#but who has been traumatised instead of getting that surrender

[not-poignant]

Hi Pia

Do you have any advice on writing disaster subs?

There's an antagonist in the story I'm writing that comes across as a dom, and he is a sadist, but he isn't actually a sub at all. He's a sadistic masochist but he hides the latter well, and I'm struggling with figuring out how best to write his character when there are such paradoxes to him.

Do you have any advice or guidance for writing a character like this? Anything would be appreciated. Thanks.

Tbh, it's mostly down to character motivations and making it make sense re: the character.

Generally speaking you're going to have a character who has some shame or trauma around being seen as submissive, either because they've experienced it before, they've experienced something nonconsensual before, or they've experienced watching someone else go through something traumatic, or they're just hardcore into the shame around the identity, or combinations of the above.

And then you're going to have someone who feels less shame and vulnerability around being a top, sadist or dom. They might also really enjoy topping more, but this isn't actually necessary. It becomes a way to satisfy their desires to a degree, because they're still in the world of kink, while not having to trigger off their trauma / shame / humiliation / etc. or not having to be vulnerable with someone else (which is what tends to make them really bad at being a top/dom/sadist - hence, disaster!sub, lol).

But you say your character 'isn't actually a sub at all' so if you're not actually writing a submissive in the first place, you're not really writing a disaster!sub. That might be a typo, but I'm not sure.

Either way, this stuff is always down to characterisation and motivations.

You have to sit down and think why someone would choose to behave a certain way, and why they've chosen not to behave in other ways.

In the case of Gwyn, a combination of his experiences with Mafydd and his trauma around that, alongside his shame attached to being a bottom, makes him behave mostly as a top around others (which he does enjoy). In the case of Felix in The Beast that Chose Its Own Bridle, a history of being a child prostitute sold into sexual slavery, as well as experiencing rape repeatedly as an adult, makes him exclusively a top (and sometimes a sadist) for some time, while he processes that trauma and genuinely believes it's just safer for him to top (which it is) because he doesn't have to be as vulnerable.

If you sit down and nail character motivations first, everything will actually unfold pretty naturally. So it's time for you to go back to the drawing board with the character, anon, and actually give them reasons for choosing the behaviours they choose!

It can help to research trauma and trauma symptoms (like avoidance in particular), and also understand how shame and perceptions of humiliation shape people's choices. A person ashamed of their body might not ever visit a swimming pool, for example. A person ashamed of submitting, might not ever submit. When folks are making decisions that stop them from accessing something that is potentially very fulfilling to them, there are a lot of reasons for it, but most will come down to the emotional response they trigger off in the character (or person for that matter).

God knows - as a totally random but common example - there are tons of people mired in diet culture (as an example) because they're ashamed of being perceived as unhealthy or fat, which is a great example of people clinging to something that doesn't really serve them in favour of avoiding shame, humiliation or embarrassment.

#asks and answers #pia on writing #pia on characterisation #this is a fairly truncated response but really #whenever you're like 'why would that character do that' #it's either time to revisit your character motivations #or do some research into trauma and shame #if these things don't feel organic or natural or intuitive yet #spend some time looking up trauma and post trauma disorders #and some time looking up shame or guilt and how they influence us in general #most of what humans do is underpinned by like...voluntarily seeking out their wants and needs and desires #and if they can't do that there will be reasons for it #often without the character knowing (and sometimes they do know) #a character who secretly desires the surrender of submission for example #but who has been traumatised instead of getting that surrender #will avoid submission #but the secret desire is usually still going to be there #which creates further shame #this is down to human psychologyyyyy #but idk if your character is like just a masochist - plenty of people feel shame over being masochists #(though in my experience more actually experience shame over being sadists asdlkfjsa) #(but that's irl and not in fiction)

[profound-imagination]

Lost & Found - Cal Kestis - Part 1

A/N: I am having to repost on this blog as Tumblr has terminated Profound-Wonderland. There is no trigger warnings to this part that I can think of.

You had known Cal since his arrival on Bracca, you had been there nearly all your life, a nobody, until Cal arrived terrified and traumatised after quite literally crash landing into your life. You took the young boy under your wing being the same age as he was and showed him the ropes of his new life under the watchful eye of Paruf who tried his best to keep the two of you out of trouble.

It wasn't long until Cal's skills massively outshone your own with reflexes and agility that you swore wasn't humanly possible, he was haunted though, always held back by something and you'd sworn after the first time you'd looked into his eyes and saw how much pain they held that you would never let anything hurt him again, he was your best friend, your only friend and he was yours to protect. If only you knew what was coming, if only you knew how much you'd fail in that task you would've taken Cal and left Bracca for the furthest reaches of the galaxies.

Everything changed when he saved Paruf, when the Second Sister arrived, when Paruf sacrificed himself for Cal, when Cal ignited a lightsaber, grabbed your arm and ran, making your way through the train while he cut down Storm Troopers, everything changed when you met Cere and Greeze and Cal started down his path, the path of a Jedi, one that you, as a human, was no help whatsoever in, one that for the first time in 5 years, couldn't follow him down, still he took you with him, you explored every planet that you needed to go to for his mission with him, you learned how to shoot a blaster and even saved his life a couple of times, yes, he was still your Cal and he still took you everywhere no matter how much Cere complained you were slowing down the mission and she was right, you did slow down the mission, infact, it's because of you the mission failed and came to an end.

"Let her go Trilla, I'll surrender, you can take me" your heart shattered at those words, this was your fault and you were prepared to die after you had gotten yourself cornered by the Second Sister, your eyes closed tightly as you waited to feel the burn of Trilla's lightsaber but it never came, instead you heard your best friends voice, Cal had always known when you were in trouble and came running, he said it was a gift, that the two of you were connected and swore up and down it was nothing to do with the force but you never quiet believed him. Trilla's grip on you loosend slightly as she considered Cal's words of surrender, taking a moment to look at your friend you saw an expression on his face that you hadn't seen since you'd first met, fear, Cal was scared and it unnerved you, Cal was never scared.

"Lay down your wepon, Jedi and I'll consider your surrender" came Trilla's reply while you were desperately thrashing in her grip. "Cal! No! Run, you're more important than I am, you need to go on, you need to complete mission" he didn't reply, he simply removed BD-1 from his shoulder and placed him on the ground with his saber and started walking towards Trilla, who quickly realised she had won and threw you like you weighed nothing across the ground, skidding to a holt behind BD and the saber, within seconds Cal was in her grip and Storm Troopers were surrounding them both. With the last ounce of energy you had you grabbed Cal's saber which felt heavy in your hand and for a moment you were surprised at how Cal weilded it like it weighed nothing and ran towards them, letting a battle cry escape your throat, you didn't get very far as Cal flicked his wrist and used the force to throw you away into the nearest wall where you hit your head and everything went dark.

You awoke to the anxious beeping of your friends little droid and opened your eyes to find him sat on your chest, you were no longer on the planet but back on the Mantis you realised. Merrin had done a good job of patching you up but BD offered you a stim just to be sure, you got up and found the rest of the crew looking at you with sorrow, they knew, they knew Cal was gone, probably dead and that it was your fault but you told them what had happened anyway and asked Greeze to take you to any planet, you couldn't stay with them, the guilt was too much, Merrin and Greeze begged you to say, both confident that Cal was still alive and there was still hope, when your eyes met Cere's you could tell that she wasn't so sure, her eyes seemed to say if he is alive, he won't be the Cal you knew for much longer.

That was a year ago and you'd found yourself living on a little back planet with BD who refused to let you go alone. You'd managed to find a room and kept yourself to yourself, mourning Cal everyday, you hadn't realised how much the Jedi had meant to you until he was gone, you hadn't realised that you loved the boy more than you should love your best friend and you had began to wish the two of you had never left Bracca. It had been a long day of pouring drinks in the local cantina and you couldn't wait to get into bed as you walked into your room at your lodgings listening to BD beep and boop about all the people he'd seen that day from your shoulder, once you got in you placed him down on your bedside cabinet and checked the draw for Cal's lightsaber out of habit, you wanted to believe he was alive and someday you would be able to give him his saber back but as the days went on your hope started to dwindle, BD beeped next you "he's still out there" the little droid told you confidently and you gave him a tired smile "it's been a year BD, nothing ever kept Cal away for this long, if he could've come back to us, he would've by now" with that and an almighty ache in your chest crawled into bed without bothering to change and soon drifted off to sleep ready to forget the pain and forget Cal, just for a little while.

You awoke a few hours later to explosions and screams, thanking the maker that you hadn't gotten changed or even taken your boots off you shot up, grabbed BD who was hopping from foot to foot asking you what was going on "I don't know BD, I'm in here with you" you snapped at the little droid as you holstered your blaster and clipped Cal's lightsaber to your belt and carefully ventured out the door, once you had made it out of the building you saw smoke and chaos, locals running for their lives in pure panic, stopping a passerby you asked them what was going on "it's the Empire, they're here, a new Inquisitor and some Storm Troopers!" They told you before running for any safety they could find, you decided to head to where they had landed as there must still be those who needed help and were pinned down by the Empire, you were going to do what Cal would've done. BD was booping at you that this was a terrible idea and you agreed with him but you were going to do it anyway.

#cal kestis #cal kestis x reader #cal kestis x you #jedi fallen order #cal kestis fic #BD-1 #jedi: fallen order #star wars #cal kestis imagine #jedi fallen order fic #cere junda #night sister merrin #greez dritus

[90slevi]

Arguments {Levi Ackerman x Reader}

TW: strong language

"What the hell do you mean?" you exclaimed, holding the sheet of paper in your hands in front of Hanji. She grimaced with a shrug, scratching the back of her head. "He's taken me off the expedition list?"

It was currently 6pm, and the sun was beginning to set; although you'd only planned to meet Hanji for a few minutes before dinner, it'd turned into a little more than just that. You'd just received the list of people going on the expedition in a week, and despite being on Levi's Squad, you'd been completely removed from the list. Instead of your name being alongside Petra, Oluo, Eld and Gunther, you were nowhere. You hadn't even been put at the back!

"I dunno, I don't get told about this sort of stuff," she chuckled nervously, trying to not make you angrier than you were. "Although it is a bit odd that Erwin's removed you, out of all people. He never does that."

"Then why on Earth has he done it now?" you asked rhetorically, pissed off. As much as you enjoyed being safe inside the walls and not having to go on another traumatising adventure past the walls, you felt it was incredibly embarrassing to be removed for no reason at all while the others risked their lives for your future. "I mean, I doubt the Squad asked him. That'd just be ridiculous."

"I did see Levi go to Commander Erwin's office last night, so..." Hanji trailed off, realising she'd probably said something she wasn't supposed to.

You and Levi had been dating for about a year now, and while she knew for a fact the black-haired man would never directly upset you, it wasn't out of the ordinary for him to try and convince Erwin to remove you. He'd tried to do it last time, because the expedition before that had ended tragically. You'd almost been killed, and if it wasn't for him saving you from the jaws of a titan and almost breaking his own leg, you wouldn't be there in front of her.

After losing his best friends, Isabel and Farlan, in the past, she was sure he wasn't planning on losing you any time soon.

"That little shitbag," you muttered, wrinkling your nose.

You loved Levi. You really did. But removing you from the expedition list was so selfish you could hit him.

It wasn't up to him. He did not have the right to chose whether you risked your life for the greater good or not, and this was what you dedicated your life to. He was not allowed to force Erwin to remove you just because he was too selfish to see you go. Deep down, you knew what he was trying to do. He was just worried you'd get yourself killed, and he really loved you, but you were too angry to care about that. In your eyes, it appeared that he didn't trust you and he didn't believe you could do it.

"It might not be him!" Hanji suggested, an awkward smile on her face as she put her hands up in surrender. "Y'know, they could've been talking about something else!"

However, you ignored her and stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind you. Hanji, sighing, face-palmed as she knew just what Levi was about to get into.

Walking down the corridor as calmly as you could, you looked at each office door and at the golden plaques, looking for Levi's name imprinted on one just to make sure you didn't go bursting into the wrong office ranting and raving. Eventually, when you found it, you took a deep breath and gently opened the door, not wanting to get into a full-blown argument with your boyfriend.

"Tch, can't you brats knock?" Levi asked, his voice blunt and monotone. However, when he noticed it was you, his eyes widened for a split second before returning back to normal. "Oh, hey."

"Levi," you begun, closing the door behind you as you tried to think of something to say. Levi looked down at the paper you were holding, and as soon as he realised what it was, he hesitated. You noticed this, and that was all the confirmation you needed to know that it was him who'd taken your name off. "Nice to know you've taken me off the expedition."

"I should've known you'd figure out it was me," Levi said sternly, standing up from his desk and slipping his quill back into the ink pot. "Look, let me explain-"

"No, I've already figured it out, thanks," you said sarcastically, slapping the paper onto his desk in frustration. "You don't think I'm good enough to survive out there, do you?"

Levi was silent.

"I've noticed the training exercises for me have become... different than the others," you continued, your mind going back to the small yet significant differences in your training schedules than people like Petra. "You've tried it before, to get me off the expedition lists just so I don't get hurt."

"Y/n, I have a reason to do that," he tried to say, but you continued in your rant. "If you'd just shut up for two seconds-"

"I couldn't give a fuck if I die or not, Levi," you said, wrinkling your nose as he rolled his eyes at your mini-outburst. "I specifically signed up for this just SO I could help out in the survival of humanity. You out of all people should know that! The amount of times I've told you why I want to do this and how much it means to me is insane. And if you're not going to let me do what I need to do because you're too scared I'll die, then... well, I dunno! It's just unfair!"

"Are you done yet?" Levi asked, his voice rising as he glared intimidatingly at you. It wasn't something you were scared of, but you knew you needed to shut up before he actually got angry. You closed your mouth and sighed, unable to look your boyfriend in the eyes. He leaned against his desk, rolling back his head as he tried to think of something that wouldn't upset you more. And, as everyone knew, he was not the greatest with words. "Listen, Y/n. And don't butt in until I've fucking done, got it?"

You nodded.

"First of all, I apologise for doing anything like that without your permission," he said, and your eyes widened at him for even saying sorry. "It was a stupid thing to do. But since your dumbass almost got fucking eaten, I don't want you to go on another expedition."

"But why!?" you exclaimed, your heart sinking. Levi glared at you again, and you quickly shut up.

"In all fairness, it is my own selfishness," he admitted quietly, only just loud enough for you to hear. "I'm not like precious Commander Eyebrows. He doesn't give two shits about who dies on the battleground, but I do. And I don't fancy one of my best soldiers getting murdered in a pointless expedition when I might need them in a more important one in the future."

"That's bullshit," you answered, and he raised an eyebrow. "Hanji and Mike are much better than me, and although they've nearly been killed multiple times, they still make the expedition list."

"That's because they're captains," Levi stated, his voice getting a little louder. "I don't have control over whether they make the list or not."

"Alright then, what about Eld? Gunther?" you asked, and Levi kept his mouth shut, unable to answer. "Exactly. Petra was almost stepped on last expedition if it wasn't for goddam Oluo, but she still makes the stupid list. She almost got crushed, too, but I get nearly eaten ONCE and now it's like I'm banned for good. If you're that bothered, just remove me from your squad altogether!"

"That's not what I want," he almost snarled, pushing himself off the edge of the desk and crossing his arms. "And you know that."

"Then what the hell do you want?!"

"For you not to die!"

A silence entered the room. Your mouth stayed agape as Levi stared at the ground, occasionally looking back at you with a glare that could slice through metal. Your heart pounded against your chest, adrenaline rushing through your veins, and you didn't know what to say.

"Ever since Isabel and Farlan, you're the only person I've managed to get this close to," he continued, quieter than he was before while his hands were stuffed into the pockets of his navy blue jeans . "I don't want to lose... the only family I have left. And I know that's unfair on you, but my selfishness got in the way."

"I... Levi," you said softly, wandering over to him and pulling him into a hug. He wrapped is arms tightly around your waist as he nuzzled his face into your neck, making you giggle when his warm breath tickled your skin. "I understand. I'm sorry for yelling."

"Me too," he replied, rubbing his fingers in circles on your back. Being this close to someone was an amazing feeling that he'd been missing for years and years, and because he didn't want to lose that, he'd decided to go out and do something you didn't want.

He remembered how he'd felt when he'd saved you from the jaws of a titan. You still had the scars on your stomach and back from the bite marks, and he couldn't get rid of the memories of watching you on the grassy ground, bleeding out as you went sickly pale and almost passed out. He'd hated every moment, including when he watched you get stitches in the hospital. Any one of those breaths could've been your last, and the anticipation he felt as he waited outside the ward room for you to wake up. You could've been in a coma. You could've died. You could've gotten brain damage so awful that you couldn't remember who the hell you were.

He didn't want to feel that ever again. Ever.

"I think if I were Captain, I'd do the same to you," you said, pulling away and taking his hands into yours. "I should've listened to you."

"I'll try my best to get Erwin to put you back on the Expedition list, if that's what you really want," Levi said, and you knew that by 'try my best', he meant 'if he doesn't, I'll beat the shit out of him'. He was very good at getting what he wanted. "But if you slip up like a total idiot again, I'll break your legs so you have a good excuse to not go next time."

As if he'd ever do that.

"Pfft, got it," you grinned, and he ruffled your hair before wandering back to his seat, presumably to finish off his paperwork. You pouted, unsure whether to stay here with your boyfriend or to go down for dinner. It was unlikely Levi would remember to get food; he usually was too focussed on his paperwork to get some or he just chose against it, so you usually bought some up for him.

"You look lovely today," Levi then said out of the blue, and your heart fluttered as a small smile appeared on your face. "You usually look beautiful, of course, but today, you look... really nice."

"Thank you," you replied, wandering over before planting a small kiss on his lips. "You look lovely too."

A chuckle escaped his lips before he looked down at his watch, taking note of the time. "Do you want to go down to dinner with me?"

"Sure," you answered, and once he stood up, he stretched out his hand for you to take. Overjoyed, you left the paper on his table and took it, your fingers interlocking just as he liked. He gave you a quick squeeze before adjusting the sleeves of his top and leaving the room, making sure to lock his office after leaving.

#levi ackerman #levi x reader #levi #shingeki no kyojin #attack on titan #aot #snk #fanfiction #anime #hanji exposes levi oops

[period-dramallama]

Spanish Princess episode 6: my tired chronological thoughts

Say it with me now: “previously, on the Spanish Princess!”

-Is it just me or is tsp!koa sympathetic in this episode? 

-charlotte was actually acting really well in the first scenes. I really felt for her. Probably because she wasn’t spouting any stupid dialogue. 

-SO WE’RE JUST GOING TO FORGET ABOUT BABY STEALING HUH

-i wish i could forget

-”Cardinal Wolsey has been speaking with your daughter” if More and Maggie are now Mary’s adopted co-parents, can Wolsey please be the cool uncle?

-Please can we have wolsey speaking to mary in the fawning tone he uses with Henry and Mary’s just like...unimpressed.

-I will say this for tsp!koa, she does give good Hugs

-Yet again, Thomas More is babysitting the girls. While it’s good that Mary has adopted parents, it’s only sadder given her biological dad will execute both of them.

-it is actually historically accurate to have maggie p looking after Mary, she was Mary’s governess IRL, IIRC.

-also you wouldn’t leave the princess with just one person. She’d surely be supervised by at least 2 people, in case like one person had a heart attack or smth.

-PLEASE go back to calling her Lady Pole. AND GIVE THOMAS MORE TO DO

-”it will all come to nothing” sounds like something that WON’T come to nothing

-and now Henry and Wolsey have had a lover’s quarrel, they are such boyfriends they even quarrel like boyfriends.

-’summit’ sounds too modern

-Are Angus beefburgers named thus because of hard Meg roasted him this episode?

-”I wasn’t expecting to see you” yeah bc wasn’t the Field just F and H? 

-The cinematography was great last episode, and now we have weird close ups on the riot ringleader’s face. Why. I can practically see his saliva. Yum.

-Someone else got to the “Wolsey whispers like David Attenborough” joke first.

-What is that weird af flooring? It looks like they stole it from the set of Rivendell in LOTR.

-No dancing? No revels? No tongue in cheek allusions to Glastonbury or Woodstock? This Field feels more like parent’s evening at school.

-I’m now certain Flodden swallowed the budget whole and it was not worth it.

-”we are being threatened” “they drew a gallows in pig’s blood” This is so frustrating. You didn’t need Lina to spell it out for the audience. It would have been so much more suspenseful if you just saw the drawing, and then Lina’s terrified face, and we cut to the next scene. But you think the audience is so dumb we won’t realise a gallows drawn in blood is a threat? GTFO. And stop making Lina state the obvious!

-How good is Rosa’s hubby at his navigator job if they’re wearing brocade at a royal summit?

-To be fair to the show, “she’s only six years old,” is said by Rosa, not Catherine, and Rosa has been living outside England, so easy mistake.

-I like the compass gift, that was cute.

-Maggie watching the shadow play reminds me of the shadow puppets her mother and aunt played with in twq :’)

-THE WINE FOUNTAIN YES I CAN SEE THE WINE FOUNTAIN i was worried we wouldn’t see it

-I misheard Rosa and thought she called Buckingham Aardvark instead of Edward. I will now call him Aardvark. Yes I am very mature.

-I get that Wolsey is meant to be the Bad Guy, but he was literally just standing there with his wine, doing nothing. Stop shouting at him, Aardvark, YOU walked into HIM.

-”raise the price of ale” do you have any idea how much ale people were drinking in this period, Henry? That’s like the government putting up the price of water. You raise the price of ale and you’ll make the unrest worse. 

-People have been discussing Bessie’s behaviour, I think the issue is classism rather than xenophobia, cause she's worried for Lina and Oviedo and their kids but they’re servants of the crown, like she is, so they’re not ‘riff raff’, and she’s also dismissive of the rioters and wants “order restored” she said “heads on spikes” but I assume the heads are the rioters’ heads. Idk, either way the dialogue is clunky and stupid and this whole plotline is badly handled anyway and i do not care enough to rewatch that scene. 

-given how rude Francois was to Mary, IN PUBLIC, I kinda love the idea of her taking the mickey out of him. and look at that, Reggie Pole’s silence finally has a plot purpose! Given that Reggie was Mary Tudor’s archbishop and right hand man, it’s kind of touching that they’re connected in this way.

-Twenty minutes left of episode and the Field is over. Le disappointment. 

-”he’s gone!” Oviedo, I get that you’re probably in shock but... are you honestly trying to do CPR on a man who’s been skewered with a sword. I love you, Oviedo, but you were holding the show’s single braincell and now you’ve dropped it. I’ll give you a pass if you genuinely panicked.

-wtf henry pole your mother will hear about this

-The climax was very emotional...but ruined by the fact it’s total nonsense. Everyone in this show continues to be a total idiot. FINALLY we can be finished with the “not loving Mary” BS that should have lasted no more than 1 ep, if you had to do it at all.

-To be fair to the show, Mary comes across to me at least as traumatised, not as a gleeful baby tyrant. She’s not happy about men getting executed

-”My father cuts their heads off” it would have been such black comedy if koa was like “No darling, he won’t cut their heads off. Beheading’s for rich people”.

-please tell me you’re not hanging them by trapdoor method. The trapdoor method was invented in the nineteenth century.

-”grant them mercy” dude you said “they can die without me watching” so they’re probably all dead by now. 

-”first time he’s agreed” I will give the show a tiny tiny benefit of doubt and say maybe they mean this particular pope?? Actually scrap that they probably mean all popes.

-This should have been Thomas More’s time to shine, IRL he was involved in the govt response to Evil May Day, (I think he even addressed the mob to get them to surrender to the king) which I assume this riot is based off of. But because he was also at the Field, and the showrunners forced these two events to happen simultaneously, the showrunners decided to keep him at the Field...doing nothing. 0/10. 

-some lovely choral singing this episode. 

#the spanish princess #i liked this ep more than ep 4 #but less than ep 5

[misunderstoodnotevil]

I’ve often wondered if this place is haunted. It ought to be.

Series 1, episode 5

Previous episodes 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 

I will start by saying this may be my favourite episode so far. The manipulation, oh boy, it has reached new levels. Ms. O'Brien's middle name has to be that; manipulation. She may be the best thing in the episode.

The subplot of the flower show brings us into the mindset of the bootlicker and while Violet is not exactly tired of having such people around her, she's shown to be magnanimous and surrender her own prize to Mr. Molesley. But whose bloom was actually the best? We'll never know...

Mrs. Patmore has cataracts, there are some funny scenes about it and then we see Carson being a good hearted boss to her. 

Right now, I wonder if something had happened between Mr. Patrick and Ms. O'Brien. God forbid someone speaks for the Titanic.

Sybil continues her quest to help Gwen find a job. They have a little adventure that could have been avoided had she trusted the stalk... sorry, I meant Branson. (The budget was low and Leech was not in the episode though). The job interview was unsuccessful, but we saw Sybil being good hearted and a rebel all on her own. Go girl

Daisy is still itchy aka traumatised after watching the transfer of Pamuk's dead body and everyone (and their dog) has noticed. Mary's in trouble. 

Robert gets a letter from his sister. Mary's in double trouble. 

Of course, like other people in this house, she can't keep her mouth shut for appearances sake. The letter, as we learn later on, is bad news. Her reputation is in tatters. Hmmm I wonder who's responsible for that. Wait, Thomas sent a letter to a friend of his, "Lady Mary was no better than she ought to be." The friend is a valet of a gossiper who clearly spread the news around London.

Now, the interesting part is "you won't tell, will you? I'm in enough trouble as it" and once again we see he acts first and thinks later. It doesn't really cross his mind the consequences of his actions.

As opposed to Ms. O'Brien, whose thoughts are precise and she’s thinking well ahead of the results if the acts succeed. 

Thomas steals the wine. If anyone wondered in the last episode who the thief was, we found him here. Bates catches him in the act. Of course it was Bates!

So, when he tells Sarah Bates saw him nicking a bottle of whine, she starts having thoughts about it and makes him think he has to do something about it. She manipulates his fear expertly.

Thomas on the other hand is certain Bates will tell Carson when "he's feeling spiteful". Why does Thomas think so? Is it projection? Is it the way he's been treated all his life? The certain is that this is what he believes. Bates will tell the truth to Carson, eventually. In the meantime, in the next episode, Bates says clearly to Anna that he doesn't plan to say anything to Carson because he doesn't want anyone to lose his job. Not even Thomas.

Thomas acts under false pretenses.

And I think it's safe to assume (as safe as is to assume) that Ms. O'Brien is behind his certainty. 

Back to Mary,

Her parents claim she has to get married. Since Matthew is out of the question, there's a new gentleman, Strallan, in the picture. Robert doesn't like him. He's the same age as him and dull.

Matthew doesn't like Edith the way Edith would like him to like her (Hint; he likes Mary). He makes it absolutely clear to his mother. He says as such to Mary as well. It makes me question Matthew pov as well. Why does he do it? Matthew is not stupid. He has seen how the sister behave towards the other. His affections for Mary though clouds his judgement. Of course, Mary turns around and says so to Edith.

And Mary uses it against Edith.*

And O'Brien uses it against everyone.

Because the master mind is Ms. O'Brien.

She starts with Daisy, and what she knows about Mary and Pamuk.

She continues with Cora in a superb scene. Cora says her daughters are all grown up and they need their own establishments.

"No one ever warns you about bringing up daughters. You think it’s going to be like Little Women. Instead, they’re at each other’s throats from dawn till dusk."

Now, besides the fact this is something Sarah is going to use, there is a certain insensitivity from Cora's side to say that to her maid when said maid has no children. We don't know if it was a decision willingly made, or if O'Brien just didn't have the chance to get married and have children of her own. Or even if she wanted to have kids.

Which brings Sarah to Edith, manipulating her insecurities that have caused her to dislike her older sister, using Daisy's story.

And as it happens, Mary shows Edith she can have any man she wants, whenever she wants him, may that be Matthew or Strallan (whom Edith likes after realizing Matthew doesn’t want her. Like Edith’s heart has clearly many leaves ready to be shared), followed by listening to her mother and Mary talking about her. 

 You mustn’t be unkind to Edith. She has fewer advantages than you.

 Fewer? She has none at all.

(Between you & me, Mary had it coming!)

So Edith sends the letter to his Excellency the Turkish (Ottoman) Ambassador in London.

Thomas and O'Brien betrayed themselves with their behaviour to Anna and Bates who in turn, turn the tables on them.

 The bastard’s hidden it in my room or yours.

 Why did I ever listen to you in the first place?

Bates hasn't hidden it in their rooms, but he’s made them believe it. It's interesting again, how O'Brien blames the fiasco on Thomas. 

*  Everyone is sorry for Edith. Bates and Anna are sorry for her. Anna thinks she was in love in Patrick who was engaged with a Mary who didn't really want him, but she would have married him because he was the heir.

We can compare the stealing of food by Carson in the first episodes to give to his old friend who was blackmailing him and Thomas stealing the wine.

Carson is remorseful, he doesn't do it because he wants to, narratively-wise he also gets a background that justifies his actions. The audience gets to see it's an act he despises and also gets to see why he does it. 

Thomas? The audience sees him stealing wine. Why? To what purpose? We have no idea. No explanation given. None whatsoever. And it's because it's not thought. I don't know, they could have been seen drinking it with O'Brien in the roof, for all I care. Give the audience a reason as to why he steals the wine. Have Sarah asking him why she did he steal it? 

The problem is there is no actual reason for Thomas to steal wine. And it’s never used again other than seeing how he doesn’t deserve to work in the Abbey. 

I hate the wine stealing for this reason.

Interesting quotes from the episode:

Thomas: I’ve often wondered if this place is haunted. It ought to be.

Sarah:  Of the spirits of maids and footmen who died in slavery?

Bates: I always feel a bit sorry for Lady Edith.

 Anna: Me, too. Although I don’t know why, when you think what she’s got and what we haven’t.

Bates: Perhaps Mr Patrick did love her [Edith] back, he just couldn’t say it.

Sometimes we’re not at liberty to speak. Sometimes it wouldn’t be right.

Mary: Kemal? My lover. Kemal Pamuk.

Robert: She thinks, if you put a toy down, it will still be sitting there when you want to play with it again.

#Downton Abbey #Thomas Barrow #DA watching #long post #NotEvilTexts

[odd-birds-and-booksellers]

Love You Now

"I think kids should grow up where it snows, you got sledding, you got snowball fights, you know? If we have two kids then we each get one on our own team...I mean threes okay too, I mean the more the merrier right?"

The fresh powdery snow blanketed the ground around them, it had been falling heavily since noon but that hasn't stopped the Karevs from enjoying their day off in the snow, they'd spent the morning using the unused baking trays that they had received as housewarming gifts back when Robin was first born as sleds. For the onlookers it was hard to tell who the parents were, as Alex and Jo had taken to racing each other, leaving their kids to watch their parents with utter embarrassment.

"Okay tap it gently P and then with any luck we should have…" Alex leant in ticking his daughter's sides as she patted the bucket softly, warmth flooding through his body as her giggles rang out across the back yard. "...the best snow castle ever made."

Leaning around her, he gently lifted the bucket up to reveal a perfectly built snow castle.

"Mommy look we made Elsa's castle," Peyton squealed in delight, whirling around to see Jo standing in the back doorway, a steaming cup of hot chocolate in her hands as she watched them play.

"You guys made snow castles without me?" Jo whispered in disbelief, faking a pout as she made her way over to them leaving her drink on the snow-covered BBQ she leant down beside Alex, his arm automatically wrapping around her as Peyton began filling another bucket full of snow enthusiastically.

"Snooze you lose" Alex grins, nuzzling his ice-cold nose against her neck, making her shiver. Pushing him away she ignores the smirk on his face as she scans the garden wondering where their eldest had got to, it was far too quiet for her liking.

"Erm Alex, couldn't you have watched both of them?" Jo groans catching sight of Robin at the end of the garden in what she'd politely call a compromising position.

Alex's eyebrows wrinkle as he follows Jo's gaze, chuckling as he sees his son peeing in the snow, rolling his eyes at the young boy's antics.

"Dad, look I can go on my own!" Robin cries, turning towards Jo and Alex a proud grin stretched across his face.

"That's my boy!" Alex cheered, fist-pumping the air, feeling a handful of snow hit his face, the ice droplets dripping down his top, as he turned back to see his wife's scowling face.

"What?" He shrugged, he was proud, he couldn't tell you the number of times he had to stand right by his son's side because he refused to go on his own.

"He's peeing in the snow" Jo exclaims, gesturing back to their son, a bewildered look on her face as she looks between her son and husband who were sporting matching smirks.

"Yeah but all by himself..." Alex protests, brushing the snow from his face, his eyebrows pulled together in a frown like he didn't understand why Jo was mad.

"Yeah well, Mrs Mclusky is staring at us" Jo hisses, nodding her head towards the next-door neighbours garden and sure enough there the old bat was, face pressed against the window as she narrowed her eyes on the Karevs in disgust.

"You want him to write ya name? Mind ya business" Alex yells, making the lady jump as she lets the curtains fall. The nosy old bat was always sticking her nose in where it wasn't wanted, she already told Jo this morning how nice it would be if she was always at home with her children instead of working.

"And you wonder why they don't like us…" Jo mutters, shaking her head as she smiles down at Peyton helping the little one line her Elsa dolls up against the castle.

Alex ignores her, whistling at the dog that had been happily barking at the birds at the bottom of the garden, "I think that boat sailed when Maverick got into her guinea pig enclosure…" he says, as Maverick comes bounding towards them bypassing Alex for Jo as he sticks his little wet nose against her leg.

"He thought they were toys...didn't you? My tiny little murder." Jo mumbles, rubbing Mavericks belly as the dog rolled over in delight.

"Can you eat snow?" Peyton wonders, holding a handful out towards Alex, her little face scrunching up underneath her woolly hat, it was far too big for her but Helen insisted Karev babies always had big heads so every year a hat way too big would be sent out.

"No"

"Sure"

"Well as long as it's not yellow." Alex shrugs, gesturing towards where Robin had so kindly done his business before receiving a sharp elbow to the ribs from Jo who shakes her head at him in disbelief.

Suddenly the baby monitor lights up, the cries of the youngest Karev flowing through it.

"I'll get her…" Jo says already rising to her feet as Maverick barks at her, nipping at her boots, upset he no longer has her attention. "Are you coming in with me?" she smiles, lifting him up into her arms as if he was her baby.

"You should stop carrying him…" Alex quips, groaning at the sight of his wife rocking the dog in her arms, chatting away to him in that sickly sweet voice she reserved for babies only. "Dogs aren't meant to be this pampered."

"Earthquake!"

All of a sudden Robin is bursting through the set of snow castles lined up, roaring like a dinosaur as he kicks his way through sending the snow flying.

"What the fuck?" Shrieks Peyton as she stares down at the collapsed pile of snow by her feet.

"Peyton…" Alex warns, narrowing his eyes on her, he didn't have a leg to stand on. She definitely learnt that from him but he really tried to discourage her from saying it since the whole end of year play disaster.

Peyton growls shoving Robin down into the snow, for a four-year-old she had some serious strength but so did her brother, next thing Alex's knows they were wrestling in the snow, clawing at each other through their gloves.

"Hey hey stop...stop" Alex cries, pulling them both up by their hoods, a scowl on his face as he inserts himself in between them. "Guys we can all go back inside if you can't get along." Alex doesn't shout at the kids often but when he does it means business.

Sighing the guilt sets in almost immediately at he stares down at their faces, logically he knows all parents yell and tell their kids off but every time he does he can't help but feel that step closer to being his father, and no matter what Jo says he can't seem to pull himself out of that funk. "Come here okay...you wanna fight this out there's only one way to do it….snowball fight!" He grins, kneeling down, wrapping his arms around both his babies, laughing as they leap out his grip, their fight completely forgotten as the head to separate sides of the garden.

"What the hell is that?" He whines, as Jo emerges back in the doorway, Alessia attached to her hip although you could barely see her through the fur wrapped around her head that seemed to be bigger than herself.

"It's her snowsuit," Jo answers, like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"Honestly every time I think you can't possibly traumatise our kids anymore you outdo yourself…"

"I do not..." Jo protests, waving her hand at him dismissively as she plops Alessia down in the snow much to her dismay as her little nose crinkles up, "I'm gonna get a pic for your mom." Jo informs Alex, as she pulls her phone out, smiling brightly at Alessia, hoping the little one will copy her, but all she gets back is the signature Karev grumpy face. "Oh...oh we should also get a picture of them all in the jumpers she sent as well, that will be good."

"She looks ridiculous" Alex growls, lifting Lessy up away from Jo's photoshoot, he bounces her gently, she's still a little sleepy from her nap as she lays her head against Alex's neck.

"You're a hater" Jo scowls, snapping a photo of the pair, beaming with satisfaction as she leans forwards rubbing the baby's back gently "Daddy is boring...yes he is, he is a grumpy old man," she mumbles, lifting Alessia out of Alex's arms she continues to babble away in baby talk until she feels something hit her in the back. Whirling round to find both Robin and Peyton wide-eyed standing upright, their hands hidden behind their backs. "Hey...I'm holding precious cargo you can't throw snowballs at me."

"Put Lessy down and we can make it a fair fight old lady" Alex challenges, raising his eyebrows at her, as he glances over towards Robin and Peyton, winking at them as he watches them slowly reveal the snowballs they'd been hiding behind their backs.

"Oh no, you did just not call me an old lady?... That's it" Jo snaps, still gobsmacked he had the audacity to bring her age up. Narrowing her eyes on Alex, she decides this means war as she settles Alessia down in the sandpit, making sure she's safe. "Here baby you're gonna sit here in this snowy sandpit and mommy is gonna go destroy daddy okay?"

Turning around she finds Alex is already prepared, snowball in hand, practically jumping in anticipation as he waits for Jo to move away from Alessia. "You ready?"

"Oh it is on Karev"

"Robin" Alex calls, gesturing for his son to join him as he heads towards the treehouse at the end of the garden.

"Peyton" Jo cries, grabbing her daughter's hand as they move further away from the boys.

"It's a fight to the death!" Robin calls, poking his tongue out at the girls as he climbs the ladder up to the treehouse.

Alex smiles awkwardly, the enthusiasm was appreciated if not a little intense. "No, no it's a fight until the girls' surrender."

"Which will be never, will it P?" Jo snorts, one hand her hip as she throws a snowball up in the air.

"Yeah losers"

"Prepare to die"

"Robin…" Alex grimaces, shaking his head at his son as he continues to pile up snowballs behind the tree and pass them up to him.

"Prepare to feel ice in your pants!" The young boy screeches, throwing a warning shot down near the garden table which the girls were now using as a shield.

Alex laughs, as he climbs the ladder to join him. "Yeah prepare to feel ice in your pants."

And like that they're off, the war was on as snowballs went pelting across the garden, laughter from both sides could be heard from the end of the street.

Alex watches Jo as he rounds another snowball in his hands, she crouches down using the table as a shield while she gathers more snow for herself. Out of the corner of his eye he sees Peyton charging at Robin, it happens in slow motion, she slips suddenly, her little legs flying as she lands on her back with a thump.

Alex is over in a flash, dad mode taking over as he hovers above her, searching for any sign of injury as his little girl's face screws up, hot tears springing from her eyes.

"Daddy" she whimpers, her little hands reaching out for him.

"P...P baby are you okay?"

Umph. Alex feels a heavyweight against his back as Jo wraps her arms around him tackling him to the ground. He'd been played. He can hear Peyton laughing as she cheers her mom on from the side. Alex growls as he rolls them over so he's got the upper hand, yelping when he feels Jo's hand slip below the waistband of his joggers, the cold snowball she had in her hand seeping through his boxers making him hiss.

"That'll cause some shrinkage," Jo smirks, raising her eyebrows at him as she rolls him back over so she's straddling him.

"Pfft, you wanna see?" Alex snorts, grabbing hold of her hand that's still placed dangerously close to his so-called shrinkage.

"We have children present" Jo mumbles, looking up as she high fives Peyton.

Groaning Alex sits up with Jo still seated in his lap, she just about hears him mumble that's she a tease before Robin wraps his arms around Alex from behind, both hands filled with snow hitting Jo squarely in the face, both boys laughing as she splutters in surprise.

Leaning over Alex grins kissing her lips, the powdery snow melting from their heat as he feels Robin's hands smack against his cheeks.

"That is disgusting" He cries, his little gloved hand slipping in between Alex and Jo.

"You're gonna wanna kiss girls one day Robin," Alex warns, flipping Robin over his shoulder gently.

"Or boys" Jo chimes in, as Alex settles Robin in between them reaching out to ruffle her son's hair.

"Or boys" Alex agrees.

"No I don't wanna kiss anyone ever" Robin pouts, wriggling out of Alex's grip, he was six going sixteen and he hated nothing more than being his parents baby boy.

"Me either!" Peyton chimes in, plopping herself down on Jo's lap, her arms wrapping around Jo's waist as Robin begins to bury them both with snow, still determined to win the war they'd started.

Grinning Alex rises from the grass, wiping the snow off him as he turns his attention to his littlest baby who had been happily watching from the safety of the currently snowy sandpit, squealing in delight when Alex heads towards her, she's a definite daddy's girl. "That's good cause you aren't allowed and neither are you baby girl" He coos, lifting her up into his arms, pulling down the ridiculous hood Jo had put her in.

"I'm not gonna kiss any boys, or get married" Peyton informs them, her little face scrunched up with disgust at the thought as Robin continues to pat snow over her and Jo's legs.

"That's right" Alex nodded, squatting down to show Alessia the snow, she had just turned one and pretty much hated anything that wasn't her daddy's arms.

"I won't do anything at all...I won't even get a job."

"Well, I'm glad to see that backfired…" Jo chuckles as Peyton kicks her legs out crashing through the snow chasing after Robin who was heading back towards the treehouse.

"That's not what I said P I just said no boys," Alex calls after her, his eyes widening as he looks at Jo, he just wanted no boyfriends he didn't want degenerates.

Rolling her eyes, Jo laughs as she reaches for Alex to help pull her up. "Hey, you guys wanna build a snowman before it gets too dark?"

"Can we build one as big as dad?"

"No… but we can build one bigger!"

-

It's a while later when Alex finds himself squished into his and Jo's bed, Alessia starfished out at the end of the bed, her soft snores echoing around as the ending credits of Toy Story play on the screen, Peyton and Robin pressed into his and Jo's side both exhausted from the days' activities.

Life is pretty hectic for them, they don't get many days where it's just the five (six if you're counting Maverick) of them uninterrupted, but when they do Alex is always struck by how lucky he is to have found Jo, to have created this family with her. They were far from perfect and maybe their kids did pee in the snow, and have potty mouths and maybe their dog was a homicidal maniac but they were happier then Alex could have ever imagined he would be.

"Oh no…" Jo whispers, a lazy smile stretching across her lips as she looks over at him.

"What?"

"I know that look."

"You do?"

"Mhmm, you're gonna say something soppy like I love you." She nods, her sleepy eyes fluttering shut as she snuggled further into his neck.

"I do love you," Alex grins, pressing a light kiss to her forehead, untangling his arm from underneath Peyton slowly as to not wake her, so he could slip his hands under Jo's top, skimming across her hips, making her squirm.

"Your hands are cold" Jo moans, her face scrunching up as she protests but she's trapped between him and Robin.

"I know, that's why I'm warming them up," Alex smirks, his hands sneaking dangerously close to her bra. He's teasing, she knows but his teasing is the reason they now have three kids taking up space in the bed.

"I love you too by the way" she grumbles, nudging his head back with her nose so she can see his face, her lips finding his instantly. "Even if you are an old man and I'm a young spring chicken" she mumbles against his lip, making Alex snort as she presses a row kisses along his jawline, he wasn't the only one that could tease.

"Stop kissing, it's gross" Robin grumbles, still half asleep as he rolls over Jo, squishing himself in between his parents.

"You're gross" Alex mimics, as they both lean down pressing kisses all over the boy's face as he groans in protest, it's a second later when P is up, climbing onto Alex's chest, careful to mind the baby as she wraps her arms around Alex smacking her lips against his cheek.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This one-shot is dedicated to Nat (HAPPY BIRTHDAY GIRL)

It was really hard to write just fluff, so I won't do that again anytime soon.

But also this is part of my What Could’ve Been universe, so the kids are diffrent to the ones I usually write on here. 

Thanks for reading.

(the snowsuit)

#jolex #alex karev #jo karev #jo wilson #greys anatomy #greys abc #greys #greysanatony #justin chambers #camilla luddington #jolex fanfiction #jolex fic #jolex fanfic

[slvtforstvcky-blog]

Three Special Words

Warnings: Language, Mentions of murder, crying (?), Bucky being adorable

posted this on my wattpad acc too (marvel_lover___)

It's short asf lol

Y/N's POV

Drops of water streamed down my back, its heat scorching against my skin. Teardrops ran down my cheeks like a waterfall, the horrifying image that traumatised me since I'd done it. I ran my hands through my hair, the strands of H/C glistening in the light. A slight creaking rang in my ears, but brushed it off, wiping a tear off with my thumb.

"Hey doll," Bucky whispered, sliding open the glass door to step in, completely naked, "What happened?" He whispered, kissing my cheek as he comfortingly stroked my back.

"N-Nothing. Just the soap." I told, laughing as I stood on my toes, wrapping my arms around his neck to pull him down. I brought my lips to his, dissatisfied and confused as he pulled away.

"Don't lie, if you didn't want to tell me you could've just said so. I'm going to go. Just came to check on you." He told, stepping out before I grabbed his wrist, causing us to exchange glances, "You want to talk?" He peered up at me, hopefully.

"No, I told you it's nothing," I whispered, kissing his cheek, "Just, good night."

I changed into the most comfortable pair of pyjamas I had, a white, fitted top with short, black, loose shorts. I put my hair up in a comfortable bun, making my way over to the kitchen.

"Y/N, we missed you at dinner, your food's on the table. Are you okay? Your eyes look red." Steve informed as I smiled at him.

"I got some shampoo in my eyes. I'm not really hungry, but thanks for telling me." I told, grabbing my cup from the cabinet, and pouring the tea into it.

"You wanna join our game? We're playing Truth Or Dare?" Steve told, pointing to the crowded living room where a disturbed Bucky sat.

"I'm really sleepy, so I'll pass. Good night." I whispered, smiling at him and I strolled to my room, laying down as flashes of what happened earlier today attacked me.

A few hours ago,

"Shoot her, she's an Avenger. She will only hurt us. Don't believe the things she says. She's manipulating you to kill you." An agent behind me shouted as the man stood in front shakily aimed his gun at me. My heart pounded in my chest, my breaths getting heavier by the second.

"She says she'll let me go! If I kill her, her friends shall make me suffer the same fate. I want to go back home! I haven't seen my wife in two months nor have I ever seen my newborn." The armed man exclaimed, tears pooling in his eyes.

"You don't need to listen to him. You want to make it back to your wife? And the child you have not seen? No child deserves to never have known their father. If you walk away, I will supply you with everything you'll need to start a new life and protection from your 'friends' here. Just don't make this harder than it has to be." I whispered as the armed man set down his gun.

I inched towards him to kick the gun away before realising I'd kicked it to one of the malicious agents who aimed the gun directly at me. I opened my mouth to offer him a bribe before he cut me off with a cackle. He neared closer as I trembled, fear overcoming my body.

"Don't. No price could be paid for my allegiance to Hydra." The agent whispered, finger shifting to the trigger after cocking the gun. As soon as my reflexes came into my senses, the bullet was released, causing me to use the agent who priorly had the gun as a shield.

The bullet pierced through his head, blood uncontrollably flowing out as I sobbed at the sight of him. The first person I've ever murdered laid before me, a man who spared my life and hadn't seen his family for two months nor ever met his child. I'm the reason his child won't have both parents, will be bullied and will never meet his father and never be able to. I sobbed, running out as I heard the team getting closer, they can't see what I'd done. What a monster I've become, especially Bucky.

My eyes were forced to shut from the sting of the tears hours later, putting me into a deep sleep.

The bright sunlight seeped in through the naked window, removing me from the deep sleep I was in. I brushed my teeth and combed my knotted hair, scrolling through my Instagram for about half an hour once I was finished. I walked out to see everyone in the kitchen, cooking something. I took a seat at the isolated table, my eyes travelling around the room to find Bucky.

"You woke up. We thought you'd have a late morning or something. You were really tired after the mission. Just sit tight, breakfast's on the way." Tony told, smile spread on his face.

"You want me to help out? I could set the table." I offered, taking a sip of the refreshing water.

"I'll do it, Barnes was supposed to, but he's a no show till now. Could you call him for me?"

"S-Sure, be right back." I stuttered, exiting the crowded kitchen.

I made my way down the hallway, finally stopping at Bucky's door. Bringing my hand up to knock on the wooden opening, a woman's moan rang in my ear, compelling my heart to sink. Me and Bucky weren't exclusive or even dating, we were just close friends who fooled around with each other. Inevitably, I fell for him a few months ago and have been, since then, debating on whether to confess or not. He obviously didn't feel the same way, considering he fools around with other girls. I felt tears attacking my eyes before running into the closest room at the sound of Bucky telling her to go. I barged into Steve's room, seeing him staring up at me.

"Y/N? Sit," he kindly whispered, confusing me as I sat next to the soldier, "What's wrong? I know you're crying. What happened? I heard you crying last night too. I would've walked in, but I didn't want you to feel invaded."

"I killed someone Steve. I-I'm a monster who nobody could ever love." I sobbed, running out to see a confused Bucky alone in the hallway.

I isolated myself in my room, continuing to be a sobbing mess there. I remember the childhood I had without my father. I had nobody at home to take care of me. My mother would always be at work, desperate for any scraps she could get her hands on. I was constantly teased, felt horrible and even had suicidal thoughts and after all that trauma I'm doing it to another child who did nothing to deserve it. I heard a heavy knock at the door, startling me as I sat on my bed, wiping my eyes and attempting to look as presentable as possible.

"Who is it?" I exclaimed to the unknown person standing behind the door.

"It's Tony. We're starting breakfast, so get your ass back here." He shouted, earning a nod from me.

"I'm not that hungry. Just go ahead and eat without me." I told him, voice booming through the door.

"Okay, the food's on the table."

As Tony walked away, I shifted my computer to my lap, searching images or identification of the family of the agent I killed. Upon finding an address after a long time of searching, I looked at the few pictures uploaded of his wife and son. My heart melted at the sweetest picture of the infant kissing his mother and laughing. I smiled to myself, before recalling he'd suffer because of me. I could've taken the bullet, and even possibly survived but I killed his father instead.

I was startled as the door swung open, Bucky's figure walking in as I hastily closed my computer.

"You didn't eat dinner either, so I figured I'd get you a huge breakfast." He coldly muttered, placing the tray covered with food on my bedside table before walking back towards the door.

"Y-You don't have to go. I kn-know you're mad at me, but yesterday just- yesterday I made a really, really big mistake and I can't." I paused for air as he saw me on the verge of sobbing.

"Don't cry. Tell me what's wrong. I'll help, I promise." He whispered, his compelling ways urging me to tell him a secret that would make him hate me.

"I-I killed someone Bucky. Someone who'd surrendered. Somebody with a wife and a newborn he'd never met. I could've taken the bullet, but I used him as a shield," I sobbed, earning a gasp and appalled look from Bucky as I hid my face in my hands, "I killed him, Buck. He surrendered and he thought he was in the clear, but I killed him. I know you think I'm a monster now." I cried, feeling unfortunately depressed about the inevitability that was Bucky being horrified by me.

"Y/N," He whispered, hushing me and embracing me. He kissed my cheek, wiping my tears before speaking again, "I could never hate you, nor think you're a monster. Never think I will ever leave you, no matter what." His words melted my heart, urging me to pull him in for a kiss. Every time we'd kissed before was different. Our lips were perfectly synchronised, tongues dancing and sparks flying. I pulled away, breathless, staring into his blue orbs for a few moments before opening my mouth to speak.

"I love you, Bucky." I whispered, cupping his face as he frowned.

"What?" He questioned, confused out of his mind. My heart dropped at his reaction.

"I mean as a friend, I-I love you as a friend." I stuttered, eagerly attempting to correct my mistake.

"Great. I love you too, as a friend."

It'd been three months since the day I told Bucky I loved him, earning a not so happy reaction. The entire time he's discretely been avoiding me. It was Bucky's birthday party tonight and I wanted to do something special this time, before I admitted my feelings without backing out this time. I wore a tight black dress, hugging my curves perfectly, stunning makeup and torturous, yet beautiful high heels. I made my way to the party, elevator doors finally gliding open to reveal the jaw dropping party. The attendance was small, but the entertainment and settings seemed fit for the gods. The most modern speaker, blasting the best songs known, the colourful open bar, left isolated and the crowded dance floor, just to name a few of the mind blowing details of the party. I strolled up to the open bar, an empty stool calling out to me, and I ordered my favourite drink, gazing around before making my way to the team, bunched up together.

"Y/N! You look amazing!" Tony exclaimed, smirk plastered on his face as I pulled into his hug.

"She really does." Bucky slurred from the corner, two girls swooning at his side.

"Happy birthday Barnes." I monotonously said, earning a frown from the drunk, metal armed, super soldier.

"Hey Y/N? Wanna join our game?" He slurred, his drunken voice making my blood boil.

"I'm good, I just came to drop off the present so have a nice party." I told, earning frowns and quirked brows from the team.

"Sure, then, uh, why're you so dressed up?" Bucky asked, a smug tone and smirk overcoming him like a second skin.

"Oh, I set her up with one of my friends." Sam told, Bucky staring back in utter shock.

"She wouldn't." Bucky muttered underneath his breath.

"Well, have a nice party." I smiled, swaying my hips as I walked away.

After two minutes of strolling to the elevator, each step filled with misery as my shoes stabbed against my now blistered foot. I stood before the elevator doors, the light from the button calling the elevator shone in my eyes. I steeped into the isolated elevator as the doors glided open, gasping at the sight of Bucky walking in behind me. He closed the elevator and made use of the stop button to make sure whatever was going to happen wouldn't be interrupted.

"Why've you been avoiding me, doll? It aches to see you mad at me, even missing my birthday party. The party doesn't matter if you're not here." He whispered, his breath hot against my neck as his arms blocked any way out. I burst into laughter, Bucky staring at me confused.

"I'm mad at you?" I chuckled, my eyes rolling as he scoffed, "I'm not mad at you, but if I was I'd have reason to be. You hurt me, Bucky, and it hurt so fucking much because you're the last person in the entire universe who, I thought, could hurt me," I explained, his face saddening with each word that slipped out of my mouth, "I told you that I was in love with you and you just frowned and you made me feel worthless!" I raged, heart pounding in my chest as a frown formed on my face.

"I-I'm in love with you too, doll. I just didn't realise 'til now." He chuckled, wrapping his flesh arm around my waist.

"Y-You do?" I stammered, blush crept on my face.

"More than anything." He whispered, lowering his head till we faced each other. He brought his lips onto mine, passionately and lovingly kissing me.

#steverogers #buckybarnes #bucky #barnes #wintersoldier #thewintersoldier #captainamerica #bucky barnes #steve rogers #winter soldier #the winter soldier #white wolf #fluff #marvelfluff #avengers #avengers fluff #wakanda #new york #thor #tony stark #iron man

[drblueneck]

Massive Genderbent AU - Rookie 9 edition

Ok. I should really NOT be writing that, but that little shit of a story wouldn’t leave me alone and I couldn’t focus on my studies and I was going CRAZY. So, here. It’s written. NOW LEAVE ME ALONE BRAIN, LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!! I decided to post it, because I want people to enjoy the beauty of genderbender. This will turn into a fullfledged story. Maybe. Probably. Certainly. But not right now. Because I don’t have time. I NEED TIIIIMMMME.

As spring was in full bloom, it was time for Hideo-sensei - Head of the Academy - to peruse the new application forms for the upcoming year. Going through each of them and smiling at the familiar clan names, he took him a moment to notice the higher than normal percentage of girls being enrolled. As he took a closer look, his surprise went up a notch. The heirs of the most prominent ninja clans were to be in the same year class, and all but two were females. It had been a long time since such a thing happened! Hideo-sensei idly wondered if the girls would be up to par with the boys, and winced at the ludicrous idea of Genin teams made up mostly of kunoichi - their strength would never amount to that of their male counterparts, science said so. Or, well, science said so before Tsunade-sama gave it the finger... Hideo-sensei shook his head and snorted. Frankly, what were the chances for all these girls to end up like the legendary Sannin? Prodigies were a fluke, not the norm.

With a rueful sigh, he closed the files and signed them, already mourning for this future batch of Genin who would more likely than not bring down their forces’ strength for months, if not years - that is, if they ever graduated instead of mooning over boys like so many were wont to do in their debute... Hopefully, these kunoichi would have a wake-up call sooner than later!

Years later, looking back on this biased oversight, Hideo-sensei would berate himself for dismissing so easily what Konoha saw as its new rising stars and the best ninja of their generation.

  Shikaku stared at his ranting kid from where he was sitting under the shade of the great oak in their backyard, ears used to relentless tirades after years of mariage to his dear banshee of a wife. He loved her, really, he did, but damn if that troublesome woman didn’t turn him half-deaf in the first two months of their marital life. It’s without shame that Shikaku would readily admit to having prayed for his kid to turn out like him - lazy and fond of long stretches of silence. The Nara genes were usually strong, to the dismal of those who married into the clan, but it looked like Yoshino’s were as stubborn as her!

Troublesome woman indeed, Shikaku thought with fondness as his daughter finished her rant about ‘not being a kid anymore’ and thus demanding to be ‘trained as a real kunoichi to kick butts’. Maybe he stayed quiet for too long because she started tapping her tiny foot on the grassy ground, arms crossed as she dished out her best glare, and all that was done in a perfect imitation of her mother - and it only made her father want to laugh and squeeze her in a hug.

Which he did.

“Daaad! I’m serious!” Shikaru wailed, tugging harshly at her father’s spiky ponytail to punctuate her words.

“Yes you are,” he cooed, rubbing his scratchy beard against her chubby cheek.

“I wanna leaaarn!” She wailed again, squirming in his grasp and trying to escape his beard, struggling not to laugh and keep up her angry pout. It tickled!

Trapping her into his arms, Shikaku let himself fall down on his back, adjusting comfortably his neck so that he could watch the fluffy clouds go by.

“Maa, why couldn’t you be a lazy one just like your dad, hm?”

The child instantly stopped her useless squirming and with fire burning fiercely in her brown eyes, she hissed like an angry cat, “Cause I’m gonna beat Inoshi! He made Chou cry!”

Aaah, right. The first time he and his teammate decided to officially introduce their kids to each other when they were four, Inoichi’s boy - who lacked a brain to mouth filter - had taken one look at Chouza’s girl and pointed at her before saying with all the innocence of the world, “Daddy, look, she’s fat.” The poor Chouko had bursted into tears and clung to her father the whole day while Shikaru, true to her name, spent a good ten minutes scolding the boy before launching herself into a philosophical pamphlet of sorts on the serious issue of body image within the shinobi world. Inoshi had gaped at her, a bit pale, before hunching his shoulders and muttering a bit too belligerently, “Well, you’re definitely not cute...”

Inoichi had confided that to this day, his son still obsessively kept his hair short, traumatised by Shikaru gripping on his tiny ponytail so hard that she tore out a big clump of fine blond hair. Another of her mother’s bad habits... It was a good thing Shikaku got so used to the rough treatment that it felt like his head was made of steel, otherwise, between his two troublesome girls, he would’ve turned bald yeard ago!

Anyway, all that had been a year ago, and Shikaku had to marvel at his daughter’s ability to hold a grudge.

He hummed under his breath at another of his daughter’s whine about ‘stupid boys’ and wanting to train.

“Then you’ll be happy to know that you start the Academy next month,” he said, nonchalant, happy to stare at the powdery blue sky with the light weight of his kid securely held against his chest. Said kid abruptly sat up, pushing a bony knee into his ribs and he ‘oofed’. Kids... so uncaring...

“Really?!” she cried out as she bounced on his stomach, her almond-shaped eyes almost glittering with stars.

“Really.”

Shikaru dropped back down against him, squeezing her skinny arms around his neck with all her strength - and Shikaku was proud to say that it was actually a lot - as she smothered her excited ‘”thank yous” into his shirt, her feet kicking out in a show of unrestraint happiness and narrowly missing his jewels.

Inoshi was going down. Ha!

  It had been a long time since a masculine presence had been felt in the Inuzuka household. From as far as she could remember, Kiku had always been surrendered solely by her mom and sister and their dogs, with the occasional clansmen dropping by to check in with their Head. And if asked, Kiku would tell you that her mom was badass.

Once, she had asked where her father was and mom bristled and waved a fist in the air. “Who needs that pussy when you got me, huh?” Hana later told her that dad had left them because mom scared him. Tch, mom was right, what a scaredy-cat! Inuzuka women were the bomb!

And Kiku wanted to be just like her mother.

It actually amused Tsume greatly to see her youngest daughter following her everywhere like a lost puppy, even when she went to work in the Jounin HQ or meeting with members of the Council for clan matters. Kiku would closely watch her every move and copy them – sitting with an arm thrown on the back of a chair, legs slightly splayed out or crossed at the ankles; fingers drumming on the table when she wanted to fuck with uptight people like Hiashi or Fugaku; lips turning into a snarl when she wasn’t happy… Yep, her daughter was cute as a button in her mom-worship antics.

Tsume actually thought it was all just a phase and that her childish wonder would soon fade out, but Kiku never stopped praising her mom with starry eyes, asking stories of her missions, and more recently, pleading to start her training in the shinobi arts like Hana. She had already given Akamaru to her a few weeks ago, wanting her to acclimate herself to her life-partner, but Tsume had wanted to leave the shinobi training for a bit later to make sure the dog would be able to follow… So what to do, what to do?

Sighing over her dilemma, Tsume entered Shikaku’s office and dropped her latest report on his desk, not feeling one bit sympathetic as he groaned while glaring at the pile of reports that would soon turn into a tower. Usually, he had to hunt down his Jounin to get their reports on time, but strangely these past few days, they’d all been quite eager – gleeful even! – to complete their administrative duties…

Tsume shot him a mean smirk. “Serves you right for ditching us last week with the new recruits,” she said snidely, still peeved that heir commanding officer had disappeared for a whole afternoon and let the more seasoned shinobi drill the baby Jounin. Shikaku was way too good at hiding from them, the sneaky bastard.

“God, I’m surrounded by nagging women,” the man groaned, signing the papers he was reading with a flourish and attacking a new batch.

“Beats being surrounded by whiny men,” was Tsume’s quick retort.

Shikaku shrugged and stretched his arms, which Tsume took as her dismissal. All too happy to leave the Jounin Commander to his own suffering, she skipped to the door with a bounce to her step, only to reluctantly stop when Shikaku called out her name.

“What.” She was a busy woman, dammit.

He smiled apologetically before asking, “I was just wondering if you were putting your daughter into the Academy this year? Mine is going, and I’d be more at ease if some of the kids she knows were to attend too… Shikaru really needs to up her social game,” he added thoughtfully.

God, that man could be such a mother-hen sometimes! Tsume wondered if he would’ve been this dotting had he had a boy as laidback as him… Probably not.

“I’ve put in Kiku’s application but didn’t tell her anything yet. You know how my clan likes to keep the kids as long as possible and teach them at home before sending the little brats to schools, what with our dogs needing proper training too…”

Shikaku nodded. Many clans were like Tsume’s, enrolling the kids only for the last two or three years of the Academy as they preferred – or simply needed in some cases – to train their kekkai genkai first and foremost before even thinking about formal schooling.

“Well, if your girl is anything like you, she’s going to take to shinobi training like a fish to water,” he said in a smile, complimenting his Jounin’s ruthless efficiency on the field, and Tsume grinned back, showing her sharp teeth.

Maybe sending Kiku earlier than expected would actually be a good thing. Her girl was driven after all!

“She’s been bugging me about training her for weeks now. I think she’s ready to commit,” she mused outloud in a prideful tone.

With a wave of the hand, she turned around and leisurely walked out Shikaku’s office while calling out, “My girl’s totally gonna make you turn prematurely grey when she’ll be under your command, Nara!”

Chuckling at the muttered “troublesome” that her enhanced hearing caught, Tsume made her way back home, the grin never leaving her face. Damn right, her Kiku was going to become a kickass kunoichi!

(Shikaru means “to scold” which I found hilarious. Inoshi comes from inoshishi which means boar, Kiku means chrysanthemum because I just wanted to have some coherency between her sister and her, and Chouko means butterfly child, which is cute af. Next one should’ve Female!Sasuke, Male!Hinata, and I’m gonna have so much fun.)

#genderbent AU #genderbent Rookie 9 #Naruto fanfic #Female Shikamaru #Male Ino #Female Chouji #Female Kiba

[etching-bones-moved]

The Wild Thing, III

Days passed, and the man helped nurse her back to health. He fed her stories too- of his magic, of her imprisonment, and when her restlessness spilled from her body and into the flames that raced across her fingers, he coaxed her through her terror.

“This is what they wanted.” he explained, holding her at arm’s length, “Your fire, your strength.”

“Get it out.” she remembered weeping, nausea eddying wildly round her head as heat crackled in her palms, “I don’t want it.”

But neither could she give it back. She’d been born with the potential to be exceptional, the man said, hardwired into her genetic code. This in itself was not so unusual- many people possessed anomalous mutations or abnormal genes, but very few ever expressed said abnormalities and lived beyond infancy. The genes were silenced, smothered, protected. For this reason, those with magic had gone predominantly unnoticed for millennia. Even to each other.

“I don’t understand.” the girl said one afternoon, steadfastly ignoring the man’s outstretched hand as she limped around the room. This was her third circuit that week, the third day in a row she’d made it out of bed, and the third demonstration of why, exactly, she was so absurdly skinny. She was severely lacking in muscle mass. What little she had remaining quivered and complained with each disjointed step.

“How do the genes go from being silenced to being expressed? How did we change from being normal?”

“We’re not entirely sure,” the man admitted, “There’s no way to ethically run experiments on it. We think it may be caused by trauma, because there does seem to be a strong correlation, but we can’t say for certain. Everyone is fairly traumatised these days.”

“Why?”

The man sat, discomfort scattered across his features as she continued to make her way across the room.

“There are only two answers to that question. One which is overly simplistic, and one that could start a very, very long conversation. The simple answer is, the world has gone to shit.”

“And the more complicated one?”

He grinned, wry again. Her endless questions had become a source of amusement, and this in turn had become a kind of solace. It was something the girl held between them with pride, something meaningful and secret and /hers/.

“It’s a very organised kind of shit.” he divulged, “Governments across the globe are united under the banner of ‘The Society’, and together they champion oppression of all kinds. In truth it’s not so different to how it was years and years ago, but now all of the hatred is out in the open and if anybody makes a misstep, that’s it.”

She returned to her bed, and sat.

“Sure, there’s a lot of very cheerful propaganda, but behind that there’s constant surveillance and constant fear. Phone tapping, internet browser monitoring, citizen registration chips. They dug yours out,” he said, tapping a spot behind his ear, “As soon as they took you.”

Mirroring his movement, the girl found a thin line of skin that was slippery to the touch. A scar, neater than the rest.

“And yours?” she asked, voice surprisingly even. Mystery scars had apparently ceased to phase her.

“I never had one.”

“Why not?”

He held his hands up, the motion blurred between surrender and an admission of guilt.

“I was born in the resistance. Never got a chip.” said he, “I never knew the Society as you did. I never knew my parents either, only my sister. She fought with the resistance too, and she died.”

This gave rise to a pause, and for a time he did not meet the girl’s eyes.

“You were probably found because of an informer.” he said at last, “Which are really a huge concern of ours. They rip the trust out of every community, which makes it rather challenging to form alliances and groups of resistance.”

“And you are the resistance. The front-runners of it.” The man nodded.

“We are part of it. Specifically, our division is concerned with rescuing people like you. Young, empowered people.”

“For what purpose?” the girl asked, “So that you can use us as weapons instead?”

“No, of course not.” he denied, shaking his head, “We rescue you because we can, and because it’s the right thing to do. Anything you do after you’re recovered is entirely your choosing.”

“But you want us to fight for you.” The girl countered, after looking over his words with jaded eyes, “You’d be a fool not to.”

The man gave a small shrug, and the girl read it, incredulously, as a motion of uncertainty.

“Sure, we’d like that. But it’s your choice.”

“Why would I throw myself back to the people who- who did this?” she gestured to her shaking legs, still not recovered from her brief bout of activity. The man grimaced.

“I’m not saying that you do, Ismae, only that some find peace in it.”

Her initial reaction was to cringe away from the notion, but she forced herself to imagine it for a moment. She imagined her incorporeal fears solidifying into bodies, enemies she could kill. She imagined violence not as an admission, but instead as something victorious. Would going to war fill the gaps that were starting to crack through her bones?

“I’m not sure how I feel about fighting.”

“You may never be. For now, it doesn’t matter. You need to heal and you’re much too young to sign up for anything bloody.”

“How young?” she asked, intrigued with this concept of age limits, of being too young or too old. What did it matter if she was asked to do awful things? Hadn’t the worst already happened?

“You’re fourteen.” the man said, watching her closely. She took the number and turned it over a few times.

“That is more than ten.” she observed, “You said there were others like me. How old are they?”

“Some younger, some older.”

“Can I meet them?”

“In time. I’m anxious for you to heal first.”

She frowned. In her opinion, she’d already been healing for far too long. The hours of solitude and resting gave her head too much time to swarm, and the quiet voices in the back of her mind too much room to be heard. Those voices were not her friends. They scratched at every thought, and twisted every moment. Nothing but company drove them away, and even then...

She needed something more. Something that took all this confliction and channelled it.

“I don’t like healing.” was all she said.

“Not many people do.”

“I’m restless. I need purpose.”

“Soon, Ismae. Soon you can go downstairs and meet the others.”

“But how soon can I fight for you?”

The man sighed, sinking into his chair.

"I don't know Ismae, but I won't take you while you're fourteen."

She scowled at his decency. It was fast outliving its usefulness.

"They would." she pointed out, taking to her feet again in defiance, "Surely to beat them, you must match them."

 "You're in favour of such young soldiers?"

Edging round the room once more, the girl considered this.

"If they’re an asset, and willing. It sounds like you need all the help you can get."

He dipped his head. She frowned some more.

"There's bad news." he said at last, "I'm leaving, this evening."

She stopped, irritation draining away. In its place sat an awful disquiet, softly radiating from her core to her extremities.

"I thought you were staying here." she said, so quietly she expected her voice would snap, "To look after me."

“I’m needed elsewhere. We think we’ve found another child.”

/Child/. The word sat oddly on the girl’s shoulders, and paired with the hollow realisation that she was being left behind, she suddenly felt betrayed.

The girl opened her mouth. Closed it. Resumed her lopsided movements, wholly uncomfortable with revealing how terribly his words had torn through her. Let him go then. Let him rescue another child. She would wait, and heal, and grow stronger as he did so. She would make herself indispensable.

“You’ll be cared for, Ismae.” he assured, voice not quite the balm it used to be. She pretended it was, anyway, “You’ll be alright.”

She walked once more around the room, thighs trembling.

“Yes of course, go.” she said at last, smiling tightly, “I’ll be absolutely fine.”

Next

 The Greylek Initiative tag

#spilled ink #inkstay #WIP boost #excerpt from a book I'll never write #Writers on tumblr #tgi #original #prose #ismae #my writing

[freaksneedfriendstoo]

My name is Julie and I have a very real and moving Testimony I would like to share with you. Please share this with anyone struggling with mental health, abuse or addiction so that they can know Gods power.

I was born in Toronto in 1983 and taken by CAS at 3 months old. The details surrounding this are sketchy for me but basically my mother got arrested and she got my aunt to watch me who then gave me to a lady she met on the street. I had a very bad cough and the lady took me to the hospital who called CAS because apparently I had bruises. I spent 10 months in foster care and was then adopted. I had psycological problems from the start and would destroy and rip everything apart. I think its because I never had normal bonding or was traumatised. I spent my youth very bullied and I would usually just walk around by myself all recess watching the other kids play. I liked to be alone and at 11 I was taken to a psychiatrist because I became so reclusive and stopped wanting to even eat. I would just listen to my micheal jackson tapes over and over on my walkman with my face buried in the couch.

I started cutting myself at 14 and smoking weed and cigarettes. I got sent to a psychiatric ward the summer after grade 9 and would never live with my adoptive parents again. I got passed through such facilities as Youthdale, Whitby psyc, Thistletown in Etobicoke and Crossroads run by Kinark. In the hospitals I was frequently left alone in restraints tying me to a bed and given so many drugs my personality was gone. My adoptive parents didnt even know me anymore when they visited.

At Whitby I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder by a team of psychiatrists. I frequently would run away from the group home crossroads and once in a fit of rage I climbed the fire escape and threw myself off the roof. An ambulance arrived and put me on a board. I had hairline fractured my lower back.

Shortly after this I ran away from there for good and met up with a 25 year old man named Andrew. I was 16 at the time He was homeless and I stuck to him like glue as he showed me how to live on the street. He had a terrible temper and would beat me especially when he was drunk. I spent 11 months with him living on the street in abandonded houses, under a bridge and for a short time in an apartment in Bradford they we got through a worker. The police would get called to the apartment because people would hear me screaming from him hitting me. I was abusing cocaine and would use anything I could to get high.

After we left there we stayed on the street again and one night around 2am Andrew was drunk and he was literally beating me to death. He was sitting on me and just going at it. He put his hand in my mouth and tried to break my jaw. When I looked in his eyes it was like he didnt even know me anymore. The thought came into my mind to yell at him and desperate I started yelling at him to get away from me. To my astonishment he actually walked away from me yelling at me. I got up and ran pausing for moment to gaze a my reflection in a store window. My face was all swollen and bruised. I ran behind a mall and found a man making deliveries who called mall security who called the police.

I got placed in a group home in Newmarket called Heritage Lodge. I met a 26 year old drug dealer named Doug and started dating him. He got me into using needles shooting cocaine and oxycitin. I would abuse any pills to get high such as Gravol. He would also hit me and I got kicked in the head by him 2 times in a row with shoes on so hard I blacked out for a moment. He got arrested for this and then I went back to him about 6 months later. I had no feelings of self worth or real love.

When I was 18, I took an overdose of pills and went to the hospital and told them I was suicidal. They put me in a small room to wait and see someone. The room had a framed picture on the wall and sadly I broke the glass in the frame and I slit my wrists so badly up and down my forearm that my arm is disfigured by scars for the rest of my life. 4 thick, ropey scars.

At 19 I got pregnant by Doug and went with the baby to a womans shelter when the baby was around 3 months old. We went to Rosalie Hall in Scarborough and Sandgate womans shelter. I recieved emergency housing and was given a one bedroom apartment in a co-op. So now it was just me and my baby. My adoptive parents lent me a small black and white tv and a sleeping bag and I would camp out on the floor snuggling my baby until I got furniture.

After about a year I felt this urgency to find out the truth in life. I went to a used book store called Random Books to see what I could find. I found a book called There’s A New World Coming. The title sparked my interest so I bought it. I took it home and read it right through. It was all about Bible prophecy. At the end of the book was a prayer to recieve Jesus as your Saviour. I recognized that I was a terrible sinner and jumped at the chance to have a Saviour. I prayed for Jesus to be my Saviour and to forgive my sins. I confessed my faith in Him.

Then I tell you the truth I felt God’s indescribable, powerful love washing over me like gentle ocean waves. I spent like a week crying and praying. Confessing my sins. You see having borderline disorder the only thing I had ever felt was desperation. Desperation to be loved but I had no idea what love was nor could I express it. I had felt rage, I had felt pain like there was a giant hole in my chest.

In that moment God filled that hole with His love and peace. He gave me His Holy Spirit and great faith. He forgave me for all my wretched sins because of His great mercy. I have never been the same.

I began distributing Bible tracts and going to church. I got baptised on June 12 2005 and my baptism certificate sits by my bed. Instead of self destruction and self hatred I can by the power of the Holy Spirit feel love and compassion for others. I will help anyone and am moved to express love for others in whatever way I can.

God has filled me with His great compassion for the homeless as I know what it is like to sit panhandling. This new creation He has made in me prepares packages with Bible tracts and gift cards and treats and now I go seek out the broken and the lost on the streets of Toronto every two months.

This Christmas the Holy Spirit moved me to prepare gifts for the homeless and I set out Christmas morning with a hockey bag filled with wrapped packages of pot of gold chocolates, gift cards, handmade cards filled with Scriptures about hope and belonging. ‘No Greater Love Then Jesus’ is what the covers read. God uses me to bring His love to them. God’s love and compassion are the most beautiful things I have ever felt and He fills my heart in an indescribable way. This is just one example of what God has done in my life.

So when people dont believe in God I can tell them without a doubt that God is real. He has done a miracle in me. Everything in the Bible is true. God is good. He is pure in everyway. He is light and He sent His Son Jesus to destroy the works of the devil. The devil devours kids like I was but the Lord rescues them. He saves them.

My name is Julie and I am a living testimony that God is mighty to save and with His Spirit, He can transform even the most broken, hopeless person. Its all about having faith in Jesus and surrendering to His Spirit. Chris Tomlin music has helped me greatly with this as it is so soothing to my soul.

The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentless, faithfulness and self control. I really rely on God’s Holy Spirit as apart from Him I cant feel love, peace, compassion or joy. It’s not things I can or have produced on my own. The works of the flesh (me without Jesus) were all destructive and led to death. Here is my poem called broken that I wrote 12 years ago during the first week I was saved. It poured from me like water.

BROKEN I look at my wrists, I see the scars I search my soul, I know my shame I’ve been led by the blind and beaten down by sin I should have died, but You wouldn’t let them win I see Your hands, the holes in Your palms I know your glory has overcome all pain I turn to You Lord, in my broken suffering A love unimaginable, how can this be In all my wretchedness, You reached out to save me A soul so pure, my hero, Your truth The word of God that whispered to my heart and set me free As I tripped over trials, in this deathly darkness I looked for the way Your light opened my soul and my eyes lit up with hope You showed me a path that I can now take Thanks to Your selfless sacrifice This girl will never fade away I toddle like a baby, into Your strong hands I am Yours, You have made me new again Paralized with tears, my repentance shakes my being Then You kiss my tears away and I am no longer unclean Thank you Father, my cross I’ll bear 'Till the day I go home, when You shout from the sky All Your children will run to You with a happy cry And there I’ll be, tucked safely under Your wing As we fly away, this life will have seemed like a dream I will never forget how You gave Yourself for me I love you Lord Jesus

#testimony #Jesus

[delriddlesblog]

Here's for anybody who might me interested

A rather darkish hurt/comfort fanfic I wrote after finally watching Thor: Ragnarok.

Summary: Loki had to do some 'things' to gain the Grandmaster's favour. It still haunts him. Thor notices and forces him to talk.

Warning: implied rape, rather angsty, ragnarok spoilers, sad Loki, traumatised Loki, Comforting Thor, brotherly acceptance.

Word count: 2k+ (slightly over 2k actually. I lost count while editing)

So, here it is.

.

.

.

'Loki, I need to talk to you.' Thor entered his brother's chambers aboard their new home, their escape vessel. It had taken a few days to get things settled properly, and he hadn't been able to talk to his brother in the mean time.

'What is it Thor?' Loki was sitting on his bed, reading, with his back resting against the wall and feet in front of him.

'There is something that has been bothering me.'

'And you believe like every other time it's me?'

'No,no. Not that! Let me finish.' Thor walked down to Loki's bed and the latter shifted his feet to allow him to sit.

'It is about that planet Sakaar. I want to know about your dealings with the Grandmaster.'

Loki turned slightly red at the mention of the name of the grandmaster. 'And how can that be bothering you brother?'

'Maybe it's not directly bothering me, but it is bothering you. You sometimes seem like you're not the Loki I knew, after coming back from there.'

'Is it now? What do you want me to do? Turn into a snake and stab you again?'

Thor gave a small smile, a small spark of unfelt joy finding a place in his heart at the mention of the incident.

'It isn't that simple anymore, is it?'

'Of course not.'

'But you have to speak out. That grandmaster was a lunatic! How did you manage to earn his favour?'

'It is a rather long story, and I wouldn't want to waste the king's time on it.' Loki shut the book he was reading and got up from the bed to go and stand by the window. Thor followed.

'I have enough time for you. You know that.'

'Thor, please-'

Thor grabbed him by the shoulders and pinned him down with his back pressed firmly against the window. Loki didn't try to move, but if looks could kill, Thor would be seriously injured. His eyes weren't as sharp as they usually were.

'Look Loki, you have to tell me!'

'Why, may I ask?'

'I need more motivation to find and kill that man.'

'So cutting your hair wasn't motivation enough?' Loki tried to flash a smile, but wavered under Thor's stern gaze.

'Loki, I'm serious. Am I not your brother? Will you not talk to me? Loki I have seen how you behaved around him, I've seen how you still turn red at his mention. There is something you're hiding brother. So, how did you manage to be in good terms with that man?

Loki couldn't look into his brother's eyes. His head hung low as he spoke in a hushed whisper, 'Fine. You won't let me hide it, will you. I'll tell you.' he took a shaky breath, then in an even lower voice he spoke again, 'he used me.'

'Used you brother? What does that mean?' there was a tone of alarm in his voice.

If Loki's head could drop any lower, it would have. With his voice still a barely audible whisper he spoke, 'When I landed on his planet, I was found by his henchmen and given to him, the very same way you did. I didn't qualify as a fighter, but he gave me a proposal, he would let me live, live the life of a prince, if I surrendered myself to him. As long as I gave in to all of his wicked desires, as long as I gave him total control over me, he'd let me live.'

'So, he turned you into a slave....' Thor's grip on his shoulder loosened and with one hand he reached out to touch his poor brother's face. Whatever he did live through on Sakaar was sure to never stop haunting him. He cupped his brother's chin and raised it to look at his face. He was shaking slightly, his face red with his eyes tight shut, but Thor could see the droplets in the corner of his eyes.

It pained Thor to see his dear brother like this. Maybe he could never understand the full extent of his brother's trauma, but he knew it wouldn't have been easy for somebody the likes of Loki to surrender himself as a slave to somebody else...

The tears finally rolled down Loki's cheeks. He reached one hand out to touch Thor's hand which was still gripping his shoulder.

'You wanted to know brother? I'll tell you. I'll tell you about everything. Then maybe you'll kill me of shame after I failed doing so myself.'

'Do not say such things brother, you know I can never truly think of killing you.'

'Maybe now you will.'

'Broth-'

'I wasn't just any slave, Thor... I was... I was his ...' Loki couldn't bring himself to say the word... Thor's concern grew. What had that man done to his delicate brother!

'He ... He made me... Into a ....wh-wh-whore' saying the words he started to sob, tear after tear rolling down the sharp but delicate contours of his face, his body shaking, with fear, with shame, with so much more that he could never explain.

Thor was silently staring at him. There was something in his eyes that Loki couldn't quite identify. The fact that Thor did not pull away from him immediately, but kept his grip on him steady, maybe even held on a little tighter, gave Loki enough courage to keep talking to his brother.

'When I landed on Sakaar, it was his own ship that found me among the rubble. I was brought in just like you were, but I was no fighter; so he find other uses for me.... more.. personal uses. In the beginning I refused! Believe me brother, I resisted! But he was too powerful, it was his planet, I was the helpless alien, stranded, at his mercy. I would have died instead of enduring such shame, but he wouldn't let me. He wouldn't let me die, he wouldn't let me live, he slowly took control of me, of my total being. He would pour drugged concoctions down my throat and put me in chains and slowly break me. Bit by bit. Till I was absolutely broken. Under his control. I don't know what all he put inside me, all sorts of odd drinks and drugs. All his experiments, he tried out on me! I couldn't take it. Believe me brother, after the Chitauri, I had thought I would be able to hold my own against him, but I was wrong. He was worse... All sorts of terrible nightmares, awake or asleep wouldn't stop haunting me, he would use me whenever he wanted, however he wanted. Leaving me too broken and helpless to do anything .... I had felt there was no escape from that Hell. Whenever I tried to defy him, he would just drug me and torture and ...r-rape me and leave me to my shame and misery. I finally broke after a few weeks. Only then did some of the torture stop, only then did those horrifying drugs stop.... But he continued to ... to use me.. my body...' he was visibly shaking, and openly sobbing. It was as if speaking out about what he'd been through gave him the confidence to let his guard down before his brother, which he hadn't done since..... he really couldn't remember. He reached forward and wrapped both his arms around his brother's larger frame, crying into his shoulder.

Thor was unsure of what to do. He had always wanted to see Loki in his purest form, without all those walls and barriers around him, without all the spite and anger surging through him; but now that the fragile thing that his brother was, or had become, was in front of him he was unsure of what to do. He wrapped his arms around Loki, his smaller, leaner frame easily covered completely by his own. Thor's mind still trying to grasp all that his brother had just spilled before him. What he had revealed was disturbing indeed. He swore to himself that he would hunt down that man and slowly torture him to death. He placed a gentle hand on Loki's head in an effort to comfort him, though he wasn't sure if it was enough ..

Loki spoke in between sobs, 'I thought that is how my life would end, as his... his wh-whore.... Serving him with my body till my last day. I had given up all hope brother. I thought I might as well try to meddle in, seeing there was no escape for me... Till you came along. I assure you brother, I have never been more relieved to see you. Seeing you there was , it was like the last dying spark of hope inside me, the last glowing ember, had found a new reason to go on burning. Maybe not willingly, but I knew you would help me. Maybe you could never trust me, but I knew I could bet my life on you.... Even now, when it's all in the past, I'm far away from that, from him... It still haunts me brother, all that he put me through, I fear it's shadow will never leave me. It's too hard, too hard to forget. I feel so horrible, so disgusted with myself, for stooping so low just to survive, for still being standing here, living, for all that I let happen to myself... For- for everything...' Loki's grip on his brother tightened as he poured the entirety of his heart out to his brother. Maybe he could never forget, but knowing that his brother knew, somehow made the load of his shame and guilt slightly easier to carry.

Thor held on to his brother as he sobbed on his shoulder, then slowly started to rock him back and forth, as their mother had once done when either of them was crying, or sick, or just upset. Then, he did something that he probably hadn't done since they were children. He slowly shifted his shoulder from under his brother's shoulder so that he was forced to look up, and softly, very gently kissed his forehead. This action seemed to take him by surprise.

Thor then put his brother's head back on his shoulder, and still gently rocking him back and forth, he spoke in the most soothing voice he could manage, 'Brother, do not blame yourself for this. It isn't your fault. It is not you who is to be blamed, you were not in control of anything that man did to you. Your actions were what was necessary to survive. Believe me brother, even after all that has been between us, I would have come for you. Though it was fortune that brought us together this time, remember this, Never will I abandon you again; I had been foolish enough to do that before, and have learnt my lesson. We may not always be on the same path brother, but remember this, I have always loved you, and will always love you. You are my little brother, do not try to deny it, and no matter what happens that will never change. You are my only family left, and I promise, I'll be through Hell and back to protect you.'

Loki had stopped sobbing, but the only noise he made was his unsteady raspy breathing. He slowly raised his head and looked into his brother's bright blue eyes. And looking into them, he knew. He knew he was safe, he was secure.... but most of all.... he was loved. His thin lips curved into a weak smile.

Thor saw the small flicker of a smile on his brother's tear stained face, and he could feel his own heart lighten up. He knew that smile. That small innocent smile that Loki had smiled last many ages ago. Thor smiled back.

'Loki, I understand how hard it is for you. Maybe what you say is true, maybe you'll never truly be able to forget ... But we'll share this burden of yours. I swear on my life brother, I will live up to what you need of me, I will not abandon you again. Maybe we cannot change the past, but what we can do is stand by each other.... and you're never truly alone. I'm here for you.'

'Thor... Brother.'

'Brother.

.

.

.

.

Constructive criticism welcome. Please feel free to comment. This is my first real fanfic. I just hope it's worth reading.

#i'm sorry #thor #loki #grandmaster #thor odinson #loki laufeyson #loki son of odin #thor and loki #brothers #loki trauma #thor ragnarok #thor ragnarok spoilers #ragnarok spoliers #avengers #mcu #brother #loki angst #my fic #fan fic #first work #story #literature #first try #fan fiction #angst #tom hiddleston #chris hemsworth

[danfanciesphil]

Okay, I had this idea but I cANT WRITE SO hi,, a fic where dnp watch a horror movie and it really scares Dan and he can’t sleep so he gets up and goes to Phil’s room for comfort (you can choose the rest eheh)

loving that my followers are getting into the spoopy mindset in the first week of october, kudos. 

Enjoy! x

Come on, it’s Halloween, Dan! 

Phil’s words cartwheel through Dan’s mind, taunting him. Why does he ever listen to the prat? 

Scary movies on Halloween is the law. 

Dan had tried to protest. He had. There are times where a horror film seems like a fun, laughable activity to pass the time. In the middle of the day, for example, when the bright sunshine outside won’t fade for hours and hours, meaning that by the time it gets dark, Dan will have forgotten all about the gore and the jumpscares. 

A horror film late on Halloween night, however, is another matter entirely. It’s not that Dan doesn’t enjoy horror films. He appreciates them for what they are - an art form in their own right, a highly underrated genre that deserves more recognition. 

So, because he didn’t want to sound like a nutcase afraid of his own shadow, and because all his and Phil’s friends were watching him, Dan had surrendered. 

They’d watched The Grudge - a Phil-pick, obviously, as it stars his beloved waifu - and then Paranormal Activity, the first one. 

These two films in themselves hadn’t been that bad, even. Dan has seen them both before multiple times, so he figured he might be okay. But then someone, PJ, Dan thinks, suggested Guillermo Del Toro’s The Orphanage, which Dan had not seen before tonight. 

Why are foreign language horror films so much more terrifying? Perhaps the subtitles force you to look at the screen instead of hiding behind your hands. 

Or maybe Dan is just a wuss. 

So now, Dan is laid in his bed, his lamp still on. He’s been flat on his back, every limb securely beneath the covers, for what must be an hour now, maybe longer. 

He’s frozen, rigor mortis having set in prematurely as he lays in the dark, at 3am, waiting to be murdered by Tomas, a deformed little ghost boy with a sack on his head. 

This is all fucking Phil’s fault. 

The more Dan thinks about his predicament, the more he thinks Phil should really be the one to pay the price for it. After all, he himself looked a little pale after finally switching the TV off once The Orphanage had ended. In fact, as people began to file out of their door, they seemed a little shaken. Dan remembers, as he waved goodbye, that he really, really didn’t envy them, heading off separately into the wee hours on Halloween night. 

So yeah, Phil should definitely feel bad about traumatising everyone. If anyone should be punished for bringing on this post-horror film anxiety, especially when he knows Dan gets scared, it’s Phil. 

Dan thinks about it for around five minutes longer, trying and trying to summon an ounce of courage from the base of whatever flimsy noodle has replaced his spine. 

Then, resisting the urge to scream in terror, Dan throws the covers off himself, and jumps off the bed, bolting to his bedroom door so fast he’s a little shocked at his agility. 

He yanks the door open and runs through, then sprints over into Phil’s room, closing the door behind him before leaping onto the bed. 

Phil immediately yelps in fear, which makes Dan scream in return. They both cower from one another, petrified and confused, and then Phil flicks on his bedside light. 

He has no glasses on, and he’s squinting. His hair is sticking up every which way, but he has his hand out in a karate chop stance, as though his plan were to battle an intruder with his kung-fu skills from beneath the duvet. 

“Dan?” Phil asks after he’s registered what’s going on. He’s breathing heavily, clearly still panicked. “What’s going on? What are you-?”

“I’m sleeping in here.” Dan tells him crossly, shoving his legs under the covers and shuffling down. “Don’t try and argue with me.” 

Phil stares at him. Dan can practically hear the cogs whirring in his brain as he attempts to process what’s going on. 

Then, a smile breaks across Phil’s soft, pink mouth. He shuffles down to lie beside Dan, staring at him amusedly from the other pillow. 

Dan scowls in return. 

“You’re scared.” 

“Fuck you.” 

“You know, I swear I thought I saw some long black hair peeking out from under that pillow…”

“I fucking hate you.” 

“You’re right, nothing will yank you out of bed and down the hall.” Phil smiles sweetly. “Well, probably.” 

Dan hits him multiple times in the shoulder, making Phil laugh. “You’re such a dick! You knew I’d get scared!” 

“Ow!” Phil chuckles, seizing hold of his wrist to stop him. “Look-”

“How many times have I told you that I can’t watch horror films before bed?” Dan demands accusatorially. “The way I see it, you’re the one that got me in a state, so you’re the one who has to deal with my insane paranoia.”

Phil tries to look ashamed, but he’s still smiling. Dan growls, turning over so he’s facing the other way. Of course, this means he’s facing the dark void of Phil’s unlit bedroom, but that can’t be helped right now. 

He shuts his eyes so he doesn’t torture himself with picking shapes out of the shadows. 

“I’m a bed hog, by the way.” Dan bites out. “Not sorry.” 

“You act like I don’t know that already.” 

This catches Dan off guard, and he opens his eyes for a moment, forgetting the darkness swarming from all sides. 

“We haven’t shared a bed in years.” 

“Did you ever consider that maybe I had an ulterior motive, plying you with horror films tonight?”

A shiver cascades over Dan’s body, rippling goosbumps into his skin. This time, they aren’t born of fear. He turns, slowly, flipping over to face Phil again. 

He eyes the older man with suspicion. “You mean to tell me… that you knew if I was scared enough, I’d…”

“Crawl into bed with me?” Phil supplies, still smirking with amusement. “I might have remembered that’s something you used to do after our scary film nights way back when.” 

Dan’s mouth falls open, indignant. “You manipulated me.”

Phil nods happily, seeming completely unconcerned by this. “I wanted to cuddle you.” He pauses, flushing slightly. “I’ve wanted to for ages, actually.”

The information passes over Dan, seeping into his skin, rushing through his blood. It doesn’t seem real. Perhaps this is all a strange, adrenaline-induced dream. 

Partly to be sure it isn’t, and partly because Phil is still a fucking dick, Dan hits him in the shoulder again. 

“You could’ve just asked me!” 

“I thought you might find it weird.” Phil confesses, shrugging. “This was way more likely to work.” 

Dan reddens, hating his own predictable nature. He shifts and scowls, resisting the urge to stick his tongue out at Phil like a child. 

“Fat chance,” he mumbles. “No way I’m cuddling someone who tortures me with my worst fears just to get me into bed.”

Phil doesn’t say anything, so Dan looks into his face, suspicious. Phil is staring at something over Dan’s shoulder, eyes wide and unblinking. 

“Dan, is that… Tomas?” 

Dan shoots forwards into Phil’s arms so fast it almost winds them both. Phil laughs for what seems like fifty years, not letting Dan wriggle out of his grasp, so Dan does the only thing he can think of to shut Phil up. 

When he draws back from the kiss, he notices goosebumps along Phil’s arms. 

#have a prompt for me? drop it in my ask box! #thank you darling #hope you liked it! #anon #ellen answers #prompts #fluff #halloween

[someoneintheshadow456]

After reading the sheer WTF-ery that was GOT Season 8 Plot Leaks (seriously they are AWFUL and I'm praying to God they're fake) and getting depressed because of them, I did a lot of thinking about the quality of GOT as a whole.

The first four seasons were awesome and 90% stayed true to the books, and whatever changes they made from the books were minuscule or enough to hold the same spirit of the original. However season 5 and onward feels like a completely different show, and that was the point where D&D lost GRRM's input. The plot became more thin, characters started becoming more predictable, and the realism was starting to go away. 

So I decided... how to fix GOT? How should the adaptation of The Song of Ice and Fire have gone? What would have been ideal?

Seasons 1-4 would be left as is with a few minor tweaks:

Drogo will no longer rape Dany on the wedding night just like in the books, but the "controlling" scene will still be there to show her respect. 

The "most girls are idiots" line Arya says to Tywin will be removed because Arya in the books wasn't a "not like other girls" girl. 

Arya's warg powers will be hinted at just like in the books, she will have dreams of wolves howling, etc. Jon will also be hinted at to have warg powers. 

Ygritte will tell Jon the story of the first Stark king whose daughter married a magic Wildling and thus all the Starks have wargs powers.

Stannis will be more close to his original incarnation, and his excuse for believing  in Lord of Light (his parents' deaths) will be incorporated. Plus those people he burned were also traitors just like the books and not just burned for no reason. 

Doreah doesn't betray Dany, instead she just dies like the book

Shireen will have black hair (because when Season 1 emphasized it so much it looks strange to see a blonde Baratheon)

Renly will be more like his original incarnation in the sense the part where he mocks Stannis for not having sons will be there, he will be less sympathetic. 

Loras character focus will be more on his nature as a warrior and less on his sexuality (because we don't want flaming gay stereotypes)

Varys was supporting the Quentin Martel thing instead of Viserys 

Yara's bisexuality will be hinted at from the start instead of out of nowhere

Tysha will be mentioned by Tywin and he says she died after the whole incident 

Now comes the point where the changes start getting made, starting with the absolute worst of the bunch, Season 5:

Rhe Maggy the Frog flashback will have explicitly stating Cersei liked Rhaegar like the books, and the Valonquar prophecy will be mentioned and hinted at. 

DORNE DORNE DORNE - Dorne subplot will be almost identical to the books, with Aerys Oakheart, Arianne Martel, Quentin, all that stuff. 

But Jaime and Bronn will still go to Dorne on a diplomatic mission to protect Myrcella because somebody (Darkstar) is creating tension between the Sand Snakes, Arianne, etc. and the tensions could get Myrcella killed

Jaime and Bronn spend the time observing everything that's going on and initially start suspecting Ellaria but she tries to prove her innocence, when they overhear that the Sand Snakes want to kill everyone who isn't Myrcella they try to stop them and get into a REAL FIGHT SCENE THAT SHOWS THEIR TRUE POWER UNLIKE THE STUPID ONE FROM THE SHOW

The same confrontation with Darkstar happens but when they find out it's too late and Myrcella dies (a change from the books) in the scuffle. The Sand Snakes and Arianne realise their mistake and grieve over Myrcella but Cersei has not forgiven them and wants them dead.

High Sparrow - No more references to modern day issues, but they will have the same type of power they did in the show. 

They don't try to arrest Loras for being gay, Cersei tries to get them to arrest Margery for not being a virgin before marriage just like in the books. But in the process of Cersei trying to do that, high sparrow finds out Cersei's incest and same like the show happens. 

...but in spite of that Margeary gets arrested for something else and pretends to be pious just like in the show 

Danaerys subplot - Instead of marrying Hizdar, she will marry Quentin, and Hizdar will instead be the slimy guy with connections to Sons of Harpy like the books. And same Quentin subplot will happen like the books. 

Dany doesn't feed people to her dragons (I HATED this part)

BARISTAN SELMY DOESN'T DIE

But Jorah will still have the Greyscale and Tyrion/Dany stuff will be just like the show

And Littlefinger will still give Sansa to the Boltons, but Sansa will be more active in trying to get out of there and she convinces Theon to get out of his "Reek" mode and escape with her

Brienne and Pod won't go to Essos (because that was one good change from the books) and instead protect Sansa and she along with Theon will make a plot to escape from Bolton

Jon Snow subplot will still be the same but his last word will be "Ghost" just like the book

STANNIS F*** STANNIS - Ramsay's "20 good men" don't derail his campaign. Instead they are derailed by a sudden blizzard that freezes most of their food. 

Selyse and Melissandre have Shireen burned in secret without the knowledge or consent of Stannis and his men. Stannis asks where is Shireen but Melissandre and Selyse lie to him and they go fight Battle of Winterfell which ends in a close cut instead of a massacre for Stannis, and he is killed by Ramsay but Ramsay is badly wounded. Selyse hangs herself.

Red woman sees the error of her ways and goes to Castle Black

Arya's Faceless Man subplot will be the same but with more hints that Jaquen is Syrio

Season 6 (...mostly the same, I wouldn't change much)

⦁ Cersei wants to get her revenge on the Martels for Myrcella's death but Martels don't care about direct revenge they want to find a Plan B for Operation Get with Dany after Quentin died. Dorne shows up in one episode discussing that. 

⦁ Instead of Arya not seeing it coming that the Waif was attacking her, she prepares for it. She gets Needle and goes underground, waiting for the Waif to come and get her and they have a fight scene and it's a close match before Arya cuts the light and she kills Waif.

⦁ Rickon DOES run zigzag and makes it to Jon, who doesn't run towards him listening to Sansa's advice. But he has an archer from a hidden location shoot an arrow at Rickon as soon as he reaches Jon. 

⦁ Sansa doesn't lie to Jon about Riverrun or the Vale knights. She tells him right away so that Battle of Bastards is much easier and there is less pointless conflict. 

⦁ It's stated that the Umbers lost respect for the Starks after Robb and the Red Wedding which is why they joined with Ramsay 

⦁ When she says she is Arya Stark of Winterfell and she is going home. Jaquen finally takes his mask off to reveal that he was Syrio Forel all along and bids her farewell.

⦁ In the whole Sept of Baelor thing, Loras makes it out alive and he and Olenna Tyrell vow to get vengance on the Lannisters and join with Dany. 

⦁ Edmure and Rosalyn escape the seige on Riverrun and take refuge.

 Season 7:

 Instead of the Dragonglass thing (something we ALREADY KNOW), Sam instead finds a book saying there is an Ice Dragon's egg buried in Castle Black. He sends a raven to Dolorous Edd and Jon Snow about both the dragon glass and the ice dragon

⦁ In the boat scene, there is a proper fight and the Sand Snakes and Yara are captured to be tortured in Cersei's dungeon. Arianne Martel and Ellaria escape and join with the rest of the group. 

⦁ Instead of Theon getting PTSD in the boat scene, Yara shakes her head when Euron says "rescue her" so it was planned that Theon would jump off the boat

⦁ When Jon meets Dany he mentions Aemon Targaryen so she gets a soft spot for him

⦁ Dolorous Edd follows the instructions of the letter that Sam gave him and he finds the Ice Dragon egg. He has it sent to Jon and Jon decides to keep it until he knows how to hatch it. 

⦁ The fight with Highgarden is won by Loras and his army and Dany takes all the Lannister gold and food. So the only one they lost is Dorne. However Randyl and Dickon refuse to bend the knee and they still die.

⦁ Nymeria meets Arya with her wolf army and she "tests" Arya by attacking her without killing her to see if she can match her. Arya passes the test using her newly discovered warg powers and Nymeria and her wolf army join with Arya. During this time Ghost leaves Jon and joins with Arya's wolf army. 

⦁ Jaime survives the fight and surrenders. He sees Olenna is dying (of natural causes), on her deathbed she confesses to killing Joffrey. 

⦁ So the Iron Bank doesn't get their debt paid and Cersei is screwed but she still thinks she can win somehow

⦁ Bran didn't "die in the cave," but he is traumatised by what he saw beyond the wall. There is a point about Meera being in love with Bran but it's one sided

⦁ The Stark Sisters bullshit drama is made more clear that it's bullshit. There's a bit of extra parts where Sansa and Bran tell Arya Littlefinger is a bad guy and will try to turn people against each other. 

⦁ Dany and Jon will take time to fall in love and mostly clash at this point instead. Jon doesn't bend the knee to Dany. By the end they have respect towards each other. 

⦁ Gendry and Jon bond about ARYA NOT NED. 

⦁ Because Highgarden was already won, Dany flies over EastWatch with Viserion and Drogon as the rest of the group does the capture opreation. 

⦁ Jon's name is Jahaerys Targaryen not Aegon Targaryen 

⦁ The final shot is Sam and Bran talking about Jon's lineage as Jon's dragon egg hatches in Eastwatch Castle to reveal a female ice dragon, who Jon names Ygritte. 

Season 8 Speculation (assuming the leaks are unfortunately real):

⦁ It has been a year and now Ygritte has become a big dragon

⦁ Initially North doesn't trust Dany but Jon urges them to work together until the White Walkers are gone.

⦁ Team Dany and Team Jon band together to defeat Cersei who is basically screwed save for having Euron's forces. But Sansa and Arya stay in Winterfell to keep watch. Team Wildling Army also stays behind to check for White Walkers.

⦁ Jon rides Ygritte into battle and she and Dany and Drogon both fight.

⦁ Robin Aryn is back and while he is not strong, he is very clever and it was found he is intelligent and reads a lot of books like Sam. He goes to Winterfell because it is no longer safe in the Vale and he and Sansa bond.

⦁ Arya/Gendry and Brienne/Jaime shipping moments will be there.

⦁ Melissandre goes back to Volantis and says her role is done because Ice and Fire are now one

⦁ Jon and Dany's relationship will be expanded.

⦁ Theon kills Euron while Jaime fulfills the Valonquar prophecy before killing himself.

⦁ CleganeBowl happens and Sandor wins but he also dies as he was mortally wounded in the fight.

⦁ Loras, Sand Snakes, Ellaria, Brienne, Podrick, Grey Worm, all die in the final battle

⦁ Once Cersei is taken care of, everyone bands together to fight the White Walkers. Boat Scene happens on the way back.

⦁ Bran tells Jon about his true lineage. This causes a conflict between Jon and Dany about the throne. Jon angsts about his lineage but decides he is not Jahaerys or Jon or Stark or Targaryen, he is himself.

⦁ In the end Dany decides she will abdicate the throne, Jon says no because she is also good at ruling. They decide they will marry.

⦁ White Walkers come and the fight begins.

⦁ Arya uses her wolf army to fight the White Walkers. Bran wargs into Rhaegal who was left behind. Jon defeats the Night's King.

⦁ Tormund, most of the White Walker Squad, Bran, all die in the White Walker battle.

THE ENDING (assuming the leaks are real):

 Sam becomes Lord of the Reach and Gilly marries him

Edmure and Rosalyn rule over Riverrrun 

Arya marries Gendry Baratheon and she becomes The She-Wolf of Storm's End. They have a son - Syrio Baratheon

Sansa marries Robin Arryn who instead takes his wife's name and becomes Robin Stark, so Sansa is Lady of Winterfell. They have a son - Eddard Stark

Arianne Martel rules over Dorne in the absence of her other relatives

Jon is King of Westeros with Dany as his queen, they have a daughter - Lyanna Targaryen. Tyrion, Missandei, Davos, etc. are all advisors. 

Dragons are back again as Jon's dragon Ygritte and Dany's dragon Drogon become mates and have more eggs. 

Bran's corpse is taken to beyond the wall and he is made the new Night's King and the cycle begins again 

#game of thrones #game of thrones season 8 plot leak #what I wish would happen #fix fic #adaptation #speculation #a song of ice and fire

[paulsrace]

A Bloomin’ Garden

Some time about a year an half ago, I felt the Lord leading me to learn about gardening. Up till that point, my only effort and experience was a shrivelled up cactus in my bedroom some 17 years ago. 

A year and a half ago, I was enjoying newly wedded-ness and living in an apartment building located in the ghetto area. I had the luxury of time and a lot of quiet. I was in a great place to reflect, reconnect, and get in that place of learning again with the Lord. But try as I might, I couldn’t understand what I was reading online. I saw gardening and plant life as a whole different system of thought that I simply could not wrap my brain around. Seasons and cycles frustrated me because I didn’t know how I would manage the multiple things in a garden. When we moved onto our own property a few months later, soils and zones and light revealed that our modestly sized yard was as complex as constellation. 

As a result, I preferred to ignore the whole thing for the larger portion of time. And for the smaller portion of time, sit frustrated and cross-eyed through all these information. 

Meanwhile, God still seemed to be presenting the idea of gardening as something I would like. EQ, Lord?

Slow-forward to a couple of months ago, understanding and learning suddenly became easy, and I AM enjoying this gardening thing! It all got absolutely logical for me. The things I read are finding their place in the giant jigsaw puzzle that is forming in my mind, whereas back then, gardening information was like a bunch of random, pointless, post-it notes that had lost its tackiness. I am learning about my yard and understanding it independently of the inter-webs. I am even understanding the purpose of weeds!

“I see you, my little plant things! You are a miracle!”

And now - literally now - I just problem-solved the death of my cactus from years ago. My little spiky friend had been sitting in the shadow with not even indirect light to pretend-warm its green skin! I now understand the detriment it had been in, and how oblivious I was! Closure! 

This all made me wonder why God told me about gardening back then instead of now. It seems obvious that what He told me then, was for this season. And why this season? I don’t know. But I did suffer feeling disobedient and doubtful. And striving at all just took the mojo out of it.

But here is another thing that seemed to have bloomed effortlessly. I’m going back to work. Yes, in the field that had left me traumatised and angry. And yes, we had spent money on license and registration things so that I can go back into the mental health field of counselling and therapy here in California. 

Close to 3 years ago, I had quit my job in Massachusetts to get married and move away to the west. I was grateful for all that timing (another crazy story to tell) because I didn’t know how much longer I would have lasted in that job. It was constantly crisis-mode / high intensity with a mother load of unhelpfulness from superiors and systemic issues. I was angry that I was made as helpless as my young clients, and almost hysterical when the deep emotions finally broke through. I decided then that I would retire to the west and into being someone’s wife. I would withdraw from my graduate education and the world of mental health, and cling to the robes of Jesus for a different spirit-filled career path. Or else work as a barista because I would much rather learn about coffee.

For financial practicality, I had to get back into work. And I reluctantly knew that it was foolish not to take advantage of the pay grade my education offers. And in a swift move of great favor (another great story to tell), I found myself jumping back, necessarily, into academics in order to qualify for California’s requirements. It has been just over six months since I embarked on it, and I have just recently completed it. 

During this time of academic studying, I had been constantly resentful of the money we were leaking out from our meagre savings, and the effort I was putting in to something I had said I didn’t want any more to do with. I realised that my resentment had to do with my confidence being interrogated by a sense of incompetence. Not unreasonable since I was rendered useless countless times by multiple factors in that previous job. I was also constantly battling sadness at the way pathologies were so thoroughly expounded upon in the academic literature that I felt the identities of God’s children being violated. And since my mind had trouble understanding what I was learning without giving over to its systems, so I was constantly going under.

Yet inexplicably a few months ago, memories of my old job started to surface. Positive, encouraging, successful memories. Little breakthroughs that went a long way for the young ones and their parents who desperately needed it. Unexpected laughter broke in difficult situations. Hopeful smiles revealing hearts that were surfacing, even for a brief moment. Furrowed brows of worry easing in pleasant surprise. A complete turnaround in symptoms and functioning.... God is being good to me - He was encouraging me for this new season. The memories in earlier times were usually terrorising and pain-filled. But now, God is re-framing my memory and experience of my work. 

Suddenly, I am rearing to go. I recognise that I lacked experience and skills still. But suddenly, I know that I am as good as the next person to go on this journey. And as if this monumental change of attitude wasn’t good enough, He endorses my heart’s desire to do something unique in this field, again through wickedly good timing:

The day after I complete my deficient courses, I met with someone whom I had conversed with only once over a year ago. She had asked me about what I did and showed genuine interest in it. I made no pitch as to what I eventually hoped to do with it, nor mentioned my disdain for the mental health system then. When we spoke recently, she clearly understood the value of what I was trained for, and spoke the words that had been in my heart to do. She had no clue how stellar her timing was! While I’m just now in the beginning stages of finally getting to flesh out this little passion of mine, I feel the wind of permission through my fingers, freedom in my lungs, because my heart’s desire was being known and taken care of by the One Who knows and knew all my details. 

I’ve had many personal stories of God’s timing like this, so I’m a firm believer. But I don’t want to turn this into theology, mainly because this is more about God being His own Person. He is paying attention, and He moves the pieces for us. He does these in such GOOD TIMING that I feel I have no more intelligence on how things should go by now. I want to always be able to surrender into this joyful mystery, especially when things get difficult. Now, all I can understand enough to articulate, is it’s time when it is time. And when it’s time, the length of thread weaving through my life becomes apparent. He remembers such details of our lives, and He is constantly acting on it on our behalf whilst we sometimes get absolutely lost in disappointment and frustration. My work was in holding back and away from acting out of fear and lack, being still and calm, and only doing as much as He has put in front of us to do. And also especially to not ever think I am clever enough for myself! I’ve found that the waiting is the invitation to partake, and also the place for a relationship of trust. The waiting is where we can see God without the evidence, and never feel guilty for not doing something about everything. 

[marvelfanlife]

Before the BAU

I had an idea the other day and I thought it would make a good CM x reader fic  where a case that the reader worked on comes back to haunt her. also this will be set in the future probably 3 years after season 12 but Reid is not in jail. Also there will be some references from pervious seasons that I'll use and also there is one that isn't to obvious so if you do find then let me know as it will be mentioned later on if I make this a multi-fic.  

It may or may not be a multi fic but if you guys do want it to be a multi fic then don't hesitate to message me! So I hope you enjoy it and requests are open so go send me your requests if you have any!

Tags: @hanny-bananny​

“DANIEL KNIGHT, FBI! PUT THE GUN DOWN AND LET HIM GO!“ Emily shouted as she, Rossi, Reid and Tara aimed the their guns at Daniel.  

“NO! YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND! HE’S A TRAITOR! HE BETRAYED HIS COUNTRY! HE DESERVES TO DIE, JUST LIKE ALLL THOSE OTHER TRAITORS!” Daniel shouted as kept hold of the traumatised hostage.

Just then Y/N came in unarmed and just in her bulletproof vest with her arms up in the air“Daniel, I'm Agent Y/N Y/L/N of the FBI’s State Department and I need you to calm down for me okay?” Y/N said as she signalled to the others to holster guns, whilst Daniel pointed the gun at her

“HOW AM I MEANT TO TRUST YOU? YOUR JUST ANOTHER AGENT WHO DOESN’T DO THEIR JOBS CORRECTLY!” he shouted still holding the grip of the man he held hostage and edging his gun closer to his head and the trigger.

“Y/L/N!” Emily said trying to convince to stop whatever she was doing.

“Look I know what happened that day and it wasn't your fault, how were you supposed to know what would happen? If I was in that situation I would've done the same thing as you, anyone would” she explained still keeping her calm tone whilst speaking.

“SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! HE’S A TRAITOR CAN’T YOU SEE THAT?!” he shouted whilst hitting his head with his hand angrily.

“Yes I can and I know that he’s a traitor but traitors they don't deserve to die, they derserve to be put into prison for what they did, if you kill him, how is that justice?! how is that justice for this country, the victims families, you?! if you kill him, he wins you don't, this is what he wants you to kill him so he won’t have to live for he what he’s done but he will if you put the gun down I'll make sure he’s arrested and goes to a secure prison facility, so please out the gun down!” Y/N pleaded as she looked into the unsubs eyes hoping he would make the right choice

“I’ll put the gun down if you arrest him in front me.” Daniel said, his tone calmer and more anxious then before as he pushed the hostage away from him to the agents, who were still standing there.

“Okay that's fine, we’ll do that... guys one of you arrest the hostage.” Y/N said looking at the group of agents.

“Y/N are you sure?” Tara asked slowly starting to understand of what her plan was.

“Yes I’m sure please arrest him and take him away.” Y/N demanded as Tara nodded and her and Reid went up to the hostage and cuffed him as they walked out as the hostage cried out asking what was going on.

“See look he’s gone, he’s been arrested just liked I promised now please put the gun down just liked you promised okay?” Y/N said trying to convince the unsub to surrender.

“He will pay for his crimes!” Daniel pleaded hoping the agent in front of him wasn't lying.

“Yes he will pay for what he has done, I promise you he will and I'll make that he does.” Y/N said hoping the ex-solider would listen to her.

He slowly out the gun down and raised his arms in the air after listening to what she told him and looked at her and saw the trust in her eyes.

Y/N walked up to him and put his arms behind his back and cuffed him. “I’m doing this for your safety, okay? Y/N explained to him as he nodded agreeing with what she was doing.

“Daniel Knight I'm arresting for the murder of Kathy Hale, Luke Warrington, Charlotte Bradstone and Kai Smith, you have the right to remain silent, whatever you do say can or will be used as evidence in the court of law, you have a right to an attorney, one will be appointed to you if you cannot afford one. Do you understand your rights?” Y/N explained walking him out of the building and heading towards one of the police cars.

“Yes I understand my rights” he said as he was put into the car by one of the officers.

Y/N walked over to Tara who was about uncuff Daniel's hostage before Y/N stopped her.

“Tara wait don't do anything yet.” Y/N said as she went up to him to explain to him what was going on.

“Clyde Pullman your under arrest for sending top secret intel to the enemy, you have the right to remain silent, whatever you do say can or will be used as evidence in the court of law, you have a right to an attorney, one will be appointed to you if you cannot afford one. Do you understand your rights?” Y/N said whilst looking at him with her deadly stare as Tara kept a grip of him from do anything to the agent that was in front of him.

 “Yes” he growled after a long pause realising that the man who was holding him hostage was right, as he was led a way by two other FBI agents to the SUV

Luckily the case was local one so the team were able to drive back to Quantico and not worry about having to fly back home if a case wasn't a local one. The team walked through the BAU doors walking to their desks and offices and discussing what they'll be doing over the weekend.

“So Y/N how did you know about what Pullman did?” JJ asked as she leaned on her desk waiting while Tara, Rossi, Reid, Luke and Garcia who had just joined them huddled around JJ’ s desk

“Well I realised once your unsub use to work in the military, I immediately knew that there was connection between the victims and his line of work, I contacted the state department to know what tours and assignments Daniel has been on and there was one where intel was leaked to the enemy and it cost many soldiers their lives, Daniel thought it was all his fault as he was the one who organised the assignment and probably still does even though he knew what happened, and a mole was suspected to be working within them.”  Y/N explained whilst everyone was shocked at what she was saying.

“wait so how did Daniel know who was the mole?” Luke asked still confused and shocked of the reveal.

“Daniel knew it couldn't be someone who was in the field but instead someone in the US who was helping them out, because communication out in the field is difficult and it would be hard to contact the enemy form their let alone the risk of being caught so he knew it was one of the victims as they were helping military out whilst still in the US but were working for the state department.” Y/N said hoping that they getting at what she was explaining to them.

“So Pullman and the rest of the victims were agents?” Reid asked hoping there wasn't a mole within the FBI.

“No they weren't agents they were sergeants who were assisting the state  department and Daniel had contact with them, and once the state department explained everything to me which took a while I got Garcia to go into everything about the victims and Pullman and where they’ve been who they contacted, what they bought and Garcia discovered Pullman made a couple of flights to Pakistan where they were working but he never visited the base.” Y/N said looking towards Garcia with a proud smile at what she discovered.

“Well if wasn't for initiative I'm pretty sure that Pullman would still be roaming the street.” Garcia said pointing at Y/N.

“When did this assignment happen?” Tara asked glad that they now know the full story.

“ugh, it happened from 2011 to late 2017 Daniel took over someone who left the assignment in 2011 as they wanted to go back to the US, I’m guessing they had to go on another assignment for the state department....and any ways I have a pile of files that have been left on my desk for the past three weeks waiting for them to be completed and I rather have the weekend off then having to spend my time completing them.” Y/N explained as she waved goodbye to the team and walked up to her office.

It was two hours later when Y/N got a text message from her phone and unlocked it to see what the message was.

‘Meet me outside the diner where we used to go before work now! Its Urgent!’

A face of worry appeared on Y/N face as she looked through the windows of her office to see only a few members of the team left working away in the bullpen. Y/N packed up her stuff and walked out of her office and into the bullpen but Luke stopped her from getting out of the building.

“Where are you going I thought you wanted to finish all of your files and paper work?” Luke asked worried about his friends quick leave out of the building.

“I'm meeting an old friend of mine and I can come in tomorrow a bit early to get the work done.” Y/N explained hoping Luke would believe her.

“Okay just don't stay too long at work tomorrow, paperwork can wait till Monday, okay Y/N? Luke said still worried about his friend.

“Okay I will, now please will you please let me pass?” Y/N asked nicely with a convincing smile on her face. Luke let her pass and he witnessed her walk out of the BAU doors. Y/N messaged the number letting them know that she was on her way as she headed towards the elevator.

‘I’ll be there in 10 minutes’

Y/N sat in her car looking for the person who messaged her and saw the front lights turn on and got out of the car and crossed the street and entered the car.

“What the hell is going on, for you to message me when I was so close to finishing my paperwork, you should know about that as you've experienced it before as well?!” Y/N said cried out annoyed at her old friend.

“I messaged you because something happened, you know that assignment you worked on that happened a year ago?” the man in the dark suit said trying to explain to her what was going on.

“Yeah I remember that case and I thought we agreed that we would never talk about this.” Y/N said knowing what he was about to say to her.

“Well at 7:09 this morning at Port Everglades, Florida boxes of sodium cyanide and ammonium nitrate were found.” the man explained to her as she looked at him with shock in her eyes.

“WHAT! Are you sure? those were the same ones used by the Bomber in the Tianjin explosion in 2015 who assisted  Cat Adams in that restaurant that nearly killed some of the member's of the BAU and innocent civilians as well as LEOs and SWAT and after that we made sure to search ports to make sure something like this doesn't happen and these chemicals were involved in that case.” Y/N said trying to remember and collect herself of what was being told to her.

“Well we know that agents go to the ports to check the shipping's but we also know that there was a mole, so there’ s a possible chance that these chemicals are already in the US as they could've contacted anyone on the ship to not head to one of the ports that agents were searching and change direction and head to other ports around country.” the man explained to a distressed Y/N.

“But how?! We know that the mole was killed we profiled them and we got it wrong, he was killed in that explosion!” Y/N shouted hitting her hands on the dashboard in anger.

“Y/L/N you may believe that we got the profile wrong just like everyone else does, but you and I both know that the mole is still out there and used the man that was killed in the explosion to make us believe that we got it wrong and remember that explosion wasn't your fault.” the agent explained looking at Y/N with sympathy.

“Have any threats been made as that's what happened the last time and why the state department took the case in the first place and its in their M.O.” Y/N asked hoping that the unsub hadn't made a head start.

“So far no threats has been made but Police Departments and FBI offices around the country are keeping an eye out.” the agents explained to Y/N trying to calm her down.

“How about I take you over there and you can see what’s going on for yourself rather than me explaining it to you.” He asked Y/N but a smile popped up on her face as she realised what she said to Luke earlier.

“Actually I told the team that I was visiting an old friend and since your an old friend why don't we go into the diner like we used to do before I left?” Y/N suggested with a cheeky grin left on her face.

“Well then I guess we should after all we are near it.” He said agreeing with Y/N as he took of his seatbelt, ready to get out of the car.

“And your paying Hotch, I paid the last time and you owe for distracting me from my paperwork.” Y/N said as they both got out of the car and headed towards the Diner.

“Fine I guess I do owe you” Hotch chuckled as he and Y/N walked into the Diner.

Unknown to the two the them, from down the street someone with a camera was taking photos of the two of them and  put away the camera and pulled the window back up and drove away past the Diner where Y/N and Hotch at near the window, like they use to do.

#criminal minds imagine #criminal minds x reader #criminal minds fanfiction #bau x reader #before the bau

[not-poignant]

This may sound a bit strange, but what exactly are the creches? Because I originally thought of them as houses for orphans, but then you said in one post that they took the (overland) children away from the farms. Which made me think that all children grow up there, which also doesn't work because of Seraphina/Pitch? Thank you, and I hope everything turns out alright for you.

The creches are training centres / childhood centres for all children of the middle to lower classes. Children are raised to believe that the people at the centres are their ’family’ (though close bonding is discouraged) and that the Tsar is like a distant, benevolent father, making sure they’re fed and clothed. Adults who have children are raised to think that their work in service of Lune is more important than child-rearing, and while giving birth is fundamentally important, and raising an infant until weaning - hanging onto the child is a grave, indulgent sin.

Most kids are told - when they’re old enough - that their parents surrendered them voluntarily because they knew they’d get the best possible upbringing (which after many hundreds of years, many parents do surrender their children voluntarily, because they know what happens to the parents who don’t. Hint: Asylums).

But the situation is class-based, the same doesn’t happen to the children of Warriors, the highest nobles (or ‘the noblesse’) and obviously the Tsar’s child. The children of Warriors don’t go to creches, and instead are raised on a network of private tutors and the odd group class on something within the Palace of the City of Lune. Some Warriors actually surrender their children to one of the nicer creches (particularly a military-centric creche, since you have more choice once you actually live within the City of Lune and there’s more than one ‘type’ of creche - but surrendering means you don’t get to see your child again until they come of age, and that’s a privilege that only City of Lune children to get to experience.)

Basically just because it happens for all children of the middle/lower classes, doesn’t mean it happens for all children of all classes. There are hugely different standards for Warriors/the noblesse (and Warriors are included in the highest of classes, which is why they were there at the after-party), and everyone else, basically.

It’s also why ‘family’ as a concept is something Jack has to learn from scratch, and something Pitch, Eva, Seraphina and Anton have had to cultivate. Not only that, but their family is by default ‘unconventional’ (though not to them), because the idea of the human ‘nuclear family’ doesn’t exist in Lune. It’s also why Jack gets preoccupied with things like - once he’s separated from the other trainees after he finishes up in the mountain, he thinks about it all the time. He thinks about being separated from them, he misses bonding with them, he constantly thinks things like ‘right now I should be with them and instead I’m alone.’ It’s because he’s essentially been raised to view military groups and institutions of Lune as family or as providing family. Being removed to the Palace was one of the most traumatic things for Jack’s view of bonding with others - I mean, he returned to the Barracks when he was traumatised at the Palace, because it was home.

Questions like this are really helpful, tbh, because Jack and everyone in Lune takes this knowledge for granted, and I’m sometimes not sure what I should be sharing / shouldn’t be sharing in the story. I don’t want to give a complete picture from the outset, or at all, because part of the fun of reading a long story is filling in the gaps and the guesswork. But I think later on Seraphina might ask Jack about his parents, because she doesn’t really know a great deal about the creche system (tbh, I think she thinks it’s just an exciting summer camp but for a few years).

Incidentally, re: Toothiana and being eidetic - she’s the only one who remembers Jack’s parents, their names, and details about them. So essentially, she’s the keeper of memories that he’s lost. Since I wanted that parallel to the film, lol.

#asks and answers #TGATNW #The Golden Age that Never Was #worldbuilding and stuff #worldbuilding #i mean there were parents that fought back in the beginning #the current creche system has been baptised in the blood #of people who fought back #i'm sure Flitmouse could talk about it #if he hadn't also been taken to an Asylum #you don't need to be a criminal in the conventional sense to go there #you just have to resist the system #fuck autocracies #administrator Gwyn wants this in the queue #Anonymous