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glassartpeasants · 3 months

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Run Rabbit Run .07

Yandere!Eustass Kid x F!Reader

Warnings: Angst, mentions of death, reader having vivid nightmares, reader having a crisis, Kid being the insane fuck he is, Tashigi and G-5 being real ones, little happy moments???

A/N: I will defend all of G-5 will my DYING breath. Only Marines that I don't hate

tags: @rebeccawinters @iggy5055 @dairygrrl @childconnoisseur @menifire1092 @tremendoushorsepatrolgoth @nerdgeekandeverysweet-blog @sydneyyyya

pt.1 pt.2 pt.3 pt.4 pt.5 pt.6 pt.7 pt.8 pt.9 pt.10

~~~

You pace back and forth in the infirmary. The sound of your shoes hitting the floor was nothing compared to your speeding heartbeat. Nothing like this happened at all when you were with Kid. So why now that you’ve escaped, has it shown up? Why did this have to happen?

Biting your knuckles, you try to ignore the agonizing feeling in your gut. The universe obviously wasn’t done screwing with you if what you feared was true. Not to mention how it’d affect everything good going on in your life.

“Take a deep breath and sit down, okay? Stressing isn’t gonna help.”

“How can I not stress?! What if it’s exactly what we think it is? What if I really am…”

“Pregnant?” Tashigi’s voice cuts into your skin as soon as the word leaves her throat. It felt like a fresh stab to your heart. Hearing the word out loud only made the fear all the more real and strong.

“I can’t even hear the word without being nauseous.” Taking a seat next to Tashigi on the infirmary bed, you put your head in your hands.

“What am I supposed to do? I still have four months to get to Sabaody. Not to mention, I wouldn’t be able to fulfill my promise to you and Vice Admiral Smoker! A pirate on a Marine ship was pushing it, but a pregnant pirate on a Marine ship? He’ll probably dump me somewhere since I won’t be able to fight alongside you guys like I promised…” Tears start threatening to spill from your eyes as all the worst-case scenarios start playing through your head.

“Vice Admiral Smoker would never! Sure, he’s a little rough around the edge, but he’d never kick you off for something that you can’t control.” Soft tears slip from your cheeks as you listen to her words.

“Do you think the Straw Hats will take me back? I know you're a Marine, so your answer might be biased, but…”

“If they don’t, you can come back to G-5 and join the Marines!” You giggle slightly.

“If push comes to shove and they don’t take me back, you're gonna be stuck with me.” Tashigi smiles at you brightly, which makes you smile in return.

Yet there was still one cripiling fear that resurfaced and continues to resurface no matter how hard you try to forget it.

You remembered what Kid said when you told him that the Straw Hats would save you. The rage in his eyes, when those words slipped from your lips, made you fear for any future you might have that didn’t involve Kid. If he made a statement about the Straw Hats without a second thought, would he do the same to G-5? He’s violent in general, but you can’t imagine how violent everything would get if he got his hands on the people who helped you hide from him.

“What should I do though? What if I really am pregnant?” Tashigi was quiet as she thought about how to answer.

“Would it look like him? Have his facial features or hair? Could it look like me?”

“I don’t know. Only time will tell if or when the baby arrives.” You lay your head on her shoulder as you let out a breath you didn’t know you were holding.

“We’re stopping at an island tomorrow to gather supplies. We could go to the hospital there to see what the fully certified doctors have to say.”

“What about the bounty on me from Kid?”

“We can disguise you? I’m sure we can try to hide as many identifiers as possible.”

“I guess. Let’s hope that it works.”

~~~

Sitting still, you let Tashigi mess with your appearance. The two of you have been in her cabin for what felt like forever just to disguise you. She had you put on one of her long-sleeved shirts under your Marine uniform to hide the scars along your arms.

“What if we put a small part of your hair in front of your eye/scar to hide it? It’ll look a little weird, but it’d be less eye-catching than a bandage.”

“Alright, sounds good.” The two of you stand up and begin to make your way to the ship’s deck.

It was a beautiful day outside when you left her cabin. The sun shined down and watched you walk beside Tashigi as you passed the rest of G-5, who were getting ready to grab supplies. Your legs feel weak as you struggle to walk down the ramp. The sound of bustling passerby’s and the talking of the crew from behind you only makes your nervousness worse. The overwhelming feeling of anxiety swallowed you whole as you finally stepped foot off the dock and onto the green grass. Hearing your shoes glide against the grass for the first time since Sabaody made a small upturn of your lip. A tiny ray of happiness in the dark of your anxiety and fear.

“Look mom! It’s the Marines!” Looking to your right, you see a small boy and his mother. He tugged on his mom's arm to try and bring her closer to you and Tashigi. The boy held such a cute smile as he ran up to you.

“I wanna become a Marine! I can fight and kick pirate's butt!” His eyes held such a bright light that it was impossible not to be as smiley as him. Crouching down slightly, you watch as the little boy rolls on his heels.

“Is that so? Are you sure you got what it takes, little man? Are you brave enough to also fight the weather?”

“I’m brave! I’m not afraid of anything! The weather is nothing!” The little boy’s excitement made your heart skip a few beats. For a living being so small, he has so much happiness and life inside him.

“Tell ya what, come back in a few years, and we’ll be happy to have you join.”

“Why not now?” A cute pout played against the boy's face.

“To get stronger, of course! Plus, wouldn’t you miss your mommy if we let you come with us?” the boy turns around to see his mom smiling at him. He ran to her and wrapped himself around her. He said something, but it was muffled by his mother's clothes.

“Thank you for giving him a second of your time. I bet you guys are busy, so we should be off. Do you wanna say goodbye to the Marines, baby?” Lifting his face from his mother's clothes, he waves to you and Tashigi with the cutest smile.

“Byyee...” You both walk in different directions after waving back, the sound of the giddy child ringing in your ears.

“Said like a true Marine.”

“Best pirate Marine the world has ever seen.” You whisper rhyme, and it only makes Tashigi laugh.

“I think you’ll be okay (Y/N).” She whispered back, making you turn to look at her.

“Huh?”

“I think you’ll be okay. You seem good with children. Your caring personality really shows.”

“OH! Well, that's only one child! Plus, I might not actually be pregnant! The universe might have just wanted to scare me…” Laughing awkwardly, you think about what the doctor and their tests would say.

While making your way to the hospital, it seemed like you passed by every child on the island. Kids from 13 all the way to infants. All of them with happy parents giving them the love they deserve. The joyful giggles made a small smile crack along your lips.

Yet, it soon disappeared as you unconsciously put your hand to your stomach. All those children with happy lives with healthy caring parents. If you really were pregnant, the child’s life would be nothing like the ones living on this island. It’d be constantly on the run along side you. That can’t be healthy for a baby right?

“Looks like we’re here.” The big sign saying ‘HOSPITAL’ made you swallow the lump in your throat as you walked through the front doors right beside Tashigi.

It seemed like everyone and their grandma was here today. Almost the entire waiting room was full. You get in line behind a man and wait for your turn as Tashigi goes and sits down. Once it got to your turn though, you feel your hands start to sweat.

“Hi, welcome to Halyard Island Hospital. What can I do for you today, Marine?”

“Oh, um, think I might be pregnant, but I want a doctor to check it out before I jump to any conclusions.” The receptionist started typing before she asked for your birthday and name. You start to internally freak out before remembering that you don’t have any records on yourself. Why not just give her a fake name and date of birth?

“(....) (......) is my name and my birth date is (.........).”

“Alright, you're good to go. Have a seat, and the doctor will be with you as soon as possible.” Giving a small nod, you go sit next to Tashigi, who has started to read a magazine.

“What are you reading?”

“Judging the ugly fashion choices.” You let out a snort, hearing her words.

“Didn’t know I was in the presence of a fashion designer. Mind if I judge with you to learn your skills?”

“I’m feeling generous, so I guess I can take in an apprentice.” The two of you laugh as you look down at the magazine. It was refreshing to have a small burst of silliness instead of fear and panic.

It felt like twenty minutes before your ‘name’ was called. Your heart beats against your ribs as you and Tashigi follow the doctor. The world seemed to spin as you walked along the halls. The familiar nausea you’ve been having coming back.

‘My luck is nonexistent.’ Holding the wall, you try to walk normally. Thankfully, Tashigi notices and helps you walk to the room. Once entering the room, you sit on the paper-covered bed as Tashigi sits on the chair next to it.

“So it says you think you're pregnant but want a doctor to confirm it?”

“Yes.” Sitting down at the computer, the doctor starts to give you a check-up.

“When’s the last time you had intercourse?” You can feel your face burn, and Tashigi lets out a snort.

“Two or three months ago? I believe?”

“Did you have your cycle during that?”

“Mine can be irregular, so I thought nothing of it at first, but it’s been a week since it should have started, and nothing has happened.”

“Okay. Any symptoms? Nausea, fatigue, frequent trips to the bathroom, weird food cravings, body ache, anything like that?” Listing them out, the doctor said them in the most calming way. She’s probably dealt with people like you, coming and going all the time.

“All of the above, except for the food cravings.”

“Yet.”

“Yet.” You snap your head to Tashigi, who’s smiling at you while holding back a giggle as she tries to make you laugh. Even the doctor let out a quiet laugh.

“Well, we have tests that we can use cause while it sounds like you could be pregnant, it’s better to be sure.”

“What kind of tests?”

“Blood and urine. The urine one is usually more correct and takes less time.”

“Alright. That one, then.”

~~~

The doctor had left to bring the sample to the lab, leaving you and Tashigi alone again. You lay against the bed and stare at the ceiling.

“What should I do if it’s positive? The sea is no place for a child to grow. Especially the New World.”

“You have months to think about it if you are. Don’t overwhelm yourself, and think about it all right now.” Tashigi was probably right, but it still scratched away at your mind.

“Do you want to be pregnant?”

“No. If it was another man’s baby, then maybe. But we both know whose child it’d be if I am.” Tashigi stays silent and lets you talk.

“A child deserves a happy home. With loving parents. Not someone like me. I already have so much shit to deal with from what happened, and adding a child to the mix wouldn’t be fair to them. Having a mother who has problems all the way to the ozone layer.” Just as Tashigi goes to speak, a knocking interrupts her.

“The test results came back.” The doctor's voice had you holding your breath as your heart jumped in suspense.

“And?” Sitting on the edge of your seat, you both look at the doctor.

“It’s positive! Congratulations! Your gonna be a mother!” You knew the doctor didn’t know your story, so you're not mad at her happy news delivery. Instead of what felt like a punch to the chest, was an overload of feelings. To many to name, so all you can do is let the tears start pouring harshly.

Your sobs didn’t shock the doctor, so you thought she must have concluded that you were crying tears of joy. Which they definitely weren’t. Each tear felt like battery acid sliding down your skin. This was supposed to be a happy moment. This was supposed to be a moment shared with your fiance. You were supposed to be crying tears of joy next to them, happy that you can finally have a family with the person you love.

But once again, this was just another moment in your life ruined by the man who took everything from you. Even when you were away from him, he always somehow had a way to remind you that you're never free of him. No matter where you go, he’ll always be next to you. In your mind or in person was for the universe to decide. And now, it decided that it wasn’t done with you just yet.

~~~

Walking out of the hospital, you're silent as you walk next to Tashigi. The doctor had given you a bag of things to help you on your ‘journey.’ Little things like booklets on what to expect, recommended medical items safe for mother and child, things to watch out for, and more. Didn’t help she gave you a bag with a pacifier on it.

“You okay? You’ve been quiet since we left.”

“Just wondering what the fuck I’m gonna do. Not to mention when Vice Admiral Smoker finds out-”

“There's no need to worry. Everything will be okay.” Before you can respond, countless footsteps come running toward you. Looking up, you see some of G-5 rushing their way to the both of you. It caused a gust of wind to come rushing through and slightly move the hair covering your facial scar. Leaving it visible to the world.

“Shit.” You quickly try to cover it up and act normal, hoping no one saw you in your split second of weakness.

“Marines! What’s going on?”

“Pirates were seen sailing up to the docks! The others and Vice Admiral Smoker are there as we speak!”

“Alright, let’s go take them down! Contact the others and tell them we’ll be there as fast as we can!”

“Right away-” The Marines stop their words as their eyes train in on the bag in your hand. You can see the gears turning in their heads before it finally clicks. They all gasp and point to the bag like children.

“Stop pointing! We’ll talk about that when we leave the island! Contact Smoker!”

“Uh, right! Yes, Captain!” Everyone, including you, started running towards the docks to back up the Vice Admiral.

~~~

You don’t know how long it’s been since you’ve been staring at yourself in the mirror, but it was enough time for you to grip the edge of the bathroom sink and try to calm your breathing.

It was difficult to look at yourself in the mirror. The person staring back at you wasn’t someone you recognized. The scar that covered your face laughed at you endlessly, as well as the ones on your arm that were currently visible while in your uniform.

You try to imagine yourself before the raid. Before the Straw Hats, before the scars, and before Kid. Would past you even know who you are? Would your fiance still love you if they saw you like this and were still alive? Still love you and all the mental, physical, and emotional damage you’ve received? And even after knowingly carrying another person's child despite it being out of your control?

Would anyone love you?

Who would want a broken doll when they can just buy a new one? Without all the cracks and damage it’s received along its journey? Not to mention, who’d want a doll with an ‘owner’ willing to kill anyone who touches what’s his?

People would be afraid to even get close to you, let alone love you. What sane person would dare love something that could get them killed? Why love something that can’t go one day without crying or trembling when a certain thing is said or done? Why love someone who carries the child of the devil himself?

The sound of tears hitting the sink brought you back to the present. Your breathing was ragged as you tried to calm yourself down so no one would hear your sobs. Biting your lip, you look at your teary face in the mirror. Your hands shake as your knuckles turn white from how hard you were gripping the sink. But even through your blurry vision, your eye caught sight of the bag on the counter that the doctor had given you earlier that day.

“This shouldn’t be how you come into the world. You should be able to grow up carefree with a stable parent. Not me, who can’t even go one night without waking up in a cold sweat from nightmares. A child shouldn’t have to move from place to place just to make sure his crazy father won’t kidnap him and his mom. I’m so sorry that I’m going to be the one you call mother. Please forgive me…” Quiet hiccups and sobs bounce off the walls and can be heard from outside the bathroom door. Even trying your best to be silent, your woeful cries caught the attention of your comrades.

“Man, this is kinda painful to hear. She’s being really hard on herself.”

“Never thought I’d feel bad for a pirate yet here i am.”

“What will those Straw Hats think?” Hushed whispers were exchanged among the Marines before all went silent as soon as a shadow of a man loomed over them.

KNOCK KNOCK

Wiping your tears and shoving down yoru emotions, you grab your bag before opening the door.

“Sorry for being so long I-”

“Is it true, rookie?” Vice Admiral Smoker’s voice made your stomach drop. Did Tashigi tell him? Or at least tried to?

“Vice Admiral Smoker! I didn’t know you’d-”

“Is it true?” You looked up at him, and all you could do was nod as you tried to hold back the rest of the emotions you shoved away moments ago. But it didn’t matter. He could see your trembling lips and glassy eyes.

“So Tashigi was right.”

“I’m so sorry, Vice Admiral! I promise I’ll still do everything you want! Please don’t kick me off the ship! I’ll still fight in battles, anything you want I’ll still do!” Your begging only caused pity to fill Smokers body. Watching you beg for a simply a place of refuge confirmed that you were indeed pregnant. Normally, he’d never let a pregnant woman on his ship. A pregnant pirate nonetheless, but were you even a pirate? That ‘bounty’ ad wasn’t a government issued one, the whole world thinks almost everyone died on your island, including you. They basically have no record of your existence except the ad that Kid had put up for you. And based on what he’s observed, you seemed perfectly contempt when you lived as a civilian before everything went down. You simply feel like you owe your life to the Straw Hats. It’d probably be the same way if it was the Marines that saved you the first time. But they wouldn’t have let you get kidnapped again, but there was nothing that could change the past.

“I’m not gonna kick you off. You're not going out fighting pirates, but everything else will stay the same. Not going easy on you just cause you're pregnant.” He could see the relief fill your eyes at his words.

“Thank you so much! Thank you, thank you!”

“Now quit your crying and go to the dining hall. Foods done.” Sniffling a bit, you smile as you make your way to the dining hall. While it didn’t soothe all your worries, knowing you’d be safe here and Smoker would let you stay helped soothe those knawing thoughts.

~~~

The day was going great so far, no bad weater in sight, clear skies and the breakfast for the day was your favorite! You did have to tell everyone the news about your pregnancy and while it was hard, they all seemed very supportive. No one treated you differently after hearing the news which you greatly appreciated. The last thing you wanted to be reminded of was being pregnant. It’s easier for everyone in the world if it only stayed between you and G-5.

“Uh (Y/N)? Have you seen today's paper?” Another Marine came up to you with the paper in hand.

“No? Is something wrong? Did Kid up the bounty again?”

“Not exactly…” Handing you the paper, you open it with a questioning look. But as soon as your eyes scan the front page, they blow wide open.

“What?!”

~~~~

“Kid! Open the door!” The first mate of the Kid pirates banged on the metal door of his Captain's workshop. When the paper bird had delivered the daily paper, he expected the paper to be as bland as it has been the past few months. Same old, same old. That was until he looked at the front page of the paper. Instead of the bounty ad, there was a picture. A fresh picture of you.

‘Eustass Kid’s Darling, (L/N) (Y/N), Spotted on Halyard Island?’

He didn’t even read the article that accompanied it before making a dash to his friends workshop. This was finally a clue as to where you might be. Finally something to get Kid to shut the fuck up and prevent him from destroying more things in fits of rage.

“Fucking christ Killer! What do you want?!” As soon as the red-headed man opened the door, the newspaper was shoved into his chest.

“Look at the front page.” Scoffing, Kid uncrumples the paper, giving his friend a quick glare. But Killer could see the insane glee in his eyes when he read the front page.

‘The woman the entire New World has been looking for has finally been spotted! She was last seen leaving a hospital on Halyard Island disgused as a Marine! Unknown whether its a real Marine uniform or not. A gust of wind blew her hair away which hid her facial scar, making it visible for the world to see and identify her! Let’s not forget what she seems to have clutched tightly in her hand! Could this mean the cruelest pirate of the worst generation might be a father? Only time can tell.’

“Of course, it’s the fucking Marines who hid her! Always getting in my damn business. Killer! Set course to Halyard Island!”

“Already told Wire on my way here.”

“Good. Board and search any Marine ships we see on the way there. If the Marines are hiding her, then we can’t take chances and let them slip past us.”

“You do know what this means, right?”

“Yeah, I get what’s mine back.” Killer hit the back of Kid’s head.

“Ow! What the fuck?!”

“It means pull your head out of your ass! If it’s true, if (Y/N) is pregnant, that means you're going to be a dad. Any enemies other than the Marines will want to kidnap and hurt (Y/N) and your possible unborn child. We already knew the risks of putting out the ad. It's to let our enemies know that you have a weakness. But now she could be in even more danger when pregnant. We need to get her before she gives birth understand?” Rubbing the back of his head, Kid realized Killer was right. Your safety was in danger even more now that his enemies knew that you might be pregnant. Not to mention, what are the Marines gonna do with you and his child?

The thought of him being a father finally hit him a full force when he invisioned the moment he got his hands on you again. He’d get to see your belly grow with something the both of you created. The child would be the thing that keeps you with him forever.

~~~

“Do these journalists not have any souls?! Who would want to snitch on an escapee?! Truly heartless.” Tashigi rubbed your back as you cried into your hands. How could your luck grow so sour?

“I knew I shouldn’t have taken that dumb bag! Now the whole New World knows about this stupid fucking child!” Tashigi lets out a sigh.

“I’m sorry. It’s no one’s fault this happened except the person who took the picture. Not yours or the unborn baby.” Wrapping your arms around your tummy, you sniffle.

“I’m sorry. I just…This should be an experience I share with someone I love. I should be talking about baby things with joy and eating gross, a combination of random food, not fearing for my and the baby’s safety twenty-four-seven. I should be able to sleep without having nightmares about their father's eyes.” Tashigi stays quiet as she continues to try and soothe your troubled mind.

“What if they look alike? What if the baby’s a spitting image of him?”

“You’ll be able to turn them into something Kid isn’t. Make them kind and loving. Have them be the person Kid can never be. It’ll be like starting a new. They aren’t just Kid’s child. They’ll also be yours.” Rubbing your eyes, you nod in agreement, trying to convince yourself that what she spoke was true.

“You're right. Thank you, Tashigi.”

~~~

Hours later and your still thinkning about Tashigi’s words. How the small thing growing inside you wasn’t just Kid’s, it was yours too. You had the power to make sure that the insanity ends with Kid.

But even with her words, your heart and soul still burned in rage and sadness. Knowing that the child you thought you’d be raising happily with your fiance was in fact the offspring of satan himself. A product of lies and bloodied hands.

An eerie sense of lonliness surrounds you making yoru skin prickle and the tips of your fingers tingling. You run your hands along your upper arms to try and warm yourself, maybe to even stimulate a hug. Just something that could make you feel less alone.

Even though you have the G-5, you still felt like you were fighting alone. Why couldn’t you have just gone home and have your mom and dad still be alive? Waiting for you on the porch, your fiance running out from the house to pick you up and twirl you around. Kissing you repeatedly and crying out how much they loved and missed you.

Yet, even with all the crying, pleading, and denial, you know that you’ll never feel your fiance’s touch again. Never hearing your parents telling you how much they love you. You couldn’t even remember what they looked like or sounded like anymore. Cause all you see and hear is him.

Even in your day dreams he was there. Invading every part of your mind. You could be imaging how you used to dance with your fiance, only for kid to take his place. He’d grab you and hold you close while laughing. Forcing you to dance his macrabe seranade.

You could feel tears slide down your skin as you now realize its no longer your fiance’s touch that your body craves, it’s his. Those times where he’d envelop you in his coat while he held you. Times where his kisses were nothing but burns along your body.

Clenching your fists tight, you feel the feelings you tried so hard to destroy resurface. How can five months of amensia battle against two years of pure hatred? What did Kid magically do that made you fall in love with him? Why was there still that sliver in your heart that made you miss him? After all he’s done to you, why does your body still miss his touch? Why did your heartbeat quicken every time you remember how he gently ran his fingers through your hair when he was drunk and starting to pass out?

Curling up in a fetal position, you just silently cry yourself to sleep as you wished for the positive feelings for Kid would decay and disappear.

A low hum woke you open from your sleep as your eyes flutter open. The blur quickly leaving and you see a familiar room. A smile slips across your lips while you move your hand behind you. The feeling of silky hair touching your fingertips made you sigh as you softly started to run your fingers through it.

You just then notice the arms around you tighten and a kiss being placed on the crook of your neck.

“Morning, baby. Did you sleep well?” Groaning into your skin, you feel his words vibrate against your neck.

“Slept fine.” More kisses were pressed along your skin, which made your cheeks burn up.

“Dream about anything?”

“No.”

“Well, I dreamt about you.” Turning to look over your shoulder, you see amber eyes staring back at you. Red hair slightly brushing against your jaw.

“Better have been good.” You maneuver your body to the point you're facing him. Placing your hands on his face, you chuckle.

“I dreamt about kissing this pretty face of yours.” A red hue covered the man’s cheeks as he looked at you wide-eyed.

“Aw, Eustass ‘Captain’ Kid is blushing! You're so cute when you blush.”

“I’m not cute shut up.”

“No.” You started placing kisses on each freckle that adorned his face. The heat of his cheeks were hitting your lips as he lays there frozen. With each kiss, you couldn’t help but giggle. You wished you were wearing lipstick just so you could see his face covered in pretty (color) lipstick. When you pulled away, almost his entire face was as red as his hair.

“Sappy little shit.” Pushing your face to his chest, Kid lays his own on top of yours. Being surrounded by his presence only, you felt safe in his arms. You can feel him hug you a little tighter.

“I’m not going anywhere. No need to smush me.” Laughing, you kiss his chest, only for Kid’s arms to tighten around you even more. It started to hurt as you couldn’t move. His strong arms pressing harshly against your ribs.

“Um Kid? Your squeezing kinda hard and it hurts. Do you think you can lighten up a bit?” Instead of loosening his grip, Kid only tightens his arms around you more. It felt like a python was constricting you. The pressure felt like it was gonna break your bones.

“Kid! You're really hurting me! Please stop!” Pushing and squirming, you desperately try to escape Kid’s killing grip.

“How dare you think you can fucking leave me? Do you think I won’t follow you! Find you? You can never fucking leave me!” With your heart dropping to your stomach, you try to pinpoint his behavior. What the hell is he talking about?

“What are you talking about?! I’m right here! I haven’t left!” Just then, a SNAP could be heard, and a brutal pain was felt in your chest. He must have broken a rib cause the pain was unbelievable.

“I’ll kill everyone who takes you away from me. Those worthless Straw Hats and those puny G-5 Marines. No one takes what’s fucking mine.” More pressure is applied to your body, and it feels as if more bones are quietly cracking. It was starting to feel like your ribs were stabbing your lungs, making it hard to breathe.

“What are you talking about?! Who are you talking about?!” Fear coursed through your veins as you looked up at Kid. Your eyes widened, seeing the pure madness that swirled inside his eyes. With as much strength as you can, you try to use your devil fruit powers to electrify him just in hopes of getting him off. There was a quiet crackling before a loud ZAP was heard, and you see Kid jump back and fall to the floor off the bed.

Without a seconds waste, you jump out of bed and run out of the bedroom. Yet the second you open and close the door, your blood freezes at the sight your met with. Fire, smoke and black silouttes staring right at you.

“(Y/N)!” You didn’t have time to question. You had to run now. With fear coursing through your veins and electric static slithering along your body, you ran past the silhouettes and into the fire and smoke.

The heat and smoke made it difficult to breathe but the broken rib hurt more yet here you were running as fast as you can. It caught you off guard when you started hearing voices coming from the silouttes. No, not voices, screams. High pitched screams started playing from each direction. Women’s, children’s, and men’s screams were all around you. Not even covering your ears stopped the loud horrific screaming. It sounded like they were in horrific pain and agony. Begging to be free from this etneral hell their suffering.

“Running can only get you so far (Y/N)!” Still covering your ears, you try to zone out his words. The broken rib causes excruciating pain as you run away faster. Who was this man chasing you? Where was your Kid? This couldn’t be him!

A baby crying has you uncovering your ears and your eyes widening. In these flickering flames and deblilitating smoke a baby was crying! You move to the sound of the crying baby, hoping it wasn’t hurt. Running through the flames, you look desperatly, trying to find it before the flames got to it. The flames were already licking at your uncovered skin so you couldn’t imagine what it’s doing to a baby’s sensitive skin.

Finally you see a bassonett right in the middle of a ring of fire. Small hands reaching out trying to grab anything. Running to the bassonett, you bend down and quickly to see the baby in it. But the moment you see the baby’s face, your blood goes cold.

There was no face.

Watching in shock and horror as the baby continued to cry out. It had no mouth how was it crying? Reaching out with a shaky hand you gently touch the baby’s chunky finger. It wrapped it’s little hand around your finger and you could hear it’s cry’s start to stop.

The heavy sound of Kid’s footsteps quickly reminded you of your situation. Without another thought, you grab the bundled up baby and begin to run. The cries soon resumed as you run through the fire and smoke. The screams of the silouttes got louder with every step you took. You tried to cover the baby’s ears to protect it from the screaming.

“It’s okay, it’s okay, no need to cry, little one. We’ll be okay, alright? You’ll be okay.” Five fingers touched your scalp before the burning pain of your hair being pulled surged through your body. You were pulled back before falling on your butt. Opening your eyes, you try to see if the baby is okay, only to see it’s gone. Not in your arms, around you, and now its cries were gone. Like it never existed.

“Caught you, princess. Now let’s go.” Now it was your turn to scream as you tried to untangle his fingers from your hair.

“No! Let me go! Why are you acting like this?!” You feel Kid lift you to your feet, making you look up at him with watery eyes and a trembling bottom lip. He gives you a grin before responding.

“Oh, princess.” Moving his mouth to your ear, he whispers,

“I’ve always been like this.”

Your eyes blow open as you wake up in a cold sweat. Quickly sitting up, you move your head back and forth, preparing to see smoke and flames. Yet, to your delight, you were just met with the rest of the G-5 Marines, sleeping in their bunks peacefully. Placing your hand over your heart, you can feel your heart beat faster than ever.

With shaky breaths, you lay back down and stare at the ceiling. You’ve never had that nightmare before. Could it have to do with that you now know your pregnant you’ll start having more of those kinds of nightmares? Nightmares including a baby? Would the baby even have a face in the next dream? You didn’t know and didn’t want to know.

~~~

“I’ve never felt so much mischief fill my bones than right now.”

“It is pretty cool and funny.”

“Pretty funny and cool? It’s fucking awesome! I’ve got actual finger guns! Except they shoot electric shocks instead of bullets.” While training with Vice Admiral Smoker, you pretended to shoot a Marine who was passing by with your fingers, only for a shot of electricity to actually come shooting out of your fingers.

Smoker, you, and the Marine all stood there for a second to try and comprehend what happened before you started hyping yourself up for finding a new move you have. It has you counting how many moves you had and what names you should call them.

“Okay, so I have a move to cover my entire body with electricity. I’ve been able to make a ball of electricity when I focus hard enough and throw it. I got finger guns…and that’s it.” You thought you had more, but you just proved that you still have lots more to learn about your devil fruit capabilities.

“Try making one of those electricity balls you were talking about.” Smoker's voice breaks through your inner thoughts.

“Of course! I’ve only done it once, so forgive me if it’s bad.” Taking a deep breath, you try to focus all your energy into your hands. If you did it once, you can do it again. Breathing in heavily, you feel the familiar tingling in your fingers.

Sizzling and snapping ring across the deck as you watch your hands do the same thing they did that night Heat told you, you had devil fruit powers. You can see your hands start to shake when the ball finally starts to materialize. Even with the ball being small as it is, it was difficult to make it stable. How did you do it so well the first time is unknown.

Just then, the ball exploded and the electricity shot out in all different directions. Thankfully no one got hurt but you immediately felt bad for putting other people in danger.

“Oh my god, is everyone okay!? I’m so sorry!” Smoker only crossed his arms.

“It’s fine. You might be able to make that a move, but it’s also dangerous to do around people. So practice that alone and do it when you're surrounded by enemies.” Nodding, you look down at your hands and see red burning lines along your skin. It must have been one of the downsides of your devil fruit. But the sound of a squawking paper bird has you looking up. The second you looked up, today’s paper came falling down before hitting you straight in the face.

“Ow! Damn bird!” Rubbing your nose, you grab the newspaper off the ground. Giving the bird the finger, you open the paper, and horror washes over you the moment you read the title.

‘Halyward Island Ransacked and Burned to Ashes by Kid Pirates!’

“What?! No way…” The picture that accompanied it was ruined buildings and smoke still fizzling from the ashes. Its monotone colors make the horror from the singular picture more gut-wrenching.

‘After recent news about Eustass Kid’s darling being spotted on Halyard Island, it seems the man himself decided to make an appearance to take back what’s his. But unfortunately, it seems his darling has already left the island! Some surviving islanders are mad that she came to the island while some don’t blame her. It’s a 50/50 split among the survivors. Will this be a one time thing or will any island be in danger if she’s spotted there?’

Lowering the newspaper, you look down at the ground with tears running down your eyes. You were completely silent as the tears slipped across your skin. Your hands shook as your horrified look tipped off Smoker and the Marine. It didn’t hit you that Smoker had taken the paper from your hands before you heard him cuss.

“What the fuck is this shit?! Ain’t no way they're blaming you for a pirate's insanity!” You see Smoker ripping apart the newspaper before throwing it overboard. He walked over to you with a stern look on his face.

“Listen here (Y/N), what happened on Halyard Island is not your fault. Journalists are all freaks who feed off the misery and suffering of others. Now tell me it isn’t your fault.” Letting out a few sniffles and shaky breaths, you repeat it back to him while wiping your tears.

“...it’s not my fault…”

“I didn’t hear you!”

“It’s not my fault.”

“Again!”

“It’s not my fault!”

“And don’t you forget it! We’re done for today.” Just like that, Smoker turns around and walks away. Leaving you and the Marine there.

“He’s right. It’s not your fault.”

“I should know that, but the guilt is killing me. It felt like I was looking at a picture of my home.”

“Maybe take a nap? Sleeping always makes me feel better, even if it’s just for a second.”

“I guess…” You rub your upper arm to soothe yourself as you make your way to the bunks. While being alone sounds nice to hide and cry, it also sounds horrible. It’d leave you with your toxic thoughts as the words on the paper replay in your mind every single second. You fear how true it was as you remember the little boy who came up to you. Was he okay? He was so sweet. You hoped he knew it wasn’t your fault.

When you made it to your bunk, you collapse on the bed and hold your stomach. A heartbreaking feeling overcomes you as the thought of the little boy getting hurt. He was a simple child, he shouldn’t have to deal with such destruction. Looking down at your tummy, you let out a shaky breath.

“Why can’t I accept it’s not my fault? I even tried disguising myself. If it wasn’t for the small gust of wind, then that island might still be okay.”

“I keep thinking about you and this whole pregnancy thing. I won’t lie to you. I’ve been thinking about once you're in the world, I was gonna put you up for adoption. It’d be better for both of us. I haven’t even met you, but I know you deserve a normal, loving home. A place where you can grow up without worries. A place you can grow up without me.” Your body begins to shake as more tears soon blur your vision. Biting your trembling lip, you try to collect yourself.

“I can’t take care of you. Not when I feel like I’m about to break down any second. I hate your father and want him to keel over and die. My hatred is something I don’t want you to grow up surrounded by. I want you to love the world. You could even try to change it for the better.” The silence after your words makes you let out a pitiful giggle.

“You're not even the size of an oreo, and yet I’m talking to you like you can hear me. God, I probably look so crazy talking to myself. Maybe I am crazy, maybe this is all a dream, and I’ll wake up at home. That’d be insane, huh? Everything I’ve ever known in the past two to three years just gone. And that's another reason why I cannot be your mother. I want that. I want this hell to be a dream. I want to go back to my home. Wake up and realize that this never happened.”

“I cannot be the mother of a child I dream doesn’t exist. I do hope you understand in the far future, why I’m making this decision. Please don’t hate me for it. I just want you to have a childhood so loving that your smile lights up a room. That even the worst of the worst can’t ignore or harm you in any way once they see your smile.”

“And while that smile is not something I can give you, know that I don’t hate you. I just know this is best for you. And what’s best for you…isn’t me.”

~~~

Another art piece lets gooo

#one piece x reader #eustass kid x reader #eustass captain kid x reader

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runningfrom2am · 11 months

Note

I was wondering if you could write a jj x female reader where he’s dating kiara but then he meets the reader and starts to fall in love with her so he doesn’t know what to do.

omg yes i love this so much. and thank you for sending in a request at all! i’m honoured that you chose me :))

this is my first jj fic too and i’m instantly obsessed like hello??

anywaysss please enjoy!

hard to carry

pairing: jj x kook!reader

wc: 1.3k

JJ never believed in love at first sight. Why would he when it had taken years for him and his girlfriend to finally get together? He had loved her- desperately, and had felt like after years of flirting hopelessly he finally got his shot with Kie and he was head over heels. He was happy. But it wasn’t everything he had dreamed of. They fought nearly constantly these days, and her parents had never gotten over the bitter taste in their mouths they had over him even after they found El Dorado and he could give their daughter the life he assumed they wanted for her. It was draining, but he assumed it was all so worth it.

Your parents had just bought a summer home on Kildare island, and you instantly fell in love with the city. The endless beaches, the expansive golf course and with everyone you’ve met so far this summer. You already looked forward to spending every June, July, and August here for the foreseeable future, and have already considered moving into the house full time to watch it while your parents are back in New York living up the Wallstreet life for the remainder of the year. At eighteen, you’re praying they’ll give you the chance.

In an attempt to prove your independence, you’re spending the day alone, running errands for your mom and dad, visiting some local shops and taking the time to get to know everything better. That’s when JJ first lays his eyes on you.

He’s walking around the busy grocery store with a clunky basket, readjusting his grip over and over again because he’d be caught dead before grabbing a cart when he’s shopping alone. You saw no shame in that, however, resting your hip against the side of the half full cart of groceries while you glance between the list in your hands and the table of produce in front of you.

JJ’s eyes fall on your figure as he’s about to reach for a bag of apples, immediately finding himself doing a double take. The way your hair falls over part of your face as he watches you try to pick out the freshest looking watermelon has his breath hitching in his throat, and he instantly abandons his attempt at fitting the bag of apples into his already almost filled basket, deciding a watermelon looks more refreshing in the North Carolina heat anyways.

“Hey- that’s the one I was gunning for.” JJ finds himself saying, pointing to the watermelon in your hands as you turn to place it in the cart.

“Oh! Gosh, sorry. Here.” You say sheepishly, holding the fruit out to him immediately and JJ feels his heart melt.

“Nah, you can keep it. I was just joking.” JJ chuckles, placing his basket on the floor. “It does look the best though, you’ve got a sharp eye.

“Thanks.” You laugh, resigning to putting the watermelon down in your cart instead. “I think you should take that one, that one is second best.” You joke, pointing to a different one on the table.

JJ nods, pretending to consider it. “Yeah, yeah you’re probably right.” He nods, picking it up and inspecting it. “Are you new in town?” He asks, attempting to be casual about it, but he’s genuinely curious since he knows if he’d ever seen you before, he absolutely would have remembered it.

“Uh, yeah! My parents just bought a house here. Down on the other side of the island.” You explain, your cheeks flushing as you pretend to read over your list again.

“Oh, you’re a kook?” JJ replies, making you quirk an eyebrow at him.

“Excuse me?”

Now it was JJ’s turn to blush, his face immediately turning a bright red as he looked at you with wide eyes, long forgetting his ploy at examining the watermelon in his hands. “I- yeah I guess you wouldn’t know what that means. Sorry, just, people who live over there have that nickname. Just means you live on the north side, that’s all.”

Your face relaxes and you giggle. JJ has never heard a laugh so lovely, so sweet that he thinks it could make his jaw hurt if he dwelled on it for too long. “Oh! Okay, neat. I didn’t know that.” You shake your head at your own misunderstanding.

“Yeah, I guess that’s just local slang, kinda.” JJ shrugs, returning your smile and leaning back against the counter, putting the fruit down again. “I’m JJ, by the way. I’m definitely not a kook.”

“Oh, what do they call you then? Assuming you wouldn’t call me a ‘kook’ if you were one yourself.” You ask, tilting your head in his direction.

“Pogues. Pogies, sometimes.” JJ laughs as he explains it, suddenly understanding how silly it must sound to someone who didn’t grow up here.

“Interesting.” You nod a little. “Well, JJ the ‘pogue’, I’m Y/N.”

“Not exactly how you use that, but it’s nice to meet you, Y/N.” JJ grins, leaning back on his palms as they press onto the table.

“Sorry.” You laugh awkwardly again, and JJ can’t help it when his stomach flips once more at the sound. He glances down at his still present basket, remembering suddenly who gave him the list of what to buy, and who he was bringing everything home to so they could make pasta together for dinner. Shit.

“You’re all good.” He laughs it off with you, smile fading with the sudden pang of guilt that followed the dread of returning home to Kie. Who he loved. Loves, still, surely.

“Well, I’ve got frozen stuff here, so I better keep moving…” You trail off, looking into the cart you’ve gathered of almost everything on the list. “I probably should have grabbed those last but I wasn’t really thinking I guess.” You ramble on, stepping around the cart and past JJ to push it away.

“I did the same thing, I get it.” JJ admits, reaching down to pick up his basket.

“Hey, uh, I don’t have any friends down here. Mind if I grab your instagram or something?” You ask, suddenly feeling brave as you stop the cart and turn to face the blonde boy that you admittedly find very attractive. Besides, having friends here will definitely implore your parents to let you stay.

“Yeah! Yeah, here.” JJ nods, digging into the pocket of his cargo shorts and pulling out his phone to open the rarely used app, handing it over to you.

“Yikes, an android? I don’t know if I can be seen with you.” You joke as you take the device, quickly typing in your own username and hitting the follow button, passing it back to him as he laughs.

“Gee, thanks.” JJ chuckles, shaking his head and looking down at the account still left open.

“Maybe I’ll see you around, JJ the pogue.” You tease, giving a quick wave as you make your way towards the front of the store.

“Still not how you say that!” He calls after you, seeing you shrug your shoulders without looking back.

As you turn the corner, JJ let’s out a breath he didn’t know he was holding, once more adjusting the grip his now sweaty palms had on the handles of the basket. The basket full of groceries for Kie, that suddenly feels much harder to carry. Fuck, he doesn’t want to go home to her anymore. And fuck, he can’t wait to scroll through your instagram and endlessly hope that he’ll see you again.

#jj maybank imagine #jj maybank #jj maybank x reader #jj maybank fanfiction #jj obx #jj x reader #jj maybank x kook!reader #jj maybank blurb #jj maybank x you #obx imagine #outer banks

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bewitchingivy · 1 year

Text

pac ; reminding you why you're so amazing

Welcome to another pick a card by yours truly! I really loved doing a reading for this topic, I originally planned to read four piles, but when I got to the fourth one; the messages that I got were just repeating the ones that were already dealt with in the previous piles, no matter how many times I shuffle, so I decided to leave it at three. So generally, the purpose of this pick a card is to remind you how amazing you are, to remind you why you should love and appreciate yourself, but there's also gonna be some short messages about how you should care for yourself right now and a channeled message from a love one. Gosh, I really hope that you'll feel good about yourself after reading your pile <333

methods used in this reading: intuition, tarot, music.

࿐ DISCLAIMERS:

Tarot or any forms of divination is not set in stone. It’s not your only future, but a probable one with the current energy you have right now. If a reading doesn’t resonate, simply let it fly away and shift your energy. Because you can change your reality, and you have the undeniable power to do so.

Please keep in mind that my readings are for entertainment, positive, or inspirational purposes only. Please don’t take them as a professional or medical advice. Any actions or decisions taken are your responsibility.

The images I use in my blog are not mine unless I say so. The pictures belong to their respectful owners.

Enjoy your reading! <3

pile one

How to care for yourself right now: have fun and feel young. Don't ignore your inner child. Do the things that you've done when you were a child, or do the things that you've always wanted to do but have never done it when you were a child. Don't be afraid. Don't hinder the child in yourself.

To you who's chosen the first pile, I would like to start off by saying that you should be proud of your mind. You're a curious person; you always ask questions and you always strive to learn whether that be flipping through pages in a library or keeping your eyes and mind open by learning and accepting the lessons you could learn in your life. You're witty, creative, and never doubt any idea you have. In fact, I'm hearing right now that you're being advised by your spirit guides that whatever idea you have in this current moment, go do it. Don't second guess yourself. You're a lively and charismatic person. You have a charm and aura you carry around that bring people in and warm them like the comfort you'll have when sitting by the fireplace. You have the power to bring love and positivity into your loved ones lives, and you should know that even though you haven't heard this from them, they're really grateful to have you in their lives. Remember that. Last but not least, you are resilient. Your strength and your will to never give up on whatever you're doing is very admirable. You have gone through so many storms, but you're still here standing tall and proud for the things you have overcome and learned. You have grown wise and stronger than you were before. But you seek to constantly grow and learn, asking yourself to become more better than yesterday. Smile. Because I believe—and you should too, especially you—that whatever storm you'll face next, you can overcome it just like before.

A short message from a love one (anyone, but it was my intention to channel from someone from your soul family): You're not alone. You shouldn't be afraid to ask for help too. It's completely okay. You know I'm always here for you, I'm not going anywhere. You'll always have me. Even if we're physically apart, my spirit is always watching over yours; encouraging and comforting you when you need it. I'm sure you feel that sometimes. Don't forget how worthy you are.

Clues to who this person is: a grandmother/godmother, father/father figure. Your spirit guide. An older brother, an older male friend.

Shufflemancy: Only The Young by Taylor Swift

Take care of yourself, and remember that you are an important and loveable human being! Feel free to leave a feedback 🫶🏻 — Ivy

Check out my masterlist for more!

pile two

How to care for yourself right now: Whatever creative project/passion/hobby you have on right now that you're thinking of postponing/abandoning, don't stop it. If you're feeling overwhelmed or anything by it, set it aside for a while and give your mind some rest. But don't quit.

To the person who's reading this, you are someone who's a great leader. You inspire people around you and you are willing to help someone in need. You are talented, even if you don't see it, but others see that in you. I'm seeing that there is something that you're particularly talented/skillful at—if you are doing something creative like I mentioned above, then this message particularly applies to you that you are skillfull in that field. Don't you dare let your doubts/insecurities stop you from continuing. You should know that you are trustworthy, and when you are in leadership, people look up to you and trust you. You will do/are doing something in this lifetime that helps people. You're setting a good example in your community. You are a kind and open minded person. You accept imperfection and see it as beauty because you understand that nothing and no one in this world is perfect, and that's what makes it beautiful. You are a highly courageous person. But just like everyone else, you get scared over something. But you are determined and you push on even if you are afraid which makes you fearless. You're well aware of your strengths and weaknesses, and I am proud of you for accepting yourself for who you are. You have done well and will continue to do so.

A short message from a love one (anyone, but it was my intention to channel from someone from your soul family): Take breaks when you can, love. Remember that. Your body needs some rest, and you need to listen to your body. Be healthy. Start eating healthy, eat your fruits and vegetables, and don't always eat out. Be mindful of what you eat.

Clues to who this person is: a platonic/romantic soulmate that you haven't met yet. A best friend who “acts like a mom,” you know that kind of friend who reprimands their friends for not taking care of themselves, heh.

Shufflemancy: Lego House by Ed Sheeran

Take care of yourself, and remember that you are an important and loveable human being! Feel free to leave a feedback 🫶🏻 — Ivy

Check out my masterlist for more!

pile three

How to care for yourself right now: Ground yourself. Be in the present moment. Your mind has been everywhere, the past and the future, but you haven't been focusing in the now. Breathe and look around you. Be still and be at peace for a moment. Do some meditation.

The people who have chosen this pile are very intellectual and intelligent. I shouldn't be surprised that all the cards that came out right now are swords. You guys might not even consider yourselves or you don't believe in yourselves a lot. Don't underestimate yourself, you literally have no idea what you can do and make possible with your mind. You can even make manifesting so effortless. But you won't be able to unlock all your potential if you doubt yourself, therefore you should start opening your eyes and see how powerful you are. You are also very intuitive and psychic, you don't need to seek answers outside yourself because it is already in you and you know it better than anyone else. To anyone who's reading this, you should know that your ideas are spectacular. You should give yourself more credit. You are very clever. You are a mastermind (you gotta listen to Mastermind Taylor Swift, because that just came up to me.) And when you promise something to anyone or to yourself, you are true to your word. You are responsible and you hold so much respect to yourself, and other people will see that in you therefore they will start respecting you too. You are a planner. And when you have something to do, you always work hard to complete it. You never give up. You grit your teeth, but you keep moving on. Keep going, because you're doing well.

A short message from a love one (anyone, but it was my intention to channel from someone from your soul family): Honestly, don't take life too seriously, you deserve to have some fun too. Go out and have fun with your friends. Celebrate that you are alive with the people that you love. Don't be in hurry, just enjoy the ride. Take your time, alright?

Clues to who this person is: a group of people in your soul family, they are/will come into your life as your friend group.

Shufflemancy: Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana

Take care of yourself, and remember that you are an important and loveable human being! Feel free to leave a feedback 🫶🏻 — Ivy

Check out my masterlist for more!

#bewitchingivy #pick a pile #pick a card #free tarot readings #tarot reading #intuitive reading #divination #pac #tarot #witchblr #tarot community #general tarot reading #witch community #channeled reading #channeled message #self care #self love

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teeth--thief · 2 months

Note

Photos of Lyonyd (Leonid?…) Toptunov? I wouldn’t mind rambling on him, also.

- Rodka

I deliberately saved this ask for last (sort of). As a treat for myself and as a threat for everyone else ♡ And for @ur-favorite-basil-enthusiast since he was also interested in seeing The Collection.

I'll have to split this into a few parts - dreaful, I know! - because I can only add 10 pictures to one post while on mobile =( I'll keep reblogging with additional pictures till I run out of things to share. Subscribe for more insane content in the future and don't forget to click that bell icon to...

Part 1

He had manifested to me in a dream when I first started researching Chernobyl, have I ever mentioned that? Well, he has. Which was truly an anomaly because I almost never have any dreams at all... but about that some other time, perhaps.

I am going to put the pictures of him under the cut so nobody gets jumpscared by my Collection of Five Billion White Guy Pictures. And I'll also include some relevant information! Or as relevant as I can make it, at least.

Just to be clear (and safe): I found all of these out in the wild, on da internet. I am, however, pretty sure that at least the collage of his pics from uni times is from @/toptunovleonid on Instagram. So, just to be very clear: all credit for at least that goes to her.

Semi-chronologically, his pictures go like this:

Ignoring that one picture that is barely visible and out of frame in a few pictures of the photo album it's in, because he looks about 10 there and I feel slightly weird about sharing it specifically.

We're in... Tallinn, middle school number 11!

Second boy from the left in the second picture is him. That is he. He who was 15 then. And a 16 year old Lyonya in the left picture, of course.

From this time, one of his classmates remembers him as follows: At school he was quiet, unnoticeable, very shy. I remember he was always hanging out with younger kids. He was chubby. They'd now say he was a "nerd". Alright, we get it, he was a sweet child... Teen? Both? Or was he like this all his life? Either way, please stop before I die from all that sugar...

He's (10th grade) the guy leading the little girl (1st grade). His shapeless hair has charmed me. What's his hair routine and will it work on my curls? Mhm, didn't think so. And first in the second row from the bottom in the small pictures, in case you can't recognise his face yet.

As a bonus - his school certificate from the school in Tallinn he attended until graduating in 1977:

The grades were from 2 (you didn't pass with that one, so that's an F) to 5 (an A, I suppose?). So as you can see, he certainly studied well. What a nerd (affectionately).

Uni territory now! Moscow calling 📞 or, rather, Obninsk and the MEPhI

If you weren't born in any of the USSR countries during The Soviet Times, it'll come as a surprise to you but the students had mandatory... field... work... classes...? if you can call them that. They had them digging potatoes and what not. Nothing screams socialist spirit like making uni students do free labour in the field, I guess?

Pictures with his uni girlfriend, how cuuute! (And Sasha Korol hanging from the roof in the background... for reasons unknown)

Lyonya pretending to drive a combine harvester. And next to him, obviously, Sasha Korol. When I first saw this picture, I thought he was on some kind of a scaffolding but alas - it's one of those old beasts, like our Bizon. But that's not a Bizon because those had roofs. Nobody here cares for USSR combines talk - not even me - let's move on.

Not too sure when these two are from but they look uni enough to me - probably from the very beginning and sometime closer to the end, judging by his stache doing significantly better...

Mandatory military service because a REAL MAN in the USSR needed to know how to shoot a gun, obviously. Even when that meant military service interrupted your uni for a short while. I say that as if no other countries before or after had mandatory army time... don't question it, I'm doing a bit.

Lyonya is second in top row in the picture on the left and third from the left in the top row in the other pic. Korol is there, too, he's fourth from the left in the top row in the first picture and second from the right in the bottom row in the other picture.

#I'll leave my particularly unhinged comments for later pictures. just you wait. wait and quiver in fear #leonid toptunov #file: special interest: chernobyl #chernobyl #file: ask!#asker: rodka

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theflirtmeister · 6 months

Note

ooh we've had a lot of mentions of lawrence claiming adam in the omegaverse (either as a potential future or a thing that's already happened depending on timeline) but how about the actual event? do love a good claiming. dealer's choice whether it's sweet and romantic or a bit fucked up or both 💚 ~ monty

Adam can’t believe they go through two heats before Lawrence tries to claim him.

Maybe it’s just something that Adam’s come to expect – you go into heat with an alpha to fuck you through it, and they try to bite your neck and make you part of their personal property. It’s why most single omegas hire betas for their heats, and also why Adam once punched Scott in the face when he tried to clamp his teeth down on Adam’s throat.

Adam’s dizzy when his heat breaks for the second time, suddenly painfully aware of being sticky and gross, cunt sore. He whimpers like a bitch, and Lawrence cradles him in his arms, protective and caring. His knot is still splitting Adam open, and they rut together like teenagers before Adam has his umpteenth orgasm and buries his face into Lawrence’s shoulder.

He smells so fucking good. Adam doesn’t think anyone can blame him for chewing on the soft flesh of Lawrence, tasting something heady. He wants to spend weeks in bed with Lawrence, until they both forget how to move.

“I’ve got you,” Lawrence says. “It’s okay, I’ve got you.”

Adam can still remember the police breaking down the bathroom door, light spilling into the room. Adam had cringed away from it, tried to curl up in the corner, but then he had smelt Lawrence on the officer’s hands, and known that they must have been okay, because Lawrence was part of this. Lawrence was good. Lawrence had come back for him.

Adam shudders and feels Lawrence’s knot start to soften inside of him. He shifts his hips a little to get comfortable, but Lawrence mistakes his intentions, and tries to pull out.

“No,” Adam says sharply. “Don’t move.”

“Bossy.” Lawrence says fondly, but obeys Adam’s wishes. His hands are warm on Adam’s skin, and Adam knows he must smell like him, must leak Lawrence out of every pore. Claimed in every way but the most important one.

“Hey,” Adam says, afraid to look Lawrence in the eye. “Why haven’t you claimed me yet?”

Lawrence strokes Adam’s back. “I didn’t think you wanted it.”

“You don’t think I want to be claimed?” Adam says, a little affronted.

“You always seem so independent. Just you against the world. I thought you might have been a new wave omega.”

Adam snorts. He’s as new wave as Lawrence is mentally stable.

“You’ve never asked me to claim you.” Lawrence also points out. “Even when you’re… very in heat.”

“When I’m gagging for it.” Adam says. He likes how delicate Lawrence is about his basic human nature.

“Yes,” Lawrence says. “You just… want me to fill you.”

Adam rubs his face against Lawrence’s neck. “I’d like to be claimed. If you wanted to.”

“Are you serious?” Lawrence pulls away so that they can look at each other face-to-face. “That’s a big step-“

“Well, I can always get someone else to override it,” Adam says crossly. “But yeah. I think it would be nice.”

A very soppy smile crosses Lawrence’s face, and he covers Adam with kisses. Adam can’t help but snort with laughter as Lawrence eagerly mouths him, hands everywhere.

“I’m guessing you want that too?” He asks, as Lawrence scents him with delight.

“Of course I want that,” Lawrence says. “I want that more than anything else in the world.”

“You big fucking nerd,” Adam says fondly. “You’re worse than I am.”

He exposes his throat, trying to ignore the slight trembling. Lawrence’s mouth is warm against his skin, and he licks and sucks at Adam’s bare claim point until Adam is starting to get a little hard again. He clenches around Lawrence’s softening cock, and Lawrence groans.

“Going to be the death of me.” He murmurs, before testing out his teeth on Adam’s skin. “Are you sure?”

“I love you.” Adam says in reply.

“Christ.” Lawrence says reverently, and splits open Adam's throat.

#ANSWERED #chainshipping #sawmega verse #for u beloved <3 claiming + sappiness

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natsumiheart · 23 days

Text

Ever since I met you.

…Hello world! Lmao

Hi, I'm Natsumi, and I'm wondering who is even reading this but if you are, welcome to a very long post about how I got into Tears of Themis, how it helped me through such a hard time, and how I ended up falling in love with a certain detective.

I made this post for an event on hoyolab but I’m posting it here too in my trashcan! I already wanted to have a post documenting this online just for myself, even if in the future I cringe while reading it, I can look back and remember the emotions I felt through the year. I also wanted to share it with the world so that maybe people will feel like me, or come to appreciate this character that I love so much as much as I do. (you’re free to reblog btw!)

Warning: This post is mostly about Luke!

It contains spoilers about some Luke cards and some spoilers for his Blossom Chapter. There are small scenes from episodes 2 and 5 of main story as well. Oh, and Artem and Luke 2nd anniversary cards.

If you are here because you’re interested in learning or reading more about Luke and do not care much for the rest, I recommend the interlude, part 6, and The end: part 1. The other parts also talk about Luke and his stories but those are the most important in my opinion.

Due to Tumblr’s 30 image per post limit, this will be divided into 3 parts, each part added with a reblog.

______________________________

Index because this post ended up incredibly long so here are the parts laid out to read anything you’re interested in!

> Part 1: Introduction

(How did I learn about this game?)

> Part 2: Contact

(Getting the game)

> Part 3: The Beginning

(Starting the game and first impressions lol)

> Part 4: Falling

(FOR LUKE AHAH)

> Interlude: Luke Pearce’s Fear

> Part 5: Obsession

(How and why did this obsession start?)

> Part 6: Reflection

(Thinking back on Luke’s personality that attracted me)

> The end: Memories

(Extra memorable moments)

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Part 1: Introduction

I play Genshin (shocker) and I have some online friends who play it as well, so when Tears of Themis came out globally since it's made by Hoyoverse as well, most people who played genshin went to check it out. I discovered Tears of Themis through those people, and I was recommended the game by my online friends.

What was my response?

“I have no phone storage.” AAHAHAH, yes. I'm not a day one player. I only started during the second anniversary because back when the game came out despite being interested I could not play because I did not have any device that could handle the game. My phone could not handle Genshin's size either, it's not compatible to begin with- I played Genshin on the PlayStation [emoji]

However I did not forget about the game, I was just hoping that somehow one day, a miracle will happen and I will be able to play mobile games like other people LOL but what are the odds of that happening?... Well, a miracle happened 2 years later.

Bonus: I had a little beef at the time with Artem because I kept thinking drawings of him were actually of Jumin who is a very well written character I love like crazy from mystic messenger since 2016 BWAHAHA

Every masterpiece.. has its cheap copy.. IM JKJK PUT THAT KNIFE DOWN AHAHA

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Part 2: Contact

So one day I was visiting my aunt's house and met my cousin's acquaintance. I met the guy for like.. only 2 hours and during those hours my cousin told him about how I draw digitally but I have been drawing on an 8 year old phone that stays alive for like 30 mins at a time AHHAHA

The guy was like “That's it, I'm getting you an iPad to draw on.” I laughed, thinking he was joking- but then 2 days later I received TWO iPads, one for me and one for my little sister! W t f. Angels do exist on earth? And I was never able to thank him in person because he's a busy guy who only visited my village and I never saw him again o.o

Can you guess what I started doing when I got it? Download a bunch of games I wanted to try throughout the years but couldn't! Among them was Tears of Themis. My house didn't have the best Internet and had a couple hours of electricity a day so I downloaded it very slowly at my aunt's house.

I remember so clearly about how I sat next to my sister as I was downloading the game, and it started playing the second anniversary promotion video since it was starting during that time. At first I was like “aww, they proposing!” but suddenly things turned spicy and I almost dropped the iPad from my hand HAHA.

I did not know what to expect going into this game because I stayed away from spoilers and videos about it since I knew I wanted to get into it myself one day (I was interested in the main story). It made me sad too to be honest because I wanted to play it but couldn't, so I avoided it for years.

I however, did not expect at all that the game would get THAT spicy LMAO my sister noticed my reaction and she was like “What's up?” And I was like “you cannot see this” though she is older than the game’s age rating AHAHHA

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Part 3: The beginning

I was so excited getting into this game! When I started I was incredibly hooked to the main story, and at the time.. hear this.. I had a bias towards Artem because he looked like Jumin AHAHA

I was honestly more interested though in the main story than the boys, because the boys didn't make me feel much at the time- I do not have a “love at first sight” I never had that kind of experience for real life people or fictional people. (Anyone can experience it, and that's valid! It's just for me personally that never happens.)

After knowing characters and learning more about them, that's when sometimes- I fall in love with them as a character, they end up giving me so much happiness just seeing them, they give me comfort.. And they fill up my sketchbooks HAHA is this love romantic? Usually no, that's very rare!

I did not feel much for Artem (turns out the only thing he and Jumin have in common were their looks and being socially awkward, shocker-) but I had a little interest that led to me pulling for his second anniversary card when I started being able to wish. I lost- and got a standard Artem, but then I won and got his card LMAO you can get a lot of wishes starting off. However I was doing the stories of the standard SRs, along with the main story and someone.. someone was warming up a lot to my heart.

______________________________

Part 4: Falling

The boys were all very interesting and lovely characters! (The NPCs as well!!)

Artem, despite how he comes off at work, is actually just a shy guy who is bad at communication outside of work.

Vyn is actually a very interesting and well written character being very different than the rest of the cast due to his unique upbringing (honestly? His family feels like a cult, bro literally is running from a cult) and you learn more about his own psychology the more you get to know him.

Marius is literally just an artist who wants to chase the life he wants but is hindered by responsibility and his position.

And Luke- Luke stole my heart LOL

First off, he's a detective and I've already confessed online to having a thing for detectives by a drawing- that starting since I was a kid and I watched detective conan🧍‍♀️his introduction chapter.. was very interesting. It was literally the first episode, Rosa clearly knows and cares about this character right off the bat you're like hmm? What was this guy doing for 8 years? Why did he show up now after so long? Almost making him suspicious even. But he and Rosa seemed so close despite it all.

After that Luke had started showing up in the story here and there, a moment that made me go “ohh.. what a cool guy.” Was when after Marius’ case in episode 2, he shows up on a bike like “get in we outta here” and saved her from all the reporters.

His theme plays at this scene.. my heartttt

Revealing he'd been watching her and the case from afar and was literally waiting for her to get out and get her away.

I started reading the standard SRs, the first one I did was “Among the great blue” which honestly I recommend everyone doing again because I bet you all do not remember Luke saying this about Jellyfish

The card made me go *the rock eyebrow raise* GAHAH and at the time I was all innocent, not knowing anything about what Luke was going through, so when Rosa woke up and did not find him sleeping next to her (after she invaded where he's supposed to be sleeping lmao) and Luke was hunched over like “I'm fine I just accidentally swallowed gum lol” I actually believed him 💀 there were signs, but it would fly over a player's head until things are revealed ON THE FIRST FREAKING ACT OF HIS PERSONAL STORY and suddenly everything makes sense. Wow.

When I started personal story, I was just starting it because starting all of them is part of the “Rookie tasks” event you get when you start the game. Only to be punched in the gut immediately.

This is LITERALLY what you’re greeted with when you start his story 💀

I was starting to warm up to this guy and you're telling me.. he's sick and planning to leave us.. omg.

I got to choose one limited SR from the Rookie event, and I thought Luke looked adorable so I picked his card "A star in the palm" and the story.. omg that card, I'm weak. Everyone needs to see it, READ IT!

It’s illegal to be BOTH handsome and adorable smh

After that I started WANTING to do more Luke stories so I did the other standard SRs “Radiant Sunlight”, “Timely Rescue”, “Inner Sanctum”. They were all so good, my favorite being Inner Sanctum for how much it messed with my heart.

Dude is literally falling and he STILL makes sure to protect her.

I- was dying. I started pulling for Luke's anniversary card, starting to regret my choice going for Artem's. But he wouldn't come-

So I went back to main story because that's how you get the most schips, and guess what- I had reached episode 5…

______________________________

Interlude: Luke Pearce’s Fear

The way episode 5 starts, Luke joins the NXX and Rosa is incredibly surprised seeing him there introducing himself as an agent from the NSB. Meanwhile Luke… is mad.

At first he can't believe Artem would even make her do this but she confirms to him that it was her decision, and then he spills the truth about his identity, and about where he's been the past 8 years. He apologizes, for lying, for planning to leave her again, for everything.

And then this happens.

You guys, this scene made me go straight up insane. You can tell how much he had cared and loved her for all these years, and how his biggest fear is literally the main character getting hurt or something happening to her. I felt so emotional over it, that after this act I started DESPERATELY pulling for his card and I finally- finally got it

Episode 5 BTW is one of my favorites in the main story, it is 3 parts because it's THAT good. It's when people will start seeing what Luke is as a character, what's beneath the surface you see in episode 1. (Also this episode introduced the best character: Hugh Moss AHAHH)

The parallel between Rosa, and Jasmine (the reporter whose case you investigate), was not lost on me. That reporter died trying to expose the truth which is exactly what Rosa has been trying to do. I think the entire chapter literally is showing you why Luke is so scared of her continuing the path she's in.

But you know what's the best part? He's freaking terrified, yet he never forces her to leave. He says this:

People keep saying Luke is a red flag that keeps trying to control Rosa and her actions and I swear my reaction is always “Are you even paying attention?” Luke never forces Rosa, he only shows he's against it, but he always says he will support her whatever decision she makes.

A similar more light-hearted situation is the story of his summer card “Iridescent Heartbeat” where Luke is afraid of Rosa getting hurt or doing things that are too much for her so he doesn't consider doing things such as Bungee jumping or rafting. But Rosa insists that she wants to do it and when she's visibly afraid later, Luke teases her a bit (LOL)

but then holds her close to him and soothes her saying there's nothing to be afraid of cause he's there.

He encourages her to do what she wants! And when she does indeed get hurt because the rope was too tight around her leg, he does NOT put the blame on her, but on himself-

Y'ALL HOW IS THIS GUY CONTROLLING??

(The scene after kinda got on my nerves cause Rosa got “angry” that he’s not his usual “cheerful self” like girl I love you but please- can’t you see how much you getting hurt affects him? She pretends that she’s angrier than she actually is making Luke apologize over and over like 💀 but tbh it was also funny, I don’t like how she handled it but it was funny lol)

When they go rafting Luke lets Rosa take the lead and he will follow her because she wanted to prove to him that he doesn't need to plan everything, however Rosa's plan backfires, things go horribly wrong and she can't figure out how to get the raft to go straight. Luke again, does not reprimand her in any way and only helps her so she can do what she wants. Later on even after they've fallen off the raft and onto the water he immediately holds her and takes her up to the surface so worried like “are you okay???” And despite all that, he says she's right. That she's always right and he will stop trying to plan and go more with the flow.

Luke never tried to control Rosa, he just loves her so much that he does not want to ever see her in pain or sad. He wants her to be the happiest girl in the world.

So who is Luke? Luke is the coolest mf, a guy that always jumps into action to help others with a heart so damn big that his own emotions slowly destroy him. He has felt an astronomical amount of guilt and regret since childhood- and has cared for and loved the main character just as long. The girl who is the reason he was able to keep his sanity, the girl who he always wanted to protect, and the girl who is the reason he is still here today.

I wholeheartedly believe that without Rosa in his life, Luke would've ended up completely different, if still alive at all.

Bonus: I remember people being like, the characters have gemstones that match their color in the proposal ring, so why does Luke have Ruby instead of something like Topaz? This is why.. the ruby in the ring represents Rosa (getting emotional over here omg) and honestly that ring is freaking insane because not only did he design and make it and its box by himself for years.. but a ruby is inside the key that Rosa gave to him.

Remember how Luke when you click on the key in visit says “I wear it like this to have it as close as possible to my heart” now look at the key.. if the Ruby is Rosa, and Luke’s heart is the key, do you see what he conveyed in that ring? Yea, I’m crying too.

______________________________

Part 5: Obsession

I have a bit of an obsession problem, I've been obsessed with stories, games, or characters and that obsession can last years of my lifetime. And it's understandable, when you're going through terrible things in your life, you get attached to what makes you feel happy and you hold on to that feeling. That's what starts that obsession.

When I got the second anniversary Artem card I did the story immediately and it was.. it was alright. Artem wants to propose, but in his attempt to keep it all secret distances himself too much and gets Rosa worried, but then wow! He proposes with the help of his coworkers and happy ending + things get a bit spicy at the end.

But I felt like.. like I'm getting deja vu AHAHA like I've seen this kind of story a million times before. (Probably cause I did from watching a bunch of kdramas and having consumed a bunch of stories from a lot of media) It did not exactly get me to feel anything much, I'm sure it's different for Artem stans though having him propose after probably following his story for 2 years XD good on you guys have fun with your mans!

For me though who had just started, it did not have that much of an effect. After I got the Luke anniversary card I was excited and went into the story oh so innocently not knowing back then that Luke cards are honestly heart wrenching.

It led to me crying in bed while the sun was rising from the window as Luke says “That's because I love you.”

The way how he blocks the wind from her and lets it hit him instead at that exact moment is freaking PEAK writing.

That card showed me a lot more about this man who is so shackled by his own emotions and circumstance, that he's willing to sacrifice everything even his own wants and dreams for the one he loves.

Have you guys seen that one official art with Rosa posing as Themis? And the boys are represented by the objects around her? Luke is the sword, Artem is the balance, Vyn is the blindfold, and Marius is the snake by her leg.

It starts to make sense why Luke is holding onto her sword to the point of bleeding, he's bleeding yet he looks up to her in absolute devotion not caring for what happens to him and his eyes are only always on her. He’s willing to be her sword, to take all of the pain and protect her so she can be happy.

My life.. has not been what is considered “normal”. I'm not going to give my backstory in this post aHAHAH but at the time when I started Tears of Themis I was going through a very bad point in my life where I was close to have given up completely on my future and accepted my fate as it is. I had shut down completely, and I went back to becoming a shut-in which is honestly something I went through for four years before, it wasn't good.

When you reach that point, you start becoming apathetic to everything.

Luke however, somehow started making me start having emotions again. Reading and learning about this character was actually affecting me in a way I have not been affected in a long time. He felt.. real, like I could feel his emotions, his love, his despair.

And that's part of why I got so attached to him and he became my comfort, because of him, I started to feel human again.

AHA CRINGE. OK enough with the sadness.

But I'll never forget how much Luke and Tears of Themis helped me keep a grip during those hard months. I'm in a better place now, it's not good- but it's better, and I still just open this game and visit Luke to help me ground myself.

One time after a bad day I accidentally touched him and he said this, I went insane-

I think that says a lot about the state of my sanity AHAHAH

______________________________

[To be continued in reblog]

#tears of themis #luke pearce #xia yan #lukerosa #rant #my complete insanity has shown its head once again #I just— love him so much LOL

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vi-enti · 11 months

Text

school’s over so back on the fanfic grind (a grind i have not openly shared on the internet since like. 2018), unsure if this is an idea to continue but i am thinking so hard... about the difficulties of the healing process. really gotta purge that poison

. . .

“Hello, this is… Hajime Hinata. The date is… I have no idea what the date is. It’s been 14 days, 9 hours, 47 minutes and 24 seconds since we woke up from the Neo World Program.”

“…I don’t know why I said it like that. It’s been about two weeks.”

“Uhh… I’m not sure what to say here, really. Naegi—Makoto, that is—told me this would be a good way to get my thoughts down. That way if there’s anything I forget, or anything I want everyone to know after… Well, I don’t think I can really forget anything. Even if I wanted to, I don’t think I could.”

“Sorry there are so many quiet gaps. I’m trying to think about what I want to say... I guess I’ll start with the facts, and we can go from there. I was the first person to wake up, and then Sonia. Kazuichi took a few hours longer, he was so… his limbs were so scarred. I could barely tell the healthy tissue apart from all of the burns and cuts. When he got out, he just kept screaming and crying, he just kept—“

“Akane was next, but she was barely a shell, too weak, so Makoto put her back under for a few more days before waking her up. She wasn’t in the pod though, we—they moved her to a hospital bed in a different room. This facility really has everything. You wouldn’t believe the scale of the medical equipment, Tsumiki would love it—“

“Basically, Akane woke up a week after Kazuichi, technically, and then we put her into a medical coma for a while. We as in… I didn’t do that. I mean, I did, but it didn’t feel like me.”

“Actually, I never feel like… me. I don’t know who me is supposed to be now. I’m still him—I mean, I’m still me—but I’m not me— fuck, this doesn’t make any fucking sense, I just can’t— Sonia, don’t touch me—“

“…”

“…I want my mom. I don’t remember the last time I wanted my mom. I don’t even… remember my mom, anymore.”

“…Patient 5, Kuzuryu Fuyuhiko. We plan to wake him from his induced medical coma today, following complications from his enucleation operation directly after awakening from pod sleep. There was an infection at the area of operation and I deemed it too dangerous to continue until it was cleared. Naegi had some objections, but his background is not medical, and does not always need to be taken into account. Patient 4 will simply have to wait.”

“He still has the damn thing.”

“…they all do.”

“Alter Ego, end recording.” Hajime slumped back against his chair, bringing a hand up to push his hair back. It was a newly acquired habit, one always accompanied by the feeling of missing something, like there wasn’t enough hair to run through his fingers. He hated it. Hated thinking that it wasn’t newly acquired at all, that whoever he was in the past few years did it all the time.

That hadn’t gone nearly as well as he’d liked. These voice diaries were supposed to be records so they could explain things easier to the others once they all woke up, something to jog their memories. Privately, he was sure that Makoto had asked him to make them more for his own sake, as if they’d help somehow with all of the different thoughts running through his brain all of the time. If he spoke them out loud, then somehow they’d disappear. It was the compromise they’d settled on after Hajime had refused to attend Future Foundation-provided therapy. Most of the time they turned out exactly like this, not suitable for anyone’s ears except his own.

Makoto was an idiot. Talking about it wasn’t going to stop the constant streams of thought in his brain, analyzing every thing and every action around him, picking apart the movements of his friends and their slight changes in tone, detecting every potential threat and every potential weapon for killing someone—fuck.

He was so tired of dreaming up all the ways people could die. His rare moments of sleep were already haunted by spears and giant Tetris blocks, by fire and poison and terrified faces. He didn’t need more deaths on his mind, constant echoes of terrors of his own creation.

Sitting up properly, he stretched his arms out before standing up to examine his half of the room. At least two people kept watch in the pod room at all times, waiting for anyone to wake up next and making sure nobody died. It reminded him of the hospital in the simulation, someone always watching over Akane and Ibuki and—

An alarm beeped and Sonia, on the other end of the room, startled awake in her own chair. She had stayed on that side after Hajime shoved her away earlier, eventually drifting to sleep by Gundham’s pod. It was the one she stared at the most, blue eyes alight with grief and fury, even if she wouldn’t admit it. She was better off than Hajime, at least. One of his eyes stayed empty. Makoto had warned him that she shouldn’t be allowed to spend so much time with Gundham, but he could never bring himself to pull her away. Clearing his throat, he waited for the former princess to look up towards him.

“Shift change. You should go sleep in an actual bed, I can wait for Kazuichi and Makoto if you want to go on ahead.” She shook her head, fingers trailing over the glass coffin holding the Ultimate Breeder.

“No, that’s alright. You’ve been here long enough, you need to rest before Fuyuhiko. It’s only a few more hours away. Besides, I…” Sonia trailed off, gaze shifting to the pod next to Gundham’s, covered with a sheet. Everyone had to be checked on, but there was just one person Hajime couldn’t stand to see. The only person in the room that caused his dead eye to come to life.

He couldn’t identify the emotion, but it had to be hate. It had to be, right?

At least he knew he wouldn’t be judged for it. Everyone had someone they couldn’t look at in this room, couldn’t face directly. Hajime was just the only one weak enough to require a sheet covering the pod. The only one who couldn’t be controlled if he had a fit of anger, or worse—one of despair.

Swallowing back bile, he nodded, making a quick exit from the room to the quarters right next door. A large room had been set up with beds and necessities for them, the six that were here and constantly switching out. Kyoko had suggested separate rooms, but after multiple nights of Kazuichi sneaking into his room or Sonia screaming in her sleep from across the hall, Hajime had fought for them to all be together. Makoto, almost with a child-like excitement, had insisted that he, Kyoko, and Aoi stay there too.

The lucky student in question had been sitting on the floor cross-legged when he walked in, laptop resting on a knee while he glared down at the screen. A glare from Makoto wasn’t usually all that effective, but whatever he was seeing seemed to be genuinely pissing him off. If Hajime had been anyone else, he wouldn’t have bothered disturbing the younger. Still, someone had to go fill in for him with Sonia until Kazuichi took over for her. The mechanic was nowhere to be seen—probably sitting at Akane’s bedside, as usual. Tapping Makoto gently on the shoulder, Hajime waited for him to look up from the email he had been so focused on.

“Oh, you’re back! Has it been six hours already? I didn’t even notice.” It wasn’t a long time to spend watching the pods, but Aoi had insisted. They had three pairs switching out, and she didn’t want anyone spending more time in the pod room than they did outside of it, in the fresh air and the real world—or so she said. Hajime was sure it had more to do with her growing concern for the five of them, Kyoko and Makoto included. While they hadn’t been in the program nearly as long, they still seemed just a bit too pale to her. As for himself, Sonia, and Kazuichi… Aoi had never known them before, but worried nonetheless about irreparable damage.

“Yes, I’m back. Will you find Kazuichi and tag Sonia out? She’s just finishing check-ups.” The shorter nodded, shutting his laptop and standing from his seat on the floor. “Everything alright?”

“It’s just Byakuya, he’s facing some problems bringing the medical equipment we need over to the island. The Future Foundation doesn’t see the need to care for some of the pre-existing conditions your class has, they’re just barely allotting enough supplies for taking care of the… last bits of Junko. It’s like you aren’t even humans to them, they just have no empathy!” Makoto rubbed his temples, forcing a weak smile onto his face. It hadn’t escaped Hajime that the bright-eyed boy that they had met in the final trial and the tired man before him right now seemed so far apart from each other. Because of us—because of me.

“We aren’t human to them.” He placed a hand on his shoulder, trying to offer some comfort. “But we are to you. You’re the best of them, Makoto. I know you’ll work things out.” The younger’s smile twisted, not exactly happy, and he nodded in response.

“Right. The Ultimate Hope, that’s me. I have to be able to fix this.” Hajime raised an eyebrow, not meaning that at all, but Makoto was already walking out of the room to take over watch duties. That had gone… stunningly bad. Whatever part of his soul had been able to produce hope for the others in the Neo World Program had been hiding, his mind and body too used to the actions and words of another. Another who had no idea how to give someone hope for the future, much less comfort someone just the slightest bit. All Hajime seemed to be good at these days was making things worse.

A warmth squeezed around his hand, like someone urging him to stop thinking, and he yanked it away from—from nothing. There was nobody there. He just needed to get some rest before Fuyuhiko’s surgery today.

Two beds remained empty, waiting for their last members. Akane was awake, but still too weak to leave her hospital bed, and Fuyuhiko would join them today. Hopefully. Sitting on his own perfectly made bed, he wondered if all of the remnants would end up sharing a room for the rest of time. The three of them awake so far had their nightmares, some worse than others, and it was impossible to imagine the rest being able to sleep easy after all that had happened. It was too easy to imagine everyone around the room, as if their spaces were already there waiting for them. Glancing around, Hajime could imagine each and every one of them smiling at him, if he could just bring them all back, if he could just wake them up.

A flash of pink and white hair danced at the corner of his eyes, a gentle smile and a false one, and he slammed his head down on the bed, covering his vision with a pillow. Sleep now, hypotheticals later. Hypotheticals that could never, ever be reality anyways. It was dangerous to get lost in thoughts of a happy ending.

He didn’t deserve an ending just yet. There was too much to fix.

#me and my fucking em dashes #anyways i'm just sharing this to see if it's?? interesting??#i've been writing hella fanfic but i'm always very hesitant to put it on the internet #but i've had soOoOOo many worms lately thinking about facing trauma and healing relationships and how that process is just so bumpy #i have a whole lot more that isn't hajime pov but this is all i'm sharing ATM #i just really want to put these folks in therapy. and that begins at the beginning!#moon babbles #danganronpa #i GUESS #cw surgery #cw medical #just in case #hajime hinata #sonia nevermind #makoto naegi #dr2 #moon writings

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andydrysdalerogers · 1 year

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Sliding Into Home ~ Are You Sure We Aren't Going Crazy

Pairing: MLB!Frank Adler x Abigail Hernandez (OFC)

Synopsis:

After a trade from Boston to Los Angeles, first baseman Frank Adler would seem to have it all. Money, women, an amazing niece, yes Frank should have it all. Except for one thing. One thing that left after a mistake five years ago. Los Angeles should be the chance to start over. Except she is supposed to be in Boston. Not his new medical director.

* A Frank Adler AU x Major League Baseball Story**

Warning: ANGST (i can't stress this enough), second chances, cheating, eventual smut, slow burn, drug use, abandonment issues, betrayal, domestic violence (i may have missed some), flashbacks

Dividers by @firefly-graphics

I do NOT give permission for my work to be translated or reposted on here or any other site, even if you give me credit. DO NOT REPOST MY FICS. Reblogs, comments, likes, and feedback ALWAYS appreciated

Previous: The Future is West

Main Masterlist ~Sliding Into Home Masterlist

Abigail Hernandez, Medical Director.

The sign on the door of her new office was still shiny as Abby stared at it from the outside. She couldn’t believe, with how young she was, that she was the head doctor for the Dodgers. Her heart clenched for a moment. This was supposed to be the Red Sox.

Moving the day after graduation had been the worst and yet the smartest decision she could have made. While she wished it was under better circumstances, her residency was with the best sports medicine doctor on the West Coast. She could start over, out of the shadow of her famous ex-boyfriend. The one she was still, undoubtedly, in love with.

Her heart clenched again when her mind drifted to thoughts of Mary. Sweet, angelic Mary, who has done nothing wrong except have an uncle who betrayed Abby with his actions. She wondered how big Mary was now, if she was still as sharp as she had been when she was starting school. She wished she had kept in contact, at least with her. But a clean break is what had been needed at the time.

In the weeks that followed the breakup, Abby threw herself into her schoolwork. Medical school was no joke and with wanting to forget her social life. She had converted two years into one, didn’t have a social life but it paid off. At the end of her third year, she was offered an internship with the Boston Bruins as an assistant to the team doctor. She got used to how athletes were, what could be done on ice and so forth. That line on her resume allowed her to get her residency at USC after graduation.

Her parents were sad that she was moving but they didn’t fight it. They remembered the absolutely broken look that was on their daughter’s face the night she came home. They knew about the rumors; who didn’t at this point? But she never said a word other than she broke up with him and needed to move back with them.

She shook her head, not wanting to relive that last fight, the last words spoken to him.

She finished at Harvard Medical School and graduated top of her class. Her whole family showed and her now only best friend, Mike. Mike had been there for her the entire time, never lied to her. He was the support she needed then. He was there when she went to the airport and hugged her tightly, reminding her that she could call whenever, and he would always answer. Mike was her rock.

Her mind drifted to the day she met Mike. Ironically it was the same day she met Frank.

Fifteen Years Earlier...

“So, Abby, how many classes did you get to skip?”

“Math, Science and English.”

“Wow. So, you’re a genius?”

“Not really, just smart, I guess.” Abby blushed at Frank’s attention. He was smoking hot, lean, baseball cap backwards covering his hair, blue eyes that made her feel like she was drowning.

“Yo! Adler, wait up!” Another boy walked up to Frank. “Dude, chemistry is going to suck. I got partnered with Barnes and... oh, who’s this?” Mike looked Abby up and down.

“Abby, this is Mike, my best friend. Mike, this is Abby. She’s a genius.”

“I am not a genius!” Abby shoved Frank a bit as Mike smiled at her. “I’m just really good at math and stuff.” Abby pushed another strand of her unruly hair behind her ear.

“Well, beautiful, if you can help me get through Trig I would appreciate,” Mike said. Abby was gorgeous and Mike wouldn’t mind tapping that. It wasn’t like he didn’t get enough tail from the jersey chasers, but Abby seemed different.

“We could make a study group,” Abby offered softly. “I mean I don’t know anyone here yet.”

“You a transfer?” Mike popped his gum.

“No, I’m a freshman,” she blushed furiously.

“Huh. That’s cool. Adler, we should bring her along to practice.”

“Only if she’s cool with it.” Frank smiled at Abby. “Up to you Cricket.”

“Cricket?”

“You’re quiet, like a little cricket. But peaceful.” Frank smiled adoringly at her.

Abby smiled. “I like it.”

God, that maybe turned into a yes and the three of them were inseparable for the next two years. When Frank and Mike left for college, Abby felt so alone but found a friend in Frank’s sister, Diane. She was in the same year as her but unlike Abby, Diane was a true genius. A math genius but still went to a normal school per her mother’s wishes.

Abby spent every weekend with Diane as she completed her high school requirements and her college courses. Whenever Frank and Mike came home from school, the four of them would hang out.

Abby shook her head; she didn’t want to think about what happened after Abby graduated. The memories were just too painful.

She continued to organize her office when the president of Dodger operations Nick Stanton came in. “Hey Dr. Hernandez, how are you settling in?”

“Good, Mr. Stanton, but please call me Abigail or Abby.”

“Only if you call me Nick. I know it's your first day, but we have a contract signing in an hour and I need you to meet the new player and go through the physical requirements.”

“Sure.”

Nick looked though his folders. “Shit. I forgot his file. I will have it for the meeting so just make sure you have whatever you need to complete the physical.”

“No problem Nick.”

“Oh, and Natasha is sending Mike over for the signing. I need to thank him for giving me your name. I think you will be a great fit here.”

“I’m excited. Have loved baseball since high school. My best friends were on the team.”

As she organized her shelves a knock on the door turned her head. “Hey beautiful.”

8 months earlier...

“Abby?”

Abby turned at the call of her name. “Mike?”

“It is you!” Mike hugged Abby hard in the middle of USC Medical Center.

She pulled back. “What are you doing here? Why didn’t you call me.”

“I wanted to surprise you.” He could see how much happier she was. “You look even more beautiful than before.” She blushed at the compliment. “I’m serious. California is doing wonders for you.”

“Thank you.” She leaned back into the hug. “I’ve missed you.”

“Missed you too, beautiful. Hey, let’s have dinner. Tonight?” He looked deep into her eyes and caressed her cheek.

Abby closed her eyes and leaned into the touch. It had been so long since she had felt a man’s touch. She hadn’t been with anyone since Frank. When Mike thumbed her cheek, she opened her eyes and smiled.

“Hi,” she smiled.

“Ready to do this?”

“Sure. Let me just grab my pad.” She grabbed her clipboard and headed out.

He held her hand as they walked to the conference room. “When are we going to start planning?”

“After the start of the season, I promise.” She smiled. “I’m excited. I’ve been looking at places in Boston or here. Did you know that Griffith Observatory will let you get married under the stars? That is so romantic.”

“Hmmm, we can look into it, baby.”

She smiled as they walked through the conference room door.

And into a nightmare.

“Oh good, you’re here,” Nick said as he walked over to the couple. “Frank, let me introduce you to our medical director, Abigail Hernandez and one of the members of our legal counsel, Mike Weiss.”

Abby swallowed hard as she looked Frank over. He looked the same, floppy dark brown hair, trimmed scruff on his chin, piercing blue eyes. He had more ink, from what she could tell from the opening of his shirt. His arms were filled out even more and his jeans hugged his thighs, letting her know how much he worked on his swing. Looking over him, she almost missed his hand.

“Dr. Hernandez, it's nice to see you again,” Frank said, a twinge of sadness in his voice. “Mr. Weiss.”

Abby struggled to breathe, let alone speak. “Mr. Adler.”

Nick looked between them. “You guys know each other?”

Frank smiled; it looked a little sad. “Yeah, we knew each other from school in Boston.”

“That’s great. You’ll know more people out here.” Nick was oblivious to the obvious tension in the room. “So, Dr. Hernandez, did you want to walk Frank through the physical he needs to complete.”

This snapped Abby out of her daze. “Right. So, Mr. Adler...”

He cut her off. “Frank, please.”

“Frank, right. We need to send you to our clinic for the blood draw and then have one of our associate doctors complete a physical. Umm, I haven’t had a chance to review your chart but any medical issues we should be aware about?”

Frank could see she was trying to keep it professional, and he would respect that. “Uh, I had a sprained ankle towards the end of the season but nothing else. It healed fine during the offseason.”

“Good. Ok, well once the physical is complete, we’ll send the results to management and your team for your records.” Frank nodded as she spoke. God, how much is missed her melodic voice.

Mike cleared his throat. “This is your official contract. It's been reviewed by management and your team. Have the terms been explained to you?”

“Yes.” His response was tight.

“Perfect. So, we just need you to initial at the blue flags, your signature on the red one.” Mike watched Frank, noting the tense in his jaw, the absolute murder he could see in his eyes. But Frank only looked at Mike when he was speaking to him and tossed subtle looks to Abby. Mike’s fist clenched but he could do nothing.

Once all of the signatures were completed, Frank stood with Nick and took the publicity photos, smiling through as if his life wasn’t being run through the blender again. How long had they been together? Was she happy? Did they move out here together? Frank didn’t really want to know, he just wanted to leave and get back to Mary and Scott and his comfort place. Because seeing Abby Hernandez right in front of him was doing more damage than good.

Frank shook everyone’s hands as he made his way out. Last, of course, was Abby. “How have you been Frank?”

“I’m ok. Busy but ok,” he replied, running a hand through his hair. “You?”

“Good, I’m good... I’m ok, just getting used to my new job.”

“Well congratulations.”

“Thanks. And Mary?”

“She’s good. She’s with the nanny right now. Promise to take her to the Funko store.” He looked at his watch. “I should get going.”

“Right, right.” Abby’s heart stung at the indifference Frank showed her. After 15 years, it had boiled down to this. “I’ll let Steve know about your appointments when they are booked.”

“Great. It was nice seeing you again, Cricket.” Abby froze. Frank grimaced at the slip but didn’t correct himself. He turned and walked out the door.

Abby stared at the door Frank walked out of as Mike came back from talking with Nick. “Everything ok?”

“Yeah, I just wasn’t expecting to see him again.” Abby forced a smile to Mike. “I just need to get back to my office.”

“Ok, love.” Mike kissed her temple and head out while Abby made her way to her office. She sat at her desk, looking out the window. He looked good, so good and when they shook hands, that familiar spark had been there. But it was nothing like when she heard her old nickname. A tear slid down her cheek. A knock on the door made her wipe away tears from her face and take a deep breath. She went to open it and found Steve standing there.

“Hi Steve,” she opened the door to let him in.

“I just wanted to see if we could schedule Frank’s appointments.” He took a seat in front of her desk.

“Sure, of course.” Abby opened her scheduling app for her doctors.

“It's been a long time, Abby.”

“I know. How have you been Steve?”

“Working, getting my athletes paid. How long have you been engaged?” Abby stopped. “Your ring. Frank may have not noticed but I sure did.”

Abby looked at Steve with a sad look. “He asked me a couple of months ago.”

“Congratulations are in order then. New job, new fiancé. A whole new Abby.”

“Look, Mike... he just...”

“You don’t have to justify it to me. But you should tell him. Sooner rather than later. Because he’ll need to get over the heart break again,” Steve said matter of factly.

“He did this.” Abby replied annoyed.

“You sure about that?” Steve leveled a look that had Abby questioning her attitude. He stood up. “Anyways, it was nice to see you. You can just email me that info.”

“Does he have someone else?” Abby asked not looking at Steve.

“I don’t think I should answer but no, he’s never had anyone else after you. The only woman in his life is Mary.”

Taglist:

@patzammit @slutforchrisjamalevans @firephotogrl74 @texmexdarling @jennmurawski13-writes @before-we-get-started @tinkerbelle67 @bunnyforhim

#andy's hea #andy's shenanigans #chris evans fanfiction #frank adler #frank adler au #mlb au #dodger au #ofc abigail hernandez #sliding into home #chris evans #mike weiss #johnny storm #baseball au #frank adler smut #slow burn #chris evans au #cliffhanger queen

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antisocialxconstruct · 6 months

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the aforementioned horny writing 👀 1.3k, as usual nothing explicit, mostly just me Maksim getting carried away with the guard dog metaphor

---

Ilya’s been quiet.

It’s not an uncomfortable quiet, necessarily, but Maksim is still keenly aware of the fact that it’s out of character, and not being able to read them when they’re acting out of character still puts him just a bit on edge. He sets the manhunter down on the table in front of him, freshly cleaned and tested, and glances toward the chair on his right, expecting to find them engrossed in something on their tablet–only to start when he realizes their eyes are on him.

Their attention wasn’t on his face initially–on his hands, maybe–but they must have seen the flinch because they immediately meet his eye with an apologetic smile. They’re curled up with their feet tucked away underneath them, one arm thrown over the back of the chair with their head resting against their hand, looking miles more at ease in his apartment than he ever would have anticipated the first time they stepped foot in it. There’s something particular in their gaze that he can’t quite interpret. “Sorry, I was just thinking… something kind of funny,” they muse, drumming the fingers of their free hand against the back of the tablet, which lays otherwise forgotten on their lap. “Do you remember the first thing you ever did when we met?”

Maksim stares back for a moment before glancing aimlessly toward the floor as he thinks. He remembers the night they met. If pressed he could probably recall most of that first conversation, in broad strokes at least. But Ilya is clearly fishing for something specific, and he’s never particularly liked guessing games. “What do you mean?”

“I mean you walked into the bar, and within seconds of confirming I was the person you were looking for you saved me from getting cold-cocked by the guy behind me.”

“Oh.” Maksim snorts. “The guy I didn’t know you had been intentionally provoking when I got there.”

“So you do remember.” Ilya’s jagged canines are on full display as they grin. “Then I assume you also remember that not five minutes later you told me it wasn’t your job to protect me. I’m not your muscle were your words, I think.”

Maksim blinks, holding their gaze for a moment longer before the irony properly settles over him and a laugh bubbles up from his chest. “Well…” he shrugs. “I was born with telepathy, not future sight.”

“Hmm.” Ilya doesn’t immediately add more, just pins him with the same self-satisfied grin before he pulls his attention away from them to return the manhunter to its holster. As he’s tucking the cleaning kit away into its drawer beneath the table, he hears the chair creak as Ilya unfolds themself from it, and a moment later the couch cushion beside him dips slightly with their weight as they plant themself next to him instead. “You know what I think?” they say, and the honey creeping into their tone and the fingers they comb through his hair already have his mind sputtering to a halt, leaving him woefully unprepared for what they say next. “Maybe deep down, you always knew you were going to belong to me eventually.”

Maksim’s breath leaves him somewhere between a shuddering sigh and another embarrassed chuckle. It’s so easy to forget himself, where he was, what he was doing, when Ilya talks to him like that. Maybe he did know. Maybe he’d been waiting his whole life to belong to someone. To belong to them. His head is still bowed down slightly as Ilya’s hand lingers on the back of his neck, and he reaches up to lay his own over it. They’re not applying any pressure, they’re not keeping him stooped forward like that, but the weight of the contact feels pointed, impossible to ignore, calling to mind an image of…

“Maybe I was waiting for you to collar me.”

“Oh?”

Maksim doesn’t even fully register what he said until he registers the curiosity in Ilya’s response, and the mortification that arcs through him barely has a chance to find purchase before he feels them shift, feels the warmth of their body pressed against his as they rise up to their knees, feels their other hand snake around his throat to rest just beneath his jaw, coaxing him upright and his head back. They’ve brought his face close enough to theirs that when they breathe “is that what you want?” the words ghost across his lips, and if his thoughts hadn’t turned entirely to static he might have been able to hear the smile in their voice.

His hand slides down to close loosely around their wrist and he swallows, aware of the way his throat presses against the steady pressure of their palms on either side of it. He nods.

Ilya hums appreciatively. “You want me to keep you on a leash?” Their lips graze the corner of his mouth but the contact never quite becomes a kiss. Their voice has dipped into a register that feels downright dangerous, piercing through Maksim’s skull and down his spine to set his veins crackling with electricity. He lets his eyes flutter closed and he’s drowning in it. “You go where I go, do exactly what I say, never be allowed to stray out of my sight?”

The only immediate response Maksim can offer is a soft, desperate sound in the back of his throat as his breath quickens and his hand closes tighter around their wrist. Their grip on him hasn’t changed, but the steady, gentle consistency of it is making his head swim anyway. “I just want to know my place,” he breathes.

Ilya tsks softly, shifting their hand only enough to trace their thumb along the curve of his jaw. “Look at you,” they say, and he opens his eyes again to meet their gaze, bright and hungry as they take him in. What must they be seeing when they look at him, pliant and submissive in their hands, begging to be trained. Begging to be owned. “I think you already know your place, don’t you?”

He nods again, eager.

“Tell me.” Echoes of another conversation in another place, their roles reversed even as this, whatever this is, was just beginning to take shape.

“Here,” the answer tumbles from his lips without him even having to think about it. “Right here, right at your feet.”

There’s a momentary pause as Ilya searches his expression, their own shifting slightly but remaining unreadable as they tilt their head in consideration. Then they say, “no.” It’s gentle, without a hint of edge or genuine dissatisfaction, but it still jars Maksim back up to the surface of the reverie they’ve plunged him into. He shrinks into himself just a little, shoulders tense and grip on Ilya’s wrist slackening like he’s not sure that’s allowed anymore. He wasn’t ready to hear no. “That’s not where I’d expect a good dog to walk,” Ilya presses on, with a smile that’s tilting back toward playful now as they ease back onto their heels, forfeit that domineering little height advantage they had given themself. Their hands remain, but as they knit their fingers together over the back of Maksim’s neck it feels more like being held, less like restraint. “When I say heel, where do you stand?”

Maksim opens his mouth to offer a response, but it takes him a second to work past the mental image of Ilya commanding him to heel. Still, he thinks he understands. “At… at your side.”

Ilya beams. “That’s right,” they purr, and the momentary tension bleeds back out of Maksim. They lean in, let him wrap an arm around their waist, let their weight settle more firmly against him as they catch his lip between their teeth for just a second before finally gracing him with the kiss they’ve been teasing for much too long. “You’ll be exactly where I want you.”

#'nothing explicit' bc they're both ace but like... you know how it is. nothing chaste about it #ghost city #rom fiction #maksim girard #ilya kasharin #maksim literally like 'I want to be your dog- 😳 who said that' and then Ilya's just 👍👍👍#joke's on him they can just use this to subtly train him into learning some self respect

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faithinlouisfuture · 2 years

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I started to type all of this on the night of my show but literally passed out in the middle, cuz I had been up for 23 hours at that point! Today was my flight back home. It feels surreal that I saw him just day before yesterday (yesterday for me if you account for all the time zone differences) and now I’m back in my bed thousands of miles away 😭 Literally feels like a fever dream! To get to the point though (and you know this is about to get insanely long cuz who am I if not a rambler?)

First and foremost HE IS NEVER EVER BEATING THE SUN ALLEGATIONS!!! I had been in Istanbul for a week before the show day, and the weather had been cool and cloudy and it had even rained on and off, come concert day the SUN came out in full force!!! It was the sunniest it had been all week! He literally just carries the sunshine with him 😭

About the show itself; OMG!!! I have watched every single livestream from Dallas to Mexico City n3 but nothing could have prepared me for Louis in real life. Seeing him with my own two eyes makes him even more unreal if that’s possible. He’s literally impossibly beautiful. He radiates. He’s everything! HIS VOICE. It’s so pretty 😭 it’s wind chimes on a sea side resort, it’s hummingbirds in a serene jungle, it’s gritty when it needs to be and soft when it needs to be and I just… I’m speechless but I also want to write multiple essays on the topic! If only I was eloquent enough! Livestreams truly cannot capture the real quality of it, even though he sounds so beautiful on those too, but in person it’s just, there’s this quality to it, like dripping honey and so effortlessly cool.

God he was so happy and babie!!! Ngl I was hoping I’d get a slutty Louis show but OMG he was so so so happy and babie and cheeky! And he looked so good I can’t even explain. I absolutely loved the top he wore for the show! 😍 he had the most beautiful wispy hair situation going on, his skin looked so unreal and beautiful, his tattoos in real life 😭😭😭 His bone structure!!! How is that even possible?!? The royal peach?!? EXCUSE ME SIR! With that waist, and the way he holds himself! And moves his delicate hands and pops that hip sometimes. His smile!!! It lit up the entire place!!! HIS EYES!!! like they literally sparkle like actual gems 😭 I just could go on and on and on times infinity!

It took me about 4 songs to notice that Matt wasn’t even there cuz I couldn’t peel my eyes away from Louis. (I may have peeled them away for a few seconds to oggle at Michael though - GOOD GOD. That man is hot! I have some Michael content to post too!)

And I know that so many people have already mentioned this fact before but omg his stage presence. He owns the entire space. There were tens of thousands of people there, and the crowd was insanely rowdy but the second he hits that stage - he commands every iota of your attention. The way he prowls the entire stage, at times bunny hopping, and makes sure to go to every corner, and interact with every section! Mr. Pointy Fingers as always, pointing at signs, flipping people off, being his cheeky adorable self! It was an EXPERIENCE™ seeing it all live 😭 I will never forget, I want it all tattooed on the inside of eyelids! And I truly hope that every single louie gets to experience it for themselves!

Seems like he’s gonna stick to the San Juan set list for the Asian leg. (I tried to include my track by track rambling on the show in this post but tumblr said I dont think so cuz apparently I exceeded the word limit allowed for one post 🫣 so I guess I’ll make a separate post for that even if just for myself. Cuz I want to remember it all)!

TRULY AN EXPERIENCE OF A LIFETIME. And I’m so glad that I got to share it with other solos 🤍 So glad to have met both of you in person Max & Vee! @fearlesspuff @sunshinebinx and so so thankful to have had you there throughout the waiting line torture and the gate entrance madness and then the after show freaking out! Hope we can attend future Louis concerts together some day too! x

#ltwt22: istanbul #louies at ltwt22 #this time it’s me #I’m louies 😭😭😭#how did I ever get so lucky?!?#ltwt22 #MY SHOW #ltwt22: Louis x Emmy #louis tomlinson

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mesillusionssousecstasy · 6 months

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Sky Rojo : Quotes

"- This is what happens with her. You don't know if she's smart, very smart, or just delightfully brilliant." (Romeo - 1x08)

"- The best and worst thing about drugs is the total break from reality. What you see, feel, or enjoy is all in your damn head." (Coral - 2x01)

"- He was a textbook case of a kid from a dysfunctional family. Moisés never set boundaries for him. That's why he couldn't even tell where the joke ended and the drama began." (Narrator - 2x03)

"- That's what Romeo does. That's his power. He makes you think you owe him your life when really, he's wrecking it." (Narrator - 2x07)

"- And I'm not interested in sex, but with you I am. We'd make such a great couple. But you're such a disgusting bastard that I loathe you. Almost as much as I loathe myself. You're the deepest darkness I've ever met in my life. You're such a disgusting bastard. You have no idea how much I loathe you. It's the second time you've let me live instead of die. (Coral) - You're dead right about almost everything. I shouldn't have gotten you out of that hole. We're toxic for each other. And I'm a bastard. But you know what? I was happy being a ruthless bastard. Until I started listening to you. That was when all my problems started. Your fucking questions. Your fucking moral conscience. But that's over now." (Moisés - 2x08)

"- Sometimes getting out of a toxic relationship is impossible. Even when you know it'll cost you your life, you're so hooked that there's nothing you can do. But that day, I did it." (Narrator - 2x08)

"- That night, watching her take drugs in secret and dance alone in the middle of an empty room, I realized her life was no party. And I saw myself in her decline. We were united by a miserable life we couldn't escape. So I guess we were the two big losers. Face to face, separated by a screen. And then, along with my unstoppable desire to kill her, I felt an immense fondness towards her." (Moisés' voice-over - 3x03)

"- But what I thought was a death rattle was an anxiety attack. How could I save Coral when I was plunging into the abyss, with an anchor around my neck? Neither of us could save the other. We were two lost causes, united by despair and ice hockey." (Moisés' voice-over - 3x07)

"- Have you ever wished you were dead? If so, you'll know you can't leave it for later. Waiting to die is the biggest pain in the ass. I didn't have time for inhaling carbon monoxide all morning, for a slow death. I needed something sudden." (Moisés' voice-over - 3x07)

"- Breathe, you asshole. You're supposed to look after me. Are you alive? (Coral) - Yes." (Moisés - 3x08)

"- Remember when you said you had nothing to be proud of? This is our chance to have something." (Coral - 3x08)

"- When you're alive, you don't think you'll end up in hell, do you?" (Wendy - 3x08)

"- Has he spoken to you, girls? I told you this wasn't about forgiveness. It's life or death." (Moisés - 3x08)

"- Truth is, if feels weird saying goodbye to you. (Coral) - We still have a chance. If you forgive me. You, sober. And me, I'm going to do things right. I really am. I'm going to be a good man. (Moisés) - What you did is unforgivable. I can't forget who you are. (Coral) - What a bummer, right? (Moisés) - Truth is, I think about my future and doubt anyone will understand me. I don't think anyone could understand the hell I've been through. But you can. You can. You come from the gutter of life too. (Coral) - We were dealt a bad hand. (Moisés) - As much as it pains me, that unites us. (Coral) - To tell you the truth, I also think you're the only woman who could understand me. (Moisés) - You see? We're both pathetic. (Coral) - I'm going to see if there actually is a new life out there. If not, I'll find another pool. (Moisés) - Good luck! (Coral) - You too, Coral." (Moisés - 3x08)

#sky rojo #netflix #netflix series #netflix shoe #coral x moises #coral x moisés #coral y moises #sky rojo quotes #cía #skyrojo

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dancedance-resolution · 10 months

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ex catholic thoughts and feelings that i need to get out of my brain (read at your own risk lol)

now that i’m taking some really big steps in my life with leaving my catholic life behind me etc. i’m realizing that i think it might be really healing for me to Tell Someone In My Old Catholic World what happened. i had a dream two nights ago about telling a beloved english teacher from my catholic life one of the things that happened. when i was working with someone from my old catholic life shortly post my final departure, i felt the urge to tell her. she knew some of the story and it was like my brain wanted to tell her the rest. and now i have my most beloved english teacher from Middle School that i still keep in touch with lol, i usually text her once every summer and we meet up for lunch but i didn’t text her this summer yet. i think i’ll text her when i start community college again since that’s like. A Proper Reason. idk i know it’s a dumb fear but i’m feeling a bit self conscious i guess that i want to contact her for no good reason other than it’s summertime and i love her and wanted to check in with her. but anyways. i monologued telling her what happened while driving to and from work today. she’s the most logical of persons to tell. but i don’t want to put that on her you know. anyways lastly a person from my old catholic life apparently is a client at my new job lol and we got to talking after not seeing each other for 3ish years and she asked me about career goals and college etc and i mentioned that i’m really attracted to the idea of working in a library once i have college under my belt and she was like oh! [my old church] is hiring an intern for their archive/library! you should inquire! and in my brain i felt optimistic for like 0.6 seconds where i was like. oh. i have an in on a possibly cool opportunity bc i’m literally obsessed with catholicism and want work experience in library settings…. then the reality hits of LOL no you can’t go back there. and you don’t want to go back there anyways. and i felt so so tempted to joke to her. well i don’t think id be welcome there haha. but i didn’t ofc bc it’s work and also why would i you know. we weren’t even close in my old life.

i’m afraid of forgetting everything too, in a way. there are a lot of parts that i don’t forget per se but don’t think of until something reminds me of them and it’s like oh, i’m glad my brain told me about this again bc it like. validates how hard that time was for me. bc (i know this is a bad thought bc i’d never tell this to a friend so why would i tell it to myself but) i feel like. lol bitch why are you so broken over just x. and then it’s like oh wait no remember y and z. they’re part of what hurt you too. and it’s like ah okay i have permission to have more mercy with myself

i’ve been really missing my ex still too ofc. i want to tell my one old teacher about her even though i don’t know what i’d say. i feel the urge to talk to her about how even though i’m not catholic anymore, i feel like my catholic-ness is such a huge part of me that will be with me forever, for better and for worse, and one way that manifested for me is that it made me so happy that my ex had a catholic family. like i was going to go to a knights of columbus softball event with them (we broke up before then but yeah) and. even though i can’t show my face around at least 2 of the knights who would probably be there, i still wanted to experience it with her and her family. i loved her catholic family. i loved her as an individual way way way more lol but the fact that i loved her family too made it hurt worse bc it’s like. this is a person who i could so so so fucking easily see myself having a future with. i love her and her family and i love how she gets along with my family, and i want that. but yeah

so i feel the urge to talk to my old teacher about that for no particularly good reason other than maybe she’d understand the catholic part of it. the thing is she’s still a practicing catholic lol so i don’t want to insult her or anything. she’s definitely not like super catholic to the extent that i know if i tell her i’m not catholic anymore, she won’t make any earnest attempt to convert me back to it other than maybe a stray comment about praying for me.

i think another interesting level to my desire to tell her about it is that, of course, she was my hugest crush ever until my ex herself lol. i don’t have a point related to that it just makes me laugh that my brain wants that lol.

anyways i think telling her could be healing maybe, but also she’s decently far removed from my old catholic life which is why i feel safe possibly telling her. part of me is worried i won’t feel “satisfied” until i can write a long form letter to someone like sister maria martinez. she cared about me deeply and i trust her more than i trust sister mary madeline regarding this particular subject lol. and i know nothing bad could come of me sending a letter to sister other than Her Responding lol 😅 which terrifies me lol but idk

i won’t send her a letter though bc if she didn’t respond i don’t think id feel better, and if she did respond i think id feel worse lol 😂. at least with my old teacher i feel like she might tell me “that was bad. i’m sorry that happened.” whereas sister might respond “i’m sorry it affected you negatively” rather than saying the actions taken themselves were bad. sister could surprise me though. and sister could make a difference - she still works for the church unlike my old teacher and maybe telling her my story would make her hesitate before doing some of the things that affected me so negatively (bc i wouldn’t be surprised if the one incident with kayla had her fingerprints on it lol) (though i cant remember it in perfect detail like i used to, which makes me feel weird about telling her about it bc i don’t want to misrepresent what happened). (also makes me feel weird that i’m losing the memory in general lol)

og dance dance resolution fans who were with me back when i was either procrastinating squirrel or george foreman grill (i forget which one i was when i did this) will remember a cazzie fic i posted and have since deleted about one of the first of my really influential bad catholic experiences lol. i remember even back then feeling the same thing of like i need to document everything that’s happened bc i need to remember it. i wonder if it was a control thing. “if i remember it exactly as it happened then i can never let another person tell me it didn’t happen how i know it did or wasn’t as bad as i know it was.” or my general anxiety around not knowing things lol; if i know it then it can’t surprise me and hurt me all over again. (LOL).

i want to talk to my old teacher about gender too even though i know that’s something that’s way too un catholic even for her lol. i want to express to her, maybe, how i’m only now feeling comfortable exploring femininity bc it used to be forced on me. i was so masc presenting when she knew me bc i felt the need to rebel against that femininity forced upon me, i think. and when i left my catholic life i finally had a break from having to be feminine and having to be it in their way. and then after like a long while of letting myself be as androgynous and genderless as my little heart desired lol, i finally felt able to do things like dress up for the paramore concert and now painting the nails on my left hand. and i want to tell her about how my relationship with my ex opened my eyes to so much gender stuff. how i used to feel like i had to be more masc than my partner - honestly probably related to some of the trauma that teacher herself witnessed first hand lol - but how falling so hard for my ex made me feel safe in being perceived as “the girl” in the relationship. comfortable with that and not having it in my head in a warped way that if i’m too girl and dating a dyke who’s “basically a man” then all of the struggle i’ve been through with the homosexuality thing is invalidated.

that feels less crucial though. like i want to share it with her but i don’t need to. whereas the other stuff it’s like. if i don’t tell her i probably have to tell sister maria rip 😂🫨.

i feel icky thinking about taking the time to write a letter to sister that i’d never send, even though it would also help me with my brain fear of forgetting things. why would i choose to spend that time making myself feel like shit lol. but if i already feel off due to heartstopper s2 triggering some of these feelings in me then maybe i should address it etc etc.

another option is to text the teacher tmrw. i know her county goes back in 10 (or less???) days now so if i want to meet with her for lunch like we’ve done the past few years, i should text her sooner than when i start school.

i would be like. greeting. A client at work told me that Frederick county school teachers are going back on the 14th this year (!!), so I wanted to say hi before school started for you :) I’m starting community college over again starting on the 26th haha! and then continue from there.

and then maybe if we are able to schedule lunch, i’d write out a script for telling her. and if writing it felt right, then i’d tell her. if not then i won’t.

i should probably talk to my fucking therapist about this lol. i see her again on tuesday. i feel a bit unsure about asking her about it though bc i’ve only had 3 or 4 sessions with her so far and we haven’t even started talking about the catholic stuff other than me giving a half sentence summary in my intake paperwork (and in the second half of the sentence saying i felt pretty at peace with it and didn’t feel the need to work on it more 😂). so i feel like it might be A Lot to fill her in on everything that happened quickly enough that i can also be like “and now i want to telll this teacher oh also here’s my super long and complicated back story with her too lol” LOL idk

im just shocked in a way that heartstopper made me feel this intense 😂😂😂😂😂😂. i see all these posts about like “this show is healing, it’s free therapy, this show is a comfort show” and it’s like LOL if this show is this triggering for me then maybe. perhaps perchance. i have some shit to work through 😂

i feel like if i do decide to tell my teacher about some of my catholic stuff, i’ll need to tell her that i am before doing it. like maybe start the conversation in person like. (ASSUMING WE’RE ABLE TO GET LUNCH AT ALL). so i obviously am mainly here to see you and catch up haha but i must admit i also have an ulterior motive of sorts. now that im going back to school i’ve been re-dealing with a lot of stuff from my old catholic life and i’ve been feeling the need for a while now to Tell Someone who will understand the catholic side of it if that makes sense? /// the only issue with that plan is then how do i transition to actually telling her stuff lol. what all do i want to tell and what do i not need to say. and also i think i risk limiting our conversation to catholic homosexuality stuff if i start off like that and i also just want to generally catch up with her.

hmm it would almost be useful if i knew i would cry bc i could. come out to her (oh also she doesn’t formally know i’m a homosexual lol 😂 but like she was my teacher and in middle school the whole class loooved calling me a dyke so she’s at least familiar with the concept of me being a homosexual. and also im not worried that she’ll react poorly. i trust her. like she would attend a homosexual wedding i think. ) ANYWAYS like if i could find some way to naturally integrate into the conversation like. i experienced my first real heart break i think. “oh i’m sorry tell me more” well. i don’t know if you’ve like already implied or assumed or whatever but i am a lesbian. [and then i start crying] and then bc i’m crying i can be like sorry i didn’t expect to get emotional about telling you it just feels. weird to have someone from my catholic life who i am choosing to tell. and then expand that into how i was outed etc. BUT ALSO. maybe i would actually cry at the idea of being able to choose to tell someone from my catholic life for the first time but even her i’m sure she already implies SIGH lol.

maybe that’s an angle that doesn’t require me to cry though. if i tell her and then like take a deep breath like. you know you’re the first person from my catholic life who i’ve Chosen to tell. and then go into how it feels weird you know. to even make a deal out of coming out anymore bc it’s 2023 and we’re in md and everyone’s gay nowadays lol it’s not a big deal. and she already mostly knew!!!! so it feels weird for this to feel momentous about choosing to tell you. but i guess it is sort of bc it’s like. not only are you the first person from my catholic life who i’ve trusted enough to be able to tell AND be in a place where i’m able to tell you but also. for most of the ppl from my catholic life i didn’t have a choice. (and then lead into the outing and then that has its own segways to the other stuff i need to tell someone)

ofc that all presupposes that the conversation and her reactions and my own emotions at the time go how i expect them to. i can only script so much you know lol.

i think i’m going to text her tmrw though. whether or not it leads to me telling her stuff, i want to see her again soon.

okay that’s all i have for today lol

#for my reference #personal

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nicoism · 2 years

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OMORI spoilers!!

TW// suicide, depression, dissociation, anxiety (+more added as I write)

Updated as I continue playing!!

I started playing omori and I want to record some of my thoughts. I already know the plot however this is the first time I'm actually playing it.

As of far there is a sense of familiarity as a person who also suffers from past trauma.

Certain aspects such as the flowers stook out to me, one of that being Mari.

"These flowers are called lily of the valley. It's said that. They're able to ward off evil spirits and help people see a brighter future... I guess that's why they remind me of MARI."

- Basil

Mari, to Sunny was his protector, in game she often plays on the side lines in head space as the older sister and protector of Sunny. She has food to restore the teams health and the save file basket in order for them to countinued from where they left pre toast.

In head space she is an idealized version then who she actually is, she plays a character in order for Sunny to use as an escapism mechanism in order to dissociate with the reality of things. He hides away her flaws and imperfections and keeps her in a one dimensional facet to suit his needs, just as he dose with all the other characters in the game. He is emotionally stunted and is unable to take care of himself without depending on others.

When I got out of bed, something about the sticky notes around the house were bewildering familiar to me.

Sunny's mother post multiple sticky notes around the house as reminders to brush his teeth, pack, do the dishes, remember to look both ways when crossing the street, and etc. Constant tiny irking details that fairly any 16 year old should be capable of handling. However when a person who suffers from depression and suicidality, it's hard for one to get out of bed, brush their teeth, take a shower, and do the basic human needs. You can't function and you feel you don't deserve too. Everything is tiresome and a lot harder to do, even anxious.

Not only that but there's also the knowledge of Mari's passing and a constant fear of Sunny's mental state with his ongoing depression and refusal to progress, whether he wanted to or not, on Sunny's mother behalf and leaving Sunny alone in the house is a big responsibility for him.

When I was watching a playthrough there was one thing I didn't get even after I found out the truth.

Why were the staircases so long?

After you wake up, in your second attempt to go to the kitchen after the first time making you dizzy, the stairs are very long and seem never ending. I didn't understand Sunny's refusal spite myself doing similar actions in the past. It's that feeling of familiarity and just "oh fuck I need to get out of here it's happening again." The instance as your mind is screaming to run for your own safety and your overthinking everything, though now I don't even notice I'm anxious because of dissociation (need to get that checked), it's the long walk down realizing to your horror what you've done. It feels almost forever and your stuck there and it all slows down. The instinct to run at something coming at you is something fairly familiar to me as someone who suffers from anxiety.

Just realized pinwheel forest, east of the stump which represents the tree where Basil and Sunny hung Mari in, later cut down in the real world, are a representation of Mari that of which where Aubrey puts a pinwheel on the stump after your reconcile with her in the real world. They are scattered through our head space in the vast forest. I don't recall exactly what they represent however...

June 25, 2022

A reoccurring thing in the game is that the characters will forget that their looking for Basil throughout it. The player, Sunny, has a separate goal then Omori when looking for Basil. The major theme of the game is overcoming trauma and trying to move on, Omori has implemented a coping mechanism, or is it, that has Sunny distracted from these feelings causing dissociation and a constant lack of self care as I talked about earlier yesterday when covering Sunny's mental state alongside his mother's concerns.

The goal of Omori is to destroy Basil because Sunny is seeking out the truth, while Omori is trying to hide it and distract him with head space and even in reality, to the point Sunny isn't able to decipher the difference between reality and head space.

As someone whose dissociation has gotten to a concerning point of needing health prevention, so has Sunny's. What once was a coping mechanism for escapism that was his minds way of protecting him has becoming that of harming him indirectly.

Another thing to add on is that Basils flower, sunflowers, start dying, I'm guessing more of them will die as the days go on. I think Omori is trying to make Sunny forget Basil entirely since he is a Trigger to those events. My best guess is that this hadn't been occuring till they started moving and Sunny was alone in his own head entirely.

This is a bit of a side note and just a thought but around the time Basil goes missing Aubrey appears to try and replace him as the love interest. We know Sunny has a crush on Aubrey at a young age I just find it funny how he only places said feelings when Basil is somehow involved. Basil was the one to first notice Sunny had a crush on her notably. This is just a tiny theory nothing big. I think a large fan misinterpretation is that Sunny hates Basil, confusing him up with Omori who is not Sunny but rather his protector, Basil became something to Sunny that triggered all sorts of emotions thus needed him gone. Why he was kept around to begin with I think it's as I stated but again it's just a theory.

Ok a lot happened. We got back Basil's photo album when Aubrey threw it out in the trash, I want to do a whole post about her character because I really love it, and we went over to give it to him. A lot progressed since then when staying to have dinner with him.

After rummaging through the house, when I entered Basil's grandmother's room, there was a flower beside her, that being a white Orchid.

Now this can mean many things. That of which of death, Basil's grandmother is dying right next to it, and how the flower resembles it in game.

It is a call back to Basil at large in many ways but also Mari. Basil throughout this time desperately needs Sunny. He wants him to save him from "something", like he's his knight in shining armor. And this is presented in headspace. At this moment Basil needs Sunny the most because his mental state is getting worse and worse as presented by Polly.

This also calls back to Mari. In the library in headspace, alongside many upcoming scenes I'll get too at some point, you can see Mari walking down the stairs for a second before disappearing when you get close. Alongside the library is filled with white orchids.

This is where there are books which cover past hidden memories which were most likely hidden by Omori, something that Mari talks about before you enter Sweethearts castle which could be her way alongside Basil pushing him to find the truth. This is further evident where she mentions that the shadows, Basil's other half which Omori hid, told her.

There's another thing I wanted to talk about in relation to the Orchid which could mean nothing but it reminded me of an angel and I immediately thought back to the Halloween official art featuring Basil as an Angel, alongside that his flower crown can be interpreted as a halo.

There's even a light on it during the Orchids appearance.

I don't necessarily know what this is suppose to resemble except that it's a semblance to life and death. What it means? I don't know.

When I reached Sweethearts castle, that theory I had about Aubrey replacing Basil's place, that of which she didn't show interest in Omori till she left got stronger here. She quite literally mentions wanting him to protect her, something Basil also says.

Besides the Sunflower stuff, it's really interesting on how Aubrey's character is reflected in headspace. She is a one dimensional character just all the other characters are, and as I brought up with Mari. An idealized version without any conflict on Sunny. A comfortable idea compared to the uncomfortable, something that Omori will block out.

Not only that but it's completely untrue to who she actually is. I'm not saying Aubrey is this one way view of just a "mean girl" because she's not. People separate her and try to put her in a box, either as an Angel or as someone that'll beat you up and get no where in life. She's a multifaceted character suffering from the trauma of losing someone who was like a sister/mother figure to her. The only older person she could rely on in her life.

Losing that was a lot for her alongside that all her friends just were falling apart and handling their grief all differently. She didn't have anyone and that made her angry. She didn't have a proper support system.

Aubrey has a lot of compassion and emotions and deeply cares for those around her then what she lets on. She never changed to begin with, we just never really saw her till we entered reality breaking her head space version facade.

I'd talked a bit about the spider fear and it's relation to Mari on Twitter before however after playing the game and overcoming the spider fear alongside entering the library, it pieces a more complete idea of the fear. I'll just link it here: https://twitter.com/kenkenkris/status/1402117284232114181?t=Dq_JXedLrYm3oUGJM9KJ0g&s=19

(I'm going to have to rt so I can add more photos smh)

June 26, 2022

#omori #omori spoilers #analysis #sunflower #sunflower omori

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shesey · 2 years

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Excerpts from The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath

I wasn’t steering anything, not even myself. I just bumped from my hotel to work and to parties and from parties to my hotel and back to work like a numb trolley-bus. I guess I should have been excited the way most of the other girls were, but I couldn’t get myself to react. I felt very still and very empty, the way the eye of a tornado must feel, moving dully along in the middle of the surrounding hullabaloo. Everything she said was like a secret voice speaking straight of my own bones. There is something demoralizing about watching two people get more and more crazy about each other, especially when you are the only extra person in the room. It’s like watching Paris from an express caboose heading in the opposite direction -- every second the city gets smaller and smaller, only you feel it’s really you getting smaller and smaller and lonelier and lonelier, rushing away from all those lights and that excitement at about a million miles an hour. I’m not sure why it is, but I love food more than just about anything else. The floor seemed wonderfully solid. It was comforting to know I had fallen and could fall no farther. I reckon a good poem lasts a whole lot longer than a hundred of those people put together. People were made of nothing so much as dust, and I couldn’t see that doctoring all that dust was a bit better than writing poems people would remember and repeat to themselves when they were unhappy or sick and couldn’t sleep. You oughtn’t to see this. You’ll never want to have a baby if you do. They oughtn’t let women watch. It’ll be the end of the human race. I thought it sounded just like the sort of drug a man would invent. Here was a woman in terrible pain, obviously feeling every bit of it or she wouldn’t groan like that, and she would go straight home and start another baby, because the drug would make her forget how bad the pain had been, when all the time, in some secret part of her, that long, blind, doorless and windowless corridor of pain was waiting to open up and shut her in again. I think Buddy could have been a teacher as well, he was always trying to explain things to me and introduce me to new knowledge. He was always saying how his mother said, What a man wants is a mate and what a woman wants is infinite security, and What a man is is an arrow into the future and what a woman is is the place the arrow shoots off from, until it made me tired. He was very proud of his perfect health and was always telling me it was psychosomatic when my sinuses blocked up and I couldn’t breathe. I thought this is an odd attitude for a doctor to have and perhaps he should study to be a psychiatrist instead, but of course I never came right out and said so. I thought how strange it had never occurred to me before that I was only purely happy until I was 9 years old. After that - in spite of the Girl Scouts and the piano lessons and the water-color lessons and the dancing lessons and the sailing camp, all of which my mother scrimped to give me, and college, with crewing in the mist before breakfast and black-bottom pies and the little new firecrackers of ideas going off every day - I had never really been happy again. The trouble was, I hated the idea of serving men in any way. I felt like a racehorse in a world without race-tracks or a champion college footballer suddenly confronted by Wall Street and a business suit, his days of glory shrunk to a little gold cup on his mantel with a date engraved on it like the date on a tombstone. I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig-tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and off-beat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn’t quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig-tree, starving to death, just because I couldn’t make up my mind which of the figs i would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet. A million years of evolution, Eric said bitterly, and what are? Animals. There were no people I knew he would want to brag to about it, the way college boys bragged about sleeping with girls in the back of cars to their roommates or their friends on the basketball team. Now the one thing this article didn’t seem to me to consider was how a girl felt. I couldn’t stand the idea of a woman having to have a single pure life and a man being able to have a double life, one pure and one not. That’s one of the reasons I never wanted to get married. The last thing I wanted was infinite security and to be the place an arrow shoots off from. I wanted change and excitement and to shoot off in all directions myself, like the coloured arrows from a Fourth of July rocket. I tried to imagine what it would be like if Constantin were my husband. It would mean getting up and 7 and cooking him eggs and bacon and toast and coffee and dawdling about in my nightgown and curlers after he’d left for work to wash up the dirty plates and make the bed, and then when he came home after a lively, fascinating day he’d expect a big dinner, and I’d spend the evening washing up even more dirty plates til I fell into bed, utterly exhausted. This seemed a dreary and wasted life for a girl with fifteen years of straight A’s, but I knew that’s what marriage was like, because cook and clean and wash was just what Buddy Willard’s mother did from morning til night, and she was the wife of a university professor and had been a private school teacher herself. And I knew that in spite of all the roses and kisses and restaurant dinners a man showered on a woman before he married her, what he secretly wanted when the wedding service ended was for her to flatten out underneath his feet like Mrs Willard’s kitchen mat. I also remembered Buddy Willard saying in a sinister, knowing way that after I had children I would feel differently, I wouldn’t want to write poems any more. So I began to think maybe it was true that when you were married and had children it was like being brainwashed, and afterwards you went about numb as a slave in some private, totalitarian state. How would you like to be Mrs Buddy Willard? I had an awful impulse to laugh. Well, you were right, I am neurotic. I could never settle down in either the country or the city. If neurotic is wanting two mutually exclusive things at one and the same time, then I’m neurotic as hell. If you love her, you’ll love somebody else someday. A feeling of tenderness filled my heart. My heroine would be myself, only in disguise. I leaned back and read what I had written. It seemed lively enough, and I was quite proud of the bit about the drops of sweat like insects, only I had the dim impressions I’d probably read it somewhere else a long time ago. I wondered, if I’d been my old self, if I would have liked him. It was impossible to tell. I would rather have anything wrong with my body than anything wrong with my head. I knew I should be grateful to Mrs Guinea, only I couldn’t feel a thing. If Mrs Guinea had given me a ticket to Europe, or a round-the-world cruise, it wouldn’t have made one scrap of difference to me, because wherever I sat - on the deck of a ship or at a street cafe in Paris or Bangkok - I would be sitting under the same glass bell jar, stewing in my own sour air. If I was going to fall, I would hang on to my small comforts, at least, as long as I possibly could. I don’t see what women see in other women, what does a woman see in a woman that she can’t see in a man? Doctor Nolan paused. Then she said, tenderness. That shut me up. What I hate is the thought of being under a man’s thumb. A man doesn’t have a worry in the world, while I’ve got a baby hanging over my head like a big stick, to keep me in line. Would you act differently if you didn’t have to worry about a baby? How easy having babies seemed to the women around me! Why was I so unmaternal and apart? Why couldn’t I dream of devoting myself to a baby after fat puling baby like Dodo Conway? If I had to wait on a baby all day, I would go mad.

#the bell jar #sylvia plath #feminist quotes #feminist books

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