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#but like i said i am actually proud of this picture!! i’m just scared that it’s secretly terrible. classic way to feel really
arthur-r · 1 year
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i went to sleep an hour ago but i can’t actually fall asleep for some terrible mixture of anxiety and caffeine and being scheduled wrong from all of the winter break sleeping incorrectly compared to school. anyway i have a stomachache (anxiety variety) scary high heart rate (anxiety variety? caffeine variety? just my heart being stupid as usual? probably all of the above) and also terrified of living with my dad for the next week. and i was drinking a caffeinated beverage past 5 pm today because. i was really stupid and let that happen without thinking about it. so there are so many things getting in between me and a good nights sleep to get to school in the morning. doesn’t help that i’m stressed about school itself too or that my irl friends are constantly hanging out like literally all of them i try not to be offended if like tara and elanor hang out together without me cause everybody is allowed to have smaller on their own engagements but it’s like literally every friend i have!! like i have maybe fifteen friends total in my school and there was like ten of them were all ice skating together on new years and went to a play together and did all of these things that i wish i were invited for. and so i’m stressed about a lot of things at once and it’s no good
#anyway in other news i’m making a bigger endeavor drawing than i’ve done in a long time and it’s not very well shaped but im really proud of#the details and like the way that im doing it even if it doesn’t look good altogether im proud of the textures and everything#i haven’t done anything that wasn’t just a sketch in a long time so i never just work on textures and im proud of myself so far#however it was supposed to be a four part thing that im supposed to finish in four days. while also doing homework. so#i don’t think it’s going to be possible to do all that with such a detail oriented approach shdhdf#i’ll try my best though!! and if i’m late i’m late. nobody really expects anything out of me in an art front which is pretty nice i guess#but it’s mostly because i’m not very good and don’t practice enough. shdhdhdf#but like i said i am actually proud of this picture!! i’m just scared that it’s secretly terrible. classic way to feel really#but anyway i hyperfocused on that for two hours which is like. haven’t done that since like before school started#and so now i’m in a really weird headspace. and yeah. waking up in seven hours#this is so stupid i really wish i could just be asleep right now regular but it’s not happening#and i have a terrible stomachache that i don’t think is going to go away until it’s my mom’s turn to raise us again#and like. i don’t even like getting parented by my mom!! she’s made me cry multiple times per day all week actually!!#but at least i don’t think she’s going to get drunk and throw things or hurt my little sister or break something important to me#and that’s kind of what i’m constantly living in fear of currently. my dad is physically scarier and more dangerous. so i’m anxious. a lot#anyway i keep having nightmares and i hate it i wish anything would just go right for once. i should probably try to sleep again it’s just#it’s not working and i just wish i could fix it but i can’t. i really would like a hug and to be somewhere else#anyway i’m going to try again i guess probably. but i’m just so frustrated and i wish anything could be different offline#like i’m so lucky to have the friends i do in wext and my mutuals here but. if i can’t see you in real life my life is still kind of#objectively bad. like i cant really figure anything out that i have going for me irl. band?? i don’t even know. so yeah. it’s just not great#and i would like to feel better but i don’t. sorry for venting. goodnight!!#me. my post. mine.#vent cw#abuse cw#alcohol cw#ask to tag!!#delete later
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wifey-badalee · 2 months
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Clearly you’d rather be with her part 2
This picture inspired the angst for this fic.
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UGHHH ALEXIA😒🙄
When you had told alexia you needed a break and space she had thought you meant just for that time, but you had gone all week and ignored her and she didn’t know where you were. She called all her friends and your friends to ask about you including Olga, which was not a good idea. Olga went on an hour rant about how Alexia deserved better than you even using herself as an example, alexia didn’t pay attention to that but she did think Olga was right.
The word cup final match had come around and it was strange for alexia, she was always used to you messaging her Good luck and ow much you love her ,and you would see her again the game, but this morning she didn’t receive anything.
She was actually missing you a lot and reflecting on what you said but Olga’s words got to her and she was back to being mad at you, she actually started to feel a certain way towards Olga which she had never felt. She was scared about this feeling.
When alexia had gotten to the game she had seen her family and friends which included Olga obviously, but a little higher on the stands she had noticed a familiar figure, YOU.
You still came to the game despite everything, you knew how important it as and how bummed Alexia felt at the fact that she wasn’t able to play when she felt discomfort in her knee again. She smiled a little at you not wanting to get the wrong intention, but u smiled back and mouthed the words “ good luck” t her. She felt a little giddy inside at the fact that you showed up and smiled at her she truly did love you despite everything. But she then realized that’s the feeling she was having with Olga, she immediately felt nauseous at that thought , her eyes went to Olga’s and Olga smiled at her and made a heart towards Alexia and she smiled back doing the same, not realizing you were watching that entire interaction. You got so mad at that, really after you ignoring and ghosting her she still hasn’t changed, wow you were truly foolish, you thought this plan to come was dumb.
They won, Spain won the cup, you were so proud of al of them and Alexia despite how you felt. Afterwards all of the team were going around to family and celebrating, alexia was so caught up in her excitement she immediately ran to her family and then in the process hugged Olga not forgetting to leave quite a long kiss on her cheek and the hug wad quite long to. You didn’t know how to feel was it out of friendliness or what but you also felt shitty as you are still her girlfriend she didn’t even think about you but went t Olga , after a while they she reached her hand to Olga and they held hands so a while, you were now fuming you felt so fed up and you had made your decision, you and alexia aren’t meant to be her match was Olga clearly, she clearly loved her more than you, her actions spoke a 1000 words even though Alexia never said anything. You stood up and walked out into the lobby, alexia saw you stand and leave and was confused , why were you leaving already she hadn’t spoken to you yet, she cut her greeting short and ran up to find you quickly. She found you just before you exited and stopped you.
“ wait, amor, where are you going? Why are you leaving already,?” she asked.
You truly were dumbfounded at her questions, was she really that oblivious?
“ Are you seriously asking me that question? You completely ignored me once again like you always do for HER, I’m tired of being your second opinion, I’m your girlfriend why do I have to be the second opinion over that girl. What is wrong me with, why do you make me feel so invisible whenever she is around, am I not enough , what do I lack that she has, she doesn’t all that much greater than I do!”, you yelled and questioned .
You felt bad at the comment you made about her looks, but you were so angry and it was the truth she wasn’t that much more beautiful than you so what attracted alexia to her so much.
“What is wrong with, why would you say that about her, who have you become?”, says alexia
“ Oh wow that’s all you think about is her and her feelings, what about me I’m here to you know, om tired of you invalidating my feelings, how many times do I have to say this!”, you scream
Well the universe was truly not on you side as you see Olga approaching you’ll. This made everything a whole lot worse you felt like a tea pot steaming.
“ Why do you have to come and ruin Alexia’s day, you knew how important this was to her and yet you came to ruin what is wrong with you, why don’t you value you relationship, Alexia is already out of your league , just appreciate what you get, you are so ungrateful!”, Olga yelled at you.
If speechless was a person it would be you, more at the fact that alexia just stood there doing nothing. You just looked between the two of them and laughed, you wanted to walk away but no you weren’t gonna be the good guy anymore.
“ Firstly this is a conversation between my girlfriend and I something you seem to forget a lot so you have not right butting in and giving your 2 cents that wasn’t asked and needed for. So kindly mind your business and not mine or alexia’s at that matter. I’m done with you inserting yourself in this relationship its obnoxious and annoying!”, you told her.
Alexia was shocked she’d never seen you like this or heard you talk like this she felt proud but after looking at Olga’s “hurt” expression she immediately got defensive and told you off.
“ she’s not meddling but doing something you should defending me and reasoning and being considerate, it’d my big day and all you did was think about yourself, you are obnoxious and man speaking to her like that, I don’t know who you have become but I don’t like this , take Olga as a role model and learn from her instead of judging this is how you should be.”, alexia said
You wanted to break down and cry right there but you weren’t gonna give Olga that satisfaction seeing that smirk on her face. You looked at alexia and said
“ well then why don’t you date her, because I’m done I can do this anymore living in her shadow, clearly you’d rather be with her.”, you replied
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randomgurl2326 · 8 months
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Talk About It
A/N: I am currently writing this in my geometry class and listening to Kick Me by Sleeping With Sirens and I feel actually alive right now…
Also this will have nothing to do with the plot of the show whatsoever
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The hum of the teachers voices travels through the abandoned boiler room through the deafening silence; the two just sitting there, saying nothing but thinking everything.
“So… we’re just not going to talk about it,” the sound of Arthur’s voice practically booms in their ears. The Spindell boy looks to his right to look in their eyes, but only to see them looking down.
“Uh, no. No, no, no, no… and definitely no. We are not going to talk about it, maybe never, okay, Arthur? Just… no,” the h/c haired person rambles quickly. They quickly look over to the boy with the glasses, observing his body language.
Spoon lols back at y/n, catching each others eye. “So we’re definitely not going to talk about that intense kiss that just happened with my best friend that I thoroughly enjoyed? Yeah, well, not gonna happen.”
“I’m going to be subjected to this torture, okay? We may have kissed but that doesn’t mean…” the h/c said, trailing off at the end. They start again, more umph in their voice, “Th-that doesn’t mean they we,” they point in between themselves, “like each other, right? Am I right? O-or does it? I don’t really know, so maybe I should like go, right? That’s the best option here isn’t it?”
As they start to get up they Spindell boy grabs their hand and pulls them back down. Spoon started pacing around the room and pointed right at them, “You’re going to listen, and you’re going to listen good, okay? We’ve known each other for actually ever, we’ve shared every little experience together if we liked it or not. We are best friends.
And, you wanna know what; I’ve liked you since you kicked Wendy Callaghan’s ass in third grade after she threw my glasses in the sand box, the first time I wanted to kiss you? Eighth grade at that dance after Carey Stanten rejected you, and called you a fucking dyke, okay?
We’ve stood by each other through it all, and I’ve thought I’ve almost lost you several times to fucking dicks that didn’t deserve your fucking space, so yeah, that kiss did mean something. At least to me.”
y/n started shaking there head with tears in their eyes, looking directly at the panting boy, voice trembling, “I’ve liked you since fourth grade when we went to that stupid zoo when you were in awe of those fucking koala bears.
But, you said it yourself, we’ve been through every experience together. Y- mmm you know that I’m fucked up. But, that also doesn’t stop me from fucking loving you of every damn minute, every hour, of every day. I’ve been scared and I haven’t been fair to you, and I haven’t been fair to me.
I want to be happy with you, for you. And I thought if I told you, you’d leave but I know you wouldn’t do that, it was always in the back of my mind. But wh-why would y-“
“Shit up,” Arthur says as he pulls y/n back in for another kiss, resting his forehead on their’s with his eyes closed and his head nodding side to side, “you know I wouldn’t leave you for that, you know I wouldn’t leave you…”
He starts laughing a little and says, “by the way I love you too.”
They h/c person starts laughing and pushes him back, looking him in his eyes, “fuck off, bitch. I still have pictures of you from back in fifth grade.”
A/N: that was my first time writing for Arthur ‘Spoon’ Spindell and I feel pretty proud of it. As always, my little chalupas, feel free to ask if you want to be added to any of my taglists, want me to write for a character, or just want to talk. Also, I have and Ema Winslow WIP and a Hannah/Shira one as well. I love you all.
—Abigale
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countryclubkook · 1 year
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Too kind for your own good
Pairing: Rafe Cameron x Fem!Reader
Warnings: angst, blood, death, language, toxic father and son relationship, small mention of abuse (ward slaps Rafe), guns, spoilers for obx, language, very violent and intense situation, there is no happiness here, this is pure heartbreak and angst with no fluff in sight
Summary: You find out the truth about Rafe and he doesn’t take it so well, now he has to make a choice. You or his father, but things don’t exactly go as planned and he has to suffer the consequences of his own selfish actions.
A/N: I don’t know how I feel about the ending because I could not figure out how I wanted this to end but I needed to get it out so I hope you enjoy. The timelines in this are a bit different from the show and there are certain things mentioned here that happen at different times in the show than in the story and that is solely for writing purpose,
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“Oh princess, can’t say i’m surprised to see you turn against us. You always were too kind for your own good” Rafe’s voice was slow and taunting, a sadistic look of happiness on his face at the way your body tensed up and how your eyes went dark at the sight of him.
The gun that he’d used to shoot Sarah waving around in the air as if it was his prize. Her blood still staining your mind from the picture you’d seen when they talked to the police, not knowing whether or not she’d made it after the adrenaline inevitably wore off made you sick. It wasn’t until the three of you got back to OBX and Kelce ran to the country club telling Rafe he’d seen her and John B that you’d known she was still alive. You never thought Rafe would try to kill his own sister, you didn’t think he was capable of killing anyone until you found out the truth about Peterkin.
“I’ll miss you Y/N. I’ll make sure your pretty face is the headline of every news station though, can’t just let you die without the fame of it all. And John B over there,” he nodded to the unconscious body of the innocent teen boy that was blamed for all this mess, the boy who had been through so much for wanting to find gold and be with the girl he loves, “He’ll be easy to frame for your…tragic end. I mean come on, you’re my girlfriend, you tried to reason with him and keep him away from my dad and I because he was becoming unhinged and it got ugly, he shot you and then himself. Problem solved”
Your breathing hitched as you tried backing away from him. Your legs felt like jelly and your hands were shaking uncontrollably, you’d never seen Rafe like this and it was scaring you. He wasn’t actually going to kill you right? The way he took long strides towards you was telling you otherwise, the crazy yet calm look in his eyes as if you were nothing to him hurt you more than any weapons could. You remained quiet though, something that seemed to piss him off.
“Why are you so quiet huh? Fucking answer me bitch!” it took everything in you not to flinch. Instead, you closed your eyes and took a deep breath in.
“What do you want me to say Rafe? What am I supposed to say in this situation?” your voice trembled slightly and you cursed your body for giving away your true fear. He let out a humorless chuckle and began to circle you.
“You can beg, I know you’re good at that. All those little home videos of you on your knees begging me to use you, to hurt you, to do whatever I want, they prove that” you swallowed back tears and gave him a look of acceptance. There was nothing you could do to prevent your death, why bother fighting it and giving him the satisfaction?
“Why? Why not just kill me now huh? Kill me and John B and take what you’ve always wanted Rafe, make your daddy proud” he looks at you with furrowed brows and tilted his head slightly.
“What?” he asks in confusion, watching as you slowly walked towards him with seemingly no fear.
“I said,” another step towards him until you were directly in front of him “kill me. Fucking kill me Rafe”
His face tensed, you were supposed to be scared, beg him to let you go, not beg him to kill you. What the fuck was happening right now?
“Y/N-“ you cut him off with a harsh shove to his chest.
“Murder me Rafe! Fucking murder me like you murdered Sheriff Pete” shove.
“Shoot me like you shot your sister!” another shove before you began beating on his chest with closed fists.
“Murder me Rafe! MURDER ME!” you began screaming as something inside you snapped. All the fear, all the betrayal, the confusion, all of it coming to the surface and exploding.
“Y/N stop! What-“ again he was cut off by a combination of hits and shoves as you broke down in front of him.
“MURDER ME! MURDER ME! MURDER ME! MU-“ a harsh gasp leaving your throat as you gripped onto the fabric of his shirt. Neither one of you looked down knowing it wasn’t good.
He watched in pure fear and panic as his father pulled a knife out of your back and shoved you to the ground. His face was void of emotion as he watched Rafe fall to the ground with you and cradle your bleeding out frame. Tears had fallen onto your cheeks like little rain droplets as Rafe’s eyes teared up just the same.
“Dad, what did you do? What the fuck did you do?!” his voice came out in a broken yell as he tried to apply pressure to your stomach in hopes it would stop the bleeding.
But the blood kept pouring out, staining his hands. The ring you’d bought him for your one year anniversary now covered in your blood, he was going to have to hold you as you died, all because of him, with the jewels you gave him. How fucking twisted was that? Your pained groan pulled him out of his thoughts as he quickly realized he couldn’t save you. Your clothes were soaked in blood as were his pants, and the pool of blood had soaked your hair and left small streaks on your face.
Ward stood there with a look of disappointment at the scene in front of him. “We need to take care of him now son. We can’t let emotion get in the way, I mean it’s not like you loved her that much anyway seeing as you were about to kill her” he was right. Rafe was about to kill you and pin it all on John B solely because you’d seen how much of a monster he was and wanted to leave. All his potential to be good and have a good thing ruined just for his dad’s acceptance. But it’s not like he could change it now, especially when your blood was caked onto his hands.
“W-well, I guess this is how it ends. Who would,” you cough, blood pooling in your throat as you do, “who would have thought” a sad yet lazy smile on your face.
“I-i’m sorry baby. I’m so fucking sorry” he meant for everything. For dragging you into this mess, for being the reason you died, for being so fucked up and needing his dads approval and acceptance so bad that he threw all the good down the drain just to get it.
All he could do was mutter small apologies as he cradled and rocked your cold and bloody body while your breathing got slower and slower until it stopped, one final raspy breath in and a small gurgle sound caught in the back of your throat. His face screwed up as tears formed in his eyes, he couldn’t be bothered to wipe them. He wanted to keep holding you until you were pried from his hands, but Ward had other plans. There was no time for him to mourn on his schedule.
“Rafe. come on son,” a deep sigh filled the room as Ward wiped his hands on his face “Let’s finish this. Make me proud, we’re so close to this being done”.
Right. John B was still there, this was all for gold and not just some tragic accident that he could genuinely say he had no part in. His hands reached for your face, gently moving his fingers to close your eyes that he used to look so deeply into out of pure love and admiration, to trace every last feature of yours one last time. You looked so beautiful even in death, that’s all Rafe could think about. How his girl managed to look so beautiful even after being fucking stabbed and covered in her own blood.
“I love you. I’m sorry” one last kiss to your cold and parted lips before he stood, gently laying your body on the ground.
“Good, now come on. Help me with John B, if we kill him here we can make it look like a set up” fuck, this was crazy. Sure Rafe hated the pogues and wanted to get the gold…but he also loved you. But he loved his dad as well and he was just starting to be proud of him and accept him as his son, what was he supposed to do?
“Rafe!” Ward's voice pulled him out of his thoughts “Come on son, what are you doing?”
He watched Rafe pace back and forth, his hands pulling at his hair before roughly pressing onto his eyes. He was starting to get nervous at his son’s erratic behavior and knew he needed to help ground him before he lost total control and did something that would fuck them both.
“Dad, I'm not okay. This isn’t okay, oh my god you killed her. You killed her dad, why did you do that?” he repeated to Ward over and over again before he came over and placed his hands on both sides of Rafe’s face.
“It’s okay, you’re okay son. We’re going to get the gold and everything is going to be fine'' Rafe scoffed and rolled his eyes before pushing his dads hands off his face.
“None of this is okay dad, you fucking killed her!” slap.
“Watch your tone Rafe. All of this is your fucking fault, you fucked us all! Now either you help me with John B or you go down for it all” he watched Rafe swallow harshly as he touched his face, time was running out and he couldn’t wait for his son to gather his emotions.
“Okay, okay. I’m sorry dad”
“There’s my boy, let’s end this. Now” Ward moved over to where John B remained unconscious and signaled Rafe to come over.
Rafe would do anything to make his dad proud and he hated it, especially when your bloody and lifeless corpse laid just inches away from him, serving as a reminder of his choices. All he could do was look at you while his father talked to him, your hands almost as if they were reaching for him even in death, and he fucking hated himself. He wished you would have just stayed away, that you would have told him to go fuck himself months ago and left to save yourself. But you always saw the good in him, and as he always reminded himself, you always were too kind for your own good, and your kindness got you killed along with his selfishness.
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takecareluv · 2 years
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How about a famous actress reader & she’s filming a tv show or movie. one of her co-stars is her ex, and the ex been blasting her on social media ever since her relationship with Jackman got revealed & reader doesn’t feel comfortable on set with the ex. So Jackman comes to set with her being all protective.
movie star || jack harlow x reader
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you had just received the call you’d been waiting almost your whole life for, the call any aspiring actress was dying to get. you were officially casted as the lead in hollywood’s next biggest blockbuster film. you knew this would be the role that would launch your career further than you’d ever imagined.
you couldn’t contain your excitement, a smile was glued to your face as you ran around the house in search of your boyfriend, wanting to immediately share the good news. jack was your number one fan and nothing but supportive through every step of your career, through every up and down. he was the first person you told about every role you landed and you couldn’t wait to tell him about this one, your most prominent one yet.
you took long strides towards the in home studio jack spent most of his afternoons in, softly pushing the door open, not wanting to interrupt anything important.
when you noticed it was just him in the room, messing around with some of the equipment you knew nothing about, you ran up to him while letting out the biggest squeal.
jack turned around with wide eyes, clutching his chest in fear. “jesus baby, you scared the shit out of me. need to put a bell on your or something, you’re too quiet.”
you ignored his sarcastic comment, too eager about sharing the news. “i did it, j. i got the part! the lead role, can you believe it!” you beamed, jumping up and down unable to contain your enthusiasm any longer.
a smile spread across jack’s face, instantly forgetting all about the faulty equipment that had him pissed off just a moment ago. ”baby, that’s amazing! i’m so proud of you. i knew you would get it.”
he waltzed over to you, bringing you into a tight hug while pressing a short kiss to your forehead. “my little movie star,” he smirked. “now everyone’s gonna know how talented you really are.”
you blushed at his compliment, nuzzling further into his chest to hide the rosiness that appeared on your cheeks.
“you know better than to hide that pretty face from me, baby girl. c’mon, lemme see that beautiful smile.” he said cheekily, bringing his thumb to your chin and tilting your head up to face him. “there she is,” he smiled. “so pretty. wait till the camera gets ahold of you.” he leaned down until your soft lips touched his, bringing you into a kiss to which he immediately deepened.
before things got a little too steamy in the studio, you pulled away and instead wrapped your arms around jack once more, just wanting to be as close to him as possible.
“so who’s your costar?” jack asked.
“i actually have no clue. lemme see if they posted it. the lady on the phone told me they were announcing everything today.”
you picked up your phone, opening up safari and typing in the name of the movie plus ‘cast’. it took a second to load before the screen displayed your picture, a good one at that, alongside the very man you’ve been trying your best to avoid since your relationship with jack began.
you scoffed, of course your costar would be your ex boyfriend. “you’ve got to be kidding me.”
“what? who is it?” jack questioned, wondering who would evoke a reaction like that from you, and only one person came to mind. “it’s him, isn’t it?”
“mhm, my fucking ex.” you sighed. “what am i gonna do? i can’t give up this role but i don’t feel comfortable working with him.” even after two years of being broken up and you clearly being in a very happy relationship, your ex still didn’t understand you wanted nothing to do with him. you dealt with him harassing you on a social media for months saying all sorts of bullshit in attempt to get you back before you ultimately blocked him on every platform, and essentially out of your life.
but now you would be stuck working with him for months. and even worse, he would play your love interest.
“i swear if i have to kiss him. oh god, i’m gonna have to kiss him, aren’t i?” you wanted to throw up just at the thought of it.
jack’s jaw clenched thinking about you anywhere near that scumbag. “i’m coming to set with you everyday and if tries anything, i’m kicking his ass baby. i’ve been waiting to for two years now.”
you giggled, knowing how much jack hated your ex for what he did to you, and how much he wanted him to pay. you wouldn’t lie, you found it a little hot.
“my knight in shining armor.” you teased, pressing a kiss to his cheek. “i love you. thank you for supporting me.”
                              ✧ ⋆ ࣪.* ࣪ ♡ ࣪.* ࣪ ⋆ ✧  
it was two weeks later and jack kept his promise. you were sat in his jeep as he drove to set for your first day of filming.
you were suprised how at ease you felt, the only thing making you nervous about the day ahead was seeing him. you only hoped he took the hint after you blocked all communication with him, but knowing your ex he would do anything just to start problems.
when you arrived on set, jack parked in your designated spot. you couldn’t believe you had your own spot. usually you would be stuck searching for one all the way in lot D on the other end of set. but now here you were parking right next to the entrance in a spot with your name on it. how is this real life? you thought to yourself as jack opened the door for you. nothing is going to ruin this.
you walked hand in hand through the building in awe. today was just a table read but you could already see some of the sets coming to life, the builders working hard to make sure everything was perfect. you even thought you caught a glimpse of your costumes, all the bright colors and sequins matching the style of that era precisely. you squealed pointing it out to jack to which he only smiled, caught up in how adorable you were.
you finally reached the room you would be working in for the day and everyone, producers and cast alike, were so thrilled to see you. many introductions were made before they handed you a script and told you were to sit, luckily far away from your ex.
                              ✧ ⋆ ࣪.* ࣪ ♡ ࣪.* ࣪ ⋆ ✧  
the reading went smoothly, with your ex staying professional the entire time. although you weren’t sure how long that would last after hearing him call after you as you made your way back to the car with jack by your side.
you eventually stopped in your tracks, realizing you would have to talk to him eventually if you were going to be working together going forward. jack looked down at you confused. “let’s just get this over with.” you whispered before turning to finally come face to face with your ex.
“i see you’re still with this loser,” he quickly shot out.
jack’s jaw clenched as he stepped closer, his hand in a fist. “you better watch your damn mouth.”
your ex smirked looking at you and then back to jack. “you enjoying my sloppy seconds? surprised you stuck out this long with that bitch. she was always a little too clingy for my taste.”
jack was furious. how dare anyone, especially this asshole, speak about you like that. he wasn’t going to let that slide. “what the fuck did you say?”
your ex was about to say something else when jack swung at him, landing a hard punch to the mouth he clearly didn’t know when to shut.
you gasped, unsure of what to do. you’ve never seen jack get this angry before and you didn’t want him to hurt himself, but then again your ex deserved it.
you walked closer just in case you needed to step in but continued to watch in enjoyment as jack gripped the shorter man by his shirt with the nastiest look you’d ever seen him give someone. “now you listen to me. you better not so much as look at my girlfriend, let alone talk to her when you’re not filming. if i hear word that you bother her anymore, i will come down here and kick your ass. and i won’t go so easy next time. do you understand me?” jack yelled in his face.
“i said do you understand me?” he screamed a little louder, emphasizing each word when he didn’t hear a response.
you watched your ex nod his head in fear, and you wouldn’t lie, it made you laugh. “yes, yes i understand.” he stuttered.
“good.” jack stated, letting go of the frightened man. “now what do you have to say to y/n?”
“i- i’m sorry, y/n. i won’t bother you again.”
you gave a shy smile, not knowing what to say. “uh- thanks.”
“see that wasn’t so hard now was it?” jack mocked while giving him a pat on the back.
“now get the fuck out of here.”
you giggled as your ex ran towards the exit.
“wow, i didn’t know i was dating such a badass,” you teased, smiling up at him.
“c’mon now, baby. stop playin’. you know i’ve always been a badass.” he smirked while wrapping his arm around your shoulder and guiding you towards the car.
if there was one thing you learned today, it was that jack does not mess around when it comes to the people he loves, especially you.
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kuzann · 5 months
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I finally got the next chapter out! orz This took way too long and I'm so glad I can finally post it. Total word count of 14.7k.
Chapter 9: Fighting Spirit
Kara returns and challenges the protectors of Amity Park to a tournament. Chapter-Specific Triggers: Trauma flashback, Past medical abuse Relevant Characters: Danny, Valerie, Sam, Tucker, Vlad, Jack, Maddie, Jazz, Kara(OC), The Box Ghost, Wulf, Clockwork
Excerpt:
A familiar figure approached as Vlad reached the drinking hall.
“So, did you invite this one, Plasmius?” Danny asked, arms folded over his chest as he glared at Vlad.
“She’s an uninvited guest, which appears to be the norm of late,” Vlad replied, fixing Danny with a glare of his own. “I was about to speak with her and see if this can be settled quietly. Don’t get in my way.”
“Fine,” Danny said with a roll of his eyes.
The door to the main entrance was open when Vlad found it. He entered with Danny on his tail and flew above an enormous arena with tiers of tables set around it. At the far end of the hall was the largest seat of all, a throne of dark intricately-carved wood, and upon it sat Kara the Spirit of Battle. She was every bit as imposing as the pictures had been, muscular and with a proud aquiline nose.
Kara spotted them immediately. Her eyes were dusky-gold like the hunter’s moon with black sclera, and her irises had flashed briefly in the torchlight as if they were metallic. “The tournament does not start for at least an hour,” she said, in a voice befitting her strong physique. “So, why have you come here?”
“I’m here to see if we could work out a deal of some sort,” Vlad said as he came to a stop before her throne. “My citizens don’t appreciate being scared like this.”
“As if you actually care,” Danny said behind him.
“You are the leader of this community?” Kara asked, raising an eyebrow. “A ghost leading a human settlement? How strange.”
“Half-ghost,” Vlad corrected her. “They know me as a human.”
“Interesting,” Kara said, watching him keenly. “You needn’t worry about your citizens. Those in my care are safe, and those outside will enjoy the tournament from wherever they please.” She looked to Danny. “And why are you here, child?”
“I’m worried about the hostages,” Danny replied.
“Guests,” Kara corrected him.
“And I wanted to ask why you’re doing this,” Danny added.
“To measure the strength of this location’s protectors,” Kara replied. “You need only participate, then I will allow my guests to return home.”
“You should probably disqualify Vlad then,” Danny quipped as he jerked a thumb at Vlad. “He kind of endangers the city more than protecting it.”
“We beat Nocturne together, you brat!” Vlad snapped as he turned to Danny.
“And that’s against how many other times where you brought the problem here yourself?” Danny asked. “Undergrowth counts, by the way.”
“I didn’t even know he existed before he showed up!” Vlad snapped.
“You were still the reason he showed up at all!” Danny replied.
Kara watched the exchange with amusement. “So the leader of this place is also its greatest menace?” she asked.
“He is.”
“I am not!”
“So, menace—”
“I am not a menace!” Vlad cried as he turned to Kara again.
“—what did you intend to offer me that would be worth putting a stop to my tournament?”
Vlad paused to consider his options. He’d been ready to give her just about anything to avoid having to fight Maddie, but Kara didn’t seem like the sort who was interested in artifacts or favors. If she was only here to measure the strength of Amity Park’s protectors, however...
“I can prove that I’m strong enough to protect the city by myself,” Vlad said.
Danny burst into laughter behind him.
“Oh? All by yourself?” Kara asked, raising an eyebrow. “I will require you to back that up.”
“Gladly.”
Danny stopped laughing. “Uh, Vlad.”
“Very well. If you wish to prove yourself as the sole protector of this place then step into the arena.”
“This isn’t a good idea, Vlad!”
“Hush, Daniel. I told you not to get in my way, now watch and learn.” Vlad backed away from Kara’s throne and touched down in the arena, discreetly turning on the lightning-redirection device clipped to his belt.
Kara stood.
And was suddenly within melee range. A wave of wind flowed in front of her, pushed along by her sheer speed.
Vlad instinctively brought up a shield.
Kara’s leg made contact, her movements almost too fast for Vlad to properly follow.
The shield broke as he was thrown back and away, sparing him the worst of the kick.
His back made contact with the far end of the arena. The crash—or rather the tremendous noise that accompanied it—made his ears ring. Broken planks from the shattered wall rained down on him as he got to his knees. He’d been expecting lightning. He hadn’t been expecting raw speed.
Vlad’s body was a mass of pain as he got to his feet. Lightning-fast. Had the lightning depictions been metaphors for her incredible speed, then? Or could she do both?
Kara was upon him again, fist raised as she loomed over him.
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ashtraythief · 26 days
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So, firstly, I just have to say, I mcfreaking LOVE your work. The Underneath series? Mwuah, chef’s kiss, changed my brain chemistry. I will forever be inspired by and cherish your work. Perhaps I can’t properly express my appreciation for your writing and the characterizations and world-building you’ve done, but please know that I appreciate your work dearly and it never fails to inspire me to write better every time that I read something of yours.
That being said, I was re-reading the Underneath series, yes? And I’m on the second chapter of Pressure Point where Busy tells Jared that Alona was the one to reach out to her. And I realized something. Although you’ve never touched upon it explicitly in your fics from what I can remember, I realized that, just like the other agents that aren’t on a case, her information is accessible on the FBI’s database, something of which we know Jared has access to. We also know that Alona is Jensen’s make-believe sister. In True Lies Jared mentions that Jensen had once told him that he and his sister look similar. What if Jared wants a photo of her? Or even just wants to know concretely how she looks like? I can’t remember if Jensen had actually ever shown Jared a photo of her — being that he was extremely protective of her because as we know he can’t let Jared get any sort of close to Jensen’s real identity which includes Alona in herself — but if he hasn’t yet, it makes me wonder (and scared!) how that might bring upon the beginning of the end for them. Because then Jared would be able to connect the dots. “Your sister looks like Special Agent Alona Tal? Your sister IS Special Agent Alona Tal???” And see the thing is, even Jensen doesn’t know that it was Alona that approached Busy. He just knows it was Morgan who set everything up. So he wouldn’t know showing Jared a picture of his “sister” is a deadly mistake.
Of course I’m not actually sure if Alona’s information is even on the database or if Jensen would ever show Jared a picture of his “sister,” but it was a possibility I realized while re-reading Pressure Point and rediscovering that it was Alona that approached Busy, not Morgan or one of the other agents.
Truthfully I’m scared of the possibility because obviously I love the boys and want them to live a happily ever after together! But I suppose I had to share my horrified thoughts with you and get some insight on this possibility.
Thank you again for all the work you do! I’ve gained so much from you allowing us to read your creations and I’m all the better for it. Keep doing what your doing and be proud of the work you are doing!
- An avid fan <3
Omg *flails wildly* nonnie, thank you so so much for your kind words, I'm kind of speechless. Obviously it means a lot to me when people enjoy my writing but knowing that it inspired someone is insane? And lovely? It's all the things and I have all the feelings now, and I can express them properly like the good writer I am lol.
As for your question, omg, that is a deep dive. And I get the anxiety, but I think the simple answer is that Jensen will never allow them to meet and never plans to show Jared a picture. Mostly it's because Jensen never thought the charade would go that far. I think Jensen never expected to be with Jared for years and that Jared wanting to see/meet his sister would eventually become a real problem. It could be now, but I think the longer Jensen is with Jared, the less he pretends to be in contact with his sister and as someone who doesn't have a lot of contact with his own family, I don't think that Jared finds it very strange. Esp bc Jensen's reasons for keeping her away from all the crime stuff are solid. So I think Alona/Jensen's sister aren't a problem. Jensen has other problems and liabilities that might be much more dangerous in the future 😅
And I can only return your sentiment, nonnie. My life has become so much better since I've started writing and sharing my stories. Sometimes knowing that people enjoy my fics so much they take the time to send me tumblr messages still feels absolutely batshit. In the best possible way. And while I am proud of (most lol) of my writing, l am most proud that I can write something that brings other people joy.
Thank you so so much 💙
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 look at himmmm i need to do this. the met gala is one of my superbowls as a queer. i am upset zendaya and billy porter werent there this year tho. this is a little short bc i have no clue what else happens at the met soooo
|remember to leave feedback and i love all you heathens|
‘Broadway and Breakker’ Bron Breakker (Bronson) x fem!reader
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^reader plays katherine howard in six: the musical on broadway. when the 2022 met gala came around, she had to bring her boyfriend to the occasion^
- i’m a history nerd and i’m aware it’s actually spelt ‘catherine’ but for the sake of the musical, i’m using the k - disclaimer: i absolutely ADORE blake lively and ryan reynolds but once again, for the sake of this; im replacing them with reader and bron. fight me - making up details in blake’s dress bc im blind and CONTENT B0iss - Y/L/N - your last name - got lewd towards the end
3rd Person POV:
No one would have expected this pair to walk a red carpet of this caliber together. Since they broke the news of their relationship, a lot of noses went up at the concept of a Broadway performer and a professional wrestler dating. It did bother them the first two months but they quickly decided that what random people thought of their relationship didn’t matter. They were head over heels for each other. When she was told so was invited to the annual Met Gala, she actually scared him when she jumped up and down on the couch. The email also said that she could bring someone and how could she not take Bronson? 
As they were about to go on the carpet, he noticed her nerves spiking. She was rattling off things that could go wrong and mistakes she could make, “Hey look at me, nothing bad is going to happen. This is a first for both of us. You have nothing to worry about. You look absolutely breathtaking, darling.” Her dress mirrored a renaissance painting, hair down with a crown pinned in her hair. The six spikes on the crown was a nod to her role as Katherine Howard in Six: The Musical on Broadway. Though the most important part of her ensemble was the chain around her neck with a charm of the letter ‘B’. He had gotten the necklace for her for their one year anniversary; it almost never leaves her body, even hides it under her costume for the show. Bronson opted for a black suit as he wanted all the attention on the love of his life. She looked in his eyes and like magic, her anxiety disappeared. “I love you.” he kissed her quickly but gently as he responded “I love you too.”
Picture after picture, they made their way to  Emma Chamberlain for an interview. “Here we have Broadway’s own K.Howard, Y/N Y/L/N!” Emma introduced. She smiled at the young lady. “And might I ask who this dapper fellow is?” “Hey Emma, you look lovely. This is my boyfriend, Bronson. For all you wrestling fans out there; Bron Breakker.” She introduced him proudly. “You two are so cute together and you look amazing. What’s it like playing out part of history on one of the most important stages in the world?” Y/N first thanked Emma for the compliments, “Well, it’s so special to me to get to showcase more women’s history that would normally go under the radar. I’m so grateful for my time as an alternate for all six queens, but there was something so raw about Howard’s story that I was over the moon when I got the role officially.” Emma turned to Bronson who was watching his girlfriend talk about her work so passionately, “Have you seen Y/N in the show yet?” He was a little nervous to answer but, “I was there opening night and I was just so blown away, as always. Y/N is just amazing at what she does and I’m just so proud of her. I could never be on those stages.” “And I could never get in those rings.” Emma was signaled to wrap things up, “So would you say your first Met Gala has been going well?” Y/N nodded. “Little nervous but I’m happy I have Bronson by my side.” she looked up and kissed him. “Thank you guys so much. I hope to see you two in there.” “Thank you Emma. Take care honey.”
Later that night
After the event, the couple made their way back to her apartment. She had changed into a different dress; a red minidress with black heels, before the dinner, opting to wear it home. They both went to change into something more comfortable until he caught her staring as he undid his bowtie. “Yes baby?” She came up behind him, wrapping her arms around his midsection, “Thank you for coming with me. I know it’s not exactly your thing.” He turned around and put his hands on her waist and lower back, “You know I would always do this kind of stuff for you. I love seeing you talk about the show. And you were the most beautiful star on that carpet. I couldn’t take my eyes off you~” “You looked pretty handsome yourself. You always look especially sexy in a suit.” She pulled him closer and kissed him hard. “As much as I’d love to take you right now in that little dress, we both have to be up tomorrow.” She couldn’t help but pout. “No baby. No pouting.” He was right. She had rehearsal and he had training. “When we come back here tomorrow, you’re all mine.” she whispered and bit his lip before walking away.  “Always a temptress.” he stated, quoting a line from the show. She poked her head out the bathroom door, “That’s Anne Boleyn. She was beheaded first.” He laughed. 
~~~~~~~
lovely taglist babes (dm or comment to be added) @josiewrites @rubyred1980 @chrisdickinson @xkennyxomegax @wwenhlimagines @night-of-the-living-shred​
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sincerelymeridyth · 2 years
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Darby Allin: The Last Three Years (Part 2)
Bet y’all thought I forgot. Nope I just needed time to think about Part 2. I hope y’all enjoy and again I am new to this so be kind. Also I use his ring name and real name interchangeably so sue me. 
Oh and heres Part One 
So admittedly you had no idea what to do next. Who in the hell would, it’s not just like you could just met the man who stomped you heart out for coffee and say “Surprise you have a son”. So after a few days and many MANY missed calls and text from Darby you agreed to have hime come to your place and talk. To most it seemed like a bad idea but this is where you felt the most comfortable and you knew no matter how awkward and hard this conversation may be he would never in a million years would Sam hurt you. So there you sat and waited until there was a quiet knock at your door. You slowly opened it to be met with you favorite pair of blue eyes, one of the things you were so thankful your son got from him. 
“Hi” Darby said shyly almost like he had never met you before. In a way that was true, you were a completely different person from three years ago. That thought almost gave you a little comfort. 
“Come in please” You muttered completely lost in your own thought you had forgotten to invite him in. 
He took one step inside and quietly started to look around. You offered to go get some water and be back shortly. When you returned you saw him staring at picture you had hung on the walls. Some from when you were pregnant, some from just after axel was born, his first birthday with cake covering his face, all the memories you wish Darby could have been there for. You set the cups down and walked to stand next to him. 
“He’s yours. I know thats not news considering his age and the fact he looks completely like you.” You finally said. There was no point in avoiding the elephant in the room anymore. Once you had finally said it out loud a weight had been lifted off you shoulders. Darby turned to you with a small smile and gestured for you to sit down . 
“Sam I-” He cut you off before you could start
“I wanted to be mad at you. I was so so mad at you the night I saw you at the show. I knew the moment I saw him and you he was mine and I couldn’t believe you of all people would keep that from me. Keep my son from me.” Darby started and as much as it hurt you knew he was right. At the end of the day no matter the fear and hurt he had caused you it was selfish to keep him from his son. 
“But” Darby continued. “After a day or so I started to understand why. I can’t imagine what it must have been like to do this, all of it, alone. How scared you must have been, how hurt you must have been. So am I mad, a little I mean I’ve missed so much, but I want you to know before we talk this through I am no mad at you. I understand and I forgive you.” 
You were too stunned to speak. How? How could he be so calm about this all. You kept the biggest secret in the world from him and he forgives you? After picking you jaw up off the floor you began to speak. 
“Thank you. Ive thought a lot about how this conversation could and would go. If I’m honest it was a lot more yelling. You don’t know what it means that you’re willing to give me that forgiveness.” You started “I wanted to call I did but I was so afraid you wouldn’t want him anyway. That I could tell you about him and you just wouldn’t care and I didn’t want that for him. He’s my whole world I would do anything to protect him and in my heart keeping him from the same pain I felt was easier. God I wanted you there though, his first Holidays, first steps, and even those awful blowout diapers you deserved to be there for all of it. I can’t make up for taking that away but I would love for you to be there for him now.” 
Darby smiled a true smile “Of course I want to be there. You know Y/N you still haven’t told me my little mans name.”
“Axel” You stated proudly “Axel Louis Ratsch” 
Darby laughed a proud laugh “Cool name glad I picked it. Is he here can I meet him?” 
“I actually asked my mom to take him to the park down the road. I didn’t want him to hear anything if this conversation went south. I’d be happy to take you you down there though.” 
“I’d like that a lot.” Darby got up to put his shoes on and you did the same. 
On your way to the park you started “I know this is the last conversation too have and its a little random. Hell I don’t even know my own feelings but I’m not ready for a relationship of any kind. It just doesn’t feel right for my life right now.” 
Darby smiled “Thank you for telling me. I feel the same, I just learned a lot of life changing things and over all my life is pretty crazy. I love you hell I always have and who knows where we will be in the next three years. For now though, I’m happy just being the best parents we can be” 
You hugged him a really tight genuine hug. On your walk you talked caught him up on all the likes and disliked of your little boy. You talked wrestling and before you knew it you had arrived a the park. Finding your mom and giving her a hug. She hugged Darby practically talking his ear off about how good he looked and all he missed. Soon though your little boy spotted you and he took off running admittedly faster than he could handle and he feel hard. One of those falls you knew thought would need a bandaid but you couldn’t help but laugh at his words as he got up. 
“Im okay momma” He said crashing into your legs 
“ I know buddy you always are.” You looked at Darby who looked almost impressed. Any other kid would have been a puddle of tears but not yours. You picked up your little boy checking the damage and turning him to meet Darbys gaze. 
“Axle. This is Sam, he’s your dad and he’s going to be around quite a lot” You said not quite sure how to put it in three year old language. You knew no matter what this was going to be a learning curve but this felt like a place to start. After a while you almost thought this was going to end poorly. Your son loved making new friends though so eventually Axle looked at Darby and smiled wide jumping out of your arms practically clinging onto his neck so he would hold him. 
“We’re gonna be best friends” Axle said pointedly 
Darby looked at him and smiled “Yeah buddy I think so too” 
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Tell you about myself? Alright, fair enough. What do you want to know?
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You can start from the beginning if you want.
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All the way back, huh?
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I had a pretty average childhood. My Dad was away a lot of the time running his paper, writing articles and collecting interviews, so it was just me and my Mom most of the time.
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My mom...well, she and I used to get along when I was a kid, but after I grew up, she started getting...weird. She kept telling me “You’re not as cute as you used to be,” and she kept complaining about how Dad didn’t love her anymore.
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That is weird.
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Yeah, and I didn’t feel like being alone with her after that, so when I was 12, I joined my school’s newspaper club. I thought it would just be something fun to do, but I got really into it.
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I’d find stuff that was going missing, teachers stealing snacks from the students, a lot of people came to me to help them find missing items or even missing pets. And all that was before I even turned 15.
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The hardest was probably when this man came onto school grounds, looking like he had something planned. The teachers told us all to hide, but...I couldn’t. And I made what was probably a dumb decision.
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What’d you do?
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...I caught the guy in the hall, threw some papers at him and got him to chase me into the gym. After that, I managed to find a baseball bat, and when his back was turned, I knocked him out.
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Wait, seriously?! He could’ve really hurt you, or worse!
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I know, I know...my Dad gave me an earful after that.
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But I’m proud of what I did. I like helping people, however I can.
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And I appreciate you helping me.
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But what makes you so sure that my Mom can’t be behind this? You keep talking about how women like her aren’t the real threat.
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*Sigh* And that brings us back to my mother.
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Remember how I said she was complaining that Dad didn’t love her anymore? Well...turns out she was cheating on him with another man.
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If she was unhappy, she could’ve just asked for a divorce, but no, she had to go and do that! And I just happened to walk in on them one evening, and...
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You’re shaking...
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...Sorry. I didn’t mean to get worked up.
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But yeah, I confronted her about it...and she said there wasn’t anything I could do. That I couldn’t get in the way of her happiness.
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Dad was away, and I knew how much he loved her, even if he wasn’t around as much as he would’ve liked. I was scared he wasn’t gonna believe me if I just told her.
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So...I decided to make the hard choice, and gather evidence of the affair.
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You did that against your mom?
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Of course! She broke my trust, my dad’s trust, and all she cared about was her own happiness.
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And after I got enough evidence, even some pictures, I found out who the guy was. I thought it was just a co-worker of hers, but it turns out he was Kajiwara  Akihiro , the son of the CEO of a major company.
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And guess what? The guy was already engaged.
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Sounds like a real winner.
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No kidding. When I gave the evidence to Dad, not only did he and my mom split up, he was prepared to take on that whole company himself.
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The CEO, his son, all the top brass took us to court and tried to have our paper shut down. They used every dirty trick they could against us, everything in their arsenal.
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And Dad actually managed to use that to his advantage. They were a little too transparent, and he managed to uncover all kinds of corruption in their inner workings.
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What about your mom? What’d she do?
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She was in court too, and the whole time, she kept trying to make it seem like my dad was the bad guy. That he treated her like shut, abused her, stole from her...y’know, projecting.
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As soon as Kajiwara was bankrupt, she folded. Her boyfriend wasn’t gonna come save her and all she did was cry. It was pretty pathetic.
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And after that whole debacle, Hope’s Peak offered me a chance to join Class 76.
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That’s quite a story, Esumi-san.
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Yeah. So, maybe I am a little biased, but that’s how these sorts of women tend to act. They rely on their rich boyfriends or husbands to come save them, and as soon as they’re finished, they cave.
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...Man, I didn’t even really think about it until now, but I try to help my dad get divorced and a major company gets shut down on fraud, embezzlement and exploiting their workers. Crazy, huh?
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Honestly? I get it.
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I-I was gonna make this post tomorrow, but.....w-well, for good reason, I just can’t stop thinking about it, and I’ve been thinking about it all day, so.....I-I’m gonna get it out right now....
I’m super happy that I got out of the semifinals in better shape than I expected! I only lost two of my top seven, meaning that I now have a solid top five for the final without pushing any borderlines in there!
So, cuz I love all five of these songs, I’m gonna go over my hopes for each of them in the final, and how I think they’ll all do with the juries now in the picture! Cuz why not? I’m excited! I-I dunno how long this’ll be, so read only if you really wanna! XD
Australia: Top ten finish
Obviously, I flipping love this song with every fiber of my being, but I’m not predicting any more than this. I don’t think it’s a front-runner....and I don’t WANT it to be, cuz I’ve always been against Australia winning Eurovision. But this amazing song deserves to be in the top ten, and I think it’s a safe bet for such a result. I think it’ll be in the top ten in the televote EASILY, after they blew the roof off the arena yesterday. Multiple video reactions and tweets I’ve seen have even said that Australia might’ve won the second semi, and....I don’t agree with that (the Austrian entry was easily the most popular song there), but they definitely went down REALLY WELL live, which is why they got such a big response. I don’t have to worry about their televote score.
But....I have NO IDEA how it’ll go down with the juries. Metal is a very.....love-it-or-hate-it genre, and it comes down to how many jurors are on the “love it” side. Obviously, the live performance is great, so I’m not worried about that part! Instead, everything is riding on the song itself. I know the juries do also pay attention to stage presence tho, so I hope that means they won’t outright overlook Australia even if they don’t dig the genre. We’ll see.
I don’t think they’ll trouble the top five, either way. Instead, later on, if we find out they DID win their semi once the results are revealed, then that’ll be their consolation prize. XD
Finland: Top five finish
I REALLY want them to win. I REALLY REALLY REEEEAAAALLYYYYY want them to win. But, I also don’t like making hard predictions on winners, so I won’t do that here. I think top five is a safe bet at this point - it’s a massive fan-favorite and will likely have an enormous televote score. Even if they don’t win, a top five finish will still be HUGE for Finland, and something to be proud of when you look back at their history. Finland have been consistently one of the most unlucky, underrated countries in Eurovision, year after year, either failing to qualify or qualifying and then placing towards the bottom of the scoreboard, with only THREE exceptions in their entire run - Lordi’s win, Softengine’s 11th place, and Blind Channel’s 6th place. AKA, they haven’t been in the top five since Lordi. That’s TRAGIC if you ask me, considering how many good entries they’ve had that deserved so much better.....About TIME they turned their fortune around!
So, yeah, I’ll be ecstatic if they win, but even being in the top five will be great too.
When if comes to Finland vs. Sweden....I love both songs, I really do. Sweden are actually my number six now, so just BARELY outside this top five. Both songs will be great winners to me. Not to mention that both would be landmarks for different reasons (If Sweden win, this’ll be their seventh win, FINALLY tying Ireland’s record, which they deserve. AND this’ll be their second win with the same artist. If Finland win, it’ll be their second win EVER, AND they’ll have beaten Sweden to get it.) But I am firmly on Team Finland.
However, Finland are....a-at a disadvantage. I have no flipping idea what the juries will think of them at ALL, and that scares me, cuz SO MUCH is riding on their jury score. That will literally determine if they’ll be able to beat Sweden!
If Sweden win the jury vote, and Finland aren’t that far behind, then Finland’ll manage to win with the boost from the televote (unless Sweden’s televote score is higher than theirs, which I don’t think will happen). If Sweden win the jury vote, and Finland are, like....a fair ways down the scoreboard, especially on the right side, then the televote might not be enough, and Sweden will win. EVERYTHING depends on Finland’s jury score.
D-don’t get me wrong, I’ll be happy with Sweden winning and Finland in the top five, but still, thinking of this still stresses me out a lot......
(Also, there’s the matter of the elephant in the room: There will still be people dogpiling televotes on Ukraine. It won’t be nearly as much as last year - we don’t have to worry about Ukraine doing the double - but they’ll still be stealing some points from other countries.....Finland included.....) (And finally, people are saying France might be the darkhorse with the power to contest Finland vs. Sweden, but I’m not really buying it right now, cuz who knows? Even if people love France’s song, and even if it’s performed super well, it’s still possible that everyone could have a collective brain fart and forget to vote for them. Hey, I was there last year.....But if this DOES happen somehow, Finland will still finish in the top five)
Norway: Top ten finish
This is an easy prediction to make. Once again, I don’t think I have to worry about their televote score. People LOVE this song. BUT, unlike my top two, I....I actually think I’m confident the juries will love this too! I think all-rounder Norway will score highly in both votes, but won’t be a front-runner. MAYBE top five is possible, but I won’t get my hopes up with how strong the competition is....like, I’ll make a top five off the top of my head right now, and it won’t include Norway: *ahem* Sweden, Finland, France, Ukraine, UK. See? Or even Sweden, Finland, France, Ukraine, Israel. Point is, there’s a lotta fan-favorites in this final that could end up in any order after the top two, and Norway’s one of them. Thus, top ten.
If I had to guess which one will place higher between Norway and Australia, I’d say Norway.
Poland: DON’T FLOP (right side of the scoreboard)
Oh dear god the juries are gonna eat this poor song alive.....And by eat it alive, I mean ignore it, which is just as bad. I’m still floored that this even made it to the final at ALL, to be honest.....I’m still convinced that it was by a slim margin of, like, five to ten points or something. This song has gotten SO much hate, and now it’s here, and I......I-I still love it. But it’s just a super catchy pop song, and that’s it! No amazing vocals or anything! It’s just there to make you smile, not impress you musically! At least the staging is good, and the dance break they added is super fun, but PFFFFFFFFF no way the JURIES are gonna vote for this thing. I’m not expecting them to place any higher than 20th, to be honest. I don’t want them to FLOP, and I do think their televote score will be juuuuuuust high enough to prevent that? Like, maybe it’ll be in the double digits? But that’ll all I can say for sure. I don’t think it’ll be RIGHT at the bottom once the televotes come in, but if this places dead last in the jury vote, I wouldn’t be surprised.
Keep in mind: I LIKE THIS SONG A LOT. But how the heck is it still here? XD
Moldova: Mid (11th-15th?)
I think Moldova could do well enough in both votes to place just outside the top ten somewhere. It’s not a fan-favorite or anything, but it’s a beautiful and unique song with unique staging, and I think the juries will pay enough attention to it for that. I don’t rememeber how good the live vocals were, unfortunately.....off the top of my head, I remember him sounding....fine? Not bad? So it won’t flop. Even tho I was surprised they qualified, on second thought, there’ll be nothing else in the final that sounds like this. I don’t think they’ll be overlooked that easily (unless they get unlucky in the running order and come right after a fan-favorite, or between fan-favorites, which....ouch, please don’t do that to them)
Both of Moldova’s scores will be pretty good, but far from the best they’ve ever done. I think this’ll, coincidentally, do about as well as Mr. Parfeni’s last entry did (which came 11th). More likely worse than better.
And.....that’s it! I-I’m so excited.......I-I’m usually this way the day before the final anyway, but....h-having two songs I love being the potential winners just makes that excitement worse! Th-this voting sequence is gonna be insane.......I mean, like usual, pfffff........
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mikauzoran · 2 years
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Look! I Made Art! - Mikau’s First Watercolor (in Fifteen Years)
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Guys! Look what I did! It’s a watercolor painting of clouds, mountains, trees, and a pond.
So, last night I was asking my mum if we had any of those pink erasers, so we got out her school supply box to dig through it. In addition to the erasers, we found a cheap, old brush and some little kids’ watercolor paints (pictured below) that were probably ten to fifteen years old.
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Honestly, I was still a little intimidated even by the cheap tubes of watercolor paint that I bought on Sunday, so when I saw the little kids’ set of watercolors and the cheap brush, I thought, “Absolutely perfect. This is exactly what I need to start with. Completely nonthreatening. I used to use these as a kid. How hard could it be?”
I grabbed some printer paper and an old clipboard and sat outside and painted the picture at the top. Guys, I am so pleased with it! At first I was a little scared of messing up because I didn’t know what the colors would look like or how the brush would work or what proportion water to paint I needed, but then I just said “screw it” and had fun with it.
I learned a lot from doing this too. I only had two blues and two greens, so I had to do some mixing and blending to get different shades. I experimented with brushstrokes to form the trees and mountains, and that was really interesting. 
There was no brown paint (what you think you see as brown up there is actually maroon, and it looks super purple on paper), so after the maroon color didn’t work, I laid down some orange and some blue (and held my breath). I’m really happy with how it turned out.
In the future, I’ll need to work on locating a light source and making sure that it stays consistent. I need to work on perspective too. The pond is a little... But this was a nice first experiment with the materials to figure out how it all worked.
I’m especially proud of the mountains because they were originally a train wreck, but I was able to fix them so that they looked better. When I was thirteen/fourteen, I met an artist who drew a picture of a lighthouse and some mountains and a forest and a boat for me, and I used to copy that drawing over and over again in colored pencil. As I was doing the mountains in the painting above, I was kind of remembering how I used to do mountains and trying to copy that. (See below picture from fourteen-year-old Mikau’s sketchbook. Ignore my ugly brown carpet. It’s older than I am.)
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So, I was trying to make mountains like in the picture above, but it was horrendous. I had a moment of, “Oh, no. I ruined it” before I decided to try lifting some of the paint back off the paper with a clean, wet brush. The ugly, craggy lines went away, and I was able to blend the color so that it looked like a smooth wash.
So, yeah. I learned a lot about materials and technique from doing this study, and it was a lot of fun. As a bonus, here’s another fourteen-year-old Mikau drawing of the lighthouse, boat, forest, and mountains. If you look just right of center between the two mountains, you’ll see that fourteen-year-old Mikau has drawn Banjo and Kazooie (from the video game of the same name) midflight because fourteen-year-old Mikau was such a dork, and I love her. XD
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britswriting · 2 years
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Unbroken (25)
Unbroken Masterlist
Read on Wattpad
Disclaimer: I mention Leighton eating Deli meat, which is technically a pregnancy no no. You'll see later, it gets touched on, just wanted to beat you guys to the comments.
I am aware you're not supposed to consume deli meat when pregnant, but that doesn't mean Leighton is. She does find out though, and I touch on why it is something you're supposed to avoid.
*Leighton's POV*
It was a couple days before my birthday trip back home, when I got the devastating message that my brother couldn't make the trip, due to being drafted.
The thought of my brother going BACK into the Army terrified me.
Logan was my best friend, and I didn't want him to go back, but I knew it was something he loved. He loved fighting for our country, and who was I to stop him?
As much as it scared me, I was extremely proud of him.
Late at night I would think about all the things that could go wrong, or him missing out on my pregnancy, or even the birth of my baby and get upset, but I had to remind myself that he truly loved this, and that my fears can't hold him back.
Today was exciting though, because I was going to meet their new puppy.
Cynthia refused to send me pictures till I came over, which I thought was stupid, but I guess it worked.
I somehow managed to con Colby into coming with me, and I made him drive so maybe it was a win, win situation.
Colby was bored alone at the house, asked where I was going and the second I said "to meet a puppy" he was putting his shoes on.
When we arrived at my brother and sister in law's house, I could hardly contain my excitement.
I knocked on the front door, resisting the urge to burst through the door, impatiently waiting for them to answer.
Cynthia opened the front door, and my eyes immediately landed on the puppy.
"Oh my god she's so small!" I squealed, watching Logan play tug of war with the puppy.
"Leighton, this is Nova" Logan grinned at me, knowing how excited I was.
"OH MY GOD!" I yelled. "Colby, can we get one?" I begged, snatching the tug rope to play with her.
"Maybe in the new house" He chuckled, sitting down on the floor next to me.
That was another thing sprung onto me the past few days.
The day after my date with Silas, I walked down the stairs and Sam and Colby sat me down, and told me they decided they were going to move, and that I needed to figure out if I was staying or coming with them.
Apparently they found a big house somewhere and were moving in July. Some of their old roommates were moving back in which made me nervous.
I was nervous to have a repeat situation like I have had with Colby.
I was also nervous that I would no longer be able to afford rent, but they said nothing would change since more people were moving in, but I was pretty sure they were just saying that since I was already struggling to pay rent as it was...
I also wasn't expecting him to actually say we could possibly get a puppy. I knew their old roommates had dogs, but I never in a million years would've thought they'd want to get one on their own.
"I can't believe my big bro got a puppy!" I pouted, watching Nova run around and bark at Logan for ignoring her.
"She's already a bossy girl! We love to see it, don't we Nova" I cooed and Logan rolled his eyes.
"My life is filled with bossy girls" He teased and I smirked at him, knowing it was true.
"You know, my last quiet moment was when I was 4. Right before Leighton was born. Ever since then, I haven't had peace and quiet for longer than 5 minutes" Logan told Colby who laughed, throwing a ball for Nova.
"I just made your life more interesting" I grinned, turning the conversation back around so it was beneficial on my part.
"You definitely are good at making people's lives more interesting.'' Colby mumbled to himself and I didn't know how to take that, so I just moved on.
"I can't wait to puppysit! Ahh I'm so excited!!" I squealed, feeling dopamine rush through my veins.
"Good, you can help me watch this little monster whilst Logan is gone" Cynthia laughed and I frowned, forgetting that part.
"Where is he going?" Colby asked, unaware.
"I used to do some time with the army when I was back in my early 20s, late teens, and I was called to be drafted a while back. So I get to go in and get my mental and psychical health examined and such over Leightons birthday" He informed Colby, myself still pouting like a child who didn't get her way.
I personally thought it was unfair that the universe was stealing my big brother over my birthday.
"Damn dude. Is this an I'm sorry situation or congratulations situation?" Colby asked and Logan chuckled.
"It's an I'm sorry to Leigh, and congrats to me. I loved serving the country and working for the military. Thankfully I haven't become an army jerk or anything. I try really hard to leave work at work and not let it mess with my personal life emotionally. Leighton was uh, pretty devastated finding out, and I don't think she'll forgive me for it being over her birthday" Logan looked over at me, raising an eyebrow.
"I don't mean to be a party pooper! It just fucking sucks! Can we stop talking about it? I don't want to cry right now" I sighed, focusing back on the puppy in front of me.
"I wish Nova could meet Ginger's dogs. Did you hear Melissa got a rescue Rotty?" Logan asked and I shoved Colby over for trying to steal Nova from me.
"She did? Is she still dating Lincoln?" I questioned, forgetting Colby didn't understand any of our gossip.
Logan nodded, rolling Nova onto her back as he carefully rough housed with the new puppy.
"Who's Melissa?" Colby asked, leaning back on the palms of his hands.
"She's Casey's sister. My Aunt Ginger's daughter" I told him, turning back to Logan.
"Casey is going to show Sam and Colby around Waverly next year" I told Logan, knowing he has been before.
"She said you had to come with us!" Colby chimed in and I glared at him, wanting to forget that detail.
"That's right! You guys do the haunted exploration videos!" Logan's eyes widened in realization. "Casey loves that place. Can barely tear her away from it. You should have fun there, especially with her as your tour guide. I'm assuming because you're now a family friend, you'll get the special treatment. Also, good luck if you have to bring Leigh. She thinks the haunted is bullshit and she gets freaked out easily" Logan smirked at Colby, who looked confused.
I shrugged, grabbing a squeaky toy, wanting the puppy's  attention back from Logan.
"What do you mean special treatment?" He asked.
"I went to visit Casey a couple years ago, and got her tour. She has some special spots she only lets certain people go. I'd be surprised if she didn't bring you guys" Logan told Colby and I swear I saw Colby's eyes light up like a child on Christmas morning.
I could practically hear his inner thoughts right now.
Content.
Logan and Colby talked for a while about the tour and Logan's experiences, myself tuning them out whilst I played with the puppy.
"You know Colby, there is a plane ticket now" My brother spoke up, startling me.
Huh?
"To what?" Colby asked, just as confused as I was.
"The trip home with Leighton" Logan said so nonchalantly, acting like he didn't know what he was doing.
"I don't want to intrude on her family time. Aren't you going for your birthday?" Colby asked and I nodded, pretending not to give a single care about their conversation, when I in fact was intently listening "Why don't you ask Aaliyah?" He asked and I sighed. "Aaliyah is going to some family thing with River"
"Have you been to Minnesota before?" Logan asked and Colby nodded, typing on his phone before turning it back off and setting it down in front of him.
"We went on tour, and we went somewhere with our old friends. But I've never like, chilled there. We were always there for like 12 hours and left" He explained and Logan smirked again.
I could tell he was plotting. The shit eating grinning giving away his master plans.
"Leigh, you should totally bring him! It would be fun, plus our family loves when we bring new people home" Logan gave me a knowing look, and if looks could kill, he'd be lucky to even make it to his exam.
The last person any of us brought home was Cynthia, and I swear she's never wanted to run faster.
"We both know they're going to ask if we are dating" I raised an eyebrow, not wanting to constantly be asked if Colby was my boyfriend.
I got enough teasing from Colby's friends already, I didn't need it from my family too.
"Just say he's a stray you found on the street. They love rescues" Logan joked and Colby snickered.
"Ha ha, you're hilarious!" I grumbled. "How is that going to look? I bring a guy to my home state where a shit load of my family is? Even if I say we aren't dating, they'll think I'm lying" I grumbled, petting Nova's ears.
"Then let them" Logan shrugged like it was no big deal. "If you're really concerned about it, I'd put more money on them being focused on the fact that you're pregnant, than you bringing a boy home." Logan gave me an "I told you so" look and I threw a dog toy at his head. "Hey! You know it's true!"
"Sam is leaving with Kat for Hawaii on the ninth. Their anniversary is the 11th of June. I should stay back and keep watch of the house" Colby informed, probably feeling extremely awkward.
"Colby, if you really want to come, you can come. I don't want you to be disappointed that you're alone" I gave in and he gave me a weird look.
"I never said I wanted to go?"
Before I could say anything, Cynthia told us lunch was ready.
It was nice to hang out with my brother and his wife, even if Logan kept trying to have me kidnap Colby across the country.
I honestly wasn't even sure why Logan wanted me to drag Colby back home.
That evening I had gotten home and was texting Silas, talking about how each other's days were going, when Colby walked into the kitchen from the laundry room, surprising me with his question. "Do you really care if I come with you?"
"To where? Minnesota?" I asked and he nodded. "Why would you want to go? I'm visiting family" I was very confused as to why he was considering it. He's never taken interest in hanging out before, so why would he want to go on a week trip with me across the country to hang out with my family? Wouldn't he feel awkward?
"Your brother talked me into it. It seems fun, plus if your relatives are anything like you, it should be a blast" He complimented, surprising me even more.
"You think I'm fun?" I asked, feeling extremely confused at his sudden mood change towards me.
Didn't he hate my guts like last week or something?
"Leighton, you're not that bad. I'm working on letting go of the grudge of you lying to me. I talked out my issues with Sam, we really should just move on. Let that truce take effect. You know, even when you're bitchy, you're still fun. I'm sorry pregnancy has been hard on you lately, but I'm glad you are still trying to make an effort with us" He said and I cocked my eyebrow. Even when I'm bitchy? "Plus, we keep saying we need to hang out more, so what better time to hang out, than going to see your family? You could show me your favorite spots?" He suggested and I smiled softly.
"You want to meet my family?" I asked and he nodded, placing his hands on the countertop.
"I love adventures, and it sounds like a lot more fun than hanging out in my room whilst everyone is gone" He shrugged.
"No one's wanted to do that before" I whispered to myself, feeling a strange emotion wash over my nervous system.
"Hm?" He hummed and I sighed, not intending him to hear that.
"No one's ever wanted to hang out with my family and I. Gabe was always focused on his friend Chase, and his mom. He was more focused on himself, then anything with me. I think that's 'cause he didn't want to be around me when I was high" I shrugged, feeling slightly guilty.
"That's dumb" Colby said bluntly, opening the freezer. "Do you want pizza?" He asked and I shook my head. "I'll vomit. You know what sounds good?" I asked and he hummed in response.
"Ham, cream cheese and pickles" I said and he turned around quickly, his face contorting to a look of disgust. "What?" I asked and he shook his head at me, telling me no. "Please?" I asked and he sighed, shutting the freezer.
"We don't have pickles or cream cheese. Why is pickles a pregnant person's favorite thing?" Colby asked, making me laugh.
"It's not because I'm pregnant weirdo! I loved that before I was pregnant! It's a common snack! My parents used to make it all the time! Please can we go to the store and will you try it?" I asked and after a couple minutes, he caved in and we drove to the grocery store.
~
"Please try it!" I begged, handing him a plate with a small piece of Ham, cream cheese and a small dill pickle.
"That looks disgusting. I honestly might throw up" He shook his head and I rolled my eyes.
"Please?" I asked again and he sighed, contemplating it.
"I really hate pickles. I don't think this will be good" He said and I smiled when I watched him pick it up, inspecting it a little bit.
He popped it into his mouth, chewing slowly as his face contorted and he spit it out into his hand, throwing it away.
"That was nasty!" He gagged, reaching for his bottle of water.
"You're being dramatic!" I declared, eating the snack with no problem.
"If you liked pickles, I can see why you'd like it, but I hate them. You can have those" Colby said, snatching a piece of ham out of the container.
"Finally, a snack you won't steal!" I teased, and he shook his head, walking away.
I was texting Silas when I heard the alarm say "front door opened" letting us know someone was home.
I heard Sam ask Colby if the washer was empty, and I tuned out their conversation, making more of my snack.
I was just about to head upstairs with my plate of food when I heard Colby ask Sam "Do you think it's weird if I go on the trip with Leighton back to Minnesota?" making my ears perk up, stopping me in my tracks.
"What do you mean?" He asked and I could hear Colby sigh.
I sat down on the stairs, eating my ham wrapped pickles as I eavesdropped.
Colby explained the situation to Sam, and I held my breath as I waited for Sam's reply.
"Why would you want to go with her to see her family?" Sam asked and I sighed, feeling like we were going in circles.
"It seems like it would be fun. I love meeting new people, exploring new places, and Leighton's immediate family is fun. It seems more fun than hanging around the house whilst you're in my favorite place on earth" I heard Colby explain and Sam laughed.
"Sorry man, I didn't think Kat would like it if I brought you with us on our anniversary" Sam joked. "How does Leighton feel about you going with?" I heard Sam ask but I didn't hear Colby reply.
"Maybe make sure she actually is fine with you going. It is a little weird to be honest, but I could see how it could be fun" I heard Sam reply, so I figured Colby either spoke with his body language or replied softly.
I walked up to my bedroom and was eating my snack when something dawned on me.
I quickly googled "Food pregnant women can't eat" hoping to God I didn't just fuck up.
I clicked the first article, my eyes scanning the list.
Oh shit
I then typed in google "Why can't pregnant women eat deli meat" and I felt my heart race as I read the reply.
"Cured/fermented meats like Parma ham and salami are uncooked and could contain parasites that may cause toxoplasmosis, leading to miscarriage, stillbirth or birth defects. If you want to eat these foods, check on the label to see if they need to be cooked."
Miscarriage? Stillbirth? Birth defects?
I felt myself start to cry as I shoved the plate away, Gabe's words echoing in my head.
You're going to kill our baby.
I quickly typed into google "What happens if you accidently eat ham whilst pregnant" but my vision was too blurred to read the screen, causing me to chuck my phone across the room, hearing it clatter to the floor.
FUCK!
I heard a knock at my door and I sighed, wiping at my eyes to answer it.
"Hey Leigh, can we tal- what's wrong?" Colby asked and I shook my head, grabbing my plate and pushing past him. I walked downstairs, throwing the food away. "Hey, what happened?" Colby asked, and I turned my back to him.
I was pretty confident mascara was running down my face right now, and I didn't really want him to see that.
"Leighton, what's wrong?" He asked again and I shook my head, walking back upstairs with my head down.
"LEAVE ME ALONE!" I yelled
"Leigh!" He yelled back and I could hear his loud footsteps climbing the flight of stairs.
Before I could shut my bedroom door, Colby was standing in the doorway and I just fell to the floor, sobbing.
"What's wrong? Are you hurt?" He asked quickly and I shook my head, covering my face in my hands.
"Do you need to go to the hospital?" He asked and I shrugged, which didn't help.
"Can you please tell me what's wrong?" He spoke in pure panic, and I took a deep breath, trying to control my breathing so I could talk.
"Can you hand me my phone please?" I asked, wiping at my nose and he nodded, picking it up off the floor.
I read the google answer for what happens when you accidently eat ham,
"You don't need to panic if you are pregnant and have been eating deli meats. The probabilities are in your favor that nothing has happened. When it comes to deli meats it is important you know that the likelihood of being exposed to Listeria is low."
I took a deep breath and turned off my phone, glancing up towards Colby who looked concerned.
"I'm okay" I whispered and he sat down in front of me.
Colby's face was full of concern when he asked what happened and I sighed, rubbing some of the dark makeup off of my under eyes as I explained, and before I knew it, I was being pulled into a hug.
"Do you want to go to the hospital?" He asked and I shook my head, pulling away from the hug.
"Being pregnant sucks. You crave all these things you can't eat" I frowned, hating that the fucking ham and pickle things still sound good.
"I'm sorry Leigh, is there anything else you want? We could go get that instead?" he suggested but I shook my head, thanking him for his offer.
It was quiet for a moment, and the next words to leave my mouth surprised us both.
"You can come on the trip" I spoke softly, brushing my hair out of my face.
"Do you really want me to? I can stay here and watch the house?" He asked and I shook my head.
"No, it will be fun. My family will love you" I smiled softly, feeling slight butterflies in my stomach at the idea of bringing him home.
Gabe only came home with me twice in our four years of being together, so the concept of Colby wanting to come, even when we were just friends, made me feel extremely nervous yet excited.
~
The whole way to the airport was stressful, but I've never felt happier than when the airplane landed.
"Are you ready to explore my home turf Colby?!" I asked as we stepped off the airplane.
"It's going to be fun Colby" Cynthia matched my excitement as we headed towards baggage claim.
"It's honestly quite weird to be traveling without Sam" Colby confessed, following us to get our bags.
"I bet. You guys are always attached at the hip" I teased and he rolled his eyes, knowing it was true but not wanting to admit it.
"I can't wait to see my babies!" I squealed, grabbing my suitcase and pulling the bar up, so it would drag behind me.
"Um, Leigh, we don't want to meet your baby yet" Cynthia said and I glared at her.
"I MEANT MY ROTTIES! I've missed them so much!" I spoke in a high pitch tone, pure joy written all over my face.
"I wish we could've brought Nova" Cynthia sighed and I nodded, wishing we could've brought the puppy to meet the other rottweilers.
"She would've had fun. She's at basic training though, so I'm sure she's having a blast!" I reassured her.
~
"LEIGHTON! YOU LOOK STUNNING HONEY!" My aunt grinned, pulling me into a hug. "Your bump is so cute! I can't believe you're pregnant!"
"Thank you! Colby, this is my Aunt Ginger, Aunt Ginger, this is my roommate Colby" I introduced.
"I'm glad to have you here Colby! A little birdie told me that you've never explored the real side of Minnesota!" She grinned at me.
"I'm so excited! Ah it feels good to be home!" I expressed and Colby smiled at us.
We drove about half an hour from Minneapolis to Prior Lake, and once we pulled up the driveway you could just feel the energy in the car of how excited everyone was to not only be together, but to be here.
I could feel it in my soul that this was going to be a good trip.
I hopped out of the car and we were straight away met with a very excited dog.
"Dakota!" I cheered, opening my arms up for the excited pup.
"Colby, this is my sweet girl Dakota! She's still quite young. She's about two or three years old. My precious little baby. Say "I look so big, bad, and tough, but I'm just a sweet little baby" I spoke in a baby voice, kissing the side of the dog's head.
"Hey puppy" Colby stroked the top of the dog's head, smiling at how cute she looked.
"Leigh, bring your stuff in. Captains waiting for you on the porch" Aunt Ginger told me and I looked up to see the very intense looking rottweiler lounging on the porch.
"You look nervous Colby" I laughed and he rolled his eyes.
"I'm not nervous" He argued and I shook my head smiling.
"Of course not" I teased.
Captain started barking really loud and I saw Colby jump, making me cackle.
You're totally not nervous!" I mocked. "They won't bite. They're the biggest babies ever, isn't that right Captain" I cooed, kissing the top of the other dog's head.
"There are my kids!" A males voice called out and I could feel my grin getting bigger, running off towards a room around the corner.
"We brought home a guest!" I told my uncle, excited to have them meet.
It was honestly so much fun bringing someone home.
It never felt like this with Gabe, but then again, Gabe was never excited to come.
"Colby, this is my Uncle Garret, Uncle Garret, this is Colby, my roommate. Colby, this is Casey's parents. Colby and Sam are going to meet up with Casey next year to tour Waverly" I told him, but before he could reply, I heard more pitter patter hitting the floor making my face light up. "Oh my god BENTLEY!" I yelled, a third rottweiler running inside from the backyard.
"What, do you guys run a rottweiler farm?" Colby joked and Uncle Garret chuckled.
"Bentley is my daughter's dog" He informed Colby and I nodded, greeting my cousin's new dog.
When Logan had told me Melissa had gotten a new dog, I texted her immediately asking for photos, so I was extremely excited to finally meet him.
"I swear there are no more rottweilers coming into our house!" Aunt Ginger reassured him, making all of us laugh.
My aunt showed Colby around the house as Cynthia took our stuff to our rooms, myself too focused on the puppies to care.
"I can't believe my baby girl is pregnant" Uncle Garret spoke in a dramatic tone making me roll my eyes.
Uncle Garret was like a second father to me.  When I was kicked out, I had the option to come home and live with them, but I couldn't afford it, which was why I went to Gabriel's grandfather's house.
Uncle Garret and Aunt Ginger were always there for me, no matter what, and there was no way in hell I could ever repay them. I'd be in debt to my dad's sister's family till the day I died.
"Is it Gabe's or is it that boy's baby?" He asked and I glared.
"What kind of question is that?" I asked and he gave me a knowing look.
"A valid one"
I scoffed, shaking my head at the thought of him thinking I'd get pregnant by some random guy I barely knew.
"Colby is my roommate, and he was going to be home alone so Logan said he should tag along since we already bought the ticket. The baby is Gabriel's, not Colby. Before you even ask the dating question, Colby and I are just friends" I spoke clearly, trying to nip it in the bud before he could get another word out, questioning why I brought a boy home.
~
"Colby, what are you doing?" I laughed, walking into the living room where I saw Colby taking photos of the dogs looking out the window.
"I want a sick photo!" He defended himself, getting up and showing me the photo he had just taken.
"I'm kidnapping them back to LA. My sweet boy Mr. Captain is the real reason I came home" I kissed the top of his head, messing with his ears.
"You seem really happy Leigh" Colby noted and I nodded, a small smile finding it's way upon my face.
"I miss home all the time. I never wanted to move to California, but I was twelve so I didn't get a say. I have a lot of good memories here. I come back at least once a year, my parents usually buy my plane ticket and I come visit. LA isn't my home" I shrugged, snuggling against Captain.
"Why don't you move back?" He asked and I sighed, laying down on the floor next to the couch.
"It's not that easy. I would if I could, but with my mom having cancer and recently having brain surgery, I want to be close to her. Last thing I want is my mom to die and I'm across the country"
"You can't let her hold you back Leighton" Colby spoke with determination and I shook my head.
"She's not holding me back. I love my family, I'm just happier somewhere else. Why are you pushing me to move home? If I moved home, we would've never met" I pushed myself up off the floor, moving to a sitting position.
"That's true. It's still weird to see you pregnant. Like to see you flaunt your bump" He stared at my stomach and I laughed.
"How am I flaunting it? It's not even that big. Would you like me to grab a hoodie?" I asked and he shook his head, informing me he didn't mean anything bad by his wording. "I brought the doppler Sam bought me, if you want to listen to the heartbeat? I knew my aunt would, so I thought it would be a good idea to bring it" I told him and before he could reply, Dakota and Bentley were barking out the window making me sigh.
~
"Get your grubby fingers out of my cheese before I cut them off!" Uncle Garret smacked my fingers out of his freshly grated cheese, making me frown.
"How dare you deny a pregnant woman food!" I shouted, stealing some cheese and shoving it into my face.
"We're making you food!" He fought back and I pouted.
"Children knock it off! Are you guys working as a team or on your own for who can make the best pizza?" My aunt asked and I looked at Melissa, Cynthia, and Colby.
"As long as you're down to make me tacos, I'm fine with whatever"
"Let's work in teams and do a competition that way" Melissa suggested and everyone nodded in agreement.
Cynthia and Melissa were on a team, Colby and I were on a team and my Uncle was prepping the food for the pizza's whilst my aunt made my tacos.
I grabbed a bowl and whilst I was reading the instructions, I heard the sound system turn on.
I recognized the beat and found myself laughing.
The second the lyrics starter, I knew Colby was in for a long night.
"LOOK BABYGIRL YOU'RE SO DAMN FINE THOUGH!" Melissa and I yelled, surprising Colby.
"I'm tryna know if I could hit it from behind though" Melissa yelled, pointing at Colby's ass and I laughed really hard and I was surprised I didn't pee myself.
Colby turned around, looking extremely confused at the fake we all brought out into a shouting singing mess. "What the hell is happening?" Colby laughed, looking around.
"I'M SIPPING ON YOU LIKE SOME FINE WINE THOUGH AND WHEN IT'S OVER, I PRESS REWIND THOUGH!" Cynthia joined and Aunt Ginger shook her head, knowing there was no stopping us.
"Can I record this?" Colby asked, laughing and I nodded, laughing as Melissa grabbed flour and did the meme salt move into the bowl.
"BADDEST BITCH WITH DA FLOUR!" She declared, sprinkling it into the bowl.
"I'M LIKE YEAH SHE'S FINE WONDER WHEN SHE'LL BE MINE! SHE WALK PAST, I PRESS REWIND!" We all yelled and I watched Colby film us, Melissa and I dancing to the song.
Melissa did a bad attempt at a moon walk when the lyrics said "press rewind" making Colby laugh. "TO SEE THAT ASS ONE MORE TIME!" Melissa shook her ass and I cackled loudly, glad Uncle Garret had left the room to go fetch something for my aunt.
"ALL FAST MONEY NO SLOW BUCKS!" Uncle Garret yelled, coming back into the room to continue grating cheese like a mad man.
"How haven't you peed your pants yet?" Cynthia asked and I shrugged, not sure why my laughing hasn't made my bladder combust.
We all sang along, adding our ingredients into a bowl and I saw my Aunt Ginger dancing to the song with Captain, Captain looking extremely confused.
When the song ended, Colby asked what the hell just happened, making us all laugh.
"My Uncle Garret loves Fetty Wap. Even though it's inappropriate, we grew up with it" I told him, catching Dakota jumping on Melissa's back as she danced with her mom.
"We had dance parties all the time whilst cooking. When Cynthia experienced her first dance party with the Fox's, she was ready to go back to California" I joked, reminiscing on that time Logan had brought her home.
"The dynamic between your parents and your relatives is like night and day" He noted and my relatives agreed
"The main difference is my dad doesn't like us kids cursing, but he's just as weird as the rest of them!" I smiled, shaking my head as I reminisced on my childhood.
Colby was helping me combine the ingredients to make the pizza dough when I heard the next song load up. "HANDS, TOUCHING HANDS, REACHING OUT, TOUCHING ME, TOUCHING YOU!" We all yelled, holding our hands out to each other.
"SWEET CAROLINE BOM BOM BOM! GOOD TIMES NEVER SEEMED SO GOOD, SO GOOD, SO GOOD!" We yelled, throwing our hands up in the air, flour going everywhere.
"Colby, take the next verse!" I yelled and he looked startled, watching the outburst in front of him.
Was this not normal for him?
I thought he was the partier?
Cynthia ended up taking the next line, because Colby wasn't paying attention and Melissa and I were focusing on our bowl.
"Say hi to Logan" Cynthia said, showing she was recording.
We all said hello and I heard Uncle Garret say "Miss you boy!" before the video ended.
By the time we were moving on to the pasta sauce, Colby and Melissa were yelling "I WAS LIKE GOOD GRACIOUS ASS IS BODACIOUS UH FLIRTATIOUS TRYING TO SHOW FACES!" Making all of us laugh as they danced together.
I loved seeing him start to interact with my family. When we first arrived he seemed very, kept to himself? Nervous? But the more we all started interacting with each other, and having fun, I could see Colby start to joke around more.
I caught myself frequently comparing Colby to Gabriel. The difference between the two was night and day.
"IT'S GETTING HOT IN HERE, SO TAKE OFF ALL YOUR CLOTHES!" Melissa yelled as the oven beeped and I don't think I've laughed so hard as I have tonight.
I ended up running to the bathroom, not knowing Colby was filming on his phone as Aunt Ginger, which meant he caught me in the background sprinting like a mad man.
When I came back from the bathroom, Cynthia and Melissa were yelling "CHECKING YOUR REFLECTION AND TELLING YOUR BEST FRIEND LIKE GIRL I THINK MY BUTT GETTIN BIG" and yet again, pointed at Colby who oddly enough owned it and shook his ass at them before laughing as they screamed out in excitement.
"Do I have a fat ass or something?" Colby asked with a chuckle and before I knew it, he was shaking his ass at them and I don't think I've ever heard my family scream so loud.
Melissa was "making it rain" with invisible money as Colby did some weird twerking movement.
"Melissa and Colby are a handful together" Aunt Ginger chuckled.
"You guys would be a nightmare at the club" Cynthia added and I nodded, agreeing with them.
"You're all acting as if your parents aren't even right here" I laughed, motioning towards my aunt and uncle.
"This is nothing like when dad was drunk a few summers ago over the fourth of July!" Melissa laughed and I watched Colby walk over to my uncle and he asked "Can I be adopted?" and I heard my uncle laugh. "You're welcome anytime!" Uncle Garret reassured Colby and before I knew it, Melissa changed the song when Cynthia and I were checking the pizza dough.
Colby kept filming random things or taking photos halfway through making the pizza dough, claiming "I got to capture some memories!" When I think It was just him trying to get out of helping.
I watched Colby take a photo of Melissa sticking her tongue out next to the pizza sauce she was dripping on the dough.
When we started putting our pizza toppings on, I let Colby make the pizza however he wanted since I was having tacos.
"You're such a basic bitch? Just a pepperoni pizza?" I asked and he showed offense.
"What do you mean JUST pepperoni pizza? You're a pineapple on pizza person aren't you?" He asked and my lips formed a thin line, trying not to show.
Colby gagged and my jaw dropped.
"What?" I asked and he shook his head in disbelief.
"First pickles, now pineapples? You're not welcomed in the new house"
I gasped and smacked his arm.
"You know how we fucked up?" Cynthia asked, turning our attention towards her.
"Hm?"
"We didn't make stuffed crust! We literally made homemade pizza, and NONE of us made stuffed crust!" Cynthia motioned to the pizza's and we all gasped, including my Aunt.
"Is it too late?" Aunt Ginger asked, looking around desperately.
"To make it a stuffed crust? Don't we just need to line the crust with cheese and then fold it?" I asked, reaching for the grated cheese.
"We can try" Colby said, taking some cheese.
Colby and I worked on trying to make it a stuffed crust, bonding over how good stuffed crust is and how stupid is it that pizza places don't give you the option to do it.
"Colby if you don't know this song, I'm buying you a one way back to Cali" Melissa threatened as the song started and I bit my tongue so I didn't blurt out the lyrics, watching fear rise on Colby's facial features.
"I don't know!" He confessed and Melissa gasped.
"I'M LIKE FUCK YOU AND FUCK HER TOO, SAID IF I WAS RICHER I'D STILL BE WITH YA!" I yelled and danced with Melissa, surprising Colby, once again.
"Ha, now ain't that some shit? And although there's a pain in my chest, I still wish you the best with a fuck you!" Melissa sang with passion, using a wooden spoon as a fake microphone.
We were spreading pizza sauce on our dough when I watched Uncle Garret take the phone back from Melissa and before I knew it, Crazy Train by Ozzy Osbourne was playing.
"THIS ONE I KNOW!" Colby declared, making us laugh.
"God, you're so old!" Melissa grumbled and he narrowed his eyes at her.
"Sorry I don't listen to whoever the fuck that was, in my bedroom when I'm alone" He mocked and Melissa gasped again, holding her hand to her chest.
"HIS NAME IS CEELO GREEN DUMBASS! Leighton who the fuck did you bring home!?" Melissa yelled.
I shook my head, and handed the pasta sauce to Cynthia.
"Aunt Ginger was obsessed with Ozzy Osbourne, and somehow she married like the complete opposite of him" I laughed and Uncle Garret faked offense.
"I look just like Ozzy Osbourne!" Garret pointed his finger at me and I scoffed.
"In your dreams big guy" I patted the back of his shoulder with my hand.
"I really thought I'd be more obsessed with the dogs, but I think Colby is" I laughed, everyone looking over at Colby who was doing a photoshoot of Captain passed out on the kitchen floor
a/n: the tagged person is Logan, Leighton's brother.
~
We were all currently sitting in the living room, talking about old childhood memories, and Colby even joined in and shared some of his own as we waited for the pizza's to cook.
I had a plate of tacos in front of me as I sat on the floor next to the coffee table. I was mid taco bite when I saw a hand covered in rings in my peripheral vision, snatching one of my tiny tacos.
"Hey!" I yelled, lettuce falling out of my mouth and onto my lap. "Woo pave yo own!" I spoke with my mouth full, dropping my taco onto my plate to smack Colby.
I swallowed my food and turned around to see Colby smugly eating my taco.
"Sharing is caring!" He exclaimed and I scrunched my face up at him in disbelief.
"I can't even steal yours! I throw up at the smell of pizza" I frowned, already knowing I'm going to have to leave the room soon until the pizza is done cooking.
"You know that's extremely inconvenient for you" He chuckled and if looks could kill.
"IT'S NOT MY FAULT YOU HAVE PIZZA NIGHT EVERY WEEK AND MY BABY DESPISES IT! Get your grubby hands off my tacos! Your FULL SIZE PIZZA is in the oven!" I flicked the top of his hand with my fingers.
"OW!" he yelled, rubbing the top of his hand.
"Don't touch my food!" I gave him a look and picked my taco back up. "Joey doesn't share food!" I declared and he gave me a weird look which made my eyes widen. "YOU'VE NEVER SEEN FRIENDS?!"
"Nope" he shook his head and we all gasped.
"Well I know what we are doing before you leave" I muttered before finishing up my tacos and excused myself back to my guest bedroom.
I wrote in my baby journal for a little white, explaining how today was going, what it was like and how I was feeling, when I heard a knock on the door.
"Come in" I called and Cynthia walked in.
"Hey, pizza is done. Do you want to try it?" She asked and I shook my head, closing the white journal.
"You know, I'm glad Logan brought up you bringing Colby. It's been really fun" She smiled at me, and I nodded slowly.
"It has been fun. It's weird seeing him interact with my family" I said softly, leaning back against the fluffy pillows.
"Yeah? You seem to be having fun with him" her eyes had a gleam in them and I playfully rolled my eyes.
"What are you insinuating here?" I asked and she laughed.
"Nothing! I think it's nice you guys are finally getting along, that's all" She pursed her lips, trying to hold back a smile.
It was quiet for a moment until she spoke again.
"Can we use the doppler now? I want to hear that heartbeat" She asked and I nodded, grabbing my backpack.
"Do you want to do it here, or out there with everyone else?" I asked, taking out the tiny machine.
"The selfish side of me says let's do it here" She smiled, sitting down on the bed.
I laughed and laid down, lifting my shirt up and pulling my pants down a little bit.
"Can you squeeze a little gel on my stomach?" I asked, handing her the tiny tube.
I turned on the machine and moved the gel around with the wand, searching for the magical sound that was my baby's heartbeat.
The biggest smile came across my face as I heard the wooshing sound.
"149, just like last time" I grinned, holding the screen above my face so I could watch it.
"When is your next appointment?" She asked and I sighed, not wanting to think about the needle going in my stomach.
When I return home from this trip. It's my 16 week appointment and I have to do the scary needle in the belly test"
Cynthia was about to reply when the bedroom opened and Melissa waltzed in, gasping. "You're doing it without me?!"
I decided not to play into her dramatics and just patted the bed.
Before I knew it, everyone had found their way into my room, including Captain, which made me laugh, but then I cried because he placed his head on my thigh with his nose resting against my stomach, and I sobbed like a baby over it for a good 2 minutes.
Everyone eventually left and Colby brought me a wet paper towel to wipe the gel off my stomach.
I snuggled with Captain in my bed, and asked Colby to take a photo and send it to me, but when he asked if he could post it to his story, I was caught by surprise.
"I mean, if you want to, sure" I mumbled, not really caring since I didn't have social media to be attacked on.
"I'm posting a poll to see if we should kidnap Captain" He laughed and I grinned against the puppy, kissing the back of his head.
a/n: I covered the original person's face, just to not add their identity into this random ass book, but Colby wouldn't have actually covered her face.
Captain was by far my little snuggle bug. Dakota was still in her extremely playful puppy phase, and didn't want to sit still for too long, so I definitely vibed with Captain more.
I was honestly glad Bentley was here to play with Dakota so Captain and I could be left alone from the playful puppy.
"I still can't believe someone I know is having a baby" He said softly, almost like he was talking out loud to himself.
"I can't believe I'm having a baby" I joked, tugging my shirt back down. "Speaking of, I know this is a big ask, and you can say no, but do you want to come with me on the 19th to my OBGYN appointment? I have to have an amniocentesis done" I asked and he gave me a weird look.
"What the fuck is that?" Colby asked and I sighed, hating the idea of it.
"They stick a needle in your stomach and test for birth defects and down syndrome etcetera" I explained and he grimaced.
"God no, I don't want to be there for that. I'm pretty sure I'll throw up" He gagged and I laughed, agreeing.
"You don't have to watch. I don't even want to be there for it, but I have to be. I googled how long it takes, the procedure is 10 minutes, but they might make me wait around to see if I have any bleeding. I don't know. I read some horror stories about it, and I'm terrified so that's fun. You really don't have to go, I'll be fine. Just thought I'd offer since it would be my first OBGYN appointment since you found out" I shrugged, wanting him to at least feel included this time.
"I mean, I could wait around with you, but I don't want to watch that" His face scrunched up and I nodded.
"Well we got some time to think about it. Let me know, I need to go pee though, so if you'll excuse me" I shimmied past him.
"Goodnight Leighton!" Colby called out and I smiled to myself.
"Goodnight Colby"
* * * *
Written on: February 14th, 16th, 17th 2022
Word Count: 7.9k
Part Twenty Six
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drakinq · 10 months
Text
The Room Day 1 071023
1:07AM
I wish I would have gotten some reflection before going into it but I actually didn’t get the chance because things moved so fast I didn’t prepare properly. I’m up this late and am forcing myself to journal and stretch so I can start the day properly. Even if it’s not at 6AM. But the goal is to still get a full day of experiences tomorrow. Like I said, I’m forcing myself to stay up to get shit done. I need to record more and take more photos, things are moving so fast but I want to slow things down. I think I can do that by actually starting stopping to smell the roses.
But to reflect on today… the morning started rough so that means I need to plan better. I was all over the place and didn’t get the workout the way I wanted. But I made the most of it, prayed to God about it and got my mentality right. I actually can’t wait to pray tonight. I haven’t asked God at all to help me with the things I fear.
I made it back to the studio just in time for KO to take an hour with us and talk. Most people were self doubting and in their feelings. I think I’m past that an ready to just train. I spoke with a lot conviction. I was sure of myself and goals and what I want to do with dance. But I was honest about what I need to address and starting at the very again by being establishing what kind of student I want to be. The first class was a struggle. But I processed it as best I could and I think if I can go into class prepared with my notes and intentions and just a little time to ground myself before hand, I’ll show up a lot better. The class was taught by Jerad Jenkins who is a fucking diligent ass student and teacher.
I didn’t really want to take Ray Basa’s house but I’m glad I did. I actually really love doing drills, I love moving the whole time and just drowning in a drill. I had so much fun in that class and it was just the start, I was so ready to take Kolanie round two of Bryson Tiller. I’m so proud of the way I tapped in to fix what I needed to fix and really find a creative unique way to go about the dance. KO dapped me up and gave me some notes. I think he’s growing to like me and I just want to be worth his investment. But he did watch and help with what I was struggling with. I think he needs to see more before he really can see where I’m trying to take dance or even where I can.
I just finished a freestyle session with some of the roommates and it was so fucking awesome. We smoked before hand and just vibed off each other when we got into the studio. I’m so happy this is just day one. That’s what I mean by I want to slow it down and start recording more and taking pictures. I’m happy that I’m still taking care of myself and doing what I need to do for me, but not isolating myself no still experiencing others. I think some of my best free styling came out tonight. I am absolutely shocked that I haven’t scared to put myself out there and drown or shine. I think sometimes I’m scared of both, more so shining than actually drowning.
I’m hopeful for tomorrow. I’m ready to rest my energy. I’m glad I forced myself to journal before I went to sleep.
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je-suis-un-fardeau · 11 months
Text
.
fuck trying not to be angry. i’m allowed to be angry. you don’t get to sit there and act like i’m being unreasonable for not wanting you to hang out with someone who scares you so much that you keep me on the phone when they come over. you don’t get to act like i’m being unreasonable for being both scared and pissed that you willingly got in a car with them. i’m allowed to be angry that you apparently have no sense of self preservation — demonstrated not only by this, but also by that little impulse trip you took to new york to meet a total fucking stranger after you already promised to come see me that weekend. i’m allowed to be mad about that too. that i’m so low on your list of priorities that you would rather spend one of our only free weekends with someone you’ve never fucking met. i’m allowed to be mad that you spent all of your energy being reckless, and then spending money you don’t have to do a hobby that stresses you out with people you don’t like, and had to cancel on me a second time. i’m allowed to be upset that i was already so on edge in the first place, because we’ve created a relationship where i don’t feel like i’m supposed to share negative things with you, because i’m the one taking care of you, so i end up shouldering both of our emotions in silence. i’m allowed to be upset that everything going on in my “real” life is driving me to feel suicidal again and all i wanted was to see you, and i planned an entire weekend around you twice, and thinking about seeing you was the only thing keeping me from completely losing it, and i was so stressed and so scared and in so much pain and i haven’t been sober in weeks because i can’t stand the way it feels, but all i wanted was to see you. i didn’t want to talk about it or burden you with it or make you feel bad for me… i just wanted to hold you. i would never be angry at you for being tired or for taking care of yourself. you know that. i know you do. but the reason why you were tired made me feel like absolute shit. like i didn’t matter to you anymore. and on top of everything else, i just couldn’t handle it. i split HARD and i needed to disengage before i said or did something i wouldn’t be able to forgive myself for. could i have i expressed this better than i did? yes. but i’m allowed to be angry at you telling me that it “left a bad taste in your mouth” and felt “hostile”, because that was the kindest option i had in that moment. i am trying SO hard not to let my bpd control this relationship, and it may not seem that way to you, but i am so fucking proud of myself for all the times i was tempted to be toxic or impulsive but i didn’t, and you were never the wiser. can you imagine being so proud of yourself for something and thinking you’re doing so good, comparatively speaking, and then the one person whose opinion you actually care about comes around and reduces you not to just any negative stereotype, but to the one you are most afraid of becoming. you then tell me that you need some space, because i’m just “extra tension” that you don’t want right now — once again prioritizing something you don’t even seem to enjoy over me. throwing me aside like i’m a toy you got bored of. i’m allowed to be angry about that too. and i’m sure as hell allowed to be angry about what i saw when i went to check up on you today. it’s funny really. i was just thinking earlier about how i was going to draw this boundary without making it seem like ultimatum… “if **** is in the picture again, then i can’t be.” because this would only become a vicious cycle that wouldn’t benefit anyone. imagine my surprise, though, when i see who you’re talking to on twitter. i’m probably going to deactivate mine now because i do not feel comfortable, or quite frankly safe, having them in that space. it feels violating. i cannot even begin to express how… desperate? anguished? terrified? i am right now, and the part that makes me the saddest is the fact that i’m not sure if this is even affecting you at all.
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keefwho · 1 year
Text
May 20 - 2023
8:14 AM
I haven’t been writing here because I haven’t felt the need. I got tired of re-hashing the same thoughts and feelings over and over. Instead of writing about the same thing again, I chose not to write at all and act on things instead. Sometimes I feel talking about what I’m going to do about certain things stop me from actually doing what I said. I do regret not writing about how my days went, that will always be new and relevant. I will try harder with that in the future. 
I guess I can write about yesterday for now. I took yesterday off so I could take a gummy 2 days before, which went well. In the morning I woke up with the intent to play Zelda which I did for a little bit but then I wanted to finish a drawing that was almost done. Then I did a little more Zelda and took my shower. In the middle of cooking lunch my power went out for about 30 minutes. Luckily I did not get very scared, I was proud to see how prepared I was for it. It feels like I’ve mostly dismantled the kinds of thought processes that would result in extreme anxiety in a situation like that. I just didn’t feel the need to worry, I wasn’t getting stuck in my own head about it. It came back on quickly and I did some more drawing so I could finish a second picture. I had drawn TWO naughty pics of me and the bestie, partly because they were both so close to being finished already. I always worry how sexual I can make myself seem even though drawings like that are often not horny-driven or anything like that. I think it is known that I am not going degen mode just because I do a drawing or two for future reference. After that drawing, it was TOTK with Daisy all evening. We did a TON. We knocked out all the geoglyph locations and a little bit of shrine/tower hunting. Got to bed a little late but it wasn’t too bad. Definitely worth the time spent with my friend. 
I tend to try not to name drop here but I want to get over that. I guess I limited myself because it is a public journal and it felt appropriate to make everything anonymous but I can’t think of a good reason why it’s actually a good idea. It’s not like I’m shit talking people either, I wouldn’t write anything here about someone that I wouldn’t say directly to them. From now on I’d rather let my connections shine through as an obvious part of my life because they are. 
12:12 AM
Today was pretty good. I remember waking up and playing Zelda, it was a chill morning. I also worked on an avatar and ended up finishing the whole thing today despite feeling like I wasn’t in the right mindset for it. I got sidetracked a lot. Then there was more Zelda and afterwards a lackluster nut in the shower but boy did my body need it. I hung out in my new friend’s discord server for a little bit. This evening was a lot of drinking and a happy little VRchat crossover episode with world hopping. I remember midday I felt pretty lonely, about the time I had been streaming Spyro. But that was all me and I knew it. It was the kind of “I have people to hang out with but I’m still lonely” kind of thing. I got over it after getting in VR. Now I’m getting to be a tiny bit late which is impressive on a drinking night like tonight. I have both my forks dirty but they need to soak so I can’t wash them until morning, and also have nothing to soak them in. I’m feeling really mushy and as much as I like to use words to get that out, I prefer to channel everything I’m feeling into projects. Projects I wish I could talk about but I know it would be best to just do them. So I will. 
I feel like a plane that was stalling but is finally getting back under control. In a grand way. 
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