#why do i struggle so badly with writing smut but i can write plot for days

[propertyoftoru]

Something in the Air | L.F

wc: 4.5k

pairing: Lee Felix X Fem!Reader

warnings: smut MDNI, sex pollen AU, felix goes to a witchy apothecary and finds himself in a predicament, Switch!Felix, Switch!Reader, Felix has somewhat of a dom drop, thigh slapping, lots of teasing, felix is kind of a pervert, creampie/mentions of breeding, unprotected sex, tiny bit of choking, dumbification, lots of praise (giving and receiving), just pure filth (i’m sure i missed some stuff)

A/N: This is not proofread. I was so fuckin tired but i really wanted to finish this so i hope you enjoy :>

Lee Felix is a fucking idiot. At Least that's what he repeatedly tells himself as he paces around his apartment. A frustrated groan falling from his lips as he made another lap around his couch, tugging on the ends of his hair painfully. 

He should have known better really, not to trust that shady shop in some desolate corner of town. But he really wanted to get you something special for your birthday and you had a penchant for the more peculiar things. So he asked around and a friend of a friend told him about this witchy apothecary, known for its jewelry and other trinkets. He was so sure he would find something there that would suit you, so when the woman who ran the shop left him unattended while she ran out back he didn't think twice before looking around. He wandered against his better judgment and ended up in some back room that he most definitely should not have entered in hindsight. 

The walls were lined with bookshelves overflowing with hundreds of books, some barely holding together by their bindings and others seemingly brand new. His eyes then fell to the glass cases holding items that he wasn't quite able to identify. Finally he spotted it, certainly out of the ordinary, the leaves being a strange purple color with red veins. But the flowers are what caught his eye, the delicate white with swirls of lilac and pink. He was certain you would adore them, despite not really being a flower person he knew you would appreciate their peculiarness. He had to be sure they smelled as pretty as they looked before he bothered asking the kind woman how much they cost. So when he carefully opened the glass and leaned in to inhale deeply, he was almost startled by how potent the scent really was. It was like his hand had a mind of its own as he reached out to touch the petals, noticing the purple powder that was now dusting his fingers. Felix jerked away when the woman spoke from behind him shaking her head with a teasing glint in her eyes. “Oh sugar, you're in for a long night.” 

His head was spinning as you continued to speak “Binnie made me workout with him...” He could practically picture you pouting with your arms crossed over your chest. “He’s being so mean Lixie! Tell him to let me leave so I can come over and stuff my face full of your sweets.” Normally Felix would’ve chuckled at that but the idea of you being around him right now sent him into a goddamn spiral. The metaphorical alarms were blaring in Felix’s head telling him that under absolutely no circumstances could he let you come over. 

Felix had already been fighting his natural urges to cuddle the ever living hell out of you every time he saw you for months now, and that was putting things lightly. He would never admit outloud the amount of times he’s fisted his cock to the cute selfies you would send him. He would certainly rather die than ever admitting to stealing your panties when hanging out at your apartment, just to rush home and fuck into them until he was a drooling and whimpering mess.

In his current state there was no doubt in his mind that he would get on his knees and beg for you to use him. He wouldn't be able to stop himself from telling you just how obsessed he was with you.  So when he spoke again he was sure he had a masochistic streak but he just needed to see you.

“Tell Changbin I need you for something. It's important.” If you replied he didn’t hear it because he quickly hung up and flung his phone onto the counter with a loud clatter. 

He made quick work of stripping his clothing off as he rushed to his bathroom, turning on the shower to a freezing temperature. He prayed to any god that would listen that his body temperature would go down, but as his eyes landed on his painful erection he knew that his prayers would go unanswered. He reached out a timid hand to gently drag his fingertips along his shaft, his other hand flying out to stabilize himself against the wall. His throat tightened and warmth bloomed across his chest and down his abdomen at the small touch. He hesitantly wrapped his hand around himself, squeezing harshly and slowly moving up and down. He nearly sobbed at the speed his orgasam approached, his thighs trembling, eyes clenched tight, as he came all over his fist and the shower floor. When he realized his erection showed no signs of going away he did sob. He quickly washed up avoiding touching his sensitive cock as much as he could before throwing on the loosest sweats he owned. 

Fast forward to now as he continued to pace around his living room awaiting your arrival. He wasn't even sure you were actually coming or not having not looked at his phone since he hung up on you. Part of him hoped that you would just go back to your apartment and question his odd behavior the next time you hung out. But a much larger part of him desperately hoped you would come, because even your presence would soothe him if not the tiniest bit. 

A rhythmic knocking on his front door signaled your arrival, he recognized the knocking pattern to be the one that only you ever used. As he made his way to his door he swiftly reached down to tuck himself under the waistband of his pants, quietly whimpering at the pressure but anything was better than the obvious tent it presented. As he swung the door open you immediately took notice of his disheveled appearance. The splotches of red across his chest and collarbones, his hair sticking up in different directions seemingly from being pulled on, and his bottom lip red and swollen from being chewed on. Your eyebrows shot up as you took in the sight of him your mouth hanging open slightly.

“Uh… is this a bad time?” You fought the urge to peek over his shoulder to check for who might’ve turned him into the pretty mess in front of you. “If you have someone over I can just come over tomorrow.” His eyebrows pulled together in confusion as he reached up to his forehead to swipe away the sweat coating his skin. Your eyes dropped to the way the fabric of his thin tank top swayed, exposing his sides when he moved. But your attention was quickly drawn to his nipples poking through the fabric and the way his chest seemed to heave with every breath he took. 

“No, there's nobody here.” He rubbed the back of his neck nervously “I was just… My air conditioning broke! It's just really hot in here!” He laughed nervously before moving aside gesturing for you to come in. You took note of the fact that the temperature was completely normal and that you could hear the faint hum of his air conditioner but you chose not to mention it. 

“Are you sure everything is okay Lixie?” Your back was to him so you missed the way his eyes squeezed shut at the nickname. He pulled in a quick breath before faking a smile when you turned to face him. “Yep! Everythings totally fine!” 

You hesitated a bit but gave him a nod before making your way into his living room, plopping down on his couch. “Hey, do you mind if I take a quick shower before we do anything? I’m still all gross from the torture that Binnie calls a workout.” Felix’s head felt like it was gonna explode at the thought of you showering in the very same shower that he just jerked off in not even 20 minutes ago. Still he nodded and offered you a pair of his clothes to change into once you were finished. 

Once he heard the water turn on he bit down on his knuckle harshly, his mind going wild at the idea of you naked on the other side of the wall. He started his pacing again as he fought the urge to touch himself, his cock still painfully throbbing against his hip. He decided to change into basketball shorts, his sweatpants suddenly way too hot for him to be wearing.

As he made his way down the hall he noticed the bathroom door cracked open, the heat and the steam from your hot shower making its way through the opening. Felix’s poor heart felt like it was going to stop as he stared at the door. Did you just accidentally not close it all the way? How did you not notice it wasn’t closed? And why didn't you lock the door behind you? He didn’t even realize he had moved forward until his hand made contact with the handle of the door, about to nudge it open. He quickly jerked his hand back and internally scolded himself for being such a pervert. But in his moment of weakness the thought of just a tiny peek didn't seem so horrible.You would never find out right? He just needed a little glimpse, just something to help him get through the intense jerking off he was planning on doing once you left. So when he reached his hand out and carefully nudged the door open he certainly didn't expect to see you standing under the water staring back at him with an evil smirk plastered on your lips. He yelped and began to stumble over his words trying to offer you something between an apology and an explanation. But much to your amusement the entire time he was rambling his eyes were greedily raking over your naked body.

You smiled to yourself as you thought that your bold action of leaving the door cracked open just might have paid off. When you noticed Felix was so out of it upon your arrival you tried to get a closer look at him as you walked past him. The subtle bulge near his hip gave him away and you hoped that if you played your cards just right maybe tonight would finally be the night that your friendship blossomed into something more. 

“You forgot to tell me where the towels are Lixie” you reached to turn off the water before making your way to stand directly in front of him. You could almost see his brain malfunctioning as he opened and closed his mouth like a fish out of water. He quickly bent down and grabbed a towel out of his cabinet before practically shoving it into your hands. 

You gave him a soft smile before saying thank you and beginning to dry off like normal but when you looked back you saw Felix still standing there like he was glued to that spot. Whatever kind of internal war was happening inside his brain you quickly interrupted by reaching out and touching his cheek.  

“Maybe I could thank you properly?” He opened his mouth to reply but quickly shut it before nodding eagerly.

“Words baby…” You stroked your thumb over his bottom lip and tugged it down gently before releasing it. “I need words” Felix swore he must've fallen and hit his head because there's no way that this was real. But when you said his name with a gentle yet stern tone he realized that this was real and this was happening and he was just standing there like an idiot. 

“Yes p-please” Felix couldn't bring himself to care how pathetic he sounded and thankfully it only seemed to spur you on further. 

A smile stretched its way across your lips as you raked your fingers up the back of his neck and into his hair, grabbing a fistful and tugging his head back harshly. “Let me show you just how thankful I am Lixie” You mumbled against this throat as you ghosted kisses across the skin there. You heard him choke back a strained whimper as you nipped gently at the spot behind his ear. As you pulled away to scold him for holding back the loud gasp followed by a needy high pitched whine at your absence told you it wouldn't take much more for him to completely fall apart. 

You continued your kisses down his neck and across his collarbones, being sure to pull back every so often to gently blow over the wet areas. Felix’s knees felt like they were going to give out any second and with the way his head was spinning he wasn't entirely sure he wasn't going to faint. You felt him cautiously take your hips in his hands and hold onto them for dear life, and he hoped you wouldn't be upset with him for touching you without permission. 

“B-Bedroom… please.. I-” He cut himself off with another gasp as you pressed against his bulge with your palm, a faux sympathetic look taking over your features. “You can wait just a little longer, can't you baby?” You continued to lightly squeeze him through his sweats as you kissed across his chest. “ Wanna keep playing with you some more.” You kitten licked his nipple before taking it in your mouth and swirling your tongue around it, nibbling on it gently. The sounds leaving Felix were pure sin, a mixture of your name with high pitched whines and low groans.

“So pathetic Lixie… I’ve hardly touched you and your a fucking mess for me” You giggled at the way his moans only seemed to increase at your taunting.

When you applied more pressure to his aching cock along with the work of your busy mouth on his nipples his poor body just couldn't take it any more. His knees buckled and his brain turned to mush as you pushed him backwards to pin his hips between you and the bathroom counter. You helped lift him up onto the counter as he wrapped his arms around your neck and he pouted down at you. Tears were pooling in his eyes and his lips were swollen and glossy from him chewing on them.

“Pleasepleaseplease…” Felix’s hips started to roll against you as you held on to him tightly, allowing him to relieve some of the pressure that had been building between his thighs. A deep groan ripped from his throat as you began sucking marks into his chest while he continued to grind into you. You could feel the wetness of his precum seeping through the fabric of his pants and you let out an appreciative hum as you looked down to see the dark patch. “Feel good baby?” He nodded against the crook of your neck where he was drooling and nibbling at the skin gently. “Mhm…want more.. please touch me more”  

“Such a good boy lixie hmm? So polite for me” You slipped your hand under the elastic of his pants, taking him in your hand and feeling him throb against your palm. “Good boys deserve to be rewarded.” Felix was practically sobbing into your neck now, the feeling of you finally touching his cock overwhelming him instantly. As you began to twist your wrist gently and brush your thumb over his slit his cries only got louder mixed with babbles about how good you made him feel and him begging you not to stop. Somewhere in the mix of his rambling you heard him choke out that he was close so you sped up just enough along with your lips mouthing at his neck to send him flying over the edge. His thighs trembled as he came in his sweatpants and he was gasping for air as you continued to stroke him into oversensitivity. His hands shot out to gently nudge your hand away “t-too much p-please… I just need a s-second” so you continue to place gentle kisses along his throat and across his chest as you let him come down from his high, being sure to whisper sweet praises about how good he did for you. 

When he finally pulled away you noticed how dark his eyes were, pupils still blown and suddenly that innocent and needy glint was replaced with something else entirely. The intensity of his gaze made you feel like squirming so you looked down to try and avoid it but your jaw dropped when you saw him still straining against his pants. 

“How are you still hard?” You asked in slight disbelief but mostly just pure shock. Felix didn't respond but instead slid off of the counter, walking you backwards until you were the one pressed up against the wall. His pointer finger slid under your chin tipping your head up until you met his eyes again.

“Listen to me sweetheart” He paused to slide his palms under your thighs and lift you up, wrapping your legs around his waist. “I don't know why the hell my cock wont calm the fuck down but..” He began to walk you both towards his bedroom where he all but tossed you onto his mattress. “You're gonna be a good girl and take everything I give you until it does yeah?”

He made quick work of ripping his clothes off, his angry red cock slapping against his stomach, before he was crawling over you. You nodded eagerly attempting to reach your hands out to wrap around his shoulders but he was quick to grab them and pin them back to the mattress. He leaned down and brought his lips next to your ear “Don’t you think you were greedy enough earlier? You had your chance to touch all you wanted and you chose to be a fucking tease instead.” The way he snarled the words harshly had you attempting to clench your thighs together but his own thigh lodged between yours, just barely brushing against your cunt.

“Don't worry kitty I'll make sure to fuck you until youre sobbing and begging me to stop just like you had me.” The rapid switch in dynamics left your head buzzing and your heart pounding with excitement. You whined and bucked your hips forward trying to reach his thigh, desperate for any kind of friction or touch. Despite how much you teased him earlier you desperately wanted him inside of you, to be as close as possible to him. 

When you continued to whine and squirm underneath him he raised an eyebrow at you. “You had so much to say earlier and now youre so quiet…Cat got your tongue kitty?” His condescending chuckle pulled another whine from you. “Please Lixie… n-no more teasing just want you to ruin me.” You were slurring your words, practically drunk on lust, on top of the way your eyes were hooded and your lips were poking out in a pout Felix had no choice but to fold. He would take his time to dom you properly another day but right now you're both just as desperate for this to happen.  

As he brought his hand down to your soaking cunt he kept his eyes locked on yours mumbling “Gonna take care of you pretty girl” and “gotta get you nice and ready for my cock yeah?” He began dragging his middle finger through your folds gathering some of the wetness and bringing it up to your clit. You couldn't help but buck your hips at the sensation even with his other hand pressing down on your abdomen to hold you in place. Your whines got louder as he began to circle your hole with his finger. You were about to complain when he finally pushed it in immediately curling upwards and searching for the spot that would make you see stars. He started out slow and teasing but eventually sped up after adding a second finger. Starting to scissor them and rocking them upwards, the heel of his palm grinding against your clit, the combination quickly bringing you close. 

“Feels so good lixie” you tried bucking your hips again to get even more friction and you earned a harsh slap to your inner thigh. The stinging sensation mixed with the pleasure his fingers were bringing you tipped you over the edge as you creamed around his fingers. Your high pitched moans and grunts drove Felix crazy as you sucked his fingers deeper into your cunt. 

“Such a greedy little pussy baby” he finally pulled his fingers out to suck your them clean before leaning down to attach his lips to yours. It was the first time you had kissed since this all began and it made your head spin in a completely different way. You could taste yourself on his tongue and lips and that made you whimper into his mouth. He dropped his hand in between your bodies and guided his cock to your drenched cunt. He slid it back and forth between your folds a few times to coat himself in your wetness before lining himself up. He captured your lips in another delicate kiss as he sheathed himself inside of you in one swift thrust. Capturing every gasp and moan that attempted to leave your mouth with his lips, drinking in each one hungrily. The contrast of his soft lips kissing you gently and his rough hips snapping into you forcefully making your headspin. 

“Take my cock so well baby. Fuck.” He was mumbling into your neck now telling you how pretty you were and how good you were being for him. All you could do was sit there and take what he gave you, your mouth hanging open with drool slipping past your lips, too fucked out to even care. 

“Gonna fucking ruin you.” He slapped your thigh again.

“Fuck you so good that you’ll never even think about anyone else ever again.” His hand was sliding to wrap around your throat now, applying just enough pressure on the sides to make your head feel fuzzy. 

“Gonna breed this cute little cunt until it's stuffed full of my cum.” His pace increasing but not losing the force behind each thrust. 

“So fucking good letting me use you like this. But you love this don't you? Taking my cock like it's what you were meant to do.” More kisses, some on your lips while some were just around your mouth and scattered across your cheeks. You just hummed in response loving the affection and praise you were getting.

The combination of his filthy mouth, with his powerful thrusts, and his gentle kisses quickly had the knot in your stomach forming again and you could feel your legs begin to tremble against his sides. 

“Wrap your legs around me baby… that's it…fuck… just like that.” With your legs wrapped around his waist he was hitting even deeper inside of you and your cunt seemed impossibly tighter.

You so badly wanted to wrap your arms around his waist and sink your nails into the skin of his back but you tightly gripped the sheets under you trying to ground yourself. “Want you to cum around me, pretty girl. Can you do that for me hm? Cum around my cock like a good girl?” His voice was strained and his arms were trembling next to your head as his third orgasam of the night began its approach. You nodded and whined hoping he would give you the tiny bit of friction on your clit you needed to reach your high. Like he could read your mind his hand made its way between your bodies and began to rub gentle circles into your clit. Your orgasam twice as intense as the first one violently washed over you. You squeezed your eyes shut as you spasmed around his length that was still pounding into you. 

The sounds of your wetness and your squeals of oversensitivity filled the room and Felix found himself following shortly after you as you continued to milk his cock. He allowed himself to collapse on top of you after he emptied himself into you, careful to position his weight so it wouldn't hurt you.

His cock was still hard but his brain felt like mush and he wasn't sure how much more he could take. He noticed the way your hands remained by your sides and he suddenly felt more desperate for your touch than ever before. 

“Baby?” He whimpered against your chest. You hummed in reply too fucked out to even attempt to talk.

“Want you to hold me please…Miss your touch already.” The way he asked so timidly had your hands flying to his hair and back, one hand scratching gently at his back and the other ranking through his sweaty locks. 

“Did so good lixie.” He hummed happily at the contact and your words, nuzzling into you further. “Took such good care of me” 

You both just laid there for a while soaking in each other's presence and attempting to gather more energy to help Felix deal with his problem. Tomorrow you would talk about where this left you two but for tonight you would help Felix get this out of his system and Felix would enjoy every ounce of attention he got from you.

#lee felix x reader #lee felix smut #lee felix x reader smut #skz x reader #stray kids smut #skz oneshots #this took me way too long #why do i struggle so badly with writing smut but i can write plot for days #what have i become

[satancopilotsmytardis]

I don't think you've had a headcannon so far that I haven't also shared and it's great. Honestly I'd love to hear anything about your headcannons and/or reasonings behind your Shigadabi and (Shigadabihawks) relationships. And also Duster is the superior nickname and I can't remember were I first saw it either.. huh... I'd just like to let you know I still haven't gotten the dog teeth series off my mind so I've been re-reading everything you've written (in bnha, I still haven't finished all your gravity falls fics I'm getting there tho), I've gotten stuck on your talk to me series as it's probably my favourite at the moment but I can't figure out why? It's just so feely? So if your open to it, sharing anything about those particular fics or I dead would be greatly appreciated. Also every time I read or re-read another one of your fics it seems to become my favourite, your writing is just so compelling :)

Howdy, so! Thank you for the kind words on my writing overall, but I'm about to show my whole ass because I'm gonna be really, really honest over both Talk To Me and Dog Teeth. We're gonna start with Talk To Me and Dog Teeth will have a little aside for triggering content before I get into that one later on!

Talk To Me was entirely written because I wasn't satisfied with the amount of Shigaraki's dirty talk in Say Something Nice. Like my main goal with Say Something Nice was to play with praise kink and dirty talk and while that piece was fine, I didn't feel like I pushed it far enough. So A Way With Words was created in response and I just pushed those themes harder.

As for them being 'feely' I think that just comes from the fact that my writing focuses a lot on introspection. Like for pieces that don't have a strong external conflict, which a lot of my smut centered fics don't, the conflict in the story needs to come from somewhere internal. Since I'm playing in a sandbox with established characters it then becomes a matter of looking at their personalities and then picking what to heighten or what would clash with the world/desires of the other characters around them that would push the plot forward. In A Way With Words specifically I heightened Dabi's desire to not get too involved with the rest of the League. This creates an emotional conflict on two fronts. The first is that Shigaraki obviously and actively wants to be involved with Dabi and is seeking him out. But it also creates a secondary conflict internally with Dabi who wants attention and connection very badly, but has been denied it by himself and others for years. This is why I can even tell the story at all because obviously if he was just like 'yeah let's bone' from the start then there wouldn't really be anything but the smut to write, and I personally don't think that's as satisfying. I think that when stories use internal conflict as the backbone of the plot, that puts a lot of emphasis on the inner world and emotions of the character(s) and that may be why it's more noticeable in the stories where I use that as a major form of conflict. (Spoiler, if you've noticed this tone across almost all of my writing, it's because I almost always include an internal conflict and give it significant weight in the story even if there is an external one happening too.)

Internal conflict is actually also the reason that this went from a one-shot to a duology. I really wrote A Way With Words not intending to do anything else with that world but after it sat with me for a little while I realized that while Dabi and Shigaraki were together, Dabi's internal conflict still hadn't fully resolved. He was still struggling to accept the depth of emotional intimacy that Shigaraki clearly had been broadcasting, and there was opportunity to show his struggles to be emotionally honest with himself about any kind of positive emotion. Hence him throughout that entire fic trying to 'protect' Shigaraki by tearing open a wound from his past and starting a frankly unneeded and kind of ridiculous investigation for months rather than just have a conversation about his feelings. This man does not know how to express himself without doing The Most and this was such a fun idea to add into play to go with the threads still hanging from the first part, this fic earned itself an unintended sequel.

Now we're gonna talk Dog Teeth and I probably won't be going in depth about all of these elements but please be aware that this series contains explicit sexual assault, physical/psychological torture, graphic descriptions of violence, and abusive relationships, so if you want to dip on this post here, then that's completely valid and please take care of yourself!

This series was really just born of "What if I wrote something really fucked up?" That was the main thought. I really emphasize consent and communication in my fics, what would it look like if I did the opposite? From there I just kind of busted out some psychology stuff like specifically how cults indoctrinate people and started to formulate how that would look if applied to my favorite son, Dabi. Then I just wanted to make sure I was keeping an internal logic so that nothing in the story was included for the sake of shock value or anything like that. Like throughout the story there are several explicit scenes of sexual assault, each one established a significant setup or had a payoff that was foreshadowed by earlier scenes. The very first establishes that assault will be a consistent threat and violence inflicted on him, and there are quite a few times Dabi mentions being 'used' that the readers don't see because I didn't feel the need to retread scenes like that which didn't actively contribute to the plot. I found it very interesting to play with the idea of what it would take to tear down someone's sense of identity in All Over Me, and in A Matter of Perspective it was very fun to explore how the abuse was being hidden as well as show that everything done throughout the first story was an active, methodical, and deliberate manipulation by Shigaraki-- even if the final results were 'better' than he'd expected.

In my opinion Dog Teeth is definitely one of the tightest series I've written and while it has some very uncomfortable content, it's definitely in my top three of things I've written.

Phew, okay, that was so long, sorry! I mean, you read my fics, you know I'm horribly verbose, but that was more talking than I'd planned on, whoops. Hope this was? Interesting? Informative? I have no idea, but I hope you got something out of this!

#Showing my whole ass and writing degree in this one lads #apologies if it comes off as pretentious but you all know I'm just out here writing anime villain smut #Also oh my god i did not mean to talk that much jesus fuck #tanco speaks #tanco's meta #ask #asks

[wingsofescape]

20 questions for writers

I was kindly tagged by @alighted-willow for this (thank you friend, you know how much I love these!)

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

2 for now, but I have ideas for many more I keep shelved in order not to get distracted from my main project.

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

88,706 (but 82k are from one fic)

3. What fandoms do you write for?

So far FMA 2003, but I did attempt a Yugioh fic a decade ago that luckily never saw the light of day. I started watching Detective Conan so maybe there will be a fic from that one day, depending on what my brain will decide to rot on.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

I only have two fics published, soooo

in the cracks of light - 87 kudos

there'll be happiness after you - 32 kudos

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Always! I love discussing observations and mutually scream with my readers. Also I really appreciate when someone takes the time to comment so the least I can do is return the favour. Equivalent exchange, if you will.

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

It's complicated? there'll be happiness after you seemingly ends well, but since it's a prequel and shit unfolds in in the cracks of light... it's a fake happy ending and a prelude to loads of angst *kicks reveal chapter under the rug*

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

I haven't finished it yet, but itcol will be getting a happy ending! I know it seems unbelievable now, but I promise it's a fix-it and it will end happily.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

I haven't gotten hate per se, but I've had some... disagreements over the genre and some "I expected [character] to react [a certain way] because that would rush the story along" where I'm like "it's called a narrative choice that I have fully analysed and can justify, what's your problem", but other than that...

Although there is a certain very divisive topic I'm handling in my fic which could lead to hate, but I've explicitly stated I would be very liberal with the block button if someone left hate, so I guess the haters know how to stay silent.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Yes! I'm actually sitting on a sex scene that was written two years ago and I can't wait to unleash it when the time comes (get it? Okay I'll see myself out).

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

Nope, but I would be tempted to maybe do a HTTYD/FMA crossover.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

I sure hope not!

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

No, but if anyone would like to translate a fic of mine, feel free! I'm a translator and editor by profession so if you would like a fic translated to either French or Danish let me know and I will do my best.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Nope! Me and two friends did have an idea two years ago but we never developed it to fruition.

14. What's your all-time favourite ship?

Do I even need to say it... CoS Edwin all the way.

15. What's a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

As long as I finish itcol, I'm happy. It's more about wips I want to write but haven't started yet.

16. What are your writing strengths?

I've gotten the most positive feedback on characterisation and relationship building, as well as metaphors. I also think that for a first time mystery writer I didn't do too badly with plot twists and red herrings and kept people guessing till the end.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

I overthink a lot and will get stuck until something is perfect. I overwrite a lot and I think my sentences can get clunky, and I really struggle with describing internal sensations and will overuse body language related to the eyes. Working on it, but urgh.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

I speak four so it wouldn't be a problem, but I also know it can take a reader out of their experience, so I try to stick to just a few words.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Unpublished, Yugioh. Published, FMA 2003.

20. Favourite fic you've ever written?

It has to be in the cracks of light. That fic is my baby, it rekindled my love for writing and gave me the best community I could ever ask for. I'm really proud of myself for still being on this story even after two years of working on it and I love its plot and of course giving Ed and Winry the happy ending they deserve (and I like to stick it to the CoS director).

Tagging with no pressure @asthmaticbee @woahpip @darkpersonapeace @maples-pages @wickedcriminal and anyone I forget who would like to do this!

#in the cracks of light fic #tag games #ask and ye shall receive #thank you for tagging me

[thiefofcrows]

I have some Headcanons for Kaz to share in reference to his trauma / haphephobia. A couple of them involve vague mentions of ~intimate situations~. Also updating this a bit from the last time.

It's never really explicitly mentioned in the books, but I suspect blood is one of his triggers—although fresh blood isn't as much of an issue as I think it has a lot to do with scent rather than the physical sensation of it. It's the sickeningly sweet, rotting coppery scent and if he's stuck with it on him long enough, it can easily lead to a panic attack, getting physically sick and/or a fainting spell. It's also very likely the reason why the only time he gets someone's blood all over him is either when it's a last resort or when he just .... loses his cool, which doesn't happen very often. In SOC when he rips that guys' eye out, they change POV after Kaz goes bellow deck to clean himself off and stuff and like ..... I think about that a lot. Might write a drabble abt it some time, who knows.

His reactions to getting badly triggered are within a certain range and it depends on a lot of things, but - symptoms include severe shaking and panic attacks, breaking out in a cold sweat, hallucinations, nausea, vomiting, dizziness, exhaustion and/or fainting. His natural response for this is also very severely in flight, so he is most likely to get tf out of the situation if he's able to.

When/if Kaz gradually starts to work through his touch aversion issues in order to be able to physically touch someone casually or intimately, he is ... very intense once he's comfortable. Because of his aversion, he's also very touch starved, which becomes immediately obvious very quickly in that case.

I think, when it comes to kissing someone, that is likely one of the easier things to work through for him simply because of how stark the contrast is. Like, the heat of someone's mouth, the intimacy of being able to hear and feel someone's breathing, feel how very much alive they are. And for that reason, it becomes pretty immediately apparent how much he enjoys it once he gets there.

One of the ways he keeps himself grounded during situations with any bare physical contact is being able to feel someone's pulse, which he can do by either feeling for it by resting his hand on their throat / pressing his thumb against their pulse point there, doing the same on their wrist(s) or their chest.

However, something important to note; it will absolutely take a lot of tries, trial and error, for Kaz to be able to work through these things. Depending on where we are in the timeline, he is probably going to have several panic attacks along the way and it's gonna be a rough start; it's especially going to be complicated and very, very meaningful for him to allow someone to be anywhere near him when that happens too, so it'll require a ton of thorough plotting. I don't mind skipping ahead, as long as we thoroughly discuss and establish the difficulty in Getting There.

On that note, I also firmly believe that Kaz achieving his goal of not only getting Pekka tf out of his city but just ... bringing him down to his knees and getting his revenge was a much needed step for him re: his healing process. Kaz is no longer hastily covering his infected wound with a shitty band-aid, where every single time he brushes up against it, he gets fucked up. Post CK, it's a scarred over wound that will always be there and it causes him pain and difficulty still, but ... overall, things are a little easier. I mean, not always and he has his ups and downs, but ... he's doing better.

I will also say that, as someone on the asexual spectrum myself, I am 5000% very, very flexible about what intimacy would mean for him. Smut does not have to happen for Kaz to be intimate with someone; literally him letting someone hold his hand is a very huge indication of intimacy for him okay. There's a part of him that deeply, deeply struggles with shame regarding his trauma and limitations because of it, so. Someone eventually knowing What Happened and insisting on giving him the space and patience that he needs and/or being like "you don't actually have to Ever btw" despite his stubborn attitude sigh lmao is 👌👌

Kaz's struggles with touch will never fully be gone, no matter how much he works through it. There will still be days where he can't handle physical contact and there will be days where he's handling things just fine but the slightest thing twists the wrong way and he has a panic attack or can't touch anyone for hours or the rest of the day, ect. It's always going to be there in the back of his mind, being considered with everything he does. And, even with working through it to be able to touch Certain People or Someone In Particular, he still won't be able to deal with it casually, with people he doesn't know well or trust. It's especially Bad if it's not anticipated.

#a good magician wasn't much different from a proper thief. ( 𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐑𝐀𝐂𝐓𝐄𝐑 𝐒𝐓𝐔𝐃𝐘. ) #tw; blood #added some things to this and tweaked some things too!! #Kaz's touch aversion / trauma means everything to me tbh #I love exploring it and I love that it's something that canonically will never completely go away for him no matter how far he gets #aNYWAY

[moonah-rose]

Thought I'd do some quick book reviews for three sapphic reads I've recently finished.

First one is Mortal Follies by Alexis Hall.

Three stars. I really, really wanted to like this book because the cover is so gorgeous and I wanted so badly to have it on my shelf. Basically how my reading experience goes is that I listen on Audible or read the Kindle and then if I like the book I buy the physical copy, kinda like a murderer displaying trophies of their victims, I dunno why that's the similie I chose to go with. To start with the positives; this book is told in a really cool style with the narrator being an amoral sprite who watches and subtly intervenes over mortal affairs just to collect stories to bring back to their master. Honestly watching them start to slowly and reluctantly feel sympathy for the main leads and their funny commentary was the most entertaining aspect. I also liked the quirky best friend, I find it a shame she didn't get to interact with the narrator, that's a dynamic I would have loved! Sadly they overshadow the main leads who are pretty dull in comparison and the plot feels like two stories mashed together and very rushed because of it, rather than having both the reveal of the villain and the high stakes happen at once at the end to make a better climax and see more of the couple spending time together to build up their connection. This is supposed to have Bridgerton vibes but really lacks the Ton intrigue and politics that make Bridgerton interesting. Bit of a let down but I would be up for reading more stories in this world with the same narrator.

Next up is the Witch and the Vampire by Francesca Flores.

Two stars. Like a lot of people I was really hyped for this book; a sapphic retelling of Rapunzel with witches and vampires, sounds like fun if nothing else. Also, like Mortal Follies, gorgeous cover! But sadly, like Mortal Follies, another let down. And this one doesn't have a fun narrator to save it. This was such a struggle to get through, I felt like a secondaries school English teacher being handed a students first draft, like I could tell the author had a story she really cared about but how it's written is just so basic, with way too much exposition and poorly delivered world building. Similar to another book I read recently, The Shattered Lands, this just feels like it doesn't belong in the YA category, even though it deals with really mature themes and has some graphic, violent moments, the writing style just doesn't suit it.

Her Royal Highness by Rachel Hawking.

Three and a half stars (four if I'm being generous). This book really surprised me, I finished watching Red, White & Royal Blue wanting to find the sapphic equivalent and this kept popping up on booktok. This is just a really sweet teen love story, even if it's by no means perfect. I listened to this on Audible which on the plus side, the narrator had the cutest Texan accent - I have a weakness for Southern Belle accents, can't help it - but it also sadly meant the Scottish accents were awful bordering on hilarious. The history nerd in me does wish we'd got a little more info on the hows and whys of Scotland still having a monarchy, it's just something that's set up without any explanation, but I get that's not the focus. I do feel that the writer had even less understanding of monarchy than who wrote RW&RB, I didn't read that book but going by the movie, the Prince acted mostly on point like a British royal and you felt how important that role was to him wheras Flora could have been just any high profile celebrity or nobility. But again, not the focus, it's high school romance where the alpha queen is revealed to be more than a spoiled brat and the simple country girl falls for her, and that being what it is, it's just very sweet, there's not much more I can say other than it gave me the same corny but cute fluff I got out of watching RW&RB.

Bonus quick review.

Four and a half stars! I did not think Faerie smut was for me, I skimmed through pretty much all the "spicy" parts in the ACOTAR series (which was also 60% of ACOSF). But I dug this, even though it's filthy as hell, I knew what I was going into, and it just surpassed my expectations. And it's gay, maybe that's why, maybe het spice just rarely does it, but this ticked so many boxes I didn't even know I had. Only took off half a star because it's so short and dammit I know it didn't need to be longer because it's just meant to be simple fantasy porn but, ugh, I got way more invested in this three day love story than I did the whole of Mortal Follies!

#sapphic books #wlw love #lgbt literature #mortal follies #the witch and the vampire #her royal highness

[caeloservare]

GET TO KNOW THE MUN

— BASICS

NAME: Herami. Sometimes I go by Kira. Ofc both are nicknames.

PRONOUNS: she/her

ZODIAC: Leo 

SINGLE / TAKEN: single af

— THREE FACTS

001. I feel mentally very old sometimes. But also very odd, not really fitting in like most of groups of people around me. I guess it makes sense then, that I’m drawn to characters that more or less struggle with their own humanity and relationships.

002.  I don’t know. I spend too much time in my own head. Telling stories was always my way to at least keep it interesting, hence RPGs, fandoms, all that jazz. Still, I tend to think too much and not nearly enough where it’s actually needed. 

003. Uhh... My eyes are in hard to define color. So far no one managed to define it any way that would make sense as a color. It’s a mix of grays, greens and blues that can be best simplified as gray. I used to dislike it, now I find it a tad annoying but also love it.

— EXPERIENCE

001. I’ve roleplayed on tumblr since 2017. Had only one blog before this one though (Genji from Overwatch. I think I’ve locked out most of possible interactions, so idk if you’d be able to find it anymore, but it was @.metal-sparrow (added -archives to url once stopped using it). I have also blog for Qrow now, but I sadly have not enough time (or rather motivation) to get it going. I want to quite badly, but I can’t even catch up here nor get icons for him.

002. Used to plan far ahead what my muses would do depending on replies (old Game Master habits, I guess) and it was really exciting to see my plans thrown off with the reply and figure out new ways. It was upsetting when threads died though, so I just stopped doing that. 

003. My roleplay experience started looong ago on a roleplay summer camp. It was awesome. Then I didn’t want to stop, so despite I miss greatly sitting with people at the table with candles and music, I’ve started roleplaying online. Chats, forums, one-shots sessions at cons and now tumblr.

— MUSE PREFERENCE

I guess I can sum it up as various flavours of disasters and I lean heavily to writing males. And, as I mentioned, I like my muses to be able to go on journey of self-discovery, of growth and searching their own peace and happiness. I really like to dig deep into the character and discover all the “why”s on who and how they are and act.

Also I love them flawed. All of them, no exception. Flaws are fun to play with, can make a good drama, angst, are a good gateway for growth and simply are just fun. On mentioned summer camp I RPed an analphabet warrior girl. Her tries to explain to the guards where she lived was funniest shit ever, because she couldn’t name the street nor the house number. Seriously, don’t be afraid of flaws! Do it! Make your characters flawed! This can be tons of fun! Look how stiff and petty Jimbo can be and tell me I’m wrong about it ;)

— SUB-GENRES

FLUFF: Yes. Only fluff would be boring, but it’s very important to get that sweet and silly ingredient into the writen topics balance. I’m gonna shove all the comfort themes here too, and let me tell you that can be best thing to read or write on some days.

SMUT: Nope. Not gonna happen. Can plot, but without much details. I suppose that for writing my limit is more or less when touching goes into taking clothes off. I do have some headcanons more or less in this topic, I don’t think I’ll have a chance to share, since memes are either not interesting to me or too far out of my comfort zone. 

ANGST: YESS! I love me some good angst. Ofc best combined with some comfort later, with attempts from muse to solve whatever was the issue and move on. Angst is perfect for cracking muse’s outerior and seeing what’s inside them, what they don’t want to show.

IN GENERAL: Relationships. The most interesting thing to write for me are relationships and not only romantic ones. Let the muses meet, run, clash, hurt, forgive and get to know each other better. Let them care for each other but also argue, get angry and lost on their way. It’s not the end goal, it’s the way towards it that matters.

— PLOTS vs MEMES

Mix of both. Sometimes I have no idea how to respond to memes and usually I don’t have any plot ideas, unless I’d be given a starting point. I like memes, these are nice and fun. I like plotting, even if it doesn’t make it to be a thread, I’ll still consider it part of our muses history. So both. Mostly just random screaming random ideas, preferably both ways, because I tend to feel like I’m too much when I go off about some random scene I thought ;u;

 — TAGGED:  @virmireisms thanks <3

 — TAGGING: @storyspun @eiiskonigin @aettangr @h0ldit

#ooc #ウタツグミ::mun

[glove23]

ALL. ALL THE NUMBERS.

thank u ily

1: Which of your fics would you keep the basic plot of but rewrite completely?

Meeting Your Maker (Literally) which like. I've already sort of done dkdjsjsjs but I think if I started completely fresh with it I would do a lot of things differently! I love it tho it's my baby

2: Anything that you'd like to write but feel like you're unable to?

hmm not so much Unable as it's just hard but I struggle a lot with Smut. it just takes practice

3: How would you describe your writing style?

hmm. vibe based

4: Do you have any OCs? Do you have a story for them?

mmmm I sure do. they're all lovely and it's a time travel story I just have to write it dkhjsjdjs and the hardest part is always starting KDHAJDJA

5: What's a tag you never want to use for your works even when it applies?

okay so. I use whatever tags apply but like. sometimes,,,,I love Major Character Death and sometimes I don't want to use the archive warning for it skfhsjdjs so I only use the actual tag. but that's literally it djdjsjsj

6: What's your ratio for rating your works?

almost all of my fics are rated T, with a handful of G and a few M, but the majority is definitely T

7: Your favourite ao3 tag.

Major Character Death ksjfksjxs

8: How slow is a slow burn?

too slow. I'm so impatient, I can't stand to write them for more than a few hundred words

9: Thoughts on cliffhangers.

my favorite. I LIVE for a good cliffhanger I aim to get yelled at at the end of every chapter for where I end things skfhsjdjs

10: Top three favourite fic tropes.

bedsharing, time travel, AND FOUND FUCKIN FAMILY 😭😭

11: Three tropes that are fine but overrated.

uhhh. all of them cksjdjsjs uh coffee shop aus. is that a trope. I don't care sofhwjd it's what I'm putting, they're SO overrated like have u ever worked in customer service

13: Rate your worldbuilding skills from 1 to 10.

3

14: Write and share the first sentence of a new fic. Just that.

"It has to be said: some bodyguards just aren't as skilled as others."

15: What's your favourite plotless fic you have written?

sharp objects. sharp objects. shARP OBJECTS

16: Are one-shots really underrated?

by fandom? yes. I live and breath one-shots and ppl don't fucking appreciate them enough.

17: Past or present tense? Why?

past tense. it sounds better and I like the idea that all stories are being Told, like they've already happened, ur not witnessing events as they play out, ur being told a story.

18: First, second, or third person?

third. it's better. first only sometimes, usually Percy Jackson related. but mostly. third.

19: Share a snippet from a wip without giving any context for it.

“You shouldn’t be up, you’re still healing.” He murmured.

Her gray eyes hardened and she stuck out a foot to kick him lightly on the shin. “This is kind of time sensitive, so if you could stop wallowing out here on the balcony, we could use you inside.”

Annabeth turned and skulked back inside, taking all the warmth with her. He shivered, the rain seeming to seep in right through to his bones. He took a deep breath and followed Annabeth inside.

20: Do you work on a single project or many at the same time? How does that work for you?

many. badly. KSBDKWHDJS got so many ideas so little energy. some things get finished as soon as I start them and others get poked at for months. it's just. life

21: Can you accurately predict how long your fics are going to be? If you can, what's your secret?

uhh yeah pretty much. it's usually how detailed the idea is and how many different branches it's gonna have. I do always still feel like a wizard when I guess correctly

22: What is it about watching the same two idiots falling in love over and over again?

it's all the in between that's the fun part, bc it's different everytime. even if it writing the same idea, it's always gonna be different from someone else. the anticipation of it all, knowing how it's gonna end up and watching all the pieces fall into place over and over again....it's just Fun

23: Dialogue or description? Why is the other one so hard?

dialogue. I love dialogue so much. description just doesn't come as naturally so I like it less dkdhsjjds tho it is still very fun, especially when it's the main focus of the story with very little dialogue. mmm. tasty

24: Thoughts on flashbacks/flashforwards.

like. they have their uses and I do love making the timeline funky but sometimes they are definitely the lazy way out OFJAJDJSJ

25: Is writing the whole thing beforehand better or worse than writing it as you go?

is writing the- DO PEOPLE DO THAT?? WRITE THE WHOLE THING FIRST AND THEN POST IN LITTLE INCREMENTS??? god. well I guess that answers that question. I am a write as I go kinda person, tho writing it all beforehand is definitely impressive

26: What would you describe as OOC?

this is literally different for every character ksbdjsn if they don't sound like themselves. doing things they wouldn't do, and u haven't given a good reason for why they're doing this OOC thing. I love characterization so much, it is definitely a big passion to get characters Right so when they're not,,,,

27: Do you agree that one shouldn't start a story with a piece of dialogue?

fanfiction? or like a legit pro published work? cuz uh either way? do whatever the fuck u want skdhsjsh. sometimes the vibe is dialogue to start!! sometime it's exactly what the story needs

28: Any writing advice that works for you and you feel like sharing?

write every day. forreal. it doesn't matter how much u write, but write something everyday. it helps build the habit and legit makes it easier to start

29: What's the hardest thing about writing?

writing

30: Describe a fic that almost happened, but then it didn't.

I have zero memory so no oshdjwjd I will not

31: What was the most difficult fic for you to write (but in the end you made it)?

sharp objects.

#ask #writing #rie #thank u #ily

[strelitziareginaee]

MEET THE MUN!

name — Ghost/Ghosty

pronouns — she/her

preferred comms — Discord (Ask for Discord!) and Tumblr IMs

name of muse —

Main Muse: Strelitzia Side Muse: Cinderella

experience in RP — A long time. I've been rping since the Myspace days! Then I bounced around a lot. Left Tumblr for a few years and recently came back.

best experiences — I used to be a part of the Kingdom Hearts community back when Tumblr was really thriving (in the early 2010's), when rping in groups rather than independently was a big thing. I roleplayed Vanitas and made some really awesome friends in that group! We called ourselves the KH Crack Crew, lol. We would all talk every day on Skype! Those were good times and sometimes I still think about all of them. We just sort of drifted apart when we started to explore other fandoms, and yeaaaaa.... I still miss my KHCC squad sometimes, though we're all still friends on Facebook!

pet peeves / dealbreakers — Godmodding. I can't stand it. Even if it's something as small as assuming what my character is going to do next. If you want to have the scene go a certain way, there's a way you can write it and if my character does deviate from your original plan, you can take the story elsewhere. That's what can make rp really fun! The only times I'm willing to let it slide is in drabbles, lol.

My other pet peeve is taking what my character does way too personally outside of character. Like, ya'll know this is fake, right? lmao. At the end of the day, we're just writing our silly little characters in our silly little worlds. If it's ruining your day that badly, please go outside and touch some grass.

muse preference ( fluff, angst, smut ) — So I'm actually a huge sucker for romance plots. Romance, fluff, smut, slice of life. Also omegaverse, hehehe. I'm also a huge historical romance nut (think Bridgerton, lol)!

I've sort of moved on from fandom muses and now focus more on OC's (I really only rp on Discord these days, and 9/10 times it's M/M. I do have a F/F historical romance plot that I adore rn tho). Strelly and Cindy are the first muses I've picked up in years, and started rping on Tumblr again. So sometimes I feel rusty playing an established character I didn't make myself. But I'm trying! 〒▽〒 Anyways, give me that romantic nasty shit!! And make it gay as hell!!

plot or memes — Both! I think it's fun to meme and get into a character's mind that you normally wouldn't get a chance to play out. Or just being silly gooses. But I'm also down for always plotting and making something deep and personal!

long or short replies — Either, or! It depends on the plot, the situation that's happening in the story, or what length my rp partner sends me. I'm pretty good about matching the length of a partner's. Unless I got nothing else to say, then it'll be on the shorter side. Like, if our characters are just chatting and there's no action involved, of course it's going to be short.

best time to write — In the mornings! I do rp replies in between slow periods at work. I work from home, so I can get away with it, lol. Which is why you'll see me online for a good part of the day. It's also when I have the most energy. I'm an early bird and I'm burnt out by the time the evening rolls around. Sometimes I can write in the evenings, but that's very rare. So I try to knock out as much as I can in the mornings.

I'm rarely RARELY available on the weekends. That's when I'm the busiest~

are you like your muse —

I'd say yes. Although I don't have a green thumb like Strelitzia. I can't keep plants alive for the life of me. I have a lot self doubts like her too, and I struggle to make friends since I'm incredibly shy and struggle to connect with others on a personal level. ಥuಥ Me and Strelly be fighting for our lives out here!

Cinderella though, I resonate with her a lot. I grew up in a household where I was the cleaner and cook, and I just... know exactly how she feels, LOL.

tagged by: No one! Stolen from Litoredeem. Tagging: Feel free to steal!

#{; ooc prompt ;} #{; dashboard meme ;} #{; just a little way to introduce myself to you all uwu ;}

[rcksmith]

Be good — Five Hargreeves.

Requests: “can i get car sex w/five and lots of praise kink tyyyy 💖💖”

“Hi! Could I request smut prompts 11, 22, and 29 as well as fluff 40 for five hargreeves? Ty!”

Smut prompts:

11. “She may seem like lollipops and rainbows but i bet behind closed doors she’s latex and whips.”

22. “I’m not going to touch you unless you beg.”

29. “I didn’t know you were so sensitive.”

Fluff prompts:

40. “Come cuddle.”

A/N: We not tolerate any pedophilia here !!

I write about Five with their 20s. I write the same about the characters of Harry Potter.

I hope you guys like💖I decided to compile these two requests, since they were the same energy and they prompts connect to a central plot. I added all the elements that were asked for individually, and made sure that all ideas were respected and written down. Good reading.

English is not my first language, so I so sorry if have a mistake.

Requests are open. Love you ❤️

Couple: Five Hargreeves / Fem! Reader.

Warnings: explicit smut, degradation, dirty talk, bad words, fluff.

— — — — —

Part of Five thought it was absurd to feel this way, so wrong. You were young, so young, with an adventurous face in your 20s and bright eyes. Full of life and with such a loose spirit. You had that cool breeze with a free soul, a bright smile and, holy mother of God, you had a body that would be the reason why he would be banished from paradise.

There was something about your youthful innocence that clenched Five's teeth, that made him clench fists to control the urges to touch you at any time. This irritated him deeply.

You were so... so... sweet.

So fucking sweet. From your summer dresses, your delicate mouth, doe eyes and silky hair. You looked like a fucking princess and Five wanted to destroy you for that. You didn't look real. It looked like it came out of a fairy tale and it hit something very deep in Five. Oh, he was burning in a very dangerous fire.

Worst of all, you always knew what you were doing with him. And the way you pretend you don't make him even more angry.

Five remembers the exact moment when he threw in the towel, stopped fighting that insane desire and kissed you as if you were the last glass of water in the desert. And all of this was caused by a trigger so simple, ridiculous to be honest.

He gave up control one afternoon, when you were playing cards with Klaus in the living room, you had just won and got up, saying that you were going to get your phone that you were carrying in another room.

“It's hard to try to be mad at her, she's so cute.” Klaus said to Five, making a gesture in the air that represented pinching your cheeks.

If Five's mood hadn't been bad before, it was bad now. He rolled his eyes, hiding the expression on lips when he took a sip of coffee.

“You should learn from her, who knows" Klaus shrugged “She is so nice and you are... well, you are you.” Klaus pointed to Five's entire body, in a teasing of brother.

The deadly look that Five gave his brother made Klaus laugh even more. God, he was an idiot!

“Doesn't she look like those little movie fairies?”

“Is annoying.” Five rolled his eyes.

“It’s cute.” Klaus defended you “But you know, I think it's just superficial.”

That caught Five's attention, and Klaus realized and started to explain.

“She told me that she likes some more ... crude things, if you know what I mean.” Oh, Five understood “She may seem like lollipops and rainbows but i bet behind closed doors she’s latex and whips.”

So Five was shipwrecked by Images of you. Tied to the bed, in white lingerie, your lips swollen from using that princess mouth of for something else. The giant wave invaded he mind like a ball of destruction, demolishing the entire barrier of self-control he had struggled to build. Brick by brick.

Five wanted to erase those images from his head, to exclude any universe in which you were on all fours for him, begging for more, with that fucking cute voice of yours.

But no matter how hard he tried, Klaus' words brought endless malicious situations that did not come out of Five’s mind.

So that's when he gave up. It was ridiculous to be controlling yourself like a puritan, like a stupid little boy who didn't know what to do.

And Five knew exactly what wanted to do to you.

Then, that afternoon, he disappeared in front of Klaus in the blue flash and reappeared in the room you were in. You must have said something, but Five didn't hear it, or didn't want to hear it. He just walked up to you, put his hands on your waist and kissed you with all the desire that the world had.

He barely touched you and you were already a modeling clay in he hands, sighing with strong touches, with raw kisses, purring like a kitten.

“I didn’t know you were so sensitive." Five whispered against your mouth before he kissed you again.

Five Hargreeves thought that fucking you once would placate that sickly fire that was inside him. But it didn't placate, in fact, it was like pouring gasoline on the fire.

Everything inside him became wilder, more hungry, needy. And that was why he was there, fucking you hard in the car, on an abandoned street.

You moaned loudly, the top of your little red summer dress lowered, exposing your breasts that bounced as you slipped on Five's lap. The air was caustic and pungent, the two of you gasped, sighed, let out toxic and broken moans.

Their bodies clashed as if the world was going to end in that second, and Five did not have the strength to squeeze your hips, pulling you down and up with brutality, pushing him dick deeper into you with every bounce you gave.

“So fucking tight!” He snarled, lowering his left hand to your ass, lifting the fabric of the dress and slapping you.

You contained the cry, pressing your lips against him neck, the tears already burning in your eyes. Five don't slow down the ruthless pace, fucking you with the fury of an animal, as if I've never fucked you before.

“Such a good pussy!” He hand let go of your skin to wrap his fingers in your hair on the back of neck, pulling your face into his, making you receive the moans against your mouth. “I can't get enough of eating you! Good fucking slut!”

You could see the anger, desire, lust and wildness in he eyes. Five wanted to destroy you and, god, you loved it. You let go of that innocent and mysterious smile that left him even more out of control, and Five slapped you down again, but now on your left cheek.

“Don't look like that to me!” He pulled your chin up at him "Otherwise, you're going to get out of here without being able to walk right!"

But it was logical that you did not hear. Truth be told, you were a fucking tease. You liked the game, the hunt, the adrenaline. You liked to play with fire, and Five Hargreeves was not just a flame, but the entire fire.

“Do... do what D-daddy?” You used your best voice, seeing he anger and lust spilling out of he green eyes.

Then you gave that smile again, more neat, more painful and more innocent, and Five snarled like a wild animal that has just come out of captivity. He immediately took you off his lap, taking he dick out of you.

“Go to the fucking backseat. Now!”

You obeyed, going to the backseat and placing yourself on all fours, resting your chest on the seat while lifting your hips.

“You already know how to stand. You are is a little slut, really!” Then a loud slap came on your ass, and you bit your palm to keep from screaming.

“D...Daddy!” You whined.

Five pinned your hair up in a ponytail with he hand, pulling your body back until it was glued and glued to his.

"I'm not going to touch you unless you beg." He snarled in your ear, the hot temperature of he dick an inch from your needy center.

“Please!” You cried “I'm go to be b-good! I promise, daddy!”

“Beg!” One more slap.

“Please!” You rummaged your hips, trying to make any contact. “Please!”

Then Five entered you. Strong, rough, badly and aggressive. He barely gave you time to moan before he started hitting your fragile walls, flooding your eyes with tears that flowed. It was too much stimulation, too much strength, too much desire that made your body want to scream. You and Five had a security password, but you were too horny to want to use it because of the pain.

“So fucking good tis pussy!” Five kept his hand firmly in your hair and the other on your hips, pulling you to his dick. “You have to be a desperate slut to give it to me in the car, don't you?” another slap “Such a needy little slut.”

“Yes, d-daddy!”

Then he continued, relentless. You turned your face to see him, and that was even more of a discharge of electricity between your legs.

Five's coal-black hair was sweaty, clinging to his forehead, with a few droplets running down his firm face. He was without a suit, his shirt wrinkled and unbuttoned, his sleeves rolled up, exposing his vein-streaked arms, marking the white skin that was covered with a layer of sweat mist.

His green eyes contained all the wildness, fury and lust in the world. He looked like an angry young god. And that took you to the apex.

Five let out a short, husky, sneering laugh at how fast you always came for him, and he increased his movements until he poured the hot liquid as deep as possible into you.

“Your pussy is so good.” He whispered in your ear, slowing you two heartbeat with a few kisses on your shoulder.

Five pulled the suit that was lying on the floor of the car, placing it under you and turning you on top of the cloth, so that the cum dripped on the suit instead of the seat. He watched in lust as the cum poured out of you.

Five pulled the air against his teeth, not controlling himself and leaning towards you, sticking your lips together in an angry kiss.

“You are so hot." You smirked at his comment.

“Where were we even going?” You laughed.

"Home."

You loved how he used the word "home" with you. As if it were the home of the two of you.

“Take a shower and have dinner?” Five nodded, removing a lock of his hair from his face. "And after... we are come cuddle?”

He laughed, shrugging and sticking his lips to yours again.

“If that is going to make you stop talking. Of course, dear.” He grunted playfully on your lips, and you laughed.

God, you loved that man.

#five hargreeves #five hargreeves smut #five hargreeves x reader #five hargreeves x you #five x you #the umbrella academy #five hargreeves imagine #five x reader #five fanfiction #five x y/n #number 5 imagine #number 5 x you #number 5 #number 5 x reader #number five fanfic #number five x you #number five x y/n #number five x reader #number five smut #number five #tua smut #tua five #klaus hargreeves #tua klaus #tua fanfic

[djarrex]

Goth Gf Anon🤙

Alright, alright, alright. Since that Tech piece was fucking phenomenal a d you said you don't get any thots of your faves, I'll lend one of my Fives thots.

So, it's the end of the war, Chancellor Palpatine had been exposed for his plot against the Jedi and executed for treason. The Republic and Seperatists made peace treaties upon realizing they were played on both sides. The war is over, Fives is a war hero, a statue in front of the Jedi Temple in his honor. But he could care less when you're smiling at him, tears in your eyes with the proudest glow on your face.

The Clone production on Kamino is halted, leaving the troopers, cadets and infants in a limbo. The Senate passes a bill allowing the Clones unalienable rights, passing adoption bills allowing civilians to adopt baby clones as their own. The Jedi also demand each and every clone has their chips removed. Scientists are working on a serum to slow their aging process down back to normal.

Fives rejoiced in victory, finally happy that the war was over and his brothers were treated as humans. But you.

He was over the fucking moons that he could be with you, not a war, battles or campaigns to keep you apart.

He marries you within the week of the marriage bill being passed.

You move to Naboo, Anakin had left the Jedi Order and started a home with Padmé and his twins, they visit you often, dropping off Luke and Leia when they're off on Senate business or off doing young couple things.

Fives loves seeing you with the twins, there's just something so domestic about it. When he sees you take care of them, make them giggle, feed them. And when the Skywalkers come back and praise you for taking such good care of their babies... it stirs something primal in his gut.

You two are intimate one night-- like many after you married. He's crawling up on his peak, he's right there, his brain switches off, spit firing shit as his thrusts start to stutter like the words rolling from his tongue, thick as honey.

"Y-you-- you looked so good with those-- shit!-- those fuckin' kids!"

"Wanna make you! Fuck, baby-- I'm g-gonna m-make you a fucking mother-- oh shit!"

"Gonna fuck a baby into you, sweetheart!"

And you're thinking: "What a pleasant turn of events."

Then you just start fucking feeding him.

"Yes, yes, yes, Fives! Anything you want! We'll fucking grow old together!"

You moan, "Put a fucking baby in me, cum deep."

And he can't hold it anymore, an inhuman sound ripped out of his chest and tearing through his throat as he slams into you one more time, his spend shooting deep. 11/10 best orgasm he's had.

Afterwards, you both talk it out. You've always thought about starting a family with him, thinking about how good of a father he would be considering the way he always looked out for his brothers. Fives explains himself a little more clearer after the fact, and you decide you'll go to the med center to get your contraceptive implant removed the next time it has to be replaced. You've decided you wanted to start a family with him.

Apologies if this was lackluster, I don't usually write smut lines lol.

Ciao ;)

!!!HOLY OMTHER OF GOD

I...I- don't even know how to respond to this. it’s late I KNOW but I’ve been trying to come up with a worthy reply. 

whyyyyy did I start fucking tearing up when going through each word in the first half WHY this is so beautiful and Fives deserves so much more and I love him. this is perfect, you are perfect. when he starts blurting out his desires "Wanna make you! Fuck, baby-- I'm g-gonna m-make you a fucking mother-- oh shit!" I- uh- yeah. that sent me. "What a pleasant turn of events" LMAO. ME. please write this as a fic. lackluster? mmmm no not even close. I love this

But seriously, how do I even add anymore to this already perfect droplet of heaven you so graciously placed in my inbox. tbh though, my gutter brain immediately wants to analyze how that night goes:

(18+ only!!! fluff, breeding kink, unprotected piv) 

***

you were blissfully unaware of the way Fives gawked at you earlier today - how he watched you with so much love and adoration in his eyes as you giggled with Luke and cradled Leia to sleep

It didn’t feel appropriate, but he couldn’t help but get hard at the vision playing out in front of him - wholesome domesticity, soft giggles, and hushed coos filled his very own living room and he just needed to step away to take care of his painfully hard and aching erection      

Fives can't help it - up until recently he was sure on having a dark fate, one that either involved being killed on the front, or worse: never being able to truly make you his because of his sole duty to fight for the Republic just would not allow such a peaceful and perfect life - it would hurt you more than he would care to live through

He didn’t realize just how badly he wanted the twins to be his - living, breathing, beautiful humans that you and him had created out of love, and, well, good fucking sex

So Fives came back from the bathroom after tugging himself raw - trying to alleviate that wanting ache that’d been sitting heavy deep in his bones and showing its face in the form of starving arousal - and the Skywalker’s had returned from Coruscant to pick up their babies

Fives hadn’t turned the corner yet - the soft voices coming from the three of you, keeping quiet while the twins were finally asleep, stopped him in his tracks. He heard the way Padmé praised you and thanked you over and over for always watching the kids, and Anakin cooing in the sweetest voice Fives had ever heard his former General speak in right at his own sleeping babies.

Your own voice was extremely soft and kind, careful as to not wake the twins up in the hand-over. Fives’ heart - and cock - were aching.

That's what Fives is thinking of as he’s pounding you into the next system - watching with hungry eyes at how your pussy so beautifully swallows his cock, yet he can't help but be slightly distracted when all these thoughts about filling you full with his seed are stemming from how motherly and breathtaking you looked when interacting with the Skywalker twins - how you always look when you’re watching them

You’re both so close to finishing - Fives groans at the way your walls squeeze unforgivingly around him as you approach your climax - a sight that is most devine to him. He’s right there as well - the relentless clenching of your cunt sure as hell pushes him right there to where he’s about to-

“Y-you looked so good with the - mmph - the twins" he doesn’t even realize he’d just voiced his thoughts aloud - albeit, in the form of a growl - until he sees how your eyes widen after struggling to come down from your first high 

He’s no where near embarrassed - perhaps it was finally fucking time to let you know just how painfully hard you make him when you’re all motherly and in caretaker mode 

The way your features morph from being caught in surprise to desperation and hunger completely takes the filter off of him - and he begins voicing his plans for the two of you in the heat of the moment

“Wanna - aghh- fuck a b-aby into this sweet p-pussy” his teeth are clenched tightly together as he continuously hits that exquisite spot so deep within your heat and your head is positively spinning at his shameless confessions - fuck, you want him to make good on his word. 

“Fuck... you’re nearly ch-oking my cock, pretty thing,” he grits out between heavy pants. “You want me to, hm? Wanna let me - mmphh -  fill you so f-fucking deep that you swell with my child?”

Your body is on fucking fire - you’ve never heard Fives speak of this before, and boy oh boy it is 100% welcome right about now. Yes, yes you want that so, so bad but you never thought to bring it up before because everything was still new with how the galaxy has changed for the better... but right now - you’re going to fucking feed him so he can have the best orgasm he’s ever had

“Yes, love, please,” you’re whimpering those three words like a prayer over and over between loud, uncontrollable moans - completely taken by him and the way he looks so gorgeous in this determined and concentrative state. “Shit, fill me up with our child,” you punctuate your mewling request with the repetition of his name - you’re hitting your climax again but this one is about to utterly wreck you like never before. “Right now.”

Fives’ eyes clamp shut and the sweat on his brow is beginning to drop from his forehead to your bare chest with how he is hovered over you - your soft but commanding words has the most gargled and loud groan erupt from deep within his chest as he stills his hips

You can feel the way his cock pulsates so far inside of you - liquid warmth spitting from the head and no doubt seeping into your cervix

You’re both completely out of breath and totally fucked-out - you think that’s the most Fives has ever cum, and you’re just staring up at him with the sweetest smile you can muster in your exhausted state

“We can talk about it more later, but...” Fives rubs at his neck after hauling himself off of you - pulling you close to his chest and wrapping his arms tightly around your torso. 

“No need,” you say softly - your hands wrapping around his forearms. “I’ll have them remove the implant on my next visit.”

Your words of promise has Fives uncontrollably getting hard again

***

Tags! Please fill out my form if you wanna be added <3

@bvcketfvcker @deewithani @chromia7567 @threevie @letitrainathousandflames @latenightsthoughtsnstuff @thefact0rygirl @justanothersadperson93 @ohtobeamoth @14mcmd1122 @tacticalsparkles @cheesemachine44 @damerondala @buckethead-over-heels @kriffclone @purgetroopercody @socially-anxious-fangirl @cloneygoodness @marya-komar @beskarprincessjenny @awkward-katiesaur @katiebits1 @kawaiitimecharm @shiny-mando @sapphichorrorpictureshow @fat-zygerrian @foodandbooksplease @the-siren-writes-it @ken-obiwan @parkotedarasuum @ladykatakuri

#goth gf anon #god-tier thot ty non-non #fuck. I love him #he deserves a happy ending. jfc please give it to him #thots with M #arc trooper fives x reader #arc trooper fives smut #18+ #djarrex writes #fives x reader #arc trooper fives

[btswritingcafe]

THE DAILY GRIND | SPECIALS.

welcome to btswritingcafe’s monthly special highlighting our members by diving into their world of fanfiction. we want to discuss your passions and interests as you work through a fic, showing our readers the behind the scenes grind.

our hope is for all of you to take the time to read what each writer faces when it comes to tackling a new fic. we hope that you can see their excitement as they share. please know that every writer is always excited to share what they do for each story. thank you all for the support!

meet the writer featured for this weeks issue. make sure to read below the cut to see all the amazing responses from indigo!

♡ — @playmetheclassics​ | indigo

all too well | knj

You thought you met the man of your dreams, he was everything that you ever wanted, but what happens when that dream falls apart, and what happens when that man is no longer the one you recognise, but you want to love him against all odds because you believe things can be better.

• pairing: namjoon x female reader

• genre: 18+, angst, fluff, smut, professor au

• word count: 21k

read here

♡ — what inspired you to write this fic?

So this fic is part of a more extensive series called “The story of Us,” I love song fics because I feel like they help a lot to set the mood, and you can give your take on the song. Now on to “All Too Well,” this is one of my most favourite songs from Taylor Swift, and the 10-minute version is perfect. It perfectly fits my relationship with my ex. It was a relationship that ended badly, and I felt like I never got closure, but writing this fic was beyond cathartic because I felt like I could finally breathe because of the things I could never say to him. I could finally say in a fic, and even if I never got that closure, I got it for my character, and I lived vicariously through that. Writing that story was beyond healing to me.

♡ — how long does it usually take you to write a fic?

Oh god, this depends. Sometimes I can write something as long as All Too Well (21k), which may take a couple of weeks. I pulled an all-nighter to finish it. I think it depends when it’s a purely original story. I can take between 5 months to a year to write it, as I go through pretty bad episodes of writer’s block. However, when the fics like All Too Well are based on my real-life experiences, it’s a lot easier to write, slightly painful reliving everything, but it was easier to write this.

♡ — what was your favorite scene to write and why?

I think the ending scene, because like I said, I got to give my character closure, closure I never got. I can honestly say this too. When I wrote the last sentence, I felt like I could breathe. I felt like I was able to close a chapter of my life that was like an open wound, and when I finished writing this fic, I was able to heal from that wound, and it’ll heal over time.

♡ — what excites you about writing in general?

I love exploring ideas that sometimes I struggle to verbalise and explore new worlds, but every time I write, I discover something new about myself. I never thought I’d ever write fics, just because I am painfully lazy, but I like that I get excited about this whole new world that I can create, and I’m a visual writer, so when I write, I feel like I can see every scene unfold in front of me.

♡ — what do you usually write first in a fic (from the beginning, major events you have in mind, dialogue…etc).

Oh god, I go straight to the document and start typing. Very rarely will I plan. I just go with the flow.

♡ — did you listen to any music while writing this fic?

Yes, All Too Well, the 10-minute version was on repeat. I also have a playlist called Feels, which has my “go-to crying songs” on it, which I have lovingly dubbed sad whore playlist.

♡ — is there anything you find particularly difficult when it comes to writing?

Yeah, exploring specific ideas, like introducing a new thing or plot, will not explore it and struggle because I get lazy. I’ll fail to understand the importance of exploring specific themes or topics.

♡ — what helps you to get out of writers block?

Nothing, honestly. Aside from taking time away from writing to recharge and coming back to it when I feel more ready, and in the meantime, I work on my fic recs to show love to all the fantastic content creators on this platform.

♡ — what do you believe is your strengths as a writer?

I think maybe dialogue? I write a lot of my dialogue, and it is based on reality, so it’s pretty genuine, but I also believe smut at times. I’m not sure what my strengths are precisely, but I guess I feel like I grow with each story I write, so that’s all I can ask for.

♡ — what do you want people to specifically notice in this fic?

To see the pain, to see the hurt, and then to see that there’s growth. I want people to notice that I could find growth in my darkest times, and I hope that that’s something everyone can do to pull themselves out of their darkness.

on behalf of the cafe admins, we are so thankful for all you do! you work word and it shows brightly in your writing!

#monthly;specials #daily;grind #network post

[circumference-pie]

Fic writer meme thing! Thanks for the tag, @intyalote​! I love mucking around with writing-adjacent introspection.

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

17

2. What is your total AO3 word count?

54,055

3. Top five fics by kudos

Connect with friends and the world around you (NiF, crack)

Rock, Burning Up in the Air (DCMK, Kogoro & Conan)

Every Heart Sings a Song (DCMK, ShinRan)

the dcmk shipyard (DCMK, various)

Two (Guardian, Shen Wei & Ye Zun)

4. Do you respond to comments, and why?

I love getting author responses on comments I send on fics, so I always try to respond to reader comments on mine! And I don’t get so much that it’s overwhelming, or anything.

I’ve gotten much more comfortable responding to comments over these past two (three???) years I’ve been writing fic. I used to freeze up so bad. In delight, but also for fear of saying the wrong thing/not adequately conveying my brain-explody appreciation. Now I just say whatever comes to mind. :D

5. What’s the fic you have written with the angstiest ending?

Days in the Sun for sure. And even that has a lovely, hopeful ending... unless you know canon. >:)

Oh, though “Messy,” the ShinShi short in the dcmk shipyard, has a pretty angsty beginning, middle, and end.

6. What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending?

Unambiguously happy? Probably Every Heart Sings a Song or its followup, Sensory Input.

I hadn’t realized how many of my fics were sort of in a not-quite-angst gray zone.

7. Do you write crossovers, if so what’s the craziest one you have done?

I’ve written one, a Chihayafuru x DCMK crossover. It’s not quite crazy, but with two sets of characters and canons it’s hard to decide where to focus.

8. Have you ever received hate on a fic?

Nope.

9. Do you write smut? If so what kind?

I have published about four lines of smut, but I’ve written a lot more for a WIP. It’s pretty vanilla M/F stuff.

10. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

I don’t think so?

11. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yep, the first part of touch (DCMK) is translated into Vietnamese here! The translator may or may not finish the rest.

12. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

I haven’t collaborated on the actual writing, but I’ve had really involved conversations that deeply influenced the tone and direction of a fic. And some of my betas have been really involved, too.

13. All time favorite ship!

Maybe... RoyAi, from Fullmetal Alchemist? They’re certainly my oldest ship that I still ship. I just love the trust they have in each other.

14. What’s a WIP that you want to finish, but don’t think you will?

Ah, the faux-history paper on the events of Nirvana in Fire, unfortunately.

15. What are your writing strengths?

Derp? I used to really like writing dialogue, but now it doesn’t come so easily. At one point I would have said a lyrical writing style, but I’ve been consciously trying to write in a more grounded style. IDK, hahaha. I am a pro at using the thesaurus?

16. What are your writing weaknesses?

Plotting. Plotting. Plotting. How to rising action? What is conflict? The three-act story and Hero’s Journey are the banes of my writing existence. (I do like the brackets idea from Brandon Sanderson, though. That’s helped a lot.)

17. What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in a fic?

I’m with @intyalote​ on this, unnecessary in the vast majority of cases. In non-dialogue, as well.

18. First fandom you wrote for?

Harry Potter, I think? Though I either didn’t publish them or took them down soon after.

19. Fave fic you have written?

Ooh, this is hard. I kind of have a love/hate relationship with allll of them. Maybe Days in the Sun and Every Heart Sings a Song*? Two of the longest.

I will tag @cortue​ and @privateeye-cj!

(* I have complicated feelings about Every Heart, because reading it now, I can see how badly I f’ed up the main character’s characterization. I did feel like her characterization was a struggle while I was writing, but it’s even more obvious to me now. But still. The fic contains some of my favorite lines.)

#circ talks #on writing #edit: added link for brackets

[youngbloodlisk]

Kitten // Kim Younghoon

"Your dirty, slutty dream came true, babygirl."

- hard rough dom younghoon

- smut with no plot whatsoever

- thank you to my subconscious for giving me dreams about this

- and thank you 🌙 anon for giving me more and more ideas relating to this and coaxing me on with this whole scenario and getting me super needy and inspired to actually write this out. you're a real one

- "accidental" miniature voyeurism w jacob

- choking

- oral (fem rec)

- unprotected sex WRAP IT BEFORE YOU TAP IT

- filthy

- degradation

- fluff near the end if you turn your head and squint

- usually i leave the first line before the cut, but since this one jumps right in with the smut i don't think i'm gonna leave the first line lmao

- the title is rlly just bc this is the first time i've properly used the pet name "kitten" in my writing lol

He presses on my back, arching it further, before returning his hand to my hip.

Younghoon is slamming his body against mine at a rapid pace, hitting extremely deep every time. With my back arched more, he can now reach even further inside me.

Explicits roll off my tongue and I press my face into the sheets to muffle my sounds. My hands are grabbing and clawing at the sheets like my life depends on it.

My his sweatshirt is still on my body, but bunched up. The only part of me that isn't exposed is my chest, a bit of my back, and my arms. Meanwhile, he's still fully clothed, with his pants just low enough to have his cock out.

He actually likes to use the excuse that he's self-conscious, but I know full well that he isn't insecure at all around me or any of the guys anymore. I can also just tell when he's lying. I think he doesn't wanna admit that he finds it super hot to fuck me with as many clothes left on as possible. I'm not gonna complain though. It is pretty hot.

My vision is starting to get blurry, and my body almost feels numb to my mind. All I can think about is how good he's making me feel.

He's mostly silent, letting out a few low grunts and growls, unless he's talking to me.

He digs his fingers into me, clearly starting to lose himself in the feeling.

My body jolts with each thrust from him, but only slightly, thanks to his ever-tightening grip on my hips.

I stare at the door, which is wide open, as I have been almost the entire time Younghoon's been drilling into me like this.

I've been waiting and waiting for someone to walk by and see way more than they bargained for.

I'm sure they've been avoiding walking this way though, as the sounds have definitely given away what's taking place.

My whining, my muffled moaning and screaming, his grunting, and skin against skin...

So, I'm not sure why Jacob ends up walking by the door... or why he stands there and watches for a moment, frozen, locking into my tear-filled eyes.

I struggle as I try to prop myself up on my elbows, trying to at least be in a position that wasn't so humiliating.

Younghoon is quick to notice this, and notice why I'm doing it.

"Your dirty, slutty dream came true, babygirl. Someone caught you." He says in the most condescending way possible before going even harder and faster (which I didn't think was even possible).

My arms go entirely weak and my face falls back onto the mattress with an embarrassing, involuntary cry of pleasure.

Jacob quickly realizes he's been watching, and turns to leave, but not before accidentally letting his smirk show.

"Did you notice how hard he was getting, kitten? I bet he's going to his room to jerk off thinking about you getting ruined like this..." I clench around Younghoon at his words. "Oh, you like that, you slut?" His hands leave my hips, one of them wrapping around my stomach and the other wrapping around my neck. He tightens both grips and pulls my body up to be as far against his as possible without pulling out.

Younghoon's sweet, yet (in this context) demonic voice whispers in my ear.

"I hope you always remember that you're only mine to ruin." He emphasizes words with hard thrusts. "You know I'm the only one who can make you feel like this, don't you, kitten?"

All I can force out of my mouth is mumblings and whispered moaning, my brain entirely going haywire as his hold on my neck tightens again and he thrusts up into me.

My legs feel like gelatin.

"I've got you speechless, huh?" He lets go of me, let's my almost limp body fall back onto the mattress before grabbing my hips again, and drills into me.

He's truly showing no mercy.

"Tell me, kitten... do you think Jacob would fuck you like this?"

"N...No-" I barely squeeze out.

"Who fucks you like this, huh? Say his name."

"Y-Younghoon..." It comes out like a whisper.

He digs his fingers into me again, on purpose this time.

"Say it loud, you slut. Who?"

"Younghoon!" It would have taken all of my energy to scream his name the way I did, but it didn't. He started to rub circles on my clit while still pounding into me, causing me to scream his name naturally.

I can feel his ego rise by the second.

He gives me no warning, besides his thrusts becoming jerky and inconsistent, before he coats my insides with his cum.

He pulls out once he's done and I whine, being so close to my own release and suddenly having nothing.

My hand reaches down to touch myself, but he grabs my wrist and pushes my arm away. Younghoon flips me over and within seconds has his mouth attached to my pussy.

I swear that we're gonna get a noise complaint because my hand is doing a really shitty job at covering my screams and moans as Younghoon licks and sucks on me, pulling me closer and closer to the orgasm of a lifetime.

My toes are curled tight and my chest rises and falls intensely.

He's told me a million times when he's being this rough that I'm not allowed to touch any of him without permission, so no matter how badly I wanna tug on his hair, I resist.

One hand holds tightly to the sheet while the other one covers my mouth.

Younghoon glances up at me and grabs my hand, pulling it away from my mouth and holding me by the wrist.

He stops just long enough to say:

"Be loud, kitten. I love hearing your voice."

His lips wrap around my clit and he sucks hard, finally allowing my orgasm to wash over my exhausted body hard, and I moan his name loudly.

There's no way that a single person in the house isn't aware of what's just happened.

He licks between my folds to help me come down from my high, careful to avoid my clit so he doesn't overstimulate me too much.

"Younghoon!" Sangyeon's voice yells from across the house. "Did you forget about the Love Revolution cast event tonight? Jihoon's outside with his car to pick you up!"

"Oh shit..." Younghoon's eyes go wide and he quickly starts taking off his casual clothes. "Tell him I'll be there in just a minute!"

I laugh when he falls over trying to pull his sweatpants off, and he remembers my presence. "Babygirl, I'm so sorry I have to just leave you like this." He rambles as he gets dressed in some nice clothes as fast as possible. "Don't go home, stay here tonight. I promise when I get back I'll cuddle you and give you kisses and talk to you as long as you want. I'm so sorry, I know it's just terrible of me to be that rough and then immediately leave you. You know I wanna be here to care for you-"

"Younghoon, shut up." I chuckle, sitting up on the bed. "I do know you wanna stay, but you have responsibilities. It's okay, really. I'll be here when you get back, baby. Just have a fun night with your cast-mates, okay?"

He finished tying his shoe and sighs, coming over to me and landing a sweet kiss on my lips. I can still taste myself on him.

"I love you." He says with the most thankful and gratitude, as if to imply a "what did I do to deserve you?".

"I love you, too."

"Kim Younghoon!" This time it's Jihoon's voice, clearly coming from the front door.

"Coming!"

Younghoon hurries out of the room and I notice he left so fast that his phone is still sitting the bedside table.

I grab it and follow after him, silently thanking this sweatshirt for being long enough to fully cover my bare body. My legs are still pretty much fully exposed, but as long as no one sees me walking around with my ass hanging out, that's fine by me.

"Younghoon! Phone." He turns and I toss his phone to him, which he catches swiftly.

"Thanks, baby. See you later."

"Have fun!"

I feel a few pairs of eyes on me and look around to notice Kevin, Chanhee, Sangyeon, and Jihoon all staring at my legs.

"Park Jihoon!" Younghoon mocks Jihoon's tone from before.

"S-Sorry!" Jihoon follows Younghoon out the door, but Younghoon quickly peeks his head back in before the door shuts.

"No one touches my girlfriend or they're dead, got it? But look at her all you want." He tosses me a teasing look and a wink, finally closing the door behind him.

#ciiikbwork #kim younghoon smut #younghoon smut #tbz smut #the boyz smut #im gonna tag my anon under here too #bc they helped a TON with this #🌙 anon #crescent moon anon

[xbaepsae]

it’s complicated (m)

“You are long past the point of no return. The rational part of you is screaming that this is a terrible idea, that this is bound to ruin your friendship with Tae. But you can’t find it in yourself to really care. You want him, so badly you are about to burst.”

[taehyung x reader]

genre: friends with benefits!au, eventual friends to lovers!au, a lot of angst, smut

word count: 14.4k

rating: mature

warnings: loss of virginity, toxic relationship, confused/frustrated characters, unprotected sex (10/10 don’t recommend), oral, creampie, language, mentions of alcohol

a/n: this is a reupload! i honestly wasn’t going to post this fic again, because i have so many other new ideas i want to write about, but i reread this the other day and it’s actually so good?? lol. i wrote it so long ago, but wowowow i still felt the angst in my soul. also, fyi, like all of my reuploads, i’ve changed a few things (not the overall plot tho). xoxo

It all began in tenth grade English class.

At first, Kim Taehyung seems any other kid in your class—perhaps, a little loud at times but still just a boy. But that was just until you were partnered with him on a project. Least to say, you two became fast friends once you realized how funny the guy was. He could bring a smile to your face no matter the circumstances.

This friendship between you two blossomed quickly; but soon, there’s a slight shift in the air around you both.

“Y/n,” Taehyung says your name, sprawled on your bed with you.

It’s summertime, which means days seem to drag on and on. This also means that you two have nothing better to do, choosing to lazily lounge around each other’s houses. Your parents are never home anyway since they worked, so having Tae’s company is always greatly appreciated.

But despite the lackluster summer, school starts in a few weeks and the thought is bittersweet. You are happy to be occupied again, but also sad since going back to school means you no longer get to spend so much time with Taehyung. Although you both became close at school, that doesn’t mean you’ll always get to be around each other there.

“What?” you ask, turning to look at him.

“So, this might sound a little weird…but…” he trails off. “Fuck. I can’t; it’s too weird.”

You turn so you’re lying on your side, “What is it, Tae? We’re friends, right? You can tell me anything.”

Taehyung glances at you, clearly struggling with himself.

“I-I…can I kiss you?” he asks the question so fast you think maybe you just imagined it. But when you notice that his face is beat red, you realize that you did hear him right. This causes you to flush as well, a weird sensation beginning to bubble through your body.

“Where is this coming from?” you manage to ask him.

“I don’t know,” Tae admits with a shrug.

You find yourself shifting awkwardly on the bed as silence starts to fill the room. What are you supposed to say? Taehyung is your friend; you enjoy being around him and he makes you smile. But he wants to kiss you…what is that even supposed to mean?

“You know what?” he suddenly breaks the ice. “Forget I even said—”

“Okay,” you cut him off fast, not even fully registering what you say.

Taehyung snaps his head to you, mouth dropping, “What?”

“I said okay—you, I mean, we can kiss.”

You say all of this relatively calm, despite the fact that you feel like your whole body is on fire. Tae stares into your eyes, seemingly searching for something. “Are you serious?”

“Yeah,” you gulp nervously. “I mean, this is just for fun, right?”

Something passes over Taehyung’s eyes, but you don’t catch it fast enough. The emotion fades away and you can only assume it didn’t mean anything.

“Yeah…fun,” he says, licking his bottom lip.  

Unintentionally, your eyes travel down to his plump lips and you can’t seem to look away. Has he always had such nice lips? You find yourself asking all these questions that you don’t even notice how close Tae has gotten to you, merely inches away. His breath gently fans across your face and the reality of the situation hits you. This is going to be your first kiss…ever. And to say you are freaking out would be an understatement. It’s not that you so much oppose the idea of kissing, you just haven’t met the right guy.  

Looking into the eyes of your friend, you feel warmth flood your cheeks. “Tae…”

He blinks, “Yes?”

“Have you ever kissed someone?” The question rolls off your tongue.

Instead of answering your question, Tae does something else you don’t expect. Of course, you know it was going to happen eventually, but the action simultaneously takes your breath away and surprises you.

He kisses you.

Your eyes close on their own accord, reveling at how soft his lips are as they cover yours. A part of you almost can’t believe that you’re kissing him—Kim Taehyung; your friend, the boy you do everything with. What’s most unbelievable is that you actually like kissing him.

As the kiss becomes deeper, you feel yourself being pushed against the bed; Tae’s body covering half your own. You open your mouth a little wider, letting his tongue press against your own. His hands are now on each side of your body, slightly tangled in your hair. After a while you pull away, gasping for air.

“Oh my god,” you mutter breathlessly, blowing some air out of your mouth.

Taehyung is still above you.; and when you look into his eyes, you almost jerk away. “Y/n…”

“Hmm?” you ask, shy all of the sudden.

And then it hits you—he probably thinks your unexperienced ass is a bad kisser. This thought makes you feel like a total fool. It’s just flat out embarrassing because you surprisingly liked kissing him and he thought you—

“Can I kiss you again?”

You almost fall off your bed. “What?”

He lowers his head until his hair brushes your face, “I’d like to kiss you again…”

At his words, you can feel your whole body flush from a mixture of relief, excitement, and embarrassment.

“So…I’m not a bad kisser?” you find yourself asking.

Tae snaps his gaze to you, “What would you think that?”

“I-I,” you feel your ears getting hot, “I don’t know. I just thought that since…you know…I’ve never kissed someone, I probably sucked.”

Before you can explain yourself some more, he captures your lips again—effectively silencing you. This kiss is a lot quicker than the first one, but it leaves you just as dizzy and at a loss for words.

“You’re great,” he says, a cheeky smile gracing his face. You can’t help but return the smile since his is just so contagious.

The rest of this day is spent with more so-called just-for-fun kisses. The highly rational part of you claims that this is all normal—that making out with your friend is completely fine; but the emotional part of you knows that everything will never be the same—that making out with your friend is sure to have its consequences.

***

When school starts again, you almost forget about Taehyung’s kisses.

The keyword is: almost.

In your busy school schedule, you manage to somehow snag a free period. It’s a godsend, especially since you needed a study hall period to balance all the homework you had. Since it was a free period, you can spend the hour anywhere in the school. And you end up choosing one of the back corners of the library where the reference books are.

No one ever comes to this part of the library anyway, except for the librarian but that was rare. So, it’s nice and quiet. You spend the first few days of study hall doing what study hall is supposed to be used for—studying and completing homework. But as the end of the first week rolls around, you discover that study hall might not be so quiet anymore.

This particular day of study hall starts off normal. You arrive at the library, which is pretty much empty except for a few scattered students here and there, and make your way to the corner you’ve pretty much claimed as your own. When you reach that part of the library, you set your things down and pull out your homework. Just as you start the fifth problem on your calculus worksheet, someone suddenly covers your eyes.

You let out a scream, but it’s muted by a hand. You begin to furiously kick and you turn around, prepared to fight. And just as you bring your hands up, your eyes regain their sight and you see who is responsible for the unexpected attack.

“Taehyung!” you scream, and he covers your mouth again.

“Be quiet, y/n!” he reprimands. “Don’t you know this is a library?”

With his hand still over half your face, you roll your eyes. When he finally removes his hand, you roughly shove the boy. “What the fuck, Tae?!”

“What?” he asks rather innocently.

“What?” you mock. “Why did you have to do that? Can’t you see I’m busy?”

He just shrugs and takes a seat beside you, “I just wanted to surprise you, that’s all.”

You return your attention back to your worksheet, ignoring him. You manage do a few more problems before Tae speaks again. “Aren’t you going to ask me why I’m here?”

You don’t even look up. “I honestly don’t care.”

“I mean, are you not the least bit curious as to why I’m not in class right now?”

“No, I don’t care why you’re not—” you snap your head up. Holy shit. “Why aren’t you in chemistry?”

The moment you two received your schedules, you compared classes. Unfortunately, you both wouldn’t share any classes together until after winter break. And while you had your free period, Taehyung was supposed to be in chemistry…so, why is he here in the library?

When he doesn’t respond, you freak out a bit, “Oh my god, Tae! Why are you skipping class? Your teacher is going to be so—”

Taehyung interrupts you by suddenly placing a chaste kiss in your lips. You’re struck speechless for a moment, completely caught off guard.

“I switched my class,” he says with a smile.

“Why did you do that?”

“So I could do this for a whole hour,” he says, then places another kiss on your lips.

You laugh at his words, “You know we can’t actually do that, right? I really need this study hall to do homework.”

He absentmindedly waves his hand, “Yeah, yeah—you can do that too, I guess.”

“Are you serious though? You really changed your class just to come here and make out with me?” As you ask your questions, you are just teasing him. But at the same time, a smidge of you feels a bit dejected if all he wants to do is kiss you.  

Not that you didn’t like kissing Taehyung, because all the kissing you two had been doing is great, but it made your relationship seem superficial if that was the only reason.

“Of course not,” he assures you. “I also really just want to spend time with you too. To go from spending every day together to practically not seeing each other is weird.”

“Agreed,” you smile. “How did you find me anyway?”

It was a logical question. Although Tae did know before that you had study hall, you never told him where exactly you spent your days.

“I just followed you from your last class,” he says like it’s nothing, but your eyes widen.

Another what the fuck leaves your mouth as you stare at your friend, “You’ve been in here the whole time?”

“I mean, I had to find where you were somehow,” he tells you. “By the way, you walk so damn fast.”

You roll your eyes at the boy, not understanding him at all. Even though he had unconventional ways of doing things, in the end, he still made you smile. For the rest of the hour, you somehow find the time to finish your math worksheet in-between the kisses that Taehyung keeps giving you. When the bell rings, signaling the end of the hour, you begin to back up your things.

“Where you headed to now?”

You look at Tae and tell him where, even though he knows the answer already, “English. You?”

Health. “Health.”

“Well, I hope you enjoy that…”

“The teacher isn’t that bad,” he smiles as you give him a look.

“He’s terrible,” you say. “End of discussion.”

Taehyung picks up his bag, smile still ever present, “Just because you didn’t make an A—”

“End of discussion.”

You sling you backpack around your back and begin to walk away. But before you can even get far, something pulls you back. You land right onto Taehyung’s chest; being this close to him, you can feel the slight muscle definition under his flimsy uniform and warmth pools in your chest.

“What?” you ask, turning around.

“Have a good rest of your day,” he says. “See you here tomorrow?”

Nodding, you open your mouth to respond, only to be interrupted by Tae’s kiss that he gives before dashing away. He leaves you alone scattered brain and at a loss for words.

“…See you,” you say once your brain can finally function again. “Tomorrow.”

***

Afternoons spent in the library become something you look forward to everyday.

Even though it’s only an hour, it’s an hour you cherish with Taehyung. Some days, all you do is homework—completely ignoring the poor boy who simply wanted your attention; and other days, you two talk and talk and talk about anything and everything. There is never a dull, quiet moment between you two. There is always something to be shared; to be told.

Because of this, your admiration for the boy grows more and more each day.

You are captivated by the stories he tells you in that vacant part of the library. From the way his animated eyes light up to the wide curve of his boxy grin, an hour never feels long enough. As he tells you his stories, all you can do is stare and smile. You’ve only known Taehyung for a few months, but it feels like you two have been friends forever.

…Friends who kiss, a little voice in your head always likes to remind you.

Kissing. You two are doing that quite a lot now. Every chance he has, he plants his lips on to yours. The action makes you swoon and confused all at the same time. You just don’t get it. It’s not that you don’t enjoy all the kissing, but it’s confusing. Does Taehyung like you? Or does he not? And it’s that you want to be with him, as his girlfriend…though perhaps a small part of you does, but you want him to be clear about his relationship with you.

And that clarification never comes.

Tae continues with the kisses, and you just learn to accept the fact that maybe your friend just likes to kiss you. It get to the point where you no longer even question or become surprised when the action appears out of nowhere.

But little do you know that this is just the beginning of something tragic.

***

In the blink of an eye, the fall semester ends.

You and Taehyung rejoice as you both finish it rather decently; getting good marks in all of your classes. Celebrations are in the making, but a spontaneous trip from your parents brings all plans to a halt.  

“You’re going where?” Taehyung asks you, eyes wide and mouth parted.

“To spend the holidays with my aunt who lives in the States,” you repeat, not able to look him in the eyes.

You two have been laying in his bed playing video games, until you dropped the bomb on him. And it’s not like you’ve known about the trip for a while, you just found out from your parents yesterday. Honestly, you hadn’t planned to do much during break. If anything, you just wanted to spend time with Tae and catch up on sleep. But then your parents surprised you, and you couldn’t say no.

“B-But…that’s an entire ocean away.”

You look at the boy who has easily become your best friend, “I know—and it’s not like I really want to go, but I haven’t seen my aunt in a while. Plus, my parents already bought me the ticket and—”

“It’s okay,” he cuts your explanation off, a strained smile encasing his face. “You enjoy visiting your aunt.”

“Tae…” you know he’s probably really mad.

He only shakes his head “No, really, it’s not like we didn’t already makes plans to hang out or anything.”

“Taehyung,” now you find yourself getting mad. “Stop.”

“I’m just bummed, y/n. What am I supposed to do during break now?”

You shrug, “I don’t know. Go to a party, get drunk, and maybe kiss a few girls.”

As you say the last part, your heart starts hammering in your chest. You don’t even know why you said it at all since you can’t even begin to imagine it happening. Just the thought of another girl kissing Tae makes you green with jealously. But you know you don’t even have the right to feel such things; you aren’t his keeper.

You wait for him to respond, but he doesn’t say anything.

“I was joking,” you attempt to laugh, but it sounds forced. “But really—have fun. You don’t need me for that.”

And that’s when he gives you a look that nearly paralyzes you. His gaze is filled with so many emotions you can’t decipher, and it travels down to your core. He stares at you for so long you feel your blood pressure start to spike.

“I guess,” he says in a lower voice. You don’t know what else to say, so silence begins pooling in his room. It becomes too much to handle so you get off the bed.

“I should go,” you say, awkwardly getting your things. “I still have to pack.”

“Are you leaving tomorrow?” Taehyung doesn’t even look at you; instead, he stares at the ceiling.

You’re about to nod, but then catch yourself. “Yeah, I am.”

“When do you get back?”

Hesitation gnaws at your lips, “The day before school starts again.”

You search your friends face for a sign—any sign—but he’s completely passive. A sigh leaves you lips as you back out of his room. When you reach the door, you stop and brace yourself against it.

“I’m sorry,” you apologize for reasons you don’t even really understand. But Tae is still in the same position and doesn’t even glance your way. You sigh again before muttering a soft goodbye and leaving.

The entire time you’re away, you don’t get a single message or phone call from him.

It wouldn’t have affected you so much if you knew why. Obviously, Taehyung is mad at you, but you didn’t know the reason. And the boy has never been angry at you before; so you don’t know how to deal or how to make it better.

Even though you don’t know why he hasn’t tried to contact you, it doesn’t stop you. When you landed in the States, you texted him. On Christmas Eve, you called three times. On Christmas day, you called and left a ridiculously long voicemail—along with a few extra texts as well. Despite these efforts, you get nothing; you don’t even know if he’s reading these texts because he doesn’t have his read receipts on.

So, a few days before New Year’s, you decide to go home early. You don’t want to end the year on a bad note with Tae, and you also don’t want to start the year off not speaking. Somehow, you manage to get back the afternoon of New Year’s Eve. And the second you get home, you go to his house.

Knocking on the front door like a maniac, you pray that he hadn’t taken your advice and decided just to lounge around his house over break. Your heart is beating erratically as his mom answers the door.

“Oh, hi y/n,” she greets you with a warm smile. “How was your trip?”

“Hey, Mrs. Kim; it was good. Is Taehyung home?” you cut right to the chase.

But disappointment begins to fill you when her smile falters, “I’m sorry, y/n; he’s actually hasn’t been home all day.”

You nearly fall to the ground at her words. “What? Do you know where he is?”

“I’ve tried calling him, but he hasn’t answered. I guess he didn’t know you were coming home?”

“Yeah, I wasn’t supposed to be home for another few days,” you admit, and his mother nods. “I-I just couldn’t…I mean…I just…I missed him.” Saying the words out loud brings a weight off your shoulders, but also makes your chest ache.

“He’s missed you too,” she says, smiling again. “He’s been sulking around the house this entire month—I think today’s the first day he’s been out.” They do say that mothers know best, so knowing that Taehyung missed you makes your heart soar high.

“Do you have any idea where he might be?” desperation laces your words.

Mrs. Kim shakes her head, “He has old friends, but I don’t think he’s talked to them since meeting you.”

Why is this so difficult? You continue your conversation with his mom to think about the boy’s whereabouts, but soon realize how late it’s gotten. You figure that you should probably just go home. So, feeling a bit defeated, you wish his mom a Happy New Year and walk back to your house.

On the way there, you run through various places he might be. You try to think back to before you left—to the plans you two made together. Did he mention anything in particular that he wanted to do? You replay old conversations and then it suddenly hits you like a freight truck. Quickly, you whip out your phone and call Yoon, one of your childhood friends.

After three rings, she picks up, “Hello? Y/n…?”

“Hey…” you trail off.

On the other end, you can hear a heavy bass thumping, “Well, I haven’t heard from you in a while.”

You tell her that you can’t hear anything she’s saying, so she moves somewhere quieter and repeats her words. You can’t help but roll your eyes at her petty tone. “Like you even have time for me. You and your boyfriend are always—”

“So, what’s up?” she cuts you off and you laugh a bit.

“Where are you?”

“At a party at Jay’s house, why?”

Bingo. “Thanks, that’s all I needed to know.”

“Woah,” you hear her say, “is little miss goody-two-shoes going to make an appearance?”

“We’ll see,” you tell her.

After hanging up, you run the rest of the way home. The party Yoon was at was hosted by the one and only Jay. He’s a senior at your school and notorious for his parties. They are the best, but exclusive to upper-classmen—juniors and seniors only. Everyone couldn’t wait until they were promoted to those grades.

The one thing you remember Tae saying was that he wanted to attend one this year—that’s where he has to be tonight.

***

As you walk up the steps to Jay’s elaborate mansion, it was beyond huge, you feel your nerves twist up in a bundle. You figured that since this is a party, albeit a New Year’s Eve party, you should probably look somewhat nice—just so you kind of blend in. You opt for a black dress that hugs whatever curves you do have and your basic strappy heels. Hopefully no one’s going to question you.

When you reach the door, you’re surprised to find that it opens easily. Walking in, you’re blown away by the sheer amount of people. You thought that since the house is so big, there would be room inside. Wrong. People are packed wall-to-wall.

As soon as the door shuts behind you, you see Yoon standing not too far from you. Relief fills you at the sight of a familiar face. You call out her name and she, thankfully, hears, turning around to your direction.

“Y/n!” she exclaims, running up to you. “You look sexy!”

You feel a blush creep onto your face, “Thanks?”

“Who you dressing up for?”

“I’m just trying to blend in,” you say, brushing a few strands of hair away from your face. “But can you help me find someone?”

“So, there is someone,” she wiggles her brows. “Who?”

“Taehyung,” you say his name all too fast.

“As in Kim Taehyung?” Yoon raises a brow. “Is he that guy you’ve been hanging out with?”

“What other Taehyung is there? Have you seen him? I think he’s supposed to be here. God I hope—”

Yoon places a hand over your mouth, “Clam down, tiger. I’ll ask one of Jay’s friends—they know everybody.”

You watch as she walks away from you and to a guy a few feet away. She whispers something in his ear and he nods, whispering something back. Yoon seems pleased with the answer and comes back to you.

“So?” you ask impatiently.

“They say he’s here,” you immediately brighten up, feeling like a genius for guessing his location right, “but they don’t know where exactly he is.”

Your eyes automatically begin searching the room, “That’s okay; I’ll find him. Thanks again Yoon.”

Before Yoon can say anything else, you’re lost in the crowd of sweaty people. As you walk through the crowd, your eyes desperately search for his. This is going to be impossible—there are so many people here. You walk through the numerous living areas and even the kitchen, but there’s no sign of Tae anywhere.

After a while, you check the time and see that it was an hour until midnight; an hour till the start of the New Year. And you’re on the verge of going back home. The feeling of jet lag is starting to weigh you down as the adrenaline begins to drain away. The flight back home was long, and you couldn’t really sleep due to the anticipation of everything that awaited you here.

You are now walking down some hallway, the music of the party booming behind you. The sense of direction’s completely loss to you—you have no idea where you were. But just as you’re about to reach the end of the hall, someone comes up behind you.

They grab ahold of your body and drag you into an open room. You scream, kicking your attacker. You try to fight the person, but they’re no match for your puny self. On the verge of tears, you’re about the give up when the person finally speaks, “Y/n…”

You freeze. You would know that voice anywhere. “Tae?”

The attacker lets you go and you slowly turn around, shocked to see the face of your friend. But the shock soon fades into something strange when you take in his appearance—the boy actually looks nice. His hair is disheveled in that messy, but put together, way and his clothes sexily cling against him. You feel your mouth drop open, but you pick it up just as quickly as it falls.

Suddenly, you push him, and he stumbles, “What the hell?”

“Why do you always feel the need to sneak up on me? Asshole,” you cross your arms.

He cracks a smile, “You’re just fun to mess with.”

“It’s not fun for me, you jerk. I was seriously freaked out.”

Taehyung softens at your words, “I’m sorry; I just wanted to surprise you.”

And that’s when you remember why you’re even here at all. You suddenly feel awkward, not knowing where to look.

“Why…why didn’t you return any of my calls?” you ask him, staring at the floor. “I mean, I know you’re mad. But you couldn’t text me back?”

You sneak a look at him, and find that he’s staring intently at you.

“And like, I don’t even know why you’re mad at me. What did I do wrong? Was it because I went away? Or was it something I did? I just—”

Tae cuts you off with a kiss that causes you to nearly trip on your own feet. The kiss is intense and you feel him back you against the wall, encasing your body with his. You haven’t kissed him in nearly a month; you’ve forgotten how it feels like, how alive he makes you feel.

His hands begin traveling up your body, each touch igniting a fire inside of you. He stops when he reaches your face, his long fingers roughly cupping your cheeks. You bring your own hands to tangle in his hair and gently tug him closer to you. His starts to rub little circles on your cheeks, while simultaneously prodding your mouth further open. You oblige and feel his tongue massaging yours.

Suddenly, you let out a moan as Tae presses his body right onto yours. Despite the layers of clothing between the two of you, you can still feel the body heat coming off of him. At your moan, he freezes for a moment before kissing you back with much more force. He pulls the two of you away from the wall and you both fall onto a bed.

The dress you’re wearing begins to ride up, but you don’t care at all; you just want to be closer to him, needing to be closer to him. You pull away from his lips to breathe and he takes that opportunity to latch his lips onto your jaw, slowly moving down your neck. Another moan leaves your lips and you try to think, but your mind is complete mush right now.

All you can do is lay there as Tae begins to suck on your neck. Although you two had kissed multiple times before, things have never gone this far.

“Tae…” you say a bit breathlessly, his finger now pushing the straps of your dress down. He mutters something incoherent, mouth on the swells of your breast. “What are we doing?”

He stops, raising his head, “I’m worshiping your body, what else?”

You redden as his comment.

“Do you want me to stop?” he asks, a brow raised. When you simply shake your head, his lips travel back to your chest.

Without even realizing it, you start to move your hips against his. A pleasurable pressure starts building up and you whimper at the feeling. Taehyung stop his assault on your skin, eyes now looking into yours. As he stares at you, his fingers play with the zipper on the side of your dress.

“This dress is awfully pretty on you,” he licks his lips. “But I think it’ll look prettier on the floor, don’t you think?”

And faster than you can even comprehend his words, the dress is unzipped from your body and you’re left half-naked in your underwear. Impulse kicks in and you try to cover your body at the sudden lack of coverage. But Tae takes your arms, pinning them above your head.

“So beautiful,” he muses, eyes darkening.

You writhe underneath him, not liking the fact that you’re nearly naked while he’s still completely clothed. When you tell him this fact, he releases your arms and begins to unbutton his shirt. You can’t help but stare at his golden skin and his broad shoulders. He reaches for the waistband of his pants, unbuttons it, and then tugs the fabric down his legs.

Tae smirks at your obvious staring and leans down to kiss you again. The rest of your clothing, or whatever was left, comes off and you’re both left completely exposed to each other. Now without all the clothes between you two, you can feel every ridge of his body and desire threatens to burst out of your body.

“Do you want me to stop?” he asks you again, resting his forehead against yours.

You shake your head, “No.”

“Are you sure?” his eyes search your face. “Because if we start, I-I don’t think I’ll be able to stop.”

Grabbing his face between your hands, you kiss him, “I’m sure.”

You are long past the point of no return. The rational part of you is screaming that this is a terrible idea, that this is bound to ruin your friendship with Tae. But you can’t find it in yourself to really care. You want him, so badly you are about to burst.

Even though you assure Tae that you want this, he still hesitates above you. As he rolls a condom on, you lightly kiss his jaw and tell him that you’re okay. But although you say this, you feel your body tense as he nears your entrance. This is your first time after all, and you realize Taehyung is becoming a lot of your firsts. When he finally enters you, you scrunch up your face from the initial discomfort. “Ow.”

“Shit,” you hear Tae mutter, stopping halfway.

“It’s okay,” you bite your bottom lip. “Keep going.”

He pushes the rest of the way, “You’re so fucking tight.”

You still feel a sense of discomfort, especially since Tae’s large size fills you up to the brim. Despite this, you tell him to keep moving in hopes that maybe the awkwardness will fade into something better. And a few thrusts in, it does feel better—a lot better.

Tae’s pace is still rather slow, but the pleasure starts to build up and he drops his head into the crook of your shoulder. You moan for him to go faster but he doesn’t, probably due to the fear of hurting you.

So you tighten your legs around him, “Tae—harder, faster.”

Something in him snaps and his thrust become shorter, but quicker. The force causes your eyes to roll back and you cry out at how good it feels, “Fuck.”

He groans your name, one hand roughly digging into your hips. It all feels so good, and you’re surprised by how vocal you are—a moan always seems to be leaving your mouth. But you don’t care at all if anyone hears. You continue to moan as you feel your peak building. Sweat rolls down both of your backs, and you can feel Tae’s thrusts getting sloppy.

“Ohmygod,” you say in a single breath. “I’m gonna—”

And just as you’re about to say the words, waves of ecstasy crash down on you. You cry out Taehyung’s name, the feeling completely indescribable. He continues to ride out your high before reaching his own. After he releases, he falls on top of you and presses a gentle kiss on your neck. You both don’t say anything for a few moments, still trying to catch your breaths.

“Are you okay?” Tae is the first to speak. He mumbles this question into your neck.

You nod your head, “Yeah…are you?”

“I’m…good. Better than good, actually,” he raises his head, smiling. “You’re beautiful, y/n.”

You blush at his words, not knowing how to respond.

“But, you are quite loud though,” he says. “I’m sure the entire house heard us.”

He laughs and you push him away, forgetting that he’s still inside of you. You both moan from the loss of contact, feeling sort of empty now. Once he’s away from you, you remember just how naked you are and rush to pull the blankets over your body. But you wince a few times due to the soreness you feel.

“What are you doing?”

“Covering myself,” you say once the sheets are pulled all the way up to your chin.

“I just saw you completely naked though,” Tae laughs.

You raise a brow, “And?”

“And?” he repeats. “And you shouldn’t have to cover yourself.”

“Let me live, Tae.”

“Why’d you come back early?” his sudden question throws you off a bit.

You look at him, seeing genuine curiosity in his eyes, “I just wanted to see you.”

“Really?” he looks shocked.

“Yeah,” you feel embarrassed now. “I just…didn’t want to end the year on the bad note or start the year off with you hating me.”

His gaze softens, “I don’t hate you. I was just frustrated. You’re my best friend, and you leaving felt like you were betraying me.”

“Stupid,” you say.

“Okay, so maybe I was,” he rolls his eyes. “But speaking of the New Year…”

He searches for something amongst the clothing items scattered on the floor. You have to force yourself not to look at him as he bends down to put his clothes back on. As he looks for whatever he’s looking for, you search for your own clothes and do the same. Once he jumps back on the bed, his phone is in his hand. He presses the home button and smiles.

“It’s 11:59; make a wish!” he says and you quickly shut your eyes. But before you can even fully think of something, he crashes you into a hug, planting a chaste kiss on your forehead. “Happy New Year, y/n!”

You smile, “Happy New Year, Kim Taehyung.”

“Thanks for being the best. Forgive for being an ass and not calling back,” he says, still hugging you tightly. “Friends still?”

“The best of friends,” you’re still smiling, but it’s forced. You feel your face tremble, your hands shaking a bit as you cling onto him. A sudden, lone tears falls down your face.

Best friends. Just friends.

As you utter the words in your head, your heart sinks deeper and deeper.

***

As the years roll by, you’ve come to terms that the relationship you have with Tae has morphed into a friends with benefits ordeal. It’s that kind of situation because no one knows what you two are doing—no one but you and Tae. Everyone continued to believe that you both were just best friends, but behind closed doors you two were fucking. A lot.  

At first, you were hesitant to accept that this was to be your reality. You didn’t want to be a friend that he fucked; you wanted to be more or nothing at all. But you couldn’t lose the boy; he was a part of your life and you needed him. And it just so happened to be via this relationship.

But that’s not the only thing.

Since you two weren’t exclusive, and no one knew, it meant you technically could date other people—which you guys did. Initially, you were green with envy. You didn’t like the idea that he was being intimate with other girls who weren’t you. But you realize it was foolish to think that since you were doing the same thing.

During senior year, you dated someone just because you felt obligated to. Also, Tae was in a relationship as well so you needed the distraction. You were intimate with the guy, but he wasn’t Tae. And you hated yourself for thinking that.

You also hated yourself even more for always caving into Kim Taehyung. No matter the situation, you could never say no to him. You ended up having to break up with that particular boyfriend of yours since you cheated on him one too many times.

When it was time to go to college, it was the only logical choice for you both to attend the same school. You needed Taehyung just as much as you needed air to breath. The application period was nerve-wracking because you were scared that you two wouldn’t get into the same schools. But by some miracle, you did.

College was honestly a blur. Because of your friendship with Tae, it was hard to stay in relationships with other guys. You tried to date other people but it never felt the same. No one else knew your body as well as Tae. He knew exactly what you liked, and exactly how to do it.  

It was frustrating.

There were many times you wanted it to end, but Taehyung would just show up right back at your door and your selfish self let him right back in. It was a never-ending cycle. And in all honesty, it was a toxic relationship. No one should be so caught up with someone they weren’t dating, and yet here you two were—a terrible exception.

You were always terrified that people would find out about you and Tae’s secret, especially your parents. What would they even say? As much as they loved Tae, you were sure that they would be disappointed. They would be probably be most unhappy about the fact that you ruined so many potentially great relationships over a boy who didn’t even love you.

At least, not in the way you deserved to be loved.

“Do you love me?” you randomly asked one day.

Perhaps it was the sexual high that messed with your brain, but you’re not sure why you decided to ask him the big question. Tae was still breathing hard beside you, recovering from the sex you two just had.

“Of course,” he breathed out, “you’re my best friend.”

You heart sank a little, “So, like, that friend-love then?”

“Why are you even asking?” he turned to the side, facing you.

“I don’t know,” you shrugged. “Just curious, I guess.”

But you did know. Despite it all being no-strings-attached, you started to feel a little too attached.

You weren’t sure when it occurred, but you suddenly started noticing the little things. Even though you had known Tae for years, you never realized how fond you were of everything he did. Of all the people in the world, you didn’t understand why it had to be him. He didn’t love you beyond a friend, and he probably would never feel anything more for you. So, why did you continue to let him fuck your brains out? You didn’t have an answer to that.

After college, you tried to stop seeing Tae all together, but the boy was so damn persistent. He just didn’t know how to leave your life. It was like he was torturing you; dangling you on a minuscule rope that hovered above an ocean. But despite the torture, every time you saw him, your heart grew more and more for him. It was a strange feeling honestly; being so incredibly fond of someone, but also wanting to be far away from them.

Every night, you wondered why life turned out to be this way for you—stuck in an unrequited, friends with benefits relationship. As you thought these things, you couldn’t help but realize how fucked up it all was.

A part of you wished that you had never decided to come home early that New Year’s Eve so long ago. If you hadn’t come home, you wouldn’t have called Yoon. If you hadn’t called her, you wouldn’t have gone to Jay’s stupid house party. If you hadn’t gone to that damn house party, you wouldn’t have let Tae fuck you for the first time. If that night would’ve never happened, you wouldn’t be here questioning everything.

But would that have really changed anything?

***

You down another shot glass.

A friend from work invited you out to her birthday party, and you figured it would be an intimate affair since she was rather quiet. She also told you to bring a plus-one, so you dragged Taehyung out too because you figured you needed someone to talk to. Instead of a small party, you found yourself in a club filled with many people. And you are now alone, your plus-one nowhere to be found.

The moment you two entered the club, Tae wandered from your side. Out of the two of you, he has always been the more social one; making friends everywhere he went. You managed to find the friend who invited you, but you didn’t get to talk long—like you had predicted earlier—and simply ended up at the bar.

“Did you want another one?”

You look at the bartender, eyes slightly narrowed, “What do you think?”

“I was just asking,” he says, wiping the inside of a glass. “I mean, you’ve had a few.”

You take the briefest moment to do a once over of the bartender, and you smile a little to yourself—he’s kind of cute. Even though you swear you only stare at him for a second, he catches you and pink tinges your cheeks.

“I wasn’t looking at you, I swear,” you say, looking anywhere but at him.

He just laughs, “It’s okay; it’s not every day a pretty girl stares at me with drool forming at the corner of her mouth.”

You widen your eyes, “I was not drooling!”

“Kidding,” he smiles, and you feel your heart warm just a bit. “What’s your name? I’ve never seen you here before.”

“Y/n, and I’m only here for a birthday…though it’s quite obvious I’m not really participating. What’s your name?”

“Hoseok,” he says, and you repeat it in your head a million times.

A smile forms on your lips, “Nice to meet you.”

As am easy conversation forms between you and Hoseok, you can’t help but laugh at everything he says. It feels nice to laugh, especially since it feels like you haven’t done so in a long time. In this moment, you feel kind of glad you decided to come out tonight.

“So, about that drink,” Hoseok asks, face close to yours.

“I’d love another—”

Before you can finish your sentence, you feel a sudden presence behind you.

“I believe she’s fine.”

You turn around, eyes meeting Tae’s. “What are you doing?”

Instead of saying anything, he just grabs your wrist and pulls you off your stool.

“Tae!”

With his free hand, he reaches inside his pocket and pulls out a few bills. He throws them on the counter, telling the Hoseok to keep the change. You struggle against his hold, not understanding why he’s doing this—you really wanted another drink and you wanted to talk to the cute bartender some more. And the last thing you wanted was to deal with Kim Taehyung.

He drags you both through the club, past masses of people. You’re not able to break free until he slips the two of you outside. As the door shuts behind you, a chill from the night hits you and you curse yourself for not bringing a jacket.

But even though you’re cold, a flash of anger heats you up momentarily, “What the hell, Taehyung?”

Rarely do you ever call him Taehyung to his face. At the sound of his full name being used, his mouth tightens and he looks at you. “I should be asking you that.”

“Oh my god,” you roll your eyes. “You’re being ridiculous.”

“Why were you flirting with the bartender?” he asks, eyes narrowing.

You cross your arms over your chest, “The bartender has a name, and it’s Hoseok.”

“So you guys are on a first name basis?”

“He asked for my name, and I was not flirting with him,” you say. “We were just talking.”

“Hmm…I guess we have different versions of talking then; I don’t recall talking including his face being two inches away from yours,” Tae practically yells, and you can’t believe this is actually happening.

“Like you’re one to talk! I saw you walk away from me when we got here to go talk to girls, you hypocrite.”

He scoffs, “I was not talking to girls.”

Just recently, there’s something off in your friendship; a loose screw. For some reason, you two are fighting a lot more; finding the dumbest things to pick out and argue about. Also, Tae has picked up a habit of being overprotective. It makes no sense why he suddenly feels the need to act in such a way.

“Seriously, you need to chill out,” you tell him, not understanding why he’s being so unreasonable.

“You should take your own advice.”

“Maybe I will,” you sigh, turning around and walking away from him.

You only make it a few steps before an arm pulls you back, “Where are you going?”

“Didn’t you say for me to take my own advice? Well, I am; which means I’m leaving,” you say before pushing him away and walking again.

“Y/n,” he says your name, but you don’t care to stop. “Y/n.”

You throw up a middle finger, still walking down the street.

“Fuck. Stop it, you idiot. Let me just drive you home.”

“No,” is your immediate response, but you doubt that he can hear you. All you really want to do right now is take off all the damn makeup you are wearing and sleep.

“Y/n,” Tae repeats, “I’m sorry. Please stop. You’re angry at me, I know, but let me just drive you. I’d hate for you to walk home. It’s dangerous and I don’t want you to get hurt.”

Stopping halfway down the street, you look over your shoulder. Even under the dim lighting of the streetlights, you can see the sincerity in his eyes. You walk back to him, nod, and then walk to his car. The whole ride to your apartment, you two don’t speak. Instead, soft music from the radio fills the silence. Aside from not talking to him, you also angle your body away from him; you choose to look out the window, watching the night come alive.

When he stops in front of your building, you quickly unbuckle yourself and get out of the car. You practically run to your door, not wanting to let Tae say a single thing to you. And, thankfully, he doesn’t. As you lock your front door behind you, you look out through the little peephole and see that he hasn’t left yet. Shockingly, it takes him a few minutes to leave; when he does finally drive off, you sink to your knees.

***

The next evening, someone knocks at your door.

At first, you’re hesitant to open the door since you didn’t plan on anyone coming over. When you check to see who it is, your eyes widen. Unlocking the door, you shift awkwardly on your feet, “Tae? What are you doing?”

In front of you, he stands with a bag of takeout, your favorite, and a bottle of wine.

“I brought food,” he says, pushing past you to walk inside. He leaves you standing at the door confused.

“Why?” you follow him into your small kitchen, crossing your arms over your chest.

Tae looks at you and raises a brow, “I can’t come over and bring food?”

You don’t respond because he knows why you’re questioning him. You are still mad at him for what happened last night at the club. He had no right to act the way he did.

“I’m hurt,” he feigns sadness, clutching his chest. “I thought we were best friends?”

“We are,” you say, and he smiles. “But you were an asshole yesterday.”

The smile on his face falls, “I know, and that’s why I brought your favorite takeout.”

“You’re trying to apologize through takeout?”

“Is it working?”

You roll your eyes; you can never win. Although you want to be mad at him, you know that you can never be. “Maybe.”

A smile graces his face again, the corners of his eyes crinkling. “Great; that’s better than no.”

He grabs your hand and walks you both into the living room. Taking the boxes out of the paper bag, he hands you your favorite dish and digs into his own. As you two settle on the couch, with the TV play some random movie, you can’t help but stare at him.

After you slipped into bed last night, you stayed up and thought a lot about your relationship with Taehyung. You spent many nights thinking about him, but last night you finally decided on something: you are going to end the friends with benefits relationship with him. This decision came to you because you realized that you both aren’t happy.

You loved Tae beyond the lines of a best friend.

There; you finally admitted it.

As much as you wanted to make him happy, to him you are just the best friend. Nothing more, nothing less. Maybe that’s why you enjoyed Hoseok’s company so much last night—he actually gave you the attention you so desperately wanted from Tae. After all these years, you figured it’s time that he receives the happiness he deserves. You deserve happiness too, even if it means letting him go.

“What?” he suddenly asks, not looking away from the TV screen.

“Nothing,” you say, shoving some food in your mouth. Despite thinking these thoughts, you aren’t sure how to break the news to him.

After the random takeout night, everything returns to how it always used to be—the same cycle of a toxic, friends with benefits relationship. Each time you climbed into Taehyung’s bed or he yours, you swore it would be the last time. Hell, you even slipped it out once that it was going to be the last time, but he just laughed and carried on.

A few weeks go by, and you find yourself at Tae’s house once again. He invited you over to watch a movie, but you two are doing everything but that.

He’s pressed against you, peppering kisses along your jaw and down your neck. After so many years of being intimate together, Tae knows your body like the back of his hand. You moan as he slides a hand underneath your shirt to touch one of your sensitive breasts. His other hand begins to travel to the button of your jeans. Your body screams in anticipation, but he suddenly stops.

“Bed. Now,” he says, and then picks you up.

Tae carries you across his apartment to his bedroom, and sets you at the foot of his bed. You take a second to glance around the room you’ve come to memorize so well.

“This is the last time, okay?” your words are sincere tonight; after this, it’s officially over.

But Taehyung doesn’t even glance at your face as he discards your shirt on the floor. The next thing to come off are your jeans, and you’re left in only your underwear. This scene is all too familiar.

“Why am I always the first to get naked?” you ask.

He smirks, taking his shirt and pants off. “Better?”

“Much,” you say with a pang in your heart as you stare at the beautiful human being in front of you. In this moment, you see just how grown up Taehyung has gotten. He isn’t the lanky boy you met all those years ago anymore. Now, as your eyes travel over the golden skin that stretches over his toned body, he’s a man.

Tae proceeds to rip your underwear off and you slide his boxers off. He immediately pushes you back on the bed, hands spreading your legs apart. His lips attach to your inner thighs, leaving teasing kisses everywhere. You moan, begging him for more. So, he brings a finger to your entrance, smirking again.

“So wet already,” he muses just before replacing his finger with his mouth.

As he begins to lick you, you weave your fingers into his hair. “Yes, Tae. Oh my god.”

He looks up at you from where he’s positioned between your legs, and you nearly orgasm on the spot. The smolder in his gaze lights up your entire body. As he continues to use tongue, which you’re sure is magical, his eyes never move away from yours and you swear that you’ve never seen anything sexier in your life.

He applies more pressure and you pull his hair tighter, feeling yourself getting close. You moan and arch your back, hands fisting the sheets around you. Just as you’re about to see the stars, Tae suddenly pulls his mouth away. Immediately you whimper, not liking the loss of touch. You start to complain, but don’t get very far before he suddenly shoves two fingers inside of you. The fullness causes you to reach your peak, and you cry out his name.

“That’s it, you dirty girl,” he still pumps his fingers inside of you, helping you ride out your high. “So sexy.”

It all just feels so good, and you nearly question your decision. You lift your head up once you’ve recovered and manage a small smile, “My turn.”

Taehyung’s eyes widen for a moment and you take the chance to pull him onto the bed, flipping positions so you’re on top. One of your hands reaches for his cock, moaning a bit when you realize how hard he is already. You stoke his member a few times before bending down to take him into your mouth. In all honesty, you are never one to really give blowjobs. It’s not that you hate giving them, it just never fits the flow; Tae almost always goes down on you and then fucks you—he never really gives you many chances to return the favor.

But from the expression on his face, you know he absolutely loves it.

“Shit,” he groans as you take him deeper into your mouth.

His cock hits the back of your throat and you gag a bit, feeling tears forming in your eyes. Even though giving blowjobs is rather uncomfortable sometimes, it’s worth seeing the reaction from Tae. His breaths are getting heavier; he’s getting close. This fact prompts you to suck harder, paying more attention to his sensitive head.

“Y/n—fucking shit—stop.”

Your eyes meet his from underneath your lashes. Letting go of his cock with a pop sound, you ask, “Is there something wrong?”

Tae has never stopped you from finishing a blowjob before.

He runs a hand over his face, “It feels so fucking good.”

“Why’d you want me to stop then?”

He leans up and captures your lips in a kiss. You kiss him back hard, pushing everything into the kiss. He breaks away first, resting his forehead against yours. “I want to cum inside you.”

And before you can comprehend his words, he flips you over onto your stomach and lifts your ass up. Without much warning, he slams inside you. This is done without much effort because you’re still wet from earlier. You both moan at the feeling of being connected like this; he has always filled you up so well.

Tae grips onto your hips as he moves fast, thrusting into you relentlessly. All you can do is sink your head into the bedsheets and take the pleasure. You’ve always loved this position since Tae goes so much deeper, hitting all the right spots. The same pleasure from earlier starts to build up inside of you again, and you tell him to go harder. And he does, leaning over you so he doesn’t move out much and ends up going even deeper than before.

You moan into the sheets, the pleasure becoming almost unbearable. Tae begins to suck onto the skin of your shoulders, no doubt leaving hickeys. This act just adds to the pleasure and you feel like you’re about to burst. Suddenly, Taehyung flips you over onto your back and crashes his lips on you.

As he kisses you, his hips move faster and you feel so so close.

“Cum for me, baby,” Tae whispers into your ears, fingers finding your sensitive clit, and that does the trick.

Your orgasm hits you like a freight truck, tightening your walls around Tae. Within seconds, he reaches his climax too, releasing himself into you. After this, he falls on top of you. But unlike other times, he doesn’t stay in the position long and rolls over. His chest rapidly rises up and down, sweating covering his entire body. You try to catch your own breath, feeling your heart beating erratically.

He turns his head to look at you and smiles, “Fucking perfect as always, y/n.”

Placing a quick kiss on your forehead, he gets up to grab a rag to clean the both of you. Once you clean the creampie off of you, he hands you a t-shirt and pulls his own boxers on. He whispers goodnight and falls asleep immediately. You take in his sleeping form—long eye lashes, soft lips; he looks like an angel. You can’t help but bring a hand to his face, trailing your fingers along his skin.

After a few moments, you roll over; feeling the weight of the world on your shoulders. You shut your eyes tightly, tears flowing down your face. A silent sob racks its way through your body because this was the last time. You were serious when you said those words to him before. Being in this toxic relationship isn’t an option anymore—you can’t deal with being the girl he simply used for sex.

You craved intimacy beyond that.

You wanted something deep, all consuming. Was that so bad?

While Tae slept peacefully beside you, you couldn’t relax at all. The thought of you leaving him haunted you. Before anything, he’s your best friend; you don’t want to lose him. At the same time, though, you know that you can’t keep him in your life. You want so much more, and he can’t give you that. So in your mind, it’s better just to break yourself away entirely.

Before the sun rises, you quietly get out of Taehyung’s bed and grab your clothes. You decide to keep his shirt, wanting to be selfish one last time. When you have all your things, you finally look at his sleeping form. Your heart hangs heavy in your chest; it hurt like hell now, but you would be grateful later…right?

Slipping out of his apartment, you drive home feeling like a total mess. Once you make it to your place, you immediately crawl into bed and cry yourself to sleep.

***

It’s one of those nights again.

The world is asleep, yet you are still wide awake—heart aching, mind running a thousand miles an hour. No matter what you try, sleep does not come. It’s like life is torturing you.

Since you left Taehyung’s house that one morning, you haven’t been able to sleep well. Every time you thought you finally were going to drift into dreamland for the night, his face would creep right into your mind. His expressive eyes, the gentle slope of his nose, the curve of his boxy grin—it was all ingrained in your mind. And you hated it. You also hated how you could still feel his burning touch on your skin; the way his large hands caressed your body.

Not only couldn’t you sleep well, but Tae calls you every day. He blows up your phone, leaving a voicemail every single time.

Y/n, pick up the phone.

Call me back soon, okay?

Is everything okay? Are you okay??

What did I do wrong? Call me back.

I know you’re listening to these messages since your voice mailbox isn’t full…call me soon.

…please pick up, y/n. Please.

As you listen to each message, your heart breaks a little more. You’re at a point now that you feel like you don’t even have a heart since you just feel so broken. The longingness in your chest is about to burst, but you aren’t going to give in. You aren’t going to pick up the phone and give him the satisfaction of knowing that you desperately cannot live without him.

You can be strong for once. You can exist without Kim Taehyung.

Even though you don’t pick up or return any of his calls, that doesn’t stop him. It has already been almost a month since you last saw him, but he continues to call and call and call. He’s relentless and a part of you feels absolutely terrible.

In the second month, the calls are less frequent but still very present in your life. Tae still calls practically every day, leaving you those damn voicemails that break your soul. And as much as it hurts, you still listen to every voicemail. You don’t know why though because you still feel as shitty as ever.

By the third month, Tae only calls once, maybe twice, a week. You still give him props for being so driven. If it had been you in his position, you would’ve give up a long time ago. He leaves the occasional voicemail too, but you know better to not listen anymore.

Miraculously, you’ve managed to avoid seeing him all this time. You don’t really know how though, since you both live in the same city. But he hasn’t come to see you yet, which is surprising. This behavior was very un-Tae-like, but you’re thankful; if he was to show up at your door, you don’t know what you would do.

Without Taehyung present in your life, you didn’t know what to do with yourself at first. A person who was so essential to your being wasn’t there anymore. But after the days, weeks, and eventual months went by, you learn to just deal. Your co-workers were concerned at first—they didn’t know why you had suddenly changed. They questioned you a lot that first month and attempted to change your mood; it, however, died quickly when they realized you weren’t going to change.

But have you changed a lot?

You aren’t too sure.

The days continue to pass you by, and life is starting to get rather dull. It’s the same routine of waking up, going to work, and then coming home. Although it’s boring and less than interesting, you stick to it because it’s the right thing. And before you know it, six whole months go by and it’s almost the end of the year.

Life’s still boring, but you think about Taehyung a lot less now. He stopped calling after the fourth month and no longer consumed your every thought. You can breathe a little bit better now, but there are still some nights you laid awake wondering how he was doing. Knowing him, he’s probably doing great; Tae’s always able to adapt easily to situations.

With the end of the year approaching, you find yourself not to terribly excited about the holidays; after all, you’re going to spend them alone. Or so you thought.

“Hello?” It wasn’t Tae on the phone, but someone else who you haven’t spoken to in years.

“Hey, y/n.”

“Umm…hi?”

“You said your greetings already,” the person on the other line says, humor laced in their voice.

“Whatever,” you roll your eyes, “what do you want?”

They mock gasp, “Is that really the way to speak to someone you haven’t spoken to since high school?”

“I don’t know, Yoon; maybe because we haven’t talked since high school?”

“Goodness, no need to sound so sarcastic,” she says. “I was just saying.”

You have no idea why she’s suddenly calling after all these years. After high school, you haven’t kept up with anyone you used to talk to—besides Tae, of course. You’re surprised she still has your number.

“Like I said before, what do you want?” you ask, confused.

“Can’t I just randomly call you?”

“No,” is your immediate response.

“Look, y/n, I know we haven’t talked since high school, but we used to be really good friends,” Yoon says, “so I just wanted to call and invite you to a New Year’s Eve party I’m hosting at my boyfriend’s place.”

“A New Year’s Eve party?” This feels all too familiar.

“Yeah—it’ll be fun, so please come!”

You scrunch your brows, “Is it your same boyfriend from high school?”

“Oh god no,” she laughs. “I’m dating Jay now.”

In that moment, your mouth drops, “What?! As in, Jay from high school? As in, the Jay who hosted the best parties?”

“Yes, that Jay. We’ve been dating for a few years now,” Yoon explains.

“That’s so crazy,” you say. “Who would’ve guessed; but I’m glad you ended things with that boyfriend of yours from high school—he was a douchebag.”

Yoon laughs again, “You don’t even have to tell me; I don’t know what I saw in him.”

“Seriously,” you smile. “Especially that one time—”

“—he got so drunk the night before graduation, he received his diploma hungover and confessed he had a thing for a teacher,” she finishes for you and you both laugh so hard. You can’t remember the last time you laughed so much.

“Oh my god, that was ridiculous,” you say, recalling the memory.

“It’s really funny now, but I still cringe thinking about it sometimes.”

If you were her, you would cringe too, “Jay is totally a step up from that mess.”

“So you’ll come to the party?” she asks.

You shrug even though she can’t see you, “I guess so.”

“Great,” you can feel her smile.

“I mean, it’s not like I have anything better to do,” you tell her, and it was the truth—you really don’t have anything else planned. There’s no way in hell you’re going home to your parents for the holidays; without a doubt they’d ask about Taehyung and you aren’t exactly ready to tell them yet. Also, you’d probably run into his mom and that would be bad.

“I promise you won’t regret it.”

***

On Christmas day, you call your parents. They bombard you with the typical you should call more and come visit. You manage to avoid questions that are too personal and promise that you’ll visit…soon.

As you call the other important people in your life, including Yoon, your hands itch to call Tae. It was your first Christmas, since that trip to visit your aunt all those years ago, without him and it honestly feels weird. When you woke up this morning, your mind immediately flashed back to Christmases past where you always woke up beside him. The yearning you haven’t felt in a while starts to return, but you don’t press his number that you’ve never bothered to delete.

The days following Christmas are a blur as you wait for the 31st to arrive. Admittingly, you’re actually kind of excited for the party; it’s going to be your first social outing in a while. Yoon called and told you it was going to a dressy event, meaning nicer clothes, so you spent hours trying to find the perfect outfit. You don’t even know why you were freaking out about clothes, but you wanted to look nice.

You end up finding a burgundy dress with an exposed back that makes you feel really good, and you feel happy for the first time in forever.

When New Year’s Eve finally rolls around, you slip into your slightly scandalous dress ready to take on the world. Yoon sends you the address of the place and you drive for about thirty minutes before arriving at a mansion.

Of course, you think to yourself as you pull into the circle driveway. This dude would live in a mansion even as an adult.

At the steps of the mansion, a man stands there and you look at him puzzled. “Yes?”

“Hello, miss, we can take your car and park it for you,” he says and you realize this must be a really fancy event.

“Oh, okay,” you say and get out of the car.

“Just let Mr. Jay or one of our staff know when you’re ready to leave,” he tells you before zooming away in your car.

You turn around a few times in the driveway, not knowing what to make of the situation, before making your way up the steps of the lavish house. When you reach the door, you don’t even have to reach for the handle—it opens before you can.

“Y/n?” someone calls your name.

You smile, “Yoon.”

Your old childhood friend stands in front of you in a gold fitted dress, looking even better now than she did in high school.

“Oh my god—you’re so hot now what the fuck,” she practically screeches before tackling you in a hug. You can’t help but laugh at her action, before hugging her back. “How is this even possible?”

You pull away, “Look who’s talking.”

She rolls her eyes, “Compared to you, I’m a potato.”

“I mean, you managed to snag Jay so I highly doubt that,” you say to her, an eyebrow raised. “By the way, this place is huge.”

“Oh, I know. I told Jay it was too big but he said it was perfect,” Yoon shrugs.

You look around, taking in the elaborate décor and high ceilings. It was all beautiful, but a little too much room for your personal taste. “I mean, I guess it makes a good place to host parties?”

“That’s the plan now.”

As you continue to take in all the glorious details, you realize something, “Where is everyone?”

You look at Yoon, wondering if you were somehow early but that couldn’t be because you were on time…or at least, you thought you were. But your friend looks at your confused expression and smiles.

“It’s a big place, remember? The party is on the other side of the mansion,” she explains and in that moment, you can hear music emitting from somewhere far.

Yoon grabs your arms and you two make your way across the mansion. The deeper Yoon pulls you into the house, the louder the music gets. As the bass starts to shake the floor, you start seeing more people. Actually, you start seeing a lot of people.

“Oh shit,” you say to yourself, surprised by the sheer amount of bodies.

“I know,” your friend yells in front of you and you’re surprised that she heard you. “This is technically my party, but it seems like Jay ended up inviting the whole city.”

Although there are many people present, it’s not like a party you would’ve attended back in high school. No one is dancing provocatively or getting wasted—everyone is just doing their own thing. Yoon walks you into a room with high ceilings, a glittering chandelier right in the center. The extravagant sight parts your mouth in awe; exactly how rich is Jay?

“Well, this is the party,” Yoon says after you close your mouth again. “Before you leave, come find me okay?”

You nod a couples times before you register her words, “Wait, what?”

“I have to go find Jay,” she shrugs.

“And you’re just going to leave me?”

Yoon smiles, “You’ll be fine.”

“What was the point of inviting me if you’re not going to bother to entertain me?” you might’ve appeared rather sarcastic, but you’re internally freaking out. You don’t want Yoon to leave you; what are you supposed to do? This party’s not your forte and you don’t know anybody else but her.

“I’m sure you will find someone else to entertain you,” she says, already walking away from you. What was that supposed to mean?

And with that, your only friend at the party abandons you. Suddenly, you find yourself feeling out of place in the sea of people. You quickly walk away from the center of the room and don’t stop until you find a bar. You pour yourself a drink, half-leaning against the wall. As you glance around the room, you feel slightly envious of everyone. They all seem like they’re having a great time…and you’re not feeling that same excitement anymore. You are so immersed in your thoughts, you don’t even notice the figure behind you. And you definitely do not expect to feel a hand on you.

Out of instinct, you jab your arm into them; but they stop you, grabbing a hold of your hand. You turn around, ready to give them a piece of mind. But when you realize who is behind you, the world seems to stop.

“Wha—” your mouth falls open, not able to form proper words. “T-Tae?”

The last person you expected to see is inches away from you, and you can’t even think.

Your mind is completely blank, devoid of any thoughts as you search his features. Not much has changed about him—same curved lips, nose perfectly sculpted by God himself. If anything, he just looks tired. Tears threaten to spill when your eyes finally meet his; in his gaze, you see all the emotions you’ve felt these past six months. Confusion, pain, anger, numbness—you see it all and it kills you inside.

In your rationality, you thought he would be okay; you thought that he didn’t need you. Now, you see that he’s hurt, and you’re the cause of it all. Fear spikes your system. You need to get away from him before you cause any more damage. But as you try to back away, you realize that his grip on you is tight.

Without saying a word, he forcefully pulls you forward and drags you through the crowd of people. Thankfully, no one really pays you two attention as Tae maneuvers the both of you away from the center of the party. You have no idea where he’s taking you, but you don’t try to resist because there would be no point. Tae turns into a hallway and opens a random door, shoving you inside. He locks the door behind him, and finally turns to face you. You can’t even look at him, feeling shameful that you’re actually in his presence again.

Silence fills the room before he talks, “Why?”

You stare at the floor, not knowing what to say.

“Why?” he suddenly grabs both of your shoulders, shaking you. “Why did you leave me?”

You let him shake you, feeling deserving of the action; you deserved all the bad in the world for what you did.

“Did you not know how much of a mess I was, huh? I thought you were just mad at me; ignoring me for a couple days. But when you never called back, I didn’t know to do. Fuck,” he lets you go to rake a hand through his hair. “I was so angry. How could you do that to me? You ruined me, y/n. Why are you so heartless?”

By now, tears are pouring down your face; but you’re angry too. He was angry with you? He was a mess? “You think you’re the only one who was hurting?”

“Well, I wasn’t the one who completely cut you from my life.”

More tears spill from your eyes. He doesn’t get it. “You’re an asshole, Kim Taehyung.”

While he was angry that you didn’t return any of his damn phone calls in six months, you were disappointed that after all these years he still couldn’t see your true feelings. You might’ve not seem him in a while, but the same feelings from six months ago were starting to creep back and you didn’t like it. You have almost forgotten how much your soul longed for him.

“I’m an asshole?” he asks incredulously.

You don’t say anything; instead, you turn back around and start to walk towards the door. Before you can get far though, Tae pulls you back.

“Where do you think you’re going?”

“Away from you.”

“I haven’t seen you in six months and you want to leave already? Is that what you do best? Run away?” he asks.

His words are like a dagger to your heart. “Don’t ever talk to me again.”

“Why are you doing this, y/n? What the hell did I do?” he’s yelling at this point and the tears rush endlessly down your face. And before you can even help it, the words tumble right out of your mouth.

“You made me fall in love with you.”

The rooms falls silent and in that moment, you swear that you can hear Taehyung’s own heart beating. You can’t even look at him, feeling too embarrassed at your sudden confession. It’s the first time you’ve ever said the truth out loud; and even though you feel strangely liberated, a lingering feeling of rejection still harbors over you.

When the silence continues to swallow you up, you slowly start to regret ever saying anything.

“You know what? Forget I ever said anything,” you quickly say in attempts to clear the air. “I don’t even know why—”

“You’re in love with me?”

His words cause you to raise your head up and meet his eyes. There’s an emotion swirling in them that you can’t decipher. Since there’s no turning back now, you nod your head once and silent wait for his response. A few seconds pass before a smile morphs onto his face. The smile surprises you because you don’t get the gesture; why was he smiling?

“You’re in love with me?” he repeats his question, and you scrunch your brows as you nod your head again. “No, no—say it out loud.”

You blink a couple times, “Umm…I love you?”

“C’mon, say it more reassuringly.”

“I love you, Kim Taehyung,” you say with honesty because you do love him, you really do. The smile that graced his face a few seconds earlier is now a goofy grin that stretches from ear to ear. It’s a smile that scares you a bit because you still don’t understand the reason behind it.

“You,” he points in your direction before gesturing to himself, “love me.”

By this point, a string of laughter leaves you since he keeps repeating the same three words. “Yes I love you; why is that so unbelievable?”

“It’s not unbelievable,” he smirks and it is all so very Kim Taehyung. “But why did it take you so long to tell me? I mean, we’ve been friends forever.”

You slump against the wall, “And that is precisely the reason why. I-I didn’t want to ruin what we had already. You’re my best friend Tae, and I didn’t want to lose that. It also didn’t help that we were having sex together; I think that just made me fall harder, honestly.”

“I thought you wanted to keep it all no-strings-attached?”

“I did,” you sigh, “but it just all got so complicated.”

“Well, if it helps,” Tae starts, placing a hand along your cheek, “I’m in love with you too.”

He says it all so nonchalant that you barely catch the in love part. “You what?”

Tae looks down at you, now cupping both your cheeks, “I love you, y/n.”

“Are you just saying that because I confessed?” You’re in denial that Tae could be in love with you too because how can that even be? You were positive that he never saw you as more than a friend.

“Of course not; I think I’ve been in love with you since high school,” he admits, cheeks tinging a shade of red. “You were the cute girl in English class that all the boys liked, and I was just lucky to have gotten paired up with you on that project. When we became friends, it felt like a dream—I felt like I won the lottery. And because we were friends, I decided to suppress my feelings because you were important to me. But that winter break back in eleventh grade ruined me though. I have never regretted and cherished a night so much in my life.

“I figured I could live with simply being a friend who you fucked because I thought it was what you wanted. Now, however, I can see that we’ve been on the same boat all this time.”

When you hear his confession, you feel like so much heartbreak could’ve been prevented. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

He shrugs, “The fear of rejection, I guess. Being friends with benefits was comfortable and I was fine with it, until you completely walked out of my life.”

“I’m sorry,” you tell him. “I thought that was best. I thought you could live without me.”

“I could never live without you,” Tae’s eyes widen. “I was a mess without you these last six months. I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for Jay and Yoon.”

That’s when everything clicked, “You know Jay and Yoon?”

Tae smiles sheepishly, “Jay was a guy I used to hang with before I met you—our parents are friends. We haven’t talked in years and probably wouldn’t have if I hadn’t decided to go home to visit my parents.”

“You did what?” this news shocks you. “They didn’t…they didn’t ask about me, did they?”

“Don’t worry, I just lied and said you were busy,” he says and you can breathe again. “But anyway, when I went home Jay happened to be in town too and when we went out for drinks, everything just spilled out of me. He then told me that his girlfriend used to be one of your close friends and I begged her to get in touch with you. And, since you’re here…I guess she did.”

Wow. This is all so unexpected. “So, you all basically devised this party just so you could see me?”

Tae just nods and you roll your eyes before shoving him away from you. Taehyung looks at you like you’re crazy. “What the hell, y/n?”

“Why can’t you ever just grab my attention like a normal person?” you ask him, and a smile returns on his face. “Why do you always sneak up on me?”

“You’ve always be fun to mess with.”

As Tae smiles at you, you decide to be spontaneous. You take that chance to fling yourself into his arms, wrapping your own around him. Tae reciprocates the hug and lets his head fall into the crook of your shoulder. “I really am sorry and I really, really do love you.”

Even though you can’t see his face, you can feel him smiling into your shoulder. “I know and I love you more.”

“I don’t think that’s possible,” you tell him, smiling.

He raises his head, “I’ve loved you longer, idiot.”

“So? Time doesn’t determine the strength of someone’s love.”

“Yes, it does, because I loved you first.”

“No, it doesn’t because I loved you so much I was willing to let you be happy.”

“I love you more,” he says.

“No, I do.”

“I do.”

“Tae, I love you more—” before you can continue to express how much more you love him, he shuts you up with a kiss. You haven’t kissed him in so long, you can feel your head spinning. As his lips move against yours, you feel desires that you thought died start to come alive again. You mold yourself closer to him, needing to feel him against you.

You pull away from him and he moves down your neck, “Since you claim you love me more, you should show me just how much…”

He raises his lips of your skin immediately, “Oh yeah?”

Smiling, you nod and laugh when he picks you up. He walks you two to the bed in the room and throws you on it before climbing on top as well.

“I feel kind of bad for always using people’s bedrooms,” you say as he starts to unzip your dress.

“I guess it’s just our thing,” Taehyung smiles at you before leaning in for another kiss.

Our thing. You repeat the word in your head, and you swear you’ve never been happier.

#armiesnet #btsbookclub #bangtan bookclub #bts fic #bts smut #taehyung fic #taehyung smut #bts #bangtan #v #smut #angst #kpop fic #it's complicated #xbaepsae

[abbysfrenchbraid]

Little Harbor - Beach Day Part 2

Thank you all for the lovely feedback on my writing so far, it means so much to me. I’ve decided that the Beach Day Imagine needed a Part 2 and spent last night manically writing 6.6k words of fluff, angst and semi smut.

In this part, Abby and the reader finally make their trip to Little Harbor and spend the night at the cabin there. The reader finds out they don’t know everything about Abby and there are some things in her past that still weigh heavily on her mind. 

TW for death/loss (Seattle plot for the Salt Lake Squad), light nudity, language and mention of suicide and mention of blood

This ist the playlist I curated for this fic. Make sure you disable shuffle and listen to the songs in order for them to fit! (It’s called Little Harbor on Spotify and has a picture of Abby in the thumbnail)

Little Harbor

The last few days had been a blur of happiness and secrecy. Stolen kisses in empty hallways, sitting next to each other in the cafeteria with your knees touching, sunsets in the watchtower staircase, and sweaty hugs whenever you picked up Abby after her morning training. It was clear to you by now that there was no going back and no stopping this. You were absolutely, hopelessly falling for the tall blonde soldier and she actually seemed to feel the same, which was still unbelievable to you.

Abby had taken up work with some of the combat and strategy trainers, educating them on the different groups she had encountered on her journey and on their territory, tactics, and relationships with each other. Lev had come in to explain more about the Seraphites, their whistle language, and their infrastructure. Even though it was unlikely that the Seraphites or WLF would come knocking at the Fireflies’ door, they still wanted to know as much as possible about the current state of the world.

The Rattlers were a different story altogether. Lev refused to speak about them and even though Abby had told the Firefly leaders about them as soon as she was conscious after her emergency surgeries, there was still much to talk about. She tried as hard as she could to remember every little detail and she got incredibly frustrated with herself when she found gaps in her memory even though that wasn’t her fault. The torture and mistreatment at the hands of these bastards had been so immensely traumatizing that her mind refused to let her remember the worst parts.

While the past few days with her had been all fun and exciting, the evenings had been more difficult and it had taken a lot of strength from both of you to get through this together. Abby was just learning to confide in you and talk about her feelings while you struggled with being there for her the right way, having never experienced anything close to the terror she must have felt. After the first day in the strategy room, Abby had knocked on your door just as you were about to go to bed and practically fallen apart in your arms. The Fireflies had decided to send a few teams back to Santa Barbara to see if there were any survivors and capture or help the people they found, depending on their previous alliance. They had offered Abby to go back with them, which she declined, and made it clear that she had to try to identify every single person they brought back.

You just hoped that the only people left there were the other prisoners who had freed themselves. It would be horrifying to know that some of the torturers could soon be sitting somewhere in this very building, practically at arm’s reach from Abby and Lev.

Although the others had advised her not to, Abby had told Lev about all the plans and tasks to come and he had agreed to help identifying people but remained silent about his thoughts on all this.

Trying your best to make Abby’s first week as an official Firefly less hard on her, you had organized a mission for you both to go to Little Harbor. You were supposed to check up on the little cabin there, throw out anything that wasn’t necessary and stock it with a few supplies in case someone in the area needed them in the future. The best thing about Little Harbor was the beautiful beach that stretched in a perfect arc and had the most beautiful sunsets you had ever seen.

You had just talked to your friend in admin and gotten the confirmation for the mission. For a second, you debated telling Abby at lunch in an hour but you simply couldn’t wait. Rolling up the note with the assignment on it and shoving it in your back pocket, you rushed toward the east wing of the base, practically jumping with every step.

As you came closer to the strategy room, you heard muffled voices. There seemed to be a heated discussion. You really didn’t want to eavesdrop, but you were already at the door and didn’t feel like you should knock and interrupt them in the middle of their conversation.

“Oh come on, Abby, what are you not telling us? You have to know more about her than that!”

“I’m telling you, I don’t know where they lived and I don’t know where she is now! I met them the first time at the WLF outpost in the middle of nowhere around Seattle and the last time I saw her she was in Santa Barbara. She’s probably dead, anyway, she was injured and all alone.”

She? Who were they talking about? Abby had never told you about a woman in Santa Barbara. Maybe another prisoner?

Someone slammed a hand on the table.

“Jesus Christ, I can’t believe we lost her again after all this time. At least we know Joel paid for what he did at Salt Lake.”

This sparked your attention. You knew Abby had grown up at the Salt Lake outpost before the massacre. Was Joel the guy who killed all the Fireflies there, including the doctors?

“What do you want with her anyway?” That was Abby again. She sounded bitter. “It’s not like we have the means to make a vaccine, Joel made sure of that. You’ll see what she did with the rattlers when you get there. Maybe you’ll find her body, too, and I can finally have some fucking peace.”

There was silence for a brief moment. Then a woman said: “Alright, let’s take a break. The teams are driving out to Santa Barbara tomorrow, then we’ll see what we find. Abby, thank you for everything you’ve told us. Take some time for yourself, I’ll call for you when the reports are in and hopefully a few survivors, too. I’ll see the rest of you after lunch.”

You could hear feet shuffling and chairs being pushed around. Quickly, you tiptoed away from the door and halfway through the corridor, then you turned around just as the door opened. Abby came out first, frowning and with her hands balled into firsts. When she saw you, her face lit up and she relaxed, taking a few big steps towards you and awkwardly coming to a halt in front of you, just a little bit too close.

“Perfect timing, huh?” She smiled at you before nodding to a few others that passed you.

You forced yourself to focus and smiled back.

“Yeah, I came to tell you that our mission is approved. We can leave as soon as possible.”

“Oh, that’s great! Martha just said I could have the day off and probably need to report back in tomorrow night earliest. Should we just pack now and get going after lunch?”

“Good idea. Say we meet in the cafeteria in 15?” you suggested.

Abby nodded. “See you there.”

-

As you packed your backpack, you tried to process what you had just heard. Abby knew the man who had run amok at the Firefly Hospital and apparently he was dead now. There had been another woman in Santa Barbara, and she had something to do with a possible vaccine? You knew the Fireflies had been extremely invested in the search for a vaccine after the outbreak, but they had given up on it a long time ago. Now they just tried to build safe zones without any infected in order to build communities of Fireflies, other survivors, and anyone else who wanted to join you.

Why were the others so keen on finding the other woman? What did Abby have to do with Joel and the massacre at the hospital? And why was this whole thing still affecting her so badly after all those years?

You wanted to try to talk to Abby later and find out what had gone down in Santa Barbara and at Salt Lake, but you also knew she had been waiting for this day to finally come so she could get out of here and distract herself for a while. Who were you to ruin this by forcing her to relive her trauma all over again?

Closing the zipper on your backpack and throwing it over your shoulder, you decided to just take it a step at a time. First, you had to get some food into your stomach.

-

Abby was excited about the trip and spent almost the whole meal asking you questions about the bay and the cabin. She told you she had spent some time in cabins up in Washington with her old WLF crew, but it had been snowing back then and the summer here was just an entirely different experience.

Lev was a bit sad he couldn’t go with you, but you promised him a beach bonfire in the next two weeks. He was way too happy about his new friends and tasks to sulk about your little duo mission. The boy was a fantastic archer and was now tasked with teaching his craft to younger trainees and older soldiers. He was delighted at being taken so seriously by adults for the first time in his life. His lessons at school were going well apparently, he enjoyed history and biology a lot.

Abby was attentively listening to him talking about crop diversification and the produce grown here during the different seasons as a group of fully-equipped soldiers came into the cafeteria. They seemed excited about their mission and were making a ton of noise, jeering and shoving each other around as they picked up their rations for the next two days from the serving counter. Abby and Lev both went quiet, poking around in their food and seeming to be holding their breaths until the squad had left.

Lev suddenly looked up at Abby with tears in his eyes.

“Do you think any of the Rattlers survived?” His voice was high pitched and he sounded like he was about to choke.

“Oh, Lev.” The blonde put her arm around his shoulder, her hands looking huge on his small frame. “I have no idea, I’m so sorry. I’m pretty sure the other prisoners were freed and got their revenge. She also freed some of the walkers in the area. It must have been bad. We’ll just have to wait and see, but I promise they’ll never lay a hand on you ever again.”

There she was again, the mysterious woman. Now you’d at least have a valid reason to bring it up. The boy sighed, then he wiped his eyes with the back of his hand and straightened up. He waved over to a few other kids waiting at the exit.

“I need to go. Math class.” He grimaced and you and Abby both had to laugh. No one enjoyed math, but a certain basic knowledge was necessary for everyone here.

“See you tomorrow, Lev. I’ll bring her back safely,” you promised him and Abby rolled her eyes at you, but he gave you a genuinely thankful nod before tapping her shoulder as a goodbye and running over to his friends.

Abby smiled at you, her eyes lighting up as she remembered your plans for the day.

“You ready to go?” she asked, standing up and grabbing her backpack.

“Let’s get out of here.” You put on your backpack as well, took your plates and placed them in a plastic tub next to the counter.

In the empty corridor leading to the garage, Abby snuck her fingers between yours, sending sparks over your skin and making butterflies dance in your stomach. She pulled you toward her and after a quick glance left and right, she gave you a soft peck on the lips. You reacted instantly, burying your fingers in her hair and pulling her in for a second kiss, this time less innocent. Abby chuckled and grabbed your shoulder to push you away just a few inches and look you in the eyes.

You felt yourself blush and rubbed a hand over your eyes.

“Ugh, sorry, I just missed you all morning. Let’s just go.”

Grabbing her hand and pulling her with you, you entered the garage and quickly said hello to your coworkers before checking out the keys and leading Abby to your truck. Your colleagues didn’t lose a single word about the hand-holding and you were thankful for their discretion. They were your closest friends at the base and they knew you’d tell them more as soon as you were ready.

The drive out to the cabin took about an hour, one which you spent in blissful silence. You had rolled the windows down again and just like the last time, the summer air was whirling through the cabin and playing with your hair. Abby let an arm hang out of her window and took in the view of the different hills and forest patches, the beaches, and the beautiful meadows. She looked serene, completely at peace with herself and the world.

When you arrived at the cabin, it was better than you had remembered. The little wooden cottage was still in good shape, firewood was stacked up at the back and there was a small front porch with a perfect view of the bay in front of you. Two wooden chairs and a table stood on the porch, completely grown over with moss.

You fumbled with the keys for a second, then you were inside. All the curtains were drawn, bathing the dusty room in heavy yellow light before you opened them and looked around. Abby was still standing at the doorstep, uncertain of what to do.

The room was perfectly equipped with a little kitchen unit, a table with four chairs, a worn-out striped couch, and a decently sized bed, luckily covered with a big sheet to stop it from getting unbearably dusty. A narrow door in the corner seemed to lead to a bathroom. You put your hands on your hips and turned to Abby.

“Well, what do you think? Too dusty for your liking?”

The blonde snapped out of her astonishment.

“Are you kidding me? Y/N, it’s great! It looks so cozy, I think I’m gonna sleep better than I have for months.” She took a few steps toward you and wrapped her hands around your waist. “Especially when I’m sleeping next to you.”

“Oh, I thought you were gonna take the couch,” you said dryly. Abby’s eyes widened and you could tell she seriously thought she had overstepped until you wrapped your arms around her neck and snorted, immediately receiving a playful push backward that you put up with by holding on to her for dear life.

“You’re an asshole,” she laughed, “I got scared there for a second!” She planted a kiss on your lips and picked you up by your waist, making you squeal.

“I’m sorry, Abby, ahh! Please let me down!” you begged but you had to admit this was fun. The taller woman gently put you back on your feet, then she said: “Come on, let’s get settled here.”

She opened the windows while you tried the tap unsuccessfully before pulling the cover off the bed and revealing buttercup yellow sheets. Sweet. Abby used a towel to wipe the dust off the table before setting her bag on it and offering to take yours as well. She put all the supplies in the kitchen cabinet before announcing that she was going to find you some water.

“When you go outside, there should be a pump on the left side of the house. Make sure to pump for a while until you touch the water, it’s got to be disgusting,” you said as you started sweeping the floor with a broom.

“Yeah, I know how a cistern works, thanks.” She rolled her eyes at you. A minute later, you could hear the squeaking of the old metal pump and the gurgle of water seeing daylight for the first time in years. You put the broom in the corner and wiped your hands on your jeans. The bed looked inviting, but the beach called to you even louder. You could feel that this night would have a lasting impact on your life and your relationship with Abby.

After checking on the roof and the cistern, you made your way down to the beach and spent the afternoon swimming, reading, and chasing each other around. One time Abby actually tackled you too hard and you got sand everywhere - your mouth, your nose, your eyes, even under your bathing suit. Abby couldn’t stop apologizing and telling you how sorry she was and how she underestimated her own strength but you swore vengeance for later and laughed it off. In order to get rid of all the sand underneath your suit, you went into the water and took it off before whirling it around over your head and getting Abby all flustered.

You secretly wanted her to join you, but she seemed to be too timid to go that fast so you put your bathing suit back on and let yourself flop down next to her, purposely splashing water on her and making her squeal as the cold drops hit her hot skin. Following an impulse, you rolled over and on top of her, pressing your cold, wet body on her soft, warm back. This time, she forced herself to stay still and not throw you around again, instead resorting to cursing you and calling you an atrocious little eel, only making you laugh harder.

After a while, she gave up on fighting you and you rested your cheek on her warm shoulder, humming in satisfaction. This was nice. It would be even better when you’d lie next to her in bed.

The afternoon seemed to go on forever, time standing still as you two forgot all your worries and enjoyed living in this little bubble of sun, sea and happiness. Then, finally, the sun hung low over the sea, drenching the world in golden light and painting the water orange and the clouds pink. It was an explosion of light and color, the pure beauty you could only find in nature. Or in the person you loved most.

Looking over at Abby, you saw she was also watching the waves and the clouds, the soft light illuminating the tiny hairs on her face and arms and making the dried salt crystals that stuck to her skin glint like little diamonds. Her dark blonde hair was swaying in the slight breeze and her cheeks had a faint red tinge from the sun. She was mesmerizing.

You moved closer to her and drew your nose along her jawline, breathing on her neck and placing tiny kisses behind her ear and on her temple until she was humming and leaning into your touch. She slowly turned her head and grazed your open mouth with hers before running the tip of her tongue over your upper lip. She opened her eyes.

“This really is the most beautiful place I’ve ever seen. Nothing has ever made me feel like this,” she mumbled without drawing back.

“I’m glad you like it. I’ve been wanting to show it to you for a while.”

“I wish you would have shown me sooner. But I’m really happy you’re doing it now.” She turned her torso towards you and brushed her fingers over your thigh, leaving goosebumps in their wake. You could see the specks of gold in her iris, reflecting the last rays of sunlight and making her look ethereal and otherworldly. Oh god, how in the world had you found her? How had she found you? This was too good to be true, but you wanted to believe that it was, to believe that this moment could last forever.

In a desperate attempt to tell her all this, the beautiful chaos in your heart and your head that started spinning when you were with her, you leaned forward and kissed her. Hard, like you were scared this wasn’t real or it could be your last, then softer when you felt Abby tense up in surprise. She opened her mouth for you and you dragged your tongue against hers, tasting hints of salt and the fruit you had had earlier. You became more confident and placed your hand on her inner thigh which she took in with a gasp before grabbing the back of your neck and pulling you closer, her tongue now more forceful and demanding.

You couldn’t take the space between you any longer and crawled on top of her, straddling her hips as you looked down at her face, her green eyes half-closed and her mouth hanging open. The sun had said its farewells and vanished behind the horizon and the atmosphere created by the dusk suddenly hit you full force. Abby’s face was still softly lit by the pink clouds behind you while the sky behind her was a dark, heavy blue fading to black in the distance. She looked like a fucking painting.

“I’m so glad I found you,“ you whispered, running your fingers through her hair.

Abby answered by wrapping her arms around you and pulling you in. She kissed you with a burning passion, gentle but daring, sweet but hot, encasing you with her body and her mouth and pressing you so close that there wasn’t an inch left between you.

As she moved her hands down your body, pulling your hips closer and caressing your legs, she noticed the goosebumps all over your body and halted for a second.

“Are you cold, baby?”

You wanted to say no, but you had to admit you were starting to shiver under your still slightly damp swimming suit and wet hair, the evening breeze dancing around you and mocking you for getting so lost in the moment that you forgot everything around you.

“I really am,” you sighed, “maybe we could get some blankets and food and start a fire?”

Abby nodded and you struggled to your feet, feeling very naked and small all of a sudden. The blonde noticed your change of behavior and immediately got up next to you. She grabbed your books and towels and wrapped her dry one around your shoulders, rubbing up and down your arms a few times to warm you up before pulling you in for a tight hug.

“Come on, let’s get you inside and warmed up.”

Inside the cabin, Abby managed to light an oil lamp and fill the room with a wonderfully soft, yellow light. She slowly walked toward you and came to a halt right in front of you. Gently, she placed her hands on your shoulders and took the towel, placing it on a chair beside you. Then she hooked a finger under the strap of your swimsuit and slowly pulled it over your shoulder and down your arm, never breaking eye contact. Both of you were breathing heavily, the air between you felt like sirup and the world seemed to stop turning.

You laid a hand on top of Abby’s and moved with her, dragging the strap down your arm to expose a slight tan line and a hard nipple standing out into the cold air. Abby still hadn’t moved her eyes from yours, helping you pull your arm out of the strap and slowly pulling down the other one until your entire chest was bare. You could feel another rush of goosebumps chasing over your entire body while hot blood shot into your face and painted your cheeks in a deep red.

You both took a deep breath simultaneously, then you nodded at the tall woman in front of you. She lowered her eyes to your breasts and let out a shaky breath, then she raised a hand and drew her fingertips over your collarbone, down your ribs, and up between your breasts before brushing over your sensitive nipples and finally using both hands to cup your breasts. She stepped closer and bent her head to kiss you. You melted into her, her hands now all over your body, her hot skin on your cold flesh, and her mouth on yours before attacking your throat, making you throw your head back and let out an ecstatic moan.

Suddenly, Abby’s hands were on your ass and she picked you up effortlessly. You wrapped your legs around her waist and held on to her shoulders as she carried you towards the bed, sitting down on it with you in her lap. You buried your fingers in her hair and pulled on it as you ground your hips forward and kissed along her jaw.

In this moment, you felt something shift inside her. She tensed up, but not in a way that felt right in this situation. You let go of her immediately and leaned back to look at her, scared you had done something wrong or she didn’t want this after all.

“Abby, is everything okay?” you asked, your voice sounding strangely loud and panicky in the silent room.

She kept one hand on the small of your back while rubbing the back of her head with the other.

“Yeah, I’m sorry. It’s just - fuck…” You could see tears welling up in her eyes as she furrowed her brows and tried to keep it together. “You just reminded me of someone. It’s not your fault, you didn’t know. It’s just… you don’t know everything about me yet. Maybe it’s time you did so you can decide if you still want me.”

She averted her eyes and let her hands fall to your thighs. For the second time in minutes, you felt strangely exposed and out of place. You nodded, then you stood up and turned away. It felt like your heart was slowly tearing at the seams and pouring blood into your stomach. Why couldn’t this be easy? What was the secret Abby had kept from you? You couldn’t imagine not wanting her anymore. She was everything you had ever dreamed of, the only person that had ever made you truly happy and it was impossible for you to see a future without her. The thought alone felt like a knife to your stomach.

You quickly pulled a big hooded sweatshirt from your backpack and put it on before taking off the swimsuit and slipping into fresh underwear and linen pants. Out of the corner of your eye, you could see Abby getting dressed as well.

“I’m gonna get some wood from the back and start a fire on the beach,” you declared into the silence and rushed out the door without daring to look at Abby.

You piled up the wood on the sand, added some dried grass and small sticks in the middle and lit them with a match. The breeze had died down and the fire started at the first try. Abby came down from the cabin with two plaid blankets, a water bottle, and a small loaf of bread from your provisions. She spread one of the blankets on the ground and motioned for you to sit down, putting the second one around your shoulders when you had settled.

She sat down next to you and took a few gulps of water before handing the bottle to you. You were thankful for the cool liquid soothing your dry throat after the day in the sun and saltwater.

Abby took a deep breath, then she began.

She told you about her life at Salt Lake, growing up among the Fireflies, about her father, the surgeon, and the search for a vaccine. They had heard there was a girl who was immune and on her way to them, but only a few people believed it, her dad among them. When the day finally came, she had been out training with her boyfriend Owen and upon her arrival at the base, everyone was talking about the girl and the surgery her father was about to perform on her in order to try to develop a vaccine. There was an actual chance of salvation; everyone was enthusiastic.

Then the shooting had happened. Joel, the man who had brought the girl had suddenly changed his mind and abducted the girl straight from the operating table. He had shot everyone in his way. When Abby ran to find her father, it had been too late. Joel had killed him and with him the last chance of making a vaccine. Abby’s world had been destroyed in a matter of minutes.

That day, she had sworn vengeance. She had started training even harder than before and followed every tip she got to find Joel. The Fireflies had crumbled and she and a small group of friends had joined the WLF. Abby had broken up with Owen and everyone but her had given up on vengeance, but one day she had found Joel and his brother Tommy. She had brought them to the cabin where she was staying with her crew and she had killed Joel. An eye for an eye.

What she hadn’t expected was the young woman turning up at the last second to inevitably watch Joel die. They had left her and Tommy there and seen the matter as dealt with.

Then, suddenly, Abby’s friends had been killed one by one. This was at the same time she had met Lev and helped him flee from the Seraphites. In Seattle, she had come face to face with Ellie, the immune girl from way back and the woman who had watched Joel, her father figure, die at the hands of Abby. She had been the one to kill Abby’s crew trying to find her. Abby however had defeated her and Tommy once more and warned them not to come after her again.

Months after, just as they had made first contact with the Catalina Fireflies, Abby and Lev had been captured by the Rattlers and were tortured for weeks. One day, Ellie had turned up there and helped them escape before challenging Abby to one last fight to the death, threatening to kill Lev if Abby wouldn’t do it. They had fought a gruesome battle, both sustaining terrible wounds before Ellie had given up and let Abby and Lev go.

Abby didn’t know where she was now and if she had survived, and she didn’t care. She knew why Ellie had pursued her and she knew Ellie understood her reasons, too. Still, the loss they had suffered at the hands of the other was unbearable. Abby had lost everyone she had ever trusted or shared good memories with to horrific deaths and there would never be justice. She would never get them back and she would never understand why all this had to happen.

By the end of her story, Abby was sobbing. You had wrapped your blanket around the both of you and your hand lay on her thigh, but you didn’t dare to make closer contact. You didn’t know what to think of all this. What a waste. What a terrible, devastating tragedy. How horrible to suffer this much and have no one to blame, nothing to do with all the pain and grief.

Abby wiped her eyes with the corner of the blanket.

“I think, if I hadn’t found Lev, I wouldn’t have made it. I would have let her kill me. What was there to live for after everything that had happened?”

The thought of Abby dying was the final pull that ripped your heart to shreds. You pressed both of your hands to your chest to assure yourself you were okay, panting heavily as you tried to find something to say. There was nothing you could offer that would make this hell better for her. The realization was crushing.

You both sat in silence for a few minutes while Abby tried to calm her breathing and you tried to calm your thoughts. Finally, you broke the silence.

“I’ve loved Lev from the minute I met him and I’m so thankful he’s here.”

What you wanted to say, wanted to scream into the flames, was that you had loved Abby since the second you saw her, that she had your heart, that this was fucking confusing but didn’t change your feelings for her and that you would never give up on trying to be with her.

“That little boy has the biggest heart I’ve ever seen. He’s been through so much and he had to grow up in the span of a few months, but when I see him smile or hear him laugh or talk about fucking sustainable agriculture” - she had to laugh through a veil of tears - “I know it was all worth it. Every fight, every day in that godforsaken cell, every bullet. He’s my reason.”

Fuck it. It was better to tell her right now than to suffer the uncertainty any longer.

“Abby, I honestly don’t know what to say. I can’t even begin to perceive the horrors you’ve been through and I’m not going to act like I even remotely understand how you feel. What I do know is this: there is no one to blame in this whole terrible web of tragedy. What matters is that it’s over and that you now have the chance to live a life without constant danger and death and disaster. And I’m going to be at your side every day, no matter how long it takes for you to accept safety and peace and maybe even happiness into your life, even if it takes you forever. I have never felt the way I feel with you, I didn’t even know it was possible to love someone this deeply. I understand that you’re far away sometimes and I know there is still a lot of distance between us and you don’t have to reciprocate any of this, but I just want you to know . Know you are loved, know you have a place here, and know I will do everything in my power to help you through this.”

Abby’s eyes had gone wide at your monologue and she seemed completely blindsided by your confession. How had she not seen this coming? Did she seriously think she was just some fling to you? A little summer fun? What was she thinking?

The blonde stared into the fire, contemplating and kneading her fingers.

“Today was the first time I didn’t think of them for several hours. Ever since we arrived, I just tucked it all away in a corner of my mind and decided I could be sad tomorrow because today, with you, I would be happy.”

You held your breath and waited for her to continue, not daring to move or say a word.

“And I really was. Happy, you know? And you’re different, too. Owen was there for me so I was there for him. It just turned out I didn’t care for him as much as he did for me. And that really, really fucking sucks to know now that he’s gone. But I can’t change it. All I know is that I’ve never cared for anyone as much as I care for you. You’re constantly on my mind and I get irritated and impatient when I haven’t seen you for too long, usually meaning only a couple hours, which is a little pathetic if I gotta be honest.”

She looked at you and it felt like she was staring right into your soul. You were frozen, in disbelief at what she was telling you. She held out her hand and you took it, your fingers naturally slipping between hers and closing around her palm. How could two bodies fit each other that perfectly? Abby took a deep breath and turned her gaze to the fire again.

“I still have a long way to go with all this and the next few days are going to absolutely fucking horrible. I have no idea how I’m going to survive that. But with you by my side, I want to try. For you, for Lev, and for all the people I’ve lost. I owe it to them to make the best of the life I still have.”

She lifted your hands to her face and kissed the back of your hand.

“You, Y/N, have stirred something inside me I haven’t felt in years. It feels warm and hopeful and eager to see what the next day brings. And because I know tomorrow will bring a lot of pain, at the moment I just want to see what the next hour brings.”

You let your head fall on her shoulder and she put an arm around you. It had gone completely dark and the fire was slowly dying down, but you were warm and comfortable. The night was singing a bittersweet song for those gone too soon, the trees humming their wonderful tenor as the waves joined in with a whisper, the bats over your heads drumming their fleeting rhythm, and an owl completing the symphony with her wailing cries.

Abby started talking again and telling you stories about her time with the Fireflies while ripping off little pieces of bread for you both. One day, her and Owen had helped her dad free a zebra that had gotten caught in some wire. Her first kiss had been Nora, her closest friend and a brilliant doctor. Leah and Jordan had been the power couple at the WLF, brilliant together but also extremely annoying whenever they started wildly making out at parties or fucking in the bathroom thinking the others wouldn’t hear. Then there was Mel, part of the group but in a difficult triangle with Abby and Owen. She had been pregnant with Owen’s child when Ellie killed her. And Yara, what a wonderful young woman. Lev’s sister had stood by him and defended him when he had gotten in trouble with the Seraphites and she had done everything she could to protect him until the day she died. From that day on, Abby had taken that responsibility.

She also told you about her fear of heights and the trip through the sky with Lev, now laughing as she admitted how bizarre it all seemed looking back. It was nice to hear her laugh again and to finally really get to know her.

When the fire was nothing more than a few smoldering coals, Abby suggested going back to the cabin. You packed up your things and carried them back inside. Abby lit the lamp again while you folded the sandy blankets and put them to the side. Then you locked the door.

As you turned around, you could see Abby standing next to the bed, looking at you. Her features were only lit from the side, golden light flickering over her cheekbones and jaw. Her head was slightly cocked and her hands were restless again, searching for something to hold on to and finding only each other.

“Come here,” she said in a low voice. You felt yourself drawn to her by an invisible string, moving faster with every step until you clashed into her, hands and arms entangling, hot mouths pressed together. She let herself fall back onto the bed and pulled you down with her.

You couldn’t tell if the rushing in your ears was the sea or your own blood, but it didn’t matter. Abby’s calloused hands were exploring your back under the sweatshirt, her thigh was pressed between yours and her heavy breathing joined the harmony in your head.

You paused for a minute, staring down at the beautiful face beneath you, her eyes promising that she was all yours.

“You're so fucking beautiful,” you whispered, then you kissed her again and dragged her down with you into an ocean of pleasure.

-

Author’s note: After receiving amazing feedback from you guys and a demand for more, I’m currently in the process of writing a Part 3 for this! Thank you for your patience 💌 if you’d like, you can support me by buying me a coffee 💛

#abby anderson #abby anderson x reader #abby x reader #abby tlou2 #the last of us 2 #abby anderson fic #fanfiction #smut #fluff #angst

[zet-sway]

@the-wip-project day 35:

I don't know what today's question is but I gotta write a wall of text about what happened last night because holy shit

I was on the verge of falling asleep and, like I usually do, I decided to hunt for some spicy fanfics to read on my phone. I found one.

All my posts are long but this one is real fucking long. CW for touching on dub-con and injury mentioned in the type of context it probably shouldn't be.

It's time for me to admit that not only am I a oneshot writer, I'm also a oneshot reader. I am drawn to short fanfics. If I click on a chaptered fic, it's (usually) because it's rated E for smut and I'll go in with every intention of skimming it for the spicy bits. I'm not proud of this. I've avoided saying this for years because I don't want to disappoint people who work hard on their very long and well thought out chaptered stories. I have a short attention span, and I know what I want.

But anyway, last night I clicked on a fic with 5 chapters and some amount of words, around 30k? Long, by my standards, but I was tired and I just wanted something to read while I dozed off.

This particular fic hooked me in, though. I still skimmed it, but the writing was so unique in a way that made me writhe with writer's envy and admiration. Whoever wrote this had their own language - nothing borrowed - their own vision.

I guess I should tell the good people who read my posts (ya'll, seriously, thank you) that the fic in topic is called Fault Lines by Recidiva on AO3. I would link to it but uhhhh I may be using my work PC for "extracurricular purposes" right this moment ^^; so maybe when I get home I'll remember to add it.

I skimmed it - like I said above - for the spicy parts. It generally follows the plot of Bioware's canon. Thane begins as possessive and manipulative, likely uncomfortably close to dub-con for a lot of people. He kisses her and knows full well that his kiss will make her willing but intoxicated, and how he will use that to fulfil himself. But as the story progresses, he falls in love. Their relationship is what I'll call "edgy." Both of them are renegades. There's a scene where they get down in the shuttle after a fight and they're both still injured and it borders on downright unrealistic but fuck it, it's fanfic and I bought it. However their relationship develops a certain heart-wrenching tenderness. She asks him what Siha means over and over again, and eventually tells him she thinks "bitch" when he says it. But in that moment they have a playful banter, he knows full well she's probably already looked it up on the extranet, and they fall into bed together. The smut is mind-boggling.

By the time it gets to Shepard's arrest, he's taken up a place on Earth and visits her, breaks into her house arrest. There's a scene where they see each other for the first time in a while, she tells him how much she's missed his mouth and how it's not right how bad she wants him, and wants him bad enough to smother him with affection. She says something to the effect of "if you're looking to die, I'd volunteer to be the cause," implying that her lust is powerful enough to endanger his life. And it was at this moment I realized I fucked up.

It's established that I live in my own headcanon and I'm not burdened with considering the end of Thane's life as part of my fics. And the suspension of disbelief was such that I forgot he doesn't make it. So at this moment in the fic, chapter 4 out of 5, I realized "Oh shit this isn't going to have a happy ending." I skipped to the end right away, I wanted to confirm my fears.

In their final exchange, she asks him to lie to her - something that's repeated in other chapters of the story. I forget what he says, I was reading desperately, but he asks her in return to tell him something true. She kisses him and tells him she loves him, and he breathes his last breath with the lingering tingle of their kiss to carry him to the other side.

I was so entrenched in the depth of their relationship up to that point. The level of fathomless love the author conveyed, unlike anything I've ever managed to write before, but more realistic to my own understanding of love as I've experienced it. Not because they're renegades, but just the selflessness with which they feel, communicate, banter, and make love.

When I read that last paragraph, something inside me broke. That sounds dramatic but that's honestly how I would describe it. It felt like waking up from a night terror, when you bolt up in bed from a dream so bad you immediately get up even if it's 4am because nothing feels real and you're so terrified you have to get up and do something - literally anything to take your mind off it, to ease you back into reality. I put my phone down and stared into the darkness of my bedroom and told myself "it's just a fanfic, no need to get upset." And then I started to cry and I didn't stop for 30 minutes.

My husband was downstairs watching Bohemian Rhapsody and I went down there and wrapped myself around him so tight and cried. Bless this man, from the bottom of my heart - bless him - for his unfathomable kindness. I felt like a fucking fool because I was crying over fanfiction but he paused his movie and just listened while I tried to articulate how it wasn't exactly about the character death, or the characters at all, it was just the writing and how it wormed into my brain so convincingly. I felt the loss like it was my own loss. I am terrified of losing my husband. So many feelings coalesced and I realized one day I may be in that situation, kissing the man I love goodbye for the last time, never to hold him again. I'm at work right now and I'm tearing up because it's so hard.

I tip my hat to the author, but I genuinely wished I hadn't read that fanfic. And isn't it kind of funny after that grandstand I took yesterday about not wanting to write the pain of loss and grief, that I ended up reading it instead and probably fucking myself up just as badly, if not worse, than if I had tried to write it myself?

It gets worse, too. Because it got me thinking about my own writing, and how I could never hope to achieve what that author did. So I sat there crying out my painfeelings while simultaneously feeling like a shit writer and like nothing I put out matters. I got up from the couch, sat down at my PC and picked up where I left off in the Omega DLC in ME3 because video games are great for taking the mind off things. It didn't exactly help with the intensity I'd hoped for, but I managed to fall asleep, by 3am.

Fast forward to this morning. I dragged my sorry ass out of bed 4 hours later and drove to work. By some fucking miracle, no one is here right now except our field director. And I'm stewing in how this one fic really fucked me up bad, reconsidering everything. I feel like I've been put in my place.

So what changed?

Yesterday I posted about how I'm struggling to write a plotline. I know what happens, but I'm not interested in the little bits that tie it together. I want to write the romance. I think there's a way to write the plot and the romance at the same time, but it's damn hard.

I started doing this because I wanted to grow my skills as a writer, and I knew it might be more than I could chew. I'm at that moment now where I'm about ready to give up.

Even if I felt like a shit writer last night (and still kinda do this morning), I know that the stuff I've put out has value. We can't all write these epically tragic smut-romance-renegades-to-lovers tales, we'd all be sad all the damn time. There's a time and a place and - I would argue - even a need for lighterhearted fic out there. There are really no rules. I'm confident in what I know how to do.

But the plot. Fuck it, man. I think maybe I'm trying too hard to be something I'm not. I'm trying really hard to write like other people. I may have mentioned before that I saw a post about how many artists spend their time pining for the skills of others, thinking "wow, when I can draw like that, I'll have made it as an artist." That same post cautioned against this, basically saying you already have your own unique style, it's just harder to see through the lens of your own eyeballs. It's fine to challenge yourself but try to acknowledge what you do that sets you apart already. I feel like I have that something - maybe not to the extent that I wish, but I have something.

So what's the point of the plot? Why do I need to tell my readers how I cured Keprals? I'm asking myself important questions here. I like to think I've come up with ideas that no one else has, but as I said above, I don't read a lot of chaptered fics. I very well may have come to the same ideas as other writers and I'm not even aware of it. I don't know if my ideas are unique but I still arrived at them all by myself.

The challenge here - the thing I'm struggling so much with - is how to put them together with the same elegance of my fellow writers. I'm looking at you, shrios fam (yeah I'm calling you that, yall know who you are). I know I can write words, but it's like I have a bunch of pieces from completely different jigsaw puzzles and I'm struggling to make a new picture out of them. I struggle with the transitions between them.

The point here is I have to find my own way. And I have to stop taking myself so seriously. In fact this level of "seriousness" is one of the things that got me into so much angst over World of Warcraft over the last two years. At least I know how to recognize it.

I have to find my own way. I have my own things that are worth sharing. The author I read last night had a language all their own, and I have a language all my own too. Their wordplay was actually more choppy than I would ever write. I've talked before about how I'm scared of starting too many sentences with pronouns, how I maybe write too many run-on sentences, whatever. This author did that with reckless abandon. It worked for them. So if they can make that shit work, I can make my own shit work.

I have to find my own way.

My most current WIP is Thane and Shepard's first time. I've been working on it pretty nonchalantly because I hadn't intended to publish it until I built up to it. It takes place further into my timeline, and it would probably ruin the point of a slow burn if I put it out there now. There are some really memorably moments in this WIP, and there are other moments that need to be smoothed over as well. I never knew what I'd really imagined for their first time but I think I've mostly developed something that's unique in its own right, and I think will be fun for people to read.

I'm just so fucking torn over what to do with it. I feel guilty for working on it. I should be writing "other shit" leading up to it but I don't fucking want to. I actually wrote probably 2-3k words this weekend, which is a pretty staggering amount by my standards. Some of it was for this smutty WIP and some was for something I just threw together, Thane observing Shepard on Horizon and the emotional toll it takes on her. He's seeing her humanity. I don't know if it's worth it to continue but I wrote a lot of it and the words are more precise than usual for a draft, I don't know. I have so much fucking insecurity. Fuck dude. I want to write this longfic, but I don't want to write it. I want to skim to the spicy bits like I always do.

I am wracked with insecurity, of my own making. I know what I can do but I feel compelled to see this idea through. Somehow I have to find my own way.

TLDR I feel like if I don't publish something soon I'm going to burst and I don't even know what the fuck to work on first and fjslfjsojoiejrj

I would be really down for, like, a bunch of hugs and a bowl of ice cream shared over memes and fanservice.

#this post is EXTREMELY fucking long send help #ITT: i read something that probably changed my brain chemistry for a few hours and it's painful #zet vs 100days #i'm just glad to get this off my chest good lord #anyway if people want to send me links to their favorite shrios fluff i would welcome it