#you absolute fucknut fuck off.]

[vveissesfleisch]

JOHN!!!! FUCKIN!!!! WICK!!!! FUCKIN!!!! 4!!!!

I NEED 10-14 BUSINESS DAYS TO RECOVER

HAVE A SELECTION OF INCOHERENT/SEMI-SPOILERY THOUGHTS IN THE TAGS IN THE INTERIM

#PERFECT!!!! PERFECT PERFECT PERFECT!!!! #I CANNOT EVEN BEGIN TO BE COHERENT I WILL ATTEMPT AGAIN LATER BUT FOR NOW… #I WANT TO KISS THE WRITERS AND DIRECTOR AND CINEMATOGRAPHER AND ENTIRE CREW ON THE LIPS #I WANT TO SUCK WHOEVER IS IN CHARGE OF THE SCORE/SOUNDTRACK SILLY #I WANT TO SCREAM AND CRY AND LIGHT MYSELF ON FIRE #KEANU WAS ABSOLUTELY FUCKING DIVINE #SO BEAUTIFUL #SO RESOLVED #THE WAY HES PLAYED JOHN THRU IS EVOLUTION IS AWARD WORTHY #I TIP MY HAT TO YOU STUNNING AND TALENTED HUSBAND #THIS SUPPORTING CAST!!! WOWOWOWOWOW!!! EVERYONE WAS PERFECT!! #DONNIE YEN IS THE LIGHT OF MY LIFE #BILLY SKARS WAS FANTASTIC AS THE MARQUIS DE FUCKER WHAT AN ABSOLUTE DOUCHE #AND WHEN HIROYUKI SANADA SHOWED UP (WEARING G L A S S E S) I CHEWED MY ARM OFF AT THE FUCKING ELBOW #AND THE FIGHT SEQUENCES!!! SO WONDEROUSLY CREATIVE!! #EPIC CHOREO!!!! AND THE WEAPONS!!!! #THE NUNCHUCK SCENE #THE SWORDS!!!! #AND LETS NOT FORGET THE OVERHEAD ARCADE STYLE SHOOTING OF THE DRAGONS BREATH BULLET SHOOTOUT BECAUSE HOLY FUCKNUTS #USING ARC DE TRIOMPHE TRAFFIC AS A WEAPON??? ARE U KIDDING ME??? IVE DRIVEN THERE AND IT IS….LETS JUST SAY THAT WAS PERFECT #AND THEY REALLY WERE OUT HERE PLAYING GESAFFELSTEIN DURING THAT SCENE….I JIZZED IN MY PANTS #THE MOMENT THOSE OPENING NOTES OF HATE OR GLORY CAME ON MY HUSBAND TURNED TO ME AND SAID IN FULL VOLUME ‘THEY KNEW YOUD BE WATCHING’ #💦💦💦💦💦💦 #UGH!!! AND THEY PLAYED JOHN WICK MODE 🥺🥺🥺🥺 #AND WHAT AN ENDING!!!! WHAT AN ENDING!!!!!!! #GOD I TEARED UP #MAN OH MAN OH MAN OH MAN #JOHN WICK MY BELOVED #CANNOT FUCKIN WAIT TO SEE IT AGAIN #john wick 4 spoilers

[bunni-bun]

joked about spam following the playboyy cast on instagram too hard and now it thinks i'm a bit and shadowbanned me 😭

#GODDAMMIT #PLEASE I JUST WANT TO LOVE ALL OF MY BOYS #FUCK OFF ZUCK YOU ABSOLUTE FUCKNUT #cyndy speaks

[growling]

you know what. you know what. watching bsd since I heard so much about it (mutual osmosis (hi)) yet absolutely nothing at the same time. like who the hells this dazai guy and whys he kinda..... anyway episode 1

so sad how atsushi died of starvation in the first 5 minutes. guess show's over....exit theatre.

"you should kill yourself NOW" the hell did this guy do be declared public enemy number one of all orphanages. how many did he burn

atsushi's out for fucking BLOOD i wanna see him fail cringely and die of an infection curled up under a juniper bush. why does he run like that

is that the. dazai jumpscare

i knew this man for like 2 minutes and i desire him carnally

jesus fucking christ i need his pussy so bad. i am going to fuck the screen. i need to do unspeakable things to/for this dazai guy

not even listening to whatever they're saying im just hyperventilating over the prettyboy before me i could treat you so good dazai. i don't care about your morals or potential atrocities dazai pPLEASE just let me fucking hit. pick me. pick me. PICK ME

supernatural detectives AGAIN?

he did the =D !!!!!!!!

i don't think im in the right headspace to watch this scene while dazai backshots on my mind rotting my brain preventing me from forming critical thoughts or acknowledging reality. good lord this scene that should have been m

i too love bullying children for their subpar grind and googoogaga mentality

he did the

..........ooo is he the tiger. I also believed his story was questionable never trust an orphan

furry

although on further inspection..... oh no im sensing some vivia similiarities in dazai which might DRASTICALLY decrease his attractiveness to me if it keeps up..............

"im not into hugging men" oh fuck off ill fucking make you im going to make you die a crack addict and drop your corpse in a pigpen go fuck yourself guess im not allowed to have anything huh. my way or the highway boy pick one. this show fucking sucks i hate you

nevertheless. i will carry on as usual

dazai kill yourself

i will fucking stab you beat you or hurt you in some way. i will destroy your life i will render you unable to look another man in the eye ever again

go fuck yourself. not like i care. i don't care stop i don't know what you're talking about i DO NOT care im not. im not. im gonna break that dazai fucknut's femurs in a cold cruel non-erotic way he's not even that pretty im over it. im over us.

im gonna fucking shred him

#mine

[libertarian-druid-in-greater-vt]

Those horrible experiments on aborted baby parts would actually help prevent future abortions. Without access to prenatal tissue for experimentation how would they develop treatments and surgical procedures to save prenatal lives? A lot of abortions are done specifically because the fetus will die in utero, during or shortly after birth with no way to prevent it so why prolong the mothers suffering by making her carry to term. That would be prevented if they could fix the issue early on before it became an irreversible problem.

So, you took "Hey, let's focus more on cutting out the need for abortions, rather than just trying to ban them" as having anything to do with experiments I specifically avoided talking about?

IDGAF what "side" you're on, that's a fucked mentality to have. Personally, I'm pro life, and you're not helping to change that, but I'm not going to force that down on anyone else. I'll definitely talk shit about abortion for extinguishing a potential human life due to two people who can't or won't care for it. Or hell, maybe just one won't because men have absolutely no say in it and trying to do anything else is seen as either predatory or manipulative rather than responsible.

But before I go off on a rant about the downfall of western civilization, I'm going to cut myself off by finishing plainly.

Get bent fucknut

[itsnotpatsy]

so this is a call out post for @whiskeyrely and @drftwood who i logically blocked because i’m exhausted of the bullshit and i’m sick of being a nice goddamn person and having it shit on and then expected to forgive someone countless times.

under a cut for length.

so i met alex (who goes by alex but is actually catie but made that alias to escape her own bullshit she’d pulled elsewhere) when she’d played a trish walker over at i think the url was @herodesire, but it was along those lines, over on my alana blog @cruelonlytobekind and we plotted and discussed but otherwise didn’t write. it was chill. i thought she was pretty rad.

i made this blog, over here, yonder, and then she approached me eager to write a jessica jones. because i can’t help but be innocent and excited about things, i encouraged it. i was genuinely happy to have a jessica i seemed to be good friends with who i could write with and plot with. i myself am a major trishica shipper and a huge enthusiast of jess’s character. i’ve written her myself and wrote her before, i still do on a multi.

things seemed to be pretty cool. i invited her into a discussion with three other people i wrote with, including the person who partners in my mainverse. and then shit started to go evidently haywire. i don’t have the conversation logs anymore because i can’t find them on discord, but she’d essentially repeatedly guilted me into trying to write, perpetually prostrating herself with the ‘i understand if you don’t want to write with me since you have your mainverse partner now’ and then cryptically left the chat with two of my other writing partners, stating that ‘they felt uncomfortable’ after they’d literally asked advice of us by dumping this huge set of screencaps about a feud they had with another marvel rper and made us ridiculously uncomfortable.

a note: don’t drag people into your bullshit. they didn’t sign up for being caught in between your weird argument with somebody and you’re holding them emotionally hostage by dropping this chunk of screencaps without asking. no warning about the situation, no venting, just holding them hostage about it. don’t ask for an opinion when you want people to just tell you you were right.

(i’m sorry i don’t have screencaps yet. i don’t want to expose the other two people involved, or the person they were having the argument with, as i don’t know that person personally and i don’t feel like stirring up their shit, too.)

so fast forward. they apologize to me on discord under their jessica account and i accept the apology. because to me it wasn’t a huge deal, it was only a situation in which i’d become uncomfortable due to the completely forceful attempt to write with me, ship with me, and exist in my hemisphere. she made me a series of graphics and images without my prompting at all and continuously, which often seems to me like an attempt to make the other person feel indebted, and i was perpetually guilted in ‘do you ever want to write with me anymore’ im’s or the usual ‘i understand if you have someone else you like writing with better’. which is frankly gross. stop self-flagellating to gain someone’s sympathy.

fast forward to a couple days ago. i get a couple anonymous asks:

of course, i’m so excited. why wouldn’t i be? this is a character beloved to me created between someone close to me and myself, and the chance to write against them was super exciting. why wouldn’t i be stoked? of course! so i responded with enthusiasm and then got an im from this:

evidently whoever the fuck a charlie is. but they tell me that ‘they’ve never rped before and they’ve followed me over on my alana blog forever and they’ve wanted to forever, but they don’t know the first thing about it so they wanted to start by approaching me’. so i helped them by coming up with a url, by discussing headcanons, etc. you know. shit you do when you’re excited. then i started to notice things.

their ‘new blog’:

alex’s blog:

wow, it’s super suspicious that a person brand new to rp knows exactly how to use a tag system, same italicized/bolded/font type in the header, edits very much the same. that makes total sense. it’s not suspicious at all.

(note, don’t act like someone’s stupid. they won’t love it.)

but i tried to give them the benefit of the doubt.

until last night.

so here’s a note: don’t start a conversation with i know you’re suffering but i’m here to guilt you about this online situation. i have enough shit going on in my life without someone taking the things i enjoy and making them hard for me to enjoy because i need to be paranoid about everything or i need to worry every kind gesture or show of enthusiasm from someone new is someone hiding things from me. but here you are trying to make it sound like you’re socially awkward and this isn’t malicious as an act in and of itself. and as if that wasn’t bad enough, you got caught so!

fuck the ever loving fuck off. learn how to leave well enough alone. and i see you blocking the people who liked the post about catfishing i wrote. you’re being a genuine coward and you need to stop ‘saying you’ll do better’ or playing the victim and acting like your behavior is just ‘because you’re bad at this’ or ‘you’re socially awkward’. it’s not an excuse. don’t fuck with people’s creativity or feelings.

also, leave me alone in every sphere of my roleplaying. i’m sick to death of you fucking around and then apologizing when it is clearly bullshit.

thanks for the time of everyone who read this. feel free to reblog.

#callout / #drama / #whiskeyrely #drftwood #out. anne hathaway can rail me. #[fuck off fuck off fuck off. #you absolute fucknut fuck off.]

[beepbeepstfu]

PICTURE THIS

(TW for underage smoking and mentions of cancer)

-

It's Eddie's birthday, around midnight, Richie went over to his place and now they're sitting on the sloping roof outside of Eddie's window yadda yadda yadda

Richie brought his radio and some music is playing quietly (obviously he made a playlist for the occasion, lovely DJ wannabe<3)

It's fucking freezing bc it's november and they're talking about this and that when Richie pulls out his pack of Winstons (gentle courtesy of the nice and unsuspecting Wentworth Tozier)

Eddie moans and scolds him but Richie just smiles and hums and nods along while he lights a cigarette

After a few moments he offers it to Eddie and he's like “Come on, it's your birthday!” “Never in a million year Richie. That's a stick of pure cancer you're holding.” “Oh come on, just one puff! It won't kill you!” “Uhm, actually, that's exactly what it's gonna do.” “One. Puff. Come on! I bet Sonia would hate it.” Eddie relents bc fuck his mom and Richie grins like an idiot

“I'll have you know that this counts as peer pressure.” “Oh Eds I'm nothing if not ready to get locked up for corrupting the cutest goodie-goodie two shoes I know!” Eddie takes a puff, coughs his ass off, makes Richie snicker and glares at him

“Okay okay, got it birthday boy, give the cancer stick back” “No, hang on-” and he takes another drag much to Richie's disbelief and this time doesn't even cough (too much)

“Yowza, Eds, overdoing it much?” “If I get addicted you're a dead man.” “Got it, now give it back, don't hog it, you're not Beverly Marsh.” some more banter, some more smoking

“Okay my head's spinning, why's my head spinning?” “Don't worry, it's supposed to happen, your hands'll start tingling too, soon enough.” “I think I'm shaking” “Yeah 'cause it's fucking cold you dingus” “Shut up fucknut!” “So, how do you like the taste birthday boy?” “Eeh, it's... not as bad as I thought it would be.”

Richie puts the cigarette out and fiddles a little with the butt out of habit bc I hc he does that ☝️ “That was stupid.” “Sure was my guy, sure was!” “I didn't... hate it though...” “I say, I say what?! Edsward Kaspbrak finally joining us deranged smokers?!” “Oh hush up dumbass” “Does that mean I can't dedicate Adam Ant to you anymore? Because now you do drink and you do smoke! What don't you do?!” “Okay, I do NOT drink and I've smoked once. Also I've never been a goody two shoes thank you very much.” “Could've fooled me!”

“Can you imagine Mrs. K's face if she found out?” “Yes. She'd lose it.” “Oh, Oh Eddieh-bear! Why would you do that to me! Ohhh I'm such a bad mother! Ooooh you've betrayed me!” And Eddie's laughing because Richie's Mrs. K impression is very funny “And all because of that four-eyes! Oh I knew he'd turn my sweet sweet honeybunch against me! I knew I shouldn't have let him in, but I gave in and trusted his super hot bod and his absolutely massive dick! He was such a stud-” “Beep beep, assface!” “Fair enough.”

“Rich, can I... can I do another stupid thing?” “What? Are you tryna beat my record?” “No like, this is genuinely a stupid, stupid thing.” “Well what is it?” “It's super, super stupid. So stupid you might hate me for it. Which you should promise not to do, by the way.” “Eds, there's nothing you could do that would make me hate you” “Are you sure? Because this is really fucking stupid.” “Of course I'm sure, do the stupid thing! I'm always up for helping you stick it to the man!” “It's more like... sticking it to the town, really. And my mom. Mainly my mom.” “Even better! But I personally prefer sticking it into your mom!” “Right. Well I've only got myself to blame for that one.” “Yeah no you totally walked into it.”

In any case the Stupid Thing is kissing him (obviously) and Eddie is trying his best not to chicken out and shit “So what's the stupid thing?” “You have to shut up though. I can't do it if you keep talking. I Mean I could but it'd probably be weird.” Richie kinda starts suspecting something but no fucking way it's what he thinks it is. Right? Right?? “Got it, gonna shut the ol' gob. I'll clam up. Belt up, if you will. Perhaps even pipe down. Put my bazoo to rest. Hold my-” “Richie.” “Yeah sorry.” “Okay. uhm. Close your eyes.” Richie's stomach does a SOMERSAULT and he honest to god gulps. Still, he closes his eyes and fixes his glasses bc he's nervous and that's cute. “Hah, this is how I die I guess. Murdered by a pink smurf on a roof. I can already see the headlines “Hottest Aspiring Rock Star In The World Assassinated by Grumpy-” he gets cut off because, Eddie, fed up and anxious, yanks him down for a kiss. Obviously his eyes dart open and he's absolutely speechless.

It lasts for about three seconds, then Eddie pulls away red as a tomato And Richie sits there, frozen in place. “woah” “I told you it was Stupid. You promised you wouldn't hate me.” “woah.” “...Rich? Could you uh, say something? I'm... I'm getting nervous here.” He blinks a couple of time and like, slowly turns very, very red. “wh- woah.” “Dude I.. I'm sorry okay? It was Stupid and I shouldn't have done that I wasn't thinking and GOD it was so stupid! I'm sorry if that grossed you out I-” “Eds. Hang on. Wait. Don't freak out. I think that rewired my brain or something. I'm...” He takes this super Deep breath and drops both hands on Eddie's shoulders “Give a guy a warning next time, jeez! I almost died right there and then.” “So you're.. you're not grossed out?” “grossed out? Eds I honest to God can't tell if this is a dream or not. Maybe I'm actually dead, I must have died while I snuck out. Don't freak when you find my body tomorrow, okay?” Eddie laughs and they both laugh bc they're relived and it's sweet and then they get back to sitting next to one another and they giggle and laugh some more and Eddie sits a bit closer to Richie so he can hold him bc it's cold <3

The end!!

@derryallergy you, absolute Saint, take pity on the mindless delusions of a madman.

#pls tell me what you think abt this #Reddie #Reddie scenarios #eddie kaspbrak #it 2017 #it stephen king #it #richie tozier

[inkmemes]

this  country  (  2017  -  2020  )  sentence  starters ↪  taken  from  the  bbc  mockumentary.  trigger  warning  for  mentions  of  religion,  death,  sex.  alter  as  you  see  fit  ♡

“i like the underdog.”

“don't be a fucking dick.”

“everyone comes together on days like today and just forgets their utter hatred of each other.”

“everyone who's anyone's going to be there and there are people from my past that would love to see me slain.”

“there's a tea rooms there and under the counter they've got a panic button and if i take one step inside, they can press that. the police will be there in three minutes.”

"he whatsapped me the other day asking us to go laser quest with him and i ... well, i clicked on it by accident, didn't i? so he knows i've seen it."

"i mean, i get it, but it's not making me feel nothing."

“it's baffling. i'm baffled by the entire situation, if i'm honest.”

“what the actual fuck? what the actual fuck? you have fucking lost your head, mate. you have lost your fucking head.”

“when i get hold of you, i swear to god i will fucking deck you.”

"someone's just been throwing plums at my house. i'm going to kill them. i can't believe it. i can't believe it. all over this. plumming on here, plumming on that. plum on the sofa, look! there's nothing left that hasn't been plummed."

“i've had a target on my back since the day i was born.”

“thank you very much, enjoy your free potatoes.”

“do you know how small your brain is?”

“hogwarts is that way, dumbledore.”

“he used to say i looked like the puppet off the dolmio advert.”

“there's a kid crying over there. do you want me to...? i can tell him to shut the fuck up if you want?”

“he genuinely looked like a moomin.”

“on my first day of karate club, karate master goes to me, [name], i don't know why you're here because i can't teach you anything. if anything, you should be teaching me." and just gave me his black belt.”

“you know that little old blind man? yeah, when i was punching him in his face, the lens from his glasses broke and cut my knuckle.”

“some things are just best left in the past, where they belong.”

“what's the point in knocking if you're just going to walk in anyway?”

“it was a miscarriage of justice though, cos what people forget is 12 out of them 20 hostages actually found it funny.”

“i lied so much i still don't know what's real life and what's plain lies.”

“i'm so glad you're out of that lying phase.”

“he likes to be the only person on the road, so whenever he sees a car coming the other way he just pulls over.”

“nasa went through hundreds of them in the '60s. and now every time i see a really bright star in the sky i can't wish on it, cos in my head i'm thinking, ‘that's probably just a spacecraft with some monkey bones in it.’”

“you absolute traitor. that's my cheese - it's my fucking house!”

“don't you dare eat that cheese. you eat that and i will smash this. i promise you, i will smash you with this.”

“fuck! you switched them!”

“yeah, i can see it's fucking burnt, sherlock.”

“i honestly am ashamed to know him, sometimes.”

“if you knock on someone's door, don't take no for an answer. get into their house. if they say, ‘leave my house’, stay. and if they say, ‘i'm going to call the police’, you walk upstairs and see if there's anybody else upstairs to sell to.”

“she looks like uncle fester.”

“right. i'm going to piss in their flowers, then.”

“you really need to go home. your mum's called the police and everything.”

“you're also fired from being my best mate, by the way.”

“in business, there will always be setbacks. i don't drink my own juice, fray bentos doesn't eat his own pies. but that's business.”

“do you know what, i don't actually want to play this any more, because it is actually very, very boring.”

“i'm ashamed of myself, that's not usually me, so don't get the wrong impression.”

“i genuinely think one of them fancies me as well.”

“it's fate her moving across the street.”

“the problem with finding a girlfriend in the village is that most of the girls you meet round here are old-age pensioners.”

“yeah, i am looking for a relationship, but thing is i've just got so many trust issues, yeah, with being fucked over massive in the past, so no matter how much i get close to someone now i'm thinking in the back of my head, ‘shit, am i going to get fucked over?’ because i've been fucked over in the past massively. my last relationship proper fucked me up.”

“i went through a really dark phase. listening to papa roach and just blowing everything up with them little french bangers.”

“shut up, you don't know what you're talking about!”

“i don't like the man. i know he's my uncle, but i don't like him.”

“it's just malicious lies, that's all it is.”

“i'm not saying i've got a cruel heart, but if she ain't willing to take me as i am rather than the monster i've become, then she can literally just jog on back to sea with all the other fish cos i don't care.”

“what do you look for in a boyfriend?”

“the key to dating, yeah, is the two rs and the three ts. 'respect, rapport, and talking, talking, talking.' don't ever let that ball hit the ground. good relationships are built on great conversation.”

“on a date, you've got to tell them all the interesting stuff about you, because that's what they'll be interested in.”

“he said to me, he goes, ‘you can't smoke on here.’ i said, ‘i'm not smoking, i'm vaping.’ the look on his face when i said that. i don't think he knew what vaping… what a vape is.”

“you would make me the happiest mouse if you say yes and become my spouse.”

“here's a tip, [name], next time you take a chick out on a date, don't bore her to tears.”

“roses are red, violets are blue, i've got five fingers, the third one's for you.”

“get out of my way, pipe cleaner.”

“[name] phoned me the other day at three in the morning saying, ‘come quick,

there's a hedgehog in the garden that looks exactly like grandad.’ so i got up, i got dressed and i ran over to [name]'s as fast as i could and then i just stopped in the middle of the street at three in the morning and thought, ‘what the fuck am i doing with my life?’

“you're joking me? because if you are joking me, that is massively harsh.”

“oh, let me get a song up on youtube. you're going to absolutely love this, [name]. here we go… listen to this. oh, for fuck's sake, advert.”

“let's go down the pub and get shitfaced.”

“where do i see myself in five years? well, me and [name] will have a flat in the middle of the village and all of our furniture will be inflatable and we'll have cable and it will pay for itself, because we're going to use the spare room to breed quails, because their eggs are worth fucking shitloads.”

“is this about the calippo, still? because you offered to buy me that.”

“if he wants to go, good luck to him, i say. i reckon he thinks that i can't live without him, which is a laugh, because he went a whole weekend away once and i got on all right. i just ended up following this cat around the village.”

“i've got to do what's right for me, at the end of the day, instead of worrying about other people.”

“how about you say sorry? sorry for the massive knife that's hanging out the back of my back because of you.”

“oh, and while you're stabbing me in the back, feel free to bend down and kiss my arse.”

“can i just ask you an honest question? why would you want to leave the village when we've got a pub and a shop?”

“i think you don't know how lucky we have it to be doing nothing with our lives, like. we're all going to die, anyway, so what's the point in doing anything?”

“i want ownership of the words fucknut and dickmilk.”

“i had this come through the post. and i've got a few concerns about it. firstly, this guy on the front looks really arrogant. not the sort of guy i was expecting, if i'm honest.”

“this is starting to stress me out a little bit.”

“why are you trying to stress me out? you know i'm already stressed out as it is.”

“the bloke that used to live in there, right, kept hearing strange noises coming out of his attic at night. and he'd go to the fridge and find that food was missing from the fridge. so he thought, ‘i'm just going to go up to the attic and check this out.’ and he found an entire family of peruvian panpipe buskers just living up there. and he thought ‘i'm just going to leave them to it, ‘cos they're not really doing me any harm.’ and then, a few years later, he thought, "well, i'll just go up to the attic to check on them. ‘see if they're all right.’ and it turned out they'd all died of asbestos poisoning. yeah, he doesn't live here any more.”

“some people will always be scared of me, and i can't change that, no matter how nice i am. but there's a balance to be had between being nice and being feared.”

“don't really like catching up. it's not my thing.”

“i just watched this video of this girl doing a random act of kindness on youtube. she basically paid for this old man's shopping at the till. and this old man was, like, about 90 years old. and he's so fucking old, like, you could see through his skin. and he just starts bawling his eyes out. he's like, ‘you're fucking joking me, this ain't fucking real life.’ i just thought... i want to make someone feel like that. ‘cos that's... i really… that's what i want to do.”

“i'm not dead. just can't be arsed to text her sometimes.”

“you know, correct me if i'm wrong, but four texts a day is complete madness. no-one can keep up with that.”

“i am doing kind things selfishly.”

“i was at midnight mass one year, right, someone got tipped off i was there. as i was coming out the church, someone tries to shoot me with a crossbow.”

“well, i haven't seen the film, have i? that's why i came here - to watch the fucking film - like a normal human being.”

“i've made an effort by coming here tonight. i didn't want to come.”

“i had to wheel him here from his house in an asda trolley, cos he was just too heartbroken to move.”

“sometimes you don't know what you got until you ain't got it any more. like blockbuster's. i just took 'em for granted - and then, one day, gone, and you spend ages trying to figure out what went wrong, and then you realise it was your fault all along.”

“i thought you said you wanted to fix things.”

“she wanted it to go that way, and it just wasn't gonna go that way. she even got me thinking that they'd get back together… ..but that's manipula.... manipulative people... do that. and he's better off without her.”

“that wasn't much to write home about.”

“it's fucking dead, isn't it?”

“basically, somebody's been sending me threatening letters, and i don't know who's doing it - and i am concerned, because my peripheral vision is poor, so, if somebody attacks me from the sides or snipes at me from an upstairs window, i am fucked - but my hearing is excellent, see? so i just need to spend a few days inside honing my sonar, and i'll be fine then.”

“if you don't like the work, the circus is in town and they're always looking for clowns.”

“his soul is just going to crumble to dust.”

“this really is not a good situation for me. a physical threat is something that i can deal with, but a sexual thing is not my area of expertise.”

“just really fucked in the head, mate.”

“what have i done? i haven't done anything wrong.”

“do you know how sad that is? that is so, actually, sad. that makes me sad for you, that you can't take a joke.”

“i think i just got a bit carried away with the whole thing.”

“your finger's going up my arsehole, mate.”

“i'll hold the back of your head, so you don't bash yourself.”

“when i lie in future, i don't want a massive lecture on how bad lying is, cos deep down, you're the worst of us all, mate.”

“i'd quite like a coke.”

“it's going to be like gluing a breadstick back together, because… like, as if a breadstick's been in a blender and it's all… ...the pieces smashed up.”

“like, this one time i started a fight club in the village hall, and i got a black eye from beating myself up. but it made my enemies think, ‘fuck, if she can do that to herself, what the fuck can she do to me?’”

“i'm absolutely 1,000% sure i've broken it in two places.”

“i knew this day would come.”

“i should be in tk maxx, getting the bargains that i deserve.”

“unlike you, [name], i'm not a fashion disaster.”

“i'm still warm in my grave, and she's sucking off the pallbearer.”

“you know, it took me ten years to get over [name], and i only went out with her for half a day.”

“i swear to god, if i see him here again, i swear to god, i will have no hesitation in just going up to him and just planting one on his face.”

“right, then keep your nose out of my business, yeah? nosy old cock-womble.”

“[name]’s attitude to me is puzzling. if i walk past her in the street

and say hi, she'll tell me to fuck off. yet every year, she sends me a really sweet, nice christmas card. you know, there's just no consistency there.”

“he's good-looking up close, isn't he?”

“don't show me any weakness, because i will take advantage.”

“no, put the brick down, you fucking psychopath.”

“when i asked him, he just said, ‘come to my office now,’ which means we're in the fucking shit, cos we're always in fucking shit.”

“i shouldn't be paying you at all.”

“i've always had a son. i talk about him all the time.”

“he's my son. he's not my dog.”

“it reminds me of the wicker man. i don't really know why.”

“i just find it weird how you can be so close to someone and they can be such a big part of your life, and then the next minute, you're just sort of strangers in the night.”

“i don't want the emotional implications.”

“well, about five years ago, i sold my birthday to my mum for about 200 quid, which means my mum's legally entitled now to never celebrate my birthday ever again for the rest of my life. not even, like, a happy birthday cup of tea, or a moonpig card, nothing - which is the worst decision i ever made in my entire life.”

“he deserves that anyway, because he's been sexting my nan, so…”

“what's this surprise? cos i need to know whether it's going to be worth this walk.”

“i always see them banners above the motorway, and i always thought, ‘who the fuck does them?’ well, now i know. people like me.”

“did you know you can't get stung by a stinging nettle if you grab the leaf top and bottom, like that? it's only when you touch it on the sides, it stings. agh, actually, that stung, then.”

“pez dispenser, they're cursed. they are, i'm not even joking. honestly, when i had one of them, i had the worst bout of bad luck i ever had in my life.”

“i swear down, it's a short cut. it might be a pleasant walk, we might enjoy it.”

“i'm not scared of the fox twins. i'd just like to sit them down and ask 'em plainly, ‘look, guys, what is going on? ‘cos this has just gotten completely out of hand now. you know, stop walking on your knuckles, stand up straight, be the best version of you that you can be. get a job, even. there's a trolley boy who works at tesco's, you know, who may as well have been raised by wolves. if he can get a job, you guys can walk it.’”

“yes, there has been talk of strange goings-on in the woods, ghost sightings and the like. but… ...they're never from particularly reliable sources.”

“i live with a ghost. there's a ghost in that house. he's like a civil war cavalier, with all the hair and the hat and all that. and every time i walk into the living room, he doffs his cap. and on his shoulder, he's got this crow that barks at me. it means i spend less time in the house, really. not because of him, because he's-he's quite peaceable. but the crow is malevolent. and i'm not having that. i can't share my house with a malevolent bird.”

“that's haunted as fuck.”

“am i going mad here, or does that, to you, look like that's where just ghost will hang out all the time?”

“look at him, little red riding twat.”

“if he's got an attitude with me, i swear to god, i'll just grab the steering wheel and drive us all into a wall.”

“it's a bit annoying, actually. cos this is not the first or the second time i've had to tell you, really, is it?”

“his sparkle has just gone.”

“you know my dad actually wrote the song wonderwall on the back of a beer mat in the space of ten minutes, don't you?”

“i've just got a tiny, tiny, tiny little favour to ask you.”

“when i think of [name], i think of someone who is very loyal. and very, very stupid. sort of more stupid than loyal. sort of 70% stupid, 30% loyal, probably. because she's very loyal. but extremely stupid.”

“do you know what? i actually don't think he loves you at all and i don't think he's ever loved you.”

“all right, that's harsh and unnecessary, but fine.”

“frankly, she is behaving like the antichrist.”

“i literally just got here.”

“you are such an unemotional slab of ham, [name].”

“i've got so much shit on that man you would not believe.”

“there's something in my eye.”

“i just can't quit him, you know?”

“yeah, we might have a fiery relationship,  but when we're together, it's just… it's just pure chemistry, isn't it?”

“i'm not proud of it, believe me. but at the end of the day, i'm a very vindictive person, you know? it is what makes me me.”

“i basically went out and bought an alpaca off gumtree for £500. of all the mistakes i've made in my life, that was possibly the largest. definitely the physically largest.”

“yeah, i really don't wanna talk about that.”

“her only loyalty is to herself, staffies, and the tv channel dave… ...which, in my opinion, is a tv channel made by knuckle-draggers for knuckle-draggers.”

“i can't move on till i've seeked revenge, unfortunately.”

“if that was in france, that would be fine, but we're not in france.”

“the only thing we had in common, really, was stealing, and that was more my thing that i got him onto. but it just goes to show, you know, some friendships last and some friendships don't, but that's just the way it is.”

“you know it was me that got you sacked, don't you?”

“the thing i learnt about friendship is, you gotta accept each other's flaws, no matter how toxic they may be.”

“shit-stirring from beyond the grave.”

#rp meme #rp prompt #rp starters #rp sentence meme #rp sentence starters #this is the nichest meme ive made #but this show is so fucking funny okay

[august-anon]

Are You Still?

I got hyperfixated on It a couple months ago and now here we are lol, this has been in my fic backlog for a while now. Hope you enjoy this one!

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Fandom: It (movies)

Ship(s): Reddie

Characters (lee/ler): Switch!Richie/Switch!Eddie

Word Count: 3879 words

Summary: Richie finds himself in a position that brings up some of the few fond memories he has from Derry. He decides to relive some of them.

[ao3 link]

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Richie yelped as his legs and feet were suddenly shoved roughly off the couch, startling him out of his doze. He glared up at the offender and saw Eddie, already glaring back at him as he took a seat on the other end of Bill’s couch.

“What the fuck, man?” Richie asked, bringing one of his legs back up to shove at Eddie’s shoulder with his foot.

“If you’re gonna sleep, go do it in a bed,” Eddie snapped back, crossing his arms. “Don’t take up the whole fucking couch with your freakishly long sasquatch legs. This isn’t even your couch anyway, what the hell is wrong with you?”

Richie rolled his eyes. “The others aren’t getting here for another two hours, I think I’m allowed a fucking nap.”

“If you went to sleep at a normal fucking time,” Eddie said, slicing his hand through the air, “you wouldn’t need to take so many naps. What the fuck do you even do all night? I get texts from you at like, three in the morning!”

Richie leaned forward with a grin. “Well, if you really want to know--”

“If this is a joke about my mom you better shut the fuck up right now.”

Richie tossed his head back with a laugh. “Alright, alright.”

Richie had enough self control to give the scene about two minutes to settle. Then, he swung his legs back onto the couch and draped them over Eddie’s lap.

“Hey!” Eddie said, trying to push his legs off. “Get off me, asshole! Stop taking up the whole couch!”

Richie tilted his head back and let out an obnoxious snoring sound. Eddie huffed out a frustrated breath and it took all of Richie’s stage skills to not start laughing at him.

Then, unexpectedly, Eddie swung his own legs up on the couch along with Richie’s. Richie startled, jerking his head up to give Eddie an odd look, but yelped when Eddie started kicking and shoving at Richie with his feet.

“What the hell, man?!”

Eddie didn’t reply. There was a grin growing on his face as he slid down the couch, trying to reach further with his feet. Richie found it entirely too adorable, which unfortunately distracted him from Eddie sending a foot flying toward his face. Richie yelped and barely dodged out of the way in time to save his glasses from Eddie’s wrath. The scene unlocked a memory in his mind, long buried despite regaining his memories from Derry.

 At this point, Richie only hogged the hammock as an excuse to get close to Eddie. It was honestly pretty uncomfortable, the hammock wasn’t meant for two people, even as `small as Eddie was, and it was a hassle to get them both to fit most of the time.

Which, surprisingly, was only partially where the kicking came in. The rest was because Eddie and Richie were just like that.

They were arguing loudly over the hammock again, which happened pretty much every time they were in the clubhouse together. Richie barely managed to dodge a foot, clearly aiming to hook around his glasses and throw them off his face. It was one of Eddie’s favorite moves, because it left Richie blind and annoyed, and it wasn’t exactly easy to annoy someone as annoying as Richie.

Before Eddie could go for his frames again, Richie grabbed his ankle, fighting for control of the limb. Eddie tried to tug his leg back, shouting a number of obscenities at Richie, but Richie just grinned a memory sparking in his mind.

“Hey Eds--”

“Don’t call me Eds, fucknut!”

“Are you still ticklish as fuck?”

Eddie’s eyes went wide and he started yelling even louder. Out of the corner of his eye, Richie caught Bev laughing at them while Stan rolled his eyes. They could shut the fuck up, in Richie’s humble opinion, this meant absolutely nothing at all, and Richie’s heart was totally not beating wildly out of his chest.

Richie started scratching his nails against the arch of Eddie’s socked foot, and Eddie’s obscenities quickly became interspersed with laughter. Richie couldn’t help but laugh along with him, wiggling his fingers along with his scratching to try and get an even better reaction.

“Fuck -- Richie, please!”

Richie smirked at him. “Begging already, Eddie Spaghetti? I know you can last longer than that.”

“Rich!!”

Foolishly, Eddie kicked at Richie with his other foot, trying to knock Richie’s hands off him. Instead, Richie let out his best evil laugh (it fell a little flat, Richie definitely needed to workshop it, but even still, a blush rose to Eddie’s adorable little ears) and grabbed Eddie’s other foot. Eddie shrieked and tried to escape, but Richie quickly pressed Eddie’s legs together before wrapping his own legs around Eddie’s knees to keep them there.

“Richie, don’t you fucking dare!”

“Oh, I dare, Eds.”

Richie immediately went back to scratching at Eddie’s arches, grinning when he burst back into loud laughter. He scrunched his soles and tried to shake Richie’s hands off, twisting and turning and kicking what little he could, but unable to get free from Richie’s hold. He couldn’t even flip the hammock over to knock them to the floor, though it was clear he was trying.

“What’s wrong, Eds, can’t get away?”

Even through his laughter, Eddie still managed to cry out, “Don’t you fucking call me that!”

As usual, Richie ignored him, moving down to tickle at his heels. Eddie tumbled into childish, high-pitched giggles that were so adorable that even Richie’s ears went pink. It was nothing compared to the flush suddenly filling Eddie’s face, though, all too aware of how he sounded.

“Cute cute cute!” Richie called out to him.

Eddie didn’t reply, he simply covered his giggling face.

“Aw, come on Eddie, don’t hide!”

“Shut the fuck up!”

Richie decided to be nice and stop embarrassing Eddie, moving his fingers up to tickle just under Eddie’s socked toes. Eddie’s hands dropped from his face as his eyes bulged out of his skull, shrieking and trying desperately to kick his legs out of Richie’s grasp. He tried to sit up to reach Richie’s hands, but Richie used one foot to push back against his chest while still pinning Eddie’s knees as best as he could.

“Richie!!”

Richie grinned. “Yes, Eddie my love?”

“Please!”

Richie chuckled under his breath and cocked his head to the side. “You know, you haven’t actually asked me to stop.”

Richie lightened his touch so Eddie was only giggling, and Eddie’s eyes widened in surprise. He stammered for a few seconds, even as he was giggling and panting, before he found his words.

“Yes-- Yes I have!”

“N-n-no you h-haven’t!” Bill helpfully called across the clubhouse.

Eddie went so red that Richie was almost worried he would burst a blood vessel in his face. He couldn’t help the stupid grin that spread across his face as Eddie glared at him.

“Well-- fucking stop, then!”

Richie stopped immediately, freeing Eddie’s legs. And he may have been an asshole, but he was at least nice enough to not mention the disappointment that crossed Eddie’s face when Richie finally freed him.

 “Hey Eds--”

Eddie’s scowled deepened, even as he kept his feet flying toward Richie’s glasses, trying to knock them off. “Don’t call me Eds, fucknut!”

Richie grinned brightly, trapping Eddie’s feet and legs in that same hold from so long ago. “Are you still ticklish as fuck?”

Eddie’s eyes went wide. He started kicking even harder, trying to free his legs before Richie could attack. Richie wiggled his fingers threateningly above Eddie’s socked feet.

“Don’t you fucking dare!” Eddie shouted. “I will fucking kill you, don’t you fucking dare!”

Richie laughed. The whole situation was starting to give him a bit of deja vu, the only thing missing was the near-sickening swing of a shitty old hammock from all of Eddie’s squirming.

“Oh, I dare, Eds.”

Richie started scratching at Eddie’s arches with both hands, showing no mercy. Eddie burst into laughter immediately, trying and failing to tug his legs back. Just like when they were kids, Richie couldn’t help but laugh with him.

“Richie, come on!”

“Yes, Eddie?”

Eddie squealed at a particularly vicious wiggle of Richie’s nails against his skin, arching his back and scrunching his feet up. His feet wiggled and twisted in Richie’s grasp, and Richie play-growled as he tried to keep them still and tickle them at the same time.

“Hold still!” Richie said. “Or’ll I’ll go for your toes!”

Eddie gasped through his laughter, thrashing even harder. Richie laughed as he tightened his legs around Eddie’s own.

“Please!” Eddie yelled.

An evil grin spread across Richie’s face. “Please tickle your toes?”

Eddie yelled wordlessly.

“I think I will, since you asked so nicely.”

Richie dug his fingers into the fabric beneath Eddie’s toes, trying his best to tickle despite how scrunched up his feet were. He was really more tickling the balls of his feet at this point. Eddie howled and tossed his head back, more pleas and curses falling from his lips.

“Alright, that’s it,” Richie said. “If that’s how you’re gonna be--”

Richie started pulling Eddie’s socks off. Eddie desperately gripped them in his toes, squirming and kicking to dislodge Richie, but there was a smile on his face all the while even though Richie wasn’t actively tickling him. His dimples were bright and deep, even with the scar that cut through the one on his left cheek, and his ears were a bright pink. Richie’s heart stuttered in his chest.

Damn his stupid fucking childhood crush, coming back to bite him in the ass over 20 years later. How could he still be in love with Eddie Kaspbrack, even after all these years?

At least Richie was good at burying his feelings, especially before people could see them on his face. And Eddie, arguably the best at reading him (aside from Stan, at least, but Stan could read everyone like a book with no effort at all), was thankfully a little too distracted to notice Richie’s own pink cheeks and ears.

Richie finally managed to tug his socks off, throwing them somewhere else in the room. They could find them later. He made sure his grip wrapped around Eddie’s legs was properly tight before gathering up Eddie’s big toes in one hand. The other started spidering gently over Eddie’s heels, making him tumble into giggles just like when they were kids.

“You know, Eds, you haven’t changed one bit.”

“Shut the fuck up!” Eddie yelled through his giggles, the pink spreading down his ears and into his cheeks at the sound of himself.

His giggles weren’t as sweet and childish as they once were. They were deeper now, and less bright, but they were bubbly as ever and no less beautiful. Richie felt his own blush spread down his neck and he hoped Eddie didn’t notice that, either. Well, embarrassing Eddie had always been a great way of distracting him, before.

“You’re as adorable as ever, Spaghetti!” Richie said, wiggling his fingers just a tad higher so they just barely reached the bottom of his arches. “Ticklish as ever, too.”

Eddie shrieked and tried to scrunch his feet as Richie moved higher, but Richie kept his grip tight enough that he had no success. Slowly, he started inching his fingers even higher, moving towards Eddie’s toes. If he remembered correctly, this spot would get Eddie to scream.

“You know, Eddie,” Richie said conversationally, raising his voice to talk over Eddie’s laughter, “If you told me to stop, I would.”

“I did!” Eddie said.

“No you haven’t,” Richie replied at the exact same time as Bill, who Richie hadn’t even heard come back in the room.

Richie jumped, his tickling faltered for a moment, shooting a glare over at Bill.

“Fuck off,” he and Eddie said in unision. 

Bill raised his hands in surrender and left the room, muttering something about “weird flirting rituals.”

Well, fuck you, Billiam, because Richie was sure as hell not flirting, no sir.

He was just… tickling the shit out of the guy he’d been hopelessly in love with since he was eleven. It was no big deal. Just two bros being dudes.

Richie turned his evil grin back on Eddie once Bill had gone. “Last chance to stop this,” he said.

“Fuck you,” Eddie snapped, his blush going from pink to red.

Richie’s smile widened. It wasn’t anywhere near a “stop.”

He immediately started scratching his nails beneath Eddie’s toes, keeping his touch soft and gentle to start. It still had Eddie screaming in seconds, struggling desperately to pull his feet from Richie’s grasp.

“Asshole!” Eddie gasped through his laughter.

“That’s still not telling me to stop,” Richie said in a sing-song voice.

“Please! Rich!”

“That is also not telling me to stop. Are you sure you hate this as much as you pretend to?”

“Fuck!”

Richie cackled as Eddie thrashed around on the couch. He wiggled his fingers at the skin under his toes, twisted his fingers between them, and even scratched at the stems. The whole time, Eddie was going ballistic, tears of laughter building up in his eyes. Even through all this, he still hadn’t told Richie to stop. Richie was starting to wonder if he was going too far.

Then, Eddie started sitting up. Richie tried the same trick from when they were kids, using one of his feet to push at Eddie’s chest so he couldn’t reach Richie’s hands. The only issue was, Eddie was a lot stronger than when they were kids. He wasn’t that tiny little boy anymore, riddled with false illnesses, afraid he was as breakable as glass. He was still tiny, sure, but he was strong. Eddie worked out now (which Richie definitely appreciated, not that he would ever admit it).

Even weakened with his howling cackles, Eddie still managed to push his way up. His eyes were glowing with mirth, his face was bright and open with his unrepentant smile, and his cheeks were rosy and healthy. Richie couldn’t help the way his fingers faltered at the sight.

It was all the opening Eddie needed. His grin went from bubbly to feral in milliseconds and he tugged his feet out from Richie’s grip without any effort at all. Richie quickly realized that those were runner’s legs, because Eddie worked out, and that Eddie had been holding back that whole fucking time.

Richie had two epiphanies at once. One, Eddie had been letting Richie tickle him, he wanted it, and that set off all sorts of butterflies in his chest and stomach. Two, Richie was absolutely and totally fucked, which set off a whole different brand of butterflies.

“Eds-- Eddie, let’s talk about this--”

Eddie’s grin widened. “Don’t call me Eds.”

Then, Eddie lunged. Richie made a very embarrassing sounding yelp, that he very much hoped Eddie would keep to himself, and tried to scramble back over the arm of the couch. He failed, obviously, seeing as the only working out he’d ever done in his life was running from the clown and Bowers, and Eddie could probably run a marathon and not break a sweat.

Richie quickly found himself pinned underneath Eddie, Eddie’s weight straddling his thighs. Richie’s hands were still free, but he’d never been especially coordinated, and it only got worse with even the threat of being tickled.

Probably because of some subconscious desire of his to have wiggling fingers dig into every sensitive spot he has. Not that he’d ever admit any sort of desire out loud.

“Since you so mercilessly went for such a bad spot--”

“You were kicking me--!”

“-- I think I’ll return the favor.”

“Wait,” Richie cried, but it was pretty unconvincing given the giddy smile on his face. “Eddie, wait, no!”

Eddie took on a patronizing voice. “All you have to say is ‘stop.’”

That was totally unfair. Richie said “stop” when being tickled about as much as Eddie did, which was almost never.

Richie wasn’t given much time to think about that, however, because Eddie wasted no more time in digging into his hips. Which, even more unfair in Richie’s opinion, going for a death spot so soon, when Richie worked his way up to Eddie’s toes. 

He jumped and bucked as Eddie squeezed at his hips, which quickly turned to squealing and attempting to curl up when Eddie started scratching at the bones. Eddie’s nails, unsurprisingly, were a lot better manicured than Richie’s own, which meant they tickled like fuck. Richie felt like he was going to crawl out of his skin in the best of ways, and he chose to cover his flushing face with his hands instead of trying to shove Eddie off.

“Eds, please!”

Eddie hummed. “Mm, no. Tell me to stop, Rich.”

Richie wailed in ticklish embarrassment, now blushing for a completely different reason than Eddie being the cutest man on the planet. Now, he was fucking hot, all in control and making Richie lose his mind and shit, and he couldn’t even enjoy it because, as he said, he was losing his mind.

Well, he was blushing from that and the exertion of his laughter. Hopefully one could disguise the other.

“Cute cute cute,” Eddie said in a nasally, high-pitched voice, probably meant to mimic child-Richie.

Richie had a lot of things he wanted to say to that, not the least of which was a heartfelt love confession thanks to the object of his affections calling him fucking cute, but he went with a safer option instead.

“You’re shit at that!” He cried through his laughter.

Eddie’s tickling paused and Richie sucked in a few deep breaths, eyeing him warily. Eddie raised an eyebrow.

“I don’t think you’re in a position to fucking insult me right now.”

Oh shit.

Eddie shoved Richie’s shirt up and shimmied his jeans a little lower on his hips, sending all sorts of weird, conflicting messages through Richie’s brain. Then, while Richie was still trying to process that shit, Eddie ducked his head down and Richie lost all the breath he had regained.

He was shocked out of his stupor by the most torturous raspberry ever given in the history of mankind being blown against the dip of his hip. Richie was certain it was the loudest he had ever yelled, which was saying something because Richie was loud. He couldn’t gain enough control over his arms to do much more than grip Eddie’s hair. He didn’t bother trying to pull or push him away, he just held on for dear life as Eddie systematically destroyed him.

Richie howled and cackled and screamed, and Richie was glad that Bill was the only other one in the house because he really did not need every single Loser hearing him make these noises. Sure, they heard it echo in the clubhouse when they were kids, but Richie was an adult now and had to maintain some semblance of control and maturity.

Then again, Bill would probably spread this around like wildfire.

Just when Richie thought he’d reached peak ticklishness, Eddie somehow led him to an all new peak. Richie’s screams went silent as Eddie gently dragged his teeth against one of his hipbones. Ticklish sparks shot straight up Richie’s spine, too ticklishly keyed up to realize how fucking hot that was, and he bucked up with a strength he didn’t know he possessed. The two of them landed in a heap on the floor.

Richie landed on top of Eddie, whose legs wound up wrapped around his waist. Richie held himself up on his forearms, resting on the rug on either side of Eddie’s head. Richie was still panting for breath, the wide, tickle-induced smile still stretched across his face and a blush still travelling from his ears to his neck. Eddie was grinning up at him, the pink flush spreading through his cheeks once more.

Richie wasn’t sure who moved first. All he knew was that suddenly, they were kissing. They were both smiling too wide for it to be a particularly effective kiss, but it still sent magical sparks zinging through Richie’s chest. If this was how all of their tickle fights were going to end from now on, Richie was going to have to start them more often.

“Fuck,” Richie whispered when they pulled back.

Eddie pressed their foreheads together with a chuckle. “I guess that’s one way to do it.”

“You know,” Richie said, still whispering. “I only tickled you so much when we were kids because you were fucking adorable when I did, and I was practically in love with you.”

Eddie locked eyes with him.

“I don’t think you hated it as much as you pretended to, though,” Richie finished with a grin.

“Fuck you,” Eddie snapped, but there was no heat to it. “And now?”

“Now?”

“Why start a tickle fight now?”

Richie grinned. “Well, Eds--”

“Fuck you!”

“-- I gotta say, the years didn’t make you any less adorable.”

“Yeah?” Eddie whispered, and Richie felt Eddie’s legs tighten around his waist.

“Yeah.” And then, because Richie couldn’t be serious for more than two minutes at a time, he said, “Still not as cute as your mom, though.”

Eddie groaned, slapping his shoulder. “Beep beep, you fucking asshole. I thought we were having a moment.”

Richie raised his eyebrows. “We could have another, if you want.”

One of Eddie’s hands came up to thread through the hair at the nape of Richie’s neck. Just as he started to tug Richie down, just as their lips started to brush, there was a snort from the doorway that had them jumping apart. Richie barely avoided clunking his head against the end table as he sprang away from Eddie.

“Finally,” Bill said. “B-B-Bev owes me fifty d-dollars.”

“Fuck off!” He and Eddie shouted in unison. 

Bill laughed and raised his hands in surrender, leaving the room again. “D-don’t christen your n-n-new relationship on my rug.”

Richie scowled at Bill’s back until he was out of sight. Then, he turned his gaze back towards Eddie, who was already crawling towards him again.

“Wanna make out until the rest of the group gets here?” Eddie said with a grin.

Richie grinned back. “Only if I get to tickle you and you laugh into my mouth.”

Eddie laughed, already pulling Richie closer. “You’re so fucking weird.”

“You love it.”

Eddie sighed. “Unfortunately, I love you. Obnoxious as you are.”

Richie could barely stop smiling for long enough to press his lips to Eddie’s. Eddie shoved him back onto the floor, landing on top himself this time. Richie did end up skittering his fingers up and down Eddie’s sides and ribs, tasting the giggles that Eddie let out into his mouth. Eddie wasted no time in returning the favor, either, dragging his blunt nails across Richie’s skin to get him giggling against Eddie’s lips.

It was by far the best make-out session Richie had ever had. Partially from the tickling, Richie would never complain about that, but mostly because it was Eddie. Whenever the rest of the Loser’s arrived, they would be pretty hard-pressed to get Richie to stop kissing Eddie for even a moment. They had a lot of lost time to make up for.

#tickle fic #My writing #it tickling #lee!eddie #ler!richie #ticklish!eddie #lee!richie #ler!eddie #ticklish!richie #it movies #eddie kaspbrack #richie tozier #reddie

[caffiend-queen]

This genius essay from McSweeny’s says it all...

Also, I did not know that anyone could use the “F” word as much as I do. Well-played, Wendy. Well-played.

OH MY FUCKING GOD, GET THE FUCKING VACCINE ALREADY, YOU FUCKING FUCKS

by WENDY MOLYNEUX

Hi, if you are reading this essay then congratulations, you are still alive. And if you are alive, then you have either gotten the COVID-19 vaccine, or you still have the opportunity to get the vaccine against COVID-19. And holy fuck, if you aren’t fucking vaccinated against COVID-19, then you need to get fucking vaccinated right now. I mean, what the fuck? Fuck you. Get vaccinated. Fuck.

The fucking vaccine will not make you magnetic. Are you fucking kidding me? It just fucking won’t. That’s not even a fucking thing, and that lady who tried to pretend the vaccine made her fucking magnetic looked like a real fucking fuckwad and a fucking idiot, so get fucking vaccinated. Jesus. Fuck.

The vaccine also doesn’t have a fucking 5G chip in it. What the fuck do you think a fucking 5G chip is, fucknuts? You think it’s like some invisible nanotechnology they can suspend in a liquid and then just put in your fucking blood and then it what, exactly? Fucking floats around in your body going on Instagram and telling the government you went to the grocery store? No one fucking cares where you go, you absolute fucking fuck-barf. Fuck off with that. Fuck.

Oh, you’re afraid of fucking side effects? Fuck you. You know what has fucking side effects? Fucking aspirin, fucking Tylenol. You could be fucking allergic to pineapple, you fucking fuckwit. Everything has side effects. You’re being a big fucking baby with a huge diaper full of fucking diarrhea, complaining about maybe feeling slightly tired for a day or two while your asymptomatic COVID case you get and pass to some innocent fucking kid could wind up killing them or someone else. Fuck you, you fucking selfish fucking shit-banana, you unredeemable ass-caterpillar, you fucking fuck-knob with two fucks for eyes and a literal poop where your heart should be. You want a two-month-old to wind up on a fucking ventilator instead of you, a fucking adult, getting a fucking sore arm for a day? What are you, a pitcher for the Yankees? A fucking concert pianist? An arm model? Get the fuck out of here! Fuck you. Get vaccinated. Fuck. Fuck you!

You think vaccines don’t fucking work? Oh, fuck off into the trash, you attention-seeking fuckworm-faced shitbutt. This isn’t even a point worth discussing, you fuck-o-rama fuck-stival of ignorance. Vaccines got rid of smallpox and polio and all the other disgusting diseases that used to kill off little fucks like you en masse. Your relatives got fucking vaccinated and let you live, and now here you are signing up to be killed by a fucking disease against which there is a ninety-nine-percent effective vaccine. You fucking moron. Go in the fucking ocean and fuck a piranha. Fuck. Fuck that. Fuck you. Get vaccinated.

Oh, you say you have a genuine allergy or medical condition that prevents you from receiving a fucking vaccine? That’s fine. I’m clearly not talking to you. I fucking love you. Fuck.

Look, if you have been forwarded this essay from a friend or loved one, then there are two possibilities. Either you are a normal, regular, sensible fucking person like me who got fucking vaccinated at the first possible moment, and this essay channels all your fucking rage and sadness and is therefore cathartic OR, and I really hope this isn’t the fucking case, you AREN’T fucking vaccinated, and someone sent it to you because you fucking fucking fuck, you need to get fucking vaccinated. And rather than being fucking offended that someone is trying yet again to get you to take the fucking vaccine, you should understand that someone fucking loves you enough to try one last motherfucking time to get you to take the fucking vaccine before you fuck off to heaven, or hell, or some in-between place that’s just like a fucking mall or something where everything is free, including and especially the soft pretzels. So, congratulations! There is ONE person remaining in your life who wants to fucking save you from drowning in your own fucking lungs, you fucking fuckshit fuckdick, so for god’s sake, get your fucking ass out of your chair, go to the fucking pharmacy, and get a fucking vaccine, you absolute conscienceless fucking fuck fuck fuck. Get it. Get the fucking vaccine. Fuck you. Fuck fuck fuck. Fuck. Fuck you. Fuck!

Also, do not leave McSweeney’s until you read IT’S DECORATIVE GOURD SEASON, MOTHERFUCKERS  You will never recover. NEVER.

#take the fucking vaccine #just get the fucking vaccine already #why the fuck are you not vaccinated #why do you want to kill people by not being vaccinated

[zosociologist]

"Dating Eddie (Vedder✨) Would be Like..." Headcannon

(a/n: written with a black reader in mind🍸)

Warnings?: Just a smidgen (just a.....a lil crumb👌) of smut👀👉👈

ABSOLUTE......C H A O S ! ! !

but a good kinda chaos

Eddie usually has himself together (sometimes) around others and the same thing goes for you

But when you two fucknuts get together......it's like someone dropped 50 mentos into a punch bowl full of diet coke(caine)

But you two are honestly the cutest, especially when you both haven't seen each other in a long time💞

At first you didn't take him for the cuddling type?

That shit got nipped in the bud REAL quick

HE LOVES PHYSICAL TOUCH!!!

ADORES IT

Any chance he gets he likes to hold onto you😭

You were watching 'A Different World' together at your shared apartment and you were sprawled out on the couch.....

DIS BOY.....had the au-d a c i t y to just lay on you!

"Sir, what are you doing?"

"I was cold and you're very warm and soft and you smell nice (:"

"Babe, it's 85 degrees outside-"

*you try to move* *he just shifts his head*

"Fuck it, go ahead😌"

You both have your parental moments where you have each other's back

Eddie pushes himself a lot, so you're always there to make sure he doesn't overdo it on certain things

And he knows when to pull the plug when he believes you're going past your limits

You're his biggest fan (Chris says otherwise👀👉👈 you all got drunk one night and you two had a showdown on who was the biggest Pearl Jam fan....Chris won 😂)

Live events? You're there hyping up the band at soundcheck and during performances, you know all the lyrics and play a mean air guitar👌

Of course you're cool with The Boys™, they think you're good for him yada yada yada all of that wholesome shit😏

EDDIE IS A BIG FAT HYPOCRITE

I'LL TELL YOU WHY

THIS MAN IS WILD ON STAGE. YOU'VE SEEN THIS. WITH YOUR OWN FUCKING VISION ORBS.

BUT WHEN IT COMES TO Y O U doing the simplest stuff?!

He won't let you do SHIT!

Exhibit A: *climbs a counter in the Kitchen to get something high up that HE MOST LIKELY PUT THERE*

"y/n what are you doing!? Get down you're gonna hurt yourself!!!"

"OH SO I CAN'T DO THIS BUT YOU CAN DANGLE OFF OF A FUCKING STAGE CEILING!?!?!?!?"

Looooots of adventures together!

Impromptu dates at hole in the wall restaurants

Record store trips: Gotta love music hunts!

You were heartbroken when you stood in line for literal hours for the new 'Tribe Called Quest' album and they sold out

Little did you know, Eddie got you a copy from the same shop a day in advance and really just fucking waited so you'd "appreciate it more".

"Don't worry, you don't have to thank me..........I lied, yes you do. Cash is accepted."

"I don't have cash, do you take sex?👀"

Speaking of Seeeeexxxxxxx😏

He's a freak (we been knew💀)

He'd take you ANYWHERE HE POSSIBLY COULD

Oh are you both at a party?

"You better keep that pretty mouth shut unless you want everyone to hear how fucking slutty you are~"

"~Okay~"

*pulls out completely* "Okay what."

"Okay Daddy~"

BUT Y'ALL AREN'T READY FOR THAT CONVERSATION😇🍸

Wash day for you? A pain. Only because he uses up your special hair products and shit when you decide to deep condition your hair

"EDDIE DID YOU USE ALL OF MY CREME OF NATURE CONDITIONER?!"

"I......................................but my curls-"

"FUCK YOUR CURLS I HAVE 4C HAIR BITCH!"

Of course, this leads to you having to make a stop to the beauty supply store!✨

Eddie loves going with you Every. Single. Time. U w U.

*gasps seeing a poster of a black woman with burgundy box braids* "Babe you'd look so cute with these!"

He loves watching you plat and fix your hair and take care of it, it's a culturally enriching experience for him that he appreciates😊

*watches you fix your hair in Bantu knots* "Oh those are BADASS!!!"

He thinks the world of you and who you are as a person, and would literally curbstomp a fucker if they had something insensitive or disrespectful to say about you. Then He'd tell folks. Then THEY'D curbstomp the fuck out of em.

EDDIE JEROME VEDDER DOES NOT PLAY ABOUT HIS BABY. PERIOOOOD!

You two get each other, and if it's good enough for you both...that's all that matters💕

But ummm......yeah! Y'ALL CUTE!!! OR WHATEVA!!!!

#yay i did it! #THE JIMMY PAGE HEADCANNON NOW HAS A SIBLING!!! #eddie vedder #pearl jam #grunge #90's rock #eddie vedder fanfic #pearl jam fanfiction #grunge fanfiction #my writing #lay speaks #x black!reader #headcannon #eddie vedder x reader #pearl jam x reader

[cockneydio]

Ok so Giorno goes to visit Josuke bc of course he does, and the Duwang Gang tells him about all their escapades and hijinks. Well that one weird alley trapped in time and between dimensions comes up, and initially GioGio is like "tf?" But understands very quickly that this means ghosts are real. So then he's like "omgomgomg guys I have an idea this is gonna be fucking sweet" and they figure out how to get into the alley, don't ask me how, and Giorno just screams at the top of his lungs, "DIAVOLO! GET YOUR BITCH ASS OUT HERE FUCKNUTS!" And Diavolo just. Walks out the front door of one of the houses like wtf is going on, but then he's absolutely fuckin *terrified* when he sees Giorno (and Requiem over there just chilling, shooting dice with Za Hando and Crazy Diamond; Echoes is off somewhere learning Italian swear words).

But Giorno's like "Nah nah nah come over here, I want you to meet my cousin and his friends. Tell them what you've been up to since I took your mafia n shit." And Didi's just like [...]. But then Giorno gives him That Look and repeats himself. "Tell them. In great detail. What you've been up to."

So they spend the rest of the afternoon laughing at his most ridiculous deaths (#197 Death by Pack of ravenous Victorian street urchins is their favorite) and then dismiss him. Of course, when he turns to leave, the Dark Souls reach out to grab him, and he's like oh word this actually might be better than this death loop shit but Giorno just casually calls over Requiem who mirror balls the grabby hands and puts him right back in the loop. Fun times in Mori Mori Mori Mori Mori-o-cho (Radio)!

... @bleedingmagpie is at least partially to blame for this train of thought.

#idk im like kind of high not much tho #giorno giovanna #josuke higashikata #duwang gang #their stands #diavolo #that one alley in moiroh

[reginaldqueribundus]

"DOES IT HAVE GORE" HEY ASSFUCK REMEMBER THAT TNG EPISODE WHERE A DUDE FUCKING EXPLODED

"IS IT FULLY KID-FRIENDLY" IDK DUDE YOU TELL ME IF THE BRAIN PARASITE SCENE FROM WRATH OF KHAN, OR ALL THE ORION SLAVE GIRL SHIT, OR SEVEN OF NINE'S NIPPLES, ARE FUCKING "KID-FRIENDLY" YOU FUCKASS, I DIDN'T SEE YOU COMPLAIN ABOUT THOSE

"IS THE FUTURE DYSTOPIC" FIRST OF ALL FUCKNUTS THE WORD IS DYSTOPIAN BUT 2ND OF ALL, NOW THAT YOU KNOW THE CORRECT WORD IMMA NEED YOU TO GO LOOK IT UP IN A GODDAMN DICTIONARY BECAUSE YOU WOULDN'T KNOW A DYSTOPIA IF IT FARTED IN YOUR MOUTH

"DOES STARFLEET INFIGHT" I DON'T KNOW, HOW ABOUT THAT TIME A STARFLEET OFFICER FAKED HIS ENTIRE DEATH TO GET REVENGE ON JIM KIRK? THE ENTIRE DYNAMIC OF TOS WAS BUILT AROUND KIRK SPOCK & MCCOY'S "INFIGHTING" YOU BARELY SENTIENT HOT POCKET

"IS IT INSPIRATIONAL" LISTEN. I DON'T KNOW WHAT WENT WRONG DURING YOUR SOCIAL DEVELOPMENT THAT MADE IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR YOU TO BE "INSPIRED" BY THE ADVENTURES OF WOMEN AND POC BUT I'M A WHITE DUDE AND DISCOVERY INSPIRES THE COCKSHITTING FUCK OUT OF ME

"IS THERE CONSTANT BACKSTABBING" MY DUDE AT THIS POINT I JUST GOTTA WONDER WHAT THE FUCK YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT HERE, MAYBE THE THING WITH DR. JURATI?? EXCEPT SHE HAD LITERALLY BEEN CONVINCED THE APOCALYPSE WOULD HAPPEN IF SHE DIDN'T DO THAT SO MAYBE YOU'RE JUST NOT BRAVE ENOUGH TO ADMIT YOU HAVEN'T WATCHED THE SHOW, UNLESS YOU'RE REFERRING TO THE MIRROR UNIVERSE STUFF IN WHICH CASE YOU'RE STUPID, THAT'S LITERALLY HOW THE MIRROR UNIVERSE IS ALL THE TIME YOU ABSOLUTE FUCKING TURNIP STEM

I AM SO BEYOND GODDAMN TIRED OF FUCKIN ARMPIT HAIRS THAT WERE BROUGHT TO LIFE BY A WITCH'S CURSE AND SOMEHOW GOT SOCIAL MEDIA ACCOUNTS, TRYING TO SAY THIS OR THAT “ISN'T STAR TREK”, I BELIEVE THE PHRASE YOU'RE LOOKING FOR IS “STAR TREK YOU PERSONALLY DON'T LIKE”, YOU EMOTIONALLY STUNTED RAT BASTARDS. YOU CAN'T STAND SEEING PEOPLE ENJOY SOMETHING YOU HATE, WHICH IS WHY YOU CRY EVERY TIME SOMEONE HAS SEX WITH YOUR WIFE.

Here's a much simpler mathematical test your tiny, smooth, chlamydia-riddled koala brain might be able to handle: 1. Does it fucking say “Star Trek” on the title? Yes=Trek!!

FUCK OFF

(Source: a ridiculously long Twitter thread that's literally been going for over 2 months, full of pedantic homophobes and conspiracy theorists arguing that their dislike of “NuTrek” somehow makes it not real Star Trek. You can probably find it for yourself like I did but I highly recommend against it.)

#star trek #just the worst #a post by me™ #sam rambles about star trek again

[jaideite]

Bakugo with a petty/passive agressive gf. Like bakugo is like loud and obnoxious when he is mad but his gf is like quiet and distant when she gets mad.

lmaooo this sounds like me omg

edit: THIS ALL DELETED SO I HAD TO REWRITE IT FML PUTA

BAKUGOU WITH A PETTY/PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE S/O WHOS QUIET AND DISTANT WHEN MAD

KATSUKI BAKUGOU

— blasty McGee is the literal definition of a clingy person ok

— he probably hasn’t had positive touch since he was like a newborn lmaooo

— someone else said this but like he gets absolutely no hoes (this goes for boys and girls)

— maybe one and it lasted till the end of the day

— he probably got them at lunch and then by the end of the day he gets a text from them

— theye texted him and were like “I like midoriya now sorry :(“

— probably why he hates him tbh

— so you’re probably like his first relationship relationship

— meaning

— he constantly tries to impress you

— “I’m a better cook then all of you combined.”

— “Please, I could lift that no sweat.”

— “My hero -_-.”

— though it’s helpful when you don’t want to carry your bookbag and he does it for you

— you’ve threatened everyone to not tell him tho lmaooo

— he constantly wants your attention

— “hey are you fucking listening to me?”

— “Oi, look at me!”

— “Hey, fucknut! Are you paying attention to me?”

— “pay attention, y/n.”

— and he’ll do anything to get it

— which also leads him into a lot of trouble

— sometimes he’ll make everything into a competition

— and it’s really annoying

— which is why you have a couple things you keep in secret from him

— these things usually last at least like three months before he finds out

— the longest thing you’ve had was when you learned how to knit and you were surprised at him not figuring it out yet

— till one day he just shows up with a bunch of knitted scarves, hats, gloves sweaters etc.

— and just grins and goes

— “I win.”

— you curl your tongue in your mouth and put your hands on your hips

— “Fuck you.”

— and then slam the door in his face

— the next day he tries to talk to you and you just

— “Piss off.”

— “Haa??? Baka, who the hell do you think you’re talking too?”

— “I’m only yelling at one person so take a fucking guess.”

— eventually you manage to ignore him

—but he refuses to take it

— “Baka talk to me! I swear, quit being so damn petty!”

— your just like

— he is pissed omg and your getting a kick out of it tbh

— your trying to work

— BOOM

— “Can’t work now Baka! Now you’ve got to talk to me!”

— you look him dead in the eye and pull out another sheet of paper and flip your notebook and continue writing

— he pops a vein

— He trues everything

— yells at you when your eating isn’t he cafeteria

— “YOU CANT AVOID ME FOEVER! AT ONE POINT YOUR GOING TO HAVE TO—“

— “Shut your mouth before I shut you in a casket.”

— “Excuse me?”

— you just keep avoiding him

— he can’t understand, so his only motive is to piss you off more and more

— and you being the petty person you are constantly ignore him

— give him dirty looks

— until finally you get a knock on your door and open it and there he is, leaning against your door frame, the soft smell of caramel filling your senses

— your ready to close the door in his face until he holds his hands up “Can you at least tell me why your mad at me, y/n?”

— you glare at him and he looks up at you and

— oh fuck

— since when has he had cute puppy dog eyes?

— you wanna hug and kiss him because he looks so cute but then you remember your mad at him so you just

— “I just got tired of you making everything in our relationship a damn competition, ya know? Our relationship isn’t supposed to competitive.”

— you basically tell him your feelings and how it annoys you whenever he makes something into a competition

— and he listens well because lmaooo if he wants to keep you he better lmfaooooo

— “It would have been smarter to just tell me that instead of fucking avoiding me, Baka.”

— “Are you trying to get me to ignore you again?”

— “...Sorry.”

— “Thats what I thought.”

#bakugou headcanons #bakugou katsuki x reader #bakugou x reader #bnha bakugou #boku no hero academia #boku no hero headcanons #boku no hero imagines #katsuki bakugou #mha bakugou #my hero academia #my hero academia headcanons #my hero academia imagines #bnha x reader #mha x reader

[thegreenmeridian]

Rural Iceland pandemic has been so weird because for the most part, we’re kind of isolated from what the rest of the world is dealing with. Like, yeah, I wear a mask to the minimart now but everything else is business as usual and there were fuck all places for people to gather en masse (or enough people for that matter) in the first place. So it’s pretty much business as usual, except when we drive to the city the piss stop gas station in Borganes has hand gel, KFC has less seating, and Costco has a line.

But on the other hand, if you live in a different town to where you work, your company might make you do a test before returning because the town is like 250 people all with a connection to your place of business and one case could fully spread across EVERYONE in your fjord in days. And you absolutely know a town or company where something like that did happen, probably to someone you’re related to.

Meanwhile the government keeps letting fucking tourists so every time we’re almost completely covid free, some fucknuts turns up with a fresh variant and doesn’t obey quarantine, and Reykjavik gets fucked. And so do the rest of us because Reykjavik is basically where EVERYTHING is. Extra fun if you’re an immigrant from anywhere but Eastern Europe because basically everyone will presume you are that dumb tourist.

And basically all of us are just sitting here waiting for the rest of the world to sort their shit out so we can get off the island. Even if we don’t particularly WANT to be going anywhere, we are functionally stuck here and it’s an odd feeling.

[adultswim2021]

Sealab 2021 #16: “7211” | December 15, 2002 - 11:00 PM |  S02E10

Proving that Space Ghost isn’t the only one who can pull off an anti-humor wank comes 7211, aka the episode where they just take an old episode of the original 1970s Sealab 2020, edit it down to 11 minutes, and redub the entire show using the exact same script. So we have a humorless plodding kiddie cartoon about a crisis on a crashed nuclear submarine and the Sealab crew’s attempt to save those on board.

This is only the second of several “conceptual time-waster” episodes that Adult Swim ever did if you don’t count the several episodes Space Ghost Coast to Coast did before Adult Swim (that history has been covered in the Mommentary write-up, if you care to read it). At this point in the series Sealab was on shaky footing. Season 2 was spotty at best, so even people like me who have patience for this kinda thing met it with a bit of a wry eye. In a self-centered sense, it almost seemed like Sealab was trying to win me back with a stunt that was, perhaps, too little too late.

The sad thing is that even if you strip this episode completely of it’s irony it’s still more entertaining then some of the series worst. I’d rather watch this than The Policy or In The Closet. Any goddamn day. But this episode really does come down to weather or not you appreciate Andy-Kaufman-esque attempts at being comedically interesting. I do! So, I like this one.

I also genuinely appreciate the attempts by the cast to do a straight version of the show. Debbie in particular has some really wonderful line-readings that absolutely nail the tone these shows go for. And it’s also nice to take a break from the hideous 7030 animation. God, it’s sad to think that the absence of Sealab’s terrible writing and animation is enough to make an episode be good.

There’s a unique ending to this episode that plays during the credits, in which, you guessed it, Sealab explodes. It’s almost as if the cast is aware of some magical realism spell is being cast of their beloved Sealab, and that this whole thing was a charade to try and escape their fates. This is basically Exterminating Angel: The Sealab episode.

A note: A friend of mine recently lamented that they removed the “Place Commercial Here” slide that would presumably appear on the broadcast masters of shows of this vintage from the HBOMax version. “Thank god for DVD!” I thought. Well, it appears it’s missing from the DVD version as well. I never noticed this until now, for some reason. I actually kinda half-watched the episode at first because I kinda saw watching this as nothing more than a formality, and then I watched it two more times to make sure I wasn’t going crazy. We need a fan editor to fix this, stat.

MAIL BAG

What the fuck are you talking about saying Grizzlebees is like Red Robin. It's like Applebee's. It's right there in the thing. They have the onion thing at applebee's just like Outback Steakhouse. It's not Red Robin you dingbat. There wasn't even a hamburger in any of the commercial spots. Good grief!

Okay fucknut, it’s more like Applebees, but it’s still like Red Robin, too (family-friendly, large menu, kitschy shit covering the walls). But I wouldn’t be caught dead at an Applebees, therefore the anecdote is about Red Robin. It’s called PERSONAL FLARE, and maybe you should get some, bitch.

You mentioning Dan Halen makes me think: Are you really gonna do Squidbillies in full? There are pleanty of painful shows on adult swim but most of them blissfully peter out after a season or two. Squidbillies has had a run only rivaled by ATHF and outside of maybe the first two seasons they are absolutely dreadful. I worry it might break you. But I guess you won't need to cross that bridge for at least another year or so. Something to think about though. Peace!

Honestly, Squidbillies isn’t the worst there is. It’s frequently bad, but it’s also occasionally inspired. I’ve seen plenty of them seasons here and there. I’d rather watch it over, say, American Dad. But yes, I’ll be doing Squidbillies in full, baby! Also, peace be with you.

#sealab 2021 #adult swim #adultswim2021

[mylifeasaserver]

Unwelcome Guest

Last night I started my shift running, and ended it the same way.

For whatever unholy reason, everybody decided to come eat during that weird too late for lunch but too early for dinner time period. Whatever, I just pried the manager out of his office chair and made him run food. 

It was either that or figure out how to serve too since there’s no way it was happening on my own.

More servers arrive, and things slowed down. Cut those servers, and things sped back the hell up because why not?

I get everybody in the dining room all finished (and get my dishwasher to bus my tables,) and my hostess seats one more table. One minute prior to close. And the guest is an asshole.

First, he pitches a fit because she won’t seat him in a dead dining room. Then, he bitches that “only that stupid guy” is serving. Then he makes a comment about how HE, THE CUSTOMER, should get to sit anywhere he damn well pleases and how the hostess is shit at her job.

She tells me all of this because she’s new and isn’t quite sure if she did the right thing or not. I tell her she did, and the needledick “guest” is in the wrong.

It’s at this point I discover it’s Dumb Shit and his mother, both his only friend and the one person who would be seen in public with him. I am not filled with overwhelming joy because I still have to serve them.

I show up at the table and he makes a comment about how long he waited. I let him know that’s because I was letting the hostess know she did things right after he complained. Drinks?

They’re not ready for drinks, but they don’t want me to leave either. His mother makes a comment about how unprofessional I am, and Dumb Shit comments that I’m not very good at my job and that’s why they don’t have to tip. It’s now a few minutes past closing. I have a cook who desperately wants to go home and a dishwasher I want to tip out, but no, I’m the dumbass server standing by a table of rude morons making me unhappier by the second.

After standing there about two minutes Dumb Shit says to me “I’ll take a Pepsi with 7 ice cubes. Think you can get that right?” and then he waves his fucking hand at me.

No. I can’t get that right. I’ll send the manager over because I’m done with your rude ass. I put up with a lot of shit at this job, but this fucknut won’t be adding to it.

His mother said something about a drink I wasn’t getting for her as I stormed off, but I’ll be fucked if I could be bothered to listen to the hag. Fuck that noise.

I let the manager know what was going on. He took a look at the clock, asked me if he heard what I’d said correctly, and then went into the dining room. I was told to stay in the kitchen so I stood in the doorway and listened.

Because I’m too lazy to type it all out (and it’s largely uninteresting anyway) I’ll shorten shit up.

Dumb Shit was told to get out because nobody has to put up with this bullshit. No, he wasn’t getting a soda. No, he wasn’t getting food. No, he wasn’t going to abuse staff he doesn’t like because he’s prepared to spend $18 for the two of them to eat.

Take the door, bitch.

There’s a note in the manager log to talk to him about it when he comes in for his next shift. Good. 

I’m gonna make sure management understands I’m not serving them should they try again. 

Now I have to do my absolute best to make him quit. It’s the principal of the thing. -J

#restaurant #server