loveandra0314-blog
Love, Andra
18, college student, Massachusetts, I started a blog for the hell of it!
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Night Changes
Currently crying to this One Direction classic, not even sad, just emotional I guess.
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Eating healthy and going to the gym is both easier and harder than I thought.
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My depression
Trigger warning. In middle school, I stayed in my room a lot. I had good friends, but I never let anyone get to know the real me, I still don't. When I moved onto high school, I also moved to a different state, a different town and to different people. I completely lost touch with my middle school friends. High school wasn't much better. I took everything personally, which in turn made me feel sadder. I blame myself a lot for this, because I overthink everything. This is when I should say this story doesn't really have a happy ending. But this story also doesn't have an ending. I hope one day to be an optimist and to be truly happy. I got medicated in sophomore year of high school. I am currently on three medications. One is for my anxiety, one for depression and the other is a mood stabilizer. These made me feel a little better. I made some bad friends junior year. They were negative and often times mean and critical. I also grew apart from a great friend that year. But I also started dating my current boyfriend. He makes me happy, and he tries his best to understand my mental things. But it's hard for him, as it's hard for anyone to understand another's depression. I would have, and I still have, days of extreme sadness. I get happy, but on the inside I'm not a happy person. I am a realist and a pessimist. I would be lying if I said I'm actively trying to change these things about me. I love myself...most of the time. The reason I'm typing this all out is because I am having a bad night. My friends are hanging out without me. This is hard for anyone, but one of them is my roommate, who told me these plans and didn't invite me. Nor did I feel it appropriate to invite myself. It's very complicated. The same sort of thing happened a lot to me in high school. I still feel left out when my close cousin and my friend (who are dating) hang out in a group without me. I honestly don't get too upset because I'm not that close with all of them, but at the beginning of their relationship, it hurt a lot. I feel like I'm the friend everyone either doesn't want to hang out with, or the one that gets forgotten. I'm not especially outgoing all the time, I'm certainly not the life of the party, in fact I notice I'm sort of the Debbie-Downer of friend groups. The one who calls it a night "too early", the one who's in a committed relationship, the one who doesn't drink as much, one the "mom", if you will. I would rather have a movie night with pjs and popcorn than get wasted at some strangers house and stay out until 4 in the morning. I am no party animal. In fact, I only started drinking in college. Which isn't helping because alcohol is a depressant. I feel like an idiot sometimes, especially if I'm at the end of a not-so-sarcastic remark. I put on a really icy and confident front, in some ways it really is me, but it's also not. I love being nice to people, it makes me feel like I'm doing something that matters. I have recently found God as well. Well...kind of. I always knew of God's existence, not gonna lie, I didn't understand it for a while, and then I realized you're not meant to understand it, you're meant to just have faith. This is/was something I struggle(d) with. I find comfort in God's love for me. I encourage you to find faith, it doesn't have to be in a god, you can just have faith in the rising sun. It will get better, and i will not feel this forever. These feelings are temporary and soon I will be fully happy.
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This is why
Today is Friday. I am sitting alone in my triple dorm room, watching my favorite show. Normally, this is the ideal home situation. But one of my roommates was becoming a really close friend. But this semester she's been spending a lot of time with another friend of ours, who she already knew from a sports league. I really like them both and we party together, but my roommate always goes down to our other friends room. She doesn't invite me nor do I think I am welcome to invite myself. This is okay, it makes me feel a little excluded but I get it. We went out last night and we all made plans to go to this massage thing the school was holding, we said we would text each other and that my roommate and I would meet in our room. I knew my roommate had a class at 12, right after mine at 11. So I went and got something to eat. I brought it back and then I texted both of them. My roommate texted me back saying that our friend broke her phone. She also said that she was already across campus where the massages were taking place. So that hurt. But tonight I'm sitting here, no texts or anything. But on the bright side I can get drunk tomorrow night with my number one friend who's visiting. This is why I don't have girl friends. I won't tag anything at the bottom because this one is kind of just for me. Also, if you did read this, thank you! And if you possibly have some advise for how I can ask my roommate if she doesn't want to hang out anymore or something. I honestly don't really know what to do or if should even do anything. I'm just tired of having friends who don't want to hang out with me, it happened in high school, it's happening now...am I being dramatic? Is this even anything? I'm just tired of being alone all the time at college! I'm making other friends, but it's going slow. Love, Andra
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It's not about how hard you can hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward.
Rocky Balboa
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I'm back at school! I can't tell if I'm excited or nervous! But why would I be nervous?? My roommate and I are going to watch the bachelor tonight, but can I just say- I hate Nick!! I think he's only here to get with women! He's just not genuine to me... he reminds me of my ex a little. But my ex is not nearly as desperate.
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Back to school
I'm going back to school today... I'm not all that excited, but I'll be happy to be on a regular schedule again. Anyway, one of my roomies is bringing alcohol from home and she doesn't plan on sharing... I'm not going to drink that much, but it's the thought that counts, right?? Also, our mutual friend hasn't talked to me in forever (she's more my roommate's friend), like before break... maybe she doesn't want to hang out with me anymore? Am I over thinking this? Anyway, I have some cool classes this semester. The text books are very expensive, but I'm very lucky that my dad has agreed to buy them. Also I feel dirty for some reason, I'll probably shower later, right before I leave. Love Andra
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I ate meat today...
I feel very bad today. Probably because my sleep schedule is shit. I went to bed at 2am yesterday and woke up at 5pm, then I fell asleep at like 8pm and woke up at 4:30am. I sort of just want to sleep from 10 - 8 on weekends and stuff. But I know that's kind of unrealistic. I did go skiing to day with my dad and my boyfriend. My boyfriend had never gone before, so I spent time on greens (easiest level) mostly and then blue (intermediate) twice. I think he had fun, but he fell a few times and got really frustrated. I hate seeing him like that, he gets really mad at himself. Anyway, I ate a burger and now I'm sad about it. I'll drink some water, eat some veggies...maybe go on the treadmill. I probably won't go on the treadmill. I do feel like shit though. I don't know if it's sad or sick or both. Maybe I'm just tired. I watched some YouTube videos, and now I'm watching Criminal Minds again, which honestly isn't the most calming thing in the world. I just want to wash my face! I might post again today. Love, Andra
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I slept until 5:00 pm today
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Boston, MA 🦆
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My Favorite Names
I'm love lists, I have an alphabetical list of all the names that I even remotely like. Blue are possible girls names, gold are possible boys names. A lot of them are unisex. 🔹Amy 🔹Anastasia 🔹Aowyn 🔹April 🔹Ariel 🔹Arwyn 🔹Atalanta 🔹Audrey 🔹Aurora 🔹Belle 🔹Daisy 🔹Dahlia 🔹Diana 🔹Elsie 🔹Evie 🔹Gwen 🔹Jacqueline (Jackie) 🔹Jade 🔹Jane 🔹Jody 🔹Josie (Jo) 🔹June 🔹Kennedy 🔹Lina 🔹Lola 🔹Maria 🔹Marian 🔹Mary-Jane 🔹Mickey 🔹Olive 🔹Paisley 🔹Palmer 🔹Piper 🔹Robin 🔹Rome 🔹Rosalie 🔹Stacy 🔹Virginia (Ginny) 🔹Veronica (Roni) 🔹Wren 🔸Adam 🔸Anikan 🔸Blaine 🔸Carson 🔸Colby 🔸Dallas 🔸Devon 🔸Elton 🔸Eric 🔸Harry 🔸Ian 🔸Indiana 🔸Indigo 🔸Jackson (Jackie) 🔸Jonah 🔸Lyle 🔸Lionel 🔸Martin 🔸Montgomery (Monty) 🔸Oliver 🔸Parker 🔸Peter 🔸Rocky 🔸Samson 🔸Seth 🔸Spencer 🔸Troy 🔸Vincent Let me know if your name is one of these!
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My 2015 trip to the U.S. Virgin Islands. This is one of the many pictures that my mom took of me and my brothers. As you can see, I wasn't so much into swimming in the ocean, I like to wade because, you know, sharks and stuff.
#vacation#holiday#Virgin Islands#beach#beachlife#swimming#ocean#blue water#brothers#family#wade#sharks#2015
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We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.
Joseph Campbell
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