#hmmm. was just looking at the results of my bloodtest from earlier this week and im all normal apparently #so my thyroid isnt fucked and the hypomanic episodes r in fact just coming from my brain as expected #and the doctor did slap me with a bipolar II diagnosis. which is still find dubious. but also he would have to i guess in order to #prescribe me an antipsychotic but like. sounds like a thing that would increase my insurance rates lol #whatever. i just find the idea of me being bipolar to be so wild. i mean like yes. i guess technically if u look at the word bipolar #unipolar would b a depressed and normal mood range. and bipolar would b depressed and elevated mood #and yes ive spent a lot of my life being rather depressed. sometimes treding near the point of not being able to function #but like usually its not that bad and im so anxious i cant just not function. the ocd keeps me afloat lmao #and yes i have these infrequent little peaks of high energy and even more infrequent instances of elevated mood #so i guess yes that does count as a bipolar mood profile. but is the underlying cause bipolar disorder or is it that i make myself so #miserable with my compulsive behavior that it sends me into spirals of depression or overheats my brain into fits of hypomania #i suppose it doesnt really matter if the presentation is still on thr spectrum #idk i guess i just find it annoying not to fit cleanly into a box. im more a: the spectrum of human experience type person #i guess its better to struggle a lil bit with a number of things than b all consumed by one single thing #i mean. im a lil all consumed by the compulsive behavior. but again its not exactly thr classic presentation of ocd. which i find #frustrating bc i like to characterize and understand things. ugh #well see what the psychologist has to say when i show her my insane mood tracking figures #lol last time she told me to track my anxiety but not make a chart abt it. and i was like god dammit shes onto me #listen. i do research. i like data 🙄 #unrelated #also the docor i saw was like yea its joy normal to get 3hrs of sleep and not b tired #how abt a week of 5-6hrs of sleep and not being tired??? how bout that? #also not good fyi. i csn feel my brain fraying #me: shut up im normal. also me not sleeping and getting increasingly unhinged #ive got 1tachi levek eye bags 😭 #also i kno its a thing they have to ask but everytime i start describing how i would charactize my intrusive thoughts doctors go: #hm. do u even hear voices telling u do do these thing? and its like no theyre my thoughts but also they feel like they come from outside #of my body. which when i say it sounds crazy but like idk how else to say it. its like theyre projected into my head but i kno it comes #from me. ya kno?

[elytrafemme]

posting actively anti KOSA stuff on my instagram account which i know is followed by at least one person who is explicitly pro KOSA... who i also work with...

#nightmare.personal #his post regarding it is deleted so i hope he has changed his mind but #man. you have GOT to understand the harm KOSA is going to do #when will people stop looking at censorship as something where you can throw exceptions at it #and expect it to work #if you give them the power to make the internet safer then you give them to power to make the internet more unsafe #& if you look at our cultural context... well. you have three guesses to figure out which it's going to fucking be #it's ALWAYS 'oh we shouldn't censor... EXCEPT' and 'oh this is illegal... EXCEPT' #how are the people going to find out they're exceptions? how broad are these exceptions going to go? #i know playing with absolutes is a dangerous game and censorship is CONTENTIOUS on this site #but holy shit i am begging these people-- begging this man really-- to realize what we're working with here #i have been irreparably scarred by the internet but the terrifying thing about it is #the places that scarred me looked alike to the places that healed me #overwhelmingly queer spaces in both conditions #and so i can sympathize with the terror but also you cannot strike out what hurt me without effectively taking out #what has gotten me this far. that's not something we can do as people. #i wouldn't trust myself with that #and i most certainly would not trust the government.

[daydreamerdrew]

Iron Man (1968) #51

#super interesting to see how Tony’s employees interpret the overlap between Tony Stark and Iron Man #because obviously they’re the same person #but Tony as Iron Man strangely inhabits a different standing as purportedly his own employee #albeit an employee that has a lot more physical power than all of the other employees because of the Iron Man suit #and a much more famous and well-regarded figure than all of the other employees because Iron Man is a famous superhero #and an employee that is able to call on the power of the man running the company by claiming his authority whenever Tony isn’t there #which is inherently whenever Iron Man is there #because even though Iron Man is able to call upon that authority he doesn’t in the eyes of all of other employees inhabit that same space #here they balk at following Iron Man’s orders because in their mind they don’t work for him #and they interpret Iron Man’s feelings as so much like Tony Stark’s expected ones #because they think Iron Man is just that invested in the company #and their takeaway from that is that they should all be as invested #following what they believe is another employee’s example #I’m curious about what people assume Iron Man’s background to be #obviously Tony is wealthy and was raised wealthy #and Jarvis was shocked a few issues ago when he saw what he thought was Tony picking up after Iron Man #because it was so unexpected for someone who has so many people working under him doing things for him #that Tony would ever do something like that himself #and obviously Tony is really well-respected by his employees as a businessman and as an inventor #but I wonder if because Iron Man’s job is so physical that that helps people not believe that he could be Tony Stark #like right before this Iron Man was overseeing a Stark Industries rocket launch and got hit hard by the shockwave and almost crashed #maybe not something people would expect Tony Stark to subject himself to #marvel #tony stark #my posts #comic panels

[starrytalking]

I don’t know who needs to hear this right now but it’s okay to struggle. You don’t have to have your “life under control” right now. No matter your age and if it seems like everyone else is doing oh so well (believe me, there’s others who struggle as well!), it’s okay to still figure things out and feel like a complete mess. You still have time to grow as a person and find out what works for you and how you want to live your life. Be forgiving with yourself, I know it’s hard but you deserve rest and compassion from yourself!

#starrytalking #yes this is totally about how I feel like I didn’t do enough (aka barely anything) for uni and now have to do everything (which is a lot) #at the same time while I don’t know how I’m suppose to get everything done on time #because it’s so much; so I procrastinate all day and get even less done #but yesterday in the evening I remembered that while I feel like I should be organised and grown up enough to have done better beforehand #so that I wouldn’t feel like this right now #this isn’t actually true. like it feels like this rn but actually‚ I’m in my first year of uni technically no one expects me to have it #all figured out. like sure it would be great but I can still learn how to deal with the different work load and way things work at uni #and it’s okay to fail at times (although I still need to work on accepting that) bug that doesn’t automatically make myself a failure #and it doesn’t erase what I accomplished so far to get where I am right now and it doesn’t erase that I still have plenty of time to grow #so I’ll try to tell myself that more often and just give my best #and yes it feels like my best could be so much better if I had just done things differently a bit ago but NO I can’t change that anymore and #my best right now is still my best right now no matter what I did or didn’t do in the past #but even if you’re older by however many years and you’re reading this: you’re never too old to grow as a person and to figure things out #so if you also feel like a mess right now that’s super valid as well and you don’t need to have figured it all out yet #you can take time as well‚ I hope you’re okay and if you’re not: you can be okay again I think <3 #lol when I’m not ranting to my best friend than on here it’s like a diary xD #uni #college #student #stress #forgiveness #struggle #it’s okay #it’s okay to struggle #compassion #take time

[arthur-r]

i went to sleep an hour ago but i can’t actually fall asleep for some terrible mixture of anxiety and caffeine and being scheduled wrong from all of the winter break sleeping incorrectly compared to school. anyway i have a stomachache (anxiety variety) scary high heart rate (anxiety variety? caffeine variety? just my heart being stupid as usual? probably all of the above) and also terrified of living with my dad for the next week. and i was drinking a caffeinated beverage past 5 pm today because. i was really stupid and let that happen without thinking about it. so there are so many things getting in between me and a good nights sleep to get to school in the morning. doesn’t help that i’m stressed about school itself too or that my irl friends are constantly hanging out like literally all of them i try not to be offended if like tara and elanor hang out together without me cause everybody is allowed to have smaller on their own engagements but it’s like literally every friend i have!! like i have maybe fifteen friends total in my school and there was like ten of them were all ice skating together on new years and went to a play together and did all of these things that i wish i were invited for. and so i’m stressed about a lot of things at once and it’s no good

#anyway in other news i’m making a bigger endeavor drawing than i’ve done in a long time and it’s not very well shaped but im really proud of #the details and like the way that im doing it even if it doesn’t look good altogether im proud of the textures and everything #i haven’t done anything that wasn’t just a sketch in a long time so i never just work on textures and im proud of myself so far #however it was supposed to be a four part thing that im supposed to finish in four days. while also doing homework. so #i don’t think it’s going to be possible to do all that with such a detail oriented approach shdhdf #i’ll try my best though!! and if i’m late i’m late. nobody really expects anything out of me in an art front which is pretty nice i guess #but it’s mostly because i’m not very good and don’t practice enough. shdhdhdf #but like i said i am actually proud of this picture!! i’m just scared that it’s secretly terrible. classic way to feel really #but anyway i hyperfocused on that for two hours which is like. haven’t done that since like before school started #and so now i’m in a really weird headspace. and yeah. waking up in seven hours #this is so stupid i really wish i could just be asleep right now regular but it’s not happening #and i have a terrible stomachache that i don’t think is going to go away until it’s my mom’s turn to raise us again #and like. i don’t even like getting parented by my mom!! she’s made me cry multiple times per day all week actually!! #but at least i don’t think she’s going to get drunk and throw things or hurt my little sister or break something important to me #and that’s kind of what i’m constantly living in fear of currently. my dad is physically scarier and more dangerous. so i’m anxious. a lot #anyway i keep having nightmares and i hate it i wish anything would just go right for once. i should probably try to sleep again it’s just #it’s not working and i just wish i could fix it but i can’t. i really would like a hug and to be somewhere else #anyway i’m going to try again i guess probably. but i’m just so frustrated and i wish anything could be different offline #like i’m so lucky to have the friends i do in wext and my mutuals here but. if i can’t see you in real life my life is still kind of #objectively bad. like i cant really figure anything out that i have going for me irl. band?? i don’t even know. so yeah. it’s just not great #and i would like to feel better but i don’t. sorry for venting. goodnight!! #me. my post. mine. #vent cw #abuse cw #alcohol cw #ask to tag!! #delete later