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smoochkooks · 4 years

Text

—the (un)holy cock-up (m.)

⟶ pairing: park jimin/reader

⟶ genre: smut, angst

⟶ word count: 14.5k

⟶ warnings: explicit sexual content, oral sex (m receiving), dirty talk, profanity, unnecessary amount of biblical puns, some critic on catholic church, this is a heavy read be aware

⟶ summary: there is a quite long list of circumstances, with student loan and rent on the very top of it, that led you to work in the sunday’s spirit editorial department, a newspaper overally known among fellow catholic community of busan, with park jimin as your boss.

when your small cock-up goes unnoticeably out of your hand, you find yourself in a situation painted in all shades of wrong.

or, alternatively: when it’s forbidden, it tastes bittersweet.

a/n: please, before you read this: take the warnings seriously. this is not a light read, it touches some heavy and quite controversial topics. tit also involves a scene where a person in charge exhibits inappropriate behavior towards their subordinate which I do not condone, however it’s all done with consent.

ps. im really proud of this work so give me some love please:(

Fingertips typing furiously on the keyboards, sights focused on the computers’ screens, brows furrowed, minds utterly concentrated and all of this accompanied by angelic voices of various religious songs playing in the background.

This is how a typical day at Sunday’s Spirit editorial department goes by.

The newspaper is a local source of information for the catholic community not only in the city of Busan, but in the whole country. Its history starts in 70s, when Park Min-Sung with his wife started publishing the very first version of the Sunday’s Spirit, selling copies in front of churches. Young activists definitely hadn’t anticipated such a big success, especially due to hard times of the military dictatorship in Korea, but two decades later they have become one of the most affluent families in Busan. The newspaper remains the Park’s legacy till these days, being owned by Min-Sung’s son, with the original founder’s grandson Jimin as an editor-in-chief.

Sometimes you ponder how did you end up in this kind of situation. Sitting at your desk with eyes glued to the screen, working for the catholic newspaper with Mary did you know and other holy songs playing from the Spotify’s Blessed Hits playlist.

First of all, you aren’t quite a Jesus stan yourself. Not a regular churchgoer, Bible reader or a person who lives according to God’s will with Ten Commandments written on your heart and soul.

Someone may wonder, what a young, aspiring journalist like you is doing here? Yes, that’s right.

Money is the reason.

The perspectives of wealthy life as a presenter in the national television or a host in the radio were just a mirage, because after receiving your master degree in journalism you realised that, unfortunately, a bright future was bright only in your unreal dreams.

The case was simple. You needed money. Your bank account was literally screaming at you to get your shit together and figure something out before you end up under the bridge. So you started searching for a job, looking over various offers on the Internet for two weeks straight. A waitress? Nah, too clumsy for that. Jewelry seller? Definitely not, since you are a happy owner of a few pairs of earrings from etsy-like online shop that certainly have nothing to do with real gold. You were almost convinced you’re destined to be a sexworker but then you stumbled upon an offer from the Sunday’s Spirit.

It was your chance. A God himself decided to take pity on you.

In that exact moment the genre of the newspaper wasn’t important. The vision of bankruptcy was enough for you to wear knee-length black skirt, white button-up shirt and a pair of high heels you’ve never worn before and go on a job interview with plastered smile on your face, looking delightful like you have just given birth to Jesus Christ in Bethlehem.

All the Hollywood actresses could be put into shame after your Oscar-winning performance you acted out on the interview in front of middle-aged woman in checked jacket that no one wears since 90s. Your enthusiasm and assurance you live good, catholic woman’s life, along with your master degree and motivational letter (you added a quote from The Letter to Philipians at the end of it to spice it up) was enough to be accepted for the position of Ask and you shall find column creator.

The job itself wasn’t complex or tough. The newspaper on its online site has a page where people can create an account and send asks to the author of the column who responds to them. You did something wrong and you aren’t sure it should be considered a sin? Having problems with regular praying on mornings and evenings? Write to us and we will solemnly help you with the God’s blessing, it says.

This is basically how it works. Each week, the said journalist chooses the most interesting questions and answers to make an article to the Sunday’s Spirit’s next publication. Of course, you can’t answer those questions the way you would like. You must do it according to the catholic laws and God’s plan (the True God’s plan, not Drake’s). A woman who interviewed you even gave you a notebook full of already made-up responses and a list of things you definetely mustn’t write if you still want to be employed.

To be completely frank, you don’t hate your job that much. You actually feel kind of nice, helping other people with their problems. You’ve been doing this for six months now and during this period of time you got used to some things.

A ‘Jesus, I trust you’ framed picture you swore your mother gave you on your 16th birthday standing on your desk. Holy beats blasting through the speakers until you leave the office at 5pm. A big-ass cross hanging right in front of the entrance to the editorial. Lee Chin-sun, the Weekly News column author, rushing to Park Jimin’s bureau every day at different hours in her pencil skirts and high heels knocking on the floor.

There’s only the Pentecost in the middle of the office that could actually surprise you.

“Looks like our Mary Magdalene is going to Jesus cave again,” mutters Kim Taehyung, the newspaper’s main photographer, friend from your desk and, actually, the only friend you have here. Very much gay and just like you, in desperate need for money. “It’s her third visit today. I wonder what it is this time. New prayer to Pope Francis she found?” he whispers and you chuckle at that quietly, looking around if anyone pays attention to your conversation, but everyone seems busy doing their own stuff. “Maybe she’s sucking his dick right now and we all think they are playing Who said it? Bible edition,” he adds in a hushed tone.

You start thinking about it for a while. Is that really possible for someone like Park Jimin, the editor-in-chief of the Sunday’s Spirit to have a sexual relationship with his coworker? The man who has a smaller version of Pietà in his office?

“I mean look at him. I would smash that ass too.”

You roll your eyes at Taehyung words, going back to your previous task but every time you try to concentrate, the face of your boss appears in front of your eyes uncontrollably.

Truth to be told, Park Jimin was a sight.

Blond hair, always perfectly styled and simply parted in the middle, revealing his forehead. Dark, sharp eyes that seem to pierce right through your soul and full, plump lips which could only be described as kissable.

He wears only high fashion brands, wandering through the office in Prada and Tom Ford suits that hugs his sculpted body just right. You think that as for a person who never misses Sunday’s mass, Park Jimin has also nice thighs. And a fine piece of ass, as Taehyung would describe it.

Newest Rolex that costs probably more than you will ever earn in your entire life on his wrist, Mercedes who just got brought out to the international market standing on his parking spot in front of the building, an apartment in the most luxurious area in Busan.

Park Jimin inhales God’s mercy and exhales money.

You spoke to him more explicitly only once, on your first day at work. He greeted you and wished good luck, saying that everything will be fine because you know, God’s good. Since that day, Park Jimin seems out of your reach. You contact him only through email, sending articles for him to check and approve, occasionally receiving some short message from him to improve this and that. He rarely leaves his office during working hours but when he does, it’s either for business meetings outside the editorial or for a lunch at nearby restaurant.

There’s also one, special occasion, every Friday, that’s a sacred time for all the employees. The clock hits 12am and so it begins. The angelic voices stop singing and everybody shifts on their sits.

“Oh, Holy Judas. I almost forgot about my favourite part of the week,” Taehyung sighs, standing up from his desk. And by that, he means-

“Friday’s Bible contemplation lunch break, everyone please gather up at the cafeteria.” Park Jimin’s sweet as honey voice says through the speakers.

You stand up from your chair with reluctance. Taking food with you, you go to the cafeteria, following Taehyung.

That’s actually the next thing you got used to while working at Sunday’s Spirit. Bible contemplation meetings are, as you found out from Taehyung, Jimin’s idea after he became an editor-in-chief almost one year ago. Every Friday all the workers sit together, eat their lunches and listen to Jimin as he reads a certain chapter from the book with true admiration written on their faces. After that, he usually asks some questions holding a discussion among the participants who, unlike you, happily takes part in.

The cafeteria looks rather normal, like any other lunchrooms you see in offices. Painted in bright yellow colors, with a few tables and a typical kitchen set in the back. Except for one thing.

A replica of Leonardo da Vinci’s The Last Supper hanging on the wall.

You decided a long time ago that you don’t want to know how much money it cost Jimin to have something like that here.

The newspaper’s workers, almost like the twelve Apostles, sit together by the tables. Lee Chin-sun at the very front, looking completely mesmerized by today’s Park Jimin’s appearance. He’s wearing navy blue suit that Taehyung swears it’s from Hugo Boss. The place next to Chin-sun is always occupied by tall, black-haired guy named Choi Eunwoo, main graphic designer, hopelessly in love with her since his first days at work. Behind them there’s a group from emendation department, with their leader Min Yoongi and other journalists. You always sit with Taehyung at the back, near the kitchen, not necessarily paying attention to what’s happening in the front.

Jimin, as on every Friday, walks to the small podium, designed to look like a pulpit in the church and opens the Bible. But one thing is odd: Jimin ain’t no priest or altar boy himself and he certainly dosen’t look like one, flipping through the pages of what you think it’s New Testament this time.

From your point of view, you could practically see how Chin-sun sighs with content expression on her face, lacing her fingers together on the lap and straightening her back. Eunwoo, on the other hand, shifts uncomfortably on his seat, sending Chin-sun quick glances full of unspoken longing she never acknowledges, to his dismay.

Then, Park Jimin clears his throat and the whole cafeteria goes quiet.

Truth to be told, you never really listen to what he’s reading. This time is no different. You just chew on your avocado sandwich, occasionally taking a sip of coffee. Your boss’ smooth voice reaches your ears faintly but you don’t pay attention to it, focusing on eating and Taehyung’s hushed rumbling instead.

“Look at our Mary Magdalene, she looks like she might burst a nut just by listening to CEO Jesus,” he says, making you peek at the girl.

Mary Magdalene is a nickname that Taehyung made up for Chin-sun when he started working at Sunday’s Spirit, mainly because of her attitude and relationship with Jimin. It’s rather platonic, at least for now. She looks at him with pure admiration on her face and she literally melts everytime he smiles at her. But Chin-sun’s ‘stalking’ isn’t unreasonable. Her father is a well-known philanthropist in Busan. He donates catholic charities, churches and, what’s the most interesting – he has some connections with Jimin’s father, the owner of Sunday’s Spirit.

And here’s the thing: Chin-sun’s hare and hounds definitely have some hidden reason. Maybe the whole marriage thing that has become a gossip in the office is true. Which makes poor Eunwoo’s situation even worse.

“Sometimes I wonder why has he fallen in love with her in first place,” you whisper, pointing at the graphic designer. “He knows he stands no chance against Jimin.”

“What can I say, you can’t help who you fall in love with.” Taehyung muses almost poetically, shrugging his shoulders.

You hum at that, placing your coffee cup on the table and looking around the cafeteria. It seems like Jimin has ended his reading session for today and now he invites everyone to join the discussion about the topic. He flashes Chin-sun a gentle smile and you could swear the girl is biting her lip.

On the corner of your eye you see Taehyung smirking.

“What?” you ask.

Taehyung takes a sip of his coffee lazily (it’s always caramel macchiato), peering at Jimin. “Oh, nothing. I was just wondering if our boss really wants to settle not only with Chin-sun, but anyone in general,” he says languidly.

You furrow your brows. “What makes you think that? I mean, look at him. He probably waits with sex till marriage.” you snort.

Taehyung chuckles at your words. “Ah, sweetheart, you really know nothing about Park Jimin.”

“What do you mean?”

He moves closer to you, leaning towards your ear. “What I mean,” he whispers, “is that Park Jimin isn’t such a prude everyone thinks he is. At least he didn’t use to be.”

You raise your eyebrows at him with disbelief. “What? He’s secretly gay?” you mock.

Taehyung rolls his eyes. “I wish, but no, he isn’t,” he answers with a sigh. “Do you know Min Yoongi from emendation team?” he then asks, pointing at grey-haired man with feline eyes sitting behind Chin-sun.

You nodd your head. Min Yoongi is a hard to read guy. Always suspiciously silent, practically never leaves his office. Something makes you wonder how did Taehyung end up befriending him enough to casually gossip about the boss. You will ask him about this on another occasion.

“So here’s the thing,” Taehyung begins, lowering the volume of his voice. “He used to study at the same university in Seoul with Jimin. They even had been together in the fraternity. Yoongi-hyung told me some juicy details about our boss’ life back then.”

You frown at his words. “And you are telling me this now?!” you hiss.

“I found out literally two days ago!” Taehyung exclaims, maybe a little too loud, so you quickly place your index finger on your lips, shushing him.

“Fine. Continue.” you whisper, looking around to see if anyone pays attention to you.

“Well, Park Jimin used to be a trouble back then. A golden boy of his family in Busan, but a campus fuckboy and obnoxious heartbreaker in Seoul. He smoked cigarettes, drank enormous amounts of alcohol, got wasted on every weekend, missed classes and changed hair colors as often as his girlfriends. By the way, don’t you think he would slay pink hair?”

“Taehyung can you please–”

“Okay, okay. Enough thirsting over Jimesus. So, as you can see, there was no place for Sunday’s mass and Bible contemplation meetings in his life. And here’s the awaited plotwist. His parents somehow found out his son wasn’t living good catholic life on his studies and got extremely pissed off. They simply gave him an ultimatum: if he doesn’t stop his shenanigans, they will cut him off their money and they won’t make him Sunday’s Spirit heir.” Taehyung stops his rumbling for a while, letting you proceed all the bewildering informations about your dear boss he has just revealed.

Your eyes simply widen at the revelations.

Park Jimin, the man who organises Bible contemplation lunch breaks, a regular churchgoer, someone who you always thought has a cross tattooed on his back, was a playboy who slept with a half of the female community in the university?

Interesting.

“Rest of the story is simple. He changed his behavior, got a master degree in journalism and came back to Busan to work here. What is funny, his first position was the same as yours now,” Taehyung ends his story with a light chuckle. “Now you understand why it’s hard for me to believe he really thinks about getting married and having at least three kids.”

You look up at Park Jimin, who’s standing now in the centre of the cafeteria, with his arms crossed over his chest, nodding at one of the journalists words. His gaze is so intense and filled with such an authority that makes you understand why Chin-sun literally squirms when he looks at her that way.

It’s not hard for you to imagine him in much different surroundings.

Him, standing with a cup of beer in his hand in the middle of the crowd of drunken people at some frat party. There’s a leather jacket on his shoulders and he’s wearing tight-fitting pants that hugs his gorgeous thighs much better than his usual slacks he puts on every day before he sets off to work. He scans the room with a mishevious smirk dancing on his features, biting and licking his lips as he looks for his prey for tonight.

He then spots her, his pick for the night. He runs his fingers through his silky locks and approaches the girl, whispering dirty promises to her ear as he sways their bodies to the rhythm of loud music blasting through the speakers. Later that night he has her underneath him, begging him to touch her. He fucks her hard, leaving bruises all over her limp, exhausted body. There will be soreness between her thighs in the morning and a few violet love bites on her neck, a gentle reminder that all of this wasn’t just a dream.

But there’s no warm body next to her she could wake up to, no ‘good morning, baby’ or a second round of love making between the sheets. Because Park Jimin isn’t like that. He waited until her breath slowed down and eyelids fluttered shut, drifting her off to sleep. He left in the middle of the night, a cigarette caught between his swollen from kisses lips. He fumed the poison and smiled to himself, wondering what his parents would think when they found out. A golden boy of his family, future heir of the Park’s legacy, coming back from one of his sexcapeds with girl which name he didn’t even remember.

The Lord himself must have already cursed him and he’s currently planning the punishments for him in depths of Hell. But does Park Jimin look like he really care?

You stare blankly ahead, imagining those scenes in your head. You can’t help but squeeze your thighs because God, yes, Park Jimin is hot, even if he reads Breviary before he goes to sleep. What a shame he has changed.

A smooth like honey voice pulls you out from your airy-fairy slumber.

“Miss Y/N?”

You jolt in panic after hearing your name, glancing around and praying that wasn’t the person you think it was. But this silky, melodious voice you would recognize everywhere.

God hates you though, he knows what kind of scandalous things you were daydreaming about and now it’s his time to punish you.

Looking up, your gaze settles on no one other than Park Jimin, who stares at you with his left eyebrow raised, pursing his lips. He extinguishes the aura of pure dominance around him and you involuntarily blush, squirming under his intense glare. You’re royally screwed.

You clear your throat, trying to calm down rapidly beating heart. Without success.

“Yes, sir?” you manage to answer innocently. Certainly not like you weren’t thinking about being fucked by him minutes ago. You don’t even have time to be surprised he remembers your name.

Park Jimin looks unamazed by your sweet tone; he almost seems bored, but definitely irritated. “I asked you a question and I’m waiting for your response.” he says lowly.

Fuckfuckfuck. God have mercy on you. What was the question? Shit, you don’t even know what fragment he had read before.

In act of complete desperation you elbow Taehyung for help but this little shit pretends he has no idea what’s going on, looking at The Last Supper with sudden interest.

You are purely, loyally, utterly fucked.

You adopt the most charming smile you could muster, knowing that it will have zero affect on Park Jimin and ask, “Could you repeat the question one more time, sir? I’m afraid I didn’t hear you correctly.” Jesus, when has your voice become so high-pitched?

A cruel smirks forms on Park Jimin’s lips. He shakes his head, tsking. Taehyung mutters something under his breath that sounds dangerously close to “It was nice meeting you, sweetheart.” You gulp, waiting for your sentence and hoping Pontius Pilate will be gracious to you.

“My, my,” Jimin muses. It makes you feel like a little girl being scolded by the teacher due to her outrageous behavior. You bite your lip so hard you might draw blood, waiting for your boss’ next words. “Of course you didn’t hear my question, because you weren’t paying attention to our discussion.”

In the corner of your eye you see Chin-sun shaking her head with detestation. What a bitch, you think to yourself.

You take a deep breath then, nails digging crescent moons on the skin of your palms. You don’t like being in the spotlight, you never did, but now you have no choice but face the consequences. “My deepest apologies, sir. The behavior I exhibited was highly inappropriate,” you say, bowing your head. Jimin eyes your figure from head to toe and you might actually feel his burning gaze on your skin. Your cheeks flush in crimson even more.

The editor-in-chief seems to deliberate with himself for a while, turning his head slightly to the side, not breaking the eye contact with you. Finally, after a moment that seems to last an hour, he speaks.

“I think you need a lesson that will teach you to pay attention to our weekly discussions, miss Y/N. That’s why I want you to write a 4000 words long paper about the role of Mary Magdalene in Jesus Christ’s life which we had discussed today but you, unfortunately, didn’t acknowledge it.”

You freeze. Like a scene in the movie, everything stops. The embarassement you felt earlier is quickly replaced by pure anger and irritation. He wants you to write a fucking paper? What is this? University lectures?

Never before in your entire life have you felt so humiliated. All eyes are on you; you could practically sense how they are trying not to laugh out loud. Eunwoo and Taehyung look at you with apologetic faces while Chin-sun smirks, whispering something to Jimin’s ear.

“I apologize once again, sir,” you grit through your teeth with a forced smile. Jimin nods then, not even bothering to look at you again. You’re dismissed, that’s what his behavior is saying.

“Our meeting is over, you can go back to your work.” Jimin announces and walks away from the cafeteria with Chin-sun by his side.

You wait for everyone to leave and the you let out a groan of annoyance, burring your head in your hands.

“Hey, it could have been worse. He didn’t fire you after all.” Taehyung laughs but he quickly shuts up as soon as he sees your glare. You stand up from your chair with a scowl written all over your face, and storm out of the lunchroom.

And may the God help you.

Later that unfortunate day, you sit by your desk again, scrolling through the Ask and you shall find page absentmindedly and waiting for the new asks to come. Everyone has returned to their work like nothing has happened but it doesn’t stop you from feeling all those eyes constantly on your back. Maybe you weren’t fired but the humiliation and embarrassment of being told off by your boss publicly makes you want to disappear and never show up at the editorial again.

“Y/N,” Taehyung’s deep voice pulls you out of your thoughts. You look up at him and find the man smiling at you lightly. He’s wearing a long, camel coat and a big scarf around his neck with ridiculous patterns that reminds you of Persian diwans. He places his black camera bag on the desk, which means he’s leaving the office. “I’m free of office work for today so I just wanted to say goodbye.” he explains and you just nod.

“Bye, Taehyung. See you on Monday.” you say maybe a little bit to wryly and he feels that, letting out a long sigh.

Taehyung seems to deliberate with himself for a moment before he decides to speak again. He clears his throat audibly. “And I, uhm, I’m sorry. It’s my fault that you are in this situation. I started this conversation and I should be the one writing this stupid paper for Mister Prude.”

You can’t help but chuckle at the new nickname Taehyung gave Jimin. The anger you felt before drifts away from you slowly, and you smile at your friend apologetically. “Oh, God, Tae. I’m such a bitch sometimes, sorry,” you blurt out.”I’m not mad at you, I’m mad at him. Besides, maybe that’s good I’ve got homework. I don’t remember when was the last time I wrote some-”

Your words are interrupted by a loud laugh that resonates through the office. You look in the direction of the voice just to see Chin-sun with her manicured hand on Jimin’s chest, throwing her head back from the laughter, too dramatically for your taste. She seems to have changed her clothes, a black pencil skirt long forgotten and replaced by a red, bodycon dress. Her dark hair is also styled differently, curled and loose. She looks beautiful, matching Jimin’s appearance perfectly.

“Where are they going?” Taehyung whispers to you, furrowing his brows. You shrug your shoulders, tearing your eyes of Chin-sun and Jimin. “Maybe our Mary Magdalene’s plan to win Jesus’ heart is working. Poor Eunwoo,” he sighs, looking at his watch to check the time. “Anyway, I gotta go. I have to drive all the way to some shithole near the city to take photos of an old lady who swears she saw saint Francis or other dude with halo speaking to her,” he grumbles and you giggle at his words. “Good luck with your paper, sweetheart.” he leans and places a small peck on your cheek.

“Bye, Tae.” you say, watching him leave the office right after Jimin and Chin-sun.

You let out a long, tired sigh, counting the time to leave the office and finally be back home, with a bottle of red wine and new season of Game of Thrones that are waiting for you to watch the whole week. Then, when you’re about to stand up and make yourself another coffee, a new ask pops up in your inbox with the title ‘Sex S.O.S’.

You raise your eyebrows because honestly, what kind of title is this? Curiosity wins the battle with a hot cup of an americano and you click the show more button. You put on your prescription glasses and start reading.

Dear Sunday’s Spirit editorial,

My name is Kang Seoyeon. I study medicine at the University of Seoul, I’ve got an amazing group of friends and a loving boyfriend. And here’s where the actual problem begins. I’m from the catholic family with long traditions, and as you can guess, he isn’t.

We’ve been together for almost 2 years now and since my parents don’t want me to live with him before the marriage, there’s also no sexual life between us. I was actually surprised they agreed I can date a non-religious person in first place, so the rules weren’t that horrible at the beginning.

My boyfriend always seemed to be understanding about the fact that I’m catholic and he has never had issues against it because I stated this on the start of our relationship, but lately… he’s been distant. We meet up less often and I feel like simple kissing after 2 years isn’t enough for him. I even thought about initiating something that wouldn’t necessarily involve the real intercourse but I’m too inexperienced and shy for that. We are slowly drifting apart.

I don’t know what to do. I love him so much and I don’t want to lose him just because of some stupid rules I need to follow. I’m scared he will leave me for some other beautiful girl who wouldn’t have anything against sleeping with him, especially after considering the fact that he isn’t virgin unlike me and he experienced this kind of pleasure before.

I hope you will help me.

Yours faithfully,

Kang Seoyeon.

You blink once, twice. Read the message again and then, something snaps in you.

To Hell with these stupid, old-fashioned rules straight from the Middle Ages. To Hell with celibacy till marriage, masturbation prohibition and living according to God’s will. To Hell with Park Jimin and his ridiculous moral code (and his Bible contemplation lunchbreaks).

Unofficial eleventh commandment: If a girl wants a dick, she deserves to have it.

And that’s exactly what your response to the girl is in a nutshell.

Your blood boils in your veins with anger as you’re typing furiously on the keyboard, not even bothering to check if your sudden outburst makes any sense.

Dear Seoyeon,

It’s Y/N here, the journalist who you wrote this message to.

I don’t know what kind of response are you expecting from me but honestly? If you think I’m going to recommend you some praying to Saint Rita then you’re wrong. I’m done with this shit.

Let me make this straight: if you want to fuck your boyfriend, do it. Maybe God wouldn’t approve that but don’t worry, he won’t send you to hell because of some dick in your pussy.

They are plenty of worse things in this world than having sex with the person you love. Look at me. I’m literally writing to catholic newspaper while using words like ‘God’ and ‘Fuck’ in the same sentence. And that’s not even a small piece of what I’ve done in my life.

So you go girl, suck your boyfriend off. Make him beg. He will never leave you after this. You have my blessings and Jesus is giving you metaphysical thumbs up from above. Sex is amazing thing and you don’t have to wait for it until you say ‘yes’ in front of some guy in black cassock. Just go with the flow.

May the God help you!

Love, Y/N.

P.S. Watch out that guy. He seems suspicious. If he’s been really sex deprived for two years he will die after you give him a head.

Sent.

You exhale loudly, staring at the screen. You did that. Six months into working in Sunday’s Spirit and the time when you lost your temper has finally come. You should probably feel ashamed or have some type of conscience pangs but actually you aren’t even near this state.

Grinning to yourself, you delete the message you had sent to the girl from your inbox and check the time. It’s almost 5pm and it looks like you haven’t even realised you’re the only person at the office right now. Since it’s Friday and Jimin has already left, seems like everyone has decided to set off earlier too.

You turn off your computer, packing your things to the bag. Wrapping a scarf around your neck tightly, you leave the building, welcoming the coolness of the early Spring evening in Busan.

When you’re about to cross the street, your phone buzzes in the pocket of your coat. You stop for a moment, smiling to yourself when you read the message.

[04:23pm] from Tae: hey

[04:23pm] from Tae: i know you are probably planning an evening with mary magdalene n jesus but

[04:23pm] from Tae: wouldnt u want to go for drinks with me tonight?

[04:23pm] from Tae: same place as usual

[04:24pm] from Tae: as a wise man once said: nothing helps better for the writer’s block than vodka

[04:24pm] from Tae: so what do u say?

You don’t need to think twice when you quickly type a response. Game of Thrones and wine can wait till another time.

[04:26pm] from me: how could i say no to kim taehyung and vodka?

[04:26pm] from me: see u there

Kim’s is a place like no one other in Busan.

You wouldn’t even know about its existence if it wasn’t Taehyung who took you there first when you started working at Sunday’s Spirit, solemnly promising free drinks. Who would you be if you didn’t agree to that?

When you arrived at the bar, it eventually turned out the alcohol was costless hence it’s his family business since over thirty years and his brother Namjoon is a bartender, not because Taehyung willingly decided to pay for you.

Kim’s is located in rather industrial part of the city, sandwiched between factories and huge housing estates, not looking really inviting at first glance, but the place has its own, unique charm. There are some stories, shrouding the building’s history in mystery. Some people say it used to be headquarters of the most dangerous mafia in Busan, some even believe it served as the secret arsenal during the Korean War.

But what’s definitely true, it’s the fact that Taehyung’s parents bought this place in swinging times of 80s for a small amount of money and turned the place into disco bar which had become a must-go spot for young people in Busan.

Kim’s on the outside, with its large red neon sign hanging above the entrance, looks more like a night club than a bar, but on the inside the magic of kitschy 80s still remains the same (Taehyung swears retro is in fashion these days and that’s why he didn’t let his parents redecorate when they wanted to).

You always feel like you’re traveling back in time when you visist Kim’s.

The place is quite big, with a large dancefloor in the middle and red leather sofas strewn around the place along with the tables. Walls are made of brick and colorful, vibrant neon lights are shimmering on them. Oh, not to mention the huge disco ball on the ceiling. Everything accompanied with the quality music provided by Namjoon.

There are few billiard and foosball tables in the corner of the bar, always occupied by the same group of middle-aged men on weekdays and university students on weekends. But the thing that attract attention of the customers the most, is the bar with Namjoon behind it.

When you enter the place, you spot Taehyung and his blond mop of hair immediately. He sits on one of the bar stools, talking to his older brother. He’s wearing beige pants and floral button-up shirt that seems to match colors with his pinkish-looking drink he holds. You notice a new pair of sapphire earrings and a huge ring from the same collection on his forefinger. Classy, as always.

Taehyung grins broadly when he sees you. He puts his drink on the counter and stands up to greet you. His breath smells like strawberries and vodka when he leans to place his usual, small peck on your cheek. “Hi, sweetheart,” he says with his signature smirk plastered on his face, scanning your figure. “You look gorgeous. Last time you did this kind of make-up you wanted to get laid.”

You rolls your eyes at his words, sitting on a stool next to him. “Hi, Taehyung. Thank you for appreciating my efforts to look like a decent human being but no, I’m not planning on getting laid tonight.” you answer, waving to Namjoon who makes drinks for a group of girls a few meters from you. He smiles bashfully at you, showing his dimples.

“I’m not saying you want a fuck, calm down. I just assumed since it’s not everyday that you put eyeliner on,” Taehyung explains himself. “So let me do that again,” He takes a deep breath, placing a hand on his chest in a dramatic manner. “Y/N, you look absolutely breathtaking. I could stare at you for hours and I wouldn’t mind that even a bit. My homosexuality is at risk right now.”

You ignore his exeggarated outburst, rolling your eyes. “I’m not using eyeliner everyday because there’s something called dresscode in our work, you know?” you say. “Besides, my mum says you should look good on every occasion because you don’t know when you will meet the love of your life.”

Taehyung puts a hand on his heart and sighs with relief. “Thank God I always look good.”

You chuckle and then your eyes wander for a moment to Namjoon, who seems busy listening to whatever the pink-haired girl is telling him with polite smile on his face.

“Here,” Taehyung nudges your side, bringing your attention back to him. He hands you the same pinkish drink as he was drinking when you arrived. “Hyung told me it’s their new specialty or something. It’s called Flamingo’s Beach,” he says and you take the glass in your hand. “I have no idea what Namjoonie-hyung put here but as long as it looks good, it’s good. Cheers!” Taehyung sips his one and watches you with raised eyebrows as you’re taking a generous gulp of the drink. “And…?” he asks.

You lick your lips, humming to yourself. “Not bad. Tastes like strawberries.”

Taehyung opens his mouth to say something but he gets interrupted by his brother. “Y/N, hi. How are you?” Namjoon approaches you with two beer mugs in his hands.

His hair is back to his natural brown color now, purple strands long forgotten since the last time you saw him. It looks like he’s been working out lately, his posture more bulky and it makes his black shirt stick to his body tightly. Namjoon’s good-looking, you always knew that, but he seems to be even more handsome now.

“Hey, I’ve been good, thank you,” you greet him with maybe too much enthusiasm for your liking. You always had a weak spot for him. “How’s the bar going?” you ask.

“Busy, as you can see,” he replies, chuckling to himself. “I would love to talk to you more but I have some work to do in back room, so…” Namjoon trails off sheepishly, rubbing the back of his head with his hand.

“Oh, it’s okay. We can catch up another time.” You smile at him and you could swear his cheeks flushed.

“I’ll be going. See you.” Namjoon stammers out, not even waiting for your response before he disappears from your sight.

The pregnant silence sets in between you and Taehyung, something heavy hangs in the air and you feel it, tapping your fingers on the counter to the rhythm of one of the ABBA songs, waiting impatiently.

Taehyung looks like he’s debating with himself in his head. You narrow your eyes. He’s adopted a face you know pretty well, too well even. He looks everywhere but keep avoiding your gaze. He wants to ask you something, you’re sure of it, but he doesn’t know how.

Finally, after a moment of awkward quietness, Taehyung finally opens his mouth. “So, here’s the thing,” he starts and you wait for the bomb to drop.

Last time when he approached you like that, he asked you if you would be down for a threesome with him and some guy he met on Tinder. Your eyes almost popped out of your head when you heard his blunt proposition. You were eating lunch at cafeteria and the words casually slipped from between his lips as he chewed on his egg sandwich, like he didn’t just propose you having sex with him and instead asked for a lift to home after work.

Taehyung begged you for a whole week, pleading and convincing it’ll be fun. When you eventually agreed (sex draught make people do stupid things), the other guy didn’t show up. You ended up drinking tequila shots with Taehyung that night in his apartment, and you can’t quite recall how it happened, but somehow you found yourself unzipping your friend’s pants and the rest is history. He passed out right after he came. Now when you think about it, you feel a sudden urge to ask him if he remembers that.

You will do it next time, you promise yourself.

Taehyung though doesn’t ask you about having a threesome or robbing Park Jimin’s house this time. His intentions are pretty much different.

“See, Namjoon split up with his girlfriend few weeks ago,” he says and you prick your ears. “He’s not in good condition right now, as you can see. It was a nasty break up, he found out she’s been cheating on him,” He lets out a long sigh. You bite your lip, imagining Namjoon’s disappointed face when he discovered the truth. What a bitch cheats on someone like him? “So, I thought maybe you could… cheer him up a little bit?” Taehyung ends hesitantly, with a glint of hope in his eyes.

You frown. Cheer him up? Did he just imply what you think about?

“Look, I get it, he’s sad and angry, but what the fuck, Taehyung? What do you want me to do? Do you want me to be his rebound? Make him forget?” you exclaim. Taehyung quickly shakes his head but you don’t let him say anything. “I feel sorry for Namjoon but I’m not going to take advantage of him when he’s literally still hurt.”

“No, it’s not like that!” Taehyung rushes to explain. “Well, maybe it sounded like that but I swear, I didn’t mean that!”

“Then what should I do? Wipe his tears? Tell him a joke? Or maybe-”

“Of course he wants you to suck his brother’s heartbroken dick, doll.”

A sudden, low voice interrupts your conversation. Your eyes follow the direction when it comes from, looking to Taehyung’s left where not even a meter away a very familiar grey-haired man with feline eyes sits.

“Min Yoongi,” you say matter-of-factly.

The leader of emendation team from Sunday’s Spirit editorial raises his hand in which he holds whiskey, greeting you and Taehyung. “Hello, doll. Hello, Taehyung,” he says, not even bothering to look at you.

You elbow Taehyung searching for explanation but he shrugs his shoulders, turning to face the man as well.

“First of all, since when do you call me ‘doll’? We have never spoken a word to each other. Secondly, how long have you been sitting here and listening?” you ask Yoongi.

He snorts, smirking. “Long enough to know how Taehyung comforts his brother after break up.” he simply answers and Taehyung’s cheeks blush in crimson at his words.

“You come here often? I’ve never seen you here before,” you continue, crossing your arms over chest.

Next to you Taehyung lets out a sigh. “Yes, he does. Albeit I haven’t seen him for a while here,” You look at him in confusion. “Yoongi-hyung is Namjoonie-hyung close friend from university days.” he clarifies.

You raise your eyebrows at that. “So Namjoon went to the same school as Park Jimin?”

“Not the same. We met under different circumstances.” Yoongi cuts in.

“They’ve been together in underground rap group, or some shit. Didn’t like each other at first but eventually stuck together till the end of studies.” Taehyung ends and grey-haired man nods.

You can’t help but chuckle at that.

“What’s funny in that?” Yoongi scowls.

“Nothing. I just imagined you and Namjoon in snapbacks, rapping about the unfairness of social hierarchy,” you say, grinning at him.

“Well, you may believe me or not, but we even made a mixtape.” Yoongi reveals proudly, taking a sip of his whiskey.

Your eyes widen in curiosity. “Then what happened? Why aren’t you in Seoul now, still producing music? Why do you work in this stupid newspaper and Namjoon’s a bartender?” you ask interrogatively.

“Life happened, doll. We didn’t have enough money to publish our works so we decided to quit it.”

“Oh,” you breathe out.

You could see the nostalgia written across Yoongi’s face. You feel sorry for him, for Namjoon. Everything is always about the money. That’s why you’re working in Sunday’s Spirit even though it was never your dream in first place. Even though you have much higher ambitions than being Ask and you shall find column author.

Ever since you were little, you loved writing. You never complained, not even once, when your teachers in school assigned you to write something. They kept saying you have an extraordinary talent and it would be a shame if you didn’t do anything with that.

During your high school years, you were the leader of school newspaper’s team, still writing your own works every time you didn’t have something different to do. After that, you got to the university in Seoul, your another dream came true. You got a master degree, an apprenticeship in the Korean version of highly popular, world-widely known magazine. And then, nothing. No job applications available. No newspapers or publishing companies wanting you, dismissing you right away because they didn’t have any vacant places.

This is how Sunday’s Spirit, even if that’s not your dream job, happened. And quite literally saved your ass.

“I’m sorry.” you say after a while.

Yoongi smiles but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes. “Don’t be. What’s in past, stays in past.” he ends the conversation, drinking the rest of his whiskey.

You find this as a perfect possibility to do what you’ve come here for: get wasted, forget about this prick Park Jimin and his stupid assignment. You turn around on your stool to face the bar again, calling for the red-haired bartender named Hoseok who’s substituting Namjoon right now. You order a round of tequilla shots and quickly pours two of them in one go.

“Easy, tiger,” Taehyung teases, still sipping his pink drink as you wipe your chin with the back of your hand. Taehyung has stated a long time ago that he enjoys only casual drinking, which makes you and you lightweightness snort at him.

“Loser,” you mumble under your breath, deep down knowing you’re oh so much going to regret this after.

You focus your attention on the dancefloor now; technicolor lights glittering as the crowd of sweaty people bounce to old Madonna hits. You feel like your spirit might actually experience new kind of awakening during the chorus in Like a Virgin. You mouth the lyrics, the vodka already half-way to your bopping head. Your drunken self almost asks Taehyung and Yoongi if they would agree to be your backup dancers.

You eyes scan the room carefully and then, you spot him. He’s sitting in the corner, his arms splayed over the backrest of the red couch. A devil himself. A black horseman of the Apocalypse. A man who looks like every girl’s next mistake. Taylor Swift’s ‘we are never ever getting back together’.

A true sin.

Jet-black hair parted in the middle, onyx eyes and lucious smirk written across his lips as he bites them purposefully. He’s wearing a leather jacket and you wonder for a while if you would find inked tattoos on his body. He cocks his head to the side, his eyes glued to the same spot as he waits for something, or rather someone.

“Who’s that?” you ask, not even hiding your curiosity at this point.

Taehyung turns around as well, his eyes glancing to the dark-haired man briefly. “Ah, this, sweetheart, is Jeon Jungkook, Park Jimin’s best friend.” he says like it’s the most obvious thing in the world.

You raise your eyebrows, watching as Jungkook’s face expression immediately changes when waitress approaches him. He says something to her that makes her roll her eyes. She tightens her grip around the tray she’s holding, asking him for his order.

“Don’t worry. You are not the only one thirsting over him. I would let him top me too,” Taehyung whispers to your ear and you flinch.

“I’m not thirsting over him! I came her for drinks, not to get laid, I told you.”

“Okay, okay, loosen up a little. Tequilla makes you aggressive. Besides, it looks like he’s got his pick for tonight.”

Jungkook stretches out his hand and fixes the waitress’ glasses that seem to rode down her nose a little. The girl frozes in place because of his action and he grins, calling her cute.

“He’s trying to ask her out for two months,” Yoongi interrupts suddenly, again. It looks like he has nothing better to do tonight. “I’m serious. He’s here every Friday. Normally, he would have given up after the second time she had rejected him but there’s might be something in this girl that makes his dick hard and his heart soft.”

Jungkook’s eyes girl’s body as she bends to pick up the glasses from other tables and maybe that’s the alcohol swimming in your veins but you could swear his face lights up when she sends him another irritated glare when he calls her name.

“Does Park Jimin comes here often as well?” you ask before you could stop yourself.

Both Taehyung and Yoongi shake their heads.

“I don’t think so. Jeon comes here because he lives nearby in this huge ass apartment complex. His father runs a chemical factory and he works there.” Taehyung explains.

Jeon? Chemical factory? Something clicks in your brain. Right, you know who his father is. The King of Washing Powder. Another rich as fuck Busan’s snob.

“God, I hate him. I fucking hate him. What a prick. Douchebag. Asshole of the century,” The string of profanities leaves poor waitress’ mouth as she walks to the counter with tray in her hands. “How’s your day, love? You look beautiful today, love. Fucking leave me alone, love!” she mutters to herself, taking the beer mugs from Hoseok abruptly which makes the bartender raise his eyebrows in confusion.

“How’s your assignment about Mary Magdalene going on, doll?” Yoongi asks then, startling you.

You roll your eyes at him. “I literally got it today, Yoongi. I haven’t started yet.” you answer, gulping another shot.

On the corner of your eye you see Yoongi’s smirking. “I’m surprised, to be honest. You aren’t the only one who doesn’t pay attention to shit Jimin’s says,” he trails off. “I work for him from the moment he started this ridiculous Bible lunch breaks and I swear, he’s never called out someone like that before.”

“What do you mean he’s never called out someone before?” Taehyung joins in curiously.

“Look, I slept through the majority of these sessions and Jimin knows it, but he has never lecture me about it,” Yoongi remarks. “Maybe you’re an exception. Or he’s become more strict because of this bitch Chin-sun.”

You furrow your eyebrows, confused. You know Chin-sun has been making heart eyes for Jimin for a long time but what why it might have an influence on his behavior?

“Lee Chin-sun? What the office’s Mary Magdalene has to do with that? Besides the fact that she’s drooling for his dick every time she sees him,” Taehyung snorts.

Yoongi chuckles lowly. “Oh, so you two really know nothing about what’s going on between them right now,”

“What’s going on right now? Spill.” Taehyung says abruptly. You sigh when you see the way his eyes flicker with mischeviousness. One thing Taehyung loves more than photography and fashion is gossiping (and dicks).

“First of all, Chin-sun is a fucking bigot. And well… she might be closer to being miss Park than we thought.” Yoongi muses.

Taehyung eyebrows practically disappear in his hairline. You’re sure you mirror his expression right now.

Yoongi asks Hoseok for another glass of whiskey and continues. “My friend Seokjin’s wife is Jimin’s personal assistant and secretary. She heard this and that, quite juicy things I must say,” he says in a lower tone, like he’s revealing government secrets to them. You lean closer into his direction along with Taehyung. “Chin-sun’s father recently bought the claims to the most popular, conservative TV station in whole South Korea. But, what is more interesting, it looks like Park senior has some shares in it as well.”

You’re astonished. You knew there’s something looming in the air but you didn’t expect this. A TV station? Even your slightly drunken brain can calculate it’s very interesting.

“So the marriage between Chin-sun and Jimin would be pretty convenient for their families, especially after considering the fact that Jimin is the heir.” Yoongi adds, gulping the first sip of his new whiskey.

“Poor Eunwoo,” you whisper to yourself.

“But why so soon? Why do they want to legalize their relationship so suddenly?” Taehyung asks.

Yoongi lets out a heavy sigh. “There’s a rumour going around that Jimin’s father isn’t in good condition right now. Seokjin-hyung mentioned something about the heart disease. So, if that’s really true, you have the answer why he wants his eldest son to settle down already. Everything’s about the money, I told you.”

Taehyung whistles. “Woah, so Mary Magdalene is really about to be CEO Jesus’ wife soon!” he exclaims, clapping his hands. “Brilliant. Finally something spicy is happening in this boring editorial.”

“I wouldn’t be so enthusiastic if I were you, Taehyung. This kind of business never ends well,” Yoongi says coldly, placing his glass on the counter and standing up from the stool. He glances at his watch and throws a few bills next to his empty glass. “I’ll get going. It was nice talking to you, doll.”

“What about me?”

“Shut up, Taehyung, you’re not pretty lady.”

“I feel offended.”

“And I don’t care,” Yoongi mutters. Maybe that was alcohol swimming in her veins but you saw Taehyung lifting the corners of his lips in amusement. Weird. “Good luck on your assignment, doll. See you all on Monday.” Yoongi glances to your way one last time, adjusting his jacket.

“Bye, Yoongi.” you wave to him and a small, even sincere smile appears on his face when he as well raises his hand lazily and leaves. “Why didn’t you tell me he’s actually nice, Tae? I was always too scared to start a conversation with him because I felt intimidated.” you say after a while.

“I’m sorry, should have I set you up for a date with him?” Taehyung mocks.

A groan escapes your lips. “Could you please stop insinuating things?”

“You need to get laid, seriously. Like soon-soon. You get easily irritated recently. You need a d i c k,”

“I don’t need a dick!”

“A cock, Y/N,” Taehyung emphasizes. “A penis in your precious vagina.”

“Shut up!”

Several shots and a few drunken dances to Cindi Lauper and Bon Jovi, you’re pretty much wasted. And maybe, just maybe, you need a dick. And Taehyung, like a dipshit he always is, thinks that’s actually funny.

“Don’t wanna homff,” you slur, supporting your weight on Taehyung’s arm that shakes with laughter at your drunken antics, as well as his whole body. “I wanna danfce witfh somebodyyy,”

“Holy Mother of Jesus, you must be really drunk if you started referring to Whitney Houston’s songs. And you smell like booze,” Taehyung mutters under his breath and you whine, tugging on his arm.

“TaeTae, Taehyungie, pffleasee, can we go back?”

Taehyung ignores your grumbling completely. He exists the bar, walking (or rather dragging) you to the cab. As he tries to push your body to the car, he sees in the corner of his eye Jeon Jungkook, standing in front of his black SUV. The waitress from earlier accompanies him as well. It looks like he’s trying to convince her to let him give her a lift to home. The girl shakes her head at first but eventually gives up, stepping into the car. Jungkook grins to himself then, clenching his fists in gesture of pure triumph.

“I fuckin’ hate Park Jimin and his stfupid newspaper,” you mutter incoherently as you bury your head in the crook of Taehyung’s neck in the back of the cab. Old, korean songs are playing in the radio when you’re driving back home. Taehyung smiles to himself, hearing your light snores. But then, he falters.

Ah, yes, he almost forgot. It is going to be a long way to the third floor of your apartment building.

Next day, you wake up in the middle of noon with raging headache and an abrupt need to throw everything up. Frankly speaking, you had worse hangovers during you university days but it doesn’t change the fact that the state you’re currently in still sucks.

“Oh, good God, what have I thought?” you mutter to yourself while standing in the shower, letting the water cool you down.

Truth to be told, a drinking escapade when you have a whole ass paper to write in two days wasn’t the smartest idea you could come up with. You know that for sure, when you’re sitting down in front of your laptop with prescription glasses on your face and a cup of tea in your hand.

There’s a blank document opened on the screen, with only your name written in the corner and the title in the middle. You feel pathetic and useless, staring at it for 30 minutes straight. If you keep sitting like this, you might actually call Park Jimin right now and beg him not to fire you due to your incompetence.

“Get your shit together, Y/N.” you say to yourself, clenching your fists.

At first you fought about making some mind-map, outlining the most important parts of your essay, as you always used to do when you were studying. But there’s a huge difference between what you’re working on right now and what you usually did during academic days. Above all, at that time you were writing about things you had more knowledge about, not about Mary Magdalene and her role in Jesus Christ’s life.

“Ah, fuck it.”

You open an online Bible page and quickly type ‘Mary Magdalene’ in browser. All fragments when she’s mentioned shows up in front of your eyes. You fix your glasses and before you could stop yourself, you whisper, “Let’s get it.”

You don’t know how much time has passed since you started reading, but when you glance a the clock it’s nearly 7pm.

You went through every single page in the Bible when Mary Magdalene appears or when for some reason her name comes up in conversations. You read two thesis in which you found quite interesting facts about the heroine of your work. Also, you watched some conspiracy theories on YouTube about her, in which people claim that she was actually Jesus’ wife. You were bewildered, even in your post-hangover state.

And after all of this researching, you have settled a plan. You’re a journalist for God’s sake, you’ve been writing your entire life and none assignment will break you. So you start typing on the keyboard, filling the blank document pages with words, hoping that Park Jimin will approve your efforts.

On Sunday, you look like a ghost.

You’re a mess, cured from hangover but still in bad shape, especially after spending the whole night writing in front of your laptop. There are bangs under your eyes and you hair looks like you could cosplay a scarecrow. Your eyes are sore from staring to the screen for so long and you feel like you might collapse anytime if you won’t drink coffee in five minutes.

In between writing next paragraphs, you answer a call from Taehyung.

“How’s your assignment going, sweetheart?”

You let out a long, exhausted sigh. “It’s fine, I guess.” you respond to him.

“That’s lovely! I knew you would slay this, babe,” you hear him saying.

“I’m not done yet, Tae. I still have like a half to write,” you mumble and then let out a yawn, closing your eyes for a brief second before you speak again. “I would love to talk to you more but I really need to get this shit done as soon as I can, so I could have some decent sleep before Monday. I don’t want to look like an old witch when I hand in the paper to Park Jimin.”

“I know, I know. You got this, sweetheart. I’m sure you will make Mister Prude’s dick hard because of this.” Taehyung assures you.

You crack a tired smile even though you know he doesn’t see you. “Thank you, Tae.”

“Anything for you, sweetheart.” he says and hangs up.

You take another gulp of your coffee and start writing again.

It’s a little past midnight when you’re, with your last amounts of force you posses, typing the last words of the paper. As you look at your laptop screen, eyelids half-closed, you dream about nothing but going to sleep.

You did that. You really did. You wrote this stupid paper for Park Jimin and you’re actually proud of it. You carefully save the document three times (to be hundred percent sure) and as soon as you close your laptop, you pass out.

Little did you know what is waiting for you in editorial in a few hours.

You stare at your reflection in small mirror you hold, thanking God that he has enlightened the person who discovered make-up. You won’t say you look stunning but, after five hours of sleep you had in last two days, you would risk it all and say you appear much more than decent looking. You’re wearing your new black jumpsuit that makes your legs look longer and you even used a different shade of lipstick, painting your lips in crimson red.

And all of this for nothing, because when you stormed into the Sunday’s Spirit editorial to give the paper straight to Park Jimin’s hands, his secretary with polite smile said he’s coming to work later today.

You pursued your lips and handed the woman your blood, sweat and tears (you’re actually sure a few tears rolled down from your face on the keyboard while you were writing it), wishing you saw your boss’ face when you place the printed pages on his expensive desk.

“I changed a little bit the topic of my work while I was outlining it,” you tell Taehyung as you both sit together by your desks later that day. “I focused more on a role of Mary Magdalene character in world ruled only by men. I showed how a powerful woman she was, standing at Jesus’s side even though the church for the centuries referred her to whore,” you explain.

“Wow,” Taehyung muses. “You turned Mary Magdalene into feminism icon fighting against patriarchy.”

“It’s not like that!” You hit him in the arm. “You may laugh as much as you want but I actually got into her story.”

Taehyung smirks. “Looks like being scolded by Park Jimin wasn’t that bad.”

You roll your eyes. “Shut up. I got humiliated in the middle of fucking cafeteria. I still hate him. And also, I don’t know what he thinks about my essay.” you say with a sigh.

“Don’t worry. He’s probably having an epiphany right now while-”

A voice from the speakers that certainly doesn’t sound like gospel choir interrupts him.

“Miss Y/N, please report to the Park Jimin’s office immadietly.”

“-or he isn’t.” Taehyung ends.

Once again, you’re frozen in place. It’s okay, you tell yourself, maybe he just wants to talk about my essay. But what if he didn’t like it? What if your sudden feminism outburst about Mary Magdalene was too much?

“Holy fuck.” you blurt out quietly.

Taehyung gives you an encouraging smile but he doesn’t look much convinced in positive intentions of summoning you to their boss’ office, he just doesn’t say it aloud. “Well, maybe it won’t be that bad! Maybe he wants to congratulate you,” he tries to comfort you, without success. You look horribly pale and scared to death.

“I repeat: miss Y/N, please report to the Park Jimin’s office immadietly.” Jimin’s stone cold voice pierce through the silence again. You shiver. The journalists in the editorial send you impatient glares.

“Whatever happens, remember that I love you.” Taehyung whispers, squizzing your hand, which makes you even more nervous. He gives you thumbs-up and you take a deep breath, trying to calm your trembling body. A whole Sunday’s Spirit team follow your movements with their eyes.

You stands from your desk on wobbly legs and walk to the door with golden sign hanging on its surface.

Park Jimin

Editor-in-chief

You take the knob in your shaking palm and twist, stepping into the lion’s den.

The atmosphere seems to shift when you walk into the room. You could hear your heart rapidly beating through the dead silence that lingers in Park Jimin’s office. “You wanted to see me, sir?” you ask after closing the door, subconsciously cursing yourself for sounding so weak already.

“Yes, have a seat,” Jimin says. “Give me a second. I need to finish something.” he adds when you sit down, not even bothering to spare you a look.

Jimin sits behind his desk, eyes glued to the computer screen. His hair is pushed back from his forehead, his jaw clenched. Oh, great, he looks pissed, you think to yourself.

He isn’t wearing his suit jacket like usually, which surprises you. His white shirt’s sleeves are rolled up, revealing a glimpse of veiny hands and his Rolex. This is the first time you see him like this. He looks so… unlike him.

Strange.

You use the time you have to take in your surroundings. Jimin’s office is painted in fair tone of grey. The rumors were actually right, there’s a smaller version of Michelangelo’s Pietà standing proudly on of the drawers. Behind the desk, on the wall, hangs a wooden cross with gold-plated figurine of Jesus Christ, and just underneath it there’s a framed picture of Lady of Fatima, which he once proudly showed to the whole editorial team on one of the lunchbreaks, saying his grandmother brought him this from her pilgrimage.

You focus your attention now on the wall filled with numerous diplomas and certificates, all of them signed with Park Jimin’s name.

You had read some of his works before you started your job in Sunday’s Spirit and you must admit: Park Jimin is a talented, smart journalist you aspire to be one day. It’s actually sad, you think, that he can’t pursue his career, wasting his abilities by working in catholic newspaper owned by his father. And as you know from Yoongi, his situation isn’t going to change soon. Maybe he was right after all. Money really does rule this world.

After a few minutes that seems to last forever, Jimin breaks the silence. “Do you know why are you here?” he asks, finally averting his attention to you. He stares so deeply into your eyes that you feel you might faint from the intensity of his aura.

You clear your throat, and then respond. “I do believe it’s about my paper I handed in to you this morning.”

Jimin raises his eyebrow at that. “Your paper? No, everything’s fine about it. I read it and I must say, you did a great job,” he says and you furrow your eyebrows. So if nothing’s is wrong with your essay then what does he want?

“Then… why did you call me in, sir?” you hesitantly ponder.

Jimin laces his fingers together and leans closer over the desk. “Well,” he begins, “Maybe you forgot or you really didn’t know about it, but I used to run the same column as you do now,” You nod your head, recalling what Taehyung told you recently. Jimin continues, “I was actually the one who created it. That means I am still, for this day, its administrator. Which leads to another conclusion: every single ask that is send to our editorial and your responses to them can be monitored by me.” he explains, gauging your reaction. You still don’t have an idea why is he telling you that, so you just sit still and wait.

Then, Jimin reaches for the paper that lays on the left side of his desk and hands it to you. “Could you please tell me what is this?” he asks, pointing at the paper.

You glance at it briefly. “These are the questions I got last week and my responses to them.” you reply straightaway.

Park Jimin doesn’t seem much satisfied after hearing your words. He then takes another paper and gives it to you as well. “And this particular one, Y/N? Could you please read it and tell me what is this?”

Ignoring his forego of ‘miss’, you take it to your hands and start reading.

Dear Sunday’s Spirit editorial,

My name is Kang Seoyeon. I study medicine at the University of Seoul, I’ve got an amazing group of friends and a loving boyf-

You gasp and immadietly put a palm over your mouth. Under Seoyeon’s ask there’s also, clear as day, your much inappropriate response to her. In which you persuade the girl to suck her boyfriend off.

Holy fuck. Jesus Christ. Shitshitshit!

Jimin said he monitors everything that people send to the editorial along with the responds. Of course he had to read it. Why have you been so dumb? How could you believe that simple deleting from your inbox would be enough? Why can’t you do something properly for once?

You gulp, trying not to cry because good God, he’s going to fire you. He will kick you out and write a bunch of negative letters to your future employees, in which he will explain in details how disobiedent, reckless of a worker you are.

“Did you also forget how to speak?” Jimin asks. You almost cry out right away from the coldness of his voice.

You muster up a courage and look at him, and that’s a huge mistake because as soon as your eyes meet his, you’re lost for words.”I-I don’t know what to say, sir,” you stammer out. “I have nothing for my defence. I can only apologize for my irresponsible and inappropriate behavior I exhibited.” you say, bowing your head down.

Jimin pursues his lips. He stands from his chair and walks to you, leaning his body on the desk. He takes the paper from you to his hands and starts reading. “If you want to fuck your boyfriend, do it. Maybe God wouldn’t approve that but don’t worry, he won’t send you to hell because of some dick in your pussy,“ he quotes your response to the girl and your cheeks flush in red; you wish nothing more than to disappear and never see your boss again. But he’s relentless and continues reading, spilling the crude words, humiliating you even more. “So you go girl, suck your boyfriend off. Make him beg. He will never leave you after this.“ Jimin chuckles to himself darkly and you shut your eyes. “Look at me when you are spoken to,” he demands. You quickly oblige, lifting your chin a little to meet his intense gaze. “Is that really how a good, catholic girl should act?” he asks in a mocking tone.

You shake your head. “No, it isn’t.”

Jimin clicks his tongue. “Do you think he really won’t leave her after this?” he asks out of the blue.

You furrow your eyebrows. What kind of twisted game is he playing now? “I don’t know, sir.” you answer honestly.

Jimin smirks. Devilishly, sultry and completely illegal. He then licks his lips and leans closer to you. You could swear his eyes are darken than before. Something has shifted in his demeanor; he looks daring. “Why don’t you show me then, how this poor girl should suck her boyfriend off, Y/N?” he whispers lowly.

Your eyes widen. Did he just-?

He didn’t. He can’t. Maybe you misheard him, maybe you started imagining things that aren’t real. Oh, sweet Lord, the look of absolute seriousness written on his face tells you very much different.

Park Jimin, your boss, the man who goes regularly on masses and reads Bible, wants you to give him a head. In his office.

May the God help you.

You should probably slap him in the face for his immoral proposition. You should save your dignity, leave and never come back again. But then, you clear your mind from all those twisted thoughts running through it and you realise that you’re walking on a very thin line. Line which is called unemployment and bankruptcy.

You think about your landlord who praised you recently for keeping up with rent every month regularly. You think about your student loans that you still need to pay.

And fuck, you hate Yoongi because he was damn right. Money wouldn’t buy you happiness, but it can provide you that.

That’s why you put away the humiliation, the what ifs. You shut your mind screaming at you and listing the future consequences. Maybe Jimin just tests you, but the way he looks at you denies it. He wants to see you on your knees in front of him. Perhaps he only wants to play before he fires you but you put that thought aside.

You at least need to try.

Jimin searches for any kind of protest in your eyes and when he doesn’t find it, he’s back to his domineering self. “What are you waiting for?” he asks, his voice an octave lower. “Get on your knees.”

He has a calm expression on his face and you wonder for a moment how many times has he been in similar situation before. Having a woman on his mercy and using her the way he likes. And now you know. All those stories you heard about, are actually true. Park Jimin isn’t a prude. He’s dirty.

You fall to the floor with a light whimper. Maybe it’s the last chance for you to leave, but the confidence that emanates from Jimin doesn’t falter your movements. You hate yourself for that but God, you want to see this man being a mess for your touch. Even if that’s fucked up.

And it’s wrong, so, so wrong, when there’s a cross hanging behind you, when he’s your boss who claims to be a good catholic, when you do that because you’re too afraid to lose your job. But in that moment, the morality doesn’t exist.

Jimin stands up to take his belt off, looking at you from the above as he slowly, purposefully pulls it from the belt loops. He doesn’t encourage you or say anything, he just waits. You gulp when he yanks his black slacks down, along with his underwear.

For a few, solid seconds, you just stare.

You aren’t a connoisseur of dicks. Dick is a dick, but Park Jimin’s length is just as perfect as the rest of him, semi-hard against his lower stomach. Your hands move to his sculpted thighs, running up and down, tracing the prominent lines of his toned abdomen. The muscles tense underneath your touch.

You don’t remember when was the last time you’ve gone down on someone. Maybe it was Taehyung few months ago when you were both too drunk to care? You can’t quite recall. Every move of yours is uncertain, but Jimin doesn’t mind. Maybe your uncertainty turns him on even more.

He watches as you take him in your palm hesitantly, hot and already stiff, stroking him several times until he hardens in your hand. The sight is purely erotic, filthy, and you lick your lips before placing a light kiss on his tip. Jimin hisses. That’s a warning. No teasing.

You pump him, trailing a thumb over his slit, spreading precum all over his cock. Jimin doesn’t say anything but from the shuddering breath he lets out you assume he likes it. You take a deep breath, wrapping your lips around his dick and swirling your tongue around the head.

Jimin groans, a guttural sound resonating through his whole body and you take it as a sign to continue. You ease more of him into your mouth, hollowing your cheeks and bobbing your head up and down around his length obediently. Some twisted and fucked-up part of you wants him to praise you, call you good girl with your lips around his dick and throbbing core. He does none of that. His hands tangle in your hair as he withdraws, and you know exactly what’s coming next.

It’s an unspoken question on his lips and your jaw falls slacks on command.

A forceful push of his hips and he’s burried deep inside your mouth till he hits the back of your throat. Tears brim in your eyes and you gag, breathing heavily through your nose. It hurts a little, a dull ache but the content sigh and fucked-out expression on Jimin’s face is worth it. So you let him fuck your mouth the way he wants, let him pull your hair harder, wreck you a little more. It’s so easy to submit to him, to let him overwhelm you in every sense possible.

Your eyes fall shut and Jimin stops his movements, pulling from your mouth. Drool dribbles down your chin and you wipe it with the back of your hand. Jimin lets out a shaky breath, staring down at you so intensely it makes your insides tighten, even if you don’t see him yet.

“Look at me,” he rasps and you do, how could you not. The sight of your boss’ flushed cheeks and sweat forming on his forehead will be imprinted in your mind forever.

You curse yourself for wanting him to fuck you senseless right against his deck, with a hand around your throat muffling your screams, fuck you so hard you won’t remember your name anymore, no matter how wrong it is.

“Good girl. You’re so pretty like this, letting me fuck your mouth,” Jimin nothing but purrs, filling you to the brim again, until there are tears forming in your eyes and running down your cheeks, until he hits the base of your throat again and again and you fight back choked gags every time. “Just like that, fuck-” he moans, lowly and beautifully, head thrown back and mouth parted.

He’s close, you could feel that, so you take him deep once again and when your throat tightens around him one last time, he lets out a gutural groan and comes. You swallow every drop of his bitter release and when he pulls out from your mouth, you nearly fall forward.

Jimin catches you, placing his hands on your shoulders, balancing your exhausted body. You look at him through your half-lidded eyes. He looks so young now, so innocent, his cold demeanor’s gone and replaced by pure bliss written on his face. For Park Jimin, cheeks rosy, disheveled hair and loosen tie, you would do it all over again.

He then does something unexpected. He reaches for your face, brushing your tangled hair away and placing the strands behind your ears. This is a loving gesture, something exclusive he definitely shouldn’t be doing. You’re frozen, you can’t move a muscle while he wipes your cheeks from the reminiscences of your tears. He trails his thumb over your swollen lips absentmindedly, faltering there. For a moment he looks like he might say something, but he quickly shuts his mouth, regaining his previous posture.

You take this as a sign to leave. You get up from the floor, your knees sore from the uncomfortable position you’ve been in. You walk to the mirror that hangs on the wall of Jimin’s office. You sigh, seeing your current state. There’s no way someone would believe you that you haven’t just sucked a dick.

Your cheeks are flushed in pink, there are smudges of mascara under your eyes and your lipstick is smeared in the corners of your mouth. Not to mention your hair is still a mess.

You are painted in all shades of wrong.

In the reflection of the mirror you see Jimin buckling up his belt and straightening his tie. He runs a hand through his blond locks and looks up, catching you staring at him. You quickly look away.

“Don’t worry. No one will notice anything. Everyone should be off for their lunchbreaks by now.” he says. He sounds so pathetically normal, yet there’s still a slight rasp in his voice.

You glance at the watch on your hand and check the time. It’s a little past 12. You brush your hair with your fingers quickly and proceed to leave, but you stop, remembering you have to ask about one last thing. You turn around to face him.

“Are you going to write a bad opinion about me to my future employees?” you ask, flinching at the hoarseness of your voice.

Jimin raises his eyebrows. “Bad opinion? No, absolutely not,” he answers, shaking his head. “I was never going to fire you in first place.”

You fight back the shocked expression that threatens to appear on your face. You quickly rush to leave this damn office and never look in his eyes ever again. What were you even thinking?

“And Y/N,” Jimin’s voice makes you stop with your hand hovering over the door knob. Single tear rolls down your cheek and you gulp. “I’m sorry.” it’s all he says.

You don’t ask him what he meant by that. You don’t deliberate if he was sincere or not. You leave the office as soon as you can, running to the nearest bathroom, closing the door behind you and leaning on it.

He wasn’t going to fire you. He just wanted to use you, demand to get down on your knees and please him the way he wants. It was all a game for him, and you became his plaything.

“I’m so stupid,” you mutter to yourself, burying your head in your hands. “God, I’m so stupid.”

You feel sick, used, but at the same time you can’t get away with creeping feeling that you enjoyed it, wishing he wanted you just as much as you wanted him in that moment.

You sigh, closing your eyes. You’re probably foolish for thinking it won’t have any consequences. You’re just about to face them.

The coldness of early Spring hits you when you exit Sunday’s Spirit editorial. You hug your body tighter with your coat, standing in front of the building awkwardly. You take a few deep breaths, trying to clear your mind, but nothing really works. There’s a vacant space inside your body, like your soul has drifted away and left nothing but emptiness.

You feel hollow.

You don’t know how long have you been standing there, inhaling fresh air and waiting for your blood to start circulating properly in your veins again. When you’re about to head to the underground station, on the corner of your eye you see Jimin’s black Mercedes. You probably shouldn’t stare but you helplessly do.

Probably if you didn’t, it would hurt less.

He approaches the car, looking perfectly fine as always, which you couldn’t say about yourself. And he isn’t alone.

You recognize dark curls of Chins-sun’s hair, contrasting her beige coat beautifully. The corners of Jimin’s lips lift when he sees her. You don’t know if it’s a honest smile or a forced one. You wonder for a while how does he look like when he’s truly happy. Maybe he’s happy now, when Chin-sun is by his side.

What you are really sure about Park Jimin, is that he’s a man of many maybes.

Something which definitely doesn’t look forced are his palms, cupping the cheeks of Chin-sun’s flushed face. He starts tracing circles on her skin in intimate gesture and murmurs something. Maybe he asks her how was her day. Your lips still tingle where he trailed his thumb over it bitten, swollen surface. Maybe he still remembers how they felt around his cock when he was relentlessly bringing tears to your eyes and stabs to your heart.

The way he leans and kisses Chin-sun’s cherry colored lips is purposeful, perfectly measured. Maybe he sighs into her mouth with content, a beautiful sound you have witnessed with your own ears, as you were working him to his climax. Jimin’s hands grip Chin-sun’s dark locks but it isn’t the similar manner he did to you earlier, as he laced his fingers through the strands, when you wished him to do nothing more than pull harder and harder, until the pain in you scalp was replaced by dull ache, until a whimper fell from your lips and eyes squeezed shut. He kisses Chin-sun lovingly and there’s no roughness in that. It’s gentle caresses and soft murmurs.

After a moment he breaks off, soothing his palms over Chin-sun’s shoulders. She sends him a smile and opens the passenger’s door, getting into the car. And then, when you swallow a lump in your throat, when you decide to turn around and go, run as fast as you possibly can, when you dream about nothing more but never seeing him again, you catch eyes with him.

Jimin looks pathetically apologetic. There’s something in his dark brown orbs you can’t read. Maybe it’s guilt, maybe regret. Park Jimin is a man of many maybes, yet he stares at you with expression you could only mistaken for sadness.

You wonder if he sees the way your eyes stare at him blankly. You wonder if he knows how he nearly wrecked your body and made you feel things you shouldn’t. If he hurts the same way as you do now. However, Jimin quickly diverts his head away from you, closing the door to his car behind him as well. You laugh quietly at the ridiculousness of this situation. A bitter laugh that escapes your mouth and deepen the hollowness inside you.

A hand touches your arm and you don’t even flinch, knowing already who it is.

“So you know the news,” Taehyung says, looking at Jimin’s car leaving the parking lot. How long has he been standing behind you?

“What news?” you ask, turning your head to look at him.

“Chin-sun is really going to be miss Park officially,” he replies. “Jimin proposed to her this weekend. The wedding is in may. But that’s not important right now. How’s your conversation with him, sweetheart?”

You feel sick. You excuse yourself, mentioning something about needing to catch earlier train and texting him later. Taehyung calls after you but you don’t listen. You start running.

You run until you couldn’t breathe, until there’s a soreness in your throat from the coldness of air. You run until you reach your apartment, stumbling into it on wobbly legs. Your back touches the wall and you slide off, sitting on the floor.

You don’t cry. The tears don’t strain your eyes. It’s only this damned, dull hollowness.

There’s written in the Bible that a guilty person is the one who broke God’s law, who committed a sin. The said person will be judged by their actions after their death. Because every human being has a conscience, the thing that sets the line between good and bad, so when we did something wrong, we should feel remorse.

When you sit on the floor and stare blankly in front of yourself, you know you have sinned.You both did. You wonder if he, trailing patterns of tender touches on his fiancee’s skin, feels the same as you. You wonder if guilt eats him up as much as devours you. Maybe there’s hollow ache in his chest, just like in yours. Maybe he doesn’t feel anything.

And may the God help you both find your redemption.

997 notes · View notes

unsettledink · 3 years

Text

Back in the days of LJ, I used to try and do a post at the end of each year, looking back primarily at fandom and fic. I fell out of the habit when everything moved to tumblr, and then it seemed like I didn’t have anything to say since I wasn’t writing or really participating any.

But I always liked the idea of it, because I love to be overly reflective on stuff. And talk about my fic. Any excuse! I shuffled around some of the topics I used back then and added a few I’ve seen around that I liked. It got… long, because I TALK, so I split into two sections.

Your main fandom of the year?

Marvel (MCU) for sure. Primarily with characters from Spider-Man and Iron Man movies.

Your favorite film watched this year?

The Old Guard - I saw a couple trailers and everything about it looked like catnip. ‘It’s probably going to be so dumb, but I don’t even care,’ I thought. And then it was so good. It was so much fun and so much smarter than I expected and I loved each and every character and it just made me happy in so many ways.

Your favorite book read this year?

Red, White, and Royal Blue, Casey McQuiston - I read it twice this year actually. It’s so… cute isn’t the right world. Sweet and hopeful and soft and comforting and intense. I liked every single character which is pretty rare. I cried during the sad parts and then again at the happy ending, like straight up sobbed - both times. I already want to read it again.

Your favorite tv show watched this year?

Schitt’s Creek - I started it on a whim and because a lot of people had said it was good. The episodes were short so it wasn’t a huge time investment. The first season was a little rough, but there were enough funny moments that I hung on, and then… I kept getting fonder and fonder of these idiots as they grew. And THEN… it kept not disappointing me?

You grow to expect certain scripts, twists, jokes, especially in queer story lines. To wait for the bad thing to happen, because it always does. Instead, Schitt’s Creek kept going, ‘hey, here’s the set up for that! Guess what? We’re not doing it. Here’s the happy version instead.’ The relief of having that happen again and again - the last season I’ve watched (I’m sort of saving 6) I cried a bunch but it was always because I was happy.

Your favorite album or song to listen to this year?

1896 - I’ve been waiting for the new Steam Powered Giraffe album so eagerly for aaaaaages. Finally getting recordings of Zero’s songs! Lying Awake remains my favorite off the album, with Eat Your Heart and Bad Days on the Horizon high up there as well. I’m loving what Zero brings to the band.

Your best new fandom discovery of the year?

I don’t know if I really did discover that much? I stuck pretty closely to old fandoms and the ones I picked up in 2019. Maybe Zodiac? It was definitely inspiring, and I want to write and read more in it.

Maybe the couple discords I joined? I still really dislike discord and am not on there much, and mostly lurk when I am, but having somewhere vaguely like the comms I remember makes me feel a little less isolated. It’s the potential, that maybe if I said something I might make a friend, or someone might actually want to hear what I say.

Your biggest fandom disappointment of the year?

The Watch - I mean, I knew it was going to be a disaster with every word said during pre production. I wasn’t ever going to be happy with it. And then it came out and was even worse and uglier and … disrespectful not just of the source material but of actual people connected to Terry. I’m beyond disappointed that this is what we got, and it’s probably going to be a long time before we get anything else.

Devil All the Time was terrible, but I didn’t have especially high hopes. It still didn’t manage to meet them. Yikes.

The most missed of your old fandoms?

Maybe MASH? Someone I follow started talking about it and I was reminded all over again of the wonderful fics in that fandom. I went looking and a lot are gone (still on my computer, lol, but not online), but rereading was such a trip. A slightly depressing trip, but still.

The fandom you haven't tried yet, but want to?

Hmm. I’ve kind of not had the energy to invest in other fandoms at the moment? When The Witcher was having it’s big moment back in January, I had a feeling I might enjoy it enough to fall headfirst into the fandom, so I avoided watching it. Ikr? I don’t have the time or the energy to actively seek anything out.

Your biggest fan anticipations for the New Year?

SO EXCITED about Winter’s Orbit. I mean, the third Spider-Man movie for sure, with worry. The second Venom movie, ugh yes. I have tentative hopes for Jungle Cruise? Jumanji was stellar and I always enjoy Dwayne. I have both hope and dread for the new Suicide Squad - I did love Birds of Prey, so if it’s along those lines, yay. The Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard because it should be some fun garbage, my favorite kind. I don’t know how I feel about Dune, but, uh, I’m anticipating it. It seems highly unlikely it will actually happen, but The Wheel of Time TV series.

I want to be excited about Black Widow but it’s hard. It’s not the story I’ve been wanting to see, and I’m angry about Natasha not getting a movie until she’s dead.

You know. If any of it is released for real.

The Good:

I moved to a better place. I got a better paying, better benefits, better environment job that lets me work from home. The house acquired 3-7 more cats depending on the month. I was able to get some serious problems on my car fixed. I have insurance and was able to start on some health stuff. No one I know got sick or died. I wrote a LOT.

The Bad:

Aside from the obvious? Depression hitting extra hard during the winter. Having to put two kittens to sleep. Have my car be hit three times in our parking lot. Being driven INSANE by one of the cats for months while the vets were all closed. Kidney stone. Dealing with several health problems. Stalling for months on Gotcha.

The Indifferent:

Not leaving the house often or easily. Enjoying a new fandom but not doing great at making connections (still real awkward, bud). Raising kittens and saying goodbye. Need new tires. Reading a lot of fic but not a lot of books. Having more pay but more expenses as well (wth insurance??).

2020 fic stats

Number of stories: 39

Number of fandoms: 6? Or 2, if you cluster the others under mcu

Total number of words: 152049

Average word count per story: 4kish

Longest fic: Causality (18k, P/Q)

Shortest fic: Can’t, Won’t (1k, P/Q)

Most comments received: Sieche (49, T/P)

Fandom you wrote the most of: MCU Spider-Man - I only wrote TWO fics that didn’t feature that fandom, wow. And one of those was still MCU.

Fandom you wrote the least of: Zodiac (1!)

Events you participated in: Marvel Trumps Hate, Kinktober, IornspidersGeorg Exchange, Starker Festivals Exchange, MCU Secret Santa, Spiderio Big Bang

Looking back, did you write more fic than you thought you would this year, less, or about what you'd predicted?

SO MUCH MORE OMG. I mean, even just counting posted stuff! (I probably wrote a solid 300k of Gotcha this year.) I did not expect or plan on doing Kinktober, so that’s a whole 31 fics right there. I also wasn’t planning on doing any exchanges - I have a History - but then I did three? And beyond that, I did not expect for everything to get so LONG.

Topic you wrote that you would never have predicted in January:

Tony/Quentin. Goddammit @the-me09 They were like hey, they could be interesting! And while I agreed, I had no ideas for them. THEN they had to go and write Just Bodies That Collide and next thing I know, I’ve got ten fics featuring them and two-six series focused on them or Peter/Quentin/Tony. What the fuck.

Leitmotif of the year:

Vulnerability, I think. I had a bunch of things typed up and they all circle back to vulnerability in the end; sex, being seen, being wanted, sharing trauma, asking for help, trying something new. Offering a soft spot in the hopes it won’t be hurt.

Favorite character to write about:

Tony Stark, for sure. There are just a bunch of slightly different takes, and a lot of canon to work with (kind of frustrating too though). And I’m a sucker for emotionally damaged snarky traumatized characters that are viewed poorly both in universe and out.

Favorite kind of fic to write:

This year? Fluff and smut combined. Maybe that’s not the right term really. I keep looking for and writing, even in the angstiest fics, for those soft moments. Sure, maybe it’s a super smutty kink scene, but I want the affection to be obvious. Maybe everyone is consumed by guilt, but I want it to be based in caring too much. Maybe there’s no real love, just sex and even that’s messed up, but I want to find that tiny bit of fondness.

And I want happy endings. Or endings that look like they’re going to be happy, at least, even if there’s all the angst first. I don’t think I’ve killed anyone this year? Who AM I?

Biggest disappointment:

Not finishing the rough draft of Gotcha. I was making such good progress in 2019, from August to December. Even after the move, I basically finished part 6 in January. I fumbled around and fussed with 1 a lot, but that had already been given one draft, really, and I got through half of 4 before I slowed to a stop. I’ve barely gotten anything accomplished on it since June. Bits and pieces here and there, but nothing significant, not like I was doing. I can excuse October, due to 80k invested in Kinktober (yikes!), but aside from that… I’m sad. I’ll finish it eventually, but I really thought I could have the first draft done in a year. I’m sitting at about 480k out of what I’m almost certain will be 700k.

Biggest surprise:

Kinktober! It was kind of spur of the moment, decided just a week in advance. I’ve tried month long or even like, 20-25 day long challenges and I don’t think I’ve ever completed one. I thought there was a good chance I’d do so again, so I gave myself a little help and made my own list of prompts, things I knew I liked and hadn’t done much of yet. And it worked? I actually completed it, what the hell? Despite spending five days travelling near the end! Despite falling behind in getting ahead and writing a bunch of stories the day they were to be posted! Despite apparently forgetting how to do short form!

I, uh, could have done without the spawning of eleven series or sequels or continuations jfc WHY SELF.

Something you learned this year:

Ideas breed ideas. I swear to god, the second I sit down to think through a current idea, I wake up the next morning with three more.

Words need to be restocked. I need to consume new - not rereads, not fic - content every so often to refresh my word bank. It is astonishing how quickly writing goes again after I’ve done so.

I can write so much more than I thought I could. I can do so much more than I thought I could. Yes, I can complete challenges without dropping out early. Yes, I can do exchanges and not regret it. Yes, I can write more than 100k, more than 200k, more and more - and I can write 10k+ easily too. Though I wouldn’t mind if I could once again write less than 10k without feeling like I’ve cut off in the middle.

My time is shrinking, and if I want to write as much, I’m going to have to make the time. I can’t rely on three days off a week, on seven hours of uninterrupted overnight shifts, on hyper focused writing binges that leave everything else around me on fire.

Most memorable comment:

So, so many! I can’t pick one. I’ve been really lucky to get a bunch of really detailed, enthusiastic, analyzing comments across all different fics. One of the types that always sticks with me are the ones like ‘I didn’t think/know I liked this ship/kink/twist, but fuck, apparently I do? You made me, what the hell?’.

What, if anything, are you going to try to do differently in your writing in the new year?

So with writing Gotcha but not posting until it’s done, my view of what I’ve written vs anyone else’s is extremely skewed. I’m sitting here thinking, hey I’m 400k in and got another 10k done today, so much writing! While anyone looking at my AO3 account (for most of the year) is like, you’re averaging three months between fics :(

All that to say I want to try and get something posted more frequently while I’m working on Gotcha.

Also, writing for kinktober was really interesting - pushing myself to write every single day, often for that day’s post, forced me to get back into shorter form fic. Which used to be all I did? But it was surprisingly hard to just stop and not write more. So I’d like to challenge myself to write more fics under 10k at least. Maybe even under 5k though that might be asking a lot lol. I might get there with the many continuations of those fics I’d like to do. Does that count?

Goals:

I want to hit 365 fics. :) I’m only 32 away!

Aside from writing -

I’ve really enjoyed the reading record sideblog I started this year. I’ve let it lapse a little the past month or so, but I’d like to keep it going strong.

I’d like to leave a lot more comments. I want to get better about allowing imperfection - I want to write The Best Comment, but in the end? Probably 90% of fic writers are going to be happier with a comment expressing enjoyment in any way over no comment at all.

And not just on fics, but on general posts as well. It’s hard not to feel… weird and stupid and invasive and rude leaving any sort of comment on someone’s post if I don’t know them at least a little. I have godawful rejection sensitive dysphoria and a lot of interactions that ended poorly; I’m really not good at people. But as dumb as it feels to say those things, I know I am thrilled and warmed and happier when there’s a reblog with tags or a note or a comment or an ask or just, any small interaction that shows someone out there notices and cares, at least a little. There’s no reason I can’t at least try to offer that to other people.

I’d like to make/run a couple challenges of my own, later in the year. I’m still figuring out what I want to do and what I could do. I’m really interested in doing something that’s not focused on creators, but the readers; some sort of comment or rec challenge maybe.

I want to find a cheerleader for Gotcha. I’m struggling to keep up my motivation to write it when it’s already in my head, where I can ‘read’ it any time. There’s a line between depending too much on external validation and trying to generate all your validation yourself, and I’m getting to a point where I think I need to ask for help (gasp! The hardest thing EVER).

(Part Two: Pick Some Fics)

#end of year #unsettled rambles

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cloveroctobers · 4 years

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HENRIK LILJENQUIST—

IG info/Bio: @/adventuresbyhenrik | 53.1k followers — “imma wild boi🌿🌏🧗 | happily taken👩‍❤️‍💋‍👨

23 (24) years old

Parents are both Swedish and only speak Swedish, leaving henrik to also become fluent

His father Halvi is a pilot

His mother Lova is a race car driver

Siblings? Probably a brother, named Jahan & younger by two or three years + they get along quite well

Born & raised in Isle of Wight, England + loves it there & thinks it’s the best place for him to live, it’s his own private island in his mind plus he’s always finding something to do. He stays active

Climbing & wilderness survival instructor, he gets to talk as much as he wants while also teaching people AND all while being active! Sounds like the perfect job for him

Probably developed ADHD around his pre-teen age, leaving his parents to find him something he enjoys + can slow down and focus on

used to be on meds for it

Was well-known in high school, probably in the yearbook club since he was able to run around & get to know people but was kinda shit at knowing the functions of a camera

His selfie game has gotten a lot better now but he mostly posts anything but his face. You’ll see more of his face on his stories & location shots on his feed

Feels his hair is his best physical feature & his prized possession, would never THINK about cutting it. Even just a trim is a bit much for him

Always tries to be positive but at the same time can be condescending since he sometimes won’t pick his words wisely ex.) when he gave MC a backhanded “compliment” about makeup, being active, + wanting them to “think of others ” feelings — just because someone is opposite from you doesn’t mean you have to shit on the way they carry themselves...that’s my issue with him

maybe he’s a Taurus?

Loves fall & spring, more so fall since that’s when the weather feels nicest to him plus allergy season is a REAL bitch

The guy’s real Adventurous & always managing to find something to do. If you’re ever bored just hit him up, he has plenty of recommendations

Family owns a cottage & he’s the one who goes out there more than his own family does! “You should just sell it to me at this point!” He tells his parents over dinner often & it is strongly considered

Has five birds & a husky, when he goes on road trips they’re always with him. Which can get a little hectic at times but they’re his family, he’s a, “birdog dad”

BLAKE secretly dislikes them all, feeling like they take up space sometimes (especially when she wants to cuddle) but she deals with it since she cares for the guy — yes, they’re still dating

She’s been convincing him to cut a few inches off of his hair which he took like a slap in the face, “that’s like me asking you to quit speaking up for humans!” “No, no it’s not.”

They’re polar opposites with flaws which causes disagreements between the two of them by putting each other in their places but they learn to compromise? (*insert eartha Kitt gif laughing here*] if they want this to work

His mother seems to be the only one who dislikes blake (she strongly feels he should have bought MC back home...that’s right she watched the show from time to time. Not always since she doesn’t care for reality tv but her friends encouraged her to watch bits and pieces) while his dad and brother approve

It is tense when Blake and his mom are in the same room which makes Henrik sad since he believes Blake deserves a chance. He took a chance on her and it seems to be going pretty well so why couldn’t his mother just be happy for him like the rest of the family is?

Henrik loves his low-maintenance girls who are open to trying new things with him, Blake is usually down most of the time but she likes her personal space too..which henrik struggles to understand

He wants her to live with him, he’s sure his parents will let him have the cottage if Blake decides to live with him but Blake loves her freedom in Kingston

It’s hidden but I feel like he might be one of those guys that feels like “a woman should follow a man” since that’s what his father installed into his boys— which failed because his wife isn’t just a housewife, she has goals and went after them

I feel like Blake turns to social media almost always to post about her feelings (I can’t remember what I picked the first time around as my occupation but as I’m currently playing I picked human rights campaigner so) but it’s mostly subtle shade & it always goes recognized by fans which brings drama between her, mc x Bobby

Henrik jumps in because what kind of guy would he be if he didn’t have his gf’s back? Doesn’t care for the drama but he & Bobby usually said slick shit to each other in the villa, it’s safe to say they’re not really friends but they’re not enemies either that’s mostly between their gf/wife

Henrik doesn’t care enough about Bobby to dislike him but he won’t put up with his shit any longer and what easier way to do that than online? He feels like they can settle this with a phone call but Blake & MC aren’t with the shits and don’t want their men speaking to each other

Henrik & Bobby eventually have a chat in secret anyways

Henrik warns Blake that this can effect her job status if she doesn’t calm down since she uses social media for her cause

She usually knows when to stop but can’t help it if it slips out sometimes

They talk it out and move on usually with whatever fun idea henrik may have

Owns a ford bronco from the 90’s that used to be his uncle’s who builds tree houses for a living and is still running, a jeep gladitor, or some sort of pickup truck

Knows how to make the best apricot jam

All about saving the bees

Loves animals, probably on his journey to veganism if he’s not already there

We all know this fucking guy likes eating M0sS

“Embarrassing fact” but uh big fan of twilight, feels like Seth Clearwater and him are meant to be best buds but he also stans the Volturi 😷

Him and Lucas of course remained the best of mates, since they live 2 hrs away from each other and are always busy living their lives they always have to plan out when they can hangout but that fails 60% of the time when henrik pops up at Lucas’ job or at his flat not giving him a choice but to hang out

They’re always vacationing together too? Sure Henrik is his own version of low-key while Lucas likes a bit of luxury...they still find a balance to just have a good time regardless if they live different lifestyles...they’re basically married

Always texting if they’re not hanging out, henrik with his memes that Lucas doesn’t understand & Lucas just checking in on henrik’s well being which leads the conversation to many topics

He’s actually cool with Gary now? They like/comment on each other’s posts & even text here and there

Even ran into Rocco once on a road trip, that was interesting but when life gives you lemons...we’ll just say that

Even him and Ibrahim share recommendations through text or DM’s which is nice! Henrik is always down for friends even tho they’re not like his personal friends (except for Lucas, he fits into his criteria)

Most of his work is physical and talking but he goes the extra mile by hiking every Sunday either with his friends, Blake, or family — he’s genuinely likes being one with nature

If he’s at the cottage, he’s always outside, chopping extra wood, making sure the yard looks like it belongs on a magazine, or takes the boat out on lake to nap since he doesn’t like to fish as much anymore

Currently trying to grow strawberries but some animal keeps eating them :/

Adores adventure time, the x-files, bobs burgers + animal planet, and travel channels—like he’s a real dad

If he could shower outside everyday, he would, it’s such a freeing experience to him

His outings consist of being in the woods 24/7 so in his mind when he brings Blake out there with him, it’s a version of a date, whenever they spend time together is a date to him, which she has to remind him that she wants to do something different like getting dressed up every now and then + go out to dinner which he HATES but he’ll do his best to please her, as long as the restaurant is more earthy than snobby he’s okay

100% would survive the apocalypse, he knows how to make due with what he’s got, he’s always been that way

Enjoys rom-com’s so he’ll laugh at how cringe they are but still enjoy it, indie films, ALITA was the best film of 2019 to him & currently his fav film is, “the call of the wild” with Harrison Ford

His favorite films ever are Indiana Jones, Lara Coft: Tomb raider, Terminator, and I am legend

Aliens ARE real, they’re out there and he’ll be part of the reason they’ve been exposed

I feel like he wanted to be an astronaut growing up but then realized he’d be a confined space for long periods of time and said cancel that shit lol + he isn’t the greatest at science. History? He did real well in that subject

I think he loves Lorde, listens to Bon Iver—especially on early morning commutes to work, Rex Orange County, Omar Apollo, Joji, the nbhd, the driver era, kid cudi...yktfv

Celeb crushes?/types: The main girls from Charlie’s angels 2019, Alexa PenaVega... “you know Carmen from spy kids?” Diana silvers, Dove Cameron, JAMIE CHUNG, & VANESSA HUDGENS

Anthem = Wallows, “OK”

#litg #litg2 #litg s2 #litg henrik #litg au #litg headcanon #litg headcanons #litg Blake #litg Lucas #litg bobby #litg mc #edited cause I wasn’t aware the mans was actually Swedish oops

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sage-nebula · 4 years

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Game Review — Final Fantasy: Crystal Chronicles Remastered Edition

About seventeen years ago, I played a Gamecube game called Final Fantasy: Crystal Chronicles, and for the most part I really loved it. I got lost in every single dungeon all the time, and I really hated the annoying moogle I had to drag around, but other than that I loved the game. So it makes sense, then, why I would be excited when I heard it was getting a remastered release on Switch.

Overall Score: 6/10

While I was happy to get a chance to play this game again, I feel like Square-Enix whacked both of its kneecaps in two different ways. One, they did a remaster instead of a remake, meaning they just gave it a little polish instead of fixing existing issues; and two, they decided for some reason to port it to mobile phones, which I feel created some issues, though I admit I don’t have any proof of that. While I still enjoyed my time with the game for the most part, it definitely receives a lower score than I think I would have given the original in my youth. More details under the cut, best viewed on my blog for formatting.

The Pros:

This isn’t specific to the remaster, but rather more about the game itself, but one thing I think is notable about the setting is that it’s essentially a post-apocalyptic story, but it’s one where the people haven’t completely fallen into despair and ruin. I mean, some places have; there’s a village called Tida whose caravan never returned and so they all died slow deaths of miasma as their crystal’s protection ran out. But in other villages, including the player’s hometown, people are living their lives as best they can. Some people are even trying to find a way to get rid of the miasma altogether. While of course there is much to stress about and also people’s memories being taken from them, overall the world looks a bit brighter than in most post-apocalyptic stories. It’s always nice when post-apocalyptic stories recognize that even after the end, life still goes on.

I’ve also always rather enjoyed the way the way the game constantly reminds you that you’re not the only caravan out on this journey. You encounter caravans from other towns and villages pretty often, and their stories intersect with yours, growing as the in-game years pass. It’s another thing that makes the world feel alive, because you see again and again that there are other heroes out there, heroes of their own stories, that you’re just one of many in this world trying your best to get by and keep your village alive.

The soundtrack is also something that deserves praise, because it has a very . . . Celtic, I think? flair to it that really suits the setting, especially since the narrator has (what I believe is) an Irish accent. I can’t think of a single bad song in the entire game, and many of them are catchy and bouncy and fun to listen to.

After each little cutscene or dungeon, you get an entry added to the in-game journal, and I enjoy those as well. It helps keep track of the little side stories going on (since they span over years), and I like how some of them change depending on the choices you’re given in any given cutscene. That said, I do have a slight issue with them as well, but I’ll discuss that in a different section.

If you play single-player, the game assigns a moogle named Mog to carry the crystal chalice through the dungeons with you so you don’t suffocate due to the miasma. (In multiplayer, another player has to carry it.) This results in Mog getting tired, saying, “I’m tired, kupo, it’s your turn!” and making you carry it sometimes anyway, even if you’re being chased by monsters. When I played this game as a kid, it seemed like he was saying this EVERY FIVE SECONDS and it was THE MOST annoying thing. But it didn’t feel as frequent this time, and when I looked it up, I saw that the devs actually did extend the amount of time Mog could carry the chalice before he got tired. I appreciated this very much, even if Mog was still annoying.

The Neutrals:

From what I can tell, there wasn’t really a graphics overhaul done, except to increase the jiggle physics on female Selkies, which . . . I’m not a prude, I don’t really care that much (even though it can be distracting), but of all the things you chose to fix, it was this? Square-Enix, please.

While on the one hand I like that there’s no set order that you can encounter the random travel cutscenes in, that they can happen whenever, because it makes it feel like a more realistic journey . . . it also creates the problem that the events will still trigger even if you’re already finished the associated quest line. For example, to get the Unknown Element that lets you reach the final boss area, you have to complete a series of actions in Lynari Desert. You find out what you have to do through a series of travel cutscenes with a swindler named Gurdy, who gives you poem verses that strongly hint at what you need to do. I had a few of these before I reached the desert, but not all of them, so I just looked up a guide to get the remainder of the instructions. Despite this, I still later triggered the final Gurdy cutscene, and so it was like my character was standing there with the desert treasure while Gurdy told her about the desert treasure . . . it’s not a huge deal, but it does show how the idea of having random travel cutscenes is kind of flawed. (Additionally, you can beat the game without even finishing certain stories as a result, so it’s entirely possible you could get to Mio and not know who she’s talking about in the end. It’s not game breaking, but it is a bit of an issue too.)

The Cons:

The LOADING TIMES, OH MY GOD. This game has the longest loading times of any game I have ever played on the Switch, and I confirmed with someone who has played the original a billion times that these loading time issues were not present in the original game, meaning they are a direct result of development on the “remaster.” Literally, the game goes to a blank loading screen that lasts a good minute or two for almost everything. For every cutscene you have, any time you leave or enter a place, hell, even QUITTING THE GAME has a “Closing Software” box for FAR LONGER than any other Switch title, to the point where it made me afraid for a moment that my Switch, brand new though it is, was broken. I don’t know why the loading times are so bad, but I personally blame it on Square-Enix wanting to make the game multiplatform (multiplatform including fucking cell phones), thus not optimizing it for any one console. And on a similar note . . .

Online multiplayer is region-locked. Yes, you read that right. Two friends who I’d originally intended to caravan with live in Europe, and since I live in North America, we were unable to play together since Square-Enix decided to region-lock online multiplayer. It is honestly the most batshit stupid thing I have ever heard of. The only reasoning I can think of for why they did this is because of mobile phone support; it’s entirely possible that there is something within a phone’s SIM card that would make it not possible to play multiplayer across different continents, but honestly I have trouble believing even that since I believe that’s not a problem in other mobile games. Either way, the entire point of online play is to be able to play with anyone, no matter where they are, and the fact that in the year 2020 Square-Enix decided it was a good idea to region-lock online play is fucking ridiculous.

A minor complaint, but you can’t use the left joystick to scroll between items in menus. You have to use the little arrow buttons instead. This was also the case in the Switch port of Final Fantasy XII, so I think it’s a Square-Enix preference thing, but it annoyed me and I wish they’d at least give the option to change button configuration around.

There’s backtracking as the years go on that I personally found kind of annoying, especially when it made me go to dungeons I didn’t particularly like. The thing is, the gameplay in FFCC doesn’t have a lot of variance; you go to three dungeons, you fight three bosses, then the year ends and you repeat it the next year. The only real variety is in the dungeons themselves as you get to explore new ones. But in Year 5, you HAVE to repeat dungeons because you’re blocked off from going to new areas. And at a certain point there stops being new dungeons altogether, so you have to repeat dungeons if you want to get myrrh for the village. And yeah, the dungeons are a bit harder each time, but the layout is still the same, and so it made what was already a repetitive style of gameplay even more repetitive, which honestly made me eager to finish it as quickly as possible despite wanting to grind as long as possible when I first got the game because I wanted to avenge my childhood self, who never managed to beat the final boss.

The four different races to choose from all have different styles of gameplay, and you can make multiple characters in one file to fill out your caravan / open specialty shops all around town. The problem is, the only character in the caravan who gets stat boosts and experience from the dungeons is the one who goes through them, and the dungeons get tougher each time they’re completed. So unless you constantly rotate your characters, creating more characters to fill out the caravan and be able to use different play styles per different boss (such as using a Yuke when facing a boss like Dragon Zombie who can really only be affected by magic) is a pointless waste of time because your extra characters won’t be strong enough to face the boss you need them to face. I don’t know if this was an issue in the original, but it’s definitely a disappointing issue here.

While some of the journal entries change depending on your answer choices, I found it disappointing that the journal entries don’t change (or at least don’t always) change depending on what type of character you chose to play as. The specific example I have in mind is that I chose to play as a Selkie, and through the course of the journey I of course traveled to Leuda, which is home of the Selkies. If you choose to play as a Selkie, you can participate in a minigame there and no one will steal from you. Additionally, since you see in various dungeons that Selkies have had a very rough time of it and for the longest time couldn’t put a home base anywhere, I had it in my head that my Selkie character would feel like she returned home, in a sense, even though she personally didn’t grow up in Leuda. I mean, this is the land of her people, this is where Selkie history is richest, this is the reward they got for all the suffering they experienced. (And sort of still do, since the other races tend to be prejudiced against them, and one Selkie in Leuda even says that he thinks everyone else wants Selkies to just disappear.) But despite all of this, the journal entry for Leuda states that the main character had their wallet stolen and never wants to go back. That sort of entry makes sense if you’re playing as one of the other three races, but it doesn’t fit Selkies at all and was pretty disappointing. That’s just one example, but I’m sure there were others, and it would have been nice if a bit more thought was put into play here.

All in all, I still think that Final Fantasy: Crystal Chronicles is a game worth playing. I really like the worldbuilding, as well as the characters, and I did have fun with it. With that said, though, I think that Square-Enix should have given this game a proper remake instead of a remaster, and should have made it a Switch exclusive (just as the original was a Gamecube exclusive) so that they could optimize it for the hardware, instead of being greedy and putting out one that didn’t play very well just so they could make cross-platform money. But despite those issues, if you want a unique action-RPG, I don’t think that FFCC’s remaster would be a bad choice to try out.

#2020 game reviews #final fantasy: crystal chronicles

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atlas-of-a-human-soul · 5 years

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Love me, love me not ~ pt.2

02: When Grayson stakes his claim

Summary: Grayson spends a day with Y/N, heavily recorded by the paparazzi. However, just as the day ends, things get a little hot and heavy.

Warnings: swearing, fluff, angst

Word count: ~ 2.6k

Love me, love me not ~ Series Masterlist

“Why would we go with your car?” Y/N crossed her arms, already on edge with their first outing minutes away and she just wanted the safety and comfort of her car – the familiarity of the pine scent and designated playlists for every opportunity far too appealing to her than the car Grayson offered her.

Sure, she had caught herself staring at the beautiful Porsche in his driveway more than once, the baby blue being her favorite color didn’t help either, however, she wanted a better reason than ‘it looks pretty’ for her to trust Grayson and his driving skills.

“Because if I’m driving, they’ll buy into it easier, especially if we want to make it seem like we’re a little closer than friends. I mean, I rarely let people into my car and my fans will know.” Grayson smirked as her frown deepened, knowing his poorly executed argument had gotten her thinking long enough to assume he was successful.

She swayed back and forth, ever so slightly, almost invisibly to an untrained eye, but Grayson had paid enough attention to notice. She pursed her pink lips, her discontent evident but the crease between her eyebrows had made his stomach flip, now grateful he has a chance to be near such a beauty, such an enigma.

“But if you end up driving me home, I’d have to get a cab to my shoot in the morning. I hate cabs.” She noted, stepping closer as her arms resumed their favorite – crossed over stomach, just under her breasts – position and Grayson had to force himself not to look down, reminding himself to be respectful.

“What if I stayed over? That way, they’d get a shot of me in front of your building and they’ll fill in the blanks. And then I can drive you myself?” Grayson counters, realizing this is how it’s going to be – negotiating every move they make, regardless if they’re making it alone or as a couple. But his words lit her up, the cute crease between her eyebrows disappearing as her face softened and her disgruntled worry turned to a weak smile – weak, but genuine.

They sat in the car, a little uncomfortable and unsure of what to do, now too close to run from each other and too close to not acknowledge they'll need to learn how to live with one another.

“Where should I go?” Grayson questioned, leaving it up to her as her team probably set up a paparazzi trap already.

“Beach. We’re having an ice cream and take a romantic stroll.” She responded, face remaining impassive.

“Should we…Try and be a bit touchy?” Grayson asked, carefully as if he’s tiptoeing around shattered glass, waiting to get cut in case he makes a wrong move.

Shrugging, she turned to him, swallowing as she found his beauty compelling. “Sure. If it feels right.”

Grayson felt her burning gaze, finding it hard to concentrate. She observed him, captured in his soft glow – so naturally charming and appealing, genuine and sweet. She couldn’t understand why he needed to resort to this stunt because if he couldn’t get that role on his own, who the hell could? He reminded her of her ex, way before things went downhill. And that wing shaped earring on his ear had made her stomach flip, taking her back to a time when she was just a girl who loved watching a goofy set of twins on her screen every Tuesday night. Back then, things were simple. But would she ever admit any of it to him? Probably not. It would cross boundaries and blur lines she preferred to be quite clear. It would save them both some grief.

But then he turned to her and she nearly gasped. His eyes were the softest brown infused with green, as if he held the new spring growth inside. They were the forest ground and the gentle flowers, somewhere to rest and breathe. And she knew she had to look away and end her infatuation.

“If it feels right?” Grayson raised an eyebrow, not as oblivious as she hoped he’d be. He could tell she was looking his way, even more, he could tell she liked what she saw. But he decided not to call her out on it, letting it go for now.

“You’ll know. Trust me.” She smiled, glancing back at him, catching his eye for a moment longer before looking down on her phone. “The paparazzi are there. You probably won’t see them right away, but they’ll be around. So, hold my hand and smile softly, try to act like your life depends on it, because it does. In a way.” She instructed, giving him a fair warning. And he believed her. He knew she was already a pro in Hollywood, even if she’d say otherwise due to her one year tenure, but it was better than being a novice like he is.

Grayson parked, taking in a deep breath before putting on a smile. “Wait inside.” Getting out, he made his way around in a few seconds, opening her door like a proper gentleman, offering her his hand to take. She could lie and say she wasn’t surprised by how well he already played the part, but she wasn’t the type.

“Impressive, Dolan. I like your style.” She took his hand, her cold one bringing a chill down his back as he closed the door behind her and locked the door with a single click. Intertwining their fingers, Grayson smiled at her, bringing their hands up to press a chaste kiss on the back of hers, bringing out that blush he had craved to see ever since it faded.

“Very convincing.” She leaned into him, her hair tickling his arm even through the fabric of his shirt – one that’s a bit too fancy for a beach date and would guarantee him to drown in sweat, but it matched the look he wanted to have – sophisticated with a touch of sugar daddy.

“I already see the flashes.” He spoke through a smile, trying to remain impassive to the situation, but he couldn’t. He knew this would be a norm after he made it, but it wasn’t a very lovable part of his job. He was chased after by fans before, but paparazzi was never a concern. Until now.

They walked into the ice cream shop, Grayson pressing his lips together as he looked for something to get, while Y/N didn’t have a dilemma. She had pressed her face against the glass like a kid, playful for the first time since he had met her and he couldn’t help but wonder if that’s who she really is or if this was all for show.

“I want the cherry one mixed with the yogurt one and sprinkles on top, in a cup please!” She ordered, straightening her back as she clapped her hands in excitement, looking back on Grayson who had a hard time looking away. A part of her was smug about it, knowing she’s left a lasting impression on him and he clearly liked her – a girl can always tell. Especially when the guys like Grayson have one of those hearts that easily feel for others. She already knew he’s a romantic one, bringing to life all the times she talked to her best friend about meeting him one day and wondering if he’d ever give her a second look.

Well, she had her answer now.

A smile flashed across her face from beneath reams of hair. It created slight dimples and creases that made Grayson almost breathless. Even though it was gone quickly, it was still there. She dipped her head down; never someone to be loud or extroverted despite her image. That was something he already appreciated in so many ways because she just got on with it and never needed anyone else’s validation. She was fierce and yet still so soft about it, a rare combination. Casting her eyes to the side, Grayson could see the shape of her face like a silhouette. It gracefully moved up and over her cheek bones then slanted sharply at her mouth.

“He’ll have a dairy free option.” She told the young girl behind the counter, already taking over his order since he remained quiet for too long.

“We only have chocolate.” The girl frowned, making Grayson nod.

“Chocolate is fine.” He took the cup and paid for them both, noticing her lips part to remark his choice only for them to seal a moment after, replaced by smile.

He couldn’t place his arm around her, busy with the tiny spoon and chocolate goodness, but he could walk close this time around, leading her to a distant rock, rather close to the shore.

“Did you mind me ordering for you?” She asked, a little frail in comparison to her usual sturdy, very certain self.

“No. Kind of shocked you knew I’m lactose intolerant, but that’s all.” Grayson shot her a smile, one that seems so genuinely sweet with just the right touch of shyness that sent an unexpected warmth crashing through her body.

“Did my research.” She quipped, trying to stop the almost lovey dovey talk he wanted to start.

Sitting down, they ate their ice cream in peace, watching the crashing waves as they hit the rock they were perched on, silent and very well aware they weren’t alone. A flash would come through every few minutes, especially when Y/N leaned her head on Grayson’s shoulder.

“Wanna take that stroll now?” Grayson is the first to speak. He got down first, taking on a daring task when he placed his hands on her hips, pulling her down with him as she squealed. She had both palms plastered against his chest, his heart beating wildly for her to feel as she giggled, clearly surprised by his chivalry.

“Thanks.” She brushed back a loose strand of hair from her face, smiling up at the guy she would be stuck with for a while…not stuck with, no…she’d just be with him…they’ll just be.

“Yeah, didn’t want you taking the jump. It was kind of iffy for me too.” Grayson sneaked a hand around her waist, pulling her into his side before placing it over her shoulder, his hand open, his fingers fanned out casually. Y/N saw the perfect opportunity, lifting her left hand up, her fingers filling the empty places between his and while he seemed startled, Grayson felt his heart jump with the action.

Walking together at sunset, smiling, they were picture perfect target for everyone who recognized him and the photos were already surfacing online from fans who were quite honestly shocked by the pairing.

“You do realize I can only get you an audition. The casting director owes me, but you need to nail this on your own.” She told him, noticing the way he bit his lip in response, clearly a sign of anxiety. “Which is why I could give you pointers, if you’d like?” She offered shyly, unsure if she’s doing it to keep her end of the deal or if he just wanted more time with him. Probably a bit of both.

“Y-yeah, that – that would be great!” Grayson stuttered, not expecting her to ever want to help or spend extra time around him, but she did and he couldn’t quite believe his ears. His hand released hers as he stepped before her, grabbing her so suddenly she yelped so loudly the cameras caught it. He had pulled her in and up, twirling her around so easily, as if she weighed as much as a feather, his grin so wide as her hands came down on his shoulders to keep herself steady, a pure smile appearing on her lips as well.

Lowering her back to the sand, they were both out of breath and giggly, her hands clutching his clothes before giggling once more, resuming their previous position, a little closer this time around. They walked back to the car, getting inside, more sure this alliance was a good one than before.

“If you listen to me, I think you’ll get it.” She said as she put her seatbelt on, watching him do the same – safety first. She typed in her address into his GPS, leaning back into her seat.

“I mean, they don’t call me Mercy for nothing.” She locked the door manually, more free and comfortable than she was when they first came here and definitely chatty in comparison.

“Why do they call you that?” Grayson asked, because no matter how hard he looked, he never found out why. It seemed like one day, the nickname appeared and just stuck.

“My boy – ex boyfriend called me that in an interview because every audition I ever went to ended up with a callback and eventually an official offer for the role. He said the rest of the people going against me are begging for mercy whenever I show up and I always knock ‘em down. My team heard him say it and it stuck.” She shrugged, pressing her lips together as her eyes dropped to her lap instead of ahead or toward him. Grayson was no fool, he could tell she was having a hard time talking about it – either the nickname or the ex.

“Do you mind me calling you Y/N, instead?” He asked, wondering if he had called her Mercy at all that day.

“Nope. I think the nickname is dreadful. Never liked it.”

Finally home, Grayson and Y/N thought they were in the clear, however, they were very wrong. The moment they stepped out of the car, they were instantly surrounded by fans and paparazzi, forcing Grayson to wrap his arms around Y/N in order to keep her at a safe distance.

They called out for them : Grayson and Mercy, some even using the newly formed ship name – Mayson, but what really got them wasn’t the crowd that building security had stopped from following them, rather a tall man standing in front of her building – her ex-boyfriend – Henry Cavill.

“What are you doing here?” Y/N hissed out, feeling her blood turn to poison as Henry stepped closer, stopping once Grayson stepped in front of her – a shield to keep her from him.

“I see you’ve found yourself a new one? One more guy to screw over?” Henry spoke quietly, just enough for the pair to hear, but the crowd couldn’t.

“Don’t talk to her like that.” Grayson’s face darkened, visibly clenching his jaw as he felt heat rush to his head.

“Oh, please. You won’t last.” Henry waved his hand back, as if Grayson was a leaf and he the wind that will send him flying. “She’s had a real man and she’ll want a man again. You’re probably some pathetic PR stunt for her.” Henry’s words had brought up something Grayson had tried really hard to control and repress every day. It was a constant battle for Grayson to keep his anger in check – exercising control in every aspect of his life by working out often, by yoga to keep himself centered, by having chores and early mornings – all to exhaust himself and let the anger go. But Henry had him on edge and lucky for them both, Y/N had senses it, placing her hand on his bawled up fist – the cold bringing his temperature down just enough to breathe in and think properly.

That’s when he turned around – so quickly, his warm hands cupping her face as he leaned down, smashing his lips onto hers, and staking his claim.

Tags: @xalayx @dolandolll @godlydolans @dolanstwintuesday @anything-dolan @peacedolantwins @maybgrayson @nowheredolan @graydolan12 @beautorigin @justordinaryjen @starrydolan @pitreshawn @grays-laugh

#grayson dolan #grayson dolan x reader #grayson dolan series #dolan twins #grayson dolan fanfic #grayson dolan fluff #grayson dolan fanfiction #grayson dolan fic #grayson dolan x y/n

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pulaasul · 4 years

Text

Rairyu - IRL 3

[lit. Thunder Dragon] Ryuji and Futaba promised to meet in Sword Art Online with Ryuji going in first to scout for suitable grinding areas. However, before Futaba could get into the game, Sojiro stopped her and revealed to her the status of Sword Art Online as a Death Game. [Prologue is an entry for #kissryujiday]

C1 I C2 I C3 I C4

AO3 I FFN

---------------

A few weeks had passed since Futaba's suggestion of hacking into the NerveGear's codes.

Ren was getting frustrated at the fact that they were stuck waiting for her to hack into it. He just can't stand the fact that Ryuji was inside the game without getting any help from anyone.

"Ryuji may be an idiot academically." Morgana started as he popped out of the bag. "I trust that he can take care of himself." He assured his friend. "He has street smarts to back himself up."

"I know Ryuji can take care of himself." Ren nodded. "I'm just frustrated."

"You know we can't rush putting Sophia into SAO." Morgana reminded. "We don't know the risks involved."

"Morgana-san is correct Ren-san." Sophia agreed. "For me to be a good friend to people, I also need to assess the consequences of every action."

"Let's just be glad that Sophia, Zenkichi and Sumire have now been made aware of Ryuji's situation." Morgana offered.

"Are there any progress on your front Futaba?" Ren asked as soon as he stepped inside LeBlanc.

------------------

"It took some days to discover the hardware's codes and more days to connect them to the software's codes." Futaba began. "But I managed to decrypt them and see what they can do." She answered. "It turns out, Kayaba was telling the truth."

"What do you mean?" Anne frowned.

"Kayaba was not hiding any remote kill switch in the NerveGears." Futaba answered. "The worst he could he can do is shutdown the entire SAO server and kill all of his hostages." She added. "Or maybe reroute the hostages' consciousness into another virtual world where they remain unconscious IRL."

"What's stopping him from shutting down the servers entirely?" Makoto's eyes frowned in contemplation. "What's stopping him from killing thousands of hostages in one blow?"

"Can we really trust someone like Kayaba?" Haru voiced her concern. "If we put in Sophia inside the game, there is a chance that he could pull the plug and kill every hostage down."

"Not if he's not monitoring the game himself." Futaba snickered at her discovery.

Ren looked at the other occupants of the café, which mostly consisted of the former Phantom Thieves who were intently listening on Futaba's discover, gauging everyone's reactions.

He could almost smile at everyone's worry over Ryuji. It was true that some of them found his best friend annoying, being the loudmouth and brash person that he is.

Somehow, someway that lovable punk had wormed his way into each of their hearts. Sooner or later, he was found to be endearing, his brashness can be seen as a manifestation of his loyalty, sincerity and caring nature towards his friends and family.

"You see as I was hacking into my NerveGear, I noticed something peculiar." Futaba shared. "I had already pre-loaded the game that morning so that I can get into the action immediately."

Ren's eyes narrowed and the girls gasped as they realized the implications of Futaba's reaction

"I didn't log in, just loaded it." Futaba immediately assured as soon as she saw the reactions her friends donned. "I hacked into SAO's codes and found something interesting."

"Interesting, how?" Ren questioned.

"There's a system in place that manages everything in the virtual world." Futaba informed. "I haven't been able to even get a peek at the things this system can manage, but most probably everything." She continued. "Most probably, Kayaba won't even notice that someone hacked and logged into the game."

"Do we risk Ryuji's and everyone else's lives?" Yusuke asked. "There is still a chance that the worst will happen."

Everyone fell silent at the question.

"If Kayaba is indeed not monitoring the game itself." Sophia voiced out. "Then there's also a probability that the system in place would not notice I am inside." She offered. "Not unless I do something that would notify it of my presence."

"What happens if you get discovered?" Anne asked the girl inside the phone.

"She'd simply be kicked out of the game." Futaba answered. "Sophia is not an internal program that the system in place could just rewrite or delete."

"I suggest you consult Sakamoto-san for your answer." Sae offered as she went inside the café. "Every step you take involves the life of her son, in that sense, she has every right to know of your plans."

"Nijima-san is right." Sojiro voiced out as he went inside the café as well. "But we're not here for that."

"What?" Ren immediately went on alert.

"What happened?" Makoto asked her sister.

"The Kirijo group is moving a number of the SAO players to another hospital." Sae answered. "To free up some room for other patients." She explained.

"Are they doing it for free?" Ren immediately asked.

"The families of the SAO players would work at any Kirijo group affiliated stores and establishments." Sojiro answered. "If you lot are fast enough, you might still be able to catch up."

Everyone immediately dashed outside of the store. They all piled into separate vehicles and sped their way to the hospital were Ryuji was admitted.

------------------

The former Phantom Thieves rushed to the hospital where Ryuji was admitted and there they saw Ryuji's mother talking to a regal woman with red hair.

"I assure you Sakamoto-san, your son will be taken care of." The red haired woman gave her assurance to Ryuji's mother.

"Kirijo-sama this hospital is near to the places I work for and near to my house." Ryuji's mother reasoned. "I don't have enough time to add working for the Kirijo group on top of looking out for my son."

"Mitsuru-senpai let me take over." A woman in pink volunteered.

"Very well Yukari." Mitsuru conceded.

"Sakamoto-san right? I'm Yukari Takeba." The woman in pink introduced herself.

"That's Yukari Takeba!" Futaba hissed. "What is she doing here?!"

"Futaba keep it down." Makoto chided.

"S-sorry." Futaba apologized, head downcast.

"It's fine." Ren comforted the youngest person in the group. "Keep your enthusiasm low for the moment alright?"

"I understand your hesitation with regards to moving your son to a new facility." She smiled. "However don't you think it's beneficial if you just worked for one shift, that way you can take care of your son and yourself at the same time?"

Ren couldn't help but feel that something was wrong here. He knew that the Kirijo group could give Ryuji and anyone the best possible care if necessary. However, the Kirijo group's insistence on placing his best friend under their care was suspicious, and he wasn't going to stand for that.

"What about the jobs I took?" Ryuji's mother asked. "Resigning now with immediate effectivity would look badly on my record."

"Isn't your son's well being more important than your record at your workplace?" Yukari offered.

"Sakamoto-san already declined the offer." Ren voiced out, walking inside the room full of unconscious SAO players. "What is with the insistence to place her son under your care?"

"Ren-kun." Ryuji's mother gasped. "You don't need to do this."

"Ryuji's not here to do this himself." Ren smiled at his best friend's mother. "We'll do it in his stead."

As if on cue, the other former Phantom Thieves went inside the room and stood behind their friend's mother and their leader.

"I was wondering when you lot would reveal yourselves." Mitsuru announced. "Phantom Thieves of Hearts."

"Wha-"The former thieves were caught off guard at the declaration.

Ren was the only one whose identity was announced.

Wary, the Phantom Thieves subtlety moved themselves to surround their leader and Ryuji's mother, bracing themselves for what's to come.

"Since you are his mother Sakamoto-san" Mitsuru sighed. "You have every right to know about this."

"Are you sure Mitsuru-senpai?" Yukari questioned.

"Narukami has made his uncle aware of his abilities." Mitsuru offered. "As did Shirogane."

"That was due to their circumstances, right?" Yukari asked. "Yu-kun was forced to tell his uncle when he was put under suspicion for the serial kidnappings that took over Inaba." She started. "Naoto-kun had to tell her grandfather when she started to work for the Kirijo group."

"Yes, that is true." Mitsuru nodded. "However, I must take away Sakamoto's freedom to inform his mother of his abilities due to the current circumstances."

"What abilities Kirijo-sama?" Ryuji's mother asked. "My son's leg is broken, what other abilities could he possibly have that's not been taken by that perverted teacher?"

The former Phantom Thieves of Hearts looked at each other.

"Your son has the power of Persona." Mitsuru revealed. "As do the children behind you." She gestured.

Ryuji's mother looked at her son's friends in disbelief.

"Persona?"

The Phantom Thieves tried their best not to look affected at the reveal of their powers. If the Kirijo ever noticed the surprise in their actions, she never showed it.

"Impossible!" Morgana bellowed out. "There shouldn't be other Persona-users!"

"Simply put, a Persona is a mask used to face hardship." Mitsuru explained. "The Kirijo group once dabbled in experiments about Personas and Shadows, the opposite of Personas, and the few who exited the company were involved in those as well."

"I still don't see why you are insistent on taking Ryuji away." Ren challenged.

"Those people had experimented on people in the name of that power." Mitsuru answered. "We fear that if they discovered that one of Sword Art Online's players was also a Persona-user, he could be experimented."

"Especially now that he's unconscious." Yukari supplied. "He has no agency to refuse or even defend himself from the experimentation."

"How do we know that you aren't going to experiment on Ryuji yourselves?" Makoto stepped forward.

"Because the Kirijo group has stopped performing those kinds of experiments." Mitsuru answered.

"And also the fact that we can use them." Yukari supplied.

"Are you saying that you have the capacity to protect Ryuji from these would be assailants?" Yusuke challenged.

"Ye-"

"As much as I wish to say yes." Mitsuru cut off Yukari's answer. "I cannot completely guarantee his safety."

"Mitsuru-senpai." Yukari looked at her best friend.

"We will still protect him with the best of our abilities regardless." Mitsuru continued.

"Takeba-san mentioned that you can use your Personas." Futaba stepped forward, just behind Ren. "How do you even know the existence of Personas?"

"Futaba's right." Morgana praised. "Only the people who ventured inside the Metaverse can summon their Personas." He added. "As far as I know, we've only encountered people who awakened to their Personas right in front of us, barring Akechi."

The other thieves looked at Morgana as his head peaked out of the bag slightly to observe the events.

Mitsuru and Yukari looked at their immediate surroundings. No one was inside the room that wasn't related to one Ryuji Sakamoto.

"Fujisaki." Mitsuru called out. "Can you and your men step out of the room and proceed to the floor below for a moment?" She requested.

"As you wish Kirijo-sama." One of the men bowed then ushered everyone from the Kirijo group out of the room.

As soon as the Kirijo group employees left the room, Mitsuru produced a silver handgun.

The thieves' eyes widened at the firearm that was smuggled inside the hospital. Ren immediately pulled Ryuji's mom behind him as the other thieves got into a fighting stance.

Mitsuru suddenly pointed the gun at her head.

"Wha-!"

"Artemisia!" Mitsuru yelled as she pulled the trigger.

A gunshot was heard as an elegant woman with a whip appeared behind the Kirijo. The thieves were in awe at the sheer display of power. While Ryuji's mother gasped at the scene before her.

Ryuji's mother covered her face with her hands in fear and there was no doubt a lot of questions that ran through the elder Sakamoto's brain.

Ren looked at the gun and sure enough there was smoke coming out of the barrel but the Kirijo was still standing and wasn't bleeding from her temple.

"Incredible!" Morgana stared at the Persona in awe. "She's able to summon her Persona in the real world!"

"You must be thinking how am I able to use my Persona while in the real world and not inside a shadow nest." Mitsuru voiced out the unspoken question. "And depending on circumstances, Sakamoto-san may not be able to see my Persona."

The Phantom Thieves looked at their friend's mother expectantly. The Kirijo's words filled them a lot of questions.

"I-I can see the woman that just appeared." Ryuji's mother answered.

"But how?!" Anne exclaimed.

"I must agree." Yusuke nodded. "Personas shouldn't be usable in the real world."

"What Mitsuru-senpai used was an evoker." Yukari answered. "An evoker is needed to summon our Personas in the real world." She continued as she looked at the flabbergasted faces in front of her. "I can't really explain why the Evokers are shaped like guns." She admitted.

"It is possible to summon our Personas in the real world through sufficient training." Mitsuru answered some unspoken questions. "However the training necessary can be arduous and time consuming." She sighed. "It is still easy to summon our Personas using the evoker."

"If they can use their Personas, they must also be used to battle shadows." Morgana voiced out. "If what their saying is true, then maybe they can protect Ryuji."

"Is it just me or am I really hearing a cat meowing?" Yukari voiced out.

"It's not just you Yukari." Mitsuru answered. "I've been hearing those meows as well."

"Crap!" Futaba cussed.

"Please bring forth the other Persona-user in your midst." Mitsuru stated.

Morgana climbed out of Ren's bag and sat on his shoulders.

"Another animal huh?" Yukari sighed. "It just makes me miss Koro-chan more."

"You knew?!" Futaba pointed a finger at both ladies.

"I only knew that the number of Persona users in my scan do not match the number of people I'm facing." Mitsuru shook her head. "I did not know that the missing Persona-user was a feline."

"I'm not a cat!" Morgana hissed.

"From the hissing, I can tell he's uncomfortable."

"He's saying he's not a cat." Futaba translated. "So you can't really hear what he's saying."

"Are you saying that you can understand your cat?" Yukari exclaimed. "H-how?!"

"Let's skip the details for now Yukari." Mitsuru ordered. "Let's come back another day and transport the other patients, they only have two hours before their NerveGears' kill switch activates."

"Wait." Ren called hesitantly. "If you can summon your Persona." He walked towards Mitsuru's position. "Can you let us talk to Ryuji?"

"Ren." The thieves looked at their leader.

"Please?" Ren bowed in front of the Kirijo woman.

Mitsuru smiled at Ren's action.

"Yukari, you can go on ahead and oversee the transfer." Mitsuru ordered. "Tell Akihiko and Iori that I'll be with them shortly."

"Should I tell Fuuka as well senpai?"

"Please do." Mitsuru nodded.

The thieves and Ryuji's mother looked at Mitsuru in confusion as she ordered the lady with her to oversee the operation they have at hand.

"Artemisia, also has secondary communication abilities." Mitsuru revealed. "You can talk to your friend for a while."

#ryuji sakamoto #sword art online #ren amamiya #futaba sakura #mitsuru kirijo #sophia #yukari takeba #persona 5 #anne takamaki #morgana #yusuke kitagawa #haru okumura #makoto nijima #rairyu #story

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doof-doofblog · 4 years

Text

"Now You Know How Ashamed I Am Of You!"

Friday 16th October 2020

Hello again everyone! Hope you're have a great day so far! I once again realise I am so far behind but I'm going to try my best to catch up as soon as I can! I'll be reviewing Friday's episode in this post. I'm not going to waste any of your time, let's get right into it!

The previous episode ended with Shirley talking Gray down from setting his house alight with him and the children inside. The episode starts the morning after, Shirley has spent the night on the sofa in Gray's living room. Gray walks in and nudges her awake, he is completely thankful for what she did last night. But Shirley isn't convinced, she knows that if she hadn't come round, he would've set the house on fire. She knows that it wasn't just a moment of weakness, as he says. She knows it was all planned, she understands that he's grieving, but to go to the extent of killing himself and his children, it's plain to see that the grieving Dad isn't coping. Shirley then decides to do something which will hopefully wake him up a bit, she gets her phone and and begins dialling - Gray looks a bit concerned as to what she's about to do. She then reveals that she is going to call the police or the social services, anyone who will take the children away to stop Gray from harming them. Gray pleads Shirley not to make the call, but she gives him an ultimatum, the kids go and live with Karen and Mitch while he gets himself together, or she'll call the social services, it's his choice!

At the Mitchell household, Lola walks in on Phil. It's clear to see that they haven't spoken to one another since Lola revealed everything to Denise about Phil visiting Raymond. Phil gives Lola the cold shoulder as she tries to explain her actions. She even mentions to him that if she had caught Denise doing the same thing, she would've acted in the same way, not just to Phil. Suddenly they're interrupted by a knock at the door, without saying a word, Ellie storms in and gives daggers to Phil. I know it's quite silly to say, but I'm looking forward to seeing their confrontation! Is Phil going to be given a warning to keep his distance? Will he have a battle on his hands?

Meanwhile at the Beale household, it looks as if Kathy has joined a dating app. As Bobby walks in on her and Peter giggling about the whole thing, Kathy reveals that everyone she has seen looks as if they belong in a care home. Bobby warns his Gran to be careful while she's looking through the app, as no one will be as they appear online. Who knows what kind of people she'll come across? Kathy then reveals that she's going to delete the app anyway as she's not had much look, Peter then takes it upon himself to change a bit of her profile. Without her knowing, he changes her age from 70 to 45! Firstly can I just how AMAZING Kathy looks for 70! I had no idea she was that age ... I honestly thought she was a little younger!! How is she going to react when she realises Peter has changed her age?!

Back at the Mitchell's Ellie is making perfectly clear to Phil that he needs to stay away. Phil apologises for lying, but he also admits that it was the only thing he could think of as an excuse for seeing Raymond. She tells him that he has had his chance to see Raymond under false pretences, he now needs to leave them alone considering they have a lot of things to go through "Especially now!" ... when she says those last two words, something doesn't sit right with Phil. What could she mean by that?! As she hurries off, Phil is quick to follow her, asking her what she meant by "Especially now!" ... Phil follows Ellie onto the Square demanding to know what she's talking about, suddenly Denise hears all the racket being made on the Square and she confronts the both of them, it's then that Ellie reveals that Raymond needs a procedure to get some bones pinned and that he's going to be on a waiting list. But before she can say anymore, Jack and Denise jump in to stop Phil finding out anymore information, and Ellie somehow disappears out of the scene.

At the Prince Albert, Shirley is finally catching up with Mick, Linda and Tina. Mick is less than pleased to see his Mother, as Linda makes small talk, informing her that Jean had mentioned that she didn't return home last night. Mick is silent as Shirley explains that she won't be going back to the Slater household due to Stacey being back with the children, it looks as if the Carter family don't really know what to say and it's only when Shirley shouts at them that Linda assures her that she can move in with herself and Mick. He seems less than impressed as he storms out of the club, is Mick blaming his Mum for putting him into care? Probably blaming her for his abuse? As it wouldn't have happened if he was put into care in the first place. Shirley seems upset that her son is avoiding her, she says to Linda "I thought thing we're going to be different this morning. Forgiven. Forgotten?!" Tina clearly has no idea what is going on within her family and its only when she asks that she finds out from Linda that Shirley seems to think Mick's mood has something to do with Frankie's Mum, Katy.

Back at home, Jack is trying to console his girlfriend and explain that once Raymond is discharged from the hospital, Phil will go back to his normal ways and focus on his dodgy deals and motors at the Arches. But Denise doesn't seem to think so, she's convinced that now Phil knows about his son, he's going to do everything in his power to make sure he's involved in the child's life. But Jack seems to reassure her that if Phil ever tries anything, he'll be the one to put a stop to it. As this conversation is taking place, Phil eventually catches up with Ellie, he insists that if Raymond needs any help, if he needs a procedure, he will pay for it! However, without him realising, Lola is watching from a distance. Is Phil going to be making a huge mistake?!

Meanwhile, in the Vic, Martin is catching up with Kush with Lily in tow. Lily is sat at the table playing a game on a mobile phone, at first we're not sure what she's playing and who's phone she's playing on. Martin and Kush are discussing recent events involving the Slater's and Martin and Ruby. Martin asks his best friend why he didn't make an appearance, but Kush assures his friend that he's not playing sides. I guess it's really none of his business who Martin wants to be with, I guess you could say it's just easier for him to play it safe and not be on anyone's side - that way he can still be friends with Martin and still see his son, Arthur. Suddenly Lily pipes up and claims that the phone she's using is rubbish, it's only when Martin takes the phone from her that he sees what she's been playing - Poker on Kush's phone! Martin asks whether or not it's a real game, only we know that in recent weeks that Kush has been playing poker on his phone more and more, it was the way he managed to get the money to pay Suki rent. Kush reassures his friend that it is just an app game, but then when Martin reveals that he's lucky, because Lily had just lost him £5,000! Kush's eyes look in dismay, is he going to be in big trouble now?

Upstairs of the Vic, Sharon is alone cleaning up as we hear footsteps approaching, Bobby has come to see her. Something tells me we're about to see another storyline for Bobby. Recently he's been reminding everyone to keep clean and wash their hands. Is the cause of Covid-19 about to kick off some kind of OCD? Will he find the need the clean absolutely everywhere until he feels in himself that it's safe to carry on with things? He approaches Sharon and offers to clean everything for her for the whole afternoon while she looks after Albie. It's then that Sharon apologises to him for the way Dennis spoke about him, but Bobby is an absolute sweetheart and tells her that whatever Dennis did, it's all in the past and it's been forgotten, Dennis probably didn't mean what he said about him anyway. Sharon thanks the young teenager and leaves him to crack on with his cleaning.

Back at the Atkins household, it looks as if Shirley is waiting for Gray to return. This scene was another brilliant, interesting scene between Linda Henry and Toby-Alexander Smith. Gray is shocked to see Shirley sat in his kitchen, he asks her how she got in and she reveals a set of keys from her pocket. This conversation between them both seems to really hit the nail on the head. Shirley felt like she had to step in and help Gray, she explains to him that she understands how he's feeling because at this moment in time, Mick isn't happy with her. Gray seems interested and asks why. The only thing she says is that this particular scar is taking longer to heal. I think it's then that Gray realises what she's trying to say, if he had gone through with torching the family home, that would've been a scar for his children which probably would never heal for them. It looks as if (maybe) Shirley and Gray have a bit in common, they understand what each other are going through because they have both been made to feel that they can't cope and that they went down the route of making silly decisions and making stupid mistakes! Gray then suggests to Shirley that she needs to say sorry to Mick, no matter how many times it will take, she needs to keep trying! They clearly have a mutual understanding of each other and I like that, it seems like the most two unlikely people, but it really has worked!

Back at the Slater household, Kush is back on his phone. Something is telling me that perhaps he's trying to win back the £5,000 that Lily lost him! Oooo is Lily going to be such a little madam?! She walks in on Kush playing his game and she knows that it was a real game. She informs him that Kat would be unhappy if she knew about him gaming, she even mentions that Kat was angry at Alfie when she caught him coming out of the bookies. Kush tells the little girl never to play on his phone again, but it looks as if she's got one up on him. She throws a magazine onto the kitchen table and informs him that she's wanting a tablet. Is she threatening him? If he doesn't get her the tablet, will she tell Kat and Stacey what he's been up to? Uh-oh! Kush is stuck in the corner now! I know we've not seen much of her recently, but what do you guys think of the new little actress playing Lily? I think I did prefer the previous little girl as she was incredibly cute, but maybe they're going to be taking a different path with Lily - will she become a troublesome child? Who knows?

Meanwhile, it looks as if Phil has made a bank transaction over the phone of £5,000. He's convinced that he's doing the right thing and making the right decision. He catches up with Lola and informs her that everything with Ellie seems to be okay now. He announces that he's on his way to the hospital to go and see Raymond again, Lola seems surprised but Phil seems to inform her that now Ellie is aware of who he is, he doesn't need to pretend or hide anymore. With that he happily leaves to see his son. As they both arrive at the hospital, they find that Raymond's bed is empty. Phil quickly asks the doctor whether he's been moved to another unit and inquires about the treatment Raymond needs. It's only then that the doctor reveals the shocking information that Raymond has been discharged, he's home and he doesn't need anymore treatment! Phil's eyes are wide with shock! It's been a very long time since anyone has pulled the wall over his eyes like that! He knows he's been made a mug of and he's just given Ellie £5,000 for Raymond's supposed treatment! How the heck is he going to find a way out of this one? Will he track her down and get his money back?!

Back at the Carter's, Tina finds Shirley alone and asks where Mick might've got to, but slowly Mick approaches her from behind. Poor Tina, she obviously thinks she's done the right thing to help Mick with his feelings. She reveals she's only gone and found Katy online and she's debating whether to give her a call or not. Does this mean that Katy could be arriving to the Square pretty soon? Mick looks incredibly uncomfortable as Tina shows him the picture of their old friend. He doesn't say a word as he looks as the picture and quickly makes his escape. Shirley follows her son shouting after him, she can see that he's feeling awkward right now. Poor Tina has no idea what is going on in Mick's head, she's left baffled as they both walk away. The last scene of this episode, out on the Square, Shirley catches up with her son. She takes Gray's advice and begins to tell him how sorry she is for putting him into care, for it being Katy raising him instead of her. She's pleading for forgiveness from her son, but something is telling me that it's not what Shirley did that is upsetting Mick, it's coming to terms with him being abused. For a split moment, it looks as if he's going to tell his Mum exactly what is going on in his head, exactly what he's found out and what he's come to the realisation to. However, his words turn very quickly - as he seems to think about his own children and thinks to himself how someone can do that to a child? - Do what exactly? - Sexually abuse them? Put them into care? The whole speech he makes is as if he's speaking about his sexual abuse, but then maybe he does blame his Mother for putting him into care? Then perhaps his abuse wouldn't have happened in the first place! He announces that now she knows how much he is ashamed of her! He walks away and leaves his poor Mum in floods of tears!

I do feel for Shirley right now, I don't think Mick means to take his blame out on his Mum, it's obvious his anger is meant to be towards Katy. How the hell is he going to react when she arrives?! I think it's going to be quite harrowing for the Carter family over then next few weeks, especially Mick! What do you think is going to happen? I promise you all, I will be back tomorrow night following Monday's episode - I feel that I will probably get round to making a post every night this week, just to make sure that I am up to date! I'm sorry if this post is a bit long! I hope you all enjoy the rest of your day, I'll be back tomorrow! Thank you again everyone! xXx

#eastenders #mickcarter #shirleycarter #lindacarter #tinacarter #philmitchell #lolapearce #ellienixon #denisefox #jackbranning #bobbybeale #kathybeale #peterbeale #grayatkins #sharonwatts #kushkazemi #martinfowler #lilyslater

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surveys-at-your-service · 4 years

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Survey #262

WoW will probably start to take over my life again tomorrow oof so expect surveys to slow down some.

What do you wish people wouldn't call you? The only one I don't really like is Girt calling me "kid." He doesn't mean it in a derogatory way or anything like that; he's just always called me that since I was a high school freshman and he was a senior. Now as an adult that's been through things I don't believe anyone deserves, it's kinda weird but more so frustrating as, regardless of his intentions, I somewhat feel belittled. I've never said anything directly about my discomfort, though, so it's my own fault. I just don't want to make him feel bad for doing it for years lmao. What do people say about your name upon learning it for the first time? They don't say anything; my name is very ordinary. Why did you choose the hair length you have? I have a few reasons. The biggest is because I was just bored of average, long hair, and the fact I was at the time having a very hard time with self-care. My hair would get incredibly knotted to where it was hard to even brush it sometimes. Makes me shiver thinking back on it. For my own sanity and ease, it needed to be gone. Also, with how STUPID hot I get, cutting it all off helped with the weight of my hair (it's v thick) but more importantly how hot it made me it the warm months. Zero regrets chopping it all off, omg. If your hair could be ANY color, what would you pick? At this very moment, I really want silver hair. Do you wish your hair was longer or shorter than it is now? It needs a trim. Do you think you're attractive? (It's okay to say yes =P) No; I think I wouldn't look ALL to bad if I lost some more weight (I've literally been on a weight loss plateau for two fuckin years). When I was perfectly healthy, I didn't think I was very pretty even back then, but now that I look back, I feel I was decently pretty. Not gorgeous, but. What is your favorite band? Ozzy Osbourne. :') What is your favorite movie? The Lion King. The second one is like directly behind it. Finding Nemo is also very precious to me. What is your favorite book or magazine? The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton and Johnny Got His Gun by Dalton Trumbo. What is your favorite song? Ugh, this is impossible. I love way way too many. I suppose maybe... "Death Inc." by Motionless In White? Idk. What is your favorite color to wear? Black, duh. If you could visit anywhere in the world, where would you go and why? South Africa because I want to spend time with and take pictures at the Kalahari Meerkat Project and especially pet a Whiskers meerkat. I WILL cry. Meerkats literally changed my life. So many people I wouldn't know... If you got the chance and wouldn't get caught, would you cheat on a lover? NOOOOO the guilt though. Someone drops a fifty dollar bill and doesn't notice. Will you tell them? Definitely. I'd feel awful otherwise. Would you ever pierce something on your face? I already have my lip and tongue pierced, and I did have my nostril pierced, too. I want more, particularly an undereye microdermal if I can switch to contacts... which I don't like. I think it'd look pretty dumb with glasses. Are you selfish? EVERYONE should be to a degree depending on the occasion. Doing what is best for you is not a bad thing. Are you mean to people who are different from you? Wow no. I find people "different" from me interesting. Do you make fun of obese people? By the BMI definition, I am one of those people. So take a guess? Do you eat when you're upset? I have to fight that extremely hard, because I usually do experience the impulse to comfort eat when I'm very depressed. I've gotten way better at it, though. What if you had to choose between feeding yourself or feeding your pets? I honestly don't know for sure what I'd do... but I think I would prioritize my pets, honestly. It would break me to watch them suffer and lose weight. What if you saw someone being beaten on the street? YOOOO I READ THIS AS "EATEN" FIRST. But anyway I'd call the cops ASAP. There's a possibility I'd intervene if I felt myself capable of taking on the assailant. What if it was you being beaten? According to the night terrors I've had beyond count, curse like a motherfucker and fight back while calling for help. Who's the most important person to you (related)? Mom. Who's the most important person to you (non-related)? Sara. What's more important to you, happiness or success? Happiness. What's more important to you, your happiness or someone else's? Depends on the person. List the ten most important things to you: Oh, yikes. No order: 1.) My peace of mind, health, and happiness; 2.) my family; 3.) my pets; 4.) my career future; 5.) my friends; 6.) a YouTuber I've never met lmao; 7.) my pebble from my partial hospitalization program; 8.) Teddy's ashes; 9.) the Mark mug Sara gave me sobs; 10.) and the RP site I'm on. Like if it disappeared tomorrow with all the profiles and history and stuff I would break the earth in half oof. Have you ever lived in a mobile home? No. Have you ever had your bedroom in a basement? No. How many times in the past week have you eaten fast food? Hm. I don't think once. In the house - shoes, socks, slippers or bare feet? Bare feet.\ Do you consider dogs inside or outside pets? Usually indoor, depending on the breed and the time of year. What’s your favourite piece of furniture in your house? ig my bed? Have you ever had a crush on a friend’s parent? Yikes no. Do you prefer carbonated or uncarbonated drinks? Sucker for carbonated over here. Favorite thing that you can see up in the sky? A full moon. Would you rather eat at the table or in your room? I'm so used to eating in my room. Do you like the sound of birds singing when you wake up, or is it annoying? I love it. If someone gave you a kitten, would you keep it? I'd love to, but it'd really be my mom's choice. What’s your ideal activity for a rainy day? Nap oh lawd. Favorite type of cracker? Cheez-Its. Banana sandwich... yum or yuck? Only yum with peanut butter. Animal you like to watch but sort of creeps you out: Spiders. Bagels or English Muffins? Bagels. Do you like to daydream about sex? I do it sometimes. Which of your parents do you laugh more with? My dad is really funny. Have you ever been to an open casket wake or funeral? Wake, yes. Who mows the lawn at your house? A family friend. Have you ever written a story from beginning to end? When I was little and was writing that meerkat story, yes. I started on the sequel but didn't get far. What’s a big turn on for you? Being genuinely interested in what makes me me. Actually wanting to know the littlest things about me. Just show sincere interest. Are you doing anything tomorrow? I do know I'm fuckin finally getting my laptop home. Does your car have a name? N/A Do you own clothes from any celebrity clothing lines? No, but a bitch is getting a Cloak shirt or hoodie at some point. Who was the last person you ranted about? My bitch of a cousin for being a disrespectful fuck when all my dying grandmother wants is to talk as a group with the whole family. I ranted to Mom though, not in the group chat because I'm actually mature enough to not talk shit when, again, all our grandma wants is peace and love between us at the end of her life. I was SEETHING. Know any magic tricks? I don't remember any. I LOOOOOVED those magic kits as a kid, though. Is there music in your head right now? Right now "Dirty Pretty" by In This Moment is on, so does that count as "in my head?" Would you like to become a dancer? It'd be very cool, most certainly, and due to taking dance classes so long, I tend to think of potential dances in my head when I hear like... any song, lol. I'd love to be one if I had the grace and endurance + no hyperhydrosis. Name one person of the same sex as you you wouldn't mind doing: Hunny I'm bisexual, there's a lot, lmao. Dream woman? Uhhhh. Maybe my friend Alon. She was like one of my first hints I wasn't straight, lmao. But idk, I find soooo many women to be attractive. What is the most gory film you've seen? One of the Saw movies. What a surprise, ik. Ever fallen down a hole? ZOINKS no. Do you work better in a clean or messy environment? Clean, durr. Do you know any vegans? Only online. Do you like bananas? I am VERY picky with bananas. They have to be perfect. My preferred ripeness lasts only like, two days. .-. What's a film you've seen that confused you? Oh boy, idk. I don't watch many films... especially if I'm confused and the plot isn't great, I'll stop watching. WAIT!!!!!! NO!!!!!!!! I went to see Warcraft when it came out and I was so fuckin lost just because the orcs' voices are so goddamn deep that I just sat there like "uhhhh sir come again????" I didn't play Classic, and I'm not great at remembering every aspect of the plot, so. I'm to this day p confused lmao. Do you ever wear black lipstick? I really only ever wear black. What is next to your bed? I have a white shelf to my left where I put my meds, a drink, the fan... that kind of stuff. My cat's food bowl is to the right of it on the floor. Are your fingernails dirty? Nope. Have you ever fell for someone believing you could "fix" them? Not for that reason, no. Describe a picture of yourself that you hate: LASKJDLKFJAOWJE my friend took a picture of me eating a hot dog once and joked she was putting that shit on Facebook and it was funny as shit but thank Christ she was in fact joking. Would you rather play a good or an evil character in a play? While I'd love to be the evil one, I'd probably make it too cheesy because I am a BAD actress. Has anybody ever lied to you just to impress you? Story of one of my "best" friendships. What's your favourite shade of blue? Baby blue, probs. Can you remember a world before iPods? I do indeed. On rides to school when I sat in the back, I would bring one of those portable CD players with me to play discs. Where did you go on your last date? I can't remember the place's name... Lume's? Something like that? Breakfast place in Illinois. Do people find you "cute"? It happens sometimes. Who does the best remixes? Oh idk, I don't pay much attention to this. Where do you get your news? Facebook, lmao. What social stigma does society need to get over? What DOESN'T it need to get over???? What was the last photo you took? Probably something funny on Facebook to send to Sara lmao. I will get memes to her some way. What mythical creature do you wish actually existed? As badly as I want to say dragons, I don't think it'd be a great idea, heh... Maybe dryads. What are you interested in that most people aren't? As of recently, TARANTULAS. I've fallen in LOVE with them. What's the most ridiculous thing you have bought? No clue. What sounds hit you with major nostalgia every time you hear them? The gem collecting sound from Spyro. It was my text ringtone on my last phone! I need to move it over to my current one. What was the biggest realization you have had about yourself? I was possibly the bigger villain than Jason in the breakup. But idk. What topic could you spend forever talking about? Gay rights. Which way should toilet paper hang, over or under? In the original patent, it was designed as going over. GMM knowledge. Therefore I find over as correct, BUT I ultimately don't care like... at all. I don't even really notice when I go in the bathroom. Are you usually early or late? Usually slightly early. What do you wish you knew more about? Politics so I could be a more helpful member of society alksdjfka;lw What is the most annoying question you've been asked? It's not really like, annoying I guess, but the closest would be just how frequently people see my lip ring and ask if it hurt. It's incredibly sensitive skin, and even if it wasn't, a needle went all the way through it. Like... guess. News flash: being stabbed hurts, lmao. Like I always explain that it's not awful, but duh, there is pain. What is your favorite milkshake flavor? Yummm chocolate. What was the worst phase in your life? 2020 thinks it's a bad guy, but lemme tell ya, shit's got nothing on 2016. Do you like sprinkles on your ice cream? I hate sprinkles on anything. Just an annoying texture with negligible flavor. The last time you went out to eat - what did you order? It was just a milkshake. Do you have all 32 teeth? I'm missing two wisdom teeth that just never grew in. Do you know how to do the moon walk? Never tried. What is one of your favorite comedy movies? White Chicks. Has anybody ever told you that you have a good singing voice? Yeah. I don't think I do. Onion rings or french fries? Fries. Not an onion ring fan. Who is the best cook that you know? Sara's mom is great, omgggg. She's cooked things I generally don't like yet I wound up enjoying. Can you name 3 different dinosaurs? Let's see: Spinosaurus, stegosaurus, velociraptor. I was a dino kid, man, just gettin' started. *finger guns* What's the largest amount that you can juggle at one time? I can’t juggle. What was your favorite thing to go on at the playground as a kid? I'd daaaash for the swingset. Do you know how much you weighed at birth? How much? Ummm I think 6-something pounds? 7? Where do you spend most of your time at? At home. In my bed. Exciting stuff, y'know. What noise does your favorite animal make? If my memory serves me right, they have over 40 vocalizations, but I'd say barking and chirping are the most ordinary/basic. Have you ever fallen in the toilet when you were little? lol I don't think so. What is the best kind of mac & cheese? I'm a basic-ass Velveeta bitch lmao. Who is your favorite oldies band? Boy oh BOY, you're asking a classic rock/metal addict. Of course it's Ozzy tho. But I love soooo many!! What is your favorite farm animal? Pigs! Do you like to play Monopoly? I'm not a big fan, no. What is the most fun restaurant you have ever been to? I like the vibe of Buffalo Wild Wings. Or I just have good memories there. What size bra do you wear? I'm actually not sure. I haven't bought new ones in a while and I don't think the ones I currently have are the right size anyway. Do you have a ceiling fan in your room? No. Who was your favorite Sesame Street character? I don't remember too well, but I think Cookie Monster? What about Muppet? Idr. What was going through your mind during the presidential campaign? I am sadly paying no attention. What do you think of the Duggar family ( 17+ kids )? Could you handle taking care of that many children? Ew, hell no. I don't believe the number of children warranted in a family should be legally monitored, it's much more difficult than that, BUT RATHER I'm very firm about knowing when it's more than enough. Population control is a thing. NOBODY needs that many kids imo, not even close to that. So far, what is the number one, best decision you have ever made? How has it affected your life? Letting go of Jason/accepting life without him. It has made my life much, much brighter and healthier. Have you reunited with any old friends recently? Was it awkward, or just like old times? No. When was the last time you talked to your first ex? February of 2017. Wow... been a long time. How different is your online personality from your offline personality? I am MUCH more outgoing and talkative online. What are your favorite holiday-themed movies? Jim Carrey's How The Grinch Stole Christmas, Hocus Pocus, The Nightmare Before Christmas, etc... Do you listen to Christmas/winter-themed music when the season comes around? No. Is there anything that you do that’s potentially controversial? Yes. What is your most recent obsession? Most recent, whew, tarantulas. I'm really gonna try talking Mom into letting me get one when/if we move. Do you say “merry Christmas” or “happy holidays”? To you, does it really matter which one is said/you say? Do you do your best to remain politically correct? Instinctually, I say "merry Christmas;" that's what has always been said around me. I personally see zero problem in calling it whatever... Like just appreciate someone wishing you well. You get the concept, and that's all you really need imo. As for political correctness, I'm kinda... down the middle? Like I feel it's been taken way, way too far, but I see some caution in wording as wise. If you could relive one week of your life, which would it be, and why? Would you do anything differently, or keep it all the same? Ugh, my first visit at Sara's. I just loved it so, so much. I think I wouldn't change a thing. It felt perfect. Is there a part of your life you wish you could remember, but can’t? Sometimes when I take these surveys and they ask "how old were you when...", ha ha. Frustrates me. What was the last thing/event to trigger a painful memory? It was last night, actually. The Final Fantasy VII remake is out, and I started watching a YouTuber I like play it. Jason got me to play the original, playing it a lot when we spent time together, but I only got a bit beyond half-way through before my PS3 broke. Cherished memories, so it was decently triggering indeed. I loved the game though and ABSOLUTELY want to see it played out in its entirety, so I shoved past the pain and am glad I did. Now I'm anxiously awaiting the next video aljkdsjfawe Y'ALL I wanna play more FF. What do you think of people that choose not to vote? I can't say anything, seeing as I never have voted before... Are you keeping anything from the people you love? Nothing important, no. Have you ever written a suicide note, whether joking or not? Yes, and that stupid novel is one of my biggest regrets. Who the FUCK would joke about that, though. When was the last time you let something ‘go to your head’? Not even like an hour ago. This happens allllll the time. When are you most likely to show off? Maaan Guitar Hero used to be good for that shit, ha ha. I was an expert at that back in its day. I haven't played it in forever, and on the rare occasion I do, I am suuuper rusty. Which would you prefer: spectacular view of the ocean, or of the mountains? MOUNTAINS!!!!!! Do you follow any dating rules/play any dating games? No. When was the last time you felt extremely confident about something? ME????????? CONFIDENT???????????? WHAT A CONCEPT!!!!!!!!!! When was the last time you blew the seeds off of a dandelion? Wow, not a clue. Probably not since we lived at my old house and I would go on walks down the path. What was the last thing that happened that you couldn’t explain? Oh I dunno. What do you do with all of your spare change? I just keep it in my wallet. Where did you hear about your all-time favorite band? He was and still is one of my mom's favorites! How many cans of soda do you drink in a day? AHHHHHH soda is my biggest nutritional weakness. I refuse to let myself drink more than one a day now though. It's funny and disgusting, when I was HEALTHY AND SKINNY I could on a rare occasion start a fourth can in a single day. Nowadays the thought almost makes me shiver. What is the oldest thing that you own? and the newest? The oldest thing, ummm. Not sure. Probably a stuffed animal in the attic. I just got two new books today! Is there anything you wish you had never found out about? Yep. A number of things. What is something that you refuse to believe in? Astrology. What is something you wish more people believed in? Gay rights. What food is your ultimate comfort food? Ice cream. Have you ever put anything inside a time capsule? What? OMGGGG I remember doing this in elementary school as a class! I don't recall what was in it, though. Is there too much violence on tv, or are people to sensitive? Too sensitive, but also negligent. It's got a lot to do with raising, imo. Don't show kids wild shit at too young of an age, and when they are shown this kind of stuff, you make it obvious that the behavior/content is unacceptable irl. Entertainment is not responsible for someone's shitty actions made with their own volition. What is something you used to fear, but no longer do? My first huge fear was thunderstorms. Now I enjoy them lol. Do you think it’s important to know a 2nd language? Not mandatory, no. Especially depends on if you're going anywhere. Do you know anyone that’s just naturally good at almost everything? My old friend Hannia IMMEDIATELY came to mind. She was the best in class GPA-wise, first chair for flute in band, and just in general STUPID talented. Do you know anyone that’s just bad at everything? BITCH ME What is one emoticon you use often? A sarcastic :^) or <3 What is one emoticon you almost never use? A lot, particularly ones with equal signs for eyes.

#survey #quiz #questions

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technicolordeams · 4 years

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June 7, 2020

“I'm the girl nobody knows until she commits suicide. Then suddenly everyone had a class with her.” - Tom Leveen, Party

This has been my status on discord for about a month now. It just feels too relevant to me at these times.

I know I said I was going to update my blog back in May, but it’s taken me until now to get to doing it. Things have been hectic both with me and in the world. I am dealing with emotional trauma still (But I’m not going to talk about it on here. I do not feel safe enough to do so and I’m going to keep it to myself, my therapists, parents, and pastors at my church. Maybe two other people that I know too. Some people know that something went down with me recently but I won’t spread it around anymore. I’d rather not deal with anything... But it has caused me to have renewed trauma from when I was growing up. Surprisingly I don’t have an association with a girl I considered my best friend for seven years who turned out to be a pathological liar and manipulator. I guess I was able to get closure with that one and just be done with it. But the ones from before that... It just brings those back up. Anyways, I won’t go into any further detail about that in this blog.)

So I’ll try to summarize things a bit... But I’ve never been good at keeping things short. xD

First off, in November of 2019 I started having really bad pains in my stomach. Just... horrific pain. (Before this started, I was working getting a job with the aid of a job coach.) I landed in the ER a total of 4 times, could have been 5 but that fit wasn’t as bad and went away after a couple hours. But in December after my 3rd ER visit to get pain relief and more testing... and some morphine (sorry but this stuff was good. But I know limitations and wasn’t going to the ER for it. It was strictly to ease the pain so I could rest) I had a couple tests done... I FINALLY got an x-ray of my stomach and it showed I had a slightly inflamed gallbladder. Before this, the nurse that was working with me and my parents just believed I was having constipation and I was being too sedentary. That miffed me big time. I remember coming home one day from shopping for groceries and such that my mom was just telling me off about how I need to exercise more... (I have a fear that is ingrained in my head over exercising. Thanks Children’s ED center.) I just went to my room, no lights, didn’t take my jacket off at all, just curled up on my bed and cried as quietly as I could even though I wanted to wail. I was sick of people not believing me when things aren’t going right with my body and I have been mistreated for many things. I didn’t want to hear this from my parents. There was something wrong and I needed help. I did end up getting a HIDA scan after meeting with a surgeon who said the x-ray wasn’t enough proof that there was something wrong and didn’t want to do anything drastic that possibly won’t help me. But I got the HIDA scan which confirmed that there was something wrong with my gallbladder and on my birthday (Horray horray. Legit though I was so happy) I was approved for surgery to get it removed. The surgeon cut my gallbladder open and found A LOT of small gallstones. He was kind of shocked. Over all of this... I lost probably 10lbs? max? Either way, enough to be concerning to me. Now I’m using this experience to get my parents to actually freaking listen to me when I say I’m having problems and that it needs addressed as quickly as possible and quit dragging your damn feet and believe ME.

Also from the surgery, they had to put a breathing tube down my throat. But something happened and has caused me to have chronic coughing fits where I couldn’t even breathe without coughing. And because of my phobia of throwing up, I didn’t want to eat so I started to restrict for a while. Lots of testing was done to figure out what was wrong there... I got an asthma test and it showed that I had a breathing abnormality but the ENT doctor the day before gave me steroids to help. Said it wouldn’t affect my asthma test the next day. It did. :) Had to wait until May to get retested and another test done. The steroids did help for a while... But getting to that point I had been seeing my regular doctor and he gave me a stronger cough medicine that gave me auditory hallucinations... That was terrifying. So I quit that. Was put on another cough medicine that had a controlled substance in it to suppress my cough. It helped... but not enough. In the end since I didn’t want to wait until May to get tested, my doctor got me an inhaler. It actually has helped a lot. I still cough, but it’s not to the gagging/can’t breathe point anymore. I was very scared and stressed and made my dad take me to get lots of tests. Even speech therapist. Due to the covid-19 threat though, I have been heavily isolating myself at home and my asthma test that I was supposed to get last month got canceled/put off to a later date. So I’m stuck paying for an inhaler at full price because insurance is a dick. Anyways that’s that...

In April, I got a puppy. I finally got a dog that I had been thinking about for months and praying for... His name is Echo and he is a yellow lab. The first couple weeks were absolute hell. He would get up at random hours of the night and needs constant supervision. He’s almost 4 months now, but he’s still very much a puppy. He knows sit, stand, down, looks at me if I call his name with a treat in my hand so he’s recognizing his name... And sometimes off when he will listen. I have plenty of bite marks on my hands and stuff xD I had to have an extreme learning curve on how to take care of him. He doesn’t have accidents in the house as much as before, he will usually indicate he needs to go potty by sniffing around and pacing or going to the door and looking at me like, ‘human. I must defecate.’ xD And he’s got quite the attitude. Which I don’t mind as long as he’s not ripping my clothes or biting me or jumping at me. Dad has stepped in to help me during the mornings take care of him since I’m not sleeping well. Which has helped me out a lot. He’s doubled in size already and I’m so happy with how he’s acting for the most part. The past couple days this past week we’ve learned how the hose works and how to have fun in it since it’s so hot outside. (Also learned I’m allergic to grass. Yay.) But there were several days where I was so stressed and scared that I couldn’t keep up with him and take care of him and I’d have to give him away... But I already invested so much money in him and time and have already fallen in love with him, I won’t give him up. Right now he’s sleeping under my desk as I write this post. Lots of the time though I have to force myself to pretend to be happy and praise him and play with him and teach him what to do and what not to... And it’s emotionally exhausting. Especially this past week.

I had a couple triggers the past two weeks. One was a possible fractured toe from jamming it super hard into the corner of my desk... Another I was woken to Echo making a horrific gagging noise that scared the shit out of me. Then I’ve been working with a grief counselor this past month in addition to regular therapy (obviously over video chat because of infection chances...) for extra support. Thankfully it’s pro bono so I don’t have to pay anything and neither does any of my insurances. But while working on a section in my WRAP plan (Wellness Recovery Action Plan) there was a part where I just started shutting down and falling apart. The Crisis Plan. “This is what I look like when I’m well:” That is where everything started falling apart. It has been like 7 months since I have felt well at all. I can identify what it looks like when things get too bad to handle on my own for the most part... but when I was asked about if my behavior endangers or has negative effects on me or others I want my supporters to... I locked up. I realized I do not really have anyone who I can go to for any sort of help. My therapist is the only one I can go to really about anything, but I can’t get the amount of help that I need from just her. She has told me that if there was no virus threat and that I was in a different city, she would recommend me to go to a mental health program there... That’s how bad I’ve gotten.

In December my suicidal thoughts have sprung back up and I have withdrawn slowly and then faster from everyone. My parents don’t know how to handle me when I’m dealing with emotional distress... They are not very knowledgeable about mental illnesses and are pretty cold to emotional reactions. Sometimes mean. I love them very much yes and I know they would do whatever they could to help me... but when I need support from them specifically, things just go downhill. And I no longer have people I consider friends online anymore. I don’t feel safe to call anyone that right now. A girl from my church who was also in the Bible study I was attending before covid hit has been trying to reach out to me. Her and another lady at church are the only ones really actually reaching out to me. My pastor only stepped back into the picture after I posted asking for prayer for me since I called the suicide hotline the night before. And the things he has said to me already have been rather infuriating. Which makes me feel resentful towards the church I’m attending. That and the fact that nobody else actually reaches out to me at all. I know life has been thrown upside down and many have their own families with small children and such... It just feels very two-faced sometimes. I know that’s my distorted thinking kicking in as well... But it’s there and nobody’s around to disprove it. I am very grateful for the one girl who has been trying hard to reach out to me and encourage and just be there, but I know she knows little about the world and the crap in it and has experienced much if it first hand so far. But God bless her she really does try and care. My therapist has talked with my pastor after I signed a release form for her to do so and my parents have also talked to him about me last week. I have yet to hear from him since then though. They are busy though I know trying to figure out how to deal with this covid crap and how to manage the church so people who can’t go physically can still be sort of included...But I just don’t know if I want to go for a while.

But yeah. While I have been dealing with the loss of my entire online friend group and then being harassed on facebook and only seeing horrible news about covid and people insulting different people and politicians and crap on there... I disabled it for a while. I posted that I was going to do that several hours before I did and told people to message me if they wanted to keep contact with me somehow... Maybe two people did. Granted I had only 69 people on my friends list and a good chunk were family members from the Philippines and don’t usually speak english... I do feel better about not being on it though. The first couple days when I woke up I’d automatically go to fb to look at my notifications and silly stories that I’d get recommended, but after that I felt complete relief. I did get into a bit of an argument about two weeks or so before I decided to do this with a childhood friend I had... She just irritated me... Making it sound like she shouldn’t be forced to stay in like people higher in risk of infection/death because she was healthy and yada yada... Not going to argue on here. I just realized fb is just a toxic social media outlet and I didn’t want to be a part of it. I’m especially glad I got off of it while I did before the rioting happened. I would rather not have my timeline flooded with it.

Oh yeah, we did get rioting here where I live. Actually 10min away from where I live. That was scary the first couple nights. First night I was home alone with Echo when it started going down while my parents were at work. Thankfully though, our mayor put in a curfew and my parents’ work was closed down at exactly 5pm for EVERYONE. Including employees. Dad had to work on barricading one entrance way in case of looting. Sent me pictures of what he had to do... it was surreal. Not only do we need to be afraid of covid but now hostile people. (Note: I do NOT condone what those police officers did. They are getting punished heavily I assume. If anything, we shouldn’t have been rioting but instead having a vigil in honor for the man killed. Protesting is fine too. But when it becomes violent... I don’t agree with it. That’s just me though. Anyways enough political crap. I don’t want to discuss it on here.) The past two nights the mayor put up a curfew again for two days but two hours later than before (8pm) just to be on the safe side. My parents’ work has gone back to normal hours today. I did go out yesterday to get some groceries and medicine I needed. My car’s A/C has died. That was two hours of hell.

But yeah...uhm... The depression has increased this past week. Actually... a couple weeks before that. I had a meltdown over Echo chewing through the wire of my drawing tablet... I had it still hooked up even though I can’t draw anymore (Long story... recent bunch of trauma related reasons) because of trauma and also lazy to get in the back of my computer to unplug it. And sort of hope that I might pick it back up again... But that destroyed me that night. I wasn’t mad at him for doing it. He’s a baby he doesn’t know anything. It was my fault for not paying attention and taking a bit more care with those wires. Dad was able to fix it though. But I can’t look at it. That same night I received a text from a friend I made in treatment that I love to death... Telling me that she had just got home from being hospitalized and then placed in a psych ward after trying to commit suicide. I think I broke then. Ever since then, I haven’t been able to process very much emotion... Sleep has become very bad... I fell asleep in my chair a few nights ago. Last week was the first time I’ve been able to have any sort of reaction to emotion aside from a heavy depression... I need a big trigger to happen so that I can finally release these emotions inside because it just won’t come, but I feel it waiting behind a thick glass wall in my head. I’ve even started watching movies and shows that would scare me normally and would avoid just from reading the premise or a trailer. I don’t really get much feeling from it (aside from the one night I watched the new Carrie movie and I had to take Echo out at night and it was foggy and very spooky).

I think I’ll leave this here now and be done for a bit... I’ve written quite a lot and I’m sure very few people know of it’s existence and will look. But at least I’ve finally gotten some of it out... somewhere... Hopefully Echo will let me take a nap in a little bit. I would like to talk about my eating disorder at some point and how I’ve been since I got out of the treatment facilities in 2018 and maybe some other things. Been watching a bunch of videos of different mental illnesses because I’ve been running into a lot of people with them and I want to be able to at least know what’s it about and how to be a better person towards them and also not offend anyone so nobody goes off on me again.

#trauma #ptsd #depression #suicide #triggers #surgery #puppy

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kenobios · 4 years

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rotj: my thoughts

positives and negatives. spoilers ahead

so, i wasn’t gonna write one of these but i felt i needed to get some stuff off my chest so i can move on. i was just gonna pretend this movie didn’t happen but i think i can come to eventually accept that it did now that i’ve had time to digest everything.

POSITIVES:

- honestly... from my first viewing there isn’t a lot i like. but i’m sure this will improve the more i watch the film and actually have the chance to form an opinion on more things within such a hectic onslaught of information. - i laughed. c3po and that little fixer dude were genuinely funny (to me). dio (sp?) was super cute too. tbh i never cared much for droids (my obi-wan is coming thru here) but i actually enjoyed them so that’s a win for me - very pretty film. visually spectacular. - fast-paced. not boring for a second (to me). kept me entertained. - rey’s yellow lightsaber. i actually liked this even tho it doesn’t match up with current canon (yellow being for temple guards). it reminded me of bastila and i was just waiting for her to show it off as a double-sided saber... which i didn’t get but it still looked like it was built for it so i’ll take the win. - the idea of palpatine being powerful again but it would have been cool to see a younger version of himself - rey and ben teaming up and the intimate moment they shared which felt genuinely beautiful and was one of the highlights for me

now here’s the ISSUES i have off the top of my head, some of them having been mentioned on this blog before:

- the trio. everyone else has already said it. forced and uncomfortable. it felt like they were setting up a love triangle for the first half of the movie as well, which was weird. when they had poe and rey have those ‘moments’ or when they bickered with each other i was like ‘they better not be tryna spring up some hanleia dynamic on us for the last film between these two’ especially while also baiting finnrey (which is never touched upon again after the first half of the movie, yikes)

- towards the end of the film, i turned to the person next to me and said “this reminds me of a video game plot” - i couldn’t pinpoint exactly why that was, but it was just a feeling. and not a deep, thorough video game plot either. another reviewer said something similar. it’s just... very shallow, expository and it feels like it’s dragging you and the characters through very railroaded and forced missions/battles. i mean at the start they’re really just looking for something, going to someone, that person says they need to talk to someone else for the thing, they go to another person, etc. which is a type of mission device used in games as well. it also felt to me like one of those japanese otome games where rey is the bland female character that all the male characters fall for (poe, finn, kylo) and she gets her pick of which one she wants to romance, which was cringe.

- i didn’t hear the characters. i only heard what they were forcing the characters to say in order to progress the plot or explain the plot. the characters themselves became faceless inserts for exposition. so many times i heard a character say something and thought... that was a jarring piece of dialogue that seems both out of character and unnatural to say at that point in time.

- although i said being fast-paced could be a positive, it was largely a negative for me. at one point it felt like slide transitions were happening at minute intervals. a major plot point would be revealed and then no time is given to process, it’s onto the next major scene. this left everything feeling very rushed and messy, which i believe is due to half the film being cut for time constraints.

- each character is either twisted into an unrecognisable character, or ignored/not given the time they deserve. rey? blank slate female protag with a famous bloodline and who barely reacts to the things going on around her (leia dying, ben dying, she disregards her ��friends’ on multiple occasions). like others, i always defended rey’s abilities, but this film is too much. she has been made a mary sue. finn? rendered nothing but the ‘friend’ pining after a girl and only briefly gets time with his own story which is never fully explored in this film by any means. poe? turned into a grumpy, seemingly jealous ‘friend’ with a shady past that felt like they were trying to make him the ‘han solo’ of the trio rather than going with what we already know about his character. leia? now this is hard, and i respect what they tried to do, but i still felt like her death could have been done a bit better rather than the quick ‘shock’ moment it was. also the stuff with luke training her is a no for me. way too shoe-horned and part of what made leia cool to me was that she was a skywalker but didn’t need to be a jedi. her powers were elsewhere. kylo? don’t get me started. rose? who? she may as well not have been in this movie with the way they ignored her character and showed how little the other characters care about her. it broke my heart.

- rey palpatine? though i’m a rey kenobi fan, i was happy with rey nobody. i liked what it stood for. i didn’t mind the idea of rey palpatine in theory, but the way they force-fed this to us in the film rather than building it up left a bad taste in my mouth and i’m going to have to pass on it. if they wanted to have her related to palpatine, they should have just made her a clone imo. it would have matched with what was being built up prior (in tlj with the clones in the cave), it would have explained her ties to the dark side, it would have completed the palpatine/skywalker poetry, and it would have still been congruent with her being a ‘nobody’ since that’s essentially what clones are seen as in star wars. also we wouldn’t have to think about the fact palpatine got laid. laboratories were already set up in jakku by palpatine. cloning itself was shown in rots anyway (snoke) so?

- although i’ve wanted ben to be redeemed... it still felt too rushed in this film. also, he does display some toxic tendencies as kylo ren towards rey (trying to manipulate her to go with him) which didn’t sit well with me but i didn’t really see ben/kylo ren in his scenes sometimes anyway, since he was also forcibly used to give exposition to us/rey. i did like his scene with his mother and father in the film but i just needed more than that to really feel his redemption rather than the quick switch we got.

- i originally wasn’t okay with the whole ‘bringing someone back to life through the force’ thing since i always liked the idea palpatine was just saying that to honeypot anakin, but decided i’m willing to accept it as a unique ability they had for each other due to their force bond. but then... ben dies anyway. and it’s done in such a way that leaves you feeling ‘wtf just happened?’. it was random, forced, didn’t feel necessary and it just... happened. no one reacted to it. he wasn’t referred to or mentioned after this. the last skywalker goes out just like that. poof. okay. so was this a shock death or was jj genuinely trying to appease people who didn’t think ben deserved redemption or to live? either way ben lived such a sad, cruel, manipulated life that his death seemed unfair and we’re all supposed to think this movie is hopeful and celebrate a few minutes later? i don’t think so. in fact, everything that happens after that scene feels incredibly uncomfortable because of the massive tonal shift.

- the kiss. ok don’t hate me. i enjoy reylo. but i honestly think the kiss wasn’t exactly... needed? maybe it was just because everything else felt so forced but it felt a little forced in this scene for me. for me, the hug ben gave rey just beforehand spoke more volumes of their intimacy. i did mention their intimate moments above as a positive, so i still like this overall moment (in addition to the moment rey heals him). but the hug spoke enough to me that it would have been nice to keep it more subtle yet obvious enough (thanks to their acting) that they cared deeply for one another. but then again, this is what i felt before i knew ben died, so. idk. i guess it would suck for ben to die without having kissed rey? how about just don’t kill ben off. have them hug instead of kiss and then leave us to fill in the gaps as they both live. how about that.

- the rey skywalker thing is embarrassing. and rey ended up alone in the desert... just how she started. i just can’t. by the time this came on the screen i was ready to leave. i only stayed because i HOPED there would be an after credits showing her on the falcon, or her training finn to be a jedi, or her speaking with any of the force ghosts (luke or ben or anakin).

- speaking of which. why were there no force ghosts in the scene where she fights palpatine? we just get voices? that scene really lacked impact and the whole fight sequence just felt blah. palpatine came back super strong and then he was gone in moments. there should have a) been force ghosts or some kind of visual presence of the jedi to help rey whether physically or just boosting morale and b) ben should have fought palpatine with her.

- why is rey alone in the desert? i honestly didn’t think this meant she was going to be a hermit until i came online and saw that’s what everyone else thought. but just... why? why is she not passing on the jedi ways she fought to keep alive? or the knowledge she has gained/kept in the sacred jedi texts she stole? surely not. surely that is her plan. surely ben saved her not just because he loved her but also because she can carry on the skywalker legacy NOT by dying alone in a desert but by training new jedi. (which, again, SHOULD HAVE BEEN FINN AS THE FIRST NEW JEDI!) or better yet, a new type of jedi that don’t follow toxic ways but that incorporate both the light and dark side of the force like she does? and calling THEM skywalkers? but nope. instead she ended up back where she started. except with less personality this time.

- i can’t talk enough about how cool it would have been to have jedi!finn at the end. talk about coming full circle from the promo baits they had for TFA of finn with the lightsaber. AT LEAST GIVE US THIS.

- the whole movie just felt like a massive disrespect to the previous film. everything rian built was trampled on, retconned or ignored. say what you want about tlj and rian, but this is what happens when you ignore or try to retcon the preceding film whether you like it or not. everything feels messy and the plots get screwed up. this movie would have been largely different (better) had they not tried so hard to pretend tlj didn’t exist. even if you didn’t like it, take the plot and mould it into something you do like. don’t just toss it aside and lose all sense of continuity between the films. i don’t blame jj for this exactly, but rather the disney committee that were too afraid to acknowledge tlj’s existence due to the reception it got from fans and thus felt the need to have jj ‘fix/retcon’ things rather than build upon/improve things.

- oh yeah hux. that happened, i guess. i thought it was weird and it kinda sucked that they did that. who cares about the new guy? general pride or whatever? no one. surely making general hux more menacing couldn’t have been THAT hard. but no. we get a rather silly death instead. alright. at least he can forever be known as the petty king of star wars.

- there’s probably more. i could write an essay but i’m getting tired of complaining already so i’m leaving it here. if you happened to read this far and want to talk about it with me some more, my DMs are open!

overall, i just hope some canon content is going to be released, either in the form of a book or a comic, that explores more of this following the movie. i want to know more about finn’s story. i want to see whether rey does stay on tatooine or whether she trains jedi. i want to see whether she communicates with ben through the force, or just, y’know, any closure on that would be nice. i want to see the director’s cut with the other half of the movie. then, perhaps, i will know peace.

#tros spoilers #star wars #ight it's off my chest #i feel better now #even though i feel there is still more i could talk about #that's it for me

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tiny-opal-essence · 5 years

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Pocket Paladin Chpt 6

Ground Rules

“…And that’s all we know so far.” Lance finished explaining from his position standing on the console.

“This is indeed troubling,” Kolivan said on the screen. “I have not heard of any similar spells being used, but I will send word to our spies within the empire in case they come across anything.”

“Is there anything you could tell us about Lotor’s magic? Are there any differences due to him being only half druid?” Allura inquired.

“His spells tend to be more volatile. He seems to be the only one who can fully reverse them without there being any side effects.”

“Side effects like what?” Shiro asked from right behind Lance.

“You should hope to never find out.”

Lance could tell even without looking back to his right that Hunk was feeling sick to his stomach at the thought.

“You said he ‘seems to be’ the only one who can reverse his spells.” Pidge pointed out.

“We do theorize that someone with as strong if not stronger magic would be able to reverse them, but they would need absolute control of the quintessence involved. It fluctuates greatly in Lotor’s spells. Channeling the wrong amount at the wrong time would have dire consequences.”

“So, that means that Allura can fix me!” Lance exclaimed.

“In theory. I’m still working on control in general, let alone when what I’m working with fluctuates.” Allura stated from the left.

“But you can do it, right?” Hunk asked hopefully.

“Given enough time to prepare, yes.”

“Is there any news you have for us, Kolivan?” Keith asked.

“Not at this moment,” Kolivan answered before there was a commotion on his side of the screen. Suddenly, Slav appeared. Shiro grit his teeth and clenched his prosthetic fist.

“Ahh, Kolivan. I am so glad I found you. There were 11 realities in which you had suddenly collapsed and in 3 of those you never recovered!”

“Slav. As you can see, I am fine. I am also in the middle of a private conference with the Voltron Paladins.” Kolivan gestured to the screen while Slav’s gaze followed.

“Oh no! This means we are in one of the 9,536,965,579 realities where this happens to Lance! And he’s already dead in 16 of them!”

Dead?!

Shiro slammed the console with his prosthetic fist while gesturing with the other hand. “Look.” Anger dripped from his voice. “None of this is helping. We don’t need to know what happens to Lance in any other realities. So go count the cracks in the ceiling or whatever it takes to know what’s happening in this reality.”

“…Now it’s 36 realities.”

Team Voltron wondered how the number could have changed so drastically in the span of just a few seconds. They all looked down and let out a gasp when they saw that Lance was standing less than an inch away from where Shiro had blindly slammed the console. Lance could see his terrified expression reflected in the metal before Shiro quickly moved his prosthetic away.

“Oh my God!” Shiro backed away from the console.

Everyone realized in that moment what must have happened in the alternate realities.

Lance felt frozen. He could hear his heart beating faster while his breathing grew shakier. It took all of his strength to stay standing on his trembling legs.

“Lance! Are you alright?” Coran asked as Lance’s legs finally gave out under him, answering the question.

Lance let himself collapse. He felt like he couldn’t breathe.

Almost dying does that to a person, I guess. Ha ha. Especially when it isn’t the first time.

He heard Kolivan say something before the video feed was cut off. The stares from the rest of the team weren’t helping him calm down. He realized that none of them were approaching him, and for that he was thankful. He already felt overwhelmed enough.

The space mice ran over from their end of the console to Lance and grabbed him in a group hug, hiding him from the others while he pulled himself together. This time, no one commented on how cute they looked. Lance was able to brush away tears that he hadn’t realized were falling down his face. He hoped he was small enough that the others didn’t notice.

“Thank you.” He whispered so only the space mice heard him. Keith also heard him, but Lance wasn’t aware of that.

“Lance, I…” Shiro was staring at his prosthetic in horror before he looked over to Lance. “I-I’m so sorry. I forgot you were there.”

'Look at how easily overlooked you are now.’

Not the time.

If not now, when? It’s only a matter of time until they realize how useless you are, especially like this.’

“It’s okay,” Lance said timidly as the space mice ended the hug and stood two on each side of him.

“No, it’s not,” Shiro said decisively. “I almost…This just proves what Kolivan said. We need to establish some ground rules given your current situation.”

“I can type them up, just need to plug in my laptop before it dies.” Pidge started looking for an outlet.

“Good idea,” Allura commented.

“Who wants to go first?” Pidge sat down with her hands hovering over her laptop’s keyboard.

“I will.” Keith volunteered. “Someone should be with Lance at all times.”

“Come on. I don’t need a babysitter.”

“It would help us avoid any potential accidents if we have someone keeping a constant eye on you.” Pidge pointed out as she typed up the first rule.

“It would probably be a good idea if Lance doesn’t walk around on the floor. I don’t even want to think about what could happen.” Shiro recommended.

No one noticed Lance and Keith wince as they recalled what had almost happened earlier that morning.

“Going off of that, you shouldn’t try to get around too much on your own,” Pidge spoke as she typed. “Ask for help when you need it.”

But I want to prove I can do this.

‘And just how do you plan to do that? You can’t even pilot your lion.’

“We need to ensure that only our closest and most trusted allies know about this,” Coran stated. “If word gets out, Lance would become a target for more than just the Galra. I’ve seen some horrible things for sale on swap moons. If he wound up in one of them, there’s very little chance we would see him again.”

Lance *gulped* in fear.

“Lance should stay on the castleship while we’re on missions.” Allura asserted. “That will help keep him off their radar.”

“Wait, I don’t get to go on missions?”

“It’s too great a risk with your current circumstances.”

“But I want to help!”

“You can still help me and the space mice,” Coran suggested.

“But…”

“No buts!” Shiro gestured with his hand, causing Lance to flinch. His heart sank seeing the expression on Lance’s face. “I’m sorry, but as Allura said, it’s too great a risk.”

“What if Lance only came on low-risk missions, like if we’re just going to go talk with a planet that isn’t part of the Galra empire?” Hunk proposed.

“Or if we’re just doing recon or getting supplies,” Keith added. “If he stays out of sight, it should be fine.”

“There is still an amount of risk then. What do you think, Allura?” Shiro asked.

“As long as he stays out of sight and keeps his comms online at all times, I think it would be ok. Just for low-risk missions.”

Yes! Thank you Hunk and Keith!

“I’ll just put no risky missions on the list.” Pidge typed in the next entry.

“Or unnecessary risks in general!” Hunk added on.

“When have I ever taken unnecessary risks?”

“Lance. We’ve been friends since kindergarten. I know you. You always take unnecessary risks.”

“Well, they were necessary in my opinion.”

“Ok, so far we have someone has to be with Lance at all times, Lance can’t be on the ground, Lance can’t get around on his own, only our closest allies can know about this, no risky missions, and no unnecessary risks in general.” Pidge read the list out loud.

Wow. That makes it sound like I can’t do anything.

‘But isn’t that the truth?’

“Any other suggestions? Lance?” Coran asked.

He thought for a moment.

“Just…Don’t grab me. It’s kind of terrifying. If you have to suddenly hide me from someone, then it’s ok, but only then.”

“Ok. No grabbing.” Pidge added. “Anyone else?”

Everyone was silent.

“This is a good start. If anyone comes up with any other suggestions, let me know and I’ll add them.”

“If someone has to always be with Lance, where is he going to sleep?” Hunk asked.

“Can’t I just sleep in my room as usual?

“But what if you need something in the middle of the night? The doors probably won’t open for you and we just established that you aren’t supposed to walk around on the floor. If you were out in the hallway in the middle of the night and someone else was awake too, they might not think to look down!” Hunk exclaimed.

“That’s a good point, Hunk,” Allura commented. “Who should he room with?”

“I’ll just room with Hunk, like at the Garrison.”

“That would be nice, but I snore. You know how loud my alarm had to be for me to wake up. What if you were in trouble and I didn’t hear it?”

“Okay, so Lance can’t room with Hunk. And we’re not going to do any co-ed, so that rules out Pidge and Allura.” Shiro thought out loud.

“I’m up at different vargas to make sure the castle stays ship shape, so that would wake you up, Lance,” Coran commented.

“What about you, Shiro?” Allura asked.

“We just learned this morning that I have night terrors. That would also disturb Lance’s sleep, so that leaves Keith.”

“Really? This guy?” Lance gestured with his thumb towards Keith.

“That actually would work,” Pidge stated. “Keith does have heightened hearing due to his ears, so if Lance needed something, he could be heard easier.”

“Makes sense.” Keith agreed with a shrug.

“Don’t I get a say in this?” Lance exclaimed.

“Lance, this is the best option.” Allura declared.

“We just want to make sure you’re safe.” Hunk said.

“I know,” Lance responded with a sigh. “I guess it’s not the end of the world if I have to room with mullet.”

“Do you have to use that nickname?”

“Yep.”

“What now?” Pidge asked.

“I had a training session planned, but we can move that to tomorrow due to recent developments,” Allura responded.

“Free day, woohoo!” Lance pumped his fist in the air.

“I’m going to see if there’s anything more I can find in the library,” Coran stated.

“I’ll help you look,” Allura said.

“I’m going to go finish up in the kitchen.” Hunk started to turn towards the door.

“Can I help?” Lance asked.

“I wouldn’t say no to the company.” Hunk put his hand palm up next to Lance.

“I’ve got a few projects on the workbench I want to get done. Let me know when the food’s ready.”

“Will do, Pidge. The comms are back online now, right Coran?”

“Right-o, number 2. I’ll see about upgrading the castle-wide comms later tonight.”

“I might go do some training today, just to see where I’m at,” Shiro said.

“I’ll go with you to make sure you don’t hurt yourself. You’re still recovering.”

“Keith being the one to stop someone from pushing themselves too far? Now I’ve seen everything.” Lance commented from Hunk’s hands with a smile.

That got a chuckle from the rest of the team before they went their separate ways

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Yes! We’re in!” Ezor exclaimed upon seeing that the virus had been successfully uploaded to the castle ship.

“Well done, Narti.” Axha praised.

Kova *purred* and rubbed his face against Narti’s. She reached up and scratched behind his ears.

“Let’s go grab him now.” Zethrid’s eagerness shown in her words.

“Not yet,” Lotor said.

“Why not? Isn’t this what we’ve been waiting for?” Zethrid asked.

“Yes, but right now his team will be hovering around him. Eventually, they will let their guard down. That is when we strike.” Lotor recommended.

“More waiting? Uggh.” Ezor complained.

“Now that we have eyes and ears on their ship, we will be ready when the moment comes,” Axha stated.

Natri typed on her keyboard and brought a document on the screen for everyone to see.

“Well, would you look at that. They provided us with a list of rules they’re going to follow. And they were so kind as to include where he’s going to be sleeping.” Lotor said with a cruel smile.

“And it looks like he’s going to be going on some missions with them still.” Ezor pointed out.

“We’ll give them a reason to change their minds on that,” Zethrid stated.

“Let’s give them a false sense of security first. That way, the inevitable change to the rules cuts that much deeper.” Lotor recommended.

Narti brought up some of the camera feeds from the Castle Ship and they began to study their opponents in their own home.

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“How much longer is this going to take?” Lance asked from his position laying on the counter with his right arm over his face in dramatic fashion.

“The beans just have to simmer for a few more minutes.” Hunk checked the water level to make sure the beans were still covered.

“Didn’t you already do that? You soak them overnight, then you boil them and let them stand for a few minutes, strain them, and then do the same thing, but for an hour? Doesn’t that seem redundant?”

“This part is different. The beans have to simmer for a while so they can soften.”

“Then why even do the first boil and let rest? Wouldn’t it just be easier to go right to simmering?”

“It’s just the way it works. I have a feeling you have something else on your mind besides the beans.”

“Yeah…This whole me being shrunk thing is…a lot to get used to.”

“Well, hopefully, you won’t have to get too used to it. Allura’s going to find a way to undo this.”

“Yeah, but we don’t know how long that will take. How am I supposed to fly one of the lions like this?”

“Well…I think the answer is that Allura’s going to be subbing for you for a bit longer.” Hunk said apologetically.

“I know. It’s just…I was looking forward to being in Blue again. Nothing against Red, she’s also pretty great, but Blue is my girl. It’s kind of sinking in that I’m not a paladin anymore.”

“No one is saying you aren’t a paladin anymore. You’re just as much a paladin now as you were before. Shiro didn’t stop being a paladin when the Galra captured him, right?”

“Yeah.”

But he’s Shiro. He’s always been amazing, even before he became the black paladin. If he wasn’t a paladin anymore, no one would think less of him.

‘I wonder what they think of you, now that you’re like this.’

“Exactly. Here.” Hunk took a spoonful of the beans and handed one to Lance between his fingers. “Squeeze this and see if they’re done.”

Lance grabbed the bean with both hands and started pressing them together. After a little resistance, the bean smushed. He looked up and saw that Hunk was doing the same test. The bean gave no resistance between his fingertips.

He squashed that like a grape!

‘I wonder what else he could squish.’

“Looks like they’re ready.”

“You’re not going to have them simmer for another hour, are you?”

“No, they’re done simmering.” Hunk turned up the heat and stirred in the tianal. “Hopefully this will give it the right consistency.”

“So, this becomes sweet because you add a lot of sugar to it?”

“And a pinch of salt, or in this case, rintal.”

“Why do sweet recipes always have a pinch of salt? It just seems to go against the sweetness of the food.”

“There’s actually a good reason for that.” Hunk continued to stir. “The salt boosts the other flavors. It also helps strengthen some of the chemical bonds in the glucose.”

“So it tastes sweeter because you add some salt to it?”

“Exactly. Do you want to add the rintal?”

“Sure.”

“Just grab a handful of it. That should be about the same as a pinch.”

“How do you figure that?” Lance asked as he scooped up the rintal in his hands.

“Platt comes by to help sometimes and you’re pretty close to him in height, so it should be close to the same amount as when he does it.”

Lance was amazed at how large the crystals of rintal seemed in his hands. He could feel how coarse they were as he stepped onto Hunk’s palm. He managed to keep his balance as Hunk lifted him up to the edge of the pot. Hunk placed his other hand at the edge of his palm to act as a safety barrier.

“Really, Hunk? I’m not that clumsy.”

“I know, it’s just that one time Platt almost fell in and I don’t want that to happen to you. Better safe than sorry.”

“Alright, I get it.” Lance dumped the rintal he was holding into the pot.

Hunk brought him back down to the counter, turned off the heat and continued to stir the beans. He then grabbed a metal pan from one of the cupboards and set it on the counter. He grabbed the pot and used the spoon to scoop its contents into the pan.

“Now we have to wait for this to cool.”

“How long is that going to take?”

“Maybe 10-15 dobashes, or around 17 minutes. The batter in the fridge should be done by then.”

“Why does it have to be in there for so long?”

“It helps the ingredients mix together better, that way the batter is smooth.”

“Cool. So what do we do while we wait?”

“We can go see if Pidge needs any help on the workbench. Many hands make light work, right?”

“Yeah.”

Even if said hands are smaller than a bean.

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“Did you have to literally come out of the closet? Again?” Keith asked as he threw a punch at Shiro.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about. The closet just happened to be the closest place to hide.” Shiro’s smile gave him away as he dodged.

“This from the guy who said he would be not only the best man, but also the best ‘pan’ in my wedding?”

“The offer still stands.” Shiro aimed at Keith who quickly blocked.

“That’s not going to happen for a while.”

“Well, when it does happen, I want to be there for you and your husband on your big day.”

Shiro couldn’t help recalling what had happened between him and Adam before the Kerberos mission. They had been heading towards marriage themselves, but sometimes things just don’t work out. He had hoped that once he got back from Kerberos they could talk about where they stood, but some purple aliens had thrown a wrench in that plan. He quickly focused back on training.

“I can tell you’re going easy on me, Keith.” Shiro blocked the punch that was thrown his way.

“I’m not.”

Shiro gave him an ‘are you serious’ look.

“Ok, I am. But you’re still recovering. I don’t want you to have to go in the healing pod again.”

“I know my limits. I also know you. You have something on your mind.”

“I’m just really glad you’re back.”

“I’m glad to be back, but I know it’s more than that. We’ve known each other for how long?”

“Almost 7 years,” Keith answered.

“You know you can talk to me, right?”

“I know…I’m just worried about Lance. I’m not sure how I feel about him rooming with me.”

“We all agreed that him rooming with you makes the most sense.”

“I think he hates me.”

“What makes you say that?”

“He called me an idiot before he passed out on the mission. I cradled him in my arms, he mumbled something and then said ‘you’re idiot’ with a smile on his face. Who even does that?!”

“Well, you’ve called him an idiot before.”

“That’s different.” Keith blocked Shiro’s punch. “He actually is one.”

“Is that what you really think?”

“No. I don’t know. All I know is I can't get him out of my head and every time I look at him, I have these pains in my chest and I just know it's his fault.”

Shiro dodged Keith as he realized what Keith was feeling. He had a crush and didn’t even realize it. Shiro had learned through the years that there were certain times to fully explain something to Keith and other times to be more subtle. This was in the latter category. If Shiro told him what the pains in his chest meant, he would resist the notion and go out of his way to avoid Lance.

“Well, maybe this will be an opportunity for the two of you to build some bridges.”

“Maybe.”

Their train of thought was cut off by Hunk over the comms

“Food’s ready!”

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“Hey, Rachel.”

“Not even close, Hunk,” Pidge said from behind her welding mask.

Lance tried to ignore how intimidating Pidge looked with the sparks flying from the welder.

She looks like a mad scientist, kind of.

“Come on, you have to give me a hint to what your real name is.”

“But this is much more fun!” She lifted up the mask to show the mischievous grin on her face.

“But I only get 5 guesses each day! And I have less than a week to get it right!”

“Really? What are you, Pidge, Rumpelstiltskin?” Lance asked.

“If I was, would that make you Thumbelina?”

“Hey, if anything, I would be Tom Thumb.”

“If I was Rumpelstiltskin, I would have dibs on Hunk and Shay’s first child.”

“I told you, she’s just a rock that I met and admire very much.”

“Keep telling yourself that, Hunk. Anyways, what brings you two here?”

“The filling for the food has to cool for a bit. We were wondering if you needed any help.” Lance asked

“I’ve got pretty much everything handled, but I do have a few questions for you, Lance, if you don’t mind.”

“No problem,” Lance said as he climbed off of Hunk’s hand and onto the workbench.

“Good.”

Okay, I’m not imagining that, right? Her glasses just did the anime light glare thing.

“How tall are you normally?”

“About 5’ 9’’.”

“How much is about? I need to know the exact height.”

“Ok, I’m 5’ 8 ¾”, happy?”

“Peachy. And how much do you weight?”

“Pidge, you can’t just ask someone how much they weight!”

“I’m just trying to see if there’s some sort of pattern with what happened to you.”

“I’m not telling you that!”

Hunk bent down and whispered something in Pidge’s ear.

“That much? Ok.”

Hunk, how could you? I didn’t think you would go behind my back, or I guess over my head.

“Traitor.” Lance glared slightly up at Hunk, but there was no venom in it.

“Sorry, but she’s just trying to help.” He sheepishly responded.

“Now let’s see how you measure up.” Pidge snickered at her own pun as she reached for the ruler on the workbench.

“I thought we already said that I’m 3” tall now.”

“That was a guestimate. I need the exact numbers if I want to be able to help you.” She held up the ruler on its end. “Make sure you stand up straight, or as straight as you can pretend to be.”

“Ha ha, very funny, gremlin.” Land sarcastically responded as he stood in front of the ruler.

“Looks like you’re…3 1/8” tall, making it a 1:22 ratio. That means that your armor was affected the same amount.”

“My armor?”

“Yeah. After we all left the bridge, I went looking for where we put it and your bayard to see if there were any changes in them. Your armor shrunk by the same ratio as you did. Your bayard, however, was still normal size.”

“That makes sense. I dropped it before the spell hit me.”

“Well, that’s a good thing, right?” Hunk questioned. “This means that Keith will have a bayard to use in Red.”

“I guess that’s the silver lining of this scenario,” Pidge responded.

“But that means I don’t have a weapon.”

“You’re not going to need one. We’ll be here to protect you and make sure nothing happens to you.” Hunk assured.

“Let’s see how your weight was affected.” Pidge pulled what looked like a postal scale from the back of the workbench and zeroed the weight on it. She put her hand down in front of Lance. She lifted him up and he stepped off onto the scale. It beeped a few times before settling on what he weighed.

“Interesting,” Pidge commented.

“What’s interesting?” Lance asked worriedly.

“Your weight is more than what it should be given the square-cube law. It should be 1/484 your normal weight, but it’s more than that. This doesn’t make any sense.”

“Well it was magic that did this to me, so I think ‘making sense’ went out the window.”

“But you should weigh so little that a slight breeze would blow you away.”

“I think we can all be glad that isn’t the case.” Hunk said.

“It just bugs me how this is making no logical sense. If it was logical I could build something to help.”

“If anyone can build a growth ray, it’s you Pidge. You’re like the smartest person in the universe.” Lance encouraged.

“And what am I, chopped liver?” Hunk said with a joking tone.

“Alright, Hunk is the smartest guy and Pidge is the smartest girl in the universe.”

“I’ll agree there,” Pidge commented.

“I’m going to head back to the kitchen. The Tsubuan should be almost done cooling. Do you want to come with or stay here, Lance?”

“I think I’ll stay. I’d probably end up burning myself trying to sneak a bite before the food cools.”

“Or worse, you might almost wind up a part of it, like in Thumbelina.” Pidge laughed lightly.

“Don’t even joke about that! I barely made it past that part of the movie!” Hunk exclaimed.

“Sorry, I see that joke was in bad taste,” Pidge said as Hunk left.

Is that supposed to be a pun? Cause it’s not appreciated. Or funny.

Lance thought back on when Veronica made him watch Thumbelina with her. He did remember the scene Pidge was referring to, but not much else. There were some frogs, bugs, mice, and fairies that were all interested in Thumbelina for some reason. He hadn’t paid much attention, but he liked spending time with his sister. She was the one that taught him about skin care, after all.

Maybe if I had paid attention to the movie, I could have gotten some advice on what to do in this situation.

‘Do you actually think a cartoon would be able to offer you any advice?’

Hey, Dora la Exploradora taught me English, so hell yeah a cartoon can help!

He refocused on what was happening around him.

Pidge was mumbling to herself about the results and how crazy they were. Lance walked over and sat on the edge of the scale.

This is probably a good out of the way place to sit.

“Medically speaking, you still feel ok, right?” Pidge’s stare was intense.

“I guess so. I feel a little cold, but that’s not that big a deal.”

“It could mean that your body is losing heat faster than normal. Smaller creatures do struggle to retain their body heat more than larger ones.”

“But why would a smaller creature lose it faster?”

“It’s because of the ratio between the surface area and volume of the animal.”

“That still doesn’t make sense. A larger animal has more surface area, so shouldn’t they lose their heat faster?”

“But the ratio to their volume is smaller. The larger animal is able to create more heat due to its volume. Does that make sense?”

“I guess.”

Nope. Still don’t get it, but I’m not about to let her know that.

“What are you working on there, anyway?” Lance changed the subject.

“Just a few projects I’ve been meaning to get to.”

“But what are they?”

“I don’t think you’d understand if I tried to explain.”

“Oh.”

How would she know?

‘Well, would you understand?’

Probably not, but it’d be nice to know she doesn’t think I’m a complete idiot.

“Is there anything I can do to help?”

“I think the welder is a bit big for you to use, so no. Oh!” Pidge reached over where he was sitting and grabbed something from the back wall of the workbench. “Put this on.” She handed the item to him and he saw it was a mini welding mask.

“When did you have time to make this?”

“Two pheobs ago. Chuchule likes to help, so me and Hunk made that for her. Safety first and all that. Does it fit?”

“Yeah.” Lance pulled the mask down.

“Good.” Pidge did the same and got back to welding.

He watched her work in silence. The only sound was the slight noise of the welder against the metal. From Lance’s new perspective, the sparks flying off of the workbench seemed like fireworks.

He didn’t realize how long he was sitting there when he heard the *crackle* of the comms overhead.

“Food’s ready!”

Pidge turned off the welder and placed her mask on the workbench. Lance handed his mask over to her.

“Something this small could get lost easily,” Pidge commented as she put it back where it belonged.

I could get lost easily.

“This is probably the most organized space I have.”

“I think the random piles of wires and tools would disagree with you, Pidge.”

“I said most organized, not that it actually was organized.”

“Touché.”

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“You made taiyaki? It’s been so long since I’ve had it.” Shiro said.

“What’s taiyaki?” Allura looked at the food in question.

“It’s a pretty popular street food back home. It's something between a pancake and waffle texture with a sweet bean filling. And you even got it in the fish shape. Where did you find a mold for it out here?”

“I actually made it in the forge.”

“There’s a forge in the castle-ship?”

“Of course there’s a forge. What kind of self-respecting castle doesn’t have a forge?” Coran stated.

“It took a few tries to get the mold to come out right. It’s not as detailed as I would like it to be, but I think it works.”

“Hunk, this is more than enough. Thank you.” Shiro took a bite out of one of the taiyaki. “This is the best food I’ve had in phoebs!”

“I’m glad you like it. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to make the ones for you and the space mice fish shaped, Lance.”

“No worries, big guy. They’ll still taste good.”

Everyone grabbed some of the taiyaki and started enjoying them. The sound of them all eating made Lance feel uncomfortable for some reason. When Shiro’s stomach suddenly groaned, Lance felt afraid. His mind jumped to Juan y los Frijoles Mágicos and what the giant had wanted to do to Juan.

That’s why the sound is freaking me out a bit.

“Something’s not agreeing with me.” Shiro clutched at his stomach.

“Oh no! Did I not cook them enough? I swore they were the right temperature! Did the ingredients not work together?” Hunk panicked.

“No, they were cooked right and tasted fine. I don’t know why this is happening.” Shiro groaned out.

“What did they feed you while you were a prisoner?” Keith asked.

“I don’t know what it was. Some sort of gruel.”

“Then that means this is the first solid food you’ve had in three phoebs. No wonder your body’s reacting like this.” Pidge stated. “Going from only liquid to solid food so quick has an adverse effect on your body. It isn’t used to solid food, so it rejects it.”

“I didn’t even think of that when I was making it. I’m sorry, Shiro”

“It’s not your fault, Hunk,” Shiro responded.

“I’m going to put together a meal plan to get your body used to solid food again. Then I’ll make more taiyaki for you.” Hunk offered.

“You don’t have to do that. I’ll get used to it in time.”

“We don’t want our black paladin falling in the field because of an upset stomach,” Coran commented.

“Please, none of us wish to see you like this, Shiro.” Allura gently placed a hand on his shoulder. He put his hand over hers and lightly squeezed it.

“Alright, just don’t work too hard on it. We don’t want our yellow paladin down for the count either.” Shiro smiled slightly at Hunk.

The others continued to enjoy the food and talk more while Shiro was looking at his hand with a puzzled look on his face.

“Earth to space-dad, are you ok?” Lance moved closer to where Shiro was sitting at the table. Shiro moved his hands away from Lance, not wanting to risk another incident.

“I’m fine. Just thinking.”

“About what?”

“Just…how nice it is to be back with all of you.”

“Well, we’re all glad we found you.” Lance was then pulled into a conversation with Hunk while Shiro went back to staring at his hand.

When Shiro had touched Allura’s hand, the usual spark wasn’t there. He remembered how much he cared about her. He loved her. But now, there was nothing. He didn’t feel that way about her, even though he believed he was still in love with her. How was that possible, to know that you are in love with someone and yet feel nothing beyond friendship with them? Could this be a part of project K____? To mess with someone’s mind and heart? If he could just remember the name of the project, maybe that would give a clue as to what the Galra had planned to do with him. Perhaps he could suggest doing some mind-melding exercises in the next training session. That could help get his thoughts and feelings back together. Maybe even help him remember more of the name.

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Number of realities without a Lance: 42

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